#what the hell kind of significance has destiel had at all

[magnetic-dogz]

"The Sulemio vs. Destiel poll isn't fair bc people are voting for Sulemio to spite Destiel fans" Literally who even cares

[frankenstein-ate-my-left-shoe]

destiel!steddie pt.3!!

Pt. 1 | Pt. 2 | NOW ON AO3!: you can hear the call (when trouble's on the way)

ok so it's been a while since i posted part two of this, but i guess today was the day i decided to go feral and not only finish this part but also include the first ever smut i've ever written.

destiel (and the fics i used to read of them) has been on the brain in a big way recently, friends. enjoy!!!

Eddie gapes at her, his mouth opening and closing on its own.

“What’d I miss, kiddos?” Wayne sinks into the previously abandoned chair at the end of the booth and picks up his (now cold) burger. “Eddie, shut your trap, you’re not a goldfish.”

“I called Robin, she’s on her way.”

Wayne hums in response around a mouthful of food “So where’s the man of the hour?”

“Where’dya think? Flapped away like a panicked pigeon.” Eddie gripes.

Wayne hums again “I didn’t know your angel knew how to feel panicked.”

His face grew hot “He’s not my angel, old man, shut up…”

“If anything, he’s Robin’s.” Nancy shrugs. “He’s basically her soulmate.”

“Ah, she’s his girl?” Wayne asks

“No, they are ‘platonic with a capital “P”.’ soulmates.” she emphasizes with mimed air-quotes. “The literal best of friends, inseparable and codependent almost to a fault.”

Eddie tunes out Nancy catching Wayne up on what he missed while he went to check on Fred, staring out the front window at the sparsely filled lot.

He can picture the upcoming events so clearly: this Robin character flies into the parking lot in some old beater, barges through the door, looking around frantically for Steve, only to find her friend casually eating fries with an old man and some random frizzy-haired guy. All three with a significant lack of Steve.

“Where the hell is he?” Wait, that was exactly what had happened, wasn’t it? “Nancy, you said you found Steve and yet I see no Steve.” The poor girl looks frantic.

He glances out the window again and sees a shiny retro BMW haphazardly parked out front. Okay, so not exactly a beater, but still.

“Robin, sit down, we’ll tell you everything.” Nancy’s voice is cool and soothing and yet;

“I don’t want to sit down, I want to know where Steve is.” Robin says, still irritated, as she sits down across from Eddie.

“Well??” She asks him incredulously.

“You better start talkin’ Ed.” Wayne gestures for him to get on with it with a particularly long french fry.

“Okay, well, I’m Eddie, this is Wayne, my uncle. We are hunters.”

“Hunters.” Robin repeats.

“Yeah, not that kind. We hunt supernatural creatures and about six months ago, I died.”

“Okay, this I hadn’t heard, I swear.” Nancy says to Robin, then turns her full attention back to Eddie.

“Somehow I don’t believe you died; also how in the hell is any of this relevant? I want to know where Steve is!”

“I’m getting there, I promise! I–okay, you know what? Fine. TL;DR is: I died, was brought back to life by something–like just fully yanked outta hell–and when we tried to summon whatever it was that did it, we first met Steve.”

Robin is silent for a moment. “Okay, despite how much I really want that whole story, that still doesn’t tell me where Steve is.”

“I don’t know where he–wait, you believe me? Just like that?”

Robin shrugs at him.

“Wait, and you too,” He points at Nancy “You believed me right away about the ghost. What the hell is happening here??”

The two women look at each other quickly then back at the two men. 

Nancy opens her mouth to reply, but is stopped when there was a fluttering sound near the diner entrance.

Eddie is facing away from the door so he turns to see Steve walk in, and has a fleeting thought about if the one waitress and cook still here past midnight are seeing all this too.

He expected Robin to be on her feet and running to the other man immediately, but she must see the angel and not the man, recognizing that it isn’t quite her Steve.

“Hello.” The angel states simply when he returns to their booth. “You must be Robin.”

Robin has tears flowing freely down her face now and it strikes Eddie straight to the heart.

“You are not Steve.”

“You would be correct, Ms. Robin, I am not. May I?” Steve gestures to the bench across from her, to the seat he’d vacated previously.

Robin says nothing, eyes wide, and tears falling over her trembling lip.

“Go ahead and sit Steve, where’d you go?”

“Thank you, Nancy, I left to retrieve your Steve.” The angel sits beside Eddie, who forgets to move when hit with that little nugget of information, and almost gets a lapful of angel before scooting over against the wall.

“You went to get Steve?” Nancy asks.

“Yes, I returned to my Father’s Kingdom and asked him to come with me to see you.”

“So….he can hear us?” Eddie asks.

“Yes, if it will be alright with you all, I will let him take over and speak with you. I will pay any conversation no mind, so please, speak with him as you would normally.”

Nancy nods, “Robin, would you like to talk with Steve?”

It seems like Robin still can’t quite form words, but nods her head furiously to her friend’s question while still glaring at the thing in front of her.

Steve gives a small nod and closes his eyes.

He takes in and releases a long breath, as he does, Eddie can spot the small twitches his eyes make beneath his lids and the slightly more pronounced breathing pattern that give away when angel becomes human.

Hazel eyes open, then immediately start blinking away tears. “Robin…” Steve breathes out like a sigh of relief.

A sharp, short, aggravated scream erupts from Robin, and her hands start flying.

“Whoa, what is happening right now? Is she freaking out? Is she okay?” “Yeah, she’s freaking out, and yes, she’s fine.” Nancy assures him, tracking Robin's movements with her eyes “She’s signing.” she nods and goes back to her fries.

“Ah…” Okay, that makes a bit more sense. “I would say let's leave them to it but I think we’re stuck here until they’re done.” he says, gesturing to the wall they’re sitting next to in the booth with his chin, but still watching Robin’s hands, trying his damndest to see if he can possibly pick up on anything she’s saying.

Nancy snorts a short laugh and watches her two friends for a bit. “I’d offer to teach you but I only know a few myself, y’know, just in case they–well, just her now–needs something in a non-verbal episode.”

“Do these happen a lot?” Wayne asks, his eyes also tracking Steve and Robin’s hands

Nancy gives him a sympathetic look. “The two of them have been through a lot, we all have, but yes, they’re more often than I’d like.”

Steve waves his hand at Nancy, getting her attention. He signs something, pointing to her, does something that looks like grabby hands with his hands stacked atop one another, then points to himself, moves to tap his closed fingertips to his mouth, moves the same hand, palm to his chest, moving it in a circle, then finishes with a crook of one finger, like suddenly he was the star of the Shining.

Robin looks incensed that he’d dare take his attention away from her when she’s very clearly trying to yell at him some more, and waves her hand directly in his face again before launching into even faster hand motions.

Nancy pushes her nearly empty plate of fries to Steve (who somehow continues his conversation with Robin one-handed as he shovels the cold fries into his mouth sloppily), and turns to ask Wayne something, already getting out of his seat, “I got it, don’t worry, what flavor does he want?”

“Strawberry!” she calls then turns back to a shocked Eddie. “Wayne knows sign?”

“News to me.” 

“Steve asked me to get him food.” She repeats each sign he’d done, “You. Get. Me. Food. Please.”

“What was the redrum shit he did at the end?” Eddie copies the finger motion.

“A question mark!” she says cheerily, copying the motion to him.

She continues to teach Eddie what she knows, just little things, like asking for water, how to say hungry, the sign for hurt, “That one is made over wherever it hurts, it’s distinctive enough to do one-handed, too.”

Finally, after Steve’s burger is gone, milkshake half-gone, the two friends’ hands finally still; their faces are soaked through with tears, chests heaving like they really had been screaming at each other this whole time.

Eddie tentatively reaches over to touch Steve’s shoulder “You doing okay, Big Boy?”

The man startles with a squeak and Eddie removes his hand like he’d been burned. “Who–who are you??”

“Uh…” Eddie says, as astute as ever, looking to Nancy for help. She just shrugs at him. Jerk. “Sorry, Stevie–Steve, I know the angel version of you.. I’m Eddie.” He puts out his hand for the man to shake.

Steve’s face tinges pink and signs something to Robin, pointing to Eddie, putting his palm flat to his own chest, then brings both his fists together at his knuckles over his heart, redrum-ing his thumbs in sync.

Robin speaks for the first time in a while, “How the hell should I know?? Just ask him yourself.” She crosses her arms over her chest angrily and looks away.

He clears his throat and turns back to Eddie, shaking his hand. “Nice to meet you, Eddie, sorry it wasn’t before I died.”

Robin squeaks, but Steve keeps his eyes fixed to Eddie’s. “Oh, uhm, nice to meet you too, Stevi–Steve. The angel version of you is pretty okay, but I wish I had too.” he smiles, releases Steve’s hand and leans forward, stage-whispering to the other man as if the angel couldn’t hear him. “The other guy is basically just a baby in a sweater.”

Steve blinks once and erupts into the most lovely peals of laughter.

Wayne clears his throat then, and smiles, Steve’s attention is pulled to the older Munson. “Nice to meet you, son. Name’s Wayne, I’m Eddie’s uncle.”

They shake hands and Nancy speaks up, “So, Steve, what happens now? Are you going to stay here? With the angel Steve?”

The smile melts off his face at that, “Oh, uhm.. I don’t think… no. No, I want to go back.”

Both girls’ faces twinge with hurt, Nancy’s behind her gentle smile, and Robin’s more pronounced in the hurt already on her face, still looking away from her soulmate.

Something in the air changes, and both Eddie and Wayne share a look, they both feel the need to escape the conversation that’s coming.

“I am okay right now, I was super hungry, but I can feel it coming. I can tell that if I wasn’t currently half celestial being right now, that the years of dealing with Upside Down would show themselves again.” his voice gets even smaller then “I’ve really been enjoying the break from it all.”

It’s Wayne who speaks first after that, clapping Steve on the shoulder closest to him. “You enjoy your break, son. Lord knows I wish I’d had that after we dealt with those flower-faced fucks back in my day.”

Spluttering chaos erupts from the three barely adults, “After you dealt–”, “A break?!”, “Flower-faced fucks? You know about the Demogorgons??”

“How do you guys know about Demogorgons?”

“How do you know about Demogorgons??”

“It’s a monster in D&D, what does that hav–”

“Oh my god, of course that’s where they got the name from.”

“They? Who’s ‘they’??”

Wayne raises a hand to stop them, and surprisingly, it works. “Back in my day, we didn’t have’a proper name for ‘em, just called them flower-faced fucks. And yes, we dealt with a few, my buddy Fred and I went snooping around the woods near–”

“Hawkins Lab right?” Nancy cuts in.

“Yep. nearly got us, but we’d been takin’ the long way from Emerson’s house after a game’a ball. Knocked the thing’s lights out with our bats, but it disappeared.

“Over the next, what, five years? We’d somehow be the unlucky ones to run into more of ‘em, but they quieted down about a year before I left. After I got Eddie o’course.”

“Well they ramped up bigtime in the last four for us, met a girl with superpowers, there were demogorgons, demodogs, a mindflayer, the mall burned down, there were Russians, it was a whole thing.” Robin rambles off, “It’s how Steve's gotten hurt so bad. Someone” she glares at him “decided to be the punching bag every time.”

He looks sheepish. “No one else was going to do it…The party says I’m their–”

“Paladin.” Eddie finishes with him. Of course he’d be a paladin.

Steve beams at him.

“How many concussions did’ja end up with, Mr. Paladin?” Wayne grouses from his chair.

“Th-three. I think. Uhm.. I got a plate to the head once, too.” He points to a small scar at his hairline above his left eyebrow, “That was just from a racist monster though, not like, a monster monster. Started losing my hearing on that side after that…hence the ASL.”

“Fuck…” Eddie can’t help it, the word just falls from his mouth.

“There’s someone else you need to talk to, Steve.” Robin cuts in, “You are staying here until tomorrow morning at least, so I can bring Dustin to you.” and finishes with a glare. “Where are you two staying?” She directs at Eddie.

“The Hawk Inn?” He looks to Wayne for confirmation, who nods. “The one right off the main road, just past the entering Hawkins sign.”

“Fine. I will be there with Dustin tomorrow at 8 am.” She stands and gives Steve a look, then heads out the front door to the beemer.

“D’ya mind staying on the mortal plane with us for a night, Stevie?” Eddie wraps his arm over Steve’s shoulders and gives him a slight shake.

“Dustin’s really gonna love you.” Steve’s lips twitch up into a still sad smile, “And no, I don’t mind, it’s for Dustin afterall.”

“Come on then, let's get you some beauty sleep.” He shoos him off the bench after Wayne stands to pay their check. “Nance, you gonna meet us there tomorrow?”

“Of course, you still haven’t told me about this hunting business.”

–

Ten minutes after the weirdest post-hunt meal ever (and that’s saying a lot), the van rattles to a stop in front of the motel.

“I call dibs on the shower!”

“Why d’ya need to shower? Your angel cleaned us all up no problem!”

“That’s not the point, Wayne, I still feel gross and I can’t sleep unless I feel like I’m clean.”

“Whatever, I’m going to bed.” He gets the door unlocked and pushes it open for the other two, closes it, and flops down onto one of the beds. “Make sure you put down salt lines before you get in there, Ed.”

Eddie rolls his eyes, but sets their regular wards and precautions. “You want to take a shower first, Steve?”

“No, I’m alright, I’m just going to lay down I think.”

“Sure, I will be out in a few.”

He grabs up his things, preparing to take a few extra minutes to brace himself for catching a few hours on the hard motel loveseat.

Eddie ends up relaxing a bit too much while in the shower though, waking up from a doze when the water temperature starts to dip. Grumbling, he gets out and towels off, working off muscle memory alone. Dry off body, scrunch hair, pull on boxers, brush teeth, drop towel on floor, shuffle to bed.

He’s out as soon as his head touches the pillow.

—--

Eddie soon becomes aware of two things: One, how damn soft whatever it is he’s laying on is, and Two: the familiar weight of another person on top of him.

He opens his eyes, and groans as they adjust to the light to take in the sight above him. 

Steve’s flushed and slightly sweaty face blink into clarity and Eddie’s aware of a third thing. 

They’re both completely naked.

He groans again when he feels something brush across the head of his cock, then again as whatever it was wraps around him.

“St-Steve?” he breathes, “Ungh, Stevie, that feels so good.”

Steve releases his hold on the two of them, and he feels his arms secure themselves  around his back instead. He’s lifted up into Steve’s lap, straddling his knees, and arms draping around his neck.

“Tell me about it, angel.” Steve says, and Eddie looks down at his (beautiful, perfect) face, but is distracted by something behind him.

“Holy shit.” He breathes out, feeling Steve’s hair brush against his abdomen when he turns to look at what it is that caught Eddie’s attention.

“Oh, those?” the wings shuffle to life from where they’d been lying, dropped lazily to the ground from Steve’s back.

Eddie watches them curl in on themselves, folding in before unfurling back out, this time spreading high and wide. They are enormous, astounding, and leave Eddie awestruck looking up at them. The feathers catch the light in ways he hadn’t thought possible. A golden sheen glints off the chestnut and auburn colored feathers, patterns Eddie's certainly never seen before.

He reaches forward and touches a finger to the plumage, then just has to sink his whole hand into them. “They’re so soft..”

“They’re old news,” The honey-sweet sound of Steve’s voice snaps his attention back from the mesmerizing wings to the man they are protruding from. “These, however, are simply divine.” Steve says as he slides his hands up Eddie’s back from where they’d been wrapped around his waist.

If he thought the feeling of those hands on his skin was heavenly (hah), some other word entirely new needed to be created for the feeling that shot through him when Steve touched…something on his shoulder blades.

“Ah…hah…what are you–” Eddie turns his head to look over his shoulder the best he could, struggling to see what Steve’s talking about.

“C’mon darling, you can do it, lift those pretty wings of yours for me to see.” Steve sighs.

Eddie can’t compute anything he just heard in the slightest. Struggling to make sense of what the hell is happening right now and desperately trying not to come at how Steve’s words had affected him.

Through no conscious thought of his own, two dark brown, nearly black wings shoot up behind him, and Eddie is picked up from Steve’s lap for a split second from the momentum of the movement. He watches as they posture themselves into a mirror image of Steve’s (though they are noticeably smaller). Eddie feels his skin beneath the feathers contract slightly, making the feathers puff up in a feeble attempt to match themselves to the senior angel’s size.

He realizes that he’d been craning his neck to look up at his wings when he feels Steve’s lips and hot breath pepper across the column of his throat.

“Such a sweet little thing, my Eddie.” Steve laughs against his adam's apple when Eddie bucks his hips forward into Steve’s stomach involuntarily and a whine escapes his lips. 

The angel leaves one hand grasped over the base of one of Eddie’s wings and traces his fingertips down the bumps in his spine, then down further between the cleft of his ass with the other.

“Oohhh, fuck, Steve–Ah!” Eddie’s hips pitch forward again and his hands tangle themselves into the hair at the back of Steve’s neck, pulling the angel forward to his throat again which he latches onto immediately. 

Steve sucks bruises into Eddie’s neck as he pushes and prods and swirls his finger around his hole. “Relax my love, let me take you, take care of you.”

Eddie nods dumbly, breathing hard, willing himself to relax. He sighs and closes his eyes, rests his forehead against Steve’s once the other man pushes a finger past the ring of muscle.

“Good, good job starlight. You’re so beautiful.” Steve praises as he pumps his finger in and out.

Eddie opens his eyes and looks down at the man below him, though it’s short-lived, as his eyes roll back with yet another groan as Steve adds a second finger.

“That’s it, baby, you take me so well.”

Eddie opens his eyes again, cataloging as much minute detail, every expression that flits across Steve's face as he can while the angel works him open.

The brilliant hazel of his eyes seem to glow around the dark of his pupils, the flush on his face slowly working down his neck to his collarbones; but it’s the look of absolute reverence that has Eddie weak. The angel admires him as if he is some sort of gift. Like Eddie is a breath of fresh air, an ice-cold soda on a hot day, not the broken, unworthy man that’s somehow been graced by a literal angel’s presence.

He knows what his own face must look like, eyes hooded, pupils blown wide, mouth hanging open as he pants with desire, but Steve relishes in it, pulls him in for an open-mouthed kiss as a third finger is pushed in along the other two. Their tongues roll languidly against each other, hot breath changing lungs while Steve works.

“Ah–Steve, sunshine–I’m ready. Please!”

“Of course, Eddie.” Steve sounds like he’s out of breath; he removes his fingers and lifts Eddie easily, lining himself up with his opening.

Eddie pitches backwards as the head of Steve’s cock pushes into him.

“Easy there, darling,” Steve chuckles as he holds Eddie close, “Those things are heavy when you let them relax like that.”

Eddie hums in response, taking a second to figure out what Steve’s talking about. Tilting his head back and looking up, he doesn’t see the dark chocolate brown of his own feathers, so he turns instead. “Ah, there they are.” he says, still feeling boneless.

Steve chuckles, “That they are. Fold them up for me, Eddie, so I can lay you back.”

Eddie’s brain is swimming, but he’s doing his best to make it and his wings cooperate, “Mmmm, want you to, want you to fuck me down into them…” 

A rumbling groan sounds in Steve’s chest “Eddie. Fold them in. Now.” Steve’s impressive wingspan had relaxed somewhere in the last few minutes, but are thrown upwards again as if to emphasize his words.

Just like before, at Steve’s command, Eddie’s body immediately follows the direction. His wings snap in around him and Steve lays him down into plush feathers, pushing further into Eddie at the same time.

They groan in unison. “You are so perfect, so pliant for me.” Steve praises and he starts to move, pulling the most sinful noises from Eddie’s throat as he is fucked into over and over.

“Yes, yes, please don’t stop!” Steve listened to his pleas. He didn’t stop. In fact, he pitched his hips into a slightly different angle, and went in harder and harder, plunging into Eddie so fully and so dead on he was seeing stars.

“Eddie, Eddie…” Steve chants his name in time with Eddie’s moans, “Eddie, I’m–”

-

A sharp pinging alarm wakes him, always set to 7am sharp.

Eddie grumbles some nonsense as he pushes his face farther into the firm mattress, warm where he’d been laying, and reaches to turn off his alarm.

He does, then settles back down fully, swearing to himself that he’s just gonna get a short little snooze in…and turns over to–

“Jesus H. Christ!” Eddie jumps so high he ends up on the rough carpet, looking up at the man sitting on the opposite side of his bed.

“Good morning, Eddie.” Steve turns his head and smiles down at him on the floor. “What were you dreaming about?”

Steve looks pointedly down to Eddie’s lap.

He looks down at himself, “Oh shit,” He snatches up the discarded comforter from Wayne’s bed to cover himself, a wet spot on his boxers making the fabric stick to his skin. “Fuck, I’m just gonna…” He trails off, hopping up and grabbing whatever clothes he can find and darting into the bathroom to the sounds of Steve’s muffled laughter 

He changes quickly, his base layer being almost exactly what he was wearing yesterday thanks to Stevie cleaning them up like he did after dealing with that ghost. He leaves the small bathroom and grabs one of Wayne’s flannels from his duffel. 

“Looks like Wayne got up before us.”

“He did, he asked if we wanted anything when he left.”

“Eh, he knows what I like.” Eddie shrugs.

The pair sit in silence for a few moments before Steve breaks it. “I’m sorry I scared you, Eddie.”

‘Yep, totally, that’s the only reason I freaked out. Definitely not because of the crazy sexy dreams I was having about you.’ Eddie thinks to himself.

“No worries, Big Boy, I’m just not used to waking up to someone in my bed.” If that ain’t the truth. He clears his throat, “I normally talk in my sleep, I didn’t say anything embarrassing did I?”

“Only some groaning.” Steve shrugs to himself.

He lets out a relieved breath. “Good, that’s good.”

“Oh, wait,” Steve snaps his fingers (“Oh no…”). “You did say ‘Yes, yes, please don’t stop!’.” 

Steve throws him a shit-eating grin but before Eddie can sputter out a single decibel, the sound of a key jiggling in the room lock snaps him up to his feet to grab the knob.

“Oh no you don’t, do the knock!” he calls, shoulder pressed against the door to keep it closed.

Eddie hears Wayne’s exasperated sigh through the thin door, but their decided pattern of a knock is tapped out and he opens the door.

Wayne steps through with a bag of take out from the nearby fast food joint. “Thought for sure you'd still be out cold. Eddie’s got a habit of snoozing five too many times.” Wayne directs the last at Steve, who chuckles in response.

Eddie just rolls his eyes, “Bullies. The both of you.” he points at the greasy bag in Wayne’s hand “Now gimme some of that so I’m not dying of hunger when we meet this Dustin kid.”

>:) Part 4 here!

@undreaming-rambles, @potentialheartofdarkness, @munsonfamilyband, @evix-syne666

[babygirl06301]

Want to know if any other Destiel shippers feel like this:

You love SPN, for the most part. When you watched it originally, you were super invested in every character and looked forward to all the crazy things the show was doing. It felt like such an ensemble cast of interesting people--and now the most meaningful part of the show for you is Destiel.

This is how I feel about SPN now. I really wish that wasn't the case, but as I'm rewatching it currently, with my sister (who is watching it for the first time), I'm realizing that I don't get supremely invested like I used to unless it's Destiel. I still adore many of the side characters, I still adore Sam and Eileen, Crowley, and Bobby--but Destiel became so important to me after the series ended. After taking some time away from the fandom because of how the series ended, I'm now realizing that the parts of SPN I find to be the most intriguing are the parts where I can see Dean and Cas growing to love one another.

I don't know if that's because I felt like the writing was letting Sam down for a long time for the last few seasons of the show or because the plotlines themselves were becoming shoddy--hell, maybe it's just because I was so jilted by how Cas was treated at the end of it all, but Dean and Cas's story is the only piece of SPN that can still grip my heart and my attention like it did the first time I watched it. The rest of the series is kind of in shadow for me (not that I don't still love the iconic episodes SPN has produced or still find Sam and Dean's most emotional moments lovely).

And because of that, I have no interest in doing a full SPN rewatch--not only now, but maybe ever. Each time I've found myself coming back to SPN over the years since it's end has been to only experience Cas and Dean's story once more. Which, to be fair to the non-shippers, does skew my perception of just how much Destiel was in SPN (though I am realizing with this rewatch with my sister that, though Destiel isn't in every piece of SPN's story, it is a significant part of it, especially in the later seasons). But I still love analyzing the two of them and figuring out what they were likely feeling and thinking during certain scenes and how those moments influenced the future of their relationship.

I don't have that spark of interest in anything else in SPN anymore. So, as angry as it probably makes a lot of people in the fandom, SPN has been whittled down to Destiel for me. Destiel looms over everything, and above all, SPN became a love story, in my eyes. I love Sam; I wish he'd had a clearer and better ending with Eileen. I wish he'd had more to do in the later seasons than he did because he is a super interesting character with interesting history--but the power of Dean and Cas's story is unmatched to me. I don't think I'll ever say my favorite part of SPN isn't the love story it accidentally created, but I'm still sad that this series that was such a huge part of my life can only make me excited through one avenue now.

Still, though, if I had to choose one thing to love about this series, seeing how Dean Winchester, the king of self-loathing, fell in love with Castiel, the angel who taught him how to believe, would be it.

[darkshrimpemotions]

A lot of Destiel blogs I look at hate Dabb, I don't really understand why apparently he made Dean too angry?

Ohhhh nonny, it's absolutely not that he made Dean "too angry." It's that during his era the writers routinely shredded Dean's previously established character and ignored or backtracked his prior development in order to create additional tension and conflict where there didn't really need to be additional tension and conflict. I've also seen many people say, and I agree, that Dabb's era kind of flattens Cas out and doesn't allow him to experience emotions other than "sad martyr" nearly often enough.

Dean being angry is in character. Dean reacting to stress and trauma with anger is in character. Dean masking pain with anger is in character. And to be fair, Dabb era does a pretty good job of calling out Dean's anger as a secondary emotion and/or trauma response. Though they don't ever really deal with it, which is another problem for another day.

What's not in character is that Dean would ever treat any child the way he treats Jack in seasons 13-15. What's not in character is that Dean would ever call someone his child, his family, and then turn around and claim they aren't later.

What's definitely not in character is that Dean would ever give up on any member of his family as a lost cause, no matter what they did or how dangerous they were in the moment, or in general. We've seen this to be true with both Sam and Cas, multiple times. We've seen this with John (while possessed) and Mary (while brainwashed). Hell, we've even seen this with characters Dean only interacts with on screen a handful of times, like Claire and Garth.

An in-character Dean would have fought for another way until they found one or it killed him. An in-character Dean would sooner let Jack kill him than put a gun to Jack's head. Hell, an in-character Dean should've been the one to put a bullet in Chuck, and it should've happened the very first second after Chuck suggested shooting Jack.

It's always been a cornerstone of Dean's character that he does not give up on family. He doesn't put anything before his family, whether that's found family or blood family. Not the mission, not the greater good, not the will of his father or God himself. And yet we're supposed to believe that he's willing to do the "hard, ugly thing" with Jack? No, I'm not buying it.

And as for Cas...Cas should have been furious at Dean for locking Jack in the mal'ak box, a fate so awful Dean himself had nightmares about it before it even happened to him. Cas should have been ready to tear Dean limb from limb for even considering putting a gun to their son's head.

That's his baby. That's his son. And I'm sorry, I know first-hand that there are parents who make excuses for shitty significant others and let their kids suffer the consequences, but I don't buy Cas as one of those people. Do you?

No, we should have gotten Alleyway Ass-kicking 2.0 for that shit, but instead? Cas acts like Dean has any right whatsoever to be angry at him, leaves without even giving Dean a well-deserved piece of his mind, and then comes back and accepts Dean's forgiveness like Dean isn't the one who needed forgiving in that scenario.

And really, it all just boils down to Dabb walking this weird line in seasons 14-15 where he was trying to raise the family drama stakes by giving them a kid that they love who might or might not be evil, but also pulling back hard to just-the-brothers state by having no one in this so-called family actually act like a family should. Because seriously, what parent who loves their child wouldn't go absolutely fucking feral at the suggestion of someone harming them in retaliation for an accident? Much less their other parent who's supposed to love them?

Like...I'd say Dabb and whoever else wrote on seasons 14-15 just doesn't understand parenthood, but I'm not even a fucking parent. I have not a single maternal or paternal bone in my entire body, and even I get it better that these chuckleheads, so it can't be that.

And it's just really frustrating because what does it say about Sam and Dean as people if they can sincerely call someone their child and then even consider killing him? If Dean can actively plan to do it and Sam doesn't do anything but look sad and say but no Dean I don't like this? If Cas can even look at the man who put a gun to his baby's head afterward, much less embrace him, much less die for him, leaving said child in the care of the guy who wanted to kill him and the guy who wasn't trying very hard to stop it? What kind of people are they, if they can do those things? To their own child?

It's character assassination for Dean, Sam, and Cas, and completely treating anyone who's not blood kin to the brothers like they're disposable. So that's probably why most Destiel fans, who tend to care a lot about the whole "family don't end with blood" message in the show, don't like Dabb or his era very much.

[dotthings]

Let’s talk about why Dean dancing with a lamp is subtext, but it’s subtext that supports textual arcs. Dean dancing with a lamp is not random. Meta on why Dean dancing with a lamp is part of the build of a textual arc for Dean, thematically, which also connects to his relationship with Cas. This symbolic moment being tacitly about Destiel will only feel like reaching if you ignore context, ignore canon, ignore long arcing, ignore textual material surrounding it. This isn’t just me talking about a ship, this is an important arc for Dean himself emotionally and the way canon’s working, Cas has become the star player in this specific emotional Dean arc about yearning. 

Here are some canon quotes. I could just leave these here and not write another word of meta because the canon wrote it for me. But I’ve added some further commentary to spell out clearly what I’m getting at.

Dean in 8.14 “Trial and Error” by Andrew Dabb:

“You see a light at the end of this ugly-ass tunnel. I don't. But I tell you what I do know – it's that I'm gonna die with a gun in my hand. 'Cause that's what I have waiting for me – that's all I have waiting for me. I want you to get out. I want you to have a life – become a man of Letters, whatever. You, with a wife and kids and – and – and grandkids, living till you're fat and bald and chugging Viagra – that is my perfect ending, and it's the only one that I'm gonna get.”

Dean in 10.16 “Paint it Black” by Eugenie Ross-Lemming and Brad Buckner:

“You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it....Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time.”

Sam and Dean in 11.04 “Baby” by Robbie Thompson:

SAM: Really? You don't . . . Ever want something more? DEAN: I'm sorry, have you met us? We're batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

Sam and Dean in 13.23 “Let the Good Times Roll” by Andrew Dabb:

DEAN: But on a beach somewhere, you know? Can you imagine? You, me, Cas, toes in the sand, couple of them little umbrella drinks. Matching Hawaiian shirts, obviously. Some hula girls. SAM: You talking about retiring? You? DEAN: If I knew the world was safe? Hell, yeah. And you know why? 'Cause we freaking earned it, man.

Sam and Dean in 15.08 “Our Father, Who Aren’t in Heaven” by Eugenie Ross-Lemming and Brad Buckner:

DEAN: Look, man, I didn't want to say anything, okay, 'cause I was kind of in in a bad place, and, uh, yeah, I didn't want to jinx it or whatever, but, you know, I tried the family thing, right? SAM: Yeah, me too. And that's not for us. DEAN: No, not really. But I'm just saying if it was to work, Eileen, you know, she gets it. She gets us. She gets the life. She's hot. SAM: Dean. I mean, I'm not even- DEAN: Look, all I'm saying is you- you could do worse, okay? And she could certainly do better. Like, so much better. I'm happy for you, Sammy.

Dean and Garth in 15.10 “The  Heroes’ Journey” written by Andrew Dabb:

DEAN: You know, I gotta say, aside from pincushion in there… this is pretty nice. GARTH: Yeah, better than I ever thought I'd get. I mean, hunting -- I figured I'd be dead before I'm 40. You know, go out young and pretty. But now I've got a great wife, great kids. I guess...sometimes things work out.

Dean in 15.10 “The Heroes’ Journey” by Andrew Dabb:

Dean, wistful, watching through the window as Garth and Bess dance: You know, I always thought I could be a good dancer if I wanted to be.

Ok, let those roll around in your brain for moment. 

Now: CONTEXT. CONTEXT. CONTEXT.

There’s this long running arc about maybe Sam and Dean could each find a significant other, not white picket fence, but...something, with someone already in the life, who gets their life. There’s Dean’s move from despairing and believing the only ending he could have, the only ending any hunter could have, is dying with a gun in hand, to Dean’s enthusiasm for the concept of retirement, Dean’s wistfulness about finding a significant other, for what he thinks he can’t have, and he starts the cycle all over again, if he can’t have it, then he wants Sam to have it, so Dean encourages Sam with Eileen. Saileen, the Dean-blessed, Dean-approved Sam ship. Dean ships it. And that is how the canon is trending, complete with Sam and Eileen kissing goodbye and saying “this is real” and even God himself saying their feelings were real, “that was all you,” even if God manipulated events around them. Which is an overt mirror to Dean and Cas and Dean’s expressly stated doubts about what’s real and what isn’t, and Cas telling Dean “we are.” 

Much the way Sam has been witness to Destiel, and has often pointed out Dean’s Cas feelings. Dean’s got a front row seat to Saileen and approves; Sam’s had a front row seat to Destiel and approves. 

Let’s throw in Robert Berens’ work in The Trap here, since that’s relevant to this specific topic as well, because why did Sam and Dean in the potential future timeline where they’d killed Chuck give up and cave in to their vampire instincts? The world being overwhelmed with monsters...and losing Eileen and losing Cas. It’s right there in the dialogue. I’ll give you the quote and everything:

Sam and Dean in 15.09 “The Trap” by Robert Berens:

SAM: You want to quit? What's happened to you, Dean? Ever since -- DEAN: Ever since what? We lost pretty much everyone we've ever cared about? Ever since the Mark made Cas go crazy? Ever since I had to bury him in a Ma'lak box? Ever since then? Yeah. You know why? 'Cause the monsters -- they're everywhere. Everywhere! What we do -- it's not even Hunting anymore. It's whack-a-mole. We don't even save people. Every friend we've ever had is either dead, or they got wise and they packed it in. SAM: Jody's still fighting, and Bobby -- DEAN: Bobby has a death wish, and you know it. And Jody -- ever since what happened to Donna and the girls, she does, too. And after Eileen... so do you.

“Ever since” Dean had to bury Cas in a Ma’lak box. “After Eileen...so do you.” 

So there’s this canonical long, long thread across multiple authors (and those weren’t even all the quotes, I’m sure people could dig up more) about Dean in particular yearning towards finding a significant other, some contentment, with someone who already is in the hunting life, who gets it, who understands.  

An episode that flat out shows how losing their significant others is the final straw that rips out Sam and Dean’s last will to fight, and they lose themselves, and after they’re turned into vampires, they just...give into the darkness. Where Sam gives up their shot at destroying the big bad because losing everyone they love is too high a cost. Where losing Cas makes Dean lose hope, where losing Eileen sends Sam into a death wish mindset. Sam and Dean don’t just need each other. That’s not canon, it never has been.

And then right after that, along comes meta episode The Heroes’ Journey. Sorry if you don’t like The Heroes’ Journey, but it’s what the canon did, it’s textual, along with everything else I’ve pointed out here, and in among the crackish humor are some real emotional narrative points. 

In The Heroes’ Journey, Dean gets to see Garth’s life. Garth found his significant other, Bess, and she’s another werewolf. Now, Garth’s life resembles the traditional white picket fence idea a lot more than what Team Free Will are headed for. Garth has a big house with a porch, and he’s a dentist. He’s also a werewolf and his wife is a werewolf and his kids are werewolves because Bess is a pureblood werewolf, Garth didn’t exactly leave the life, and he helps Sam and Dean on a case. But nothing’s been indicating to me that anyone in Team Free Will is headed for that kind of settling down, with a house, becoming a dentist. However, the canon has been practically shouting now, as we near final episodes of SPN, to make the point about a desirable outcome--some kind of stability, contentment, and a significant other. Dean gets a front row seat to seeing a hunter can have that. Garth’s a hunter who turned into a werewolf and he can have that. 

When EP’s talk about how they aren’t headed for a white picket fence or driving off into the sunset or settling down, none of that rules out them finding...something...with someone, and some form of stability and contentment.  Nope, I can’t really imagine them in the suburbs becoming dentists. But canon sure is putting up big neon arrows to...something. Think outside the box. This isn’t about the white picket fence. 

And in The Heroes’ Journey, Dean, conked out on the good gas so Garth can fix his teeth, has a trippy dream where he dances with a lamp.

Rewatch the ep. Look at how the dance is choreographed not just the use of light, because that’s a clue too. The whole dance could have been Dean and Garth being dancing bros, but Garth fades off the stage, and Dean dances alone...until he grabs the standing lamp. In a season where Dean and Cas’s relationship is an A-plot, define it how you like, it’s A-plot. Their breakup and their reconciliation, which played like a marital breakup and reconciliation, are tied to major mytharc beats. In a season where a long-running textual theme about Dean’s developing hope for retirement and his wistfulness about “things...people...feelings...” is getting further play. Where Dean and Cas’s relationship continues to be one of the show’s most central ones.

Dean dances with a lamp. While his emotionally fraught, intense close relationship with Cas--A BEING MADE OF LIGHT--has a long-running arc and recently more and more textual level content spelling out the sublimated romantic interest in small words, while there’s an arc about Dean’s yearning for that stability, contentment, a significant other.

CONTEXT. 

We don’t think Destiel’s “going canon” because Dean dances with a lamp, it’s that Dean dancing with a lamp is kinda loud serving as reflection of canon textual arcing. Sometimes subtext adds a layer. Sometimes subtext is directly tied to the surface layers, an echo, a highlighter.

I’ll just be over here, crying because Dean danced with a lamp.

[tohellandbackanthology]

An Update: Part Two

Earlier today, we posted a brief update so please do see part one if you haven’t already!

Now for the big news: we’re going to eat our own words and take the bold step of doing something we were certain we weren’t going to do once our Indiegogo fundraiser finished. That’s right...we’re planning to open up a simple pop-up web store for two weeks only, from February 1 through February 14th, so that anyone who missed out on the first round of fundraising can get a second chance to preorder either a hard copy of To Hell + Back: A Destiel Anthology, or the digital format. 

After the sheer pandemonium that ensued in the wake of episode 15x18 airing on November 5th, which brought an enormous influx of SPN fans both old and new into online spaces to discuss canon Destiel (we still can’t believe we get to write those words either), we noticed a significant increase in our followers here on Tumblr, as well as a general resurgence of fandom activity, and fielded several more inquiries about whether we would ever make this book available for purchase again. With this in mind, we discussed in-depth the possibility of doing a pop-up online store despite our previous resistance to the idea, and agreed that it was feasible if it was handled carefully and responsibly. 

“But wait,” we hear you saying. “You guys said you didn’t want to do that because it’s harder to be transparent about what money is coming in and where it’s going, and transparency is kind of your whole thing!” 

And to that we reply: you are absolutely correct, and we want to assure you that the trust of our supporters and contributors is something we have never taken lightly. To Hell + Back has been a not-for-profit initiative from its conception and will be until its conclusion, and one of our core values as a team is to be absolutely open and honest about how the funds we have collectively raised are to be used to produce this anthology. (You can read our original mission statement here if you like!)

Now that our funds are finally in the project bank account and ready to be used to purchase books and merch, you can expect to see a consolidated financial statement posted here at the end of each month that briefly details our expenditures as well as any additional funds raised by the upcoming pop-up shop. Funds raised through the two-week pop-up shop may not be immediately visible to backers as part of our grand total the way they were on Indiegogo, but we are committed to showing our accountability regardless. We will report on all books purchased in the pop-up show after the two-week purchase period has ended and our first full financial statement will be posted on February 28, 2021, after we have made our first purchases.

As for details about the upcoming pop-up shop as well as details about our project for those who are new to fandom, please keep your eyes open during the coming week for further posts detailing exactly where and when books will be available for preorder. We’re so excited to be moving forward!

Finally, we once again want to reiterate that it has been a joy working with everybody to bring this project of ours to life and we simply couldn’t have done it without your support. When the finale aired and we saw the aftermath, we were heartbroken. We shed tears, mourned, and made it through with the support of this fandom. These characters that we had loved for so long, and Dean and Cas’ relationship especially, weren’t given the proper resolution they deserved. If this goes to show anything, it is that fans always do it better, and a large part of our desire to open up this small pop-up shop is in the hope of healing our community, even if it is in a very small way.

Many of the stories enclosed within To Hell + Back are stories of happiness. They are stories where Dean, Cas, Sam, and all their loved ones find hope and healing and love and warmth, happinesses that are unique and different in so many ways, but always with the fundamental message that happiness is what we all deserve. We hope that once these books arrive in your hands, you will enjoy the works within them as much as we have, and that they will bring you some happiness, just as they have brought to us.

Sincerely and with much love,      

Your TH+B mods

P.S. As always, don’t hesitate to send us an ask if you have any questions, or reach out to us via email at tohellandbackanthology@gmail.com

[curioussubjects]

come be a season 12 truther with me; or what if dean and cas got together offscreen

Originally, I wrote this post to celebrate “Galaxy Brain” airing as Berens & Glynn gave us “The Future.” It’s been a while since that episode aired, and some things have changed about this meta. As such, there are multiple versions of this post floating around, so make sure to go back to the source for the most up to date version.  For all intents and purposes, this post functions as a meta manifesto not unlike shipping manifestos from days of LJ past. In keeping with that tradition, this post is a close reading of Dabb Era Destiel in which I argue that by using narrative gaps, queer coding, and romance tropes, Dean and Cas are shown to be in an established relationship. Although beyond the scope of this post, it’s worth pointing out that keeping Destiel mostly off screen was a way for the creatives to bypass network censorship while still remaining true to the characters.

This post is divided into three sections. Section I focuses on giving an overview of why earlier seasons of Supernatural aren’t as compelling as season 12 as a turning point for Dean and Cas’s relationship. That said, special consideration is given to 09.06 “Heaven Can’t Wait” as a potential rest stop in our journey due to it’s significantly placed narrative gap as well as themes in the episode. However, this post isn’t going to examine season 9 trutherism in depth, though it does coexist with and allow for it. Section II analyses season 12 and proposes a timeline and justification for the shifting Destiel dynamic. Finally, Section III will offer an analysis of how Dean and Cas’s relationship has changed dramatically from previous seasons in a way that is most like the shift from a “will they or won’t they” pairing to an established one. 

Before I move to Section I, I’d like to note something this post takes for granted: Dean and Cas are the main romantic subplot of Supernatural, and, in fact, their relationship is elevated to main plot for both characters in season 15. This post won’t argue about the canonicity of Dean and Cas’s feelings for each other, therefore, and so won’t spend time looking at many Destiel defining moments. I’d also like to make clear that this post also takes for granted that Destiel is being intentionally developed by the writers starting with Carver’s Era, and more so in Dabb’s. 

I. Why Seasons 4 through 11 May Not be It

The tl;dr. here is that while there are many moments throughout these seasons that Dean and Cas could potentially get together, none of those moments are ideal for a bunch of reasons that can be summed up as really bad timing. I also think the narrative is actively pushing them towards a moment that works. We get plenty of stepping stones, especially once we hit seasons 8 through 11 (and 11 most of all).

Seasons 4 & 5:

I know there’s been a lot of get together fics over the years set in this time period, but I just don’t see it. Do I see them being intrigued and drawn to each other? Yes. Do I think either Cas or Dean would act on it? Nope. I’m not arguing anything re: Dean’s feelings, but with everything going at the time I find it hard to believe he’d pursue anything with his angel friend. Most importantly here, though, is that during this time Cas was still very alien and other. There was too much angel in him, and while he obviously came to care about Dean (and Sam) very much, I just can’t see him navigating the realm of human relationships. That said, seeing human!Cas in “The End” is the first we see of potential developments for how Cas could behave without his angelness interfering. Being human changes Cas a lot, beyond even his experience existing among humans, though that of course matters too. This development will be important later /wink.

Seasons 6 & 7:

Before anything else let me just recognize that if we could see some sexual tension in seasons 4 & 5, these two seasons come with our first taste of romantic tension. The pining! Also note the difference between season 4 Cas and season 6 Cas in terms of behaviour. He is much less the angel we saw in that barn in “Lazarus Rising.” In season 6, we have a Cas making misguided decisions guided entirely by his emotions – namely, not wanting to involve Dean with the war in heaven – which is peak human, honestly. Put a pin on how sad Dean is in both seasons with Cas’s absence. Finally, put a pin on this being our first moment of Cas doing things on his own to spare Dean and it not ending well (soulless!Sam, Cas “dying” after Leviathan) because this is *the* hurdle in their relationship (along with Dean’s lashing out and self-worth issues). With all this said, the marked distance between Dean and Cas in these seasons negates the possibility of them entering into any kind of relationship. Much like seasons 4 and 5, there’s too much going on.

Season 8:

Ah, yes, the summer of purgatory. If you thought we had pining before…! I think we’re all very clear on season 8 being a turning point for the show, not only because new showrunner, but we also get the bunker. TFW now has an HQ, which pretty soon becomes home. Yes, Baby will always be home, but the bunker becomes the *unmovable* safe haven that Baby couldn’t be. The bunker is a place to coalesce, and for all the amazing things Baby is, she is not that. The acquisition of the bunker marks a shift in the psychology of the show: with the stable home space we can start to imagine domesticity, a place to come home to, the stuff of ordinary living. Most of all, the bunker is emblematic of security, of safety –keep this in mind, as we go forward.

This season also continues to see Cas go down the path of independently solving his problems instead of asking for help from Sam and Dean (his family in a way heaven never was) – note that the better together issue is at play in different ways with Sam and Dean also, but I digress. I also want to point out disastrous instance #2 of Cas’s insistence on figuring it out on his own: he loses his grace, and the angels fall. As for Dean, season 8’s focus for him has much to do with Sam, and them coming face to face with their issues with codependency, which hit catastrophic levels with the gates of hell and Gadreel plots.

So despite all the deliciously angsty get together purgatory fics and spec, there’s too much distance between Dean and Cas on Cas’s part due to his guilt over betraying the Winchesters in s6 plus slaughtering angels plus unleashing Leviathan. We do see Dean being more emotionally open with Cas and continue to voicing his wish that Cas would just stay with him and Sam, and let them help. It’s clear as day how much Dean cares. The timing is still bad, though.

Before moving on to next season, let’s take a moment to appreciate that this is the season Dean admits being kinda done with one night stands because “always with the adios.” Remember the bunker as a sign of stability? Yeah. I wouldn’t say Dean is craving a relationship, exactly, but I think we can see that he does want something more (ahem also I’m nodding to Cas refusing to stay put just cause).

Seasons 9 & 10:

The most important thing to happen between this two seasons is Cas’s stint as a human for an extended period of time. There’s been plenty of spec and meta written over the years about the effects of being human on Cas’s grace (a proto-soul now maybe?). What we can say for sure, regardless, is that Cas is much more humanized once he becomes an angel again. The understanding he gets from being human doesn’t go away once he regains his angel powers. You’ll notice that while we still see some of season 4’s characterization, Cas is not the same as he was – he is alien to angels now and is more intelligible to humans. Additionally, in an interesting reversal from previous seasons, we now get to see the depth of Cas’s feelings for Dean (thanks, Metatron) as well as seeing him be more open emotionally, while Dean does most of the pushing away (first because of Gadreel, then because of the Mark of Cain). In short, the timing is still bad as Dean and Cas are largely kept apart both physically and emotionally.

9.06 Heaven Can’t Wait

This episode is my white whale, friends. While I’ve come to fully subscribe to the idea that something did happen between Dean and Cas during the fanfic gap, I don’t actually think it’s feasible that it marked the start of a relationship -- be it sexual or romantic. My reasoning here is quite simple: the timing is bad. Were it not for external events (Cas regaining his Grace and Dean taking on the MoC), the course would have likely differed. Furthermore, Dean’s guilt over making Cas leave the bunker as well as Cas’s own hurt and self-loathing pose a significant and as yet insurmountable obstacle, which is easily seen with how Dean and Cas’s character trajectories go separate ways.

YMMV on what exactly happened between them in that Motel, but something definitely did. Perhaps one day I’ll have a proper s9 trutherism post to link to here for more details (likely won’t be written by me, though). 

10.16 Paint It Black

From the point Dean gets the MoC until the end of season 10, anything between him and Cas is quite impossible due to distancing, to say the least. Again, yes, the fic is really good, but alas. One of the reasons I’m bringing up this episode in particular is because of the confession scene. One, it’s a rare bit of explicit emotional honesty from Dean, and two, it tells me that while he and Cas may be well aware of the Thing™ between them, it’s still uncharted waters. It’s scary, and murky, and they’re unsure how to navigated it or if they should even try. Makes sense, too, there’s been A LOT going on since s6. Anyway, he’s the full confession:

You know, the life I live, the work I do…I pretty much just figured that that was all there was to me, you know? Tear around and jam the key in the ignition and haul ass until I ran out of gas. I guess I just thought sooner or later, I’d go out the same way that I live – pedal to the metal, and that would be it. […]  Now, um… recent events, uh… make me think I might be closer to that than I really thought. And…I don’t know. I mean, you know, there’s – there’s things, there’s…people, feelings that I-I-I want to experience differently than I have before, or maybe even for the first time. […]  Yeah, I’m just starting to think that… maybe there’s more to it all than I thought.

Can I just say, first, that this confession keeps me up at night because we never actually see anything done with it explicitly? I mean, obviously, I think we do in fact see the effects of this confession in the show, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this behemoth, but still, like. Damn. Ok, so, remember when I brought up that thing in season 7 about Dean being kinda done with hook-ups? Here’s where that led us. We’re seeing a Dean here who wants more than what he has convinced himself he gets to have. He wants more than dying bloody. And when he talks about wanting to experience people and feelings differently, well, that says a lot not just on the queer coding front or the romantic front. I mean, jfc, Dean is accepting the idea that he can have more in life than just hunt until he drops, and he’s specifically talking about experiences at the interpersonal level.

Do you ever see a character having an epiphany and find yourself wanting to cry because this is it right here. Dean is just blatantly admitting he wants more and maybe he can make himself be open to that (!!!), which all culminates in season 11, so…

Season 11:

The pining is still here, but it’s worse now since it’s the whole plot? It’s been *checks calendar* 5 years of this. How are any of us still kicking I don’t know. Your slow burns could never. Cool worth noting points: Cas says yes to Lucifer (bad decision #2.5, lots of mitigating effects_I don’t actually hold it against him that much but Dean is another story & not entirely rational at this point); for the first time since the early days, Dean and Cas are on equal grounds: they’ve both fucked up a lot and have hurt each other. The issues this season are outside their dynamic. Amara and Lucifer here serve as externalizing forces for Dean and Cas’s problems: Cas checks out with Lucifer because he thinks it’s the only way he can help, Dean is caught up in the turmoil of Amara, the emblem of absence and avoidance of struggle. We do get something like an affirmation from the two of them to each other via Dean calling Cas his brother (and I want y’all to consider the historical queering of that statement, and Cas’s “I could go with you.” It feels like we’re headed to them being on the same page. By the end of the season, though, it feels like we’re getting a clean slate: Mary is back, nobody died, no end-of-the-world in sight, no interpersonal crisis. We’re also getting a new showrunner, so. No wonder. We’re gearing up for something, but I’m getting ahead of myself. What this season does that is super important is that it sets up the stage for the possibility of an actual relationship between Dean and Cas, something that has, up until this point, been pretty much impossible.

11.04 Baby

Y’all know what I’m about to quote here, right? That conversation between Dean and Sam about having something with someone who understands the life. Here we still have Dean reverting to the idea that it’s impossible, which is a direct contrast to the openness in 10.16. It’s understandable, though, considering there’s been little reason to think anything like that would be possible (see all the mess and poor timing from seasons past). The quote in question, though, marks a continuing development regarding the issues Dean is struggling with this season:

DEAN: Piper? That’s awesome. Heather. One-night wonders, man. Shoot, we’re lucky we still get that at all. SAM: Really? You don’t … Ever want something more? DEAN: I’m sorry, have you met us? We’re batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs. SAM: You don’t ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But … Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?

We wouldn’t be talking about this stuff all these years after Sam and Dean had a serious relationship if it wasn’t important, right? Also who else do we meet this season? That’s right! Eileen! And doesn’t that hit different with season 15 hindsight? And who does Dean have that understands the life? Whose stories have been intricately connected to his? Right now, this is all conjecture. A pipe dream Sam is revisiting, and Dean is skeptical about. Except, well. Look at what we get in “Into the Mystic” and “The Chitters.”

11.11 Into The Mystic

I’m bringing up this episode as a cross reference to “Paint It Black” as well as to complement the talk from “Baby,” and to show, again, that, for all the closeness between Dean and Cas, there’s still a marked distance they haven’t yet bridged. There’s still truths they haven’t told each other. Thanks Mildred for the delicious exposition:

Darlin’…If there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years on the road, it’s when somebody’s pining for somebody else. […] Oh, don’t try and hide it now. Follow your heart. Remember?

11.19 The Chitters

And here we see some validation to Sam’s imagining of a possible future with someone else. We actually see hunters who not only are married, but they both make it out alive. Jesse and Cesar get their happy ending. They make the dream come true. And the reality of it important not just for Dean to see, but Sam too.

Dean: [with realization] Oh, so … [points back and forth to Jesse and Cesar] Cesar: Yeah. Dean: Okay, that’s… Cesar puts his beer bottle on the table and looks at Dean, while Jesse is being silent. Dean: What’s it like, settling down with a hunter? Cesar: Smelly, dirty. [turns to Jesse] Twice the worrying about getting ganked.

I’d like to point out, too, that the fear of getting ganked is thematic when it comes to the tension between Dean and Cas. More on this when we hit s13.

Alright, now, having said that, let’s take a look at season 12. Bear in mind, this is the official start of Dabb’s era, even if he kinda began taking over in season 11, and the change in vibes is obvious. In fact, 12 jumped out at me as a turning point, in hindsight, after getting smacked by the domesticity of seasons 13 and 14.

II. Why Season 12

[Out of date section. Update coming soon when spoons. After significant debate, I’ve altered the definitive start of Dean and Cas’s friend-with-benefits-with-mutual-pining relationship to between 12.02 and 12.03. I briefly explained why here, and yes it’s a shitpost--still true tho.]

Finally, the promise land, y’all. Getting right to it: what s11 was for Dean in terms of setting up the relationship stage, s12 was for Cas. In its initial beats, any way. That is, until the Kelly debacle, this was the longest Cas has been around the bunker and with the exception of seasons 13 and 14, it’s one of the first times we get to see how Cas might actually fit into the bunker-as-home. Things seem remarkably chill. Of course, we’ll notice that there’s still a lot of baggage hanging around because despite Dean and Cas being in a more stable place, they haven’t actually dealt with their interpersonal problems. I didn’t single out directly this episode, but do keep in mind Cas’s declaration in 12.09 First Blood as far as how much the Winchesters matter to Cas & how we also see Dean and Cas be particularly singled out with them seating together in the backseat of the Impala. What we also see this season is Cas trying to prove he is worthy of this family, his family. He’s not fighting for heaven or to right some grievous wrong (a la s8). No, this season he’s fighting to spare the Winchester, to bring them a win. To bring Dean a win. The major disconnect is that Dean (and Sam & Mary) already sees Cas that way, he doesn’t think Cas has anything to prove. And just maybe, Cas starts believing that too – or, at least, believing it enough.

12.10 Lily Sunders Has Some Regrets

This episode, oh my god, the goodness. In the wake of 12.09 we have Dean and Cas in a tiff because Cas mistake #3 (killing Billie and “cosmic consequences”), this is a pattern. Twice the worry of getting ganked, etc etc. But where this episode really shines is through the contrast between Ishim’s obsession with Lily and Cas & Dean’s mutual affection for each other. Ishim sees no difference here and, to him, Cas’s feelings for Dean are a human weakness. Returning to my point about human!Cas, this episode underscores that Cas’s increasing humanity is what puts him in the place where he can want what Dean wants instead of either being too alien to get it (see s4 & 5) or unable to experience it properly (Ishim).

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You)

Cas’s trajectory culminates here with the whole I love you (@ Dean), I love all of you (@ Winchesters). Let’s note too that Cas is dying here, in a way that is much more human than going up in light. This declaration of different types of love is entirely human. It’s also a definitive step wrt to Cas and Dean’s relationship because of what happens in 12.19. This. is. it. Oh, and, of course, let’s not forget to point to Dean’s face when Cas says that “I love you,” and how terrified he is that Cas is dying. Might make one rethink some things, hm?

12.19 The Future

This episode is simply hella suspicious, and all the kudos to Berens and Glynn for writing it. It’ll haunt me forever. Consider watching it again and just questioning everything. So. Weird things:

1. Dean’s reaction to Cas no getting in touch as opposed to Sam’s. Dean is pissed, which is Dean-speak for worried out of his mind. Sam is very worried, too, and puzzled, but he’s mostly expressing his relief that Cas is back. But Cas has gone awol before, but this time Dean is much more worked up about it; Sam takes note of this, too. Now, let’s imagine that maybe the events of 12.12 led to something happening between Dean and Cas. Then Cas decided to leave to find a lead on Kelly, but eventually Cas decides to work with Heaven and goes radio silent. For days. Having taken a chance, and something having happened between them, how would Dean react to Cas just going poof and not contacting him – despite Dean having called Cas multiple times.

2. Cas knows about the Colt. Ok, nothing off there. But when he goes to Dean’s room to talk, right after Dean leaves we see Cas looking around briefly. Like he know Dean would keep it in there. Maybe Cas had looked other places already. Who knows. What we do know is that eventually he does find the Colt not only in Dean’s room, but under Dean’s pillow. Sam didn’t even know the Colt wasn’t in the safe. So how did Cas know?

3.“He came into my room and he played me.” So, this quote right there, makes it seem like some seduction for personal gain, right? But can you see Cas actually doing that if they hadn’t gone there previously? For Dean not to suspect anything and go with it? There’s plenty of plausible deniability here, but the gaps in time in the narrative make me question what is there in those spaces. The scene where Cas tried to give Dean the mixtape back doesn’t read like “playing,” so it’s about a different interaction. Hm. Hmmm.

4. Dean and Cas’s brief conversation in Dean’s room is clearly Dean just wanting Cas to stay, so they can work (and be) together – because they’re better that way. Which, yeah, truth, but also ow.

5.And most importantly: When did Dean give Cas that mixtape??? How did that happen?

Sequence of events: Cas tells Dean he loves him – Dean is clearly shook by it – Dean gives Cas a mixtape (romantic gesture, often a declaration of feelings; in true Dean speak too lolsobs) – Cas goes awol - Dean acts like he got ghosted by his new bf -?????- Cas somehow knows the Colt is under Dean’s pillow – "He went into my room and he played me."

What am I supposed to do with that, hm? Like. Y’all realize they probably had some emotionally constipated getting together moment, right? Something that Dean clearly initially thought meant things were gonna change, now. Something that Cas couldn’t allow to happen until he could give Dean a win. Y’all are seeing this, yeah? I’m not saying they slept together and were full of feelings, except that’s kind of what I’m saying. But YMMV, there are other possibilities beyond sex. The full of feelings isn’t up for debate, though, even if the whole thing is informed by ridiculous amounts of miscommunication.

III. Seasons 13 through 15 As Established Relationship

Regardless of what happened in season 12, exactly, I can’t shake the feeling that something did happen, and something did change. My reasoning here is actually really simple: in comparison to previous seasons, Dean and Cas’s dynamic shifts significantly come season 13. I know some folks have been disappointed with some of season 13 and then season 14 for having dialed back on the destiel side of things. And, hey, maybe there’s truth to that in terms of backstage stuff, but I also want to point out that...well, the dialing back isn’t quite dialing back is it? Let’s look at 13 a little more closely:

Season 13:

So I said the deancas dynamic changed, right? I also think that change caught us unaware because the pivotal turning point that would cue us in never happened on screen as well as being subsumed by Cas’s death and Jack’s birth. But if I ask you about deancas in season 13 what would come to mind? Grief arc? Brokebacknatural? How domestic Dean and Cas are? There’s just something easy about their relationship after Cas returns from the Empty. The tension we’d grown so familiar with over the years is gone. Actually, it feels like we skipped the getting together bit of their relationship and went straight to established relationship and parenting. Some of the most peak married deancas moments we see circulating? Season 13, (and 12.10). It’s a lot, and it’s different, and it’s amazing.

13.01-13.05

Dean’s grief mini-arc. He was acting like a widower. Here’s me vaguely gesturing towards the mapping of Jonh, Mary, Dean, and Sam onto Dean, Cas, Sam, and Jack. And the reunion? I can’t help but be giddy at the song choice: “it’s never too late to start all over again.” To. Start. All. Over. Again. I’m just saying.

13.06 Tombstone & 13.16 Scoobynatural

I’m not going at length about these episodes, I just want to point out that they reveal that Dean and Cas have a whole thing going on off screen: they watch movies together, Cas knows about Dean being an angry sleeper, Cas seems to have been aware of the Dean-cave before Sam was. It’s little things like this that are examples of the narrative gaps surrounding Dean and Cas that have cropped up over the years. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to wonder what else could be hiding there. And when did the movie nights alluded in “Tombstone” happen? Maybe in season 12 when Cas in hanging around the bunker? The same period when Dean and Cas seem to be coalescing into something safer and more stable? Something that we never see come to a head because plot happens and Cas dies? Something that is immediately taken back up once Cas is alive again?

Season 14:

Overall, this season is more of what we got during 13, but it had two high notes I wanted to single out before ending this already too long post.

14.15 Peace of Mind

Look me in the eye and tell me Dean and Cas talking in the kitchen about Jack doesn’t read like husbands talking about their child. Look me in the eye and tell me Cas just texting Dean to gossip about Sam isn’t couple-y as hell.

14.18-14.20

Ah, yes, the divorce arc. Awful. Terrible. The culmination of Dean’s problem in all this: he lashes out, he pushes Cas away, his anger is alienating. Cue all of us suffering. But while Dean is clearly in the wrong in how the deals with his feelings, let’s not pretend some of his anger doesn’t come from a long established, and unaddressed, rift between him and Cas, which had its last traumatic turn when Cas died in s12. Dean isn’t being rational here: he saw Cas doing something on his own, and he saw that his mother is dead. What else could happen? Why won’t Cas just trust they can work as a team? What if Cas died again? And why should Cas put up with Dean’s behavior without knowing the cause? How can any relationship work this way? But notice how caught in the middle Sam was during all this. Notice how Jack is running off and acting out. The whole family is falling apart. Divorce arc, indeed.

Season 15:

But what about what we’re building up in 15? That seems like it could be a getting together plot, too, right? Well, yeah. It could very well be. But I’d argue the tension we’re seeing isn’t a will-they-or-won’t-they because they already have. We’re are watching a getting back together plot! The tension is, instead, will-they-or -won’t-they use their words to talk about the baggage that has kept them from truly being confident about their relationship. That’s the crucial step in their togetherness that they’re still missing, which is also the bedrock of the divorce arc that spanned twelve fucking episodes -- y’all, that’s half a season.

And technically? We’re not even done with yet because Cas never let Dean finish his prayer/confession in purgatory. What’s more, Cas hasn’t grappled with his role in the breakdown of their relationship, either: that he keeps going off on his own and getting hurt (and getting other people hurt), and Dean has to deal with the fallout. The deep emotional understanding, the truly being on the same page is what we’re on the edge of our seats for. We’re waiting to see what else Dean had to say, and what will happen when Cas’s deal with the Empty comes to light.

Finally, could we still have this plot without Dean and Cas having gotten together off screen? Sure, but I think the stakes are higher if they already did have something between them. If they actually have an established romantic relationship going on. Something real and tangible and as of yet much too fragile.

"...you asked what about all this is real. We are."

[sidecarghost]

My Reaction to Destiel in Spn 15x18 to 15x20

Notes: this will contain spoilers for up to series finale 15x20.

I am in LGBTQ+, and this is my personal opinion on the treatment of Destiel, Dean, and Castiel in episodes 15x18-15x20. The LGBTQ+ community is complex and varied, just like any community, so I do not intend for my views to be seen as representative. I think any reaction is just as valid as mine.

Castiel’s Declaration and Dean’s Response

I personally thought Misha Collins’ performance of Castiel’s declaration of love was earnest and authentic. It was beautiful, and I loved every word of it. What bothered me about 15x18 was Dean not reciprocating. I understand that love doesn’t always work out, but this is a LGBTQ+ relationship. There are so few LGBTQ+ relationships on tv, so it’s difficult to understand why anyone would see the need to add an unfulfilled LGBTQ+ relationship that leaves the queer character unloved. LGBTQ+ are just as worthy to be loved as cishet. Before this viewers could use their imagination, but now it’s pretty final that Dean never thought of Cas as more than a friend, and that Dean is vaguely to deeply disturbed by his BFF being in love with him.

I think 15x20 tried to firmly establish Dean as cishet (retconning any prior subtextual queer coding) by having Dean show more affection to his car joining him in Heaven then he had to his LGBTQ+ friend near death. I hate that Dean is so cold to Cas during that declaration scene, and then no other insight into Dean’s feelings is ever shown. So we can only infer Dean’s feelings from that scene and the reaction reads confused, disturbed, shocked, and disbelieving. And I feel second hand crushed for Castiel. That would not be a happy moment for me at all. Just because Dean doesn’t feel any attraction to Castiel I don’t think that excuses his coldness during the declaration. This was a heartless way to react to a close queer friends admittance to an attraction, and the cold shoulder reaction seems really OOC for Dean.

Dean is typically much more sensitive about other people’s feelings. I know he is often painted as tough and unfeeling, but that’s really when his own feelings are in question. Usually he seems very in tune when someone else needs emotional support, and here he is just like mentally checking out. Dean appears to be thinking “Oh my BFF is confessing his love, I will just gawk at him like he is some kind of crazy.” Then Dean’s last words to Castiel are “Don’t do this, Cas,” because he’d like his final message to be invalidating. And then there is HUGE problem that Dean was so disturbed by Cas’s declaration that he never mentions it over the course of 15x19 and 15x20. Even though his friend gave his life for him.

Bad Representation more Harmful than No Representtion

I could be wrong, but I feel like the inclusion of Destiel this late in the game just to make it unrequited was malicious. And that’s because Destiel is a big thing for fandom and especially LGBTQ+ in fandom. Even non-Spn fandom LGBTQ+ know all about Destiel. I never dreamed the ship would go canon, and that was fine because the show could play out and I could read and write fic. Destiel was a fun ship, because the characters had wonderful development from the show, and the actors had great chemistry and were good looking and talented. Dean and Cas were complex and multi-dimensional and ready to run a coffeehouse or become pop star wannabes in a televised singing contest.

The show never told fans Dean and Cas wouldn’t love each other, so it was so easy for me to imagine they would love each other. That has changed since I watched the finale. I personally can’t ship Destiel anymore because all I remember now is the angel giving the hunter his heart, and Dean being so cold and uncaring. Dean stays so far away from Cas like he can’t stand to be close to him. When the two characters used to be in each other’s personal space all the time. It’s like the show wanted me to know how wrong I was to ever read a romance there. As though I had personally offended Dean Winchester. I always thought Dean could be bi, but now he is canon cishet to me. Because if he was going to be attracted to a guy it’d be Cas, because he is the most badass character on show. I’m okay with explanation that Dean was shell shocked in 15x18, but Dean’s continued indifference in 15x20 makes it more likely to me that the show intended for Dean to just not feel that way about Cas.

LGBTQ+ Character Erased

The show ended 10 days ago, but many LGBTQ+ spn fandom members are still reeling from Castiel’s erasure from the story as soon as he came out. There was so much hope that the show was giving LGBTQ+ fandom a ship they never expected in 15x18. The way everything seemed to signal that Dean and Cas would be brought back together in 15x20. And theories abounded on possible scenarios. My personal favorite was Dean rescuing Castiel from the Empty in 15x20 as a reverse of Castiel rescuing Dean from Hell in 4x01. This felt historic to see an actual fandom mlm ship finally get validated on the show, like LGBTQ+ were being seen and told we were just as valid as cishet by the show we loved.

But in the end, the LGBTQ+ relationship was just a tease. A queer angel declared his love and died. Then Dean died so he’d never get chance to process his feelings (if he had any). Dean and the viewers learned Cas had been saved, but Dean never bothered to pray to Cas or make any other attempt to reconnect with him. Had Cas escaped before Dean’s death? Had Cas just let Dean die? We never find out. Whether intentional or not, Castiel no longer had any significance in the life or death of the man he loved so strongly. If you related to Cas the exemption was a gut punch. I saw Cas as important and he was my voice and my story, and then 15x20 had Castiel as unimportant to the story and he was silenced.

The Bury your Gay trope

Cas had come out, and now his last scene was his death. Castiel was written out of the show, and no one seemed willing to give him more than a passing thought. The series regular and reoccurring character of 12 years was treated like he was never very important to Dean or Sam. This wasn’t historic, this is the “bury your gay” trope and a real problem for LGBTQ+ representation in movies and shows.

Negative impact of teasing LGBTQ+ romance in movies and shows

15x18 didn’t just feature Cas coming out, his coming out could have been handled just like Chuck’s in season 11 by dialogue stating he liked guys too. Castiel’s coming out was part of a declaration of love to his best friend. This teased a possible LGBTQ+ romance between two male leads with no intention of follow through. Heteronormative fans can state my perspective was invalid, but I’d like to challenge them to see LGBTQ+ as just as valid and normal as cishet romance.

If unintentional:

this was insensitive and bad representation

If intentional:

at best queer baiting (Dean was cishet so any fans that thought reciprocation was possible were wrong. Never mind all the subtextual queer coding of Dean that non-heteronormative viewers had observed.)

at worst outright homophobia (if you read Dean as a closeted bisexual that is fridged before he has chance to come out)

The Intention of C* Spn?

I have to wonder what the LGBTQ+ in Spn fandom ever did to make the show runners so mad at us. I would really like to get the perspective of the show runners, because without that, it is just too easy to believe the worst.

Perceiving the Finale Message of We don’t Belong

And the worst is heart wrenching. The marginalized members of fandom that related to the outcast angel were excluded from the Winchester’s ending. Even though we cared about them so much over the years. Many members of fandom had found families, and were validated by the reoccurring theme that family doesn’t end in blood.

But the finale retconned that message. Castiel was queer, and he was erased. He wasn’t a part of Sam and Dean’s ending. Fandom that related to Castiel could see our affection for the brothers wasn’t reciprocated. We just helped when we were useful but in the end unworthy of love. Family actually did end in blood, and we were naive for believing otherwise.

Spn queer baited LGBTQ+ one last time to drive up viewership, so the marginalized part of the audience could bear witness to Castiel’s exclusion from the Winchester’s finale. We never belonged. This wasn’t our story. This was the story of cishet white brothers, Sam and Dean, that were the product of their cishet white parents, John and Mary, that lived up the road in their Heaven. The queer angel of the lord was not going to intrude in their story any longer, despite his devotion to them over the past 12 years. We didn’t belong, because Castiel didn’t belong.

Other Views are Valid

I just want to reiterate that everything I’m saying is just my own opinion. If other LGBTQ+ thought the episodes were perfect that is also very valid. If you are not a LGBTQ+ then I appreciate your support, and ask that you check any biases before disagreeing with my opinion. Cishet will never be made to feel marginalized, inferior, or abnormal because of their sexuality or gender. And if you want to save LGBTQ+ lives you can try to change your view to see queer as normal and become a LGBTQ+ ally.

TLDR;

Misha’s performance was amazing. Bobo Beren’s writing was brilliant. After 15x18, the romance was like a puzzle that had all the pieces carefully together except the last one. Then 15x20 took that beautiful, nearly complete puzzle and dumped it in a metal trash bin, soaked it in lighter fluid, and burned it to ash. I blame the showrunners. They should never have had a LGBTQ+ come out to have his love unrequited, die, and then get erased from the story. Bad representation is worse than no representation.

[okpeachwa]

Destiel Theories/Thoughts/Shaky Predictions/Hopes (Trying For Positivity) Part 1

Castiel - I have a feeling Misha and everyone have been very sneaky in terms of their wording in interviews about the last episodes (oh Jack, at least I hope so). In an online article from TVLine he says: “It was super emotional. Just the way the shooting days lined up, I happened to be shooting Castiel’s last scene in the show at the very end of the day on my very last day of shooting. So my last scene shot was Castiel’s last scene in the series.” He also says: “I’m really happy with Cas’ ending. It’s sad, but it is kind of exactly what I would have hoped for.” And lastly: “The only real regret that I have over the years from Castiel is he got to be human for a little while, [but] I just wished he played on that playground for a little longer. I wish that Castiel had gotten to experience being a human for longer, because it felt like that was a really rich well to draw from, and we kind of missed out on a little bit there.” Now (applies clown makeup), this whole interview made me think that maybe, just maaaaaybe, he wasn’t talking about episode 18. He doesn’t explicitly say (or have I missed something?). And the wording is very interesting....I mean, right? As far as Cas’ ending being sad, could Misha be talking about maybe Cas becoming human and living out his days with a certain hunter??? I mean the Empty must never want anything to do with Castiel ever again after all that’s happened (wasn’t it mentioned that after Jack went nuclear in there the Empty has become unstable?). Why wouldn’t the Empty just keep the angelic grace (perhaps to heal itself and finally sleep) and toss Cas back out so he can spend the rest of his days with Dean? Sam - I hope Sam has a significant part to play in getting Dean to confess. We all know that Sam has known that the angel and his stupid brother have been in love with each other for forever (even before they knew probably). I think God’s ark for Sam this season (doubting himself, losing hope) applies to his whole journey across the show. He keeps doubting himself and losing confidence when he needs to dig in and find it the most. Dean always kind of cuts in (making Sam feel even more inadequate and thus starting the vicious cycle again). But not anymore. Sam can finally find the confidence within himself to speak his mind when his brother’s and best friend’s happiness are on the line. Because he has free will and they are his family. He will look his brother in the eye and tell him that if he doesn’t go save that angel right now, he will personally kick his ass. In S15E4 (the same episode Becky gave us that ?maybe? foreshadowing for Ep19 & 20) at the end in the Impala Dean explains that when he was feeling hopeless and wanting to give up on life Sam was the one that brought him back. By saying that what they did still mattered. Saving people. They don’t do it because “somebody has to” (I mean yeah, but nah). They do what they do for love. Always have. So yeah, I think Sam is going to remind his brother that they can and will save Cas. Because that’s what they do. Dean - Dean also needs to round out his arc. He needs to love himself and find happiness in “being” just like Cas. He’s going to realize (when Sammy gives him a talking to if he hasn’t already) that he can’t just not say anything. He ALWAYS does that emotional constipation song and dance and now is the time to knock it the hell off! Now is the time for him to nut-up and finally speak his truth instead of keeping quiet and regurgitating what he thinks he’s supposed to say. Pretty sure that’s why he didn’t react as much as his heart wanted to when Cas said he loved him because ~years of trauma~ (terrible Dad, hero complex, etc).

We haven’t had a good ole Dean monologue in awhile, and I personally am ready for the badassery to commence. I crave the goose bumps and the tears.

[fandomlurker]

A Ponderous Rewatch: Prologue

You know, I didn’t think this would happen. I didn’t go into bingeing the 2020 renewal of Animaniacs with the thought “I’m going to watch this and then go and watch the original Pinky and the Brain shorts and spin-off show and do a rewatch and loose analysis on the whole franchise with special attention on queer subtext and themes”. What I initially set out to do was simply watch the renewal and see if it lived up to the show I watched pretty regularly as a kid in the 90s…or at least what I remembered of it through the haze of decades worth of time.

Pinky and the Brain was my favorite set-up on Animaniacs back in the day. Back then I probably wouldn’t even have been able to tell you why beyond “I think it’s funny and the characters are fun to watch as they screw up trying to take over the world”. Other segments were funny to me back in the day, too. Slappy the squirrel was great in that she was basically just like the classic, near-timeless Looney Toons a la Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck, but as an old lady toon who’s seen it all and tries to relate to the changing world while proving that the ol’ slapstick ways still work. The Goodfeathers were entertaining despite the fact that I was a literal child and didn’t even know that it was a big ol’ spoof of Goodfellas. Hell, I’ve still never seen Goodfellas, but three pigeons trying to carry themselves like macho tough guy mafia folks while being goddamn pigeons is still funny with or without that context. And as for the Warner siblings themselves? Their skits were pretty consistently great as well. Lots of that Bugs Bunny-like energy of putting terrible folks in their place when they annoy you while coupling it with the dynamic of three child siblings who are very, very active and much too clever for the average person. It was fun!

But as I watched the 2020 reboot with its stripped-down cast now largely consisting of just the Warner siblings and Pinky and the Brain segments for the season (And I’ll be honest, some of the segments from the 90s like Katie Kaboom, Buttons and Mindy, and the Hip-Hippos are ones I’ll be happy to never have return because they were godawful even back then), it brought into focus the strength of those segments compared to most of the others from the old 90s line-up: The strong dynamic and chemistry of the relationships between the main characters of those skits. The Warner siblings are a trio of kids who, despite being truly cut from the same wacky cloth as the most beloved of Looney Toon characters, also very much tap into a very realistic depiction of sibling relationships. Sure, they get on each other’s nerves sometimes. Sure, sometimes they have disagreements on how they view a certain situation. At the end of the day, however, they care about each other more than anything else and work in such perfect sync despite differences in who they are individually.  Sure, Yakko is a talkative theater kid jackass who sasses back at the drop of a dime. Sure, Wakko is kinda quiet and spaced-out and he has the appetite of a garbage disposal. Sure, Dot is adorable and witty and loudly and proudly feminist with an oddly feral streak. But if any one of them is inconvenienced or picked on or threatened in any way by someone, even if that someone is a powerful celebrity of some sort? You bet your ass the other two will immediately back their sibling up and make their tormentor’s life a living hell for the next however long the skit lasts. They’re little gremlin children who love one another, and have a surprisingly tragic backstory that actually speaks to a lot of fans on several levels.

But, okay, the bond between the Warner siblings is great and fun. What about Pinky and the Brain? What makes their dynamic stand out?

Folks, that’s where things get a little more…interesting. To me, at least.

So, watching the beginning of the 2020 reboot got me to slowly remember the parts I loved about the Pinky and the Brain skits from Animaniacs…were actually from their spin-off show. And the things I remembered most clearly from the spin-off were the more heartwarming moments that showed how much they cared about and loved one another, despite Brain being exhausted by Pinky’s dimwitted antics at times. And for a supposedly continuity-light cartoon show, there was a surprising amount of consistency to the main duo and their motivations. There was even a handful of reoccurring side characters the audience was expected to recognize from past episodes, as well, which is a bit strange to have for a show that initially seemed to aim to be strictly episodic. I remembered the odd amount of depth there was to the series. Nothing groundbreaking, mind you, but definitely something more than the average comedy cartoon.

So after watching the first few episodes of the reboot, I took to Tumblr to see if anyone remembered the old 90s show and to see how they were reacting to the new one. In doing so, I came across this post:

“i love that ppl make jokes abt a pinky and the brain version of the destiel confession because that. already happened....... the only difference is that brain pulls pinky out of superhell instead of dying on a barn nail”

Now, look, I’ve never watched Supernatural and only know it through Tumblr cultural osmosis, and at the time we were all riding off the high of the madness that was the finale of that show and the fallout from it. But ANYWAY…

This piqued my interest because 1. I didn’t remember watching an episode of Pinky and the Brain where anything like that happened, and 2. I was already picking up strong gay vibes from the reboot only a few episodes in. So, basically, I just had to hunt down this episode to sate my curiosity and see for myself if there was subtext in this 90s cartoon that I hadn’t quite picked up on as a kid.

I found the episode and started watching it. “Wow,” I said to myself, “this is a lot gayer than I remember…” And after finishing the episode, memories came flooding back to me:

That time the Brain fell for a girl mouse that was looked and acted lot like Pinky.

All those moments where Pinky would wear drag to disguise himself as Brain’s significant other in one way or another to further their plans for that episode, and how I could never remember it being ridiculed.

That one time they accidentally had a child together via a science mishap.

The ending of the Christmas special!...

And as I sat there, dumbstruck and searching Tumblr’s tags to see how far this particular rabbit hole (mouse hole?) went, everything finally clicked in my little bisexual mind.

This was one of the big reasons as to why I loved the Pinky and the Brain skits so much above all the others on Animaniacs all those years ago when I was a kid. It was the same sort of thing that subconsciously drew me to many of the cartoons and anime and media in general I loved as a child, back before I had the proper knowledge and self-awareness to know or express it.

Looking back on my life, I’d always gravitated to and resonated the most with stories and media with queer content in text or subtext. And sure, this cartoon was/is no Sailor Moon or Revolutionary Girl Utena with explorations of gender roles and queerness. It’s no Steven Universe or She-Ra with out and proud queer characters. It’s no The Little Mermaid or The Happy Prince where the stories were made by queer authors and subtextually about queer experience.

However…

However…!

I was surprised to find how deep the gay subtext went with Pinky and the Brain. Hell, I still am. This little Warner Brothers, Looney Toons-pedigree, continuity-light show about two lab mice trying to take over the world in bizarre, hilarious ways has such a weirdly continuous, heartfelt, touching, engaging, and sometimes outrageously raunchy queer undercurrent to it. All done in the 90s! It’s kind of baffling.

This is not to say that the creators and writers of the shows deliberately set out to do this. I don’t believe that anyone involved sat down and said to themselves “I’m going to make this so fucking gay!”. Sure, the voice actors of both Pinky and the Brain have said that they played the dynamic with “the energy of an old gay couple” and they’ve said plenty of suggestive or outright not safe for work things in the character’s voices in interviews and at convention panels. I firmly believe that they’re just having fun as the characters, just as much as I believe the writers were probably just having fun and putting in the gay subtext and suggestive lines as a kind of long running joke and seeing how far they could take it.

(By the time of the Pinky and the Brain comics, however, I’m not so sure. Some of the stuff they got away with in those issues is…amazing, to say the least.)

Regardless of actual intent, I think the writers of Pinky and the Brain (both old and new), have accidentally created a sort of subtextual, yet pretty powerful love story. And you know what? I want to rewatch this story for myself and write down my thoughts as I go along. I tried something similar quite a while back with Droids, and while I kind of ran out of steam as my life got busier and never finished, I have time now for something like this.

I should also say that I’m not out here to, like, convert anyone into shipping cartoon mice together. I imagine most people see Pinky and the Brain as nothing other than very close friends, and that’s a completely valid viewpoint to have. I doubt there will ever be some sort of canonization of a gay relationship between the two, as I imagine most of the writers on the new show (and hell, on the old one) are heterosexual themselves and would view such an idea as “ruining the comedy and the dynamic of the characters” or something similar. I’ve been in the fandom game long enough to know better than to hope and expect any media to sincerely tackle queer relationships in stories that only have the subtext there, especially in comedies.

I guess I’m doing this more to explore something I loved as a child and to see if I can find just as much if not more enjoyment from it as an adult, albeit maybe for different reasons. Hell, it’s also an opportunity to peek into a kind of time capsule from the 90s regarding how far queer subtext could be pushed back then, even when heavily couched in comedy. This is just a little project I wanna do for fun in my spare time. And hey, maybe a few of you out there will have some fun reading it too, who knows?

Either way, see you sometime soon in the new year.

[fanaticalthings]

It Isn’t Beautiful Because It Lasts

Destiel Ficlet

AO3

The human lifespan was short. Castiel knew this, of course.

He knew that one day the Winchesters would no longer be with him. He knew that one day he'd be alone. It was inevitable, after all.

He's ancient. Older than one could ever imagine. He's watched life come and go over and over again, he's watched entire eras pass by as species evolved and the world changed and adapted. To him, it all seemed to pass by in the blink of an eye, and even now as he leans more towards humanity than angelic grace, he finds himself thinking that the lives of humans are still too short.

It seemed that falling from grace only helped to further ingrain into his mind how important it was to appreciate the little aspects of life that wouldn't last forever.

And even though Castiel knows he still has many years left with his all-too-human family, he still can't bring himself to fully accept that one day, they'll be gone– entirely forgotten, like a leaf getting swept away by the wind, never to be seen again.

When he was an angel, life seemed less significant to him than it did now. Of course, he still appreciated them, they were all God's creations, so how could he not? But back then he still turned a blind eye to how impactful a single life could be. Species would die, empires would fall, and the times would constantly change– as if the Earth was going through multiple phases, as a teenager would.

When Castiel watches humanity now, he sees their beauty in all of their short-lived glory– these creatures that his father had created to be loved and protected. And when he observes the life of these humans, he thinks that it was actually the angels that were unworthy of watching over them all along.

For Castiel, it all started with one bright soul. One human that shifted his perspective of everything– of himself.

And even now, when Castiel watches Dean Winchester perform mundane, everyday acts, he thinks to himself; What did he do to deserve this human?

And when Dean meets Castiel's eyes and grins at him brightly, Castiel can feel his fading grace burn heavily underneath the surface of his skin.

"You gonna help me with this case or keep staring at me? I mean, I know I'm a fine piece of ass but it'd be nice to have some help here, buddy," Dean joked.

Castiel responds with a smile of his own.

"Of course, Dean."

------

When Castiel watches Dean sleep, he feels an odd flutter of affection spiralling in his gut. He knows that Dean would've grumbled at Castiel's awkward habit of observing him while he slept, but Castiel still has the urge to do it anyway.

Nowadays, it's just to make sure Dean is okay. But Castiel still likes to stretch out the moment for as long as possible. It's relaxing to see Dean asleep and peaceful. With everything the Winchesters had been through, sleep was now their only escape to peace.

It seems Castiel is not so lucky today, because Dean's eyes fly open and begin to shift into focus at the sight of Castiel.

"Really, man? Thought we'd gotten past the whole, creepy stalker nature," Dean grunted. Although, he doesn't seem too upset this time. He looks adorable like this, Castiel notes. His bed hair and bleary-eyed blinking make Dean look so innocent.

"My apologies, I was just about to leave," Castiel assures, but as soon as he makes a move for the door, he feels a warm hand clamp around his arm.

"Hey uh," Dean begins. He shuffles awkwardly as he tries to position himself on the bed.

Castiel lifts an eyebrow and stares down to meet green eyes.

"Yes, Dean?"

Dean shifts his gaze over to somewhere behind Castiel over his shoulder.

"Could you uh," Dean fumbles around a bit before finishing with uncertainty, "stay?"

Castiel can feel his heart swell hearing this. There's just something about Dean that endears him so much that he can't put it into words.

"If that is what you want, Dean."

Castiel can see some of the tension leave him, as Dean starts to move over to make room on the bed.

Once Castiel sits on the edge of the mattress, Dean begins to settle down on his back, staring at the ceiling.

"So whatcha thinkin' about?" Dean asks. He's slightly turned so he can look over at Castiel. "You seem kinda out of it."

Castiel blinks at him, "What do you mean?" He shifts his body so that his back isn't to Dean's to better engage in the conversation.

"I don't know dude you tell me," Dean retorts. "You've been more...quiet, I guess."

Castiel tilts his head, and Dean's eyes seem to soften slightly at the movement.

"I was not aware," Castiel responds. "I suppose I've just been thinking about certain things."

Dean squints at him and leans a little closer.

"Thinking about what?"

Castiel hesitates before responding. For a little while, he just stares at Dean and scans over those all too familiar features. He stares until Dean starts to squirm under his gaze.

"You," Castiel says. "I've been reminiscing about our time together on this earth."

Dean grins slightly. "Me?"

Castiel nods and Dean chuckles.

"Wow I'm awfully flattered," he jokes. "Unless those thoughts about me are bad?" Dean raises an eyebrow in question.

"No, it's just…" Castiel trails off. Dean is still looking at him expectantly.

"I think about humanity," Castiel sighs. "I think about how one day you'll leave me– you and your brother."

Dean's expression shifts into one of abundant empathy. He moves closer into Castiel's space until their sides are practically touching.

For a moment, there's silence.

"We're not going anywhere, Cas," Dean finally whispers. His hand comes up to Castiel's shoulder to grip him tightly. "I'm not going anywhere."

Castiel only smiles in return.

"I've cherished our time together, Dean. And I'll cherish the moments yet to come," Castiel says softly

Slowly, Castiel intertwines his fingers with Dean's.

"After meeting you, I've come to appreciate God's creations more intimately. I admire how humanity works."

And it was true. Castiel was truly fascinated by humans– fascinated by how they could accomplish so much in their short lives– fascinated by their lasting beauty even after they've left this world.

Castiel was enthralled. And he was positive in saying he would do it all over again if he could– the pain and winglessness and all.

"I admire you," Castiel finishes.

Dean flinches visibly and sighs.

"Never really thought I'd ever be admired by an angel of all things," Dean grimaces.

The air is filled with a sort of melancholy that Castiel wants to get rid of. He wants to make the most of the remaining years he has with Dean. He wants to make him smile as much as he can– wants to see his soul glow brightly throughout the universe.

"I'm glad I was the one that raised you from damnation."

"Yeah?"

"Yes."

The corners of Dean's mouth quirk up.

"Well then, the feeling's mutual," Dean squeezes his hand.

Castiel loves him. He loves this human so much that his grace threatens to spill out of his body whenever he's near him. He's loved Dean Winchester for so long– loved him so fiercely that he turned his back against everything he was programmed to do.

At first, he didn't know what to call this feeling. He didn't even know that his feelings towards Dean were not the same as his feelings towards other humans, Sam, for example. It took him so long to realize it.

He fell. Hard.

When Dean starts to shuffle under the covers, it snaps Castiel out of his stupor. Castiel just watches Dean even as he starts to eye him expectantly.

"Well?" Dean asks. He draws back the covers slightly.

"What?" Castiel responds confused.

"If you're gonna watch me sleep, may as well get comfy. Just don't wake me up," he states simply.

Castiel takes the invitation and lies next to Dean. He doesn't really need to sleep, but spending the night in Dean's bed sounds very appealing to him.

As Dean further settles under the covers, he turns his head so that his eyes stare directly into Cas's. Their heads are so close that Castiel can feel Dean's breath at the tip of his nose. It would be so easy to close the gap between them.

"I don't think I've ever met a creature with a soul as bright as yours," Castiel blurts without thinking. He blames it on the fact that Dean is so close to him right now.

Without warning, Dean surges towards his lips and closes the distance between them. Castiel is taken aback at first– he's never expected Dean to be so forward. But soon after, Castiel finds himself kissing back, chasing Dean's lips even as they pull away for air.

Castiel feels so light as if he were flying. Dean looks back at him a little dazed. He's not entirely sure what to make of this.

Dean huffs a laugh and Castiel beams.

"You're a pretty okay kisser," Dean muses.

Castiel wraps his arms around Dean's waist and pulls him even closer.

"I want to spend every moment I have left with you." Castiel knows this is not possible, but he dreams anyway. "You made me fall for your kind. Ever since hell, I've never been the same. You've made me who I am today, Dean Winchester."

Dean gazes back at him and smiles.

"Gettin' all sappy on me now, Cas?"

"I can't really help it, I suppose."

Dean snorts and relaxes into Castiel's embrace.

"You've kept me awake for too long now, although I'm not complaining," Dean says, "but I seriously need my four hours, so I'm just gonna conk out."

"Of course, Dean. I'll watch over you," Castiel promises.

"Night, Cas," Dean mumbles back and effectively passes out immediately.

Castiel threads his fingers through Dean's hair while he sleeps, and gazes over his features once more.

I love you, Castiel thinks as he listens to Dean's steady breaths. I'll love you for the rest of my life.

Castiel realizes now that it is humanity's mortality that makes them so entrancing to him. Death was inevitable, and that was what made life so sweet, after all, a thing isn't beautiful because it lasts.

Castiel grips Dean tighter and closes his eyes.

"Goodnight, Dean."

[queerwolfsstuff]

What it’s like being a cynical Destiel clown.

Spoilers ahead for SPN Season 15 Episode 18

I’ve been through the emotional ringer this last week, and don’t even get me started on the producers’ decision to air Cas’s death episode the week of the election, but I digress.

Let me give you some backstory, I have been seeking out LGBTQ+ content in film and television since I was 12. So, this started in the mid 90s, where a majority of content was either castrated to make it palatable for straight viewers, toxic character stereotypes, and most of the time ended in the kill/bury your gays trope. Look at the oscars, the only time an actor wins for portraying a gay/bi/trans character is when said character dies.

Anyway, this has meant I have had to thrive and survive on subtext. With the exception of Gallavich, none of the pairings I’ve shipped have ever become canon, so I’ve always been content to just read into the subtext and build from there. And there’s a long history of subtext in media (see this video here: https://youtu.be/nwrTU-FnGlw)

Anyway, prior to Misha’s confirmation, I could feel and see the canonization of Destiel in that beautiful moment, albeit one-sided, but I could also see it’s ambiguity. And that’s because the writers have made it abundantly clear over the years that destiel does not exist.

From shooting fans down in panels or on social media, even to the point of mockery and blocking. Adamant stances that destiel doesn’t exist. Remember the last time Cas said those three little words? The destiel fandom collectively lost their shit, while the non destiel fans and the writers shot us down. We were delusional, we were reading too much into things.

It’s why, despite the supreme joy I feel at this confession, at this canon romantic love Castiel has for Dean, I’m wary AF. I don’t trust the writers to not completely ignore the confession in the final two episodes, and knowing that Misha isn’t slated for the final two episodes, the lack of acknowledgement and/or reciprocity will only exacerbate the problematic approach to making this ship canon.

Yes, technically they won’t go down as the longest queerbaiting show in television history now (and don’t think I’m not grateful to Bobo for making that happen, and I’m so fucking glad he was the one to give it to us), but now, knowing the projected ending, that means they pulled out the bury/kill your gays trope, and that’s a problem.

What message does that send to young queer kids? Hell, even to adults who struggle with their sexuality? For those who aren’t aware, I’m in grad school, getting my MFA in creative writing, and I am constantly addressing the severe lack of representation and healthy representation in mainstream media. As a queer person, I’m sick and fucking tired of lgbtq+ characters being side lined or worse, and let’s be real here, Supernatural has a tendency to kill off female, queer, and/or BIPOC characters. They’ve gotten away with it because, technically, all the characters on this show have died at least once or more.

This is why I’m conflicted, Destiel became canon at the expense of the queer viewers, but I’m still happy it became canon.

But shouldn’t I just be happy they addressed it at all? I mean, you’re not wrong. For the fans who see the significance of this, after years and years of being told we were crazy, we were reading too much into things, this is a form of validation and it’s “greedy” to expect anything more.

I don’t expect more for my personal preference, I don’t expect more just because I want to see a canon kiss or reciprocity (although I wouldn’t say no to that), I expect more because us queer viewers should be more than a statistic or ratings grab.

Maybe I got spoiled by Dan Levy, and seeing a world where queer representation isn’t just there, but embraced, loved, handled with care and shown that homophobia no longer has a place.

If you’re psyched destiel went canon, I get it. You want to bask in your happiness, enjoy this moment, and may I suggest you subscribe to @angeldoveyt’s YouTube channel for even more breathtaking content.

If you’re pissed that the show didn’t make it more blatant and perpetuated toxic tropes, I get that too. It’s problematic and after the year we had, seems kind of shitty. And in that case, may I suggest you watch Schitt’s Creek if you haven’t already.

If you’re like me, and have whiplash from feeling both of these emotions, shit, I have no recommendations other than, let’s stop turning on each other. Those of us who are mad are not trying to ruin it for the rest of you. Those of us who are excited aren’t simply ignoring the problematic implementation of canon destiel.

However this went down, someone was going to be mad, because for some reason, this show made us care. Care about the actors, care about these fictional characters, care about each other.

As Cas said, maybe it isn’t in the having, but in being, in just saying it. Destiel is canon, whether or not you liked how it went down, and that’s not nothing.

[espejonight28738]

15×09 "The Trap" Meta

Warning: As always, Destiel and Saileen positive so don't like don't read.

OMG guys I can't even this episode was something else. Like, for real.

First of all, it looks like I was right about Eileen being part of Chuck's plan.

"I helping to Sam the Bunker. To Sam. To Romance." Thanks Chuck for proving me right, but if you could please not hurt my baby Eileen and Sam while you do it would be awesome ;-;

Now if only I could be in the right about the happy ending...

But whatever. Let's talk about the prayer first, because I could talk about it for hours. Everything was so wonderful.

First, when Dean looks he only have 29 minutes left to find Cas, you could see all the trauma resourfaced. You could see how he was imagining ending up without Cas again. Having to go back home (although he didn't seem to be going to the portal when right before he found Cas, but I have no certainty about it) and leave Cas behind, and he imagined himself reliving the guilt and the hallucinations and the hopelessness.

[Gif by the amazing @agusvedder because I want you to look at him and tell me that ain't the look of a man who just imagined losing the love of his life again]

And, above all, Dean imagined having to live through it all knowing he never fixed their relationship. Rowena's words about not waiting until it was too late must have been ringing in his ears. And he knows that he needs Cas to know.

Purgatory's pureness gave him a new understanding of his emotions, and I'm not talking about the anger (it's obvious Dean already knew he had that problem), but the need for Cas.

"Cas, buddy, I need you." That same need, mixed with the possibility of losing Cas yet once again was enough for Dean to just break down in the middle of a land of abominations.

And the first thing he says. "I should've stopped you." Can you see how he is telling us we were right all along? Cas said "I left but you didn't stop me." And now Dean knows he could have.

If he had tried to talk, if he had asked Cas to stay, maybe he wouldn't have left. Dean put himself through that depression (the even heavier drinking, comfort food, the coldness) .

[And as an author note. How was that real? "You didn't stop me/I should've stop you" The Brontë sisters WISH they could write that levels of angsty romance.]

And, having Dean finally admitting to his very real anger issues gives me very high hopes for everything else. It's not like his problem will disappear, it does was kinda beaten into him, but having him admitting it is recognizing it as a standing problem between Dean and a Happy Future, so we can assume that will be another one of the problem they'll tackle in the rest of the season.

(Or maybe they'll forget about it. But s15 has been so good until now that I'm hoping they won't ignore it.)

And Dean calling Cas his best friends. Holy mother of God. I know I made several jokes about it, but it truly is so significant. Because words like "Family" and "Brother (and sister for Charlie)" are ones Dean had given other people. But Best Friend is only for Cas, it puts him in a special place in Dean's live no one else shares.

Maybe it's not exactly the place we want him to be in (yet), but the fact alone that they recognize once again how Dean and Cas' relationship is different to the one they have with anyone else.

So when did found Cas and said "Okay, Cas, I need to say something", I agree we wasn't about to repeat his prayer.

The Prayer (the fact that Dean got on his damn knees, for god's sake) was a moment of absolute vulnerability and emotion. Dean grew up in with a "no emotions" mentality tought to him by John, and so we seldom see him show this kind of raw vulnerability by choice. Considering that the Winchesters (as always, I include Jack and Cas in there) are an experts in 'I screw up and you got angry but then we had a bigger problem so we kinda left it behind us bc we are family and I love you anyway, or we just move on without never really discussing it' but not in actually apologizing, I would go as far as to say this was probably the most heartfelt apologize we've seen in the series.

I've watched the scene like a million times, and he just carries an attitude of doing something big. Like a big reveal, not like repiting himself.

Because he knew Cas heard him. The reason he said "I hope you can here me, that wherever you are, it's not too late" it's 'cause he was afraid Cas had died. That is was really too late. Once he saw Cas was alive? I don't think Dean doubted for a second Cas had heard him. He was hoing to say something else.

Cas clearly didn't want to take the risk of Dean telling him what he truly wanted to hear- what he had wanted for years. The risk of his deal with the Empty hovering behind hime. He couldn't be so selfish as allowing himself to hear it, just to abandon Dean right after.

Then Cas interrupted him.

Or abandoning Sam when he was at God's mercy, or leaving the World SavingTM to them. He couldn't. Dean doesn't even now about the deal.

I cannot tell you how much I loved it. Not in a "I want this to happen" way, of course not, but in what it means.

That's why Dabb said this episode wasn't the resolution. There's still much unsaid between them, if you believe there is an 'I love you' somewhere there. I think that's what has my hopes the highest. Because if they are only bff, then why didn't this solve everything? What is left hanging? I don't want to clown but it's literally the only thing that makes sense in my opinion.

And now, let's talk about the future Sam saw.

Sam and Dean don't need only each other to be happy, they need other people. That's basically what that future said.

"What's happened to you Dean? Ever since..."

"Ever since what? We lost pretty much everyone we ever cared about?"

[There is like a 2 second pause here that I feel very important andd significant. The separation between what 'everyone' and 'Cas']

"Ever since the Mark made Cas go crazy? Ever since I had to bury him in Ma'lak box? Ever since then? Yeah." [Jfc you can hear it pains him to say Cas' name]

"Bobby had a death wish and you know it. And Jody? Ever since what happened to Donna and the girls, she does too.

And after Eileen? So do you."

He's acknowledging everyone's breaking point. Jody's was Donna and the girls (we don't know exactly which one was the last straw, as we know that at least in Claire's case they died at different times). Sam's was Eileen. His was Cas.

And he is very clear in that. We can't know what happened first, but we know that Sam asks what happened to *him* and he says it was Cas going crazy. It was having to bury Cas alive what made him lose all hope. Because at least he can hope they ones dead can find pace, but Cas? Dean, and for how he said it he probably did it alone, had to bury Cas knowing he was going to be there for the rest of the time. Suffering alone. Dean knows how it's like to have the Mark.

That broke Dean. And having Sam wasn't enough to put him back together.

And after Eileen somehow died again, Sam just stop caring about living, he just care about taking down as many monsters as he can before he dies. 'Death wish' Dean called it. He would know about that, he is Dean "You wanna die" Winchester, after all.

Having Dean wasn't enough for Sam to want to keep on living.

"We lost, brother. We lost. I'm done."

They still have each other? Yes. Is that remotely enough? No. That's what the future told us. They need more than each other, they need other people.

But there was a little something else that made it even more beautiful.

"The Dean who raised me [...]"

Let's be clear about something, I think the show never gives enough recognition for having raised same pretty much by himself since he was 4 years. The situation was totally unfair to Dean and yet he never once took it out on Sam, he just look out for him, cooked for him, and make sure he could be as much of a child as the situation allowed, that is a lot more than Dean ever could. In his own words, he wasn't just a brother, he was also a father and a mother.

I just want to cry for thinking how hard that was for both brother. And Sam knows it, even if he doesn't always acknowledges. So the fact that he chose the words "the Dean that raised me" when "the Dean that I know", for example, would have conveyed the sentiment as well, is significant.

They wanted to remember how important they are for each other, how much they love each other. They don't dismiss that, they are making sure we remember that, at the same time they are telling us the alone aren't enough for a happy ending.

They are telling us what we need for a True Happy Ending.

Dean and Sam still being close brothers and loving each other, but allowing themselves to love and need other people.

Okay I'll go to the point.

A HAPPY ENDING IS SAM AND THEN HAVING OTHER PEOPLE IN THEIR LIVES WITHOUT LOSING EACH OTHER.

A HAPPY ENDING IS THE END OF THE TOXIC CODEPENDENCY AND THE START OF A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP THAT INCLUDES THEIR RELATIONSHIPS WITH OTHER PEOPLE.

You guys now I've been saying they are hinting at it since my meta of "The Rupture" but this ain't foreshadowing THEY ARE SCREAMING IT. Like I can't come up with a radically different interpretation.

So this episode only got my hopes for endgame Saileen and Destiel (the destiel maybe not at canon as the saileen, but heavily hinted at least) even higher. Specially for the parallel with Eileen having Dean's doubts ("I don't know what's real") and Sam making kinda answering the same ("We are"/"I know that was real"). Btw I'll be screaming because of that for the rest of my days.

[BONUS: Random questions I can't seem to answer.

Does the angels even know God's going bersek? I mean, Belphegor didn't know it was God the one who broke hell... but even Lilith's been brought back. Do they know Micheal's back? God I don't know.

Was that really a possible future? Or it does was like a Zacharaiah tactic? Why does Chuck's abscence makes monster go crazy? Wasn't the point that it didn't unblanaced the powers?

Story-wise, why ain't Cas in next episode?

Was that the last mention of Claire? An off-screen hypotetical death? Please someome let me see my girl again.]

Tagging: @metafest @verobatto-angelxhunter @agusvedder @legendary-destiel @that-one-fandom-chick @studio-hatter

[miggydiaz]

for the salty ask: 3, 7, 10, 11, 15, 16, 19, 22, 23, 24, 25 and 27 for spn

I had to do this one today because I have a LOT of Supernatural feelings and so a lot of these are even longer than my CK one. But thanks for the ask @wonderwolfballoon!

UNPOPULAR SUPERNATURAL OPINIONS AHOY: INCLUDES ANTI-DESTIEL SENTIMENTS AND OTHER UNSAVORY ELEMENTS

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion? 100000000% I have unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion in the SPN fandom. SPN was the fandom that taught me to make JUDICIOUS use of the blocking feature tumblr offers in order to curate my experience. I would actually encourage anyone and everyone to use the blocking feature if they disagree with people. Honestly, we don’t owe anyone our time or energy, especially on the internet! It is much healthier than sending or responding to hate, IMO. 7. Is there anything you used to like but can’t stand now?* This is actually a hard one for me to answer, so let me start by saying -- I have not seen a SINGLE episode since 9x05? I think? Whichever episode was the Dr. Deanlittle one where he talks to animals. I just couldn’t do it anymore. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the first 5 seasons, and they are all I watch anymore and I pretend nothing else exists after that (except The French Mistake because that episode is hilarious). But uh... I guess the simple answer is when I was originally watching it, I really loved Dean. He was brash, snarky, rough around the edges... but kind of soft in a I’m too toxically masculine to deal with my softness sort of way that I love seeing characters grow out of as they mature. But when I go back and rewatch now, much older than I was in 2006 when I first started watching, I see how awful a lot of his older behavior truly was. I still love Dean, and I will be a Dean girl until I die probably, but sometimes you gotta remind yourself that your faves have been problematic in the past so you don’t put them up on fandom constructed pedestals.

10. Most disliked arc? Why? AND AS A BONUS, MY ANSWER to 11. Is there an unpopular character you like that the fandom doesn’t? Why? I could write a literal essay about all of the problems I have with the later seasons (the ones I watched, which encompasses 6, 7, 8, and a few episodes of 9). But by far and away, the thing I hated most, was the Men of Letters.

Okay, this is where I am going to recognize my love of certain characters is at FUNDAMENTAL ODDS with how that character develops later and what history and background we get later on them. I RECOGNIZE this character is problematic, and I would NEVER STAND for his shit IRL, but fiction is complicated and nuanced, and fantastic circumstances do not make for normal behaviors. That being said, with all warnings I could possibly give, and with the full understanding that what I am about to say is basically fandom blasphemy of the highest order...

I like John Winchester’s character.

I know, I know. If you wanna stop reading and block me now, you are free to do that. I will not hold it against you. I am not about to apologize for anything he has done. I just need to contextualize why I have such an issue with the MOL storyline and it starts with the simple fact that I liked John Winchester as he was originally presented.

To me, and with the full understanding that I am answering this from the perspective of someone who DOES NOT regard anything past season 5 as personal canon, John Winchester is the perfect example of a truly complicated character. Here’s a parent who, if we take the pilot and the original s2 Djinn episodes at face value, could have been a great parent, who then got shoved into a fantastically impossible situation and made terrible choices that he thought were necessary in order to keep himself and his sons safe. That does not EXCUSE the heaps of abuse that he piled onto Dean in any way. We know John and Mary didn’t have a great marriage. But we also know from the pilot that John was at least a caring and present father, mostly,  for the 4 years he got to parent in a normal world, and that if Mary had lived, John would’ve been a softball playing dad who raised his kids and had a loving marriage with his wife. (Again, I need to reiterate, I did not watch anything past the early episodes of s9. If there is later canon that negates this, I do not know about it, nor do I want to because I don’t think of anything past 5 as canon) This is all important to me because these things emphasize that John was “NORMAL”. He was a mechanic, from a family of mechanics, whose father didn’t bail on him (a man in the episode where Dean is transported back in time to Lawrence tells John to ‘say hi to your old man for me’ or something to that effect). He was just a midwestern dude. Giving John Winchester a fantastical background through this Men of Letters bullshit made me SO MAD. First of all, I hate when later canon negates previous canon. I cannon TELL you how much I hate it. And the later seasons of Supernatural are riddled with stuff that doesn’t make any damn sense in the context of original, Kripke written canon, which is exactly why I stopped watching. That’s not ~Evolution of the show.~ That’s conveniently forgetting stuff that made your show and its premise so successful to begin with in order to keep filming episodes so you can keep making money. It’s the sacrifice of art for capitalism and yes I know this is a stupid TV show but as a writer myself it PISSES ME OFF.

/rant

ALSO, the idea that this toxically masculine family was set on this path by Heaven, and inherited this curse that put them on this path from their mother was such a good plot twist in its heyday. We spent four seasons thinking of Mary Winchester as a victim of circumstance, whose fate could not have been avoided because she was the mother to Sam, who is effectively cursed. And then, we learn that its BECAUSE of Mary that this ball even got rolling in the first place. IDK if you were around for that time in the fandom but at least in my circle, this was a big fucking deal. There had been so much (rightful) discourse about John before this, and what kind of parent he was, that Mary became almost deified in the same way Dean deifies her. And then we find out that this whole story gets set in motion by a decision she made because this was the life she found herself in. This was great. It was interesting. And even though the MOL doesn’t negate any of this, it does give John this weirdly fantastical that isn’t necessary. Let this guy be just some Joe Schmoe who fell in love with a kick ass hunter and had no idea any of this even existed. Let Mary and her want to be ‘normal’ be a complicated moral choice that fundamentally altered the paths of her husband and sons. It’s good tv!

Also, I fucking hate the bunker. The best episodes are Dean and Sam having moments in the car, or while in motel rooms on their cases, or whatever. I don’t mind them having a home base. I’m fine with that. But if a building could ever be a Mary Sue character, the bunker is it. I hate all of the MOL storyline, starting with this place.

I may not even tag this as Supernatural, I don’t need angry later season stans in my inbox.

15. Unpopular opinion about the manga/show?

There’s nothing good about anything that happened after season 6. It’s all a bunch of retconning bullshit. Season 6 had its moments where it was interesting, so I cut it a little bit of slack, but as far as I’m concerned, the show ended in season 5. I’m not sure that’s necessarily unpopular, but it does feel that way on tumblr, so. 

16. If you could change anything in the show, what would you change?

Aside from ending it in season 5?

Oooh, I’m about to blaspheme again. I am definitely not tagging this as Supernatural.

I would never have introduced Castiel, and I would’ve given that entire storyline to Anna. Or, alternatively, I would’ve flipped their story lines.

Look, for whatever it’s worth... I agree with the idea that Dean Winchester is a repressed bisexual. His Dr. Sexy love, the entire storyline with Benny in season 8, etc. I just don’t think he feels romantically about Castiel. And like, that’s okay! Just because you’re not into someone who is into you doesn’t mean you owe them a relationship or anything, no matter what the fandom thinks.

But I also think Dean has a big problem when it comes to women. Again, obviously later on in the series, Dean shifts and Charlie happens and Claire Novak and I know all of these things from gifs okay, context is not applicable here because I have none. But early on, Dean struggles A LOT with thinking of women as A) capable and B) trustworthy. He exists in a perpetual state of identifying women along the Madonna/Whore binary. Even Jo, however you feel about her, and to be clear, I loved Jo, but he doesn’t stop thinking of her really as a kid until they’re about to shoot the devil. Up until then, he’s genuinely surprised Ellen lets her out of the damn house.

Giving him a strong, capable woman who rebels against Heaven for HIM would have fundamentally altered Dean’s perceptions of women much earlier on than we get and would have forced him to examine some of that misogyny head on.

Dean has no problems trusting men. This is why the entire Gordon fiasco happens, right? It was less work for him to trust Castiel because Castiel is the inverse of Ruby. Angel to her Demon. Angels and demons don’t really have genders, but for the sake of presentation of vessels, man to her woman. Not even getting me started on the problematic parts of having significant demons mostly symbolized by women (Meg, Ruby, Lilith) and having significant angels mostly represented by Men (Castiel, Michael, Lucifer, Zachariah, Gabriel, Raphael), and how that ties into the idea of Original Sin and yada yada, but just like it’s interesting to have Mary and her decisions be the catalyst for the story, it’s interesting to have this badass warrior angel in Anna who marches down to Hell to yank Dean out, and through her interactions with him, decide to rebel against the ultimate patriarchy, while Dean gets an equally strong female counterpart to Sam’s Ruby, a woman for all intents and purposes that he respects as a soldier and an ally and not just a potential piece of ass.

Also, Castiel fans being literally unbearable is why I left the fandom. Nothing against Misha or anything, and not even anything against Cas as a character (who I very much enjoyed in seasons 4 and 5), but his fans have always been the worst and they try to insert him into everything.

19. What is the one thing you hate most about your fandom?

Castiel/Destiel fans, which even though I also hated the direction the show was going, drove me out of the fandom. Not like, personally or directly, but just the sheer mental hoops they had to jump through in order to make their ship work and I just got tired of seeing all of the contrived meta on my dash. Oh, and the rampant misogyny that came out of those early Castiel fans. I didn’t appreciate it from the Wincest corner, and I definitely didn’t appreciate it from the fans of the new guy. Gross.

22. Popular character you hate?

Oof. I don’t know. I don’t really hate Castiel, because again, I liked him a lot in seasons 4 and 5. Even 6 was interesting, even if I don’t regard it as my own personal show canon. I don’t think there was a popular character in those first five seasons I ever really hated. I didn’t fundamentally hate a character at all until the MOL stuff came around. Um. Yeah, I don’t really have an answer for this.

23. Unpopular character you love?

Pretty much every female character ever. Jo, Ellen, Ruby, Meg... although Meg became more popular as the series went on, Anna. Um. OH, BELA. Bela ESPECIALLY, I recently rewatched season 3 and I cannot emphasize how MUCH I love Bela. She was the best purely human foil ever. Bela is hands down the character I love most that the fandom had frothing at the mouth hatred for. It doesn’t help that I legitimately think Lauren Cohan is one of the most beautiful women on the planet. But seriously, Bela. Hands down.

24. Would you recommend XXX to a friend? Why or why not? 

I have! Many of times, and ALWAYS WITH THE CAVEAT to stop at the end of season 5. Not a single one of them has listened to me and almost all of them came to me at the end of the finale and were like WHY DID I WASTE SO MUCH TIME, and I don’t want to say I told them so, but like, I explicitly in neon colored text once told them so, so like, idk what to tell them. But yes! I think if someone is interested in some classic mystery television that has an overarching theme of family and forgiveness and striking out against the boxes that life tries to put us all into, SPN is a great show. But only the first 5 seasons. Also, be prepared for some thematically problematic parts of the show because there’s a lot of cishet toxic masculinity in those early seasons, and we should examine our media critically. There’s also a lot of good though too, and IMO, the good outweighs the bad.

25. How would you end XXX/Would you change the ending of XXX?

I would’ve ended it at season 5. I would’ve had Sam escape the pit and seen him standing under the street lamp, but then I would’ve had him walking away to leave Dean with Lisa (btw, side note, I DIDN’T like Lisa because I don’t think Dean would ever be truly happy with someone completely outside the life). Not because Sam doesn’t love his brother, but because he *does* love his brother, and because he would want Dean to be happy, even though Dean and Sam’s ideas of what makes the other happy have always been a little bit screwed up.. but that’s a different story.

27. Least shippable character?

Probably Zachariah. God, could you imagine? And... maybe Alastair, but I’m sure there are fics out there that I do not want to think about.

[verobatto]

Free Will Is Not An Illusion

Visual Narrative Meta. Destiel Meta. TFW meta. Castiel meta. Chuck meta. Supernatural 15x08 meta.

Hello My dears! Here we are now with the third meta about Visual Narrative... I can talk about a couple of interesting things here, and it will be a mix of everything, as you could read in my title.

If you want to check my other metas You hace the links here and here.

Thanks to my friend @agusvedder who made the gifs and took the screenshots! Love ya girl! 😘💕

Yellow and Red. Because Chuck wants just Sam and Toxic Dean in his ending

Chuck was surrounded by yellow color and red all over it...

The drink he was drinking...

Yellow and red, and as I pointed in my meta, those are Sam and Toxic Dean, and that blue umbrella he threw away so disgusted is Castiel. Again the theory about Chuck not wanting Castiel because the rebellious angel can't be written.

Another fabulous frame was this...

Yellow and red again, is what Chuck wants, a toxic dangerous violent Dean killing his brother, a dramatic ending.

And it's very clever to talk about God's weak point: his Achilles' heel, and then we had this... Chuck threatening the guys with their weak points... Jody, Donna... Eileen (looking at Sam, of course), Chuck is aware of Eileen...

@espejonight28738 wrote about what if Chuck wrote Sam bringing Eileen back to life just to control him? Well, my friend... I think you have the answer here. I'm sure he did that now. Chuck will control what he can write. And he will avoid FREE WILL, the gift humanity thinks God gave them, but in reality, it was just a crack on our chasis.

As I pointed in my meta, our Michael had said in season 5 FREE WILL IS AN ILLUSION, and now, is the biggest weapon we will have against Chuck, because it isn't an illusion, it is real, and very powerful.

The Triumph of the Two Hearts

When we were with Chuck in that casino bar, one of the frames was this...

Do you see that card alone right there? Is the TWO HEARTS. And it means a success for romance, for two persons in love, for marriage. It could be related to Saileen, and maybe, to Destiel, now that we know they will be fixing my his things... And will begin in Purgatory.

But also a song was playing..

If you read the lyrics, and thanks to Agus for the song lyrics... Is very Saileen and Destiel.

Someone that thinks he wasn't built for love finds finally a person to be with. A person who doesn't want to change him, and who loves him for what he is.

Take me for what I am, is a very romantic song, and it matches in contrast with Chuck's plans.

Saileen keeps showing Destiel vibes

As I said before, Saileen looks like a guide, and Destiel needs to follow each step they're making now. Till the holding hands to the... Oops...

We said in the last meta, helped by my friend @bre95611 , Eileen was dressed with Dean's colors. And this episode was more evident...

When the spell to enter to Hell was in progress, Eileen was dressed in green and pink again. If you recall my color coded craziness, this represents Happiness and Dean, Wich is the mortal combination for Castiel.

Chuck plays slots and tenis, while Castiel plays chess

Let's come back to the first gif, Chuck is playing slots, a game that depends on luck, and he even yelled THE WINNER! Calling to himself that...

After this when he was using Donnie as a mic, he named another game...

He said that he played throwing the Winchester a ball, differents situations, and watch how they will answer to that. Again, is a game that depends on strength and reflexes, you don't have to think much, and mostly you need to react to the ball to hit it correctly.

Now... What is Castiel playing?

The camera made twice this kind of focusing. The chess and Castiel while he was contacting Michael by prayer.

This game requires intelligence and strategy. It takes time, to think meticulously your movements and try to predict your enemy's. So, I'm guessing this is what Chuck fears the most... The unwritten and unpredictable movement of TFW, but mostly, Castiel.

The Spell to lock God

I will talk briefly about the spell mentioned by Michael here... The ingredients are very, very meaningful, and is it caught my attention why it is related to Purgatory.

Myrrah is a perfume used on dead bodies, to embalm them, it was a gift given by Baltahzar to Jesus when he was born, predicting his sacrifice, and it was used too by Rowena spell in episode 15x03 to lock down the souls in Hell. So it talks about sacrifice, but it also has abortion properties. And is so, so significant because is what they want to do with Chuck.

Kassia is a flower with purge properties!!! Like!! Do I need to explain more here?

Rockrose is a flower, yes, but not just any flower...

Is a pink one... Okay I'll stop. Okay no, pink is happiness, my friends... Happiness related to Purgatory? Yes!!!!! Because there is where Dean realized... (Putting the mic for the people in the back) HE WAS IN LOVE WITH CASTIEL!

Okay, no I will stop...

But seriously, recalling again my friend's spec @weirddorkylittlediana , from peace of mind and how they locked the psychic into his own mind, living a fake happiness.

The last ingredient was the Leviathan Blossom that was the big excuse to send Cas and Dean together back to Purgatory.

To Conclude:

Visual Narrative was perfect thanks to Richard Speight Jr! With the frames and the colors and the lights.

We had a lot related to Destiel and Saileen, and how Chuck is playing bad his game while Castiel plays chess strategy.

I hope you enjoyed this meta!! See you soon!

Tagging @metafest @gneisscastiel @emblue-sparks @magnificent-winged-beast @agusvedder @weirddorkylittlediana @michyribeiro @whyjm @legendary-destiel @a-bit-of-influence @thatwitchydestielfan @misha-moose-dean-burger-lover @lykanyouko @evvvissticante @savannadarkbaby @trickster-archangel @dea-stiel @mybonsai1976 @anarchiana @angelwithashotgunandtrenchcoat @trashblackrainbow @destielshipper221b @mishtho @dancingtuesdaymorning @feathered-castiel @bre95611 @zoerayne2426 @justmeand-myinsight @that-one-fandom-chick @proccastinate @studio-hatter @pepevons @liwopanyaasss @poorreputation @mrsaquaman187 @staycejo1

Buenos Aires December 13rd 2019 5:08 PM

[lifblogs]

It’s Time We Had the Talk

ACT ONE Fandom: Supernatural Rating: Explicit Characters: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Castiel Pairing: Destiel Summary: While Dean is dealing with the Mark of Cain, and Sam with his own trauma, they are drawn to a hunt in Elkins, West Virginia, where they join up with Castiel in solving the deaths of two partially eaten college students. DLSV TEASER A/N: Sorry I haven’t been able to post in a bit. I wanted to post an act a day, but I was in the ER. Let me know if you’re interested in getting the next act today. (I swear this is in the right format on the site I used, tumblr’s just an idiot and doesn’t like to format tricky stuff, ao3 is the same, ugh...)

ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. MEN OF LETTERS BUNKER/LIBRARY - DAY

SAM sits at one of the tables, aged books and laptop open in front of him, coffee mug in one hand. He's dressed in the usual boots, jeans, and flannel, the shirt buttoned closed.

He sips at his coffee, flipping through one of the aged books.  The title of a book next to it reads A Dissertation of Lycans and Their Role In Creating the Werewolf.

DEAN walks in, boots CLUMPING, and nods at Sam, going over to him. He sits on the table. Dean is dressed in similar clothes to Sam, his flannel open over a black under-shirt. On the inner part of his right forearm is the Mark of Cain. Dean presses down on it unconsciously.

Sam nods back. Wipes at his eyes. He's tired.

SAM Hey.

Dean points at the coffee.

DEAN Got any of that left?

Sam remains silent. Dean just stares. Sam looks at his coffee, then Dean. He gives him a “sorry” wince.

DEAN Great. You also find us a case while you were guzzling the Sunshine Drug Juice?

Sam frowns in confusion. Then his lips twitch. He pulls the laptop forward.

SAM Wasn’t easy, seeing as you were no help.

DEAN I was sleeping!

SAM You were blackout drunk.

DEAN Fake news.

SAM Can‘t fake the truth.

Dean gets off the table, and STOMPS over, GROWLING under his breath. ON the Mark of Cain. Beat.

FOCUS back to Sam and Dean.

DEAN All right, what’d you find?

SAM So these two college kids over in West Virginia go missing, right? So get this, they turn up dead a few days later. Organs missing.

DEAN What organs?

Sam shrugs. Turns his laptop around. Dean leans in to read..

INSERT - SAM'S LAPTOP

"DOUBLE HOMICIDE TAKES TWO MORE FROM ELKINS" is in large print on the screen, under two pictures. One of a girl, smiling, dirty-blonde hair hanging loose. Next to that picture is one of a boy, dark hair, dark eyes

BACK TO SCENE

Dean mouths as he reads. Studies article.

DEAN (reading) "The once quiet town of Elkins, West Virginia..."  (no longer reading) Blah-dee blah-dee, blah...  (reading) "...two students from Elkins College missing for a week... Cause of deaths have not yet been released... Organs missing from bodies... Police say string of kidnappings and murders in the area will most likely continue.”

Dean sits back on the table, and crosses his arms. He shrugs.

DEAN Okay, yeah. So? Don’t people get organs harvested every once in awhile? So what, two kids get killed. Tragic. Now actually find something weird.

SAM It is weird.

DEAN No, I mean, like, freaky. Messed up. Five Nights At Freddy's kind of thing. Or uh, let me guess -- you're looking up shit on the Mark again.

SAM Thought you told me to drop that.

DEAN And did you?

Sam says nothing. Dean just gives him a head tilt. Case and point.

DEAN That's what I thought.

SAM You think I'm just going to let you give up?

DEAN It ain't giving up. It's accepting what is. You think I want this thing on my arm? You think I don't wish every damn day that it was off? I do, Sammy. I do. But there ain't a way to do that.

SAM So you're just going to lie down and accept that?

DEAN (yelling) What else am I supposed to do?  (calmer) Now go make me some coffee.

SAM What?

DEAN You drank the rest.

SAM But--

DEAN Coffee.

Sam shoots Dean an exasperated look. Beat. Turns back to Dean. He's worried. Dean just settles into the chair across from Sam's now vacated one and pulls the laptop towards him.

Dean tries to get into the research, but then he HISSES, rubbing his thumb against the Mark of Cain. Stares.

Blood POUNDS.

SAM (O.S.) (b.g.) Don't go through my emails!

BUH-BUMP. BUH-BUMP.

SERIES OF SHOTS - IN DEAN’S HEAD

A) Dean STABS up into Abaddon, killing her. She sparks out in orange light, SCREAMING

B) Dean, bloody, kneeling on floor, holding the First Blade

C) Dean is facing us. Again, he kneels, covered in blood. Dead bodies lie around him. Knife DRIPS blood onto the floor

D) Dean's holding Cain's forearm, Cain holding Dean's. Red power pulses between them, through their veins. The Mark of Cain burns onto Dean's arm

H) Mark of Cain flares red and burns as First Blade is forcibly PUT into Dean's hand

I) Dean SHOUTING as he STABS into Cain with the First Blade, killing him

INT. LIBRARY - DAY

Flashes of SCREAMS of the people he's killed, and the killing being imagined.

SAM (V.O.) (terrified, pained) Dean!

Dean INHALES. Hard. ON Dean. Beat. He blinks, shocked.

SAM Hey. Dean.

DEAN Hmm?

SAM Been trying to give you your coffee for a solid minute now. You good?

Dean takes the coffee. He has a sip.

DEAN I'm fine.

Sam frowns.

DEAN So, the case?

SAM I thought you didn't want to do it.

DEAN Nah, let's do this, man. I mean, two dead bodies, missing organs. Maybe it is in our wheelhouse. And if not, at least we got out. (yelling at bunker) I'm sick of being stuck in here!

SAM I'll go get my stuff.

FADE TO:

INT. “1967 CHEVY IMPALA” - DAY - TRAVELING

Sam, now clothed in a canvas jacket over his shirt, shuffles through papers, occasionally glancing at the tablet he's forced onto his lap. There he has all the information and research he's dug up. It's sorted as best it can be, but a car isn't the ideal place. Sam seems comfortable with this. Dean drives, also wearing a canvas jacket, eyes firmly on the road for once, ignoring the world.

SAM So the two kids were... (reading) "Margot Ballin, and Hunter Reese...” (no longer reading) And it says the girl... (reading) "... had significant damage done to her body." (no longer reading) Apparently, not all the damage was from the uh...

Sam makes a KCCH sound.

DEAN It give any details besides that? Missing hearts or anything?

SAM Nope.

DEAN So we don’t know what we‘re looking at.

SAM There are similar injuries on all the deceased in this case. So maybe a demon?

DEAN Any dead cattle?

SAM (beat) Ghost?

DEAN Could be.

SAM Dean, I know you're throwing yourself into this to--

DEAN We're not talking about it.

Sam SIGHS, and then Dean turns on the stereo. "Hell's Bells" by AC/DC BLARES from the speakers.

I'M A ROLLING THUNDER, POURING RAIN/I’M COMING ON LIKE A HURRICANE

Sam shoots Dean a dry "fuck you."

MY LIGHTNING'S FLASHING ACROSS THE SKY

IMPALA

car drives down the road, through flat plains

Engine ROARS

YOU'RE ONLY YOUNG, BUT YOU'RE GONNA DIE

FADE TO:

EXT./INT. ABANDONED SHOP - DAY - TRACKING

to follow CASTIEL as he makes his way under the caution tape along the front door, and into the building bustling with police activity.

Two men, SHERIFF PALICKI, and DEPUTY BROWN, are inspecting the scene in the attic. Evidence markers are placed around the room, particularly the blood stains. A closer look shows a small bit of flesh on the floor.

SHERIFF PALICKI Okay, looks like we'll need forensics up here. Deputy?

DEPUTY BROWN On it, sir.

The two men notice Castiel. They see his suit, and overcoat. FBI. Beat.

SHERIFF PALICKI Can I help you?

Castiel takes an upside-down badge out of his pocket, and holds it up to show it to Sheriff Palicki, and Deputy Brown.

SHERIFF PALICKI Feds got here quick.

CASTIEL We always keep an eye on these sorts of things.

Sheriff Palicki shrugs, and shoots a look at Deputy Brown.

SHERIFF PALICKI What are you still doing here? Get forensics. Tell 'em they missed a spot.

Deputy Brown nods, weaves around Castiel, and heads down through the trap door.

CASTIEL (unsure) Can you... break it down for me, Sheriff...?

SHERIFF PALICKI Palicki. Well, a couple months back this would've been pretty weird, but now, finding two kids from the local college looking like Hannibal or Frankenstein got to them -- it's the new normal. Both had throats slashed, bodies mutilated, and of course, uh... missing parts.

CASTIEL What parts?

SHERIFF PALICKI Not a hundred-percent sure yet. Too much blood to figure out on-site. Report has yet to come back from the M-E. But I don't know who'd do this to these two kids. They’ve been I-D’ed. Margot Ballin, and Hunter Reese.

CASTIEL And did they have any enemies, Sheriff?

SHERIFF PALICKI None that I’m aware of. You could ask around up at the college; I got a contact over there.

Beat. Acknowledgement.

CASTIEL And did you notice any strange smells, cold spots, maybe something that shouldn't have been here?

SHERIFF PALICKI If you ask me, Agent, two bodies that aren’t all there is weird enough. Ain't gonna go borrowing trouble.

CASTIEL Of course. Thank you for your time.

He fishes around in his pocket for a card, and hands it to Sheriff Palicki.

CASTIEL Call me with the name as soon as you can.

Sheriff Palicki takes the card.

FADE TO:

EXT. ABANDONED SHOP - DAY

Impala drives up, engines GUNNING before going quiet. CREAK as Sam and Dean open their doors and get out. SLAM. SLAM. They're both dressed as FBI agents.

As they wave and nod in recognition at police officers, Castiel comes out through the doorway. Sam hasn't noticed him yet. Dean WHACKS him to get his attention.

Beat. Dean nods at his friend. Castiel makes his way over.

DEAN (smiling) What the hell are you doing here?

CASTIEL I felt a strange energy signature coming from this place.

DEAN Angelic?

Castiel shakes his head.

SAM Look, Cass, you find out anything in there?

CASTIEL Not much. The sheriff didn't have a lot of information. But he'll get me in contact with someone at the college.

SAM All right. While we wait for that, let's go check out the bodies.

Dean wraps an arm about Castiel's shoulders, and they walk to the Impala together behind Sam.

DEAN You good, Cass? How you doin'?

CASTIEL How are you doing?

DEAN You know me, just peachy-keen.

Castiel stares at Dean. Beat. Dean OPENS the door to the driver's side. Gets in.

FADE TO:

INT. ELKINS COLLEGE/CAMPUS - DAY

A girl with a backpack, and dark hair up in a ponytail, EMILY, 18, is leaving a dorm building. Waving at her friend, BRIE, also 18.

BRIE You sure you can handle all that studying on your own?

EMILY I'm good. Not like Rickrode's class is hard or anything.

BRIE That's 'cause you're screwing him.

Emily holds up a middle finger, and turns, leaving. ON her as she walks through the campus.

SCUFFLING sounds from behind one of the buildings. Emily pauses, and goes to investigate.

EMILY Hello?

SCUFFLING grows louder. SWISH of clothing.

EMILY Hello!

Shadows seem to darken. Someone is there. We roughly see the dark shape of a woman. Emily freezes, now seeming to know that she's in danger.

Before she can react, the thing jumps out at her from the shadows.

ON lane beside building.

Emily SCREAMS. Backpack THUMPS to the ground.

She's gone.

FADE TO:

INT. BASEMENT - DAY

Emily starts to open her eyes.

EMILY'S P.O.V. - BASEMENT

dark, dusty basement filled with cobwebs is seen, a metal door on the other side of the room; light filtering in through an opening in cement that's been barred up

BACK TO SCENE

Chains RATTLING. Emily is hanging, arms bound together and shackled above her head. Her feet touch the floor, but just barely.

Heavy BREATHING.

Her lips tremble, and she's sweating. Her hair is askew from the kidnapping.

EMILY (unconvinced) I don't know what kind of prank this is, but it's not funny! (beat) Okay, ha-ha-ha! You can let me go now!

EMILY'S P.O.V. - WOMAN

the Woman emerges from the shadows, the same Woman who killed Margot and Hunter. Her red hair is done up intricately, her dress long, but lacy and revealing

BACK TO SCENE

WOMAN Now why would I want to do that?

Emily cannot respond, too terrified. A knife glints in the Woman's hand. Emily starts to struggle. She CRIES out, chains CLINK. Still the Woman approaches.

EMILY What--What do you want?

The Woman doesn't answer, just starts pressing down on Emily‘s left triceps, as if feeling for something.

EMILY No, no.

She raises the knife. It CUTS deep into Emily's arm, blood flowing before DRIPPING onto the floor. Emily SOBS, SCREAMS. The Woman keeps CUTTING. She INSERTS her hand into the wound, fingers prying.

ON Emily. Tear-filled, sweaty face contorted with pain and horror.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE