#trying to get my career started
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god i relate so hard to martha rewatching her episodes is fucking rough.
#i too got fucked up over a skinny bland white boy in a nice coat while#trying to get my career started#and was dragged backwards and into all of his shit#and figured oh god if i fuck this up he's gonna die#he's gonna kill himself#i'm never getting a relationship with him but i can't leave and also i kinda like it here#and my parents violently hate each other if i'm not here for one of my siblings than no one is#and my other sibling is a bit of a mess so i have to be the good child the smart successful child and my career has to come first#but i just want for fucking once to have a fling with adventure#a fling with whimsy i'm so desperate for it#and i'm stuck between my parents and yeah i also hate my dad's new woman but i literally cannot change shit#and this guy is saying hey lets go do something fun and stupid that does nothing but eat time#and i'm like sure!!!!#even though he's fun around other friends he's quiet and withdrawn with me and dumping on me about another woman#and it's like.....#I'T S LIKE......#just me and my leather jacket against the world#yeah rose is my favorite and you'd think that my favorite would be clara bc she was the evil one#and i relate to donna's listlessness and perceived ineptitude when she just needs her fuckin adhd diagnosis and to get away from her mother#but god. i hate seeing the fandom#belittle the heartbreak part of martha's story because you don't get it#she thought she loved him and even though it started as just liking him AS SHE FOUND OUT THAT HE WAS UNATTAINABLE SLOWLY OVER TIME SHE WAS#ALSO FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM SLOWLY OVER TIME.#i get it i get it i loved it and it fucking SUCKED.#annie irl
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my adventures with superman turning deathstroke the fucking terminator into an anime twink is the single greatest thing i've seen in the history of animation i have not been able to stop laughing
#personal#my adventures with superman#honestly the second this guy showed up with his hair covering an eye i started wondering if t'was slade#and it is! it's twink slade! i had to pause the episode to try and stop giggling#i do love it i do love twink slade i think he should be a recurring character#with his white hair and his gold eye god bless him#also how early is this supposed to be in his career he is getting his shit absolutely rocked by livewire#(makes sense he does repeatedly get his ass handed to him by teenagers including his own children)#(but still come on twink slade)#he is hot tho i'm immediately on board with him being in this show
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I love trying to do historical research, you want an answer to a simple question like "could Jews serve in the British army in the 1880s" and you get back
Jews in the American Revolution
Jews in the American Civil War
Jews in World War I
Jews who fought for Nazi Germany
Thanks, that absolutely covers the time period and country I specifically asked for, couldn't have done it without you
#nobody wants to give me british military info for ANYTHING between the Crimea and WW I anyway#which is why I'm fucking stalled and can't plot this story any further bc my mc starts the story as a fucking soldier#and if he's still in the military later that will obviously hugely impact the story#but I can't make that decision because my time period is Screwed apparently#even when you specifcially search for FIRST boer war or use the more common 'transvaal rebellion' they STILL will only give info on the 2nd#and yes I've read 2 books about it which are the only sources of info on the war in the entire world and still need more info#but even just trying to figure out if one of the background characters could be jewish or not will never be figured out either#bc any info on the british military-- even its career structure-- is somehow nonexistent#I've even checked my college library#either people are purposely hiding this stuff#or there's some magical code word I have to apply to get even scholarly sources to reveal it to me#attempts to find people who know about it#or even contact a historical consultant have also not worked#historical consultants can only be reached by tv producers who must swear to then disregard anything a consultant might tell them
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Just curious what the average level of personal investment in these sorts of things is. Like, how much do people usually get into silly stuff like this their friends ask of them? etc. etc. Which I know, only surveying a small sample on a very specific website means I'm not getting an exact average idea lol, but.. curious nonetheless .. Maybe reblog for bigger sample size but also this is not very serious at all/not worth a call to action gbhjbhjb
#which I know this could be context dependent like.. maybe you'd normally dress up but on a week that#you feel sick you wouldn't or etc. etc. - but I mean.. GENERALLY. in the most general average scenario#where you have the average amount of health and free time that you always do. etc. just based on your personality#and level of investment in these things - what on AVERAGE are you most inclined to do#also of course assume they communicate with you ahead of time and are not like planning a part last minute#like 'throw together costume in 5 hours and show up tonight randomly' or etc. I would hope that if we're going with the#AVERAGE of things - most people's friends have better communication skills than springing entire parties#on people last minute lol#assume you have like.. a few days-a week or so to prepare. however ealrly people usually start talking about#birthdays. In my experience it's usually one or two weeks ahead of time. Like 'oh next weekend' or 'oh two weeks from now' etc.#ANYWAY.. feeling a little Sick again of course but still trying to get some photos or something posted#AGAIN i promise I am not going to exlcusively post polls and ntohing else forever hgkjgnekj#I just really really love the ability to post polls and have always my whole life been obsessed with surveying people#I used to think I wanted to do that as a career somehow like.. be one of the people that does psychological interviews#or produce interview asessments for a company or etc. etc. I am always the one friend in the group thats giving out custom made#surveys or asking for other simialr stuff (did you ever take an mbti quiz? how about enneagra#m?? oh yeah I know they're not really scientifically valid or antyhing but like... DID you take them?? huh?? did you??please?? ghjj)#I simply cannot resist.. posting a little poll every once in a while.. as a treat#whilst I still fall behind on like actual content and costumes and stuff gbjhbjh#New poll adventure should be not as much of a wait as the last one was though since I already have the writing#for it really. I just have to do the ms paint sketch. hopefully no unexpected other health issues will get in the way#*** *** ***#< (anytime I do these three star patterns it is an ocd compulsion not me bleeping out words or something just ignore it lol)#(it means something secret in my evil brain just pretend you do not see it. significant only to me)#BUT YEAH.. ... poll... what type of costume party atendee are you?#:0c
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the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something
#WHAT AM I DOING!!!!#i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch#too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun#no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point#trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this#WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!!#there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time#my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me#my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job#i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time#i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again#and WHAT DO I WANT!#THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY!#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!#anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed#delete later#i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious)#versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected)#i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want#ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you#i miss that i want that back#whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go
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#trying to sort out wisdom teeth removal..........#look get them out young okay 😂#we'll have to see if its even possible at this point but I've been referred to a fancy clinic#and ughhhhh#i'm fine; I've got plenty of savings#and my small little nonprofit has recognised that they're gonna lose people unless they start paying us competitively#and are officially giving us a pay boost which is great#but it would have been great if this happened last year when i was working at the fancy start up instead of this year#in my career shift i'm gonna work for a small charity phase of my life 😂#mainly I just wanted to post the meme#I've got the scans for my wisdom teeth roots.... they're uh. impressive 🙈#god you can tell that the userbase of Tumblr is ageing 😂😂😂#tbd
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you can see my heart burning in the distance
#artists on tumblr#art#oc#digital art#procreate#my art#zhu#📢 Hello On This Beautiful Zhusday In Zhune Happy Birthday to Zhuzhu (He/Him) I Love U Zhu (He/Him)#zhu: ma my rOoTs???#me: your man thinks they're cute.#zhu: oh!!! okay 🥰#do not ask me where i found the time 2 do this over the last week on top of job + cleaning + car maintenance + work + getting MY roots done#+ cleaning more + ''career'' + annual apartment inspection + job again + packing for my annual pilgrimage back to LA#just know that my back hurts.......... and that vacation q starts tomorrow.............#anyway enjoy i am never* painting anything ever* again ever* amen thank u#* til december when i get 2 redo tian's so i can put them next 2 each other in my mental heart-shaped locket like they aren't there already#i will say that it's very apt tian got the shitty painful hilarious first try and zhu got [ checks notes ] composition#ok bye i need to go asdgjgds
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#ay. tomorrow might b the day i face the music#which is to say. i tell my advisor how fucked i am. i mean. ill spin it so it doesn't sound so bad#its just that ive told him like 2 weeks in a row that id send him my edited preproposal and i have not bc im too afraid to start reading#papers related to my project. which is frustrating. and like the thing is. and i kno ive said it before and i kno im not a fucking idiot#i can read papers and i can even understand what theyre broadly saying. but thats it.#zero critical thinking. zero insight. i use all my tiny fucking brain space to try to understand the words on the pages#and even then it only forms this broken fucking image of whats being said. like u dont understand. i used to struggle with writing papers bc#i couldnt fucking connect what i was saying from one paragraph to the next when i was the one doing the fucking writing.#what the fuck am i doing here? and again. im not stupid. i can follow the information if its fucking said out loud but thats not how this#works. and it just feels like sometimes there's a limit to what you're capable of and im at that fucking limit. the undergrads in my lab#have more ability to comment on papers than i do. its so fucking frustrating and i just have to live with knowing itll never get any easier#so what the fuck can i do other than drop out? theres no god damn way im gonna pass a comprehensive exam. not unless i buckel down and break#myself in half to try to retain all the information i need to. which requires that i read so many god damn papers that i cant fucking read.#just. why tf did i pick a career path where my suffering is inherent to a huge part of my job? i feel like ive consistently chosen to take#the hard path in life and ive finally stumbled too far from what is possible for me#so well see what comes out of my mouth tomorrow when i have my weekly meeting. i just feel like its my last semester#i feel like this is it. i just need someone to fucking hire me. bc everytime my lab mate mentions something abt#my project down the line or talks abt future conferences i should attend. im just like. its a nice idea but that's not happening. im just#at the end of the line and it sucks#unrelated
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the fallen hero series has so many filipinos in it even if you don't count my filipino sidestep and his hollow ground big bro. like so many that it's crazy to me. i have never seen this many filipinos in a not-filipino piece of media Ever. In My Entire Life. like Argent is part filipino. Jake Manalo is filipino. Mia Ochoa is (i think) filipino. i am slurping this shit up and weeping with joy about it you do not understand
#i am not even exaggerating this is sooooo wild to me#they're all such fucking cool characters too!! a morally grey superhero and beautiful violent lady#a loyal right-hand man to the most dangerous kingpin in the city#an incorruptible young reporter trying to get her career started while pursuing the truth#and then My Asshole Sidestep the flesh embodiment of debilitating mental illness and delusion <333#anyway it just means a lot to me!!!#fhr
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i signed up at the local youth employment center to get help with the whole job thing (surprisingly, they accept anyone under 35!!) and my counselor is teaching me how to write a cover letter
and i'm a tad apprehensive about the fact that the draft i sent her to evaluate is uhh full of lies lol. like i hope she doesn't tell me to stop lying; that would be entirely unhelpful
#i'm not not gonna lie in job applications obv i just need help with framing my lies#but yeah. i am trying very hard to Start A Career instead of just taking another minimum wage job#bc sure i can get by living paycheck to paycheck but when shit hit the fan i had to ask my parents for money#and i never want to have to do that ever again#also i /will/ get renovicted when my elderly landlady dies which will double my rent if i wanna stay in my neighborhood#so. gotta plan for that#hopefully i can get a salaried job that pays enough that i can save up a down payment for a condo
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one of my major problems with my job is that I get sososo tired of trying to figure out how to interact with people in a way that is honest, productive, but also doesn't bruise anyone's egos, and I can feel myself getting worse at it as time goes on and it's genuinely what drains me and stresses me out the most by far
#thoughts#personal#I am sooooo wary of being banished back into the Bitch Corner#part of me feels like it's inevitable (and probably some neuroatypical behavior honestly)#that the longer the collaboration goes on and the more I feel defeated in advance at the notion that these people will end up hating me#but trying to pull out before this actually happens will lead to people not understanding why I'm backing away#and also hurt my reputation in a way#tired tired tired#not to go all sjw on tumblr dot com (the audacity!!) but#wonder how less of a problem that would be for me if not woman-adjacent in games#I mean don't get me wrong I would be a Horrible Person if I had received amab socialization I have zero doubts about that#but#yeah like a lot of the time the reason why I get shoved into the Bitch Corner is because I reacted to bullshit I did not start#but the way I react becomes more important than what I was reacting to (I have Very Bad examples of that in mind)#I've been called a living shotgun recently in a way that wasn't entirely derogatory and even a little appreciative?#and the thing is that do sound like me (oh no) and I would appreciate and own that descriptor I think#if the notion of being perceived as harsh and bossy didn't fill me with absolute dread as to how I'll eventually be treated#how people will eventually feel like it's okay to treat me because surely I must have deserved it at least a little#so#idk don't love that being a constant in my career so far!!!!#sorry I'm just being very Panic Attack Trigger Happy since a couple of days#doesn't bode well for the year to come
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officially at the Big Anxiety stage of career success. wondering when this stops being as bad 😔
#incessant meowing#personal#i understand that at a certain point it becomes inevitable to start running into people who will try to hurt your feelings#just by sheer numbers of how visibility works in an art career#but i feel so severely unequipped to process these things#i’m in therapy again getting help with this but it’s tough right now#and don’t worry 99% of people are so wonderful and lovely and i appreciate you all#and the hateful comments are still incredibly rare#i just feel really silly and over sensitive for still being affected by death wish/insult comments#somehow i feel like other people shrug those off really easily but i’m struggling#and i need to get better at dealing with this because i’m trans and i’m only getting MORE visibility#it’s such a double edged sword because on one hand this is supposed to be every artist’s dream come true#and it is! i’m so grateful for my work#but i am also extremely scared all the time#and it’s starting to take a significant toll on my health
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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the universe is kind of crazy bc i moved to a random town to do this course + figured out (roughly) what i want to do as a career through taking a random module. and now i'm realising that this town is pretty good for that career choice and i might end up getting a real job here.
#um.txt#maybe that's why they offer this module here lol#not sure if i want to stay in this town when im done w the course but its also close-ish to my hometown#so if i start applying to jobs while writing my diss this summer and i get one ill still be able to commute if i move home#while finding a more permanent place to stay / saving for an apartment#i knew this town was pretty big for business stuff bc my dad used to work here when i was a kid#but now im getting adverts for it while looking at stuff unrelated to my location but related to the career#trying to be vague bc if i DO work with this im going to try and keep this blog disconnected lol. i dont want to be a beachdeath#* and * both hire here. both equally funny but for different reasons.#working for either of them... the stars could align for me to do a roberto aguirre-sacasa.
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Helloooooo everyone hi, so as you may or may not know I'm trying to get things together to start offering art commissions because I'm facing a lot of pressure to earn more money for my family, but while I'm trying to sort all that out and have better examples of my digital art (and tbh wanna save up for a good art scanner so I can better do half my work traditionally and half digitally) but anywho yes while I'm sorting all that out I was wondering if it would be worthwhile setting up a ko-fi just to get some passive tips and hopefully alleviate some of the stress I'm feeling from family stuff. So below I'll just have a poll of some different stuff, I really wanna gauge where my followers are at with such things
And of course I'd love feedback in the replies!
#unfortunately i cant offer things like cosplay commissions at this moment#im also like mrrp i probably cant offer physical art at the moment either bc thats a lot of work working out shipping stuff and#and material costs that i dont have good ways to parse just yet#but it is something im interested in the future#especially since im traditionally a sketch and watercolour artist but im also trying to get into doll making#but anywho#i know it can be weird when an artist starts looking for monetary gain but ive had a rough couple years with no real start to my career#and my mom is really cracking down on me lately about needing me to bring in more money and i can kinda tell she really wants me to switch#switch careers to something i would fundamentally hate doing and would burn me out in ways it would be hard to create things anymore#anywho!!! sorry for a sob story in the tags it's just that yea im a struggling neurodivergent artist whos just been having a time recently
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👻👻👻
#same story different day! 🤪#still technically jobless so life is just a lot right now!#working on growing my small shop and my freelance career in the hopes of making a living kinda more on my own terms 🤞#plus raising a puppy and just other life-y type things lmao#I know you all get it and I can’t express how much I appreciate ALL of my friends here#I mean it big time when I say I think of you all a lot and MISS YOU ALL SO MUCH 🥲#(seriously moving out of state and basically starting over gets emotional and lonely and I truly miss all my friends here and writing as an#outlet)#😮💨😮💨😮💨#BUT! it’s just hard to find time to check in here so much these days (even tho I still hope to someday!)#I do get notifications so DMs work to chat!#AND I don’t get notifs on discord 🙃 but I’m trying to get better about checking there again! trying!#SO PLEEEEEASE hmu to chat or maybe get back into plotting/writing off tumblr because I DO truly miss it (and you guys)!#love you all and hope life is treating you kindly! 💖💖💖#00. // OUT OF AMMO ( OOC POST. )
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