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#we all need a break over here is what im getting at
tpwk-formula1 · 3 days
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Kimi Antonelli. I would like to have my pizza with coliflower crust(grumpy reader) with Alfredo sauce. Now for the toppings, maybe with basil, broccoli and Gouda cheese. And for my drink sprite and truly. Maybe mt dew (sub reader) and yes aftercare. THANK U MY LOVE❤️❤️❤️
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Lee-Lee's Pizzeria Menu
cauliflower crust sunshine x grumpy Alfredo sweet sex basil "I love to watch my cum leak from your pretty pussy" broccoli "Made just for me huh?" gouda “Slow down? You just told me to speed up, make up your mind silly girl” sprite size kink truly belly bulge mt dew dom/sub dessert yes served by Kimi Antonelli
Kimi x Grumpy! reader
TW - riding cock, belly bulge, size kink, missionary, unprotected sex, creampie
WC 1400+
Y/N POV
"Why are you so moody today," Kimi whispered into my ear while pinching my thigh is a "behave yourself" manner.
"I'm not," I snapped whispering back getting more annoyed with my boyfriend. He just rolls his eyes at me before turning his attention back to the rest of the table and joining in on their conversation leaving me to wallow in my own annoyance at my boyfriend.
"Are you good?" Ollie asks keeping his volume down so only I can hear him.
"I'm fine, why does everyone think I'm not," I whisper back at him letting him be on the receiving end of a verbal lashing. I cringe slightly when I realize Kimi had heard me snap at Ollie making him pinch my thigh a little harder.
"I mean you're normally pretty "grumpy" but today you have this look in your eye like you wanna destroy the world," Ollie whispers softly. I just shrug and we leave the conversation there.
He was right though, Kimi had always been the golden retriever boyfriend and I was the typical "black cat" girlfriend, which wasn't necessarily false but Kimi knew the truth. It was just a way to protect myself not wanting too many people getting too close to me, but Kimi spent years working on breaking my walls down, and here we are years later still going as strong as ever. As for the modd I'm in today, it's everyone else's comments on Kimi's F1 announcement that has me wanting to "destroy the world" or whatever Ollie said.
When the dinner wrapped up Kimi and I go back to his hotel room where he finally gets the answers he was looking for.
"It's just unfair Kimi! I mean they barely even watch you in Formula 2 and then the one time they watch you, you crash and while that is embarrassing I'm gonna be real with you BUT that doesn't mean you need to wait," I continue ranting laying in bed with Kimi making him smile but start kissing at my jaw and neck during my rant starting to distract me.
"Watching you get so mad on my behalf, it fucking hot," Kimi mumbles into my neck rutting his hips into my side letting me feel his hard cock through his briefs. I just roll my eyes and laugh.
"I can't believe my very serious rant about hating the fans of Formula 1 has you so horny you're grinding into me," I joke before turning onto my side so I'm facing him and pulling him in for a quick kiss.
Kimi refused to pull away so what was supposed to be a quick peck turned into us fighting for dominance with our tongues. Finally Kimi is pushing me on my back before climbing on top of me pinning my hands above my head all the while keeping his mouth on top of mine.
"Kimi, I need you," I whine against his mouth making him let out a breathy laugh making my pussy throb just at the noise.
"Hm. I wanna watch you bounce on my cock," Kimi said with a smirk before letting me use my strength to turn us over so I was the one on top now.
I start grinding my hips into Kimi's large cock making both of us whimper at the stimulation. I pull my sleep shirt off my body leaivng me in the lacey black panties I was going to sleep in before Im shuffling my body down slightly before pulling Kimi's briefs off letting his hard cock rest against his torso showing just how large he truly is. The tip is barely touching the bottom of his bellybutton.
I instantly start jerking his cock off dwarfing the size of my hand.
"Miracle I can walk in the mornings," I mumble softly making Kimi laugh at my little comment. Losing my virginity to Kimi was terrible and he refused to touch me for weeks after but as time went on we learned how to pleasure each other taking everything slow before I finally got my redo which was amazing.
"I can make it to where you can't walk tomorrow," Kimi said with a smirk written all over his face making my cheek heat at the suggestion. I just shook my head no, knowing tomorrow wasn't a good day for that.
I release Kimi's cock and make quick work of pulling my panties down before I'm climbing back into Kimi's lap. When I grip Kimi's cock I softly tease my clit making me whimper due to how sentive I was, but I needed to collect as much moisture on his cock as possible which wasn't very difficult.
Once Kimi's cock is drenched in my essence I slowly start sinking down making both of us gasp. Once I'm fully seated on Kimi's cock I give myself a few seconds to adjust before I start rocking my hips making both Kimi and I groan at the pleasure.
I start bouncing on Kimi's cock making both of us gasp and moan at the intense pleasure.
"Fuck, so fucking tight," Kimi groans making me speed up my actions slightly but still not going fast enough to bring either of us to an orgasm.
Kimi finally takes over and flips up back so he's on top and he slowly starts pounding into me making me gasp and moan feeling Kimi all over.
"Made just for me huh?" Kimi says with a smirk making me look at him noticing that he was staring at my tummy making me look down to notice the bulge from Kimi's cock.
I moan at the sight of Kimi's cock going in and out of my body slightly stunned at how noticeable it is.
"Fuck, faster please," I whimper while pulling Kimi's neck down to me so I can kiss him while he speeds up his actions making me whimper at the intensity.
Kimi pulls back slightly and starts fucking into me faster than he was previously making me gasp and feel my orgasm start to approach. Kimi knowing my body so well picked up on this and started pushing down on the bulge in my stomach making me feel Kimi so much more than before, it was starting to get almost too intense.
"Too much, slower," I moan and gasp out through a stuttered breath.
“Slow down? You just told me to speed up, make up your mind silly girl” Kimi says with a smirk all over his face. While he kept up the pace he let up just slightly on my stomach.
"I can tell you wanna cum," Kimi says before moving his hand from my stomach to my clit and rubbing it in soft circles bringing me over the edge.
"Fuck," I whimper while arching my back and cumming all over Kimi's cock sending him over the edge with one final thrust before unloading a massive load of his cum deep into my pussy making sure to fill me before slowly slipping his cock out not wanting to hurt my overstimulated pussy.
When Kimi slipped out of my pussy he just sits back on his knees and watches as some of his cum starts leaking out of my pussy.
"I love to watch my cum leak from your pretty pussy" Kimi mumbles softly leaning down to kiss my lips making me blush at the dirty praise.
"Do you feel better?" Kimi jokes with a smirk all over his face making me roll my eyes and nod softly making Kimi laugh.
"You take me so well," Kimi says while getting out of bed and pulling me into his arms where he carries me into the bathroom where he puts me on the toilet to do my business while he turns his back and turns the shower on.
After Kimi and I shower together he helps me get dressed into a new shirt to sleep in before helping me step into my panties before laying us both of us on the bed for a cuddle.
"Did I really look like I wanted to destroy the world?" I question feeling back for snapping at everyone today. Kimi just nodded his head softly making me groan while he laughed at me slightly.
"I yelled at Ollie," I state softly making Kimi pull me into his side and place a soft kiss on my cheek.
"I know, I heard. But, if you feel that bad you can apologize tomorrow on the flight back," Kimi tells me softly knowing I won't feel better until I do apologize to Ollie. I just nod my head softly before melting into Kimi's embrace and falling asleep in his arms.
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starlight-library · 2 days
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Skate to my heart | MV1 (SM & Blurb)
pairing: max verstappen x hockey player!reader (they/her)
summary: when hockey season overlaps with F1 season, there's bound to be sparks flying
warning: none!
wc: 934
a/n: Hockey presason is back baby! also all photos for y/n is from @/PWHL_NewYork ! Highly recommend watching PWHL & supporting these women!
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maxverstappen1
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liked by yourusername, oscarpiastri, landonorris, charles_leclerc, arthur_leclerc, and 1.8m others
maxverstappen1 It was a tough race with tougher conditions but we maximised with p2 🏆 Now time for a much deserved break before coming back stronger 💪
view all 1.2m others comments
user9355 THAT'S MY GOAT!!!
user305 we only go up from here 🙌🙌
landonorris you gonna let oscar just drown you like that?
↳ maxverstappen1 compared to you? i survived ↳ landonorris RUDE???
user593 LETS GOOOOO
user29 we are so BACK!!!
yourusername beautiful driving by my goat, excepted nothing less. next manifesting a podium for austin when i go in person 🙏🙏
maxverstappen1 liked this comment ↳ maxverstappen1 challenge accepted ↳ yourusername 👀🤭
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yourusername tagged NJDevils and PruCenter
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liked by yourbestfriend, yourteammate1, your_teammate8, maxverstappen, and 928k others
yourusername 🏒🏒 preseason is back! time to see some of my favorite devils before hitting the rink with my gals 😉❤️ IN OUR NEW HOME ARENA FOR THE SEASON 😍
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yourteammate1 still sad you're a devils fans as NYS 👎👎
↳ yourusername 🤷‍♀️ ↳ yourteammate1 texting coach to trade you as we speak ↳ yourusername WOOOOW THE BETRAYAL BY MY OWN WIFE
user305 YES THE DROUGHT IS OVER!!!
user3953 OMG HOME STADIUM IN NJ?? LETS GOOO!!!
yourbestfriend so good to be back 😮‍💨
↳ yourusername SOOOO GOOD!!
user694 MY QUEEN!!!
yourusername liked this comment
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yourusername
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liked by yourbestfriend, maxverstappen1, charles_leclerc, yourteammate1, and 1.1m others
yourusername LETS GET LOUD!! 🧜‍♀️🎶🩵
view all 1.2m other comments
user4863 YES YES YES!!!
user042 FINALLY!!!
yourbestfriend THE KING AND QUEEN OF THE ICE 👑👑👑
↳ yourusername DAMN RIGHT 🗣️
user3068 👏👏👏
yourteammate1 watch out, your replacement is showing you up
↳ yourusername sadly I think they're better 🤧 ↳ yourteammate1 you can become the team photographer it's okay ↳ yourusername oh yeah for sure
user3053 SO EXCITED FOR THE FIRST GAME!!
maxverstappen1 I'd like to propose a bet
↳ yourusername im listening👂👂 ↳ maxverstappen if you can win your first game since i've bought a ticket to see it ↳ yourusername okay, name your price. ↳ maxverstappen1 if you lose, you pick up the tab for post game drinks ↳ yourusername and if i win you'd pick up the tab for post game drinks? ↳ maxverstappen1 preciously ↳ yourusername alright, your on 🤝 be prepared to lose mr. 3 time world champ ↳ maxverstappen1 ha. i don't lose ↳ yourusername you do tomorrow night 😉😉
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maxverstappen1 tagged yourusername and NYsirens
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liked by charles_leclerc, arthur_leclerc, yourusername, landonorris, and 1.5m others
maxverstappen1 wonderful job ladies. a well deserve win 🏆👏
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user2953 HELLO???
user384 bring back hockey max!!!
landonorris so when did we start liking hockey, hm? 🤨
↳ maxverstappen1 I have always liked hockey ↳ charles_leclerc if it's not f1 or your e-sports, you only watch for background noise ↳ landonorris what charlie said! ↳ maxverstappen1 Highly debatable ↳ yourusername he likes it when he's got a bet on the game and loses 🤭 ↳ landonorris OH?
user736 OMG OMG I WAS AT THE SAME GAME!!!
user203 need this man to be invited back to give my ladies a bigger audience 🙏
yourusername pay up champ 🥂💳🥂💳
↳ yourbestfriend EXCUSE ME??? WHERE'S MY INVITE ↳ yourusername sorry girlie, this was a bet made between us 🤧 ↳ yourbestfriend 😭 have a drink for me ↳ yourusername ofc boo ↳ maxverstappen1 yeah yeah. i'll meet you outside ↳ yourusername okay ☺️
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After the team meeting and the media, you leave the stadium with your teammates to the bus. Spirits are high and the energy is buzzing between everyone. You’re laughing with your teammates and spy Max standing a little further off to the side in front of his car as he’s on his phone. You put your duffel bag into the compartment of the bus before excusing yourself. Your teammates boo and pout, asking where you were going and why you weren’t celebrating with them. You quickly explain you had a bet going on with an acquaintance. Your face flushes slightly when the girls see Max and start teasing and giving low whistles before you’re turning on your heel and heading to the Dutchman, gently flattening out your black dress.
“Hello there.”
Max glances up from his phone to study you before locking and pocketing his phone before he breaks into a small grin, “Hello. Congratulations on your win.”
“Thank you,” you give a small jokingly curtsy, “I had to make sure I was not picking up this bill.” You tease. “Ready to go? Hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.”
“I am,” he steps aside as he opens the passenger door for you, “also no you didn’t keep me waiting long at all.” He offers a hand, which you take and helps you into his car before he closes the door gently behind you. You settle into your seat and start talking to Max to fill the silence. It’s surprisingly a lot easier to get the Dutchman talk when he’s asking you questions about hockey. How long have you been playing? Did you start as a kid? Why did you want to play hockey? What did you do on your off days? What was training like? What are practices like? Could he come and watch a practice?
You happily answered all the them on your way to the bar, the two of you going back and forth with a question and answer. You two end up in a booth in the corner at the bar with your drinks chatting and talking with laughter and banter between the two of you.
The night flies by and before you know it you’re back in Max’s hotel room. It’s not like it was the endgame but it was 2am and his hotel was closer than the team’s hotel. You texted your roommate before Max is passing you some of his clothes and you take a shower. You come out laughing because Max’s sweatpants are too big for you and you have to hold them up while waddling over to Max, who’s on his bed who is also laughing. He trades you the sweats for a pair of shorts and takes the sweatpants. You settle into the other side of the bed and the two of you continue to chat until somehow you both fall asleep.
Waking up the next morning, Max is already finishing getting dressed. He asks if you want to go back to your hotel and change before joining him for breakfast and you sleepily agree before you get out of bed. Somehow, you manage to direct Max to the hotel in your sleepy haze before the two of you are back in your room and you change. The two of you then go out to a little cafe for breakfast.
Then the mall.
Then lunch.
You joke that this feels more like a date.
Max states that maybe he wanted it to be a date.
You stare at him in a bit of a shock before smiling and accepting dinner as a date which Max just smirks slightly.
The date goes amazingly. Max picked some fancy restaurant but you didn’t care about that. You cared about being on a date with Max. How easy it was to talk to the Dutchman. How much of a nerd he was that the media never showed because he kept it tucked away. It was a different side to the driver that you were glad you got to see. 
After the date, you two went to get ice cream. You two finally exchange numbers before he drops you off at your hotel so you could pack for your flight. You don’t sleep, spending the night texting Max. 
You two schedule virtual dates in between your schedules. Your favorite is a virtual escape room that is Twilight themed. Max was so stressed trying to figure things out and you were laughing so hard that you almost pissed your pants but you two escaped with two minutes to spare. Max swore he would never do it again but he also needed to prove that he could do an escape room with more than five minutes to spare so it became your go to date and by the third, Max had been so frustrated with a puzzle (that he wanted to do on his own) that he blurted out ‘babe help me!’
You did but after you circled back to the comment, smiling and teasing him. You found his blush cute as he fumbled with his words before admitting since you two have been talking for so long and going on dates he wanted to ask you and had this whole thing planned but it just slipped out in the moment of his frustration. You laugh softly but smile and admit that you were going to ask him pretty soon if he didn’t and somehow him blurting that out felt somehow fitting. You two laugh but end the date on the biggest high ever.
You were dating Max fucking Verstappen.
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maxverstappen1 tagged yourusername
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liked by yourusername, landonorris, charles_leclerc, arthur_leclerc, and 1.9m others
maxverstappen1 one of us is a professional hockey..
comments on this post has been limited
landonorris not you watching her bust her ass and not helping her
↳ maxverstappen1 I did not! I helped her ↳ yourusername he lies ↳ landonorris knew it ↳ maxverstappen1 y/n! ↳ yourusername kidding!
danielric3 woooow i thought we had something special
↳ maxverstappen1 we do! ↳ danielric3 LIAR! ↳ yourusername sorry, my bad. if it makes you feel better, i totally kicked his ass ↳ danielric3 this does actually, thank you
yourusername you did be dirty with that photo
↳ yourbestfriend now girl...how ↳ yourbestfriend I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT
yourusername at least i kicked your ass
↳ maxverstappen1 yeah wait till we go karting ↳ yourusername i'll your ass there too 😤 ↳ maxverstappen1 okay schat, we'll see 🩵❤️ ↳ yourusername yes we will ❤️🩵
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samandcolbyownme · 20 hours
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POOKIE WHEN ARE WE GETTING SOME MORE COLBY FICS IM DYINGGGGG (in all seriousness I'm not tryna rush you but pleaseeee just think about writing some more soon it's been like a month I've already re-read them all like 3 times 😭🤚)
I am thankful you chose to re-read my stuff, but here!! Here’s some new Colby smut 🖤
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DISCLAIMER: This fanfiction is going to contain reader cheating on boyfriend with Colby. I do not condone cheating, it’s horrible. This is strictly for fanfiction entertainment purposes only!!
Warnings: SMUT18+, strong language, cheating, flirting, mentions of people being drunk, kissing, hair pulling, unprotected sex, general filth
Word Count: 1.3k | unedited
─── ⋆⋅ ☾⋅⋆ ───
“Alright.” You sighed as you help up the weight of Leo, your beyond plastered boyfriend, “Come on, just a few more steps, okay?”
Leo groans, mumbling some incoherent words as he slowly lifts his legs onto each step.
“Okay, just-“ you huff, “Lean.. up against, yeah.” You push him back against the wall by the door and fumble to quickly get the house key attached to his key ring.
You drop them and Leo leans forward, “I’ll get’em.”
He leans too far and about knocks you both off of the porch, but the banister saves you from going back, “Leo, stand back up. I have to un-“
The door open and Colby, Leo’s roommate walks out, “I thought I heard something out here, what’s-“
You cut him off, pushing Leo up to stand, “He’s wasted. Again.”
Leo stumbles backwards, “You.. say, that. Like it’s a ba-“ he hiccups, “Bad things..”
Colby grabs him before he can move back any further, “Alright, man. Let’s get you upstairs to your bed, yeah?” Colby glances at you and you shake your head, “I’ll be in. I just-“
“Oh come on! Y/n, cheer up! It’s a p-party!” Leo slurs, “Come to bed with me!”
“I’ll.. be there in a second. I’m going to get you some water and medicine for in the morning.” You walk in behind them and go straight for the kitchen.
Colby laughs as he watches Leo stumble up the steps, “C’mon man. You gotta lift-“ he laughs, “Lifts your legs, dude. There ya go.”
You shake your head, laughing slightly as you open the fridge door. You grab two bottles of water, turning around to set them on the counter before you close the door.
You walk over to the medicine cabinet and reach up to grab the Tylenol. Your fingers push it back and you let out a frustrated sigh as you drop down from your tip toes.
“Need some help?”
Colby startles you for a second, “Oh, um. Yeah.” You laugh quietly, “You scared me. Figured you’d be up there for a little.”
“I’m pretty sure he was asleep before he even hit the bed.” Colby walks over and reaches up, big body right next to yours as he reaches up, “Here you go.”
You take the bottle and set it down, “Thanks.”
He leans against the counter, his hand resting on top, “I don’t..” he sighs, “Stop me if I cross a line, but.. isn’t this his fourth night in a row getting wasted like this? I mean I’m not trying to judge.. or anything, but-“
“Yeah.” You cut him off, scoffing as you lay a hand on your forehead, “Yeah.”
Colby stays silent and you take a deep breath, looking over at him, “I’ve tried talking to him.. I-I- I’ve tried telling him that drinking isn’t-“ you shake your head, “Colby.” Your voice breaks, “What.. what do I do?”
He tilts his head, raising his brows as he shrugs, “Whatever you want, y/n. I don’t think-“
“No, Colby. Please. I need someone to tell me something.” You turn towards him and he turns his head towards you, staring at you while he thinks.
“Please.” Your voice is a whisper and Colby reaches up, brushing hair from your face, “I think someone out there can treat you better, someone who has gotten to know you without actually being with you.”
He steps closer, “I think I could treat you better than he can.” He bends down, lifting you up onto the counter, and it’s game over.
His lips are on yours.
Your hands sliding his shirt up his body.
His hands working to pull your shorts down as you move your hips side to side.
“You woke up at three in the morning, might as well make it worth it, yeah?” Colby mumbles as he leans back, discarding his shirt to the floor.
“Just..” you pull him back in, kissing him as you spread your legs and push his sweats down, “Shut up and fuck me.”
He smirks and pulls up into the edge of the counter, his lips on yours as he pulls your panties to the side and thrusts into you.
You throw your head back, one arm around his neck, your other hand flat on the countertop next to you.
“Oh my-“ you lay your forehead against his chest, biting down onto your lip as he thrusts roughly into you.
“Look at me, look at me.” Colby groans, grabbing your hair and tilting your head back, “You deserve so much better than what you’re getting. You hear me?”
You nod, mouth open as your eyes roll back.
“Words, baby.” Colby wraps your hair around his head, gaining full control. You whimper, eyes opening to look at him, “I deserve so much better.”
You swallow, “You can be my better.”
“I’ll kick him out tomorrow.” Colby bites down on his lip, watching as your face twists and turns with the best pleasure you’ve ever received, “Fuck, you are so beautiful.”
You gasp, your walls clenching around him as you reach the edge, “F-fuck, Colby. Colby.” Your nails dig into his skin, creating red trails as they drag across his shoulders, “Y-yes!”
Colby’s lips press against yours as he tries to silence your moans, “quiet, princess.”
“He’s passed out. Probably wouldn’t give a fuck anyway.” You pant, “Fuck, Colby. I-I’m-“ you gasp, nails digging into his skin as you finally spill over into that euphoric feeling that you’ve been seeking.
“That’s it, baby. Let go for me. I got you.” Colby whispers, “Fuck, y-you- fuck.” He pulls out, spilling his cum onto your thigh, “Shit, shit.”
You rest your head back against the closed cupboards, “That..” you laugh slightly, “I can’t believe that just happened.”
Colby fixes his sweats and walks away for a second.
You lay a hand over your mouth, tears welling up in your eyes, “That..” you take a deep breath, laughing away the tears, “Oh fuck.”
Colby steps towards you, wiping off your leg with a towel, “Sorry if I-“
“No, oh god no.” You look up at him, “I don’t..” you take a deep breath, “I don’t regret this, I just.. the timing.. of it..”
He nods, a small smile playing on his lips, “Yeah, no, I completely get it. But I’m sorry if I made you feel-“
“Colby.” You cut him off, “You have nothing to be sorry for, you want to know why?”
He looks up at you, “Tell me, baby.”
You smirk, tilting your head, “Because you have treated me better in these last few months than Leo has. Everytime I’ve hung out here, you were always the one to offer me a drink or food or whatever the case may be.”
“Leo is an immature little boy and I’m just glad we both realized what kind of person he is before he fucked over either one of us over.” He tucks hair behind your ear and kisses your forehead, “Sleep on the couch tonight. I don’t want you anywhere near him.”
You nod, “Already planned on it, but thank you.” You smirk and slip down off the counter, bending down to grab your shorts and fix your panties, “I’m just.. scared how he’ll react you know.”
Colby nods, “I’ll be there, I mean, if you want me to be.”
You nod, “Please, at least hide upstairs or something? I’ll tell him you went out with Sam or.. whatever.”
Colby fights back a smile and you tilt your head, “What?”
He shakes his head, “Nothing, nothing, I just..” he walks over, wrapping his arms around you, “Just thinking about after he leaves, how much sex we’re going to have.”
You laugh, “Colby.”
“What? Celebration sex, ya know?”
─── ⋆⋅ ☾⋅⋆ ───
I feel like this kinda sucked but aw well. Let me know what you think! I love you all so much. Thanks for reading and I’ll catch you in the next one! 🖤
Likes and reblogs are majorly appreciated!
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anangelinthepit · 2 days
Text
Without You…
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Part 4
Warning ⚠️ - possessive behavior and break in. Uncomfortable topics
************************************************
Noah’s POV
“Oh Ruby, you forgot who you were married to didn’t you ?”
I pushed the guys off of me and let out a frustrated yell. Even though I’m pissed off, I couldn’t help but begin to laugh. One man with all my power doesn’t take losing control gently and welcomes the sweet insanity that follows.
“My wife,” I said looking up at the old broken down building she resided in.
“MY WIFE. The one who is carrying MY son threw me out of her house. This isn’t fucking happening. IM THE ONE WHO CALLS THE FUCKING SHOTS AROUND THIS BITCH.”
After punching the brick wall and kicking over trash cans, the voice of reason began to try and calm my anger.
“Dude, what the fuck was that?” Nick said in a demanding tone
“A conversation between me and the Mrs,” I said lighting a cigarette
“Noah she’s fucking six months pregnant, what were you planning on doing?”
“Oh please, I wasn’t gonna put my hands on her, but she needs to remember who fucking makes the rules around here. Nick, she shouldn’t be in this shady ass fucking apartment with some bitch she barely knows. I didn’t even have to get rid of her forcefully she was willing to run off and sleep with you. What does that tell you ?”
“It tells me that you’ve gone fucking insane and need to rethink what just happened. The woman you love fears you and doesn’t want anything to do with you. Do you have any idea what it takes to stand up to a person like you?”
“Person like me? I’m her fucking husband! She should obey and respect me!”
“You should be fucking thankful you had a woman like her Noah! Whatever happened to be calm or did that just fly out the fucking window?” Nick said crossing his arms
“I tried that Nick, but it seems like my wife forgot that I’m the only one in the relationship who is supposed to have a set of fucking balls!”
“Dude I may be your henchman but I’m also your best friend and I’m telling you this because I care about you. What you did in there just pushed her even further away. You are going to push her into the wrong fucking arms. She is to the point where the only way you’re going to get her back now is if you force her.”
I looked up at Nick and smiled at him. It’s almost like he read my mind.
“Force?” I said to myself
Feeling a sensation of happiness l and pure heat come over me, I gave myself a friendly and encouraging reminder.
I’m the strongest man in fucking California right now. Why didn’t I think of this before? I’ve got all the money, power, and men to control a fucking army. What is stopping me from bringing my wife home?
“No. NO. Noah don’t you fucking dare.” Nick said glaring at me, snapping me out of my thoughts.
“Call up Davis and tell him to meet us at the hotel. Ruby is coming home.” I said flicking my cigarette.
“I really gotta watch my fucking words from now on.”
We made our way back to the hotel with Davis and Matt waiting. The only thing I could think about was how my wife was gonna be begging for me to let her come home after all of this. She'll be at my feet, asking for my forgiveness. Of course, I'll have to play hard to get but the least I can do is give in a little.
“You got the blueprints of the building Davis?”
“No, but you’re not gonna need them. This building only has two exits and get this, Sapphire is 1 of 4 other tenants. The damn place is so old you could pull apart the bricks piece by piece.”
“That's it?”
“Yup”
“So what’s the plan here boss?” Matt asked
I took a deep breath and contemplated on if this was a good idea. As much as I hate causing her so much discomfort, this is my only option. I’ll change my ways but first, she needs to come back home to me. She doesn’t understand how much I truly need her, and if she could just stop being stubborn and open her fucking eyes she would see that.
If she won’t come home willing then I’m gonna show her how scary the world is without me there to protect her.
“In two days you guys are going to pay Y/N a visit.”
“What kind of visit?” Nick asked
“You’ll see.”
Nick got up and walked away in disgust. I don't know what his problem is lately but he's turning soft on me. I'm gonna need him to toughen up a bit if he wants to stick with this family.
“Davis go fucking talk to him. I don't have time to give the princess treatment right now.”
Davis grunted and went outside to catch up with Nick. I don't have time for his emotional bullshit. Right now I need to get my Ruby back home and make sure she stays there. Permanently
Nick's POV
“He doesn't fucking deserve her goddamit!”
I yelled throwing a trash can and kicking the remnants that fell. God if only he fucking knew. Does he not understand? He had a good woman next to him and he gave it up for all this bullshit. I lit a cigarette and tried to calm my nerves while Davis came out and asked me if I was okay.
“I'm fine dude I just need a minute.”
“Well, Noah told me to tell you to toughen up.
I laughed at what Davis said, it's so obvious that Noah is wrapped in his world and doesn't have time to be gentle in nurturing anyone. How is that man going to take care of a baby? Y/N was smart to run.
“He doesn't deserve her Davis. You know it and I know it.”
“It's not my business Nick. I work for the man.”
“This can't be happening,” I said dragging my fingers through my hair
“I do know one thing though, if you keep running your mouth and don't control that serpent that's in your pants, He's gonna make me cut it off and force you to watch..”
I couldn't help but scoff at him.
“You know don’t you?” I asked
“Seriously? Are you trying to get me killed too? If I admit what I know then we’re both in deep shit. I don’t like the way he treats her either but overstepping boundaries with him is not something I have the balls to do. I don’t think you realize you dug your own grave, Nick.”
I looked up at the sky for answers but as always received nothing. Did I make a mistake? What am I gonna do when he finds out and will I be able to handle him?
“I don’t know if I can pretend anymore.”
“Look dude, fake it till you make it. Fuck some other girl or smoke some weed. I don't care, just figure it out. Also, don't make me a fucking accomplice to whatever Lifetime movie bullshit you got going on. Got it?”
I flicked my cigarette and went back inside. I’m gonna have to keep this bullshit cover-up for a little while longer, and even though it kills me, I’m willing to do it.
I’m willing to do anything for her.
Noah and Matt were talking but stood abruptly and stared at me when I walked into the room. I’ll play my card right and keep the poker face that I’m so good at having on.
“I'm ready for whatever you need me for Boss.”
Noah shot me a smirk and waved me over. Hearing them talk over the plan made my gut turn, but having to agree with it was even worse.
Poison on my fucking tongue
Two days later
Y/N’s POV
I’m still feeling shaken up about what happened. I couldn't focus at work and Sapphire began to notice I was dwelling on how things needed between Noah and me. I’ve never seen him get so angry at me, now of course we had our fights but what I witnessed was what I can only consider as maximum rage. I used to think he would never lay his hands on me but him flipping that table the way he did now has me second-guessing. Six months pregnant and he almost put me in harm's way.
“You’re fucking mine!”
“I'm not his fucking wife, I'm his goddamn property,” I said to myself shaking my head. Why the hell did I ever agree to this?
The moonlight shined down on me after another shitty night at the bar. I waved goodbye to my boss and made the drive home. Still feeling on edge I got to the apartment and was met once again with silence. I began to get nervous as I called out for Sapphire, I heard nothing until I went towards her room and could hear her shower running. Having a wave of relief come over me, I went into my room and tried to wind down for the night. Sitting down on the bed trying to massage my swollen feet, I realized skipping out on a shared probably wasn’t in my best interest. I smelled like sweat and unwanted married men's hormones crawling all over me. I let out a huge sigh and made my way to the bathroom when I got a text.
It was from Sapphire
Sapphire
Hey, I met this really cute guy, so I'm gonna chill at his place 2night. Wish me luck ;)
Me
Oh so is that why you're in the shower? Lmfao gurll you do you. Just careful
I smiled and just shook my head at my bestie's promiscuous ways. I figured I should offer her a ride to this guy's house because I don't want her walking and it also gives me an excuse to go get Chinese food. As I made my way to her bedroom door, I received another text.
Sapphire
The shower? Girl I wish, my boss is making me close 2night so I still have another two hours left.
What…
Feeling my heart drop into my fucking stomach, I read over her message about 10 times. I frantically texted her back telling her that someone was in our apartment and what I should do.
Just like in a horror movie with an awful plot. The lights cut out in the fucking apartment, I wanted to scream but was too scared to do so. I slowly began to move away from her door and tried my hardest to make my way back to my bedroom to call the police. I began to back up, trying to not make myself noticeable to whoever was in her room. I could hear the shower water cut off, it was almost like the intruder was listening for my footsteps. I wasn't too far from my room when I heard frantic running in Sapphires. Whoever was in there heard me and was now making it their mission to get me. As my fight-or-flight instincts kicked in, I swiftly turned around to flee, only to be met by a tall figure who was as tough as concrete. Being shoved to the ground I began screaming and crying for them not to hurt me.
“Please, I'm pregnant! Don't hurt me I'm begging you!”
I could hear the men laughing as I struggled to back away from them. Not realizing my surroundings I ended up being backed into the wall.
“MY HUSBAND IS NOAH SEBASTIAN DAVIS, IF ANYTHING HAPPENS TO ME HE’LL FUCKING KILL ALL OF YOU!”
Even in pitch-black darkness, I could tell that one of the men was only a couple of inches away from my face. I could feel and smell his hot breath in which I almost began to vomit. He put his hand on my stomach and leaned in to whisper in my ear
“Oh, babydoll.”
Those words cut through me like a knife
“I need you to do me a favor okay?”
I could feel something cold and sharp press against my neck and slid down to expose the cleavage under my shirt
“You tell Noah I said Hello, and if he ever lets you go again, I'm just gonna have to keep you.”
They kissed my forehead which caused me to break out into a cold sweat. God his lips felt dirty and unpure.
“Let's go boys!”
I heard what sounded like 4-5 men walk away from me and go towards my front door. My theory was confirmed when the hallway light shined in illuminating 5 men.
Before closing it, the one masked man gave me the “hush” sign and a creepy smile.
I lay there on the dirty hard wooden floor sobbing and falling apart. Making myself have enough courage and energy to get up and grab the phone. I dialed frantically and prayed he would pick up.
“Ruby?”
“Noah? Oh, thank God. Please listen to me, you have to come get me.
“Ruby, what happened?
“These. These m-men broke into my apartment and shoved me down for the g-ground.”
“Ruby slow down I can't understand you.”
I was shaking uncontrollably but I needed to pull myself together. I took a deep breath brought the phone back up to my ear and explained what happened.
“Noah I think there's a Rival group because they told me to tell you, that they're watching and if you let me go again they're gonna kidnap me. Noah Im so fucking scared please come get me!”
I fell back into hysterics and just wanted my husband. He's a fucking psycho but at least no one messed with me when I was with him.
“Are you and the baby okay?”
“Yes yes, Theo and I are fine. They just shoved me, I was able to catch myself so it wasn't so hard. Just please come get us.”
I heard nothing but silence on the phone. What the fcuk did he hang up on me? God if I can’t rely on him anymore then please protect me and my baby.
“Noah?”
“Do you finally get it, Ruby?”
“What?”
“I said do you finally get it?”
“Baby please stop, just come get me. Please!”
God, why is he making me beg?
“I can't protect you if you run away and try to be “miss independent”. Your life was always good here. If I come and get you, you better not pull this stunt ever again. There will be security in you 24/7 got it?”
I wanted to protest but the sound of phantom footsteps kept psyching me out. I didn't care anymore I just wanted to go home.
“Okay, okay, baby I will never do this again I swear, just please come get us. Noah, I can't do this on my own.”
Noah let out a huge sigh and told me he would be in about 10 minutes. I hurried and gathered my things and waited. Every minute felt like centuries, praying that those monsters wouldn't come back. I got a text from Noah saying he was here and sending Nick up to help me to the car. Oh, why couldn't it have been someone else? I waited for what seemed like forever and started to feel a nervous feeling in the bottom of my gut. I haven't seen Nick in so long, I almost forgot what he looked like. Hearing a pounding on my door, I ran over, took a deep breath, and opened it. I was met with long black hair, beautiful green eyes, and a warm smile that was always so welcoming.
“Nick”
“Y/N”
I don't know what it was but something about his smile made me collapse into his arms and start sobbing. His tight hold on me already made me feel so safe that the thought of letting go hurt.
“I got you, Angel.”
My legs could no longer hold me up and we slid down to the floor together.
“Oh, Nick. Please don't let me go.” I said sobbing into his chest
“You know I have to Angel, he's down there waiting for us.“
Nick caressed my face and made me look at him.
“Be my strong girl for me one more time, okay?
“Okay.”
Nick helped me up and walked me down to the limo. Jolly was waiting for me outside the vehicle and opened the door for me when I closed enough. I got in and could feel the tension in the air once again. Noah sat across from me with an evil look on his face. I'm not sure what I was expecting but this wasn't it. We began to drive and were only 10 minutes away from the house. I couldn't wait to shower and sleep in my bed again. I knew I wouldn't be let off so easily with this, I looked away from the window and saw that Noah was glaring at me while Nick was still facing the other way. I broke the silence and spoke which I should have known was a mistake.
“Thank you.”
Noah leaned forward and said, in a low deep growl.
“Get on your knees”
“Pardon?”
Nick snapped out of his trance and tried to grasp the situation.
“Noah she's six months pregnant, don't do this right now,” Nick begged
“Stay the fuck out of this Nick.” Noah snapped
“I said on your knees, Ruby”
I did as I was told, and got on the limo floor gently going down in my knees.
Noah yanked my chin upward forcing me to look him in the eyes.
“This is how obedient you are going to be from now on. Understand?”
I could feel tears welling up in my eyes.
“Yes”
“Get the hell up and sit there. We will talk more when we get back to the house.”
I got back up in the seat and wiped my tears. How is it that I trade one evil for another? I can't keep doing this anymore, I started to regret my decision but now it's too late. I looked over at Nick who was having a stare-down with Noah. I wish he would just look at me and not trouble the waters that we got ourselves into.
I need him right now and I don’t know how much longer I will be able to play pretend.
**********************************************
Hey guys, sorry it took so long. This story really had me wondering what I should do with. I hope you all enjoyed. Love you dearly
-Magenta 🌹
Taglist
@reyadawn @bloodylullaby @fadingintothegrey @aubrey-melinoe @supersquirrel1996 @thisbicc @amelia-acero @dreamstyles @ashdreamsalone @iluvmewwwww75 @lma1986 @concreteemo
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fereldanwench · 4 months
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im so glad this is my last day of work for the week and i have monday off
this week has been ROUGH
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lorephobic · 6 months
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idk how to even like. put this pain into words and i would normally vent about this shit on twitter, but the person its about follows me on there so like. anybody have skills for coping with the crushing realization that the person u love most in this world and have built ur life around sees ur current situation together as a temporary hurdle that's preventing them from their truest and happiest self which. is separate from u entirely? anyone know how to deal with this?
#live with my best friend in the whole entire world who. honest to god makes me the happiest person alive.#like im always waxing poetic about her in the tags on posts about platonic love#and i talk about her like she put the stars in the skies because for real it feels like she did for me#she is. the most important person in my life#and every day i feel grateful just to come home and sit with her#like honest to god i cannot imagine a future that is better than this#if i have a bad day i get to come home and my best friend in the world will make me laugh#what more could i ever ask for#but tonight we talked and she made it abundantly clear that. even if i do everything right#even if i'm the perfect roommate and the best friend i can be#in just over a year#when she's making enough money for it#she plans on moving into a place of her own#which like. makes sense for her. of course we were going to get to this point.#but i just. don't know what i'm going to do.#and it kills me that we're on different pages because for some reason i thought this was a long term thing#i thought we were going to move into a house together#i was just telling my coworker this week that we need to move into our forever home soon which was partially a joke#but also. even if i was making a million dollars a year.#i would still want to be here. with her.#or somewhere else. with her.#like it's so hard to imagine a future without her. it breaks my heart and scares the shit out of me.#and i know i can't afford it here. and i can't move in with strangers. and i'm working my dream job but i'm scared that i'm going to have t#give it all up and move back east because. i can't do this alone. and she's all i have. and all i ever wanted.#and she's leaving.#she doesn't want to be with me.#sry this is so fucking. ugh. idk. i just don't know what to do.#for real might just drop everything and move to chicago if it comes down to it ksdkfljdfs#its what sufjan would have wanted#fucked up terrible no good week
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aahsoka · 8 months
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torn between going up to my bfs house to surprise him and watch a movie with him in person instead of online tonight or if that would just make him feel stressed
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thedragonemperess · 3 months
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Episode 22 of the Vampire Diaries and I'm looking for a filler episode. Where is the filler episode. This is episode 22 of Season 1 and I am in dire need of a filler episode. These characters are great, I love seeing them interact, I want a little bit less of the rapid fire plot progression in which nothing gets the time to sit in itself or grow. How high is the bidding for a filler episode. I am desperately searching for a filler episode. Can someone please get me a filler episo-
.....What's that?
............There is no filler episode?
............................................
Well, fuck me.
#marankton speaks because why not#the vampire diaries#tvd#tvd universe#tvd season 1#what the fuck is HAPPENING HERE#also more than anything stefan and elaina need it#they have had zero moments together that werent an argument or a breakup or stefan trying to push her away over something or elaina draggin#stefan back to her for the millionth time or them hugging after a high stress situation ot them having sex#the cutest moment they've had was them waking up together and stefan being all 'i could get used to this 🥰'#and then damon interrupted and we got right back to the plot#them at duke's party in like episode 3 was cute too#and THATS IT#give them a filler episode so i can stop hoping she changes her mind for damon please 😭😭😭#it genuinely feels like stefan is just elaina's bodyguard and elaina is just stefan's therapist and they also sometimes have sex#and that's the extent of their relationship#im so sick of it bro will someone PLEASE give these bitches some chemistry#meanwhile damon and elaina get all rhese cute-ass moments together because damon is supposed to be creating tension in their relationship#but elaina and stefan dont get any moments together that make me think 'oh theyre a cute couple'#so damon just ends up looking like a better partner!!!!!#i want to like stefan and elaina but they are not giving me anything to fucking like!!!!!!!!!!!!#i wonder if fhe writers can write people in relationships or only the build-up to them because caroline and matt havent had any moments#together in like 10 episodes. and then jeremy and anna were cute!! rhey were really cute!!!! but now its looking like theyre gonna break up#so idfk anymore!!!!!!!!!#anyway#8.5/10 show cant wait to watch more#tvd liveblog
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kaidabakugou · 10 months
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coffee dates with your mom have you spilling all your dirty secrets without a second thought 😭
#kai.rambles#idk what this phenomena is but it’s apparently common lol#im gonna tmi in the tags like it’s a little face time call bc i’m waiting at the airport for my friend#but i had a little coffee date with my mom yesterday bc we both needed a little break since the family is STILL here and hasn’t left#and we just need this whole thanksgiving thing to be over bc we’re going insane with so many relatives in and out of our homes#so we went to a local coffee shop that just opened and it’s so cute btw and ITS PET FRIENDLY so i saw many doggies there#and can’t wait to take woody when this whole doggy virus going around calms down 😔#but anyway she saw that i was like fidgeting in my chair and ask wtf was wrong and i told her that i had a pimple on my ass cheek lol#and she was like how did it even get there like you take such good care of your skin??#and i was like idk it just appeared there 😅#and she was like - 🤨🤨 after your bday?#and i said like yeahhhh?#at this point i already knew she was onto me lol and we both laughed and she asked what did my bf and i do for my bday#so i told her and now she won’t stop laughing at me#for context - here’s the tmi lol - but my bf used whipped cream on me for my bday and we cuddled for a bit#afterwards with the intention of going to shower but we ended up passing out all sticky 😭#and i quickly took a full exfoliating shower in the morning when i realized but it was already too late and now i have a pimple on my ass 😭#and it’s like more towards the inside of the cheek so it fkn hurts everytime i sit down#and i was so paranoid after that instead of putting one boric acid capsule into my pussy i put two just in case#bc i was so scared that i was gonna get and infection of something but it’s been 4 days now#and nothing’s happening so i think i’m good but yeah i told her and now she laughs everytime she sees me or remembers it 😭#i don’t mind bc it’s her and i trust my mom and tell her everything but i never get into detail about my sex life#so the fact that THISSS is the one thing about it that i tell her it’s hilarious#so yeah and now whoever reads this monstrosity of tags knows too#and if you did read this then come here bc i’m giving you BIG WET KISSES and taking you out on a little picnic date 💓💓#and we can wear matching outfits and feed eachother desserts🥺
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nerdie-faerie · 11 months
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I have got to get worse at my job cus no way can keep letting them rely on me like this
#work tag#got on shift on Sunday and my manager pulled me aside when i clocked in to say thank god youre here i need you on front theyre an absolute#mess over there theyve got orders waiting nearly twenty minutes i need you to figure out whats going on and whip them into shape i know you#can just get all those order out right away just put them where you want them so you can clear that screen. and i did sort it in under 5#despite there having been 3 people on front before i got there which is more than enough people to deal with just 6 orders and yet#and today several people called in sick and one of my managers asked if i wanted some extra hours i said depends when she was like just#until ten tonight which is only an extra hour later than i finish but ive already expressed im not comfortable finishing at 9 for only a#8 hour shift cus its an hour walk back and thats far to go by myself in the dark but i agreed anyway one of my other managers then asked if#i was okay to get home if i stayed that late cus obviously there must be a reason i dont usually stay that late i was like im only walking#so it doesnt really matter but it is gonna be late to be walking back but its fine manager then comes back again and asks if i could stay#til 11 ive only done an 11 once before when they were understaffed again and she did the same but i was wary to agree to the 11 cus thats#reeeally late to be doing such a long walk by myself again other manager is like you dont have to agree to anything youre not comfortable#with then argued to the manager that ive got to walk home and i shouldnt stay however im thinking it over as i make my break and approach#the actual shift runner for this evening and suggest i stay until 12 instead cus thats when my work bestie is finishing and if we finish at#the same time i can then walk back with her instead of just doing the 10 and honestly i need the hours but i shouldnt be so relied on tbh
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dragon-zena · 1 year
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sora: im not really closer to learning the power of waking but i did help to save the world we were on
yen sid: god you are such a failure. die
sora: i am 16 years old
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swankifyed · 2 years
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Just remembered that the Wicked movie will be split into two and Chu said "[so] we can tell the story of Wicked as it was meant to be told" and Schwartz said "It’s not just about overall length, it’s about the audience needing a breather after one of the great Act 1 closers of all time. We found it very difficult to get past Defying Gravity without a break.. That song is written specifically to bring a curtain down"
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opens-up-4-nobody · 2 years
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...
#ay ay ay. my head feels like its stuffed completely full of cotton. bulging at the seems#its just that wrung out ive been crying too much feel. i just had to do a bunch of application stuff yesterday night#and there were way too many tears so i work up out of focus with salt in my eyelashes. so i wasnt that productive despite the fact i really#need to b rn. and i met with my boss for our weekly meeting and its just so many things i have to do#like theres this procedure for some new equipment we have and im testing it out but like she wants to see it in action and im like treading#close to dangerously unstable so the chances i burst into tears in public is quite high which is why i hide in my apartment and only go to#the lab when no ones there. but no im prob gonna have to go in Thursday and have to go drive like and hr away next week so we can hopefully#have all the equipment we need for another project thats gonna kill me. plus we got contacted by a group we were gonna work with last year#who wanna work with us again. which is objectively good like itll look real good on a cv to b involved and like even non science ppl would#prob find it cool. but i csnt feel any of that bc i dont kno how im gonna be able to go back and forth contacting the other lab group i#have to work with in order to do everything. which its like itll b fine#ive done it before. 2 of the 3 things i have done before so itll be fine. it just doesn't feel like it#it feels like im dissolving into pieces and everythings spinning too fast. theres a film between myself and everything else so i cant touch#anything and it cant touch me.#and its weird bc i know that burning myself out is what got me here but i still cant detatch myself from the soul crushing guilt of not#making every second productive. its disorienting bc my brain will b like: u should just stay here over break and get stuff done#and like no. thats objectively the worst thing i could possibly do. i just feel like a wet glob of paper towels. ive already committed#myself to only 13 days being gone. only have to trudge through like 21 days 1st. how? no idea#like im sure itll b fine but somethings gotta give before my brain implodes beyond repair. if were not there already#ay everytime my boss says something nice abt me to someone it just feels like a knife in the gut. like shes not lying but i just feel like#ive fallen so far that shes talking abt a past verson of me and it makes me sad. like idk how obvious it is but im sure i have terrible#vibes irl lol like the sort of pained twisted up little smiles u make when u dont wanna lie but u dont wanna b honest ay#itll b fine. i can feel the floorboards giving way so somethings close to giving just have to see where and in what form the metaphor#actulizes. hopefully it does so quickly bc im bored and tired of living like this. and i dont really wanna go home and explode into tears#like a child and have my parents deal with me. which they would bc theyre great. i just dont wanna worry them sigh...#unrelated#i should sleep bc i gotta get up and burn my brain out being a scribe tomorrow morning. at least i get to hang out with someone cool
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kateis-cakeis · 2 months
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people are really so weird and so fatphobic huh
(and oops most of my commentary is in the tags XD)
#people really out here acting like some chocolate is gonna kill you#idk maybe you should check how stats and data actually work and not just blindly trust things that get it wrong and such#because hate to break it to ya but increased risk does not equal absolute risk#it just increases the risk which is normally only by a small margin and doesnt mean anything in reality because it doesn't mean that it's#absolutely 100% going to happen that's not what risk or increased risk means#anyway this reminds of when a friend of mine took part in a study#and they were like oh yeah you have a 6% chance of a heart attack in the next 10 years#they asked if they lost weight would that decrease by a lot and the person was like uhh by like 1% it's really not the big deal everyone#makes it out to be people are just fatphobic because that's the society we've built that at all times you must be skinny#or you aren't worth anything or worse when people act like you're such a strain on the system#and that you dont deserve to have healthcare like i will scream#everyone needs to stop being so damn weird about it!!!!!!!!!!#it's literally fine it's so literally fine#you know actually thinking about increased risk with alcohol and smoking - to which is totally your choice and up to you btw#i knew someone who smoked like a chimney and drank like a fish and lived to his 70s and died of something completely unrelated#increased risk is just that increased by a certain percentage which is like not a lot in the grand scheme of things to really put it into#perspective when you have like 1 in 100 chance and the increased risk is 100% that just raises it to 2 in 100 which yes is just 1% to 2%#i will scream when people act like food is going to kill you - especially when it gets so bad people act like fruit is bad for you because#of sugar like i will cry i will start sobbing because all of this is why im pretty sure most people have disordered eating#if not full on eating disorders and that's the real concern how our attitudes make people change their behaviours and develop mental health#conditions because society is just so insistent on this one issue that you can't escape it's bad it's so bad and i hope one day#we get past all this and people can just live how they want without others getting on their backs#fatphobic people are the reason why so many people i know think they're worthless and ugly and i just that's so upsetting to me and yes yes#there's the major issues like doctors ignoring symptoms in favour of just lose weight! and then just send people into the world with 0 help#in that oh and oops now they've got an eating disorder when the problem in the first place was not weight <.<#and even if it was (which it rarely ever is) it's like okay where's the help then because there is no help and then study after study is#like oh btw dieting doesnt work lol and then what do you do what do you do im gonna start screaming hdfghsdfg#anyway sorry these tags are long im just so tired and so frustrated at the world and i hope one day people get over themselves
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coridallasmultipass · 4 months
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Personal vent and ugly mental illness symptom talk
So, I should unpack this with my therapist, but shit's embarrassing, so I'm just gonna vent it out on the public internet lmao.
I was typing out a whole thing about how I KNOW I'm aromantic, and despite that, still have moments where my brain gaslights me into believing I'm in fairytale love.
I should preface by saying I have not officially been diagnosed with either additional mental illnesses I believe that I have (B.P//D and AD//HD [which lol being on AD//HD meds since antidepressants didn't do anything has given me some notable improvement, but I'm still without a diagnosis], nor Au//tism) DESPITE repeatedly asking multiple therapists multiple times and a psych like 100 times to give me a definitive yes or a no.
But holy shit. So I'm typing about how I've 'Favourite Person'-ed multiple people at multiple points in my life across all ages, and I'm like, okay, it's been a hot minute since I refreshed my definition of that, I should make sure that's still a thing and not something I just made up or has been dropped from the symptoms or whatever the case. I wanna make sure I'm using it right in this rant about how falling into Favourite Personing people in the past has made me believe 'wait, maybe I'm not aro, this HAS to be like the deepest truest love in existence, despite my years of knowing I'm aro.' Like, I'm so aro I once calculated out the date, months in advance, I was gonna tell someone I was dating that I loved them, only because it seemed like a socially acceptable amount of time to say it. I wasn't thinking about what I actually felt lmao. (And that was probably not a FP relationship, too, so I know that was absolutely an aro incident.)
Anyways, so I'm reading a couple articles to make sure I articulate my points about how it's conflicted with being aro, and I read about how people falling into having a FP will even hate that person for the slightest perceived wrongs. (I knew this, I just was thinking about the love incidents since that's what was related to my point about being aro.)
And holy shit. That just. Unlocked a memory I have about when I was an older kid, like probably 9ish (and older), I HATED my best friend of many years and who would continue being my bff for more years. Who was my everything. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I hated them. I would lie awake at night (insomnia too tho) thinking about how much I hated them and I couldn't understand why I didn't just stop being their friend and start hanging out with old friends more instead. I just couldn't do it, I wanted to hang out with THEM. I was so sick and feeling jealous of them whenever I found out they'd been hanging out with someone else one-on-one and I wasn't invited. Even when it was their own family. One time they brought me a plate of cookies by surprise for (before) a holiday that they'd just made with their cousin or something. And I felt so sick about how I wasn't there for that, it felt like an insult. I couldn't have put this into words, unless I just now read that point in an article and made a connection. It was so confusing, because usually the people who hated their 'best friend' was like, the mean girl kinda character who intentionally does it to hurt the innocent main character or something, but I was the one who felt wronged every time those feelings would come up. And this wasn't just a 'man it's so annoying when they do this specific thing.' This was active stewing, in a slow cooker, all day and all night kinda thing.
I was never romantically or sexually attracted to that person, but I probably wrote all this off as either unrelated sexuality or gender bullshit when I figured that out later. But knowing now that there was definitely someone (actually, I'm thinking of WAY more people as I'm typing this, and just realized why I stopped loving a band and started hating them 'for no reason' wow lmao) that I FP'ed who I definitely WASN'T attracted to, suddenly convinces me that I was probably right in suspecting B.P//D. (Or, y'know, maybe I don't have that specifically, and it's the symptom from a different facet of mental illness or whatever.) I've been so hung up over how I'm aro, sometimes ace, and then this 'only' happens towards people I am attracted to. Like, 'maybe it was love and I'm just terrible at it.' (No! It's not! Aro is correct! That's just the brain manipulating me to get another hit of dopamine off a FP! It's just easier to happen to someone I'm attracted to!)
It's no fucking wonder why I always worried about people hating me in secret, and it's because I was absolutely making myself insufferable because of that worry. I know for a fact that some people definitely did hate (or. Lmao. Shut up. Like, 'resented' maybe fits better) me for demanding constant attention that was never reciprocated by anyone I've ever met in my entire life.
I probably wrote-off so many symptoms as 'I was a moody teen and kind of an asshole.' Except it happened before and after I was a teen, too. I would have excused everything that happened during and before high school, when I should have been looking for these patterns I kept following for years after. It doesn't help that my first relationship was wildly toxic (mostly against me in this one case), and while I didn't feel particularly bothered by it after I got over the nightmare breakup, I just kept going 'What if it was the sole cause of all of this and I'm just repressing that?' Well, phew! No, it's not, that was thankfully just a toxic embarrassment, and not the source of all my problems. I was already on the shitstorm trajectory. That's a major relief. If you can call it that. I really don't like discussing that one, but not in a trauma way, more like a, you don't really wanna discuss pissing your pants on accident kinda way. Unpleasant to remember, wildly embarrassing to talk about, but ultimately not a life-altering event.
Ughhhhh. Maybe I should bring this (the mental illness not the relationship) up to the therapist. But like, I haven't been close friends with anyone in like 6 years or so, so I don't have any current or even recent examples about how being in friendships has always turned out Russian Roulette for me. My therapist doesn't seem to believe how bad it was for me to be in friendships where I was unintentionally FP'ing someone. Because besides the depression and anxiety (and mild OCD), I'm a totally normal person to her who's just dealing with shit health problems and grief (and frustration from being trans and not in a safe place to transition). Y'know, normal life problems most people will feel at some point, just chronic in my case. I may be weird, but I'm obviously far from the worst she's seen. I'm not uniquely mentally ill.
((Except the whole 'treatment resistant depression' diagnosis bullshit from the psych, but I'm learning it's not just mental issues I have that are treatment resistant lol.))
I tried talking to her about a small part of all this before, but IDK what I did wrong, she took it 100% as me being the one unintentionally wronged and not setting MY own boundaries (lmao), so like I don't know how to word this in a way she'd understand that most of my problems in this area were my own fault. (I mean that both negatively and neutrally, because it's an ugly side of mental illness, but not one I chose or know how to help.)
Not being in close friendships with anyone has had an understandably sane-ifying effect on me (barring the, y'know, depression/anxiety/OCD and baseline weirdness), which has gotten me trapped for the 5th time in 6 years of making my therapists believe I'm better off than I actually am. (I've done this to every therapist I've ever had before that, too.) But like, again, at least for the past 3 therapists and the latest psych, I AM actually better for not having close friends lmao. Only one therapist ever had one visit of me wanting to address these concerns specifically while they were currently active, and by the next visit, we had to shift exclusively to sudden new grief lol. (What a shitshow. It somehow always ends up that whenever I wanna treat an illness, it's like opening a can of worms, except the worms are firecrackers and I didn't set the can down and step back a few feet.)
Like, it obviously feels safer to not have close friends at all because there's no fear of abandonment if I have no one to begin with. And, genuinely, I operate better when I'm alone. But now that I've known safety, it's hard to imagine throwing myself back into the roulette wheel, hoping I don't land on red OR black. But fuck, man. It is lonely.
And being aro? It's freeing, and validating too, to have a word for it, but I'm not gonna mince words here, I hate it. I wish I could feel romantic love. Like normal, not mentally ill ""love."" I feel platonic love all the time, like for friends (not FP) always. I love saying 'I love you' to friends and meaning it. But I want to feel romantic love. I just don't. I just feel friendship, Favoriting, and/or sexual attraction sometimes. Probably why I'm so into shipping and fanfics. I got a lot more "probably why's" but I don't wanna go down that in this already vulnerable post lol. (I already made a whole post about one of the why's back in like 2013 or 14 lmao, without connecting it to this.)
Anyway, I put this whole mental illness and relationships deal into ugly imagery in a current fic WIP I'm working on, since recognizing I was aro took living through FP'ing a few 'romantic' relationships, before I even first heard the term FP. I only saw my experiences as 'I don't think I've been experiencing love' and that by itself felt like it fit. I didn't realize there was anything wrong, even as I outwardly said shit like 'I don't think I'm fit for being in a relationship' to the few people who asked me out, even when I wanted to say yes.
And then I kept trying to make relationships work lmao. I don't know why I even bothered. I just wanted to be wrong about being aro, especially when it was a point of contention (aro and ace separately) with some of the relationships.
I'd probably have to meet another aro person of the exact same flavour of aromanticism to make it work, but even then the mental illness would just be a ticking time bomb. No one wants to be the recipient of FP 'affection', except maybe sometimes the fictional people in a certain fiction trope that winds up being fetishistic, even if it's not intended to insult real people (but sometimes it is). And it's just a reminder of how I was probably a big source of toxicity for probably half the people who have ever been close with me, if it's even half of how fiction portrays people with this symptom.
I dunno where I wanted to end this vent, so here's probably a good place. Just wanted to get this off my chest, because it just now felt like a pretty big revelation that my problems weren't related to romanticism, I've had purely platonic instances of this dating back to being an older kid, and more during high school, and I just never connected the two before now.
#dont read if u think im cool#id rather stay cool lol#long post#delete later / /#(in case i change my mind or wanna edit)#Cori.exe#Post.exe#man i talk a lot#shouldve spent this time writing fics instead but i rly needed to talk (type) this out since i dont wanna bring it up in therapy again yet#anyway lmao there we go#rly excited for the fic tho. besides the stuff i mentioned i also took this popular trope and#wait#why am i spoiling it im not gonna convince anyone who read this post lol youll just have to wait for the hot platonic smmmmmut#and hilarious storytelling by one char#and then (still a wip) round 2#bc no fic is complete until theres a round 2. imo.#((yes i know i have a different round 2 thats over a month late past when i was gonna post it lol i havent forgotten))#here we go writing an essay in the tags now too lmao#ok i need a break for my eyes and then im gonna try to write the platonic one more#hhhh anxious tht my reputation will tank from posting this. idk how i or my 2 followers will survive th consequent backlash and cancellation#(joke)#(still anxious tho)#(i have diagnosed chronic anxiety lol)#eager to know what id be cancelled from tho. maybe my puppetfuckinglicense gets revoked.#maybe my shrimp get taken into protective custody#shrustody#sorry i dont mean to make light of legit cancellations im just trying to convince myself its okay to post on my own blog#good fucking luck catching all those shrimp tho i dont even know how many i have. they control their own population at this point.#they probably have their own system of... shrovernment#Prime Shrimpister Isosceles rules with an iron swimerette i wouldnt wanna interfere with that sovereign nation
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widevibratobitch · 6 months
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i spend a few days in Poznań and i immediately start ignoring everything about Wrocław. all uni groupchats. all uni friends. none of it is real none of it exists i am happy here and i never wanna go back <3
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