#I don’t like being candid with my feelings because it’s easier to phrase it artistically

[cecenyss]

My parents are angry. They lose their temper quickly and get ahold of it just as fast. They’re not violent—not towards people, anyway.

Quick bouts of rage come and go so fast it gives me whiplash. My mom will grit her teeth in an angry burst and apologize in the same breath. My dad slams cabinets and swears like a sailor and then turns and says “sweetie?” like nothing is wrong within seconds.

But the apology is said like a chore, the endearment sounds like a threat. I know that they’re not, because I know my parents. I know their mannerisms, I’ve memorized their moods. I can read them as easily as myself.

Those kinds of things are characteristics displayed in abused characters, and I wonder what it says about me that I know my life is good but I still show them. I know they’re not perfect, because nobody is; sometimes I despair over what they could have done better and how much more I’d love myself if they had. But despite that, they don’t hurt me. There’s no malice, and they don’t even realize when I’m in pain.

And yet I fear them. Fear doesn’t come from violence. I know that. But they’re not manipulative, they’re not unloving, they’re not malicious. They love me, and they tell me. Not just when they want something, just when they see me. We’re very big on physical affection, and we talk freely. I roll my eyes and tell them to shut up and they laugh.

And yet I fear them.

My dad snaps and swears loudly about how my mother is a pain. He never threatens me. I don’t think he even processes that he’s saying this to his teenage daughter; he’s venting. And there’s nothing wrong with that that I can think of. Expressing your emotions freely is healthy. But I say thank you more than I would, I don’t talk as much, I don’t crack as many jokes. I stay quiet and talk when I need to. I do what I’m told. I’m scared. I don’t know if I’m scared of hurting him or of him hurting me.

My mom ignores me when she’s doing something, and when I repeat a clarifying question she tells me I need to leave her alone so she can do it. But other times she’s focusing and I leave her alone and she asks if I’m going to help her or not, or if I’m going to just stand there? Sure, the situations are different, but I don’t know what makes one something I should help with or ignore. And if I try to ask, like sometimes do, she says I’m being silly and I should know. I stay quiet and do nothing so I’m not just goofing off; I sit there and watch her in case she tries to ask me something, and I try not to tense. I’m scared.

I don’t know if this is normal or bad. I never had chores; is that neglect or lenience? I don’t know how to clean or do laundry or cook; is that a failure on their part or on mine? Sometimes I’m asked questions in school about where I live and I know my address but I know it like something I’ve memorized, not the actual meanings of the letters and numbers of the streets and where they are and what’s next to them. Is that because I was never taught or because I never paid attention?

Parents aren’t meant to just hold their child through every single life experience. I know that. Sometimes kids are just lazy and it’s their own fault for not trying. But I don’t know which it is. I don’t know if I’m in the wrong or they are. Am I just playing the victim or should they have done better? I know that in the past few years I’ve rejected all attempts by them to do anything, because of depression. Am I responsible for what I’ve missed out on because of it? Am I meant to fix it now? I’m better, but not healed. I still need help, but I’m at an age where I’m meant to be independent. But I can’t. I just can’t.

I love my parents, but I resent them. Am I wrong for resenting them? Do I have nothing to complain about? Am I just being dramatic? I haven’t spoken with them about any of this because I’m scared; is it my own fault I haven’t tried to confront them? When things don’t improve should I blame myself for not pursuing change?

It feels like my mother holds my hand through everything I do. Is that my fault for not being more independent? Is it hers for being too indulgent? Is it both of ours? How does it get fixed if neither of us are going to change? I’m too scared to take any independence because it feels like there’s too much and I feel like I’m constantly on the brink of collapsing, but she’s too complacent.

She’s always complacent. I ask her for things and she promises them so I stop asking and then it never happens and I complain and she says that I stopped asking but she promised but never does it. She doesn’t do anything. Nothing ever changes. My father barely knows what goes on in my personal life.

But they are good parents. They don’t do anything wrong. But I’ve just said things they do wrong. But they mean well, so how can I blame them? I say nothing, so aren’t I just complacent? But I’m scared. Am I allowed to be scared? To do nothing because of fear?

A lot of my friends have actual serious parental issues. Several of them have dead parents. How can I complain about my problems when they have so many actual, active problems? I have a hard enough time opening up about actual problems I deal with that are serious but this one is so mundane and might not even be a problem at all. I can ignore it if I don’t think about it but when I do think about it I want to cry because I hate it so so much.

I started this wanting to make a point about how anger doesn’t have to be violent to hurt someone, but now I’m just venting.

Whenever I take on a new responsibility or activity or anything, it takes over everything. I stress about it all the time, I double think how I do it and what I’m supposed to do and excuses I have for why I did it this specific way if someone asks and how I’m going to explain every single little action and it’s so exhausting. How can I expect myself to deal with the processes my mom does for me when I’m barely holding on with the things I do now? I double think everything. I think I’m doing better but I feel like I’m inching forward.

I don’t bring up suspicions about having autism with my psychiatrist because I’m scared of being wrong or being right or how my parents or cousins or aunts or anybody will react if it’s true or if it’s not true and they found out I thought it was and every single possible change is so exhausting to even think about.

I tell my mom I want to go home while we’re sitting on the couch in the apartment that they’ve lived in since before I was born. I am home, but I don’t feel like it. I never do. I want to be safe, I want to stop thinking, I want to not stress, but it’s so ingrained in how I live and act that I don’t even notice it until I hyper focus on my life and what happens so much it hurts.

She tells me she hates it when I say that. We are home. I can only tell her I want to go home when we aren’t there because that’s the only time she’ll comfort me. “I hate when you say that. We are home. What do you even mean? Stop saying that. It’s annoying. I hate it. I hate it.”

She knows I’m depressed and I have anxiety. I have meds now, and it helps. But sometimes I relapse and I fall into this pit of pain and depression and I can’t tell her, I can’t, because I know that she thinks that I’m better now, I’m good, I can deal with it, because the problem is the chemicals in my mind and the meds help with that. But it’s not just that. I hate my life, I hate everything, I hate myself, I hate her. But I love her. That would hurt her. She would cry. I hate it when my mother cries.

I’m sitting in a rental car crying because I’m depressed and my father is right in front of me. He hasn’t noticed and I doubt he will. When we pick up my mother she might notice my dried tears, and I’ll tell her it’s a sad fanfiction. She’ll believe me. They both will.

I want to go home.

[tillidontneedfantasy]

‘WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?’ - Billie Eilish REVIEW: Making ‘Em Bow One By One

WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?

An interesting question you pose there, Billie. When I fall asleep, I usually dream about being a part of the Harry Potter universe and trying to defeat Voldemort with the golden trio. But unfortunately, I don’t go there every night. I mean, believe me, fighting off The Dark Lord can be scary sometimes. But sometimes I go to even darker places, and it always takes a few moments when waking up to believe I’m really in my bed. Much of Billie Eilish’s debut album invites you into the dark parts of her subconscious, and sometimes her extreme consciousness, to which she goes. Of course, “asleep” could also be interpreted as, well, dead. Which is a nice way to phrase it. Ideal, really. How wonderful would it be if death was just an eternal nap? No one would ever be afraid to die.

Maybe that’s what Billie believes it is, and why she seems so desperate to go there on WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO? (WWAFA,WDWG?) For a then-16-year-old girl, I wish she wasn’t so tired. “ilomilo,” “bury a friend” and most concerning, “listen before I go,” explore her friends who have been taken from her, and her desire to join them. I’m glad she hasn’t.

So is she. In a now traditional Vanity Fair video, Billie answers the same interview questions three years in a row, exactly a year apart. Expect The Fourth Year one October 18th, 2020. It is one of the most fascinating videos I have ever watched. Though the same at the core, there is a different version of Billie in each year. Which is to be expected, as she is a teenager in the limelight. But the video of year 2, which was around 5 months prior to WWAFA,WDWG?’s release, Billie openly admits to being in a very dark place, discussing how her friend had died. Her posture and affect are noticeably different in years 1 and 3. In the third and latest installment, Billie is an upgraded, happier and more comfortable version of the previous two. You can hear the change in her voice, see it in her face. In response to the question, “What’s most important to you right now?” her answer is, “Maintaining my happiness, which I have been experiencing for the first time in many years….I wanna stay happy. That’s a big goal for me.”

Billie Eilish is one of the biggest breakout stars of the past few years. Her following is enormous, and though fans vary in age, many of them fall in her cohort. Generation Z is special in many ways: morbidly funny, proudly outspoken, self-aware, and unafraid to be different. Billie Eilish is all of these things incarnate, the perfect spearhead for this generation and what they represent. She dresses how she wants to dress and makes the kind of music that she wants to make, refusing to follow the molded expectations of young up and coming female stars before her. In that music, she also does what very few artists, young or old, have ever done: candidly explores mental illness and suicidal ideation.

These issues have become more and more prevalent in today’s society, yet they are still extremely stigmatized. Like many teenagers, I experienced the sadness and darkness Billie is singing about. I’m almost 25 now, but I can imagine how 15-year-old Cass would feel hearing this album and seeing Billie as she is in the third year of that Vanity Fair interview. Understood. Not alone. And hopeful, hopeful that things get better. At that age you feel like everything is the end of the world, because it is developmentally and socially some of the most difficult years in the human experience. And to hear someone you look up to say, “I feel this way, too,” and then see them continue fighting, and happy that they did...that can change someone’s life.

Thankfully, Billie still injects some levity into the album. The musical hook in “bad guy” feels like a defining moment for Gen Z the way the musical hook in “Toxic” was for us Millennials. “all the good girls go to hell” unflinchingly decrees that God Is A Woman™, and “my strange addiction” has cuts from The Office, Eilish’s favorite show, interspersed throughout the song. Gen Z is taking over, and Billie’s one hell of a ringleader.

STRONGEST TRACK(S): “i love you,” “xanny”

The phrase “I love you” has never felt so intimate as it does coming from Billie’s mouth in the penultimate track on WWAFA,WDWG? Sandwiched between two tracks where all together they form a sentence (listen before I go, I love you, goodbye) "i love you" is the most mesmerizing and most vulnerable, not just of the three but of the whole album. As a listener, you are dying to know what's hidden between the lines. Why doesn't she want to love this person even though she clearly does? What did she do to make him cry? Why are you, the listener, crying right now? With the smallest breath, the quietest whisper, the emotion Eilish emits is enormous. Every once in a while you hear a song that you feel will never leave you, and “i love you” has all the makings to be everlasting.

As does the message in “xanny,” a dynamic song that mostly sounds like an old-time jazz track, although infuses a blaring noise over the chorus, as if you are standing right next to the booming stereo at the party setting in which she speaks. The layering of hums in the background and at the end of the song provides a necessary subtle softness, making it all the more beautiful. The track is a statement from Eilish that she has no interest in the lifestyle that so many kids her age- famous or not- lead, partly because she does not understand the appeal of its effects, and partly because she does not want to invest herself in someone willingly bringing harm upon themself, as she previously has. “I can’t afford to love someone who isn’t dying by mistake,” she asserts. Of course, most things in moderation are good and fine, but there is an ever-persistent pressure for young people to use substances, for easier social interactions or easier claim to desirable social status. There is a plethora of music out there promoting the party lifestyle, but very few saying, “hey, it’s okay if you’re not about this, you’re still cool,” and so a celebrity as big as Billie abstaining from it, and providing a reasonable explanation, gives a figure of understanding and solidarity to all the outliers.

WEAKEST TRACK: “8”

Not a bad song by any means, “8” is just the least memorable on an album filled with extremely intriguing and standout tracks. There is an interesting choice of vocal styles that alternate throughout, one of which it sounds as if Eilish is emulating the voice of a little girl. She is asking the subject to just give her some common courtesy and hear her out. "Who am I to be in love / when your love never is for me?" she asks, in the most compelling moment of the song. It is a difficult line to walk, knowing someone doesn't owe you anything but wanting them to anyway. Although the song is effective, its replay value doesn't quite match with the other contenders.

THE IN-BETWEENS

Although Eilish is authentic in her own right, you can see the draw of inspiration from unique artists before her. Lorde's imprint is all over "you should see me in a crown," a catchy song about ruling the world and making everyone bow down to her with the sound of a knife sharpening at the top, and “listen before i go” is reminiscent of Lana Del Rey’s morose romances. “when the party’s over,” written solely by Billie’s brother, collaborator, and best friend, Finneas O’Connell, is a beautifully quiet moment in the middle of the album, with absolutely gorgeous high notes from Billie. The song is succinct and poignant, noting the inner conflict between wanting a friend to be more than just that and yet feeling the need to keep up boundaries to protect your heart; but when has that done anyone any good?

BEST PROSPECTIVE SINGLE: “my strange addiction”

In the age of Netflix, The Office continues to grow in popularity with younger viewers who missed it on air. Who better to bolster the movement than Verified The Office super fan, Billie Eilish? In “my strange addiction,” Eilish and O’Connell draw inspiration from the classic episode, “Threat Level Midnight,” where Michael Scott (Steve Carrell) has finally finished his movie and is ready to premiere it to the office. In his movie, Scott’s character, Michael Scarn, teaches the entire bar how to do his signature dance, “The Scarn.” “No, Billie, I haven’t done that dance since my wife died!” the song begins, which is a real line from the episode. “my strange addiction” borrows from the track for “The Scarn,” which is simply genius. Everyone is doing “The Scarn,” fictional or nonfictional, even NFL player Trey Quinn, who did the famed routine for his touchdown dance. Not only will “my strange addiction” convert The Office fans to Billie Eilish fans, but just imagine the amount of TikToks there could be of people doing “The Scarn” to this song…think about the meme potential, Billie! *Ed Helms voice* There’s a whole crowd of people out there who need to learn how to do the “my strange addiction.”

                                                                   *****

Billie Eilish, and her debut album, WWAFA,WDWG? is impressive in a multitude of ways: she is raw, candid, silly, wildly intelligent, and most importantly, full of a lot of love, no matter how much she claims she does not want to be. Perhaps most impressive is that the only writers and producers credited on this album are Eilish and O’Connell, ages 18 and 22, respectively, at the time of this review, yet 17 and 21 at the time of its release, which means they were 16 and 20 at the time of writing and production. For two young people to create such an impactful album on such a massive scale on their own is a rarity, and has not been seen since the beginning of Taylor Swift’s career, and look at where she is now. Billie’s music might be different, but her trajectory seems quite similar. At Billboard’s Women in Music ceremony in December of 2019, Swift was honored with Woman of the Decade while Eilish was honored with Woman of the Year. Both artists paid homage to the other in their speeches, harkening back to Swift’s 2014 Woman of the Year speech where she alludes to a future Woman of the Year recipient learning piano and singing in choir; Swift had said back then that we need to take care of her, and Eilish tearfully thanked the room for doing just that. As Swift continues to fight against the system to pave the way for female artists, the clearing is all Billie’s. If Billie continues to maintain ownership of her voice, as I’m sure she will, it looks like the woman of the next decade is a lock. The crown looks great on Billie, and I cannot wait to see where she takes us while we’re all awake. Grade: 4.5/5

DISCLAIMER – REVIEWER’S BIAS: The first time I listened to WWAFA,WDWG? the only tracks that really captured my attention were “bad guy” and “my strange addiction.” I wanted to like it so bad, but I felt like I was missing something. Maybe that’s because I listened to the album at work and did not take it in properly. But I also felt like she was whispering too much, which made it difficult for me to stay interested. So I did not revisit it. However, over this past year, despite not listening to her music, I started to form a big-sister-type love for Billie, feeling as if I must protect her at all costs (any man over the age of like, 20, reading this: stay the fuck away from her you sickos!!!). I loved how she embraced her individuality and did whatever she wanted. I watched many interviews of her on YouTube (one being the Vanity Fair one, where she talks about how the criticism that she whispers a lot is hurtful yet true- Billie, I’m sorry!!) and found her to be so intelligent. To me, her and Taylor Swift (my number one love) are two sides of the same coin, or two paths to the same destination. What I mean by that is that as a lover of music and as a girl going through a difficult time, sometimes you need positivity to counteract the negative feelings, other times you need to lean into the sadness to release it all; though they both possess a bit of both, Taylor is more of the positive route, Billie more of the sad route. The thing is, you need both options. Billie reminds me of Taylor so much; she writes all of her own music (with her brother as her only co-writer), she has blown up at such a young and vulnerable age (if WWAFA,WDWG? wins AOTY at the Grammys, Billie will be the youngest ever recipient since Taylor won for Fearless at the age of 20), and she is committed to saying and doing what she wants to do the way she wants to do it. After listening to the album a few more times leading up to the Grammys to write this review, I get it. I truly get it. I’m sorry it took so long. And although her super soft vocals are definitely effective, I still want her to project more. The girl has a gorgeous voice; she should use it! But also she doesn’t need my advice, she’s doing fine. Keep whispering, baby girl. I feel very nervous for Billie, because when a woman reaches the top this quickly, everyone gets ready to push her off just as fast, and the fall can be fatal. But I believe in her ability to stand her ground. Please protect Billie at all costs!!!!

[recurring-polynya]

Sometimes, when I don’t feel like writing the things I am supposed to be working on, I have a document worth of drabbley post-TYBWA stuff where I’m working out how Renji and Rukia actually manage to get family-approval for their relationship and subsequently get married. It’s pretty rough and I never finish any of the parts.

In any case, @sillier-things mentioned recently that she liked stories about making babies and I told her I would write her a drabble, so I wrote a little story about family planning, because I am a thirty-eight year old, deeply boring woman, and because I need, in my heart, for Ichika to have been extremely planned.

So, I wrote this, mostly for me, and I hope you like it, too. If you don’t, I’ll just write you another one. Takes place in the late fall, between the TYBWA and their wedding, they are betrothed. (Renji likes to pronounce “betrothed” with three syllables and in his Byakuya voice). PG for some raunchy sex talk.

Some background from the other parts that maybe I’ll finish someday?:

- Renji beat Byakuya in a fight and then turned in his paperwork for dating Rukia

- Byakuya was will to let Renji marry into the Kuchiki family, but Renji realized that Rukia would be happier living a more independent life, and asked Byakuya if she could marry out of the family instead. Byakuya refused to let her marry a nobody, so he did what anyone would: named Renji his vassal.

- Renji somehow managed to buy a house that his 4th Seat won in a poker game off some other noble idiot (I wrote this part once when I got really nostalgic about their house from Between Tides, I told you I was a deeply boring person)

- Byakuya is not as recovered from his fight with As Nodt as everyone thinks he is. (Renji and Rukia know, tho)

Rukia sat on a tall bar stool, while Renji stuffed gyoza on the other side of the kitchen island. She was going down a long checklist. “Last one!”

“Surely not!”

“Surely yes! Do you want to use the good silver chopsticks?”

“The ones that are slippery as hell? No.”

“You’re getting pretty good at them,” Rukia said, propping one elbow up on the counter.

“I’m not worried about me. We get to invite our friends to this thing, too, right? In addition to all 900 of your relatives?”

“They’re your relatives now, too, Mr. Branch Family Head,” Rukia reminded him. “Whether you marry me or not. And yes, we can invite our friends to this thing, or as I like to call it, our wedding.”

Renji plopped another dumpling onto his tray. “Well, I don’t want Ikkaku to shove a metal chopstick in my ear on my wedding day, so can we please use normal ones? Is that allowed?”

“We can use the second most fancy chopsticks, I still wouldn’t categorize them as ‘normal.’”

“So, is that it? You’re really out of questions?”

“I’m out of wedding-related questions. You still haven’t told me why you’re making enough gyoza to feed your entire squad.”

“Because it’s easier to make them in big batches, they freeze really well.”

Rukia waved an arm at the room behind her, which was mostly full of boxes. “You don’t have anything better to do? You moved in three weeks ago, have you unpacked anything?”

“I unpacked the kitchen stuff, obviously. And you’re here. I know how you like it when I wear this apron.”

Rukia folded her arms on the counter and rested her chin on them. “Renji. You’re still sleeping in the barracks, aren’t you?”

Renji stared deeply into his bowl of pork and cabbage. It was much more forgiving than his fiancee. “This house is really big. It gets lonely at night. I still don’t see why I had to move in first.”

“How am I supposed to marry into your family if your family doesn’t even have a house? What sort of poor excuse for a noble are you anyway?” Rukia teased him.

“The worst,” Renji agreed cheerfully.

Rukia’s smile wavered a little. “It’s not too big, is it? For just two people?”

“It’ll be perfect when you’re here, I promise. If it’s still too big, we’ll get that bunny you’ve always wanted." 

Renji expected some shouting on the topic of bunnies, but instead, Rukia was quiet. He looked up from his dumplings to see her chewing on her bottom lip pensively. "Renji? Can I ask you something?” she asked as his eyes met hers.

“Nope!” he replied. “You said you were done! You blew your wad on centerpieces and great-uncles!”

She gave him a withering stare.

“Of course you can ask me anything, dummy,” he chided her.

Rukia sat up and leaned back as far as she could without falling off her stool. “Do you wanna have kids?”

Renji blinked. “Well…” he said slowly. 

Rukia waited.

“To be honest, I’ve spent a lot of time on my figure. I’m worried you wouldn’t find me attractive anymore if I couldn’t lose the weight afterwards–”

“Oh, shut up, you are the worst!” Rukia looked around for something she could throw at him, but the best thing she could come up with was a dish towel, which he ducked easily. “I’m being serious, here!”

“I know, I know, I’m sorry,” he chuckled, not sounding very sorry. “Do you want to have kids?”

“No! No dodging! I asked you first!”

They stared at each other, eyes narrowed.

“What if we said it at the same time?” Renji suggested.

“That seems like a terrible idea, but it is fair. Let’s do it.”

“Okay, on three, then. One…”

“Two…”

“Three!”

“Yes,” said Rukia at the same time as Renji said, “I do, but I feel it puts an unfair burden on you and I know being a good leader to your squad is something you take very seriously and I won’t feel like anything is missing from– did you just say 'yes’?”

“I knew you hadn’t thought this through properly,” Rukia muttered.

He threw a piece of wadded up dough at her head. She caught it.

“You moron!” she scolded. “You’re the head of a family, now! What kind of a dick do you think I am, that I would agree to marry you with no intention of bearing you an heir!”

Renji’s face split into a lopsided grin. “First of all, if you say the phrase 'bearing me an heir’ again, I am going to be so overcome with passion that I will be unable to wait until our marital vows, and I’ll have my way with you right here and now.”

Rukia rolled her eyes. As if he gave half a shit about wedding vows. As if they hadn’t done it already once today within five minutes of her walking in the door.

“Secondly, who the hell else would I marry? I’ve already incorporated Sode no Shirayuki’s tsuba into my family crest.” He shoved up his sleeve for emphasis, as if she had somehow forgotten what it looked like, the segmented oval of her released sword’s guard, bisected by a lightning bolt. She couldn’t believe he’d gotten it tattooed on the inside of his forearm on the same day Byakuya declared him a one-man vassal family. She also couldn’t believe he wouldn’t let her get a matching one until they were actually married. Apparently Seireitei tattoo artists were very serious about not doing clan symbols without permission. At least he was finally willing to wear long sleeves again, now that it was November. 

“That’s your problem,” she informed him.

“My favorite problem,” he announced. “The branch family thing is nice, I guess, but mostly I just care about being married to you. You don’t need to feel obligated to–”

Rukia threw the dough ball back at his head. It hit him square in the forehead and bounced off. “Look, you lunkhead. I don’t know if I would be any good at being a mom, but it’s just stupidly obvious how good a dad you would be, not to mention how hot you would be in one of those baby sling things. Don’t you dare try to deny it, as you stand there in your dumb apron, making your freezer meals.”

His cheeks had gone a little pink. “All I was gonna say is that I think you would be a pretty awesome mom. You can skateboard. I can’t skateboard. You… you really want to?”

Rukia shrugged, a little defensively. “We had a pretty shitty childhood, y’know, but we all took care of each other. We did okay. We were happy. I feel like… like it would be nice to actually take care of someone. Give them food and hugs and tell them stories and all the stuff no one ever did for us. That I would like to do that with you.”

Renji was regarding her strangely.

“What?” Rukia huffed.

“I just really like you, y’know,” he said softly. 

Now Rukia was the one with pink cheeks. “Also, I just feel like I could make a really good baby,” she proclaimed. “Especially with your help. Imagine a kid with my brains and aesthetic and your height and abs.”

“You do realize we’re just as likely to get an angry shorty with my hair and your stubbornness,” Renji informed her dryly. “Not to mention a foul mouth because there’s no way we’re gonna remember to watch our language around them.”

“Sounds perfect to me, either way,” Rukia replied.

Renji grinned and continued on with his dumpling stuffing. “All right, Kuchiki. I’m game if you are.”

“I am,” Rukia confirmed. “When do you want to start?”

Renji guffawed. “You do not mess around, do you? My hands are covered in ground meat at the moment–”

“Be serious! Besides, I already cast the all-purpose protection kidou on you today and I’m very good at it, so it’ll probably last a full eight hours.”

Renji shook his head and rolled his eyes. “You be serious. Wouldn’t you rather wait until you get a new captain in place?”

Rukia stuck her lower lip out. “Uhhh, there’s something I should probably tell you.”

Renji looked up, regarding her under lowered eyelids. “Yesssss?”

Rukia made a squirmy face. “The Head-Captain talked to me the other day. He, uh, said that with all the losses overall, and the fact that there aren’t really any good candidates, he wants to keep the 13th small for the next couple of years and let me, um, growintothecaptaincy.”

Renji raised one eyebrow at her, looking very proud, but not saying anything.

“He wants to do the same with the Seventh,” Rukia quickly excused. “And he’s going to talk to Captain Hitsugaya about mentoring me, both as a captain and with my bankai. That’s the real issue, y'know, that with a bankai like that, I should really know what I’m doing before I have any business captaining a squad.”

“I hear you,” Renji agreed.

Rukia narrowed her eyes at him. “Is that what you told Captain Kyouraku when he asked you to take the Seventh? He said you turned him down.”

Renji winced.

“Because you told me,” Rukia went on loftily, “ that Souou Zabimaru was much easier to maneuver than Hihiou Zabimaru.”

“Something about how I still had a lot to learn from Captain Kuchiki,” Renji grumbled. “Besides, the Seventh is Iba’s squad. He’s not that far from bankai. I even told Kyouraku I’d help him train for it.”

“It might be awhile before you get another chance,” Rukia pointed out softly.

Renji was stuffing dumplings very aggressively now. “Your brother needs me right now, you know that, even if I wasn’t gettin’ married to the most demanding woman in Soul Society next month. I don’t care that much about making captain. I care a lot about my family.”

Byakuya’s battle with As Nodt had very nearly killed him. At the time, Captain Unohana had predicted that, even if he lived, he would never hold a sword again. He had proved her wrong, of course, trained in the Royal Realm, taken up his haori again. But he wasn’t the same. HIs power was greatly reduced, his endurance as well. He could no longer reach the advanced stages of his bankai. 

Captain Kuchiki was one of the most powerful captains in the Gotei. It would take a strong opponent indeed to press him hard enough to even notice these changes. But Byakuya knew. And his lieutenant, who had finally bested him in battle, knew, too.

Byakuya’s previous strength might still return. It might simply take time. Having an eager young vice-captain– powerful enough to pass the captain’s exam, but lacking the experience, made a convenient cover for delegating combat and other physically taxing duties. Especially now that Byakuya had acknowledged Renji as a protege of sorts, head of a Kuchiki branch family, and promised Byakuya’s own beloved sister, it appeared outwardly that it was the captain supporting his vice-captain, rather than the other way around.

Rukia smiled fondly at the vice-captain in question. “I like you a lot, too, y'know.” She paused thoughtfully. “I don’t have to be a captain, either. It is a lot. I can tell Kyouraku to find someone else.”

“Tch!” Renji huffed. “Someone’s gotta bring glory to our family name. Makes more sense for it to be you, I’m the better cook.” He finished up the last of his dumplings, and put the bowl in the sink. “Although I suppose that puts a wrinkle in that thing we were talking about a minute ago.”

Rukia sniffed. “I don’t see why. We’ll make one right away, I’ll tell the Head Captain I need a year, and then I’ll get down to business after that. You can use the baby as an excuse to stave off any further attempts at promotion. And if Brother keeps trying to overdo it, we can plunk the baby in his lap.”

“Brilliant plan,” Renji assessed. “Zero foreseeable flaws. How many of these you think you can eat with dinner? I’m gonna freeze the rest.”

“One thousand,” Rukia proclaimed.

Renji rolled his eyes as he slid a tray into the freezer. “I have no idea how I am going to keep you fed, assuming I actually manage to knock you up.”

“I believe in you,” Rukia assured him. “On both counts.” She watched him as he continued to clean up. “You’re really on board with all this? You were probably looking forward to a few years of me bending you over the kitchen table as soon as we got home, not late night feedings and dirty diapers, huh?”

Renji finished drying his hands, and he reached over the counter to tip Rukia’s chin up with one finger. “Rukia. As much as I love having rauchy sex in inappropriate places with you– and you know that I do– the thing I’ve been waiting forty-six years for is to be a family, whether that means just the two of us, or us plus however many babies you demand I put in you. I’ve had enough waiting for one afterlife, to be honest.”

“How did you come up with 46?” Rukia frowned. “Forty-six years ago, we were still back in–”

“Don’t do the math,” he implored.

“Okay,” she agreed, smiling at him.

“We’re not gonna start trying before the wedding, though, right?” Renji asked, pulling off his apron. “I’m pretty bad at math, but your brother’s not.”

“I suppose not,” Rukia agreed.

“Then we should squeeze in as much lazy daytime sex as possible while we still can!”

Rukia shrieked gleefully as he ducked around the kitchen island and pulled her off her barstool. 

This was going to work out just fine.

[snowpatrolfanclubbrazil]

A remarkably purgative release born from addiction, vulnerability and recovery, the Jacknife Lee-produced Wildness marks Snow Patrol’s long-awaited return after seven years. Striking a midpoint between the band’s evolved pop-rock prowess with lyrics tackling darkness, alienation and living in the moment, it’s an album capturing the Gary Lightbody-fronted band at both their most vital and creatively inspired in years. In a candid conversation with Brian Coney, Lightbody discusses addiction, success, writer’s block, confronting one’s demons, whittling 600 songs down to 20, the importance of patience, the deceptive imprint of Krautrock artists, Fela Kuti and others on Wildness, as well as why he has no desire to write another ‘Chasing Cars’. Wildness is, of course, Show Patrol’s first album in seven years. But does it feel that long? It’s funny because in some ways it feels like no time at all. And in other ways it’s an endless, undefinable amount of time that it almost feels like we’re starting from scratch again. I’m not sure how I feel about either of those things but in terms of live, we’re sounding better than we’ve ever sounded, so that feels like a regeneration in a lot of ways. The album feels like that, too. In terms of a personal thing, I went through the mill to make this record. It broke me a lot of times but it put me back together as well. Was that pressure you put on yourself, the record company, a precedent you set with previous albums or was it a combination of all of those things? Nobody put any pressure on me. The rest of the guys in the band didn’t put any pressure on me, the record company didn’t, the management didn’t – it was really just the pressure I put on myself, really. That’s the only thing that was on my mind. I was aware that, whether they were saying it or not, people were waiting for something. It was nagging at me. I didn’t have access to writing at that time. I start writing in 2013 and four of those five years were spent unable to write songs for Snow Patrol, really.

I dislike the phrase writer’s block but was it that, or did it stem from what you had been dealing with in your own life? I think it was deeper than writer’s block because I didn’t have anything to write about – that’s what I felt. I feel like writer’s block is when you have a subject and you can’t put your finger on what you want to write about or the words won’t come. With this, it was more a case of me not knowing what I wanted to write about, at all. I guess getting sober was the first step to unlocking what I needed to write about. But at that stage I didn’t even know. The two things were running parallel to one another and then they starting turning inwards towards each other and would eventually meet. But at that stage it was still parallel lines. I was trying to get myself right and not really thinking about the music. They intertwined at one point. There is almost an institutionalised expectation for artists who are playing night after night to drink; to keep things going and ticking over. In terms of getting sober, did you have an epiphany when you were on hiatus or was it something that happened when the band was active?

In 2007, we were in the middle of the Eyes Open tour in America and it was pretty intense. We were doing three acoustic sessions at different radio stations every day, and then the gig at night, and press and whatnot in every city that we were in. I lost my voice, and I was drinking every night, as well. Me being an idiot at the time,I thought, “Well, how have I lost my voice? It’s always been there.” So I went to a doctor and it turned out I had polyps at the time. Long story short: we had to take a break and rescheduled those shows. We took a month off and I saw a vocal coach for the first time. Snow Patrol had been going for 14 years at that point and I never had any vocal training – kind of like Ferris Bueller, “never had one lesson”. I would advise every singer to go see a vocal coach, for your own sanity and for the health of your own voice. We’re all young at one point and we all think that we’re invincible, but it doesn’t last forever. There’s a finite amount of times you can drive the thing in fifth gear with a fucking foot on the floor before you run out of gas. Since then, I stopped drinking on tour, unless I had a day or two off after a gig. But when we were off tour – in those days it was only every a week or two, or maybe a month between tours if we were lucky – I would have a bunch of fun. But unfortunately when the tour finished in 2012 and there’s no album until 2017, that’s an awful lot of time spent having that fun. What happened in that time was that in the first five years of those seven years I drank excessively, almost every day. Certainly running up until when I stopped drinking, I was drinking every day. Initially I had to stop due to a medical thing, but I then wanted to stay stopped, because I started to become aware of life happening. Before, I was burying life in booze. When you were writing lyrics for the album, which was obviously over a period of time, were you reluctant to be vulnerable? Did you consciously think, for example, “Ok, I’m going to delve into issues with depression on this song”, or “I’m going to confront my struggles with alcohol on this song”? Garret (“Jacknife” Lee) played a lot of music in the studio during downtime in the studio. At one point, he put on Nick Cave’s new album at the time, Skeleton Tree. At the end of the first track, ‘Jesus Alone’, I just put it on again. And again and again. We listened to it about ten times. Jacknife and Nathan (Connolly, Snow Patrol lead guitarist/backing vocalist) saw me starting to write something so they were to the shop and said they’d be back in half an hour. By the time they got back I’d written ‘A Youth Written In Fire’, which is my favourite song on the record, and that’s when I knew what the record needed to be about. It needed to strip away everything and just let all of the things that I had been afraid of, all of the things that I had been running from, all of the things that I wanted to hide from people, because I was scared that they would be appalled by the thoughts that were going on my head – I had to let it all spill out. It was kind of liberating, and terrifying, in its own way, to realise that this is what I had to do. It was the only thing that was finally going to scratch the itch of this record. It was a case of “Bare everything. It doesn’t matter.” I can vividly recall whenever Snow Patrol exploded back in 2004 with the release of ‘Run’. A lot of people were taken by how joyous that song, and Final Straw generally, was. Now, your music still has that, but it now confronts what makes so many of us – from mental health, addiction and far beyond – vulnerable. Do you feel that people can benefit from how open you are on this record?

I would never presume to guess what would be going on in somebody else’s life, and I hate it when other people try to guess what’s going on in mine. But in terms of the experiences that I’ve already had with this record, such as meeting people after shows, a lot of people have been very sweet and asking how I am. I’m fine, by the way, everybody – I really am. I’m better than ever. But they’ve also been saying that because of what I’ve said and what I’ve written, that they have found it easier to talk about stuff that they’ve not been able to talk about. It does mean an awful lot to me. So many musicians strive to be great at crafting great pop songs. It’s something that you naturally excel at. But did you approach the whole songwriting process differently on this album, or did you go at it like you always did in the past? I wrote a lot of songs for this record. The lyrics as I say was a bigger case of writer’s block and they didn’t come easy, but the music came quite easily. I wrote over 600 songs that we whittled down to 20 that we recorded. A lot of them took themselves out of the running by not being good – a hell of a lot of them – but for me it’s always been a case of always writing and writing and writing and writing. Most of the time, you immediately know when a song is going to work, and that’s maybe 1 in 10 or 1 in 20. If you’re lucky. Fucking hell, it’s probably much bigger than that. 1 in 50? I don’t know. But it’s funny because people reading this might think, “Well, why keep writing if it’s not coming?” But one thing leads to another. I’m very aware of not trying to take shortcuts, because I never took shortcuts before. What kind of shortcuts? Like a template. People sometimes say to me, “Do you ever think of writing another ‘Chasing Cars’?” and I’m like, “No, because I don’t know how.” It’s like, yes, I could write a song exactly like ‘Chasing Cars’, or something that approximates it. But what would be the point? There would be no point artistically. There would be no point – well, I don’t even think about things commercially, or at least not until they’re about to come out, and I think, “Well, is there a single we can put out?” It would be such a hollow experience to try to emulate something that we’ve done before. I actually got asked in a recent interview, “Do you think you’ll ever have the same success again that you had with ‘Chasing Cars’?” The answer to that question is, honestly, no. How could you? It was a moment.

Yeah, it’s such a time-capsuled thing. It’s strange how some people view things like this one-dimensionally. On this album, there’s a lot of subtlety and there’s a lot of depth to songs, as well as experimentation in terms of instruments that are used. But at the heart of it is really catchy songs. You said ‘A Youth Written In Fire’ is your favourite track on there. Why is that? What it symbolises – that letting go of the fear of talking about something that I’ve found so hard to talk about. I was drinking on my own. A lot. People didn’t know. The band didn’t know. I was taking drugs on my own a fair bit. It’s that fear of being found out, when what was I afraid of? Nobody went, “You fucking asshole!” Nobody. Not a single person. And even if somebody did, what does it matter? Do I think I’m an asshole? Did I used to think I was an asshole? Yes. I had a lot of self-loathing and a lot of self-hatred. But I don’t have it anymore. Nor do I think I’m the shit, either. I just have a normal amount of appreciation for myself, and I think it’s healthy to actually like yourself and enjoy being in your own company. If you are in your own company and you hate yourself and can’t look at yourself in the mirror, and every time you do, you think, “You’re a fucking cunt”, that is a dangerous place to be. You need to speak to somebody. You need to reach out. You need to fucking change the pattern that you’re in. Which is what I’ve done and I hope that I’ve conveyed that on this record.

But yes, that’s what that song means to me. It’s the first song that I properly wrote for the album. It took a long, long time – it’s almost an album within itself, because of the amount of time it took to write. When it came, it came to me in twenty minutes. It was like, “This is still in me. This is how I used to write songs.” I still have that fucking muscular twitch, that I can turn on. Like Usain Bolt, I can still run the 100 metres. Not that I want to compare myself to elite athletes, but actually, I suppose I’m more of a Mo Farah style-runner nowadays. But, now and again, I still have the other side to me, too. I can still run the sprint. I may be mistaken, but I read earlier that ‘Life and Death’ was co-written by Jacknife, yourself and… members of German Krautrock masters Can? There’s a Can sample in it. Pretty much the whole song is driven by the Can sample. I think we drop in and out at times, but certainly when it kicks in, the chugging thing, that’s in there. We were listening to a lot of Krautrock, a lot of African music like Fela Kuti, William Onyeabor, and artists like Peter Gabriel, Nick Cave and lots of soul music. When you’re in the studio with Garret it’s a constant bombardment. If we were in there listening to just a bunch of guitar music we wouldn’t have made the album that we’ve made. You’re always kept on your toes with Garret.

More than ever before, there are so many younger bands and artists striving for success, fame, validation, financial reward and all the rest. From your own perspective, what advice would you give to younger artists who feel like they have the musical ability, but just not the means or luck to make it happen? Don’t rush it. Don’t let your ambition get the better of your good sense. I think until you get ten or twenty people that you trust telling you that you’re fucking awesome, don’t be doing anything rash. I can’t speak for pop music as it seems to be this constant carousel of people coming in and going out, but with bands, it’s really important that the thing that you want from your career, even if you don’t know you want it, is endurance. You want longevity. You might know that you want but you do. You fucking do. You have to have patience for that. Patience that was beaten into me, not given to me gently. If I could give anybody advice, it’s to try and just to take your foot off the gas, just a little bit, make sure you have great songs, make sure you’ve played your fucking socks off to no one before you play to someone. We played to fucking one person one night. We played to twenty people one night. We played so many of those gigs that we thought that nothing was ever going to happen. And, sometimes, you also have to be fine with the fact that might be the case. It took us ten years to have a hit, and there was plenty of times during that period that I thought it was never going to happen. I got to a place in myself that I thought, “Well, that’s just it. It won’t happen.” That’s when it fucking happened. It’s hard to define the endurance thing, but I would say that if you think that you have an album when you only have ten songs, you’re wrong. You’re absolutely, 100% wrong. You have an album when you have 100 songs. Write as many songs as you possibly can before you pick ten. Obviously, you’re perspective has shifted a lot of over the years. There’s been different versions of Snow Patrol: pre-success, success, massive success, downtime and now your return. But what is it that motivates you nowadays? We’ve already been lucky with this album run. Belfast was a moment. So was Derry. Cork was another. It was a strange one because we hadn’t played Cork in a long time and we didn’t know what to expect and it was a fucking amazing gig. It was at the Opera House – a beautiful, beautiful place. Those are the moments. There’s going to be some other moments that we’re not going to enjoy and that’s just the way life is. I think I’m just trying to be as level-headed as possible. I used to be someone who was trying to predict the future all of the time. “What if this happens? What if that happens?” That is the biggest waste of time in any pursuit that anyone could possibly ever do. Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. That’s why I don’t look too far ahead in the diary these days. I used to be counting the days on a tour and stuff but maybe that shows you weren’t in the right place.

Wildness is out now

[siva3155]

300+ TOP UNITY 3D Interview Questions and Answers

UNITY 3D Interview Questions for freshers experienced :-

1. What is Unity 3D? Unity 3D is a powerful cross-platform and fully integrated development engine which gives out-of-box functionality to create games and other interactive 3D content. 2. What are the characteristics of Unity3D? Characteristics of Unity is It is a multi-platform game engine with features like ( 3D objects, physics, animation, scripting, lighting etc.) Accompanying script editor MonoDevelop (win/mac) It can also use Visual Studio (Windows) 3D terrain editor 3D object animation manager GUI System Many platforms executable exporter Web player/ Android/Native application/Wii In Unity 3D, you can assemble art and assets into scenes and environments like adding special effects, physics and animation, lighting, etc. 3. What is important components of Unity 3D? Some important Unity 3D components include Toolbar: It features several important manipulation tools for the scene and game windows Scene View: It is a fully rendered 3 D preview of the currently open scene is displayed and enables you to add, edit and remove GameObjects Hierarchy: It displays a list of every GameObject within the current scene view Project Window: In complex games, project window searches for specific game assets as needed. It explores the assets directory for all textures, scripts, models and prefabs used within the project Game View: In unity you can view your game and at the same time make changes to your game while you are playing in real time. 4. What is Prefabs in Unity 3D? Prefab in Unity 3D is referred for pre-fabricated object template (Class combining objects and scripts). At design time, a prefab can be dragged from project window into the scene window and added the scene's hierarchy of game objects. If desired the object then can be edited. At the run time, a script can cause a new object instance to be created at a given location or with a given transform set of properties. 5. What is the function of Inspector in Unity 3D? The inspector is a context-sensitive panel, where you can adjust the position, scale and rotation of Game Objects listed in Hierarchy panel. 6. What's the best game of all time and why? The most important thing here is to answer relatively quickly, and back it up. One of the fallouts of this question is age. Answering "Robotron!" to a 20-something interviewer might lead to a feeling of disconnect. But sometimes that can be good. It means you have to really explain why it's the best game of all time. Can you verbally and accurately describe a game to another person who has never played it? You'll rack up some communication points if you can. What you shouldn't say is whatever the latest hot game is, or blatantly pick one that the company made (unless it's true and your enthusiasm is bubbling over). Be honest. Don't be too eccentric and niche, and be ready to defend your decision. 7. Do you have any questions regarding us? Yes. Yes, you do have questions. Some of your questions will have been answered in the normal give-and-take of conversation, but you should always be asked if you have others (and if not, something's wrong). Having questions means you're interested. Some questions are best directed to HR, while others should be asked of managers and future co-workers. Ask questions that show an interest in the position and the long-term plans of the company. For some ideas, see "Questions You Should Ask in an Interview," below. 8. What are the characteristics of Unity3D Characteristics of Unity is It is a multi-platform game engine with features like ( 3D objects, physics, animation, scripting, lighting etc.) Accompanying script editor MonoDevelop (win/mac) It can also use Visual Studio (Windows) 3D terrain editor 3D object animation manager GUI System Many platforms executable exporter Web player/ Android/Native application/Wii In Unity 3D, you can assemble art and assets into scenes and environments like adding special effects, physics and animation, lighting, etc. 9. List out some best practices for Unity 3D Cache component references: Always cache reference to components you need to use your scripts Memory Allocation: Instead of instantiating the new object on the fly, always consider creating and using object pools. It will help to less memory fragmentation and make the garbage collector work less Layers and collision matrix: For each new layer, a new column and row are added on the collision matrix. This matrix is responsible for defining interactions between layers Raycasts: It enables to fire a ray on a certain direction with a certain length and let you know if it hit something Physics 2D 3D: Choose physics engine that suits your game Rigidbody: It is an essential component when adding physical interactions between objects  Fixed Timestep: Fixed timestep value directly impacts the fixedupdate() and physics update rate. 10. What do you do on your own time to extend your skills? As a programmer, do you work on home projects? As a designer, do you doodle design ideas or make puzzles? As an artist, do you do portrait work? Having hired many people in the past, one of the things I can speak to with authority is that those people who spend their off time working on discipline-related projects are the ones who are always up on current trends, have new ideas, are most willing to try something new, and will be the ones taking stuff home to tinker with on their own time. Now that shouldn't be expected of everyone, but the sad reality is that there is competition for jobs out there, and those who are prepared to put in the extra work are the ones that are going to be in hot demand. Demonstrating that you learned C# over a weekend because you thought it was cool for prototyping is exactly the kind of thing a programming manager wants to hear. Suddenly your toolset expanded, and not only did it show willingness to do something without being told, it makes you more valuable. The only care to here is to not mention an outside situation that might detract from or compete with your day job.

UNITY 3D Interview Questions 11. How do you feel about crunching? At smaller studios, this is the 64 million dollar question. My advice is to be 100 percent honest. If you won't crunch, say so now. It may well put you out of the running for a job, but ultimately that's a good thing. No, really, it is! If the company works a lot of overtime and you don't want to do it, then taking the job is going to be punishing for everyone. Having said that, the last thing any interviewer wants to hear is, "I won't do it" because that predicates a perceived lack of involvement and passion (not that passion should equal overtime, but the perception of refusing to do something before you're even in the circumstances could be the difference between getting a job offer and having the company pass you up). Phrase your answer in such a way that you don't sound confrontational with the interviewer. She doesn't want to get into an argument; she just wants to know where you stand. Understand that this question is meant to gauge, roughly, how you might fit into the company culture. 12. How would you make the games you're playing better? You'd be surprised how often this question comes up, even if you aren't interviewing for a design position. Everyone wants a developer who has design sensibilities because it inevitably means she or he will be more involved and engaged in whatever is going on. Knowing ahead of time how you might answer this question means you'll come off sounding like you've actually thought about a game in development terms. Game studios are looking for people who think as they play -- about what they're playing, how it's done, what could have been improved, and most importantly, what they can rip off. One downside to adopting this mentality is that it becomes harder to enjoy a game for what it is, but that's an occupational hazard in all jobs. Believe it or not, you can answer this question in an entirely positive way. However, if you decide instead to criticize a design or implementation decision in a game, be sure you have a solution to the problem too. It's not enough to moan about the final strider battle in Half-Life 2: Episode 2; you have to have an idea of how it could have been made more enjoyable, perhaps through easier car control, or not destroying all the supply stations so quickly. If you decide to bash a game that the company where you're interviewing developed (and that takes courage; some companies will applaud you while others will diss you for not drinking the Kool-Aid), then ensure that what you're criticizing isn't something subjective but something that everyone has had a pop at. Be ready to back up the criticism with proof that it's an agreed-upon flaw, not just you being nit-picky. 13. Explain what a vertex shader is, and what a pixel shader is? Vertex shader is a script that runs for each vertex of the mesh, allowing the developer to apply transformation matrixes, and other operations, in order to control where this vertex is in the 3D space, and how it will be projected on the screen. Pixel shader is a script that runs for each fragment (pixel candidate to be rendered) after three vertexes are processed in a mesh's triangle. The developer can use information like the UV / TextureCoords and sample textures in order to control the final color that will be rendered on screen. 14. Where do you want to be in five years? Personally, I love this question because it reveals if a prospective candidate has a plan at all or is just drifting from job to job as so many are wont to do. There's nothing wrong per se with people who drift along the currents, it's just that those with a plan (or at least a desire to move in a particular direction) are generally much more interesting people. Plus, they are almost always inherently more predictable, which is always a benefit for employers. Having a desire to move forward helps everyone. It helps you measure your progress, and it gives the company a plan to help you get there. Of course, it does depend on you knowing what you want. Most people tend to know what they don't want, but not necessarily what they do want, which is a problem -- particularly if you express that in an interview. Interviewers would rather have a list of things you want to attain rather than things you don't. One optimal answer is, "Still working for you making games," but it smacks of sucking up, so I'd recommend saying something a little more generic: "Still looking for a challenge and putting in that extra effort to make great games." The best response I've ever heard to that question was, "I want your job!" and the individual who said it to me indeed has my old job! But be wary of sounding confrontational. 15. Why vectors should be normalized when used to move an object? Normalization makes the vector unit length. It means, for instance, that if you want to move with speed 20.0, multiplying speed * vector will result in a precise 20.0 units per step. If the vector had a random length, the step would be different than 20.0 units. 16. Why do you want to work here as Unity3D Developer? (This question implicitly includes, "Why do you want to leave where you are?" if you're currently employed.) This question is an open opportunity to show you've done some research on the company where you're interviewing. All companies and interviewers are flattered when the interviewee knows who they are, knows what games they make, and wants to be a part of their experience. Do your homework and put on a good show! Don't say things like, "I need a job," or "I need to move to Sacramento." Instead, pick a few things that are germane to the company in question. The more specific your reasons are tied to the company, the better. "I want to work on FPS shooters" isn't as good an answer as "I want to work on Game Franchise X because I played the first two games and still see potential for future growth of the product." It's sycophantic, yes, but interviewers are as prone to flattery as anyone else -- although don't give that as your only reason. When explaining why you want to leave your current job, the trick is to not be negative. Pick a couple of points that are inarguable, for example, "There was no career development" or "They weren't working on the kinds of games I'm interested in," rather than "Their management is clueless and they are going to die soon." The game industry is a small community -- you could very well be talking smack about your interviewer's close buddy. If you were let go or fired, it's better to say something like, "We decided to part ways," or "It was my time to leave," rather than go into too much detail, unless directly pressed. In that case, the interviewer probably already knows what went down and is just looking to see what you'll say. Answer the question quickly and without negativity, and move on. You want to leave a positive impression. 17. Why deferred lighting optimizes scenes with a lot of lights and elements? During rendering, each pixel is calculated whether it should be illuminated and receive lightning influence, and this is repeated for each light. After approximately eight repeated calculations for different lights in the scene, the overhead becomes significant. For large scenes, the number of pixels rendered is usually bigger than the number of pixels in the screen itself. Deferred Lighting makes the scene render all pixels without illumination (which is fast), and with extra information (at a cost of low overhead), it calculates the illumination step only for the pixels of the screen buffer (which is less than all pixels processed for each element). This technique allow much more light instances in the project. 18. Can two GameObjects, each with only an SphereCollider, both set as trigger and raise OnTrigger events? Explain your answer? No. Collision events between two objects can only be raised when one of them has a RigidBody attached to it. This is a common error when implementing applications that use "physics." 19. What is an Unity3D file and how can you open a unity3d file? A Unity3D files are scene web player files created by Unity; an application used to develop 3D games. These files consist of all assets and other game data in a single archive, and are used to enable gameplay within a browser that has the Unity Web Player Plugin. The assets within a 3D unity file are saved in a proprietary closed format. 20. What's your biggest weakness? Or, if I hired you, what would I regret about it in six months? This is a common question in all job interviews. There are generally two kinds of responses: the brutally honest and damning one ("I get upset with people who don't carry their load"), and the sycophantic one ("I'm a perfectionist"). What most employers are looking for is an honest answer that is followed up with an example of something you have done to work on your weakness. For example, you can say, "My workspace tends to become extremely disorganized," as long as you follow it up with, "but recently, I've put in a lot of effort to go paperless, and I'm extremely systematic in the way I manage my email inbox." The other secret to this question is not so much in the answer but how long you take to respond. If you answer too quickly, you might be suggesting that you already know all your worst points because they are blatantly obvious and you've been told so many times. If you take too long, it will seem as if you're searching for an answer that sounds good, doesn't make you look bad, and is something the interviewer would be happy to hear. Again, it gives the perception that you are being ingratiating rather than honest. By the way, the best answer I've heard is, "I don't know. What do you think I'd regret in six months if I worked here?" 21. What is Fixed Timestep in Unity3D? Why does Fixed Timestep setting affect game speed? Fixed Timestep feature helps to set the system updates at fixed time interval. A queue like mechanism will manage all real-time events that are accumulated between time epochs. If frame-rate drops below some threshold limit set for fixed timestep, then it can affect the game speed. 22. Explain, in a few words, what roles the inspector, project and hierarchy panels in the Unity editor have. Which is responsible for referencing the content that will be included in the build process? The inspector panel allows users to modify numeric values (such as position, rotation and scale), drag and drop references of scene objects (like Prefabs, Materials and Game Objects), and others. Also it can show a custom-made UI, created by the user, by using Editor scripts. The project panel contains files from the file system of the assets folder in the project's root folder. It shows all the available scripts, textures, materials and shaders available for use in the project. The hierarchy panel shows the current scene structure, with its GameObjects and its children. It also helps users organize them by name and order relative to the GameObject's siblings. Order dependent features, such as UI, make use of this categorization. The panel responsible for referencing content in the build process is the hierarchy panel. The panel contains references to the objects that exist, or will exist, when the application is executed. When building the project, Unity searches for them in the project panel, and adds them to the bundle. 23. Why Time.deltaTime should be used to make things that depend on time operate correctly? Real time applications, such as games, have a variable FPS. They sometimes run at 60FPS, or when suffering slowdowns, they will run on 40FPS or less. If you want to change a value from A to B in 1.0 seconds you can't simply increase A by B-A between two frames because frames can run fast or slow, so one frame can have different durations. The way to correct this is to measure the time taken from frame X to X+1 and increment A, leveraging this change with the frame duration deltaTime by doing A += (B-A) * DeltaTime. When the accumulated DeltaTime reaches 1.0 second, A will have assumed B value. 24. Which of the following examples will run faster? 1000 GameObjects, each with a MonoBehaviour implementing the Update callback. One GameObject with one MonoBehaviour with an Array of 1000 classes, each implementing a custom Update() callback? The correct answer is 2. The Update callback is called using a C# Reflection, which is significantly slower than calling a function directly. In our example, 1000 GameObjects each with a MonoBehaviour means 1000 Reflection calls per frame. Creating one MonoBehaviour with one Update, and using this single callback to Update a given number of elements, is a lot faster, due to the direct access to the method. 25. Arrange the event functions listed below in the order in which they will be invoked when an application is closed: Update() OnGUI() Awake() OnDisable() Start() LateUpdate() OnEnable() OnApplicationQuit() OnDestroy() The correct execution order of these event functions when an application closes is as follows: Awake() OnEnable() Start() Update() LateUpdate() OnGUI() OnApplicationQuit() OnDisable() OnDestroy() Note: You might be tempted to disagree with the placement of OnApplicationQuit() in the above list, but it is correct which can be verified by logging the order in which call occurs when your application closes. 26. Okay, we're going to work through a problem here? Often in game job interviews, you will be presented with a problem to solve, or even a full-blown test, depending on the position. It might be grease board work, it might be a conversation, it might be a level design test, it might even be a code test at a PC. The premise is that the interviewer wants to see how you work. Often, once you've answered the question, the interviewer will change the parameters to see what you'll do. But what do you do if you have no clue what's being asked, or if it's outside your area of expertise---> That's a panic moment if there ever was one. Take a deep breath and realize that this is a moment where you need to say, "I'm not sure I understand the question," or "That's not something I've done before." But immediately after that, start asking questions about the problem and take a stab at solving it. That's one of the biggest things you can do at this point -- admit ignorance then have a go anyway. Showing a willingness to try something outside your field of knowledge is huge to interviewers. It shows you want to learn and be more than what you are now. Sometimes, the fact that you tried is more important than the actual result, and sometimes, you'll have an interviewer who will give you hints toward a solution just because you showed that willingness to try. The more junior you are the more likely this is to happen. Occasionally, interviewers will deliberately put you out of your comfort zone just to see how you'll react, so be aware! 27. Consider the following code snippet below: class Mover : MonoBehaviour { Vector3 target; float speed; void Update() { } } Finish this code so the GameObject containing this script moves with constant speed towards target, and stop moving once it reaches 1.0, or less, units of distance? ANS:- class Mover : MonoBehaviour { Vector3 target; float speed; void Update() { float distance = Vector3.Distance(target,transform.position); // will only move while the distance is bigger than 1.0 units if(distance > 1.0f) { Vector3 dir = target - transform.position; dir.Normalize(); // normalization is obligatory transform.position += dir * speed * Time.deltaTime; // using deltaTime and speed is obligatory } } } 28. Can threads be used to modify a Texture on runtime? Can threads be used to move a GameObject on the scene? Consider the snippet below: class RandomGenerator : MonoBehaviour { public float randomList; void Start() { randomList = new float; } void Generate() { System.Random rnd = new System.Random(); for(int i=0;i What's your favorite book? Movie? TV show? ---> Do you prefer open worlds or well-defined quest lines? Do you think a game should/can have both? ---> What's your favorite character class? ---> How would you briefly describe the mechanics of your favorite game to a non-programmer? ---> Do you usually play games to the end? ---> What's your Beta test experience? (No, you're not looking for a QA person BUT it doesn't hurt to hire a programmer who thinks like a QA person at least a little, as in being able to vet their own work before they hand off a fix as "done.") ---> What's your favorite game of ours and why? (If you've only published one game, they better have played it! And listen for their own words-if they sound like they're parroting what they read about your game, it's entirely possible they haven't actually played it.) ---> If you could work in any other area of our industry, what would it be and why? What makes a game fun for you? 31. List out the pros and cons of Unity 3D? Pros: It uses JavaScript and C# language for scripting Unity provides an Asset store where you can buy or find stuff, that you want to use in your games You can customize your own shaders and change the way how Unity renders the game It is great platform for making games for mobile devices like iOS, Android and Web (HTML5) Cons: Compared to Unreal Engine it has got low graphics quality Interface not user-friendly and it is hard to learn especially for beginners It requires good programming knowledge as such most of the stuff runs on Scripts 32. What will you bring to the team? Why do we need you? This is a general question that applies to all interviews. There are two ways to answer: the big answer and the little answer. The big answer requires you to have some knowledge of how the company operates. Who does what---> Your goal is to slot your experience, passion and skills (and if you are a student, your passion, skills, and desired career direction) into any holes the company may have -- and it should have some. Otherwise, why are they hiring---> The little answer is to name some of your previous experiences and best qualities and hope that's enough. Care needs to be taken that a) you don't sound arrogant in assuming the company will die without you and b) you don't say negative things about the company. Statements like, "Well, you obviously can't do good Q/A. You need a good Q/A manager," are likely to go down like a lead balloon. Frame your answer to suggest that you would bring extra expertise, and therefore improvement, to something that's already in place. 33. What game would you make if money were no object Everyone has a pet project they would want to make if they had the chance -- it's just inherent in the game developer psyche. This is your chance to expound on it, and the more realized your idea is, the more it will be seen as proof that you know what you're doing. Taking an existing idea and adding, "but I'd make it cooler!" isn't the answer (the number of times I've heard Q/A staff wanting to become developers tell me they want to remake Counter Strike "but better" is staggering); it just shows you have enthusiasm, but no original ideas. Bonus points if you can take an existing IP license and make a compelling argument for a game out of it. People who can actually do that are at a premium in our industry since most tie-ins, well, suck. 34. What games are you playing? If you plan to work for a video game company, you'd better be playing games -- and you'd better be able to demonstrate that. It's good form to mention some games that are in the same genre as the games made at that company. It's even better if you mention playing some of the games that were actually made there. Again though, don't go over the top. At the very least, play the demo of anything they've produced. You need to be knowledgeable about the genre, what you enjoy about it, and how the development of these games is affected by the genre (as much as you can be). So research the company before the interview. How you answer this question can be a deal breaker or a deal maker for hiring managers. They want to hire people who are demonstrably passionate about the games their company makes. Saying, "I have a level 70 mage in World of Warcraft and a level 40 druid in EverQuest," to Blizzard makes the point that you are immersed in its product genre. Demonstrating some knowledge about older games also shows you're grounded in game history, which is never a bad thing. The wider your knowledge base, the more you can forestall going down blind alleys in terms of implementation and design, which benefits everyone, and that's exactly what a company is looking for in its employees. 35. List out some key features of Unity3D UE4 ( Unreal Engine 4)? UE4: Game logic is written in C++ or blueprint editor Base scene object- Actor Input Events- Component UInputComponent of Actor class Main classes and function of UE4 includes int32,int24, Fstring, Ftransform, FQuat, FRotator, Actor and TArray To create a new instance of a specified class and to point towards the newly created Actor. UWorld::SpawnActor() may be used UI of Unreal Engine 4 is more flexible and less prone to crashes It does not support systems like X-box 360 or PS3, it requires AMD Radeon HD card to function properly Less expensive compare to Unity3D To use UE4 you don't need programming language knowledge Unity3D: Game logic is written using the Mono environment Base scene object- GameObject Input events- Class Input Main classes and function include int,string,quaternion,transform, rotation, gameobject, Array To make a copy of an object you can use the function Instantiate() The asset store of this tool is much better stacked than UE4 It supports wide range of gaming consoles like X-box and PS4, as well as their predecessors Unity3D has free version which lacks few functionality while pro version is bit expensive in compare to UE4 It requires programming language knowledge 36. What is the use of AssetBundle in Unity3D? AssetBundles are files that can be exported from Unity to contain asset of your choice. AssetBundles are created to simply downloading content to your application. 37. In Unity 3D how can you hide gameobject? To hide gameobject in Unity 3D, you have to use the code gameObject.transform.SetActive(false); 38. Questions You Should Ask In Unity3D Interview: What are the core working hours? How do you assign or schedule tasks? Who gets to decide who does what and estimates time? What's the career path for this job? How do I get to progress? What is the process for promotion? What training approach do you use? How would I learn new skills? How are personnel reviews handled? Who does them and how often? Are there any specific development processes used here, for example, Scrum? Who would I report to? If I'm hired, what is the next game I might work on---> How much input would I have on that? Is there a relocation package? What bonus structure or incentives are there? 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On Creative Leadership: 8 Essential Insights from Debbie Millman

The all-new REACH Conference by HOW Events—November 13-14, 2017—will inspire and empower creative professionals by curating best-in-class leaders to share powerful knowledge that accelerates professional development. The world is a more complex place than ever before and the role of the designer is transforming to a position of business innovation, strategic differentiation, critical problem solving, and corporate leadership. REACH is an opportunity for creative leaders to have access to some of the most successful thinkers, doers and makers working today. Learn strategies, insights, and leadership skills to thrive in this challenging landscape.

Here, as the REACH conference approaches, the great Debbie Millman teaches us what it takes to make a difference in the design world:

What “non-creative” skillsets are most important to thrive in your current role?

I don’t think there is such a thing as a “non-creative” skillset. Any behavior or initiative or undertaking can be approached creatively. I try to approach both the things that I make and the things that I manage with creative energy that includes (on my best days, some days it is hard to muster it all) empathy, patience, thoughtfulness, generosity and kindness.

What advice would you give your younger self to accelerate your professional growth?

Do what you love, and don’t stop until you get what you love. Work as hard as you can, imagine immensities, don’t compromise, and don’t waste time. In order to strive for a remarkable life, you have to decide that you want one. Start now.

What are the characteristics of a good leader?

The world is a subjective place. There is no empirical definition of what makes something good; often only the test of time reveals whether it is or isn’t. Like art, opinions on greatness are varied and fierce. The quality of your work may very well be judged by those who aren’t schooled in the discipline, which can make for very challenging presentations or interviews. But showing a prospective employer the benefit you can provide can be far more effective than telling them how, and only a leader can do this with gravitas, panache, and meaning. The tenet to “lead by example” is the most widely accepted guideline for effective leaders, and it clearly makes sense. But it’s not the only principle worth following. The best definition of leadership I’ve ever read was written by the late great David Foster Wallace, in an essay titled “Suck It Up” from his book Consider the Lobster:

It is just about impossible to talk about the really important stuff in politics without using terms that have become such awful clichés they make your eyes glaze over and are hard to even hear. One such term is “leader,” which all the big candidates use all the time—as in e.g. “providing leadership,” “a proven leader,” “a new leader for a new century,” etc.—and have reduced to such a platitude that it’s hard to try to think about what “leader” really means and whether indeed what today’s Young Voters want is a leader. The weird thing is that the word “leader” itself is cliché and boring, but when you come across somebody who actually is a real leader, that person isn’t cliché or boring at all; in fact he’s sort of the opposite of cliché and boring. Obviously, a real leader isn’t just somebody who has ideas you agree with, nor is it just somebody you happen to believe is a good guy. Think about it. A real leader is somebody who, because of his own particular power and charisma and example, is able to inspire people, with “inspire” being used here in a serious and non-cliché way. A real leader can somehow get us to do certain things that deep down we think are good and want to be able to do but usually can’t get ourselves to do on our own. It’s a mysterious quality, hard to define, but we always know it when we see it, even as kids. You can probably remember seeing it in certain really great coaches, or teachers, or some extremely cool older kid you “looked up to” (interesting phrase) and wanted to be just like. Some of us remember seeing the quality as kids in a minister or rabbi, or a scoutmaster, or a parent, or a friend’s parent, or a supervisor in a summer job. And yes, all these are “authority figures,” but it’s a special kind of authority. If you’ve ever spent time in the military, you know how incredibly easy it is to tell which of your superiors are real leaders and which aren’t, and how little rank has to do with it. A leader’s real “authority” is a power you voluntarily give him, and you grant him this authority not with resentment or resignation but happily; it feels right. Deep down, you almost always like how a real leader makes you feel, the way you find yourself working harder and pushing yourself and thinking in ways you couldn’t ever get to on your own. In other words—and you have to suck it up and just ignore the clichés here for a second, because these aren’t just words, and there’s important stuff in back of them—in other words, a real leader is somebody who can help us overcome the limitations of our own individual laziness and selfishness and weakness and fear and get us to do better things than we can get ourselves to do on our own.

In thinking about your own leadership style, consider the following questions:

Are you more interested in being right or doing the right thing?

Can you admit when you are wrong and fight for what you know is right?

Can you take responsibility for your decisions, as tough as they may be?

Do you believe in what you are doing with your whole heart?

How do you thrive in complexity?

I try to avoid compulsively making things worse.

What professional development are you working on?

I am always in pursuit of awareness. Self-awareness, awareness of the world, awareness of politics, culture and innovation.

Where do you find personal inspiration to stay motivated and focused in your role? Any favorite reads, blogs, etc.?

I tend to walk a lot and get a tremendous amount of inspiration and new ideas when I am out and about. Designers who inspire me are Paula Scher, Emily Oberman, Marian Bantjes, Jessica Hische, Jessica Helfand, Paul Sahre, Brian Rea, James Victore. Artists who inspire me are Ed Ruscha, Richard Tuttle, Lawrence Weiner, Jenny Holzer, Sue Martin, Mike Kelley and the list goes on and on. I get infinite inspiration from my dogs. My bed inspires me

What skillsets do you feel are most important to succeed as a creative leader?

Every job is hard. Design is hard, marketing is hard, and working at McDonald’s and Starbucks and Walmart is hard. Why does it feel “easier” to do something we don’t love than to do something we actually feel passionate about? I think we lose our courage to pursue our creative dreams when we feel that the only way we can make a living is to conform. I realize now that making a living doing what you love requires a personal belief that you have something meaningful to contribute. What makes this particularly difficult is that making a living doing what you love doesn’t come with a real “rule book.” There is no single process for anything. In many ways, making a living doing what you love is an anti-process! For example, you may have a process for being creative, but the actual act of living creatively is organic and (nearly) involuntary: you have to do it—you have no choice—or a part of you dies. If you are considering settling because going after what you want seems too hard to do, remember that hating what you do every day is even harder. I guess this is a long way of stating that I believe one of the most important skills necessary to succeed as a creative leader is to, at all costs, avoid settling.

What would you consider one of the biggest challenges in the creative leadership role today? And what one piece of advice would you give someone new to this role?

The notion of a “vocation” has changed rapidly over the last two centuries. As recently as 150 years ago, most people didn’t consider happiness or fulfilling their purpose when considering their job. Most people were happy to have paid work in the first place, and they were grateful that they were able to provide for their families.

People hire other people and pay them in order to sell more products, communicate ideas better, move things off of shelves, to write code, to invent and innovate. But when you work for someone—anyone— you are essentially asking him or her to give you money to do that thing. That thing might be something that you love or went to school for or have deep interest in—or all of the above. The people that hire you (for the most part) are not interested in what you love or what your dreams are or what inspires you. The people who interview you are primarily interested in moving more products or communicating more clearly or winning an election or inventing new marketplace opportunities. Interviewers and employers expect a return on the investment of giving you money in exchange for doing what you were hired to do, and doing it efficiently and with zeal. To them, love has absolutely nothing to do with it. It takes work to get the work you love. It takes knowing how to interview well, how to communicate flawlessly, how to articulate your own purpose and to simultaneously do this while facing tremendous rejection.

Personally, I don’t take rejection particularly well and I tend to take it very personally and get very dejected with myself. This will lead to my wanting to abandon my efforts and to throw in the towel. But then I try to remind myself that I don’t know that anybody that really puts their whole self into something really feels any differently in the face of rejection. Why would they? Why should they? So my advice is this: If you want something badly enough in the face of rejection, you must keep persevering. Many, many, many, many people far greater than I have been rejected numerous times and many of those people have ultimately achieved real greatness in spite of (or even because of) the rejection. I don’t think rejection is ever final until you stop trying to succeed.

The post On Creative Leadership: 8 Essential Insights from Debbie Millman appeared first on HOW Design.

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31 celebrities who smashed the stigma surrounding mental illness in 2016.

It may not seem like that big of a deal when a celebrity speaks up about their experiences with mental illness. But it is.

Throughout 2016, dozens of actors, authors, artists, and athletes trailblazers we’re used to seeing smiling on red carpets or snagging gold medals on TV shared the personal battles they’ve faced behind closed doors. It was a groundbreaking year.

It levels the playing field,” Aaron Harvey says of the many public figures who chose to speak up. Harvey is the founder of Intrusive Thoughts, a group set on humanizing those living with mental illness. Suddenly, you realize the same struggles that you have might be the same struggles that someone you really idolize have. And that [makes it] OK.”

The stigma surrounding mental illness is taking lives. Many millions of people living with conditions like depression and anxiety are shamed into believing there’s something inherently wrong with them that they’re weak, for instance, or even dangerous to others. They suffer in silence because of it.

When a person with a platform becomes a face others can relate to, it becomes a little bit easier for someone else to follow in their footsteps, talk to someone, and get the help they need. Speaking up can save a life.

Here are 31 celebrities who spoke out in 2016 some of them for the first time about their experiences living with a mental illness:

1. Actress Kristen Bell wrote about why you can’t trust all of your thoughts when you’re battling depression.

“For me, depression is not sadness. Its not having a bad day and needing a hug. It gave me a complete and utter sense of isolation and loneliness. Its debilitation was all-consuming, and it shut down my mental circuit board. I felt worthless, like I had nothing to offer, like I was a failure. Now, after seeking help, I can see that those thoughts, of course, couldnt have been more wrong.” Kristen Bell, on living with depression

2. Singer Selena Gomez reminded us that you never really know what’s going on in someone else’s head.

“I had to stop. ‘Cause I had everything, and I was absolutely broken inside. And I kept it all together enough to where I would never let you down, but I kept it too much together, to where I let myself down. I don’t want to see your bodies on Instagram, I want to see what’s in here. [puts hand on heart] I’m not trying to get validation, nor do I need it anymore. … If you are broken, you dont have to stay broken.” Selena Gomez, on living with anxiety and depression

3. Musical artist Kid Cudi got candid about the limitations that living with a mental illness put on his own life.

“My anxiety and depression have ruled my life for as long as I can remember and I never leave the house because of it. I can’t make new friends because of it. I don’t trust anyone because of it and Im tired of being held back in my life. I deserve to have peace. I deserve to be happy and smiling. Why not me?” Kid Cudi, on living with anxiety and depression

4. Actor Wentworth Miller opened up about becoming the butt of a body-shaming joke amid his struggle to survive.

“Now, when I see that image of me in my red t-shirt, a rare smile on my face, I am reminded of my struggle. My endurance and my perseverance in the face of all kinds of demons. Some within. Some without. Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.” Wentworth Miller, on living with depression

5. Actress Hayden Panettiere shared with fans that they might be seeing less of her because, first and foremost, she needed to prioritize getting well.

The postpartum depression I have been experiencing has impacted every aspect of my life. Rather than stay stuck due to unhealthy coping mechanisms, I have chosen to take time to reflect holistically on my health and life. Wish me luck!” Hayden Panettiere, on living with postpartum depression

6. Singer Zayn Malik penned an essay on why he had to cancel performances due to severe anxiety.

“The thing is, I love performing. I love the buzz. I dont want to do any other job. Thats why my anxiety is so upsetting and difficult to explain. Its this thing that swells up and blocks out your rational thought processes. Even when you know you want to do something, know that it will be good for you, that youll enjoy it when youre doing it, the anxiety is telling you a different story. Its a constant battle within yourself.” Zayn Malik, on living with anxiety

7. Artist Lady Gaga revealed a secret about her own battles at an event benefitting young homeless teens in New York.

“My own trauma in my life has helped me to understand the trauma of others. I told the kids today that I suffer from a mental illness. I suffer from PTSD. I’ve never told that to anyone before, so here we are.” Lady Gaga, on living with post-traumatic stress disorder

8. NFL wide receiver Brandon Marshall explained why organizing with one another not hiding away is crucial for those living with a mental illness.

I thought, How many others are out there suffering? I tell people all the time, you know, where were at in [the mental health] community is where the cancer and HIV community was 20, 25 years ago. So we have to galvanize this community. Brandon Marshall, on living with borderline personality disorder

9. Actress Rachel Bloom showed us why we shouldn’t let stereotypes about medication dictate whether we should get the proper help we need.

“I had gone to therapists, but for the first time I sought out a psychiatrist. In his office I finally felt safe. I told him everything. Each session improved my life. He diagnosed me with low-grade depression and put me on a small amount of Prozac. Theres a stereotype (I had believed) that antidepressants numb you out; that didnt happen to me.” Rachel Bloom, on living with depression

10. Musical artist Justin Vernon of Bon Iver got real about what a panic attack can actually feel like.

It was like: Oh my god, my chest is caving in, what the f**k is going on? I dont like talking about it, but I feel its important to talk about it, so that other people who experience it dont feel its just happening to them. Justin Vernon, on living with panic attacks and depression

11. Singer Demi Lovato pointed out the importance of consistently staying on top of your health for the long haul.

“Its not something where you see a therapist once or you see your psychiatrist once, its something you maintain to make sure that you want to live with mental illness. You have to take care of yourself. Demi Lovato, on living with bipolar disorder

12. Actress Lena Dunham opened up about how anxiety affects her day-to-day routines.

Ive always been anxious, but I havent been the kind of anxious that makes you run 10 miles a day and make a lot of calls on your BlackBerry. Im the kind of anxious that makes you like, Im not going to be able to come out tonight, tomorrow night, or maybe for the next 67 nights. Lena Dunham, on living with anxiety

13. NFL guard Brandon Brooks discussed the difference between game-day jitters and the type of anxiety he experiences.

I wanted to get to the bottom of whats going on. Basically, I found out recently that I have an anxiety condition. What I mean by anxiety condition [is] not nervousness or fear of the game. … I have, like, an obsession with the game. Its an unhealthy obsession right now and Im working with team doctors to get everything straightened out and getting the help that I need and things like that. Brandon Brooks, on living with anxiety

14. Actress Evan Rachel Wood spoke out about how our world’s tendency to overlook or dismiss certain groups can complicate a person’s mental health.

“For so long, I was ashamed. Youre dealing with the shame that the world has imposed upon you, and then on top of that, the shame of identifying that way. Youre totally looked down upon in and out of the LGBT community. A good way to combat that and the stereotypes is to be vocal.” Evan Rachel Wood, on living with depression and coming out as bisexual

15. Actress Cara Delevingne got real about her early struggles living with a sense of hopelessness.

“I’m very good at repressing emotion and seeming fine. As a kid I felt like I had to be good and I had to be strong because my mum wasn’t. So, when it got to being a teenager and all the hormones and the pressure and wanting to do well at school for my parents, not for me I had a mental breakdown. I was suicidal. I couldn’t deal with it any more. I realized how lucky and privileged I was, but all I wanted to do was die.” Cara Delevingne, on living with depression

16. Comedian Patton Oswalt laid out the difference between living with depression and surviving the devastation of losing a loved one.

Depression is more seductive. Its tool is: Wouldnt it be way more comfortable to stay inside and not deal with people? Grief is an attack on life. Its not a seducer. Its an ambush or worse. It stands right out there and says: The minute you try something, Im waiting for you. Patton Oswalt, on living with depression and the grief brought on by his wife’s death

17. Singer Kesha opened up about what led her to a rehab program focused on treating eating disorders.

“I felt like part of my job was to be as skinny as possible and, to make that happen, I had been abusing my body. I just wasn’t giving it the energy it needed to keep me healthy and strong.” Kesha, on living with an eating disorder

18. Author John Green wrote about the dangers of romanticizing mental illness.

“Mental illness is stigmatized, but it is also romanticized. If you google the phrase ‘all artists are,’ the first suggestion is ‘mad.’ We hear that genius is next to insanity. … Of course, there are kernels of truth here: Many artists and storytellers do live with mental illness. But many dont. And what I want to say today, I guess, is that you can be sane and be an artist, and also that if you are sick, getting help although it is hard and exhausting and inexcusably difficult to access will not make you less of an artist.” John Green, on living with depression

19. Musical artist Halsley discussed her attempt at suicide as a teenager.

I had tried to kill myself. I was an adolescent; I didnt know what I was doing. Because I was 17, I was still in a childrens ward. Which was terrifying. I was in there with 9-year-olds who had tried to kill themselves. Halsley, on living with bipolar disorder, and once staying in a psychiatric hospital

20. Prince Harry addressed the problem with assuming people who seemingly have their lives in order aren’t struggling with an invisible issue.

You know, I really regret not ever talking about it. … A lot of people think if youve got a job, if youve got financial security, if youve got a family, youve got a house, all that sort of stuff everyone seems to think that is all you need and you are absolutely fine to deal with stuff. Prince Harry, on living with grief after his mother’s death

21. Actress Rowan Blanchard explained why living with a mental illness can be a learning opportunity.

“I learned this year that happiness and sadness are not mutually exclusive. They can exist within me at the same time in the same moment. While also becoming more forgiving of myself and my emotions, I became more forgiving of others, specifically other teenagers.” Rowan Blanchard, on living with depression

22. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps spoke candidly about why even gold medals couldn’t truly make him happy.

I went in with no self-confidence, no self-love. I think the biggest thing was, I thought of myself as just a swimmer, and nobody else. … I was lost, pushing a lot people out of my life people that I wanted and needed in my life. I was running and escaping from whatever it was I was running from. Michael Phelps, on living with mental illness

23. Actress Jenifer Lewis talked about how the AIDS epidemic led her to realize she needed help.

“Sometimes I suspected that something was not quite right. Especially during the time when the AIDS epidemic was at its height and my grief was pretty much out of control. No one was talking about bipolar disorder and mental illness back then. I had lost so many friends and loved ones. My spiral into depression was overwhelming; I could not function. Thats when I couldnt ignore the fact that something was wrong anymore. Jenifer Lewis, on living with bipolar disorder

24. Singer Adele highlighted why not each form of mental illness manifests the same way in every person.

“My knowledge of postpartum [depression] or post-natal, as we call it in England is that you dont want to be with your child; youre worried you might hurt your child; youre worried you werent doing a good job. But I was obsessed with my child. I felt very inadequate; I felt like Id made the worst decision of my life. … It can come in many different forms.” Adele, on living with postpartum depression

25. Actor Jared Padalecki launched a new “I Am Enough” campaign, selling shirts to support initiatives that fight depression and self-harm.

I am enough. And you are enough. … I know I can keep fighting and I know that Im trying to love myself, but sometimes you feel like youre not enough. So this message is helping me kind of understand that I am enough just the way I was made. Jared Padalecki, on living with depression

26. Actress Amanda Seyfried nailed why we should be treating mental illness just as seriously as any other disease or condition.

“Im on [antidepressant] Lexapro, and Ill never get off of it. Ive been on it since I was 19, so 11 years. Im on the lowest dose. I dont see the point of getting off of it. Whether its placebo or not, I dont want to risk it. And what are you fighting against? Just the stigma of using a tool? A mental illness is a thing that people cast in a different category [from other illnesses], but I dont think it is. It should be taken as seriously as anything else.” Amanda Seyfried, on living with anxiety and depression

27. Musical artist Keke Palmer opened up about how her own mental illness postponed the release of a new album.

I stopped trying all together because I allowed people to make me believe that being an artist meant having big budget music videos and big record producers backing you. When in reality, all being an artist means is to be fearless in your creative pursuits. My anxiety, caused by the habit of unconsciously holding my breath, coupled with the stress of my personal life at that time created a lot of hard years of depression for me. Keke Palmer, on living with anxiety

28. Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones said she’s in a good place right now, thanks to identifying her struggle and finding the help that was right for her.

“Finding out that it was called something was the best thing that ever happened to me! The fact that there was a name for my emotions and that a professional could talk me through my symptoms was very liberating. There are amazing highs and very low lows. My goal is to be consistently in the middle. Im in a very good place right now.” Catherine Zeta-Jones, on living with bipolar disorder

29. Actor Devon Murray used World Mental Health Day to share his own ups and downs with fans on Twitter.

“I’ve been battling depression in silence for ten years and only recently spoke about it and [it] has made a huge difference. I had suicidal thoughts this year and that was the kick up the arse that I needed! Open up, talk to people. If you suspect a friend or family member is suffering in silence [reach out] to them. Let them know you care.” Devon Murray, on living with depression

30. Musical artist Jade Thirlwall discussed a dark time in her life that looked picture-perfect from afar.

“My periods stopped and things were getting out of control, but I don’t think I really cared about what was happening to me. I felt so depressed at the time that I just wanted to waste away and disappear. … It should have been a really happy time my career was successful, ‘Black Magic’ was doing well, and we were traveling and performing. On the surface I was happy, but inside I felt broken.” Jade Thirlwall, on battling anorexia

31. Musician Ellie Goulding explained how her panic attacks often came at the worst possible times.

“I was skeptical [of going to therapy] at first, because Id never had therapy, but not being able to leave the house was so debilitating. And this was when my career was really taking off. My surroundings would trigger a panic attack, so I couldnt go to the studio unless I was lying down in the car with a pillow over my face. I used to beat myself up about it.” Ellie Goulding, on living with anxiety and facing panic attacks

Many celebrities have helped bring the conversation around mental health into the mainstream. But it’s on us to make the real change happen.

While its amazing to have celebrities out there blazing trails and introducing a radical new transparency,” Harvey notes, “the most important thing is that individual sufferers communicate with their everyday connections. If we really want to make an impact on stigma, it cant just be a headline.”

If you need help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1800273TALK (8255). If you want to learn more about mental illness, visit the National Alliance on Mental Health.

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from 31 celebrities who smashed the stigma surrounding mental illness in 2016.