#watch me suck at this new job so when i have to get surgery they use it as an excuse to let me go and then i can no longer afford this flat

[barkjunhee]

why does everything happen all at once?

[endless-summer-soldier]

dr. feelgood - chapter three

pairing: Surgeon!Bucky x SurgicalIntern!Reader

summary: Y/N has a one night stand with a handsome stranger the night before starting her new job as a surgical intern. Little does she know, the handsome stranger also happens to be her new boss

a/n: this one is pure steam and maybe the best smut I've ever written ;) I hope you all enjoy ittttt

warnings: must be 18+, smut, praise kink, unprotected sex, rough sex, biting, spanking, dirty talk

word count: 2k

series playlist: here

taglist: @sebsgirl71479 @ozwriterchick @notmeddy @drewsuncrustables @lokidokieokie @hextech-bros @nats-whore @m4nulup1n @arcanebabe @tanyaspartak @jackiehollanderr @princezzjasmine @fallenlilangel99 (message me to be added!)

series masterlist

The surgery was excruciating, yet also exhilarating. It lasted nine hours, but watching Bucky work was amazing. He was so calm and in control of everything, maneuvering each unknown with a sense of ease. Even the nurses seemed smitten with him. And his eyes. Every now and then he would peer at me with those eyes and I thought I might melt. Even though we were in the operating room, he was giving me flirty bedroom eyes and I was very into it. He would ask me questions, testing my instincts and my surgical knowledge and with every correct answer he praised me.

And then he let me cut, and I knew I was a goner. He was teaching me by letting me actually do surgical procedures instead of just watching. It wasn’t anything major, but I was doing it when all the other interns hadn’t even seen the OR yet. I loved that he was challenging me to make me a better doctor.

Once the surgery was complete and the patient was stable, Bucky instructed me to close up. It mostly consisted of sutures and tidying up the wound which wasn’t terribly difficult, but it was something I got to take the lead on. Bucky walked out of the OR and I could’ve sworn he gave me a wink as he passed me by. 

When I walked out of the operating room, I felt on top of the world. I couldn’t stop smiling. And then I saw Bucky, in his scrubs, leaning on the counter by the nurses station, biting into an apple. I knew I was toast. The only explanation for my actions is that my brain was not working rationally, still feeling the natural high from surgery.

I joined him at the nurses station, pretending like I was looking at paperwork.

“Nice work in there, Dr. Barnes,” I complimented.

“Why thank you Dr. Y/L/N.” 

“Would you mind coming with me? I have a patient issue that I think you should see.”

“Is it urgent?” he asked, taking the last bite of his apple.

“Very urgent,” I said. Before I could wait for a response, I walked down the hall, away from the patient rooms. 

It wasn’t a long walk to our destination. I could sense Bucky walking behind me and heard him say, “Where exactly are we go-”

Before he could finish his question, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him into the on-call room. I deftly locked the door and pushed him against the wall, immediately connecting my lips to his. I kissed him with desire and it only took him a few seconds to react and kiss me back. He tasted sweet as I sucked the lingering nectar from his honeycrisp apple off his bottom lip. The next minute, his hands were all over me and I was trying to get his scrub top off.

“You were amazing in there,” I breathed as he kissed my neck. 

“Prepare to be amazed again,” he replied.

“My god, you’re so cocky,” I stated, in between kisses.

“You got that right,” he smiled as he redirected my hand to the bulge in his pants. His arrogance was oddly a turn on, and I knew it was completely warranted. He was good at his craft: in the OR and in the bedroom.

I slid my hand into his pants and grabbed his throbbing erection, moving my hand up and down the shaft with varying levels of pressure.

“You are such a tease,” he whispered, effortlessly pulling off my scrub top.

“You like it,” I countered, tugging on his earlobe with my teeth. That set him off and I was no longer in control. 

He now had me pinned against the wall with my pants around my ankles. I worked to get my shoes off and kick my pants away as Bucky’s fingers started exploring my folds and circling my clit.

“How’s that, baby?” he murmured. 

I barely had a response, “So, so good.” I clawed his bare back as a means of portraying my arousal. 

“I’m gonna need more than that.” He unclasped my bra with his free hand and his mouth was on my nipple like cobalt being pulled toward a magnet. I let out an involuntary moan and my head lolled back onto the wall with a gentle thud. He pulled his lips from my breast to work his way up my chest, pausing to bite my collarbone, before invading my mouth yet again. He increased the intensity of his fingering and a deep moan escaped my mouth right into his. He pulled back slightly and smiled into the inch of air between our lips.

“Are you ready for me?” he asked. It was then I noticed he had shed his pants and his hard-on was eagerly poking my abdomen.

I nodded my head as I tried to still my breathing in preparation for what was to come.

“Use your words, sweetie.”

“Yes, please. I need you inside of me, Bucky.” Hearing his name across my lips sent him into a frenzy. He grabbed my backside and hoisted me up, pushing me into the wall even further. I wrapped my legs around his torso and he effortlessly slid into my sopping wet pussy.

“Fuck,” I breathed as his phallus filled me up. He continued thrusting in and out, changing up the tempo when I least expected it.

“That’s it, baby. You’re taking my cock so well.” His praise turned me on more, if that was even possible. “You’re so tight, you feel amazing.” I clutched onto him tighter, running my fingers up his neck and through his cropped hair. I clutched his short hair in my hands and pulled his head back, away from my face. He looked surprised initially, until he realized I wasn’t signaling for him to stop, I was redirecting him. I offered my exposed neck to him and he grinned before running his tongue from my ear down to my shoulder. I sighed when he opened his jaw wide and sunk his teeth gently into my shoulder. I shuddered as he sucked in, surely leaving a mark on my fair skin.

“Oh you like it a little rough huh?” he asked, working his tongue around my ear. I couldn’t form words, so I just nodded my head and let out another heavy breath. He smacked my ass and I let out a little yelp, taken by surprise but enjoying the tingling sensation.

“I’ll give you rough,” he growled. He carried me over to the squeaky mattress and tossed me down. I grinned up at him and saw him smiling down at me, “Flip over, pretty girl.” I moved so that I was in tabletop position, propped up on my elbows and Bucky grabbed my hips with his steady hands and yanked me toward him. He entered me from behind with a quick thrust and I was back in a euphoric state. He worked quicker this time, his thrusts moving at an increased pace and his hand continued to find my ass without causing too much pain. 

My mind was cloudy as I neared my orgasm, but I remember him continuing to praise me with words like, “You’re such a good girl, taking my big cock.” There was a final deep thrust and shockwaves ran through my body. I had no control over the sounds coming out of my mouth as I finished and Bucky was right behind me, pulling out and spreading his seed over my bare back. As I drifted back down to earth I purred, “You are a god,” before realizing just how pathetic those words were. Bucky didn’t acknowledge my compliment and instead found his scrub top and cleaned me off.

I turned over and slid under the covers of the bed, seeking a moment to catch my breath and reflect post-coital. I was surprised when Bucky slid in next to me and planted a kiss on my forehead.

“What are you doing?” I asked, stunned by his actions.

“I’m cuddling you,” he replied, turning me to the side so he could spoon me.

“Why?” I asked.

“Because we just had sex and that’s what you do after sex.”

“Maybe if you’re in a relationship, which we are not.”

“Oh come on, just enjoy this.” He said, grabbing me around the waist and pulling me tight toward him. I had to admit, it did feel nice.

We caught our breaths in silence for a moment, but my head was reeling. I couldn’t believe that I initiated this. What was I thinking? This was such a bad idea. And the over-analytical side of me couldn’t put it to rest.

“So, this can’t happen again,” I finally stated.

“Oh really? As I seem to recall, you initiated this.”

“In a moment of weakness,” I argued.

“You can’t tell me you didn’t enjoy that.”

“I did,” I admitted, “But it was a bad idea.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because it’s inappropriate! You’re my superior. You’re supposed to be mentoring me and teaching me things.”

“Oh I can teach you plenty of things,” he purred.

“Not sex things. Surgery things.”

“Who says those things have to be mutually exclusive?” he turned me over so that I was facing him.

“I cannot be the intern who is screwing her attending.”

“Who cares?” he asked.

“I care! I want to be known as a good surgeon for my skills, not because my boyfriend is letting me scrub in on all his surgeries.”

“Did you just call me your boyfriend?” he preened.

I rolled my eyes, “It was hypothetical.”

“Regardless, I’m going to play favorites whether or not we’re together because I think you have a talent for trauma and you’re better than all the other interns. The fact that I like looking at you and I enjoy being around you is just an added bonus.”

“Okay but you are an esteemed surgeon. I am barely out of med school. If things go south, I’m the one that’s getting fired. And I care too much about my career to jeopardize that.”

“Well I certainly don’t plan to mess this up.”

I sighed. How could he be this stubborn and so charming at the same time. 

“I’m serious Bucky, this can’t happen again.”

“Whatever you say doll.” I didn’t know what else to say. It seemed like the more I declared this to be a bad idea, the more I wanted it. And Bucky clearly had no concerns about the situation whatsoever. 

He interrupted my thoughts with the words, “Praise kink, huh…” I blushed and turned to him, not willing to admit he was right. “It makes sense. You’re a doctor and you crave positive feedback. You like knowing you’re the best.”

“How could you tell?”

“I see it in the OR. Every time you do something right, you hold yourself a little higher, happy to have impressed. I figured you might be that way in bed. But you’re quiet too.”

I nodded my head, trying not to give away any more info. “Why is that?” he added.

“...I don’t like being in charge.”

“Now that is interesting. Because funny enough, I love being in charge.” His voice was lower, almost seductive.

“I know what you’re doing, and it is not going to work.” At this point, I climbed out of bed, redressing and preparing to get back on the floor.

“We’ll see about that,” she said smugly. I rolled my eyes as I searched the ground for my thong. Once I was fully dressed, I ran a hand through my hair to try and tame it.

“I’m going back to work now,” I said, about to exit the room.

“Thank you Dr. Y/L/N. When you find yourself in need of a sex god, you know where to find me,” he said, shooting me a toothy grin. I knew he wouldn’t be able to resist using my words against me.

I shot him a death glare and said, “Bye Bucky.”

next chapter

[justagalwhowrites]

au Joel eating Doc out as she vents about her day at the hospital watching her slowly forget about it

👁️🫦👁️

OMG Hi Bestie!

This ask was DELICIOUS OMFG and soooo Joel coded. Just so so so so so Lavender AU!Joel coded. I love him so much and I just know he's done exactly this for Doc so many times over the years. Girl works a stressful job, she needs some release, after all.

Anyway, I hope this fits what you're looking for! Thank you so much for reading and for asking for this! Love you!!

Long Day

Joel takes care of you after a hard day at the hospital. A one shot set in the universe of the Lavender No-Outbreak AU.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Lavender AU Female Reader

Warnings: SMUTTTTTT. Oral sex (F receiving), unprotected P in V sex. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ only.

Length: 2.9k

Remind me again why I wanted to be chief of pediatric surgery?

Joel wasn’t surprised to get your text when he took a minute to check his phone while on a job site. You’d been up late the night before, preparing for a presentation to the hospital board to get more funding for your department. Some kind of new equipment that you desperately wanted and gushed about at every opportunity that Joel could not understand at fuck all. The curse of falling for a woman so much smarter than him, he supposed. 

Because you’re nothing if not a high achiever, he texted back. What’s going on, Baby?

I hate the bureaucracy of this, you replied. One of my favorite kids came in today, her mom is beside herself, and am I with them? No, I’m walking some asshole through the surgical wing of the peds floor.

“Hey Miller!” One of the site managers called to him. “Got a question for you!” 

“One sec!” Joel yelled back before he texted you back again. 

Think you can make it home at a reasonable time or are they going to chain you to the desk?

Only thing that would keep me here is the inside of an OR, you wrote back. They’d better deal. 

Joel smiled a little at that. Back in your residency years, he’d have resigned himself to not seeing you on days like today. He’d take care of Evie and worry that you weren’t eating enough or pushing yourself too hard or crying in the car from stress before coming inside so you didn’t freak out him or your daughter. 

He’d caught you doing that once, the car parked on the street as he walked back from loaning a tool to a neighbor down the road. He was so excited to see you that it took him a moment to realize you were crying, your forehead against the steering wheel, your whole body shaking with it. 

He opened the door, making you jump and start trying to dry your your eyes before he could notice. 

“Hey now,” he said gently, leaning into the car with his arm propped over the door. “What’s goin’ on, Baby?” 

“Nothing,” you sniffed. “Just a really really awful day, I’ll be fine, it’s fine, I’m just not used to it yet…” 

Joel frowned. 

“Used to what?” 

“All of it,” your voice was shaky. “Just all the stress and the exhaustion and I keep getting more attached to patients than I should. I had a kid today who was in a car accident and he looked fine so I was joking with him when doing the initial exam trying to keep him calm and the next thing I know he’s crashing and we couldn’t get him back and it just really fucking sucks sometimes, Joel. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to do this…” 

“Hey,” he gently reached out and cupped your face, his thumb tracing your cheekbone. “You’re the strongest person I know. You can do this. I’m sure of it, never been more sure of anything in my life. Except maybe loving you but that’s an extremely high bar.” 

You laughed a wet little laugh and sighed. 

“Do you still want to do this?” He asked, frowning slightly. “Because you don’t have to, Baby. Don’t care that you went to med school, you don’t have to be a doctor if it doesn’t make you happy.” 

“No, I want it,” you nodded once, more to yourself than anything else. “If I’m strong enough, I want it.” 

He took you inside and sent you to go shower, picking up your scrubs off the bathroom floor and putting them in the washer. He set out your favorite swimsuit and made you a frozen margarita before moving the boom box to by the pool and putting on your favorite Beatles album. He grabbed the book from your bedside table and set it next to the margarita just as you came outside, already looking more like yourself. 

“Oh Babe, you didn’t have to do all this,” your hand went to your heart and, for a second, Joel was afraid you’d start crying again. 

“I know,” he said. “But I wanna take care of my girl. Feeling anything for dinner? I can order Chinese or pizza or make you something?” 

“Can I get Mongolian Beef?” You asked, taking a sip of the margarita. “With an obscene amount of egg rolls?”

Joel smiled a little. 

“Of course Baby,” he said. 

Joel took care of Evie so you had space to relax but you pulled her onto your lap and held her close while you ate, your nose buried in her hair while she told you everything about her day. 

When he took you to bed, he had every intention of keeping his hands to himself. But you had a different idea. You kissed his shoulder, his neck, over his jaw. 

“Baby,” he groaned. “Don’t push yourself…” 

“I’m not,” you whispered, your breath warm against his skin. “Want you, want to feel you…” 

He kissed you, gently at first, but your fingers knotted in his hair, pulling his mouth tightly to your own. Your hips ground against his, your breasts flush against his chest. He clutched onto you and moaned into your lips. 

“Make me forget it all,” you said softly. “Please, Joel. Just for a bit.” 

He moved you below him and took you slowly but firmly, like he was fucking every ounce of love he had for you, for the family you’d made together, into you until that was all that was left. There were no insane hours, no one you couldn’t save, no life or death stress. There was just you and him and how much he loved you. 

The next day, he called in sick and kept Evie home from school. The three of you snuggled in bed until you needed to go to the hospital that evening. 

“Thank you,” you said as you kissed him next to your car, the same place he’d found you crying the day before. “I couldn’t do this without you.” 

“I’m so proud of you Baby,” he held your face in his hands. “My girl the doctor.” 

After that, Joel always knew exactly what you needed after a rough day at the hospital. 

He texted Ellie to see if she could go to a friend’s place for a while after school - something she was thrilled about - and he stopped by your favorite BBQ place on the way home to pick up all your usuals. He opened a bottle of your favorite French wine and had a plate ready and waiting for you when you walked in the door. 

“Joel,” you smiled, coming over and dropping your forehead to his chest. He smiled a little and wrapped his arms around you, kissing the top of your head. “Have I told you lately that I love you?” 

“Yes,” he said. He felt you laugh against him. “But don’t mind hearin’ it again.” 

You vented a little over dinner and the two of you polished off one bottle of wine before you moved to the living room. Joel opened a second and put on your favorite movie and held you on the couch, his hand tracing the contours of your body as he held you close. 

“Ugh, you guys are gross,” Ellie said when you didn’t bother to separate from him at all when she came in the front door. 

“Love you too, Gremlin!” You called after her as she went to her room. Joel laughed. 

“Why do we keep endin’ up with teenaged girls?” He asked. “That’s the hardest age but I swear we’ve had a teenaged girl in this house for 20 fuckin’ years.” 

“Gluttons for punishment,” you said, a smile on your voice. 

“Doin’ any better?” He asked, fingers trailing through your hair against your scalp. 

You sighed. 

“A bit but…” your voice trailed off. “I’m so sick of this part of my damn job. There’s only so much board member ass I can kiss before I want to throw up. I got into this to take care of kids not deal with bureaucrats, you know?” 

“You are helping kids by dealing with the bureaucrats,” Joel kissed your temple and gave you a squeeze as the credits to the movie ended. “C’mon baby, let me take you to bed.” 

He got up and, before you had a chance to follow, he scooped you up off the couch. You let out a little shriek, your arms flinging around his neck and he laughed a little as he carried you to bed. 

“Isn’t your back getting too old for that?” You teased as he set you gently on the bed. 

“More worried about my knees,” he smiled a little. “Good thing I’m married to a doctor. Damn good one at that.” 

“Not so sure about that last part these days,” you sighed and he leaned over and kissed you, gently, your face delicately in his large hand. His fingers tangled in your hair and he lay you back in the middle of the bed until you were stretched out below him. He pulled his mouth ever so slightly from yours, making you whimper. 

“What were you sayin’ Baby?” He asked, his nose brushing your own. 

“Uh,” you closed your eyes for a second. “I… I’m not sure…” 

He kissed you softly for a moment before pulling away again. 

“Good.” 

He kissed down your body, unbuttoning your shirt as he went, until he got to your pants. He recognized them, you called them your ass kicking pants. You wore them when you wanted the extra confidence, wanted to feel like you could take control of anything. Joel just loved the way they made your ass and thighs look. He took a moment to appreciate the view, pressing a kiss just above the waist of your pants, his eyes running up your body until they met yours. 

“Tell me everything botherin’ that pretty head of yours,” he said before kissing your stomach again. Your fingers twisted in the duvet. “C’mon baby. I want to hear you.” 

“I had to show around Anders, that one board member who really sucks,” you said, voice a little breathy. Joel opened your pants and hooked his fingers around the waistband of them and your panties. You whimpered. 

“Why’s he suck again?” Joel asked, sitting up enough to start pulling your pants down. You raised your hips off the bed to help and he pulled the clothes over your hips. 

“You know why,” you were fully panting now. 

Joel did know why. That wasn’t the point. 

“Remind me.” 

He pulled your pants off completely and climbed between your legs, settling between your thighs. He pressed a kiss to your mound and you moaned at his touch. 

“He’s all about profit,” you said, voice tense and needy. “He loves plastics because it’s a money driver, always wants them to get the newest technology, everyone else always gets the…” 

You cut off with a quiet gasp as Joel pressed his tongue to your clit, licking the sensitive nub firmly. He smiled a little and kissed you there, sucking you into his mouth for a moment before licking up your seam back to your clit. 

“Fuck, Joel…” you were panting below him now. His hands went to your thighs, holding them to his head. 

“What else, Baby?” He asked, kissing your clit again. “Tell me every little thing making that beautiful brain of yours work overtime.” 

“There’s… Um…” your head dropped back onto the bed. “There’s that clinical trial that’s starting in a few weeks…” 

He slipped his tongue between your folds, the tip of him slipping into your tight hole, making you moan and your back start to arch. He pressed deeper. 

“I lost… I lost a day of work on it today and…” 

His nose brushed your clit and you turned your head to bury your mouth in the mattress as you fought to not cry out in pleasure. His tongue opened your tight little hole for him, stretching and reaching deep, parting your walls. You panted and your channel coated Joel’s tongue in more slick, the flavor of your passion smooth and musky and slightly sweet. You rocked your hips against him and he smiled against your mound, his tongue stretched so the tip of it brushed the soft place inside of you that he loved. 

“Keep goin’, Baby,” he said, pulling his mouth from you when you’d been speechless a little too long. “Tell me all of it.”

You took a moment, gasping and panting for breath. 

“I didn’t get to spend time with Kaylee and her mom, Cara, today,” you managed. “Cara gets worried and I know she trusts me…” 

Your voice broke as Joel thrust his tongue and a finger inside your tight hole, pressing deep into you and finding the places that he knew made you fall apart below him. He ate at you, his nose buried in your seam, brushing up against your swollen clit, tongue working you, finger stretching you. You let out a strangled little cry as your channel grew tight around him and he moaned against your pussy, starting to rut his hips down against the mattress. But he didn’t want to distract you, this was about you forgetting, not about him. You ground your hips against his face, unable to stop yourself anymore. 

He licked into you, nose working your clit, finger hooking into your inner wall until you came over him, Joel lapping up your wetness as it spilled onto his tongue and his lips. 

“Joel!” You gasped, your whole body arched for a moment as you throbbed around him and then collapsed back onto the bed, the aftershocks of your orgasm still pulsing against his tongue. 

He waited until your body was loose on the bed before he pulled his tongue and finger from you. He wiped his mouth on his arm and crawled up your body to where you lay, panting and pliant below him. 

“What else is botherin’ my girl? He asked softly, his fingers in your hair. 

“I… um…” you were breathless. “I don’t remember.” 

“Good,” he said softly, leaning in slowly to kiss you gently. 

He stripped off his clothes and put one of his hands against your pussy, tracing your dripping seam, while he worked his cock for a moment. He kissed you, took your hand and lined his thick cock up with your entrance and pressed into you slowly, until he was deep inside you. 

“Joel,” you breathed, your eyes searching his. 

“Baby,” he nuzzled your cheek, savoring the feeling of you below him and around him, how tight you were, how warm, how soft. “What do you need?” 

“Just you,” you said softly. 

He kissed you again and started to move inside you, slow but firm. He thrust deep inside you until the tip of him was pressing against the place inside you that made you start to tighten around him before pulling back slowly. His head caught on every ridge of muscle inside you and he savored that feeling, this part of you that felt like it belonged to him. When just his head was left in your tight, grasping sex, he thrust back in you hard, hard enough to force the air from your lungs. 

“Fuck, Joel,” your hips pressed up into him as you started to tighten around him. “Joel, please…”

“Anything else on your mind, Baby?” He panted. You whimpered and shook your head quickly. “I want to be the only thing in this pretty head, want to be the only thing inside of any part of you.” 

You arched into him, your fingers digging into the flesh of his back as your pussy got even tighter around him. 

“That’s it Baby,” he managed, his own orgasm getting closer. “C’mon, come all over me. Come all over this cock, I’m so close Baby, want you to milk me dry, c’mon Baby…” 

You buried your face in his shoulder and thrust your hips up against his as you came around him, your channel throbbing fiercely over him. He only lasted two more thrusts before he pressed himself deep and came in you, filling you with rope after rope of his spend. 

Your orgasm outlasted his own, your body pulling every last drop of come from his own and he collapsed as you went limp below him. Joel rolled onto his back and pulled you with him, so you were loosely draped over his body, his cock still deep inside you. He ran his hands slowly over your back as the two of you came down from your shared high. After a moment, you pressed a kiss to his chest and he felt you smile against his skin. 

“What?” He asked. 

“Definitely doing better now,” you said, teasing a little. He smiled. 

“Good,” he kissed the top of your head. “Gotta do whatever I can to take care of my girl the doctor.” 

You laughed a little. 

“You take such good care of me,” your fingers traced little paths over his chest. “Think I can do anything as long as I’ve got you, Joel.” 

He smiled and rested a hand on the small of your back. 

“I think so, too.” 

[wakeenkitten]

Hi! I know that it makes a lifetime that I haven’t posted anything but I’m going to try to be more active even if I have two followers lol I’ll do it for you two guys! I was looking for it since a while and impossible to find it so I DID IT!

PS: You guys don’t hesitate to send me requests, I thought about a Johnny from Cmon Cmon nsfw alphabet. Tell me if you would like it! ❤️

🫶Joe (You were never really here) NSFW Alphabet 🫶

⚠️: NSFW, some stuffs from the movie.

A=Aftercare(what they’re like after sex): Joe is always very caring with you, so after sex he will always ask you if he didn’t hurt you, If he hasn’t been too rough. You can see the frown on his face, when he is really listening to every words that you are saying to make sure that you are okay. Then he will circle you between his big muscular arms in which you feel so safe and lay your head on his solid chest and fall asleep together after a great time.

B=Body Part(Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partners): He loves your whole body, but he is kinda obsessed with your ass, he will kiss spank and even suck your buttcheeks sometimes during oral. He also loves your pussy, no he adores your pussy, you were so insecure about it because it didn’t look like all these porn stars’ who had done surgery for it, but Joe looks at you there like he just found heaven, and he could not keep himself from telling you how beautiful and perfect it is and how good it feels around him. He doesn’t appreciate his body very much which is terrible and crazy for you because even though he is chubby he is just so firm and so hot. He likes his beard and his hair, he takes care of it also because he loves when you run your hands through it “it so soft that’s crazy”. He learns to like his dick because he sees in which state it puts you, and it takes time but you start to make him feel good in his gorgeous body.

C=Cum(anything to do with cum basically): Joe can be a little nervous about you getting pregnant, even if deeply inside of him he always wanted a child. But let’s be honest, he loves to cum on you, like he owns you, you are his little slut that he can breed , fill up or repaint her ass or her face, it wakes his animal instinct. When you blow him he will certainly cum inside your mouth, but when you guys fuck he likes to cum on your stomach all over it because he cums a lot, he produces so much semen even if you had sex the morning he will still spill a lot. He loves to cum on your face, when you are kneeling in front of him like that, like a good little girl and you drink and receive his babies. He loves that.

D=Dirty Secret(dirty secret of theirs)

Joe thinks that this is a dirty secret but when he is on some mission to hunt a horrible guy, what gives him a lot of strength and testosterone is that he imagines that all what these guys can do they are doing it to you and this is driving him crazy and he just wants to make these guys terribly suffer more than anything. Then he comes back home and he sees you asleep on the couch because you tried to wait for him but fell asleep, even though you were so nervous about the fact of him not coming back. All the pressure falls down and he can cherish you and live into his real life in which you rule, you put everything at its right place.

E=Experience(How experienced are they? Do they know what they are doing?)

It always been hard for Joe to keep a girlfriend because of his job. But he is mostly focused on your pleasure than his, he almost doesn’t care about his because he doesn’t need to, whatever you do drives him crazy. He is just so obsessed with watching you having pleasure that he is gonna do everything to make you come (obviously) and enjoy every second of it.

F=Favourite Position(no explanation needed)

You guys move a lot during sex, you like to try on new positions, Joe likes to explore all the ways that he can pleasure you. But he really likes spooning, just holding you close between his big muscular arms, making you feel safe while he drives inside of you again and again.

G=Goofy(are they more serious in the moment or are they more humorous ect)

Joe is deadly serious, everything that he tells you he deeply thinks it during this moment and it’s always lovely thinks ( « I love you so much » « you feel so perfect » « god you’re so tight I feel so safe inside of you »). It’s a very intimate moment for him and after all what he has been through he really needs a safe place to prove his affection to the person who saved his life.

H=Hair(how well groomed are they? Does the carpet match the drapes?ect)

Joe is not a very hairy guys everywhere but he has a big beard and this eyebrows, so he owns a big black bush down there. He takes care of it when he sees that he can start to disturb you like trimming his balls a little bit from time to time. But he just let his hair usually do their own life like his hair that he just ties in a bun and his beard that he lets grow until it becomes to long to do anything.

I=Intimacy(how are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

Joe is very romantic but more into a needing aspect, he needs you to live to breath, and he shows it to you during sex until it becomes even dirty. It is very important for him to preserve a sexual life because you need it so he uses it to show love to you because he is not a horny animal even if you drive him really crazy sometimes and that his primal instinct can sometimes pop out during sex, roar.

J=Jack Off(Masturbation Headcanon)

He doesn’t jerk off, but he loves to finger You. Feeling you clench and pulse around his fingers, he LOVES that. During a movie you’ll just have to give a little sign of horniness like needy kisses in his neck and he will rub his big hands on your thighs until he arrives to the top. And then of course he will take you to the room and make you scream all the moans from A to Z. You realized that you were even dirtier than him sometimes!

K=Kink(One or more of their kinks)

He is a lot into dom/sub stuff. OBVIOUSLY he is dom and you are his little baby girl or princess that he takes care of. He likes to take care of the deal so when you ask him to take care of something and that you would answer by a « thank you daddy » he feels so important and manly and in charge that it drives him wiiiiiiiild. You should be ready not to walk straight for a whole week lil hoe lol.

L=Location(favorite places to do the do)

It must be home, he doesn’t feel safe anywhere else. He needs to be totally safe to share intimacy with you. It generally happens in the bedroom, but believe it doesn’t make the thing boring! But sometimes it can happen on the couch when some sloppy kisses are exchanged in front of a movie.

M=Motivation(what turns them on, gets them going) When you rub your hands on his chubby stomach that you want to make him love. When you are caring a whole day with him because he had a hard job the night before and that he feels like he needs to thank you for it. When you are wearing his shirt, he is so bigger than you that he truly finds that’s adorable but terribly hot if you don’t wear anything under it.

N=NO(Something they wouldn’t do, turns offs) Everything that is a little too much. He can be a little kinky but he would not do something that brings somebody else like voyeurism. Bondage is not his stuff neither (he is already strong enough why would he need to tie you up). Degradation towards him or you, but praising oh yeah he loves that.

O=Oral(preference in giving or receiving, skills) Don’t misunderstand, he really loves when you take care of him! But he just LOVES to go down on you, spreading your little legs with his big hands, watching you go crazy, breathing hard, and god he loves your taste he could just eat you as his dessert at every meal. He likes the feeling of your juices wetting his beard. And he just loves it like leave the man enjoy his life. He is verrrry good at it so it’s absolutely not a matter for you. He can even be creative! He takes the care to finger you at the same time when he does it to feel you clench and pulse. Soooo perfect, of course it will make him hard and you will have to have sex after.

P=Pace(are they fast and rough?slow and sensual?) He will start in a romantic slow pace and then will grab you by the hips and fuck the shit out of you. He suddenly let this big animal come out of him, this primal instinct. He will go faster and faster, and you are usually the first to come with him, and will keep that fast pace making your body bounce like a fucktoy until he spills his seed inside of you.

Q=Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how

often, etc.) Nah he doesn’t like quickies, sex is important in your relationship he likes to do it well and he wants to make sure that you came too that you enjoyed the thing. So no quickies.

R=Risk(are they game to experiment, do they take risk) Not really. He would always be worried to be followed by a bounty hunter and he would never forgive himself to have put you in danger, so public places are not his thing or just unusual places. But he likes to try on new things with you as far as you stay safe at home.

S=Stamina(how many rounds can they go for? Do they last long?) Like I said, you are almost always the first to come because Joe’s stamina is impressive. He can go on and on and on. It happens that he stays inside of you after both of you are done, your juices building up inside, and you feel him slowly getting hard again without even needing to go out of you. Seriously impressive.

T=Toy(Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?) No he is not really into that. He prefers to eat you out himself. You are HIS girl and even when he is away he prefers you to wait for him. And on him he would definitely not use toys. He also been traumatized by the ones he found in the pedos rooms. So it makes him very uncomfortable.

U=Unfair(How much they like to tease)

Joe is not really a tease, when he wants you he will manifest himself. But he likes pretty much when you tease him. Calling for daddy and all that, he will try to not care but obviously it was all an act and he finally grabs you and take you with him to the room.

V=Volume(how loud they are, what sounds they make) Joe can let escape a few grunts during sex but he is pretty quiet. He is mostly breathing very hard, and harder and harder closer he gets to coming. He will drive inside of you very fast making you bounce and scream and will finally come in a loud animalistic groan, almost like a roar. Like the big teddy bear that he is.

W=Wild Card(Get a random headcanon)

He loves the fact that you are so small compared to him. Just taking in his arms, trying to envelop you completely to protect you from all the horrible things in this world. He is a very sweet man and you love him also for that!

X=X-Ray(what’s under there?) Well, Well, WELL. Joe is… how do you guys would say? HUGE. He is long like around 6 inches, but he is mostly very thick. His cock is gorgeous, veiny and nice mushroom tip that he likes to rub on your clit and that glistens when he gets horny. You love to see those veins pumping of blood when he gets hard, oh my… You two were pretty worried the first time, and it’s still a little worry to enter you with his log. But once he is inside after the first time, he is just hitting every spots and it is just extraordinary, Joe never misses to make you cum. And with the time he has to admit that he loves to hear you scream « Fuck, it’s so big baby! ».

Y=Yearning(How high is their sex drive?)

He is not a horny guy, he will wait until you ask for it, of course he will gladly accept it at any time, he is still a man after all! But he prefers to give you this job, to leave you space, he doesn’t want to be one of those guys who are begging and harassing their girlfriend for a little blowjob. Sometimes you two are on the couch and you get closer to him, you can see the imprint of his big erection against his sweatpants but he will not move until you decide to put your hand on it. Your big big lovely man.

Z=ZZZ(…how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) It takes a while. Joe doesn’t sleep a lot and most of his « jobs » are at night. So it happens that you have sex before he has to go. But he loves to watch you fall asleep, holding you and caressing your hair until you are slowly losing yourself. He will just rub his nose on your hair and your scent will make him fall asleep. Such a pleasure to hold the woman that you love after having showed it to her.

[stunnedstarker]

Here’s a preview of a chapter fic I’m very excited about! This is my fill for “Jealous!Tony” on my @starkerfestivals bingo card.

“Unlabeled Project File #91628, Restricted Access, Status: Ongoing” – Chapter 5

Tony hadn't wanted to let them back in. In fact, he'd relished the idea of slamming the door in their stupid, arrogant faces.

Yes, Nat did absolutely refuse to acknowledge Rhodey's losses, despite having hung back during his emergency surgeries (multiple, at that). But Tony had always wondered, cared, racked his brain over and over on the long, sleepless nights, about her motive. Where was it? Why had she let Steve go?

So when she finally comes knocking, he lets her in. He sits her down. He crosses his legs, folds his hands, clears his throat. Then, asks. “Why’d you let him go?”

In all the years he’d studied her expressions, he had never seen her startled. But the way her inner brow lifts, the quiet scoff and her long look to the side all tell him she still wishes he had more tact.

Unyielding, he presses his thumbs together, taps them, waits.

She returns her gaze, seeming to have prepared an answer beforehand.

"Because of you."

Of the explanations he’d imagined, it isn’t one.

He blinks. Twice. Calmly, he asks, "What?"

"Do you remember the press conference?"

She doesn't have to tell him which one. He knows, because of course he remembers. He looks away, doesn't answer.

"You knew that the entire world believed you to be one thing."

Lips folded sideways, he glances up at her in reluctant agreement.

"And you wanted to prove them wrong. I let them go-"

Softly, he shakes his head to the side, averts his eyes. "It's not the same," he mutters, but she's resolute, as always.

"I let them go because Bucky deserved that chance too."

Tony sucks in what little air is left in the room, then sighs.

“Which room do you want?”

“Rooms.”

“Excuse me?”

He stares into her eyes, watches the subtle lift of a smile.

“No.”

“Tony-“

“No. I’m giving you a pass, but he is not staying here. You know what he did to my air vents! And the-“

“I’m not coming back without him.”

“Filtration costs and-“

“He’d make a great trainer for the kid, y’know.”

“Don’t even get me started on the- wait, train– the training program?” Tony catches, surprised.

Before, the only children Clint had been interested in were his own. He clocked in, did his job, and clocked out. Tony had tried many times to sign him up as a mentor, to no avail. The thought of it now, with Peter in the program…

“Barton wants in on the New Avengers?”

“He’s coming around,” she replies, cheeky.

“I’ll… I’ll think about it,” is all Tony gives back.

It takes Tony longer than it probably should to concede. It isn’t that he minds having Clint around. Sure, he’d broken Wanda out of the NAF and then helped her drop a car on the suit, but whatever. Nothing a little body-modifying super-tech and a significant few years of corrective therapy can't fix, broken spirit notwithstanding.

It’s just the thought of him, of Nat, of anyone training Peter. Rhodey has instilled expert tactical knowledge, Peter has studied every one of Bruce’s old notes on everything from biochem to alien tech analysis, and Tony has gradually taught Peter as much mechanical engineering as one kid can take.

So, really, he does need something new. And yet, with the opportunity presented, Tony still feels so reluctant to let him go. He isn’t sure why, until Peter rolls his desk chair over one afternoon, smiling from behind a pair of lab goggles.

“Hey, I finished re-tracing the wiring on the inner arm so the circuits connect more smoothly, but I’m still having trouble with the voice commands, and I think the problem is-“

And suddenly, Tony gets it.

He stands there, watching Peter gesture toward the bench, bandaged fingers moving gently as he enumerates his theories. He watches the light refracted in Peter’s wide, brown eyes, traces the pattern of his lips over each word. Slowly, fear begins to swirl in his belly, because he gets it.

He doesn’t want Peter to train with anyone else. He doesn’t want Peter around anyone else. He doesn’t even want Peter to talk with anyone else, because he wants Peter just like this. Here, in the lab, at his feet, all to himself.

“Mister Stark?”

Tony blinks, and the large, clear goggles on Peter’s face look even more ridiculous and adorable than before. All Tony can think about is how it would feel to hold those cheeks in both hands and kiss that stupid mouth until Peter forgets how to speak, let alone with such competence. That, and that he needs to leave, immediately, if not sooner.

“Uhh, y-yeah. Try restarting the voice activation system and- and I’ll check back with you later, okay? I’ve just gotta- um,” he presses the back of his hand to his brow, rubs away the sweat in tired fashion. “Grab some coffee. I’ll- I’ll be back,” he says, tossing his grease-stained towel aside and heading for the stairs.

“Uh, o-ok-ayyy,” Peter gets out, broken and confused, before Tony is gone.

Upstairs, Tony stumbles into the kitchen, thanking the stars that Rhodey is away for the week. He gets his hands under cold running water, doesn’t allow himself to watch their subtle shaking. He presses them to his face, feeling the cool against his cheeks, on his temples. He sighs.

With a step back and a shift to the side, he tears off a paper towel, dries his hands, and presses his pointed shoe against the pedal of the trash can. As the lid lifts and he discards the towel, he reaches for his phone. The line opens before the end of the second ring.

“Tell Barton he’s gonna need some new arrows.”

[visualsandvoices]

You know what I love about the andor show? What is so insanely refreshing?? I’ve been finding with phase 4 marvel and even some non-disney stuff that either 1 of 2 things happens

1. We get walked through all the emotional pacing of the show. The characters over explain, completely on the nose, how they feel to each other constantly. Going on about breakups like yeah it does suck but the attempt at making it relatable comedy just reminds me of watching zoey 101 back in the day like you’re full grown adults that have ruled kingdoms, run businesses, performed life saving surgeries and now you have the emotional coping skills of someone who’s only just discovered hot topic?? Like, zero nuance, subtlety, room for subtext. I’m sorry conversations don’t sound like that. How often do you hear people over explain their exact emotions??

2. Fourth wall breaks where all of the above more or less happens, but character speaks directly to audience to walk us through, rather than other characters. (2022 persuasion a great example of this done poorly).

Do you assume your audience has ZERO emotional intelligence? Why is stuff being written like an episode of blues clues like “can you spot what hurt them? There it is! Good job!”

Like BRO. Stop assuming I don’t freaking understand what you’re feeling. Stop assuming we are too lazy or dense to parse conversations (that are visual and so we have body language to work with too!) for subtext. For hidden meaning. For nuance.

And Andor did not fall into that trap. There is so much behaviour to analyze. He’s a fast learner, he pays attention to his surroundings and adapts to his circumstances. Someone made a comment on here that said “and it isn’t with a quip or a wink that we’re told he’s a fast learner” we just get to watch. Someone else pointed out how when he’s young we don’t get translated/subtitles we just watch the body language and know what’s up on his home planet bc we don’t need someone to hold our collective hand in order to understand a scene or it’s gravity.

And and and that’s not to say they decide not to deal with heavy things, whether personal or social etc. We have the rant from the techy dude can’t think of his name just now about how the empire distracts you with 40 incidents instead of one atrocity. But it’s written into the characters and scenes so well it doesn’t feel like we are in a classroom. It’s a group of radicals and rebels of course they have strong beliefs and it’s being explained to the new guy. It works.

Freaking. Thank. You.

Andor is probably the best Star Wars thing I’ve seen in years. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk lol

[horsetailcurlers2]

another long obnoxious stream of my thoughts while watching greys anatomy for the first time (season 13 bc nobody has stopped me!!)

-oh my god meredith please just tell her you slept with riggs

-yeah DUH amelia you should have gotten to know each other better before you got married

-can i just say that i will never ever base my preconceptions of a show off tiktok again lol. before i watched this show i fully expected to hate maggie and april. i’m nervous bc i’ve also seen people who haven’t watched pp say they hated amelia but so far i don’t see why.

-i’m confused?? amelia has definitely mentioned her anencephalic baby to owen before. maybe she hasn’t laid out the whole story but she definitely mentioned him some time after derek died.

-oooh murphy is back

-bailey is not stupid so why is she acting stupid??? of course this prison has scarce medical resources and the doctors are overworked. what planet do you live on?

-trying to cut dr eliza some slack bc she’s just doing her job, but she could probably do it a way that’s less irritating

-imo alex deserves to be punished. way too many main characters get off too easy when they make fucked up choices. but i selfishly don’t want him to go to prison lol

-bailey is starting to seriously piss me off. i’m not saying all the attendings are in the right for the way they’re acting but what did she think would happen if she brought in some abrasive stranger to take a sledgehammer to their program and undermine the authority of a bunch of tight knit surgeons who are often times like a group of talented toddlers with scalpels

-they should have done a chemistry read with jessica capshaw before they cast minnick lmao. the flirting is so bad and the “sexual tension” thing they’re trying to is almost laughable.

-why on earth WOULDN’T you want an actual peds surgeon to supervise a child’s surgery? whatever phase two of your teaching program whatever…. but what the fuck?

-also “this isn’t about me it’s about edwards” rubs me the wrong way bc actually it’s about the fucking patient

-i think they’ve introduced new exterior shots this season. i like ‘em

-owen pisses me off bc he’s actually a really good friend, but an appallingly bad partner

-maggie could stand to chill out a little bit, even if she doesn’t know about the cancer.

-“a place she loved… by the water” RICHARD

-maggie’s mom is so real “orgasms. they are not a gift. it’s your right” “i wanna die with my eyelashes on”

-the synchronized lasagna eating is what finally made me cry. RIP diane

-“her heart beat for derek shepherd. it never occurred to me that she would be with anyone else” jesus fucking christ why don’t you chill out a little bit arizona

-i like this plane episode a lot. i know it’s not *technically* a bottle episode but it feels like one. what are the odds somebody can be in TWO emergency plane situations in the same handful of years

-meredith definitely fucked up and she should’ve told maggie about riggs WAY sooner but (and i feel mean saying this) maggie is being a little dramatic about a guy she didn’t actually date. it’s the principle though, so i get it.

-jo’s secret abusive husband is will shuester?????

-these fake outs with alex and paul are giving me heart palpitations.

-of course amelia speaks german. that’s so hot

-maybe i’m stupid but i think that if there’s a fire, all the doors to outside should automatically be unlocked

-minnick sucks ridiculously hard

[lys-lilac]

A Surprise Proposal: Toshiki Kasumi X MC

[A/N: Blame my dream for this idea as well. But MC sharing her insecurities with him? YES YES YES! Also who doesn't like a proposal to go reverse way? All the characters belong to Voltage Inc. and this is a fictional work.]

~

Night: EICU HQ

It was just a normal, and hectic day for both of you. Surgeries, post operative care, out patients, meetings, and paperworks. Even though the rigorous hours in hospital were fulfilling for you, in the recent 2 years, you had been looking forward to something else every single day. That handsome face, that alluring voice, that unwavering gaze, that softness of his hand and his warmth. When you joined the hospital, you had already made up your mind not to make any more new relationships. You knew how difficult it was maintain each one, trust someone that much and the subsequent pain of them receding away farther and farther from your reach. The feeling of being unwanted, unwelcome had scarred your heart so deep that it was beyond healing. Even though everyone praised you for being a brilliant student, you couldn't help but feel pathetic often, crying over a patient's death when you were alone even though it was supposed to be your job, wanting to spend time with friends, when in reality you couldn't make one. Maybe they found you boring for being a nerd? But, you still would try to focus on the positive side of your life, your supportive parents, Asuka, who had been your emotional support. You thought earlier, you shouldn't wish for more. You should be content with this much. Little did you know, you subconsciously wanted to hold to a hand that wanted to help you, and be loved. There he was. Waiting for you, accepting all your sides with open arms, with that gentle gaze. He said it was you who saved him, but in reality, it was him who saved you from drowning in self doubt, remorse and guilt. Sometimes it even made you think whether you are dreaming, and the harsh reality will return back soon.

"MC?"

The familiar voice breaks your train of thoughts and you can't help but smile. After all, it is your day off tomorrow together.

"Dr. Kasumi."

Seeing you in a good mood, he ruffles your hair.

"Did anything good happen today? Share with me when we reach home."

"It's nothing. I am just happy to see you after a loooong day!"

With that gentle smile not leaving his lips, he casually slips your bag on his shoulders, and takes your hand in the other. Even though it has become a daily routine, you still feel all your tiredness wash away with his simple gesture.

"Good night everyone."

"Oh how I could kill to be in your place..."

Dr. Kyogoku mumbles while typing a patient record.

"I owe you one, oh dear Chairman bodyguard!"

"MC, the new stock you promised."

Dr Ekuni's voice comes lazily from the office couch.

"Got it. 5 flavors of jelly, and the curry ramen. But it goes to our joint snack account!"

"Yes ma'am, very grateful."

You can't tell if he is drowsy or just enjoying the moment of peace with that relieved expression of his.

"Enjoy your day off together. And please get some sleep, you two zombies."

Dr. Hosho chuckles as he places a cup of coffee on his desk.

"Who are you calling a zombie? Isn't a prince surviving on coffee more zombie like?"

"Just admit you suck at joking Dr. Kasumi. Your words and that chilling gaze are 180° to each other."

Dr. Takado replies looking at his cooking ramen.

Even though Kasumi tries to joke, all HQ members have long known it will fail mostly. But knowing him, he won't mind either way, even though he pouts slightly. Then we proceed home.

Night: Kasumi's Apartment

"Should we watch this?"

"Your choice, I am fine with your picks."

Kasumi replies as he places two cups of hot chocolate on the table.

For a change of pace, you have decided to watch a movie together. Yes, visiting places on dates is really fun, but just enjoying each other's company at home is sometimes more of what you crave.

As you tap the start button, you drape a blanket over both of you.

"Should I raise the temperature of air-con a little more?"

Thinking you are cold, he pulls you closer to him.

"What if I say I just wanted to be cozy?"

"Should we postpone the movie for tomorrow and do something else tonight then?"

"You- we should continue the movie purr-ty please..."

"Pfft, got it."

Silently burying your face on his chest to hide your red cheeks, you get amazed by the common fact that all this time you have spent together, you still can't understand how he is so smooth with his words. But at least he seems happy, so it's worth it.

The movie is about the nemesis of a famous detective, but from his point of view. Why he committed crimes, what was his view of an ideal world and upto what extent he could sacrifice to reach his goal. You have been a fan of the manga series, so were over the moon when the movie was announced. And now you got the chance to watch it! As for Kasumi, he showed interest in the manga when you shared it with him, and now he enjoyed it as well.

As the movie is about halfway, your eyes start to get heavy. The protagonist is standing in a field full of white lillies, and while gazing at the blue sky, mumbles to himself that if the detective and him can be born again, it would be lucky if they can be true friends that time and not enemies.

Maybe it's the work fatigue, or the serene scenery of the movie, or perhaps the comfort of being with Kasumi, that you decide to spill the thoughts you had in the hospital earlier.

"Kasumi?"

"Mm? Are you sleepy?"

"A little. But I want to share with you why I was actually smiling earlier in the HQ. Be patient until I finish my words okay?"

"Alright."

Leaning on his shoulder, you close your eyes to put the right words on your thoughts and to convey it to him clearly.

"You know, back when I was in med school, I felt pathetic and disgusted by myself often. Even though everyone encouraged me saying I will become a good doctor in the future, in that process, they subsequently killed my heart by indirectly implying that I shouldn't expect happiness in the process. I also wanted to visit places with friends, grab dinner with them and just have a good time sometimes. But that had become impossible for someone like me. Of course, Asuka became my sole Anam Cara* later, but those lingering feelings would never go."

"..."

You knew he would listen to you and wouldn't interrupt, so fighting your drowsiness, you continue.

"I do believe in miracles. But I never thought I would be blessed with such a great miracle, that is, meeting you. My first impression of you was that of a disciplined and top surgeon, someone I should admire and aspire to be. I used to see your care for your patients. That's when I thought, what a gentle heart he has. I hope may he stay happy. When you saved me from that speeding truck, what I was more shocked at rather than the accident was the fact that why did you save me? Your care and love that is like a vast expanse of the sky, soothing to watch at, but at the same time was so far from me, could I perhaps reach it? I was conflicted by own feelings. I was scared that I would hurt you, or maybe would hurt myself if I came to know you already had a significant other. That's why I still feel like dreaming that such a kind person accepted someone like me."

"MC..."

You could feel his bangs softly caressing you, that result in making you feel even more sleepy.

"So if I say I want to be with you, is that okay? If I say let's get married, and grow old together.... is... that... o-okay..."

As you are almost about to express your innermost feelings, sleep takes over you.

"Not even waiting for me to reply? My cute MC, you again suceeded in stealing my heart for the umpteenth time. As for the answer--"

He turns off the TV, lifts you up to take you to the bedroom and carefully whispers midway so as to not wake you up...

"The answer's always been yes."

~

(*Anam Cara- A soul friend who supports you and you rely on them whenever you face any problem)

[owltypical]

my dad died last night.

he'd been suffering from emphysema and lung issues in general for a good few years, due to a lifetime of heavy smoking. earlier this month he went in for surgery to insert some special tubes that would give him a 50/50 chance of improved breathing; about a week after he came home from that he couldn't breathe and had to go to the ER, where he almost died there, but a doctor saved him.

for about a week since then my dad was sedated and on ventilator, with the tubing removed, severe pneumonia, and a sketchy outlook, the surgery having failed. it got to the point that it became clear there was no coming back from this and he had do not resuscitate active, so they took everything out last night and he went peacefully, still sedated. from what i understand this surgery attempt hastened his death, but even beforehand he was in poor shape and miserable about things, so he probably didn't have a super-long time left anyway.

god, it hurts. partly because all of us spent so many years asking him to please stop smoking, and all he ever did was snap and snarl and keep going. partly because he could be an absolute asshole, an obsessive far-righter who watched fox news constantly and was racist and homophobic and antisemetic and every kind of hateful over things. i never planned on coming out to him, at least fully, and sometimes i felt like i'd be okay never talking to him again. partly because he could be bad at showing positive emotions and affection and could sometimes be verbally abusive, but he really did love us and when he said i love you to me and my brother and mom, he really meant it.

the last time i saw him in person was about seven years ago, for a few days. then nothing at all outside of phonecalls since, and then i saw him on video calls a couple times over the past few months. and when my mom informed us of his death today, she said his wishes were to be cremated and to have no funeral. and my mom said not to come to arizona, she was doing what she could on her own, and that we were to keep going with what we were doing, and wished me luck with my continuing job search.

so i'm...just so far removed from it all. i'm angry at him, but it hurts so much because i still loved him and he loved me, and because there's nothing for me to do. it hurts so much harder than i expected it to. i have to get my closure alone and far away from everybody, with no gathering, no anything, just...going on with my day, removed, at a distance. i've been given the news, and now it's apparently time to move on.

this sucks.

[theheelerbooklifereads]

⁉️𝚀𝙾𝚃𝙳: 𝙷𝚘𝚠 𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚌𝚝 𝚒𝚏 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚘𝚔𝚎 𝚞𝚙 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚜𝚞𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚛𝚢 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚠𝚊𝚜 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚊𝚋𝚕𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚊𝚔𝚎 𝚘𝚞𝚝 𝚙𝚎𝚘𝚙𝚕𝚎'𝚜 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚎𝚜? 𝙷𝚘𝚠 𝚍𝚘 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚔 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚠𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚌𝚘𝚙𝚎 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚏𝚊𝚌𝚎 𝚋𝚕𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚗𝚎𝚜𝚜?

Thank you NetGalley, Macmillan Audio, and Katherine Center for this arc in exchange for an honest review.

𝐑𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝟓/𝟓 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐬

Sadie has a lot on her mind such as being a finalist in the North American Portrait Society competition because she knows if she can create something amazing, then she can prove her father and stepmother wrong about being an artist. However, Sadie ends up having a seizure in the middle of street and ends up waking up in the hospital and learns that she has a cavernoma and it is better to get surgery now even though she is nervous it will mess with getting ready for the competition. She is reassured that everything should go smoothly with a short amount of healing, which means she can continue on with her plans for the competition. But, when wakes up from surgery, she notices an issue with seeing people's faces and is told this is just "probably a temporary" condition known as face blindness. Sadie has to learn to cope and accommodate herself with her new (possibly temporary) disability, her career, the family issues, and falling for her dog's vet even though she cannot see his face.

Back in the Spring of 2018, I was subscribed to Book of the Month, and they ended up choosing How to Walk Away as one of their picks, which I ultimately ended up choosing to put into my box. I read that book and fell madly love with the story and had to get my hands on any of Katherine's new releases. So, I have been following her books for 5 years now and I loved all of them minus one-The Bodyguard. Due to finding the Bodyguard to be an okay read I became nervous that I would not like Hello Stranger, but I ended up requesting the ALC from NetGalley and I am happy to report that I loved this book!

I could not get enough of this book. The storyline was played out very well and the narrator did a great job with sucking me into the story. I will admit the "twist" was obvious and I think it probably was supposed to be obvious to us readers and if it was not, it still did not take away from the story.

Katherine Center has focused on many different types of hardships that some of her characters in her books have to go through that can affect them physically, mentally, and emotionally to the point where life feels like it just sucks for them, but they have to go through a journey of self-discovery to be okay with what they are facing or learning how to accommodate themselves.

Yes, we still see these characters fall in love, but I am always in awe of how amazing Katherine addresses these topics and make us root for the characters. In Hello Stranger, Katherine does exactly this like she has done in some of her previous books such as: How to Walk Away (Margaret becomes paralyzed in a plane crash) and What You Wish For (Sam suffers from seizures).

As someone who works with students who have disabilities, I loved watching Sadie struggle because one of her senses is hindered, but because of that she has to find ways to accommodate herself to recognize people in different ways as well as find ways to paint a portrait for her competition. I would become so excited for her when she would make little victories just like I would with the students I work with.

Now, for the romance: I definitely thought it was super sweet. We have Sadie who falls madly in love with her dog's vet, and she thinks she is going to marry him even though she does not know anything about him, but their date falls through. With her date falling through and then having to deal with an annoying and rude man named Joe in her apartment building, she starts to fall for him.

One thing I have to add is that I freaking love Sadie's dog Peanut because dogs are just the best and I was so excited when she became excited over being able to see Peanut's face when she discovers she has face blindness. I would have lost it too if I could not see my dog's face.

Hello Stranger will have you rooting for the MFC in every aspect of her life, laughing, and smiling ear to ear. You all seriously need to pick this book up and you all should know that I must really, really, really love this book if I wrote a small essay review for it.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Grey's Anatomy: I'll Follow the Sun (19x07)

I'm not angry, I'm not even surprised, I'm just... disappointed?

Cons:

It feels like Grey's has been equivocating about Meredith's exit for a season and a half now. Is she moving away? No. Yes. No. And now, definitively, yes. And yet Meredith undercuts the solemnity of her own exit during the goodbye party, saying she's sure to be back from Boston soon anyway. That's the vibe I get from this. It's not that Meredith is really gone, gone. I have a strong suspicion that when it comes time for Grey's to hang up its hat for good, Ellen Pompeo will pop up for a final send-off in style. It's just... it's annoying that this is supposed to be a semi-permanent goodbye, it is the ending of Meredith Grey as main character of this show, and it's so... unceremonious. So little time is spent on her. The episode is full of other subplots, mundane and profound alike, and Meredith really didn't have a lot of time dedicated to her. People's exit episodes usually get a lot more gravitas to them, and it feels really cheap and disappointing and just... underwhelming in the extreme, that this is all Meredith gets for hers.

The biggest problem is that Nick fucking sucks, I hate him, I hate that this is the note we go off on, Meredith leaving with her kids, Nick trying to run frantically to the airport to tell her he loves her... like, I hope she says no. I hope she stays in Boston and Nick goes the fuck away and doesn't bother her anymore. The end of that. My blood was boiling during the scene where he was snapping at her about how she thought he was to blame for everything because he didn't say what he was supposed to say on her timetable. Shut the hell up, dude. That's Meredith Grey you're talking to, you're not worthy to be in her company!

In other subplot news, we check in with a lot of characters in a brief sort of way, and I'd just like to lodge the familiar complaint that I don't like the idea of Link and Jo being romantically entangled, so I hope they knock it off with that. And I'm sad about Maggie and Winston's relationship drama, although I'll admit I'm a little more intrigued with it this week than I have been so far (more on that later).

Pros:

So, despite the fact that I'm disappointed with the lack of gravitas surrounding Meredith's exit, there are things about the framing that I enjoy. I like that Meredith got to say that she chooses herself and her kids, and she's not going to beg someone to love her. That was a nice glow-up from the "choose me" moment with Derek, which, while I think it still works as romance and drama, is famously a line that Ellen Pompeo hated because she felt it was disempowering to women. I also like that her exit is more or less drama-free with her friends and family. She gets a going away party with a mishap with the cake, since Link brought the wrong one by accident. She gets farewell toasts from Bailey and Richard, the final two OG members of the cast left on the show. Zola gets to watch her Aunt Maggie's history-making surgery. The two little ones go to say goodbye to their old daycare buddies. They get on a plane, they're off for a new life, and Meredith is happy. For all I could have wished for more pomp and circumstance, this is what I want for her. I want her to be content, going off to start a new adventure.

Teddy didn't annoy me this week because she didn't have scenes with Owen, merely spent the episode chasing Richard down about potentially becoming the new Chief. Richard tells her it's a thankless job, but it's hers if she wants it. I anticipate this could be insufferable moving forward, but for the moment I don't particularly mind it!

Maggie and Winston... I'm still a little annoyed that their relationship has to be full of tension, I kind of wanted them to be our one solid and happy example amidst everyone else's drama. And Maggie's behavior is still troubling and irritating to me. But this episode actually had that get called to the forefront. Winston has been stewing that Maggie said she didn't respect him for being willing to give up his chosen career path for the sake of their marriage. And now we see Winston throw that back in her face, but in a very understandable way - he doesn't respect her for her coldness. For her inability to see that his priorities in life might be different, and that doesn't make him weaker or lesser. I'm actually excited to see where this goes, because I think it's a lesson Maggie really badly needs to learn. I'm prepared to eat my words, though, this could end up being really annoying, really fast.

And then the interns. It's super cheesy, but the idea of them moving into Meredith's house is honestly pretty perfect. It keeps a legacy going in a way I find really neat. Let's just do it, let's dive in and let these characters really be the focus. I want to get to know them and love them the way I once loved our original gang of baby doctors. I don't know if that's possible, this show has definitely lost a great deal of its original spark, but I don't know, I'm willing to be pulled in! I loved Helm teaching Mika how to do a certain stitch so she could get a win after her car/home got towed. I loved Blue being cocky and then losing out. I like the tension between Simone and Lucas. There could be a lot of promise here!

We had two big medical cases this week. One, Maggie successfully performed a partial heart transplant on an infant (whatever, just go with it, it's fake), and it was the one moment in the whole episode when I teared up, when Amelia was talking about her kid who died right after being born. We also have Meredith's very last surgery as official employee of Grey Sloan being performed on the beloved children's author we met previously. Unfortunately, she dies on the table. I kind of like the melancholy note that this brings. Meredith expected to go out on top, but luck isn't always with you. And the conversation with Simone was a nice touch. A real passing of the torch, and a softening of the bitterness of this tragedy. This author got to write her final book, and get her words out there one final time.

I guess I'll just end this review by saying I'll be sticking around. I don't know how to feel about Meredith's exit. In so many ways this episode just felt like another standard run-of-the-mill Grey's episode. It didn't have any of the gravitas or intensity or passion I would have expected from saying goodbye to our leading star character. I wish I could go back to the way this show once made me feel, when we had so many of our old favorites around us. I still enjoy tuning in for new content, and there are still characters who spark joy in me. But mostly the experience of watching Grey's Anatomy these days leaves me feeling a little bit numb. Hopefully the intern characters can continue to grow and give me more to love, and hopefully we can give my boy Schmitt some more interesting story beats sometime soon too. I love that kid.

7/10

[beforeiforgetyou]

i miss the way she says my name

i miss the way she looks at me

i miss the way she calls me forty times in a row

i miss her facetimes

i miss her face

i miss her lips

i miss her hands

i miss looking at the scar on her knuckle and remembering the day she knocked me out

i miss pretending like i dont want to kiss her

i miss staring at her ass

i miss the ways he laughs at her phone but not at my jokes

i miss the way she only has an accent when she says a new word

i miss how she'll show up in at my house if i don't answer my phone

i miss watching her feet underneath dressing room doors

i miss the way she smells (i already said that but its so true)

i miss the way her pussy tastes

i miss the way walks too fast and i have to jog to keep up

i miss the way she cries

i miss the way she drives like a gd maniac

i miss the way her ass feels around my fingers and my dick

i miss the way her tumblr posts and anonymous messages

i miss her voice

i miss her smile- all of them

the sweet smile

the naughty smile

the fake smile

i miss them all

i miss going to the same 6 restaurants over and over because she doesn't like new places

i miss sitting in her car and saying nothing

i miss sitting in her car and talking about everything

i miss sitting in her car and digging out her holes

i miss when she hugs me and im too short so im really hugging her titties

i miss the way her skin feels, smooth and hot

i miss sticking my hand up her shirt or down her pants just to get a little closer

i miss her body

i miss that little scar she has from her surgery

i miss how she always says she has a headache like i dont already know

i miss her good morning texts

i miss her goodnight texts

i miss reading my shitty college essays to her until she halfway falls asleep

i miss masturbating to her while im sitting in my car

i miss sending doordash orders to her job

i miss shopping with her even though she always wants me to wait far away until its time to pay

i miss buying her all that shit she doesnt need

i miss her sending me things she wants

i miss the way she grabs me when i try to walk away

i miss rubbing her butt

i miss rubbing her clit

i miss calling her my good girl when she makes me cum

i miss the way it feels to hold her when she's sitting or we're lying down and it doesnt matter that im short

i miss pretending im not in love with her all day at work

i miss chasing her every time she leaves the room but trying not to make it seem obvious

i miss driving to her house in the middle of the night

i miss eating her pussy on my knees in her parents living room

i miss adding songs to that playlist and listening to it when im missing her

i miss sending her those songs even though she'll never listen to them

i miss her teeth; they're whiter than mine and they shine like diamonds in her mouth

i miss staying up all night writing love poems for her to read in the morning

i miss the way she touches my face or my cheek when im sad

i miss how she does anything to make me smile

i miss calling her my slut and slapping her ass

i miss how wet her pussy gets for me

i miss hating everyone at work that even speaks to her

i miss counting down the hours until i get to see her again

i miss sucking her nipples

i miss sticking my face between her shoulder and neck

i miss the way she always says no to me

i miss how she gets angry at me

i miss how she forgives me

i miss how she makes me feel like i am special

i miss how she tells me how amazing she thinks i am

i miss when she tries to grab my penis

i miss when she's sweet but then pretends she's not when really she's just a girl

i miss how she always put her feet up on the restaurant booths

i miss how she asks me where i want to eat and pretends like she's actually going to want to go to any of those places

i miss getting her drunk and taking advantage of her

i miss listening to her try to order the sweetest drink on the menu just to send it back anyways

i miss her dimple and a half

i miss her snapchats and making her my personal pornstar

i miss how smart she is

i miss how funny she is

i miss watching her go through seven tubes of chapstick a day

i miss how she always covers her mouth when something really makes her happy like she's embarrassed of her own joy

i miss how she gets angry when she's hurt and feels bad later

i miss how she gets frustrated with her family but she still does anything for them

i miss how she gets frustrated with me but still does everything for me

i miss the way she lets me touch her because when i do it i can feel how much she trusts me

i miss how she trusts me

i miss that stupid outfit she wears all the time

i miss her collection of ugly shoes

i miss how she never throws anything away

i miss how she's so independent and strong but i can still see that scared little girl in her sometimes

i miss how she always tries to satisfy me but never believes that i am

i miss that weird coughing sound she makes when her allergies are acting up

i miss those little golden hairs that her body is covered in

i miss running my hands down her back and watching her chest rise and fall with every breath

i miss listening to her yap about some stupid work stuff

i miss yapping to her about some stupid work stuff

i miss listening to her tell me all her hopes and dream and fears

i miss telling her all of mine too

i miss using every walgreens bathroom in orlando with her

i miss how she gets jealous when im talking to the stupid white girls at work

i miss closing my eyes when she drives because i swear she's going to kill me someday

i miss trying to make jokes with her at work but she doesn't have a clue what im talking about

i miss when she tries to talk about some "black" stuff but i dont have a clue what she's talking about

i miss the way she listens anyways

i miss the way she never makes me feel like less

i miss her phases when she pretends she wants nothing to do with me

i miss her phases when she can't go a minute without me

i miss fingering in while she's driving

i miss when she looks at me with love in her eyes

i miss when she looks at me with anger

i miss when she looks at me with fear

i just miss the way she looks at me in general but i think i already said that

i miss trying to figure out the things she doesn't tell me

i miss how she used to step on my feet at work

i miss slutting her out in different hotels rooms

i miss tell her i lover her

i miss telling her i miss her

i miss checking her tumblr a thousand times a day just to see what's on her mind

i miss crying with her for the things we both want but we know we cant have

i miss getting angry and horny for her at the same time

i miss when she tells me that she's going to take a nap even though we both know it wont work

i miss doing her homework for her

i miss sitting in my house and doing absolutely nothing but thinking about her

i miss the fact ive been writing this an hour and still have more to say

i miss her when she spends too long at the stupid gym

i miss how she tells me she needs to change her face and body because it just makes me love every part of her as-is even more

i miss the way she refuses to let me go

i miss the way i cant let her go either

i miss the feeling of standing next to her

i miss those times when she dont say anything to one another and just her presence is enough

i miss being her favorite guy

i miss how she loved me

i miss how she loves me

i fucking miss my favorite girl.

[rainbowskittle]

Tw homophobia but not really just some hate.. she does accept and love lgbtq+.. she just older so still figuring out how top surgery is.

Just ignore sorry this me rambling to myself .. like tumblr is always a journal.

Sigh my mom said maybe just get a sports bra you like. Not all insurance will cover the surgery. And here in California it’ll be higher price cuz more people want it here. But since I don’t drive I’ll need a driver (and haven’t made friends here and it’s been year. Made few but they way older and idk it’s hard making friends.) She said too look at all the old lesbian they kept theirs and just wore sport bras. Like sure some did and then I added in my groups I’ve seen older people do the surgey and she said maybe so.

Like before she said chest or no chest she will love me but this talk today hurt. Just sucks I know it’s crazy expensive.. finding doctor .. finding way how I want them gone (and still have the nip.. don’t want to say it if tumblr takes this down.) .. just don’t know how to start .. especially cuz I don’t drive and she’s busy with her two jobs and I can’t even get one. Okay I pet sit but it’s not enough to cover it. Even her 2 jobs don’t cover our rent and I need job to help with that. + this surgery I want (top surgery).. and want to travel. But life sucks. It’s so expensive and won’t stop. Can’t even afford like Betterhelp so again here I ramble on tumblr sorry.

Andd on top of that watching the old YouTubers I use to watch (transgender guys) making me think all over again am I them? Cuz everything they say I relate . But I still think I am nonbinary too I think cuz I don’t want to be a guy but maybe I do cuz idk life is confusing.

And don’t get me started on being single. I know I know! The quotes are ‘wait and they will come when you least expect it.’ ‘You aren’t behind you are at the right time.’ ‘Everything happens for a reason.’ .. etc I know I’ve heard them all. But I just hate it. I just want the one person to travel with, share music with, love them, and do stuff with. The built in best friend / lover combo you know? But more and more I feel like it won’t happen for me. I’ve been around the sun 25 times .. 26 when June rolls around this year.. but just feels like it won’t happen. I suck at talking to new people.. and then on apps I try but then just get ghost. I know I’m still young I’ve heard that too. But it just feels like life is a loop ooh groundhog day is better term.. and nothing changes. I try I do but nothing happens.

Anyway sorry again for ramble this is just

post.. so if you wanted fandoms, music, books, quotes, or pretty sky photos (and other stuff I find to reblog) this is what I usually post. On occasion rambles/rants so sorry. Ignore and if you read this far .. wow I’m super sorry! It’s not exciting. Here have some …. 👇👇👇

[loser-brain]

This is a vent and rant post.

word length: 1029

My mother gave me a lecture earlier about life and how she's worried for me. How I don't have a job and I should get out there and live life and earn money... totally ignoring that my hands are fucked up.

Even when I told her that the doc I went to see to help fix my hands gave me the okay to keep doing art but to avoid repetitive work, such as factory work (which my mother wants me to do). You know what she told me, mind you, she NEVER met my doc.

Your doctor actually told me that you can work in factory work.

BITCH NO HE DID NOT. HE LITERALLY WANTS ME TO AVOID WORK because of how young I am. That is a concern to him that a young woman (at the time 19-20) was already showing signs of nerve damage in the hands. THAT'S BAD. LIKE REALLY BAD.

I'm still in pain and honestly, I've held my tongue because I have expressed that the pain is back and it hurts. And you wanna know what my mother told me when I mentioned that to her two years ago.

That's impossible, I literally paid a doctor to fix your hands. You're making it up because YOU don't want to work.

This isn't a surgeon doc this is more of a physical therapy professional. But still, he doesn't recommend me to get surgery because there is still a high chance that me going through all of that would be a waste because the pain would either linger like now or worse BECOME worse than it already is.

I've tried so hard to explain to her what my doctor has told me but no. She's a narcissist, very self-absorbed with herself (to the point she will not stop using HERSELF as an example), thinking having carpal tunnel is the same as what I'm experiencing (When really the doc and my other doc could not figure out what the fuck was wrong with my hands so they had to conclude that it was similar TO carpal tunnel and dominant hand injury (both of my hands hurt at the time now the pain had traveled to my arms. But like I said, I've sucked it up and bit my tongue because they, my family, will not listen to me anymore)).

You wanna know how this WHOLE conversation started...

I literally was just loud last night. Having a fun time with my friends and watching them play games, chatting with them, and also drawing art with them as well.

That is what started this conversation.

And here's the thing. Yeah, my art work scheduled is slow, but I'm not stopping. I'm constantly looking out for new ways to help my small shop to grow. Granted this year, was by far the slowest and not very motivating year. But I'm learning to grow. I'm finding out a schedule that works for me. and it's very frustrating that I have to explain myself that I am trying to be a freelancer. It really is.

Like I'm serious, when I say, I'm trying to work (such as making new designs or doing commissions) you wanna know what happens next... I get yelled at by my mother. Berated how I don't work and how I'm lazy.

It pisses me off it really does. AND it's upsetting. It hurts so damn much. Especially, if you have read my old rants about how I was treated like a punching bag. How I had to keep the house clean (I still do it) because it would look like a party took place because I'M HOME.

It hurts. It's upsetting. This isn't the first time she did this either. EVERY. TIME. I have fun with my friends online it's always, "oh? you have friends, You should go out more, get a job, oh my god are you sad, it must be lonely, you don't know how to take care of yourself—"

I MOVED TO A NEW STATE FOR COLLEGE. I TOOK CARE OF MYSELF WITH ROOMMATES. I HAD TO BE SMART AND FINANCE MY MONEY WISELY SUCH AS NOT BUYING LUXURY ITEMS EVERY DAY. I HAD TO WALK IN A DANGEROUS NEIGHBORHOOD JUST TO GET MORE ART SUPPLIES FOR MY CLASSES. I TAUGHT MYSELF HOW TO COOK. HOW TO CLEAN AND NOT MAKE MUSTER GAS ON ACCIDENT. I LEARNED SO MUCH IN COLLEGE THAN I WOULD HAVE EVER LEARNED AT HOME. BECAUSE SHE REFUSED TO TEACH ME HOW TO DO IT.

yeah, I can't drive a car... because ✨ trauma ✨ and yeah... I made a post about it too. You wanna know who gave me that trauma... my mother :')

And to conclude, that makes me laugh every time. I no longer go see a therapist because get closer... my problem is my environment and how it revolves around my mother. The problem is that my mother constantly meddled in my life the moment I START becoming an individual. Because she's slowly losing the one person in her life that would stick with her. So she wants to be seen as a savior because that is how she was with other people. She helps people, but when someone rejects her help she gets defensive... for no reason.

I love my mother, English is not her first language so of course we would be hitting some language barrier because she just doesn't understand a word. But I'm slow and have tried so many times to make her understand. I'm fine.

Arm wise, no I'm actually in pain typing all of this. Like it hurts like hell right now. But like, yeah, I'm fine, could be better, but at the same time, I'm making it work.

I've mellowed out now but man, I was really mad and upset that she just kept doing this every time I'm having a blast with my friends. Should I be more quiet, yes. Is it upsetting that she kept doing this, yeah, it really is. It hurts a lot.

Sorry for venting I need to get this out of my system because I know damn well this will not be the last.

[winderlylandchime]

1/2 And we are at 4x10, i should probably say that he did threaten with a lawsuit if the episode doesnt have Britin being cute/happy, he is literally one of us. HE SAW THE BEGINNING WHERE IT SHOWS A TINY PART OF BRIANS BED AND HEARD MOANS AND HE IMMEDIATELY WENT ‘it’s Brian! okaaaay, look at them having sexy time again. I am so fucking glad that Justin’s hair is growing back. (That surgery flashback happens) What just happened? Why did we go from soft to rough? Is he having surgery flashbacks? What’s going on? Did he lose his hard on? See, if the fucking Doctor didn’t get mad at me, i would’ve had ALL my questions answered but noooo, now I’m in the dark about my Bri Bri’s health. Oh i feel bad for Brian, this has to suck. But its okay Bri Bri. Things happen. If this was season 2, hed yell at Justin by now.’ And we are now at Emmett and Drew in the motel ‘what the fuck? How did we get here? DUDE…i think he’s not straight..(drew has his little internalized homophobia moment) um dude.. what the fuck? *deep manly voice* i throw ball far! I catch ball! I no gay, me straight! SPORTS *hits his chest* hetero bro!…dude, i think you need to look up the word straight. EMMETT YOU DESERVE BETTER CAUSE THIS IS BULLSHIT’ we are at Lindsay and Sam now ‘full offense but his art is not worth acting all *waves his hand at lindsay* whatever the hell that is. IS SHE JEALOUS THAT HE FLIRTED WITH A DIFFERENT WOMAN? Lindsay? What?’ And we are back at Brian ‘i missed this cute motherfucker *he is watching Brian at work like it’s the best thing ever* i need more of this. He is a beast at his work. No wonder he thinks he’s the shit. (Brian says that line about juggling balls and ted looks ready to tell jokes) THIS IS WHAT I WANTED! THIS! THEM! BEING BESTIES! *looks at me all worried* thats what the youth say nowadays right? Besties? I’m right, right? BRIAN LIKES TEDS SUIT! AND CONFIDENCE! Okay so brian and ted? New favorite duo! But also brian, ted and Cynthia? New favorite trio!’ Mikey and Justin are now on the screen and he is all excited ‘THIS IS ALSO NICE! Justin and Mike being best friends! FUCKING FINALLY! I knew Mike had some good in him. Finally he is done pissing me off. THEY HAVENT FUCKED SINCE THE SURGERY?! Theyre going to get HERBS?! FOR BRIAN? FOR SEX? not what i thought of when i said besties but okay?’ And now we are at Ben and his student scene ‘what the fuck is going on over here. Ben had potential in the beginning! What the fuck happened with him since then and what the fuck is this shit? OH THE GUY IS HITTING ON HIM! BEN WHAT THE FUCK’ and the Brian/Deb scene is about to happen ‘IS DEBBIE IGNORING BRIAN? Wait have they not even talked since vic died? DEB WHAT THE FUCK? Did you see how he looked after deb? He is SAD! Someone fix this because i cant handle him being sad (brian runs after deb) oh i guess Brian is gonna fix this. This is new. Deb he needs you. He needs a mom! Shit does jen know yet?! Look at him fixing his messes. MY BABY IS GROWING UP! (Brian tells deb) HOLY FUCKING SHIT. *he literally teared up at Deb being all mom to brian and when she like buttons up his jacket* I hate that the only time he has a mom is when horrible shit happens. He needs someone to look after him as much as he looks after them. Also why is this literally me if i was around Brian? WHY ARE WE ASKING ABOUT HIS MOTHER? FUCK HIS MOM. She doesnt deserve to know! (Deb hugs brian and he once again tears up) yes he will be okay! Finally someone is hugging him!’ ‘Wait Emmett is going to get Drew a job? He was all im hetero not gay and being a bitch about it and he’s helping him? Emmett, no. You deserve better’ mikey and justin scene is up!! ‘Look at the new besties! If you told season 1 Michael that he’d be HELPING Justin fuck Brian, he’d have a stroke. *he is absolutely dying out of laughter at the china store scene* what are they saying? Remember when that one time, i accidentally put Chinese subtitles and thought i spoke Chinese?’ ‘BRIAN! Dont you worry! Blondie is on his way with boner herbs!’

I should probably say that he did threaten with a lawsuit if the episode doesnt have Britin being cute/happy, he is literally one of us. HE IS ONE OF US. I seriously love the idea of bringing a lawsuit against CowLip for emotional pain and suffering.

I am so fucking glad that Justin’s hair is growing back. <- One of us!

If this was season 2, hed yell at Justin by now. GROWTH! (only to have it ripped away in S5)

OUR BABY IS GROWING UP

Joan doesn’t deserve to know.

And Emmett does deserve better. (Sorry Drew)

OH MY GOD even I remember when he put on Chinese subtitles and thought he spoke Chinese. I’m one of your family now. And yes, if you had told Justin and Mikey they would be collaborating to help Justin fuck Brian in s1 or s3… strokes would be had.

[sluntch]

A Simpler Day, a Simpler Week - A Writing Experiment - Day 6

Ayo. Welcome to day 6 of me writing something every day. This one is pretty short and sweet, but here we go anyway.

So, in the last post, I mentioned injuring my ankle through overuse on a Friday, taking a 2:30 AM ER trip on Saturday and getting home around 7:30 AM the same day. Since then, I've been keeping off the ankle and wearing a boot to keep it from moving around on me. This means I can't really drive anywhere, can't go up and down stairs very easily (which is fairly comical given how many flights of stairs are in the duplex I live in), and can't workout during the week. Abbey is also on a business trip for the week so I'm alone for the time being. Turns out you really miss the extra caloric room built into the day from just a workout. Today I went over the limit into equilibrium territory to get rid of some leftovers that needed to be eaten. In that same vein, I also miss Abbey as, not only is it fairly lonely without her (though I can cope with help from Dil and the lads, especially during the day or in discord) but also that she helps eat some extra lefties that need to be eaten when she takes them for lunch and I don't have to be responsible for everything in the fridge. I suppose that's the tradeoff for only doing cooking up to this point to be specifically having two portions for dinner and then having some lefties ready for the rest of the week. I suppose the bonus was that the grocery bill was much this week as I'm only cooking twice (to stay off the foot) and only for myself.

Last night I made a creamy tomato-base soup and added cubed tofu to it. We usually have it with tortellini, but I wanted to try and make it a bit lower-calorie and use one of the two packs of tofu I had gotten for the week. to go under it, I oven-roasted some broccoli and sweet potatoes, a go-to vegetable in our apartment as they 1). are delicious and 2). make a bunch. They go really far into the week and are great as impromptu veggies for meals, should I not have another one, and are great on the salads (I call them "Big Salad" because they are colossal and delicious) I sometimes make for lunch throughout the week. I invited Dil over to partake for some company and to just chill. It was super fun. We watched the first episode of Arcane again, semi-preparing for season 2 of that, and the first two episodes of the newest season of Jujutsu Kaisen, which he is binging to catch up to as I write this. The week is, about as much as it can be, off to a rip-roaring start. I just need this ankle to cut it out and we'll be ok. But now my right knee started kind of hurting too, so I'm worried this might be going a bit deeper than I previously thought. That or I'm still somehow using the leg too much. Time will tell, I suppose.

Second-to-last thing for this entry: I start with a new therapist tomorrow. The therapy office I was going to had a change in how they can bill my insurance and the therapist I was working with at the time was one of the ones that wouldn't be covered. Our jobs are paying a bit better now but we're trying to buy a house and possibly have a kid within the next 3 or 4 years so every penny we can save is important. So I opted to get transferred to a new therapist that would be covered. It sucks to have to start over entirely but I was only about 5 sessions in with the initial therapist, so it's not like there was a years-long connection being severed. I still liked her a lot, though, and I had made some really good progress even in that short time. We'll see how this shakes out.

Last thing, short and sweet: I'm really nervous and scared that the endocrinology visit won't be able to be moved up before 11/29 and it'll take till even longer after that to get the surgery scheduled. I feel more and more like I'm just deteriorating or wasting away. This ankle thing is really rough and with another several months to wait to get this stuff treated I'm genuinely frightened of how bad it may get. I've got patience but I don't know how much is left.

60 days to go.