#w me never rly has taken me out has no food at his place like get it together 😭IDK

[girlwithfish]

like when he asked how im doing he didnt like my response i guess and it turned into an argument which is so weird like its so easy to just ask how u can b there for the other person or say some simple bs like ur doing ur best but it turned into an argument... red flag fr

[judehayward]

lady gaga voice slowly fadin in: ju-Das juda-ah-ah… this depressed goblin bastard is honestly my fav male muse like i dnt typically stick w male muses tht long i struggle bt................. i’ve played him the longest of them all n always seem to return to him. jst cnt stay away. way 2 attached to this absurd little man. it’s nai btw!!!! (josefine on the main). launches right in to jude’s intro without further adieu..... (u can also find his playlist here) 🧙‍🎨

「douglas booth & cis-male」⇾ hayward , jude, the senior radcliffe student’s records show that he is a pisces and 23 years old. he is studying ART, living in moris and can be protective, laidback, nonsensical & apathetic. when i see him i am reminded of wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects, lead marbles instead of eyes. ⇽「nai & 23 & gmt & she/her.」

he pinterest:

me in the voice of a card magician performing on the street: round up round up pick a pinterest any pinterest!

ta-da it’s aesthetics:

lead marbles instead of eyes, a stolen hearse careening down the wrong lane, wearing a faded smiley face sticker on your forehead while receiving a serious lecture, bags under the eyes that are so big they could pack enough clothes for a three week vacation, a cigarette wobbling from your bottom lip as you squint against the sunlight, passing out on a stranger’s rooftop, placing sunglasses over the eyes of a biology lab skeleton, gangling around the place like shaggy minus his scooby snacks, saying “fuck off” to inanimate objects

about tha Bitch:

born in sheffield in england, bt they went back and forth between there n san fran a lot

jude was an unhappy accident. his parents never rly used protection bc they were super Liberal n Au Naturel n believed in the pull out method bc… they were maniacs. bt then the ONE time they used a condom in an effort to b safety conscious it broke n hence…. jude was born

they just kind of ran w it bc they had such a passionate relationship tht they were like What The Hell…. may as well! itll be fine we’ll learn to be good parents n love him like normal ppl do

spoiler alert: tht didn’t work out

they were ok to him like they weren’t fully Bad bt they just found him to be a massive burden n hindrance to their plans. pretty absent n irresponsible. they literally….. had sex all day every day n acted like a pair of teenagers. it ws a super weird environment for a kid to grow up in bc he literally had no role models or… guidance or…. anything rly. occasionally they’d joke around w him or pretend they properly knew what grade he was going into but for the most part they just Didn’t Care the way parents shd. they lost his birth certificate n dnt remember what they put as his middle name so he’s jst kind of like hmmmm............. n gives himself a diff one every time ppl ask. past variations hv included: jude pauly hayward, jude maureen hayward, jude van winkle hayward. says all of these w a very straight face

despite this he does hv some nice memories w them. usually he definitely sees them fr holidays. frm being rly young their christmas tradition hs been to get a bunch of chinese food like a Banquet Feast n spend all day smoking n drinking into the early hours. perhaps not the healthiest or most responsible bt 😔 jude rly likes it it’s kind of the one time of yr he feels he has a proper family

they r both suuuuper into the arts. rly good sculptors bt they paint too n they actually own a successful gallery in sheffield n san fran

(trauma tw) as a result he grew up around a lot of creative n sometimes pretentious ppl. the friends of his parents were more present in his life than his ACTUAL parents bc they were always jetting off to diff countries to scout out new pieces fr their galleries n just have a gd time in beautiful places without…. the annoyance tht ws being responsible n looking after someone. tbh some of his parents friends were rly damaging too bt….i won’t go into that just yet. it doesn’t rly…need properly explaining bc jude never talks abt it anyway n it….is rather triggering so i’ll jst….leav it for now tbh. basically they just were Not Nice n jude had a lot of bad memories he keeps repressed bt he also??? has some gd ones..... it was a strange environment bt he’s a survivor

(death n grief tw) he hd to do community service bc he kind of… hd a bit of a breakdown before the funeral of his elderly neighbour who bsically raised him bc her kids rly didnt care abt her they jst wanted her inheritance?? so he… stole the hearse w her casket still in it n ws jst like… drivin around the place sort of… tryin nt to cry…..KJJFHSFKJGHKFG i mean. it isnt funny its actually sad bt :/ in a very bizarre n jude way. he gt caught n taken in fr questioning bt her son kind of realised hw… broken up abt her death jude ws n had a heart n didnt press charges. regardless he stil hd to do community service bc it ws like taken seriously even tho it ws his first proper offence. doin it rly exhausted n depressed him so when he wsnt doin tht he ws just hibernatin in his room……. this ws like 4 months ago nw............ just some fun lore fr u all

bc of how he ws raised he has a p cultured taste. he luvs classic lit n p much anything artsy. he can play piano 2 n sometimes gets rly high n thinks he’s mozart level gd at composing he’s jst going fking wild on the keys in a trance...... i mean he’s gd bt… chill

he’s rly sarcastic n so deadpan like he’ll say smthn completely ridiculous bt he’ll say it w his whole chest so sincere.... it’s rly hard to tell when he’s joking or serious honestly. has an overflowing secret sketchbook n if he cares abt someone he’ll probably secretly draw them. does NOT share these drawings w the person he hates being openly sentimental. at heart he is jst a very Sad Boy w lots of repressed issues like depression genuinely just does NAT giv him a single break bt he plasters over this w wise cracks n never discusses his emotions ever. he’s actually p decent or at least tries to b. he’s kind of like tht bit in superbad where michael cera gets rly drunk n makes a toast to women like tht energy...........

he has rly bad insomnia so he like never sleeps idk how he’s Alive straight up. please go to bed sir............. he always has rly sleepy eyes n rubs them tiredly mid conversation. he smokes a lot of weed to try n compensate fr this n make him tired bt he still struggles a lot

ANYWAY that aside he’s at radcliffe doing art, focusing on fine art like painting is............... the thing he luvs most...... his style is kind of.......... taking normal things n painting w surreal colours.... he likes A LOT of colour in his paintings which is kind of a stark contrast to his personality bc his world’s so.... washed out n grey............ lovs art n philosophy n literature n photography n music.... 

ummMMMMmm honestly idk i’m blankin on what else to say. ull find him smoking weed reading an american classic or gnawing at his thumbnail n getting charcoal smudges on all his clothes. wandering the streets in plaid pj bottoms n dr martens eating frm a cereal box without care in the world. he’s p broody n scruffy n he’s mostly here fr a laidback time....... doesn’t rly like when ppl take themselves too seriously........ likes strange ppl thinks the world is mde richer by them n likes when ppl can jst bounce back jokes at him without being like erm. u dont make sense mate. bc frankly he can come up w some strange stuff sometimes.............. talking to him cn b like navigating a dark n bendy road without a flashlight....... 

(drugs tw) once did shrooms n woke up naked in the woods curled up in a pile of leaves. to this day he recounts this as his werewolf transformation. hs no idea hw he ended up there n when ppl r like are u not. concerned jude. tht is so strange? he jst shrugs like.............. dunno....................... suppose i’m jst a werewolf upon occasion. so casual abt it. jst truly does Not care abt most things at all..... almost to the point tht it’s concerning (sometimes way past the point tht it’s concerning too :/)

this is the desc on an aesthetic i mde of his style once n sums it up well!! ‘additionally: too many pairs of trousers, a hideous amount of white t-shirts all somewhat stained with charcoal, a jumper so thinly knit it almost looks sheer, chipped teale nail varnish, a cream corduroy jacket with a cigarette hole singed onto the cuff, vintage wiry reading glasses he almost never wears, a freshly rolled cigarette behind his ear, a thrifted t-shirt with a warped bart simpson wearing a stethoscope with the caption ‘bard knwos cardiology’ and two crops hacked that way with kitchen scissors that he sometimes wears to paint.‘

EXPERT at rolling spliffs like jst. mkes them so precise n neat....... it’s his super power. his fav thing to smoke frm is banana flavour papers.................... linking 2 this he’s like. bad w emotions bt he does try..... once his friend (maggie) ws sad so he brought her a spliff wrapped in grape flavoured paper bc it’s her fav fruit n jst like. wordlessly gave it to her. it’s the thought tht counts.....

PLOTS!!!!!

plays bass in a band which cld b a fun connection to get together??? i picture the music being like surf rock type like........... mac demarco...... bt he also luvs elliott smith n glass animals n the cure n metronomy n neutral milk hotel n talking heads n radiohead n mazzy star n wolf alice...................... idk jst like.... within tht ballpark i suppose i imagine it being................

mayb ppl he shares classes w?????? i’d like someone tht does a similar course n they hang out tgether when it comes to trips fr the module to museums or exhibits or wtever................ they both stand in front of paintings analysing it rly wrong n saying stuff like hmmmmmmmmm....... i do declare i see a, uh..... large phallus protruding from the centre of this image...... moves something in me.......... n some elderly person looking at it besides them is like Ergh. sickened n disgraced. leaves w a brow severely furrowed

someone he smokes w on the moris rooftop late at night when he cnt sleep??? mayb they’re up n cnt sleep either fr whtever reason n it’s become an unspoken kind of ritual where they always clamber out n find each other there n jst wordlessly keep them company

jude is kind of like. protective almost to a fault sometimes........... mayb some guy he’s punched......................... if they hurt someone he cares abt........... typically it wld hv been a girl he ws kind of like. affected by his first relationship bc she had a bad home situation n ever since jst wnts..... to Protect it’s kind of like an automatic instinct ingrained in him nw 😔 all sounds very noble n well bt sometimes it cn b a bit of an escalation i wnt lie

perhaps a few hook-ups??? jude doesn’t tend to sleep w ppl he rly knows bc he just..... likes it to b an impersonal thing doesn’t like getting attached fr various reasons so mayb they only kno each other via this OR mayb he bent his rules a bit..... cld either work seamlessly or hv added drama if one side hs mre feelings or whtever

currently living in moris w 2 roommates bt i’d love some neighbours perhaps..... mayb someone tht lives directly nxt door to his room n is like ://// bc he plays music loud n weeds always drifting frm his window n mking their room smell if theirs is open too................. or mayb they get on..... mayb there’s a rly mean seagull tht lands on a branch n poos on pedestrians n they both commentate on it frm their windows like david attenborough...... they’re like he’s at it again. they’ve named him n everything

HONESTLY anything if u have an idea hmu i’d love 2 hear it.......... rubs my hands tgether in excitement to plot up a storm w u all

[moody-bloosh]

sjdjdjs i just saw your post abt the fates au for risotto and it was so cute!!! can you please do one for jotaro or kakyoin??? or both being summoned by the same master ??? thank u so much!!! and if not, it's fine. just wanted to say how much that risotto fates au made my heart 💖💞😊💗💘💖💞😊💗💘💖💗😊💘💖💗😊

Jotaro and Kakyoin in Chaldea.

How about I just do both ; )

I’ll be setting this particular piece of work in the Fate Grand Order universe. Mainly because it allows for a single Master to have multiple servants bUT ALSO bc im FGO trash ;;;; hMU IF YALL PLAY THE GAME TOO OKAY (◠‿◕) i started on the JP server during the final Gudaguda event so~ 

a l s o THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR KIND WORDS im rly so happy you like the fate au,, tbh i was very hesitant about posting it but seeing the response ;;; anyways enough rambling from me ,, enjoy ♡ and if you were looking for something a little different please send another ask in! I want to make sure I answer yall’s asks to the best of my ability ^^ 

Being Summoned by the Same Master

Although it’s difficult to work with them at first, given that it takes a while for the two of them to warm up to you. When you do gain their respect, they prove to be very capable and reliable Servants.

Please try to keep the two of them away from Ozymandias.

“Apologies, Master, please do keep me away from that flashy Rider… I-it’s nothing. His laughter is just…unsettling.“

Jotaro doesn’t say much. Just huffs and glares at you if you put him in a team with Ozymandias. He’ll be in a bad mood for the rest of the day.

The two of them are secretly pleased to be reunited again.

Once during a very tense battle, Jotaro takes a hit that was supposed to be meant for Kakyoin.

Kakyoin is very irate, scolding Jotaro as soon as the battle is over, “I could’ve taken that hit! Look at yourself, you’re a mess!” He pauses, “I-it’s not going to be like before, okay? I’m stronger now…so…”

An emotionally charged silence hangs between the two of them before Jotaro finally sighs, “I get it already, good grief…”

You fall asleep on Jotaro’s shoulder once and Kakyoin manages to snap a picture. The only reason he doesn’t get up to destroy the evidence is because he’s worried about waking you up.

“But if you hated it so much,” you mused out loud, “you could’ve just used your Stand, right Jotaro?”

Kakyoin bursts out into laughter while Jotaro gives you piercing look that sends a chill down your spine.

“I-I’m just kidding. Please stop giving me that scary look, Jotaro.“

Of course it goes without saying, they will absolutely crush anyone who harms you.

Individual Headcanons for the two of them under the cut!

Kujo Jotaro

The Throne did not recognize the being known as Jotaro Kujo as a Servant since he lacked the necessary heroic deeds to be recognized as one. However, given the events that transpired during a certain Singularity in Egypt, he was merged with his Stand, Star Platinum and was qualified to be one.

“Kujo Jotaro, class Alter Ego… So, you’ve summoned me,” he sighs. “Good grief.”

In his first ascension, he has some of Star Platinum’s features merged with him. But in his later ascensions he grows to look more like his form during the events of Stardust Crusaders.

Enjoys Emiya’s food. It reminds him of Holly’s cooking.

Try not to use your Command Seals on him. He dislikes being forced to do things and he takes it as you not trusting him enough.

You end up having to explain to him that he doesn’t need to handle everything himself, he has friends and teammates he can rely on at Chaldea.

“So rely on me too, okay Jotaro?” You said with a reassuring smile on your face

“…likewise…”

“W-what was that?”

Jotaro just huffs as he leaves, with you trailing after him, begging him to repeat his words.

Never calls you Master but he does call you by your first name once he finally warms up to you.

His Noble Phantasm’s True Name is Star Platinum. Invoking it lets him rush the enemy with a flurry of punches. In his Final Ascension, he is able to call out the Stand itself to deliver that assault.

With his newfound strength as a Servant, he strives to protect everyone he loves. He won’t lose anyone.

His wish for the Holy Grail is to have been strong enough to save the other Crusaders from their fate.

Kakyoin Noriaki

In the same way, Kakyoin Noriaki was not recognized as a Servant by the Throne and thus was merged with Hierophant Green. He manifests as an Archer.

He has some of Hierophant Green’s features, using the Stand as a projectile launcher for his emeralds. In his Final Ascension, he looks more like his form in Stardust Crusaders.

“Servant, Kakyoin Noriaki. It seems I’ve manifested as an Archer. Hmph, so you’re my Master. Try not to fall behind me.”

You once put him in a team with Boudica and Raikou and you swear to God: he totally flashed you a thumbs up and gave you three Saint Quartz.

“My sincerest thanks, Master.” He tells you with a cheeky grin.

Gets along surprisingly well with Arjuna.

Will protect you with everything he has.

One of his major hang ups is the face that he fell in the middle of battle. Although he fights a little cautiously, he makes sure to end a fight, no matter what.

He used to call you informally by your first name but when you got closer he started calling you Master.

He was rude when you’d first summoned him because he looked down on you as a mage, seeing you as just some random nobody who was called in to fill the numbers.

“Try not to hold me back or get in my way, _____,“ he’d said to you haughtily.

But as he watches you lead the other Servants through countless of victories, face down terrifying threats, be subjected through some of the most horrifying shit, and still manage to keep a smile on your face despite it all. He can’t help but come to adore you too.

Spouts off interesting facts about the places you visit on Rayshifts.

One of the best people to hang out with in Chaldea, you genuinely enjoy having Kakyoin over for tea in your room since he tells you just the craziest stories about the Crusaders and their attempts at taking down DIO.

His Noble Phantasm’s True Name is Emerald Splash. No one can dodge it. For real, okay.

His wish for the Holy Grail is to have been able to stand with his friends at the very end.

[thatbrontide]

1:  Kitchen Counter, Couch, or on top of the dryer? Couch. I am bony. 

2: Your last sexual encounter: Good or Bad and why: Both bc he came too fast, which he said was by accident, and maybe it was, but  it felt fucked up. Good bc I deeply needed intimacy and it was otherwise decent. He kisses well. Also I blocked him about a week afterward bc I realized he’s an asshole. 

3: A fictional person that you think would be good in bed: Kristen Wiig in Hateship Loveship. 

4: Something that never fails to make you horny: A hot guy being nice af. 

5: Where is one place you would never have sex: I’m pretty adventurous, so idk. I’d prefer to not fuck in a family member’s bed, but you could pay me to do it. 

6:  The most awkward moment during a sexual experience was when: I don’t really feel awkward during sex. Maybe a burning dildo. It had deteriorated an I didn’t know they did that. Sorry about that burning asshole I caused. 

7: Weirdest thing that ever made you horny: sock garters?

8: What is the best way to sexually bind someone:  shibari/kinbaku

9: Handcuffs, Rope, or Other: rope

10: What is the fastest way to make you horny: OTK spanking

11: Top or bottom? both

12: Fill in the blanks: We were about to cum but then people showed up to church 

13: Would you ever take a sexual enhancement drug? Poppers or X, I guess? Nope. I prefer sober sex. 

14: Is one orgasm enough? Are multiple orgasms necessary? Depends. 

15: Something that you have hidden in your room that you don’t want anyone to find: books about codependence

16: Weirdest nickname a significant other has ever called you: Nothing weird. 

17: Two things you like [or dislike] about oral sex: I like having a big dick in my mouth and that I’m good at it. I used to adore being face-fucked. I have sucked a dick of someone who could not stay hard, which is the worst possible thing. Don’t act like it makes sense for someone to suck your dick if you don’t maintain an erection. Fuck you. 

18: Weirdest sexual act some has performed  on/with you: This fucking guy and I were hanging out naked after sex and he came over to me and basically started humping me like a dog. It was awful. Other than that, probably knife play, which was extremely fun. (not blood play)

19: Have you ever tasted yourself? I can’t believe anyone doesn’t. 

20: Is it ever okay to not use a condom: Of course, if he’s good at pulling out on time and it’s monogamous and we’ve both been tested. 

21: Who was the sexiest teacher you ever had? Sexiest was probably this history teacher in high school, but he turned out to be racist. Most attractive was an acting instructor I had. I had a problem being around him, it was rough. 

22: A food that you would like to use during a sexual experience: Noooope. 

23: How big is too big (peniswise): I have yet to encounter one that was too big. 

24: One sexual thing you would never do: A race fantasy. Like if a guy who’s black wanted me to call him the N word or do racial master-slave shit. 

25: Biggest turn on: communication, but not too sincere and not too buzzwordy. Ugh. 

26: Three spots that drive you insane: On me? nipples, kiss on forehead, being held at the upper rear thigh, or where the crotch meets the thigh when I’m being eaten out

27: Worst possible time to get horny: during a pandemic, when depressed, at work

28: Do you like it when your sexual partner moans: absolutely. 

29: Worst sexual idea you ever had: Being too open with my kinkiness with someone much less experienced. I should have taken it slowly. 

30: How much fapping is too much fapping: maybe 5 times a day is too much. I don’t know if I could do more than twice a day. 

31: Best sexual compliment you ever got: He cried it was so good. I’ve been told that I’m the best head they’ve gotten, best kisser they’ve kissed, best sex they’ve had... 

32: Bald, landing strip, Jumanji: depends on my mood and whom I’m dating

33: Is it good sex if you don’t nut: Not usually. It can be sweet or intimate, but that’s just good intimacy, not good sex. Like if someone started crying and we stopped, for example. The sex is no longer important. 

34: Fill in the blanks: “If they come first, we are over.” lol

35: What your favorite part of your body: I have nice boobs, but idk. 

36: Favorite foreplay activities: um... making out? being eaten out? 

37: Love (>,<, or =) Sex I reject the premise. 

38: What do you wear to bed? leggings and a t-whirt and socks. Sometimes just boy shorts

39: When was the first time you masturbated: 13 or 14, but I didn’t know how to do it, so I didn’t cum until my bf ate me out when I was 17. He taught me how to masturbate, basically, and I needed to think about him to do so successfully. 

40: Do you have any nude/masturbating pictures/video of yourself? Eh. 

41: Have you ever/when was the last time you had sex outside? It was probably 2009. The guy was a permaculturist 7 years older than I was and had somehow never fucked outside. He was so excited. I miss outdoor sex. I liked fucking him. 

43: Have/would you ever had a threesome? I did once. Hated it. Would realy love to never do it again. 

44: What is one random object you’ve used to masturbate? A jumbo carrot. 

45: Have/would you ever masturbate at work? No. I don’t think that’s okay, and would judge anyone who did it, unless they had PGAD or something. 

46: Have/would you ever have sex on a plane? No. I don’t get the mass appeal. I would, but who cares. 

47: What is one song you’d like to have sex to? FLOTUS

48: What is something nonsexual that makes you horny? I’m not sure. Someone I like being genuinely nice to ppl is one. 

49: Most attractive celebrity? Bill Hader? That drag photo shoot of him kills me. 

50: Do you watch gay/lesbian porn? why/why not? Not usually. I used to, but mostly for educational purposes. 

51: If a child was born on the occasion of the last time you had sex, how old would that child be right now? About two months old. It’s rough out here. 

52: Has anyone ever posted nude pictures of you online? I hope not. 

53: What is one thing that NEVER makes you horny? “Cum for me,” and I’m sure myriad others things guys think are hot to say. 

54: Do you have stretch marks? just a few on my butt

55: How do you feel about your stretch marks? don’t care. 

56: Has anyone ever had a problem with your stretch marks? That would be ludicrous. They could leave. 

57: Do you like giving head? (why/why not) I fucking love i if I love the person or in the rare situation that they have a big dick and we have great chemistry. 

58: How do you feel about tattoos on someone you are interested in? They are fine. It depends on the tattoos. Some ppl have awful tattoos that I’d have to actively ignore the whole time. 

59: How would you feel about taking someone’s virginity? I’m not sure. I’m mostly attracted to ppl like 10 years older than I am, so I’d be okay doing it w someone who’s fully not even a young adult. The circumstances under which I’d want to would be unlikely, though. 

60: Is there any food you would NOT recommend using during a sexual encounter? Any and all food. No thank you. 

62: Do you own any sex toys? Which ones? nipple clamps, vibrator, dildo, flogger. 

64: Would you be offended if your significant other suggested you get plastic surgery? Yes.

65: Would you rather be a pornstar or discreet sex worker? Depends on what kind of sex worker. idk. 

66: Do you watch porn? Every once in a while, and only when I’m too unimaginative

67: How small is too small? Haven’t had it happen, so idk. 

68: Have you ever been called a freak? Why? Sure. I’m kinkier than most ppl. 

69: Who gave you your last kiss? Did it mean anything? The last guy I fucked, who I blocked on my phone. It meant that we were both horny/lonely during a pandemic

71: Do you feel comfortable going “commando”? Not at all. I don’t know how vagina-owners don’t mind a vaginal fluid straight onto their pants. 

72: Would you have a problem with going down on someone if they hadn’t shaved their pubic hair? Nope

73: If you could give yourself head, would you? It kind of saddens me to think about that. I’d probably try once, and maybe until I felt like I’d be good at doind it to someone else. 

74: Booty or Boobs? I’m not gay enough for this question. Probably boobs. 

75: If you had a penis, what would you name it? I hate when ppl name body parts and cars. It’s dumb. 

76: Have you ever been on an official date? Of course. 

77: Have you ever cheated on someone? (Why?) Kind of. I made out with a member of my favorite band when I was 19 bc I thought I couldn’t miss the opportunity. He invited me on his tour bus but I couldn’t “fully” cheat. 

78: If you were a stripper, what would your name be? It’s a secret

79: Have you ever had sex in your parents bed? (Would you?) I haven’t. You could pay me to, but I don’t rly want to. Part of me also kind of doesn’t care. Like in sitcoms when ppl are like “Ew! You had sex on the chair I’m sitting in?” Who cares, it’s not like you’re sitting in a puddle of jiz. 

80: How would you react if you found out your parents had sex in your bed? I would be v surprised bc they hate each other and prob haven’t had sex in at least 30 years. 

81: What was your reaction the first time you saw a penis/vagina? I remember seeing my brothers, and thinking it was funny. I just remember being in a locker room when I was maybe 8 and seeing women’s crotches and noticing they were all different. I don’t think I looked at my own until I was like 14, so I wasn’t worried about it. 

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas : The villain’s little hero

Also on AO3! 

TL;DR:  All Might, Japan's number 1 villain has a successor. The problem? His successor is a hero hopeful. All Might will stop at nothing to make sure his kid gets to live his dream.

au where all might is a villain raising izuku to be a hero!

quirkless izuku, his backstory is mostly the same

all might decided that hero work had too much red tape. if he was going to take down afo, he needed the freedom to do whatever he had to and he wasnt getting that working within the law

so hes a,,, viilllaaaiinnn?? like. stain. but less murdery, would also save civilians if they were in danger

he has 0 qualms about crippling fake heroes but hes not a fan of murder

nighteye is still his sidekick, he doesnt use his quirk on allmight bc all might h a t e s it

hes kinda on board with "the future is only set in stone because you've seen it now" so he wants the freedom to break fate. but its very useful to get info, so nighteye just uses it on other people

hero to the people villain to literally everyone else

allmights villain costume is reallll similar to his hero costume. just less eye bleeding

he has longer grey hair too.

all mights bronze age costume is basically his villain costume thanks for listening

david shield is still in this story

david agrees w all might and like,,, sneaks him stuff on the downlow

all might told him ab. his quirk because who on earth is gonna believe that one america man about japans worst supervillain?

also melissa is a Soft Young Woman and she is all mights favourite person on this fucking planet until he meets izuku

all might went to ua, only defected after completing his hero training because he wanted to be trained by the people he was going to screw over

izuku has always kinda been a big fan of all might. not openly because hes legally a villain and very much paints himself as one, but his quirk is one of the most amazing things izuku has ever seen

when he looks closer, all might has never let a civilian get hurt once hes been on scene. hes taken hits to protect housing, hes pulled heroes from the line of fire

izuku watches his sports festivals and wonders why? why did all might, the man who happily told the world he'd stop at nothing to keep them safe, suddenly flip sides like that for no reason?

izuku doesnt buy it

izuku's big yellow backpack is a big red one in this universe, hes had it so long its gone pink but he still loves it

the sludge villain

all might saves him and izuku is crying. allmight thinks its because hes scared but izuku just turns to him with this big weepy eye smile and gives him the most genuine thanks he thinks hes ever been given

(its honestly the shock of that that makes him deflate into small might, which has izuku scrambling to find tissues and called an ambulance before he thinks better of calling emergency services for All Might)

izuku is like "Im SO SORRY SIR ARE YOU oK"

and all might is like ",,, b  oy"

izuku softly asking

"can,, can i still be someone with out a quirk? can i still make a difference?"

all might doesnt get the chance to anser because there is a massive explosion in the distance

its bakugo!! hes dying

the sludge villain got away bc izuku and all might were chatting a little

izuku hears it and he feels this terrible realization, because its probably not bakugo? but its definitely bakugo because izuku's life is falling to pieces

he sprints towards him and katsuki will n e v e r admit it but he feels hope in that moment because some one is trying to help. even if its just izuku, he wasnt totally left for dead

all might sees this tiny, nervous, quirkless kid run straight up to a villain that almost killed him seconds before to save someone what looks like they'd rather die

and he thinks

"no one deserves one for all more than him"

and allmight, the most wanted villain in japan, maybe the world, jumps in

the heroes look at him and they are scared. if they couldnt take the sludge villain, what is all might going to do to them? but the scariest man in japan, the person parents tell their kids about to stop them from going out at night, blows the sludge villain to tiny pieces and carefully, gently, places the two boys by the heroes

before he vanishes before they can call for backup or even ask why

izuku gets yelled at by the heroes because the heroes are scared and angry they couldnt stop either of the villains and izuku is so overwhelmed that hes crying and he can hardly breathe

bakugo doesnt even yell at him because hes so dazed about everything that happened and he cant make himself yell at this sobbing kid that used to be his friend

(bakugo is holding izukus hand like hes going to crush it but its the only thing keeping izuku present)

izuku is walking home and hes still hicuping and crying because he almost died and the heroes hate him and he feels a hand on his shoulder, and a soft :"its ok now my boy"

he knows its all might but he cant help but hide his face in his shirt and sob

all might gets down so he can look izuku in the eye

"you asked me if you could be someone with out a quirk and i didnt get the chance to answer. my answer? you already are someone. you are someone that inspired me, a villain, to save the day. you are going to be amazing"

and looks him dead in the eye "you'll do amazing things, even with out a quirk. but, you of all people deserve one, and no matter what you chose to do with it, it can be yours. hero, villain or someone in between"

izuku looks at this villain

this painfully thin villain, who just saved his life and who has unimaginable strength

and he throws his arms around his waist and sobs

inko isnt a great mum in this au and she likes to basically pretend izuku doesnt exist

izuku trains a lot and has to make his own food bc his mum just ignores him

he sneaks out at night to clear trash and sneaks back in before dawn to clean the sand from his hair

he smells like saltwater and rust, and he hasnt slept more than 4 hours a night in weeks and katsuki is worried

all might sees him crumbling with a smile stuck on his face and he wants to stop him from self-destructing, but the kid will never learn his lesson until he feels his body give up under what hes doing to it. if all might steps in he'll do it again and again until no one stops him and hes never learnt his limit.

so he waits and he watches while he pretends he cant see the bags under his eyes and pretends that everytime izuku sways on his feet he doesnt feel a jolt of deep panic

did he do this? if he the reason izuku looks like hes falling apart before his eyes?

the kid passes the fuck out and all might tells him off in a soft dad way and izuku cries bc why does this villain care more than his mum does

and all might catches the end of that little mumble, and feels terrible so he pretends he didnt hear and takes him for lunch

they go to a cafe and all might buys izuku the cutest slice of cake and a big ass bowl of katsudon and some fancy fucking tea and covers the kids eyes every time he tries to look at the prices

izuku looks at all might and asks

"are you buying me katsudon with crime money"

and all might looks sheepish and izuku giggles like an idiot and says "dont tell me ill feel bad!!!"

all might grins bc this kid is honestly the only reason he hasnt stabbed a pro hero in a few months bc hes so fucking sweet

he has to carry izuku half the way home bc the kid could barely lift his chopsticks and almost fell asleep in the booth after he finished eating

and allmight, skinny and kinda scary is giving his 15 year old a piggy back and someone says "you're such a good dad!" and he almost coughs up his last lung

izuku mumbles sleepily and hes has the biggest warm and fuzzy feeling and hes going to yell bc hes All Might the No. 1 Villain and this fucking kid is drooling on his sweater but he would die for him

some random stranger on the street commenting on how it was rly fortunate that izuku inherited his adorable smile from his father

all might, abt to burst into tears: whack

allmight is easily flustered even when hes killed a man

he comes home and inko isnt there so he has to like, wake up izuku to get him to open the door and he feels bad bc izuku is a Sleepy Man

izuku mumbles that he cant ever tell if shes at home or not because nothing changes and all might feels a wave of "wait my son isnt being parented enough"

so he makes izuku a cup of tea and tucks him into bed after he has a shower because izuku is His Son Now Inko

hes like

sitting in the living room reading the paper and he hears inko's car and hes like ",,, fuck it im walking out the front door im no coward"

she doesnt even notice and hes going to scream because does she have a brain

inko, spaced out, tired and terrible: oh is the tall man here for izuku :))) thats great :)))

all might is screaming bc"" do you get let weird men into see your tiny son>???? what the fuck???

hes so small inko??? and you?? let random men in?????

all might would yeet her into the sun if he could but his boy needs an actual family member to make going to ua easier

inko is kinda mentally ill. she is depressed and often forgets she has izuku. like shes not always being terrible she just sometimes forget to do basic things

one time she locked izuku out of the house for 10 hours and he had to sleep next to the front door

one month she didnt buy any food so by the end of it he was starving and out of his own money and there was n o t h i n g in the house, but inko would go out to eat every night and lunch and not take her son

allmight is upset bc izuku didnt tell him but izuku is embarrassed. embarrassed that he was forgotten by his own mum, that he couldnt do anything to help her or himself and honestly mad he was so hungry all might noticed bc he didnt want to bug him

it was getting to the point that katsuki actually slipped some change into his bag with a candy bar

[lookwhatilost]

24

i. i must’ve passed out unintentionally at some point. im not happy abt it. I didn’t take my makeup off yet. my teeth aren’t brushed. I do this a lot and I worry abt how damaged they must be getting, jst bc I’m stupid and drink too much. I dnt think I drink that much, I mean maybe in general, but not last night. I had, what? the flights at area two, the spiked seltzer and Moscow mule at cityside, the two beers when I got back to the apartment—wait, no, that actually is kind of a lot. im not sure when I got so desensitized. I check the clock—2AM—so i actually haven’t been knocked out for as long as I thought. two hours, probably. it could be worse. the cat is still awake and still being credulous with me. he’s warming up to me again, but it’s a little disheartening to redo this dance with him each time I see him. remember me, dammit. i remember you. I dnt think I’m being entirely fair to him, though. he’s a cat. i can’t rly apply my human understanding of anything to his behavior. either way, he’s waiting outside the bathroom for me when I go in to attend to my teeth and makeup. he follows me. he falls asleep next to me. i feel a little bit validated. part of me thinks being the kind of person that animals like effortlessly is the mark of some inherent goodness, but I know it’s illogical and this took effort. i want to jst believe there’s goodness here, and in my absence of any real examples, I’ll assign depth to something like this. sometimes it’s all you can do.

ii. the sun doesn’t have any business being up at five-something, but it is, and I dnt think there are shades in this room. well, I’m not sure, maybe there are, but I didn’t have the foresight to look for them or close them. llewyn has moved, he’s in his actual bed now, but he seems to have taken notice of the fact that I’m awake. I try to rest my eyes a little bit. i know i won’t be able to sleep with the sun in my eyes, but it’s restful anyway. I have a long day ahead of me and i want to ease into the morning. i think i drifted back off but I can’t tell. llewyn has moved again. it seems like he wants to cuddle now. impeccable timing, as always. ive heard ian’s alarm go off a few times in the other room but they’ve still not come out of it. i have to leave soon. i wanna actually physically say goodbye but I’m worried they’re avoiding me. the last time we had a goodbye moment, i kissed them on the cheek and that probably made them rly uncomfortable. I’m not even sure why I did that. i think they’re the only person im comfortable showing any kind of affection towards but that doesn’t make that action any less weird. especially given... i dnt want to think abt that shit anymore, actually. i can’t without feeling ashamed and very, very stupid. it’s not like that anymore, but i wonder how much has to happen and how much time has to elapse for something like that to not actually matter anymore. i wonder if it ever won’t. it’s probably not personal. not everything that affects me is abt me, sheesh.

iii. the iced coffee at cumberland farms tastes the same as the iced coffee everywhere else, but i can’t get it here often, and it’s very inexpensive. it can’t help but occur to me that 24 ounces of coffee is 7 calories, and the calorie counts are printed on the packages of the food I got—250 for the sandwich, 150 for the hash browns. i marinade on the thought for a little bit before deciding what to do with it. I eat my food and drink the coffee and try not to remember. I do anyway. I’m trying to think of different numbers. this is a pretty substantial takeaway breakfast for $3 and change. better than what i probably could have got at mcdonalds. the sandwich is kind of soggy but it’s not bad. the hash browns are better.

iv. five hours in the car fly by my nose and im back home, kind of. i think I’m still trying to figure out what “home” means. this place is familiar. it’s where i live. my roommate’s dirty dishes from yesterday morning are still in the sink. mail that the cat knocked off the counter on my way out is still sitting on the floor. 24 hours have passed since I was last here, but it looks like nothing has been touched. I may as well have just stepped out for a cigarette.

v. very rarely does anything change in a days time, but when enough of them pass, everything is suddenly different. i slept on this couch more times than I could count before i was even on the lease, like I’d known I’d someday live here and wanted to warm myself up to it. and I’ve lived here for a while now, going on 8 months to be exact, but it simultaneously feels much longer than that, and as though it hasn’t actually been that long. a lot has happened in that time, but mainly to evan. ive witnessed many things that he’s done but have branched out very little myself. i transferred at my job abt a year ago but im still doing the same work I’ve been doing since i was 19. i still have the same friends but i see increasingly less of them. i get into the same car and travel the same roads that take me the same places. i still drink jst as much.

vi. my body has changed a lot, but the things I’ve always hated abt it are still there and the changes have jst given me more to resent. i look in the mirror when I get out of the shower and it’s all the same. the face with the perpetually stupid, bovine look plastered on it, the same masculine jaw, broad shoulders, breasts that are too far apart, more noticeably so since they’ve gotten smaller, the laparoscopy scar on my navel, the clusters of freckles that are jst pigmented enough to make my skin look blotchy, the perpetually inflamed hair follicles on my thighs, the knobby knees, always covered in bruises, the leg that’s slightly shorter than the other. the counter in the bathroom is high enough that I can’t see my labia but I know they’re there. I want to go a day without debating whether to cut them off with the sharpest knife I can find. it’s not today. the weight loss did little to make me feel better abt the way it all looks—the size of my jaw and shoulders is more apparent now that they are less hidden, my eyes bug out, it’s hard to contort so that my ribs aren’t visible somewhere, my hipbones poke through my clothing. I dnt think I’ve ever looked so bad in my life. Im going to cover up.

vii. I look at the date on my phone and saw that it was the 24th and for some reason identified that this was the last time I’d see that number on a calendar before I turned 24 myself. It doesn’t seem to make sense that I’m that old now. I know it’s not old, too, but it doesn’t seem like that should be me. I still think I behave like a child in a lot of respects, and the thought conjures a memory of my old therapist insulting me, saying that I had the mental tendencies of a child in grammar school. when she told me this initially, I replied to her sarcastically: “well, shit. maybe I should see a therapist abt that” and she told me not to come back to her practice. I cried on the way home despite how cognizant I was of the absurdity of the situation. “grammar school”—who even calls it that? it stuck with me nonetheless. it’s hard to have a therapist fire you, even with the knowledge that the therapist in question was not very good, without wondering if you’re a basket case, if help will always be lost on you.

viii. my job isn’t the worst but the labor feels pointless and it rly intensifies my feelings that I’m fighting never ending monotony to wring out very little in the way of satisfaction. i think you rly have to love this job to do it as a career, or maybe you need to have a specific personality type that makes it easier to engage w. im not very good at socializing and i think im getting too old to keep making excuses for myself abt that. meg and ash are always nagging me to sell more but i dnt feel comfortable enough to make small talk w these people, let alone sell them stuff. i feel like i sound so stupid when I speak aloud. i use a lot of fillers in my speech and it’s rly hard to talk abt hair without sounding like a bullshitter. something is very insincere abt the language that’s involved. i know i know what im talking abt but I dnt know how to sound like i know what I’m talking abt, and it’s hard bc the latter is a lot more important.

ix. I can’t tell if people sincerely aren’t making sense today or if im foggy bc i kept waking up and going back to sleep. this guy keeps saying that the last woman who cut his hair used a 5 on the sides and a 9 on the top but she cut it all w scissors. that definitely doesn’t make sense. i dnt think they even make a 9. why would she be using clipper settings to describe a scissor cut? the top here is at least 3 times as long as the sides and back are. im not going—oh my god, i can’t deal w kids who scream during their haircuts—insane, right? stuff like this makes me rly doubt myself, too, like there are bigger gaps in my knowledge than—wow he rly jst is not tiring himself out w this screaming, huh—i feel there are. what if this actually is a coherent way to describe a haircut? maybe he rly is jst stupid, but I also think that when you write people off as “stupid” all the time, it reflects—god, why is his baby sister screaming now too? nothing is even fucking happening to her—worse on you than it does on them. it’s always the biggest idiots who are so self-satisfied to think that. but im not self-satisfied at all, im very insecure and it’s constantly apparent, but everyone is insecure abt a lot, and that doesn’t doesn’t equal intelligence. I wish I had a sounding board. and i rly wish that kid in Niya’s chair would stop crying.

x. everyone in the salon today seems like they’re in a bit of a weird mood, it’s not jst me for once. the phone is annoying me a lot more than usual today. i feel like it’s ringing every 20 minutes. niya is always very avoidant when it comes to taking haircuts, but meg is lagging today which is unusual. it was busy, too, but i keep getting shafted where tips are concerned. most of my regulars who were due to come in around this time came earlier this week, and usually they’re the ones who tip me the best. the radio station that’s on is very weird too, distractingly so—it’s gone from bowie, to panic at the disco, to nirvana, the police, florence and the machine, neil young, lord huron, rhcp, crowded house. it’s not intolerable, but i can’t seem to follow any sort of genre or time period theme and im paying more attention to figuring this out than i am what im supposed to be doing. it’s that point in the night where people generally stop coming in and I know I haven’t made very much. I’ve counted... $24. weird. are they playing “brick”? that’s a throwback.

xi. i remember my ex being rly into mystics despite not understanding them very well. i forget what he was doing w my natal chart, but he told me once that 24 would be a rly significant year for me. i asked him why and he said that’s all he could figure, there was nothing in the way of further details that he provided. i know I said something back to him abt hoping that id be married by 24—so stupid. granted, i would have been 18 or so at the time and 24 seemed very distant at the time. but that was 6 years at the time, now it’s less than 3 weeks. ive changed a lot, mentally at least, but my circumstances haven’t rly. maybe on superficial levels. yeah, i support myself financially and i have a job in a field i could realistically work in for the rest of my life if I wanted to do that. but im still jst as unsure abt what I want and what’s going to happen to me. i feel like I’m more “sought after” in a few ways, but my phone is jst as dry as it’s always been. i was hoping the move would have been good for me but im very scared abt doing it alone. and i might still do it, i jst dnt know what the timeline is going to look like and there’s no promise of me turning over a new leaf for real and finding my inspiration jst bc my scenery has changed. every time ive moved when I was younger, it jst dug me deeper into loneliness. but i was a child and it wasn’t my choice. but there’s no way for me to rationalize asking my actual lived experiences. maybe that’s the big thing that’ll happen to me at 24? or maybe instead of getting married, I’ll break a marriage up. i know that’s not going to get that far, you know, w kenny. i probably shouldn’t joke abt it, though.

xii. it looks like Evan is home from friday’s already and i rly dnt want to be around him right now. im still feeling rly hurt abt him pulling the plug on the massachusetts move without making any effort at all to sort his finances out or secure some additional income that wasn’t the precarious extra dollars he’s been getting from porn. he keeps sinking all of his money into bar tabs and impulse purchases and takeaway food. and his cars. i wish he would jst be honest w himself abt the cars already. he needs to sell the honda and be done w it before he has to replace the engine and drop another two grand on repairs. i dnt know why he never listens to me. im rly growing to dislike him, but we’re in this together whether i like it or not, and im not going to lead him astray when his financial problems are dragging me down w him. i think i am going to be a hypocrite and go out alone tonight. kenny’s bar is doing that bottle opening thing tonight, right? but i dnt rly want to be around kenny right now. but he might not be there. but i also get a weird satisfaction from being around him I’ll bet it’s going to be a madhouse there, too, and i rly hate crowded bars. but it’s something to do. maybe i will get lucky and someone will talk to me and we’ll have a decent conversation and I’ll never see them again after. why is that my ideal?

xiii. god, running out the last hour on the clock is always hell. no one ever seems to come in, so it feels like a huge waste of time, but when people do come in, i get very irritated. so I’m not sure what i actually want from my time here. i think im jst too fixated on how being stuck here until close almost every night is hurting my ability to expand myself socially. but what would i even be doing if i wasn’t here? i think i would jst be finding a way to waste time. id be sinking hours into doing nothing like I do all the time. i have a lot of time on my hands, in the grand scheme of things. i have literally no idea where it all goes. i drink a lot of it away bc i am generally too uninspired to participate in my hobbies, and i think that feeds the darkness bc they make me very happy. at least w cooking, yknow, i have to eat. i have an organic need to engage w that one. all else has been falling through the cracks, though. i dnt think ive picked my bass up in 3 weeks.

xiv. Kenny’s bar looks like it’s absolutely mobbed and I’d be upset if I went all the way out there only for me not to be able to sit down anywhere. it looks like Evan went back out. that works. i have beer at home. I’d be smarter to save the money anyway. i want to support kenny and the rest of the guys, even though I dnt have a lot of nice things to say abt him. his brewery is cool. it’s cool to have something with so much potential come out of your home town, even if i dnt entirely identify w that place as being my home town. but it’s better than saying that im from alabama, even though i feel like my childhood is more tethered to mobile. i think people would make weird assumptions abt me if I said that. people are rly unfair to what the south is actually like. i dnt know. but their growth has been nice to watch. seeing something you’ve supported since the beginning grow to the degree it has makes you feel pride even if it has nothing to do with you personally. and ive had so many good moments there, w ian, w my family, in general. i met justin there and im happy abt that, even though i dnt know what’s going on w justin. i dnt think justin knows what’s going on w justin. 

xv. looking at my shelf of ian souvenirs is making me miss ian, even though we were jst together, even though we’re seeing one another again in 2 weeks. I wish I could engage w them in a more stable way. seeing them reminds me of being a teenager and breaking into the apartment i used to live in on governor’s island. and since the base went out of commission not long after we moved, i was the last person to live in that apartment. i went back into my first bedroom and the evidence that it used to belong to me was still apparent, but the floorboards had been warped and the wallpaper was very faded out. i felt weird being back, nostalgia and warmth pitted against the instinct that i wasn’t supposed to be there. i wasn’t supposed to see it—a rosy memory colliding w irrefutable proof of the passage of time. ive been very unfair to them, ian, in so many respects but it’s all very mixed and complicated. i look at this person, and i see so many years worth of history, but the familiar messy gold hair is framing a slightly different, slightly fuller face. they talk abt people i dnt know very well, stories set in a city ive spent very little time in. it’s disorienting. i feel like when im here alone, im always confronting their ghost, in places we used to go together, in things we used to talk abt doing but never did—a final hike on a trail that closed before we got the chance to go together, their name scratched in the wall of a dive bar, things they’d always point out on the side of the road, small pieces of their essence scattered across a place they are no longer a part of. i wonder what I did to deserve any preservation, too. i see this person who I truly am proud of, who i rly do think is going places, and that respect gets interpreted into feelings of inadequacy. that there’s no way someone like this can look at me and see anything other than an unstable failure. i dnt think any other person knows me more fully, for better or for worse. worse is dominant. i know it is. my intuition is always screaming at me that they hate me, that they left bc they wanted to get away from me. literally none of that makes sense. i know they dnt lie to spare my feelings, but i feel like they almost have to be. i wonder why i can’t trust that im cared for. i wonder why I can’t have an evaluation of another person that i dnt immediately relate back to myself.

xvi. it took two beers for me to realize that I haven’t eaten anything since i was in boston. i need to stop doing this shit, but im still getting my calories if im drinking them, right? i feel like it doesn’t make sense for recovery to be as difficult as it is, but my emotions have always interfered w my hunger cues, and my body is so accustomed to constantly being hungry that it’s not something i even notice that much anymore. I’ve been getting weird pins and needles feelings in what I’m assuming are my intestines as I’ve upped my intake and I’m afraid of them rupturing and me bleeding out internally when I’m home alone. such a pathetic way to die—having your own blood and bile and shit poison you. I doubt I’m on my deathbed, i think my system is jst on the slow path to returning to normal, but i wasn’t expecting physical symptoms aside from weight gain, which on its own, i could live w. my ednos was never as restrictive as it was until somewhat recently. my problem was generally concerned w binge eating and compensatory behavior, usually fasting or short periods of restriction or exercise. all punishment based. i can’t help but find it ridiculous that i ended up w an eating disorder despite never caring abt my weight. even when I was a high school freshman and overweight, i didn’t care. i think it’s because i dnt outwardly self harm anymore, and that self-destructive need has translated into other conduits. the scars this leaves are much more socially acceptable than what I was left w when I was younger and carved “dumb whore” into my thigh. i can’t believe i did something so stupid. im glad that finally isn’t visible anymore. i can’t believe that i’m almost 24 and still, to some extent, do shit like that.

xvii. i still have that vacation time that I took to look at apartments in massachusetts, and since that isn’t going to happen, i want to take a poorly planned solo vacation. i looked at places to stay in DC, in chicago, in nashville, but i left discouraged. nashville is too far, Chicago is too expensive, DC seems too dangerous. i think my perpetual anxiety prevents me from taking full advantage of my freedom. and I can be free. 24 hours ago, I was in Boston and I didn’t have to tell anyone I was doing that. I’ve navigated a strange place on my own. I lived to tell the tale, but I also wonder what the point is of stuff like this if I have no one to share it w. No one to reminisce w. it feels like a waste of money. almost nothing feels worth what I spend on it––time, money, calories, stop thinking abt calories.

xviii. i open another beer, basically on an empty stomach. i need to stop drinking like this, it’s not even negotiable anymore. i know this is a problem. i need to stop. i dnt know if I want to stop. i want to drown in bliss but I feel none. alcohol amplifies everything I feel, and when I’m feeling good, it’s generally very good, but when it’s bad, it gets very bad. i feel weird now so it’s amplifying the negatives. they do not need that. no, i dnt need that. i know this is an addiction. im scared, but not scared enough to do anything abt it.

xix. i still have Rebecca on social media despite everything. she’s moved, she’s no longer in my proximity, but i still have her on things even though I have no motivation to keep any sort of peace with her. I remember when things happened, when i was too drunk to stand up and she insisted on forcing herself on me anyway, after the fact she kept saying all this stuff to me abt how she wanted me to be her girlfriend and i jst sort of laid there and said nothing. i had nothing to say. i wasn’t processing what’s happened, i jst kept thinking “this is bad. that was bad” to myself. and then she never rly follows up, a small acknowledgment of culpability, maybe, but she’s moved in w some boyfriend now. it’s weird that people can do awful things to you and move on like nothing happened, and you have those moments stuck in your head, keeping you stunted, keeping you away from living uncorrupted, uninhibited, the way you should engage w it. i think of how demoralizing it is to have your perception shattered by a 30-something woman who still laughs at nyan cat shit. i think of how most discussions of sexual assault in the mainstream act as though only men are capable of it, as though it’s only ever happening in heterosexual contexts. i think of how everyone who bullied me in high school probably does not even remember it. i think it’s absurd to compare the two things but I dnt laugh.

xx. i want to talk to Justin but i have nothing to say. i dnt know what I should talk to him abt. i dnt know how you’re supposed to do this stuff. im comforted by the fact that, since he was w someone for 10 years, he’s rly out of the dating loop, and he have no idea what he’s doing either. but it’s a red flag, you know. I think we’re jst friendly. and I’m okay w that, I need friends. i want friends. i never see fati anymore these days. things w evan are polluted. ian is very far away. it occurred to me that i know very little abt him, aside from us getting along, but do we actually? how would I know? it’s not uncommon to have good conversations, for most people. but he knows more abt me than I do abt him. i dnt think i could name a single one of his interests if prompted. he probably couldn’t name one of mine that isn’t “drinking”. I’m not sure if I’m willfully ignorant of reality or if im jst assigning negativity to something without a lot of basis. i wonder why im incapable of living in the moment and not thinking too deeply abt what happens to me. i figured out what I’m doing w all the time on my hands.

xxi. everyone has been telling me lately that i should try to monetize my cooking and I dnt know if I believe them. i can’t imagine I’m as good at it as people say. i dnt trust it. im not even sure if it’s a passion, rly, i think my eating disorder has corrupted my relationship w food and i have to push harder to be interested in it normally, and this is how i cope. i might jst be on a kick. and if it actually is a passion, do i want to ruin it by making it into a living? i didn’t feel one way or the other abt hair when I went into it. it was a neutral activity. to grow to hate it is not a loss. i only care abt being good at it bc directly dealing w people makes my failures feel very personal when they happen. i know good food is something you can’t fake. i made ian spring rolls yesterday and they insisted I not watch them eat. i respected the request, but i needed to see the look on their face. I’m annoyed I didn’t. everything was eaten, I know they wouldn’t have done that if they hated them. but I only have my family to go off otherwise, and they would definitely lie to me. so i dnt know. i feel like support is untrustworthy. i know the people who won’t be honest w me, i dnt entirely trust praise from the people who I know who aren’t shy to say “it’s not my thing, I’m not crazy abt it”. i dnt know why i can’t accept that I’m good at anything.

xxii. there’s no reason for my scale to be out when i’m “trying” to “recover” but i will not put it away. i step on it anyway, and it looks like i’m 103lbs, fully clothed, stomach full of beer. i know it’s bad, but i get a weird amount of gratification from seeing it. it’s very hard to maintain a weight that low, so it feels like an accomplishment, even though it isn’t one. it’s been months since i had a period, and that adds to the sense of satisfaction. but it’s not good. obviously. it’s really getting in the way of me wanting to work out and actually improve my body. i’m fatigued. i’m foggy. i know the fact that i’m depriving myself is partially responsible for my terrible mood. i know i already had a heart problem, why on earth would i make that worse for myself? i’ve been having a few normal eating days, so i still won’t admit to myself that i’ve relapsed. i had a lava cake 5 days ago! there’s a quarter stick of butter in that! and an ounce of chocolate! i didn’t care, so obviously i’m doing something right. i know i’m not, entirely, but i’m staying positive. either that, or i’m extremely in denial. there’s still chocolate in the cabinet. no, of course i am not going to eat it.

xxiii. meg scheduled 6 people on tomorrow, so it looks like i’m not going to make any goddamn money again. my aunt is coming in, so i’ll get a little more from her, but the cash i take home there is so very inconsistent. i feel like the more money i save, the more i worry abt it, like i should have more by now. like i’m going to struggle forever. the stuff i’m buying now won’t matter in a few days, but that anxiety is always going to be over my head. i need a career change. i know that. i keep forgetting that pete gave me money for college, so my “i dnt want to be in debt” excuse is a lie. i keep telling people i’m considering going to college again but i know i never will bc i haven’t actually gotten any better at managing my time and being disciplined. i think i’m better at pretending i am, but i’m not. even if i seriously wanted to, i wouldn’t be motivated enough to actually take the steps required to re-enroll. it’s all too overwhelming. i feel like that feeling alone is a sign i’d fail.

xxiv. I’ve been saying this thing to myself a lot lately to self-soothe: “god’s in his heaven” and i dnt rly know what I mean by that. i dnt know if i believe in stuff like that, I dnt have any reason to believe that there’s any kind of order or force that presides over anything. is that what I’m talking abt? we’re all preoccupied w our own things, attending to our own futures, making our own peace to the best of our abilities? maybe? am i saying that we’ve all been abandoned, ignored? then why do I find it comforting? i dnt think my inner monologue makes a lot of sense, but i only ever talk to myself these days. maybe I’m talking abt myself in an idealized way, but I look back on the past 24 hours and see my good mood i woke up w descend, the 900 calories I’ve consumed today, the $24 I’ve made, the singular text thread I have w ian, the nothing I’ve done in the handful of hours I’ve been home, the three empty beer cans. i know i’m constantly in my own head, constantly picking myself apart, picking everything else apart. it accomplishes nothing. it’s useless self-flagellation. i’m constantly raking myself over the coals for shit that doesn’t matter, constantly agonizing over situations that aren’t actually that deep. i think that’s a way in which i lie to myself. i spend all day beating myself up over the inconsequential while never giving due attention to my actual flaws. even if i was, saying that i’m useless and stupid all the time still does nothing. it’s abt meaningful action, and i’m so bad at that, and i’m doing this exact thing again. i think i do it so i have something to point to, to say “i’m working on myself” when i’m jst being mean and self-righteous abt it. where has it gotten me? what do i want from it? do i think i can bully myself into change? do i rly think it will make me do anything other than resign to complacency? 24 hours, and a lot has happened, but i’ve still gotten nothing done. another will pass, and nothing will change. then enough days will pass, and i’ll notice everything is different, and i’ll still feel jst as stuck. i will be meaner to myself abt it. and that’s what i’ll do. over and over, until the end of time. Evan jst got home. he said something abt how sad i looked. he asked me what was wrong. i wish i had the guts to say any of it to anyone’s face, let alone his. it’s fine, it’s fine, i tell him, God’s in his heaven. whatever it is i actually mean by that.

[maribelsawyer]

- ̗̀ * ( ella purnell + cisfemale + she/her ) have you seen ( maribel sawyer ) walking around campus ? they are a ( nineteen ) year old, studying ( journalism ). we hear they are in ( delta gamma chi ), and can be ( benevolent & impressionable ), maybe it’s because they are a ( gemini ). they sort of remind us of ( scraped knees , magnifying glasses , vintage oxfords ), maybe we can find out more ! *  ̖́-  + newspaper writer

god okay looks like i’ve fallen in love w ella purnell and i want to b her. anyways maribel is my newest baby n im sorta making her up as i go so pls bare w me lmao

TW: eating disorder mentions, subtle abuse?

{she is not currently in that mindset ^}

gen. info

full name: maribel ottoline sawyer

nickname(s): mari, bell, lottie b/c middle name, etc. etc. just sawyer sometimes idk

b.o.d. - june 1st, 19 yrs old

label(s): the marionette, the demure, the prevaricator, etc. etc.

height: like 5′3″ prolly tbh

hometown: duluth, minnesota

sexuality: shit she don’t know

bio. info

her dad’s in the air force, her mom’s published three diet cookbooks and two different DVDs--maribel is the only middle child

one of those conservative, all american families, they were strict and definitely made it known that they were parents and not friends by any means

9pm curfew, not leaving the dining room until all ur food is gone, grounded if ur grades were below their expectations, etc. etc. 

her older sister can evoke emotions in others thru her acting like no other. has taken the hearts (and leads) of all her acting directors since childhood. her voice is broadway material.

and her older brother? has been the best linebacker on any high school team he’s joined; hopes to make it to the big leagues. but if he doesn’t? he’s been taking college-level classes since he was a sophomore.

and...maribel?

maribel is...just, maribel.

for the longest time, there was nothing special about maribel

she couldn’t sing, or dance, or compose words in pretty prose

her grades were only satisfactory after hrs n hrs of studying everyday

homegirl can’t even cook w/o smth exploding

in short, maribel has never been good at anything. can’t draw within the lines, can’t follow the line, opens her mouth at the wrong time. etc. etc. shit? rough.

ANYWAYS

her family moves around a lot b/c of her dad, so she’s never really been in one place long enough to really prove herself? always been the quiet girl in class while her siblings brought home gold stars everyday

the kinda girl others would sorta push around n bully a lil bit bc she would never know what to say; prolly just cried a lot tbh

grew up w a lot of insecurities b/c of this

definitely doesnt help that her mother is obsessed w beauty n fitness n like

their mother p much forced her lifestyle onto her children, mari has a rough relationship w food b/c of it

ANYWAYS part 2

grew up always in the shadows of her siblings and their accomplishments, and spent a lot of her time tryn find something to be good at just so somebody could give her a stamp of approval

was always the ~wannabe~, the girl who would just endlessly suck up to the most popular girl she could find and try to mimic her to the best of mari’s abilities, just so she could survive her school experience

by the time mari was a freshmen in high school, her parents had divorced and she finally thought she could have a normal school experience and make something for herself

obv not. her mother shipped her off to a boarding school in nevada and that was it; her sister had already graduated and her brother was still in middle school.

it was finally just mari.

of course like she tried to suck up to others but it wasn’t really helpful, everybody was a lil too boujie for her and she always froze up when she tried to speak to the ~popular kids~

they only rly spoke to her b/c she’s got this knack for forging shit, like i dont think she even has her own handwriting; she always copies other people’S b/c she’s just. so used to tryn to mimic others n be them as much as possible

around this time she found herself fucking around in her computer class more often than not; it’d been the only elective left b/c she arrived in the middle of the year

but she surprisingly enjoyed it, like, a lot

her parents never really allowed much computer use b/c like. rots ur brain or whatever.

got into programming, but when she found out that u could ? hack shit ? kinda peaked her interest.

her shift into programming to hacking was subtle but before she knew it, she was fucking around on websites for the fun of it. never anything severe

computers became her friends, y’know

that was until her sophomore year and there was another loser fucking around on the computers during lunchtime

and like...they just started kinda talking, y’know? became friends, prolly mari’s first legitimate friend in...forever, really

the kid was kinda weird but she didn’t mind b/c fuck, mari couldn’t be picky n she didn’t mind weird

like...they were obsessed w conspiracies n mysteries n shit

it started to rub off on mari too, b/c homegirl is an idiot but. an observant idiot.

so she started getting reeeally into mysteries and shit. started acting like a mini investigator w/ her pal; solving stupid things like ‘who wrote ‘mindy is a whore’ in the bathroom stall’ and ‘does mr. roberts have a secret obsession w kpop’

no mindy is not a whore it was slander

yes mr. roberts is into kpop

ANYWAYS part 3

so they were these nancy drew, scooby doo, veronica mars knock off duo

by junior yr her partner started getting into like. drinking and minor drugs and other things that the other boarding school kids were smuggling in, y’know. 

this meant that mari was getting into that shit too, y’know. cant stay innocent forever.

became a lil bit of a pothead lmao

so like now theyre just stoners who go around solving shit and prolly also stirring shit up for the hell of it

so like . . . . . one night they were doin’ their thing, right? and her partner brings up this...completely wild idea

they live in nevada. y’kno what else is in nevada?

area 51

these fucking idiots want to go break into this fucking. air force base. to find area 51.

guess what they did?

they attempted to break into the air force base. like. of course they tried.

they failed like, super miserably, got arrested for trespassing and had to be bailed out of the county jail by their parents

her dad almost lost his job so he was mcfuckin PISSED esp once they figured out she was high as shit

her partner? disappeared. nobody knows where they went.

mari was moved from the boarding school to a public school closer to where her mother could, begrudgingly, keep an eye on her

kinda spent the rest of her high school career p miserable, she gave up on her whole ~detective~ thing and resorted to making fake IDs for her fellow high schoolers

was drug-tested like every week or so, too

around this time her mental health and relationship w food got worse, she barely made it to graduation. took a gap year to recover, worked a buncha jobs but usually gets fired from them b/c she’s really fucking bad like most things besides her two (2) unconventional talents that are decidedly useless

came to ucla b/c her mother p much made her, her mother’s a legacy and that’s about the only reason why she got into delta gamma chi

doesn’t want ppl to know she was a loser and also like . fucked up her dad’s life a lil, b/c it was def a thing that made the news and the only reason why her name wasn’t in the articles was b/c she was a minor at the time

so she like...lies abt her childhood a lot

tells a lotta lil white lies b/c she just. doesn’t wanna b her

uuuhh wanted to do computer science bc she loves it but her parents were both like ‘lmao we’re not paying for shit if u do that’ bc they don’t think it’s very ~ladylike~ n they still want her to like. just be submissive and obedient n shit.

so she took up journalism b/c neither her parents think it’s like a real career and they just want her to find a husband n get married n settle down n stop being troublesome

fun fact: she has a scholarship for being lefthanded so that pays for Some of it esp b/c she’s an out of state student

still struggles a lil bit w food but she’s like. doing a lot better. goes to group therapy, probably

uuuh that’s it for now i think ??

OH SIKE !! she’s a writer for the newspaper and writes ADVICE columns on various topics b/c she’s good at offering advice but only when she can sit down n think abt it lmao

^^she goes by an alias b/c she just. doesnt want ppl to know its her idk she thinks its embarrassing

other than that she’s probably like ... doing campus tech support b/c that’s her current job but who knows how long that’ll last lmao

knowing her she’s going to accidentally switch into her phone sex voice (another, old job she doesn’t do anymore) n get fired for tryn seduce a man with ‘did u try turning it on and off again?’

OKAY i think that’s all lmao

personality

mari is just. awkward, man

i mean like...she’s sorta bad at talking to others a lot of the time??

like ppl r kinda like ‘how tf r u a delta gamma chi girl’ n she’s just like i mean u  h h h h 

prolly stutters a lil bit b/c she’s usually rly anxious

but she’s v v nice, like, she tries her hardest to be a good friend n everything

but she also kinda switches her personality to appeal to whoever she’s talking too ?? like she wants to be. likable. she’s not real w/ others v v often

if ur boujie yeah she’ll pretend to be boujie too

she prolly still sells fake IDs to high schoolers n some of her college peers, she has one herself n hasn’t gotten caught yet sooo

always fidgets like she can’t rly sit still often b/c she’s so nervous

is a lil bit of a stoner but i feel like u can’t ever tell tbh

a lil shy n hesitant at first i’d imagine, or maybe just always lmao

has a bit more of a personality once she sucks it up n gets closer to u but she’s always v v cautious abt befriending ppl just b/c she’s had a bad time w bullies n her one friend in life disappeared so like...bummer, y’kno?

can never say no. like, i dont think it’s in her vocabulary. she’s a yes gal.

will p much do anything u ask of her b/c she’s constantly seeking approval

can ramble a bit when she’s nervous which is always but she also apologizes like a lot.

squeaks like a mouse

present at parties but it’s always kinda like. who r u. n she has to remind everybody that she’s a sorority gal too

considers herself v v forgettable, like, just v unimportant

like she’s just rly insecure

still does computer shit n is still rly good at it but she hasn’t done anything srs w/ it so it’s just wasted potential

going to use her journalism degree to do investigative journalism and maybe escape her parents, eventually

she just. bends easily to other’s wills, y’know? she’s hashtag soft

even tho she’s like. shy n awkward n shit it doesn’t take a lot for her to like, laugh, or smile

like she tries rly hard to appear happy n an optimist n just like. unfettered

a lil plain jane we stan

i cant think of anything else but she’s. she’s a good kid

OH she’s rly good w numbers n math but like that’s abt it. she’s a whole dumbass on everything else sometimes

is bad w talking n giving advice like in person but like ?? in her column or ovr text or smth ? she’s good. she’s concise.

is a good team player/good w/ projects/etc. etc.

OH OKAY YEAH

she’s rly observant n b/c she’s a lil bit of a compulsive liar she can usually tell when ppl arent honest

depending on how close y’all r she’ll prolly crack down on ur bullshit

but she’s also timid so like who knows tbh

this isn’t a personality trait but she wears like medium hoop earrings all the time n it’s cute ok bye

OK OK LAST THING

she’s so. fucking. clumsy. she will bump into everything. she’ll bump into the air. fuck, she prolly falls over just standing straight. usually has bruises n scratches from just being a clumsy idiot

like she can b a lil ditzy y’know ?? doesn’t have much common sense, sometimes, n can b naive but idk it’s all rly dependent on her n who she’s w n just. how i end up playing her lmao

lovs vintage. is cute.

wanted connections

her roommate uwu

ppl she’s interacted w/ during her childhood !! she’s moved around a lot so like . . . . they could kno each other

mmm sorority sisters

um gimme a ride or die or like a best friend or smth PLS she needs more friends

just more friends in general. she’s awkward but she needs ‘em

?? a one night stand ?? she’s not really . . . known for hooking up w/ ppl but i think an accidental occurrence would b fun!

idk somebody for her to just. crush on from afar. prolly stutters whenever they come near or talk to her or smth

^^i mean like an unrequited crush

SOMEBODY USE HER ! RUIN HER !

FRIENDS OR FUCKING OR WHATEVER

fake friends too! use her for her ~kewl skillz~

bad influence

let her b a good influence

some kinda...skinny love idk what that means. a will they wont they. smth cute. smth pure

it’d be wild if her partner just popped up outta the blue like that b/c mari 100% thinks they were like killed by the government

ppl she gets high w n talk abt conspiracies w/ tbh

ppl she gives or has given advice to w her column pieces ! love it

idk partners in a class

enemies or smth. i want conflict.

a tutor for her dumbass

but also anybody who needs help in math? she can tutor u

idk like this we can work a lil smth smth out

i give u one penny, if u plot w me. pls. i am poor.

[lylabnt]

hello hello i’m moose (she/her) comin at u from cst. i’m 20, a piece of shit, and idk what i’m doing with my life !! just tryna have a good time without having to worry abt school but that bitch is coming. anywayyyy this is lyla, i’ll have some info about her under the cut !! i want to plot w everyone so pls.....HMU or LIKE THIS and i’ll come to you !! u can also catch her pinterest board HERE if u wanna check it out !! it’s got some semi-nsfw content as well as a lil blood and knives !!

there are mentions of miscarriage, abortion, alcohol & drug addiction, abuse, sexual assault, violence, drug use, overdose, death, and sex work. it’s a lot i’m so sorry y’all. if i missed something pls let me know !! i’ll also put lil warnings before i mention them just to be safe. 

「 ELLE FANNING 」—  have you heard from 「 LYLA BENNETT 」 lately? the 「 NINETEEN 」 year old has been living in greystone for 「 TWO YEARS 」, and 「 SHE’S 」 known as 「 THE AMARANTH 」. i heard that they identify as 「 BISEXUAL 」 and 「 CISGENDERED 」. if you ask anyone around town, they’d say 「 LYLA 」 reminds them of 「ALL GLITTER EVERYTHING, MENTAL BREAKDOWN HAIRCUTS AT 3AM & HELLO KITTY BAND-AIDS ON SCRAPED KNEES 」. they live in 「 BELLA RIDGE APARTMENTS 」, currently 「 DOESN’T ATTEND SCHOOL 」, and 「 works FULL-TIME 」 at 「 MASQUERADE 」. a fact about them that not many people know is 「 SHE CHANGED HER NAME TO AID IN HER ESCAPE FROM HER FAMILY 」.

okay so!!! my baby lyla is kind of a sad story but man is she a fighteR

she was born elizabeth hopkins in a small town in georgia. lil lizzie always tried her best to be a happy go lucky kid but she the hand she was dealt wasn’t all that great. she grew up on the shitty side of a trailer park with a mother that didn’t want her and quite frankly it was a miracle she was even born, let alone as perfectly healthy as she was

tw: alcoholism & drug addiction & miscarriage & abortion !! her mother was a drug addict & an alcoholic. her daughter definitely wasn’t her first (or her last) pregnancy, but she was the only one that didn’t end in fetal death or termination.

her father was her mother’s drug dealer and was entirely absent, more of a sperm donor than anything else. she likely has a ton of other siblings running around that she doesn’t know about tbh.

anyway. she learned pretty quickly as a kid how to take care of herself and how harsh the world was. she got herself up and got to school on her own, cooked her own meals, washed her own clothes, did everything on her own while her mother went on week long benders and disappeared for days at a time.

tw: abuse & sexual assault & violence !! her mom was also quite abusive and this only got worse as she grew older. it wasn’t rare for any of her mother’s various and seemingly random boyfriends to look her way and obviously she hated it. she didn’t like them flirting with her and saying suggestive things to her. she just wanted to be left alone and kept out of her mother’s life. but skeevy boyfriends and jealous mother’s don’t mix and lizzie’s mom would accuse her of flirting back or trying to steal her man or whatever it was that particular day and she’d go to bed that night with a black eye or a busted lip. she was sixteen when her mother’s current boyfriend took something that didn’t belong to him. it was the first and the last time she let a man lay their hands on her without her consent. the next time he tried, she stabbed him through the hand, went on the run, and never looked back.

she left everything behind except the clothes on her back and what little money she had saved up, went to her best friend’s place, and the two took off in his pickup truck without a word to anyone. she never told him (or anyone else) for that matter what happened, but the two had been planning their escape for years, waiting for the right moment to take the leap.

they both changed their names, leaving their old identities and their pasts behind them. elizabeth hopkins didn’t exist anymore. she was lyla bennett and her companion, elliott o’connell. they traveled until they ran out of gas, taking whatever shitty jobs they could find in whatever city they ended up, staying in motels or sleeping in the truck when they needed cash. they both did things they weren’t proud of and relied on the kindness of strangers to get them by. their nomadic lifestyle was not glamorous. they would go for days without eating, a week without a shower, doing anything they could just to scrape by. 

tw: cocaine use & heroin use & overdose & death !! it wasn’t long before they found themselves in bad company. wolves dressed as sheep bet a club heard their story offered them a place to stay as long as they liked. the offer was eventually accepted and after months on the move they finally had a real bed to sleep in and real food to eat. but soon enough sleeping turned into parties that lasted all night and breakfast turned into a couple of snorted lines or a shot of heroin. a few months later lyla awoke after a party to find her best friend and life companion cold and lifeless next to her, a little too much of a deadly cocktail doing him in

before she even had time to let it sink it, she was out the door with all of the money she could gather, never to be seen or heard from again.

she eventually found herself greystone, a little over a year after she kissed the trailer park goodbye. she stayed in a motel until she could get herself on her feet, picking up odd jobs here and there until she got a job working as a dancer at masquerade at the age of 17 (although every piece of i.d. she owned said otherwise) with the stage name honey.

tw: sex work !! now at 19 years old, she finally has a real place to herself. and her roommate, but at least it’s a place she can finally call home. she’s a sex worker on the side as well, just to bring in extra cash to help her make rent and have food on the table.

okaY i think that’s it for her bg ?? it’s....a lot im sorrY but i will talk a bit abt her personality now bc.....i gotta.

she is v soft-spoken and honestly a lil mysterious ?? like....she’s a quiet girl n rarely speaks unless spoken to basically. and even then she doesn’t talk much

her label is the amaranth which basically means she is someone who isn’t very easily forgotten. she’s got this v magnetic way about her and she can be quite charming when she wants to be

she is soft, don’t get me wrong. she’s sensitive and sometimes she just needs to cry but don’t mistake her kindness and her generosity for weakness. she’s been used and taken advantage of too many times. she’s been thru too much to left people walk all over her now. she’s capable of pretty terrible things if that’s what she has to do to survive. don’t think she won’t snap just because she’s soft. 

she’s quite dreamy. always in her head & never really seems to be paying attention. she’s always somewhere else in her mind where things r quiet and everything is peaceful and perfect.

clumsy af but also graceful ?? she was so luckily given free ballet lessons as a child which she used as an excuse to get away from home so when she’s dancing she’s a graceful bih and she’s rly always wanted to be a ballet dancer but just in real life ?? catch her trippin over herself and scraping her knees on the daily. always has random bruises she cant remember getting

very girly. wears a lot of pink all the time & loves anything sparkly or glittery or fluffy or anything girly and cute basically. 

tw: cocaine addiction !! she also has many addictions. cigarettes & nicotine being one, candy & sweets being another, and cocaine being the last. also disney movies tbh

she never rly got the chance to be a kid so she;s like....kind of catching up on that now while she feels free & safe

idk waht else to say this is trash and i rambled the whole time im sorRY but plot with me pls i luv u all already 

my wanted connections are honestly open ?? idK i’m bad at thinking stuff up so y’all let me know if any ideas jump out at u or let’s brainstorm something dope ok lets d O IT

[hunbomb]

dating yuta!!

yALL READY FOR THIS

also thank you @that-little-asian for helping me w trying to find ideas

and @jaeminnana for trying to help w my master list (even tho it still doesn’t work rip) 

3/? for the nct dating series

————

- oK ofc i always gotta start off on how y'all start dating

- aight so you and yuta are on this co ed rep soccer team (also knows as the best)

- and y'all r both the best on the team

- so u guys are always competing for the #1 spot

- its pretty serious lmao

- “iM BETTER”

- “NO U AINT IM BETTER”

- “BUT YOURE SHORT”

- “what the fuck does that have to do wi- you know what? never mind” - you

- YOU GUYS EVEN COMPETE ON WHO CAN SHOW UP AT PRACTICE FIRST

- secretly though, yuta has the biggest crush on you 

- same w you

- y'all r good at hiding your feelings tho

- yuta didn’t really interact with you outside of soccer he wanted to tho

- you guys have 0 classes together 

- bUT ITS FINE CAUSE SOCCER TAKES UP LIKE EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK BEFORE SCHOOL AND AFTER

- anyway back onto the story

- so yuta goes to his friends (the other guys on the team) and you go to your friends (the girls on the team)

- “gUYS I LIKE YUTA”

- “gUYS I LIKE Y/N”

- “WE KNEW IT” - everyone

- so they devise a plan to get you guys together (without y'all knowing cause ur blinded by love)

- so during the next practice, jaehyun “accidentally” bodychecks yuta who falls onto of you

- his arms are on either side of your head and his legs are in between yours

- BOTH OF YOUR FACES ARE SO RED

- your heart bbbeats

- “,,,,,you can uh-like- get up now” - you

- “SHIT SORRY”

-  both of ur faces r so red

- he just awkwardly helps you up and you guys have moment

- like y'all r staring into each others eyes

- what u didn’t know though is that the rest of the team filmed it

- even the coach was in on it cause everyone ships u two

- time skip

- after that moment, y'all stopped bickering

- now its shAMELSS FLIRTING

- “hey bbygirl ;)” - nakamoto yuta

- ITS EVEN WORSE THAN UR FIGHTS

- YALL ARENT EVEN DATING STILL

- but that changed on one very special day

- aka the day he asked you to prom

- aka the best day of your life

- HE MISSED A SOCCER PRACTICE TO DECORATE YOUR LOCKER

- with like hearts n memes

- and when u opened it, it says “go to prom w me loser”

- YOU ALMOST CRIED

- THEN YOU TUrnED AROUND AND YUTA HAD FLOWERS AnD IS CHEEKILY SMILING AT YIU DSHDSKSHBC HOW COULD YOU NOT ACCEPT

- ok so now y'all r technically dating

- and when he goes to your house to pick u up he had to do a double take

-you!!were!!gorg!!

- you almost fell down the stairs lmaoaoao

- cause he was so handsome (not like he isn’t everyday though)

- he gives like the best kisses

- THE BEST KISSES

- not to rough, but not too slow ya feel

- and he is so caring for you

- like he always asks in between periods how you’re feeling and ugh goals

- once a guy from another school tried to hit on u during a tournament

- yUTA LoST IT

- “hey you. this girl is my girl friend so if you bippity back the fuck off that’d be great” 

- that was just quick sample

- all the girls love him and can’t get over the fact that he’s taken

- the always hug him and cling onto him and he’s like 

- “ewwwww’

- cause the only one doing that should be you

- he accidentally tripped u during practice one day

- “omg baby r u ok?!’

- “do you want me to carry you babe?

- sO NICEE

- yo but he is so cocky and shit sometimes

- like he doesnt even try to tone down his flirting w u

- “those shorts look good, but they’d look even better in the storage room floor ;)))” - yuta

- u aint gonna disagree w that

- cause sexy time with yuta is the best time

- its either super rough n hot or sweet n caring there is no in between

- you’re not complaining though

- y'all r still competitive w soccer though

- “bAbe get out of my way”

- “nah babe i got this”

- “gET OUT OF THE WAY”

- “BUT IM BETTER THAN YOU”

- “SHUT THE FUCK UP” - everyone

- its the hard knock life for u guys

- his lock screen is a photo of you after a soccer game with the first place medal

- you just looked so good

- you had like a loose ponytail, a flushed face, and a smile so big it would rival his “healing smile”

- yours is the same (him with the first place medal, a flushed face, big smile) cause y'all r like that

- this girl once tried to steal him away from you

- HAHAHAH SHE’S DUMB

- he literally told her “stop trying to be hot, you’re not y/n’

- she cried and ran away

- lol 00ps

- YUTA LOVES HOLDING YOUR HAND

- “yours first perfectly with mine”- him

- “bitch no ur hands r sweaty” - you

- you guys are both so petty,,,,,,people wonder how u can stand eachother

- LMAO HE LOVES YOU THOUGH

- when!he!first!said!i!ove!you!

- cutest thing ever

- it was your 500 day anniversary 

- and he came to practice w a bunch of flowers and gave u the biggest hug

- he spun u around and was like

- “god i love you so much”

- you almost peed ur pants

- the coach almost peed their pants

- the team almost peed their pants

- the school almost peed their pants

- ANYWAY

- your first date was a mess though lol

- he set up this picnic and EVERYTHING IT WAS SO SWEET

- bUT NOPE

- HE TRIPPED OVER HIS OWN FEET AND DROPPED THE BASKET CONTAINING ALL THE FOOD

- then it rolled down a hill and was never to be seen again

- “jfc yuta”- everyone including himself

- bUT YALL WENT OUT FOR SUSHI AND IT WAS A GR9 EXPERIENCE 

- in conclusion

- yuta is a babe and everyone should love him

- he deserves everything and all the love in the world

- osaka prince <3

————–

THANK YOU GUYS FOR READING! I APPRECIATE IT SM :)

by the way i know my master list is rly messed up, I’ve been trying to fix it for like 2 hours but its not working :( 

ALSO I MAY MAKE A FANFIC BASED ON THIS PLOT!!! STAY TUNED :)))

- emma

[moritzstiefelwiki]

Yooo for the detailed headcanon meme would u mind doing like... all the ones ure able to for Hanschen? Like feel free to skip as many as u want but itd be cool to hear ur thoughts on my Best Boy

Um? Little Hansy Rilow? Jackass Extraordinaire? Love of my life? Ofc I’ll do as many as I can!! Thanks so much for sending these! I hope you like them and I’m sorry they took me so long! (Also I answered these out of order and towards the end I was running a bit low on steam so there are some answers that are Not So Good mixed in there, sorry)

Under the cut or on Ao3 here :) 

1. What does their bedroom look like?

I think for the most part it would be tidy. Bed made, desk (mostly) clear, etc. He’s got some laundry on the floor, a couple of books lying about, and his jacket as well as his school things are never put away but everything else is in it’s place. 

His desk is by the window so he can make good use of natural light and It’s usually got assignments for school on it as well as whatever books might go along with them when he’s not using it. 

He keeps a small collection of books in his room- his favourites. Whatever he’s currently reading is kept on his bedside table and everything else is stacked by his desk but they should be on the shelf in the living room. 

He’s a nerd.

2. Do they have any daily rituals?

 I don’t think he would, not outside what he needs to do (school). Not unless you count him monologuing while he masturbates as a ritual, I have a feeling that’s a daily thing. 

3. Do they exercise, and if so, what do they do? How often?

 He does not, he would much rather lounge somewhere comfy with something he finds enjoyable. A book, a person, a puzzle, etc. 

4. What would they do if they needed to make dinner but the kitchen was busy?

I can see him being like “Everybody, get out of my way” (This is meant to be read in John Mulaney’s voice from the thing where he followed this with something like “I’m just here to feed my birds”) but I can also see him just clearing enough space for himself and getting to work. I guess it depends on who’s in the kitchen making what and what he’s going to be making. He’s not going to be interrupting someone that’s making cake or pastries just so he can cut vegetables in peace. 

5. Cleanliness habits (personal, workspace, etc.)

His parents/governess were somewhat strict about cleanliness when he was a child so he makes an effort to keep himself well groomed, especially when adults are present. No dirt under his fingernails, his clothes and hair are neat etc. He’s less concerned about it when he’s with the other boys and even less when he’s relaxing, either by himself or with Ernst, but he still somewhat pays attention to how much dirt he’s getting on himself or how much work it will take him to make himself look properly presentable before he finds himself around adults again. 

I think I got into workspace okay with his bedroom? He’s mostly tidy because he has to be, any disorder in his room can easily be taken care of. 

6. Eating habits and sample daily menu

I think he would love sweet things (candy, fruit, berries, etc) and he’s always a slut for baked goods. I have no idea what kind of things ppl usually ate in 1890′s Germany. 

7. Favorite way to waste time and feelings surrounding wasting time

He only really considers time wasted if he’s not spending it on something he likes to do or needs to do. So he has no favourite way to waste time, he only feels as though he’s wasting time if he’s bored out of his mind for no good reason. 

8. Favorite indulgence and feelings surrounding indulging

Ernst. It really isn’t safe for him to be smooshing booties in a vineyard with another boy but? He’s doing it. And being all poetic about it too ofc, he really likes Ernst. 

If he can indulge he will, he loves it. Life’s too short to deny himself pleasure, so long as said pleasure doesn’t harm him and/or get in the way of him becoming a millionaire.  

9. Makeup?

None. I can see him maybe trying, or at least wanting to try makeup at some point? Never with anyone around or if there was a chance of someone catching him though. (I’m a sucker for boys in makeup tho and I think modern Hanschen would enjoy makeup. If u want to hear a bit more abt that u know how 2 contact me)

10. Neuroses? Do they recognize them as such?

Neurotypical Hans™

11. Intellectual pursuits?

Literature and languages. He loves reading, loves diving into a book and analyzing characters, plot, symbolism, all of it. He loves talking about them as well, he could talk for hours about his favourites. He’s fascinated by other languages and speaks a handful rather fluently as an adult. He probably also enjoys reading the same book but translated into different languages because no translation is exact and it’s always interesting to see a slightly different take on things. 

I can also see him having interest in biology? Because science is fascinating and it’s amazing how diverse and intricately designed living things can be. 

12. Favorite book genre?

He talks about the books he likes when he’s jerking off so I don’t think I really need to get into that lmao 

13. Sexual Orientation? And, regardless of own orientation, thoughts on sexual orientation in general?

Multisexual. Bi/pan/ply/whatever. A pretty person is a pretty person & all that.

I think he might see the idea of sexual orientation as a little silly or perhaps performative? He understands that he’s expected to only like women and knows that once he’s older he’ll be expected to marry one, to have children etc etc. So for the most part he keeps his attraction to men to himself (Ernst being a very obvious exception, likely not the only one but it’s not something he would ever reveal lightly) and he thinks that most people are doing the same in order to avoid being judged negatively by their community.

Something along the lines of “everyone is only acting like they’re exclusively attracted to the opposite sex because it’s what’s seen as normal. They don’t want everyone else to point fingers at them calling them sinners and sexual deviants and condemning them to hell so they deny themselves half the beauty the world has to offer. For this same reason, they’re quick to attack anyone around them who might be revealed as queer. They’re so focused on keeping their own secret safe that they never realize everyone around them is keeping exactly the same one.”  

14. Physical abnormalities? (Both visible and not, including injuries/disabilities, long-term illnesses, food-intolerances, etc.)

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

15. Biggest and smallest short term goal?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

16. Biggest and smallest long term goal?

Biggest: “When I am amillionaire”Smallest: I don’t think he has any small goals tbh ? 

17. Preferred mode of dress and rituals surrounding dress

I’m not rly sure what this one’s asking tbh?? He likes looking nice tho.

18. Favorite beverage?

Hot chocolate 

19. What do they think about before falling asleep at night?

Have you prayed tonight, Desdemona?

(I think a recurring theme would be his future- what he wants, what he can get, how he can get it etc.)

20. Childhood illnesses? Any interesting stories behind them?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

21. Turn-ons? Turn-offs?

I’m stickin 2 sex ones bc otherwise it’s Too Vague and stresses me tf out tbh

Turn-ons: hair pulling, necking (he loves hickies but he’s strict about not having any that might be visible), being straddled, nice thighs, a good ass, little gasps and moans, begging

Turn-offs: bad kissing, poor hygiene, not listening to/paying attention to his feedback, going too fast (Mr. “half-closed eyes, half-open mouths, and turkish draperies” would Def love foreplay and teasing,, trying to skip right over it is? A no.)

22. Given a blank piece of paper, a pencil, and nothing to do, what would happen?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

23. How organized are they? How does this organization/disorganization manifest in their everyday life?

See 1  

24. Is there one subject of study that they excel at? Or do they even care about intellectual pursuits at all?

See 11 (he’s pretty good at everything tho)

25. How do they see themselves 5 years from today?

Long dead because it’s 2017, but 5 years from the show he probably sees himself in university. 

26. Do they have any plans for the future? Any contingency plans if things don’t workout?

I don’t know what his plans would be but I’m sure he’s got some cushy career in mind that he wants to work towards. He’s a Rilow, he doesn’t need a backup plan. 

27. What is their biggest regret?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

28. Who do they see as their best friend? Their worst enemy?

Ernst. His worst enemy is probably whoever is second in the class rankings, if you go by the play. Melchior in the musical. Little Hans is In It To Win It. 

29. Reaction to sudden extrapersonal disaster (eg The house is on fire! What do they do?)

His brain shuts down for a minute and then he realizes that yes, this is happening and oh dear god I need to get out of here. He tries (and fails) to give the impression that he is calm, cool, and collected but he’s doing pretty good for someone who is screaming internally as loudly as he is.    

30. Reaction to sudden intrapersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies)

He just keeps going. He tries to act like everything is fine, to show that he’s strong. The second he’s alone he deflates. He’s depressed af but does everything he can to hide it. 

31. Most prized possession?

I’m not sure what exactly, but it’s something fancy and adult that makes him feel sophisticated. He won’t admit how much he loves it though. 

32. Thoughts on material possessions in general?

👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

33. Concept of home and family?

He thinks of it as faintly ridiculous. 

“Why are these people somehow more important than others simply because you share blood? Shouldn’t the value of your relationship with someone have more to do with how well you get along and care for each other? What’s the point of marriage, you put on a show so you can have children as you’re expected to and this absurd cycle repeats with your children and so on.”

34. Thoughts on privacy? (Are they a private person, or are they prone to ‘TMI’?)

He greatly values his privacy, he usually only shares exactly as much information as is necessary. Unless he trusts you, in which case he doesn’t s hut the fu ck u p 

35. What activities do they enjoy, but consider to be a waste of time?

See 7

36. What makes them feel guilty?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

37. Are they more analytical or more emotional in their decision-making?

Analytical for the most part. He knows what he wants out of life and  what he needs to do to put him on the path to getting it. I feel like he operates with a mindset a bit like “people can leave you but things are forever” and so he’s pretty okay with making decisions that hurt people (himself included) if it will benefit him financially, academically, raise his social status etc. 

38. Would they consider themselves a Type A or Type B personality?

A? I don’t know tbh, my knowledge about this is limited to the 30 seconds I spent skimming the wiki article   

39. What recharges them when they’re feeling drained?

Peace and quiet, being alone. Bonus points if he’s somewhere pretty and/or rly comfortable.  

40. Would you say that they have a superiority-complex? Inferiority-complex? Neither?

I don’t feel I know enough about either to say lmao  

41. How misanthropic are they?

He thinks people are ridiculous, h

ryan sent me a post abt dragon dicks which got me rambling abt this one furry i follow and. lowkey shattered my train of thought, I don’t remember what i was planing 2 say here and I’m too tired to start the Thought Translation Process over again lmao 

42. Hobbies?

Reading, puzzles, Ernst, calligraphy, 

43. How far did they get in formal education? What are their views on formal education vs self-education?

He completed university. The only real difference between formal education and self-education is if you have a diploma people will believe you when you say you know what you’re talking about.  

44. Religion?

He’s whatever everyone else is. I don’t what religion everyone is in the show,, I don’t know shit abt religion tbh. But he believes in god, though he’s not as devout as everyone else. 

45. Superstitions or views on the occult?

Foolish. Ridiculous. Absurd. Childish. He believes in them.

46. Do they express their thoughts through words or deeds?

Words mostly. He’s excellent with them and loves to talk and talk and talk. 

47. If they were to fall in love, who (or what) is their ideal?

Ernst, probably. I don’t doubt that Hans loves him dearly but I don’t think he’s in love.  

48. How do they express love?

He talks about milk. 

I can’t think of anything lmao

49. If this person were to get into a fist fight, what is their fighting style like?

Tbh I can’t imagine him fighting. He probably just says something that pisses someone off and then gets knocked flat on his ass. 

50. Is this person afraid of dying? Why or why not?

I don’t think so, I think he feels almost like. I don’t think invincible would be the right word, but he sees no reason to fear it at his age. Yes, Wendla and Moritz died, but he has no plans to kill himself and he can’t get pregnant so a botched abortion isn’t a threat to him. He’s in good health and he’s got his wits about him. What is there for him to be afraid of? He can worry about dying later. 

[imreszekeres]

for the anon that wanted all 100

1. Name- Ash! 2. Age- 18 3. City that you live in- fear, usually 4. What do most people not know about you?- nothing really, i compulsively release useless information about myself 5. What do most people know you for?- being fat and annoying 6. Hobbies- makeup, youtubers, sleeping, writing, drawing 7. What are your passions?- writing 8. What do you search for in a significant other?- i really Really need to be understood, and someone who is patient is nice too 7. What are you most proud of?- I hav gone to State and gotten within the top 10% in my Journalism competitions, which puts me in the top .08% of all high school students in my state. :-) im good for some things 8. When was the last time you had a significant conversation with someone you love?- every day when I talk to @pizzasteveofficial <3 all our conversations are significant 2 me 9. Have you ever collected anything? What was it?- I collect my tears in a jar and store them, then shower in them every night 10. List 10 things off of your bucket list.- I want to get married in the snow, have a daughter, get a Heartagram tattoo (at least one lol), write a successful book, and.. idk what else :0 11. What was the last thing you learned?- jesus I dont know, you learn sth new every day! hard to remember 12. How many relationships have you been in?- um.. 7 I think i feel like im forgetting one tho. I wont name them obvi but i think im forgetting one? i feel like ive been in 8 oh well 13. Turn ons- validation 14. Turn offs- being alive 15. Favorite food- frozen yogurt! I like the vanilla or white chocolate flavor with looots of toppings 16. Favorite drink- Coke 17. What is the best birthday gift you have ever received?- i dont really know! I dont remember a lot of my birthdays for trauma reasons so  18. Are you optimistic or pessimistic?- pessimistic by far lol 19. Do you sleep during class?- its happened a handful of times, I try not to bc I HATE missing work its annoying 20. What is the most expensive thing you own?- myself?? jk its my laptop 21. What is the cheapest yet most useful thing you own?- a 1 dollar ELF blending brush. yall those things are bomb please go buy some! 22. How many times a day on average do you check your phone?- that number does not exist holy shit  23. Text or call?- TEXT BLEASE I HAVE SUCH BAD HEARING 24. Opinion on long distance?- it can work! ive done it a lot of times. distance has never been whats broken a relationship for me, not directly anyway 25. What is your definition of success?- success is when you’re happy. you do not have many worries, not the kind that keep you awake at night or make your tummy sick anyway. You have people that love you and, if you died, you’d be remembered as a good bean 26. Favorite song?- right now im really diggin “Hate (I Really Dont Like You)” by the plain white Ts 27. Favorite artist?- HIM!!!!!!!!!!!! <3 28. Celebrity crush/crushes?- Ville Valo ALWAYS lmao hes my god 29. When was the last time you read for fun?- like last month 30. Favorite flower?- roses 31. What is the best gift you could receive right now?- a plane ticket to Connecticut and like 1000 dollars 32. Any guilty pleasures?- pop... music... BUT LIKE THE GOOD KIND U FEEL? I DONT LIKE STUFF FROM THE LAST 2 OR 3 YEARs...  33. What is one thing you would like to change about yourself?- my weight, and that sounds so shallow but it. is taking a toll on me. 34. What do you search for in a friend?- someone who is like me! 35. How many times have you said "I love you" in the past month?- not enough 36. Where did you last go other than your room/home?- school.. 37. Why do bad things happen to good people?- because life isnt fair 38. In your opinion, what hurts more? Being left out or being stabbed in the eye?- what the fuck being stabbed in the eye have you ever been stabbed in the fucking eye? because i havent and i can already tell you that if my friends were talking without me and then someone stabbed me in the fuCKING EYE I WOULD BE JUST A LITTLE BIT MORE PREOCCUPIED WITH BEING STABBED IN THE E Y E  39. How many green shirts do you own?- none lol 40. Do you like anime?- sure! I dont watch it rn but i dont watch anything rn, haha 41. What do you invest the most time in?- sleeping,, 42. What was the name of the last book you read?- Rebecca :3 very gud book 43. What's the difference between loving and liking someone?- when ur main squeeze gets a hair cut and u still wanna suck their dingus u love em, thats it sorry i dont make the rules 44. Where are you most productive?- i dont.. know what this is asking lol I’m most protective over my romantic partners. As much as I’d love to say im most protective over Sarah, nothing compares to how “troll guarding his treasure” i am w/my loves.......... *eyes @my crush* 45. List 3 things you enjoy doing with friends.- talking shit abt rude ppl, playing vidya gaem, and talking abt life 46. List 3 things you enjoy doing alone.- watching makeup tutorials, watching lets plays, and thinking about everything and anything 47. Do you believe world peace will ever exist?- absolutely not. theres too many people on the earth to achieve that 48. Do you have any allergies?- Not to anything specific but i get them really often seasonally. i get them pretty much every time the weather changes :( 49. When was the last time you cussed at someone?- i mean.. every day of my life so like 50. What was the last promise you made?- idek dude 51. What was your last dream about?- IT WAS SO WEIRD IT WAS ABOUT MY CRUSH’S MOM? I DREAMT THAT SHE WAS A DEMON WHO STORED HER EGGS IN LITTLE PORCELAIN JARS AND THAT MY CRUSH HAD AN EAR INFECTION AND WE WERE IN A SNOWY VILLAGE IDK DONT ASK ME its weird bc my crushs mom is so sweet... 52. If you won a trip to Hawaii and you could take 5 people with you, who would those 5 people be?- i would literally only take Sarah bc i hate everyone 53. How many countries have you visited?- ive never been outside the US 54. What is your favorite medium of art? (Music, dance, painting, etc.)- writing :-) 56. When was the last time somebody complimented you?- those nice anons i got yesterday/the other day! 56. If you switched bodies with someone, how would you recognize yourself?- what do u even mean? youd know bc youd be like THIS ISNT MY BODY 57. Do you consider yourself mature?- kind of, yes 58. How many days in your life do you think you have wasted on tumblr?- too fuckin many 59. What is your favorite quote?- “Worship Satan!” -Ville Valo (no but rly any HIM lyric is my favorite quote, theyre so beautiful,,,) 60. If you started a new religion and you had to create 3 rules or commandments for your new followers to live by, what would those 3 rules be?- dont hurt ppl unless they hurt u, dont touch ppl unless they want u to, and respect gender/sexuality 61. What is your greatest accomplishment?- going 2 state! 62. Do you believe in the death penalty?- yeah i actually think it should b used more lol, kill all rapists and p*dophiles :-) 63. What are your goals for life?- i just wanna b happy, man 64. What do you think your soulmate is doing right now?- being a fucking idiot, probably 65. If you could live anywhere, where would you live? The place can be in an imaginary, fantasy, or the real world.- CALIFORNIA LMAO IM SUCH A SUCKER FOR CALIFORNIA AND I NEVER EVEN BEEN THERE 66. What were you like in 2013?- awful but also really sweet... then again i wasnt TECHNICALLY the host so lol  67. Do you have a job?- no :( i cant drive 68. Tell us a story about your childhood best friend.- she was an abusive bitch who took out her parents hating her on me the end 69. If you could change one thing about society, what would it be?- i would make discrimination a way more serious crime than it is taken for rn. ppl who discriminate should b put in jail 70. How many all-nighters have you pulled before?- just one when i had to install the sims and it took 6 years 71. Is tumblr your favorite website? If not, then what is your favorite website?- my fave website is youtube 72. What is the craziest thing you would do for a million dollars?- suck a dick, i guess 73. Does money equal happiness?- not all the time but it sure can 74. How many times have you experienced true happiness in your lifetime?- never, i dont think 75. How many times have you experienced true sadness in your lifetime?- too many times 76. What is the funniest joke you have ever been told?- you know that joke abt the blind man at the beginning of Crazy Rap? yeah thats fucking HILARIOUS  77. When was the last time you looked at the news?- this morn :0 78. If you could say one thing to the world, what would you say?- im gay 79. What is your favorite animal?- RACCOONS!!!!!!!!!!!! 80. If you could earn a million dollars by pretending to be dead for 3 years, would you do it?- i mean sure lmao nobody would b upset about it so 81. What is one thing that everyone is bad at?- being a human. 82. What time do you normally sleep? How many hours of sleep do you usually get?- i usually go to bed at 10 and get like 6 or 7 hours 83. Does age necessarily equal maturity?- not at all! 84. What is your favorite clothing store?- hot topic lol 85. In the winter- beanies or gloves?- gloves b 86. Would you rather have wings or a fish tail?- wings?? why would i want a fish tail 87. If you had the power to erase one person from the world so that nobody remembered him or her except you, would you do it?- absofuckinglutely.  88. What do you fear the most?- being like my rapist. thats a little too deep than i like to go but im being honest, thats literally my biggest fear Ever 89. How many digits of pi can you recite?- 3.14 lmfao i hate math 90. If you could travel back to one year and relive it again, which year would it be?- 2004. I would stop it before it happened. :-( 91. Describe yourself in one word.- stupid 92. Describe your last victory.- i woke up today w/o killin meself 93. What is the weirdest thing you have ever seen?- bendytoots cucumberpitch’s face 94. What is something you will never forget?- prom.. something rly nice happened 95. Would you rather forget all of the past or remember everything in vivid detail?- forget everything. please 96. Have you ever broken a bone before?- nope! 97. Is it harder to love or to hate somebody?- probably harder to love them lol 98. Coffee or tea?- coffer 99. What are some little things that you do that have changed your life in a positive way?- I dont overdose on a constant basis in a BPD-fueled rage any more so thats good 100. How many hours have you spend on tumblr today?- probably 1 or 2?

[seritydoll]

o lord dont get me started on the dialogue.. and how much they changed the villager personalities?? why are crankies old men??? why are peppys pop star wannabes??? why do jocks never shut up about being a jock?? why are lazy villagers so GROSS??? they never used to be like this??? 🥲🥲

literally, the villagers redeem themselves w the way they interact with things yES.. when they like.. look around at everything as they walk, and stop and turn to face the thing, and they make the ‘😯’ expression.. ITS FREAKING PERFECT. its so god damn cute.. especially when they run to the thing they wanna interact with!!!!

and SINGING oh GOD !!! i will never get over them singing!! no matter how many times my villagers sing, i will always 100000% cry over it,, its so adorable, and probably my favourite thing about the game shdhd

anyway.. good morning kennedy, im sorry for like.. ^^ all of that lol, suddenly rly needed to rant :’)

ur so correct every single thing you said is tea-im very thankful that my fav personality type has always been snooty bc imo its the most tolerable this time, they seem the most well rounded... but LAZYS hurt me so MUCH my poor babies beau and sherb wont shut up about bugs, like nooooo sherb u have the cute set furniture items theres no bugs in ur house i dont get it, and i only have a jock bc im a player who likes to have 1 of each type but theyre so irritating with their 3 lines of dialogue, thankfully merry is my peppy and she doesnt talk too much abt being a popstar so my annoyance with peppys has died down since my first 2 peppys i had on my island and i dont mind the crankys being old men as much since i kinda always got that vibe from most of them anyways

ive always seen the weird shift as them trying to group the types into age categories to sell the game better to kids and much older people, the harvest moon remake for friends of mineral town did a similar thing where they made all their datable npcs to rep different age groups so everyone who played it wouldnt be shackled into dating a 20 smth year old and like 1 30 smth like u do in most romancable games, but in the process they made a really beloved character super annoying and babyish, and that feels very similar to what happened here- like lazys are kids, peppys are tweens, jocks are teens, uchi are early to mid 20s, smug feels late 20s early 30s, snooty i cant really place but they are mature for sure def a bit older, cranky is like old dad/grandpa ofc, and normal types might be the least age defined but theyre clearly meant to be motherly. whereas in past games they were all ageless minus dobie who is drawn to specifically look old

but yeah my fav part is ive noticed that each villager has their own food they deault to or a spot they default sit at and its so heartwarming it feels like they have a schedule and routine. it makes my heart so full to see my baby diana reading with her glasses by the waterfalls or to see zell eating a doughnut beside the river infront of his house im so🥰🥰🥰 thinking about it and YES the singing theres certain ones who sing more and so when the ones who are more shy and dont sing usually do sing i like cry and ill clap for them and they get shy and i just ahhhhhh <333

anyways im replying to this a day late bc ive taken so long to get this rant out lmaoo, thank u for yelling in my askbox abt this i always welcome passionate rants- im a triple virgo please lets have heated discussions about seemingly unimportant things its my fav thing to do esp if its smth like animal crossing that ive spent a long time stanning

[attina-the-responsible]

1, 4, 8, 14, 21, 24, 28, 42, 45, 50 - All, or whoever speaks to you for each one

jesus fucking christ.

1. What’s their full name? Why was that chosen? Does it mean anything?

Belle: Belle Marie Beauton – belle bc it means “beauty” and also, tech, her mom’s name was charisse which means “grace” and she was like into a #theme. marie bc it sounded nice, is also probably maurice’s mom.

Simba: Onyango Simba Lyons – onyango bc it means “born in the morning” and simba because it means “lion/warrior”. 

Toulouse: Toulouse Henri Bonfamille – why did ber get hector’s name as his middle name and not lou? /waves hand lou was named after the artiste of course! tres bien. 

Bambi: Bambino Daryl Basurto – bambino is basically like “my little one”, it’s an affectionate italian term tho it’s also used in other parts of europe. daryl means “deer” sooo his full name lowkey translates to “little deer of the forest”

Perdita: Perdita Mariel Faye – all of perdy and her sibs are named after shakespeare characters bc her mom is #obsessed. edmund, perdita, rosaline, and ophelia. perdy was named after her mother’s first role on broadway. mariel is jewish – it is a variant of mary, which means “wished-for child/bitter” soo

Sweet: Joshua Strongbear Sweet – named joshua because his parents liked it. his middle name used to be quietcub, but after he came back from his spirit quest it became strongbear after the animal that guided him. (also look i looked up if spirit quests were still a thing in the tribe sweet comes from and they ARE so don’t @ me pls)

Maui: Maru Akalana – he doesn’t have a middle name. maru means “correct” apparently, but in the original myths of maui maru is one of the names of maui’s brothers. (or it is his name when he is human before he gets abandoned i foRGet it’s been a hot minute)

Hercules: Hercules Odysseus Persaud – herc doesn’t know where his first name came from, only that his birth mother gave it to him. he was named after two greek heroes, ofc cuz his mom is a big nerd.

Attina: Attina Morgan Triton – attina is a derivative of athena and morgan means “sea chief” or “sea defender” and since she would be in line for the “crown” so to speak, it made sense.

Akela: Akela of the Seeonee Wolf Pack – seeonee is the name taken from the area where the pack sort of officially “formed” and akela means LONELY LMFAO i just looked it up that’s hilarious.

Peach: Peach Blossom Clearwater – literally constructed her name. she just liked the idea of peach blossom–and she made her fake mom have a flower name too. and clearwater she straight up stole from harry potter.

4. What is their relationship with their parents? What’s a good and bad memory with them? Did they know both parents?

Belle: well, belle never really knew her mother and her relationship with her father is estranged.

Simba: big ole momma’s boy. he loves his mom, though their relationship is a little tense these days. loved his dad a lot, his Biggest Hero, but his dad also put a lot of pressure on him and basically brainwashed him oops.

Toulouse: loves his mummy, tho he has a deep seated resentment towards her that is just now coming to light, but general he is like #mustprotect. had an extremely contentious relationship with his father as a child, the best thing for their relationship was not living together lol. lou can tolerate his father for short periods of time and even gets along w him 90% of the time, but he has a deep seated resentment towards him too lmao

Bambi: ughhhhhhhh he loved his mommmmm his mom was his best friend they did everything together. they were never apart. esp bc he was homeschooled a good bit and he was sick. she doted on him and i cry. he is still getting to know his dad but he loves him.

Perdita: really contentious relationship w mom. she was verbally abusive and neglectful, held perdy to a hire standard than her sisters. when perdy rebels abigail just like cuts her off, punishes her in the worst ways. made comments about her weight/clothing/etc. total daddy’s girl tho, she loves her daddy.

Sweet: momma’s boy. he tends to shut her out a lot tho bc he knows things in his life would hurt her and he wants to protect her from that. didn’t really know his father but he treasures the memories he did have.

Maui: dad was verbally/physically abusive. real Macho Man–which obviously made him kind of a dick. but maui’s mom is the sweetest ugh i love kai.

Hercules: loved both his parents BUNCHES AND BUNCHES but then he found out that they lied to him for 22 years and he is still reeling from the betrayal.

Attina: athena was her best friend. she told her mom everything and wanted to be just like her when she grew up! was obviously devastated when athena died. loves her daddy, but does think he needs to chill out some.

Akela: hates them.

Peach: never knew them and never will (spoiler alert: they’re dead.)

8. Did they have pets as a child? Do they have pets as an adult? Do they like animals?

Belle: Philippe! fun fact: had another horse named Royale when she was a child, but her father sold him for cash before he left. now she has: vincent the cat, philippe, and shuck! she isn’t a huge animal fan, but she likes them well enough. doesn’t go out of her way.

Simba: his mum had a persian named guinevere growing up. she was a bitch. simba and her did not get along. esp cuz simba was a handsy child lol. he begged and begged for a dog for his entire childhood, but never had one. has two beautiful goldens now–bowie and simone– and they are his literal children. loves all animals–except cats, snakes, and spiders, those are the devil’s creatures.

Toulouse: never had a pet growing up. marie has dauphine now and he’s kinda helping coparent simone. tbh should get a dog. lou ADORES animals.

Bambi: lol

Sweet: never had pets, doesn’t have time, likes them well enough

Perdita: didn’t have any pets growing up. doesn’t really like animals they’re dirty. viola has made her change her mind somewhat.

Maui: no, no, yes.

Hercules: his mom has a cat named baset after the goddess. herc loves animals, horses esp 

Akela: lol

Attina: likes animals in the abstract sense? loves sea creatures. never had a pet as a kid. has a long list of stipulations for pet as an adult.

Peach: has never had a pet. will buy a cat probably. the cat will run away bc she’s irresponsible. she will be devastated. she loves animals, except ugly ones.

14. Do they have any specific memories of food/a restaurant/meal?

Belle: all the food she ate in bournemouth was?? so good??

Simba: ugaliiiii, it always makes him think of kenya

Toulouse: frozen grapes are his fave, he is a picky eater lowkey

Bambi: food is the bane of his existence cuz he’s allergic to EVERYTHING

Sweet: not particularly

Perdita: misses the russian tea room in NYC it was her fave brunch spot

Maui: misses the fresh fruit in hawai’i

Hercules: one of his fave thigns to do at the places he lives is eat at the local restaurants. 

Akela: eh not really

Attina: also not particularly

Peach: eh

21. Do they have a temper? Are they patient? What are they like when they do lose their temper?

Belle: yes but it is VERY hard to trigger it. and she like??? throws things or hits u if she is really mad. she’s not gonna like punch you in the face but she’ll shove or pinch. if she yells it’s all like teary and voice cracking and pathetic. 

Simba: yes–and it’s easily triggered haha. when he’s angry he gets loud. can throw something down if he is holding it (like a dish in the sink or something) but he isn’t really physical w his anger–he’s v conscious of that fact that he is like a big bloke and that could be rly scary and his anger is scary enough. but if u really piss him off his anger can be p cold.

Toulouse: cold and scathing. lou is a master of converting his anger into like the smallest space possible, which is why he’s so good at just delivering cold, cutting lines designed to just destroy you. his father had like Big Loud anger and lou refuses to be like that. 

Bambi: doesn’t really have a temper, like–at all

Perdita: screaming/yelling/throwing/hitting–throws a tantrum when she is really pissed off.

Sweet: he has a temper but it is rarely seen. he will get Loud and Angry though. but it never lasts long. he gets more annoyed than angry.

Maui: literally like?? never gets angry–too chill.

Hercules: cries. lmao. if he is angry he just cries and like “why would u do that” sniff sniff puppy eyes

Akela: cold and level-headed anger

Peach: rarely gets angry–and if she does she’ll smile to your face and then fuck you up behind your back.

24. What is their sleeping pattern like? Do they snore? What do they like to sleep on? A soft or hard mattress?

(i love sleeping questions why?)

Belle: rn it’s shit, she barely catches a few hours. when she was sleeping reguarly she gets a good 6-7 hours. doesn’t have trouble falling asleep unless she’s trying to solve a problem. has a lumpy old mattress tbh. also she does snore a lil bit but like cute snores and only when she’s sleeping really deeply. also she normally wears like ratty tees and silky or sofie pajama shorts – in the winter like sweaters and fleece pants bc she gets cold, tho not as much of a problem now lol

Simba: sleeps in the nude. can fall asleep in .5 seconds. wakes up intermittently from nightmares–usually exacerbated by stress. wakes up at sunrise naturally almost every morning. gets like 4-5 hours usually and cat naps. idk his mattress is prolly middle ground wow do u think simber argued about their mattress bc i bet ber is a wimpy soft-mattress boi

Toulouse: has a really hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep. a ridiculously light sleeper. wakes up several times in the night. has night terrors. sleeps in, but not that long most mornings. sometimes goes days without sleep if he’s having a manic episode. soft plush mattress w lots of pillows and blankets. wears silky fancy pajamas to bed bc he’s fancy (it’s my hc that he has like adorable pjs that he wears on the lowkey with like fish patterns or something ridiculous little duckies.)

Bambi: can sleep anywhere, would sleep 20+ hours a day if allowed. growing teenage boy. snores (allergies man), will sleep on any mattress. is used to an uncomf one bc his mom couldn’t rly afford a good one.

Perdita: before the babies perdy didn’t have trouble sleeping. would totally sleep in on the weekends and such. her mom would yell at her if she slept too long. now she takes naps throughout the day to survive. hard mattress, tbh. wears fancy pjs

Sweet: sleeps in boxers/t-shirt most of the time. sleeps wherever, whenever, what is a good night’s sleep? he doesn’t know.

Maui: will sleep anywhere. in any position. in any level of undress. sleeps in briefs usually. 

Akela: sleeps in the nude tbh he like barely wears clothes anyway. can sleep a decent amount of time but never for more than like 7 hours.

Peach: a princess. she actually has a lot of trouble getting to sleep but sleeps hard once she is. wears cute pjs. likes a soft mattress. lots of pillows, only one sheet thou.

28. What is their biggest fear? What in general scares them? How do they act when they’re scared?

Belle: being inadequate/being overbearing/annoying/stupid/worthless – she doesn’t get genuinely frightened that much tbh but she’s like a gasp-clutch-at-the-chest overdramatic kind of scared lol she fights through it tho

Simba: not being Good enough, in the sense of like…a good person. he also lowkey doesn’t like the dark. and he gets angry when he’s scared he confronts fear face on.

Toulouse: being pointless/irrelevant–also does not like the dark lowkey prolly sleeps w a night light lmao – he internalizes his fear, but will freeze up when confronted w something scary.

[helium45-blog1]

5AM REM 02/04/17

used voice to speech and don't rly care so bare w me----. have a beautiful day Okay so just woke up Woke up with intense closed eye visuals Pairs of different sized fractal boxes Colors similar to a one of those generic PowerPoint presentation slides Dream was fast and it was a dance Just so happens that I took ballroom dancing lessons last night, not of my own will of course The furthest part back I can remember this young kid I decided to take a beanie from me Blonde, long hair, 90s kid I noticed when my head brushed the top of a doorway we were both passing through - More like running down Anyways I said Hey man , say the top of that beanie had puzzle pieces, they were perforated and you knew they were acid! After some wrestling I got it back from him with my left hand semicolon although, none of the five pieces were left So at this point I want up somewhere else going through one of those Rubbermaid boxes, one of which Kevin as a very many of And I pulled out this on file of what I thought to be LSD 25 Upon inspecting it I was instantly worried about the quality of the container it seemed brittle Also there was an unusual label, initially it here to the inside, that was peeling off and molding Then I ask myself the question, is it still viable is it still safe Switch scenes disregarded that must have transferred into a glass vial hundreds of drops hundreds of hits But this time I've realized, wasn't LSD - 25 it was in fact Al- lad - a seemingly aggressive version more versatile more visual unless heavy on the introspection - easier to handle Remember offering it to the kids first that I was hanging out with we're in some type of dilapidated College house - one of those they don't check mold for keep the rent Spike High, could collapse at any moment yeah one of those types of houses Some younger teenager kids coming from work I said to myself no they're too old I can't be held responsible they are under 18 I move on I just tell people it's acid, I had being no need to really tell them that's a similar lysergi mide derivative I-dos many people Many people from my past and present Most of those people, as the scene shifted I kept returning to they are in a dark disco lit Amphitheater with high black seats seem to be totally ignorant caretaker or security Some of the girls writhing with pleasure but all of them were disconnected and separate from each other I thought to myself certainly can't just happen what if I poison them what do I do One of the scene shifted and I was it in the foot of an apartment where there was an old Spanish man can uncertain look in his eye I walked in dosed one of his kids He nodded in approval I moved on to his sick and ailing mother he again nodded in approval I actually spoke Spanish in this dream At least I did on the way out, but of course not before offering him a dose I held the dropper from the vile quivering over his mouth pursed his lips and gave me the expression of now he was old and from what I can gather mute I left a doorway said something intelligible in Spanish, at least I remember that's what I thought to myself time as I was leaving the doorway Scene shifted again Friend reminded me deer that this was going to draw a lot of attention to me I was quick to tell em just acid man and rationalize and justify the fact was tripping balls Seems shifted again to a lab same there with black walls disco multi-colored lights crochet looking back I was running and it seemed like an upward spiral it seemed like a dance I was sweating a girl came up behind me in a Black Dress slip underneath and small pink flowers rap with green centers She had curly hair now remember to be juliet part of this girl that I met Melissa while I was in Riverside I can't remember if she was stirring with me or not they're not sure just passing through I do remember her saying she has to do now is dance does it need the psychedelics Remember this made me sad happy I hadn't even noticed yet Scene shift it again after noticing in an auditorium the people where writhing on the floor, I remember looking at the clock and noticing it was 3 a.m. Thanking is the peak there's still at least three more hours people come out of whatever is going on with them - I've never had this reaction before Regardless, in this scene switching in hiding labels under books material to darryl dish trying to find a more suitable container is worried about losing quality of the material he'll hold it so sacred There's books everywhere my hands are soaked in this material there seem to be in it been at least 250 milliliters of it When I looked to my left my heart dropped two pieces of paper towel had fallen into the dish I was keeping the material temporarily in At that same moment kevin Kevin asking what's going on I noticed that I had all the labels hidden place to just right, staged Scene shifted and I was in a different part of the room still talking to him cuttin Up piece of foam that looks like a whale 5 or 10 feet long, it was thin and recycled patel underneath it had that multi-colored look - seems to be the theme of the dream Lady unadulterated came out of the apartment next door and said Hey Kevin you know that package, referring to what I was just cutting up and what doom the material I was using Cayman, was waiting outside my door all day I'm glad someone finally got it The scene continued kevin and the woman engaged in conversation I thought I was off the hook Inevitably something to bring about the dreaded question - so what was in that package that you're so desperately cutting up I told him it was a book about then I stalled - then my solution was to say, one of my thumb and picture your interests food of the gods by Terence McKenna Before I finished saying the full title and author his hands on his hips and laughed - I convinced them he knew what it was Scene shift it again and I was back at the table trying to recover what material I could all the different contaminants falling into it I squeeze the paper towels out with my hand threw them away safely so no one else will touch them tried to change them into another container that's on the scene shifted for the final time I was back in the auditorium went up to the tallest seat on the left hand side and saw Kyle writhing most but serene and peaceful understanding - the way I perceive myself to act under that type of influence I remember his eyes looking like large multicolored def saucers like animals of the night Then I started to feel the effects come on, instead of being a lated I looked at the clock realized it was 3 a.m. And if I had any way taken a dose larger then one I've given anyone else unable to manage the situation The choice was the runner to stay so I stayed in danced Once I made that decision I woke up