#we lost our other boy to heart failure last year and we all started babying mickey to cope and now hes not got long left and its so painful

[tomboyyyaoi]

aggh

[nah-she-didnt]

I’ll just choose a random one! What about... 17? From the promp list xx

Hello! Thank you for the prompt, I’m sorry it took so long. I just could not get the right angle on it. I actually wrote an entire Hinny response to this, but I accidentally deleted it (womp womp). Anyway, please enjoy this Jily moment! 

Read on AO3!

-- 

All Your Moments

The atmosphere inside the common room was like that of a poorly-attended funeral. Forlorn students milled about the room, still wrapped in Gryffindor scarves and clad in gold and crimson face paint. A lone banner with a large, moving lion lay crumpled in the corner, forgotten after the devastating loss to Slytherin. 

Lily sat among her friends in front of the crackling fire. Peter hugged his knees to his chest as he stared dismayed into the flames. Mary and Dorcas began a sullen game of wizard chess, prodding their pieces around the board half-heartedly. Sirius and Remus sat in the same squishy armchair, Remus’ head resting against Sirius’ chest. 

Sirius sighed loudly. “Thank god I got disowned, I don’t think I’d ever hear the end of this from Reg if I still lived at home.” 

Remus laughed, but Peter’s face remained unchanged. “I can’t believe we fucking lost,” he muttered into his knees. 

Remus threw a pillow in his direction. “Buck up, Pete. It’s not like you lost, just your team.” 

Peter gaped at Remus. “You know, Remus, you’ve never really understood the beautiful game that is quidditch.” 

“At least he understands his Transfiguration homework,” Sirius snapped. 

“Boys, boys,” Remus sighed, throwing a sharp look in Sirius’ direction, “let’s not fight, yeah? Tonight’s depressing enough.” 

Lily glanced towards the boys dormitory. James had disappeared up the stairs after the game and had not resurfaced since. She knew he had to be hurting right now. Quidditch had been a massive part of his life ever since he started at Hogwarts, and to lose the championship game as captain in his seventh year had to be devastating. At this thought, Lily hoisted herself up from between the squashy couch cushions and stood, shoulders squared, facing the boy’s dormitory. 

“I’m going up there,” she said confidently and moved towards the staircase. 

Sirius caught her arm. “Lily, no,” he said gravely, “you haven’t been dating Prongs very long, but let me tell you. He is an insufferable crybaby when he loses at quidditch.”

Lily scoffed. “Oh come on, he can’t be that bad.” 

“No, he’s worse,” Peter grimaced, “remember when they lost to Hufflepuff in fourth year and he disappeared into the forest for four hours?” 

“Maybe he needs a bit of cheering up,” smirked Mary as her knight decimated Dorcas’ pawn.

Lily glared at Mary. “I’m not going to shag him out of his misery, but thanks for the suggestion.” 

Mary shrugged. “It would work, that’s all I’m saying.” 

Lily very much doubted Mary’s words as she climbed the stairs to James’ room. She remembered that loss against Hufflepuff. James moped around the castle for a full week, barely speaking in classes, which at the time had been a blessing. Now she felt her heart drop when she recalled the look on James’ face as he dismounted his broom on the quidditch pitch, the Slytherin players celebrating and hoisting the Quidditch Cup in the background. 

Lily reached James’ door and knocked softly. There was no reply. 

“James?” she called tentatively, knocking, again, “are you alright? We thought you might like to join us downstairs.” 

There was no response. She knocked again. 

“James, I know you’re upset, but please come down. It’s not the same down there without you.” She pushed open the door, but the dorm was empty. 

“That was fast,” Dorcas grinned as Lily approached the group again, “bit of a quick draw, is he?” 

“Shut up,” she snapped, “Remus, I need the map.” 

Remus frowned. “What makes you think I have it?” 

“Because that map is like your baby, now hand it over.” 

Remus grumbled but reached into his pocket for the map. Lily snatched it out of his hand and started to scan the corridors for James.

“He must have slipped out under the invisibility cloak,” she murmured as she searched. 

“I’m telling you,” Peter sighed, “he’s off to the forest. Someday we’ll tell our kids, ‘oh yeah, I remember James Potter. He was a giant sore loser who marched into the forest one day, never to be seen again.’” 

Lily ignored this, her eyes sweeping over the Hogwarts grounds. Finally, she spotted him. “Gotcha.” 

She triumphantly stuffed the map into her pocket. Remus flinched at the way she manhandled his craftsmanship, but she couldn’t bring herself to care at the moment. 

“Right, I’m off to find my crybaby boyfriend, pray that I don’t get caught by Filch.” The others echoed calls of luck as she made her way out of the dormitory. 

The castle was dark and silent as she crept along the walls. Every shadow was Filch, every squeaking mouse was Mrs. Norris. She realized about halfway to the entrance hall that she was in a stupidly vulnerable position. She knew that if she were caught she could just say she was out of bed on official Head Girl business. However, if she ran into any Slytherins on her way out, she would almost certainly be outnumbered. She forced herself not to think about that possibility and pressed on. 

She stopped just before the great oak doors to the castle and pulled the map out of her pocket again. There he was, still sitting motionless in the middle of the quidditch pitch. Drama queen, she thought as she suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. No, she needed to compose herself and support him now. 

The night air was crisp and warm, not quite the oppressive heat of summer but still pleasant enough without her cloak. She traipsed through the grass damp with mist and across the grounds towards the pitch. 

She didn’t know as much about quidditch as some of her friends, but even she could tell that James had played badly that day. He seemed distracted, like he was always one step behind his teammates. In one particularly bad moment James had turned his head to bark orders at his keeper and completely missed the bludger that soared right into his throwing arm. He played out the rest of the game, but he hadn’t been able to make any more goals. 

Lily halted at the entrance to the pitch and scanned the dark grass. The pitch appeared empty, but Lily knew better. 

“Oi, Potter!” she shouted into the night. 

A moment of silence passed. Then a floating head popped into view. 

“Over here,” he called. She could hear the defeat in his voice. 

She walked the length of the pitch until she was level with James, then plopped to the ground beside him. The water from the grass beneath them soaked through her knee high socks. 

“You don’t play fair,” he muttered miserably, “I came out here to mope away from everyone, but you got the map off Remus, didn’t you?”

She grimaced. “I didn’t want you to be all alone.” 

James glanced up to the goal posts in front of them. “You know,” he said thoughtfully, “I’ll never play another proper game of quidditch. The whole time leading up to the game all I could think about was winning, but I never thought to just enjoy my last moments up there.” 

Lily nodded and reached out to clasp his hand. “I’m sorry, James. You’ll play quidditch again someday.” 

“Yeah,” he sighed, eyes still pointed to the skies, “but it won’t be the same. I’ll get over it, I suppose, but I wish I’d played well enough to remember it fondly.” 

Lily didn’t know what to say to this. She knew she couldn’t disagree with him. He knew as well as anyone that he played poorly that day, and any attempt to contradict him seemed feeble. She offered him a small smile. 

“You know, you have your whole life ahead of you. You’re an incredible man. You’ll do things that are much more important than winning the quidditch cup.” 

He laughed and squeezed her hand. “That doesn’t help as much as I’m sure you intended, but thank you.” 

Lily tugged at him. “Come on, let’s get you inside. Everyone’s waiting in the Common Room.” 

James shook his head. “No, I just want to remember this place for a bit. But could you stay with me? Honestly, after this shit day, I just want a hug.”

She nodded, and they laid back in the grass together, gazing up at the sky. She rested her head against his chest and draped an arm across his waist. They lay in silence for a few minutes, listening to the light wind whip across the open field. Lily could feel water soaking the back of her sweater now, but she didn’t care. 

She never knew how nice it would be to share his failures with him as well as his triumphs. Here he was, solemn and dejected, but still open. She realized in that moment how much she wanted from him. She wanted all his moments, his great booming laughter and his silent disappointment. Every new emotion with him felt right. 

James finally smiled over at her through the blades of grass that separated them. “I’m a real joy to be around right now, I’m sure.”

Lily laughed. “It’s alright, I like it out here with you. And you never stay down for long, you know. Even now you’re joking around like everything is alright. That’s one of the things I love about you.” 

James’ smile slid from his face and was replaced with surprise. She’d never said that word to him before, but it felt natural in the moment. Even now she realized she did not regret her words. 

“You love that about me?” he whispered through the darkness.

She nodded softly. “Yeah. I love you, James. I do.” 

James blinked stupidly for a moment as if he were processing her words. Then he sat up quickly. “Wait,” he said, eyes narrowing, “you’re not just saying that to make me feel better, are you?” 

Lily laughed as she sat up too. “No, I mean it. I love you, James Potter.” 

James sat stunned for a moment. Then he jumped to his feet and whooped with laughter.

“I’m sorry,” she said, also clambering to her feet, “what exactly is funny about that?” 

James dived at her, picked her up, and spun her around. When her feet landed on the ground once more he held her close and pressed his forehead to hers. “What’s funny, Lily Evans, is that I never in all my life thought you would say those words to me.” 

Lily rolled her eyes. “Don’t be daft,” she said, trying and failing to look annoyed, “you must have known.” 

“Never,” he beamed down at her then kissed her gently. The wind tugged at her hair and clothes as they swayed for a moment, gripping each other tightly. 

Lily suddenly broke the kiss. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What? Oh! I love you too, of course,” he grinned, “I’ve loved you ever since I’ve known you.” 

“That’s more like it,” she laughed, then tackled him back to the ground.

[cap-ironman]

2019 Cap-Iron Man Holiday Exchange and Community Gifts Creators Reveals & Masterpost

This year we had 68 wonderful works submitted for our event! Thank you all very much for participating in all kinds of ways: writing, arting, submitting the prompts for the Community Gifts, cheerleading the creators, and beta-reading! We hope you had lots of fun. And here, finally, is the full event masterlist revealing the creators of each work! Please remember to mind the tags and warnings at each individual work page, and leave kudos and comments on the works you've enjoyed! ★ And she saw the case, but she saw him first by Lets_call_me_Lily for ishipallthings (3490/Noir, Art)

Natasha Stark, head of Stark Investigations. Taking on hopeless cases, and sometimes giving hope in return.

★ Antoine Stargaze by HogwartsToAlexandria for frosted_astronaut (MCU AU, 2049 Words)

Where boys are smitten, and Natasha nudges Steve just enough.

★ Beautiful Lie by jayjayverse for SweetFanfics (Ults, 8560 Words)

Antonia Stark breaks with all the conceptions Steve has about women. She is everything he never thought he wanted or desire in a person, in fact he didn't even consider her waking up in this century, she was simply a teammate.

★ beautiful stranger by ohjustpeachy for ShadowsintheClouds (MCU, 2198 words)

Both Tony and Steve grow up thinking the other is dead. When they first meet in Avengers 1 there are tears and everyone is really confused until they realize that the two are soulmates.

★ Blank Spaces by only_more_love for starksnack (MCU,  3023 Words)

Steve discovers that not everything in this unfamiliar century he's woken up in is bad. Maybe there's a place for him in it, after all.

★ Brewed Awakening by iam93percentstardust for  Nixie_DeAngel (MCU, 16545 Words)

Two years after he comes out of the ice, Steve is drifting through life. On his teammate's recommendation, he decides to go back to school where he meets the grandson of an old friend. He finds happiness with Tony but Steve won't be in Boston forever and someone is out to hurt the Starks. Will Steve and Tony be able to reach their happily ever after?

★ By Any Name by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU AU, 1017 Words)

The world of spies is not kind on love.

★ Compatibility, Interrupted by MK_Yujji for Areiton (MCU, 2177 Words)

Steve gave up on soulmates after his transformation. He certainly didn't expect to find his in the future.

★ Even After All Those Years? by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Cap Iron Man Community (Noir, 743 Words)

Their eyes meet across the crowd. They never thought they would ever see each other again.

★ Everything Goes to Hell Anyway by dirigibleplumbing for navaan (1872, 15796 Words)

A visitor to Timely is killed, and Tony is the main suspect. Steve has no doubt of Tony’s innocence, but more strangers still are in town looking for a mysterious book, and Mayor Fisk’s boys are up to no good. It isn't long before everything goes to hell.

★ A Farm for the Horny and the Desperate by HogwartsToAlexandria for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 1738 Words)

The one where Tony walks in on Steve masturbating at Clint's farm.

★ from your secret santa by avengersincamphalfbloodstardis for SevereLove51 (MCU, 4775 Words)

The year is 2012 and all of the Avengers have moved into the tower. The holidays are coming up and it's the perfect time for each teammate to get to know another as well as they can. So of course, they do secret santa. When Tony gets Steve, he panics. How is he supposed to find a gift for the amazing Captain America?

★ For Science by HogwartsToAlexandria for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 1334 Words)

For the comm prompt- After a not-so-great night out with a girl, Steve confides to Tony that he thinks he’s not a very good kisser. Tony, of course, offers to practice with him.

★ Giddy-up Cowgirl by CaughtAGhost for Cap Iron Man Community (1872, Art)

A community fill for: "genderbent AU in a more idyllic West, though Steve still struggles with the responsibilities of sheriff and Tony is even more underestimated as the town's drunk blacksmith"

★ the heart of this flower imagines by diskarte for MK_Yujji (MCU AU, 4269 Words)

Steve isn’t really paying attention to anything when something red catches his eye: a petal. He looks down at his lap and picks it up. He’s contemplating the petal, glancing around to see where it could’ve come from, when an unfamiliar feeling wells up inside him and he coughs. He hasn’t coughed in years, not after the serum. He looks down. On his lap: more petals.

★ here comes the sun by Nasa for hundredthousands (MCU, 6884 words)

Steve and Tony meet at Woodstock. It's not the smoothest of starts for their friendship.

★ Hidden Words by ShadowsintheClouds for Padraigen (MCU, 17854 words)

In a world where someone's soul name is held in great regard, Steve is forced to grow up hiding his, lest he and his soulmate get hurt for it. He tries his best to keep things hidden, but when he goes into the ice and braces for death he inadvertently reveals his soul name to those who find him years later. Will Steve have to continue hiding or will he finally get a chance at safety and happiness

★ hologram blue by laireshi for navaan (616, 2069 Words)

During the Superhero Civil War, Tony gets haunted by hallucinations of Steve.

★ A Hook-Up by navaan for Sadisticsparkle (Noir, 1250 Words)

Private Rogers is looking for a bit of male company and gets more than he bargained for.

★ The Hot Guy Has A Tail? by betheflame for BeenAsleepFor70Years (MCU AU, 1506 Words)

Tony was used to hallucinating. Well, maybe not used to it, but certainly not unfamiliar with it. But he hadn’t taken any shrooms in days, and he’d actually slept more than 2 hours the night before, so the logical conclusion to what he was seeing was that it was actually happening. The hot guy he’d been ogling from his Intro to Western Civ class for months was in the pool. And he had a tail. The hot guy from Western Civ had a tail.

★ I Saw Cap Kissing Santa Claus by Mizzy for Cathalinaheart (616, 7222 Words)

When Tony dressed as Santa for Queen County Hospital's annual toy drive, he wasn't expecting Steve to recognize him...as Iron Man.

★ I still like your smile (even if it's filled with teeth) by Sadisticsparkle (sadisticsparkle) for diabla616 (616, 6186 Words)

It has been a lifetime since Tony last saw the Mansion and the Avengers, but his relationship with Steve is as confusing as ever. They're still sleeping together, they're still officially friends and now he's lost in a magical forest with a wolf tracking his every move. He hates magic.

★ In the Comfort of Your Arms by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Gryvon (MCU, Art)

Steve and Tony take a few days to themselves after a hard battle.

★ Inevitable Outcome by cptxrogers for Cap Iron Man Community (Ults, 2499 Words)

Tony can't believe that his team has locked him in a closet with Steve, ostensibly to relieve the sexual tension between them. He's surprised they would stoop that low, but he's even more surprised that Steve seems to be up for it.

★ Jurassic times call for Jurassic measures by Fluffypanda for marumo (Avengers Assemble, 3544 Words)

A trip to the Savage Land goes very, very wrong.

★ last call by gottalovev for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 5640 Words)

Tony didn’t prepare for Steve calling first. It's been thirteen months, why now?

★ lead up the garden path by gottalovev for nasa (1872, 5261 Words)

They cannot live openly, but Sheriff Steve Rogers has found love with Tony Stark, Timely's blacksmith and inventor. He thought everything was going well, until their friend Carol Danvers comes back from Washington with her sister Jessica and everything changes.

★ Locker-Room Revelations by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 336 Words)

Tony finds out a secret of Steve's in the locker-room.

★ March 10th, 1964 by SmileAndASong for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 1704 Words)

There’s a cake in the fridge. It’s beautiful, at least three layers high, and with an intricate red, white, and blue frosting pattern that perfectly emulates a certain shield. It’s very obvious that it’s for Steve. But why?

★ Media Blitz by Nixie_DeAngel for Fluffypanda (MCU, 1378 words)

“Well, if I hadn’t, Pep pot, we wouldn’t we be reliving the weirdest two weeks of my life. Again,” Tony points out. “And really, that’s saying something considering last year you, Nat, and I got sent to that pleasure planet with bird boys one and two.” “We agreed that would never be spoken of again,” she cuts in, eyes sharpening into a fierce glare. Or, reason number 3 on why Pepper Potts shoulder never be allowed to have a vacation that allows for a media black out while she lounges on a beach by herself.

★ Mistletoe Smoochin’ by BeenAsleepFor70Years for zappedbysnow (AA, Art)

Some mistletoe business between the best boys for zappedbysnow! Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas!

★ A New Day [Art] by Cachette for afincf_tirwer (MCU, Art)

Steve has always seen in greys and blacks. Even before the ice the colours never developed fully, there were hints of colours, mostly blue or red, Bucky's eyes, Peggy's lips but he never saw anything like what was described in the books. The first colour he sees in the 21st century is the bright red and gold of Iron Man, sleek, futuristic and a total mystery.

★ Of matchmaking and failure by afincf_tirwer for iam93percentstardust (MCU AU, 4085 Words)

When the new art teacher arrives, Peter Parker and his friends think he'd make a great match for the school's physics teacher Tony Stark. However, as their plans progress, some things are revealed that throw a wrench in the works and set them up for embarrassment.

★ oh baby I can't even explain by muchmoremajestic for Neverever (AA, 10583 Words)

Prompt: Steve and Tony dance around each other, wanting to ask each other out on a first date, but things keep getting in the way from the random invasions on campus to each of them being nervous/getting in their own way. Or: The five times Steve and Tony tried to ask each other out, and the one time they finally got it together.

★ one may smile and be a villain by CaughtAGhost for jayjayverse (616, Art)

Fill for the prompt: Captain Hydra happens, Tony doesn't go on coma and fight against him. The avengers won, Steve is in prison and Tony decide to erase Hydra before what they did to Steve (and he didnt being capable to find a way to make Steve come back), so he go to every compound of Hydra and destroy them. Until he find something. The archives with all the fail subjects are in one computer, it’s just a little suspicious line of “code names” and information of what happened every single clone, all dead at some stage of growth and then bumps into the last file, still active, shows the background and there is no estimate of life as in the other files, Tony looks for the place where this clone is, flies and destroy everything, take the little baby he found and fly away from there. When Steve (the real one) comes back, a lot of time had passed, the avengers are led by Carol, Tony is an AI and Steve needs to get used to everything one more time.

★ pants on fire by nanasekei  for talesofsuspense (MCU, 9630 Words)

“Look, I’m not thrilled by the prospect of spending my day here either," Nick said, "but there’s no postponing this. We can’t give them a chance to combine stories.” “Right,” Hill said. “And I’m sure they’ll all be very…cooperative.” “Hope you didn’t have any dinner plans." Hill’s sigh mirrored his own so much it was unnerving. “Okay.” She leaned forward and pressed a button on his desk. “Send in the first one.”

★ Patron of the Arts by BladeoftheNebula for diskarte (MCU, 2258 Words)

Steve meets a handsome stranger at an art show.

★ the perfect date by IronSwordStarShield (SweetFanfics) for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 5638 Words)

Tony needs an alpha to be his date for a fancy shing-ding. He asks Steve, who says yes. And then Tony's heat strikes early.

★ Phish Food and Cheez Whiz by starksnack for HogwartsToAlexandria (MCU AU, 2584 Words)

Tony's afraid he'll be a bad father, Steve disagrees. + they have sex.

★ Possession by marumo for meshkol (616, Art)

Prompt "Hydra/Villain Steve decides he wants Iron Man, by any means necessary."

★ Presents by Neverever for BladeoftheNebula (1872, 2648 Words)

For their first Christmas together, Sheriff Rogers doesn't know what to get his partner, Mr. Stark.

★ Public Displays of Affection by navaan for Westernwood11 (616, 2265 Words)

It's not a good day when AIM and Hydra come for them at the same time... Things get away from them in the heat of the moment.

★ ride [FANART] by cap_ironman_event_mod for Blaithin (616, Art)

stevetony motorbike gang au

★ Save Your Kisses For Me by ishipallthings for avengersincamphalfbloodstardis (MCU, 3197 Words)

It’s nearly Christmas, and Steve Rogers’ biggest problem is that he’s terrible at keeping his new relationship with Tony under wraps. Oh, and he still needs to find the perfect Christmas present for Tony. That is, until Tony gets hurt on a mission without Steve. Then Steve has a new problem.

★ Say It First by talesofsuspense for SmileAndASong (Ults, 1788 Words)

Steve doesn’t know how to say what he wants, but Tony knows what he means anyway.

★ Shakey-Shake Globe Land by starksnack for Cap Iron Man Community (AU, ART)

Have some art! Happy holidays!!!

★ A Shove in the Right Direction by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 877 Words)

Everyone was sick of it, but he was the only one ready to do something about it.

★ Snow Bunnies by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 1500 Words)

Steve finds a way to get some fun out of a winter chore.

★ Snow Wolf by talesofsuspense for Cap Iron Man Community (Any, Art)

Capwolf having fun in the snow.

★ The Soldier and the Man of Iron by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU AU, 202 Words)

Steve is a wounded soldier looking for his lost brother. He stumbles across Stark Tower looking for shelter.

★ Steve's Secret by Neverever for Cachette (MCU, 2911Words)

Steve has been sketching Tony since they met. But Steve will never have a chance with Tony, who is so far out of his league. Even though Tony seems to really like his new sweaters.

★ Strings Attach, We Conquer by HogwartsToAlexandria for betheflame (MCU AU, 7235 Words)

Steve and Tony have been together and mated for about a year when the questions of their pack become a little more - too - insistent and it's time to lift the veil on a secret that has led all of them to wrongly presume of their bond. Decisions and celebrations happen.

★ Take me away, I don't mind by diabla616 for gezhu (Ults, 2359 words)

Steve hates the 21st Century - it's lonely and he's still not over what he's lost from his own time. So when the Ultimates missions keep throwing the possibility of time-travel into his day, well, he has to try. Or: all the times Steve tried to use a villain's time-travel device to go back to the past, and the one time he chose to stay in the future.

★ Through the Drinking Glass by Cathalinaheart for gottalovev (1872, 1820 words)

It's the anniversary of Bucky's death and a drunk Sheriff shows up at Tony's door in the middle of the night.

★ A Timely Rescue by vorkosigan for Cap Iron Man Community (1872, 8341  words)

Tony saves Steve's life, but if neither of them says anything about how they feel about each other, Steve will stay in Timely and Tony will fly away to gallivant among the stars, and they may never see each other again. A Firefly AU.

★ Tony, Do You Want My Eggplant? (art) by zappedbysnow for DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) (MCU, Art)

Cap was advised to try gardening for therapy. Now everyone reaps the fruits of his harvest. Especially Tony.

★ the truth, ugly and beautiful by Areiton for alexcat (MCU, 3048 Words)

The truth, ugly and beautiful, is that you loved him.    You love him still.    The truth, ugly and beautiful, is that love was never enough.

★ An Unspeakable Choice by meshkol (ashernorton) for CaughtAGhost (616, 9674 Words)

When Tony and Steve are kidnapped after a mission goes wrong, they are given an unimaginable choice: the death of innocents, or the death of one of them.

★ Untitled by hundredthousands for only_more_love (MCU, 1329 Words)

Tony would say he’s used to seeing himself, but something about this is different.

★ Waiting for You by alexcat for GotTheSilver (MCU, 2559  words)St

eve missed Tony and Tony missed Steve. What if Steve called first?

★ We Did It by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, Art)

When the dust settled and all the fighting was done, they met each other in the middle of all the destruction, coming together after all those years.

★ We'll Cross Paths Again by SevereLove51 for ohjustpeachy (MCU AU, 1930 Words)

Tony Stark is a successful business after he inherited his father’s business. He is invited to a masquerade party hosted by Justin Hammer. As he’s there, he noticed that the bartender looks oddly similar to his high school sweetheart that broke his heart.

★ What Are Friends For by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU AU, 714 Words)

Professor Stark has a crush on the University's new Professor.

★ What the Textbooks Never Told by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Cap Iron Man Community (616, 433 Words)

History has a habit of omitting the darker parts of what makes the worlds heroes

★ Where Your Heart Is by gryvon for nanasekei MCU AU, 2582 Words)

Steve has an instant crush on the new kid.

★ The Wings of our Hearts by DarthBloodOrange (DepressingGreenie) for Cap Iron Man Community (MCU, 1278 Words)

Steve and Tony are cursed with wings. Neither of them handle it well.

★ Winin' and Dinin' the Sheriff (Without the Wine) by SmileAndASong for dirigibleplumbing (1872, 4362 Words)

In one night, Tony is finally going to do something that he’s wanted to for a long time. And he'll be something he hasn’t been in an even longer time. It’s a mighty tall order, but if it wins him the heart of the dashing Sheriff Rogers, it’ll be worth it.

★ Your Mind and Your Heart by GotTheSilver for muchmoremajestic (MCU, 7930 Words)

When Tony asks him what he wants for his birthday at the Fourth party he’s throwing, Steve shrugs and says “to get laid,” without even thinking about it. “You—excuse me?” “Shit, I didn’t mean—” Steve can feel his cheeks flush with heat as he realises what he’s said. “Ignore that, really, I’ve had some of Thor’s mead and I—” “That’s a cute excuse, but I know you’ve been drinking Mojitos and, unless Erskine’s science was very very wrong, those don’t affect you. So,” Tony hops up on the counter, the muscles in his arms flexing as he does. “No dice.” “Is there any way I can get you to drop this?”

Were your guesses right? Are you surprised at something? You can post your reactions to the guessing post! And finally, if you participated in the event, feel free to post your work wherever you want now! We will be reblogging every tumblr post tagged with #capimexchange in one of the first five tags. Thank you for a great event, 2019 Holiday Exchange and Community Gifts mods

[gohyuck]

4+4+17 with haechan

surgical resident!haechan and surgical resident!reader

i’ve been watching a lot of grey’s recently lol. the college is more “just out of med school” and the coming of age is more “feeling pain and coping” because that’s a life skill hard-learned and also because I had a VERY similar request to this one for renjun (found here) and I don’t wanna repeat that

warning: minor character death

4) college

4) coming of age

17) “It feels like I’m suffocating.”

donghyuck’s head is buried in his hands when you find him sitting on a spare gurney in one of the more empty hallways of the hospital. his lab coat is in a wrinkled pile on one side of him, while an empty - and totally crushed - plastic water bottle is on the other.

he doesn’t move at all when you move his lab coat aside to sit down next to him.

“bad day?” you ask, realizing that he isn’t going to tell you to leave like you’d been afraid he would. tentatively, you place a gentle hand on top of his hunched back. at feeling your touch, your boyfriend heaves a heavy sigh.

“dr. jung... let me scrub in on a ventricular restoration to treat heart failure in this heart attack victim today and it-it...” he chokes on his own words, and you find yourself running a hand up and down his back, doing your best to soothe him as he tries to find the words to continue. “the patient was so... young. he’d just had a second kid - a newborn - and he was fine one day and i was cutting into him to look at his heart the next, fuck!”

donghyuck quickly lifts his head out of his hands as he swears, his volume reaching a high out of nowhere as his shoulders stiffen. you pull your hand away from him immediately, as if stung, but you’re quick to place it back in the same place as he deflates in on himself once more.

“dr. jung had to tell the patient’s wife about her loss. maybe if she’d - it she’d cried, or screamed, it would feel less real, but she just stood there and-and-and stared right through jaehyun and right through me for the longest time until she just nodded, sat back down, and asked if she could be alone with her sons for a moment, please, and that she was grateful we’d done all we could. she was the one grieving but in that moment of her strength it... honestly, it felt like i had lost someone, too. she couldn’t cry in front of her boys but i wanted to cry for her it- god, this job fucking sucks. it sucks! it feels like i’m- like i’m suffocating, sometimes.”

you can’t say you aren’t taken aback by donghyuck’s outburst - after all, you’ve spent your entire internships and residencies together, and have been dating for about a year, and he’s never once sounded so distraught about the horrors that come with practicing medicine, specifically with practicing surgery. if anything, he’s one of the most enthusiastic residents you can think of, especially when it comes to traumas and sudden surgeries. while pretty much all surgeons are swift, you’ve never seen someone as quick on their feet as hyuck. he’s saved plenty of lives while having seen plenty of deaths. nothing he’s speaking of is new to him, but the way his tone shifts along the troughs and peaks of his story make you feel as if maybe even the most radiant people have breaking points.

“hyuck... babe...” you start, trailing off almost immediately as you try to think. after a moment - it hits you. you know exactly what to do.

you don’t try to say anything, knowing it’ll be to no avail. he’s justified in how he feels - patient deaths may happen often, but surgeons are expected to grieve them quietly. it’s only natural that everyone has a breaking point with them. hell, you’ve been there - for you, it was a young woman with muscular dystrophy.

you don’t try to say anything - you just stand up and reach your hand out, directly in his line of sight. donghyuck looks up at you, brows furrowed and eyes looking as if he’s drowning inside.

“put your coat on and take my hand,” you wiggle your fingers at him. “i want to show you something.”

he’s dumbfounded.

“this isn’t really the time-”

“i promise you that it is. trust me, yeah?”

donghyuck blinks slowly once, twice, thrice before he sighs and places on hand in yours, using the other to grab onto his lab coat. you smile at him and pull him up to stand beside you. he won’t feel this way forever, but if you can ease the process, you’ll do it.

♕ ♕ ♕

“are you sure we’re allowed in here?” hyuck’s voice is raspy as he whispers directly into your ear. one of his hands is situated on your lower back, though you aren’t sure whether it’s to keep you close or keep you away. you nod your head.

“i was on pediatric service today, it shouldn’t be a problem,” you respond, leading him into the newborn nursery. “besides, we’re doctors. we work here. anyways, most mothers will keep their newborns with them, but sometimes they’ll feel it’s safest for their baby to be in the newborn nursery.”

“some of them are also abandoned babies, right?” he murmurs, following you through the door.

“right. pretty much all of them get adopted reasonably quickly because the hospital is so accredited, and because babies are adopted fast in comparison, anyways. they’ve been given a life, and we give them the ability to live. sounds like a good deal to me, right?” your last sentence deteriorates into a form of baby speak as you talk at - though not to - the sleeping little boy in the crib closest to you.

donghyuck leans over the crib next to the one you’re at, smiling tentatively at the awake baby in it and allowing himself a small laugh when she gurgles back at him. neither of you dare to touch them, but you suspect just seeing them will put your boyfriend in better spirits.

he smiles down at the baby girl for a bit before looking up and slowly surveying the nursery. finally, donghyuck turns to look at you, his soft smile growing slightly.

“it’s kind of cliché to show me the ‘miracle of life’ after i’ve witnessed a death, isn’t it?” he teases, stepping towards you and resting his hands on your waist. you allow yourself a short laugh before responding.

“i was just thinking that babies are cute, to be honest,” you say, and hyuck chuckles softly before leaning and pressing a kiss to your forehead.

“whatever the thought process was, it worked,” he assures you, and you grin at him before looping your arms around his neck for a hug. donghyuck can’t help but move his lips to rest by one of your ear’s before speaking again, his voice low this time.

“you know, these babies are kind of adorable. what say we make one of our own in an on call room some time?”

“you little-” you unwrap yourself from his arms, gently smacking his chest. he notes the blush and the smile on your face, though, and can’t help but place his lips on your forehead again. just as you let your eyes slide shut to savor the moment, a loud - or as loud as one can be around newborns - exclamation startles you.

“lee. (name). what the hell are you two doing?” the two of you find one of the attending pediatric doctors - dr. suh, actually - looking down at the two of you, though there’s no anger in his eyes. still, you and your boyfriend fly apart from each other, rushing to explain yourselves.

“we wanted to experience the miracle of life-” you start.

“babies are really, really, cute-” donghyuck speaks at the same time as you. you both stop abruptly to look at dr. suh, then at each other, then back to dr. suh again. he’s grinning at the two of you, thoroughly entertained. you can feel the gears start to grind in donghyuck’s head. before you can stop him from opening his mouth, he speaks, tone sly when he does.

“actually, (name) and i were thinking that we want to make one of our own-”

“donghyuck!”

[youremyonlyhope]

Starship Rewatch

10 years ago today (well, yesterday since I’m posting it a day later), 15 year old Hope curled up on her couch to watch a new StarKid show called Starship right as it dropped. This was the first time I got to watch a show when it was posted since I didn’t become a StarKid fan until a months earlier. I was so excited.

And now, I’m rewatching Starship for the first time in full in at least 5 years I think. I listened to the soundtrack twice earlier today, singing along at my desk at work (thank god no one else was here tonight to judge me). I still know so many of the lyrics. And so many little jokes and stuff were flooding back. Starship was my favorite StarKid show for a long time, so I’m so excited to watch this again to see if it’s still my fave.

This post ended up being really long, so you’ve been warned. But it also includes pictures of the crocheted Roach and Bugette plushies that I made as a teen.

OH. THE OLD LOGO. AHHH. I already have so many feels. The future is now! I can’t handle this. The nostalgia! The Galactic League of Extraterrestrial Exploration. My facebook account to this day says I am a Starship Ranger at the G.L.E.E. because I’ve never bothered to change it. Also, shoutout to anyone from the StarKidPotter FB and EFST days if you’re reading this. AHHH IT’S CHRIS AND ERIC. Ok I might have to pause 20 thousand times during this Starship Ranger ad to acknowledge all the StarKid cameos. Tyler! “We come to conquer... in peace!” Tyler I love you. Brian and Richard! I forgot they painted Richard BLUE. Britney and Ariel! Nicholas Joseph Stauss-Matathia! I see that StarKid’s website has shortened his name to just Nicholas Strauss but remember the days when we’d purposefully say his full name? Anyway, I literally just screamed “NICK” when I saw him because he was always one of my faves. The Old Snatch was and still is iconic. Devin and Lily! The Wizard God himself, AJ Holmes. God... remember those AJ Holmes appreciation days where we’d make Chuck Norris-like memes about AJ? So much is rushing back from the depths of my mind oh my god... It’s been so long yet it feels like yesterday... “Someone really *static* F- *static* -ucked up big time” Love it.

2 minutes and 22 seconds in. I’ve written so much. I had to pause before Joey started singing to take a moment. I love this show so much. I love these goofballs so much. And they’re all so young. Most of them are younger than I am now. This is insane.

Ok I have to promise myself not to pause as much now. *Spoiler, I failed*

“I’ll fight off this gamma radiation if it’s the last thing I ever do!... We’re going down! This is the last thing I’ll ever do!” Oh my god. Look at baby Joey. He hasn’t even graduated from college yet. And that Bug puppet! Someone remind me to dig up the pictures of my crocheted plushies of Starship puppets since I made Roach and Bugette and gave them to the StarKids at SPACE and Apocalyptour. (I also did Rumbleroar, but the bugs were my own pattern I made so I was more proud) The camera is focused in on Bug instead of Joey’s face. I love it. So much. Brannnttttttt. My god. Am I gonna freak out over every single entrance? Roach pretending to die, he’s the best friend ever. “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs.” “Or the one bug, I know.” Oh man, when that line comes back... “Dirt eater” “Exoskeleton polisher” “I wanna build honeycombs” “The bug that ruins your picnic” “A fly on the wall!” That line came back to me earlier today and I died. Remembering that line was like 50% of the reason I listened to the soundtrack today.

Nick Lang! Julia! LAUREN LOPEZ. THERE SHE IS. Lovebugs, I can’t. *Sentimental music* “You could come over to my nest and I could... tear off your head and let my larva devour your body?” How did I forget that line? The way Lauren has to kick Bugette’s larva sack to walk. But the way that it also works so well with the character. I can’t. The Mosquito Brothers!! I forgot they show up so early. “This is our sister, Sweetheart” “...YO.” I CANNOT HANDLE JIM POVOLO. The “zzzz”s like buzzing as backing vocals instead of the usual “ahs” and “oohs.” The things you don’t appreciate until years later. Darren, you genius. That is such a good detail. For a second I couldn’t remember who the Overqueen is played by. 99% sure it’s Jim (It is). Also. Overqueen like ovary... and it looks like a giant vagina. That had to be pointed out to me later. “FLATTERY WILL GET YOU... everywhere.” Why did I forget that line too? “I’m a starship ranger” “Quiet you, you’re drunk” “No I’m drunk!” I remembered that line probably like... 2 minutes earlier when I noticed Joe huddling in the background and realized that line was coming up. The way Joey lets go of the puppet so both he and the puppet walk away with their arms limp... so cute.

Before even pressing play on part 3, I can hear February saying “Let the record show I am super ahead of schedule.” and I’m dying. I forgot about Brian as the escape pod. Denise Donovan! That Star Trek prop. I’m dumb so I can’t remember if it’s a communicator or what. But I know my Uhura Barbie had a mini one that I lost within a month probably. “OxyGen” “Schience” I can’t. “Mission Log... I think I just heard a spooky noise.” How am I forgetting all of these amazing lines? “Pika-pi!” AHHH I JUST SCREAMED. “My stars, I seemed to have landed in a field of these aMiNals!” I can’t. “Can I tell you guys something?” *port de bras and falls gently to the ground* “Hello!” “TOTORO!” I’m dead. The balloon mechanism on the mosquitos! I forgot about that! “HOLY SHIT IT’S A BUUUUGGGGG” Ok something I noticed but didn’t mention earlier. The bug puppet that Joe uses when he says “I had my heart set on nourishment” is the same one red and pink one that Julia used when talking about wanting to be nourishment. When Julia actually gets eaten, she’s using a different bug puppet, the green and pink one, but the same character voice. So, I can’t tell if they intentionally had her play 2 bugs so Joe could be one of them later, or if it was a mistake. I might also just be overthinking things. “ME THINKS IT WENT THAT-A-WAY” I cannot handle Jim Povolo. That scream Joe does as he slimes her. Woah I originally wrote “There seems to be no signs of intelligent lifeforms anywhere” earlier and then deleted it since I don’t know why I found it remarkable. And then looking at the comments of this part I see someone mentioned a Toy Story reference. So that’s why that line stuck out to me. Aww StarKid. There are so many Disney references in this show.

THERE SHE IS. THERE’S MY GIRL TAZ. The pew pew effects how could I forget that!  “Hey Taz. You’re pretty tough for a chick.” “I was just going to say the same thing about you.” “Woahhhhhhhh” JoMo oh my god. “My spectrometer readings are off the wazooooooo” That line kills me. Why am I JUST NOW noticing, 10 years later, that Tootsie enters this scene with his gun facing the wrong way. Oh my god. “I saw the empirical proof that science killed god. It’s comforting to know he was once alive though. I like to think that when he died, he went to heaven.” Oh Tootsie Noodles. “...What the hell kind of name is that?” “He’s got bear hands??” Why do I forget all of these lines??!? That record scratch and freeze frame to go “BOOOOOO” oh my god I forgot that. “Like the other day, he was in the cafeteria, just cah-rying in front of everybody.” BOOOOOOO. Here we go, Taz’s amazing Up monologue. “And when Up, cuts an onion, the ONION is the one who cry.” HELP. Also 99% sure I used that joke for AJ appreciation at least one year. “Now take a walk off my knife” What a line. So awesome. I remember having a profile pic on FB that was the text of that monologue and the image of Lauren screaming “WALK IT OFF” I’m still convinced that first “WOO” from the audience that we hear when Up enters is Darren. “I do not peepee sitting down” “Huh??” JoMo’s face as if he’s trying his hardest not to laugh and I can’t tell if that’s him breaking character or if Krayonder is actually trying not to laugh. “I peepee like big boy, deadgoddamnit. So stop making fun of me because it hurts my feelings” I’m dying. Also, deadgoddamnit is amazing. “if you don’t go out there and die for something, then I will kill you for nothing.” I remembered the mirror scene, just seconds before it started and already started laughing. “You’re not a failure, overall.” “Allow me to introduce you to the final member of your team. MegaGirl!” I forgot how DRAMATIC that was. I also forgot that’s how MegaGirl comes into the story.

I need to stop pausing every 5 seconds oh my god I’ll never finish this tonight if I don’t.

“All hail AstroBoy” That was the funniest line. “MegaGirl, can you kill humans?” “No. But I’d like to.” I can’t handle it. “A horse ate my cousin! Me and horses got a feud.” #1 MegaGirl doing the “I’m watching you” hand sign. I can’t. “Hey. Miráme. *Slaps* NOW ESCHUCHAME” amazing. “Or that time. You taught me calculus... CALCULUS WAS TOUGH.” I never went past pre-calc. Nope. Ah. Get Back Up. One of my fave songs. “And now we dance.” Dylan’s “OW” as they lean back. “Ok Idiotas. Say something nice. Or I will kill you.” It’s all so iconic.

“So you still think being an egg planter is lame?” “...Yes.”  The larva oh my god. I forgot we see one before the end. That’s Jaime playing the larva I think. Life is definitely one of my all-time favorite StarKid songs to this day. I wish it was longer. I love it so much. And I love that its instrumental is scattered as a motif throughout the show. “It’s a short, small thing we lead. With so much potential, pointless or essential, which one can I be?” Wow. Near Pippin levels of giving me an existential crisis. Also wow Joey improved his singing so much between AVPS and Starship. “My name’s Bug” “*Gasp!* Like a bug??” “Uh... no.” “Good. I’m February, like the month, but a person.” I should start saying that honestly. “I’m Hope, like the concept, but a person.” “You boldly go where every man -hey- woman -bark woof- or data dog has ever gone before! Sorry K9DX” Adorable. Joey’s subtle little double nod he makes the Bug puppet do when he’s shocked she thinks he’s a Starship Ranger. Amazing. Ah he said goddamn not deadgoddamn! February should have known right then he wasn’t human! “Take my claw” that too. "The only thing that needs to rest are your jokes, because they are so tired.” “Woahhhhhh” No but like... why don’t I use that line in everyday life... “Now I am slightly less weak.” “Ok. I’m going to shoot this metal bitch!” I’m dying. How did I forget the Taz/MegaGirl rivalry?? “That thing is a R-O-B-O-T man” “Can’t fool me with numbers, Krayonder.” I’m dead. “The stack of hay was my cousin!” #2 The way Meredith says “barometric pressure” is great. And Tootsie saying “Well you must take real good care of it, because I never would have guessed.” He’s such a sweetheart. “Nobody shoot dammit, nobody shoot.” “KILL KILL KILL” I never really liked Hideous Creatures but it’s so cute to see MegaGirl do the choreo robotically. I love that the Gap hasn’t changed. “Cool it skank, you do not know me.” Another line that I forgot until a split second before it was said. I’m so glad whoever edited this added some pews going in the wrong way for Tootsie’s gun. I know I definitely noticed Tootsie’s gun was backwards during this part, but I don’t know if I noticed it was backwards in that very first scene too. I forgot about MegaGirl tossing out Specs. That “MEGAGIRL!!!” scream from Joe though.

“Never in my 6 long days of life.” Underappreciated joke. Also, I think this is the 4th unique upright bug puppet. We got red/pink, green/blue, green/pink, and now red/blue. Also, Nick Lang is a great puppeteer. “Yes, I helped her escape. But I swear, never in a million years, did I think I’d be caught and yelled at for it!”  Oh I forgot Bugette is the witness. Jaime’s angry face behind Joey is killing me. “He didn’t know the humans were evil.” “Oh, they’re not.” “Shut up!” Humoons and hoomans. “And no more singing or dancing” *gasps of horror* “The Overqueen has overspoken.” “Well, that’s not gonna help your chances with Bugette” Oh Roach. “PERHAPS.” Jim destroys me.

God the 4-person Pincer puppet. Amazing. Dylan’s arms being strong enough to be above his head for 10 minutes straight. Amazing. Also, Nick Lang is so emotive as a claw. It took me a sec but yeah JoMo is the tail. “There were? Where are they?” Joey’s face. “Tell me all about her” The claws under the chin I can’t. Hey StarKid, I see you throwing in an ad mid-video before Kick It Up a Notch. You’re lucky I love and support you guys. “Put ‘em together and what have you got?” bibbity boppity boo. More Disney references! This scene is full of them. Man, remember when we were all blown away by Dylan’s voice in this song the first time? Like we could tell he could sing in AVPM/S, but his songs were just so jokey and only his long “Welcooooooooooome” showed us his talent. But then Kick It Up a Notch happened. And we FINALLY appreciated Dylan’s beautiful voice. “I pushed it to the limit.” and “To coin a phrase, be a man.” more Disney. I might be overthinking this and will have to rewatch Life to confirm, but I think the camera zooming out as Pincer reprises Life is just like the camerawork when Bug sang it originally. If so, then wow even when filming their shows StarKid really thinks it all through. (Update: It totally is referencing the original zooms for Life and that’s amazing. Except it’s zooming out instead of in. I LOVE the attention to detail even in filming the show. I’m gonna guess that’s Liam’s doing.) All I can see when I hear Bug’s chorus of this song is Jaime and her SPACE tour dancing, which they incorporated in Apocalyptour as actual choreography. Because they’re goofballs. The kick line. Love it. God. Even though it’s not my favorite song from Starship (just because I love Life and Beauty more), Kick It Up A Notch is one of the best StarKid has ever done. I really has everything. Dylan’s gorgeous voice. Not one but two reprises of earlier songs to throw Bug’s own words back at him. Jim’s bass line. Awesome puppets. Disney references. It’s so amazing. I love how all the comments are either about Dylan’s voice or Dylan’s ability to hold his arms up for a 10+ minute scene or both.

"Gameover man, gameover!” “I feel like cutting open your belly, and filling it with jelly” *Gasps* Oh my god, I put on the captions for a second, and  the caption said *Sad spayed puppy noises* “I am in charge of this mission now.” How did I forget about the mustache until 2 seconds before it happened? “She’s got the mustache now. *Kisses head* I love you” Oh my god Tootsie. I FORGOT ABOUT THE SECOND STACHE. There’s an ad right when we see Bug’s human form and I can’t even care because look at him! Ahhh. And the blue headband! Ahhhhh. Joey you’re so adorableeeee. “Bug? Well that’s a fine name.” His concerned face then the relief. Adorable. “Thank you sir. I am a tough bitch.” “Getting nothing but bug muff?!?” I love the slight delay the audience has before laughing as they realize what was just said. “Bug. You hard, ese. You flame.” I die. “Up there. In Space!” *dramatic pointing* No I totally didn’t just do the dramatic pointing with them... no that’s not in my muscle memory from 10 years ago... why would you think that. I’ll rave about Status Quo after it’s done. “But, what if I miss you?” Awwwwwwwww. And that “Just look up.” screenshot was used for “This.” memes in the fandom for years.

Oh Joey. Status Quo is such a good song too. And he really did improve as a singer to sing it. Earlier this week I remembered that this week is also the 10th anniversary of that time Darren was hopping from city to city every single day to promote the Warblers album. And at one point in that week he did a livestream that I remember rushing home to watch. In that livestream, I am 99% sure he sang Status Quo as a little sneak preview for Starship being released later that week. (Just checked, yep he sang it in a livestream on April 20 2011) God I love this song. Then the version the boys all sang for SPACE Tour was beyond beautiful too. Ahhh I love this musical.

Ok. It’s almost midnight. I started this 3 hours ago. I’m probably not finishing the show until 2am at the rate that I’m pausing and stopping to comment. But OH WELL.

“Dr. Spaceclaw” wow. “Leaving them behind was of little consequence, but a pleasure.” Oh Megagirl. “You did a very good job today too, son.” “*Gasp* Thanks dad.” That Star Wars fake-out though. Speaking of Star Wars, I really need to rewatch Ani now that I’m actively a Star Wars fan unlike last time when I still wasn’t invested in the movies I just watched them. How did I forget about Jaime playing Junior’s new mom?? ...Does Junior get an alien incubating in his chest... is that foreshadowing... I can’t remember. (This was like... half a foreshadow) This scene is funnier now that Breredith is married. The way Junior says “Phew” I’m dead. I remembered how they restrain MegaGirl once again 2 seconds before it happened oh my god. “We deserve bubbles on our skin.” An iconic line. “Well thank the long dead god you made it, Bug!”  The crunching of the handshake, I can’t. Oh someone in the comments pointed out that Bug and February are doing the Tarzan hand thing while Up’s asking Taz to see a movie. Adorable.

Get yourself a man like Tootsie who won’t stand for you talking down about yourself. “Maybe this was all part of God’s plan. He made before he died.” I love the dead god jokes. I remember years ago some kid on facebook was like “The dead god jokes are offensive” and I was like “It’s a sci-fi musical about a bug in a human body but sure worry about god being dead.” but probably in an even more immature answer. I’m just mesmerized by Tootsie and MegaGirl’s verses. God. The first Dylan and Meredith duet. Amazing. And MegaGirl’s confused face is great. “Don’t press that button, or we’ll all be sucked into space.” So... Can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Oh shoot... ok wait no I’ll comment on that when we get there. God that is such a cute love song. I wrote barely anything just because I love that song so much. Would love to know where Tootsie’s taking her though.

Oh my god this scene! I forgot about this. How could I forget this. “Well the world always looks a little bit brighter, from on top of a lap.” I had remembered Bug sitting on Up’s lap, but not Specs. This is the part I forgot. Adorable. Ahhhh so cute. The Specs/Krayonder relationship was apparently cut from the filmed version, but was present if you saw it live. These moments are adorable. And I love how this is the second person JoMo’s had to carry in this show since he also carried Denise earlier. “Why if it isn’t Bug, my oldest friend.” and “Don’t say that, my dear.” are adorable. Oh wait. Up sat on Bug’s lap. Not the other way around. Ok. I didn’t remember this scene as well as I thought I did. I’m dying. I didn’t want to write anything during this, but oh my god “That son of a bitch Optimus Prime” I forgot that. I love the audience’s reaction to “The entire right side of my body, it’s a robot” because they all gasp, and then laugh at themselves for gasping. I knew there was something he couldn’t do without crying. I didn’t remember it being “Sir I Wanna Buy These Shoes” Christmas Song. It’s ok Up, I haven’t listened to that song in full in years. I can’t handle it. But Christmas songs in general make me cry too. Oh Up said goddamn instead of deadgoddamn too. Hmm... Aww the mother spider story. “I think the old you was just killing out of hate.” “Oh I was.” I’m dying. Awwww the nose kiss. I definitely remembered that. “Deadgodspeed soldier!” The way Joey misses catching the keys and also Darren’s “Woo!” in the audience again. So great. That 12 minute scene is just adorable and the Up story is so dramatic and hilarious.

Hmm finishing before 2am might be ambitious... “Hahaha. Then I’ll shoot him!” “Taking care of my business down on the planet is that cool with you?” Brian’s delivery of that line has always intrigued me. “How much I care about my MegaGirl unit’s survival is also a percent equivalent to zero” Rude. “You are nothing like my boyfriend, Tootsie Noodles.” “Yes, well - wait WHAAA” This scene is so different now that they’re married. “Ha. Ha. It was cute.” “You’re... a toaster.” *Slaps* Ok 1) I used to use that insult all the time and only half ironically. I was a strange teenager. 2) She just hurt a human... isn’t that against programming, or can she just not kill humans? Evil angry Brolden is something we need more of. I love Brian as a villain. More please. “You stupid goddamn robot” So I guess they say goddamn and deadgoddamnit. I’m overthinking the evolution of language in this universe. Also Brian’s screams while being choked are amazing. I’ve never forgotten those, if anything they’re better now.

AHHHH I REFRESHED AND DELETED ALL OF MY STUFF FOR BEAUTY. Kill me. I’m so mad. Let me try to recreate it but I hate myself. I was saving this draft after every part but OF COURSE I don’t save after my favorite song and then refresh.

Oh poor Meredith. Her white wig doesn’t let her blend in as much when she’s in the hoodies playing a bug. “Oh hey Bugette, we’re just trying to get Bug laid!” That bug had to know about Bugette’s crush though? That’s just cruel. “The ending is killer” ruuuuuuddddddddddeee. I know I had at least one more point, but that’s lost to the ether. Beauty is probably my fave, if not tied with Life. When I was listening to it earlier, I was overcome with emotion because it’s just such a joyful song. These days I cry over happy stuff almost as much as I cry over the sad. And these lines just hit so hard... I love it. I love this song so much and this scene so much. “Bug. She excreted her filth for you. WE DID IT!!!!!!!!” Brant Cox is so good. It really is a shame he’s not in anything else besides AVPSY and the 10th Anniversary with everyone else. “I do accept you for who you really are. A genius.” Well February, you’ll be glad to know that you thought of that, so you’re the genius. Wow. Junior’s 25, Brian was 25, and now I’m 25. This really was perfect timing for the 10th anniversary. Also I do not feel 25. “Suck off!” amazing.

I’M SAVING THIS TIME.

Ok next part. Luckily I was only 1 minute into the next part when I refreshed. Still so mad at myself... “Someone really firetrucked up big time” (Dead)God I love that line. I also used firetruck unironically. Once again, I was a strange teenager and I didn’t like cursing and I still don’t. “This is so weird, I’m so used to the scrambly version.” (It was while writing this line the first time that I refreshed and lost Beauty....) Ok as I watch AJ, it’s hitting me that he almost definitely came to the set during rehearsals and filmed his part since it’s not a green screen like the rest of them. “The hunters have become the hunted, and it’s wabbit season.” “That was a good video, until the end when it got sad.” Thanks Bug. “I think, I just had a think” See February’s smart. “I’m in a weird situation” Love that line. “Bug is a BUG!? I DON’T BELIEVE IT” Oh Junior. Dylan’s insulted face at “I am not... a dumbass.”  So I can’t tell if Brian forgets he’s trapped when he moves his arms into a more relaxed position to lean on the column and then puts them back, or if it’s purposefully staged that way. Brian’s acting while he pretends to be shy and embarrassed about his evil plan is amazing and adorable. Brian has a good evil laugh, why don’t we get him as a villain more often? Also I was gonna make some sort of joke about Nick as Pincer’s left claw vs. Robert as Snarl’s left paw, but I’ll leave it be.

I FORGOT ABOUT THAT WEIGHT TAZ WAS LIFTING JUST FLOATING UP TO THE SKY WHEN SHE LETS GO. I just laughed out loud. “Damn that G.L.E.E. They’re always making twisted abominations of everything!!” I cannot handle it. And the wink. Poor Darren but also not poor Darren at all. I was just now WRACKING my mind for who could possibly be playing Pincer’s tail if JoMo was being devoured by mosquitos. It’s Brant. Literally the entire cast is currently onstage. Ok Krayonder’s been getting his blood drained for 3 minutes, why is he alive? OH I FORGOT KRAYONDER GETS UP AND SHOOTS THE BUGS. Ok and he gets chopped by Pincer’s claws too so HOW does he survive? StarKid answer!!! I forgot how dramatic this musical gets when you got both the bugs and MegaGirl coming after the humans. Aww the Vulcan salute from Specs. “I changed my name. To Tootsie... MegaGirl.” I love the reactions of the people in the audience who immediately realize what that means. I hear at least one “oh my god” that sounds like sobbing. Awwwww Tootsie’s “that’s real” speech and “I’d love you if you was the horse that ate my cousin.” (#3) just... get yourself a man like Tootsie MegaGirl. He is perfection. God the downloading love scene is so cute. I can’t handle it.

The Up saving Taz scene is so dramatic. Then Brian and Jim just calmly walk offstage. It kills me. Also why did Jaime just continue to lie there? “I just needed to learn how to kill with my heart.” Not exactly what Bug meant, but it works. God Taz climbing onto Up’s back is still the most hilarious thing ever. Whoever thought of her climbing that way was a genius. So funny. I always wanted to try it. Holding the gun up to her head like a blowdryer always gave me anxiety. Making the door out of a scrim that can be backlit was genius. Oof and bringing back “The needs of the many bugs outweigh the needs of the few bugs. Or the one bug.” just hurts. Poor Bug. My heart. This is probably the line that sticks with me to this day and I do think about sometimes.

Ok it’s now 2am and I still have 2 more parts.

I sorta love that Joey didn’t have the time to change into his blacks so he’s still in the Starship Ranger suit while playing the Bug puppet. “Save the Overqueen. I love her.” Awww. “Roach, I’m gonna get the job done if it’s the second last thing I do.” Love it. That Kick It Up A Notch Reprise though. Brian, you should play villains more often. Also remember all of us being like “LUPIN CAN SING?!?!?!??!!” “Lucky for me, God is dead. When you see him in hell, tell him Junior sent you.” Deadgod I love that line. This whole deadgod thing was just leading up to that amazing line. Oh no Bugette! Bug saying “maestro” oh my god. “DFSDSJFDSJKFDS... I’m dead.” I forgot that part! Oh my god the way Brian flicks the glasses back down on his face. Ok so I saw Lauren wiggle her way behind the mucus sac, but I didn’t see Nick come onstage. I rewinded, and I guess the zoom in shots on Brian and Joey were timed so we can’t see Nick join Lauren to be the first larva to come out. Oh well. And I love the crowd cheering as Junior dies. “And bingo was his name-o” That callback though. I forgot that the Overqueen eats Bugette’s body while crying. “Or Bugette! Oh...” Also god Roach is adorable.

Last part. 2:21am. Here we go. Krayonder got his blood sucked out by giant mosquitos and was cut up by a giant scorpion, but all he needs is a bandage around his head. Awwww the soft “I Wanna Be” playing the background as Bug begs the team to accept his bug form. Bug being so mad “It’s that bastard Pincer isn’t it?” and then being so happy that Joey does the little nose scrunch thing. So cute. JOEY’S FACE WHEN DENISE KISSES THE BUG PUPPET. Cannot believe I forgot that until 2 seconds before it happened too. “I now pronounce you man vs. machine. Fight!” WOAH. Why in the WORLD did “eep op ork ahah” come back to me. I was able to say it WITH Joey. That was straight from the DEPTHS of my teenage brain oh my god. I forgot about that oh my GOD. THAT’S INSANE. I FORGOT SO MUCH STUFF BUT I REMEMBERED HOW TO SAY “I LOVE YOU” IN BUG.

And the Beauty reprise.

God I love this musical. It’s still my fave StarKid show I think. And I’m horrified to see that it has only 500K views for the last part, so only 500K people have watched it all the way through after 10 years. That’s disgraceful. It’s amazing. Watch Starship.

It is 2:32am. I started at 8:50pm. Got sidetracked when I had to rewatch the Beauty part of Act 2 again to make sure I got my notes back in the post. Took a few bathroom breaks. But this is mostly because I paused every like 10 seconds to make a comment, so it took 5 and a half hours to watch a 3 hour musical. This why I take forever to watch things while liveblogging. I take too long to writing notes.

I’ll probably just post this in the morning. Gotta proofread for mistakes before posting.

Ok it’s the next afternoon. This post is literally 5,000+ words and takes 20 minutes to read according to a online word counter. I’m sorry to whoever read this entire thing. Your reward is the pictures of the Starship plushies I crocheted when I was 15 and 16.

(Ignore the bad lighting and my horribly chipped paint. That’s the only picture I have of the Bugette one since I gave it to Lauren Lopez a day later. I started making another for myself shortly after but never finished. Maybe I should finally finish the second one... hmm...)

[365days365movies]

March 7, 2021: Onward (2020) (Part One)

Finding Nemo.

That’s my favorite Pixar film. Real talk, no arguments, and today’s movie? NOT dethroning it. This movie is so hard-wired into my brain, that the second I typed the words of the title, the theme song ran through my head, where it lives rent-free. It will be a cold day when I don’t find an excuse to shout “NEMOOOO!!!! I HAVE TO FIND MY SON!!” at any opportune moment. I will never stop swimming. Whenever I catch a Chinchou or Lanturn in a Pokémon game, I name it “Goodfeeling’sgone”.

SHARK BAIT OOH HA HA

YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THE DEPTHS OF MY LOVE FOR THIS MOVIE.

...Ahem. So, yeah, I love FInding Nemo. For the record, the sequel ain’t bad. And also for the record, there’s only one Pixar movie that I consider to be bad, and it’s the one you’d think. You know, the one about ageism. The one where somebody dies by torture? The bad spy movie?

...the second one about cars?

Which means, YES. I DON’T THINK The Good Dinosaur IS THAT BAD! Not exactly good, but its gorgeous, and just kinda boring, not outright terrible. That Styracosaurus, though...that dude is great.

Anyway, off of Pixar for a sec, huh? What about fantasy? I’m a big tabletop RPG nerd, and I’m currently the GM for a Pathfinder campaign, a Pokémon RPG, and a Mutants and Masterminds game, while also playing in a Pathfinder game as well. Yeah, I’m a busy dewd. But what I’m saying is, this movie should be preaching to the choir for me. I’m a Pixar lover who plays RPGs. I’m ready for this. I’m ready for CGI Bright. Which is another way of saying, I’m ready for a version of Bright that doesn’t suck.

So, why haven’t I seen it until now? I mean...COVID-19. This film got FUCKED. But, no matter! It’s on Disney Plus, I’ve got Disney Plus, so let’s get this baby STARTED! Let’s get updated on some Pixar! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap (1/2)

OK, immediately digging the soundtrack over the Disney logo as we jump in here! Very ethereal, very fantasy, very LotR, I LIKE it, I LIKE it! And then...long ago, the world was full of wonder!

We get a view of the world of olde, with magic and many mystical, mythical creatures living together and adventuring. However, as magic wasn’t the easiest thing in the world to use, it eventually gave way to technology, fading away in a world now very similar to ours.

Basically, it’s about the same as our world, except for a few different races, and the fact that dragons are basically dogs, and unicorns are basically raccoons, which is fuckin’ fantastic.

We enter the home of teenage elf Ian Lightfoot (Tom Holland) and introverted now-16-year-old who lives with his mother, Laurel (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) and his older brother Barley (Chris Pratt). Barley’s a tabletop RPG nerd who’s also a fan of the magical past. Said obsessions cause a strain on his relationship with Ian, and with that of his mother’s boyfriend, centaur policeman Colt Bronco (Mel Rodriguez).

After a discussion about Barley’s recent attempt to protect an old magical monument from destruction, he accidentally damages the sweatshirt that Ian is wearing, which was owned by their late father, Wilder. Ian rushes out, flustered, despite Barley’s attempts to bond with him. Well, looks like we have a sense of the plot for this one.

On his way to school, Barley stops to get some food when he meets Gaxton (Wilmer Valderrama), an old college friend of his father’s. From Gaxton, he learns things about his father that he never knew, like that he was bold and standout. From there, Barely pledges to try and be more self-confident, like his father.

Whiiiiiiich, doesn’t exactly work once he gets to school. He fails to stand-up to a jerky guy at school, he fails in his driving class, and he fails to ask other high school kids to his birthday party. But to be fair, Barley helps a bit with that last one when he shows up with Guinevere, his busted-ass van with a unicorn painted on the side. Which is supposed to be uncool...but I kinda dig it, not gonna lie.

After that, Ian completely flubs the invitation bit, confusing the people he was talking to, and disappointing himself in the process. He gets a ride home with Barley, and goes home to talk to a tape recording of his dad. Which is...beautifully sad, and somehow very easy to identify with. So, yeah, it’s gonna be that kind of Pixar movie.

Ian talks to his mom about his father at his age, asking if he was ever unsure. She says yes, but couples this with a surprise: a gift from his late father, who died of a terminal illness shortly after Ian’s birth. The gift is for both Ian and Barley, and was meant to be opened when they were both over 16.

She gets it from the attic, and they unwrap it, where it’s revealed to be a wizard’s staff. Which is weird, because Wilder was an accountant. In a pocket of the wrapping cloth, there’s a letter written by Wilder with the narration from the beginning of the film (that “Long ago” bit).

Also included is a spell, written by Wilder so that he could see who his sons grew up to be. This “Visitation Spell” would appear to be a way to bring Wilder back for 24 hours. Barley, being the magic-lover that he is, tries multiple times to cast the spell with the staff, but fails to do so, much to his and Ian’s great disappointment.

However, when Ian tries to read the spell out of curiosity later, the staff begins to react, and the spell begins to work. Barley comes in as this is happening, and the spell works...halfway. It starts to fail, and Barley offers to help, but Ian pulls the staff away, and the spell stops as the Phoenix crystal inside it shatters.

Looks like another bust, but it’s not a complete failure. And if you’ve seen literally any trailer for this movie, you know what happens.

Although it’s just his legs and feet, it’s still Wilden Lightfoot (Kyle Bornheimer...technically). The boys decide to try and complete the spell, but need another Phoenix Gem to do so. According to Barley’s “historically accurate” TTRPG, Quests of Lore, they will be able to find one by accepting a quest from the place where all quests start: the Manticore’s Tavern. And so, the quest begins!

The brothers and their half-dad board Guinevere and drive to the Manticore’s Tavern. On the way, Barley convinces Ian to practice some spells from the games rulebook, but they don’t work because Ian’s not invoking his passion (or his “heart’s fire”, as Barley calls it). Meanwhile, Laurel figures out where they’re headed, but doesn’t know exactly why...yet.

After the journey, they make it to the Manticore’s Tavern, which is now essentially a themed Chuck E. Cheese’s restaurant, owned and managed by Corey (Octavia Spencer), a very overworked manticore. Which is pretty great, not gonna lie.

They try to get the actual map to the Phoenix’s Gem from her in order to conjure their Dad, but she no longer sends adventurers on dangerous quests, mostly because she doesn’t want to get sued by any injured adventurers. When Ian argues with her about this, she IMMEDIATELY DIVES INTO AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS/MID LIFE CRISIS!

It’s, uh...it’s kind of amazing. Having completely lost it at this point, she basically tears down the entire building with her bare hands and fire-breath. Unfortunately, the map to the Phoenix Gem is burnt in the process of Corey’s literal meltdown. However, as Wilden’s about to be crushed by a couple of falling beams, Ian taps into his heart’s fire.

Nice. They get out of there, and head out for the Gem, using a child’s placemat replica of the real map to make their way to a place called Raven’s Point. However, rather than just follow the goddamn map, Barley decides to go on much more dangerous road known as the “Path of Peril”, once again following the “call of adventure” and his gut.

Which...yeah, Barley’s not really considering the reality of this whole situation, which fits his personality. He’s a dreamer, despite the rational and reasonable solution in front of him. And, in case you weren’t sure, I’m pretty sure that isn’t a good thing.

Ian points out the correct point that what actually matters is that they send enough time with their father, and they do indeed take the straightforward path. Good! Barley listened to Ian’s suggestion after all. However, they hit another snag when the car breaks down, completely out of gas. Problem.

Meanwhile, Laurel makes her way to the Manticore’s place, only to find it on fire! She meets Corey, who tells her that she’s met her boys, and told them about everything...except the curse. Also, there’s a curse. Laurel, who is the best movie Mom ever, tricks a policeman interviewing Corey to diverting his attention away from her, and smuggles her into her car to help find (and maybe rescue) her sons. 

Stuck off the freeway without gas, a desperate Ian asks Barley if there are any spells that can get them more gas. They concoct a plan involving a shrinking and growing spell, but that immediately goes wrong as Barley tries to instruct Ian, only frustrating him further, and causing him to fumble the spell and hit Barley with it, making him tiny. 

They decide to head to a gas station, where a group of pixie bikers has just arrived. This backfires when Barley, lacking basically any common sense, ends up insulting the biker leader, Dewdrop (Grey Griffin) and her ancestors. Nice one, Barley. As they escape from the pissed off pixies, the tiny Barley is unable to drive, forcing the driver’s anxiety-riddled Ian to drive, overcoming his fears from earlier by force, being chased by the pixies all the way. It’s a pretty good sequence, to be honest.

Well, they escape the Pixies...but not the cops. And I think that’ll be a good place to pick up in the next part! See you there!

[justmelagain]

I feel like absolute SHIT. I'm in the midst of a MASSIVE flare atm due to no longer having insurance & unemployment & effectively out of even the most basic of meds, not to mention RXs that really, REALLY made a huge difference. But this isn't my main issue today.

Scrappy. Scrappy-Doo. Scrapadoodle. Scraps. A neighborhood stray cat since at least 2012. He got his name from the way he used to fight with anything & anybody. He created a litter with a feral girl in late 2019. 3 babies, only 1 has survived up until now. My stepdad, Bud, started feeding Scrappy right after we noticed the babies to get him to hang around our house more. He instantly became a lovebug! Bud took him to get fixed January 2020 before the planet went into meltdown. Scrappy got meals, treats, pets, brushings, love, a comfy bed in the garage...& a family that loved him finally. Probably the absolute BEST year of his entire life! But we'd noticed early on that he had respiratory issues. In fact, I'm pretty certain he actually had congestive heart failure. 2 of my cats have it & he sounded exactly like they do. We knew too that it was just a matter of time.

Now, it wasn't all roses with Scrappy here! Our 2 indoor/outdoor cats had to basically become indoor cats because he would attack them for invading HIS new territory. They were terrified of him! Also I get great pleasure feeding the crows & squirrels every day. Scrappy killed one of my squirrels a few months ago & it bothered me a lot. Then last weekend he killed another one & it just tore me up! One that I'd been getting really close to. And I was very angry at Scrappy! So much so that I've basically ignored him ever since. But I also had a lot of regret too because it was my fault for trying to tame the little squirrel so he'd eat out of my hand.

This picture is from Tuesday night. Bud was getting ready to go play softball & Scrappy wanted to go with him apparently.

Scrappy took a dark turn overnight though. At 6 am, Bud brought him in the house all wrapped up in his favorite binky that I'd gotten him for Xmas. He was having a horrible time trying to breathe. Bud tried calling a couple of the local vets. First one said they were booked up today. The second one wasn't open yet so he then decided to quit wasting time on the phone & just cuddled with him on the bed, brushing him.

He took his last breath a little after 8 am. Bud buried him in the backyard in his binky with several of the other babies lost over the years. And all damn day all I could think about was his last few days I ignored him. And he definitely knew it too. And I hate myself. I am so very sorry, baby boy!!

*RIL SCRAPPY*

2/24/21

[flyinghome-againstthewind]

the best by far is you: chapter 7

Read on AO3

Previous Chapter

For all the things my hands have held The best by far is you -  Cecilia and the satellite

------------

Summary: An exploration of Claire & Jamie’s story if their firstborn had lived and they had the chance to be parents together of wee Faith Fraser before the battle of Culloden.

Chapter 7

As the news of the declaration with Jamie’s forged signature settled in, the very air within the house became too stifling. Jamie stepped out during a somber lull in conversation, everyone trying to process what it would mean. He walked without a destination in mind, coming to rest atop a hill and clear his head, make a plan. He heard the rustle of Claire’s skirts and the slosh of her steps on wet ground before he glanced behind to greet her.  

“It’s all coming to pass, isn’t it? The Jacobite rising, Culloden, the clearances...” Her gaze swept out over the spread of Lallybroch land before them. “The destruction of all of this,” she said bitterly.  

The silent acknowledgment of their failure roiled in his gut. They’d done everything they could, and yet…

“So it would seem.” 

Claire moved to sit on the fallen tree before him. “We could go to Ireland,” she pleaded desperately, “or the colonies.” 

“Wi’ a small bairn in tow? Fergus might tolerate it, but it’d be a terribly hard life to subject both o’ them to. And what of Ian and Jenny? Our nieces, nephew, cousins?”

“We can bring them with us.”

“All o’ them?” He smiled sadly at the thought. At the impossibility of it all. His heart ached at the sight of her unbridled fear, etched there in her face for him to see. But they must consider everyone that would be impacted by their decision before they made it. Because no matter what, there was no easy answer. “And what of our tenants? Leave them to the‒ the mercy of the British butchers if Culloden is lost?” 

“Your name on that document brands you as a traitor to the British. And you will be hung as one if they catch you. We  can’t stay.” Her gaze was fierce and unflinching. He knew she saw the horrors of this history playing out before her, but with names and faces now to put to the images of this war. His name, in particular. His face. That was her burden of such knowledge.

“We know what will happen if the Jacobites lose the war. But… but what if they win?”

“They don’t. It’s the verdict of history.”

“Have you given up trying to change the future then, Sassenach?”  

“Well, after Paris, haven’t you?” 

“Aye, Paris was bitter disappointment. But you can change the future. You’ve proven that. Tammas Baxter lives because of you. Paris was spared an outbreak of smallpox because of you.” He knelt in front of her and covered her cold hands with his own, infusing warmth there with his touch. “And Louise de Rohan bore Charles Stuart’s bairn because of you. And we have a bairn who was born in this time, so sickly and small, and she is still alive because of you. She’s our proof that you and I belong as one, that you were meant to be in this time though you were born nearly two hundred years from now.” 

Claire shook her head at him slightly. He knew. This was no small thing to try and change. “You want to fight for Prince Charles?”

“I want to fight for our family. And for Scotland.” He rose to his feet, watching Claire carefully for her reaction. “What happens next will impact Faith’s future and if we dinna have a hand in trying to steer it the right way… if we dinna even try…” He shook his head. “I canna see any other way. Can you?”

“Not one that we could live with,” she said at last. He let out a resigned sigh at that. “They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”

“Well, I dinna ken who they are, Sassenach.” He’d noticed the few tears that had spilled down her face and gently brushed them away. Pulling her to her feet, his hands settled firmly on her hips. “But I’ll wager they have never traveled through time.”    

Their foreheads met briefly before he pressed a kiss to hers and pulled her in closer, holding her tight. “I ken I’m asking the impossible of you, mo nighean donn.” When she squeezed him tighter, he knew she understood he wasn’t talking about their mission, but of Faith. “She’ll be safe here wi’ family that loves her.” He kissed her shoulder through the layers of her dress and wrap. “Until we can return to her.”  

   The news spread quickly through Lallybroch. The men began to prepare, and their peaceful summer came to an abrupt end. The farmhouse thrummed with activity, and equipment and provisions piled in the hallways and corners of rooms as they packed and took stock. 

It was all happening so fast. The letter had arrived only days ago and Claire, Jamie, and the men would all head out tomorrow morning. Claire found Fergus standing at the edge of the parlor watching Jamie and Murtagh as they packed some crates at the dining table, plotting out loud with each other the whole time. 

She felt a sharp twinge at the thought of Fergus being separated from Jamie for any length of time. The boy’s back was to her, his expression thus obscured from her, but she was certain he must be measuring the moments as she was while they were all still here together. 

She came up behind him and looped her arms around his shoulders, pulling him back against her. He went willingly as he sighed and leaned his head back against her shoulder. He’d gotten so tall. When had that happened?

“No matter what comes, you know this is your family, don’t you? That you belong with us?” She and Jamie had spent yesterday with Jenny and Ian, discussing care for the children and the contingency plans no parent ever wanted to make. But they had Fergus and Faith, and it would’ve been irresponsible not to consider all the alternatives and what they would mean for them.

Fergus’s hands came up to hold onto her arms where they were clasped around him. “I know.” His tone was unreadable, but then they were all feeling a maelstrom of emotions these last few days. 

She pressed a loud, smacking kiss to his cheek, not caring if it embarrassed him. “Good. Because we love you.” Since Faith, those words slipped out more frequently for her children ‒ an intentional effort on her part. She never wanted there to be any doubt for them, especially with war looming ahead of them. Claire kissed his cheek again, felt him exhale a small laugh this time. “I love you.” 

“I know, Milady. Je t'aime aussi.” 

She squeezed him tight for a moment, burying her face in his curls. Words jumped to her tongue but she swallowed them back, not wanting to lay such a burden on his young shoulders. But they echoed in her mind just the same, a silent wish made to the universe and any higher power that might help.  

If something happens to us, would you make sure Faith knows, too?   

  “No!” Faith cried, fat tears rolling down her flushed face. She tried to roll off the chair away from Jamie, escaping from the linen clout he was trying to fasten around her. 

“Faith. Mo nighean. Please.” He caught her around her waist and hauled her back, but she kicked her legs wildly and screeched. He forgot about the clout for a moment and pulled her to his chest. “What’s wrong? You’re breaking my heart, Faith. I hate tae see ye so.” 

“Is she alright?” Claire called out from their bed. 

“She’s no’ hurt,” he assured her quickly. “Just upset about something.” 

Faith stopped fighting him, but she still cried into his ear, loud wails accompanied by the hot tears soaking into his shoulder. She had worked herself up to the point that her whole body felt hot and sweaty from her effort, even through the thin fabric of her nightgown. 

“Na gabh dragh. Tha mi an seo,” he murmured gently against her sweaty head. Don’t worry. I’m here. Forgoing on the fresh clout for the moment, he stood and grabbed his plaid to wrap around them. He met Claire’s gaze where she was still sitting up in bed. “It’s alright, Sassenach. Go back to sleep. I’ll walk wi’ her until she calms down.” 

She seemed loath to accept his suggestion and he didn’t blame her. Their hours with Faith were numbered before their departure in the morning and neither one wanted those hours to go to waste. 

Even sleep seemed a fickle thing to do when that time could be spent memorizing every detail of their baby. The fine, silky strands of her copper hair just long enough now that it had begun to curl around her ears and at the nape of her neck. The way her nose crinkled when she laughed. The way her smile showed off four perfect, tiny teeth. Her eyes with electric blue towards the center and that darker ring of blue around the edges, just like Claire. The more she grew and lost the round features of infancy, the more Jamie saw of his wife in her.  

He reached the doorway and glanced back, seeing Claire’s reluctant collapse back against her pillow.

“Tha gaol agam ort, a Creideamh,” he murmured as he walked the length of the upper hallway with Faith, not hearing the stir of any other members of the house. He thought of Jenny and Ian with their wee bairns requiring so much of them at these stages, and how they would have to be the ones to soothe Faith on the nights she couldn’t sleep. How would Faith handle that? What would she understand of why he and Claire weren’t there for her? 

Faith’s fervent cries filled the otherwise silent house, echoing through the open space above the parlor as he carried her down the stairs. 

“Dinna weep, mo chridhe. Here, let’s tend to the fire, aye? Before it goes out.” 

Faith hiccuped and fell into a rhythmic cry, having cried too hard to get her breathing under control. From her perch on Jamie’s knee, she seemed entranced by the fire as he tended to it. 

“There, mo nighean, it’s alright.” His thumb wiped at her wet cheeks and then he used the edge of his plaid to wipe her nose. “My bonny wee lass.” He leaned in to kiss her cheek, which broke the spell. Her little hands reached up and grabbed hold of his shirt at the collar, trying to get closer to him, and her whining started again. 

“Oh, there now.” He stood and held Faith flush against him, her head resting over his heart. “Dinna weep. I’m here. I’ve got you.” 

When he realized it was his closeness she wanted, he abandoned his plan to walk the quiet, empty rooms of Lallybroch and instead settled there on the sofa with her. “Ye ken somehow, aye? Ye’re a smart lass, and ye can tell something is changing.” He sighed heavily, his hand moving in slow circles over Faith’s back. “That’s alright. I’ve been meaning to talk to ye about it.” 

Her dimpled hand rested on the other side of his chest and he reached for it, brought it to his lips for a kiss. “Ye see, yer mam and I are leaving for Beauly in the morning and from there, onward toward Crieff. Ye dinna ken where either of those places are, I suppose. But all that will matter to ye is that we’re no’ here.” He breathed in sharply, fighting the urge to cry, though one rogue tear spilled down his cheek. “I need ye to ken that you are loved beyond measure. Our flesh and blood. Heart and soul.” He swallowed roughly and bent to kiss the top of Faith’s head, needing a moment. 

“Everything yer mam and I do is for you and Fergus. For your futures. That’s why we’re going, but make no mistake, our hearts stay behind with you.” 

Faith snuffled quietly, still overtaken every now and then by a powerful hiccup, but she was otherwise silent as Jamie spoke, listening to his voice. 

He drew in a measured breath and let it out slow. “I‒” He swallowed roughly again. “I dinna like tae think about it, but I ken you’ll understand this when ye have yer own bairns someday… Ye canna help but think about all that could go wrong. And I dinna plan to not return to ye, ken? But some things ye canna plan for. And just in case…” His hand had come to rest over her head, holding her there, and kissed her hair again. “I want to tell ye some things, in case I’m‒ in case I’m no’ around to tell ye later. 

“First, mind yer aunt Jenny while we’re away. I ken you and Uncle Ian get along just fine, so I’m no’ worried there, but ye have the Fraser temper, I’m sorry to say. Ye might want to butt heids wi’ her, but she is your aunt and ye must mind her. She can be tough, but she loves ye. 

“This next bit willna be a concern o’ yours for a long time, but it is verra important: dinna ever let a man hold yer heart if he’s no’ worthy of it. He should treasure you, Faith, and respect you. Should admire yer mind and yer heart more than yer beauty. Oh lord.” He pressed his thumb and index finger hard against his closed eyes. “Please, please, dinna fall in love wi’ some clot-heid idiot. I couldna take it. A good man, Faith, aye? D’ye promise?” 

She hadn’t fallen asleep, but she didn’t respond either. He softly stroked her hair. “Aye,” he murmured. “I want a love for you as great as the love I have wi’ yer mam.” He sighed deeply. “I hope to god I’m here to judge him, whoever that man is, but if I’m no’ here, I want yer uncle Ian to give his blessing before ye wed. He’s… he’s the best man I ken, Ian is. And a good da. So he’ll be a good judge for ye. Fergus, too. I suppose by then, Fergus would be auld enough to give his blessing. Aye, now that I think of it, ye need both their blessings or no marriage, Faith.” He considered this for a moment and then added, “Murtagh, too, if he’s still around when the time comes. Aye, if a man can earn the blessing of those three, I shall no’ worry overmuch about it, for I’ll ken he must be a good man after all.  

“And yer mam… I wish I didna need her to come wi’ me. Truly. But she taught me long ago ‒ before ye were even born ‒ that bad things happen when we’re apart. She kens the future and what will come of this war. That’s vital information.” His fingers gently tucked her red, wispy curls behind her ear. “And you and I both ken what a fine healer she is, aye? Neither of us would be here wi’out her. 

“But even though I’m taking her wi’ me, I swear on the cross of our Lord Jesus that I will see her safely home to you. I dinna ken what’s to come, but I ken I willna let anything happen to her. She needs ye and you need her, aye? So I ken all of this that I’ve said to you will be relayed even if I’m gone, because she’ll be here and she knows my heart. 

“You’re so like her already, Faith. I ken you will be smart and brave and so kind.” He chuckled suddenly, despite himself. “Maybe ye’ll be a healer, too? Though it doesna matter what ye do, Faith, I’ll always be so proud I could burst. Aye, I’ve been trying to reconcile the fact that I‒” He cleared his throat and felt the burn of tears once again. “Christ,” he muttered hoarsely. “That I might no’ see ye grow up. I might no’ see what you become, but even as ye are now, so small… just a bairn still… I love ye for who ye are, Faith. 

“I dinna want tae leave ye,” he reminded the baby. “I say all o’ this just in case it’s needed. And I need ye tae ken that if… if I dinna return, if all that remains of me is the life of you that I helped bring into this world…” He kissed her head and then rested his cheek there. “Then I should be well pleased with my time on this earth.”    

He heard a sound like a choked whine, but it came from above them. His eyes flew up and there was Claire at the wooden banister, watching them with one hand clamped over her mouth to cover the sobs that shook her. Oh, his wife. His heart. How long had she listened to his goodbye? 

He secured Faith against him and was off the sofa and up the stairs as fast as he could manage. She was crumbling right in front of him and he pulled her to him. She cried into his chest once his arms were about her, no longer able to keep the sobs at bay. He held them both, Faith half-sandwiched between them. 

He'd only heard those gut-wrenching sobs from Claire a few times in his life, and they made his stomach drop. “Claire,” he choked out, his mouth pressed tightly against her skull. There was another option. One they’d refused to discuss. “You could stay.” 

She sobbed harder and shook her head. 

No. They both knew she couldn’t stay. It didn’t mean it wasn’t tearing their very hearts out of their chests in the process. 

“I don’t want to lose this,” she uttered between sobs. 

Faith howled into Jamie’s chest, upset further by the sight of her mother’s distress.  

He breathed in sharply, holding both pieces of his heart tight against him, already feeling torn to shreds. He didn’t have an answer for their problem or a balm for the pain. All he had at that moment was a silent, fervent prayer: Lord, that they would both be kept safe...  

  With the morning came their brave faces back in place once more. Claire kept Faith anchored on her hip as they said their goodbyes to the Murray children inside and then as they oversaw the last of their things packed into the wagon for Murtagh to bring to Kingussie. 

None of it felt quite real to Claire, like a bad dream she just couldn’t wake from. That she would have to part with her daughter for an indeterminate amount of time was unthinkable. 

She kept Faith in her arms, refusing to let her down even when the baby signaled that she wanted to walk on her own. She bounced her until the fidgeting stopped and Faith settled again. 

And as they stood in the courtyard, horses saddled and wagon packed and final goodbyes being given, Claire felt the panic clawing its way up her throat. She strode a few steps away from the others and shifted Faith in front of her so she could look at her. She knew she must say something, but nothing seemed sufficient.

 The sun caught in Faith’s bright copper hair, shining a brilliant gold and red. “Forgot to grab your bonnet,” she muttered stupidly, her hand smoothing over the girl’s silky hair. Her eyes met Faith’s, a mirror copy of her own. Claire drew in a sharp breath and let it out slow. 

“It’s not fair to you. Your da and I are the ones who know and love you best.” Once the words were out, she felt the crushing weight of them and couldn’t say more. Instead, she kissed Faith’s forehead, her snubbed nose, her round cheek, her neck which was sticky with sweat. She buried her nose there, the scent so familiar and only definable as belonging to Faith. 

She felt her girl’s head turn and rest against her shoulder. Little fingers curled around the fabric of Claire’s wrap where it bunched at her neck and held on tight. Faith was content at last to be in her mother’s arms now that they were just about leaving. A tear spilled down Claire’s nose and onto the shoulder of her daughter’s dress. 

She didn’t have Jamie’s easy way of showing her heart through speech, but she loved this child with everything that was in her and words didn’t seem to cover the breadth of that love. Not even by half. So she hoped to convey to her baby in these last moments, in the caressing touches, that Faith was the axis on which her whole world spun. She could do anything ‒ even brave this time apart ‒ if it meant her girl would have a future.  

She spotted Ian after a time, waiting to say goodbye to her. He gave her a sad smile and after they’d embraced, he made no move to take Faith from her. They exchanged a few words and watched Jenny and Jamie say their goodbye to each other. 

“Just where do ye think ye’re going?” Murtagh’s voice rang out sharply in the courtyard and Claire turned to see the object of his question ‒ Fergus, on his own mule, packed and ready to go. 

“Well, with Milord,” Fergus said, as if this was obvious. 

“You’re too young to fight, laddie.” Ian chuckled at him. “Ye’ll bide here wi’ us.” 

“That’s right,” Jenny added, her hands on her hips as she walked towards him with the others. “We’re charged with your care and safekeeping ‘til Milord returns.” 

“But I belong with you.” The boy implored to Claire, ignoring Ian and Jenny. “Is that not what you told me, Milady? That I will always have a home with you?” 

Those certainly had been her words, but it was a cruel trick to twist those on her now. She was already drowning and hadn’t even said her goodbye to him yet.

“Yes, of course,” Claire began gently. “But sometimes it’s‒”

“He’s right.” Jamie cut in. Claire turned baffled eyes on her husband. This was a ten-year-old they were talking about, was it not? “His place is no’ here without us, nor in France on his own.” 

Fergus looked very pleased atop his mule as Jamie addressed him, doling out his orders. His own little soldier. Claire adjusted her hold on Faith, her arms feeling the fatigue of carrying her for so long. She hardly had time to process that Jamie was bringing their ten-year-old to war before the moment she’d been dreading had finally arrived.

“It’s time, sister dear.” Jenny was at her side, one hand on Faith’s back and the other on Claire’s. 

No. Not yet.

Her arms held tight to Faith, unwilling to relinquish her just yet. Though when would she ever be ready? 

“I ken, Claire.” Jenny’s voice was soft, in a tone usually reserved for comforting her children. “I ken. I’m so sorry.” 

She nodded curtly at Jenny to show that she understood before burying her face in Faith’s neck again. Her heart felt like it was being squeezed in a vice grip. But she didn’t cry. She wouldn’t. Not after she’d scared Faith half to death last night with her hysterical sobbing. 

Claire turned around, struck with the sudden, horrible thought that she’d hogged Faith all morning from her father and here they were, about to leave, and he hadn’t so much as held her once yet. He was watching her, of course, from his spot where their horses were saddled and waiting. His look conveyed only a deep tenderness and understanding towards her pain. Their pain. No exchange of words was needed; she could surrender Faith to Jamie and no one else. Otherwise, she’d never leave here. In a few strides, he had closed the distance between them and kissed her temple. 

“Take yer time, mo ghraidh,” he murmured. 

But they didn’t have time. Not really.

Her eyes slammed shut, fighting off the pressure of hot tears springing to her eyes. With Jamie right in front of her to bolster her, she drew in a steadying breath. She opened her eyes for one last, long look at her daughter. “Oh, my beautiful girl,” she breathed out. Her finger traced the soft outline of her baby’s face and the shell of her ear. “It’s not goodbye forever, just for now. I love you.” She sealed her words with one more kiss to Faith’s cheek and quickly transferred the girl to Jamie’s waiting arms. 

She met his gaze only for a moment. He gave her a tight smile and a short nod, and she left him to his goodbye. Wiping furiously at the tracks of her tears, she strode half-blindly towards her horse and there she remained, petting his neck, until she felt Jamie again at her side. 

But before he helped her onto her horse, he took her in his arms. His embrace was strong and fierce, and it held her together when she thought she might fall apart. A comforting touch before the long ride ahead of them. 

Then the moment ended and Jamie helped her mount the horse before quickly springing up into the saddle of his own. She gave him a quick nod in answer to his silent question and they rode off through the gates of Lallybroch, Claire never looking back. 

[fisherfurbearer]

Sad times today. Rupert is going to the vet to be put to sleep.

I love him so much, I cried a lot last night over this. I've been bracing myself for this day for weeks. He's been slowing down a lot, he can't climb like the others, there's something wrong with his lower half that he can't lift himself and walk properly. He can only drag himself around, and while he does get around pretty fast and still enjoys digging around, eating treats, and snuggling with Lisp and Java...he's getting to the point where he can't clean his rear end, and is starting to smell from dragging himself in urine...no matter how much I clean their bedding, because he can't lift himself up, he pees on himself, and it can't be hygenic or okay...

I don't really know what else to say.

I know I made a big song and dance over how much I really really wanted rats, building this huge over-the-top ridiculous enclosure for them, planning so far ahead and going overboard (AS PER USUAL, RIGHT?) and thinking I was doing a good job because I researched for so long, thinking I thought of everything...but then the fire happened and the enclosure was halfway done (top two parts weren't finished, bottom 4'x2'x2.5' one was so the baby boys lived there) and I lost so much motivation and time to work on it...we had to move around a lot and then landlord (Jessie's parents actually) said they had to live in the (unfinished) basement because the upstairs was carpeted. Turns out the basement fucking floods when it rains, and it got so hard for me to care for them down there, not seeing them all the time like when they used to be right in our bedroom, it just...fucked up so much.

Lost Python to a horrible URI and overall failure to thrive. It was awful. I spent so many hours over so many days syringe feeding him food and water, he would perk up and have energy, then crash before we could call the vet, perk up so we'd keep going hoping he'd be ok, then crash, repeat...eventually he passed away on his own. It was awful. Lisp and Java and Rupert and Squealch (whom I adopted from a coworker before things got really bad, they ended up living in a seperate enclosure because Squealch was very rat aggressive) were all good but. Anyone who has had rats knows they're the most heartbreaking pets you can own and I should've fucking listened.

I never stopped loving them, but it was hard. Losing Python, feeling so hopeless, not having the energy to finish the rest of the enclosure (no point really, since I only had Java and Lisp left there, and Rupert and Squealch had their own space almost as big as theirs) But eventually I convinced everyone to let me move them upstairs, after our one roommate moved out and we had a spare bedroom. Things got a lot better for a while. This was mid-pandemic though, before I got the unemployment money, so finances were tight. The rats all seemed to perk up being closer to us and with more attention, and things were ok for a while. Then Squealch developed a tumor on his side...I had no money to take him in. I thought I was keeping a good eye on it, but he's so shy that he wouldn't come out all the way to see me when I'd check on them. I thought he was okay for a while but then very suddenly he developed a tumor on his face, his eye looked horrific, he was losing weight quickly. He was oldish? About 2.5 years old. But dammit I just. Wish I had taken him in sooner. I wish I had instead of letting him get this bad. Whatever. He was PTS a day or two after we noticed the face lump, now that I had money I could take care of him. I just wish he didn't suffer like he did.

Rupert is as old as Squealch, so he's more like. 2.75 years old, I guess. This is just his time, now.

It hurts so bad because...Python and Squealch weren't the nicest rats, no matter what we did. But Rupert is such a sweetie. He really wiggles his way into your heart...even though he's not okay right now, he loves pets, and exploring (to the best of his abilities), and treats, and loves his new brothers and they love him...I'm gonna cry again. I'm just glad he got to know Lisp and Java for a little while. They've been taking care of him. When I gave him a bath to clean up his pee stains, I used a blow dryer and towel to get him dry, but he couldn't reach his backside to get fully dry. Lisp and Java pounced on him and started grooming him all over, helping him reach where he couldn't. They're such good, good, good boys. I just wish I could've done better by them.

Sigh. Just. After losing Python the way we did, and then losing the love of my life Mr. Jinx (I'm...still not over that cat. How can I be?), and going through the first mice passing away/being pts because of various old age mousy problems, and seeing our last old man rats deteriorate like this...I don't think I can do it anymore.

I should've listened, when people talked about how HEARTBREAKING rats are. But I got them before I REALLY knew what losing a pet was like. I've learned a lot about life/death and myself since then. A LOT of crazy life stuff has happened, too much to talk about here, and it's just...

I HATE that I wasted so much time/energy/excitement/money but...I think these will be our last rats. After Java and Lisp, we'll be closing the rat chapter of our lives. I love them so so so much...an unbelievable amount. They really are amazing little animals. But they are JUST big enough and they live JUST long enough...and the fact that they get elderly so quickly, and slow down so much...it's too much. I can't keep going through this.

I'm glad that I've learned that the mice are a much better fit for me, somehow, even though they live even shorter lives...somehow that's been working out much better for me? I guess it's because they live so fast and die so fast, it's always something that I understand will happen, but with rats they're there for just enough changes of the seasons that it feels like they've been here forever and losing them is...just So much harder on me. At least, I know I'll be keeping mice for a long while yet. They really jive with me and I'm very happy with how they fit into my life. But the rats...I feel like I've just fucked up so much with them, and I regret that all of this even happened, but I know I did my best, I know THEY weren't unhappy all in all, and that they liked us a lot and we loved them so much...it's just...too much for me, these days. And that's okay.

So. Goodnight, sweet prince Rupert. I love you impossibly so. I just. Never want you to get to the point of suffering. I hope you've had a nice last night with your new brothers. I'm sorry that you couldn't live forever.

[a-winchester-fairytale]

Secrets and Lies

Summary:  (Between S5 and S6)  Dean has no idea that his brother is alive, but when his sorrow awakens a vision - you do.

Warnings:  Lots of Angst, Dean feeling sad and lost, Soulless Sam

A/N:  Thank you for letting me join your Lie To Me challenge @stusbunker​ Hope you are having a wonderful birthday!!  When I read these lyrics, I immediately thought about Dean and the struggle he had with letting go of a hunter’s life with Sam to try and live a normal one.  I hope I did it justice.

I believe I’ve passed the age of consciousness and righteous rage I found that just surviving was a noble fight I once believed in causes too I had my pointless point of view And life went on no matter who was wrong or right ----Billy Joel

He looked tired, sitting there with that dark haired girl and little boy.  Their backs were to you, giving you the opportunity to watch him for a little while, his eyes looking down at the table in front of him.  He was listening to them, glancing up to their faces from time to time, but not really seeing them either.  There was something different about him – the fight gone from him somehow.

The last time you had seen him, he was fierce and the fire glowed behind his green eyes.  He was fearless, determined, strong, but still kind – just like his brother.  The man you saw sitting across the diner was broken, a stranger.

After a few minutes, they stood up and – after leaving some cash on the table – headed out the door.  His eyes met yours as he passed by your booth, but there was no sign that you registered as someone he once knew.  It was only for a brief moment anyway.  They had saved you from Lucifer – the brothers – almost a year ago now.   You had stayed with them for a month, until you started having nightmares about Sam and Lucifer and the answer he swore he would never give, but you knew he eventually would.  It had been the reason Lucifer was interested in you in the first place, your ability to see things that hadn’t yet happened.

It was a time in your life that you could never forget, but it was only one of thousands for them.  You understood that.  You asked the waitress for your check and started rummaging through your purse for some cash when you were startled.  Looking back up, you were once again locking eyes with Dean Winchester. 

“Hey.”  He said quietly, sitting down across from you.  “How have you been?”

“I didn’t think you recognized me.”  You said instead of answering him.  He just shrugged.

“I did, I just ….don’t say much about that stuff in front of them.”  He admitted, looking away.  “What are you doing here?”

“I live here….now.”  You answered.  “You?”

“Same, I guess.  I’ve been living with Lisa and Ben since….”  His voice dropped off just then.  “I work construction out at the yard on route 10.”  He added instead of finishing his original thought. 

He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his hair and along the back of his neck, but he wouldn’t meet your eyes again.  “Lisa is taking Ben to some school thing tomorrow night.  I get off work around 7:00.  Do you want to have dinner?  It would be nice to catch up.”

“Sure.  I’ll meet you here?”  You asked.  Dean nodded, glancing up for just an instant as he stood.

“I better go.”  He quietly said before walking away. 

He didn’t know for sure why he did it.  Maybe he just wanted to be around someone that knew him and Sam before, maybe he just didn’t want to be alone with his own thoughts with Lisa and Ben out of the house, maybe he just wanted a friend that didn’t expect anything from him.

He loved Lisa, and Ben, but he knew he wasn’t himself.  Most of the time he was angry and felt like a failure.  He missed his brother, and he couldn’t live with the idea that Sammy was locked up with Lucifer inside of him – stuck in some hypothetical cage in hell.  Dean remembered hell all too well.  He still had nightmares about it, only now it was Sam’s face he saw in the flames instead of his own.

Some days it was all he could do just to keep going.  Most of the time, he could barely remember what they had done it all for.  It just wasn’t the same without Sam there.  Now, he knew he spent his days going through the motions, just trying to fake it enough to get by.

You went to the diner a little early the following day, feeling nervous for a reason you couldn’t put your finger on.  It was busy and you distracted yourself with watching the other patrons from a small corner table you had found empty when you arrived.  You smiled when you saw him walk into the diner, his face giving away his relief that you had actually come.

“How was your day?”  You asked as he joined you.

“Same as always.”  He answered with a shrug.  “Sorry, guess that one takes a little getting used to.”  He added when he realized he was being gruff.

“I can see where building houses would be mundane in comparison to what you are used to.”  You tried to joke with him and he chuckled, a light airy laugh.

“That’s the understatement of the year.”  He replied, the smile lingering on his lips.  It was the slightest hint of the Dean you remembered you had seen since you said goodbye all those months ago.

The two of you made light chatter while you waited for your food to appear, then maintaining the conversation as you ate.  Finally, Dean leaned back in the chair and studied your expression as he asked, “I’m guessing you don’t ask because you already saw it?”

“I don’t ask because, although you can tell me anything, you don’t owe me any explanations.”  You replied.

“Lisa tells me the same thing, but i know she thinks it would help to talk about it.”  His thoughts came flowing out without a conscious decision to speak the words.  “I can’t tell her the truth though, so I just don’t say anything at all.  I mean, how am I supposed to tell her that he said yes to Lucifer?”

“Not really pillow talk, is it?”  You muttered, biting down on your lip as soon as you did.  You glanced up at him nervously, but he didn’t get angry.  Instead he laughed, effortlessly this time.

“No, it’s not.”  He chuckled.  It felt good, but the sound was one he barely remembered.  “Did you know?”  He asked after a moment of silence.

You looked away and nodded.  “I knew he would say yes, but I didn’t know when or how it would end.”  

“Well, I wouldn’t say yes so Michael took our half brother Adam, Lucifer was winning the battle with Sam at first, we fought and Sam was able to get control long enough to pull them both into a hole in the ground.  Now they are in the cage.  Apocalypse avoided.”  Dean recounted, the sound of Sam’s name in his ears felt like someone punched him in the chest.

He glanced around the room before taking a flask from his jacket pocket and pouring some in the coffee he had barely touched.

“What about Castiel...and Bobby?”  

“Cas went back to Heaven I guess.  I haven’t seen him a while.  Bobby went back to Sioux Falls.  Sam made me promise to go to Lisa and try to leave that life behind, to be happy.  I think they just want to give me a chance to do that.”  He explained, rolling his eyes.

“But you’re not.”  You volunteered for him.  He smirked.

“Not really.  I try to be.  Sometimes I forget for a second and I am, but it doesn’t last.  I care about Ben, and Lisa tries so hard.”  He confided, shaking his head.  “I think I could love her, but something in me just won’t let me get there….at least not yet.”

You reached out, taking his hand in yours, ignoring the pang in your chest at the way he talked about Lisa.  He looked up to meet your eyes, surprised at the electricity he felt from your touch.

“This isn’t your fault, you know.”

There is was, the uncanny way you had of reading all the things he never said.  He knew your secret, that you got flashes of the future, but he also knew those flashes didn’t tell you what he was thinking and feeling deep down inside his heart.  He still couldn’t understand how you always seemed to see all of it.  

Dean didn’t say anything back.  He just watched as he turned his hand so he could wrap his fingers with yours.  He ran his thumb along the side of your hand gently.

“Give me your phone.”  You told him after a few minutes.  He blinked like you had shaken him back from a place far away.

Without questioning it, he let go of your hand to reach in his pocket and handed over his phone.  You entered your phone number into his contacts and handed it back.

“Now you can call me whenever you want to.  It would be nice to stay in touch with you this time.”  You told him.

“Yeah, it would.”  He agreed.

When it was almost time for the diner to close, you followed Dean out to the parking lot.  He surprised you by walking up to an older pickup and unlocking the driver’s door.

“Don’t tell me you traded your baby for the truck.”  

“Definitely not.”  He scoffed, faking offense at the idea.  “She’s been garaged.  It just didn’t feel right, you know?”

“I understand.”  you nodded.  It wasn’t surprising that he would have a hard time driving that car and looking over at the empty passenger seat after everything.

“I know you do.  You always have, although I still have no idea how.”  He told you, twirling the keys in his hand.  “I think that’s why I said all that stuff.  I haven’t said it to anyone else.”

“You can always tell me anything.”  You reminded him instead of telling him the reason was that you cared for him, and had since he pulled you out of the prison Lucifer was keeping you in.  How could you possibly tell him that now, after everything?  It didn’t seem fair.  Instead, you reached up and wrapped your arms around his shoulders.  

You felt him hug you back, holding you tighter than you expected.  You closed your eyes and smiled at the warmth you felt in his arms.  Although everything in his life had changed, you couldn’t stop from thinking that he still felt the exact same, still had the same smell.  You inhaled softly so he wouldn’t realize that you were trying to memorize it. 

The two of you said good night and you watched as he drove away.  You could feel his heartache in your own.  With a deep breath you turned and headed back to the apartment you were renting.

You flew up in the bed, your clothes soaked from sweat, your heart racing as you tried to catch your breath.  You reached over and flipped on the nightlight, swinging your legs over the edge of the bed and sipping on the water you had left sitting on the nightstand.

It had been months since you had a nightmare like that, one that you knew wasn’t just a dream but a vision.  You couldn’t make sense of it.  It was about Sam, but not.  At least not the Sam you remembered.  The Sam you remembered was kind, patient, empathetic.  The one in your vision was beating a cop on the side of the road and was riding with someone other than Dean.  For a moment you thought it might have been Lucifer and the thought sent shivers down your back.  Then you remembered the name listed on the police car and you knew you had to find out for sure.  You reached for the phone and called the airline to book a ticket to Rhode Island.

Arriving in Bristol immediately felt like a mistake.  You kept thinking to yourself that if what you saw really was Lucifer, you had to question your own sanity for purposely seeking him out.  You didn’t even know when that vision would actually take place.  The only thing you knew was that the only person you ever harbored feelings for was lost without Sam and if you could give that back to him, you knew you had to try anything.

You finally saw him the following day, heading through town with the same man you had seen him with in your dream.  You couldn’t help but notice the cut on his forehead and the slight rip in his shirt, convincing you that the assault you visioned had already happened - although neither of them seemed especially worried.

You followed them for a little while, trying to stay far enough away to avoid being noticed, but close enough to hear them planning the hunt.  They turned a corner, but when you did the same, neither of them were anywhere to be found.

You turned a couple of times, cursing under your breath before heading back out toward the street.  Suddenly, you felt someone grab you and shove you against the brick wall.

“Why are you tailing us?”  Sam’s voice boomed, his strong hands gripping your shoulders.

“I wasn’t sure it was you at first, Sam.”  You answered, nervously.

“Hey...I know you.”  Sam commented, his eyes squinting as he tried to remember.  He released his grip and took a step backward.  “Did we….?”  He asked, making a gesture that certainly didn’t leave anything to the imagination.

“What!?  No…”  You scoffed.

“Shame.”  He replied with a suggestive glance.

“What are you doing here, Sam?  And who is this guy?”  You asked, gesturing to his companion standing just out of earshot.  Something was definitely off about Sam, but you couldn’t quite figure out what was going on. 

“Hunting.  Didn’t you hear?  There are people behaving like spiders here.”  He answered.  “And that is my grandfather.”  He added matter-of-factly.

“I thought you didn’t have any family other than Dean.”  You asked.  Sam leaned his head back and rolled his eyes.

“Is that what this is about?  Dean?”  He asked you.  “Look, my brother is living the all american apple pie life he was meant to live with some girl he fell in love with and her kid.  No big deal, but there are still monsters to hunt, so that’s what I’m doing.”

“He thinks you’re dead!”  you exclaimed, glancing around and lowering your voice before finishing  “And sitting in hell with Lucifer and Michael.”

“I was….for a little while.  Now I’m back.”  He confirmed.

“Sam, how could you be so cavalier about this?”  you asked, confused.  Sam thought about it for a second.  He knew he was different than before he went into the pit, but so far different for him had been better.  He was stronger, faster, a better hunter.  He couldn’t allow you to make him feel like it was wrong to be any of those things.

“I’m not trying to be anything, but why should I go back and pull Dean out of a life he is happy in?  It’s what he wanted.”

“Because Dean’s not happy.  He will never be happy thinking his brother is dead.  You of all people should know that!”  You argued, but Sam merely shrugged.

“I’ll think about it.”  Was all he said, walking away.  You stared after him, too shocked to move.  You felt confident that he wasn’t Lucifer simply pretending.  If he had been, there would have been fury and manipulation.  This Sam wasn’t any of those things.  Instead, it was like he didn’t care about anything or anyone.  No real feelings, just indifference.

You couldn’t help but wonder if Dean wasn’t better off not knowing this version of his brother.  .  

As you pondered it all on the plane ride home, you glanced through all of the phone messages you had ignored from him while you were gone.

When you arrived back at your apartment, Dean was sitting on the porch outside.  “Are you okay?”  He jumped up and asked as soon as you got out of the cab.

“Dean, what are you doing here?  How did you even know where I lived?”

“Trust me, you aren’t that hard to find in this town.”  He teased.  “Sorry to just show up like this.  You didn’t answer and I guess I just started to get worried.  Old habits.”  He added with a grin.

“It’s ok.  I..um...had some family stuff to take care of, kinda last minute.”  You told him, opening the door and offering him to come inside.  Dean shook his head.

“I better not.”  He answered.  “I should probably get back.”

“I know I told you that I was going to be here for a while, but it doesn’t look like that is going to work out.”  You told him, almost as surprised at the words as he was.

You hadn’t planned to say it, but now that you had you felt like it was right.  You would never be able to keep a secret like that from him, seeing him hurting every day.  Besides, if Sam was right, and Lisa really was who Dean wanted, it would break your heart every single time you saw them together.  Better to let him go now.

“Are you sure?”  He asked and you nodded.

Dean took a few steps toward you until he was standing right in front of you.  He reached out, hugging you and you felt him sigh.

“Don’t be a stranger this time, okay.”  He whispered in your ear.  “I’ve said good-bye to so many people, you’d think it would get easier.”  He added, trying to lighten the darkness that fell between you.  

Slowly he pulled away and headed back to the truck, his shoulders a little lower and his steps seemed heavier.  

“Dean, your brother….”  You blurted out, but stopped yourself when he turned to face you.   “Your brother would want you to find a way to be happy.  I really hope that you do.”

“I know.  Maybe someday.”  He replied, getting in the truck and driving home.

Dean pulled into the driveway and sat in the truck for a few minutes, taking a couple of drinks from the bottle in his glove box.  He glanced around a couple of times, unable to shake the feeling that someone was watching.  Finally he shrugged it off to hunter’s paranoia and went in to sit down to dinner.  

“You okay?”  Lisa asked when he seemed particularly quiet.  Dean nodded.

“Yeah.”  He answered, turning his attention back to Ben.

Dean took a long drink from his glass, never noticing the shadow that stood just on the edge of the light, watching through the window - trying to decide if you were right or if his brother really was better off not knowing the truth

_____________________________________________________________

Read more from my Masterlist here

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@just-another-busyfangirl @imagining-supernatural @aubreyreadsstuff @jensen-jarpad@your-modern-shakespeare  @jpadjackles @wonderfulworldofwinchester @mamapeterson@notnaturalanahi @realgreglestrade @19agbrown @adoptdontshoppets.

[kthstrawberryshortcake]

Hanging by a Thread

pairing: yoongi x reader

genre: angst with a happy ending

warnings: language, sexual themes (it’s pretty mild tbh)

word count: 2,540

This came basically out of nowhere. My brain just spit it out one day. I hope you guys enjoy it!

Also very minimal editing was done with this, be warned. 

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You couldn’t keep going on like this. It had been three weeks since you’d heard anything from Yoongi and thus far you’d been continuing on like nothing was wrong, like not hearing from your boyfriend for weeks at a time was normal. You knew he got busy, and him disappearing into his studio for days wasn’t unusual, but three weeks was a long time. Three weeks in which you’d tried to give him space, but your calls and texts had gone unanswered. You’d even tried to take food to the studio, both to make sure he ate and to get a chance to see him, but after waiting for an hour as you called and texted to ask him to open the door, you had given up. You’d left the food outside the studio and texted him to let him know it was there. 

You knew nothing had bad happened to him or anything like that. Your best friend Taehyung had told you as much. He was the one who had introduced you to Yoongi in the first place over a year ago. There were people who would tell you that you should’ve expected this. You had entered the relationship fully aware that he wouldn’t be the overly affectionate, clingy boyfriend, and that was more than okay with you. This had gone far beyond that point, though. It wasn’t a lack of publicly displayed affection, or even a lack of affection, but rather the complete and total lack of attention, a failure to even give you signs of life. Plus there was the one conversation you’d had right before he went AWOL, one that had seemed to go well at the time, that you wondered if it had anything to do with Yoongi’s sort of disappearance. 

  At your wit’s end, you decided the only way to keep from going entirely insane was to distract yourself with the company of friends. That’s how you ended up on the couch at the BTS dorms, wrapped up in your best friend’s arms. Your head was leaned against Taehyung’s shoulder as tears rolled down your cheeks. Jimin and Jungkook were also in the room, immersed in playing video games. “You want me to punch him for you? Because I don’t care if he’s my hyung, he can’t treat you this way. I didn’t introduce you just for him to be a jerk.” Taehyung murmured to you. You sniffled a little. “It’s not worth it Tae. I just wish I could bring myself to give up on him, maybe I wouldn’t hurt so much.” You sighed. 

Right at that moment, you heard the door open and slam shut, then footsteps. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” Yoongi roared, standing behind the couch where you and Taehyung sat. He looked positively livid. “So what, are you cheating on me now? With him? Or what explanation do you have for being practically on top of him?” He hissed, his words dripping with venom. You stood up quickly, glaring at him. “Oh, you don’t get to be jealous right now. After the stunt you’ve pulled the last few weeks? Excuse me if I need my best friend to comfort me when you’ve been treating me like shit.” You yelled back. 

All eyes were on the two of you. Yoongi’s expression softened ever so slightly. “I’ve been focused. I’ve been working.” He said in an attempt to defend himself. You shook your head. “Okay, fine, you’ve been working, great. Whatever. I’ve tried not to bother you. I always try not to bother you. But am I supposed to assume that your phone and laptop are broken and you’ve had no internet or cell reception? Because that’s the only actual excuse for this radio silence you’ve been giving me.” You retorted, not about to back down now. He looked slightly less certain now. You were trying not to start crying again, angry and heartbroken all at once. “Is this because I won’t fuck you?” You demanded quietly but harshly. You clenched your teeth, giving him a hard stare. Yoongi looked shocked, then extremely sad. “Do you honestly think I care that much about that?” He asked in almost a whisper. Your mind flashed back to three weeks ago, just before Yoongi fell off the face of the earth. It had started innocently enough, the two of you sitting on his bed and talking. Then the affection he only ever showed in private pulled you in: a small peck, an arm around you, a warm smile. You're head over heels for this man. Next thing you know you’re straddling him, hands on his shoulders as he trails kisses down your neck. You hear a soft whispered “I love you” and you feel as if your heart will burst. You cup his face in your hands and pull him up to you, crashing your lips into his. His hands are on your hips and things continue to get more heated. Somewhere in the fog of being entirely drunk on your love for each other both your shirts find their way off of you. Your kisses grow passionate and messy. Then you feel one of his hands start to unbutton your jeans and you freeze. You pull away and look at him, your nervousness and uncertainty clear on your face. “I’m not ready. I love you more than you know but I’m just not ready for this, I’m sorry…” He can tell you expect him to react negatively so he presses a gentle kiss to your forehead. “That’s okay, baby. We don’t need to rush” He replies reassuringly, and you visibly relax. You’re so relieved. “Want to just cuddle?” He suggests gently, and you nod. The two of you reposition yourselves so you’re snuggled up next to him as he lays on his back, your head resting on his chest. Moments like this make you feel so loved. They remind you how lucky you are to have Min Yoongi. You had felt totally reassured about the matter after your conversation, but now that he’d basically ghosted you for the three weeks following it, you weren’t so sure. You took a deep breath. “I didn’t think you cared about it, no. But what am I supposed to think? Almost immediately after we talk about it you disappear, zero contact?” You said in frustration. “Do you even want to be in a relationship, Yoongi? Do you just see it as a distraction you can’t afford?” You asked, fearing his answer but truly just needing honesty at this point. “No, of course that’s not what I think. I love you, I don’t want to lose you. And please for the love of god don’t think that me being distant and distracted has anything to do with sex, because I don’t really care about that. I just care about you.” He replied earnestly. 

You were so conflicted. Could you trust his words when his actions had so strongly suggested otherwise? It wasn’t until this moment that you realized the entire maknae line was witnessing your very emotional conversation. You focused on breathing evenly and slowly, trying to calm down. “I need a little time to process. I can’t continue talking about this right now. I’m too upset.” You admitted quietly, glancing up at Yoongi before looking at the floor. You covered your face with your hands, shaking your head. Yoongi respected your request for space and went to his room. 

  Taehyung then put a comforting hand on your shoulder before quietly suggesting “let’s get a snack.” You nodded, walking to the kitchen with Taehyung, Jimin, and Jungkook right behind you. Jin, who was leaning against the kitchen counter looking at his phone, looked up at the four of you as you entered. He saw the distraught look on your face and the boys’ grim expressions. Jin frowned in concern. “What’s wrong?” He asked, and the four of you looked at each other in an effort to figure out who would tell him and how. Taehyung, who was probably the angriest at the moment, decided to answer. “Y/N’s fantastic boyfriend decided to ghost her for three weeks, and, oh yeah, he also timed it so she thought it was because she wouldn’t have sex with him.” he grumbled. You looked at him kind of uncomfortably, not sure you would’ve phrased it that way, but deciding not to correct him because it was technically true. Jin looked shocked, then sympathetic, hugging you. “Our poor little duckling. That’s awful. Sounds like you could use some brownies.” He said, ruffling your hair a little. “We’ll cheer you up, kiddo, don’t worry.” He started pulling ingredients out. Jungkook took a tentative step toward you like he was afraid you’d fall apart at any second. “Hyung shouldn’t have treated you that way, noona, but it’ll be okay. No matter what happens it’ll be okay, you have all of us.” He said softly, causing Jimin to nod in agreement, giving you a supportive side hug. The boys were succeeding in making you feel at least a tiny bit better, and you were grateful for it.

-----------------

Days passed and you still hadn’t been able to figure out what to do about Yoongi. He’d called and texted, of course, but you hadn’t actually spoken to him beyond vague replies to keep from avoiding him entirely. You reflected on how the last three weeks had felt for you. You had felt lonely and sad but most devastatingly, you’d felt completely unwanted. Your relationship had felt one-sided, like you were the only one who cared at all. Every relationship has road bumps, ups and downs, things to work through. The problem here was not that things weren’t perfect but rather that you didn’t know if you could trust Yoongi to be 100% with you in trying to make it better. A slow decline with a long time of you struggling alone to fix things would be worse than ripping off the band-aid, so to speak, and ending it now. 

But you considered seriously how it would feel to end things. Just seriously considering it was enough to take your breath away and bring tears to your eyes. That was the main thing, that you didn’t want to lose him. Though the last three weeks had felt as if you’d lost him already. Was that the case? Was it really all over already anyway? Or was there a light at the end of the tunnel? Constantly considering how to move forward exhausted you. You spent the next few days in bed, in the dark, under the covers, just thinking. You were trying to put the pieces back together before you even attempted to deal with the situation. 

  Here’s what you didn’t (and couldn’t) know. Yoongi was a miserable wreck for the days following your confrontation. The other boys weren’t unsympathetic, but in all honesty, they kind of felt like he deserved it, so they didn’t go out of their way to cheer him up. They’d known you quite some time now because of your friendship with Taehyung, long before you and Yoongi even really knew each other well, let alone were together. You were their friend, too, and it was clear to them that Yoongi was the one at fault in the situation. They weren’t unkind by any means, just distant. 

Meanwhile Yoongi was in his studio day and night composing something for you, something that would truly show you what you meant to him. He didn’t always know what to say, but where he never failed to communicate this feelings was through his music. He felt immensely guilty about how things had transpired. What would obviously look like him not caring to you could easily be attributed to his single-minded workaholism and general obliviousness. The timing was the worst part. Yoongi had wholeheartedly meant what he said, that he was more than okay with waiting until you were ready to have sex. It genuinely wasn’t that important to him. What was actually important to him was the feeling you gave him of being understood, loved, appreciated, cared for. He couldn’t imagine a life without you in it, and the fact that he’d put the most important thing to him in jeopardy was eating him alive. 

  Almost a week had passed since the day in the boys’ dorms before Yoongi finally decided to take matters into his own hands. He wanted to give you space to think, but because he knew you so well he was pretty sure you had shut down entirely as you sometimes did when things became overwhelming. He made his way over to your apartment, knocking on the door. You heard the sound from your place under the covers in bed, but chose to ignore it, hoping whoever it was would go away. The knocking got progressively louder, and still you pretended you couldn’t hear it. 

Yoongi silently thanked the universe that he had a key to your place. He unlocked the door and came inside, looking around your living room. As he’d expected, it was dark and empty. He immediately went to your bedroom and crouched down beside your bed, tapping you over the top of the covers your body was fully hidden by. You took a deep breath, knowing that there was no more avoiding to be done at this point. You pulled the covers down enough to let your head stick out. 

The first thing you noticed were his eyes. They were so full of sadness and concern. Even with as complicated as things were now, you felt your heart clench when you saw his face, your love for him overflowing. Yoongi rested his hand on the side of your face, caressing your cheekbone with his thumb. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. You nodded slightly, shutting your eyes for a moment. When you looked at him again, he had a more determined expression. “I can’t lose you. I love you more than I will ever be able to express but at the very least, I’ve tried. I wrote something… I want you to know how much I mean it when I say I’m serious about making things better.” He sighed quietly, pulling out his phone and pressing play. 

  By the end of the song you had tears running down your cheeks, leaking involuntarily from your eyes. You sat up enough to lean forward and kiss him. “It’s beautiful. Thank you.” You said with a little smile. “I love you so much. I just want things to be okay again, no matter how hard we have to try to get there.” You confessed, feeling reassured. Your smile then grew as you grabbed his arm and pulled him toward you, signaling your desire for cuddles. Yoongi knew exactly what you wanted, so he climbed under the blankets and wrapped his arms around you to take his place as the big spoon. He was always your safe place, and all felt right with the world now that your refuge seemed safe once more. You didn’t expect it to be effortless to make sure this kind of situation didn’t repeat itself, but you didn’t really care. You now knew weren’t alone in this, and that was all you’d really wanted.

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Let me know what you think! <3 

[pengychan]

[Good Omens] Winging It - Luke 15:32

Summary: Shockingly, attempting to destroy an angel without consulting God first comes with consequences. There is more than one way to fall, and a thousand more ways to inconvenience an angel and a demon who just wanted to be left in peace. Characters: Gabriel, Crowley, Aziraphale, Beelzebub, Michael, Uriel, Sandalphon Rating: T  

Prologue and all chapters are tagged as ‘winging it’ on my blog.

A/N: Well, time to meet Larry.

***

“Have more cake.”

“Ah, thank you, I believe I am--” 

A large slice of carrot cake landed on Gabriel’s dish before the words ‘quite full’ were even out. Gabriel’s gaze shifted from it to the dog - whose name was Arthur Canine Doyle, he’d learned, Doyle for short. It was resting its muzzle on Gabriel’s knee, looking up pleadingly. A very pink tongue emerged to lick its snout the moment he looked down. It sure made itself hard to ignore.

Gabriel was beginning to suspect it was after the cake.

“... And so he asked me to marry him,” Berenice was going on, serving herself a generous amount of cake as well.  “I mean, with the papers in order, new documents and all, he really didn’t have any excuse left not to, you know? But he maintains he planned to ask all along.”

“I see,” Gabriel said, smiling a little and letting his gaze wander across the room. They were sitting in a living room, whose walls were covered in paintings of seaside landscapes; an half-finished painting was at the far end of the room. It definitely explained the dashes of color on Berenice’s jumper, and the strong smell of paint.

A chuckle, and she took a sip of tea. “We married in summer 2006 and it rained the entire bloody day, of course it did, but the ceremony was lovely. My son walked me down the aisle and everything. We also had my old dog as our ring bearer,” she added, nodding to something on Gabriel’s right. 

He followed her gaze, and found himself looking at a framed photo of the dog in question - huge and hairy as Doyle, with a long lolling tongue, but completely black. However, it wasn’t the dog to catch his gaze as much as the newlyweds standing right behind it, smiling for the camera. 

At first sight, Lawrence Brown didn’t resemble his younger brother at all. Daniel had been on the short side but broad, a full beard covering half his face, and the most elegant attire Gabriel had ever seen on him consisted of clean jeans and a flannel shirt. Lawrence’s build was slighter, and he was dressed in an impeccable suit that Gabriel was certain had to be tailored. He was clean-shaven, iron-gray hair neatly combed back, a black cane with a silver handle in one hand; the other arm was around Berenice’s waist. 

And yet there was something in the broad smile, the aquiline nose, the cheekbones and… ah, yes, the same dark green eyes. They two brothers didn’t quite resemble each other, but they did share some features upon closer inspection. It made Gabriel smile a little. Daniel would be glad to know that. “That’s a really nice photograph.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Berenice smiled. “I don’t think I ever spent so much time doing my hair before or since, but it was worth it. Towards the end of the ceremony his bad knee was bothering him, did I say it was bloody rainy? So I suggested we took the photos sitting down, but he wouldn’t have that. He’s stubborn, did I mention that?”

Gabriel smiled. “A few times,” he said, and was about to start eating the third slice of cake out of politeness - time to find out how much his stomach could really take - when Doyle’s ears suddenly perked up. The dog pulled its head off Gabriel’s knee and stood, running to the next room, where the entrance was, with a wagging tail and a noise that sounded much like ‘boof’.

“Ah, there he is,” Berenice murmured. She put her cup of tea aside and stood from her armchair. “I’ll let him know you’re here,” she added, the smile gone from her face - a stark reminder to Gabriel that he was not there to deliver an especially cheery message. It made sense for her to want to prepare her husband for what was to come.

He put the dish aside and nodded, his mouth pulled in a tight line, as Berenice quickly went through the entrance. Through the doorway, Gabriel could just hear a man’s voice asking the dog who was ‘a good boy’, which he found mildly confusing, not least because he knew dogs were unable to utter a response. Then he was cut off, and Gabriel could make out Berenice speaking in a soft tone, although he couldn’t grasp the words.

A message to deliver. It’s what I do best, Gabriel thought, instinctively reaching up to straighten his tie. Please, please, do not cry, he thought immediately afterwards. Until not too long ago, if it had been over a message God tasked him to deliver to a mortal, the thought of his words being met with tears might have been mildly awkward at worst. Now, something in his chest ached at the mere thought. 

It should be Daniel sitting here. Not me. This is not fair.

Mortal lives are short, something whispered in the back of his mind. 

They needed more time, Daniel needed more time, he should have gotten to grow old.

Ah, that wouldn’t have mattered until a few months ago, either. He had been ready to follow the Great Plan and see humanity annihilated, because it was the plan and there was nothing else he ought to care about. Billions human lives lost, Daniel’s and his brother’s and his wife’s among them; billions with unfinished business and years to live, and he hadn’t cared.

Aziraphale had cared. A demon had cared - but not him. You’re a good man, Daniel had written. Ah, if only he’d known.

In the next room there was more quiet talking, a brief silence, and then steps. Gabriel stood as Lawrence Brown walked in with a slight limp, looking at him with those dark green eyes that looked so familiar. He was older than in the photo, but there were few differences - a few more wrinkles around his eyes, his hair having gone from iron to silver, more informal clothing. The one big change, of course, was on his expression; the broad smile had changed into a polite one that barely hid the hurt, the many questions he certainly ached to ask.

And Gabriel would answer, at the best of his abilities.

Don’t say ‘fear not’.

“Mr. Brown,” Gabriel greeted him, holding out his hand. “My name is Gabriel Archer. I-- apologize for the intrusion.”

Lawrence’s smile seemed a little more sincere as he reached back to shake his hand. “Thank you for coming,” he said, and sat on the armchair in front of him while Doyle went to lay down at his feet. Berenice walked up to the armchair, putting a hand on his shoulder; he reached up to hold it, but his gaze never left Gabriel. “... I assume I wasn’t easy to find.”

Telling him both Heaven and Hell had been going crazy looking for him would have made for a truthful answer, but not a very wise one. Gabriel nodded, sitting as well. “You were not, but I-- I owed it to Daniel.”

If only I’d asked for assistance earlier, we could have found you on time. Before he died.

The name caused the smile to fade, and Lawrence drew in a deep breath, holding a little tighter on his wife’s hand. “Is what you told my wife true? That Daniel’s-- gone?”

A weight seemed to settle in Gabriel’s stomach as he nodded. “I am afraid he is. He passed away in his sleep a few weeks ago - heart failure.”

Lawrence let out all air in his lungs in a long breath, lowering his eyes. He swallowed before he spoke, Berenice still holding his hand in silent, steady comfort. “He’d have been fifty-five.”

“He was.”

“Fifty-six on the tenth of August. St. Lawrence’s day.” A shaky breath. “He was not old.”

“No, he was not,” Gabriel said, very quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“Unfair, that. Margaret Thatcher lived a lot longer than that, may she rot in Hell.”

“She is.”

“Sorry?”

“Uh, nothing.”

A pause as Lawrence glanced at the photo and then back again. The pain was there behind his eyes, raw and palpable, but kept at bay. It was the gaze of someone who’d learned to deal with pain. Someone who’d lost an entire family before. Someone who’d been cast out, and had to learn to deal with it. It was a gaze Gabriel had seen in the mirror before.

“It is hard to imagine,” Lawrence said slowly, his voice a little less strained. “He was only ten last I saw him. A little boy. He still had gaps in his mouth where his baby teeth fell off.”

“I have a photo.” Gabriel reached in the internal pocket of his jacket and pulled out a photo of Daniel during a dinner for Łukasz’s birthday. It had been Fabrizio to take it, and he’d done Gabriel a huge favor by having it properly printed out; it showed Daniel sitting back against the backrest of his chair, a pint in his hand, laughing at something. He handed it to Lawrence, who hesitated a moment before taking it with a slightly shaky hand.

The photo of a stranger, Gabriel found himself thinking, why would he care to see the photo of a stranger? Daniel was no longer the boy he knew. He doesn’t know him at all.

“It has been a long time,” he had told Beelzebub. “We are not the beings we were then.”

“Oh,” Lawrence said, after looking at it for a few moments. His features twisted a moment - that pain again, trying to come to the surface - but in the end, he smiled. “Here he is, dear,” he finally muttered, glancing up at his wife. “My little brother, all grown up.”

Berenice smiled as well. “Almost as handsome as you.”

“I know, right? I like the beard, it never did much for my face - now that was a disappointment - but it looks good on him. He… heh. He looks like our father.”

Knowing what he did about his and Daniel’s parents - which was little, but none of it good - Gabriel was not quite sure what to think of the oddly fond smile that curled Lawrence’s lips for a moment. Nostalgia, maybe. However it was gone quite quickly, and Lawrence looked up at him again. He didn’t put down the photo, Gabriel noticed; he held it in his hands, as though unable to let go of it. “Thank you,” he said, his voice a little strained again. Gabriel managed a smile. 

“You’re welcome. I just finished what he started. He-- was looking for you.”

A shaky breath, and Lawrence shook his head. “No, he was not.”

“Huh? No, I assure you, he’d been trying for years--”

“He was looking for Alison. That was not me.”

Beelzebub, not Ba’al. 

No. Enough. They have nothing to do with any of this. Ba’al fought God and fell and is no more.

Gabriel closed his mouth, at a loss for words for a few moments-- but then he remembered the letter Daniel had written for him to memorize, and shook his head. “He was looking for you. Only under the wrong name, is all. There were things he did not know.”

I want you to know I loved you then and I love you now, wherever you are. You were the best sibling I could have asked for, I am sorry I couldn’t see that. I am sorry I never read your letter.

“... He was sorry for what he said to you. He didn’t mean it. He regretted it his entire life.”

A long pause, a sigh. “He was only a child, then. I never held it against him. It was not his fault,” Lawrence said, looking down at the photograph again. “God, he looks so different.”

“Still your little brother,” Berenice spoke softly, reaching to brush back his hair. 

“... Yes. He was.” He brushed a thumb over the photo. “I should visit him. Where is he buried?”

Oh, that. “The… funeral has not gone ahead yet. They were trying to locate his next of kin. Which would be you,” Gabriel said, gaining himself a startled look.

“Just me? Isn’t there… anyone else?”

“He was married, but his wife passed away years ago. He had... an eventful life.” Gabriel managed a smile. “I’d be happy to fill you in, if you’d like. So that you know more about him.”

A long look, and he smiled. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand still holding the photo. “... I would appreciate that more than words can say,” he replied. Berenice smiled, and squeezed his hand one more time before letting go. “I’ll be making more tea for everyone.”

“No need, I still have a cup--”

“Which you let go cold, Mr. Archer,” she cut him off with a chuckle, reaching to take it. “No, no, sit. Please. You have a lot to talk about.”

And he did, he truly did - filling in Lawrence with all he knew about Daniel’s life, the ups and downs, the happy life and marriage, the death of his wife, illness, homelessness, how he pulled himself out of it; what a good worker he was, how respected by everyone he worked with him.

And most of all he told him everything that Daniel was; a good man, a generous man, someone who’d share the last of his beer with a weird frazzled stranger he met in a park, and then let him sleep in his tent when he became too drunk to go anywhere else. Lawrence listened, smiled, and got misty-eyed - and it was all right, because so did Gabriel and he found there was no shame in that. It was a fundamental part of being human, after all. 

By the time he finished speaking, Lawrence Brown looked many things - saddened and grateful, nostalgic and thoughtful, but most of all he looked proud. “He turned out well,” he said, and smiled down at the photo. “He was always a good kid. I was sure he’d be a good man.”

“He was the best hum--” ah, wait. Not the right wording. “The best man I have known. Ah, thank you,” Gabriel said, taking the cup of tea Berenice was handing him. Behind her, Lawrence sneakily passed a biscuit to Doyle. 

“Well. It seems I ought to get in touch, then, so I can organise the funeral. I will let you know all the details so you and your colleagues can attend,” Lawrence added. “I am… very grateful to you for going through the trouble of coming all the way here.”

Gabriel smiled. “I had a debt of gratitude.”

“To Daniel, but not to me. How may I repay you?”

“Well…” All right, he ought to word this in a way that was not weird, because telling him he wanted to know more about his life so he could tell Daniel about it was not an option, unless he wished an ambulance to be called to take him. “You seem to have had an interesting life yourself. I grew curious as I searched you - if it’s not too much to ask for you to indulge my curiosity…?” 

A chuckle. “Ah, it was not as interesting as you might believe, so prepare to be disappointed. When I left Plymouth after… well. When I left it was early May - the first of May, I think. Or was it the tenth? Well, one of the two. Either way, I decided to board the first train to London…”

***

“Aren’t you going to miss London at all?”

“Ah, maybe the nightlife. But whenever that happens, we can always hop on the Bentley and go like the wind.”

“That is a slightly frightening thought.”

“Oh, come on, you know I never crash.”

“But you have caused others to crash upon occasion, do I have to remind you-- oh, this one looks nice.”

“It does, doesn’t it? It’s got a big loft, too, we can miracle it to be bigger on the inside. Nice large window, lets in plenty of natural light.”

“It would make a perfect library!”

“... I was thinking of houseplants.”

“Is that necessary? This comes with such a lovely garden, you can have all the plants you wish.”

“Ah, right. Still had my brain wired on ‘flat’.”

“Well. I see no reason why we can’t have houseplants in the library. Is that tree in the garden?”

“An apple tree? Yes.” Crowley had to admit it was an amusing coincidence. He scrolled through the photos. “Ah, that corner over there would be perfect for shrubs, and that spot in the sun… hedges all around… yes, I could turn it into something like Eden with some work.”

“Oh, and I could help you!”

“What?”

“In the garden.”

“Angel, if you so much try to go all Brother Francis again and be kind to garden pests--”

“I promise I will not, as long as you promise not to raise your voice at the plants.”

Crowley sighed. “Yes, yes, compromise. I am reasonably sure we already discussed this point. Didn’t we?”

“I think we did, yes.”

“Would be easier to remember if we didn’t keep getting interrupted to babysit--”

Aziraphale’s phone rang. Crowley rolled his eyes. Case in point.

“Ah, it might be Gabriel,” Aziraphale said. As far as Crowley was concerned, it was all the more reason not to answer the phone - if the idiot got himself stabbed in Luton it was his own problem, he’d received a fair warning - but Aziraphale picked up the receiver before he could voice those thoughts.

“Hello? Oh, Gabriel! I did wonder why you didn’t call-- oh, you found him? Wait-- Paington? How did you get there from Lut-- ah, I see. Well, that’s delightful news, isn’t it! When are you going to-- oh, you already… my, wasn’t that quick! And how did it go? Wonderful, wonderful. I’m sure your friend will be happy to know that. Is there anything more we can do to assist? Oh. Oh. Ah, you’re quite welcome, you’re quite welcome. Of course, it was no trouble at all. Take care, then.”

As the call ended, Crowley raised an eyebrow. “So, he found the bloke?”

“He did. He called to thank us,” Aziraphale replied, sounding mildly surprised.

Crowley frowned. “Us?” he repeated. The former Archangel fucking Gabriel thanking him, too?

“Yes, he specifically said ‘both of you’,” was the reply. Well, now that was… unexpected. 

“Looks like he finally learned some manners,” he muttered, and Aziraphale chuckled, nudging him with an elbow as he sat back next to him, looking down at the cottage they might just pick.

“Before it slips my mind, one thing we should check is if there’s a good bakery in the vicinity…”

***

Lawrence and Berenice insisted for Gabriel to stay for lunch.

At first he’d thought to decline, if anything because the amount of cake he’d been fed throughout the morning almost dwarfed what Aziraphale had been trying to get in his stomach with varying degrees of success - but after so long looking for Lawrence, Gabriel found he wanted to stay a bit longer. 

He wanted to get to know him a little better, gather more details he could pass on to Daniel, and answer any more questions Lawrence may have about his brother. He couldn’t answer all of them, because what he knew of Daniel’s life before they met he’d only heard about, but he did his best. 

And besides, he found it was very easy to discreetly slip food under the table to Doyle in order to keep his stomach from bursting without refusing food, which Berenice had made clear would not be tolerated. If anything, Doyle appreciated his initiative a lot. By the time Gabriel left, after exchanging numbers and thanks and with polite handshakes, it was mid-afternoon and… a pleasantly mild day overall, despite being just early March. 

It was only a short walk to the seafront, where a few people were walking their dogs or kicking around a spherical object - ah, right, a soccer ball - only to have it stolen by a dog who then ran off, forcing a couple of people to chase it. But they were laughing, so Gabriel supposed they were not especially bothered by the inconvenience. 

He sat outside a café, ordered a coffee, called Aziraphale to update him as he waited and then he pulled a small notepad from the inside pocket of his jacket to start jotting down all that Lawrence had told him about himself and his life, so that it could be passed on to Daniel. His memory used to be infallible, as that of all angels, but that no longer was the case: he retained all he had learned in his existence as part of the Heavenly host, but new information was harder to fix into his mind now that he was a mortal. 

An interesting side effect, considering that, other memories had been making a comeback.

“I know you,” he’d said once to a Virtue known as Ba’al. 

“No. You do not.”

Not the beings we were then.

Why would he care to see the photo of a stranger?

“My little brother, all grown up,” Lawrence Brown had said. 

It has been a long time. He doesn’t know him at all.

“Thank you for coming,” he had said. “Thank you for bringing Daniel back to me.”

“... Sir? Is something the matter with your coffee?”

“Huh?”

Gabriel blinked, and realized three things at once: that he had been stating in the distance towards the waves with the pen in mid-air for several minutes, that the coffee in front of him was untouched and growing cold, and that the waitress was looking at him with mild concern. 

He smiled. “Ah, I got a bit lost in thought. Thanks for snapping me out of it,” he said, and she smiled back before leaving. He picked up the mug, took a sip and ah, it needed more sugar, it was so bitter only Beelzebub could possibly appreciate-- no, best not to think of them. Not now. 

All too soon, he suspected, they would show up to demand he repaid the favor, and Gabriel would keep his word. He had to.

But for now, he would focus on the task at hand - the message he truly wanted to pass on. Gabriel put down the mug, picked up the pen, and began writing.

***

“A risk analyst? Is that an actual thing?”

“I am fairly sure it is.”

“Gabriel’s got to be shit-- pulling my leg,” Daniel Brown said, to his credit correcting himself very fast when he noticed Uriel’s raised eyebrow. Beside him, his wife seemed amused. 

“Not the career you had imagined for him?”

“Not what I’d imagine for anyone, since I didn’t know it existed. When Ali-- Lawrence left, she-- he’d-- agh, I keep fucking this up.”

As Uriel sighed in defeat - that man’s language was impossible - Liv Brown chuckled. “You’ll get used to it,” she said. Uriel was not entirely certain she was talking to her husband about his use of correct pronouns, or reassuring her that sooner or later his language would cease bothering her.

To be honest, Uriel had no plans to stay in the lower spheres of Heaven long enough to get used to any of it.

Unaware of her thoughts, Daniel Brown shrugged, scanning the message of several pages Gabriel had sent back for him. “Hope so, I keep slipping up and feeling like an arse-- an idiot, I mean. But… a risk analyst. I imagined he’d, I don’t know, boarded a plane to Australia to be a kangaroo herder or something. Not board a train to London to become a risk analyst. I can get he’s a guy but what job is that supposed to be?”

“... It doesn’t sound particularly adventurous, I agree. On the bright side, getting to him might have been a little more difficult if he lived in Australia herding kangaroos.”

“Ah, fair.”

They kept going over the latter together, and Uriel silently left the room without either of them noticing. Her work there was done; Daniel Brown may have never met his brother in life - he would in Heaven, most likely, if Lawrence Brown’s file was anything to go by he was well on course to get in - but at least he had the answers he had been seeking. 

Uriel, on the other hand, still has no answer to the questions that wouldn’t leave her alone - nor Michael nor Sandalphon, she knew that - ever since the order had come to cast Gabriel out, and they’d obeyed. So many questions, and not one answer. 

God owed them no answers, Uriel knew, and questioning was a dangerous thing to do in Heaven… yet it was all she had been doing for the past several months. All they had been doing.

And maybe it was time for them to ask those questions out loud, come what may.

***

"But we had to celebrate and be glad, because this brother of yours was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found." -- Luke 15:32

***

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[dhufflebee]

when I see you like that  (a Glee fanfiction)

One-shot Fandom: Glee Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Jesse St. James & Andrea Cohen; Jesse St. James/Rachel Berry - mentioned (and at this point very much one-sided) Characters: Jesse St. James; Andrea Cohen  Additional Tags: rambling phone calls; basically just Jesse moping a lot; Friendship; Pining; Self-Worth Issues; rated T for some swearing

Read on:  AO3  |  ff.net Summary: After the loss at Nationals, Jesse can’t face his Vocal Adrenaline students, and calls his friend Andrea instead. Talking with her, though, painfully reveals his well-concealed sense of inadequacy—and his unquenchable feelings for one Rachel Berry

This fic is basically 3k words of Jesse moping, in a weird half-dialogue half-rant format. I’ve felt the need to write this since I’ve rewatched ‘Nationals’: that three-second shot of Jesse on the verge of tears has been haunting me, and I had to get the story out of my system. Most of all, I needed him to get some of the love and validation that the show deprived him of.

In my mind, it isn’t at all out of character for Jesse to be this miserable in private. He is crazy talented and he knows it, but he also has deep self-worth issues (due to his demanding and not very loving upbringing), for which he compensates with pride and overconfidence. He also has his (in)famous showface that rarely goes away, and he doesn’t feel comfortable being emotionally vulnerable. Except with Andrea—and, well, with Rachel.

By the way, I know Jesse and Andrea's friendship is mostly fanon, but I like it very much nonetheless.

Jesse had never felt so upset in his life. His heart, his mind, his guts were telling him conflicting things, and his knees were starting to give way under him as the adrenaline of the competition slowly went away. He barely managed to close the door to his room before he had to sit on the bed. He was feeling lightheaded, with black pushing at the edge of his vision—the way he would feel after a long training when he hadn’t eaten enough. But it wasn’t low blood pressure, Jesse knew that. It was the same dreadful mix of emotions and thoughts as that damn day two years before, but somehow a hundred times worse. Then it had been divided loyalties, two shattered hearts, and the gut punch of feeling like an utter bastard, but now… damn, he’d added so many failures in the past two years that he had no idea how his showface was still so good. He was starting to feel like a hollow husk at times. Something had definitely broken back then, and the constant, cyclical reminders of what he’d stupidly lost weren’t doing him any favors—that evening after Nationals, the castle of cards that had been Jesse St. James’s so-called adult life was a breath away from collapsing, once and for all.

Jesse kicked off his shoes, threw the suit jacket haphazardly on a chair, and lay down on the bed, trying to steady his breath against his inner turmoil. After a while, he felt blindly around his legs for his phone, until he found it lying precariously near the edge of the bed. He then flung the duvet up over his head and snuggled under it, shirt and nice slacks be damned. He unblocked his phone and opened his recent calls, dialing his best (only?) friend’s number.

“Victory boy! Hey!” a chipper voice answered.

“Andrea…”

“Ah. You didn’t win, then.”

Jesse sighed. Andrea’s reaction made him realize he sounded as dejected as he felt—something he’d long learned how to conceal, but the Chicago air must have jinxed him or something. Or maybe he was simply beginning to crumble under the pressure of his feelings. Whatever.

“I feel like crap, Andy. I should be with the guys, drowning our disappointment in ginger ale or what-have-you, but I don’t even have the energy for that. I barely managed to tell them I was proud of them—and I am—before I had to get out of there. They were crying, Andy, and the looks on the seniors’ faces… I just—I couldn’t stay.”

Jesse knew he was rambling, but a big part of his and Andrea’s friendship had always been taking turns in unloading while the other listened and then offered some honest advice. No one else in his life had ever made him feel safe enough to be so open and vulnerable—except for Rachel, but he’d thrown away his chance to have her at the other end of the line again, hadn’t he?

“I’m sure they understand, Jesse. You told them you were proud, and that’s what matters. Remember how nice it felt when they would tell us? Eased the disappointment of losing somewhat, no?” Andrea asked, a tinge of wistfulness in her voice.

“Yeah, well… god, they worked so hard for this. I really thought we’d win, you know? I honestly miss the high of victory—as I’m sure you do, too,” Jesse said with a smirk, getting a chuckle from Andrea in response. “Nevertheless, Carmel High is going to kick me out the minute I get back to Akron, as they so candidly told me they would when I got the job. And I guess they have all the rights to do it—what kind of failure am I, four-time champion and I can't even coach fucking Vocal Adrenaline to victory? I wouldn't want to keep me around either."

Jesse heard himself getting whinier by the minute, and he hated it, hated how earnest he ended up being while talking with Andrea (and with Rachel, too—he never quite managed to keep his walls up for long with her either… Stop! Stop thinking about that!). Andrea hesitated and exhaled, and Jesse could imagine her shaking her head as well.

"Why didn't you win, though?" she asked at last. "I've seen those videos you sent me: the choreo was incredible! What happened?"

"A ragtag bunch of misfits, that's what happened," Jesse answered, trying to sound mean but only managing desolate. Figures. "The New Directions really busted their asses this year, apparently. You should have seen them, everyone performed at a level they'd never reached before—and you know how they've always been so endearingly energetic. I loathe to admit it, but they were great, and I guess they did deserve to win. Probably. Couldn't tell that to my guys, though," he chuckled, gloomily.

"I'm glad to hear that," Andrea said, with a careful, knowing tone that Jesse instantly dreaded. "Is that it, though? This whole call just because the New Directions finally snatched first place after years of trying?"

Jesse didn't answer. He couldn't, he wouldn't tell Andrea the real reason of his moping—besides, he knew she could easily guess it.

"Unless..." (There it is.) "What about Rachel, Jesse? Did she sing?"

Jesse was thankful the conversation was happening on the phone, Andrea at one end of the nation and himself buried under a duvet in a hotel room in Chicago. He wouldn't have been able to sustain her gaze, otherwise. At least on the phone he didn't need his showface, and his instinct to flee from emotional vulnerability was somewhat tamed (but not much).

"Jesse?"

He squeezed his eyes shut and gripped the phone more tightly, hoping to keep at bay the flood of emotions that he could sense coming. At last, he whispered: "Yeah, she did. It's All Coming Back to Me Now".

"Oh."

And that was it. Andrea’s understanding tone was all it took for the floodgates to open and for Jesse’s rambling, vulnerable side to come out in full force. Tears threatened to escape his eyes, but he them firmly shut—he would not cry.

“God, Andy, when she sung that song—it felt like she was saying all those things to me!” Jesse’s voice traitorously cracked at that last word.

“I don’t think that’s—”

“I know!” Good lord, he was whining again. “I know that it’s ridiculous! that I’m reading too much into it, that they chose the song way beforehand and Rachel has much better things to think about than me… But what if she was singing about us after all? The words are rather fitting, and she knows that—same as she knew we were bound to meet here tonight. It’s there, Andy, the whole story! Me being an idiot, all my mistakes and the hurt I inflicted her—she was reproaching me, and I cannot blame her because I deserve it. And I especially deserve to hear it from her magnificent voice, even if god knows I don’t need to be reminded of what I did to her.” Jesse was breathing heavily, almost unable to articulate his feelings, his words spilling out at an alarming speed.

Andrea remained silent for a few seconds, then answered with a deliberate yet soothing tone—the one she reserved for Jesse’s rare mopey moments. “I don’t think your history with Rachel had anything to do with the song, Jesse.” He scoffed lightly, but she ignored him. “Besides, you were a teenager back then, and you were forced between a rock and a hard place. Shelby was a bitch that manipulated you and treated both Rachel and the parents of that baby like dirt. Sure, you were a bit of a dick, but you’ve got to cut yourself some slack. You were not stupider than the average teen in love, all things considered.”

Jesse tried to scoff again, but what escaped his throat sounded more like a sob than anything else. “Andy, you don’t understand,” he pleaded, pressing the heel of his free hand on his eyes. “I threw away the one truly warm thing in my life because Shelby threatened to take away my scholarship to UCLA, and look how well that went,” Jesse laughed bitterly. Ah, the familiar taste of self-deprecation. Saying all that out loud felt better than just mulling over it constantly, though. “I’m such an imbecile—I got college handed to me on a silver platter, and I couldn’t even manage to float just above the pass grade? Or, I don’t know, use my fucking brain for a change? And to think I would be so conceited about it, as if I could ever hope to accomplish anything intelligence-related…”

“Jesse, stop!” Andrea interjected vehemently. “You’re spiraling and you’re starting to sound like your father. You’re not stupid, you’re not brainless—you’re smart, and the most brilliant guy I know as far as musical theater is concerned. And don’t start with how acting or singing or whatever is bullshit, because I’ll come down there, slap you, and then find your dad and punch him on his ugly mug.” At that, Jesse felt a sharp surge of affection for his friend, regardless of her proclivity for mild physical threats. “We all sweated blood in Vocal Adrenaline, but we were happy and good—you above all, because performing is your passion and your talent. Who cares if you didn’t pass gen eds? You’re wonderful, and you will take Broadway by storm soon.”

“Ms. Tibideaux didn’t seem to think so,” Jesse replied, dejectedly.

“Who?”

“Carmen Tibideaux. NYADA?”

“What does she have to do with anything now?” Andrea asked, confused. “That was years ago.”

“Yeah, right—the first of my many failures.” Jesse’s tone was more bitter than he expected. He intentionally hadn’t thought much about his audition since, but he guessed disappointments never actually stopped stinging, did they?

“Come on, Jesse…”

“I didn’t get in, okay? No point in sweetening the pill. I was good but apparently not enough—and I always knew that, but now I have confirmation from the woman’s own voice that I ‘showed promise’ but couldn’t overcome the obstacles to be the best. So really, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with my life.” Was he being overdramatic and overly self-critical? Absolutely. At that moment, though, Jesse had no idea how to stop.

“Enough!” Andrea exclaimed. Deep down, the rational part of Jesse’s brain had realized he was being maddening, but he also had to admit he didn’t mind Andy’s forceful tone. It felt strangely soothing, being told to get a grip from someone who cared about him.

“I can’t believe you are saying this,” she pressed on. “I’ve already told you: you are incredible, and I won’t let you wallow in this kind of negativity. The audition was years ago, and believe me, I’ve seen you get absurdly better in the meantime. Ms. Tibideaux said you showed promise, and that’s good! You did and you do, and you will reach even higher that she could ever imagine.”

Jesse hummed, not entirely convinced but certainly relieved that someone else was eager to vouch for his talent. He knew he was good (okay, very good), but that didn’t mean he wasn’t, from time to time, afraid he’d been deluding himself due to his own arrogance.

“When did you speak with the woman?” Andrea asked.

“She was here to see Rachel perform. And when I went and told her she shouldn’t let Rachel slip through her fingers, she remembered me and made a list of all the flaws in my audition. Lovely experience, really,” Jesse said, with a bitter chuckle.

“Aw, you put in a good word for Rachel—that’s so sweet! Did you tell her?”

“I can’t! Are you crazy? She cannot know ever. I don’t deserve her knowing, if anything I owe her.” Jesse replied, his voice half-strangled. (Pathetic.) “Rachel and I bantered for a couple of minutes before the competition, and it almost got me punched by Finn, in addition to giving me some serious doubts about my ability to function properly.” He smiled at the memory. Rachel’s red dress was still incredibly vivid in his mind. “God, Andrea, you should have seen her—she was radiant. I’d ever seen her inhabit the stage so perfectly. She is the one who deserves to take Broadway by storm and who will. She’s a powerhouse, and she’s absurdly talented, and tonight she looked so beautiful with that smile of hers, and then she sang Céline and I couldn’t—”

Jesse heard Andrea exhale, as if ready to answer, but he rambled on, unable—unwilling—to stop now that someone was there to listen to him for once.

“I just—I miss Rachel so much. She earnestly thought I was worth all the fuss. Even with Shelby, it’d always seem like my work was barely acceptable, and that all the trophies were just due to luck and the power of a good routine or something. Which yeah, I guess is true, but—honestly, Andy, except for you, Rachel’s the only person who’d always tell me how much she liked when I performed, and how good I was. I was starved—I am starved for that, Andy. D’you know my grades improved while I was in Lima with her? I actually had to study, and I wasn’t half bad at it. All thanks to her. God knows why she stayed with me after the initial razzle-dazzle, because she was way better that I could ever deserve. And she definitely deserved more than yours fucking truly,” Jesse spat out.

“And I guess she will have it,” he continued, barely taking time to breathe, “since she’s getting married soon to Finn. And sure, I hate him and he hates me, but I can see how Rachel looks at him, and he looks at her the same way. I mean, he’s a rhythmically-challenged dumbass, but I can’t deny he makes her happy—that’s the truly important thing. I ruined everything, and I know I’d never be able to make her feel that way. I think Rachel could really be the one, you know? I feel it in my bones, I’ll never be as happy with anyone else as I was with her… But it doesn’t matter. All that matters is Rachel won’t have a fuckup like me beside her, who’d just end up wiping her wonderful smile away.”

Jesse had to stop—his throat was aching due to the strain of putting one coherent word after another, of trying to talk as fast as his inner turmoil demanded. Tears were escaping his eyes and running down his cheeks and in his hair. He didn’t care that he was crying, though: he already felt like an utter failure, another embarrassing thing wouldn’t change anything. Besides, it was nice, having a friend listen to him while he moped and pined. Crying is good, right? It helps get the toxins and the sadness out, doesn’t it? A good cry and I’ll stop feeling like shit—

“Oh, Jesse…” Andrea whispered after a beat, and that shattered Jesse’s attempts at regaining his composure—he started sobbing uncontrollably, burying himself more and more under the duvet.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me that?” Andrea asked, softly. “God, Jesse, I wish I was there to hug you. Believe me, though, Rachel is right—everything she told you and everything she thinks about you is true. You’ve had a lot of shitty people in your life, but never for a second doubt that Rachel was sincere and saying things as they are. You’re brilliant and very talented, whether you believe it or not,” Andrea added, in a decisive tone that drew a wet smile from Jesse, “and no amount of Shelby or Ms. Tibideaux or your asshole of a father can claim otherwise. All that hard work and dedication… you do deserve the world, Jesse.”

Calming his breath enough to answer took Jesse a moment—his gratefulness to Andrea and his longing for Rachel were a killer combination, and he didn’t want to start bawling again.

“Thank you, Andy,” he finally managed to say. “I just wish I’d made fewer mistakes, you know? Maybe then I wouldn’t always feel like such a failure, maybe I wouldn’t be so lonely all the time and it wouldn’t hurt this much… I know things between me and Rachel probably won’t ever be mended, but gosh what I wouldn’t give to sing with her on a real stage, to have a partner that inspires me to be better and lets me share the spotlight with her.” Jesse exhaled shakily, willing himself to not cry until he had finished talking. “It’s too late now, though, and it’s all my fault, no point in denying that. I just wish for her to be as wonderful and captivating as she was tonight, forever—she lit up the whole place. I really hope I didn’t make an ass of myself with Ms. Tibideaux, and that Rachel’s dreams will come true. No, scratch that: I know they will. I just pray I’ll be able to get a glimpse of her happy as can be.”

Andrea’s silence at the other end of the line was almost deafening, but Jesse pressed on, feeling that he’d never have another chance (nor the nerve) to admit to it all out loud.

“Sorry for the rant, Andy. We lost Nationals and it hurts like hell, but it will pass—it’s going to be a nifty addition to the You’re A Failure pile, though,” Jesse mused, with a self-deprecating chuckle. “I have no idea what my plans for the future are going to be, after Carmel High parts ways with me. I guess I could finally try and go to New York for real. It’s just that, you know, seeing Rachel again really threw me for a loop, even after all this time, and I’m not sure why—”

“It’s love, Jesse,” Andrea interjected. “The way you talk about Rachel—you love her.”

Jesse inhaled sharply. Repeating that to himself was one thing, but hearing someone else say it so matter-of-factly felt real, definitive. (Scary.) “Hurray for me, then,” he muttered, at a loss for words to describe how his heart was ablaze, dismayed, and longing at the same time.

“I really hope you and Rachel will put your cracked pieces back together, Jesse,” Andrea said, sounding softer than she did at any other point in the phone call. “You both deserve a great life, and to have your talents shine—you and her alongside each other? Musical theater won’t ever be prepared, let me tell you.”

“Thank you, Andy.” Jesse’s eyes had filled with tears once again, and he’d once again buried himself under the duvet, in hopes of preventing the onslaught of painful memories he was sure would come. But it was no use—he thought back to Rachel singing, and a loud sob escaped his lips. Tears started falling freely down his cheeks and neck, reaching his hair and the collar of his shirt. “I wish. I’m not sure I believe that, but god, I wish.”

[seriouslyblacklikemysoul]

An Ephemeral Eternity in Seven Parts - Steve Rogers x Reader

MASTERLIST Warnings: Gifs aren’t mine. My English. Also, last sentence - well, maybe it’s the start of something new.  Word Count~ 7k.  Part I Part II Part III Part IV Part V Part VI PART  VII

 The melancholic notes of the guitar accompanied her soft and broken voice in a song that reminded very much of a lamentation of her past, her present and her future.

 Everything she touched, begun to decay. Everyone she loved, had only ended up unloved, depressed, addicted or alone. It had made her wonder if she was the one; if she was the wolf dressed as the little red riding hood. What if everyone around her was simply a helpless sheep and to prowl for her next meal she clothed herself in love and kindness, only to poison those closest to her until they are damaged beyond repair. She could only ever ruin so many relationships before she understood that the devil lived inside of her making her a toxic landfill disguised in fake beautiful grass and flowers - she had never been afraid of the monster in her closet, she had always been terrified by the one she saw in the mirror.  She didn't remember which night it was - the one she left, like a thief, not making a sound, knowing that he heard her. It made her decision easier when he didn't even try to stop her. It was selfish - he had been badly broken too. She felt the failure calling out her name - she couldn't make it better for him because she was a mess. She had lost herself and she wasn't sure she wasn't sure she wanted to be found. And so she left. She took a few clothes with her and left.  She had no solid plan for her days ahead. She couldn't find a point to it. She had wandered aimlessly when she found herself in a small city that did not speak English. She had smiled painfully to herself. A stranger among strangers. 

Not long after her decision to stay there for a while, she had to find a way to earn some money in order to get by. The kind old lady, who had helped her with almost everything, seeing in her face the granddaughter she had lost just mere weeks before she turned up in her door - since she was one of the very few people who spoke English -  had offered her a job she thought it would suit her. There was a small place where those who stayed behind went to drink and listen to old and soft songs about loss, love and pain. They were missing a singer. She had thought why not.  Isabella had been nothing but kind and sweet, just like a real grandmother - not that she had met one.  "Grief is a deeply personal and solitary journey. No one can truly feel or understand your loss but you, even those who have experienced it themselves. But grief is also love, and for that reason it has a right to exist and be felt. It is the debt we owe our memories. It is the final way we love someone" she had soothed her after the first time she heard her sing. There was pain in her voice, even when she sung in Spanish. She had never believed it would cost her everything. Yet, it did. 

 Months flew by as she had fallen into a simple yet so human routine. Many handsome men had threw themselves to her but she had closed herself, letting no one in. She had lost people along the way. She had left others behind. She had cut them out of her life, sometimes uncertain if it was the right decision. Looking back, she had done things she might have regretted now. This quieter life she had now was closer to the one she had been dreaming the cold nights that she had been held by HYDRA or trained by Madam B. She couldn't sake the feeling that something was missing - she was different and she hadn't ever realized. The girl from her past wasn't the woman she had grown to be.  "Hay un hombre guapo buscándote, cariño" Isabella suddenly told her, making her slightly jump from the couch she had been seated for at least two hours, starring at the wall. Seeing her lost eyes, Isabella sat down next to her and took her hands in hers.  "Listen, cariño. Love transcends gender, age, political beliefs; it crosses borders. It’s literally the strongest motivator and force we have. It makes people do things they can’t explain. And it comes in all forms and it comes when you least expect it and it comes and it goes and it changes and people have spent years and wrote books and studied the stars trying to understand it. And sometimes it’s the boy you called over to get over,  the boy you were crying about and sometimes it’s the girl you grew up next door to your whole life and sometimes it’s a friend who saved your soul or a baby you didn’t expect. But it’s all around us in forms yet to be manifested- letters yet to be written, hands yet to be held. And all goodness stems from it and it literally changes the world. So even though it sometimes causes us pain and it drags us into situations we didn’t ask for, we can never close ourselves off to it or give up on it. We have to keep loving because it’s the closest thing we have to magic and without it we’re just a conscious pile of bones and life means nothing. Ve hacia el" and just like that, from the mouth of someone who used to be a stranger, the entire meaning of life and love and pain was summed up into a minute of hope. Isabella had lost her son and her granddaughter, everyone she ever loved and yet, there she was telling her to embrace life with its bad and its good. Tears she had no idea when they escaped, were running down her face. "Mi bella Isabella, gracias por tu sabiduría. Gracias por tu amor. But if I go to him, I'll leave you and I can't do that to you" she told her truthfully. Isabella just shook her head and smiled.  "I'll always be here. Go to him, cariño". She kissed her cheek and hugged her as tightly as she would love to be hugged. She had been everything she was missing.

 As the song went on, her eyes fell on him - he had just entered the place. And every memory she kept tacked away, came back rushing through her veins. In her head, she could hear Isabella's words but her heart just didn't want to get hurt again. She knew the moment he talked to her, she would succumb her entire being to his hands. 

War was the only dance he had ever known and she wished they could have had more time amid the chaos and fire and blood to show him that there could be another way. She fell in love with the way he saw the world, the way he saw her... She fell in the chasm of his soul and his light. She would gladly drown in the darker half of the sea to hold him in her arms for more than just that single night of peace. She had been aware that they had met and they had loved in a warzone and even though his kisses had melted away the gunfire, they still held echoes of the fire burning in him but she knew hers were the same. He had been worth the risk time and time again because with his hand burning into her skin, she had hope once more ... and the blood that had stained him couldn't take away his goodness and the stars that had betrayed him, didn't mean she forsaken her devotion. There had always been a rage built inside their souls, just like this love was worthy of burning empires down ... screams that follow them all the way home only to be quieted when she kissed the blood from his lips... and even when the universe will force them to part he will remain, echoing in her heart that only belonged to him. She knew that they were the ugly parts of the love story but she also knew they were the beautiful ones too. The song came to an end and she went to the table she held every night, the one far away from the lights and the people. Eyes never leaving his, she nodded for him to join her, as she poured herself a glass of red wine. He had never been so afraid of a moment and its impact. He had no idea what to say to her or how to be around her, when she poured and offered him another glass of wine.  "I didn't know you could sing" he told her before he hid his face in his hands, only to resurface as red as a tomato. She tried to swallow her laughter but failed.  "You're still not good with women, Steve" and just by saying his name, her heart places itself in his hands. He smiled brightly even though he had messed up his opening line, it had worked out. She was sipping her wine with a fondness he had never seen before. Maybe leaving was the best thing she had done - and he would be selfish to ask her back. Again. Not leaving her alone, to decide her own path. He needed her in a way he hadn't needed anyone since...  "I will come back Steve. But I need you to promise me that we will search and search over and over again for a way to undo this -and if we don't find one it will be because there isn't, not because we overlooked it" she told him boldly with her eyes a soft lilac color, as she looked over her shoulder, signaling to someone to approach them He was taken aback. He believed that she wouldn't even want to talk about what had happened. He had seen the way Bucky had looked at her before he... and he had already suspected his feelings towards her. Steve knew it had a great impact on her - not that it had been the only reason for her breakdown. After realizing her new powers she had refused to use them because they were the reason half of the planet was dead. He looked at her with a new found admiration - she was the bigger person.  "Of course. May I ask why?" he prepared himself to hear a reason he wouldn't like, instead, his heart broke a little bit more.  She smiled and stood up to give her sit to an old woman he had never seen before. It was the first time Steve saw this side of her.  "Isabella, este es Steve. Ese hombre guapo que me estaba buscando" she spoke in Spanish making him question if he knew her at all. Isabella took his hands into hers and looked at him just like his mother would have, which caused some tears to appear. They got to know each other and he realized that she had never felt the love of a family - and she craved it. When Isabella said her goodnight, having already invited him to spend the night in her house, she grew quiet. She knew he was waiting for an answer. "She is the reason why. She lost everything - her son, her granddaughter - and yet she hasn't lost hope. She told me to live life with everything that comes with it and embrace it because it's all we got.  She is the reason I am talking to you. She told me 'go to him' because love is the closest thing we have to magic and I couldn't just tell her I have magic running through my veins but couldn't save her family" she said with fire in her words and determination pouring over her. 

It felt wrong. Being back, felt wrong. She had followed him once again, but this time she hadn't found the people she had last time. She felt out of time – as if she didn’t belong. No one was waiting for her; Natasha was broken and Tony was nowhere near the place. Maybe she had been naïve for trusting him again; deep down she knew the only thing they had been left with was bitterness. She spent her days reading, training and trying out different things. Steve had an unhealthy need to fill Sam’s shoes as he had begun some group session. The irony was obvious to her; He was telling them, urging them to move on while he would never. She had seen as much in his eyes when they were talking about his past and the beginnings of his story – way before he became Captain America. There was one particular story he didn’t feel like sharing and she understood why – but also bothered her. She had kept her promise and had searched everything in order to find a way to undo this. She had spent days and nights looking for an answer. There had been times she felt so useless she wouldn’t get out of her room – nobody dared to disagree with her on those days. Slowly yet steadily, Steve and her grew distant and she felt as if they were miles apart even when they were sitting right next to each other. Being positive had never been one of her assets and that fake optimism Steve had, got on her nerves. Then again, maybe it was just his way of coping with the events. She had found herself longing to leave the base and go back to Isabella’s house more than enough times to realize that she never felt at home in the Avenger’s base. And the years flew by without even noticing it. The only thing new must had been the fact that she met Carol, a woman with many of her own powers and a life experience to match them. Other than that, Natasha had been obsessing over Clint – who had gone dark after his family disappearance. She could never say that all of those people had died – they had just dusted away. Which was the same and she had been fooling herself for a very long time. Steve had been the positive fucking little unicorn in front of others but he was so lost when they were alone. A raccoon was sending them emails with reports and Nebula wanted to get revenge a tad more than all of them combined.  She knew things were bound to be different, but she couldn’t recognize anything anymore. She had been drifted away from those around her because she didn’t feel a connection to them anymore – the only thing they had in common was anger. She had just made a cup of coffee when Steve walked in, finding Natasha on the verge of crying as he went on about the bright side, but Nat wasn’t having it. She just plopped down next to Natasha, smiling towards Steve without even bothering to listen to their conversation but her eye caught something. Something unexpected. “Oh! Hi. Hi! Is anyone home? This is Scott Lang. We met a few years ago, at the airport? In Germany? I got really big, and I had my mask on. You wouldn't recognize me” Scott Lang was rumbling on at their front gate. Before she could register their reactions, she had buzzed him in and left the room running towards him. “Have you ever studied Quantum Physics?” Scott asked them a moment later. “Only to make conversation” came a sarcastic answer by Natasha, which didn’t bring him down. “Alright. So... five years ago, right before Thanos, I was in a place called the Quantum Realm. The Quantum Realm is like its own microscopic universe. To get in there, you have to be incredibly small. Hope, she's my... She was my... She was supposed to pull me out. And then Thanos happened, and I got stuck in there” he said while he was struggling not to tell the entire truth about their relationship. “I'm sorry. That must've been a very long five years” Natasha sincerely told him only to be shocked when he replied the most unbelievable thing. “Yeah, but that's just it. It wasn't. For me, it was five hours”. Steve and Nat shared a quick bewildered glance, while she had figured it out, because she had indeed studied Quantum Physics. “See, the rules of the Quantum Realm aren't like they are up here. Everything is unpredictable. Is that anybody's sandwich? I'm starving” Scott said as he strode over to pick up Nat's sandwich, and bit into it. “Scott, what are you talking about?” Steve asked him confused and puzzled. “What he is saying is, time works differently in the Quantum Realm” she chimed in, gaining a strange look from Steve and a very impressed one from Scott. “The only problem is right now, we don't have a way to navigate it. But what if we did? I can't stop thinking about it. What if, we could somehow control the chaos, and we could navigate it? What if there was a way to enter the Quantum Realm at a certain point in time but then exit at another point in time? Like...” he went on. “Like before Thanos” she half-whispered. “Wait, are you two talking about a time machine?” Steve asked as he couldn’t believe his ears. “No. No, of course not. No, not a time machine. It's more like a... Yeah, a time machine. I know it's crazy. But I can't stop thinking about it. There's gotta be some way... There's gotta be...some w... it's crazy” his craziness was making her head dizzy. She knew they would have to talk to her father, sooner or later. She hoped it would be later but that was not gonna the case. “Scott, I get e-mails from a raccoon, so nothing sounds crazy anymore” Nat reassured him. “So who do we talk to about this?” Scott cut to the chase and everyone looked at her. 

They pulled over at his cabin and one by one got out of the car. Tony looked at them and she could tell that he was not looking forward to the discussion about to take place. He acknowledged her with a single hey, and so she decided to let them talk in peace while she was gazing at the lake from afar. "I know you got a lot on the line. You got a wife, a daughter. But I lost someone very important to me. A lot of people did. And now, now we have a chance to bring her back. To bring everyone back. And you're telling me that won't even... “ his voice got louder as he tried to sell his desperation to Tony. “That's right, Scott, I won't even. I got a kid” Tony simply told them, making her remark. “Yeah, now he’s got a kid” she retorted, making him realize what he had just said. As on cue, Morgan run to her dad, who picked her up. “Mommy told me to come and save you. And to tell to the pretty girl to stay a while” Morgan told him as she pointed at his other daughter. “Good job. I'm saved. I wish you'd come here to ask me something else. Anything else. Honestly, I... I missed you guys, it was... Oh, and table's set for six” he went on and informed them. “Tony, I get it. And I'm happy for you, I really am. But this is a second chance” Steve tried to reason with him but she already knew he wasn’t gonna give up just yet. He had to solve it on his own. “I got my second chance right here, Cap. I can't roll the dice again. If you don't talk shop, you can stay for lunch. And you should stay for a while” he concluded as he turned to face her. She smiled at him. She was going to stay a while and Steve saw it. It was hard to say goodbye but unfortunately it had become easier with the years. Steve, Nat and Scott were walking back to their car outside Tony's house as she was stepping inside, hugging Pepper. She could feel him slipping away from her life but she didn’t know how to keep him there – well, she didn’t even know if he wanted to be there anymore.

The day had been quiet, Pepper was an amazing mother and Tony was trying to be a great dad but he knew that he had failed once before, so he wasn’t hoping for much. They had lunch and she met Morgan a bit better. The kid was smart, but that didn’t come as a surprise, it was rather a given. “So how do you two know each other?” she asked suspiciously as she eyed her. Tony almost chocked but she kept her calm, as she was sipping a glass of wine. “We used to work together for a project, sweetie” she smoothly told her without raising any suspicion and even thought Tony felt relieved, Pepper shoot him an angry look, making him nod his head as if they made a promise. “You’re an Avenger!” Morgan exclaimed, excited with her new discovery. But before she could say a thing, Morgan begun asking questions – more questions than anyone before, leaving her stumped. “Honey, come on. Don’t bombard her with your questions. Wanna help me with dessert?” Pepper came to the rescue quickly and she couldn’t be more thankful. Silence fell and it was awkward because no one was going to break it first and Pepper knew as she said louldy "talk". Both of them rolled their eyes at that. "She is smart, that's from your side and she is beautiful - that's all Pepper" she commented shortly after. He almost laughed at her quick comeback.  "How are you? How are things back?" he asked her sincerely, trying to make up for all the lost time. She shook her head, not wanting to lie. Something he understood very well.  "Let me guess. You have been drifted away from people, especially Steve" he made a wild guess and he knew he was right. She stopped hiding her feelings. "Everything I thought I had is no longer. That's why I came here with them. They are asking you to be a hero and save the world. I just wanted to ask you a favor. A while back, I... I left and went -" "To a nice lady called Isabella, who lost her son and granddaughter" he finished her sentence for her, leaving her puzzled. "What? Did you really think I wasn't looking after you?" he asked her. "Well, you left to start a family and didn't even call, so... um. I should have" she concluded at last. He disagreed with her. She had stayed there, not to ask him to fight with them, but to help her find a way, because she knew that there was going to be o return for him and she wanted Morgan to have both of her parents and to feel loved. One of his daughters should. 

She was just watching him work from the couch as she was drinking a hot cup of tea. “Look at a mod inspiration, let me see what check out. So, recommend one last sim before we pack it in for the night” he gave orders to his computer. “Maybe in the shape of a mobius strip, inverted, don’t you think?” she commented as she took a look to the holographic experiment. He agreed with an impressed look. “Do as the lady suggests” he informed Friday. “Processing... “ “Give me that eigenvalue. That, particle factoring, and a spectral decomp. That will take a second” he had just stepped away, towards the couch but it was not to be. “And don't worry if it doesn't pan out. I'm just kinda –“ “Model rendered” Friday announced sending waves of bewilderments down her spine. Tony in a complete shock of amazement as the render came back as 99.987% successful, fell back ecstatic by this discovery. “Shit!” they both exclaimed at the same time. “Shit” Morgan giggled as she repeated the word they had just uttered. Tony took on the father roll quicker than she had thought as he nodded to her to take care of everything that had just been projected while he took Morgan away. They had solved time travel. They had actually found out how to go back in time. Her mind was blown away just by looking at it. As she was walking around the holographic model, Pepper came down the stairs looking for her. “You should rest honey. It’s late” she told her like a mother would. She smiled at her and waited for Tony to get back. “Maybe it’s not” she told her, leaving her puzzled. They both sat on the couch, Pepper reading a book and she was just thinking of the endless possibilities. People less lucky than her would get to see the sun again. Isabella’s family. Spider-kid, Wanda, Strange, Bucky. Oh Gods, Bucky. She had tried to forget about him and how much it had affected her. It had been one of the few failures of her life. “Not that it's a competition, but she loves me 3000. You were somewhere on the low 6 to 900 range” Tony announced as he joined them and got Pepper to scoff. “What are you reading?” he asked absentmindedly as she noticed. “Oh, it's just a book on composting” Pepper told him, making her long for a simple life once more. “What's new with composting?” he asked again without really wanting an answer. Before she could, he cut her off. “We figured it out, by the way” he blurred out, pointing at his daughter proudly. “You know, just so we're talking about the same thing –“ Pepper tried to catch up on their new discovery, very happy they were working together. “Time travel” he simply informed like it was nothing. “What? Wow... That's amazing, and... terrifying. Oh, that’s why you told me maybe it’s not late” she told him amazed as she turned to her still very much astonished. “We got really lucky” she commented and both of them agreed. “Yeah, I know” her father said a tad sad. “A lot of people didn't” Pepper softly nudged him. “No, I can't help everybody” he tried to be civilized and open for debate about it. “It sorta seems like you can. Both of you” his wife disagreed. “Not if I stop. I can put a pin in it right now, and stop” he insisted but they all new what was about to happen. “Tony, trying to get you to stop has been one of the few failures of my life” Pepper echoed her thought from moments ago. Tony smiled proudly about that very fact. “I sometimes feel I should put it in a locked box and drop it at the bottom of a lake... go to bed” he had almost given up on saying no. He wasn’t able to deny that she was right. “But would you be able to rest?” her soft voice pierced through his head. “And neither would you. I know that you left at some point because the memories were too much” she told her with honesty. She couldn’t believe how selfless Pepper was being about something so dangerous. “Come on, kiddo. It’s time to sleep. Tomorrow we are gonna go on a trip” Tony urged his daughter. She could get use to that. “Goodnight Pepper. Goodnight To-… dad” she finally told him, making him smile in pure happiness for the first time in a while.  

The whole world was changing and she had been a part of that very fact. Every plan, every strategy and every theory had been mapped out but she knew that sometimes, even the cleverest of minds can miss a point – so small that no one could have seen. Wanda was trying destroy Thanos, having cost everything to her, Scott and Hope were trying to kick start the engine of the van and everyone was trying to get the gauntlet as far away as possible, without it being very easy of a task. 

Pepper landed next to Okoye, followed by Mantis, Shuri, the Wasp, Gamora, Nebula and herself much to everyone else’s opinion – they all thought she was going to be right by Steve. Thanos' army charged while they helped Carol Danvers gey through the Outriders, Sakaarans and Chitauri. When Carol and she flew towards the van with the Gauntlet, Thanos, after being stopped by Pepper, Shuri and Hope, threw his double sword at the van, destroying it completely. He knocked Carol down and smacked Tony away as Thor arrived in an attempt to pin Thano’s arm down – Steve came rushing towards them, helping Thor but they were all overpowered. In a desperate attempt, when she saw Thanos picking up the gauntlet she punched him away. Thanos grabbed her by the arm and threw her away like she weighted nothing. Thanos put on the gauntlet, gamma radiation from the stones all over his body, as he tried to snap, but she arose again, and stopped his fingers from snapping, opening up his hand similar to what she had seen Steve doing in the other battle. She almost had him, forcing him onto his knees, as her powers were finally enough, she was ready to steal the stones herself. She knew she could take them on – she was part of them and they were part of her. But alas, he pulled the Power Stone out of the Gauntlet and used it in his free hand to hit her away, almost killing her in the prosses. Tony was looking at his daughter terrified and too scared to think of what might happen. He made one last attack on Thanos, having an entirely different plan on his mind. Thanos pushed him away, ending up right next to his older daughter. All it took was one look and she knew – before she could anything at all, everything was already over. “I am inevitable” Thanos snapped his fingers, but nothing happened. He saw that the stones were missing. “NO!” she screamed but Tony simply smiled at her. s except a metallic "clink." He sees the Infinity Stones are missing.

“And I– am– Iron Man”.

The cruelest thing that someone had done to her was first claim to love her more than anything in the world. That he had never seen anything as exquisite as her. That she was every star in the night sky. That he would never leave her. And then one day, out of the blue he did. He lulled her into a false sense of security, convincing her that this, this is the forever love she have been looking for. This is the kind of love she needed all this time, the kind of love she had craved and let her get comfortable in it because it would last. And then, one day, he walked away. He made her believe that there would never be another. And then one day, he forgot her. He simply left without warning after promising her eternity. How ephemeral it turned out to be... It had been years since he came back. Not him - not her Steve. Peggy's Steve. She had refused to meet him - she had refused to even look at him, or be in the same building. She felt betrayed. She had lost Natasha as she had sacrificed herself to get the fucking Soul Stone. She had lost her father and that felt on her - she still felt responsible. And then Steve had decided to leave her all alone to fight her demons after constantly reassuring her he loved her.  But he caught her by surprise, when he entered her office, as she was now in charge of everything her father once held - Morgan was too young and Pepper wanted some time off with her daughter. He knocked the door, waited for her to call him in and he entered. She had been facing the other way, on a phone call but the minute she turned and faced him, her phone fell on the floor and her heart skipped more beats than she could count. "Hello, Ms.. Stark. Do you have a minute for an old friend?" he was being polite as well as sarcastic but her mind had already imploded, so what the fuck? Gaining some of her confidence back, she raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms.  "We were never friends, Mr. Rogers" she fired coldly but he knew her better and she hated it. He looked at her and all it took was a moment. He too raised his eyebrow and walked towards her with absolutely no intention of leaving. Before she could register his acts, he had enveloped her in to his big hug and she felt so fucking angry - it still felt like home. Without even knowing it, she was crying with her head almost resting on his chest.  "It’s weird. It’s weird how you have the same face but you’re a completely different person. It’s weird how I have so many amazing memories with you but they died off as you’re a completely different person. It’s weird that I’m mourning over someone that is still alive because you’re a completely different person. It’s weird, you’re a completely different person. And I hate you for leaving me, but I can never really hate you because I love you" she told him as he sat them down to her couch. She left his arms to look at him. She lowered her walls and finally opened up to him again.  "If I could do it all again, I would stay up later. I would ask more questions, unashamed of how personal they were and not afraid that I wouldn’t like the answers. If I could start over with you, I wouldn’t doubt my instincts. I wouldn’t fear what people thought if I catered to your every whim and laughed at every stupid joke. If I could try again, I would embrace every moment of every fight and ask for everything I needed from you. I wouldn’t worry if I was too needy, too attached, too much of anything. I would be myself more. I would scream louder. I wouldn’t hesitated to tell you I love you, in every way, every day. If I could do it again, I would not love you in halting steps always looking for some sort of validation that I was stepping on solid ground. I would jump into you and if you didn’t catch me, then I would still be picking up the same broken pieces I am now" she sincerely told him. She had lost both her friend and her father, both of them in the name of salvation and then Steve choose to leave her and go back. She had refused to exist for a while because she couldn't function. As everything crumbled around her, she had looked for a something to hold on to, but those closest couldn’t hear her amidst their screaming matches. She looked for those who swore to be there during her weakest moment only to see the illusion fade away leaving only crossed fingers, emptiness, and disappointment. She was done searching for someone, when someone did appear.  Without even thinking about it, he wiped a single tear that ran across her cheek. He wasn't her Steve, but those eyes...  "I never believed that I would have felt the way you made me feel after all those years in the ice. I owe you everything. And repaying you in the way I did... I wouldn't have forgiven me if I were you. An apology won't help, I know. For what it’s worth, you will always hold a special place" he told her in tender way that reminded her of their story and more tears found their way out. And he wiped every single one of them. She could tell from the way he hugged her when he saw her. He had kept the silent promise he had made when she was too drunk to remember what she had asked of him. Years had passed since she allowed herself to see him again. After saying a polite hello, they hugged like friends did. But then he squeezed her a little tighter right before he let go. She had almost rested her head on his chest out of habit, because it suddenly felt just like old times. She had thought she'd never be in his embrace again but there they were. They both wanted to hold on tighter but they knew they were different now. But she could tell from the way he hugged her, from the way he held on just a little longer, that somewhere, deep down...  "I missed you too" she smiled at him, a strange but very much wanted feeling of relief washing over her heart. They both knew, no one could stop loving. Once you have loved someone honestly, truly, you will never be able to un-love them. You can only find someone you will love more. At that time, your old love will not feel so strong, but it will always be in your heart, it will never let you forget something that at some point along the way made you happy.  "You hold a special place in someone else's heart too, you know" he commented like a genie. Her eyebrow arched. "Stop playing matchmaker, you old wise owl" she mocked him. At least, she could start again. He still held her face in his hands, he still held a piece of her, he would always be her first love. The bigger the love, the harder the fall. They stayed like that until Bucky walked into her office, looking for her. He narrowed his eyes suspiciously when he saw Steve holding her but he reprimanded himself almost immediately. She saw the way Steve looked up at him and she knew he wanted some alone time him. Leaving his hands was harder than she thought, smiling at all times. "Don't be a stranger, Rogers" she bid him goodbye but his eyes told her this wasn't the last time they would see each other and she found solace. She passed Bucky in her way out, smiling brightly to him, making his eyes sparkle in hope. She had just left the room when she heard Steve being completely honest.

"She is different now. I was too much of a punk to see how beautiful she really was. Her heart was beautiful, she cared so much about me and I never understood why. I don't think I treated her the way she deserves to be treated - but you do. Don't look at me like that, Bucky. I am old, not blind. I can see the way you two look at each other. Back then, her love scared me, it was so intense. I almost forgot how enticing her smile was. She just wasted so many tears on someone like me and for that I will never forgive me" he told his friend but his mind was someplace else. She smiled to herself and finally left them alone. Whatever was to come, she would face it. Finding closure had never been about forgetting. It had never been about drowning out the voices of her past or about closing her heart to memories that used to make you happy. Finding closure meant accepting a situation for what it was and moving on. It was coming to terms with the way things were and knowing that she couldn't change what had happened, but could still find growth among the broken pieces.

 _____

“I am so glad I got my heart broken. It led me to you”. ____

Taglist: @accio-rogers @coffee-with-orion @stydia-4-ever​ @smilexcaptainx​ @elliee1497​

[musingsofsaturn]

Opening Up [Kristanna ‘Waitress’ AU] - Chapter Four

[Masterlist for this fic]

Fandom: Frozen/Frozen II

Ship: Anna/Kristoff

Side Pairings: Anna/Hans, Elsa/Honeymaren, Bulda/Cliff

Chapters: 10/10 [COMPLETE]

Rating: M

This Chapter’s Rating: T for mentions of alcoholism

This Chapter’s Word Count: 1,900+

Summary:  Waitress and baker Anna Westergaard’s life changed forever when she discovered some startling news. Dr Kristoff Bjorgman didn’t anticipate liking his new patients quite as much as he did. For better or worse, the residents of the small town of Småby Bend were about to be changed forever.

Author’s Note: Hi folks, apologies for leaving it so long between chapters - it's been a bit of a manic weekend! (The exact reason I never set scheduled upload days - life has a habit of getting in the way!) I hope this chapter is worth the wait. Thank you so much for your support on this so far, It's always greatly appreciated! :)

~ Saturn

[Photo from Serious Eats. The recipe to accompany this chapter is Green Chilli Chocolate Pie. Looks yummy!]

The waiting room’s seats were hard and cold, and Anna found herself reflecting on how unwelcoming that felt as a patient. She was feeling nervous about what the upcoming appointment might reveal about the health of her and her baby, and her mind raced with apprehensive thoughts of what was to come with the pregnancy, and eventual child. The last thing she needed right now was an uncomfortable chair.

“Anna Westergaard?” Kristoff’s voice snapped her out of her thoughts, and she got to her feet to follow him.

As they settled into their respective seats, Anna basked in the feeling of friendly familiarity she found herself experiencing with him. He’d been coming into The Snøffnug Café at least once a week for a slice of pie, cup of coffee, and a quick chat with Anna and the other two waitresses. Even Cliff had begun to give the doctor a friendly greeting and occasional discount when he visited.

“How are you doing today, Anna?” he asked her, friendly but professional.

“I’m doing alright. I feel good, no uncomfortable symptoms. Well, a little bit of morning sickness, but it’s not severe or anything.”

He nodded as he quickly typed up some notes on her answer. “The sonographer at the hospital forwarded me a copy of your scan – did you decide to find out the sex or are you keeping it as a surprise?”

“I don’t want to know,” Anna replied. “I just call it- uh, them ‘baby’.” Her hand subconsciously made its way to her belly, where a small bump was beginning to surface, just little enough for it to still be her secret, though she knew that would soon change.

“Alright, ‘baby’ it is.” His eyes were twinkling with the knowledge of a secret, and Anna couldn’t help but smile. “If you could just hop on the bed for me, and I’ll have a quick measure so we can see how baby’s growing.”

No one would have ever accused Anna of being graceful, and she demonstrated that perfectly as she clumsily mounted the bed. She tried not to move the paper that had been placed down on it, and as a result her movements looked as awkward as they felt. Kristoff was kind enough to pretend not to notice, but Anna couldn’t help but grimace inwardly.

To distract herself from the embarrassment she felt, Anna found herself asking, “So what made you transfer to Småby Bend anyway? You’ve never said.”

Kristoff had just turned to her after rummaging in his desk drawers for a tape measure, and Anna noticed the flicker of hesitation that came across his features. He quickly recovered though, and she thought she might have made it up.

“Oh, it’s kind of a long story. I’ll try to give you the Sparknotes version.” They shared a grin, and he quickly asked her permission to lift her top so he could measure her tummy. She consented, and he went on, “I, uh, I’m actually married. I don’t wear the ring anymore because we’re… separated, I guess? We got married just after I qualified, so like two years ago. Which is a very short time to be married, but apparently long enough for her to realise that she’d actually rather be with someone else, so…”

Anna kept silent as he spoke. His hands on her stomach were warm, and ever so gentle as he carefully measured the small bump from top to bottom. She felt her heart beating faster as he leaned in close to read the numbers on the tape measure. Nervously, she suppressed that feeling as far to the back of her mind as she possibly could.

“I didn’t even see it coming.” He laughed, but there was a great sadness in it. “She just came home from work one day, told me she didn’t love me anymore, and that she was leaving me to be with her best friend.”

In a whisper, Anna let out a soft: “I am so sorry.”

He shook his head. “Don’t be. It was for the best. She’s happier now than she ever was with me, and it’s better to have split up early than to keep up a façade for decades. But I couldn’t stay where we’d started to build a life together, so I went looking for a new job, and it turned out that Småby Bend was in need of a doctor, so here I am!” He paused, glancing up at her in a way that made her think that he was debating whether or not to carry on. “I like it here. It’s a beautiful little town, and it’s got everything I need. The people here are… really lovely as well.” Anna couldn’t ignore the warmth in his expression, but she dismissed the notion that it was for her.

“For what it counts, I’m glad you ended up here.” She meant it.

Standing upright, Kristoff cleared his throat. “Baby’s growing perfectly. Just the size I’d expect them to be at this stage.” He turned around so she could readjust her top to cover her tummy up again, and she heard him typing up something into her notes once more. When he finished, he reached for a blood pressure cuff and turned back to her. “We can take your blood pressure while you’re still lying down, it’s easier for you.”

Not for the first time, Anna recognised how respectful and caring he was towards her. Of course, he was a doctor, so it was to be expected, but she still appreciated how he respected her body and her privacy, and wanted to make these appointments as non-invasive and easy as possible. Her instincts had told her the first time she met him that he was someone she was safe with. Maybe it was that sense of safety, or the idea that she had to reciprocate his honesty, but she started to speak.

“Hans wasn’t always a drinker. We started dating in high school, so obviously he wasn’t drinking then. I’d had a crush on him for years; he was so handsome, and sweet, and funny.” She smiled to herself. “When he asked me out, I thought I was so happy that I thought I was going to faint. He was so nice to me, you wouldn’t believe. My mama died when I was sixteen, and he was right there to support me through it. What teenage boy can take that responsibility?

“Did you know Småby Bend used to have a cloth manufacturer? It was a factory for knitting wools and fleeces and stuff for blankets.” Kristoff nodded that he knew what she was referring to, and Anna went on, “Hans worked there after graduation, six days a week for seven whole years. It paid for our wedding, for the house, and all the little things we needed. And I worked in the café, just to keep myself busy more than anything.

“The businesses that used the factory’s supplies weren’t happy with their profit margins, though. Not only could they get the same material cheaper from elsewhere, but we’re so ‘middle of nowhere’ that we were really hard for them to get to so they could pick up their stuff. So more and more companies stopped buying from Småby Bend, and eventually they just closed the factory altogether.

“We’d only been married for two months, but after that, Hans was miserable. He felt useless, like a failure, and he used to have a drink every night to take the edge off his worrying. Then he started drinking through the day too, and now I think he drinks more beers than he does water.”

Kristoff hadn’t moved while she was telling him all this, but he carefully stepped towards her now to begin sliding the blood pressure cuff up her arm.

“It’s been four years since the factory closed. Now he’s got a job at the garage, but he still drinks every day. Sometimes I think that he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to anymore. It makes him angry. The world makes him angry; he feels lost, and not himself, I can tell. And I make him angry sometimes. Some of the things I say, or do, just… I piss him off. I don’t mean to, but I do.”

She was finished, and she knew that Kristoff picked up on that, although he didn’t say anything. In silence, he filled the cuff with air, before taking the reading and going to write it down.

“Your- the reading suggests that your blood pressure is a little low,” he said eventually. “It shouldn’t be too serious, but just to make you aware.”

“Okay, thank you,” she answered politely. She didn’t like this new way they were speaking to each other. It felt so professional, so distant. “I brought you a pie,” she told him at last. “‘Death by Chilli Chocolate’. It’s a new recipe I’m testing out, so I want to know what you think of it.”

“I’ll be sure to stop by with my critiques.” He smiled at her, and she basked in the warmth of it. “That’s it for today, you can hop down whenever you’re ready.”

She got up quickly, too quickly. The dizziness hit her like a sack of bricks, and she felt herself losing her balance. The ground seemed to be galloping up towards her as the room spun, and she cried out as she realised that she was falling.

Strong arms on her own helped her to regain her balance. Kristoff’s grip was firm as he steadied her, and her dizziness slowly receded as he held her upright. She looked up at his face, meeting his concerned gaze as she came back to herself.

“Are you alright?” he asked worriedly.

“I’m fine. Thank you.” She made no move to step away from him, and neither did he.

They could have pretended that they stayed that close for that long simply because they were concerned. He could say that he was keeping hold of her to make sure she was fully recovered before he let go. She could have said that she still felt dizzy, and she needed his strength to steady her.

But that wouldn’t have explained why his hand went to her face, gently brushing aside a piece of hair that had come loose when she lost her balance. That gentleness was magnetic to Anna. She stepped closer to him, so close she could feel his breath on her.

“Anna,” he murmured, “You deserve so much more than a husband who doesn’t realise how lucky he is to have you.”

She didn’t reply. She didn’t even think. Instead, she moved her hands to his shoulders, rising to tip-toe even as he leaned down towards her. Kristoff’s hand cupped her face and his arm wrapped around her waist, pressing her closer to him and making butterflies flutter in her stomach. Her heart was pounding, and the room was spinning for an entirely different reason than before. It felt as though every moment in her life had been leading to this one, here, with her leaning in desperately to kiss Kristoff Bjorgman.

A knock on the door caused them to jump apart mere milliseconds before their lips met.

“Come in,” Kristoff called, startled but recovering now that they were separate.

A nurse opened the door, and Anna didn’t hear a word they said as she fumbled with her bag, placing the cake tin she’d brought for him on his desk. Her fingers were shaking as she buttoned up her coat, and when the nurse left, she all but ran from the room.

Next Chapter

[scav-eng-er]

“If Nothing Else, We Have This.”  TROS Alternate Ending Part 1/?

OOOO I FINISHED IT (well the first part) of how TROS should’ve ended in my opinion. It will be in multiple parts because I didn’t realize how long it would actually be. Also in this story, nothing has happened to Leia until our good boi comes back, which will make more sense in the next part. Thank you!

This is dedicated to my amazing new love of my life, my reylomate @reylo-trash-4ever who literally GASSED ME UP so much for this story that she told @mojona1999 who also is my sweet bean. Thank you for ranting with me my dears.

She couldn’t help it. It was as if every being, every fiber in her body was telling her to do it. And she had no problem obeying. His lips were soft and so full, his warmth transferring to hers made her feel whole, complete, and at peace. Rey’s other half had found it’s way back to her. Ben was holding her against his chest, his heart, his soul and she never wanted to be pulled from him again. After defeating Palpatine, Rey had felt her world go black. She was exhausted, torn apart by the power inside her. She remembered collapsing, too tired to notice her heart stop beating. Next thing she knew, it was like she woke up from sleeping and found herself held in the arms of Ben. She could see the moment his eyes met hers. They were warm and curious, and searched hers in wonder and hope at this erupting spark between them. Her skin tingled as his fingers caressed the nape of her neck, supporting her recovering body while she examined him. Kylo was gone. Ben came back. Rey wanted to, had to touch him, feel him real and in front of her. Her fingers gently grazed his cheek, warm and alive. Rey couldn’t put into words why she kissed him, but her soul was telling her to do it, go for it. And like a string weaving its way from her heart into his, she knew he had the same feeling, an understanding, and he desired her lips just as much as she did his. She felt her soul leave her body as it danced with his among their entwined lips. Her heart raced in excitement at whatever was to happen after this, she didn’t know. As long as he was by her side, there was nothing they couldn’t do.

Rey pulled away and like a lovestruck little girl, smiled into the eyes of the love of her life. At the realization of what they just did, the two couldn’t help but share a small laugh amongst the dark and decrepit canyon. How foolish and stubborn they both were, to be hiding these feelings for so long. Rey grazed featherlike touches against Ben’s dimples. She loved those dimples, she loved his smile. Seeing his eyes crinkle and feeling his chest huff in giggles was more refreshing than gulping fresh, clean water after scavenging. Rey vowed she would do anything to keep that smile on his face.

And just as quick as it appeared, she saw it fade. His bright smile disappeared and his eyes suddenly became empty. Ben’s body felt heavy and instinctively, Rey protected him as much as she could, bracing his fall back onto the hard, stone ground. Her body was weak, like someone had stolen half of her strength, her determination, her will to live. He was still in her arms.

“No…no no no. Ben?” A gentle shake of his shoulders did nothing.

“No..No! Please, please Ben. You can’t do this!” Rey climbed onto her knees, kneeling over him to find some way, anything she could do to bring him back. She glanced around her surroundings, nothing but the barren land of Exegol. The sounds of blasters and explosions above them were nonexistent as she strained to hear any breathing come from Bens soft lips. Nothing.

She felt her body begin to shake in fear, gasps of air stinging her throat as she tried to hold back tears. Pushing his hair back to see his face, Rey begged, “You can’t leave me here Ben! I just got you back. We’re in this together, remember!”

Her hands clutched against his tunic, his body still warm, but there was no heartbeat beneath her fingers. She sobbed, and through her blurry vision, cried out to nothing in particular.

“Please!” Her screams bounced along the walls of rock and soil. When the world went silent again, Rey took a deep breath, and using whatever strength she had left, focused on her breathing. She closed her eyes, imagining his smile, her heart breaking at never seeing it again.

When her breathing relaxed, Rey began to feel calm again. She had remembered the first time she felt this..peaceful. Her first lesson with Luke. He had shown her how the power of the force is in all things, good and bad, dark and light. Life and death, chaos and peace. It was everywhere and anywhere, touching us, filling us, a part of us. Goosebumps prickled her skin, and she felt as light as a feather. In the darkness of the cave, far from the sounds of war and battle above, Rey called to the force. A silent plead for help. She was still so young, she had so much to learn and didn’t know if there was anything in the force that could help, but she had to try. She felt her mind expand to any dimensions, galaxies and beyond. Past earth, water, mountains and deserts she called out for help. A soft sound trickled out of Reys lips.

“Be with me.”

A warm sensation clasped over Rey’s knuckles. She opened her eyes in shock to find hands, clear hands? They gently sat atop of hers, but she could still see hers, clutched to Ben’s clothing. Her eyes widened to see multiple people surrounding her, glowing in blue hues, transparent. A sense of peace washed over her at seeing them, her tear stricken face lifted in a small smile, hopeful.

To her left, there was a man; young with a mischievous face, but his eyes looked hurt, ashamed, and wise. He briefly glanced at Rey, nodded and focused on the young man before him. A faint scar ran down his right eye and and his locks flared out, similar to Ben’s. His robes were light and dark, mixing into one. His right hand was gloved. Another man stood behind him with a hand on his shoulder. His hair was clean and swept, with a thick beard highlighting his bright eyes. Two small moles on his face were darker, prominent for Rey to see the details in him. Beside him was a beautiful, young woman. She smiled at Rey, but her eyes looked sad as well. Someone so young who may have lost so much, so soon. Too soon. There was something regal about her, that made her almost stand out from the rest. But nothing stood out more than the small green creature to the right of Rey. His small stature put him eye level to her, seeing the details in his face. His ears stood out, pointy and wide. A wrinkled head with age lines and sprouts of hair peaked around. He squinted at her, gave a throaty “hmph” in acknowledgment and continued his work. When Rey looked up at the last spirit, she gasped.

“Master Skywalker?” She questioned.

Luke Skywalker only gave a small smile and knelt beside Rey. He placed his hand on her free shoulder, and a tingle ran up and down her body. She began to feel emotional again, like all the years of repressed fear of abandonment, loneliness and hopelessness wanted to come pouring out. She wanted to apologize to him, to cry and say how sorry she was for not being strong enough on Crait, or how naive she was on Ahch-To and never getting the chance to say goodbye before he was gone. As she gazed at her mentor, clouded once again with tears, he knowingly stated, “No one is ever really gone.”

A bright blue flash erupted from the spirits. Rey clutched her eyes shut to shield away from the blinding light. She grabbed at the only thing she could feel, Ben. A powerful wave, deep and vibrating echoed against the walls, making Rey dizzy even with her vision blocked. The planet shook beneath her, from the spirits or the battle above, she did not know. But all she could think of was Ben.

A baby Ben Solo, giggling in his father’s arms as his mother kisses him over and over again. A child, excited to start training, ready to be a great jedi like his uncle. She imagined a teenager, scared and alone in the shadows of his room. Cold sweat stuck to his lanky form as he cried in the dark. The nightmares and voices were getting worse, but he was too afraid to ask for Luke’s help. He could fix it, he could do this on his own, right? A terrified young man, shaking as he watched the temple burn, this was all his fault..

Ben Solo was trapped. Trapped in Kylo Ren, in Snoke, in Palpatine. The grimy, evil creature that dared to call himself grandfather to Rey had poisoned Ben’s mind. He was alone, abandoned, and forged to become a weapon.

‘I’ll make it right.’ She promised to herself, ‘we’ll make it right.’

The vibrations began to dissipate and opening her eyes, Rey saw the sprits around her fade.

Where was Luke?

The older Jedi was on the opposite side of Ben, gazing at his nephew. His poor nephew…who had faced the consequences of his uncles failures. A boy who was caught by the darkness, with no one to reach out and save him. No one until her. Luke smiled at Rey, understanding the passion they had for the other. He felt a weight off his shoulders, hopeful that the two will never be alone again. She had helped Ben pull himself back from the darkness. Her stubborn determination, passion and hope to fix the galaxy was something Luke would’ve thought was naive and ignorant before. Now he understood, seeing her clutching onto him, heartbroken tears in her eyes, unwilling to give up, even in the darkest of times. It was more than determination or stubbornness.

It was balance, an equal force between the two, a dyad… love.

With his hand on his nephews cheek, he placed a sweet kiss on his temple. Master Skywalker gave a nod to Rey as he vanished, knowing this wouldn’t be the last time they saw each other.

Rey was about to question what she just witnessed, when a quiet voice below startled her.

“Rey?” Ben’s voice was groggy, raspy and tired.

She felt her heart swell, shaking hands grasped at Bens face, desperate to see his eyes open, his chest rise, his smile.

“Ben?”

His warm eyes were open - pained and tired, but open. He placed his hand over hers, needing to feel her warm and inviting touch.

He smiled, “Hey kid.”

Ben Solo was alive.

Ben was alive!

Rey laughed and she tumbled into his arms, taking him to the ground with her. He scoffed at her weight hitting him, but happily accepted her hug with no hesitation. Her laughs turned into sobs into his neck. He was warm, his heart and pulse raced wildly under her and Rey had never felt anything so good in her life. His strong arms around her made her so safe, she had almost forgotten there was a war happening right above them. Small giggles in her ear lifted her spirits, ready to spend years hearing it again and again from Ben’s lips. He inhaled her scent, taking a gulping breath, to appreciate the ability to breathe again.

After holding each other, Rey had to look in his eyes again. She pulled away, but never once lightening her grip. His eyes were searching deep in hers.

I’m back, they said, I’m not going anywhere.

Rey placed her hand against his chest, needing to make sure it wasn’t failing. It beat strong and constant beneath. His breathing was normal, and finally, Rey sighed in content. With her in his arms, she rested her forehead against his, taking each other in.

Outside the cave, the world continued to fight. Ships of all shapes and sizes fought against the undead army of Star Destroyers. One by one, they began to fall. Ships collapsed on each other in defeat. Explosions and thunderous booms rained the skies above them. Yet, they heard none of it. The two souls were brought together and breathed as one. They felt nothing but the touch of each other, heard nothing but the soft breathing of each other, and saw nothing but the teary, hopeful, loving eyes of each other. They just wanted each other. And they could have that. If nothing else, they could have that.

Far across the skies, among the stars and planets, unbeknownst to her son, General Organa felt a her breath escape her. However, as she felt her body begin to fall, to give up, her mind was flooded with visions. Hidden among dust and rocks, she saw her son, warm and alive, surrounded by love of her padawan. She knew. The two polar opposites, yet connected as one, by fate. She felt the warmth of their love hug her, supporting her as she collapsed to the ground.

“General!” Lieutenant Connix cried out, hurrying from her control board to the princess. “Get the medics! Hurry!”