#trying not to have a panic attack fml

[mini-faust]

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[nyarlathotep-thecrawlingchaos]

Update Sept. 09 2024

There's a pretty solid chance my electricity is going to be shut off Monday.

I really don't know what to do.

There was supposed to be good news by now but stupid little complications keep coming up, between employee number not working and preventing pay from working, and DSS once again not releasing the welfare funds we were supposed to get this week.

If I disappear after Monday, that's why. I'm almost two hundred dollars short because the cost of electricity is so much higher this time of year (our bill literally went from 80 one month to almost 250 the next month).

If anyone is able to/wants to help, my ko-fi account is here, and once the employee number bullshit gets sorted out I'd be able to send the money straight back.

I don't expect anyone to be able to. Just reaching out since I'm out of options.

[begitalarcos]

Life Update

Hey Guys

I know I said I was coming back, and I fully intended to. Then I injured my back... badly

I ruptured a disc in my back on one of my lowest vertebrae and now have lost most of the feeling in my left leg :(

In the next week here I'm being scheduled for spinal surgery.

Strangely I'm doing okay. Since my last post a lot of things have gotten sorted (mostly family drama) which has taken a huge weight off of me. Then I fell on the stairs. I only fell down two steps but Ianded hard on my butt and then hit my back against the stair.

This was almost 2 months ago, and I was going to physio for it until my disability decided not to cover it. I was sent to an "Impartial" specialist who had the nerve to tell me that most of my pain was likely "Psychological" haven't had that kind of flippant disrespect about my health in awhile.

On the 30th of October I went to lay down for a nap, when I woke up just the act of sitting up left me in agony. My wonderful husband then spent the next few hours with me using hot and cold compresses and trying to help me get through the pain because the hospital said it was probably just sciatic pain... Halloween rolls around and I've lost all feeling in my left thigh.

I decided "FUCK IT" and went to emergency, where after a good 9 hours I finally saw a doctor who would take me seriously. And by that time my entire left thigh, part of my calf, and most of my back end and groin were completely numb. They took my sock off and my foot was grey. It was pretty scary.

The doctor there did a battery of tests for everthing he could think of, he did manage to get a bit of feeling back into my calf and foot with an injection. But everything else was still pins and needles. I had an MRI and well.. as you can see the lower disc was pushed so far out it was impinging on all the nerves to my left leg.

I spent Halloween and most of the next day in emergency. Had a lovely panic attack, got mildly sedated, there were no beds so I was stuck in a shitty recliner in a corner between two drug attics. One who wouldn't stop complaining and then throwing fits and the other who had some kind of blood borne illness with open sores. It was fucking terrible.

Today I had to drive almost 2 hours to another city to see a neurosurgeon who was also livid no one had done anything for me in over two months and said that even with surgery I may never get full feeling back in my leg (cries) This then followed more X-rays, blood work (7 vials taken oi vey) and an ECG.

Turns out I also have a rare heart defect - that only one other person in my family has - that causes my heart to skip a beat every third beat. They also (because I'm anemic) had to go through the process of signing a ton of forms for the possibility that I may need a transfusion during or after surgery....

This was supposed to be a short post I swear -_-

Thursday I have to go for a full physical and do even MORE paperwork, and then drive again 2 hours away to another city to have my surgery.

FML

So yeah, I still very much want to be creating and posting I just haven't been able to sit or concentrate much as I am taking pain killers (that do not want to work with my antidepressants) so I've either been completely out of it or just stuck doing one thing and one thing only (which has mostly been just riding around in RDR2 hunting, fishing and exploring) I also finished the new Zelda game cuz... well I've been laying down a lot.

Holy Jeebs have I been bored. In between that I've also been trying to keep GiraffeBarn active and get into a few local stores again.

2024 has been hectic and chaotic.

I'm hopeful that the new year will bring me some much needed peace and clarity.

So yeah, I'm not gone, I'm still lurking about and I still plan to post again (when I can)

I miss you all so very much (especially my wifey <3)

Hope you all are well

much love

B

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

I start back to work today, after two weeks of leave assigned by my doctor. I didn't have the days to cover that, so I had to use FML. Meaning I'm not getting paid for those two weeks.

(This is NOT a post to ask for money btw, my family has been helping me financially and I'm so grateful for them)

The thing is, I'm not ready to go back. I'm in my room rn crying and trying to hold back a panic attack. Idk how I'm going to make it through the day. My principal doesn't like me, and I think he's looking for an excuse to let me go.

And part of me wishes he would fire me. It feels scary just to leave the house. I couldn't even manage to go out with my friends this weekend to do our weekly dnd game. And that's been a staple in my life for like, the last 5 years, at least. I hate that this illness takes away all joy.

I've been doing TMS treatments, but they don't seem to be helping yet. But I have 36 treatments total before I'm finished, so there's still time, I've only just started.

Anyway, y'all wish me luck that I can hold it together today.

And thank you to all the people on here that have reached out to me and offered kindness and compassion. Not to get too heavy, but I think some of y'all have saved my life.

Sending a big thank you to all of y'all who have been so nice to me when I really needed it:

[lil-spoopy-krissy]

fml i go back to work tomorrow after not being in for a week

i also have ball shit memory and dont remember if i checked the schedule correctly and saw i was off for THE WEEK (im stupid, and the app my store uses is stupid, and yea had a panic attack because of that)

like i could have no called no showed and i wouldnt know.

Worst part my management are the type to try and gaslight me into thinking i no called so like??????? They tried gaslighting me once saying i didn't clock out on a day i wasn't even fucking working so i wouldn't be suprised if they did the same thing lol

also WOKE UP FROM A MIGRAINE WHERE I HAD TO GO PANTSLESS BECAUSE I WAS GETTING HOT FLASHES LOVE THE HUMIDITY and i cant find my measuring tape ribbon cause too fast is shutting down and i NEED to cop more shit before they do

[vanillarising]

okay i thiiiiink im agoraphobic to some extent. i wanted to go out so bad today but everytime i even considered it i started having a panic attack again, let alone trying to start eating breakfast, getting dressed.... i hate this. ive missed class yesterday and now missing the gallery visit as well like fml fml. ive been eating, sleeping, cut down on smoking hugely and still like. im Fucking Crazy In The head. so idk. maybe im gonna ask for accomodation cause i love learning and im a great student but just. being in public has the same brain association as being hunted by an axe murderer

[niksu-agassi]

I hate being the overly dramatic friend but how do you people actually deal with rejection lmfao

[mistressemmedi]

I literally just baked cinnamon buns with cream cheese icing, made Guinness flavored bread, planning on making naan with butter/garlic and parsley, and maybe something else...

Stress baking is real

[sanguisfulgur]

Doctors tomorrow (or well, today since it’s 3am), opticians the day after, all whilst ‘that time of the month’ rears it’s ugly head. Joy. 

[apocryta]

Anyone else get a little bit of inexplicable shame when you have a panic attack and you know exactly what happened to trigger it but it's kind of your fault because you thought the trigger wouldn't affect you as much as it did? Yeah. Fun times.

[tricky-pockets]

Can we talk about how hard it is to actually get disability accommodations at work? 

Legally, your employer is required to provide ‘reasonable accommodations’ for a disability... unless doing so would constitute an ‘undue hardship’ for the business. But guess who gets to decide what counts as ‘reasonable’. And guess who gets to decide what counts as an ‘undue hardship’.

I’ll use myself as an example here - I used to work in a warehouse, and I have severe panic disorder. If I had a bad panic attack at work, I needed to be able to go home without being penalized for it. I needed to recuperate physically and mentally so that my anxiety wouldn’t spike for a month. And I needed to not be around 4-ton moving machinery if I had to take sedative meds. I was never the only person doing my job, and my presence was not critical on any day.

I lost my FML certification*, so my only option was to try to get unpaid intermittent leave as an ADA accommodation. I supplied extensive documentation from my doctor. I sat through meetings with my boss and an HR ghoul every week, for months, trying to negotiate this while they stonewalled and gaslit me.

* Legally, you are entitled to (unpaid) leave - extended or intermittent - under the FMLA... unless you don’t meet the yearly requirement for hours worked. Which means that it’s entirely possible to disqualify yourself from FML... by... using it too much. in the prior year. That happened to me.

I had an hour-long conversation in which they insisted that the accommodation was unreasonable because “there is no projected end date” - because I couldn’t tell them how long I’d need the accommodation for. I sat in a tiny room, one unexcused absence away from losing my job, outnumbered and alone, demoralized from all the previous meetings, sick with anxiety - and explained the meaning of the word ‘chronic’ to 2 very polite corporate ghouls over and over again in different words, feeling utterly insane. I broke down. I cried. I didn’t realize until I got home and talked to my partner that they knew what they were doing. And I hate them for doing that to me and to god knows how many others. 

I’m really really bad at spotting it when people are being dishonest, and I wondered why they kept asking the same questions over and over in the same weekly meeting. I eventually came to understand that their lack of understanding was not sincere. I was being pressured to shut the fuck up about my disability already. And eventually, I did. I didn’t see any other options.

Legal protections for people with disabilities are, in practice, a fucking joke.

[thepup-maximus]

Vent post, disregard//

Every night I eat food. And every morning I wake up feeling gross and nauseous cuz I need to eat again. I don't experience hunger like a normal person due to a half decade of intense poverty and food insecurity so my food cues are almost always either completely off or drastically messed up. I used to smoke weed to help with my appetite but it doesn't rly help anymore.

I don't really sleep either. I might catch a couple Z's here and there but I haven't had a consistent, full night's sleep (w a rem cycle and everything) in god knows when. And the odd occasion where I am able to sleep for multiple hours in a row, I wake up with terrible back pain having had numerous stress dreams like fml.

Tryna do the right thing by my friends, am currently housing two at risk folks, but between the lack of space, constant noise, and my partner's near daily panic attacks I'm at my wits end. The living room looks like a bomb went off because the person staying on my couch has hoarding tendencies and keeps bringing what could be construed as literal garbage into my home and displaying it in multiple rooms. The person staying in our spare bedroom (that wasn't rly a spare room because that's where my partner was living prior to) is a delicate tenderqueer who is near impossible to have any discussion with, without them either crying or apologizing or both. It's not either of their faults, they're going tf thru it. Divorce, mental health issues, active addiction, illegal evictions, it's bonkers and they have it way worse than I do (not that it's a competition of course) but I just want my house and my room back. I'm so tired. I want my partner to not have to freak out and panic about every damn thing because the stress of their job (emergency shelter) and trying to help our friends isn't leaving any room for "rational" thinking or detachment from situations that we absolutely have zero control over.

But mostly I want capitalism to stop exploiting and punishing my friends. I want transphobia and stigma surrounding addiction to fucking die. I want it to be impossible to jeopardize someone's housing, period. I want cops to stop harassing people and for profit to stop being the motivating factor in fucking everything. I wanna be able to eat and sleep like a normal person ffs. I want my partner to feel safe again :(

I just want everything to be completely different. Is that so much to ask?

//end vent

[cemeteryrocks900]

Stats 03/19/22 (fml)

TW calories, weight, thoughts

Weight: 106.4-this can’t be accurate bc of the wires and I didn’t take off my shirt or bra but it still made me feel goddamn disgusting

Calories:1758 (fml please kill me)

Steps:2100

Burned calories:84

Net calories:1674

Water/liquid:no water… 17oz liquid (ice lemon lime)

Thoughts:I shared them earlier, I’m going to use stronger words against myself though bc this is a stats post-

I am so beyond mad at myself, I feel like I’m failing myself, disappointing myself in not starving? Like I’m I need to eat but I could’ve just made a bowl of veggies and said I was full and had less calories

I’m just so sick of making decisions out of nowhere and being tired and feeling sick after eating, I feel like shit and I hate myself for eating and making myself feel this way

I feel like I had no self control when it came to the peppermint patties today, and it was a scary feeling, I starting having a panic attack about it and my boyfriend held me and it kinda made me shut up, but then I was rocking back and forth thinking about it and did the thing where you starting saying all your thoughts out loud super fast and just word vomit bc you’re just dying inside

It’s making me so angry that I’m eating crap food

Tomorrow I’m not gonna have crappy food, I will allow myself desserts and let me have my sweet craving but I’m not going to “binge/indulge” on only sweets (I use binge loosely because in NO WAY that was a binge and I’m extremely aware of what it is and how it works, but it’s hard to find a different word, that’s why I placed it next to indulge so you get an idea of what I mean) but always I know not to avoid sweets all at once bc it’ll just make me lose my mind and eat more sweets

But I’m going to eat low cal foods, only 1 or 2 meals and a snack, that’s all, bc I’m so mad at myself

I will weight myself the SECOND I take the leads (monitors) off so I get an “accurate” weight

I’m so goddamn tired and upset and want to just cry over today, my cat is cuddling me and I feel bad bc he keeps trying to climb on to my chest which he NEVER wants to do but I have to push him off me so he doesn’t mess up the readings

Ok I guess that’s all

Goodnight guys :,(

[katiekeysburg]

...and I just found a bedbug in my apartment

[lubdubsworld]

hey shyn! this isn't related to writing tbh and you can totally ignore this if it makes you uncomfortable in any form.

i just wanted to ask how you deal with anxiety when it gets too much?

for me, i was in therapy about two years ago when i was 23 and while most of my tendencies to overthink my health (my main anxiety fear) are in control now, what i still kind of find myself getting stressed over sometimes is the thought of being that anxious again.... like to the point of trembling.... never a full blown panic attack but you know how people talk about these things online everywhere and it kind of triggers me and manifests as a fear of getting that anxious again. so in other words, being "anxious" about anxiety

i know this sounds crazy and kinda out of nowhere but i was curious on your opinion on it.

once again, you don't have to reply to this if its not something you're comfortable with.

thank you for this blog as its a safe place for me. lots of love 💕💕

Ooohhh....I've been trying to get to this ask for a while ......

Personally nothing is off limits when it comes to being anxious.

Anxiety sometimes takes away our ability to think rationally in that moment so we can't really convince ourselves something is a silly thing to be anxious about.

I haven't been out of my home in a couple of years..... So for me the whole idea of travelling by plane, meeting all these strangers and sitting in a metal box in the sky just made me want to throw up. So much so that the night before I left , I slept for a grand total of forty five minutes. Yup. So much adrenaline, FML.

But what I'm trying to say is that we don't really get to decide what our mind's going to be anxious about.

For me , distraction is the only thing that works. I'm sorry you're going through a tough time anon, if it makes you feel better you're not alone. Millions of people feel the way you do and for the most part we get through it and come out stronger 🙂🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

[aajjks]

Soothing Touch;

⟶ Summary; Jeongguk is needy for your touch, while you're needy for warm cuddles! What jeongguk doesn't know is that you're on your period. He’s too cute and intense for you to handle. Jeongguk doesn’t like it when you don’t touch him. May the Lord be with you, Y/N!

⟶ Warnings: Intense Jeongguk, angry Jeongguk, Stubborn JK, soft, Fluffy, Obsessive themes!

⟶ TW: Jeongguk crying. Intense Jeongguk. This took a turn. 🤠 kind of different from the request.  SO SORRY *** NOT EDITED***

⟶ Request:

Masterlist:

⟶ WC: 1.1K

⟶ A/N: What's up guys?? it’s been a while since I wrote about him! IM SUPER HAPPY YOU KNOW WHY??? BECAUSE I HIT 700+ followers! OMg I'm crying 🥺🤧 I don't deserve you guys at all!! *hugs all of you tightly* enjoy! 🥳 THIS IS REALLY BAD. DAMN HIS INTENSE STARE. I feel so intimidated by him fml. ᴾˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶠᵉᵉᵈᵇᵃᶜᵏˀˀ ᴾʳᵉᵗᵗʸ ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉˀ 🥺

“Y/N~ Baby where are you?” Jeongguk's voice rings through the whole house as you scoff upon it. Being alone in your shared bedroom was really ideal for you. But of course jeongguk didn’t care. Why couldn't he leave you alone! The last 3 hours were the most peaceful time of your day. Because jeongguk wasn't home. But now he's back. He doesn’t leave you alone for even a second. And to top it all off, You got your damned period. Oh, God really hated you, didn't he? Your complaining was cut off by jeongguk greeting you with a tight hug. “Y/N I missed you sooo much! I was calling for you, why didn't you tell me you were in the bedroom?” Jeongguk giggles as try to break the hug.

Key word: try.

Jeongguk doesn't let go in fact, if it was even possible he tightens the hugs resulting, you both falling on the soft bed.

“Ah! Jeongguk! For fucks sake!” You groan in pain but he still doesn't let go. “Ah!” You cry in pain as his whole being was resting on your fragile body. The period cramps only started to get worse. You felt like someone was kicking you in your guts. As jeongguk hears your cry he gets off of you. “Y/N! What happened baby? Are you hurt? Oh my God I hurt you!” Jeongguk's eyes widen as he realises. You get up from the bed. “No shit Sherlock!” You smile sarcastically.

Ignoring jeongguk's panic attack. You look at him coldly. “What do you want?” Hearing your voice he get out of his panicked state. He looks at you softly. And sits next to you. “Y/N I missed you! I need your hugs, kisses, cuddles and warmth!” He pouts cutely as he looks at you with his big bambi eyes. You try not to smile. “So?” You reply in a monotone. You start to walk out the room but jeongguk grabs you from the back. You try to struggle but it's all worthless. Damn his physique! You feel like a little girl infront of his manly figure. Why did you have to be so short! Jeongguk giggles at your cuteness.

Jeongguk sits you both on the bed as he lays his head on your lap. You fight the instant urge to play with his silky, soft locks. He soon starts to get comfortable and ready to cuddle you. “Ah Y/N you're so soft! Just like a baby. I could touch you all day!” He says innocently while you get embarrassed at how wrong it sounds. You were not pregnant right? So why were your emotions changing so fast? Yeah, you couldn't be pregnant because you were bleeding to death! “Jeongguk Get off of me! I don't want to touch you!” You lie.

You were actually dying for some warm cuddles from him. But it was not you? It was your period..? Right? “Y/N but I want to though! So I will!”Jeongguk replies lazily as he nuzzles his face even further in your warmth. Why did he have to be so stubborn! “Jeongguk I'm on my period okay!” Upon hearing that Jeongguk gets out of your warmth as much as he didn't want to. But he of course had to be the best boyfriend to you!

And he knew just how to! “Oh shit! baby you must be in pain right!? Let me just go and get you some chocolates and painkillers!” Jeongguk gets up eagerly and goes to his closet and you see a black sweatshirt of his that you really liked.

“but first, change into this so you'll be comfortable!” Jeongguk smiles. While you swoon at his sweet gesture, You fail to notice the mischievous look in his eyes. “Y/N, I'm going out so don't even try to escape.” He warns you seriously. He knew how stubborn you were.

You nod and roll your eyes as he pecks your cheek and heads out.  and you change into the large sweatshirt. After coming out of the bathroom you go in the bed and scroll on your phone.

Jungkook's face is buried in your chest, his strong, toned arms wrapped around you, holding you tightly to the warmth of his body. It felt like he was the one bleeding to death, not you. But you didn't really mind because he was warm and very cuddly. A great advantage for you, right?

Haha, not really for you. The real winner was jeongguk. He was feeling so lucky! He never thought that he'd  like your monthly menstruation but now he wasn't complaining!

“Jeongguk thanks for taking care of me..” you thank him slyly as you blush.

“Y/N baby no worries! As long as you don't leave me I'll be fine!” Jeongguk confesses as you feel something wet on your shirt.

You look at jeongguk but due to his long locks you couldn't see his face properly. You brush his hair away from his face and he looks at you with teary red eyes.

“Jeongguk, you're crying?!” You ask him softly. Your soft gaze causes jeongguk to whine. “Y/N I-I'm scared that you will eventually leave me. That Y-You- God I'm even scared to say it!” Jeongguk cries.

Oh that's why he was acting so nice and very attentive. You couldn't help but feel bad. Your thumb found it's way to his flawless face and you wiped his tears away. He closed his eyes, leaning in. But then your hands stopped. Y/N what are you doing! Don't touch him! He doesn't deserve it. He sat up and took your face in his hands. “Y/N why do you avoid touching me??? You know your touch absolutely drives me fucking insane!”

The dark glint in his die eyes was driving holes in your skin. His intense gaze was always intimate in many ways. It was like he saw everything straight to your soul. “I-I” you couldn't find words. You couldn't break the eye contact. You couldn't force yourself to.

He slowly leaned in. His minty breath fanning your ears “Remember Y/N don't ever try to reject my touch. The consequences won't be good for you love.” His voice had gotten deeper? How the fuck even? You snapped out of your thoughts and nodded immediately. He gave you a wide bunny grin and laid down in your lap again. “Y/N shower me in kisses!”

Jeon Jungkook was intense in many ways. He was a mystery that intrigued you. Right?