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9tzuyu · 3 years

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children of tragedy (rewrite)

note: heyo, rewriting an old fic of mine. i hope to be able to rewrite all 5 chapters quickly. if you guys don’t like it, i won’t continue because its kinda dark and idk i feel like no ones gonna like it anyways. please leave feedback though, im on my knees begging for validation. also sorry if its ooc, please forgive me.

++ sorry the beginning reveals how rusty my writing is </3

(*** i wrote this as as a fem reader fic because it worked easier with how i wrote things.)

+ please remember that this is purely a way to get out my own feelings/struggles in a healthy way. also i’m sure this works better as a ship fic, but someone asked for this version so yeah :).

** mistakes are mine im too tired and lazy to proofread right now.

warnings: talk of alcohol abuse, slight mention of domestic abuse.

🏷 @peggycarter-steverogers

ch.2 | ch.3

[love, fragility, and the memories that eat us alive.]

meeting wanda changed everything for you. she wasn't like anyone you’d ever known. she was always kind, never quick to lose her temper or scream and yell at you for things you couldn't possibly control. she was warm, tender with everything she did.

your relationship with her was very new to you. it was much different in comparison to your past experiences — and you weren't quite sure what to think of it. there was no doubt that you appreciated her and everything she did for you, but you were still waiting for her to snap. it was almost like a need burning throughout your body. being able to grasp the idea that someone could ever really, truly be gentle with you was out of the question. in turn, you’d push all of her buttons, hoping that she would get mad enough and get it over with.

no one could really fault you for it. the steady stream of abuse was the nearly the entirety of your life, both physical and mental.

lately wanda was having to pick you up from wherever she could find you, most of the time in the alleyways of of bars you’d been kicked from.

once you were drunk enough (anyone really) you weren’t afraid to say the first thing that came to your mind, offensive or not – which meant it was no surprise when you’d been involved in fights. the alcohol numbed a majority of the pain anyway, so didn’t really make much of a difference to you.

with this happening so many times, you figured wanda would be angry with you – perhaps so angry she would find it within her to hit you. but each and every time wanda brought you home, she made sure you were comfortable before tending to your inuries.

what you didn't know was that being so worried for you all the time, every second of everyday, was beginning to take a toll on her. wanda only wanted to fix you, but you were making it more than difficult for her to do that.

she knew very little about your past, simply because you didn't like talking about it and she didn't want to push. but there was no denying the fact that wanda was curious.

sometimes she would ask questions, only between the soft moments the both of you shared. much to her dismay, most of her curiosities were turned down. on the rare occasions you shared brighter memories of your childhood, wanda would bookmark them in the back of her head.

no harm would ever come from her, but you didn’t know that. at least not right now.

too many times had your exes used the trust you’d so politely given against you. to be fair with wanda though, you shared only the brightest parts of your childhood. they were very seldom, but the ones you could remember were the ones you enjoyed talking about the most.

despite her limited knowledge, it wasn’t hard for her to tell that you’d already been hurt plenty of times before. apart from the fact that wanda was overall truly a good person, it made her even more gentle with you than she’d ever been with anyone before.

on top of that, wanda wasn’t stupid. she picked up on every little flinch you tried to hide, or the times you had to ask her if it was okay if you could do something on your own free will, and she definitely didn’t forget about the countless times you berated yourself over small, humanly mistakes. a frown never failed to decorate her face when these things happened.

wanda tried her hardest to make it known how much she loved you, and how she would never intentionally hurt you. she never once lifted a hand on you or raised her voice in the slightest, even when she felt like she’d met a breaking point.

the last few weeks seemed to be putting more stress on her than usual. the gashes on your body seemed to be cutting deeper and the bruises on your jaw and rib cage were beginning to turn a darker shade of indigo as each fight became more aggressive. your knuckles had been swollen, irritated to the point your hands trembled when your palms were held open.

you completely missed how drastically wanda’s mood had changed. she became quiet, seemingly lost in thought most of the time until she needed to take care of you. she grew tired, a purple tint claiming a spot below the lip of her eyes. fifteen pounds of weight had shredded from her body and her head grew dizzy every time she stood up. none of that mattered to wanda though, you were her number one priority.

alcohol was the biggest issue in the way. if wanda could get you to stop drinking for just one night she might be able to reason with you.

the brunette knew that was out of the question though, because she knew no matter how many times she told or expressed her love for you, you wouldn’t stop until you wanted to, not when she wanted you to.

you never allowed yourself to be vulnerable around her, so she never knew how you truly felt about the things going wrong in your life. there was an unbearable amount of pain when it came to confronting what you tried so hard to push away. the idea of allowing yourself to heal, to mourn the things taken away from you caused a lump in the back of your throat. living in denial was the easiest way to cope - that was as long as you could bear the damage it created.

(and whether wanda knew it or not, knowing that you were causing her so much misery was the worst feeling you’d ever faced. all she had ever given you was love and in return she was met with destruction.)

so once again you found yourself walking alone, a slight stagger between steps. it was cold, each breath exhaled from your lips could be seen vaporizing into the air. every movement ripped what balance you thought you’d gained right out from underneath you. the feeling of numbness in your fingertips brought your attention away from the fact that you didn’t know where you were.

the buildings all looked familiar, but everything was hazy. being drunk wasn’t always the fun everyone bragged about. too tired to carry on, you found yourself slumped in the back of an alleyway next to a dirty garbage bin. it reeked of sour, expired food, but you’d given up on caring about anything else other than trying to drink yourself numb.

your mind began to wander. flashes of early mornings with wanda’s hands wrapped around your waist, breath tickling the back of your neck while the sun began to rise started filling your thoughts. the warm feeling wanda gave you outweighed every bad emotion you could possibly think of.

but as you stared at the ground beneath your feet things began to spiral. your throat contracted, the guilt you tried so hard to swallow began clawing its way out of your body.

(and holy fuck you could not deal with this right now.)

you curled your head between your legs in an attempt to shield yourself away from something that was born from the inside.

it was too much.

without a chance to stop what was happening, your stomach began heaving. a mix of bile and alcohol drooled from your mouth as you continued to vomit.

you missed the sound of footsteps coming from behind you. the feeling of a hand on your shoulder caused you to jerk back, slamming your back into the brick wall.

“hey, hey, it’s me. you’re okay. it’s just me, wanda.” she cooed.

through teary eyes, you looked up at the woman in front of you.

she’s your girlfriend.

(but you weren’t sure that you deserved to call her that after everything you’ve put her through.)

“what are you doing here?” your voice wavered as you wiped your mouth free of excess vomit. you sniffled backing away from her.

she tilted her head, desperate to read what your eyes would give away. “i’m here to bring you back home. can you stand up for me?” you shook your head. you were too exhausted and dizzy from the alcohol to even think about standing.

“that’s okay,” she whispered. “here, i’m going to pick you up, okay? wrap your arms around my neck and your legs around my hips.”

“mkay.” your speech was still slurred, but at that point all wanda cared about was getting you home safe.

you didn’t remember the ride home or wanda carrying you out of the car to lay you on the couch. by the time she got the supplies she needed to wrap and tend to your wounds, you were completely passed out.

when you woke up you were greeted with a glass of water and an over the counter pain medication. you swallowed the pills and moved to set the glass on the coffee table, but wanda beat you to it and took it out of your hands. she smiled down at you, taking a seat next to you. she tucked your hair behind your ears, giving your face one last gentle stroke.

thats when you noticed her eyes were red.

you immediately sat up, crossing your legs and moved closer to her. you’d hoped to comfort her somehow, but the shake of her head broke sonething inside you.

you bit your lip, anxiety shooting throughout your body. she sensed your nervousness and took your hands in hers, rubbing circles on the outside of your wrist with her thumbs.

“i love you, you know that. at least i hope you do,” she let out a soft laugh. “but i can’t keep doing this.”

your heart dropped, and you could feel the all too familiar feeling of guilt building its way back up. you tried to speak, but wanda cut you off.

“i need you to hear this.”

when you didn’t respond she took the opportunity to continue saying what she needed to get out.

“i have exhausted myself to a breaking point. i can’t keep worrying about you every single night you’re gone. i can’t be there every time you need saving. i’m losing myself.”

she paused to check and see how you were handling her words. for once you weren’t shutting down. you were genuinely trying to process what she was trying to say.

(and she was so proud of you for that. she almost considered giving you another chance. but she knew for the better, she couldn’t do that. not to you, not to her.)

“i’ve packed your things. you can leave tomorrow morning if you wish, i don’t mind having you for another meal or two.”

she squeezed your hands and got up from the couch, allowing you to take in what she said. it was in that moment when you realized that even when she’d finally drawn the line, had enough, she didn’t yell at you. she wasn’t angry, she was just sad.

you were chasing after something that wasn’t there, and it never would be there.

and now you were able to register just how much you’d fucked up the one good thing in your life.

#wanda maximoff x reader #scarlet witch x reader #wanda maximoff fic #wanda maximoff x you #wanda maximoff imagine #avengers imagine #avengers fanfiction

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k1ng-for-a-day · 3 years

Note

Hello!!! I was wondering if you have any fluffy relationship headcanons for Danny Johnson (Ghostface), plz? Thank you.

OH MY GOD IM SO SORRY THIS IS REALLY LATE ITS JUST I HAD SCHOOL AND STUFF AND A BIT OF BLOCKAGE, BUT DON’T WORRY I GOT YOU COVERED-

Also (F/S) means favorite survivor!

A fluff relationship with Danny.... hmm... I’ll feature survivor since I think that would be fun.

🩸💔When you first encountered Ghostface, you were scared to say the least. From what you heard from your other team members he is known for being very, very stealthy, and will do anything to catch his prey. Nevertheless you had to put on a straight face before entering this hell hole.

🩸💔As you almost complete your Gen, you heard a very strange noise. It was like wind blowing against a bush, but everything was still. Nothing was out of the ordinary; so it seemed. You decided to check the area around you in order to remain ‘stable’. Though you were absolutely terrified of this killer, looking around shouldn’t be a bad idea... right? It would definitely eliminate the chances of sudden death, (and possibly relief your stress), but is it truly worth it?

🩸💔Upon further inspection there was absolutely nothing. Everything was fine, except that your generator was lower than last time. Wait... how is it lower? There was no one around from what you could tell, so how did this even happen? Maybe it was because of hex ruin, but you even checked if that was the case before doing the Gen. it must mean one thing; he’s here. He must be staring at you right now.

🩸💔With this realization in your head, you decided to hide somewhere near that area. What you wanted to do is wait until he lost interest to do it again. Your other teammates had already completed a Gen, but strangely enough none of them were getting hurt. It was immensely strange, unusual, and very intriguing. You decided to go back to your generator, and finally complete it. Two gens were finally completed, but no killer; Or so you thought.

🩸💔Suddenly, there came a noise in the distance. You jumped a bit, and slowly walked away from it. The more you walk away, the louder it got. You ran to the other direction, but it was still getting louder. You kept looking behind you, searching around the area, hiding in lockers, and hell you even screamed a bit, but there was no Ghostface. Nothing at all. At this point you were... confused to say the least. You decided to see if your teammates were doing alright, and your eyes beamed opened. Everyone of them were on a hook besides you. Somehow you were alive throughout this torment, while the others were being chased. It was strange how he kept you alive to begin with.

🩸💔You decided to unhook your teammates, heal them, and attempt to get some gens done before Ghostface would catch up to you. You checked if your teammates were alright, and they seemed to be fine- ‘wait... what is that heart beat? Aren’t I working with someone?’ You thought for a quick minute, and turned around slowly. There was nothing. You check the opposite side of the Gen, and there he was. Ghostface was staring right at you, probably smirking underneath his mask. You screamed.

🩸💔You quickly got off the Gen, and sprinted as fast as you could! You stared behind you, noting how close he was, and attempted to loop him as much as possible! You tried to distract him as much as you can, while noting how well the others were doing, but you were becoming weak! Your legs were becoming tired, and you were running out of breath. For a good 10 minutes you and Ghostface were at each other’s necks! Until you vaulted.

🩸💔At that single vault he picked you up gently. He put you on his shoulders and carried you to presumably a hook. You attempted to wiggle your way out, trying to find a branch or something to help you escape, but to no avail. You were helpless. There was nothing you could do. Fortunately, a teammate of yours were able to shine a flashlight at the killer, causing him to drop you instantly! You quickly ran away from him again, and he stared back at you with a possible frustrated glint.

🩸💔After a while you checked to see how many gens were done and there was one more to be completed. Strangely enough two people had died already, and one of them was about to be hooked. Sadly you were on the opposite side of the map, which made it difficult to save him. It was his last hook anyway. Now it was up to you to live through this nightmare, but why did it have to be you? How were you going to live through this? Questions like these spiraled around your brain for a moment, but you had to do something. You needed to escape quickly before he comes...

🩸💔You slowly removed yourself off the Gen you were working on, and attempted to find the hatch. Unfortunately enough the figure you implored not to see was right there standing on the hatch. He stared at you with a teasing glint, and was about to close it. You quivered, slowly approaching him, and tearing up. You didn’t know what to do at all. Everything you did for this team was for nothing. You put your fucking life into it while the others were doing nothing. But was it even worth it? Was all that hard work worth the punishment? What were you even living for? It certainly wasn’t for Ghostface, nor was it for yourself. You might as well give yourself to him and let him take it.

🩸💔Oddly enough he didn’t kill you. Instead he slashed you to the ground, picked you up, and spun around. It was really strange, but you didn’t mind. It was kinda fun to spin around until you were a bit dizzy.

🩸💔After that fun little moment of his, he finally spoke to you, “I finally caught you! You’re all mine!” He giggled childishly, and you kinda laughed along with him. Mainly you were a bit terrified of being slaughtered, but that wasn’t his intentions currently. He was just happy.

🩸💔”You looked so terrified dear! I kinda feel pity. But don’t worry, I’ll give it to you. You can have the hatch.” He said in a cheerful tone, and took a quick photo of you. It was weird how he quickly pulled it out just for you, but you didn’t mind. You quickly went through the hatch, but would regret it later on.

🩸💔Once you returned to the lobby, you decided to talk to your fellow survivors. Your friend group consisted of Claudette, Steve, Feng, Dwight, Felix, and (F/S). When you told them about what happened, they were all immensely shocked. They even thought you were joking. Usually Ghostface is such a terrifying killer, and him just sparing you like that? Unbelievable. However, one of your friends did believe you, and that was (F/S). They were completely convinced about it, and tried to even convince the others. The only one that was somewhat naive to believe this was Claudette, however Dwight convinced her that this HAD to be false. Steve and Felix were quiet, (and probably overthinking), and Feng was rolling your eyes at you.

🩸💔Later on Claudette, (F/S), and Dwight decided to join a match with you, however it wasn’t that fun. You didn’t see Ghostface and there was an insane Michael Myers after you. How great....

🩸💔In the end, you lost the match. It was really, really awful. When you told Felix and Feng about it, they felt empathy towards you. Hell Feng tried to teach you some new tricks, and Felix decided to give you a flashlight for your effort. He also tried to teach you one of his perks, however that didn’t go so well...

🩸💔You decided to go into another match with Felix, Steve, and Feng in order to find Ghostface. Again you were set with another killer; the pig. She was somewhat annoying, however you got used to it after a while. Her patterns were somewhat repetitive, and overall the match became simple.

🩸💔This repetitive joining matches, being disappointed, and ending up ranting to your teammates kept repeating on and on. It was getting annoying. And finally there was one last match. This had to be the luckiest one.

🩸💔The people with you were Felix, Dwight, and (F/S). Strangely enough (F/S) seemed more nervous than usual. They had some sort of warm blush on them, while the other two were simply talking calmly. You notice their blush and went up to them, trying to see what was going on with them. They stared at you and smiled. You asked, “are you ok? You scared?” but they didn’t say anything. They just smiled and chuckled a bit. Was there something on you? Then they replied, “Y-yeah I’m fine. It’s just somethings on my mi-“ suddenly the match was about to load. You could feel a cold shiver down your spine, and that sudden cliffhanger made you subtly intrigued.

🩸💔Luckily someone must’ve put in shroud of union because you were with (F/S). They slowly went up to you with that cute blushing face of theirs and spoke, “Hey S/O... I wanted to tell you this for a while, and it’s really hard to say this but,” they paused for a bit, “I like you a lot.”

🩸💔You blushed at that sudden confession. Where did this even come from?! How long did they have these feelings for?! Nevertheless you decided to stay quiet, practically stunned, and shook your head.

🩸💔You finally spoke, “well I...um...” you said nervously, but then you heard a slight vault. No, not a slight vault; a rush. The killer was near.

🩸💔”We have to get out of here now!” (F/S screamed, and you two quickly ran. Suddenly you saw Felix and Dwight making out completing a generator and you look behind you. There he was; Ghostface in his full form.

🩸💔As (F/S) ran for there life instead of protecting you, you stared back at Ghostface and decided to loop him for a bit. It lasted for about five minutes until you tripped on something. And he caught you right then and there.

🩸💔”Who was that person you were with? I heard what you two were doing....” he spoke in a very furious tone. It was strange since you only saw him once.

🩸💔”S-stalker,” you said accidentally, “why does it matter? They’re just my friend anyway.” He stared at you again, putting his knife against your throat and chuckling deviantly.

🩸💔”It’s so unfortunate that you’re my obsession, and that I could kill you right here right now,” he warned, “but your lucky I’m nice for today. I’ll let you go if you decline that dumbass love interest of yours.” Within his speech, you could sense a heap of fear lurking on your throat. You didn’t know what to do but oblige.

🩸💔As you tried to find (F/S), you spotted Felix opening a chest. Classic Felix, never change. You went up to him and asked if he saw (F/S) and he replied with a somewhat joyful response, “Actually yeah I did. They’re with Dwight right now working on a generator... I hope...”

🩸💔”Thank you Felix.” You bowed and left to find (F/S). Suddenly you heard talking from both of them, which was... strange. You slowly eavesdropped on them only to find (F/S) and Dwight having some sort of... fun...

🩸💔”(F/S) what the hell?! I thought you liked me!” You screamed out, and they stared at you guiltily. “Well, you didn’t say yes or no so...”

🩸💔”That’s no fucking excuse for your actions. You know what? No. I’m not accepting your confession. Hell Dwight, I thought you were better than this!” You yelled and quickly ran out of the area.

🩸💔Felix saw you running, and so did your biggest enemy...

🩸💔As you ran away, you could hear someone approaching you, but you were afraid of who it was. You took a peak and saw none other than Ghostface. Felix was about to approach you, but saw him in front of you. He was shaking from a distance.

🩸💔”So, you must’ve said no Hmm..? Good child. You deserve a treat.” The masked figure flirted. “Y’know, I think I want (F/S) to be camped. Hell, even moriied.” You told him straight to his face. He seem to smile under the mask and nod along. Hell he was even clapping. “Good good! I’m so glad! I’ll deliver your request in no time-“ you stared at him and spoke, “before you do, what’s your name?”

🩸💔”M-my name?” He asked, and looked around for any survivors. Felix was hiding behind a bush. Luckily Ghostface was smarter than to say his first name. “My name is Danny. Nice to meet you...”

🩸💔You replied, “S/O. Nice to meet you as well.”

🩸💔Felix then slowly walked out of his hiding place, and decided to keep quiet about what he heard. Once Danny was gone, he went up to you.

🩸💔”S-so how was (F/S) and Dwight..?” He asked. “Oh,” you spoke, “they were having some type of “fun” without us.”

🩸💔Felix raised his eyebrow and spoke again, “What do you mean by fun..?”

🩸💔”Well, (F/S) confessed to me, and then Dwight and them did things...”

🩸💔”That is such a bitchy move. I-I’m so sorry.”

🩸💔”Don’t worry. I’ll get my revenge, and maybe you can help my little technician.” You winked and told him the plan.

🩸💔Once you and Felix found the perfect Gen, you lure Dwight and (F/S) to it. As you were doing the generator, Felix ‘accidentally’ messed up, and you two went out of the area. You waited till Ghostface approached them with his stalking abilities and strike! They were both down within seconds!

🩸💔He then hooked them both, slashing them with his weapon one more time for good measure. Throughout the rest of the game, you and Felix completed other generators while the other two slowly died.... Or they disconnected.

🩸💔Back at the lobby, Dwight and (F/S) were mad at both of you. They also told Claudette, Steve, and Feng about the situation. Feng and Claudette sided with you two since they either felt bad, (or thought it was pretty intriguing). Steve, on the other hand, decided to side with Dwight and (F/S). Since then you never really talked with them too much.

🩸💔Ever since then, you tried to join matches to find Danny and chat with him for a bit. Sometimes Felix would join in with you and chat with him too, but he wouldn’t bother you two that much.

🩸💔When you talked to Danny, you started to learn more about him. He was actually really cool and loved to photograph things. His photography was AMAZING, and his overall aesthetic was spectacular. Additionally his writing was also very interesting. He mainly wrote in cursive, but without it was still very impressive.

🩸💔Sometimes, when the entity was resting or in a match, he would bring you to his old “shack”, and show you the articles he wrote. They were all beautifully hand crafted, and yet this seemed something like a story. It was like a fairy tale come to life, but this was a more murderous story. It was... thrilling. Besides that he seemed to show you more at any chance he could get. He should you photographs, articles, stories, scripts, and practically anything he could find that had his signature. Some of them, however, weren’t shown to you for whatever reason. Nevertheless you were patient enough to wait it out until one day...

🩸💔”Hey... Danny,” you spoke, “why won’t you show me some of your articles? Some of them even had this Jed Olsen person on i-“

🩸💔”I-it’s nothing! Absolutely nothing! It’s just a-an interesting name for a guy I know! Yeah! YEAH!” He chuckled nervously, with his obvious lie.

🩸💔You glared at him slightly, and he sighed. “Fine. Jed Olsen is my actual name. Some of the articles actually had my real name on them, and I didn’t want to tell you since I’m afraid you’d snitch. Since I kind of though you were a bitch.”

🩸💔”Whatever Jed,” you spoke, “why couldn’t you just trust me before? Like a week ago or something?”

🩸💔He paused for a bit, but finally explained, “Well I was afraid that you’d tell the other survivors since most of them are like that. Like I could tell Steve that Michael Myers is a man child, and he would tell the whole entire army of you. And then we’d get humiliated, shattered, and be live stock!” He posed dramatically, and you simply laughed at him,

🩸💔”Oh my god Danny- s-stop!” You cried.

🩸💔He giggled shortly after, with a slight smile underneath his mask. “I’m guessing you’re also craving something... else...?” He winked with a hint of flirting.

🩸💔”And what would that be?” You asked flirtatiously, somewhat replying.

🩸💔He chuckled chaotically calm, “you want to see what’s underneath the mask don’t you?”

🩸💔”Sure. If you’re in the mood.”

🩸💔Slowly he took off his mask, and revealed who he truly was. He shook his head a bit, and stared up at you with his dark, hazel eyes. His hair was this dark brown, he was overall a bit of tan. Just a slight hint,

🩸💔”Not what you expected huh?” He giggled. His voice was a bit more higher than what you were use to. It was somewhat cute actually.

🩸💔”Actually I kind of thought you would look like this. But not like... a twink per say.” You chuckled a bit, and Danny simply blushed in response.

🩸💔”S-shut up!” He exclaimed cutely.

🩸💔”Then,” you smirked, “make me, Jed Olsen.”

🩸💔”Bet.” He then slowly approached you, somewhat menacingly, and kissed you on the lips. His lips were soft, but tough in its own way. His kisses were a slight bit skinny, but overall enjoyable. He slowly hold you as you two kissed. His touch was mesmerizing; soft, and rough. He was so warm, cuddly, and just immensely cute! You scored big this time around!

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livesincerely · 3 years

Note

alriGht what about jacks dad becuase now im interested 👀

Might I offer you a scene in these trying times? ;)

00000

“Just because I’ve lost control of my life doesn’t mean you have to give up yours,” Davey says.

“You ain’t lost control of your life,” Jack says, which is so incredibly untrue and so thoroughly not the point that Davey could almost scream in frustration. “You barely had a life to lose control of⁠—it got stolen from you months ago.”

“Jackie,” Davey says, determined to stay on track. “I’m not saying I don’t appreciate it. These two weeks have been like something out of a daydream, and I’ll never be able to thank you enough for giving me all this. But I can’t let you sacrifice everything you’ve worked towards for me⁠—that’s not fair to you.”

“Davey,” Jack says, already shaking his head. “I’m not sacrificing anything I can’t live without. I want to be here, with you.”

“You say that now,” Davey counters. “But a few weeks from now? A few months? You’ll regret all the time you wasted worrying about me when you realize what you’ve lost, I know you will, and I can’t risk⁠—”

Davey cuts himself off, biting his lip.

He takes a breath, re-centers, then carefully continues with, “So, we should just stop this now, while it’s not too late. We can turn around, head back home, beg forgiveness... and go back to our lives.”

“Is that what you want?” Jack asks quietly.

“It’s what’s best,” Davey says. “We can’t run forever, so we might as well save ourselves the heartache.”

Jack doesn’t respond for a long time⁠—long enough that Davey thinks he’s not going to acknowledge what he said at all. But then he lets out a soft, whispering sigh.

“Do you remember freshman year, when my dad got outta prison?” Jack asks.

Davey's head whips around to stare at him, eyes wide. But Jack’s hands are perfectly steady on the steering wheel, his gaze fixed out on the sprawling highway before them.

Suddenly uncertain, Davey says, “Of course I do.”

“Then you remember how bad it was, right?” Jack continues, and it’s only the tone of his voice⁠—too perfectly controlled and even⁠—that gives away the depth of his feelings. “How I fell apart, just absolutely raging at everyone and everything, all the time? I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t concentrate. I stopped turning in assignments, then stopped going to class altogether, because what was the point? What was the point in anything, in pretending to even try, if they were just gonna give me back to my old man?”

“I remember,” Davey says softly, and he does.

He remembers it like it was yesterday, the worry and fear that welled up inside him, watching Jack spiral and sink under the weight of it all, how utterly useless he’d felt watching his best friend struggle and suffer. It’d been absolute hell.

“You held me together, Dave,” Jack says. “I wouldn’t have made it through that year without you.”

“Yes, you would’ve⁠—”

“No, Davey, I’m serious,” Jack insists, and even at this angle Davey can see that his mouth is set, grim and solemn, across his face. “If you hadn’t’a been there, I’m not sure what woulda happened. Because the others… they love me and they tried their best, but you were just… you were fucking incredible. You put up with all my mood swings, kept me from doin’ anything irreversibly stupid⁠—and god knows I considered doin’ all kinds of stupid shit back then, just desperate and panicking⁠. Half the time you knew what I needed even before I did, and when you didn’t you would sit there and listen and help me figure it out, or just keep me company when I couldn’t stand to be alone with my thoughts but also didn’t wanna be around anyone.”

“What, did I not count as someone?” Davey says, and he’s trying for a bit of levity, but the effect is ruined by the rasp in his voice.

Jack looks at him. It’s just a brief meeting of their eyes before he looks back at the road, but it feels weighted, a deliberate contact: like how it feels to have an arm thrown around your waist or a hand pressed against the space between your shoulder blades.

“You ain’t someone,” Jack says, the words ringing with warmth. “You’re more than just someone. You’re Davey.”

Before Davey can come up with any kind of response to this declaration, Jack continues with, “You were there for me. Not ‘cause you had to be, but because I needed my best friend to drag me, limping and sweating and bleeding and crying, through the worst year of my life. Because you loved me enough to make sure I got through it, no matter what. That’s what you told me, remember? That you were gonna get me through the year, even if you had to carry me along on your back?”

Davey nods, helpless to do anything else, his voice trapped somewhere in the back of his throat.

“So the only way I’m wastin’ my time now is if you were wastin’ your time back then,” Jack says, each syllable crisp and concise. “And, well, I wouldn’t blame you for thinkin’ that, but⁠—”

It comes tearing out of him: “You are not a waste of my time⁠—!”

“And you aren’t a waste of mine,” Jack smoothly interjects, and he’s smirking, just a little, because he’s an asshole. “Glad we could agree on that one.”

Davey blinks at the side of Jack’s head, realizing, finally, that he’s been thoughtfully outmaneuvered. For several minutes there’s nothing but blur of open fields on either side of the road, the wide expanse of endless blue sky above them.

“This is different,” Davey says, once he thinks he can manage the words. “I know you’re trying to make me feel better about it, but we both know this is different.”

“Don’t seem so different to me,” Jack says calmly. “Seems like we’re both making sure the other gets taken care of, however that has to happen.”

“It’s different,” Davey insists. “You needed someone to lean on during a rough patch, I’m dragging you across the fucking country. You’re putting your whole life on hold for me.”

“I would argue that I’m the one draggin’ you across the country,” Jack says. “You ain’t exactly puttin’ a gun to my head⁠—”

“Stop pretending like this isn’t a big deal!” Davey shouts, and the outburst takes them both by surprise. “Jack, you have to see that this is⁠— That this isn’t just⁠—”

“David,” Jack says, and there’s a world of feeling in just that one word. “You’re not gonna be able to talk me out of this. Because you were hurting. Because they were crushing you. Because you needed to get away from all of that and someone had to drive the getaway car. Because you needed someone to push you to go and keep you from talking yourself into a life of misery, because that’s what this is, you know? This is you feeling guilty about stealing even a fucking second of your happiness back, and I’m not gonna let them have you again until you can tell me that you actually want to go home, not just that you think you should.”

“You stayed,” Davey whispers. “Back then, with everything… you stayed. I made sure that you stayed.”

“And that’s why I needed you: to anchor me, to keep me steady.” Jack says. “But Dave, if they weighed you down with any more chains, you’d sink right through the ground. It’s different on the surface, yeah, but not at the heart of it. Not where it counts.”

Jack reaches over and places his hand over Davey’s, giving it a gentle squeeze, then leaves it there—their hands curled together over the console.

“Let me take care of you the way you took care of me, okay?” Jack continues softly, carefully. “Let me be the place where you hide, at least for a little while.”

Davey stares down at their joined hands for what feels like an eternity⁠⁠—until his vision goes blurry and his eyes start to sting⁠—feeling at once horribly guilty and terribly, terribly grateful.

With a shaky exhale, he squeezes back.

“Okay,” Davey says quietly, because there’s nothing else to be said in the face of all that is Jack Kelly. “At least for a little while.”

00000

#*ask #*editor's note #bits & bobs #run away with me fic #*the writing desk #javid #newsies #I still need to add some stuff to the top but I’m pretty happy w this one #thank you for the ask!#blessings on your house

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andreils-keys · 4 years

Text

kay so ive been taking prompts from my instagram and

why would you tell me not to kill one and if i do to bring him back please you’re taking all the joy out of writing >:(

anyways lets get into it <3 (tw: small mention of domestic abuse)

(disclaimer yes i am a kandreil shipper :))

andrew is cursed in the same way blue was sort of where if he tells someone that he loves them they’ll die (yes i changed it a bit)

but instead of doing the whole 'you're cursed zap magic' thing (bc i don't think it'd fit very well in the aftgverse) im gonna try something else

andrew had some pretty shitty foster homes when he was young

but the worst one was a small house by a family-owned ice cream shop

he remembers the ice cream shop very vividly. it was where he went when his foster mother was out working or drinking. it was where he went to feel safe.

he was pretty young, maybe 4 ? 5 ? impressionable. in that stage where santa claus and the boogie man were real, where hiding under a blanket protected you from nightmares. (he learned pretty quickly that hiding under the blanket did not protect you from anything.

he was bashed and battered with fists and words, words that cursed his very being and proclaimed that to love him was to die.

he was so young

he was only a child

and he did what children do best

he believed

there was a time when he doubted

another foster parent, a run down house made beautiful with love and mismatched furniture

the road to healing is rocky and dangerous, but easier to traverse when you have someone behind you

finally, he let himself love

he let his foster mother in, little by little, and he thought: maybe im not a curse

and he said: i love you

the day after, she died in a car crash

the car brutalized

her body brutalized

his heart brutalized

coincidence? he says out loud at the entrance of another foster home. because it needs to be said. because lies always become crystal clear when said out loud.

bc of this he's never directly expressed love for anyone and he tends to distance himself from people just to make sure there's 0 risk of him causing someone's death

but if he does care for someone he shows this through actions (no i love yous because that's what he believes caused his foster mothers death)

he's always had people he's cared about, people he's wanted to protect and keep safe

but ever since the car crash, hes never had anyone hes wanted to say i love you to

until

[enter kevin day]

the first person that consumed him was kevin, the boy that sought him out in high school with desperation in his eyes, raving about a sport that had made andrews days in juvie a little more bearable.

the man that always appeared on television with a cardboard smile stamped onto his face, always a step behind riko moriyama, always hiding in his shadow.

the man that inexplicably made yet another appearance in andrews life, this time with a shattered hand and a plea for help.

the man that pushed and pulled andrew just enough to get him through another day, another week.

and then neil, so different from kevin and yet so alike, as sudden as a gunshot, as tantalizing as death.

the boy that's as invested in riko and kevin as andrew is.

the boy that is impenetrable and distrusting, the boy that lets no one in.

at first andrew thinks he's safe. as long as neil doesn't let anyone in, that means andrew won't have to let him in. and kill him.

aha sike. turns out neil is the trusting-no-one-but-andrew-minyard-and-kevin-day type

the three of them form a twisted complicated pyramid; each side leaning against the other two. immovable. strong. inseparable, unless andrew deliberately pushes himself away when the feeling ballooning in his chest is too much.

(although he will always get pulled back in. the gravity of neil and kevin is too strong for andrew to stay away.)

he promises to protect them because that's what he does for the people he cares about.

but falling in love is a whole other ball game.

andrew is so afraid.

afraid to love them, afraid to let them in.

he knows he can't allow it; every time he thinks of how much he feels for them, he remembers the car, the shattered windows, the pieces of glass tipped with blood.

but andrew is only human.

even if he tells himself not to fall in love, the heart and body tend to ignore the mind.

he let’s himself be selfish

the hard press of kevin's lips against his, the gentle tug of neils fingers threaded through his hair, a hand clamped against neils neck and the other gripping kevin's arm.

that is all andrew allows

he doesn't mind if kevin and neil go gallivanting off somewhere on their own (s a f e l y; if those idiots get taken by the yakuza it would be extremely inconvenient for andrew)((andrew: dammit now i have to save them from the mafia nicky: you don't have t- andrew: no im gonna)), even if it prods unpleasantly at a sensitive point in his heart. if they're happy, hes happy.

(well, not quite happy. satisfied is the proper word. and he supposes that's the most he can ask for.)

he doesn't tell them about the nightmares. the dreams of fire and blood and twisted metal, of fists and a curse and a small, dark room. more often than not neil will wake to find andrew sliding out of his bunk and going to the kitchen for a bowl of ice cream.

neil won't pry, but he'll wake kevin and they'll join andrew in the kitchen, standing on the other side of the counter from andrew with their shoulders pressed together, a reminder to each other and andrew that they are there for each other.

and then neil disappears. like a dream. like smoke.

andrew took his eyes off neil for one second, and neil vanished in the crowd of angry fans.

they search and search but neil is gone.

all they find is neils exy racket lying on the ground in pieces, broken from the stampede of fans.

andrew whispers, the words dredged from a desperate, vulnerable place inside him: i love you. neil, i love you. come back to me. come back to kevin. come back to us.

the next day, the fbi tells them that they found neils gym bag. it was covered with tire tracks and spattered with blood.

they couldn’t find neil.

and the pyramid falls.

the grief and guilt and heartbreak andrew feels is unparalleled. never has he felt so broken. never has he felt so dirty. he did this. he did this.

kevin insists neil is still alive. lost and floating, but alive

but andrew knows better.

his nightmares get worse. sprinkled in with the mauled car and heavy fists is a shattered exy stick, a gym bag dripping blood, an unreachable figure with red hair and a slash of a smile.

andrew spirals.

he refuses to speak to anyone. even kevin. he'll stay with kevin and press his palm into the side of kevin's neck, his pulse grounding andrew and keeping him in the here and now, but he will not speak.

cabeswater brought gansey back right and i feel like the one closest to magic would be renee (thank you neils jortventures fairy magic huzzah) except she doesn't use magic.

so remember how she was affiliated with a gang when she was young

there was a member of the gang that continued to reach out to her, especially once they escaped from the gang a little after renee did

renee did respond to their messages, but she tried not to initiate conversation because they were part of her old life and she was living and loving her new one.

essentially she was nice enough not to cut them out completely.

unfortunately the kid got caught up in another gang that was closely associated with the butcher of baltimore

when nathan dies they text renee about how their gang is in pieces because the butcher is dead.

renee isnt there to receive the message right away (she and andrew were sparring, as they were keen to do now that neil was gone and andrew was out of sorts) and kevin is the one to catch the word butcher when the notification pops up

he scrambles for renees phone and sees: the butcher is dead.

he is so relieved because the butcher, the man kevin always had to fear and avoid, is dead

and then he starts to think

neil’s father was the butcher. does this have something to do with neil? was the butcher the one that took neil? if the butcher is dead, does that mean neil is still alive?

it’s a bit of a stretch, but kevin is willing to believe anything if it means that neil is alive

he tells andrew

he doesn't expect andrew to do anything but he still wants to tell him, just so that andrew will know, just so that kevin himself can taste the words.

kevin asks renee if they can reach out and she's like wtf y'all doing going through my phone but she understands how hard it hit them, andrew especially, and if it'll help them she'll go along

they meet up with the kid

renee seems nice enough, but andrew can tell how strained she is by the way she keeps cracking her knuckles one by one

they get the info from the kid about a red haired blue eyed cut up burned kid

kevin is distraught about the cut up burned part

andrew is close to vomiting from a whirlwind of relief (they never said he was dead) and denial and fear for neil

he refuses to get his hopes up; he said the cursed words. he saw the blood on neils’s gym bag. he saw the shattered exy stick. (or was that a dream? his nightmares and reality are so tightly interwoven he can hardly tell what's real)

the kid warns kevin and andrew that the last time they saw neil was in the basement and that the probablity of him still being there is relatively low

kevin makes a sort of impatient gesture at the kid and they bring kevin and andrew to the house (renee stays behind; she made a lame excuse about needing to make a phone call but she just wanted to give them space, either to reunite with neil or grieve their loss a second time)

from the outside, it’s a nice looking house and it doesn’t look threatening in the least, but andrew knows how deceiving appearances can be

once they go inside everything is in shambles. the couch overturned, the tv screen cracked in multiple places, ceiling plaster and pieces of porcelain all over the counters and dining table

the kid points them to the basement

kevin is the first to go down

andrew is surprised mainly because kevin is usually always so careful

andrew follows more warily, afraid to find nothing, afraid to find neil; afraid to have his heart broken all over again, afraid of the prospect that he has wasted his entire life living a lie.

he reaches the basement to find kevin wrapped around a small beat up, bruised, burnt, and shivering lump.

neil is hurt and bloody, and it drives a stake through andrew’s heart, but the fact that neil is breathing and alive alive alive causes a different kind of pain, the unique pain of relief and sorrow and love swirled together.

kevin is stroking neils hair and very obviously trying not to have a panic attack and andrew goes to them

sits down

both kevin and neil look up at him, and andrew watches as some of the fear and pain in their eyes fades.

he can feel the words bubbling up and he wants to say them, to scream them, but they are stuck inside his throat, twisted around his tongue.

it is a language andrew has taught himself to unlearn.

the road to healing is rocky and dangerous, but easier to traverse when you have someone behind you

it’s even easier when you have two people behind you, people who have seen what you have seen, people who make an effort to understand you.

andrew eventually does say it.

the words, no longer cursed, are still clumsy and fall in a messy jumble at his feet

but there they are, light as a cloud, heavy as a storm:

i love you

#aftg #all for the game #aftg hc #aftg headcanon #aftg headcanons #kandreil #kandreil hc #trc #bluesey #this wasnt supposed to be angst #and then it turned into kandreil angst #and honestly im not complaining

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littlecrowramblings · 3 years

Text

I often forget what healing with trauma look like.

It takes so little to trigger so much.

as simple as feeling frustrated

and having associated that feeling with danger,

explosive anger,

and uncertainty.

When im triggered,

it’s like I’m being transported to another world.

In the world,

nothing feels safe anymore,

things start to spin,

my heart starts racing,

and I get the numb/shakey feeling in my limbs,

like I need to run and hide.

my wonderful fight or flight response,

trying to protect me from what’s already passed.

it’s like a bag is pulled over my head

and I’m underwater.

No longer able to see clearly,

the air stings in my lungs,

and every fiber of my being

has sprung into survival mode.

terrified.

I feel like I start to drown,

amongst all the panicked thoughts spiraling

so out of my control,

and trying to bring myself back to reality.

the reality, being that I’m safe

and what’s going on is C-PTSD.

It’s like being in a maze in the dark,

when you’re inside;

you can’t quite make out the walls around you

or remember which way you’re going,

or where you’ve gone.

but from an outside view,

it looks pretty clear,

more obvious.

I haven’t figured out how to pull myself out

of the past when I get the flashbacks.

I don’t quite know how to self regulate,

to calm myself down,

and start seeing more rationally.

It’s not until I’ve talked about it in the panic,

and am able to take time and feel safe again,

that I can start to see the maze from another

point of view,

without the C-PTSD.

So much of what I experience,

reminds me of my mom

and I start to wonder if this is similar to

what she goes through.

and if it is, I’m afraid I’ll end up the same.

I’m actively trying to change my thought

process,

I’m learning how to self regulate.

and I cannot imagine how hard it must be

to always pick my pieces up with me,

for my other half.

It is not easy.

Healing is not pretty,

it is insanely difficult,

and there are a lot of times it’ll feel like

you’re failing, or not doing something right.

it’s learning, and with learning there are mistakes,

there are still bad days, and that’s completely

normal and okay.

Healing from trauma and ptsd feel like I’m trying

to rewire something that I don’t really

understand the mechanics for.

but I’ll keep trying.

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j-mysticalien · 3 years

Note

🔫 the oc content, hand it over /lh

you don’t have to if u don’t want to lol I just saw you said something about ocs and 👀 I am interested

FIRST OF ALL 🥺🥺🥺

SECOND OF ALL OKAY OKAY HERE TAKE IT

(I ended up dumping a lot ... I saw the opportunity and ran with it I didn’t mean to oops)

These guys have been in my head for y e a r s and even though I'll abandon them for months at a time, there are plot points I've forgotten, it’s very very unfinished, and clearly influenced by my freshman year interests, they're some of my favorites to imagine and write like every time I do a picrew chain or something I make them too for myself okay okay-

So. Exposition. For ages the demons and dark things have slipped between the veil and into the world. As evil rises, so do those who stand against it. In some parts of the world The Order was established not to eradicate or wage war against the demons, just to keep everything in their proper dimensions and destroy those who refuse. Members of the Order work in groups with assigned roles, often passed down generations. 1: trained in the physical aspects of fighting creatures, they have the unique and mysterious ability to survive in the other dimension-at least better than the average mortal. 2, “Alchemist”: Usually a witch, human descendant of a magical being, or a particularly skilled mortal even. they provide the magical aid since the other cannot perform magic themselves. (Though Witches tend to form their own communities or work with the demon realm which historically has caused tensions) While fewer and well hidden, this secret society guards the mortal realm to this day...

There’s a small, quiet town in the northeast. Nothing much happens- the power may go out or the weather may turn within seconds and figures may appear and shift into the shadows but it all turns out fine eventually. Nothing to worry about. But those who know a little too much know where to go when things need to be taken care off. Bloom’s Florist and Garden Shop, a sweet little store in the middle of town staffed by the owner’s two teenaged kids. They’ve got a lovely selection of flowers and herbs. If you hear noises from their basement, best to ignore it. If you see the kids sprinting down the street, best to stay out of their way. If they tell you to avoid the woods one night, you listen...

OCS MY BELOVED HERE THEY ARE

Dante Achilles Sindweller. He is type 1. He’s tall, thin but muscular, almost dangerously pale. His hair is blue, eyes blue though they sometimes look red. Riddles with piercings and pale scars. Cocky bastard but well deserved. Friendly and deadly all at once. He’s good at what he does and is always up for a challenge. Low key high key losing his sense of humanity. You see actually being in the demon dimension is draining because of the pure chaos of it but returning to reality is rough too. Because of the hunter’s ability (I’m pretty sure they have this ability bc the og demon hunters secretly fucked a bunch of demons so Hunters have demon blood and cannot “die” in the hell dimension but idfk at this point) they can adapt to the word with a combination of demonic attributes and idealized forms that disappear when he gets back. So um the mental toll is very much a thing that he hides very well...at least at first. He doesn’t actually have to travel too often thought, just during emergencies and later he genuinely visits some chill demon friends there.

Cordelia Emerys Bloom, “Cordie”. 5′2″, dark brown skin, black hair she keeps in two short braids, round rimmed glasses. She’s the alchemist. a few of her far off ancestors were fae. Her own magical battery is low so she’s become skilled in working with. potions and magical plants. She’s the most serious member. of the trio. She knows the job, she has a rhythm, she doesn’t like change. This group had three braincells and 90% of the time she has all of them. She likes her plants, her books, and Dante. She’s a little high strung and stubborn but she’s clever, intelligent, and really warm person once you get past her shields. She grew up way too fast and with all her adult figures gone, Dante slowly slipping (though she denies it to the point where Alice bright it up and they didn’t talk for a week), and this irritation turned fear that Alice’s presence is temporary leaves her with some issues but it’s okay im determined to let her be happy, she just has to let herself accept happiness.

Alice Barnet. A witch. Thick, bright red hair, hazel/ blue eyes. Absolutely stunning. and a fashion icon. She moved to attend to uppity private school right outside of town. She stumbled upon the shop and immediately sensed the great power hidden in there. So she just walked in- because of the dimensional portal not because the girl at the register she saw through the window was so pretty what are you talking about it was witch instinct only- and announced herself and offered her services. She’s a flirt, though a sincere one. She projects a confident, fun vibes even if she doesn't actually feel it. Fake it until you make it I guess. Coffee addict will memorize your birth chart, Starbucks order, and all the little behavioral things. Most of my early drabbles with her involve her sitting on Cordie’s desk sipping her iced coffee while Cordie is like “how tf did you get in here” “good question. Better one: they didn’t have the black tea you like is green okay?” She actually is part of an informal coven but that’s a whole side story with its own cast of characters I haven’t touched in ages

Dynamics dynamics so Cordie and Dante are siblings in all but blood, they’ve been together for almost their entire lives. (Cordie’s parents are almost always away-either on Order business or just vibing idk they’re cool though. Dante’s parents are dead but only Dante himself seems to know that-Something about demon blood and dimension hopping doesn’t let their kind live long) They’re really close. If they met at this point in life they probably would never have been friends and Cordie probably would despise him but as they are they love each other and *know* each other. Technically Dante is older but Cordie is the eldest sister of the relationship.

The two of them have opposite reactions when Alice enters their life. (This entrance is one of the few *full* scenes I actually wrote down) Dante is allured-not by her but by the potential adventure she represents. She states her case and he’s like oh this’ll be interesting. They become best friends almost instantly. Their sass, confidence, and more adventurous sides click harmoniously- much of the time to Cordie’s dismay. To Cordelia, Alice is something unknown, something potentially dangerous. She makes her assumptions (prissy, incompetent, entitled, inexperienced) and tolerated her. Alice has had a crush on her since day 1. She was determined to prove herself to the group and really she’d just like to get her trust and friendship at some point, gushy feelings be damned. They fall in love slowly, they learn to trust and be weak and learn to know each other and be themselves Alice is genuinely interested in all the stuff Cordie knows about the magical world and Cordie gets to try to be a person outside of that world. The recent stuff I’ve actually written down involves a lot of sleepy conversations and whispered confessions and soft touched and hhh

Some of the non-human characters

“Lady”: the ghost that haunts the basement/ Order base. She can’t really speak and isn't always visible, never fully. They don’t know who she was or why she’s there. She helps out when she can though. Might help Dante in the very end.

All of the actual demons are off ideas. Like each deadly sin has it’s own demon (they didn’t realize some humans had grouped them together for some time but they think it’s funny, sometimes they hang out just because of that) The gang doesn't directly meet a lot of them but

Curiosity aka “Apple” aka “Heather” aka “Bee”aka...:The spark that fuels innovation ne the spiral of a downfall. frequently visits human world, team switches between stopping them from blowing up a building to playing Mario kart together. Like he definitely causes trouble and should not keep escaping through the portal but like...he’s fun to got to the mall with. Funky Lil dude who’s there for a good time and some chaos. Changes aliases all the time.

Nostalgia aka “Honey-Lavender”: the kind that leaves the ghost of a smile on your face, the kind that drowns you in the past, the kind that makes you want to go back, or forget. mostly stays in hell. One of the demons Dante visits and is acquainted with. They lay and talk. She can be a downer but he doesn’t mind, he appreciates the company and some days she keeps him tethered to his life and sanity (on the bad says she has the opposite effect, she can’t help it)

OKAY AHAHA THATS ENOUGH OUT OF ME THERE THEY ARE THANKS

#OH BOY UM OKAY #j mysticalien ocs #I’m cringing putting some of this on here but #j mysticalien speaks #Dante Cordie Alice

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sn0tcl0wn · 4 years

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all im sayin is that i was on those boards ten years ago back when i did actually think it was a joke and because they assumed i was a straight white boy they actively did shit trying to induct me. the joke thing was one of the first ways they got me in and one of the first ways they taught me to normalize verbalizing my bigotry and hate. it was always just supposed to be a joke but then one day i realised it actually wasn't and never was and i was in danger and spiralling down into a really bad place of self hatred and internalized bigotry i'm still growing and healing from to this day. i was friends with and even dated those kinds of guys most of my teens. they're not all outright pure evil and a lot of them aren't actually violent or outwardly hateful if you're white and conservative enough for their liking. they can be very kind and when those people say it's just a joke, you tend to want to believe them. and that's why they're taught that. because they know no one will just assume they're racist (especially when they were hangin out with me). but there always comes a time when they have to admit it isn't a joke, even if they don't realize it. they always expose themselves in their actions or even in some of the "nice" things they say. we need to stop shrugging off these "jokes" because not everyone is making them for the edge-factor like when i was a kid and was introduced to the kinds of people who hurt me for existing and eagerly tried (and in the case of an ex, bragged about) making me a traitor, and the people who are going into those boards for the lulz not realizing it isn't a bunch of trolling edgelords but the real deal using that language and culture to thrive and indoctrinate young, lonely, and naive people. we cannot just let them make "jokes" anymore. satire without meaning is not satire, it's just punching down and being a dick for the sake of your own amusement and the amusement of sadistic warped minded fucks like you. and the rest of society got dragged into it cause deadass no one wanted to think little timmy down the street who likes to goosestep in the park to get a rise out of people is an actual nazi even after he tells his mixed race girlfriend to stop being such a n*gger in public. no one wants to assume that shit ever because it's scary and sad and we all want to believe people are inherently good and that bigots are a rare breed you hardly encounter in the modern age but i think it's high time we fuckin start jumping to conclusions more because i know too many people who got away with that shit for too goddamn long because it was "just a joke". we go on and on about how we fought a war to keep nazis out but then the majority of people encounter honest to god nazis and have no fucking clue how to even determine that because they're too busy coming up for other less gross reasons for why that person is saying those things. and for every edgelord who's just joking, a dozen fash bastards are jumping in and hiding behind them because "well she said it and she clearly isn't a nazi so idk why i can't joke like that too" and everyone goes "yeah that's fair" even if the person saying that escalated the conversation to a point where someone spoke up with concern.

listen i could go on and on about the joke thing. it's one of the most harmful things to come out of cybernazis because it's so fucking innocuous and impossible to argue without even the most decent and level headed person in the room telling you to just take the joke and move on with your life. they all tell you to let it go every time because most people don't notice. you only notice if you were on those boards or actively educated yourself on how they behave. and that's why it's so scary to me. i know for a fact it isn't just a joke but people won't even believe me because "well if they really were racists why did they hang out with you?" as if the token queer mixed dfab person isn't the IDEAL bigotry shield for teenagers and young adults trying to get away with their nazi bullshit when they know damn well their loved ones and authority figures won't stand for it. it's most likely why they all seem so normal until they hit their twenties and have more freedom even tho if you asked their peers or looked at their online presence, you'll see the warning signs were always there and they were actively taught to hide it. and i can never stress enough that one of the first things you learn when being inducted into cyberfascism is that it always needs to be "just a joke" even if it's not.

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dreamsicledream · 5 years

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Monsters in the frost pt 1 and 2

Heres my recent writing piece Monsters in the frost. I worked very hard on it. I’m posting both parts please enjoy and if you can reblog or send me a message with your opinion

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Pt 1 - Monsters in the frost

Ice began to spread across the mirror like surface of the lake and a blanket of pristine white snow. Yukon frowned his nose wrinkling. Winter was here too soon. It was unusual. How could it reach this cold in mid sepetember? Yukon leaned forward letting the water lap at his fingers in a part where the lake hadn't frozen. His mind was already whirring and turning over every possibility of what might be happening. The Increase in monsters... the cold was it related? He felt a sick dread knott at his gut as he removed his hand from the water. Strands of hair as white as the pristine snow fell in his face and he began to twist them around his nimble fingers tightly. His nose wrinkled as he ran over more thoughts. Were the monsters affecting the temperture? Or did the temperture signal that were monsters were coming? They were already struggling with the number they had. Vern could only handle so many even with the small blessing of foresight he had. Should they call in help? Should they have gotten someone to investigate the phenomenon?

Spiralling more and more as he tried to figure out what to do in his head, Yukon barely noticed his tail thrash breaking up the ice with each slap. He didn't even hear the footsteps approaching the cold snow until he heard a voice.

"Hey fish breath you going to continue to splash everything?" the snarling voice called from behind him. He whipped around to see.... Vira. Vira stood at the lake's edge hands on her rather large plump hips glowering at him with the constant look of mild annoyance she always wore. Her long pink toned hair had fallen out of the bun she always wore it in, now laying past her shoulders with various leaves in it. Her foot tapped with the same sort of foul attitude he was used to.Despite Vira's well unpleasantness, Yukon sometimes had to admit she was pretty useful for one of their resident monsters. Well monster was a harsh term except he had seen her change. When Vern was absent or busy they could bribe her to help out.

"Vira. Its the same pleasure as always to see you here" he retorted letting go of the hair he had been twisting to look at her and making his way over to the lake edge across the icey currents.

"Oh cut it. We both know no one looks forward to my presence. Shut it with the false flattery fish sticks" she huffed rolling her eyes. The pattern of her skin which resembled a whirling storm over the sea changed, flicks of lightning flashing across it. Oh he knew something had her in a worse mood now. He'd be lucky if he didn't see the claws forming if e didn't aggravate her more.

"Okay Okay Vira. What brings you here?" he sighed placing his hands up defensively.

"The magic in the area feels gross. So mister I know everything, fix it. also another monster interrupted my enjoyment of my snacks so I'm definitely going to filet you if it happens again! Ugh do you know how long I waited for my fresh donuts?" she snapped her fangs flashing. He sighed his shoulders dropping. Vira's ability to sense the feel of magic, had brought useful information. Yukon considered prying but he glanced at her scowl and impatient tapping . Best not to annoy her more. However he did know his own way to get information out of her. Vira was rather easy to please after all.

"Okay Vir I'll get to investigating it. So far I don't know anything. I'm the town mage not the the town detective. Why don't we go down to the bakery and I'll buy you a new box and you give me information about the sensations you're experiencing in the local magic" he said hoisting himself out from the water and on to the snow. His voice oozed charm and he flashed her his best smile knowing bribery would get him everywhere with her. Her eyes glittered and the patterns on her skin shifted. The usual stormy pattern changed to a more clear sky and she gave off a soft glow with her pointed ears twitching.

"... Its a deal" she mumbled and before he could ask immediately got his wheelchair which had been fitted with little bits to ensure he didn't dry out when he had to traverse the land. In one movement she picked him up and sat him down. He blinked a bit surprised at her speed. He chuckled after a moment.

"I'm so getting you the limited edition ones" he hummed.

"So why don't you ask the catpaw corp or whatever to help out with figuring out whats going on?" Vira asked waving her hand as she wheeled him to the village rolling her eyes. He leaned back looking up at her with a frown.

"Why don't you ask your father, mister developer of curses and researcher of immortality?" he asked but then regretted the words the instant he said them. He had forgotten in one split second about... her family issues. He could see the pain in her expression the minute he said it. He could feel her grip tightening on the chair almost enough to crack the handles. She looked away to hide her face.

"Shut up" she snapped a small quiver in her tone. He felt low. He didn't get along with Vira... no one did but that was too far. He regretted reacting so defensively. He tugged at his sweater as silence settled between the two... a heavy silence that felt like a large divide. He didn't have any answer of what to say to make things better. an apology didn't feel like enough.

"I ... wasn't thinking. Im sorry. We can do this on our own I just feel" he mumbled sinking down in his seat after what felt like minutes stretched into one long eternity of unease. She didn't reply. He had expected some sharp snap or just something. Maybe an insult... but instead he got nothing.

The rest of the time on the way to the bakery was seeped in that silence that made him feel disgusted. He wanted to hide in the lake again. She didn't even say anything as she opened the door to the warmly lit bakery. He twisted his fingers in his scarf.

"Can I get one of all of vira's favorites?" he called to the baker who just raised a brow and nodded. The baker scampered off in a second and Vira wheeled him to one of the tables.

"Vira. I'm sorry" he sighed. She glanced at him as she took the seat across from him.

"You say it again im leaving you in the snow" she retorted "I'm adding a milk boba tea to your tab". He felt immediate relief when she responded finally. Yukon paused a moment though thinking of how to ask her the questions he had about the local magic. He needed to know what felt strange to her but it was hard to understand something he never quite had an experience with.

"Vir? Okay try to explain it to me whats wrong with the magic" he mumbled.

"It feels like its falling apart... unstable. You know what I mean? Like something is causing it to fall apart and just spike and wane uncontrollably" she tried to explain as she got up to get the sweet baked goods from the counter and brought them over to the table. He began twisting his hair around his fingers again. Could magic instability effect the weather this badly? What did it have to do with the increase of monsters. He thought the creatures weren't the same as vira's species or at least he was pretty sure so they weren't made of raw magic.

"Does the magic feel similar when you encounter monstes?" Yukon asked plucking a sweet from the plate. Vira nodded as she stuffed a glistening donut frosted with a pink glaze in her mouth. The gears in Yukon's mind began to turn. He felt like he was on to something but he didn't have the full grasp on it yet.

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Pt 2 - Monsters in the frost

Yukon's fingers tapped along the side of his cup. He felt his brow wrinkle as he stared into the depths of the coffee thinking. It felt like he was turning over a puzzle box in his mind without all the pieces. The magic around the creatures was off but what did it mean? Was it decayed magic? Or merely some sort of more dark magic twisted in some manner? Could the creatures be beings made of magic or maybe were they synthetic? Every question turned in his mind as he tried to piece together what his next course was. They could capture the creature maybe... vern wouldn't agree with that as the town protector but... if it led to answers maybe he needed to do that. He stared down into the depths of the cup thinking it over more.

"Vira... Could you track one?" he asked quietly as he leaned forward in his wheelchair, his icey toned eyes met her sea blue ones "I want to catch one... to figure things out".

Vira leaned back scrunching her brows together in a more thoughtful look than her usual glares. She stirred her coffee crumbling a little cookie into it.

"Yeah of course i can fishfilet but your idea sounds pretty peak dumbass. Youre not exactly combat skilled in a wheelchair. Im guessing you know lovesick fool vern isn't going to agree either especially considering hes kind of getting a family started" Vira noted rolling her eyes as she mentioned vern "... I'll do it. Guess I'll have to be your big guns too? We'll have to get one out of Vern's radar though. Hes quick when it comes to sensing them and getting there to take care of it"

She was right. They'd need to find one far enough from the village, Vern wouldn't get it. He took a swig of the coffee in his hands wondering if his closest friend would see this as a betrayal. He set the cup down and raked his fingers his hair. His eyes glanced out the window watching snow drift down in glistening crystals covering more of the town. if the monsters and weather were linked... it was more important to fix things than worry about hurting his friend's feelings. The shifting of the weather could leave their town lower on resources.. he dreaded the idea of the village running out of food.

He didn't realize his expression had scrunched up so much until Vira flicked a tiny folded paper napkin at him breaking his focus. His gaze flitted to her. Her pink hair fell in wavey strands in her face and deep blue eyes gazed at him from behind large owl rim glasses. Her round features made her glare a bit less frightening than she probably intended and her rounded nose wrinkled as she stuck her tongue out at him before getting up.

"We better get wheeling. I've got business this evening" Vira said before he could even ask her to come with him like she knew he would. His tail flicked with a slight amusement before resting in its usual spot on the wheelchair once again.

“Thank you Vira. So where are we headed?” he chuckled with a grin at up at her as she made her way to behind the chair.

“Theres a little art studio well outside the village. Its way out of Vern’s range and I can sense there might be a monster on the way there. We could take advantage of the fact its a repurposed store room and use it to box in the creature possibly. Worst case, you could probably enchant some rope to hold the creature. Still the large space gives us an edge.” she mumbled flicking a few strands of pink hair back. He nodded as she wheeled him out of the warm golden glow of the bakery into the glistening white. The cold air stung a bit. Yukon could see the warm whisps of his breath dance in the icy air before disappearing. His fingers tugged at the fabric of his gloves as the snow crunched beneath the wheels and trails of snow formed in their wake as they made their way through the winding streets like a maze of snowy cottages. He could see families in their homes lighting the fires, and preparing the thick winter blankets all around him. The hints of oranges from the windows the only thing breaking up the white that seemed to stetch over everything. The further they got to the edge of town the quieter things got. He no longer heard people humming as they got carried their firewood or talking as they walked through the cold. Oranges stopped laying across the pure white leaving only an empty expanse before them instead of the usual fields. It felt like it went on forever.

Vira who had been quiet began a soft tune in a language he hadn’t heard as they walked. He felt his jaw drop agape. She never sung. Or at least he hadn’t ever heard her sing. Her voice was soft, high pitched in a sort of gentle way as she sung. The wind whistled an accompaniment to her song. He didn’t want to say anything to break the moment. He just wanted to listen.Yukon couldn’t help wondering if this was her native language she sung in. He knew she didn’t speak her culture’s language usually. There were…. issues with her and her own culture. He knew the sort of hate in her expression whenever she spoke about how she grew up in short moments. Her mother… had regrettably passed leaving her in the care of her father. Her father was a man whose obsession was his research and his first wife… her sister’s mother. Well half-sister to be more exact. Her half-sister was the golden girl of the family. Praised and adored by so many who met her no matter what she did while Vira had always struggled to just be worth some shred of praise. Eventually that enviroment hit some boiling point. Something happened Vira didn’t ever speak of and she had ended up here… researching magic from the catacombs under the city, that he understood was forbidden. He had asked her about her research and magic more in depth but she’d shrug it off. Sometimes when he asked she’d be colder and sharper than usual aiming purposeful insults to push him away. She didn’t lie to him though. Thats the thing despite all her oddity… she and vern would never lie to him to manipulate him. They might beat around the bush or be clumsy socially but he knew they had no sort of talent with manipulation or lies. Vira would tell someone to shut up and shove it before lieing and Vern well… Vern was just the world’s worst liar. He could trust them. Even if she protested, Vira would always defend him and Vern.

He chucked a bit at his own nostalgia which caused Vira to stop suddenly. He lurched forward in his seat at the sudden stop and turned back to look at her. Snow settled on her pink eyelashes and the rim of her spectables, Her deep usually teal skin tone had shifted to a more soft lighter blue that cast a small faint glow across the snow. The little cloud like pattern of her skin seemed absent of thunder currently although he could see one or two as she glared at him pressing up her glasses.

“You interrupted my song” she huffed.

“Sorry I was just thinking about things. Nostalgic sort of sensations” he informed her. She stuck her tongue out wrinkling her nose.

“Sentimentality? Gross. “ she replied as she continued wheeling “I’m just going to toss you in the first pool of water we find if you keep this weird stuff up”

“Oh? How cold. How could my favorite witch do this to me? Toss me cold and alone into the waters of the winter where I might become some fish popsicle.” he said dramatically with a grin playfully.

“Keep tempting your luck. Just go on. I know you like the ice. “ she retorted with a little grumpy huff that created a little cloud of warmth when she exhaled. He couldn’t help grinning more at her obvious annoyance.

“Well then miss lovely Vira are we almost there” he hummed leaning back. He watched her ears wiggled and her skin shift to shades of bright teals across her face. Embarassment? Well that was new.

“Shut up! Oh my god you’re such a wind bag. We’re really close now” she snapped and immediately tried to adjust his view forward. He chuckled again a bit quieter this time to himself as he watched the shape of the artists studio come into view as they rolled down one of the hills decorated the countryside. Large skylights decorated the slope roof, probably letting in the light of the setting sun into the large building painted with scenes of vibrant places he had never seen along its concrete walls. It stood out, a burst of color in the quiet. The walkway was just as colorful. It was hard to imagine that a monster might of lurked around such a place. However he could see vira bristle. He could hear the snarl rumble from her body. He glanced at her hands seeing them distort in shape growing like sharp razor like claws leaving scratches in the wheelchair handles. He felt his breath catch in his throat as he glanced around trying to figure out where the creature might be skulking waiting to devour someone whole. Vira clicked her tongue quietly then gestured to one of the top windows. He hadn’t noticed it but one window was broken letting the snow fall through.

Before Yukon could even say anything, like a flash Vira was darting forward pushing the chair through the snow in a dash. He gripped the handles startled by the sudden movement. Ahead the sounds of wood ripping and breaking rung through the silence. Yukon felt his brow wrinkle as he frowned. His ears could pick up sounds from inside the warehouse. He could hear glass shatter. Vira paused only to stop at the door and leave him there before rushing in. He could seem her features had shifted as she had moved past. A familiar shape of her face distored from its human like features shifted into something more akin to a dragon’s snout with sharp horns atop her head and the flash of her fangs… he knew them well.

He grasped the wheels of his chair hesitantly as he gazed into the open door before him shrouded in thick shadow. Yukon took a deep breath. He could feel his heart beat faster and faster… an inkling of fear growing. Combat wasn’t something he was front and center for. He couldn’t just let things be like this though. What if there was someone in there who needed his help. Vira could handle trapping the beast well enough couldn’t she? Now he had doubts about that too. He took another deep breath letting the burning cold air fill his chest a moment before he began to advance inside the warehouse.

It was dark as he crept ever so carefully forward. The skylight cast rare beams of light over the dimmly lit studio. Shelves filled with paintings made a maze around him. He could hear some of the shelves smash from the sounds of the fight. He leaned forward in his seat trying to peer what might be ahead, his ears moving as he struggled to listen for sounds of someone other than Vira and the monster. Just barely he could catch some sounds. The distant scared gasps of a person along with small hiccups. It felt so close but still so far. The racks of paintings obscured the view but he could see a path through them to a little workshop area where he was pretty sure the sounds came from with an easel and small platform. His fingers gripped the wheels of his wheelchair tightly before he took care with each movement toward the area. Statues loomed between the shelves watching his every careful movement. Something about statues had always unnerved him. They reminded him of something distant like a strange foreboding memory at the corner of his mind he couldn’t quite grasp. Yukon shook it off though inching forward more and more towards the workshop section to where he heard the small noises .

When he reached the section he had been aiming for his eyes flitted around looking for the source. He could hear the snarling, and snapping of the fight between beasts growing closer and he felt the panic rise in his chest. It felt like his every movement was too slow as he looked around for the source. He wasn’t far off luckily. Curled up hidden against the shelves was a small burst of pink hair trying to hide in some sort of wrapped fabric. Yukon wheeled closer quietly. He extrended one of his hands out to the shaking bundle. Deep rose toned eyes peeked up at him from under a mess of soft pink hair. They were beautiful in a way Yukon hadn’t expected. Marks of soft glowing gold decorated their warm yet lightly tanned skin. Yukon couldn’t spot any clothes either under the shawl they were hiding under. He figured they were probably the artist’s model but where was the artist. He couldn’t help the curiosity about that tugging at the back of his mind but he took the delicate hand of the young man in front of his in his own gloved hands and carefully pulled him into the wheelchair atop him.

“Sorry about the close quarters but lets get you out of here… I’m yukon” he whispered softly as he began to unwind the scarf from around his neck. He drapped it around the young man in his lap. “I’m… meda” the model mumbled his voice quivering just a slight bit rattled from whatever had happened before they got here. Yukon’s thoughts wandered wondering if the artist, Meda worked with, had … perished. He pushed those thoughts down though as he began to unbutton his coat. Yukon carefully laid the warm fabric around Meda’s shoulders.

“Its cold outside… cant have you freezing. Wouldn’t be a good rescue then would it?” Yukon joked trying to ease the situation the best he could . He could feel a small chuckle leave Meda’s body and Yukon felt a small bit of relief. It was odd to have someone in his lap. Oddly close, he could feel the warmth of the other man as his hands moved to grip the wheels carefully. He could feel the light rise and fall of Meda’s chest as tiredly the model laid his head atop Yukon’s chest. Could he hear how fast Yukon’s heart was beating? Yukon turned the chair and began to inch it towards the door. He worried about the cold but cold was safer than claws and fangs dyed with blood.

Yukon struggled to try to make his way as quickly and quietly to the open door as he could. Claws scratching on concrete and the howl of a beast in pain filled the air behind him. He could feel his hair stand on end. His thoughts wandered to small worried about Vira. He could hear the shelves crack and break with each impact until right in front of him the two beasts landed. Barreling through the shelves scattering the ruined canvases. Vira’s changed form was pinned under the beast’s claw. Slick oil like blood stained her skin and oozed from the large gash across her snout. Despite the painful wounds though her jaw opened as she snapped her razor sharp fangs still fiercingly trying to dig into the flesh of the creature that loomed above her. The beast kept her forced down with its talons digging in her stomach. Broken feathers fluttered down on to the bloody floor from the beast’s own wounds. Its wings had been clawed through and some of the thousands of eyes decorating its shadow like form had been clawed out. The oil like blood of Vira mixed with the creature’s own on the floor as its beak opened. It leaned forward and Yukon felt like his heart might stop watching the scene.He couldn’t move fast enough. Every movement felt too slow as he rummaged through his pockets for something that could help. He needed something… anything he could enchant to catch the creature off guard. His finger tips brushed cold metal. It was a small retractable knife. Vern had given it to him in case of danger. This was danger. He pulled it out fumbling the blade out as quick as he could. He prayed in his mind this would work as he forced the feelings he was feeling into his own magic. He forced every panicked prayer and desire to save Vira into his own magic focusing it into the blade. The metal grew colder in his hands and in one swift movement he threw it.

The blade sunk into one of the red eyes then from that spot ice exploded covering the beast in it over one of it’s shoulder blades where its wings connected to its body. The creature faltered from the force of it and Vira snapped up in that moment her claws ripping across its chest before it could move causing feathers to fly. It stumbled taking steps back and she lunged.

Yukon covered Meda’s eyes as Vira tackled the creature down biting into its neck with her rows and rows of fangs. It twitched and thrashed beneath her. He looked away as he heard her claws dig into it cracking bone ripping it apart every time it tried to snap at her. He gripped the wheels with his free hand and took a slow moment to wheel forward. He could hear gurgling blood filled croaks from the monster as he left clutching Meda close to his chest. They weren’t catching this one… it had taken too much of a chunk out of vira plus they didn’t need to get someone else hurt. His stomach felt like it turned as he made his way outside.

The cold air felt like a shock jolting him out of the moment. He glanced down at Meda removing his hand.

“Sorry” he muttered quietly “... are you okay?”

“Thank you… for saving me. I’m not usually this anxious I promise… What was that thing? The um big bird? Well and the other thing… the one with horns and massive claws? The thing fighting the bird” Meda asked stumbling over his words as if trying to regain what pose he had usually between shivvers from the cold. Yukon let a sigh escape his lips.

“Thats one of the monsters… they eat people. They tend to plague this area since before I was even here. As for the horned creature, thats vira. Shes one of the people who hunts the creatures. She tracked it here.” Yukon explained raking his fingers through his hair. Meda glanced up at the man who rescued him as if studying Yukon’s features.

“You tried to save me even though you cant move as well on land…” Meda said softly “do you usually come with?”.

“Uh me? No no I’m the enchanter for the area. I enchant weapons or tools for people . I work with the hunters but Im not one myself. I’m here because originally we wanted to catch it… we want to find out why more keep appearing. I’m guessing you’re new here?” Yukon muttered glancing away. Now that they weren’t running from monsters he felt very aware of the fact Meda wasn’t wearing anything beneath coat,scarf and the shawl. He opened his mouth to add a question about that but quickly snapped it shut. “I’m a model. My artist had suggested that a change of scenery would yield to more creativity so we asked to borrow a friend of hers studio” Meda answered adjusting his own hair a moment “She probably would of liked to paint you… I was waiting in the studio while she went into town”. Well that answered many questions but still left quite a few. His mind wandered a bit to running over the situation currently. They had failed to catch the monster but they had managed to save someone. On one aspect but on the other he was no closer to answers then when he started. Worse, Vira would definitely probably be gorging on that monster’s corpse like a rabid animal till her wounds healed, have crazed. They’d have to make it somewhere on their own. Maybe vern’s home would be best. He could get the young man in his lap dressed then escort him to town so they could find the artist Meda was working with. Vern would question what happened though… worse Vern would be angry they hadn’t told him. Maybe he should of told Vern though. Why was he doubting everything? Why did everything seem to not fit together like he planned.

Meda’s hand waving infront of his face jolted him from his thoughts a moment.

“Hey, whats got you spaced out handsome” Meda chuckled with a roguish grin he hadn’t expected from the young man’s earlier demeanor. How long had he been thinking? Was Meda staring? Yukon felt his whole face to the tips of his pointed ears heat up with embarassment as he stared down at Meda watching the model’s tail flick mischievously. “Ah … uh I’m going to bring you by my friend’s place so we can borrow clothes” yukon mumbled straightening up his eyes flitting away unable to meet the rosey toned ones of Meda’s. He gripped the wheels of his chair and began to wheel away from the warehouse.

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mittensmorgul · 5 years

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3.09, Malleus Maleficarum. The one where we finally learn about witches and witchcraft, and learn a heck of a lot more about demons. Most importantly, we learn about what happens to human souls in hell, and how demons are made... which is effectively the same thing...

Souls + Hell = Demons

which brings us to 3.10, Dream A Little Dream Of Me... because this heavily influences Dean's "dream." I've written a bit about this episode in the past, including during and after s14:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/tagged/spn-3.10

But Dean literally fights off his own "inner demon" in this episode, who taunts him with everything, beginning with having to literally force Dean to talk with him at gunpoint, behind a locked door. Imagine avoiding looking at the truth of yourself so hard your subconscious literally has to hold you at gunpoint to get you to deal with your own shit...

DREAM DEAN: You are nothing. You're as mindless and obedient as an attack dog. DEAN: (smiling in denial, braving it out): That -That's not true. DREAM DEAN: No? What are the things that you want? What are the things that you dream? I mean, your car? That's Dad's. Your favorite leather jacket? Dad's. Your music? Dad's. Do you even have an original thought? DEAN scoffs, not wanting to admit to anything. DREAM DEAN: No. No, all there is is, "Watch out for Sammy. Look out for your little brother, boy!" You can still hear your Dad's voice in your head, can't you?

At the end of the episode, after defeating Jeremy, Dean tells Sam that he doesn't want to go to Hell, and even that miniscule mote of self-worth is a massive turning point for Dean. It changes everything that comes after. He might still be willing to sacrifice himself in the name of saving the universe, but he's never really able to pretend it's a throwaway gesture for him.

And Sam... this is a rather terrifying series of episodes for Sam, too. He starts off rather naive with regard to all the magical stuff, willing to accept Ruby's help dealing with the witches in 3.09, willing to believe that Ruby really can help him save Dean (even though she's confessed to Dean that she can't, so we clearly know she's lying to Sam about that to string him along). But once again he has to face an iteration of Dean's death as he's cursed... and it's Ruby who saves him. He even learns something from the first time he uses the dreamroot in 3.10 to the second.

Dean stays largely on point in dealing with Bobby, breaking him out of his nightmare and convincing him to wake up, and on his second trip into dreamrootland he gets literally lost in the woods and finds himself in there among the trees. But Sam? On that first trip into Bobby's mind, despite Dean's warning to stick together, Sam wanders OUTSIDE. He walks out, on the pretense of looking for Bobby, but it's bordering on irrational-- if entering Bobby's dream put them inside the house, then Bobby would logically be trapped somewhere inside the house, you know? But this is the first "it was night, and now it's day" moment for Sam. As he's distracted trying to figure this out, the door slams behind him, locking him out of the house and into the outdoors with Jeremy-- who is fully in control inside the dream. Like Sam slowly growing to understand his Special Powers in s2, he's new at this dreamroot nonsense and hasn't yet figured out (like Dean did instinctively) that he should be able to take control just as much as Jeremy did. He says it the second time he uses the dreamroot, though, but only after Jeremy practically beats the snot out of him, "I took the dreamroot, too," and finally turns the dream on Jeremy... using the memory of his abusive father against him, the abusive father who literally became Jeremy's cause of death.

(there's also the matter of Bela sneaking around while they were all distracted trying to save themselves, giving her the chance to snatch the Colt out from under their noses in an attempt to save herself, giving it to the demon who held her contract... which makes me wonder if Crowley didn't release her from Hell after her contract was fulfilled... it's more of an interesting thought exercise than anything, but considering that Crowley was willing to buy and sell the Colt multiple times for his own convenience over the years, it makes me wonder what he gave Bela for it back then... okay, back to the point)

But this brings us to the biggest lesson yet for Sam, in 3.11, Mystery Spot. I've written a bit recently about Gabriel serving as an interesting mirror in the narrative for Chuck-- and really all four archangels reflecting different aspects of God, of which Chuck is just the "friendly" human face.

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/184946657745/so-im-still-out-ahead-of-the-tnt-loop-but-i

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/184996231285/so-ive-watched-four-more-episodes-since-my-last

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/185420597825/final-episode-of-todays-tnt-loop-is-too-precious

Because like Chuck, Gabriel keeps nudging the narrative, keeps nudging TFW, pretending he's something so much "tamer" than what he actually is, faking a level of disconnect from the main narrative like Chuck did in playing the part of "prophet," pretending to be just as much a victim of the narrative as everyone else when in reality it was all his storytelling all along. Gabriel plays the trickster, hiding his true identity to give him reason to interact with Sam and Dean (and eventually Cas) until they finally see through to his true identity.

We have that with Chuck on a much bigger scale, with the ultimate reveal only coming in 14.20. And I think there's one more reveal regarding him and his influence in this universe to come, but more on that later...

But Gabriel uses this literal time loop to teach Sam a lesson. We watch Sam horrifically shaken by Dean's first few "deaths" in 3.11, watch him zoom through over a hundred narrative loops... or spirals, if you will, until he's finally ready for the "real lesson" Gabriel needed to teach him. Broken down again and again until he's forced to confront what his life will be like without Dean. His focus in that iteration is a six month singleminded quest to find the Trickster and force him to put everything back, including Dean... Despite the fact that Dean is already destined for Hell, and only has months to live anyway. Gabriel does eventually put everything back, as if those six months of driven revenge never happened. And for Dean, they didn't. But for Sam? He's been handed a lesson, and he's never gonna be able to forget it.

It's spirals all the way down, and there's some destinies you can't run from. Because the universe is conspiring against you in ways you can't even comprehend yet. And it's only gonna get worse from here.

#spn 3.09 #spn 3.10 #spn 3.11 #s14 hellatus rewatch #spn 14.20 #if you say 'mysterious ways' so help me i will kick your ass #it's spirals all the way down #that's what free will is #gabriel as mirror of chuck #spiders georg of the tnt loop

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sunlitroom · 5 years

Text

Gotham – s5e05 – Pena Dura

As I watched it, and some random observations here and there.

Previously on Gotham:

Selina went stab stabbity stab. Alfred told Bruce he can’t save Selina from herself. Ed woke up on a rooftop. Jim gave speech #357 on the value of hope. Then Haven exploded, proving that hope can only do so much against an RPG. Jim’s been promised help for weeks! He also won’t stop until he finds who’s responsible for Haven. Ed was responsible for Haven, albeit in a weird trance-like state. Jim stared at the charred remains of Haven.

As always, long post will be long. There are likely to be rambling digressions. Gobblepot might appear (although I welcome all shippers and non-shippers alike :)). There will be naked favouritism and naked not-favouritism. Broader comments at the end on plotlines and parallels and general direction.

In a church, a man is watching an old black and white film. From what I can figure out from the actors involved and the character names, it’s a George Brent film called Tangier Incident. It’s not a particularly interesting film. He is, however, in a good creepy film called The Spiral Staircase, which I recommend.

Anyway

Jim and Harvey approach him, guns drawn, and ask him turn around. Apparently, he’s the one who sold the RPGs. He seems pretty unimpressed by them, and rather insolently asks if they’re going to arrest him.

Jim says he wants a name. Old film guy addresses some unseen minions

What do you say boys? You wanna show the lawman how we feel about uninvited guests?

No-one is backing down. The stand-off is broken up by the arrival of lots of large people dropping through the stained-glass ceiling, who promptly take the thugs out.

While this is happening, Jim wrestles the weapons dealer/film enthusiast. He still wants a name. The fight is pretty even until the old guy is shot in the head.

We now get a slow-motion shot of shiny army boots approaching to some foreboding music. Jim rises, frowning in confusion as shiny boots man removes the mask covering his face.

Eduardo?

Nice shot right?

We get the military music we last had with Barnes to let us know that Jim likely met this man in the army. His men are still pointing guns, one at Harvey, so he tells them stand down.

Jim asks Eduardo what he’s doing here. He tells Jim he last saw him running through sniper fire to save him from a burning truck.

Jim claims he had the old guy where he wanted him – but he’s glad he’s here. Eduardo says he is too

They wander through the church chatting. Jim tells Harvey they hated each other in boot camp. Jim thought Eduardo did things too fast, while Eduardo thought Jim was too careful.

A sarcastic Harvey says that Jim’s taught him a thing or two about being careful.

Jim and Eduardo lapse into military jargon – talking about the mission plan. Eduardo says that they’re helping Walker (the woman Jim’s been talking to on the radio). They’ve to make this hellhole safe.

Jim, disgruntled, comments that all it apparently took for them to be sent help was the murder of hundreds. Eduardo says they’ve to remove all criminal elements and make the city safe. He introduces his second in command, who hands Jim a ledger they’ve found. On it – we see Ed’s name against two RPGs.

Jim turns to Harvey. He and Eduardo will go after Ed. Harvey is to set up a command centre at GCPD. Harvey protests.

I’m not as fast as I used to be, but I still got some fight in me. I’m not some desk jockey – I’m a street guy

Jim says Harvey’s the best cop he knows. Ed tends to think ahead. If this goes sideways, Harvey will need to take over.

I need your help buddy

Harvey nods.

GCPD where Bruce runs into Alfred. Alfred tells him Jim isn’t there – they’ve got a strong lead in the Haven bombing. He asks Bruce what’s wrong.

Bruce tells him worriedly that he can’t find Selina anywhere. Alfred replies that Selina is capable of looking after herself. Bruce says that she’s not herself, though. Alfred pulls a face and tells him that Jeremiah deserved to die. A resentful and upset Bruce says that Jeremiah made Selina a murderer – just like Ra’s did him.

(An aside. Much like Alfred, I don’t really have a problem with Selina stabbing Jeremiah. But this is only one of many times this episode will get a bit forgetful. Selina was a murderer before she killed Jeremiah, Bruce. You were there when she shoved that guy out the window. Not that I really have any time for Alfred’s ex-army friend who stabbed him and robbed you – but Jeremiah wasn’t the first time she’s killed)

Alfred quibbles this, claiming that Ra’s goaded Bruce into murder, but Selina did what she did with open eyes

And you’ve got to learn to respect that son

Bruce wants to find her, though, and leaves – as Alfred watches.

(An aside - Eh. On one hand, yes – Selina can make her own decisions. She has autonomy. On the other hand – Selina did what she did while still struggling to cope with the trauma of Jeremiah shooting her. Alfred excusing Bruce but condemning Selina – even though he agrees Jeremiah needed to be removed – doesn’t really sit well with me. On top of all that – Selina’s endangered herself for Bruce on a number of occasions, gone out of her way to help him, in fact. She’s clearly not coping now – and leaving her to her own devices seems off to me.)

In the library, we see Ed listening to his blackout recordings. He howls with frustration, unable to establish a pattern.

It makes no sense!

He catches sight of himself in a nearby mirror

You're not a murderer, Ed. Except Kristin Kringle, and Officer Doherty.

He goes on

But all those people. And children. How could you do it? Why?

He roars

It doesn't matter – it’s you - not me

(An aside. This is really a bit of a mess. So. Am I to assume that Ed is being a massive hypocrite, and selectively editing his criminal record? Or am I to assume that Ed differentiates between murders committed by Ed and those committed by The Riddler? Maybe, that doesn’t really work here – since some of these were committed before he discovered that persona. Besides – wasn’t one of the features of his ‘becoming’ his personalities becoming fused? Or are the writers choosing to forget some of Ed’s other murders? Who knows.)

Hearing a sound, he turns. It’s Jim and Eduardo – who have arrived to arrest him. He holds his hands up defensively.

No - Jim - I can explain

Jim is taken aback.

Explain? You son of a bitch - you actually did it?

(Interesting. Although Ed’s name was in the ledger, Jim doesn’t seem to have thought that Ed was truly responsible – or didn’t want to believe it might be true.)

Eduardo tells Ed to get on his knees. That’s three Eds in this show now – not counting Ed’s many personalities. For reference, if they’re all ever in the same scene, the dog is Ed1, the lanky green one is Ed2, and beardy army guy is Ed3.

Ed protests, and says he didn't – but he needs a little bit of time

Eduardo is still pointing his gun – and tells Jim to just say the word.

Ed pleads. You know me, Jim. People that I have...hurt - they hurt me first

(Eh? There are multiple gif sets going around which show how ridiculous this remark is. Ed’s hurt plenty of people just because he wanted to.)

I didn't know a single person in Haven

Eduardo glances at Jim

Your call, buddy – he basically confessed

Ed watches carefully as Jim thinks and then decides,

Bring him in – he stands trial

We’re saying this again? What kind of court will this be? Who is the judge? Lawyers? Jury?

Ed isn’t enthused by this. He touches a book from the bookcase. Eduardo is apparently standing on pressure-plated ied. One twitch, and he’ll repaint the room with his organs. He smiles.

Jim points his gun. But apparently Ed has also devised some sort of watch that monitors changes in Ed’s heart rate if it deviates by more than 10 bpm up or down, and can cause an explosion - if necessary - from as far as a mile away. Whatever. Apparently, in a fit of sexual frustration after his recent contact with Lucius, Ed sublimated his lustful stirrings into an inventing binge.

Ed and Jim try and stare each other out a bit. Jim says Ed will be a target once news of his guilt gets out. Eduardo says he thinks Ed’s threats are bluffs. Jim says Ed doesn’t bluff. Well – there was the time with all the cops and the poison gas that turned out just to be sleeping gas, but - hey. This episode is having severe difficulties remembering details, storyline, characterisation….take your pick.

Jim lets Ed leave. Summarising because this recap is lengthy – Jim uses his cat-like reflexes to leap across the room and finds the right book to free Eduardo – whose whole take on the puzzle is that he’d like

to wring this nerd’s neck

Jim gives him a welcome to Gotham. Wanting to wring Ed’s neck is just part and parcel of visiting. He adds that the city grows on you, before contacting Harvey and telling him to put the word out: Ed is wanted for the attack on Haven

Bruce strides into Sirens, looking for Selina. A fairly happy-looking Barbara leads him towards a booth. With a flourish, she tells the crowd to raise their glasses for the killer of Jeremiah Valeska. The crowd parts, and we see Selina sitting in a booth with a group of girls. Is this the booth of Bruce’s downward spiral? Is this the ‘I am having a long dark night of the soul’ booth? Do you have to book ahead?

Selina raises her glass, but her smile is more ironic than anything else.

(An aside. Barbara seemed happy. It's hard to say whether having the killer of Jeremiah Valeska at her club is bring extra cachet, whether her one-night stand with Jim brought her some closure and happiness, or whether she and Jim are still having sex and she’s pleased about this.)

In some abandoned building, we hear a radio send out the message about Ed being wanted by the police.

A tall skinny man wearing a green suit and eyeglasses

They left out his BritPop hair.

Outside an angry mob gathers and chants. We see Ed hiding from them, before slipping off.

At City Hall, Oswald stands, flanked by his henchmen, as a visitor opens a box for him. Whatever it is seems to make him happy – and he pays the man 200 bullets in return – telling him to go have fun and keep up the good work.

As the man leaves – Oswald is brought a message

He reads aloud

Edward Nygma is the monster responsible for killing the innocents of Haven

Oswald looks incredulous for a moment, and then worried – wondering aloud,

Ed…what have you done?

The mob from earlier runs past. Ed hides – but is walloped on the side of the head.

GCPD. Eduardo tells Jim they’re pushing uptown – but there’s still no Nygma. He’s confident they’ll get him though. He then asks Jim to tell him about Scarecrow. Jim says his guys would need gasmasks – but taking him down would be a big one.

We’re on a sort of rural street. We pan up Ed’s body. I own those boots. He’s unconscious and tied to some kind of deck chair.

An older blonde woman leans in towards his face.

Time to wake up!

Forgive me – American readers. I can only tell that she sounds Southern, which I know isn’t very specific.

She tells Ed she’s the woman who will carry out his execution, along with her two boys – two men, who are sitting in a truck parked facing Ed.

They’ve basically created a makeshift electric chair. There’s a lot of whooping and laughing as they give Ed a tester jolt. He yells in pain, gasping when they stop.

The woman tells him that was only a taste. It’s fair that Ed should die to pay for JoJo, who was in Haven when Ed blew it up.

She holds up a photograph. Ed seems afraid to look at it – then bursts into laughter when he sees it’s a dog. For good measure – he calls the woman an anthropomorphizing nincompoop when she claimed that JoJo was happy and smiled often.

They give him another burst of electricity. Ed hallucinates – seeing a spiteful Oswald telling him

I'm going to fix you, Ed

Ed blinks – confused. They jolt him again. This time he sees a sincere Oswald, repeating the same phrase.

Everything stops when there’s some kind of fault with the electricity. Ed quickly spots a way to trick them and escape. In doing so – one of the men’s legs catch fire. As Ed runs off, he declares that he’ll fix Oswald.

At City Hall, we hear distant explosions. One of Oswald’s henchmen tells him that the army has invaded and men are heading this way. Oswald asks him if Nygma has been located – to which the man replies he has feelers out. Oswald tells him the first man to find him gets to live.

Turning, he tells his dog he is surrounded by morons. If he didn’t have his empire – he’d go get Nygma himself

(An aside – it’s actually something that has been frustrating about Oswald in later seasons. Season One Oswald was very mobile. He moved around a lot: think of all the places we see him. Fish’s club, Gertrud’s apartment, GCPD, Jim and Barbara’s place, Maroni’s weird lodge, Falcone’s mansion, Loeb’s house…. It helped give a sense of how he had a finger in every pie, but also how much he truly inhabited the city. He was everywhere. But after they have him empire building – he becomes much more static. He’s usually stuck in a grand house or hall, and has to send other people out to do his bidding.)

He spots that the gun on his desk has gone. He turns – and now it’s pointing at his head

It’s Ed2

(Ed gets demoted if the dog is in the same scene)

Hello Oswald. We have a great deal to talk about. But first - did you name your dog after me?

(An aside. You know – that dog is sweet, but the naming decision feels like self-indulgent fic territory. Unpopular opinion, I know – but there it is.)

At GCPD, Harvey says Nygma’s been seen at City Hall – he’s going after Oswald. Eduardo says Oswald is at the top of their list – so this sounds like a twofer

Jim says Oswald has all the ammo in town – so they need shock and awe

Eduardo says that’s his default, and asks Jim if he’s ready to go.

Jim looks a little dubious, and tells him to take Harvey. He’ll keep things locked down here

(An aside – it’s possible that Jim does this because he wants to salve Harvey’s bruised ego from earlier, although sending him to City Hall with Eduardo to face a heavily-armoured and very irritated Oswald would seem to be a bit of an over-correction of that earlier moment. It is amusing to consider, though, that Jim did not want Eduardo to witness what would likely have happened at City Hall if Jim had gone instead – i.e. Oswald wheedling his way out of a visit to the precinct, Jim telling Oswald to please be good this time, and then some emotionally vulnerable and sexually charged staring.)

At Sirens, a flippant Selina tells a serious-faced Bruce he’s killing the buzz. Bruce tells her this isn’t her. Selina smiles, and asks Bruce if he really thinks he knows her. He solemnly tells her better than she knows herself.

Selina smiles. She tells Bruce that the night his parents were murdered she watched it all and did nothing.

Her eyes fill

She says she watched

That guy shoot your father and shoot your mother and through it all - I did nothing

She lets out a laugh that turns into a sob

I didn't call for help. I didn’t scream at him to stop

Bruce tells her it wasn’t her fault – she was a scared kid. Selina tells Bruce he was the scared kid.

Bruce has teared up now too. She continues

We are not the same. I didn't do anything because I was not willing to risk my neck - because I didn’t care. That's who I was and that's who I am

A different song starts playing. Selina puts on a faux-smile and says she loves this song. A tearful Bruce watches her walk away.

Back at City Hall, an irate Ed is questioning a confused Oswald.

What did you do?

What are you talking about?

Ed is insistent

You! You are the reason I killed those people! How could you? You have made me some murderous puppet!

(Just a reminder here that when Ed found a seriously injured and traumatised Oswald in the woods, he took him home, injected him with God knows what, told him he had no option but to stay there, and rubbed his hands with glee when he figured out the best way to manipulate him to his own ends – which was through his grief for his murdered mother. You know, just while the story is touching on stuff like taking away someone’s agency, and using them for your own selfish ends.)

Ed rants that he’s spent weeks waking up strange places - driving himself mad, thinking he’d gone mad - now he knows that it’s all been Oswald’s doing

Of everything that you have put me through - this is the most cruel

(Just another reminder that - you know, while we’re discussing cruelty – Ed tried to drive Oswald insane, dug up his father’s remains, humiliated him, attempted to demonstrate that he wasn’t capable of love (so – you know – tried to completely dehumanise him), and then shot him in the gut and pushed him off the end of the pier. Just, you know, in case we’re looking for some kind of gold standard for cruelty).

Oswald blinks in confusion, and tells Ed that he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Ed quotes the ‘I’ll fix you’ from his hallucination. He goes on – telling Oswald he didn’t fix him: he broke him

Realisation dawns on Oswald’s face.

Wait - I said that to you on the night the bridges blew!

He tells Ed that he saved his life. He found him and paid Hugo Strange to save him – but Hugo must have done something when he was patching him up.

Ed is incredulous. Oswald is indignant – asking him what he was supposed to do? After Butch, Ed was his only friend. Ed exclaims that he shot Butch, to which Oswald retorts that’s why he needed Ed alive.

Oswald is frustrated. He sighs and turns to him

Edward Nygma - if I wanted you to suffer, I would never do it in some backhanded way. If we are ever at odds again, you will know without a doubt that I am your enemy. I promise you that, as a friend.

(An aside. I have made no bones about the fact I’ve found just about everything they’ve done with this relationship over the seasons to be utterly forced - clunky and leaden. If anything ever exemplifies a lot of what I don’t like about it, it’s that moment just there. Compare how natural and nuanced almost any other interaction in this episode was in comparison with this moment. It’s self-indulgent and melodramatic in a manner usually reserved for bad fanfiction. Bear it in mind particularly when we get that lovely scene later with Bruce and Harvey, and compare the two.)

Ed considers him for a moment, then yells

What a mess! I might have killed you, Oswald. And if that day comes, I swear to you that I will stare you in the eye as I stab you in the heart.

We already saw that, Ed. Back when you shot him in the gut

Oswald nods tearfully

(An aside, something else I hate about what they’ve done with this – insta-woobie ooc Oswald)

Oswald tells him to look on the bright side. If Strange messed with his head, then Ed’s not responsible for what happened. Ed asks where to find Hugo – but the conversation is interrupted by an explosion.

One of Oswald’s men tells him that GCPD and the army have blown the gates

Oswald whispers to him

Grab Nygma - they want him, not me

(An aside – the speed with which Oswald is willing to sell Ed out is honestly hilarious)

Ed – however – has legged it, leaving a fulminating Oswald behind.

The doors to the main hall are blown open, and a smoke bomb is rolled on. Harvey and Eduardo enter. Oswald waits amidst all the smoke – probably for the drama more than anything

Why hello Harvey!

He teases him about the ammo situation last time. Harvey tells him they don’t want his territory. They want him to put down his weapons and hand over Ed Nygma.

The situation, I think, is now more about Oswald being pissed that his turf has been invaded than anything else. He tells them to leave by the time he counts to three, or he’ll shoot everyone.

Harvey stands his ground.

Oswald smiles

You’re not thinking clearly, Harvey. Maybe call your boss - see what he thinks

(An aside – Oswald is so offended that he’s even having to look at someone from GCPD who isn’t Jim. Ugh. This day just gets worse. Funnier yet is his conviction that Jim will tell Harvey to come back to GCPD and stop bothering him)

There’s a staring match. Oswald’s men all wind up shot, and Oswald is taken in to GCPD.

Ed is in Sirens - on his knees in front of Barbara. She tells him all Gotham is looking for him

He replies that he needs information – your speciality

(An aside. What? Since, like - when? When did information become Barbara’s speciality? I know she likes power and money. She’s also fond of violence and casual cruelty. But information? When was that supposed to have happened?)

Barbara says she’s going to cut his face into a jigsaw puzzle. Ed urgently asks her if he’s dumb. If – in all the years she’s known him – he’d ever done anything as brutally idiotic as this. He didn’t kill those people.

Well…. not exactly.

Barbara dismisses her guards. Ed tells her about Hugo Strange’s involvement, and how he suspects mind control. Whoever is responsible for the mind control killed those people, not him

Barbara says if by some miracle she believes him – why would she help?

Ed piques her curiosity by wondering what kind of powerful person would hire Strange and have Ed adapted in this way. He says that Barbara must know where Hugo is, and when he finds out who was responsible for the chip – he’ll share the intel. She’ll want to know, because, after all

Information is your lifeblood

Sure, whatever.

Barbara doesn’t know precisely where Hugo is, but can direct him to his Igors.

An interrogation room in GCPD. Oswald lies on his front on the floor, his lip bleeding. He looks up at Jim, who is apparently watching, and his face twists for a moment into a combination of pain and an appeal for help

For his part, Jim looks troubled. He’s not enjoying this – in fact, I would go so far as to say it looks like he can’t stomach it – but he’s tolerating it.

Jim replies to his pained look

You’re protecting a mass murderer - don't look to me for sympathy

(An aside. Yes – I ship this, but even with shipper glasses off – it’s pretty much there in the text. Oswald knows that he can appeal to Jim for sympathy. In responding to his look as he does, Jim is openly acknowledging that he would usually be a source of sympathy for Oswald. It’s an admission from them both that there are dimensions to their relationship that go well beyond cop/gangster and – more than that – an admission that they’re both aware of that)

Oswald spits blood

Fine. But not with that meat head around

Jim nods, and Eduardo leaves

Oswald laughs and rises from the floor

You know – they say you can judge man by the company he keeps

Jim retorts

This from a man who has no friends

(An aside – that sounds meaner than it actually played. It’s delivered in that slightly schoolyard tone Jim reserves for teasing Oswald – it’s not earnest or cruel. Also – as we’ve seen this season, just saw in this scene, and will see again in a moment – it’s just not true. Jim and Oswald have a relationship beyond work.

On top of that, you know – Jim – if not for the fact that Harvey is an extraordinarily forgiving man, your own friend list would have tumbleweeds blowing through it.)

Jim and Oswald take a moment to give each other a long, complicated look. This scene is full of long complicated looks. Neither of them particularly want to be in this situation, but their hands have been forced.

Oswald tells Jim that Nygma is a patsy, not a mass murderer. He likes puzzles, games, killing – but killing hundreds of people – that’s not him, Jim knows this.

Jim asks who set him up

Oswald laughs, and leans back in his chair.

Jim - you want info, I want to go home

Jim grimaces.

Eduardo’s not going to go for that.

Oswald smiles before pressing Jim’s button

I'm sorry – I thought you were in charge

Jim grimaces angrily and leans on the table

Even if I were to let you go – the army is going to come after you: things are changing in Gotham

I'll take my chances

Jim blinks. He seems, to be honest, tired and uncertain.

Do you want Nygma or not?

Jim looks at him, and then glances sidelong at where Eduardo waits outside.

Jim leaves the interrogation room and talks to Eduardo

I know where Nygma’s going

Eduardo looks at him, then past him, nudging the door to let it swing open – revealing an empty room. He looks back at Jim

I trust you know what you’re doing?

They leave to go find Ed

(An aside. Quite a complicated little scene. Neither Jim nor Oswald want to be in that room – but external forces have shoved them in there anyway.

There’s a lot of history in the looks that are going back and forth. Like I said, we have the explicit acknowledgment that Jim is likely to offer Oswald sympathy when others won’t. We also have the open admittance that Jim knows Oswald sees him as a soft touch, and that he will likely give in anyway – just not in this particular circumstance, because the destruction of Haven was such a big deal.

Oswald also knows that pressing Jim’s buttons over control and power is likely to be effective.

Last up – we have Jim obliquely warning Oswald of the danger the army poses to him. He’s not threatening him here, or trying to intimidate him. If anything, his tone is almost pleading. He doesn’t know how handle this situation. He’s asked for help – and help has finally arrived – but Jim’s not actually sure what to do with it now it’s here. Eduardo plainly told Jim that Oswald was at the top of their hit list. Jim’s response? Let him go, warn him that danger is coming.)

In some lab facility somewhere, a body slides down a hatch.

It’s Hugo!

He’s complaining that the last body he was brought was gangrenous and completely unsuitable. When he turns, though, he sees Ed pointing a gun at him

Mr Nygma

Ed want to know how he control of his alter ego. He’s rambling a little, talking about his Ed side.

A curious Hugo remarks that he is Ed Nygma.

Ed says he’s also the Riddler.

Hugo’s professional side makes a rare appearance

How interesting

He adds, though, that he knows nothing about all that. He just tinkered and inserted a chip in his brain.

Ed wants to know who requested this. Hugo says he’ll write it down, so he can truthfully say that he didn’t tell Ed who was responsible. His pen, though, contains knock-out gas – which he sprays at Ed.

Hugo says that he’s mystified as to how Ed regained any awareness – and that he’ll just have to open him up and take a look under the roof.

Bruce is at GCPD looking for Jim. Instead, he finds Harvey, working at his desk

Sorry kid – it’s just me

He quickly takes in Bruce’s obvious distress, and takes his glasses off to regard him more carefully.

You all right?

Bruce says he’s fine – just looking for Jim. He remarks that he saw soldiers downstairs, trying to make some conversation – but still seeming distracted. Harvey watches him, concerned.

Yeah, the Army's finally gotten off their asses and decided to help. Jim's out with them now. Are you sure you're all right?

A tearful Bruce says that he doesn’t know. His usual careful defences crumble.

I see people losing their will to do good. People I love. What if we don't make it out of this?

Harvey looks at him. His face is sombre.

I'm not gonna lie, kid. These past few months, I've wondered the same thing. And when I don't know what to do, I come up here and I dig into these case files. I sit my ass down and I get to work. I used to hate this kind of paperwork; now it's the only thing that keeps me going. Why? Because the little things matter. Act by act, deed by deed, it means something. Even if no one notices or cares.

Bruce listens – taking in what he says

Thanks, Harvey.

He then does the classic Batman quick exit – leaving a slightly befuddled Harvey

(An aside - This scene between Bruce and Harvey was really lovely. Bruce is tired, upset, and worried about Selina. He's lost his conviction that things will work out, and everything looks hopeless to him right now. Harvey doesn't have the answer to any of that - but he does have an honest way to go on with things: do the work. It doesn't have to be showy and praised by all and sundry. Do something useful - and know that the deed itself and the results are both worthwhile.

It was an understated scene that still got across some very big issues.

There’s the flagging of some key differences between Jim and Harvey – Jim’s need to be seen as a hero, and Harvey not sharing that same concern. There’s also insight into how someone who is as fundamentally unhappy and alone as Harvey finds a meaningful way of living. There’s also how much Harvey has changed since we first met him.

It's sweet, too, that Bruce confides in him. They don't know each other well - but he's still been a constant. Equally sweet is how Harvey talks to him. He doesn’t coddle him, or just try to cheer him up in the way that Alfred or Jim might. He’s simply honest. No platitudes, and no inspirational speech. He tells Bruce he’s just as scared as he is, and then offers him a way to deal with his fear.

Now - compare that simple moment of compassion, all the subtleties and pathos, and all the meaning it holds with the yelling and stilted dialogue at City Hall with Ed and Oswald. The difference is glaring.)

Hugo has top of Ed's skull off – pretty much like Hannibal tried to do to Will. According to Hugo, the gas he used on Ed immobilised him – but he can still feel pain. A simple reboot will fix the problem, though.

A City Hall, Oswald carries his dog along to a hatch in the floor. He carefully descends a ladder, still carrying him, and turns on a light. It’s a massive vault – full of gold and money and shiny things.

He smiles and tells the dog that the time has come for a change of scenery

I’ve said this for ages, sweetie. You’ve got all that crime money. Buy yourself a flat in Paris, another in Berlin. Florence, Athens, Barcelona…. go for it.

Back in the lab. Hugo says the electric charge must have overloaded the chip – but he’d fixed it. He will pass the good news to his handler. His smiles disappears when he realises that a gun is being held to his head.

He protests. He’s just helping a man who needs medical attention! Hugo is vile – but BD Wong is fantastic.

Jim walks round Hugo to look at Ed, whose eyes are open. Hugo petulantly says he gave him biomedical anaesthesia – and brings him round.

Ed screams in pain and then immediately protests his innocence

I told you wasn't me!

Jim tells Hugo to talk. He says a contract came along, and developed a tool – gesturing to Ed, who is indignant.

How dare you

Eduardo contacts one of his men and tells him to escort Hugo out. He leaves with a ta ta

He smirks at an incredulous Jim

Sorry pal - this part of the op is need to know

Apparently Walker – the woman Jim has been talking to one the radio – wants Ed taken out now.

Jim is puzzled – asking if Walker is behind this - controlling Nygma

Eduardo shrugs that he hates the spooks crap. He just follows orders

Jim mentions Haven – reeling from the idea that Walker might have been behind it.

Eduardo says Jim is to put a bullet in Ed's brain

Jim replies with a flat no

Eduardo tells him to call it proof of loyalty - what Walker needs to see from him before she implements the relief plan. He tries to persuade him

Look at him. He's a loon. A cop-killer.

(An aside – the strong feeling we’re getting from Jim at this point is ‘yeah – but he’s my loon’ – in the same way that this is his screwed-up home, and his tyrannical gangster. I suspect this storyline might have lasted longer had the season not been truncated – and we’d have seen Jim gradually pull away from Eduardo, the man he thought was his friend, to acknowledge that he belongs to Gotham, and has emotional ties there that he’s not willing to break.)

Jim just wants the truth: did Walker destroy Haven?

Eduardo tells him ours is not to reason why – and says this is his chance to be part of the plan.

He adds that if Jim can’t pull the trigger on Ed – I’ll pull it on you

Jim stares

You’d kill me for some bureaucrat?

Eduardo is unperturbed. There’s really not one thought rattling around in that big beardy head of his

Mission comes first - you taught me that. What's your answer?

Jim says he saved his life one too many times. He feints putting his gun down, and then runs and escapes down the hatch in the wall we saw earlier. Wheeee!

Eduardo presses a button, and orders EdBot to find Jim and kill him

EdBot immediately complies, and also goes wheeeeee down the chute.

Eduardo watches him go – secretly envious that his orders apparently don’t allow him to go wheeee too.

Aha – so this is where that absurdly beautiful image of Jeremiah came from. He’s lying down, eyes shut, in some kind of cave. We see a rock pulled aside by Ecco

Boss - wake up

Jeremiah winces as he sits up. Ecco asks sympathetically if the stitches are still sore, and tells him he should have worn the armour she made.

Jeremiah curls his lip contemptuously, and tells her the bullet is making her sentimental – she should gave it a shake. Ecco obligingly does so – and nods excitedly when he asks her if that’s better.

He tells her he had to let Selina stab him once - verisimilitude trumps precautions. Ecco nods – and says Bruce and Selina had to think he was dead. Jeremiah rolls his eyes at her summary, and comments impatiently that he takes it she has news. She replies that it’s all systems go, and they head out.

(I suppose this is essentially canon, but – wow, does Jeremiah treat his ‘girlfriend’ with contempt).

Is Jeremiah in Wayne Manor? He addresses a man in a white coat, telling the dr he’s hearing good things. The doctor tells him his assistant thought he’d like to see the results.

Jeremiah is wide-eyed as he approaches two people we can only see from behind – who look, as best as memory serves, to be Bruce's parents.

Jeremiah laughs for a second, then opens his eyes wide – and tells them they look beautiful

I just love family reunions - don't you?

Jeremiah, confronted with the problem of what gift you can buy for your billionaire crush who likely has everything, has seemingly got very creative and cloned his dead parents.

General Observations

Jim is doing a classic Jim. He's been unhappy about the situation in the city for weeks – pleading for help. But now that official help of a sort has shown up - the kind Jim should want, and should back, and should identify with - he's wobbling. He balks at the idea of shooting Ed. He had no interest in arresting Oswald, let alone any qualms about letting him go, and looked downright unhappy in the interrogation room. When push comes to shove, Jim has relationships with these people - whether he’ll acknowledge it or not

To analyse it more closely in terms of Jim's psychology - the army element plays a role too. He might talk about his time there fondly - but, ultimately, he chose to leave. When Barnes - who was father figure and army past combined - showed up, Jim barely waited until the end of his first episode before disobeying him to going off to see Oswald – leaning on their special relationship and warning him about the new regime.

He repeats that pattern again here. Jim might want to represent that kind of authority - but a part of him is always looking to buck it, too. It's part of the reason, I think, that he and Oswald are more likely to squabble during Oswald's particularly tyrannical phases.

And all of that disquiet is even before we find out that Walker is likely corrupt and dreadful.

The whole thing with Ed. Eh. I know what they’re trying to do here. The problem, for me, is that it’s not really outside the bounds of possibility that Ed could knowingly have destroyed Haven. Sure – the whole affair would have been showier, and Ed would have made some kind of speech beforehand – but still. Ed - and Barbara – actually, both watched from a high window while Gotham tore itself apart under the Tetch virus. Neither of them flinched at what they saw.

It’s weird – because you don’t need to downplay Ed’s capacity for sadistic violence in order to also entertain the notion that part of him might be horrified by it. That, after all, is a crucial part of his characterisation: that he is frequently fractured, with various facets of his personality more or less dominant. In season one, we saw that certain aspects of his personality were almost completely suppressed. Later, we saw the season one version of him humiliated and berated by darker aspects of his personality, as well as horrified by what it had him do when it ‘took over’.

So – you can have your cake and eat it really – you can have a character who is capable of dreadful things, as well as the tragedy that some drowned part of him is horrified and disgusted by what he has done, and simply endures it with no ability to speak up. That would work with Ed’s extreme rage and fear at the loss of control he’s been enduring.

What doesn’t work, though, is retconning him to be a better person than he is. I’ve watched Ed torture because he enjoyed it. Kill because he felt like it. I’m not entirely sure I buy that he’d be horrified by what happened to Haven.

Miscellaneous

I have no idea whether Selina knows about Tabitha yet. She must – it makes no sense that she wouldn’t – but there was no indication of her reaction to that.

Similarly – I don’t really understand why no-one has said a word about Lee yet. I’m guessing it’s because we’re simply not ‘there’ yet in the story – but it makes no logical sense.

Alfred said a lot that was true about respecting Selina’s decision, but – ultimately- his advice to leave Selina alone simply comes off as callous.

Lucius must have had a day off today.

#gotham commentary #pena dura #gotham s5e05

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love-beautiful-disasterxo-blog · 5 years

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Mental Health

Mental health is something i personally dont think is taken seriously, i am writing this today to let anyone know dealing with mental illness’s know you are not alone. I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder, OCD, depression and hypochondria and let me tell you it is pure hell. I wasnt dignoased untill i was 27 years old, about 7 months ago now. But i have always had anxiety and panic attacks here and there, but i was always able to control them and my worry. I have always been one to worry about my health and others close to me, but nothing like this. Let me give you alittle back story about myself. Both my parents were addicts my father was a funcontiong alcholic my mother was addicted to well about anything she could get her hands on. My father was always a drinker ever since i could remeber in every old photo we have theres always a beer in his hands. But of course being young i never thought anything of it untill one day him and my mom sat me down and told me he was going to re-hab, i remeber crying beacuse i didnt understand, why was my dad going away? And then they proceded to tell me that my dad needed help. So off my dad went to re-hab for 3 months, and i was left alone to watch my drug addict mother. My mom has very many health problems she has arthrits in every inch of her body she can barley move anymore. So when this first all started she was taking narkos 1000mg, then it turned into oxycottin, morphine, fentna patches, coke pretty much anything she could get her hands on. As this went on we realized my mom was going to multiple diffrent doctors to get pain pills and edventually she got “ red flagged “ whitch pretty much she got caught and then couldnt get any more pain medicine from any doctors in macomb county. So around the time that happned i was having terrible teeth issues, and headaches and i would tell my mom my teeth would hurt.. “ here take this” and it would be a 1000mg narko. when my mom would run out of her pills she would have me go to urgent care to say my teeth hurt and the first time i went they just so happened to give me vicodin. So that started my mom taking me to urgent care to give pills so she could have them. I was young at the time i thought she really needed them, all i seen was my mom in terrible pain !! And then i had to get all 4 of my widsom teeth surgericaly removed at once. So of course they gave me vicodin and i had about 3 reffills on them. I was in so much pain so of course i took them it was terrible !! Well my mom would eaither come into my room when i was sleeping and take some from me or she would come in and ask me for “ a few “ i think i went thru 30 vicidons in 2 weeks beacuse of her taking them. So that is when i really noticed she had a problem. Fast foward a few months my dad was home from rehab clean,healthy, and happy ! But my mom was on a downward spiral. The first time i have ever seen my mom overdose.... i was upstairs in my room with my best friend at the time and all the sudden my dad was screaming my name ! of course i thought i was introuble ! so i walked down stairs to see my mom face down on the coffe table and my great dain on the other side of her with his head on the coffee table crying, i went into panic mode right away i remeber covering my mouth and starting to cry. My dad looked at me and said “ dont panic call 911 ! “ so i called 911. Before they had gotten there my mom had started to come to, she picked her face off the coffee table and she had busted her face all open. Her eyes were pinned, she had this scary look in her eye. The abulnace got there and of course they started asking her all these queshtions “ what did you take ? “ and she started fighting them...pushing them screaming at them. They asked her “ who is this girl?” and they pointed at me and she looked at me and said “ i dont know who she is.” my heart broke into peices. It was then my dad got out all her pill bottles and began coutning them and seeing when she had gotten them filled and what not. She would get a GIANT bottle of 1000mg narkos a month so i would say about 60 ? If not more. Plus all the other pills she was getting from the other doctors. My dad had someone figured out she had taken at least 4 narkos, 2 oxycottins plus her lyrica. She had overdosed. They finally took her away i remeber walking up to the stretcher crying and saying “ mom please you have to get better you have to come home .” and she just looked at me with this blank stare in her eyes and said nothing. On the way to the hospital she had i think 7 sezuires and some more when they put her in a room. They put her in ICU and put her in lock down beacuse she became viloent. The next day i went and seen her she still had this blank stare in her eyes. But she knew who i was...my mom was strapped downt to her bed beacuse she was trying to rip out everything she was hooked up to. I was about 13 years old ? Could you imagine seeing your mom like that at 13 years old ? So after a week or so they finally let her go home. My dad had locked all her pills in a lock box hide the lock box and he was going to start giving her her pills. Well a few days went by and my mom began searching for the lock box and i guess she had found it and figured out the passcode for it..... i came home from a friends house and there was 2 abluance sitting in front of my house so of course i rush into the house to find my dad,multiple paramedics doing CPR on my mom in her bed. She had overdosed again and actually went into respatory faluire this time. While the EMT was doing CPR my dad was cheaking her body for some reason....well my mom had gotten fenna patches..mind you your only suposse to put ONE on...she had 1 on each of her ankles, 1 on each of her shoulders and one on her chest, and my dad had also found cut up patches in the bathroom she had been sucking the pain medication out of the patches. And to be honest i dont remeber what happend after that. I know they took her to the hospital but that is all i rember. She came home and of course again we all are watching her. And shes walking around the house like nothing ever happned like everything was just fine ! Fast foward a few months things have “ calmed down “ at the house i guess you could say or at least we thought...i came home and my brother told me he went upstairs to check on mom and she had fallen alseep with a ciggarette in her mouth and the bed was starting to catch on fire my brother had to throw a melted bowl of ice cream on it to put it out. She would node off alot. Thats how i leanred how to drive... my mom would fall asleep at the wheel and i would have to drive. I started driving when i was about 13 years old. Around this time my sister was also 9 months pregnat. ( my story is all over the place sorry guys ) BEFORE my sister got pregnat my sister was also a addict and lived with her boyfriend at the time so she wasnt really around for alot of this, but when she was home her and my mom would fight SO BAD i mean fist fight..throw things at eachother and i would have to break it out. Anyways my sister was about to pop ! And she finally had my wonderful, amazing, beautiful niece. All was “ well “ once she was born my sister moved back home my mom was pretty concentrated on the baby. Fast foward a few months... me, my sister, my mom were talking about my niece and how she had started crawling and my mom got this look in her eye and just began to cry and said “ i dont remeber that.” even tho my mom was right there cheering her on and she cralwed. THAT is when my mom decied to go to rehab she didnt want to miss watching her grow up. So she went to this rehab that was actually pretty far away and she stayed there for along time...at that time i was in highschool i had to drop out. I felt like i needed to stay home and help my dad and keep a eye on him as well so he didnt relapse beacuse when he got home from dropping my mom off at rehab he walked into the house and grabbed me and hugged me as he cryed on my shoulders and said “ that was the hardest thing i have ever had to do.” so i was scared he was going to relapse. Now let me just say for the record i was not a good child by all means while all this was going on with my mom and dad i was out drinking every single night partying, and also popping pills. I thought i was just out being a teenage tho yano ! having fun living my life but now i know i was trying to numb the pain, earse these horrible memories. I was hangin out with the wrong people at the wrong time and i got caught stealing from a store... all my “ friends “ i was with bailed on me and left me to get caught. They called my mom she came up to the sore and said “ we can eaither band her from the sore or call the cops.” my mom told them to call the cops.. i was about 16-17 at this time. Cops came the store pressed charges on me. I had to go to court and all that great stuff. Well they were so close to sending me to a juvinal center but my mom and dad were sobbing and i think thats what got me out of that. Instead i got placed on probsation, had to do community service, substance abuse classes and i had a curfew. Mind you summer had JUST BEGAN. So at this time i was so pissed at my mom for making them call the cops yes i know she was trying to teach me a lesson. The first day i was on probation what did i do? I went out and got really really really drunk with friends, I was suposse to be in the house by 6pm every single night. Was i home at 6pm? no. my probation officer would call my house to make sure i was home and she did.... she was calling my phone along with my parents trying to figure out where i was and why i wasnt home. I was to drunk to care. All my frinds knew what was going on and they knew i was suposse to be home so they began trying to talk me into going home. And i just got angry at them beacuse i didnt want to go ! I remeber my one friend telling me “ get in the car we are runnning to the store.” so im like okay! they put me in the back seat and the turned all the child locks on and i quickly knew what was going on...i began screaming and crying and trying to kick out the windows of my friends car. So they finally got me home i was so drunk and angry by the time i got into my house my parents called amblunace to come take me to the hospital beacuse they thought i had alcholo poisning. All i rember is that amblunace coming and that is it. So after a night in the hospital...i think? I came home had to go see my probation officer of course whitch she then put me on house arrest for the rest of the summer. I was so upset and mad !!! ( But i did it to myself ) So my friends and boyfriend at the time would have to come over and sit at my house if they wanted to hangout. IT SUCKED !!!! So over this course of time i became really depressed and started cutting myself. But let me tell you i sure did learn my lesson i never ever again even thought about stealing ever again! Oh and before ALL OF THIS happened ( like i said sorry guys this is all over the place ) i had lost my grandmother when i was about 11 my grandma was my best friend. my grandparents had this beatiful house in lexington and let me tell you we were SPOILED KIDS! I would get so excited to go there to see my grandma, god she was just amazing and beautiful and the sweetest thing in the world !!! My grandma then got sick she had a anyersum whitch caused a stoke. she then lost the ability to speak and movment on parts of her body. After that happened she was in the hospital for a while, she came home and i rember her just having this huge smille on her face and she started talking to me and i couldnt understand what she was trying to say to me... i was heartbroken, scared, confused i didnt understand why she sounded like this? But i just hugged her crying and knodding my head. After a while you could start to understand what she was trying to say. After her stroke she LOVED to hum she would just hum all day long and she was still so happy !!! I can her her beautiful humming till this day. But then grandma had gotten even more sick...cancer. And she passed away. I remeber coming home from my aunts house and everyone was standing in my kitchen my dad, mom, sister, my other two aunts, and my grandpa. I remever feeling excited beacuse i thought “ yay grandma is here !” but everyone was crying... My dad told me to sit down, and my grandpa started to say “ hunny grandma..... and before he could finish i dropped to my knees sobbing. My grandmas death really took a toll on my like i said she was my best friend. Okay so going back again sorry guys ! around the time my mom and dad just got out of rehab, it was about 10pm at night and i was texting a few of my frends they were all together at a frineds house drikning and they wnated me to come over. So i went and asked my mom if they could come pick me up and i rember my mom saying” no ! it so way to late your not leaving !” so of course i got all mad and texted them i couldmt come, And the friend i was texting at the time was all upset beacuse they were on their way to come get me and blah blah blah ! he then texts me and says “ okay well we are going to go to the store instead then.” i remeber texting him back and telling him “ is that a good idea?please be careful and put your seat belt on!” he texted me back “ i will.” So a few hours went back and he wouldnt awnser my texts or pick up his phone. I thought okay maybe they all passed out drunk and went to sleep. so i went to bed. in the morning i woke up to about 28 missed called and about 30 somthing messages from a buncha of people telling me to call them asap ! I went downstairs and on the news was a bad accident a couple of teenagers had wrapped there car around a tree last night. Those couple of teenagers were the ones i was texting the night before... my heart sank i called everyone back that had called me thinking “ no this isnt real ! “ and they had all confirmed that had passed away. A few months had passed and i started getting messages on myspace at the time and texts from random people telling me “ it should have been me in the car, it was my fault they died.” and i totally thought it was my fault they were dead for years. Nowwww fast foward to when i turned 19-20 ? I had met this guy and started hangin out with him alot ! and i am still with him have been for almost 10 years. I moved in with him, his mom and grandma about 6 months into our realshonship. We spent every single day togehter i grew very close with his family. Fast foward about a almost a year we were downstairs watching tv with his mom and grandma like we always did everynight ! And all the sudden his grandma couldnt see out of her left eye, so we rushed her to the hospital come to find out she was having stroke beacuse she had abrain anersuym. So she was suposse to have brain surgery to get it removed a few months after they had found it. She had started to develope demintcha she would think my boyfriend who was 23 at the time was a baby and she would think she would have to go change his dipar. She would ask where my boyfriends dad is all the time and mind you he passed away from lung cancer when my boyfiend was 12. So it was really scary seeing that stuff. Fast foward a couple months the day before her srugery had came ! we were all really nervouis about it of course but not her she was a bad ass. She was just like yeah whatever ! So we all went to bed early beacuse we obvisally had to be up early to go to the hospital the next day. Well we got woken up by my boyfriends mom busting into our room screaming “ shes not waking up she wont get up.” my boyfriend ran downstairs while i sat upstairs trying to comfort his mom, then my boyfriend yelled for me to call 911. At this time we lived in a apartment that was likke a damn bomb shelter so we had no serive in that place. so i grabbed my phone and i ran downstairs to call 911 and there i seen him performing CPR on his grandmother. The ambluance arrived and again tryed bringing her back. But she was gone, she had passed away in her sleep the day before her surgery. As we sat around her body for HOURS waiting for the corner to get there. I think that is when it all started for me... just how fast it can happen like that...one day your here the next your not. That is when my fear of death started. Fast foward to about 2018. My grandma ( my moms mom ) had gotten sick, we all thought it was nothing and she was bounce right back like she always did ! she was a strong itlitan women ! But then we found out she had stage 4 lung cancer. The doctors said she had it for along time and it has taken over her lungs. Mind you my grandma always had a TERRIBLE hacking cough but she had always had that ever since i remebered !!! but that terrible cough was the cancer taking over her lungs. And the only reason she went to the doctors is beacuse she was a having a pain in her back and she was getting really out of breath and thats when they found it. I remeber i was at work when i found out, i texted her and said “ grandma youll get thru this, you have to get thru this i need you !” and she repiled “ dont worry sweetheart ill be just fine.” about a week later my grandma was in hospis. It took that short of time for the cancer to actaully spread to her bones and she got stage 2 bone cancer. One day we were all up there visiting her beacuse we knew she didnt have long and she knew it too.... the preiset came in and read her her last rights. And let me tell you that was the most saddest thing to watch and hear. To just know this man is hear to read me this beacuse i am going to pass away anyday now....after that my grandmother began deterating quickly, she slept 90% of the time, she didnt eat, didnt drink, she couldnt open her eyes. They had her on a 24 hour morphine drip just to keep her comfotable. We were all up there every single day. My mom and aunt would take turns staying the night at the hospital. Till one night my dad and uncle talked them into just coming home and getting some rest and they could go back tomorrow. That night nobody was there my grandma passed away in her sleep at 4am. The doctor said she had been waiting to be left alone so nobody had to be there when it happened. Its been 3 years now since my grandma has been hgone and god damn do i miss her. Now at this time me, my boyfriend and his mom had moved into this old farm house we were renting out from this TERRIBLE lady ! but we had no where to go. This house was fallling apart the windows wouldnt open, the floors were snking in, the foundation was cracking, there was mold in the back room, we had propain heat and this house was NOT ventailed well at al.... like i said it was like a old 70s farm house... and we had well water. After about a year of living there i became really sad and thats when i noticed my anxiety. The house just didnt feel like home. We were about 30 minutes from the closest store it just sucked. and the landlord was terrible she would always yell at us for shit even tho we tryed fiixng that house up the best we could ! i scrubbed that house from top to bottom ! we re-painted i re-did the enire outside put in some flowers and what not to make it look some what decent. But she still treated us like shit. We always lost power, the wind would blow the wrong way and boom no power, the winders were very cold like i said we had propain heat and the only heater was in the living room the pipes would freeze if we didnt have the water running. We lived on a dirt road whitch in the winter time was nothing but a sheet of ice. And at this time me and my boyfriend both didnt have jobs we had just moved there. So i finally got a job at tacobell...worst mistake ever. That job broke me down til there was nothing left of me. It made me angry,sad and stresssed ! And i did it for 6 years ONLY beacuse my boyfriend had yet to find a job.... he went without a job for a long time.... and i was the only one with a car so everything felll on me....to cleaning the house, to working, everyone using my car, me buying things for myself, him and his mom. It was just realy stressfull. But that is when i noticed my anxiety getting alittle worse well at the time i didnt know it was anxiety but i ended up doing tones of research on it and everything pointed to anxiety. I woulld have panicattacks here and there but not very offten, and they were really random as well. And i was able to control them and my anxiety with home remidies and what not! But i have always been the person to stress before theres even stress to stress about but i never thought anything of it i just thought it was me stressing out ! And looking back now i would always have to clean the house and get things done when i planned to do it and it wasnt just vaccuming or dusting it was scrubbing the walks doing all the laundry, re organzing things, i would get home from work at 4pm and literally not stop untill about 10-11pm at night. so i was always on the go always ! i was working 50 hours a week, i was a store manager at the time so everything at the sore fell on me as well. So fast foward to november 2018 around that time i had noticed my attacks becoming more frequent. My boyfrind had finally found a good job and i was so excited i thought everything was going to change ! and 2 weeks into the job he quit, right back at sqaure one, at this point i had also leased a jeep so i now had 2 cars a truck and my jeep he was driving the truck, and of course it broke down and he never fixed it. so back to sqaure one with 1 car, things at work were becoming really stressfull with the holidays coming up so i was working alot more then 50 hours mind you i was salary so i only got paid for 8 hours. so stress from everything falling on me, him not working, the truck breaking, getting a new car, the winter ( i hate winter ), being depressed about living in that house and having no life beacuse i worked so much i was just a mess. So one night we go to sleep right everything was fine i was fine ! i had alittle cough so i took some cough medicine and went to sleep. We got woken up around 4am from his mom coming into our room telling us that his uncle ( her brother ) was in the hospital on life support, i was shocked and said but i was so tired i couldnt understand anything ! so my boyfriend jumped outta bed and went into the living rooom to see what happened. so it was 4am there was nothing we could really do, it was snowing like crazy so we all just tried going back to sleep. Now what had happened with his uncle is her had a tripple bypass i belive after he had a heartattack along time ago, his heart wasnt well, he was also diabetic and a heavyer set guy. He woke up in the middle of the night really cold i guess and his wife woke up and asked him what was wrong he said “ im really really cold !” so he got up to get a blanket and use the restroom, he then busted back into his bedroom telling his wife to call 911, so she did before she could even figure out what was hapeening. Well what was happenig his lungs were filling up with fluid and filling quickly, she was on the phone with 911 and he was begging her to tell them “ hurry i dont want to die .” he was sufforcating. By the time they got there he was blue and wasnt breathing he had died before they got there. Then in the amblanuce they brought him back and he crashed again. Then they got his to the hospital and got him back again but by that tiime it was to late he had went 17 minutes without any oxygen to his brain. His brain was swelling his lungs were stilling filing up with fluid. He was on life support for i think 3 days. So THAT morning i woke up and my entire life was flipped upside down.... i woke up having a TERRIBLE PANIC ATTACK i felt like my lungs had collapssed on me. I was having BAD disrealaztion whitch at the time i didnt even know excisted !!! So i woke up and ran outside beacuse before when i would have attacks i would go outside and it was ease up....not this time. My panic attack lasted about 1 hour i couldnt breath, i was so confused, i didnt know what was happening, my heart felt really weird, i felt like i didnt know what was going on around me, i was sweating, crying, hyperventalating, my hands started to go dumb and lock up on me. I finally calmed down a bit but i still felt SO WEIRD not only beacuse of the disrealazation but i just didnt feel like ME its like my brain just did a completely 180 on me, so we went up to the hospital to say our goodbyes to his uncle and what not, and the whole way there i was just freaking out beacues of the way i was feeling ! i remeber i was in the back seat and i HAD to be touching my boyfriends shoulder or i would just freak out ! We got to the hospital and i hugged everyone telling them how sorry i was.But after that its like i couldnt talk words just wouldnt come out of my mouth. we went into the room to see his uncle ( mind you hes on life supprort hooked up to all sorts of things ) and my boygfriend asked me “ are you okay are you going to be able to go in? “ i was like yeah i should be fine. So we went in and i wasnt fine....i just stood there in shock staring at his uncle beacuse we had just seen him and he was fine, laughing, joking around, picking on me like he always does! But now there he was having a machine help him breath, no brain activity, you could see his face swelling from the brain swelling. The whole room began to spin and i got really sweaty. I wanted to cry cuz i was really sad and upset about it ! he was a amazing man ! but i just couldnt nothing would come out !!! So after saying our goodbyes and talking to everyone we went home. Again i had to be touching my boyfriend in the back seat. We got home around 10pm i beliave and i started having these terrible attacks, i again felt like my lungs were collapssing but this time it felt really real my chest was hurting, my body was so tense i would barley move, i was so dizzy, i was this overwhelming feeling of just pure DOOM. I thought forsure i was going to die. i thought that was it. So my boyfriend rushed me to the hospital i could telll on his face he was scared too....i never had a attack like this not this strong. As we are driving im begging him to go faster as im grabbing my chest telling him i cant breath. We get to the hospital and i try to explain to them whats going on. so they take my vitals whitch were all normal i think ? i dont remember. and had me go sit back in the waiting room, i was still sobbing cuz i was so scared and i couldnt breath i was still grabbing my chest, i tryed sitting down but i couldnt its like my insides were crawling !! so i had to pase the hallway untill they called me back. they finally called me back i got into the room and they asked me yet again what was going on and i told them everything i was felling they hooked me up to a ECG, blood pressure cup and oxyen finger thingy. Mind you i still couldnt breath and this is going on about 2 hours now. i ripped everything off of me and i walked into the hallway begging the nurse to put oxygen on me. I dont know why but i thought it would help me ! and shes like “ i really dont think you need it your not pasty or blue but if it will make you feel better yes.” so she came in and put pxygen on me i began taking deep breaths hopping i would be able to breath again and slowky i was able to breath again, they ended up running TONES of blood work on me, chest xrays, EKGS and urine tests on me. and everything came back fine.there like you had a panic attaack. im like no ! i have had a panic attakc before it felt nothing like this !!! And they cointued to tell me theu found notrhing wrong at all. I was so fucking confused and scared so from there they gave me valium, first time i have ever had it ! and with in 10-20 minutes i was fine. really tired but fine ! i thought to myself “ okay that was just a really bad panic attack i was overwheilmed by everything going on ill go home go to bed and wake up and everything will be fine!” boy was i wrong.... i woke up having a terrible panic attack again, disrealazation was still with me strong as ever. I just kept thinking to myself this cant be happening to me again i am dying !!!! This one lasted about 1 hour and after that i was really tired but i still was feeling really weird really off like somthing just wasnt right !!! from that night on i had at least 4 panic attacks a day and inbetwwen those panic attacks i was having anxiety attavcks. i was in the ER almost everyday. in the matter of 3 months i was in the ER at least 60 times.and each time they found nothing. I began going to other hosptails beacuse i thought they werent looking hard enough i literally thought i was dying from somthing. disrealaztion for me lasted about 2 months straight. Then i started to get horrible memory loss, terrible night sweats, i couldnt sleep, i couldnt function. i wasnt eating or drinking. so everytime i would go to the hospital they would pump me full of fluids. when i started getting the memory loss i was freaking out even more i was conviced somthing was wromg with my head thats why this was all happening i have a tumor or somthing i thought to myself !!! so off to the hospital we went.... they did a nuero exam on me and said everything looked great and did stroke tests on me too said all looked fine ! i began crying hysterically. Then the dr said would you feel better if we did a CT scan, i said yes please !!! so they did so. all came back clear. I was so confused again and frustarted i didnt understand what was happening !!!! And the memory loss contuined to get worse so i went to the hiospital a few more times for it i had another CT scan a few months after that, still all clear. At this point in time i became obssesed in trying to figure out what the hell was going on with him ! I started googling none stop, reading books about anxiety, listing to popcasts, i began trying everything, journaling, mediataing, cut out all caffine, trying essental oils, breathing techinques you name it ive tryed it. Nothing seemed to help. I decied to go see a physcaligist ive never went thru any of this before so i didnt know what to expect. He asked me a bunch of queshtions but before he would even start asking me queshtions i started crying. So by the end of it i was dignosed with GAD, ocd and depression. He put me on lexapro and ativan. I took the lexapro for a week and it made every 10 times worse i couldnt take it anymore. At that point i decied to try the natural route and bought $50 worth of supplemts that didnt help. So i seen a diffrent physcartist beacuse i didnt really like him. She added another great ole trate to my diganoses health anxiety. She put me on paxil and ativan. The ativan is the only thing that kept me sane. It was like once i took the ativan all my problems fadded away but once it wore off i was full of anxiety again. Now here we are 7 months later. Still in and out of the hospital not as much. Still on paxil 30mg and ativan 1mg twice a day. Still fearing that i am dying every single day. I didnt belive the doctors so i took it apon myself to go see all these specialist, i just had this gut feeling like my body was telling me somthing was wrong !!! ( still do ) So i started off with a nueroligst told him all my smyptoms done and by the end of the vist he wanted me to get 13 diffrent tests done. So lets see if i can remeber them all... i had brain and nack MRI, a brain MRA, EMG, nerve testings on my legs and arms, some inner ear testing, VAG test, a test to see if i was having sezuires and theres more i just cant remeber them all. But at the end of it nothing was found but polyps in my sinus cavity, a vistbular disorder and thats it. Then i went on to see a rhymotligist where she testsed me for every autoammone diease possible, also arthrits and FYBO. she found nothing but slight carppel tunnel in my right wrist. Then i went and seen a ears, nose and throat docotor, he found a lump in my thyroid that i JUST had biopsied 3 days ago and waiting for the results. I also seen a cardioligist i wore a halther monitor for 2 days they found nothing but a few PVCS and one SVT, i had a stress test done whitch came back perfect and a echo whitch where they found a thicking of one of my artires but he said it wasnt effecting me at all and i probaly was born with it and my body has learned to work around it. I also seen a vision specialst and my eyes are fine just need new glasses. So like i said i now take 30mg of paxil 1mg of ativan and i make doctor appts on the regular still beacuse im still not convinced this is anxiety. I am suposse to see the nureoligist in sept. for a fallow up but i made a earlier appt beacuse of the symptoms im still having im still convined somthing is wrong with my head. And mind while all this is first starting im still trying to work at the job were i work 50 hours a week as a store manager, i had to demote myself to assistant manager beacuse i couldnt handle it anymore, and i was barley at work beacuse i was always at the hospital. so about 3 months after demoting myself they fired me. So me and my boyfriend were both without a job so lets add that on. So i had this brillant idea of moving..... i thought maybe its beacuse of this house we are in maybe thats my issue ! So i went out put a down payment on a brand new trailer and we moved smack dab in the middle of winter. But yet i still felt terrible, i wasnt even excited about moving i felt nothing. i felt numb to everything. So hear i am still suffering each and everyday in this new trailer. I did have a job but i recently just quit it 2 days ago. I couldnt stand working there i felt like it was bringing me down more. but the plus side of that is i have 4 interviews on monday ! oh and my boyfriend HAD a awesome job landscpaing making good money ! and he quit that about 2 weeks ago. We still are with 1 car ( mine ) beacuse he has yet to fix the truck. Ive been on paxil for about 3 months now and ativan for about 4 months. The paxil has helped ease the anxiety alot. the ativan is the only thing that keeps me sane. But i still suffer everyday. i am so depressed. i am not the person i once was. I use to love being outside doing things, i loved cleaning beacuse it calmed me and i felt better after doing so, i use to love having fun and laughing i use to love working ! i was the person that ALWAYS had to be doing somthing. But now i am the complete oppisite. i dont know what it feels like to be truley happy anymore, to laugh, to smile, to not be scared or worried. I have no idea what it feels like to be normal anymore. I wake up everyday wishing, hoping, praying today will be a good day, but it never is. Anxiety or whatever this is hit me like a god damn fright train and has totally ruined my life and who i am. I know this was a super long post but i need to know im not the only one out there feeling these things. I need to know i am not dying, i am not crazy. Is a anxiety disorder really THIS BAD ?! Thanks so much for reading guys and please please please feel free to reach out. im going to list my symptoms below. And im going to try to keep posting. Thanks guys.

Everyday symptoms:

when i wake up in the morning or from a nap i feel really weird and spacey.

Night sweats

Blurry vision

shaking

memory loss

mood swings

genreal feeling of just fear

always on edge

crying spells

my body aches ( almost feel as if my body is bruised on the inside)

ALWAYS TIRED

back and neck pain and stiffness

my legs and arms randomly go tingly

pee ALOT

sleep alot

i dont remeber my dreams

overwhelming saddness

my head offten feels weird, its a feeling i cant even explain it feels like my brain is just going to shut down

ears ring

headaces

brain fog

somtimes when i wake up in the morning i feel swollen but my body isnt actutaly swollen

heart palpations

twitching/cramps

i sweat alot

my appetite is eaither there or its not

random dizzy spells

pressure in my head

feel the need to do somthing but not sure what it is

lost all intrest in everything

always thirsty

feeling like anxiety or health issues are always on my mind

i dont talk much anymore

i have isolated myself from almost everyone

no sex drive

constant reassurance

craving for sugar

cant figure out my triggers ( this causes alot of anxiety )

WHEN IM HAVING A ATTACK:

my mind goes blank or my thoughts race

half the time i cant understand my thoughts

i think and feel like im going to die

body tenses up

hyperventalate

the strong urge to just give up

fear that this will be my life forever

I USE TO GET A RACING HEART BUT NOW I DONT*** now i just feel like my heart beats funny and i get palpations here and there

uncontroble crying

this scary feeling whitch im assuming is impending doom

sudden urge to pee

feeling like my body is just shutting down

my memory seems to get worse in the middle of a attack

i recently started having suicidel thoughts

thinking about whats going to happen later or tomorrow ( how im going to feel what im going to do )

i get so upset that i am having a attack and cant figure out why so i will try to think of why im having a attack

#anxitey #mental health #anxiety sucks #depression

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tumblunni · 5 years

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hey uhhh YKNO WHATS GOOD brainstorming potential headcanons for a character you know NOTHING ABOUT

i guess its less headcanons and more like.. wishes? hopes? what i think would be cool to do with this dude and like ALL I KNOW is that he is a cool dude and apparantly he doesnt have a backstory or sympatheticness SO consider what if he did and maybe thatd be cooler. like dude he owns THE SINGLE BEST BOSS BATTLE THEME IN ALL VIDEOGAMES EVER and that is ALL I KNOW ABOUT HIM and i just want him to deserve it, yo. also if he turned good i could be his friend and some of the badassness would rub off on me

ANYWAY

COOL SQUID PRESIDENT

i would vote for this man as squesident

seriously the design is SO GOOD!!! how did they manage to get such a cool colourscheme out of his entire Thing being that he has no colours?? like damn i like white being used as an evil colour for once, thanks. it symbolizing emptyness and emotionlessness is like BIG YES and i really hope thats what they were going for cos apparantly the wiki says that all the yokai who join his “we should never be friends with humans” gang turn colourless to match? but like the dude himself is less plain white and more very light shades of blue, grey and gold. MAYBE REFLECTS THAT HE IS A MANIPULATIVE DOUCHE WHO MAYBE DOESNT REALLY CARE ABOUT YOKAI AND JUST WANTS TO RULE THE WORLD PERHAPS dammit why does everything about him scream “great 100% evil guy who is very scary” when man I WANT TO LIKE HIM, DAMMIT!!

ALSO SERIOUSLY the visual effect of the wild spirally red yellow eyes against an otherwise “peaceful” colour whose entire point as an evil is “peaceful” taken to a bad extreme. it REALLY immediately sells that “tries to pretend to be calm, collected and fancy but is actually an angry mofo at heart” vibe i got from his theme song??? I REALLY HOPE THATS ACTUALLY HOW THIS COOL BOSS BATTLE GOES DOWN cos man the best villains are smug asshles who Always Win and then when you FINALLY win you get that much of a better ending!!! but AGH another part of me is like “i hope im wrong because he looks like a Cool Dad and i want him to be good”. Maybe his true design concept was to betray me personality with using all his cool dad power for evil...?

ALSO im not gonna spoil you guys on it cos it is JUST AS AMAZING AS HIS SONG but i was toooootally right that he has some sort of super intimidating second form and its got THE COOLEST DESIGN EVER HOLY SHIT! and also apprantly there’s a recoloured bonus boss called Minister Squisker who’s like a colour swap in a really creative way?? it swaps him being all “blank” themed with scary bright eyes and instead his entire body is a wild ye olde mythological illustration style paint job in every colour ever. okay COOL HEADCANON NUMBER ONE thats actually the regular colour of the species and mckraken is the white sheep of the family lol

also UHHH i dunno it seems kinda weird to me that theyd have this dude running a goddamn political party about humans being bad yet he doesnt seem to have any motivation whatsoever for it? unless it really is just supposed to be ‘he only pretends he wants to protect yokai from humans so he can manipulate and rule the yokai’. but like HYPOTHETICALLY in some universe where he actually lives up to his Grumpy Dad Who Has A Hidden Soft Spot potential, maybe he has an understandable backstory that raises legitimate concerns about how humans are destroying the natural and mythological and forgetting their roots, or other reasonable reasons why yokai could think humans are dangerous and all. i mean we ARE dangerous, we’re just a wide group of people that contain evil bastards and also good people, yknow. And thatd resonate well as a plot probably, cos well the whole point of the series is “in real life ur scared of yokai but theyre actually all goofy pranksters who will be your best friend forever”. Both sides being afraid of each other could lead to some good plotness! and it could be really effective and sad if after hours of joyous childhood wonder the protagonist bumps into the first yokai they couldnt befriend. the first one thats scared of them. the first member of this weird colourless political party who accuses them of committing crimes against yokaikind, of obviously only enslaving these yokai friends cos you have an ulterior motive, just like all humans! it could be effective if its something that shakes up the whole way you saw the world and establishes that hey its not all fun and happiness, and there’s some people you are powerless to convince. maybe even some people you are powerless to save...?

ANYWAY possible idea for ‘what if the dude originally had a sympathetic motive but it got twisted over time and now he’s just a fuck BUT maybe he could still be redeeminated someday ok thanks” What if he’s the spirit of.. like.. ocean pollution? Like there’s some yokai who are ghosts of a mortal person but theres some that are just nature spirits or personifications of concepts. What if he’s the personification of the dying screams of all the wildlife killed in a particular tragic oil spill? hence squid = thematic, and blank white colourscheme = even more thematic reflecting the stain the oil would leave on a pristine ocean and also the blank emotionlessness he was left as after witnessing that tragedy. Cos like his entire Purpose would have been born out of avenging anger but i mean he was just a kid, the only one left alive on a ruined beach and seeing just how powerful humans were and how pointless it would be to try and fight them with his weak power. like he was born to avenge all these souls and he just keeps failing!! his entire reason to live and he’s just too small!! so he ends up becoming bitter and cynical and learning how to use his silver tongue to manipulate others into becoming his weapons, and he vows that someday he’s gonna come back when he has the power he needs to complete his mission. and he’s just forever had this anger seething inside that he’s been unable to get any catharsis from, so when his cold and collected persona cracks he’s really damn scary with all these years of a man who’s grown old fearing he’ll never be able to avenge his ocean friends and just AAAAAA! itd be really good cos itd be a way he could still be intimidating and high stakes as a boss fight but also sympathetic!! also it could make sense why he’d only be redeemable after defeating him? like this entire time he’s been hidden behind a million layers of politics and minions and stuff and its very easy for him to not see the reality of the fact that he’s terrorizing human children just like how humans scarred him as a child. so like his whole big second form transformation super anger mode time would be sort of a last ditch attempt to deny what he already knows, the doubts that have been eating away at his soul now he’s getting close to the end of his life goal. but also like.. he doesnt even know who he IS, under the lies! its been his entire purpose for existing. like he probably uhh.. didnt have much plans after his victory. he probably wouldnt have much will to live left. so yeah you basically beat up this guy’s emotional walls and make him face the face of the people he’s been hurting, when he’s been trying to avoid it for so long. and he gets to see how much all the other yokai genuinely trust you and how much youre personally sacrificing to protect them so maybe you really arent just lying about being a good person...

oh also i was thinking about the inherant hypocrisy present in the fact that this guy is a big spoopy REALLY WELL DESIGNED squid monster that spends all his time in a depowered humansona instead, despite his whole Thing being hating humans. and, yknow, ‘i’ll solve this using a carbon copy of human politics instead of any more traditionally magical way of fighting the humans’. Yeah. So THEORY of SADNESS maybe he like never actually met any other yokai for a long time? I dont think it really makes sense that he’d be hypocritical because he secretly likes humans or something, that wouldnt jive with this backstory idea. So im thinking another explanation could be that he genunely doesnt know much about yokai culture? Like cos of his backstory he just poofed into existance on this destroyed beach in the human world and spent the first few centuries of his life completely alone except for the terrifying monsters that haunted every second of his life, and the knowledge that it was his purpose to defeat them but he didnt know how. And he was a nature spirit of the sea but his sea was empty of everything except death, so he couldnt even hug a cute fish sidekick or something- OH GOD WHAT IF HE DID HAVE A CUTE FISH SIDEKICK AND IT DIED COS OF HUMANS!!! very tiny sad squid monster child holding a dead pet, oh god why did my heart did this to meeee!! so yeah he didnt even know he was a yokai or wtf yokai are, he didnt know anywhere outside the tiny rock pool he would hide in on this barren beach. And then someday he gets found by an older yokai and adopted and like he feels like he owes them so much cos they gave him a reason to live, and a connection to the nature that he was supposed to protect, and.. well.. any companionship at all ever. So thats how his directionless “humans are bad” turned into “yokai are good and i need to protect them from humans like i failed to protect the beach” which turned into “i need to get more power to do this” which turned into manipulating other yokai and seeing them as nothing more than tools to take down the humans, his revenge consuming him until he barely remembered the reasons he originally wanted to do it...

and blablabla thats where we bring in the recolour bonus boss also, and say thats the nice grandpa figure who adopted him when he was all lost and trapped in the human world. and cos he was sorta adopted into nobility thats why he’s so over the top with his pompousness, its like a hint of IM LOVV MY GRANDEPA shining through his grumpface. ALSO maybe a sad situation where the gramps saw his kid growing up into this scary extremist and he tried to reason with him that humans dont need to be destroyed and that led to them fighting and him getting sealed off in recolour bonus boss land. and mckraken sees it as the biggest betrayal of his life and it totally threw him off the slippery slope to feel like the one man he trusted the most was a traitor to yokai all along. but even at his most evil he couldnt bear to actually kill his beloved gramps so he just imprisoned him and tries to stop thinking about it but like THE CONSTANT SPECTRE OF THE GUILT HANGS OVER YOUR HEAD THAT YOU DID YOU GRAMPS WRONGGGG So yehmaybe protag could find the gramps guy and hear about the sad backstory via him and then defeat mckraken and make him realise he was wrong and he apologises to his gramps and atones and all the humans and yokai are friends again and BUNNI CRIES FOREVER the end

cos seriously man this guy’s design is too good to be wasted on a hateable!! srsly he’s like that archetypical goofy big beard chubby pirate dude BUT INTIMIDATING AND BADASS AND COOL FASHION AND DAVY JONES SQUID BEARD SQUEARD I LOVE HIM he is too round to be 100% evil

*slams fists on the table* IF YOU DONT LIVE UP TO MY EXPECTATIONS I AM GONNA CRY

aaa i need to stop just sitting here theorizing about this game and actually friggin play it lolllll

#bunni plays yokai watch #*looks at any villain of mediumly adequate dadliness* mine now

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