#too many. i still dont think id be happy w/that. and half of them didnt really stick around. so its not even accurate in ur family.

[inkats]

im goinga to aill myself.

[andromerot]

my pedro almodóvar marathon. thoughts, feelings, tier list

or, i spent like 50 hours on this so i better get to post about it

well, i'd be lying if i said i set out to do this with any clear goals in mind. i sort of just wanted to watch movies. this year i set out to watch through a couple of directors entire works, but ran into complications or got bored. so anyway when i finished my term i decided id try a third time with my best friend pedro. i had watched five of his films already but was mostly unaware of other things he had made. on the 22nd of november i started with matador, then went on and in exactly a month i had watched all of his feature films yayyy

so this is how i ranked them on letterboxd and this is a tier list. this doesnt really sum up my thoughts though so im leaving a little review for each below the cut, in the order i watched them in this month hope someone cares :) thank you

matador (1986): ohhhhhh my god. absolutely unexpected how insane this movie made me. many people say its not very good, i dont think that's true. transgressive, erotic, camp, necrosexual, implicit faggot tension, beautiful costuming, insanely talented cast of so many characters sick in the head. watching this one first really hyped me up to keep at it and to close out the month i rewatched it the other day and though it was less surprising than the first time i watched it its maybe my favorite now :) it has structural flaws i suppose. but i love it

¿que he hecho yo para merecer esto? (1984): pretty funny! not bad at all, i remember enjoying it as i watched it, it just wasnt very memorable. i enjoy every performance by carmen maura, chus was stellar as always and forqué was really sweet in this one too, i liked it. i literally forgot half of the plot though. did anyone remember the telepathic child or the faked hitler diaries? i didnt until i looked it up.

la ley del deseo (1987) (rewatched): showed this one to my friend, god its iconic. some of my favorite chiques almodovar. so fun to watch and so silly even though its not quite a comedy. the fact that antonio is just called antonio in this one makes me unwarrantedly happy. MAURA THE WOMAN THAT YOU ARE!! very hot all around. i think i liked it better this time than the other two i had watched it.

pepi, luci, bom y otras chicas del montón (1980): everyone talks about how sexually transgressive 80s almodovar is and i was like yeah whatever until i watched this one. straight up trilogy of trash shit. so beautiful. i wish every movie was like this. no one likes it but i adored it. erecciones generales will stay in my mind forever and i loved the musical numbers. and the piss, of course.

entre tinieblas (1983): also somewhat forgettable, though i watched it while pretty worried about something else so maybe i didnt give it the attention it deserved. its not a bad time but i wouldn't rewatch it. based on the premise you think it'd be better.

la flor de mi secreto (1995) (rewatched): OH GOD. until last month my favorite almodóvar, its been outdone but it still destroys me. its terribly underrated. i dont even know what i can say about it... marisa paredes is stunning at doing desperation. the boots, the scene at the protest, the initial meeting with ángel, the poem in the car, that moment in the hall. it's beautiful and breathtaking. lesbian film history, i promise.

todo sobre mi madre (1999): like, its good, but i dont get what people see in it that makes it so acclaimed. again paredes is great in this, but penélope is somewhat tame compared to what she does later, and this is the point in the list where i have to admit cecilia roth is not very good to me and all my compatriots start throwing rocks at me. listen i just wish she'd stop doing that stupid accent its so fucking bad cecilia sincerate seguro sos de villa crespo. anyway its fine if a bit weird about trans women, but hes always a hit or miss w that

átame (1989): took a big break between the last one and this one for some reason. anyway, pretty funny, except it really drags in the middle. shouldnt have been that long, but victoria abril always slays and the last scene is wonderful.

tacones lejanos (1991): WOAHHHHH! really cool i liked it. i love a mother daughter thing especially this mother and this daughter. really fun doppelganger story and i love how it was told, i found it both melodramatic and subtle? miguel bosé makes a really pretty girl, this will inform my every subsequent rewatch of suspiria. big fan of his gender. dance number fucked obvs

kika (1993) (rewatch): ok, i know why people don't like this one, but its so silly... cmon. it sillay. once again incredible abril performance, the costuming my god.... her character makes the whole movie i wish i was her. lesbian rossy de palma was wonderful and every forqué performance is a delight. pedro getting hitchcockian with it to slightly trick the audience is a staple of his 90s filmography, fucks.

carne trémula (1997): the title made me think it would be better! there was barely any carne. i didn't really see the point of most of it tbh, though based on how the movie starts and ends there might be some spanish historical context that im missing that makes it more interesting. strangely reminiscing of the buenos aires affair to me, but puig is better. yeah it was just pretty boring.

laberinto de pasiones (1982): YAYYYYYY i had some trouble torrenting so i watched it really out of order this but its SO FUN. obviously in the same vein as pepi luci bom but i liked it slightly more just for how unnecessarily elaborate it was. the one major role i dont mind roth being in and im a big fan of antonios gay terrorist with an ultradeveloped sense of smell character and arias is really into his very silly character too – he works well in secreto as well, i wish hed been on more almodovares, i should finally watch camila. liné was hilarious too. the problematic incest storyline was really funny to me sorryyyyy and i got a lot of gender out of the musical performances. hey can you believe that beautiful fag covered in blood is a franquista now. i can

hable con ella (2002): ehhhhhhh. some people really hate this one for the couple scenes i found most interesting, others love it for reasons i cant parse. its got parts that caught my attention a lot, but mostly it was eerie in an unenjoyable and uninteresting way and the backstories dragged on too long, especially grandinetti's. like i just don't care sorry. THE scene is quite disturbing though. i appreciated he decided to show rape in a more subtle light for once, it made it a lot more cruel and a lot more interesting.

la mala educación (2004) (rewatch): sighhhh. i really wish i liked this one. its got so many elements i am into – the colours are obviously spectacular, the unreliable multiple narrations and the disassembled timelines are always enjoyable to me, the attempt at social commentary is appreciated, some scenes are stunning (fictional ignacios head split in half is unforgettable) but quite honestly the characterization is so bad it bores me. i liked it more the first time i watched it just because of how confused i was, once i wasnt it lost its magic. maybe the worst in what is considered the "somewhat autobiographical movies about directors" trilogy (i think there's four of them but we'll discuss that later) probably because the character of enrique is so bland. i know its more but it feels that you only spend like five minutes with him. ángel/juan's motivations for anything are so puzzling, ignacio is just a caricature at this point and probably the character with the most depth is berenguer, which is ironic, i guess

volver (2006): WAHHH. its hard to talk about it honestly. it was so unexpectedly beautiful. the acting is so on point – penélope cruz and that beautiful carmen maura comeback are self evident, but blanca portillo is also stellar. it was fascinating from minute one and i couldnt keep my eyes off it. its written with such care and love. i suppose the plot itself is nothing out of this world, but the way it is handled is explosive. i really adored it.

los abrazos rotos (2009): the fourth bastard on the self insert series! cmon, its way more about himself than la mala educación. anyway, its good at some points, not very in others. the strong point is obviously the relationship between mateo, judit and diego, their refusal to be tied as a family and their desire to be tied by love is reaaaally interesting. the scene at the sea... but penélope and her millionaire and her millionaires son do nothing interesting at any point, im afraid to say. sad! surprisingly not very memorable, even though i didnt dislike it as i watched it. like i remember i liked some things but if a couple weeks later i dont remember what they were its probably the movies fault

la piel que habito (2011): AUGHHH OK. fuck. THIS ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD. it wasnt it was really mid. when it started i was like oh is pedro trying out his hand at cronenberg and i was really excited because im SURE he can do cronenberg better than cronenberg but he didnt. it was worse. how are you giving your women less agency than that guy??? honestly probably the first ever film of his where this is a noticeable problem, though penélope in the last one should give us a hint. ughh it should have been good. im mad about that. no desire to question gender or power and the unchronological storytelling does nothing for me. BAD! if anything i recognized its sexual power for if banderas character was a woman i would be throwing up and convulsing on the floor. i hope vicente and his lesbian coworker had a beautiful romance i guess. i cant believe some people call this one one of the most controversial of his work....

los amantes pasajeros (2013): hm well everyone was like THIS is the bad one and i was like i bet you guys are just being mean but no yeah this is the bad one. its not funny and it drags on so long...i can usually defend the rape scenes in his movies, even in kika or hable con ella, but this one just sucks so bad. i was prepared to defend this movie but i cant. as soon as the movie started i was trying to guess where all the threads would connect, how all the characters would be linked and they mostly... weren't? also the reference to the gazpacho scene in mujeres made me groan out loud.

julieta (2016): well i dont really know what this was supposed to be....it feels on the surface it could have been really good but something about it felt so emotionless. it was an odd experience, watching it, because i expected to be moved by so many scenes and i never was. i dont know what the point of it was.

dolor y gloria (2019): ok yeah this one was sweet! didn't blow my mind or anything but it was very cleverly made...a really more beautiful way to do the childhood-as-movie thing than in mala educación, i really enjoyed it. nostalgia bores me sometimes but i feel hes not being annoying about it. long live old man yaoi (and finally an argentinian actor i DONT hate...) and that beautiful beautiful cave and that mind gripping apartment bringing in the characteristic insane set design but in a new way...i had a good time

madres paralelas (2021): oh this could have been so good! it wasnt but honestly i dont remember exactly why i disliked it. i suppose i didnt connect to the characters and that it is a story that requires that to engage you – their motivations were really out of place and unlike other movies that bothered me. really interesting premise, didnt work out. im sad about it. could have been cool.

yeah so that's it i only realized while writing this that i forgot to rewatch mujeres but obvs that ones very good, proper classic, quote it every time i eat gazpacho and such. also extraña forma de vida is a snore i refuse to watch it again. i hope this works as a rec list for someone. and i am ready to be stoned by my wrong opinions by the rest of you

[yyxgin]

no bar!! never fret about replying late. i know what it’s like to not want to talk to anyone. honestly. i won’t call it (my experience) a depressive episode bc one of my friends used to brush off me when i was saying things like i’m depressed and say ‘sad’ instead. like if i were to say ‘that made me/i am depressed’ she’d say something like ‘oh god same! like if it’s making you sad,, don’t do it.’ which is a v poor example of what she did but i never called it depressed after that bc she pissed me off n was disregarding of my feelings (even though she’s incredibly anxious herself) bc i didn’t get it officially diagnosed. idk if you’ve ever read about birth control pills but i always read on tumblr people calling them literal depression pills and i ignored it, thinking either 1) people were being dramatic / were over-dramatising it or 2) it wouldn’t happen to me anyway. it fucking happened and they were not being dramatic. i was never happy n always working on minimal sleep n making self depreciating jokes all the time bc it was the only way i could cope with my thoughts n constant mood swings. so what i’m trying to say is,, i know how it feels. if that’s any consolation. it’s not me trying to be ‘oh me too!’ or ‘mine was worse than you’ it’s just me being understanding n telling you it’s okay. also lemme at your friends!! i’ll stomp them out n get the barman to run them over for you!! they’re so mean to forget you!! i find that deciding i want to do something specific n then asking the appropriate people if they want to do saïd thing/place works for me. it can be a simple ‘we should do this, when are you free?’ helps. making it known that you want to do things helps. or aggressively remind them that it’s nice to be asked bc it means they thought of you even if you couldn’t go n tried to include you. or we can revisit me stomping them out w my beloved barman,,, whatever works best for you my dear <3

admittedly me and one of the girls were discussing that we are going to miss our manager. even though literally everyone moaned about her (i feel like it’s impossible to avoid in literally any job/situation) she did have her moments and she did a lot for the staff like after work-drinks, asking the chefs if we could order off of the customer menu instead of the staff menu or whatever they cook in bulk for everyone to take home in the evening. apparently she did this a lot more than the previous manager. she has a good heart but sometimes she ignored some of the girls when we ask for days off or our availability for the week which was very annoying of her. it could’ve been a lot worse, i suppose, but overall she wasn’t terrible.

thé lady who lives in my town and drops me given the chance, told me the other night that she used to be the duty manager. i asked her why she stopped and she explained that when they furloughed everyone they asked her to come back on like half pay or something? idk i just remember it being explained as they wanted her to come back sooner and take away her furlough so she said no and got demoted. but somehow she still gets some of the furlough? idk i have been taught that asking how much or discussing specifics of paychecks kind of thing is rude, growing up. she has been telling me they keep asking her to come back (now they’re asking her to be a supervisor since she declined the manager role) and she keeps saying no. i love her and want the best for her so i won’t say anything to anyone about the conversations me and her have had (i mean, apart from maybe my mum if i can remember, and you bc, let’s be real, you don’t know me and idk you) and she says they’re just difficult to work with as a management team. she even said our area manager isn’t impressed with our current assistant manager (who is currently the only person on an houred contract since our manager left) which shocked me since i personally think he is quite good considering he has a good relationship with the staff and kitchen (he’s thai so he can communicate with the kitchen better than most of the wait staff (some wait staff are thai but mostly not)) i think she doesn’t want to be the eldest person in management or she doesn’t want the age gap to be so big since she has a kid she can lecture at home, she doesn’t need to be looking after people at work, y’know?

also today, me and one of the girls were upstairs (two floors of the restaurant!) and it’s nearing 11pm and her brother (who also works there) comes up and asks us when we’re finishing (mostly her lol) but we had two tables just sitting talking amongst themselves so she just said idk. he was saying he wanted to go bc he’s tired etc n he’s driving n she was like it’s fine go home i’ll call an uber or something n he was refusing to leave her behind. (i feel like i brushed over the two tables sitting there but it must be noted they’re the only tables left in the entire restaurant and we were the only two wait staff still there, apart from her brother but he changed and was waiting downstairs). anyway, she was sweeping (i was cleaning the booth/sofa thingy chairs as it was a mundane task we could do to pass time and while she was sweeping by one of the tables thé boyfriend was whispering to his girlfriend saying ‘should we go?’ and the girlfriend said ‘why should i care?’ and the girl came over to tell me v quietly and i got so upset for her. bc she is literally the sweetest person on the earth and the only reason i didn’t go to ask the manager to see if i could go home with the lady who offers to take me (ex-duty manager lady!) was so she wasn’t alone up there. if i had been the one sweeping near that table i would’ve snapped so fucking hard at them. i mean, we’re 18 and have lives and sleep schedules, and we’re working until 11pm on a thursday before we even get home?? like i wouldn’t have minded staying if they were reasonable tables but after the gf said that i was like ‘shall i go get our stuff from the staff room?’ so i could split as fast as possible. in the end the temporary acting manager came up and told us we could finish and she kicked the tables out ten minutes later. i told her what the table saïd and she thought that was mean and unnecessary too. i was also worried about my sleep tonight since i have my first vaccine tomorrow morning. that’s why i was more pressed about what time i left work today. oh well.

im sorry for talking so much about work! sometimes i don’t have someone to talk to about it (at home) bc of my weird hours and sometimes i don’t like re-explaining things to my mum if she doesn’t get it the first seven times. sometimes it’s just a little too draining as she doesn’t understand since she’s a lifer at her job. it’s easier to explain to my dad but then i get a whole lecture on something that i ultimately have no control over n id rather just bitch w the girls at work but the problem is WE’RE AT WORK!!!

also i booked for my first tattoo!! i’m excited. it’s for next week,, which was super quick considering i was expecting to have to wait soooo much longer. i’ve been telling people about it and that it’s happening but i haven’t had the pleasure of telling people exactly where i got the idea from. bar, my dear, you know wheein’s new album, redd? well, it comes with loads of things, including these stickers (one for each song) and the one from springtime was just so perfect and when i saw it my first thought was, this would be a perfect tattoo. and so i am having it tattooed on my body. a subtle nod to kpop whilst also having something meaningful on my body. i also have just decided i want a small, minimalistic (or one-line art) rose on my sternum, kind of in the valley of my breasts, bc my nan was a rose. i like having her close to me. i recently got her necklace fixed which has left me feeling so incomplete after it broke in august last year. it’s been almost ten years and i think i’m long overdue something to remind me of her. i fiddle with my necklace when i’m nervous which is why i love it so much but incase it breaks again (i pray it doesn’t but i have a long life ahead of me) i would like her close still.

gosh there’s never enough space in my head to remember what i want to tell you so i’ll stop here for now since i should sleep to be able to wake up in time for my first jab. i’m scared but it’s whatever i’ll do it i suppose,, eeek 😨

ilyl ~ 🌻

thank you so much for opening up to me about this, it means a lot to me :( i am so sorry you had to go through this and honestly,, i really resonate with you. i feel like when i talk about my emotions and my sadness (dont know if its okay to call it depression either but yea), my friend either always either makes me feel like my emotions arent valid or she tells me she doesnt know how to help, which is frankly, why i dont talk about my emotions to people irl anymore. i dont open up and it takes me a long long time to do so if i ever do, because i tend to feel insecure/not safe :D so really, thank you for telling me and i hope you are doing better. your emotions are valid and i am always here for you 

HAHAHA i mean i dont have many friends so theres not many to stomp on:( but i mean,, i get passive aggressive when i feel forgotten/left out so you best believe i told my friend how im feeling, but like uhhh it didnt do much. i spent the whole weekend at work and i was free on friday but my friend decided to ditch me and yeah. i havent been out in like two weeks now and i mean i am an introvert so i dont mind that much but even i want to socialise sometimes

aah i mean every manager has their flaws, no one’s perfect. my manager keeps calling me to go to work even though i was literally there for 11 hours on saturday AND sunday which means i worked for 20 hours in two days. and i work 20 hours a week at max. and i already worked some hours before the weekend so i think i have like 30 hours now and she keeps calling??? dude i need a break too,,i am so exhausted and tired of this shit :dd

oh i totally get what the lady that drops you off sometimes told you. i would feel a little iffy if i heard it too, but like,,,judge by your own experiences!! if you feel like something is off, you can always leave,, so i wouldn’t be so stressed about it.

why are people so rude ??? dude,,you should care, because we are all human. everyone has their needs and their lives and i bet he wouldnt like it if he was the one in your place. why should you stay there longer just because he didnt want to leave?? that was so unnecessary. people are weird beings and i learnt that after working with them this weekend,,,like i litereally got screamed at because i couldnt accept cash in different currency. like,,what tf do you want me to do?? i dont have every single currency with me so i could give u the change ?? tf ??

ALSO ITS OKAY TALK ABOUT YOUR WORK HOWEVER MUCH YOU WANT !!!! i also feel like i dont have anyone to talk to about work bc my parents dont listen to me as much as they used to these days and my friend unsurprisingly just doesnt care bc she doesnt work,, and i dont wanna talk to my internet friends abt it as much bc i feel annoying so i am glad us two can talk about these things together !!!! 

YOUR FIRST TATTOOOO WHOAAAH thats so cool. i love tattoos hihi dfkja idk if u already had the appointment but tell me how it went after !! i wasnt able to find the sticker on the internet but im sure it looks hella pretty. also i love how it reminds you both of kpop and your grandma, its wonderful <3 i really want to get a tattoo one day,, and i also want something meaningful (not that i am hating on people that tattoo themselves just for fun and have no meaning behind their tattoos i just have commitment issues so i want something long lasting). alSO my crush (yes i have a crush now ew) has a tattoo and it looks like satan lowkey,,but apparently its a japanese something (i forgot the word oopsies) and it means jealousy, bad past and wisdom ?? i was like BOY IF U DONT??? fjdkla he has blue hair btw i am very much whipped but he also doesnt know me and i am older than him so this is embarrassing

ALSO I HOPE YOURE FEELING WELL AFTER GETTING THE VACCINE !!! 

ily <333

[vasiliassuns]

thistle gimme the tea on ruby

♥ oh gods, you really just love getting me on the analysis trains, hm ?

♥ ( note ; do not read this post if you absolutely love ruby with all of your heart and believe she is 100% innocent , to each their own , these are just my own personal opinions and im not trying to offend anybody ) 

♥ warning ! this post is very long, and essentially turned into a character analysis of specific moments and nearly an entire volume largely based off of how i see the show. it is multiple paragraphs long, standing at exactly 3444 words exactly. there will be a tl;dr at the end for anybody who doesnt want to read the full post, or has trouble focusing ! thank you for understanding. 

-----------------------

♥ where do i start ? personally, ruby’s character really got it’s worst in volume 7. i really enjoyed her character pre - fall of beacon, and a decent amount in volumes 4 - 6 as well. there is a moment in volume 4 that make me let out a long sigh, as well as a singular moment in volume 5 that greatly confuses me on her character, so i will touch up on that as well.

♥ volume 7 is what kills my love for her character, in all honest, as well as some moments in volume 6 that i feel could have been written better. i’ll go in chronological order for this, starting with my “:///” towards a part in volume 4, then confusion of a scene in volume 5, then the slight issues that developed with her in volume 6, then moving on to volume 7 and how im no longer really enjoying her character

♥ so, in volume 4, its very common knowledge that tyrian was sent to attack and retrieve ruby to bring back to salem, due to her having silver eyes and the damage she cause salems fall maiden. when qrow shows up to save ruby at the perfect last second, he adamantly tells her and the rest of team rnjr to stay out of the fight. at first, ren and nora dont listen, but then do, which is fair. but ruby continued to push her helping qrow. as we all know now, qrow was telling her to stay back due to his semblance. while, yes, ruby did help qrow against tyrian with a couple of the blows, the fight would have gone much different should she have not interfered (personally, i feel like qrow would have had a shot at beating tyrian, especially because their auras were both flickering and they seemed very evenly matched). but due to her constant interference, she nearly got knocked out by a large wooden beam, had qrow not sliced it in half. she wound up (even if it was accidentally) distracting qrow, giving tyrian the opportunity to nearly poison him. i dont hate her for wanting to help in this scene, because its her uncle who she cares about, but i feel like she also should have trusted qrow and stayed out of the fight. the line “this is my fight too” also gets me. maam, this isnt your fight, the fight is about you, but doesnt need to physically involve you.

♥ with volume 5. its a very well known scene, at least in my opinion. when weiss got impaled by none other than cinder fucking fall. within the few episode long battle for haven, we did see ruby’s eyes activate once when jaune and cinder were running / flying at each other to fight. i do understand why her eyes activated there, because jaune is her first friend from beacon that wasn’t her sister, arguably one of her closest. what i dont understand is why ruby’s eyes didnt activate when she saw that cinder had impaled weiss with the spear, weiss sitting in the same position ruby last saw pyrrha in, weiss an inch from death. it just doesnt add up to me how her teammate and partner, somebody who’s saved her multiple times and shes saved multiple times. it may be that she was too stressed in the moment for them to properly activate, which we’ve seen ( in volume 7 ), but i still feel like something should have happened with her eyes. 

♥ continuing on with volume 6, i really didnt have many issues with her character here either, but a few of her lines / moments kinda made me go “:/ bruh why tho” closer to the end of this volume. it’s really only two quotes of her’s that get me, which is “Just because you don't have an idea, doesn't mean we're out of options! Oz hasn't been here to tell us what to do, but we still managed to get this far anyway. We've been in bad situations before, and we don't need an adult to come save us or tell us what to do. We just did it our way! And I say we do it our way. And if you think you can keep up with us "kids"... we'd be happy to have you.” from the episode ‘lost’. i partially understand what she’s saying here, but at the same time, she says this to qrow, who saved her life on multiple occasions, and who wanted to get to atlas without breaking any laws. the way she said it (nothing against lindsay, she is an amazing and very talented voice actress, and she delivers nearly all of rubys lines perfectly, but imagine as if this was a real person we knew), kind of seemed decently rude to me. i understand that she knows they need to get to atlas, because james can help them (ill bring this back up later, trust me), and shes clearly not afraid to break the law that involves james’ military to get to him. 

♥ the second thing in volume 6 about ruby that semi-upsets me / makes me go “:/” is in the episode seeing red, when she was talking to cordovin, she said “ We're going to Atlas. Bigger people than you have tried to stop us and failed, but we're supposed to be on the same side! We're supposed to use our power to protect people, but you just use yours to look down on everyone! We didn't want to steal from you. We did it because you gave us no other choice! Now I'm giving you one last chance to stand down and hear us out.” this semi-upsets me mostly because of the line “bigger people than you have tried to stop us and failed”, as well as “we did it because you gave us no other choice.”. the “bigger people than you” gets me because while, yes, in the grand scheme of things within the war against salem, cordovin is a small footnote within it, the only other people who physically tried to stop team rwby was roman (who sadly was eaten by grimm due to his negative emotions with flocks of grimm around, not because of ruby), cinder’s miniature faction (who only partially failed. as much as i hate cinders character, she didnt fully fail in stopping rwby, she just was forced to step back for a while...multiple times.), and tyrian with rnjr. roman didnt inherently fail, he just chose to walk away from the fights hed been having with team rwby in order to devise a new plan to beat them the next time. cinder’s faction only partially failed because ruby managed to get on top of beacon tower in volume 3 with weiss’ help, watching pyrrha pass away thus activating her silver eyes for the first time. the only reason tyrian failed to stop rnjr was because qrow was there to help, and ruby managed to get an opening to slice his tail in half (which. ew that shot looked disgusting). yes, bigger people have tried to stop her and her friends, but they didnt inherently fail, at least not yet. with the line “we did it because you gave no other choice!” mostly just confuses me. while yes, technically cordovin didnt really give any options for the group, it didnt automatically mean that they had to instantly resort to stealing from the military. 

♥ now ! onto volume 7, where my salt really starts. because i have a growing icky feeling about her character in volume 7, im going to split this next bit up into three parts. the first part being the first 4 episodes, the second being episodes 5-9 and the third and final being episodes 10-13. buckle up!

♥ episode 1, i really have nothing against ruby. she has the same attitude she did in volume 6 and before, which is a mixture of pure but also wanting to stop salem.

♥ its episode 2 that starts to get me. as i mentioned earlier, ruby knows they have to get to atlas because they know james can help them, and that the lamp is safer if its locked away in the vault, but then she suddenly doesnt trust james. i dont know if this is because the ace-operatives arresting them, but in that situation, james also couldnt have known who the unlicensed huntsmen were. as seen by his and winter’s reactions to the soliders bringing rwby+jnr+oscar & qrow in, they instantly tell them to let the 9 go, because james and winter personally know them and know they would never attack people. so, i dont really know why ruby would stop trusting the idea that james could help them because of that. it may also be the fact that ruby doesnt like the idea that james was planning on telling the people of atlas and mantle about salem (which, honestly? to me? this decision seems fully rash and makes a lot of sense.), but even then, if the students at the vytal festival knew about salem, or the world did, it may have proven to be more beneficial to them, because the more people that knew she existed, the more people who can fight her or the more people that can support those who are fighting her on the front lines, so ruby no longer trusting him over that doesnt make sense to me either. ruby’s sudden distrust of james upsets me quite a bit, because she and the team shed been traveling with had learned ozpin was hiding things from them (my feelings on this is a whole different post, but not necessarily a negative one), and was very upset about that. really, her openly lying to james about not knowing why ozpin had disappeared / locked himself away in oscars mind, as well as the amount of questions jinn has left, really ticks me off. they spent the entirety of volume 6 trying to get to atlas and to james because they needed his help, and once they finally got there, in front of the man himself, she lied. she became the exact same thing that she and her group had openly not liked what so ever, which was a blatant liar. id understand if ruby said that jinn had one more question left, to see how james would react, and tell him of salem’s immortality at a slightly later date, when they got into the rhythm of being around each other and working as a team against salem, but just blatantly lying, without consulting her team prior, to the man who could in all honesty make or break how they fought this war, was plain wrong.

♥ in episode 3, ruby was mostly back to who she had been prior to this entire mess. she explains why theyre hiding stuff from james, albeit in the vaguest way possible (weiss and blake explain the thinking behind it more than she does, honestly). we also see the beginning of a conversation between ruby and oscar about them lying to james. though, with the lying situation and who she was turning into, this is really all for this episode.

♥ in episode 4, the largest scene we see with ruby openly talking about her distrust for james is her conversation with qrow. she says “I'm trying to do what I think is best, but I really can't tell if what's best is what's right. Or if I'm no different from Oz.“, which at this point, shes nothing like ozpin. shes worse. ozpin was hiding the truth about salem due to the trauma connected to her and the fact of her immortality that the ozma line of reincarnations had, which isnt entirely a bad thing. should he have tried to find a way to tell them she was immortal without disclosing his own personal traumas? absolutely, i dont disagree that he hadnt made brash decisions, that should have been made differently, but the sad truth is, is that ozpin chose to hide what he hid, but that one mistake (albeit, a large one) doesnt entirely make him a terrible person. ruby, however? her choice on telling james wasnt brash, it was blatantly impetuous. she barely thought and decided to lie on the spot, unless shed purposefully been internally planning for a long while to lie to him, and had a lie stored up to use should he have asked. that isnt okay, what so ever. the conversation ruby had with qrow eventually delvs into talking about summer, which isnt really important.

♥ when thinking about episodes 5 through 8, nothing particularly stands out to me as ruby blatantly lying. those episodes are mostly team rwby and jnr doing huntsman work, yang making a terrible decision and making blake talk for her, and r/enora turning into something i honestly really hate. episode 9 however, gets me thinking.

♥ in episode 9, the finally tell james that salem cant be killed, but ruby doesnt tell james, oscar does. a quick side note, i really like the fact that crwby had oscar tell james and not ruby, because oscar is the current (and hopefully final) reincarnation of ozma, and its a secret his past lives kept for a millennia. but! back to ruby. within this episode, before she decides they can finally tell james about salem (which, as you can tell, i believe they should have done instantly), ruby is preaching to james about how they can figure it out and that how they should all work together. this pisses me off because shes standing there, hiding one of the largest, if not the largest secret in the show, to a man who has done everything for her and her team. james trusted rwby, especially ruby, with everything he knew, gave them new weapons, clothes, a place to stay, food, etc. all for free because he trusted they wouldnt hide anything from them. another thing that gets me about ruby saying it was finally time to tell james, was that it seemed solely up to her to tell him or to chose when to tell him. it was up to the technically youngest in the group to chose when to tell james about salems immortality (i say technically, because oscar is the current reincarnation of a millennia old line, and i personally have seen him be wiser than ruby in this, weather hes more mature than her or not. physically, yes, oscar is the youngest. mentally? i really dont think hes the youngest in that regard). it doesnt make sense to me as to why everybody was trusting ruby with when to tell james. why wouldnt qrow tell him? qrows known james for years, weather they were close friends (that hug and sincerity tells me that they arent the bickering work partners v3 shaped them up to be) or not. qrow knows he can trust james because simply of how long theyve known each other. weiss knows she can trust james, hes been seen multiple times in the show defending her against jacques, even offering her a place at atlas academy (that bit to me seemed like james offering weiss a way to get away from jacques, because she would need to live at atlas to properly be a student, not the manor), he even said “shes the only one making any sense around here” after weiss got rightfully upset at the woman talking beacon down in volume 4. oscar knows he can trust james, simply because of his connection to ozpin. seeing as ozpin can access oscars memories, and its cannon that their memories merge, its safe to say that oscar was able to see who james used to be pre-fall of beacon, and to see the kind of man he was, as well as making his own judgement based on their first introduction together. so, why would these three, and the rest of the team traveling with ruby not tell james the truth? hell, qrow is a mother fucking spy. im pretty sure he would be able to tear james apart and figure out his intentions pretty easily. why couldnt qrow have just had a one on one conversation with james to make his own final call, as the fully fledged adult of the group? it doesnt make sense to me why they would trust ruby with this extremely important decision what so ever. 

♥ episode 10, there really isnt anything i have against ruby. shes fighting to protect mantle and is doing her current job, which is one of the few details i can appreciate, but thats about it. 

♥ episode 11 and 12 specifically piss me off, and not just about ruby, about nearly everybody involved. i understand rubys standing in this, saying that they need to stand their ground and fight salem head on, unlike they had in the past, i honestly probably would have said the same thing if i were her too. james had emotionally shut down at this point, i think that this is very clearly evident, especially seeing as the white sparkles in his eyes have dissipated, something we commonly see in the eyes of rwby characters to represent their humanity or emotional status. james is emotionally shut down, the ace-operatives have their own opinions on this situation which is entirely okay and valid, and they happen to be siding with james. blake is trying to take the calmer approach, most likely having noticed that if they lashed out like yang began to, it would go very bad very quick. weiss was in a state of semi-shock, her mind most likely naturally connecting their current situation with trauma and abuse she endured as a child (most prominently ; isolation). but how ruby handled going against james and the fight against the ace-operatives / specifically harriet, was down right wrong. she should not have jumped past james with her semblance to reveal james’ plan, which automatically escalated the situation from bad to even fucking worse. she yet again made a decision for herself and a group of people that can cost them their lives if things dont go their way (which, knowing how this show can be written sometimes? it will always go their way in the end), without thinking. i really dont feel i have to explain how spontaneous her choice on this is, especially because i know multiple people have covered it in better written posts. it essentially boils down to rubys blatantly reckless actions and absolutely moronic choices to do what they did. do not get me started on her line of “then you trained us” or the fact that all the ace-operatives walked into that fight with less aura than team rwby, which already gave them an unfair advantage. i really do not have the patience to fully type out and explain why i hate these two episodes with my entire being, but it mostly boils down to: nobody in this situation is right. not ream rwby, not james, not the ace-ops, very clearly not salem and her lackeys, not qrow choosing to fight 1v1v1, or cinder for a multitude of reasons. the only characters in these episodes i dont have a burning hatred for, be it temporarily or a fire i have a feeling will be burning for a while, is team jnr and oscar. they were trying their best in regards of what was best for everybody, oscar wanting to help james to the best of his ability. 

♥  tl;dr : basically? ruby rose in volumes 1 - 6 was actually a really enjoyable character and only had a few moments of “okay but why?” but everybody also has those moments. ruby rose in volume 7 turned into a hypocritical, blatantly rude and whiny little girl who i honestly cant really see as a good character at the moment at all, because of how she acted the entire volume. 

[fiftyshadesgrl]

He saved me/ part 9

Summary: reader is in a abusive relationdhip. When things take a turn for the worst she finds help in the winchesters.

Warning: this story will have smut, language, violence, abuse and torture. If youre triggered by any of this i suggest not reading.

6 months later....

Me and bobby were sitting at the table eating the homemade lasanga and garlic bread i had made when his phone started to ring. He leaned over and with one hand snatched the phone from its cradle never faltering with his other hand that had a fork full of lasanga.

"Yeah?" Bobby said evenly. "Alright what time will you be in?" Bobby glanced my direction, i smiled warmly at him and he just stared. "Alright see you in a few."

He sighed when he hung up, "that was sam." I perked up at the mention of his name. I hadnt seen him in so long and to be honest i missed him. "Theyre going to stop by, need some info on a hunt."

I smiled, "thats great! I miss that boy." Then it hit me. "Wait, you said they. That means.."

He nodded, "yeah deans gonna be here too. Sam wanted to give you a heads up before they get here. Ya know, just in case you wanna bolt."

I thought about it long and hard, would seeing dean bring up all those old feelings ive been burying since i left? Would he even be happy to see me? Would he be mad? Would he even acknowledge i was here?

I sighed and gave him a small smile that im sure didnt reach my eyes. "Ill be alright bobby, ive got dinner dishes to do and plenty to keep me occupied. If i know dean hes gonna want food so ill fix them a plate when they get here then you wont even know im here."

We finished our dinner and when i stood to take our plates i asked, "what time will they be here?"

"Id say about another hour."

I nodded and made my way to the kitchen to get started on the dishes and to clean up.

An hour and a half later there was a knock on the door. I could hear from the kitchen.

"Hiya bobby." Sam said.

"Good to see ya boys." Bobby said sounding cheerful.

"Doing some spring cleaning bobby?" That was the voice that has haunted me for the past 6 months. I could almost smell him from where i stood. That comforting feeling blanketed me just by hearing his voice. I sighed to myself knowing he didnt know i was here.

I took the lasanga and plated a huge piece for sam and dean, along with placing the garlic bread in the basket from earlier. I took a deep breath and took my first steps out towards the boys.

I walked up behind them where they sat at the table, i set down the plates in front of them. Both men jerked in response then our eyes met.

"(Y/N)!" Sam jumped up from his spot at the table and engulfed me in a huge hug.

"Hey sammy, its good to see you." I was geniunely happy to see him.

He pulled back and inspected me, "you look great. How are you doing?"

"Better than i was last time you saw me." I said matter of factly and im sure dean knew what incident i was talking about.

"What the hell?" Dean said still in shock i think.

"Hey dean." I said in a flat tone. His brow furrowed at that.

"How long have you been here?" He asked.

"6 months." I said over my shoulder making my way to get their drinks. When i turned around from the fridge dean was standing there behind me.

"You have been here this whole time and never contacted me? Ive been going crazy not knowing where you were." Dean sounded mad, the nerve.

I straightend my spine to stand as tall as i could, "you made it pretty clear that night what you wanted."

"Damn it (Y/N), thats not fair."

I chuckled, "lifes not fair dean, you of all people should know that. Now go back and eat. I cant stand for food to be wasted."

"We are not done here." He said through gritted teeth.

I pushed past him but turned around right before i walked out. "Yeah dean, we are." With that i placed the drinks on the table and walked upstairs.

I changed into my running clothes the same ones i wore the night me and dean had sex. He thinks he has a hold on me well im going to remind him just what he walked out on.

I hopped down the stairs and put my hair up in a high ponytail. I hooked my ipod to my armband and slipped my tennis shoes on. All eyes focused on me when i walked into the dining room.

"Im going for a run, dont stay up to late old man." I walked over to bobby and kissed his cheek.

He smiled up at me "be careful."

"Dont worry, ill be fine." I looked to sam and dean and didnt fail to notice the lust in his eyes. "If you boys are gone before i get back, its been nice seeing ya again."

Sam stood and gave me a hug and a peck on the cheek. Dean didnt move didnt even look at me. I slapped him on the shoulder, "see ya deano."

With that i made my way outside. I started stretching my muscles when i got out in the warm air. I was getting ready to start my run when i heard the front door open behind me.

"(Y/N), we need to talk." Deans voice sent a chill up my spine but i tried my best to ignore it. I closed my eyes and sighed as i turned towards him.

"Have you found parker yet?"

Dean shook his head.

"Then we have nothing to talk about." I said as i started walking up the driveway. Dean was close behind me.

"Yes we do. You cant run from me forever."

I picked up my pace to a light jog, "tell ya what. If you can keep up we can talk."

I started running faster, i knew dean didnt do running. I heard him huffing then stop all together. I smiled over my shoulder at him then put my ear buds in and cranked up my music.

When i got back to bobbys an hour later the impala was still parked in the driveway. I rolled my eyes and opened the front door. I heard the guys talking in the living room then i heard my name come up.

"I dont know what to do. (Y/N) just wont talk to me." That was dean.

"Maybe she will come around. I mean you walked out on her at the worst time in her life." I recognized that as sam. He was taking up for me.

"Did she never mention anything to you? I mean she has been here for half a year." Dean asked bobby.

"She never talked to me about anything. I wasnt going to force her." Bobby said sounding aggitated.

"You mean to tell me after all this time you two living under the same roof nothing has come up about that night?"

I heard a glass slam down on the table. "You calling me a liar?"

I figured id show my face before it got more heated. "Im back, gonna grab a shower then head to bed."

Bobby nodded and i dashed up the stairs before anyone could say anything else. After my shower i walked down stairs to get a bottle of water. The guys were talking about some kind of lore and really didnt pay me no mind.

I walked back upstairs but instead of going to bed i went into the other spare room and started sorting files and cleaning up.

I almost had all the files organized and in their own seperate piles, i just had to put them in the file cabinet. A certain file caught my eye, the name sounded so familiar. Patrick windsor, i opened the file and gasped. It was parkers father.

I started reading through the file and it had all kinds of locations where he had been at and owned. Apparently patrick was a demon as well, working for lucifer himself. I was so focused on the file that i didnt hear someone approaching.

"Couldnt sleep?" Deans rough voice sounded from the doorway. I looked up and he was sipping yet another beer.

"No, i came up here to sort through all of this." I said in a flat tone, hoping he would just go away. I didnt want to discuss anything with dean right now. Instead he walked in and took a seat in the chair right across from me.

He didnt say a word, just sat there watching me. After a few minutes it started to get under my skin. "Why are you in here?" I asked a little snippy.

He smiled, "for you." I rolled my eyes and continued placing the files in different stacks. "Come on (Y/N), you cant ignore me forever."

"Its worked for six months."

He sighed heavily and stood up. Walking over to where i was sitting on the floor. I thought he might leave but instead he sat down next to me.

"I know i hurt you, but i was only looking out for your well being." He ran a hand through his hair, "ive learned that in this life we dont get love. We dont get happily ever afters. A hunter can retire and ward off whats out there. Like bobby, he lost his wife a long time ago and has never got close to anyone since. A hunters family and loved ones are never safe."

I nodded letting him talk, this is a side that i doubt many people ever saw of dean. I felt a little honored that he would open up to me, so i let him continue.

"That night when you told me you loved me it scared the hell out of me. Not because i dont want you, because you have already been through so much. You cant and shouldnt fall for me. Youre just going to get hurt or worse."

I nodded and placed the file i was holding down beside me. "I understand where youre coming from, but you cant push everyone away dean."

He shook his head, "i dont think you do. I tried the whole leave this life behind and have a family thing. She had a son, i thought of him like my own. I loved her and for a minute i was happy. Then a demon possesed her and tried to kill her right in front of me and her son. We got her to the hospital and cas healed her but i also asked him to take away all of lisa and bens memories of me. That was hard to see a woman and kid i loved look at me a different way than they had that morning. Never knowing who i was, but it was better for them, if i had never came into their lives in the first place it wouldnt have happened. So i just made things right, the way they shouldve been."

A silent tear fell from my eyes hearing dean talk about what he has went through. I now truly understood his hesitance about getting close to people. Instead of making me hate him it made me love him that much more, but i could never act upon it again. He downed the rest of his beer and sat the bottle down next to his leg.

"Dean, im sorry for everything you have went through. I have never had someone who truly loved me so i wouldnt know how that feels." I figured since he opened up to me it was only fair that i do the same. "At first i thought parker loved me. I just got so blinded by his words. I never had a family i was in the system until i was 15, then i ran away and never looked back. I was prostituting to make rent and for a little food, then i met parker. He took me in, sweet talked me, made empty promises on marrying me having children and having anything i would ever wanted. I fell for it and that has led me to where i am now."

"You can still have that life. Get married, have a family."

I shook my head, "no parker done so much damage to me that he destroyed the chance of me ever having children."

He opened his mouth to say something but i cut him off. "I never knew what love was, until i met you. Youre just so easy to fall for, but i know now that you dont feel the same way."

"(Y/N)....."

"Let me finish." He nodded and i continued. "Just because you dont love me doesnt make you less of a person. Youre a great guy and i hope one day you can prove youself wrong."

He looked down at the floor, when he looked up his eyes had tears in them. I placed a hand on his that he had on his leg. "Its okay dean, dont beat yourself up." Just as he was about to say something sam appeared in the doorway.

"I think we may have something on parker."

@an-unhealthy-obsession

[weirdlizard26]

For the ask meme? All of them.

jay,,,

give me a sec to edit this post ok

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans?

wine glasses are like reading glasses except you wear them while drinking wine

i’d say water bottles but only the ones that can handle heat and stuff and not poison your drink with plastic or whatever

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

i havent had a lollipop in a good while so thats my choice

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

havent tried either but boy i’d love to try just a little bit of cotton candy at leastonce

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you?

bro,,,,,, that was like 10 years ago, how am i supposed to remember that,,,,,,,

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

i usually drink soda from plastic cups but honestly? nothing beats the experience of sipping that sweet sweet ambrosia from the bottle,,, but also i’d love to try soda in a can some day!

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear?

idk what half of these would look like but sportswear always wins in my book

7. earbuds or headphones?

ok i actually googled whats the difference and im more of an earbuds person! theyrejust safer i think and it makes me kinda anxious when im home listening tomusic and cant hear anything going on around me

8. movies or tv shows?

tv shows! well, unless the episodes are like 40 minutes or a full hour because its hard to focus for that long kfjsndkfs

9. favorite smell in the summer?

pavement after rain and also. grass.

10. game you were best at in p.e.?

haha thats a funny joke you made there *starts crying*

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

just a couple of meat+cheese+mayo sandwiches! if its summer mom cuts tomatoes or cucumbers for us and as they start getting more and more expensive we replace them with pickles!

12. name of your favorite playlist?

sorry i couldnt choose!

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring!

14. favorite non-chocolate candy?

aaaa i love fruit flavored ones!

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment?

aaaaaaaa i dont remember if it was elementary or middle school but we were assigned this really cool ukrainian book that ive actually read before they assigned it. well, nobody here will recognize it but it was Тореадори з Васюківки by Всеволод Нестайко and it was about 2 boys who were best friends growing up in the countryside and they went on adventures and had fun and their friendship made me so happy,,, i guess i was all for cool friendship portrayal even back then! it was mostly laughs and jokes but some moments were actually serious and hit me really hard and i remember them to this day actually

16. most comfortable position to sit in?

its a myth, sitting was created as a personal attack on me

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

my trusty old sneakers!! theyre all black and the sole is very soft and nice

18. ideal weather?

when the sun is out and its just warm enough to show off your new graphic tee and also very soft and nice

19. sleeping position?

i just lie on my left side like a fool

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)?

notebook!

21. obsession from childhood?

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES!!! AND DANNY PHANTOM!!!! i even made a ghost fighting costume once,,,, tho it wasnt much of a costume, it was just fingerless gloves i cut out of paper. they were extremely uncomfortable. but very effective in fighting ghosts!

22. role model?

kfjsdnfk i have a bunch! might sound weird but one of them is bdg i think??? and the other 2 are some online acquaintances whom im too afraid to interact with more often than i do

23. strange habits?

repeating silly lines i hear on tv / in anime/cartoons? and also i never touch food with my right hand unless its plums?? and there are more but. you know. bad memory.

24. favorite crystal?

all of them!!!!!

25. first song you remember hearing?

my grandma used to sing this to me over the phone

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUPnqqPXQsw

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather?

go for a walk!

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather?

slep

28. five songs to describe you?

we are the people by empire of the sun

home by cavetown

strawberry blonde by mitski

smile like you mean it by the killers

afterlife by arcade fire

29. best way to bond with you?

wash your hands very thoroughly and make jokes

30. places that you find sacred?

i see nature i go crazy from how much respect i have for it

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass andtake names?

*wearing hinata cosplay* im here to play volleyball and kick your ass and as you can see ive already played today’s match

32. top five favorite vines?

road work ahead

a avocado!! thanks!!!!!

REBECCA THIS IS NOT WHAT YOU THINK

i fell can you help me :(

that vine where ukulele sounds like human voices and people sounds like ukuleles

33. most used phrase in your phone?

idk how to check that??? sowwy

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head?

the stomach meds ad they keep showing on tv

35. average time you fall asleep?

3am? 4am? idk for sure

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing?

t-trollface…

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

havent used either (cause ive never traveled anywhere too far away) but the latter looks pretty and i feel like it would fit more stuff

38. lemonade or tea?

depends on my mood!

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie?

dont kick me but im not sure if ive ever tried either ;w;

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school?

the school’s cat who hates most people actually kinda warmed up to me even tho im terrible with animals

41. last person you texted?

jay uwu

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets?

afabs cant have both huh

but i want both. please give me both.

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

all of these sound nice but my lazy ass will always go for hoodies

44. favorite scent for soap?

aaaaaaaa im allergic to a lot of soaps but i like flower scented ones

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero?

i love all of them dearly but lately ive been more into superheroes i think. im not sure really sure what exactly i feel

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in?

something really really long

47. favorite type of cheese?

there are different types????

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be?

i hope im a pear

49. what saying or quote do you live by?

become a good person. thats all.

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have?

i dont remember what it was but i remember i was with my friends and we couldnt stop laughing for several minutes and ive never felt happier

51. current stresses?

UNIVERSITY FUCK OFF!!!

52. favorite font?

i like comic sans

53. what is the current state of your hands?

they arent doing so hot tbh, my dermatitis is back again

54. what did you learn from your first job?

i dont have one!

55. favorite fairy tale?

gonna be honest chief, i dont remember too many of them ;w;

56. favorite tradition?

on new year’s we turn the lights off, light up a candle in the kitchen, laugh at president’s speech and only then starts eating

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome?

getting over a lost friendship, passing high school finals and uni entrance exams and coming out to my best friend

58. four talents you’re proud of having?

singing!! being able to learn how to do most things pretty quickly!!! and i cant think of anything else but honestly these two are quite enough for me

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

uh oh! guess what! i dont have a catchphrase and im very self-conscious about it!

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be?

im torn between sports anime and slice of life

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

because humans dont have wings we look for other ways to fly

from haikyuu

obviously

62. seven characters you relate to?

tsukishima kei from haikyuu

mae borowski from nitw

apollo justice from ace attorney

flame princess from adventure time

donatello from tmnt

sokka from atla

kageyama shigeo from mob psycho 100

63. five songs that would play in your club?

mr brightside, bohemian rhapsody, smile like you mean it by the killers and allof haikyuu ops and eds

64. favorite website from your childhood?

if social media counts, vkontakte i guess?? i didnt really go anywhere else and it still exists and i thriving so im not sure if it should count fkjsndkjf

65. any permanent scars?

yeah, the one from my very first vaccination from when i was a few months old i think and also some traces of when i had chickenpox

66. favorite flower(s)?

idk a lot of flower names but i really like tulips

67. good luck charms?

dont have any at the moment but i’d love to get one!

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried?

whatever fish mom used to buy when we were kids >:(

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned?

bro my memory isnt good enough to remember those,,

70. left or right handed?

im a righty but i had to become a lefty for like a month when i broke my pinkie

71. least favorite pattern?

i like traditional ukrainian ornaments

72. worst subject?

history :P

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

ice cream + fries

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen?

idk how pain levels work but i try not to take meds unless the pain is interfering with studying

75. when did you lose your first tooth?

idk but i had a box full of my teeth for so long they turned to dust and i had to throw it away

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)?

RHNGRHGNRHGRNH EVERYTHING except for freshly made mashed potatoes

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill?

if its green it can stay

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store?

have never had either of those and i hope i never will cause they sound gross!

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i dont have a license, so.

80. earth tones or jewel tones?

kfjsndfks depends on the mood tbh!

81. fireflies or lightning bugs?

fireflies!

82. pc or console?

i WISH i had a console but this is too broke for that,, i played a couple of times tho and it feels more fun than pc!

83. writing or drawing?

please dont make me choose, ive abandoned both and its making me feel bad

84. podcasts or talk radio?

podcasts :O

84. barbie or polly pocket?

idk what polly pocket is but barbie rules!!!

85. fairy tales or mythology?

i feel like sometimes fairy tales are kinda like watered down myths so i have a right to say i like both

86. cookies or cupcakes?

my heart goes to cookies

87. your greatest fear?

finding out im faking any part of my identity

88. your greatest wish?

get through whatever’s going on right now

89. who would you put before everyone else?

mom

90. luckiest mistake?

when i recorded an undertale medley and got a few notes wrong but it actually ended up sounding better than originally

91. boxes or bags?

boxes!

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights?

fairy lights……

93. nicknames?

never really had many? my bff calls me mr smith sometimes but thats all i can think of fkjsdnfs but also! steve used to be my nickname before i decided my life my own and i get to choose my name

94. favorite season?

spring ;w;

95. favorite app on your phone?

sudoku

 96. desktop background?

 97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

my own and my mom’s

 98. favorite historical era?

eh im not very fond of the past because not every time period had soap

[b00bconnoisseur]

60 questions for @not-my-brain

1. selfie.......Ugghhhh ok. Imma take one rn

Ok here u go (yes thats a bmth shirt)

2. what would you name your future kids?.....Ooo hmmm well when i was a kid i really liked the names disney, and mesiah. I didn't know at the time that mesiah was another name for god i think lol. I liked it cause of handlers mesiah. I still do. Ooo and maybe Tj too

3. do you miss anyone?......Yeah. My friends on Pinterest from a year ago. My friend lucas. Stan lee. Bob ross. My cousin who died from cancer some years ago. Snape. Sirius. Lupin. Tonks. Dobby. *continues to name every unfortunate death in hp*

4. what are you looking forward to?.......SE-YA next month!! Its the south eastern young adult festival at this college. You can have meet n greets with authors and alot of stuff its the besstttt

5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?......DEFINATELY. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @sammchenry my friend lucas and @septembersbloom. ^^

6. is it hard for you to get over someone?..... What like...romantically? Or like a death? If romantically uhhh idk it took over a couple weeks but im ok now. Ive never had another relationship so idk. If death oof yeah idk maybe. Ig it depends on how much i knew them idk. Like when my nanny (great grandma) died i was sad for days (is that alot?)

7. what was your life like last year?.....Sucky af. Still is. But the highlights of my life last year was getting and making friends on tumblr, going to the tøp concert and going to warped tour, volunteering at the library, going to seya and meeting some of my favorite authors, reading, changing and improving my art, listening to all the bands i listen to now, getting into more fandoms, going to a friends house for the first time

8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?.......Yes lol. Some years ago when i couldn't find smtn id be so annoyed and pissed id start crying. I dont now but still lol

9. who did you last see in person?.......Hm ig family doesn't count....? Wait do u mean a friend? If so uhh my friends rebekah, anika, and Judah at a TAB meeting at the library sometime last month.

10. are you good at hiding your feelings?......I think so? Like i mean I can hide whenever i get my....time of the month from my mom (talking abt stuff like that with her makes me uncomfortable) and i hid a breakup. And other p big stuff too. So imma say yeah

11. are you listening to music right now?........*pops on earbuds after reading this* yee im listening to bitch lasagna by pewdiepie xD (do i have the best spotify playlist or what?)

12. what is something you want right now?.......To hug @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye but SOMEONE has to live so far away

13. how do you feel right now?........Happy that my earbud still works cause they got washed in the wash yesterday....oops. Its not my fault. I told my dad to remind me to take it out of my jacket pocket before they threw it in but noooooo he forgot

14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?.......Uhhhhh fuck idk it was probably from my lil 4 yr old bro sometime last week. Other than him (hes my favorite sibling) i dont let them hug me too much

15. personality description.......Nerdy. Fangirl. "Emo". Tomboy. Hotsause obsessed. Book lover. Music lover. Black. Blue. Harry potter. Introvert. Fall. Sports. Values friendship. Loyal. Uhhhh i cant think of much lol

16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?.......*sigh* yes. Yes yes yes. Theres some things abt me, or my life really, that i havent told anyone on here or my irl friends that i sooooo want to so bad but i haven't cause i feel like they'd feel bad and pity me and i don't want that

17. opinion on insecurities........I dont really understand this one. Everyones insecure abt something. Is this askin like if i think its ok or not? I say its ok. Im insecure about literally everything about me. My face. My personality. My socialness. My art. What i do. What i say. Basically my whole body. The things i feel good abt are my books, music taste, and my friends (ily fuckers)

18. do you miss how things were a year ago?.........Hmm this time around a year ago....idk its sorta the same but all the stuff i mentioned abt my year from last year didn't happen yet so nah tho my life sucks rn its better than this time last year

19. have you ever been to New York?........Nooo but i want too soo baddd i wanna visit @septembersbloom !! Im coming for ya soon gramps *does the eye watching thing* my dads been to nyc before tho cause he does construction and he had a concrete job to do there. It was a 23 hr drive for him

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?........Uhhh idk!!! So hard! Maybe.....the whole thats the spirit album by bmth ;)

21. age and birthday?.....15 yrs of age and September 27th 2003 (whats yours brainy? I'll put it on my calendar)

22. description of crush......Its weird idk im not sure if its a genuine crush or not but uh....They like hp :).Thats all u get

23. fear(s).......Losing my best friend @dirtysocke and my other friends. Death. Failure. Momo chasing after me then killing me slowly keeping my eyes open to look her dead in the eyes while i die

24. height......5'6 call me short and I'll fuck u up with THIS *pulls out trusty potato peeler named now steve* dont test me boi

25. role model......Hhhhhhhh so many! But uh gosh one of them is @superraedizzle (youtuberrrr) and vexx and bob ross and da vinci and aaaaaaa so many

26. idol(s)......First person that immediately comes to mind is @sammchenry cause he's super cool and he's really nice and his art's reallyyy good (if u havent seen it w-w-what are u even doin with your life?) And he has a great sense of humor and *continues to ramble about why samms the best*

27. things i hate.......Dabs. Transphobes. Homophobic ppl. Basically any hate on the lgbtq+ community. Bullies. The ship starker. Umbridge. Snape haters

28. i’ll love you if….....U you'll eat pizza, draw, and rp harry potter with mee

29. favourite film(s)......Fantastic beasts. Every hp film. Twilight. The maze runner 1-2. The hunger games. Spiderman homecoming. Kingsman: secret service. Into the spideyverse tho i havent seen it yet

30. favourite tv show(s)......Inkmasterrrrr. B99. The mick. The middle. Uhhh idk mostly ink master xD

31. 3 random facts........Ive never had shrimp. I had a beta fish for over a year once. Im eating pizza crust rn

32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?.......G i r l s. I have all girl friends irl and one boy. And on tumblr it seems like i just meet girls? Likei agree with @cristal-kyd1280 its like alot more gals then dudes here. But i do have some guy friends on here too. But mostly girls

33. something you want to learn.......TO DRAW ANATOMY DAMMIT

34. most embarrassing moment........Every moment of my lifes an embarrassing moment. Idk of i can pick a "most" embarrassing one. But one time i i sent my crush (now ex bf) a hey fuckface and like some hearts or whatever for an ask game that meant like "i have a crush on u" "youre adorable" etc and said Hewo but i did it all anonymously. But he confronted me askin if i sent it cause im the only person he knows that actually says hewo lol. Then later on i finally admitted i really liked him and well y'all know the story after i think. Unless you're new

35. favourite subject.......A R TTTT OFC

36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?........meet my friends on tumblr. Get into mtsu (college i wanna go to) and study art. And go skydiving

37. favourite actor/actress........favorite actor uhhhhhh probably thomas brodie sangster or tom felton and my favorite actress? Hmmm idk maybe evanna lynch (luna lovegood)

38. favourite comedian(s).......probably kevin hart lol he's p funny

39. favourite sport(s)........basketballllllll and football

40. favourite memory........uhhhhh idk?? One oh my favorite memories was when we went to see tøp in concert

41. relationship status.....single as a pringle

42. favourite book(s)......harry potter and the order of the pheonix. Harry potter and the half blood prince. Simon vs the homo sapiens agenda. Divergent. Maze runner. Twilight. Fangirl. Fallen. Red queen

43. favourite song ever.......TOO HARD DONT MAKE ME CHOOSEEEEEE

44. age you get mistaken for.........16 and 17 sometimes lol

45. how you found out about your idol........i was watching someone on yt and superraedizzle always poped up in my feed and my mom turned on one of her vids cause she always saw her vids too now ive seen most of em i love her. Id heard of vexx but never watched him and i was watching a collab from anthony miller art and shrimpy and i checked out shrimpys channel and was lookin at comments and alot of ppl said his art is like vexxs so i checked out vexx. At first i was like eh ok. Now i cant click fast enough when he posts a vid. And i actually fpund out about bob ross from my grandpa on jan 20 2017 when trump was getting sworn in or whatever. We turned on pbs and my grampa told me to look and bob ross was on and i was IN. I loved it. I even started watching full episodes on YouTube of the joy of painting after that. Wonderful man. My first painting i ever did i think was when i followed one of his tutorials xD (i didnt know it was popular at the time)

46. what my last text message says......."ok your turn"

47. turn ons.....uhh nerds ig idk um book lovers, music lovers, art lovers, potterheads, idk and nice ppl

48. turn offs......jerks. Homophobia. Idk ig whatever i said in things i hate

49. where i want to be right now......uhhhh idk wait didn't i already answer this? Ok this ones different ig so uhh with my friend lucas

50. favourite picture of your idol.....oh shit...favorite? Idk xD i have a fave of vexx but not of rae or bob. But heres pics of them any way

51. starsign......a libraaaaa boiii

52. something i’m talented at......drawing and speed reading. Thats about it lol. Oh and procrastina

53. 5 things that make me happy.......ooooo art, my friends here on tumblr, books, harry potter, and music ^^

54. something thats worrying me at the moment.....if my friend thinks im being annoying

55. tumblr friends......hhhhh so manyyyyyy. @dirtysocke @mysisterlooksforthisaccountsobye @cristal-kyd1280 @chinesewaffles2 @kingantlion @queen-baelin @sammchenry @septembersbloom and more

56. favourite food(s)......green beans, pepperoni pizza, and vanilla madelines

57. favourite animal(s).......basically any reptile. Puppies. Cats. Any animal really but my #1 are snakes

58. description of my best friend.....well she's a tiny bean (5 feet) and she has dark hair, she wears glasses, she doesnt take shit, she's in love with Josh dun, she's awesome, funny, nice (YES youre nice jackie) and shes the best friend ive ever had. Oh. And she has a weird obsession with spaghetti

59. why i joined tumblr.......well i heard abt it on Pinterest over a year ago but didnt want it. Then @mrfastbass-deactivated20181231 on DeviantArt said he got tumblr so i made one then followed him and figured id just post art and that's it cause i thought tumblr was boring as hell when i first got it. Now im p much obsessed with it

60. ask me anything you want.......go ahead brainy shoot. Give me smtn good

[comicteaparty]

February 7th, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party chat that occurred on February 7th, 2019, from 5PM - 7PM PST.  The chat focused on MK’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde by Marika Kapogeorgakis (or MK_Wizard).

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB START!

Good evening, everyone~! This week’s Thursday Book Club is officially beginning! Today we are discussing MK’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde by Marika Kapogeorgakis (or MK_Wizard)~! (http://mksjekyllandhyde.thecomicseries.com/)

Remember that Thursday discussions are completely freeform! However, every 30 minutes I will drop in OPTIONAL discussion questions in case you’d like a bit of a prompt. If you miss out on one of these prompts, you can find them pinned for the chat’s duration. Additionally, remember that while constructive criticism is allowed, our focus is fun and respectfully appreciating the comic. All that said, let’s begin!

QUESTION 1. What is your favorite scene in the comic so far and why?

Archangel

I'd have to say the first real heart-to-heart that Hyde had with Lucy.

MK_Wizard

For me (the writer), my favourite scene was when Jekyll finally stood up for his niece Emily.

khkddn

that was one of my favorites too

MK_Wizard

PS, thanks to everyone who came. You all rock!

khkddn

it was so sad when he didn't stand up for her at first

MK_Wizard

@lomcia (princess_lom) Please don't do that.

lomcia (princess_lom)

so you want me to discrabe which one i like?

MK_Wizard

Yes please.

RebelVampire

for the record images, whether emotes or w/e, dont get archived anyway. so text and links are always better

lomcia (princess_lom)

So. I like when he said that he won't have glasses on his face. World NEVER ihere is making me laugh

MK_Wizard

Yes, but... I don't feel comfortable when people take "snaps" of my pictures and show them elsewhere. It's something I was taught not to do to others.

If you must share, please share through a link.

lomcia (princess_lom)

Act 2 page 21 when they look into a mirror xD he look so happy in first panel and then when he realised that its not him xD i love it

MK_Wizard

That was fun for me to do that part.

lomcia (princess_lom)

Act 3 page 7! When he sees our lovely Lucy

that first panel!

Archangel

I must admit to having a bit of a crush on Lucy myself.

lomcia (princess_lom)

It was perfect

MK_Wizard

I have to admit that Lucy is one of the characters I proudest of. I worked very hard on her to not only make her progressive, but also deep. I wanted to give her a reason for being as she is.

Archangel

More historically plausible in our world than you may realize, too

lomcia (princess_lom)

I prefer as a female Hyde

Archangel

lol

Actually, have we seen any lady trolls?

Can't recall

MK_Wizard

Not yet.

lomcia (princess_lom)

not yet so there will be xD

MK_Wizard

Maybe, maybe not.

lomcia (princess_lom)

I hope Albert Ode will find nice woman

RebelVampire

for me, my favorite scene is probably the one where jekyll is in the mirror having given hyde full control and resigning himself to be gone forever. and then hyde comes back and tells him nah dude well work this out. i really just loved the subtle build-up looks where hyde is looking at things like the letter jekyll was leaving and such. it was also very touching and really showed hyde's heart through all the huffing and puffing

lomcia (princess_lom)

I like him i hope he never change

Rebel that was so sad scene , so emotional!

I really enjoy as I said Albert Ode, I hope to see him more offten, hes charming

Archangel

I think somebody has her own crush.

lomcia (princess_lom)

yeah, on all trolls Albert and Hyde

MK_Wizard

I felt is was high time the world got a version of Hyde who was good and still "Hyde" enough. In every adaptation I've seen, Hyde is always bad. And the very concept Robert Louis Stevenson had on good and evil was deep at the time, but now, we know that it's not true. What I did was bold and maybe "wrong" to some people, but it's the truth.

Archangel

I like how both Doc and Hyde have a plausible and sensible mix of good and bad personal qualities. Their interplay is more akin to 'The Odd Couple" than the usual metaphors of id vs superego or drug addiction that I see in other adaptations of the story.

MK_Wizard

Ha! Well, I like to think that by troll standards, Hyde doe faced.

I did that purpose too. If we did what was expected and made Jekyll completely submit to Hyde, that would be expected and dull.

No offence to webcomic writers who take that route.

Archangel

Well, tropes can either be used to a good purpose, subverted to a good purpose, or just blindly followed.

khkddn

Robert Louis Stevenson's take wasn't true?

MK_Wizard

If anything, I can tell you all this: between the two of them, Hyde is more dependent on Jekyll than Jekyll is on Hyde.

lomcia (princess_lom)

MK I really enjoy your story, and I would love to chat more but my eyes don't listen to me :< I wish you all the best, meaby when I'll wake up I will answer for questions which people left as a feedback for you

MK_Wizard

It was true for the psychological view of human nature at the time. So he was just as right as everyone else. But now, we have come a long way with psychology.

So yes and no @khkddn

Thanks @lomcia (princess_lom)

Archangel

It's been a long time since I read the original, but I seem to recall interpreting Jeckyl as the superego and Hyde as the id

Which could be considered good and evil, respectively, in a Victorian mind? Maybe? Not really my period of history, so I don't feel comfortable being definite.

khkddn

I interpreted it as subverting what people of the time thought the "professional gentlemanly man" was supposed to be

Archangel

Hmm. I see that.

MK_Wizard

It could be interpreted many ways. That's the beauty of the original tale.

khkddn

the victorian professional gentleman was supposed to be all good and proper, but here we have this guy turning into an evil man at night

but that's pretty far removed from mk's version

MK_Wizard

Jekyll and Hyde had a lot of complex themes when it came to duality don't forget such as having dark secrets one would be very ashamed of for the Victorian age especially.

khkddn

it's a happier story for one thing. i like how your writing isn't mean-spirited mk.

like there are mean people who do terrible things, but it's never framed as a funny thing or as just something that happens in life that we can't change

RebelVampire

yes i agree, i like this is a more upbeat version. not to say sad things dont happen, but i dont get the impression that its trying to be dark and edgy just to be dark and edgy. sad things happen right when they should

MK_Wizard

I'm not into meanness. I find at one point in the media, being mean got passed off as cool. I don't like that.

mathtans

Little one is asleep in crib (again). ^^ Happening place tonight! I got as far as end of Act 5.

RebelVampire

hi math~!

MK_Wizard

Hello!

mathtans

Fave bit of what I've read was probably at the ball, when we get the extra whammy of who Emma was with. I hadn't expected that. Then when Jekyll is trying to shrug it off, Emily interjects, that was awesome. I really like Emily.

MK_Wizard

Nice to see an Emily fan. I feared people overlooked her.

Archangel

She's a keeper, for sure

I had actually forgotten about her since we haven't seen her in a while. If it's any consolation, I do that to real people too.

RebelVampire

oh really? i 100% expected emma to be with him cause the world was really intent on kicking jekyll down. what i did enjoy was her trying to put all the blame on jekyll tho. cause that is something real ppl do when they get caught as such.

mathtans

Emily is the kick in the pants that Jekyll needs sometimes. I also like Lucy for similar reasons, actually (standing up for herself, whereas with Emily it's for her uncle).

MK_Wizard

@RebelVampire Definitely. I see it happen all to often with cheaters.

mathtans

Rebel: I guess I hadn't anticipated that plot point to still be dangling. Really felt bad for Jekyll at the start on account of kicking him when he was down though, like ouch. Also, agree, it was true to form.

Archangel

The hardest thing to blame is one's self, after all

RebelVampire

i appreciated that emily didnt forgive jekyll for the tennis thing and for not standing up for her. cause that was a point where i was glad she was gonna stop being an enabler of jekyll's flaws in a more slap in the face wake up call kind of way

mathtans

Like, talking could still be a thing. I know that sometimes people avoid, but when you're proposed to, I think that's the time to talk.

MK_Wizard

In Emily's defence, what Jekyll did was cowardly and hurtful.

Archangel

Def

mathtans

Rebel: Yeah, I'm kind of in the middle of that now, but that hurt. Since she was always standing up for him.

MK_Wizard

And don't forget. Emily's a teenager. She will have teen moments.

Archangel

He did correct his mistake and learn from it. Credit where it's due.

mathtans

Oooh, spoilers. (j/k)

Archangel

Oh right, sorry

hehe

mathtans

Heh, it's cool, talk about all the stuff. I do this every week, and never manage to clear the archive half the time.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 2. Two major themes of the comic are what it means to be a better person in the face of personal flaws and how one might learn to be better. Insofar, what has been your favorite moment of growth for any of the characters showcased in the comic? What about this moment struck you as particularly strong? In the larger picture, do you think Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde really will continue to help each other to grow? Further, in what ways do you think the two characters can grow further as people? Alternatively, might the two reach a limit where they are no longer able to help each other in this manner? What flaws might both still continue to deal with long term? Overall, how do you think these changes will affect how both characters deal with life, and what can we personally learn from it as readers?

MK_Wizard

I'm afraid there's no way I can answer this without giving things away

Archangel

Good God, where to start. Give me a minute.

mathtans

It's kind of interesting, because Hyde never even had a memory before the transformation. So in some sense, he's a blank slate, and thus everything is growth.

In the beginning, Hyde was doing it for himself, but he inadvertantly helped people. Some part of him must have liked that, because now he does it to help and fight against the system.

Archangel

Okay, so obviously each of our protagonists has a massive, salient character flaw that comes out fairly early on. Jeckyl is too afraid of confrontation, and would rather get shafted than make a scene. Meanwhile Hyde, as @mathtans noted, is very self-centered--in rather a childish way, which makes sense in the context that Mat noted.

Each is well-placed to advise the other and point out that he's being a tool and why.

And -- very importantly -- they can't ignore each other

While each man is far from perfect, we're already seeing them improve in the face of the other's prodding, and finding themselves happier for it

mathtans

They have much to "reflect" on.

Archangel

/facedesk

Bravo, sir

Now I have to wipe soda off my monitor

MK_Wizard

I don't deny that there are tons of metaphors and symbolism in my story.

khkddn

there were earlier times when jekyll became more of a courageous person but i liked in act 8 when lanyon showed up at his door pretending to be friendly and jekyll is not having ANY of it

RebelVampire

be careful with that soda cause math is here to be the pun master

Archangel

Noted

Anyway, to @khkddn 's point, I wonder if it's because it was just the two of them? Maybe J's problem is more social anxiety? Interesting thought.

RebelVampire

yeah seeing jekyll just being like nope was a really satisfying in that moment. like seeing your little boy suddenly grow up.

MK_Wizard

It's a lot of things and it's complex which will be explained more and more as the story goes on.

RebelVampire

my favorite moment of growth is actually when hyde apologizes to lucy. because apologies are legit one of the hardest things to do i think for ppl. because thats a lot of stabbing for the personal ego, and the more prideful, the harder it is. so heres hyde, probably one of the most prideful ppl in the comic, admitting that he said some messed up shit and screwed up. that was a beautiful moment cause taking that many stabs to his ego was a showcase of how far hed come that hed go through such a grand gesture and damage his pride.

mathtans

Hyde also really has no filter when he's talking, while Jekyll has like, massive overthinking of everything before he speaks. It's a live-in-the-moment attitude versus thinking about the future. So if there is a "limit" where they can't help each other, I imagine Jekyll would see it coming.

MK_Wizard

They are opposites @mathtans

mathtans

True. I guess I'm saying that's conveyed well.

Archangel

@RebelVampire it also shows just how deeply Hyde cares for Lucy, that he's willing to basically abase himself like that.

khkddn

i agree w @RebelVampire about that scene, it shows that even if hyde is an opposite to jekyll personality wise, he isn't morally opposite and can be a good person who admits mistakes

mathtans

Speaking of opposites, here's a fun thing I realized. Jekyll loses his job, and his girl, and we feel badly for him. That thug guy Tom ALSO loses his "job" and his "girl" (if shaking down stores can be a job), but because he's on the wrong side of the law (and a jerk), we don't feel badly for him.

Archangel

Well, neither of their flaws are really things that need to be completely removed. They just need to be moderated. Hyde needs to learn a bit of impulse control, and Jeckyl needs to learn to loosen up a bit.

mathtans

Yeah, "Tom" might be the moral opposite.

Archangel

But neither of their attitudes towards life are bad per se, so long as they're not taken to extremes... as they have been doing

Huh, interesting

Or perhaps "there but for the grace of God go I" type of thing?

MK_Wizard

@mathtans Tom is a bad person. Do you all remember how he hit Lucy? Imagine how much worse it would have been if Hyde wasn't there.

RebelVampire

yeah im really interested to see if jekyll's biggest challenge in growing is moderation. cause i didnt entirely disagree with him in certain contexts. like at the party, i was kind of on his side that sometimes just letting things go is better and that theres a time and place for certain...coversations as it were.

Archangel

I'm amazed Lucy doesn't carry a knife or something. Most prostitutes in cities carry something for self-defense (if they're smart), and the habit would likely carry over into working at a bar. Plus Victorian ladies' clothes are REALLY good for concealing weapons. You have to see it to believe it

mathtans

Yeah, jerk as I indicated. Just, similar stuff happened to him. Just thought it was interesting. He's more evil than Hyde is, for sure.

Archangel

Oh absolutely

khkddn

tom doesnt have a cool top hat like hyde and that's why i'll never root for him even if he weren't a bad person(edited)

MK_Wizard

@Archangel Lucy does own a knife, but she knows Tom would have overpowered her.

Archangel

If she'd given him a chance. But I see your point.

The hardest part of hurting or killing someone is actually deciding to do so.

Damaging somebody is terrifyingly easy... if you can bring yourself to do it.

Anyway. off topic.

MK_Wizard

There's a reason she has scars. Like Lucy said, her getting slapped wasn't the worst assault a man had ever done on her. She is brave and tough, but she's not super strong. Lots of men can overpower her and have, but she's not prostitute. She's a waitress, but she is poor so that still makes her an easy target.

Archangel

She started out as a sex worker, though, right? Or am I misremembering.

mathtans

Again, to be clear, I don't think anyone should root for Tom. Just, he had similar stuff happen and approached things in a way that neither Jekyll nor Hyde would. (Very wrongly.)

khkddn

lucy would also need an exit strategy if she used the knife on tom. she would probably have to run away and lay low, which could be more dangerous than staying with him.

mathtans

Lucy is kickass. I liked her remark of an apology shouldn't have a "but".

MK_Wizard

She was a showgirl and eventually had to sort of become a prostitute, but she isn't one anymore.

Archangel

Very true, hadn't thought that through

Seebee

is here to show support

Woo, go MK

Archangel

lol

MK_Wizard

Hey Seebee!

Seebee

Yoooo~

MK_Wizard

Glad you could join us.

You rock!

Seebee

GASP, I'MMA ROCK?!

looks at self

no wonder I got craters on my skiiiin

Archangel

Hope you're a pet rock. Then you get a nice box with straw and everything

MK_Wizard

Just because Lucy is no muscle woman doesn't mean she's a pushover. And now that she doesn't have to submit to people to make a living, she sure as heck never does.

RebelVampire

yeah i think that was a great line, @mathtans cause its really such a simplistic but smart way of weeding a good apology from a bad apology

MK_Wizard

Her having her body belong to herself again is something that is very precious to her.

Archangel

Understandably

Not many people could have gone through as much bad as Lucy has and come out walking erect, as the saying goes. I think that's why admire her so much. I don't think I could ever be that strong.

mathtans

(I'm continuing my read in the background, btw. The April Fools strip with the green hair is a riot. Speaking of bodies belonging to other people.)

khkddn

yeah lucy is one of my favorite characters, she's cool

MK_Wizard

She had to be. No one else was there for her. Back in the day, being of mixed ethnicity was a taboo.

That was the reason she had it rough. It's not right, but... it was not uncommon.

khkddn

if a random person during the time saw lucy would they assume she is mixed? or does she pass as not being mixed?

i'm wondering if this would change how she is treated

Archangel

Speaking for the USA, it depended entirely on the place and the person's specific appearance

But rarely would it be ignored

MK_Wizard

Ha. Well.... she's a cartoon, but if she were real, yes. You would tell because her skin is a bit too dark, she has the eyes and lips, as well as the physique.

mathtans

Just an aside on the topic of cartoons, I feel like it takes a while to draw the hairdos. ^^

MK_Wizard

She can't pass off not being mixed. She's one of those very obvious cases.

Oh ho ho ho. Jekyll's hair IS tedious to draw, but it's worth it because it makes him stand out.

Archangel

Also, her hair isn't right. One of the more dominant traits of African heritage is the way hair behaves--very bristly and stand-outy (I don't know the right word). To get it to flow like Lucy's does, one needs a good deal of product every morning. Or so a friend told me once.

mathtans

Well done, MK. Also for having Emily's be similar, what with the family resemblance.

MK_Wizard

Thanks

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. In the current story, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde have become aware of a mysterious alchemist causing trouble. Who exactly is this mysterious alchemist? Why is this alchemist helping Governor Carew? Exactly what do you think this project is that the board of governors is looking to fund by using the alchemist’s talents? Do you think Mr. Hyde’s previous actions will put the board on extra alert for their investigations? How might this affect Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyll’s success in stopping Carew’s villainy, if so? Alternatively, how might the various things the alchemist is able to do (like create gold) change the characters’ views on how the world works? All in all, how do you feel this arc of cases will wind up be solved (or go unsolved)?

Archangel

I do know that one of the standard "tests" of somebody's background back in the bad old days was to look at their hair, precisely because this trait is so dominant.

mathtans

Well, I'm obviously not there yet, but I feel like this was set up very well with the mercury poisoning stuff happening in the background of what I have read.

Archangel

Well, creating gold is always a bad idea when the economy is based on gold. Every mage's guild I've ever seen in any universe has a big fat rule against it

MK_Wizard

In Lucy's case, it's her skin, eyes and lips. Plus, her body type as she got older. Don't forget, coloured people go far beyond the hair and skin.

But back to the subject, it was explicitly stated that making your own gold is 100% illegal.

Archangel

So they have to be either utterly stupid or they don't care about devaluing the currency. Not something for men of means (and thus knowledge of at least some finance and economics) to take lightly

My bad, but my second point stands re: their scheme with the unfortunate chickens

RebelVampire

youre making a huge assumption they understand how the economy works. XD i dont get the impression most of the men of means care, as long as they get theirs and get to have their fancy stuff.

MK_Wizard

Plus, the board of governors have a lot of influence.

mathtans

What about making gold for someone else?

Archangel

I'd like to argue with you, RV, but I can't.

Presumably charged as an accessory, @mathtans

MK_Wizard

@Seebee, you got anything to add to this?

Archangel

Given that we're talking chemistry, though, the other classic thing that comes up aside from gold is some sort of immortality potion. I don't recall any hints to that effect, though.

mathtans

"You made a gold chain for my locket?" "Yes, now it's an accessory."

Seebee

Hmmm... not at the moment

I will be honest, I am ded inside from being out all day))

mathtans

I'm reminded of how Jekyll's first attempts at his formula involved trying almost all elements on the periodic table. He must have certain resources that might be helpful for going after an alchemist.

MK_Wizard

That and Jekyll has the most valuable resource of all: his own genius

Archangel

Mmm. He can certainly analyze any samples or whatnot that Hyde acquires.

RebelVampire

maybe thatll be the next arc, where theyre trying to find an immortality potion.

khkddn

i imagine the alchemist is helping governor carew because he's deeply involved w the plan somehow. it'd be weird if he were just a hired alchemist, because, what're they gonna pay him in? gold?? couldn't he just make the gold himself

Archangel

Perhaps the deal is that they'll put him beyond the law

So he can actually get away with it

No point to crime if you can't enjoy the result

MK_Wizard

It's definitely something big and it also shows how heinous the board of governors really are.

RebelVampire

i kind of think the previous arc has made it more difficult though. cause if i was on the board, i would def be on high alert. all it takes is one guy saying "hey i saw hyde snooping around stopping our gold operation"

MK_Wizard

Actually, nobody can say or do anything.

The alchemist burnt the evidence and place to the ground.

mathtans

Everything probably points back to Carew. That guy is shady as anything. (Incidentally, good job emphasizing his character with that statue debacle near the start. Not a nice man.)

RebelVampire

i can only think the alchemist is in it for the secret project. cause i agree with khkddn, its not like the alchemist needs gold

Archangel

I don't think we've seen any bent cops to this point, which means that the Governors either need enough evidence to fool honest cops (not so easy to fake), or to keep mum

MK_Wizard

It's a bit of both. Not enough evidence and some cops are crooked much to Sgt. Drumwell's dismay.

Archangel

There's always a few, and they always get promoted. >_<

Kei Esteban

Hello! Sorry I'm Late!

MK_Wizard

It's cool!

Archangel

*Hi ho

khkddn

heya

Kei Esteban

Thanks

RebelVampire

tbf its not like these are modern csi times. so theres only so many ways they can analyze evidence in the first place

MK_Wizard

Exactly

khkddn

do they even have fingerprint technology at this point?

Archangel

The techniques were fully established by that point, but not so widely accepted

MK_Wizard

They do have a way of detecting fingerprints, but fire destroys everything.

mathtans

Gotta make themselves a time machine.

Archangel

Wiki "Henry Classification System" sometime for an interesting insight into pre-fingerprint policing

khkddn

ah well to get anything out of ashes i think they would need chemical analysis that doesn't exist yet. it'd prolly be faster to build a time machine yep

Archangel

The problem with fire is that it alters the chemical composition of everything

MK_Wizard

Exactly. The alchemist knew precisely what he was doing.

Archangel

So unless you have research data, it's pretty much impossible to ID the source substances.

khkddn

they need chemical analysis that doesn't even exist in OUR time yet

Archangel

Well, the good guys do have a genius (al)chemist on their side...

Speaking of, @MK_Wizard , is there an actual technical distinction between chemistry and alchemy, or is it just po-tay-to/po-tah-to?

mathtans

Maybe someone will Hyde the evidence.

MK_Wizard

Yes and no.

khkddn

if only the chickens could speak english. then the truth would be out there

MK_Wizard

To explain, alchemy has some spirituality and magical properties behind it. Basically, it was the stepping stone to chemistry. People discovered that magic did have a science behind it and upon further research, people discovered that magic had a direct link to nature.

khkddn

i have to work on a school project and this is distracting me way too much so i'm gonna go. it's been fun chatting!

Archangel

glhf

MK_Wizard

With that, human beings who have no magic invented a way to "use magic" without having any themselves. Alchemy. They would use ways of manipulating nature in supernatural ways and through that, they discovered how to make chemicals and made other marvels through science.

@khkddn thanks for joining us

Of course, it wasn't just humans who used magic. Other races did too.

Kei Esteban

Ah, Other than Trolls and Humans, do you have any interest in having other Races show up?

mathtans

Interesting bringing that up, what with trolls being a thing common enough to be known with police. I wondered too.(edited)

MK_Wizard

Definitely. In fact, you already saw two and didn't know it.

Remember the short guy Biggs? He's a gnome.

Archangel

Oh cool

Kei Esteban

Ah Neat ^_^

Archangel

I still say he needs a buddy named Wedge

Kei Esteban

XD

RebelVampire

thats interesting. cause i was curious why everyone was like shrugging to the presence of trolls

XD

MK_Wizard

The other one is Tyler the redhead, but what HE is... you're going to see

mathtans

Now I'm picturing Biggs renting himself out to stand in gardens during the day.

Archangel

"If I parked a tank outside your office, after a week it would be just another car." --one of my vet buddies

Kei Esteban

I look forward to finding out ^_^

Archangel

(as in my buddy who's a vet. I was never in the Service)

Also, London in our world is one of the most metropolitan environments on earth. I bet it's the same in the story.

MK_Wizard

Most definitely,

mathtans

I now kind of wonder about interracial breeding.

MK_Wizard

It's like the "New York" of Europe in my comic. You'll find anyone there.

Archangel

Just like in real life

MK_Wizard

You've seen it already. Sgt. Drumwell is half troll and half human.

mathtans

Like, troll and human must be a thing given how Hyde and Lucy.... oh, yeah? Hummmm.

MK_Wizard

Hence his human appearance, but he has yellow fangs and his eyes.

Kei Esteban

Settings like that are always nice too see

MK_Wizard

It's also why he's compassionate. He was lucky because his parents were very wealthy so their money protected them. Plus, he passes off as a human mostly, but his eyes, teeth and height give him away.

Archangel

Well, it's for MK to say for sure, but one of the definitions of separate species is the inability to interbreed. There are exceptions, but that's the general rule. It would be interesting to see Hyde and Lucy have little ones, though. In due course.

Kei Esteban

indeed

RebelVampire

are laws applied equally or is there inequality as far as different species go? like is there special laws that only exist for trolls, etc.?

mathtans

Actually, Sgt Drumwell is their child. Eventually Jekyll perfects the time machine and sends him back.

MK_Wizard

lol no

Archangel

lmao

MK_Wizard

Here's how it works. It's generally a taboo socially, but if you're very rich, you can get away with a lot. You just won't be respected for it.

For example... there's another non-human you saw without knowing it. Utterson's redheaded wife Camilla. She's a wizard.

AND he married her without making her convert to his faith/human lifestyle. He allows her to continue living openly as a wizard and practicing her culture.

Archangel

Fascinating. And again, makes sense that people would regard sentient species the way they regarded other races at the time.

Kei Esteban

Well he is a Great guy, so that's not too surprising he would be respectful of her completely

MK_Wizard

Her hair was also an Easter Egg to her race. In old lore, red heads were often thought to be witches.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 4. Despite working together, Mr. Hyde and Dr. Jekyll still argue quite often and risk their own safety a lot. How might their shared injury and pain help or hurt their ability to function in their own daily lives in the future? Do you believe that at some point the two’s shared identity of sorts will be revealed? If so, how do you envision this coming about? Given the growing relationship between Mr. Hyde and Lucy, will Mr. Hyde be compelled to tell her at some point? What about Dr. Jekyll with his niece and nephew? Do you think the two’s shared arrangement with the body will work long term, or will they at some point need to make alterations to their living situation? Ultimately, how do you feel their living arrangement will affect their future adventures, whatever you think those future adventures might be?

Kei Esteban

@MK_Wizard Oh no! They are on too me! (I'm a Red head XD)(edited)

MK_Wizard

Ok, for this... I leave entirely up to all of you. So... bring on the fan theories!

Archangel

Let's see. Well, Lucy absolutely has a right to know. How she'll react, I have no idea.

As to Emily & Will... I think Emily should be briefed in, if only so she won't freak out if Hyde has to come get them to prevent a kidnapping or something by the opposition.

MK_Wizard

Keep in mind. Nobody knows yet.

Nobody except Louis and he's not talking.

Archangel

Right. I think Lucy can keep a secret. Emily... honestly don't know her well enough to say.

RebelVampire

yeah i think as far as a long term arrangement, its not gonna work. because assuming hyde wants to marry lucy at some point, thatd be problematic. even worse, what if jekyll meets somebody. they are fooling themselves if they think this can work out indefinitely. so jekyll is gonna need to put that genius to work.

Kei Esteban

I think it would be best in the long run for those closest to them to know. Lucy and Emily would be a great start indeed

Archangel

Knowledge of the situation would be all that Carew & Lanyon need to discredit anything Jeckyl says, ever, so it certainly can't become public knowledge.

MK_Wizard

Lanyon is out of the picture for good. It's the one thing I can confirm. He's defeated for good.

Archangel

Yay!

He was a good bad guy, though

Kei Esteban

I love how he effectively defeated himself! XD

MK_Wizard

That was the point. And it was also karma. Lanyon got successful by riding on Jekyll's tail and taking everything that was his.

In the end, doing this was his undoing.

Sure he didn't have Jekyll's money to do stuff, but it didn't make being a skunk ok especially because Jekyll really did see him as a friend and would have hlped him.

Kei Esteban

It was such a Creative way to end the conflict ^_^

Archangel

I don't think he'd believe you if you'd told him that to his face. People like that seem to get that way because they assume that everybody's out to get everybody. At least in my (blessedly limited) contact with the species.

Kei Esteban

That's an unfortunate way to look at the world. By that i mean the "everybody out to get everybody" bit.(edited)

MK_Wizard

I wanted to show that there are good and bad people from every social standing.

Basically, different kinds of good and bad people.

mathtans

Back. (Had to see to the little one briefly.)

MK_Wizard

Aww

mathtans

In terms of people knowing, would they believe without seeing the transformation?

Archangel

Good question

MK_Wizard

Would you? I don't think so.

mathtans

It's not like people have iPhones to video record it.

Archangel

That might help them keep the secret

mathtans

I mean, there's the argument of they haven't been in the same room together.

RebelVampire

nah i highly doubt it. in fact, far more likely the person claiming this is a thing that happened would get sent to an asylum

MK_Wizard

Yeah, but... who would believe the two share a body that transforms without seeing it?

mathtans

Though I agree with Rebel that they'll need to figure something out so that relationship things don't become an issue.

Someone with MPD?

MK_Wizard

Not talking (teasing)

I will share one tidbit... At the end of the true end of the story, there will be no loose ends.

For anything. And that is all.

mathtans

Just got to the bit with Lanyon, btw, that you were referencing earlier. That was very clever, coming full circle, and good final shot of him in the mirror.

RebelVampire

actually ya know tbf, didnt louis take some of the potion. you could use louis to show its a real thing

in the sense of the transformation

mathtans

Crazy theory time: Jekyll figures out how to shift Hyde to share a body with someone else instead. Hyde and Lucy decide to become "one", and ride off into the sunset.

MK_Wizard

I will say this now... no.

That sounds romantic on paper, but that would actually be bad.

Because how would they be a couple?

mathtans

Kissing mirrors.

Archangel

That'd make it like that one movie where the knight and the lady each shapeshift, but they alternate states at dawn and can never be together. That was one weird movie.

Good curse, though

MK_Wizard

That sounds like the worst kind of hell for two people deeply in love. To be so close, yet completely separate.

Kei Esteban

@MK_Wizard like Garnet, from Steven Universe? XD

Archangel

Actually, what Mat describes would be a truly horrible curse for a couple. I might use that someday.

MK_Wizard

Garnet is not Ruby and Sapphie per se. She is the embodiment of their love.

mathtans

Yeah, you're not wrong. Okay, so Hyde and Poole...?

Archangel

Poole's not getting any younger

What happens when one half dies?

MK_Wizard

They both die.

Kei Esteban

@MK_Wizard Very True (I guess we can't use Gem logic here)(edited)

mathtans

Yeah, I think that was stated. When they hurt, the other hurts too.

RebelVampire

yeah i feel the fact they share pain and death is gonna be weaponized against them. cause if i needed to get rid of hyde, id go for jekyll if i knew that fact. cause whats jekyll gonna do? slap me a little?

Kei Esteban

then how about Hyde and Carew? (Hyde just takes over full time)

MK_Wizard

You all really hit the nail on the head that them sharing a body, but not lives and such is going to become a challenge.

Archangel

Good point. Though you'd have to bump Jeckyl right away rather than keeping him around. Come sunset...

mathtans

Just to talk about Emily again (because she's cool), I feel like she'd understand, if the truth came out. Though I wonder if she'd be hurt that Jekyll didn't say anything sooner.

Archangel

Ooo, I like Kei's idea. Not sure it works that way, though.

MK_Wizard

And I will disprove the theory now.... Hyde and Jekyll cannot suddenly be shifted to another person. Neither soul is a "disease" you can hand onto someone else.

Archangel

@mathtans I agree. My concern would be whether she can keep a secret. She is a teenage girl, after all.

MK_Wizard

They are a person.

Archangel

And keeping a cool secret is hard at any age

MK_Wizard

They are two people.

Kei Esteban

indeed

mathtans

Archangel: She's pretty mature for her age though. Granted, she's also pretty outspoken. I don't think she'd say anything intentionally, but it might come out in the heart of the moment or something. (Which is maybe why she could accept not having been told.)

RebelVampire

i think emily could keep a secret. now will on the otherhand

MK_Wizard

So all theories of them being put onto someone else will not come to pass because that's impossible.

RebelVampire

will i would believe couldnt keep a secret cause hes even younger(edited)

Archangel

Perhaps with the materials to 'construct' a new body, and the proper spellwork, each can be embodied separately? Sort of a siamese twin operation?

Will is right out at his age.

Kei Esteban

Will being a kid, might even think it's cool (Which he would be right)(edited)

mathtans

So maybe one of them decides to sacrifice themselves for the good of the two of them. Jekyll already tried that once.

MK_Wizard

I won't say much about who can keep a secret, but in my experience, it goes with personality not age.

Archangel

I will say that almost nobody under the age of 10 can keep a secret in my experience. But aside from that, agreed.

mathtans

Yeah, I'm pretty sure Nellie couldn't keep a secret.

MK_Wizard

You've also seen that Hyde would never have that. He's not an active killer. And he loves Jekyll as a brother. He wouldn't kill him if he asked him to.

And taking over essentially does that.

Archangel

I'm not sure Nellie's bright enough to grasp the core concept XD

Kei Esteban

XD

Archangel

Here's a really trippy question, MK: do J&D have separate souls, or do they share one?

mathtans

(And I had to go to the cast page to look up the name, and now I see how "half troll" is right there in Drumwell's bio, nice.)

MK_Wizard

They have separate souls.

Archangel

Obviously their minds are separate, but I'm questioning their spiritual state in the technical sense

Okay, so it's reasonable to theorize that they could be separated and embodied separately. It would certainly take high magic, though.

MK_Wizard

The Hyde Formula has magical properties. For example, did you know that in reincarnation, the soul splits? Hence why some people who get reincarnated can be reincarnated as multiple people.

Archangel

I've never heard that.

mathtans

Well, if the original intention was a sort of "Disney" Jekyll and Hyde, maybe there will be a Disney ending? Somehow?

Archangel

Pillars of Eternity has this whole thing about souls fragmenting, but that's more like chips off a rock over time.

MK_Wizard

In the case of Jekyll and Hyde, Hyde came from a piece of Jekyll's own soul, but it became its own unique being.

Yes, You got it!

Archangel

Makes sense.

MK_Wizard

Keep in mind, even Disney endings aren't always perfect.

RebelVampire

the disney ending will be hyde and lucy riding off in a carriage with the just got married sign and jekyll will come to cause they decided to just make it a threesome

although that joke aside i wonder if jekyll and lucy will ever interact

MK_Wizard

Uh, no lol

Lucy is not Jekyll's type and Hyde would not share his woman with anyone.

Nor would Jekyll do that.

Jekyll is as monogamous as they come lol.

mathtans

Hmmm, and is it too late to ship Lucy and Emma?

Archangel

RV is right insofar as it would be interesting to see how Jeckyl and Lucy get along socially. I imagine that after some initial sounding out, they'll manage well enough. After all, Lucy is a lady and Jeckyl is a gentleman. That goes a long way.

lmao

Kei Esteban

It would be nice to see Jekyll meet someone new, that is actually good for him

Archangel

^

MK_Wizard

@mathtans That ship is solely wish fulfilment and a fan fantasy.

RebelVampire

i more wonder the social interaction cause that could make hyde jealous. if jekyll and lucy got along even if it was totally platonic

Archangel

Actually, someone like Emily would be very good for Jeckyl... in the sense of personality, not age.

mathtans

(I always ship the ladies... ) And actually, the thought that it's a fan fantasy already amuses me.

Archangel

Cue the "I ship it, I don't care" song

MK_Wizard

I made this comic knowing people would do ships if the comic caught on. All I say is that, as long as you accept that it is not the official storyline.

mathtans

Maybe Jekyll can be the best man at the Hyde/Lucy wedding?

Archangel

Only if Poole is the Father of the Bride

Otherwise J would slide down to second place IMO

mathtans

What's official is definitely up to the author. All the best with it! It's an interesting take.

MK_Wizard

Thanks

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- THURSDAY BOOK CLUB END!

Sadly, this wraps up this week’s Thursday Book Club chat for now. Thank you so much to everyone for reading and joining us! We want to give a special thank you to Marika Kapogeorgakis (or MK_Wizard), as well, for making MK’s The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. If you liked the comic, make sure to support Marika Kapogeorgakis (or MK_Wizard)’s efforts however you’re able to~!

Read and Comment: http://mksjekyllandhyde.thecomicseries.com/

Marika’s Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/MK_Wizard

Marika’s Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/mkwizard

Marika’s Storenvy: https://mkomics.storenvy.com/

Marika’s Gumroad: https://gumroad.com/MK_Wizard

Marika’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/MKJekyllAndHyde

[vivipuppy]

neil 4, 8 even though i've listened to his entire playlist, 16 bc ik u love his relationship w his moms, 20, 28, 32, 36, 44, 64, 68. brorre 6, 15, 21, 27, 33, 39, 45, 51, 57, 63, 69. moro 1, 10, 14, 22, 30, 34, 42, 46, 58. nyatalia 17, 25, 57!

Sho you madman. This is so many thank you. Im going to put these out based on the character, as to not just be a really shitty wall of text on my blog. isntead it will be 4 walls.

Neil, the Old One Warlock who, after falling from grace as the most intelligent person in the most intelligent city of the world, his paranoia and fear of the world around him turned up past 11

4) if they could learn one spell that isn’t available to them at present, which spell would it be? Neil ended as an 8th level warlock, so he never got to super high stuff. THE most neil spell is Maddening Darkness, the 8th level evocation spell. A 60 ft sphere of darkness that nothing can illuminate beyond 8th level or high spells. Filled with gibbering shrieks and mad laughter. Its not a very STRONG spell, but its a large area, and his inability to control his magic surfacing with aoe spells was a big thing for me to do with him, as well as the flavor just fitting so well.

8) 3 songs that fit them

Haha i always had so much trouble with neil's playlist. Always felt like too like... shitty whiny white boy music was so self depreciating and neil is, at his core, incapable of self depreciation. His ego is core to his character.

Still Feel by Half Alive will always be a neil song to me

Ramblings of a Lunatic by Bears in Trees is like... probably like. THE neil song to me.

And... i cant NOT include touch tone telephone right? the song that created him, despite it not really fitting him anymore? I cant not include that, its too important to creating him. He's as far away from the energies or themes of that song as possbile now, but i have to include it.

16) what are their feelings on the people who raised them? This is.... a very hard question. His moms love him, and he... loves them. But a big big part of what made him so obsessed with knowledge and the need to handle anything the collage put him through was because of them in the first place. He didnt have friends, he had them. And they pushed him to chase his dream, because it WAS his dream. He always saw that tower, and wanted to be there, because everyone who was anyone was going there. But when it became too much.... he couldnt let them down. They were his only support and he was an adult now who could see that they were getting older and unable to get out of their intense poverty that he couldnt just NOT finish his schooling. And he... he resents that. But he knows its not fair, but he still does. He loves them, but they're the only ones, so that becomes a problem. 20) which of the five senses do they rely on the most? Sound. Tell when a spell is cast, tell how many footprints, and most importantly- when he listens to peoples thoughts, thats the Only thing you can trust. Is when you sneak into their mind and hear their true thoughts. Actions cant be trusted, thats easy. He knows how to lie- everyone does, then. Sound. Just gotta open up your ears to hear more than people think they do

28) who would they kill? who would they kill for? Who? anyone, really. Which sounds crass, which sounds cold, but... neil would never take the life of an innocent unless it garunteed the saftey of more than the one he had to take. His cold logic is harsh, but in the end, the results are proven. And for who? Well... for Justice, Buck and Cho of course. He cant do what he set out to do alone, and whether they agree or even have the same goal, he knows they'll listen if he tries to make them. And together they can accomplish a lot.

32) Do they seek control? Or do they want less of it? Whoooo boy another tough one. He wants control. He needs it. But... but if he could release it completely.... thats what he REALLY wants. But... but he doesnt trust another soul as much as he trusts himself. HE can do things NOBODY else can. So HE is the one who needs control. HE must do it. Nobody else can be trusted to. But really, deep down... if he could just let go of the magic... if he could stop staring at the stars that whisper to him how small he is... he would. In a heartbeat. But he cant just let go. He has to do this. He is the only one he can trust to.

36) whats a secret that they kept? TBH NONE mmgf he's so.... he was meant to hold onto his big secret stuff of becoming a warlock for a Long time, but it kinda came out the first time it came under pressure by people he couldnt just run from. If anything, id say his ex is a sore spot, but not necessarily a SECRET he's keeping.

44) what do they need to learn? go back to 32 and read that. He needs to get off his high fucking horse. Even though hes come SO far in letting other people INTO his life, i genuienly dont know if he'll ever let go of his ego in the way he needs to. Its the only thing that protected him for the years he was alone, and even before that it was such a good thing to have people look up to you the way he did. His ego is important because without it, i genuinely think he would just... crumble and not... do... anything. And really, that would be for the best, if he could let it stay that way and find happiness as a normal person. But he cant be a normal person. He has to be Polaris Neil, Walking Encyclopedia, Book King of Stuenia. Or else who is he, if not that?

64) Do they value justice or mercy more? well Justice is the name of his friend. Also... mercy? mercy gets you nothing. Mercy is the act of not following through.Justice? yeah. Yeah the guy whos killed innocents and will kill again should be stopped. its simple mathmatics. To hurt people is wrong. So he shall stop it.

68) What was the best moment of their life? ... I mean. It... was probably being accepted into the college... the joy he felt then was amazing... he finally got what he wanted... his mothers made a delicious stew, and hugged him tightly and talked about all the memories they shared of looking at that giant tower that loomed over them, that ruled their lives in ways they couldnt control. He was going to become a part of it. Its all he ever wanted, it was going to change his life. and i mean, it did, didnt it?

[flippinoptimist]

> Vel / Sawbones, pt 1

[askguyslikeus]

oh shit yall send lots of questions hoo nelly answering almost all of them under the cut ,,, im gunan try and answer more technical ones first then fun ones and ones about the mod later so u dont gotta scroll all the way to the bottom for the good deets

Hi! I'm still kinda new to the blog and I was wondering what are the 'do and do-not' kind question I should do? Because im sure theres always that one ask thats just Innapropiated, like that one of Michael 'taking advantage og high Jeremy' that was just not cool.  i got this ask a lot so ill be clear with yall. im just not a big angst fan? so sending michael asks about his anxiety nonstop and about how he had a panic attack in the bathroom over and over again wasnt that fun. usually if it pertains the musical though you should be find sending an ask about it? but sometimes i get asks that are like “jeremy ur nothing and how does it feel knowing u fucked everything up” like homie how i think its feels? how u think hes gunna react to that? i made this blog to negate a lot of negativity in my own life so i can promise u im going to be answering asks mostly positive always forever. that being said tho i sometimes get asks pertaining to a few things that ive dealt with in the past and these topics make me very very uncomfortable. dont send asks about these topics please. this is the no no list

-self harm, cancer, suicide, rape, parent death, car accidents, sudden death.

What was your inspiration for this blog? hoo boy well,,, ultimately i thought of them rooming together and got emotional and made a huge list of headcanons and was like ,,, why not run an askblog for a bit ill just abandon it after three asks lets have some fun. but somehow im still here and i got sucked in by the complexity of michael and jeremy. i know that sounds kinda silly but just, as someone who is dealing with a lot of similar things, like dependency issues and abandonment issues and depression and anxiety, having these fun functioning character to explore was such a gift for me. i believe honestly thats why im still here and doing this. being able to try and portray a healthy relationship and a healthy way of coping and growing has helped me a lot this past month and given me an outlet i didnt have before. TBH THO the main reason i made this blog if imma be real with u guys id because i didnt like the treatment of a lot of these issues in the fandom. it made me very upset to see depression used as an plot device and michaels dependency issues treated as romantic so i wanted to make a blog that had little to no angst. ANYWAYS somehow im still here ,,, gvrkjvrnkjfd sorry i rambled

honestly I just wanna say first that I love his blog and your art and you're so cool and kind!! a question would be (I'm not sure if you've answered this before or not) but is there like an on going story here, or is it mostly just answering questions with the characters set in this universe? (if that makes sense I'm sorry!) thank you, you're super awesome! ❤️  djrnjg first off thank u so much aaaa,, ive kind of answered this before but its ok its been a while since then! but um i do kinda have a story but how howdy i sure am dragging my feet. the story isn a hUGE OVERARCHING EPIC OF WOE AND THIS PERSON IS UPSET AND THIS PERSON IS MAD AT THIS PERSON its just michael and jeremy getting together. i have a plan and ive talked to a few people on how i want it to happen but ive gained like ,,,, 6,000 followers since then and im kinda nervous BUT ILL DO MY BEST but also please understand that i do this for fun for myself and if i dont get to it im so so so sorry woops

i know this has been said before but i'm really really happy w how you're handling so many aspects of their characters. i.e. michael being trans, michael and jeremy's anxiety, michael's dependency issues, and other stuff i'm too tired to think of. you made the characters have even more depth than they did in the play and i'm rly grateful for the way you're dealing w my favorite boys. (also your richjake is suuuper adorable) ahhhhhh thank u so much? i talked a bit about this on my main but im really glad people are happy with my decision on this blog because im suPER SUPER NERvous anytime i post an ask dealing with these things. (ask hachi or nate i always message them like freaking out and send them my scripts and asks and wait for them to tell me its ok before i post it omg) also like i talked about before i love,,, having these fun stoner gamer boys to explore these issues with. im honestly shocked by how many people also deal with dependency issues because when i first listened to the musical i was so overwhlemed by the song michael int he bathroom because i had never heard someone basically write “dependency issue: the song” and it felt so so so good to realize i wasnt alone in this pit of despair i fall into so easily aha. but im!! glad everyone is ok with this wild ride im on right now (also thank u so much i struggle writing rich and jake but i get so emotional cause they would TOTES call each other babe)

how come you just use sketch form for most of your drawing (sketches and uses sketch for the final result)? im ,,, not really sure what this is asking but i thnk its along the lines of why do i only sketch my answers?? and i do that because dude do u see how often i post and how lONG some of them are. i made this blog for fun and i love doing comics but i hate lineart and coloring and if i tried to churn out finished pics for every post id defs have given up a few asks in,, shrugs

I want to say I love your little comics they're so funny! How long does it take you to make a comic? Are any of them based on your experiences? Ok have a nice day!  thank you! i love my little comics too! it usually takes me anywhere from an hour to five hours if im dragging my ass or talking on discord while im drawing. it can be kinda exhausting but since i took my break ive also been like, starting long comics one day and finishing them another day which, before i would do it all in one sitting then post it hahha. AS FOR EXPERIENCE the first half of the lifeguard comic was based on real life! we were stuck stoned up there for like an hour or two? but we didnt have anyone to help us but we got down eventually!! the wendys comic is also something i did because man!! i need to compliment food workers if they do a good job!! ummmmm just like jenna i also have a friend that said HAHA BYE and moved to cali and she is also lIVING IT UP and doing really well for herself and shes very independent and shes very inspiring to me! hmm i think thats it besides i used to have movie nights with my dad all the time too except we would watch my fave animated movies and sometimes lord of the rings cause my dad loved that

What kinds of things can we NOT ask ? What kinds of things do you WANT us to ask ? i covered the what not to ask in the first question so!!! um if my askbox is open and u want to respond to previous asks ive answered for the boys that would be so so so rad. sometimes im done with a certain ask and i have nothing to add but sometimes ive got more to say but am looking for an opportunity! that being said it made me really happy that i got a lot of asks about pj? shes not going to the main focus of any more asks but!!! i was nervous to introduce her and im glad u guys like her shes fun to write. but overall just general asks i can make a big ol fun story out of so!! dont worry too much about what to ask, if its something ud ask a real person and not like “lol what if ur dad died” ur gunna be fine probably

Hi! Not a question but your blog is so sweet and refreshing! I actually really appreciate that you refuse angst, that stuff tends to rub me the wrong way in fandoms... Keep taking good care of these boys ! gggg thank u!!! it means a lot to me that a lot of people are backing me up on this! i mean if u are an angst fan there are a lot of askblogs that explore that!! so its not in short supply bmc askblog fandoms got something for everyone

Which drawing program do you use?? i use paint tool sai and my tablet is a cintiq !!

this isn't really related to the faq but that bakunawa boy reference was great I LOVE THAT FIC MAN!!! the line was originally a little diff in that ask but i changed it cause ,,,, i could,,,,

an art style question. how do you keep the design of characters consistent from frame to frame? my characters they look a lil different every time I draw em (or a lot different) and it tends to disrupt the flow of my comics/animations ohh boy hoo wee props for doing animations im too scared to give that a whirl but!! it helps that i draw all the panels for an ask on one canvas! so if my next panel is going to be the same character in the same spot just in a diff pose i keep the lower layer on just at low opacity so i can use it as a ref! that helps me a lot!

Sorry if I'm nosy or rude, but are you reflecting Micheal Anxiety, Panic attacks and depence? iii think this is asking if i reflect my own issues onto them boys? and if so then yes i do. i dont place any of my own personality or anything on the boys but i do use them as a way to help me learn how to cope with my own shit and i try to deal with their issues in the healthiest way possible while also keeping in mind they are flawed individuals aaa

what are your pronouns??? and maybe your main blog??  im a cis girl so she/her is good! and my main is squigglegigs! also that being said IF YOU SEE THE USERNAME SQUIGGLEGIGS ANYWHERE JUST?? ASSUME ITS ME?? i have a twitter and an instagram and my tumblr account 

((Hello mod will Michael and Jeremy eventually someday get together. I love them.)) if all goes according to plan yes! if i get overwhelmed and stop having fun on this blog then no! sorry thems the breaks but! i do want them to get together so HOPEFULLY

going off on that confrience on pornogrefy for birds, Im geussing jeremy has played Hatoful Boyfriend. am I wrong? well it wasnt intended as that ref and i dont know anything about hatoful boyfriend but i can see jerm finding it and playing it so, sure homie! the pornography for birds thing is a my brother my brother and me reference! i love that show and them boys so give it a scope!

I'm crying bcuz Michael said he's in love with Jeremy and it's beautiful yeah that boy is DEEP IN love with his bro bro

Any advice for running an ask blog?? (Ps i love this blog keep it up) personally whats worked for me so far is doing just sketches for art. honestly ive been able to work so much more and post so much more often while also trying to work on my expressions and poses! also taking my own experiences and shaping them to fit the characters has been SO MUCH FUN. th most important thing tho is,,, dont overwork urself dude. if ur having a fun time it shows. if ur just forcing urself to churn out material and its not fun? like shit we doing this for free dont push urself? idk idk overall being looser with my art and writing the dialogue before hand has been the most helpful for me for this askblog! ive run a bunch before including @ask-maz and ive run that sporadically for ,, three or four years? its so funny cause u can see my art style juMP AROUND SO MUCH but i love that blog and i only update it like every other month or so but?? i still like doing it and no on likes those posts but it makes me smile so ANYWAYS

~ok from here on its mostly just me replying to nice messages or people asking me personal questions that dont pertain to askguyslikeus so!!~

I just wanted to say I really really love your blog and just your art in general!! Keep up the good work and hope you're having fun! thank u!!! i am having fun and im glad u enjoy it!!

What other musicals do you like? :0  i really like heathers A LOT. i also like doctor horrible i know thats not technically a musical but i just relistened to it and im emotional. i like dear evan hansen but it makes me really sad so i can only take it in moderation! ummm rent? chicago?? music man? now im just naming musicals i was in rip. being in a musical fandom is a new thing to me? i was really into heathers last year but didnt really interract with the fandom at SO THIS IS SUPER NEW?? ive never been into a musical as much as im into bmc and heathers tho

tell us a little bit about urself!! u seem v cool i am squigs or fork!! im 24 and work fulltime as a barista at starbucks! i get high on the beach with my friend gwen a lot and drink wayy to many slushies, my tv shows are brooklyn nine nine and bobs burgers right now! i table at conventions sometimes and sell my art as merch and whatnot and i cosplay as a hobby as well. im pretty boring but i draw a lot and always carry my big sketchbook with me and im pretty sure its given me back issues BUT OH WELL HAHA also i am very not cool THE TRUTH COMES OUT

Who do you most relate to from bmc and why? like ,,, a mix of michael and christine with a sprinkle of jeremy i guess ahaha i relate to michaels dependency issues and overarching positive attitude and love of music, i relate to christines bright disposition and the need to not stick to one set thing? like she loves theater cause she can be sO MANY PEOPLE and like same homie thats why i cosplay. and jeremys need to be likes while also ability to put himself out there is very relatable. i also identify strongly with his dad issues idk idk whats good

Also -- just thank you for how you handled all the panic attack and anxiety attack asks. I used to deal with anxiety attacks multiple times a day and it just was really nice that it was positive and not them having one. Thank you, sincerely. ahhhhhh ur so welcome i,,, have anxiety and it sucks and i deal with panic attacks like everyday at work so i dont really wanna come home and draw someone having one i guess? im glad its helping other people too tho!

Dude- I love your art? Actually so much? It's... I love it. The whole sketch-ish way your art style is, and the way you color, and the expressions! I'm so glad I found your work - you've given me so much inspiration. Keep doin what you're doin and I hope you have a good day! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH ANytime any one compliments my expressions i die cause i legit made this blog to help with that as well ,,, like dam

im lvoe ur art style b o i :0 !!!!!!

Mod, I love you so much I love you you have my soul and my love and my eternal gratitude thank you and I love you (This is the guy who was excited about PJ on your ig live stream a while ago and I love you) !!!!!!!!! im so happy u like my content omg and that u like pj im so glad!! shes a good bean

I just wanna say... I'm crying over that post about Michael and his anxiety? cuz I know how it can feel that you're only your flaws and weaknesses, but Michael just tells that to screw off in the most wonderful way and I'm?? thank you so much for that post, I bookmarked it for future times when I can't look past my depression... honestly, that post made my day (along with every other post on this blog), thank you for being such a lovely part of this fandom ,,,, im,,,, im scared of a lot of this fandom tbh but if i can be something good that come out of it and my love of these boys and desire to show them functioning together in a healthy way can help other people its so much more than i ever thought id ever be able to do. i am blown away everyday by the support ive been given on this blog and i might be crying right now because i never thought id be able to touch other people like this and i just. im really glad yall are here with me for all this.

(To the mod: You are a beautiful person that I highly respect. I love this blog and what you set out to do. thanks for giving something that makes me smile and gives me something to look forward to everyday, keep up the good work! ❤ ) hey im still crying from the previous ask aaaaa im honestly so emotional

what are ur true feelings for wendy's??? i fucking love wendys man thats some top tier fast food right there

what fast food restaurant do you think has the best nuggets WENDYS HANDS DOWN

do you have a favorite movie? paranorman makes me very nostalgic and ive seen it like eighty times and used to watch it with my dad a lot and i love it

I would just like you to know that your Wendy's comic prompted me to pull the same thing with a bakery in the town I'm visiting and the baker got so excited and happy, so thank you for making that comic because I made that woman's day. GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD GOOD I LOVE WHEN PEOPLE COMPLIMENT ME WHEN IM WORKING DUDE LIKE IM SO GLAD IT MADE U DO THIS!!! IM SMILING REALLY BIG!!

chocolate milk or strawberry milk? or plain? woops i hate milk im so sorry

do u love michael mell with all of ur heart, mod?  i really truly do man what a fucking good ass character

hi squigs i love you! i love your content too and i hope u have a good day pal :>  WHAT A SWEET BEAN!!! THANK YOU?? OMG

I'm just saying that recent ask you did with Michael really hit me hard because I really related to it and I started crying because it made me realize that I've been pining my self worth on everything my anxiety causes and I'm so much more than that. Thank you, so much for that I really needed it because I'm in a really bad place right now. <3 -for the mod i legit cry everytime i get asks or dms like this cause once again the idea that im helping other people is so ovwehelming i love you??? i let myself just be”depressed” for ahwile and by that i mean i just,, let my sadness consume me and i was scared of getting better cause the sadness was all i knew for so long and just. its so easy to think u are ur illness but you are so much more. soooo much more man.

I relate A Lot to Michael so the way you portray him in the blog is really good, and I think it's really awesome you refuse to like?? do terrible stuff and answer bad questions just bc people wanna see that. You run this blog really well 👌  AHHHH THis is the biggest compliment thank u so much ,,, i get real anxious bout this blog soemtiems but then yall send me sweet things like this and its worth it man

Hey mod, just know you're a really cool person. Thanks for running this blog in the first place. Keep doing the great work.  thank you!!!! for ur support!!!! 

not really a question!! i just wanted to say your posts on this blog always brighten my day and you're really an incredible artist and person, keep rockin on my dude!! *clutching my heart* the fuck this is so sweet

1 .I just wanted to say your blog is really awesome! It's very lovely. I also like how you made michael trans and like handled it? (just with how all the characters treat him and stuff its v nice). Your art is super duper! Thanks for running this awesome blog! 2. Hey! This isn't a question but I wanted to say that I appreciate michael being trans!! As a trans boy it's just rly awesome to see something like that casually thrown into an ask blog without making it a huge weird deal :D immm,,, i kinda really love the idea of michael being trans cause a lot of my trans male friends are actually pretty confident in their skin and michael is a very confident character? and u rarely see that with trans representation and its so refreshing to see it portrayed well. im trying to do that here but again if! i do anything wrong let me know!

how did you first get into art? (also i really love your blog, it's amazing!) ive been drawing as long as i remember! ive got mad adhd and wasnt diagnosed until late in ym life so i would just draw nonstop in my classes ahaha i used to read the sunday comics a lot and they really inspired me to try and make comics of my own too!! (and omg thank u) 

someone also asked me if i went to church or was religious but tumblr ate the ask but i used to go to church a lot as a kid but im currently not religious at all aaa

ok holy shit that was a lot but thanks again to everyone i legit cry a lot about how supportive u all are thank u so much aaaa

[saintkimora]

well here is how work was on saturday and sunday

so first is saturday! it was a pretty good day. i got like 3 credit cards i think. i actually dont remember much about it but i do remember that it was the day i officially realized i have a crush on one of my managers! his name is steve and he is REALLY cute and he has such a fun personality! and his hair looks really good and he has such a nice ass and hes nice to me even though i know hes only so nice bc the strategy for the managers here is to use positive reinforcement to motivate the workers. also him, my coworker juliet, and i were all talking about fruit in the break room and he literally asked “are grapes a fruit?” now THAT is a man

so i got in that day and i saw the other iconic manager sarah and she was talking to someone so when i came in she stopped and she was like “hi perry!” and then she turned to the person she was talking to and said “hes my favorite” which was nice. and then she was telling me about our goals for today and she was like we need these credit cards today so she told me to “go sprinkle my perry dust everywhere and get these cards” and thats exactly what i did at first! i got 2 v quickly but then i kinda flopped for the rest of the day so i felt bad about that but then i got one more towards the end. the store as a whole only got 4 credit cards that day and the only other one was from steve. so i was kinda happy bc even though we didnt reach our goal (the goal was like 11 i think) i still did relatively well compared to my coworkers

and also i got so many compliments on my shirt that day, from both my coworkers and the customers! and that made me v happy bc caleb told me all my clothes were ugly but here i am getting all these compliments from my coworkers and customers and even customers who arent even at my register! so i wonder who the one with bad taste really is. that reminds me steve also complimented me on my shirt that day which made me happy he was like “perry you are always killing it with these shirts” again i know as a manager he has ulterior motives for being so nice to me but idc it still feels good to have a man be nice to me again 

speaking of caleb at one point i saw a customer and he literally looked just like caleb from behind so i thought it was really him and i almost had a heart attack like even after i realized it wasnt him i was still sooooooo nervous which was annoying bc i was hoping that he wouldnt have as much of an effect on me anymore but it seems im still kinda scared of him. and i have been getting kinda sad about him lately bc even though i know it wasnt entirely my fault that the relationship became what it did i cant help but think about all the things i did wrong and all the areas in which i fell short as a boyfriend that lead to him losing interest in me. thats also why i like work bc it keeps my mind occupied so i dont have to think about those things as much

anyways! during my breaks i did talk to my coworker juliet a little and it was so much fun!! and as i said earlier steve joined us at one point and we were all talking and it was really nice. and at one point juliet asked me if i liked milk and i was like no and she actually set me up bc steve got like mad about it bc he really likes milk apparently hes so cute lol

and now for sunday! i only worked like 4 hours and 45 minutes that day. BUT i got 5 credit cards!!!! and the store as a whole only got 7! nut. the other 2 were from my coworker yolemny who was kinda cold to me that day but she seemed to be in a bad mood in general so i didnt take it personally. but i was so MAD bc this one girl was gonna sign up for a card but she didnt have her id on her and if she did i would have gotten 6 cards which wouldve been a personal best for me

i was still happy about it though, like i got the first 4 in my first 2 hours and during the hourly updates over the walkies nicole (another one of the managers) was like “perry got 4 cards so far and hes only been here 2 hours so he is showing that it can be done. so we need everyone to keep pushing these cards” and honestly it was iconic bc at one point yolemny was on the register next to me and we were literally getting back to back cards together! and for the other hourly updates steve would refer to me as the man on fire since i was getting so many cards

like it really makes me happy when the managers praise me so much. like i know these managers probably dont actually like me and are just being so nice bc its part of their strategy to keep me happy and motivated so i keep getting cards for them. but still, it feels nice to actually be good at something for once since ive been sucking at everything ive tried to do for like the past year. and even if their kindness isnt genuine it still makes me feel accepted which is greatly appreciated since ive felt so alone for pretty much the past year and a half (excluding the 2 months where my relationship w caleb was good). so yeah i really like this job and i like the managers and my coworkers and i like feeling useful and important to someone again, even if its just because im good at getting people to apply for credit cards. so yeah i actually look forward to work now bc i get to be good at something and i get to see steve and i get to talk to my coworkers!

so thats pretty much it. i dont have work again until friday. i do have a meeting w my therapist tm so that will be fun. i might finally be going out w the new grindr guy this week too, but ive kinda already given up on that bc i dont really know how to talk to him and im 99% sure hes not gonna like me that much, but if anything at least itll get me out of the house for a few hours. i am also gonna start going to my schools gym! im gonna schedule an appointment to have like an “orientation” tour type thing where someone shows you how to do everything since i have no idea how to work out. im really nervous about it but i might be able to get danielle to go with me that way i dont have to do it alone so if she goes it could be fun! its just bc i want something to do since i still have way too much free time for my liking. and i might as well try to get more fit that way i can look better in all the cute clothes i want and hopefully find a man easier. so thats my plan for the week! 

[trouvvaille]

[[I want this here for reasons... i love this so much, and it needs to go on this blog]]

vvicissitudo hey meen hey did u see im on for nearly fivve days noww

brackishbarracuda im proud tbh

vvicissitudo yeah? i feel accomplished

brackishbarracuda how long have I wanted u to interact w ppl istf

vvicissitudo i mean i wwouldn't call this accomplished but i feel that wway

brackishbarracuda I do shut up

brackishbarracuda don't actually shut up

vvicissitudo ahaha i lovve you i aint really TALKIN to people offerin idle comments maybe

brackishbarracuda it's a start

vvicissitudo yeah yeah it is am i uh doin good

brackishbarracuda you could stand to loosen up a bit

vvicissitudo yeah true but u kno me prickly af they gotta get thru the hard shell first

brackishbarracuda it helps when you give em half a chance

brackishbarracuda they aint gotta b best buds right off the bat u can b a casual friend

vvicissitudo u really think im bein TOO prickly

brackishbarracuda i just want u to have a chance to get out more clams

vvicissitudo i like wwhere im at

vvicissitudo besides most a these guys they aint gonna be here in six perigees

brackishbarracuda casual friendship enjoy em while it lasts get a decent conversation an if they dont come back oh well

vvicissitudo i guess so hmm but half a them aint replied to me or commented on my followw

brackishbarracuda so let it go and start another one later ppl got lives

brackishbarracuda whats up w u tho

vvicissitudo listenin to music up top lookin at the wavves s gonna rain not storm i think just rain

brackishbarracuda u wanna go for a swim when it starts

vvicissitudo shore its alwwavves nice

brackishbarracuda what uh

brackishbarracuda I mean we ain't talked reely much

vvicissitudo do wwe gotta?

brackishbarracuda and I got quads commin outta my ears

vvicissitudo ahaha that u do wwhat wwould wwe talk aboat me still feelin shitty ovver the other night? cause thats a thing

brackishbarracuda we aint gotta

vvicissitudo there aint much i feel that needs t be talked aboat

besides the wwhole thing ww... that.

i feel guilty

is it my fault?? wwhat can i do for that

but uh

other than that, nah. storms an rain an wwavves are good

talkin about that spill earlier tho got me itchy ZZ3B\

brackishbarracuda ive been takin deep breaths and movin em

vvicissitudo yeah

does that help

brackishbarracuda no

vvicissitudo tried pourin spring wwater dowwn my neck

felt nice but ddn't wwork

brackishbarracuda I just been tryin naut to think aboat it sometimes they ain't wanna open and I half panic for a second also it ain't ur fault also what do you think about the bouys 38/

vvicissitudo thats terrifyin to think aboat

noww i gotta open mine up an check em

ugh

wwhat you really think so?

an uh, wwhich bouys

brackishbarracuda yeah u didnt force her hand she fucked up an she shoulda been straight w him and i tried to fuckin tell her that but no an the clowns

vvicissitudo They're good. I aint too much talkin to em yet Tho uh.

Wwhich clowwns

brackishbarracuda clams the two im datin zee and arlequin

vvicissitudo I kno that... Just wwondered

Theres a lotta clowwns U kno i nevver paid much attention to em

brackishbarracuda would u

vvicissitudo Pay attention? Noww, yeah, I'm startin to

brackishbarracuda theyre good people

brackishbarracuda an i want u to be a part a all a my life vvicissitudo

i wwant to be part of it all a it i didn't followw any clowwns before an noww that i do

its hard

vvicissitudo i keep seein the text, the wways they talk an i see you happy an i feel bitter aboat me because you're my happiness u got a full house im glad for u

brackishbarracuda nearly anyway

vvicissitudo i just hate myshellf rn its nothin that

vvicissitudo its nothin to wworry aboat itll pass

brackishbarracuda i alwaves worry aboat you

vvicissitudo i hate wwhat loz did meen i hate it i think i'd rather havve just had one heartbreak to deal wwith i didn't evven get any closure i got to kiss him once i got to hold him as he fuckin died along wwith you an wwhere does that leavve me

vvicissitudo in limbo wwaitin wwonderin wwheres my makara wwheres my red wwheres the one wwhose gonna fill that hole an then i see ur makaras an i feel terrible cause i don't

vvicissitudo want to get to knoww them because i knoww ill just get hurt an i knoww they aint mine evven if i wwant them to be part of this family an its part a wwhat i posted aint no one talked to me last night i mentioned arlequin once in his owwn post

vvicissitudo that other captor  nevver replied to me evven after i said somethin that other ampora, the wwhiny one he liked posts datin back a wwhole swweep an pike a hundred posts besides im trying, i swwear for you but i dont my heart aint in it i dont i don't knoww wwhat to do here anymoray

brackishbarracuda you keep tryin

vvicissitudo been almost a wweek a godamn record that ivve been on doin social things

brackishbarracuda an im proud a u for it

vvicissitudo i got you thats al i got its all i wwant

brackishbarracuda an im tryin my damdest to help u change it

vvicissitudo i aint wwant to be hurt no more meen

vvicissitudo prince or princess charmin is comin to me this tide i wwanna knoww ur makaras but not ovver social media i wwanna knoww em wwhen they're ovver for tea or  sleepovvers or meetin the kids or meetin me

vvicissitudo it feels useless. *i* feel useless

brackishbarracuda you dont want to know where id b without you

vvicissitudo youd be sadder

vvicissitudo probubbly givven up by now

brackishbarracuda id be dead

vvicissitudo wwhat about ur cro

brackishbarracuda what the fuck about him

vvicissitudo wwould he havve found you or wwould you havve been dead beshore then

brackishbarracuda long fuckin before then

vvicissitudo wwhat wwould havve happened i can see u runnin urself into the ground

brackishbarracuda runnin myself into the ground bitin off more than i can chew gettin pissed and sad and naut havin a good enough reason to naut do stupid shit

brackishbarracuda every single tide you patched me up every single tide youve found me when i was low every tide you talked me outta somefin or made sure i was safe i mean fuck clams you saw what i looked like w/o u for a fuckin perigee

brackishbarracuda efin if id never met you you know how closed off i was how angry id have gotten into a fight i couldnt handle burned myself from the inside out

brackishbarracuda itd a been the oil clams

brackishbarracuda efin if naut literally cept thered b nobody to clean me up to carry me home to show me what the fuck home /was/

brackishbarracuda i wouldnt a had the kids oar you oar vis

brackishbarracuda you are fuckin necessary

vvicissitudo u wwouldn't havve evven had loz wwould u i i just realized that it wwas cause a me you met

vvicissitudo wwasn't it the first big thing wwas wwhen tavv tried to "help" me

brackishbarracuda i woulda had rez and fangs and they woulda left me and thats it

vvicissitudo yeah. wwhat about noww

brackishbarracuda i aint efin shore i woulda had sally

vvicissitudo pike are you happy noww

brackishbarracuda all i know is i aint happy w/o u

vvicissitudo awwww

brackishbarracuda youve literally saved my life so many dam tides mine and sallys and the wrigs does that sound useless to you

vvicissitudo you an the wwrigs are the only ones wwho seem to appreciate me yes, you're the only ones wwho count really an truly u remember wwhen u took me to that play

brackishbarracuda yeah

vvicissitudo an they stood in a roww an thanked us personally for comin i wwant that i wwant it all the tide i wwant people appreciatin me i tell people im wworkin on somethin to make helmsmens livves after the helm better i get "its impossible"

brackishbarracuda that aint a good example clams u kno how hard it is to accept good shit when it aint in your hand

vvicissitudo i tell people im a docterror an a chemical engineer an i get "so wwhat else do you do" i tell people im a reader a wwriter

vvicissitudo a pacifist an i get blank stares an topic changes i get fivve note threads on this hellsite an then nothin thats howw it alwavves goes

brackishbarracuda did u think for a minute that maybe ur just ten levels above everybody else an they aint kno how to talk aboat that shit

vvicissitudo i mention my name an people are pike "who" an i gotta say "eridan" before they realize an then they assume wwrongly a me i aint wwanna be smart if it means no one wwants to talk to me

brackishbarracuda ur doin good shit clams bc ur smart

brackishbarracuda bc a whats happened to u and who you are

vvicissitudo am i a good person

brackishbarracuda betta than me by a long shot

vvicissitudo wwhy i dont wwant to be better than u i wwant to be ur equal

brackishbarracuda then get me to where u are and dont u dare lower urself for anybody

vvicissitudo > You're stunned into silence for a bit.

brackishbarracuda i aint the best person in the world i aint that smart

brackishbarracuda im shit at p much anyfin that aint kissin somebody oar fightin em you aint

vvicissitudo or makin someone feel good aboat themselvves u do a damn good job of that

brackishbarracuda shut up for a second that aint the point

vvicissitudo im cryin AND laughin ill havve u knoww

brackishbarracuda good 3B* point is you deserve a crown more than i ever have

vvicissitudo wwhhat

brackishbarracuda you can patch ppl up and help people w real cod dam problems w real applications you kno history and all that shit you read you write you study ur in ur lab u work hard too hard but u aint a useless bump a log

vvicissitudo but you aint wwanna rule

brackishbarracuda do i look like i could manage anyfin close to rullin rn by myself

vvicissitudo that aint the point u don't WWANNA rule

vvicissitudo period do you??

brackishbarracuda why do you think i asked dirk to let me do political shit

vvicissitudo but wwas that because u foresaww this convversation or because you wwant to

brackishbarracuda its pike i told him im tired a runnin

vvicissitudo yeah?

brackishbarracuda yeah

brackishbarracuda idk wtf good is gonna come outta it but

vvicissitudo i can name good

vvicissitudo u bein by my side me being by ur side are you sure u wwanna do this last chance to back out u knoww

brackishbarracuda i aint got nofin to rule clams its kinda far from a last chance but yeah

vvicissitudo alright then

vvicissitudo so uh wwhat rule wwhat the wwhole planet?? this uh provvince, this continent, this bit of planet wwe call home i mean theres things wwe gotta think of

brackishbarracuda hb we just start w the bit were on yeah

vvicissitudo so wwe need to get scoutin parties together to see HOWW big it is an if anyone else livves on it an if anyone else livves on it then we gotta dispute

vvicissitudo buy their land rom em in exchange for goods or services a emperor aint bein servved hes servvin others pike wwe provvide food or electricity an they trade us

brackishbarracuda clams calm down

vvicissitudo ideally rn wwe feed their family/take care a their land in exchange for their servvices in helpin us scout out- wwhat oh

brackishbarracuda do u kno how many tides i had to retype clams calm bc lemme tell u

vvicissitudo uh oops

brackishbarracuda too much at once aight lets just

brackishbarracuda keep our shit to ourselves baby steps yeah

vvicissitudo babysteps yeah ideally this thing wwe livve on is only an island otherwwise wwe got barriers to wworry about pike cae said

brackishbarracuda either plan on defendin what u got or be ready to run right i aint runnin

vvicissitudo i lovve u <>

vvicissitudo u an ur beautiful soul

brackishbarracuda i love you too

brackishbarracuda <> <><><><><><><><><><><> aight im done im good thats outta my system

vvicissitudo thank you for listenin

brackishbarracuda you aint quaded to me for my looks 3B*

vvicissitudo damn right im quadded to u because of u

[wdfa]

coming back from winter break like HELLO NAUGHTY CHILDREN ITS RELAPSE TIME

warning for... um. lots of stuff. a loooot of self hate/negative self talk. internalized transphobia/cissexism. discussions of sexual experiences (not in detail). menstruation mention. depression and symptoms.

im struggling so hard rn ugh so many Symptoms.. especially with feelings of worthlessness!!!!!!! like i just feel like im annoying ppl with just my existence!!!! UGH like i know it’s irrational bc so many ppl love and care about me and they have voiced these facts as well as affirmed them through actions! and they continue to do so! it kinda has a lot to do with my dysphoria? im not sure how to like. explain it??? because there is Context.

last saturday my frat had a brothers-only party and it was fun and cute and i had Such a Good Time because i love my brothers! some alumni came too like i got to see my grandbig again and my 2 adopted grandbigs LMAO... one is dating my gbig so she’s step-gbig i guess not adopted? but the other one is in my family line, and he has 2 “real” grandlittles but he adopted me and one of my fifth (?) cousins. ANYWAYS it was really tender because that literally happened that night, he said “as far as im concerned, i have 4 grandlittles... plates, kali, billy, and u” and im not kidding i almost cried it touched my salty ass heart. and that was pretty much the theme of the night, just me loving on everyone and everyone loving on me! 

i was kind of worried about that tbh because i was wearing one of those douchey ridiculously large arm-hole tshirts and my scars were pretty visible,,,, but like everyone was really cool about them like i got some compliments actually haha mostly they were just like “aw im so happy for u/proud of u” but one of my older bros (who happens to also be a bass!!) said smth like “yo those are really cool thats so hardcore!” which pleasantly surprised me because he’s a very aloof and sarcastic kind of person, so getting something genuine was really neat. and so much good happened that night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it was great!!!!!!!!!! but also like. ugh. i guess more context needed. 

in my pledge class of 7 only 2 of us were virgins and im one of them. like ive literally never had any Sexual experience, and it was always because i was never comfortable enough with my own body due to dysphoria. even when u get past that my high school was fucking tiny so who was going to love my fat trans ass 8^) and my pbro’s situation was a little different, but he’s gay and his high school was similar so he never had the option to explore anything either. and we were like. together on that u know? i had kind of accepted that it wasnt realistic for me to want things like that, and while that realization hurt, i knew that i had someone in the same boat. but then he goes and loses his virginity!!!!! and this is where i get MESSY LMAO IM NOT READY FOR THIS BUT HERE GOES

first of all i want to say that i am 100% happy for him because he’s my friend i will support him until the end of time and he told us it was important for him finally being able to celebrate himself and grow up and operate with sexual/personal autonomy and live his own DAMN LIFE and im so so SO proud of him for that!! and i HATE myself so FUCKING MUCH for being selfish and feeling this way and taking something so important to someone i love and making it about myself, but. now its like im left behind. i hate this feeling so fucking much i hate being left behind/forgotten about/ignored/excluded from anything and everything. and now this is something that everyone has gone through but me. and it fucking sucks even more because i know the main reason that i havent done this is because im trans!!!! like i didnt ask to be this way!!!!!!!! trust me! its so fucking difficult!!!!!!!! i hate being different sometimes, i literally just want to be like everyone else, i want to be fucking normal for once. like i know that ‘normal’ doesn’t actually exist but im tired of having to struggle through things that other people dont. and ive really just been dwelling on this and extrapolating like “welp no one will ever wanna hook up with me or date me or love me and im gonna die alone like the piece of shit i am” and it’s just opened up soooooo many Bad Feels that i either havent thought about before or did a really good job at repressing! literally just shitty Dysphoria garbage!!! 

and now its like. “ok well u dont want to be a virgin anymore then go out and have sex” WELP it doesnt really work that way!!! i’m very masculine in appearance (or at least i try to be) and the people who are attracted to me expect me to be a Cis Male, because unfortunately we assume everyone is cis until proven otherwise. bottom line is theyre gonna expect me to have a dick! but i dont! what happens when im into someone and theyre not aware of this fact? what if we Get Going and start Doing the Do but theyre like EW GROSS DIE??????? i just keep thinking about this!!!!!!!!! its in my head and i cant get it out!!!!!!!!!! like i Did Not go to bed on sunday night because i just keep dwelling!!!! i went to therapy on tuesday and told all this to my psychologist and usually that gets it out of my system but no!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! she’s usually really helpful because she approaches things logically rather than emotionally but that didnt work in this case i guess!!

i told my pbros about some of these feelings and they said the shit your friends are supposed to say to make u feel better and it was reassuring that they loved me at the time but like. i guess it didnt stick lol because im still convinced that im unlovable even though mccoy sat on my lap half the night and david let me casually touch him (he does not like physicality so that was kind of a Bigger deal) and ben laid on top of us and we were all so tender but i literally cant translate that into permanence i guess!!!!! but also bad things happened at meeting that kind of validated my fears bc me n a few bros were talking, i think it was me and a gay guy and a girl who thought she was straight but shes questioning if shes bi and i cant remember who else because i was Turnt but these two were like the main source of conversation. the guy was like “im definitely gay like i know i dont like girls because vaginas are just gross” and the girl was like “yeah i dont know, im attracted to hot girls but idk if i could ever fuck w/ a girl because ew vagina” LIKE im.... ... standing............ right .... here...................... and i said something! like “thats transphobic not everyone w a vagina is a girl” and i cant remember exactly but they totally like. brushed me off. i initially have all of these doubts, then my bros are like “yooo that’s irrational, everyone loves u” which makes me feel better and kind of makes the doubts get less awful BUT THEN this happens and we’re back to square one SO.

it doesnt help that i fucking started my period on monday. i havent had it in over a year. but i had to skip a dose of T before my surgery and my ADHD ass forgets everything so i ended up skipping like 3 so apparently this is what happens when you stop taking it :) im really hoping that this is the reason im so emo about everything right now UGH.

all of these feelings are just taking such a toll on me its like im weighed down,,, i was supposed to do some studying today and take some notes but instead i stayed in bed and played games on my phone lol!!!!!! i didnt even do anything fun!!!!!!!!!! and now im alone on a friday night doing NOTHING just like i did fucking NOTHING all day today!!

what sucks about this is that im alone because i feel sad.... but being alone makes me feel even MORE sad........... like im happy when im with my friends, im happy when im with my brothers, im happy when im at the house! but for some reason i cant just text a bro at random whenever im feeling down. like if i did, i know that no matter who it was theyd give me the support i need/the support id get at the house with everyone there. but i cant make that move, i cant take that risk, because i must Avoid.... like i know talking to ppl and being around them makes me happier, and i know if i did gather the ‘courage’ or w/e to do that then the odds of getting a positive response would be 99% but i just. Cannot initiate. because that 1% chance of rejection is just too much. im terrified of it. even if i did take that chance i dont even know what i’d say??? “hey lol im kinda craving death because im a worthless abomination haha wyd” ????? im still not comfortable w talking about being trans. like i am a bit but only with certain people. definitely not with the brotherhood. maybe my big? but she just got a new girlfriend so i dont want to bother her. honestly i dont want to bother anybody!!!!!!!!!! which is Wrong because i tell ppl all the time that their emotions are valid and theyre not bothering people who care but HERE WE FUCKING ARE KIDS!

ok i think im done now i just. really had to get that out. replies and likes and asks are welcome but the other thing is not allowed. the thing with two arrows that kind of go in a circle. none of that.

[stuntchica]

(If you're still doing the kin meme) all even numbers for Rin + a kin of your choice?

(im doing saeran as the kin of my choice!)

2. name something your kin/id studied!

i didnt really uh, study much of anything as rin rifp. in my canon we were all androids so anything we had to learn was programmed into us!

as for saeran, i obviously studied computers/hacking!

4. element associated with your kin/id?

im not really sure for rin? would music count as an element? for saeran, i guess the cold? thats something i associated with myself anyway

6. things in every day life that remind you of your canon?

im gonna be really predictable and say ‘oranges’ pffffft. (theyre actually one of the few fruits i can tolerate bc of arfid). for saeran my entire emotional state ,

8. what weather did your kin/id like the most?

as rin i was a boring little shit & loved the sun & hot weather. i guess being an android has some perks because i didnt get all hot and sweaty in the sun! for saeran though like geez, i had a whole Thing about the weather i loved it so much?? snow was my favourite but i loved literally any weather

10. do you like how the fandom portrays your kin/id?

for rin it’s okay. some of it is way off, but some of it is pretty close. it’s kind of hit & miss i guess! i don’t really have any major complaints though (except some of the shipping but thats like ‘eh’)

for saeran though i want to sit the entire fandom down and just tell them ‘no’ over & over again. like geez have you seen half the content for me on ao3?? theres so much non-con/dub-con, like what the hell???? & so many people think i wouldve pretended to be saeyoung to get with mc i just. no. i was a bad person but not that bad holy fuck

12. what outfit did you like best in your canon?

tbh im gonna be boring & just say this for rin. for saeran i dont really have a huge amount of choice (literally . 5 outfits, 2 of which are the same but with one thing changed) but the last outfit i wear in the secret ending 2! in my canon i stole one of mc’s jumpers w/o her permission so i find it funny that im wearing that there

14. did you have a favourite memory of your canon?

i dont really have that many specific memories as rin? i remember how happy i felt to be on the stage though, so i’m going to say every concert ever is my favourite memory asgdhj

as for saeran hmmm, most of my memories arent too happy. i do remember one time though it had snowed and i was sitting outside eating ice cream, & mc came out & was all like ‘wtf are you doing its freezing you cant eat ice cream in the snow’ & i said something along the general lines of ‘screw the weather i do what i want’. & she just started dying laughing & i pretended to be annoyed by her laughing and long story short we got into a huge snowball fight

16. did you like life in your canon?

as rin, sure!! i thought life was something amazing, especially considering that i was an android, something that wasn’t supposed to have life. there was a lot of debate over whether we could be considered alive, or really people, but we definitely were alive & people

for saeran, eh, not really. i didn’t really have the happiest life, and ultimately it ended in tragedy. i’d give anything to go back to then, but if i’m honest i don’t think the happy moment outweighed the unhappy ones

[itain]

long.. complaint post essentially

id say rant but its less anger than just.. despair i guess

oh god i feel at this moment.... very hopeless

ive just kinda been frozen since i got home,,, talked some, ate dinner, etc... but there is so much i need to get done but i {feel i} cant do until i finish one thing in particular...... like so many rows stacked up in tetris that all get cleared with the one block that fits them all... i mean perhaps nobody thinks its that big a deal,,, idk......... i just feel like i cant breath... literally it feels like my chest is a bit tight just thinking of all this shit stressing me... like once i finally get one thing done turns out its not done and i had 10 more things to do as well... i feel that in the time it takes for me to take one step, i’m pushed back like 20 paces....

you know when you have so much stressing you that you play games or just fucking fill your mind with static to pretend nothing is wrong?? you waste time having fun while the stress just looms next to you all day every day?? thats like my usual state of being.... and here is the other end.. where things come crashing down, and im panicking, and im frozen because i can never solve things, i have to find an order in the chaos, and at this point everything immidiately turns negative and i wonder why im even alive rn... i like that ive written this much and still remained so vague.......... SIGH

uh lets see i mean its mostly all just financial shit

the biggest block rn is the fucking gym... gee am i getting so damn sick of this shit.... i am ready to sccream over this fucking gym...... ive been trying to quit almost since ive started... i FINALLY send the shit i need to on time..... and they didnt do it???? so i need to call them tomorrow asking why they havent drafted the quitting fee, and im sure theyll ask if i did the fucking secure mail where i get notified when they recieve it, and no i didnt bc i dont have money, and they will come up with some bullshit excuse reason why i cant quit still, and at that point ill want to scream and cry, i fucking wish that could solve my problem??? why cant i be like my dad who yells at the customer service people on the phone till they solve everything for free???? why cant i ask that of him now?? thoughts like these... who let me be an adult, how will i not get fucked out of shit because im a fucking pushover who just wants to please everyone and be polite.....

then lets see.......... the student loans..... the big issue with this... i mean 50 bucks a month starting in october... i mean we will fucking see if i have the money... considering im already drowning now, i fucking doubt, but my biggest concern is the logistics... what amount am i paying back? how do i know that its set up to draft out of my account??? questions i dont want to ask anyone because i’ll feel like a fucking idiot and i’ll just cry about it instead pls.... so i’ll just rot till october tyvm...

and what else... my biggest fear is the combination of these two, that i cant quit the gym and im paying like 75 fucking bucks a month for two things that have made my life nothing but hell...

but i think the other biggest stressor is the small shit adding up rn... for like 2+ months (i havent really counted but i know its been a long time now) my phone isnt working without a charger.... and to even get it replaced for a working model is like 75 bucks.. id buy some shit phone but thats 20 bucks that can be spent towards surviving... like, see above bills.... oh and id switch to an old phone of mine to even ask if thats possible would fucking cost money bc metro pcs wont answer shit without seeing money first ugh.. its made all communication and leisure time way more difficult as im chained to the wall and only a few short times a day for either.... so setting aside that, ill just fucking pray for that for christmas orz the other “small shit”...... oil needs to be changed on the car,,, means i have to find some time to buy oil, figure out what fucking oil to buy, where to buuy, if i have the money, etc... communicate with coworker friend and get a day we both have off so her friend?? can change my oil for me for free, bless.... but thats not even possible till i get back from my vacation.... so a week or two..... then we have the registration sticker that needs to be updated before september,,,, 80 to 85 bucks my dad said... that obv cant be updated with a code on my car so again, it has to wait a couple weeks... even driving with a code on my car gives me such anxiety...

so moving on to.... i guess the tiny shit that isnt as big problems but only have become such because im mega stressed..... thought i had finished the laundry... found another bag orz... apartment much more disorganized than i thought.. you know how order in the home gives a certain peace of mind.... and vise versa.... bf and i are fucking depressed and at least i want pills but that is a faraway dream rn, booking a fucking appointment, much less having $$ for a perscription????? trying to work out then losing motivation so quickly as always... but because i want to dedicate my energy towards cleaning this place... which just somehow never happens.... just never seeing a way to save money??? ive been so damn frugal and i still cant pay my bills and here i am with more bills, meanwhile my dad posting his stupid fucking bullshit on facebook about “choose happiness” like money doesnt have a fucking say in the matter.... and all the low self esteem and negative thoughts that accompany all this situation... wanting to “do something nice because ive been having a hard life/week” and then still feeling like shit, or feeling guilty for having spent anything then complaining about money...

i guess last thing i wanted to touch on..... the vacation... bfs mom takes me with them on their family vacations.... honestly i feel like the goth in the prep family? like im too much drama to make them happy.. ive been pretty open with her about my feelings towards my dad and stepmom, mostly bc she is super giving and nice and agrees with me against them.. and recently ive been more open, like about my depression even... and like... she even said she would get me a scrip... like....... i just.. this kind of thing, the vacations, the covering my half of rent, even while she doesnt have a job rn (she is rich but tighter on $$ now so) but i feel so guilty accepting it.. like if i justify it, then arent i being too greedy?? but i literally cant refuse it, or i’d be on the street right now so..... but i just feel like she owns me... if i were her daughter i think id be more okay but like... if john and i break up she put like, thousands into SOME CHICK.... i feel like in the far future i’ll need to write her a check too;; i told bf i wasnt rly feeling the vacation... of course because of the neverending drama surrounding me (yeah yeah im not saying drama is drawn to me, yeah i create it okay) this will just kinda strain more the relationship and they’ll all think i have some issue with them or smth that i gotta ruin every family trip... so i’ll just go.. but like... self esteem is out the window, so i wont want any pics.. i doubt bf will either, we both have gained so much weight, and i have perma acne that gets worse by the day, and i cant even afford to get my hair cut or colored again so its just this grown out mess.... then in the other respect of a vacation... i think ill just be worried the whole time about my finances... i mean i wont be able to spend money on anything so -shrugs- i get to just look at a bunch of nice things, thinking “i wish” or feel the guilt of her wanting to get it for me.... oh god yeah and same things w my friends.... i want to hang with them?? but i dont have money for shit??? and every time they pay for smth i die inside bc when will i even be able to pay them back its the same thing but theyre poor TT

anyways i guess thats most of it..... i guess im feeling tired maybe ill just pass out watching some youtube videos.... i was wanting to get a drawing done but ~*the cycle of feeling like shit*~ will occur worse then...