#ummmm yeahh

[sab3rto0thed]

trigger warning: descriptions of self-harm

i was around thirteen when i discovered an article about a guy who nearly killed himself. 

i was googling “how to kill yourself” on an incognito tab because for one: the worst thing in the world would be if the police showed up because god, i hated being an inconvenience. god, i hated being open, i was swallowing stitches for breakfast and regurgitating them for lunch. but two, two: i didn’t actually want to die. i wanted that incognito tab to reach the universe and display it for all to see. i wanted someone to unknit me like cloth.

it takes a very special kind of person to want to die, and i don’t have that. i am completely unremarkable up until the very moment that i decide i am not. i was going to say that no one truly wants to die, but i do not know the whole population and so i have merely decided that i am special. i am unique.

he bled out onto a towel. the guy, in the article. his roommate was gone, and he slit his wrists with something or other. the details are hazy; the details are always hazy. searchlights, flashlights, leds. slamming hips, calm down, this is your responsibility. i was fifteen and i loved you. 

he sat there for a long time waiting to die, i think. when i think of him, i imagine him in different ways. sometimes he is sitting down on the delicate bathroom tiles, head slumped against the wall as if he is drunk, a river made of his arm. sometimes he is standing and staring. sometimes he is sick with it, his mouth twisted in the cheshire cat’s half-moon, like my hollow laugh when i tore my neck open with my fingernails. satisfaction. art. paint on a canvas.

you are ill. you are sick. he realized his cut wasn’t deep enough. he realized he wasn’t going to die. something concurred in his brain, a dull conclusion: your roommate will be home soon and god forbid, god forbid anyone sees this. so he found a towel and he bled into that. and when he was done, he threw the towel away and hid his arms until his scabs became scars. no one asked about the towel. his roommate never knew. and his scars went undoubtedly deep.

i don’t think of him often, but when i do, i think about him very contemplatively. i know nothing about him. he might not even be a him. he is only this: dark-haired and faceless, sometimes with just that smile. i think of him as things: blood, an old towel, a dumpster, an empty bathroom. 

maybe he tried again and died. maybe he said he quit and he didn’t. maybe he continued on to a successful career and a happy life and a happy wife and he lived. i would like to think he somehow did all three. 

i love words. i love gashes. i love a mark. i love blades. you are so sick still, and the solution is always to stick a cigarette between your teeth and pull the remaining glass shards out. go deep. make it slow. draw it out. the only thing i have ever had that is purely, entirely mine is this. i love it and hate it in equal measure. i want to grasp it by the shirt and shake it until we are both screaming and bleeding and spitting, and then i want to hold it by the face and say oh my god.

i hope he didn’t try again. i hope neither of us do. but the secret is this: it is so hard being loved when i know that a year and six months ago, i could have done it with an efficiency that i can’t now. i could have done it. that could have been my blood, my blade, my arm. but there are too many people pulling at me now, saying no you cannot do that. and even if they don’t say it exactly that way, i understand. i understand why you keep telling me you love me, you miss me, you want me so bad it hurts. i know. 

(i love you, i miss you, and i want you so bad that it hurts. a healthy hurt. an in-love hurt. a hurt that doesn’t bleed when i want it to.)

instead, i knotted up my towel, scrubbed the blood from my teeth, and never said a word. but, oh, if i have learned anything, it is this: i have to put it down somewhere. so, hello. 

what a kinship we have, with our blades and our flesh and our quiet. a zig-zagged trail of white fingernail scars beneath the hair on my arm and the skin on my thighs. pink jagged marks on my ankle. the bulging scar on my upper arm. that is the only casually observable one, the only one that my mom asked: do you think we could get that laser removed in the future? 

no, mom. we cannot. 

i survived. oftentimes, that is not enough for me. but it is enough for others. i can accept that.

a cafe. a butterscotch frappe. a gentle push. a fall that doesn’t hurt as badly as it usually does. a summer night. a glow stick necklace. a heavy chest. a dynamite sunset. long socks. a good-bye that stops hurting. a corner table. valentine’s night. chocolate hearts. the ability to unwind a person slowly, to savor each piece and never get tired of it.

eighteen. still breathing. a graduate.

that is something i can accept.

[finnickodaiir]

.

[tvcheesecrocs]

ummmm yeah so uhhh hmmmm yeah uhnmmmmmm,,, yeahh...,.,.😳😳

source: TikTok

[ham1lton]

hi i'm the anon who sent the 6'5 feminist literature oscar ask the other day, back at it again lets go ummmm

toxic!yn sees toxic!charles liking risky ig pictures of her friends and commenting heart eye emojis under their posts. toxic!charles sobers quickly when he sees similar comments under his own friends' posts by his girlfriend, who is otherwise completely unbothered by his behaviour

charles who's on his "you know i could bag any of your friends right. you're so replaceable to me toots" streak and thinks he's so slick until he's hit back with "yeahh lmao i'm only with you to get closer with your friends sorryyyy"

charles who's expecting at least some sort of reaction from his girlfriend when he's an hour late for their date, only to be left waiting himself

toxic!charles who gets played like a fiddle by his equally toxic!yn and stays with her because of it

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I ENVISIONED!! toxic!charles loves it when yn beats him at his own game. like he gets obsessed with it. i honestly think if yn was a pushover, he wouldn’t stay with her. this is fun for him.

his following list is all of your friends and super hot celebrities. he takes boyfriend-esque pictures with hot fans. he insists on dropping you off to your brunch dates to openly ogle your friends.

he expects you to get super jealous. why is he following so many girls??!! but you don’t. you get home and are just… normal? then when he looks at your phone you’re texting your ex???

he knows you’re hot. he knows that he can’t say shit when he comments under ur friends’ pics. that doesn’t stop him from seeing red when half the grid are posted up in your comment section. he’ll unlock your phone and block them all.

yeah he knows it’s wrong but he never said he wasn’t a hypocrite.

i genuinely believe this is some weird kinky foreplay for the two of them. what weirdos. they go on a double date with stylist!yn and max? (can be any other couple you’d like) and are just bickering the entire time. he says she ordered her steak wrong. she tells him to shut tf up. then they leave early to go have sex in his car. leaving the two of you with the bill.

this is why no one likes them 😭😭😭

[tem-tem-timmy]

LONG AH POST EXPLAINING MY CLIVE OCS/RECOLORS/JOKES AND OR RELATED LOL

long post, also be warned they can be out ot pocket :smiles deviously:

ben handforth is clive’s lost twin cousin brother who is an alcoholic and is married to some girl named “where’s the pp” idk why he exists he just does [his design is so oh inspiring /sar]

cameron is a parody of those sans fangirls but with clive. she was made around late 2021 [this was before the obsession started], although now she is dating clive.exe in my shitty joke creepypasta

clive.exe is a bad creepypasta joke character. the creepypasta goes that he mudered larry da vinci in the sad song of clive handforth cutscene, murdered sackboy, murdered you, kissed ur friends irl, and married cameron. him and cameron make shark bomb survival levels

[emo] clive is from a joke megaman au me and my friend made. he is dating discord woodman and friend with discord cutman. his whole thing is he lives in homeless land due to be kicked out by clive. he is a pussy. he also really likes fudge stripes, gay asf

clivette is from an unfinished LBP3 level i made called “clive’s fidget spinner factory.” where basically clive decided to invest in fidget spinners but they are doing shitty in sales, and clivette will divorce clive if he doesn’t raise them. she literally just exists

yippy clive is just tbh creature with clive’s head on it. idk not much going on

sticky stickerson is a recolor spongebobified clive i made in 2021. he is clive’s bestie westie that loves his shitty job, wife and pet fly and dog thing. he also is pretty gullible and stupid as shit but he cares about clive and his other co workers

terry is apart of sticky and gang, she manages schedules and all that. she was going to be oc x canon thing but i said nah for some reason

charlotte is basically what terry was gonna be. she likes drugs and gambling and overall bad shit but for reason saw clive and was like “yeahh i like that one ☝️😍” and they’re dating or something

blue was a custom i got from my friend that was basically based off tem and clive. he is apart of tem story and they are tem’s uncle, he owns a mall in puffa fucka

clark was born from some shitty geometry doodle, he isn’t too significant he is just a fun design i made one day.

cliff was THE original clive furry. he has no lore or anything he just exists for me to draw [and i love him for that]

its literally just clive but as a flien [an og species i made]. idk why it has a toyhouse page this genuinely belongs in my trash alt 😭

neptune was based off a friends oc, but clive themed and personal lore. she has connections with blue but she’s kinda like cliff where they’re just a fun design i have

human sona,, his name is clive unoriginal ik,,, his lore is mostly around a group dubbed “the autism gang” aka human ocs i have weird attachment to

THATS ALL LOLLOLOL IF U WENT THRU THAT THANKZ Ummmm guys im normal about clive

[lostvampirezartz]

sketch of the dayyyyyy!!11

my friends avatar again bc ummmm yeahh

[stonyponyofficial]

by all known estimates, u are usually at most 7 very deliberately chosen words away from talking urself into or out of every scenario conceivable. this is onna those ummmm what do u guys call it. a law of the universe. yeahh go knock urself out kiddo!

[morororinnnn]

sup ✨ im gonna au-lore-dump on you again 🤭🤭🤭🤭

Grizz still goes through winter hibernation, it’s just shorter than a normal bear’s.

Like it lasts maybe a month or two or smth.

But it’s funny because he’ll wake up and be lookin like that uh that one frikkin bear or smth uhhhhh lemme

looks a bit like that. ruffled and crud

the only reason he really hibernates despite not really needing to is bc its just kinda.. ingrained?? instinctual? he gets really tired during a certain period and can barely stay awake so O.R.C.A. suggested it’d be best to just hibernate for a little while to relieve the sleepiness

after he like wakes up he’s still TIRED AS JINKLES and DOESN’T TALK FOR LIKE A DAY HE JUST SPENDS THE WHOLR DAY PRETTY MUCH EATING STUFF AND GROOMING

and then the next day he’s like nothing ever happened but yeah he’s just real eepy

since he’s scared about sleeping for�� ummmm reasons (coughcougharkpolariscoighcough) O.R.C.A. reassures him they’ll make sure nothing bad happens while he’s asleep, and he’s good w that and so he sleeps

also other thing

O.R.C.A. won’t allow anyone into the general area of Grizz’s room, and is on high alert to make sure nobody disturbs him. they really want him to feel safe and secure.

also when he wakes up they’re there to help him clean up a bit, which he doesn’t mind since he’s not real good at hygiene in general (forgets to take baths or stuff like that , O.R.C.A. reminds him or helps)

yeahh :3

byeeee

[puppygrldrool2]

yeahh thats persona fans 4 ya. im also curious what consoles did u have as a kid (if any, also handhelds!) - 😼

UMMM DS AND 3DS.... i had a wii!! Didnt use it for much other than wii-play etc and hunting games/just dance . ummm i still have my ds and 3ds! I got a dsi for christmas one yr but it got stolen at school ):and ummmm i used to have a ps3 but sold it for a ps4 so i could play persona :33333

[starrierknight]

YEAHH Im also a lesbian nd i've struggled with comphet a lot so thinking of them as men is a little icky to me. i start liking a character and i'm like woops guess ur no longer a man nor straight !!!

satoru for example like baby that's my bi gf idk what u want me to say. like just look at him!!

ur so real for this because ME TOOOO!!!!!!! fanfic is my lil comphet coping mechanism 😕💀 like the cutie patooties I write for??? wdym they are men??? gender? I hardly even know 'er! (or him.... but yeah)

they are drawings. sexy drawings w personality but drawings nonetheless LOL. they are whatever I want them to be on the day!!! they're just duckies to me.

and no fr. FR FR. you are so correct for this. Satoru is my beautifully disordered bi princess and his gender is uhhhhhh ummmm uhhhhhh drawing. pixels. delusions.

I love love love dining out on fanfic about silly little drawings

[khodorkovskaya]

life as an econ major: first impression

17.09.23

so here's the thing, the school year starts tomorrow but i still don't have my exam results... so am i actually gonna start my masters this year? who knows. i guess we'll find out tomorrow.

but the info session for this program took place on friday so i went despite the fact that i still don't have my results. and here's how it went.

so first we had a big info session for all the masters programs at the economics and management faculty. and there are like 5 different programs, we were about 50-60 people id say. the session was quite boring bc it was mostly for people who are new to the university overall. so they just like explained all the administrative stuff like how to sign up for courses, what moodle is, etc. so i didn't learn anything new. and i looked around to see what kind of people study economics and management. and i really felt out of place. idk, maybe it's my "not like other girls" syndrome or idk what. but i really felt like i didn't belong. contrary to what id imagined, it was mostly women. mostly my age and older. a couple of people in their 30s-40s too. but mostly like yeah, girlies in their mid to late twenties. dressed in skinny jeans. and michael kors bags. all with straight or straightened hair. the vibe was very much french, no offense... and the few guys who were there were also very french. like skinny jeans and hair that's like shaved on the sides. it was giving tiktok fuckboys circa 2020.

then we were split up into our different master programs. and our group only had 11 people. 3 guys, 8 girls. mostly foreign and like half poc. so there was me, a girl who just moved from spain who worked for this like eu organisation in paris, an indian girl who did econometrics and maths, a hijabi girl and a moroccan (?) girl who both did their bachelors here, a guy who just moved from lebanon, an asian girl who did international relations here, a girl who's doing a second masters, and a guy i went to hs with who studied in exeter. and that was quite awkward cos he came up to me like "heyyy you went to [school name], right?" and i was like ummmm who are you. and he was like "yeahh we had german and maths together". and i had no idea who he was. and then he said his name and that also didn't ring a bell at all. i was like bro i am so sorry.

so yeah, the head professor explained how the program works, like how many credits you need, what classes to take, etc. he was very cool and i started to get more enthusiastic about doing this actually.

and then we all had drinks in the main hall and i talked to the spanish girl, the 2nd masters girl and the high school guy.

and yesterday i looked at my schedule and registered for each of the courses on moodle. and... had a mental breakdown...

because it sounds like my worst nightmare.

first of all, im gonna have to write essays. i haven't written an essay since high school. i don't know how to cite. i don't know how to read either tbh. like how do i read a paper about economics?? i don't know what any of it means.

i looked at the syllabus for every course. and none of it makes sense. i don't even believe in inflation. like isn't inflation a deviantart fetish? and wtf is gdp. like.

secondly, 60% of the grade for these courses is group projects. again, i haven't done a group project since high school. it terrifies me. like. the responsibility of working with people. is terrifying. and you have to make a powerpoint presentation and write a paper. in a group! like.... how???? i don't know how to do either of these things.

and for the elective courses i was like okay im gonna pick the maths ones bc there's no way in hell that im gonna choose to write even more essays. but! the maths electives that i have are all programming! i don't know how to code! you need to know python! and like how to do like time projections and shit. ive only done matrix multiplication on matlab in like the first semester of my bachelors. i fucking hate computers and matlab was hell, i didnt undertand any of it, it was my worst grade. so how am i gonna do python?

another thing that sounds like absolute hell is coursework. in maths it was easy. you go to class (or don't, up to you!) and you have an exam at the end of the year and that's your grade. but here you have papers to hand in every week. and graded homework. and presentations. my lazy ass is actually gonna have to work throughout the year. i thought about it yesterday and cried.

anyway, studying economics sounds like a neurodivergent nightmare.

and okay i thought id stop there but!!! the topics that im gonna have to write papers on... y'alll.... i don't give a shit about the economic impact of russian sanctions like

how do i give a shit ????

and i looked at the first problem set and at first i was like oooo maths! looks familiar! but the thing is, i can't read. like whenever i see a word problem my brain just makes the internet dial up noise. wtf does this mean???

i showed it to my stepdad and he was like "huh that's easy, that's just cross multiplication". and guys. you don't understand. but i don't know how to do percentages. i don't know how to solve first degree diff equations. i can't do basic maths. i can only prove theorems on abstract topics and that's it. 2+2 i don't know her. what the fuck is a growth rate. like. i can't read.

fuck. i am so stressed.

[uraniumnm333]

HELP I FORGOT MAJOR LORE WHAT,, okay so like the protagonists are connected to their group from the original pjsk game in one way or another !!

ichika is the main character ofc but she mainly hangs out with honami and helped honamelon and shiho make up their friendship (past platonic breakup,, sadge) while saki also tags in soo they all become friends :DDD

minori is a silly lil witch!!! she is housemates with haruka, who is a hunter and hunts meat hahahaha. she also grew airi, and helps shizuku occasionally! they all meet once a month for a tea party <3

kohane met an first while kitsune an was stealing her bread lolz and then they both met akitoya. which is hilarious btw because toya was the former prince of the other nation so he instantly recognized an and was like "oh you're that wanted thief in my old nation" and an's like "OHSHITOHSHIT" but it's okay because they all become friends

yk the polysho lore,, the rest of wxs falls in love with tsukasa and fall in love with eaachother too

kanade is the receptionist for the knights with the zamuza outfit cause that card SLAPS YOOO and she keeps on seeing these three depressed idiots barge in the most. "return your book now k. thank you." "hi k can you pls give me some art supplies? ik your like a knight and all but yeahh ummmm also tell akito to fuck off tyty!" "HEY BITCH (affectionate) can i have sewing supplies plsplspslsp" it's absolute chaos

and uh, miku's kinda just there watching over everyone. she knows what everyone is.

shiho and akito were childhood friends. because i said so. they both decided to be a knight together. also i don't talk a lot about shiho but she's so aroace we love her.

also a BIG part of the lore (that happened during the main plot with ichika) is that the tenmas were holding an outdoor festival!! like a holiday for them BUT THEN the aoyagis sorta crashed it and turned it into a massacre! rui already got poisoned before this, but here's where akito almost dies and gets stabbed my god. a bunch of commoners died too yeah,,

akito also almost died like years before that from exhaustion. nothing new.

uhm. yeah

WRITE

A

FANFIC

PLEASE

[fudanshiatlas]

iiiiii hoopeeee we dont have an episode in front of our therapist again that would be ummmm yeahh

[medickaz]

Hai..ummmm I just saw your VKaz art browsing and I wanted to hear your elaboration on “Me and the bitch I pulled by having a dissociative disorder”

I’m curious…Yeahh. :3

Hello

(Spoilers for mgsv) i know ocelot and company brainwashed themselves and the medic (aka v) but his symptoms of being brainwashed and how they’re portrayed in the game go along w many dissociative disorder symptoms as well..

Ya

:)

[gleeblaineislife]

Blaine is half Filipino, Santana is Latino. Totally different. He’s not trans either. And autistic? I just am a little doubtful about your head canon, but it’s your opinion.

1. that's why i made them step-siblings. genetically, they both come from two different people. 2. they never said blaine was cis 3. yeah it's just a headcanon.

[freakvampiresex-2]

migraine again :/