#trust me if anyone's impatient about the progression of things

[violinist-rachel]

((Wow, I've been getting a surprisingly steady amount of asks lately! To accommodate, I might have to increase the answer-to-queue ratio temporarily. I'm pretty sure I can afford to do that for a small period of time!))

[outisgivingpac]

PAC: Little things you can do to improve your everyday life

Because there are days when simply existing feels like an extreme sport, this PAC shall give you some mundane advice to make your day a little bit easier 🌱☔✨

Check out my pinned post for my masterlist and personal readings ❤️

🐸Pick a pile/image you feel most drawn to🐸

Pile 1. Pile 2. Pile 3.

Pile 1: Queen of Pentacles reversed, the Empress reversed, The High Priestess

Dear Pile 1, there're a lot to unpack here so I hope you would stay with me till the end. Firstly, I can feel your fatigue streaming through, as it seems like you're buried under all kind of house chores and errands. What you can really use right now is a helping hand, not just someone who would nod sympathically to your struggle. Many of you could just be living alone, but some might share the place with someone who have different living standards as yourself. Either case, you could cut yourself some slack by asking for help, or simply letting others help you. On a side note, you might not have been eating properly as of late. Either you eat too little, or only fuel yourself with the kind of food that has little nutritional value. Though, it appears you're fully aware of all these problems, and just have to listen to your body more. You know better than anyone when you need to take a break, when to take a sip of water, or what you crave. So, yes, you should trust yourself on that as often as possible, rather than deeming it evil whisper your inner goblin lol

Pile 2: 6 of Cups, 7 of Pentacles, 9 of Wands

As it seems, people of this pile need a lot of activities and/or stimulations during a day to feel good in general. At the same time, idleness will weight you down like a plague. Without busying yourself with something that can be considered productive throughout the day, you tend to spiral hard in your head and become restless at night. This is often the case on those days when you don't have to go out for school or work. Aren't you a workaholic high-achiever with reasonable expectations for anyone but yourself? You're much encouraged to not take your day-off for granted, spending it worrying about work. Maybe you can pick up a hobby like handcraft (f.e. knitting, origami ect.), playing an instrument or engaging in certain outdoor sports. I know it could be much when you're low on energy, so it's important to find out something you truly enjoy to keep you (or your mind) active (maybe something you can do even when lying on bed?). The progress you make with your personal project will keep you in a more positive mindset. Lastly, some of you totally should keep your daily caffeine intake in check ����

Pile 3: 7 of Pentacles reversed, 2 of Cups, Temperance

For Pile 3, I can tell you guys are goal-oriented people, who could get impatient when your effort are not met with immediate results. The lack of progress or productivity, whether it comes from your side or other party, could frustrate you greatly and taint your day in a sullen mood. To make your life a little bit easier, it's important to turn a mental switch when you're off work. Set your priority and boundary clear, knowing that you have tried to do the most you can with the cards you're served. There's always another day to continue or try again. Besides, if you have the "all or nothing" mentality, having compromises and taking the middle road will cut you some slack. As the world is not black or white, and it's completely normal to have inconsistency in your energy level. If you have a significant other, a close friend or family member, spending quality time with them is like swallowing a health potion. Oftentimes, they act like your personally cheerleader, hyping you up and helping you feel like your effort is seen, waaayyy before it is recognized by practical results. But hey, you can start giving it to yourself, too! Start to talk about/to yourself more kindly, like you would for someone you love.

[kookygobbledygook]

Okay, I am about to piss off both sides of the debate.

I believe Cassandra shouldn't be articulate.

On one hand, yes, Cassandra Cain is infantalised by the fandom and that is in part due to her start in comics with being non-verbal and neuroatypical due to David Cain's training. It is rooted in ablism, racism and misogyny.

HOWEVER, as not only a person who has worked for over a decade in group homes for disabled people, but as a neuroatypical woman who grew up with multiple speech impediment, a stutter, and who had to do so much speech therapy as a kid that it ironed out my Australian accent, I hate that the discourse seems to be divided down the line of non-verbal, illiterate Cass is infantilising and verbal, literate Cass is empowered.

When you work in disability you soon learn there is a wide canyon between having an intellectual disability and being stupid. I have worked with dozens of people with intellectual disabilities over the years. None of them had been stupid. The most significantly disabled person I worked with never learnt to talk, needed help feeding himself, with personal care and almost all aspects of his daily life. He was also stubborn, cheeky, funny, impatient, enthusiastic about life, and had the best bullshit meter on the planet. He knew if you were there to help him or if you weren't worthy of his trust and that trust was hard earned. He was a fully fleshed-out, complete, adult man, with likes and interest and opinions which he couldexpressvery clearly. He passed away a few years ago and I miss him daily.

And he wasn't stupid. You see what I'm getting at?

So to loop back around to Cass, it annoys me that some people seem to think that Cass needs to be as articulate as an average person or write and read at the same level as her peers, to have her character progress. Why can't she improve and these areas still be a struggle for her? Why can't she be a bit underdeveloped in these areas not matter how hard she tries? To me it's like how there are people who learn as second language and are easily fluent, while there are other who will always struggle with articles, or tenses or the order of words or the use of plurals. That's not a sign of intelligence, why should it be that way in Cass' case?

I know people have shown examples of Cass speaking in lengthy sentences in the comics as evidence that Cass is articulate now and... yeah? But I kind of hate it? To me it's like the writers have given up on trying to depict what someone who struggles with language sounds like and have just ignored it, and treated Cass' dialogue like anyone else's. It makes her a flatter character imo.

One of the reasons I was drawn to Cass as a character was because she was so unlike me in many respects but in others so similar. The difficulty in articulating myself was a big one. And I hate that's been slowly wittled away by the writers at DC and now the fandom.

I still have a stutter. It's not a typical st-st-stutter. My brain blocks of the word before I even start to say it. But most people don't notice because on a completely subconscious level I search out synonyms. It's weird because if you got me to read out of a book, I would end up saying different words to what are written down, but they would still mean the same thing. And I don't even notice I'm doing it! Brains are weird. They compensate.

BUT I still have a stutter. Just because I work around it, and just because it's invisible in most situations doesn't mean it's not there.

We rail against other media when they find a magic cure to someone's disability. Hell I remember the outcry when DC decided to get Bab's out of the wheelchair. But because Cass' disability is invisible and more complicated to convey, we seem fine with it being watered down and framing that as character progression.

I want to see a Cass who is disabled and also an adult:

A Cass in speaks as much as she can in short clipped monosyllabic sentences because it's easier for her

A Cass who uses gestures and face expressions more often if she can

A Cass who struggles to find the right term sometimes and comes up with something left-of-field like people who have english as a second language calling a slug a "snail with no home" or calling raisins "elderly grapes"

A Cass who takes photos of crime scenes instead of writing down clues

A Cass who listens to audiobooks because physically reading is so much effort it takes the joy out of the story

A Cass who uses voice-to-text on her phone, but if she does resort to physically texting, she uses emojis

A Cass who struggles to hold down a typical job, and knows she's not built for university despite her intelligence because the type of intelligence she has is not valued or accommodated for

A Cass that leans more into the vigilante side of her life because this is the area that she is undisputedly a genius and where she doesn't feel as vulnerable

A Cass and a Babs who love each other but get into conflict because Babs does value the more typical hallmarks of intelligence as a computer genius librarian

A Cass who struggles with bills and banking and paperwork because it's deliberately set up to be labyrinthine to people who don't struggle with reading and writing. What chance does she have?

A Cass who not only has to deal with ablism but the intersection of ablism and racism as well as ablism and misogyny

A Cass who needs help with this stuff but is too afraid to ask for it because she's worried she'd be judged or looked down on or patronised

A Cass who IS judged or looked down on or patronised - even by people close to her, because even people we love have internalised ablism

A Cass who, in spite of being quiet is not stoic or shy, but acts the way she actually is. Funny, sharp, cheeky, cheerful, feral and kind. It's just her words are carefully selected precision strikes that can take down the other Bats in a single word.

That's the Cassandra Cain I want to see. And unfortunately I don't think I will, even in regular DC comics or in fandom spaces.

Because the idea that someone can struggle with developmental disability and also be smart is too much for people to wrap their heads around

[himbopatrol]

Cherry Bomb // a Steve Harrington Love Story

Danny Henderson, looks like a punk, can be found at any underage disco. Snorts when she laughs, mom doesn't know she sneaks out, loves her little brother and will defend him with her life, when the song tarzan boy comes out in April of 85' it will become her favorite song, but don't tell anyone. "You look like you just rolled out of bed" "I did" Has a bad habit of smoking that she tries to keep secret from Dustin, but ultimately fails. Is a "cool girl" but also gets her face smashed into a locker, don't worry the smasher will have their head down a flushing toilet by next period. Get's straight A's, and is a star softball player. Oh, and is hopelessly, desperately, disgustingly, head over heels in love with Steve Harrington.

Moments in time and space usually between Danielle "Danny" Henderson and Steve Harrington

originally posted here

Pairing: Steve Harrington x Henderson!OC

Warnings: smut (eventual), sexual tension, lots of swearing, some stereotypical rude 80s teens, typical stranger things blood/gore, sloooooow buuurrrrnnn, i don't proofread

Minors Do Not Interact!

A slow work in progress, thank you for your support and patience. Likes, comments, and reblogs are always greatly appreciated.

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six Chapter Seven Chapter Eight Chapter Nine Chapter Ten

Chapter Eleven Below // word count 3,230

Saturday, May 18th, 1985. Evening of the Hawkins High Class of ‘85 Prom

“Prom is stupid anyway Nance,” Danny complained, tossing one of Nancy’s teddy bears in the air. Nancy sat at her desk, completing summer job applications. 

“I think it’s sweet,” Nancy spoke softly, clearly concentrating on her writing. 

“It’s just a toxic social construct for teens to dress in ugly dresses, cry over dumb boys, and feel like their high school lives ever mattered,” Danny continued. 

“I think you’re projecting,” Nancy could hear the smile in Nancy’s voice. 

“I obviously don’t know what you’re talking about,” Danny rolled her eyes. 

“Mhm,” Nancy hummed. 

Danny held the teddy bear, her head turning to wear Nancy sat, “What?” 

“Nothing,” Nancy smiled down at her paper. 

“Don’t “nothing” me, what?” Danny was growing impatient. 

“What about Steve?” 

“Steve Harrington?” Danny asked, as if she didn’t spend every minute she could with him. 

“Yes Steve Harrington ,” Nancy retorted. 

“What about him?” Danny sneered. 

“Why don’t you go with him, pretty sure he doesn’t have a date yet,” Nancy shrugged. 

Danny sat up quickly, tossing the teddy bear aside. “I’m not going to prom with Steve Harrington, that is such a heinous idea,” Danny gagged. 

“You like him,” Nancy smiled gently as she looked briefly over her shoulder at Danny. 

“No I don’t! No way Nance! That’s disgusting, he’s just a friend,” Danny exclaimed. 

“Does he know that?” Nancy asked, returning to her job applications. 

“Of course he does! There is nothing between us, nada, not a spark, nothing.” 

“Okay,” Nancy held the note. “Remind me, has he had any girlfriends since we broke up, maybe even a one night stand?” 

“No,” Danny answered. “I mean not that I know of. What’s your point?” Danny asked curiously, walking towards Nancy, hand resting on the back of her chair. 

“It’s obvious isn’t it?” Nancy asked, turning to face Danny. 

“No, it isn’t obvious,” Danny shook her head. 

Nancy rolled her eyes, “Steve likes you, he probably didn’t ask you to prom because he didn’t want you to say no.” 

“He does not like me, trust me,” Danny held her hands up in defense. “Besides you only broke up last semester, I wouldn’t do that to you.” 

“Oh who cares?” Nancy waved her hand. “And yes he does, it’s so obvious, he just makes you nervous, that’s probably why he didn’t jump your bones the second we broke up.” 

“Nance,” Danny said softly, looking down at her socks. 

“It’s fine Danny,” Nancy placed a hand on top of hers. “I really don’t care, you’re cute together anyway,” Nancy smiled. 

“I-I…I do like him,” Danny confessed, unable to look at Nancy. 

“It’s alright,” Nancy reassured. 

“No Nance, ‘cause I’ve liked him for a long time, since like middle school,” Danny spoke in a whisper. 

“Why didn't you ever say anything?” 

“Because he was never nice to us then, that would have been lame of me, to do that to us,” Danny replied. This time Nancy averted her eyes. “Not that it was lame when you started dating him! Shit, sorry, I take that back.” 

“No it’s okay, you’re right, I guess he just charmed me,” Nancy giggled. “I wish you had told me sooner, I wouldn’t have gotten in the way.” 

“You were never in the way,” Danny replied desperately. 

“Steve is an idiot for not asking you to prom, though I still think you should go,” Nancy smiled. 

“You’re not going,” Danny protested. 

“No, I’ll go next year, Jonathan wanted to have our own date night tonight,” Nancy replied. 

“Steve’s like my only friend that will be there, it’ll be such a drag,” Danny whined. “I really don’t think he likes me, I mean I wish he did…even if he does, it’s just a crush, there’s just no way he’d want to actually be with me.” 

“I suppose one of these days he’ll just have to prove you wrong,” Nancy reassured. 

“Thanks Nance,” Danny smiled at her friend. “You’re sweet, I’m gonna get out of your hair, let you get on with that date,” Danny winked. 

“Bye Danny,” Nancy hugged her tight. 

Danny’s palm swept a tear away that threatened to fall down her hot cheeks. She took deep breaths as she managed to drive back to her house. Her head was pounding with thoughts, her stomach turning. Choking back sobs she thought of Steve. He thought how better he would make her feel, while at the same time, torturing her with his ever so loving presence. She thought of Eddie telling her how Steve had obviously liked her since freshman year. She thought about Nancy. Nancy thinking she should still go to the prom. Danny hadn’t been to the prom last year, she thought she could lie to herself about not wanting to go. But she did. She wanted to wear a dress, put on uncomfortable heels and chunky jewelry, while Steve held her tight as they danced to Cyndi Lauper and The Police. She would hope that they would play I Melt With You or Total Eclipse of the Heart. She would hope that Steve would kiss her, hold her breath until he did. Taking a deep breath, Danny pulled into her driveway. Her mom was away for the weekend and Dustin was having a sleepover. Great, alone with my thoughts, just what I wanted, Danny sighed, her shoulders falling as she walked to her front door. 

“Danny!” A voice shouted. Danny’s ears perked up, her eyes widening slightly, her hand gripping the door knob. Danny’s head tilted opposite of the clear voice. Go away, Danny silently pleaded. “Danny!” His voice came again, crystal clear. 

Steve came running up Danny’s driveway, out of breath, stopping to rest his hands on his knees. Danny finally turned. Steve was in a suit, a simple black suit, a powder blue dress shirt underneath, his Nikes, with no tie. His hair looked like it had been done, but ruined from the running. “What are you doing here Steve?” Danny asked, she didn’t mean to sound so irritated. “Did you run here?” Her voice softened. 

“My car broke down,” Steve panted. 

“So did you need a ride to your car?” Danny questioned, placing a hand on her hip. 

Steve stood, his eyebrows furrowed, “Need a ri–what? No. Give me your keys,” Steve held out his hand. 

“Why?” 

“So I can take you to prom,” Steve answered like this was pre-arranged and agreed upon. 

“W-what?” Danny stepped back. 

“C’mon, I wanna dance with you, I’ve already got our tickets,” Steve continued. 

“I-I, I can’t wear this,” Danny whined, glancing down at her jeans and t-shirt. 

Steve stepped closer, “I don’t mind, go change if you wan–are you crying?” Steve tilted his head slightly. 

“What? No–” Danny stepped back again, tripping on the step before Steve caught her. 

“Careful. Are you okay?” He questioned again. 

“I’m fine Steve,” Danny knitted her eyebrows. 

“What’s wrong?” Steve pressed, stepping dangerously close to Danny, pushing her towards the door. Her chest pressed against his torso. 

“Steve, I am fine, drop it,” Danny warned through gritted teeth. Steve looked down at her, concern flooding his puppy dog eyes. His eyes flickered, his tongue darted out to lick his bottom lip briefly. 

“Tell me later okay? Please?” Steve asked. 

“Fine,” Danny sighed. “I have to change,” Danny whispered. 

“Really?” Steve cracked a smile, eager to see what she’d change into. Danny’s hand fumbled around until she found the door knob again and flung it open behind her, making her and Steve practically fall in. 

Danny wished her mom was home, she would have been so excited. She’d be able to do her hair and makeup, give her hugs and kisses of pure joy. Now she wished she had listened to Nancy, a friend, to help her get ready. Danny dug deep into her closet, knowing it was there somewhere. Danny leaned forward, ducking her head to see the skirt part hanging. She grabbed the black dress and yanked it out of the closet causing a few other articles of clothing to go flying. Danny held the dress up in triumph and admiration. 

Danny and Nancy had gone Christmas shopping with each other and of course Nancy convinced Danny to buy the dress. 

I’m never gonna wear it, Nance. 

Yeah, but when you do you’re gonna be a total knockout. 

Should I come with a warning then? 

You already come with a warning. C’mon Danny, get yourself something nice. 

It is pretty.

The dress was black velvet, strapless with a hard straight neckline, the waist scrunched billowed just a tad, to accentuate the waist. The fabric fell just above her knees. Danny laid the dress out on her unmade bed, padding it down. Rushing into her bathroom, Danny plugged in her hair dryer and got to work on some purple eyeshadow and her darkest eyeliner. 

With her hair fluffed and makeup down, she squeezed into some old tights and pulled the dress up. The fabric clung to her body like it’s life depended on it, pushing her tits up, Danny hooked some chunky silver earrings on and tugged on some black heels with a matching silver piece on each tip. Next were some bracelets and rings along with one final shake of the hair. Danny trotted out of her room, smoothing down her dress. 

“Okay,” she said simply, announcing herself. 

Steve had been patiently waiting on the couch, attempting to fix his own hair. He quickly stood when he heard Danny, turning on his heel to face her. Steve felt his heart skip a beat, his breath hitching. He had never seen Danny so dressed up, his eyes widened even more after looking her up and down. Clocking the few inches gained from her heels, the small rip in her stockings, her boobies pushed up and on display, her exposed neck and collarbones, her gorgeous red lips, her precise makeup, and blown out hair. 

“Shit,” Steve coughed. 

“What?” Danny asked, concern falling on her face, pressing her lips. 

“You look gorgeous,” Steve breathed out, chest falling from holding his breath. 

“Really?” Danny blushed. 

“Totally Danny, you are gorgeous,” Steve answered. “You know that,” Steve sighed into a small, desperate smile. 

Danny hopped over next to him, tossing her keys to him. “Well you don’t look too bad yourself, stud,” her shoulder nudged him. 

“C’mon,” Steve snaked his arm around her waist, his hand resting dangerously low as he walked her out the door. 

The two seniors arrived at the door to the gymnasium, the sun having finally set, the stars beginning to twinkle in the night sky. Steve handed the girl at the foldable table the tickets that he had purchased at some point with a charming smile. He kept his arm around her waist, tight and secure. As they entered the overly decorated gymnasium they were greeted with some stairs from far too many people. 

Quite a few of Steve’s ex flings were gawking at the pair. Tommy H. and Carol were staring in their direction as well, Tommy visibly annoyed, with Carol wide eyed next to him. From behind them was Billy Hargrove, who looked like he’d rather be anywhere else but there. Both Steve and Danny came to a silent realization they had no friends here. No Nancy, no Eddie, no Jonathan. A depressing realization that they only had each other here, a nice thought, but a hollowing one as well. A thought that came with: they were totally lame. 

“Punch?” Steve finally asked, after taking in the ambiance. 

“Yeah, sure,” Danny spoke softly, softer than her usual rasp. 

“Kay, be right back,” Steve reluctantly let his hand slide away. 

Tammy Thompson soon replaced Steve’s space. “Hi,” she grinned. 

Danny shifted her feet, the heels clicking on the waxed wood floors, “Hi Tammy.” Danny avoided her eyes, assuming the worst. 

“Um, I wanted to say sorry,” Tammy said. Danny whipped her head towards her. 

“Sorry for what?” 

“Sorry for being such a mess at the party, and ya’ know, taking Steve away from you, that wasn’t very nice of me,” Tammy hung her head, fiddling with her fingers. 

“Oh,” Danny was taken back by the statement. “Oh that’s okay Tammy, you don’t need to be sorry about that,” Danny placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. 

“Glad to see you’re finally going out,” Tammy smiled. 

“Oh we’re not going out.” 

Tammy raised an eyebrow at her, “But you’re here together.” 

“Yeah, as friends,” Danny answered. 

“Right,” Tammy gave her an awkward nod. “Okay, well have fun Danny.” 

“You too,” Danny smiled back, Tammy left her standing alone. 

Danny had only ever gone to the occasional Homecoming dance with friends, never a date. Danny wasn’t used to any of this, and graduation was literally around the corner. She stared around at the hoards of people. Some of them dancing, some hidden in the corner, huddled in groups, gossiping, laughing. So much makeup, sparkly clothes, and hairspray. Danny couldn’t hide a small smile. This was fun. Danny enjoyed watching all of her classmates having fun, enjoying their last moments of high school together. Despite Danny standing alone, despite always feeling alone while standing around her peers, she didn’t feel here. Sure, she was physically standing alone and was a typical outcast. But at that moment, she didn’t feel alone. She peered over to where the punchbowl had been set up. Steve stood there talking with some girls, three of them, juniors, clearly swooning over him. Steve held two small cups in one hand, his other in his pocket. He was smiling at them, and they smiled back, nodding along with what he was saying. Steve motioned his head towards Danny with a shy and blushing smile. The three girls all giggled and glanced over at Danny, giving her sweet smiles. Danny looked away quickly as Steve turned around. 

“Here you go,” Steve slid up to Danny, holding out the plastic cup filled with red liquid. 

“Thanks,” Danny nodded with a blush. She took a sip and grimaced. 

Steve furrowed his eyebrows, “What? Is it bad?” Steve sniffed his own and winced. 

“Someone spiked the punch with the nastiest vodka I have ever tasted,” Danny frowned, she took another sniff, “and mouthwash? What the actual fuck?” 

Steve sniffed again and took a gulp, his eyes squeezed shut and he shook his head, his tongue sticking out, making Danny laugh, “I don’t know why I even tasted it, that’s disgusting,” Steve coughed. He grabbed her cup and tossed both into a nearby trash can. “Sorry,” Steve wiped his hands on his pants. 

“No need to be sorry,” Danny smiled, “unless you were the one to spike it,” Danny laughed. 

“My taste isn’t that bad,” Steve smiled. “So are you gonna tell me what happened?” Danny gave Steve a quizzical look. “From earlier, when I came to your house,” Steve explained. 

“Oh um, it’s nothing Steve,” Danny shook her head. “Don’t worry about it,” she smiled. 

“Danny you were crying, of course I’m going to worry about it, c’mon,” Steve pushed. 

“I guess I’m just feeling sentimental is all. I mean what the hell are we going to do? We’re graduating, it just feels so unreal, ya’ know?” Danny had been thinking about that, but she knew that's not why she was crying. 

“I know, isn't that wild? I can’t believe it, I remember the first day of kindergarten like it was yesterday and now, I’m out. We’re out,” Steve smiled at Danny. 

“I’m pissed that Eddie didn’t get his shit together enough to graduate,” Danny grumbled. 

Steve looked down at Danny. “Sorry Eddie isn’t here,” Steve shoved his hands into his pocket. 

“What?” Danny tilted her head towards Steve. 

“He’s your friend, it’s a bummer to not have your friend here. You’re like my only friend my age, as sad as that sounds,” Steve chuckled. 

“Oh well, that’s okay Steve, Eddie would be a bummer here anyway. Besides, I’m here with you, and that’s all I could ask for,” Danny smiled. 

“Really?” Steve blushed, head perking up. 

“Of course.” 

“I’m sorry I didn’t ask you to prom sooner. I really wanted to, I just didn’t know how,” Steve spoke softly, just for Danny to hear. He took a long pause, “That’s what I really wanted to ask you, when I came by your practice the other day. No-not if you needed a ride, but if you wanted to go to prom, like as my date,” Steve was turning beet red. 

Danny could feel her ears burning, “We’re here now,” Danny whispered, staring at her feet. 

Steve stared at her, she could feel his eyes burning into her. “I’m so sorry Danny,” Steve pinched his nose, Danny could see tears swelling. 

“What? What for?” Danny questioned. 

“I’m sorry that I was so mean to you for so many years, you’re like the best person in the world. And I-I was so mean, I don’t know why you even hang out with me,” Steve let out a heavy sigh, a small tear dripping down his red cheek. “I want to be good for you, I want to make it up, you didn’t deserve it,” Steve whispered. 

“Steve, there's nothing to make up for,” Danny placed a hand on his arm, his breath hitched at the touch. “I-I’ve never held any of it against you, I knew that wasn’t you.” 

“But it was,” Steve let out a choked, brief sob. “It was me. I was an asshole, and I don’t know what you see in me,” Steve’s voice cracked. “Because, because I know what I see in you Danny.” 

“I see you Steve, I see you. You are the most giving and kind person. You have the biggest heart, bigger than mine, or anyones. And I saw it, before now, before middle school. You were always nice to me when we were little. In first grade you held my hand when I fell and scraped my knee, you told me to hold on, to take your hand, that our teacher would be there soon and you were going to make sure I was okay. In third grade you always held the door open for me and talked to me when no one else would. In fifth grade you made sure Stan Cooper and Alex Wilson didn’t bother me after the one time they did. You even slipped up on occasion in middle school, you took the fault when I was skipping class. You’ve always been good Steve Harrington, you were just gone for a little while, that’s all,” the tears threatened to fall, but Danny kept them in the best she could. Steve stared at her in awe. Danny stared back. “Now, do you wanna go dance or not Harrington,” Danny smiled, sniffling. 

“Yes, I do, I want to dance,” Steve straightened himself up. 

“Well come on then,” Danny held out her hand, which Steve gladly took.

The night was spent in each other's arms, dancing to cheesy love ballads and new wave hits. Steve and Danny might as well have been the only two people in the Hawkins High School gymnasium. With their shoes flung off somewhere unknown to them, they jumped, danced, and laughed. Singing loudly to the lyrics of songs they loved and barely knew. Forgetting everything in the outside world. Just them, alone and happy.

[moosemonstrous]

(don't mind me cannibalising my own bits from before 😳)

Ghost Rider Pacific Rim AU - build your own nightmare

Yegor Ivanov is in charge of security on a large, well-appointed quasi-military base housing twenty thousand people – mostly J-techs and their families, but also a sizeable assortment of soldiers, scientists, medical staff, relief workers and support crew. It’s the most stable job he’s ever had. The general populace is just so grateful for the giant robots he deploys to fight the ever-nastier demons crawling out of the Breach, he barely has to pay any attention to the actual security part of it. His subordinates haven’t reported a single issue they couldn’t deal with themselves in years. His approval makes or breaks people’s careers. He has the respect of the international leaders for keeping Hong Kong off of their priority list. Somehow, in this beautiful, messed up world he managed to carve himself out an existence most people can only dream of. It doesn’t come without its share of headaches, though.

He has been pretty careful in building his strike team. He has the final word on every new ranger. He’s been saddled with a Stark from the very beginning, but while the current one is prone to sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong, there is a definite advantage to working with someone who can handwave away what would usually be weeks of financial advisory committees. That seems to be the balance of things – trade a tiresome but overall manageable personality defect for a fantastically useful professional benefit. If nothing else, Yegor is good at dealing with tiresome personalities.

Brooks is barely an effort – military history, some very helpful connections in the underground and, for the defect, as-of-yet undefeated idealism. He can't be trusted with the more... sensitive issues, but tends to stick to the point in meetings, which is why he usually leads on the tactical debrief. This, like most things, backfires as soon as Cho gets involved.

“We’re talking about positioning,” Brooks says. “We’ll get to the hindsight part later.”

“Not if you’re going to point fingers like that. I can’t tell for sure until I get the hide, but drone footage shows the scales opening under pressure, here, let me—"

“Gentlemen,” he interrupts before their argument devolves any further. “Before Mr Reyes loses consciousness, if you please.”

Reyes startles from where he’s been daydreaming in his seat at the table. Every now and then, when the light hits just right, his damaged eye seems to reflect it, like some sort of a nocturnal animal. Like he doesn't give Yegor enough creeps as it is.

There are vanishingly few advantages to having Reyes on the team, but Yegor only has himself to blame for this. Most of the old guard making decisions around Hell Charger’s fate ten years ago have either died or retired into obscurity; other than himself, there is scarcely anyone left to confirm whether the similarities he’s seeing are truly there or just a product of his imagination. Even the way he shreds the label off the bottle of water in his hands, a perfectly common nervous tick, or the way he fidgets like he can’t wait for the meeting to be over – everything is just a little too close.

Not to mention his uncanny overnight progress with martial arts. Or the way he used the chain to choke out a Cat-4 demon. The chain that, as far as anyone can tell, he never had any training with.

Eli was always so fond of his garrotte.

“Sorry,” Reyes mutters, and looks at the wrapper confetti in his hands like he’s only just noticed it.

“As I was saying,” Brooks shoots Cho an impatient glance, but if Cho can be relied on for anything, it is to switch his focus to the weirdest thing in the room and Reyes certainly matches that description. “The last three attacks confirm we need to shorten our approach time. The demons are clearly prioritising civilian targets over a head-on fight with the closest hostile. The jaegers were too spread out, and until the core replacement program gets going we don’t have the speed advantage.”

“I get that,” says Danvers. “But what you’re proposing gives us very little space to react without running into land.”

“Where the jaegers outperform a demon every time,” Brooks points out. “As proven yesterday – even a rookie like Reyes can catch one when the water only goes up to your knees.”

Yegor didn’t truly believe all of his problems would be solved by putting the kid directly in a line of fire, but some part of him is still disappointed. It’s like the universe conspires to ensure at least one Reyes is always a thorn in his ass, and removing it risks perforating a goddamn artery. On one hand, Razorback slithering right past Eden Assassin and making a beeline for the coast is certainly bad news – Yegor has by now learned not to underestimate it when the beasts develop new strategies. On the other, he can’t pretend he wasn’t hoping it will make a short work of Hell Charger before the others caught up to her. On one hand, he’s sure to get the credit for taking a risk on a new ranger and saving Taipei. On the other, the new ranger has so far evaded several ways his removal could be considered innocuous and if Yegor gets any more direct in his approach, someone will notice. Cho has already made him his new fixation, and Stark is like a dog with a bone – it was a mistake to play the hardass card with him to start with. He’s less likely to be helpful now that he’s fallen for the sad orphan routine. Yegor has been making too many mistakes around Reyes, and that on its own is also familiar.

“We have to run this by other Shatterdomes before implementation,” he says, mainly to head off further squabbling. He nods at Brooks. “Work with Reyes on his ability to follow a direct order until we get a confirmation.”

“That’s unfair,” Cho rallies to his pet project’s defence again. “What was he supposed to do, let that thing hit the pier?”

Amadeus Cho is a thorn all of his own. Yegor stopped worrying about him months ago, when it became clear that there was indeed nothing tying him to Banner’s untimely demise. This much interest in not just The Charger but her pilots, though... “Mr Reyes is present to defend his choices, if he so wishes.”

He could, too. Any ranger at the table would likely do the same thing – throw themselves at the danger instead of staying clear of it when told, like a functional human being. If either Yegor or Brooks were to really press the matter, at least one of the pilots would acknowledge it, and he isn’t looking to initiate any feelings of solidarity. Of course, in this one thing Reyes is more obviously like his father than like his uncle – he doesn’t run his mouth at every opportunity. If he spoke up, Danvers or Summers would try to assert their dominance, which would inevitably lead to an argument with the twins, who have been keen on preserving their lone agent status despite the circumstances. Yegor could use the resulting hurt feelings without looking like he has a stake in the game beyond what can be expected. Instead, Reyes merely shakes his head, further convincing everyone that he’s a harmless newbie rather than–

What is this kid, exactly? More than a liability – he’s a threat. Yegor panicked once already, hoping to engineer a tragic accident, and only ended up making the problem worse. He needs to keep a cool head about this. Reach out to Chau, maybe, see if he’s noticed any mutilated bodies showing up on the island. Refresh the surveillance kit so he doesn’t have to rely on Barton for everything. And put a better face on meanwhile – Hell Charger stopped Razorback from barging right into the coast, where it would’ve decimated the ground troops in a blink of an eye. The press is going to want in on the new hero, which will only make the whole situation that much more complicated. You can’t quietly remove someone whose mug is on every news report for a week.

Yegor doesn’t buy for a second that Reyes turned back up in Hong Kong after a decade purely by accident. Not when he’s clearly trained in all of Eli’s favourite moves. Not when he isn’t asking any of the obvious questions, like he already knows what the answers are.

Not when his mask slips sometimes, and he looks at Yegor like he’s only delaying the inevitable to watch him squirm.

##

(in the highly probable event this doesn't come across clearly, Razorback managed to slip past the jaegers and would've hit a beach if Robbie didn't react. He was ordered not to engage, bc that was the agreed tactic and the others were only minutes away. For ~some reason~ he decided to catch himself a demon instead.)

(yes it is my experience that 90% of any major operations is meetings that could've been a quarter of the time if people stuck to the point, Amadeus would be my enemy at work. I've also cut out his entire aside about ecological impact of trying to curtail urban run-off so that will probably show up elsewhere in a good time)

[mariamariquinha]

Bossa Nova (Benny ‘Borracho’ Magalon x f!reader) - Nine

Eight

Summary: The LASD couldn't sustain its reputation as an honest police officer if it tried hard. In that case, no one tried.

Word count: 9.1k

Warnings: Bad words, talks about corruption, talks about sexism and racism, mentions of oral sex, mention of drug crimes, violence and other things related, strip clubs, sex workers, use of weed and... did I say sexism?

Author’s Note: I think this got a lot more personal than I thought, so I'm sorry if anyone has family members within the LASD who aren't corrupt - this isn't about them. This chapter doesn't have much romance, I'll warn you right away, but it's an important progression in the main characters' relationship. Give it a try!

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!

Join my taglist! Don’t forget to reblog, comment and like! As always, I would love to know what you’re all thinking! ❤

----------------------------

You were in the business a little while ago; a few years, nothing that still didn't stop you from getting suspicious looks or incessant questions to make sure your work was well done. Emma, ​​at least, who was the one who mattered at the moment, trusted your instincts and your ability; at best, she said you had good directions.

At worst, that you were very witty. The moment she called you into her office, you were sure this was the version of you she was hoping to meet.

“What did you do over the weekend?”

On Saturday, after finishing the initial report on the Ballard case, you realized you'd only slept for 4 hours when your brother made a ridiculous phone call to a tennis match with probably very wealthy friends. You went. After a scraped knee and sore thighs, you found that it was enough for his office to get a big case of something you didn't pay attention to. Then you enjoyed what felt like an uncomfortable sea spray from your air conditioner, which ended up going out for good and you had to walk in shame to Target to buy a fan. You had seen what looked like a seepage in your bathroom while you were brushing your teeth and that was the last clear vision in your memory of how your weekend went.

But maybe that wasn't what she wanted to know - no, it certainly wasn't that. And you treated the situation as such: deliberate disinterest to speculate.

“... Nothing special.” You shrugged, averting her gaze since she wasn’t even giving you the satisfaction of looking at your face. From the time being, Emma was always busy. You being there didn’t make sense. 

“Not making good use of the day offs?”

“My phone keeps on like I'm with the President himself,” Your tone wasn’t soft, nor polite. That grabbed her attention, enough to turn her eyes to you over her glasses, eyebrows raised. “Occupational hazard.”

“Mm.”

And she went back to her computer, typing and clicking and watching the screen as if you weren’t there. That made you scoff. Irrationally, you felt a twinge of disappointment and frustration with her.

“I won't tell you about what happened.”

“I’m not asking you to.”

“Thinking of ordering?”

“When you haven't used your authority for a long time, it becomes rusty. It's never a good idea in this line of work. Learned that from my mentor when I started.”

“And of course you thought you'd start this with me.”

“You are my main concern right now,” Emma made a scene to turn to you again, impatient and bothered by your behavior. “At first I thought you were fraternizing with the enemy too much, but then I'm pretty sure I lost you along the way. I don’t like this.”

In fact, you had gotten relatively invasive as the case progressed. Nick was never easy, that was a fact, nothing surprising or expected. The recent developments with Isla had left you in a position of naivete, as if you were as new to the business as an intern, deluded by TV advertisements and oblivious to what was really going on in the Department. If you got there and said everything, Emma would take you off the case. Maybe O'Brien even hinted at it, which could have led to that conversation, but the truth was that far from it or not, they both seemed to have a hard-on putting you in situations where they treated you like an avatar of personal control.

You noticed that your reports were right there on her desk - that she read them. Still, you shifted in your chair uncomfortably and looked away again, a grim expression crossing your face as you heard her sigh.

“You should have taken the days off I told you to.” The comment grabbed your attention after a beat of silence. 

No, don’t you dare-

“... I'll pretend you're not implying what I think you are.”

“It happens, you know? Maybe we did you wrong for not bringing the subject up for so long.”

“Don’t bring Theodore into this.”

“I’m trying to understand what’s happening!”

“What's going on is you've got a fucking cop on the verge of corruption taking the pomp and shitting rules around here,” You snapped, your voice quick and full of venom as you leaned in to make yourself heard. “What's happening is there's a girl who almost died because she was helping Nick and now she has a huge target on her back. The biggest problem is that these things happen around here as if they were routine and when a fucking person gets shot in the face, you have the indecency to call it a side effect when everything was nothing but irresponsibility.” 

There were things in your life that were untouchable, things that Theodore had done or that circumstances had only presented - things cruel or subtle, but things either way. That was from your father's side, people said, of being reactive to the unfair. He's always been on that part of the spectrum, even if the cops with questionable ethics and ambiguous behavior were in his basement collections.

You had chosen that career for the sake of the right thing and your cynicism carried you far enough to pass certain contexts in silence. Emma never got it out of your mouth that you knew what Nick and the guys did at the weekend parties or how the cocaine bust counts never rallied because someone ended up taking some for themselves. That even happened in the DEA as far as you knew. And you let all that go, because in the end that would be your job and there would always be a smaller percentage of subversion than of solution. O'Brien still caught the bad guys. Circumstantially, Mathias too. But one of the two always had a bit of powder in their nostrils or their cock inside an addicted whore. 

“Don't tell me it's the job. I’m aware.” Emma shut her mouth as soon as you said that, one hand raised to stop her. “But you and him make it all seem like a game of who's going to budge some kind of boundary you set. I’m not obligated to go through this.”

“What do you want me to do?”

The sigh that left your mouth was tired, suffocating. 

“Stick to my reports if you can. And if you're taking suggestions, don't try to be my friend. You're not very good at this.” 

When you got up to leave the room, Emma didn't stop you, but you didn't have any sense that you were winning anything. There was no relief. Your face was hot and your steps erratic.

Certain reputations had to come from somewhere, after all.

-------------------------

“My husband was a member of the group.”

Isla had a calm voice despite the context in which she was inserted. There were no handcuffs on her wrists or a guard inside the room; everything was done very smoothly. There was, however, a palpable tension in the air, as if a black cloud of violence or distortion hung within that interrogation room.

Really, you shouldn't even be there, watching. Henderson was sitting to one side as he watched through the glass the conversation Zapata and Gina were having with the woman, and that should be enough for them. Even so, it was Gina who suggested that you participate indirectly, presumably to find out details about the photography issue as she had a curious background in the business. She was good, you could tell. Depressed too.

According to the file, Isla was of Albanian origin. The parents were immigrants and ran a small textile business in Coney Island, but they weren’t anything but a fast topic of conversation. The features of her face, such as the more rounded nose and the full face, were half erased by the bruises. One eye was swollen with purple and yellow hues, her jaw was bruised and her lips were dry. One of her arms had been broken, as well as the shoulder on the same side had also been dislocated. You didn't see her coming, but you guessed that she walked with difficulty because of the wound in her left calf. It was the only shot she took, grazed but painful.

Looking at it that way, she didn't look so much like Debbie. Maybe their comparison was in the look: the two seemed equally taken by a feeling that hovered only in Nick. One that you didn't know what it was and that maybe nobody could put their finger on.

She spoke of everything. Kosovo, her relationship with a man named Oliver Clark, her marriage and children - Selim, with 5, and Dafina, with 9. 

You just noticed that Nick entered the room when you smelled his cologne. Bad smell, as always, enough to break any serious moment with that fragrance. You couldn’t help but make a face, pinching your nostrils once and clearing your throat. He ignored you, of course. Benny appeared right behind him with two cups of coffee - you two shared a brief look.

“We have the search warrant,” He said to everyone in the room, eyeing the scene in front of you with a stern face. “I also got WPP.”  

A little late for that, you thought but decided not to say anything.

“Anything important?” Took you time to understand that the question was directed to you. When the silence became too much, you turned to him and saw everyone staring. 

“... Nothing I didn't already imagine. I'll have better luck when I have the equipment,” You leaned over the table, just a touch, and read the notes you’d taken. “Leica M6 35mm, Pentax K1000 and… Nikon 35 Ti. Analog. This Leica is a rarity, I think it was the one she used for her first Homicide case.”

“Couldn't it have been someone else?” Henderson asked. 

“Is that just a stupid question or do you want to make sure we've tested all options?”

“Both. So?” Nick pressed, arms crossed and nothing but harshness on his tone. 

You observed him for a beat, considered your chances there. 

“... The Leica is from the beginning of the last century, like, the 30's to the 50's. At least this model she said she has. In addition to being rare, not everyone nowadays can handle it because the resources are basically mechanical. It would be an absurd coincidence, which is not quite the case.”

“We've dealt with coincidences before.”

“Are you fucking with me right now?”

O’Brien didn’t answer. You rolled your eyes, going back to the notes before giving Isla another look. 

“How long has she been doing this?” The question was kind of thrown up in the air, as no one dared to answer. You glared at them, specifically at Nick, who huffed in annoyance before saying something.

“One year.”

“And the case landed in your lap…” You said. “It seems that you really work with coincidences.”  

Again, no answer. Feeling like you couldn't get from point A to B with anyone there, you jotted down some more information on paper and stretched your back, rolling your shoulders.

“It will be manual stuff then. They’ll have to look at each negative.”

“If it can be done then I don't see a problem.”

“Of course not,” You conceded, voice contained to prevent any progression there. It was like swallowing a fucking lamp. 

Everyone was quiet when they heard Isla speak again, attentive as they watched every detail of the story that should no longer be news to Nick's ears. You were so concentrated that the noises of chairs dragging on the floor didn't even call your attention. Someone said something, the door opened and closed, and suddenly there was a cup of coffee right next to you.

Benny tapped the lid twice.

“Decaf,” He mouthed discreetly, just for you to understand, before retrieving his proximity and leaving the room. 

-------------------------

Benny didn't have a very organized routine, but he could count how many times he thought about you after that shitty lunch: two.

1. That coffee wasn't for you, but he thought of you when he noticed that the Starbucks server had made the wrong order. It was kind of spontaneous. Suddenly you were there, at the front of his mind, like you were hovering around and ready to just emerge. He put it there, left the cup as if saying ‘you can have it if you want, but if you don’t it’s fine’. No one brought the subject up.

2. Nick had gone to the store to meet an informant and someone, probably Connors, saw a familiar figure at the register when they entered. Benny knew it was Murph who commented, but he saw Zapata turn his head to look at the guy.

“Do you know who he is?”

“Who?” Benny frowned, unaware of the commotion. He turned his head, saw the dude standing there staring at his phone - like a normal person. 

“This is Theodore Park, our trouble girl's ex.”  

There was only one person Connors called 'problem girl' and it wasn't usually the kind of comment that came from beyond the grave. However he recognized the guy, whether it was a run-in at office parties that Benny barely attended or some private investigation that bordered on a stalker personality from Murph’s part, it seemed to be true. When Magalon looked back again, Theodore Park was gone.

The second time, then, he discovered who your ex-husband was while listening to what seemed like irrelevant information to the investigation. In the midst of Nick's reticence and failures, Theodore Park was the object of his interest. 

He was tall; compared to the 5'7 that Benny was. Maybe 6'2, compared to O'Brien. There were some university articles about him (three paragraphs at Berkeley, two large PDFs at CSULB that he didn't read, and good references at Caltech) and he seemed successful with an information systems company or something. Benny could never speak properly about these things because he was never interested; as long as he had a phone that worked, he knew how to use the most intuitive social media and that was it. But not Theodore, no. The guy was a successful man indeed in that aspect, indeed. A rich guy on the way. Without much effort, Benny would see this dude doing TED Talks and making Forbes in a few years.

Which had nothing to do with him, or what seemed like your type of guy. If Theodore was on one side of the spectrum, Benny was on the other in every way.

Well, that was distracting. Still, Magalon didn't do much with this information. There wasn't much he could do with it anyway.

It was only later - days later - when they had agreed to go to a 'club' to 'decompress', that he found himself thinking about you for the third time. 

Earlier that day, he saw you talking to Lennon over what seemed like conventional pleasantries between friends. You were wearing jeans, both hands in your back pockets as you paid attention to something that was being said. Your usual lab coat was gone, probably because Benny could clearly see that your shirt was tighter, had a wider bust and the position of your arms gave a subtle view of your breasts. Nothing indiscreet, because you weren't indiscreet. That outfit, however, made Benny have a sudden indiscreet thought, and it stayed in his head all day. 

He hadn't looked for you anymore - he hadn't had the chance to do that. Things escalated and suddenly there he was talking about how similar he was to Nick, pushing you away with the worst of comparisons. You didn't even react, which he understood as full acceptance of the fact that he was an asshole, as if that was the one thing that Benny and a technology nerd like Theodore had in common: being a scoundrel. You treated him as always, even though what had already happened between you should have been enough for that 'always' to change.

The girl standing next to him was called Lindsay. She sat down, started a conversation; they talked very little. Lindsay was wasted, not even bothering to clean the traces of cocaine from her lips or the way her eyes were dark; Benny asked if she wanted to go home and another friend, named Tracy (or Tara), who was visibly lucid, said she would take her. He paid for the taxi, made sure they got into the car safely, and discreetly showed the driver his badge. Like any other night.

He watched the taxi disappear down the street, then, on the other side, the movement of cars on that side of the city. It was late summer and the breeze of the change of season was a sure sign of the arrival of autumn, so he felt the wind hit his face. 

Benny didn't go back up to the hotel room with the guys. He handed the parking pass to the usual guy, got in the car and headed home.

No, not like any other night. That time, Benny felt another wave of what someone once said was a ‘midlife crisis’.

-------------------------

You weren't a fan of bathtubs. Well, you had one, but it was that kind of thing... borrowed into your life, shoved down your throat because it wasn't so bad after all. Just like the coffee table. And the kitchen window. And the kind of lamp that lasted so little but, look, it was chic. So like all things, which seemed to be the biggest provocation that accompanied a 'gift' from a big son of a bitch, or a reminder of how there was a sense of ease in making your life miserable, you enjoyed it.

Something like that. 

You had plans to get rid of each of these things soon, because all in all, the financial part of your life was also… complicated. A visit to the bank, a mortgage proposal, expenses for the large yard and the last remnants of your student fund. You looked through apartment websites for sale and just that idea left you incredibly depressed because, on top of everything else, you were a crybaby who lost the comfort of a husband who paid most of the household bills. And not to mention the job, because… damn, the fucking job. It had been days since you closed your eyes and saw Nick, Isla, Emma, ​​Ballard, Mathias; what kind of fucking burnout was that?

So that night, when your heels were swollen and your back was sore, you allowed yourself a few minutes of privilege. Bath salts, then the heat of refreshing water and, among other things you haven't done in a long time, you felt a little sorry for yourself. 

Connors had posted a photo with the guys on Instagram - you saw it by chance, one hand resting your head on the edge of the bathtub and the other scrolling through your phone. ‘bday party w/ the fella 🔥🔥🔥’, with Benny below his arm in what looked like a half drunk pose, in what also looked like a strip club in the background. You stared at it for a moment. Then another. Then another. There were easy smiles, joyfulness, even happiness; like it was just a standard day, as if the world was okay as soon as the first beer landed on their tables. 

There was never a question with them, a doubt. It was as if, arbitrarily, the main characteristic of a cop wasn’t useful for them to become the ideal professionals that everyone thought they were. There is no need for moral duty, responsibility and care, as proof that the world, in itself, was also not moral, responsible and careful. 

That was it. It was this pain, this itch, that disturbed you, because you knew that no questions were directed at Theodore when things ended. He, above the law, with money in his pocket and a successful career ahead of him, didn’t receive any dirty looks for having cheated on his own wife, who in turn would, in fact, receive condescending comments, pats on the shoulder of comfort and an unfair response from a boss, who attributed your problems to the great evil of having lost an idiot husband. That was what you always hated the most. 

You abandoned the phone at the closed toilet seat. 

“Alexa, turn up the music!” You said after a moment, listening to ‘Life on Mars’ in full volume and with your eyes closed. 

-------------------------

The first sip of coffee was distracted. When the taste hit your tongue, you immediately grimaced and threw the drink back into the cup, staring at the totally undrinkable dark thing.

Great. No good coffee as well. 

You wiped the corners of your mouth with your fingers and left the cup on the table, a little unsure whether you should throw it away or not. Just… Ugh. You threw it in the trash can, massaging your eyes with the heels of your hands before taking a long breath. 

The break room was naturally busy in the morning, with people on double shifts taking a break and those who were arriving, like you, in and out of the tiredness of the end of the day with the beginning of another. Everyone was chatting amongst themselves, exchanging details about cases they were working on or the new bar that had opened nearby, so it was a bit strange that as soon as you rolled your shoulders to ease the tension, everyone turned their attention to a Lennon out of breath who entered the room with an urgent voice.

“Did you know?” That's all he said, then turning on the TV and stopping in the middle of the tables to pay attention. You, who were further in front and close to the coffee machine, had to lift your head a little more to understand what was happening.

“Recognized for the successful work carried out on the Merrimen case, Los Angeles County Major Crimes, coincidentally on the day of the closure of one of the most intense operations carried out in the city and credited in its name, hands over the most recent drug trafficking case to the Drug Enforcement Administration, the DEA…” 

You could hear some gasps from your colleagues, murmurs and shushings, so that they remained quiet and could listen carefully to what was there as if it wasn't obvious. After that, you just stared at the screen in disbelief, your brow furrowed and your hands outstretched at your sides. When they cut to the scene of the press conference in the building's press room, which appeared to have taken place not long before you arrived, you could only see Nick standing next to the sheriff, Walsh's team, and Mathias himself at the lectern making the announcement. 

Mathias's voice was a background sound, almost like an irritating noise in the silence of that room that seemed huge. No commotion, no direct press releases, just a 'peaceful transition' (Walsh's words) to 'a more prepared and complete team' (also Walsh’s words), which indirectly could mean more than cutting spending by the County government but rather a nudge coward of someone who didn't have the balls to chest someone basically… male.

You felt a little bad about that. 

But, heavens, everyone thought that. And when Gina, of all those present, said mid Walsh's phony speech right after he highlighted the inefficiency of the forensic team (a part you only realized when he used the terms 'difficulty communicating with experts' and 'inadequacy expert with the magnitude of the case'), you blinked and saw her standing for herself, arms crossed and ready to fight.

“Yeah, but you're not in front of the fucking San Francisco Chronicle, Walsh. For someone who always speaks your mind, you're putting on a bad act.” She said to the TV. 

Look, the system was a curious thing, clearly presumptuous and obviously selective. It has always been like this, world to be world, human beings to be human beings. And perhaps that was what generated discontent that soon disguised itself as responsibilities and survival, at least on the part of people like you, Gina and Emma, ​​in the sense of gender, and in Henderson or Lennon in the sense of race, for example. It was like a constant obstacle, often exposed like a ghost that could lie dormant until it struck again.

No one there got caught up in it because they didn't have time, but everyone recognized the mechanisms and adapted to them. Neither you nor Gina whined much when the sheriff organized annual running competitions and didn't stay to reward the winning women; from what little you knew of Henderson, you didn't see him complaining, for example, about the fact that Nick always put him in for questioning black suspects, tapping him twice on the shoulder and saying 'you know what to do', but heavy in a condescending tone. Hell, you always saw the same ridiculous type of episode happening with Lennon as well. 

Taken back to reality by the commotion bubbling between your colleagues, you noticed Emma standing in the doorway as if she had sneakily appeared to observe the reactions and the two of you exchanged very tense silent looks. She didn’t look defeated, but averted your gaze as soon as it became just a staring contest. 

You turned to the TV - to the takes of Nick and the guys during the Merrimen case, then at their faces during the press conference. 

Huh. 

-------------------------

The atmosphere was burial-like, to say the least. You had spent the day in the laboratory, like a forced routine return, and it was as if no one had the balls to open their mouth and speak verbally about the subject. There were official emails from the DEA requesting evidence that had already been collected, reminders from Emma about other cases you were working on in parallel, one thing or another from Ballard (who didn't know how to create an email conversation and ended up answering each of your responses with a new email). There was a sepulchral silence from Major Crimes, but not the kind that left them untainted in the precinct's dome of recognition and social hierarchy; it was a shameful silence.

If you could bet on a collective concern, perhaps everyone was tense at the idea of ​​having been publicly exposed as incompetent, and if even the best team of detectives in the county had failed, there was no certainty of the stability of the Department's resources. This would not only make the LASD incompetent (or corrupt), but also incomplete.

You have a new text! Your phone said, right when you were in the middle of a photo digital treatment of a license plate from a robbery case, even if your mind were wandering. In one of the browser tabs, Zillow was open with apartments in the central area of ​​the city and, in another, your aunt's Facebook because your mother said she had done a hair atrocity (she had dyed her hair egg yellow, which could be an atrocity indeed). You looked at the phone screen lazily, already expecting another question from Ballard about anything that was already written on your reports, and when you saw who it really was, you were surprised.

-------------------------

“Is this a bat cave or something?” 

In fact it didn’t even look like a cave, it was just the rooftop of the building. From afar, you could see the maintenance guys working in the electrical system on the top floor (which was where the Department's technology section was located), so if O'Brien and the others were trying to create some kind of reflective scene after a defeat like Zack Snyder, you could only read how pathetic and improvised the attempt was. It almost made you laugh. Almost. 

“Was that supposed to be funny?” Zapata asked with a scowl, to which made you raise your eyebrows at the animosity.  

“I think so, but if you're offended I think I'm on the right track.” 

“You really are a bitch.”

“Tony-” Benny intervened. 

“Yo, there’s no need to-” Connors said.

“Yeah, Zapata, watch your fucking mouth,” Biting back wasn’t exactly the best idea, because you knew the spirits were agitated, but it was obvious that the context didn’t allow for that type of behavior against you. Everyone there knew that that reaction was the remnant of misdirected anger. 

You two shared a silent glare. Tony considered your face for a moment and you did the same; when Magalon pushed him to avert the attention, Zapata waved him off and walked away - you and Benny shared a small glance, one he soon ended to look at Nick, who watched the scene while lighting a cigarette. 

“We done?” He asked. 

“Don’t know, Nick, are we?” You sighed in defeat, sitting on a concrete support and looking anywhere but him. Again, you did what seemed like a copying mechanism: brushed your hands over your face, leaned over your knees and just… accepted. “How?”

“He used Isla.”

And so, being a somewhat literate person in the context of dealing with police officers, you could see the pattern and tone of the conversation that had just begun: it was almost an interrogation. Everyone there, kind of around him, looking for the person who would go to the guillotine. It took a while, between the silence that followed, the way everyone (except Benny) was staring at you and Zapata's reaction so spontaneously explosive, but when you lifted your head and looked at that scene, connecting the dots, you frowned and felt truly offended. 

“Wow.”

“We need to be sure.”

“And who do you think you are to act like that? A fucking Corleone?” That made you scoff, giggling in disbelief. You adjusted your stance, arms crossed and erect back. “Believe me, O’Brien, if I had anything to do with this shitty show, you would know it by my own mouth.” 

“You reacted to Isla.”

“Because I’m a human being, Nick, the fuck.” 

No one said a word. There was this soft breeze flowing around, given the time of the year and the area where you were, one that you noticed that made their hairs flow and you shiver a little. If you paid close attention, you would see frustration and rage and that regular disappointment of a kid when they have lost a toy they like or are denied a candy. The loss, whatever it was, hurt for them but not for professional reasons but for honor. A very uncompensated and arbitrary honor, but an honor nonetheless. And it was always easier to blame someone else. You knew it was easy to make a calculation that would work for you because there would always be the feeling that you were impulsive, stubborn, even cruel - because men hurt you, because you still resent things in your personal life.

“I think it's common sense that almost no one here likes you very much,” You said in a low tone. “And we can agree that ethics and professionalism aren’t exactly the main pillars of what we do.”

Nobody said anything, because you were right. It was actually impressive that you managed to maintain a calm, almost soothing tone right after being basically accused of something so serious. Deep down, you felt that, at least, Nick didn't put much faith in this hypothesis, that this was a demonstration of power in front of others because his hands were tied and this was truly new to him. 

And you didn't ask what the plan was, what they were going to do next. You didn't care about that. No one needed to cry because they lost the case, it was obvious that it wasn't the first time this had happened - it certainly wasn't the last either.

Nick puffed some smoke out of his chest, eyeing you for a moment. Then, with a ‘tsk’, he walked closer and crouched down in front of you, eye to eye, making you realize how much he hadn't been getting a good night's sleep.

“He promised exclusive protection. For her children, for her… Even for the fucking cats she has,” He said, but you knew it was a personal talking, something the others knew but didn’t quite understood. “I can't offer that.”

“It became personal.”

“... Yeah.”

“And do you like her?”

No answer. Nick looked at you for a moment, then averted his gaze to the floor. You saw Benny there, watching, expecting, and you didn’t know why that made you sigh in some kind of compassion. 

“You’re tired,” Not a question, but a statement. One you did calmly, almost whispered just so he could hear. 

You two looked at each other. Nick was clenching his jaw, holding words in his mouth and turning them around enough so they could come back in a dry swallow. When he looked away first, looking at the floor, blinking a few times, it was the first time you really saw genuine frustration, a moment of weakness that maybe, one day, Debbie had seen, or that the co-workers who were around you at the moment also witnessed in a rare way. 

Your brow was furrowed and you were truly confused by this gap. Looking around, above O'Brien's head, you saw Zapata looking at the city around him with an annoyed look, his back to the two of you; Murph kept his hands in his hoodie pockets, Henderson had his arms crossed. Benny watched you, then looked at the ground, shaking his head. 

No, this wasn't about you, nor was it your fault. In that context, you were just a part of the realization of something you hadn't touched until you saw every defeated feature on that terrace. 

“... Are you sure?” You asked, blinking a few times with a shaky voice. 

Nick shook his head. 

“And you expect me to do something about it?”

“No,” He said with a firm tone, getting up on his feet. “No one here is sure.”

“Yeah, I noticed,” It was directed to Tony, who just tsked and averted his gaze. 

When everyone kept quiet, not daring to admit their mistake or even apologize, you were the one getting up, still not sure how to react and uncertain of how to end that conversation. 

“Never do that to me again, don’t-” You collected your voice, clearing your throat. “If you're disappointed with how things ended, don't expect me to help put out your fires.” 

“I didn’t ask you that.”

“So what are you asking? Mm? Because I know you don't want me to pat you on the head and tell you everything is going to be okay,” There was harshness in your tone, almost a fury. And surprisingly, he didn’t answer that equally. “Share the weight of your conscience with those who are really at fault. And, I don't know, investigate, prove, don't do anything. You're Nick O'Brien, Big Nick, the badass. From what I see, everyone here has the right to doubt, so if it's worth the advice, start asking questions in the right place.” 

“Maybe you won't like it if I start doing that.”

“Oh, is it a threat?” With raised eyebrows, you walked a few steps closer, staring at him in the eye. 

“It wouldn't be the first time you tried to harm my team with your shit. You were the first to point the finger at me because of Isla, but you didn't hesitate to make a scene with Walsh and put Benny in the middle of whatever it is you have with the guy.”

“Listen now-”

“Excuse me?” You frowned, not even letting Magalon finish the interruption he was doing while getting closer. “I didn't ask anyone here to defend me! If this fucking case went wrong, try to consider your incompetence or the fact that no one asked you to fuck a suspect.”

When he kept quiet again, you scoffed, shaking your head. 

“It’s so easy, isn’t it? Walk around like you rule every place, do whatever the fuck you want, put the blame on everyone to feel better… I've always seen Walsh that way, but he's not an exception, he's a rule. You come here, accuse me, then insinuate something so…” 

“So what?”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Then I was wrong. You’re dumb and naive enough to not see that. Or a coward.”

You nodded. 

“You always had all the tricks in hand and let a widowed single mother almost get killed by a gang. Who really is the coward here, Nick?” 

Turning your back, you walked away from him, already opening the door to leave the terrace. Before you could, though, you eyed him one more time. 

“Whatever your plan is, when and if they ask me, I'll be sincere. About you and about her. Because I can do that.” 

“You would never say anything against Emma.”

“And I don't blame you for not believing that. It’s clear that it's been a while since you've been able to understand honesty.”

-------------------------

“You called her a bitch.”

Hearing Benny's voice break the silence was strange, so everyone was confused before understanding what he was saying. When they understood, he saw Zapata shift uncomfortably on the couch, looking at the coffee table.

“I didn't think straight at the moment.”

“It seems like no one here has done that.”

“You want to say something?” Nick pressed with a rough tone, as if ready to snap at the detective right away. Benny measured him, shrugged. 

“I told you it was a bad idea.”

“We needed to be sure. This shit is going to get ugly soon.”

“And you pushed away one of the few people who could keep us from getting screwed over too.” 

The intimacy created that kind of unexpected conversation, even though everyone there saw Nick as an older brother or a symbol of leadership. When they exchanged glances after Benny's response, there was a silent consensus that the disagreements were slowly getting bigger, something that had been surrounding the group long before you showed up or the case.

Everyone continued smoking in silence and the tense atmosphere didn’t dissipate. Things weren't going well.

-------------------------

Who were you to point the finger? To define people by a standard of behavior? To say 'you’re good' or 'you’re bad'?

You knew Nick could and did play dirty. You would imagine, given recent events, that Emma had learned to play this game from the position she had. This left you in a spiral of personal conflicts because, in the end, you felt like a hypocrite for wanting so much for things to be as per the booklet. Hell, you knew what you were getting into when you started your career there - you always did. And at the same time, after all that, you felt a hint of disappointment, of suffocation, as if you didn't have a shred of rationality. 

It was an explosion of things, of sensations; you didn’t know how to deal with anything and you couldn’t tell anyone. Maybe you were a little paranoid too. Sometimes you were watching Emma, ​​waiting for something, as if at some point she let out a more strategic and 'selfish' nature.

The marijuana stash (that's what your brother called it) was in the drawer next to the bed. When you were with Theodore, he also used it, although he didn't really like it because he had headaches, so it was a common thing in the house. 

You were on your third or fourth drink, staring at the ceiling and releasing smoke into the air. There was no music, just the low light in the room and the brightness of Kojak's aquarium. Someone had been trying to call for half an hour, but you didn't answer, keeping your eyes distracted on the ceiling - There were some stains from the beginning of an infiltration near the window. You would have to fix this too before considering selling the house. The idea made you grunt and grimace.

Before you could put the cigarette back in your mouth, someone knocked on the door. The doorbell had stopped working a while ago and that was another thing that had to be fixed. 

“Who’s it?” You asked in a high voice, not moving from your spot. 

No one answered. That made you frown, then sit - which gave you a small discomfort. Seconds later, your phone had gone off. 

“... Hello?” 

“It’s me. Lemme in?”

Everything was screaming for you to say no, to hang up and leave him waiting outside until he gave up and disappeared. It would be very convenient for him to be there, ready to convince you of something, to change sides or be more malleable; it made sense. Still, you were a little out of orbit from the weed, slightly sluggish and relaxed, so you calmly got up, abandoned your phone on the couch and walked over, opening it but not waiting too long to see him enter. 

You took slow steps into the room. There was the sound of the door closing, then being locked, and then his footsteps coming behind, but keeping his distance. 

“Weed?” He asked. 

“Are you going to arrest me?”

“I could,” That answer made you snort. “But it’s Cali. And you’re literally my teenage wet dream right now, so I can let it pass.”

Teasing or not, you looked at yourself and noticed your clothes (or lack thereof): panties, a long t-shirt. When you turned to him, standing in the middle of the room, Benny was staring at your legs, but he wasn't smiling.

“You're like a broken record, you know that?” You raised your eyebrows, hands on your hips. “All you say is that I'm in your dreams. This is cheesy as fuck.” 

“You didn't complain about that when you were riding me.”

“Oh, so this is my fault?”

“Well, you’re being quite hypocritical.”

“Fuck off.”

“Stop it.”

“What do you want?”

“You didn't answer my calls.”

“That doesn't answer my question, so I guess we're even.”

He was tense, stressed. You could tell. Benny wouldn't talk to you like that if he wasn't angry about something, maybe even frustrated because you weren't 'clear-headed' to talk at all. 

For a few seconds, he considered you while licking his lips, as if the gears were turning in his head. Yours was also moving, but more gradually, slowly, which left you a little unresponsive when you saw him take off his jacket.

“This must be good, you didn't even hear me.”

“Mm?” You blinked, taking in the sight of his forearms while he lifted his shirt sleeves. That made him crack a giggle. 

“Can I have some?” 

Oh. Oh. The weed. He was already walking closer to the coffee table to grab the joint between two fingers, so you watched in awe as he put the cig on his lips and took a long drag, eyeing the burning tip with curiosity. Benny hummed and nodded while puffing the smoke.

“Shit’s really good. How did you get it?” 

“... My brother,” And before he could take another drag, you pick the joint from his hands. “Smoke, hold and pass. That's the rule, smartass.” 

“Are we in college or somethin’?”

“Shut up and sit down.”

That's what you two did (or at least he did). You took another drag, handed over the cigarette and lay down on the floor again, next to his feet, and faced the ceiling again. 

-------------------------

It was a very silent few minutes, almost making you forget that Benny was there. When the effect of marijuana hit him, he was already lying on the sofa, without his shoes or his top shirt, limiting himself to showing his arms in a white tank top. This gave you a period of lucidity, very brief, and soon there was no more marijuana to smoke, despite the joint not being finished.

All your caution was being thrown out the window, you knew, but it wasn't like it was going to make any difference. 

“Hey,” You called him in a low tone. 

“Mm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

Benny stayed quiet for a moment or two, as if gathering his thoughts, then you listened to him squirming on the couch, getting on his side to look at you. Sensing the attention, you did the same. 

“Shoot it.”

“What happened with Walsh wasn’t on purpose.”

Silence. For a beat, you even thought that he didn’t hear you, given the fact he was already zoning out a little. You started to feel embarrassed - weird. Well, you were high, which could lead to a version of you who would babble about a lot of nonsense and shit, but that was something that came from your lucid mind, probably a thing you wouldn’t say so softly without the weed. 

“It wasn’t a question,” He teased in a calm voice, smiling at you. 

“... I know,” You smiled back, but it turned into a bunch of stupid giggling while you hid part of your face in the carpet. 

It cooled down soon. 

“I didn’t see it this way, you know. Walsh is a stupid motherfucker.”

“Jackass.”

“Dickhead.”

“Yeah… His head looks like a dick. An ugly one.”

“And there’s any pretty dicks somewhere?”

“Just as there’s pretty pussies.” 

“Have you ever seen others?”

You looked at each other, a small smile playing on your lips. When realization started to slowly creep on him, he opened his mouth in shock. 

“It was in college-”

“Always in college,” He rolled his eyes, grinning like an idiot. 

“I had this friend, Kennedy. We were roommates, I was single at the time, you know… It happened. But now we’re just good friends.”

“Mm.”

“I’m serious!” You laughed. 

“So you’re telling me that if this Kennedy comes up here tonight, ask to go down on you or whatever, you would say no?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know.”

“Fuck, I would. I’m not cold blooded, gatita.”

A series of laughs filled the living room again. 

“We’re going out of the question here, yeah? Having a serious conversation.”

“You were the one talking about dicks here!”

“Because you called Walsh a dickhead!”

“Okay,” He sighed, adjusting his body to lean over his arm and have a better look at you. Little by little, Benny started to frown, as if thinking hard on something. You would be lying if you said it wasn’t a beautiful sight. 

“So?” 

“I know you didn’t do it on purpose,” His voice was soft, calm, even if a little concerned. “Plus, you had just signed a divorce and Walsh was there talking about it, humiliating you. That wasn't right.” 

You considered his words calmly, blinking heavily but still paying attention. 

“Nick wasn’t in his right mind when he said that.”

“You think?”

“Mm-hm. And Zapata too. He acted like a fucking animal when he called you a bitch.”

“You’re not just saying that, are you?” The question was serious, probably the first serious question you said since he came to your house out of nowhere. 

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you’re with them. Like… you know. With them.”

Benny nodded, taking in your words carefully. 

“Fair enough.” 

But he didn’t push the topic, nor tried to apologize or something. He let you have your doubts, probably because he himself couldn’t help but agree that maybe, if it was the other way around, there would be uncertainty on his part as well. You sighed, then, returning your eyes to the carpet and poking it every now and then, as if looking for something on it with false concentration.

“Hey.”

“Mm?”

“Come here.”

“What?”

“‘Wanna feel you,” He almost whined, extending one of his arms to grab you. 

“That’s why you came? To feel me?”

“Are you fucking mocking me, woman?”

“I am,” You sat up carefully, smirking at him lazily. “Looked like you just waited for the best opportunity to come back here and fuck me.” 

“But I don’t wanna fuck you, I wanna feel you.”

“What’s the difference?” 

The position you stayed couldn’t be more convenient: him, starting to sit as well, legs spread while you rose on your knees, ready to get up. It gave him some time to stare at you with a lazy grin. 

“Saying I wanna fuck would imply that I just came here for it,” He explained. “Feeling you could lead to sex, but with some warm up.”

“Both times we had sex had some warm up,” You argued, hands gripping his thighs lightly. 

“And it was so good, wasn’t it?” Benny asked when you rose just a little to get closer to his face. 

You observed his face for a moment before pecking his lips lightly. When he just sighed, melting into it, you smiled and gave him another kiss, this time a little longer, wetter - enough to, when you part ways, it made a muah. The fabric of your shirt was worn out, old enough to make it more thin and give you a better feel when you gently brushed your chest on his. It made you sigh against his lips, doing it again when he groaned a little, unable to move a muscle but reacting in slow breaths. 

Both of you, silly high adults, brushing your noses, kissing soundly and ready to fuck each other’s brains out as if the world wasn’t basically on fire. 

“I didn’t come here for this.”

This made you move your face, just a little, and the look on your eyes scrunched up in confusion. It felt like a spontaneous burst of lucidity, almost like a punch, and when he turned his face to the side, rubbing his eyes with the palms of his hands, you felt brutally rejected. You moved your hands away from his legs. Suddenly, the carpet was hurting your knees and you stood up, muttering a 'sorry' as you sat on the edge of the sofa, a little away from him. 

“Did you come to defend Nick or something?” 

“This has nothing to do with Nick.”

“So why are you here?”

He considered your face for a moment, still taking in the effects of the weed - even if you both started to feel more buzzed then properly high. 

“You don't want to go to war with him.”

“Oh,” You raised your eyebrows, scoffing a sarcastic giggle. “So you came to be a gentleman and defend me from the evils of disagreeing with Nicholas O'Brien? I thought you made it clear that you didn't have much chivalry in your personality.”  

“I don’t.”

“Mm.”

“But that has nothing to do with chivalry. You’re not being rational.”

“About…?” 

Benny sighed.

“We both know it was Emma.” 

“That shit again…” You groaned, getting up brusquely from your seat and wobbling a little before starting to walk away to the kitchen. 

“What happened was-”

“A mistake. A fucking mistake.” 

When you turned, Benny was up too, standing a few feet closer to the kitchen entrance with his arms hanging loosely on his sides. The lack of answer made you shake your head, grabbing a glass bottle of water from the fridge and drinking a good amount. 

“I'm not naive to think she couldn't have been involved in this, but I'm not naive or stupid to absolve Nick of the shit he should be responsible for,” You noticed his dry lips, the way he just blinked at you with a stern expression. With a tsk, you caught hold of a cup in the sink for him and poured some water in it, not daring to give, but letting it rest closer. 

He came, grabbed the cup. 

You could feel the effects of the marijuana, which were already weaker before, start to leave your system. You were sick, you made a face, but you swallowed your discomfort with more water. 

“I'm not Isla.”

It slipped out of your mouth like a slim and unstable thought, one that made him just nod, sipping on the water calmly while leaning on the sink beside you, eyeing the other side of the room. 

“Didn’t think you were.” 

“No?”

“Nn-nn.”

“But it would be easy to pretend that I am, wouldn't it? I’m alone, recently divorced, dedicated enough to work but very reticent about my boss.” 

You knew you had offended him the moment you said it, but Benny didn't show any anger. He stayed quiet, sipped the rest of the water and stood in front of you, face to face, in such a firm way that you almost backed away if you weren't so irritated.

“If I were as much of a son of a bitch as you think I am, I would have let you finish what you started on that couch,” That made you avert your gaze, but he gently pushed your chin, bringing you to eye his face again. “I'm not Nick.”

“I'm sorry if you made it clear otherwise. I'm not very good at reading between the lines of someone who literally said they’re just like him.” 

“With other people. I never crossed the line with you, did I?” 

“Because I never expected anything from you. I don't expect anything from you, actually, but I get a little offended if you show up at my house and say things like that.”

Before he could answer, you kept going. 

“She's just a bargaining chip, Benny. She always was. And despite our visibly very different lives, I know what it's like to be used and then discarded as if you’re nothing, as if every promise was nothing more than a lie to achieve something very personal, something that never had to do with you,” You said. “I don't want you to come here and expect me to point fingers or accuse people. If it was Emma, ​​if it was Walsh, it doesn't make any difference if the person primarily responsible for this doesn't take the real blame.” 

“You know the world isn’t a fairytale, don't you?”

“I do. And Isla knows it too, better than anyone. This has nothing to do with an imaginary, but with commitment. When was the last time Nick used his badge for anything other than taking it out of his pocket while a whore gave him a blowjob?”

Nothing. Just silence. For a long, perceptive, heavy moment - silence. 

“Emma received a letter of recommendation from the DEA forensic department,” He said in a low tone, catching you completely by surprise. That felt like a test, the way he observed your reaction with care, looking for an answer. When he found it, Benny nodded. “That's why I came here.”

“... What? I don’t understand.”

“I can't remember the last time I had five minutes of conversation with someone who had nothing to do with this shit.” 

You could barely process the information, what that implied, because you had every right to disbelieve and have your doubts. There was a suspicious look on your face, he knew that because you didn't hide it, but he didn't take offense this time.

“Stay away. Things are going to get fucked up.” 

--------------------------------

Taglist (no pressure)

@cheesybadgers  

@thesandbeneathmytoes ​

@nerdyreaderpapi

@thoroughlymodernminutia

@mysoulisasunflower

@seaweeden

@eclecticfashionbookszipper

@servenas-inner-fangirl

[renniis]

‧ ｡.*✩彡 trust - manjiro sano

cw : hurt/ comfort, bonten mikey being mikey wc : 1.45k

━━ Spacing out while staring out the car window, your head propped up in your hand as you began wondering how you managed to get into this mess again.

You've been avoiding Mikey lately, and anyone could see that from the way your face would turn red when his name would be mentioned and you'd always change the subject.

He was a handful, his constant mood swings and venomous words made the two of you drift apart and as much as it hurt you , you knew you couldn't avoid him forever. As soon as he'd text you, you'd go back again.

It was stupid enough for you to get attached to a gang leader that didn't know what love is but on top of that , he turned out to have many deep rooted issues and bringing up his past was an invitation to get your feelings hurt.

You just wanted to know more about him, you wanted him to open up to you but every time you tried, he shut you down in an instant.

You tried everything to get him to warm up to you and drop the cold act but you failed every single time. The only time you saw him in a vulnerable state was, well , when you slept with him.

Even after all those times, he'd grab his clothes and leave shortly after without much explanation besides that he "had business to attend to".

Everyone warned you but you didn't listen, it was foolish of you to fall for him when you knew he d never fall for you.

Maybe it was just sex to him after all. However something told you different, maybe it was the way tonight he picked you up without any notice, how he stared at you with a different look than usual in his eyes.

You felt Mikey place his hand on your thigh from the drivers seat as he took a turn making you turn to face him.

The bright street lights shining on the side of his face as he continued to focus on driving , intense look peering through his eyes as he sat silently waiting for you to say something first. He always did that.

" Mikey - " You began but paused as soon as you heard him let out a small chuckle, his black eyes still fixated forward towards the road.

You tilted your head and looked at him confused as he pulled his hand away from your thigh hesitatingly.

" I've heard you went to see Draken last week, how is he ? " His tone was blunt as ever as he took another sharp turn, both hands gripping the staring wheel firmly.

Your heart skipped a beat, ah shit - you thought.

" He's - Well, he's good, i just went to get my bike checked , you know - "

"Bullshit, don't lie to me " He paused to look over towards you for a brief second,

" No one casually goes to see their ex after years for a bike check " He responded as he parked the car in the empty parking lot near his building.

You two locked eyes before he scoffed and faced away from you, rolling down his window before bringing a lighter to his cigarette.

You stared at him nervously, has he always smoked? No, you knew the only time he did was when he was upset , and what are you meant to say ? How could you comfort someone who refuses to show vulnerability?

The thing that confused you the most, however, was this deep desire to comfort him in a way you'd know he won't let anyone else . It made your head spin .

The truth is though, he's not yours and you're not his. He had no right to get upset when he never made an effort to truly stay in the first place.

" Yeah, you're right - i went to see Draken and spent the night with him, you happy now ? " You admitted impulsively, gesticulating in frustration.

" Pft " Mikey rolled his eyes as he blew smoke out and flicked the cigarette butt out the window, crossing his arms as he turned back around to face you.

You got progressively more annoyed at the silence growing between the two of you so you shook your head impatiently waiting for him to speak. You hoped at least once, just once, he would drop the tough act and say how he feels.

" I know i shouldn't of expected more but ..." He starts and you instantly open your mouth to say something but before you could he continues, cutting you off.

" When'd you give up on me ? "

Your mouth shut closed in shock, your eyes starting to glisten as you felt a knot form in your throat and your chest getting tighter. He's such an asshole.

" I never gave up on you Mikey but you can't just expect love n not give it back " You avoided his intense stare, looking down at your fingers as you continued to fiddle with the material of your skirt.

" I know i don't mean anything serious for you but this shit hurts me and i can't keep doing it expecting for you to change "

Mikey leaned towards you silently and lifted your chin with his index finger so you met his gaze, as cold and emotionless as usual. His thumb traced your lips as he got closer to you, his forehead touching yours.

" Don't say dumb stuff like that " He cupped your cheek before quickly retracting his hand and backing away, leaving you following his hand slightly at the loss of touch.

" I wouldn't be here if i didn't care " He continued, avoiding your gaze as his hands went back to resting on the steering wheel.

" So why do you act like this ? " You asked, your voice trembling as you leaned closer to him.

He gave you a smile, something so rare you were left in a daze while looking at him.

" Because if i let you in, you'd see me differently "

You scoffed and shook your head no with a half smile before slowly lifting yourself up from your seat and going to straddle on top of him in his seat, your head resting on his chest taking in the faint smell of cigarettes and cologne.

He held you, resting his hand on your lower back as the silence grew louder and you could hear his heart begin to pound harder in his chest. You let out a sigh, your finger tracing along side his chest.

" There's nothing you could say or do that would make me stop loving you " You mumbled in his chest, prompting him to tangle his hand in your hair gently pulling your head up .

" Don't say things you'll regret " He licked his lips as his eyes scanned your features, his silver hair messily hanging over his face.

You hated and loved it at the same time, how quickly your mood can be changed by a simple look from him. A simple change in tone or how his cold fingers feel as they anxiously dance on the skin of your lower back while he waits for a reply back.

For some sort of reassurance to easy his mind, something you'd always offer him unconditionally every time. No matter how much it hurt you inside knowing this euphoric feeling of being with him will leave you feeling empty as soon as the night was over and he decides to leave again.

Like he always does in the end.

You smile to yourself leaving him confused while you realised that no matter how much you tried to avoid it and no matter how sad it made you feel, you'll never get over this .

The high highs and the low lows. You grew addicted to them, you gave into this desire of some day being able to truly be with him and time and time again, he showed you he's not that type.

And time and time again, you refused to give up on him. You tried but the way your heart races with every passing second of him holding you, you knew you'd never be able to.

" Regret ? " You lift your eyebrow, a small giggle leaving you .

" I never have any regrets " You lower your lips towards his, stopping a mere inch before kissing him as you notice his grip getting tighter, almost pulling you towards him.

" I pray for your sake that that's true "

" I told you i'm down for whatever, i'm asking you just to trust me - just once" You whispered before finally letting your lips meet his, your arms wrapping around his neck as he pulls you closer.

He stares at you silently after your lips part from his, both of you trying to catch your breath until he finally speaks, giving you a peace of mind.

" I can try to do that - for you "

[alittlebitgoofy]

we were friends, now i want more (1/3) - (spice/luxx)

heheheheh i didn't mean for this to turn into a multipart thing but i wanted to post what i had and i won't leave y'all hanging on such a cliffhanger. so much gay shit about to drop i felt like giving these gals the build up for the penny to finally drop :)) many thanks to @fuckyeah-dragrace and @puppywritesthings for dealing with my tired ass writing and making sure it makes sense, and dealing with my constnat questions about the american college system (ily puppy thx bestie) ao3 link

Luxx huffed impatiently on her laptop as if that would solve the block that was this assignment. Fucking essays. Whoever decided this was important for a music class was an absolute ass.

Marcia glanced at them wearily. Luxx wasn’t one to half ass anything, always insisting it had to be perfect, the issue came with the self criticism. Even in the short time they’d shared a dorm together, she’d figured out that they were never happy with anything they did. There was always something to improve which was great until you had assignments due that you were never happy with.

The laptop slamming shut made them jump, watching as Luxx growled into her hands.

“This is fucking ridiculous.”

“Maybe you should take a break?”

“Maybe. Or I could just finish this and be done with it. If my brain would work.”

They let out an exasperated sigh, picking up the laptop and throwing it into their bag.

“Maybe if I go to the library I’ll get this done.”

“This late? Marcia glanced at the time. Who in their right mind went to the library at 11pm on a Thursday?

“Fuck it, no one else is going to be there and it’s 24 hours for a reason.”

“You do you I guess.” Arguing with her roommate was a lost cause. Marcia just shrugged, shooting Spice a text to inform her of Luxx’s actions. If anyone could talk sense into them it was her.

Luxx swore they would get this done, ignoring that it was due the next morning. They didn’t want to take the hit and admit something was beyond them.

Thankfully the library was as empty as expected, only a few people typing at laptops looking as tired as they felt. The change in scenery helped a small bit, progress happening slowly but surely to this piece of torture their professor called coursework.

Hours seemed to pass in the blink of an eye yet agonisingly slowly. She stared down the word count like it was trying to murder her. 500 words left. That was all she needed.

Just as the focus began to stray, Luxx’s phone buzzed. The brief flash of irritation faded to a small smile as they noticed it was Spice.

Spice: u ok? marcia said u went to the libry to do an essay

Spice: libray

Spice: library? hot girls can’t spell

Luxx: you got there in the end, I’m fine just want to die over this shitty essay

Spice: due tomorrow?

Luxx: yeah, it’s evil

Spice: how long did u have to do it?

Luxx: two weeks

Spice: evil

Luxx couldn’t help but smile at her phone. At least someone got it. Spice's lack of spelling ability provided enough amusement rto finish this damn thing.

By the time they were done, there was nobody else left in the library. Luxx glanced at the clock, cringing as it read 4am. Did it really take five hours to finish this thing? How could a stupid essay have taken her this long. At least it was done.

Not like she needed to be up for an 8am class. That wasn’t a thing. Not at all.

The world seemed to want her exhausted, running off barely any sleep and wanting to commit a crime if anyone looked at her the wrong way. Luxx wanted nothing more than to curl up and sleep for the weekend as they came out of class though knowing Marcia was with Jax in their dorm she chanced not having pda shoved down her throat and texted Spice to see if she was free.

Of course she got a text back in an instant, trusting that girl to always be on her phone.

Spice: sug is in class for a few hours, come hang out with me 🥺

Luxx: as long as no one is making out in your dorm im there

Even Spice was starting to grate on them a bit. Her relentless energy was usually fun but right now, all Luxx wanted was quiet. She grunted as Spice attempted to initiate conversation. They instantly regretted it as the black haired girl pouted, though her body didn’t seem to hold any tension or malice.

“Alright, I know what you need.”

Before they could question what that even meant and what the hell Spice was planning, she pulled them into her arms, leaning Luxx’s head on her shoulder as her hands became preoccupied stroking and being run through their head.

“If anyone else tried this I'd kill them.” She grumbled, though Spice just giggled in response.

“I know.” Spice chirped cheerfully, her relentless optimism making Luxx crack a small smile.

Thankfully Spice knew what to do. Now that she questioned it, Spice’s flipping on a dime was strange to say the least. How the hell did someone who got stressed out trying to figure out how much 3 items cost in a supermarket have so much emotional intelligence? It would be off putting if she wasn’t so warm, physically and emotionally. Seriously. Why did Spice’s cuddles always leave Luxx so relaxed? At last, their body gave in to fatigue, melting into Spice as she moved one arm to fall over Luxx’s back, circling small trails with her thumb.

It didn’t take long for Spice to notice the lack of movement in her friend. Truth be told, she’d noticed how tired Luxx looked the second their eyes met. She played dumb, knowing Luxx would end up letting her cuddle them to her heart's content and that was the easiest way to get her to rest.

—

Spice turned around as she felt a tug on her hand, Luxx looked down at the floor, as if making eye contact would make them combust.

“You think you could stay a little longer?” Her voice was quiet, tone not quite faltering but damn near close. Spice could feel the defeat in her, admitting to needing someone when she insisted she was fine alone. All the confidence and pride in the world meant nothing in that moment. Luxx finally glanced up, linking their eyes in a painful silence.

“You don’t have to. Fuck. Forget I said anything. It doesn’t matter.”

Spice didn’t speak, only moved back to Luxx’s bed and pulled them into a tight embrace. Luxx could only sit there speechless before letting themself fully relax into Spice. She was always the one to be affectionate and usually they just let her because it was fine. Not enjoyable, but fine. Right now though? She needed this. She needed Spice.

“Don’t try and deny it. You’re allowed to need someone. Let me take care of you this time.”

Something was different about Spice. Her usual thoughtless positivity was replaced by something a lot smarter. It wasn’t the first time Luxx had seen this shift, though it was the first time it was directed towards her.

She just did as Spice asked, knowing that she wouldn’t do anything wrong. Luxx let out a breath, leaning back into Spice as she pulled them down further into her arms. Somehow, only now did they notice how strong she could be. She always seemed so gentle and soft, someone Luxx wanted nothing more than to protect from anything and everything bad in the world.

Maybe it was the exhaustion, or the emotional vulnerability. But something felt different. There was an unspoken lack of boundaries, Spice content for whatever Luxx chose to do, letting her take control of the situation with a warm smile when she burrowed against her.

Luxx’s hands idly ran up and down Spice’s arms, that stayed wrapped around her waist. Soft hums accompanied the action, the black haired girl melting at the contact, squeezing them ever so tighter.

Something started to bubble up, threatening to break out of Luxx at any point. She hesitated, eyes darting down when Spice cocked her head to the side, analysing the sudden shift in their expression.

So many things she was trying to repress threatened to spill out. Her chest tightened, heart beginning to thud when things started to make sense and all of her awareness was placed squarely in the current situation.

“You’re so perfect.”

Luxx felt their body convulse as Spice spoke, stroking their hair away from their eyes as it fell in their face.

“You don’t have to be. I know you always want to be, but you are without even trying.” She continued, smiling softly as Luxx raised an eyebrow at her.

“You have everything anyone would ever need. You’re smart, pretty, you don’t let people step over you. Don’t think you have to work yourself to the brink just to be good enough. You are just by being you.” Spice’s tone was so genuine, dripping with so much affection when her eyes never left Luxx that they wondered if she’d been possessed. They wondered if this side of her was fleeting, if she’d be back to the girl who couldn’t sit for more than five minutes without mentioning dolls or getting sidetracked by the first interesting thing someone mentioned.

Spice’s presence was enough to put her at ease, Luxx just let out an agreeing hum into her chest, not quite trusting herself to speak. A warmth washed over her, replaying the sheer factual way Spice complimented her, like it was an everyday thing to comment positively on every aspect of someone’s being.

Sure, people called her pretty. People tried to flirt and lather Luxx with compliments they would shake off or just plain agree with. But the way Spice said it? Something deep within them melted when those sweet words came from her.

Time passed, soft whispers were exchanged between the two occasionally. Luxx’s brain was swimming, half asleep and wishing she could project her thoughts into Spice’s head without having to say a word.

“I love you.”

Before realisation could hit, Luxx had fallen asleep, leaving Spice reeling and ready to lose her mind over three little words. That’s a problem for another day though, Luxx finally resting was more important and sleeping with them in her arms was something she just wanted to enjoy for as long as possible.

[whatdoesshedotothem]

Friday 28 September 1832

6 ¼

12

fine morning F68 ½° at 6 25 breakfast with my father at 8  musing before getting up and as I dressed of Miss Walker  I think we should be happy together  I should gently lead her into my own ways and soon be really attached to her to the exclusion of all care for anyone else - Out in the walk at 10 –

x from 2 to 3 10 asleep in the hut or rather the last twenty five minutes incurred a cross thinking of Miss Walker I shall think myself into being in love with her I am already persuaded I like her quite well enough for comfort Home at 3 ½ meaning to write letters – talking 2 or 3 minutes to Marian – when company rap at the door and Miss Walker shewn into the drawing room – her call seemed to be on my aunt – sat about ½ hour, and I then walked back with her down the walk - she asked if I had got her note – no! then explained that she had come to ask my advice about her tenant - Collins having forced open the barn doors opening into her courtyard - this matter settled we sat down in the hut for about ¾ hour sill 5 50 I then walked with her to her own door and got back at 7 - bordering on love-making in the hut said I should certainly take her off with me  hoped she could trust me yes she had the greatest confidence in me and our going together was actually agreed on and we afterwards talked of it as a thing settled depending only on our respective aunts both of whom are in a precarious way our liaison is now established  it is to be named to nobody but her sister and aunt and my aunt and that not till a week or ten days before our being off we shall now go on swimmingly and our courtship will progress naturally she already likes me  perhaps she scarce knows how and we shall both be in love seriously enough before our journey s[aid] I should breakfast at Lightcliffe tomorrow and could not resist calling as I returned to ask if she had got cold if she is out I am to go to her at Cliff hill my aunt had hoped she would come on Monday  to which she readily consented so that we shall probably see a good deal of each other she looks happy and as if the remainder of the victory to be won would not cost me too much difficulty thought I as I returned well π- set me at liberty in May in less than five months I as [am] reprovided and the object of my choice have perhaps three thousand a year or near it probably two-thirds at her own disposal no bad pis aller [last resort] even if I liked her less  a better take than Lady Gordon or perhaps than Vere either well now I will be steady and constant and make the poor girl as happy as I can so that she shall have no reason to repent like the day of engagement between Miss Walker and me  on my return home found on my desk a parcel the letter-press (presse-papier - the first thing she ever gave me) and note from Miss Walker – explaining about Collins  and that she should hope to

like the day of engagement between Miss W- and me

the 1st thing she ever gave me

SH:7/ML/E/15/0123

find me in my walk between 3 and 5 - begins with ‘I have real pleasure in sending the letter-press tho’ my own motive, and its possible utility are its only recommendations to your acceptance’. the first thing she ever gave me - we are in smooth waters now she tells me more and more of her affairs  she feels at ease and happier with me than perhaps she could easily explain and probably we shall both be impatient by and by to be off I myself am surprised at my so rapid success and at the novelty of my situation perhaps after all she will make me really happier than any of my former flames  at all rates we shall have money enough and I don’t fancy she will either be close or stingy or cold to me had just written the above of today at 8 ¾ - how little my aunt thinks what is going on! π- believes me safe at home and dreams not how she is losing all chance of me  she is right served – nobody working for me today (except Pickles and co. at the wearing) but Dick getting on and spreading ashes – William Green brought 4 loads today – went into the other room at 9 ½ - skimmed over the paper – came to my room at 10 ¾ wrote a note to Mr. Parker in answer to his of yesterday – thanks for it, and the act of parliament – Jones of Huddersfield coming over in a few days – have desired Washington to employ him to value the stone – hear the trustees have agreed to give Mr. Holroyde of Priestley Green a shilling a yard for stone said to be not worth so much as mine – (George Robinson told me the other day) – desired by my father to give his compliments and thanks for some very fine cranberries Mr. Parker was so good as send – ‘I am, sir, etc. etc. A Lister’ – very fine day – F70 ½° at 11 ¼ p.m.

[poeteroyal]

For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic.

Patience is not rewarding. It still holds space in our energy and makes us tired, exhausted and hopeful. Patience leads to disappointment. Long periods of time without confirmation, if you get it at all. Doing all the work- the healing, the building, the boundaries, are all for ourselves. It doesn’t bring in what we are being desperately patient for. It may help in a way of becoming content, but the reward will never be what we hope for. I took my time, although impatient with healing, building, boundaries, to be where I am today. Mentally sound, financially secure, and knowing what I want and how to keep it safe does nothing for desire. I can get an inch close to my desire and it whisps away leaving a lesson that is necessary. I accept the lesson and sit with it until I can apply it to my life and/or ways of thinking. I express gratitude for everything that comes into my life, and everything that leaves. This time, the exit wasn’t so painful. Once again, disappointed, but not terribly distraught or sad. I do this thing where I go to the gym early in the morning, I grab a coffee afterwards, and on my way home I say what I want to say to whoever. I thought I didn’t care as much about this current situation, but I do, just not to the same degree as all the others. It took a while, but I finally cried. Out of frustration. Not because he put himself in the category all the other men have ended up in, but because he made me want something that is more likely than not, something I’ll never have.

His exit was confusing, but ultimately because he wanted kids and I didn’t. Saying he needed a few days to think about things then ghosting me. No good morning or good night texts starting the day. Every woman knows what that means. It’s over. I told him I may consider kids, but that it requires further conversation and time together. When confronted with my boundaries, he pulled the, “I need to focus on myself.” card. Then why ask me to be yours, then days later, disappear? No explanation, no communication, another man that didn’t do what he promised he would. Since then, I’ve seen my PCP, my psychiatrist, therapist, and friends to examine my thoughts and side in this. Ultimately, it comes down to the trauma of my first pregnancy. I won’t go into details because I’m not trying to get triggered. But when posed with the inquiry of having another kid, and what it would look like, that's when I got upset. 

I thought about how I’d feel if I got pregnant on my terms. Now at a secure time in my life, where it’s not out of the realm of possibility, and my [conception] health being the best it's ever been, I felt the joy of looking at a positive test like I had been desiring it. What it would look like to have a partner I trusted to do this with. Now, I can’t stop thinking about it. Knowing that with my history of solidarity and the caliber of man that it would take, that the chances of feeling safe enough to move forward with having another child is not only slim, but nearly impossible. I thought he just needed time. I was waiting on his call, on our next conversation to explain this revelation, but that call won’t ever come. He’s gone, stuffed into that category, and I’m not letting that affect my mood. The lesson I learned from him is that I want to feel the joy of creating another life. That’s a heavy, heavy point for me to even get to. That if I had the right partner we could still travel with the baby, create an empire of our own joy and provide an example of what a stable and loving family can look like. 

As of now, I’m doing what I usually do, retreating. Back into my cute little cave filled with plants, cats, and my beautiful daughter. I’m not responding to anyone or going anywhere. I’m writing, playing music, and reading. I’m living in a state of faith, connecting with spirit, and gratitude for my progress. He closed the door, but I opened one that could bring the most unique bliss into my life. I just need to remove the lazyboy recliner that I post myself in, staring at it, waiting for someone to come through it that I can experience it with. If it happens it happens. I won’t be impatient or patient. The door is open, and I’ll feel the breeze from time to time. It may make me colder than I want to be at times, or the perfect chill that brings relief to overheating and exhaustion. I am the mother I always wanted to have, I am proud and loving and present. And I hope I get the chance to grow another child to share that with. If not, I’m content as is. Patience does not bring reward, but being content is better than being miserable.

[kyrodo]

I'm the one C spends the most time with. So much so that we've played games like divinity and slay the spire over night many hours straight and pushed the limits of our sleeping hours further than ever. We've overshadowed times we used to spend on vrchat socializing playing together. And it is an amazing and perhaps selfish feeling being where I am with my crush. Always being there to help with homework. Always waiting for him to come back when he jumps into other chats for a bit. But most importantly the fact that spending time together is so addicting for both of us. I've kept track of all the times people have mistaken us as a couple and all the times people have called us cute together. I remember being jealous when LW of the wolf pack became his master without actually knowing the full context of what that meant. I remember being jealous whenever people who've known him for a long time show up.

But gradually all those petty internal reactions have lessened. I'm more secure about where we are. About our bond. Enough that I no longer worry. Enough that I can both feel and act sensibly when other people are around. Because I understand and know so much more than I used to, and I understand just how special it is that despite everything, it is always us spending the most time together. And for times many times proven, the time we've shared has either been addictive or helpful. I've been helping him learn programming and I've helped him with so many things at this point. Never overstepping any boundaries. Never overplaying my cards never being nosey or impatient, or passive aggressive. Every little thing I've done has been perfect. And it's more than paid off. But even without all of that the one thing I've come to understand the most is that we're incredibly compatible with each other. Moreso than anyone I've ever met or felt anything for. Our personalities blend extremely well. Our interests align. Our temperments hardly ever friction. And it has grown into something incredibly healthy. As if a form of revenge against when I tried to make an extremely unhealthy one. I'm literally the best that I can be for him, without over asserting or showing my feelings. Without demanding attention but still getting most of it anyway. And perhaps most exciting is the sheer number of clues that my feelings are shared. And the fact that I didn't do anything unnatural to get here. This is the right way to do everything. I've never felt so happy before and I've been on top of the world for months, yet we're still going strong. And progressively getting stronger. I'm trusted so much more than when we started. He's been horny with me on several occasions XD not long after saying he'd never be. Uh anyway. We're inseparable. And everyone likes seeing us together. And so do I.

And by far the most affirmative thing is we sleep schedule around each other. When we can't be on at the same time we're asleep. C wakes up for me and goes to sleep when I'm not there, even if I'm just at work. We're our reasons to wake up for. Whether it's recreational or for being productive I'm there.

[ystrike1]

My In-Laws are Obsessed with me - By Han Yoon Seol (8/10)

This one has potential. I'm not sure if it's yandere yet, but it's going in that direction.

Pereschatte is alone. Her parents died, and only her step mother and sister are left. She trusts and loves them until she has a strange dream. It feels so real. She cannot ignore it. In this dream she is bedridden and dying. Her stepmother is laughing, and her sister is excited. They're finally about to get the inheritance money they've been waiting for.

Her fiance, Siph, is by her bedside too. He's hugging her step sister, and kissing her tenderly. They've been in love all along, and she was just in the way. Siph cannot wait to marry his true love after she dies. She struggles but she cannot move. After a while they get impatient, and her stepmother smothers her with a pillow. The last thing she sees is her fiance in her sisters arms.

Pereschatte does not waste a moment. She needs time. Her fiance, and her stepmother are currently controlling her life. She cannot simply throw them out of her home, because she doesn't have a husband. Or any friends. She is just the daughter of a dead count. Her inheritance is large, but she's not a political figure. Her stepmother correctly assumed she was an easy target. Pereschatte runs to the scariest nobleman she knows, and begs for help. She says he only needs to pretend to be her fiance for a short time. She needs to find a safe house, and a way to get rid of her stepmother. She can't do that if she's stuck in the same house with her.

Duke Lapileon says no. She sounds and looks crazy, and he's a busy man. Also, he's cursed. If his blood touches someone they'll die, and that's top secret. If anyone finds out they have to be killed. He tells the frantic Pereschatte to leave and stop bothering him.

He's her only hope because everyone fears him, even though they don't know about the curse. He's a blood drenched warrior who is known for his coldness. He isn't interested in women, so he's the ideal cover fiance. If Pereschatte approaches another man that man may take her stepmothers side. Almost anyone can be bribed, but not the Duke. She grabs him, and his cursed blood accidentally touches her skin. She cut him with her ring because she grabbed him so desperately.

Then she dies again.

Then she wakes up in her own grave. (I'm assuming that she can't die until she gets her revenge. Since magic is real in this world the dead count may have placed a spell on her.) The Duke immediately pulls her out and then things get weirder. He cuts himself and shoves his hand into her mouth.

She dies and wakes up yet again.

The Duke proposes right away, and says they'll be together for a year. The plot hasn't gotten very far, but it looks like he wants to keep her permanently. No one that knows the family secret can just walk around free anyway.

I'm suspicious of him.

He was way too happy when he shoved his blood down her throat.

They get married immediately in a decidedly unromantic way.

(I really like the way this webtoon is written. It's weird and the magic feels very occult.)

A princess is deeply, madly in love with the cursed Duke. Her name is Dolea, and he feels less than nothing for her. I hope her obsession will be explained in the future. She storms in moments after the wedding to argue with him. She's immature, childish and terrifying. Pereschatte's step family is already terrifying enough. I didn't expect the author to add more villians.

As the story progresses Pereschatte meets the entire cursed family. The promotional chapter implies that they all adore her. Duke Theodore has become her dog and he can't bear to be away from her for long. The children look up to her, and everyone else in the family sees her as their savior.

I think her immortality curse ends up curing their awful blood curse at some point, but I'm not sure.

This one isn't predictable.

[luvrlixie]

KILLING ME SOFTLY

【REQUESTED】 - OKAY OKAY SJDBJSISH I WAS GONNA REQUEST A SKZ SEEING YOU IN THEIR CLOTHES OR SOMETHING BUT THEN I STARTED THINKING ABOUT BINNIE SEEING YOU IN SHORT SHORTS AND HIS SHIRT WHICH IS LIKE HUGE ON YOU (ALSO THIS MAN IS DEF A THIGH GUY) AND MY MAN GOES F E R A L. SO. YOU LET HIM RIDE YOUR THIGH <33333

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

tags: changbin x gn! reader, soft dom reader, thigh riding/dry humping, very soft, exhibitionism????????? idk they aren't alone in the dorm but no one walks in. not a lot of smut sorry y'all </3 mostly just sappy emotions.. but still nsfw... lit rally wrote at 4am and don't feel like editing lmaoo

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

"seriously binnie! if you're gonna spend so much money on clothes, you should at least wear them. you have so many cute sweaters and the fact that they're collecting dust in the back of your closet is a crime."

changbin sat up and peered over the back of the couch as you entered the room. he was ready to shoot back a snarky comment but his words died on his tongue as soon as he saw you.

you stopped by the studio to visit him earlier, where he and the rest of 3racha were working on a track for the next album. you hadn't planned on staying long since you knew your boyfriend would be busy. but about 20 minutes after showing up chan was ushering everyone else out of the room, claiming that he had everything he needed from the other boys for now and that they both deserved a night off. any worries you or changbin might have had about chan overworking himself were immediately replaced by the realization that the two of you would finally have some time alone.

and that brought you to where you were now. standing in front of a blushing boy, wearing shorts and a long shirt of his that completely hid said shorts. you had decided to change after your boyfriend proposed that you spend the night. (at the time he was excited for movies and cuddles, but now it was an offer that he was starting to regret as he could already feel himself growing hard). the shirt you wore was one that changbin never put on due to it's size, he didn't think the whole oversized clothes style was really his thing.

but holy fuck it was yours.

"you uh- you look good."

changbin swallowed and you squinted. he was always a sucker for you wearing his clothes, but it was still odd for him to be turning so red just from seeing you in an shirt of his. luckily it didn't take long for you to notice the way his eyes wouldn't meet yours since they were focused on a different part of your body. you couldn't help but let out a little giggle. seeing you in his clothes might make him weak, but his biggest weakness was your thighs. he'd never exactly talked about your thighs in particular, but it was something that you had picked up on as your relationship progressed. you couldn't help but notice how changbin was always making sure to leave little marks on the inside of your thighs, and would jump at the chance to lay between them when he got sleepy, and how he would often pull out just in time to paint your thighs with his cum.

"like what you see?" you asked playfully as you took a few steps forward so you were standing in front of him.

"like what i- fuck yes... you're gonna be the death of me y/n."

you hummed in amusement, loving the affected you had on your boyfriend, and tangled a hand in his hair so you could guide him forward and let him press kisses on your thighs.

"mm seriously, on my gravestone it's gonna say your name after cause of death" changbin breathed out as he happily trailed his lips over your skin.

"that makes it sound like I murdered you, I'm not a fan of that"

you stood there for a few more minutes. finally moving away once you sensed that changbin was growing impatient. although you loved making your boyfriend beg, now was not that time for that. even though you moved to sit down next to him, changbin whined when you stepped away. knowing you, the poor boy was worried that you were gonna make him suffer through the whole movie with a boner. however, you had much different plans in mind for tonight.

with a smile, you slid a hand between his legs. "such a pretty noise, that little whine. wanna make it again for me?"

changbin's mouth went dry, he opened it to say something but nothing would come out. how were you always able to make him speechless? he did want to make that noise for you again. he wanted you to coo over how cute he sounded, but not here. not in the living room with minho still tucked away in his room, and with hyunjin and seungmin who were expected back at any minute.

"please, please let's go to my room. I need you."

you shook your head and started palming at chnagbin's crotch through his sweatpants, making his body go slack. "shh baby it's okay, calm down. I was just gonna let you grind against my thigh, let you get off like that. we'll be fully clothed so if anyone walks in it'll be pretty easy to play it off as cuddling or a makeout session."

that seemed to be all the reassurance that changbin needed. the way you were touching him paired with your soft voice was making his head spin. all he was focused on now was making you happy and chasing his orgasm. not even a second went by until he was moving onto your lap so he was facing you and straddling one of your legs.

"there you go! good boy."

you helped him settle into a comfortable position and pulled him close so his chest was pressed against yours and his face was buried in your neck. as changbin started to move his hips, you continued whispering words of encouragement and gentle praises since you could feel how tense he had gotten. changbin hadn't exactly done this before. and although the whole thing seemed rather self explanatory and he had gotten off by rutting against a pillow multiple times, he felt a bit self conscious with you watching his every move.

"It's okay bunny, there's no right or wrong way to do this. just whatever feels good." you whispered soothingly into his ear, catching the nervous look in his eyes and the way his movements kept faltering.

it was silly of him to be nervous, he realized. the safest he had ever felt was with you, and over the course of your relationship you had both tried out plenty of new things together (both in and out of the bedroom). thigh riding? this was nothing, you had certainly seen him in much more embarassing situations. so changbin nodded and finally started settling into a steady pace, trusting your words entirely.

every drag of his cock elicited a soft ah sound from the dark haired boy. luckily, you didn't have to worry about him being too loud. he was vocal and made plenty of noise, but always quiet whimpers and soft choruses of "oh"s. you could get him to be loud if you wanted to, you knew how. for now the tiny noises he was making was more than enough to satisfy you as you played with his hair and peppered his forehead with kisses. "there you go bun, bet it feels so good huh?" as you spoke you pressed your leg upwards, applying extra pressure to the whimpering boy's cock. the gasp he let out made your eyes widen in entertainment and you repeated the action, taking pleasure in how he squirmed everytime. "keep going little slut, don't slow down. doesn't my bunny wanna make a pretty mess for me?"

"m-more'" changbin panted.

normally you'd chastise him for not saying please. but right now you honestly couldn't care less. you just wanted your boyfriend to feel loved. wanted him to be as proud of himself as you are of him. so you smiled and pressed your leg up again, hands gripping onto his hips so that you can help guide his movements. "that song you were working on when I visited sounded so good. I know you've been working so hard on it. you're so talented baby, so amazing." changbin let out a sort of strangled noise and tightened his arms around you, pulling himself as close to you as he could get. the absence of words didn't bother you. sometimes changbin babbled on and on while you ruined him, telling you how good he felt and how much he loved you. while other times he just clings onto you, settling on a variety of whines to communicate. both were good.

as the familiar tightness grew in changbin's body, he focused on following the push and pull of your arms. if it wasn't for you guiding him he would have entirely lost his rhythm. knowing that your boyfriend was getting close, you started bouncing your leg and kneading his ass with one hand.

"changbin.. binnie, hey. c'mon let me see your face" you softly prodded, waiting for him to pull back. when he did, your heart squeezed in your chest.

he was so beautiful.

his lips were parted and his bottom lip was glossy and red from biting down on it too hard. his hair was sticking out in a few places, and his eyes were so full of pleasure. you could tell from the glassy look that changbin wasn't entirely present, his thoughts were elsewhere.

"m'gonna..." changbin slurred, hips twitching and back arching. you caught on immediately and softly grabbed his chin to make sure he didn't hide his face again, you always loved to see his face screw up as he comes. this time was no different.

"good boy, good boy let it all out for me"

you helped him ride out his orgasm and leaned forward to kiss him. not even caring that the kiss was messy and mostly just teeth since changbin was panting far too heavily to give you a proper kiss. when changbin's orgasm had finished washing through his body, you let him crash back into your chest. as you waited for him to catch his breath you rubbed his back and buried your face in his hair, giving him time to compose himself before talking.

"I love you binnie"

"..love you too y/n ... but seriously you're way too hot ... gonna die from sexiness overload"

[btsqualityy]

I Choose You

Taehyung x Reader

Genre: ABO (Alpha/Beta/Omega) dynamics, crushes-to-lovers, kind of a soulmate!AU (it’s based on their scents), fluff, and smut

Warnings: Oral sex (Male and female receiving), unprotected sex, dirty talk, soft Dom!Taehyung, impregnation kink, and creampie 

Author’s Note: This fic is based on a prompt from the Spring Fest “Spring Will Come Again” hosted by @bangtanarmynet! I hope you guys enjoy it!

Prompt: Every Spring Fest, the unmated Alphas had to choose a mate but when Taehyung felt a pull, he didn’t expect it to lead to you.

“Come on!” Taehyung whined loudly. “Just tell me!”

“You know that I cannot tell you who is participating in the Mating Ceremony Tae,” Jimin giggled. “It’s against pack rules.”

“Alright, well just give me a clue,” Taehyung tried to bargain. The two of them were sat outside in the territory that belonged to their pack, deciding to enjoy their lunch in the newly nice weather.

“You know, to be an Alpha, you have no sense of patience,” Jimin laughed.

“And for you to be an Omega, you have no sense of loyalty to your best friend,” Taehyung pouted.

“Oh God, he’s pulling out the pouts,” Jimin groaned playfully. “If you’re so impatient about not being able to know who’s participating in the Ceremony beforehand, then why are you even doing it?”

The Mating Ceremony was an age old tradition in Taehyung’s pack that occurred every year, right at the start of the Spring Festival. For people who still believed in soulmates, the Mating Ceremony was an unbiased opportunity for those people to find the one that their soul desired. The Omegas and Betas would gather together, with their faces hidden, and it was up to an Alpha to use only their sense of smell to find the scent that they liked the most. 

Of course, a lot of people felt that scents weren’t the only important thing when it came to building the foundation of a relationship as time has passed but it was still an honored and revered tradition nonetheless. 

“Besides the fact that literally everyone that I know has found their mate during the Ceremony?” Taehyung huffed. “The fact that I’m almost 26 years old and haven’t found my mate yet.”

“Oh please, you say that as if you’re old and if you’re old, then I’m old,” Jimin said as he rolled his eyes. “And I’m definitely not old.”

“Well, you say that because you’re not alone,” Taehyung pointed out. “My parents found each other 27 years ago, Yoongi hyung found you three years ago, Joon hyung found Aareum the year before that, and hell, even Jin hyung found Jungkookie last year. Too long, didn’t read, I’m gonna die alone if I don’t do it.”

“I feel so bad for your future mate because you are so fucking dramatic,” Jimin laughed as he reached over and stole a French fry off of Taehyung’s plate.

“You’d have time to warn them if you’d just tell me who’s joining this year,” Taehyung tried to persuade him. “Come on, what’s the point in having the Head Omega as your best friend if he doesn’t supply you with useful information?”

“Oh, and here I was thinking that I was your bestfriend because I’m your platonic soulmate,” Jimin scoffed. “Look Tae, the entire point of the Mating Ceremony is to let your heart and your nose do the deciding for you. If I tell you who’s participating and who’s not, it’ll cloud your judgement and then the whole thing will be moot.”

“Ugh, fine Mr. “I wanna be ethical”,” Taehyung sighed as he stood up from the table. “I gotta go and finish up my gift for the Ceremony so I’ll see you later.”

“See you later, Pouty Pants,” Jimin giggled as he waved his hand and Taehyung began to walk around the territory. He wasn’t lying when he said that he needed to go finish working on his courting gift, but he figured that it wouldn’t hurt to take a walk around the pack’s territory before he did.

Taehyung’s pack was pretty tight knit, though it was considered to be considerably larger than the other surrounding packs. Even though Taehyung’s family weren’t the ones who founded the pack, his great-great-grandfather was one of the first members to join the pack so Taehyung‘s family line literally had stakes in the very beginning of the pack. 

Growing up, Taehyung had been pretty well known around the pack but after he presented as an Alpha, it was as if he were a celebrity. Every unmated Alpha, Beta, and Omega seemed to be after him and admittedly, he had enjoyed the attention for the last few years but now, he was ready to find his mate, settle down, and start a family.

Just as Taehyung walked around the corner that separated the school building and the doctor’s house, he collided with a figure that had literally rushed into him. 

“Hey!” Taehyung yelped, gasping when the papers that the person had been holding fell down onto the ground. 

“Oh my gosh,” you whispered, bending down and beginning to pick the papers up. Taehyung bent down as well, helping when he realized who you were.

“Y/N?” He called and you looked up at him, your eyes widening when you realize who he was.

“Oh Taehyung, I’m so sorry,” you apologized, bowing your head to him.

“No no no, it’s ok. Don’t worry about it,” he assured you. “Just let me help you with these.”

“I already ran into you, you don’t have to,” you tried to say but Taehyung just cut you off.

“I want to,” he chuckled and you just decided to let it go as the two of you finished picking up all of the fallen papers. Once you were both done, you stood up straight and Taehyung handed the small stack of papers that he had collected over to you. 

“So, where were you off to that has you in such a rush?” Taehyung wondered with a smile. 

“Well, uh, the start of Spring marks the halfway point in the second half of the schoolyear for the pups so I was in a rush to get their progress reports finished,” you explained and Taehyung couldn’t help but to smile at how shy you still seemed to be around him. 

The two of you knew of each other from around the pack and you went to school together, being as though the two of you were born in the same year. Because of that, you both had a lot of mutual friends but the two of you never hung out much because you were really shy and seemed almost scared of Taehyung so he always made sure to give you your space. 

“Ah, you do work in the school building,” he chuckled.

“With the seven to nine year olds,” you smiled. 

“I remember, I remember,” he nodded. “Well, besides that, how are you?”

“Good, good,” you replied. “Busy as ever this time of year, but good. How about yourself?”

“I’m good, just preparing for the Spring Festival, ” he told her. 

“Oh, are you doing the Mating Ceremony this year?” You asked and he nodded his head. 

“Are you?”

“I’ve never done it before and I don’t think I’ll start now,” you giggled. “It’s not really my thing.”

“What, finding your soulmate isn’t your thing?” Taehyung teased.

“No, I meant that not being picked by anyone wouldn’t be my thing,” you clarified. 

“Oh please, somebody would definitely choose you,” Taehyung said. “I know that we don’t talk much but anyone can see that you’re a good woman and a great Omega. I bet that any Alpha would be proud to have you be their mate.”

“Oh,” you uttered in surprise, and Taehyung couldn’t help but to feel a little sense of pride at how flustered he had made you. “T-Thank you Taehyung.”

“You’re welcome,” he grinned. 

“W-Well, I have to go,” you murmured. “See you around?”

“Yeah, see you,” Taehyung agreed but he didn’t know if you’d even heard him because you were already walking, almost running, away from him.

.....................................

Even though the Spring Fest was being held during the first week of April, Taehyung had made the decision that he’d be participating back in December of the previous year and this was because he wanted to make sure he had enough time to prepare his courting gift. A courting gift would show his future mate that he was serious about them so it took Taehyung a lot of thought to decide what he wanted to give his future mate. In the end though, it was actually Taehyung’s mother who helped him. 

He off-handedly mentioned that he was trying to figure out a gift and she ended up giving him his great-grandmother’s engagement ring. It was a ruby that sat on a nest of gold diamonds, with a gold band to accompany it. Taehyung was familiar with it because it was a family heirloom and he was so honored that his mother trusted him with it. 

When the first day of the Spring Fest arrived, Taehyung made sure that the ring box was nestled safely in the pocket of his slacks before he checked his appearance in the mirror. Wanting to look his best, he settled on a button up dress shirt that was a deep maroon color and paired it with black slacks. He added a few simple accessories like a few rings on both hands and earrings but he skipped any necklaces or bracelets, wanting to makes sure that nothing would get in the way of someone being able to smell his scent. 

“Let’s go find our mate,” Taehyung whispered to himself, making sure to fix his hair one last time before hurrying up and rushing out of the front door of his house. 

The Mating Ceremony was to be held in the large flower garden that was towards the back of the pack’s territory. The logic behind it was that finding your soulmate amongst beautiful things would help your relationship with said soulmate be beautiful as well. 

When Taehyung got there, he immediately spotted Jin and Jungkook sitting together on a bench so he walked over to them. 

“Hi Tae hyung!” Jungkook greeted him happily. 

“Hi,” Taehyung replied. “You guys came for moral support?”

“You know it,” Jin nodded. “You look really good Tae-ah.”

“Ready to find your soulmate?” Jungkook wondered.

“Thank you, and hopefully,” Taehyung sighed heavily. “I’m so nervous.”

“Don’t worry hyung, all you have to do is trust your nose,” Jungkook told him. 

“Kook’s right, you know our senses will never purposefully lead us wrong,” Jin added. 

“Thanks for the advice guys,” Taehyung chuckled, reaching out and ruffling Jungkook’s hair a little. Suddenly, a voice erupted over the loud speakers that had been placed around the garden. 

“The Mating Ceremony is about to commence,” the voice that Taehyung recognized as Jimin announced. “If you are offering a gift, please get into position.”

“Well, that’s my cue,” Taehyung said.

“Relax and don’t worry,” Jin advised him. “Just...let it happen.”

“Ok,” Taehyung nodded before turning around and walking over to a large wall of white roses. Falling into line with several other Alphas and Betas who were also participating in the Ceremony, he waited with baited breath as another line of Omegas and Betas stepped into the garden and walked over to stand right in front of the wall of roses. 

Every Omega or Beta had a veil or mask over their face so that they couldn’t be seen, and their own choice of outfit but most of them were dressed pretty formally, just like Taehyung was. 

“Alphas and Betas who are presenting gifts, you know the rules,” Jimin spoke up again. “No sneaking a peek at anybody until you offer them your gift and they actually accept it, no trying to force your gift upon anyone who makes it clear that they do not want it, and trust your instincts! Happy finding!”

Taehyung then closed his eyes, taking a deep inhale in order to smell the air around him. He picked up a few scents here and there, with hints of chocolate and mint but none of them especially stuck out to them. He then opened his eyes and they slightly widened when he saw some of the Alphas and Betas already offering gifts to some of the Betas and Omegas who had been waiting. He had to admit, it kind of shocked him because it was seemingly so simple for them but not for him. Deciding to follow everyone’s advice and trust his senses, he shut his eyes again and took another deep breath it, and that was when he smelled it.

The initial wave that hit his nose was reminiscent of tangerines, and then that was mixed with the scent of berries that seemed to almost intermingle with the tangerine scent. Those were two very typical scents, especially for Omegas, but what really caught Taehyung’s attention was the scent of pink champagne. It was something that he had never smelt in a scent before and before he could even realize it, he was moving towards the source of the scent.

When he realized that he had stepped up to the person that the scent belonged to, he took a second to look over them. It seemed to be a woman, who had on a flowing white dress along with a small matching white veil. Taehyung reached out and extended his wrist towards their nose for them to be able to smell his scent clearly and when the woman let out an appreciative hum, Taehyung’s heart clenched because this was it. He had found the one. 

Taehyung reached into his pocket and took out the ring box, extending it towards the woman. The woman then reached out and took the box from it, a soft giggle coming from her as she did so.

“Thank you,” the woman said and Taehyung’s eyes widened because he recognized the voice, he just couldn’t remember where from. When the woman reached up and lifted the veil back from her face, Taehyung wanted to kick himself for not immediately recognizing who the voice came from. 

“Hi,” you smiled. 

.....................................

“I cannot believe that I didn’t know that it was you,” Taehyung huffed.

“Well, that’s kind of the point Taehyung,” you giggled from your spot on his bed. After the ceremony had ended, Taehyung invited you back to his house so that the two of you could have some alone time.

“I just didn’t expect this,” he said as he sat down next to you.

“Are you...upset that I’m your mate?” You asked wearily and Taehyung immediately shook his head.

“No!” He exclaimed. “Even though we don’t talk much, I know that you’re amazing. Hell, Jungkook raves about you all the time. I also meant what I said the other day.”

“W-Well, that’s good,” you replied shyly. “By the way, I’m sorry for not talking to you much over the years.”

“Ah, don’t worry about it,” he shrugged. “I just figured that you were shy and I don’t mind that.”

“It wasn’t shyness, though,” you blurted and his eyebrows rose. 

“Really?”

“The truth is, I’ve had a crush on you since you presented,” you confessed. 

“Y/N, that was almost 10 years ago,” he gasped in surprise. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because I never thought that I had a chance,” You chuckled. “For years, every unmated Omega and Beta and even some Alphas have been after you. When you look at them and then look at me, I’m not as interesting or as beautiful when compared to them. I don’t know, I just don’t think that I measure up.”

“Hey, don’t say that,” Taehyung admonished you. “You’re gorgeous Y/N-ah, and the sweetest person I know.”

“Really?” You deadpanned.

“Absolutely,” he nodded. He could tell that you didn’t believe him though, so he decided to be honest. “You wanna know something?”

“Hmm?”

“I’ve had a crush on you too,” he admitted, making your eyes widen. “Not for as long as you have, but at least two years. I just never made a move because you seemed so shy around me and I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable because I figured that you just weren’t interested.”

“Seriously?” You gasped and he nodded. “We’re a big pair of idiots then, huh?”

“Definitely,” he laughed as he reached over and grabbed both of your hands in his. “It’s a good thing that we both decided to participate in the Ceremony then, huh?”

“Another confession? I only joined because I was hoping that my Omega would be able to say to your Alpha what I’ve never been able to bring myself to say aloud,” you told him. 

“And what is that?”

“That I want to be with you, Kim Taehyung,” you replied. Taehyung felt his Alpha preen at your confession and it wasn’t that Taehyung had doubted the validity of the Ceremony but actually being able to feel the connection between the two of you only solidified everything for him.

“I want to be with you too Y/N L/N,” he smiled. “Can I kiss you?”

“Please,” you giggled and Taehyung let go of your hands to set his hands on your cheeks, leaning forward and pressing his lips to yours. The kiss began soft at first, the both of you feeling a little nervous since this whole thing was so new.

It wasn’t until you laid back on the bed, pulling Taehyung down along with you that the two of you became more comfortable, you opening your mouth and allowing his tongue to slide against yours. Taehyung set his hand on your thigh, gently tracing random shapes with his fingertips as you kissed each other passionately.

“Y/N, I have to ask you something,” he murmured and you pulled away from his lips to look up at him. 

“What is it?”

“Are you a virgin?” He wondered and you felt your cheeks warm up immediately. “I’m not trying to be intrusive or anything, I just want to know so that I can gauge how comfortable you are.”

“Do you remember when I dated Xiumin?” You asked him and he rolled his eyes.

“That dickhead? Yeah,” he huffed.

“I lost my virginity to him.”

“Well, I can’t say that I’m in love with that piece of information,” he admitted.

“I only dated him because I was trying to get over you, which sounds really bad when I say it out loud,” you laughed. “That was around the same time that you were dating Jisoo.”

“Ah,” he said as he set his fingertips over your lips to silence you. “We don’t mention that forbidden name.”

“Ok, sorry,” you giggled. 

“So, if I told you that I want to have sex with you tonight,” Taehyung began, making your lower half clench around nothing. “Would you want to?”

“Yes,” you rushed out. “I want to.”

“Good, because I want to too,” he smiled before leaning down and kissing you again. You moaned into his mouth when he moved over so that he was on top of you, his lips never leaving yours as he did so. He then trailed his lips downwards, licking and sucking on the skin of your neck. 

“Ohh,” you sighed in pleasure, reaching down and tangling your fingers in his hair. Taehyung pulled away and reached up to grab your hands, untangling them from his hair and holding your wrists firmly when he placed them back down on the bed above your head, holding them there. 

“You keep these here for me, ok?” He asked and you could tell from his tone that he was both asking for permission and clarification. 

“Ok,” you whispered and he smiled. 

“Perfect Omega,” he murmured as he went back to kissing your neck and you had to clasp your hands together because you were too tempted to reach down and touch him again. After he had left a few marks on your neck, he brought his hands up and grabbed onto your breasts which made you gasp.

“As beautiful as this dress is Y/N-ah, I think we should take it off now. Yeah?” Taehyung suggested and you nodded your head rapidly. He moved off of you so that you could sit up and he moved around the bed on his knees so that he was behind you. He reached out and pulled down the zipper on your dress, and you reached up and pulled the dress down off of your shoulders. Once your arms were out of it, you got up onto your knees and pushed it down your legs and onto the floor. 

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous Y/N-ah,” he muttered huskily as he took in the sight of you in your stark white bralette and white lace panties. Your Omega preened at his praise, making your cheeks warm up.

“Really?”

“Really,” he smiled, moving back around your body and leaning down so that he was face to face with your breasts as he reached out to grab ahold of them. “I’m so fucking lucky.”

“I’m the lucky one,” you whispered as he pulled the material of the bralette to the side, causing both of your breasts to fall out. Without another word, he leaned forward and sucked your nipple into his mouth. You couldn’t help but to fall back on the bed, Taehyung falling along without a problem and not letting up on the onslaught that was his tongue.

Once your nipple had stiffened to a peak, he switched over to your other nipple and gave it the same treatment. You could smell your scent from in between your thighs, the notes of berries and pink champagne becoming stronger and stronger the wetter you became. 

You knew Taehyung could smell you too, because you could feel the outline of his hard cock against your inner thigh. 

“Fuck, Alpha,” you whimpered. “Wanna suck you off.”

“Whatever you want baby,” he agreed easily after pulling his mouth away from you, sitting up and reaching down to unbutton his slacks. You sat up, watching with hooded eyes as he unzipped them, pushing them down a little bit so that he was able to pull out his cock and your mouth literally watered at the sight of it. 

Taehyung’s cock wasn’t enormous, but it was definitely longer than average and it looked to be thick. You reached out and wrapped both of your hands around his length, and you felt yourself become wetter when you realized that you couldn’t even wrap your hands around him completely.

“Fuck, I can smell you baby,” he grumbled and you moaned softly at the pet name. “Do you like what you see?”

“Mmhm,” you nodded, leaning forward and wrapping your lips around the head of his cock. He exhaled harshly, looking down to watch as you did your best to take as much of him in your mouth as possible. You actually managed to do pretty good, doing your best to breathe through your nose as you sunk down closer and closer to the base of his cock. 

“Oh fuck,” he huffed. “Such a good girl, taking Alpha’s cock down your throat.” Bringing your hands back up, you stacked both of them on top of each other as you jerked him off while suckling on the head of his cock. 

“God, that feels good. Makes me want to fuck your throat,” he grumbled. “You gonna let me do that one day baby? Gonna let Alpha use your mouth?”

“Mmm, yes Alpha,” you gasped after releasing him from your mouth, your spit acting as lube as you continued to jerk him off. 

“Fuck, lay down for me,” he instructed you. “I have to taste you.” You didn’t hesitate to follow his instructions, laying back on the bed and resting on your forearms as you watched him push his slacks and boxers down and off his legs before he moved onto unbuttoning his shirt. 

He wasn’t overly muscular but you could still see the outline of what would be a six-pack, and your inner Omega loved the fact that your Alpha would be able to protect you if need be. 

Taehyung laid down on his front in between your legs, pulling your panties to the side before leaning forward and licking a stripe up your pussy, from your slit up to your clit. You gasped, your thighs involuntarily coming to together but Taehyung’s hands came up to push them back down. 

“Be still and let me make you come baby,” he whispered and you nodded numbly. He then went back to licking at you, making you whine and squirm underneath him. 

“Huh, holy shit,” you gasped, your chest beginning to move up and down quickly as your orgasm approached you. “Please don’t stop Tae.”

“Mmm,” he moaned against you, shaking his head back and forth over your clit which made his tongue do the same. 

“Do that again,” you requested and he obliged you, shaking his head back and forth rapidly and you felt your orgasm winding to it’s end in your abdomen. “Fuck yes, I’m gonna come.” Your head fell back onto the bed and just as you closed your eyes and felt yourself about to tip over the edge into ecstasy, Taehyung pulled away from you. 

“What?” You whimpered as you opened your eyes, looking down at him. 

“I want you to come on my knot,” he told you. He reached out and grabbed the band of your panties, pulling them down your legs and throwing them onto the floor. He then settled himself in between your thighs, leaning down and letting his cock rub against your clit. 

“If you want me to come on your knot, you shouldn’t do that,” you whimpered.

“You could come like this?” He wondered in awe and you nodded your head. “We’re gonna have to test that out one day.”

“We have the rest of our lives for that,” you promised him. 

“You got that right,” he smiled, moving his hips so that he could slide inside of you. You wrapped your legs around his waist, your hands gripping onto his arms as he slowly opened you up. 

“Fuh, fuck,” you stuttered, your eyes fluttering closed at how good he felt inside of you, stretching you out in the best way.

“God, you’re so tight but you’re opening up so well for me baby,” Taehyung grunted, making sure to push his hips as close to yours as he could so that he could go as deep as possible. “You really are my mate, huh?”

“Yes,” you whispered, your mind barely being able to comprehend his words because the feeling of being completely and utterly clouded all of your senses. He continued to roll his hips against yours, his cock dragging against your walls as he did. 

“You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this, how much I’ve thought about this,” he muttered. “I’d see you walking around the territory all shy, keeping your eyes low so that people wouldn’t approach you and all I could think about was that you were the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and how much I wanted to fuck you with my knot.”

“Mmm, knot,” you slurred, making Taehyung smile because of course knot was the word that you caught. 

“I’d watch you with the pups, teaching them and being so gentle and patient with them and my only thought would be about how I wanted to fuck some pups of my own into you so that you could be their mother,” he groaned, his hips stuttering slightly when he felt your walls clench around him like a vice grip. “Oh, you want that? Want Alpha to give you some pups?”

“Fuck yes,” you moaned wantonly, moving your own hips so that you were fucking back onto him. “Want your cum, want a pup.”

“I’ll give it to you baby,” he swore as he began to fuck you faster. “Alpha will give you anything you want.”

“W-want you,” you whined as you felt your orgasm quickly building back up again. 

“You have me baby,” he chuckled deeply. “You always have, I think.”

“A-alpha, g-gonna c-c-come,” you managed to utter as your body moved up and down the bed, the force of Taehyung fucking you literally moving you on the bed. 

“Go ahead so that I can knot you gorgeous,” he encouraged you. You reached down and set your fingertips on your clit, only managing to make two circles on it before you were coming. Your thighs spasmed and clutched around Taehyung’s waist, the rest of your body shaking on the bed from how forceful your orgasm was. 

“T-Tae,” you whimpered, your body shivering even after the crest of your orgasm had passed. Taehyung leaned down, pressing soft kisses against your face that were in stark contrast to how he was still fucking you. 

“So good for me baby,” he whispered. “Came so prettily for me.”

“Kiss me,” you pleaded weakly and he just smiled at you before pressing his lips against yours. The force coming from how hard he was thrusting into you caused your mouth to fall open and Taehyung didn’t hesitate to stick his tongue inside, exploring around.

You literally felt his cock pulse inside of you and before you could pull away in order to ask, ropes of his cum flooded into you. His knot inflated immediately afterwards, making you moan as it forced its’ way inside of you. 

“Holy shit Y/N-ah,” he panted as he hid his face in your neck, collapsing on top of you. “I don’t think I’ve ever come so hard in my life.”

“Me either,” you admitted with a giggle. “I loved it though.”

“Me too,” he muttered as he pulled himself up so that he could look down at you. “I know this is probably a weird thing to ask given what we just got finished doing, but you accept the fact that you’re my mate right?”

“Tae, of course,” you smiled. “My Omega would hate me if I rejected you and you know our wolf side doesn’t lie.”

“I guess I just wanted to know if it was as strong for you as it was for me,” he mumbled and you placed your hands on his cheeks, making him look down at you. 

“You’re my mate Kim Taehyung,” you told him. “I knew it and felt it the moment that you gave me your wrist and I smelled your scent.”

“I knew it too,” he smiled. “I’ll give you your bite in the morning, I’m just too tired right now.”

“No complaints from me,” you laughed. “Coming so hard can definitely take a lot out of a person.” Taehyung then laid his head down on your chest and you reached up, setting your hands in his hair as you began to play with the sweaty strands.

“I’m so glad that my Alpha chose you,” he muttered sleepily and you could feel the goofy smile spread onto your face before you leaned down and kissed the top of his head. 

“Me too Tae,” you sighed in contentment. “Me too.”

[literaryobsession]

a king without a crown || xiao x fem!reader

summary: eternally bachelor xiao, the sole heir and son, decides to get married to save the family name

word count: 2179

chapters: i , ii , iii , v ,  vi ,  vii , epilogue

iv

Xiao was staring at his hands, reliving the moment yesterday night. He didn't know what he expected about you, he didn't know what he expected about himself.

You seem like a perfectly kind girl, a good one who deserves someone else who would love you as much as his father loved his mother and not someone who would simply marry you for his personal gains.

But he would soon be the head of his household. His sisters' potential marriages would soon rely on their name and their wealth, it would not be enough to bear a title and have nothing to show for it.

"You've been staring at your hand for a while, Xiao." Chongyun stood beside him, looking at his hand as well, "Are you looking for symptoms of illness? Or simply looking at the goosebumps given to you by this estate's ghostly apparition?"

"No no, tell me Chongyun, you're a good friend, are you not?"

Chongyun went quiet for a few seconds, "I'd like to think so, yes."

"Is this a good decision? To go after a woman for my own selfish gains?" Xiao needed answers before he proceeds. He was torn.

"Marriages are usually for personal gains, is it not? Power, wealth, social climbing, all of those things come with marriage so I'd hardly believe yours is selfish. It is a norm." Chongyun had a more realistic view of everything. He was an observer, rarely sharing his own insights about matters but when he does, he is rational about things. "You have responsibilities as the future duke. Anyone you wish to marry must bear the responsibilities you have, that are expected of them."

They stood before Lady Ei's vast garden. The scenery calmed Xiao, reminding him of home.

"I don't think you'll be a bad match for Lady Y/N. Perhaps maybe you settle the matter with her if time permits." Chongyun hummed before nodding. "Yes, perhaps you can do that. In the meantime, see if she will be a good addition to your family or if she will even be a good duchess to Liyue. Maybe you won't like her. We do not know just yet."

"Or maybe she won't even take interest in me." Xiao mumbled which Chongyun caught, the other gentleman raised a questioning eyebrow, "There is still that option of course! I have to take her decision into consideration."

"That is true. Well, we'll simply see how things go, won't we?" Chongyun gave Xiao a pat on the back before turning around back to the house.

Yes, we shall see.

"What?"

"Drifting away in a far-off place again, Lady Y/N?" Katheryne poured you tea. You were doing some embroidery in the drawing room and she came by to see your progress, "I was asking if you see where you went wrong in your needlework. Your thread is already so jumbled up. Would you wish to start again?"

You huffed before giving the stitch hoop for Katheryne to remedy for you. "I am not made for this, Katheryne, you know that. My fingers are clumsy and I get impatient, can't I simply do something else?"

Katheryne sat down beside you and got started on your ruined work, "And what do you wish on doing, my lady?"

"I don't know. Something much different than this! Perhaps..." You tried to dig in your brain for answers and the only thing you could get was the conversation you had last night, "Maybe I can travel!"

"Travel?" Katheryne's surprised eyes met yours.

"Yes, Katheryne, travel! I would like to see the world." Thinking about the mountains and the flowers that the gentleman described to you excited your spirit, "We can start in Liyue!"

"Liyue? Is it because of the handsome gentleman last night, Lady Y/N?" There was obvious teasing in Katheryne's voice, trust her to know everything happening in the city.

"He may simply be a factor, Katheryne. Don't look at me like that, you've always known how much I want to explore.."

Katheryne cut the thread before responding, "Explore hobbies, my lady. I did not know you wish to explore other lands." She faced you and took your hand in hers, Katheryne has been your friend for the longest time. She often acted as your mother, watching over you and teaching you all she knows. "The queen would wish for your happiness, that is why she wants you to indulge in the season, to find someone to marry. Maybe you can find a man who can take you to places."

"Should I really be with a man?" You were frustrated but you knew your duties and responsibilities. You were prepared to be married off to a gentleman of good standing since you would not be inheriting the throne anyway.

Before your father died, he relinquished his titles and wished nothing of it for you and your family. But he got sick, and soon after, your mother did too. The queen took you in, she had other siblings but she wanted to care for you and has been taking care of you ever since. She wanted to return your father's title to you, but she respected his wishes and transferred everything to Ei, their sister.

"You don't have to get married if you're not ready, my lady. However, wouldn't it be beautiful to explore the world with the person you chose by your side?" Katheryne had much more romantic views on love, and the scandals in court haven't distorted that idea for her. "I would love to see you in that kind of life."

"We'll see " You stood up and took an invitation from your vanity, "Shall we prepare for my aunt's ball?"

"Of course."

The entire estate was dressed up in lights and lavish decoration, no expense was spared as Lady Ei hosted that night's ball. She has always hosted one per season and this event is one of the most-awaited, it is not every day the estate is open for everyone to be. There was music, live singing, and an array of the beautiful desserts Lady Ei is known to indulge in.

Mothers of different social standing clamor for an invite to this prestigious ball, but not everyone gets in. Lady Ei picks from the long list of ladies and gentlemen, sending out an invite a day before. The invites, albeit short notice, are always received positively and all those invited prepare immediately.

"I have invited the most educated of ladies, the ones I know have good backgrounds and families." Lady Ei told to her three guests, "I sincerely hope you find who you're looking for." Then with a glimmer in her eye, she told Xiao, "Perhaps you have already found her, and simply need an opportunity to woo her. Take this as a sign to do so."

Lady Ei made certain that Xiao be free whenever you arrive and he was when you spotted him talking to your aunt, laughing with that beautiful lips of his. You grabbed unto Katheryne’s hand as you walked in, all heads turning at your presence.

“Is there anything wrong, my lady?” Katheryne whispered to you.

You took a deep breath, sending kind smiles to all who offered you theirs. “Hold me, Katheryn, I feel a faint coming along.” You replied quietly.

“Do you wish to leave?”

“No no. I’m fine.” You then put on your practiced smile on your face when you approached the pair. Xiao stood in attention and you giggled softly, “At ease, Lord Xiao. Hello Princess-- I mean, Lady Ei.” The woman did not want to be addressed as royalty, “The ball looks exquisite. The queen sends her regards, she hoped she could be here but she’s simply too busy to leave her study.”

“That woman really needs to take a rest.” Lady Ei shook her head at the statement. This is why she always thought her sister would be better off the queen than her. “Well, my dearest niece, Lord Xiao, and I were just talking about you. I told him you play the pianoforte,” Then she turned to Xiao, “She plays like an angel.”

“Perhaps I would be given the chance to listen to you.” The gentleman before you gave you a smile, “Perhaps you would also give me the opportunity to have your first dance tonight?” He offered you a hand. 

What was that feeling that made his heart jump somehow when he saw you enter, he thought quietly to himself. Was it simply because he’d have an opportunity to be with you? To simply be with you and not just for his problem? 

But you looked so ethereal in your gown - perhaps he could send his heartfelt thanks to your modiste for creating such an amazing work of art. How can he deny that? 

Your eyes went towards his hand, your heart beating loudly in your ear. The feeling he is stirring in you confused you and it made you so speechless that you didn’t manage to reply, you simply took his hand and followed him to the floor.

“You look particularly beautiful tonight, gold suits you.” He commented as he led you to the dance that your feet remember from all the dance practices you spent years perfecting. “After this, my lady, would you also prefer to escort me for a walk? Permitted your lady-in-waiting would like to tag along?”

He knew the rules and respected them, you’ll give him that. His dance skills were also quite amazing for a gentleman, the others you’ve danced with seemed too stiff. He was quite gentle too, his touch left goosebumps on your skin.

Curious. Too curious.

“I’d inform her but I would love to. Granted you tell me about your sisters.” 

“Your wish, my command.”

The lights were pretty outside of Lady Ei’s estate. There were still plenty of guests promenading, some with friends and the others with prospects. Katheryne was following close behind but still keeping a distance between you and Xiao, it felt a little more private and intimate. You have never really been alone with a man before, much less one you found attractive.

“My sisters are basically two sides of a coin. They’re both younger than me but are both smarter. The oldest one is Ganyu. Ganyu is every bit of a lady that my mother was, they’re both soft-spoken, both graceful, both knowledgeable in the arts... Ganyu handles the household ever since my mother died.” Xiao walked beside you, matching your slower pace.

“I’m sorry,” You murmur upon hearing it.

Xiao nodded and carried on with his story, “My youngest sister is Hu Tao. She’s the complete opposite of Ganyu as she’s quite energetic. She flies to wherever the wind takes her and most often than not, she ends up in the nearby meadows.” He chuckled, seeing the image in his mind’s eye, “She fills the world with light, that’s probably why she’s my father’s favorite.”

“They sound lovely. What about you, Lord Xiao? Tell me about you.” You nudged him.

He laughed, “What is there to tell about me? I am the least interesting person in the family. How about you guess and I’ll tell you if you’re correct or not.” Xiao’s warmth was distracting you too much from the chill in the air.

“Alright. I already know that you’ll inherit your father’s title and responsibilities. You’re the oldest of three. You came to the city looking for a wife.” You raised your fingers as if ticking off checkboxes.

“Is that an assumption or are you stating that I am looking for a wife?” He stopped talking and faced you. The soft golden lights from the garden didn’t help your already pacing heart, Xiao’s features looked stunning. You can’t believe a man like him truly existed.

You sent him a teasing grin, challenging him to disagree, “That is an assumption, sir. Dare you say I’m incorrect?” 

“Perhaps, if you’ll accept me.” There it was again, those words that made your nerves jump and jumble up! Xiao took one of your free hands, brought it up, and kissed it, you felt goosebumps running up your arm as he did so, “But you would be correct.”

“Oh,” You pulled your hand back and rolled your eyes. You really have to act like it didn’t bother you! “You flatter me, my lord. Surely you would not have a woman you’ve only known for a day!”

“You’re correct again.” He nodded. 

Unbeknownst to you, his heart was also pacing rather quickly in his chest. It was true that you have known each other for an entire day but he would never deny he was charmed by you, taken completely from the moment your eyes met his. He was still torn by his feelings, wondering if it was simply his need to provide a solution for his family’s needs.

Or perhaps everything was falling into place for him.

“My lady, I have my entire life to get to know you. Surely you would agree that if you manage to catch a falling star, you wouldn’t want to let it go.” 

tagging: @macaroniwiththechickenstripz , @scaraslover

[aphrostarot]

The Chariot Pick a Pile

How can you know if this pick a pile is for you?

If you know what your goals are but don't understand how to reach them.

If you need help creating a path from where you are to where you want to be.

Please remember that this is a general reading and some things may not apply to you. Don't force it to fit. I offer paid readings on my page if you would like a personal reading. Prices are listed there. Please message me if you are interested!

Pile One (Amethyst):

Charioteer:

What is the current state of your journey?

The Wheel of Fortune:

In your journey so far, you have experienced many ups and downs. Currently, it appears you are at a low point. You have been struggling lately, and you feel like you will never reach the end of the road.

Two of Swords:

The Two of Swords confirms to me that you have been struggling lately. Nothing seems to be coming your way anymore. As of recently, you are at a standstill on this journey, after previously moving extremely fast. Nothing is coming and nothing is going, making you feel as though you will never reach your destination.

Dark Horse:

What is distracting you?

The Chariot:

The idea that you need to constantly be moving forward without any breaks on this journey is distracting you, according to your guides. As your guides tell you, this mindset is keeping you in the stalemate you are currently experiencing. Breaks are necessary from time to time, and after the run you have been on, it is a good idea to take a break.

Ten of Cups:

There is a part of you that thinks this journey will lead to your fairytale ending, but your guides are telling you here that the destination may not be everything you expected. Whether it's a different person or a different job, your guides are telling you with this card what they have in store for you is in your best interest, so you need to release your control issues and trust them.

Light Horse:

What leads you to your desired goal?

The Tower:

Your guides will help you reach your desired goal if you lose your mindset from above. You must let go of the idea that you know exactly where things are going, since not everything you are desiring is in your best interest according to your guides. Additionally, you need to let go of your impatience and the notion that you must not take breaks, that this destination must be reached as quickly as possible.

Page of Swords:

You have been led towards your destination by your cleverness and intelligence, according to your guides. They are saying that you can remain sharp no matter what the Universe throws at you. They want you to use this part of you to further yourself on this journey from now on.

Channeled compliments from your guides on what is helping you in this journey:

“You are so trustworthy! Anyone knows they can count on you.”

“You are so smart and witty, always knowing what to say.”

Next Step:

What is the next thing you should work on?

Knight of Pentacles:

The next step on your journey is to develop patience, according to your guides. Since you have started your journey, you have been fairly impatient and anxious for things to come your way as soon as possible. This mindset only hinders your progress, as it was mentioned above. The key to escaping your current impasse is patience.

Obstacle:

What challenges will you face on this journey?

Three of Cups:

Your inability to slow down has prevented you from celebrating how far you have come on your journey. As your guides point out, if you don't celebrate yourself, you are not truly experiencing this journey.

Destination:

What will your destination look like?

Three of Wands:

At the end of this journey, you will have a large community around you. You may soon take up a hobby that allows you to work in a team. You will be very successful in this hobby and feel very happy with the people in your life. In this group, you'll be very social. You'll constantly go out and do things with them.

Page of Cups:

The end of this journey will bring you a highly sensitive person. They might be younger than you or just a young soul. This person will become an extremely important part of your life, allowing you to express yourself more sensitively without fear of judgment.

Channeled Messages:

“Move beyond ancestral patterns”

“Magic exists in the form of energy. What is your energy creating today? How does it make you feel?”

Pile Two (Amazonite):

Charioteer:

What is the current state of your journey?

The Fool:

You may be in the beginning stages of your journey. You have just found something that you are willing to put a lot of effort into. Having a strong passion for this journey, you are eager to dive in headfirst, without looking back.

Ace of Pentacles:

By embarking on this journey, you are laying the foundation in your life. As a result, you will start to feel comfortable in every aspect of your life. I feel that you are embarking on a new hobby or career, something that will earn you money. The income has not started to flow yet, but you're just beginning your journey. You hope that more money will be forthcoming soon.

Dark Horse:

What is distracting you?

Eight of Pentacles:

You are very sure of where you want to go in life and how you want this journey to play out. Making you unwilling to accept anything that is even remotely different from what you desire. This mindset is preventing you from making progress on your journey, according to your guides. In order to make progress, you must recognize that not everything you desire is good for you.

Six of Wands:

When it comes to your career or hobbies, you may think you're more talented than others. Your guides are warning you that your arrogance is only hindering your progress on this journey.

Light Horse:

What leads you to your desired goal?

Knight of Wands:

You have great enthusiasm when it comes to things that you are passionate about, and you are very passionate about this journey. Your guides are saying that your ability to move quickly and successfully through all that life offers you is what will bring this outcome to you much quicker.

Page of Wands:

Your guides say you are very friendly and full of amazing ideas, both of which are helping you on this journey. They encourage you to keep your friendly side because it will benefit you in the long run.

Channeled compliments from your guides on what is helping you in this journey:

“You are so magnetic and attractive! Everyone is turning heads after you!

“You are fierce like a lion! Everybody knows not to mess with you!”

“You have such great intuition, detecting the unseen truths.”

“You are so cute and bubbly, you make others feel like home.”

Next Step:

What is the next thing you should work on?

Seven of Pentacles:

When it comes to this journey, you have been pushing forward, channeling fool's energy for some time now and that has served you well for the time being. However, your guides are telling you that the next steps are for you to begin to plan how you want to execute this journey instead of leaping headfirst into everything.

Obstacle:

What challenges will you face on this journey?

Eight of Cups:

In most of your life, you have been too quick to give up at the first sign of difficulty. Throughout this journey, you will struggle with this. The world doesn't always work out how we planned, and that's a bummer, but we are meant to get back up and keep going, utilizing what we learned from the past. It is their desire that you do this instead of giving up when things get tough.

Destination:

What will your destination look like?

The Artist:

You may be an extremely creative person and this journey's outcome will allow you to use your creativity almost continuously. You are working towards a career and/or hobby that is highly creative and your guides are saying that once you get there it will allow you to utilize all of your creativity.

The Hierophant:

This is oddly specific but for some, I feel like you are working towards becoming a party planner of some sort, particularly at weddings. This is a sign that you will get there and be excellent at using your creativity when it comes to weddings.

For others, this may be a sign that the outcome of this journey may result in you getting married to either your current partner or someone else.

Channeled Messages:

“Unlock the magick within”

“You are our answered prayer.”

Pile Three (Sodalite):

Charioteer:

What is the current state of your journey?

Four of Pentacles:

Currently, you are feeling very possessive over certain things in your life. It feels to me like you think people in your life constantly take from you without giving any thought to the pain it causes you. You have a history of being very generous, but you are now becoming tired of making others happy all the time.

King of Cups:

Your emotions are what you are feeling pretty possessive about. You have been a doormat in the past, allowing others to walk all over you and take from you. Especially when it comes to your emotions and energy. But now you've realized it and you are no longer allowing others to take from you.

Dark Horse:

What is distracting you?

Eight of Pentacles:

You are pretty set in stone about how you want to embark on this journey. You believe your way is the only way, and you do not take advice from anyone, including your guides. It seems to me that you hear what your guides say, but if it interferes with your plans you ignore the message saying to yourself, "That wasn't meant for me." or, "they're wrong.". According to your guides, the way you think is holding you back from moving forward.

Seven of Wands:

With the people in your life, you have reached a boiling point. You've allowed them to walk all over you for too long and now you're fighting back. Your guides are telling you that being extremely negative to your family and friends will not help you on this journey. Yes, you should set boundaries, but you do not have to continue to punish them for what you have allowed in the past. The treatment you received in the past is partly your fault, and you need to take responsibility for it. Give the people in your life a chance to follow your boundaries. Stop punishing them.

Light Horse:

What leads you to your desired goal?

Queen of Cups:

Despite the negative points listed above, you are still a very loyal person. You do not give up on the people in your life, continuing to stick by them even though they have hurt you in the past. This is an aspect that has been helpful to you and will continue to be helpful to you on this journey.

Channeled compliments from your guides on what is helping you in this journey:

“Yes, you are different. But that’s what makes you special!”

“Your eyes are beautiful. You can see the universe in them.”

Next Step:

What is the next thing you should work on?

Five of Swords:

Perhaps you recently lost out to one of your competitors. If that's the case, then your guides are telling you that your next step is to get back on your feet and start fresh. Taking the loss in stride. If that has not yet happened to you, this card indicates that it will soon. The next step for you is to prepare for the loss you will soon be suffering and not let it completely defeat you.

Obstacle:

What challenges will you face on this journey?

Two of Cups:

An obstacle you have been facing on this journey is your willingness to stay in toxic relationships. In the past, people have not treated you right and stayed in those relationships because you feared making the other person upset. This has recently been changing for you, however.

Destination:

What will your destination look like?

The Hierophant:

With this journey, you will learn from your past mistakes and grow from the pain that you have endured, resulting in a better understanding of what a good relationship is. This will result in you marrying someone good for you and to you.

Ten of Cups:

A fairytale ending awaits you at the end of this journey. At the end of this journey, all the things you wanted as a child but as you grew thought were unreasonable will be available to you.

Channeled Messages:

“Meditate more, ground yourself.”

“Times of heightened emotions and sensitivity call for extra self-care and gentleness.”

Pile Four (Rose Quartz):

Charioteer:

What is the current state of your journey?

Page of Pentacles:

Lately, you have been pretty sensitive. Feeling more in touch with your emotions, which may have been neglected for some time now. You have been getting more comfortable showing and expressing your emotions with the people around you.

The Hierophant:

Additionally, you have been more traditional in your life, adhering to the expectations of society rather than going against them. While you may have spent most of your life rebelling against what others want from you, you have recently begun to accept what others want from you.

Dark Horse:

What is distracting you?

Eight of Cups:

Your recent behavior of adhering to the expectations of others has made you feel guilty. You feel as if you are leaving the people you met on the way behind, and you feel as if they are disappointed in you. Your guides are telling you that this guilt is preventing you from excelling on your journey. There are times when you have to leave people and things behind in order to excel yourself, and feeling guilty won't help you do so.

Nine of Wands:

You feel as if this journey has been going on forever, with no stop in sight. You feel as if you are being faced with obstacle after obstacle, and things are never going your way. This mindset is hindering you, your guides are saying. You must remember that not every journey is linear. There will be bumps in the road, but that doesn't mean that you will never reach your goal.

Light Horse:

What leads you to your desired goal?

The Fool:

In a way, you embody the Fool's passion, which is to dive headfirst into their passions and not think twice before jumping. You're always starting new projects and have a never-ending passion for new beginnings. This is what has been leading you towards your desired goal.

Ace of Swords:

You have very strong emotions especially when it comes to love and hate. When you love something or hate something, it encompasses your whole being. It is the love you have for your passions that helps you along this journey.

Channeled compliments from your guides on what is helping you in this journey:

“You are hilarious and have an amazing sense of humor!”

“You are such an inspiration! Everything you do is magical.”

“You are so trustworthy! Anyone knows they can count on you.”

Next Step:

What is the next thing you should work on?

Queen of Cups:

The next step in your journey is to strengthen your loyalty. As you go through life, you constantly change your mind about things and move on to new adventures. You get bored very easily. This pile is giving me strong Gemini energy. Because of your constant boredom, you struggle in the loyalty department, and your guides recommend you tackle this next. Whenever you become bored with one of your passions, try finding new things in that passion to keep yourself engaged.

Obstacle:

What challenges will you face on this journey?

Three of Cups:

In your journey, you tend to ignore red flags, thinking that they are only there to add flavor. You may also be afraid to rock the boat, which leads you to ignore warning signs. According to your guides, this mindset has hindered your progress.

Six of Cups:

It's not uncommon for toxic people from your past to try and get back in touch with you. When these people come back into your life, your guides are telling you not to accept them. They are not meant to be in your life. I am also getting strong Pisces and Cancer energy.

Destination:

What will your destination look like?

Ace of Cups:

If you are currently single, your guides are telling you that you will find new love at the end of this journey. If you are not single, this may be a sign that in the future you will be pregnant. In the event that this is not possible, then this new baby could be from a friend or family member. It is likely you will be extremely close to this baby, thinking of them as your own.

Four of Wands:

You will end up purchasing a new home with this person. Your new home will allow the two of you to live happily and healthily together. Your dream of a happy family life awaits you when you reach the end of this journey.

Channeled Messages:

“Get out of your own way! It’s upsetting me and your ancestors.”

“Follow the voice of your soul.”

Though tips are not required, they are very much appreciated. Thank you!

Venmo: @ aphrostarot

Paypal: paypal/aphrostarot