#u know she’s hormonal. u shouldn’t have said that. just try to understand.

[willowfey]

a certain kind of sick when ur fighting with ur mom and everything she’s saying either confirms negative beliefs u have about urself or goes against positive ones without her even realising it most of the time. i am 13 in a grownup’s body and it makes me feel like i have rotting leaves in my stomach. do not tell me that i behave like a child and i need to grow up bc i am a child and also i’m not a child so pls do not treat me like one or i will be silent for the rest of the day while i try to figure out what exactly i am and how exactly that me is supposed to behave

[hocusbogus]

Journal Entry: 29 June 2023

I’ve not been healing linearly lately, it has to do with my hormones for sure because today is the first day of my period and I cried again, Taylor Swift’s songs really be hitting different when you’re trying to heal from a breakup. Cardigan and Breathe really be hitting me hard.

I do have moments where nostalgia washes over me and I’ll catch myself starting to romanticize having a person again, it’s like I miss being wanted and loved, even though I am loved and wanted even without a romantic partner.

It’s the feeling I am missing and not really the person, that is how I know I am definitely healing and there is really nothing wrong with feeling these things. I promise to take my time and heal myself, work on my traumas and getting to know myself again. 

The past 4 years really grew me but I had the comfort blanket of a partner, now that I am back to being on my own, I really need to rebuild my own security. 

I think yesterday triggered something in me. I was just chilling in the pantry at the office and then one of my colleague who saw me then asked whether I like being alone and I answered her “Yes, and no, but I like being alone in the office” because I don’t like strangers, their energies are unpredictable. I need to be more open of course but I was just not feeling it. Then the colleague proceeded to say “I can’t see people seating alone” laced with pity. It triggered me because I HATE being pitied, but I don’t have control over what other people feel because it is stemming from their own trauma and POV, maybe they view themselves that way.

So instead of being triggered by it and being mad at the person for ‘pitying’ me, I decided to be more introspective and ask myself why was I triggered? Turns out it’s because I don’t like to be viewed as weak, and most people think being alone equals to weakness because there is strength in numbers and community. Which is not wrong. 

But why was I so affected by being viewed as “weak” by a literal stranger who is simply just a colleague? Who meant no harm, and was trying to be nice, I hold no responsibility to correct other people’s feelings towards me whether it be pity or nice or maliciousness, it’s none of my business and I shouldn’t have the need to ‘correct’ them over their feelings. What I can control is my own feelings and perception, and recognizing that I was triggered over being perceived as weak (alone, a loner) is the first step, I don’t have the answer yet as to why being perceived as weak and alone is a sore point for me, I hope that by journaling it I will get my answer as I peel the layers.

Maybe it made me feel unwanted, and when you feel unwanted you started to question why and even though I worked so hard on loving myself but my trauma will resurface sometimes, namely my childhood and teenagehood trauma because I was told that I was fat and unlovable my whole childhood and teenagehood, not an easy thing to unlearn and heal from. 

I do love me now, I love me so much, I am healing my inner child and the Cicio that grew up thinking she is never picked, I’ve met so many people that proved me wrong, and they made me choose myself as well. I am eternally grateful for that. 

Another incident was when I was just casually chatting with another colleague about lunch and then when I said I had lunch alone and his face fell and I can feel the pity again, he even goes to say “Omg why did u have lunch alone” which is the weirdest projection ever because I do not see any issue with doing anything alone, GENUINELY, and when I see people doing things on their own it NEVER crossed my mind that they’re doing things ALONE, you know what I mean? I have no thoughts. Maybe I’ll check em out if I find them attractive but I don’t project any feelings towards them. I know and understand that people who project these views towards others are also self-conscious that people will do the same to them because they think of that towards others, and that may stem from their own trauma but that’s none of my business.

So I reflect on myself again, and decided that okay, I am triggered because I do not like to be reminded of my childhood and teenagehood trauma surrounded by people who are trying to convince me that I am unwanted, because I believed them then and worked so hard to unlearn that. 

Now that I recognize the root, I shall once again detach from this projection. Whatever people say about anything is literally just a projection of what they feel inside and it unravels their insecurities instead of highlights yours, and again, that’s none of your business to unpack for them, just be self-aware of your own perception and feelings and if it’s a negative one, find the root and work on it.

Looking forward to life unraveling. 

[delos-mio]

Out of the Woods - College!AU - PART 1

A/N: Welp, here it is! Part 1 of my silly little AU for my favorite silly little king. I really hope I can do him justice and I greatly appreciate any comments and questions you may have! No major triggers- only implied drug use, drinking, allusion to sexy stuff. So, without further ado..

If you had to gaze into a crystal ball at the beginning of the year, this would not have been the future you expected to see. You didn’t plan on being unhoused, stuck in an idle relationship, and debating dropping out of school all together. But here you were, trying your very best to pick up the pieces, salvage what little motivation to carry on that you had left. It could have been worse. It could have been much worse, at least that’s what you kept telling yourself to keep from crumbling entirely. You were never one to back down though, and these few hurdles sure as hell weren’t going to be the thing to break you. At least one of your problems was solved.

You had just emptied the last of the boxes left from moving and were hanging up the rest of your clothes when there was a soft knock on your door. Genya popped her head in, smiling brightly.

“Hey. I was just making sure you were getting settled ok,” she said.

“Yeah, I’m just about done unpacking I think.” You sat down next to her on the edge of your bed. “Thanks again for letting me live here. You have no idea how much you saved his ass,” you laughed.

“Don’t mention it! I’m happy to have someone else here, honestly.” She seemed to mean it, so you decided not to keep groveling. “Anyways, I just had a friend text me about a party tonight if you wanted to go?”

Your party days were almost entirely behind you. Freshman and Sophomore year were a haze of booze and recreational drugs, leading to you almost flunking out of school on more than one occasion. You’d since cleaned up your act, for the most part, and found you way back on the Dean’s list. But...it was a Friday afterall. And you’d just spent all day moving and contemplating your entire life- did that not earn a beer or two?

“Yeah, ok. Ok. That sounds good,” you said with a nod.

“Awesome! I think we’re meeting there around 10ish, so I’ll come grab you to get ready in a little bit.”

“Get ready? Are we 18 and going to our first frat party?” you joked, making Genya laugh.

“I was thinking about it more so as a roomie bonding activity, but if you wanna be a brat…” she drawled, trying to keep the smile off her face.

“Come back in an hour,” you finally sighed. Genya looked simply delighted as she exited, very clearly planning out looks for you both in her head.

As you went to finish up organizing your closet, you felt the familiar buzz of your phone in your pocket.

Matt: u coming over tonight?

You couldn’t stop your eyes from rolling back in your skull. That probably shouldn’t happen when you get a text from your boyfriend.

Y: can’t, sorry. Going out with Genya M: ok- have fun. Make good choices. Y: wtf does that mean M: just to make good choices? Jesus does everything have to be a fight? Y: i’m not trying to fight omg Y: i’ll just talk to you later M: k

K. He had some fucking nerve.

---

Across campus, Nikolai wasn’t having much better of an evening.

"Do I have to?"

"Yes." Aleks's tone was final; Nikolai knew there was no point in trying to bargain with him at this point.

"Jesus, fine." Nikolai’s fate had been decided and it was now mandatory that he go to the Delta Chi party that night. And here he had been looking forward to a quiet evening alone with his guitar and journal...

"It'll be fun, you sad sack. And I really want you to meet Alina," Aleks chastised.

"I didn’t know you missed my irreplaceable company quite this much."

Aleks gently threw a pencil across the table at his head. "Maybe you'll even catch a new fish of your own, huh?" he said with an obnoxious smirk. Nikolai just chuckled, nodding noncommittally before heading off to his bedroom.

It's not that he didn’t want to go. Well, he didn’t, really. But normally, he would. It’d been about a month since he called it off with the girl he met in Statistics. And it's not like he even missed her all that much- he knew she wouldn’t be around long from the start. But he was still stuck in the “mope in his room, write songs about heartbreak” phase of his healing. Because of such, he hadn't felt like partying much lately, but he’d blown off Aleks the last 3 weekends...he wasn't going to let Nikolai say no again.

Nikolai figured the least he could do is try and look presentable. It was unlike him to spend as much time in sweats as he had; his sense of style had always been impeccable. He was a man who knew he was handsome and knew the best way to broadcast just that. He pulled out tight black jeans and paired them with a powder blue button down with the sleeves rolled up, maybe a couple of the top buttons left undone. He pushed his golden hair back out of his hazel eyes and scrutinized himself in the mirror. To his horror, he looked like he hadn't had a good night of sleep in a week, which was true. Overall, it could have been better, but it could be worse. With a sigh, he grabbed his phone and keys before going out to find Aleks.

They got to the Delta Chi house, and there were already a few guys passed out on the lawn. Nikolai wasn’t surprised, but it was only 10:30. They must have been freshmen. Aleks lead the way to the porch where a petite dark haired girl turned around and beamed at them.

"You're late!" she says with a clearly fake pout. Aleks leaned in to kiss it away and Nikolai looked everywhere but at them.

"Sorry, sorry, I know. Miss Princess here had to be dragged out of his cave," he laughed at his expense. "Alina, this is Nikolai. Nikolai, Alina."

"Nice to finally meet you," Alina smiled. She's cute, he can give Aleks that.

"I’ll have you know I was not in a cave. I was waxing poetic about love lost, heartbreak and what have you,” Nikolai smirked as Alina laughed.

"Genya and her new roommate are already inside," Alina said, grabbing Aleks's hand.

Thank god. Not that he didn't want to spend time with them or get to know Alina, but he didn't really want to watch them suck face and play third wheel all night. Genya had been a friend of theirs since Freshman year- she smoked them down at a random dorm party and she'd been part of the gang ever since. Nikolai pushed through the crowd and made it along with Aleks and Alina to the kitchen. There were fewer people back here and Nikolai felt like he could breathe again.

"Nik," Genya chirped and threw her hands up excitement. "He lives!"

"You saw me Wednesday," Nikolai laughed. “But, I understand. Aleks was desperate for his company too. It must have been unbearable without me.”

"I really didn't think Aleks would get you to come," she said with an easy grin. Genya handed him a cup of what he assumed was beer. "Doesn't matter. You're here now."

They all circled up and chatted for a minute. For once in his life, Nikolai felt like he was noticeably quiet, but he found he didn’t have much to add. They didn’t want to hear about how he managed to cook a meal TWICE last week. Or how he’d written probably a dozen songs, all of them dogshit. Genya was grinning at a story their friend William was telling when she looked over his shoulder and motioned for someone to join them.

"Guys! Guys! This is my new roommate," Genya said. Ah yes, the new roommate. How could Nikolai forget?

New Roommate had wedged themselves into the circle two people away from Nikolai. He looked up from his cup and immediately locked eyes with you. Honestly, the name should have tipped him off. He never, ever thought he’d see you again. There's no way you possibly remember him, right? God, you were still so beautiful.

"Nikolai?" you asked with a tight voice, eyes jumping all around his face. And it's right about then that Nikolai wished he got a little more beauty sleep. Here you were, practically glowing, while he looked like the walking dead.

"Hey," he breathed out. It sounded a lot more desperate than he meant it to, but you always have had that effect on him.

"You guys know each other?" Aleks interjected.

"It's uh, it's been a few years, but yeah," you said with a blush, looking down into your cup. Aleks and Genya both looked at Nikolai with a raised eyebrow. He could feel the sweat pricking along his brow. Fuck, now all eyes were on him...

"Maybe there's a spot open for beer pong. Let's go check it out." Thank you. Subtle, Genya. "You guys can catch up," Genya said walking past you and patting Nikolai on the shoulder. The rest of his friends followed suit and Nikolai was left alone with you, staring not so subtly.

You hadn’t grown an inch. You’d lost the bright red glasses too. But, god, you were still the most gorgeous creature Nikolai had ever laid his eyes on. Really, he couldn't have lost his virginity to a hotter person.

It's your typical boy-meets-girl story. Nikolai first saw you at the rink where he played hockey in high school. Your parents owned the building and seeing as such, you were employed as the kid behind the concession stand. Nikolai remembered the first time he saw you, he thought you looked like a dork. A very hot dork, but a dork all the same. Nikolai began to notice you watching him in particular during practice, which just further flustered his raging teen hormones.

One night, after everyone else had left practice, Nikolai stayed behind and introduced himself to you. He’d never seen such a beautiful mouth and he had to resist the urge to kiss you right then and there. It became habit that he stay after practice and lean against the counter to shamelessly flirt with you. You often had the rink to yourselves by that time, so Nikolai felt like he could really be himself during those hours. He was still figuring out his place in the world and had stuck-up parents who would never approve of him taking you home. But in the lowlights of the concourse, he was allowed to have a crush on you.

Flirting led to making out behind the counter. Making out behind the counter led to hand stuff in your beat up purple van once you locked up for the night. Hand stuff led to him fucking you in the locker room shower. It was both of your first time and it could have been much less hurried. But you were young and inexperienced and horny as fuck and still exploring sexuality. You kept that arrangement up for the next few months until the season ended and Nikolai left that fall for school. He felt like a dick for not saying goodbye to you. It's not in his nature to ghost. It just isn't. He thinks maybe he was still scared of what it all "meant" and how much he really liked you. Maybe this was the universe telling him to make things right with you and make things right for himself.

"Hey, stranger," you said with a lopsided grin. Fuck. Nikolai was so done for if you kept looking at him like that.

"Hey yourself." And Nikolai couldn't help himself when he reached out to you to pull you in a tight embrace. Lucky him, you didn’t push him away and call him a fucking asshole; he thought he would have deserved that. You buried your face into his neck and the hot little puffs of air were doing way more to him than they should. You parted just enough to get a good look at each other.

"You look good," you said with a dark edge to your voice, bottom lip trapped between your teeth. He knew very well what he looked like that night, but you seemed to mean the compliment.

"You look better," he replied earnestly, because it was true. It shouldn't have been this easy to fall right back into things. But it was always different with you. Sometimes, he still thought you were the only one that really understood him without him having to say a word.

"Nikolai Lantsov, you always were a little flirt," you laughed. Your eyes crinkled at the corner and Nikolai thought to himself how beautiful you are when you’re playful. You’re always beautiful. He wanted nothing more than to whisk you away and have you alone. This time, he wouldn’t fuck it up. He wouldn’t let you go. You must have noticed his brain going into overdrive because you say "What's going on up there? What ya thinking?" You pushed a rogue lock of golden hair away from his face.

"Honestly?"

"Honestly."

"I'm thinking about how much I wish we weren't at a frat party right now. I'm thinking about how I want to be selfish and have you all to myself," Nikolai said low so only you could hear. You laughed a little to yourself and looked at him with sparkling eyes.

"I'm not stopping you," you drawled. Fuck. Fuck, ok. This was really happening.

"Let me tell the guys we're leaving and then do you maybe want to get some food?" Nikolai asked hopefully. You just nodded coyly with a small smirk.

"I'll meet you out front." You squeezed his hand once and started pushing your way through the sea of bodies.

Nikolai ran his hands through his hair and took a deep breath before nearly running down to the basement, eager to say goodbye and make his way back to you. Genya, Aleks, Alina, and William were playing each other, a beer pong table stretching between their pairs.

"Where's your old friend?" Genya asked with a shit eating grin.

"We're um. We're actually gonna head out. So, I guess I'll—" but he was immediately cut off by Aleks.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Nik, are you leaving with a girl?" he teased.

"Yes. I am." Nikolai looked at him defiantly.

"How do you guys know each other anyways?" Bill asked before launching a shot.

"Just from growing up. High school or whatever," Nikolai mumbled.

"Cmon..." Genya begged.

"Wouldn’t you love to know," he said, voice laced with snark. "I just came down here to say we're fucking leaving!"

"Well then you better not keep your girl waiting," Genya said with a silent kiss in his direction. Nikolai just flipped her off and took his leave.

When he got outside, you were waiting with your hands in your pockets at the bottom of the porch steps. He smiled wide at you and offered a hand, which you seemed happy to take.

"So, are they gonna give me a bunch of shit next time I see them?" you asked as you walked hand in hand to the little strip of 24 hour restaurants on the outskirts of campus.

"Probably. Nothing you can't handle," Nikolai winked. You laughed then a little giggle. It's such a familiar sound and just like that, Nikolai was transported back to the ice rink and you giggling between kisses behind the snack bar.

You made it to one of his favorite delis in town and he offers to buy you a sandwich, which of course you tried to refuse his offer. Nikolai simply won't hear it. He had 5 years of douche baggery to make up for and insisted. You finally conceded and thanked him with the sweetest smile Nikolai had ever seen. You found a table in the corner, away from the door and prying eyes.

"So, how'd you meet Genya?" Nikolai asked.

"We have a writing class together. And we got to talking and became friends. I needed to find a new place cause my old roommate had to drop out and move home. I couldn't afford the place on my own. And I mean, you know how Genya is," you laughed, "I told her all about it one day in class and she offered me a room at her place without batting an eye."

"That does sound like Genya," Nikolai nodded.

"I've only been there like, two hours. But it's been good so far. Genya's been super cool," you said with a smile.

"I can't believe that we've been at the same school this whole time and it's taken this long to find each other," Nikolai said, mostly to himself, but you heard him and reached across the table to grab one of his hands.

"But we did find each other eventually, yeah?" You ran your thumb over his knuckle.

"Yeah," he said, suddenly bashful. Nikolai was seldom flustered. He had nerves of steel and had confidence to spare on his worst days. But you. You cut through him, all the way down to the core, and that made him nervous.

"So," you started, "Tell me about everything Nikolai Lantsov. Surely you've been up to something the last few years."

"Not much interesting to tell," he shrugged. "Been studying history. Writing music here and there to keep myself occupied."

"Girlfriend?"

"Who wants to know?" he asked with an arched eyebrow.

"Shut up," you mumbled into your soda. He doesn't miss the blush that's spreading over your cheeks.

"No. No girlfriend." he paused, considering how honest to be. But fuck it, he owed you candor. "I actually broke up with a girl a little over a month ago." You looked back up at him then, your eyes searching presumably for whether or not Nikolai was still torn up about it. "She wasn’t...she wasn’t right for mw and I guess I was just done. I feel like I should still be sad about it or whatever, but I'm not. I don't miss her. The wallowing and self reflection has been great writing fodder though," he said with a laugh.

"I'm sorry, Nik. You don't deserve that."

"Don't I?" Nikolai looked at you and suddenly felt torn open. "I...I'll never forgive myself for what I did to you." You bit down on your lip and looked out the window. "I regretted leaving you, god, and like a fucking asshole. I regretted leaving you so much. I know saying I'm sorry isn't even close to enough. But god, I'm so fucking sorry." He knew there were tears threatening to fall from his eyes, but he swallowed them down best he could.

"I'm not going to act like it didn't hurt me. Because it really, really did. But I accept your apology, Nik. You know I could never stay mad at you." You paused for a minute before looking at Nikolai with a tiny fire in your eyes. "You know, I'm pretty sure I was in love with you back then."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"Well, I don’t think I ever stopped loving you," He said confidently. Your jaw dropped just for a moment before you're giving him that sexy grin that apparently still drives him absolutely crazy.

"Still?” Nikolai just smirked. "What if you don't know me anymore?" you asked and sucked at the straw in your soda.

"I'd like to." There's a shift in the air between you. Nikolai was sure you could both feel it. It was suddenly too warm in the restaurant and there's too much table separating you. He decided to take his chance. “How do you feel about going back to my place?”

You suddenly seemed very interested in your nail beds, picking anxiously at the skin. “You didn’t ask me if I was seeing anyone.”

Nikolai stalled. He didn’t. You asked about his relationship status and he was so absorbed with letting you know that he was, in fact, single, that he didn’t bother to ask if you were even available. Hadn't you been flirting all night? He'd certainly been flirting. But like you said, maybe he didn't know you anymore. Maybe this was just how you were these days. “Are you...are you seeing someone?”

“Yeah,” you sighed. Maybe it was his own wishful thinking, him hearing the resignation in your voice. Not that he wanted you to be unhappy. No, you deserved the world and he wanted nothing more than for you to have the sun and the moon and the stars. But, maybe there was still a chance for him yet. “His name is Matt. We’ve been together for like, a year or so.”

“Matt.” He let the name burn his tongue. “You love him?”

“Nik…” you warned.

“Just a question.”

“It’s more complicated than that.”

“Just my two cents here,” Nikolai started, leaning back into the booth, “But you deserve to be with someone you can gush about. Someone who when you get asked if you love them, you don’t think twice and say ‘they’re the love of my life!’”

“And you don’t think that’s him?” you said, huffing. “You think that’s you?”

“There’s a chance,” he smirked. “All that aside, I’m very glad fate has brought us together again.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you laughed. “I missed you too.” You looked at your phone quickly. “Shit, I should get going. I have a shift at 9 tomorrow.”

“Let me walk you home,” Nikolai insisted, standing from the booth and helping you into your jacket.

“Always such a gentleman,” you smiled, tapping him gently on the nose before walking ahead of him.

The walk to your and Genya’s place felt too short. Nikolai had made this trek, both intoxicated and sober, and it always seemed much longer. But now he was at your front door, hands shoved in his pockets as he shifted his weight from foot to foot. “If you don’t want to hang out again, I understand, but I need you to tell me now if you think it’s a bad idea,” he rushed out.

“Of course I want to see you again,” you said, rolling your eyes. “So dramatic. We can still be friends, right?”

“We can be best friends,” he smiled.

“I’m glad I ran into you tonight.”

“Likewise.”

You were both clearly just trying to prolong the evening at this point. Nikolai took it upon himself to put you both out of your misery and pulled you into his arms again. You gripped his torso tightly, melting your body against his. He held you close, both strong arms wrapped around your shoulder while he tucked your head under his chin. After a moment, he pulled back enough to leave a gentle kiss on your forehead.

“Get some sleep,” he whispered, his breathing a little hard.

“Ok,” you croaked, nodding. Nikolai stepped out of your space then, squeezing your hand one last time before walking back out to the sidewalk, waiting and watching to make sure you got inside safely.

[intoanothermind]

The Glue - Part Four

T H E   G L U E

Word Count: 2.1k words

Synopsis: Glue or Variable? This is the big question about Frankie’s existence. Assigned to the same role as Newt in WCKD’s Lethal Experiments, Frankie suddenly realizes that she will become just a variable to activate brain reactions in her former Group A friends. Without memories and being the only girl among several boys, she has the feeling of already knowing some of them. The new question that matters to WCKD is: will Frankie play her role as a variable correctly?

- Newt x OC (Frankie)

Masterlist

<Part 3 | Part 5>

(This will be a miniseries of Newt from Maze Runner. It will consist of 7 parts and a spin-off. I won’t do a reader insert as usual, but you will soon understand why.)

—

P A R T   F O U R

The girl shifted in her bed unable to sleep. At the age of fifteen, she was about to have hormones on her skin, and her recent thoughts were bothering her to the point of dropping her sleep. She had grown there inside the CRUEL, not just mentally. Not only the girl, but her friends also developed and she found herself thinking of one of them more and more often. The skinny little boy had become a handsome teenager, still thin, but with more apparent and defined muscles.

Her blond hair darkened to almost brown, and although she still had a few childish features, Newt had become a handsome young man. Cuter than the girl had imagined before. And thinking so much about her friend made the girl restless under her own skin. The girl looked around at the girls she had known for years: Teresa, Rachel, Alice, Skylynn, Hayley, and several others she had not had as much friendship with as the first. He lifted his chin to read the inscriptions on the metal sign hanging a few months ago on his headboard.

                  Franklin

                  Group B

                  Subject 5

                  The glue

The words, so similar to Newt's inscriptions, gave the girl a certainty: She couldn't sleep until she saw him.

The girl got rid of the covers as if they were a straitjacket. Feeling slightly more relieved, she checked to see if the other girls slept and crept out of the room when she realized yes. He only bothered to silence his steps, knowing that no one else would be awake at this hour. For a second she stopped, thinking Newt would be asleep too , but then she remembered that he didn't mind being woken up by her. Smiling, she continued her way down hallways she knew as the back of her hand. He opened the door to bedroom GA1-10 , silently counting five beds, and headed for it. The boy in bed 2 shifted, and the girl stopped, mentally praying that Thomas would n't wake up and see her there.

Your request has not been fulfilled.

- Frankie? He asked, his voice slurred and sleepy. - Why are you here?

The girl swore silently before answering.

"I can't sleep, and I came to see Newt." She confided. Although not as friendly with Thomas as she was with Newt and Minho, she saw no problem talking to him.

“Al right!” She could have sworn Thomas rolled his eyes, but it was too dark to know. “Just don't wake up everybody.”

The girl smiled, even though she knew he couldn't see it. “Thank you, Tommy!” She whispered.

Thomas waved at her and lay back down. The girl continued on her way, not really caring if the others were already awake. Thomas was part of the new Creators, so if he allowed it, anyone else's opinion was disposable. She saw Newt in his bed, lying almost on the edge of the bed and leaving much of it free, as if already anticipating her arrival. She smiled, approaching the boy with soft blonde hair and angelic serene features. She sighed, lying on the bed and settling beside him. Newt shifted, as if recognizing her physical and mental presence there, and his foggy brown eyes widened, understanding his predicament.

“Frankie?”

“Hi blondie.” She whispered, smiling slightly.

“What are you doing here?” Newt asked, closing his eyes momentarily with sleep, but pulled the girl's lean body to tuck her against him.

She shuddered at his touch, but tried not to show too much.

“I can’t sleep.” She whispered, her face buried in the boy's broad chest. "My thoughts won't let me relax."

“What thoughts?” Newt asked , still with his eyes closed, as he reached a hand to her friend's hair and stroked the brown strands.

The girl cringed. “Better not to know.”

“You know I won't give up until I can't anymore, don't you?” He asked, and the girl realized that this could be her chance. Her chance for a first love or losing her best friend.

But she realized she wanted to risk it. For Newt she would risk her life.

“Newt.” She called, her tone lower. “Do you really want to know what bothers me so much lately?" She asked before she lost her nerve.

“Of course I want.” he replied, feeling the anxiety almost waking completely.

He wanted to know. Newt had realized that the girl had been lost in thought and always blushed when he drew her out of her mind, and became increasingly curious about it. She shifted in his arms carefully, and Newt pulled back a little, waiting for her to adjust. But he felt his heart explode in a swirl of sensation as he felt her lips on his. Newt opened his eyes in surprise, but when he realized that his dreams really did come true, he closed them again, enjoying the cherry and chocolate taste of his girl's lips. He wrapped her around the waist and she seemed to relax in his arms, parting her lips to receive his tongue.

The girl was ecstatic. Finally had taken the courage to do what her body and heart have long asked, and one felt the happiness when Newt responded. She had been unsure at first, as she had never kissed anyone before, but when the blonde squeezed her around the waist and as he explored her mouth further, she relaxed and stopped caring about it. Nothing else mattered but her along with him and the happiness that took her completely. When the air was needed between them, the girl broke away from Newt, breathing hard, but with her eyes closed to avoid seeing his reaction. Although Newt responded to her kiss, she didn't know what to expect from now on.

"Frankie..." Newt began, choking on the words, and the girl opened her eyes. “That was...”

"Sorry, Newt, I shouldn't have come." She whispered, still worried that the others would wake up.

She was about to get rid of Newt's arms and get out of there never to look back in his face in shame when he stopped her. The girl looked up, finding his brown eyes shining to her. Her small hands were flat against the boy's chest, which held one hand around her waist like a cage and the other caressing her cheek fondly. Newt leaned down and touched his lips to hers in a simple peck full of affection and desire.

"You have no idea how long I waited for this." She heard him murmur against her lips, and smiled, her heart bursting with even better sensations than before.

“Good to know.” She whispered, her fresh breath hitting the boy's lips, which shuddered.

"You know I won't let you get away, don't you?" He whispered.

The girl smiled and kissed him again, promising she didn't intend to run away from him.

Never.

Not from him.

~ * ~

I woke up from my dream with my body being rocked. I opened my eyes slowly, trying to drive drowsiness out of my body. I blinked several times, trying to wake up. It wasn't enough to wake me up, but I could see that it was Minho who was rocking me. He grinned, making his eyes even smaller as soon as he saw me awake.

“Minho?” I asked, looking around and noticing that no one else was near the edge of Deadheads, where I slept.

Ben was in the distance, waving at us as he waited for the Doors to open on a new morning.

“I came to say goodbye.” Minho answered, capturing my attention again. I raised an eyebrow in question and he shrugged. "I missed you and decided I could say goodbye to you every day."

I smiled, nodding. “Of course! And I'll be waiting for you every day on the way back.”

Minho smiled back, leaning over me to kiss me on the cheek before running toward the already opening doors. As soon as he was out of my sight, even before reaching the Doors, I turned aside, trying to sleep again, but couldn't. Rough thoughts disturbed my mind, and I felt some sort of struggle or anguish in my chest. As if I was predicting something bad that could happen. I simply shook my head, dispelling the melancholy thoughts, and stood up. I didn't do much different from the day before - I just tucked my sleeping bag between two roots and fixed my hair with my fingers. The difference is that I could go to Homestead to brush my teeth. Which was a blessing when Newt provided me with a brush the day before.

I scratched my right eye to ward off sleep, and headed for headquarters. I was about to enter the bathroom when I was barred.

“Good morning, Frankie!” Exclaimed Newt excitedly.

I giggled. “Good morning, Newt.”

“I'll let you use the bathroom, but I wanted to warn you that today you're going to work with the Builders, all right?” he said.

“Sure.” I nodded in agreement.

~ * ~

“Frankie, I already said you better go work with Frypan.” Said Gally, possibly for the tenth time.

“Greg challenged me.” I said, shooting a hard stare to Greg, who worked not far from us. “And besides, it's my bathroom you're building.”

I kept carrying a few logs that had come with me to the Box until I tripped over my own feet and almost fell to the ground if it wasn't for Gally's quick reflexes.

“All right, Greenie?” Asked Gally, and I nodded back.

“That's what you get letting a little girl do men's work." I heard Greg mutter and I had to take a deep breath to control my anger.

“Stupid slinthead.” I muttered under my breath, but Gally could hear it and giggled.

"Why won't you help Frypan or Chuck in the kitchen?" Suggested Gally again.

I snorted mentally. “Why do you want to get rid of me so much?!”

"It's not to get rid of you." Said Gally, a little uncomfortably. "But if you get hurt, Newt eats me alive."

I frowned. "And why would he do that?"

Gally bit her lip, seeming to hold back the laugh and as if he knew something I didn't know.

"You have no idea, do you?" He asked with an enigmatic smile.

“Of what?” I asked, increasingly confused.

Gally shook her head but kept silent.

“Go before you get hurt.” He insisted again, and I got annoyed.

I threw the logs on the floor and marched furiously into the kitchen. Frypan was busy with dinner, and I preferred not to get my hands dirty. What if my food wasn’t good enough, and the boys hated it? I would rather not be screwed the rest of my life.

"Something for me to do, Frypan?" I asked him, propping my hip on the sink beside him. "Preferably not involve me cooking anything at all."

Frypan laughed and waved to the back of the kitchen.

“Chuck is back there cleaning the tank. What do you think about helping the boy?”

I made a face but nodded. “Better than spoiling the food here.”

~ * ~

“Tired already?” asked Minho, and I just mumbled an answer.

With my head down between my arms crossed on the table, all I could think about was sleep. My day was tiring, and not just working with the Builders or in the kitchen - or even going to wait for Minho in front of the West Door - but it was my mind that was exhausted too. I was just on my third day there in the Glade, and I was as confused and stressed as someone who had spent years there, like some of those boys.

"Wouldn't you rather go to sleep, Frankie?" Newt asked right next to me.

I raised my head slightly from the dining table where we were sitting, seeing Newt, Alby, Minho, Chuck, and some of the Keepers looking concerned at my decaying appearance that was calling for a good, wonderful night's sleep.

“All right, I'm going.” I muttered, rising from the table. “Good night.”

I got a lot of good night murmurs back, and for a second I considered inviting Chuck to sleep with me, but dismissed the idea when I saw him having a good time talking to Jeff, one of the Med-jacks. When I reached the edge of Deadheads, I didn't think much before grabbing my sleeping bag and crossing the skeletal, gray trees that hid the beautiful, living forest behind them. All I wanted now was a good place to sleep and hide from what tomorrow awaited

[chimswae]

BTS Caretaker CH27

Summary: She may think she has Bangtan Sonyeondan wrapped around her fingers. She may think it is easy to love the members equally without hurting any soul. She may think the boys wont fall head over heels for her. She assumes it is okay to show a little love and affection towards the boys, what if she gets it all wrong? What if it only brings more complication to her already complicated life? Can she survive their charms? Will she be able to resist them? What if they just wont let her go?

- Pairing: BTS x Oc ( Yoongi x OC, Jungkook x OC)

- Genre: Fluff, Slight Angst, Romance, Idol!au

- Word Count: 4,798

- Author Note: Did u watch MAMA last night? Last week was so crazy i spent my 6 hours just like that for an award show. it is killing my back istg :< anyways, this chapter little emo, because look at our taetae expressing his worries on the group dyamic and friendship :(

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Chapter 27

That night the boys went straight back to their hotel rooms after attending the after party. They stayed for thirty minutes as a courtesy. It was awkward to stay longer since they were pretty much a newcomer in this award. Though Ansel Elgort and The Chainsmoker presence at the party helped to ease the awkwardness. Yet, it was evident they were not comfortable to be around the big names.  The number of the connections that they made were not enough to make them stay for the rest of the night. They agreed to attend the after party because of the food after all and of course to show their respect.

Nothing could beat their eagerness to do the usual Vlive. Billboard Awards was possible due to the unending supports from Armys. Something that they would cherish for the rest of their life. As soon as they ended their short Vlive, they celebrated their victory together with Bang PD and the rest of the staffs.

Even though everyone insisted Seul’s presence there, but she knew her place. She did nothing to contribute to their winning, so she rejected their offer politely and chose to stay in her room instead. She was not tempted to be in the same room as them tonight, as Seul respected their privacy.

It was way past midnight, yet she didn’t see any sign of Semmy returning to the room. Tired of waiting, she called it a day and getting ready to hit the sack.  She tied her hair into ponytail after pampering her skin.

The sound of bell brought her attention to the door and she strutted to open it “Unnie-“her smile was replaced with a baffle look “What are you doing here?” she sent the latter a questionable look.

Yoongi hummed softly, holding the plastic bag up “I brought drinks, care to have some with me?” Seul was weirded out by his randomness.

“Don’t you have enough drinks today? I thought you guys were celebrating in your room” she held onto the door, showing no sign of letting the rapper inside. Not to be rude, Seul was being careful with her surrounding and the fact that she shared her room with Semmy feared her. What if someone caught them together? It would spark an unnecessary gossip among the staffs.

He ran his tongue over his lips, slipping one of his hand against the door “We have called it a night. I didn’t drink. I am saving it for you” his sinful lips twisted into a smirk. What a sore to her eyes.

“I..don’t drink alcohol though, I have zero tolerance on it. So, care to find someone else to drink those with you? I am sorry” she was about to shut the door, but he held it back chuckling softly.

“Who told you that I brought alcohol? I bring cokes and chips. You have been avoiding me these past few days, lets have a decent talk. Shall we?” Yoongi’s eyes sparked in the sexiest way. Seul could not say no to that though her mind was having a fit for letting the guy inside. The second she realized, Min Yoongi had made himself comfortable on the queen bed, with his legs crossed.

Seul emitted a soft sigh, closing the door behind her “Min Yoongi, why are you here? If there is one person that I shouldn’t trust in this world, then it would be you” she stood in front of him looking all defensive. To be frank, Min Yoongi did nothing that could harm her. It was her personal issues with her own feeling, to be exact her raging hormones. She couldn’t trust herself around him at all.

Her mind seemed to have the mind of its own. It reacted against her consciences even though she was aware of its consequences on her, she would still do it nonetheless. Ironically, only Min Yoongi had that effect on her.

He looked calm and oddly serious today. Did the winning affect his wrecked brain? Yoongi patted the empty seat beside him, motioning Seul to fill it. The girl’s response made him to roll his eyes in his seat, with that he pulled the overreacting girl beside him.

Seul let out a small gasp, shifting uncomfortably “What are you planning to say? Don’t….do something funny…” she said nervously while making a small space between them.  

He frowned “I will only do something funny after I make sure I talk this out with you first” teasing the flustered girl, he held back his chuckle upon witnessing her distressed face. Seul might appear all sassy on the outside but her demeanour could be unpredictable from time to time. Where’s the consistency, Ji Seul.

“Okay speak” Seul pressed her lips together while fiddling with the hem of her shirt. She’s honestly afraid of what might come from Yoongi. Serious Yoongi was not her thing, so she had no idea what to expect from the older guy.

Yoongi passed the cold can to her which she gladly took it. Their fingers brush against each other jolting Seul in her seat. She coughed away the awkwardness, quickly open the drinks and took a long sip from it.

Amused, he studied Seul closely “Why are you so jumpy Seul?” he bit his lower lips with a hidden smile. It made him feel superior to know he’s the reason why she had been acting this way. There was a hope in this relationship after all.

He took a small sip from his drink and expelled a long endearing sigh. It caught Seul’s attention right away and she gathered her courage to say something “Are… you alright? Something is bothering you?” her soft voice was oh-so-soothing in his ears.

“Yes. It is you who has been bothering me” Yoongi played with the sheets beneath him.

“Yoongs..I have no idea what you are about to say but I think I kinda know where this conversation will lead us” she set the drink down on the other side and collected her knees to her chest. Seul was about to prepare her heart just in case this conversation might be the cause of her misery or happiness, whichever it was, Seul had to face it.

Yoongi smiled meekly, “Will you listen to me until I am done?” his voice was soft and husky travel through the ice-cold air. He seemed to be steeling so Seul nodded in assurance. She didn’t want him to think she’s being selfless, so she responded quickly “I want to hear all of it. Tell me” she whispered under her calm breathing.

“I apologize for acting rashly around you. I feel deeply bad. I didn’t mean to disrespect you as a woman. In fact, I do see you as a woman. I want to keep you safe and not to be the cause of your misery. It is crazy how it is hard for me to finally be truthful to myself. I am not good with words. I have no idea how to act around you, to treat you like the way you deserve. I always thought giving into my feelings will weaken me. I end up treating you like some kind of pushover” Seul listened to every word attentively. Sometimes she would be in daze trying to digest Yoongi’s real intention and sincerity.

He took a long pause before continue “ There are a lot of people walking around feeling not the slightest bit of guilty for how they treat others. I thought if I acted the same way it would free me from the problem occur surround me. Some people convinced themselves that they are not responsible for someone else’s feelings. All these years, I learned how to endure it and pretend everything is okay when it is not. I thought when it came to myself, I only had to be selfish. I never consider your feelings and let my emotion cloud my judgement” Seul squeezed her eyes feeling her head pounded over Yoongi’s complicated way of explaining things. It was not her first time to hear such flowery and complicated stuffs coming from him.

“Yoongi, I am sorry.. What is your point? I am a little lost here” her nose scrunched up in confusion.

“Ugh, fuck. Sorry, I really am bad in this. What I am trying to say is..this thing between us is not a joke. I mean when I treated you badly, I meant to make you understand something. FUCK! WHY IS THIS SO HARD” he facepalmed, rubbing his hair roughly with a small grunt.

She reached out to his arm, giving it a soft pat “Calm down, you really need to get to the point. Or I am kicking you out from my room.” she joked only to annoy the wretched man even more. Yoongi shot her a disbelief look while she kept her face straight playing innocent.

“You are impossible” he flashed his dissatisfied smile earning a soft giggle from the playful Seul. She had never acted this comfortable around him, so that was first. Yoongi then returned to compose himself forcing words out from his cold lips.

He almost lost his grip on the can as he noticed the girl’s attention was on him. She was looking at his away adoring his every action as if she’s the girlfriend. Her cheek was rested at the top of her knees, while her lips pursed cutely into a pout. Yoongi cussed in his head loathing this image in front of him. Why must this girl make things harder for him?

“Are you going to make me wait Min?” said Seul in annoyance.

“Alright, listen here. I have a romantic feeling for you! Don’t ask me when it starts, because I can’t really recall. Remember the kisses that I stole from you! It was my way to confirm my feelings for you until you confront me that day. I wasn’t prepared, so I had no answers with me. I REALLY TRIED TO RESTRAIN MYSELF FROM HAVING SOME ROMANTIC THOUGHTS WHEN IT COMES TO YOU! Ugh, hell I tried hard, but it failed me. You are the cause to my sleepless night” Yoongi let out all the frustration bottled up inside him at once leaving the poor girl speechless.

Seul’s brows furrowed, her eyes still soft as she scrutinized Yoongi’s expression seeking for truthfulness and she found it. His eyes flickered in an unexplainable glint and sincerity. “That sounds really awful” she cringed with her chin still resting on her knees.

His eyes instantly enlarged upon hearing Seul’s response “WHICH ONE SOUNDS AWFUL?” he looked disturbed considering he had poured all his heart to this so-called confession only to be look down by the girl that he loved was rather appalling. Bad sign.

“That part where you blame me for your sleepless night. I didn’t ask you think of me before you sleep Min Yoongi!” she let out a soft huff, looking straight into his eyes. “You are cute” she complimented before the guy could reply her earlier protest.

Yoongi shifted shyly in his seat, coughing the heavy lump on his throat “So…am I answering your questions? The kisses were genuine. I did it because I wanted to. I..have feelings for you” he hesitated to indicate he likes her openly so he decided to hint something in hope the girl got the message.

“A romantic one!” he added with a soft blush crept on his pale skin.

He heard the girl expelled a deep sigh “Is it hard for you to say that you like me Yoongi. You really sass till the end. I am impressed” she shook her head in amusement.

“I don’t say romantic thing”

“But you did give me a long ass explanation that had nothing to do with your actual agenda of meeting me tonight. You.. are annoying” she cringed once again.

Yoongi turned to face Seul, taking her cheeks in his large hands causing the girl to squeal softly at the contact “I. LIKE. YOU” he confessed.

Seul stared at him without blinking, seemingly without breathing for another long moment. Shock rushed through her. The whole system in her body had momentarily paused working. She had gone past the pale stage and she looked grey.

“Seul…” he squeezed her cheeks giving a little life to that pale cheeks.

“I said.. I like you” his deep voice and his soft touch brought her back to the world. She looked daggers at him whilst he had the gleam in his eyes. “Yoongi..you only drink cokes. Are you drunk?” the confident Seul was long gone. If earlier she teased him for his incoherent words, now when Yoongi had make everything clear to her face, she was losing it.

Was it this thing that she hoped from him all this time?

She had no idea what to feel or how to reach at the moment. The images of Jungkook and Jimin face came flashed in her mind’s eye. Her face contorted in pure confusion.

Chuckling lowly, he stroked her bangs aside “Where is the confident Seul? I thought you wanted to hear me say it clearly” her shoulder slumped, and her eyes fill with tears. Screw her unstable emotion.

“Why are you making it hard for me? Jungkook, Jimin and now you are saying the same thing. It is not like I am living the happiest life on planet. Why…Yoongi. Not you too” she leaned his head against his shoulder, battling with her own tears.

It was too overwhelming for her weak heart. She didn’t want to appear in front of others. Not when Yoongi was the one who in front of her. Why her life got to be complicated? She got the signal from Yoongi all this time, yet she tried to shrug it off and played it cool until Yoongi decided to make a move tonight.

This was a real mess. She’s in the middle of figuring her own feelings for Jimin and Jungkook. Hence, to add Yoongi into the picture was a little overbearing.

“Seul-ya..I am sorry if..this is too much for you. Fuck, this was a mistake. I shouldn’t have said it at first place. I will just go.. Just forget about this” he mumbled in guilt, lifting the girl head up getting ready to leave the room.

Seul’s heart clenched in pain, grabbing his arm holding him back “Yoongi..Thank you” she threw her arms around his neck, pulling him into a tight embrace. “But-“ she silenced the man with a soft peck on his lips.

“That is for liking me”

 -------------------------

Everything changed ever since Yoongi decided to embrace his feelings for Seul. He told no one about his feelings knowing the youngest members in the group had explicitly told them about their healthy fight in winning Seul’s heart. Yoongi on the other hand will do it his own way.

No one should know how he felt for Seul. He didn’t want things to get even complicated than they already were. Therefore, he chose to seal his mouth. Yoongi treated Seul like he usually did, bickering with her when he had the chance or spouting some nonsense just to irk the girl.

The things with Hoseok after his panic attack incident, the sunshine ball played it cool. He tried not to think about it too much afraid that he ended up like Jimin and Jungkook. Fighting for the same girl with his best friend was definitely not in his dictionary. Taehyung who had been oblivious over Yoongi’s action around Seul knew something was off between the two. Sometimes he would catch them exchanged a playful glance like they were secretly dating.

Taehyung believed the older guy had a feeling for Seul and for some reason it upset him. Seul caused no harms to the boys’ career however it ticked him off when the members started to see her more than just a friend, one by one. Not to poke his nose into someone else business, yet he felt threatened by her presence. It seemed like sooner or later Seul would hurt the band as whole.

That careless mistake that she committed by allowing the members to like her in such way was not a good idea. He loathed it to the core. With Jungkook and Jimin chasing after her, god knows what else could happen if the boys had enough and decided to fight each other.

This issue circulated around them made him feel sick in the stomach. He used to have a little crush on Seul now only anger took over the flowery feelings. Taehyung wondered if he hated the fact that Seul’s presence might risk their friendship or was it due to his failure to be in Seul’s side?

“Tae…Did you hear me?” Seul called out once again hoping to get his attention.

He turned to Seul with a stern look “What do you want now?” he snapped.

Seul blinked feeling offended by his action but quick to shrug it off “I am asking for your dirty laundry because I wanted to clean along with others” she said timidly. Ever since they came back from Las Vegas three weeks ago, Taehyung had been given her a cold shoulder. He didn’t even dare to look her into the eyes and every time she tried to spark a conversation with him, he would either snap at her right way or just give a silent treatment.

It would be a lie if the change of his demeanour didn’t hurt her even a bit. She always finds Taehyung is the most comfortable one to talk with after Jin.

“I told you I will do it by myself. Leave me alone” he returned his attention back to his phone feeling slightly guilty to treat the innocent girl this way.

Seul didn’t budge and mustered her courage to inquire him “Tae did I do something to annoy you?” Taehyung was infuriated by the questions.

He scoffed in disbelief “Playing innocent, aren’t we? Why do you think I am acting this way?” he asked back with a sharp glare. She felt small under his scrutiny “You tell me” she murmured silently.

“Can’t you just fuck off?” Kim Taehyung who never ever used harsh words around others especially her was asking her to fuck off and it pained her. “Seeing your face makes me sick, just fuck off Seul. I am not in the mood to entertain you” once again he snarled making Seul’s eyes watered in process.

Taehyung glanced at the flustered girl and the guilt eating him up.

He didn’t know why was he acting bratty and rude towards her lately but it was just him feeling a little off about the idea of Jimin and Jungkook liking Seul. Some more, his friends willing to sacrifice their feelings for the sake of Seul. They had never let anything go in between their friendship. Seul’s existence in their life seemed to bring more negativity.

First, Jungkook and Jimin friendship was at stake. What would happen if Seul make a choice in the future? Yes, they could live their present now acting like nothing happened. The happiness didn’t last long. The more they let themselves fall for Seul, the more painful for them. One of them had to suffer in the end.  He pondered upon this and as much as he hated to see the bad things in Seul, yet it couldn’t stop him. Taehyung barely knew Seul, looking after her feelings was not in his priority list. He cared for Jungkook and Jimin wellbeing after all this over.

Secondly, Yoongi, the older man that never let anything came in between his work and BTS slowly wavered because of Seul. He looked a bit distorted when he first came to know Seul. Yoongi was ten times grumpier than usual and everything surround him seemed to tick him off most of the time. The older guy would never show his true self let alone express himself aloud, but with Seul’s presence he’s willing to risk BTS and his loyalty towards the member to be with this girl. Despicable, indeed.

Blinking her tears away, she expelled a soft sigh with a quick apologize before leaving the room. She shrugged off the bad thought in her assuming Taehyung was stressing out due to their hectic schedule. That must be it, Seul assured herself.

 ----------------

Jin offered to cook for dinner and insisted Seul to stay since it was her off day. She was still bitter over Taehyung’s behaviour earlier, but she stayed for Jin anyways. The older guy would not let her return with empty stomach.

Everyone had gathered at the round table for dinner including the grumpy Taehyung after much effort in persuading him to eat, he finally showed up. He took a seat across Seul with a gloomy face, sending a quick glance at her way. The look that only Seul could understand. The tense in the room was driving her nuts.

Seul felt extremely uncomfortable and anxious throughout the dinner though she was trying to blend with their jokes but every time she felt Taehyung’s hard gaze on her, her body tensed. Jungkook who sat at the end of the table noticed her discomfort and he kept his eyes on her for the rest of the dinner.

“ Seul are you available this Tuesday?” Namjoon smiled.

Seul shook her head “I am not sure about that why?” Taehyung was eyeing their leader deeply. He knew what he’s planning to do. This upcoming Tuesday would be BTS 4th Year Anniversary and they would hold a home party with Armys.

“Since you haven’t gotten the chance to attend our concert, attend BTS Home Party this Tuesday then. We will be holding our anniversary party with Armys. It will be fun!” he said gleefully while others nodding in agreement exclude Taehyung.

She was burdened by the request, so she didn’t know how to respond to that “I will see if I can go. I have a lot to cover at work”

“She is not a fan, why are we celebrating it with her?” Taehyung statement caused everyone to snap their head towards him in bafflement. Her breath hitched at Taehyung’s remark as she forced a smile on her face “I don’t think I deserve to be in that party. I am nowhere near to be called as your fans. I barely supported you guys through all those years. Tae is right though” she rubbed her sweaty palms against her jeans.

Taehyung smug sarcastically “Right. She is nowhere close to be called as our fans. We celebrate our anniversary with people who are worth to be called fans and those who have become our backbones throughout those rough years. Seul isn’t one of them. She is here when we already make name for ourselves” he exclaimed without caring the daggers being thrown at him from every corner.

“Taehyung, I think you are a little rude to-“

“I don’t think any such thing, because I don’t let my feelings cloud my judgement. I am stating the fact. She is nobody, so she doesn’t deserve to be in those important occasion.” Taehyung cut Jimin’s words before the guy could even finish his words.

Brimming with tears, Seul clenched her fist under the table holding back the pain in her heart. That was by far the most hurtful thing that people ever said to her after the disappearance of her father. A gush of impossible memories that she long forgotten came into her mind again.

 “Why are you doing this to me…”

“Because you are nobody”

“You are our father”

“I am Hoon’s father not yours. You are a child born out of wedlock. For years, I was fooled by your slut mother. I am raising someone’s else child and she turned me into a fucking clown. You are nothing but trouble. You are nobody Seul. You are not my daughter.”

 She opened her eyes, shocked to find her cheeks wet with tears. The horrible memories of her past were very vague, something she couldn’t quite place. All she knew, it was vey messy that day. She never wished to discover the truth, yet it happened anyways. Just like that she had to live with the horrible truth haunting her every night.

“Taehyung watch your word” Yoongi hissed, glowering at the younger guy.

“Oh, now everyone is defending her. I wonder how she screwed up your brain, when thing isn’t this way before she comes into the picture. You guys are being blinded by her gracefulness and fake affection” Taehyung continued to stir the already tense atmosphere in the room.

Namjoon palmed the table with a soft thud “Enough Tae! What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you attacking her?” he breathed calming down his anger. He didn’t to start any fight in the room knowing Taehyung would not act this bratty without a reason. Hell, Taehyung had never acted this way with them before.

“Don’t ask me. Ask her. She is the problem. We need to get rid of her before things get out of hand. We don’t need a bitch in our life. We were doing just fine without her before now why are we acting as if our life depended on her. Pathetic isn’t it?” suddenly a pair of hands grabbing his collar and yanking him around.

He pinned the boy against the wall harshly, glaring furiously “SAY THAT AGAIN KIM TAEHYUNG OR I WILL FUCKING PUNCH YOUR PRETTY FACE” Taehyung chuckled coldly, meeting the older guy’s intense eyes.

Gasps could be heard across the room as everyone stood on their feet witnessing the horrible scene in front of them. Seul was weeping openly now, her bottom lips quivered as tears cascaded down wetting her cheeks

“I knew it. I knew it since start that one-day Seul will jeopardize our friendship. Look at you hyung, you are willing to kill your own bandmates that you’ve known for years to defend a bitch whom you barely knew” clenching his teeth together, Yoongi curled up his fist into a ball. As he about to throw a punch, a small hand put a halt to his action.

Yoongi grunted under his sharp breath, yanking his arm but Seul used all the strength that she had left to stop him “Stop.. He is your brother, Yoongi” his eyes met her red eyes. Seeing Seul in that mess pained him, and with a loud groan he released Taehyung.

Taehyung flicked his tongue out of annoyance, averting Seul’s gaze “I am sorry Tae. You are right, I am nobody. This was a mistake. I am sorry that I am hurting your friendship. I was being too comfortable when I should have known my place..” she choked back her own tears. There were a lot of things she planned to say but the words were stuck in her throat “I can’t do this..” she grabbed her belongings from the living room and made her way to the entrance.

“Fuck great” Jin rubbed his back hair in frustration. He called after Seul after watching her leaving hurriedly but only to be ignored completely by her.

Jungkook and Jimin who stood frozen now were making their move upon realizing her absence in the room. The younger guy grabbed her wrist to stop her from moving “Seul-ah..dont leave.. let’s talk about this” he looked at her sadly.

She could not stop the tears from flowing looking all pathetic in front of them “I..am..s-orry Jungkook.. I cant do this anymore..Stay with Tae, he needs you guys” she pulled her hand from his strong grasp, exiting the house without looking back.

Taehyung ran fingers in his hair, slumped down on the couch with deep a sigh. He was torn in between his own insecurity and worries and ended up hurting Seul in process. What did he do to himself and Seul?

Jimin confronted his best friend with a deep frown “Taehyung.. what happen to you? What was that for? Why are you saying those hurtful things to Seul?” he tried to reason and sat down on the coffee table facing him.

“So will know her place. She doesn’t belong here. Not beside us” he murmured lowly.

Hoseok shook his head showing his disapproval “This is not you Tae. We are friends for years. You won’t be acting this way without a reason. What is bothering you?” even the cheerful Hoseok looked miserable from the fight that just broke between Taehyung and Yoongi.

Namjoon and Yoongi were long gone inside the room, probably the leader trying to reason with the hot-tempered man and talk it out with him without hurting the group in process. That was the best they could do until Taehyung decided to open his mouth to speak the truth.

 This work belongs to  Chimswae © 2020. All Rights Reserved

[oboevallis]

Hi! I loved Advice 1 and 2. So now I’m here to request u to write one about Carolyn calling Amelia while she was pregnant and ask if she’s taking her vitamins, resting, eating, like her symptoms and things like that - thank you!

advice pt 3

thanks for the prompt i really appreciate it! i hope this is okay im not sure if it’s what’s your wanted but i can alwahs rewrite it, ive recently started watching judging amy (Tyne Daly the actress who plays Carolyn on greys, also plays the mother in this show, theyre both similar) so ive felt like i can write carolyn better with her mannerisms and how she speaks and such, hope you guys enjoy and stay safe!

“Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was in surgery.” Amelia said once her mother answered. She flopped down on the couch in the attendings lounge. She just finished a grueling surgery, the toll of her new pregnancy finally getting to her.

“No worries, I’ve raised five doctors I know the drill by now. So how have you been? It’s been a while since I’ve spoken to you.”

“Yeah, yeah I’m good. Busy, lots of surgeries and stuff.”

“Hmm, anything new going on with you?”

“No, nope not really.” Amelia quickly answered, she doubted that her mother knew about her pregnancy. The two were working on mending their relationship, and she was weary to talk about her pregnancy in the first place.

“Hmm, really? Nothing? Nothing you want to tell me?” Amelia sighed deeply.

“How’d you find out?”

“Addison may of mentioned something to Nancy who mentioned something to Kathleen who mentioned something to me. Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

“I don’t know.”

“I thought we were to the place where you could tell me stuff like this. This is a good thing Amelia.”

“I know, I just haven’t really told anyone, sorry.” Amelia felt as though she was little again and had just gotten scolded.

“Amelia I know that this-“ Carolyn began, but then stopped herself, she didn’t want to upset her daughter. “Never mind.”

“No what were you going to say?” Amelia asked quickly sensing what her mother knew. She sat up on the couch.

“I was just going to say that this pregnancy must be hard on you, because of your son.”

“Addison told you?” Amelia asked with tears in her eyes. She quickly got up and grabbed her bag from her cubby, heading towards her car not wanting to cry in the middle of the attendings lounge.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“No, no it’s fine. It’s just I don’t know how you know.I just can’t believe she broke HIPPA, I can sue her.” Amelia practically yelled as she slammed her car door.

“We both know your not suing Addie. She was worried about you, and when she told me about your pregnancy it was before she knew the diagnosis.”

“So you know what happened?” Amelia asked in a small voice, trying not to cry.

“I do” Carolyn hesitated for a moment. “I didn’t have words for to comfort you on the cruel ironies of the world. I didn’t know how to help you. I wish I could’ve, I wish I would’ve come down and just been with you, but I think you made a very brave decision. That wasn’t a decision many other mothers could’ve made.”

“I didn’t want you there, I didn’t want anyone there, you couldn’t have helped.” Amelia wiped at the tears falling down her flushed cheeks.

“I know this pregnancy must be very hard on you. Does Link know about your baby?”

“Yeah, I told him. About everything.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah, he was the first person I told the full story to. And when I did it, I knew he wasn’t going to judge me or look at me differently. He accepted it and accepts me and he just understands.”

“I’m glad Amy, he seems very kind.”

“He is inexplicably kind.”

“I know you love the OR, but now that your pregnant you really need to sleep, Amy. You’ve never really known when to slow down, even as a kid. One day when you were in the third grade you were working on a science project for the science fair. And you stayed up the whole night to work on it, you had refused to turn the light off so Lizzie came in to my room to sleep with me.” Carolyn laughed recalling the memory.

“I can’t imagine you letting Lizzie sleep with you. She’s so restless, whenever we had a share a bed at a hotel or something she’d always kick me in her sleep.”

“Well when you have kids you get used to the abuse. And your avoiding the question.”

“I feel fine for now, once I have this baby I’m not going to be in an OR for quite awhile, so I’m just squeezing in as much as I can.”

“You need to find a different way to avoid your problems.” Amelia tried to interject, but Carolyn continued. “Amy, when you want to avoid something you push your way into an OR. And don’t try to tell me I’m wrong. But are you able to sleep? When I was pregnant with Derek I had the worst insomnia.”

“A little bit, but if I can’t sleep I just catch up on paperwork or research.”

“Try valerian root, it may be able to help you sleep. It’s perfectly safe to take while pregnant.”

“Thanks. Link will be happy, he always gets so mad at me when he wakes up and sees me working on something.” Amelia chuckled thinking back to the night before when link threw her IPad across the room.

“I’m glad your not like your sisters in this regard, they’ve always thought my herbs and homemade remedies were jokes.”

“Nice, looks like I’m moving up the favorite child leader board.”

“Amy, I do not have favorites. I love all of you equally.”

“Mom, your obligated to say that.”

“Well, you all have your good days and bad days on the leaderboard.” This caused Amelia to laugh, making Carolyn smile.

“I hope you’ll call if you need anything. I’m happy we’ve decided to put past our conflicts and differences.”

“Me too.”

“I’ve got to get going, Lizzie will be here soon. I love you, and don’t forget to take your prenatal vitamins it’s crucial.”

“Love you too.” Amelia said softly, trying her best not to let her hormones take over. She rested her head on the steering wheel. She hadn’t realized how much she needed her mother. A knocking on the window caused her to jump, dragging her out of her thoughts.

“Whatca doing in your car?” Link asked once Amelia rolled down the window, leaning against her car. He then noticed she’d been crying. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m really great actually.” Amelia genuinely said wiping the remnants of her tears. “Umm, I was on the phone with my mom.”

“How’d that go?” Link asked his eyebrows raised, he wasn’t expecting to hear that.

“At first I was pissed, but now I’m really really good. I hadn’t realized how much I needed her.” Link smiled, happy his girlfriend told her about their baby. “Are you on your lunch break?”

“Yeah, I was just coming to find you.”

“Okay get in. We’ll got get some burgers.”

“Sounds like a solid plan to me.” Link smiled making his way to the other side of the car.

[karmaistheguyonthe1975]

Yeah? Yeah.

Heyyyyyyy this is my gift for @coniello​, who I got in the @sincerely-us​ gift exchange! Sorry I’m posting this so late in the day. The prompt was Evan and Jared going on a road trip, but they’re in a fight so they kinda have to bond again. It was fun to write! 

This weekend was going to be... less than ideal, to say the very least. It was supposed to be fun, according to both Evan and Jared’s mothers, and according to the two boys themselves up until a few months ago.

A trip to a waterpark, the same one where they had shared their sixth birthday party, that had been planned for a year. But now, due to f**k-ups on both their parts, they had barely spoken a word to each other in over two months. A small fight over what movie to watch had turned into a shouting match that brought up every disagreement they had had for the past five years.

Of course, they could hardly tell that to their mothers. So there they were, stuck next to each other in a car for two and a half hours and facing two nights in a hotel room together. On top of that, they couldn’t ignore each other. They had to act as if they were still best friends. G r e a t.

The air between them was thick, and you could practically cut the tension with a knife. Both boys were desperate for some opportunity to relieve it, but unsure of how to.

‘I’m sorry,’ Evan typed into his notes, drafting a message that was likely never going to be sent. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything that I did, and I shouldn’t have accused you of lying about your camp friends. I’m sorry I’ve been forcing my presence on you throughout high school, I know you really don’t want to hang out with me, which is understandable. So yeah... I’m sorry.’

He copy-pasted it into his messages with Jared, staring at the send button and running through every situation he could think of if he sent it and if he didn’t.

Then something popped up on the screen: a meme. From Jared.

Evan deleted his message, instead sending a simple ‘Was that supposed to go to me?’

‘yes?’ Jared replied. ‘who else would it have gone to’

‘Oh... Aren’t you mad still?’

‘arent u?’

Evan glanced over at him, a confused look on his face. ‘No? I’m the one who messed up.’ He heard Jared snort a little.

‘havent changed at all i see. u arent the only one who messed up’

‘Jared, I accused you of lying about your camp friends purely because I was jealous of them.’

‘just shut up we both did a Big No accept it’

Evan laughed out loud. ‘I’m just... still sorry.’

‘well stop. like now’

Evan looked over and smiled at him. ‘Fine.’

Jared smirked back, but there was no trace of malice in it. ‘loser,’ he replied.

The rest of the three-hour drive was filled with memes, small-talk, and laughing, and, although it was slightly awkward, neither boy had been happier in a while.

“Okay, boys,” Heidi sighed once they were at the doors of the hotel rooms, trying to support the weight of her packed bags. “Make sure you don’t go to bed too late and meet us in the lobby for breakfast at...” She looked around, waiting for someone else to suggest a time.

“Nine?” Mrs. Kleinman offered.

“Yes, nine,” Heidi confirmed. “That sound good?”

“Yeah,” Evan replied. “Thanks, Mom.” Jared just finger-gunned.

“See you in the morning,” Ms. Kleinman said, opening the door of the room that she and Heidi were sharing.

“See ya!” Jared called, swinging into his own room and pulling Evan in by the elbow.

Evan leaned against the door uncomfortably, biting his lip and looking anywhere other than Jared’s eyes. The car was much easier than this. He could easily avoid eye-contact in the car, only having to look ahead, or out the window. “So...” he tried. “How are you?” Mentally, he scolded himself. God, that was such a stupid question. “I mean like how have you been? Because obviously we’ve been talking for a while and I know... s**t sorry, I’m bad at this.”

Jared laughed and threw himself into the crappy hotel room couch. “Evan, chill out,” he said. “Like seriously.”

“Right,” Evan mumbled. “Sorry- I mean, um...”

“I get it,” Jared interrupted, holding out his hand. “Do you like... want to put your s**t down and sit? You’re allowed to do that.”

Evan looked down and realized he was indeed still holding his bags, suddenly becoming aware of the ache in his arms. “Oh, right.” He placed his bags in a neat pile by the beds, a contrast to the haphazardly stacked ones that Jared had merely tossed onto the bed he’d claimed as his own. He still didn’t sit, though, even when Jared gestured questioningly at the couch.

“Made a college decision yet?” Jared asked. “You didn’t know, last we talked.”

Evan nodded. “I’m gonna take a year to save up, then I’m probably going to do some kind of biology, maybe. Staying close to home, though. You were gonna go... somewhere in Montana, right?”

“Montana State,” Jared agreed. “Computer science. I got a s**t-ton of scholarships, too.” Although you wouldn’t guess it upon first, second, or third impressions of him, Jared was freakishly smart, maintaining a 4.0 in high school despite sleeping through class 50% of the time and regularly skipping.

Evan smiled. “That’s- I’m really happy for you, that’s really great.”

“It’s school,” Jared grumbled. “I don’t know why I’m paying to go. I should be paid to go.”

As Jared complained, his face shifted into a childish frown. The expression reminded Evan of when they were in middle school, including some, ahem, certain feelings that tended to pop up when a hormonal and bisexual 8th grader had a smart, funny... kind of cute-

Oh, S**T! Evan thought. Those feelings we’re supposed to have been kicked to curb years ago. But apparently not.

“Ev,” Jared called, snapping his fingers. “Earth to acorn.”

Evan looked at him (well, more like started paying attention to him. He had been staring after all). “Yeah? Sorry, I, um... I zoned out. Sorry.”

“You were staring at me,” Jared informed bluntly. “I mean, who could blame you, I am gorgeous, but-”

“No I wasn’t!” Evan lied.

“You were.”

“No!”

“Fine then, keep your crush repressed,” Jared teased, both projecting onto Evan and being characteristically oblivious.

Evan turned pink. “I...”

Jared cracked up. “You’re such a dork!” he wheezed.

“I am not!” Evan protested. “You’re the dork.”

In response, Jared held up a finger as he dug through his pockets, finally pulling out a crumpled yellow card. “Uno reverse card,” he smirked.

“You-” Evan said. “You just keep that in your pocket?!”

“Yep,” Jared replied, popping the p.

Finally, Evan sat on the couch, although he remained tense. “I like hanging out with you,” he mumbled, having a momentary burst of courage that left him with immense amounts of regret. “Oh my God, that was so weird, I’m sorry! I just meant like, you know-”

“Evan,” Jared said, trying to stop the word vomit.

“Because we fought and we have talked in months I just missed you, you know? And I-”

“Evan!” Jared repeated, louder, which successfully silenced him. “I know what you mean. You don’t have to explain yourself. I missed you too. I shouldn’t have been such an a*shole during high school.”

Evan smiled weakly. “It’s okay.”

Jared smiled back. “Star Wars?” he asked.

“Oh God,” Evan laughed. “We haven’t watched those since we hung out every weekend in 8th grade.”

“You haven’t,” Jared corrected. “I’m not a heathen, I still watch them regularly.”

“Whatever. Let’s do it.”

One movie later, they had assumed a position in which Jared’s head was resting on Evan’s shoulder and their hands were touching in an effort to make the computer stay steady. Jared stretched a little and looked up at Evan, who had a slight glow surrounding his head from the lights shining through his blond hair. Would it be gay to kiss him? Jared asked himself. YES IT WOULD BE GAY, IDIOT!

Holy s**t, he was actually considering this. He had never been known for being open with his feelings, opting instead for sudden outbursts and passive-aggressive remarks. But lately, he had been doing better. He wasn’t as mean, at least, and slightly less scared of feelings. “Evan...?” he said finally, an audible shake in his voice.

“Yeah?” Evan asked, staring at the space between Jared’s eyes, which was the closest he could comfortably get to eye-contact.

Jared’s hands began to shake slightly, never a good sign. “Can I... s**t...”

Evan moved so he was entirely sat up, taking hold of Jared’s forearm to calm him down. “Jared,” he murmured. “Breathe.” Panic attacks, and the preceding moments, were something that Evan had more experience with than he would care to admit. But in situations like this is was undeniably helpful to know how to deal.

Jared frantically searched Evan’s face for a sign of... something. His eyes moved like those of a caged animal, darting back and forth, even though his body was frozen. Finally, possessed by some other force, he pressed his lips up against Evan’s, staying stiffly there for a moment before realizing what he had done and pulling away.

Evan stared blankly at him for a moment, entirely dumbfounded, before leaning down to repeat it. Jared kissed back momentarily, but pulled away and looked down after a minute.

“Sorry,” Evan muttered. “I shouldn’t have... I didn’t mean to... crap, I messed this all up, didn’t I?”

Jared distanced himself from Evan, giving him a few inches of space. After a few moments of silence, he spoke quietly. “Was that okay?”

“Was it okay with you?” Evan responded, his usual stutter gone and replaced by a shaky, quiet tone.

“If it was with you... yeah.”

“It was,” Evan replied hesitantly.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Jared looked over at him, biting his lip to refrain from a hopeful smile. He placed his hand half of the distance between them, letting Evan decide whether or not to take it.

Evan moved his hand to cover Jared’s. “Yeah?” he asked, repeating Jared’s question.

“Yeah,” Jared echoed.

And there they sat, comfortably silent, the same thought running through both their heads.

Maybe this trip won’t be so bad.

[a-strange-inkling]

SASUSAKU MONTH DAY 2: Patterns

Rated T (for suggestive content and language)

Summary: Only in another life would Sakura ever hate Sasuke, and even then it’s debatable. Though in a different sky, the stars always follow the same pattern (RTN AU, First Chapter of Story that I’ve been working on) 

 Annoying

"You aren't mad at me, are you Sakura?" 

Ah. There they were. 

Uchiha Sasuke's infamous Puppy-Dog Eyes. 

Haruno Sakura held back a sneer as she turned her attention back to the romance novel she was currently indulging, not in the mood for any of her overly hormonal team mate's antics.  The sweet, childlike innocence in those round, onyx orbs of his was as sincere as a tray of fucking cheese. Sasuke knew better than anyone that she was mad at him. 

She was always mad at him. 

"Sa-ku-ra..." he cooed, trying again for her attention, speaking her name at a low and chilling octave, knowing she hated when he did that.

The Fourth Hokage's daughter only snorted at the sound of her name rolling seductively off his lips, before pivoting her entire body away from him, crossing her legs with a steely grace.  

Sasuke rolled his eyes, unable to repress the smirk that had been playing at the corner of his mouth. "Well, I must have really hit close to the mark this time, you're even pulling out your age-old Ice Queen persona." 

Sakura simply glared at the written text in front of her, refusing to get in yet another spat with the arrogant boy. However, the young Uchiha had not quite given up yet, he knew one particular trick that would get to the cold young woman.

"You know, no one has mastered the silent treatment quite like you, Sakura-chan."

"Don't call me that." Sakura hissed quickly, shooting him one of her nastiest looks. She never let him call her that.

Sasuke's smirk deepened. "Seems there is still some room for improvement though." 

"Look, there is a pair of breasts right over there, Sasuke!" she exclaimed with feigned excitement, pointing to a fairly pretty brunette who was making her way down the street. "Why don't you go bother them for a while?"  

Sasuke eyed the passing young woman thoughtfully, mildly interested, before shaking his head and turning his attention back to the spunky rosette. "Shouldn't do that, you might get jealous, then you'd be even madder at me." 

Sakura stood then, abruptly, closing her book with a resounding snap, as she put distance between herself and the young Uchiha. 

"Come on, Sakura!" he called after her, growing annoyed as the kunochi went to find another place to wait for the rest of their squad. She was secretly pleased that his voice had an agitated edge to it instead of the usual carefree ring that usually resounded from his mouth. "Are you going to be like this the whole mission?" 

Silently, with her unparalleled grace, the kunochi leapt up several branches of a nearby oaktree, before settling back down with her book.  It was all of nine seconds before Sasuke was perched behind her, peering over her shoulder. 

"...how's your latest 'Kiss Handsome Boy' book?" he asked coyly. 

"The hero is not handsome, he's deformed," Sakura replied with a roll of her eyes.  "What's compelling about him is how deeply he loves and how loyal he is... Something you wouldn't know anything about." 

"Deformed as in one side of his otherwise attractive face," Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Oh, is there a scar over one of his eyes? Or is he missing a limb?" 

Sakura looked skyward in agitation. 

"Heh." Sasuke smirked. "He's just missing a limb isn't he?" 

"Would you just leave me alone, please?" Sakura asked him with a sigh, shifting down the branch. 

"Oh, come on, aren't you going to tell me more about your hero?" the Uchiha asked smugly. "I bet he's all brooding and tortured with a tragic past, and I'm sure only you can save him." 

Sakura growled in agitation before closing the book once more and placing it in her back pouch before turning her jade orbs on the Uchiha playboy.

"Okay, Sasuke, you win," she said, crossing her arms. "You have my attention, now what the hell do you want?" 

"Hey," Sasuke put his hands up in surrender. "I'm just trying to find out why you're mad at me, Sakura-chan, it's not good for a team to go on a mission with unresolved issues." 

"I'm not mad at you, Sasuke." she said evenly. "I just genuinely can't stand you." 

"Aw." Sasuke chided, swinging his legs over the branch to let them swing. "We both know that's not true, we used to be friends once, you even used to call me Sasuke-kun, remember?" 

"I was just a stupid kid back then," she replied. "Now, would you leave me alone, it's bad enough I have to spend a whole week with you." 

The infamous playboy placed a hand over his heart. "Ah, you wound me, Sakura-chan... Don't you care at all about the importance of teamwork?" 

"Oh, are you going to lecture me about teamwork?" she asked him. "You, the one who abandoned the team to flirt with that busty nimrod last time?" 

"You're so high and mighty, you know that?" He scoffed. "Sorry that I like to enjoy myself once in a while and talk to people, unlike Menma who can barely form coherent words around women, and you, because you're too busy trying to keep up you're frigid bitch facade." 

"Wow, Sasuke." Sakura gave him a mocking grin. "And you wonder why I don't like you." 

"That's your problem, you don't like anyone," Sasuke explained matter-o-factly. "That's why you're so lonely all the time." 

She felt her breathing hitch and her whole body stiffen at the word. 

What did he just say?

Lonely...

"How would you know?" she asked lowly. "You don't know a damn thing about being alone."

"Sakura..." he began, realizing he had gone a little overboard.  She was just so harsh sometimes, he couldn't help it. "I didn't mean it like that, I just..." 

"You're so damn annoying! Acting like you actually know me!" she exclaimed, so angry she didn't know what to do with herself. "Why don't you just keep your mouth shut about things you don't understand!?"  She stood up and leapt down from the tree, unwilling to wait around with him a moment more. 

Luckily, Menma appeared, walking up the cobbled path, giving her a shy smile. "M-morning, Sakura-chan."

"Hello, Menma." she replied with a sigh of relief. "It's so good to see you." 

"It really is," Sasuke replied, jumping down from his perch. "I'll have a witness in case Sakura-chan tries to do me in." 

Menma sighed to himself. It seemed this would be another mission of tension between his two teammates.  "Hey, Sasuke... M-my mom made cookies for the journey if you guys want some," he told them, holding out a brown paper bag where his mother had drawn a lopsided smiley face.  It was an immature tactic to make peace, but it was effective more times than not. 

"Ah!" Sasuke exclaimed, helping himself. "Let me at 'em! Kushina-san's cookies are always the best!" 

"Sakura-chan?" Menma encouraged her to take one, trying not to blush. 

"No thanks, Menma." Sakura replied, putting up a hand.  "I'm on a cleanse, but they smell delicious." 

"A cleanse?" Menma asked. 

"Probably for the best." Sasuke nodded. "They’re too sweet to share with someone so bitter. Not to mention you've been growing a little thicker around the middle." 

Menma cringed in fear. Did Sasuke just call her fat? Did he dare? So much for his peace cookies. Maybe he should try dumplings next time.

A sort of dark shadow fell over Sakura's eyes as she shot a deadly glare up at her raven-haired teammate. 

Sasuke smirked in response. "Sorry, koishii, that doesn't work on me." 

Sakura had a talent for scaring off her many admirers with that dark look alone, however, that frightening attitude of hers had an opposite effect on Sasuke.

 He wasn't afraid, only amused. 

"Heh," she replied, startling him a bit and switching gears as an easy smile spread across her face, mirroring his own. That may not work on him, but she knew something that would. "On second thought, I would love a cookie."

She strode past him then, with a little extra swing of her hips, purposefully knocking her shoulder with his own as she did so, and took a large round cookie from the offered bag."Thanks, Menma-kun, you're so sweet!"

Surprising both her male teammates, the kunoichi leaned up and brushed her lips against Menma's cheek as a token of her appreciation, making the blonde turn seven different shades of red and Sasuke's smirk diminish a little. 

"Da...uh... N-no problem, Sakura-chan." the poor boy stuttered, his hands clenching around the cookie bag, lost somewhere between pure joy and mortification.  His mom was right.  Sweets were the way to a girl's heart! 

Sakura turned and smirked triumphantly at Sasuke, glad to see his own had melted into a displeased frown, as she took a slow enticing bite of the cookie.  "Mmm... you're right, Sasuke, these really are the best." 

"Hn." he hummed. "Careful you don't choke, Sakura."

"Good morning, students!" Kakashi greeted, interrupting the spat. 

"Ah, right on time as always, Sensei." Sasuke waved before shoving his hands in his pockets. "Where are we off to today?" 

...

"Tell me." 

"No, go away." 

"C'mon, just tell me what's bothering you." 

"No! Stop that! Get the hell away from me!" 

"Sakuraaaaa."

"Sasuke." 

"Look, I'll stop bugging you for the rest of the journey if you just tell me." 

"No!" 

"Please, Sakura," Kakashi begged from where he was leading the three teenagers. "For all our sakes, take him up on that offer." 

Menma nodded in agreement.  It was hard to focus on reading the map with those two bickering behind him. 

"I'm not giving in to his whining." the rosette replied angrily.  "...I'm going on ahead to scout." 

With that, she leapt away into the trees and disappeared from sight.  Sasuke moved to jump after her. 

"Sasuke, give her some space,"  Kakashi commanded.  

"Heh, she's not getting away that easily." was the ninja's careless and insubordinate reply.  

Whether she wanted to admit it or not, Sasuke knew Sakura. He had known her his whole life and she really wasn't the icy, badass bitch she made herself out to be.  She had been putting up with his normal bullshit for years with the usual scoff or roll of the eyes, whatever he had done most recently must have really upset her.  

And, truth be told, he wasn't all too happy with her either. 

"I can't really be sorry for something if I didn't even know what I did, you know?" he told her once he caught up with the angry kunoichi.  "Come on, I genuinely want to know what's wrong." 

"You, genuine?" she scoffed. 

"Okay, I don't deserve that," he told her. "We're not thirteen anymore, your lousy attitude is not going to send me into the corner feeling bad about what I did. I'm human, I make mistakes.  Not all of us can be perfect like you..." 

"You see, that's exactly what gets on my nerves." she turned on him then, her finger pointed right into his face. "You think everything is about you." 

"Well, isn't this about me?" he asked. "Isn't that why you haven't spoken to me for days, this morning, and that stunt with Menma you did to try and get me jealous." 

"Ha! Don't flatter yourself." 

"Well, you were." he laughed. "Unfortunately, I'm not the jealous type like you." 

That earned him a glare. "Whatever makes you feel better, Sasuke." 

"Look," he sighed. "Is this really going to be the whole mission? Can we just..." 

"Ino is not one of those girls!" she exclaimed. 

"What?" Sasuke asked, dumbfounded. 

"Ino," she remarked. "You know, my best friend? She's not like those girls you hang out with, the ones who enjoy flirting with you as much as you enjoy flirting with them.  She's shy, even more so than Menma, anytime a guy gives her any attention she takes it to heart. She took you flirting with her seriously." 

"Who are we even talking about?" he asked, confused. 

"INO!" Sakura exclaimed.  "She's been in every class with both of us since the Academy. Blonde haired, blue-green eyes, wears five layers of clothing." 

"Ohhhhh." Sasuke realized. "The stuttering girl... she's your friend still, huh?" 

"Kami." Sakura hissed, turning and jumping to another branch.  

"Look, Sakura, wait," Sasuke called after her. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean anything by it, it was Shikamaru's idea, it was all just a joke." 

"Just a joke?" Sakura asked him. "Hurting a girl's feelings and making her feel foolish for believing you were actually genuine is not a joke... do you know how hard it was for me to tell her what you're really like, that you didn't actually like her, you were just messing with her?" 

"Look, it was stupid," he sighed, jumping and landing beside her once more. "I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well, you tell her that next time you see her," she quipped. "Maybe she'll forgive you." 

"Fine, mama bear, I will."  he sighed, placing a heavy hand on her shoulder. "As usual, you're blowing this way out of proportion." 

She shoved his hand away and crossed her arms. "I told you what was bothering me, wasn't that the deal? Now stop bugging me for the rest of the trip." 

With that she jumped away again, not slowing down, leaving Sasuke to stare after her. 

Kami, that girl. She drove him absolutely crazy. 

... 

They set up camp and Team 7 had fallen into a not so easy silence.  Sasuke had been true to his word and let Sakura alone, but the tension from before was still sizzling in the air as they went about their tasks. It was all standard teenage shit for Kakashi, but Menma was always uncomfortable with any sort of discourse, especially between his only two friends, and found himself actually missing their bickering. This competitive silence was somehow worse. 

Once they all settled around the fire, Menma had calculated that no one had spoken for an hour and twenty-three minutes. While he was a quiet fellow, himself, this was just ridiculous. He turned to Kakashi with a pleading look. 

Do something, Sensei! 

But the silver-haired jonin was looking over their map, planning for the next morning, quite content with the silence, no matter how awkward it was. Menma turned to his right to see Sakura at the farthest end of the fire, her nose in her book, legs crossed and body pivoted away from them all.  To his left sat Sasuke, sharpening his kunai, a full pout on his face as he watched Sakura's back. Menma had never seen him so grumpy. Though bothering Sakura was his lifeblood, being cut off for even an hour seemed to have negative effects. 

Menma, knowing it was up to him to break the ice, squeezed his cookie bag in dread. He hated bringing attention to himself, but if it was for the good of his team, he would do it.  He glanced around before choosing the member of his squad he currently liked best to try to engage with.  While it was a wide known fact that Sasuke was his best friend, Sakura-chan was very pretty. 

Plus she had kissed him that morning, he still felt it burning beneath his skin.  

"How is your book, Sakura-chan?" he chirped, feeling blood rush to his cheeks. The sound of his soft, raspy voice was like a piano crashing from the sky on top of them all. He felt Sasuke's glare burning a hole in the back of his head and realized that he may have betrayed a rule of comradery between them that he had been unaware of. Apparently, if the Uchiha wasn't talking to Sakura, he wasn't allowed to talk to her either.

Forgive me, brother!

Sakura lowered her book and gave him a rare sweet smile over her shoulder. "It's a work of genius." she sighed dreamily. "The hero just proposed to his dying lover." 

"Oh, that's um... nice," Menma replied, though he wasn't sure if it was. He wasn't one for reading, and certainly couldn't manage a thick romance novel without dying from secondhand embarrassment, but Sakura never went on a mission without one. It was the funny riddle of her being for her teacher and teammates, that someone as cold and crass as the village Ice Queen read sappy paperbacks. 

Sasuke scoffed from behind, but Menma didn't even dare to face him. "There's one more cookie, if you want it, Sakura-chan." he offered, holding out the crumpled bag once more. If he was going to have to speak, he might as well try and get another kiss for his efforts. Sakura beamed and not only accepted his offer, but set aside her book before rising and coming to sit beside him. "Thanks, Menma." she beamed, making him turn a full shade of scarlet. "You are so thoughtful." 

That set the Uchiha off, he tossed his kunai aside and rose to his full height. "Why does she get the last cookie?" 

"I-I uh..."

"You don't have to explain yourself to him, Menma." Sakura told him firmly, placing a hand on his shoulder, making his soul leave his body a little. "Despite what he thinks, he's not the boss of you." 

"Oh, wow," Sasuke started to laugh, thoroughly pissed off now, but refusing to acknowledge her before she acknowledged him. "Real nice, Uzumaki, leaving me high and dry for a pretty face." 

"Sorry..." the blond began, feeling awful. 

"Don't apologize to him!" Sakura exclaimed. “Like he’s one to talk.” 

“Look, here’s a little free advice, Menma.” Sasuke went on regardless. “Cute as she is, she’s just going to chew you up and spit you out, there are a lot of way nicer girls around.” 

Menma felt Sakura’s hand squeeze his shoulder unintentionally and knew that comment had more than stung the kunoichi. He felt something foreign in his chest flare up all of sudden. 

“Sakura-chan is nice!” he told him, taking a tone with his friend he never had before. “She’s always nice to me!” 

“Only cause it serves a purpose.” Sasuke rolled his eyes, unsure how the kid could be so clueless. 

“Kami, you really are the most arrogant, hypocritical, egotistical, delusional fuck boy to ever grace the planet!” Sakura all but screamed at such an accusation. It was all she could do to not send a fist into his nose. 

“Ah, there she is!” Sasuke grinned triumphantly.  

Kakashi sighed, looking toward the heavens. It had been such a glorious hour and a half.  Perhaps he had summoned some sort of karma for foolishly hoping to finish his work before they both started back up again. 

“You’re such a horrid friend to him, do you know that?” she stood up and strode right up to the boy that loomed over her about a good seven inches. “You’re always telling him what to do and making him feel like he’s second best to you.”

“Yeah, well it’s better than you not even letting him speak up for himself.” he pointed out. “Stop trying to be everyone’s mother.” 

“Excuse me?” she asked, placing her hands on her hips. 

“Look, if you’re so concerned about Menma and his feelings, then why don’t stop using him as fuel to get to me?” 

“Oh, get over yourself, Sasuke!” 

“That’s enough!” Kakashi intervened. He considered himself an even-tempered man, but he could only take so much of the ongoing saga of Sasuke and Sakura. Honestly, he’d come to wish they’d get it over with and just fuck or do each other in. The older they got the more their bickering and sexual tension was getting out of hand. “Both of you, go blow off some steam, Sakura go North, Sasuke go South, I don’t want to see either of you back here until you can both be amiable comrades to one another and stop pulling Menma into the middle of your immature spats.” 

“But, Sensei…” 

“Now, Sakura!” He commanded, pointing his finger, making her huff as she grabbed her bag and leaped off. 

“Whatever.” Sasuke shrugged, turning and taking her leave as well, leaving the silver hair ninja with his remaining student. He ruffled his blond hair tiredly. “What are we going to do with them, huh, Menma?” 

“Don’t know, Sensei.” he shrugged. “They really hate each other, don’t they?” 

Kakashi’s mouth formed a line. “If only it were that simple.” 

…

Sakura knew it was stupid to think that Sasuke would, for once, listen to Kakashi and actually put some distance between them, but she would have liked at least a second to herself. 

“You’re really something else, you know that?” he asked coming up behind her. 

“Didn’t you hear Sensei? You’re supposed to go South.” she shot back heatedly, storming off faster, knowing it was pointless. If there was one thing she’d admit that Sasuke had on her it was speed. He was soon walking alongside her. 

“Who cares what he says?” he huffed. “I’m not done with you yet.” 

“Yeah, well I’m done with you.” she retorted. 

“No, you don’t get to call me out on leading your friend on, when you’re doing the same thing to Menma, and then call me a hypocrite,” he told her. “That’s not how it works.” 

She stopped abruptly and turned to face him. “I’m not leading him on.” 

His face went deadpan at that, before taking on a persona that she assumed was herself. 

“Oh, Menma-kun, I’d love a cookie!” he gushed as high as his deep voice would let him go. “You’re so sweet! You’re so thoughtful! I’m not just using you to get under Sasuke’s skin at all!”

She turned and kept walking at that, enraged that he would make such an accusation, and even more so because he was not completely wrong either. 

“Ever thought about how that will make Menma feel?” he asked. “You know how he feels about you.” 

“What are you talking about?” she stopped and turned around. 

“He’s in love with you!” Sasuke exclaimed as if she were an idiot. 

Sakura felt something snap like a twig somewhere inside her. “No, he’s not.” 

“Yes, he is.” Sasuke nodded reassuringly. 

“No, he’s not.” 

“Yes he is!” he nearly yelled in exasperation “Most men are! Have you seen yourself?” 

“...Kami” she whispered slowly, wishing the earth would just swallow her up right then and there. She hadn’t realized that Menma had a crush on her, let alone loved her. How could someone who spent so much time with her be in love with her? That was insane. 

She thought of all the times she had sent him attention just to spur Sasuke and never felt so low. While it was not often and never harmless, it was flirty and could have easily made him feel that she was interested in something more than friendship. She was no better than the Uchiha, 

“Yeah, it’s true, so stop playing with his feelings.” 

As guilty as she felt, she couldn’t bring herself to admit defeat to him, not three times in one day. She’d make things right with Menma, but Sasuke didn’t have to know that. “Maybe I’m not playing.” she shrugged coyly, turning and continuing on her way. 

“...what?” Sasuke muttered in confusion. 

“Maybe I’m in love with him too,” she suggested with raised palms. “I mean…” 

Sasuke was suddenly in front of her, making her almost walk head first into his broad chest. “You’re not in love with Menma,” he stated as if it were the most basic fact of life, like the rising and the setting of the sun. 

“Why not?” she asked with a raised brow, genuinely asking herself as much as she was asking him. Why hadn’t she ever thought of Menma as something more? “He’s handsome, considerate, sensitive and always good to me, why wouldn’t I be in love with him?” 

“Because you’re in love with me,” Sasuke told her just as simply. “That’s why.” 

She stared up at him, lips parting wordlessly at such a claim. Where there was a snap before now felt like she had been struck by a bolt of lightning. To her surprise, as well as his, she began to laugh. She laughed so hard she bent over, hugging herself around her middle. Sasuke remained stoic, emitting only a small smile when anyone else would have been more than wounded. 

“I’m not in love with you, Sasuke.” she told him when she straightened up and caught her breath. Where had the clueless bastard got that idea? He was just watching her with a knowing, adoring look in his eye, his hands tucked snuggly in his pockets. She tilted her head up so that she was looking directly into his eyes. “I hate you.” 

Honestly, what planet had he been living on? 

Suddenly he took her face gently into his hands and made her still, all mirth and smugness abandoning her. She stared up at him in shock, eyes wide and sparkling in the darkness as he kept her there, not two inches from his face. Blood rushed to her face so fast that it felt as if she were burning alive from the inside. Why was everything so quiet all of a sudden?

“What was that, Sakura?” he asked with an easy smile, seeing everything he needed to see, rolling her name around the way he knew drove her crazy. “I didn’t quite hear you.” 

“I-I said,” she breathed out shakily, wondering what the hell was wrong with her voice. It sounded so soft and unsure. Like it was someone else’s entirely. 

He had caught her off guard with this play. Nothing in her body was working like it was supposed to. Damn it! Why did he have to be so fucking beautiful? And tall? And sexy? 

It wasn’t fair. 

But, it didn’t prove anything, she assured herself. He was Sasuke. Everyone was attracted to him one way or another. That’s the only effect he had. Attraction wasn’t love. She wasn’t in love with him. In fact, this only made her more angry at him. If she could feel her hands she would have sent a fist straight into his perfect jawline. 

She swallowed thickly. “I said, I hate…”

Kami, was he going to kiss her?

She stiffened as she felt his thumb brush along her cheekbones as he loomed over her all the closer, his hot breath spilling over her face. 

“What?” he hummed softly. “Go on, say it.”

She stared at his lips, contemplative for a moment of what it would be like to kiss someone, but quickly remembered just who she was dealing with and snapped her gaze back to his dark eyes, so close now she could count his lashes. 

“I hate you.” she whispered, her eyes darkening, it was hard to breathe at this angle he held her. But, she did it. She got it out. 

She won. 

He smiled then, looking so pleased that for a moment she wondered if she had said the wrong thing. The opposite thing. 

He leaned forward ever so slightly, hands slipping down to her neck, and she nearly jumped out of her skin, but his lips took an alternate route gently and brushed over the hollow of her cheek, the same place she had bestowed a kiss to Menma for his sweets. 

He pulled back and she watched him, flushed and frustrated by his brash action and by the burning in her face centering around the focal point where he had touched her.

“You too, Sakura-chan.” he told her with a wink before turning and going on his way, leaving her alone like she wanted.

[hiraethtae]

I purple you not- PT 5: I am Fine

Previous Parts: Prologue, Pt1, Pt 2 (½), Pt 2 (2\2), Pt 3, Pt 4, Pt 5

ao3

Synopsys:

Kim Taehyung runs an army twitter and is much active in the fandom. He’s known by all the fandom by his internet alias Teaberry and yet none of ARMY know his gender, name or have ever seen his face and is a mystery persona who is known mostly for spreading positivity. What happens when He decides to take drastic measures by buying 300 BTS world tour tickets and giving them away to ARMY, as a move against the resllers?

by doing so, Taehyung aquires the attention of the the world and the boys he stans, while changing the meaning of ARMY altogether.

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

notes: IT TOOK ME 10 MONTHS TILL I COULD CONTINUE THIS STORY IM SORRY OMGOD WTF(cough) anyways!! Pt 5 is out!!

|_PT 5: I am Fine.

It's been several days since everything blew out of proportion and Taehyung was one hundred per cent done. Actually, he wasn't. He was more likely trying to convince himself to walk away before it got more out of hand then it is. Teaberry's account was flooded with messages and so were Taehyung's notifications. In the first time of his life, Taehyung put his phone on silent and started thinking maybe he bit off more than he could chew. He sat on the sofa in his black and white apartment and pressed his hands to each other. Breathing in deeply and then breathing out through his teeth, he raised his head and decided that he honestly could care less.

Or so he said. It’s not that Taehyung didn't care. It's just that he was feeling so much at once that he was overwhelmed and couldn't understand what he was feeling; only that he was on the verge of a panic attack.  Taehyung's work phone decided to distract him at the right moment. A blinking notification lit up the dark screen; 2 NEW MAIL.

Taehyung picked up the device with cold fingers and slid it open.  He had two letters he had not seen yet. One was from the Mama organizers who invited him each year to the yearly Mama awards, and the other from Holly. Taehyung decided that he could reply to the first mail later on. He never attended the Mama awards and Taehyung wasn’t planning on changing that habit. Holly's mail only had 2 words.

H a v e  f u n.

And beneath it a single document of several fansign tickets and one ticket to a BTS concert.

Taehyung threw his phone against the wall and couldn't breathe.

|_8th of June

On the day of the fansign Taehyung considered running away to live in New Zealand and changing his name, living out his days in a hobbit home, farming out the rest of his life… he had it all figure out. Instead, he reacted as any normal human being who was in a stressful situation would react: Taehyung locked himself in his room and moped while trying to control his harsh breathing. His coping mechanism wasn't doing so well for him. Staring at the wall blankly for hours could make a man go mad. Unfortunately for Taehyung, he also had a habit of overthinking and that usually made it worse.

This morning Holly dragged him out of his covers and forced him to shave and wash up. She helped him dye his hair too. Her eyes were rimmed with dark circles matching his yet the reasons for their exhaustion varied. She had been coming by each day, forcing him to get out and breathe some fresh air; to jog with her in the darker hours of the night when no one was around.

"You need to be alone right now but you also need to take care of yourself. So no people or crowd, er, except the fansign of course but a crowd of girls shouldn’t be a problem. But you have to get out of here." She worked at night when he slept, golden eyes rimmed with red.

It wasn't always this way. Taehyung was naturally cheerful. He found joy in the simplest things and the most ridiculous ideas. He used to love crowds, being in the centre of attention making everyone laugh and smile with him. He knew those parts of himself weren’t erased (considering his whole plan for fighting off the resellers) yet a part of him has withered away. It happened over the years. Taehyung lost his passion and instead, a faded polio photograph of him was left. The reason he was standing here was because of BTS. Vante and Teaberry exist because of BTS. It's time Taehyung brought them back he just wondered if he could do that.  

"I don't understand why you never went to see them," Holly said while rummaging around in his closet.

"See who?"

"BTS? The group who basically because of them I'm your best friend?" She didn't turn around to see him shrug.

"I was busy."

Holly snorted and gave him an amused look. Her eyes were sharp and her teeth were bared in a smile Taehyung found chilling. She threw a bundle at clothes into his lap. "Liar."

Taehyung clutched a fist into the fabric and moved his gaze away from her. Her eyes, on the other hand, bore holes into his side profile.

"I think you were scared of what would happen when you see them for real."

Taehyung started tapping his foot on the carpeted floor. Holly closed the closet door with a loud click. Taehyung swallowed and looked up. Her hair was a shade of dark brown then. "I think you were scared you would realize it was all for nothing."

Years have passed since that conversation. Four years to be exact and the flame truly did die out. It was odd how their interactions involving his inner psyche almost always involved Holly rummaging in his closet. Today, she found this whole situation as a learning experience. She was crouched in his shoe closet like a red-headed gremlin, picking up and examining different pairs of expensive soles Taehyung has gathered over the years. Holly turned around and looked at his outfit, frowned, then proceeded to rummage again with a loud clatter, “I think it's time for you to go and make sure that flame burns bright again."

Taehyung shuffled in place, bare feet pushing into the soft carpet on his floor. His toes peaked beneath his slightly oversized pants and wiggled. "Why did it die out in the first place?"

"Honestly Tae, who’s the one who studied psychology in their free time? You know the answer to this better than I.” She huffed and threw a pair next to his peaking toes. Holly leaned her chin into her palm with raised brows. Taehyung stubbornly kept his mouth shut and stared in absolute fake fascination at the fake plant on his desk. Holly let the silence drag on for another minute before sighing and got to her feet. Taehyung closed the apartment door after her as his phone began to ring. Holly’s name appeared on his screen next to a purple heart and he didn’t offer a greeting as she continued where she left off, uttering his dreaded thoughts.”-I think in your attempt to preserve your passion from a distance-" Holly's voice echoed from his phone on loudspeaker while Taehyung started to make coffee very loudly as well as the sound of cars and wind as she walked on the street to get to her day job didn’t affect her volume. "-pushed you away from the original feeling that made you go 'This is what I want to do. This is what I want to share with the world.' And as a result, your subconscious burned the flame out by itself."

"I always knew I was self-destructive," Taehyung said wryly and gagged on the bitter taste of his drink. He decided to make tea instead.

Holly laughed in a hollow way while a bus horn echoed in the empty apartment. Her voice crackling through the phone she said, "Aren't we all?"

Taehyung picked up his phone that had seen better days and wandered into the bathroom. His eyes weren't rimmed with red like before and his eye bags had mostly disappeared. His hair was dyed a dark black which grew out into a tiny mullet behind his ears. His cheeks looked fuller and healthier. He stopped biting his lips last weeks and they weren't bleeding any more. Taehyung looked healthier then he was for a while and it made him feel that on the inside he could be better too.

"See you later."

Holly hummed a reply while a woman screamed “Taxi!” in the background before the screen went dark. Taehyung looked at his reflection once more and tried to smile. It made him happy to see it was more genuine this time. He was dreading going to the fansign but also alighted. It made him feel what he lost all those years ago. It made him feel young, alive and burning.

When Taehyung arrived at the fansign he thought he must have gotten the wrong address. Yet, the gaggle of girls holding different Army bombs, wearing shirts with the names of the idols etched on them in different colours and the excited screams of hormonal teenagers seemed to prove him wrong.

Taehyung tucked his chin in his blue scarf and tried to breathe normally. He used to not mind crowds and revelled in them. Now he couldn’t help but shrink into himself. If his followers on Twitter could see the outgoing Teaberry now… The mere thought made him snort bitterly.

An incredibly short girl came running by, screeching like a bird and stepping on Taehyung’s shoes. He looked down at his soles and then at the girl who ran off still screeching and wearing a very unflattering Min Yoongi meme shirt. Taehyung blinked after her, a pout already forming under his face mask. It not often he got trampled by girls but his shoes were new and WHITE. A voice interrupted his moment of sulking. “Need a wet wipe?”

Taehyung blinked and turned away from the girl who was now flailed her arms around, smacking peoples things from their arms as she told something to a gaggle of her friends with an excited expression. A boy yelled at her when she made him drop his phone and the girl apologized with wide eyes.

In front of Taehyung stood an amused looking woman who appeared to be a year or so older then Taehyung. She had smile lines and a grin to match, hair raised in a casual bun. Hanging from her neck was a professional camera.

Taehyung looked down at his shoes again and smiled sheepishly, his mask hiding his expression. “I think I might. Thank you.”

The woman snickered and handed him a disposable wet wipe with Burger King logo. “First time at a fansign? You have to be careful of the small ones, they are just balls of energy.” Taehyung opened the plastic and breathed in deeply the lemony scent wafting from the wipe, it’s refreshing smell immediately calming his nerves from the stuffy area. Crowds made him anxious these days. Taehyung couldn’t remember how it felt not to be in a constant state of social anxiety. He crouched down to clean off the smudge and grunted when it refused to wipe off the white sneaker. A hand suddenly appeared in front of him. Taehyung looked up at the woman and her camera dangled dangerously close to his face when she leaned down, brown eyes glinting.

“My name is Soomin.”

“Taehyung.” He replied and took her hand, smudge forgotten.

Soomin introduced him to a few more girls, all carrying oversized cameras in their hands or around their necks. They were close to his age and were hobbyist fansites. They were inside of the hall at the beginning of the line and in the first row, Taehyung in the middle between 3 bickering woman.

“I can’t go to each concert or meeting they have, I have a life too.” Bok Jo snorted, her short black hair held back with a bright orange headband. “Their schedule has gotten so busy I don’t know how those full-time fansite masters do it.”

“Soomin, on the other hand, is a free-lance photographer for a living. She has more free time then all of us combined.” Mina said, inspecting her camera lens with her tongue between her teeth and furrowed brows.

Taehyung turned to the latter with raised brows. “Freelance? And you take idol pictures in between?”

Soomin grinned, unabashed. She was sitting in a laid back manner, her arms casually thrown over Mina’s chair. “Same idols pay me to take their pictures too. I work for Dispatch part-time.”

Bok Jo produced an offended noise. “How can you? They basically eat up scandals and whatever other bullshit.”

Mina piped up with raised brows, “BUT, their pictures are good.”

“Yeah, whatever still frigging snakes.”

Soomin shrugged. “I don’t do that kind of stuff.”

Bok Jo’s eyes narrowed behind her glasses. “You better. Or you won’t be any better than those saseaengs. All that invading privacy shit is crazy.” She turned toward Taehyung. “What about you new kid? You have a fansite?”

Taehyung blinked, surprised at being addressed. “Uh no, it’s my first time seeing them.” He spent the majority of the conversation listening or zoning out and the others have seldom addressed him. When they just walked in Taehyung tried to slip into the back but the three women noticed and dragged him next to them, laughing about “getting the best shots” and “come on boy you will be right in front of the stage.”

Bok Jo and Mina gaped at him with raised brows, “Really? With that kind of camera?” Bok Jo asked in surprise. “That baby isn’t cheap! Not a lot of pros use it either.”

“Yeah the only one I could think of that uses that camera all the time is Vante but he’s been on hiatus for almost over a year.” Mina mused and probed at Taehyung’s camera. Taehyung smiled sheepishly and pulled the device closer to his lap. He took it on a whim when he went out, thinking of taking a few pictures to commemorate his first fansign and maybe getting a few pictures of BTS’s members on the way.

The last time he used this camera was almost a year ago when he went to visit his grandma on her birthday. Vante’s last photo was of her strawberry fields and Taehyung hadn’t touched it since. Taking out of its box that was stuffed beneath his bed for over 6 months was progress. This was progress.

Taehyung shrugged and let his lips curve upwards slightly beneath his face mask. “I’ve had it for a while.”

The three women exchanged amused glances just as the venue turned dark. Girls scream assaulted Taehyung ears as his eyes shot forward to stare at the stage to witness the 6 members of BTS walk on stage with smiles and waving hands, mics in their hands. Taehyung gulped nervously as Flashes echoed around him. Soomin, Bok Jo and Mina already set off in taking pictures and Taehyung couldn’t help but gape in amazement. Big eyes wide and a wide boxy grin spread across his face as he raises his own camera and took his first picture of 6 smiling men that he has loved and looked up since their debut all those years ago.

The fans begin their fanchant and the boys laugh with bright smiles. Kim Namjoon hair is dark brown and slicked back softly as he greets the crowd, a big smile showing off his dimples. Taehyung can faintly hear faint buzzing in his ears as the crown and noise blend all together. He stares and stares and raises his camera once more, taking picture after picture. Jimin and Hoseok laugh at Seokjin’s joke and wander off to sit down at the table for all 6 members. Yoongi and Jimin shuffle after them with Jungkook in toe, poking the cotton haired elder with a cheeky smile. Picture after picture of grinning boys and bright eyes.

Soomin suddenly leans into Taehyung’s field of vision with glinting eyes. “You are natural.”

With a start he realized that most of the fansite masters have put their cameras down, waiting for the boys to be seated once more and for the event to begin. Taehyung capped his lens with an awkward laugh. “It’s been a while since I’ve taken so many photos.”

“Those are some high-quality ones too.” Bok Joe whistled and slapped him on the back. “Welcome to the family, kid!”

Mina smiled at him over her head with an approving nod and Taehyung felt a feeling he hadn’t felt for a long time bloom in his chest. At this moment he truly felt grateful for Holly sending him those tickets.

Jeon Jungkook was smiling at the fangirl sitting across from him. Her bright pink dyed hair is similar to Jimin’s hair currently suited her well as she gushed to him about her day. The fan signing began without any problems and Jungkook breezed through one signed album and another short conversation quickly enough. Female faces blurred together in a flurry of colours. A break appeared and he waved, smiled and posed for the fansites in the front row while Jimin poked and pulled at Jungkook’s hair, entertaining the crowd.

It was BTS’s first fansign promoting their new album “WINGS”, before their scheduled world tour. To say Jungkook wasn’t excited was an understatement. A week has passed since his mental breakdown in the dorm and to combat against it Jungkook threw himself into practice. His bandmates dragged him away from the dance studio to play games, watch movies, and even play board games once they noticed. All the attention eventually made him antsy so he declined Jimin’s offer to play a video game with him yesterday, instead choosing to bundle up in his bed and watch youtube videos. Namjoon took him aside this morning with a soft gaze. “Gguk, no overworking till you drop okay?”

Jungkook nodded and while all the members played and joked with the makeup artists running around, he drew in his sketchbook instead. Yoongi probed him with his leg when he was applying the finishing touch, “That looks great Jungkook-ah.”

The rappers hair was dark with blue streaks and his gaze was sleepy. Jungkook grinned at the other, “Thanks, hyung.”

He could handle being around the members but sometimes he needed his space. His social battery needed recharging, especially before a fansign.

Jungkook waved goodbye to the pink haired girl, briefly looking down to fix his shirt as the next person sat down in front of him.

“Hello.” A surprisingly deep voice said. Jungkook looked up in surprise. It wasn’t often they saw male fans, especially at a fansign. The boy seemed to be the same height as Jungkook, dark hair hidden in a hat and a face mask covering his lower half. The fan’s eyes, on the other hand, Jungkook could see clearly: One monolid and the other no, dark and big. He found them fascinating.

“Hello,” Jungkook said just as softly, a smile blooming across his face. The male stared at him and then shook his head with eyes crinkling at the sides. The boy was smiling and Jungkook was endeared. “Hi.”

Jungkook laughed at the second greeting, “What’s your name?”

“Taehyung.” The male replied, his voice breathy and low. Jungkook found it oddly appealing his voice. He had never heard such a timbre before.

“Hello Taehyung, I’m Jungkook.”

“I know.”

Jungkook’s lips twitched in a cheeky smile and he pulled the album Taehyung was holding in his hands closer to his side of the table, flipping through the pages and pen in hand. He noted that Taehyung had really nice hands and long fingers.

“First time at a fansign?” Jungkook continued, peaking to see Taehyung staring at the album. The male jerked upwards, eyes wide and nodded quickly.

“First time everything. I’ve never gone to any event or concert actually.” Taehyung murmured, voice soft but reaching Jungkook’s ears perfectly clear in the crowded hall. Taehyung smiled beneath the face mask again, eyes crinkling. “I’ve been BTS’s fan since debut.”

Jungkook grinned in response and leaned forward, chin in hand. “What’s your favourite song?”

Taehyung laughed. No, he giggled and Jungkook was captivated. “I can’t choose.”

“What do you listen most to then?”

Taehyung seemed to think for a moment while looking upwards at the ceiling with a hum. His gaze met Jungkook’s amused one. “Whalien 52 and Jump.”

“Damn those are old.”

Taehyung laughed once more, now a deep and genuine big guffaw. “No, they aren’t.”

Jungkook began to write in the album, taking his time and scribbling a drawing. His eyes glinted as he leaned even farther forward. “Bias?”

Taehyung leaned forward too. His eyes were a shade of deep caramel. “Shouldn’t I be asking the questions, Jungkook-ah?”

Jungkook felt a jolt of surprise at the drop of honorifics but accepted it. He didn’t know how old the other was but he seemed close to his age. He grinned in response. “You seemed kind of nervous.”

“Anyone one would be.” Taehyung mumbled, gaze dropping to stare at his lap. “I’ve been hearing your music for ages and I’ve followed you since debut…You guys mean a lot to me.” He looked up at the last statement, eyes honest and big and full of an emotion Jungkook didn’t know to describe. He often heard from fans how much BTS’s music meant to them. The idolt couldn’t help but appreciate their fans more each time he heard it. Seeing Taehyung’s eyes reflecting a look he saw each day in the mirror made him understand that their music was more than just songs to the fan.

Jungkook noticed one of the staff members out of the corner of his eyes motioning the line to move forward but he ignored them and kept his gaze on the other. Jungkook added another sentence to Taehyung’s album. “Taehyung-“

“Hyung.” The other interrupted with a cheeky raise of his brow. They were dark and bushy, fitting the males face nicely. His veiny hands were hidden under the table and Jungkook leaned forward again, motioning for the other to lean in as well before whispering in Taehyung’s ear.

“Tae-Hyung, can I see your face?”

Taehyung looked at Jungkook with surprised eyes. Their faces were close and Jungkook could hear Taehyung’s breath through the face mask. Maybe calling the other by a nickname was too much but Jungkook didn’t regret blurting it out. It sounded natural on his tongue, the others name. Suddenly one hand appeared and tugged down the black material, revealing a rectangular and slightly bashful smile.

Jungkook eyes widened and he breathed out a tiny, “Wow.”

Taehyung’s cheeks grew tinted and he laughed, standing up to move on. The male’s beauty caught the idol off guard and he couldn’t help his surprised reaction. Jungkook often met fans who were ashamed of their own appearance and hid their faces away from the members at fansigns. He always tried to make those fans as comfortable as he could and to not to be frightened to show their appearance to him. Often their shyness was for nothing: their fans were perfect as they were. But he had never seen a fan with the face of a model, or even an idol himself.

Jungkook grabbed the others hand and pushed the album into the male's grip. “Thank you, Tae-Hyung. I hope I see you again.” He squeezed the others hand, lacing their fingers. The male made him surprisingly comfortable and he spoke to him in ease. “Maybe next time without the face mask.”

Taehyung grinned with bright eyes and squeezed back before letting go and waving. Jungkook’s hand suddenly felt weird without Taehyung’s hand in his grip.

“No Jungkookie, Thank you.”

Jimin leaned into Jungkook’s side once Taehyung left with a curious gaze, “You’ve been talking to him more than 5 minutes. Everything ok?”

Jungkook could only stare at the retreating male figure and think that the “Thank you” Taehyung meant was more than just for the signing. He looked back at his older bandmate and grinned. “Never better.”

[queenboudicaa]

The annuls of the terf part 2

TERF-blocker descends*

 Episode 1: The End of the First War. Scene 3: Cyberspace and public sphere, 2014-5

Feminists: *Educate themselves* *Become increasingly horrified* *Start writing articles nobody fucking reads*

HEY PEOPLE! This shit is mental. There are these people saying being female has nothing to do with being a woman, and that they’re women because they have magic gender essence, and this sounds pretty sexist, and they also say that sex doesn’t exist and given we’ve always thought that that’s the reason we’re oppressed we’re pretty worried this is a bad idea for women and feminism, and now these other people who say they’re feminists are telling us we have to centre people who are not female in our feminism or we’re the oppressors and are going on and on about how we shouldn’t say anything because we’re whorephobic bigots and it’s kind of nuts and people are bullying lesbians to have sex with people with penises and they’re encouraging young people to take hormones that we don’t seem to understand the effects of and we think this is all sketchy as fuck to be honest. What the hell is going on?

Trans activists and intersectional feminists:That woman talking over there is making people unsafe because she is an evil bigot and trans people are the most vulnerable people in the world and she is the oppressor and she is oppressing us by speaking and if she speaks then it is literal violence and it will make people hurt us and we will also hurt ourselves and so you have to stop her speaking and if you don’t stop her speaking then you are also an evil bigot and we are going to tell everyone what evil fucking bigots you are and you wouldn’t want that now so you better stop her speaking right fucking now.

Civic institution: Um, what now?

Trans activists: *Pickets* *Inundates with letters and emails and phone calls* *Goes on twitter and gets a massive pile of people to bombard institution*

Civic institution’s PR people: This makes us look bad.

Civic institution: Okay, we won’t let the bigot speak. I mean, she’s just a feminist, right?

Trans activists: Hurray we are safe! Ding dong the witch is dead!

Feminists: What the fuck? HEY PEOPLE! I was just trying to say something because I think there are some questions here and I think we should really talk about it. I’m not sure people are women just because they have magic woman essence and I think there might be some not good consequences of thinking this.

Trans activists and civic institutions: SHUT UP BIGOTS.

Misogynist child with column in major left-wing newspaper: SHUT UP BIGOTS. YOU’RE THE KIND OF PEOPLE WHO THOUGHT GAY PEOPLE WERE ALL KIDDY FIDDLERS.

Feminists: Um, lots of us are lesbians actually and the rest of us were totally behind gay rights, like, we’ve always been allies, what the hell are you going on about?

Misogynist child with column in major left-wing newspaper: *Blocks all the women objecting* WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY BITCHES.

Woke bros and assorted leftie-misogynists:*Jumping up and down with excitement* WRONG SIDE OF HISTORY UPPITY BITCHES.

Trans activists and civic institutions and leftie newspapers:  REPEAT AFTER US – Trans women are women. Because trans women are women then trans women should be given all the social resources given to other women and if you don’t accept this then you are exclusionary bigots and we’re going to make damn sure everyone knows what terrible terrible people you are and how you shouldn’t be allowed to live or work or speak or write in public. Have you fucking got that???

Feminists: You’re intimidating and silencing us.

Trans activists and leftie newspapers:  No, we’re not. You trigger people by existing and asking questions and having the wrong opinions. You need to shut the fuck up so that everyone is safe. RIGHT NOW.

 Episode 2: Between the Wars. Public sphere, 2015-2017

Feminists: We’re feeling pretty demoralized here…

Trans activists: EXCELLENT. You just sit over there and keep your little lady-mouths shut. *Organise some more* *Take over Stonewall and all the LGBT+ organizations* *Start sending people into school and institutions to explain that people have magic gender essence which sometimes gets trapped in the wrong body* *Bully, harass and no platform any woman who speaks up*

Hey, government. We’ve got this great idea. You know how people think you’re a bunch of assholes who has been driving the economy into the ground and lining rich people’s pockets while you let vulnerable people starve, we’ve got just the ticket for you.

Government: *Ears prick up* Tell us more.

Trans activists: Yeah, all you have to do is change this piece of legislation so we can get our sex changed more easily. The current legislation is really burdensome, and we’re really vulnerable, and it would really help us out, and would totally make you look like you care about marginalized people while costing you fuck all.

Government: Well, that does sound like a boon. Is there a catch?

Trans activists: No, not one. It’s just streamlining an administrative process really.

Government: Okay, come and tell us all about it. Is there anyone else we need to talk to?

Trans activists: No. It doesn’t have any effect on anyone, it’s just paperwork really. JUST MAKE SURE YOU DON’T TALK TO THOSE UPPITY WOMEN OVER THER THEY’RE ALL EVIL BIGOTS WHO WANT TO KILL US.

Government: Oh yes, they do sound like terrible people, how awful for you.

Trans activists: Yes, they’re really horrific. And while we’re at it, you might want to think about removing their rights to single-sex spaces from the Equalities Act because it discriminates against us.

Government: Interesting. Okay, when can you come in?

 Episode 3: The Second War Begins. Scene 1 – Somewhere in Whitehall, 2018

Government: We think we’re going to change the law. Just a little administrative clear up to make life less burdensome for the trans population who, as we know, are terribly vulnerable.

Feminists: You’re going to do what??? Why didn’t you ask us about this?

Government: Yes well, the trans people said it didn’t affect you.

Feminists: THEY SAID WHAT??? Hang on a motherfucking minute.

 Episode 3:  The Witches Strike Back. Scene 2: Cyberspace and public sphere, 2018

Trans activists: REPEAT AFTER US: Trans women are women. Trans women should not be excluded from any spaces women have access to. Anyone who questions that is an exclusionary genocidal racist who is in league with the far right. And by the way, you’re not women anymore, you’re cis women, and we want you to stop talking about your bodies, and we’re going to change all the words in all the literature that has anything to do with you so that everyone understands that being female is not necessary to being a woman, and from now on you are ‘mentruators’ and ‘cervix havers’ and ‘pregnant people.’ Got that?

Women: WOAH. You fucking what? We’re cis-what? And we’re not women anymore, we’re menstruators. We don’t think we like this.

Trans activists: It’s inclusive.

Women: Well, it sounds dehumanising as all hell to us.

Trans activists: Shut up cis people, you are the oppressors. These are the new words for you.

Women: Don’t we get to decide which words we use for ourselves?

Trans activists: No, you are the oppressors, if you do not accept these new words you are oppressing us.

Women: We’re oppressing you by wanting to be called women??? What the hell is….

Trans activists: BIGOTS! These are your new words. You are cis women, and we are trans women. We are both just different types of women, except we’re more oppressed than you so you have to do what we say. Look, there’s nothing you can do about it, the government already agrees with us, see?

Women: The government already agrees with you? What?

Trans activists: Yes. REPEAT AFTER US: Trans women are women. The government believes this and is going to change the law so that we can be legally recognised as female if we sign a piece of paper that says we have magic woman essence…

Women: What??? This can’t be right. Surely someone would have said something about this? Where are the feminists? Feminists, is this right?

Feminists: U-huh. We were trying to….

Women: What are the implications of this???

Feminists: *montage of charts and essays* *three weeks later*

Women: Fuck this shit. We need to do something.

Feminists: YES. WE. DO.

Feminists and radicalized women and intersex people and transsexuals and concerned parents and gay men who are realizing something’s up and some straight male allies:EVERYONE HOLD HANDS AND PUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLL.

The press: The women seem to be making a shit-ton of noise about something? Why are there stickers of cocks everywhere??? What on earth is going on?

Trans activists and the left-wing press:NOTHING, THEY’RE BIGOTS.

Most of the press: Oh, okay.

A few journalists: *Digging around* What the actual fuck??????

Feminists and allies: EVERYONE KEEP PUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLING. IT’S MOVING.

Trans activists: BURN THE WITCHES BURN THE WITCHES BURN THE WITCHES.

Feminists: Ha, yeah, we’re not so scared of you and your words now are we? There’s a ton of us here. And people are starting to listen. EVERYONE. C’MON. PUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

Trans activists: BURN THE WITCHES BURN THE WITCHES BURN THE WITCHES.

Women and allies: PUUUUULLLLLLLLL.

Feminists watching from around the world:Hell yes! PUUUUULLLLLLLLL.

Women and allies: KEEP FUCKING PUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLING.

Trans activists: BURN THE WITCHES BURN THE WITCHES BURN THE WITCHES.

Government: Lah-lah-lah.

A few journalists: Um actually, we had a little look at this thing, and we think the women might have a point.

Trans activists: NO THEY DON’T THEY’RE WITCHES BURN THEM BURN THEM.

A few journalists: Now, come on, there is a proposed change to law, and this is a democracy, and they have some arguments that seem quite compelling, and there have been some things that have happened recently that seem to suggest that maybe there’s some substance to their concerns, and it seems like we should think this through.

Trans activists: NO DEBATE. BURN THEM BURN THEM.

A few journalists: We’re not sure that’s really helping your case. We think we’re going to start covering this in more depth.

Trans activists: YOU CAN’T LISTEN TO THEM THEY’RE WITCHES. IF YOU DON’T GIVE US WHAT WE WANT WE’LL KILL OURSELVES.

Women and allies:PUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLL. IT’S MOVING IT’S MOVING!!!!!!!

Feminists watching from around the world:PUUUUULLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

Major left-wing newspaper that has been steadfastly quiet: *ostentatiously clears throat* Um, actually we think the women might have a point.

Women and allies: *BACKFILPS*

Trans activists and allies at home and abroad:OMFG why is the British media so full of evil bigots??????

Women and allies: *Lying in a bundle panting* Whatfuckingever asshats.

[yoosungiib]

Could I request the RFA + Minor Trio rushing home because someone told them pregnant MC was crying and upset over something? Thank you!

I most certainly can! Thank you so much for your patience, darling!~ I hope you enjoy!

RFA + Minor Trio rushing home due to hearing pregnant!MC was crying and upset

~~~

★ Yoosung ★

He really shouldn’t be leaving the hospital, not now, not when he has two surgeries to perform and prepare for in a little under three hours,

But when he receives a text from Zen after Yoosung asked him to check in on you, that he found you upset, Yoosung is dropping everything, grabbing Lisa, his keys, and rushing through the hospital doors to his car, and speeding home like a mad man.

“Y-yes, I’ll be back soon- yeah, I know, but I need to make sure my wife is ok. I’ll be back in less than an hour- hey! Don’t yell at me, I don’t like it.”

He’s admittedly anxious knowing that you are upset. Generally, he doesn’t like to know that you are upset in any circumstance, but it’s only because you are pregnant that he is rushing home.

Having studied medicine, he knows that there are two possibilities to why you are upset; your hormones are a mess, or something happened - and if it’s that something happened, he’s concerned for not only you but the baby.

What if your blood pressure gets too high due to any distress, and something happens to you or the child? Or what if whatever is making you upset has to do with the baby?

All these possibilities going through his head causes him to nearly miss his turning home.

He pushes through the front door, calling your name a few times until you finally appear from behind a doorway, a tub of ice cream in your hand, and your swollen stomach very prodent. Yoosung sighs a breath of relief seeing that you look fine, and relaxed if anything. “Yoosung? You’re home much earlier than I thought you would be,” you say quietly, a small smile on your face.

“Zen told me you were upset so I rushed home.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t have done that~ I’m fine now, honey.”

“Now?” Yoosung asks, violet eyes widening. “What happened earlier?” he asks, walking closer to you so he can cup your face. There is such concern in his eyes and with the expression on his face, that it warms your heart so much, and you can’t help but smile.

“Emotions, I guess,” You answer quietly, wrapping your arms around Yoosungs neck so you can pull him down, closer to you, and can rest your forehead against his. “But I’m fine now, Yoosung, you should really go back to work.”

Yoosung pouts, though he knows you are right - as said, he has two surgeries to perform today. “Ok, Cutie. I will try to be home as soon as the surgeries are over ok. Please keep me on speed dial, and call Zen if you need anything immediate.”

“I’m pregnant, Yoosung, not incapable.”

He giggles, pressing a kiss to your temple before leaving. And don’t get me wrong, he still makes a call to Seven asking him to watch you through the cameras on the computers, just in case you happen to get upset again, and he can make sure he’s home to be there for you.

♪ Zen ♪

His pregnant girlfriend crying? The second the words, “she’s crying,” leaves Yoosung’s lips over the phone, he is frozen in spot, script in the other hand, his mouth gaping, and scarlet eyes wider than saucers.

He quickly says into the phone that he will be there soon, hangs up then runs off to find his director, explaining the situation.

“Is she ok?” the director asks, at first with lots of concern.

“I don’t know, she’s crying, o-or upset.”

“Upset?” The diretor asks, becoming less tense, and now a little annoyed that Zen is trying to leave over such a small thing, in his personal opinion. “My wife was pregnant three times, and I can tell you she had may emotional moments. I can assure you your girlfriend is probably fine, and something just set her off-”

Something will be set off in a moment “Please, Sir,” Zen interrupts, voice lower than usual and little more grave than the director is used to. “I understand why you may think this is irrational of me, but please, I have to make sure she is ok. In such a state she is weak, and needs me at the moment. Something could be more serious, and it isn’t right for me to presume just because she is pregnant and emotional that something isn’t seriously wrong. I promise I’ll come back if she is alright.” Zen does not let his director give him a chance to say anything, and instead is rushing past him, bumping into a few others and numbly apologizing to them before he’s out the door, putting his helmet on and jumping on his motorcycle.

The ride home, Zen has to keep himself calm, and focused on the road in front of him. Though concern is the only thing he is feeling, he knows if he is not careful and lets that concern cloud his mind too much, he could get into a serious accident, and that would make everything worse all together.

To distract himself from that concern, he takes note on everything that he sees on the ride home - things he wouldn’t normally take note of when driving. He focuses on the wind through his hair. He focuses on the radio playing, though it’s hard to hear considering he is going so fast.

He’s home before he knows it, and busting through the door, looking around for you until he spots you on the couch, sitting casually eating ice cream. “Babe?”

You jump a little, startled by his voice and not expecting him to be home so early, but a wide grin dances across your face, and you put the tub of ice cream down and move to push yourself off the couch to greet Zen.

Seeing you struggling, Zen quickly makes way to your side, taking a gentle hold of your smaller hands and pulling you to your feet, steadying you on the ground. “Zen! I wasn’t expecting you to be home, sweetie. This is such a nice surprise, but I thought you had rehearsals till 11 tonight. Were you let out early?”

Zen sighs, finding comfort in your cheery voice and the smile on your face, since he now realizes that you are ok. “Zen?” you ask, your own hint of concern in your voice. His face looks relaxed, but you can tell it was once tense. “Are you ok, love?”

“Of course, Jagiya. But I came home because I thought you were upset.”

“U-upset? Oh, was it what Yoosung told you?”

Zen nods and you smile slightly, letting go of one of his hands to cup his face, your thumb pressing the smooth skin of his cheek bone. “You didn’t rush home, did you? I’m so sorry, Zenny. I’m really fine. Let’s just say I had what you might call, ‘a moment,’ and broke down a little. But really, it was just my emotions running wild.”

Zen laughs, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck, but keeping one hand on you to steady you. “I guess my director was right then. He told me not to rush home.”

“Yes, he was, but I guess this was my fault.”

“No, no, Jagiya, don’t blame yourself. I think with your condition… both of us are on edge. You are just so close now,” he says, his hands moving to hold your stomach, swollen after 9 months, “and about to pop, that when I heard you were upset, I just thought maybe… something was wrong or it was time.”

You grin, leaning up to press your lips gently againsts his, then pulling him in for a tight hug so you can rest your ear against his heart and keep your arms wrapped around him. “I’m ok now, Zen. You should really go back to work.”

“Yes, you’re right.”

Though he goes back to work, and though he knows you are fine, he still can’t help but worry about you for the rest of the day. He is constantly checking you and even asks Yoosung to come back and just stay with you until he gets home.

He knows chances of anything happening to you is slim, but he doesn’t want to risk it, especially if it means he can’t be home from rehearsal for at least another 5 hours.

❀ Jaehee ❀

Ever since the artificial insemination, Jaehee has been a little on edge about your pregnancy; whenever a single tear is shed, or an ounce of a little discomfort is present on your face, though usually calm, she is now always quick to panic. 

You can tell her it’s just something in your eye, but she’s freaking out and wiping the tear away with her thumb, then pressing a gentle kiss to where the tear spilt,

Or the little discomfort was from stepping on something, but she is still panicking and checking your foot.

She’ll find herself shaking her head, and muttering, “This isn’t like me. I’m always calm in these type of situations.” But then she takes into the consideration that the difference between other situations of you crying, or in pain, hasn’t been with another human inside of you, so she finds some comfort in her rationalization.

That doesn’t change the fact though that when she finds out you’ve apparently had a meltdown at Zen’s apartment - not a large one, but still a breakdown - she’s frantically trying to find a waiter to cover her shift at the cafe so she can rush to his apartment and find out what the hell is wrong.

She tries to tell herself, “This is just you overreacting a little, she is probably fine. Just her hormones running wild,” and yet while she tells herself that, she is still awkwardly trying to get her coat on, messing up a few times in putting her arms through the holes, before rushing to her car.

Gets to Zen’s apartment in less than ten minutes, and is bouncing on her heels as she knocks on the door a few times.

He opens the door, greets her, but immediately is cut off but Jaehee asking, “MC is ok, right?”

Zen chuckles, though his laugh dies down when he sees Jaehee not amused, not like she would usually be around him, and he leads her to you in his bed don’t get the wrong idea, hmm asleep. Jaehee sighs, rubbing her forehead.

“This isn’t like you, Jaehee,” Zen says. “You are normally very calm and reasoned about everything. I remember you barely bat an eye when MC injured herself at the beach and needed to be taken to the hospital. But since the pregnancy, it’s like the smallest things that happens to MC, not only sets her off but you.”

Jaehee nods, agreeing with the actor - he’s right after all. She is usually always the one to be well put and calm in any type of situation. But all of a sudden, she is the least bit calm, especially in times when she needs to be calm.

“I can’t be like this when the baby is born, Zen- I can’t.”

She is a little caught off guard when Zen suddenly wraps an arm around her shoulder and pulls her against him so she’s able to rest her head on his shoulder. She sighs, and takes a deep breath, and consoles in her friend while she watches you peacefully sleep - safe and sound, alright, happy.

☂ Jumin ☂

No doubt about it, Jumin is the one to freak out the most when it comes to hearing of his pregnant wife crying in the penthouse. Jaehee received a call from one of the guards stationed at the penthouse - he informed her of your present state as a crying woman in the kitchen.

When she asked why you were crying, the guard responded honestly, which was that he had no idea. One minute you were fine, making a cup of tea, and suddenly you were bursting into tears, and the poor guard was dumbstruck and didn’t know what to do either then to call Jaehee to inform Jumin.

Jaehee was hesitant about telling Jumin since she knows him almost better than anyone, and she knows the second he hears you’ve been crying, he’ll be dropping all of his work to get back to the penthouse to you.

But she also knows that not telling him would overall be a terrible idea, because chances are it could cost her her job if he finds out she hid this, what he would call crucial, information.

As she expected, the moment the words left her lips that a guard called to deliver the information you were at home upset and crying, he was dropping everything.

He cancelled all of this upcoming meetings or that day, ordered for Driver Kim to come and pick him up, and then he was calling you to tell you he was on his way home.

Made it home in no over ten minutes, and was inside the house making a beeline to the kitchen, past all of the guards and to you in the center of the room by the cupboards. A few guards were actually there, awkwardly trying to comfort you since you continued to cry.

He pushed them out of the way and wrapped his arm around you, pulling you into him so your head rested on his chest, and you could hear the steady beat of his heart; you can feel his warmth radiating off of him, and his chin resting on the top of your head. “I’m here now, my love. Are you alright? Do you need an ambulance.”

“No,” you sniffle, clutching onto his suit. “I don’t know why I started crying, Jumin. I just suddenly became sad.”

“From my research, this is just a symptom of your pregnancy - your hormones are reacting, and you have no control of your emotions. This is perfectly normal, MC. You will be alright.”

“I’m sorry that you left work. I wanted to tell the guards I was fine but I couldn’t seem to find the words.”

Jumin smiled, and bent down to kiss the top of your head lightly. “It’s quite alright, darling.”

Jumin spends the rest of the day with you lounging on the couch, watching some of your favorite movies and ordering your favorite foods.

☺ Seven/Saeyoung ☺

If you think he is actually out of the bunker, you are wrong, but he was in the other room working on a new project when he heard the sudden whimpers coming from the kitchen. The crying did not sound like Saeran, and definitely did not sound like Vanderwood’s, so he knew at that moment his pregnant wife was the one crying in the kitchen,

And he was practically tossing the project - a new robo cat - across the room, pushing himself off the ground and stumbling over his feet a little bit as he runs to the kitchen.

He was in the kitchen in lickity-split time, skidding in and to your side, gently but grabbing your face in his hands and cupping your soggy cheeks. Up close, he can see how red your eyes are, can feel the tear streaks against his thumbs as he holds your face, and you’re hiccuping in front of him as you try to reign in your emotions. “Ok, honey, you’re going to be alright, whatever it is, you’re ok.”

“Sa-aeyoung,” you cry.

“Shh, shh, just let it out, and then we’ll talk about it.”

He lets you cry into his chest, and doesn’t care if you slobber or get mascara on his favorite jacket; all that matters to him at that very moment is comforting you. He rubs your back, pets your hair, rocks you a little back and forth until you’ve calmed down; whole time very careful and aware of your prudent stomach - and sits you in a chair and kneels before you, hands on your knees to still give you comfort.

“Ok, baby, can you tell me what’s wrong?”

“I-I broke a nail,” you say, and Seven stares at you for a few moments before breaking out laughing, holding his stomach as he rolls on ground. “Saeyoung, it’s not funny. You know how hard it was for Searan to paint my nails, and it feels all his hard work went down the drain,” you pout, crossing your arms over your chests.

Seven wipes at the tears forming in his eyes from laughing before getting back on his knees and rubbing your legs again. “I’m sorry, honey. But you broke a nail? That was so funny. Hey, MC,” he says, still chuckling as you turn your face away from him to hide the fact you can feel more hor tears brimming in your eyes. He reached up and gently cups your chin, turning your face back towards him. “I’m sorry. I know you’re emotions have been a little haywire lately. Come on, let’s go see what everyone is doing, huh? Wanna pull a prank on Vanderwood? I’m sure that will make you smile!”

Might make you smile but not Vanderwood, Seven.

❆ V ❆

He is at his studio, you, are with Jumin since V asked you stay with him when he’s a work - just in case there is ever an emergency. There was not an emergency, however, Jumin still called V a little overwhelmed when you suddenly began crying uncontrollably watching a movie,

And he couldn’t find a way to get you to stop. Over the phone, he said he tried rubbing your arms and giving you tissues, even put Elizabeth the 3rd in your lap, but you continued to cry, overwhelmed with emotions from the film, therefore leaving him, as said, completely overwhelmed.

V drops everything and says into the phone very calmly that he will be there as soon as possible.

He quickly closes up the studio, apologizes to his assistant for sending her home early though he doubts they are complaining and promises to give her a pay raise for any troubles it caused them for being sent home early.

Tries not to speed since he knows if he’s not safe and careful on the road, and if anything happens to him, definitely will make things only worse - worst case scenario, he gets killed in car crash, and you are left alone pregnant with his child.

He arrives at the penthouse and guards on standby bring him up and through the house, until they finally lead him to you, and poor Jumin awkwardly biting his thumb. You seem to have calmed down substantially, however, there is still evidence of you crying. You are frantically whipping at your face, and your body jolts every few often due to your hiccuping.

V is beside you immediately, wrapping his arm around your shoulder gently and carefully pulling you to his side. “My love? Are you alright?” he asks gently.

“Yes, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

V chuckles, rubbing your arms a little and pressing a kiss to your temple. “It’s your emotions messing with you, darling. This happens during pregnancies - your hormones can be a little crazy.”

“I’m sorry that I caused trouble with you and Jumin.”

“Not at all, my love. I will take you home now, alright, and we’ll spend the rest of the day together. Hopefully, there will be no more tears today though.”

V drives you back home and for the rest of the day, the two of you relax together, build puzzles and talk about all the things in the world to talk about until you finally fall asleep on his laugh - and poor boy struggles to carry you to bed now that you are pregnant, and there happens to be twins inside of you.

☻ Saeran/Unknown ☻

The worst day for him to ever get a call informing him his pregnant girlfriend is crying and upset is Fridays, because Fridays are always the busiest at the ice cream parlor. It’s finally the weekend so everyone wants to start it off with a nice cone of ice cream,

And Saeran tends to not mind that, besides the few anxieties, since for one it’s good for business, and two, makes him feel like he’s doing something right with the ice cream that many people continue to come for the cool treat.

He never likes to be away from you for too long, so he’s always home by 5, having the other workers keep the parlor running a little longer. But he always works late Friday nights, so while the clock aimlessly ticks, and he serves ice cream after ice cream, Seven now home in all pieces watches over you and keeps you company.

Whilst taking a quick bathroom break, Saeran texts his brother asking how you are, and telling him that he will be closing the parlor soon.

He expected his brother to respond with something weird or stupid, or maybe, just maybe something funny,

Not: “She’s good now, though she had this huge breakdown about thirty minutes ago. She’s locked herself in the bedroom and won’t let me in :(((( when are you gonna be home, I have a new game to play and Yoosungs busy.” Seven, honey, not the time.

Saeran nearly drops his phone in the toilet, rushing to pull his pants back up and texting that he’s on his way home. The other workers - two of them, and both teenagers - are confused as Saeran hurriedly tells them they’ll have to close up the parlor for him.

“Mr. Choi? Is something wrong?”

“I need to get home to my wife, I think she’s upset!”

“It’s probably just hormone’s if she’s pregnant-”

“No!” Saeran say, shaking his head and awkwardly trying and failing to get his coat on. “I can’t just presume that. I need to go and make sure she’s alright. I apologize, I’ll work both your shifts tomorrow.”

Generally, whenever he hears of you being sad, it happens to be with you why you cry, he gets extremely concerned and frazzled since he doesn’t always no what to do to help. And not only that, he can’t bare the thought of you crying - and if he’s witnessing you cry, then he is practically tripping over his feet trying to comfort you.

So you being upset while pregnant is a whole other level - what if something is wrong with the baby? What if you are in pain? What if he can’t do anything to help you?

All this worry nearly causes him to crash his car, and he has to take a breather to tell himself if he’s dead, he certainly won’t be able to help you then.

Has a small debate with himself on whether or not he should quickly grab some flowers from the garden for you, but as he realizes he’s just wasting time thinking over the flowers when there is a high possibility you are crying in the bedroom, he mutters a hesitant, “Fuck it,” before shoving the door open and bursting through the house.

Saeyoung jumps at the sound of the door opening then slamming, and he practically flies three feet in the air, the game controller he had slipping from his hands. A cheeky grin stretches on his face as he exclaims, “Good, you’re here! Now there’s a second play-OW!”

“Idiot brother! I asked you to look over her, and you’re letting her cry in her bedroom?”

Saeyoung sheepishly scratches at the back of his head where his brother smacked him. “I did comfort her! She wasn’t crying when she went to her room.”

“Idiot,” he groans under his breath, deciding not to prolong into any more of a trivious conversation, and instead go to you, making sure you are ok for god’s sake.

Outside the door of your shared bedroom, Saeran gently knocks on the wood before quietly asking, “Flower? Are you in there?”

He hears a gasp, then the sound of ruffling sheets, and before he can turn the knob, you are opening the door and flinging your arms around him chirping in a cheerful voice, “Saeran!” you’re big belly pressing up against his stomach. He wraps his arms around you, hand immediately going to stroke your hair. “You’re home early!” You respond happily. Saeran pulls back to cup your face; though you are smiling brightly and there is a sparkle in your eyes, he can see the tear streaks on your face, confirming your were crying.

“Flower, what’s wrong?” he asks, caressing your cheeks with his thumbs.

“Wrong?” you asked confused, your arms still around him.

“I can tell you’ve been crying. Did something happen? Are you hurt? My brother didn’t do anything stupid, right?”

You chuckled lightly, removing his hands from your face so you can hold them in yours, squeezing them lightly. “Saeran, it was silly. I’m sorry, I had no idea Saeyoung would tell you and you would come rushing home.”

“No, whatever it is, it is not silly.”

“Saeran…,” you say, laughing breathlessly. “I was crying over the fact there were no cookies left.”

Saeran’s face falls and he lets out a small, “Oh,” staring at the ground embarrassed. You grin, standing on your toes to kiss both cheeks, and you relish at how red his face becomes. “I’m so sorry, Sarean. I didn’t mean to drag you from work. This is my fault, I shouldn’t have gotten so upset over something so-”

“Hey,” Saeran says cutting you off, touching your lips gently with the pad of his thumb. “Don’t apologize. What matters to me is that you are ok,” he says, pulling you in for a hug so he can stroke your hair once again, enjoy your warmth, and your scent. “And I promise I will get us cookies tomorrow, alright?”

“Thank you, Saeran,” you say, smiling into his chest.

Not much of a surprise, but the nice moment between you two is ruined by Saeyoung asking once again for someone to play his damn game with him

“Look, I asked for Yoosung, but he’s busy with Zen tonight, so it has to be one of you two to play.

“We all know Vanderwood wont!”

✌ Vanderwood ✌

I won’t go home, I won’t go home, I won’t go home,

I’m going home.

He told himself that freaking out would not make anything better, and that being irrational such as dropping everything at work - his new job for that matter - was not a good idea. But how could he just continue to work as if Seven had not just called him to keep him updated on your well being, and mentioned how you had been crying in the bedroom earlier, refusing to come out.

He knew, oh he knew, it was probably just your hormones much crazier and much more eratic than usual due to the pregnancy, and probably whatever it was was nothing,

And yet not only five minutes after did he hang up the phone was he packing up his things and closing up his office, before telling this boss it was a family emergency. Family emergency my ass, he thought to himself. Damn, he just needed to get home and make sure you were alright.

Seven didn’t mention whether you were out of your room yet or not - what if there was still something wrong, or you were still upset? He took deep breaths as he turned on his car, and told himself if anything was seriously wrong, like with the baby, and not just a breakdown on your part, Seven would have told him.

He parks his car and trudges into the bunker, surprising Seven who sits on the couch with Saeran under a blanket and eating his ice cream, completely unmoved by the sudden presence of Vanderwood. “You’re done with work already? Ah! Has madam come to clean up the-”

“Is she still in the bedroom?” Vanderwood cuts him off, ignoring the madam comment he hates so much since all that is on his mind is you and your well being.

Seven stutters a bit before saying yes but clarifying that you are no longer crying, just whenever he knocks on the door, telling him to please leave you some time for yourself. Before Seven can say anymore, Vanderwood is curtly nodding before heading to the bedroom door, and knocking on the hardwood. “Seven, please, I know you must be worried but I’m fine. Please leave me alone.”

“It’s not Seven,” Vanderwood says, and he hears it go silent on the other side before there is shuffling feet and the door being opened.

He can tell by how red your eyes are that you have definitely been crying, but there is a smile on your face as you look up at your boyfriend - even if there is a frown on his, his face is so charming, and such a warm company. “Are you alright?” He asks.

“Yes, of course. What are you doing home so early? Don’t you have work.”

He makes a ‘tch’ noise, entering the room and closing the door behind him. The two of you sit on the edge of the bed, fingers gently brushing against each other. “Seven said something up so I came home.”

A warm smile appeared on your face, and you reached over to cup his cheek, which of course caused a bright crimson blush to appear and he was quick to try and turn his face away, still not liking to show what he sees as a weakness in front of you. “You didn’t have to do that, honey,” you say, and the blush grows brighter “I’m fine, really. Just had a moment.”

“A moment?”

“Yes, I’m sure you know I’ve been a rollercoaster of emotions since this pregnancy. I admit, I started crying over not being able to put my sock on, and I just needed to be away from everyone. Silly, right? I know.”

“No,” Vanderwood says, surprising himself a little because it is silly. “You can’t control your hormones right now. Your body is… changing and adapting due to the little person that is growing inside of you.” It felt odd to say that, but it was true, and he wasn’t going to let you blame yourself for anything, especially if you are unable to control these waves of emotions. “Don’t be hard on yourself, it’s fine. If anything, I was the one who acted silly, rushing home when I knew deep down it would just be an episode with crazed emotions.”

Instead of going back to work, Vanderwood stays home with you for the rest of the day, cuddled with you in the bedroom, and constantly yelling at Seven through the door to leave you both the hell alone. Though still a very stoic man who tries to keep a facade of no sentiment - he’s incredibly loving and gentle with you for the rest of the day. Every so often pressing a kiss to your temple, keeping a hand gently on your swollen stomach, and whispering a few words of love to you in your ear.

If there is one thing you enjoy about being pregnant, is this affection you don’t normally get from Vanderwood.

Though you can’t wait to get the damn baby out of you, you know you’ll miss this.

~~~

Requests are closed right now, but to find rules of requests you can check out my masterlist page!A coffee please? ;) ~ Support Me HereReblogs and comments appreciated!! ღゝ◡╹)ノ♡

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

Hey, I’m the anon that asked panicsinning about the daddy thing. I’m seeing it in a significant portion of the fics I try to read at the minute (not just Brendon fics, but I seem to find more of them with him!) and I’m not into it at all. It kinda sucks. There are so many other ways to write a dominant Brendon, if that’s what people want, but as soon as I see the daddy thing I gotta close the tab like no thank u. And especially if he’s said it makes him uncomfortable

i think we’re dealing with the fall out of a generation of 90s and 2000s people raised on internet porn. i’ve noticed–this is evident on wattpad n tumblr especially–that a lot of smut is written by junior high n high school girls too, whose go to source is other smut fics by youn’uns n internet porn. like you could see that at work too on aooo n livejournal, but that stuff tended to be more grounded in real life experience/realistic n the writers skewed older–late teens n 20s on those–recorded porn was also less…fucked up in the 90s-early 00s n things that are mainstream now used to be fringe n avoidable. another thing i’ve noticed in fics: lack of solidarity with other women and girls–a lot of monstering of other females, who are usually portrayed as “whores” (this has a long history though–i remember the good girl/bad girl dichotomy in a lot of romance novels, vc andrews books, etc–tv shows n movies based around conflict between girls, the idea that women and girls are crueler to girls than boys are when the reverse is true, women getting angry at the “other woman” and not their dickhead men)

(trigger warning for me ranting about the content of pornography, the sexual status quo, etc)

i watched straight porn from about 8-12 from 95-99 and i don’t remember ever seeing pia for example. porn is now absolutely obsessed with men anally penetrating women with their dicks (if you are on a porn site, you will quickly see it guaranfuckingteed), particularly the damage that can result from it (eg “gaping,” women saying they can’t handle it *on camera* and the scene still continuing, “she’ll need an ambulance when we’re done with her”). there wasn’t much “deep throat”/”throat fucking” fellatio (i hate those terms–we are looking at throat rape) either, but now porn is obsessed with that too. it also used to be more about showing at least the performance of female pleasure and orgasm (usually faked of course) but now that is largely irrelevant and clear indications of pain are not only kept in, but intentionally there. piv that’s not a cervix bashing is hard to find, scenes without piv even harder (and they’re usually brief clips), and “sex” for men generally and pornographers in particular starts at piv–like if there isn’t at least “regular fucking” it doesn’t even register as sexual and worth watching to most.

“vanilla porn” has a lot of bdsm themes in it as discussed above as well as slapping, spitting, ejaculating on women’s faces, misogynist namecalling, “ass to mouth” and the hetero bdsm porn online is absolutely–we’re talking witch hunt and slavery levels of torture. in both, women are punished for the crime of being born female. based in aggrieved male entitlement–like men are punishing women for having any boundaries, desires of their own, telling them no outright or no to certain sex acts. any sexuality in women reduced to “fuck hole” (or a dewey eyed bisexual–tropes around female-female sexuality in porn are more varied i will admit but ultimately about viewer, typically male, titillation. femdom is also usually paid for by the man, and all about what he wants, and most of the domination and pain is both mild in comparison to what women are put through and based in feminizing him–comparing him to a woman, calling him gay, saying he has a small “ineffective” dick, calling his anus a pussy, etc. women are also often in absolutely ridiculous uncomfortable outfits n shoes.). a lot of humiliation, dom/sub–it’s really difficult for me to watch but it’s like men are in a contest with each other, expressing sexuality together, with women as the targets–seeing who can humiliate and hurt women the most–make her wish she’d never been born. man=sadist, and female=hole. (and a lot of the women making porn play that same game too.)

under this, girls are developing their sexuality, with the above porn online, and either just a general lack of information from school and parents, or a specifically religious tinge to discussions of sexuality as being sinful, shameful in women (and gay/bi men). sex=piv=sex, and pia is 5th base and you shouldn’t have hang ups about fucking bc it’s what girls and women are made for and like. things that women can do together don’t get transferred to sex with men at all, or at best MAY make it in as foreplay–sex is pole in hole, silly ho–not rubbing off on him (esp if you want to rub on a part or in a position that makes him feel like a girl), or getting oral, or masturbating in front of him, or him using his hand on you, or using toys together… women and girls are the gatekeepers for male sexuality and responsible for men’s actions and either natural saints or whores who need to either save men from the bad women (who deserve what men do to them, regardless of how cruel or sadistic or destructive–she wanted it if it happened at all–made him do it) or embrace their roles as cumsluts (liberated sexuality is doing what the pornographers tell you to, you go girl and suck that cock and have piv while you have few if any orgasms, don’t even feel that turned on and comfortable, and just put on a good show! lol don’t you know that focusing on yr clit n vulva is for masturbation and girl-girl action, if you focus on that silly part at all. or just rub your clit while he’s using whichever of your holes he wants–the sex positive solution. or spend years thinking you’re broken, to find out not orgasming during piv is normal, and just continue having it n taking hormonal birth control n praying for your period to arrive on time.)

there is a lot telling women and girls to find dangerous, possessive, sadistic, controlling, etc men sexy, and obviously this works–increasingly women are consuming porn, the success of the twilight novels, 50 shades of abusive gaslighting n pitying the poor poor dude who is just a hurt puppy (who can fucking kill you), advising already traumatized women to “work through their trauma” with a male sadist/top, telling women and girls that “daddy kink” is hot as fuck (ignore the fact that father-daughter incest is probably statistically the most traumatic form of child sexual abuse there is n hide it behind “it’s just a bit of kinky fun n letting him feel like a real man n letting you surrender to yourself n letting him take care of you” gaslighting), the whole mess of “sex positive feminism” (this is not what anne koedt, shere hite, audre lorde, etc were talking about folks) and repainting feminism (the fight for women’s liberation from patriarchy and the end of male violence) as about consumerist choices (particularly around conforming to beauty standards, partaking in prostitution industries) and saying women are not a class and women aren’t oppressed because of male desire to control our sexuality and reproduction but because we have inner feminine souls/brains and if you’re not a walking stereotype n don’t feel like one you’re not really female n sex is a free for all n not political at all (except for slutshaming bc women often are what men call us n shouldn’t be shamed for it–we should embrace it as empowerment) n trust women unless they say something you don’t agree with then they are monsters who kill with their words unlike men (even the ones who do kill) who aren’t why we feel unsafe (those bad women over there made them do it n besides, women are worse than men)… 

holy fuck this is quite the rant! i need to get back to writing the smutty times with beebs ;)

tl;dr this environment is ripe for girls finding “daddy kink” sexy because it encapsulates more explicitly what flows through our everyday sexual lives, media, etc. already. like the question shouldn’t be “why are some into daddy kink” but “why is there an intense focus on dom/sub, top/bottom, adult/child, male/female, penetrator/penetrated… dichotomies and roles in the first place?” or “how could so many *not* be drawn to it?” i remember reading explicit romance novels and this dom/sub, piv-oriented, etc relation was as common as air in them (they were generally way worse than graphic western novels n even worse than a lot of recorded porn back then), even the ones where the women were into equality outside of the bedroom. you can also see this in gay porn, where there is also this focus on pia and top/bottom roles, changing the way gay men have sex outside of porn too–like older gay/bi men see pia and roles attached to it as far less pivotal in their understanding and experience of sex than young gay/bi men do. (jesus christ gal get back on topic…) 

daddy/little (or kitten or princess or slut or…) confirms the way things should be: male control, authority, female deference, submission, etc. independence in women is punished. female desire for sexual pleasure and affection is denigrated. the amount of fics where women are punished or shamed for masturbating in front of him or on her own or rubbing herself on him by the daddy/dom! i can’t even… told not to, called bad for doing it…had their hand slapped away…physically punished for doing it. it’s seen as a distraction from the man’s Very Important Stuff at best, whether that stuff is nonsexual or what he wants to do to her sexually. sexuality is presented as a punishment for women (not so far from god’s condemnation of eve are we?), but something we desire simultaneously. like we should be punished for wanting, as if our wanting men or a man means we should be hurt by him/them. spanking is a humiliation and pain ritual a la abusive fathers with belts/forceful hands/tree branches/whips through the patriarchal ages, creating welts and tears and humiliation. females are *done to* and males *do*. even sucking dick becomes something men do to women by pushing her head down, pushing into her throat, etc as tears well up. outside of fic, women take painkillers and use numbing gels to endure it. the sexiest women are like little girls, and the sexiest men are controlling fathers. men *have to* hurt us, to let us know what we did wrong, so we can try to behave better next time. women need someone telling them what to do, when to do it, how to do it. telling us and showing us what we are for. men need to feel like real men, and women like real women–nothing is worse than an uppity woman making a man feel like a he’s not an avatar of masculinity, or however he sees himself–quit trying to emasculate men, unless they are into forced feminization of course n are paying for you to do what they want you to, are topping from the bottom. never challenge male self-image, especially in sex. know your place, and tell yourself you are precious, and cared for, and pampered by a benevolent master. daddy kink is the sexiest sex to ever sex, n vanilla is just so boring… why settle for lights out missionary piv when you can be choked n slapped n entered anally? those are your two choices. you’re not a prude are you? quit being so sex negative. quit policing these wild sexy desires in people. quit erasing and killing us with anything you might think or say to contradict this.

we live in a world where men get away with murdering women based on “rough sex gone wrong” defenses, even to the point where people think it reasonable that a native woman in prostitution bled to death after “consensual” piv with a john (when he likely sliced open the inside of her vagina with a knife based on the extent of her injury, let alone the belief that lethal injury can be consented to period let alone within prostitution), athletes are acquitted of rape when they gang rape a woman into several hours of bleeding from a vaginal injury (and she named it rape from the get go, the men were bragging and trying to get her to keep quiet), wives are murdered by boyfriends in “50 shades games gone wrong” that *she* wanted (considering she is the dead one not him...), people think *unconscious* women and girls are “consenting” whether strangled into unconsciousness or drugged or sleeping..., and another woman was literally choked to death during throat rape by the man she loved (the focus in that courtroom and the media? His allegedly big dick--how could he have helped himself, not killed her, with such a big cock? Injuring women with big dicks is so entertaining n humourous!). A male sadist is more likely to kill you than give you an amazing time in bed. More likely to claim it’s all fun n games when numerous women accuse him of sexual, physical and psychological abuse than actually help those or any other women have a good time in bed.

[hazftcor]

Good Vs Bad

Nolan x Werewolf!Reader

Requested: nope

Summary: In which Nolan and Y/n are best friends but Nolan doesn’t know Y/n is a werewolf.

Warning: Swearing (shouldn’t be a warning really.), blood, fights, car accidents.

Notes: dedicated to @chimeracuddles because she loves Nolan/Froy and has made my hatred for Nolan became a love hate relationship.

“Hey kids.” You say as you walk to the table where Corey and Mason were sitting. You see their facial expression as they looked up at you.

“What’s wrong?”

“Brett has gone missing.” You nod your head.

“Liam went to help find him. We called Lydia to try to help and all we got was the number 68.”

“Number 68? That’s Nolan’s lacrosse number.” You tell your friend.

“Oh? Well, I don’t think we bother her anymore. I did a lot of things while she tried to focus.” Corey’s face reddens. You giggle.

“So I have a bio test and I also have a history test, which one first?”

“I say bio, because its harder.”

“Okay then, history it is.” Corey glares at you as you get up to find a book.

“So Nolan's your best friend right?” Mason pops behind you. You jump and turn your head to face Mason.

“Mason, You scared the shit out of me. Don’t ever sneak up on me like that again.” He laughs.

“I am best friends with Nolan. Why do you ask?”

“Just curious. Have you told him you’re... you know... the same as Liam?”

“No. I don’t want him to know. I want to protect him from this world.”

“Are you saying that the pack is all dangerous?” He jokes.

“No! Of course not! I’m talking about the supernatural world in general. It’s dangerous and humans can barely survive it. Unless its you and Stiles.” You find a book and take it out. You head back to your seat. All of a sudden, Nolan slams his things against the table. You jump and look up at your best friend.

“Hm Nolan? Are you studying for bio?” You ask.

“Yeah actually, I am.” He sits down, his knees hit against yours, sending shivers up your spine. Needless to say, you were in love with your best friend.

“Trying to understand how organisms can change.” Mason and Corey start to help him understand while you tried to ignore the feeling you got every time Nolan’s knee brushes against yours. You tuned out of their conversation and opened your book to read. You were only interrupted when Corey got up. His hand was bloody, so was Nolan’s pen.

OWH.” Corey covers his wound as everyone in the library got up to look at what was going on. Nolan quickly grabs Corey’s injured hand and shoves it your face.

“Look at him Y/n. Look! Look at him!” Corey pulls away. You stand in shock of what just happened as Nolan leaves the library.

“Holy shit, Corey I’m so so sorry about him.” You apologize after you snap out of what had just happened.

“It’s okay Y/n.”

“I’ll talk to him, don’t worry.” You say before packing your things to go home. You wave goodbye to your friends and started texting your best friend Nolan. 

You: Meet me at my place in 20

bff<3: Okay 

When you reached your house, Nolan was already there.

“Nolan? You’re here early.”

“Yeah I got nothing to do.”

“Mmhm.” You say as you open your front door.

“Why didn’t you go in? You knew where the spare key was.”

“I wanted to wait for you.”

“How did you know I wasn’t home yet?”

“You were in the library. Also I looked at your room window. The light wasn’t turned on.”

“Hm okay. Anyway, I just wanted to ask why did you stab Corey?” You ask as the two of you enter your room. 

“I wanted everyone to know about him. I guess I wanted to prove something.”

“Nolan, you can’t go all stabby stabby on people to prove something.”

“I’m sorry. I wanted to show you that he is not a human and that he is dangerous.”

“Corey is not dangerous. If he was, I would’ve stopped being friends with him.”

“All of them are dangerous Y/n. You can’t trust them!” Nolan raises his voice.

“I can! I know them! and I believe them! They will never hurt me!”

“Are you saying that you believe them more than your best friend?”

“Nolan you know that’s not what I meant. I know you are paranoid about the situations that have happened around school but it’s not gonna happen again.”

“How do you know Y/n? What if your friends are the cause of everything that has happened?”

“They are not! Can you stop attacking my friends?”

“Why are you on their side? You’re my best friend!”

“I’m on the side that’s right and I believe that what you did to Corey isn’t right.”

“You like one of them don’t you?” You look at him confused.

“What? No I don’t! Nolan, if my friends are dangerous and are monsters, then I would be dead by now.”

“All I want to do is protect you from things that could harm you!” Your heart fluttered. 

“Nolan, I know you care about me. But I can take care of myself okay? You don’t need to worry.”

“If I lose you, I would have no one left.” He mumbles out, fidgeting with his fingers. You walk up to him and touch his hands,

“I will never leave you. You’re not gonna be alone. You are never gonna be alone.” You hug him tightly. Your phone vibrates from your pocket and you take it out.

duMbar: Help me and bring ice cream

You: Why?

duMbar: I did something very stupid, I need cheering up and icecream pls.

You: I can’t help u if you dont tell me wat u did. u always do something stupid.

duMbar: I don’t like u sometimes.

duMbar: So like I exposed US to the world and now I'm ashamed. 

You: dude, how could u? I'm coming

duMbar: really?

You: to kill u :)

duMbar: DON’t COME THEN YOURE JUST GONNA HURT ME

You: did u save Brett? Is he ok?

duMbar: YOU CARE ABOUT HIM MORE THAN ME???????

duMbar: he is fine btw

duMbar: hello? ru ignoring me?

You: sry was debating about if I should waste my $ on u.

duMbar: plsss we’re buddies pls bring me icecream.i will love u forever if u do.

duMbar: all I want is icecream is that too much to ask?

You: k i’ll bring the icecream and then I leave 

duMbar: no! don’t go, stay over plssssssssssssss

You: stop being annoying and I will come over

duMbar: oki, come thru window it will be unlocked for u:)

You giggle at Liam’s messages.

“Who ya texting?” Nolan asks trying to see your screen. You swat him away.

“Just Liam. He wants me to go over and study with him.”

“Just the two of you?” 

“Yeah I think so.”

“Isn’t that... not a good idea?”

“Hmm? You think we’re going do things together?” You giggle. “Don’t worry Nolan, we’re not. we’re just studying.“

“That’s what everyone says.” You roll your eyes at your best friend as you start to grab the essentials for staying over at Liam’s place.

“Do you want a ride home? I can give you one on my way to his house.” You ask. He nods before running downstairs to your car. You put your essentials in a duffel bag and head downstairs.

When you get in the car and start driving, Nolan glances at you repeatedly. You had to break the silence.

“Stop staring at me Nolan. If you have a question, ask.”

“Do you like Liam?” You hit your brakes hard upon hearing that question, creating the sound of a car skidding. 

“W-what? Why would you think that?” You say, calming yourself down before driving again.

“Just one text from him can get you to his house, what if he calls you, do you fly there?”

“Hey, Liam needs help studying. I would do the same to you if you were in the same situation.”

“Are you sure you don’t like him?”

“i’m sure Nolan. Yes he may be hot and cute and funny, And yes, he can play lacrosse better than you, Okay well I do feel attracted to him, I mean, who isn’t? He’s the lacrosse team captain, he‘s hot, athletic, cute, funny, not too smart but smart. And it’s the hormones too! But he’s not really my type kinda.” You explain. Nolan nods. You look at him. ‘How did he get that? I said those words and I don’t even know what I just said’

“You won’t lie to me right?”

“Yeah of course not! You’re my best friend! What is there you don’t know?” You lie. There was a thing he didn’t know and it was that you were a werewolf. 

You were walking around school, trying to find your friends. Earlier, they have told you about how the lacrosse team was going to get them to shift, and it included your best friend. You wanted to help but when the bell rang, you were called by your teacher and it slowed you down. You continued to walk around until you saw a whole crowd at the door of a class room.

“What are you trying to hide Liam? Your eyes?” Your eyes widen at the Liam’s name and you push your way through to the front. You look at the scene in horror. You push you way through the other lacrosse teammates who were holding you back.

“Nolan Nolan, Stop!” You scream. Nolan looks at you.

“I’m trying to show you who the hell you chose to be your friends!” Gabe pushes Liam towards the wall.

“Open your eyes.�� Gabe demands. Liam takes a few deep breathes before opening them. You relax at the sight of his blue eyes. Nolan steps in and punches him.

“Nolan what the f*ck?” You yell at him, quick to help Liam up. You block the two boys way from getting to Liam.

“I’m showing you who he really is Y/n!”

“Stop! Nolan! He’s my friend. I don’t care who the f*ck he is. He is my friend and I don’t want you to touch him.”

“Because you’re one of them?” Gabe asks, a smirk on his face.

“I don’t know what you are talking about.”

“Why are you protecting him?”

“Y/n, Leave it.” Liam says.

“Y/n step out of the way. So I can show how dangerous your so called friend is.”

“No! Nolan stop!” Gabe suddenly pins you against the wall. You groan at the contact between your back and the wall. Nolan grabs Liam’s face.

“Are you gonna let us do this to you?”

“Come on y/n. Show me your eyes.”

“You’re looking at my eyes.”

“Quit playing games.” Gabe punches you in the stomach. 

“Y/n! What the hell Gabe?” Nolan asks Gabe.

“Nolan, She’s one of them! You can’t trust her!”

“She’s my best friend! She will never lie to me.”

“Well she did! I’m about to show you.” Gabe punches you in the face. 

“I know you can take us Y/n, all you have to do is change.”

“Change what? my clothes?” You snap.

“Why are you protecting Liam?”

“Because he is my friend!” You growl. Nolan punches Liam again. 

“Come on Liam, shift!” You grab hold of Liam’s hand. 

“The sun.”

“What?”

“The sun, the moon, the truth.”

“What the hell is that suppose to mean?”

“Who cares?” Gabe lets you go to punch Liam and you take this as an advantage to pull Liam away from them. Gabe punches the wall instead. Nolan and Gabe look at you as you protect Liam.

“Stop it!”

“You can’t stop us.” Nolan says back. You look at him with your jaw dropped. 

“Nolan! You’re my f*cking best friend! I can’t believe you would do this!”

“I’m trying to show you that these aren’t the friends. They’re monsters!”

“She’s friends with them because she’s one of them!”

“She is not! Stop accusing her!”

“Shut the f*ck up both of you.” You shout. “My friends are not f*cking monsters so would you just stop attack them?”

“Why are you always taking their side? I thought you said you didn’t like Liam?”

“Nolan! I don’t like him!”

“Then why are you protecting him? He’s a monster.” You had enough of Nolan. So you punched him. Gabe pulls you away from Liam as Nolan recovers. He throws your head onto the leg of a desk, causing you to grow dizzy. Gabe starts to beat up Liam. Finally a teacher came in and settled things down.

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?” He pushes Gabe and Nolan away from Liam. “BACK OFF! HEY GET TO THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE IMMEDIATELY!” Coach pushes the two boys out of the room. Nolan looks back at you. You look at him with disgust, before closing your eyes to stop the dizziness. “What the hell is this? Get out! I can’t stand the look on your faces!” The crowd disperses. 

The dizziness had stopped so you get up and help Liam up.

“You shouldn’t had done that Y/n.”

“Hey, we’re buddies. We help each other out.”

“You shouldn’t have protected me.”

“If it was anyone else I would’ve done the same.”

“Clark Kent right?” You smile, wiping some blood off his face with your shirt.

“Yeah, Clark Kent.” You, Liam, Mason and Corey group hug. 

After school, you were walking to your car where Liam and Mason were standing and waiting for you when someone called your name. 

“Y/n!” Nolan calls running up to you with a big bruise on his face from your punch.

“What do you want?”

“Are you busy tonight?”

“Yeah. I got things to do, body parts to heal. I don’t have time for you to talk about how my friends are monsters.”

“I just wanted to know if what Gabe said was true.”

“I’m busy Nolan. Ask me another time.” You say before walking away from Nolan. Nolan pulls you back.

“Nolan. Let me go.”

“Answer me.” Nolan demands, eyes burning into your soul. You felt very uncomfortable and tried to push him away.

“Nolan. Let go, You’re hurting me.” You say. He pushes you up against a wall.

“Answer me!” He raises his voice. You flinch and whimper. You had never seen Nolan act like this before.

“Nolan Let me go!” 

“Answer me!”

“What has gotten into your head Nolan? You’re scaring me!” You say back. His hand lands on your neck. He was gonna choke you.

“Nolan. Do it. Choke me to death. Let’s see if I’m actually your best friend. Or even a friend in fact.” He grips onto your neck and you start to regret saying those words.

“N-Nolan. It’s m-me Y/n. Please.” You cry.

“I said answer me!!” He yells. You flinch, tears falling down your face. 

“I-I-I- let me go! Nolan! I don’t remember what you’re talking about just let me go!” You put your hands on his face. He instantly snaps back to normal. He looks at his hands in horror as he lets go. You clutch onto your neck, gasping for air.

“Y/n I’m sorry.” He says before hurrying off, afraid of his own self. You start to cry as you watch him retreat, still gasping for air.

What happened to the Nolan you knew?

You and your pack were stuck in the sheriff station surrounded by dozens of hunters. The power suddenly goes out. One of the deputies shoves a boy into the room. Nolan.

“Nolan?”

“Y/n? I thought you said you had to meet up with Liam for a study group.” Well, there goes the secret you were keeping from him.

“Throw him out.” Liam steps up.

“No. Y-you can’t, okay? Please don’t. She’ll know I screwed up.” You heart broke at his words. He was on the other side.

“He’s with them.” Liam states. You start to walk away, to avoid crying in front of everyone.

“Liam.”

“Sheriff?”

“He’s a liar and he’s sick in the head. He betrayed his own best friend.” You continued walking away, right into Theo.

“Y/n? Are you crying?”

“My best friend is working for the enemy T. What am I supposed to do now?” You sob into Theo’s chest.

You and Theo were like siblings. He saved you from the beast back then and he brought you to Scott. You were probably the only person nice to him, even after what he did to the McCall pack and his own pack. That’s why he had the heart to save you. At first, Scott didn’t want to bite you and he didn’t believe Theo had a heart after what he has done, but you somehow persuaded Scott to give you the bite so you could heal. Both Scott and Theo were your heroes and you always looked up to them from the day you turned.

“It's okay Y/n. Just stay in the room. Don’t think about it too much.” Theo kisses you forehead before leaving you. You walk into the sheriff’s office and take a seat. The tears have dried off your face, but you felt as if Nolan had just put a hole in your heart.

From out the sheriff window, you see Liam walking to the reception desk. Curiously you walk to where he is.

“What are you looking at Liam?”

“The camera from the holding cell room.” You look at the screen to see Nolan getting up fro the seat he was handcuffed in. He walks to the cell. Your eyes widens as you watch your best friend take out a jar full of purple wolvesbane. You and Liam exchange glances before quickly moving to the holding cell room to stop Nolan. Liam tackles him while you take the jar out to your alpha. 

Shaken by the fact that your best friend was gonna kill two people, you head back to your seat. Parrish had handcuffed Nolan into another room. Liam and Scott went to check the two werewolves and their eyes. When they came back, Liam sat next to you.

“Y/n. It’s okay.” Liam says.

“It’s not. My best friend has turned against me.” Liam wraps his arms around you as you take deep breathes. You hear the window shattering and you look out to see that someone had shot an arrow into the building. A piece of cloth is attached to the arrow. Malia takes out the arrow and Liam grabs the cloth. It shows a bloody number 7.

“This is Brett’s number. They must’ve got it when they were pursuing him.”

“They’re trying to rattle us.” Lydia tells the sheriff.

“it’s working.” Theo says, as Liam’s eyes glow. A scream is heard in the room where Nolan was in. A deputy had hung himself.

“I-I didn’t do anything. I -I I didn’t even say anything. He just got up and started putting the wire around his neck.” He says. You can feel how shakened up Nolan is. Normally, you would’ve went and hugged Nolan, telling him that its okay. But you couldn’t take a step towards him. Nolan turned towards you, biting his nails. You closed your eyes to avoid eye contact and a tear slipped out. You turn around bumping into Theo who wraps his arms around you.

The rest of the night was just you sitting in a corner, thinking about Nolan Holloway, the person who had broke your heart.

You were slowly putting clothes into a duffel bag Liam brought for you last year for your birthday. 

“Y/n please talk to me.” Nolan appears at your door frame. 

“What is there to talk about? I’m busy packing my things to leave Beacon Hills.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you were a werewolf?” You didn’t answer him. You just continued to pack. 

“Y/n. Please. Why didn't you tell me you were supernatural?“ You stop what you’re doing and turn towards him

“I was trying to protect you! You’re my best friend and I don’t want you to get hurt!“

“You could’ve told me and none of this could’ve happened. You won’t have to leave.”

“You were still paranoid from the beast in the library. How could I say it: ‘Oh hey Nolan, just wanted to let you know that I'm a werewolf and on every full moon I’m have to control myself from hurting others and that the monster you saw in the library was Mason who was possessed by a evil spirit?’”

“You told me that you will never lie to me! And you lied.” Nolan raises his voice.

“I told you Nolan, I was trying to protect you.”

“From what? From you?”

“Yes from me! Do you wanna know how I turned?“

“How?” Nolan crosses his arms.

“I was dying, if it wasn’t for Theo and Scott, I wouldn’t have met you. I knew all about the supernatural because It’s BEACON HILLS! A literal beacon for supernaturals.”

“You promised that you would never leave me and now you're leaving.” You walk up to Nolan.

“You think I have a choice? It’s all your fault. If you and your hunter friends left us alone and not try to hunt and kill us, maybe I wouldn't have to leave.”

“But they were all trying to protect the city from monsters like you.” Nolan spits out. You look at him.

“YOU GUYS? TRYING TO PROTECT THE CITY?“ You scoff. “IF IT WASN’T FOR SCOTT MCCALL AND HIS PACK, YOU ALL WOULD’VE BEEN DEAD BY NOW! Protecting the city? Yea right.” You scoff

“You guys are all monsters who need to be vanished from the world.” Anger boils up from in you.

“Then kill me Nolan. Kill me first. Take some wolvesbane and kill me with it. If we are all monsters, why not start with the one who has been trying to help.”

“Y/n.”

“Kill me! You said I’m a monster so kill me!”

“no Y/n. I’m not gonna kill you.”

“Oh so you are afraid to kill people? Then why did you want to kill those other two werewolves at the sheriff station?”

“Y/n I d-”

“Not all monsters do monstrous things, people like Scott, Lydia, Corey, none of them are monsters!”

“Y/n I-”

“I looked at you tonight, I didn’t see Nolan, my best friend. I saw a psychopath.”

“Y/n pleas-”

“I know what Gabe and Monroe are doing. They’re trying to use mental illnesses to get you to go against us. They don’t give a shit about you Nolan. They don’t care about your illnesses as much as I do.”

“Y/n They’re not-”

“They’ve corrupted you with their beliefs. Tell me Nolan, would you rather fight with your best friend or against your best friend if they are perks of not feeling alone, fitting in, feeling happier, less scared, less paranoid if you chose against?”

“Y/n I don’t know.”

“I thought so. I don’t know who you are anymore Nolan. You think we’re the monsters while you are the monsters. I can’t believe I ever fell in love with you. When you finally figure out the difference between who’s good and who’s bad, call me.” And then you walked out tears roaming freely down your face.

Five minutes after you left, Liam came. He was about to knock on your door when your mother opened it.

“Oh! Liam! How nice to see you!”

“Hi Ms. Y/l/n. Is Y/n here?”

“She should be in her room. Are you taking her out on a date?” Liam reddens.

“Y-yeah kind of.”

“Well have fun! I’m off to go on a business trip. Won’t be back for about a month. Remember to use protection.” Liam reddens even more as he allows your mother to exit. He walks up to your room only to find Nolan.

“Where the hell is Y/n?”

“We got in a fight, and she just left.” Liam’s blood boiled as he threw Nolan into a wall. 

“What did you do?” Liam yells at the boy

“I-I d-did nothing, she just left!” Liam lets go and starts to rummage through her stuff.

“What are you doing?”

“Finding her scent so I can find her.” He reaches in your hamper and finds a shirt. He sniffs it.

“If you want to know if your so called best friend is safe, follow me.” Nolan followed him 

“How do you know where she is?” He asks Liam, who was busily following your scent.

“We have super smell.”

“Why do you care so much about her?” Liam stops looking and turns to look at the boy who was following him slowly.

“Because she's my friend. Someone who would never hurt her.” Liam states before turning back to look for you.

After a while, Liam perks his head up at the smell of blood.

“Do you smell that? Oh wait never mind you’re a human. It’s blood. I smell blood. It’s Y/n’s! Hurry Nolan, she’s this way!” Liam runs with Nolan far behind. 

They reach a flipped car.

“Y/n!” Liam shouts, running to the flipped car where you laid, bleeding.

“Liam? No you should’ve left already.”

“I was gonna pick up. Come on, lets get you out of here.”

“N-Nolan? You’re here?” You cough out blood and groan in pain as Liam tries to pull you out.

“Y/n stay with us okay.” Nolan says, biting his nails at the situation in front of him

“No No, Liam stop, It’s not just that I’m stuck, there’s wolvesbane all around here.”

“I don’t care Y/n, I’m not letting you die. Nolan, hold onto her. I’m gonna lift the car up and you pull her out okay?” Nolan nods and holds your hands tightly. You grow tired and start to fall into a pit of darkness.

“Y/n open your eyes.” Nolan says. Liam lifts up the car and Nolan pulls you out. Liam puts it backs down and speeds towards you.

“Why isn’t she healing?”

“There’s wolvesbane in her system. We got to get her to the hospital.”

“I don’t think I’m gonna make it Liam. Maybe you should leave.”

“You are! I’m not leaving without you! I will never do that okay? You’ve been with me through life and death, I should do the same now.” Liam picks you up carefully.

“Where are you going?”

“The hospital Nolan. Take my phone in case Scott calls.” Liam throws his phone to Nolan and starts to run. Nolan follows.

“Y/n stay with me. Don’t close your eyes.” Liam’s phone starts to ring and Nolan puts it on speaker.

“Liam? Where the hell are you guys?”

“Hello?”

“Nolan? Where’s Liam?”

“Scott! Sorry, Y/n got in a car accident and I’m bringing her to a hospital. She got hurt pretty badly.”

“Y/n got in an accident? Theo wait! Okay we’ll meet you there okay?”

“Okay bye.” Nolan hangs up the phone. Darkness overtakes your vision.

“Y/n. Stay awake please!” 

And then you black out.

“Y/n?” Liam slows for a second to listen to your heartbeat. He relaxes at the sound of your heartbeat. He turns to Nolan.

“She’s okay. She’s just unconscious. Now let’s hurry!” Liam starts to run again.

Nolan, close behind, has been quiet all this time because he is worried about you. He never knew it before, but he is completely and terribly in love with you.

The only question to him was: Were you good or bad?

[diyunho]

The Joker x Reader - “No Names” Part 3

When The Joker told you he found somebody else, your world shattered to pieces. But what hurt the most was the fact that he didn’t even bother to come around and see his little girls; very hard to find excuses on why their father is missing, especially when the triplets adore him. And extremely hard to cope with the gloomy future after you found out some details that might explain his estrangement.

Part 1: http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/164355559106/the-joker-x-reader-no-names-part-1

Part 2:http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/164854110621/the-joker-x-reader-no-names-part-2

“Mommy’s going to have another baby,” Evie whispers in Frost’s ear. He’s on the couch, waiting to drive all of you to the beach house.

“Really?” he pretends not to know, even if the triplets keep on repeating the old news every time they see him.

“Yes, it’s a girl,” Mia giggles, climbing in his lap. Emma abandons her toys and gets on the couch, starting to play with Jonny’s hair. “Daddy says he’ll have another pretty doll added to his collection,” she continues to stoke Frosts’ hair and the other two agree.

“U-hum, Daddy said she’ll be cute like us,” Mia’s eyes get big with anticipation. “I can’t wait to see her; I’ll take care of my little sister,” she decides.

“That’s great!” Jonny praises, helping Mia mount his other knee. “You will be an awesome babysitter.”

“No, I’ll take care of her!” Emma sulks while Evie whimpers, unhappy:

“No, I will!”

The inevitable bickering begins while Frost attempts to calm down the spirited little girls.

“I’m telling mommy,” Mia pushes Evie’s head.

“I’m telling daddy!” she fights back, trying to slap her sister.

“I’m telling both!” Emma pouts and you enter the living room, followed by The Joker.

“Hey, what’s going on? Why are you shouting?” you crinkle your nose and the siblings abandon their current preoccupation and run to both parents, explaining why they should take of the little one after she’s born.

“You can all take care of her, OK?” J replies, grumpy from the terrible headache he woke up with this morning. He took some pills to help out with that but no relief so far. Of course the migraine is a side effect due to all the medications he’s on; never ending issues: one thing leading to another.

There’s protesting, ponytails are being pulled, plus some more pushing around and eventually the turmoil fades once everybody steps in the elevator. The excitement of playing in the sand makes things better no matter what.

*************

The girls are having fun on the beach and you joined your boyfriend on the terrace, relaxing in the huge hammock under the canopy. His head is resting in your lap, waiting for the remedy to work: you had to give him an extra dose for the migraine since the pain didn’t go away with the usual fix.

“How come there’s only one Princess in here?” J grumbles, caressing your tummy; not too big for now since you are just 5 months pregnant.

“I don’t know, but it’s exciting, isn’t it?” you cheerfully ask, knowing he’s in a bad mood.

“Yeah, it is, but only one?! I think I’m losing my touch…” he sighs and it makes you laugh:

“I doubt that’s the reason.”

He’s still frowning so you want to distract him somehow.

“You know what J ?”

“What?”

“I wanted to ask you to marry me so many times,” you smile, confessing to the actual truth.

“Why didn’t you?” The Joker looks at you, suddenly interested at your revelation.

“Well, I figured that if you wanted to marry me, you would have asked.”

“True,” he admits and you punch his shoulder.

“Not the answer I was expecting, can’t you be sweet for once?!” “I’m always sweet; the sweetest guy ever!”

“No… you’re not,” you take a deep breath and he agrees:

“Yeah…I’m not…”

You watch the children playing for a little bit and he realizes you’re still upset.

“Pumpkin?”

“Yes?” you twirl the green strands of hair around your fingers, absent minded.

“After I die and I get to the gates of hell, you know what I’m gonna say?”

You immediately want to protest against his statement but J continues.

“I’ll tell them my woman did a lot of bad things, but she should go to a better place: she put up with me and had my children so she shouldn’t follow me there. Umm…why are you crying? It’s supposed to make you laugh,” The Joker bites on his lip, confused, oblivious at your emotions. “Is it the hormones?”

“N-no…” you sniffle, struggling to bend over to kiss his forehead. “This is probably the sweetest thing that ever came out of your mouth.”

“Told you I’m a sweet guy, “ J smirks, victorious. “Are you gonna miss me?” he kisses your wrist and it makes you sadder.

“Not even for a second,” the shaky voice announces.

“Good, you shouldn’t,” he mumbles, closing his eyes and enjoying the cool breeze on his face. “But at least you’ll be left behind with my heart. Umm…can you stop crying? I’m referring to the tattoo, Kitten, all right?” J slides up your body, getting comfortable by your side. “Why are you so hormonal?” he glances at the design he was referring to, pretending not to understand your feelings.

The Joker has playing cards symbols tattooed on his fingers: spades, diamonds and clubs, but he’s missing the heart—you are the one that has the missing symbol inked on your skin, right on top of where your heart is, with the writing under it: “Mister J’s.”

“You always misunderstand what I’m saying, Y/N,” he grumbles, kind of uneasy at your tears. “Cut it out…” but his threat doesn’t even sound harsh. “What am I going to do with you, hm?... “ he wonders and wipes your cheeks which prompts more tears coming out and you cuddling to his chest.

“If you leave me I’ll never talk to you again,” the rant starts without any warning.

“Oh my God, you promise?” and you giggle through tears while the top of your head is getting covered in soft kisses. “Hey,” he gets your attention, “I don’t want you to sleep with anybody else after I die; I really think you should consider becoming a nun.”

You elbow him, laughing and crying in the same time:

“You’re an idiot,” you kiss him and J has some words for you:

“Nobody calls me that, Pumpkin! Except Godzilla,” he’s fast to add, knowing how much you hate the nickname. “Not a single soul dares fucking with the big creature.”

“Such a horrible man,” you whimper, distracted by his antiques.

“Thank you, I was hoping you’ll notice,” and he’s so satisfied with himself that he finally realizes the headache is gone. “Wanna make out?” the proposition follows and it earns criticism.

“I thought we already kind of were…”

“I was working on it, you just keep on crying! But anyway, fair warning: I don’t think I can do more than that. To my eternal shame, I’m pretty drained from my meds and I doubt more will happen,” he snarls in your ear, self-conscious about the problem.

“I just want to kiss you and hold you, honey,”  you imitate his voice and J rolls his eyes and yanks at your almost inexistent waist. “Are you using my own line?! It’s mine, find your own! And I wouldn’t be so quick to mock: you fell for it every single time; that’s how we got the kids, “ J  snickers, reminding you about the truth. “Sooo easy to trick,” he keeps on going, excited he can tease.

“Are you going to talk all day ?!” you inquire because he won’t shut up.

“I can talk for weeks,” the cocky remark bluntly comes to an end when The Joker gulps, his fingers clinging to your dress. “Shit…muscle spasms,” he groans, the pain taking over.

“Hold on!” you jump off the hammock, running inside for the treatment.

“You’re pretty fast for a pregnant woman!” J yells, trying to contain the agonizing ache taking over every inch of his being. You get back to him in a flash, worried about his condition.

“Here, take the pills,” you hand him over 3 of them with a glass of water, hoping they will work soon. J pulls you back next to him; it makes him feel better. He shivers under the pressure of his muscles involuntary contracting and digs his fingers in your back. It hurts so badly because he doesn’t realize how strong his hold is but you don’t make a sound. You’ll probably end up with bruises again, yet The Joker doesn’t do it intentionally.

His shrieky breath worries you even if this happens often.

“Do you want to go inside? It’s getting dark out here. The kids played all day, time to eat and get them ready for bed. You think you can move?”

“No, not yet,” J admits, moaning from discomfort as soon as he attempts to lift his head up.

“That’s ok, we’ll wait for a little bit then,” and you peck his temple, wishing you could take the pain away.

“What are you still doing here?” he interrupts, struggling to speak.

“Well, I’m not going inside either until you can move.”

“No, why are you still here?”

You faked not understanding what he meant but now you can’t go around the answer.

“Where else I am supposed to be? I belong here.”

***************

The triplets whined until they were allowed to sleep in the master bedroom with you two. They all passed out in a matter of minutes, the small bodies curled up against yours. J is better because the meds worked, but he wasn’t able to eat anything and you hate it: he is skinnier as it is, doesn’t need to lose more weight.

“Read to me, Princess,” he stretches and repositions himself closer to you, this way he can play with your long hair.

“Let’s see what we have here,” you reach for the two books on the night stand. “We have Shelley and his love poems plus Poe and his morbid stuff,” you whisper since the girls are asleep.

“Morbid!” J is quick to choose.

“We’ll go with love,” you wink and he puffs, annoyed:

“Yuck!”

You ignore him and search for some of your favorites when he unexpectedly turns your face towards him. The Joker stares at you, debating on what he is about to utter.

“I have a list… a secret list in my mind with people I don’t hate…”

“You do?” you smile, shifting his way since it seems important; you can tell.

“Yes, and…umm… stop smiling! You and the girls didn’t make the cut!” J puckers his lips, irritated at his own disclosure.

“Oohh, that’s sad… Who’s on the list then?” you nuzzle in his neck, kissing it.

“Just Godzilla and some loud brats,” he spits out in a hurry and you giggle.

“Do they have names?” you curiously check.

“No, no names…”

“Lucky them,” you exhale, cupping his face. “Too bad me and our children are not on the list.”

J doesn’t reply and you let go, returning to your book and starting to read with such a soothing voice he relaxes right away. By the fourth poem he’s out cold and you spend another hour gazing at him, thinking how much you wish he could live forever.

***************

“Morning, baby,” you yawn and touch his shoulder. “The girls have been up for a while, I’ll make coffee and breakfast should arrive soon. OK?... … …Hey, did you hear me?” you ask, panicking when he doesn’t open his eyes after you shake him. “Baby, wake up!”

But he didn’t wake up, not even after you gave him the emergency adrenaline shot. His doctors arrived at your hideout in a hurry, confirming your worst fear: The Joker slipped into a coma and there is no way to know if/when he will come out of it. The news broke your heart and it was very difficult to explain to the triplets:

“Daddy…won’t wake up anymore,” and you try so hard not to cry. “But he might at one point and in the meantime we’ll pretend he’s awake and continue to speak to him, allright?”

The kids looked at each other, then at you, then at him, not comprehending the severity of what was announced to them.

“Is daddy very tired?” Evie asks, puzzled.

“Yes, honey, he is, that’s why he’s resting,” you sadly smile, checking his IV line. Since J can’t take oral medications anymore, everything was converted to liquids, including the nutrients he needs. You decided to stay at the beach because he loves the ocean and maybe hearing the waves crashing on the beach might help.

“What is this?” Emma walks in the front of the heart monitor that keeps on beeping, which prompts the other two siblings to do the same.

“That’s daddy’s heart,” you explain so they can understand.

“Waaahhh,” Mia is amazed and gets on her toes to see better. She kisses the screen, snickering, followed by her sisters.

Such innocence, you think, wiping a rebel tear.

“Who wants to give daddy a massage?” the offer gets their attention and they all jump on the bed, fighting. “Me!”

“No, me!”

“Your nurses will oblige your every whim,” you peck his forehead. “If they are too loud, you just have to wake up and say so… … …No? Well then, I guess you’ll have to deal with your daughters chewing your ears off. Enjoy!”

-- “Oh my God, she’s kicking so hard! I think she may have a party going on in here,” you keep his right hand on your bump since the other one is hooked to the IV pole. “I am pretty big now, almost there with the pregnancy. You’re missing on the fun…” you keep on yapping like you always do. Sometimes you even answer for him.

“Don’t you wanna ask me if I’m auditioning for Godzilla’s part in the next movie?...No…? It’s your opportunity to tease me again, I know you want to…Wow, that’s a first! How come you’re so mellow? Rawwrrr!” you roar, even if you know it’s no use. “Hey, that was pretty funny, you can at least laugh… Uhhhh…” you give up, glaring at the spinning fan on the ceiling. “You’ve been like this for almost 4 months, aren’t’ you bored? You get bored easily… … … Anyway, I’m gonna read you something now. Morbid or love?”

After no reaction from his side, you decide.

“We’ll go with morbid, your favorite. Stephen King or Poe?... … … Poe you say? Your wish is my command,” and you start reading to him, being so tired you can barely see the words.

-- “I think I’ll have to find me another boyfriend,” you huff, injecting his weekly shot in his arm. “I am not becoming a nun so I will have to sleep with somebody else. If you don’t agree, you just have to wake up and say so… … … No? I thought you cared. Oh, well, your loss,” and then the remorse takes over.

“I’m not going to find another boyfriend, ok? You’re lucky I like you…” and looking at his face makes you aware of how much you miss him. “If you want to let go…you can…” you bite your cheek, sniffling but you change your mind in an instant. “If you dare doing this to me and the girls, I’ll hate you forever! I’m not joking!!” 

-- You are so worn out you fell asleep at the dinner table. Your people brought over food and you took a few bites, then just dozed off. The girls didn’t notice but Frost did since he was there. He had to carry you in the bedroom and tucked you in. That’s when he decided he should speak up. The next day you heard about it:

“Y/N, you need help.”

“With what?”

“You’re exhausted: you’ll have your baby soon, you’re taking care of the girls and Mister J. There are so many of us, we can help you.”

“This is my family, my responsibility, got it?” you raise your voice, irked.

“I wasn’t suggesting otherwise,” Jonny pacifies your outburst. “But if you get sick, Mister J will kill us all.”

You bite on your nails and he has a suggestion:

“Would you prefer…just me to help with Mister J?”

You softly sigh, indirectly answering his question:

“It’s…it’s hard for me to turn him.” “I can do that,” he nods and you agree by not replying.

**************

“Here’s your new Princess,” you place the newborn on his chest, wrapping his arm around her and holding it in place since he can’t do it himself. “ She is absolutely adorable, don’t you want to see her?... … … Open your eyes and look at your daughter…No? Hm, that’s pretty heartless, even for you. Oh, wait, never mind, I have your heart, I forgot,” you look down the cleavage at your tattoo. “Still, this is no excuse…I decided on the name Amelia and we can go with Amy from there. If you don’t like the name, all you have to do is wake up and tell me so… … Going once, going twice….Amelia it is then,” you kiss the little head then his lips.

-- The triplets are mesmerized by the new addition to the family. They all want to hold her and be her favorite. They get in such fights and it drives you nuts, but in a good way.

“This is my sister!” Evie struggles to get in front of the line formed around the crib. (The crib is in the master bedroom because you want The Joker to hear his little girl.)

“No, she’s mine!” Mia slaps Evie’s hand, trying to climb inside.

“No-oooo, Amelia’s mine!” Emma takes over and the newborn fusses from the ruckus.

“Ssssttt, don’t wake her up!” you admonish the triplets and they listen, disappointed they can’t play with their new favorite toy.

-- When Amy cries at night, you gently kick J.

“It’s your turn, go!... … Don’t try to get out of it!... No?... You owe me big!” and you get out of bed, dragging your feet on the floor, wishing you could nap more than 2 hours at a time. “Your turn to be on diaper duty, Mister King of Gotham,” you point out, upset. “Don’t think I don’t know you are doing this on purpose to skip your turn! So rude…” you mutter, actually being upset because the new meds J is on don’t do too much so far and he’s still in a coma. Very frustrating. There is no cure for his disease, but at least you want him awake.

“You know what? I’m leaving you! I’m taking Amelia and the triplets and we’re out of here! See how you like to be alone!” you threaten, mad at everything, finishing up your task. You suddenly realize the heart monitor intensified its beeping and you freeze. You place her back in the crib and rush to his side. His chest is going up and down fast and you hold his hand, distressed.

“Did you hear me?... Baby, did you hear me?... We’re not leaving, I was just saying! Calm down, we’re not going anywhere…” you start kissing his face all over. It takes about 5 more minutes before the heartbeat goes back to normal.

The doctors couldn’t guarantee that his reaction was due to your ultimatum but they said it’s not impossible. That was the first feedback you ever got since the morning he didn’t wake up anymore.

-- You slide the wedding band on his ring finger, taking advantage of the state he’s in and you’re not even sorry.

“There, if you don’t want it, have the courage to say it to my face. If you don’t protest, I am thinking that you want it…Yes?... Well, then, you can keep it. Looks sexy on you, I must state the obvious here. … … Did you add Amelia to that list of yours? You should…unless she won’t make the cut either…I wish you would open your eyes to see how cute she is. Don’t you miss all of us? I assume you do but you are too stubborn to do something about it…” and you continue, briefing The Joker about the plans you’ve been working on for a while. “Tonight we raid “Excell” laboratories, they are experimenting on a medication I want for you… But the catalyst that it needs to be combined with it’s made in Japan; we’ll definitely get that one too as soon as possible. Don’t worry about a thing, I told you: you will live forever. Babysit the girls, ok? You’ll have help from our men, just in case…“

-- Your henchmen are scattered all over the building, scavenging everything they can get their hands on. You can’t be in there for too long; even if you took care of the alarm, you can’t risk lingering in the medical facility.

You broke into the lab alone and found what you needed; just stashed the vials in a suitcase when you realize you are being watched from the far corner of the room.

“Of course you would show up, you always know, don’t you?” you back out, pointing your gun at The Batman. He doesn’t say a word, but takes a few steps towards you.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” and that crazy grin on your face makes him halt. “We are getting out of here and I am taking this with me ! Don’t even dream about being a hero tonight!”

Suddenly, explosions are heard in the distance, and they are coming closer and closer until a big detonation shakes the building, making the windows crack.

“That was close,” you chuckle. “Across the street to be precise.”

Alarms start blaring in the background, turmoil and chaos fastly increasing on the streets.

“All the places were empty, consider it… a professional courtesy,” you growl, backing out more. “The next ones won’t be, I made sure of that. Do you want your precious Gotham citizens to die? If we don’t leave safe and unharmed, it all goes to shit!!!”

That mask hides any trace of emotion he might have but the distorted voice echoes in the lab.

“What you have it’s useless without the catalyst. Why bother?”

“I’ll get it somehow! Now stay there and don’t move or we blow up more!”

You exit the room, not turning your back on The Batman until he is out of sight.

**************

A week passed by and the medication from Japan that needs to be combined with what you stole from “Excell” laboratories is still not in your possession. You are running out of patience.

“Y/N, our courier from East Gotham dropped this box about an hour ago. It has your name on it; were you waiting for a shipment?”

“No,” you signal him to come on the porch. Amelia is in a small crib outside, sleeping, and the girls are having fun digging a big hole in the sand. “What is this?”

“Not sure, but he said he was given to him by our West Gotham courier.”

“Weird, I wonder what…” and your heart stops when you open the sealed box and see the small typed note on top of a metal container. “Consider it a professional courtesy.”

***************

J blinks a few times, wincing in pain, his mind cloudy and confused. He has no idea what’s going on and after being in a coma for months, he’s incapable of speaking or moving too much. He feels the weight on his chest and barely manages to look down, noticing his three month old daughter sleeping on him, sucking on her thumb. The Joker struggles to turn his head to his right to see you are sleeping also, still holding the book you read to him tonight, completely passed out with the triplets snuggled to your body.

His eyelids are so heavy that he gives in, having one single thought in mind before dozing off with the rest of his family:

I think I’m gonna live forever...

Also read: MASTERLIST

http://diyunho.tumblr.com/post/153664676321/joker-x-reader-masterlist

[theacrobrat-blog]

Did you love me?

I'm coming home, I'm coming home. Did you take off while I was gone? I missed it all, I messed you up, I missed you. I'm coming home, I wanna know. When all the leaves begin to fall. If I'm falling, falling apart for you.

Now Playing: Homecoming by Hey Monday

Mason’s dead.

The words kept floating around in her mind but Dina didn’t seem to really believe them. He wasn’t dead. She would have known. She would have...felt something, right? It was Mason, this wasn’t just anyone and she didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. She never got to say goodbye.

This wasn’t like hearing Cienn or Eve had died. Her reaction was to go numb while anger festered just below the surface when she was told about the both of them. When Cienn told her that Mason was dead the little dead girl wished she had gone numb. Instead it was like she had been hit with every emotion possible and it was c r u s h i n g her. Her chest had tightened and the urge to reach for a bottle of pills smacked her full in the face but she knew nothing would work and so she suffered in silence.

She moved in a haze and ended up taking a walk around the city. The apartment was gone, the building had collapsed or something and rebuilding was slow so there were still signs of damage everywhere. Her hood covered the ears that lay flat on her head and her tail twitched underneath the hoodie but otherwise she looked relatively normal for the first time since she came back. Looking around she wondered if this was how it had happened.

She could easily look up his death certificate to find out for sure, there was the possibility of him not having one but in truth Dina didn't really want to even search in fear of seeing her own worst fears on paper. Her imagination wasn’t helping her in the slightest but it was all she had to convince herself that if she had stayed she could have helped in some way. Could have stopped it. It was toxic thinking and it was the kind that sent her running for Aiden’s house.

Anytime she didn’t understand something she would head for the cabin right outside the city. It smelled like her sire and it would usually calm and comfort her like she was sure he would if he was there instead of the fairy. The sire bond they shared was still there, seemed to be just under the surface but Dina still didn’t understand everything and so she paid it no attention and assumed he was dead or that he just didn’t want to deal with her. Nobody really ever seemed to want to. Kaia tried her best but the princess just didn’t understand the world and kept asking why she didn’t just take multiple lovers.

For over a week now she’s been laying in the floor of the master bathroom, she hasn’t eaten since arriving and her eyes have darkened considerably, a sure sign of her starvation but she just didn’t feel like eating. Mason had called her a monster at some point and by the end of their relationship he truly did seem to think of her as a monster and before his death the last moment they shared was of a ridiculous fight and her covered in his blood. How much more monster like did she have to get? She couldn’t even control her urges around him and went to town on the blood that had littered the floor from him being tortured.

Truly revolting.

August 11th - The day she was told, she tried to cry but she couldn’t produce a single tear. She stayed in the living room for the evening.

August 12th - She couldn’t stop crying this day and ended up in the bathroom floor.

August 13th - This day she began to blame herself and she chased Kaia out of the house with her anger.

August 14th - She began to deny it. It couldn’t be real. It had to be a lie. Cienn just didn’t like Mason and... even she knew she was being stupid.

August 15th - She wondered what he was doing in his last moment. Was he scared? Selfishly she wondered if he even thought about her after that fight and how they left things.

August 16th - She contemplated eating Aiden’s cat for a brief moment. She was so hungry but she didn’t move from the bathroom.

August 17th - The realization nobody will call her Velma anymore. More tears. Remembered Cienn said it involved a pole so she is now picturing Mason dying from a really bad stripping accident. Kaia retured with blood that went uneaten.

August 18th - She began to wonder what if. What if she hadn’t hesitated. What if Mason had showed up at the manor just a bit earlier and bypassed Jasper completely? Would they have redheaded kids?

August 19th at 4:15 p.m. - I wasn’t here. I messed up. I miss you. I love you. Did you love me?

She was heading into territory she really shouldn’t drift into but it was relatively harmless territory. Who doesn’t think about ‘the one who got away’ at random points in their lives? Only this wasn’t going to help the living dead girl get the fuck up off the tile floor. She looked like death at this point, her complexion even paler than normal and yet she couldn’t bring herself to eat just yet. She was still a long ways off from dying but if she waited much longer she was sure to go on an eating binge and Gotham wouldn’t handle a feeding frenzy brought on by a young hybrid.

Did he love her? He never actually said if he did or not. Did she say it to him? For some reason she couldn’t remember the events of that fight and it was driving her positively crazy. All she could focus on was this damn thought. Since being turned Dina felt almost like she was pregnant. She seemed so damn sensitive, more so than normal, almost as if she were hormonal and she could only safely determine it was an effect of being turned. She just wanted to get this all out of her system so she could focus on real life and not the fantasy she was trying so hard to avoid creating and falling into.

It took her a matter of that afternoon to concoct herself a miracle drug. A drug that would ease the mind numbing pain she was feeling, lift the crushing weight pressing down on her chest and fracturing her ribs. It would be her cure and she could finally put this whole mess behind her.

Wolfsbane and vervain. Two things that by themselves would not do much but together they could be quite potent. Deadly even and that was what Dina had combined together and was now holding in the form of a syringe. It wasn’t much, not enough to do anything other than slow her down a bit but combined with her starvation it was the closest thing she could get to a high.

She propped herself up, back against the cabinet under the sink and glanced down at her arm as she spun the syringe between the fingers of her other hand. She never thought she would do something like this in a million years but then again she never thought she’d be a half vampire half werewolf freak at the tender age of seventeen either. She only hesitated for another ten seconds before plunging the needle into her arm, it burned like a bitch and felt like fire racing through her bloodstream but what did you expect? She basically just shot up with poison. You don’t go sniffing bleach as a mortal, do you?

The effect was instantaneous, her shoulders slumped and her mind grew foggy which made it somewhat easier to focus for the first time in days. She felt like things were so clear and a quiet sigh left her lips as her eyes slipped closed. This was a chapter of her life she could finally close as morbid as that might sound, she didn’t wish for Mason to be dead but now she didn’t feel the need to fixate on him either.

She had desperately wanted him to feel loved, even if she couldn’t give him what he wanted she still loved him and she would probably love him for the rest of her life. Was she lying to herself when she called him her best friend? No. Not at all. That was what he was. When she had no one else, Mason had been there to help her stand on her feet and she liked to think that he appreciated her caring for him at one point or another. Just as she had appreciated him.

She liked the person she was around him, the Dina he could coax forth and he didn’t seem to find her strange...not until the end there but hey, he still kissed her bloody lips so she couldn’t be the only freak in the apartment.

Her phone was pulled from her pocket. A lot of missed calls and messages popped up after she turned it on but there was only one contact in particular she was presently concerned with. 

Mason

A picture of him with two eyes and NWJ sitting on his chest lit up her screen and she found herself wiping away silent tears. Everything seemed to hit her at once, all the things they had gone through together, the memories they had shared.

Fireworks at the beach, Spim giving her a random baby, when he bruised her nose, when she punched him for selling her out to Sierra, that first kiss, showing her how to shoot a gun, moving in together, Izzie carting her wasted ass home, the fight in front of her Uncle, that second kiss...that fight that they never came back from.

She wished her memories of him stopped after that second kiss but they didn’t and so she tapped the icon to start a new message. She knew he would never see it and that was partially why she was doing this. It was therapeutic to her and it was how she wished to close this particular chapter. It seemed fitting since this was kind of how it all started. With the exchanging of a name and a number.

It took her ten minutes to type a few words but then her thumb hit send and it was done and over with. More than likely his phone was already disconnected. She didn’t even know how long ago he had passed on so who would even see it or care enough to decipher the meaning?

I fucked it all up but I miss you. Wish you were here.

After a few seconds she sent a second text then promptly tossed the electronic away so she could enjoy her brief makeshift high.

I loved you.

[spoiledphil-blog]

Starring Role - Chapter 7

rating: m

read on ao3

By Friday the next week Marcus is pretty much living in Phil’s apartment, he’s not complaining of course.

But as he now sits in his tiny office at work, he’s regretting staying up all night with Marcus, again he is certainly not complaining, hand job for your thoughts had been the best thing Phil has ever come up with.

Staring at a completely blank computer screen now is cracking him up, the column is at its highest its ever been but this week Phil just cannot get words down.

He doesn’t even have a theme picked out for this week, he’s been too busy with his personal life a.k.a. Marcus to even gather up enough emails from teenagers and young adults who for some reason deem him as worthy of giving advise.

He can’t focus, he feels like he’s back in school in Religion class staring at the clock on the wall waiting desperately for the last ten minutes to go by.

Martyn is picking him up today, taking him out to dinner with his girlfriend Cornelia, usually he’d make some bullshit excuse to try and get out of going, because to put it simply, as much as he loves his brother he used to envy him for his pretty much everything from his stable relationship to stable mental status.

It’s different now of course, Phil has a nice boyfriend now and they’re getting along just fine in their honeymoon phase.

He’s going to the dinner alone though, as much as he adores Marcus and his company but in all honesty he’s spent almost all of the past two weeks with Marcus and he’s just tired.

“Working hard I see.” Phil’s head shoots up, Mia is standing at the door looking at him disapprovingly.

“I had a long week Mia, I’ll have it done for Tuesday don’t worry.”

“You better, you’re lucky I haven’t said anything about you screwing the boy over at Walton’s.”

Phil sighs, of course she’d found that out and of course she had to comment on it.

“I’ll never understand your need to hate the entire office just because your ex girlfriend works as the receptionist.”

“I have perfectly valid reasons to hate her.”

“What exactly?”

Mia sighs pursing her lips. “She started dating my ex girlfriend not a week after we broke up.”

Phil nods rolling his eyes. “And you’re now married to her ex husband.”

Mia crosses her arms. “I regret telling you anything.” She says voice sharp before leaving his office.

As uptight as Mia is Phil can’t help but love her, the two went to college together, albeit she was two years above him. He’s heard enough of the office rumours that Mia favours him and maybe she does.

Mia is a kind soul, mind you also an uptight bitch with daddy issues who will hold a grudge against you for years if you so much as look at her wrong.

Phil sighs internally slamming his head on the keyboard.

The restaurant/bar that Martyn has dragged him to is loud, it’s giving Phil a headache, he looks over at Cornelia with pleading eyes.

He doesn’t want to be here in a crowded bar drinking coke from a can while people around him get completely pissed out of their minds.

Martyn comes back from the bar with a basket full of tortilla chips and a cheese dip, he doesn’t bother taking any, maybe if he tells Martyn he’s feeling ill Cornelia will convince him to let Phil go home to the silence and comfort of his tiny apartment miles away.

Cornelia takes a sip from her Red bull and Martyn turns to her with a worried expression. “Should you really be drinking that?”

Cornelia hits him on the arm lightly shushing him taking a large gulp from the can.

The exchange confuses Phil, his mind spinning trying to think of every possible reason why Cornelia shouldn’t be drinking Red bull.

“Are you ill?” Phil asks scared.

Cornelia laughs. “All the time,”

Phil panics, why is she laughing?

She notices the pained confused look on Phil’s face immediately adding something that confuses Phil even more.

“The little guy just won’t stop moving.” She tells him brightly smiling as if he’s supposed to know who the ‘little guy’ is.

Cornelia pulls a face when she sees that Phil is still confused, she turns over to Martyn looking angry now.

“Did you not tell him?” She says tone accusing.

Martyn smiles sheepishly. “It slipped my mind.”

“You idiot! I gave you cue cards and everything! It was supposed to be special!” She sighs frustrated putting her head in her hands then reaching up grabbing Martyn’s wine and downing it in one gulp.

“Cornelia!”

“He’ll be fine, I can have one drink.”

Phil looks between the two beyond confused. “What?” He asks raising an eyebrow.

Cornelia sighs loudly. “You spastic! You’re just like your brother, can’t cop anything! I’m pregnant!”

Phil opens his mouth, closing it again before smiling wildly. “Oh my God.”

Martyn is stupid smiling, practically jumping in his seat. “I’m going to be a dad.” He sang with glee.

Phil doesn’t know what to say as he looks over at the scene in front of him, the bar is dimly lit, loud and quite dirty, it’s a weird contrast to the bright souls sitting in front of him, faces full of excitement a light that practically radiates across the room.

The picture of Martyn and Cornelia’s relationship is one Phil can only describe as ideal, Phil keeps that in his mind.

He admires them both greatly, how the work together, how they just seem to fall into place like two people in one.

He hopes he can achieve that with Marcus, a relationship like his brothers with a loving boyfriend would surely annoy his father, which is totally besides the point.

Speaking of Marcus he decides to text him, as lovely as his time with Martyn and Cornelia had been.

Me 18:53 tbh miss u rn at a bar restaurant thing w my brother n stepsister, big news!!

He decides to tell Marcus about Cornelia's pregnancy, it still hasn't quite sunk in yet that he's going to he an uncle, perhaps also with Marcus, he could officially achieve the Modern Family style life he's always wanted.

Martyn' voice interrupts his thoughts as he slowly drags his eyes from Marcus' contact number to Martyn

“Hope you're not mentioning anything to Mum about the baby, we don't want her to know until really late on, if you get me.”

Phil rolls his eyes. “Of course not, Mum would force Cornelia to move in with her, watch her like a hawk, make sure nothing happens to her precious grandbaby.” Phil mimics his mother as he says grandbaby pretending to cry.

Cornelia laughs, Martyn continues to stare at him. “You texting Marcus then.” He asks eyebrow raised.

Cornelia jumps up then clapping her hands together. “Martyn was telling me about your boyfriend!” She's far too excited, Phil blames it on the pregnancy hormones and not the fact that he's never actually brought anyone home in the whole ten years he's known her.

“He's probably sexting him and everything, seems the two are conjoined by now.” Martyn teases.

Phil shoots him a displeased look. “I'm not sexting Marcus, I'm having a normal conversation.”

Martyn raises one eyebrow and takes a sip from the rum that somehow found it way into his hand.

Phil looks back down at his phone to hide the blush on his cheeks, only ending up blushing harder when he sees what Marcus has been texting him.

Marcus 18:55 miss u to darling, love to have you here with me right now, my bed is feeling awfully big :( x

Marcus 18:57 u may tell me this news as well later hm?

Me 19:14 If I drop my address will you come rescue me

Phil meant it as a joke but Marcus' next text was an offer he couldn't refuse.

Marcus 19:16 hows about i come pick you up?

Phil smiled down at the text, texting Marcus back telling him he would be waiting outside, along with his exact location.

“I have to go.” Phil says smiling, looking between the two lovers.

“So early? This Marcus must be super important to you.” She's happy for him but Phil doesn't miss the disappointment in her voice.

“I'll make it up to you, don't worry.”

The both look unsure as they share glances that speak more than they should, Phil can't read them, he wishes he could.

“Only if you're happy dear.” Cornelia tells him placing her hand over his, Phil doesn't know what she means by that but nods anyway.

“Of course.” He says standing up reaching over hugging Cornelia giving her a kiss on the cheek.

It feels like a final goodbye, he doesn't like it.

He nods at Martyn before walking out a smile playing loosely on his lips.

He gets to the outside of the bar, it's ugly, has a real downtown druggie vibe that Phil doesn't like it one bit.

He feels the hairs rise on the back of his neck, heat rushes throughout his body his neck on fire, he watches closes as a young boy disappears down an alleyway followed by a girl who's running after him, screaming at the top of her lungs.

“Strange to see you here.” The voices shocks him, he turns around and is greeted by Mike's smiling, surprisingly sober face.

He doesn't know what to do, Marcus told him to stay away from Mike, said those words as though he was dangerous but surrounded by a lot if potentially dangerous people Mike is a familiar friendly face.

“My brother forced me to come here.” He tells him voice in a whisper.

Mike laughs. “No need to he so mysterious about it,”

Phil just smiles politely hoping Mike will leave before Marcus shows up. “Dan's here by the way, he's just parking the car.”

Phil looks behind him, searching for Dan. “You should come in with us, have a drink, I'd love to meet your brother, he's still there yes?” Mike asks speaking at a million miles an hour.

“No, I, um, have to meet, with uh, Marcus.” It's sounds like a question, he hopes Mike doesn't tell Marcus of their exchange.

“Ah, would have thought he'd made you his bitch by now.” Mike laughs, but there's no humour to it.

“What—”

“Phil!” He's cut off by Dan's voice yelling, coming over to wrap his arms around him in a tight embrace.

Phil can smell the whiskey off him mixed with his after shave creating a disgusting smell.

“Come with us!” Dan yells tugging on Phil's arm.

“Let go of him Dan, Marcus wouldn't like that.” Mike says deadly serious watching Phil like a hawk.

Dan lets go of Phil giggling falling back onto Mike. Mike looks up behind Phil almost afraid, before turning to look at Phil.

He nods at him before walking off into the bar, dragging a drunk Dan along with him.

“Marcus didn't like that all.”

Marcus' voice comes from behind him and it scares him so much he jumps. “Jesus, a bit of warning.” Phil says turning in to Marcus.

“Mhm, come on.” Marcus says, no, instructs motioning toward his car parked on the path.

Phil furrows his eyebrows following Marcus to his car.

“Why are you so upset?” He asks when they're both sitting in the car.

Marcus starts up the engine driving off the footpath staying silent. Phil turns to look out the window, annoyed, Marcus was being a cunt, Phil just wanted to punch him.

“Don't you act all pissed off you little bitch!” Marcus practically yells at Phil, eyes glued to the road.

Phil freezes keeping his gaze on the window, he dropped his annoyed persona immediately.

“I'm not the one going around- fucking, whoring myself out to- to- to people like Michael Ora!” He continues yelling, stuttering every second, he seems so angry it's terrifying.

Phil wants to defend himself, he wants to scream to tell Marcus he wasn't whoring himself out to anyone, it wasn't even his fault that Mike was there.

“God I cannot believe I trusted you! I made you dinner!”

Phil felt bad now, Marcus probably put a lot of effort into making him dinner just to go out and find Phil talking to someone who he despises.

“I'm sorry Marcus, it wasn't my fault, he was just there, I was waiting outside for you,” Phil tries to defend himself.

“Only you.” He adds and Marcus sighs laying his head on the steering wheel.

He doesn't say anything for the rest off the drive, or on the way to his apartment, he does however say something as the walk into the living room.

“I'm sorry.” His voice sounds broken, hurt almost, and Phil wants nothing more than to reach out and hug him.

“I don't know what happened, I don't even know who that was, I'm so sorry darling, that will never happen again.” He starts crying after that, Phil's heart breaks at the first tear that rolls down his cheek, he looks so vulnerable.

Phil reaches out wrapping his arms around Marcus, pulling him in to a tight embrace. “It's okay, I'm not upset, I really like you.”

Martyn laughs sniffling, turning to kiss Phil. “I really like you too.”

chapter 8