#we used to visit there every like month but then we stopped because of Covid yk

[literaryavenger]

New Year's Eve

Summary: A game of two truths and a lie reveals to the team a fact about the you that Bucky can’t seem to stop thinking about.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Avenger!Female Reader

Warnings: Minimal use of Y/N. Language 'cause why not. A lot of fluff. My poor attempts at being funny. Mutual pining, idiots in love. Self-deprecating thoughts.

Word Count: 3.2K

A/N: Happy New Year's Eve! Thanks for all the messages when I was sick, I'm finally feeling better and I'm negative for Covid! I really wanted to post something for New Year's Eve and this came from a fever dream I had when I was sick, lol. I hope it's any good and someone enjoys it! A particular thank you to @ordelixx for helping me with this story!💘I've only started posting here about a month and a half but I'm really enjoying it and feeling more and more comfortable in my writing. I hope I'm also getting better at it. Anyway, I have big plans for the New Year that I hope you'll enjoy! This year hasn't been great for me, but I'm planning on working harder than ever to make sure the next one is a year I can be proud of. I hope you guys have a nice last day of 2023 and an amazing start of 2024! Love you all.💘

Masterlist

“Ok, your turn, Kill Bill. Two truths and a lie, go.” Tony says, referring to the fact that you fight with swords, making you roll your eyes before you join in on the laughter.

“Ok, uhm...” you try not to look at anyone so you don’t give away the answer “I have a teddy bear that I sleep with, I have bungee jumped from the top of the tower and I’ve never had a New Year’s kiss.”

You look back up to the room and wait for their guesses.

It’s a Friday night and the people that remained in the Tower for the holidays decided to have a little game night.

Every year the same people stay around, having nowhere in particular to go, and spend Christmas together. 

Clint and Scott usually spend this time with their families, this year Thor decided to go to New Asgard with Bruce and Loki to visit Val and Korg, and Peter decided to spend it with aunt May and Happy.

You usually alternate between going to visit your family and staying in the tower each year, and this one was your turn to go to your first home.

You came back the day after Christmas, never being one to miss Tony’s New Year’s Eve party that’s gonna happen in two days now.

“Well, we know she has a teddy bear.” Wanda says.

“Do we know that?” Tony turns to you, narrowing his eyes. “Do you have one?”

“Yes, she does, we’ve seen it” Natasha answers for you while you glance at Bucky, praying he doesn’t put together that they’re talking about the teddy bear he gifted you for Valentine’s Day this year along with flowers. 

Natasha and Wanda were more happy than you when you told them, sustaining that he did it because he liked you until you pointed out that he gave flowers to them too, because he’s sweet and a gentleman and that’s just who he is.

They wouldn’t let up on the fact that neither of them got a teddy bear though, and you would have agreed with them but Bucky never really did anything else about it so you decided to let it go and not read too much into it.

You're brought back to the present by Tony.

“Ok, so she has one. Then it’s gotta be the New Year’s kiss, everyone has had one at least once in their life,” he was looking at your reaction very closely while talking, but you did your best to keep an easy smile and not give anything away.

“Even Captain Virgin over there had one last year.” he adds vaguely waving towards Steve’s general direction. 

You crack at the nickname and at the undignified sound Steve made while blushing and glancing at Nat that shared that kiss with him.

“Tony, there’s no way that she bungee jumped from the roof without us knowing, that’s gotta be the lie.” Sam interjects, also watching you closely for any signs of a reaction that you manage not to give.

“Alright, just take your guesses, people.” You say to the group.

“New Year’s Kiss.” Tony all but yelled, Natasha and Wanda agreeing with him.

“Bungee jump.” Sam says and Steve and Bucky agree, then they all seem to hold their breath as they wait for your answer.

It’s not a surprise that even these stupid little games cause a lot of competition amongst the team.

“Neither.”-you finally said and let out a laugh when they all groan in annoyance while taking their shots for guessing wrong.

“WAIT- you bungee jumped off the ROOF? When?!” Steve seems more concerned than anything.

“Well, you know a few months ago when we happened to all be on different missions at the same time?” They nod, not knowing where you're going with this “Clint and I came back first from ours, we were bored and there was no one around to stop us from doing anything stupid so…” you trail off, shrugging while laughing. 

Steve looks shocked, Sam is laughing his ass off while Tony immediately goes to look for the security footage.

They all cheered while watching you throw yourself off the roof, Clint's yells and laughter could be heard, and then Steve shakes his head while joining you in the laughter when you see Clint take his turn and scream like a little girl while you fall to the ground laughing on the video. 

Once you all composed yourselves, Tony pokes Wanda’s arm “I thought you said she had a teddy bear.” he's looking at her like she brought him on a treasure hunt and then betrayed him and left him for dead on a deserted island.

“She does! She got it from-” you interrupt her before she can finish the sentence, blushing a little and avoiding Bucky’s eyes.

“I do have a teddy bear, I just don’t sleep with it.” you say, shrugging.

“Oh, come on, that’s cheating!” Natasha whines.

“It’s really not, just because I do have one it doesn’t mean I didn’t tell a lie about it” you laugh at her pout.

“Wait a minute, so you’ve never had a New Year’s kiss?” Tony looks at you like you suddenly grew two heads.

“It’s not a big deal. Funny thing is, I have had boyfriends during New Year’s Eve, I just never happen to spend the day with them.” you say absentmindedly while thinking back at all the parties you’ve been to over the years to celebrate the new year.

“Really?” it's so quiet you almost missed it, your eyes snapping up to meet Bucky’s that were already looking at you.

“Is that so hard to believe?” The room seems to go quiet as everybody looks at you two, but you're too focused on each other to notice.

“I didn’t- I mean…” his cheeks started to turn a little pink as he seemed to have trouble finishing his sentence “It’s just you’re very pretty, who wouldn’t want to kiss you?”

You didn’t know what to say to that, you start blushing too while opening and closing your mouth a couple of times, looking like a damn fish.

You settle for a quiet ‘thank you’ with a smile that he shyly returns, neither of you noticing the glances passed by everyone else.

The whole team is convinced that there’s something between you and Bucky, but both of you always deny it and don’t seem to read too much into each other’s actions, always dismissing the glances and lingering touches as friendly affection even though you’re not really that close.

But really what else could it be?

The team lets the moment end and the game goes on, everyone keeps drinking and having fun until it gets really late and you all decide to call it a night.

Bucky goes to his bedroom and gets ready for sleep but he can’t seem to focus on anything else but you.

He really doesn’t understand how can anybody see your pretty self when you’ve just woken up, no makeup and your eyes full of sleep and not want to kiss you, let alone when you are all dolled up in a pretty golden dresses like you do every New Year’s. 

Every year it gets harder for him not to just grab you and kiss you, hell every day is pretty much torture to see you around the Compound and not get to be with you the way he wants to.

But he has to keep his hands to himself because there’s no way you could actually like him like that. 

He’s even tried to drop hints here and there like giving you the teddy bear for Valentine’s Day but, except for the cute shade of pink that your face turned, you still didn’t seem all that interested.

Still, that didn’t stop him from thinking what it would be like if you did like him and fantasize about being your first New Year’s kiss and maybe even your last first kiss.

At the same time you were in your own room getting ready for bed while your own thoughts kept going back to the moment you shared with Bucky in the living room. 

You didn’t know if you were more embarrassed because you actually told the team you’ve never had a kiss on New Year’s Eve or happy because Bucky called you pretty.

If it was anyone else you wouldn’t even think twice about it, but coming from him it just felt like you were being complimented for the first time ever. 

Everytime you thought about it you felt all warm and fuzzy inside, and at this point the moment was pretty much on loop in your mind.

The more you think about it the more you feel your face heat up, sleep not coming easily as you slip into Bucky filled dreams.

The next day everybody’s hanging out in the living room, most of them nursing a hangover from last night. You get ready for a last minute shopping trip to try and find a new dress for New Year’s Eve.

When you get to the living room you see Steve grinning at a disgruntled Tony, Wanda, Sam and Natasha who are obviously very hangover and nowhere near as amused as the blonde supersoldier. 

Bucky’s attention is on you as soon as you're in his field of vision and no one fails to notice it, except you of course, your own attention on Wanda and Natasha sprawled on the couch.

“Well, I was gonna ask you if you wanted to come shopping with me,” you start watching from one to the other, as amused as Steve at everyone’s inability to contain themselves when drinking. “but I don’t think that’s happening.” 

“Bite me, YLN.” Is all Nat says.

Wanda, on the other hand, is a little gentler. “I can come with you, if you want.” she says sweetly.

“That’s okay, Wands.” you smile at her “just rest and drink lots of water.”

You turn around, saying bye to everyone and making your way out. As soon as the doors of the elevator close, everyone turns to Bucky that's not even pretending not to be staring anymore.

Not that anyone could ignore the longing look on Bucky’s face as he watches you walk away.

“Buck,” Steve starts talking, glancing at everyone before setting his gaze back on his best friend. “we need to talk.”

“Okay…” he slowly drags out, unsure if he even wants Steve to keep going.

“Well, we’ve been noticing some things lately…” He’s unsure of how to say this. “Between you and Y/N.”

Bucky’s cheeks start to turn a slight shade of pink, but he’s still not sure where Steve’s going with this so he says nothing.

“So we thought” he gestures around at everybody. “that maybe we should-”

“We know you like her, and we want to help you get with her.” Tony interrupts Steve, quickly getting to the point.

At Steve’s glare, Tony merely raises his hands in surrender saying, “Listen, Capsicle, I’m way too hungover to take the panoramic route. Let’s just get this over with.”

“Yeah, Stark’s right.” Sam says, turning Bucky whose face is fully red now. “You have a weak ass game, man. Let us help you.”

They all look at the brunette supersoldier while waiting for his answer. He chews on his lip while looking at the expectant faces of his friends, before letting out a deep sigh.

“How would you even help me?” He says quietly, neither accepting nor denying their help just yet.

“Well, we know Y/N,” Wanda says.

“Yeah, we can tell you what turns her on.” Natasha smirked, before Wanda flicks her ear making her let out an ‘ow’ with a slight pout.

“What she means is,” she glares at Natasha “we can tell you what she likes, you know. Maybe help you get closer to her.”

Bucky shakes his head lightly “This is not a good idea. And it doesn’t even matter if she doesn’t like me.”

Wanda and Natasha seem to have a silent conversation, ending with Natasha raising her eyebrow at Wanda and Wanda just sighing with a soft ‘fine’.

“She does like you.” Wanda turns back to Bucky.

“She’s just convinced that you don’t like her like that.” Natasha says with a roll of her eyes.

Bucky still wasn’t completely convinced, but he agreed nonetheless. Maybe it was the glimmer of hope the girls gave him, but if there was even the slightest chance you could actually like him, he owed it to himself to try. 

So he let the team make a plan to get you guys together, hoping to god he wouldn’t come to regret it.

You come home a few hours later, super excited to have found the perfect dress for the party the next night.

Bucky thought you were just so cute, all smiles and giggles.

Wanda and Nat talked you into having the last girls night of the year, although it didn’t really take much convincing.

And so the plan begins.

You’re relaxing on your bed, Wanda lying next to you, your head on her lap, and Nat sprawled on the love seat near the window close to your bed.

You’re wearing bathrobes, sheet masks on your faces as you watch a cheesy romcom that you’re so embarrassingly into you don’t even notice the girls exchange a look and nod at each other.

Wanda clears her throat and then begins talking, as casually as she can. “So, how come you never told us you never had a New Year’s kiss?”

They had to approach the subject somehow, right?

“I don’t know,” you say absentmindedly and then shrug, your attention still on the Tv. “didn’t think it was important.” 

“Sure it isn’t.” Nat said, and her tone took your attention away from the movie for the first time since it started.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Tasha?” she simply shrugs, an innocent look in the face.

“It doesn’t mean anything” she says, her attention seemingly on the movie “I mean, if it doesn’t bother you, it doesn’t bother me.”

“Why would it bother me?” you frown, you don't understand what's so weird about this.

“Well, some people might find it a little…” Wanda trails off.

“Sad?” Natasha ends for her.

“It’s not like I’ve never kissed anyone.” you're starting to get a little defensive.

“We know that, sweetie.” Wanda coos, stroking your hair while you look up at her.

“We really didn’t mean anything by it.” Natasha ends, giving you an apologetic look.

“Yeah, whatever.” is all you say, and you turn your eyes back to the tv, your attention nowhere near it.

Natasha and Wanda can basically hear the gears turn in your head and give each other one last glance. 

Part one of the plan is complete.

The next day goes through like usual, the team spending basically the whole morning together.

It’s a tradition, having the last breakfast of the year together, watching the last movie, having the last lunch and so on. Doing all the lasts together.

It’s silly, but it’s a tradition you've all come to be very fond of. 

The afternoon comes and you and the girls spend it getting ready for the party, last night’s conversation almost forgotten.

Almost.

As you got to the party the music was deafening before you even stepped out of the elevator and, once you did, you were immediately immersed in a sea of perfume and cologne and, like every other Stark party extravaganza, you didn’t know about 98% of the people there. 

You quickly find the team, as outgoing as most of them are, you usually spend most of the night together because it’s the last night of the year, last party and, again, it's your tradition.

You talk, you joke, you laugh but the more you drink the more you keep thinking about your conversation with the girls last night.

Was it really that sad that you’ve never started a new year with a kiss?

Midnight came sooner than you would’ve liked and your teammates decide to ask you a sobering question.

“So, who are you kissing?” Tony asks very casually.

You turn around confused, the team’s eyes all on you. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, nobody told you?” Sam says, looking around him “We’re all kissing someone tonight.”

“I- You- What?” you glance towards Bucky so quickly he almost thought he imagined it.

“Well, Romanoff is kissing Rogers, I’m obviously kissing Pepper and Wanda is kissing Wilson.” Tony said, before specifying while pointing at the last two “As friends, obviously.”

“So, you’re all kissing someone?” You look at everyone except the one person you actually want to look at.

Something inside of you just believes that he would nod too and a beautiful woman that you could never compare to would appear at his side.

“Well,” Steve starts. “not all of us…”

He trails off and, following his gaze, you land on the very pair of blue eyes you were trying to avoid.

Suddenly everyone else scatters and it was just you and Bucky. You don't know what to say, but you feel like you can't look away from him now.

What the hell is happening to you?

You’re talking before you can even stop yourself “You know, we could also kiss. As friends.” you add, realizing what you just said, your eyes wide with your own surprise.

He’s about to say something, but you don’t give him a chance to get a sound out before you’re backtracking so fast you might actually fall out the window.

“You don’t have to. Obviously. It’s not like I’d make you.” you chuckled awkwardly, but you can’t stop yourself from rambling “Unless you wanted to. But why would you want to? It’s not like you’re missing anything. I’m not anything special.”

You can hear the countdown starting, but it sounds distant to your ears as your heart pounds faster. “I mean, I’m sure you’re a good kisser. Why wouldn’t you be? Not that you’re like a lady’s man.”

Bucky glances around him, the team giving him encouraging looks as they near zero and you just keep going “But like you were, you know. Not that it’s a bad thi-”

You're thankfully interrupted abruptly by Bucky’s lips on yours just as everyone yells ‘Happy New Year’ and gold and black confetti starts falling down on you.

You can't even begin to comprehend what's happening but your body does, kissing him back almost immediately.

It feels like forever and also too soon when he pulls away, you can't even hearing the chaos around you anymore.

All that exists is you and Bucky and his eyes and his arms around your waist and yours around his neck and his lips that you wanted to kiss again and kiss forever and never stop.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that” he says after a few seconds. Or maybe days. Weeks? Hours? It doesn’t matter.

All that matters is the bright smile he gives you when you say “Me too.”

He kisses you again, but this time the spell is broken by the team’s whistles and cheers. 

When you pull away you’re both blushing a little, you glance around you and see all the smug faces of the idiots you love to death, Bucky’s attention never leaving you.

“And by the way,” Bucky says, gaining your attention once more. “you have more qualities than you think,” he then pointed at your chest “You have this.”

You looked down to where he was pointing before saying “I do have great tits, yes.”

When you looked back at him he was blushing even harder and looked like he was having a hard time maintaining eye contact, while you were more relaxed now that the kiss took away all the awkwardness, but trying hard not to laugh. 

“... I meant heart” he said after a few moments of silence.

“Either or.” you answered, shrugging and when you heard the snickers of the team around you, you couldn’t help but join them, followed by a still blushing Bucky.

Yep, this year is definitely gonna be an interesting one.

[omegaremix]

April 3, 2022.

It takes a good two months before a year starts to pick up for me. The first big win was in the final frigid day of February when I decided to take the train to Greenpoint’s Academy Annex for some records; the first stop of what would be an amazing record-store victory tour. Then arrived March. I drove four miles to the shopping mall to look for leather jackets when I discovered a new retro- video arcade opened up. Within a few days I walk in and spent the entire day re-living my Atari / Nintendo / SNES youth. Those eight hours were a thoroughly exhaustive one. I saw games which I threw many rolls of quarters into, to others I only read about and fantasized even seeing up until then. The original Super Mario Bros. cabinet, The Neo Geo MVS, Outrun, R-Type, Taito’s Superman, Atari’s Star Wars. Most of every great moment of my youth spent in delis, card stores, ice cream parlors, long-gone restaurants, and amusement parks were now all in one room.

Good thing I went because my all-time favorite ginger April* made a rare appearance in my store and I had to tell her about it. She came in to buy some A/V components like she always does and we spent a good ten minutes catching up on everything. April was a fangirl and a hardcore gamer of all formats so I had to share the wealth of news with her. Too late. She already went. Still, every visit from her counted as she was the cutest thing of pale skin, glasses, and Irish ancestry I ever seen.

I had another holiday spent with my Coney Island family. My aunt invited me to her daughter’s house in East Meadow for Easter where they, her aggressive right-wing country-music loving Trump supporter sons, her sister, and all the offspring you could think of would be there. A great four hours were had coloring eggs, watching Disney’s Encanto on the big screen, and an endless feast of Italian food were laid out for all to gorge ourselves to death. Blessings were counted and they were enough to cash them in for a bright sunny Sunday. I also enjoyed the hour-long drive from East Meadow through Rt. 27 all the way home.

In between all this was a major event I was chasing for a while. It would be nice to attend a Boy Harsher show and they’ve been making the rounds in New York City quite often. I jumped at the opportunity to purchase tickets after their Halloween show and ultimately got them - only for January show to be postponed. Blame the COVID- omicron for it. But Jae & Augustus pushed it back to April and this time nothing was stopping them from performing nor anyone attending The Music Hall Of Williamsburg.

I learned that it was a two-hour ride each way from my line to Penn Station and back due to transfers at the Jamaica Station. Not good as I had to work a 10AM shift. This time, I opted to drive out to the Babylon stop for a direct line to Manhattan and back for fifty-five minutes each. I went up the stairs and waited only a few minutes before the train arrived on an elevated platform. Nothing special about the train ride on a cloudy mid-50* weather. The show, however, was a whole other story. Everyone enjoyed the opener Twin Tribes and the headlining Boy Harsher hands-down to great fanfare. I couldn’t have waited in line to get some merch- as, once again, someone had to ride home for tomorrow’s payday.

I reversed the path from The Music Hall- by taking the L and ½/3 line back to Penn Station. It just so happened that I missed my train home by three minutes and it cost me an hour more before the next one came in. As I mentioned before, no transfers. Just a direct line from Penn Station back to Babylon where the double-decker cars awaited us. A nice surprise for me sitting in the seats above to contemplate my next major win: Sacred Bones’ 15th anniversary show. It could only get better.

Fifteen years ago from this month, a new concept was born. I purchased a 30GB iPod Classic through a ‘friend’ of mine at WUSB. Since then, I loaded all of my music into it and took it through many train rides. The iPod Classic has retired in favor of my iPhone SE. What once became a distraction has now been an auditioning process for future Omega WUSB shows and seasonal personal playlists. Nothing is off limits. Noise, backpacker, jazz, fusion, shoegaze, noise rock, post-punk, electronics, hardcore - everything. Everything I discover gets played in hopes of either being featured or forever a part of me. With a near endless plethora of outlets, mutuals, and other ways of obtaining music, there’s almost never a moment of silence outside of work or sleep.

Congotronics International: “Where’s The One”

MoE: “Beautiful Stranger”

Silent Servant: “Slasher”

Doc Hammer: “Commanche Crew Cut”

Visit0r: “God Of All Flesh”

People’s Choice, The: “Here We Go Again”

Ride: “1,000 Miles”

Thurston Moore: “The Station”

Sunrot: 21%

Joucous: “Rivers Pt. 1”

Exek: “ID’ed”

Legss: “Hyde Park Coroner”

Alice Glass: “Suffer And Swallow”

Totally Unicorn: “Daddy’s Stabby Surprise”

Aeges: “Who Are You”

Benny The Butcher & J. Cole: “Johnny P.’s Caddy”

Maneskin: “Moriro Da Re” 

Broken Vow: “Expiation”

Exek: “(I’m After) Your Best Interest”

Smash Your Enemies: “Faithless”

Death Strider: “Cardinal Sin”

Letting Up Despite Great Faults: “Gemini”

Dead Leaf Echo: “Milk.Blue.Kisses (Foil In Motion)”

Offset: Spectacles, The: “Stomp”

Caparezza: “Eyes Wide Shut”

[realmadridfamily]

“I was in the hotel after the national team match (Belgium 2-0 England) and a photo of Mishel with a dog popped up on Instagram. I only watch profiles that I follow and I didn't know her but she suddenly popped up. I thought it was a very sweet photo and commented, "Cuties" not intending for her to respond to me. But it worked." - recalls Thibaut Courtois. It was November 2020, in the middle of the global crisis caused by the Covid-19 pandemic, and no one, not even themselves, expected that this whim of fate would turn them into the heroes of a love story. «I saw the message and thought, “Okay, fine. – I will answer you. And I wrote : "Thank you." He immediately asked me how my day was, how everything was going, and I thought: "This guy is cute." - explains model Mishel Gerzig.

From that evening on, they started talking non-stop. Every day. Until almost six months later, in April 2021, they saw each other for the first time in Madrid. “And we never parted again.” she says, stroking his hand, and the bouncer smiles knowingly in response. This is the first joint session after the wedding, which took place last July in a fairy-tale castle on the French Riviera, and after a serious knee injury that has kept Tibo off the pitch since August. During the session, they share confidences, smile, hug and kiss between photos... They are in a state of absolute happiness that cannot be hidden.

ELLE : Your relationship started long distance, but what was it like the first time you met in person?

THIBAUT: It was in Barajas, at the airport. You could fly to Spain from France, so she first flew from Israel to Paris and from there to Madrid. Right after landing, she told me that she had a problem with her passport and that they wouldn't let her into the country. It was a joke, but I was shocked and started thinking about how I could solve it. I couldn't believe it, I felt terrible.

MISHEL: (laugh). I thought of this joke to break the ice because I was very nervous when I saw him.

T: She was traveling with her best friend and they spent the night at my house. But we slept separately! (laugh). We had been talking on FaceTime all the time for months, we knew each other very well, but we needed to meet in person. We didn't plan much. We went for lunch, dinner, walked, talked for hours... I tried to get a friend to accompany me to training or a match. In fact, Mishel sometimes visited Di Stéfano, where we were playing at the time. And everything came out naturally, it worked. She brought a suitcase for two weeks because she had the idea to go to Amsterdam to work and then she never left (laugh).

M: That's true! The pandemic started and I was in Israel. When I had the opportunity to travel, I wanted to resume modeling, but my plans changed (laughter). I planned to stay here for two weeks, but I stayed much longer. That's because we had so much fun together. We already knew that we understood each other well remotely, but we tested each other in person and our relationship was even stronger.

E: So much so that you quickly became engaged.

T: And I wanted it to be even earlier (laugh). In January 2022, I went to buy a ring with a friend and thought: "I want one too." We had only been together for a few months, but I knew Mishel was the love of my life. I decided to wait until June to do it in a unique way. She loves the sea, so I found the right moment, improvised during a trip to Positano and asked her. We didn't want to wait so long to get married, but due to the World Cup and other commitments with Real Madrid and the Belgian national team, it was difficult to find an earlier date.

E: Thibaut is an international football star. Did you feel dizzy when you entered his world?

M: At first, yes. I thought about how I would cope. Tibo attracts a lot of attention and generates a lot of noise, but I slowly got used to it. It's beautiful to see all the love it awakens in people.

E: Shortly after the wedding, an injury occurred. How did you survive it?

T: The first day was difficult. I wrote to Mishel: "I think I broke my knee in training."

M: I quickly took the car and drove to Valdebebas.

T: We went for an MRI, which quickly showed that I had a serious injury. I was still inside and they had already told Mishel and the physio what happened. When I came out, I cried, but then I felt people's support and I started thinking positively. You can't go back. Mishel helped me a lot, especially in the first month when I was limping and could barely move. Now I'm working hard to come back as soon as possible and be 100% healthy.

E: How did this situation change your daily life?

T: Now I spend more hours training, but I also have more flexibility when it comes to being with my children and Mishel. The good thing is that they adore her, so we spend a lot of time together. The injury made me look at everything from a different perspective. I love football and I miss it, but there are other things I love and want to do. This year I'm going to start my Master's in Sports Management and hope to graduate. We also have several businesses (he invested in the production of plant milk, in Neat Burger, vegan burgers, in which Leonardo DiCaprio and Lewis Hamilton are also partners; he has a Formula 4 team, TC Racing, and Mishel is preparing to open a beauty salon in Madrid), it is worth develop mentally and learn new things. We are both curious and excited.

M: I'm lucky that in my job I can move deadlines freely. Previously, I did it to be with him at important matches and support him. When he got injured, I changed my schedule to spend more time at home to help him. And now, when I feel much better, I have gone to work in the United States. For me, balance is the most important thing because I want to do both, have time for work, but also for my personal and family life.

E: Speaking of family, your Mishel lives in Israel. How do you deal with what's going on there?

M: All people who were born there have been up to date with the current conflict throughout their lives. It's not that you get used to it, but you grow up having it in your everyday life. I served in the military for two years, so I know this up close. It's very painful to see what point this has gotten to. My family and friends are seeing and hearing terrible things as we all know people who have been killed or injured.

T: When I was a child and saw this conflict on TV, I didn't understand anything. This is a delicate and complicated issue for those of us who are neither Palestinian nor Israeli. Now I have family and friends there, so I experience it more closely, but I am Belgian. I show my support and respect every opinion, as long as it is expressed in a polite manner. We are all human and no one wants innocent people to die. This is the most important. But now there is a lot of hate, especially online, there is a lot of division and it is very difficult. These are things that cannot be allowed because we all want peace.

M: I have been living with this confrontation for 26 years, but I want to be positive and believe that peace will come and that all innocent people will be safe.

E: How did your careers start?

M: I started when I was 13, participating in a beauty pageant in Tel Aviv. At the age of 16, I worked outside Israel for the first time, on shows and campaigns in Milan and Miami.

T: I have been playing football since I was a child. At the age of 16, I was lucky enough to join Genk, one of the best teams in Belgium. When I was 18, we won the league and that made me grow. Chelsea signed a contract with me and loaned me to Atlético Madrid. I didn't speak Spanish, but I felt it was time to leave, even though almost no one around me was supportive. The first weeks were difficult, but I immediately felt the warmth of the people. The crowd and the team welcomed me very warmly and that made me fall in love with Madrid and Spain. When I had to go to England, it was very difficult for me to adapt because I missed Madrid. That's why I was happy to come back in 2018.

E: First you were at Atléti and now at Real Madrid. Do you think people understand this?

T: I know this is hard to understand for someone who loves Atléti. For the three years I played there, I gave everything I had to win. But I'm an athlete, it's my profession and I have to improve and fulfill my dreams by making bold decisions. Of course, I respect my past and never forget about it.

E: What are your plans for the future?

T: Growing the family, that's the first. And helping people, and that's the most important thing to both of us. To come back well after the injury and be in the best shape. Develop businesses and continue to enjoy life together in Madrid, with family and five dogs. I love sports and will always be involved in it, but when I retire, I see myself coaching youth teams rather than senior teams. It's too much pressure and too much time away from home. I think Mishel would throw me out of it (laugh).

[disease-danger-darkness-silence]

I'm rereading the Meet Death Sitting series by @bomberqueen17 because I never read the side stories and, let me tell you, it is surreal remembering that a lot of these were written during the early days of the 2020 part of the COVID pandemic. It took me back. I was so scared during those days, and angry.

When the lockdown went into effect (and Nevada was one of the first ones to implement it), my sister was in prison for a nonviolent, first-time offense: embezzling from a multi-billion dollar international gaming company. So... Unjustifiably, imo. I think theft crimes should be weighted by who you stole from and how much it effected them. And frankly, they weren't paying her enough to survive on, and she supervised TWO sports books.

She got sentenced in January and for some reason couldn't appeal, and then lockdown happened in March.

They were doing NOTHING for the prisoners.

She was in the Las Vegas prison doing hard labor in 125°+ weather and they weren't even providing a decent amount of calories to eat each day, let alone masks and hand sanitizer. She lost 100 lbs in prison, in a deeply unhealthy way.

A woman with a mental instability smuggled in a razor blade that she would hold in her cheek, next to her teeth, and when Ashley reported it, they did nothing. Ashley got transferred to a different bloc at some point because she was going to be doing food service work (she has a culinary education), but someone did get hurt by that woman. No consequences came for any of the COs (correction officers) or the warden.

Oh, and then they yanked Ash out of food prep and into heavy labor. Not sure why, because we got her records and there's no citations or anything on there. They just did it. I'm PERSONALLY assuming it's because I was calling daily demanding to talk to the warden or the supervisor on duty to demand better treatment. FFS, they were feeding them grade B, not fit for human consumption food. I was calling everyone I could think of and generally making a nuisance of myself, during a global pandemic, and while advocating for Ashley I also began advocating for her fellow prisoners. I wrote to the governor. I wrote to the Nevada Department of Corrections. I spent 8 hours a day harassing state officials (and politely talking to state workers who don't get paid enough for this shit), and I'm pretty sure her getting hard labor was punishment for her daring to have someone on the outside willing to make life a living hell for themselves and others for her.

We all nearly bankrupted ourselves keeping money on her books so she could buy extra food and special soap because she has a skin condition and they just give you harsh lye soap (no shampoo, no conditioner) at the Florence McClure Women's Correctional Center. She has an IUD that stops her periods so luckily she didn't need tampons the whole time she was there, because they ration them and if you need more, you'd better have some money to buy shitty dollar store ones at Target prices! (IIRC Ashley took her allotment and shared them around.)

We illegalized private prisons in Nevada a few years back but they acted like they still were one. You had to work or you couldn't apply for parole. They sold dollar store products at a massive markup. They didn't give her medical care for all but the last month or two she was there, and that meant she didn't have her ANTIDEPRESSANTS for most of the time. She was suicidal and depressed and anxious and most of all, she missed her daughter - my niece, who got displaced to live with my sister's ex-husband, who is an alcoholic, abusive bastard who supports Trump and used to make Ashley set an alarm on her phone so he'd remember when to beat her. That's who my niece had to go live with. He was mostly sober by then, but she was clearly miserable and every time she came to stay with Mom for visitation, she didn't want to go back.

Ashley spent 10 months in there before getting parole in mid October of 2020 - for a first-time embezzling offense that was the equivalent of stealing $5 or $10 from someone in the middle class. (Also adding, the Gaming Board DID NOT ASK for imprisonment, they wanted her on probation so she could get a job and do restitution. The guy who talked her into it? The abuser who found a domestic violence victim and manipulated her? He got probation, and it was his fourth gaming offense.)

The entire time, I was organizing book drives and fundraisers and harassing state officials to do something - some of you remember this, because some of you helped by sending her books and money, and I still cannot thank you enough. To this day, I go to bed every night thankful for you all.

But I was spending my daylight hours, and a lot of my nighttime hours, trying to fight for her. Her voice wasn't being heard so I would damn well amplify it.

A lot of the women there shouldn't have been. Nonviolent drug offenses that clearly needed psychiatric care and not imprisonment. A woman who killed her husband in self defense, caught on tape, but still imprisoned. Another woman who's boyfriend was dealing meth and she got the guilt by association thing - never came up dirty, complied in every way, and they threw the book at her. Prison should be for 1st and 2nd degree murderers, rapists, violent abusers, torturers, organized criminals, people who molest and groom children. Not these women. It was heartbreaking. I knew it was bad, but now I had secondhand experience and I would never wish that on anyone but the most heinous of human beings.

I had nightmares almost every night that Ashley would catch COVID and die, or that she'd figure out a way to kill herself. I didn't wake Raven (my partner, for those who may have forgotten) when I had them. I just read a little bit of fic, and then cried myself back to sleep.

_____________

I don't know that I ever thanked @bomberqueen17. She's been through a lot the last few years (including something I can empathize with - a parent death. I miss my dad terribly. It's been 7 and a half years and I still feel his loss). But... I never thanked her for getting me through 2020 in mostly one piece.

It was her fics that I read when I woke up after a nightmare. It was her fics that I read in the mornings as I woke up, drank coffee or an energy drink, and got my day started to begin campaigning against Nevada's DOC. It was her fics that calmed me down in between calls and it was her fics I read to keep from crying when my sister called me. I'd read excerpts to her (she hadn't seen the Witcher yet but she still laughed at the right spots) and I'd try to keep her cheered up by telling her about fandom stuff.

Like yes, I read other fics and authors. But it was her fics that made a difference and, I think, are the reason Ashley and I were fortified enough to fight for her rights.

So.... A very belated thank you, @bomberqueen17. I don't know that I could have survived that, in addition to everything else 2020 threw at us, without your writing.

Also thank you for this very succinct explanation of why significant age gaps can sometimes present a problem, in a way that isn't denigrating to those with youth. I've been trying to explain it to my 23-year-old for years, and others, but now I will just use this.

You're the best. I can't wait to read the rest of the series.

[stayhereforasecond]

CREMATION GROUND

As a kid, I only saw, knew, and heard about cemeteries and cremation grounds in movies and on TV. It’s not something that your parents deliberately discuss with you when you’re a kid. It’s not something MY parents would discuss with me. For the most part of my life (almost 13 or 14 years), I was not even aware of the cremation ground near my home. It’s only a few hundred metres away. There are a lot of things that have surrounded me my entire life which I was never aware about. Anyway, even after learning about the existence of this cremation ground, I did not think much about it. I don’t remember it ever crossing my mind. It was only when I was about to turn sixteen when this turned around. This was when I lost someone close to me for the first time in my life. Before that I never really struggled with death. It was a natural concept of life that was very realistically acceptable to me.

The cremation ground was on one of the routes I took coming back from school. Generally i would just pass by without acknowledging its existence. However, I remember one day there was a dead body tied to a wooden ladder, covered with white cloth and some marigolds on top of it. Few men, some in white clothes and some in old washed up shirts, were standing around. I guess they were waiting for something. And that was the first time that place caught my attention like never before. Maybe it was because around that time I started paying more attention to dead bodies. I thought about it all day. After that, every time I rode alone by that place it was hard not to pay any attention.

It’s weird and striking that a place near my home, a place I was not even aware about the first 15 years of my life, and a place that crossed my mind only a few times in 18 years is so visible now, that it’s hard to not be aware of it. I wish I was speaking metaphorically. And this time i don’t even have to ride past it. Just like college and work, I get to be aware of it from my home.

I’ve lived in this city my whole life. I’ve seen this place change. I’ve seen roads being destroyed and constructed over and over again. I’ve seen trees being taken down. I’ve seen homes slowly turn into apartment buildings. I’ve seen the whole landscape change. I remember seeing hundreds of houses from my roof and now I can’t see past one house. When I was very little, maybe 5 or 6, a carnival was organised a few hundred metres from my home. On the same road as the cremation ground actually. I live in a colony and even though it was more than a decade ago, I could not see the carnival from my roof. But what I could see was its light in the sky at night. And sometimes we could even hear the music. For a week or so the sky was so pretty because of the lights of the carnival. Even on days we didn’t visit, the carnival made me happy.

This is one of the oldest memories I have of living on this earth. I didn’t think about it this much but for the past few months I can’t stop thinking about it. 2 months ago, when we all knew someone who urgently needed hospitalisation but could not get one. When we stopped watching news because of our mental health. When someone we knew was dying every other day. This is when this beautiful childhood memory became the realisation of how life has changed for all of us. The road from where the lights were lighting up the sky became the road painting a picture in the sky of all the deaths and the grief they left. Some, not even acknowledged. Just like I watched the lights in the sky all those years ago as a 5 or 6 year old, this time I was watching the smoke coming out of the cremation ground non stop in the sky as a 18 year old.

(I wrote this when the covid cases peaked)

[pinktinselmonstrosity]

quick vent because even though i already journalled about it i'm still mad

so i have this friend. we used to be really close and then after covid we were both at uni in different cities but we stayed in touch. she dropped out of uni in the first couple weeks, moved back home and is trying to start a small business as an artist, which i massively respect but it does make her super busy. so every time i'm back home for the holidays i text her like "hey are you free, it would be great to hang out" and she usually either says she's too busy and she can't or that she'll check her calendar and get back to me (and then doesn't). and that would be fine but i kept seeing on her social media that she was finding time to hang out with other people

after about a year of this i told another friend about it (let's call her B) and B was like "oh, i haven't seen her in a while either, i'll ask if she wants to hang out". and we found out that A had blocked B on everything and when she finally got a message through A told her that she was ending the friendship (that they've had since they were 3) because B hadn't been there enough for her (mind you this was the year B had had a complete mental breakdown) and she never wanted to see her again (this part isn't directly relevant to the story but think of it as a character reference)

so now, kinda mad at A, i confront her (very very gently) about the fact that i haven't seen her in ages even though she'd been seeing other people. she was really apologetic and said that if she'd known i was feeling like that she would have "prioritised" me above others (so like. completely admitting she had been ignoring me on purpose before). she said we would definitely hang out more - her boyfriend, who she visits quite often, lives in the next city along the train line from me so she suggested stopping along the way and seeing me the next time she saw him.

great! i thought, until the next time she went to see her boyfriend (and the next, and the next) rolled by and she hadn't reached out at all to make plans. so i start to think (with some evidence i would say) that for some reason she doesn't want to see me. obviously not as dramatically as she didn't want to see B, but still enough to literally never speak to me.

coincidentally, i see her bf quite often - whenever our big friend group goes out together when we're all back from uni he always goes, and i asked him a couple times (when quite drunk) if she had a problem with me - he said not, but i'm not sure if i believe him (he's very non-confrontational and nice, and also guys sometimes just don't notice stuff like that)

but THEN a couple weeks ago i talked about it quite deeply with another friend (let's call her C). she's at uni in the same city as the boyfriend so whenever A comes up to visit they hang out for a bit. and then last week A went to see her bf and i saw on instagram that she had seen C. and THEN out of nowhere she messages me like "hey it's been a while! how are you?" so i'm like 99% sure C told her everything i said (which is a whole other issue lmao). and we have a little chat in which i try not to be passive agressive and once again say it would be great to see her (yes, i am that desperate). she says she is doing an art market IN MY CITY next month and i say great lmk when and i'll come along!and she said sure!

and i just saw on instagram today that she is IN MY CITY like not just going through on the train i mean actually here but she literally said nothing to me at all

so girlies be honest (if any of you are even reading this lmao). am i wasting my time and energy? on the plus side i know that if i'd really pissed her off she would have no problem cutting me out completely, so it can't be that bad. but on the other hand i'd almost rather she did that and let me know definitively how she feels because i'm putting so much energy in just to get rejected over and over and my fragile self-esteem can't take much more. anywayyyy how is everyone else what are u doing tonight. i'm going to drink a lot of wine i think :)

[purplesurveys]

1771

Do you sleep with just a sheet in summer when it's hot? My blankets are just the right amount of thickness so I can use them whether it's summer (as long as I have the aircon on) or during the chillier time of the year.

Are you one of those people who needs to have at least some blanket on you when you sleep so the monsters don't get you? Little bit, yeah haha.

Will anyone be visiting your house any time soon? As far as I know, no. The whole household has been recovering from Covid, coughs, and colds anyway so it would be safest for everyone not to be here for at least a few more weeks. 

What was the last museum you went to? Not a museum per se but I went to Art Fair earlier this year...which kind of sucked because it was so crowded and couples kept blocking the pieces to take Instagram photos. I hung out there for a much shorter time than I ever expected to and just went to Yabu after like an hour lol.

Scroll through your camera roll quickly without looking, then stop it with your finger. What's the first picture your eye lands on? It's a photo of me cradling the stray dog that I had grown attached to while visiting my dad's family in Tagaytay, from Christmas last year. I legitimately missed out on a chunk of that party because I was right outside the house just babying the dog to death lol. Sweetest guy ever and for a while that day I did try to genuinely pitch to my parents if we could bring him home.

Do you get bursts of creative energy or is it more consistent? I would say it's pretty consistent. My job requires constant creativity so it naturally carries over to my personal life.

Have you ever been chased by a dog? I have been but always in a playful way.

What's your favourite kind of soda? None of them. Sprite is the most-decently flavored soda for me but I still would never opt for it as like a first choice drink ever.

Are you a visual learner? Not at all. I need words.

Do you have a drink with you right now? What is it? I have. It's coffee.

What was the last science fiction movie you watched? Ooh, not my genre of choice. I'm not sure about movies but my most recently watched sci-fi anything would probably be Black Mirror.

How far away from your home is the nearest train station? 7-10 minutes.

Do you listen to music every day? I do listen to at least one song a day, yes.

If you have a passport, when does it expire? I can't remember if it's 2032 or 2033.

Have you ever smoked a cigar? Nopes.

What was the last app you opened on your phone? My camera roll because of that picture question from this survey.

Is your voice high, low, or somewhere in the middle? It's somewhere in the middle and ever so slightly leans towards low.

Are you wearing any rings right now? I'm not.

Have you ever been to a baby shower? Never been. Hasn't really been a thing here ever until recently with today's generation catching up to the practices in the west.

Do you have any cash stashed away anywhere? I neverrrrr carry cash on me anymore. Drives my parents crazy but I just can't – cash for me translates to 'money I can spend' and that's just dangerous if I constantly have it around hahaha.

What are your neighbours like? Quiet.

What month is your birthday? How far away is that from now? It's in April so it'll be another 5 months before I celebrate a birthday.

What's the next friend or family birthday coming up? Will you buy them a present? It's one of my cousins' birthday today and no I did not get him anything.

What was the last book you read? Not sure tbh.

Have you ever spend a long period of time in a country you weren't born in? The longest I've spent outside the Philippines was like a week in Indonesia. I've never lived in another country.

Do you make your own surveys on Bzoink? I've never made a survey.

What colour are the bottoms you're wearing today? Blue.

How many beds are in your home? Four.

Do you wear face masks in public? I stopped a few months ago.

What are your plans for tomorrow? I'll be at the dentist in the morning, then I'll be seeing Andi later in the day so I can help them review for their midterms.

[jessefferguson]

A Perfect 10?

I was sitting in a warm, cloistered room when they came in to give me the news. They walked in and asked how I was doing.  I responded with some non-committal, nonchalant answer like “living the dream and avoiding the nightmares.”  It’s one of my regulars.

Then they gave me the update from the scans.

That described my latest visit to my oncologist on Wednesday of last week. It also describes my doctor visit 10 years ago, today.  Ten years ago (May 21, 2013), the doctor told me that the scans and biopsy revealed cancer in my neck. It was aggressive, dangerous and a real threat.  

At my appointment ten years later, the doctor told me it was still there.  Then again, so am I.

Ten years ago, it was soul-crushing news that left my life forever altered.  Ten years later, it was good news – a regular test every 6-months that shows the disease remains under control, in check and status quo.  In other words, a chronic condition.

The same answer but 10 years apart. Expectations really are everything.

5,256,000 Minutes

So, today is the 10 year “anniversary” of my diagnosis.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot but not really talked to anyone about it. I don’t bring up my health issues often any more as they’ve receded from the ‘headline’ of my life. But, like page B27 of the metro section, the news is still there.

As I’ve thought about the 10-year mark, it’s made me think about what changes have occurred in my life and what experiences I never experienced because of the disease. I’ve definitely lost weight from the nearly 350-lb person I was when diagnosed to about 200-lb today.  But, I’ve gained weight in my face thanks to radiation treatments.

In 10 years, I’ve gone from thinking about my next career move and next opportunity to a life more focused on the work I’m doing now.  As I’ve said before, I’m not much of a “stop and smell the roses” kinda person, but I have learned to noticed that there are flowers outside.

In 10 years, I’ve probably had 200 IVs and 350 blood tests. In 10 years, I’ve probably had 25 or 30 scans (CTs, PET scans and like).  In 10 years, I’ve had 4 major surgeries and a lot of other ups and downs.

In 10 years, I’ve learned to live with it.  Sorta.

CANCERING WHILE PANDEMICING

The last few years were hard for everyone.  The tragic loss of too many people and the terrible loss of connection, interaction and basic humanity for too many more. It will take years and, even, generations to fully grasp what happened to us during the pandemic. For centuries, humanity has had biases and fears of each other based on skin color or background. Now, people feared each other because of what they might be breathing out of their mouth.

That fear has led to anger and the anger led to defiance.  The defiance may now have led to some level of resignation.

You go through a similar emotional roller coast when you’re diagnosed with cancer. It didn’t emerge in you through some rational, easily traceable pathway. It’s more random.  It feels like it floats on the air.

Throughout the heights of the pandemic, I was pretty careful and quarantined. Living in New York was eerie, as the city that is always alive but the noise went dead and silent.  The noises you’re accustomed hearing on the streets were replaced with only the blaring sirens of ambulances.  And, as someone who had a pre-existing condition, I lived in fear.  I went months without interacting directly with any human being. Eventually, aided by vaccines, I got comfortable with the risk again and reentered the world.

I made it nearly 3 years without ever getting COVID but did get it in January of 2023.  It wasn’t pleasant but I was fine thanks to vaccines. Wish we had those for cancer.

LOSS

Loss is hard on anyone.  Whether it’s a loved one or a friend, a peer or a pioneer. We all feel it differently. Over the last 10 years, I’ve lost people for a variety of reasons but the ones with cancer obviously stand out to me – people like Mame Reiley and Tyrone Gayle. They were both taken too soon, in their 50s and their 30s, respectively. I learned so much from both of them but am left to wonder what I would have learned if I’d had more time with them. Both were diagnosed after I was, a reality that makes me uncomfortable to even type.

But, none of the loss can compare to June 3, 2020.  

My dad has struggled with some health issues for a few years due to a blood cancer known as MDS (Myelodysplastic syndrome). He was diagnosed about a decade ago and had a stem cell transplant in fall of 2017.  Doctors said his condition had no relation to mine.

On June 3, 2020, he passed away. He lived a full life – and a life well lived – but losing him at 73 was devastating.  I’m not over it and don’t expect I ever will be.

But, one thing really didn’t come to my mind until a few months ago – as I started thinking about my 10th year with cancer. He was by my side through all of it – from months of treatment in Houston to daily reminders to put one put in front of the other to regular proclamations that we’d beat this thing.

There’s one very vivid memory that had somehow been stored in the recess of my brain until recently.  It was when I was first getting treated in fall of 2013 and I was in a treatment room at MD Anderson. The treatments those days were long (6hrs) and fairly miserable in their side effects. I remember one day running particularly long and my mom had left the room for a bit. Dad and I were talking.  And he said something that day and we never talked about it again. He told me he had asked in prayer that somehow he would be able to “take on this cancer for me” – that he would do it so I didn’t have to.

As I reach 10 years with this disease, I guess I’ve been asking myself lately whether his prayer had kind of been answered?

UPS AND DOWNS

I haven’t written much on this blog in the last few years because I haven’t had much “news” to update.  I’ve had a few scary moments but none of them have amounted to much of anything in the long run.

In October of 2022, I started to feel weak. My stomach was uncomfortable. I had chills and sweats. I was running a fever.  Finally, after putting it off for longer than I should, I went into the urgent care at Sloan Kettering.  When I checked in, things were stable. Within an hour of checking in, things took a turn.

Apparently, I had an infection that likely came about through my tracheostomy tube.  The infection had led to pneumonia and, at this point, I was dealing with sepsis. My blood pressure had dropped pretty dramatically and they took me into the ICU.

Fortunately, the doctors knew what they were doing. One of them was particularly arrogant. I liked him – having long believed that I like slightly arrogant doctors since they spend all day boxing with the almighty.

Through lots of days of antibiotics and other remedies, things became stable again. For a little while, my legs and feet were so swollen that I couldn’t put on shoes - I truly though I was looking at clown feet in my own bed. 

For me, though, the worst part was the timing – it was 4 weeks before the midterms.  I’d love to characterize it as some heroic gesture where I kept my phone by my side and my laptop on the table while I spent 10 days in the hospital.  I’d love to pretend like it was an act of dedication that I carried my phone on walks around the hospital while building strength in my legs so I could walk again. Honestly, none of that is true.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over the 10 years, it’s that the world – even in the political world – will function (or dysfunction) just fine if I’m not attentive. But, my work is my distraction. It is my therapist. Instead of focusing on what I might be going through, I’d much rather take a call about an ad campaign or send edits to a polling draft.

It’s why, after 10 years with this disease, I get daily reminders that I have to enjoy my work to make it worthwhile. If you have the privilege of doing something you love to do, hold onto it.

A PERFECT 10

So, the last 10 years haven’t exactly been a “perfect 10.” There have been some bumps (both figurative and literal). If you had asked me 10 years ago whether I thought I’d be here in 2023, I don’t know what answer I would have given.  To be honest, I couldn’t think that long into the future.

But, the disease is status quo. No news is good news. I still get my treatments every 3 weeks. Those haven’t changed. But, I’m still here.

A few years ago, I used to spend time really thinking about the things that I’d lost and missed out on because of this disease. I’d been dwelling on the things I might have been doing – different trajectories on my career, my personal life, pr even a family.

As I look at 10 years, I think my perspective has changed just a little.  Sometimes in life, the path of least resistance is also the path of least return and least result.

I'd obviously never wish an illness or a disease on anyone. I'd never wish anyone had to go through what I've gone through or face the even-harder road that so many others have had with this disease.  This isn’t my effort to pretend that every cloud has a silver lining.  It’s pretty clear that cancer is a nasty thunder storm.  There’s not much silver lining to be seen.

But, maybe, you can occasionally step back and take some solace from the fact we only know about the existence of electricity because of a bolt of lightning.

[ganymedian]

This has been a breakdown of my activities or the past few years. TW for cancer and death

—

In 2019, I had moved into our first apartment since moving to Massachusetts. I acquired an iPad and it's been a quality of life improvement for me as an artist and as someone who enjoys watching videos while I clean.

My grandfather died. It might have been the same day I was given the apartment tour. It was a Saturday. He couldn’t remember who was missing.

—

I got a pay bump in November from our pharmacy changing over after the buyout.

Covid was on the radar. My paternal grandmother passed away. The year before she passed, she would drive me home from work and tell me the same stories about shops that her and her brother would visit after school. She stopped being able to recognize the stores she told me about every week. She drove me far out of town one day and I couldn't stop her; she insisted there was a McDonalds nearby and wanted to take me there.

My parents inherited a home, the hub of family gatherings, that had more problems than they could afford to fix. My childhood is on the market.

—

In 2020. Pharmacy work was more leisurely than it had ever been in my cumulative 3.5 years of being in the field. We had time to work on the clinical side of patient care. It felt like a respectable healthcare profession and not an assembly line. I spent hundreds of hours playing duolingo to learn Spanish. Es lo que es.

My brother had cancer. A few months later, now my mother has it. She’s been fighting stage 4 for two years. It was probably caught too late. She had handled the signs like she does with everything else: ignore it and tolerate it until it boils over.

I don't understand how I feel about it. She went out of her way to make everyone miserable even before now. I used to want something to happen to her that would make her more compassionate, reasonable, understanding. Facing her mortality has not changed her.

(My brother is ok now)

—

In 2021, I took an immunization training class. I’m licensed to administer covid and flu vaccines. I’ve given what feels like a few thousand vaccines at the time I'm writing this. I had surgery in October. The six paid weeks I had off was the first vacation I had since starting the job. Recalling the amount of free time, organizing, and drawing I did makes me long for another one. Perhaps I’ll have another one! (I do use my PTO now)

However, the cost of transportation between my apartment and Boston for follow up care has set me back. I had to use credit. I’m still fighting to break even between interest and minimum payment.

(But thanks to my diligence, my credit score is good and I’m working on a way out. In spite of financial hardship, I do not regret it.)

—

In 2022 I've been dxed by another psych with Bipolar 2, so we have 3 strikes for ASD and 2 for Bipolar 2. I begged my psych not to put me on SSRIs and SNRIs because I had finally gotten over the severe anhedonia that 3 of those gave me.

Live Laugh Lamotrigine.

I've made friends with the maintenance guy and his mother who lives on-site. He's also an antique fanatic who dresses in late Victorian-Edwardian fashion 24/7. We go antique shopping every so often.

He has unsettling and intense eye contact. Oh god.

Work is out of control again. I can't wait until everyone has had their boosters. I'm so grateful for them but they're making the normal duties of my job a nightmare difficulty. ;-; I'm not getting paid extra to give vaccines and maintain the license. I will see if my displeasure for retail pharmacy is strong enough to make me go to school.

We got a new kitten. We just fixed him.

He is driving me crazy. H e l p

[mynewchapter]

Wow!! I didn’t realize I never shared my story of my fur-children. Rescued.

Long read.

TLDR:

Long story short, I had to give my cat Hitome to my parents 10 years ago because my brother-in-law is allergic to cats, in 2013 my parents got a second cat named Shadow. In 2021 my mom ended up moving to a LTC home, and my father was going to give way the cats. I decided I didn't want to risk her at a shelter. Last week our plans were moved up because my father ended up in the hospital. She was so matted, broke my heart. I found a vet that was able to sedate her and shave her. We hesitated but took in Shadow too (we live in a basement). Both cats are now both loved, spoiled, healthy, and happy.

So a little bit of a backstory. Back in 2009 I got a 6 week old kitten, I named Hitome (domestic long hair). She was quite special, in the sense that she didn’t like being pet (she’d follow you, just no touchie),she was picky with her food, and would only eat at the table. She lived with me until 2010, when I gave her to my parents. I was moving in with my sister and her husband was allergic to cats.

Main story

For the first few years she was good there. My parents wanted to get another cat...Hitome is an alone cat and I told them as such, don’t get another cat. My idiot father choose not to listen to me and adopted Shadow (domestic short hair).

When Hitome got older she stopped grooming herself and she started getting terrible mattes. So my parents would go to the pet store near by and got her shaved. When the store stopped dealing with cats, they got a local groomer to come to their apartment and would get her shaved. After her last shave in 2018, my parents told me she was allowing them to brush her, no more mattes. All was good! The last time I visited them was early 2019. Hitome was matte free and everything was good. Sadly I didn’t visit their home for the rest of the year, until late 2020 and that was to grab something so I didn’t see my cat.

In Jan 2021 my mother came down with Covid. It was pretty much touch and go, she ended up going to a LTC in May. The first chance in May my sister and I could grab things for my mother, while there I found Hitome in such terrible matted fur. I was furious. My father made bullshit excuses of why they allowed her to get to that. He also told me that he didn’t want to take care of the cats anymore and thinking of taking them to a shelter. Since at this time Hitome was 12 and doesn’t like being touched, I knew the only one to give her the love she needed was back with me. We weren’t sure about Shadow (story in a bit). But we weren’t sure when we could grab her.

The time to pick her up was forced onto us, when my sister and I discovered that my father had be unconscious, no food or water, and delusional for 3 days at his front door...with two cats inside.He was in the hospital for about 3 weeks. Between work and both my sister and I living far away from my parents, for a week we could only go every 3 days to see the cats, that were sadly alone in the home. I tried to make sure they had a ton of water, a lot of dry food and every time I went over I gave them wet food. Still horrifies me thinking of that time.

Since I wasn’t sure how she would react to being shaved, I found a vet that could shave Hitome but also sedate her if needed be, I brought her over for a checkup and a shave.She had a clean bill of health, minus some stress...which was like...DUH!

I didn’t take her out of the kennel until we got home and once she went to roam free....I cried when I saw her fully shaved, how much pain was relieved. My parents told me she couldn’t jump anymore and assumed because she was old. It took a few months before we had evidence that she could still in fact jump and that it was the matting that prevented her. We did buy her some steps for the bed though, since she is getting older.

I’ve had her for 1.5 years now and I know she’s happy. She’s spoiled. She also has regular vet visits, grooming visits

Now on to Shadow.

Even though I told them not to get another cat, my stupid father got one. All I know about Shadow is that was they got him from a shelter, he was able 6 months old. Hitome was 4-years-old. I’m also not sure how they got along.

Shadow was adorable and friendly when I first met him. But things changed after my mother had a stroke in 2018. When I visited Shadow would attack me. Everyone else that visited when I was over, he seemed all friendly with, but me he was an asshole. This was one of the reasons I wasn’t sure if I could bring him home.

In a sense, I’m thankful for the pandemic, because so many shelters were full and couldn’t take him. Also, with him being a black kitty, he might have had worse luck being adopted. I spent the whole week they were alone at the apartment trying to find someone who could take him. My (now husband) fiance and I live in a basement and weren’t sure if we could have room for two cats. But he saw the stress I was in. He originally thought I said that Shadow was an asshole so was hesitant, I clarified that he was only an asshole to me, he loves everyone else. So we took him to the vet (got a matte shaved off his back) and a check up. He was healthy too.

Sadly, we found that he was attacking me, because after my mom had her stroke the caring of the cats went downhill. So the only time Shadow would get attention would be when he attacked my father’s legs. He has grown out of it (mostly) and is now one of the bestest boys I’ve ever had and is just as spoiled as his sister.

Also, even though they lived together for 8 years, Hitome hates Shadows guts. She will growl at him whenever she sees him (we’ve tried everything). So at night they are separated and never left unsupervised. But there are times when Hitome is sleeping where Shadow will take a nap near her.

I’m sad I lost 10 years with my baby girl, but I’m defiantly making up for it now. 

If you got this far, thanks for reading along.These are my two prides and joys.

[shadowqueenrules-blog]

PLEASE READ!

Trigger warning: gaslighting, bad experience at ER, neurological issues, lots of swearing

Okay I’m gonna tell you all the story that I’ve been dealing with for the past two months and how I’ve been majorly gaslighted. I want this to reach a ton of people so we can get the word out.

On August 15th of this year I started developing stroke like symptoms. I’m talking stuttering, slurring, forcing out words, fingers not doing what I want them to do, headaches, ext. so I go to Urgent Care where I had an CTscan and blood tests which thankfully came back negative. They told me if it got any worse to go to the ER. My work is really cool and kept me on clerical items since I couldn’t be on the phones.

On August 18th of this year I realize that I’ve been forgetting A LOT. And I’m telling you that I forgot things for minutes at a time where I thought I’d done something but I didn’t do a single thing. My original symptoms werent getting better and I got sick that day. So I call the nurses line and they told me that I either needed to call 911 or have someone drive me to St Pete’s in Olympia, Washington. Now I don’t like posting about where I live cause I’m a nervous Nancy, but I want all of you to know what the name of this place is so I hope to GOD you never go there.

My mom, being the saint that she is, drove me to the emergency room where we waited in the waiting room for a total of 5 hours, which I didn’t mind cause I knew that there were more important cases to focus on than me.

Finally we get a room. Now….I don’t know much about HIPPA, but I’m in like a room that can fit a bed and two chairs and it’s a tight squeeze. The bed has another patient in it and the curtain is drawn. But I knew she was listening to every word I said cause she got real quiet when the doctor came in to talk to me

The doctor comes in and I start telling him everything from how it started to how it’s progressing. How I don’t even know how or why it started only that I couldn’t speak that way I that I usually do and the symptoms are getting worse.

This doctor, fucking quack that he is, says that he’s talked to neurologists about similar cases and they’d probably say it’s not a neurological issue.

Fucking what?????

Then he goes on that anxiety can manifest in different ways. BTW HE DIDNT ASK ME ABOUT MY ANXIETY LEVELS WHICH HAVE BEEN THE LOWEST ITS BEEN IN YEARS!!!!!

My mom brings up a scientific article about someone who had similar symptoms about two months after having Covid. We thought maybe this was it because I had covid back in June.

Didn’t even look at it.

Instead he said it’s probably anxiety and told me he wasn’t going to do any tests besides the hand grabbing and reading his badge.

Cause, ya know, that solves EVERYTHING!

So we spend another 20 minutes waiting for my discharge paperwork that says the reason I came in was HEADACHES! They could’ve chosen anything else I was dealing with but they chose HEADACHES!

Needless to say I immediately filed a formal grievance against the doctor.

Now, two months later, I’m able to talk mostly the way that I’m used to with only a few slips ups here and there. Honestly it’s been a rollercoaster with my symptoms so I’m hoping it doesn’t come back.

Last week I get a bill for this ER visit, which I told them that I wasn’t going to pay for cause fuck that. And the total without insurance, for the 10 mins I saw a doctor, was over $400. With insurance was almost $300. But when I called the billing department to ask wtf this was, she said “well, even though you weren’t satisfied, we still provided you a service.” EXCUSE ME MA’AM BUT YALL DIDNT DO SHIT! So I sent another email to the complaints department demanding an explanation.

And today, I got the call. This woman was finding every excuse in the god damn book. And I’m getting so emotional during this call that I have to stop myself from breaking down and crying because I was being even more traumatized.

For instance here’s a bit of our conversation.

Me: you guys literally didn’t do any testing on me.

Her: well if it’s not a life threatening issue then we’ve just been sending people on their way.

Me: but how can you know if it was a life threatening issue? I could’ve possibly had like an aneurysm that could’ve been prevented if you guys did any tests. I was clearly having a issue and I was told by the nurses line to go to this hospital.

Her: but you see they don’t actually see you so they don’t have an accurate way of telling it’s an emergency issue.

Me: you do realize I have doctors who are mad for me because of how I was treated in your ER, right? Family members that are worried. Work had to accommodate me for a month. I have an appointment with an ENT this month! I have videos of what I sounded like. Countless people are saying that it’s an emergency issue.

Her: but it wasn’t life threatening.

Me: BUT WE DIDNT KNOW THAT AT THE TIME!

This conversation went on for 20 mins.

I cannot tell you how much this experience has traumatized me. I’m almost crying at the moment cause I’m still so emotional and it’s been hours since that phone call.

I can’t tell you how angry I am right now. But if I can help at least one person with my story then I want this out there.

If you value your mental and physical health please, DO NOT GO TO ST PETERS EMERGENCY ROOM IN OLYMPIA WASHINGTON!

THEY DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU UNLESS YOU ARE BLEEDING OUT IN FRONT OF THEM!

[satinofsundays]

40 questions to ask your self every year || 2023 part two

What did you do this year that you’d never done before? I started getting interested in learning more about how market my business. Learning more about using YouTube as an example.

Did you keep your new year’s resolutions? No. However, I have given them some thoughts. It seems to me that since they usually are centered around myself I cast them away very quickly. So this year I shall try to set up a few that includes either others or me with other.

Did anyone close to you give birth? No

Did anyone close to you die? No, not close.

What cities/states/countries did you visit? Gjøvik and North-Cyprus! First plane flight since before covid-19 and I must say... It was aweful! I had seen the documentary on Netflix about Flight MH370, and Manifest... So... Yea. Let's just say that when the stewardess showed us the dropping mask, I freaked out. And you know... They do that at the start of the flight...

What would you like to have next year that you lacked this year? A steady income. I got a job this year, but they only needed me for the summer, and a few days ago a local newspaper article said that they will be moving the production further away. So.. Yes. What I really would love is to be able to have a steady income from my own business. <33

What date(s) from this year will remain etched upon your memory, and why? Well... I don't think there is any specific dates I can think of.

What was your biggest achievement of the year? Reaching over 10.000kr income at my business!

What was your biggest failure? None yet.

What other hardships did you face? So... This was last years answer to this. "Well.. I have been away from my family and learned a lot from it. I have grown, but it seems like they are struggling to see any difference. During the Trondheim trip - which was with my family - all I was feeling was hurt and sorrow. I was yelled at, looked at weirdly, I was not allowed to say anything. I was pushed down the entire time. It made me decide not to join this trip anymore. I don’t think I have ever spent so much time alone on a family trip before." - THIS year I fell into another vacation "trap". I start off thinking that things will be fiiiine, it will be good. This time will be different. They can't be like this again. But... They were. I think it was so bad this time that I will not mention much other than that I will never ever again travel with my family. Again... I do not spend much time with my family. When I try, there is always something scarring... We just do not function together anymore. Simple as that. All I can handle with them is a few hours. That is enough. Let's stop there.

Did you suffer illness or injury? No, only regular mental illness. After learning witchcraft and getting into herbs I have been better at relaxing my mind and drinking teas that are good for me. I have grown my own St. Johns Wort this year and have taken pills and drinking tea with that exact herb. It has made me feel much better. But that might also be because I spend a little more time outside caring for my plants. - My eyes seem to hurt a little bit, but I also got glasses for the first time this year, so... Not sure if it is the amount of St. John's Wort or the glasses that causes that.

What was the best thing you bought? Everything witchcraft, but also everything for my business! <33

Whose behavior merited celebration? Last year I wrote "Idk", but I know it was my boyfriend. How did I get someone that good? I think life always balances out and, besides my small wins at my business, he is my only light. So... It just all fills up in him, I guess.

Whose behavior made you appalled? Closest family members.

Where did most of your money go? Buying products for the business and at the end of the year an all black clothes wardrobe!

What did you get really, really, really excited about? Getting sales on my store! Oh my! I had about 14-15 orders a month after I started up the season in September! <33 <33

What song will always remind you of this year? Hmm... It have to be Friends by Chase Atlantic. I don't know how that song got on my playlist, but it was suddenly there and then I listened to it while at work and it suddenly just clicked with an idea I had. I played it over and over again. The idea was to use it as an intro to my future Salem travel vlog. :D :P

Compared to this time last year, are you: happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer? I think I am happier actually. Hah. Yes, I think I am. Even though I have had a few bad days recently, I do feel happier than before. I know for certain that the reason is my business. I have things to do. Things I like. And I am earning money with it. I know. Not a lot... Yet. ;) But it actually feels like something. Thinner or fatter? I think I am the same, but right now I am concerned that my health is worsening. I feel it. My body is heavy. So my body would wish it was thinner. It aims to be 70kg. Just so it reaches that normal weight range. That would be enough right now. Richer or poorer? I don't have the same income as last year when I was getting a scholarship, but this year. I feel richer even though I don't have a kr to my name atm.

What do you wish you’d done more of? What could I have done more of...? Well... Thinking about it now, I think I could have done more for my business. Get the name out there. Work smarter, not harder.

What do you wish you’d done less of? Watching tv and eating. [Written November 14th 2023]

[simply-shakera]

We The North Buxton - event recap

Happy new year to you and yours!!!!!!!!!!!

Since the last time I wrote here, I hope you've been continuing to work towards your dreams, navigating obstacles as best you can, moving your body, and spreading kindness. You know I always set out to write a post here once every month; but man, 2023 required so much of me and as a result, my social media and blog took a hit. I ultimately stopped posting and focused on being present. What I managed to complete before December 31st was my monthly recaps on instagram. IF interested, here they are:

Jan Feb Mar April May June July Aug Sept Oct Nov Dec

Now for this month’s blog! I am excited to share more about my trip to North Buxton, Ontario. There's no better time than Black History month! You see, from my brief visit to the town I was introduced to so much history and community that was rich in tradition, generational blessings, and BLACK culture. Yet, throughout all levels of my educational career, I never learned about the community before.

Located just after Chatham and right before Windsor Ontario, North Buxton is one of the largest and most successful settlement communities from the Underground Railroad. Many former American slaves who had gained freedom settled there and many of their descendants have remained till this day. Currently, over 50% of the population is Black.

To commemorate its rich history, the town hosts an annual Homecoming celebration where many descendants return home to honour their family legacies.

In September of 2023, the community celebrated the 100th anniversary of the Homecoming celebration. My company Carnival Spice was invited to perform during the event’s parade. The team and I had no idea what to expect. We just looked forward to an adventure ahead and were excited for this unique opportunity where we can share the spice.

Homecoming morning was arguably the hottest day of the year, and because it was a rural area with much farmland, the sun was beating down HARD. We embraced it and was excited to go down de road. I had the pleasure of being the MC on our music truck and the spice dancers showcased beautiful costumes and choreography.

You could feel the joy from the thousands that lined the streets. To many folks in the audience, carnival costumes and soca was a new experience for them; It was a beautiful exchange.

Once we completed the parade route, we were able to enjoy the fair afterward and spend time with folks in the town.

It felt like a big cookout filled with food, and basketball, dancing and true connection. We also learned that many of the attendees traveled from all over North America.

After covid, attendance for Homecoming had declined - so the 100th anniversary had to be extra special because many would return for this great milestone.

I loved seeing the families who wore matching t-shirts to showcase their family name. The pride was beaming and the Blackness shined bright throughout. I never thought l'd ever meet 5th, 6th, 7th and even 8th generation BLACK CANADIANS. Keep in, my family are immigrants from the Caribbean; so it was certainly a new experience for me to meet Black folks with such deep roots in this country.

Thank you North Buxton for one of the most beautiful experiences of my life. The ancestral connection, Blackness, and joy will never leave me. Looking forward to returning again soon.

"Thank you once again for helping us celebrate out 100th Labour Day Homecoming celebration! It was absolutely amazing! And you guys were the hit of the parade and in the park!!!!"  -- Shannon Prince

Shannon Prince retired as the Curator of the Buxton National Historic Site & Museum in December 2023, after 25 years of distinguished service. Shannon has received many awards and honours in recognition of extraordinary contributions, most recently she was appointed to the Order of Canada for exemplifying the Order’s motto: DESIDERANTES MELIOREM PATRIAM (“They desire a better country”). Her work has also earned her an honorary doctorate from the University of Windsor for her achievements. In January 2024, the Buxton Historical Society formally acknowledged Shannon's achievements on behalf of the museum, community, and country by appointing her as Curator Emeritus of the Buxton National Historic Site & Museum. (CONTINUE READING BIO)

[karasa]

Hi Rachel, can you hear me?

Originally published March 27th, 2021

Rachel, it’s been a year since I heard your voice. As I was sniffling and sneezing, horrifying customers with my allergies as the coronavirus became more and more real.

“It’s going to be fine, did you have some lasagna?” You looked at me. You were smiling. Everytime we talked, you were smiling. When you were telling me about how your son’s father was going to stop by, about the crazy neighbors you had, the plans you set to reinvigorate our cafe, for every trouble you shared with me and every bright moment we had together, you always smiled.

I keep trying to make a lasagna that’s as good as yours. I think of you with every bagel sandwich I order, every coffee I make at home. I think of your smile when I take a sip of my latte, I think of how your eyes lit up when I’d shuffle to the back for a new drink to try.

“Don’t be so down on yourself, it’s good!”

Rachel, I miss you so much. My life would be different if you were still here. I’d still have my friends, my job, I’d have more confidence that came from how proud you were every time I told you about something I’ve done.

Rachel, it’s so unfair. So many people have passed but I never knew it could happen to you. You are a life force that transcends what life means. You were the foundation of everything I wanted to be. Strong, self-assured, brave, proud. You were everything a perfect chef wants to be. Organized, headstrong, creative, spontaneous. You were everything a perfect mother could be. Open, thoughtful, compassionate, loud. You were everything that a COVID victim wasn’t supposed to be: healthy, careful.

When I got the call in April, I didn’t know what to think. I couldn’t. For so long you’ve been a little voice that lives in my head, every chance I had to falter I’d imagine you in the kitchen, giving me advice as you always would when service slowed down and we’d get a chance to talk.

“Mija I don’t get it, if you wanna do it, do it. Who’s stopping you but yourself?”

“Listen, I know you’re not stupid so I can trust you not to do that, because that’s stupid”

Rachel, you still inspire me. The grief that pounded on my chest for 3 months straight pushed me into therapy. I learned how to cope. How to be kind. My therapist would sit with me as I panicked and cried, as I gasped for air she would coach me on how to find myself again. But I still heard your voice. “Dude, seriously? It’s not your fault.”

Rachel, I don’t want to believe that you’re gone. I want to get a text tomorrow from you that says “I can’t believe you wrote about me, weirdo! thank u.”

What hurts me the most is knowing that I rarely said this to your face. I think you knew how I felt, you were my kitchen mom. You were THE shoulder to cry on, you were THE person who would hang our accomplishments on the fridge. The person who knew how to make everyone smile. The person who loved through food.

Our last words to each other were “I love you. I’m going to miss you.”

I remember the hug you gave me after I told you I was leaving for spring break. That the soonest we’d see each other would be the end of March.

Rachel, I wish I could’ve taken you that day. I would’ve hid you from the world, protected you from the transmission of the virus that killed you. I would’ve done things better.

“He’s a keeper, you know. I really liked him.” You said, after my boyfriend came to visit the summer before. Maybe it was you that cancelled my flights and pushed us to move in together. Maybe it’s you that’s been protecting me and all of our other cafe family members.

Rachel, I know you can hear me.

I don’t know what death means, but I know that the extra boost I feel from making excellent food is your smile radiating. I know that the accomplishments I’ve had feel better, because I feel your hug and I can see the happy dance you’d do when things really went your way.

Rachel, I never knew I’d speak of you in the past tense. Maybe 20 years from now when we’d be distant memories of each other, waxing poetic to our inner circle about how we made a home out of a cafe on Washington street. I never knew that you wouldn’t be around.

Rachel, I love you. I miss you. You are my best friend. I’m an entire time zone away from our first and last meeting place, but you’re in my heart always.

Rachel, I know you can hear me. Thank you for listening.

[bkenvs3000w24]

The Magical Place Beyond the Gate

My fondest memories start with the joy of our summer routine where I felt a sense of place beyond the confines of our backyard. Every warm afternoon after having brunch, the allure of the bright sun drew my sister and I outside. At the far side of our backyard stood a gate guarding the entrance that led to a world of imagination. If you were to ask my parents what it is I’m blabbering about they’d say, “Oh, it's just your average track and football field.” But to us, everyday turned into a brand new adventure. Hearing the neighborhood kids laugh vibrate through the open field caused us to hasten to unlock the gate because the metal gate was burning hot beneath our touch. 

Past the gate was where my childhood friends and I first learnt how to ride our bikes, climb trees and also received scars and bruises due to the hard asphalt. It became a place where we all shared laughs and friendly races. We would invent and play new games, have picnics, and water balloon fights until the bright moonlight would shine down and mosquitoes would be nipping at our skin and our parents would get tired of calling us back inside.

As the years went by, our summers don’t look the same anymore as most of the neighborhood kids moved away but my love for the adventures past the gate never changed. I’d say my relationship with nature did take a brief hiatus until Covid happened. I loved being outdoors as I’d see old and new faces going for their daily mental health walks and I even pulled out my old roller blades and got back into it.

Those few months of every summer during my childhood essentially helped develop my relationship with nature. If I weren’t given the opportunity to immerse myself in exploring the outdoors as a child, I probably wouldn’t have enjoyed many of the life experiences I’ve encountered. With that, my relationship with nature evolved, bringing considerable delight to my parents as they now had two daughters who willingly explore the outdoors with them. In the past few years we have been hiking in places like Banff, we drove alongside the California coast on the PCH highway making frequent stops to visit the pristine beaches and other historic sites. 

Being outdoors has become pivotal in my life as I realize how much better I feel when I am out roller skating or simply just taking it all in while sitting in the backyard. There are times when I forget to take a breather simply because I am overwhelmed due to school. However, a brief outdoor walk serves as a rejuvenation method and it helps me clear my head. It is a reminder to everyone reading this, that taking time for yourself and appreciating the nature around you is not neglecting your responsibilities but essential for you! 

This is a birds eye view of the gate through my backyard which leads to the track and field