#ultimately not really wanting the child

[freuleinanna]

For goodness' sake, she is barely twenty-three, she has no more comprehension of being a mother than of being a panserbjørn, yet the longing, purely physical, is there. Something's changed in her, like her integrity has been compromised. Like she’s been invaded and pillaged, robbed of something she never quite wanted but is barely restraining herself from crawling on her knees after. It’s humiliating. 'Is she safe?' Marisa strikes the perfect dry, pragmatic tone despite the most vicious yearning building underneath. 'From you? Yes.' 'Good.' It is good. She doesn't know what her body could enslave her to do if there existed the slightest chance of getting near that child. It is very, very good that Asriel hates her enough to spare her the turmoil.

Masriel + Lyra via random excerpts from my writing

[seven-stars-in-his-palm]

the thing i love about bill cipher is that even after i've learned all of this stuff about him, seen him at the most vulnerable he'll ever get, seen him at his most innocent, i still can't give a flying fuck about trying to justify his actions. yes he's traumatized, yes he was twisted into what we know today, and while it gives a semblance of context to why he did what he did, it doesn't matter. he still ruined ford's life. he still drove and baited multiple humans to suicide. he still tormented every human he saw as his ticket out of the consequences of his own actions. he still took delight in his actions. he was willing to commit genocide for fuck's sake!!! (freezing all of the humans into statues). trying to explain away what he did does not get rid of what he did, but it certainly puts it in perspective. you won't be catching me being a bill apologist any time soon <3

[dxxtruction]

Louis being compared to as a saint. Saints, who find their salvation and then give intercession from beyond that veil to move others towards it. A guide for life, where they no longer fall into their sins and trajectories towards a certain hell. "Listen to me as if I am the voice of god, or an angel." Louis being that saintly catalyst for the vampires to confront themselves in that such a way. A saintly Louis is very dear to me.

[hella1975]

i cannot stand the aot fandom this is not a new take at all they are universally intolerable but oh my dayssss u are FORBIDDEN from making ANY take about the show it's actually insane to watch. 'aot is perfect' no show is perfect. 'tell me you didnt get the show 😂🫵' people have different opinions/interpretations about things. 'eren is a good guy they could never make me hate him' i think there's actually 4 seasons and two movies explicitely using him as a tool to show that no one is 'good' or 'evil' they are only trying to survive. hello. the fandom r all so far up aot's ass that they actually discredit its writing in the process and it would be laughable if it wasn't so frustrating

[moonscape]

i don't really like confessions blogs because i feel like they just fuel the fire for fandom discourse but ngl i agree with pretty much everything that's been posted on the is*t one so far so i'm okay with it for now lol 👍

[emulation-0]

i'm so proud of my son yuji...

I LOVE HIMMMM IVE NEVER BEEN PROUDER... precious son <33 beat that ratty old man up

[vigilantdesert]

God. Imagine I finally add a gan to the mumu and it's only rehydromelon gan sldkfjd

[starspatter]

Some random Daisuke/Daikari headcanons + hopes(?) for 02TB (I haven't seen the movie yet so no spoilers please):

-during the Odaiba Fog incident, Daisuke was the only kid in line not crying as he was paraded in front of Tailmon - and even tried to fight Vamdemon himself in order to protect his family (only to have his ass beat ofc, thus leading to his feelings of wanting to become stronger in order to save others in the spring 2003 drama CD ;()

-if 02TB follows a similar story to Bamboo Leaf Rhapsody from The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, it'd be cute/ironic if lil' Hikari develops a crush on the "mysterious cool oniichan with sunglasses" and completely ignores Ken even if it hurts my childhood Kenkari heart

[cecenyss]

My parents are angry. They lose their temper quickly and get ahold of it just as fast. They’re not violent—not towards people, anyway.

Quick bouts of rage come and go so fast it gives me whiplash. My mom will grit her teeth in an angry burst and apologize in the same breath. My dad slams cabinets and swears like a sailor and then turns and says “sweetie?” like nothing is wrong within seconds.

But the apology is said like a chore, the endearment sounds like a threat. I know that they’re not, because I know my parents. I know their mannerisms, I’ve memorized their moods. I can read them as easily as myself.

Those kinds of things are characteristics displayed in abused characters, and I wonder what it says about me that I know my life is good but I still show them. I know they’re not perfect, because nobody is; sometimes I despair over what they could have done better and how much more I’d love myself if they had. But despite that, they don’t hurt me. There’s no malice, and they don’t even realize when I’m in pain.

And yet I fear them. Fear doesn’t come from violence. I know that. But they’re not manipulative, they’re not unloving, they’re not malicious. They love me, and they tell me. Not just when they want something, just when they see me. We’re very big on physical affection, and we talk freely. I roll my eyes and tell them to shut up and they laugh.

And yet I fear them.

My dad snaps and swears loudly about how my mother is a pain. He never threatens me. I don’t think he even processes that he’s saying this to his teenage daughter; he’s venting. And there’s nothing wrong with that that I can think of. Expressing your emotions freely is healthy. But I say thank you more than I would, I don’t talk as much, I don’t crack as many jokes. I stay quiet and talk when I need to. I do what I’m told. I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m scared of hurting him or of him hurting me.

My mom ignores me when she’s doing something, and when I repeat a clarifying question she tells me I need to leave her alone so she can do it. But other times she’s focusing and I leave her alone and she asks if I’m going to help her or not, or if I’m going to just stand there? Sure, the situations are different, but I don’t know what makes one something I should help with or ignore. And if I try to ask, like sometimes do, she says I’m being silly and I should know. I stay quiet and do nothing so I’m not just goofing off; I sit there and watch her in case she tries to ask me something, and I try not to tense. I’m scared.

I don’t know if this is normal or bad. I never had chores; is that neglect or lenience? I don’t know how to clean or do laundry or cook; is that a failure on their part or on mine? Sometimes I’m asked questions in school about where I live and I know my address but I know it like something I’ve memorized, not the actual meanings of the letters and numbers of the streets and where they are and what’s next to them. Is that because I was never taught or because I never paid attention?

Parents aren’t meant to just hold their child through every single life experience. I know that. Sometimes kids are just lazy and it’s their own fault for not trying. But I don’t know which it is. I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or they are. Am I just playing the victim or should they have done better? I know that in the past few years I’ve rejected all attempts by them to do anything, because of depression. Am I responsible for what I’ve missed out on because of it? Am I meant to fix it now? I’m better, but not healed. I still need help, but I’m at an age where I’m meant to be independent. But I can’t. I just can’t.

I love my parents, but I resent them. Am I wrong for resenting them? Do I have nothing to complain about? Am I just being dramatic? I haven’t spoken with them about any of this because I’m scared; is it my own fault I haven’t tried to confront them? When things don’t improve should I blame myself for not pursuing change?

It feels like my mother holds my hand through everything I do. Is that my fault for not being more independent? Is it hers for being too indulgent? Is it both of ours? How does it get fixed if neither of us are going to change? I’m too scared to take any independence because it feels like there’s too much and I feel like I’m constantly on the brink of collapsing, but she’s too complacent.

She’s always complacent. I ask her for things and she promises them so I stop asking and then it never happens and I complain and she says that I stopped asking but she promised but never does it. She doesn’t do anything. Nothing ever changes. My father barely knows what goes on in my personal life.

But they are good parents. They don’t do anything wrong. But I’ve just said things they do wrong. But they mean well, so how can I blame them? I say nothing, so aren’t I just complacent? But I’m scared. Am I allowed to be scared? To do nothing because of fear?

A lot of my friends have actual serious parental issues. Several of them have dead parents. How can I complain about my problems when they have so many actual, active problems? I have a hard enough time opening up about actual problems I deal with that are serious but this one is so mundane and might not even be a problem at all. I can ignore it if I don’t think about it but when I do think about it I want to cry because I hate it so so much.

I started this wanting to make a point about how anger doesn’t have to be violent to hurt someone, but now I’m just venting.

Whenever I take on a new responsibility or activity or anything, it takes over everything. I stress about it all the time, I double think how I do it and what I’m supposed to do and excuses I have for why I did it this specific way if someone asks and how I’m going to explain every single little action and it’s so exhausting. How can I expect myself to deal with the processes my mom does for me when I’m barely holding on with the things I do now? I double think everything. I think I’m doing better but I feel like I’m inching forward.

I don’t bring up suspicions about having autism with my psychiatrist because I’m scared of being wrong or being right or how my parents or cousins or aunts or anybody will react if it’s true or if it’s not true and they found out I thought it was and every single possible change is so exhausting to even think about.

I tell my mom I want to go home while we’re sitting on the couch in the apartment that they’ve lived in since before I was born. I am home, but I don’t feel like it. I never do. I want to be safe, I want to stop thinking, I want to not stress, but it’s so ingrained in how I live and act that I don’t even notice it until I hyper focus on my life and what happens so much it hurts.

She tells me she hates it when I say that. We are home. I can only tell her I want to go home when we aren’t there because that’s the only time she’ll comfort me. “I hate when you say that. We are home. What do you even mean? Stop saying that. It’s annoying. I hate it. I hate it.”

She knows I’m depressed and I have anxiety. I have meds now, and it helps. But sometimes I relapse and I fall into this pit of pain and depression and I can’t tell her, I can’t, because I know that she thinks that I’m better now, I’m good, I can deal with it, because the problem is the chemicals in my mind and the meds help with that. But it’s not just that. I hate my life, I hate everything, I hate myself, I hate her. But I love her. That would hurt her. She would cry. I hate it when my mother cries.

I’m sitting in a rental car crying because I’m depressed and my father is right in front of me. He hasn’t noticed and I doubt he will. When we pick up my mother she might notice my dried tears, and I’ll tell her it’s a sad fanfiction. She’ll believe me. They both will.

I want to go home.

[echidnana]

random but one thing we love about american girl dolls is that they aren't super skinny. like how most other dolls like barbie dolls have an impossible body type but ag dolls just sort of feel Normal

[dragonseeds]

it’s always so interesting to me that i rarely see discussions about the pseudo-incest in emma, esp with reference to the (suggested) imagery of mr. knightley at 16 holding her as an infant. the complexity of their relationships is so fascinating: emma herself being in an incredibly privileged position with no need to ever marry or worry for her future; the acknowledged difference in life experience and resulting power imbalance, which emma continuously disregards, creating some of their spiciest tension; the specter of grooming, inescapable from a modern pov, though knightley asserts that he didn’t know he was in love with with her until he got jealous of frank churchill, and yet we see how he does shape her, teach her, guide her, berate her, even if it wasn’t sexual—and they are both fully aware of this, playing into and with it, dissecting it, joking about it. underneath all of that is their very clear love and respect for each other, the depth of their connection: aside from being old friends (with emma at 21 and him at 37), they are already family; they always were. the evolution of their relationship feels perfectly natural, but at the same time there is an awkwardness to it—a slight discomfort if you examine it too closely, which i like.

i think the general acceptance of emma and knightley despite their age gap and his adult presence/influence on her during her youth comes from emma infecting the narration. she is comfortable with it (like her father, she does not like change unless she’s directing it and even then lol) and with him; her perspective, which is seemingly shared by all of the other characters, presents him as the moral center of the novel. his own actions reflect this, hinting at a self-awareness of how easy it would be for him to be petty or cruel, etc. there’s also emma herself: charming, clever, stubborn, proud, extremely manipulative and high-handed—young but certainly an adult and an extremely wealthy one. we’re not meant to worry about emma, so much as what she’ll do and what the consequences will be for people less fortunate than her—and that comes from the brilliant construction of her character and voice: this is also something emma knows (learns) about herself. i also think emma generally tends to be cast older than she should be in adaptations and that very much informs people’s reactions: they look closer in age than they are and become more palatable.

[cabbagequeen323]

anyway my daughters party went so much better that I could have hoped

[absentmoon]

i could probably rank the snakes on 'good to worst' tbh

[todayisafridaynight]

I may just be delirious but I kind of feel like there's something there about some of the most traumatic events in Arakawa's life arguably stemming from/being made worse by being loved too much.

Like, Toshio's death, right. The death of a parent is always always going to be traumatic, particularly when your other parent is abusive, but I feel like being there, being the first to the scene, made it so much worse. Especially when it should've been a good memory.

Non-zero chance I'm just projecting because I was there for my own father's death and I was around Arakawa's age at the time, but it's like... it did have very specific life-long effects, didn't it... the way he keeps coming back to Peking duck and talks about it like he's had it before when he can't even bring himself to eat it unless he's with family (and indeed, never did, up until right before he died)...

And then there's his former patriarch. Of course, he seemed to see Arakawa as more of an object--fully under his control and something to be thrown away at the first sign of autonomy. But I feel like, before then, Arakawa must've been his "favorite," if he was willing to arrange a marriage between his daughter and Arakawa. Which I expect is what made his reaction when Arakawa told him he was (technically) having an affair with Akane and wanted out of the family that extreme in going as far as to send men after Akane and Ichiban.

The last one I can immediately think of is not exactly traumatic for him, though it is traumatic For Me so I'm counting it, but it's of course what we were talking about with Jo hesitating so much at the thought of killing Arakawa that he passed up the chance to save him.

I Dunno I Am Delirious but... there's a pattern somewhere in there... Anyway. Uh. "Happy" Father's Day am I right

happy fathers day :]]]]

[rimouskis]

got dinner with the sisters tonight and I had the oh fuck, you're an adult realization about the youngest one.

[martyrbat]

ghosts – batman confidential #41

[ID: eight year old Bruce Wayne kneeling disconsolately on the ground between his parents corpses after they were murdered in front of him. His face is mostly concealed by shadow, blocking his eyes and lower face as he hauntedly stares ahead. END ID]