dbqpiooi

[rollercoasterwords]

do you think it’s possible to experience some level of gender dysphoria without being nonbinary or trans? it’s weird but i always feel like i exist within the space between being a girl and nonbinary.

feel like there's a lot 2 unpack here but. short answer yeah long answer i don't think it's useful 2 thing of gender in terms of some strict divide between cis&trans as like. ontologically discrete categories of being so much as social labels that signify general groupings of experience & how an individual relates to & moves through the world. like the division between "cis" & "trans" is primarily useful, imo, for discussing broader systems of power at play & the forms of privilege different people might have access to, but a "cis" person's gender is just as socially constructed & contingent as a trans person's bc nobody is born w some internal physical kernel of gender identity that just magically manifests as they grow older (imo).

so w that in mind, if we're defining "gender dysphoria" here as any kind of discomfort w an assigned gender, then i don't see why people who would otherwise label themselves as "cis" couldn't experience some level of gender dysphoria. many cis people are uncomfortable w the various trappings of gender & navigate that discomfort in different ways--some might end up identifying as trans, some might identify as cis but gender non-conforming, some might just keep id'ing as cis...bc again, there is not like. this stark, inherent divide between trans & cis experiences; there can be overlap & crossover, etc. what an individual chooses to label themself really just comes down to how they personally end up navigating their gender, and there's no right or wrong way to go abt that. i guess the flipside of this question is that someone could say any amount of gender dysphoria means a person is trans (w trans here as a broad umbrella category signifying someone who doesn't fit neatly into their agab), which...i mean, sure, but again, i think plenty of people who would otherwise be considered "cis" aren't just magically embodying their agab either, so ig i don't really see the use in quibbling over who can or cannot experience gender dysphoria, or like...what "counts" as gender dysphoria. i think it makes more sense 2 just acknowledge that all gender is constructed & let each individual evaluate their own experiences in deciding how they wanna label themselves.

that being said, if ur asking this question bc ur agonizing over whether 2 label urself cis or nb bc u feel like u aren't like..."trans" enough. my advice is 2 just say who cares & use whatever label best fits ur experience. or just don't use a label at all! there isn't some standard or checklist u have 2 meet 2 label ur gender a certain way, y'know? and ur experience of gender might change throughout the course of ur life anyway, bc again, it's not like...a fixed kernel of truth u can unearth from ur psyche like buried treasure. also, u might find marquis bey's cistem failure a helpful read; they get into the weeds on this much better than i can in a single answer on tumblr.com lol

[genderqueerdykes]

I've always felt uncomfortable in my agab and it's taken me a long time (I'm in my 30s now) to get to the point where I finally figured myself out and realized I want to transition (ftm). I know this is a very individual thing and depends on a lot of things, but do you have any general advice on coming out as trans?

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU THOUGH!!!!! i'm really, really proud of people who come out in their 30s, 40s, and so on, it makes me soooo happy you have no idea, i'm glad you finally get to live a more comfortable life for yourself

in general, it's way easier to come out to friends than family, unless you know you have specific friends that will take it poorly. either way, coming out to friends at first makes it way easier. don't feel pressured to wait until HRT or until you look the way you want to to come out. i know a lot of people feel like they have to "look" trans before they come out to be taken seriously. don't wait, just tell people.

take the time to build confidence in yourself before coming out. find a day where you already feel good about who you are and how you identify, and where you actually want to talk about who you are. i find it's easiest when you actually want to be having that conversation in the first place, it makes other people more receptive and engaged.

starting with name and pronouns is usually easiest, that's what i did, if you want to change those, or if they give you dysphoria. i came out to my best friend at the time and said "hey, i think i'm a guy, I'd like you to start calling me (name) and using he/him pronouns." i was very comfortable with that person, though, and i know it's not quite that easy for everyone. you can write a letter, text, email, IM message, etc. if you want because some people find it easier to write down their thoughts. either way, give it to them as simply as possible and while they're chewing on that and changing the way they refer to you in conversation, you can transition socially in other ways like the way you dress, etc.

if they respond poorly, i would recommend finding support elsewhere and transitioning with people who support you, whoever that can be. whether they're online friends, local queer friends you find at an LGBT alliance, transgender resource center, gay hangout spot, what have you.

coming out to family is a bit harder, that one i had to do long distance and over text. but if you have a good relationship with your family, you can chance that once you have a bit more confidence and support. coming out at work is honestly the easiest because at least in the united states they are legally obligated to accept the change and if they don't you can get your managers and coworkers in serious trouble. that usually tends to go over the smoothest. if they refuse, they can very easily lose their jobs if you take the correct channels to report them for discrimination.

anyway, i hope that was enough to help! take care, i'm so proud of you, i'm glad you've realized who you are and are taking the steps to live a more authentic life! good luck with everything@

[sky-chau]

Hi, my name is Sky-Chau. I've been on this platform since I was 13. I'm 20 now and as such I've learned a lot and come to realize a lot of the things I've said done and believed, in the past were genuinely fucked up and harmful to both myself and the people I've come to know as my friends. Some of it was ignorance and niavate, but not all of it. In the grand scheme of things, my intent at the time is irrelevant as none of that changes the negative impact it had on the people around me, and for that impact, I am deeply sorry.

I'm not perfect, no one is. I'm a firm believer that evil is not an inherent thing you are but rather a thing you do. By classifying evil as a behavior, it allows people to grow and change for the better. You don't have to forgive me or anyone else that's hurt you. That's up to you and your own personal comfort and safety. I'm not asking you to forgive anyone.

Forgiven or not, I'd like to make a few things clear going forward. Some of these are corrections to things I've said in the past and others are things that I want to make sure anyone who follows me understands. In no particular order:

1) Trans women are women, and whether or not any individual identifies as always having been a woman or having grown out of a comfortable agab childhood into a woman, doesn't change their current woman status and is ultimately none of my business as it's a descriptor of a lived experience.

The same goes for trans men and NBs.

Experiences of dysphoria and the choice to medically transition is none of anyone's business. Trans people can do whatever makes them comfortable, and anyone who insists there's such a thing as "faking it" is missing the point. It's about people's lives, for a lot of people it's not a choice. For other people being transgender is a choice and that's equally valid. People have a right to control and express their own gender identity in whatever way helps them thrive.

I can say without a doubt policing other people's identities, is most definitely not making your own life any better.

2) Black lives matter, the culture and dialects of black people are important. Any non-black person in America should be conscious of the safety, benefits, and advantages that we received from slavery, systemic exclusion of black people from economic opportunities, and inequality. (Note that consciousness doesn't mean personal guilt.)

3) Cis men and masculinity are not the enemy. The phrase toxic masculinity refers to the ways that our cultures idea of manhood harms society and individual men. Any proposed solutions for gender inequality under feminism need to do more than simply elevate women. In the same way the high matinence aesthetic expectations of femininity need to be abolished, the crushing and dangerous social expectations of masculinity need to be dissolved.

The construct of gender hurts everyone in different ways. Men shouldn't have to put themselves in danger by signing up for the draft or working construction. These should be opt in choices for anyone of any gender.

4) No culture is primitive. Every society holds a different set of values and priorities. A society that prioritizes the health of the earth is going to use their enginuity differently than a society that prioritizes wealth and the future of it's children.

5) Antisemitism is both very real and ancient. Listen to Jewish people when they voice their concerns.

6) My lesbian flag sucked. Despite my deep convictions about its design whilst I was in highschool. The symbolism comes off as rather performative in hindsight as yeah, that's the level of maturity and understanding of the world I was at when I made it. I can't stop you from using it but just know that I currently consider my plan to solve the "too many lesbian flags" problem by proposing yet another flag to be foolish and dumb.

7) Everyone is still learning, all the time. It's not your job to teach them, though kudos to you if you have the mental strength to try. For many people deep in an ideological rabbit hole, being taught will not necessarily make them learn. At least not right away. Ideological change doesn't happen overnight.

[disengaged]

i'm not entirely sure how to put this into words, but do you think that, to identify as trans, you have to have "enough" gender dysphoria, like you have to check off a certain amount of symptoms to qualify as trans? i've just been thinking a lot and, while i don't quite feel a sense of wrongness in myself, i don't feel rightness either and i just wish i were different altogether, but i don't know what that means to me. i've definitely had thoughts of being the opposite sex and wishing i had certain qualities of theirs, but it's difficult to tell if it's just insecurities or actual dysphoria that i'm feeling. i'm sorry if this sounds rude or anything, i was just hoping you could help make some sense of these thoughts. hope you have a nice day!

i appreciate that you've worded it this way instead of just saying "are u truscum 🤨" but alas, it's essentially the same question

& my answer is ..... uh .....?? while i don't think medical transition should be considered necessary (or feasible, or desired) for everyone, i do kinda fundamentally believe you need some kind of gender dysphoria to be trans (bc that is. the entire premise of the thing. base requirement. like how else would you know. yknow.) but that could be socially, physically, whatever.

worth noting: i think the DSM-5 is a load of shit, and i don't believe in a formal """"checklist"""" of Trans Symptoms. i categorically reject the pathologization of my existence haha uwu

i guess my advice to you would be this: think hard about it. read books. go attend a queer group or something. im definitely not the "AHHHH DONT CALL YOURSELF TRANS WHAT IF YOU REGRET IT!!!!!" type of guy (??? you can call yourself whatever you want at any time and no one can stop you), but .... there is power in assigning a label to yourself, and i'd advise you to think deeply about whether that label is right for you.

i say this because the phrase "i just wish i were different altogether" .......... kinda makes me feel like you may have more feelings abt yourself than just your sex/gender/gender presentation, and it'd probably be beneficial to examine those. yknow, see what underlying or concomitant issues you've got going on. it might help clear the muddy waters a bit.

is the desire to be perceived as something other than your AGAB the main source of your discomfort, or is it something else? do you envy those certain qualities of the 'opposite sex' (problematic term alert) because they're qualities of the gender you wish you were, because you're attracted to them, or because they're attractive features & you wish you were more attractive? i can't answer those questions for you.

if all you've got is an abstract feeling of dysphoria, there could be a vast number of causes for that. it could be gender dysphoria, or it could be something else (insecurity about appearance, insecurity in life, being depressed, lack of stable identity, just plain hating gender roles and social norms bc they suck, etc).

so yknow. i can't tell you if you're trans or not. no one can. your mom can't, your doctor can't, your psychologist can't, your best friend can't. there's no single, agreed-upon checklist to be trans. plenty of cis folks are GNC without being trans, and plenty of trans people present as/similar to their AGAB without being cis. i could try to describe what gender dysphoria feels like to me, but it could feel completely different to someone else, i have no idea. it's not something that can be measured on a physical scale.

tldr; it's up to you if you want to call yourself trans or not. you might be, or you might not be. only you can figure that out for yourself.

(aka the least helpful advice ever tee hee)

[spacedykez]

.

[musings-from-mars]

Since you said you'd be cool with answering questions about writing enby characters, I wanted to ask if you have any tips or dos and don'ts about writing enbies for someone who isn't nonbinary? If not it's okay, I just want to see what you think. Thank you! and I love your writing btw!

Hi! Thank you, sweet anon!

This sat in my drafts forgotten about literally for months, and I am so sorry it took me until now to post it!

First of all, thank you for asking. I love talking about writing strategies and such (sometimes I feel like I talk about writing more than I actually do it). Second of all, this is a really interesting question, so I hope I can help you out a little. Just remember that I am by no means an expert on this, so be sure to get advice from others as well.

DO explicitly identify enby characters.

No “they weren’t a girl or a boy, they were just them.” That’s just a lot of cheese, okay? And it also frames nonbinaries as a “third option” inadvertently, which is sucky. Instead, describe their exact identity. Are they pangender? Then use the word “pangender.” Are they agender? Then say so. Are they unsure or do they just prefer “nonbinary”? Then just say nonbinary. Labels exist for a reason, and they have meanings behind them.

DON’T focus too much on their AGAB or whatever their body looks like.

Enbies are more than their transitions, their coming-outs, their bodies, their dysphoria, etc. These are important, obviously, but enbies are whole humans like everyone, so give them whole lives. Hobbies, aspirations, worries, favorite books, a pet lizard, whatever. Make them whole characters, not just “the enby character.”

DO your research.

I’m just skimming the surface here. You need to be informed as a cis writer writing characters who aren’t cis. Like, very informed. Run stuff by non-cis people before posting/publishing. Be particular, be meticulous. Cis writers should be writing trans and nonbinary characters because they are capable of doing a good job at it. It just takes extra work, but if you care about your non-cis characters and non-cis people in real life, the extra work will be worth it.

DON’T write stories about being nonbinary if you are not nonbinary.

Any story can feature nonbinary characters. Are you writing a medieval fantasy story? Feature an enby knight, or an enby monarch, or an enby witch or some shit. How about a crime drama? Maybe the detective’s deputy/best friend is nonbinary. However, stories that take place in the real world and are told from a nonbinary character’s perspective about their experiences being an enby should be told by enby authors only. These types of social relevance stories should be reserved for people of marginalized groups to tell themselves. If you aren’t nonbinary, you don’t know enough about what that is like to effectively write a story about it, no matter how many enbies you may talk to.

tl;dr don’t dance around the word “nonbinary” or more specific identity labels, make the characters more than just the token enby, research research research, and leave the social relevance stories about enby experiences to enbies to tell

[feraldavestrider]

Honestly when you started saying you need dysphoria to be trans I was this close to hitting the unfollow button but I agree with you. sometimes people say "I don't have dysphoria I'm just happier as this gender" and like ??? maybe you should consider how happy you actually were before whatever transitioning you did. Sometimes I feel kinda empty and don't wanna do things. I'm not sad and I can deal with it indefinitely but guess what, that's still depression. Not all dysphoria is obvious.

yeah!! ill be honest i was mostly frustrated and i just woke up when i wrote that stuff so i wont b surprised if i lost some followers who didnt get what i meant/thought i was truscum/transmed,,,, or if ppl just dont agree which is life. but im glad u got what i meant!

**edit i made before i posted this i say “you” a lot in this and i mean like a general audience you mostly pointed towards like. op and those that agree ok note over**

i by NO means am trying to police ppls identifies or suggest that all experiences w dysphoria are the same. or that u should ever need to share details on those experiences! you dont owe anyone anything.

my main issue is that “tucute”/mogai tumblr propagates this idea that you can just be trans without feeling any discomfit w ur agab, and the associated name, pronouns, ur physical form (ie some various forms of dysphoria). because then what are we boiling being trans down to???? saying youre trans/nonbinary just bc you may dress in a gnc/non conventional manner or because u act/talk/have certain hobbies that are gendered in a way that doesnt fit ur assigned gender???? if you genuinely feel NO issue with ur agab at ALL then chief... u probably arent trans!! and thats ok! a lot of ppl i know have ided as trans at some point in their life and actually realised they were experiencing something else, like body dysmorphia or internalised lesbophobia. 

like u said, dysphoria can sometimes just be... not bery apparent. it can be silent, but its still there. im very skeptical of the idea of ppl habinf gender “euphoria” without the dysphoria n using that to explain their transness but mostly bc i just beliebe those ppl r dysphoric without realising it, probably bc of mogai/tucute tumblr culture! i.e. i didnt realise how bad i actually experienced name dysphoria until AFTER i changed my name basicaly everywhere except legally and w my family. bc i was like huh! im so euphoric at being called gabe, but i didnt think i felt thay dysphoric at my birth name! but NOW when i get deadnamed, it like. HURTS most of the time. dysphoria can change like that w ur life experiences, and euphoria doesnt exist without the dysphoria, evem if u arent aware of the dysphoria in rhe first place! like u said anon, how okay could u be w ur agab/birth name/assigned pronouns/etc if being called different ones make u so happy. its just dysphoria!!!

! u just have been indoctrinated by this tucute v truscum war where both sides treat dysphoria as an all encompassing tragic, epic life long suffering. truscum act thay way in order to gatekeep who is/isnt trans, and mogais decided thay RATHER than go, “no dumbass dysphoria can be literally just. hih i feel Wrong abt my agab” even if thats a vague and complicated feeling, they went: ok then we dont need dysphoria fuck u! which i INDERSYAND but its just not right or helpful!

 often dysphoria can change w experiences and comes and goes, and sometimes parts of it are so hodden u wont realise it was there until years later in ur life! and thats ok. you dont have to experience every symptom of dysphoria at 100% tragedy pain mode to be a valid Real Transgender. all you need to be trans is... to be trans. which means dysphoria! bc being trans is being uneasy/unhappy w ur assigned gender bc u arent that! and guess what the definition of dysphoria is... being uneasy and unhappy! so being trans is just having gender dysphoria!

on that note, i think that ppl who DONT actually feel uneasy or unhappy w their birth gender but do want to experiment or explore different modes of expression w names/pronouns/dress style should! but just note tjay like... ur probably just gender non comforming, not transgender

i guess being nonbinary is a little more complex but id argue my point still stands. you are uncomfortable w ur birth gender. thats dysphoria. maybe ur dysphoria seems “”””weird”””” bc ur nb dusphoria but its not. its still dysphoria!  if ur afab and u still want to have long hair... thay dossnt mean u dont have dysphoria. if ur agab and you still want to have armpit and leg hair... thay doesnt mean u dont have dysphoria. whether ur nb or binary trans! bc. you WILL have some form of social/personal dysphoria that is what makes u go HM ASSIGNED GENDER BAD! 

ok im done for now im abt to sleep and then get on an 11 hour plane journey so dont expect anything gr8 from me now or anytime near in the future sorry for my big rants but i just feel like tumblr is so black n white on this issue when both aides are! stupid (obviously transmeds/truscum r worse but still!!! mogai tend to get me heated in a New Fun way). 

sorry 4 word vomiting anon bit thanks 4 ur ask i wasnt sure if anyone would get where i was coming from n im glad u agree!!! thank u fr for sending tjis in. habe a good noght/day/whatever 

[genderqueerdykes]

Hello! (Sorry for my English, I'm using a translator to write this XP) I really love your posts and they really helped me sort out my feelings in a lot of ways (including as a trans man), but I still have a lot of doubts. I like to think and talk about myself as a man, but at the same time I do not have severe gender dysphoria, and when I think about starting my transition, I am tormented by huge doubts, as if I am afraid to regret my decision, but at the same time I like to imagine myself as a man and I very often regret that I was not born a man (like I would like to have a penis and get rid of this annoying breast). I seem to have a special idea of ​​what kind of man I should be, and if I don’t be exactly that, then my life will be destroyed. I have read a lot about how male hormones affect the body of trans guys and I am afraid to face the negative consequences of the transition (for example, baldness, I am very attached to my long hair and I am afraid of losing it), I am afraid that I will become ugly and only cripple my body . I'm scared that I'll never be a full-fledged man. Can you please tell more about how you felt when you first started to accept yourself as a trans man, it would help me a lot :)

hello!

dysphoria is not required to be any type of trans person.

it is normal to have doubts at first when questioning one's gender, i think it's good that you've figured out that you definitely perceive yourself as male and enjoy doing so, that is honestly the most important part of the experience. fear and anxiety creep in and make us second guess ourselves but the truth is honestly more simple than we feel

fortunately testosterone doesn't make anyone "ugly" or "crippled" and many of the effects of testosterone in the body "revert" back to how it was before if the person is not taking testosterone for a substantial amount of time (1.5 years+). please be careful when sending other people asks like this, this belief is radfem/terf rhetoric, and it's best to undo that thinking and understand that testosterone is a hormone that exists in all of our endocrine systems regardless of agab- every person has both estrogen and testosterone in their bodies at all times, and not one hormone or the other makes someone ugly or bad- there is nothing inherently bad about testosterone, or high testosterone bodies.

please remember when sending me asks like this that i was born in a high testosterone body and HRT helped and affected my body secondarily, not primarily- it is taken to augment my body's naturally high T levels. this line of thinking makes me feel super alienated from the transmasculine community and awkward, which is partially why i primarily identify as a trans woman and struggle to identify as a trans man anymore.

it's normal to fear balding, every transmasc and trans man i've ever met has feared baldness, myself included, but baldness isn't a guarantee, it's just 1 possible side effect amongst many. you are not guaranteed to go bald and you are able to do testing to see if you are genetically more likely to. also, if you do begin to bald, it is not the end of the world, as there are lots of medications that treat balding and your endocrinologist will be aware of these risks when starting you on testosterone HRT, so you will have advanced access to this type of care

if you don't want to go on T, you don't have to, that is not a requirement for being a trans man or transmasculine person. it is up to you to decide if that's appropriate for you. if you don't go on hormones and decide to socially transition and decide you don't like being seen as a man after all, then you didn't do any harm to anyone or anything, you didn't irreparably change anything, or anything like that. there's no harm in doing a trial run of an identity without hormones if you want to test the waters and see how it feels

if you like the positives of T and are only really concerned about baldness, i would say that it sounds like testosterone could be a good choice for you. i think it's best to weigh the pros and cons and if balding is the only real con you are concerned about, it may be worthwhile to talk to a doctor in your area

it's very normal to have these types of fears and to question yourself, it's healthy to do so, and most people go through a very long questioning period before trying out the identity they feel they are. it works best for some to go by that identity online for some time, then come out to irl friends, then progress from there, dressing how you want to in public, etc. it's up to you to decide, but overall, you sound like you have a very normal trans man experience. it's okay to not want to go on T and to not have dysphoria. that is one of the most common expressions of trans manhood i come across, actually

i hope this helps, take care, good luck in your journey, hope you are able to figure things out and do what's right for you. you deserve the time to figure yourself out above all else