#told today my job will change
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why does everything happen all at once?
#i just made a huge move out of london#so already stressed#told today my job will change#and also get not great medical test results#in a call today also#and need an MRI but it's going to take forever because i need to register with my new docs first#also lost my cat briefly today so its been super stressful#watch me suck at this new job so when i have to get surgery they use it as an excuse to let me go and then i can no longer afford this flat#so go bankrupt and move in with my parents#op rambles#i really regret drinking that energy drink this morning
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job rant incoming
#ok so a couple weeks ago i registered with a cleaning agency and got offered 2 days of work which i had to refuse because i was still at uni#haven't heard anything since#got a message a few days ago from a different cleaning company (job with regular hours) asking if i was free for a trial shift this week and#i told them i was. radio silence since#i'm hoping i'll get a message sometime today because the job description listed the start date as monday#did an interview for a tutoring place that i'll hear from in the next week or so but i'm not confident#i really really want the regular cleaning job cus if they're alright with me being on holiday for a couple days at the end of june#and i can work the rest of the summer i would make enough money to pay the bills for the house AND completely fund 2 trips i have in mind#i hate being worried about money and jobs and idk this feels like a very first world rant lol#cus i could pay the bills for my student house next year without working this summer but i'd have very little money for anything fun#the trips are v unnecessary but is it really so bad to want to have fun money? ofc worst case scenario and i'm jobless this summer i'll go#without the plans or change them but.....yeah#delete later#ellis exclaims
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you know when something happens and you're like "eh that's annoying but not a big deal" and then hours later your brain pops back in like "hey! surprise!! i'm actually super upset about this!"
#its annoying af#mb i will actually look at open jobs tonight#i don't actually want to leave my job#i just want to be treated with respect by my coworkers#which is a rlly fucking low bar that most coworkers manage to clear#except for the ones i'm stuck working with the most#personal#like my ''career coach'' is going on sabbatical for 3-4 months#and never actually told me#i found out bc my sister told me in secret and then my shitty PM told me#and then today said career coach popped in to be like btwz before i leave! what do you think about this career coach!#and i'm like. okay like i know i know but YOU NEVER TOLD ME#and shitty PM basically made me get on a call to be mad at me for ''making her look bad'' and ''calling into question her integrity#and quality of her work'' when like a) she didn't even fucking DO the work in question b) it was a CLIENT'S decision i was talking abt and#c) DO BETTER FUCKING WORK THEN#and then by the end of the call had wrapped around to being like haha yeah the client def actually did what u said [even tho she'd been mad#BC she claimed they hadn't]#idk i'm just getting rlly genuinely frustrated both with all of this dumb shit#and then like. if i am actually getting paid 20k below what a man who now#has a title BENEATH mine#and the PM's continuing shittiness + the lack of anything actually changing#ugh
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Yesterday I got the chance to go on the zip line, and I'm desperately afraid of heights but I still want to do things at heights, like the climbing wall or a high ropes course. And I've tried both of those things but quit very soon or before even starting, because I can't fucking do heights. But last night I got the chance to do zip line and I really wanted to, but was incredibly terrified.
So one of my dearest friends, a woman I deeply like and love, first reassured me (I was afraid I was too heavy for the zip line) and then said "Would it help if I went with you?" And yeah, she's one of the sweetest people I've ever met and she's an incredibly comforting presence, of course I said yes.
So we walked up to the zip line platform, and this is her job so she's very good at reassuring people (usually little children, but it worked for me too) who are scared to go on the climbing wall or zip line. So as I was trying to comfort myself, she told me how it would work, and that I could just sit and the harness would hold me, so I tried that and it helped, and she told me I could just lift my legs and I'd go. So I did, and she went at the same time as me, and
My god, the anxiety and the thrill, flying through the air with her next to me, seeing her wave at me as we went, getting off at the end and her asking, "So do you want to do it again?" And wanting to do it again with her, it was one of the most amazing feelings I've ever felt. I truly felt like I could've done anything I wanted with her by my side.
#if it wasnt clear i have a massive fucking crush on her and last night solidified it so much#i volunteered to work at the wall and zip line because she works there and i wanted to spend more time with her#so shes been training me a little and also just been staying near me#like today there was open zip line and her favoeite job is sending#today she had the option to send but instead stayed doing helmets and harnesses with me and one other person#she has so much experience and certifications that she did not need to be at helmets and harnesses#i think she just wanted to be near me but maybe im crazy. but it was so nice to spend time around her#i think she knows i like her. i just havent said anything yet#today i said 'i need to tell you something but i cant' andshe said 'its okay. take your time' very clearly me needing to confess my feelings#im just bad at shit like this#but last night on the zip line with her... her reassuring me...#she said if i got up there and decided i couldn't then we would just walk back down and it would be alright#it was sincerely life changing. something out of a movie based on a ya book#on the zip line. trees around me. gorgeous scenery. looking and seeing her smiling at me. she waved. we were both laughing#fucking life changing. one of the coolest experiences ive ever had. definitely helped me get over my fear a bit#after the first time on the zip line she told me experiences like that are why she loves cope and climbing#helping someone overcome their fear and develop a love for something they were scared of#it made me feel very close to her and altogether very fulfilled#and today ive spent most of the day with her. just constantly chatting and playing card games#shes been jokingly antagonizing me today with various games (how many horses and mao) but i love her playfulness#i love her humor and creativity and laugh and mind. shes horribly snart and makes it a problem /lh#shes amazing and has changed my life as long as weve been friends and i desperately wish i could tell her my feelings#but last night was. the most amazing time ive had in quite awhile#goodnight
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relatives need to stop believing that because we have some blood connection means that we have to drop everything for them and we should know if they are bothered by something via telepathy
#i learned from a friend that my cousin is bothered by me because she believes she is the only one who sends messages#for us to hang out#and she got a job in another city when she used to come and visit on holidays i used to tell her to go out and she used to tell me#i ll tell you later and never tell me#and now she expects me to know she is mad at me without telling me#and funny part is that since she clearly doesn't talk to me and i stop trying i hang out with my friends#and today its her birthday and i called to wish her happy bday and she told me that she will go out today if i want to join her#but i have already planned for today since.. you know if you dont talk to me or message me i think you just dont want to hang out like#how would i know if you want to celebrate today or tomorrow#and to me it looks like..oh you called so yeah you are invited because why not like i am a filling member idk how else to explain#and i told her that i have already planned so i won't be there but i will contact her if something changes#but of course nothing changed and i will go out and the thing is that i will be the bad guy#keep in mind that if my friend didn't mention that she is bothered i wouldn't know
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🌌🗯️
#ughhhh i had a very very unpleasant nightmare and now i just feel awful :<#it was like all dreams super weird and made no sense. like i was in this GIANT obnormous building and was in the elevator#and suddenly i was in a large room where u like went to be accpted to get a job there???#someone told me to change my outfit so this room could get accepted bc it was too revealing#then a man - the big shot - came in and the leader of the room introduced us one by lne#but when it came to me he asked the two of us to introduce ourselves#but when it got to me he said 'now it's eden's turn' & i was like haha im eden but u already know that ;3#he just forcefully moved the convo along and asked me (and no one else) 3 questions#the last one was like 'if u werent here (at work) where would u be?' i hesitated for a moment and he said that if i hesitate too long#it doesnt look good. 'i'll give u one last chance. if u werent at work you would still be here in this place. with your family.#'we will be your family now. that's your answer. do you want to be part of this family?'#it all had an eerie tone to it but i just said 'yes i do. i really want to be part of the family'#and whoosh i was accepted and 'hired' to the very mysterious omnious building (the building was like miles long and big. like an entire city#anyway... this was just odd but then the thing that fucked me up for today#i dreamt of my two old 'friends' first there were just many moments where we talked and did things etc#but then came a part where // tw for SA // i was raped and then....#they both chose to leave me and abandon me after#like they in the middle of the night made sure to bring me home. they werent completely heartless haha....#and i in the nightmare felt safe. like i thought i could count on them#then the next day they were gone and they had also unfollowed and blocked me on all the apps#hmmm... yeah so both of those two things were just so horrible to dream about#and now i just feel like.. yeah. checks out. that's very similar to reality skskks :'))#i feel so lonely and like.. unworthy of care or love or support. ugh not a nice dream to start the day
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We’ve officially hit the point where I can’t fucking sleep because of this shit and on top of everything the AC went out I literally want to cry I’m so stressed I physically feel like shit like I need to throw up I’m so tired but between my stomach hurting, the stress, and the heat I can’t
#today he told me it ‘wasn’t fair’ that I expected him and his bf to move#just because I refused to get rid of my ‘disgusting cats’ and they would be ‘happier’ in a shelter#his reasonings for why they would be happier in a shelter were all things that they did not do/did not happen until he started this shit#‘they’re always hiding and you never spend time with them’#they hide from YOU#early morning and late at night when you’re in your room they’re fine#im out here rn just sitting with them giving them attention#also yeah I used to give them attention for AT LEAST several hours of the day#but after I essentially got chased out of all the common areas no obviously that wasn’t happening#man FUCK YOU#also sorry I don’t want to spend literal THOUSANDS more than I would other wise to fucking move#esp when YOU moving means no changes in your finances#you make over 50k a year I make barely 20k AND already have more bills to pay than you#why the FUCK should I be getting stuck with the far worse financial decision#and then to try and frame it like you’re getting treated ‘unfairly’ just because I won’t get rid of my cats for you??????#I genuinely hope the stupid fucking car your mom gave you explodes tomorrow idc idc idccccc#ESPECIALLY WHEN HE BOTH THREATENED AND SAID HE DIDNT CARE TO MOVE OUT#and when I said ‘great. do that’ he starts throwing this fucking fit#I hate him so much it is so goddamn UNREAL#I am dealing with a giant man baby who has never been told no in his life before now#and it’s really fucking showing#this is what happens when parents give their kids everything they want#and you have normie cis white man privilege and have also gotten every job/into every program you’ve ever wanted with minimal effort#so when someone finally says ‘no you don’t get whatever you want at my expense’#he has the most immature meltdowns fucking imaginable#kaz rambles
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girlies I'm losing my mind.
#personal#vent#oh my goddddd#i thought my coworker and i were finally making decent progress on our project#that we have to present on THURSDAY MORNING#and this is the biggest project we need to do twice a year#only to find. at five fucking pm today. that she had not informed me we are resourcing two of our biggest fabric programs to a new supplier#which supplier? don't know#just know it's not going to be the one I've been planning for#and that the fabric program i DID want to resource#and had SPOKEN TO HER ABOUT TODAY#cannot go to the supplier I pencilled it in as#i don't know if she didn't know herself or just forgot or didn't care or didn't understand or what#for fuck's sake this is your job to know this stuff#don't just sit there looking gormless while i have to find out from YOUR BOSS#who then speaks to me in the most patronizing manner possible as she tells me she can't do my job for me#like motherfucker i just. need. correct. information. jesus christ.#also shout out to the big boss who last week was like tell me if you have any scheduling concerns guys!!!#and then when i told her today i have scheduling concerns because. uh. the fucking project is not going. anywhere. at this rate.#get told oh no sorry we can't do any schedule moves you can figure it out#like???? what???? was the point????? of asking us to come to you????#this is such a prolific fucking issue in my workplace and it drives me nuts#it's like management have heard these trite phrases on a managing people skills course somewhere#and not realised you need to back it up. with actual. actions.#also my manager whomst i loved is now on maternity leave and her replacement is someone i've worked with previously and. hm. suffice to say#she has not changed one bit#in regards to her complete inability to stand up for her team#i'm sure she has her good points but she's as supportive as a fucking wet paper towel#ignoring me trying to set boundaries on my time#but making sure SHE leaves on time for school pickup
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first day @ work after about 6 weeks and everything is hurting
#coworker already called in “sick” PLEASE 🙏 please if you are unsatisfied @ your job just quit okay? don't call in sick every second week#the only ones who are suffering then are your colleagues your boss doesn't give a shit and nothing will change 🥲 i'm sorry...#so many things went wrong today because nobody told me and the replacement anything ... but we had many laughs 🤗#man maybe my wounds from the surgery aren't completely healed yet because there's this nasty peng especially after i lift ppl#but... idk i promised i'd be there tomorrow I WAS OKAY yesterday - now i'm scared 🥺#my shift isn't over yet 😑#° › OOC ‹ 𝐑𝐄𝐏𝐎𝐑𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐋𝐈𝐕𝐄 * out of character ╲ MUN .
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i wish my family weren’t so transphobic
#so today my father informed me that my cousin is 'confused' and thinks he's trans and a lesbian- worded in the most transphobic way possible#of course i already knew this because my cousin and i had come out to each other years ago#but i just played it off and didn't give anything about what i thought away#honestly i think my father thought that i had transphobic thoughts about it and was afraid to say it out loud#like what did you think i thought you weren't transphobic?????#my dear father i am not an idiot#so yeah i don't think he suspects that i'm not transphobic#which honestly just makes me laugh#because i'm doing a terrible job of hiding my political opinions from my parents#i guess it goes to show how far a parent's denial of their child's ability to have a completely different world view from them can go#anyway but after that conversation i talked with my cousin because i'm going to visit him in a few days#and i wanted to clear up who he had come out to so i didn't accidentally out him or drag him into any unwanted arguments#but the whole interaction with my father nearly made me have a panic attack#i guess it was a reminder that my life is about to change a lot#that i'll come out to my parents as trans and probably be met with lots of 'you're just confused'#they'll probably be infuriatingly condecending#and there are few things i hate more than being told that i don't know what i'm doing or who i am#i hate it so much#but it'll be fine#i'll be an adult and they can't control me#i won't let them#i just wish i didn't have do deal with this alone
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I thought I would have a nice day today, but it turn into a big fight how great
#my mom is constantly saying we don’t care about her and that we won’t let her express herself#but the way she need to express herself hurts both me and my dad so we kindly tell to not do it please#but she get offended cause she take it that we don’t care about her feeling and take the side opposite of her#but once we tell her she dosen’t consider OUR feelings she repeat that we don’t care about HERS#no you’re the one only caring about your feeling#I’m exhausted I’m already so stress and confused about what to do I need money and the store won’t call back so I need to find somethin#but there’s nothing around my house that won’t end with me having having panic attack everyday like at my old job#but she won’t hear a word we say if we ever tell her she does something to hurt us she takes it as an insult#she says to take her as she is and she will never change even tho we tell her it hurts us but we should change and and absorb everything#todays conversation was one we have often and I feel the same way she does about the subject but I hate talking about it we don’t have#to keep talking about it what is done is done no matter how much we talk against it it just hurt#even when I told her it was mentally the worst time of my life she still thing that I should listen to her complain non stop and have#to think about it when it just hurt#i feel like Imm just repeating but imm so tired of everything and don’t wanna go in detail I hope it still clear#we had plans today and everything is just ruin#i would continue playing my game and stay distract but this ruined my mood so bad#tomorrow is probably gonna be bad to cause my botch my parents are stubborn especially my dad and he won’t talk to her now and probably#won’t tomorrow neither and she’s gonna be mad and say that he should get over it#i would cause I hate to fight I just want peace but he’s not like that#i love them but they are exhausting sometimes#i wish I could just leave but I have no one to meet and I’m scared if I leave they are going to fight even more today or tomorrow#or that my mom will get offended idk#i wish I wasn’t coming back to complain but I need to ‘’speak’’ somewhere or I’ll break down 😭#I’m not here often and I don’t feel like scrolling you can tag me in things if you want it would help or use my tag for your content 💕#I’ve been stalking a tag for a couple of days that’s why I couldn’t resist reblog that nice Eri post when I came earlier and keep reblogging#alex.txt#tw negative
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please please please someone hire me so i can buy myself that pretty deck without feeling guilty
#also i just saw a BEAUTIFUL tablecloth at the same store... god is testing me today#the lady from UP isn't calling me so the internship she told me about was probably a bust :|#but i've sent applied to like . 20 job offers today . SOMEONE PLEASE#i'll even go back to food service (not McD's tho. never again.) . lajkonik answer me .#man i really hate that i underwent a huge change in character during high school . i originally wanted to be a mortician :(#instead my brain went uh oh! somebody lost All their motivation and will never get it back!#made all the wrong choices fr . i should've gone to a vocational school. go in my dad's footsteps and become an electrician
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shawty kinda feels like crying
#battery acid suffering#<- the crushing weight of adulthood and responsibility is dawning on her#my parents are getting old so i have to get my shit together and become a proper adult so i can support and take care of them for a change#but i wont be ablee to do that witn the measly wage i get from my job#aughhh but searching for a new job is horrifying i love my job at starbucks so much even if im shit at it…..#im too stupid to get an internship or an office job hashtag college dropout#not even getting into ehat me and sunshine are planning..#aughh.. im back to choosing between my family and sunshine again..#i hate it here i hate it in this house#my family is always intrinsically linked to my life i hate it#i should be better than this im the oldest child#i shouldnt have dropped out i shouldve gone on to be an engineer but its so fucking scary#the kill-your-self demons are really loud today#im stuoid i dont want my life to change i want to be taken care of forever#either that or to pop out of existence#sunshine told me once that im a coward and shes so so right im a coward i dont wanna do anyrhing#ahggh#i have to go into work tonight km covering for a coworker#aughh#<- the guikt is wrekcinf their brain
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so if i wasnt stressed enough about applying for jobs yet, now i have a requirement of applying for minimum of four places a month or risk losing my benefits 👌
#at least the lady was nice idk#and in the first month it doesnt need to be just job applications since apparently signing up/creating profiles on sites also counts#i'd make a portfolio but lmao im not an artist#but yeah its. both stressing me out even more now that i have a deadline on stuff and making me feel more at ease cause four seems like#a doable number a month. at least rn since every place is looking for summer recruits so yeah#also i learned that i can get benefits and go to school at the same time for 24 months if im benefitting from changing my career#and holy shit thats life changing info tbh why hasnt anyone told me about this sooner#like that lowers the bar SO MUCH knowing i dont have to take a loan for more than a year omg#so yeah yo pal might actually look into those media studies fr fr now since thats actually a valid option omg#anyways. im full of information rn and my shoulder hurts so idk how im gonna make art today mmm. at least its the left one but yeah#night is an absolute mess on main
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.
#i feel batshit crazy#and also incredibly lucky#I started my new job a bit more than a month ago#and it has been disappointing and boring so far#so like 5 days after I started I applied to another job#which seems 100 times more interesting and in line with what I am capable of doing#I passed all the interviews these past couple of weeks#and I GOT IT :)#i am so happy because it’s a killer opportunity#but also I feel absolutely terrible for my current employer#i received the news today so obviously I haven’t told my employer yet and I still don’t know when I will be able to make the switch#it’s so weird and unlike me to behave like this…I feel like a traitor#but also I don’t have any time to waste like…no#i don’t really trust my judgement anymore because I was also very happy when I got my current job and I thought it would be great#but i realize now that it was the idea of changing and the possibility to leave consulting that made me so excited at that time#I really hope the new position will fit me more#i think it will honestly. my future boss is quite young and was also a consultant in a top firm when we talked it was quite easy to connect#hmmm we’ll see#also I made it very clear that I wanted a break between the 2 jobs#to not repeat the mistake in December - when I had just a weekend between my two jobs#anyway !! I am very lucky#but also sooo stupid because I am achieving a lot professionally and it’s great and all#and yet I feel so behind and childish and incomplete because I am still so so so very single urghh#whatever. so much change has happened in the past year that now I am addicted to it and am acting very boldly so who knows what can happen
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:O
#aaaaaaaahhh i missed sm on tumblr i just quickly checked some blogs and it made me sad and happy at the same time#but i rly gotta focus on studying for my exams ugh. even tho i was away on the weekend w some of my friends lol. it was so fun#i haven't had sleepovers w friends since i went to highschool which is over a decade ago#it was so good and fun even tho i didn't get a lot of sleep. but i caught up on sleep on the days since and yesterday and today ive been#feeling p energized c: today i. registered? or maybe declared is a more fitting word. that i wanna change my name and gender marker#and now i have to wait until the end of the year to actually change them. but it's in motion!#i also made an appointment for a chest ultrasound so now i just need a psychiatrist to be able to get top surgery w the surgeon i picked#i recently had a job interview for a student job as a mentor! it won't pay a lot but a bit money is more than nothing#and i enjoy being a mentor so i hope ill get the job. haven't heard back yet#also i found out that all the fellow students that i have become friends w are queer. i am friends w almost all my fellow students that#are queer except w one person. it's funny bc when we all started becoming friends we didn't know that the others were queer.#well i outed myself in front of professors and the class multiple times bc I didn't pass back then so it was obvious that im queer#but i didn't know abt the others. we all just gravitated to each other which is nice. one of them isn't even out to family or friends#at home and another one told me I'm the first person they've come out to so i feel p honored that we can be open and ourselves w each other#we watched so many queer movies and shows on the weekend i loved it#i never would've thought i'd come this far. look at me being mostly mental-illness-free medically transitioning and having a social life#being more comfortable w myself than ever#now i just gotta get a nice degree and a well paying fun job (i've had a shitty fun job before) and tackle all those medical issues i have#like exhaustion. but one step at at a time. i truly feel so good rn!! :D hope you guys are doing good as well#personal log stardate
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