#ugh. he’s got me some kinda way again I won’t lie just in general

[foxgloveinspace]

IV’s ‘new’ sun necklace has me feeling some type of way I won’t lie to you.

[dialovers-translations]

DIABOLIK LOVERS MORE BLOOD Vol.8: Sakamaki Subaru [Track 1+2]

Original title: 地下墓地 & 強い渇き

Source: Diabolik Lovers More, Blood Vol. 8: Sakamaki Subaru [CD not owned by me]

Audio: Here

Seiyuu: Takashi Kondou

Translator’s note: This is one of the few Subaru CDs I have yet to translate and it makes me sad because I want more content of my boy. ;w; The MB CDs in general are not my favorite because they’re very heavy on the blood-sucking and breathing sounds. Personally, I prefer something with a little more...actual plot, haha. It’s cute to see Subaru hold himself back for the MC’s sake though. ;w;

Track 1+2 ll Track 3+4 ll Track 5+6 ll Track 7+8 ll Track 9+10

→  LIKE MY TRANSLATIONS? SUPPORT ME ON KO-FI!

Track 1: Underground Cemetery

*Rustle rustle*

“Uu...Kuh...Where...am I...?”

Subaru slowly wakes up.

“It’s pitch dark...Am I inside my coffin? ...No, I’m not. ...Then where is this place...?”

*Rustle*

[00:30] “...!! Is that you...? You’re here as well...?”

He tries to move closer but flinches in pain.

“...ーーUu! ...Fuck! Seems like I got hit pretty hard on the head back then...It hurts...Ugh! Fuck this shit...!”

*THUD*

“Hah...You want me to calm down? How am I supposed to keep my cool under these circumstances...!?”

*THUD*

“We’ve been locked up who-knows-where. Those guys who smacked both of us out cold...They’re of the same kind as me.”

Your eyes widen in shock.

[01:20] “Exactly. They’re Vampires. That’s why it upsets me even more.”

*THUD*

“Ugh...Haah, haah...”

*Rustle*

“Haah, haah...Shit...Those bastards...Just doin’ as they please...I’m seriously pissed off they got a surprise attack on me...”

You frown.

[01:50] “...Hah? Did you think I’m completely invincible to any kind of pain or injury...? Well, it’s true that it takes more than a couple of punches to kill a Vampire, but we can get wounded or all beaten up.

You try and comfort him.

“...!! W-What...? Get your hands off me...”

*Rustle rustle*

“Hah...Are you showin’ pity or somethin’...? Pattin’ my head like that...Haah...”

*Rustle*

[02:30] “Ugh...I can only imagine you have a couple of screws loose. I always suck your blood as I please, so shouldn’t you be...You know...happy that I’m wounded?”

You shake your head.

“Heh. You don’t feel that way?  ...Shut up!”

*THUD*

“...Don’t be actin’ like a miss goody-two-shoes! Ugh...Actually...You...smell kinda off...?”

*Sniff sniff*

[03:19] “...!! It’s the scent of your blood!”

*Rustle rustle*

“Don’t tell me...Did they do somethin’ to you...!? Oi, answer me! I’m askin’ if they did somethin’ to you!”

*THUD*

You tell him you don’t know.

[03:36] “You don’t remember...? Don’t lie to me! There’s no point in tryin’ to cover it up! ...Tsk. Those bastards...I definitely have to beat them to pulp now or I can’t rest in peace...! Kuh...I’ll wreck them...Every single one of them!”

*Thud*

“What’s their objective even!? They beat me up, then lock us up in here after suckin’ your blood...Kuh...I can’t believe this...”

*Thud*

[04:14] “They’re makin’ fun of us...I bet they’re gettin’ a kick out of watchin’ my every move...”

*Thud*

You wonder what they want.

“What they’re after? ...That’s obvious, isn’t it!? They jsut want to...ridicule me...Ugh...Kuh...The fuck...!? What’s this thirst...!? Ugh...”

*Rustle*

[04:47] “Didn’t you hear me when I told you to keep your hands to yourself earlier!? Are you deaf!? Haven’t you...gone even more crazy than usual...? Is it ‘cause they sucked your blood?”

You feel offended.

“...’That’s cruel’? How so? I’m just speakin’ the truth. ...Heh! I bet it felt good for you? You’re that kinda woman. I’m well awaーー ...?”

*Crumble crumble*

“...Watch out!! Ackーー!”

Track 2: Intense Thirst

*Crumble crumble*

“...Ugh...Fuck...The ceiling collapsed...”

*Rustle*

“Oi...Everythin’ alright...? ーー Kuh!”

*Rustle rustle*

[00:18] “...Ugh...There’s a large boulder...on top of my leg...”

*Rustle*

“You keep still, ‘kay?”

*Rustle rustle*

“Uu...Fuck! Hahー!”

Subaru tries to wriggle his way out.

“Haah, haah...I’m stuck...Honestly, I’m out of luck...Anyway, this place...”

He looks around.

[00:49] “It must be an old building of some sorts after all...You...have no idea where we are, huh? ...Hah, of course you don’t. This is probably an...underground graveyard...One especially made for Vampires...Reiji has told me they exist in this world as well. The basement of old buildings have been turned into cemeteries. Che...Disgustin’...It’s narrow and gives me the creeps...”

*Crumble crumble*

[01:32] “Ugh, fuckーー! ...However...My power levels aren’t what they’d usually be...Like this rock on my leg...Fuck...Under normal circumstances, I’d have no issue shatterin’ it...Haah...Lame...”

*Rustle rustle*

“...I must look like a fool...”

*Thud*

“Say...Are you not scared...? It’s pitch black in here...Humans are afraid of the dark, aren’t they?”

You frown.

[02:20] “I don’t mind the dark...You could even say this feels extremely comforting to me...”

You grab hold of his hand.

“...? Why are you holdin’ my hand?”

You explain.

“...!? So you’re scared after all...? ...You’re in the way, let go...!”

*Rustle*

“...Stay away from me...! Haah, haah...My throat’s...even more parched than usual...Haah, haah...Whatever! Don’t try and meddle with me...! ...Just...move away, ‘kay? Haah...Hurry!”

*Rustle*

*Crumble crumble*

[03:14] “...I want to be alone right now. If you weren’t makin’ a damn fuss near my ear, this place would be barely any different from bein’ inside my coffin.”

You protest.

“Wha...? Aahn...? You won’t leave and you couldn’t even if you wanted to?”

*Rustle*

“Well...I guess we’re kind of stuck in place now that the wall crumbled apart...”

*Rustle*

[03:48] “Ah...Fuck...! This is such a pain...! If you can’t leave, then at least shut your mouth! I don’t want to hear another word from you. ...Kuh...Once I’ve recovered my strength...I’ll make quick work of these damn rocks...and we’re gettin’ out of here at once. 

Ugh...Haah...Argh...Somethin’ is off after all...I’m so much more thirsty than usual...Hah...Did they drug me in some way while I was out cold...!?”

*Thud*

“Kuh...”

*THUD*

“...Fuck!”

You ask Subaru what he’s doing.

[04:40] “...You want to know what I’m doin’...? Isn’t that obvious!? I’m gonna wreck this stupid boulder...and get out of here! Ugh...Ah...Shit! Haah, haah...Che! Guess it’s no use after all...The fuck’s goin’ on...!? ...It feels like the front and back of my throat are glued together...Haah, haah...Fuck...Since you’re right next to me, it’s even worse...Haah, haah...Move away from me! The scent...of your blood is too strong...Hurry!!”

You try and scoot away a little.

[05:37] “Ah...Haah...The scent of your blood...is makin’ me feel sick...So...Aahn? What...?”

You ponder over the cause of his thirst.

“If it’s ‘cause some other Vampire sucked your blood? Cut the crap! What do you mean!? ...I didn’t...mean it like that or anythin’...”

You speak up again.

[06:11] “Shut up! Don’t make me repeat myself time after time! ...Do you want me to suck your blood or somethin’, aahn!? ...If that’s your wish, then fine by me. I’ll start by shuttin’ up that noisy mouth of yours...”

Subaru suddenly pins you down.

*Thud*

*Rustle rustle*

“You want me to do this, don’t you?”

*Smooch*

“Mmh...Nn...”

He kisses you passionately.

*Smooch*

“Do you want me to...plunge my fangs into you...and give you pain? ...Aah!?”

*THUD*

*Rustle rustle* 

[07:08] “If that’s not what you want...then keep your hands off me. Time after time...You come my way without bein’ prepared to deal with the consequences...Ugh! It’s damn annoyin’...!”

*Rustle* 

“Uu...Fuck...My head’s spinnin’...”

*Thud*

[07:39] “Haah, haah...What’s happenin’...? The thirst keeps on growin’ stronger...Fuck...Haah...Ugh...This might be...pretty bad honestly...”

ーー TO BE CONTINUED ーー

[samstrugglingwithlife]

Pushing Him Out Of The Way And Getting Hit By A Volleyball

Genre: Fluff

Characters: Kuroo, Tsukishima, Iwaizumi, Osamu

Warning: Lots of swearing in Osamu’s part. Also head injuries???

A/n: I think this is the longest piece of work I’ve written so far. It’s like 2k something words. I hope you like it! I tried to keep it general reader but may or may not have made reader female in Iwaizumi’s part. Enjoy!

KUROO

You joined the boys at the summer training camp as a temporary manager. Your boyfriend was super grateful because Yamamoto would finally stop whining about not having a manager he could show off to Karasuno. And you being with him all week was a bonus.

It was a match between Fukurodani and Shinzen High. Nekoma had just won their nth game against Karasuno, so Kuroo and a bunch of other teammates were observing the game between the Owls and the other team.

You were hanging out with Karasuno's managers, sparing occasional glances towards your boyfriend. Kuroo kept looking at you too, smiling fondly and wriggling his eyebrows at you, making you laugh.

Bokuto spiked the ball with all his might, it deflected off the blockers' arms and flew full speed towards your boyfriend who was currently looking at the data that Shibayama had graciously gathered. Everything was in slow motion as your feet moved by themself until you were pushing your boyfriend aside with all the force you could muster. 

Kuroo stumbled backwards, almost falling on his ass. The ball hit you on the head with a loud resounding smack, everyone gasped as you fell to the floor. "Y/n!" Kuroo called out in a panicked voice as he rushed to your side and helped you sit up.

"Are you okay? Can you hear me? Do you know who I am? Where are we? What is the date?!" You groaned, "Ughh, Tetsu quiet please, my brain feels like it's rearranged..."

Kuroo sighed in relief. Bokuto also came running and crouched beside Kuroo who was holding you up, "Y/n-chan! I'm so sorry!" he apologised, his eyes almost brimming with tears. You waved your right hand, your left still clutching the side of your head, "It's okay, It's not your fault," you reassure him.

"Let's get you some ice, okay?" your boyfriend says, his voice laced with worry. He helps you up and supports your weight as he leads you to the infirmary with one of the coaches.  

Kuroo holds the icepack to the side of your head, you groan at the pain. He coos at you. "Why did you do that?" he asks softly. You shrug but wince, "Dunno. It just kinda happened. I didn't want you to get hurt," you smile at him. He removes the icepack and kisses the injury as tenderly as possible.

You grin, "Did I make your heart flutter?" he chuckles and pinches your cheek, "Absolutely, my knight in shining armour," he teases. You both smile at each other, most fondly.

Kuroo cups your cheek with his palm and leans forward, you both close your eyes as your lips connect in a sweet kiss. His lips moved against yours gently but passionately. He pulls back, running his thumb over your cheek in gentle circles. You look at him, brows scrunched and slightly pale.

"What's wrong?" he asks, face still close to yours. "I'm about to throw up..." you say, hands clamped over your mouth, your face almost turning green.

"Oh... OH HOLD ON!" he panicked. "BUCKET. LET ME GO GET A BUCKET!" "Bleeerrrgghhh!" "Y/N!!!!!"

TSUKISHIMA

Yo! Imagine Third Year Tsukki. OOfff! The flavour!

It was during practice, a bunch of first years were practising serves as Yamaguchi and Kageyama were supervising them.

Tsukishima was taking a small break, grabbing his water bottle and drinking from it. You approach him with his towel and gently dab the sweat from his face and neck. "Take it easy, babe," you say as you drape the towel over his neck. Tsukishima hmms in reply.

It became a routine for you to hang out at the volleyball gym and wait for your boyfriend on days where you didn't have your club activities. Today too, you were sitting on one of the benches with Yachi and Takeda Sensei; giving Tsukishima his towel or water every time he took a break.

The two of you were in your own little world when you hear one of the first years scream, "Senpai watch out!"

Apparently, a first-year had accidentally served the ball in the wrong direction, it was flying towards you and Tsukishima.

Without thinking, you nudge your boyfriend aside, the ball hits you smack dab in the middle of your forehead. You screw your eyes shut and place your hand on your throbbing forehead, "Owww..." you mumble. Even though it was not a strong serve, the ball still hit pretty hard, causing an angry red mark to appear on your forehead.

Tsukishima glares maliciously at the first year who yelps in surprise and quickly bows, "I'm so sorry!" he repeats over and over again, head still bowed. You roll your eyes and smack your boyfriend on his arm, "Kei! It was an accident!" you turn to the first year and smile, waving your hand in dismissal, "It's okay, just be more careful next time."

"You should still get it checked at the infirmary. See if you've got a concussion or not," Coach Ukai suggests. "I'll go with Y/n," Tsukishima says as he grabs your hand and takes you to the infirmary.

After the school nurse clears that you don't have a concussion and suggests that you rest a little while before going home, Tsukishima grabs your face in both his hands and examines the redness, "Are you an idiot?" he asks exasperated.

You pout and scrunch your nose, "And here I thought you would thank me for saving your face!" you hmph and cross your arms. Tsukishima smirks as he pinches both your cheeks and pulls, "My face? It would've hit my chest at most Y/n."

You smack his hands away and glare playfully at him, "Ungrateful asshole," you mutter. Tsukishima sighs and gently touches your forehead, "Does it hurt?" he asks solemnly. "A little," you reply, "Kiss it better?"

With a sigh, he leans forward and gently places his lips on your red forehead. Then he pushes you down on the bed, "Rest, I'll come get you after practice."

You nod as you lie down and close your eyes. "Promise me, you won't bully the first-years..." you say before your drift off to take a small nap. With a fond smile that you couldn't see Tsukishima says, "I won't... not too much."

True to his word, Tsukishima didn't terrorise the first years. Well, he didn't bully them as much as he wanted to. At least, he held back because he promised you.

IWAIZUMI

No girls were allowed in the gym when the team was practising because of a certain you-know-who. No girls were allowed except for you. That was because you had zero interest in the pretty boy setter, Oikawa; you were only there for one and one man only, your absolutely amazing boyfriend, Iwaizumi. It helped that you were not annoying like the setter's fangirls and you also helped out as a temporary manager.

Just like all the other days, you enter the gym. Iwaizumi sees you and runs to you to greet you. "Hey, babe!" you greet as he holds your hand and smiles at you. 

Oikawa was currently practising his killer serve while the others were taking a break. He hit the ball hard, but somehow messed up the trajectory and hit it directly in his best friend's direction. "Shit! Iwa-chan!" 

You gasped and pushed Iwaizumi behind you, the ball hitting you right on your head. "Y/n!" Iwaizumi yells in alarm, "Are you okay?!!"

You blinked once, then twice, then turn your head towards your boyfriend, "I think I'm okay..."

Oikawa and the other teammates come running towards you, "Crap! Y/n-chan I am so sorry! Are you okay?! We should take you to the nurse."

Before Iwaizumi could yell and cuss at the setter, you spoke up, "You have to be careful Oikawa! What if you hit someone who couldn't take it? It's dangerous, have more care!"

Everyone, including your boyfriend, stares at you incredulously. "Y-y/n are you sure you're okay?" Iwaizumi asks confusedly. You nod, "Yeah! But who is that man in a black suit?" you say, pointing behind Oikawa. "What man?" "That man with the white face," you say, still pointing. "I don't see anyone-Y/N?!" suddenly you fall to the floor in a heap, passing out on the spot.

You wake up with a groan. "Ugh! Where am I?" you say as you sit up. "In the infirmary," you yelp when you hear your boyfriend's gruff voice. "Hajime! What happened?" you asked. Your boyfriend sighs as he sits next to you, "Oikawa spike-served the ball on your head," he answers. "Y/n-chan I am so freaking sorry!" you finally notice the other third years in the room. "Oh, hey guys!"

Hanamaki snickers, "No wonder you met the grim reaper." You look at your boyfriend in bewilderment. "You said you saw a man in a black suit before you passed out," he informs you. "Ohhhhh..." you didn't know what to say.

Soon after checking up on you, the others shuffled out of the infirmary, leaving you and your boyfriend with some privacy.

"So..." you begin but wince as he flicks your forehead. "Idiot!" he scolds, "What were you thinking! What if you got hurt even worse?!"

You pout, "I'm sorry! My body moved on its own! Besides, I couldn't watch you get hurt!" 

He sighs and runs his hand through his spiky hair, "It's better for me to get hit than you," you smile fondly. "Did that scare you?"

Iwaizumi blushes and looks away, "A little..." You coo at him and kiss his cheek, "I'll be more careful next time."

He gets up and helps you gather your bags, offering to walk you home. As you two make your way towards the gate, you see Oikawa waiting for you guys. He waves at you guys and Iwaizumi shows him the bird making you roll your eyes and elbow his side. "Should I ram his head against a wall?" "Don't be like that Hajime, I'm fine!"

OSAMU

Today was just an unlucky day for you. First, you almost slipped and fell face first in front of your entire class, then your hair almost caught on fire in the science lab. You were exhausted to the point where you started to drag your feet.

Osamu had offered to walk you home after practice, so there you were, sitting on one of the benches, watching the boys practice.

"Rough day?" your boyfriend asks as he sits down next to you, wiping his sweat. "Don't even ask 'Samu," you sigh. He furrows his brows in worry and gently pats your back. You guys watch the court, Atsumu practising his jump serve. 

"Oi! 'Samu!" he calls out to his brother. "Come practice spiking with me!" he yells. "No thanks," your boyfriend replies listlessly. Atsumu growls and fucking spikes the ball towards you guys. As if on instinct, you push Osamu aside. The ball hits you hard right on your face, and you fall back off the bench, hitting your head on the wooden floor.

"Y/n!" Osamu calls in alarm. You hear Atsumu mutter "Shit!" as he comes running to you, you look up, face blank. Osamu helps you sit up. Kita and Aran gather around you asking if you're okay.

Osamu grumpily stomps over to Atsumu, you hear another "Oh shit!"

The twins literally get into a fistfight! You're still on the floor, all but forgotten as you watch Osamu and Atsumu roll around on the floor pulling each others' hair. "Why did you hit Y/n!" "I said I was sorry!" "You fucking did not! You shit pig!" "Fucking bitch!" "Piss head!" "Fuck stain!" "Dick wad!"

While you're watching, confused out of your mind, you feel wetness trickle down your nose. Lifting your hand up to your nose, you touch it, the moment you pull back, you see blood staining your fingers.

"Y/n's bleeding!" someone exclaims. Suddenly, Osamu and Atsumu freeze in their spot. Osamu rushes to your side, grabbing his towel and holding the clean end to your nose.

Atsumu also rushes to your side, "Shit Y/n! I'm so fucking sorry!" he apologises. You wave your hand in dismissal, unable to speak as Osamu is holding the towel to your nose.

Later, when Osamu is walking you home, your nostril is stuffed with tissue. You're dragging your feet beside him. "Today has been a bitch..." you chuckle dryly. Osamu looks at you worried and hugs you to his chest. "Sorry 'bout today..." he mumbles. 

He pulls back and cups your face in his palms, he leans forward and kisses the bridge of your nose, his touch almost ghost-like. "Wanna go eat ramen with me?" he asks. Your face lights up as you nod frantically.

Osamu chuckles and gets on his knees, his back facing you, "Hop on," he says, "I'll carry you."

[sakiyo]

COOKING WITH THEM

[HEADCANONS]

how would late night/early morning cooking would go with atsumu, osamu, sakusa and suna

contains: food, mention of w33d <33, dirty jokes

genre: fluff

OSAMU MIYA

this man never passes up the opportunity to cook with you

he totally got you guys matching aprons for this moment

anyways, he’s basically a cooking GOD so cooking with him goes relatively smooth

relatively because you and osamu make your own secret recipes and have a makeshift recipe book

so you’re always trying new things and it’s basically either a hit or miss

hit being that it’s the best thing ever to come out of the oven/pan/pot

or it’s a complete mess and tastes like last weeks gradually rotting leftovers

“i think there’s an eggshell in this..”

“i knew we screwed up somewhere.”

“too much spice!”

sometimes when neither of you can sleep, you both start cooking a light meal in the middle of the night.

but then it just ends up getting burnt because you both decided to fall asleep when it was in the oven

he has a ‘KISS THE COOK :*’ apron and wears it religiously

he’s always shirtless when wearing it, and has grey sweats on to match (ugh yes samu ur such a meal‼️)

there’s also an unspoken rule that you have to kiss him when he’s wearing the apron, so he wears it all the time to steal a smooch from ya <3

“well would ya look at that, i’m wearin the apron, y’know what that means?”

“it means that you’re taking advantage of that apron, ‘samu.”

“guilty~”

atsumu is always your test subject for trying you and osamu’s creations, but sometimes you both purposely screw up just to get a reaction out of the blonde twin

ATSUMU MIYA

ok. atsumu CAN cook...he just...doesn’t.

cut him some slack, he’s a pro volleyball player that probably eats out a bunch most of the time

but once the two of you moved in together he definitely made an effort to cook homemade meals more

he’s definitely not osamu, but he can totally make basic ones

however, the one time that the two of you had decided to try something out of your comfort zone...

atsumu started a fire and the fire department had to come

“do ya smell something...”

“jesus christ atsumu you’re burning the eggs!”

“i thought ya were watching it!”

“you put too much oil, dumbass!”

so pretty much, now the idea of cooking together is pretty much just YOU cooking the food and atsumu handing you the ingredients and chopping up vegetables

when you guys decide to make a meal at like 2 am, it’s good vibes only‼️❌⭕️💢

literally you’re sitting on the counter top and atsumu is trapped between both your legs and you’re playing with his hair while he’s scrolling through his phone as you wait for the water to boil

sometimes you end up sharing a few kisses, which leads to the water spilling out of the pot and unto atsumu’s leg

“yer so pretty at night- OW, FUCK!”

“oh my god atsumu get away i need to check the water-“

while you’re cooking he sneaks up behind you, wraps his arms around your waist and drapes his head on your shoulders

always expect some mellow or soft music (the go to is Easily by Bruno Major) while cooking at night!

while the songs play, sometimes you and atsumu dance together around the kitchen

in the end, the food usually sucks, and atsumu won’t waste a second telling you that.

“i’m not going to lie, this sucks.”

KIYOOMI SAKUSA

this man...

he IS mr. perfect pretty much.

cooking??? he’s got it on lock he can do it all

i personally see sakusa as someone who just doesn’t like to give up easily, so he would definitely try to recreate as many dishes until it turned out properly

honestly, his idea of cooking with you at first was him cooking, and you sitting a fair distance away from the kitchen

and this is just because he’s used to throwing it down in the kitchen by himself

but overtime hes warmed up to you and you both cook together, of course while being marginally clean

sakusa absolutely loves making foreign foods because they challenge him

whenever he flies internationally for leisure or volleyball, he always comes back with at least one cookbook

whenever the two of you have time, you try to finish the recipes in the cookbooks

sakusa always finds it adorable when you struggle to keep up with him (since you aren’t the best at making foreign dishes) and he always finds a way to tease you about it

“you can’t even follow simple instructions,y/n? that’s pretty embarrassing.”

“shut yer trap! i’m trying my hardest!”

sakusa would just laugh and proceed to continuing cooking, leaving you a flustered and embarrassed mess <3

sakusa ain’t too big on pda in the kitchen, because you’re cooking and it can wait

the most he’ll do is wrap his hands around your waist as you both wait for the food

cooking with you can also sometimes be sakusa worst nightmare

you tend to get messy sometimes, you’re never seen without a stain on the side of your face

“you’re so messy, clean up the counter.”

while you’re a giggling fit, sakusa is veryyyy unamused

and he certain isn’t laughing when you purposely get him messy with a stain or two

while he just stares at you in shock, you take this as your cue to bolt and start running for your life cuz baby, he’s comin ‼️🗣

so basically, half of your cooking sessions end up with you getting chased by a flour-clad sakusa kiyoomi around the kitchen

but in the end, you’re always met with amazing food

SUNA RINTARO

suna.

he CAN cook.

but it doesn’t mean he’s good at it.

if it was possible, he would definitely burn water

although he’s usually attentive, he can get super absent minded when it comes to cooking, cause it’s borin and his phone is more important ‼️

like atsumu, suna’s idea of cooking together is once again, YOU cooking, and him stealing bits of food from the pots and pans

“this one tastes really good. we’re so talented babe.”

“we? you were sitting on your ass and i was cooking...but yeah, we’re talented.”

you learned your lesson to NEVER ask suna to cook for you...

when you had asked him to make you breakfast, he had made himself at home in the kitchen, acting as if he was about to bring out a 5-star meal

“you’re going to love this one, babe.”

he really presented a slightly BURNT piece of toast with butter on it, and a glass of water with a shittily cut slice of lemon to go with

“viola, babe, dig in”

“how on earth did you even burn the damn toast.”

he also offered bring you breakfast in bed, and you were met with a half cooked plate of scrambled eggs with half the eggshells in it

“suna...did you even let it cook?”

long story short...baby do better‼️

he’s literally so annoying you ask him what he feels like eating and says ‘you’ as if he’s doing the most 🙄

now you’re just completely convinced that suna cannot cook for the life of him, which is kinda true

but you’d be surprised at how he suddenly turned into a cooking god when it came to baking edibles

sometimes he goes all out, making you wear a coat, goggles and shit

“edibles are delicate and must be handled property.”

“so you’ve become a scientist, suna?”

he gets really into it when making edibles

it’s you and him time, so no electronics in the kitchen! just you, him, and some urban music playing as you wait for the edible cookies, brownies and rice krispies to finish baking

both of you are on the floor in front of the oven, backs against the counter while you just talk to each other

sometimes, if you’re both feeling affectionate enough, you’ll sit in between his legs and rest across his chest

and when the edibles are done, you get absolutely zooted (responsibly of course)

gen taglist: @bokukiyoom

also thank you to viru baby for helping me with these headcanons ily babe!!

*send an ask to be added to general taglist

[thiswasinevitableid]

for the meet ugly asks, 08 with the ot4 if that’s ok? (the note in the locker one, in case I have the wrong number). rating up to you! :)

Here you go! I went NSFW

Joseph is not missing his chance. Not again.

If he’s keeping count, which he’s certainly not, he’s missed fifty-two chances between fifth grade and now.

Barclay’s family moved next door in the summer of 1951, causing eleven year old Joseph to learn very quickly what it’s like to have someone whose side you never want to leave. Lucky for him, Barclay felt the same way; they were in the same boyscout troop, were each others first choice for sleep overs or outings where they were allowed to take one friend. When they hit high school, Barclay went out for football because Joseph did (and Joseph did because that’s what upstanding young men do). They played together all four years, Barclays growth spurt rendering him doubly dangerous on defense and the dominant source of Joseph’s late-night fantasies. Joseph did debate club alone, but Barclay joined him for chess club. And when Barclay bought his car, his first stop was to take Joseph cruising, just the two of them.

Unluckily, Joseph’s never worked up the nerve to tell Barclay how he feels. This may be why he hasn’t had a date since the spring hop two years ago, while Barclay’s had quite a few (cheerleaders and band boys alike can’t seem to resist his physique and general gentleness).

That all changes today. Joseph slipped a note into Barclays locker right before lunch that conveyed all relevant information.

Dear you,

Drive in on Friday? We can park in the back row.

Love,

Joseph.

He’s sitting in his normal spot on the bench near the cafeteria, doing his best impersonation of someone who’s heart isn’t in his throat.

As he’s scanning the crowd, none other than Duck Newton begins weaving his way over to him, leather jacket reflecting the sun and his black hair combed back as always. Joseph was wary of him for years--as any good square is of kids from the rough side of town--until they got paired together in biology their senior year. Duck, who seems not to give a shit about school the rest of the time, is incredibly good at science. And he’s funny, nearly got them both kept after class for cracking a joke that made Joseph lose his breath laughing.

The problem is, right now he’s waving a very familiar piece of paper.

“Gotta say, I’m pretty fuckin flattered, Joe. But, uh” he leans on the table, smiling playfully, “I gotta make sure ‘Drid is okay with me playin backseat bingo with someone who ain’t him.”

“Um.” Joseph shakes his head, trying not to focus on the idea of Duck holding his head in his lap in the dark corner of the drive in, “I, I’m so sorry. I must have been nervous enough to put the note in the wrong locker. Not, not that you’re not a catch.”

Duck raises his eyebrow, “1650 or 1652?”

“1652.”

“Huh. Well, I got shop class with Barclay. You want me to just give it to him?”

“No.” Joseph holds out his hand.

Duck places the letter in it with a shrug, “Suit yourself, slick. See you later.”

Joseph rips the letter to shreds, tosses it in the trash, and hopes that’s the end of this humiliating error.

It’s not.

“Hello, Joseph.” Indrid Cold rests a shoulder on the locker next to his. There’s no one in Kepler High quite like him; his family moved from California three years ago, which most people use as the explanation for Indrid’s red glasses, crystal necklace, and pale hair that is always a quarter-inch shy of the principal writing him up for it. He’s never struck Joseph as the kind to fight, but he did mistakenly proposition his boyfriend three hours ago.

“Indrid. How can I help you?”

The taller boy hands him a folded slip of notebook paper, “By taking me up on this invitation.”

Before Joseph can ask any questions, Indrid is disappearing down the hall. The paper contains a hand drawn map to an X, under which is the word “Bash” but nothing else. Joseph has never been invited to any kind of party that needed a secret map. He mostly just gets invited to get togethers because he’s the captain of the football team. No one talks to him once he’s there. Well, except Barclay.

He stares at the map; he doesn’t have to be home until ten. He’s never going to get a chance to make the scene like this again.

Joseph shuts his locker and hurries to his car.

------------------------------------------------------

Indrid’s remarkably accurate map leads him to a dirt parking lot beneath the sign for Amnesty Point. As he follows the signs for the “beach house,” a Coaster’s song drifts through the air, underscored by splashes from the lake to his right. He’s deep in the woods on the wrong side of the tracks, but even so he’s unprepared for how everyone lounging around the weathered picnic tables on a shaded patio stops talking and stares at him.

“Who the fuck invited the square?” Someone whispers, making him wish he hadn’t left the map in the car.

“Joseph?”

He turns so fast the gravel flies. Barclay, clad in a grease-stained apron, is smiling so bright it evaporates his nervousness.

“Hi, big guy.”

His friend hoists him in a hug, “I’m so glad you’re here, Indrid said he invited you but I wasn’t sure you’d come.”

“He piqued my curiosity. Um, is this the new job you were so cagey about?”

“Yep. Mama--she runs this place--pays real well, but tries to keep Amnesty Point kinda secret. Cops just love busting places like this up for no reason.”

Joseph nods, still a little hurt Barclay didn’t trust him enough to share where he worked. His friend must notice the dip in his smile before he hides it, because he adds, “It’s gonna be even better working here now that you know where to find me. Listen, um, I gotta get back before Jake sets something on fire, but the burger stand closes at eight. I’ll come find you after that. Duck and Indrid are down by the dock, if you want company.”

He absolutely does, since the alternative is looking even more out of place by being the only person here alone.

When he hits the grey sand, Duck is just pulling himself back onto dry land. The half moon scars on his chest are the only reminders of the trip he took to San Francisco last summer.

“Glad you showed up, slick. Day like this, the water is the only nice place to be.”

“I wish I’d known, I would have brought my swim shorts.” Maybe if he rolls up his pant legs he can get some relief from the heat…

“Could just go in your boxers. I won’t tell.” Duck winks.

“Nothing is also allowed.” Indrid lilts, floating past on his back.

Joseph looks at him, then at the planks of the dock because Indrid is also demonstrating that second option without a care.

Duck snickers, “sugar, put somethin on, you’re scandalizin’ the poor guy.”

“Very well. But I demand help with the sunblock in payment for quashing my self-expression this way.”

“You’re soundin like your pops there, ‘Drid.”

“....ugh, you’re right.” A splash and the soft fwup of a towel, “alright, Joseph, I’m decent.” He is, but his swim shorts leave very little to the imagination. Joseph stares a moment too long, notices Duck smirking when he looks away.

The greaser holds out a bottle of sunblock and they get to work.

“Goddamn, this wouldn’t take so long if you weren’t so fuckin long everywhere.”

“You’ve never complained about that before.” Indrid grins, red sunglasses hiding his eyes. He doesn’t lift a finger to help them, but Duck seems to get a kick from it. Joseph wonders if he spoils Indrid like this in everything they do. If Indrid ever does it back.

(If either of them would do it for him).

They spend the evening talking, Duck skipping stones and Indrid sunning himself while Joseph dangles his legs in the water. When they get back to the beach house Joseph receives fewer stares, Duck and Indrid’s company substituting for cool. He and Duck get a real dinner, but Indrid opts to down three Cokes in place of a meal.

When Barclay closes up shop, he’s immediately at Joseph’s side. Joseph is about to suggest they all go for a walk when Indrid winks at Barclay and steers Duck towards the trees with a promise to see Joseph at school tomorrow.

“You get on okay while I was working?” Barclay starts them on a path towards the edge of the point.

“I did. It was actually really nice just to spend time talking with people who like me. Or at least don’t hate me enough to shove me in the water fully clothed.”

“Nah, they’re not those kind of guys. Hell, it was their idea to invite you here. I was, uh, I was too shy.”

He stops, turning to face Barclay, “what do mean?”

“Duck told me about the note.”

“Oh lord.”

“Not on purpose, he just mentioned he’d seen you and when I asked how you were doing, well, you know he can’t lie for shit. So Indrid suggested we invite you out here.”

“Out of pity?”

“No.” Barclay frowns, sets his hands on Joseph’s shoulders, “Joseph, why didn’t you just ask me out in person?”

“I was too nervous. I thought it might ruin everything.”

“Not a chance, blue eyes.” Barclay rumbles. Then he’s kissing him, gentle and slow, whimpering when Joseph kisses back and cups his face. When they part, he’s certain there’s nothing but air under his feet.

“Can we do that again?”

“Not tonight. Your curfew is still ten.”

“Shit, you’re right, if I don’t get on the road I’ll be late.”

“Lemme walk you to your car. I gotta hang around since I’m Indrid and Duck’s ride home tonight.”

“Do you want to go get them so we can all leave together?”

Barclay chuckles, tips his head towards the woods where a faint, rhythmic grunting cane be heard.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, not gonna ruin their fun.” He pulls Joseph into a much more heated kiss, then sighs, “get home safe, blue eyes.”

---------------------------------------------------------

Joseph suffered through both the personal hygiene class at school and his father’s lecture on what to expect now that he was truly a man. But nothing in either of those taught him what to do if he’s so hot under the collar he can’t focus but the guy who’s causing it won’t just fuck him.

He and Barclay have gone out every Friday for the last month, steaming up the car windows with their kissing sessions. They tried to work out who was supposed to give who their varsity jacket and settled on just trading, Joseph smiling whenever he spots Barclays name on his back. And Barclay tells everyone Joseph is his boyfriend with a level of pride he never gave their state football wins.

But he won’t go all the way with him. One Sunday afternoon they were listening to records in Barclays room when the larger boy rolled across the rug to straddle Joseph. His hands were hot and a little rough on his cock, Joseph moaning into his mouth as he came in under a minute. Before he could reciprocate, the front door banged open, announcing the return of Barclay’s parents. His boyfriend told him not to worry about it and kissed him on the cheek.

He’s worried Barclay loves him but doesn’t want him. He’s worried that if he ever does, Joseph will embarrass himself, be so inexperienced and inelegant he’ll turn him off forever. He wonders if he can entice Barclay to ask him to fuck so he doesn’t have to admit the embarssing intensity of his desire.

“Duck? Do you, um, do you think I’d look better if I dressed like you?”

The greaser looks up from his notes, “Maybe? I mean, I dress like this because I dig it. You wanna try it, go wild.”

Joseph nods, intending to drop it. Instead, he slows his stride by Duck during their laps in gym.

“It’s just, I’m worried I’m too square for anyone to be really into me.”

“Joe, what the fuck is this about?”

“Newton, I heard that! That’s an extra lap.”

“Son of uh, hold on, are you worried about Barclay? Because he’s so into your goody-goody thing I’m surprised he ain’t asked you to fuck him with your report card.”

“Stern, you’re done, get off the track!”

He jogs to the bleachers, Duck’s words rattling around long after he’s hit the locker room.

“You’re really worried about this, ain’t you? You’re smart, slick, but I swear sometimes you can’t see what’s right in front of you.” Duck is behind him, still in his gym clothes while Joseph is half changed out of them. They’re both dawdling, the locker room empty save for some other stragglers near the bathroom.

“Duck, if I were in high demand, I’d be getting more, um, attention than I-”

His sentence is cut short by Duck yanking him down into a kiss, lips salty with sweat and so demanding Joseph wants to get on his knees.

Duck pulls back, pats his cheek, “Like I said; right in front of you.”

With that he waves and leaves the room the back way. Joseph can’t even be mad for cutting school; right now, he’s almost ready to follow him.

-------------------------------------------------

“I really must thank you again.” Indrid clears the low table of his math notes, “my focus is such that I struggle with math much more than I’d like. Having someone sit and walk me through it in a calm setting helps a great deal.”

“I’m always happy. Barclay can too, if you ever can’t get a hold of me.”

“Oh, I know he can. He helped me last year.” Indrid stretches his legs; they’re on the floor of his VW Westfalia. His parents let him live in it on the property behind their one-story house as long as he continues to be a cooperative member of the household.

“I didn’t know that.”

“It was only a few times, though he often lingered when we were through.” Indrid’s emphasis makes Joseph blush.

“Duck and I weren’t going steady yet. And my cocksucking skills are not the stuff of legend for nothing.” Indrid smiles, dreamily.

“Oh. Um.” Joseph shifts his notebook into his lap.

Indrid sits up straighter, “I apologize. I, ah, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“I’m not sure that’s what this is.”

Indrid cocks his head, “No? Envy perhaps? After all, you’ve had years to dream about him, to hope you’d be the first, and here comes a skinny little freak from the coast to beat you to it.”

“You’re not a freak” Joseph says softly, “I, I can’t say I blame Barclay for taking you up on it.”

“He does have excellent taste” Indrid looks pointedly over his glasses at him. The heat under his skin doubles as Indrid crawls forward, “you know, Duck and I have an...understanding. But if you and Barclay do not, I can stop. I mean, I can stop regardless, if you don’t want this.” He lowers to his belly between Joseph’s legs, nuzzles his fly with a hum.

“I, I--ohlord” He moans when Indrid mouths at his slacks; he’s getting hard, if he had his way he’d lay down and let Indrid suck him off until he came on his glasses. But he knows he won’t enjoy it if he isn’t sure how Barclay feels.

“I, we should stop. Please.”

Indrid sits up, smiling, “Of course. Would you like to stay for dinner? My mother is making fish stew instead of tofu salad for once.”

“...I’d love to.”

---------------------------------------------

“I didn’t know Amnesty owned all this.” Joseph let’s Barclay guide him through the trees.

“Yeah, Mama’s family bought it years ago and she’s hung onto it through some seriously nasty shit. Hah, there they are.” Barclay waves to Duck and Indrid, resting against each other on a massive, checkered blanket. His boyfriend sets the picnic basket down and then, confusingly, turns off the lantern Duck brought.

“Okay, baby, there’s something I’ve got to ask” Barclay looks at him, “do you think I don’t wanna make it with you?”

“Truthfully? Yes. You, you’ve barely gone beyond some heavy petting, meanwhile Indrid was offering to blow me.” He slaps a hand over his mouth; there go all three of these relationships.

Barclay shrugs, “He told me about that.”

“Honesty is important. Most of the time.” Indrid grins.

“Blue eyes, I’m crazy about you. I’ve just been going slow because I was afraid I’d stress you out. I know how you get, Joseph. You put so much pressure on yourself to do everything right, I was worried you’d try so hard to be perfect for me that you wouldn’t enjoy it at all.”

Joseph stares into deep brown eyes, eyes he’s loved since he was a boy. Then he laughs softly, rests his head on Barclay’s shoulder, “You really do know me well, you know that.”

“Oh, oh baby” Barclay holds him closer, “you really think there was a way of touching me that’d disappoint me? Fuck, just getting to kiss you makes me the happiest guy in the state.”

“That being said” Duck drawls, “aint there somethin about practice makin perfect?”

“I, are, is this really what you three want?”

“Yes” Indrid nods, “but if you don’t, well, we shall never speak of it again.”

“I do. Sweet fucking christ I do.” He kisses Barclay ferociously as the other two scoot closer.

“Hmm, I believe we should let seniority decide. Barclay, what’s your preference?”

His boyfriend pulls back, kissing his jaw, “Do you wanna blow me, blue eyes?”

“So badly.”

“That settles that. Duck, what about--ah, I see you’re already taking off your pants, so I guess you’re fucking hm. He’s fucking you? Ah, semantics.” Indrid waves his hand dismissively.

“Wait, does, do we have a rubber?”

Duck pulls one from his wallet, “never leave to see this one without one. I know how he is.”

Indrid pecks his cheek, then grins, “I believe, Joseph, that leaves me to help you with your hand jobs.”

“Fuck, yes.”

“On your back, baby.” Barclays nudges him and he falls onto the blanket. For a moment only the trees and stars look down on him; then Barclays face fills his vision as his hands open his fly and guide his cock out.

“AHshit, shit that’s good.” He bucks as his boyfriend jerks him off steadily, his cock standing at attention in a matter of seconds.

“Okay big fella, you go get your dick sucked.” Duck straddles him. He’s down to only his undershirt, his muscular thighs, soft belly, and strong arms on full displays as he rolls the condom down.

“You’re so handsome” Joseph sighs.

Duck seems to blush, “Thanks, slick. Not bad yourself.”

“I mean it, really, you’re incredible” he paws his legs, grabs his shirt and pulls him down into the kiss. Duck giggles into his mouth, then sinks down onto his cock. Joseph decides he is never, never letting go of the man above him; his weight is so comforting, his body so perfect, the way his laughs morph into moans so charming.

“G-great thing about this position” Duck gasps, “is you don’t gotta do much besides let me ride you. That’s why it’s ‘Drid’s favorite.”

“Second favorite; you on my face is my first. Speaking of which” he kneels, gently lifts Joseph’s head into his hands while Barclay sits cross-legged on the other side of his head. His cock is thick and long, so mouthwatering Joseph opens his mouth without being told.

“Fuck, baby, wanted this so long.” Barclay guides his cock between his lips when Indrid turns his head. The skinnier man keeps supporting him as his tongue registers skin, sweat, Barclay and he whines for more.

“Easy, blue eyes, fuck, you’re doing great.”

“I’ll say. Fuck, can’t believe you been keepin this dick all to yourself, Joe.”

“I got my haAAnds on it once.”

“Clearly you should have done it more” Indrid purrs, hips moving slightly, “as soon as someone plays with it, he sucks cock very nicely.”

“No fuckin kiddin. Baby, baby, yeah, suck like that.”

Indrid shifts behind him, “Barclay, hold him a moment, there’s been a change of plans.” A zipper goes as Barclay cradles him. Then Indrid’s fingers are back, turning him to face a second, narrower cock.

“Handjobs can wait.” Indrid pulls him forward, moaning high when he sucks the head, “oooh, yes, that’s it.”

“Fuck, I’m gonna fuckin combust watchin you do that.” Duck bounces more deliberately and Joseph yelps joyfully around Indrid’s cock. He’s already close to cumming, the feeling of Duck around him and Indrid inside him flooding the rest of him with pleasure.

Indrid pulls his head back, starts to turn him towards Barclays, when it punches through him. He moans, pushes up into Duck as the shorter man laughs.

“I, I came first, I’m sorry, this is one of the things-”

“Shush” Barclay helps him up as Duck climbs of him, “that was fucking incredible, and you’re not done yet.”

“On your knees, facing us. Unless, sweetheart, do you-”

Duck’s hand is already between his legs, “I’m gonna enjoy the show.”

“Mmm, which means I get to enjoy you enjoying it. Barclay, turn slightly, like this.”

“Why, oh, oh I got it, fuck, you’re a fucking genius.”

Joseph agrees, though he’s going a bit cross-eyed. So he closes them, lets first Indrid and then Barclay press their cock into his mouth. It’s a stretch, his jaw aching instantly, but it’s the best he’s ever felt. They can’t push more than the heads in, so he concentrates on sucking and licking, pre-cum collecting on his tongue and spit seeping down his chin. Duck grunts behind him, offering running commentary on Indrid’s appearance and Joseph's voice. Barclay shoves both hands into his hair while Indrid keeps one on his cock.

“Fuck, fuck, Joseph, baby, this is fucking aces, gonna paint your whole fucking stomach white.”

“Ahnnn, agreed” Indrid pants, “your mouth was made for this, ohyes, that’s it, mmm, this is even better, feeling your cock against mine dearest, oh, oh” Indrid cums, bitterness hitting his tongue, and when he tries to swallow he gasps and gags instead.

“Fuck” Barclay grunts and then another burst of cum fills his mouth. He gasps for air as they pull out, sending some down his chin. He wipes ineffectively at it with the back of his hand.

“Here” Duck, underwear back on, cleans his lips with a napkin.

“Th-thank you.”

“Of course.” Duck kisses him as Indrid flops on his belly and Barclay curls his arms around Joseph.

“Gotta say, blue eyes, don’t think you got anything to worry about when it comes to making it good for me. Or, uh, us.”

“No, I don’t think I do.” Joseph rests against him, then jolts up, “shit, what time is it?”

“Ten.”

“Shit!”

“Don’t worry” Indrid nestles next to his knees, “we’ll say I had car trouble and you two came to my aid.”

Joseph relaxes back among his boyfriends, “Good call. Just, um, don’t let Duck talk?”

“Only if I get an extra kiss for keepin my mouth shut.”

“Deal.”

[saucysamu]

Okay so... I know you’re not in the mood to write rn but still emergency request? like you can do a really small one bbygirl and don’t pressure yourself to write it immediately! ❤️

My friend just tiggered me cause she bought the same pair of trousers I got and she has them in S and I needed L. Like I would‘ve never fit in S. Yet she does and her body is similar to mine? Also she gained weight & I lost some?? and I’m just confused and my mind is getting stupid Ed related thoughts again like? I lost weight & gained muscles yet I’m still too fat??? Eventho I’m not like you can see my ripcage ??? & can I get some comfort from Oikawa, Sakusa & Atsumu pls?

My love I hope you’re doing better by now and don’t keep on spending your time thinking about that 🥺 you know you can rant to me whenever you feel like it, ilysm ❤️

Anyways here we go,,

Oikawa, Sakusa and Atsumu x reader who struggles with an ED

warnings: mention of ED/ body image/ food

Oikawa

* You’ve been dating for quite a while so Oikawa is aware of what went through your mind back then 

* and he knows how to deal with it quite well??

* though he wished he didn’t have to, you’re so perfect in his eyes he will never be able to wrap his head around how someone like you would worry about such things

* so when you mention it all awkwardly to him that,, specific thoughts keep occurring again his mind goes A L A R M

* you even feel too embarrassed to look at him at all, but what for?

* he hugs you softly, placing his chin on the top of your head “you know I would never judge you for the way you feel right?” you just hum quietly as a response

* ladies, gentlemen and non-binary babes: here we have another king of pushing your self-esteem or crushing it in the case of enemies

* idk how he does it but he always says the right things to you without messing up or triggering you

* bet he’s the first one to distract you and support you like no other

* bitch cooks recipes of your fave foods to cook them more healthily so you won’t feel guilty

* need a gym buddy? Oikawa agrees before you can even ask him 

* he tries to be subtle when observing your behavior bc even when he acts calm he’s still worried to death

* however it doesn’t stay unnoticed by you lol and you’d just reassure him with a teasing grin

* as much as he wants to believe it, he catches himself at times just wanting to make extra sure,,

* but he knows you’re strong!! and a fighter!! 

* Still cautious when it comes to food even if you got better, it low-key became a habit of his to make sure you eat properly

* honestly can’t wait to go shopping with you again to hype you tf up and show you off to the world like “Ha! I have the prettiest gf on earth!! Watch her go off!!!”

Sakusa

* oh boy oh boy it took so long for the both of you to finally date so you can bet your ass he cares about you almost more than cleanliness,, almost

* which means there are only two things that make him feel startled,,, germs and you suffering

* he was NOT prepared for this

* I’m not gonna lie he’s the type that never got behind how being mentally ill worked, he always took everything as it was and would usually roll his eyes at someone claiming they’re depressed like honestly he’s such a “get over it, everyone gets sad sometimes😔✌🏻” - kind of guy cbdahjbks help💀

* well at least that is until he started to get to know you

* at the beginning he was still in denial like ??? iTs NoT ThaT ComPLiCatEd someone give this man some empathy PLEASE

* scratch that when he finds out how severe this can actually get yes he watched documentaries on EDs but if you asked no he didn’t 

* you notice his caution now tho like come on it’s obvious

* finds excuses to spend more time with you, always wants to be as close to you as possible my guy wants make sure you’re not ✨messing around✨

* suspiciously more affectionate than before

* adjusts to you more easily now like who are we kidding this man wants you to be okay, no, GLOWING bc you’re his precious baby

* cuddle sessions with you sitting between his legs, leaning against his chest while doing your daily self care routine and watching cheesy Netflix originals

* it’d be quiet the whole time and out of nowhere he’d randomly tell you how beautiful and perfectly clean you are and how much he loves you,, as if it was nothing,,smh OmiOmi

* he’s too awkward to suggest actually useful things to you,, I mean his emotional intelligence is a little uhhh behind so what do we expect

* would do anything for you that is of help tho so if you ask him to do this or that he’d never say no to you

* cooks healthy meals for you and yes he CAN cook

* if you ever argued about it then it would probably be bc he doesn’t get how you can think so low of yourself. He doesn’t want to be angry let alone show his anger about it to you but sometimes he can’t help but feeling frustrated. You both can be stubborn so it probably takes a while for him to make it up to. 

* his apologies are the most sincere you’ll ever witness.

* actually puts a lot of effort into those so you just can’t stay angry with him ://

* he really tries his best and sometimes in a moment of silence when you two lie down cuddled up with tangled legs and your ear pressed against his chest, his heartbeat reassures you that he’s there for you no matter what.

Atsumu

* he always thought you were being sarcastic whenever you left remarks on your body

* malfunctions when he realize you weren’t 

* ffs he’s overwhelmed and doesn’t know what to say when you actually talk about it

* tries to bite down his tears

* he fails

* and just hugs you tightly from behind so you don’t see him like that

* soft whispers in your ear that he’ll make you love yourself the way you should while cradling you 

* he’s not convinced he’ll be able to actually manage that but you can be certain he’ll put his whole heart into trying so.

* internal panic when he sees you being down so he awkwardly tries to light your mood with bad fuckin jokes,, he doesn’t know you laugh at the actual jokes but rather at him 💀

* like the perfect clumsy boyfriend he is - his attempts to cook something you’d be comfortable with go horribly wrong since he can’t cook for shit so he begs Osamu to cook something for you and Atsumu would just take his bike and get to Onigiri Miya and back in no time

* his clumsiness would distract you all the time and you can’t convince me otherwise 

* when you laugh at him like that he’d pout out of embarrassment but it would turn into a smile at the way you laugh right after like ugh he’s blessed

* probably asks Osamu for advice every now and then and his brother is just like??? you’re asking ME?? despite him still giving good advice

* ofc he works out with you what did you expect though he doesn’t want you to overdo it 🥺

* wants you to be around whenever he has practice or games, he’s more at peace knowing you’re not doing god knows what

* and you better keep your eyes and mind on him at all times 👀😼

* showering you with so many compliments like even about things you didn’t even notice yourself, he’s just really paying attention to you thoroughly it seems like every day he loves you more and more and he makes sure you realize that.

I really hope you liked it and I’d be happy about any feedback so please leave some bc I’m kinda insecure about my writing in general lol

[chiaki-translation]

New Year! Red and White Kakushigei Tournament! Event Translation Ch9-Epilogue

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone! My bf got extra holiday during christmas and I ended up spending more time with him, thus the delayed translation. At least I can still make it before new year~

Anyway, I hope that everyone have a great holiday ahead! Here’s the final part of the new year event, enjoy~

New Year! Kakushigei Tournament Ch1-4 / / Ch5-8 / / Ch9-Epilogue

Disclaimer:

A3! is owned by Liber’s Entertainment

Azuma:

“It’s the season of pure white snow.

Everyone, as per tradition, let us make some snow bunny.”

Hisoka:

“Yeah. Let us offer our prayer, for the weather not to be too heavy.”

Juza:

“Surely, the snow bunny will deliver our thoughts and prayers to heaven.”

Chikage:

“Then, I’ll start gathering snow. Will you help me.”

Banri:

“Yeah, of course.”

Tsuzuru:

“I’m leaving it to you.”

Tenma:

“Let’s make them, so the snow bunny can run under this winter sky.”

<Short Time Skip>

Banri:

“Oi, why are you wandering around our little hut.

Are you here to steal our food.”

Tenma:

“What are you saying.

I’m just trying to shovel the snow on the road back home.”

Banri:

“So suspicious, don’t lie.”

Tenma:

“What the. You too, aren’t you planning something!”

Banri:

“What…! This guy!”

Tenma:

“Bastard…!”

Banri:

“Ugh!”

Tenma:

“Woah!?”

Banri:

“…!”

Chikage:

“What’s this noise about!”

Juza:

“…! The snow bunny’s statue…!”

Azuma:

“What a disaster. The snow statue that offers our prayer is destroyed…”

Tenma:

“It’s not my fault! This guy…!”

Banri:

“No shit, it’s him!”

Hisoka:

“Stop it, the two of you!”

Banri & Tenma:

“…”

<Short Time Skip>

Tsuzuru:

“This is bad, the snow never stops.”

Juza:

“If this continues, what should we do.”

Hisoka:

“It’s, it’s cold…”

Azuma:

“Soon, the crops will be affected too.

The village might not be able to survive…”

Banri:

“Ah, as I thought, the heaven is looking down on us.

I’m sorry for raising suspicion on you.”

Tenma:

“No, me too, I’m sorry.”

Banri:

“Let’s try to fix the snow bunny statue together.

From now on, to be considerate with each other. Let’s offer our oaths and prayers sincerely with a dance.”

Tenma:

“Yeah, let’s do that. Let’s put all our thoughts, and dance.

…”

Banri:

“…”

Azuma:

“Those feelings of yours, I’m sure it will be delivered to the snow bunny.”

Chikage:

“Us too, let’s dance to offer our prayers.”

Juza:

“Yeah. I hope for the snow to subside, for the crops to continue growing, and everyone in the village to prosper.”

Chikage:

“…”

Audience A:

Woah… So beautiful��!

Audience B:

It’s so dignified, it’s wonderful!

Audience C:

The atmosphere around them is so wonderful, I’m so fascinated.

<Short Time Skip>

Director:

Everyone, good work.

The performance and dance were great!

Hisoka:

Thank you.

Banri:

Well, this much is easy.

Tsuzuru:

Eh? Speaking of which, the snow stopped before we realized…

Azuma:

Maybe it’s the power of the dance.

Tenma:

Well, looks like it.

Muku:

Everyone looks so cool!

It’s so wonderful and fascinating.

Homare:

Yeah, what an artistic performance!

I’m overflowing with inspiration.

Guy:

The dance was very elegant. The thoughts and prayers were conveyed properly.

Chikage:

More than anything else, I’m glad that the audience seems to enjoy it.

Priest:

Everyone, thank you so much!

The performance and the dance were wonderful.

Juza:

Thanks.

Tenma:

I’m glad everything went smoothly.

<End of Chapter 9>

Omi:

Next will be the result announcement for the Kakushigei right.

Masumi:

Will the red team win, or is it going to be the white team…

Sakuya:

I’m feeling kinda nervous now.

Kazunari:

Settzer’s tablecloth trick and Chikchon’s miracle magic were wonderful, surely it’s the red team win right!

Banri:

It will be great if that’s the case.

Yuki:

The audiences are pretty excited too.

Priest:

Without further ado, I will announce the result of the Kakushigei tournament.

The winner is… White team!!

Kumon:

Alright---!!

Taichi:

Yeay! It’s the white team win--!!

Priest:

Both teams were wonderful, the voting results were close too, but among them, Citron-san’s belly dance from the white team is very popular.

Citron:

I did it! Everyone gets it~!

Itaru:

Seriously.

Misumi:

That’s too bad.

Chikage:

Well, I guess this kind of thing happens.

Omi:

Well, it’s true that Citron’s belly dance has the impact and it’s pretty interesting too.

Kazunari:

I’m a bit disappointed, but everyone did their best and I was able to see a lot of different performances!

Kumon:

Yup! It was so much fun~!

<Shifts to Bonfire>

Tasuku:

The festival’s going to end soon.

Director:

It’s going to be over before we know it.

Staff:

It’s amazake. Please take one.

Azami:

Hmm, are you giving out amazake.

Taichi:

It screams end of year, it’s great!

Staff:

Everyone, would you like one too? Please take it.

Director:

Woah, thank you so much.

Tsumugi:

It’s warm and delicious.

Sakyo:

Yeah, not bad.

Chikage:

… There you go, Banri. We got some amazake.

Banri:

Thanks.

It’s been a while since I drank amazake with Chikage-san like this.

Good work for the Kakushigei, the performance, and the dance.

Cheers.

Chikage:

Good work. Cheers.

…

Banri:

How does it taste?

Chikage:

Just drink it.

Banri:

… Ugh, it got ginger huh.

But well, it tastes a bit better than what I remember from my childhood.

That time, I could only think of it as disgusting.

Chikage:

Hmm, isn’t is just the thing about growing up.

Banri:

But as I thought, I prefer the sweet one.

…  About my family too, I think I’ll show my face when they’re back from their trip.

Chikage:

That’s great.

Citron:

The two of you, what were you talking about!

Let’s go pull omikuji together!

Banri:

Don’t you pull omikuji at the beginning of the year?

Citron:

Pulling omikuji at the end of the year is also good!

Banri:

There goes the nonsensical stuff again.

Chikage:

Well, it seems that it’s actually fine to pull it at the end of the year.

Citron:

Come on, let’s go~!

Banri:

Fine fine.

Then, let’s go.

Chikage:

Yeah.

<End of Chapter 10>

Epilogue: The fate of the Victor

Citron:

Alright, it’s finally the long-awaited end of year party!

Let’s have fun and get excited today!

Taichi:

Yeay!

There’s also ‘that thing’ that we’ve been looking forward to!

Tenma:

Right.

Kumon:

It’s the highlight of today’s party!

I’m so excited~!

Omi:

Everyone, it’s ready~

It’s the white team’s request, ‘Sukiyaki’.

Muku:

Woah, what a great smell…!

Citron:

It’s the prize of winning the Kakushigei tournament, it’s the winning sukiyaki!

Yeay!

Tsuzuru:

We were deciding what’s good for the main dish for the end of year party, even though it became a draw between crab pot and sukiyaki…

The red group for crab pot and the white group for sukiyaki, it was decided through the Kakushigei tournament in the end.

Azami:

No one who watched the Kakushigei tournament would have thought that it was actually held for this reason.

Tsumugi:

Ahaha, you’re right.

Kazunari:

But the shrine was bustling with people, the audiences seem to have enjoyed themselves too, it’s great wasn’t it!

Director:

Yeah, Mr. Priest seems to be glad too.

Kumon:

Thanks to the gift cards from him, we were able to upgrade the meat for sukiyaki too!

Citron:

Then then, first of all…

Everyone, good work for the Kakushigei performance and the dance!

Congrats to the white team for winning! Cheers!!

Troupe Members:

Cheers!!

Sakuya:

Woah…! The sukiyaki is very delicious!

Juza:

Yeah, it’s great.

Taichi:

It feels different from the usual one! It’s the best!

Homare:

Everyone from white team, congratulations on winning.

Kazunari:

Sukiyaki is lit~!

Banri:

Well, I’m for the crab pot, but I don’t mind as long as I can eat delicious food.

Misumi:

Fuh… fuh…! It’s so delicious~!

Omi:

For Hisoka-san, I’ve prepared a main dish with broiled tofu and vegetables, I’ve put some mochi inside too.

Hisoka:

Thank you, Omi.

Tenma:

Ah, oi! I was about to eat that meat!

Citron:

No no, the faster hand got it

Tsuzuru:

Calm down, we still have a lot coming.

Itaru:

The sake that Azuma-san prepared has a nice fragrant, it suits sukiyaki pretty well.

Azuma:

Fufu, right? I was interested in it, I’m glad I got it in the end.

Sakyo:

This sake is delicious too.

Takato, you should try it as well.

Tasuku:

Thank you, I’ll try some.

Sakuya:

The Kakushigei tournament was so fun.

Guy:

Yeah. I’ve seen the others practicing sometimes, but seeing the real thing properly for the first time is different.

Masumi:

Director, did you enjoy my Kakushigei performance?

Director:

Yeah! Masumi-kun’s pretty good at ventriloquism.

Manager:

I got surprised by a lot of tricks too!

The venue was also an exciting one~!

Yuki:

The dance was fantastic too, it was beautiful.

Muku:

It’s so elegant, I was impressed!

Chikage:

I’m glad everyone enjoyed it.

Juza:

I also learned a lot from it.

Citron:

The tension’s up! By everyone’s request, I will do my belly dance encore~!

♪~♪~♪~

Kazunari:

As I thought, Ronron’s belly dance is the best~!

I also took a video!

Taichi:

Yo, white team’s general! Japan’s MVP~

Misumi:

I’ll dance together too~!

Tenma too, Kumon too, let’s dance~!

Tenma:

Me too!?

Kumon:

Ahaha!

<Short Time Skip>

Director:

Ah, is it time for the go-home group to leave?

Tasuku:

Yeah. Then, I’ll be going.

Omi:

Thank you for your care this year.

Looking forward to next year too.

Director:

Thank you too.

Looking forward to next year with everyone.

Tsuzuru:

Everyone, have a good new year ahead.

Sakuya:

Yeah, have a great new year!

Juza:

We’ll be going too.

Muku:

Yeah!

Kumon:

Ah, Banri! Since Big Brother won’t be here for a while, don’t just eat the snacks he has in his room okay!?

Banri:

There’s no way I’ll eat them!

Juza:

Don’t eat them.

Banri:

I told you there’s nooooooo way!

Itaru:

If you miss everyone, you can play the games I have in the room, senpai.

Chikage:

I will refrain from doing so.

Tsumugi:

Masumi-kun too, have a good new year.

Remember to keep warm.

Masumi:

Yeah.

Homare:

Then, see you next year.

Yuki:

We’re going off.

Kazunari:

We’re going off!

Director:

Have a safe trip!

<Shifts to Balcony>

Banri:

…

Chikage:

Banri.

Banri:

Oh, Chikage-san.

Chikage:

You’re reading the script for your new year performance huh.

Good work.

Here, I brought some new year soba.

Banri:

Thanks.

… Eh, this is a curry soba isn’t it?

Chikage:

It’s the director’s hope.

Banri:

Right, I remember she said something about arranging them.

It is indeed a very strange new year soba.

*phone vibrates*

Hmm?

It’s from Big Sister.

… Eh, she took the time to send pictures from Hawaii.

Look, there.

Chikage:

Hmm… Your Big Sister looks just like you.

Banri:

Geez, that’s so random.

Don’t just send me this kind of thing every time.

Chikage:

Well well. She might be worried about her lone Little Brother that she left in Japan.

Banri too, why don’t you try to send her a picture?

Banri:

I don’t have any picture…

Then, why don’t Chikage-san take a picture together with me?

Chikage:

Me?

Banri:

With that reasoning, she won’t be worried anymore if I take a picture with someone else right.

Misumi:

Ah! There you are~!

Sakuya:

Banri-kun, Chikage-san!

Banri:

Hmm?

Citron:

We will be starting the new year countdown soon.

Banri and Chikage too, let’s do it together!

Banri:

Ah, it’s already that timing huh.

Chikage:

… Anyway, it’s not only me who’s here, why not take a picture together with everyone?

Banri:

… You’re right, this kind of new year’s eve is rare.

Misumi:

The two of you, quick~!

Banri:

Then, should we go.

Chikage:

Right.

<End of  Epilogue>

[anothersillyfanblog]

Earth On Hell

This is my Sanders Sides gift for @marsupials-of-mars for @sanderssidesgiftxchange!!! Basically all the sides are demons, hanging out in hell, but one of them (wonder who) is a teeny bit more chaotic than the others. (P.s I am gonna post on ao3 in a few days as well btw.)  Btw I’m not great at tags so mega apologies if it still slipped through sorry.

Hell.

Lunch breaks round here weren’t boring- there was plenty to see and do in hell- it had just kind of reached a point for Janus where most of it had already been done. Hence why, no matter what his colleagues in the eighth circle said, there was something interesting about sitting down with this chatty little demon and watching the human flesh blister.

“Y’know what I think?” the younger demon, Remus, casually asked. Janus sighed. “I try not to.” “I think that everyone who ends up here is dumb.” He tossed a rat into his mouth “All you gotta do is act nice and suck up to the big daddy in the clouds- that’s it! Easier than boiling babies!” “No,” Janus raised his eyebrows. “Because it’s based on the nature of your soul not what you do.”

“Well that ain’t fair! What if you can’t HELP dreaming of torture and carving hearts into carcases (or whatever these idiots got in here for), like it’s in your pretty little head from day uno?” He wagged his finger at Janus. “They could never do anything wrong in their entire life but get sent here for naughty thinking… seems a lil shitty to me.” “Well apparently they can ‘repent their sins and get eternal salvation’.” Janus revelled in the other guys’ confusion for a moment. “Say sorry a lot and it’ll be ok.” “Ohhhhhhhhhhh right. Oh yeah ok.” Remus nodded. “Seems a bit suspicious, are you sure that’s a thing?”

A couple of screams got louder, and Janus turned to see a scrawny horned demon carrying a bucket and biting his lip. He had his arms comically wrapped all the way round it- an ugly neon yellow bucket with a ‘warning’ label (because hell needs health and safety standards)- and he was edging towards a nearby cliff.

“Hey Virge!” Remus called out “What’cha doin?” “I…” the horned demon tipped the bucket over the precipice as the screams intensified “…am adding a couple… of new souls… to the… whirlwind.” “Come get lunch, Virgil! It’s rat day!” he grinned, holding up a rodent “Also didn’t Pat tell you to do that like, a week ago?” “Yes but I’m also a dumb bitch.” Virgil sat down next to Remus. “Who’s this?” he glanced awkwardly at Janus. “I-” “HE’S my friend from the EIGHTH FUCKING CIRCLE!!!” Remus interrupted. “That not being the eighth circle of fucking, though it might well be…” “It’s not.” Janus clarified. “Yeah, I didn’t think it was.” Virgil smiled “I’m Virgil. I work with him under Patton? Second circle so-to-speak.” “Oh yeah I know the guy.”

Patton was the overseer for a lot of things in the lower levels. Not really a specific tier, or a specific expertise, but if you spent any time in one-five then you at least saw him. Most people ‘above’ him were aware of him in a general sense. Janus had met him twice? Three times? Yeah, if you counted bumping shoulders at the river Styx that one time, then it was three.

It made sense that Remus and Virgil worked for Patton- a lot of the younger demons did these days.

“UGH doesn’t everyone?” Remus whined “He is annoying!” “He’s your boss.” Janus observed. “Yes, and he’s annoying! I say we, I dunno, set fire to his ass or something…” Virgil shrunk into his seat “He’s our boss? Also he isn’t in charge of everyone, he has a boss right…” “Yeah, but uh…” Remus clicked his fingers “We were saying weren’t we?” he looked at Janus. “No. Whatever you think we were saying, we weren’t.” “People shouldn’t get here for wanting to do crimes!” he clapped his hands “I think we should break everyone out of hell.”

One week later: Hell

Work hours, naturally. Janus was trying to process new souls but honestly there was no signal and his tablet just wasn’t working.

“And they say eighth circle is an enviable job…” he tapped the screen “I- I’ll be with you in a moment, sorry about this.” He said to the guy in line to be thrown into the pit. “No, no, take your time.”

Finally, the sound of footsteps approaching! Janus looked up and smiled. “Ah, the tech guy! Yeah, there’s no service on this, so if you could-”

“Where’s Remus?” Janus smiled a little “Excuse me?” “Which circle can Remus be found in?” the tech guy kept his face stern (if he was the tech guy) “I know you know him.” “I’m working right now, or trying to, so come back when I’m not and then we can talk.”

The tech guy ripped the tablet out of Janus’ hands.

“Where can Remus be found?” “He isn’t an important demon-” “Lower tiers…” “Not what I mean, I meant you shouldn’t need him.” “But I do.” “Why?” “Irrelevant, just tell me where he is located.” “Well forgive me for thinking you’re going to hurt him, but I think you’re- you know- going to hurt him.” “Falseh- it’s inconsequential, I must find him.” Janus paused. “Fix my tablet, please. I believe you.”

The tech guy looked momentarily confused before realising what Janus meant and doing so. “Second circle, every time I’ve seen him.” Janus said “Is… is he in trouble?”

“Not with me, negative. I do not have the influence to get many people into trouble. As for the future…” he sighed “I would advise you to keep your distance from him, though that’s my observation.” He left off towards the exit of the tier.

Janus grimaced, looking at his now-working tablet.

“If it’s any consolation, it probably won’t affect you.” The guy in line said, making Janus jump in surprise. “Shit! I need to get all you processed, I am gonna get in trouble.” He smiled at the guy who now frowned. “Okay name and age at time of death…”

One month later: Hell

“Where’s-” “Remus?” Patton interrupted. “we’re dealing with it.” Janus chuckled “Will anyone down here actually let me finish a sentence?” “Of course, my apologies- what were you going to say?” “Where is Virgil?” he smirked. “He works in your general bracket, right?”

Patton breathed in sharply. No one had seen Virgil since Remus had started (conveniently) quietening down, and Janus knew it. Everybody knew it. His work tallies were still placed in- by who, nobody knew- but the second circle was widely lacking in Virgil.

“He’s doing some work on…” Patton’s eyes darted round rapidly “admin. He’s working on potential field experience up there, needs to put in the admin first.”

Janus raised his eyebrows, looking up towards the Earth. “The thing is, Pat, I’m Eighth circle. I specialize in fraud- you know what that is?” Patton nodded. “Deceit, Patton, lies. And every day suave fuckers queue up trying to tell me why I have ‘the wrong circle’ or why ‘they should get special treatment’ and guess what, Patton? It’s always bullshit.”

He stared straight at the other demon. “I have been doing this for too damn long to not have the fucking right to tear the throat of anyone, ANYONE, who dares to be as lousy as you at lying to me. So don’t ever tell me that Virgil is doing admin, FUCKING ADMIN, because no one here will believe- or miss- you.” He sighed. “Let’s start again. Where’s Virgil?”

Patton swallowed “I…”

“Do you not know?” Janus asked, “This will go a lot better for you if you just admit that you don’t know.” Patton shook his head “Not exactly, no.” he whispered, “We’re not sure where he is.” “Not sure or don’t know?” “We know he’s in hell… we know that, we’re aware of him but not where.” Janus pinched his forehead “Okay so out of all the nine circles of hell, you have no clue, none. Lovely.” “If Remus would co-operate…” Patton muttered. “If I would what now?”

Ah yes, Remus. Walking cheerily towards them, smile slightly wider than ever, living his best life. Of course it was most likely that he had been questioned on Virgil’s whereabouts, given their activities during the past month-or-so, but Remus had decided to ‘calm down’ now and had ‘no idea about anything that anyone was doing’. Or so he had said to Janus.

“Patton! You already know I told ya everything about Virge, didn’t I?” he grinned. “Of course, don’t doubt it.” Patton said, as if he were lecturing a child. “And you got all your silly little friends to stand down which was very good of you.” Remus clapped his hands. “Yes! I did that!” “BUT!” Patton wagged his finger “I think you may have forgotten places that Virgil could be- or things you knew about Virgil.” Remus gasped in shock “Oh no!” “We want to find him, you want to find him. Let’s do this together please.” Patton nodded towards Janus. “Isn’t that right?” “Huh?” Janus smirked “Oh yes, working together. Of course.” Patton smiled again, then turned to leave.

Remus groaned “Ugh, what an annoying piece of poop! Wanna feed him to a pack of rampaging squirrels!” “Where’s Virgil?” “Up your butt!” Remus laughed, “Just kidding, don’t check, I have no idea.” Janus nearly prayed out of sheer frustration. “Don’t fucking lie to me, Remus, unholy shit.” “Okay, okay!” he giggled. “So I might know… but I can’t tell you.” “Why?” Janus asked, confused, “You think I’m going to run to Patton?” Remus looked down “Well, Logan says you shouldn’t be involved in-”

“You’re still working with Logan? You said you’d told them to stand down…” Remus chuckled “You believe that?” “Well, no,” Janus admitted, “But I…what the fuck are you planning?” “Eh, just a little bit of trouble…” “What you did already was a ‘little bit of trouble’- hell, it got your supervisors’ attention, so actually it was kinda a bit more than that.” Janus explained. “I made a group?” “A militia.” Remus threw his arms up “Well, we barely did anything! Pat WAY overreacted!” “Not… if you’re actually planning something he didn’t.” “So you are on his side?”

“I…” Janus looked away. “I don’t want this going south. For you, Virge, us. That’s the bargain you make when you leave heaven, to look out for you and yours. Get what is considered ‘best’ down here.” “But what if what is ‘mine’ is…” Remus looked wistfully at the hurricane of souls swirling around them “Never mind. See you around!”

He made his way off towards the offices where he worked, leaving Janus listening to the winds scream for mercy.

One year later: Hell

“Here.” Janus held out a bucket of blood that spat angrily at both of the demons, “from management.” Roman didn’t look up. “Chuck it in, before they get too comfortable.”

Janus peered down at the bubbling lake, almost glad to see that some parts of hell hadn’t changed that much. He poured the new blood in and watched the souls writhe- no hope of Remus for this lot. Though somehow, in some corners, they screamed out his name. How? Patton had nearly torn his horns off the first time he’d heard it, because how? How could they know about him? And that was the problem when the fresh blood was added and the screaming began anew.

What they screamed for.

Roman rolled his eyes “I’ve never wanted them to stop more…” Janus scoffed “You should see Patton, he has lost it.” “How so?” “Apparently,” he began, “He’s been inventing and subjecting harsher tortures for any souls who mention his name- or the others.” Roman chuckled at this “Well! Woe betide any gossip outlet, then…” “He’s getting them shut down, I think.” Roman gasped “His higher-ups can’t approve of that- right?”

Janus raised his eyebrows “His higher-? Roman, after the whole, well, you know… after Remus did all that, his only higher ups were a couple of folks in what used to be ninth circle.” He looked to the lake of blood. “Now? I don’t think some of them would even challenge him…”

“Oh.” Roman smiled. “How long’s that going to last?” “What?” “Patton- in charge? Until things are figured out, right?”

At this Janus started to laugh. He kept laughing and laughing till Roman joined in then realised it just wasn’t funny because it never had been.

“Forever.” He scowled. “He’s going to stabilize and reorganize the layers he has, take back the ones he doesn’t, put the souls back into torment, then execute the demons. All of them. Remus, Virgil, Logan, Remy, ALL OF THEM WILL DIE. Painfully. And then! He will rule over hell forever.”

“That’s a bit cynical.” “Well EXCUSE ME-” “No, I just thought- being an ex-friend of Remus- you might’ve been more cheerful.” Janus bit his lip. “We weren’t friends because we were even remotely similar. We were friends because I was bored, work was boring.” “Okay, makes sense!” Roman smiled. “So we’re all gonna end up working under Patton (if we aren’t already) and it’s gonna be aaaahhh ooohh not good very bad?” “Little bit more than that, but yes.” “Ah so more painfully terrible every moment we’re awake?” “Yeah.” “Hm… why not leave?” Roman casually asked. You know, casually.

Janus scoffed “Because of the whole dying thing?” he gestured wildly “I can’t go off on my own; I don’t stand a chance, I can’t repent; you have to mean that shit, and I can’t go with Remus and his crew because- because…” he looked down “I’m sorry Roman but the reason I never got too involved in the first place is because what he plans just isn’t going to work. He can’t win- he’ll die, and if I get involved then I will too and the point of all of this,” he spread his arms round “Is so you can look out for yourself, so you don’t have to be selfless and give up everything for someone else. Why do I have to be ashamed for not wanting to be a martyr?”

“I… you don’t.” “Exactly” Janus snapped. “If you truly believe that this is what’s better,” Roman added. Janus whistled “No, that’s…” he shook his head “Anyway. Whatever happens, they can’t be faulted for trying.” “No, absolutely not! Wait we are talking Remus and-” “Of course I’m talking about Remus’ lot.” Roman nodded “Ah, well yes- I agree. They’ve done a surprisingly competent job, all of them.”

They both paused for a moment. “It’s because they have the tech guy.” “It’s coz of the tech guy.” Roman agreed “I mean it’s not like the rest of his crew can’t organize things, but…” “It’s the tech guy.” Janus concluded “I hear he orchestrated the ‘Virgil plot’.” “Exactly!” Roman exclaimed “and that was wow, just impressive as anything (if you don’t mind me saying), like- hiding Virgil for that long to steal that many souls? If they don’t win it’ll be a little depressing.” “It’ll be more than that.” Janus smiled solemnly.

“It’ll be the end of life as we know it.”

Ten Years Later: Italy.

“Virge!” Janus could hear someone calling outside of the cavern “can you get that thick ass over here, please?” That ‘someone’ was probably Remus. “Janus, that includes you too!” “How does ‘Virge’ include me?” he called back. “Don’t question the king of crimes!”

Reluctantly, Janus stood up and wandered out to the frosty mountainside. He grimaced- the cold bits of hell had never been his favourite, even when they flaunted ‘coveted positions’ and such. Still.

“You want a coffee?” Remy asked. “Please.” He gestured over to a nearby hut “The coffee machine is right there, honey.” “But I never get the ratio right…” Janus pleaded. Remy chuckled and sipped his drink “Girl, that just ain’t my problem!”

“Janus!” Remus grabbed his arm suddenly and yanked him away “You sexy motherfucker, I called you an AGE ago! Now come on!” “Right, what do you need?” “Emotional stability…” Remus placed his hand on his chest “Just kidding! So basically, the waterpump’s broken (but Logan’s “dealing with that”), we received word that Patton has guns now- so we need better defences just in case- and also Patton has guns so yeah. Can we have those please?” Janus’ eyes widened. “Ok so is Patton-with-a-gun confirmed, or a rumour? Because hell basically never deploys projectiles.” “Are you sure I can’t be used as a projectile?” Remus half-spoke aloud “Yeet me at them.” “You’re getting distracted.” “Oh. Yes, it’s confirmed. One billion percent.” Janus pinched his forehead “Well, somehow I doubt that statistic, but okay. Let’s work on anti-gun strategy, defence, etc. because it is possible they’ll get hold of unholy projectiles specifically for us.” “Why can’t we get guns?” “Maybe one day, but if you actually think I trust you with a GUN-” “Fair point”

“Um, I was called?” Virgil was stood in the snow, watching them talk. They both jumped. “Yeah like, FIFTY YEARS AGO!” Remus cried. “Oh I’M sorry, look I did show up- it’s just I didn’t want to interrupt…” he trailed off. Janus smiled. “That’s understandable.” “That’s understandable.” Remus mimicked “Ooh, whatever, we were just chatting! No rules on chatting! Also what are your thoughts on guns?” “I think we should focus on hiding for now…” “BORING! Guns?” “Let him speak” Janus warned. Virgil looked down “I mean, our last skirmish went well, and we are getting more to join… but right now I think we should focus on what we have. And that advantage is mystery. Let’s keep it.” “Ooh mystery! Spooky!” Remus wiggled his arms. “No, I get what you mean.” Janus nodded “Like how you got so many in the beginning because they were intrigued, people will talk if we stay off the map for a while.” Remus tutted “Oh, you. Being sensible.” He frowned “We’ve been lucky, haven’t we? To live?” Janus smiled “Like this? Absolutely.” “Yeah, we should go under. Be sneaky! Recruit people who aren’t dicks and so on.”

Logan agreed with the idea for once, which was probably because it was Virgil’s, but also he stated: “We have already been living ‘both figuratively and literally underground’ so it makes an appropriate amount of sense to make this an officially secret place of dwelling.” 

He also agreed with Janus’ gun-plan. This, of course, being that they focus on defence and perhaps work on getting weapons of their own in the future. Though he was a little heavier on the “no gun-wielding-Remus” stance, stating: “On no condition can he be allowed a gun, none. Others in our company- fine. I will trust from the upper-most generals to the smallest child amongst us with a projectile, but never Remus. Oh and can we consider adding Remy to that list?”

Janus didn’t bother to question the part about trusting children with guns, he simply nodded and got to work on defence, sometimes smiling at Remus as he did.

And it didn’t matter what anyone was or wasn’t doing, Remus always grinned away.

One Century Later

[lu-undy]

Hello again mate 😄, how about sniper&spy being to drunk at the event

Here it is! Be warned it is quite long becuase I enjoyed myself way too much with it!!

"Remind me why I am following you to this exhibition of drunkenness."

"It's called a beer festival, you snob, and I'm takin' you there cause remember a few weeks ago?" 

"The wine tasting?"

"Yeah, that show of posh people who don't even drink the thing… Bloody idiots, they taste it and spit it away."

"It is to not get drunk! What do you expect? You wanted them to drink it all and not being able to taste anything anymore?!"

"I don't know, it's just dumb! You taste stuff and throw it away! Would it kill you to swallow it?"

"How would you know?"

Sniper looked at his friend, intrigued, as the tone of his voice was definitely more suave than was necessary, but he soon caught the innuendo.

"Spook!"

The Frenchman laughed seeing how red his friend's face turned.

"Oh, also, here it is." 

Sniper parked the van and both stepped out. There was some music and people were swarming the wide field. Sniper started walking and Spy naturally followed his friend. The stands were colourful and as the end of the afternoon came, the lanterns switched on everywhere. 

Spy looked up at his taller friend. He saw the reflection of the million lights on his glasses and on the hunter's blue irises. Sniper felt observed and as they walked through the busy crowd, he looked down and saw the Frenchman's eyes open wide. 

"Y'alroight?"

"O-oui. I just don't like the crowd…"

Sniper was about to tell him that it was a poor lie but the Frenchman cut him.

"And when are we finally going to taste some beer? Or maybe this whole show is just to get drunk and not actually enjoy yourself?"

"Alroight, alroight, mister impatience… I wanna see if they have anythin' from Australia."

"Missing home?" 

"Yeah, nah, I want you to try it."

They moved around searching for a stand with an Australian flag or anything of the sort. 

"You think I will appreciate it?" Spy asked. 

"Oi, don't say it like you won't!" 

Spy chuckled. 

"Non, you misunderstood me, my question was genuine." 

They took a turn and Sniper looked down at his friend. 

"You? Genuine?"

"Oui, why do you sound so surprised?" 

"Are you kiddin'? You're the bloody Sp-mh?!" 

Spy swiftly turned and put his gloved hand on Sniper's mouth. 

"Oui, I know, but no else apart from you and I here need to." 

Sniper relaxed and nodded, which prompted Spy to removed his hand off of his mouth. 

"Sorry for the inconvenience. You did not leave me any choice."

"It-it's okay."

Spy's eyes shot up at the taller man who instantly looked away. The Aussie didn't want his friend to see the blush on his cheek. But as he turned his head, something caught Sniper's eye.

"Oh, look here, Australian flag!" 

Spy saw his friend's face beam up with a smile as he quickened his pace towards the stand. When they arrived, Sniper removed his hat and looked at the selection of beers. Spy smiled as he thought that Sniper would have looked the same a couple of decades ago in front of a candy shop. 

"So, Bushman, what would you recommend?" 

"Depends on what you like." 

"I will take the same thing as you do." Spy answered. 

"Alroight…!" 

A minute later they were walking through the crowd again, a bottle of Australian beer each in their hands. 

"Very different from the European ones I have tried." Spy said. 

"Is it?"

"Have you never had a German beer?" Spy asked. 

"Nah, tried an American one once, and it was awful. It had no taste and no alcohol. I mean it's a beer, so yeah, it should be light, but that one was straight water." 

"You know, I cannot disagree with you on that one…" Spy answered. 

"And you almost sound disappointed about it!"

The Frenchman chuckled. 

"Almost so indeed! Although, do remind me to make you try one, and a Belgian one too, those are a gem."

"Look at you knowin' beer almost better than me, eh?" Sniper teased. 

"I think I just know how to appreciate what I put in my mouth, unlike you." 

Sniper stopped walking and the Frenchman turned to him to ask why. 

"How would you know?" The Aussie quoted the Frenchman and Spy rolled his eyes up with a smile. 

"I see you are quoting the greatest mind of this century…" 

The Frenchman turned and started walking.

"Show off…!" 

Sniper nudged him gently and they both laughed before going back to their journey across the world… through beers. They hopped from one stand to the next, like bees from one flower to the other although, in their case, they were not gathering pollen, but alcohol. If the first few ones were inoffensive, they both started to feel the effect of the intoxicating liquid soon enough. 

"Oh my God, Spook…!" Sniper said between two laughters. "I can't leave you two seconds, can I?"

"What?"

The Aussie had gone to find the toilets and in a few minutes, the Frenchman was on a bench and had found the way to surround himself with two women. 

"Oh, is that your friend?" One of them asked Spy. 

"Oui, indeed, a very good friend, but don't be fooled, Mesdemoiselles, he and I are very different." 

[Ladies.]

"Oi, don't say it like that! Ladies, look, I'm sure you find him posh and elegant and all that but he's as snob as all hell, believe me, he's not worth it!"

"First, I am not snob, I have manners." Spy started. "And second, how would you know that I am not worth it, hm? Have you tried me maybe?" 

"God no!" Sniper answered, with a disgusted face.

"Well maybe you should! That would teach you a thing or two about how to approach ladies!" 

"What did I do wrong?! I barely said anythin' to them!"

"Exactly." Spy coldly answered and the ladies chuckled. He took their hand, one by one and left an elegant kiss on them. "Mesdemoiselles, I am sorry for my friend's rudeness. He is a bit… wild."

"Whot?!" Sniper asked, raising his arms up before dropping them.

Both women chuckled and left a kiss on the Frenchman's cheek before they went away, exchanging winks with the man in the suit. When his eyes fell on him, Sniper saw Spy undo his tie and open the two first buttons of his shirt. 

"They got you warm, eh?" 

"Non, not them." Spy put his tie in his jacket's pocket. 

"The beer then?" 

They walked from the bench they were on to deeper in the crowd.

"It is indeed getting to my head. And all this music and noise…! I feel like I need to shout for you to hear me!"

"That's because you do!"

The booming volume of the music was deafening and they were both walking not too far from the blasting speakers.

"This is unbearable Sniper!"

"I… I kinda agree with you actually, and it's getting quite late, wanna head back?!" He answered shouting as well. 

"Yes, please!" 

They both nodded to each other and came back to the van. It was far enough for them to talk at a reasonable volume, but not enough to dampen the bass booms. They could hear them distantly. 

"Mate…"

"What?" 

"I don't think I should drive, eh…"

"Oh mon Dieu…" Spy put a hand on his face. "Are you telling me that we are blocked here until either you or I sober up enough to drive?" 

"Nah…" 

"What then?" Spy asked. 

"It's until I sober up, mate. Don't you even dream of driving her around."

"Her?! It's a van!" 

"Oi! She drove me everywhere I needed to go so far!" Sniper answered.

"Oui, until now, where she is just leaving you here, huh?"

"It's not her fault I'm shit-faced!"

"Indeed, it is yours." 

"And yours!" Sniper added.

"What?! What have I got to do with you being drunk? You took me to this festival of beers!"

"Yeah well, the German and Belgian ones weren't my idea!" 

"Non, but what about the half a dozen Irish and English ones?!"

"Ahhh…" 

Sniper sighed and unlocked his van's back door. Spy watched as he saw him exit a few seconds later with a pillow and a duvet. 

"Will you sleep outside?! What is wrong with you?!" Spy asked. 

"Well unless you wanna take the roof, ya wanker...!"

"Take the roof?"

Sniper climbed up the van's roof top and rolled himself in the duvet. 

"Sniper?!"

His head peeked out and down to the Frenchman. He had removed his hat and glasses. 

"You have the bed inside. I'll take a nap and when I'm sober, I'll drive us back to the base."

The Aussie rolled back and Spy felt the van shake under the movements of the tall man looking for a comfortable position to rest. Sniper closed his eyes but he distinctly heard his friend enter the van and move inside. 

Yeah well, good night to you too, ya Spook...

Sniper's breath calmed down but Spy was making an awful lot of noise for a man paid to sneak around, and why was it getting louder and louder?

"Bushman?"

"Huh?!"

Sniper's eyes snapped wide when he felt his colleague's very breath on his ear. 

"What the hell are you doin' here?! I told you you could have the bed!"

Spy was sitting on the rooftop, next to the Aussie. 

"I don't feel sleepy." 

"Oh so I shouldn't sleep either?" Sniper asked. 

"As if you could." Spy answered, unfazed. 

"Ugh, bloody Spook, I swear…" Sniper sat up next to his colleague. 

The night was warm as it was now the middle of summer and both of them could see quite clearly in the night, the moon being full. The festival was clearly visible with its dancing mutlicolor light and general noise.

"What now? We just wait to sober up awake?" Sniper asked.

"Here." 

Spy placed two glasses between their thighs and poured some water. 

"Ya thief." Sniper said chuckling, as he realised the Frenchman had helped himself in the van. 

"You're welcome." Spy answered with a smile. 

They tipped their glasses and drank. 

"Maybe you are right about your van." Spy admitted. 

"What d'you mean?" 

"Maybe she does take you where you need to go." 

"To this festival, with a burden of a bloke in a suit…" Sniper turned and realised that Spy had removed his jacket, tie and vest. "Well, what's left of the suit anyway."

Both chuckled under the moonlight. 

"Well it is quite warm even in the night and all this… racket, it tired me and you got me walking quite a bit." Spy answered.

"Yeah, and the sheilas… If I wasn't there, would you seriously have gone back home with both?!" 

Spy laughed. 

"If I wanted, oui."

"And I am the one without manners, eh?" 

Their glasses were empty and this time Sniper filled them. 

"What does it have to do with manners?" Spy answered. "Non, I am merely the victim of my own success." 

"Arrogant wanker."

"Wild idiot."

They tipped their glasses and felt the fresh water dilute the poison they had downed before.

"Although…" Sniper started. "Maybe you're right."

"About what?" 

"Maybe you are the victim of yer success, I mean, sheilas like a bloke in a suit and tie. Add that French accent of yours and they fall like flies around ya, don't they?"

Spy rolled his eyes. 

"Such a poet you are, Sniper." 

"Oh, you know what I mean." 

"I do. And you are right, I do have my successes with the… what do you call them again? Shy-lah?"

"It's sheila."

"Where is the difference?" 

"Everywhere?!"

They looked at each other and laughed. Spy nudged Sniper with his elbow. 

"I am pulling your leg, Bushman." 

"Bloody well hope you're jokin', yeah."

"Although…" Spy started. "I know for one that you wouldn't."

"I wouldn't what?" Sniper asked. 

"You wouldn't have gone home with the two women."

"Yeah, well, I think one's enough!" Sniper chuckled. 

"Non, you misunderstood me." 

The Aussie raised an eyebrow at the serious tone of his friend. 

"What d'you mean?" He asked.

"You barely looked at them. Despite their beauty and their, well, certain shapes and arguments, your eyes where not on them, hardly ever." Spy answered and put his empty glass a bit further away. 

Sniper blushed and hoped his friend hadn't seen it. 

"Well, you might like them like that, they're not really my type…" 

"Ah," Spy pretended to believe the lie, "What is your type, then, if I may ask?"

"Y-yeah, sure, uhm, I like them…Thin, a bit shorter than me, uhm, let me see…"

"Blond or brunette?" Spy asked. 

"Doesn't really matter, I can like either. And uh…"

"Sniper?" 

"What now?" He answered, annoyed as he was trying to lie but knew he was failing miserably. 

"You know I am very familiar with half-truths and lies, oui?" 

"Y-yeah…" 

Sniper understood that Spy knew he was lying. 

"But what's your type then, eh?"

The Aussie watched as the Frenchman stole his pillow and laid down comfortably. 

"Oi-!"

"Don't complain, I could have stolen much more than just your pillow!" 

"Ugh…" Sniper sighed, exaggerating his annoyance when in fact, he found it half amusing and half soothing. Spy seemed much more humanly when he laid down somehow, it made him more simple in a way. 

Sniper laid on his side, his head propped up on his hand.

"So, yer type?"

"Well, I prefer dark hair over fair, I have a weakness for natural charms, more than for beauty in itself and above all, I like my partner to have something I cannot describe. It's that kind of charm that they wouldn't show to anyone else but me; the reason why no one can understand that I have fallen for them, but me."

Sniper had fallen silent. 

"You almost talk like you have someone in mind and you can see them in yer head." 

Spy's eyes were riveted on the starry sky. They turned and met Sniper's. 

"Hm, I see you are less of an idiot than I thought, I indeed have my heart set on someone."

"Spook…" Sniper complained at the insult. 

"Do you?" 

The Aussie blushed. 

"Ah, well, uh, kinda, yeah, I-I think."

"You are not sure?" Spy asked. 

"I-I don't know."

"Tell me about it, I am intrigued." Spy rolled on his side and looked up at the Aussie better.

"What d'you want me to say?" 

"Maybe start by describing them." Spy suggested. 

"I doesn't matter what they look like and in fact uh… I don't know how to say this but uh…"

"Just say it, I won't mock you."

"Why wouldn't you?" 

"Because this is clearly something that you feel strongly for. I am sure you are blushing and sweating bullets as we speak and yet you still push this conversation against your fears to be honest with me. I respect that greatly." 

Sniper smiled.

"Thanks. So yeah, in that case uh… I-I don't really know what they look like…"

"You have fallen for a voice? Please don't tell me it's the Administrator…!" Spy jokingly said and both chuckled. He had just wanted for Sniper to ease up a bit. 

"Nah, nah, it's not her. But yeah, the uh… person that I like, I didn't only fall for his voice, although, yeah, it's amazin'. But uhm… It's just because they manage to make stuff that I thought was hard very easy."

"Give me an example please, I don't really understand."

"Ah, yeah, so like, talking for example. I mean you know me, I'm not big on discussions but they make me talk without me feeling that I should shut up because what I'm sayin' is stupid. I actually enjoy talkin' with them, a lot, it-it's crazy…" 

Spy smiled. 

"What about you, what's yer sheila like?" Sniper asked.

"Unlike any other one I have met before."

"Ah, they always make it feel like that, eh?" 

"Non Sniper, I mean it. He is unlike any woman I have met before because he is a man." 

"A man?! You?! You like blokes?!" 

"I do, oui." Spy answered, unfazed. 

"I'd have never thought…!" 

"Neither have I." The Frenchman said with a smile. "But he makes me feel so strongly for him that I cannot possibly believe that it is mere friendly love that I have in my heart for him." 

"Woah, Spook… I didn't know you, uh…"

"Does that change anything to you?" Spy asked. 

"N-no, I mean, you do you, eh…" 

"Try again." 

"What?" 

"I said try again." 

"What's that mean?!" Sniper asked and Spy chuckled. 

"It means that you lie almost painfully badly."

The Aussie rolled his eyes and sighed. 

"Does it change anything to you that I have a man in my heart?" Spy asked again. 

"K-kinda." 

"Sniper…?"

"Alroight, yeah, it does! It changes bloody everythin'!" 

"Why?" 

"Cause…" 

The Aussie sat up and wrapped his arms around his flexed knees. 

"Cause I like a bloke too…" He finally admitted, muttering to himself.

"I see." Spy answered. "Do I have the privilege of knowing him?" 

"Y-yeah. And me, do I know who you fancy?" 

"Oui." 

"Ah, ok." 

Silence fell. 

"Sniper?"

"Hm?"

"Never have I seen you that nervous before. You are trembling next to me and I can almost hear your heartbeat from here." 

And those words didn't help the Aussie who buried his head against his thighs. Spy sat up and poured some more water in his friend's glass. 

"Here, take this and relax." 

Sniper raised his head just enough to see a glass hovering next to his head. He took it and drank to clear his throat that he felt had gone dry. 

"You know, as much as I enjoy teasing you, I do respect you, Sniper. You should not feel as if I was judging your every word because in truth, I am not. I am merely providing an ear to a friend who needs it." 

Spy pushed the pillow back to his friend and when Sniper finished drinking, he took the glass away from him and pushed him to lie down.

"Thanks, Spy."

"I will not force you to tell me more about the man who keeps you up at night, but I can tell you about mine if you want."

"Yeah."

Spy looked down at the Aussie and smiled. He lied on his side and propped his head on his hand as he looked into Sniper's eyes. 

"The man I love, he has no idea that I could feel a shred of anything for him. He maybe even doubts that I can truly love. I wish I could tell him and he could believe me."

"What would you say?" Sniper asked. "It's crazy hard to say things like that, Spook."

"I know. But if I had the courage, I would be honest with him. I would tell him that he is the reason why I wake up a bit earlier in the morning, if it means that those few more minutes, I can enjoy the sight of him. I would tell him that he keeps me up at night, in the intimacy of my thoughts, before I close my eyes and lose my grip to reality."

Spy's eyes never left Sniper's as if he could see on his pupils the picture of the man his heart was beating for. 

"I would tell him that dreaming of him is the most exquisite torture, because it makes me spend more time with him when I normally wouldn't, saying words and doing things that I am in fact way too cowardly to do in the conscious world."

Spy chuckled. 

"How many times have I told him that I loved him in my dreams? Everytime I see him. How many times have I told him that I loved him in real life? Never. How many times have I dreamt of feeling his arms around me, sharing a surreal embrace? And how many times have I been brave enough to feel his touch on me, his hands, his lips…?"

The Frenchman sighed and looked down at the space between him and his friend. 

"I wish I could mean love as well as I can fake it."

"What do you mean?" Sniper asked, finally gathering the strength to speak after his friend's powerfully earnest speech. 

"With those two women earlier, I couldn't care less about them, and yet if I wanted, I could have got them both to follow me to the moon and back. And I am not saying this out of arrogance."

"I know. You sound… different, now." 

"How so?" Spy asked. 

"I can feel it. Y-you're bein' very serious. I wish the bloke I like could like me the way you describe it."

"Pff…" Spy chuckled and Sniper realised that he was in fact mocking himself for some reason. "Well…" 

The Aussie thought there was something else in that sentence, but it never came out. 

"It is the most cruel and yet the most beautiful thing too, non? Falling in love with someone and them not feeling the same for you."

"You sure he doesn't?" Sniper asked. "I mean I say that you're arrogant all the time but clearly some people out there don't mind it, or even like it. And you got your way with people."

"I can fake it very well, oui. I can play this wild comedy where I go around and seduce anyone, but not with him. I treasure what little friendship I have with him too much to risk it." 

"Ah, well, same." 

"Really?"

"Yeah but… I mean I'm not good with words and people. I'm not good with words for people either and I'm a disaster when it comes to talkin' about my feelings."

"You haven't done too bad so far." Spy said. 

"Yeah, well, it's a miracle I'm not trippin' over my words and stutterin' like an idiot."

Sniper sighed before resuming his speech. 

"I do understand though and I feel the same. He's a friend, the bloke I like, or at least I hope he sees me like that and uh… I don't want to risk telling him the truth and losing my only friend. In any case, I'm way too shy to confess so I'll just stay in my place and wait."

"For what?" Spy asked. 

"I don't know. But I can't tell him, I can't show him and maybe it's better that way, eh. Better have a friend for sure than maybe something more or nothing at all."

"Is it though?"

Sniper raised his eyes to look at his friend's. 

"I understand what you mean obviously as I am doing the same thing but, sometimes I have this rush of madness and this voice inside of me that screams that I should tell him. Oui! Tell him! How hard can it be? It's only a few words…!"

"But?" Sniper anticipated. 

"But if I were to lose him, I would lose so much. It is the fear of losing what little I share with him that holds me back and…"

Sniper watched as his overconfident friend was again censoring himself.

"And?" He asked, almost whispering.

"And makes me a coward." Spy said. "Again and again, day after day. A coward and a liar. Oui, I know I am a spy and I lie all the time, oui, that is part of my job and I am paid for that. But I am only paid to lie to the people on the opposite team, not to him. And I hate having to lie to him."

Sniper could almost solidly grasp the distress in his friend's voice. He sat up and pushed the pillow towards Spy. 

"Non." 

Spy pushed the pillow back. 

"I… I cannot continue like this, I will find a way to go back to the base." The Frenchman said and turned back to get down to the ground.

"What?!" Sniper asked. 

"Forgive me for my being impolite but I can't continue, not like this." 

Sniper frowned and leapt back to grasp his friend by his arm and hold him back.

"Hey…" 

Spy turned to look at him. 

"What?" 

"We can talk about somethin' else, we-we can do somethin' else but please, Spy, stay… And how the hell are you gonna make it back to the base anyway? Anyone you could ask for a ride now is more drunk than we've been, combined!"

Spy sighed. 

"Don't hold me back like this, please." 

Sniper opened wide eyes as his friend looked away. Spy's voice sounded so different, so emotional, that it seemed it didn't belong to the masked backstabber Sniper knew.

"It only hurts more." 

The Aussie would have let go of anyone else, but not Spy. 

"No." 

The Frenchman's eyes darted back to Sniper's in a flash. 

"It's not safe out there." The Aussie said. 

"Need I remind you that I am a mercenary and I am armed?"

"Doesn't matter." Sniper tightened his grip on Spy's arm. "I'm not lettin' you go away and risk it."

"Why do you have to make it so difficult? As if I needed it to be harder!" Spy tried to push Sniper's hand away but to no avail. He sighed. 

"Sniper I cannot sit next to you longer."

"Why?" 

"Because-! Ugh, nevermind… I will stay." 

Spy sat next to his friend again but the silence hurt them both. The Frenchman felt guilty for causing such a nice moment to break, and Sniper felt awkward for not knowing how to deal with it. 

"Spy-"

"Sniper-"

They had both talked at the same time. 

"Go ahead, Spook."

"Non, please, after you."

"I don't even know what I wanna say."

"So why did you-?"

"I don't know…"

Silence fell again. 

"So yeah, go ahead, Spook."

"I do apologise for making this awkward." 

"Bah, I'm not helpin' either, am I?" 

Spy looked at his friend and seeing his smile chased away the sadness in his heart. 

"Non, you are not."

"Pfff…" 

They both chuckled. 

"The truth is," Spy said. "That I felt the urge to tell him the truth."

"What?"

"It was a fleeting moment of utter madness but I thought for a second that I could tell the man I love the truth. So I decided to go." 

"Oh, sorry, go ahead and tell him, Spook, I-uh, well, I'd have driven you there myself but I still can't." 

"Non, you misunderstood me."

Sniper raised his eyes and when he heard Spy gulp down hard, his eyebrow twitched. Something was wrong. 

"I did not want to go to him to tell him. I wanted to go away from him to stop myself before I told him the truth and ruin it all but…"

Spy's eyes lowered down. He was looking for his words as if the wrong one would fall on his neck like a guillotine and end him. 

"But he… He held me back." 

Sniper frowned. 

"What d'you mean Spook? I-I've lost you there." 

"Sniper, the man I love, I wanted to run away from him but he just held me back." 

"When the hell did that happen?!" 

"Just a second ago. He… Sniper…" 

"Spook, you're way more drunk that I thought…"

"Non, you idiot, why don't you understand me!" 

"Cause you're bloody confusin'!" 

"Pay attention, Bushman!"

"I am, you wanker! Just tell me very simply!" 

"Ugh, you want simple?! Is that really what you want?! Really?!" 

"Yeah! Make it clear and simple, bloody hell, how hard can it be?!" 

"Well, just about as hard as saying I love you!" 

"Yeah, well at least you're not sayin' I love you!"

"I just did!" Spy's voice jumped an octave.

"Yeah but what did you wanna run away for?!"

"I've just told you, you imbécile!"

"No, ya haven't!" 

"Do you ever, in your life, pay attention to what people say to you?!" Spy furiously asked.

"I bloody am! What is it?!"

"I love you!"

Sniper stopped sharp and blinked repeatedly, his eyelashes fluttering as the words hit his head. 

"What…?! Quit messin' about!" 

"I am not! Ugh…" Spy sighed, annoyed. 

Both took a second to let the sound of their voice ripple away from them and diffuse in the air.

"What's the matter?" Sniper asked gently. 

"The man I love."

"Yeah?" 

"It's you, Sniper."

"It… It can't be true, surely you're lyin'."

"See? This is exactly what I told you I feared, that even if I told him, he wouldn't believe me. And why is it so hard for you to accept this? I am not asking that you love me back, I just want you to believe me when I say it."

"Because… I uh… Well…" 

Spy raised his eyes to his friend. 

"At this point, Sniper, just say it. It can't be harder than me confessing my feelings to you."

"Well…"

"Well what?" 

"I uh… I kinda… Ahem… me too." 

"You too what?" Spy asked. "My turn to ask you to be clear."

"The bloke I love…"

"Oui, what about him?" Spy asked impatiently, or jealously, maybe even both, Sniper couldn't tell. 

"I also… Dream about him. In my dreams, he loves me too and uh… the reason why I don't know what he looks like is because…"

"You can't see his face clearly in your dreams?" 

"Yeah but… Even in real life, he always hides his face b-but I've seen his eyes and…"

Sniper looked away. He couldn't withstand Spy's eyes on him. 

"He has gorgeous eyes, very light blue and… Spy, the lips that you have…! Huh-fuck?!"

Sniper smacked his own hand on his mouth and closed his eyes. 

"Sniper, did you just say…?"

"Bugger… Well I guess I can't make it clearer now, can I?" 

Silence fell and Sniper slowly turned his head to face the man his heart had been secretly beating for. 

"Non, but you can test it…" 

Sniper's eyes fell on Spy's lips and his own parted. He shyly bent a bit on his side and Spy did the same, his fair eyes seeing that what the Aussie wanted, he wanted it too.

Their lips met. 

Under the booms of the distant concert and the one of the proximity of their racing hearts. 

They laced theirs arms and their hands as they both fulfilled a dream that they were adamant would only remain a dream.

Non, nah. Their hearts were louder that the festival's speakers.

"I love you…" Sniper whispered as he pushed Spy to lie down, between two kisses. 

"I love you too…" He heard the French accent sing back. 

And no one slept on the bed in the van. They both remained on the rooftop, Sniper lying on the pillow and Spy using his shoulder like one, as he peppered kissed on his tall lover's neck. 

"Je t'aime." 

[I love you.]

He whispered and Sniper smiled.

"I never thought I'd hear you say it in real life." 

"Have you heard it in your dreams before?" Spy asked. 

"Yeah."

"In French?" 

"Oui, mon amour."

[Yes, my love.]

The accent was off but Sniper's words hit Spy seriously as he clenched his grasp on his lover's chest and he slid a leg between his. Sniper bit his lip. Hearing Spy moaning on him was something he hadn't dreamed about before it really happened.

[secret-kkh-fics]

Light Casts a Shadow - Chapter 1

This chapter is now avaliable on AO3!!!

Chapter Summary:

Bagra whisks Alina away into the bows of the castle, telling her the ‘truth’ and insisting she flee, Alina is put in a spin. She wonders if Bagra was telling the truth and if Aleksander was lying to her. Or if it might be the other way around. She wonders about her new friends, and her old one, and what her place in all of this is.

Author Note:

I know there’s a thousand and one plots out here like this, but damn it, it’s a good one, so who cares. This is my take on it. I kinda binged the show and the books in a week, so there will be a mix of both in here, but mostly based off the show.

One thing I find super interesting about reworking this scene is that they made Bagra way more manipulative and Aleksander much more… emotional and human. Show!Aleks seemed like he legitimately fell in love with Alina, as opposed to Book!Aleks whose manipulations were so cold and obvious that of course Alina got the fuck out of there. In the show, there’s more room for her to doubt and think that she could maybe draw him back. So, I’m going to have fun playing around with that dynamic.

A Stupid Decision

Alina watched as Aleksander left, her heart still racing, a coy smile still pulling at her lips where she could still feel the kiss he'd rushed back to give her. She let out a slow breath to try and still her racing heart but was unable to wipe the smile from her face. She could barely believe that had just happened!

She'd barely been able to believe it since she'd surprised the both of them by kissing him that morning. It was an impulse, and when he'd drawn up to his full height, she remembered how dread had filled her that she'd overstepped the line. But then the start of that smile that set butterflies free in her stomach began to tug at his lips, and before she knew it, she was kissing him again. It had been interesting and thrilling throughout the day to see the small gestures of affection he showed her amongst his usual stoicism.

Telling her how lovely she looked, giving her flowers. She was certain that there would be a lot of gossip in the morning. She may be new at this, but she was sure that they were not being very subtle. The thought made her giggle. She could only imagine Nadia and Marie insisting on her telling them the real story and pestering her for every detail. She wondered how they'd react to know that they'd kissed… and that he had practically thrown her up on top of his war table and…

 A sudden creaking sound filled the air, and out of the corner of her eye, she saw a door swing open where there hadn't been one before. Quickly, she created a large ball of sunlight to defend herself but paused when she saw the familiar figure holding the door open, lantern in hand.

"Come with me," the old woman ordered.

"Baghra?! What are you…?" She let the sunlight go out.

"Stupid girl!" she hissed, striding over and grabbing her by the wrist, dragging her back towards the secret door. "No time to dawdle."

"N-no!"

"You need to leave this place," she insisted. She placed a hand on her back and forcefully guided her through the door.

"What? Why?" she demanded.

What had happened? Was there an attack? Was she being hunted? She hadn't heard a ruckus outside the door, but Aleksander had been urgently called away. It was something important enough he'd felt the need to keep his guards outside the door to make sure she was safe.

"Now, before it's too late."

"Baghra, why?"

Baghra reached up to the wall beside her and pulled a lever that closed the door before she finally answered. "I'm trying to save you living the rest of your life as a slave." And with that, she walked on ahead, down the narrow passage and the stairs before them. And this time, Alina followed. If not, just because she wanted answers.

"A Slave? But… Baghra!" Ugh, the old woman was always so frustrating. She kept moving and wasn't giving her a straight answer. Instead, she had to chase after her. "Whatever’s wrong, I should go back and find Aleks- General Kirigan,” she corrected herself. “I’m sure he can help.”

Baghra paused. “I’m trying to save you from Aleksander.” Then she carried on, leaving Alina stunned on the step.

Her head spun. What on earth was Baghra talking about?! Aleksander wouldn’t enslave her. He wouldn’t hurt her. He… he cared about her. They had been kissing only moments ago, and she was sure that she would have been in the cells from the get-go if he wanted her as a slave.

Looking back down the hall, where Aleksander was, where she wanted to go, she had to turn back and follow the old woman who just kept moving along.

“He intends to expand the Fold and use it as a weapon,” she went on. “That’s what he created it for in the first place.”

Hold on, what? Okay, Baghra had to be going insane. “The Black Heretic created the Fold,” she said. Everyone knew that. “Hundreds of years ago, and it was a mistake! Maybe you’re dehydrated from all the heat in your hut. He wanted me to train so I could get stronger!”

She finally managed to cut in front of her and force her to a stop. “Did he?” she replied patronisingly. “Or did he want you distracted by dreams of your future with him?” Anger bubbled up in her. How dare she? And how did she even know…? “Did he want you dependant on him, on his Fabrikator’s tricky little gloves?”

“No,” she said, shaking her head. He wouldn’t. These were all words from a bitter old woman. He wouldn’t do that to her. “No!”

“Child,” her tone, for once, was almost sympathetic. “Aleksander is the Black Heretic. He chose a nobleman’s name to hide after he made the Fold.”

It all sounded so absurd.

“You’re lying.”

“Look at me, girl!” she demanded. Then, with a twist of her hand, the room around them fell into darkness as shadows surrounded them, making Alina look about in shock. Her heart froze in her chest.

She was a Shadow Summoner.

“You can… But only Kirigan’s bloodline…” His bloodline. Oh, that’s when it hit her. She was his bloodline. “You’re his mother.”

“My son tried creating his own army with merzost,” she answered, letting the shadows seep away and the light return. “He didn’t think about the people who lived there, what such power would do to them. Turned them into the twisted, evil things that attacked you.”

Baghra’s words sunk in, and she felt her heart sinking with them. “Volcra were men?”

“And women. Children.” She had tears in her eyes as she spoke now, and her words became a whisper. “I warned him there’d be a price.” And again, she abruptly walked on, sweeping past and leaving Alina behind to process what she’d just been told.

Part of her still refused to believe it. It just… it didn’t sound like Aleksander. And he’d said it was his ancestor, not him. He was nowhere near that old. She’d heard a rumour he was over a hundred, but no one could live for that long. No one could be as old as the Fold.

“That was hundreds of years ago!” she cried, rushing after Baghra.

“He’s had many names, served many kings, faked countless deaths… waiting for you.”

She’d led them to some kind of storage room, and as she looked around, she led them to a large, old picture frame and pulled the cloth off it to reveal a familiar figure.

Aleksander.

The details weren’t perfect, the artist’s style making it seem a little off, but it was recognisably him.

“With you at his command,” she went on, “he’ll be able to enter the Fold and weaponise it as he always planned. He’ll be unstoppable.”

“He told me he wanted to make the country whole again,” she said, unable to take her eyes off the portrait.

Maybe he was older than he’d said he was… but that didn’t mean his intentions were different. It was all he talked about. Bringing down the Fold…

“He’s had centuries to master lying to naïve girls.” This finally drew Alina’s eyes to her, and her voice suddenly grew mocking. “Did he tell you how lonely he was? Give you a glimpse of the wounded boy? He isn’t a boy at all. He is eternal. And you never stood a chance.” Alina wanted to scream at her that it wasn’t true. That she was lying. But she couldn’t help her mind running over every moment the two of them had spent together. Everything he’d ever said to her through the filter of deception… “Did you think this was just about you? He’s been obsessed with power, with hunting all of Morozova’s creatures. You nearly gave him the stag.” She looked up at her, confused about how she’d done such a thing, but the woman continued on. “And I’m telling you, you must hide.”

Again, Baghra was off, walking away and leaving her behind to stare at the imperfect but recognisable portrait of Aleksander… Her mind was reeling still. She didn’t know what to think or how she felt. She was just overwhelmed and lost. She didn’t know if she should trust Aleksander or his mother… Or either of them.

It wasn’t true… it couldn’t be true, could it? It just didn’t make sense. Yet there were small bits of proof before her already. She knew Aleksander, or at least she thought she had. Her heart ached as she thought of his every word being a lie to manipulate her. But the bigger part of her couldn’t bring herself to believe it. It just wasn’t true! But even if it was…

She strode determinedly over to Baghra. “I won’t help him! I’ll fight back!” she declared.

She just needed to figure out the truth. She couldn’t let Baghra drag her away until she knew that much.

“You’re far from strong enough to face him,” she scoffed. “I thought I had more time to prepare you, but it’ll have to wait.”

She opened another door and held it open for her. She was holding out the lantern for her, and it was clear enough that she was supposed to go alone from here. As she handed over the lantern and made to close the door behind her, she gave her some final instructions.

“Stay on the main path until the fork. Take the path to the right. You’ll find food storage. Wait there. There are some Grisha who are loyal to me. They will help keep you safe until I find a plan.

“The right?” she reiterated, and Baghra nodded.

“Now go, girl!”

The door swung closed, and she was alone.

Alone in the dark.

Alone with her racing thoughts.

Numbly, she continued down the dark, narrow passageway for some time, her racing thoughts a torrent threatening to drag her under.

A huge part of her struggled to believe what Baghra had told her. But what if she was right? If Aleksander really was hundreds of years old, it only made sense he’d have had years of manipulating people. He could have been telling her only what she wanted to hear all this time. Playing along with the whims of a foolish girl who thought herself beginning to fall in love. And how better to manipulate…

But… No. No, not all of that could have been a lie. It can’t have. She had seen the look in his eyes. She’d watched that beautiful, genuine smile bloom across his features, lighting him up like she’d never seen before. She’d seen the unshed tears in his eyes. And the pure awe and wonder on his face. She’d seen the look of hope in his eyes whenever they landed on her. That couldn’t all have been a lie, could it?

Or was she looking for things that weren’t there? Trying to deny it all, so it hurt less.

Did she trust Baghra more than Aleksander? Did she really trust anyone here? Maybe it was a good thing that she was getting out. She’d never have to come back here. She’d never have to deal with all this insane nonsense again. She wouldn’t have to be their Sun Summoner. She wouldn’t have to deal with the political bullshit. Or with bloody Grisha like Ivan and Zoya… and Genya, and Nadia and Marie, and Fedyor… Not… not any of them.

Her friends.

Once upon a time, if she’d been asked about friends, she’d say she only had one. Mal. But then, things changed. Then they were separated, and she joined the mapmaker's guild. And she supposed she could call some of them her friends. Alexei had at least been kind to her… Now he was likely dead - lost in the Fold, a place she was supposed to destroy.

And Genya and been a genuine friend to her, as had Nadia and Marie. Marie had even volunteered to pretend to be her for the night to help keep her safe. Could she really just abandon them with no warning?

Could she abandon any of them without warning?

What about Aleksander? What would he think? Would he think she’d run away from him right after they’d almost become intimate? Would he think she was kidnapped? Whether he was the Black Heretic or not, manipulator or just her Aleks, she knew that he would be driven to fury. She could already imagine the impassive mask he tried to wear to hide how upset or angry he was and how the shadows would flock around him, darkening the room as they darkened his mind. She could imagine the quiet rage he would command everyone at his service to search for her. He would leave no stone unturned…

He would never let her go…

She came to a standstill, realising that her arm was aching from holding the heavy lantern in her grasp. Why was she even bothering with it? She had the power of the sun at her fingertips! And with the smallest twist of her hand, an orb now floated there, lighter and brighter than the lantern, allowing her to put it down. She continued down the path only a few more steps before she came to the fork that Baghra had spoken of. She stared at the sharp point of the wall a moment before looking towards the right, where she’d been told to go.

Down there, Grisha loyal to Baghra would meet her to keep her safe… from Aleksander. Down there led to a path of being hunted, trained viciously and a life under the thumb of a woman she didn’t fully trust.

She turned and looked to the left path. She didn’t know what was down there or where it would lead out… but it was an escape. It was a path away from Baghra and away from Aleksander and the Little Place. She would still be hunted, but it was also freedom and a return to Mal.

Mal… her oldest friend, and the boy she’d loved for just as long… The boy who had left for the war when she’d done all she could for them to not be separated. The boy who had never noticed her feelings no matter how much she told him, dismissing it as the words of a best friend, and went out and flirted and fucked any pretty face he saw. The boy who had felt so betrayed by her being Grisha he hadn’t even written to her in all this time…

And still, he was her friend. And a part of her ached to see him.

But then, behind her… she looked back at the path from which she came. Behind her was her duty. She remembered in vivid clarity how not an hour ago, an entire hall of people, servants, Grisha and nobility alike had bowed before her and praised her a saint. They believed in her and trusted in – no, needed her to bring down the Fold tearing their country apart. Behind her lay her new friends. Genya, so strict and proper, yet sweet and utterly smitten with her Fabrikator. Marie and Nadia, who would worry about her and miss her so. She’d never had any friends that were girls before them, and it had been nice to gossip with them and feel… normal. For once in her life, she’d felt normal. Like this was how it was supposed to be.

Kissing Aleks had felt normal. It had felt right.

And yet, now she didn’t know what to think of him. The one thing she knew for sure was that he would never let her go. Not without a fight.

And she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to fight. Oh, she would fight tooth and nail if Baghra’s words were true, and he somehow tried to enslave her. But she couldn’t let the words of one person ruin how she saw him and what they’d had. She’d seen the proof that he was much older than he let on and that Baghra was his mother… But she needed to know more. She needed to know the truth.

And maybe it was a stupid decision to walk right back into the lion’s den, but maybe she had to take that risk. Part of her was desperate to know and wouldn’t let her go until she did. She felt something pulling her back the way she had come: an impulse, a gut feeling, an instinct. Like something was tethering her to something or someone back there, slowly luring her back in. She was drawn that way…

And so, she turned and took a step.

She sighed heavily, not even sure what she was doing.

And another step.

No path before her was perfect. But her heart yearned for answers.

And another.

She was going to have to find a way to survive this situation either way. And strangely… the best way to survive might be with maybe the deadliest of the lot. If Baghra was right, he needed her. Perhaps not in the way she’d started hoping he did. But he wouldn’t hurt her if he thought she was on his side. Maybe he’d see through her, but maybe he’d let her play along. Some kind of unspoken truce where they both had the advantage over the other.

But she was getting ahead of herself. She didn’t even know if any of this was true. And even if he was the Heretic, no one’s stories matched up.

She just… she wanted to know the truth.

It took a while for her to weave her way back through the narrow halls, and she had trouble remembering the way once she came to the door where Baghra had left her. It was all empty now, and she took a moment longer to stare at that ancient painting once more, taking in every detail, reaching out to touch the familiar features. When she finally began moving again, she turned herself around a few times, ending up in unfamiliar passages a few times until she finally found herself at the stairwell she remembered. She climbed all the way to the top and along to where she saw that lever. It didn’t take much to reach up and pull it. The metallic sound of creaking of gears filled the space, and the door swung open.

Cautiously, she stepped through the door and back into Aleksander’s outer chamber. All was quiet and still inside, the lights now dimmed. But chatter could still be heard beyond the door, the party still going on, oblivious to the fact that their Sun Summoner had been gone so long. Marie must have been handling the dinner very well.

But the lights were out… which means that Aleksander must have come back at some point and found her missing. He was likely out searching for her at the banquet, trying to see where she was. With the light out, she kept her own bright, looking out over the room. Her eyes fell on the irises left on the table.

The beautiful flowers he’d presented her with, out of nowhere before sweeping her off to his suit mere hours ago now. Her favourite flowers, no less. She wondered how he’d known or if he’d even known at all. Despite the turbulent feelings raging within her, she still remembered her elation when he’d handed them to her, and she found herself picking them up and pressing them to her nose once more. They still smelled just as sweet.

…This was a stupid idea.

Looking back to the secret door, she thought for a moment that she could still go. But she’d come back for a reason, and now that she was here, she wanted to see it through.

She also noticed, though, that the door wasn’t closing. The lever in the passageway was obvious, the one inside was not. And after a while of searching, she still couldn’t see anything. She supposed that Aleksander was just going to have to close it once he arrived. She didn’t plan on keeping her knowledge secret. She wanted answers, and that required the truth.

She wandered around the room for a while, looking at everything around her, including his papers and books, as if that would give her some kind of hint as to the truth. But everything out here gave nothing away. Of course, he probably wouldn’t hide important secrets on something so easy to access as a private bookshelf.

After what seemed like hours, she was more than bored. She was exhausted, having kept the orb of light going for so long. A record for her, most certainly. She was starving since she’d skipped the dinner. And she was honestly getting sleepy, almost nodding off while reading through his books. She had no idea what time of the night it was.

But falling asleep on the floor of his outer chamber was probably not the smartest idea. Slowly, she moved into the bedroom. The doors were wide open, and she could see his grand bed at the end, much like hers, only with dark sheets. But what did she expect? Black was his colour.

What she didn’t expect was the mass of papers that littered one side of his bed, though. As if he’d chosen to sit there and sort through them instead of at the large desk she knew sat just out in the other room. Curiously, she sat down and began picking up papers and reading them. Most of them seemed to be plans and details about the Fete. Others about the general activity of the Grisha both out in the Second Army and here at the Little Place. There were a few letters and reports from and about a Heartrender called Nina who had gone missing. And most interestingly, there were a few pages of maps and sightings of Morozova’s Stag.

…Baghra had said something about her leading him right to the stag. She wasn’t sure what it had to do with her, though. But it was clear that he was at least looking for it. It made her wonder why he would need an amplifier. He was already so powerful… And if he really was the Black Heretic, even more so than anyone could possibly imagine.

She wasn’t sure how long she’d been in his rooms now, but it had been hours, and he was still not back. And soon, she found that the monotonous reading, the exhaustion of the day, and his very comfortable bed were the perfect recipe for her to slip off into the darkness.

Author Note:

Hope you enjoyed the start of this one! Things are going to split from the actual plot radically from here on in!

Chapter Index  |  Next Chapter >>

[thinkingbookthoughts]

Strange the Dreamer, post read thoughts.

I just finished it last night, and hoo boy was it a read. This is the first book I’ve read by Laini Taylor, and it’s got me wanting to read more. I’m starting Muse of Nightmares tonight or tomorrow, and maybe after that the Daughters of Smoke and Bone trilogy. Anyway, [spoilers probably]:

First off, I don’t care for fantasy. I tend to have little patience for made up words (yes, I know all words are made up, you know what I mean) and hyper detailed world building. I enjoy the fantastical, but fantasy as a genre generally bores me to tears. I don’t want to read about fake cultures when I could be learning about real ones. That’s personal taste, whatever. Taylor however, writes it almost exactly the way I want to read it. She dips occasionally into exposition dumps, but I find it nowhere near as tiresome as the typical Tolkienesque approach. Even then, I’m interested. She’s created such a wonderful world that I want to know whatever she’s going to give me, and uncovering some new detail feels like a treat, not a slog. My eyes still glaze over at all the made up words and politics, but everything else makes up for it.

What keeps this book interesting to me is definitely not the plot though. I have no major issues with it, it’s fine, whatever. But it falls into the category of legendary fantasy tale that generally I have no interest in. Hero’s journey and all that. I find it boring. Again, personal taste, whatever. I tend to enjoy character driven more than plot driven anyway, and this book is absolutely character driven. The story itself is so simple I might even go so far as to call it formulaic, but the people who carry it are something else. When their hearts break, so does yours. I won’t lie, she does go for some easy gut punches, but they do still feel earned and in their place. She’s not afraid to let you dislike her heroes. Except maybe Lazlo, I’ll talk more about him later (though I feel like the sequel may challenge him more). Most of the people that we grow to like are complicated. They’ve done terrible things, or harbor toxic beliefs, but they’re also justified to a certain extent. And to what extent that is, is left up to you.

She does kind of beat you over the head with her themes, but I mean, this is technically YA. It’s not terribly clumsy, you just find yourself wanting to go, “OK I get it! Move on!” every once in a while. But that’s a hard line to toe as a writer, and as far as shortcomings go, it’s really not that big of a deal. I’m willing to forgive it, anyway. Sometimes you can feel when the “correct” answer is coming through, usually because Lazlo is taking a hard line moral stance, but it never felt so overwhelming to me that it seemed like right and wrong were being truly dictated. It’s not perfect, and writers are allowed to have opinions, so eh.

In general, I’m a big fan of her writing style. I get the feeling the novelty would wear thin if I read all of her books back to back, so I won’t lmao, but from the one I’ve read I love it. She has issues with repetition to the point where it crosses from emphasis to unnecessary and redundant pretty often, but god I am a simp for flowery prose, so I will forgive it. If I had to describe the way she writes to someone who is deciding whether or not to read it, I’d say that she writes like those verbose, rich paragraphs you find on tumblr. You know, where someone has had a few nice sentences flow into their head, but they aren’t going to expand on it so they post it as is, without the context that might make it anything more than pretty words. (No shade, but... look they’re not exactly high art, ok?) Except that she’s actually written the book. And I find it a very pleasurable experience. Like I said, I am a simp for all things purple. If you’re not, you’ll probably hate it.

It can, at times, absolutely feel indulgent, but in a way the whole book is. I mean the fantastical elements of this story really go hard. She’s not really attempting realism here. Grounded (enough), sure, but definitely not realistic. And it’s fine by me. I’m willing to give a story a lot of passes if I feel like the writer has earned them in other ways. I don’t care if every little detail is what would really happen. Not at all, actually. If I wanted realism I’d go outside. I’m reading a book, not a newspaper.

One example is what I saw described as the “insta-love” between Lazlo and Sarai. Personally, I had no issues with it. It felt earned and in place in the context of the story. It makes sense for the two characters, both of whom are young and have felt painfully isolated for their entire lives. And then in walks someone with a mutual attraction, who can interact with them and appreciate them in a way no one else ever has. Yeah of course they fall in love. Even if the relationship wouldn’t have worked out long term, it makes total sense that one would have started. And as for how quickly it happened, eh. They literally met in a dream, what do you want?

There are plenty of other crimes that I’m sure I would defend, but here’s one I won’t. Thyon Nero. He is so criminally underutilized in this story, I question his place in it at all. Which is a goddamn shame because I love me a petty bitch like Thyon. It feels like he’s all wasted potential. In a sea of interesting, well drawn characters, he’s flat as Saskatchewan. Unforgivable. If it had been another character, fine. But Thyon? Come on! We spend enough time with him that he should feel more interesting, but he just doesn’t. There’s an attempt to give him a tragic backstory and whatever, but it’s so cliche (rich pretty boy with an abusive family behind the scenes controlling him and making him feel like a pawn in their game. Snarky on the outside, hurting on the inside, blah blah you’ve heard it a million times.) that I need more! You can’t just give me a scene of him getting whipped by his shitty dad, toss off a sentence about him wanting to free from his family’s exploitation, and then dust your hands and call it a day. UGH. He honestly serves as little more than an occasionally funny, almost interesting character foil for Lazlo. He exists to show you what a good boy Lazlo is. And that’s it. They aren’t even proper enemies. How much they dislike each other in any given scene is directly inverse to how much the plot needs them to get along in that moment. Before they’ve even reached the city Thyon is little more than a mild inconvenience. So why set him up as this scary antagonist??? I’m really hoping the second expands on him. I need more. You cannot dangle a funny bitch like him in front of my face and then do nothing with him! RUDE.

Ok, now Lazlo, I said I’d talk about him. Here we are. Lazlo Lazlo Lazlo. First of all, hate his name. That’s a nothing issue, I just had to say it. Second, he’s kinda lame, huh? I wouldn’t say that he’s underdeveloped, I feel like I have a much better idea of who he is than I do Thyon, it’s just that his development isn’t that interesting. He very much feels like a protagonistTM. He’s passionate and funny, driven and like... always in the right on moral issues. He’s the immediately accepted outsider who’s also able to bring a new, but more importantly, morally correct perspective on their issues. He’s charming, but humble, shy but not enough to actually impede social interaction. I don’t hate him, I’d probably hang out with him if I was on that journey (assuming I wasn’t following Thyon around like the simp I am). He’s just that kind of perfectly imperfect character. His flaws only make him more likeable, he’s never outright wrong about anything. I’ll say it, Lazlo is a Mary Sue.

Lazlo is a Mary Sue and Thyon was wasted on his basic ass. And that’s that on that.

I will let that (correct) declaration wrap this up. It’s way too long already. Thank god not a single person on earth reads these. Small miracles.

[normal-thoughts-official]

more malec livewatch, everyone! i decided to start making the posts separately instead of keeping reblogging the same one over and over because i don’t want to drive everyone crazy with that gigantic fucking post. you can read the first ones here and i’ll keep updating the posts to lead to the next ones i guess. also im tagging it malec livewatch for those who want to avoid this nonsense

so let’s brave pre-wedding episode 12 i guess

oh boy.... we’re gonna do it... we’re gonna experience the Maximum Cringe

the special effects are so BAD odaijsdoaj when he summons the wine into Alec’s hand it’s just...... god

“we never finished our conversation” i mean you were the one who finished it magnus so wtf are you going on about

“it’s about family, tradition, honor” yeah we get it zuko boi duoahsiudhdiusa

really tho like he’s so clearly just.... reciting it. taking some shit out off the top of his head about how it’s the right thing and it’s sad tbh

he clearly kinda already has a script too? like “you and I understand marriage very differently” he says it right off the bat, he’s been thinking it over and hghgghgh

magnus goes near alec and alec swallows immediately and magnus ain’t even making a move to touch him yet. just diuahsdah it’s so obvious how hard he’s trying to hold back here

“you’re confusing me” is like the only thing he says the whole scene that sounds genuine

he’s paying so much attention to magnus’ dumb little speech about what love feels like too like. he’s trying to hold back but he’s very clearly pulled in, and i don’t even think it’s by magnus specifically (i mean obviously cuz have you seen him) but because he... kind of wants to hear it, kind of wants magnus to give him some golden argument that will make his whole resolution shatter. except he doesn’t because he doesn’t know what he’ll do then, but he’s still hoping for something and it’s sad

like how magnus clearly pauses like he’s waiting for alec’s reaction too, like. alec makes to leave and magnus doesn’t go after him, but he speaks, and alec stops. only when alec stops he gets closer. only when alec looks at him, clearly waiting to hear more, does he begin to talk again. i dig that even if most of this scene is kinda ugh to me

i hate how he uses his magic tho like what’s the point?? like yes i know that magic “can’t create feelings” but still dauhdsa it kinds feels like he’s cheating or trying to manipulate alec or something and i’m.. not into how the whole thing is done

oof hate how alec says “this is all just a game to you, isn’t it?” like bitch you know damn well it’s not like he’s putting himself at risk and showing you so much vulnerability and i hate how he goes for the whole “oh magnus doesn’t care about anything he’s just a seductive lothario” narrative in here lowkey. like i know he’s just trying to distance himself and he doesn’t fully believe it but... aaaaa i hate it

and he’s so HURT by alec’s words too like the rejection doesn’t hurt him as much as hearing alec say that he just flirts and it means nothing to him does. he’s trying so fucking hard to be open and honest and taking such a RISK (psychological, emotional, even physical) and alec is just throwing all of that bullshit persona he’s actively trying not to hide behind in his face, belittling all his efforts and feelings, and aaa

like again i don’t really blame alec but he truly is so hurt

still wonder what alec was about to say when he turned around to talk to him and magnus wasn’t there anymore tbh like. probably something else to try and distance himself so it’s probably good magnus left and isn’t there to hear it and it kind of forces alec to really think it over to himself instead of trying to argue but...... i do wonder what he was going to say diahsiduahdisah

magnus doesn’t even answer the whole “this means nothing to you” veiled accusation which.... also hurts like idk if he’s trying to avoid a fight or derailing like alec clearly is trying to, or if he just is too tired to have this argument, or if he just doesn’t want to open up this much, but either way he doesn’t acknowledge it except for his hurt look and oof

no one cares about jace and clary talking or whatever’s happening here next

i had never noticed the way magnus winks at clary when he says “oh, it’s happy hour somewhere, my dear” daishdaiuh it’s kinda cute tbh

hodge is so uncomfortable like the way he talks to magnus and gets too close to him... in a way that he doesn’t with anyone else either like he’s clearly just lowkey despising him/getting into his space and magnus notices too and it gives me the heebie jeebies

diuhaiudsahduaishdai magnus’ IMMEDIATE reaction of “why is ragnor fell there, he’s not more powerful than me” asohdaiudha we stan bickering bffs i truly love them so much

“he’s older than you” “certainly not wiser” daiohsahda

i think he might also be lowkey trying to protect ragnor and take the clave’s attention away from him now that i think about it but still i love their bickering

nah that’s cancelled he immediately rats him out on having been jocelyn’s profesor lmaoo

“that’s why he hasn’t been responding to my fire messages” daoihdsaiohads someone needs to lick their wounds

he’s just like “oh ragnor is hiding in his specific safehouse outside of london” like daoiusduaihdasuda love how he just knows that off the top of his head when ragnor clearly didn’t actually tell him about it since he just fucked off and hasn’t been responding

“didn’t know you were here” “that was the point” doaiuhdasiouhdaiuhdas

like i know he’s talking about the marriage but also.... just mood in general tbh

again with the eye flickering. hes looking at magnus, no hes not, yeah he is, haha SIKE, oh there it is again, nope it’s gone..... kinda funny cuz like i know that alec’s eyes flicker a lot in general but afterwards when they are together every time he looks at magnus it’s just so pointed and intense and focused on him so the contrast of watching the s1 scenes and realizing how little his glances at magnus always lasted is... interesting and heartbreaking. like obviously he doesn’t want to be looking at any man for too long, doesn’t want to take that risk, keeps hyper aware of his attraction at all times, but he still can’t help the glances and then when he can look he just does it so unapologetically and intensely and you can tell that it’s just. intimate to him (to both of them really) right then, and wow

i know we talk a lot about alec’s Big Hands but magnus’ hands are so nice too in like a totally different way... anytime he holds anything it just looks like he’s treating it like it’s precious, it’s so delicate and careful and his hands are smooth and pretty and wow i love him so fucking much

wow can’t believe nothing heartbreaking at all happens when they go to ragnor’s house and that ragnor just winks at magnus like “haha yes i am ‘dead’” and magnus is like “yes, this is a lie and a ruse and also a plan. i am perfectly aware that ragnor is not dead at all”

ragnor says “my dear friend, i will always be here for you” with so much honesty and love and ugh i love them like they’re always little bitches to each other but they still have the room to be perfectly loving and honest with each other and i stan

ragnor looks at magnus with so much fucking hurt when magnus says “i prayed she would love me the same” like you can tell it destroys him to even remember it or think about it and aaa

“he was always so much better looking than you” and the way magnus purses his lips in what is clearly a smile like he just knows it’s the teasing and he loves ragnor and their dynamic and i just daouhdsauida also he’s so beautiful boy i die

the way ragnor says “someday, someone will come and will tear down those walls you put around you and around your heart” and magnus looks at him with so much. fucking PAIN in his eyes because someone did but it got nowhere and in the end alec just kind of acknowledged his walls again and went back to pretending that it never happened and that magnus didn’t progress or open up to it at all, that magnus was just lying, that it’s just a game and dauhdaiudha god he’s so HURT

again i owe harry shum jr my entire life like he might be seriously the best actor i’ve ever seen in any show, he’s so damn expressive and talented in every little motion he’s truly a pearl in the desert of shit that is this show

“even in death, you give the best advice” ugh love how this really cements that magnus is used to opening up to ragnor and even with their bickering there’s so much room for them to be emotionally honest like we stan

anyway sure wish this had any emotional continuity whatsoever but at least the cringefest is over. onto an actual good scene fucking finally

love every little detail about this scene as yall probably already know so i’ll try not to point every single one of them out yet again but who knows if i’ll succeed. i bet that i won’t tbh

love the contrast between alec looking so tense when lydia comes down the aisle and she’s like all smiles and shit

she’s before him and he can barely look at her like his eyes flicker a bit between her and the bouquet and he settles on the bouquet this whole thing is so... wrong so clearly, like i could show it to someone who doesn’t know shit about sh and they would be able to tell that nothing fits

even alec’s clothes are weird, like idk i don’t understand fashion but his look looks so disjointed, like the blazer doesn’t really match the pants, the bowtie looks weird and doesn’t match the buttons, and shit and nothing about him looks like it’s in the right place. and everyone else (except maybe izzy who also looks miserable lmao) looks like a perfect picture and he’s just.... idk there’s this aura of wrongness around him that’s subtle but really well done in the terms of costume and shit. the costume department really went off in this whole scene honestly like we stan. possibly the only ones other than the actors who knew what the fuck they were doing lmao

when lydia smiles at izzy and izzy barely moves up the corner of one of her lips dajdasnjdan she looks even more miserable than alec does and god i love the lightwood siblings so much like i truly do. she’s supporting him because she’s decided she’s not going to keep pushing him when it only leads to him not trusting her but she’s all broken that he’s broken, and she was willing to take his place and throw her life away even when that’s everything she’s always tried to avoid, just so he wouldn’t have to do this, and aaaaa

who cares about jace and clary looking at each other @directing team like seriously get over this

he turns in the direction of the silent brother in an almost kind of jerking motion like he completely forgot about where he was supposed to go or something, like again he’s just... not in it

they are holding hands in the WEIRDEST possible way too like there’s so much distance between them it’s almost funny ldaojsja

he tries to smile at lydia when she’s about to put the rune on his arm like he knows she knows that he’s hating this and he’s just bearing it and trying to not make her uncomfortable? like doajdsaoj

the way that magnus INTERRUPTS not just the wedding but also the chorus, you could tell there was a crescendo coming even if you’ve never heard the song, but magnus pushes the doors open and suddenly it stops and there’s this little bit and then the “tututututu” of tension as he comes into view and his steps perfectly match the three little beats that were already there before, but sound so much louder and more prominent like a heartbeat, like before they were muffled and now they’re real??? the poetic cinema bro

ill just never get over the way they used song here it sounds like an AMV like the song isn’t just giving the vibe, they are telling the story THROUGH the song and the whole scene is basically a coreography, and the song is the narrative, and holy shit i love it so much could you imagine if they had used this amount of thought and genius and clever storytelling the whole show?? i’d shit myself

ugh the DRAMA of magnus’ look again i KNOW i’ve been over this again and again and again and again and again and again but i just. i love how they used his makeup & costume to accentuate magnus’ 1- face, 2- eyes, 3- jaw, and 4- adam’s apple. the whole focus is on his face and eyes (which again so expressive we stan harry shum jr in this house), the fact that his eyes are his WARLOCK MARK (yeah they’re not out but like we’re still drawing attention to the part of magnus he tries to hide the most, and the part of him that marks what makes him disdainful to shadowhunters), the fact that his jaw and adam’s apple are so prominent. his whole face looks really sharp and masculine you know?? like the whole focus is on everything about him that’s supposed to be “wrong” and make malec “wrong” but he’s never looked more beautiful (IT’S SUCH AN UNDERRATED LOOK) and they didn’t sacrifice his gnc-ness for it either, on the contrary, they gave his hair the hot pink streak which. INSPIRED WE STAN, and the makeup is very clear (again esp around his eyes) which of course only adds to it because he’s not just a man, he’s a gnc man and that makes it “worse”, but also like, i like how they accentuated his masculinity in alec’s coming out scene, without sacrificing his identity and gender non conformness. again the costume department is the only one who genuinely knew what they were doing 100% of the time i hope they all got big fucking checks

alec just blinks and focuses on him and it’s the first time it looks like he’s really looking at something and i just wow

izzy is so happy to see magnus there :) she loves her brother so much :)

magnus holding up two fingers to get people to shut up... the way he snarls “maryse, this is between me and your son” with so much certainty and like no room for bullshit he’s so good at making shadowhunters too speechless to stop him and honestly im such a whore tbh if he did this to me id just nut on the spot. shut me up daddy. fuck who said that

like how they included the “i’ll leave if he asks me to” and how he really doesn’t say anything, he’s just standing there, like they made sure to make this scene respectful and i was kind of dreading it the first time because i’d HATE it if magnus had outed him or made this whole drama out of it but he didn’t and i like that so so much

“i thought we were doing the right thing, but... this isn’t it” always gets me and i can’t even put my finger on why. it just does like again this is not really about magnus or their relationship, it’s about how he feels about the whole thing, everything that he’s giving up and he barely knows what for anymore, and i justjfianfajf

again the BRILLIANCE of the song usage the way that he’s talking to lydia and the beat is so damn loud and overwhelming and then as soon as he turns to magnus everything just drowns out and there is one (1) piano note and it’s just him and magnus and it’s like everything silences??? he’s just so damn focused and it’s not the nervousness and loudness of everyone else and their whole audience (they don’t even show the audience anymore after alec turns to him for real and before the actual kiss i don’t think) and there’s just that sharp focus and certainty because alec’s made up his mind and there’s no sound anymore like mwaaahhh poetic cinEMA

and it’s just that moment of clarity as they both look at each other and the song begins again with the higher tempo again, but it feels more like, a march? than that overwhelming noise. and of course there’s the singing and it feels like everything has purpose and is just laser focused and it’s still intense but in a completely opposite way, not lost but found and wow im such a whORE for this scene it’s unbelievable

like how alec takes the first step towards magnus after he’s down the stairs exactly as the song goes “want” like mwaahhhhh brilliance amazing talented showstopping spectacular never been done before completely unique,

his “enough” is dajksdfahidasdhadusahuash again im a simple sub id nut

i was right they only really show the audience again after the kiss. except for maryse but even then it’s so quick, we see her going to alec and after alec says “enough” she literally doesn’t show anymore it’s like she’s not even there, she just disappears it’s so sexy we stan??? like again alec’s made up his mind and nothing else is there to stop him wow love that for him could you imagine thinking this man is shy and insecure? can’t relate

THEY ARE SKIGGNISNGG

FOREVER A WHORE FOR THE WAY MAGNUS CHASES AFTER HIM HOLY FUCKING SHIT. THE WAY HE’S SO LOST IN THE KISS, IN THE ELATION, AND HE JUST CAN’T HELP GOING FOR MORE BEFORE HE CAN STOP HIMSELF AND KEEP UP WITH HIS TIGHT COMPOSTURE (because magnus had barely moved once alec had seen him, he just stood there and waited like he was waiting for his cue, he was holding himself perfectly steadily and just had so many walls) LIKE HE JUST CAN’T HELP BUT WANT?? AND GO FOR MORE?? AND THEN HE REALIZES ALEC IS PULLING AWAY AND HE LOOKS AT HIM FOR A SECOND (and his eyes look so DIFFERENT, not like there’s a wall there, he looks relieved and happy and even kind of dazed and i just wow the difference is SO clear) AND ALEC LOOKS AT HIM AND HE TAKES JUST A FRACTION OF A SECOND BEFORE HE LEANS IN AGAIN, AND IT’S THE FIRST TIME THAT MAGNUS HAS ASKED FOR MORE AND ALEC’S GIVEN IT, BECAUSE ALEC HAS BEEN GIVING HIM SOME OPENINGS BUT EVERY TIME MAGNUS WANTED MORE HE TURNED AWAY, BUT THIS TIME HE FUCKING GIVES MAGNUS WHAT HE’S SILENTLY ASKING FOR, HE’S CHOOSING HIM FULLY AND NOT JUST ENOUGH FOR THEM TO BE ABLE TO BE TOGETHER, HE’S CHOOSING TO GO ALL IN AND KISS MAGNUS UNTIL HE’S SATISFIED AND HOLY SHIT THE POETIC CINEMA!! THE TALENT!!! THE BRILLIANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU SHADOWHUNTERS CREW FOR PUTTING UP YOUR FIVE TOTAL BRAINCELLS TOGETHER TO MAKE THIS FANTASTIC THING HAPPEN HOLY FUCKING SHIT THIS SCENE IS EVERYTHING TO ME 

a bitch needs to lie down i think that’s all for today

next part

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #307

“you lie so much, you believe yourself”

How long has it been since you kissed someone? Like, two years or so. What level are you on Farmville? Never played it. What are you looking forward to in the next year? I hope Covid just withers away, dammit. I truly, truly hope this vaccine is effective. And that people start wearing their GODDAMN masks. Do you use a lot of emoticons? Not really nowadays. Would you ever climb a mountain? No. Even if my legs were capable of handling that, I'd be too afraid of an avalanche. Colons or equal signs for your smiley face’s eyes? Colons. When was the last time you swam in a lake? A looooong time ago. If you could have anything right now, what would you want? It'd be great to chill at Sara's house honestly, I miss that. What’s your relationship status? Single and I think finally starting to truly accept I need to be right now. I wouldn't want to date myself in my current position, so I shouldn't expect anyone else to. When was the last time someone asked you your age? On my birthday when I mentioned in group therapy that I was trying to make it an especially good day about myself. When was the last time you danced? Very, very poorly with Sara years ago lmao. Has anyone ever tried to physically fight you? Someone snatched my arm and yanked me down to look her in the eyes in HS because she was a jealous bitch back then telling lies, but idk if her intention was to actually try to start a physical fight. Are you avoiding someone? No. What’s your favorite primary color? Red. What do you have pierced? Just my ears and bottom lip now. :/ I want morrrreeee. I'm forever tilted that so many of my piercings closed when I was hospitalized. What is your favorite dog breed? I find pugs to be very cute, but I do not support their breeding whatsoever so would never buy one. Besides them, I have a definite bias towards beagles. In your honest opinion, what is the scariest sea creature you know? Fucking Christ, giant squids. Terrifying. Do you believe there is just one love for everyone, or…? No. There are way, way, WAY too many people on this planet for that. What natural disaster scares you the most? Tornados. What outrageous career could you see yourself wanting to do? Define an "outrageous" career... but I can't visualize myself doing anything very unordinary. In what way would you want to help change the world? I truly hope I can make some considerable amount of contributions to natural conservation and animal education. When driving down the road looking for an address do you turn the radio low? I don't drive, but I know I would, considering I can't concentrate on driving if the radio is on anyway. What do you think of when you look at the stars? How little I and my problems really are. It gives me perspective. If you could say ONE THING to the president, what would it be? Well, Biden just got into office, so I can't really say yet. We'll see what he does. What Disney princess are you most like? Personality wise, I mean. Uh. I'unno. Maybe Snow White because animals? haha Do you believe in astrology? Not in the slightest. Do you look into people’s eyes when you talk to them? I try to, anyway, but I tend to find it very uncomfortable, and I never know if I'm offering too little or too much. So I have trouble maintaining it, especially with people I don't know. You can have one of the following two things: trust or love. Pick one. Trust. What do you think is the most important thing in this life is? Hm, that's a deep one. Perhaps the understanding that you are just as important as the next person and that we should work as one to make this one life that we know of worthwhile. Make the world better than when you entered it. What is your favorite shade of blue? Pastel blue. I just like pastels in general. When's the last time you bought something just because? I don't buy things "just because." If I actually have money to spend, I use it with motivation behind it. What Ozzy lyric describes you best? WHOA NOW HUNNY you are asking the WRONG person because I can just about name his entire discography so there are waaaay too many song lyrics to dig through and pick one for myself. Probably something from "Dreamer," after a short moment's consideration. When was the last time you went for a walk without a specific destination in mind? Not since Sara and I walked down the path near her house. We didn't plan on when we would turn around to go back. Do you daydream? Only all the time. What was your last daydream about? Ha, thanks to that other question, visiting Sara again. It'd be nice, but yeah, financial limitations and corona. Ever won the lottery? Bitch I wish. What was the most important decision you made that screwed up your life the most? Ugh... I'd say putting all my self-worth, happiness, and source of peace into one person was pretty big but also fucking stupid. What is love really about? Don't ask a romantic this and expect a non-essay, haha. But to keep it as short as possible, it's about mutual care, the desire to grow together, trust, openness, the peace to be vulnerable with the other... It's about a lot. It's such a deep, beautiful feeling. What's the most you ever made in a year? lol Do you have an online diary? Only through surveys, really. What's the biggest pot you've won in poker? I haven't played poker since I was a kiddo, so idr. What Metallica lyric most describes your life? Who wrote this and knows my favorite bands????? Like damn. There's a good handful of the sadder songs I relate to; I did some brief digging through ones I know I relate to, and perhaps the one I feel closest is within "The Unforgiven II": "The door is locked now, but it's open if you're true. If you can understand the me, then I can understand the you." Aaaand now I'm gonna go binge Metallica 'cuz it's been too long, thanks. How many concerts have you been to? Just one. :/ Which one was your favorite? I've only seen Alice Cooper, and it was great. What's the most illegal thing you've done? Pirated stuff, oops. Ever get busted by the cops? What for? No. How many pairs of rollerblades do/did you own? I doubt I have any anymore. Ever wear out a CD? What was it? Ahaha... There is some scratching on my mom's copy of Ozzmosis thanks to me playing it so much on my old CD player. Ever have a tornado in your town? Well my city is pretty damn big, so yes, in some spots. I don't think my immediate proximity has ever seen one, though. If you HAD to pick ONE song to listen to for the rest of your life, and that would be the only song you ever heard, what would it be? I would absolutely need something motivating if that was the case, so most likely "Life Won't Wait" by Ozzy Osbourne. That song touches me so deeply and gives me the courage to do what I can to tackle life and try not to waste it. I know, I'm doing a great job at that. Ever heard of Shinedown? Hell yeah; I was actually listening to them in the car earlier. What does your lawn furniture consist of? We have nothing out there. Ever live off of canned soup and ramen noodles for weeks at a time? Er, no. But when I got my tongue pierced, I had to survive off of popsicles and... I somehow forgot the main thing I ate???? How?????? But anyway it was something that didn't involve much or any chewing, either. I actually lost a little bit of weight in that week or so because eating solids was impossible, and I didn't enjoy "eating" liquids either. That piercing (snake eyes, btw) was soooo so cute tho. I really wish it hadn't started to damage my teeth, or else I'd still have it. What musical group/artist do you love, but hide from other people? I used to be kinda embarrassed by artists like Melanie Martinez when you compare her music to my adoration of metal, but at my age now, I don't give a damn. I like what I like and won't hide it. What is the first meal you remember eating? ... Does anyone actually remember this??? What's in your keepsake box/scrapbook? Good God, a lot. I haven't looked in it in a very, very long time though. It brings a usually painful nostalgia. What did you score on your SATs? I don't even remember if I took them. I THINK I took the ACT instead? I don't even know the difference. When was the last time you saw a rainbow? Hm. Been a while. It's not like I'm out of the house a lot, especially nowadays with quarantine. What colors is your lava lamp? I wish I had a lava lamp, they're rad and really relaxing. What's the strangest thing you've ever hung on the wall? Nothing, really. Can you name every place you've ever had sex? I mean I can but I'm not going to. What's the most important thing you ever lost and never found again? My favorite childhood cat Charcoal. He was an outdoor and intact male, so it was very normal for him to eventually vanish to rove. Please keep your cats indoors. What forms of birth control have you used? The pill and, uh, having "barriers." How many webpages have you created, and can you still find them all? I made Wetpaint sites for my two RP mobs back in the day, but the site has since been completely revised, so no, they don't exist anymore. I checked outta curiosity I think last year. How many people are in your family portrait? We don't even have a proper family portrait. Ever punched a wall? No. When's the last time you really lost your temper? In some argument with Mom I don't remember. Ever thought you (or a girlfriend) were pregnant, but it was a false alarm? I had massive anxiety over it once, but it was irrational and even I knew that. Not that anxiety cares. If 97 is yes, were you glad or sad? I was very glad when my period came lmao. What was the last conversation you had with someone before they died? When I saw my grandma for the last time, I just let her know that I loved her and that she was so, so strong, and she was. No one could believe how long she warded death off when she finally stopped chemo. What do your drinking glasses look like? We have some more unique cups and mugs, but the majority of them are just plain, slightly angular glasses, some short, some tall. How many bottles/containers are in your medicine cabinet? Oh wow, a lot. We're covered for most potential problems. How many funerals have you been to? Uhhh I think one. Maybe even none, just wakes. What was the last bug you killed and what did you use? An ant, I think? I just used my fingers. How many computers in your household? There are three laptops, but no desktop computers. Ever help to solve a crime? There was one occasion years ago when our neighbor's window was busted overnight and cops came to us to ask for any evidence we might have had, but we didn't have any. Idk what came of it. Ever get pulled over by the cops and get away without a ticket? I've never been pulled over. What was your first legal alcoholic drink? I think it was a margarita, but possibly a daquiri. Ever get published by one of those poetry groups? I fucking wish. I've tried, but to no avail. What's the furthest distance you've moved? Not very far at all. Just to the neighboring town. How many friends from high school/college do you still talk to? Only a few now and then. Girt is the only one I have real conversations with, though. What's the most expensive things your parents ever bought you? Probably the laptop I have right now, but idk. I've never asked how much things they've bought me cost, it seems rude somehow. What's the most expensive thing you've bought? The upcoming revamp of my tattoo. Deposit was $100, and then it's probably going to be another $300-400. I can't afford it all myself; as my birthday gift, Mom is helping me pay for it, but I've got most of it covered thanks to Christmas and birthday money. How many times did you intentionally start to commit suicide? Start to do it? Well, I was trying to run for sharp objects to do it twice, but on each occasion, someone held me back 'cuz they knew I was about to do something rash, so I didn't get very far, thankfully. The only time I fully went through with an attempt was my OD. Ever spent the night in the "loony bin?" How fucking disrespectful to call it that, but whatever. If you put all the instances together, I've been in psych hospitals for around a couple months, maybe more. What is your favorite cover song? Disturbed's cover of "Sound of Silence" is absolutely unbeatable. I'd just about call it a cold hard fact. What's your inspiration? Other's success stories, music, art in general, etc. What's the longest relationship you've been in? Over 3 1/2 years. Did you ever drop out of school? I dropped out of college three times, yikes. Three times is enough; even if I think I want to, I'm never going back. That is just way too much money to keep throwing down the drain, and there's clearly a pattern. Ever raise a child that wasn't your own for more than 3 months? I've never raised a kid period. Strangest medical procedure ever performed on you? Look up what a pilonidal cyst is and know I had one surgically removed. Pretty strange and uncomf. Song that has changed your attitude recently? None, really. What's something that you say a lot to be mean? ... Why would I try to be mean??? Who told you they loved you last? Me mum. Ever had a pet frog? Not technically, no, but as kids, my sister, neighbor, and I saved hundreds, maybe thousands of tadpole eggs from a ditch that was inevitably going to dry out. We transferred them all to a kiddie pool and let them grow naturally, hopping out and into the world whenever they were ready. I wouldn't call them "pets." Your worst enemy? IT'S NO SURPRIIIISE TO MEEEE I AAAAMMM MY OWN WORST ENEMYYYYY Do you believe in karma? No, but I wish it was a thing. What was the last hurtful thing you said to someone? I'm not sure. I certainly try to avoid doing so. Do you love someone enough you'd die for them? There's multiple people. The last song you listened to? I wasn't joking when I said I was gonna go on a Metallica spree, haha. "Of Wolf and Man" is on rn. Your most favorite memory as a kid? Too many, man. If you had the choice to work or not, would you work? Yes. I need something to do that benefits others in one way or another. Ever TRULY wanted to kill someone? I can't say for sure, if I'm being totally transparent. When I found out about Jason's gf after me, I can say with certainty I wanted her dead beyond dead, but I don't know if I wanted to kill her, per se. Just to clarify, no, I don't wish any negativity upon her now. I was certifiably insane before and certainly don't think I am anymore, so... Marvel or DC? I don't care. Do you watch anime subbed or dubbed? Both. I prefer dubbed, BUT only if the voice acting isn't insufferable. I like dubbed just because for me, it's very distracting to have to keep looking down at subtitles. How often do you exercise? I don't... I'm still waiting for Mom to move into her actual room versus the living room couch so I can do WiiFit with some privacy. I'm too uncomfortable to exercise in front of anyone. What is your favorite book series? Warriors will forever have a very special place in my heart. What is your favorite OTP? I will probably ship Rhett and Link for my entire life. Their friendship is truly incredible and so so SOOOOOOO cute. Who is your favorite Harry Potter character? I've never seen the series, actually.

[spacefaegoddess]

The Lightning Thief - Cut Tracks

Listen up.

Camp Half Blood

- okay let me preface this by saying that for some reason this song won’t download so I’m going off the itunes preview

- but wow this song screams Camp Half Blood

- starts with something about how you know you’re at camp if there’s fire or a flood like big mood guys

- “Camp Half-Blood, where only half of us survive! Camp Half-Blood, be glad you’re still alive!” GUYS THIS IS TOO REAL

- it reminds me of that one post comparing CHB and CJ like “yeah you can go to college and live in New Rome at Camp Jupiter so its pretty nice” “WELCOME TO CAMP HALF BLOOD, YOULL DIE WITHIN THE MONTH”

- “this is why no one watches the orientation film” Mr. D never change please, also if that’s a new kid’s orientation to CHB then maybe Mr. D is saving them from intense trauma

Pick a Side 

- I think there was a video of this somewhere, maybe from that live concert where they performed all the song from the show, but man I’m so happy they put this into a final form

- Luke: “we don’t know who stole the bolt” oh sweet baby liar

- Clarisse being ready to fight everyone is fantastic

- “Percy couldn’t find his way out of a paper bag” man I love it when they put book references in there, and even though I’m pretty sure Reyna says it I still love that it’s Clarisse’s line

-”Can’t we just pick flowers and make friendship bracelets” oh Silena no

- Silena: “My mom doesn’t believe in war” Clarisse: “oh yeah? then why does she keep texting my dad?” Luke: “WHOA” this is the content I signed up for

- Luke saying that he hopes Percy completes his quest so that the demigods don’t have to fight a war like.... idk how to feel about this. Is he lying? Does he actually hope that his friends won’t have to fight? Man

- Also Luke telling Silena that they don’t have to fight the gods’ battles like that’s Luke’s entire motivation in one line

- Clarisse and Silena belting “we gotta know just where your loyalties lie” while Luke sings “we don’t have to choose”. I know that the girls are singing it at each other but the fact that Luke is between them and he’s the one who isn’t loyal to the gods or to camp is magnificent. And again Luke saying they don’t have to choose the gods because he’s already chosen against them

- “prissy Percy’s gonna lost his Poseidon adventure!” CLARISSE GIRL

- “well whoever says love is worthless, I’ll pulverize them!” wow Clarisse is already rubbing off on Silena

-I want to know what Luke sings after “It’s their fight” while Clarisse and Silena sing “We’ll make our parents proud, make our voices loud” cause this is a really great moment for Luke’s motives to shine through

- Luke silently singing “I would never help my father” in the background

- All three singing “We’ve got a choice to make, can’t run and hide - you better pick a side” at the same time yet it means something different for all of them. Also it’s Luke finally choosing his side cause I think that’s the first time he sings “pick a side” in the song

- And that harmony at the end? DAM

Try

- okay so like way before the musical was even a thing, there was a video of this song being sung by three people who aren’t in the show, but god it was heartrenching. It’s a little different from the finished product but like Pick a Side, I’m so glad they included this song because it’s so powerful

- the song beginning and ending the same way UGH I LOVE CALLBACKS

- Percy and Annabeth both singing “I already know it, I’ll probably blow it, but I’m going there anyway” THESE KIDS ARE SO STRONG

- this song is so great because as a whole, the musical is kinda upbeat and generally happy except for like Tree on the Hill and kinda Good Kid, but this one shows the main three’s insecurities about the whole adventure. It throws your mind in a whole different direction

- “I may fail you, but it doesn’t mean that I won’t try” I mean come on

- They’re kids. They’re lost and scared and don’t really know what they’re doing, yet they keep pressing on because of each other. They feel like they will fail, but they can all look each other in the eye and say “you know what? at least we have each other and that’s worth it enough for me”

- that small part in the beginning with Percy and Annabeth singing together makes me want a Percabeth duet so bad

- Grover singing “wash my hands of past mistakes” this boy just wants to prove himself so much and Tree on the Hill give me so many feels and just UGH GROVER I LOVE YOU

- Annabeth going from “prove to the gods that I belong” to “I won’t be rejected” is freaking GROWTH

- “He must be protected” GROVER PLEASE

- That three part harmony tho

- “Fight til we’re all in the clear, look my fear in the eye!” do I need to repeat that these kids are so amazingly strong? Because they are

- “The weight of the world’s on my shoulders, like Atlas it’s crushing me down” sick Greek mythology reference bro

- Also during that live concert video I mentioned earlier, they play a cut Annabeth song (which is sadly not here) but it had the Atlas motif too and ugh it gives me all the feels

- okay so the line “we’re not brave, we’re not strong, we’re not soldiers” is a whole thing in itself but it goes so well with the next line

- I wish they had kept the next line the same as the original because it was “but my heart is a drum, and damn does it pound” but now its “my heart’s just a drum and damn does it pound”. I feel like the first one just has something more. Like I might not be brave or strong but I have the heart to get through this

- also in that original video, after the previous thing, Percy sings “I may fail you, I may fail you. If I fail, this will be our last goodbye.” WHY DIDNT THEY KEEP THAT

- “I’m not leaving your side til we find what matters” Annabeth MY GIRL

- “I’m not leaving your side til we’re back home” GROVER

- “I’m not leaving your side til you’re remembered” PERCABETH SHIPPERS HOW WE FEELING TONIGHT

- This trio man. Nothing will ever compare to them

- The fact that the lyrics change from “I may fail you” to “I can’t fail you”

- That last line where they all sing part of the number because they’re in this together now and you literally cannot separate them

- this song is the best and you can fight me on that

In the Same Boat

- or as I like to call it “Grover deals with Percabeth fighting like second graders for five minutes and forty nine seconds”

- this entire song is just a roast fest and Grover suffering

- “wow maybe your mom should’ve totally chilled instead of making monsters that get us all killed” Percy you savage

- Grover’s happy little “ask meeee” he’s so cute

- “I’d like to wrap my hands around that half-blood’s throat” wow guys

- “I don’t need to heed a talking goat” WOW GUYS

- Grover’s goat noises throughout the song

- “why run from monsters when we can rideeee” Grover baby I love you

- the lyrics change depending on what vehicle they’re in

- “with Anna-BLEH” “and Seaweed Brain” guys just kiss already

- Annabeth insulting Percy about his Rocky Mountains comment and Grover just going “wow that is soooo beautiful” 

- this song is just the original “Drive” and I’m not complaining

- Percy and Grover both yelling “SWEET” while Annabeth suffers

- Percy telling Annabeth she can hike instead of ride the motorcycle

- Percy’s sass when he says “oh, I’m sure that’s irrelevant” gods Chris McCarrell is the Percy we always wanted

- “Athena give me strength so I don’t kill him” Annabeth honey, if anything your mom is gonna strike him down for you

- ANNABETH HAVING HER OWN “DREAM”

- “it’s messed up, but he’s kinda cute” Annabeth you have no idea how relatable you truly are

- “And my head is always stronger than my heart” awwwwwww

- “If only he would say something that was remotely smart” when I tell you I cackled for like five mintues its the truth

- Followed immediately by Percy saying “I got it! The map was upside down” and Annabeth just screaming IS A WHOLE BIG MOOD

- When did Charon turn from a disco diva into a 60 year old smoker

- Annabeth calling Percy sexist like yeah girl call him out

- “They’ll kill each other, or they’ll kiss” likely both, Grover

- “If we’re lucky they’ll end up in an abyss” GROVER NO

- that Mark of Athena reference caught me so off guard, my jaw hit the floor

- Grover happily singing over a Percabeth shouting match

- also I wish I could clearly hear what those two are saying

- idk what’s so funny about Percy saying “perspective” in a awe-filled voice but it killed me

- Grover yelling at them to sing the song because reconciliation

- uhhh Jorrel’s voice??? he makes such a great Grover let me tell you

The Wittlest Minotaur

- this was also in that concert they did

- Kristin Stokes is a gift to this world, that is all

[gevejsbvdj]

Pt. 2

the continuation of what inspired my leave beneath the cut

I have a friend, who I got along with really well because we are both Afro Latinas (only she can speak Spanish. I don’t, not really) and we are black kids who had an interest in unconventional topics. I messaged her before disappearing about the ending of the server. I was keeping her updated all throughout, but after telling her the ending, I left her on read

I won’t disclose what I got up to during my absence. But again, don’t think that I had a breakdown because of the server ONLY. It was the final straw. I had so much going on in my life and I couldn’t take it anymore. 

Anyways, she took it upon herself to send hateful messages to Ley’s account and thought it was something to be proud of and told me. I...wasn’t impressed. But I still didn’t respond to our chats. Then she (her name is Rex. I’m gonna call her that) dmed Ley and was actually pretty aggressive towards her in an attempt to get answers. Again, not impressed but it was enough for me to actually come online. I feel like that’s why she acted out, to get me online. I don’t think she cared about me and used my pain to hurt others.

I had extremely brief, passing conversations with people who weren’t involved with the situation at all right before I messaged Rex. 

Ley was special to me before her message. I was always very defensive and protective of her like I was everyone else, but her especially because I thought she was nice. And I remembered when people were being mean to me, she reached out. And I still appreciate her for doing that. 

Which was why it was so confusing when Rex told me that they were all mad at me because I ACCUSED JOANE OF GROOMING PEOPLE. They wanted a reason to make me the villain so badly that they made shit up.

Notice how here, she says that I called Joane a FUCKING PEDO. Not even just a groomer but an outright PEDOPHILE. 

I’ve been raped. I’ve been sexually assaulted, groomed, all of that. I don’t say shit. I never say anything. I’ve even been accused- yes, ACTUALLY ACCUSED unlike Joane- to being a paedophile. I’m 19. Not even just that but I’m freshly 19. I got accused when I was 17. But I would never just- ughhhh moving on I don’t wanna get into it. 

When Rex asked for proof, this is way Ley sent her:

In this screenshot, I’m literally discussing how Joane’s childish behaviour could get her killed. I was concerned. Again, where’s the bullying?

Rex told me that Ley said she was wrong for not having proof, and I understand. Ley wasn’t present when it all went down

But really Ley? 

I heard a quote from someone that said something like “if someone believed a lie about you without checking up on you first to see if there was proof, then they were already looking for something to destroy you with to begin with” or SOMETHING like that. So I thought back to that quote and felt awful. I always suspected that they didn’t really like me, but always marked it up to my depression talking nonsense. But after all of this...maybe it was true. Why did I come out the most damage? Why were they making up lies about me? Me, out of all of them. Why was I consistently being seen as the bad guy overall? No really tell me. 

Anyways, this was Ley’s justification to believe that I would say such an awful thing:

Okay. Let’s just say that- Joane WAS a groomer. That she actually is a paedophile and I commented on it. She’s obviously not but I’m pulling a Ben Shapiro here. Everything else is the same only Joane is a paedophile. 

That motherfucking “it’s weird that he only spoke up when they were arguing” argument, and other arguments like that are so fucking toxic. As well as “well it wasn’t a problem that never came up before” so??? That’s what the fucking #metoo movement was all about. Timing means NOTHING when it comes to that. It doesn’t matter if it’s Joane or fucking Bill Cosby. The fact that thought came to Ley’s head is so fucking upsetting and DISGUSTING.THAT mentality is why people never want to believe victims of assault. Same goes for “they could have said that privately” guys she’s talking about that user who said they were uncomfortable with Joane coming onto him. Privately? It was private to him. In that server, we’ve made it known that it’s a very homey and comfortable environment. And who the fuck are you to tell someone where and when they can speak up about something like that???

Also, she accused me of calling her a pedo again. Good for me right? I’m a bully and I’m someone who just blindly calls people paedophiles. Good for me, damn. 

No, you shouldn’t believe someone right away when they call someone a groomer. God don’t I know that. But you definitely don’t say THAT what the fucking fuck. 

Jesus. Okay, moving on. 

Rex aggressively messaged Mel who had something similar to say:

uggh, you WERE the toxic environment i wanted to flee from,.

It hurts. It hurts a lot to see another friend you looked up to call you a bully. And that they just say that you called someone a groomer when you didn’t. 

Mel couldn’t provide proof either. 

Mel also tagged her post with someone kinda ignorant. 

Imagine if (thinking of someone I and others don’t always agree with) someone like James Charles made a post broadcasting all the homophobia he dealt with during his career, and I or some other asshole said something “while I don’t always agree with James…” like now isn’t the time. Now isn’t the time to let people you know you disagree with me ESPECIALLY on a post where you agree with me 100%??? What is the point then? You agreed with me, so agree with me. There. No one is saying that you have to agree with everything I say lord fucking knows I don’t always agree with you guys. fucking DUH. It makes me think you just wanted to put that in to lesson me and my words, even only slightly. Why? That hurts a lot, Mel. It really fucking does bruh.

When Rex called her out on it, she deleted the reblog. Not just the meagre little tag but the whole post. If she couldn’t be slick with me, then she wasn’t going to support me at all. It isn’t worth it if she can’t be shady. That’s the message I got from that. Tells me a lot. 

I am not friends with Rex anymore. She’s always been really aggressive and drama craving and I can’t take it. It’s impacting me negatively as well. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t somewhat happy with the screenshots she gave me. Told me a lot about these people I was still willing to talk to. 

Now? I won’t even waste their time.

After all of that. I made the post. The big announcement post. It was too much. I can’t escape the racism in my hometown or in the country in general, but I can leave and distance myself from the fandom. 

I was talking to someone today, and she, as a white woman, admitted that white people act so shitty when it’s implied that they’re racist. Which is so true. 

As I said, people make mistakes. No white person EVER is 0% racist or biased. I’m sorry but it’s not true unless you’re a baby or something. Same goes for other races, but mainly white people who have always had the upper hand, the privilege, the money, the chances, the power, all of that. 

Listen to me. 

When a person of color tells you that you are being microaggressive, biased, ignorant, or prejudice, or straight up RACIST, YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM. Why do you guys get so AGGRESSIVE AND MAD?? That is so fucking WEIRD. 

And yes. I’m talking to you Vulture. 

I really had no ill feelings towards you prior to your comments.

Or your posts. 

peep that clumsily used aave. never fucking talked like that to anyone but me. either way, you sound dumb.

Why?

Why so...mad?

You felt guilty? Why did you feel guilty? 

...I’m gonna let you answer that. 

Moving on. I know that not everything has to be about race. I hate making things about my race. I do, even when I should! But you can be racist unintentionally. Does that mean you’re racist? No! I have yet to receive a genuine apology from any of you, meanwhile, I’ve been over here grovelling and hoping that you like me again. God. Why is it so hard for you to apologize and move on??

No, in that same fucking server, someone sent a racist meme after joking about slavery all day:

And yes, the people in the chat at the time laughed at it... 

I told them that WASNT funny and they freaked out all “WHY CANT I TALK TO PEOPLE IM SO FUCKING STUPID I SUCK” like oh...my god. You guys make it so awkward being black oh my GOD. I- like it makes me never want to say ANYTHING but I know I have to but god what the hell guys???

I wouldn’t really think that the members of the server chat were racially biased if they just accepted the fact that they were micro aggressive and didn’t flip out about it. Not really, at least. That reaction is so- well it’s sus as fuck. People who aren’t prejudiced will apologize, correct themselves and move on. Not dismiss me constantly and DEFINITELY not freak the fuck out. 

I also wouldn’t assume they were racially biased if this SAME EXACT SITUATION DIDNT HAPPEN TO ME BEFORE. 

Yep! On the Beatles Amino, I was called a bully and was reported by the LEADERS. Why? Because I told a curator she was inconsistent with her rules… that’s it. And that was back when I was sugary sweet all the time and was deemed to be a cinnamon roll. Nah. They knew I was black and I got told that people were scared of me and that I was bullying people. Yeah okay. Messaging ONE curator about her rules is the same thing as bullying people. Chile I can’t. And it only happens in the Beatles fandom. But no when someone calls John Lennon a racist it’s all “Zach! Zach! Tell them they’re wrong.” Ugh...

So that’s that on that. I have nothing else to say. Don’t message me about this post if you didn’t read all of this. I’m an idiot and I’m honestly still willing you hear you all out but don’t expect me to ever want to have anything to do with you. Out of the what- 50 people from that server, only two stood up for me? And two separate people APOLOGIZED TO ME. AND THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. That’s a shame. Thank you Johnny, Lenny, Laurie, and Remy. All of your names rhyme and you didn’t make me feel like I was CRAZY, unlike those I mentioned. There’s so much shit going on in the world rn, especially to do with racism. I know that you guys know. But some posts really....really tried me. oh well. I’m black. I like The Beatles. And I’m a victim of microaggressions, false accusations, gas lighting. I’m also out. bye.

black lives matter resources

[hellyeahomeland]

“In Full Flight”: an HYH recap

The most delightful Homeland episode since “Two Minutes” picks up with Mike, Jenna (in a chambray shirt), and Alan in Kabul station, observing drone footage of Carrie, Yevgeny, and crew. Jenna deduces that they’re probably going to Kohat, and she is correct for the first time all season.

Mike asks about an exfiltration team from Islamabad but they won’t be there until later tonight. Saul interrupts their pow-wow to ask what’s going on:

Saul: What is this about grabbing Carrie Mathison? Mike: Oh, hello, sir. Let’s go into my office. Saul: Fuck your office and fuck you, too. What are y’all talking about? Mike: No problem, sir. A special ops team is planning to grab Carrie. You know, because she’s a defector. Saul: FOR FUCK’S SAKE SHE IS NOT A DEFECTOR. Actually she’d be right here telling you that herself if you hadn’t cornered her like an animal three hours ago without telling me. Mike: Actually actually she was supposed to be back in America like a week ago but then she broke custody and started her adventure with a GRU officer. Now they’re out there doing God knows what. Sir.  Saul: I’ll tell you what they’re doing. They’re finding the flight recorder. Mike: What’s a flight recorder? Saul: I can’t believe I’m still having this conversation with you. Do any of y’all have brains or critical thinking skills? Mike: By the way, sir, you’ve been called back to DC. Saul: Fuck my whole life. Fuck all of you too.

Carrie and Yevgeny are very much on their way to Kohat. It’s been just a few hours since Carrie turned her back on Saul and her loaded expression as she stares out the window is very much “questioning all my past life decisions.” That could take a while, Carrie!

Carrie and Yevgeny arrive in Kohat and begin driving under a series of … I have no idea what they are, basically overhangs in the street so you can’t tell where their car is. It’s very “From A to B and Back Again” when Quinn lost Haqqani in the classic baseball stadium game “Which hat is the ball under?” trick. The team in Kabul is annoyed and prepares for a grid search.

Carrie & Co. are checking into a hotel for the night. Yevgeny makes a very obvious performance of leading Carrie to her room and what ensues is the most sexually tense scene on this show… ever. First he offers her some Ambien and Carrie cracks a joke for the first time in eight years and says she could open up a pharmacy of her own.

She apologizes for not telling him about the flight recorder sooner. At first it was all personal, she needed to find Max, she couldn’t focus on anything else. Yevgeny asks what she thinks actually happened to the presidents’ helicopter, since she certainly doesn’t believe Jalal was involved. She thinks it was probably just a freak accident: pilot error, mechanical failures, shitty weather, any or all of the above. Then she reveals that detail from the fifth episode, that the Black Hawk fleet has had a series of mechanical issues. Oh, I should add that this conversation all takes place in the doorway of Carrie’s hotel room and every fifteen seconds or so Carrie and/or Yevgeny glance back toward the bed. You can cut the sexual tension with a knife.

Yevgeny asks if there are any more secrets she’s been keeping from him. She smiles, pauses… it’s the most interesting moment. Then she says very quietly, “I think I’m fresh out of secrets.” They stare at each other for a long time, Yevgeny probably wondering if Carrie is going to invite him in and Carrie probably wondering if Yevgeny can take a fucking hint. Finally, I exhale, and Yevgeny says to just “bang on the wall” if Carrie needs anything, which at least elicits a laugh.

Elsewhere in Pakistan, a Pakistani military officer named Aziz has come to see Bunny to ask just where the fuck Tasneem is. Aziz is pissed because Tasneem was supposed to control the Taliban—first Haissam, then Jalal—and her “incompetence” has led to the Americans threatening to invade. Bunny is the opposite of worried. The Americans are all talk, no bite. They won’t actually invade Pakistan for failing to produce a man they claim they can’t find. I guess he hasn’t met John Zabel. Anyway, he says Tasneem is off to find Jalal somewhere in the mountains.

Instead, she actually meets (Haissam) Haqqani’s right-hand. She is beyond pissed that he just let Jalal control the shura last week. This is all so fucked. He doesn’t have much of a response, beyond, “well, he was the emir’s son, so I guess so?” He offers to take Tasneem to Jalal but only if she puts a hood over her head and lemme tell ya, Tasneem is none too pleased about that either!

It’s the next morning in Kohat and Carrie and Yevgeny really are going shopping, just like the logline said. They’re winding their way through the bazaars on the street but still no luck finding this flight recorder. Enter A Kid. He’s all “pardon me, excuse me,” and Yevgeny puts on his best Dad Hat and tells him to get lost. It’s very touching. Then he says he knows what they’re looking for, which is enough to get their attention.

He takes them to a shop where Mr. Shop Owner #1 is like, “Hi, do you like flight recorders? Because I’ve got lots!” Unfortunately he doesn’t have the one they’re looking for and he also seems pretty skittish because a) what the hell are a Russian and an American doing together? and b) is this official government business or something private or, like… just generally what the hell?

Saul has arrived back to DC and meets Hayes in the Oval Office with our favorite Odd Couple, Linus and Zabel (this should really be the name of a sitcom). Saul passively aggressively says he knows of Zabel “by reputation.” Aside from that jab, the meeting unfortunately goes from meh to ugh to wtf for Saul. He has to play bad cop and tell Hayes that the video of Jalal is unvetted intelligence, completely lacking in context, and probably just a straight-up lie. Hayes has the expression of someone who’s never followed Thought A to Thought B—which is true, obviously—and Zabel has to jump in to say of course POTUS has already done the Thought A to Thought B exercise, he just arrived at a different conclusion. You know, mine! The best part of all THIS is that as Saul grows increasingly incredulous at the conversation, Linus sits there, silently, looking like he’d like to be swallowed up by an alligator. Afterward:

Saul: Wow a bit of warning would have been helpful. Or maybe just an assist there, Linus. Linus: I didn’t even know you were coming back. I’m outside the ~information flow~ Saul: God, we’re so fucked. Linus: I wish I’d get swallowed by an alligator.

Back in Kohat, Carrie has entered another shop, this time sans Yevgeny. This one proves a bit more fruitful. She actually finds Max’s rucksack, which means that flight recorder had to have been here recently. Mr. Shop Owner #2 feigns ignorance, but Carrie is relentless.

Yevgeny enters all of a sudden to let her know that that special ops team from Islamabad is here, so they need to get out of there, pronto. He leaves quickly to lose the tail and instructs her to go back to the hotel and wait. His absence gives her the perfect opportunity to keep grilling Mr. Shop Owner #2, whom I actually love and seems really sweet. Poor guy is just no match for Carrie. He finally reveals the flight recorder was there but he sold it to a broker he works with. Carrie offers him a lot of money to find the broker and get the flight recorder back there for a trade at midnight.

Tasneem gets the black hood off her head in exchange for an audience with Jalal, but homie remains pissed. Jalal is sort of confused at her reaction. A few episodes ago she was plotting to put Jalal in the place he’s currently in. What changed? Well, for starters, now the Americans are threatening to invade Pakistan. She says he’s got to go to ground, but he refuses to run.

Jalal: Who do you think I am? Tasneem: You’re the loser whom I picked up on the side of the road. I bandaged your feet and listened to you crying about your daddy issues for hours. Jalal: You think that you control us. Actually it’s the other way around.

He leads her up to a rooftop where hundreds of Taliban fighters have gathered. He says the last time the ISI got in the way, they killed a thousand of their officers on the street. And now they’re twice as strong, so you do the math. Tasneem has a general “oh fuck” expression on her face and… same.

In Kohat, Yevgeny finally shows back up in Carrie’s hotel room. He reveals that eight men are hunting her and they need to leave, now. She says they can’t, as they haven’t found the flight recorder yet. Of course we know Carrie has found it—and in hindsight, at this point Yevgeny probably does as well—but she needs to stick around a few more hours to make the trade. For a split second you think maybe Carrie is going to preoccupy Yevgeny for a few hours in her bedroom but instead she calls Jenna.

Carrie: Hey, how’s it going? Jenna: OH MY GOD I STILL HATE YOU. Carrie: Chill for a second. Also I know you’re walking toward Mike and do yourself a favor and pause and just listen to me. Jenna: Ugh, fine, I’m listening. Carrie: I need you to give up the location of the exfil team that’s looking for me. Jenna: Are you high? Carrie: I am not, but you are if you think this will end up any other way than me convincing you. Jenna: You’re putting me in an impossible position. Carrie: You must do this. I compel you. Jenna: If I give up their location, you’ll turn yourself in there? Carrie: “Sure.” Jenna: Ok I’ll call you back.

This entire conversation transpires with Yevgeny sitting on the sofa in Carrie’s hotel room, legs crossed. It’s… I’ll be honest, it’s hot. When Carrie hangs up he applauds her performance and says she was clever and convincing. That’s right, Carrie played Jenna… again. Again! Again again again!

Carrie is kinda down on selling out her own people but Yevgeny says she did it for all the right reasons and in any case, the local police will only hold them for a day (uhhhh yeah right). He starts to compliment her strong instincts. He really respects her for that.

“Why, how do you do it?” Carrie asks.

“Me? I am more of a planner,” Yevgeny answers.

The alarm bells start ringing in her head and Carrie asks him all speaking of which whether he arranged for them to “run into each other” outside G’ulom’s office way back in the season premiere (show time: 10 days???). Before he can answer, Jenna rings back and tells Carrie the safe house location. Carrie says “you did the right thing” and the amount of self-disgust in her expression for this just being too fucking easy is … significant.

A few minutes later, Mike is on the phone with one of the special ops team members in the Kohat safe house. Local police have surrounded the building. Exasperated, Mike tells them to stand down. One by one, they file out and are led into custody. Jenna watches in horror and the amount of self-disgust in her expression for this just being her life is… also significant.

In Rawalpindi, Tasneem is at Bunny’s house and freaking out. Jalal has consolidated power extremely quickly. She’s concerned, but Bunny says they just need to take him out, root and branch. Bunny is offended by the prospect of being ordered around by a smarmy teenager but Tasneem thinks they need to protect him. If Pakistan protects Jalal, they’ll protect themselves too. And they need to respond to the Americans not with concessions but with threats just as strong. Remember when they were three minutes away from a generation-defining peace agreement?

Back in her hotel room, Carrie is growing restless. She decides to get some fresh air and by that I mean she jumps out the window to get the show on the fucking road. On the way she calls Saul, to whom she is apparently still speaking. She asks if their protocols for transferring money over the dark web are still a go and he says yes. She says she’s got a lead on the black box and he promises to arrange the funds ASAP.  

Carrie winds up back at Mr. Shop Owner #2’s shop. Mr. Shop Owner #1 is there, too! Plus the broker. They do a little thing, Carrie says she won’t pay any more than $999,999, she is very In Charge and it’s pretty great to see. Not that we needed any more convincing, but the kind of instincts and improvisation Yevgeny admired just a few hours earlier are on full display here. She knows exactly what to say, when to say it, and how to say it. It’s breathtaking.

What’s also breathtaking is Carrie doing something correctly with a computer. Apparently the black box just hooks up to her Macbook with a USB-C cord… whoulda thunk?! After pulling a gun on Mr. Broker and telling him to beat it, she starts listening to the cockpit recording.

Then Yevgeny arrives! She starts to apologize but he stops her—he just wants to listen. They each share an earbud like goddamn Jim and Pam and continue listening. Turns out, Carrie was right. No one shot down that helicopter. A freak mechanical malfunction, “brace for impact,” etc. “Fucking helicopters,” Yevgeny says.

Carrie attempts a segue and says, “So… what now?” She wants to get this to the embassy in Islamabad. He wants to do the opposite of that. Then Carrie starts on him. Maybe he’s not such a bad guy after all. Maybe he’s actually… good.

Carrie: Plus, I’d owe you a favor. Yevgeny: Carrie, if I drop you off at the embassy I’ll literally never see you again. Carrie: Not true. I won’t betray my country, but I’d still move to Scottsdale with you. Yevgeny: I still don’t believe you. Carrie: Why not? You’ve already helped me a ton, and it’s cost you nothing! There has to be a way where we can make a “mutually beneficial arrangement.” Yevgeny: Is that what they’re calling it these days? Carrie: What? Yevgeny: What? Carrie: …anyhow, aren’t you sick of all this bullshit? Shitty bosses, shitty politicians, clearly the current way of business isn’t working for us. We could do better. You and me. We could chart something new here. You and me. God, we’re already halfway there! Yevgeny: Our own private network, huh? That would be nice, but it’s a pipe dream. Also, I like what you’re saying, but you still lied to me. Carrie: Technically, I just withheld the truth. Which is exactly what you did to me. Yevgeny: Heh? Carrie: The asylum, Yevgeny. What actually happened? We just took long walks in the woods and shared our life stories and you just happened to be the there the day I tried to hang myself? Give me a fucking break.

She moves closer and mentions the whole “picking up where we left off” thing. Well, will he or won’t he? Because she’s already decided.

There is a long pause and then they start making out. It’s exactly what you’d expect it would be, by which I mean it’s really hot! The scene is fraught with the unknown. How much are they playing each other? How much are they being genuine? Like Carrie says, they’re living in the grey areas. And who’s the first to blink?

Evidently it’s Carrie. After a few moments she breaks away and says they need to wait until after Islamabad. “Ok,” he says quietly. She tries to kiss him again, but he pulls ever so slightly away.

She hops off the table and begins to pack up the flight recorder. At that moment, he stabs her in the neck from behind with a tranquilizer. “Sorry, baby,” he says as she falls unconscious.

In DC, Saul is waiting anxiously by the phone. It rings. It’s not Carrie, but Linus. Everyone’s in the situation room, there’s some sort of activity in one of Pakistan’s nuclear facilities. Saul’s day goes from bad to worse.

In the situation room, resident hottie Scott Ryan is giving a PowerPoint presentation about said activity. Hayes is trying to understand literally anything that’s happening. Zabel explains that Pakistan only has the nukes in the first place to defend against a possible invasion from India. They’ll never actually use them. Saul growls that that’s because India isn’t fucking stupid enough to invade Pakistan. Hayes is beginning to understand the whole concept of “consequences” but before his mind can dwell on that for too long, he decides to just up the ante. More troops, more preparations for war, more of the same.

Saul’s day is not possibly as bad as Carrie’s has wound up. Yevgeny carries her, still unconscious, back into the hotel room. He places her gingerly on the bed and then kisses her forehead. He shuts off the lights as the camera moves in slowly on her her peacefully sleeping face.