#we also recently had a big health scare with one of our cats

[bonafidehero]

So I haven’t really said anything about this but just wanted to let all my mutuals and friends know that things are not going good right now. My sweet baby boy Grisly is in heart failure and is getting worse every day. It’s extremely draining and heartbreaking watching the little creature you’ve had since you were 19, who’s been there with you every step of the way in your life, die right before your eyes.

He was a relatively healthy senior dog just a month ago and now he’s declining rapidly. There are good days and bad days, and I’m just trying to make it through everyday without a panic attack. Every little change in his condition is torment. 😔 Truly, I don’t think I’ve known grief until this, anticipatory grief is no fucking joke.

So I’m sorry I’m extra quiet 🖤 thats just how I deal with things and I’ll hopefully feel up to socializing soon.

[k-s-morgan]

Another monthly update! So, this month was extra stressful since the shelling of Kyiv resumed. Unfortunately, most explosions happened not far from me, and each of them terrified me as usual. From better news, none of them damaged my home or the homes of my loved ones, and Germany seems to have given a modern air defense system to my city in particular. All missiles were destroyed lately, including today, and I hope that our luck sticks.

Of course, everything is scary even when the air defense system is at work. You’re reading the news, seeing information about 20, 50, or 100 missiles entering Ukrainian territory, and then you just wait quietly, wondering if one of these missiles is going to reach your city, your district, your house. I often feel sick with worry during these moments. I can’t distract myself with anything, I’m glued to my phone and trying to fight the uncontrollable tremors. When explosions start, it’s chilling, and even though I now recognize the sounds of air defense system, I’m never sure if I’m right. Like today: I heard 4+ explosions, I saw the smoke coming up, and I couldn’t tell if the missile hit or was destroyed because what I hear and think is not reliable in these situations.

The worst thing is when electricity and Internet disappear. I have no way to find out if the air raid continues, if it stopped or if it started anew. I can’t connect with other people, so I’m just cuddling my cats in the dark apartment under the blanket and keep praying for the best.

I reconnected with one of my friends recently. She lived on territories occupied by Ruzzia for a while, and I barely recognized her when I saw her. She looks decades older than she actually is. She witnessed some of her friends tortured and killed for nothing but amusement. Her son was shot at from the tank by Ruzzians when he tried to get some water, and the fact that he survived is a miracle. Speaking with her horrified me and broke my heart. I just can’t wrap my mind around any of this.

Your words and support mean everything to me. They help me stay strong and encourage me to keep writing. I’m starting my new Tomarry story in November, and since war will be a big part of it, I look forward to expressing some of my feelings and experiences there. I always read and re-read all of your words when I’m feeling down or scared, and I can’t tell how much motivation this gives me.

Also, huge, huge thanks to those who keep supporting me via Patreon. My financial situation has been consistently difficult for the last several months: everything is getting more expensive, my parents’ salaries got reduced, and while I still have mine, health issues gained volume. My cats, my pigeons, my family, myself — we all got sick and some of us are still recovering. Both of my cats had their surgeries this month, and this alone cost me 90% of my salary. Without your contributions, I don’t even know what I’d do. They helped me cover everything and make it through this month.

Here’s my lovely cat Tom after his surgery: he was sleeping for 3 hours right on top of me after I brought him back home.

And this is Simura. Unfortunately, this baby might require another procedure in November. She has a runny nose and she’s sneezing blood occasionally. No treatment worked so far, so we might have to sign up for rhinoscopy.

I’m excited to share the update of my Black Butler story and hopefully the first chapter of another Tomarry. Thank you for your asks, comments, notes and messages. This is a life-changing time, and all of you will forever remain a part of this journey in my memory. I’m so grateful to all of you.

My electricity has just disappeared again, but I charged my laptop enough to last me for several hours, so I’m going back to writing. Have a good, peaceful night/day!

[tidytexans]

My Dad needs help...

This next story hits close to home.My family and I have known Leah for about 20 years. Be it the small town atmosphere or just the way friends seem to feel like family, you get invested in others easily around here. Leah had always stood out to me as a very kind, trustworthy and hard working person. She actually even won a contest I was running for Tidy Texans over a year ago for a free cleaning. Which just adds the “meant to be” to this story.

While recently looking for people to bring into the Tidy Texans family to work with, it didn’t take me long and my mind went directly to Leah.. She definitely had all the qualities of someone I wanted/needed on my team.  I was comfortable reaching out to her and let her know that I had seen all her hard work and dedication and asked if she would ever want to come work and be part of the team. I was delighted to receive a response saying that she was “always down for a challenge”. 

Although Leah was working full time and also working around her kids schedules, she was still interested in educating herself more in the world of professional cleaning. I personally love teaching and have always had a passion for it so this was fantastic! Not only did it make me happy that she was comfortable enough to hit this head on but it was great to know that she was willing to ask questions and continue her knowledge of professional cleaning.

One day Leah approached me to discuss something personal. Something that I could tell meant a lot to her immediately. She started to explain things to me regarding her father and his current living situation. We talked about her Mother’s recent passing and her father’s health decline. That his arthritis had gotten so bad that he could no longer reach down to pick up things. How he had small dogs and a cat that were getting older and making more messes than usual in the home. Leah was embarrassed, like the majority of us get in similar situations, so even discussing this was hard enough. Let alone the personal struggles of seeing her Father’s home this way without the time to help the way she wanted to due to her work and personal obligations. Little did she know how much strength it took to open up about a situation like this. 

On top of it all, reaching out to a professional cleaner, wondering about prices while dealing with the emotional toll as well. It’s so much in an already hard situation. So while she’s telling me this situation, describing the big repairs of fixing the roof, the deck, ripping up carpet to fix the flooring, I knew that I wanted to help. I knew that Leah and her father would benefit greatly from gifted services. I truly wanted to help her and her family. 

After offering this to her, she refused immediately. Which only made me want to help her more. So after a little convincing, we made the arrangement that Tidy Texans could share her story and we’d offer our deep clean services for free. And you may ask yourself, why did she need to share her story? To hopefully reach more people in similar situations that, like her at one point, were too scared to reach out. 

The day of her scheduled cleaning, we had a snow day and needed to reschedule. Leah was still heading out that way for the weekend. Even though we couldn’t physically be there to help, I made a Tidy Texans cleaning caddy up and supplied everything that she would need for an extreme clean. This was the least that I could do at the moment. She sent photos of all her hard work and my heart was so happy. I was so proud of her.

At this point, I still hadn’t seen complete photos of the entire home. So we didn’t entirely know what to expect during our clean. Being familiar with similar situations, I had an idea of what I should expect. As we walked in, we were greeted by two elderly Chihuahuas. Naturally, I had to become best friends with them. Walking around with my new companions, I noticed many cobwebs, extensive thick dust layers, animal droppings and an abundant amount of animal hair. Some of the flooring was damaged with holes and the ceiling had some visible rot.

Everything needed to be moved and completely wiped down. We gathered laundry and proceeded to wash those items. We took up rugs and transferred them outside. We also gifted a new rug for the home. The clean was extensive. I don’t honestly remember how many hours we worked but it seemed to go by so fast as Leah and I talked more and more about her family. She told me that this was the house that she grew up in. Their Christmases were spent here. She told me with such care about her how Mother kept up with all the housekeeping and that her unexpected death, only a few short years earlier, led to her fathers downward spiral. She boasted about her Mother and told me that was an artist and actually painted a mural on the wall. 

She explained how her father was so attached to so many things in the home because they were a part of her Mother. I knew at that moment that I didn’t want to take anything from him but that I wanted to leave him with a new beginning. One that he could be happy and healthy in. One that his family would feel comfortable visiting regularly so that they could make new memories. One that would still allow for him to be close to things that reminded him of his late wife.

With most projects like this, I hoped that I was doing this not only up to my standards but his as well. I was extremely pleased to know that he walked in and was in pure amazement. He was so happy and even motivated to keep the house in better shape from this point forward. 

I’m so honored that Leah felt comfortable talking to me about this situation and her family. That she trusted me enough not only as someone to help her with her family home but as a friend. Leah is a beautiful person who deserves someone to see all the hard work that she’s put in.

Tidy Texans plans to make arrangements with Leah to further care for her  family home and we’re hoping that we can get him in a rotation for regular maintenance.

Thanks Ya'll!

www.TidyTexans.com

[fizzingwizard]

Episode 34 arrives and it’s a MUCH NEEDED breath of first air. I mean, this episode could have actually BEEN a 99 Adventure episode. I guess at least one person on the production team has actually seen the old show at least once!

In my opinion, it doesn’t quite equal the cuteness, silliness, and personality of similar 99 episodes, but it comes very close, and it’s certainly the best we’ve had in a long long while.

And it’s all because of these two.

More below!

The episode bizarrely begins with Tailmon barking to communicate with Komondomon. Which raises the question, if no one could talk with Komondomon before because he can only bark, how were they communicating? Did Lopmon just tell Komondomon everything he needed to know and tell the kids “just follow his lead” or something??

Also Tailmon’s opening line being her barking is pretty surreal. And yet, fitting for a cat Digimon who is a dog at Child level.

The kids are shown taking a break - the first sign that this episode is gonna be A Bit Different.

Taichi: Something feels weird. Why aren’t we fighting?

Sora: Taichi, don’t you think you should rest once in a while?

Taichi: I mean, I do, I just got the impression the rest of the world didn’t agree...

Sora: By the way, why do we like this world that constantly tries to kill us and never gives us any pleasant memories so much? Why don’t we just take our partners to the human world and leave this place to its fate?

Taichi: How else am I gonna get an outlet for my pent up aggression and adrenaline junkie issues?

Sora: That’s your backstory?

Taichi: I’m a complicated man.

Komondomon then randomly jumps... into the sea. “Oh no, they’ll drown!” No, they won’t, because Komondomon has the ability to build a dome over his back trapping oxygen inside. Submarimon I get, but Komondomon?

As they dive, Tailmon explains what we learned last week about Millenniumon trying to resurrect himself with a new body. Apparently a very large fragment of him is located undersea in a place called Farga (transliteration TBA). She thinks resentfully about how she was almost absorbed into Millenniumon’s most recent resurrection effort.

Hikari tackles her with a comforting hug, which Tailmon seems a bit discomfited by. But does not object.

Tailmon considers defeating Millenniumon for good to be her personal mission as a Holy Digimon. Patamon sees her determination and does his best to put on his game face too. It’s like being glared at by a sock puppet.

Tailmon: I can’t allow Hikari to be put in danger. It’s my job as the Holy Digimon -

Tailmon: - gosh darnit and she’s just so cute too!

They wind up getting hit by a rip current or something?? and thrown into another weird submarine sort of thing. They discourteously break a hole in it and wind up inside a self-sustaining underwater kingdom, apparently, which instantly goes on Red Alert as Manbomon come to attack them.

This is Daipenmon, or Big Penguin Monster. I love him. He is glorious. Gaze upon his expression of perpetually stoned haze.

Daipenmon: You try steering this thing every day in and out nonstop without turning to hard drugs.

She attac!

While fighting, some Mantaraymon break in through the hole they made and the Manbomon go to drive them off as apparently they are not welcome. Then MarineAngemon appears in all her creepy glory and they sort everything out.

MarineAngemon: Oh, Tailmon, I see you’re a Holy Digimon! I can tell by your Holy Ring. I have one too.

Takeru: Patamon, why don’t you have a Holy Ring?

Patamon: .... -.-’

Look! See! So cute! They are floating on bubbles! All the kids get their own and each has an individual design that shows their personality. Here Tailmon tries desperately to keep Hikari from falling off. I missed this kind of thing! Flashbacks to Monzaemon’s Toytown...

Turns out MarineAngemon is extremely small and the scene before was all “don’t pay attention to that man behind the curtain” type scare tactics. Not very effective since no matter how big MarineAngemon gets, she’s still extremely adorable. She invites them to stay the night. I really expected it to be a trap, but it wasn’t.

OH MY GOD IS THAT FOOD ARE THEY EATING ACTUAL FOOD OMG OMG

quick someone alert the producers! Someone’s having FUN with this show! I was starting to think that was illegal or something!

It’s not AS fun as when they went to Devimon’s illusory castle in 99 Adventure and stuffed their faces after starving and living on potentially poisonous eggs for a week... but I’ll take it.

Meanwhile an undersea band plays music and Taichi ACTS LIKE THE FIFTH GRADE CHILD THAT HE IS. For about 0.5 seconds but HEY he did something child-like! holy cheez wiz batman!

Hikari is mysteriously absent so Tailmon goes to find her. Turns out she’s asked MarineAngemon to heal Komondomon who is tired and wounded from their journey. Tailmon’s like, “Aw, what a nice person she is.” I’m all for exceptionally kind-hearted Hikari, but taking care of Komondomon should have been priority 1 for EVERYONE. At least Sora should have thought of it. I can see Taichi being too forward-focused, and Takeru a dumb eight year old, but Sora would definitely have thought about Komondomon.

Clearly the show wanted to establish how nice Hikari is, but I hate when shows inadvertently make all the other characters look like asses just to trump up the current star...

Taichi’s digivice glows and...

... MINI KOUSHIROU RETURNS!!! Hurray!

Um, what’s that Sora’s drinking? A mimosa? o.O

Well anyway, Koushirou just shows up to remind everyone of the situation with the satellites and that things are getting worse.

Taichi: Do you have any idea what we can do about it?

Koushirou: No, but I’ll keep you posted.

Taichi: Thanks for nothing braindead

Koushirou: That’s it! You’re not the man I knew in episode 3 anymore! I want a divorce!

Taichi: Fine with me it’s not like you’re ever home anyway!

Koushirou: Well at least I’m not cheating with YAMATO!

Taichi: I HAVE NEEDS!

*cough*

Uh, I know Taichi is shorter than Sora, but he looks... pretty tiny here... lol. Or maybe Sora’s just had a growth spurt again.

They spend the night sleeping in bubbles. Aw.

By the way, question: the kids seem able to walk and breath normally in MarineAngemon’s kingdom... but the fish-type Digimon can also swim around normally. And it seems the kids wouldn’t be able to survive in the ocean itself, but they and the fish can both survive here? And yet bubbles? What... what kind of scientific anomaly is this place??

So... MarineAngemon’s kingdom appears to be a Whamon’s corpse! X’D Wow that’s dark.

They are attacked by Anomalocarimon! For reasons. Actually, they did explain earlier that the ocean Digimon have been more aggressive lately and it seems to be the influence of Millenniumon’s stone in Farga or whatever.

Daipenmon: This sucks I don’t have health insurance

Tailmon frantically tries to fight off the intruders while also keeping Hikari out of danger. This entire episode is about Tailmon wanting to protect Hikari and keep her at arm’s length so she doesn’t end up in danger, while Hikari just keeps trying to stay close to Tailmon and support her.

Tailmon: I can’t take you with me, Hikari. It’s too dangerous.

Hikari: Fine. Big brother, will you bring me into the heat of the action with you?

Taichi: Sure thing.

Tailmon: ...

In his defense, Taichi does seem a bit freaked when Hikari TAKES A FLYING LEAP off MetalGreymon toward Tailmon.

(no I really love that Taichi immediately understands why Hikari wants to fight and takes her right to her partner without even a token “nuu but you’re still a baby.” I mean, if Yamato’s cool with Takeru being in danger all the time, Taichi shouldn’t be much worried about it...

Hikari has a flashback! Turns out she’s heard Tailmon calling for her since she as a little kid!

She caught one of Angewomon’s feathers back then too.

Hikari promises Tailmon that she’ll be by her side. Awww.

Hands again.

Crest of Light! I kind of expect that we’ll find out about the Crests and what they mean really fast at the end of the season... although I’m still kind of hoping Mimi is mining Crest crystals atm.

Hikari is able to magically produce a Digivice... I’d completely forgot she didn’t have one till now.

Here I expected Tailmon would evolve, but instead, the power of Light appears to give everyone a power boost like it’s done in the past. They all glow with their Crest colors, kids and partners alike (except for some reason Tailmon glows yellow???) and launch a joint attack on Anomalocarimon and defeat him. Yay.

Then they say goodbye to MarineAngemon and go on their way, I guess to Farga.

So... yeah! it was a nice episode. It had a theme. There was fighting, but it didn’t overwhelm everything else. There was character development. I really can’t complain about it. And it was SHOCKING that Taichi had so few lines (compared to what’s become the norm - a GOOD shock but still I was like “omg what’s going on!!”)

I am just confused because why is this sort of episode happening when we haven’t seen it in ages? What happened in that interim between when they all met up after the first team split up and just now that prevented the show writers from having fun with the show and just writing nonstop fighting all the time? I’m so confused. It makes no sense. Still suspecting that they couldn’t get anyone to come in and voice characters for long enough so they just focused on Sanpei Yuuko/Taichi, but without the others they couldn’t figure out how to push the show forward and make it fun too... Idk. It’s so weird. But oh well. We got a good episode, and maybe it’s a sign of changes to come. I hope so.

Next week...

We get attacked by a scary looking Digimon and Hikari... Idk, thinks she can block the attack somehow? haha. Aw but look how awesome she is protecting her brother and Greymon!

Hikari gets touched by the dark powers! Oh noes!

And more cuteness.

The episode title name-drops Angewomon, which surprises me because I figured they’d hold off on her and give Tailmon Nefertimon for an evolution first. But *shrug* whatever! Looking forward to it.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #375

“why do i see her, the never-ending night  /  why do i see her, wearing nothing but the dark?”

Who’s one person who changed how you viewed something? I hold Rhett & Link responsible for "curing" my homophobia. I went through a phase where I shipped them like CRAZY, and they're still my "OTP," and it really made me question why I had such a disgusting belief. The switch was officially flipped when listening to their podcast with Hannah Hart, who discussed growing up as a lesbian surrounded by homophobia. Let me tell you, it felt fucking good to let that repulsive belief go. It was my former religion that tied me to it, but it could no longer be an excuse to me, even when I stayed Christian a while longer. And here I am now as a bisexual woman who wants to deck younger me dead in the face. :') Were you ever scared of driving? What scared you about it? I am TERRIFIED of driving. I'm most scared of getting in a wreck and killing somebody, something I would never. Ever. Ever. Forgive myself for. I'm also petrified of, once again, getting in a wreck and I wind up paralyzed from the neck down. The most memorable time that you skipped school, what did you do? Nothing very exciting. What was the last topic you did thorough research on? Why? Toxic masculinity for an essay in college. What is a dish you absolutely love, but hate to prepare yourself? I don't cook, so. Of the many different American accents, which one is your favorite? New York. Is there anything hanging from the doorknob in your room? No. Why did you move to where you’re living now? Because we had to get out of our former house because the growing mold problem was a health hazard (especially for Mom, given her then-recent cancer diagnosis), and our family friend newly owned this house as a part of the former resident's will. Said resident knew Mom as well and the house problems, so she wanted Tobey to help us into this house anyway. What’s your opinion on wearing pajamas in public? Do you yourself do that? I literally couldn't care less. I do it a lot. Do you usually fill up at the same gas station? No; Mom just pays attention to the price. Are you currently looking for a new job? No. I don't plan to until I'm done with TMS therapy. Are any of your relatives musicians? No. Have you ever had an asthma attack? Thank goodness no. My mom has asthma and I have seen her have an attack, so I know they're terrifying. Have you ever been in a hospital and not felt safe? There was one occasion during a psych hospital stay that my roommate had WILD anger issues. She would explode out of seemingly NOWHERE, to the point once or twice she had to be put in solitary because she would literally scream and damage shit, like throwing tables and such. She scared the piss out of me to the point I finally plucked up the courage to tell the nurses that I needed a different room. What’s the highest fever you’ve ever had? I don't remember. Have you ever been hospitalized for a day or more? At psych hospitals. I think my shortest visit was just shy of a week. Have you ever had surgery? Two. Are you lonely? I'm admittedly very lonely. Are you mad at someone right now? No. Do you eat late at night? I sometimes need a small midnight or so snack because I cannoooooooot sleep when my stomach is growling. If I'm in basically any sort of discomfort, I have extreme trouble sleeping. Who do you miss? A lot of people. I miss Jason, Megan, Mini, Hannia, Emily, Journee... I don't feel like dwelling on those I've lost. Who do you admire most? Mark. If you could transform into any animal what would it be and why? Maybe a cat. Quick, agile, stealthy, majestic, well-equipped to defend itself... sounds pretty good. Are you more artistic or mathematical? Definitely more artistic. Which supermarket do you usually shop at? Wal-Mart. When was the last time you went to McDonald’s? I'm not sure, but it's been a while. Maybe around a month. What was the last chocolate bar you ate? I believe I had a 3 Musketeers because I was really craving one. Who was the last person you talked to on Skype/video chat? The woman who was doing my evaluation to determine if I was a good fit for TMS therapy. Can you remember the first time you ever talked to the person you love/like? Does he/she remember? I think I might have a vague idea, but I don't really remember. Would you be able to have a relationship with someone you didn’t find attractive, if they had a nice personality and treated you well? Yep. It sounds cheesy, but I do mean it when I say a beautiful inside blossoms into the body itself for me personally. Does the last person you kissed have brown eyes? Yes. Have you ever really liked someone to begin with, then changed your mind about them? I guess you could say Girt, because I had a pretty big crush on him when I started HS. We were just friends for way too long that when we finally dated years upon years later, it felt much too weird. He really was my "brother from another mother" by that point. Has anyone ever told you that they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you? Aaaaand he left. :^) If you decided to dye your hair, would you choose to go lighter or darker? Lighter. I want to dye my hair pastel colors so very badly. Do you know what the Enneagram is and if so, what’s your type? INFP. Do you listen to Mayday Parade? I only know "Terrible Things," which I positively adore. Do you have trouble falling asleep at night? I have an extremely hard time sleeping at night. It's honestly one reason I sometimes sleep so much during the day. Are you on a laptop, desktop or phone/iPod? A laptop. Have you ever been so angry that you screamed out of nowhere? I've screamed into a pillow. What’s the longest movie you’ve ever watched? I dunno, maybe over three hours? What was the last thing you watched on Netflix or Hulu? I have no clue. What do you think about your current relationship status? I mean I miss being in love and having someone who sees a future with me, but I know in the deepest part of me that it's wiser that I stay single until I figure some things out. Of most concern, I don't have a job or even a confident sign I'll have one soon, I'm not in school headed for a career, I don't drive, I don't cook... I'm a liability, financially and in other ways. It wouldn't be fair to my partner or even myself to go into a relationship with a heavy risk of heartbreak because I'm taking too long to get to where I want to be. I'm 25 now - if/when I get into a relationship, I want forever, and I'm not wasting time on anyone for almost inevitable failure as romantic partners. I want to AT LEAST have a steady job before I enter another relationship. How many people have you kissed? Three or four. Do you go out on dates? I have no one to go on a date with. Do you kiss on the first date? I never have and probably wouldn't, but I guess if things went very well and I was really into the person, maybe I would. What’s the farthest you’ve gone with someone? Doing to do. Would you rather receive a stuffed animal, flowers, or chocolate? I'd really appreciate any. I think flowers are sorta overrated though honestly, like someone ripped some healthy flowers from their roots and doomed them to a quickly-approaching death, but society still has a part of me thinking "oh that's sweet." I think more than anything, I'd be crazy over a meerkat plushy. Or would expensive jewelry just be fine? You really don't have to do that for me; I don't really wear much jewelry at all anyway. Odds are you'd be wasting your money. What’s the cheesiest romantic gift you’ve ever received? I don't know. Do you like romantic poetry? Yessssssssss. Have you ever been rickrolled? I'm unsure. Do you like bologna? Yeah. It was my favorite lunch meat as a kid. Have you ever had a nose bleed? Yes. Have you ever puked on a fair ride before? No, because I don't go on rides that generally induce that sort of risk. What animals have you ridden? Just ponies. What is your parents' idea of grounding you? Taking away my access to the computer. Dragons or unicorns? Dragons! Do you wish vampires existed? Uh, no. At the moment what is your favorite song? I'm going through another phase of really digging "Castle of Glass" by Linkin Park. Have you ever been pantsed? No. What is your favorite magazine? I don’t read any. Did you ever like Barbies? Do you currently like Barbies? I never really was, I just played with them when my little sister wanted to. I was more into playing with my dinosaurs and Pokemon and stuff. I'm not into them now, either. What’s your favorite hit song right now? I don't know what songs are "hits" right now. What’s your favorite element? (fire, water, air) Fire, aesthetically. Have you ever been to a wild party? Nah. Do you put on a robe when it’s cold? I don't own a robe. Is the last person you kissed gay? She's demisexual. What breed was the last dog you saw? She's some sort of hound mix. We think there might be dalmatian in her, too. What type of day are you having? It's been all right. I'm just REALLY not feeling this damn heat. Driving an hour and back to the TMS office in a car that has no A/C is agony. Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced? It's been pierced multiple times, and I want to do it again, but this time with a nostril hoop versus a stud so the goddamn thing stays in. Do you prefer warm or cold weather? I have an incredibly strong preference for cold weather. Fuck the heat. Like just 70*F is "too hot" to me. Who was the last person you talked to in person? My mom. Do you hate the person you fell hardest for? No. Do you like rain? Yes, but I don't like being caught out in it. I just like looking at and listening to it. Have you ever liked somebody and never told them? Yep. Do you like to cuddle? If I really like you and it's not too hot, yeah. Are you shy? I'm excruciatingly shy. If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you? Hunny, I'd do that for free. Which do you like better- zebra print or leopard print? I'm not really a fan of either particular pattern on anything but the animal. Do you have any stickers on your car? I don't have my own car, but Mom has one that allows her to park in her old school's parking lot. Do you watch Pretty Little Liars? No. My sister Misty, tho

[flames-bring-a-ton-of-ash]

Hi Ash! :) I've spent the last 20 minutes or so going through your cat tag and your cats are so adorable! It seems Lydia is very talkative and she's really cute. I love her little antics lol. But I saw that you had another cat before Lydia and I think her name was Sybil? May I ask why you chose to find a new home for her? Did Julian not get along with her? Hope you don't mind me being nosy. 😉

Hello! I’m so glad my cat content just gave you 20 minutes of entertainment! Lydia has gotta be the most talkative kitty I’ve ever owned, and does she ever have a unique personality lol! She’s as loud and obnoxious as Julian is quiet and calm, but they balance each other out perfectly. 

I’m gonna put a keep reading bar for the rest, because my response got way longer then I expected, but also that situation wasn’t one I could explain in just a sentence or two.

I did have a previous black kitty named Sibyl. I got her as a kitten after a previous adult cat I owned (named Sebastian - I had adopted him as an adult cat and he had a lot of health issues and ended up having to be put down at a pretty young age after a battle with cancer). My first cat, Julian, who I got back in grad school, is superrrr social and grew up when I lived with two roommates, a dog, pet rats, and various foster kittens. So I’ve always wanted him to have a furry buddy, especially when I moved out on my own and had a job that kept me from being home during the day. So originally I got Sebastian, who passed away after I owned him for about 2 1/2 years, and then I got kitten Sibyl, and her and Julian got along fantastically. Julian loves kittens and is such a sweetheart. I owned her for about a year and a half, and though she was easily startled by noises and hid from everyone else, I never had any issues with her and she was such a love bug. 

There was an incident one evening where, to my best knowledge since I only heard it and didn’t see it, she was in the litter box and I don’t think Julian knew. He went to run in the box himself and I think scared her so badly that it’s like she flipped on him (one big lesson I learned from this is make sure the entrance of your litter boxes face out across the room, so that a cat can see immediately when they enter the room if another cat is already in there). She attacked him, and I separated them for the night, thinking she just needed to calm down. Well, she never did. I spent almost two months trying to slowly re-introduce them, and every time she had any sort of access to him, she’d attack him. And not in a regular cat spat kinda way, she was trying to kill him (he still has a scar on his mouth from the time she got away from me and flew into him for not even 10 seconds before I grabbed her). I’ve seen plenty of little cat spats, but I’ve never seen a cat focused on legit doing as much bodily harm to another as possible, and it was honestly pretty terrifying (and the ultra weird part was I could run in between them and grab her and not once did she ever turn on me). And Julian never fought back, he’d just huddle there shaking in a ball until I got her off him. I went to two different vets, consulted with an animal behavioralist, did alllll the medical tests and tried allll the behavioral techniques, and nothing worked. I think I watched every video and read every article on the topic that I could find, hoping there was some magical answer if I just tried hard enough. It was one of the most helpless feelings I’ve ever had, and on top of that I live in a one bedroom apartment, so I had them separated with one in my living room and the other in the bedroom. And since they both loved attention from me, I literally had to take shifts when I wasn’t at work with playing and cuddling with one while the other meowed and scratched at the door, then would switch and vice versa. It really took a toll on my mental health, and I have so much empathy for anyone who ever has to go through a similar situation. 

So, eventually, as Sibyl’s hypervigilance and aggression towards Julian started to get worse, not better, I made the heartbreaking decision that Sibyl needed a home where she could be the only kitty. I kept telling myself if she’d just give me one little sign of progress, I’d keep going, but she never did. If anything, she became so hypervigilant that she never relaxed and would just pace back and forth in front of the closed door and growl and hiss. It was heartbreaking, and it started to get to the point where I was afraid it was going to traumatize Julian because he was, understandably, scared a lot of the time because of it. I really wish I knew what happened in her little brain that made her see her harmless brother as the enemy, but I resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never know. I tried finding her a home through some FB groups, but let me tell ya, people can be horrible. The amount of judgment and poor advice I got was horrendous. So instead I came onto tumblr and made a post, and my followers were SO supportive. And because of this lovely site, one follower reached out to me and said her sister had recently lost her own little black kitty friend and was looking for another one. I spoke to the sister on the phone, who was just the sweetest human being ever (ya know that feeling when you get all the positive vibes and can just tell someone is a good soul? Yea, I got that immediately), and the very next day I packed up Sibyl and drove her a few states down South to her new home. Leaving her that day was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I cried the entire drive back. But her new mama loves the crap outta her, and I know now that I was just a step along the way for her to find her real furever home.

Now, even after being attacked multiple times and dealing with all that stress, Julian was still depressed af that his sister was gone. The apartment just didn’t feel right and I knew that he would hate being an only cat, so I started looking online at kitty rescues, and a couple of weeks later, we got Lydia. She was exactly what both he and I needed to lift our spirits and get us back on track. And though that situation was one of the hardest I’ve had to deal with, emotionally (which might sound ridiculous to some but my cats are my kids and I always swore I’d do whatever it took to make them happy - never thinking it would mean having to give one up), it ultimately led me to this little floof ball who is currently sleeping on my lap, and so I think it’s safe to say that it all worked out exactly as it was meant to in the end :) 

[sweaterkittensahoy]

The story of Britton Bean started with finding her photo on the Humane Society website. It was April. We weren’t supposed to get a dog until July. 

But. Those ears. 

And she met all the requirements we had for a dog: Small (apartment management requires dogs under 20 pounds); female (to hopefully make it easier to become friends with the bestie’s dog; a rescue. 

So, I posted this tweet, then frantically texted @whatsmyappeal​, who was at work. Basically trying to talk myself out of going and meeting this dog. Because I knew. I just <em>knew</em>.

I mean. Those <em>ears</em>.

Here’s the thing about adopting a dog in PDX: If you adopt through the Humane Society, you have to move fast. Dogs and cats get adopted fantastically quickly in PDX. On average, dogs who pass behavioral tests and physical exams can be put up for adoption on Tuesday and gone by Wednesday. PDX is such a busy place for the Humane Society, that they take in a LOT of animals from neighboring states. It’s called the Second Chance Program. Animals from neighboring states who pass health and behavioral tests are sent to PDX so that shelters near-capacity can keep space open for animals that need more specialized care or simply more animals in general. 

We’ll circle back to this in a second.

So, here’s this adorable, scared little girl up for adoption, and I’m trying desperately not to run out and grab her. We’re traveling in June and July; which is why we decided to wait until late July to even consider adoption. I had been looking at listings just to get a sense of how often small dogs came into the shelter. This was not the moment to adopt. 

But. I knew she was ours. I just knew it. 

I ended up calling the husband and laying out a plan. We’ll go and meet her. He gets final say in if we take her home. If she doesn’t feel like a good fit to him, we’ll wait. It’s important that we both want this dog. 

We go. We fill out paperwork. We wait an hour. We go into the meeting room, and here she comes. She’s scared and nervy. Incredibly quiet. We find out she’s had a very, very exhausting week. 

On Monday, she’d been found on the streets of Fresno. 

On Tuesday, they’d put her on a truck to bring her to PDX.

On Wednesday, she’d been spayed. 

And it was now Thursday, and we were meeting her.

Sean and I took a few minutes to discuss pros and cons: We couldn’t get a real sense of her overall personality at the moment because she was clearly terrified and exhausted. But we’ve always planned to adopt a rescue, so we’re well aware of issues we may have to overcome. What we had seen was promising. She was sweet and curious, if a bit shaky. 

We took her home. On the drive there, we changed her name from Butterfly (named by the shelter) to Britton Bean. ‘Bean’ because she’s small and ‘Britton’ after my great-grandparents. They’d always been dog lovers and no one in the family had used the name elsewhere, and I think they’d have been delighted to find out our pup had their name. 

We got her home, and put her inside, and she sniffed around for a couple of minutes, then spotted the couch and LEAPED onto it, rolling around and digging at it in clear excitement. 

That answered our first question: She knew what a couch was. She probably hadn’t always been a stray. 

A couple of hours later, we had answers to other questions: She knew how to walk on a leash. She liked belly rubs. I had no doubt that before she’d been found in Fresno, she’d been somebody’s pet. 

For the next two weeks, she basically slept. Can’t say I blame her.

When she wasn’t sleeping, she was on watch. A few days after we got her, we took her for a car ride. She climbed right into Sean’s lap in the driver’s seat and stared out the window. She knew what a sweater was and liked to wear them. She knew to flop over to get her harness put on. 

When they’d found her in Fresno, she’d clearly recently had puppies. But she was found alone, and the guess was that the puppies had been weaned, and she had been dumped. Frenso’s got a bad habit of that. 

It didn’t make sense to me. She was two years old. If they’d only been using her for breeding, it seemed unlikely she’d be so good on a lease or want lap sits or know how to ride in a car. And while she was a bit skinny when we got her, she only had to put on a pound and a half to get back up to a good weight. Strays who have puppies tend to need to recover a lot more than that when they’re picked up by rescues. And if they’re lifelong strays, they don’t know how to walk on a leash or what lap sits are. 

Looking at our girl and knowing what I knew of backyard breeders, I did some research, and I came to a conclusion. Our deer-headed, big-eared, long-bodied baby was a Chiweenie. 

A Chiweenie is a “designer breed,” which is the nice way of saying someone got it into their head they had to further cute-ify dogs to their exact liking, and so they took a Dachshund and a Chihuahua and had them make babies. Now, where I come from, we’d call that a mutt, and there’d be an ad in the paper for free puppies. But since someone did it on purpose and gave it a cutesy nickname, puppies can cost up to $500 each. The fact that Bean was found on the streets with clear signs she’d had puppies but wasn’t skeletal? I’m pretty sure someone bred her specifically to sell her pups, and then dumped her when the pups were weaned. 

But prior to that? I think she was someone’s beloved dog. Like I said, she knew what a couch was. She could walk on a leash. She was housebroken. She knew how to signal to go out. She knew what sweaters were and how to ride in the car. 

I have a whole backstory of guesses of how she ended up at the Humane Society to come home with us, but I’ll skip that. Because what’s important isn’t where she was, it’s where she is, and that’s with us.

She is not without her challenges. She barks at nearly everything. She has separation anxiety (RIP living room blinds). We’re working on it. She crates well, thankfully, so we can keep her safe if we need to leave her alone, but we also have a dogsitter and try to take her with us on errands whenever possible. 

What’s good is that while these things are issues, they’re improving. The barking is toning down in a lot of places, and her separation anxiety is getting less prominent. I work from home now, so when I leave the house, she seems to think I’ll never return. If Sean leaves for work, she’s fine. If he comes home after work, then leaves again, she gets a bit moody but does all right overall. 

Even better is that the things we’re working on are changing. First, it was getting her to stop barking at every little thing. Now, it’s focusing on getting her to ignore other dogs walking by and getting her to stop threatening people dropping off mail and packages. But there’s a new twist: She barks for attention now. If we’re not giving her enough attention by her standards, she’ll come right up and bark at us. It is very, <em>very</em> annoying. But it’s also a good sign. She’s getting more comfortable, so she’s pushing boundaries to see what we do. 

We do what we always do: We work with her, then praise her when she acts appropriately. She had to go one-on-one for training, but she did great. She loved it. The trainer thinks that she’ll never be super buddy-buddy with other dogs in general, but it’s a real possibility she’ll learn to ignore dogs on walks and maybe even be able to make a friend or two over time. We’re seeing her ability to ignore other dogs already, and that’s damn good for less than a year’s work. 

She hates the cold, so we got her a warming stone for her couch nest, and the heating pad lives on her bed in front of the entertainment center. Her sweater collection grows almost every week, and she has three pairs of pajamas so far. She’s figured out that being out in the cold with the sun out is perfectly fine for a walk, but we’re still working on her accepting being out in the rain. She absolutely loathes the rain, but she’s a PNW girl now, so she has to deal. We don’t make her stay out longer than she needs to go to the bathroom if she doesn’t want to, and she has a little, fake grass patch on the porch so she can pee there in the middle of the night. 

She’s clever as hell. You put a hunting dog and a rat-catcher in the same body, it’ll happen. It’s led to pooping in the house in the middle of the night because she’s discovered if she doesn’t shake off before she does it, we don’t wake up to see if she needs out. 

She’s sweet as can be and loves treats. She also loves people once she’s gotten used to them, though she’ll still decide she needs to bark for five minutes when they visit. We took her to someone else’s house for Thanksgiving, and while she was overwhelmed at times, she mellowed during the night and was playing with her toy by the end of things. 

She gets a Puppacino once a week and knows when it’s happening. Her tiny claws are stabby knives of death, but we can’t trim them super often because her quicks are so long. She plays with her toys for about ten minutes at a time, and if she really wants your attention, she’ll get in your lap, stand on her hind legs, and lick your nose. 

She is a very good girl, and will likely live well into her teens. Right now, she’s curled on my lap to warm up her feet because we went for a walk. In a couple of hours, she’ll wake up and shake off and move back to the couch or come in and stare at me until I turn on the heating pad on her bed. If she doesn’t get her pill pocket at four, she’ll come and lick my nose.

[blogmarareactions]

Just what I needed - Intro

A YoongixReader fanfic where Yoongi is a shapeshifter that can turn into a cat. This to much of the surprise and after a while, annoyance of the reader.

Note: This is the intro to a new series I am working on. I don`t know how good this story is and how well it`s written/will be written, but it`s a way for me to get back into my creative writing and will first and foremost serve as a starter series for me. Do tell me what you think.

Genre: Fluff mostly (we`ll see where it leads after a while)

Warning: Mentions of blood, animal cruelty 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Can`t you do anything today, y/n?”

Apparently not today, no. From the moment you woke up today it`s been nothing but bad luck, clumsiness and people being annoyed. First your favorite mug broke when you managed to throw it from the counter. Then you stepped into a puddle on your way to work in the pouring rain after forgetting your umbrella at home. And instead of just walking into the café you work at like a normal person your hand slipped the doorknob and you walked, face first, into the door. Of course, everyone saw, and you scurried quickly into the backroom to change into your uniform. But that`s not the end of your misfortune that day. Your day continued with finishing false orders, much to the annoyance of your customers.

Which brings you to this point of the day. You and your managers standing over a puddle of freshly made coffee and broken mugs on the floor. Why are they on the floor? Because, surprise, you dropped them.

“I`m really sorry,” you apologized, “I don`t know what`s wrong with me today.”

You heard your manager sigh, her hands on her hips and shaking her head in disbelief. “Some days are like that, but maybe you should take off the rest of the day and get a grip on yourself. Take a long weekend and come back on Monday as your, well working and not clumsy, self.” You looked at her about to protest because you wanted to do good and work hard, but she cut you off. “You know, before you break any more of our dishes.”

At this you only nodded your head. She was right, maybe you needed to accept this day as a disaster and do as much damage prevention as you could. You changed back into your own clothes and said your goodbyes to your co-workers and manager before leaving through the backdoor. Once outside you leaned your back against the door, a heavy sigh leaving your mouth. “Well that`s just great now isn’t it.” You said out loud to yourself. You had just started to relax a little when you heard the sound of something metallic hitting the concrete ground. Standing up straight your head whipped to the direction the sound had come from.

You lived in a big city and from what you heard through the news small streets, like the one you are standing on right now, are the perfect places for robberies. Or maybe even worse, murder. Your eyes flew around the street frantically and you saw… Nothing. Nothing but a few trashcans and cardboard boxes in which the café got their paper cups. You shook your head, mentally snorting at your dramatization of the situation. Then suddenly you heard more sounds. This time it was rustling.

Someone, or something, was definitely in this street with you and you weren`t going to wait around for it to jump out and possibly murdering you. As you turn around and start walking down the other direction of the sound you heard something that could be mistaken for low meowing. You stopped in your tracks as it could be heard again, and this time you were sure that it was meowing you heard. The sight that met you when you turned around broke your heart.

There on the ground a good 15 meters from you was a small black cat. It`s fur was dirty, a few spots looked to be glued together from some sort of translucent liquid and it was littered in small scars. One of the scars caught your eye especially as it was much larger than the others. On one of its front paws is a big scar which looks like it`s still bleeding. Dirt of some sort has already started to accumulate in it and you were sure that if it goes untreated it would get infected. It must have been hurt recently and your mind raced with questions of what kind of human being would just leave a little cat like that alone on the street, not to mention one that is in such bad health conditions.

Slowly you make your way over to the little cat, being careful not to scare it. When you`re a few meters from it, it looks at you suspiciously, slightly hissing as you set down your bag and look for some kind of paper or fresh cloth to stop the bleeding. While you`re busy going through the contents of your bag, the cat slowly approaches it. When you look back up you see how it`s sniffing out the straps of your bag. It looks like it`s searching for something and you can only guess that it`s food, as the cat looks severely malnutritioned.

You try to stretch out your hand slowly to pet the cat, but it quickly hisses and tries to run away. However, with the injury on it`s paw it doesn`t get far before stopping, giving out a painful cry which breaks your heart a second time. “Shh, shh, it`s okey. I`m not going to hurt you.” You try talking to it, hoping it can sense your sincerity. It looks at you quickly before laying down into the shape of a fluffy ball. You try again coming closer, this time even more careful than before, trying hard not to make any sudden movement or loud sound.

And this time, as you reach your hand out, it doesn`t run away. It`s probably very tired and too hurt to try anything anymore. Your hand gently pets it`s fur in a try to show your good intentions. Being closer now you can see that it`s not wearing a collar. “You don`t have a home?” Your rhetorical question serving more as a realization for you. Your eyes lower and focus back on the wound on it`s paw that was now slightly tucked under and protected by the other. “Will you let me look at that?” You were met with the cat’s bright blue eyes as it lifts it`s head, curiously following your hands while you reach for the small cloth you had found in your bag earlier.

By now you are extremely careful, afraid to make the cat scared and hurt itself even more. Surprisingly when you grab it`s paw and tie the cloth around it, the cat did not do anything to protest. In fact, the only thing that makes it obvious that it doesn`t trust you 100% is the hawk like look following your every move and small, almost inaudible, hisses. “There.” You say when you finish your little first aid act. “This will protect your paw for a little while.”

Now for the hard part. You`ve already decided that you couldn`t leave the cat outside here alone, left to it`s own devices. But you couldn`t just force it to come with you either. In the end, it might end up destroying your apartment if it doesn`t want to be there. Despite those fears you decided that, even if it may cause some damage, as hurt as it is right now there is no way it`s going to survive long in this city. So with as much confidence as you could muster up you quickly scoped up the cat into your arms, trying to hold it in a way to not drop it, however also not to crush it`s paw. And as you expected it started squirming, causing you to almost drop it. “No, no, please, I`m just trying to help you. You can`t just stay on the street when you`re hurt.” you try to reason with it, even though it can`t understand you. It seemed to work the other times and luckily it did so this time too. The cat calmed down and you were able to get your bag and make your way back to your apartment.

On your way home you remembered how it doesn`t have a collar. Does that mean it`s nameless? How sad not to have a name, you thought. “We will have to figure out a name for you, hm?” You said looking down at it. It`s eyes boring into your own. It was undeniably cute and suddenly it was like someone put a light bulb over your head.

“Let`s call you Suga.” 

To be continued...

[angelcatsiel]

ok no one wants to ask me any questions from the posts I reblogged recently but I’m going to fucking talk about rubbish anyway and no one can stop me. I love the sound of my own voice too much. Ok a brief summary of my decade by year (a lil depressing, slight trigger warning in the middle and some vague nsfw/kink mentions)

2010: ok so I started this decade 13 years old, somehow a hell of a lot smarter than I am now, in high school (jesus christ that feels like a lifetime ago), with a Bright Future ahead of me, apparently, due to my good grades and perfect behaviour. Was that even real? 

2011: Started my final year at high school. I was very scared. I actually loved school, I did well at most of it, absolutely loved tests and exams (I know, what a nerd) and loved my friends.

2012: Left school and cried a lot. Had my first panic attack. I have vivid memories of standing on the school field just after completing our final exam, listening to a happy song on my old MP3 player (I’m not saying which song you guys will laugh), and crying because I didn’t want to go. I started college and the downhill spiral began. Didn’t make any real friends. It was harder to go in every day. I’d always been shy but this was different.

2013: Self harmed for the first time ever in January. Parents found out in April. Started seeing a therapist. College kept getting worse. First suicide attempt. Most of the year is a bit of a blur. Started watching supernatural in the summer.

2014: More self harming and suicide attempts. Had to go to hospital once for stitches. It was a rough year. Had to drop most of my college course but still managed to somehow complete it, without the extended part of my qualification I’d originally signed up for. Went to my first ever convention, asylum 13, and met Richard Speight Jr! Also got my first job, working at a riding school.

2015: The WORST year, though there were good things. Met Misha for the first time, and also met Jared and Jensen! Went to Wolf’s Bane 3. Left with the worst case of post-con blues I’d ever had that just didn’t go away. Went to Asylum 15 several months later feeling absolutely no better. Even at my happiest, having a great time at A15, it wasn’t worth the pain. Things got bad. Did some bad things. Was totally 100% convinced that I was already dead. Not sure how I survived.

2016: Most of it was rough. Held on only for PurCon in Germany. Misha Collins saved my life. Felt like he paid special attention to me even though I didn’t tell him any of my story (told him I’d had a tough year at his autograph but I had this feeling before that). He even stopped me after my photo op and pulled me back just to smile at me and say ‘goodbye’ so earnestly. Felt like some sort of sign. I stayed alive. Met one of my best friends in Germany too for the first time, and had my first (actually wanted) kiss with her! FINALLY stopped getting the numb, dead inside feeling I’d had since wolf’s bane last year, right towards the end. I’d almost forgotten what emotions felt like. I still felt like shit but I could breathe again. Also ended the year by getting on a plane on my own, a huge achievement, and got a job at a cinema!

2017: THE SEX YEAR. Lost my virginity early in the year. Discovered my love for kink. Had a temporary sort of Dom/sub relationship for a few months. Went to HVFF in London and met my current boyfriend for the first time, in the queue for John Barrowman. Had LOADS of kinky sex. Went from self harming every single day to every couple of months. Started gaining some self confidence. Had a BIG fallout with my dad (he found out about the sex lmao) which was tough. Got in my first ever proper relationship.

2018: Probably the first year I found myself genuinely glad I had survived the last several. Self harm reduced even more. Spent most of my time flying back and forth seeing my boyfriend. Moved to Ireland in the summer, that was HUGE. I was moving away from my family. It was amazing and terrifying. Learned to cook. Relationship with parents (particularly my dad) improved massively.

2019: Moved into an actual house. Got a cat. Really focused on my mental health. Self harmed maybe 2 or 3 times in the entire year? Physical health decided to go massively downhill though, bc life is a bitch. Got a therapist in Ireland, had many hospital appointments, had to buy a walking stick since the weak shaking episodes that have happened occasionally over the last few years have gotten a lot worse. Doctors can’t find any cause for my constant anaemia and I’m pretty much always in pain. Got diagnosed with GERD. Looking into the other stuff. Still a hell of a lot happier than I used to be though. These difficulties are nothing compared to the mental pain of a few years ago. Very proud of how far I’ve come and in general I’m super happy. Never thought it was possible.

Current plans for next decade: Investigating health issues further, being kinder to myself. Disney World this year, possibly Canada and my first and most likely only Creation con next year. Possibly/probably marriage at some point (whaaaaaat). Hopefully travelling to some other places, definitely planning on Germany again!

In conclusion, decade started great, went to shit, then went back uphill again and ended on a pretty good note (though the state of the world is a biiiiiiiiit of a worry). As long as we overthrow all the billionaires in the next decade and fix our shitty system, I’ll be happy.

Start of decade (earliest I could find, 2011, alongside my baby sister):

End of decade, 2019:

[xxmisty]

Funny how someone who made fart fetish porn thinks he has a right to badmouth men

Oh boy, anon, you’ve really overpacked this suitcase, haven’t you??

Look, let’s just start by pointing out that there’s a contradiction between you having respect for my pronouns and yet an apparent prejudice against sex workers. I just don’t get that. Thank you for being more respectful than most and actually using male pronouns here, I think the rest of your message is seriously betraying the kind of person you are. Build on the good. You’re already head and shoulders above most people I know in that respect.

I was trying to work out what could have come across as badmouthing men and I found that two posts about Captain Marvel had come out of my queue. So that’s it. Anon, i’m not badmouthing men. But I will call out toxic masculinity where I see it, and there was a whole lot of it around the launch of that movie. Toxic masculinity hurts everyone, no matter who you are. It’s the kind of attitude that makes men feel they have to behave a certain way or they can’t be true men. As a trans guy that went a long way toward being terrified of coming out, and still goes a long way to not being accepted. It is also a master force behind the kind of behaviour that has left women vulnerable, scared and abused throughout history. I’ve been on both sides of that. I’ve had men roll down their car windows and cat-call me from the age of 14 upward. When I was 13 I took a term of piano lessons and quit because the piano tutor kept holding my hands and asking me if I ‘painted my nails red when I went out at weekends’. I’ve had parts of my body groped and touched in public because someone was drunk, being egged on by their mates or just thought it was their right to do it. I’ve had a z-list celebrity slide his hand into my crotch blaming ‘the train’ with a huge grin on his face. I spent twenty years blaming myself for being sexually assaulted by my cousin’s husband because I was wearing a dress the night I met him. No, not all men are like this, but if you’re offended by someone discussing it then perhaps there’s a reason why. Maybe you see a little of that in yourself.

I’ll reblog posts about captain marvel until my fingers are sore because Brie Larson took so much abuse in the run up to its launch, most of it from a subsection of the population. And i’m not blindly backing it as a marvel fan, nor as a perceived ‘man hater’ - I didn’t think it looked that good from the trailers, but boy was I wrong. I still think the trailers were pretty bad and did the movie a huge disservice. The point is, I waited until I watched the movie to make up my own mind. Brie Larson spoke up on the press tour about how she was sick of looking out and seeing nothing but white men, and a whole lot of those white men took that very deliberately in the wrong way. She spoke of wanting diversity. She didn’t want to look out there and see no white, male faces, she just wanted to see a mix of them with POC and female faces too. You’d have to be extremely over sensitive to take that in any sense other than the one she’d intended it.

People flooded Rotten Tomatoes with negative reviews, days before the movie even came out. They hadn’t seen it, they just wanted to try to make sure that they stopped as many potential viewers from seeing it as they could. And that's why it’s so important to people who aren’t of that small subsection of the population to share the movie’s success. I’m so damn proud of Brie, and of everyone involved in the movie, and of everyone who has stood up for Captain Marvel when in doing so they’ve also opened themselves up to abuse.

The truth is, the world has been run by straight, white, cis men for countless years and that’s starting to change. The world is becoming a richer place for that. We need to hear all kinds of voices, especially as the world grows smaller. Anon, the world has changed more in the last twenty years than it had in centuries before it. But that means the truth is going to hurt sometimes.

I’m white, and i’m learning more about what that means from people of colour who share their experiences, their stories and their views. I understand a little better every day that it isn’t enough just to not be an actively racist asshole and that I need to use my privilege to speak up when I see it happening to others. I need to open my ears and listen to people from different countries, of different colours, of different religions, and hear about the struggles they face every day that i’ll never truly understand as someone born into a white family, in an area where there were very few people of colour as I grew up. I want to learn. I want to listen. I hope that the more POC speak out, the more that we can learn as people who haven’t faced the same prejudice. I’ll still never know what it’s like to walk in those shoes but i’ll be a little more mindful every day of what needs to change and how I can help.

It’s a similar thing existing in a predominantly cishet world. Something I realised recently is that, as much as I know it can take years, decades, sometimes a lifetime to really discover who you are, the cold hard fact is that when I was five years old I knew I wanted to marry a woman and call myself John but it’s taken decades to reverse the programming that a predominantly cishet world tried to write into me. We’re getting there, little by little. The world is changing, but a big part of that is from having the courage to find our voices and share our experiences as people of a gender and/or sexuality not defined as cis and heterosexual. I think trans folk have a unique point of view when it comes to gender wars since we’ve seen both sides of the coin to some degree. I’m just as scared of toxic femininity as I am of toxic masculinity. Both are dangerous and destructive, and they hurt everybody. It’s time they began to die and allowed people to be themselves without a gender-approved bar they have to reach to be a ‘real man/woman’.

Lastly, anon, I would really like you to rethink the way you view sex workers because most that i’ve met along the way have been the kindest, most genuine, most open individuals who work harder than you’ll ever know. Making fetish videos put food on the table, a roof over our heads and bought our boat when we were faced with being homeless. My health wouldn’t allow me to work a job outside the home any more and I wanted to make a living as best as I could. I feel like you would be just as critical if I lived by benefits alone. Plus making videos was a very important step in my own life. It helped me to love a part of myself that i’d always resented and felt ashamed of, and gave me confidence to appear in front of the camera which I could never have imagined some years ago. Plus I made a few wonderful friends that way.

Anon, you have a good heart, enough to not misgender me. I can’t and won’t apologise for reblogging posts that talk about subjects that affect me personally. This is, after all, my blog, and it’s important for people to see how many others have been affected by the same issues. It helps when you don’t feel so alone. If there’s something that triggers you about those posts then perhaps there’s something you recognise in it. This is a really good time to identify what that is and to work out why it upsets you so much. We can all learn to be better people, and listening to our discomfort is a good first step.

[windup-warrior]

Prompt 24: Undertone

Power Over Me

“I knew what love was supposed to be: obsession with undertones of nausea.”

-Margaret Atwood, Cat’s Eye

I think… I think I am in love.

No chance. No way. I won’t say it, oh no. To admit it, is to give the universe the power to destroy it. And after all of the things I have done, I know it is only a matter of time before my time comes due for everything I love to crumble before my eyes as I answer for my sins. The blood on my hands, the destruction I have wrought, it all stacks up and will in time become the very shackles that will weigh me down for the rest of my life. As it stands, I carry it and wear it like armor, wrapped around my very being like the sharpest of defenses.

Someone once told me that the path to their heart was strewn with blood and body parts and in that moment, I found a kindred soul who truly understood just what my life meant… what loving me meant. The subtle nuance of just how to relate to me, the undertones of understanding when it came to breaking through the layers and layers of damage guarding my heart. I am not a good person. I never have been. But little by little, I think I am learning that even bad people are capable and worthy of love.

Just the same, that does not mean that I want to go screaming it from the rooftops. If there is one thing that I have learned in my short life, it is that the have nots always want what the haves possess. This can be wealth or physical items or health or even love. And if the universe itself decides that I no longer deserve this tiny little slice of happiness, then it will all be taken away from me. So for now, I protect it. I guard it and keep it safe, hiding it away from anyone that could do it harm. All the while, I try not to think about the fact that of anyone in the universe, I am the one most likely to ruin this, to break it apart, to hurt the one person that I have allowed to get close to me in recent memory. Or maybe the one person I have ever allowed close.

You see, sex is by no means a new concept to me. It is something I have been doing for awhile (you do not want to know just how long) and it is as easy as riding a mount. Which… sounds dirty, but I swear it was not meant to be. Regardless, let’s move on. Sex is easy. Love? Genuine, deep affection for another being that goes beyond the physical and carnal side of things? That is by no means easy. It is difficult and makes me uneasy, a bit like walking up a flight of stairs and thinking there is one more step at the top when there is not. That lurch you get in your stomach? Yeah, I think it is like that. Only constantly. Or at least every time I find myself thinking about it. Really, it is almost enough to make me sick.

I never thought I would be one of those lovesick morons, bereft of logic and rational thinking whenever it came to their beau. But here I am, mooning over a pretty man for reasons that do not necessarily involve the things he can do with his fingers, tongue, or… well, you know. Of course, I definitely, definitely appreciate him for those things. But I also like the way he quiets the storm in my mind by his mere presence. I like the way his touch can soothe the loudest of my demons, scaring them into silence until we are forced to part once more. Between his line of work and mine, our time together is seldom consistent. We may get a string of days together where we do nothing save for fucking, eating, drinking, and laughing to the point of exhaustion. Or conversely, we may go a week without seeing each other except in passing.

That is life. But he is in it and I think that means that I am okay with this. Even if that means my only contact with him is the brush of his hand along my hip as I am coming and he is going or vice versa. Hard as it is, I refrain from lavishing too much of my affection upon him when others are around. I think some pick up on the undertones of our interplay, how each touch and look and word means more than what face value may otherwise indicate. Others are fairly oblivious, either willfully or unintentionally. I don’t really care about what they think about it, I am just not going to do anything too intentional to out us to them. It is not any of their business and though some ask, neither of us have seen a reason to confirm it one way or the other.

Of course, some of that likely has to do with the fact that neither of us have really put any sort of label on just what we are. I like it that way, it is less pressure. And he seems to like it too. But eventually I figure we will have the dreaded Talk about what it means to be Karma and Graham. Not as separate entities, we are both already pretty secure in that, if I am being objective and honest. Rather… it was a matter of who we were as a couple, a unit, a pair. All of those words were so foreign and weird for me, so while we figured that out, I had to decide just what those seemingly tiny and insignificant words meant for me too.

It is more than just a title. It is an implication, subtle as it may be, that I am done running. Or at least, if I run, I will not do it alone. For all that his life is here and rooted so deeply within the free company and those he calls his friends, I think he would be plenty inclined to simply pack up and disappear with me if I ever asked him to. That said, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t ask something so selfish of him and I am not sure if that makes me happy or if it scares the hell out of me. Likely a little bit of both. Because for all of the nuance, it is so very big too. Bigger than him. Bigger than me. Bigger than us.

So… I won’t say it. Not out loud at least. I won’t jinx it or put the weight of the world upon something so fragile and new. But maybe… maybe someday. Then I will tell the world just what we are made of.

[dustenough]

what was your last

1. drink - water

2. phone call - my mother

3. text message - “ok just phone me whenever x”

4. song you listened to - why won’t you love me by 5 seconds of summer

have you ever

6. dated someone twice - no i haven’t even dated anyone once

7. kissed someone and regretted it - no

8. been cheated on - if when your best friend calls someone else their best friend is cheating then yes

9. lost someone special - yes

10. been depressed - i’ve been clinically depressed for five years and counting

11. gotten drunk and thrown up - almost

fave colours

12. fave colour - yellow

13. fave colour - burgundy 

14. fave colour - baby blue (and any other light/pastel colour)

in the last year have you

15. made new friends - yes, i met @soundshoodfeelshood​ last year and it was the best recent friendship that i’ve made i appreciate and love her a lot and it feels like i’ve known her forever

16. fallen out of love - no

17. laughed until you cried - yes, the most recent was when i was watching bottom with my parents

18. found out someone was talking about you - yes

19. met someone who changed you - i don’t think so

20. found out who your friends are - yes, i’m still finding out

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list - no

general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl - all of them

23. do you have any pets - i have a cat named harry he’s 16 now, i used to have another cat named hermione who passed away last year at 15. i also used to have a hamster named pumpkin, three chickens named jessie, lilo and buttercup and fishes. my family also fostered a dog for few days who we named lola

24. do you want to change your name - no, i really like my surname too and don’t want to change it so if i ever get married i’ll probably still keep it baha.

25. what did you do for your last birthday - i spent the day at home with my family and my friends in the evening

26. what time did you wake up today - 8:30am

27. what were you doing at midnight last night - watching loey lane’s most recent ghost adventure on youtube

28. what is something you can't wait for - a miracle, no mental health issues, to know what i’m doing with my life and what career i want, for my parents to sell our house and finally move into their dream house on the coast and for me to be accepting of myself

30. what are you listening to right now - explore by sundara karma

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom - i don’t think so but i’ve spoken to people i never knew the name of so maybe i have talked to someone named tom

32. something that's getting on your nerves - eveything tbh i get irritated really easily i don’t want to write a list otherwise i won’t stop

33. most visited website - twitter or instagram??

34. hair colour - brown

35. long or short hair - my hair is in the middle; its quite long but not really long and sometimes my hair is super curly so that makes it significantly shorter

36. do you have a crush on someone - no but i’ve been thinking about this one boy for almost four days straight now lol help me

37. what do you like about yourself - literally nothing

38. want any piercings -  i’ve wanted a nose ring for a really long time, i also want an orbital ear ring and a rook ear piercing with a heart shaped ring

39. blood type - i have no idea

40. nicknames - lillian and lily-pad. my english teacher used to call me lilith which means the mother of all evil which is lovely

41. relationship status - um i never went to oovoo javer

42. zodiac sign - my birthday is on 20th january which is the end of capricorn but the start of aquarius, every website and book says something different so i don’t know

43. pronouns - she/her

44. fave tv show - i don’t really watch tv shows but i have a list of ones i want to start watching. i grew up watching miranda so i’ll always love that. i also really like stranger things and i’ve watched a lot of episodes of friends and only fools and horses with my family which i enjoy

45. tattoos - i have an idea of a tattoo that i want, i like really small and delicate ones that are meaningful

46. right or left handed - i’m right handed

47. ever had surgery - no but my wisdom teeth are almost fully grown and i’m scared to get them removed

48. piercings - i think some of them are nice but i can’t stand some of them, i don’t like gauges and for some reason studs in the flat ares of the helix in the actual ear make me cringe

49. sport - i used to do a lot of sports including: dance, gymnastics, netball, basketball, and swimming but stopped during secondary school; i also used to go running with my father and sister and do annual charity runs. i want to get back into dance again since i really enjoyed it and loved performing at the theatre and start running again.

50. vacation - i’ve only ever been abroad to paris when i’ve been to disney land with my family since we go to cornwall every year and have been for as long as i can remember. (this is the first year we’re not going because we can’t afford it lol)

51. ?

more general

52. eating - i just ate some grapes

53. drinking - tea

54. about to watch - probably a random youtube video

55. waiting for - a miracle of some sort

56. want - myself and my family to be happy, content and healthy

56. get married - i need to find a significant other first which is already a huge and almost impossible task alone

58. career - anytime someone asks me this i’m on the verge of tears i’m literally begging for someone to choose out of a hat for me at this point

which is better

59. hugs or kisses - hugs are nice. ( never been kissed is a 1999 romantic comedy film and stars drew barrymore a-)

60. lips or eyes - eyes

61. shorter or taller - taller

62. older or younger - older

63. nice arms or stomach - arms

64. hookup or relationships - relationships

65. troublemaker or hesitant - troublemaker

have you ever

66. kissed a stranger - no

67. drank hard liquor - yes

68. turned someone down - yes

69. sex on first date - no wtf

70. broken someone's heart - i don’t think so

71. had your heart broken - no

72. been arrested - no

73. cried when someone died - yes

74. fallen for a friend/ as in crush?- yes

do you believe in

75. yourself - not at all but i wish i did

76. miracles - i dont know?? if it counts i think that everything happens for a reason

77. love at first sight - maybe?? like true love?? i think that exists because of my parents

78. santa claus - i believed him for too long

79. angels - no one is an angel

misc

80. eye colour - dark blue on the outside then light blue then green then like an olive?? i just say blue

81. best friends name - chloe (and my school friends of course)

82. favourite movie - i like a lot of films i don’t think i have a favourite, at least i can’t pick one just now so i’ll just say any disney film

83. favourite actor - i don’t know, any films which tom hanks and robin willims act or voice over are always great, they’re great

84. favourite cartoon - the cartoons that i watched when i was younger from the 80′s/90′s cartoons like bear in the big blue house (the songs are still on my family ipod) to the ones on disney cinemagic before i left for school (i used to watch emperors new groove everyday before and after school.) my little sister watches we bare bears and the amazing world of gumball which is great

85. favourite teacher - my old textiles teacher was really kind and supportive of my and my work which had a huge impact on my quality of work e.c.t. also my photography/art teacher, shes so lovely and wonderful, i’ve cried, threw up, had a mental breakdown and complained in front of her on occasions and she she helped me every step of the way, i always went to her for advice and such so i appreciate her a lot

i was tagged by @everyteardrop and i tag @soundshoodfeelshood @amazingseren @00my-secret-world00 @palettegguk

(i don’t have a lot of mutuals on here so if you want to do this then just do it and pretend i tagged you lmao)

[sapphiresterreart]

Hiroguel: Valentine’s Day

 Oops, a quick and late Valentine’s Day fic! ‘Bout 2.5 pages, single spaced doc.

Every weekday, Miguel would visit the Lucky Cat Café for his morning coffee and croissant. The café itself was on the way to his class and the pastries were delicious. Usually he’d get in and get-out fast, but when he had the time he liked to linger.

Some days he even visited on the weekend.

One of those Saturdays found himself tucked into the corner of the café with papers strewn about the table. He alternated between typing on the laptop, munching on the croissant, and double-checking the papers. Fellow customers chatted around him but with the headphones in his ears, he paid them no mind.

Until someone approached.

He popped the earbud out and smiled awkwardly. “¿Hola?”

The man, roughly a few years older than him if he had to guess, sat himself in the chair across from him. “I’m Tadashi.”

Miguel shifted, uncomfortable. “Okay. I’m Miguel?”

“Nice to meet you, Miguel.” The guy offered a hand to shake. “You know, I’ve seen you come here a lot. Got your eye on someone?”

Miguel accepted the shake and tried to keep his expression pleasant. “No, I’m not looking for anyone.”

“Shame!” Tadashi twisted in the chair to point at the café counter. “Have you met my brother, Hiro? He’s a great guy.”

Miguel followed the gesture, smile straining. “Uh, I guess? He knows my usual.”

“You should try talking to him.”

Deciding enough was enough, Miguel gathered his papers. “Oh! But I gotta go. Study and stuff.”

Tadashi frowned. “Didn’t mean to scare you, Miguel. Just wanted to talk since I see you come to our café. It was nice meeting you, though. See you tomorrow?”

Miguel hesitated.

“Tell you what,” Tadashi offered a smile. “Next time you come, I’ll introduce you to my brother. He’d like properly meet you.”

He glanced at counter where a young man helped a customer with their order. He bit his lip and sighed. Another friend wouldn’t hurt, would it? “Sure.”

“Great!” Tadashi chirped and left.

~oOo~

Somehow, talking to the Hamada brothers became a part of his morning routine. Apparently the younger Hamada, Hiro, had recently dumped his girlfriend and was happier without her than he was with her. Tadashi was perfecting some health care robot that Miguel had never met. Señorita Cass, the brothers’ aunt, owned the bakery and often invited him to attend beat poetry night. When she discovered he was a good musician, she even offered to let him perform a night or two.

Things were going pretty well…until he found himself cornered by a group of strangers and shoved into an alley right after exiting the café.

“I don’t have any money.” He backed against the wall and clutched the handle of his guitar case tighter.

The group of scowling men parted to let a young woman through. Tall, slender but with muscle, and glittering eyes on a sharp, white face. She brushed fingers through light brown hair and red painted lips curved into a dark smile.

“I don’t want money.” She sauntered close and trailed fingers up his arm. Lips moved against his ear. “I want my boyfriend back.”

Too quick for him to comprehend, she slammed a fist into his stomach and yanked the guitar case out of his grip. She tossed the instrument to one of her goons and kneed him in the groin.

Miguel keened, high pitched and hurting as he crumbled to cement and curled in on himself. The woman snatched the front of his collar and dragged him out of the ball just enough to spit in his face.

“Stay away from Hiro Hamada. He’s mine, understand?”

Despite the searing pain, he bared his own teeth. “And he’s my friend. You can’t own someone.”

She threw him to the ground and stood, alarmingly calm. “Alright.” She flicked a hand. “You don’t need this guitar, do you?” Her tone dropped into steel. “Smash it.”

One of the men unlatched the case and Miguel yelped. “Wait, no!”

She lifted a hand and the man paused. The woman cocked a brow.

Miguel hissed as he uncurled and struggled to stand. “Fine. I’ll stay away.” The words burned his throat. “Just… don’t hurt my guitar.”

She scoffed. “‘Hurt’ a guitar? Honestly, how old are you?” She rolled her shoulders back. “Then we have a deal. Goodbye, Miguel.”

The woman turned away and the man with his guitar dumped it to the floor as they left. Miguel staggered to the case and quietly cursed.

He had to warn Hiro.

~oOo~

It was agonizing, but he managed to drag himself to his home and text the professor claiming he had caught the flu. Another text to Tadashi warned that some woman was obsessed with Hiro and that Hiro might be in danger. Though Miguel didn’t want to lose the Hamada brothers’ friendship, he also didn’t want to put his guitar (papá Héctor’s guitar) or himself, into the line of fire.

So he lied to Tadashi and sent another text. He claimed he no longer felt interested in visiting the Hamada brothers. Something about their food gave him a tummy ache. Something about Hiro wasn’t all that interesting. Something something, lies lies lies. He expected Tadashi to get angry or hurt, or even to silently block him.

What he didn’t expect, was for Tadashi to track him down.

Miguel tried to slam the front door shut but a foot stopped it and the Hamada brother shoved his way into the dorm. Miguel squeaked as Tadashi shut the door and towered over him.

“Tomorrow’s Valentine’s Day, Miguel.” Tadashi glared. “And apparently my brother not only has his ex for a stalker, but also lost a close friend?”

Miguel sweated beneath the stare. “¿L-los siento…?”

Tadashi scowled a beat more before softening. “What did Kimberly say to you?”

Whiplashed by the change, he blinked. “T-the girl from the…?”

“Yeah. Hiro’s ex.”

“Oh,” Miguel retreated a step. “Um.”

When Miguel wouldn’t say anything, Tadashi dragged a hand down his face. “I always knew Kimberly was little bit…off, but did she hurt you?”

Instinctively, a hand darted to his stomach. Sharp eyes caught the movement and heated.

“She did, didn’t she?”

Miguel deflated. “She wasn’t alone. They threatened papá Héctor’s guitar and I didn’t want any trouble…”

Tadashi simmered in thought. “I think I have an idea.”

~oOo~

Someway, somehow, the local superhero team caught Kimberly and the group. Miguel had no clue how Big Hero 6 could have known that he needed help, but he was grateful for it anyway.

Now it was Valentine’s Day and he found himself smitten with the purple superhero. Hiro had grown on him, but he wasn’t the one who saved him from a psycho woman and let him see the sunset from the sky. Sure, Hiro was great, but that superhero? So cool!

It was odd, though, that Hiro seemed to flare with anger whenever he fanboyed about the superheroes. Now they were in the café and he was gushing to the Hamada brothers before he had to head to class.

“It’s not like I have a chance,” Miguel dismissed. “But I can still dream, can’t I?”

Both brothers shook their heads.

Tadashi sighed. “So close and yet so far.”

[lalka-laski]

Can you recommend any Neil Gaiman to me, aside from Stardust or Good Omens? The only book I’ve read of his was “The Ocean at the End of the Lane.” It was good, just not really my scene. 

What’s the best concert you’ve been to, if you’ve been? The Killers, hands down. 

Is there an animal you like that most people don’t? I kinda like spiders and most people are terrified of them. Which makes me the designated spider-catcher whenever one’s nearby. (I never kill them. Just relocate them!)

Is there an animal that you think is overrated in terms of how it’s liked? Dogs 

Do you find yourself listening to music that’s a bit more esoteric? I guess sometimes. But a great deal of what I listen to could be considered “mainstream.” 

What are your three favorite books and why? This is an impossible question! So I’ll respond with the 3 best books I’ve read *lately* Water for Elephants, This Close to Okay, What Comes After (I’m still in the middle of it but I sense it’ll become a fave!) 

What about authors? Anita Shreve, Taylor Jenkins Reid, Patti Callahan Henry Do you have any likes you wouldn’t tell someone until you got to know them? I have some ~guilty pleasures~ but I’m not so ashamed of them that I’d keep them secret. 

Do you have a favorite language? Polish

What about a place you’ve always wanted to visit? Poland, Northern Ireland, Iceland

Do goldfish crackers ever make you sick, or is that just me? Nah I enjoy them.

Do you have a favorite art style? I’m not familiar enough with art technique/history. 

Do you have a favorite myth/fairy-tale? Sleeping Beauty, of course! 

Who is your favorite person aside from family? Glenn 

Do any of your pets (if you have them) have weird quirks? I don’t have pets. And probably won’t ever. 

Do you listen to music from anywhere besides America? How boring would my life be if I limited myself to only music from America (or any single country for that matter). 

Have you ever “quit” a site and came back to it more than once? Facebook a couple times

Do you have an “odd” fascination with anything?  I’m sure there are several things but of course I can’t think of any at the moment What is the thing you want most at this moment? I guess I’d prefer not to be at work but it’s really not so bad. 

What was the last book you read and what was it about? I’m currently reading What Comes After about the aftermath of the deaths of two teenage boys 

What was the worst book you’ve ever read & why? There have been several I’ve started and couldn’t bear to finish. 

Do you have a favorite breed of dog or cat? Which? Nah I’m not much of a dog OR cat person. 

If you like any anime/manga, what are some titles you recommend? I don’t watch it but Glenn’s a huge fan and could rattle of a looooong list if you were interested

What’s the hardest thing you’ve been through, & what did you learn from it? I think it’s kinda of weird to rank my painful experiences like that. I’ve felt pain in different ways at different points of my life. 

What are three “unrealistic” things you want most? My dream body, my dream house, my dream career

What are some of your favorite foods? Pizza, falafel, popcorn, chips & dips (I’m a snacker for sure) 

Where do you like to buy your clothes? Lately I’ve just been buying bullshit on Amazon (and then getting disappointed when the quality & fit are terrible). But my favorite stores are Windsor & Express. 

Do you take any daily vitamins? Magnesium & B12

Who are three of your favorite fictional characters of all time? Elle Woods, Lizzie McGuire, Mr. Gellar from Friends 

If you had to give the world a pre-existing mythological/fictional being, what would it be? Mermaids. Just because they’d be cool as hell. 

When buying Slurpees, if you do, do you get only one flavor or mix them? I haven’t had a slurpee since I was a kid, but IIRC I liked Blue Raspberry. 

Do you have a favorite 7Eleven food? We don’t have many 7Elevens around me but I will admit I love me some gas station/convenience store food.

Do you have any desire to learn (a) foreign language(s)? Which? Polish, because I want to speak the language of my ancestors. And because I just think it’s beautiful.

If you could have any career, “realistic”-ness aside, what would it be? Published author or maybe a content creator for a lifestyle blog/magazine. 

What are three memorable movies from your childhood? Sleeping Beauty, of course. Toy Story, Monster’s Inc 

Do you, personally, put a space after ellipses, or not? Nope

Micky D’s sweet tea, y/n/other? Not a fan of sweet tea, period. 

What are three of your best (non-physical) qualities? Friendliness, empathy, creativity. 

What are three of your worst (again; non-physical) qualities? Anxiousness, hyper-sensitivity, impulsiveness 

What is one of your firmest beliefs? Moe’s is FAR superior to Chipotle in every conceivable way. 

Do you ever question things until you’re unsure of even the silliest thing? Yeah, overthinking is my superpower. 

Do you have anything that keeps you from doing something you’d truly enjoy? ~ANXIETY~ What are your three biggest pet peeves (personality-wise) in others? Arrogance, close-mindedness are the top of my list. I also can’t STAND conversation hogging. 

Do you work to fix your faults? Or at least, admit to them? I could work on them MORE... but yes I always own up to them. 

What are three of your best physical qualities? (NOT EYES!) Collarbones, nose, the shape of my lips 

What are some of your greatest aspirations? Write a book, have a family 

How do you hope the world will change, if at all? That’s just too heavy of a question. I’m just here to chill! 

What are three things that make you the happiest? My loved ones, my babies, good food! 

What is/are your view(s) on god, religion, spirituality, or relations to? I don’t subscribe to any fixed set of beliefs but I could be considered spiritual. 

Are you arachnophobic or scared of spiders in the least? No, I actually think they’re kinda cool. 

Do you play WoW? What do you think of it either way? Nope.

What kind of computer do you have? Windows 7/Vista/XP/Other? I’m at work and currently on a Dell. At home I have a Chromebook. 

What are you good at? Writing, worrying... 

What career do you hope to have? Writer

Are you taking any interesting classes in school/do you not attend? I’m done with school (for now)

If you don’t attend, are you taking any “lessons” for anything No, although there have been several creative writing courses and workshops I’ve had my eye on. I really should register for one.  A book/piece that has had an exceptional impact on your life? For Women who are Difficult to Love by Warsan Shire

If you know of pandora.com, what is your favorite station? I only listen to Pandora at work and the office usually has “Brunch Cafe Radio” on which plays a lot of coffehouse style singer/songwriters. I dig it! Have you ever “lost” a friend in any way? How did you deal? Of course I have. Friend “breakups” can be just as painful and life-altering as romantic ones and I wish that was discussed more.

Any music recommendations? I’m actually on the hunt for some new music so if anyone has reccs for ME... that’d be cool.

What are at least three of your biggest fears? Losing my loved ones, death, birds (:

Most recently read book that you liked? The last book I read in full was Jessica Simpson’s memoir Open Book. And it was surprisingly delightful & touching. 

Do you have a piece of jewelry you don’t like to take off? My claddagh ring & of course, my engagement ring.

Do you have a favorite quote? Why is it your favorite? Too many to list Any odd pastimes you have? I like reading the inmate profiles on Writeaprisoner.com, then googling the inmate’s names to find out what crime(s) they committed. 

Are you quirky in any way? (Name them please). I have some OCD tendencies that could be considered peculiar. Oh, I also hate wearing shoes or socks & prefer to be barefoot whenever possible. 

Political standing? Filthy liberal 

Do you have any piercings/what do you think about piercings? I have none as I just don’t think they suit me. But they look great on other people. 

Do you have a favorite material? Not really? 

What are three names you’d name a pet if you HAD to get a pet right now? Brixton, named for David Bowie’s hometown. 

Do you like to listen to dorky/amusing music? What’s considered dorky and/or amusing? 

Coffee vs. Tea vs. Energy Drinks: Order from favorite to least favorite. Coffee & tea are probably tied. And energy drinks are dead last. I avoid them. 

Do you like more “fruity” sweets or “savory” sweets? What the fuck is a savory sweet?

What do you hate the most? My anxiety 

What genres of music are your favorite? Most of my faves could be classified as alternative/soft-rock 

Do you believe in true love? Absolutely 

What are some of your favorite clothing accessories? I’m not big on accessories. I love sunglasses, though. 

If reincarnation exists, what sort of person would you want to be next? Someone born into wealth  What are some things you believe strongly in? Love, forgiveness, second chances 

Where’s your favorite place you’ve been? My family’s cottage in Canada 

What sort of books and movies do you like? Book-wise I love a good family drama or tragedy. And the occasional cutesy love story. As for movies, I want all rom-coms all day.

What’s your favorite thing to do on a rainy Saturday? Read, write, maybe marathon a show, cook something yummy in the crockpot...

Is there a book you’ve read that really touched you? Have you MET me?

PC or MAC? PC 

What do you love doing? Reading, writing, spending time with loved ones, crafting, cooking, going out to eat, watching live music

If you could create the perfect world for yourself, what would it be? All my loved ones would be present, we’d have NO financial burdens, good health, plenty of free time to devote to our hobbies & passions

Do you think that fate plays a part in people’s lives? Somewhat, yeah. But action > everything.

Are you religious, spiritual, atheist…? Spiritual

Do you think that people throw the words “love” and “hate” around too much? Eh, maybe. But I’m a deeply emotional person so although I may say I love and hate things frequently, I mean it sincerely every time.

What is your favorite piece of technology that you own? My phone, no doubt. It’s glued to my hand. 

What’s a piece of technology you’d like to own? I’m not a real techhy person so I don’t need much besides what I already have. 

Are you afraid of technology developing to where we’re too reliant on it? We’re past that point my dude. 

Does it bother you when people do things to fit in with a certain crowd? Yeah, but I can’t say I don’t do the same

Hot or cold? I’d much rather be cold. I am MISERABLE when hot & sweaty.  Do you think that Bzoink should extent the character amount for questions? What the hell is Bzoink

Do you have a favorite combination of complimentary colors? Pastel pink & pastel, dusty blue. (These are my dream wedding colors) 

What’s your favorite odd ice cream flavor? I love any kind of oatmeal/oat filled ice cream & people seem to find that weird?

Where do you like to get your ice cream? Moonlight Creamery holds a special place in my heart because that’s where I got engaged! And besides that, they really do have some of the best tasting ice cream I’ve ever had. 

What’s your opinion on stereotypes/labels? As humans it’s natural for us to categorized people based on past experiences. Is it always accurate? Of course not. But we all do it.

Do you believe that history repeats itself? Mhmmmmm 

Would you rather learn from your mistakes or just undo them? Wouldn’t it be nice to just undo them? And since I’m not great at learning from mine... 

What was the most interesting class you had in school? Any creative writing class, of course. Also my Kenyan Literature class was FASCINATING.  Do you write? If so, what? Yes. Mostly personal essays, some poetry & short stories

Do you have a favorite website? Facebook & Twitter are my go-tos. And Reddit when I can’t sleep.

Do you think that the quality of TV shows is going down? I’m not much of a TV watcher so I can’t comment. 

Do you have a favorite culture? Thar’s a borderline creepy question....  What was a story you heard as a child that really affected you? Any kind of ghost story or vaguely paranormal story fucked me up BAD

Who was your favorite grade-school teacher and why? My 5th grade teacher was a doll, so perhaps her. 

Do you think that the world will end? How? Can we NOT

Do you believe in Global Warming? Have you researched it? It’s not up for debate 

Do you prefer piercings or tattoos? I have one tattoo and zero piercings so I guess I’m on team tattoo 

Do you remember your dreams? Almost always 

[betterdaysareatoenailaway]

'IF YOU’RE SICK, STAY HOME’ v ‘GO GET TESTED’

I woke up sick two weeks ago, dizzy and running a fever. It went away after a few days, then returned with a vengeance for the better part of a week. I contacted my coworker and my ex-partner, the only two people I’d recently been in close contact with (and with the former, we weren’t indoors, thank God...if I made her sick I wouldn’t forgive myself...her life is more important than mine, as far as I’m concerned) and warned them that I was sick and to monitor themselves for symptoms. My illness was really bad for a 72-hour period, and I was pretty scared it was COVID despite a lack of lung trouble.  Fortunately, I woke up a few days ago feeling much better and knowing that I was gonna be okay with that strange inner certainty we all have when we know we are no longer ill. Instinct operates at a blood-deep level beyond knowing. I posted on FB about how my cat Cookie had hastened my recovery and I was a little taken aback by the “you didn’t get tested?” indignation that came my way via comments and DMs. I only got six of these, but they got me thinking (and maybe that was the point).

I was quarantining. You’re saying I should have broken quarantine? As you prolly already know, COVID-19 has been a classic case study in conflicting information. The U.S. Surgeon General himself tweeted misinformation in February, scolding the public for buying masks because, in his words, “they are not effective.” He quickly came to his senses though. Now we were told to wear masks. You were a monster if you didn’t, willfully putting others at risk.

Then for a few late-March weeks it was “how DARE you buy a mask when our frontline health care workers aren’t able to wear them?” By wearing a mask you were putting paramedics in imminent peril. How could you be so callous?

Then big ten foot signs appeared on the subway: “If you are sick, stay home.” To do otherwise would be to willfully put others at risk. The CDC website and the Government of Canada website have similar instructions. If you are sick, stay home. But then we were told to go get tested, a directive I have no beef with save for the verb. Going means not staying. This is an obvious conflict. I don’t care if it’s just leaving your house once and returning once, you’re still going to be breathing the whole time. And if you are sick and you are breathing and you’re not in a self-contained bubble, you could be passing COVID onto somebody whose immune system may not be as strong as yours. In other words, you might kill somebody. It’s not as idiotic as the Surgeon General tweeting “don’t wear a mask” but “go get tested” means breaking the “if you’re sick, stay home” rule. But people told me I should have gone to get tested in a tone of shocked disgust, as if my staying home (a deliberate choice because I didn’t want to willfully put others at risk) was itself a choice that willfully put others at risk.

Sigh. 

I’m a bad person. It’s true. I’ve done terrible things in the name of opiates. But on this matter I earnestly plead not guilty. I believe I have made the right choices, COVID-wise, even when it has harmed me.

I’ve been wearing a mask since March, both in public and when walking through my own rented house, because I can’t know for sure where my roommates have been or what they’ve been exposed to. I also wanted to protect them. I even quit a job back in October because I was working in an enclosed space, a prison-cell sized 12x18 kitchen, with three other contractors, all of whom refused to wear masks no matter how many times I asked them to. Wearing a mask like it’s a necklace is not wearing a mask. I got in an argument with my boss over this, and I lost my job that day. So I’m not a “COVID is a conspiracy” guy, nor an anti-masker, nor an anti-vaxxer, nor a “that BBQ Etobicoke yahoo is right”-er. Seriously. Fuck that guy.

But this “you should get tested” v “you should stay home” argument reminds me of the trolley problem. Travelling freely through public space when you don’t know you are sick is not the same thing as choosing to travel through public space when you might be sick. 

The latter is a choice in which you might be putting other people at risk for the sake of statistical certainty. Is knowing worth this cost? I don’t think it is, especially when you can find out whether you had COVID-19 or not well after the fact, because of the presence of antibodies, when you may be less likely to pass the virus onto someone else. “So don’t take public transit,” you say? “You should have walked to the testing location.” I was too sick to walk. Would it have been okay if I had put just one person, an Uber driver or cab driver, at risk of catching COVID en route to the testing centre? (After which, of course, I would have then put the other people standing in line at the testing location at risk, and the people who administered the test at risk, and the person who drove me home at risk. Would these have been acceptable risks? Who gets to decide?)

Anyway I didn’t have any money. Literally. I had 38 cents in my bank account. So the taxi/Uber thing is moot.

So should you stay home or should you get tested? You can’t follow both directives, which means you have to decide. It’s your choice. But, as I already said, choosing to travel through public space when you might be carrying a potentially fatal illness does not jibe with the ‘if you’re sick, stay at home’ rule, nor does it fit with the fact that most cases of COVID-19 resolve themselves without medical intervention, which makes quarantining the more socially responsible and more statistically logical choice. 

Until/unless they figure out self-testing a la pregnancy tests, the whole 'if you think you're sick, go get tested' message is going to be at odds with the 'if you’re sick, stay home' message. Luckily for me, contact tracing was relatively easy because I don’t have many friends or coworkers. It might not be so easy for popular people, or people who work with a lot of other people. I chose the option that put the onus of uncertainty on ME, not on society. I don’t blame anyone for choosing to side with statistical certainty, but I’d rather not know whether it’s COVID than travel through public spaces carrying a potentially fatal virus, willfully putting others at risk. If you think knowing for sure is more important, than by all means go get tested, but don’t imply I’m being irresponsible for following a rule that is specifically meant to save lives.