#trent got accepted a long ass time ago

[fujipixels]

“What’s Oregon like?”

[your-turn-to-role]

haven't fully got all my thoughts together on this, but i keep thinking about how, since getting to rexxentrum, caleb's only spoken in common, despite this being a place where zemnian would be an official language, despite speaking to mostly zemnian people, and most importantly, despite the fact that when they came across the scourger in xhorhas, that's all he spoke

part of me expected caleb to speak in zemnian when they finally encountered trent, mostly because of those two encounters with the other scourger in the jail cell

and he had a fair few one on one conversations with trent this episode, and one with eodwulf, he'd have plenty of reason to

but he's making the choice not to

and then i think about how much caleb's refused to lie to the mighty nein lately, despite this all being hugely painful topics, despite him lying his ass off to the assembly members, every time they've asked him about his past he's answered honestly, in as much detail as they want

and i feel like the language thing is a part of that too

what happened in the jail cell was very much between caleb and the scourger, he identified with her, saw no real difference between the two of them, chose to keep the rest of the nein out of it, because in that moment he wasn't really part of the mighty nein, that was bren's shit getting dug up, him reaching out to a part of his life he left behind a long time ago and trying to heal it

here, though, he's distancing himself from it. he's not hiding from his past anymore, trent's aware of his existence, ludinus knows who he used to be, but he's no longer that person, and now he has friends who he trusts and won't let himself get dragged back to that side and used like that again

and he's showing it by trusting them with everything

every single one of them has offered to help caleb through this, and he may have a hard time actually verbally accepting that help, but he is doing it, by refusing to hide anything

not his conversations with trent, not the history there, not his tense exchange with eodwulf, none of it

he's keeping it all in his second language to explicitly stand with the mighty nein as opposed to the scourgers

(and if liam goes through with that little comment about sneaking away to visit astrid, i'll be very interested to see what language that ends up being in)

[coffee-obsessed-writer]

All In Good Time

Summary: Tired of seeing his best friend wallowing in whiskey after another disappointment, he finally confesses a well-kept secret.

A/N: Written for @spnfluffbingo2019 & @spndeanbingo. Please excuse the poorly written smut, it’s been a while since venturing down that path and I was constantly distracted but things OTHER than the smut at hand. Oh well, hope you enjoy it!

Square filled for SPN Fluff Bingo: Best Friends to Lovers

Squared filled SPN Dean Bingo: FreeSpace

Warnings: Mild angst, Smut (18+ ONLY), Language

WC: 5.3K

Tags at the end of fic. Gifs not mine, credit to owners.

“Drinking that isn’t gonna make it stop, you know,” Dean said as he sat on the stool beside you.

“Stop what?” you asked without looking in his direction.

“Whatever you’re trying to forget.”

“You think you’re so damn smart, Winchester.” You did not need Dean’s brand of pep talk at the moment.

“Because I am,” he smirked. “As my best friend you should know how smart I am, and that I’m right about ninety-five percent of the time.” He finally turned to look at you and raised his brow teasingly. “If I remember correctly, last time you were throwing them back this hard, you’d been dumped by that chucklehead, Rocco. Can’t believe you dated a guy named Rocco…” he shook his head, disappointed in your past choices and drank his beer.

“Bite me,” you growled and threw back the rest of the whiskey in the glass.

You held it up for the bartender to refill and when he came to do so, Dean placed his hand over the top of the glass and slightly shook his head with a frown.  

“Dean, don’t be a dick—”

“She’s good,” he said to the bartender, who took one look at you and agreed that Dean was right.

“What the hell?! I wasn’t done,” you snapped at him, incredulous about his decision that you’d had enough to drink. “I’m not even that drunk!”

“Yeah, you are.” Dean slid the glass out of your reach, keeping his eyes locked with yours only infuriating you more.

“Who the fuck do you think you are? I’m a big girl, Dean. We aren’t fifteen anymore and you don’t need to protect me from myself or anyone else for that matter.”

WHO did he think he was, anyway? This night sucked. You got stood up for the second time by some guy you really thought could be the one. You thought he nearly perfect, and he seemed to accept your job and lifestyle as well as understood that you were a fiercely independent woman. Clearly, you’d been wrong and, so what, if you wanted to drink away the anger and hurt you felt for being duped, again.

“Me?” Dean mused, and sipped at his beer, “Oh, I’m just the guy who has been looking out for you for your whole damn life. The guy who knocked out Trent Moore when he tried to feel you up in the back of Bobby’s car. Also, the same guy who made sure that your shit-for-brains mother didn’t get you killed when she was drunk and went after a poltergeist.”

“Great, thanks for those reminders,” you moaned and turned on your stool to face the room and lean both elbows back on the bar. “Look, if you’re not gonna let me drink, lay off the trip down memory lane, okay? Not in the mood.”

“Deal.” Dean swallowed the rest of his beer and stood from the stool. “Come on then. W can shoot pool, or go watch a movie… whatever you want,” he reached out a hand to help you up, but you swatted him away.

“No! Just go, man. Let me wallow.”

“You know what… you’re a stubborn ass bitch. Fine, wallow! I’m so fucking tired of watching you do this. Oh, and next time you need a savior, sweetheart, call Sam, cause I’m done playing your white knight!”

Dean’s face was twisted in frustration, anger, and hurt, which left you confused. In all the years you had known him, he never got this mad at you before and you didn’t understand what made this time any different.

He reached into his pocket and slapped down cash on the bar, then turned and headed straight for the exit. You felt shocked and frozen in place, watching him storm through the bar and out the front door. Dean had been your best friend for most of your life, and sure there had been arguments; many, many arguments. But never had he straight up yelled at you before and it wasn’t sitting right to leave things with him like this.

You brushed your feelings of wallowing aside and found a purpose to move off the stool. The alcohol you’d already consumed made you feel lightheaded at the sudden movement, but your concern over Dean’s departure took precedence. No matter how you felt, you could not let him leave like that.

 You found him in the parking lot. He was pacing back and forth in front of the Impala; his fists clenching and unclenching in sync with his jaw. You watched for a moment, hesitant to approach him in his current state. That’s when he looked up and saw you standing there. Unsure of what to say, you just shrugged. Your mouth fell open to speak but no words would come out.

Dean’s brow was still buried in frustration that was directed straight at you. It wasn’t like him to be this angry, not over you wanting to drink away the thoughts of another disappointment. Normally he joined in, helped you to bounce back by cracking jokes and getting drunk alongside you.

“I can’t with you right now, okay?” he grunted from under his breath. “Just go back inside.”

“Dean… I’m sorry. Whatever I said…”

He snorted a laugh and bite his lip. “You’re sorry. For what? You don’t even realize what you’re sorry for, do you?”

“No, I don’t. But clearly, I did something to piss you off. I never want to fight with you, Dean. Not really fight, anyway. So, whatever it was—”

“Fine, you wanna know? Really?” his voice rose with each word, his anger come through with each decibel.

Seeing him this way, and having it directed at you was not something you’d experienced before. Afraid that the wrong thing would make him angrier, all you could do was nod. Dean drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes. He was centering himself; he’d never admit that’s what he was doing, but it was. There was nothing you didn’t know about him. At least, you thought you knew everything about it.

“Since we were sixteen years old, any job we worked together, I watched you meet someone, hook up, and then get dumped. Each time, you ended up hurt, scared, or in a predicament that me or Sam had to rescue you from.”

His words stung and you wanted to be annoyed with him; but the truth was, Dean was right. There was nothing you could say that would help, so you remained silent and let him finish.

“For years, Y/N, years… We’ve worked together, killed some evil sons-of-bitches together… we’ve celebrated and mourned. We’ve drunk ourselves silly, and bandaged each other up, countless times...”

Dean paused, his entire body sighing as it released the built-up fury he had been holding onto. He unclenched his fists and took a few steps closer to where you stood.

“In all that time, I made some of the best memories of my life. Between you and Sam, you guys were my home. Everything good I can think of is wrapped up in you and my brother. So, you’ll have to excuse me if I am tired of seeing you get like that over yet another piece of shit asshole who can’t see how damn lucky he was that you even looked his way.”

You felt your stomach drop out, not because of what he said, but because of how he looked at you when he said it. Your mind flashed through a dozen scenarios where he had come to your rescue; with guys, monsters, your own mother and had even saved you from yourself a time or two. If it hadn’t been for Dean, you would have been dead years ago.

“I—I don’t know what to say other than, you’re right,” you said softly, the whiskey and culpability was still stinging in your throat. “I shouldn’t have depended on you for so long. I put you in these terrible situations, and—”

“Jesus Christ,” he muttered and brought his hand to his face, running it over his worn features. “You’re fucking clueless…”

“What now? I’m trying to apologize and tell you that you were right! What more do you want from me, Dean? What?!” You could feel your hands starting to shake, and a bubble of your rage starting to rise and your throat now on fire from the volume of your voice. “What the FUCK do you want from me, huh?!”

People passing by were starting to stare, so you closed the small bit of distance between you, ready to unload a little more without attracting a crowd. But when you got closer, Dean started to laugh.

“What the fuck is so funny?” you asked, breathing hard through your nose trying to simmer the boil of frustration.

“You. You look ridiculous when you get angry.” He was smiling now, not quite laughing, but the grin he wore was genuine and reserved for moments with people he trusted.

“You’re bipolar, Winchester,” you huffed, trying to contain your temperament.

Dean shrugged. “Maybe. But I think its more that you just drive me insane sometimes.”

“Oh sure, blame ME for your particular brand of crazy! I don’t know what to do any more here, man. I can’t do anything right with you, lately.”

“What the Hell does that mean?” Dean asked with a flare of insolence.

“The last three jobs we’ve worked? You barked at me for no reason. You’re short with me when I ask you to stop while on the road, you constantly ride me for shit that I have zero control over!”

“Then why do you stay, hm? Why not go off on your own? Hunt alone?”

“I’ve tried! You just keep finding me and taking me along to the next job! Friends don’t let friends hunt alone, remember?!”

Dean squeezed his eyes shut and drew in a deep breath. “I need a drink,” he said and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Shouldn't have closed out the bar tab,” you muttered.

“You know what—” he lifted his head, the look of aggravation back on his face. “I’m—this is—fuck it! God, you frustrate the shit out of me!”

In a moment’s time, Dean had your face in his hands and his mouth on yours. Your first instinct was to retreat, then slap him across the face. Quickly following that, was the sudden desire to kiss him back. There had plenty of times you discreetly watched your best friend from the corner of your eye when he didn’t realize you were looking. How could you not? Dean was a gorgeous man, but more than that, he was sexy and funny. He was basically every girl’s fantasy. From his green eyes and freckles, right down to his bowlegs and boots. He was cocky and arrogant, smart as hell, and had a smile that could only be described as the devil’s handiwork. But never, in a million years, did you imagine he would have any interest in kissing you. In more than twenty years together, he never once tried nor looked at you like he wanted too; at least from what you could remember.

Dean’s lips were soft, yet he used them roughly against you. Every time you felt yourself pull back in the slightest, he continued to draw you in. You were fully immersed now, and when his mouth parted, you found yourself kissing him back just as greedily. His hand circled around to your neck and tangled up in your hair, entwining his fingers in the wispy strands and gripping them tightly. It caused a rush throughout your body; partially because of the whiskey still flowing through your veins, and partially because it just fucking felt so good.

You moaned softly into his mouth involuntarily and you felt his lips unfurl into a slight smirk. He slowly pulled away from your lips but left his hand concealed in your hair.

“Get in the car,” he growled. “Please.” It was only to try and sound like he was being polite, but there was nothing well-mannered about the way he was holding you in his gaze. That’s when he released you completely, and there was no hesitation in your decision to get into the front seat of the Impala and leave with him.

Dean followed suit and got behind the wheel. He fired up the engine and before he put his most prized possession in gear, he reached out with his right hand and gripped your thigh. Sliding you closer to him, he kissed you again, gentle and wanting, leaving his hand to rest on your leg and kneading his fingers into your flesh as if he were a cat.

Without a word, he pulled back, put the car in gear, and speed off down the road to the motel you all had been staying at.

 The motel door flew open with a bang. Dean pulled you into the room and slammed it shut so hard that it rebounded off the frame and opened again. You took a few more steps into the room he shared with Sam, though Sam was nowhere to be seen, and watched as Dean made sure the door was not only locked, but the chain was up.

You were almost afraid to speak. Dean had this look in his eyes that challenged you to say something, anything he could use to prove whatever point it was he was trying to make. But you didn’t give in. You were too nervous and excited about what was going to happen; realizing for the first time how much you had wanted it to.

He stalked you; his green eyes, now full of lust and want, were affixed to his prey. Dean moved slowly from the door to where you stood. As he crossed the room, he removed his jacket and threw it in the corner by the window. Next, his flannel came off and was tossed in the same direction. His eyes never wavering from you.

The ripple of his muscles on his arms was prominent now that his body was tense and anxious. The closer he got, the more your heart began to pound. How could you not have seen this in him before; all these years attached at the hip never once did you realize he would be looking at you the way he was then.

“I wasn’t gonna have this conversation with you in the parking lot of some dive bar,” he said, and despite the edge to his demeanor, his voice was gentle and calm. “I wasn’t gonna tell you, how many times I wanted to kill some guy who had his hands on you in some bar. Or a random joker on a case we were working, trying to get you meet them for drinks--”

“Dean…”

He ignored you. “I wasn’t going to tell you how many times I came so close to telling you that I wanted to be that guy and…” he trailed off, now directly in front of you, the arms you had just been admiring reaching out for you.

“And, what?” you managed to ask despite the lump in your throat.

Dean leaned in and kissed you again, slipping his arms around the lower part of your waist. When you felt him lift your feet off the ground, you let him and locked your arms around his neck. He took a few steps towards the bed and put you back on your feet at the foot of it.

“All those nights I watched you eyeing up any other guy but me… I was starting to resent you for it. Tonight, I finally realized that it’s my own damn fault.”

Your arms were still up around his neck, your lips a breath apart. “What do you mean?”

Dean didn’t answer at first, instead, he took your arms off his neck, and slipped your jacket off, letting it fall to the floor and kicking it out of the way.

“I got scared to tell you, that you were the one I wanted to take home every night. I should have told you. Instead, I kept quiet, would watch you go off with someone else and then I end up going home with some mediocre stand-in that never seemed to measure up to you.”

You didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t ever given you an indication he thought of you like that. Not that you had looked at the Winchesters as brothers, but there was a closeness that you felt to them; Dean especially. Anything physical felt like it would be crossing a line you couldn’t come back from. It was scary to think of life without Dean and Sam, and if you DID cross that line, it could go wrong and eventually cost you their place in your life? That couldn’t happen.

“Now you know why I wasn’t gonna let you wallow over some guy, not again. You can go if that’s what you want. Certainly not going to make you stay here, but I really want you too, Y/N. Stay tonight. Give this a chance.”

He was pleading with you now, nearly begging with the crease of his brow and the hope in his eyes. You couldn’t leave, you didn’t want too. He had been in front of you this entire time, and the only thing you wanted to forget was how many nights had been lost that you and he could have been together.

There weren’t any words that would convey what you wanted, so you took action instead. You locked in with his gaze and began to shed your layers of clothes until you stood before him in only your bra and underwear. His tongue ran nervously over his bottom lip at the sight of you while his eyes drank you in. Dean reached out and ran his fingers from your shoulder and down across your collarbone, then let them drift down your cleavage.

You took the bottom of his shirt, and pulled it up over his head, throwing it off to the side. From there, everything happened in what felt like seconds. Dean was kicking off his boots and pulling off his jeans. He had you down on the bed, laying his weight on top of you, running his hands across your flesh, and letting his mouth explore your neck. He pulled down your bra, exposing your breast to the warm air of the motel room. Dean brought his mouth to your nipple, running his tongue over it, making your entire body shiver.

His other hand ran down the length of your body, and pawed at the hem of your panties, yanking them down and finding the hood of your sex. Just the promise of his touch, caused his name to moan from your lips.

“Say it again,” he growled lowly, moving his mouth back up to your neck.

“Dean, please…”

His fingers slipped down and moved against your clit, the sensation of which was overwhelming. He moved slowly, toying with it, and with each pass against your most sensitive place, caused your back to arch up into him, and him to smile with satisfaction.

Dean moved further down, and let his fingers easily slid up into you, and the more you reacted to his touch, the more his erection grew against your leg. You dug your nails into his back, then ran them down to the boxers he still wore. Yanking them down, he looked down at you and smiled.

“Look who’s all impatient now,” he teased.

“Fuck you, Winchester,” you moaned as he thrust his fingers up into you with a bit more force making you gasp with both surprise and pleasure.

“In a minute, honey, in a minute… waited a long time for this…”

Before you could respond, Dean kissed you, hard. His tongue taking control and swirling with yours greedily. It was all too much for your overstimulated body, and you felt yourself ready to cum. Dean knew it too, he could feel the fluttering warmth of you around his hand, and it only made him insistent to continue.

You forced your head back, arching your chest up to him and cursed as he suddenly pulled his hand from you, before your release could come to fruition. He stood from the bed and let his boxers fall to the floor, before going into his jeans pocket, retrieving his wallet and pulling out the condom he kept there.

You sat up on your elbows and watched him curiously. “Look who’s mister responsibility,” you teased.

Dean shrugged but flashed that damn smirk. “Told you, been waiting for this for a long time. No way I was going to come unprepared.”

While he was taking care of the necessities, you moved further back on the bed after slipping off your bra and underwear. Dean finally climbed on the bed next to you; your heart pounding and your sex throbbing for more of him. You moved him so he was sitting against the headboard, and you straddled his lap, positioning yourself over him.

Dean’s gaze was greedy, but the animalistic lust he had earlier was gone; now he just watched you close, as if burning the memory of this night into his memory forever. As you sank down, letting his cock slide up into you, Dean’s eyes fluttered closed as his head rolled back against the headboard and his fingertips dug into your hips. It took only a second for you to start rocking against him; moving your hips in slow, methodical circles. With each pass, his mouth fell open, and his breathing intensified.

“Jesus… Fuuuuck…” he growled when you ran your nail up his chest and clasped your fingers behind his neck.

You guided his head to your chest, where he took your breast in his mouth, licking and sucking at your nipple. The faster you moved, the hungrier he became. Your head rolled back, and your overstimulated clit was pulsating with each pass you made against him. Your mind was completely lost in the moment with him; nothing before him had ever felt this good, this right… this euphoric.

His hands were beginning to grip you harder, moving you faster while his eyes opened and locked with yours. You wanted to speak, encourage him to fuck you as hard and fast as he wanted, but you didn’t have to because he saw it on your face. Your climax was rising again, and when you finally came, he did too, moaning your name and burying his head between your breasts. You could feel him throbbing inside you, matching his release with yours. Then, sighing as both of your muscles relaxed and you melted into each other.

A thin sheen of sweat coated both your bodies, as you cradled him against you. No rush to move off him, nor did he want that either. Dean lifted his head and reached his lips up to yours, as his hands slid around your waist and down over your ass.

“Worth the wait?” you asked, nearly breathless but smiling down at him.

Dean chuckled and moved his one hand up to brush a patch of sweaty hair from your brow. “And then some.”

You kissed him gently, then moved off his lap, falling to the bed beside him with a sigh of satisfaction. Dean reluctantly got up from the bed and excused himself to the bathroom. He was only gone a minute and leaped back into the bed next to you, attacking your neck with his mouth. Though you were exhausted, your body was still reeling from being with him. Forget the physical sensation, but the emotional one was all your mind could focus on now.

Dean Winchester, he had been your best friend for more than twenty years. He was the one you sought out for advice, he was your hunting partner, your drinking buddy, your partner in crime and in shenanigans. Now, was he really going to be your lover, too? Could you see yourself being with him like that? Risking a lifetime of friendship for the possibility of falling in love?

You wanted to say something, but not ruin the moment either. Instead, you just let yourself go, and tried not to think about it. Dean had the covers pulled up over you now, and rolled you onto your back while trailing light kisses along your shoulder.

“You okay with all this?” he asked, his expression turning serious.

“If you’re asking if I regret it, no, I don’t. But what is all this, exactly?”

“Whatever we want it to be. There’s no rules here, Y/N. You know, besides my brother, you’re the most important person in the world to me. And, yeah… I’ve wanted you for a long ass time. But I don’t want you to feel pressured.”

“Pressured into what?”

Dean considered for a moment and tried to choose his words carefully. “Being with me. Just me. If that’s not something you want—”

“Shut up,” you interrupted and sat up on one elbow. “I’m good right here with you, Dean. Doesn’t need to be defined. I realize now all those others were just a placeholder for you, too.”

“You really mean that?”

You nodded and kissed him. “Really.”

Dean settled back into the bed and drew you into the crook of his shoulder. You laid there wrapped in his arms, just breathing him in and relishing in this sudden turn life had taken when you heard the door start to open. The chain caught it and you pulled the covers up to your neck just as Sam’s face stuck through the crack in the door.

“Dean! Come on man, let me in,” he whined.

Dean looked to you and chuckled when he saw your expression. “You good?”

You nodded slightly and sunk down into the bed, pulling the covers over your head. You barely had time to register that you and Dean just had mind-blowing sex and were now discussing being a thing, but you had to contend with Sam, too?

“One minute,” he called out, and Sam shut the door.

Dean grabbed his boxers and jeans, slipped them back on and went to let his little brother in.

“Sorry, I was uh… entertaining,” Dean smirked and raised his eyes brows in triumph as Sam walked into the room.

“Man, seriously? Can’t you get your own room for that?”

“Sorry little brother, these things can’t be helped.”

Sam looked around and saw the mess of clothes all over the floor, then noticed your breathing lump beneath the covers.

“Dean,” he said through gritted teeth. “Your company is still here.”

“She sure is.”

“Hi Sam,” you spoke up sheepishly through the blanket over your face. “How’s it going?”

“Y/N?!” he gasped, his eyes wide with shock as he whipped his head around to look at his brother, who nodded still wearing his victorious smile. “Jesus…” Sam sighed and shook his head. “Well, damn, its about damn time. Geez. I just don’t get why you guys couldn’t have went to her room?”

“What?” you asked, sitting up and uncovering your face. “What does that mean… about time?”

Sam’s face immediately blushed when he realized you were completely naked under the sheets. He turned his head and stuttered his response. “It’s—it—it’s just that… you and Dean, this has been coming for a while and—” he smacked himself in the head for his choice of words. “Dammit. You know what I mean. You know what, I’m gonna go… I can’t be here right now.”

“Take my room, Sam. Key is in my jacket pocket. And don’t worry, this doesn’t change anything. I promise I’ll still let you ride shotgun.”

Sam rolled his eyes, then quickly turned to grab your coat from the floor and retrieved the key before he made a quick exit from the room. Dean was snickering at his brother as he slammed the door behind him and could be seen nearly sprinting away down the walkway towards your room.

“So, that just happened,” you groaned and fell back to the bed.

“I wouldn’t worry about Sammy, he’ll take it all in stride.” Dean came back and laid down on top of the covers next to you. “Like he said, it’s been coming for a while.”

“In your mind, maybe,” you said quietly and cast your eyes away from his scrutiny. “I never thought you even considered me like this. You were always eyeing up some other girls, talking about this one or that one…” you shrugged, and sat up straight against the headboard.

“I was trying to make you jealous. Guess I was too much of a coward to just be upfront about it,” he paused and swallowed hard. “You were it, though. The one I always thought that would be there in the end.”

“Is that what this is? The end?”

“End of one thing, beginning of another,” he smiled and leaned over to leave a kiss on your shoulder. “Still friends though. That’s always gotta come first because no matter what, you’re stuck with me.”

You felt an odd sense of relief in knowing that this friendship cultivated over two decades would remain and come first. “I can handle that.”

“Good. Now. Can you handle getting your clothes back on? You see, this chick I’m sleeping with distracted me from the burgers on the menu at the bar and I’m starving. She was being a sloppy drunk, I had to get her home--”

You raised your fist like you were going to punch him and he rolled away from you. But your arm hooked around his waist in time to prevent him from getting off the bed. You forced him back to where he was and quickly straddled him again. That look of lust was already back in his eyes as you grabbed his wrists and pinned them back up against the headboard.

“I may have been drunk, but I can still pin your ass down.”

“Unfair advantage when you’re naked and I’m weak-willed.”

You dove down to his neck and left a rough, biting kiss there. “Still want that burger?”

He shook his head and a mischievous gleam glistened in Dean’s eyes. In one swift motion, he had you flipped on your back while he hovered over you and used part of his weight to hold you down. He trailed his mouth down your chest and across your abdomen and positioned himself between your legs. Still sensitive from your first encounter with him, the touch of his tongue against your clit caused a whole body shiver to course through you.

“Fuuck, warn a girl, would ya?” you mewed as your hands gripped each side of his head to try and control him as he lavished your sex with his tongue.

Dean wrapped his arms under your thighs and then pinned them open further, giving him as much access to you as he could get. Your hips moved with him, your moans louder and louder with each pass of his teeth and tongue. This time when you finally came, he refused to let go, drinking you in until your body went limp with exhaustion.

You watched him through the hazy afterglow, sit up and wipe his face clean with the sheet, leaving behind only that triumphant grin.

“Now, I’m ready for that burger,” he winked. “Wanna grab a shower with me real quick? Go find some grub?”

Still, in a daze from everything, you were able to give him a smile and nod, because words just wouldn’t come. Dean helped you up off the bed but held into your hand for a moment.

“Still feel good with all this?” he asked, his features softer than normal.

“Yeah, Dean. More than good. Best I’ve felt in forever, actually.”

“Alright then. Shower, burgers, bed,” he said, picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder as he walked towards the bathroom. Though you playfully smacked at his back to put you down, you never wanted him to let you go. You never wanted to spend another night without him.

Everything tags: @kazosa // @sorenmarie87 // @lefthologramdeer // @his-paradox // @letsby // @thefaithfulwriter // @sister-winchesters99

Supernatural tags: @wings-of-a-raven // @negans-wife // @mrsbarnes-rogers // @teller258316 // @spnhollis // @sweet-things-4-life // @hobby27 // @sweetlythoughtfulbird // @theoriginalvicki // @dreamchester67 // @xxwarhawk // @babykalika2001 // @superwhovainfangirl // @toobusynerdfighting // @missihart23 // @idreamofplaid // @thewinchesterchronicles // @waywardgypsy // @closetspngirl // @fatestemptress // @rebelminxy // @22sarah08 // @witch-of-letters // @cole-winchester // @rainflowermoon // @adoptdontshoppets // @waywardvalkyrie // @fandomoniumflurry // @blackcherrywhiskey // @jessieray98 // @lyoly // @a--1--1--3 // @31shadesofbrown // @whereismyangel-damnitdeanshare // @pilaxia // @screechingartisancashbailiff // @kgbrenner // @holylulusworld // @deansenwackles // @jamielea81 // @coffeebooksandfandom // @logical-princey // @gemini0410 // @salt-n-burn-em-all // @collette04 // @mrswhozeewhatsis // @deathofmissjackson // @lauravic // @akshi8278 // @katehuntington // @81mysteriouslyme 

[chicgeekgirl89]

I Could Have Loved You: A SEAL Team Fanfic

A/N: This fic. This. Fic. It started as one thing and then it was something else and now I don't know what it is except all kinds of feelings. Basically it's a look at the six weeks in between "Never Out of the Fight" and when Lisa will presumably leave for her officer billet (NO IT'S FINE I'M NOT CRYING THEY'RE TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE THIS WORK NEXT SEASON OKAY?!). These two are special and I hope I'm able to convey that in this fic. As a bonus there will be recommended listening for each chapter. Just songs that sort of make me think of them and mildly influenced some aspects of the chapter. Not necessary, but extra fun! Enjoy!

Recommended Listening: "All to Myself" by Dan + Shay

                                       XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Chapter 1

“Hey there baby face.” Lisa ran her fingers over the smoothness of his cheeks. “Barely even recognized you yesterday. Thought maybe I went home with the wrong guy when I woke up.”

Sonny had left her in his bed the morning after Brett’s funeral and the only thing that had gotten him through running hills and working scenarios with the boys all day was knowing he’d see her again tonight. 

Six weeks. He was getting six weeks with her. And then…he wouldn’t think about what came next. He didn’t want to. Not yet. They had time. Six weeks was practically forever.

“Yeah well, gotta get all gussied up here once in a while. Snap a pic, make my mama happy,” he said. “Too damn bad though. That beard was a work of art.”

“It was a beard Sonny. It’ll grow back."

“Hey! You’re acting like it’ll pop back up overnight like a field of daisies. You have no idea how much effort a beard like that takes. You gotta brush it and oil it and make it look all pretty so the ladies still want ya.”

“And here I was thinking you were just a lazy ass who didn’t like to shave.”

“Lazy—!” Sonny looked incensed. “Now listen here lady. There ain’t nothing lazy about a man growing himself a beard as an expression of his manhood.”

“Oh is that where your manhood comes from? Guess I shouldn’t be expecting a whole lot in the bedroom from now on then huh?” She grinned at him while he spluttered. “Come on cowboy, you don’t have a comeback for that one?”

He took a step toward her, brazenly invading her personal space. “I didn’t hear any complaints about my manhood last night.”

She leaned in, clearly unfazed. Damn, he liked it when she was feisty. “Well I wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings.”

“My feelings?”

“Mhmm.”

“Let me tell you something,” he was nose to nose with her, “you don’t ever have to worry about my feelings.”

“Is that so?”

In one swift movement he lowered his lips to hers, grabbing her by the belt loops and pulling her towards him. Her arms went around his neck, fingers finding their way into his hair as their mouths met again and again.

He walked her backward until they hit the wall and she hopped up, her legs wrapping around his waist, settling above his hips. Her movements had become so familiar to him over the last few months. He’d always been afraid of routine because routine quickly became boring, but things with Lisa always felt perfect. And definitely never boring he was reminded as she nipped at his earlobe. God he’d never wanted anyone the way he wanted this woman.

He kissed her neck and she let out a sigh. “Sonny?”

He paused. “Yeah?”

“I like the beard better.”

He lifted his head to glare at her. “You’re a mean lady, you know that?”

She grinned. “You got a problem with it?”

He growled and carried her into his bedroom, lowering her onto the bed and stripping off his shirt before joining her. “You good?” he asked, his breathing ragged as he hovered over her.

She pulled him toward her and kissed him hard. “Yeah, I’m good.” 

It quickly turned into the kind of make-out session that high school Sonny would never have had the patience for. Hell, Sonny from a year ago wouldn’t have taken his time like this. It was long and slow with lots of laughter, clothes coming off in between kisses and teasing. There was no rush. He was content to be here with her all night.

Sex had always been just sex for him. He was a no-strings-attached, don’t-call-us-we’ll-call-you kind of guy. As long as everybody walked away happy you could call it a good night. But this thing with Lisa…it wasn’t just sex anymore. She saw through all his bullshit, she always had, even before things had heated up between them. This thing with her? It was fun. But it was something else too. Something good.

Some time later she was wrapped up in the sheets. Sonny pushed up onto his elbow. “What are you doing to me woman?” he asked softly as he caressed her hair.

“Teaching you a thing or two about life. Being a man,” she said.

“Ha!” he snorted. “Yeah you sure are.”

“And me?” she asked. “What am I getting out of this?”

“Well nobody’s ever complained about my technique,” he grumbled.

“And you won’t hear me say a word about it.” Her stomach growled. “But you will hear about it if I starve to death in this bed.”

“Well we can’t have that now, can we?” He checked his watch. “Told the guys I’d meet ‘em at the bar at nine. I reckon we’ve got a little time to get some take out before we arrive there, separately of course.”

“Chinese?”

He grinned. “No ma’am. Indian.”

“Aw Sonny come on! It’s gonna stink in here for a week!”

He pointed a finger at her and reached for his phone. “You’re the one who made fun of the beard. That makes dinner my choice tonight.”

“All right.” She shrugged. “I just don’t think I’ll feel up to any more hanky-panky after drinks tonight if your breath smells like curry.”

They had Chinese. And then drove separately to the bar. Sonny met her in the parking lot. “Well hey there Davis, fancy seeing you here.”

She poked a finger at his chest. “You behave yourself tonight.”

He held up two fingers and grinned. “Scout’s honor.”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah scout’s honor my ass.”

“Sonny!” Jason came up behind him and slapped him on the shoulders. “Davis, or should I say, Officer?”

“Hey Jay,” she said, accepting his hug.

“I’m buying the first round in honor of our resident cake eater here.”

“What a gentleman,” Sonny said following him inside, winking at Lisa as he passed.

The rest of the team had already gathered, picking right up where they’d left off the night before. “That is ABSOLUTELY not how things went down in Panama,” Sonny said to uproarious laughter from the rest of the group.

“That’s exactly how I remember it,” Ray said. “Trent saving your ass from being taken by one of those ladies of the night. Only she wasn’t so much a lady of the night as she was a spy.”

“Spies look like all the other ladies. How was I supposed to know she was a spook?” He glanced up and saw Lisa heading for the bathroom. “‘Scuse me gentlemen. Nature calls.”

“Aw, come on Sonny!” Clay said.

“Y’all should talk about Shanghai!” Sonny shot back over his shoulder. “Far as I remember it was Trent’s ass that nearly ended up in the bottom of the ocean on that one.”

Lisa was just stepping out when he got there. He put one hand against the wall, effectively stopping her from walking out of the hallway that hid them from the rest of the bar. “What are you doing?” she asked.

“Just haven’t seen you in a couple hours. I missed you.”

“I’ve literally been across the bar.”

“Yeah but, that’s not exactly quite the same as what we were doing before we got here.” He leaned in and kissed her.

She pulled away and glanced over his shoulder as another burst of laughter filled the air. “You’re playing with fire Sonny.”

“Yeah well, I’m a little drunk.”

“A little?”

“A lot.”

“That’s what I thought.”

“Let’s go home.”

“And miss out on time with the boys? I think you can wait a little longer.”

“But I don’t want to,” he pouted.

“Too bad,” she said. “I want to finish my beer. You’re just gonna have to wait.”

She slipped under his arm and back into the bar. He watched her go, the sway of her hips driving him just a little bit crazy. Her cruelty knew no bounds this evening.

He waited exactly one more hour and then could take it no longer. “Well goodnight guys!” he called over the din of the bar. “Sleep tight and all that.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, you’re leaving?” Jason asked. “It’s your round!”

“Put it on my tab,” Sonny said. 

“What you got a hot date or something?” Clay asked.

“More like a booty call at this hour,” Brock said, checking his watch.

“I just need my beauty sleep,” Sonny claimed. “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.” He shot a pointed look at Lisa before stepping out the door.

He arrived home in short order and then waited patiently for Lisa’s arrival, which was another forty-five minutes later. He heard the door open, heard the lock click behind her, and then she wandered into his living room. “You trying to kill me woman?” he asked with a scowl. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she said as she pulled off her boots.

“When I left, that was your cue to also leave.”

“Was it? Huh. I must have missed that somehow.” Her eyes sparkled as she sat on the bed. She’d known exactly what she was doing and clearly had enjoyed every second of making him wait.

“If you’re missing stuff like that we’re going to have to send you back to Sonny’s School of Secret Signals.”

“Ha!” She snorted. “And what exactly does that entail?”

“Well there are quite a few. You’re going to have to pay very close attention.”

“Am I now?”

“For example, this signal I’m giving you right here? This is the ‘I Would Like to Have Sex’ signal.”

She scrunched up her nose. “That’s it huh? You think maybe it could be a little bigger?”

He grabbed her and threw her over his shoulder, carrying her into the bedroom while she laughed. It turned out she was a pretty quick study.

[chocoholicannanymous]

If the Spit Hits the Fan pt V (Glee)

This is the scrap fic formerly labelled “Glee 305 scrap”. Title from West Side Story, “Jets”.

Follows pt I, pt II, pt III and pt IV.

The rest of the weekend continues in the same, weird vein. At home Finn is in a funk that quite honestly is worse than Kurt would have expected. Yes, Finn had pinned his hopes on football, and having that crushed must hurt, but it seems to be more than that. Plus, Kurt would have thought that Rachel's Friday night visit should have cheered him up some.

And yet, Finn definitely doesn't act like someone who finally got sexed by his girlfriend. Oh, Kurt doesn't know that that was the plan, but. Rachel's text asking him to stay out for a couple of hours after the show certainly implied it.

Then there's Rachel, who's also acting strange. She's still being professional on stage, but that's it. It's stressful for everyone, of course, but Kurt can't get over the feeling that it's something more.

He does his best to not let any of it touch him though. Right now, all that matters is getting through the weekend, do his best onstage, and not screw up.

And finally there's Sebastian Smythe. Which is a whole new level of weird on its own. Really. Had someone told Kurt a month ago that this was how his life would look like he'd take Sebastian texting him – politely! – as a lie before Rachel's treatment or even Blaine's disappearance.

The first text shows up Saturday morning, just after breakfast closes at Dalton. Another couple drop in during the day, all detailing Sebastian's quest for information about Blaine. Apparently none of the Warblers have heard a thing. Again, not something Kurt would have believed not so long ago.

He wakes up Sunday morning to a text asking to meet. Something about that request makes Kurt uncomfortable, but it's not meeting Sebastian that does it, at least he doesn't think so. It's more that if Sebastian wants to talk eye to eye, and is offering to drive to Lima to do so...well, that doesn't sound good does it?

So, once the last show's over and Kurt's back in his normal clothes, staage makeup gone, he drives to the Lima Bean. There shouldn't be that many people there, not on a Sunday, and he's never met that many McKinley students there. The only reason he himself goes there is because Blaine loved it, and everyone he knows who's been is someone he himself took.

It should be safe.

At first they both just sit there, sipping their coffee, and making polite noises. Kurt finally speaks up after realizing he's turned a third of his scone into so much crumbles.

“So what did you want? It must have been something important for you to push for a meeting.”

Sebastian jumps a little, clearly just as lost in thought as Kurt himself had been, and clears his throat.

“Right. After I got back Friday Jeff and Nick were waiting for me – they're on my floor – wanting to know what you had to say about Blaine not performing. At first I don't think they believed me even. Then, Saturday morning it was all the others – well, the ones staying the weekend anyway. Hell, Wes even called to interrogate me.”

Kurt snorts a little, amused despite himself, because Wes so would.

“In the end it was decided that someone should go over to Blaine's, see what was going on, and then Thad decided that 'someone' meant him. Since apparently he's known Blaine longer than any of the others, or better, or something.

“It...didn't go that well. Blaine's dad answered the door, and while he was polite he wouldn't let Thad in the house. Said Blaine wasn't home, claimed that they as a family had talked about Blaine's schooling and agreed that his needs weren't met at McKinley and so on. And when Thad acted like that was the first he'd heard of it and started talking about how awesome it'd be to have Blaine back at Dalton apparently Mr Anderson got all weird. Something about how Blaine needed to get away from a bad situation, and how Dalton was too close to the issue.”

And that...really doesn't sound good. Kurt doesn't want to start assuming the worst, but he can't help but think that it almost sounds as if the Andersons sent Blaine off to a conversion camp or such and are trying to hide it.

Some of his thoughts must be visible on his face, because Sebastian takes a look at him and nods.

“Yeah, Thad took that about as well as you are. Only he didn't keep his mouth shut – for better or for worse I haven't decided yet. Because when he mentioned you Mr Anderson got angry. Not just a little, but enough that Thad got worried. He started ranting about how you'd ruined things, how he'd known all along you were no good for his son, and how if he ever saw 'that criminal' – which would be you – sniffing around his son again 'he'd take action'. Then he just slammed the door in Thad's face.”

They sit quiet again after that. Kurt's brain can't stop spinning, and the worst thing is that he can't figure out a single thing he can do to help Blaine – provided he does need help. It sounds as if the Andersons know about Blaine being drunk, at the very least, and think that Kurt's to blame. And it also sounds as if Blaine's not been that keen on correcting them.

“Damn.”

He's got nothing else to say, and neither does Sebastian.

Or so he thinks. It doesn't take too long before Sebastian gives him a serious look and asks what he's thinking of.

“Oh, nothing. Just, should I have another cup of coffee or not.”

“Kurt.”

“Fine. I was thinking that everything was so much easier when I thought Blaine had been seduced into returning to Dalton, that he was ghosting me, and that he was with you. There, happy?”

Telling Sebastian that makes Kurt feel uncomfortably vulnerable, but luckily there's no snide reply. Good, because Kurt's not above – as Mercedes would say – cutting a bitch right now.

“Why was that easier?”

“I don't have to tell you all the worst case scenarios for gay teenagers, do I? Because I'm thinking you know them just as well as I do, and I saw your face, I know I wasn't the only one wondering if he got sent to conversion camp.”

And as much as Kurt wants to leave all of this behind him, want to wash his hands of the boy who thought sex in the backseat was good enough – the boy who sang him a hundred songs, who transferred schools for him, who held his hand at Pavarotti's grave – if Blaine's in trouble then Kurt can't just pretend like nothing. He needs to help.

He just doesn't know if there's a way he actually can.

“Is that... Are they likely to have done that?”

Sebastian looks upset, and uncomfortable, and if he's got good parents – like Kurt himself does – then that's completely understandable.

“A week ago? I would have said no. I'd still say Mrs Anderson wouldn't, but I could be wrong. We don't always see the true side of people, after all.” And if he means more than just Mrs Anderson, well. That's for him to know and Sebastian to miss completely. “As for Mr Anderson, I couldn't say. I've never spent much time around him – or really met him properly. Blaine has said a few things that could be worrying, but I honestly don't know.

“I just really wish I didn't have to think about the possibility.”

And speaking of thinking about things...

“By the way, why are you doing this? I know why I am, and I can assume I know for the rest of the Warblers, but you? You only just met Blaine. And don't tell me you're just worried, because there's being worried and checking things out, but this is a level beyond that. I would have expected this from Jeff and Nick, possibly Trent and Thad. Not from someone who's still a newcomer and who quite frankly has been acting like he hates me up until not even 48 hours ago.”

Sebastian is back to looking uncomfortable, and fidgets for a bit before talking.

“I never did say sorry for the way I treated you at first. Which I am, truly. Just... It's going to sound really stupid, but I felt you were taking something from me, something I already though of as being mine.

“See, Blaine didn't tell me he had a boyfriend until like, 15 seconds before you walked up to us. Up until then? All bashful and flirting and acting available. And I'm sorry for telling you this, on top of everything else, but it's the truth. I wanted Blaine, and I thought I would get him, and then when you walked in I was enough of a horse's ass to think of you as the person taking something from me instead of being honest and realizing I was the one trying to take him from you.

“Hindsight. It's not just 20-20, it's a bitch.”

The words ring true, and so Kurt accept them. It's not until he is almost home that he realizes that Sebastian never really answered his question.

[grimelords]

I just realised I wrote up my June playlist and forgot to post it at all, which benefits no one. July coming soon, but for now please enjoy three hours of two month old thoughts on the new Kanye, the Red Dead Redemption soundtrack and two songs about drinking beer.

Ghost Town - Kanye West: Now that the dust has settled around Kanye's month of chaos I can safely say Ye is great and Ghost Town is the best song on it, though it's not a coincidence that the best song is the one where Kanye says the least.

DLZ - TV On The Radio: I've been obsessed with this song for a long time. The combination of the absolutely hypnotising drums and very good cryptic lyrics about impending doom is exactly my shit. Also the whistling right at the very end is a perfect moment.

Hyph Mngo - Joy Orbison: Someone had a thing on twitter the other day that was like 'quote tweet this with a phrase you remember that if you told a younger person they wouldn't understand' and someone said Hyph Mngo and I felt age 100. This song really was such a game changer and that whole wave of stuff like this, Koreless and Jame Blake's EP's around then was such an incredible time to be alive. I am aging decades by the second and will not be around much longer.

The Shootist - Bill Elm & Woody Jackson: I've been thinking about game soundtracks a lot the past month or so for some reason and Red Dead really is an all timer. They did such a great job capturing the whole feeling without it just being a straight Morricone rip-off (though obviously it is mostly a Morricone ripoff).

Touch Me - Wish & Fonda Rae: This song is so fucking good to begin with but then it gets really really good in the middle part and where they just start going hogwild with the sampler on her vocals, and then again at the end when it starts sounding like a Battles song.

In The Vespers - Colin Stetson & Sarah Neufeld: Ever since I finished MGSV again I've been thinking about open-world stealth as a genre and how I'd do it, and this song is really the perfect kind of soundtrack to the game I'm thinking of. It's already got four alert levels built in, all the way from Tense to FUCk and back down to Calming Down But Still Scared.

Human After All - Daft Punk: Human After All is still a beguiling album in sound and vision after all this time. The amount of noise emananating from every single element in this song, and songs like Technologic is just so strange compared to everything they'd done before and since, but I think that's what I like about it. It sounds like it was made in 1979 when electronics were a novelty and everyone accepted that they'd be noisy as hell. Also I had an emotional moment this month while I was driving and listening to this song and reflecting on how we are all, human.. after all.. so who knows what's up with me.

Disparate Youth - Santigold: The production on this song is insane. The drums, the guitar, the bouncing piano, it just has so much momentum the whole way through and holy shit I just realised that the video I was talking about last month that referenced The Holy Mountain that I couldn't remember is L.E.S. Artistes by Santigold what an incredible two for one.

Violence - Parquet Courts: This song has the potential to be embarrassing but it's saved from itself by the specificity of the lyrics and the backing vocals that sound like a smiling swing band saying 'violence is daily life!'.

Jane Says - Jane's Addiction: The steel drum as the central melody line in this is such a strange and beautiful choice and also this song has two chords and no chorus. There are truly one million ways to make a good song.

Heatstroke - Calvin Harris feat. Young Thug, Pharrell Williams, Ariana Grande: I really can't believe I missed this song that came out like a year ago, so thank god my girlfriend told me about it. It's incredible. Everyone is operating at full capacity in this song and the structure is so good, the Pharrell/Thug pre-chorus could be a chorus on its own but then Ariana and Pharrell trade lines foe the actual chorus, amazing. Also when Thugger says 'she got every read bottom like a baboon’ the way the backup says '..baboon' slightly apprehensively cracks me up.

Maximum Black - Bohren & Der Club Of Gore: More Bohren, carrying over from last month. This is one of my favourites of theirs, mostly just for the choir sound and the all-time great sax intro at about 4:30. When you start at absolute zero, dialling it up to a 1 sounds like bomb going off.

Dust Bunnies - Kurt Vile: This is like most Kurt Vile songs in that it's sort of just about hanging out and feeling kind of funny, which is a mindset I really relate to.

Here For The Beer - The Sloppy Boys: A bunch of guys from The Birthday Boys have a band now and it's really great. Comedy music is hard but this album is the best kind where it's just dumb ass rock and roll story songs and odes to partying. The way he says 'autographed baseball' makes me laugh every time.

Beer Pressure - Municipal Waste: Anyway that song reminded me of this song, which is almost the exact same song with a slightly different mindset.

Credulous! Credulous! - BATS: There's really something to listening to a song for ten years and then having it suddenly dawn on you one day that it's about an epilleptic 16 year old in the distant past getting treppaned by a mystic and a team of scientists in the present figuring out what happened.

Please Take Your Hand Away - Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross: Everyone's (me) always talking about how good The Social Network soundtrack is but nobody's ever talking about how they did a sequel that's just as good and goes for longer than the actual film when they released the nearly 3 hour Girl With The Dragon Tattoo soundtrack a year later. What an achievement!

What Does Your Soul Look Like Part 2 - DJ Shadow: This song is really on a whole nother level. It is really a kind of magic that you can get a 15 minute song out of a two note bassline and a drum loop, but when they're this good it looks easy. The drums especially are just absolutely hypnotising.

One Of One - Kamasi Washington: Kamasi somehow outdid himself on this one my god. The groove in this is just amazing, and the way it twists and turns into something darker and darker before the sun shines through and the hook comes back is incredible. The way the theme comes back all twisted up with strings near the end. Great stuff.

My Exit, Unfair - mewithoutYou: I honestly very nearly got converted in high school just because I was listening to so much mewithoutYou, and it still informs a lot of my religious thoughts. A running theme through a lot of their songs is wrestling with and trying to accept the idea that God has a plan for you that you definitely don't understand and getting extremely upset about it and that's about where I'm at.

Stand - R.E.M.: Apparently this was the theme to a show called Get A Life and it's funny because it really does sound perfect for a 90s tv theme. It sounds like it's two and a half minutes too long. Release the 30 second TV theme version REM.

BFG Division - Mick Gordon: I was watching a guy speedrun Doom on GDQ and the music for that game is so amazing, but it sounds really funy when the whole sppedrun is just clipping through a wall and rocket jumping halfway across the level to trigger the checkpoint. Mick Gordon really nailed this soundtrack, it's a massive part of the atmosphere of the game and it's really the logical expansion of the MIDI themes of the original, it sounds like the original in HD, this is what you thought you were hearing.

Angel's Rest - Marisa Anderson: Marisa Anderson's songs are so loosely structured they often seem dreamed up on the spot, but the sounds and moods seem so carefully considered that the notes themselves aren't so important.

Looks Like I Picked The Wrong Week To Quit Oxygen - Michael Giacchino: If Michael Giacchino doesn't get an Oscar for The Incredibles II soundtrack I'm going to riot. The climax of this is so big I had to stop myself from applauding in the theatre, it's irrepressible.

AM // Radio - Earl Sweatshirt & Wiki: I was having a week where I was really feeling like the phrase "I don't like shit, I don't go outside" and so I suddenly remembered this album. This beat is so, so good. It sounds like nothing else, and it only adds to the alien flavour by giving the second half of the track to an instrumental.

World In Harmony - Adebisi Shank: Adebisi Shank are really the perfect band. They love to have fun and have a big time and they started out with a perfect first album and only got bigger and better by the time they got to the third and broke up. This song is so powerful, and my billionaire dream is to finance a new F-Zero game and get Adebisi Shank back together to do the soundtrack.

Make Luv feat. Oliver Cheatham - Room 5: I'm slowly putting together a playlist of songs that sound like Music Sounds Better With You by Stardust in order to invoke some kind of euphoric 'best night ever' and ascend to heaven but this song is the only other one I have so far.

A Love Supreme Part II: Resolution - John Coltrane Quartet: I don't feel qualified to say anything about A Love Supreme, so I don't think I'm going to. I literally don't know where to start with this. It's damn good music.

"You Got A Killer Scene There, Man..." - Queens Of The Stone Age: This song is a real vibe. This should be a whole genre but I've never really found anything else like it. It's like if The Doors were good I suppose. It's shocking that this song only goes for 5 minutes because it really feels like it could go for 20 and you wouldn't mind. I remember a few years ago I opened this in Audition and slowed it down to 75% and I really recommend it, it makes the whole thing feel as sludgy as I think it's supposed to be and makes all the breaks that much more impactful.

Never Let Me Go - Sarah Blasko: A friend sent me this and said it sounds like a Bond theme and he's absolutely right, especially towards the end where it all starts stacking up. Maybe it would need a bit more brass to be a proper Bond theme but still, I love it.

Protection - Emma Ruth Rundle: I love Emma Ruth Rundle so much and I'm so excited that she's got a new album coming out. The absolute textural thickness she can conjure up in a song like this blows me away. I don't know what it is about her voice but it sounds like the 90s somehow. Does that make sense? This feels like 90s music, like the grunge female songwriter thing went a slightly different way and I love it.​

listen here

[candidlytaron]

Chapter Three: τρία

Play the lotto you might win it

It's like 25 for life so you bust out of prison

Something's in the air

It's like that feeling when you're just about to kill it,

Take your last shot you know you're gonna hit it

Something's in the air

— Shawn Mendes • Something Big

• • •

THE PROJECT

ISLA

    Isla and George sits across each other on a café. George takes a sip of his coffee and Isla is telling a story about how her audition went. They haven't seen each other in quite a while because of their busy schedule. George offered they hang out here, instead of the flat, since he wanted to treat Isla for her favourite cheesecake and thick hot cocoa.

    Georgios or George Alanis had been Isla's best friend since they were in middle school when Isla was still staying in Greece. They were both nearly an outcast because they were both new. George came from Sydney and Isla came from London, both are half-Greek. George was actually the one who got Isla hooked into acting, but Isla just couldn't abandon singing, so she began doing musical theater workshops in freshman year of high school. "At least I get to do both things that I love and have learned to love," she explained.

    Ever since then, as opportunities rain down on George, he doesn't forget to share his blessings with Isla, and she does the same, therefore, they both rise to the top together like they promised to each other. And now, they've auditioned in the same upcoming production, and are looking forward to finally working with each other for the first time, after all these years.

    And with their closeness, typically, people assume that they're a couple, as much as they try to explain a hundred times to interviewers that they're just best friends, with a statement even released in their social media. It's either that or they completely assume that they are eventually going to fall for each other. Their explanation was: if they'd eventually fall for each other, it could have happened a long time ago but it didn't. And none of them seem to hint out having feelings for each other anyway, so they're confident it's never happening.

    "...Georgie, I'm extremely fucking desperate for this, you have no idea," Isla says, placing down her cup of coco down harsher than intended, it creats a small spill on the glass coffee table. So she wipes it with a napkin.

    "So am I. Everyone's looking forward to seeing it, so imagine the exposure that's going to give you."

    She laughs. "But what if it turns out to be suckish? How's that going to go?"

    "We've won big awards two years ago, last year and this year, Isla. If it turns out to be suckish, it's kind of a part of life as an actor, isn't it?"

    Isla rolls her eyes. "Taron doesn't have a shitty movie?"

    "Oh, well, that's because in your eyes, he's perfect. Also, didn't you hate The Golden Circle?" He says, pressing his cup on his lips and taking another swig.

    "Yeah," she says, chewing on the inside of her cheek. "I did hate the story line. However, Taron wasn't even terrible in his performance there at all. If anything, he deserves all the awards."

   George shakes his head, smiling. "No, Isla, I was talking about the movie itself, not Egerton's performance. You thinking that it's perfect is already quite intrinsic. I was just thinking that that movie was definitely over-hyped for a shit story line."

    Isla gasps and throws a napkin on George's chest jokingly. In shock that someone would actually talk shit about the film that even she hated. It's like criticising someone's parents. You're not allowed to do it because it's going to be very offensive, but their child can.

    "What?"

    "Don't even say that!"

    Laughing, George takes the napkin off his chest and toss it back to Isla. "I thought you hated it! So do I. I can't believe you actually made me watch that shit."

    "George, I'm the only one who can talk shit about that movie."

    "And I don't?"

    Isla nods, looking absolutely protective and determined. "Yeah." And George just responds to it by chuckling and taking another sip on his coffee, with a playful smirk that also screams 'You are unbelievable, Isla Constantinou.

• • •

    A month has passed since the audition for what might seem to be their biggest production yet, and this, we get the results. This is a highly anticipated movie of the next year because the creators hyped up everybody with the release of its story line and concepts, including Isla. That's why it's going to be such a big deal if she ever gets accepted. But she knows in her heart that she's going to be good at executing the character. Like she's born to play it. She's insecure, yes, but this time, she feels really confident and even she can't tell why. She just have this gut feeling that she'll be succeeding if she gets this role. The exposure, the story line, everything's just perfect.

    She sits on her bed, with her chin on her knees, her toes curling on the white duvet and her phone in her hand. Anytime now, they will contact her, and she's been really wanting this role because of the character's great backstory. She was taught way back to not expect so much after auditioning, but now, only once in this case, she's breaking the classic rule. She knows she did well, and she gave it her all.

    Her phone rings, making her jump. She turns to the caller ID and it's the casting director. Her heart starts to race as she slides her thumb sideways to answer the call she desperately had been waiting for. "Hello?" She's trying to remain calm, but the pressure's already on. She just wants the result so she can get it over with, whatever it may be—a celebration or devastation and bitterness.

    "Isla Constantinou," the director greets. "We might just be giving you this character. But I'm going to need you to be able to try with the other casts to see the compatibility. Is that all right?"

    Her lips are quivering, as if she can't find the words to reply. She's just nodding and nearly in tears, but she keeps reminding herself that the pressure is still on. The results aren't final. She still has to be good at this next stage.

    Finally, she responds. "Yes! Yes. Who are the other cast, if I may ask?"

    "For your role or for the other characters?" Isla shakes her head as if she can be seen by the director. She doesn't even want to know who is also competing for her role. She just wants it hers without any more competitive demeanor nor insecurity.

    "For the other characters."

    "Well, there's Trent Grand, tentatively played by Georgios Alanis, Howell Ellis, played by Taron Egerton—"

     Hold the fuck up, She thinks, her heart racing even faster and she isn't even paying attention anymore to the rest of what the director is saying. She's only focusing on one thing. Taron Egerton? She's going to possibly be working with the Taron Egerton? It's everything she's ever dreamt of ever since she got in to show business. Although, the pressure raises up to its core temperature. This is what she's been waiting for all her life, and it can finally happen. Here, she begins to wonder if she'll ever get along with him or she's just going to get ignored like she feared would happen. But they will both be playing the lead. They have to almost always agree with each other, or at least would just have to interact with each other.

    She almost forgets that her best friend is also a tentative cast. So, the possibilities are:

         1. She might stick on George's arm the entire time whilst she fights her anxiety over officially meeting sober Taron. At least, when he was drunk, he wouldn't remember anything embarrassing that Isla could have done. This is a completely different story now. And she doesn't even know if he's going to remember her.

         2. If he does, it's going to be extremely awkward to hear Taron say 'Hey, did you became my instant best friend in the after-party whilst I was fucked?' She wouldn't know how she's going to respond to it. Hence, probably using George as a shield in case this scenario actually takes place.

              2.1. If she'll be honest, Taron would be weirded out by her, surely. But she already has a defense in case he attempts to distance himself away from here because of what happened. 'I saved your ass from getting too drunk at the party. You should be thanking me.' Unfortunately, though, she didn't save him from getting videotaped getting pissed and dancing awkwardly to EDM.

              2.2. If she lies, guaranteed Taron will find out about it. There were already a lot of eye-witnesses of Taron getting too drunk, let alone seeing the openly desperate celebrity obsessed with him, with him.

         3. George will be encouraging her to talk to Taron and befriend him. But he might recognise her.

              3.1. If he recognises her from all the gossip websites, it's going to be pretty awkward if she tries to befriend him. Everybody is going to think that she's trying to make her way on Taron.

              3.2. If he recognises her from the award show, he will probably welcome her with open arms or he'll interact with her—what a dream.

              3.3. If he doesn't recognise her at all, that's definitely going to be extremely embarrassing, at least for Isla's part. Taron possibly wouldn't even get to observe the mortifying moment but she will never forget it.

         4. George might be the typical friend who pushes you to your crush and that's not going to end well. Isla shall speak to him as early as now, but first, she'd need to congratulate him. It isn't confirmed yet that they really got the part, but at least, finally, she will still be acting with George. It's everything she's been waiting for because it never happened. They got involved in different workshops because Isla's house is a little too far from George. He offered that he'd give her a ride to and from the drama school, but Isla's step-father just shook his head. He never liked the idea of Isla being friends with George because he thinks that it's just George's way to get into her pants, which George vehemently denied. Nevertheless, to this day, Isla's dad is still skeptical, but is starting to trust George bit by bit because nothing has happened to them in the past nine years.

    The director stops mentioning the main characters and those who will portray them. "Is there any more questions?"

    "When will this trial be and where will it be held?"

    "Tomorrow morning at ten. I will be texting you the address."

    "Okay," Isla says finally. Smiling from ear to ear. "Thank you very much."

    After the phone call, Isla calls George right after. The phone rings, and George immediately picks up. "So, what's up?" He picks up, sounding like he's trying to contain his excitement and waiting for Isla to figure out. But Isla already knows the surprise, and she notices that her hand is actually shaking. She doesn't know if it's either from excitement, or from nervousness, or both—definitely both.

    "Georgios, Γεία σας! we're cast in the same production! Although, tentative, but still!" She says, almost squealing from excitement. "Tomorrow morning, we work on the compatibility of the casts."

    "Ah-huh? Is that the actual reason why you called me? Or is there still something else in your head?" George already knew way ahead. It appears that Isla's the last one to know, at least between the two of them.

    "What?"

    "Something tells me that there's something else you have in mind."

    Isla rolls her eyes, as if he can see her. "Okay, okay, fine. Taron is playing the lead and my character—Heather's boyfriend."

    "Ah-huh. That's what I've been waiting to hear," he says, laughing. "That's exactly what I have been waiting to hear." He sighs and shift quickly to another topic. "Anyway, what time do we wake up tomorrow?"

    "Well, it starts at ten, so maybe seven. Well, depending on the travel time. Where is it, anyway? The casting director told me that he's going to text me the address but I haven't received anything yet."

     Then her phone vibrates. He puts George on loud speaker and see who messaged. It's the casting director.

    "Never mind. I just received it."

    "Me too. I'm actually viewing it on this traffic at the moment. It's about one hour from our crib, but it's still depending on the horrid traffic. I guess I'll pick you up at seven."

    Seven?! Isla thinks. She usually wakes up at quarter to eight and just adjusting a bit so she set up the time at first. But she forgets to mind the deadly London traffic.

    She needs to make a good first impression. She has got to be there on time.

     She can’t tell who she wants to impress though: The directors or Taron?

    She swallows, and nervously say "seven it is."

CHAPTER TWO

CHAPTER FOUR

[inspirationallyinsane]

December 11 2020

Hi Tumblr :) it has been such a long time since I have written anything. I would like to say it is because my life has been crazy or busy or even interesting. But that is not the case. I think that I haven't written simply because I haven't felt like myself in a long time. It's funny, I still call myself a writer. Like if someone were to ask me who I am or what my interests are; I would always say I'm a writer. I consider it a core part of my identity and yet I can't seem to do it. Sad, isn't it? Anyway. The last time I wrote I think I was going to Key? Right? From Chase? Over a year ago now? Haha. Yikes. I won't write too much about Key Bank but I will say that it broke my soul a little bit working there. It was an odd place. A group of fully grown adult women, acting like high school children. And I would talk to the people around me about it and unanimously the response was more or less shock at the things that were happening there. I don't know. I cried a lot during that time. I remember my depression and anxiety from HS and it doesn't even compare to how it was at Key. I had never wanted to be less alive than when I was working at Key. I am young, but I can say confidently, I will never have a worse job. Ever. Which is comforting in a way. If I can get through that BS I can probably get through anything. Lol. But! Out of all bad things comes good, right? I don't believe that necessarily, but in this case it is true. As always, my disdain for my workplace inspired me to get something better. I decided that I didn't want to fuck around with banks anymore and that I was ready to start my career as an actual financial advisor. So I applied to three different firms and, no surprise (not really, it's a huge surprise, I'm in no way qualified to be an FA right now), I landed a job at one of them. So I was hired to be a financial advisor at AIG retirement services, and I began studying for my tests. I worked at Key for about 3 months after I was officially offered the position at AIG. I was studying for the first test I would need to take, the SIE. I ended up quitting (sort of) in August. Key found out about the AIG thing and they weren't happy to say the least. But. What do they expect? I told the district manager directly that I was being bullied at my branch and I had other people confirming that fact. Not to mention that when I was hired they knew my ambitions, I told them, I wasn't trying to hide anything and I didn't spring anything on them like oh no way? I wanted to be an FA in a year. I was told that would happen when I was hired. 5 months in I was told that it would take 3-5 years to even get an assistant position. I'm not doing it. And obviously I am a very talented individual. I have had enormous success in my career in 3 short years. You can't hire someone like that and expect them to sit in a boring ass banker job for 3 years. It's not who I am. Hire someone else. Um. But, the AIG job is in Eugene. So I had to move! It actually all worked out really nicely though because the fires in Medford left my brother without an apartment right around the time I was looking for something in Eugene. We were able to get him into my and Trent's old apartment within about a month, and I found the cutest little place in Eugene. I love my apartment. It is technically a one bedroom but I turned it into a sort of studio with an office. I figure I'm not going to be having people over all that often, so a living room or entertaining area isn't important to me. I love my office space, it is so perfect, especially since AIG is work from home until who knows when. It is considerably smaller than my apartment in Medford was though. But! I have been saying for so long that I wanted to get rid of stuff, cleanse my life. I ended up getting rid of a lot more than I actually needed to. And so my place is a little empty, maybe? Not terribly empty but there's just a bit more that I could have. I don't want to buy more things though. Everything I have is because I truly want it. And that's a cool feeling. Really knowing everything you own. I think people often have things that they don't even realize they have. They don't know their own possessions. I know for sure I didn't. Before I went through my things, I thought I knew, but there was so much stuff that I had no idea about. Craziness. There is too much stuff in this world. Anyway. I'm all set up in my new place, the only super sad thing is being so far away from my family. Trent decided that he couldn't come with me. He is doing so well at his job and I'm really proud of him but it is hard to be without him so much. This is the longest relationship I've ever had by far. And there have been ups and downs, but at the end of the day I don't want to be without him. He was here all week and he's actually asleep in my bedroom right now as I write in my office. It's kinda a nice domestic little picture. I miss him constantly when he isn't here. We talk on the phone though and we have our games we play together. Recently he got me into WOW. I had a lot of fun leveling but since reaching 50 I haven't played much. We gotta get back to it. Essentially though things are going well with Trent and as of now I see us being together for a very long time. I will say that I haven't always been so confident in our relationship but somehow I think we have actually gotten stronger. The moving stuff was stressful. I'm glad we got through it. And of course I miss my mom and my dad. It's hard. I enjoyed our weekly lunches and I liked going over for dinner every once in a while. I still talk to my mom on the phone, my dad too but just less often. It's not the same though. Fortunately because of the holidays I have been able to go down to Medford at least once a month for the last few months, and I'll be going for Christmas too. I'm hyped about the gift Kodiak and I got for my parents. I think they're gonna love it. Definitely unique. It's hard to be alone. I feel kinda bad because I know Jonno is here and I should text him and hang out with him and it's not even that I don't want to but I have been struggling a lot emotionally since being here. My anxiety has been unbearable. It's an all day every day sort of affliction. I have never had such intense and frequent panic attacks. I actually ended up seeing a psychiatrist and getting a prescription for anti anxiety meds. I haven't taken them and I'm starting to do better. It helps when Trent is here. I've been trying to help myself. I'm trying to go on daily walks to the park next to my house, I'm trying to eat better, although most days I've had a hard time eating at all. I'm trying to get out and put myself in situations where I will see other people or be preoccupied. I'm finally feeling maybe up to starting a stream. I think that will be good for me. Anyway. That's all to say, I've just kinda been suffering since moving here. I don't want to say that it was a bad decision coming here, or accepting the job with AIG because being at Key was worse, just differently. Intense anxiety vs deep depression? I'll take the anxiety apparently, because I've dealt with anxiety so much that even though when I have panic attacks the physical symptoms suck ass, I know exactly what it is and exactly how to get through it. Being suicidal? That one is harder to know how to fix. Haha. Anyway. Back on track. I haven't been able to finish my testing for my FA position yet. Um and I have essentially been out of work for 6 months. So. I was definitely ready to go back. I ended up getting a job at Starbucks a little bit ago. It was fun. My manager was very nice to me. I learned a lot about coffee. I had no idea it was such a complicated subject. My manager's whole life was Starbucks. He had worked there for over 20 years. He knew everything there was to know about coffee and about Starbucks. It's very cool but at the same time I kinda wonder how a person is satisfied just being a SB manager for their whole life. Like, at the end of that day, are you satisfied with your accomplishments? I hope he is. I could never be, but I think that might be a flaw. I ended up having to quit after only two weeks though because I had a phone call with one of my partners (?) at AIG and we decided that I could start as a part time advisor assistant until I finish my testing. My 7 is scheduled to be soonTM so. It wouldn't be too long but it'll be a nice introduction to the company, and allow me to start working with some of the other FAs before becoming one of them. I start that position on Monday. Um. I'm actually really excited. They offered me more money than I thought I would get. And the hours are fantastic, and it is work from home. I mean. Could there be a better position? I don't think so. So far everyone from AIG has been just so awesome and accommodating. I have had some administrative issues, like with my U4 and testing and start dates, but ultimately I think it is going to be great working there. Hm. What else? I've been playing a lot of league. LOL is my favorite game ever. I love it so much. I love watching it and playing it and even thinking about it gives me joy. I have gotten a lot better since Trent and I started dating. I think it's because I am with him that I wanted to be better. Back when I started playing and it was me and AG I never felt much motivation to focus on the intricacies of the game, or even learn different champions or positions because the person I was playing with was... not really better than me? It's hard because he was at first but I didn't have to play the game right to be better than him. But! I always saw Trent as this like, pro LOL player ya know? I thought he was just so good and I always felt kinda bad playing with him cuz we would drag him down in the games. So when we started dating I was like, I want to be as good as he is. I want to get to his level so we can play together and it won't be uneven. I mean. Y'all know how competitive I am. I think now I can confidently say that I am. Not at all the champions but I am confident in my gameplay, particularly as ADC. I've played a lot. But it feels good. Oh! I've also gotten into playing words with friends with my grandma. Nams is so awesome. I love being able to play her favorite game with her and chat with her every day. It had been soooo long since we talked and so when she called me a week or so ago I mentioned that WWF might be fun for us to play together and keep us connected more. And it definitely has. Such a beautiful thing. That has been helping with my anxiety too. She makes me smile. Anyway. I guess that is all for now. Hopefully I will start writing more but no promises. Just honestly it’s probably not going to happen. I think about writing a lot. Maybe I just need to sit down and do it when I think about it. Maybe that’s what being a writer is. Who knows? I hope all my readers are doing well. If there are any of you left out there :)

[survivor-rebelsvsroyals]

EPISODE 1-Well here the f*ck we are again! - Trace

As the game begins and everyone gets used to their new camps, personalities clash together. In the first challenge of the season, a mistake and a fumble causes Keaton a big loss but merges alliances together.

I want to die

ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO TALK TO SURVIVOR PEOPLE THAN BIG BROTHER PEOPLE. I’m in IHOS right now and they’re so overly dramatic, it’s not funny. I already feel good about this tribe- such cuties! Also, I hope I’m the first confessional.

I'm about to be devoured alive on this tribe. I don';t know anyone here. But I peep icons like RTP, Dana, and Ruthie on the other tribe

I don’t trust any of these people, HAHA. I am really excited though. Right now I’m trying to talk up Linus and Seamus because I don’t trust EITHER and I want to be in their good sides. I also want to get in good with Amanda and Pippa. I feel like Glo and I are good and I want to get a solid bond with RTP but... we’ll see! IM NOT putting all my eggs in one basket! On the plus side I think we have a real solid team! There are still a few people I need to talk to but... I’m being more social this season already than I’ve been on some of my others.. heh

lmao can i mutiny?? Earlier this year i had a falling out with some ex friends and one of them is in this game and the other one has a bestie thats in this game and honestly its exhausting. I wouldnt mind being here if they kept things game related but i know that they're going to make things personal and they're going to continue to spread lies about me.

tell me WHY my favorite person i have talked to so far (linus) is a STRAIGHT MAN. why am i hoe for the straight men. i have become the very thing i swore to destroy. i literally hate myself.

As of right now, I want to do either paintball or bottles because I don't want to be the SOLE reason we lose in one of those individual challenges. Also, I think I'm pretty good at endurance challenges for paintball so it'll be fine. My tribemates seem to be an active, ok bunch. I like most of them. I'm getting really good vibes from Dan, Chloe, and Trace. They would be the people I'd add to an alliance. I haven't talked to LAchie or Kwaton yet so maybe they'll be my target if we lose. Nic is pretty cool. I think we'll get along well. Still trying to sus him out. Everyone else is just fine in my eyes. But they're all just obstacles in my way

*a little while later*

The tribe call was initially about the challenge, but now it has become something greater: an alliance. I always try to get alliances early within tribe calls. It makes the pre-merge a lot easier for me. I actually really enjoyed the company of John and Chloe. I didn't think I would, but here I am. If Brien was on a little longer then he would've been in it too. Oh well. Maybe he'll be in the next alliance I create.

*even later*

I really fucked that one up. Jesus christ. I did terrible. Hopefully my tribe can carry the other challenges because doing that badly is almost first boot worthy. Ugh I fucking hate myself

*the camera man keeps recording but is losing consciousness*

I truly do not know how my tribe can be this messy with challenges this early on. Keaton is seemingly going to fuck up the puzzle since he GAVE HIS LAPTOP AWAY. We're a mess. The first challenge isn't even done. Jesus, if we go to tribal, I am praying that they will not want me gone. It'd be terrible

I meant to send this last night but I think Ryan got himself out on purpose.  Did he or did he not... that is the question! So I’m getting along really well with Linus, Amanda and Anabel at the moment. I love Glo but I feel like people will be down to vote her off if we lose. Hopefully my people winning the paintball match will mean all four of us will be safe but people are crazy so... we’ll see!

I'm kind of frustrated with my tribe right now. It seems like none of them know what they are doing in the challenge. "I can't find the puzzle." "I don't know the phrase." "What's the order?" Y'all should have figured this out a day ago. But whatever. I guess we'll lose and I'll have to cut out some weak links. I'm very over the absolute unprofessionalism of this tribe. 

YAAAAAS I’m so happy we won the first immunity challenge. I’m pretty sure if our tribe loses then I’m going to be the first person to leave the game. Literally NO ONE is talking game with me, I even tried to form an alliance with Anabel today and she just like laughed it off fkfkfkfkfkf. IM SO FICKED

Well here the fuck we are again! The rebels tribe is cute tbh. I know Nic, we played together well in Chamonix. Lachie and I made it to the final of ILM a couple years ago. Chloe and I didn't work well together in Kuwait but we have a similar sense of humor so I have a good feeling about it. I hosted Dan and Keaton in MB and have good relationships with both. I don't know Brien but he already basically told me he has my back, and I do trust him even though he is a bit of an outcast. I don't really trust Raffy, he's kinda hard to talk to. Everyone else is basically irrelevant. I was so convinced that we were going to flop and flop HARD in the challenge, and we did. But at least Chloe, John, and I flopped the least and got us our one point. Now nobody can hold that against me! Tbh I wouldn't be mad sending Keaton out of the game. He's all over the place and didn't even compete in the challenge. So idk, we shall see. I feel pretty good about my place in the game but lord knows shit always hits the fan for me the second I have to talk strategy. So fingers crossed ladies!

We really got our asses handed to us HUH!? Honestly, I feel okay? I think I’ve chatted a bit with everyone and had meaningful convos, but that means nothing. I lost my wave so why should I feel super safe? I mean Keaton should be worried for sure, but I love him, so I’m just trying to see if there’s another option. I personally can’t fucking stand Raffy, BUT everyone seems to enjoy his twinky shady ass. Can’t relate!! I’m just gonna work on my growing bond with Asya and Nic and see where that takes me (: Here’s a list of who I trust from most to least so far! 

 1. Asya 

 2. Nic 

3. Lachie 

4. Trent 

5. Chloe 

6. Keaton 

7. Brien 

8. John 

9. Raffy

Losing the challenge sucks. Especially since we got stomped on. My target for this tribal is Trace. I don't really talk to him, and he just didn't do the challenge. That's a liability in my eyes. So, he has to go. However, I'm trying to avoid spreading his name so early until a few hours before tribal. People are being hesitant to throw out names because they don't want to be "That Guy." It's scary out here. I feel like I should be fine since I'm relatively social and active. Talking with people last night, I think I managed to make Trace an ally of mine. I suggested working together and he accepted. So, hopefully that pans out in the future. It just adds another person to my ranks. It's extremely important that I make these solid connections to protect me in case of a swap or once we get to merge.

I’m in rebels vs royals WHOO these royals are going down. We lost the first challenge but it’s okay it gives us time to trim the fat on the tribe and see where everyone stands. I like mostly everyone so far but I think it’s the honeymoon phase now and things will get real soon when we all ruthlessly target each other. I played with Keaton before and we agreed to have each other’s back and I would love to work with him for the long road and even be loyal to take him to the end with me even if I was definitely gonna lose. I’m trying to flip the way I play with friends and not be selfish and stick my neck out for them. It’s completely a transformation for me because my first season I betrayed my best friend cause I didn’t want to go to rocks but when I’m reality I was selfish. Raffy- seems cool but he is also a likable player that I have to have on my radar to not let get that far 

John- I love John I know it’s early but if I had to pick my final 3 now it would be me him and Keaton. He might be playing me but he is just such a great person I hope we can work well in this game. 

 Aysa- Idk how I feel about her she seems nice however she also seems shady granted everyone is but I can’t let her get to far. 

 Lachie- my first target we don’t mesh well in our conversation and that’s a sign to me early on that we won’t work well in this game. He is my number one target at this first tribal we have to go to. 

 Trace- I like trace but he seems like a poser and I think he’ll say whatever he has to in order to finally snatch the win in his 8th time. 

Nic- he is quiet but could also be deadly he was playing up that he hasn’t played in a while and doesn’t want to go first and I get that but i know it’s just a play for him to integrate himself in the tribe. 

 Chloe- she is nice but idk where she stands strategy wise but I like her and I can certainly see it being hard getting her out. 

 Dan- I almost forgot about dan he is so UTR I don’t trust him and if I can’t get lachie I would love to get him out at the first tribal. Now I know people have past season connections but I can’t really do much about it I just have to hope they implode on themselves and then I can find a crack within all the ruins. I’m certainly playing this game differently then before I’m gonna be as loyal and honest as I can and i know it’s a marathon not a sprint and I have to treat this game as such.

I’m so glad to be safe this round! I fell asleep really early last night and I’m glad we aren’t on the chopping block because when I scramble I look like an egg head. I wonder who is going home on the other tribe hmmm

So.....I am ELIZA levels paranoid, even though it’s the first vote. Trace is my number 1 so far because we worked together in a previous game and he’s just cool. So I trust him. I also know Dan, but the way we left things in our last convo before the game was darksided...but we promised to work together this time. I am somewhat confident in that. I like Lachie a lot even though I don’t know him, and Brien seems like a strong player. I think this first vote is coming down to Keaton or Raffy. I am kinda wanting Keaton because I feel like Brien has him under his wing and if Keaton goes then Brien will be weaknened and maybe be easier to control? Keaton is saying Raffy is a strong player for some reason and we should get him out as soon as possible. So...idk. BUT...I am a paranoid mess, so this could all just be a big plot to get me out!!! Who knows??

Ok so basically I know almost everyone on both tribes which really fucking shocks me?! I was expecting to know like one person and then not be very invested but I was wrong luv. Because I’ve played with basically everyone before I like actually want to do well lmao, imagine me actually trying in a game. That being said I did so bad in the flag comp thing, I literally didn’t understand the rules at all whoops. She really thought it had to be all red, the only reason I didn’t draw it was because I was imagining having to fill in the background red after and I GAGGED. I luv Asya, trace and Nic. Last time I played with dan we both got to like final 7 but I barely spoke to him and I’m p sure he’s the reason why kate and I left. But I’ve been speaking to him more In this game and we have like A LOT in common. I’ve also been trying to talk to Chloe a lot because we played a Facebook game together once and she rlly thought I hated her and made so many vls about me, so I’m trying to like be more active in her pms.

A lot of people in this cast don't like me. Dan, Dane, Pippa. To name a few. With Dane it's very personal. He hurt me and I don't think he gets that I'm still super sad about it. We havent talked since March. We have so many inside jokes im reminded of and I laugh and I always just instantly wanna text him but I can't cause then I remember. I'm not going to throw his name out ever. If people come to me with it then yeah i'll do it. Anyway. I love RTP we've never really gotten to play together something always happens. Love Amanda. She's slaughtered me before but it's always been fun so I hope we can be an amazing team. I think shes still really good friends with Dan which might cause huge problems. Anyway later skater

oh shit a rat oh wait thats just my reflection hihi i was gonna do a video but i hate my face so we're typing today girls. so. i like my tribe!!!! i think everyone is like smart which is scary bc i have approximately 1 brain cell that i share w trent and it is VERY obvious that i am not in possession of said brain cell. i keep saying crackhead things to people and i dont know why, i guess im just on meth or something i dont know... maybe the ppl at my local ice cream joint(tm) slipped something into me bc i am in the mood to get WILD!!! i think as of rn i am ssn 90's sweetheart and everyone loves me and YES i am COCKY but i have a right to be bc i am fucking POPULAR!!!! my ranking is as follows, anyone who disagrees with me sucks ass. 

1. linus 2. dane 3. amanda 4. seamus 5. ruthie 6. gloria 7. ryan m 8. ryan p 9. pippa 

 i will not explain these rankings bc i am right, u r wrong, shut the fuck up

Pippa doesn’t respond to me, feels bad man. Everyone else is pretty dope though, I’m definitely getting along with Anabel the best, she’s probably gonna win the game. Honestly the big story is just how Keaton’s opening was so cocky, yet called us cocky but then he abstained and likely will be first boot based on the abstain. Fantastic storyline making a full circle in the period of just 3 days. Sorry this is probably lame, I’m in a shitload of pain, I really just need to sneak by until I’m not suffering from my tonsil removal and then I can really tear things up. Oh, also Hoodie Ryan is the only epic gamer on my tribe so I hope he goes far so we can rise up together.

so far I am getting to know Seamus Pippa and Linus and other but dan;t think of their names lol. Had fun doing bottles challenge then messed up  but our tribe rocks and we still won challenge. Where I stand I think I am liked by several so far. Wonder where it  will go who knows <3 GLO <3

Am about to be first boot and I’m not even surprised lol xx

I’m just like an emotional wreck? Idk. I’m trying to keep plugging along but I have so much stuff taking up time in my personal life. Like rear ending a car tonight :~) soooo I think the vote is Keaton, but honestly who the fuck knows. Everyone could be pulling a fast one on me. I tried pitching an alliance with Asya, Chloe, and John but it went no where so look at me booboo the fool. I just feel like I don’t have much traction yet and I don’t wanna be caught off guard by a blindside tonight. I’m always just so paranoid at first tribal. Why didn’t we just kill the royals in the comp. fucking flop ass tribe.

Okay so THESE PEOPLE WANNA KILL ME. I thought I would be good with Chloe, Dan, and Trace but they all ran to the kingpin, Nic. I tried to throw Raffy under a bus, but Lachie and Asya protect, John didn't wanna talk, and Brien...I'm sorry Weber. You better fuckin kill it this game. Time to do what I do best though...cause an absolute shitton of chaos....for you Weber.

[wrestlingisfake]

G1 Climax finals preview

Saturday night!  Sunday morning!  2am Eastern!  Watch it on demand tomorrow afternoon!  Or go to bed early and set your alarm to catch the end of it.  Or be like Shawn Michaels with that intern and stay UP! ALL! NIGHT!

Oh, and if you’ve been hearing about the G1 for the last month, don’t think it’s too late to get into it.  This is not some prestige nerd show where the finale won’t make sense if you didn’t watch the last 18 episodes.  All the backstory was cool and all but it’s in the past, and all that matters now is the present, brother.  You don’t have to be a super-dork like me and watch the whole thing.

However, for the benefit of super-dorks, I gotta put the entire card under a cut because I don’t want to spoil last night’s show (it was good).

Tetsuya Naito vs. Kenny Omega - This is the final match of this year’s G1 Climax tournament, between the winners of A Block and B Block.  There is no time limit and there must be a winner.  Aside from a trophy and an oversize novelty check, the winner of the G1 receives a briefcase containing a contract for an IWGP heavyweight title match in the main event of Wrestle Kingdom, the big Tokyo Dome show on January 4.  (Omega is the IWGP US champion, but the title is not at stake here.)

Naito won the G1 Climax in 2013, but he infamously faced backlash from fans who didn’t accept his push, and his title match with Kazuchika Okada was actually bumped to second billing (it was put to a vote and fans picked Hiroshi Tanahashi vs. Shinsuke Nakamura for some crazy reason).  The bad feelings over that formed the basis of Naito’s slow turn to a heel character that is too chill (tranquilo, 焦んなよ) to give a shit what the fans think or whether his opponent is pissed off that he’s stalling.  That got so hot that he’s essentially a tweener now, with more face heat from being a super-dick than he ever got in 2013.  If he wins here and goes on to face Okada for the title, this time ain’t nobody votin’ him out of nothin’.

Omega won last year’s G1, becoming the first non-Japanese guy to do so.  It’s only been 20 months since he took over the spot AJ Styles left behind, but in that time he’s reshaped both Bullet Club and the role of evil Westerner in his image.  Omega, of course, took his G1 briefcase to Wrestle Kingdom 11 and started an epic rivalry with Okada, and there’s a lot of hype to see the fourth chapter at Wrestle Kingdom 12.  Of course, there was a lot of hype to see Omega vs. Kota Ibushi here in this match, and that didn’t happen, so don’t count on New Japan not to dick with your dreams.

It’s unusual for the leaders of heel factions to face off at all, let alone one-on-one, so the last time Omega and Naito wrestled was a year ago in the G1 B Block finals.  That may have been the best match of the tournament (if not all of 2016), and this time both guys don’t have to save anything for tomorrow.  The only real plot point here is that both guys are fucking exhausted--Naito reportedly has a legit shoulder issue, and Omega has been selling injuries that may or may not be based on actual ones.  I feel like it evens out to a fair fight, but expect to see them wrestling more like wounded animals than fresh fighters at their athletic peak.

Either guy could win.  In my heart of hearts I think Omega should go on to win the title from Okada in the Tokyo Dome, but I have to admit nothing would be more appropriate than Naito disrupting somebody else’s epic push.  In terms of long-range booking, the big issue is that Kenny has a very full plate, between chasing Okada, leading the US expansion, teasing a Bullet Club civil war with Cody Rhodes, and defending the US championship.  Naito, in contrast, doesn’t have a clear direction; he could go after the intercontinental championship again, but it’d just be a repeat of his last run with it. 

My gut says that in a perfect world--where New Japan’s US plans work out--Omega leaves the world title behind to be the ace of the US brand, while Naito and Okada become the Big Two of the domestic market.  That may not be how 2018 actually pans out, but it feels like that’s what NJPW is shooting for today.  So I’d probably lose money on it, but I’m betting on Naito.

Kazuchika Okada & Tomohiro Ishii & Toru Yano & Gedo vs. EVIL & SANADA & BUSHI & Hiromu Takahashi - One of the key storylines coming out of the G1 is that Evil scored a win over Okada, so until things are settled with Omega and Naito he’s the logical #1 contender.  This match should play that up, along with possibly some direction for Evil/Sanada/Bushi and the NEVER trios championship.  Okada looked like he got killed to death last night so he probably needs to get a win here, but I bet it won’t be too painless.

Hiroshi Tanahashi & Kota Ibushi & Michael Elgin vs. Minoru Suzuki & Zack Sabre, Jr. & Takashi Iizuka - During the tournament intercontinental champion Tanahashi was pinned by Ibushi and Sabre, and NEVER champion Suzuki was pinned by Elgin, so we’ll probably see some teases of those potential title matches.  Suzuki just suffered a pretty humiliating loss to Toru Yano so I expect they’ll make it up him with a win.

Hanson & Raymond Rowe vs. Cody Rhodes & Hangman Page - War Machine is defending the IWGP heavyweight tag team title.  They won the belts from Bullet Club’s Tama Tonga and Tanga Loa back in the US tour, so now they’re facing two other Bullet Club guys. 

The Cody/Page team is interesting in that you’ve got the ROH world champion (who is a fairly big deal in NJPW) with a glorified curtain jerker.  One-on-one Cody would be the heavy favorite against either guy from War Machine, so the question will be whether that’s enough to win with literally any random-ass warm body for a partner.  My guess is no.  War Machine retains.  (Here is the awesome War Machine theme so you can listen to it when they probably won’t play it at the show.)

Nick Jackson & Matt Jackson vs. Ricochet & Ryusuke Taguchi - Ricochet challenged the Young Bucks for the IWGP junior heavyweight tag title back in the US tour.  (The Bucks are also the ROH tag champions and the self-proclaimed “superkick tag team champions,” but none of that matters here.)

The recent history of the junior tag belts has been a seemingly endless circle jerk between the Bucks, Rocky Romero/Trent Beretta, and Ricochet/Matt Sydal, and I was pretty sick of it.  But with Sydal turfed out last year and Beretta switching to heavyweight, New Japan is finally forced to go in some other direction, even if it is just “Ricochet gets a new partner.”  At the very least, Taguchi’s weird comedy nonsense and butt-related offense make him totally different from all the aforementioned flippy dudes.

I never expect the Bucks to lose because they’re so key to the NJPW/ROH/Hot Topic machine, but honestly they do lose quite a bit (if only to win the belts back later), so you never know.

Juice Robinson & Satoshi Kojima & Hiroyoshi Tenzan vs. Bad Luck Fale & Yujiro Takahashi & Chase Owens - Juice is riding high after his win over Omega but he’s not going to be able to do much about it for a while, so he’s stuck fighting Bullet Club in the undercard.  I’d put him over to keep his momentum going, but they might want to do that with Fale too.

Hirooki Goto & YOSHI-HASHI vs. Togi Makabe & David Finlay - Not even sort of a story here, just three guys who didn’t do so great in the tournament and one jobber who wasn’t in it.  I’m picking Goto and Yoshi to win.

Yuji Nagata & Manabu Nakanishi vs. Tama Tonga & Tanga Loa - Nagata just had his last G1 tournament match, so now it’s time for his last match of the tour.  I’m hoping for a win, but the Guerillas of Destiny are kind of a big deal in the heavyweight tag division and probably shouldn’t be doing a job like this.  So it’s a real toss-up.

KUSHIDA & Jushin Thunder Liger & Tiger Mask & Hirai Kawato vs. TAKA Michinoku & Taichi & El Desperado & Yoshinobu Kanemaru - This is a straight-up rematch from the night before.  I missed that match but I gather the Suzuki-gun juniors beat up Kushida and stole his belt, and I haven’t heard he got it back.  Sounds like payback is coming.

[gretchenxhumphries]

Voicemail: I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of you. Don't know the name. But it made me miss your eyes... and your hands. You remember when you got drunk at that party and I got my face smashed in by that asshole? I was thinkin' about that too, and thinkin' about how I'd like to get my nose broken if I could be your date to another party, just one more time. Shit, it's like 2AM and you're asleep and you'll probably check this later and... fuck, ignore this. I'm an idiot.

April 22, 2016

Bzzzzzz. Gretchen groggily turned her head towards the phone on her nightstand, having completely ignored the initial buzzing that signified a call coming through, finally gaining interest when the most recent buzz signaled a voicemail was left by the unknown caller. Not bothering to move herself from her comfortable position on her stomach, she reached for the phone and winced as soon as the screen lit up the darkness that was her bedroom. It took only a couple of seconds for her eyes to adjust and clearly be able to read the words that now lay stagnant across her screen. One missed call & One voicemail from Trenton Lawrence. It took a little longer for Gretchen to register what she was actually reading and once it clicked in her brain, she pushed herself up so that she was sitting on her knees with the phone held out in front of her with slight shock. A piece of her regretted not answering as soon as she heard the buzzing, but another part of her knew it was probably for the best.

Looking to see what time it was, her digital clock read 4:14 in the morning, which meant it was about 2 over in New Mexico. Maybe he was out partying with some friends and had too much to drink. That tended to be what they did. They played phone tag with each other, and eventually it would catch up with them and they wouldn’t know what to do about it, but for now their little game was safe. It had been like this for the past year now, ever since Gretchen finally moved away. She’d done her freshman year of college at WNMU, the only school that would accept her after the catastrophe she’d caused for herself towards the end of her senior year. Then sophomore year rolled around and she had applied for a better school which she was accepted to and excelled at. Then finally, junior year came and Gretchen took a chance. She applied to Harvard. It was the best thing she could do since she was pre-med working on a degree in bio-engineering, her minor in psychology. It was more a shot in the dark since she was sure they wouldn’t want a transfer with the history she had, but apparently she was wrong. The personal essay she had written about her life seemed to speak to someone important over there and she got in. She actually could pursue the life she wanted and the life her parents still dreamed of for her. But getting in to Harvard meant moving away. Far away.

The relationship that Trent and Gretchen had was always a complicated one, even since the beginning. They tended to go back and forth on whether or not they were right for each other, but somehow they always found themselves calling the other up for a late-night meetup. It wasn’t even about being physical, it was just about being with him, being comforted by his presence and knowing that he would always be there for her in some way. That is, until she chose to now live almost 2,500 miles away from him. The majority of her life had been spent in Los Angeles, but Silver City had become her true home in the six years she had lived there. Who knew what waited for her out in Cambridge, if she would ever find the same kind of people she grew to love and care for like she did back in New Mexico. But she had to do it, she had to try. Which meant leaving people behind. Leaving Trent behind.

She couldn’t remember who had called first, probably her since her first month at school was terrifying with so many intelligent people who already knew each other and had formed their own cliques two years previous to her arrival. She’d probably left a blubbering voicemail about how she’d made a mistake and that she didn’t belong there. The voicemail he left in return was the first thing to make her smile since she’d got there. They weren’t together, they knew the distance would be impossible and their relationship was always rocky at best, but neither one could really ever let go of each other. Ever since then, the two of them had just had a string of bad luck. Even winter break managed to keep them apart as Gretchen realized she didn’t have the funds to fly home and then back once the semester started up again. The next time she’d see him in person would be at the beginning of the summer. Nine whole months. So much could happen in just a fraction of that time, she wasn’t even sure she’d be going home to the same person, or if she herself would be the same person. Still, she always had her voicemails.

As the school year went on, the voicemails started coming farther and farther in-between. Gretchen had finally started getting in to the swing of things and had found a group of friends she felt she could be herself with. She ended up going out more, worrying less about whether or not people would judge her for her past, and enjoying her freedom to do and be whatever she wanted. Once her 21st birthday rolled around, she even found herself accepting drinks from guys at bars. Eventually they turned into dances out on the dance floor, maybe a quick makeout session outside of the club, and even one or two of them actually managed to make it in-between the sheets with her. This was her chance to experiment with every aspect of who she thought she was, and who she wanted to be. And yet, that night of her 21st birthday she found herself dialing the number she had now memorized and leaving a half assed and mumbled message about how she was an even bigger and badder version of herself than when she had turned 18. Adult Stage Level 2 is what she had called it. And after every guy she hooked up with, she couldn’t help but feel a nagging in her gut that it was wrong. They weren’t the ones she should be with. They weren’t the ones she cared about. But her and Trent weren’t together. Not really. Even though he was the one she kept going back to, he was out of the picture while she was so far away.

Hovering her thumb over the screen, she finally swiped on the notification and punched in her password to unlock the phone. Clicking the play button, she held the phone up to her ear and silently listened to the newest message he had left. She smiled as soon as she heard his voice, a reaction she always had no matter what mood she’d been in previously. She wondered what song it was he’d been listening to, where he was when he’d heard it, and who he’d been with as it played. Was he out with friends? People from school? Girls? Her stomach twisted as she thought of him going out with other girls, probably pretty leggy girls with hair that fell perfectly even if they just came from a joy ride in a convertible. But that didn’t matter, she had no claim to him and she herself had been on at least three different dates set up by friends who wanted her to move on, though nothing had ever come of it. A laugh escaped her when he mentioned the party they had gone to so long ago, the one that had just been the start of her downward spiral. It all seemed so ridiculous now that she could look at it from a distance. Still, it was one of the defining moments of her life that lead her to where she was this very moment.

The moment the message ended she quickly hit play a second time and closed her eyes just to hear the sound of his voice again. If she called him back right now chances were that she would catch him. Maybe they could have a long overdue chat that actually had a back and forth and wasn’t limited to a beep that might cut you off. But something held her back. What good would it do them? Perhaps this weird back and forth was what was actually keeping their relationship alive. Maybe if they had actually tried that long distance thing, they would’ve ended it months ago. At least this way she still got to pretend there was a chance for them once she came back. And then they would have the whole summer to go back to the beautifully tragic romance they were both addicted to. Sighing, she placed her phone back onto her nightstand and settled herself back on to her stomach. Before closing her eyes, she brought her wrist to her lips and gave a small kiss to the infinity sign that was attached to the bracelet she hadn’t taken off since she got it a couple years ago. I hope you know that I will love you for infinity. Finally closing her eyes, she hugged another pillow to her side and whispered a sigh to the night. “And I will, too.”

[tsgannon]

Speaking of Suicide [and Depression]

“SEATTLE TIMES: Chris Cornell, 52” was all that it said in the alert. Breaking news doesn’t typically cite an age if someone wins a prize, so I assumed what had happened and didn’t need to click through, nor did I particularly want to. The truth was even worse than might have been expected. That you can be stalked to the age of 52 by depression and that it finally gets you around the neck in a hotel room in Detroit seems profoundly awful. Detroit makes me believe in renewal, as did Chris Cornell.

Earlier this week I saw a friend’s post about an untimely death of a friend’s child, a young teenager. “Passed away unexpectedly” or “died suddenly” was the stated cause.  A little over a year ago I learned that as the polite shorthand for suicide while writing my brother’s obituary. The interwebs are very helpful in guiding you to the jargon of obit-ese. I suppose it is less jarring than writing that “he died after a cumulative collapse of the spirit due to chronic illness, a bad relationship, a pre-maturely failing body and an inability to cope with life’s persistent dealing of bad hands and bad choices.” Or that he finally succumbed to anxiety that had reached stage 4 and metastasized long ago and slowly assaulted the whole being.  I’m not sure even morbid looky-loos want to read that in the paper even if being honest and talking about these realities is the only way we can build human relationships. Relationships that include an understanding of darkness and an effort to help build each other’s resilience.

In the past month I’ve read a great deal about the rights and wrongs of “13 Reasons Why.” Does it create a dialogue for mental illness or does it glorify the idea of suicide and suicide as revenge? I am not really sure yet, I’m somewhat trundling though it. Hannah Baker’s high school experience didn’t seem much worse than mine or most people’s as far as I can tell but that doesn’t change the results of fictitious characters or real people. There is not a do-over for most people where you get to realize that perhaps it was an overreaction or you’d like to give it another go. As a mother, I think of things like this in terms of my kids now: how can I raise them to know that high school is full of assholes and that is as it has always been? Heck middle school is full of assholes. By now it is probably pre-k. I can only hope that we are learning we have try to build our kids strong enough to navigate those waters and the tougher ones they will likely experience later. No matter how much we want to, shielding kids from all hurts and wrongs won’t make them go away. And telling them they are privileged self-indulgent snowflakes when they struggle does not help either. I hope balance in civil society somehow restores itself because I am terrified for how to prepare my kids for a world I don’t comprehend.

For many years I watched in detached agony and frustration as depression and anxiety ate away at my brother. In my eyes, they made him unable to deal with the thought of being alone and overly reliant on some very dubious characters, girls mostly, for his feelings of self-worth. He was a person who had fought extremely difficult physical battles in his life and persevered, albeit with major wounds, but there was no moment in his adult life in which I saw him comfortable in his own skin unless he was high on THC or some cute girl taking him for a ride. There was brief moment after receiving a transplant that he was a person reborn, but he was leveled by issues of organ rejection and a latent virus. After that time we often fought furiously as I tried to do what I could think of to help him find his own peace. I remember desperately trying to get him to believe that no one can understand his or anyone’s else’s pain, and that he had to let that go and love himself. His fate and luck had absolutely sucked, but surely there is some joy inherent in life to be lived and some light within to be found? I just don’t know. I failed in my efforts and resigned in pain, frustration and fear that all those hurts might train themselves on me one day.  

For my part and to go full circle, I have a profound passion for grunge music primarily for one reason: it speaks to me about depression, darkness and that being a common experience no matter how isolating it may feel. Chris Cornell, Maynard James Keenan, Eddie Vedder, Trent Reznor and the occasional likes of Marilyn Manson and others have been divine gurus of sorts on many long lonely drives. Grunge was a revelation initially of teenage angst.  I can think of few things more freeing that driving the hills and valleys of Montana singing along to the “Superunknown”- the mythical somewhere out there beyond the social shittiness of Hannah Baker-esque high school. I didn’t love it and the self-awareness that I was privileged, relatively popular or a good kid that should be riding high didn’t help.

If this isn't what you see It doesn't make you blind Yea, if this doesn't make you feel It doesn't mean you've died

Soundgarden sounded triumphant in its words and force, music to more than my ears. A few years later I needed it much more. I don’t remember most of my first year of college. It was a blackout of blinding depression, loneliness and emptiness.  My sophomore year was marginally better because I had a car and could turn up the radio loud enough to do permanent hearing damage and listen to Alice and Chains, Pearl Jam and others driving Route 1 or who knows where else in New Jersey agonizing over how by doing everything right I had completely fucked up. 

Hang my head, drown my fear Till you all just disappear Black hole sun Won't you come And wash away the rain

I was terrified I would feel that way for the rest of my life and never know happiness. That I was a broken soul. That there was not another kindred spirit walking on planet earth. I absolutely knew it was depression even at the time– there was no real reason for me to feel that way, other than feeling utterly alone in the universe. To me depression isn’t when you are feeling sad for good reason, it is when you are overcome for little to none. It is not as if having or not having a reason changes the experience any.

For me the clouds lifted for awhile when I left to study abroad for a year. I spent colossal amounts of time walking alone in Paris. Riding the bus in Paris alone. Doing whatever the hell I wanted to do in Paris alone. It started me on my journey as an independent somewhat misanthrope, which seems to be fundamentally a better course. At the time I think I accepted that I was not a person that would ever be accepted to a social circle or never achieve the promise that others thought I had and I once believed in.  Disgustingly privileged people problems, I know. But depression doesn’t come with a sidecar of perspective, particularly when you are 19. I wasn’t cured by a love of Paris or a long close reading of existentialism, though they helped, I truly snapped back when a close friend fell out of a window on New Years Eve 1999 and died. It hurt in a real and present way and I had friends who felt it even more.  It was a true tragedy that sliced through a haze for numbness and social anxiety.

It was in the end those trials that fundamentally made me ok being invisible or just alone. I did battle with the same feelings into my twenties until I actually got a real ass-kicking in my personal shitshorm of 2002-2003.  Suffice it to say that this was real and ugly, but by this time I had the training to cope and I was the not the only one caught in it. Seeing visceral pain in others was my apparent antidote. I hope to never again be staggered by the hurt and betrayal I felt that year, I doubt that would even be possible given the scar tissue developed. I probably listened to Chris Cornell sing these words 500,000 times as I drove around Los Angeles or on my way to the mountains when I moved to Seattle:

On my deathbed I will pray To the gods and the angels Like a pagan to anyone Who will take me to heaven To a place I recall I was there so long ago The sky was bruised The wine was bled And there you led me on

In your house I long to be Room by room patiently I'll wait for you there Like a stone I'll wait for you there Alone

By then it was different.  I had a reason to be upset, it was not an unknowable and consuming fog that could not be overcome. “Like a Stone” rang in my ears like so many grunge songs that this isn’t just me – this is just a time, a phase and a painful place and I can and will leave it. I am fine waiting alone, in fact I will just wander on as the chorus builds. And I did and have never been brought back, though the cyclical shitstorm of 2016 weighed me down until very recently, but not nearly as much. 

I believe we love these artists and musicians because they are brave, gifted and honest enough to find a way to express what many feel at one time or another, or – tragically for many – almost every day of their lives. Chris Cornell spoke to me and many, many others. I am sorry that someone couldn’t find a way to talk him back. Sometimes we capture the right words to reach others in their isolation and sometimes we fail, but we should continue to try.

[wrestlingisfake]

Wrestle Kingdom 11 preview

This is the 26th annual wrestling show on January 4th in the Tokyo Dome, and the 11th to be called Wrestle Kingdom.  The show airs Wednesday evening at 5pm Japan time, so Americans get to pull an all-nighter Tuesday night and Europe will have to skip work Wednesday morning.  Or you could just watch it on demand on njpwworld.com, whatever.

Kazuchika Okada vs. Kenny Omega - Okada is defending the IWGP heavyweight title, which is essentially the world championship of New Japan Pro Wrestling.  To qualify for this match, Omega won the G1 Climax tournament, becoming the first non-Japanese man to ever do so.

It’s been a big year for Omega, who stepped out of the junior heavyweight division to help fill the void left when AJ Styles, Shinsuke Nakamura, Karl Anderson, and Luke Gallows went to WWE.  In short order, Omega turfed out Styles, took over Bullet Club, and then beat Hiroshi Tanahashi for the vacant intercontinental title.  He dropped the belt in a ladder match that really put over Michael Elgin, and then delivered a top-notch performance in the G1.  Omega can’t replace any of the four guys who jumped to WWE, but he has unquestionably filled the role of “main event foreigner” left behind by Styles.  He’s on the rise, and it’s probably time to pull the trigger.

Okada spent most of 2012-2015 under Tanahashi’s shadow, but this year there’s been a clear effort to establish him as THE guy while de-emphasizing Tana.  It’s tough to say that has worked.  There’s still a feeling that Okada is overpushed, especially when you look at how he dropped the title to Tetsuya Naito earlier this year and then quickly regained it in spite of Naito’s obvious popularity.  With that in mind, it’s hard to say whether Okada will go over here, but it’s also hard to say if that’s because putting him over is such a great idea.

Since they’d been in separate weight classes, Omega and Okada hadn’t really crossed paths until this year, and they haven’t wrestled much beyond some tag matches here and there.  So I’m hoping this match will feel fresh and innovative, and that it can hold my attention after five hours of the rest of the card.

It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world if Okada retains, but it would be the most boring thing they can do here.  It would be a pretty big moment if Omega climbs all the way to the top of the mountain and captures the title at this, the biggest show in Japan.  I don’t know what Omega as champion would mean, but I’ve seen plenty of Okada as champion and I know that doesn’t turn my crank.  So even though Kenny is bound to be doing annoying “I am a smark nerd heel so I will heel on you now” stuff, I’ll be pulling for him.

Tetsuya Naito vs. Hiroshi Tanahashi - Tanahashi is challenging for the IWGP intercontinental championship.  He was supposed to feud with Omega for this title back in the summer, but an injury sidelined him and Michael Elgin took his place.  Elgin won the belt and eventually lost it to Naito, and now Elgin’s the one who’s hurt.  So I don’t know if this match is about Tana filling in for a planned Naito/Elgin match, or if it’s about finally getting back to that IC title shot he missed a few months ago.

This is far and away the clearest good guy vs. bad guy match on the card.  Tanahashi a beloved hero to all, like WWE wishes John Cena was; Naito is a total jerkwad, the leader of the sinister Los Ingobernables de Japon.  New Japan fans have started to like Naito as a “cool heel,” but I don’t know if that goes as far as turning against Tanahashi.  This could end up having a Cena vs. CM Punk vibe to it.

The best move, I think, would be for Omega and Naito to both go over at this show, and spend 2017 building to a big showdown between them and their respective stables.  (I guess one has to turn face, but I don’t care which.)  I think most American promotions would jump at the chance to do that, but NJPW strikes me as being more conservative with their booking, and more protective of their franchise players.  It would make a big statement to job Tanahashi and Okada on a January 4 show, but it���s not the kind of statement I’d expect.  And since I’m expecting Omega to go over, I’ll predict they play it safe with Tanahashi here.

Katsuyori Shibata vs. Hirooki Goto - Shibata is the defending NEVER openweight champion.  These two seem to always seem to be just a step below the real top guys, so you can think of this as the Dolph Ziggler vs. The Miz of New Japan.  They’re always fighting, except sometimes they’re on the same side, and neither of them ever gets ahead long enough to do anything more important.  The main thing these guys have over Dolph and Miz is that they seem like genuine ass-kickers who will beat the fuck out of you, rather than two extras from an 80s movie about challenging the preppies in a sports thing.

I keep thinking they’re about to push Goto any day now, but they always seem to stop short of actually doing it.  So, ennh, Shibata wins.

KUSHIDA vs. Hiromu Takahashi - Kushida had just recaptured the IWGP junior heavyweight title when Takahashi made his high-profile return to New Japan and…uh, licked the belt, so now they gotta fight over it.  Kushida’s a good dude but it’s pretty obvious he’s gotta lose here.  New guy wins.

Tama Tonga & Tanga Roa vs. Togi Makabe & Tomoaki Honma vs. Toru Yano & Tomohiro Ishii - The Guerillas of Destiny (Tonga & Roa) are defending the IWGP heavyweight tag team championship.  GBH (Makabe/Honma) earned this title shot by winning the 2016 World Tag League tournament.  Yano just sort of wandered back from Pro Wrestling NOAH to add himself to the match, naming Ishii as his partner.

I’m not sure I’ve ever even seen New Japan do a three-way match, so I don’t know if this is like WWE’s triple threat rules (anything goes, first to score a fall wins it all) or if it’s elimination style or gauntlet style or whatever.   I have absolutely no idea why they’d add Yano/Ishii to this match except to book some wacky swerve, but that isn’t really New Japan’s style.  Then again, it’s totally Yano’s style, so maybe.  Certainly if Yano steals a win it sets up months of programs with the other two teams chasing them.  So, uh, sure, Yano and Ishii win the titles.

Kyle O’Reilly vs. Adam Cole - O’Reilly just won the Ring of Honor world title from Cole at Final Battle, so this is the rematch.  I haven’t been keeping up with ROH but I like that this is the continuation of a major program from ROH storylines, rather than just throwing two random guys out there for a midcard match.  Like, the only things I even know about O’Reilly are a) he’s best friends with that hipster guy with the mouthpiece and b) he and Adam Cole want to murder each other.  The last O’Reilly/Cole title match involved thumbtacks, I believe, so hopefully this will be similarly intense.  I always root for the ROH title to change hands at the Tokyo Dome, but I don’t think they put the title on O’Reilly just to move it back after like a month.  O’Reilly wins.

Nick Jackson & Matt Jackson vs. Rocky Romero & Trent Baretta - This is for the IWGP junior heavyweight tag team championship.  Roppongi Vice (Romero & Baretta) issued the challenge for this match right after winning the Junior Tag League tournament, and the Young Bucks (Nick & Matt) accepted.  I think this is about the 47th time these teams have faced each other for these titles, but I can’t remember the last time it was two-on-two.  Usually junior tag title matches end up being clusterfucks with reDragon and Ricochet/Sydal in the mix.

I like RPG Vice because Rocky is a cool dude and Baretta is like his goofball friend that eats McGriddles from Japanese McDonald’s super-early in the morning.  The Bucks are like that guy you know who thinks a joke stops being funny if you keep repeating it but then it turns around and becomes even funnier if you repeat it even more.  I’ve seen enough Bucks matches to know how this one is gonna go.  I’d like for Baretta and Romero to win, but the Bucks have become (for better or worse) a cornerstone of counter-WWE major league wrestling, so it’s like hoping Harlem Heat or the Steiners will beat Hall & Nash.  The title stays with Bullet Club.

Satoshi Kojima & Ricochet & David Finlay vs. EVIL & SANADA & BUSHI vs. Bad Luck Fale & Hangman Page & Yuriko Takahashi vs. YOSHI-HASHI & Will Ospreay & Jado - Kojima’s team is defending the NEVER openweight six-man tag team championship.  The other trios represent the three major stables in New Japan–Evil’s team is from Los Ingobernables de Japon, Fale’s team is from Bullet Club, and Yoshi’s team is from Chaos.  (Jado is replacing Tomohiro Ishii, who was booked for this before being moved to the IWGP tag title match.)

This is a gauntlet match similar to WWE’s “tag team turmoil.”  Two teams have a match, and whichever team wins advances to another match with the third team; whoever wins the second match goes on to a final match against the fourth team.  The winners of the last match will get/keep the championship.  The order of entry in this match hasn’t been announced, except that reportedly the defending champions will enter last, giving them an enormous advantage.

This trios title is kind of a hot potato in New Japan–I get the feeling they don’t like to hot-shot the IWGP championships, but with this one they feel more free to book some crowd-pleasing title changes.  Kojima and Ricochet won the belts back in July with Matt Sydal, but when Sydal was busted for pot they had to vacate and re-capture the championship with David Finlay.  In the process, Finlay got to suddenly step up from a curtain jerker “young boy” to a genuine undercard guy, so that’s kinda neat.  But it’s been about six months with more or less the same team on top, so it’s probably time for a change.

Assuming we get a title change, the outcome may help indicate which stable will be dominant in 2017.   I think there are big things coming for Yoshi and Ospreay, but if Chaos were slated to win I don’t think they’d have swapped Ishii for Jado.  A Bullet Club win could reinforce the idea that Omega is rebuilding the faction, after a couple of years where everyone thought they had run their course.  On the other hand, LIJ is in a position to possibly have all five members holding gold by the end of the night, which would indicate that they’re still the hot new thing and Bullet Club will have to fight to not be yesterday’s news.  I’m liking that last scenario best, so I’ll go with LIJ.

Cody Rhodes vs. Juice Robinson - Cody recently left WWE to begin a whirlwind tour of many wrestling promotions.  As of this show, he’ll be the first man to appear at WWE’s Wrestlemania, PWG’s Battle of Los Angeles, TNA’s Bound for Glory, ROH’s Final Battle, and Wrestle Kingdom in a single year.  Juice, better known to NXT fans as CJ Parker, left WWE a couple of years ago and has been working his way up the card in New Japan.  But he’s still little better than a prelim guy, and that makes him the kind of guy they’d feed to a debuting star.

Both guys have a lot to prove, so this should be interesting.  For one thing, I’m curious to see if Juice’s act holds up when he’s in there with another white guy his size that’s a bigger name than he is.  He stands out among New Japan midcarders, but against Cody he may look more like WWE dark match material.  Cody, meanwhile, is just starting to turn heel as a member of Bullet Club, and it’s not clear what his “American Nightmare” character is going to be, or how it’ll stack up with gimmicks like Dashing Cody, Masked Cody, Mustache Cody, and Stardust.

It’s pretty obvious Cody wins here, but I’m more concerned with both guys showing something on this big of a stage.  Can’t I just bet that all the horses have a good time?

New Japan Rumble - This is part of the pre-show.  It’s a gauntlet match where wrestlers enter at one-minute intervals, similar to WWE’s Royal Rumble except that eliminations occur by pinfall or submission.  This mainly exists to ensure everybody on the roster that isn’t otherwise booked (like Hiroyoshi Tenzan or Yoshitatsu) gets to be on the show, and usually there are some old-timers brought in for surprise appearances.  One time Haku showed up.

One possible wrinkle that could make this interesting is the working relationship between New Japan and Pro Wrestling NOAH.  There are a bunch of New Japan names (like the entire Suzukigun stable) that have been supplementing the NOAH roster for years, but with NOAH recently being sold it’s possible they’re all about to come back.  Also, a lot of the usual NJPW/ROH names (reDragon, the Briscoes, Michael Elgin) are notably absent from the card, so they might pop in here.  In any event, the outcome of the match probably won’t matter beyond whatever comedy spot they think of to blow it off.

Tiger Mask W vs. Tiger the Dark - Another pre-show match, to promote the new Tiger Mask W cartoon.  New Japan has a guy wrestling as Tiger Mask IV in prelim matches, but W is a new iteration of the gimmick.  Similarly, Dark is a modern take on Tiger Mask’s archenemy Black Tiger.  Dave Meltzer believes Kota Ibushi will be playing W (he has before) and Ring of Honor’s ACH will be playing Tiger the Dark, but I assume NJPW isn’t terribly picky who they stick under the masks.

The last time I saw Ibushi wrestling in the Tiger Mask W gimmick, he had a much more realistic mask than previous Tiger Masks, which didn’t look easy to breathe through.  That could affect match quality, but then again they might have tweaked the design a little for this show.  I assume W has to win because he’s a superhero and stuff, but Dark looks pretty tough so ya never know.