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angelcorebabyowo · 4 years

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Can I have a ride home, I'm at a party and I dont know anyone...

Paring: RemRom

Words: 2771

Chapters:1[or 2]/ ???

Warnings: cursing, somewhat unsympathetic light sides from how you look at it,

oman knew this was a bad idea, he knew going to this dance was a bad idea, he knew that his friends would most likely stand him up, trust me he did. What he didn't expect was to be sitting on the gym bleacher gently crying his eyes out. He didn't expect his brand new dress to be ripped or the heel of his heels to just tear off because he fell. Despite his shaking so much he mages to get his phone and call up his brother, one of the only people he cares about anymore and puts the phone up to his ears begging for someone to answer. Tears had started flowing more freely now, no control to him, and had started full-on sobbing.

"You've reached the trash can! Leave a message after the beep!" was all that came from the other line and Roman almost threw his phone. He tried one more time and it finally worked and he nearly jumped when it worked. The sound of Remus' voice put a smile on his face despite the circumstance.

"Hey whats u- wait, are you crying?" The voice on the other line was hoarse and sounded as if they just chugged a gallon of those drink packets. Just like Remus. He had stayed home seeing as he had gotten expelled earlier in the year for beating up one of the kids who picked on roman and sent them to the hospital, he was lucky that no charges had been pressed, although it was bad enough the school board hadn't wanted him to come back unless he pulled that stunt again.

"They stood me up!" Roman cries and tries to form a ball but the bleachers hadn't given much room to so much as move another inch, "Told me I was too annoying to hang out with them anymore!" he knew it sounded childish but that was the exact wording, and he wasnt about to back down.

"Who do they think they are!" both of them said at the same time, although, Remus sounded angrier than Roman. Roman made a sound that sounded a bit like a whimper at the tone, he never did like it.

"Look, I'm in the middle of something right now, and by that I mean I just woke up. I'll pick you up in a few minutes. Do you want me to stay on the line, or will you be alright?" Remus asks his tone of voice nearly completely changing after he heard Roman's reaction to it before. He might have been an asshole but not enough to fully harm his brother during their weakest point, he would never swoop that low.

"Can you um..Can you stay on the phone?" Roman wasn't crying anymore but he was still sniffling up a storm and it was apparent with every word. He had a small problem with being alone when he was in the state. He knew he couldn't do anything but it still made him beyond uncomfortable to be alone.

"Alright then, go and wash your face off to get all the snot off of it" Remus exclaims, Roman could hear him getting up and his bones popping in the prosses, "You're a messy crier"

Roman does just that well at least walks to the bathroom, wincing and hissing as he walked to the bathroom, he refused to take his shoes off so every step was painful and he nearly started crying again.

"What's the damage? I hear you hissing, sound like Dee" He heard Remus ask him, it was muffled due to the phone not being directly on his ear and more on his shoulder. Dee, Or Jauns Lawrenson, was their mutual friend who had graduated last year and was currently going to Law school or something like that. Neither of them paid enough attention to their friend's career to tell anyone about it.

"My shoe broke and my dress has a gnarly rip in it, luckily the dress looks pre-ripped, can't say the same for the shoes." Roman practically growls annoyed that his favourite outfit was remotely ruined."Stop laughing! It's not funny! It's not fucking funny!" He practically shouts as he gets into the unisex bathroom and locks the door. Luckily there was only one stall so it wasn't like anyone would barge in on him or yell at him for being too loud.

He slowly sets the phone down on the sink and moves to turn the water on, his movements were slow as if he didn't know if he wanted to turn the handle. In all honesty, he didn't want to, he didn't want to hear the noise of it right now, but looking in the mirror at his face he knew he needed to do it. His eyeliner had smeared and his mascara had dripped down to his cheeks and with how much he's rubbed them it was smugged in more places than one on his face.

"It's alright, look I'll tell you a trick that helps me. Paper towels. Get them as wet as you can and then turn the water off when it's as full as it can be, that way the water isn't on for that long and the struggle of everything isn't as bad as it would be!" Remus says cheerfully. Roman could hear the car door close and the engine start. "Want me to pick up Dee? I doubt he'd mind if so!"

He'd never be more relived for Remus to get behind the wheel, and the thought of Dee being there sounded beyond amazing, but it was always just a little too loud with all three of them in the car."No! Just you is enough, hurry up, would you? All the lights are hurting my head, I'll meet you out front"

"I'm also bringing you some pyjamas so that you don't freeze to death tonight. Love you, I'll see you soon" Remus says quickly before hanging up the phone. He had said it so many times in the past, the simple phrase 'I love you' although, it sounded a bit more affectionate today, Roman didn't question it.

After 10 minutes of scrubbing his face raw to get the makeup off he finally got a text from Remus alerting that he was outside. With that Roman practically runs out and to the car and quickly gets the passengers seat and groans as the somewhat to warm hits him, he gently sings into the seat not even putting his seatbelt on. He looks at the roof with a somber expression, it wasn't a good look on him at all.

"That bad huh?"Remus asks handing Roman MacDonald's bag and a normal Walmart bag "I picked you up a cheeseburger and a small fry, would've picked up a happy meal but I didn't know if you would've wanted that. Plus I know damn well you didn't eat anything today, don't play dumb with me. You also got some fuzzy bottoms and a paw-patrol shirt because I couldn't find the normal clothes, Hope that's alright." Remus started driving as Roman dug into his food. The other twin was right, after all, he hadn't had anything all day because of his nerves.

"Yeah it's all right, my guy," Roman says with a big bite of food in his mouth, a smile was now playing at the corners of his lips now instead of a frown. He then changed his shirt, not even carrying if people could see him do it. He wasn't a particularly interesting site to see after all, the only intresting part would be a scar over his heart from a surgery a few years back.

"Don't talk with your mouth full. Not polite" Remus says with a breathy laugh as he continued to drive, he was driving to the beach because he knew that was Roman's favorite place, most definitely at night. He just wanted to see the other happy again .

Roman rests his head on the window as the streetlights, and the city in general, fade into a bleak nothingness. He was used to it, he and Remus drove this same route nearly every night. Not under the same circumstances, of course, just on the nights Roman couldn't sleep or if Remus dragged him out of another midnight adventure. Tonight, after the prom fiasco, had the same calming air to it as all of the other times did. Roman sat up slightly, still making sure to slouch just enough to not touch the top of the seat so that he was still comfortable.

The music from the radio was soft enough to make the car seem a little bit alive. The twins' silence was never an awkward one it was, more often than not, a comfortable one. This didn't mean they enjoyed it though. It was Remus who broke the silence, it typically was, and smiled over at him. It was awkward seeing as the "elder" had sharpened his canines to a vampire-ish point on summer and now continues to do it anytime it somewhat goes dull. Roman did the same thing, although, he was too much of a wuss to do it for more than that summer so his teeth had dulled a lot in that area.

"I'm not going to ask you again Ro, what flavour milkshake do you want?" Remus questions as he pulls into a Rallys parking lot, not wanting to go to the drive-through without knowing the full order "If you same say some shit like vanilla I'm going to leave you in this parking lot."

"Jokes of you, I hate Vanilla milkshakes. Banana and can you ask for extra whipped cream" Roman says laughing softly and sits up completely before crossing his legs. He felt better now, and with the promise of something sweet his entire mood changed even more. "And I'll give you ten bucks when you get home if you get me a thing of funnel fries, like a small thing, not even a medium"

"I'll get you a medium shake and a small thing of those fries," Remus says with fake disgust, in all honesty, hed most likely steal a few of Roman's "How can you even eat those things? Think of all of the parasites that are in that dough"

"This is coming from the guy who drank the pond water from my science project!" Roman says with a smug smile. a few years ago Remus, as a dare, drank an entire jar of muddy pond water leaving him in the hospital for a month with several bacterial infections and nearly died. Roman was lucky Remus found it funny or hed most likely would have gotten slapped.

"Ugh- don't remind me, I'm still trying to pay off all of those hospital bills!" Remus groans sadly before pulling into the drive-through line before quickly saying his order and playing and getting his change back, he then got the food just as fast because it had been only them and it seemed pretty much deserted at the time. He quickly drove off mumbling something about how the workers seemed mean and he should go back and give them a piece of his mind.

"Ah shut up and give me my food," Roman says and practically snatches the bag from Remus' lap with a small smile and keeps it on his side. He wasn't being mean it was more of a playful/teasing type if anything. He was rarely mean to his brother but when he was it was for typically good reason, or he just wanted to be a nuisance. "None for you!"

"Little shit!" Remus says laughing fondly before reaching over and stealing one of the fries and plopping it in his mouth before taking a sip of his milkshake "Before everything, want to go home or do you just want to ride around? We don't have anything big planned so it's not like we have to even wake up early. I was going to bring us to the beach but I'm pretty sure we'd get chased off by those snobby rich guys again." "Want to risk it to see if they do?"

"Nah, knowing them they'd press charges or some shit trespassing and I don't feel like getting arrested tonight"

"You're no fun anymore!" Roman wines

"Finnnnneee We'll go later when there's no chance of us getting caught! That better Little prince?"

"Hell yes! now come on start driving faster!" Roman says with a grin looking over at Remus before turning up the radio and practically bouncing in his seat. He had heard that nickname so many times it might as well had been his name, it was a reference to one of his favourite story as a kid and even to this day "Our song!" Roman quickly rolled down the window and started tosing scream the lyrics to "tongue-tied by Grouplove" it was rarely played on the radio but when it did Roman made sure to sing it.

It had a good summer and over the top entry they could both get behind

"Let me guess, you want me to sing along with you?" Remus says laughing softly before rolling down his window as well as the other two windows. If the two of them were going to be loud they were going to be so loud that the entire neighbourhood they had been driving through was going to have to file a noise complaint on a random beat-up car that drove through the neighbourhood. and started screaming the lyrics. "Take me to your best friends house! Loved you then and I loved you AND I LOVED YOU NOW!" They both sung that part ith all of their heart, Roman was playing the air guitar and Remus jamming out while thumping on the wheel as he drove. The car was filled with the two Teens laughing their asses off as the music practically blasted as they screamed and laughed just as hard. For a moment they forgot about everything that ever happened to them as they jammed out.

Everything was perfect in that time and space.

Eventually, everything calmed down and Roman yawned and leaned back looking at the ceiling closing his eyes slightly and took a sip from his now melted Milkshake. "This was fun Re-"

"Really? I think it was the best experience we will ever have in this plane of existence."Remus says pulling into the driveway and parked the car, they didn't go to the beach seeing how late it had gotten and both had started to get overly drowsy "And yeah, it was fun for me as well. Want me to carry you or are your legs good enough?"

"Carry me" Roman whispers tiredly and making grippy hands in Remus' direction "Please?"

Remus took the keys out and got out of the car before walking over to Roman's side and helps them out and picks them up bridal style."You good?"

"Always am Rem, now hurry up before I spit in your face for moving to slow. "

"Oh you know I love it when you spit on me"

"Ugh! Shut up and get a move on, would you!"

Remus laughs as he walks into the house, it was unlocked because Remus kept losing the front door key, and then walks to Roman's room and flops them on the bed. "You going to sleep or want me to keep the light on? I'll most likely not come back for a few minutes because I have to go fix up the car," he asks walking over to the light switch. They shared a room because Neither Remus nor Roman had the strength to clean out, or sleep, in their parents' old room after they died despite it being years ago.

"Off, yeah off," Roman says softly nuzzling into the blanket cocoon he already managed to get himself into. His mind was practically mush at this point so he didn't feel like talking

"Goodnight sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite," Remus says turning the lights off fully.

Roman snorts "Goodnight Rem! Don't let them bite you either!"

Remus fondly rolls his eyes and playfully blows a kiss and closes the door and sighing softly as he hears the tiny click. He slowly walks back to the car to get all of the stuff and runs back inside and puts the stuff into the tiny kitchen before going to the room flopping down on his bed and looks over at Roman who seemed to be peacefully sleeping. He smiled and wrapped himself in his own blankets before finally falling asleep.

#im really proud of this but be free to drag it through the dirt and then some #remrom #romrem #crosspost #originally on ao3 #this is two chapters but im weird so its one on here #remus sanders #ts roman #ts Roman #ts remus #highschool au #slow burn #long post #2771 words of shit

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outcast-thingz · 4 years

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Hello, my lovelies! I'm not going to lie, I'm really nervous about posting these stories... but hey, you miss every ball you don't swing at right?

Pairing: Tsukishima X femReader

Summary: You've had a crush on Tsukishima for the longest time and your friends know this. You thought you were pretty obvious but apparently not since he got a girlfriend and it wasnt you. Who needs that tall blonde idiot anyways it's not like you life depends on him liking you back. Right? Sure, but it still hurts...

Warnings: fluff, angst

~You Dummy~

‘At least it’s all about you-ou-ou-ou-oooo~; I think the blondes are done with fun; At least it's all about you-ou-ou-ou-oooo~ ; I think the blondes are done; we're all too cool for fun’

《 "Hey Tsuki~!" You greet the tall blonde. He shoots you glare for the nickname.

"Don't call me that, Shorty" he jokingly retorts

"Fine, sky tower" you shot him back a glare. You stick your tongue out playfully and giggle while he smirks rolling his eyes at your childish antics. A sigh and familiar voice came from behind you,

"Sometimes you two worry me. I can't tell when you guys are actually angry with each other." It was Yamaguchi.

"And hello to you too." You greeted. The three of you start walking to lunch. "If you really can't tell just listen to the names. If you hear our real name you know we're angry. Me saying Tsuki doesn't count because it's a shortened version therefore still a nickname." You clarified, "isn't that right tree top?"

"Whatever Halfpint" he rolled his eyes playfully. The boys start walking to lunch with you skipping beside them.》

BRRRRRING. The sound of the bell startling you awake. You let out something resembling a chuckle at your own stupidity for thinking it was real. It’s been a month since you two had your fight and he seems to have forgotten your existence. Whenever you’re around him he will look everywhere but you and if you try to talk to him his only responses are ‘mhmm’, silence, or he changed the subject. You shook your head and slapped your face to pull yourself out of these thoughts. Other students stared in concern,

“y/n, do you have anything to add to the class?” the teacher asked from the front of the room. You shook your head slightly, “then, please refrain from interrupting the class.” other students giggled and the teacher continued the class. Unfortunately, slapping your face was a fruitless effort because soon enough those distracting thoughts came back. You didn’t even remember moving to the next class let alone reaching the end of the day. When you came out of your haze you realized you were in the boy’s volleyball gym.

“Hey y/n, it’s been a while. What are you doing here?” Yamaguchi greeted. Your eyes weren’t looking at his eyes but rather through them.

“I don’t know… I guess I came here out of habit. I’m going to go-” You mumbled before a thought hit you

‘I go blonde when I'm sad, Blew motivation I had-’ you always went to him when you couldn’t get something off your mind.

“Hey, we’re about to start stretching. Ah- y/n, didn’t think I’d see you here shorty.” His voice called to you like a siren. One look at Tsukishima is all it took and your heart was a ship at sea crashing into the rocks.

‘To make my still-beating something, Not hurt that bad’ You couldn’t bear it, seeing that smile on his face. So, your gaze cascaded to the floor.

“Somebody looks happy.” jealously dripped from your words.

“What can I say pipsqueak, some things have changed.” he chuckled. It bothered you,

‘How can he act like nothing happened? He’s been ignoring me for weeks and now he’s suddenly Mr. Sunny Disposition?’ a growing anger stirred itself in the aching pot in your heart.

“You know for someone who’s been acting like I don’t exist you seem to be talking to me pretty easily right now.” you hissed. Tsukishima shifted his stance.

“...Speaking of that, I’m glad you came because I wanted to apologize.” Apologize? aPoLoGIzE!? The pot in your heart bubbled with seething anger. He has no idea what it’s been like for you, watching him laugh and smile around some other girl. How much it hurt to see her do what you couldn’t, get that stupid blonde to like you back. The pain of seeing him draw further from you. All of those hurtful memories flooded your mind.

‘Haven't been home in some months, I haven't loved myself, Just watching friends online, Look like they need some help’

It was almost dizzying having these emotions, any emotion really in weeks.

“Pipsqueak?” he reached his hand out to touch your shoulder and you shoved it off. Tears ran down your cheeks, steam blew out your ears, and that boiling pot of poisonous anger spilt,

“Do you have any clue what I’ve been through!? You do realize you are the only person I talk to when something is wrong, right!? I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about my feelings and do you know what ignoring does to someone?” He was left speechless.

“y/n maybe you should calm d-” Yamaguchi cautioned.

“NO! I’ll tell you what it does Tsukishima. First, it acts like a blade and it stabs you in the heart. A new one appears and makes its mark for each time you’re ignored. Eventually, you can’t feel the pain anymore because here’s a little secret about those blades, the tips are dripping with a poison called apathy. I haven’t felt anything but empty for weeks!” You fumed. “It's a horrible feeling. Being yelled at for doing something I thought was normal for us and not knowing why until I saw you and her together. And do you know what made it worse?” You lifted your eyes so that they met his. He stayed silent. By this time the rest of the boys had stopped what they were doing and were just as speechless as Tsukishima was. “If you weren’t ignoring something I said you would change the subject and it would always be about you.” You advance towards him. “It’s. All. About.” you jab his chest with each word, “YOU!” you bellowed as you shoved him. To everyone’s surprised Tsukishima almost fell.

“Y/n..” He spoke softly and you could tell he was hurting. You could see him screaming he was sorry behind his eyes.

“I never asked to have feelings for you, even though I thought I pretty obvious with all the nicknames I gave you and how I would always lightly punch your shoulder and giggle after you told a joke or even how I joking called you a dummy when those rare moments something would go over your head.” a tear ran down your cheek. Nothing, not a word from anyone.

“Y/n.. I-” He sighed, “please if you just let me-”

“Let you what? It’s been a month Tsukishima, A MONTH! The worst part is, I thought you knew…” you stammered. More tears ran down your cheeks. “I never wanted to be thinking this loud I never asked about the when, why or how; I wanted privacy, routine and everything between; While they're just finding me out; I never wanted to be thinking this loud.” You screamed.

The room was filled with a suffocating silence that would occasionally be interrupted by your sniffles.

“..y/n.” his voice gentle but wavering. He reached out to wipe your tears,

“ No one cares how I feel but at least It’s all about you!” You cry as you swat his hand away and punch him in the chest. You huffed and puffed for a moment and when you look up to see the shock in everyone’s faces. When you finally gained the courage to look at Tsukishima again you too were shocked. You had managed to hit him hard enough that he stumbled and hit the floor. The damage had been done and there was no taking back what had been said. The bubbling pot was empty of anger. Its waters had been replaced with guilt, regret, and heartache. Feeling empty was one the but this? It was like you were drowning with chains around your limbs and a cement block tied to your feet. “Tch” You spun around and sprinted away. One foot in front of the other.

“Y/N!” the others call out for you but it was nothing but fuzzy words fading behind you. One foot in front of the other is all that you mind focused on as your heart tied more cement blocks to itself.

‘I think the blondes are done with fun; At least it's all about you; I think the blondes are done; We're all too cool for fun’

Tsukishima knew exactly how you felt when you ran off. That feeling of the weight holding down his chest as he cursed and screamed at himself mentally while you were yelling at him. The punch was like a thousand knifes slicing through his heart.

‘No plastic or paper can take her or make her; Shake from the fact she's my world devastator’

‘Get up… get up damn it.’ he scolded himself as she ran off, ‘Get up and run after her… You’re going to lose her forever.’ Yamaguchi walked in front of the self-disgusted blonde and extended a helping hand,

“Tsuki?” the worry hit Tsukishima hard. He scrambled to his feet ignoring his friend’s hand.

‘You… I think the blondes are done; We're all too cool for fun’

“Y/N” Tsuki screamed out as he ran after you. For once in his life he let his tears fall as if for them to act as a symbol of his shame and guilt.

‘I go blue when I've had; A break at home to breathe’

He screamed out your name once you were in his sights. It felt like you were a world away from him. Even so, he pushed himself further, faster, and harder with every step he took.

“Damn.” he curses under his breath rain began to pour. It didn’t take long for the roads to get slippery and you found yourself slipping. You scrambled to your feet once again and continued running a little longer. The weight was becoming too much causing you to slow down with each step until you were at a complete stop. Seconds later you could feel Tsukishima’s arms wrap around you tightly. You couldn’t find the muscle to push him away, you just wanted to disappear so the pain would stop. “I used to crave a getaway, Now I don't wanna leave” His lamented, “I broke up with that girl a week ago because I realized I was only dating her to get my mind off of you. I pushed you away because I didn’t think you would ever like me back. I’m sorry, and I know that sorry means nothing right now but… I was stuck at home for some months, I didn't love myself, Before we sold out shows, Before I needed help…” His voice increasingly cracks and waivers with every word. He pushed you back so you could see his face. “I never wanted to be thinking this loud, I never asked about the when, why or how; I wanted privacy, routine and everything between, while they're just finding me out; I never wanted to be thinking this loud” They two of you stared into each other’s pained eyes. He leaned over and placed his forehead on yours, “I’m an idiot..” He admits as his tears roll off his cheeks falling onto yours. A giggle worked its way out of you between blubbering tears,

“That’s right... you dummy.” you wrapped your arms around his neck and pulled him closer so your lips could collide. He is happily surprised by this and decides to tighten his wrap around your waist so he could spin the two of you around once. Once your feet hit the ground the two of you stand there for a few minutes both in silence and in each others arms. To be honest, the two of you were lucky it was raining so hard, no one wanted to be out driving in that weather. There you two stood on the road. The rain softens but doesn’t go away. The lamppost turning on qued your want to leave. Fingers intertwined and swinging back and forth as the two of you walked home together.

“Were you really crying?” you tease and squeeze his hand once,

“Must have been the rain falling off my face.” he squeezed back.

‘At least it’s all about… us.’

#Spotify #kei tsukishima #haikyuu tsukishima #haikyuu x reader #tsukishima x reader #angst #heartbreak

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justmikerrss · 4 years

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to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

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a-kendricks · 5 years

Text

walls/jake&anna/chatzy

Who: Jake Gyllenhaal and Anna Kendrick

What: After Jake and Anna catch up, she calls him wasted and one thing leads to another. The two talk about what couldve of been between them.

Where: Anna’s home in California

When: July 14th, 2019

Trigger Warnings: slight nsfw just in case? lol

@jakegyllnhls

Anna: The previous conversation Anna had with Jake almost broke her. She knew this day was coming, but she never knew when. It wasn't right for her to keep that from him, but Anna was terrified of it becoming a reality and when it wasn't she was crushed but relieved. After all these years, Jake admitted that he was in love with her and Anna didn't know what to feel or how to react to that. A million thoughts were running through her mind right now and all she felt like doing was getting wasted, and that's exactly what she did. Grabbing three beers from her fridge, it didn't take much for the tiny actress to get bombed. Anna downed the first two, and as she was almost done with her third one, Anna picked up her phone and dialed the one number she shouldn't of. Hoping he didn't pick up, Anna heard someone say hello and the actress slurred her words "I.." Stopping herself, Anna took a sip of her beer and pushed her hair out of her face "I liked Nora. I mean, when the stick didn't turn positive I was relieved but I was kind of dissapointed. If I was pregnant and if it was a girl, I would've liked Nora." She said into the phone, sounding plastered.

Jake: After the conversation with Anna, Jake didn't really know what to think. Everything they'd talked about was going through his head. He couldn't believe she'd kept the pregnancy scare from him. If he'd known, he'd have been there, he'd have helped her but now she was telling him after all these years felt like a massive blow. It wasn't like he had room to talk anyway. He'd hid that he was in love with her for so long. Everything about the conversation just hurt. He sighed, getting up from his couch and heading over to grab a bottle of beer to try and help calm himself but his attention was caught when his phone rang. "Hello..." he said curiously as he finally grabbed a beer, resting it on the counter. Then he heard the voice he didn't know if he wanted to hear at that moment. "Anna? ...what are you talking about?" His heart dropped as he heard her talk about the scare again, a sigh passing his lips. "You can't call me up and say this shit to me right now. You sound wasted."

Anna: She didn’t know how to feel. All of this was too much, and maybe getting wasted wasn’t the best idea but Anna needed to do something to numb the pain. She wanted him and missed him and needed him, especially now and Anna couldnt tell him that, now yet anyway. As he answered the phone and heard his voice, Anna took another sip of her beer and then walked to the fridge to grab another. Sighing, Anna continued with “I thought Nora sounded good with Gyllenhaal.” She was wasted, and Anna let out a frustrated groan when he had called her out on it “I’m not fucking wasted! I’m fine” Anna rolled her eyes

Jake: This was killing Jake. Everything about it. For so long they’d both kept things from each other and now it was out there and he wasn’t sure how to deal with it. Normally, he’d close himself off and act like it didn’t bother him but he couldn’t with this. This was far too serious for him to blow off. Hearing her say the name she’d have wanted for their kid felt like a stab to his heart. “Don’t, Anna. Please,” he spoke quietly as if that was going to hide how much this was hurting him right now. “Don’t say that to me. You can’t say that to me. It’s not fair.” He huffed, rolling his eyes while he played around with the label on his bottle of beer just as a minor distraction. “You are fucking wasted. What’re you calling me for anyway? You could’ve called any other single person you know but of course it had to be me.” Was he a little annoyed? Sure but he knew that she was upset just like he was so he couldn’t blame her. “How much have you drank?”

Anna: Anna didn’t know how to feel. If she was being honest with herself, she felt numb. But she also felt confused and pissed off and upset. All different kind of emotions and Anna didnt feel like dealing with it. This was too much and Anna just wasnt in the mood. “I’m just saying.” Anna said quietly, finishing her third beer and then took the cap off of the fourth one after putting her third on the kitchen table. “I’m not fucking wasted. Because I fucking miss you and you cant just fucking tell me you were in love with me and then not...” Stopping herself, Anna felt herself getting choked up and she drummed her fingers on the island and took a breath “I’m on my fourth beer.” Anna said “Can you just.. can you...” Shaking her head, Anna laughed “You seriously couldn’t have told me back then that you were in love with me?”

Jake: “Well, just don’t.” Jake said, frustration laced in his voice. Not because he was mad at her but because he just didn’t know how to handle this. It was a lot. More than he was was he supposed to deal with the fact that she’d been in love with him too and was almost pregnant with his kid. He couldn’t stop thinking about what could’ve been. “You are fucking wasted. Stop being stubborn.” His heart almost leapt out of his chest when she said she missed him. He missed her too even if he didn’t want to admit that out loud at that moment. “And you can’t fucking tell me you thought you were pregnant with my kid just like that either. You should’ve told me then but you didn’t and... whatever.” He was almost tempted to end the conversation right then and there but he couldn’t. Anyone else it would’ve been easy but not Anna. “Fuck, Anna. Why did you have to call me?” He sounded almost defeated. Ignoring her last comment, he decided he’d had enough of talking about this over the phone. “I’m coming over. Don’t argue it just unlock the damn door so I can come in and don’t drink anything else.”

Anna: Anna let him talk. There was nothing else for her to say, she had a million thoughts running through her mind but Anna couldnt think of them right now. There was no point in fighting with him because if she fought with him then she would’ve wanted to get more drunk. When he called her stubborn, Anna bit her lips and smiled softly to herself. “I know. Im sorry.” Anna whispered, keeping this too herself and getting wasted wasnt helping. “Because I wanted to hear your voice.” Anna said, taking another sip of her beer but then took a breath and pushed her hair out of her face “Jake..” Was all she could say before she ended the phone call. Still in her pajamas from this morning, Anna took another sip of her beer ignoring Jake.

Jake: As he was about to say something, the line went dead. Confused, he pulled his phone away from his ear to look at it. She’d hung up on him. It wasn’t really a surprise but that wasn’t stopping him from doing what he said. He REALLY was going to go over to her place. He had to. This wasn’t how this was going to end - there was no way. So, he grabbed his keys and headed out without question. Maybe going over wasn’t the best idea. They hadn’t seen each other in a while and with everything that was out there now it would probably end up with them arguing, doing something they shouldn’t or her just completely ignoring him. Whatever the consequence, he had to see her. His heart was pounding against his chest as he pulled up outside her place. Part of him was screaming at him to go back home but he fought it, stepping out of the car and to her front door. After a deep breath in and out to collect himself, he knocked on the door. “Anna. Open the door. Please.”

Anna: She didn’t know why she hung up on him but she did. All Anna wanted to do was cry and yell but that would be childish, but the women didnt care. He was coming over and Anna looked like he’ll, she felt embarrassed and sick to her stomach. Sitting on the couch with her knees pulled up to her chest, Anna held on tight and the brunette took another sip of her beer. Getting lost within her thoughts, Ann jumped a little when she heard the knock on the door. Hearing his voice, Anna took a breath and closed her eyes, feeling tears fall down her face. Clearing her throat, Anna got up and opened the door “I don’t know why you’re here Jake. I’m fine.” Anna said, rolling her eyes and folding her arms across her chest.

Jake joined the chat 3 hours ago

Jake: He really wished this was a situation he could run from and just forget ever happened but he couldn’t. It was Anna and with everything they’d talked about, walking away from it would be too hard for him. As hard as it would be they needed to talk face to face. Jake stood there, hands stuffed into his jeans pocket. After a few minutes, he heard the door open and came face to face with her for the first time in a while. He knew he’d missed her but seeing her made it hit him like a ton of bricks. He really, really wished it’d have been under different circumstances. “Oh yeah, totally fine. Fine people always call their ex up drunk as fuck,” he said, sarcastically. It was silent for a few minutes, Jake not daring to make eye contact with her. This was so out of his comfort zone but he has to try. He wanted to. “Can I come in or are you going to make me stay out here so we can be like a cliche romance movie.”

Anna: As soon as she saw him, Anna took a breath and looked him up and down. He had not changed one bit and Anna was still very attracted to him, but who wouldnt be? Chewing on her lips, Annas arms were still folded against her chest and the women just let him talk again. This was way too hard and the actress wished she didnt have to deal with this but she did at some point and today was that day. “You’re an asshole.” Anna said, shaking her head and then motioned for him to come in “Ive been traveling and working so the place is a mess.” Anna slurred, her eyes red and fired from crying

jake: Seeing her stood in front of him brought back all the memories from when they were together. And, now knowing that they’d both been in love with each other and were idiots who never told each other, it hurt so much more. He could tell she’d been crying and he really wanted to hug her and tell her it’d be okay but he didn’t know if he should. “Yeah, I know,” he shrugged, stepping inside her place and closing the door behind him. “I don’t care. I care about you and why you’re here getting so drunk that you call me up. I know you probably don’t want me here and you’d rather just get drunk and be miserable by yourself but I’m sorry. I can’t let you do that.”

Anna: All she saw was what could of been. What her son or daughter could’ve looked like if she was pregnant that whole week she was late. This was killing her and keeping this whole thing to herself and not talking about it, Anna felt like an idiot and wished she had talked to Aubrey about it more. She wished she had just told him, Anna swallows the lump in her throat and chewed the inside of her cheeks “I shouldn’t even have my phone. I was about to call Ben but I didnt.” Anna said, walking further into her home. There were boxes with Bens name on it and Anna took a breath “He’s picking up his stuff next week. Haven’t had a chance to send his things to him.” She laughed but and took another sip of her beer looking at him “Why? I’ll be 34 Jake, I can do whatever I want.” Anna said snippy, and shook her head while rolling her eyes “I just don’t get why you’re here since you probably hate me right now.”

jake: He was really trying his best not to think about the fact that if they’d have still been together and she really had been pregnant and told him that they’d probably be a big happy family right now. That was too much for him to handle. A family was something Jake wanted so badly but anytime he tried it just didn’t work out for him. It was something he’d pretty much given up on by now. He really wished he’d have told her how he’d felt back then. Maybe things would’ve been different. He couldn’t change it, though. All he could do was focus on now and at least try and deal with their situation right now. “No shit you shouldn’t have your phone.” He followed her, eyeing the boxes with a frown. It was never good to have your exes stuff laying around. “Don’t give me that attitude, Anna. It’s not just my fault that you’re feeling how you are right now. I feel the exact same way but I’m not drinking my feelings away.” He stopped for a second to look at her and shake his head. “Hate you? You’re insane. I don’t hate you. I’m… upset with you but I don’t hate you. I could never.”

Anna: She didnt even tell her mom, and right now all Anna needed and wanted was to talk to her mom. But her mom was someone who wanted grandchildren and marriage from and for her daughter but Anna was cut out for it. She loved Jake, she was so in love with him and if she would’ve told him back then then Annas whole life couldve been something different. It was bothering her so much, this whole thing was bothering her and maybe she shouldve still kept it to herself but Anna didnt realize how hard it was going to be to deal with this. “If Aubrey or Rebel we’re here then they would’ve taken my phone but they’re not.” Anna said taking a breath and pushing her hair out of her face, the actress finished her beer and placed it on her coffee table next to the other ones “I’m sorry that I’m fucking not as strong as you are Jake. I’m sorry that I fucking turn to alcohol when things get rough for me.” Throwing her hands up in the air in defense, Anna sat down on the couch and looked at him “Can we just.. can we talk about something else other than this? Other than us?” Anna said quickly, wanting so badly to change the subject “I’m.. I don’t know how to deal with this.” Anna said, she got up and walked closer to him “I don’t want to deal with this.”

Jake: Relationships never worked out for Jake. Whether it be him or the other person, he never seemed to be able to hold one down. It was like whenever he did start to get to the point of settling down, he self destructed just like he had with Anna. He’d sabotaged that by not telling her how he’d felt. If he had then they wouldn’t be here both hurt and having this conversation. Being with Anna had been one of the best relationships he’d ever had - it was one he thought about a lot. “Just because I look like I’m okay doesn’t mean I am,” he sighed, running a hand through his probably already messy hair and glanced at her. “This is fucking killing me. I’ve been sat miserable all night trying not to think about it because anytime I do my heart just hurts. You don’t think that I wanted to get drunk and try to forget about it because I did but then you called.” He couldn’t bring himself to look at her anymore, shaking his head. “I don’t know what to do.” He felt so broken. So helpless. There wasn’t anything he could do to sort this out for either of them. “Okay,” he nodded his head, fully aware that they were pretty much only inches apart. “Then let’s not deal with it."

Anna: She couldn't believe that this was happening. Going through a brake up is one thing, but now going through this? Anna was so tired, she was mentally tied and now she just wanted to be left alone. But Jake was here, standing in her home, like he's done many times before and the actress felt her eyes fill with water. She was not in the mood to cry, especially not in front of Jake. "Then yell at me. Call me names, do something! Me keeping this from you.., I.. what the hell was I fucking thinking? I didn't realize it would hurt /this/ much after finally telling you." Anna watched as he ran his hands through his hair, and there was a time when she played with his shaved head while being on and off of set. "I'm sorry I called. I'm sorry. No one else aside from Aubrey knows, but I didn't want to talk to her about it. My mom doesn't even know." Anna said, letting out a bitter laugh but she looked at him and swallowed hard "I'd offer you a beer, but you yelled at me before for drinking so.. help yourself if you want too or not." It's bothering her, it's bothering her that he can't even look at her an Anna moved in closer to him than she was before "I don't know what to do either, other than get wasted." Anna's words were still slurring, but they were starting to clear up a bit. She wanted to be close to him, she wanted him to hold her in his arms and feel his lips pressed against hers but Anna knew that now wasn't the time "But we have too. I.., I have too. I mean, I pushed it back for so many years but it's always been there. The thought of us.., of us having a baby.." Those words were hard to come out of Anna's mouth, but they did and Anna took her hands, lacing her fingers with his. Holding them up, Anna looked at him "I'm sorry that I fucked up, and I'm sorry that I hurt you." Anna whispered, and pressed her forehead against his but took a deep breath and pulled back, still holding his hands.

Jake: He didn’t want her to cry. That was the last thing he wanted especially if it was over him. She deserved to smile and be happy but that just wasn’t possible for either of them right now. They had to get past this first. It wasn’t gonna be easy but at least in some fucked up way they had each other. “No,” he said with a firm shake of his head. “I’m not going to yell at you or call you names or anything. As much as I’m hurt and upset with you right now, I could never bring myself to.” His voice was soft, an ever so present frown on his face now. “I.. I’m glad you told me, though. It sucks but I’m glad you didn’t keep it from me forever.” Jake couldn’t help let the tiniest of laughs when she said that he’d yelled at her for drink. “Yeah, I did but that’s only because I didn’t want you to do anything stupid. I mean, calling me was pretty stupid but I’m kind of glad you did,” he admitted. It was true. As much as he wished she hadn’t, it had given him an excuse to go over and see her and as hard as that was, being there in front of her and seeing her again was something he’d wanted for a while. Being so close to her again was almost intoxicating. He wasn’t sure if he could handle it before he caved and said something stupid. “I’m sorry that I hurt you, too.” His voice was barely a whisper and when she took his hands, Jake met her eyes for a small second before closing them the moment their foreheads touched. He let out a breath when she pulled back, opening his eyes again and before he could stop himself his next words tumbled out of his mouth and he said the stupid thing he was trying to avoid. “I really wanna kiss you right now.”

Anna: She probably looked horrible, and still being in her pajamas wasn't helping. He became more attractive and Anna was starting to realize how /much/ she missed the sex and right now, not getting laid for a while wasn't helping either. Having him here, having him in her rom and being close to her was helping though. It was helping in so many ways possible. "Jake please.., just call me a bitch or something because me not telling you was so fucked up." Anna whispered, and then looked at him "The minute we started talking again, it killed me that I was still keeping it a secret from you and I thought you had to know." She continued and then smiled softly as he laughed a little "I'm glad I called you too. I always do something stupid when I'm drunk." The brunette laughed, and then bit her lips "You should know that by now." Clearing her throat, Anna wanted to move in closer. She wanted to feel his body pressed against hers. She wanted him, she wanted him so badly. "You didn't hurt me." She whispered one more time, and then watched as she pulled away from him. His beautiful eyes on hers, Anna bit her lips and smiled a little. "I really wanna kiss you right now too." Anna leaned in, she pressed her lips softly against his and left them there for a few moments. Finally pulling back, Anna shook her head "I.." Not knowing what to say, she pushed her hair behind her ears and let go of Jake's hands, now folding her arms across her chest.

Jake: Even if she was drunk and still in her pyjamas, he still thought she was one of the most beautiful girls he’d ever seen. She’d just gotten more attractive through the years. Being here with her so close to him made him miss every single thing about her. “I’m never going to call you a name or be mean to you. I can’t.” The thought of even yelling at her about it hadn’t crossed his mind. Well, maybe for slight second but it had passed. “At least it was a sort of good stupid this time,” it was one of the first times that night a small smile played on his face. A genuine one. “I should’ve told you how I felt back then and not now. I’m sorry, Anna. I’m really sorry.” The second her lips were on his, he felt all the feelings he’d pushed away trying to rise right back up to the surface. Before he could really register it, she’s pulled away. He blinked, trying to figure out something to say in his head but he was coming up blank. Instead, he took a step closer to her again, bringing one of his hands to gently rest on her cheek before he leaned in and kissed her again. He didn’t care if she pushed him away and he knew that even the smallest of kisses was just going to make everything worse but he didn’t care. He’d missed it so much.

Anna: Anna was drunk, but she was sobering up and all Anna wanted to do was sleep, she was exhausted. However, Jake was here and she didnt want to rush him out. He came all this way to check on her, and she loved that. “I’ll have to thank your parents for that then.” Anna said, laughing a little even though she probably didn’t make any sense. “It was a good stupid. If I had called Ben then that would’ve been a bad stupid.” Anna said jokingly, but was being half serious. She didn’t even know where her phone was at the moment and that was a good thing too. Seeing his smile, Ann bit her lips and suddenly got turned on. When she has first met him for work, for their movie, his smile was one of the things that attracted her to him. “Baby it’s okay.” She whispered, then realized she called him the one nickname she missed calling him. Taking a breath, she got nervous for a second and pushed her hair out of her face. Watching him try to realize what had just happened, Anna let him come in closer to her and held his hand in hers as he rested it on her cheek. As he kisses her back, Anna knew she should probably step away but didn’t. If anything, she stepped closer to the couch and Anna laid down, pulling him on top of her “I miss you.” Anna whispered, and kissed him deeply

Jake: “Yeah. Please don’t call Ben... ever.” Was he a little jealous that she’d almost had with Ben what he’d wanted with her? Maybe but he wasn’t bitter about it. She’d moved on and he had, too. Of course they were going to try and start lives with other people. Seeing her bite her lip was driving him crazy whether she knew it or not. It was always one of his weakness. His heart leapt a bit when he heard her call him baby. He’d missed that. Other people he’d dated had called him it but it never sounded as good as it did when it came out of her mouth. Jake knew he should stop, he knew that kissing her was probably a bad idea but he just wanted to revel in the feeling of being so close to her again. Her lips on his, her hands on him - it felt like heaven. As she pulled him on the couch, he used one arm to hold himself up while the other rested on her hip, hitching up the top she was wearing a small bit. “I miss you too,” he mumbled against her lips, refusing to stop kissing her just yet. “So much.” It had turned from a gentle kiss into something much more desperate. Their bodies pressed against each other, lips moving together quickly as if they were trying to make up for missed time.

Anna: When Jake told her not to call Ben ever, sober or not, Anna sensed the jealousy in his voice and she smiled a bit. Sure she and Ben had just broken up a few months ago, and it was still hard but she couldn't even think about that right now. Anna felt so nervous for calling him baby, the word poured out of her mouth before she could even stop and Anna knew she probably fucked up again. With her hands holding his face, she smiled and laughed a little within the kiss and Anna pressed her forehead against his again, taking a breath. The touch of his hands on her hips, Anna got chills all up and down her body. She needed him and wanted him, Anna moaned a little and bit his lip softly for a few moments while kissing him "I want you.." She whispered "So badly.." Anna sat up for a second, not even stopping but took off her shirt and threw it onto the floor, she did the same with Jake's and Anna looked at him "Hi.." Was all she could say quietly, and kissed him deeply.

Jake: The last thing Jake had had in mind when he’d came over was to be making out with her on her couch but here they were. It was wrong and they both knew it but finding the self control to stop and actually register that in their brains was proving difficult. How could he think straight with her lips on his and his body pressed against hers? Everything up there was foggy and all he could think about was how he didn’t want this to stop. Hearing her moan was like music to his hears, fighting back one of his own. He could feel himself getting more and more turned on by the second. She’d always had that effect on him. “I want you too,” he spoke softly watching her as she pulled her shirt off then his too. A smile was on his face as he looked at her, taking in every single detail. She was still as beautiful as ever. It didn’t take long for the kiss to grow heated again, Jake’s hands exploring whatever parts of her body he could reach. “I want this so bad,” he murmured against her lips as he bucked his hips up against hers for even just the tiniest relief of friction.

Anna: When they were finished, Anna and Jake had moved from her couch into her bedroom. As they were laying there, she was cuddling with him, her naked body pressed up against his. She was always so small compared to him, and Anna loved that about their relaitonship. Her face was buried into his chest, and Anna looked up at him, running her fingers through his hair "You are right, by the way, that the sex is incredible." Anna laughed a little, and kissed him softly "I'm.., I missed this so much and I missed you and I'm just.. I'm really, really, really glad I called you tonight." Anna said quietly, looking into his beautiful ocean eyes. She took a breath, and swallowed hard "You know what scares me the most? Ben.., he begged me to marry him and he begged me to have kids with him but I wouldn't. If.., if you would've done that back then.., even though I was scared as hell then I would've in a heartbeat." Anna kissed him once more, and felt her eyes slowly closing but she opened them "I'm.., I only thought about names as soon as I called you too, by the way. It wasn't like I had that name in my head this whole time." Anna swallowed hard again, and then moved in closer to feel his touch "What did.., what did America say when you told her you were in love with me?" Anna questioned, she was genially curious.

Jake: As they laid their in their post sex haze, Jake had his arm around her, lightly brushing his fingers along her arm as he listened to her talk with a soft smile on his face. Really, he didn’t expect the night ending like this but he wasn’t complaining. He was just going to sit in their happy little bubble for a minute before it burst and they were brought back to reality. “Still amazing after all this time,” he grinned, pressing another quick kiss to her lips after she had. “I missed you too. I didn’t think I realized how much until I saw you,” he admitted. As much as he wanted to chip in with some comment about Ben, now wasn’t the time and he just let her talk. A sad smile formed on his face at what could’ve been. They really could’ve been happily married with kids by now if they hadn’t been so stupid. “I... uh, I wanted to marry Reese. Like, that was the first time I’d ever wanted that with anyone and she didn’t want that. Not with me anyway and that killed me. I never thought I’d find anyone that would make me want that again then we met and... I was just drawn to you straight away. You made me want to settle down. I... I would’ve married you.” He sighed, bringing her forehead to rest against his with his hand cupping her cheek. “Anna Gyllenhaal would’ve had a really nice ring to it.” Jake pressed his lips against hers in a slow, gentle kiss before pulling away. He thought back to when he’d told America - how she’d scolded him for telling her and not Anna. “She told me to tell you. Basically told me I was an idiot and that we were perfect for each other. I should’ve listened to her.”

Anna: While he's brushing his fingers against his arms, Anna's body was covered in chills and the brunette closed her eyes again. She could stay in this position with him forever, and Anna would've of minded it. "Remember the first night we slept together?" Anna questioned, smiling while thinking back on that time. The women loved every minute she spent with Jake, and all the memories were coming back now. When he kissed her back once more, Anna left her lips on his for a few moments and just listened to him talk "I really am sorry, that I.. kept the scare from you. I wanted to tell you but I was just.., I was scared." Anna whispered, and then looked up at him when she heard him mention Reese's name. "We really did fuck up, didn't we? I never saw myself settling down or having kids, that wasn't until I saw you with Ramona and Gloria and I just.. I fell in love with you more and more. It scared me, but I would've wanted it." Anna bit her lips again, and pushed her hair back, planting soft kisses on Jake's chest. When he brought her forehead to rest agains his, and when he cupped her cheek, Anna smiled and laughed a little "It would've. My mom would've been over the moon if you had asked me to marry you." She laughed again, and then closed her eyes as he kissed her slowly and gently, moaning again. "Natalie said the same thing. That we were perfect for one another, do you think Mike knew that we were fooling around off set? Cause Natalie figured it out, and then I guess you told America." Anna said, and then looked at him "Can you stay the night, please?" Anna questioned, more liked begged quietly and kissed him once more on the lips. She missed his lips on hers.

Jake: “How could I forget?” He smiled as he thought back to their first time together. It hadn’t been perfect but it was definitely something he would never forget. All of his time with Anna was something that he cherished. He would never, ever forget one bit of it. All the dates, all the nights they’d stay up talking about nothing - it felt so fresh in his mind while he was laying there with her. This would be another one of those memories he wasn’t going to forget. “Hey, it’s okay,” he smiled at her, speaking with that soft voice he often found himself using around her. “I get it. We both kept things from each other. It still sucks but… it’s okay.” And, it was. Sure, it was going to play on his mind for a few days but he wasn’t angry. It was just something he had to work through to be completely okay with and he’d do that in his own time. “God, I was so in love with you. It was terrifying. I would’ve had everything with you if I wasn’t so fucked up when it comes to relationship shit.” Jake sighed, wrapping his arms around her to pull her as close to him as he could. He couldn’t get enough of having her this close to him again. “Probably. I don’t think we were very good at hiding it,” he laughed and pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “Yeah, I’ll stay.” Usually, he would’ve probably bailed if it was anyone else but there was no way he was leaving her. “You need to sleep.”

Anna: Their first night together was everything and more. Sure, she got a feeling of what their first time would be like just from working and filming with him and she was so happy that it was almost perfect. She wished so badly that she didnt screw everything up, she wished so badly that she had just told him the truth but they couldnt turn back the time. “It’s not though Jake, you had a right to know. That.., that wouldve been your baby to. I honestly don’t know if I would’ve told you if I was actually pregnant.” Anna finally admitted not only to herself but to him, Anna let out a breath and just listened to him talk. She was still confused as to why he wasn’t fighting with her but maybe it was a good thing. “I wouldve done everything with you too. I hate so much how screwed this up.” As he pulls her closer to him, Anna took another breath and contained to place soft kisses on his chest “I don’t think we were good at it either. I mean the amount of times David yelled cut during that one scene, where you wake up and pull me in close.” Anna laughed a little and then bit her lips, but then closed her eyes for a few minutes as his lips were on her forehead. When he told her he would say, the words were coming out of her mouth before she could stop “I dont... I dont think I ever stopped loving you.” Anna whispered and looked at him “I.. I was in love with Ben but.. youve always been there in the back of my mind. I never stopped..” Anna whispered, and then looked down now feeling embarrassed

Jake: Laying there with her made him miss everything they’d had. It had been so good. There wasn’t a single second of it that Jake hadn’t loved. Being with Anna had been everything to him back then. If they hadn’t been so dumb, if they’d have just told each other the things they’d been hiding then it wouldn’t be like this. They would’ve been happy together but it hadn’t worked out like that. That was the harsh reality of it. “I... just, maybe it’s not okay but there’s nothing I can say to change it. You did what you did and I did what I did and that’s it,” he shrugged his shoulders slightly. “Do we have to keep talking about it? I just wanna enjoy this moment with you before we both get brought back down to earth.” Maybe he should’ve been angry with her. Maybe he should’ve yelled at her and told her how sad and upset he was that she’d kept it from it but it’d be pointless. It’d take so much energy and Jake wasn’t the type of person to lose his temper like that anyway. He got annoyed a lot but never full on mad. Jake closed his eyes as he felt her lips on his skin. A content smile etched on his face as he listened to her talk and the smallest of chuckles passing his lips. “I’m surprised we didn’t get called out on it. It’s hard to be so secretive when you’re as crazy about someone as I were you.” As he heard Anna’s confession, his eyes shot open and all of a sudden his heart was beating fast against his chest. This would usually be the part where he’d freak out and not say anything - just completely brush off the fact that she’d said she never stopped loving him but he couldn’t. It was silent for a few minutes until Jake finally spoke up with his voice barely above a whisper as he admitted “I don’t think I ever stopped loving you either.” It was hard for him to admit but if she could say it then he could too.

Anna: He had made her the happiest, even though the two were hiding their relationship, Jake had made Anna the happiest and right now she felt happy. Sure, things were shitty with them during this situation but laying in bed with him, Anna felt happy and she felt safe. Anna wanted to figure out how to fix all of this, she wanted to figure out how to almost erase the pain and just start over with him, but maybe not wasn't the time. Letting him talk, Anna laid there and listened to him, she took a breath and sighed. "No. We don't.., we don't have to talk about it anymore." Anna whispered, and felt herself get choked up. To be honest, Anna was kind of hoping they would talk about it in a way, but there was no point and she wasn't going to force him. "I want to enjoy this moment with you too, I lo--" Stopping herself, Anna closed her eyes and shook her head. Pressing her lips to hers, hoping he didn't catch up to what she was about to say, Anna looked at him, watching him get lost within his thoughts. "I miss that set. End Of Watch was probably one of my favorite sets to be on, plus having Natalie and America with me was always a plus." Anna said, smiling she looked at him and took a breath. She shouldn't of said anything, he was quiet for a few moments and that was never a good sign. Getting frustrated with herself, Anna ran her fingers through his hair and looked at him when he opened his mouth "So what.., what does this mean?" Anna questioned, she was probably ruining this by talking to much, but all of this was killing her and confusing her.

Jake: No matter what this was always going to be something they’d never be able to forget but maybe in some weird twist of fate it would be the thing to bring them back together. Jake could see himself with Anna again but they had to be on the same page for that to happen. There was still that lingering fear there of being with someone so seriously again. He didn’t say anything instead he just laid there and listened to her talk. He had managed to catch on to what she almost might have said but he didn’t want to bring it up in case he was wrong and she was about to say something completely different. “I…” Jake started but stopped trying to think of the right thing to say. The sensible thing. He met her eyes with his and the whole thing became real again. He knew this was a question they were going to have to face after everything that had happened and was said but it didn’t prepare him any less. “I think there’s some things we have to work through. I just… I care about you a lot and so badly wish we could just say ‘fuck it let’s try again’ but it’d just be a train wreck until we’ve dealt with everything. We both need time to figure out if this is something we’d both really want, you know? It doesn’t mean the feelings aren’t there it just means we need time to be back on good terms first. I know we just had sex and this has been great,” he smiled at her but turned serious again. “But there’s still a lot of processing to do.”

Anna: It's not that she didn't trust him, that wasn't the reason why she never told him. Of course she trusted him, but back then Anna was terrified of this whole relationship becoming real. It was her first realtionship since her brake up with Edgar, and even though she thought she loved Edgar, in all reality Anna didn't. Since meeting Jake, Anna has always been in love with him and the women kind of wished this would bring them back together. As he didn't say anything, Anna knew she probably just screwed this whole thing up again and the actress took a breath and chewed on her lips, she was nervous for some reason. The moment he opened his mouth, Anna swallowed hard and cleared her throat but then looked at him, she licked her lips "You're right. I want to say fuck it and let's try again, but I.., Jake I never really talked to Aubrey about me being possibly pregnant. I mean she knew, but never really talked about it. So I think, I have to work through with the thought that I almost could've been a mom." Anna said, she felt a lump form in her throat and Anna nodded "I.., I do want this. I want this with you again, I'm just.. I don't want to fuck up like I did the last time." Kissing his lips softly, Anna pressed her forehead against his "I.., I love you and I just.., I care about you too. It's not that I didn't trust you, that's not why I didn't tell you. You're right though, that there's a lot of processing to do.." Anna said, she kissed him once more and Anna held his face, starring into his ocean eyes and Anna took a breath.

Jake: Back then if they’d have been having a conversation like this about their feelings, he probably would have ran hours ago but he’d done a lot of growing in the time that they’d been apart. He was still scared of being with someone and the whole reality of being in love but he was an adult - almost forty years old and he couldn’t run forever. His commitment issues were something he really needed to work on and he knew that. “I still have to process the fact that there might have been a possibility that I could’ve been a dad,” he frowned. It still stung knowing that she’d never told him. It was gonna take time for him to be okay with that fully. “We have to work on ourselves before we can be with each other again.” He nodded. For some reason, he was nervous - he felt on edge and that was due to the fact they were talking about feeling and relationships but when she kissed him, he felt calm even for a few seconds. He sighed, letting their foreheads touch while he cupped her cheek with one of his hands. Hearing her say she loved him sent a fury of panic through him but he shook it off. Why couldn’t he just be normal when it came to this kind of stuff? “I....” He started, finding it hard to admit it out loud because then it would be real and he couldn’t take it back. “I... love you too.” His voice was a whisper but it was loud enough for her to hear. “Let’s just... work on getting back to a good place before we give this a shot again if that’s what we decide to do. Maybe you’ll meet some other guy before we work this out properly and then I’ll have to punch him in the face but still,” he joked, trying to lighten the mood for even a second. “We’ll work through our shit, work on being good with each other and see what happens. Maybe it’ll lead us back to each other again.”

Anna: Anna knew how hard this was for him she just wished she understood a little more on why he was so scared but Anna didn’t want to bother him about it or make him talk about it. “I know baby. You.. you would’ve been an amazing dad to our kid. I.. I told you I was relieved but I was disappointed too.” Anna signed, she knew she hurt him badly just by hiding the fact that he didnt know she was almost pregnant and it bugged her so much she kept it to herself. “I know, I.. Ive been working on myself. I dont know if it’s helping or not.” She felt that he was a little off, but after they kissed Anna laid there with him for a few moments. What an idiot, she thought. The moment those three words escaped her lips, Anna knew she fucked up again. When it took him a while to answer her back, Annas face turned red and she could feel tears in her eyes “No I.., I thought Ben was the one. I thought he was it for me but I.., I think.., I think it’s you.” Anna said quietly, her eyes were filled with water but she wasn’t crying. “I hope so.” Anna said quietly, and learned in to kiss him softly “What.. what would you have done if I was pregnant?” She needed to ask, she needed to know. Anna looked at him, rubbing her right hand on his cheek and Anna kissed him softly

Jake: Jake really did love love. He thought it was beautiful especially if you had the real thing but he’d seen people around him give their everything only to be hurt. He’d even gone through it himself so the idea of giving himself to someone so completely again scared him. But, this was Anna. This was someone he trusted and did love her. He would just have to try and get over having difficulty saying it. If they were to make this work ever again he didn’t want him to ruin it because of that. “You would’ve been a great mom. It just....obviously wasn’t our time.” He heard her sigh and sent a comforting smile her way. He didn’t want her to feel bad about it. “I just want you to be happy by yourself before you’re happy with me.” He leaned over to press a gentle kiss against her lips. “I’m sorry that it’s so hard for me to admit things to you. I wish it wasn’t but just know that when I do say things, I really mean them. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t. I love you, Anna. Even if you drive me absolutely insane sometimes.” Hopefully that would put her at ease a little bit. He wanted her to know that what he was saying was real and he did mean it even if it came out forced. It wasn’t her, it was him as cliche as that sounded. At her question, Jake met her eyes and without a beat he answered almost instantly. “I would’ve asked you to marry me without a doubt.”

Anna: She was in love twice, once with Edgar and once with Ben but clearly those relationships didn't work out for her own fucked up reasons. Anna however, did fall in love with Jake while they were together and it pissed her off so much that she didn't say it to him those many years again. She wanted to try this with him again, if Anna was being completely honest with herself, Anna wanted to re-try their relationship. "Thank you." Was all Anna could say, the women never cared for kids and the fact that she had a scare just freaked her out, and the thought of her becoming of mom did to. Seeing him smile, Anna bit her lips and pressed her forehead against his, their naked bodies still pressed up against one another. Anna didn't want this moment to be over, she wanted to stay here for a while. "I.., I am happy Jake. I'm.., still working on myself and I'll probably be working on myself for the rest of my life." Anna admitted, and then looked at him as he leaned in to press a kiss against her lips. She smiled within the kiss, and rubbed her thumb over his cheeks "I know babe, I love you too. I'm.., I wish I would've said it when we were together. I'm saying it now though because I.., I never stopped falling in love with you." Anna swallowed hard and got all choked up, kissing his cheek, Anna got lost within her thoughts for a few moments before remembering she had asked him an important question, and Anna felt tears falling down her cheeks "Jake..." She said all choked up, and then looked at him all choked up. Anna loved him.

*FINISHED

#{paragraphs}#{chatzys}#{chatzy: 1}#{walls}#{7-14-19}#{jake gyllenhaal}

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tumblunni · 5 years

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The cafe at the hotel + a nice meal WITH TERROR LURKING

I specifically asked for no peas because peas are a problem for me with my autism but OH WELL I GUESS PEAS and i was too embarassed to ask the damn chef to take it back and like..bin everything that touched the peas.

Its so fuckin stupid i feel like such a child

BUT

I know its really fuckin dumb but i feel really accomplished to say this is the first time i have ever finished a plate of peas without throwing up.

Its my fuckin weirdest brain problem, i get really oversensitive to some textures and its the height of extreme embarassment whenever it happens. I wish so fuckin much that it was something i got over when i grew up, it sucks to be a full grown adult and still get an involuntary gag reflex and full on pulse racing panic just from your tongue touching ONE PEA IN A THING. (Also sweetcorn cos its similar in texture)

And all the years of my childhood being told i was 'just being picky' and somehow making up being sick and just getting slapped and given more goddamn peas to train me out of it. Well all that ever accomplished was getting me to panic at the mere sight of the things and have to compulsively pick them out and pick out everything that touched them like man i cant even eat a thing that looks like it was near a pea!!!!

BUT HOLY HELL IVE FINALLY CRACKED IT IVE FINALLY CONQUERED MY STUPIDEST GODDAMN FOE

Not by 'just manning up' and doing it again and again until something changes. No, turns out this entire time i could have just made a really minor change to avoid the cause of the freakout. Cos this is actually the first time ive tried MUSHY PEAS

Yes, the epitome of cliche boring british person food was actually the solution all along???

See it was entirely a texture thing, and when theyre mashed up it just doesnt do anything at all. This is actually my first time even knowing what peas actually taste like! I cant believe my friggin PEA JITTERS were so strong i never even registered one percent of wtf they taste like. They taste like nothing?? Like just..generic vegetable. Slightly vinegary i guess. (Or do they put vinegar in mushy peas?) I still dont like them but i dont hate them either, and more importantly they dont destroy my entire frontal cortex with The Terror Sweats

So i was able to eat all those peas and now i know the secret technique to eat all peas for the rest of time! And it was a super easy thing that my parents could have done for me with minimal effort and saved all that trouble if they just actually listened to me all those years ago. I cant belueve i was so locked into the whole 'its your fault you have to keep trying you cant try doing it another way' mindset that i never simply squashed the pea under my fork and tried to see if it was better...

Though it still wasnt exactly easy, i had to try and eat this stuff while not actually looking at the peas cos itd make my stomach churn just thinking about them. I think i can get past that gut reaction eventually if i keep eating them in Safe Non Anxiety Form and like..rewire my brain to see this as a New Food instead. I dunno. Maybe put food colouring so they arent green?

It sucks that i have to go to such weird lengths to deal with my brainweirds but im just glad to have figured something out so i dont have to embarass myself again.

Most of my other touch-based sensitivities are stuff i can deal with like just not being able to deal with those outer ear headphones puttibg pressure on the back of my head or also hats that are too tight. I think it actually might be part ptsd from how my mum used to pull me by the back of my head. My support workrr touched me on my shoulder near the back of my neck the other day and i had such a spike of panic but i felt too embarassed to tell her about it. Like she was just tapping me to get my attention but its just..just please dont. And aside from that im also working on my big taste sensitivity to mint and bitter stuff. Today i had a lightly bitter green tea boba and i feel so grateful to my buddy for helping me find one tea i can handle! And ive found that i can deal with mint if its mixed with a second thing thats equally as strong. I tried this mint and pepper drink that sounded like itd be awful but it was actually amazing how it cancelles out the mint entirely! So i dunno should i buy some of that novelty spicy chewing gum and chew a stick of that along with the mint stuff? I have a low tolerance for spice but its not like an overstimulation thing its just regular having white guy tastebuds lol. Id much rather have a burning hot tongue than a burning hot brain!

I will slowly but surely find out a way to deal with all of my things!! Even if i cant ever get rid of them i can find a way to live with them, ykno?

Also i need to try and buy a fidget toy, i need to stop being too embarassed about that. My friend i met today is also autistic and she has a chew ring and im like WHOA i wish i could get over my anxiety enough to do that! Chewing on stuff is my biggest damn stim, i would destroy all my pens and pencils and chew bottlecaps so long they ended up as rubber, not to mention how much i wreck my nails and get so many cuts all over my hands whenever i get nervous. But it just seems like chewing on stuff is seem as the most immature type of autism symptom by neurotypical society. so im stuck too ashamed to buy the stuff actually designed to help us and instead i just keep doing it anyway and still embarassing myself but like also with a choking risk. I still remember when i accidentally choked on a coin and my dad spent the entire time i was in the emergency room making fun of me for it and saying i was a burden on the nhs for getting hospitalized and like..taking resources away from real problems. And how i was childish and r-worded and etc etc cant ever survive on your own cant ever be a fully sentient human being

Gahhh this has been a long tangeant but anyway this is why autism awareness and acceptance is good and also why you shouldnt make fun of people who have the 'weird version' of symptoms. Im not choosing to do this, seriously im way more upset by it than you are...

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cannibaldeerdoe · 3 years

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Romance is dead.

"She is probably using him." Was the first sentence out of his mouth. It had slipped out as he starred blankly into his latte as it swirled casually around the espresso and whipped cream in the cup. His friends, Audrey and Stella, Both had their jaws a gap.

To which Darnell simply shrugged nonchalantly, sipping coolly at his drink.

He glanced left, then right at both of his dear friends. A bored expression plastered on his face before he set his drink down, the sleeves of his dark over sized hoodie shuffling over his knuckles as the drink was set.

Darnell had short cut black hair, thick curls at the ends near his neck where he felt he may need to get a haircut sometime in the near future. Long bangs pushed out of his eyes as green eyes took in the shocked expressions of his friends once more before deciding to finally speak up.

"What?" He stated so plainly, " I was pretty sure you were use to this by now. " He stated plainly.

The girl's had been gossiping about a college campus romance unfolding. They had seemed like the most typical couple in the world, boy meets girl, they start doing casual stuff around campus, holding hands, walking to class, ect, ect. Darnell has seen this sort of thing at least a dozen or so times before.

It always ended the same. Heart break. Either after a month or two they faded apart, or one cheats on the other, or the other gets dissatisfied by the fact they only want such and such items. Petty stuff that was enough to ruin anyones mood.

This time though, The guy had left a bouquet of flowers on her desk with a note. She later came back with a red blush on her face.

He had apparently surprised her with some sweets in her locker next, ending with a request to an amusement park. after only a year of dating it seemed he finally proposed. She had yet to give her answer yet. Though, according to his friends, she was a fool to say no to such a romantic gesture.

"No. Dont you see? He obviously figured out she was the perfect fit for him. " Stated Audrey, resting her chin on her palm as she stuck out her puffy lips. Her perfect dark skin seeming to meld well with the lighting drifting in through the window they were seated beside.

"You typically need a few years and living together to know that"

"Maybe he just knew, y'know, like a soul mate or something. " Stated his other friend, Stella stated, her brunettes' locks hanging low as he rested her elbow on the counter. Her gold hooped earrings shinning as they interacted with the sun hitting the table.

"No, See, Here's how things will play out. They rush into this marriage, and after a year pop out some children. They arent prepared or ready for kids so that causes tension. They find out their views on raising kids is vastly different and they dont coordinate well. They divorce, wondering why they were ever in love in the first place. " He began to take a sip at his drink. Humming casually.

"Its so simple. Heard it a dozen times before. There is no such thing as love or romance not in the real world. " They both stared at him, their brown and blue eyes glaring him down before Audrey broke the silence.

"Yeah, Well, I hope you stay single forever with that sort of attitude!" To such an accusation, the group laughed. Cheerful fun having presented itself.

The group soon decided to depart, standing and walking down the street, the busy city gleaming and bustling with life.

Short lived romance, People arguing, Artists, dancers, office workers. It was just everyday life in this beautiful city. A city of small drama and comfortable living for young people.

It was perfect for beginnings and amazing for endings. Only issue was a lot of the time it was placed in that cold hard, cough syrup flavored reality.

They chattered and Darnell once more found himself laughing.

He had sworn he would stay single forever, because, to him romance was just something he enjoyed reading about in his spare time. It wasnt something that was real. It wasnt something that lasted. Just like his own parents. When he was a kid, they argued non-stop while swearing they were once in love.

To Darnell, Love was a spark that eventually faded. Love that lasted was usually just that. A fairy tale. One he figured he would enjoy avoiding at al cost.

Darnell paused, spotting in a window pane a book he had been in desperate need of and been eagerly awaiting the release of the next volume!

He could hardly contain such excitement, Pausing to stare into the window that showed the new released.

"I didnt even get the notification! "He exclaimed, waving hurriedly to his friends. They looked at eachother before turning to continue to walk.

"We can just meet you later." Stated Stella,

"How a romance nerd like you doesnt believe in real romance is such a god damn mystery to me."

The bell chimed delightfully and slightly annoyingly as he hurriedly opened the door to the bookshop.

Rushing over to the bookshelf behind the window case and searching frantically for where the volume might be located.

"Can I help you?" Stated a smooth voice almost like caramel from behind him.

Darnell's shoulders slumped some, he hated social interactions with strangers. He had already guessed a read on his personality before even turning to face him. Gorgeous and surrounded by women at all peaks of the hours.

"Im just looking for the book that was released in this series. "He hardly bothered to look the man in the eye.

There was an audible hum from the man as he answered Darnell's query.

"I havent quite gotten around to putting them on the shelf yet. The copies are actually still in a box just over there. I just finished with the display a few minutes ago before being dragged off by my manager." He chuckled softly, his voice sounding almost as sickeningly radiant as the bell that chimed when he strode in.

"Well why bother setting up the display if they arent--"Darnell was about to go off on this guy, who care's if he is good looking?! Yet, when his green eyes met with this guy's almost brown his heart seemed to skip. As though it were waking from a cold damp slumber and stretched its feathered wings.

What. The. Fuck. Oh no, you go back to being dead right this instant!

He swallowed, rolling his eyes and trying to look more disgruntled than what he actually was.

"Just give me the damn copy. "

He demanded, which was promptly met with a chuckle, a smile. And him bending over to reveal even better of a view.

Yeah. He was asking for heart break with this guy. Last thing he needed in his life was more heart break.

He plopped the heady hardcopy into Darnell's hands. His eyes seemed to gleam as he held his most recent favorite romance novel. It was glorious! It was just as great as everything written about it in the forums!

He slouched back into his normal mood, His lip stuck out as he avoided eye contact and held the book tightly to his chest.

"Thanks."

"No problem, I can check you out as well if you'd like. It looks like your friends may have come back for you after all." He chuckled again, waving politely to the two girls standing outside.

Why were they just watching the whole scene? Were they expecting something from all this?!

He bought his book and went about his day. His friends teasing him that the guy back there was right up his alley in every way, shape and form!

"Did you get his name?"

"Did you get his number...?"

" His names Bryan. No, Why would I even bother?" They continued their taunts. Although they all stopped suddenly in their steps, the sound of rampant feet clattering towards the group.

They had gone quite a ways from the bookstore now and were on their way home, surprised to find the handsome and bold short haired red head sprinting towards them.

He huffed, changed from his bookstore uniform. He was red in the face a large smile as he tried to play off how awkward it must have looked running towards them.

"I cant--!"He tried to say between gasps for air. "Believe I ran into you again!" He stated exasperated, "I thought about this earlier, I got so excited when I saw you again I thought it might be a good chance!" he began to dig around in his pocket, pulling out his phone.

"I notice you read romance in my mother's store a lot! I thought you might be interested in maybe coming to a book club with me. It's run by my sister. The next reading is 'What blooms in winter' A new romance story that was released by an armature novelist. "

He smiled, directing the phone screen to Darnell in particular.

"I figured I could...Get your number. It's next week. I can even stop by and pick you up by the store?"

In Darnell's mind at that moment he could heart the thrum of his heart, His friends both at a loss for words. That was basically asking for a date. Adding in some lame excuse for how he could get his number.

He rolled his eyes.

His head was screaming for a yes, yes, YES! Though he instead shoved the phone back into the guys hands. "Why in the world would I bother going to something so childish as a book club. "he snarled. Turning sharply on his heel.

"S-Sorry he--" "Stop talking to the creep!" He interrupted, Not wanting to put up with Stella's excuse.

After that, he said good bye to his friends. Hugs and cheers as they departed. He stood there in the hallway. Waiting for everyone to get to their dorms.

He stood in the silence. Looked left. Looked right.

Then he found his legs were moving on their own.

Sprinting as fast, if not faster, than he thought possible down the hallway, bursting through the doors of his apartment, back down that alley way with his sneakers noisily smacking against the loud concrete.

He turned the corner to the empty city street to see a lone man in a dark green and white t-shirt walking with his hands in his pockets.

He looked a bit forlorn to say the least and turned almost at the last minute to view a black haired, skinny pale male moving faster than he had since middle school gym.

He could barely stop, barreling towards the broad-shouldered red head. He stopped just in time before a crash course collision.

Gasping in deep shallow breaths. He couldnt dare try to say words.

They both stood there in awkward silence.

"Are you al--"He was about to ask, though Darnell very quickly grabbed for his phone from his hands. He held his breath as he rushed to type in his number and throw it back into his hands.

He still was quite breathless but now stood up straight, a scowl present on his face and turned back to walk jelly legged back to his apartment. Leaving the man to the empty street once more.

A soft chuckle being heard from him.

#writing #short stories #lgbtq+#my writing

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