#watching weekly is going to be soooo frustrating

[thatonesquintern13]

📺: the way home - season two

season one recap 🩵

episode one - the space between:

• watching the ‘previously on’ like i didn’t just spend the week recapping it

• thought this was jacob and dell but it’s just another little boy and older lady

• “it will always take you where you need to go.” 👀

• picking up where season one left off. kat and dell were literally JUST healing and now where back to murder boarding

• oh we’re just immediately jumping into the FROZEN pond

• it didn’t work!

• kat you know that’s not how it works !! just get out before you freeze!!!

• oh god now alice is in the pond

• and YEAH we’re BENEATH THE ICE

• ALICE

• KAT DONT YOU KNOW CPR

• CHEST COMPRESSIONS

• oh god alice is back okay

• so much just happened oh my god

• a note for kat on elliot’s door ):

• me and elliot squabbin the next time i see him 😤

• (did anyone else’s school use the word squab around like 2015?? 2016??)

• “if i’ve learned anything these last few months it’s the worst thing to waste is time.” i gUESS!

• now how can a dog time travel 😭 the pond is SICK for that

• “the pond is done with us, allie. we have to be done with it.” we’ll see

• they’re making a pact to stay in the present

• time jump! seven months laterrrr

• hello?? DECODE PARAMORE?!?!

• and kat is jogging through the woods like is this twilight???

• passed elliot’s (still empty) house. hayley williams is right, how did we get here 😭

• ofc kat is listening to decode she’s an emo millennial

• if you think about it this kinda is like twilight. she’s gonna jump off a cliff next probably

• dell landry: bee keeping age!!!

• where’d the horse come from? 🤨

• “hey, boy. who are you?” oh so neither of us know okay

• oh! it’s the last day of school!

• not spencer from school pulling up

• and maybe zoe from school? hard to say

• alice is leaving!? oh going to the states with brady

• “that’s the thing about shared custody, eventually you have to share.” rip /:

• ugh r*chel mention

• “i am screening your next guy! these last two, they’ve been so very disappointing.” LAST TWO!?

• oh she meant brady and elliot 😂

• “brady only disappointed in the later years. we don’t.. we don’t talk about elliot.” yeah still too soon formerly nemesis monica

• lol so new guy leaves (suspiciously 🤨) and kat is like “okay fiiine i’ll take over the herald and hire myself back!! if i must!!!”

• and good for her!

• oh someone’s died 😰

• evelyn goodwin??

• oldest member of the most prestigious (and wealthiest) family in port haven. an institution, dell says!

• linger?more?

• oh elliot has the AUDACITY to send post cards 😤

• yeah, alice you’re right to roll your eyes at him!!

• we’re getting so much landry lore!

• but also more evidence for my jacob is his own ancestor theory

• the landrys were a founding family of port haven with the aforementioned goodwins

• dell talking about HAPPY MEMORIES OF COLTON!!!! 🥹

• we’re throwing a summer partyyyy

• landry ladies kitchen dancing 🥹

• ruined! by brady calling 😤

• oh so kat and alice are on the same wavelength as me. no wonder kat knows so much about her great great whoevers

• they stuck to their word, no pond!

• “yeah, well. elliot’s not around anymore to give us those pearls of wisdom.” “when are you gonna let that go?” no, no. hold that grudge, alice.

• “elliot promised that he would always be there to help, and when we needed him the most […], he bails.” just like the avatar 😪

• can’t help but notice the herald is brighter now that new guy is gone.

• now i know brady isn’t trying to blame KAT for the shared custody thing

• are we ever gonna be introduced to rachel bc now it’s getting suspicious

• “alice is no distraction, she’s the glue” she really is huh 😭

• ooooh evelyn goodwin put the herald in her will???

• kat is going to ✨lingermore✨

• (i’m guess that’s the goodwin estate?)

• “no wonder you turned the herald into a weekly, you’re always here” okay dell kinda ate with that one 😭

• “i’m going up the hill” me: kate bush?

•but also: *eerie music change* “i’m going with you.”

• okay now i’m scared of lingermore

• oh something has Happened here…

• sorry, evelyn saved everything to open a museum and her son was just like “eh oh well. gonna sell.” ??? hate men.

• oooh but now the herald gets it all!!

• now kat has the entire history of port haven at her fingertips! finding jacob has literally never been easier.

• oh something Sinister has Happened here… 😰

• alice! step away from that pond! you promised your mother!!

• oh she’s just coming to say goodbye ):

• girl back up that’s literally how you fell in the first time!!

• oh it’s LITERALLY how she fell in the first time? the bracelet hello???

• i do enjoy that when i gasp now it’s actually stuff i am surprised about

• is dell gonna have flashbacks of her own of this place now?

• she’s just sad about evelyn ):

• you know. this was kinda how dell’s future was looking before kat and alice showed up…

• yeah how is kat supposed to get all these boxes back to the herald

• UM

• why’s this portrait look just like kat 😀

• “MY KATHERINE, 1814” HELLO

• what did evelyn know 👀

• aww the jewelry dish

• we are immediately back to kat and alice keeping secrets from each other 🫠

• she’s a runna she’s a track star 🏃🏻‍♀️

• oh! note’s gone from the door! is elliot back???

• omg he’s back

• “well kat landry!” “oh… elliot augustine…” okayyyy

•god, kat might as well have just said “you look hot” that would’ve been less embarrassing 😭

• (and he does, she was right.)

• why is elliot being weird

• wait. just realized this man LEFT in the MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL YEAR??? elliot there’s a TEACHER SHORT- wait they’re canadian…. is there a canadian teacher shortage??

• um but still. in the middle of the year, dawg??

• okay elliot when have you ever “imposed” on the landrys be so for real

• omg kat get up girl you are not playing it cool rn

• “i will never understand why she took elliot’s travels so hard” bc they’re besties??? (also bc that’s her stepdad but we apparently are keeping that a secret)

• dell didn’t notice that kat and alice were literally time traveling but she DID clock kat and elliot and that is, once again, so southern of her.

• “i haven’t seen you wear the bracelet in forever! i was beginning to think you lost it.” hehe about that…

• no actually WHY is elliot so… off i’m starting to not trust this… like go back to the caribbean if you’re gonna be like this

• “somebody had a glow up.” lmao rita!!

• “looks like elliot had what the kids call a hot boy summer” RITA!!!

• oh so alice didn’t know about katelliot and is really just mad bc elliot is her bestie!!!

• “and besides, there is no us, really. right?” ELLIOT YOU’RE THE BIGGEST DUMB DUMB THERE IS

• fumbled the bag

• he didn’t even say GOODBYE!? god what is with these men

• “great party, dell.” 😭😂

• “you better get out there and get a lobster before rita pilfers them all” lol okay great callback

• “[the farm] will always be here waiting for you.” 🥹

• fireworks for colton 😭😭😭😭

• flashbacks for everyone 🥺

• i miss colton landry

• ugh how long are kat and elliot going to pretend they don’t love each other

• alice is connecting dots

• colton and baby elliot 🥺 the club house is always there for him to have a space 😭

• “don’t waste any time, kid. because it’s never guaranteed.” and elliot thought that was a joke?? i-

• *branch snaps* “did you hear that?” WHO CAME BACK 🫵🏽

• “i saw that look between you and elliot. are you two together?” alice you’re far too late

• alice you didn’t ruin anything, sweetie 😭

• kinda rude that i grew up an hour from the beach and never went to a summer bonfire beach party in high school. (i didn’t go to parties in hs who am i kidding)

• oh! we’re being haunted by our past! cool.

• an elliot mixtape!!! IN THE CLUBHOUSE

• aww elliot’s here.

• with a STRONG candian ‘sorry’

• oh they met alice after the last summer cookout… interesting

• i thought “traveling” was a euphemism. but he actually meant time traveling lol

• “i’m sorry i didn’t say goodbye. i just knew if i saw you, i wouldn’t go.” OKAY AND WOULD THAT HAVE BEEN SO BAD

• just sitting on the bed nothing crazy

• SCREAMING !!!!!

• grey’s anatomy training 😏

•making out with all for you playing in the background. gonna cry actually.

• elliot apologizing right away 😭 okay there’s the awkward guy i missed

• “i’m not your problem anymore” WHY WOULD SHE SAY THATTTTT

• ALEXA, PLAY EXHILE BY TAYLOR SWIFT

• the sad part is, they could just go right back to how they were. like elliot is so willing to be that sounding board for kat.

• but. he blew it. super hard. complete buffoonery.

• “welcome home.” damn she’s cold

• baby nick!!!

• ugh elliot was gonna make his move RIGHT before kat met brady 😭

• so i guess spencer from school and zoe from school are??? no more???

• alice is still hung up on nick 😭 girl he’s old let it gooo

• why are they making her sing rn

• now look you’ve made her get stage fright again. (it’s definitely not the ghosts of her mother’s past coming to haunt her…)

• kat and dell finally getting the mother daughter relationship they deserve??

• is the house called lingmore or lingermore… i need to look this up

• the subtitles are telling me lingermore. dell’s accent is just thick lmao

• oh! see, dell thought evelyn reminded her of herself too.

• “i wanna build back our relationship. i wanna get to know you again.” yup yup yup 🥹

• kat has also noticed that dell is talking about colton and jacob in a positive light now

• “no more regrets, only resets” dell would kill on facebook

• ugh, i know Something is going to happen and it’s gonna ruin everything we accomplished in this scene

• um why are we back at the “did you hear that” scene 😰

• WHO IS THAT!?!?? 🫵🏽

• colton???? new guy?????? JACOB!?!?!?

• oh my god

• the blurry polaroid!!

• alice and kat sharing their secrets! season of healing!

• kat don’t let her manipulate you like this!

• okay or do. whatever.

• wait elliot send that text 😭 you gotta be the one to fix this, dude.

• neighbor!? who is this man???

• they better not be trying to give dell another love interest 😤

• could be elliot’s dad tho? but i doubt it

• suspicious buyer of the neighboring farm????

• the new buyer isn’t going to lease the fields sooo what does that mean 😅

• dell is going to be losing money?

• AND WHOSE HORSE IS THIS

• don’t tell me that horse jumped in the pond 🤧

• mother daughter pond jump 🤪

• “it’ll take us where we need to go” what could go wrong! 😀

• BABY ELLIOT!?

• has present elliot been LYING to present kat this whole time??????

• if i got sent to 1814- hold up who is that

• not the gun

• HELLO

• grey’s anatomy training (dying in a horrific way)

• um. okay 😀

fin.

[caruliaa]

wahhhhhh okay once again i stayed up late doing random shit gavshsja looking forward to being tired tmrw lmaooooo also i just found out that we're going on a daytrip to like another state on saturday which??? in theory fun but in reality i am so tired i just want to be lazy all weekendddd -____- at least ill be back sunday tho since it is a daytrip..... but anyway i do rlly rlly need to rest up now so !! i will be going to sleep but first i want to say that oughhhh i really do love you sososoo muchhhhhh darling like you are such an amazing increddible friend to me and just so understanding and sweet and thoughtful and gooodd and you make me feel soooo loved and care for and safe and that means sooo much to meee!! and i hope you know just how wonderful of a prescence you are in my life and how u bring me sm hoy and brightness and happiness smmm and i just love knowing youu smmmm and im so grateful to and for you and you are just suchhhh an incredible amazing good personnn !!!!!!!!! and yeah i just care abt u smm and i love you soooo muchhhhhh (hugs you gnighttt !! if u want ofc!!iluuuuuuu💕💕🫶🏻🫶🏻💕💕💕🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻💕💕💕💕💕🫶🏻💕💕💕)

yea i get tht sm esp bc well i also do that always every day FGHDHDF and omg yea the daytrip thing is rly frustrating i feel when ur rly tired nd wanted to relax on the weekend im rly sorry tht thts smth u have to do -__- esp since it wld have been rly nice to start cs weekly watching it 2gether (not to make it abt me ofc) but i hope its not too tiring and that you got some good rest last night despite the late bedtime and can get some good rest tonight too love !!! and ough omg ur so so sweet beloved ;; !! i hope you know that youre such an amazing friend to me too dearest you really are !! like just. youre always so so kind and thoughtful and understanding and caring to me and i know that youre always here for me through everything and i hope you know that that really does just mean everything to me and just makes me feel soso loved and cared for and safe and warm with you dearest !! :'> and i hope you know that im really soso glad that i can be the same to you dearest beucase you really do deserve it so so much and also just becuase i really do just want to soso much dearest because you really are just such such such a wonderful dear special person to me and really do just want to be a good friend to you and support and care for you and help make your life better and happier so i just really am so so glad that i can dearest and i hope you know that you really do just bring so os much joy and light and happiness and light and comfort into my life and i really am soso lucky to know you love i really really am, i love you so so much luce <3 *hugs you back rly rly close if thts okay !!!* 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

[metalbuckaroo]

Company Party

Summary// Bucky approaches you at a company party

Warnings// smut, unprotected sex, cursing, this is pretty mild compared to what’s to come

AU// mafia!bucky x f!reader

Note// these gifs make me think soooo much of mafia bucky that it hurts. So excuse me while I go on a rampage with them.

18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI

You could feel the eyes on you the entire night. The slate blues searing into you from where he was talking to your boss on the opposite side of the crowded room, lingering lower before lifting again to meet your burning face. A smirk tugging the corner of his mouth as he lifted the fragile glass to his lips.

His left hand in the pocket of his slacks that fit snug around thick thighs as he sat the glass on a nearby table. Taking smooth steps in your direction as a coworker droned on about the problems he’d been having in the workplace.

“Are you even listening?” Your coworker said snapping his fingers in front of you as you nodded, inhaling a sharp breath as Bucky stepped in front of you. His irises nearly swallowed by blown pupils.

“Mr. Barnes-“ you went to give him a smile and he shook his head. “It’s Bucky outside of anything business related. Can I steal you for just a moment?” His eyes trailed down to the exposed skin of your chest before flitting towards your coworker who took a couple steps back. “Yeah, of course.”

Bucky nodded his head towards the armchairs that were unoccupied in the corner, taking two champagne glasses from a nearby tray as he walked towards them with you in tow.

“Remember when you shot me down on going for coffee?” He said, clearing his throat lightly as he leaned back against the upholstered chair.

There wasn’t a way to forget it.

A day the office had been busier than usual, including the weekly meeting Bucky had with your boss. His usual stop at your desk ending in a much more awkward way than usual.

Files stacked to your chin when he sprung the coffee offer on you, expecting a yes from the prior conversations that were shared on his way in and out of the building. His eyebrows creasing together in confusion when it turned out to be a frustrated no.

“Um, yeah.” You muttered, looking down at the rising bubbles in you glass to avoid his gaze.

A deep chuckle rumbled from his chest as he rubbed a hand over his stubbled jaw, shaking his head lightly. “I’m not mad, just- curious.”

Letting out a breath, you looked back to him. “I was wondering if I could ask again.” He suggested, leaning forward slightly, darkened blues staying trained on you. “Wouldn’t hurt anything.” You shrugged, giving a light smile.

“Then how about-“ he inhaled a deep breath, wetting his lips as he thought over what he was going to say. “I take you to dinner tomorrow night. Restaurant of your choice.”

Bucky watched the way your eyes danced back and forth in thought before you nodded. A ghost of a smile barely curling the corners of his mouth. “Perfect.”

What felt like hours passed of talking with Bucky, the two glasses of champagne abandoned on the side table as he cleared his throat lightly. “You know, there’s a perfectly private office upstairs. With a door that locks.”

Trying not to nod too eagerly, you stood to follow behind him. No one realizing that the two of you had walked up the stairs and made your way to the large door that led to your bosses office. Bucky’s hands immediately going to your waist the moment the door was shut and locked.

The kisses started as careful nips, almost as to test the waters before deepening. Breaths being shared and hands gripping clothes until he grasped your waist to hoist you onto the desk. Slotting his thick body between your thighs as he shrugged his blazer off, teeth grazing and nibbling the skin of your neck and shoulder as your fingers worked at the expensive leather of his belt.

“If someone walks in?” You questioned as his hands slid up your outer thighs to hook his fingers in the waistband of your underwear. “No one will.” He hummed against your skin, rocking his hips forward when you tugged his zipper down.

“Someone’s gonna catch us.” You exhaled, letting your eyes close briefly to soak in the feeling of his lips against your skin and light stubble scratching at your collarbone.

His movements suddenly stopped, lifting his head to look at you with furrowed eyebrows. “Do you want me to stop?”

You swallowed thickly, shaking your head. “No…”

A cocky grin spread across Bucky’s face as he leaned forward again, catching your lips in his and guiding your underwear off. Holding the backs of your knees to pull you closer to the edge before shuffling his slacks down.

Your breath caught in your throat when you felt his swollen head gliding through your folds. Slick coating the silky skin as he started to ease in with a guttural groan, slowly filling you to the brim with shallow thrusts until he was fully seated in the warmth of your cunt.

“Fuckin’ tight-“ Bucky exhaled, gently rolling his hips to elicit breathy sounds from you. Slowly picking up the pace until he found a rhythm that had you biting back moans as he huffed out breaths.

Your hands gripped at the sleeves that covered metal and flesh biceps, mind so dizzy from the fullness and anticipation that bubbled in your lower belly that you couldn’t do much more than whine and moan with every roll of his hips. Bucky’s hands groping at your chest as he sucked a light mark to the dip of your shoulder.

“Milkin’ me so damn good, sugar.” He huffed out, pressing impossibly deeper to hit the sweet spot deepest in your walls that had stars littering your vision and heat sprouting in your veins. His lips ghosting along the side of your neck as his thrusts started to lose rhythm. “There you go- so perfect.”

“Bucky-” you choked out, wrinkling the fabric of his shirt sleeves in your fists as you rode your high with the shorter thrusts. “Wan’ me to fill you up, sweetheart?” He panted, lifting his head to look at you as he held your cheeks in metal fingers. “Yes- please, Bucky.” You whined, tightening your legs around his waist as his hips pressed flush to yours. Lips crashing to yours in a smothering kiss as he spilled into you with a low groan. His fingers digging into your cheeks.

Slowly pulling away, Bucky pressed a brisk kiss to your lips with a satisfied hum. “Make sure you’re ready by six tomorrow evening.”

[mariana-oconnor]

Weekly Word Count

This week has been a week of starting again and again and again. Which will absolutely be clear in the word counts below.

I have three more prompts to write, and after that I really do need to get on with all the other stuff I want to write, so this is officially the end of me accepting prompts for now. Thank you for all the ideas and the opportunity to take a little break, but I'm going to finish the ones I have and then get back to the bigger projects.

I actually had to start a new Google Doc for the prompts because the old one was soooo slow. I would type a sentence and then watch as Every. Individual. Letter. Came. Up. Like. This. It was painful.

Other than that, not a lot to report, writing-wise. I kept starting ficlets and going 'nope, that's not how this prompt goes' and starting again, which is frustrating, but way better with something that's 3000 words long than it is with something 100,000 words long. y'know.

Anyway.

Word Counts

Prompt Ficlets - 20,206 words

Winterhawk Fake dating - 14,870 words

Medieval AU - 5,336 words

CB's Birthday fic - 11,736 words (This has now gone completely off the rails)

Other random ficlet - 159 words

Total Word Count - 32,101

So yeah, as you can see, the words I wrote do not line up with the words I posted. I have so many false starts. But I firmly believe that the villain in my fake dating fic is better than the first version I had in which the villain was a telepathic and technopathic alien posing as an apartment building and calling itself Yeetseeker on the dark web. No, I'm not joking.

And @kangofu-cb, I'm meeting some of what you asked for. Just... I'm going to go back and add more smut to try to distract you from all the parts that are actually kind of the opposite of what you asked for. Whoops.

And onto my priorities for this week. Which are pretty much the same as last week because I got more prompts 🤣 Hence why I am now closing prompts because this could just turn into an endless cycle.

Priority List

Finish CB's fic. (This shouldn't take long, as long as my smut muse is feeling helpful)

3x Tumblr prompts (Thirst tumblrs, The many interruptions of Bucky Barnes, and the pining prince)

FWB FIC! Seriously, this is already past ridiculous. I need to do this.

Witch!Bucky fic.

[gongju-juice]

GOT7 as Types of Yandere

Warnings: Yandere stuff duh

Jaebum

-Belongs as the leader of a street gang

-You are the daughter of a popular politician

-First saw you at a campaign party where your father and your family made an appearance

-Decided right then the greatest heist he could ever pull is stealing you from your father

-Tried to be “peaceful” about it at first by attempting to get your number over a round of drinks

-You recognized his face from the national news and kindly told him to fuck off

-In retaliation, he fired into the air and got everyone’s attention 

-He told them that you were his mistress

-Of course, you tried to plead for your innocence. Nobody believed you.

-He ripped you from the scene and threw you in his black and silver helicopter that waited for him on the rooftop of the skyscraper

-Has a corruption kink

-Wants to tattoo his name across your body but he’s not sure if that’ll mess up the view of your pretty skin or not.

-Threatens to kill your family members/friends when you misbehave

-Has goons and guards that follow you around and know your every move

Mark

-Is your average college kid doing parkour and failing exams

-First saw you walking from your class one lazy morning, books tucked under your arm

-Followed you around campus, quiet as a mouse. Memorized your weekly schedule so that he knew what time you went to school, when you went to work, and when you finally got home in the evenings

-Would break into your apartment on the days he couldn’t see you so he could catch your scent

-You finally caught him as you came home one night after you came home from work.

-He was sitting there, arms crossed, as you walked in the room. You tried to run for the door, you tried to use your phone—but the door wouldn’t open and your phone wouldn’t turn on.

-Turns out, he is a master hacker in disguise. He had programmed your entire apartment to respond to his command: all at the touch of his watch.

-Would never hurt you but constantly punches his fists against the wall until his knuckles are dripping in blood

-Is actually pretty chill unless you try to leave him. He can see everywhere you go and anything you do. You cannot escape him.

Jackson

-Is a hot celebrity icon who everyone adores and can’t take seriously

-First saw you at his fan meet. You actually were one of his fans.

-He had his company staff take you backstage and tie you up in ropes and duct tape. The next thing you knew, you were hurtling down China’s busiest interstate in black SUV.

-Finds you so cute and adorable. Can’t ever keep his hands off you. He must have you. You had to be his woman.

-Will actually bring you out in public with him. But if you try to call him out or escape, he’ll make you seem crazy, thus garnering support—quite the opposite effect you’d hope for.

-Hates when you misbehave because he feels that as the “daddy,” he must discipline you harshly. Says that it pains him immensely and will even punish himself because he feels he didn’t do his job well in training you.

-Wants to get you pregnant soooo bad. He thinks if he can give you a child, you will finally accept him.

-Has sudden mood switches where one moment he is the giddy, normal Jackson, and the next moment he is an unstable demon. In these moments, it’s best to do exactly what he says and prepare for a long night. 

Jinyoung

-Is the successful son of the top prosecutor in Seoul—is a lawyer and a part-time detective

-Is also beloved by the public, government, and the general crowds

-Solves brutal murders, class-one robberies, and puts high-profile criminals in jail just about everyday

-Has connections to literally every person in power in South Korea and Asia in general

-First saw you when doing detective work at a bar down in Gangnam

He decided then that he needed you—he could take out all his frustration on you. After all, seeing all the gore and sin that he did was bound to get to him. 

-He believes it is his right to own you.

-Reported you missing and launched an “investigation”

-”Concluded” you’d committed suicide by jumping into the Han River—even produced a body that looked just like you

-You once escaped from his luxurious penthouse and ran to the police station. 

-When you got there, the police made you wait in the back. You thought they were protecting you. Fifteen minutes later, Park Jinyoung himself showed up to collect his precious jagiya. The authorities are in on it too.

-Basically made you completely disappear from the world

-Would not hesitate to slap you and show you his authority if you disrespect him

BamBam

-Is a Thai Prince. He is second-line to the throne after his sickly older brother.

-Nobody questions his authority which is why he is quite spoiled and can do whatever he wants

-First saw you at his birthday party. Despite all of the gold and designer clothes waiting to be open on the present table, he wanted you.

-His servants drug you off to his royal chamber where you were pampered beyond degree. 

-If a man looks at you, they will be killed mercilessly (if he has not given them permission to look at you first)

-Dresses you up in the finest silks, fabrics, and jewelry. You are his doll to spoil, and your clothes must match his to show that he owns you.

-Got rid of his harem because you are the only one he desires

-You once tried to argue for your freedom one day at the Supreme Court. Turns out there is a law that allows the royal family to kidnap and keep anyone they please to their own disposal.

-Likes to fuck you while diamond necklaces hang from your neck.

Yugyeom

-Was an emotionally unstable patient at a psychiatric hospital.

-You were his Psychiatrist and primary physician.

-He fell in love with you because of your maternal-like personality and gestures of kindness.

-He crafted a master plan in order to snatch you away from the hospital and keep you hidden away in an abandoned mansion

-Threatens to kill himself anytime you try to escape or misbehave

-You are his noona (even if he is older than you lol)

-Is schizophrenic and sees you doing things when nothing has actually even happened.

-Refuses to take his medication if he thinks you are being dishonest with him. Is eternally paranoid that you will leave him one day so he literally never leaves your side.

-Is very sweet when he’s not currently experiencing a crisis. Will bring you flowers or make you cake. 

-Expects you to make breakfast, lunch, and dinner and feed him like a child.

-Has manipulated you so far by threatening you with double suicide if you don’t comply. 

Youngjae

-Actually seemed pretty normal and harmless at first. That was your first mistake.

-He has the worst temper and is the most obsessive man under the guise of those cute cheeks.

-Will straight up lock you in his apartment for weeks on end when he gets “probable cause”

-You used to walk his dogs when he went out for work in the daytime.

-He asked you out on a date, and for three months, you were the happiest couple.

-Then the switch came. You stared at the waiter too long at his favorite restaurant, and he lost it. 

-You didn’t leave his bedroom until a week later.

-He calls your dogs your “kids” and will manipulate you into thinking the dogs are really against you. . .

-And they are. He has trained Coco to bark non-stop if you get within ten feet of the door.

-Has shattered your phone on multiple occasions and gets furious if you get any messages while he is next to you

-Sometimes forgets how cruel he really is. Doesn’t remember punishing you for weeks on end. It’s like his mind completely wipes the bad memories from his mind.

[haikyuusimp91]

Promises

Soooo I’m feeling a bit emotional, and thought I’d get it out this way. And then, my first fic was born. Please be kind. 🙏🏽🙏🏽 

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Seventeen years. Six thousand two hundred and five days. That’s how long you’ve known each other. You met your best friend when you were both toddlers. Your mothers were best friends in college, and when your family moved back to Miyagi, you got your first best friend, Iwaizumi Hajime. 

Reminiscing on your past memories, there are few memories that don’t include Hajime. Both childhood homes are littered with pictures of you both from diapers through college with a few recent shots sprinkled in, but pictures of the both of you together became rarer and rarer as you got older. As you look throughout your parents’ living room, your eyes fondly land on a picture of you, Hajime, and Oikawa Tooru, the chaotic drama queen of your trio. The three of you were about ten at the time and inseparable. 

“Iwa-chan,” Tooru teased, “don’t be jealous [Y/N]-chan is better than you.” The brunette girl laughed hysterically at the memory of scoring a point against Hajime--whose face so clearly crinkled in frustration. 

“I’m not jealous, dummy,” retorted Hajime with a huff and a swat at the back of Tooru’s head. 

The three of you were walking towards the gym doors where your parents were waiting for you to finish. You were laughing and pointing at your companions who had been bickering since practice had ended. “I think you are, Hajime,” you said with a smirk. However, when you caught Hajime’s eye, you squealed and took off at a sprint before he could get the same smack to the back of your head that he had given Tooru. 

At that, it was Tooru’s turn to cackle at the spectacle as he chased after you and Hajime. When he caught up, he had to hold in his snickers because Hajime was getting scolded for trying to hit you. Catching your eye, the two of you smirked smugly at Hajime’s misfortune with matching mischievous twinkles in your eyes. 

The two of you loved causing chaos and especially enjoyed when you were off the hook for starting it all. Hajime glared fiercely at his two best friends while getting lectured for not treating his friends properly. 

When the lecture ended, the parents got the three of you to pose for a picture. You were flanked by Tooru and a grumpy Hajime. 

The picture was one of your favorites because it showed your personalities so well. Growing up, the two boys treated you like one of the guys, but you were definitely the princess of the group. You were always between the two of them, and you practically glowed when the three of you were together. The joy evident in your eyes complete with a bright smile. Tooru’s smiled from ear to ear, a volleyball at his hip—truly happy to have just played the game he loved with his favorite people. Hajime on the other hand had a straight face, stoic as always, but because you knew him so well, you saw the happiness in his eyes from being with his friends and playing volleyball. 

With a sigh, you continued your walk to your childhood bedroom and was overwhelmed with nostalgia. You could practically see your two childhood best friends as soon as you breached the doorway—Tooru on your bed leaning up against your headboard and Hajime at your desk chair absentmindedly swinging from side to side. The frame on your nightstand caught your eye, and your heart clenched at the memory. 

“We did it!” You exclaimed, swinging your arms around your best friends’ waists.   

Hajime, eyes sparkling with excitement, ruffled your hair before teasing, “Of course, we did. Shittykawa over here is the only surprise.” He pointed at Oikawa making you laugh loudly at Oikawa’s indignant face. 

“Iwa-chan!” The former captain whined. “So mean!” His pout quickly dissipated as he joined in his best friends’ laughter.  

Overwhelmed with a mix of anxiety and excitement of what comes next and the realization that you were all going your separate ways, you grasped both of their hands tightly and asked, “Do you remember our promise?” 

Tooru’s eyes widened in surprise at the grasp on his hand before softening at the look in your eyes. “Of course. Nothing’s going to change. That’s what FaceTime is for, chibi-chan.” He squeezed your hand tightly in an effort to comfort you, knowing that the upcoming weeks were going to be tough. The three of you had never been apart for long. 

“Haji-kun?” You asked your stoic best friend, tugging on his hand lightly. 

“Like I really have a choice. My mom has practically adopted you at this point, dummy.” He responded with a flush, not comfortable with having such a soft moment in public. 

“I can’t believe that in a couple weeks you guys are going to be leaving me. I’m gonna be here in Japan without you.” Eyes glossy, you looked up at both of your best friends. “But we love each other, and that’s all that matters.” 

Before either boy could respond, your parents called for the three of you to get together for the last picture at Aoba Johsai. Your arms around both of your boys, and theirs around you—smiles adorning all three of your faces. 

That was one of the last memories you had together—well, carefree and happy together. Two weeks after that picture, you couldn’t hold back your tears as you helped both of your best friends pack up their rooms and prepare for their moves across the world. 

Hajime moved to California to study and eventually become an athletic trainer. Funnily enough, his mentor ended up being related to the one person Hajime and Tooru could never beat in volleyball. You smile softly at the memory of that particular discovery. Hajime graduated and even became the athletic trainer for the Japanese National Team, and you were so glad that he was back in Japan again. The two of you maintained a strong relationship during university despite the difference, and you were able to pick up right back where you left off when he left after graduation especially considering the both of you were in Tokyo (not that you had much of a choice because our moms continue to be best friends to this day). However, the same could not be said for your relationship with Tooru. 

Tooru pursued his professional career in Argentina, and honestly, you couldn’t be more proud of him. You experienced all of his ups and downs, his devastation of never achieving his dream of going to beating Shiratorizawa and attending Nationals. The fact that he led the Argentinian National Team in the Olympics was proof of his hard work and dedication. You knew that he’d get success wherever he went, and you’re glad he’s happy. But this was not how you thought it would go. Never in a million years did you think that you’d be watching his successes from a distance, you thought—however naive that thought had been—that you and Hajime would be there next to him. 

It’s been years since the three of you were last happy together, and your heart dropped into your stomach as your eyes scanned the multitude of pictures while your mind fast forwarded through all of the memories with your trio—turned duo. There was hardly a big moment in your life where you didn’t have them both, one at each side, but in recent years, your contact with Tooru steadily decreased. 

He began missing your weekly FaceTime dates. He gradually stopped reaching out and responding to your group chat, and eventually, it was like he was a stranger. However, you couldn’t just allow him to slip through your fingers. How many people can really say they’ve kept the same best friends since childhood? It was worth it to you. . .  

You were nearing your graduation of university and were talking to Hajime excitedly because you had just landed an interview for your dream job, and he had told you that his move back to Japan was timed to allow him to be there for your ceremony. You had been tidying up your apartment when you noticed that the phone line had gotten silent. “Haji-kun?” You asked—not knowing that your life was about to get flipped upside down. 

_“Have you talked to Oikawa lately?” The former ace responded slowly.__ _

Your brow furrowed at the question as you thought back to the last time you had spoken to him. “I mean, it’s been awhile. His birthday probably, but you know it’s difficult with the time difference and all. Besides, he’s so busy playing professionally. I’m so proud of him.” 

“So you don’t know,” Hajime breathed out. 

_Completely confused and beginning to get upset, you inquired, “Don’t know what?”__ _

“He made it on the Argentinian National Team . . .” responded Hajime, trailing off. 

_ __“What?” You excitedly said. “I**  always ** knew he could do it! . . . Wait, why don’t you sound excited, Haji?” At this point, you had stopped sweeping your kitchen floor because Hajime’s tone seemed hurt. _

“He didn’t even tell us. He made it weeks ago.” 

“I’m sure he meant to. You know how he gets when he’s excited!” You tried to say with a positive note. “Besides, he has every right to be excited. I mean, this is what he’s been working for his whole life. This is a dream come true!” The phone line was silent for a long moment, allowing your anxiety to begin taking over. “Is there something else? What could he possibly have done to get this response, Hajime? Are you getting soft over there?” You teased in an effort to lighten the mood. 

“[Y/N],” Hajime seriously said, “he got married.” 

The broom in your hand dropped, and the color drained from your face. Your heart beginning to break at the thought that your Tooru-kun, your favorite drama queen, could get married and not say a word to his best friends, the people who’ve been there with him through it all. You had no idea he had even been seeing anyone let alone seeing somebody seriously. “What?” You whispered. 

“Last weekend. Shittykawa got married, and we weren’t even told.” Hajime said with a break in his voice. 

Hearing Hajime’s voice break caused an outpour of your own emotions. “He wouldn’t do that. He could never. He promised. He promised nothing was going to change! Nothing! How could he do something like this? I didn’t even know that he was seeing anyone at all let alone someone seriously, you ranted. 

“What happened? He didn’t even call. . .” Your eyes widened in realization at the fact that you hadn’t actually heard his voice in months, a few messages here and there, but no calls.  

You thought out loud, “He hasn’t called in months. He didn’t even tell us he was seeing anyone? All of the years. . .” Your voice cracked. “. . .I understand not answering every FaceTime and every text. I mean, I know can get a bit needy sometimes especially when stressed. You guys know that, which is why usually I don’t expect you guys to answer. I just want someone to listen to me whine and complain. . . But when did we grow this far apart? To where we aren’t even told that he has someone?” 

The phone line filled with a heavy silence. Hajime sighed deeply before responding, “I don’t have those answers. You’re going to have to ask him yourself.” 

You remembered the pain of the subsequent conversation with the now-Argentinian citizen. It crushed your whole being. The Tooru that you knew was someone of the past, and you barely recognized the person on the other end of the line. His lack of desire to rebuild your broken friendship broke you. Figuring out a time to talk it out on the phone was easier than you thought it would be, but you wish it hadn’t been because maybe if it was, then you could’ve lived in your little bubble a little longer.  

“I miss you. For every big accomplishment the three of us ever had, we’ve always had each other. Always. But do you know how hurt I felt hearing that not only did you make it on the Argentinian National Team—which I’m so incredibly proud of you for doing by the way—but you didn’t tell me you got married. You got married and you couldn’t tell me. ME! Your best friend. . . 

“Or at least, I thought I was. I get that we have this ocean between us now but come on. When have I ever not been there for you? I’ll answer that question for you. Never. You know . . . well, you should have anyway, that I’m a phone call away. No matter the time. Seventeen years is a long time; I thought it wouldn’t matter. I thought the distance wouldn’t matter because it wouldn’t matter how long we go without talking that we could always pick back up where we left off. I thought that you’d let me know what’s going on especially when something as big as this is happening. I know that I would have done so if I were you” You sobbed. 

Sighing, Oikawa responded, “Well, things have been a bit busy. I am a professional athlete now, [Y/N]. I’ve got to keep to my schedule, and it’s tough with the time difference with you guys. I mean, you could’ve called and checked in too, ya know. Don’t put the blame on me. The phone works both ways.” 

“The phone works both ways,” you repeat as if pondering the statement. However, as upset as you are at his absence, those words infuriated you more. “The phone! Works! Both! Ways!” You yelled angrily swiping at the tears falling down your face. “Are you kidding me? That’s your response to why you didn’t tell me you were achieving your dreams and getting married—which are both huge events in your life. You didn’t think that, despite my not reaching out to you, which is totally my bad, but you didn’t think that I’d want to know that those things are happening?! You know, I could care less for your busy schedule; I’ve been there since the beginning. Or did you forget who picked you time every time you lost? Did you forget who pulled you out of the gym before you reached your limit? I was there. I know you’re busy, but I thought that as one of your oldest friends that I deserved a courtesy call at least!” 

“I can’t believe this. Maybe, I should’ve called more, but you could’ve answered the phone or called me back. Like before this, I don’t even remember the last time I heard your voice, and I mean, it was fine. I understood due to the time difference and you being busy. But you don’t get to throw it back in my face, when I tried. . . “ Deflated, you whimper, “I tried.” 

After a long pause, Oikawa said, “Well, I don’t know what you want me to do. It’s done.” 

Your heart stopped at his words, and you immediately felt ill. “What?” you breathe.  

“It’s done. What do you want from me?” 

“What do I want from you?” You respond softly. No longer feeling like the conversation was worth it and not recognizing the person on the other line. “I wanted an apology. I wanted my best friend. But you’re right it’s done. . . This is done.”  

“Wait,” Oikawa starts quickly, “[Y/N], that’s not—” 

You never heard the completed statement. You hit “End” and felt the gravity of it all crash around you. Sobs wreaked havoc on your body as you curled up on your bed.  

It was an abrupt end to the phone call and the friendship that lasted longer than some people’s marriages. You remember the haze of the following days as you reminisced about your past memories with your best friend. The stargazing as you humored his conspiracy theories about the beyond while Hajime sat beside you guys rolling his eyes, the late night walks, the way he’d be by your side through all of the rough breakups, and the excitement that practically oozed out of his being from being on the court. After that conversation, you confided in Hajime and allowed him to pick you back up, and gradually, you thought of him less and less.  

Hajime became your sole rock. The one person you turned to in a crisis, and even being thousands of miles away did little to affect what you and Hajime meant to each other. Upon his return to Japan, you became inseparable once more. It helped that you were didn’t have any memories with him in Tokyo because it was easier to ignore the missing person.  

You scanned the pictures littering your room and sighed deeply before throwing yourself on your bed like you were an angsty teenager again. You’re back in Miyagi because your sister was graduating from Seijoh, so you made plans to meet up with your old friends and even talked Hajime into coming home for the weekend too. You had been looking forward to the trip and catching up with everyone, but there was something about being back in your old haven surrounded by memories of a certain setter that pushed you into melancholic nostalgia. With a heavy sigh, you think with watery eyes, “friendships cause heartbreaks too.” 

As you turn to lay on your side, your reverie was disturbed by a knock on your door. Whipping your head around in surprise, your eyes widened and you breathed, “Tooru.” 

“Hi, [Y/N],” Tooru said sheepishly making direct eye contact.  

Quickly turning your back to him once more, you sighed, “Can I help you, Oikawa-san?” 

At your use of his last name, he flinched and rubbed the back of his neck. “I deserve that. . . Uh, your sister let me in as she was leaving. I can’t believe how big she’s gotten. She was so—” 

“As much as I love talking about how much my baby sister has grown, I know you didn’t come here to talk about her. What are you doing here? Why aren’t you in Argentina?” You bit out, fists clenching.  

“Well, I came back cause Takeru is graduating too. Remember, they’re the same age.” He explained with a sigh. “The guys mentioned that everyone was coming back and having a mini reunion, and I knew that you were going to be there. So I came here. . .”  

You turned to look at him; your eyes critically perused the man before. While you have recognized the changes in his body from the hours spent training on TV, it was a whole other thing to see the difference in person. Gone was the scrawny teenager, a man stood before, molded by those endless hours in the gym. It wasn’t just his change in muscular or his obvious exposure to the sun that was different. You noticed the way he held himself was different—more confident, more self-assured.  

You allowed yourself to meet his eyes, and the stone wall that you constructed between you and him began to crumble when you recognized the fondness in his eyes, when you realized he was looking at you like he did before he had left you in Japan all those years ago—with a kind of softness reserved only for you, his best friend, his sister. You raised an eyebrow as you sat up with an expectant look on your face—refusing to break the silence.  

“I want to apologize,” he began. When you started to open your mouth, he rushed, “I know that this is long overdue, and I should’ve sought you out when I was here for the Olympics especially considering I made up with Iwa-chan.” 

As much as you could feel your resolve cracking, you refused to give in completely—still feeling incredibly hurt and vulnerable. I mean, he was in Japan for a significant amount of time, and he had found the time to make up with Iwa before leaving and yet couldn’t do the same for you. “You’re right. You should have.” You bit out.  

He chuckles, recognizing that you were digging your heels in. You were every bit as stubborn and spiteful as he was, maybe even more so, especially when you felt personally wronged. “You really aren’t going to make this easy for me, huh?” He walked further into your room as you adjusted to sit up to lean against your headboard. Eyes closely following his movement to your desk where his mouth quirked softly upon looking at a particular picture of just the two of you.  

“Thanks for taking me here, Tooru,” you said with a sigh leaning back on your forearms. You had been having a particularly difficult week after finding out your crush had been leading you on despite the numerous dates you went on. Ever the observant one, Oikawa noticed that you needed to get out and away, so he opted to take you on a little trip to the water because you love hearing waves crashing onto the shore. The two of you were sitting on a blanket in the sand as the sun set.  

He looked at you with his typical smug smile and poked your cheek. “Anything for my little chibi-chan.” 

Giggling, you pushed his hand away from your face. “Shut up. . . But seriously, thank you. I needed this.” 

The two of you sat side by side in silence for awhile both lost in your own thoughts before Oikawa disrupted the peace. “Yahoo, chibi-chan. Let’s take a picture! It’s golden hour after all.” The teen took his phone out of his pocket and quickly opened his camera app before leaning close to you and posing with his usual peace sign. You smiled softly before he took the picture. 

“You know, that’s probably one of the few pictures that’s just the two of us.” You state matter-of-factly. “Where is Haji-kun anyways?” 

The brunette waved his free hand saying, “I think he had do something with his parents.” 

Your phone vibrated, and when you looked at the notification, you saw that your best friend had posted the picture you had just taken. The caption reading, “Clearly the favorite, Iwa-chan.” The caption definitely resulted in a smack to the back of Oikawa’s head when the Ace had seen it—earning a laugh from you. 

Oikawa had picked up the frame the picture was in, looking at it fondly. “You know, there hasn’t been a day since I left that I haven’t missed you. I might not have gone about it all the right way, but you were right that day when you called. I was so wrapped up in my own world that I didn’t realize how I was hurting you, and then you called me out on it, and I don’t know. I just snapped. I immediately regret reacting that way. It’s just that both of you, but you especially seemed to be getting on without us . . . without me, and I just. . . I don’t know. I was hurt and thought you were happy without me, so I just saw myself out.” He sighed putting the picture back in its place and turning to face you.  

His eyes widened at the speed in which you jumped out of your bed and wrapped your arms around his waist, burying your head in his chest. “It’s okay. I forgive you.” You mumbled. “Now, hug me back, Tooru. I’ve missed you.” 

“I’ve missed you, too, chibi-chan.” He responded with a kiss to the crown of your head before wrapping his arms around you. 

You pulled back quickly and looked him in the eyes before pinching his side causing the professional athlete to yelp in surprise. “Promise never to do that again. Just pick up the phone every once in a while. I’d love to hear about your adventures and that wife of yours.”  

“I promise,” he responded quickly before squeezing you so tightly that you could barely breathe and swinging you around your room like he used to do when you were teenagers.  

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A/N: I DID IT!!! thank yewww @wickedgamesoyaoya for encouraging meeeee 

sorry if this sucks 

[onlyhereforangst]

WWR

Ok so maybe I shouldn’t call this Weekly Wednesday Reflections anymore since I’m terrible at writing it in time 🤷🏻‍♀️ granted it is Wednesday...just a week late 😅

I’m pretty sure this is my new favorite Ellick episode. After rewatching it, I’m just so- happy with it. From exploring Ellie’s range of emotions and character depth to the progress we saw in their relationship just 🥰

The opening scene already gives us SO MUCH. First, they jog as the cutest freaking married couple I’ve ever seen and this certainly is a routine because they knew to target him here. But Nick teasing her by sprinting, her struggling to keep up but giggling with each other because clearly it’s not the first time he does that little speed up thing & she’s working on getting faster because she used to hate training for marathons like- can you NOT. My heart can’t take the implications, ALSO Gibbs & McGee didn’t bat an eye that they just so happened to be jogging together in the early morning (everyone was only just leaving their house on their morning commute) so they know it’s their routine too and don’t even question it. GAH.

Flashforward to hospital scene with Ellie breaking my heart slowly. She’s clearly been crying by the red rimmed eyes, and yet also trying to hold it together to be strong for Nick & so she does the only thing she knows how to do since feelings scare her and the love of her life Nick just got hit. Ellie’s logical brain takes over as she does best (see 16x18 for reference) - when she’s dealing with emotions, all she can do is her job, it’s all that makes sense in the monsoon of feelings. She’s going to analyze every last bit of the hit & run and immediately parrot it back so that *something* can be done right away and she can find justice for Nick. She doesn’t care about her own health- just justice for Nick. And in that same vein, she doesn’t want to eat, she doesn’t want to rest, she doesn’t want to sit down until she knows Nick is okay (I’m sorry but to have a CODE NAME from the nurses because they feel the need to run from you- can you say “Crazy Worried Wife™️”??)

Kasie is our new captain, it has been decided. (I think this was already decided but I’m making an official decree) Her probing McGee to see his reaction because girl knows why Bishop is taking it harder, please. Then laughing it off for McGee, “we all gon need therapy if those two ever hook up” while thinking *boy you better stop denying because you KNOW they hooking up after this shit* is just 🙌🏼 the outright addressing of Ellick by the show- thank youuuuu.

Ok and now begins the Ellie show. Excuse me, the BADASS BISHOP SHOW. (Also why I’m partial to this being my fave ep). First- girl does not know how to holster her gun. Ellie: “you say there’s a tiny lead” *cocks gun* “let’s go” I’m herrrrrre for it. She’s blunt with everyone, she doesn’t care when Gibbs gives her the look, she don’t take no SHIT in interrogation. “You’d have to be [creative]” had me cry-ing 😭😭😭 AND THEN her equivalent of cursing out Vance over Nick, followed up by freaking out in the bullpen had me breaking on my couch. YES ELLIE GET IT is what I believe I chanted. The stare off, oh lordy. Y’all I was sweating I was pissed for her. Just the raw emotion in her eyes, the constant holding back tears and tears I just- 😭💔 and emojis don’t do it justice. I wanted soooo bad for her to land a sweet, sweet punch like she did with Victor, but knowing a second offense unprovoked wouldn’t go over too well, she held back. But aaaahh that scene was SO heartbreaking. And then, and THEN Ellie standing there gazing at his desk- oof. Her body language was key- her crossed arms, holding herself literally together so she doesn’t break?? She wants to break, y’all. She wants to break. Staying strong for Nick is the only thing getting her through.

When Gibbs sends her to be at the hospital because THE WHOLE DAMN TEAM KNOWS, I did a happy dance. McGee encouraging her but almost pulse-checking Gibbs after was very very intriguing. Gibbs’ “He’s a fighter” followed by McGee’s pulse-check, “so is Bishop...” and Gibbs’ exasperated look off towards the elevator and admission of agreement says SO MUCH. First- McGee is worried about not only Nick, but his sister, Ellie. He knows how much Qasim’s death hurt her, knows what she went through after- WHICH TIME OUT. For anyone saying this episode was OOC for Ellie? Sit the hell down and go watch 14x16. Then come back. Then continue reading. Ok resume WWR- McGee also knows how much more Torres means to her, he may try to deny it, but he knows. Implying Bishop is a fighter, obviously not about her health because *she’s fine* but more about what she’d do out of revenge. (And the man doesn’t even know Bishop is about to say she’s gonna kill him) Gibbs’ already sees himself a little in her, recognizing the same feeling he experienced with Shannon many years ago- hence the completive look on his face & heavy sigh. He knows he’ll have to revisit Rule 12 soon (but also in his mind he’s basically already burned it like Rule 10).

Speaking of Ellie saying she’s going to kill him, please see this excerpt from my notes during the ep: “FUCK YES BISHOP - the emotions!!!!!!!” That basically sums up how I felt the entire scene & commercial break afterward 🤷🏻‍♀️😂😂 My reaction when it came back? KILL HIM. But like in all seriousness, her face- holy shit going from on the verge of tears when they rolled Nick away to calculating her next move as McGee’s talking to her to making up her mind that she will be committing murder (please, girl already planned it & is just deciding which lipstick to wear during it at this point). Emily Wickersham is an amazing actress and I don’t care what you have to say. And yes, McGee trying to calm her down in a big brother way is adorable, but Ellie not having it is great. “Torres doesn’t get a say” is such a Nick thing to do of her 😭 Remember Luis going off on his own, yeah- this is Ellie’s version because she wants to & her husband is rubbing off on her. Oh also, the office she refers to? Totally means Ziva’s office at Odette’s - “if we missed something, I’ll find it there.” Hmmmm sounds eerily similar to *why* Ziva had that office in the first place, doesn’t it 🤔 also explains the lack of her on HQ’s logs and her “going home” excuse— which by the way, her shrugging them all off? Suspect Bishop, suspect. Her trying to play it all off with a wry laugh, not gonna lie, I love it. Her “too late” to Gibbs is quite interesting though- she sees herself going down that path any way, because she killed him? Or because she triggered a chain of events that will lead to it? Or because she may not have killed him, but lord knows she wanted to & planned it down to every last detail? Like I said, interesting.

Ok side note: Jack suggesting taking her off duty kinda pisses me off - with the spiraling comment too. She got to spiral when that guy from her past came & it screwed with her psyche, why the f can’t Bishop? It just rubbed me the wrong way, but I don’t hate Jack (don’t @ me, people.)

Back to Badass Bishop Show. She literally always has her gun out now. Just walking to the penthouse again where they didn’t try anything last time, *cocks gun.* When Gibbs comes up and tells her Nick is away 😩 Her relief though in the fact that he’s asking about her and he’s hungry (Ellie rubbing off on him, you can’t tell me I’m wrong) to go to the kicking down the door because that’s what her baby does so therefore she kicks down doors now- the parallels & the influence 😭😭

THE BATHROOM SCENE. McGee like seriously? You actually killed him?? And Gibbs like “oh fuck here we go again.” And then Jimmy had me dyinggggg. Theory alert: I really think Ellie (maybe Gibbs went with her & they’re helping each other with alibis/cover up??) went to kill him but got there after it had happened, that’s why she’s a little cagey about it- not that she *actually* killed the guy. BUT reference 14x16 again, I wouldn’t put it past her.

The final hospital bed scene has my heart. Ellie is so relieved and just so happy and open (but also a little nervous about what happens next so she hides a touch of her emotions, can’t let him see alllll of her heart now can we)- going back to their teasing ways, “worst pretend sleeper”, “next time jump out of the way” - UGH so cute. Side note, they use last names here almost similarly to the submarine episode. When shit gets scary real for them, it’s their way of grounding themselves almost, trying to hide just how much that incident actually affected them. They both do it & yes, it frustrates the hell out of me, but at the same time shows me just how much they care for the other 😭 BUT this time!! Nick made it take a serious turn, and I think Ziva finally got through to him- that sentence “cause you know I risked my life to save yours” is more him openly saying like oh shit I really did that 1. to himself and 2. to finally take that next baby step in their relationship. The emotion behind it showing her it wasn’t just because they’re partners- he wanted her to know that for sure, to make sure he didn’t just make light of it & glaze over it. He needed it out there in the universe that he Nicholas Torres, of sixteen different identities & no family, nothing to live for anymore, would rather DIE- than see Ellie in harms way. He needed it to be tangible for himself AND for her. Because this is growth, this is not what most people think of when they think of him.

And Ellie’s response: the look, hesitation building up courage, and making that first move of physical touch speaks VOLUMES about Ellie at this point. Not only does she take hold of his hand, but she rubs it in a soothing gesture. As if she needs to confirm for herself he’s really there, he’s really alive. The struggle she went through, the turmoil- wasn’t all for not. It’s her saying “I know” not just to the fact that she was joking earlier, she knows he risked his life & she’s grateful for that, but she knows it was more than because they’re just partners, more than just best friends even. That first move is her saying “I know” and “I might be ready to open up & let you in to the walls that surround my heart because the last time I was in a hospital staring at someone I loved, it didn’t turn out the same. Except this time, it took the hospital trip to really bring that into focus, and I know I can’t let that happen again.” Aaaaaaand catch me sobbing in the corner, it’s fine. I’m fine.

Nick’s reaction speaks volumes from him too, his slight shock to Ellie reciprocating & making that first move with his soft smile that is hinted at across his face to show he knows she’s letting him peak in, just a little, and that’s a start. A start people!!!

Last notes: Gibbs being such a dad and defending Nick liking his fireplace is the cutest. Vance was eager to get out of there at the end- his contacts are very very suspicious... And on that note, I really do not think it was Gibbs. I think Gibbs and Bishop may have gotten there after it happened with the purpose of doing something, so now they’re covering for each other, but I do not think it was either of them.

Pretty sure this is officially my longest review to date, WHOOPS. If you made it this far, congrats & thanks for staying with my inner ramblings 🙃 Like I said- my favorite episode so farrrrrr (now let’s see if we get anything AFTER this episode......lol I got jokes 😅).

[kanene-yaaay]

It started when...

Kanene’s note: Aaaa, okay! This little guy here give me some trouble and I had to re-write it some times but I really liked the ideia, so my butter heart didn’t let me to dig it in some deep archive of my computer, soooo…

Here he is!! Is a boy fluff! xDD

Well, at first it was suppose to be a OC fanfic, but then I felt some urge to made a Logan liking tickling and I think I didn't captured his personality very well xD. However, I really loved the result! Hope you enjoy this as well!!!

Warnings, fun facts, random things and stuff:

* This characters don’t belongs to me! They all belongs to Thomas Sanders! Yaaay!

* This is a SFW Tickle-fic, so, if you don’t appreciate this kind of content, please, look for another arts. There are a lot of wonderful arts in this site!!  ^w^)b

* Something around 4000 words. -w-)b.

* Sorry for any spelling, pontuation and grammar mistakes! Any and every advice is very very welcome! \(-w-)/

* This idea, like most of the good ideas came from NOWHERE! It’s pretty funny to write, tho. Hope you all enjoy it!

* Portuguese Version coming soon!! Thankys for reading, my lollipops! Have a incredible week!  Byeioo!~

                      [~*~]

‘If you could create your own Tickle World. How it that would be?’

(~.~)

For Roman it started when Logan stopped going to his room to talk about new video ideas and their developments. Not that it was an obligation of the said (in truth, sometimes it was very frustrating and tiring), but it had become part of the creative guardian routine, almost a bonding moment between both.

Most of time it was good and the royal side found himself waiting for this weekly moments that for some unknown reason  simply ceased from existion. They diminished little by little until  became so sporadic that Roman took the responsibility into his own hands and now made a point of visit the other when he missed these meetings or just had a random idea and felt the necessity to share it, even if it was undeveloped.

He never addressed this fact to Logan, simply for the lack of some subject that connected or lead to that or for being too distracted debating the good and improving points in the script, where they could be changed and the trails that it would be leading. Because of this he just remembered to bring up the conversation when he already was out of the other’s room, don’t find much motivation to return and broke the pleasant conversation they both had, for the most of time at least, for a subject of which Roman didn’t even knew to what territory it would lead.

For that reason, the subject on matter was left aside.

For Patton, the things initiated a little earlier, perhaps at the very beginning of everything. Just at that period when the one who wears tie moved his balcony chair for a point further away and hidden from the front window.

Those moments when the evening reading in the living room were shifted to the went to his bedroom from where he didn’t came back so early, and, when he did it was only for a short amount of time or somewhere a little farther from the couch itself. Patton lost the count on so many times Virgil had to hiss, like an adorable and cute dark kitty- Okay, focus! Focus!!- until Logan transfers himself to other place or furniture.

The guardian of morality couldn’t help himself in feeling… a bit worried with the behavior change, however, every time he thought in mention it he noticed the extremely rare and calm smile opened so naturally in Logan’s face as he stared something in his phone.

For this reason, for him, the subject on matter was half left aside.

For Virgil, realizing the change on the routine and natural order of the house was absolutely common, small changes happened with small new activities, and the curious aspect definitely was someone who always sought to explore the newest types of knowledge and, due this, for him the things just really began when this change on the routine became… well… routine.

The brain of one on hoodie didn’t waited too much before starting to have the most miscellaneous theories as answers to the not-so-sudden but equally strange change. The hypothesis varied according to his humor, going from it all being Deceit faking being Logan (refuted since both already had been seemed together fighting for the last cup of coffee) to everything being his fault because of his adaptation by the Light Sides, which was the favorite one of that voice in the deep of his mind.

Nevertheless, between all of them, just one hypothesis proved itself as the truth. It was proven on a cold day, the reason why everyone was locked in their room enjoying the warmth from their own beds.

Everyone but Virgil, who already had an almost natural protection (he already accepted the hoodie as part of his own body, it doesn’t matter what the society says.) and calmly headed for the television looking forward to re-watch some movies seeking the references that the last conspiracy theory video he saw said to exist, when his gaze met the shape layed on the couch dropping bubbling giggles.

Logan. Bubbling giggles.

These was for sure two things which didn’t seemed nestable at all, but wow, formed a pretty picture.

So that was it. Logan has an obscure secret. An obscure secret that made him lightly, happily giggle.

(Blackmail, maybe?)

The anxiety’s representation cursed the logic side for being always so respectful about his personal space, his thoughts opinions, desires and almost everything that involved Virgil feeling comfortable, supported and calm around them; because this fact just pushed away any and every evil will to sneaky behind Logan and finally cease once and for all his curiosity.

Consciousness. For that reason, he had to leave the subject on matter aside. But not completely, oh no, never completely.

(~.~)

Logan felt restless. He tapped the fabric of his pants lightly and observed all the landscape, trying to focus on its details and analyze them, seeking for distract his brain off the story he had read the last night, however his mind was always an indomitable spirit when it was referring to this subject. He spent the entire morning thinking, visualizing it, and before he could have a minute for researching about the stars and finally focusing in something else Roman called everyone to discuss in his room about the new scenario that would be used for the special video, which it showed as a proposal practically irrefutable to Logan, who put his obligations above almost every other thing.

- I let the room as a white canvas for we paint it at our desire! - The nomination maybe have been a little too literal, although it didn’t captured the whole essence of the albino forest surrounding the quarter. -   Sure I will be the first who- PANDA COSPLAY, IF YOU PUT ‘WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE’ ONE MORE TIME, I SWEAR FOR THE HOLY SWOR-

Logan rolled his eyes for the duo fight, and when his glaze dropped all his body froze, electric goose bumps ran down every inch of his skin, his eyes slightly widening, tense muscles.

The grass around him was beginning to transform, to color itself. From where his feet touched green spirals started to very calmly unfold, as if unaware about its surrounding, including the fright of its ‘creator’.

But, since nothing in life is easy, of course it was not only in color that the grass was being transfigured, but also in shape. The centimeters around his shoes were no longer grass, and yes small green, and as it seemed, extremely soft feathers.

Logan felt blush, nevertheless, more than blush he felt scared… No, ‘scared.’ wasn’t the correct word.

Apprehensive. He felt apprehensive

The rationality’s representation glanced at the others, who fortunately wasn’t paying any attention to him.

He stepped back. The color and feathers followed him, each footprint leaving the place more modificated and colorful. Logan felt his mouth dry. That was a bad idea. An awful idea. He wasn’t supposed to feel that way, wasn’t supposed to have this kind of thoughts. He was the logic, rational, serious, trustworthy, fact-based, not shaken up by feelings side.

Apprehensive. Anxious.

Virgil turned around, letting Roman and Patton chat a little about the scenario to discuss a few option with Logan, since he probably would already have some analysis about the place and more tangibles ideas whic-

His eyes widen.

“Coming here was a mistake. I need to do something. I should…. I should….”

- Logan. Logan. Hey, hey, hey. - He lifted up his glare, allowing himself to look as vulnerable as he felt. Virgil moved closer, their eyes met. - It’s alright. Everything is alright. - His voice was in a slowly, velvety, paused tune. Logan’s muscles slightly relaxed. - There are no problem, ok? It’s alright. We are here. It is we, and we are here at your side.

The one who wears a tie nodded, closing his eyes for a moment and bringing up Thomas’ memories from when he was anxious. He taken a deep breath, always a deep breath.

Breathe in. Hold it for seven seconds.

One…

- Everything is alright.

Yes. It was. It was they and everything was alright.

Virgil finally looked down, seeing what was source of concern for the rational side. The green color began to grow more vivid, more palpable as the spirals increased and expanded, getting bigger and bigger until the divisores lines mingled and they form a only one greenish circle.

Two…

Keep your eyes closed. It is more easier to control myself when my eyes are closed. Focus on the breathing. Focus on the dark. There is nothing to be afraid of.

The movements were bold, precise and calculated. Almost mesmerizing. Now little white particles loosened from the circle that resembled the grass. These particles fluttered in the air for a few moments before starting to stretch and took… a softer, fluffier, delicate shape.

Three…

There is nothing to be afraid of.

Wait. Is those feathers?

Four…

It is they. It is they. It is they. There is no problem because it is they.

A pleasant cold wind became, as if it brought distant news of a coming rain. It was so nostalgic that automatically all the muscles off his body loosen and the sound of small raindrops hitting the treetops became present, even if there was no visible cloud.

Five…

They are family. And respect me, so it is alright. Everything is under my control.

The wind made all the feathers move faster and faster, spiraling around Logan and his concentrated countenance. It was like a little private swirl.

And it spined, it spined, it spined and spined spined spined spined.

Six…

And he could be the aspect responsible for the rationality, knowledge and logic for certain, however it didn’t prevented him to be something more, or to appreciate what he appreciated. It was ok.

It always was.

Patton and Roman’s voices stopped to echo across the room, their gazes finally meeting the peculiar scene unfolding in front of their eyes. They both turned, the attention completely captured.

Seven.

- Logan?

The logic side opened his eyes.

Breathe out.

The swirl exploded consuming everything in a matter of few seconds. Nobody could hear nothing and even less utter some other word. They assumed a defensive pose, arms in front of their eyes and legs tensed ready to run away from any danger; until they realized that wasn’t any real danger. The feather didn’t even touched much their skin, feeling more as a stroke than any other thing.

The sensation ceased. The weather seemed different, colder, lighter, cozier.

And, when they were sure that everything really stopped, that there would be no further transformation, everyone opened his eyes, their breath catching for an instant, as if afraid to spoil the art-  no! Even better… the world around them.

Through all the space white feathers graciously floated to the ground, as little drops of paint in a emerald green that covered the whole grass, which stirred with the calm breeze that hitted it and and lead to green feathers also been released from the said and fly for few seconds before coming back to their original places. Not that it was always possible, since some usually  ended up trapping themselves in the greyish trunks of leafy trees painted in colors that went from pastel to vivids, flashy shades. Small vines decayed from the branches.

Roman stepped forward, curiously touching a pastel one, which wrapped around his wrist, soft as a blanked, each touch leading to electric shivers that made an involuntary smile groom in his face.

The trees were neither too tall nor too high, fact that allowed the cloudy sky been easy seem, not as an anticipation for a storm, but as if it was predicting an pleasant weather either to go out for a wandering or to stay home under the covers catching up on your favorite series. Virgil heard something else, however, he didn’t needed to focus too much before listen the velvety voices came audibles, as if they were brought by the pleasant-scented breeze.

“You are wonderful.”

“Does it tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle?~”

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Oh, it seems like someone is a bit ticklish.~”

“Thank you for all your effort.”

“I didn’t even did nothing and already became a blushy mess! Coothie coothie coo!”

“You did a good job.”

“The tickle monster is gonna getcha, getcha, getcha!”

- No! - Logan’s protests snapped everyone out of their trance, causing their eyes quickly find him, who had tripped and now attempted to get away from two floating gloves that mischievously wiggled their fingers in his direction. The huge smile on his face was almost as noticeable in his tune, whose its owner didn’t had any really warm on trying to escape. - Don’t  you dare to approach an infinitesimal cent-ack!! Nohohohohohohohohohohoho!

All the words went in vain, transfiguration  themselves in laugh when the two gloves ignored his warnings and attacked his ribs. Logan let himself lay on the grass, little snorts flying from his mouth as the said struggled to hold back his laughter, but nothing compared to the volume of the squeal that came from Patton’s lips as he processed the scene unfolded. He excitedly bitted his knuckles, don’t waiting a half second before running to the other.

- Logan!! I can’t belive you like tickling!!!

- Ohohohohohohohohohoho nahahahahahHAHAHAHAAHAaha!! - Their fingers started to focus in his hips, reason why the loud squeaks and more uncontrollable giggles leaved his mouth, but the logic aspect used all his willpower to cover his face with his hands, rolling to the opposite side in order to not being able to see the expression which the cat lover gives to him. Part of him relieved for don’t need to hide nothing anymore and part still very apprehensive with what all of this would result.

- Uh huh, sir! - Patton playfully complained, a grin spreading across his face as he sat at Logan’s side, his hands quickly, and very skillfully, meeting his armpits. Logan shrieked before get lost in a laughing sea, removing his hands from his face in a attempt to stop the new pair which tickled him. His face was completely red, the smile almost brighten the room for its light for being so big, his nose wrinkled and little dimples starting to been present. Patton felt his gaze shine, also laughing. - No hiding that wonderfully cute face of yours, mister! I can’t believe that you didn’t told us sooner, Lo-lo! 

- We can all agreed that this is… how would you say it…? - Virgil showed up, discovering to be an impossible mission not smile at the scene. The melodious giggles, yelps and squealing from both sides filled the air. - undeniably adorable.

Unable to explain why, Logan’s laugh increased, his legs squirming when the dad’s quarter got bored from his armpits and now went for his tummy, scratching, poking, squeezing and making his fingers dance through all its extension, which would surely made the mind’s representation curl in a defensive ball, if it wouldn’t the gloves changing its tickles to his thighs, each knead leading to a different squeal.

A thought crossed the one on hoodie’s brain. His smile faded.

- Hey, Patton. - His voice was more serious, a little fearful. - Wait, wait, wait! - He holded his shoulder, slightly pulling him back and making the paternal one reluctantly stop his ‘attack’, staring Virgil with that ‘lost puppy’ eyes, with a Logan behind thanking silently, or as quietly as possible when laughter and snorts unintentionally kept escaping from his lips due two fingers that teasingly scratch the underside of his knees, taking a few sips of air.

- Kiddo, I know you also wanna have some fun, but you need to be patient and wait your turn! -Virgil felt his entire face on fire, especially as Logan turned, apparently interested in the conversation.

- That isn’t it! - Patton couldn’t help but grin with the defensive tune the other used. Virgil frowned and rolled his eyes, his hands gesticulating all over the room. - This situation… It’s too much to show at once. Logan can be feeling vulnerable, maybe even uncomfortable to being exposed like this.

Both turned to the said, worried, alarmed looks. Logan opened his lips, only for a little squeak jump when the gloves started to squeeze and knead his kneecaps, his wobbly arms tried to remove them, but in vain.

- He need a little break… Roman! - The guardian of anxiety drew the other’s attention, who had to break free of some vines before joining the group, his hair a little messed up and with a breathless smile.

- Oh, why do you call , stormACK!! - The prince’s phrase was interrupted when the purple lover grabbed the gloves and tossed them on him, who even tried to fight against the saids, however ended subdued by skills when they found way to his feet. - VIRHIHIHIHIHIHIHIHIGIL!! NOhohohohohohOHOHOHOHO!

- Sorrey, dude. - Virgil smirked receiving a sharp, but without any anger in it, glare from the aspect of creativity. It was pretty hard take him serious when the said was squirming and happily laughing, tough.

- Uhuhu. You are evil. - Patton also excitedly smiled, before the duo remembered the previous topic of conversation and turned round to the logic side.

Logan was already sitting, adjusting his glasses and tie, his face still had remnants of the blush so as the smile. Everything got quite quiet, apart from Roman, who still laughing with the tickles. Maybe it was that laugh that gave Logan a bit more bravery to lift his gaze, clean his throat and stare the two side who observed him full of cautelous.

- A-about the previous question, Virgil. - For a moment he wished that the voices stopped their teasing, being promptly answered. Thank you. - I appreciate your concern and the free of judgment reaction of everyone, nevertheless. - “The vulnerability, no, the intimacy doesn’t bother me for the only main fact that it is you all, and I know that I’m more protect in your hands than any other on this vast universe.” - N-no hassle. - At least he could remind and utter something from his lift cards, since his brain didn’t seemed to much helpful on this moment. His face was gonna to melt, he was sure of it. - The sensation of vulnerability just would bother me if the fear of rejection was still present or our intimacy wasn’t yet strong. - Looked away. - The latter situation clearly isn’t the case and the first one… There is no reason to be afraid of. - And shut himself.

- Oh, Lo-lo, you are so silly… - Patton knelt down in front of him, staring in such a tender and affectionate way that for a moment Logan really realized how his fear was irrational. - There is no problem in like tickling. - The smile of the paternal figure increased when notice Logan squirm and lightly blush as heard the word.

- We would never criticize you for something like that. - Virgil didn’t knelt down, but the meaning on between his lines already demonstrate enough. -  Liking is liking. If it’s nothing hurting anyone… - Then shrugged.

- In fact is making good! Now we know what to do to hear your fabulous laugh! - The representation of morality evil smirked, wiggling his fingers, which made Logan instinctively stepped away, seeking help on Virgil, who seemed a bit surprise by his action, but he grinned, grabbing one of the flying feathers and twirling this between his fingers.

Logan stepped some more centimeters away as precaution, little giggles beginning to form between his lips.

- Without to mention that he seems to having so much fun! - Patton pointed to Roman, everyone turning to observe the scene where the aspect of hope and dreams still laughing with the gloves’ attack, which apparently found themselves in the mission of create the most bubbling and snorts almost at the same time by scribbling white feathers on his neck.

- Don’t we should help him?

- Do not worry. - Logan adjusted his glasses, voice stuffed with a slightly playfulness. - I programed the gloves to feel when you want more tickles or not. As long Roman don’t wish anymore tickle there wouldn’t be any of it. All of this ‘world’ works as this.

- I have to admit I’m a bit jealous. - Patton absently commented, taking one of the feather falling in circle moviments to the ground. The creator felt his eyes gloom, an absurd urge to smile taking over his body.

- Is that so, Patton? Well, allow me to help you with this impasse. - and before anything could be answered Logan hugged him from behind, digging his fingers on his tummy and leading belly laughter to explode from the cat lover, who started to squirm almost instantality. 

- THAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAT WanS’T WHAHAHahahahahAHAHAT I meAN! LOHOHOHOHohohohohohohohohohohoHOHOHOHO! - His laughter were totally filled with high pitched squeals and screams almost as adorable as his personality.

- Oh, but after your attack I believe that is my right to seek revenge. - His whispered words tickled the shell of the other’s ear, who immediately attempted to hide the ticklish spot in his shoulder, receiving a raspberry in the vulnerable side of his neck. - How kind of you to show that delicate point of yours so I can tickles, tickles, tickles, Patton. Very considerate of you.

- NahahahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHahahahahaha!!! - He stopped to struggle, just lightly squirming and letting himself to be carried away on this moment of playfulness and affection from the other, the teasing painting a strong blush on his cheeks and small droplets started to accumulate in the corner of his eyes. Virgil snorted.

- Don’t think that I forgot you, Virgil. - Logan only glanced the one on hoodie, but that alone was already enough to release cold shivers down his spine, smile starting to rise in his face. Even when the logic side came back to give attention on the victim on his claws his Fight or Flight instincts didn’t stopped to kick in.

Something velvety wrapped around his waist.

- NO! Wait!!! - Virgil tried to dislodge the vine that involved him, turning around on time to see other in light colors happily coming towards him. - I didn’t even did nothing! Let me g-

- Precisely, dear Virgil. You have allowed me to be attacked without lifting a single finger, and I believe that  judicially, this can be termed ‘complicity’. - The soft vines began to curl up around all his body, vibrating as they purred. Virgil closed his eyes and pursed his lips tightly, putting effort for any giggle came out of his mouth. Logan’s expression softened a little. - Do not worry, the pastel ones are responsible for light tickles. - When one found its way to that sweet spot beneath his shoulder blades and camped there the barrier broke, a flow of giggles, snorts, and low yelps flyed from his mouth. Virgil’s legs failed in keep him up and for that reason he ended up being carried, having the sensation that he floated in pure light, soft and unbearable tickles. The smile on his face wasn’t huge, but seemed able to light all the space with its cuteness.

And, for Logan, it was in this exact moment, when the carefree laughter walked and danced through all the room that he spent hours and hours imaginating, that everything started…

… to get really interesting.

[hazeleyedfloozy]

Lucky Blue Flannel Part 5.

Hellllllooooo friends! It is I! Your friendly (annoying) neighborhood fangirl that has a thousand things she should be doing but decided to write instead lmao. (Laundry?? I don’t know her.)

Anyway!!! This is a longer installment, and angsty as hell. Soooo you know the drill. 

CW’s: Drugging, abuse, therapy, anxiety, PTSD, mental health, etc. I don’t believe there’s any use of swear words; but just be cautious. I’m giving this a Mature Audiences rating, due to the mentions of drugging/ mental health and therapy. 

ALSO. The scene with Dr. Williamson is inspired by a real life experience I had with my own therapist. I in no shape or form am a psychologist or claim to be one. 

You looked bad. Your eyes puffy and full of wet, soggy tears; drenching your already-soaked tear stained cheeks. Your hair was covering your face, masking the tears. You hadn’t had a day like in forever. Days like these, you’d usually call Mark; who’d send take-away and usually end up staying late into the night, talking you out of the episode that had spiraled out of control.

You weren't always like this. There used to be another part to you. A part that was free. Someone who laughed at the small things, danced in the rain, and never minded what others thought of her. You missed her. You missed the girl you once knew.

What happened to you?

Katie Williamson, a doctor of psychology and the best damn therapist the world had to offer; had decided to take you on as a client, six months after you were first experiencing symptoms. The fatigue, the never ending nights of insomnia, panic attacks that you were positive were the end of all common and true thought. Katie had diagnosed you with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, along with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

“I didn’t always used to be like this…” The sobs spilled out of you uncontrollably.

“Do you perhaps think that something might have caused what you’re feeling, Y/N?”

“I…” You started, afraid to finish your sentence. Dr. Williamson (Katie, she always preferred to be referred to as) looked at you with trusting eyes.

“I… was… I… was…” You hiccuped.

“Take your time. It’s okay. You are safe here. You don’t have to be scared.”

“There was a teacher at the first school I worked at…. he crushed on me pretty hardcore. He’d always try to hug me in the hallways, be super friendly, ask me about my sex life.  We were close friends. And I agreed to go out with him once; and… he put something in my drink.” You croaked. The words seems to tumble out of you faster than you ever thought your tongue could manage.

“Y/N… did something… did you report him?” Katie asked softly, her eyes now deep with fury.

“I tried… but the school recommended that I find another position some place else. It’s why I have the job I do now… and I don’t regret that for a second because my kids are my reason…”

“Reason for?”

“Reason to believe that I might make it out of this alive.” You sobbed.

It had been two years since you first told Katie about your experience. You’d been going to see her weekly for the first six months, then monthly afterward. Though you hadn’t seen her in quite a bit of time. Earlier that afternoon, (pre panic attack) you'd scheduled an appointment to meet her the following Monday. It was Friday. Meaning you had three days of trying to pull yourself together enough to face the outside world. You’d promised John you’d attend the after-party for Queen’s gig this evening; but knew deep inside that you wouldn’t be able to pull it together by dinnertime.

You saw your attacker that morning. You’d started the morning off right, with a early work out at the gym. You’d forgotten to pack breakfast, so you stopped at your favorite coffee stand just three blocks away from your work.

“Do my eyes deceive me, or is it Star Girl in the flesh?” Your attacker whispered in your ear, standing eerily close to you at the coffee stand. You shuttered; almost falling to the ground in fear. Star-Girl was the nickname he’d given you when he first heard you sing. You’d become close friends, and you trusted him.

“It’s me.” You shrugged, pulling your most treasured blue flannel tighter to you. Katie had coached you through how to know what a trigger might feel like; this was definitely one of them.

“What… did our fun little outing make you SOOO upset you just had to leave the school? You know they gave me a two week suspension because of you. Little slut. I’m positive you just drank too much and regretted it after!!!” The venom in his words struck your skin as if a snake had actually sank it’s teeth into your forearm.

“You liked it…” He continued, whispering into your ear. You felt the anger rise in your belly; and suddenly, your fist made contact with his jaw. Falling to the ground in pain, he desperately tried to trip you with one hand wrapped around your ankle. The anger and frustration still searing through your body; you kicked your boot into his stomach. You continued to wail on the man; every punch a goodbye letter to all of the horrible feelings he’d drawn upon you since the incident. With every kick, you said goodbye to the man that had changed your life forever.

“Alright… alright!!! Break it up!!!” Called the barista from behind the coffee stand. You cowered in fear, knowing he was still just feet away from you.

The coffee stand made sure you made it home safely; buying you a cab to get you back to your flat.

Sarah was the only person in your personal life that knew about your experience, and guarded it tightly to her heart. You grimaced at the clock; knowing that John’s gig was about to end.

You tried to put yourself together, but it was no use. It was nonsense trying to put a happy face on, even if for the man you adored so much. You’d been going on dates, spending loads of time with John.

You were falling in love. Plain and simple. You hadn’t told John about what happened to you; and you hoped that day would never come. But here you were; puffy eyed and so shaken up. The phone rang; you lifted yourself gently from the couch to answer it.

“Hello… this is Y/N.” You whispered, knowing it would be John on the other end.

“Love… are you alright?” He asked.

“I’m… I’m…” You sobbed into the phone.

“I’m on my way. Stay where you are.” He gently spoke into the phone.

He was at your flat in what seemed like only two minutes. He was holding a box of carry out; along with a single red rose. You smiled softly at him; knowing you’d have to explain everything.

“Do you wanna tell me what’s going on? What’s wrong, love?” He whispered lovingly as you sat on the couch. His fingers traced your forearms lovingly, knowing that it was a calming mechanism of your own design.

“I saw him today.” You whispered, sobs threatening to break your now almost calm state.

“Whom, love?”

“I… here was a teacher at the first school I worked at…. he crushed on me pretty hardcore. He’d always try to hug me in the hallways, be super friendly, ask me about my sex life. And I agreed to go out with him once; and… he put something in my drink.” You slowly broke the news. His soft, gentle features turned into anger as you explained your situation.

“Where is this person?” He asked, lifting himself off the couch; grabbing his jacket.

“Why?” You asked

“I’m gonna kill him.” He whispered. His fists were clenched with anger; those beautiful eyes you were falling in love with a shade of red.

“John… stop it. I’m okay.” You whispered, running to shut the door he’d swung open. You latched the door behind the two of you; your eyes wet with new tears.

“I didn’t want to tell you… because I was scared you would…”

“I would?” He questioned.

“I didn’t want you to loose interest in me or think I was too much.” You murmured.

His eyes became red with tears; struggling to remain completely together, a sob snuck out of the bassist’ throat.

“Can I hold you, please?” He said through sobs. You nodded slowly. He took you in his arms, scooping every last inch of you into his chest. He pressed his forehead to your own; your tears intertwining. You hadn’t realized John was so in touch with emotions.

“I could never… ever think less of you. You are my sun, my moon and all of the stars in the sky.” He mused, kissing your forehead.

“Are you taking love lessons from Brian now?” You joked, kissing his cheek.

“He’s the one who should be taking lessons from me.” He nudged you. There were several moments of him holding you, you holding him; being tangled in each other’s embrace.

“I promise… I will never let anything bad happen to you, ever again.” He softly spoke, running his hands over your forearms again.

After a quiet night of watching films, eating a copious amount of take out, and finishing off the night with a batch of cookie dough. (Lets be honest, were you ever planning to bake the dang cookies anyway?) You’d decided to hit the hay. John had never stayed the night before; but you’d planned to ask him at some point.

“John…”

“Y/N..” You began to talk over each other. You stopped talking, wanting to hear that precious voice of his fill the quiet flat.

“I was wondering… perhaps… I could come over for breakfast tomorrow? I just don’t want to be away from you for that long…” He smiled shyly.

“You can stay the night… you’d have to borrow one of my flannels to sleep in though.” You warned, a sly smile appearing across your face.

“I know the exact one.” He laughed.

You never knew how beautiful someone was until you saw him sleeping next to you. You’d spent the past twenty minutes admiring the lad; who’d fallen asleep quickly. “John… are you awake?” You whispered.

“Now I am…” He grumbled.

“I just… I’m really happy.” You whispered, kissing his cheek.

“I am as well, sweetheart. I love you…” John whispered, kissing your shoulders and bringing you into him. His hands slipped around your frame; almost cradling you.

“I love you, too.” You responded, squeezing his strong arms as sleep washed over the both of you.

ANYWAY HI yes I hope you all like this installment! Please be kind if you have any comments or suggestions! Don’t go breaking my heart. (Pun totally intended) anyway if anyone would like an imagine or a headcannon just send them my way!! Love you all! You are enough!

[myquirkylife]

The black and white of dieting is fairly simple: eat less, move more, calories in, calories out. Be consistent and watch yourself transform. Right? Well, generally speaking, yes. But unfortunately, not always. Just like life, dieting is not always so black and white.

Perhaps you know someone that despite training hard, eating at a deficit with properly balanced macronutrients/micronutrients and recovering appropriately, they just can’t seem to lose weight? More often than not, factors at fault include:

“Ghost Bites” – aka those bites of your coworkers dessert, those mindless bites while you prepared your meal, those random bites of various snacks at work, those unmeasured spoonfuls of peanut butter, always eating out and guesstimating, etc. They all add up!

Not Actually in a Deficit – They may not be burning as much as they think they are in their training, therefore, not being in a true caloric deficit (more on this later). Or, eating more than they think they are in comparison to their output. Yes, it is true, sometimes in dieting, to get to a specific goal, you have to be in a lower deficit than you think you need to be in. Harsh truth.

Other than the above factors, there are some that fall in the grey area of dieting. Perhaps you’ve heard folks say, “I can’t lose weight because I have a slow metabolism”? Hell, I’VE said that (thanks, thyroid)! People can have slow metabolisms (soooo many factors that contribute to this), but the most important tidbit of information to take away from this post is: a slow metabolism is NOT a life sentence that you are doomed with forever (or to use as an excuse). There ARE ways to remedy this.

But it takes work. By tracking your intake, you are in control of the calories-in – which is extremely important if you have specific goals. Controlling the calories-out, aside from exercise, is more so dependent on your biology, which is where things can get tricky. The human body is extremely complex, and it is your metabolism (a mega machine of organ function, hormones, energy, etc) that dictates the amount of energy your body outputs in a day.

The thing with the human body is that it is extremely durable and will adapt to extreme circumstances when necessary. Some bodies do this quicker than others (hi). So if you’ve been eating really low calories for a long time, even when combined with hard, diligent training, and you’re still not losing weight, chances are that your metabolism adapted to its current state. No, this is NOT starvation mode. Most people, thankfully, won’t ever experience true starvation. What this means is, your body adapted to its current intake as its “maintenance,” so even though you’re technically not eating much, your body doesn’t think it’s in a caloric deficit, it thinks it is maintaining.

So, how can this be fixed? Reverse dieting! Or, simply getting back to (or figuring out) your true maintenance numbers (macros to eat to maintain weight). This is done so that your body can slowly adapt to eating at higher calories, with minimal weight gain while also increasing your metabolic capacity.

Some argue that there is no need to to do this slowly and you can simply go back to eating at maintenance in a 2-3 week window after a cutting phase (Lyle McDonald, PhD), while others argue that this should be done slowly in a 10 week (or more) window to minimize fat gain and give your metabolism time to adjust (Alan Aragon, Avatar Nutrition, in3 Nutrition, Layne Norton, PhD, Sohee Lee). In my humble opinion, if you’ve been cutting for a long time, slowly increasing your food intake can also help you mentally. Big increases in food in a small time frame can easily lead to binging.

So…all this may sound familiar coming from me, right? Well, that is because I have covered this topic before in The Dark Side of Reverse Dieting. Read that post where I go over my personal experience with reverse dieting (at that point) and the parts of reverse dieting that people don’t like to talk about. Folks love to focus on the group of folks that respond extremely well to reverse dieting such as weight loss and can get their macros upwards of 400g of carbs without gaining but that is not as common as you think.

Okay, so now you’re probably asking, “Well Jo, why are you bringing up reverse dieting yet again?” Sigh.

HERE’S THE DEAL

To put it into perspective, I wrote that post in July 2017 and it is now toward end of April 2018. I was in the middle of a reverse diet that I had began in March 2017. Which, five months in was a record for me! As mentioned in that post, I was notorious for starting a reverse, and at any sign of gain, I’d jump back into a cut. And very recently, I was reverse dieting…again. WHAT?!

So, what had happened was…we had a trip to Costa Rica planned for November 2017 and I did not want to go looking/feeling fluffy (can you blame me?). I was advised against going into a cut just yet, that I should give my reverse more time, then go into maintenance for a bit, and THEN cut. Well, vanity and impatience got the best of me and I compromised on doing a “mini cut” right before the trip. I was warned that cutting a reverse short and diving straight into a cut is not a great idea, but that if I’m to do it, that I should stick to the reverse up until October 2017, then for the month of October, do a somewhat aggressive cut (shock the body in a sense), then get back to a reverse when I return. Well, things did NOT go as planned whatsoever because my body is a difficult bitch (hence why I am writing this long ass post about metabolic adaptation).

Basically, the aggressive mini cut did NOTHING for me. I went from eating about 2200 cals to pretty much 1500 cals (without change in training volume) in a span of about three weeks with no change on the scale or body. The frustrating parts were:

Reverse diet that I spent 6 months on, turned out to be a waste because I was back to eating what I was eating pre reverse diet (perhaps even less) AND at a higher weight than when I began reverse because I’m one of the lucky ones that has some fat gain during a reverse (Note: sarcasm – there should be a sarcasm font)

I was compliant 95% of the time during the reverse and 99% compliant during the cut, so it’s not like I was going YOLO style and overeating

I was diligently training hard in weightlifting throughout

What was done, was done. There I was, right before Costa Rica vacation feeling like…

But I got to thinking…I should NOT be stressing about this during my vacation. I had never been to Costa Rica, it was my first international trip with Migs, and I had spent months planning it. I was determined to turn my shit around and have an amazing time. I planned to mindfully eat but not track my food.

This is just a glimpse at the adventures we had on our 10-day trip living that pura vida:

The trip was phenomenal. We laughed, we ate, we drank, we swam, we did adventure. I couldn’t have asked for a better trip. It took a lot of willpower to not think about what I looked like in this bikini or in those shorts or that dress, but I did it well enough and remained in the moment. Pura vida.

Back to Reality

In my last blog post, I went over exactly what took place upon our return from Costa Rica. Rest in forever peace, my sweet Abuelita.

In that last post, I definitely focused on my training and those lifetime PRs that did make me ever so happy! There’s one major plus from truly fueling my body – getting stronger!

What I didn’t focus on in that post was nutrition and my body, well, because I knew it would take some explaining and it needed its own post to do so.

Anyway, so upon getting back, feeling as discouraged as ever (on top of the emotional roller coaster I was on), I basically just went back to the calories I left off of on my cut and mindlessly stayed there for some weeks until January came around and I stumbled on AHub Nutrition‘s Ashleigh Hubbard on Instagram…and was intrigued. I lurked on her for a while on Instagram from afar. I’d click through and see what her clients were sharing, what she shared, her methods – basically, went down a rabbit hole.

Although I felt Avatar did serve me well, my body just does not always respond as typically as most bodies do and feel it requires more patience than the algorithm allows. It responded well to the reverse overall, but the cut method, not so much, which I know is partially my fault for going from reverse to a cut so quickly. For someone who has a fairly responsive body, I feel Avatar is a great, affordable alternative. But ultimately, it does only base your weekly macro tweaks on your weigh ins (weight + body fat measurement + compliance, and for women, menstruation) without any other factors considered. I figured the time may have come for me to take on a coach again. Someone that can take into consideration not only the weight on the scale but also take into account other measurements such as how I’m feeling, whether I dropped the kids off at the pool, my stress levels, my energy, how I’m recovering, my training changes, etc. I KNOW I could do this for myself but let’s be honest, we’re not always as real with ourselves as we are with others.

What sold me on Ashleigh – because it IS a hefty price tag to take her on, I’ll be honest – is how responsive she was before I even hired her. We DM’ed for about a couple hours the night I finally reached out to her. I asked any and all questions and concerns that I had. I explained my situation, warned her my body is notoriously difficult and I let her know I did not want to go through what I went through before with a previous coach (scroll down). Responsiveness is key with me. Most importantly, don’t brush off my concerns when I have them. She reassured me of all my concerns without giving me blanket responses and added a bonus: her clients have her cell number and can text her with any questions or to just chat.

Time to get to business. Time to make a plan. And she told me what I knew was coming (but was somehow hoping not to come to this). The only way to really get me out of the hole of eating such low calories and not seeing any results was to reverse diet me…AGAIN. Ugh. I expressed my feelings about doing a reverse AGAIN, potentially gaining weight AGAIN, spending months on a reverse AGAIN when I had just spent 6 months on one. I said and asked all these questions, knowing the sad, sad answer already before she even said it. I don’t have much a choice if I want to get my body and metabolism in order. It’s either, remain eating very low calories and lowering them even more with the possibility of still not seeing any change (and have my performance suffer) or reverse diet, but this time go into a maintenance phase, and then cut. And of course, taking into consideration more than just weight on scale the whole time (biofeedback) and adjust accordingly.

Ugh, fine. So here I am. I started the reverse with Ashleigh in January and my reverse just ended a couple weeks ago. From when we started I gained about 3-4lbs – which to some, may seem like nothing. But if you think about the overly aggressive reverse (aka bulkI didn’t ask for) I was put on post op by my previous coach where I gained nearly 10lbs, then the reverse I was very recently on where I had also gained about 3-5lbs (with Avatar) – it sure adds up and IS a lot. I am now on maintenance for the month of April with a week diet (mental) break at the end of the month where I won’t track macros which is also when I’ll be out of town for work. And then, when I’m back in town…

Time to cut! I am hopeful that it will go well this time under the watchful eye of an attentive coach. Another thing I already knew before Ashleigh mentioned it, was that it is very likely that I will ultimately have to go very low in calories due to how my body has responded historically. But luckily, she said she won’t keep me so low for too long and, I don’t have trouble eating low calories when I have to. I more so get frustrated eating low calories and seeing no changes.

HAVE YOU STRUGGLED?

I’m curious to know my readers better. Aside from the common issues listed in this post, have you also struggled with any body goals? Do you feel your body is difficult to change? Did you end up finding what tweaks work for you?

xx,

Jo

The Joys of Metabolic Adaptation #flexibledieting #nutrition #health #wellness #metabolism The black and white of dieting is fairly simple: eat less, move more, calories in, calories out.

[canaryatlaw]

okay, well today was fine. less hectic at work, which was nice after 3 very hectic days. court did not go exactly as planned, which is the second time this week this has happened with the judge who really likes me and I’m starting to be like....I mean I know it’s because she’s new and doesn’t really know what she’s doing yet so when I make an oral motion to withdraw because the other side filed a divorce case two days earlier (thus consolidating our case with theirs), she says she needs it to be in writing, while other judges grant oral motions to withdraw very regularly....sigh. things were a little chaotic because there was no courtroom coordinator so everyone was just in the courtroom zoom and trying to call cases, but we ended up going forward without the translator there that both parties needed, which is the second time in this case that’s happened, and to be fair it is definitely a rare language to obtain a translator for (Amharic) but like, the parties need to be able to know what’s going on. so I was somewhat frustrated, but the wait at least might overall end up being a good thing for the client and give her more time to find counsel for the divorce case. I think I talked about this yesterday, but I’m just so so pissed I have to give this case up because I am so fiercely attached to it at this point and it’s just such an awful awful situation (it involves little kids, so you know I’m going to be fiercely passionate about it, and this fucking asshat keeps trying to ask for visitation, like go die in a hole please you should never be near these children again) for all of them and they’re in such a vulnerable place right now.....I’d spoken with my supervisor about our family law division taking it on and me potentially staying on for the OP part, but when I spoke with them they just gave me like a flat out no, which I then told my supervisor and she was kind of confused because they had spoken about making exceptions for particularly serious cases, so I think she’s going to try to talk to her and see if we can maybe make it happen. I just feel so bad because I know the client is scared about it and not being able to do much to help is really just killing me and it’s so frustrating. ugh. but anyway, that was done at least. I put in a small instacart order for a few things, mainly because I needed to get broccoli. I can never remember what I post about in previous posts but tomorrow night I’m going to make dinner for my downstairs neighbors as they just lost their 4th child after she was born two months premature and passed two hours after being born. I was asking the dad if there was anything the kids particularly liked or disliked, and he said they were really into broccoli for some reason (which did make me laugh) and of course anything with cheese (which is really just a required part of being a child) and one of them was trying to avoid meat on Fridays (their Catholic, I know Lent hasn’t started yet and I don’t really know enough about that stuff to know anything else about it) so I decided Broccoli Mac and Cheese was a good choice, and I’m doubling the recipe because friend is coming over so we can have dinner too and not spend more money on ordering out, lol. So I got my instacart stuff. Things weren’t too bad busy-wise today, so around noon I snuck out for a quick run to the bank to get some damn quarters, because I very badly needed my laundry done. so I legit gor $30 in quarters because they’re not limiting them anymore haha and I had soooo much laundry to do. the afternoon was chill, we had our case acceptance weekly meeting which is always a good check in. I finished everything up for the day around 5, and started the process of doing my laundry. I had to stop dragging my hamper down to the basement for laundry with me because I’m always somewhat unsteady on the steps and dragging down an overloaded hamper with me sounds like a recipe for fucking disaster, so I have a bag instead and I took them down load by load. I ended up doing 4 loads because I was soooooo overdue haha so that took a lot of trips up and down. While I was doing that I also decided to make more Amaretti cookies because I found a recipe for the crunchy ones that I wanted to make (and they’re sooo easy to make, it’s legit just almond flour, egg white, sugar and almond extract) and those came out well so I was pleased with that. I also tried to make some rice in my instant pot but the part with the pressure release valve got messed up somehow and after cooking for a few minutes it came up with a like “burned” message, and most of the rice was cooked but some of it was overly hard, so I have to figure out what to do with that. I might do a small batch of vanilla pudding recipe tomorrow so I don’t waste the egg yolk I have left over. I also watched this week’s episode of the Resident in full, then the first 3 episodes of the new season of Chicago Med so I’m caught up to the currently airing ones. And through all of this I was folding clothing, because I knew there was no way I could just wait until it’s all done and try to fold it because that would not work lol. and yeah, at some point after 10 I switched to the news which turned into Jimmy Kimmel for a bit before shutting the tv off to shower and start getting ready for bed, and now I’m here. I don’t have court or clinic tomorrow and no other pressing obligations, so I’m sleeping in which I’m definitely looking forward to, and would like to start doing that now so I’ll end this here. Goodnight my dears. Happy Friday.

[my-worst-nightmare-is-you]

If you know me well, you would know how much I dislike doing sport. It’s because I am so not used of doing it and having big body makes me feel more insecure of doing any kind of sport. When someone asks me what my favorite sport is, I would proudly say, none. Not even running, it’s one of the sports that I hate the most, actually.

It’s not that I don’t like moving my a$$, it’s just I don’t know. I have asthma since I was a small kid, when I’m running I kinda started to have difficulties with my breathe. Back then in junior high school and senior high school, in sport we did running as warm up exercise, or even “exam” and get scores based on how fast we could run. I remember, me and some of my girl friends ended up failing and tried more than three times to achieve the minimum score, because we ran that slow. And that, almost always happened. Up until now I still don’t fancy running, which makes some of my friends in uni wondered why, because I always said no when they invited me to go jog together.

Probably the only sport that I like is swimming. But also back then in school, I don’t really like that either. I wasn’t excellent, but also not that bad. I mean I could swim, I could say. My favorite style is the one where you just floats and swim around on your back, I forgot what it’s called. It just makes me feel so peaceful and I could enjoy. It’s just.. when we’re talking about swimming, it reminds me of the public swimming pool. I really dislike it, if I don’t have to go, I’d rather not go. I dislike the feeling after you left the pool. My body feels like it’s dry, but it’s wet. Not to mention you also have to wait most of the time to use the shower and changing room. I remember in the last year of high school we went to the swimming pool nearby my house, I almost always went back home to shower and get properly changed immediately. So I left the swimming pool just dry myself out a little bit using the towel, wore back my used clothes, and drove back home.

There are only two kind of sports that I have mentioned above. You could see from that how I really am not a fan of sport. Not doing any kind of exercise daily makes my body just grow bigger and bigger, because on the other side I also love to eat and snack a lot. It has been more than a decade since the last time I am on my “normal” weight. Yes, I am overweight. Not that over, but still over my suggested weight (based on my height). I was like, meh, I don’t care about how I look as long as I feel comfortable and I love myself. I mean, that is true, too.

I started to panic over my weight like a month ago. I was trying to take proper selfies and none of them turned out to be how I wanted it to be. Because of the angle I used to really like of my face was no longer good. I don’t even need to look down to have visible double (or triple?!) chins. At that time, I told myself, I need to lose weight!

Things are easier to be said than to be done, right? Yes. The losing weight journey lasted for only two or three days. I cut down my calories intake for almost a half, I stopped eating snack, I stopped consuming rice and only consumed less less carbs. I counted what goes inside my body and how much calories I burnt. It was interestingly frustrating. It was also hard since it costs a lot too, for me. So I stopped there.

Even when I stopped, it got me thinking. I have diabetic history from my Dad, he passed away due to complications and I believed it all started with the diabetes. He told me back in his younger times, he really liked to consume sweets, everything with more sugar. It frightens me, I looked back on how careless I could be about what goes inside my body. Sometimes when things are really tasty, I just wouldn’t care how much I eat (or drink) as long as I still can consume them, which is not good for my health, actually. Then I also remember how my best friend told me she once got taken to the emergency unit after eating seafood recklessly and it turned out she has cholesterol, and as far as I know she has healthier lifestyle than I do. Thinking about it frightens me, to be really honest.

Because I know it would be hard for me to control my eating habit for now, because I still like to snack a lot (and healthy yummy snacks are more expensive, for me) and I don’t have my own money and my own kitchen yet, I would just stick to the same one, but of course a better one. I still eat Indomie in the middle of the night when I suddenly get hungry and a lot of deep fried foods, for example. But in return, I have been eating less rice than I normally did and I have been drinking more and more water everyday than usual. Also I have been trying to control myself more when it comes to tasty food (and drinks). Not bad.

And… believe it or not, I have been doing exercise for about half and a month! For me, it’s an achievement! Not that extreme, I have been doing cardio dance. I know I am not flexible enough in dancing, I know that for sure. But doing the dancing is just easier than normal work out for me, rather than the doing push ups, sit ups, planks, jumping jacks, etc. Beside, the music got me more enjoying the work out session. I know I might not burn a lot of calories doing the dance, but still, I moved my a$$ and it helped me a lot in not being easily tired when doing something physical.

I enjoy the “me time” while doing the work out, I can’t believe I say this myself but, it also makes me happier. I can’t explain why. I also appreciate my body more by working out, like how my hips move and shake, how my legs feel like burning when I am doing squats, how the sweats feel down on my cheeks which is questionable if it’s sweat or tears, how the air feels inside my lungs when I inhale and exhale, everything. It just feels good. I don’t care about the fat on my belly, it just makes me happy.

I had been doing the cardio dance following the video I found on YouTube, in the first two weeks I danced along with Sunny Funny Fitness videos  and later I found out another channel from Pamela Reif. Pamela is a German, as far as I saw on her Instagram, she is the most followed German fitness influencer. Since she’s a German, I felt more connection to her rather than Sunny Funny and others. More than that, I turned out also really liking the dancing workout videos she made, aesthetically speaking it’s really pleasant to just watch the video, beginner talking it’s also easy to follow, what a perfect combo.

So I had been dancing with Pamela for maybe two or three weeks. I usually take two days rest in a week, depends on when I remember and when my work out clothes are on the laundry, so I have nothing to wear and can’t work out hahahaha most of the times, here’s how I do my current daily work out plan:

  Warm up : I usually repeat this video two times

Dance : These two are the videos I mostly did the whole time. I like the Happy Dance more more more than the Cardio Dance, because for me it is way easier and I like the songs used there more. I mostly repeated the Happy Dance two times, or one time Happy Dance one time Cardio Dance. When I was too tired or unmotivated, I would just dance along with the Happy Dance and repeat the video only to dance one more song.

Cool down : I usually stopped after the first song is finished and repeat it again once more.

  That routine was fun. But I got bored easily, I need more variations. It was really hard for me to find another dance workout that I really like, beside from Pamela’s. I like Sunny’s but the poses are mostly too hard for me to follow and the rhythm is too fast. And others really like to talk in their videos, which I don’t really fancy.

After a long time of consideration I finally got myself a yoga mat to support me in doing more variations of work outs. Of course I ended up buying it because it was on sale, thanks Shopee. It arrived yesterday and I finally am able to use it today in the afternoon. I was soooo excited. I had saved the weekly work out plans Pamela made on her Instagram since yesterday as soon as my yoga mat arrived.

I am currently on the first week, duh, and boom the workouts are so much harder than I thought it would be. So difficult and different comparing to the dancing workouts I had been doing for more than a month. It got me sweating more and faster. While I’m writing this, I still feel like my whole body is aching and burning from the workout I did at 16:00. Maybe because I had the idea of adding more exercise than it was already on the plan hahaha so as you can see below that is the work out plan Pamela made for the beginner in week 1, go on the first day, only two videos. I impulsively did almost 4. So before I did the work outs in the plan, I added my usual warm up routine as before. Then I did the two videos mentioned in the plan. Because the twenty minutes felt so fast, and I didn’t really do all the exercises perfectly (I was trying!) and I still had enough energy left, I told myself, why not go for another one? And I ended up trying the Yoga Flow  for about 17 minutes! So it was, let’s say, 3 minutes + 10 minutes + 10 minutes + 17 minutes, in total 40 minutes! Holy moly…

It’s not that big progress, I’m doing baby steps. But I am happy and so proud of doing this so far! Let’s just hope I would be consistently doing this for the rest of my life, I mean, you know what I mean. Fingers crossed!

To close this, I would like to remind you all to stay healthy and stay safe, please drink more water and take care of yourself!

  Love,

  Zhinta.

written on Monday, 15th June 2020.

    Happy Sweaty! If you know me well, you would know how much I dislike doing sport. It’s because I am so not used of doing it and having big body makes me feel more insecure of doing any kind of sport.

[marigoldblues]

Humbled, My grass is the same as your grass, and Making an effort .

As mentioned in some entry that I wrote at some point, on some day, some few weeks ago... 

I'd like to blog more... 

so here goes. I've never been good at keeping blog promises, so who knows how long I'll continue to update on a "regular" basis, but for now this is keeping me sane and looking forward to something that is mine--all mine, so ya...

 Humbled 

if you've been following my writing...., especially pieces done in the last, I don't know, 6 months (yippeeeeee...thank you!!)

Anyway, you might have noticed there is a common elated, but somewhat frustrated bewilderment  of "oh my god, I didn't realize  THIS is how it was going to be..."

Some days, I feel like I've been kicked to my knees. Every once in awhile, I feel like I should be the winner at the made up "mother of the century" pageantry in my mind. (Trust me, I've practiced my winning wave, and rehearsed my acceptance speech on my amazing abilities to do a diaper change WHILE keeping my little one smiling the entire time)

But the one steady constant I've felt during my few highs and many lows is  something kind of new to me...I've been humbled. 

Ive always been a kinda sassy Judgmental-Judy type person. My vantage point always seems to be from above, effortlessly gazing down on the world--and it's not something I'm really proud of (anymore.)

i don't know where I got this chip on my shoulder, but these recent months of constantly being beaten down by minute-to-minute on the job training, has me feeling lower than low.

Nowadays, instead of looking down to see what the rest of the world is doing, I'm squinting my eyes and  straining my neck trying to see what's taking place in the world that is resting on the top floor of a skyscraper towering over me. 

All of the advice I used to give new first time moms and parents of multiple children (while I myself was single without children) now all seems like ludicrous trash. And when I think of my former pretentious art-teacher-self relentlessly berating parents about how they should be doing art with their children, and how "i know you're busy, but it's really not that hard to do..." makes me kind of want to vomit and throw a mini tantrum at how lame I was to everyone. Because seriously, at least right now in my life, looking at a paint brush is equivalent to being knee-deep in the Freddy Kruger Nightmare on Elm street pt.1 (the scariest one in my opinion)

Like, I seriously can't even fathom pushing paint out of a tube right now. And ya, I hear you "well, no one is expecting you to paint portraits while breastfeeding a 3month old" 

duh, I know that... 

but I guess, putting that "mom of the century" sash with the winners crown really isn't so make believe to me ...and wanting to be on the top of the mountain verses feeling like I'm swimming in the gutter is a lot more appealing to me than I thought...

but the reality that is hitting me over and over in the face like an endless game of paddleball is that, it's just not gonna happen right now--and that all of my unrealistic expectations are just that, unrealistic.

I'm no better (and possibly never have been) than the lady with the 5'oclock shadow holding her screaming child's hand trying to balance everything in her purse/shopping cart/life standing next to me in line at Foodland

--sigh--

and maybe once I can fully swallow that pill and let it digest without sticking my finger down my throat to try and up-chuck that fact--I'll finally be alright.

This is me and my new humbled self. 

Love it? Ya, Me too.

haha. 

 Anyway, that leads me to my next section (yay for transitions) 

My Grass is the Same Color as your Grass.. 

There is some type of misconception that since I'm a stay at home mom somehow my life is SO much easier than the working mom's/woman's  life. 

Well, let me break it down like this: 

1) my life is awesome. I got exactly what I asked for since I was like 10yrs old.

ive always said, if I have kids (which I never thought I would) that i  wanted to be a stay at home wife/mom. Maybe other women are willing to burn their bras to be a hardcore working mom, but I'll sew a bra to stay home and take care of the kids.

I am so very thankful that I fell in love and married a man that treats me wonderfully and gives me a very secure life, which allows me to live out my manifestation.

+*Of course eventually, I would like to start working again...but we'll cross that bridge when we get there**

 Anyway, with that said, this is also no walk in the park... i don't have parents or extended family that i can lean on to watch Yume anytime I want to "take a break."

i dont get to drive in a car blasting music without a baby in the car seat behind me,  I don't have other adults to interact with for 6+ hours a day, There is no point in getting dressed nicely or putting make-up on, which in my world-- if you know me at all--is pretty big heartbreaking fucking deal.

I'm the only person who can watch Yume. I don't have other options. My mom is sick, and my mother in law is elderly, my sister is busy working, my sister in law is out of state, and my husband works anywhere from 6-10 hours on any given day...

so it really is JUST me. Although we live a comfortable lifestyle, it could easily get very uncomfortable to try and afford crazy tuition to send Yume to germ infested daycare where she'll probably get sick on a weekly basis.  

So seriously, it's cheaper and far safer to have me to stay at home with Yume. Which *viola* is what we are doing. 

 I could easily say that being a single mom with healthy parents who are willing to watch baby while mommy goes to work, or wants to have a night out to drink, has it waaaaaaaaay easier than I...

But, in my recent growth spurt of maturity, I've also come to realize that my Grass is the same color as your Grass. What's brown in my garden may be green in yours, but the area of your garden which is allllllll unkept and nasty, is nice, and lush in mine.

So there is my tired, somewhat bitter rant for 2017. Hopefully it's my first and last. 

 Now....Finally, to the last section which will kinda contradict most of this blog, :)

 Making an Effort

     I'm making an effort to create again~

as I said in sooooo many words above, it's really hard to find the time, and I'm exhausted, and alone...and, and, and ...fill in the rest with my laundry list of reasons. 

but, nevertheless, I feel like the effort is everything. It's the only way I'll ever feel like a human being again (and the only way to get the sash and "mother of the century" crown i soooo desire, haha) 

 So I'm starting small with the DIY sound shakers, and as nap schedules change, and wakeful playing times open up, I'm going to make the effort to start creating again.

I have soooooo many ideas for DIY learning tools for the baby Yooom'z...

I just need to make the effort to work little at a time to create. I can do it, I just have to reallllllly try. 

I mean, If the end-all-be-all goal is to be a full-time artist then I have to keep going to reach it, no matter what. That's what I want Yume to see in me--a Mommy that is ultra creative and who makes the effort.... 

Dean and I chose the name "Yume" (Dream) because she is our dream, but what we both love about each other is that we have our own dreams that drive us to keep going. 

My dream is to be an artist/life long creator (aka, crafter.) 

i feel like now, more than ever, it is extremely important for me to keep my dream in sight, because can't you tell, it's so easy for life and responsibilities, and the mundane day-to-day to cloud the finish line. 

I have a life-long cheerleader watching my every move, and I want every move to be in the direction of my dream.

So, along with making the effort to keep up this blog...I'm going to make the effort to slowllllllllllly create and do art again. 

ive been using our daily walks to view the world the way I used to when I was in high school: looking at colors of objects and thinking of which paints to mix to recreate the color.

As stated so, so, soooooooooooo many times, I'm in no position to open up paints and buy canvas now, but that doesn't mean ever...

But, by keeping these thoughts active and prepping and pre-chopping my designs, and keeping my inspirations simmering low on the stove, I'm ensuring that when I am ready to start cooking most of the meal will almost be ready. (Can you tell that I watch the food network all day?) 

so that's that.  

take care Care Bears,  thanks for reading! Gotta go get my hiking gear to get back up my mountain to get that chip on my shoulder again, haha juuuuuuuuuuust kidding

❤ 

winnie

[fmlfpl]

Lineup Lamentations - GW24

Our Transfers, Captains, and Starting 11s.

WALSH

Transfers:

OUT: Sheepfucker Ramsey

IN: Sigmund

The worst punt I've taken so far is gone from my life. Ramsey I thought was a cheeky differential but instead he maintained horrendous form through a run of absurdly easy fixtures and was a piece of complete shit. I've had enough trial separation from Siggy after transferring him out a long while ago and feel ready to welcome him back into the fold. Not an ideal fixture at City but with no blank and good upcoming fixtures he feels like a very nice addition and a safe hold for the medium term as they are playing some good stuff and seem to have properly turned a corner.

GK: Heaton obv. 4 pointer incoming I think with some saves and 1 goal conceded.

DEF: After rightly being concerned about my three away defenders last week in which they all returned 2 points this week it's the reverse with three homes. I'm feeling pretty good about getting some nice defender points this weekend. Alonso has a bad fixture but he's bad so let's not go. Will never consider benching him with his attacking threat and Chelsea winning to nil at home is not such an unreasonable thought to me either. Brunt and Baines both have very titful home fixtures so I'm expecting at least one clean between the two and hopefully more.

MID: Pen vs pen Siggy v Yaya. I think actual Mike Dean is reffing this game.....so......yeah. Gimme some fucking penises bro. Yaya has two more games on my side and I'd be thrilled if he gets one more return in those two. Not too hopeful since he's playing center back but with pens there is always hope. Alexis goes as usual...hopefully he will be back at central striker but either way it's a tough fixture but at least can finally genuinely root for him for points as I think the number of owners ahead of me who don't own him will outnumber the number of owners ahead of me who will captain him. Finally, game number two for Alli in my side. Hoping they turn them over after such a ridiculously disappointing result at the Stadium of Light midweek.

FWD: Zlatan is growing tiresome. He will turn into Rom after GW25 I think. At Leicester is a pretty great fixture though so hopefully he does whatever. Crouch I cannot not start he's just been a festival and I love him. He will have a tough time this weekend at West Brom but who knows he's in terrific form so I'm planning on starting him for these next two before reassessing. Finally, Kane.

CAP: Kane. Again, no real question about it for me. He has a great fixture and even though they were shit midweek I'm just keeping the arm band blindly on him. I think he's the best captain pick for the weekend and with his ownership still fairly low a big game from him would reallyyyyyyy have me flying in the rankings. Spurs are still a titfest and capable of putting 4 past any bottom half side so hopefully they do it this weekend. So in summary: odds are Eriksen has a 16 pointer and Kane blanks. Story of my fucking life.

ALON

Transfers:

OUT: Le Donq Giroud, P. Jones, de Roon

IN (For -4 Pts): Ashley Barnes, Federico Fernández, KDBBBBBBBbbbb

Soooo hi :)... I went a little nuts but god it feels good. Giant weight off my dick as I was feeling down in the dumps and the pressure was on... I mean what can be said? I just brought in arguably two of the worst two starting footballers in the league, voluntarily, but also Kevin :)... Giroud had to go, I expect him to ride the pine for the foreseeable future as Arsenal have been bad since he’s been a starter end of. Phil Jones is dead as usual and de Roon has been a great fifth midfielder servant but his time has run up, I guess I’m kind of a 3-5-2 guy now, it’ll be a weekly fight between Barnes and Stan for now. 

It’s a really bad sign if I feel the need to type out the full names of the lads I’m transferring in because if I just put Barnes and Fernandez... I duno who knows. Barnes is the cheapest guy who starts basically, he’s 4.5 and he starts, and he’s actually been returning pretty OK especially considering the murderers’ row of fixtures he’s been in. Fernandez is shit and Swans are still shit but they’ve been kinda ok lately, they have no blanks, and they have some pretty decent fixtures. And Kevin is a ginger legend god amongst men. Spoiler alert he’s my captain and I’m ready to fuck. He’s got home Swans and away to Bournemouth and I need some serious points from him in these two bankers.

GK: The guy Lee Grant. He’s still a legend even though every time I write lams I’m wildly jealous of Heaton. At West Brom this year is a hard fixture to clean but he’s seen an uptick in saves lately so maybe can get me some save points and a bap or three.

DEF: Like Walsh said Alonso is a start blindly never leave my side kind of player. He’s soooo attacking and Chelsea are soooo good defensively that it doesn’t matter who they’re playing. He can assist or goal or clean vs any team in the league. Vamos Marcos. I also have Bainesy who, with no blanks and great fixtures upcoming, will be starting weekly in my side through at least GW29 and hopefully has some pens and tits to come with him. It’s been frustrating watching Coleman pickup attacking returns in three straight while Baines has none in that time but the pens and the quality will shine through I’m confident. And lastly back to my old friend Holes. I downgraded my defensive unit pretty big time with this triple transfer wildcard insanity, and Holes is gonna have to pickup some slack. He’s back off of his suspension and he’s got home Burnley so a nice chance to please me. Come on Χοσέ Λόυντ Χολέμπας (his name in Greek wtf).

MID: Alexis as usual and again I’m doubling up on Walsh’s sentiments. At Chelsea hopefully the captaincy will be not fucking insane over 50% shit and we can actually root for our guy to score points instead of having to weigh out the consequences of him scoring + us not captaining him. Has been annoying. But moving back to CF I’d probably expect him to return he’s just so good when up there. And probably a cap next week. Firmino keeps his place in the side with the three amigos hopefully all starting this week at Hull. We’ll need firepower to break this Hull side down as they’ve been a tough nut to crack lately. Firm might still be out soon but pfffff I duno. Alli gets round 2 for me too but I have no words. He fucking destroyed me last week and I’m just expecting him to rattle off blanks for several weeks in a fucking row since I transferred him after scoring 8 dongs in 6 games. Yay life. But everything feels better with Prince Harry Kevin of De Bruyne in your side. It just feeeeeeeeels good. That powder blue, that points potential, that ceiling soooo high, home Swans god it looks good. I sewed a little captains badge right on his fucking sleeve and I think he’s getting on fine in the locker room. He’s in great form and he will carry me to scenic rises.

FWD: Three meh guys but three incredible fixtures. Old man Zlatz is at Leicester who are horrible and maybe he’ll start running or jogging some more so he can get into good positions to actually score or do anything. But who knows he might blank for a month or two before going on another festive run. He probably gets like baby blood transfusions or something and then goes on dong streaks. Big Rom has been a big pile for me since bringing him in but still gotta stick with the system and believe I made a good sensible logical decision. He has yet another incredible banker home Bournemouth this week and he has no blanks so please pull another run of form out of your fucking ass Romelu immediately. And lastly the new chap Ashley Barnes from a place called Dunkerton. Cometh the Ashley cometh the hour. At Twatford I know Burnley are an absolute joke on the road but also since Ashley has started their only road games have been at Arsenal, at Man City, at Spurs, and he’s returned in 2/3! So fuck it! Fuck their away form Barnes shits on away form. He’s gonna tit, I need him to. Benching Stanislas this week as Everton have been incredible at the back lately even though Stan is probably on pens for the rest of the season with Callum’s death.

CAP: Already revealed and not too much to add here. Kevin Kevin Kevin. Incredible fixture, unplayable player, good form, team donging for fun, let’s fuck and take me up to heaven. Huge differential might mean huge rises for me... One can dream... please.