#what is 15.20

[katsidhe]

I mean I very much do understand the interpretation that Sam’s parenting would have serious flaws. I can understand why Sam’s John apologism and Dean apologism and his general inability to stand up for Jack make his suitability as a parent questionable.

But also, answering that question is a pretty key thematic thing that the end of s15 is trying to accomplish? And I don’t just mean that in 15.20, which is not the end of Sam’s arc so much as it is the epilogue. The climax is in 15.17, wherein Sam stands up to Dean for Jack, in exactly the way that he failed to do in 14.20. That’s our thematic answer, that’s Sam learning from his mistakes, that’s Sam choosing a better way.

And yes I get that there’s all the heavy baggage Sam’s carrying under it all, one moment does not a perfect father make, but I think it’s pretty fair to say that “Sam choosing to save Jack in defiance of Dean —> Sam chooses to raise his son outside of hunting” is a pretty decisive through-line, as parental themes go.

[number-one-castiel-apologist]

“The One Thing I Can Never Have”

It’s always sunset in this part of paradise, and Dean is sitting on his front porch, with a perfectly cold beer in his hand. A chorus of birds are singing in the trees. The air is crisp and fresh, and nothing has ever been more serene. Calm. Perfect. Or, it should be, but there’s one thing missing. The one thing that makes it all mean nothing. Him. 

He still hasn’t been able to find him. Sam’s seen him, Bobby’s seen him, even freakin’ Garth’s seen him. But he’s been avoiding Dean, staying away from every place in heaven that he frequents. And Dean’s got no idea why— why he would leave after what he said. 

He spent so long wishing that Castiel (a damn Angel of the lord) could be capable of loving him. Loving him back. He spent so long denying his own feelings, cause he thought they’d never have a chance together. And then Cas was confessing, and he was alone, on the floor, with his heart ripped out of his chest and a bloody handprint on his shoulder. And Dean didn't say anything. He couldn’t. He didn’t even know how to process it when those words passed over Cas’ lips.  Now, he had been in heaven for what would’ve been almost three months on earth, and Cas wouldn’t see him. He was actively avoiding him. That son of a bitch. 

Dean stares out at the horizon, with the sprawling golden fields and shining skies. He knows what he’s gotta do. So, he gets down on his knees next to the old oak bench on his front porch. He bows his head and clasps his hands together. He doesn’t even know if prayers will work here, ‘upstairs’— if Cas can hear him. But he can’t do.. this. He can’t spend eternity without his angel. 

“Cas. Castiel, I— uh, c’mon, man, please don’t do this. Don’t be a stranger. Don’t leave me. I…” Dean takes a breath. “I need you.” He looks up, fighting the tears filling his eyes. “I can’t let that goodbye be the end.” Of this. Of us. “Please.”

The familiar noise of rustling feathers fills the air. Dean feels the wind like a warm summer breeze against his spine. 

“Hello, Dean.” Cas’ voice is rough and unsure. 

Dean whirls around, startling to his feet. He can see the hesitance in Castiel’s eyes. The fear.  For a moment Dean doesn’t know how to start— what to say —even when he’s thought of this a thousand times. “..Cas.” He’s choked up. A smile comes to his face, his eyes begin to tear up even more. 

“Dean.” Cas repeats, shifting awkwardly. He fixes his gaze onto his shoes. 

Dean melts. “God you have no idea— Why? Why haven’t I seen you? You’ve been to see everyone else, but not me. Why?”

“I thought that it was what you would prefer. After what happened in the bunker. I-” Cas glances away, “-didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

Dean’s heart breaks. Twelve freaking years, and Cas couldn’t see how much he wanted him. He never understood that he was all he’d wanted. More than anything. For a long time now. 

I didn’t know how to face you. “I wasn’t sure if you would want to see me again.”

“Of course I’d wanna see you again. Cas, you’re….” My friend. Everything to me. More. Dean isn’t usually at a loss for words, but right now he’s thinking of too many to get a single one out. 

“We could.. assume a pretense where this never happened.” pain is written all across Cas’ face. “I…” he takes the longest pause in the history of long pauses, “…could wipe your memory even, if you’d like for me to do that.”

The words hit Dean like a 300 pound UFC champion just socked him in the jaw. “Are you sayin’ you didn't mean it?” Dean wants to give him an out, a way to go back to before anything changed. (And half of him even believes that maybe, Cas has decided he doesn’t want him. After he‘d drank himself into oblivion and then died on a rusty nail. Really—it was suicide, if he’s being honest. ) He gives him a way out, because more than anything he just wants Cas back in his life. Or, well, afterlife. The point is, he can’t stand to be without him. Ever. 

“I..” Cas chokes up. He doesn’t know how to do this. How to let himself feel. But he doesn’t want to lose Dean, either. That would be his worst nightmare. “I tried to save you.” The tenderness in his voice can’t hide his anger or sadness. “You weren’t supposed to die so young.” His face is broken. His bright, blue eyes are shining with tears. 

“You sacrificed yourself. For me.” Dean has to stop himself from reaching out to dry Cas’ eyes. “But I couldn’t— I couldn’t live without you, man. And I didn’t know what to say, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Cas. Just please tell me you ain’t taking it back.” Dean looks at him with a pleading, unwavering gaze. 

Cas looks almost offended at the thought that he ever would. “No. I’m not. I meant what I said.” His heart skips a beat. His hands are fisted tightly at his sides. He’s afraid to reach out for Dean. He doesn’t know if he can have him yet. If he’ll ever have him. The one thing I can never have. 

“..Need to, um.. hear you say it.” The birds and the wind are all distant now. White noise, unimportant over the sound of Dean’s hammering heart. 

Cas furrows his brow, tilting his head to the side in confusion. “I already--“

Dean cuts him off. “I know, Cas.” His throat is tight and his lungs hurt. Hell, his whole chest does. The tension is killing him. 

“Dean…” He looks up at him, a thousand questions running through his head. 

Dean’s expression softens. “Please.” I need this. The same way I need you. 

Cas remembers the joy he felt. The desperation. The heartache. The empty swallowing him whole. He’s terrified to say it again. Terrified of this longing. But Dean is looking at him like he’s his whole world, and who is he to deny him this? “I do mean it.” His voice is barely a whisper, but still firm. Reassuring Dean. “I love you.”

Dean lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I love you too, Cas. And I need you.” You’ve always had me. I’ll tell you that, someday. He steps forward, into his angel’s arms. He hugs him, tight. His fists are balled up in the material of Cas’ trenchcoat. His face is buried in his collar. 

Cas smells like soap and the outdoors. He smells.. almost human. The tears are flowing from Dean’s eyes now. He shakes his head in disbelief as he breaks their embrace. Cas loves him. Him— the killer and the Micheal sword and the weapon. ‘Daddy’s blunt little instrument.’ Everything you’ve done, you’ve done for love. 

“I’m never letting you go.” Dean holds Cas’ face tenderly in his hands. “Never again. Do you hear me?”

“Yes.” Cas smiles softly at him. “I hear you.” All he can think of is how grateful he is that Dean even wants to see him again. And furthermore, Dean loves him back. Dean Winchester loves him. He lets the heaviness on his shoulders ease away. This is it. 

Dean wipes away the trails of his tears with trembling fingers. Finally. “God.. Cas,” Dean bites his lower lip, almost hard enough to draw blood. “--will you… can I—- ” The rays of sunlight are reflecting through his eyes, making them a beautiful, golden green. He inhales sharply, desperate. Hopeful. “Kiss me?”

Cas answers through pulling Dean in by his jacket, tilting his head upwards, and pressing his lips against Dean’s. 

Dean’s eyes flutter shut, and he kisses him back. He leans in, holding Cas tightly like he could be ripped away from him again at any moment. Cas is steady, where Dean is barely holding on by a thread now. One of his hands finds its way to Cas’ wrinkled tie to pull him closer. He cards his fingers through his hair with the other. It’s slightly longer than it was on earth, falling through his grip in loose, dark waves. 

When Jack brought him back from The Empty, Cas became different. Human. He lives and he breathes now. Dean can feel it— his breath, his pulse. He’s warm, and his heart is beating, and he’s here. Alive. Cas’ lips are chapped. His hair is tangled, and Dean thinks that he might finally be happy. Free. Just the way he always wanted. Dean takes a deep breath, and he melts into Castiel’s arms, smiling into their kiss. 

[deancasforcutie]

when the surrogate dad in your found family accepts you

[weidli]

03:11 // 15:20

supernatural really said. none of us are getting out of this story all of us are stuck. dean voice you knew it was always gonna end like this for me. trickster voice how long will it take you to realize? you can’t save your brother. no matter what

[windtraces]

saw a post from someone with brain damage (different cause but still brain damage) and just. man i need to talk to more people with brain damage.

[deancasforcutie]

#and some people blame the writers! *scoffs* #even after reading these #y'all... if multiple writers put this type of stuff in their scripts and it routinely got taken out or softened... why do you blame them?! #the words aren't appearing there by magic! #the writers are -wait for it- writing them. #if after the studio and network give their own passes to the script those words are changed or missing -- GUESS WHOSE FAULT IT IS #hint: not the writers (via @ironworked)

spn scripts make me sick bc wdym dean was supposed to say "i love you" in the crypt scene??? wdym cas was supposed to go to his own personal heaven that was full of pictures of dean?? wdym dean spread cas' ashes in a field by a windmill bc he thought cas would have liked it?? wdym dean was supposed to tell cas "i wanted you to stay" in his purgatory prayer?? wdym that while dean was worrying about them dying cas was thinking about how beautiful dean was??? wdym sam was supposed to mention cas while dean was dying???? i am physically unwell.

[dotthings]

Okay yeah I am really really tired of this. So I'm just going to say outright that what spn did with 15.18, with Cas's confession, that was a whole lot of people at spn showing their love and support. Writers, Jensen and Misha, the director, and anyone else who cared--which was a good number of people who worked at spn. It was the show full on validating fan lens and the deliberate crafted work of writers that had to queer code Destiel for years due to network censorship.

Crew members were in tears watching that Dean and Cas scene get filmed.

No, Cas's love for Dean wasn't last minute added.

No, it didn't come out of nowhere.

It was a 12 season arc payoff.

It was many seasons, who knows how many years, of writers weaving it into the text.

Who even knows when the deliberation to try to push it into text decision was made. I usually think Carver era, but then Ben Edlund said some things and...who knows.

No, spn was not gaslighting and mocking Destiel shippers.

The original plan for the finale at the time 15.18 was filmed had Cas be there for the ending. They made 15.18 in good faith believing they'd be able to follow through on Destiel, as much as they could get away with it.

15.18 was filmed in March 2020 and the pandemic production shutdown hit a few days into filming 15.19. Production shutdown gave some higher ups too much time to think, and too much of an opening and an excuse to strip back 15.20.

Without the network support the most spn could do on Destiel anway was thread the needle to get as much into the text as they could, even if they couldn't make it open. But they tried to make it anyway within those parameters. They deserve credit for that and they didn't know how 15.20 was going to be stripped back when they filmed 15.18.

So tired of seeing malice assigned to the effort of the creatives who did it. Who told that story within a restrictive system.

Cas's confession wasn't even queer coded. That was the moment it switched to loud and blatant. Misha even said he was astonished they were allowed to film it at all. Lack of network support and PR erasure set in afterwards.

No, it wasn't fanservice. It was integral to the plot!!!! The major giant stakes save the world endgame plot!!!!!!!!!!!!

15.18 was respectful.

15.18 was showing the love!!!!

[aliusfrater]

do you have domestic sam & jack hcs

yes of course

sam was the one who taught him how to do basic hygiene stuff. they took it step by step though like sam mimed how to shower to jack and showed him how to use the appliances in the shower room then when jack got out and dressed, sam taught him how to brush his teeth by brushing his own with jack

in a similar fashion they have a kind of touchy relationship in a very caregiver-ward kind of way that jack doesn't have with anyone else. very often sam will do stuff like reach up and fix his eyebrows or smooth down his hair or use the back of his fbi getup's tie to wipe at jack's face (cas manages this kind of relationship in the angel sense)

jack likes nougat and sam doesn't like when jack has too much nougat at once and they came upon these revelations to each other when jack simply asked for some and was unfortunately immediately locked into a fifteen minute lecture about why having too much of it at any one time is bad for you

sam's fidget toys started going missing but really jack just kept picking them up and taking them places while using them, then forgetting to put them back

they get into debates about fantasy ethics all the time because of how similar their tastes in film are (canonically, jack's is just the same as sam's because sam introduced him to his own film preference first, we know this). this one annoys dean to no end

sam is good at math, but he's not particularly inclined towards it but jack LOVES math. he really likes psychics and applying it to what he can perceive as the being that he is. sam very often gets locked into jack's bouts of info dumping which is usually just elaborate math equations drawn on his tablet as he explains what he's doing. past a certain point, this also becomes a cas and jack thing

jack sometimes ends up just trailing behind sam when sam's in a research frenzy. sometimes you'll see sam walk through a room with jack right behind him, they'll reappear after like ten minutes, with them both going in the opposite direction, this time with sam absently explaining what he found in storage for his research to jack

based on an adi fic: sam can see souls and since sam's (fucked up) soul was the first he ever saw, that unintentionally became jack's standard for souls until he realised that it wasn't normal. but it was just sam's and he loved sam

frequently when drunk between the end of 15.19 and dean's death in 15.20, a lot of sam's drunk public crying would be about jack and missing him

[samisadeangirl]

Hey Mama Bear, you forgot to point out that 15.18 Despair didn't "vindicate" Destiel at all because:

1) Castiel's ILY wasn't explicitly romantic, particularly given that the rest of his speech talked about familial and altruistic love, he's said ILY to the Winchesters in a clearly familial way before, and nothing in his 12 seasons showed his relationship with Dean as more than platonic (Heller "interpretation" doesn't count), and

2) even if you "interpret" his ILY as romantic, Dean very obviously didn't reciprocate, and a one-sided love is just a crush, not a relationship.

May 5th

Carry On (15.20)

the two final episodes were a disaster  I love this little show so much that not even the finale could ruin it for me. The ending sucked, but the way I see it, destiel is canon and Dean and Cas will have an eternity to dance around each other in heaven (even if that didn’t do justice to their characters).  I love finale denying hellers. They have to be the saddest, most pathetic of all beings on Earth. 🤣🤣

I find comfort in the fact that the ending sucked not just for Dean and Cas, but for almost every character.  LMAO, Sam who? Or is he considered "every character"?

[lyssophobiaa]

Half spelled promises & cigarette burns.

Rusty Key Motel, Alabama.

May 22nd. $39.00 – cash only

Room 12. You left the door open while you showered.

Back:

I saw the scar on your hip.

I wanted to ask.

I didn’t.

You said I looked tired.

I wanted to say “I miss you,” but you were right there.

Isn’t that stupid?

—T

Marathon Gas, Louisiana.

May 25th. $7.03 – matches, Dr. Pepper, one cheap disposable camera

You took a picture of me while I wasn’t looking.

I almost deleted it.

Didn’t.

You said I looked like someone who still had hope.

You’re a liar.

—T

Motel 8, North Carolina

June 1st — $38.00

Receipt is torn at the corner, creased and over-folded.

You left the window open again.

I watched you fall asleep to the sound of trucks on the highway.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look so peaceful while being so loud.

You talk in your sleep.

You said my name.

I wanted to say it back.

Maybe next time.

—B

7-Eleven in Kentucky

June 18th — $6.63 (Slim Jims, sunglasses, one purple Slurpee)

You were asleep when I almost left.

Keys in hand, boots on, heart in my throat.

But you twitched in your sleep and muttered “Stay.”

So I did.

Just this once.

Maybe again tomorrow.

—T

Waffle House – 2am

June 26 — $17.89 (coffee, scattered hashbrowns, pecan waffle)

You stormed out after three bites.

Said I was “acting like a savior again.”

I didn’t follow you.

But I paid your tab anyway.

You’re not the only one who knows how to run.

—B

Motel 9 – Room 109

July 1 — $39.75

You slept with your back to me.

But you pulled the blanket over my shoulder at 3am.

I think that means you forgive me.

Or maybe you just didn’t want me cold.

Either way, thanks.

—B

Circle K – Tennessee border

July 27 — $5.31 (lighter, beef jerky, orange soda)

I came back, didn’t I?

You didn’t say a word. Just passed me the soda like we hadn’t just ripped each other in half.

That’s the closest we get to sorry.

—T

BP Gas Station, Mississippi

July 28 — $15.20

You said you didn’t need me.

Then you asked if I had a cigarette.

So which is it?

You either hate me or you’re scared to lose me.

I hope it’s the second one.

—B

Seedy Motel, unnamed town

August 6 — $36.99

You cried.

You never cry.

I didn’t know what to do.

So I held your hand like we weren’t both falling apart.

I said it was gonna be okay.

I lied.

I’m sorry.

—T

Motel 10 – Room 208 – August 24 – $41.70

Blood on the edge. Not enough to be alarming. Enough to wonder.

We fought.

Like, really fought.

I said things I didn’t mean. You did too.

You hit the mirror. It hit back.

I cleaned your hand.

You said, “Why do you always stay?”

I didn’t answer.

But the answer’s written all over this room.

—B

Rusted gas station on Route 53

August 30 — $6.12 (Red Vines, Twinkies, two packs of Marlboros)

I said I hated you.

You didn’t flinch.

Just said “okay.”

I didn’t mean it.

I just wanted to know if you’d fight for me.

You didn’t.

—T

Motel 11 –September 5 – $38.20

You kissed me in the shower like we weren’t drowning.

Like the water could wash the fear off.

It didn’t.

But God, you were warm.

—B

Motel 12, last one they stayed in together

October 15 — $41.11

You finally said it.

“I love you.”

Like it burned your throat on the way out.

I wanted to bottle the moment and drink it for the rest of my life.

I said it back. You looked scared.

I kissed you anyway.

You didn’t run.

That’s how I’ll remember you.

—B

Waffle House – October 16 – $18.04

You said, “We could stop running, you know.”

I said, “We can’t.”

But I wanted to.

God, I wanted to.

You make impossible things sound easy.

—T

Abandoned rest stop – February 7 – $0.00

You said, “Promise me you won’t leave without saying goodbye.”

I said, “I promise.”

I lied.

I’m sorry.

I didn’t know it’d be the last time.

I didn’t know you’d be the last thing I’d think about.

You always were.

—B

Motel receipt – found in Brian’s glovebox, never given to Tim – March 4 – $38.40

I’m scared.

Not of what’s out there.

Not even of dying.

I’m scared you’ll forget me.

Like I was just a pit stop on your way to burning brighter.

But God, I hope you don’t.

—B

The last one – no receipt, no amount. Torn corner of a map. Mud-stained. Ink smudged from rain. Tim’s handwriting. Unmistakably his. —

I looked for you in every motel hallway.

In every flickering sign.

In the static.

You’re nowhere.

But you’re everywhere.

I’m sorry.

I love you.

—T

[passengerseatsam]

I must have stood outside your dorm for hours. Because I didn't know what you would say. I thought you'd tell me to get lost, or get dead. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't have you.

deleted lines from supernatural script 1.01 | 15.20 (x)

[scoobydoodean]

speaking of your "15.20 is like a punishment for Sam" idea, I've thought that Dean's death, Sam living on, etc. was supposed to echo the season 3 finale, except with a sort of remixing of Sam & Dean's roles.

imo it was only a few minutes that Dean was in heaven without Sam, because Bobby says time works differently in heaven ("Time up here, it's… it's different. You got everything you could ever want… or need or… dream.") in what seems like a deliberate echo of Dean's line around his time in hell ("It was four months up here, but down there… I don't know. Time's different.") so: in 3.16, Sam isn't able to save Dean, Dean dies & goes to hell, Sam goes on his revenge quest vs. 15.20 Sam isn't able to save Dean, Dean dies & goes to heaven, Sam lives a 'normal' life until he dies & reunites w/ Dean. Dean spends 40 years in hell, Sam 4 months on earth; Dean spends a few minutes (say 4) in heaven, Sam spend ~40 years on earth/in metaphorical 'hell' or at least in grief before finally reuniting w/ Dean. as you say, all the people Sam is closest to die/leave and he just has to live on for decades after. he does get his 'reward' in going to heaven and reuniting with Dean and everybody else, but still!

(on a writing level, it feels revealing to me that the writers didn't go with a remix of season 3's original ending, of Sam being able to save Dean. because the actual season 3 ending didn't happen naturally but because of real-world setbacks. yeah yeah Dean dying & Sam carrying on it fits with the show's focus on how people deal with death and death's inevitability, but... idk, there's something about it that just feels off to me. can't explain it logically though.)

Yeah that's one of the other Big Things for me about the ending of Supernatural is that it presents Sam as a failure who tried over and over to save his brother but always failed. He wanted to save Dean in season 3 and failed repeatedly and it ripped him apart. He deluded himself into thinking (to an extent) that he was saving Dean somehow in season 4 (see: 4.12 and 4.18) but he epically failed. Season 5 was supposed to culminate in some sort of redemption in a way, but then Sam came back soulless and harmed Dean. Then in 8.14, he promised to save Dean from his suicidal thoughts, but then became suicidal himself, tried to kill himself, blamed Dean for not Sam not killing himself, and then Dean did something reckless (take on the Mark of Cain) as a build up to literal years of depression and then again at the end of season 9, culminating in his death (and Sam was trying to be there but Dean got stabbed through the heart anyway). Then Sam makes a series of incredibly morally dubious plays to save Dean in season 10 but unleashes the darkness at the same time, which again—culminates in Dean needing to die to save the world at the end of season 11 (with a brief stint where Sam tries to take on the Mark of Cain but fails). Then Dean succeeds in stopping the world from ending all on his own, and comes to save Sam from the BMoL. Then Dean agrees to be possessed by AU Michael to save Sam and Jack. Then Dean makes the box plan and Sam insists Dean not get in the Mal-ak box and that he trust Sam to fix all of this. Then they don't actually fucking fix it. It all blows up in their faces and causes a chain reaction like so many dominos toppled over.

And over all of that time... Sam also has a fixation on trust. He wants Dean to trust him so bad, but Sam never actually succeeds at the things he promises/wants and tries to get Dean to believe he can do so bad (without dire consequences). And I don't think Dean resents Sam for that, and I really don't actually think he distrusts Sam either in the late series. But I think it weighs on Sam and that's part of why he has a fixation on trust to begin with that he can never really let go of. All that to say... if I had to summarize the "brothers" storyline, it culminates in Sam failing at the number one thing he wanted to accomplish most: save Dean from a young and bloody death. And the fact that the majority of the people who claim to love Sam and Dean's brotherhood more than anything celebrate that as poetic disgusts me, because there is nothing poetic about it at all. It's meaningless garbage that makes Sam look like an utter failure who is being punished.

[soft-pine]

do you think dean has a tendency to point to a person's past mistakes more than other characters? im not saying this is "wrong" behavior from him im just curious if you agree. i think other characters point out his past mistakes quite a bit as well, but i dont really see a problem with dean pointing out past mistakes as a guide for why something is making him uncomfortable/scared/worried (such as pointing to season 6 castiel behavior and being worried [to the point of anger] that cas is repeating his mistakes in 9x22 and lying to him and sam again, or getting mad repeatedly at sam for leaving kevin with crowley for a year).

like i think sam (justifiably) points to the situation with gadreel as an example for why he's mad at dean for several episodes, and i dont think i'd consider this "weaponizing" dean's mistakes against him and totally understand why he struggles with trusting/engaging with dean socially during the period after gadreel is expelled.

im coming to you because you tend to catalogue stuff very thoroughly and figured you'd know best.

hi anon! i am honored you thought of me but i certainly wouldn't claim to know best! especially as this isn't a specific thing i've been keeping track of.

but i tend to agree with you in that i don't think dean disproportionately brings up other people's actions as a gotcha. in fact, i tend to see him as one of the most flexible and forgiving people on the show. in fact it's to the point where in 5.02 and 15.03, him not being immediately conciliatory and forgiving enough is grounds for a break which dean is often criticized for.

i also agree with your characterization of how dean often points these things out as a way to articulate why he's feeling what he's feeling. and with the kevin stuff, he's not harping on a past situation, he is actively trying to resolve an ongoing crisis.

i'm not sure what conversation you've seen about dean being overly critical or whatever.

but i also want to point out that sam spends a significant amount of s1 berating dean for the way dean follows john's orders. like that comes up in multiple, multiple episodes (1.02, 1.08, 1.10, 1.11, 1.18, 1.20 to name a few). we know from 1.11, 14.12, and 15.20 that dean wishes he had behaved differently around john and regrets the ways he never pushed back, etc. (i want to be clear here i am not criticizing a child for how he chose to navigate a course to survive an abusive childhood.)

cas is also specifically critical of dean's "failures" in 5.02 and 5.19. the oft omitted lines which come after "i'm hunted. i rebelled and i did it, all of it, for you" are:

CASTIEL: and you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world—and I lost everything, for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself.

in 5.18 he says, among other things:

CASTIEL: Maybe they're desperate. Maybe they wrongly assumed Dean would be brave enough to withstand them.

and later:

CASTIEL: Maybe it is. But then I won’t have to watch you fail. I’m sorry, Dean. I don’t have the same faith in you that Sam does.

this is in the context of Cas being angry that Dean was going to agree to possession from michael.

i'm not trying to bash on cas or sam here. just saying that, i don't know, in over 15 years of world-ending events and sacrifices and disagreements about how to handle them, they have all done things which didn't sit right with each other and which they fought about at the time and sometimes still bring up later either in anger or for context. i don't really think any of them particularly stand out as doing that disproportionately or more than the others. (though i do feel dean receives a disproportionate amount of criticism from characters in the show but i guess that's kind of another convo).

hope this made some sense! sorry it took me hot min to reply to!

[deanbrainrotwritings]

— CITY GROWN WILLOW

SUMMARY : in which dean doesn’t die in 15.20 and he’s a stay-at-home dad (hot as hell) and the reader works at a company (vague as hell).

PAIRING : dean winchester x fem!reader

CHARACTERS : dylan (OMC), andy (OMC), daphne (OFC)

WARNINGS/TAGS : nsfw(18+), smut, pregnant sex, oral sex, fluff, ANGST, sexual harassment

WORD COUNT : 7.1K

A/N : title from radio company’s song. I wrote this while rewatching the Winchesters 😭 god, I miss dean so bad. also, I edited this while watching she-hulk when it was airing. anyway, enjoy this long masterpiece since I’ve been neglecting y’all :( X

Y/N chuckled softly at her colleague Dylan. He’d been a good friend for two and a half years. Ever since he started to work for her, he’d been really helpful and cooperative, taking the lead when she wasn’t there to make sure everything was still as it should be.

They had a meeting to talk about a project he wanted to speak to her about and Y/N had accepted his request to hear him out. She was a little confused by the fancy place he’d chosen, but she’d gone anyway and left Dean with the twins and Mavis. He’d whined and pouted adorably before kissing her goodbye even though he knew days before she’d be busy that night.

She’d been nervous for a month. And yeah, maybe she accepted Dylan’s offer because she didn’t want Dean to see her naked, or more.. the bump that started to show which she hid beneath loose dresses like the current black kimono dress her best friend Daphne got her for Christmas.

She made multiple excuses the whole month to not be near Dean, either in the morning or the night, when he was still awake, but she made up for it by buying him gifts and having lunch with him during his break. Innocently, no funny business. And she’d told no one she’s pregnant, as if it made it any less real that she was carrying a baby inside her when the last one she and Dean had was barely five years old.

She wasn’t sure she could handle it or that Dean could—but mostly, she didn’t think she could.

So, she declined the red wine Dylan ordered for her—which irritated her a little because he knew she never drank in the first place. And she didn’t make a big deal out of it, chalked it up to his busy mind forgetting, and slowly started to eat her meal while listening to him talk about things that had nothing to do with work. She let him talk about whatever he wanted to because the more time she wasted at the restaurant with him, the less chance she had of seeing Dean—well, the less chance she had to spend the whole night lying to him about the fact that she was pregnant.

Dylan relaxed a little against the booth, but she remained tense, her mind racing about the thought of her being pregnant but also about how to tell Dean. That’s how she’d spent most of her month. Her mind was someplace else, but her body was still in reality, automatically being attentive so no one would ask her what was wrong. Although, she may have missed the hints Dylan had been throwing her way, comments about how she looked more beautiful than usual, and how she was the perfect woman a man could ask for.

She’d shrugged it off the way she usually did, not really wanting to deal with the fact that her friend was literally flirting with her. Mostly, not wanting to accept that the only reason he got close to her was because he had romantic feelings for her, knowing in full that she was married and had kids. But especially not wanting to think too hard about the way he’s tried touching her, knowing she was married, but also, knowing that she didn’t like to be touched. And though she should have paid more attention, should have talked to Dylan directly instead of saying ‘stop’ or ‘no’, after she recoiled from his touch and shoved him off of her when he’d go for it again with a little more force… she didn’t think she needed to say more since she had made it clear that his advances were undesired on her part.

When she dumped work and projects on him so he could take half of what she had on her plate—a clear sign that he was just a colleague and a friend to her, she’d imagined he’d hate her. Instead, he took it as her wanting to spend time with him. Even though when he got her to talk, all she could talk about was Dean and her kids. When he’d make unpleasant comments about Dean’s job or the way Dean dressed, she’d defend her husband with a little confusion and ferocity while Dylan just laughed it off and claimed he was joking.

If she thought about it too hard, it hurt so bad on top of the fact that she was too stressed with being in charge of the Space Technology and Exploration section of Morningstar Industries, making sure her kids were doing good in school and knowing she was present in their lives, but also making sure she wasn’t fully neglecting her wonderful husband who truly didn’t deserve that she was lying to him.

Then, she’d been afraid for a while when she’d spoken to the board director, Andy, her close friend, and blurted out how uncomfortable Dylan had been making her feel with his words and his actions. He’d stared at her worriedly, anger darkening his eyes which she’d nearly missed, and then she forgot about it in between all her work and the mess in her brain.

But it all seemed so much worse at night. When she’d return from work, when she’d cry in the shower, and then laid in bed with her mind racing endlessly so she’d wake up as exhausted as she’d been before she slept.

There were too many things and her temper was short, overstimulated by all the tiny things that she could usually handle a little better than she had recently. And she dreaded to think of the possibility that she’d hurt Dean’s feelings, or Wanda’s, or Bruce’s, or Mavis’. And she worried about having done something wrong when she signed off on projects or something else because she simply wasn’t retaining the information on the endless sheets of paper.

She even had a copious amount of work and projects that she left half-finished, which was mostly normal, but it had now piled up to being too much, and when Dylan offered to help her, he’d been like a hero to her. He took most of the weight, but clearly expected something from her that she was never going to give.

When he’d finished and she’d abandoned her plate of food, only capturing the first and last topic he’d spoken of—which was typical as well—she’d smiled at him tightly. She was so good at pretending she’d listen because she usually could. Typically, she missed a few bits and pieces of information—since her mind went off to think of something to add to what the other person said, where she’d stop herself outwardly, but internally continued her own monologue and completely forgot about what the person was saying, which was never her intention.

Dylan leaned forward slightly, his eyes suddenly different, his soft and slightly moist hand landing on top of hers—specifically the one that had the white gold wedding band and engagement ring Dean picked out. She froze, stared into his icy blue eyes with her breath caught in her throat, suddenly all her thoughts were silent, but just for a moment before they started up again thinking of all the things this could mean.

“I didn’t just want to talk about work…” he started, his soft voice made her stomach churn and she didn’t know if it was the fact that she was pregnant, stressed, if it was the food she partially ate, or simply the disgust she felt knowing where this was going. “We’ve been spending a lot of time together and I.. well, I always thought you were breathtaking and.. I think you feel the same about me… you know? I.. I’m in love with you…”

She had to swallow the bit of bile that raised up her oesophagus, sweat breaking out on her hairline, her heart beating fast. She moved her hand out from under his and his cheek twitched with irritation when she reached for her glass of icy water and downed all of it. The cold liquid swished around her insides and she felt too suffocated, grateful that people were mostly quiet, that the tables were separated from each other, and that the lights were mostly dim because she would have had a fit and left dramatically from overstimulation.

He cleared his throat and she looked up from the white cloth that covered the table, his long dirty blond hair fell over one half of his face and he chuckled nervously, reaching over to tuck a strand of her hair behind her ear.

“I’m married,” she reminded him lamely, recoiling at his touch. His hand froze midair and he wrapped it around her wrist where her electronic watch rested. He played with the magnet of the steel band and scooted forward across the table until she could smell the wine in his breath.

She really had been so oblivious all this time.

When the watch turned on to reveal a picture of Dean carrying both Wanda and Bruce when she’d given birth to them, he glared at it. Guilt from lying to Dean and shame from having missed all the signs of harassment burned up her throat to the tips of her ears.

“Lots of married people have affairs,” he commented offhandedly. Her lips parted in shock, her brain moving slowly when he slid around the booth to sit next to her. Her heart nearly jumped out of her chest, fearful when his hand appeared on her knee, his thumb brushing against the inside of her thigh.

“I’m pregnant,” she blurted out. He froze, staring at her in surprise, but he had something for that too somehow. While she felt a sense of relief saying it out loud, the fear that had frozen her in her seat still hadn’t dissipated.

“That’s not a problem,” he said calmly, leaning forward, but she moved back until his hand stopped her by covering the back of her neck to pull her towards him again. “People can still have sex when they’re pregnant.. Stop playing hard to get, I know you want me.” Suddenly all her weakening emotions flew out of her body until anger boiled over her blood. She got up abruptly and glared at him, shoving the table into him, trapping him from escaping and also making her neglected wine glass tip over to stain his suit in red. “What the fuck?!” He hissed angrily, failing to even budge the table away from his body.

“I’ve told you over and over again not to touch me,” she spat, “and if the way I always moved away from you wasn’t a fucking obvious sign that you disgust me, I hope this helps: you’re fucking fired.” She picked up her bag and shoved the chair she’d been sitting in with the back of her knees until it nearly fell over. Suddenly people looked at them and Dylan looked away from her, smiling as if everything was okay, but there was anger in his eyes when he looked up at her.

“You liked it, you whore,” he growled, shame wrenched her heart and tears pooled in her eyes, “stop victimising yourself when you’ve been leading me on for two years.” Instead of saying anything, her tongue heavy in her mouth, she turned quickly and made her way out of the restaurant. His words stabbed her chest until she couldn’t breathe because she suddenly felt like she should have done so much more to stop him and she began imagining all the times she’d shrugged him off but should have been more clear and assertive about not wanting his touch.

Maybe it was her fault after all and she shouldn’t be complaining.

“Miss!” A woman’s voice stopped her as she shoved the glass door open, a sob tearing its way out of her throat when the cold air pricked her hot skin. “Are you okay, dear?” The lady asked softly, keeping a safe distance as Y/N cried quietly, looking at the ground in shame and embarrassment. “Honey, pass me your handkerchief,” she ordered and footsteps came closer and Y/N only felt the soft cotton collect and absorb her hot tears.

“I need to get home,” Y/N whispered, trying to smile, but she knew not a muscle in her face relaxed as she looked at the older woman and her husband.

“You shouldn’t be driving right now,” her husband spoke up worriedly. Y/N glanced over at him and felt another wave of pain pour through her eyes with heat and salty stings just from the kindness that seemed to crack and burst out all the emotions she’d been pushing down for a month.

“Oh, darling,” the woman spoke softly, gently taking Y/N’s purse from her tight grip and fishing her phone out easily. “Is this your husband?” She quickly accessed Y/N’ contacts and went to the emergency list with Dean’s name at the top, with a squirrel and a green leaves emojis. Y/N nodded, embarrassed, and took the handkerchief with the initials H.H. to wipe her own tears even though now, she couldn’t stop them from spilling uncontrollably.

While Y/N continued to look down in shame, people walked around them, minding their business. Even people who clearly saw the scene were exiting the restaurant and ignoring them, too. She relaxed when the woman’s expensive and warm perfume engulfed her, reminding Y/N of her mother when she rubbed her gentle hand up and down her back. Y/N’ phone rang once and Dean picked up.

“Sweetheart?” His voice was deep with sleep and warmth melted her heart and sweetened the bitterness when the sound flowed to her heart like honey and tea, but the tears kept falling as she cried silently in the woman’s arms.

“Hi, I’m Jan,” she started but Dean immediately cut her off.

“Where’s my wife?” She heard the panic and guardedness in his voice and she nearly took the phone knowing all the worst possible scenarios that rushed through his mind, but the woman smiled fondly.

“I’m here with her,” Jan reassured him. “Could you come pick her up? She’s…” Jan gazed at Y/N, her gaze piercing her walls as if she knew everything but also, failing to find the words to not invalidate or exaggerate Y/N’s experience and emotions. “You should be here. My husband and I are staying here with her and we won’t leave her side until you’ve here, she’s safe with us. You have my word.”

Dean was silent and Y/N didn’t know if he was frozen in fear like she’d been minutes before or if he was leaving the house in a hurry until heard him thank Jan while breathing heavily and heard the familiar creak of the Impala’s doors before he said goodbye, promising to be there as quickly as he could.

And he did. But not fast enough to have witnessed Dylan shamelessly try to get to her. But Y/N was glad he didn’t because she was humiliated enough already and felt so much gratitude towards both Jan and her husband. Her husband, Harry, who had shoved and insulted Dylan, then threatened to plaster his name in the paper for what he’d witnessed him doing.

The beautiful rumble of Dean’s car made her heart leap with relief and excitement, fleeting emotions that were replaced with the same bitter ones when she saw him in his pyjamas, the bags under his eyes, and the worry that deepened his frown and creased between his brows when he saw that she had been crying.

Dean quickly jogged towards her, looking at both Jan and Harry with confusion and wariness until Jan slowly let Y/N walk weakly towards Dean. Jan’s heart was both breaking and melting when Y/N slumped against Dean’s body, crying again—as hard as she had when she stepped out of the restaurant.

Dean held her tight, kissed her temple and let her calm down in his embrace. The kind couple stepped forward like a wall that gave them privacy from the few people that watched what was happening. The tiredness Dean felt was replaced with adrenaline, but upon finding Y/N safe from physical harm, he allowed himself to just be there for her, hurting about the fact that something else had harmed her, something that he couldn’t kill or fight off.

“Let’s get her in your car, son,” Harry suggested, smiling kindly at Dean. Dean nodded and hesitantly pulled away, refusing to look at the anguish on Y/N’ face so he could remain strong. He let Jan guide Y/N into the passenger seat, keeping an ear open for the way she spoke quietly and kindly to Y/N before he spoke to Harry.

“What happened?” Dean asked, the feeling of inadequacy making him cross his arms over his chest, covering the white t-shirt Y/N had given him as a joke a few Christmases ago.

“I…” Harry paused, glancing over at his wife and at Y/N. “A man she was having dinner with just.. treated her terribly and said such horrendous things. My wife and I heard most of it… He was out of line, completely disgusting, and was a huge, immature asshole.” Dean’s jaw clenched and he glared over Harry’s shoulder, behind holes into the glass building. Had Dean been Superman, the entire building would have been demolished. “Son?” Harry broke Dean’s glare and patted his shoulder. “I could have that man’s reputation destroyed. When your wife opens up, give her time.. give me a call.” He handed Dean a card and Dean took it nodding while he read Harry Holden, the newspaper name, his email, and number on the other side.

“Thanks, sir, truly,” Dean finally told him, getting in the driver’s seat and waving goodbye to the two people that gave him hope that there were truly kind people out there, people who still do the bare minimum and also go out of their way to do something good just for the sake of decency.

Y/N played with her dress and avoided Dean’s gaze, flinching a little when he put his hand on her knee. Dean felt hurt for a second, then composed himself as he drove away, deciding quickly that they should stay somewhere else for the time being, until she felt better.

He stopped at a rather expensive hotel and saw her finally look at him, confused mostly by his decision. Her face devastated his heart more than any tragedy he’d faced because he wasn’t used to seeing Y/N the way she looked now. His heart sank to the deepest pit as if turning his skin inside out, leaving his heart bare and broken until it stopped beating, unable to start up again.

“D…” she whispered. Her cold hands on his face brought him back to his senses, thoughts about his actions ran through his mind and suddenly he found himself synchronised with her.

“I’m calling Daph,” he told her, shoving his hands into his pockets and calling Daphne who picked up nearly as quickly as he had, tiredness coating her voice along with a yawn. “Hey, I need to ask for a favour,” he started.

“Sure, Dean-o,” she mumbled.

“Could you check on the kids?” He asked, then elaborated. “Y/N and I are… we’re gonna be away from home for a few days.. is that asking too much? I’m sorry, I know it’s sudden-”

“Dean, don’t stress about it,” she reassured him. “I’ll be there in ten, you don’t have to explain, you know I’d do anything for the two of you.” Dean sighed a breath of relief and relaxed, too afraid to look at Y/N.

“Thanks so much, you’re… the best friend we could ask for.”

“Don’t mention it. Love you guys, be safe!”

Dean sat in silence for a while before taking his wallet and pulling out his card to pay for the room. Y/N let him take control of the situation even though she wanted to argue and not be far from home, but maybe she needed this. A little getaway with her husband to finally tell him she was pregnant and to ease his mind about what had happened because now that she was calm, she felt ridiculous and ashamed.

“Come on, baby, take your heels off,” he spoke softly, leaning over to open the door before he locked the car. He got out and jogged around the front to get to her side, opened the door and picked her up bridal style.

Dean made his way to the hotel and smiled at the young man at the front desk, tucking Y/N’ head into his neck, her arms holding him tightly as he made his way to the elevator without a word and to their room, both of them practically empty-handed with her purse dangling off his shoulder.

“I wanna shower,” she murmured when he set her down on the bed. He only turned the lamps on so it wasn’t too bright and she appreciated it. He nodded and started to undo the belt around her waist, taking note of her tense body, so he slowed down and stopped unbuttoning the dress.

“Is this okay?” He whispered, waiting for her to speak up before he made a single move. She nodded and whispered her consent, letting him unbutton the black dress all the way, pushing it off her shoulders, his eyes glued to the thin, gold necklace her brother gave her on her birthday.

He expertly unclasped her lace bra, his fingers brushing gently across her skin made her shiver pleasantly as he removed it. His eyes fell to her breasts but he kept his mind out of the gutter, watched her put her hands flat on the bed and lift her hips for him to remove her matching black panties.

It was so intimate. He inadvertently turned both of them on.

His fingernails gently grazed the skin of her hips, their breaths growing heavy, his fingers slowly pulled the lace down her legs and off her feet. He didn’t dare to make anything sexual, as much as he wanted to fuck his worry and adrenaline away, he was being more mindful of what she needed.

He helped her up and didn’t stare at her naked body when he removed his shirt and pyjamas, only a little embarrassed that he wasn’t wearing any boxers. He led her to the bathroom as he warmed up the shower, his hand extended to get the water to the right temperature. She bit her lip anxiously in the meantime, her arms keeping her small bump out of view, tears building up again when he turned to face her.

His face fell and his beautiful hands were on her face, holding her jaw as gently as he’d hold a baby bird. His arms wrapped around her small frame, holding her close, comforting her with his arms loose around her waist to not overwhelm her. She felt a powerful surge of love and affection for the man and blurted out what had been stressing her out.

“I’m pregnant.” He gasped and pulled away to look her in the eyes and then down at the tiny little bump on her stomach that he missed when stripping her. “I’m sorry, I’ve known for a month and I’m just scared-”

“It’s okay, baby,” he reassured her, shushing her.

“No, I… I’ve been a horrible wife,” she sobbed, wiggling out of his arms. He easily let her go to have her space, keeping his own tears at bay while watching her with despair.

“No, you haven’t,” he argued softly.

“Yeah and a bad mother. Everything’s my fault.” He shook his head, kissing her cheek softly, his lips moving over the expanse of her face, reaching her lips for his final destination.

“I’m thrilled that you’re pregnant, okay? I truly am.” He reassured her. “And I know how stressful it can be for you to be pregnant and I know how much you worry about me and the kids, but we can handle it, sweetheart.” She continued to cry quietly, his thumbs gently wiping away her tears. “They love you so much, I love you so much, and you’re the most amazing mother they could have asked for, just like you’re the most amazing wife in the entire universe, hell maybe the best out of every universe.”

“Whatever happened tonight sweetheart… I’m so sorry. I…” he sighed, pressing his forehead against hers, his eyes shut as he breathed shakily.

“It’s not your fault,” she whispered, taking his breaded jaw in her hand to kiss him chastely. “I think I was just overreacting… my hormones, you know how they get… wonky,” she tried smiling, pulling away to watch him shake his head.

“If two people watched what happened and took time out of their night to help you, you weren’t overreacting,” he told her firmly. “I know you usually deal with things by dissociating or detaching from it and downplaying your feelings, but I’m not letting you do that. Just like you don’t let me do it.” She blinked at him, feeling a new wave of emotions followed by gratitude and love. “We don’t need to talk about it right now and there’s no deadline, but just talk to someone—or me when you’re ready, instead of pushing it down or invalidating yourself from how hurt you are about it.” He smiled at her gently, lovingly kissing her forehead and stepped into the shower, while holding her hand so she’d join him as she regained most of her wits.

“I love you, Dean,” she whispered, feeling like those words simply weren’t enough to describe the amount of affection that bloomed in her chest like a trillion galaxies being born.

“I know,” he smiled playfully, holding her close when she followed him inside the foggy stall. She smiled softly at him and shook her head, standing beneath the shower head with him, the hot water comforting as it hit her skin and relaxed her muscles.

He took care of her the whole time, wiping away the eyeliner that was now messy, but otherwise her face was bare, the red liquid tint on her lips having faded away at this point, leaving her lips a cotton candy colour. He smiled lovingly at her, leaning down to kiss her passionately before he washed her hair and then her body while keeping himself mostly dry.

“There,” he chuckled, bumping the bottom of her chin gently with his finger curled. “Good girl,” he murmured, turning the shower off, reaching out for one of the towels to wrap around her, letting her dry herself off so he could do the same to himself.

“Thanks,” she smiled at him tiredly, drying her hair with the towel and stepping back into the bedroom, standing in front of him when he slipped on his pyjama pants again, and handed her his shirt to sleep in. The white shirt with The Avongers and bootleg Avengers characters over the chest made her smile and she watched him get the bed ready.

His muscles flexed when he tugged the soft sheets from how tightly they fit the bed, his tiny waist and his broad shoulders when he turned his back to her distracted her from putting the shirt on. Instead, she checked him out, his firm ass in the soft pyjama pants, the muscles in his back moving beneath his skin, the dip of his spine down his back one of the most beautiful things she’d seen. When he turned to his side, his stomach--just a little soft--became taut with his efforts, lost in his mind as he freed the gold and white satin sheets.

His huge arms continued to tighten as he travelled to the other side of the bed, the v-line going down his hips caused her teeth to bite down at her lip. Even his pecs right now were doing wonders, his thick fingers wrapping around the sheets and tugging expertly that she didn’t even care that she was staring at him shamelessly, the ring on his finger was probably the hottest thing right now.

That was her husband.

The man who grew out his beard, something she thought she’d hate until the coarse hairs actually ended up feeling arousing between her legs and against her breasts. The man who kept his hair a little longer just for her, soft between her fingers and so pullable. The way the soft strands of his honey-coloured hair fell over his magnificent face looked like streams of sunlight in the spring, his mossy green eyes likes a forest of utter beauty that no one could compare to, and his freckles were a thousand constellations that glowed like gold dust along the canvas of his face.

His pretty plump lips were a shade darker now from having bitten them due to his focus on releasing the sheets from the tight embrace around the mattress, and wet from his soft tongue. He’d innocently looked up at her, expecting her to have been ready for bed, but instead he found her aroused, her cheeks pink and her nipples tight, her breathing heavy and short.

He caught her eyes as they teased his body, a shaky breath making its way past her parted lips, the most breathtaking crinkles appeared around his eyes when he chuckled, gracing her with a shy smile. “What?” He asked softly, pink flushing his cheeks up to the tips of his ears.

“You know it always turns me on to see you do anything, especially shirtless,” she murmured casually, feeling no confidence to actually tease him the way she usually did and feeling disgusted with herself from the events that unfolded in the past month to even feel any pleasure from him. So she looked away and was about to put his shirt on when he stopped her.

“Don’t.” He made his way to her, grabbing the shirt and throwing it across the room and onto the couch a few feet away from them.

“I haven’t shaved,” she gasped, kissing him back when he pressed his lips against hers, soft and warm. He quickly parted his lips to deepen the kiss. His tongue teasingly moved into her mouth when she’d opened up to him instantly despite her weak argument, knowing that Dean wasn’t the type of man who actually required a woman to look a specific way.

He wrapped his arm around her waist to hold her close, a little moan from him muffled by her mouth against his. She gave into him without hesitation, her arms circling around his neck, her fingers tugging gently at the short hairs behind his head, soft the way they always were. An appreciative hum rumbled in his chest, her entire body stretched up to reach her tall husband.

He turned them both around so her back faced the bed instead of his, pulling away from the kiss for his lips to travel down her neck. His hot breath and wet tongue licked at her clean skin and sucked gently at her pulse. He made his way down her neck and bit her shoulder possessively. She buried her fingers into his downy hair, closing her eyes, her chest rising and falling quickly from lustful breaths she took.

He loosened his arms from around her waist and held the beautiful curve of it in his large hands, his fingers brushing gently against her ribcage. He moved his mouth down to her breasts, and she instinctively arched her back so he didn’t have to bend over her so much. It turned him on, in his mind, that one move was her offering herself to him completely.

He moved his hands up to cup her breasts in his hands, the warmth and roundness of them in his large palms nearly made him believe she was small chested. His fingers gently brushed around her nipples, his warm breath puffing over them so she could feel them tighten before he even did anything. His lips wrapped around one, his teeth gently scraping along her sensitive flesh while his tongue mimicked his fingers, feeling the texture of her silky flesh against his wet tongue.

He sucked on it gently, his hands squeezed both her breasts, but he quickly pinched and tweaked the other one, reaching down to squeeze her fleshy ass. She moaned softly, her thigh gently passing between his legs and rubbing his stiff cock. A moan rippled out of him and he blindly chased her hand when he switched the stimulation of her breasts, putting his mouth on the other and letting the room temperature do its work on her glistening nipple.

He guided her hand into his pants, biting down roughly on her flesh when she brushed her fingers down the length of him. She whined at the bite, rubbing her thighs together awkwardly to feel some relief, his heavy cock resting in her small hand. She wanted to be doing this to him, touching him teasingly for all the neglect he endured on her side.

She tugged at his hair once, moving both of her hands to his hips and lowered his pyjamas so they slipped down his legs easily. Before she could do anything more, he stepped out of them and dropped to his knees, his lips kissing down between her breasts, over her growing belly and finally to her pelvis.

She cupped his jaw and moved his gaze away from between her legs, an embarrassed look on her face because she usually kept herself either completely shaved or trimmed. He grabbed her hand and kissed her wrist to ease her unsteadiness. He then moved her hands away from his jaw and onto his head so he could taste her, so she could pull at his hair.

He gently pushed her thighs apart with the backs of his hands, only slightly. He moved forward experimentally, the curly hairs tickling his nose and she felt embarrassed the whole time, her grip on his hair tightening and she looked away when heat grew up her neck to the tips of her ears. The last time she was that bushy, she was in university and completely uninterested in romance, but ever since Dean—despite him never asking for it—she would shave. And despite him never showing or voicing a preference, she never stopped doing it.

Dean liked it. Right now, like this.

His fingers parted her warm folds and he found her clit easily. A hissed curse slipped past her lips when his tongue flicked against it, teasingly lapping up and down. She moved back until her knees hit the bed and his eyes were glued on her every move. He disappointedly licked his lips but excitement reignited the flame in his green eyes when she laid down and spread her legs for him.

Usually her stomach would cave in when she laid down on her back, but this time, the tiny bump remained and his heart softened, crawling forward to kiss her knees. He lifted her feet up on the bed, staring between her legs and parting her folds with his fingers, licking away at her clit and her entrance.

He watched her writhe under his mouth the way she always did when he teased her. He knew it wasn’t strange to find it arousing. This was his woman, his love, his wife.

He squeezed her thighs with his warm hands, moaning softly against her centre which made her laugh softly. He pulled away from her, smiling at the sound, “move up, angel,” he ordered gently as he stood up. She obeyed quietly, stopping only when he firmly wrapped his fingers around her ankle, his thumb brushing against the protruding bone.

He moved forward, picking up the pillows above her head with the intention of elevating her hips. She instantly knew what he had planned and lifted her hips so he could slide them under her hips, stacked and cushiony. “Ready?” He asked softly, making his way between her legs.

She nodded, gasping when he swiped three fingers from her entrance to her folds, only to bring them to his cock. She blinked at him, turned on when he bit his lip, jerking himself slowly with her arousal, her breath stuttering the moment he moaned. Her toes curled at the sound, her pussy clenching around nothing the way it always did when she so much as looked his way. It didn’t even have to be a sexual situation, which she found embarrassing, and she had never admitted it to him.

He guided his cock to her entrance, smiling down at her way too adorably while the soft head of his cock circled her soaked centre. He gently pushed himself into her and back out, her walls took him in slowly, wetting his dick more and more. He looked between her legs completely unabashed, his lip trapped between his teeth as he watched himself disappear inside her as if he hadn’t seen her take him a thousand other times before.

Still, he was fascinated with how he stretched her open, her tiny cunt opening up to fit all of him the way it always did. She was tight and warm, completely soaking him with every push and pull of his cock, letting her feel every inch of him entering her, but also letting him revel in the velvet walls squeezing around him and creating quick pleasure to his cock.

“Fuck,” he whispered, bottoming out inside her. He bit his lip, his eyes trailing up her body and back down to where he was connected to her, gently pushing his hips into her, his thumb easily finding her clit within the dark curls.

“What?” She asked softly, studying his face, laughter in her eyes when his eyes snapped up to hers innocently.

“You’ve never felt more mine than right now, baby,” he murmured, slowly pulling out of her and then back inside before she could respond to him. As much as he wanted to take his time with her, he knew she would be exhausted tomorrow from her emotions tonight, so he went straight for getting her off. His thumb rubbing gently at her sensitive clit, changing the shapes he made every once in a while until she orgasmed.

The feeling of her walls squeezing his cock drew a deep groan from within his chest. His cock was coated in her cum when he pulled out of her, and his own release followed suit when he pushed back into her warmth. He cursed long and softly, brows drawn together in pleasure as she clung to him, both of them riding the seemingly endless pleasure like gravitational waves after the collision of neutron stars.

Her nails dug marks into his soft skin and she gently released him, watching the exquisite look on his face. The rapture that made her insides tighten deliciously. His lips were parted still, completely breathless. His cheeks were pink and his whole body was hot, covered in a nearly unnoticeable amount of sweat.

He was so beautiful.

“You actually like it?” She asked, flustered when he pulled out of her, their cum oozing out of her, only for him to gently shove a finger into her to keep his cum inside. She clenched around him, familiar with him doing that after he came inside her, which was definitely a reason why she was pregnant so soon.

“What?” He shrugged casually, pulling the pillows from beneath her hips and throwing them carelessly against the headboard. “Yes, okay? Maybe you should let it grow sometimes. It’s hot.” He grinned, leaning over her to kiss her forehead before he stood up to clean her, but also to get the shirt he’d intended for her to wear and to put his pyjama pants on again.

“I think you’re the only one who thinks that,” she called out. It was silent for a few moments as the water from the sink ran in the bathroom loudly and Dean came back with a hand towel and moved between her legs again.

“No, Charlie liked it too,” he revealed, a little smirk on his face when she chuckled. He started to clean her up, gazing down at her in his shirt now, looking completely adorable and comfortable. “And I’m pretty sure more people like it,” he reassured her, playful patting the top of her head. She narrowed her eyes at him despite thinking it felt cute and smiled. She watched him get up to clean himself and discard the towel before returning to her side.

He fixed the pillows on the bed and turned the lamps off so they could lie down and fall asleep comfortably.

He snuck his hand under her shirt, tickling her a little when he rested his hand over her tummy, something he’d always do when she was pregnant. “Wanna pick names?” He asked quietly, scooting so close to her while on his side, he almost reminded her of Bruce, who usually curled up at her side trying to get impossibly close to her.

“Sure,” she smiled softly in the darkness.

“How about Castiel?” He suggested a name immediately and she cringed, chuckling.

“No, Garth already named his kid Castiel,” she told him, which caused him to laugh softly.

“How about… Cassidy?”

“You want a name that starts with C?” She asked, then took his silence and the little nod by her shoulder as a sign for her to give him some examples of what she had in mind. “Like… Casanova? No, Calvin? No, wait, Cara? Caroline? Or Cassian? Casper? Nah, I’m just kidding about that one. Clark? Uh, Casimiro?” She offered, shrugging a little at the end with an amused grin, his hand slowly rubbing along the small curve of her stomach.

“Definitely not Casanova,” he chuckled and she shrugged, laughing. “Ah, right,” he clicked his tongue and she stared at him lovingly. “Cassidy sounds dumb… I’m just gonna ignore Casper. And what the fuck is a Casimiro? I like Clark for a boy and… we can come up with more names for a girl…” She smiled and hummed softly. “I hope we get to have Bruce and Clark, heheh,” he commented cutely.

“You’re so adorable,” she mumbled with a smile, kissing the top of his head. She closed her eyes while trying to picture what her next child will look like. Dean blushed, nuzzling her lovingly as sleep reclaimed him, thinking the same thing as her.

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[heller-meta-of-the-day]

March 9th

Dark Side of the Moon (5.16) Carry On (15.20)

Hold on, I don't remember Castiel helping Dean leave Heaven in DSotM. I remember Castiel helping Dean with something far more important than that:

DEAN: I’m dead. CASTIEL: (on radio) Condolences. DEAN: Where am I? CASTIEL: (on radio) Heaven. DEAN: Heaven? How did I get to heaven? CASTIEL: (on radio) Please, listen. This spell, this connection, it’s difficult to maintain. DEAN: Wait. If I’m in heaven, then where’s Sam? CASTIEL: (on radio) What do you see? DEAN: What do you mean ‘what do I see’? CASTIEL: (on radio) Some people see a tunnel or a river. What do you see? DEAN: Nothing. My dash. I’m in my car. I’m on a road. CASTIEL: (on radio) Alright. A road. For you it’s a road. Follow it, Dean. You’ll find Sam. (The radio is breaking up.) Follow the road. (The radio dies.)

Even Castiel knew what Dean's main focus ALWAYS was.

AND that was still true in the finale.

Once again, Dean didn't want to leave Heaven, he wanted to get to SAM. Or waste time until SAM showed up.

[leounderthemoon]

A rant and theory

It’s really long, but I think I make some valid points.

Supernatural was on for 15 years. There have been interactions with the cast, some crew, some producers, directors, writers, etc. due to the ongoing conventions and the existence of social media. Writers will talk about changes to scripts, actors will talk about filming, directors will talk about why they chose a certain angle.

Given that most of the fans/stans do not personally know any of the people involved or personally know anything about the things that are/aren’t going on, it’s weird the way some fans/stans speak so confidently about what happened with SPN behind-the-scenes, production, writing, casting, you name it! 

Especially when it comes to PrequelGate. People will state with their whole chest, that their version of events is absolutely correct. One J is an asshole, and one J is an innocent baby. Which J is which depends on who is talking. It can be either or both. The only thing that all fans who have theories have in common is that there is a definite good guy and a bad guy.

But the Js are still friends. They say they got over it and forgave. Since no one has given any details, I thought I’d join the bandwagon and come up with a theory of my own. One where there is no good guy/bad guy. So here goes.

I fully believe that the story of The Winchesters was not meant to be an AU. It was supposed to take place between 15.19 and 15.20, with Dean and Sam finding out about their parents.  They had to switch it to the AU version because of the leak, a new timetable, and the fact that Jared was no longer available. There is also a recent podcast (I don't have a link) where a writer from The Winchesters said that Robbie Thompson, the writer and show runner for The Winchesters, kind of knew that they were only going to get 1 season because of all the mergers/sales of the networks and studios.

Robbie Thompson said in an interview (https://tvline.com/news/the-winchesters-recap-season-1-finale-dean-heaven-multiverse-jensen-ackles-1234942742/)  “There was the spot that takes place in between Episodes 19 and 20, when what happens to Dean happens to Dean… So there was an opportunity to tell stories there, but that just didn’t work for me because we wouldn’t have access to Sam in that way, in a way that we could easily explain or at least emotionally explain, and that just didn’t feel like it was a story that certainly I wanted to tell and none of us did.” (Underlining mine) They wouldn’t have access to Sam because Jared could not be involved. Not because no one wanted him, but because he just couldn’t.

The reason I believe this is because of the following.

It starts with Virtual Con (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADYwrZ787a0) held in March 2021. In the video, the question about Chaos Machine projects starts at around 23 minutes. Watch Jared’s face throughout Jensen’s whole answer. He’s nodding along, looking at his screen, and not even showing the slightest surprise in what Jensen is saying. He doesn’t because he already knows. To me, that is the face of someone who already knows what the other person is talking about. Jared already knows which projects Jensen is working on. He knows which alum he is talking about. So he just sits there and lets Jensen answer.  His quip at the end that he will also be acting in it is just that, a quip for the fans.  Because (supposedly) he is bound by a 5-year contract to CBS. He can not legally get involved in Jensen’s project with WB. He can acknowledge that he knows about it, but he has to show that he is absolutely not involved. 

Next is the announcement of The Winchesters in June 2021 by Deadline. There were tweets by Jared that said he was upset that he didn’t know about it and that he wasn’t involved. There was also a tweet directed at Robbie Thompson calling him a back stabber that was later deleted. And, silence from Jensen, because he was unable to come online and address anything because he was on set in Canada. 

Things were set in motion that were not meant to be put in motion for a while. I don’t think Chaos Machine was ready to start casting/filming yet. I think Jensen and Jared were trying to make it work with CBS so that Jared could be involved in the prequel. But those talks weren’t finished, or possibly even started yet. But the leak by Deadline, the WB/Discovery merger, and Mark Pedowitz leaving, combined to put pressure to do the show sooner, while Pedowitz was still in charge. If they waited, then nothing might come of Chaos Machine’s deal with WB once the new owners came in. Maybe they were waiting for Jensen to finish shooting The Boys to get together and talk about all this, but they still hadn't.

And this is what Jared was upset about. He thought there was time before the show would start, so was surprised that it was announced without him knowing. It also explains why he thought Robbie Thompson back-stabbed him. Because he was going to be a part of this show, and now he couldn’t. He couldn’t even say he had been part of the development from the beginning because it would be against his contract with CBS. He can’t even say wants to be a part of it now, because again, it would be against his contract with CBS. He’s upset, because he hasn’t had any communication from Jensen about this going through, and Jensen was also unreachable. So he vented online a little.

Once this narrative that Jared was never involved, and would not appear in it, spread, all of them had to run with it. Jensen apologized for not telling Jared. He said he was superstitious. He wanted to tell Jared, but he didn’t have his phone. That he was on set. That Jared couldn’t participate because he was busy. Etc. etc.

But, when Jared spoke with Jensen, and was (possibly) made aware that the news came out because it was leaked, and that they didn’t have time to clue Jared in, and (possibly) they were thinking of doing the show sooner because of WB, Pedowitz, Zaslav, etc., and that they were still in a holding phase, Jared forgave Jensen.

All of the above explains the inconsistencies and “lies” and “tantrums” and finally the forgiveness, and moving on. 

I choose to believe that neither Jared nor Jensen are entitled assholes. They do not owe the fans any BTS details.

I’m sure people can tear this apart, but their theories don’t hold up either.