#very feminine at all. like the least amount of she her possible i still know that people will only call me by she and see me as a girl unles

[j0kers-light]

Hiii Chaos, how are you???

I was wondering how do you think Joker's relationship with his mum was like??

I think they had a good relationship, I also hc Joker was the younger brother who had to stay at home with his dad while his older brother just went away and never came back for him, just leaving him alone with all the mess at home.

And he just had to stick around with his drunken dad.

His mum was also a drunken but at least she cared about him, deeply.

Hello love! 🖤✨

I never thought about his parents actually. I bring a “I don’t care about his past” type of energy to the fandom that ppl don’t like. 🤷🏽‍♀️

I guess this is a think piece continuation to a backstory ask I had back in May!

If Joker did have a relationship with his mom, now that I think about it more; (I have to disagree with myself back in May) it would probably be very protective.

Joker drinks his feminine juice thank you very much so he took majority of the abuse in order to protect her. There's no hard feelings between mother/son despite the crappy living situation.

Ever wonder how Joker is so soft and sweet with you? Traits he learned from taking care of his mother. 👩🏾‍💻

If she’s still alive (omg the possibilities) she would be set for life, a literal queen.

She hasn’t a clue what her son does up in the big city—all she knows is that a nice man drops off a duffel bag each month with money and a handwritten note from her son. She ain’t complaining but it would be nice to see her son..

Joker crafts each letter with a shocking amount of love and care. A completely different man emerges when he writes to his mother and she keeps each one and treasures them dearly.

Her name is the password for many important things in Joker’s operations. He's so far removed from his old life, no one is the wiser. If J dies, there’s even a protocol in place for his mom (and you of course).

Things obviously weren’t easy growing up with a deadbeat father so Joker makes sure his mother is happy now and lives life comfortably.

He can never visit her (duh his scars and he's kinda ashamed of who he's become) but he thinks of her as much as he does his Light. So like everyday.

I can guarantee you Joker killed his father. Moving right along.

Any siblings would no longer matter to Joker. They either deserted him and Mom or they didn’t help fight back when J got fed up for the last time…Joker considers that a sign of weakness. They’re dead to him.

Joker dreams one day that his Light will get to meet his mom (if she's still alive. We don't know how old she is)

He wants the two most important women in his life to know each other. One is from his past, the other his future.

[liskantope]

I'm generally very fond of Kat Rosenfield and the way she puts her views on her podcast Feminine Chaos, but in one of the most recent episodes, she muses on the question of "is it better to desire or to be desired?" (apparently younger women tended more to prefer the latter, to the slight consternation of both Kat and her podcast partner Phoebe Maltz-Bovy), one of Kat's musings is a little hard for me to know how to digest.

I was thinking about this, maybe too philosophically, and... I think that, to desire things -- I mean, not just people, but to, I don't know, to desire anything, to, like, be able to inculcate that, that feeling inside of you, is to be kind of alive to possibility in a way that is exciting and that makes a person feel like kind of, I don't know, that feels like the fullest expression of your humanity. Whereas, to be desired, I mean, like, that can be nice, you know, in the sense of like, "yeah, I still got it", which is sometimes nice to feel, especially as I am, you know, advancing in middle age. But, I don't know, you're not gonna pay your rent with it, and it's not gonna enrich your life, particularly. All it does is, I mean, I think, in like the worst cases, foment a certain amount of anxiety, because like, you know, what happens when people stop desiring you, if like, if that's the better thing, it's got an expiration date on it. Whereas, desire, you can want stuff your entire life.

This is a blend of two sharply distinct elements for me. Firstly, her attitude about being desired not having much effect on one's life strikes me as reaching over-the-top levels of insensitivity to what un-partnered not-super-conventionally-attractive people have to think about -- it feels to me like an expression of (somewhat gender-tinted) "attractiveness privilege" if you will (Kat Rosenfield is, um, quite gorgeous by my lights and probably to many others as well). Seriously, being desired "doesn't pay the rent"?! (Arguably it reflects a more general sort of privilege -- Rosenfield long before 40 has established a great, fulfilling career, is happily married, and owns a decently nice home for instance -- that makes it hard to remember that desiring relatively basic things one doesn't have or feel particularly hopeful about getting can be a quite painful form of "wanting stuff".)

But it's so over-the-top that I feel fairly sure there's a much more charitable way to understand what she was getting at, that she was considering the question in a very contextual frame of mind and would probably immediately understand my (surely much more common-sense) point of view if it were put in front of her (which Phoebe did not do) and she were forced to be a little less, as she acknowledged, philosophical. At least, I'd like to think?

The other salient aspect of the above quote for me is that it includes a really beautiful take on what it means to desire, whose general terms have more and more reflected my thoughts as I get older. I honestly think the capacity to desire and the capacity to be desired are equally important in their own ways, and a lot of the importance of the former was encapsulated eloquently in Kat's explanation. And I feel somewhat of a bitterness about the value of being able to desire, a smaller version of the bitterness I feel about the value of being desired: I am becoming very concerned as of late that I no longer have the capacity to be strongly attracted to anyone romantically (or maybe even sexually), and I find that kind of terrifying actually.

[layingeggs]

I think I actually feel disappointed by the ending of Okaeri Alice.

spoileys spoileys spoileys.

Okay yeh it's Mitani and Ren's ending. LOL Mitani and Ren's stories are literally just unfinished.

Yohei and Kei's stories I feel like you could poke holes in. Especially if you're not inclined to psychosexual transsexualism. 'eurgh what was that, they switched bodies but they're still male? where's my gender gend'.

(Of course, as all of us know, they did actually switch bodies and switch genders and switch biological sexes. It was very clearly a symbolic representation of transcending those boundaries. People who complain that it wasn't enough just aren't really looking.)

But Mitani and Ren? The last time we saw Mitani, if you don't count the final pages where really we're just seeing her from Yohei's perspective, she was literally retreating from the offer of transcending boundaries and instead retreating into her established toxic pattern of seeking comfort in the familiar.

Mitani has frequently displayed transmisogynistic lashing out and predation throughout this manga. Frankly, I was fully expecting her to just turn to exploiting a young trans man as a new coping mechanism! To hear that her and Ren are just doing well, and there's no further elaboration beyond that? They're just doing well.

Mitani explicitly has not yet worked through what it actually is about femininity that makes her feel restricted or inadequate. Ren hasn't actually worked through her gender feelings yet.

That scene where Kei tells Ren that she can still be a beautiful feminine girl even being tall and having small boobs. Was THAT supposed to be Ren working through her desire to live as a different gender? Just getting one brief compliment and then being happy as a girl again, was that it?

Honestly, I do feel it's Shuzo Oshimi revealing a bit of a weakness for writing a different perspective of questioning and exploring gender. He writes such incredible and profound narratives around camab gender variance. And he's good at writing cis women too! But he tries his hand at one "girl questioning if maybe she would actually prefer to be a boy" and just regurgitates the same shame and gradual acceptance of femininity.

Come on. This is weak. Kei got to actually transition. Let Ren transition too for pity's sake.

Further compounded by the fact that this is a disturbing consistent pattern across anime and manga. A lot of authors write storylines about 'young girls exploring possibility of being a boy', and there's a certain amount of genuineness there, right up until they write in the detransition narrative and the 'loving triumphant return to femininity'. It's horrible, I hate it.

Surely, surely, our beloved horrible weirdo Shuzo Oshimi wouldn't just play into a trope like that. And yet here we are.

The other thing that Shuzo Oshimi is excellent at is exploring abuse and trauma. So once more, it's not just that I'm mad that Ren never transitions, just sits on the fence and thinks about it. But also that there was a very obvious narrative branch there that could lead to Mitani abusing Ren and it just goes completely unexplored.

Again, I return again to that scene in the hospital room. Kei and Yohei coming to a mutual understanding of dysphoria and desire to heal from it. Realising that Mitani and Ren are there witnessing that change, and trying to extend it to them and welcome them in on it.

Only for Mitani to retreat and lean on Ren to comfort her. What about Ren's desire to work through her issues! If not to transition then at least to carve out a space away from restrictive patriarchy femininity!

Ren could have been there with Kei and Yohei. She could have gotten in on the breaking down and rebuilding of self visions that they had. But no, instead she has to be the big strong one for a neurotic cis girl who has repeatedly shown avoidance of introspecting more deeply on why she is so neurotic.

This is prime Shuzo Oshimi material. This is exactly the sort of thing that he writes. And all we get to follow it up is an epilogue saying that Mitani and Ren are doing okay?

I really just don't believe this story is supposed to end here. I think it's supposed to keep going. I think it was a mistake to end it here.

[greenerteacups]

i read the last chapter and it was AMAZING! i love these characters so much. YULE BALL DID NOT COME TO PLAY. it did have me slightly owrried, and u can choose to not answer this, but should we be worried about daphne causing issues between hermione and draco?

Hey, thank you! I'm so glad you liked it!

So, the shortest answer is, I can't tell you that without spoiling the fun. The slightly less short answer is — actually, hang on, I'm going to give you the less short answer under a cut.

Okay, cool, spoiler liability waived. The less short answer is: yeah, probably! I mean, at the risk of being too cheeky, there have to be problems for there to be a story, right?

Long answer, though, because I think I get what you mean: there's this really old cliché where girls in fiction can only be friends if there's no possibility of them being romantic rivals — like, if one or both of them is taken, or if one is the sister of the other's love interest, or if they have different sexual orientations — and it goes hand-in-hand with the classic conflict of "girls are catty to each other because they like the same boy," which is a pretty tired trope, and doesn't terribly interest me. At least, I'm interested in taking it a level deeper than "women be crazy," because usually, when women are romantic rivals, the actual tension isn't even about the man at all, it's about the way women are perceived in perpetual competition for male validation and are encouraged to treat romance as The Defining Quest of female existence.

It's also not how I see Hermione, necessarily. Does she get jealous? Sure, man. Absolutely. She's a teenager. Does she get catty? Yeah, sometimes! Does she have a little bit of difficulty connecting with other women, especially women who are more feminine or less academically oriented than she is? Totally! Is that probably due to some internalized misogyny that she may even be aware of and yet still can't overcome? I think so!! And most of all, I think exploring those ideas is more interesting than yet another story where two girls hate each other for no reason except that they're competing for a boy's attention. Hermione is irritated by Daphne, but on some level, she understands that neither Daphne nor Draco is the reason she's feeling badly; or, rather, they are, but it's not something they're doing on purpose. One of the big things Hermione's taking away from the Yule Ball experience was the realization that if she doesn't ask for what she wants, she can't expect to get it, and that means she's going to have to put on her big girl boots and get better at expressing her desires. We see this in how her attitude towards Draco changes drastically from the start to the end of the chapter — mostly because (a) she had a good night and realized the date thing Wasn't That Deep, but also (b) she might've realized that he does care for her — he dances with her, he helps her to bed — and, crucially, so does Daphne! Who spends Chapter 43 trying to metaphorically windmill her arms and throw out every signal she can, like: Hey, we're not rivals! I know I kind of fucked this up, but I really want to be your friend here, I swear!

At the end of the day, Daphne is a new initiate to a cliquey friendgroup, and she's the first person to join the Gryffindor Four who has a significant amount in common with Draco. Moreover, Draco hasn't really brought anyone into the friendgroup before — he's always been a satellite to the main three, heavily leaning toward Hermione's end (it's kind of hard to imagine that he'd be friends with Harry or Ron if Hermione hadn't been first). So, naturally, she's the most sensitive to it when she feels that balance shifting, and he becomes a more central locus in the group, especially since Daphne shares things with Draco that none of the other Gryffindors do (and that Hermione, in particular, very much does not). Draco doesn't really care about that — I think it's fairly obvious that Draco's feelings for Daphne are totally platonic, even brotherly, if anything — but Hermione is attentive to it, and it plays into her insecurities. So, yeah, it does cause issues, but not the kinds of issues that make everyone act insufferable and OOC. (In my opinion, anyway. You'll have every right to judge for yourself, and I hope you end up agreeing with me.)

[fioredistella]

@hetalia-rarepairweek

Mythical creatures / Lithuania/belarus

The day after rainfall was one of Belarus's favourite times to wander the woods. The grass was fresh and verdant and the forest was filled with the wonderful smell of fresh earth and living plants. However most wonderful of all was the treat of finding mushrooms. It was one of her few unmitigated delights. By now she has gathered a fair amount on her basket, and whenever she saw a new group poking out of the dark earth she quickly bent down, her long pallad fingers rooting in the black earth as it dug the mushrooms out, dirt caking underneath her fingernails. 

As she picked the final fungus she sensed a presence behind her. Belarus stiffened and then rapidly turned around. 

It was Lithuania, his brown hair shining slightly in the lowering sunlight peeking through the trees. He smiled slightly, "I don't know there were any rusalka here." He spoke in a light teasing tone, one that was filled with affection, but that also had a sense of hesitancy to it. 

Belarus scoffed, "Do you have a death wish? Or is this a specific request for me to drown you?

He laughed sheepishly, "It's just a joke, well kind of. I haven't seen very many, but you do look as beautiful as one Natasha. You always do." He paused and then added, still smiling, "I'll just come back anyways. You know that." 

This time she tutted, then stood up and attempted to walk away, but Lithuania followed after. "Are you busy or going somewhere?" 

"I finished gathering mushrooms here, so why the hell should I stay? And thinking about it, that's so fucking unoriginal, comparing me to a rusalka." She understood why though, she just didn't want to agree with him. 

"Well, how about to a laume?" He still followed after her. 

"The ones that look partly like birds with huge tits or the ones that look like beautiful women?" 

He stopped for a moment, stammered, "The second one of course!" and then continued following her. 

"You'd love to see me naked again wouldn't you, you fucking pervert," but she was mildly gratified and flattered. 

Lithuania blushed, "They can wear pretty clothing too, like you always do."

She was even more flattered at that, but showed nothing. 

"I don't bring luck to others, or to myself."

Lithuania frowned, "Everyone alive is unfortunate sometimes. Some more than others, it's just how life is." He paused and then said, "I wish I could bring you luck."

She scoffed again, "Don't fucking bother." However she agreed with his statement on life at least. 

They were both quiet now and the trees thickened. Suddenly Belarus stopped, causing Lithuania to almost run into her. 

"Natasha?"

She glared at him and put her finger to her lips, then  gripped his hand so tightly it almost hurt. He was quite surprised and pleased with this, so much so that he almost didn't notice when she progressed slightly and then stopped once more. 

"Shut up and look."

He looked over her shoulder at a clearing in front of them that was boarded by the trees they were hidden in.

It was a large clearing with a vast field, and in the middle of that field was a large lake. The water was flat and still in the growing darkness, and on the side of the lake nearest to them there was a group of three feminine figures. 

Their hair was long and blonde, almost silvery and shining in the dim light, and their skin so pallad that if they had been closer it would have been possible to see slight blue veins in their arms and hands. They were thin, their hands almost seeming like bony claws, and they were draped in loose white dresses that showed the outline of their bodies though the thin wet fabric. 

They were lovely, Lithuania thought, but Belarus was lovelier. She did look similar though. 

"Don't make a damn sound. They don't mind me, but we both know they"ll try to drown you and it'd be too much of a fucking pain to wait for you to come back to life after I manage to get your stupid big tree body back." 

"What should we do?"

"Do? Nothing, we respect their space and wait for them to leave. Then we pass by without touching the water." 

He nodded, seeing no reason to object. After all, this would mean spending more time with Belarus, which was delightful, and he was still holding her hand too.

They sat there, the two of them, and waited. The hours passed by, but they were both unsure how much of them did. In the meantime they soaked in the forest, listening to the birds and hearing trees rustle as animals went about their way and they quietly spent a rare moment enjoying one another's presence. It was almost like childhood, they both thought. It made Belarus a little sad, but she said nothing about this. 

The voices of the rusalka finally ceased, and the spell was over. They knew it was time to leave. The two of them finally stood up and left with Belarus leading the way. They passed the now silent lake and went forward into the woods, staying in silence as well. 

Finally they exited and Belarus said, "It's late and I'm done here." She began to walk away 

Lithuania stayed where he was as he watched after her, but he said, "Maybe I'll see you tomorrow? It was nice, being with you, I missed it. We haven't recently." His voice was sad, almost yearning. 

Belarus glanced at him. At first she wanted to deny him, but then said, "Maybe. Who the hell knows," and walked away with her mushrooms. 

As she left Lithuania smiled softly and sighed, knowing her ways. 

Notes: Rusalka are feminine creatures in Slavic folklore that are associated with water and are usually malicious. They are usually seen as the unclean spirits of dead women and would lure men and drown them. They are always beautiful and have loose long blonde, black, or green hair. In Belarus they were also linked to forests and fields.

The laume are spirits associated with either the woods or the sky in Lithuanian and Latvian folklore that could either appear with animalistic features, with the parts of horses, goats, dogs, bears, or birds, or later on, as beautiful women. They could offer protection, but also be dangerous when angered. 

[thefuchsianeko]

More voice claims, and more characters this time around

I was gonna try to do all my Olivia characters I have so far, but a handful of them were proving difficult to figure out, so I decided to go with what I already had. If I can figure out the rest, I'll have a part two for this one.

Voice notes under the cut, copy-pasted from the video link:

(sorry if some are a lot shorter than the others, I have more to say about some of them than the rest... just know I stand by my choices for the most part lol)

Olivia Wolfgang - Tara Strong (Unikitty - UniKitty!): This was another one that in my mind was "specific yet vague" (still don't know if that phrase makes sense but), but I kind of figured it out? The thing with Olivia's voice is that I don't want it to be too annoying, but it still has to be the right amount of childish/excited. A lot of possible voices were either too high or babyish, or not childish enough. Since one of my biggest inspirations for her as a character was Spongebob (who is voiced by Tom Kenny), I supposed that a voice done by someone like Tara Strong could probably work, and I've found that her voice for Unikitty is the best example so far. However, one thing I need to mention is that I do imagine Olivia having a slight lisp. (Another one of her biggest inspirations is Larry the Cucumber from Veggie Tales, who has a lisp-- and if I were to direct someone voice-acting for Olivia, I'd probably tell them "like Larry the Cucumber but more girly," lol.)

Kevin Hyenadae - Dana Carvey (Garth Algar - Wayne's World): Garth has always been the voice I imagine for Kevin, again since Garth was a big inspiration for him. A very specific, awkward kind of voice. He sounds exactly like this tbh.

Dusty Carol - Tara Strong (Raven - Teen Titans): Another instance where I've always heard an OC this way (though I don't think Raven is much of an inspiration for Dusty's character beyond "both of these characters are goth-girls with purple in their colour-schemes."). A good balance of uninterested-goth who can still show positive emotions (there are plenty of examples of "goth-girl" voices that are way too monotone for my liking, at least in reference to my character.) Also don't get distracted by the fact that the examples I've used for both Olivia and Dusty are the same voice actress (Tara Strong), these are merely examples, rather than, "this is exactly the people I would cast if this was a cartoon with full voice-acting." It is kind of funny that they're the same actress here, though.

Audrey Hyenadae - Fryda Wolff (Penny Crygor - Warioware: Get It Together!): She should sound confident, maybe TOO confident. Very determined, too, and a little rough perhaps? But still young (she's 12c LOL.) I also considered Pepper Anne's voice for her, but I thought it sounded a little too old.

Parfait Brulee - Toni Barry (Snork Maiden - Moomin): Parfait's voice should be very light and delicate, kind of feminine and very nice. Not much else to say!

Laramie Lemon ("Lemon") - Melissa Altro (Pippi Longstocking - Pippi Longstocking (1998)): I'll be honest, I had a lot of trouble finding Lemon's voice claim. I knew she should sound real friendly, with an air of confidence. A real go-getter! But eventually I thought Pippi Longstocking's voice fit well enough. (Don't be surprised if one day I come back and change this one LMAO)

Tami Kachiyama - Michaela Dietz (Amethyst - Steven Universe): Kind of rough sounding, kind of rude but not too much. I think I've always imagined her sounding like Amethyst.

Ellie Gibson - Olivia Olson (Marceline - Adventure Time): She should sound really cool, and pretty chill. She knows what she's doing! Another one where I've always imagined her with this specific voice! I did consider Wendy's voice from Gravity Falls, but I found that it wasn't chill enough. (btw I could've included a snippet for singing, since Ellie is a musician who sings, but I decided I wanted more attention for a regular talking voice. You can look up any Marceline song from Adventure Time if you want an example.)

Conner Oakley - Rickie Sorensen (Arthur - The Sword In The Stone): Another one that was harder to figure out. But, I knew he should sound a little friendly and very kind, maybe a little awkward. There were a couple of voices I considered, but found they were a little too loud, or rough, etc. But I thought Arthur from Sword In The Stone was a pretty good fit! The only thing is that he should have a southern accent, too... But it's surprisingly difficult to find voices with American-Southern accents that aren't girls, rude-sounding, or fully-grown men lol. (I'll also tell you it was a bit hard to compile the voice lines for this one because Arthur has like three different voice actors in that movie lol, but I think I found lines from just the one va.)

Sally O'Dylan-Gaterson - Jo Firestone (Annie Fantasy - Teenage Euthanasia): Nerdy, nice, shy-sounding, with a bit of a lisp (though I don't have a preference on the severity of said lisp.) I also considered Gretchen from Disney's Recess, but she sounded too smart/sophisticated? Sally is nerdy, but not that much academically speaking.

Danny Squiggles - Arin Hanson (Max - Game Grumps' Sam & Max playthrough): Ok uhhhh this one's kind of funny. The idea for his voice was originally inspired by Jon Lovitz's Tommy Flanagan character from SNL (I know very niche lol), especially since he was partially inspired by that character. But, I thought that, while it would be EXTREMELY funny, I thought Danny should sound less like a fully-grown adult. Surprisingly, when I was casually watching Game Grumps' let's-play of Sam & Max, I found that the voice Arin did for Max let's play would fit pretty well. I also considered Meowth's voice, but he just sounds too much like a cat, yknow?

Margot Nodarobutte - Stephanie Anne Mills (Lindsay - Total Drama Island): Margot should sound like a girly-teenager. Kind of air-headed, too. But not too much? And not like a valley-girl. I thought Lindsay's voice fit those parameters well.

Chloe Lovebird - Colleen O'Shaughnessey (Crystal Flowers Snagrash - Psychonauts): Somehow it was hard to figure out Chloe's voice, but I got it eventually lol. She's gotta have a high voice, and she should sound pretty annoying. I mean, her annoyance-factor should rival Olivia's, lol. Very excitable. She's a parrot after all, lol.

Debbie Xander - Brittney Karbowski (Black Star - Soul Eater): Debbie is LOUD and ABRASIVE. She tends to yell. Very in-your-face, but not exactly mean. Also, I think she might sound a bit androgynous? Idk how many people would consider this particular voice androgynous-sounding, but eh.

Cammie Kharma - Lara Jill Miller (Libby Stein-Torres - The Ghost And Molly McGee): Cammie was another hard one, though I thought she should sound kind of nerdy and a bit upbeat. Also a slightly nasally voice would probably fit, what with her little horn-nose 'n all, lol. My first idea for the voice was actually Juniper Lee, but looking up the voice actress I found this role she did in The Ghost and Molly Mcgee, and thought the attitude of Libby's voice was a better fit.

Edward Tennyson - Todd Haberkorn (Death The Kid - Soul Eater): Ed's got that anime-type voice yknow. He takes everything too seriously and is pretty sophisticated. My first consideration for his voice was actually Haku from Spirited Away, but I thought that sounded TOO serious (though a very deadpan kind of voice could be pretty funny if executed right.) So I remembered Death the Kid from Soul Eater and thought that could work pretty well, though I might want him to sound a tiny-bit less goofy.

Liz Lawrence - Brigette Lundy-Paine (Billie Logan - Bill & Ted Face The Music): This was another hard voice to find, though I still had a good idea of what I wanted her to sound like. I wanted to find a Pauly Shore kind of voice, yknow? (I guess you'd call it a "stoner-type-of-voice" but that seems wrong to say about a 14-year-old LOL) Though most of those kinds of voices you find are boys. Some voices I found were just really chill, TOO chill and cool in fact. While thinking of Bill & Ted I remembered Face The Music and the fact that their kids in that movie were basically copies of them lol, and I thought Billie was a very good fit.

Vic Kilgore - Nathan Sharp (Damien LaVey - Monster Prom): Ok so my idea for Vic's voice was just, "like Nathan Explosion but a kid." Rough, and like... metal, I guess. But he's still an annoying kid. Thought Damien LaVey fit, although I think Vic wouldn't be so loud. (as a bonus, when Vic grows up he sounds more like Nathan Explosion lol)

[tornrose24]

So my mind IS aware on a much deeper level that June 2nd is the anniversary of the CU movie, because I was dreaming about a possible season 5 of TETOCU and Edith WAS in it.

But there were some details that made it feel really inaccurate.... and really weird:

-the layout of the school was different, but there was still a second floor.

-Edith’s appearance altered a few times and I was doubting that it was her at all. She still wore pink, but the shape of the dress and its patterns changed. Even her hair changed and at one point it was starting to resemble the OTHER Edith’s hair (and I’m all, yeah this isn’t right). Also someone (one of the boys I think) called her ‘Trixie’ which did NOT help. (Also, Trixie feels like the wrong name for a person like Edith.)

-And then there were four women which I think were meant to be the aliens from book 3 in disguise (and maybe Edith was the fourth women, which means she was likely an alien too), but they didn’t look like them. In fact one of the women was very tall, like a curvy/buff Alcina Dimiterscu and one other women was smaller and more feminine looking. And she was happily clinging to the big woman with a very affectionate look. 

-Which I guess means I had dream lesbians in my dream. Which is fitting since I had this dream right as we entered Pride Month.

-Krupp did appear, but he was wearing a beanie instead of his toupee for a brief time. (Ok this sounds hilarious as I write it out). I think it was tan colored.

-And then he’s collapsed on the floor of his office for some reason and Edith comes in.... but then I’M actually there too. And I know something isn’t right when Krupp’s head is resting in my lap instead of Edith’s. (Oh God, no it was NOT in a romantic sense. My dream self was realizing that I was in the wrong spot while Edith is kneeling by his side). I don’t know why he was knocked.

-After a certain amount of time, Krupp does take that beanie off... and then Edith falls out the window for some reason. I try snapping my fingers at him but he doesn’t turn into CU.

-Oh wait, Edith somehow got to the window next door and she pulled herself back inside. I honestly don’t know what the heck is going on anymore.

-Oh but it gets weird at the end because later I see Edith’s eyes glowing green in addition to Krupp’s. And I’m torn between wondering if the alien theory is real or if a certain someone’s au somehow bled into this weird version of season 5. Or at least a key detail of that AU.

So... that was my weird CU related dream. At least there’s more to it than that dream I had where I shoved Krupp into the closet because I didn’t want anyone I personally knew to see him since he was supposed to be a fictional character. And no, that dream didn’t have anything to do with LGBTQ themes.... and there were no dream lesbians either, for those who are wondering.

[sarinotsari]

My Issues With Gender and SRS

So lately I've been feeling less and less comfortable with she/her pronouns. That's not me saying I'm UNcomfotable using them, though. It's just that it doesn't feel... right. But none of the other pronouns I've used (he, they, fae, ve) feel like the right fit either. And I've done some research into other possible pronouns to use, but nothing seems like the right fit. And my issue with pronouns is that I use the labels "trans woman" (which in society immediately connects to she/her) and "nonbinary" (which connects to they/them), but the "norms" don't feel like the right fit for me. It also doesn't help that I go through phases of femininity, masculinity, and androgyny, making it even more difficult to find a pronoun I feel can encapsulate all of them while also feeling like a correct fit for me.

"NSFW" under the cut (references to genitals, but not exactly graphic)

Disclaimer: various abbreviations will be used which may not be medically accurate, but for the sake of this post I'll be sticking with them

These things also very loosely tie in to the type of SRS (sexual reassignment surgery) I want to have. There are varying different procedures, both surgical and non-surgical, that I want to have in order to feel comfortable in my own body (not all of which have to do with gender). But for the sake of time, I'll stick to simply SRS. I know, without a doubt, that I want both top and bottom surgery. For top surgery, I want a typical breast augmentation (BA), regardless of gender identity. I could suddenly start identifying as a cis man, but I still want I BA. For me, personally, it's not so much about gender, it's just about wanting breasts, but I'm including it because it is often seen as a gender related surgery. As for bottom surgery, there are three very different types of surgery I'm considering: vaginoplasty (VP), phallus-preserving vaginoplasty (PPV), and penile enlargement (PE). There are at least two types of VP I know of, and I'm not entirely sure which I'd want if I were to go through with this particular surgery. The most commonly discussed is penile-inversion, so it does definitely seem like a popular choice. I do think this would be a good surgery for me, but there are also cons. As for PPV, I believe there's only one type, which preserves the penis but removes the testicles in order to construct a vagina. I have seen mentions of testicles being preserved as well, but I'm not sure if this is an actual surgery or just something people want done, I'd have to do more in-depth research. While this seems like the most ideal surgery for me in theory, there are a lot of different reasons I can think of why I wouldn't want this surgery (which isn't to say I won't get it someday). And, finally, with PE, again I'm not certain on the amount of different types, but I personally am looking into a Penuma, which increases both girth and length. Despite being a trans woman, I've never hated having a penis. However, I've also never really cared about having one (hence being comfortable with a full VP). But if I am going to keep my penis, I'd want to have a PE just for personal preference. I haven't done any research, and I'm sure there'd be very little to see, but I'm not entirely sure if a PPV can be done following a PE, which is why they're listed as different procedures here. But, if possible, I'd consider having both done. My issues with VP and PPV, though, are that they are permanent (a PPV can later be turned into a full VP, but cannot be reversed). However, a PE (at least, a Penuma) is reversible. While I know I want some kind of bottom surgery, I wish that none were permanent so that I could have what I want when I want them through different phases of my life.

[pumpkin-knots]

TW: familial turmoil, vague descriptions of physical abuse and less vague descriptions of verbal and emotional abuse. Don't read if you don't want to hear basically my entire life story

Trying to read a book but can't stop thinking about my brother. We were really close when we were younger and we're only two years apart, me being the older one. When we were in elementary school people always asked if we were twins. I was always thought of as the smart one and he was the funny one, "the ringleader" as my mother once put it, but he was also really smart, he was just a little less bookish. The summer of 2017 we moved from Texas to Ohio. We had moved from Ohio to Texas in 2010 because my father lost his job and was only able to find one in Texas and we moved back to Ohio I think because Trump had just gotten elected and there was a lot of uncertainty about what would happen politically. My parents were and are democrats and were very disappointed, like a lot of people, that Hillary Clinton lost the election and scared about what would happen. I don't think it was because of any identity either of them held, my parents are both white and cis and in a heterosexual relationship, (thought I cannot say for certainty if either of them are queer and I don't think they would say they were if I asked and they actually were closeted) but they also didn't want either me or my brother to take more conservative leanings, though I think I ended up more on the left than they would have preferred and I cannot say for certain where my brother stands politically.

The year after we moved back to Ohio, I realized I was nonbinary and came out as using they/them and later he/they pronouns to my parents and brother. It was around the same time that my brother started distancing himself from him. I thought maybe I had done something to upset him or that he was going through a rebellious phase as he had done before. One summer while we were still living in Texas he went through a brief stint of hitting me both in front of and not in front of our parents. Not hard enough to injure me or anything, usually with a flat hand on my back just hard enough to hurt for a little bit. I don't know why he did that. It's possible I did something that I don't remember that upset him and that was the only way he knew how to express it, maybe it was to get the attention of our parents because of some unhappiness he was feeling and I was just the scapegoat, maybe he felt that I was getting more affection than he was getting and he chose to take it out on me that way, maybe it was him testing out his masculinity through hitting me who he saw as feminine, I honestly don't know. All this to say, I didn't think much of it when my brother didn't call me by my new name and pronouns and stopped responding to anything I said to him with more than a grunt or telling me to shut up. I think my parents saw it as a game he was playing and didn't ask him for a significant amount of time to please respect my identity, and when they did he chose to ignore them.

When I was a senior in high school and my brother was a sophomore my parents got into a huge screaming match in our garage while we were supposed to be on our way to our my maternal grandmother's 80th birthday party. The fight was triggered because I had a cold and my mother told me I couldn't come and my father took that as an excuse to start screaming at her. My mother walked out of the garage, left her keys, phone, and wallet in the front yard, and walked away. We later found out (after my father called the police on her) that she had gone to a family friend's house across town at least five miles away. My father, brother and I piled into the car, my brother and I in terrified silence, to drive to my grandmother's birthday party, where my father would claim my mother was "on her way" when he, me, and my brother all knew very well she wasn't. Senior year did not go very well for me. I made a lot of terrible choices and made friendships with a lot of toxic people at the expense of friendships with a lot of significantly less toxic people because I needed to feel someone fill the void of my mother who was now living in a tiny apartment in a different city working at Kohl's to pay her rent while my father took the entirety of her salary from her full-time job, which she let him do because he threatened that otherwise he would sell our house and buy a shittier one which he would force me and my brother to live in for the rest of the time we were minors. There were two ways my brother's relationship could have gone during that time: we could have grown closer because of a common enemy, or we could hide in our separate rooms any time we were home just trying not to be our father's next target. I felt that I was carrying a lot during that time because, as the older child, my parents both confided in me about the problems they were facing, my mother especially. But I wonder how much my brother even knew. Did my mother ever explain to my brother what my father was threatening and why she stayed away, or did he think she left because she was an asshole leaving him and me to deal with our shitty father on our own? I don't know, and I don't feel like I can ask.

I'm a sophomore in college now living about as far away from Ohio as one can on the continental U.S. My brother is in the process of applying for colleges and my mother (who has moved back in with my father because she lost her old full-time job and didn't move out after she got a new one) has told me that my brother is looking for a college "as far away from [my deadname] as possible". She tells me this in jest, and for a while I took it in jest, but now I'm realizing that that is not at all funny. Either my brother feels the same way I do about my family and I'm a safe thing to say he's avoiding, or he really does hate me, either because he blames me for leaving when I went to college and feels like I left him to deal with our parents on his own (which I don't really blame him for, that is certainly a way to look at what happened) or because he feels that I betrayed him by being trans and not providing a female sibling to treat as our father treated our mother.

I think it might be too soon to talk to my brother about it because he's still living with my parents and still entrenched in their fucked up relationship. It's the main source of my trauma for me, but it's the life he's living, it's all he knows right now. I don't know how to fix anything or make it better for him, especially not right now when he not only has to worry about applying for colleges and being a teenager but also my parents' bullshit.

I'm not really speaking to my parents right now. My father will not stop being an asshole because it's always worked for him so he has no reason to stop now and I really don't feel like getting any more trauma from him at this time. I told my mother that I did not wish to speak to my father anymore (at least until he has gone through a LOT of therapy and proven that he can behave) the day I had to ask my neighbor to call my college's campus security on him because he was screaming at me for "not packing well enough" when he was "helping" me move into my dorm, but last week I had my wisdom teeth out (in the city I go to college in, not in Ohio) and while I was hopped up on pain killers the day after my surgery my mother asked me to talk to my father so she didn't have to deal with him being passive aggressive about me talking to him, which I thought was a great idea, being hopped up on painkillers, and realized later that that was not only a horrible idea but a violation of my clearly expressed and reasonable boundary. Because of this, I am not going back for Christmas this year and I don't really know the next time I will be visiting the state of Ohio. This is what I need to do for me, and I can't help anyone else unless I am mentally and physically okay. But I need to express in some way, even if he will almost certainly never read this, that I love my brother. He and I have been through a lot of the same things and I hope that one day, though that may not be a very very very long time in the future, that we can know each other again. And I hope that he is or at least eventually will be okay

[soni-dragon]

The amount of times I think back to this one post I saw that was like “i identify as she/her only in the way that pirate ships and boats are called she, so like in the least feminine way possible” and I keep trying to find it but can’t anywhere im starting to think it was a dream (in a joking way tho not actually)

[leovaldezdefender]

ranking demigods on how girlboss they are!

10. percy. our boy ranks dead last, but do not mistake this as an insult. percy is last simply because he is the exact opposite of a girlboss: a malewife. and that’s completely fine. all he wants to do is cook and clean for annabeth and hey, dude, me too.

9. jason. he truly radiates malewife energy, which is why he’s near the bottom, alas! however, between being praetor and being raised by wolves, he has just enough bisexual girlboss energy to get by. kudos!

8. leo. he has girlboss energy and i can’t even explain why. maybe it’s the internalized homophobia. i would’ve put him higher but he definitely used the term alpha male at least once which considerably detracted his points.

7. frank. i debated on this one because he’s even meeker than hazel but he was really a badass in toa and he deserves recognition. still too awkward to be a true girlboss but he has potential.

6. nico. i hate to put the only canonically gay demigod in a ‘feminine’ role because stereotypes but yeah, he’s a girlboss.

5. hazel. she’s a little meek to be a proper girlboss, which is why she’s fifth, but she definitely is still one. and after toa, she’s now literally one too, plus props for being the most powerful demigod. horse girl supremacy!

4. thalia. this was really hard ‘cause i wanted to put her higher up but the three above really just outranked her. she definitely is a girlboss though. also hates men which is a bonus. #feminism #womenpower

3. piper. breaks up with her boyfriend and then gets with another girl like two months after he dies. love that for her! rip jason though.

2. reyna. she had to be second because, as she is praetor, she is quite literally a girl-boss. but past that, she has the necessary vibes for it, so she really went into the right career! even if she hates it. so credit where it’s due!

1. annabeth. we all know she was going to be here. she just very much radiates girlboss vibes in every possible way. if you look up ‘girlboss’ in the dictionary the definition is just her face.

honorable mentions

clarisse la rue. definitely a girlboss but rick nerfed her with ruegard not being canon that i couldn’t stand to put her here. sorry girl.

luke castellan. girlboss, but in a negative way. he is girlboss in its first and rawest form - that is, pretending to do things for the good of the people but really for his own gain.

gaea. tried to conquer the world, which is pretty girlboss. however she is a primordial deity. is she even a girl? well, it doesn’t matter, but she’s too evil to be put into the list, even by girlboss standards.

drew tanaka. girlboss robbed of a redemption arc, as fictional girlbosses often are. the little amount of screentime establishes her as one, but it is precisely because of this screentime being so little that she does not qualify.

[humanwheatleyslefttoenail]

why do you ship chell and glados if glados is basically her mom

Okay this is actually a pretty common misconception in the fandom that unfortunately a lot of people have taken as canon, but I’m feeling nice so I’ll answer your question.

Basically, anon is referencing a theory from around 2012 that Caroline is Chell’s mom. The evidence for the theory is as follows:

- The turret opera calls Chell “bambina”, which means “little girl” in Italian

- Chell’s name can be found on a Bring Your Daughter To Work Day science project

- GLaDOS references the possibility of Chell being adopted multiple times

- GLaDOS is significantly nicer to Chell after discovering she’s Caroline 

And, anon, you’re right, it does sound like a pretty good argument at first glance. The problem is that a lot of these points don’t actually hold up to scrutiny.

For example, although “bambina” literally translates to “little girl,” it’s often used in the same way “baby girl” is used in English - it can mean child, but contextually it’s usually a flirtatious term. (Source: Cambridge Dictionary)

For Chell’s science project, it doesn’t work as evidence for the theory because GLaDOS killed the scientists around 1998-ish, when Caroline had presumably been uploaded several years earlier and Cave was already dead. Also, Chell’s in her 20′s, and since we know from Lab Rat/Portal 2 that people don’t age in stasis, and that Doug put Chell at the top of the test subject list only weeks after the takeover, Chell was 28 at the time of the takeover. The science project is really only an Easter egg and doesn’t actually fit into the canon timeline let alone prove anything about Caroline and Cave. 

GLaDOS talking about Chell being adopted is a pretty strong point, I’ll admit, but also it’s important to remember that maybe half of what GLaDOS says is true. And even if we take what she says at face value, she also says there’s a man and a woman in stasis with Chell’s last name, which could not have been Cave and Caroline because they were already dead at that point. And the official book Final Hours Of Portal 2 confirms Cave and Caroline were not married and could not have shared the same name anyway. It was also the 50′s, an an unmarried couple of two likely famous people having a child would’ve been scandalous, and yet we see no hint of something like this affecting their company. 

Also, although GLaDOS is nicer to Chell after the Caroline reveal, that’s not necessarily indicative of a mother-daughter relationship, and neither is any of their interactions. It’s just. GLaDOS being friendlier. 

Finally, when this theory was made (and let’s be honest - it still is happening) Chell was constantly whitewashed to hell and back. 

Chell is Japanese-Brazilian, and Cave and Caroline are white, so it would be a near impossibility for her to be their biological child (and insisting otherwise is kinda. just. whitewashing). And although people will cry “adoption!”, based on what I’ve previously proven, that’s pretty much impossible. This theory that somehow she’s Cave and Caroline’s daughter erases an important part of her identity. [Disclaimer, I am white, but this is what I’ve heard from around the fandom]

With all that said, the idea that she’s the daughter of Cave and Caroline really doesn’t hold weight when you really analyze the canon. It’s surface level analysis that doesn’t hold up. And honestly? The idea kinda cheapens the story. It’s much more powerful that GLaDOS learns to care about Chell and becomes kinder than just. Oh, she remembered she’s related to Chell. 

But to actually answer your ask. 

Why do I ship them?

Well, they aren’t mother and daughter, I think that’s pretty obvious now. But if you actually look at a lot of subtext in Portal 2, without the lens of the mother theory, it’s actually pretty romantic! 

I know that sounds ridiculous, but bear with me!

Now - it’s totally okay if you don’t ship them. I get it. Their interactions in Portal 1 and the first half of Portal 2 are toxic if not outright well. Y’know. Murderous. I completely understand why that turns people off from shipping them, and ultimately, shipping is a personal thing. To each his own. 

But before you judge me, let me present my case.

Exhibit A: Portal 

Portal is kinda gay. No, really. Chell and GLaDOS are enemies in this game, but the entire focus is on their relationship (good or not) and the power struggle between them. They are opposites, two sides of the same coin, different representations of opposite ideologies. People have analyzed Portal as a relationship metaphor, or as a metaphor about women’s role in society - either way, the heart of Portal is the complicated dynamic between Chell and GLaDOS. 

That’s not necessarily enough to code a romance, but a lot of popular (and especially popular queer ones) ships begin with opposite ideologies, symbolic powers colliding. Portal cements their relationship as a toxic one, something on the verge of falling apart and hurting both parties in the end. The ending image, of Chell and GLaDOS side by side after the battle, reinforces the symbolic parallels between the two. 

The companion cube is also pretty symbolically important to this interpretation. It’s literally a representation of someone’s heart, and you are told to protect it and preserve it under GLaDOS’ orders, and then you have to destroy it regardless of how you actually feel about doing that. You are destroying GLaDOS’ heart, so to speak. 

There’s also the ending song, Still Alive. The lyrics speak for themselves.

They hint that GLaDOS’ feelings about Chell are more complicated than they may appear (if she’s not being sarcastic...) and she literally talks about Chell breaking her heart (also, think back to the companion cube. Yeah.). The entire song is structurally similar to many a breakup number, with the laments of “I’m glad it happened, but also leave.” 

At the end, we also see that the long promised cake GLaDOS was supposedly lying about was real the whole time. Before Portal 2 came out, it was mostly interpreted as a stinger ending (along with the nicer lyrics of Still Alive) to make you question GLaDOS’ true motives and intentions.

She actually did have a real cake waiting for you. (Side note - not really evidence, but in Argentina, “torta” means cake in Spanish. It’s also a slang term for lesbians. So. Do with that what you will). The cake is what GLaDOS offers you to lull you into the sense that she cares about you, so discovering that “the cake is a lie” wakes you up to the realization that she doesn’t. Except then the idea is subverted one last time, at the very end, showing that the cake is real and at least some of what she said she meant. 

You also see the companion cube. You know, GLaDOS’ symbolic heart?

Now, okay, you might be thinking I’m extrapolating a bit too much. And you might be right. But Portal is not the only game in the series, and if you’re asking me about Cave and Caroline you obviously know about Portal 2.

Exhibit B: Portal 2

If you thought Portal was gay, Portal 2 turns that up to 11.

Even before GLaDOS wakes up, you’re treated to some visual subtext. A few of Rattmann’s drawings representing the events of Portal 2 focus a lot on the relationship between GLaDOS and Chell, with more of the cake symbolism.

In this, you can see a face layered on top of GLaDOS. This could be foreshadowing about Caroline, and likely is, but also resembles his other drawing of Chell. It insists that Chell is a part of GLaDOS, or reinforces parallels between Chell and Caroline, hinting at something either way. 

In this picture, we also see Chell standing on top of GLaDOS, in the same position where the overlay of the feminine face was, again referencing the parallel. It also presents them as opposites, fundamental parts of the same thing and both connected to the same basis, but on opposing sides. 

When GLaDOS wakes up, she returns to her antagonistic role, but there are more hints to something deeper just like in Portal. 

Here, in her awakening lines, she references Chell not unlike an estranged ex. Also worth noting that GLaDOS is pretty much the personification of testing (in a sense, she is testing since she can control all of Aperture like an extension of her body), and insinuates that Chell loves to test. And that she reciprocates that feeling.

In test chamber 10, she says this:

It’s supposed to be threatening, but it does read as almost... sentimental. 

There’s also another chamber with companion cubes in Portal 2. I already talked about their symbolism in Portal, and the same pretty much applies to them here. However, GLaDOS says something interesting about them during this level:

Once again, meant to be intimidating, ends up coming off as “well, GLaDOS, why were you going to give Chell a heart shaped representation of yourself that says ‘I love you?’” And you might think I’m stretching the GLaDOS’ heart metaphor thing a little far here, and I might agree, if the companion cubes didn’t literally sing Cara Mia for you. 

Cara Mia is the turret opera from the end of the game, which is all about how much GLaDOS cares about Chell. More on that later. But the companion cubes play a song called Love as A Construct, and when you get close to them, they sing a specific part of the song that has the tune of Cara Mia. These things literally exist to sing about GLaDOS’ feelings. 

Which makes this line a lot more. For lack of a better term. Tsundere-ish.

Then, right before the escape, she starts talking about the confetti from her fake surprise. 

I really don’t have to explain this one. What else does GLaDOS consider an inconvenience but might miss anyway? Or, more aptly, who else?

Then, during the escape, she teases a (fake) final test chamber in front of you, and forms the panels in the shape of a heart. No, really. 

Up to this point, a lot of the points I’ve presented are interspersed with a fair amount of antagonization on GLaDOS’ behalf, more Foe Yay than anything actually hinting at something deeper than GLaDOS being conflicted about whether she loves or hates Chell. But things really ramp up after Wheatley’s betrayal, when the two of them are forced to team up. (I should also note here that “enemies to lovers” is a pretty classic queer romance trope.)

Here, GLaDOS is put on an equal level with Chell and they have to rely on each other if they want to survive. For the rest of the singleplayer campaign, GLaDOS becomes a lot nicer and even friendly to Chell. There comes a point where she starts referring to Chell as a teammate, calling them “we.” She begins to consider them one unit, two opposites unified. Here’s what she says after the lemon rant:

You can not only see her using we, but actively talking about how her and Chell are going to fight Wheatley together. There’s also that last line - “let’s explode with some dignity.” GLaDOS has fully accepted the very likely possibility that she and Chell might die together. That she might die on the same level, and the same team as Chell. And she seems... surprisingly okay with that, as long as she and Chell go together. 

It’s during the Old Aperture levels that Chell and GLaDOS also discover that they have a lot in common. This is the part of the game where GLaDOS figures out she’s Caroline, that she’s human. Or, that she’s like Chell. And Chell discovers (from what we can tell anyway) that Caroline is kind, that she’s funny and smart and so many of these things she never noticed about GLaDOS before. Now also with the knowledge she is fighting alongside another human being. 

You can also draw parallels between Chell and Caroline, both intelligent women ultimately betrayed by their seemingly innocuous male friends before being trapped in Aperture and forced to team up with one another in a way that will free both of them. We see that really, GLaDOS isn’t that different from Chell - she too has been imprisoned in this place against her will, but in a completely different way. Once again, the idea of two sides of the same coin applies here. 

I’ve written another meta about this before, but I also think the whole idea of repressing a part of your identity and hating it, before bonding with another woman and then realizing that it’s okay to be like her and to be on her side. It’s okay to be yourself and meeting her is what helps you discover this new part of yourself. Is kinda inherently gay. GLaDOS’ discovery of her own humanity just fits so well into a queer realization narrative, to me at least.

Then, Chell and GLaDOS escape Old Aperture and have to get through Wheatley’s tests. 

Here, GLaDOS isn’t just begrudgingly on Chell’s team. She’s actively helpful. She wants to help Chell solve tests, defends her from Wheatley’s insults, and makes jokes to lighten the mood. Things that can really only be explained by her caring about Chell, especially the part about the insults. See below.

After the two escape Wheatley’s testing track, right before the boss fight GLaDOS has a few other things to say.

GLaDOS is not going to betray Chell, because of some kind of conscience. But she could easily ignore that back in her body, and yet? Here she’s deciding not to, and for no good reason. She didn’t have to say that to Chell, but she did, because she cares and she wants Chell to live.

And then, moments before the fight:

The final lines imply that GLaDOS does not think of Chell as an enemy anymore, and that it doesn’t matter what Chell thinks because they are in this together and they are getting revenge together. It’s pretty heartwarming to be honest, to know that even in a fight that will almost certainly kill you, she is there rooting for you and caring about you, even if you don’t feel the same way about her. It no longer matters to GLaDOS whether you even reciprocate - you staying alive, you making it through is enough for her.

So Chell fights Wheatley and sends him into space, all well and good, and at this point, GLaDOS has the option to kill Chell. But not only does she not, she actively saves Chell, and holds her hand in the process. If you don’t believe me:

And not only that, but when Chell goes unconscious from her injuries, GLaDOS sits and waits for her to wake up. It’s also implied that GLaDOS carries her to the elevator, since it’s where she wakes up but not where she passed out. In the scene where Chell blacks out, you can also hear the part of Love As A Construct that sounds like Cara Mia. Yeah. Yeah.

If you think that this cannot possibly get any gayer, you are wrong again, because then GLaDOS makes her final speech. Which is really just a love confession, let’s be honest.

The “surge of emotion?” Do you mean love, GLaDOS? And the idea of GLaDOS considering Chell her best friend, despite everything these two have done to each other? The idea that GLaDOS, out of all people, forgives someone?

Except this isn’t even Chell’s final send-off. GLaDOS writes her an entire opera of turrets, that sing a literal love song. (Note what I said earlier about the use of the word “bambina”).

It really can’t get any more obvious than that. “My (affectionate romantic term here), my dear, I adore you.” How. Is. That. Heterosexual. In. Any. Way.

So Chell goes to the surface, set free by GLaDOS (think of the saying “if you love something, set it free), and you think that’s the end. Until GLaDOS gives you a companion cube so you aren’t alone on the journey, and from the burn marks, you know it’s your first companion cube. Her original heart, her first gift to you, a piece of her that she wants you to carry with you to remind you that she does care about you after everything. It also gives the lyrics to Still Alive a much more genuine meaning. 

Portal 2 ends, and then the ending song, another GLaDOS number plays. Just like Still Alive, Want You Gone is structurally a break up song and very obviously about GLaDOS missing Chell and “counting on” (read: caring about/loving) Chell’s tendencies and quirks. 

She’s accepted Chell completely, and yet also given Chell the one thing she wants most. Only wanting Chell gone can mean GLaDOS not wanting Chell in her life anymore, but can also mean she wants to give Chell the freedom she’s wanted for so, so long. It’s the best thing she can give.

In the co-op campaign, GLaDOS also references still caring about Chell.

And that’s the end of the Portal series. Except. Brace yourself. Despite the games being over, there is STILL more subtext somehow. It gets. Even gayer.

Exhibit C: Supplemental Evidence

Valve has made a lot of extra/cut content for the Portal series, and I’ll be looking at some of it below.

This official valentine from Valve shows GLaDOS offering a romantic partner cake, which as we’ve established before, is very symbolic of GLaDOS’ feelings about and/or relationship with Chell. 

There’s a lot of other concept art and official art that emphasizes their relationship too. See below.

There’s also some cut GLaDOS lines that are even gayer than the source material and again, sound like confessions or references to a breakup:

The idea of “discovering things about someone”... how much more obvious can it get?

The developers have even confirmed a lot of my commentary on Chell and GLaDOS’ relationship in The Final Hours Of Portal 2. See these quotes from the book/this post:

The devs literally describe it as a romance. They use terms like “cheating,” they wanted to write a romantic duet, JoCo purposefully wrote the endings like love songs. It is literally, blatantly said by the creators of the game that their relationship is interpreted romantically. By the creators of the game. 

And if Word of God confirmation isn’t enough for you, have a song written for a cut alternate ending by GLaDOS’ voice actress, Ellen McClain. The song is literally nothing but GLaDOS talking about caring about Chell, about not wanting her to die/leave GLaDOS alone, about wanting to bake a cake with Chell, about waiting for Chell to wake her up. It’s so genuinely sweet and sad, and really, really romantic in the most heartwrenching way possible. 

JoCo also came back for the Portal levels in Lego Dimensions, writing one final breakup song for GLaDOS to sing about Chell. It comes off as GLaDOS not wanting to admit she misses Chell even though she obviously does, trying to replace their relationship but failing, and even explicitly forgiving Chell/wanting her to come back.

Also, the “finally I understand,” as if only now GLaDOS understands just how deep her feelings for Chell are... What else can I say?

In Lego Dimensions, GLaDOS also outright rejects anyone who isn’t Chell.

In Conclusion:

Why do I ship Chell and GLaDOS? 

Well, ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether I ship them. 

Because I think it’s glaringly obvious Portal does.

[autisticandroids]

anyway i have done a lot of comparing dean and rowena's Gender Issues(tm) tonight but i don't really think their primary issues are that similar.

like dean's biggest thing is that being A Man is torture for him. he feels obligated by normative expectations to perform gender in a certain way. and this hurt is twofold: first, his idea of correct man-ness is extremely narrow, and it both cuts him off from many things that would bring him joy, and makes him feel constantly inadequate because no one could ever be all of the things he thinks A Man should be, and horrified with himself because he doesn't want the things a man should want. and second the obligation to be A Man at all torments him, like, even if he managed to widen his definition so he had some room to breath, i think the role would still chafe for him. but the reason he performs is a kind of end in and of itself: he performs because he feels that as a man he should be A Man.

we do have a woman on supernatural who has gender issues a lot like that: we have mary. she deals with them differently, but at her core, mary feels just as obligated to be the Perfect Nightgown Mother, and Perfect Woman And Wife, as dean feels to be the Perfect Cowboy Hero Manly-Man. and she feels just as tortured and inadequate when she fails to measure up and even worse when she doesn't even enjoy trying. she doesn't want a fairytale wedding followed by fifty years of domestic bliss, but she's tortured by guilt that she doesn't want that, you know? it's a lot like like dean's whole thing, though of course mary is a lot more willing to flunk out on purpose and just not perform femininity when she realizes she can't.

whereas rowena's gender issues are more about fear and power. rowena has experienced great trauma from living under misogyny and she is intensely aware that that harm would not have happened to her if she was a man, and she feels that "woman" is a powerless position that she cannot escape, so she constructs a gender performance which is as powerful and invulnerable as possible while still completely within the bounds of femininity and in fact leaning into it in an extreme way. and rowena has learned to enjoy being a woman, or at least to enjoy the power she derives from it, because she has expended a huge amount of effort trying to finds ways she can be have power as a woman.

but the thing is i think it's still reasonable to compare rowena and dean's gender experience, for a few reasons. first, both of them tend to be the most neurotic-about-gender person in any room. the characters that dean and rowena are both most likely to be bounced off of are sam, cas, jack, and crowley. sam, cas, and jack are all amazingly chill about their gender experience compared to dean and rowena, and even crowley is like. basically normal in comparison. second, i think dean and rowena are very similar in general temperament. they're both, at their core, absolutely terrified all of the time. everything they do comes from a reactive mindset, they're constantly trying to protect themselves and deeply paranoid about basically everything. this is why even though, as i said, mary has similar gender issues to dean, she's a lot more willing to forgive herself transgressions than he is: because in terms of personality, she's reasonably different. in contrast, both dean and rowena, because they are so very scared, tend towards genderperfectionism. the third reason is that although dean's gender issues mainly stem from what i talked about above, there's also a certain degree of anxiety in them. he grew up in an intensely hypermasculine environment where to deviate was potentially to be subject to ostracization and violence. i still think his gender performance is primarily motivated by internalized ideals, but part of it is probably more like rowena's, a calculated shield to protect him from danger which he has eventually integrated into his identity.

[kaypeace21]

Big brain moment for me: is realizing one of the main reasons Mike dislikes Max is because she's (subconsciously) a constant reminder that he isn't straight.

Dustin and Lucas are immediately into Max . And Mike questions this (since they don’t even know her). Mike"awesome??!you haven't even spoken a  word to her! " Dustin (already crushing): " Hey! I don't have to . I mean LOOK at her." 

*MIKE LOOKING HELLA CONFUSED XD

Troy (the homophobic bully, talking about el): "her head's shaved . She doesn't even LOOK like a girl." 

(Not to mention all the people who also thought she looked like a boy and specifically thought she was Will- aka hopper, benny, and the diner customer).

We also know Dustin is remarking about Max’s physical appearance in that ep1 scene since this videogame-scene  also occurs in s2e1 (the same ep Max is introduced) . This videogame- scene has  lucas and Dustin fight over princess Daphne -and Lucas mentions how “princess daphne” is his. Foreshadowing the ending of  the love triangle between the 2 boys (in relation to Max) .

 What’s interesting is that historically dragon’s lair (was a nototriously difficult game)- and they used princess daphne’s attractiveness to convince straight-boys to continue playing the difficult game and waste their money .This is because, if the player finished the game- they would save and also marry  princess daphne. 

 But what’s interesting is - Dustin plays it, and it’s implied Lucas has played the game the most (and even finished the game to get Daphne). However, we never see Will or Mike play the game or get sucked into Daphne’s ...appeal. In fact (right after this) Mike instead puts his arm around Will and suggests they get the top score in dig dug TOGETHER (and beat madmax’s top score instead). Not to mention in s1 Mike wrote a whole d&d story for Will-inspired by star wars/the events of s1 and replaced  princess Leia with a king (aka Will). The king has a medal ceremony for the heroes since they k*lled the 7 headed monster for him ( Will: ”it was a 7. The demogorgan it got me″). Mike is not into princesses (he literally replaced a women crushed upon by nerdy/star wars fan boys) and replaced her with a king. connecting it even more to his lack of interest in the princess videogame/girls in general (and interest in Will) .

* These little details in ep 1 show how Mike isn’t like Dustin or Lucas. He doesn’t understand Lucas/dustin’s immediate attraction to daphne or Max in ep 1 (based on their feminine looks). Some people may claim he was attracted to El in Nancy’s dress/his grandma’s wig but i think this had more to do with the fact at that time El looked like the blonde popular girl jennifer hayes (who Lucas/Dustin were into). And so the idea of a girl who liked him (who looked like the most popular girl in school- who his friends were into )was appealing to his ego. Lucas (to Mike, referring to el while she is in her wig,dress, and makeup): “you’re just blind. Blind cause a girl isn’t grossed out by you.” Mike  in s1 even later specified he preferred her without the wig/makeup. He says in the wig/dress she’s “pretty” but when El removes all of it she asks “Still pretty?” And he says YEAH! pretty. REALLY pretty.” And sorry his compliment to her at the snowball seemed pretty rehearsed/forced. Just like how he refers to her fem look in s3 as “cool” (like how Hopper says El’s new punk look is “cool”).  In s3 we even have Lucas dress like the karate kid (cause max has a crush on him), nancy dresses based on 'new age' music (jonathan likes), so why does max imply El dresses in baggy male clothes for mike ? Saying about picking clothes " chose stuff that feels like you...not mike." Maybe cause mike prefers her dressing in a more masculine way?

Anyways, back on topic.  s2e1 shows Mike doesn’t understand his friends immediate attraction to Max and Daphne’s feminine appearances and this ties back to Mike’s animosity to Max in the following s2 eps.

 Later mike yells at max "hate you? How can I hate you? i don't even KNOW you!" (Mirroring what Mike said earlier to the smitten Dustin -when Dustin remarked on how he doesn’t really have to know her to think she’s awesome because he found her physically attractive). Mike says this comment to Max- when in canon Mike knew both el and Max for the exact same amount of time -a week . So somewhere in his subconscious he realizes crushing on el (who he ‘doesn't even know’) based on her then "boyish" look /will like appearance (after only knowing her a week) means something. Cause his straight friends (at least initially) are into Max for her more feminine appearance (after also only knowing her for a week) .And Dustin and Lucas were never into the boyish looking El (in s1- like they were with max in s2). So yeah every time Mike sees her - he's reminded that (in canon) he unlike his friends has never crushed on a single girl (except one who resembled a boy/ his male bff). Which (at least subconsciously) agitates him to think about. Max in response to him saying he doesn't hate her. Max: but you don't want me in your party! Mike: correct! Max: why not? Mike: CAUSE YOU’RE ANNOYING!To mike- max's very presence is a constant reminder he's not straight. Her presence makes him at least subconsciously start to think about things- he'd rather not. Like why he was attracted to the boyish looking el (who resembled Will) but not max, princess daphne, or any girl prior?

In s1 we know Mike knows what "gay" , 'fairy', and 'queer' is- all words he heard as insults towards Will . And eventually Mike snaps and attacks Troy for a specific  hom*phobic comment making fun of Will being dead. Where Troy says,  “Will’s in fairy land now. flying around with ALL THE OTHER FAIRIES. All happy and GAY!” . He attacks Troy in the school gym for subconsciously reminding him he’s gay -same place he yells at Max for doing the same thing. EL EVEN attacks both Max and Troy in the gym using her powers! (cough next time Mike saw Troy he literally flew from where Will ‘died’. (aka like ‘all the other fairies’. Troy even told Hopper Mike “flew” . That is another  Mike is gay hint ) . So he probably doesn't even want to fathom the possibility he may be gay or in love with his male best friend (when taught it's something 'bad' by his peers and 80s society as a whole ). Especially when he sees how people already malign Will over such rumors.

So to Mike - Max is the personification of the thing he lacks - the ability to be attracted to girls-the innate ability to be what most deem 'normal'. The ability to be like his friends. And he sadly resents her for this.

Then in s3 max encourages el to dump him ( and says to Mike it's not just a break). And constantly points out how mileven just isn't that great- she yells at Mike about how he doesn't trust el nor respects her ability to make decisions. And tells el that he lied to her. And she also points out to Mike- how el was the one who decided to spy on him (and disrespect his privacy/boundaries). And even worse for Mike's straight facade with El (max gives El a feminine makeover in s3). Something he’s not genuinely attracted to.  

 To Mike(at least subconsciously)- she is a constant reminder that he’s not straight (in s2). And in s3, she points how the flaws of his comp het relationship with el .Which infuriates him .

So when Mike starts to accept his queerness- I suspect their relationship will improve.

Heck The fact MAX & Will also have a lot in common (but he’s only attracted to Will- a boy and not Max) could be another subconscious reminder he’s not straight (Which causes an additional layer of resentment).For max & Will: Both are poor,  their bio dads both abandoned them leaving them with their respective mothers, both like horror films, comics and videogames, both are the youngest of 2 siblings.  And both use bats in anger when emulating their ab*sers ,and both are heavily associated with rainbows (Max literally has a rainbow shirt collection/ Will's rainbow ship and the many other rainbow refs).  Both also yell at Mike about how sh*tty they think the mileven relationship is in s3. Both have posters relating to beach films (Will has jaws /Max has endless summer).Costume designers said his s1's vest was supposed to be in homage to Marty mcfly (from back to the future). They gave Max Marty mcfly's skateboard in s2.And on Halloween she even dresses up as a movie-character who as a child dressed up as a clown on Halloween (Will’s fear/ what triggered him on Halloween) and whose surname is Myers (Byers?)  

I also think Mike was a bit jealous and initially thought Will was into her too. But I think the prior reasons I just discussed was actually the main reason for the animosity.

UPDATE

*this annon pointed out a detail that pretty much just verified my first assumption.To mike- max's very presence is a constant reminder he's not straight-similar to troy doing the same thing (albeit for very diff reasons ). Her presence (and his inability to have a crush on her-like Lucas &Dustin do) makes him at least subconsciously start to think about things- he'd rather not. Like why was he attracted to the boyish looking el (who resembled Will)? And who he barely spoke to, and in his own words he “didn’t even know’ cause he only knew her for a week? But NOT max (who he knew for the same amount of time),and who Lucas/dustin have immediate attraction to/ think is “awesome”  without talking to her (because of their feminine looks) .To Mike - Max is the personification of the thing he lacks - the ability to be attracted to girls-the innate ability to be what most deem 'normal'. The ability to be like his friends

We see this by the use of one word....

Having Max in s2 mention how Mike thought El was “awesome”  . Is just icing on the cake- showing she’s a reminder to Mike he isn’t straight (and his romantic feelings for El aren’t genuine). She literally threw Mike’s words back at him-where Mike was judging his friends for thinking Max was “awesome” because of her looks-not words.When Mike did the same to El.

Lucas even says the ‘no/yes’ line next to Mike’s heart sign (which has a rainbow propelling a heart on it). In s3 (when dating el) he removed this sign.  But symbolically we see it follow him everywhere -via El’s room having a drawing with a rainbow propelling a heart on it- with Mike’s name on it.  Which is shown when he’s kissing El- showing no matter how hard he tries to act straight-he can’t escape his rainbow/ queerness.

In fact,in s3, when Max points out the flaws in m*leven she is wearing  rainbow shirts (illustrating that she -like the rainbow-sign & drawing is a constant reminder to Mike that he’s not straight -which  follows him everywhere). Similar to Troy who (in his rainbow shirt) interrupts Lucas claiming Mike has a crush on El- only to announce Will is gay/ and to only target Mike with such remarks after this .

Not to mention this whole -Max reminding him he’s not straight and can’t like girls in s2-3 just ties in to my theory Mike was projecting when telling Will “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls.”-here. And the whole theory Mike is emulating his parent’s  loveless marriage with El-mentioned it here.

[foilfreak]

Beauty and Her Beast: Chapter 5

WARNING PLZ READ BEFORE CONTINUING: This fic is rated NSFW and contains graphic depictions of things some people may find disturbing or alarming, including, but not limited to: violence, gore, unhealthy family relationships, Oedipus complexes, gratuitous amount of pornographic literature, ableist language, physical, mental, and emotional abuse, etc. If you are someone who does not enjoy fiction with these elements in them, then I suggest you refrain from reading this, because this fic will have all that, and probably a lot more. So, this is your first and final warning to turn around and go somewhere else if stuff like this just isn't your vibe, because from this point forward, your emotional wellbeing is in your own hands, and I will not be accepting blame if you disregarded my warnings and ended up reading something you didn't like. Idk why I feel compelled to write one of these despite this being Resident Evil fanfic, but I figured I'd cover my ass just in case.

(AO3 Link below)

This was a bad idea... no, actually, scratch that. This wasn’t just a bad idea...

‘THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA’ Salvatore thought to himself, as he frantically hid beneath a large blue tarp covering a couple of old, rotting shipping crates, his body trembling uncontrollably and his shoulders heaving from the terrified and panicked state Salvatore had managed to work himself into.

Now, for those of you who may be wondering why Salvatore was currently hiding behind a bunch of crates like prey hiding from the hunter, despite being in the safety of his own reservoir-

“Hello?”

-that would be why.

Yes, the 2 days that Salvatore had been given to prepare for his gift’s arrival had come and gone faster than the disfigured man could have ever imagined. And while he’d done a marvelous job of cleaning up the reservoir to make it suitable for the beautiful young lady who’d now be calling this place ‘home’, what he hadn’t anticipated having to deal with was the full blown panic attack he got the second the villagers arrived to release her into his custody. Thankfully, his anxiety grew more manageable when one of the villagers explained that, due to Nadine’s tendency toward violent behavior, combined with her superhuman strength, Mother Miranda had gone ahead and given the young woman a nice heavy dose of sedative to keep her asleep throughout the journey to the reservoir, as well as for a couple of hours afterwards, too.

You know… just in case.

After the villagers finally left, Salvatore closed and locked the gate behind them before turning his attention to the large wooden coffin that, according to the men who’d carried it here, contained his long awaited gift from Mother Miranda.

Taking a few tentative steps forward, Salvatore takes the metal key the villagers had given him and slowly, but eagerly, unlocked and opened the wooden vessel, gasping in shock and awe as the sight of Nadine’s perfectly angelic face finally came into the light. He wasn’t sure how this was possible, but somehow the young woman looked even more perfect than the first time he saw her, the soft glow of the early morning sun reflecting off her blue scaly skin in a way that gives her a gorgeous, almost iridescent shine.

The continued nudeness of Nadine’s body, while mesmerizing to look at, did unfortunately make the act of keeping his hands to himself rather difficult, and Salvatore quickly found himself grappling with his inner demons as he contemplated reaching in and taking a quick feel, just a quick one, if only for the sake of finally figuring out what on earth her skin was made out of.

Was it smooth and silky to allow for rapid aquatic maneuverability, like that of an eel, or did her soft, feminine exterior hide a rougher, more textured sort of skin, like that of a shark or a whale?

Oh how Salvatore longed, with every fiber of his disgusting, twisted being, to reach inside that wooden carrier and run his hands over the mutant woman’s perfect little body, every atom in him aching to touch, hold, kiss, lick, bite, and devour every square millimeter of this gorgeous specimen, blurring and melting the lines of reality that once separated them until you couldn’t tell where beast ended and where beauty began.

But he refrained.

As much as Salvatore desperately wanted to give in to the primal desires of his still-human mind and mostly-human body, he instead decided to give the young woman some time to wake up first, guessing that she probably wouldn’t want some random stranger, much less one that looks like him, touching her without her permission. So with a deep breath, and a strong swallowing of his raging libido, Salvatore stepped away from the crate Nadine was sleeping in, pocketing the key in case Mother wanted it back later, before turning around and beginning to hobble back toward the lake to complete the few minor tasks he hadn’t managed to get to before the villagers arrived earlier.

It would be well into the afternoon, nearly evening by this point, before Salvatore heard so much as a peep from Nadine. Mother Miranda must not have been kidding when she said she’d given the young woman enough sedative to knock her out for hours. If it weren’t for the fact that she was still breathing, Salvatore might have thought her dead after this amount of time.

Unfortunately for Salvatore, it would appear as though Nadine taking ages to awaken from her drug induced slumber would be the least of the deformed man’s concerns, quickly overrun and forgotten about in the blind panic Salvatore went into once the young woman’s voice, soft and slightly high pitched, though a bit scratchy from lack of use, calls out from, presumably, the spot where Salvatore had left her by the front gate.

The heavenly tone bounces and echoes off the wood and water of the surrounding area, filling the reservoir with a song-like magic that made Salvatore’s knees buckle weakly in reverence, and his stomach want to turn itself inside out from complete and utter terror. Hit with the sudden realization that Salvatore was going to have to actually look at AND speak to Nadine now that she’d awoken, and at the same time no less, immediately sends the mutant man tumbling into a full blown panic, resulting in Salvatore locating the nearest solid structure, the tarp and crates in this case, and throwing himself underneath it, hoping and praying that if he remained quiet for long enough, Nadine would lose interest and go somewhere else-

“Hello? Is anyone here?”

-Unfortunately Salvatore wasn’t a man who had his hopes and prayers answered terribly often, and today seemed to be no different than usual.

Despite being given extra security due to the rapid approach of nightfall, Salvatore didn’t even dare breathe as the sound of footsteps passed by his hiding spot, his heart pounding uncontrollably in his chest as Nadine came within just inches of finding him. This is it, the jig is up, there was absolutely no doubt in Salvatore’s mind that Nadine was mere seconds away from pulling the tarp back to reveal his horrible and disgusting self, scrunched up into the tightest little ball between the narrow spaces of the crates.

Closing his teary eyes and accepting his fate, Salvatore merely sat and waited for the inevitable moment of shocked silence after the tarp had been lifted, followed by the sound of Nadine’s smooth and rich voice bursting his eardrums with a piercingly shrill and terrified shriek, as well the heavy booming of feet against wood as she ran away from him, disgusted, horrified, and appalled by so much as having to look at the monster that Salvatore was, much less do anything else.

“Ah man, I could have sworn I saw someone around here, earlier,” the low but feminine voice of Nadine said aloud, sounding quite dejected as she leaned against the blue tarp covering Salvatore’s hiding spot.

“Maybe they just went out to look for food, and will be back later?” Nadine says to herself, sounding more optimistic than before, though her hopefulness fades as quickly as it arrived when she continues with, “Then again… maybe the poor bastard caught a glimpse of me as I stumbled around and took off in terror at the sight of me. I suppose I can't really blame him… not with the way I look now, at least.”

Nadine pauses, trailing off for a moment as Salvatore remains rooted in his spot, hands clamped firmly over his mouth and nose to prevent any noise from escaping, despite the increasing burning sensation from his human lungs, which, despite their somewhat shaky ability to do their prescribed role ever since the cadou mutations screwed him up, still very much needed air going in and out of them if Salvatore wanted them to continue functioning at all.

The young woman remained in that spot leaning against the tarp-covered crates for a few more moments, not saying or doing anything as far as Salvatore could tell, before the sound of shuffling and more footsteps, softer and less hurried than the ones he’d heard earlier, caught his attention.

Silence persists for another moment, causing Salvatore to grow curious the longer he waits. And so, despite his earlier reservations, Salvatore can’t help but shift his position slightly so that he could peek through a narrow space between the wall of crates, just enough to give him a solid view of Nadine, who currently stood with her back to him just a few feet away from where the mutated man was hiding. Her gaze seemed transfixed on the lake’s surface, or perhaps it was less the water that held her gaze, but the reflection staring back at her from the mirror-like surface.

Even without seeing her face, Salvatore could tell that the young woman was afraid and in pain, and his heart wrenched agonizingly as he watched her beautiful form shrink in on itself. Her arms curled around her body defensively, as if trying to hide herself shamefully from any potential onlookers, while her torso slumped limply forward, shoulders shaking heavily as she sobbed quietly to herself in the ever growing darkness of evening time.

“Whatever, it’s not like it matters anyways,” the young woman sobs dejectedly after a while, pointlessly rubbing the tears from her face away, only for them to be quickly replaced as new ones fell. “Even if somebody did actually live here, it’s not like anyone would even want to help a disgusting abomination like me... much less have anything else to do with me.”

The sound of Nadine jumping off the dock and into the cold lake water below pales in comparison to the sound of Salvatore’s whole world turning itself upside down from beneath the large blue tarp under which he was hidden.

Disgusting abomination?

Nadine?

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!

Of all the things Salvatore has ever heard in his entire life, this one has to be the most ridiculous thing by far.

Salvatore was a disgusting abomination, that much he was more than aware of and had long since accepted, as painful as it still was to admit from time to time. But Nadine… Why Nadine was quite easily the most beautiful woman he’s ever laid eyes on, save for perhaps Mother Miranda herself maybe, which was certainly a very high standard to be compared to in Salvatore’s book. While the young woman did indeed have several mutations that would make going back to her previous life almost impossible, that didn’t mean she was disgusting, or an abomination.

Not to Salvatore she wasn’t, at least.

The fact that the poor young woman thought this of herself sent a sharp, stabbing pain directly into his heart, practically tearing him apart from the inside out as he frantically thought of something, anything he could do to make the tiny woman feel better.

Thinking back to when he’d watched her just moments ago, he remembers the way in which her arms and hands curled around herself as she sobbed, looking like they were attempting to cover as much exposed skin as physically possible. How Nadine could call herself an abomination when she looked like the picture perfect definition of beauty, Salvatore didn’t know, but what he did know was that women, at least the women he was used to, always enjoyed receiving pretty things with which they could cover and decorate themselves, like dresses and jewelry.

And luckily for Salvatore, he just so happens to know of a few places where he might be able to acquire both of those things.

With a quick peek from beneath the tarp before taking off, Salvatore quickly makes his way toward the exit gate, barely managing to close the gate behind him and pull his cloak over himself before sprinting, as much as his mangled body would allow anyways, down the snowy path that would lead him to the estates of the only two people Salvatore can think of to help him in this messy situation.

Hopefully Alcina and Donna won’t be terribly upset with him for stopping by unannounced.

[arcadianstuff]

A monster P.t 2

Here’s part 2 because I just couldn’t help myself. I’ll be back properly in about a month just because of exams. Hope you’re all keeping safe lovelies !!

The first thing you were aware of was the throbbing in your head. There was a stabbing pain in your cranium and a throbbing ache in your temples.

The second thing you were aware of was the loud noises filling up the space around you. This plus your roaring headache wasn’t a good mix.

“Be quiet !” You roared, voice raspy as you screamed. You got your wish as the room fell silent.

With whatever strength you could muster, you managed to push yourself up from the cold floor beneath you. Finally you were becoming aware of your surroundings.

“Here love.” The guilty looking figure of Hisirdoux Casperan came into view. The man at least had the decency to look guilty for his previous actions.

You took one look at his face and then the glass of water in his outstretched hand and decided that you hated him.

“Get fucked Hisirdoux.” You spat before using whatever magic you could to send the glass flying against the wall.

That was the third thing you became aware of. You could barely use your magic. What usually felt like an endless sea of power had now dried up to a small spring. Something was wrong.

“What ? I thought you said you blocked her magic off. That’s why we brought her here !” Another voice yelled, more feminine this time and also recognisable.

“You !” Your voice was laced with venom as you glared at the girl, Claire, with a seething hatred. All she did in return was smirk at you, whilst her stupid dippy boyfriend stepped in front of her.

He helped his sword, Daylight, up in front of him outstretched towards you. Though no words were said you could hear the unspoken threats: “make one wrong move and I’ll kill you.”

Just as you opened your mouth to let out some very unladylike words, a raw cough racked your lungs. You keeled over onto your knees and let out a strangled gasp as blood splattered across the hardwood floors. Guess you had some internal bleeding. Oh well. That’s where the blood is supposed to be.

Another pant of guilt racked Douxie’s body as he watched you wheeze for air, blood flaking from your torn lips. He’s down this. He’d hurt you. Whatever happened to the pair of you. Once you’d been the best of friends, sometimes more, and now you were trying to kill each other.

You’d tried to kill him, you’d nearly killed Claire and destroyed the town. Yes. You weren’t the same girl he’d once known. The guilt flooding his system receded. He no longer felt so bad. Or at least that’s what he told himself.

“I’ll take that glass of water now.” You smirked at the boy, who’s face has twisted from sympathetic to loathing. Guess you couldn’t play the sympathy card anymore.

Struggling to your feet, you managed to stand, though admittedly a bit shakily. You were 918 years old it’d take a lot more than two sorcerers to kill you.

With observant eyes you took in your surroundings. Hundreds of books lined the shelves along the walls, covering all sides. Judging from the desk and register at one side of the room you’d have to guess this was a bookstore. But there was more than meets the eye about this place.

Yes. You could feel it. Ancient magic lined the walls of this place, power spreading out across the room. This was the work of Merlín. That old bastard. Always ruining your fun even now.

“So where is he ?” You spat at Douxie, who’d backed up to stand with the two other people in the store, Claire and her knight in shining armour.

A solemn look spread across Douxies face, and for a second you could see the vulnerability under his cold exterior.

“He’s dead.” He muttered, eyes narrowed into daggers as he answered you. A part of you would’ve felt bad for Douxies even if you did hate the old man you knew Douxie loved him like a father.

But not anymore.

Instead a smirk spread across your face.

“You know what I am sorry. No really I am.” You room a step towards them, loving the way they all tensed up. Even though they knew your powers were diminished in this stupid store (Merlin probably placed runes against dark magic) they were still afraid of you. Delightful.

“I’m sorry I didn’t get to kill him.” You spat at them.

Unfortunately whilst you laughed to yourself you didn’t notice Douxie seething with anger as your words repeated themselves over and over again in his mind.

Like a man possessed, Douxie lunged at you, eyes wild as he tackled you to the floor. Your back colllided harshly with the wooden floor, rivets of pain running up and down your spine.

Your eyes met the wild ones of Douxie, who’s mouth was twisted into a snarl. You’d never seen him this angry before. You weren’t sure if you should be terrified or excited. Maybe somewhere in between.

His hands clasped at your wrists, holding them a bit too tightly as he pinned them against the floor. You could feel the warmth of his body through the hard metal of your armour.

“What ? Did I say something insensitive Douxie ?” You smirked at him, a cold malicious grin, as he let out a low sound that was almost like a growl.

Jim held Claire protectively to him as he watched the two of you with wide eyes. Though he knew Claire could protect herself he could sense your growing animosity towards her. You were wild, unpredictable and most of all dangerous.

“Dont ever say his name again. You don’t get to say his name !” Douxie roared at you, anger rushing through his body like a drug.

Another laugh left your red lips, raspy and broken.

“What ? Merlín ? You don’t want me to say Merlín. Merlín. Merlín !” You crowed, eyes flashing with a violent rage as you flared back at the boy.

Unable to contain his rage Douxie let out a growl of sorts before swinging his fist towards you. In a blink of an eye you went from feeling a beast like rage to terror, as you watched his fist come crashing down only for it to go through the floorboards right next to your head.

Silence filled the room, except for the laboured panting of the boy on top of you. With wide eyes you surveyed the damage next to you. His entire first had come crashing through the old oak floors, mere inches from your face. He’d easily have broken your nose maybe even your skull. He could’ve killed you.

But now he’d made a grave mistake.

“Oh Douxie,” you mumbled, face quickly morphing from an expression of fear to pity, “ you shouldn’t have done that.”

It was in that moment that Douxie realised the fatal mistake he’d made, as he stared down at his broken and bloody fist to see the broken outlines of white ash tree chalk. The runes. He’d broken the runes.

And you knew this too.

The tiny spring of power inside of you began to swell and like a dam breaking, power rushed through your body. It was an ocean. More power than they could possibly imagine.

“Now I should thank you.” You laughed as you felt the wounds inside of you heal, your body easily stitching itself back up as you regained your power whilst the numerous cuts littering your body began to close up. Of course the blood remained speckled over your skin and shoe but you didn’t really care. It matched your outfit.

With a flick of your wrist Douxie was sent colliding into the wall, with such force that his body went yraught through creating a nice exit for you. Screams came from the street outside of the store, the sounds of sirens fillin the air. It was like music to your ears.

“Dont make another move.” Breaking free of Jim’s grasp, Claire stepped forwards shadow staff raised and poured right at you.

Her dark eyes were narrowed, expression steely as she glared you down. But you weren’t fooled. Her body was shaking and she couldn’t stop it, she also knew that you could see her fear.

Still you’d give her credit for being brave enough, or maybe dumb enough, to face you.

“You know what sweetheart, maybe in another world we could’ve been friends.” With another wave of your hand her staff was wrenched from her fists without so much as a fight and came flui into your outstrehed palm.

She let out a cry of shock as you twirled it in your hand, smiling a little at the all too familair object.

“This should really be kept in the family.” You mumbled, almost absentmindedly as you admired it.

Taking that moment to strike, as you appeared distracted, Jim swung daylight at you, going for your right shoulder, only to come crashing down as your hand met his chest. With one simple pulse of red magic the boy was sent flying backwards into Claire, the two teenagers colliding harshly against a shelf of books.

It rained paper upon them as the two kids laid there groaning in pain unable to move.

“Bye kids. Be good.” You cackled as you twirled the staff with ease and walked out of the destruction you’d just caused.

Another cackle left your lips as you felt the sunlight on your cheeks once you walked out into the street.

From his spot, strewed against a car, Douxie could barely make out the ruby red silhouette of your figure. But he could feel you, the power that radiates off of you. He’d known you were strong but this was insane. He hadn’t felt this amount of power since Merlín was alive.

For a second your eyes met, the cold stone of yours and broken warmth of his. In that meant the two of you weren’t enemies, soldiers for two different sides, you were (Y/n) and Douxie, two people who’d known each other long than anybody else. You were the last things the other had of Camelot, your fallen home.

And then the moment was over as you launched into the air, and out of sight.