#what's in your water out in the cotswolds man | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

phoebe-delia · 3 years

Note

Phoebes did you notice that most of the song prompts are odd numbers? I just think it's kind of neat! But for some lovely chaos in the stats, let us please have song no. 10? Also your doing this is a wonderful gift to the world and I adore you so so so so much

@rockingrobin69, Robin, my darling, hello. First of all, I'd noticed that the first ten or so were mostly odd numbers, but after you pointed it out, I realized how many odd-numbered ones I'd done! How funny. Also, before I get to tell you what song you've selected, I want to say that you and your writing are the true gifts and the feeling is very much mutual, my love. I cannot thank you enough for your constant love, support, and friendship. I absolutely adore you. <3

Another funny thing, Robin, is that you've managed to now select two out of my top three all-time favorite songs by Taylor Swift. (song prompt 3 was, ironically, my 3rd favorite TS song: "it's time to go.") But here, you've requested song 10, which is my number 1 favorite Taylor song of all time: "All Too Well."

The trouble is, I've already written one fic to this before. But no matter! I will persevere. This is technically a sequel to the original fic, but you don't have to have read it to understand this one! It is highly likely when the 10-minute version of All Too Well comes out that I will write a fic to that, but since it's not out yet, here's this. CW: post-breakup, potion/substance addiction, bad coping mechanisms, potions overdose; but there's a hopeful/happy ending!

Paralytici Memorias means "paralyzed memories" in Latin, if Google Translate is to be believed. And finally, an enormous, gigantic thank you to my big sis @avenueofesc for making this coherent and much better.

It wasn't a substitute by any means. It would never replace what it was made to mimic. In some ways, it was hopelessly inadequate.

But it was all he had: just the potion and his memories. If Draco's mind insisted on torturing him by reliving the best moments of his life in sepia-toned images, at least this way he could delay the crushing reality a little while longer.

Paralytici Memorias was his greatest triumph and biggest mistake. At first, he blamed it on completing his due diligence; every good potioneer should know and test the effects of their potion.

But then one test turned into two. Before he knew it, Draco spent the better part of his days coming in and out of deep periods of sleep, reaching for the vial every time his eyes opened to the sight of his empty flat, his engagement band on the coffee table next to him.

He wondered what Astoria would say if she could see him now. If their current level of communication as soon-to-be-weds was any indication, their marriage contract was more of a business venture than a romantic one.

After all, as long as he had a pulse, sperm for insemination, and a sound enough mind to sign over half his vaults, he'd have done his duty as her future husband as far as she was concerned.

"You'll forget about me, I promise."

His own words—written on the parchment he'd sent off with his owl before he could stop himself—were burned into his memory. He still remembered the searing pain in his chest as he promised the love of his life that what they'd had could be forgotten. In breaking Harry's heart, and in shattering his own, his only consolation was knowing that Harry would be happy eventually; that Harry would move on and find someone with the freedom to love him the way he deserved, someone who could offer the intangible riches in which Draco had always been impoverished.

As he reached for the vial that afternoon, it was to remind himself of the priceless love he sold for the price of his heart.

The potion’s effect was hazier than a Pensieve, but this way he could see the memories from his own point of view; could relive it in his own skin. Still, his mind couldn't do justice to Harry's eyes, the bright sound of his laughter, the warmth of his skin.

They were in Harry's car, the name of which Draco had never bothered to learn, too terrified and fascinated by the contraption. He yelped when Harry took a hand off the wheel to grab Draco's shaking one in a reassuring squeeze.

"Hands on the wheel, Potter!"

"I've got it under control, love. You watched me put the protection spells on the car myself, and it would be perfectly safe even without them. I promise I won't let anything happen to you," Harry said without an ounce of condescension.

Draco exhaled shakily, "If you say so."

"I do. Now, why don't you tell me a little more about where we're going?"

"Have you forgotten already? Honestly, Potter, your memory is abysmal."

"I haven't forgotten. I just like hearing you talk."

Draco valiantly didn't blush. And while he described the beauty of the Cotswolds, he found himself mesmerized at the red and orange leaved trees that lined the road as they drove out of the city and into the peaceful countryside, with its steady beeping noise.

Wait…that wasn't right. Why was it beeping?

"Potter, there's something wrong with the car."

"Draco?"

He squeezed his eyes shut tight before he opened them, blinking as the unfamiliar room came into focus. He could feel his pulse pounding in his head as his mind raced in a heady mix of confusion and anxiety. What happened? Why wasn't he in his flat?

"You're in St. Mungos."

Draco's head nearly snapped as he turned to look at a pale-faced Harry sitting in the chair next to his bed. Near Harry stood an unfamiliar woman scribbling on a clipboard. She reached over onto a side table and handed Draco a paper cup. The water was cool, a relief for his parched, sandpaper throat.

"Mr. Malfoy, how do you feel?" She asked after he handed the cup back to her.

Draco closed his eyes to stop the room from spinning. "My head is killing me and I'm dizzy, but I'm okay. What happened?"

"Your fiancée found you unconscious in your flat. We completed a blood test and couldn't match the substance to anything we know—"

"I invented it," Draco grumbled. "Where is Astoria? Harry, what are you doing here?"

The healer pressed her lips together. "I'll leave you to gather yourself for a few minutes, but I'll be back soon to ask you more about that potion, and next steps from there, alright?"

Draco nodded. "Thank you, Healer...?"

She smiled. "I'm Healer Rostova. Press that pager if you need something, but otherwise, I'll be back in a little while." With that, she left the room, the door clicking softly behind her.

Draco turned to Harry, who regarded him with wide, worried eyes. "What happened? Why are you here?"

Harry bit his lip. "Astoria found you unconscious on your couch. She brought you here and then she, well...She called me."

"She—what?"

"She called me. She said you were in the hospital, and I didn't really think much beyond Apparating here."

"Why did she call you?"

"She said you were...talking in your sleep."

Draco blushed. "Oh."

"Yeah," Harry let out a humorless, breathy chuckle. "She figured it out, I think. She said to tell you that she's having her parents terminate the contract."

Draco closed his eyes, letting his head thud against the headboard and then instantly regretting it, gritting his teeth against the sharp pain. "Great. I bet Mother's furious."

"She'll come around."

"You don't know that. You don't know her."

"No, I don't, but hopefully she'll want you to do what makes you happy."

Draco clenched his jaw and looked away. "Happiness is easier to manage when it's artificial. I ran away from the only thing that ever brought me close to real happiness. I can't handle it."

"Then let's manage it together."

Draco closed his eyes, kept his head turned.

"Draco, look at me."

Slowly, Draco forced himself to look at Harry, opening his eyes to let the other man see the tears beginning to well.

Harry's expression was as pained, yet kind. "Do you have any idea how agonizing it has been to miss you?"

Draco's chest seized, sharp with regret. "I'm sorry," he whispered. "I thought it was what's best for both of us, I—"

"Shhh," Harry leaned forward, rubbing a soothing hand over Draco's. "We'll make it okay. We'll figure this out together, alright?"

Draco kept his eyes open, let himself enjoy happiness in full color. "Okay. Together."

Send me an ask about Harry Potter, broadway/musicals, The West Wing, and/or Taylor Swift! Or just about life in general :).

Also, I have a playlist of my 99 most listened-to songs of the year so far. Pick a number 1--99 and send me an ask and I'll write you a fic based on it!

#drarry #draco malfoy #harry potter #drarry fic #drarry fanfic #drarry fanfiction #draco and harry #harry and draco #draco x harry #harry x draco #cw: addiction #cw: post breakup #angst with a happy ending #hpdm #drarry squad

50 notes · View notes

teawaffles · 3 years

Text

It Happened One Night: Chapter 1

T/N: Takes place after the Scandal in the British Empire arc (Chapters 17-23 of the manga).

Baker Street was full of people as usual. But in contrast to the hubbub, the entire street was enveloped in a vaguely unnatural, lonely atmosphere.

It looked like it was going to rain. That was what John H Watson thought as he walked down the street, gazing up at the heavily clouded sky.

“We should get back quickly, Sherlock.”

Saying that, he looked at the man beside him — Sherlock Holmes. Sherlock squinted and sniffed the air, as if trying to detect the smell of rain, and agreed with him.

“Right. And I also have some things here I don’t want to get drenched.”

Then Sherlock looked down at the items he was carrying. They each bore a large paper bag, stuffed to the brim with food and other sundry goods.

John furrowed his brows.

“Sherlock, haven’t you bought too many personal items? We’re even more broke than usual, you know,” he reminded.

But Sherlock wasn’t perturbed.

“They might be useless to you, John, but to me these are necessities of life. Please overlook this just once.”

“It’s no use, huh……”

It was better to avoid cigarettes at times like this, but John knew it was pointless to say that — hence instead of going on at length, he just gave a small sigh. Somehow, it felt like the bag in his arms had grown heavier.

As the two men walked on like this, they eventually drew near the flat where they lived. 221B Baker Street. This was the very place from which the great detective Sherlock Holmes, and his assistant, John H Watson, unravelled Britain’s mysteries.

However, they walked past their lodgings, not once slowing down. As they passed by, John glanced toward their flat.

There, remained the scars of appalling destruction. The building itself had retained its original structure, but the flat in which they’d lived had its windows all blown out; from what he could see through them, the walls and ceilings had been scorched to a miserable crisp.

They’d been unexpectedly drawn into the “Scandal of the British Empire” case, in which Sherlock had devised a bold strategy — blowing up their own apartment — in order to save Irene Adler.

They had achieved their goal, but at the cost of losing their home for the time being. As such, Sherlock and John, together with their landlady Miss Hudson, were staying in cheap accommodation a little ways from here until the apartment repairs were complete.

As they headed to their temporary lodgings, John’s shoulders drooped.

“Although all of us had agreed on it, in the end, it’s still tough to see the place you’ve gotten used to living in become like that.”

“Sorry about that. I had no other option back then.”

Sherlock kept his eyes forward as he apologised with sincerity. To that, John smiled gently.

“I don’t really mind — In any case, I’ve been put through many reckless situations like this before……. Oh—”

Right then, a drop of water splashed on his palm. Just as he registered that icy sensation, more raindrops came pouring down.

Sherlock looked at him.

“It arrived earlier than I thought.”

“Yeah, let’s run for it.”

Then, carrying their bags with both arms, the two men half-ran to their hotel.

When they arrived, they shook their heads slightly to rid the water from their hair, then walked past the front desk to their room.

After putting down their bags and opening the door, they found Miss Hudson standing in the doorway.

John tilted his head in confusion.

“Miss Hudson, what brings you here?”

As it would be improper for them to share a room with a lady, the two men chose to rent out a separate room despite the steep cost. Hence, John thought she would be in her own room now — why was she in theirs?

She smiled back awkwardly.

“Mr Mycroft’s here.”

“What?”

Instantly, Sherlock’s face morphed into one of displeasure. Without asking the details, he took up his shopping and walked into the room. Seated on a chair near the wall was his older brother Mycroft, looking out the window.

“……Damn you, Mycroft. Coming all the way to this hotel — what you do want?”

Distinctly uncomfortable dealing with his own elder brother, Sherlock spoke up first, his tone sour. But Mycroft simply turned to look at him, and responded without haste.

“That attitude again as always, Sherly. How about subverting my expectations sometimes and acting like a gentleman for once? Or rather, is it that you’re so frustrated by a case you forgot your manners?”

“Ugh……”

Mycroft looked around the cramped interior as he spoke, and the corners of Sherlock’s mouth twitched as he let out a groan. He didn’t regret blowing up their apartment itself, but hearing Mycroft’s calm, pointed comments forced him to remember his own helplessness back then.

“……Did you come all the way here just to make a fool of me?” he retorted, trying to defend himself. But Mycroft simply shrugged his shoulders in resignation, and got straight to the point.

“If you’re having trouble with accommodation, there’s a country house in the Cotswolds I can introduce you to.”

“……What’s this, all of a sudden?”

Country houses were often built by nobles and wealthy landowners as status symbols on their own land: it was ridiculous to suggest that someone would simply lend theirs out. Sherlock raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

“Isn’t it natural for an older brother to want to help his younger sibling in his time of need? Furthermore, although I’m sure they’d agreed to your plan, it pains me to think how Dr Watson and Miss Hudson have been caught up in it.”

“We don’t need your concern. We’ll do what we want, so just get the hell out of here.” Sherlock made a shooing motion with his hand, in a bid to chase Mycroft out, but was soon admonished by John, who’d entered the room afterward. John then calmly turned to Mycroft, seeming eager to listen.

“Do you mean that, you would be willing to lend us an apartment? Thank you very much for your offer — could you tell us more?”

Mycroft was smiling as he nodded.

“Actually, an acquaintance of mine — a noble — intends to stay in London for a week. They’re looking for someone to look after their mansion in the meantime, hence I thought it would align perfectly with your situation, Doctor.”

John nodded in understanding.

“I see. However, if that’s the case, why not ask their employees to stay behind?”

“From what I’d heard, they felt it would be a good opportunity to give their hardworking employees a vacation as well. Although if you aren’t able to accept, Doctor, they did say they would ask some of them to remain in the house……”

“In other words, if we were to take up the offer, then their employees would be able to take a break. Moreover, the three of us would be in charge of the mansion’s upkeep during our stay.”

“Not exactly,” Mycroft clarified, “They said you won’t have to concern yourselves with the maintenance and such. As long as it stays reasonably tidy, you are free to enjoy yourselves while keeping an eye on the house.”

It was a very generous offer, so generous it invited suspicion of an ulterior motive; however, since it came from Mycroft, perhaps it could be trusted. John wanted very much to accept — he couldn’t say he was entirely pleased with their current arrangement — but he knew his partner didn’t view it that simply.

As expected, Sherlock tutted in disapproval.

“This place suits us just fine: I don’t want to live in some boring mansion in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, I wouldn’t be able to take on clients when I’m away.”

Sherlock himself did harbour some guilt at making the two of them endure their present lifestyle, but following his brother’s opinion was simply anathema to him. As such, he couldn’t help but bite back in reply.

John understood that, but admonished him regardless.

“Sherlock, you shouldn’t talk to your own brother like that. Mr Mycroft was just looking out for us when he made that suggestion.”

“Pay no mind, Doctor. He’s been like this for a long time.”

Mycroft gave them a wide smile. Then, he directed a question to Miss Hudson, who had been keeping an eye on them from behind.

“We’ve heard what my little brother thinks, but how about you, Miss Hudson?”

“Eh? A-Ah~……”

Having suddenly been addressed, she responded in a faltering tone.

“Well, um…… To me, I think, it would certainly be helpful.”

In an effort to consider Sherlock’s feelings on the matter, she ended up replying in a roundabout way — but it was clear that she was in favour as well.

Mycroft turned to John.

“How about you, Doctor?”

For a moment, John was at a loss for words, but when he heard the floorboards creaking underneath his feet, he made up his mind. He looked at Sherlock as he nodded slowly.

“I think, that the country house might be more pleasant, compared to our current circumstances. Moreover, we could always receive clients via post.”

“…………”

Both of them had answered in the affirmative. Now, only Sherlock remained.

Despite the apparent obstacles being cleared, he still had his reservations. But eventually, Sherlock looked at the ceiling in resignation.

“Ah, bollocks. It would just be selfish of me to refuse at this point, now wouldn’t it? Alright. Please let us stay at that country house until the apartment is fixed.”

At that reply, Mycroft smiled in satisfaction, and Sherlock turned away to hide his frustration from those eyes.

The three of them drew up some agreements on their new living arrangements, and with that, until the flat at Baker Street was fixed, they would proceed to stay at a noble’s mansion out in the country.

Footnotes:

[1] The Cotswolds is a large hilly area to the northwest of London, further than Oxford and dotted with villages. (Wikipedia)

T/N: After the angst from the last story, I just remembered how much I love the Baker Street gang 😉

#moriarty the patriot #yuukoku no moriarty #yuumori #english translation #forbidden games

107 notes · View notes

spaceskam · 4 years

Text

A False Truth

day 3 of @whumptober2020 : manhandled

Pairing: Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolo di Genova

Warnings: vague threats, getting jumped (kinda), ends with fluff

ao3

"Get your hands off him."

As much as Joe knew they wouldn't listen, it felt worth it as men grabbed them both. It felt all too familiar, too repetitive, and it was beginning to piss him off. How many governments knew about them, exactly? How many times would they be cornered? Couldn't they even enjoy a trip to a coffee shop without getting attacked on the walk back to the hotel?

They didn't listen and Nicky was shoved into the wall. His face hit the concrete wall and Joe winced in tandem. It didn't matter that it would heal.

"Must you be so harsh?" Joe asked. They pressed Nicky harder into the wall and he stayed silent. He always did and sometimes Joe envied the ability. Most of the time, though, he was happy to be a nuisance. "What is the for? Who do you work for?"

They didn't answer as they kicked Nicky's feel apart and started to pat him down. Joe furrowed his eyebrows. Were they looking for something? When they didn't find what they wanted, they pulled Nicky away and he was scowling. Joe could see the wheels turning in his head as he let his anger fester. Later, he planned to kiss it away.

Now, though, he was shoved into the wall. It didn't bother him as much as it bothered him seeing Nicky treated in such a way. None of it made sense in his mind. Why would anyone look at him and treat him that way? He was the loveliest man to grace the Earth's surface.

They kicked his legs apart and patted him down and again found nothing. There was nothing to find.

"What do you want?" Joe asked. They ignored him.

"Someone else in their little group must have it," one of them said.

"Have what?" Joe demanded.

"Stop acting like you don't know," the guy holding him sneered, "We all know about the rock."

"The amulet," Nicky said. Joe looked at him in confusion, but soon caught on and steeled his face. "The immortality amulet."

"We'll never tell you where it is," Joe said, playing along without missing a beat. Nicky shook his head.

"We couldn't... It's something we can't share," Nicky said a little dramatically. One of the guys shoved him.

"Tell us where it is," he demanded. Joe looked at him and they pretended to have a silent conversation on whether they should or not. Eventually, Nicky sighed.

"Maybe..."

"No," Joe protested, "You can't."

"But if they let us go free," Nicky said, looking at them, "Will you let us go free?"

The men all shared looks as if they were debating. They grumbled something about not needing the subjects if they had whatever was keeping them alive forever. Joe found himself falling in love with him a little more.

"Tell us where it is," one of them demanded.

"Fine," Joe said, "Tell them."

"It's buried on the bank of the lake in Cotswold Water Park, it's south of Cirencester," Nicky answered.

"In England?" the one holding Nicky asked.

"It's the safest place," he said, "Once you've got it, you need to hold it over a candle of the same color. When it heats, dip your fingertips in the wax and hold it over the amulet and request immortality in Latin. It'll activate then."

"If you're lying, we'll hunt you down again," the one holding Joe threatened.

"Why would we lie? It's you who will have to curse next," Joe said as cynically as he could.

"Right," the man said.

They slowly seemed to be letting up at the same time and Joe made eye contact with Nicky. Within a few seconds, they were no longer the ones being pushed and shoved. All four men ended up unconscious and Nicky grabbed his arm, pulling him out of the ally.

They ran until they got back to the hotel, finding themselves laughing as they got into the elevator. It was easy to let the scary part of the situation roll of their backs when it had been easy enough to get out of. As the elevator doors closed, Joe tugged him closer and grazed his fingers over the side of his face that had hit the concrete.

"An amulet buried on the bank of a lake in Cotswold Water Park," Joe said, pride in his tone, "Doesn't that park have over 100 lakes?"

"Guess they'll be digging for a while. I bet they’ll find a rock or two along the way."

Joe laughed, tugging him even closer. "You are brilliant."

Nick leaned in for a kiss that didn't last long enough, holding his face even when he pulled away. Again, it felt like falling in love with him all over again.

"Do you really think I'd let anyone hurt you?" he asked. Joe smiled, shaking his head.

"You're the one who got pushed into the wall," he argued gently. Nicky's thumb traced his ear.

"Maybe."

There was obviously a million words he wanted to say, a million things that just booked under the surface and would be said later when they weren't still giddy from the previous events. Later, when they meant more. Later, when it sounded like nothing to anyone else and sounded like everything to him.

When they got into the room they shared with everyone else, they told them what happened and that they probably should leave before they stirred up more trouble here.

“Maybe we can go somewhere, just us, lay low,” Joe said as they gathered their things. Nicky hummed a little mindlessly, listening for a suggestion of where to. “Malta, maybe?” Nicky grinned and looked over at him with that knowing little smile.

And, truly, how could anyone put their hands on him?

#whumptober2020 #no.3 #manhandle #the old guard #tw threats #tw getting jumped #the old guard fic #joe x nicky #nicolo of genoa #yusuf al kaysani #my fic

44 notes · View notes

abundanceofsoph · 4 years

Text

SkyFire 2: Chapter 10

The End of Summer: August 2016

Word count: 2k

SkyFire 2 MASTERLIST

>Instagram posts

Aurora was sitting in the studio with Harry and his band when her phone vibrated in her pocket. She pulled it out, scrolling through the email before placing it face down on the coffee table in front of her. Harry watched out of the corner of his eye as she kept glancing back at her phone every few minutes, completely distracted from the conversations swirling around her. After about 20 minutes he watched as she picked her phone up again, her brow furrowed as she read something, and she stood up, excusing herself from the room. He waited half an hour before he started to worry and also excused himself from the room. JARVIS informed him she was still on the floor, and he found her sitting in her art studio, a sketchbook open on her lap, her head bowed over it as she worked away.

“Everything ok, love?” Harry asked, sitting down beside her.

Her head snapped up, not having heard him come in. “Yeah,” she smiled. “Sorry just got an idea and had to get it down.”

“What is it?”

“Columbia just sent out an email and announced they want a student to paint a mural for the one year anniversary,” she explained. “Just kind of couldn’t get it out of my head.”

Harry could see the excitement on her face, her eyes alight with passion and creativity. He smiled softly, kissing her temple before he stood up. “I’ll leave you too it then,” he said before heading back to the recording studio.

Aurora continued working on her concept sketches for the next few days before sending them off to the student committee organising the mural.

xXx

While she waited to hear if her design would be selected, she received an unexpected call from the 3 members of Rascal Flatts. She had spoken to them a couple of times in the last year; first apologising for not being able to perform with them in the wake of the shooting and then again when they let her know they were holding off on releasing their next album, deciding that they wanted to tour the last album a bit more first.

“Hi Joe!” she said when she answered the call.

“Hey Aurora,” Joe replied. “You’ve got all three of us on speaker. How have you been honey?”

“Hi everyone,” she chuckled. “I’m really good thanks.”

“Great to hear. So, the reason we’re calling is to let you know that we’re finally releasing the album in October.”

“Ahh, that’s so exciting!”

“It is, yeah. We’re really looking forward to it and we were wondering how you’d feel about the CMAs this year. I know things didn’t pan out right for last year, but we’d really love to get on stage with you, but only if you feel ready.”

“Oh wow,” Rori gasped. “That sounds incredible guys, I’m honoured. I’ve been getting back in the studio over the summer and I actually do feel like I’m ready to jump back in. I’m getting my first prosthesis fitted next week so I should be good to go by November.”

“Fantastic!” Gary said. “We’ll send through all the details when we get closer to the day but you’ll probably have to come out a few days before so we can rehearse.”

“Can do,” she promised. “I’ll keep that whole week clear, just in case.”

“Great, we’ll see you then.”

xXx

Ever since she’d submitted her concept sketches for the Columbia mural, Aurora hadn’t been able to get the idea out of her head, so while she waited for the decision to be made she had a large canvas delivered to the tower and once it arrived she set to work. In her mind she told herself that if she was selected to paint the mural then the canvas would just be a more detailed concept work, but if she wasn’t selected at least her idea would still exist in this smaller format. She’d already blocked in the background and sketched out the figures the previous day, so she was getting started on the school’s mascot at the centre of the piece which was a lion kneeling to place a wreath of roses on the ground in front of it.

“Sorry to interrupt,” Harry said as he stepped into the room, drawing her attention away from the canvas. “Lou’s on the phone and he wants to talk bachelor and bachelorette parties.”

“Hi Lou!” Rori greeted as Harry held out his phone between the two of them.

“Hey Rors,” Louis replied, his voice playing through the speakers. “So, I was just explaining to H that Gemma and I have been putting our heads together and we’ve come up with an idea. I figured neither of you were going to be interested in the traditional alcohol fuelled partying with strippers and given the mixed gender parties, Gem and I thought we could maybe to a combined thing, rent out and place and all go away for the long weekend as a group.”

“I love that idea,” Aurora replied. “What did you guys have in mind?”

“There’s a great 3 bedroom cottage out in the Cotswolds,” Louis said, “and there’s a day spa in the nearest town for you girls.”

“We’re in,” Harry smiled. “You guys thought about when?”

“Well Cheryl’s due early March so Liam’s asked for us to do it before February and between Niall and Ella January is out too. It’s coming up quick but early November works for everyone if it works for you.”

“I’m going to the CMAs on the 3rd, so maybe the 2nd weekend in November?” Aurora offered, looking at Harry questioningly. He nodded that that weekend would work for him and Louis agreed that the cottage they’d found was available.

“Alright, leave it with me and Gem and we’ll take care of everything.”

“Thanks Lou,” Rori replied. “You’re the best Man of Honour.”

“I take my position very seriously,” he laughed. “Anyway, enjoy the rest of your day guys. I’ll talk to you later.”

xXx

“Aurora, Mr Styles is requesting you join him the studio when you are available,” JARVIS announced one afternoon in late August. She packed up her paints, cleaned her brushes and then headed down the hall towards the recording studio, surprised to find the band gone for the day and Harry waiting inside alone.

“Hey babe,” she greeted. “JARVIS said you needed me?”

“Yeah,” Harry replied. He smiled softly but Rori thought that he was acting a little odd. “I wrote a song,” he said hesitantly.

“I’m shocked,” Rori laughed, her giggles dying on her lips once Harry’s nervous expression fully registered in her head. “What’s it about?”

“You,” he replied. “No one’s heard it yet and it needs polishing but if you don’t like it, no one ever hears it.”

“You’re making me nervous H,” Rori said. “You’ve never been scared to show me something before” They stared at each other for a few minutes too long. “Just play it Harry.”

He mumbled his agreement, cueing up the recording on his phone and pressing play. She reached out and took his hand as it played.

Choose your words 'cause there's no antidote

For this curse

Oh, what's it waiting for?

Must this hurt you just before you go?

Oh, tell me something I don't already know

Brooklyn saw me, empty at the news

There's no water inside this swimming pool

Almost over, had enough from you

And I've been praying, I never did before

Understand I'm talking to the walls

I've been praying ever since New York

Oh, tell me something I don't already know

“Harry,” Rori whispered as the recording petered out, her cheeks damp from the silent tears rolling down her face. Harry finally lifted his head, looking at his fiancé for the first time since pressing play. His eyes widened when he saw the tears in her eyes, reaching out to wipe them away with the pads of his thumbs.

“I’m so sorry baby,” he murmured, “I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have written about that. Forget it. I’m gonna scrap it.”

“Don’t you dare,” she told him. “It’s beautiful.”

“You really like it?” he asked.

“I love it Harry. It just hurts to remember what I put you through last year.”

“You didn’t do anything love,” Harry promised. “Just never wanna lose you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she replied softly, leaning forward to kiss him. He quickly deepened the kiss and within a few minutes she had her right hand in his hair as she sat in his lap, her thighs straddling his hips. “I love you so much,” she murmured against his lips.

xXx

In the last days of August, Ben returned to the tower and Aurora finally slipped her new prosthesis onto what remained of her left forearm. After almost an entire year of feeling broken, or incomplete, the feeling of slipping on the prosthetic and watching as the fingers clenched and unfurled was euphoric. Harry was by her side of course, but so were Steve, Tony and Peter, her odd little family she never would have seen coming when she was growing up. They all watched on as silent tears streaked down her face, a huge grin ensuring none of them worried as she cried. She turned her hand over and back again, marvelling at the way the metal moved, much like Bucky’s arm did, almost as if there were real muscles below the surface, shifting so naturally. She hugged Peter first, surprising the teenager.

“Thank you, Pete,” she whispered. “I know how hard you worked on this.”

“You really don’t have to thank me,” Peter replied. “I just wanted to help; you know? Your dad did all the work really.”

“Hush,” she joked. “Just take the damn compliment.”

Peter laughed in response, giving her one last squeeze before letting her go so that she could hug her parents.

Ben and Tony both bent over the hand, the former assessing the fit and Aurora’s comfort, while the later focused on the data readouts on his tablet, watching as she continued to move the prosthetic and test it’s capabilities now that it was on her arm instead of laying on the table.

As Ben was finishing up and saying his goodbyes to everyone, a notification popped up on Aurora’s phone. Harry passed it to her, and she took great joy in reaching for it with her left hand. His matching smile told her that he knew exactly what she was thinking. Her smile dropped when she turned her gaze to the screen, seeing an email from the Student Union. She felt her nervousness as she opened the email and started reading.

Hello Aurora,

First of all, let me begin by thanking you for submitting your concept sketches for the proposed memorial mural for the quad. We were all very excited to see your submission and are excited to have you return to participating in the Columbia community. We would like to congratulate you as the winning submission and invite you to campus to complete the mural. We here at CUSU loved the way you incorporated our guidelines of including Columbia’s mascot while also paying tribute to the first responders and using the candles to honour everyone we lost was a beautiful element of the design. We would like to have the piece completed by the anniversary on September 29th so please feel free to start as soon as you would like in order to achieve this deadline. Please don’t hesitate to contact me if you have any further questions.

Kind Regards,

Caitlyn Walsh

Columbia University Student Union President.

“Oh my god! Harry, I got it. I got accepted to paint the memorial mural.”

“Knew you could do it baby!” He pulled her into a hug, holding her tightly and kissing her cheek.

“Congratulations bug,” Steve added, patting her shoulder. “No one better suited for the job.”

“I’m pretty sure they picked me for the publicity,” Aurora admitted when Harry finally let her go. “I don’t really care though. If my name gets more people talking about gun reform, then I’ll exploit that as much as I can. I really want to get more involved in that side of things and just make sure what happened to us doesn’t happen to anyone else.”

NEXT CHAPTER

OR CONTINUE READING ON AO3

#skyfire #skyfire fic #aurora stark #dad!tony #iron dad #step dad steve rogers #stony #stony fic #boyfriend harry styles #harry styles fanfiction #superfamily #harry styles #tony stark #ptsd #domestic fluff

7 notes · View notes

caminoinakilt · 7 years

Photo

Trial and error

With jobs quit and boat painted ahead of time, we escaped the sweltering heat and incessant dust of the boatyard* to test out our new footwear in the Cotswolds, pooches in tow.

The first day we wound along the Windrush valley then over to the Slaughters and Naunton - about 12km. Having only set off at 4pm, the evening light was idyllic and we got back just before it disappeared completely!

Day 2 ached less than I thought it would, but Nelly was definitely not as enthused as she had been the day before when we reached for her lead... The light drizzle as we set off was a fairly accurate metaphor for the success of this walk. I was too busy feeling smug about how blister free my feet were in comparison to Col’s to notice that we had failed to take a right turn early on and that the village we arrived in was not, in fact, Salperton, and merrily carried on our way until we reached Compton Abdale, at which point the penny dropped. We had found it strange that we were crossing what appeared to be a main road that wasn’t marked on the map.. So some important lessons learnt:

Take a compass. Going in the right direction really helps 🤦🏻‍♀️

Maps don’t lie. If it doesn’t look right, you are probably lost.

Take 2 pairs of shoes. Blisters need a break.

Bring more water than you think you'll need.

Whoever has Jethro on a lead gets a free tow up any hill. Wherever there is water, Nelly will be in it.

Who needs Spain?? England is bloody beautiful.

When in need of an energy boost, Nile Rogers is your man**

* side note: blacking a hull in 35 degree heat brings a whole new meaning to boilersuit...

** Lying on the sofa with Glasto on in the background, I had no intention of being anything but horizontal for the rest of the evening. Then on comes Chic. Like a rocket I spring into action and dance around the house like a maniac for an hour and a half. Never seen a set like it. Pure brilliance.

#gif

3 notes · View notes

brajeshupadhyay · 4 years

Text

First drive of Aston Martin’s £158,000 DBX SUV

Gambling at the poker and baccarat tables has long been a favourite pursuit of suave British superspy James Bond.

But it’s unlikely the stakes were ever as high as those now facing his favourite car company, Aston Martin, as it launches its svelte new DBX sports utility vehicle which I’ve just been driving as one of the first journalists in the world to get behind the wheel.

To say that the legendary British car-maker has bet the house on the new £158,000 DBX – the marques first SUV in its 107 year history – is, if anything, an understatement.

With the weight of Aston Martin’s future on its pillars: Daily Mail Motoring Editor Ray Massey has been among the first people in the UK to get hands-on with the ailing British brand’s first-ever SUV, the DBX. The question is: is it any good?

So much is riding on this sporty 181mph all-wheel-drive vehicle – reputations, jobs, livelihoods, and the very future of Aston Martin itself – that even supercool agent 007 might break into a cold sweat. The firm, with its headquarters in Gaydon, Warwickshire, has invested millions in a brand new factory at a former RAF base at St Athan in Wales to build the new DBX.

But I’m willing to bet that it will be Jane, not James Bond, who will make this stylish 4X4 a winner. And maybe – amid rumours that the forthcoming but delayed 007 movie ‘No Time to Die’ could controversially see the superspy becoming a father – their little baby Bonds too.

For while many of the DBX’s biggest rival 4X4s are real beasts, the DBX is both on the road and In its handling, a real beauty that will appeal as much to women as to men.

And, if my experience is anything to go by, in the wealthier and highly-competitive well-heeled suburbs of Britain, this will become the sexy school-run 4X4 in which would-be Mr and Mrs Bonds will trump the Jones’s in their Range Rovers, Bentleys and Porsches.

I tested the new DBX on UK roads, as well as off-road and around Aston Martin’s dedicated test track at Silverstone. The Covid-compliant launch – complete with social distancing and protective masks – was in place of the planned global launch in Palm Springs, California, which had to be cancelled because of the pandemic.

Which is why the car I drove was in right hand drive – for export to the USA.

Ray Massey was among one of the first journalists in the world to get behind the wheel of the £158,000 SUV to put it through its paces

‘To say that the legendary British car-maker has bet the house on the new £158,000 DBX – the marques first SUV in its 107 year history – is, if anything, an understatement,’ says our man Ray

The world launch of the car was due to take place in the US, but was swiftly cancelled due to the outbreak of coronavirus. That means the first-drive was pushed back to August – and all the cars left-hand drive

I also took it for a spin around the Beckham-style mansions in what I suspect will become its natural territory, the Elmbridge district of Surrey dubbed the ‘Beverley Hills of Britain’ because of the high concentration of celebrities and premiership footballers, which also contains the Chelsea training ground.

And I could sense the curtains twitching as I drove by. Expect similar in the upmarket enclaves of the North West, Midlands, Cotswolds, Edinburgh and Glasgow,

Aston Martin is pitching the new DBX as ‘an SUV with the soul of a sports car’.

But the DBX also messes with your mind, thanks to some clever design. When you look at, visually, it appears to be a smaller SUV than it really is.

From its bold front grille and headlights, it’s clearly an Aston Martin, as anyone seeing it looming in their rear-view mirror will recognise.

DBX messes with your mind, thanks to some clever design. When you look at, visually, it appears to be a smaller SUV than it really is

From its bold front grille and headlights, it’s clearly an Aston Martin, as anyone seeing it looming in their rear-view mirror will recognise

Ray predicts this will become the sexy school-run 4X4 in which would-be Mr and Mrs Bonds will trump the Jones’s in their Range Rovers, Bentleys and Porsches

The rear hatchback too is unmistakeably Aston, with thin shaped rear lights, the trademark jewellery-like wings from Birmingham firm Vaughtons, and, should you need reminding, the words spelled out in capital letters.

Yet this is a big car that fools they eye. From the dimensions on the printed page, it’s pretty much the same size as a Bentley Bentayga and a Porsche Cayenne. But it looks and feels more elegant and less of a bruiser, more of a beauty, less of a beast.

It is the exterior lines – particularly between the wheels – which have been cleverly sculpted to scoop-away ‘mass’ and create a sense of lightness and elegance which make the real difference.

Then, when you sit inside, it doesn’t feel overwhelming. You have a commanding seating position, but the dashboard does not dominate and everything appears human scale. The spacious hand-crafted interior is contemporary and comfortable without being overblown, and incredibly tactile with a satin-soft to the touch leather interior.

But this is no ‘hairdresser’s car’ to use the derogatory term used by some petrol-heads to damn a car perceived as insufficiently ‘manly.’

From the dimensions on the printed page, it’s pretty much the same size as a Bentley Bentayga and a Porsche Cayenne. But it looks and feels more elegant and less of a bruiser, more of a beauty, less of a beast

It is well mannered around town. But when you want or need Bond-like acceleration, it’s there for you in spades as I discovered on the road and – to a much freer degree, on the track

It’s pretty nimble and flexible too with a wading depth of 500mm, a kerb-to-kerb turning circle: of 12.4m and 190mm ground clearance which can rise by 45mm to 235mm, or drop by 50 to 140mm

Yes, driving is a delight. It is well mannered around town. But when you want or need Bond-like acceleration, it’s there for you in spades as I discovered on the road and – to a much freer degree, on the track.

The DBX is propelled by a more powerful version of 4.0-litre twin-turbo V8 petrol engine already used in the DB11 and V8 Vantage sports cars.

Linked to a 9-speed automatic and developing 550 horsepower, it accelerates with gusto from rest to 0-62mph in just 4.5 seconds up to a top speed of 181mph, where permitted (such as de-restricted German Autobahns). That makes it the highest performing V8 engine in the current Aston Martin range.

There are six driving modes – four including GT, Sport and Sport+ for on-road driving, and two for driving off-road. A specially tuned active exhaust system means the DBX can sound refined one moment and rather exhilarating the next. Personally, if you’ve got it, flaunt it.

The DBX is propelled by a more powerful version of 4.0-litre twin-turbo V8 petrol engine already used in the DB11 and V8 Vantage sports cars

Linked to a 9-speed automatic and developing 550 horsepower, it accelerates with gusto from rest to 0-62mph in just 4.5 seconds up to a top speed of 181mph

That makes it the highest performing V8 engine in the current Aston Martin range – more so than the eight-cylinder powerplants in the Vantage and DB11

It’s pretty nimble and flexible too with a wading depth of 500mm, a kerb-to-kerb turning circle: of 12.4m and 190mm ground clearance which can rise by 45mm to 235mm, or drop by 50 to 140mm.

I took it off-road on a modest but not extreme course of mud, ruts, steep inclines and steep drops.

It will not compete with, say a Land Rover Defender in terms of purist off-roading. But nor is it meant to. And for the amount of times it will be expected to go beyond a bit of grass-and gravel, muddy fields, or a bit of slippery hill-climbing, it is more than adequate. And for those with an active lifestyle it can tow trailers, caravans, or horse-boxes up to 2,700kg.

:On the track I was able to push it hard on Aston’s Silverstone circuit, but not as hard as the firm’s engineering ride and handling guru Matt Becker who I also invited to show me what it can really do as I sat in the passenger seat. Seriously impressive.

Development tests have shown cornering speeds equal to the firm’s Vantage sports car and braking performance that beats the marque’s DBS Superleggera grand tourer. A 48v electric anti-roll system helps maintain stability at speed.

Development tests have shown cornering speeds equal to the firm’s Vantage sports car and braking performance that beats the marque’s DBS Superleggera grand tourer

The five-door five seater all-wheel-drive crossover has been designed from the ground-up with input from women on its ‘Female Advisory Board’ – making it as fitting for Jane as James Bond, and all their children

It will not compete with, say a Land Rover Defender in terms of purist off-roading. But nor is it meant to

The needs and desires of women have been a driving force in the creation of this 4X4. The new DBX has been created from the start with women around the world in mind with details to make it as practical for business or for ‘everyday use’, the school run and shopping outings as cruising down to the Cote D’Azure.

Each button and dial has been carefully positioned following extensive testing and input from Aston’s Female Advisory Board.

Other touches include a separate central armrests, glovebox design, and the ergonomic positioning of the car’s key control systems. Cabin storage has been prioritised with a floating centre console that offers storage space below for larger items such as a handbag or large 1.5-litre water bottles.

The rear hatchback is unmistakeably Aston, with thin shaped rear lights, the trademark jewellery-like wings from Birmingham firm Vaughtons, and, should you need reminding, the words spelled out in capital letters

Inside the hatchback boot there’s plenty of space for a family’s luggage with 632 litres capacity plus up to 62 litres underfloor storage and isofix fittings for customised child-seats

Ray tested the new DBX on UK roads, as well as off-road and around Aston Martin’s dedicated test track at Silverstone

Super-rich potential customers in all shapes and sizes tried out in the seats to ensure maximum all-round comfort, and it shows. Or rather feels.

And in a first for Aston Martin, a group of children were even invited to crawl around a prototype and share their experience getting in and out and sitting inside at the company’s design studio to see what improvements could be made.

As a result there’s practical interior space for flexible modern life-styles – including easy to use buttons and a even handy slot in the centre to securely stow a hand-bag – or anything else you may have to hand – out of sight rather than sitting on the seat in sight of potential smash and grabbers or in the footwell.

Aston Martin said: ‘We do intend to make this car much more female-friendly. Until now our customer base has been predominantly male. Except for China where it is 50:50. We want to broaden that out. We’re not talking about making cars only for women, but rather to make our cars more practical for women and families, as well as men.’

The spacious hand-crafted interior is contemporary and comfortable without being overblown, and incredibly tactile with a satin-soft to the touch leather interior

Each button and dial has been carefully positioned following extensive testing and input from Aston’s Female Advisory Board

Riding on vast 22-inch alloy wheels, this gas-guzzling SUV weighing a hefty 2 and a quarter tonnes (2,245kg) manages a miserly average 19.73mpg with CO2 emissions of 325g/km, though it can deactivate cylinders to improve fuel economy

There’s plenty of headroom and legroom front and rear for passengers, benchmarked against Aston’s lofty design boss Marek Reichman who is 6-foot 4-inches tall.

Rear seats are designed to avoid the ‘stadium’ seating sense of rear occupants leaning over those in the front.

Will it fit in my garage? Aston Martin DBX

Style: luxury sports utility vehicle

Price: £158,000 (including 3 years’ service and warranty)

Built: St Athan, Wales

First deliveries: Now

Seats: 5

Doors: 5

Length: 5,039mm

Width (folded mirrors): 2,050mm

Width: (with mirrors): 2,220mm

Height: 1,680mm

Wheelbase: 3,060mm

Weight: 2,245kg

Engine: 4.0-litre V8 Twin Turbo

Power: 550bhp

Gears: 9-speed automatic (with manual override paddles)

Top speed: 181mph

0-60mph: 4.3 seconds

0-62mph (100km/h): 4.5 seconds

Average fuel economy: 19.73mpg

CO2 emissions: 325g/km (WLTP)

Drive: All-wheel drive

Wheels: 22-inch alloy

Wading depth: 500mm

Fuel tank: 85 litres

Luggage capacity: 632 litres (plus up to 62 litres underfloor storage)

Ground clearance: 190mm

Turning circle: 12.4m (kerb to kerb)

Towing weight: 2,700kg.

Space-saving lessons learnt from sports car production mean class-leading front and rear leg, knee and foot space for rear passengers than is typically found in rival SUVs.

A vast full-length panoramic glass roof lets light flood in with a luxurious Alcantara roller-blind. Expansive side windows add to the feeling of space and of airiness.

Visibility is good and the seating position also delivers a clear view beyond the bonnet. The dashboard accentuates the feeling of space and luxury in DBX. A 10.25 inch electronic screen sits in the centre console with a 12.3-inch dashboard screen giving information to the driver.

Seats are trimmed in sumptuous soft-touch Bridge of Weir leather. The headlining and electric roof blind are available in Alcantara finish, and the contrmporary cabin decorated in ornate and contemporary metal, glass and wood veneers.

Features include a power tail-gate, folding rear seats, sports pedals, 64-colour ambient lighting, keyless energy, sports steering wheel, and a wide selection of optional interior luxury trims.

Inside the hatchback boot there’s plenty of space for a family’s luggage with 632 litres capacity plus up to 62 litres underfloor storage and isofix fittings for customised child-seats.

Safety features include electronic stability, traction and hill-descent control, emergency brake assist, blind-spot warning, lane departure and change warning, autonomous emergency braking with pedestrian detection, traffic sign recognition, and tyre pressure monitoring.

Park assist uses 360 degree camera system and sensors and stow-away reversing camera.

The new Aston Martin DBX comes complete with 11 optional accessory packs for the DBX including: a ‘Pet Pack’ comprising a partition and a bumper protector, as well as a portable dog shower to stop your hound creating muddy puddles in the boot of the hatchback; a snow pack with a portable ski-boot warner and roof-top ski rack; an event pavk for picnic hampers; and a gun cabinet.

My only slight niggle was that the driver’s door on my pre-production car needed a bit of a hefty shove but that will be fettled by the time first customer orders land.

And don’t expect to save the planet. Riding on vast 22-inch alloy wheels, this gas-guzzling SUV weighing a hefty 2 and a quarter tonnes (2,245kg) manages a miserly average 19.73mpg with CO2 emissions of 325g/km, though it can deactivate cylinders to improve fuel economy.

The UK price of £158,000 includes three-years’ servicing. Prices abroad include €193,500 in Germany, ¥ 2,378,000.00 in China, JPY 22,995,000 in Japan and $189,900 in the USA

As well as keeping Aston afloat, the DBX aims to be a big export earner for UK PLC.

The DBX is set to become the company’s biggest seller though in the midst of the corona-virus pandemic the planned 5,000 sales a year by 2021 – with the UK, USA and China among the key markets – may now be ambitious.

The UK price of £158,000 includes three-years’ servicing. Prices abroad include €193,500 in Germany, ¥ 2,378,000.00 in China, JPY 22,995,000 in Japan and $189,900 in the USA

The DBX is set to become the company’s biggest seller though in the midst of the corona-virus pandemic the planned 5,000 sales a year by 2021

Will the DBX help Aston Martin beat the odds, win through and save the day, just like the fictional hero 007? ‘Hopefully yes,’ says Ray Massey

The covers came off the DBX when it was unveiled simultaneously in the Chinese capital Beijing and in Los Angeles in November last year. But the ensuing coronavirus pandemic put paid to the original spring launch and planned global test drive on Palm Springs, California.

Sadly for him, and I suspect many of his team, the man who pioneered the DBX and pushed through its production, former chief executive Dr Andy Palmer, is no longer around to see through the project he began, having been ousted in a boardroom purge.

He paid the price for losses in the first half of 2020 soaring to £227million on sales of 1,770 vehicles at the height of the corona pandemic.

A consortium led by Canadian billionaire Lawrence Stroll, Aston’s new executive chairman, injected £260million of cash to keep the firm afloat and brought in Tobias Moers, former boss of Mercedes-Benz’s performance division AMG, to replace Palmer. As those at the very top know all too well, there is little room for sentiment in the harsh world of automotive business. It is a matter of survival. And the new leadership team are focused taking the tough measures needed to stem losses an focus on returning to profitability. It is likely to be very painful.

Will the DBX help Aston Martin beat the odds, win through and save the day, just like the fictional hero 007? Hopefully yes. Stay tuned for the next thrilling cliff-edge instalment.

Some links in this article may be affiliate links. If you click on them we may earn a small commission. That helps us fund This Is Money, and keep it free to use. We do not write articles to promote products. We do not allow any commercial relationship to affect our editorial independence.

The post First drive of Aston Martin’s £158,000 DBX SUV appeared first on Shri Times News.

via Blogger https://ift.tt/3iqaHZn

#Blogger #000 DBX SUV Market #dailymail #First drive of Aston Martin’s £158 #money #moneycarsfollowm

0 notes

shanroeform · 4 years

Text

Poking Holes: An Alternative Gold Cup Preview

It’s sometimes hard to tell, by the time the Gold Cup rolls around on the Friday of the Cheltenham Festival, who is the most exhausted: the horses struggling up the hill or the racing public running on fumes (and particularly noxious ones at that in the Guinness Village). Podcasts, papers and presenters constantly remind us exactly how gruelling the pinnacle of racing is but fail to congratulate the spectators on making it through three and half emotionally and physically exhausting days to witness the spectacle. It’s certainly safe to assume that the number of fallers in the stands of Prestbury Park and pubs across the country far outweighs those on the course itself.

However, since Ed Chamberlain is unlikely to press Ruby Walsh for his opinion on whether Steve’s dad was wise to have his ninth Guinness of the day at only quarter to two, we’re left to analyse the racing.

This article is part of my Poking Holes series, which looks at the big Cheltenham races from a more critical angle in the hope that this alternative analysis may open up a previously unexplored angle. Previous pieces have focused on the Champion Hurdle and the Champion Chase.

Santini

In a somewhat strange situation, Santini is simultaneously many people’s “shrewd” bet of the week and the favourite for the Gold Cup. As a result of a late surge in popularity, having been relatively friendless all season, we now find ourselves two weeks away from witnessing insightful pundits clutching betslips dated 2019 stand arm in arm with “BOOOOOM” Twitter on the racecourse rail as they urge Nicky Henderson’s horse home.

Santini arrives at the Festival off the back of an unbeaten two-race season, most recently having seen off Bristol De Mai in the Grade Two Cotswold Chase at Cheltenham. Whilst this course form may be taken to be a huge positive, it is not the first time that Santini has performed well at Prestbury Park in January on his second run of the season – during his novice hurdle campaign, Henderson’s horse claimed victory in the Grade Two Ballymore trial before being turned over as an 11/4 favourite in the Albert Bartlett next time out. As Chief Brody proved in Jaws 2, if it looks the same, smells the same and sounds the same, it may well turn out to be the same.

Indeed, Santini’s only other run at the Festival also ended in defeat. This may seem like an overly harsh assessment – his run in last season’s RSA Chase was brilliant (as was the race as a whole) and, if you believe Nicky Henderson, came off the back of the stable wondering whether they’d need to amputate Santini’s leg, so poor was his preparation. However, it is sometimes necessary to conduct a nitpicky analysis in a race like the Gold Cup, and a Festival record of 0/2 is certainly something to flag.

On top of this, Santini’s defeat of Bristol De Mai can itself be looked at warily. The last winner of the Costwold Chase to convert this into Gold Cup success was Looks Like Trouble in 2000, before Santini’s sire, Milan, had even stepped foot onto a racecourse. Of course, trends such as these only take one horse to break – however, for a race which should in theory act as the perfect stepping stone to racing’s blue riband event, such statistics do not justify the revered position which Santini’s victory has been given.

The form of this victory is also not the most convincing. Bristol De Mai is an admirable but not quite top class horse, despite Nigel Twiston-Davies attempting to persuade even PETA otherwise – he threatened supreme class with two consecutive Betfair Chase victories, and even had the handicapper fooled when briefly rated as the best horse in training, but has never won at Cheltenham and clearly reserves his best form for Haydock. Whilst some may point to Bristol De Mai’s third-place finish in last year’s Gold Cup, this form can also be viewed sceptically given that he was beaten home by Annibale Fly, a horse who has finished dead last on all three starts this season.

The final stick to throw at Santini is his inexperience. Henderson’s horse has had just five career chase runs (perhaps explaining why some still perceive him to be an under the radar animal), a statistic which could quickly reveal itself in a race where everything happens quickly (despite its lengthy nature) and where Nico De Boinville will be given no room to allow his steed to settle. Santini had plenty of space in the Cotswold Chase and jumped well for the most part (bar a mistake at the second last) - this will simply not be the case at Cheltenham, and he may find himself like the child who comes to watch his dad’s Sunday league game but gets chucked in at centre back when they find themselves a man short.

To put Santini’s inexperience in to context, Al Boum Photo had seven chase runs before his victory last season. Native River had had so many runs that he was essentially handed the trophy as a reward for maxing out his racecourse loyalty card, whilst Sizing John had raced nine times before his 2017 success. This is not to say that Santini cannot win the race; many will view this limited experience as a positive, suggesting that Henderson has an unexposed horse who remains capable of vast improvement. However, it is certainly something to consider in a race as demanding as the Gold Cup.

Al Boum Photo

Whether you favour Al Boum Photo for the Gold Cup largely depends on how you read the form of last season’s edition. He looked hugely impressive, but, with the aforementioned Annibale Fly and Bristol De Mai behind him, it is valid to throw questions at the form.

This scepticism is furthered by the memory of Kemboy unseating at the first in last year’s Gold Cup, leaving Al Boum Photo free to race clear up the hill unchallenged; after all, the winner’s stablemate promptly turned up at Punchestown and put Al Boum Photo to the sword. Admittedly, the form of the Punchestown Festival can sometimes be skewed, the result of a long and difficult season. Unfortunately, in this case such an excuse is as convincing as Deontay Wilder claiming that his pasting by Tyson Fury was the result of an overly heavy walk-in suit. The defeat by Kemboy was only Al Boum Photo’s third run of the season, and Kemboy had in fact run in between the Gold Cup and his defeat of the Donnellys’ horse.

There is also no way of knowing how Al Boum Photo’s exertions last year have affected him. We have repeatedly seen how previous victors have struggled to return to their peak following Gold Cup success - indeed, Native River’s reappearance last season was the first time the existing champion had even returned to the race since Lord Windermere’s testimonial in 2015, and no horse has retained the title since Best Mate in 2004. All we have seen of Al Boum Photo this season is a comeback victory over the 152 rated Acapella Bourgeois at Tramore, who with all due respect he could have turned over with three legs and jumping backwards. There is nothing to suggest that Boum Photo has been affected by last season’s race; however, given the historic struggles of former victors, and the lack of evidence that the Mullins horse will not be similarly affected, this is worth highlighting.

Delta Work

Delta Work has had a brilliant season so far – he has claimed two thrilling Grade One victories, the Savills Chase and the Irish Gold Cup, finishing ahead of most of the leading Irish staying chasers. This follows an excellent novice chase campaign, in which the Gigginstown horse claimed three Grade Ones and finished third in what looks like one of the strongest RSA Chases in recent years.

However, whilst Delta Work is clearly a fantastic horse, his record on ground which is soft or worse would be cause for concern in a season where Storms Ciara and Dennis have caused racecourses to rebrand as a budget Aqualand. Gordon Elliot’s horse has form of 21211111 where the going is better than soft; turn on the sprinklers, however, and the gelding’s record turns in to 332431341. Whilst Delta Work clearly does not hate soft ground, he is also less than enamoured with it; he may not be the eight-year-old child who spits out his mum’s fish pie, but may well be the more mature 17-year-old who tolerates it out of politeness whilst barely concealing his contempt.

Admittedly, Delta Work took victory in the Pertemps at the Festival on soft ground. However, this was carrying only 10-10, winning by only a nose to a Glenloe who was carrying only 2 pounds less and who has not won since (and indeed has won just once in his entire career). Using this evidence to validate a belief that Delta Work will cope with soft ground in a Gold Cup, then, is akin to believing your best mate’s claim that he can comfortably deal with 17 tequilas because he can drink the equivalent amount of water.

On top of this, whilst last season’s RSA was a fantastic spectacle, it would be perfectly reasonable to hold reservations about Delta Work given that he was beaten by both Santini and the lamentably absent Topofthegame. It could certainly be argued that the Gigginstown horse found his momentum checked by the leading pair – however, enough of the race remained to give him the opportunity to counteract this, and yet Delta Work gave no indication that he would have overturned the result given an extra two furlongs.

Finally, Delta Work will be partnered by a new jockey at Cheltenham. Regular rider Jack Kennedy sustained a broken leg at the Dublin Racing Festival, whilst his other pilot, Davy Russell, will be loathe to abandon Presenting Percy. Mark Walsh will take the ride in the Gold Cup - he is clearly a very talented jockey and will no doubt meet Delta Work before the big day, but the lack of established connection between horse and rider may be enough to put some off.

Lostintranslation

Colin Tizzard’s horse looked one of the most exciting staying chase prospects in years at the beginning of the season. Indeed, the hype around Lostintranslation was so huge that RacingTV put together a highlight reel of all of his jumps on his seasonal reappearance at Carlisle – the media fawning was such that you'd have been forgiven for thinking the horse was in fact about to be retired. Rumour had it that Lostintranslation’s horsebox was completely carbon neutral, fuelled solely by the fervent insistence of the racing public that this was the second coming.

Unfortunately, despite turning up to Kempton for the King George in a vehicle which Greta Thunberg has since tried to borrow, Lostintranslation blew up spectacularly. Whilst he has since had a wind operation and Tizzard insists that he is back to peak form, Lostintranslation is difficult to support after ruining his environmentally friendly reputation. Backing the Flemensfirth gelding requires a lot of faith that the trainer has patched up the machine, with little evidence besides the former dairy farmer’s hollering to suggest this is the case.

Even without Lostintranslation’s Christmas struggles, there would be some cause for concern that he has been off the track for too long ahead of the Gold Cup. His record after a break is not fantastic (his seasonal reappearance form reads 221) and he has always been a horse who improves for racing, like the kid who returns to school after the summer holidays and for a few weeks has forgotten how to hold a pen.

Finally, it may even be questioned whether Lostintranslation wants a trip this far. Tizzard mostly kept him to around two and half miles last season and ran the gelding in the Supreme during his novice hurdle campaign. He had never even raced over three miles until Aintree at the rear end of last year and, whilst he was incredibly impressive in beating Topofthegame there, the Liverpool track is nowhere near as testing as the Gold Cup trip around Prestbury Park. Similarly, whilst beating Bristol De Mai on his stomping ground in the Betfair Chase earlier this year was hugely eye-catching, Haydock is a flat course which is not overly testing when the ground is dry (as was the case this year, when Lostintranslation won on good to soft). Whilst Lostintranslation looks like a stayer, he is yet to demonstrate this convincingly over a track which is somewhat similar to Cheltenham, and this would be worth considering on top of his interrupted preparation.

Clan Des Obeaux

Paul Nicholls’ Clan Des Obeaux has been the brilliant victor of the King George in its previous two renditions, somehow allowed to go off at 11/2 earlier this season despite cruising to victory a year before. However, despite his performances in the Christmas showpiece, questions remain over whether Clan Des Obeaux is capable of repeating such a showing at the Festival.

The Nicholls’ star could credibly be labelled as a flat track bully – he has not demonstrated an appetite for Prestbury Park, with a record of 264225 at Cheltenham, and has struggled on similarly undulating tracks (finishing fifth at Sandown and second at Down Royal). All but one of his victories have come at Newbury, Haydock, Kempton and Ascot, relatively flat tracks, and, whilst he has won at Exeter, this was in a Class Three novice chase. Put a rolling track in front of Clan Des Obeaux and he appears more likely to require a ski lift to get up and a sledge to come down than to prick up his ears and drag Harry Cobden along for the ride.

It is also questionable as to whether Clan Des Obeaux has the stamina for this trip. He travelled nicely for a long way in last year’s edition, sitting in behind Native River and alongside Al Boum Photo before the field rounded the turn, Clan saw the hill and said to Harry Cobden “no thanks”. As much as some pundits will insist that the King George is a thorough test of stamina due to the breakneck speed at which it is run, it simply cannot compare to three and a quarter miles around a hilly Cheltenham. It is therefore fair to question whether a horse who travels as beautifully Clan Des Obeaux has the endurance to see out this gruelling race.

Finally, it is hard to actually assess Clan Des Obeaux’s form this season. Whilst he won the King George by 21 lengths, the impressive nature of this distance is tempered by the fact that second-placed Cyrname was clearly suffering from his Ascot battle with Altior; his subsequent defeat in the Ascot Chase attests to this. Clan Des Obeaux was also beaten by Road to Respect on his seasonal reappearance, who, whilst a lovely horse, has proven that he is not top, top class. Whilst this could be viewed as the Nicholls horse demonstrating that he needed a run (his first time out form is 1424), it remains a point of consideration.

Kemboy

Kemboy looked to have the world at his feet last season. He ran a lovely race at Leopardstown over Christmas before cruising to victory at Aintree and finally delivering Ruby Walsh to a glorious retirement with a Punchestown triumph over Al Boum Photo. Anticipation for Kemboy’s campaign this season was high and it is therefore difficult to comprehend how the Willie Mullins horse is now as big as 9/1 for the Gold Cup.

It may appear harsh to label Kemboy’s 2019-20 campaign as disappointing. He has not finished far off the victor in both of his outings, but has twice been beaten by Delta Work and lost a bit of the sparkle which made Walsh’s final race so special. Add this to the chaos surrounding Kemboy’s Supreme Racing Club ownership and his recent loss of lustre becomes more understandable.

On top of Kemboy’s form this season, concerns remain over whether he is capable of producing his best at Cheltenham. The Mullins horse has made appearances at three festivals: after finishing fifth in a Neptune and fourth in a below par JLT (won by Shattered Love, who is 1/12 since), his appearance in last year’s Gold Cup evoked so many bad memories that Kemboy threw David Mullins off at the first fence rather than experience the ordeal again.

These concerns can be complemented by a critical assessment of Kemboy’s form last year. His Aintree performance was undoubtedly the visual highlight of his season, putting nine lengths between himself and Clan Des Obeaux. However, it should be remembered that Kemboy had decided he deserved a rest before the Grand National Festival when unseating in the Gold Cup and so turned up at Aintree fresh; this was in stark contrast to Clan Des Obeaux, who wheezed over the line at Prestbury Park and arrived in Liverpool looking as though Paul Nicholls had suddenly decided to tighten the pursestrings and order his horses to make their own way to the track. Whilst the same cannot be said for Kemboy’s defeat of Al Boum Photo (as noted above), there are certainly alternative angles from which to assess his form from last year.

Presenting Percy

I have nothing against a bet from the heart – in fact, I’ve had several girls call me out for showing more love towards Cue Card than I ever have for them (and who could blame me - he never complained that I had eyes for other horses or that I struggled to cook a poached egg).

Unfortunately, that’s all a bet for Presenting Percy can be. His preparation for last year’s Gold Cup was as bad as Andy Ruiz Jr’s ahead of his rematch with Anthony Joshua (allegedly) and he performed as lethargically, coming home in eighth despite starting as the (ridiculously short) 10/3 favourite.

God knows what happens at Pat Kelly’s yard (or even where it is), but it seems like Percy has continued to enjoy himself since last year’s Festival – he has finished third, fifth and third in his races since the Gold Cup, travelling well in the Irish equivalent at the Dublin Racing Festival before fading like he’d spent the previous evening tucking in to a curry after watching Honeysuckle win the Champion Hurdle.

After his RSA victory, Presenting Percy looked like he could have been one of the most brilliant staying chasers of recent years. However, since then, the mystery around the horse has transformed from endearingly intriguing into frustrating inconsistency. Percy could well turn up at Cheltenham and return to his previous best, but supporting him on this basis is essentially supporting him out of loyalty and hope.

Back in his stable, Pat Kelly and Presenting Percy will get out their magic eight ball ahead of the pre-race parade and give it a shake to see how he should run - fingers crossed we get a definitive answer this time.

Conclusion

The Gold Cup is going to be a fantastic race. In truth, this was an exceptionally difficult piece to write, as the main contenders are all brilliant horses who have far more positives than negatives about them. However, I hope that this has highlighted some of the potential frailties in those at the head of the market and made your analysis easier. I am also fully aware that some may disagree with my negative approach to these horses and so I would love to discuss this further – the debate before a race is arguably the best thing about this sport besides the event itself!

0 notes

aroundtheworldin18years · 5 years

Text

Stretching 346 km (215 miles) the River Thames is the UK’s second longest river, River Severn is the first. Starting as a slow trickle high in the rural Cotswolds in south-central England, the River Thames meanders through picturesque towns and villages before eventually flowing into the North Sea via the Thames Estuary. Having never been on a boating holiday before we were thrilled to work alongside Le Boat this Easter. Our boating holiday would showcase what a River Thames Cruise with Le Boat, from Benson to Windsor; has to offer families. So, if like us, you don’t know your port from your starboard, or indeed your bow from your stern…read on. And just to let you know, we didn’t know either…but we do now!

Windsor Castle

SMOOTH SAILING WITH STENA LINE

On a rainy night our Irish Sea crossing was with Stena Line on the Stena Superfast X. A luxurious ship with oodles of space and comfy seating. The restaurant had a great selection of hot and cold food, as well as hot and cold beverages. At 02.30 we all tucked into a hearty fry before heading to the cinema room to to watch the movie for this crossing, Christopher Robin. For 90 minutes Mummy slept and the girls and I watched Christopher Robin (now a grown man) rekindle his friendship with Winnie the pooh and friends. After the movie Matilda and Lily-Belle lay across one of the lounge bench seats and slept. Mummy and I chatted about Rosie (currently in the boot of the car) and how we thought she’d be coping. Returning to the car Rosie was more than excited to see us.

A hearty fry onboard the Stena Superfast X

Watching Winnie the Pooh on board the Stena Superfast X

Passports for people and pets

NEVER WORK WITH CHILDREN OR ANIMALS

For our River Thames cruise with Le Boat and for the very first time, we took our 1 year old Cocker Spaniel, Rosie; with us. To give you a little mental image of Rosie…she is super-cute, totally hyperactive and has serious ‘separation’ issues! Not to mention that this was her first journey longer than 30 minutes in a car, her first time on a boat, and her first time being around other people and dogs. I have to admit, I was a tad worried for what the week ahead would bring! There’s a famous saying and it goes, ‘never work with children or animals’, and we just so happen to have both in tow!

I hope this sailing isn’t woof, I mean rough

BOAT ENVY AND GRAVY BONES

From Holyhead to Benson, with a quick stop in Oxford for lunch, to walk Rosie and also pick up a few essentials; took the best part of 7 hours. Boat pick up was scheduled for 16:00 so we had a few hours to waste when we arrived in Benson at 13:00. A scenic River Thames walk, coffee at the Waterfront Café, ice cream for Lily-Belle and Matilda and a gravy bone for Rosie. After we fed ourselves there was the chance to feed the local swans. Plus, we indulged in a spot of boat watching (or envy) which soon brought our own Le Boat collection time upon us. And we were super excited for our River Thames Cruise with Le Boat!

Le Boat in Benson, Oxfordshire

Swans outside Le Boat in Benson, Oxfordshire

RIVER THAMES CRUISE WITH LE BOAT

Le Boat is now in its 50th year of operation. With branches throughout Europe it’s easy to see why they’ve become so well established. With bases on the River Thames, located in Benson and Chertsey; boat selection and pick up is a doddle. The pick up location for our 7 day River Thames Cruise with Le Boat was Benson, Oxfordshire. A quiet little village that sits on river silts and gravel, just above the surrounding marshy land of Preston Crowmarsh, Crowmarsh Gifford, and Rokemarsh. A little Benson fact…in 1993, the River Thames in Benson was used as one of the primary filming locations for the sitcom Keeping up Appearances. Peaceful.

Colourful map of the River Thames cruise with Le Boar

LE BOAT AT BENSON

At the Le Boat reception we were greeted warmly by the lovely Lucy. After a brief chat we were given a very thorough run down of the do’s and don’ts of boat housekeeping. Documents were signed and we were placed into the care of Slavek who would show us how to start, stop, steer and manoeuvre our 36ft vessel. Slavek also kindly took us to the first lock to show us how to operate the sluice and lock gates. From this point forward, this job would fall to the Captain’s Mate, otherwise known as Mummy! Holiday on the River Thames cruise with Le Boat here we come!

Sign here, here, here, here and oh, here

That’s the stern, and the pointy end is the bow

LE BOAT CRUSADER

About the Crusader. The Crusader boat is from the Budget range of boats offered by Le Boat. At 11.90 m long by 3.90 m wide, the Crusader has three separate cabins each with an en-suite bathroom. This model offers a variety of sleeping arrangements (single, doubles and singles that convert to doubles) to accommodate six. The size and versatility of the Crusader is excellent, a great choice for first timers to river cruising.

Inside the Crusader

primary steering station

electrical system is 12 volt DC power (220 volt shore power is available on some models),

2 cabins with convertible twin/double beds (both en-suite)

1 cabin with two single beds (en-suite),

kitchen with a stove, sink, and a fridge (freezer compartment within),

lounge has a large L-shaped sofa, drop-leaf dining table, and a radio/CD player.

stairs to upper deck.

Outside the Crusader

secondary steering station,

spacious sundeck with 360° viewing area,

plastic patio table and chairs

Credit: Le Boat

WHO SAID IT’S A DOG’S LIFE?

After successfully navigating the first lock with the assistance of Slavek, we were cruising along the River Thames. Our first stop was a short distance away in Wallingford where we moored overnight beside a pub named Boat House. Once we’d unpacked our bags and familiarised ourselves with the Le Boat Crusader, our hungry bellies steered us toward the Boat House for our evening meal. Dogs are very welcome in most pubs in England and treats are often provided free of charge. Rosie, although a little nervous; settled quite well and lay under the table. Every now and then Rosie would bark at other dogs if they strayed too close. Food arrived to the table promptly and was really decent pub grub.

Navigating Benson Lock on our Le Boat Crusader

Feeding our faces at the Boat House pub in Wallingford

If this is a dog’s life, I’ll take it every day

CHILLING IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE

Back on the Crusader we soon realised that as the April temperature fell to O°C outside, as did the temperature inside the Crusader. Thankfully the Crusader had heating which worked great when the engine was running. Our first night on the River Thames with Le Boat was very cold! The following morning we contacted Le Boat at Benson and arranged for extra duvets which Slavek kindly brought to us. Wallingford is a historic market town situated on the River Thames just south of Oxford. In the heart of the village lies the stony derelict ruins of a Norman Castle. Built in the 11th century, the castle is now grade 1 listed with just two walls remaining standing. There’s also a museum in the village with an extensive collection of Medieval and Victorian artefacts, sadly, as it was a Sunday, the museum was closed.

Wallingford Castle..ruined, but beautiful

Ancient ruins of Wallingford Castle

CRUISING ON THE WILD SIDE OF LIFE

Public mooring beside the Boat House cost £10.00 per night. After a breakfast of fresh croissants, cereal and hot buttery-toast; we received visitors port side. Four friendly ducks looking for us to feed them, which we did with freshly baked croissant crumbs. After feeding the ducks we navigated Wallingford bridge and set a course towards Windsor. I still hadn’t had my morning coffee at this point, mainly because we neglected to bring any! The Crusader pootles along at a speed of around 7-8km/h (4-5 mph) which gave us a chance to take in the beautiful and picturesque British countryside. A countryside that teems with wildlife. Swans, ducks, coots, geese, birds of prey, water voles and much more can be seen on the River Thames. There are many small islands along the river and as they are isolated and away from humans and land predators; birds use them to nest safely.

May we have fresh croissant crumbs please

What are you looking at?

LEARNING THE ROPES, AND THE LOCKS

The River Thames between Benson and Windsor has 18 locks to navigate. Out of season the locks are unmanned and entirely Self Service. Once the full season commences many of the locks are manned by employees of the River Agency or by volunteers. In all honesty we were surprised at how quiet the River Thames was. Rarely did we pass any other cruiser boats for hours at a time. The friendly lock keepers that we encountered amused us with lock tales and stories of ‘river rage’ during the busy Summer months. Each lock we encountered was maintained to a very high standard, and exceptionally clean. The locks also have a quaint little lock keeper’s hut and a residential cottage. Next stop Goring.

Lily-Belle, Cap’n of her ship

Lock Keeper’s hut at Cleeve Lock on the River Thames

Cleeve Lock on the River Thames

MOORING IN GORING

As we moored in Goring we got chatting with a couple of ladies out waking with their children. Lily-Belle and Matilda regained their land legs and played with the children. Chatting, we soon established that one of the ladies, visiting from Australia; was born in Delgany, Greystones in Ireland…which is where my father was born, died and is subsequently buried. Seriously, what are the odds of this encounter? What a small world! Off the boat we made our way into Goring village but not before stopping at George Michael’s riverside house. The house is empty and now owned by his sisters Melanie and Yioda. People are still leaving tributes at his door to this very day! After picking up coffee, sugar, milk and a few sweet treats from a local shop, we made our way back to Crusader to continue our journey down river.

George Micheal’s house in Goring on the River Thames

Mill Cottage in Goring

WAY DOWN THE SWAN(EE) RIVER

Between Goring and Mapledurham is Whitchurch Lock, the only lock on the River Thames that is inaccessible to the public by foot, bike or car. The lock keeper was a lovely chap named Tim whom we spent many minutes chatting with. Mapledurham is where we decided to moor for the evening. Peaceful, tranquil and swans nesting by the river’s edge. Through the Crusader window I was able to get a few photos of a nesting swan. The swan made her way to the river to drink and feed so I seized the opportunity to see if she was sitting on eggs, she was…two of them! Not wanting to disturb her, we moved the boat back out of the swans sight. The evening was spent walking Rosie, playing Uno and just chilling…it had been a long day.

Mummy swan keeping her eggs warm

Swan nest with eggs on the bank of the River Thames

A family game of Uno

MISTY MORNING ON THE RIVER THAMES

With two duvets on each bed we awoke toasty warm in the morning. A mist had descended on the River Thames and Mapledurham Lock was our first challenge of the day. The next mooring was planned for Henley-on-Thames, a journey that would take us through the beautiful locks at Caversham, Sonning and Shiplake. Beside each lock was a weir with fast flowing water. The locks, although very intimidating at first; were actually quite simple to manoeuvre the Crusader through…once we got the hang of it. Ok, so we had the odd moment where the Captain’s Mate (aka Mummy) missed roping the mooring peg, but this was soon rectified. It’s amazing how quickly the crew tow the line when you threaten them with walking the plank! The key to successfully navigating a lock is not to panic! Relax, look at the lock, select your temporary mooring peg and execute…simples!

Mapledurham Lock on the River Thames

Mapledurham Lock weir on the River Thames

EVERY LITTLE HELPS

Before Caversham Lock is a Tesco Extra with multiple mooring points. The perfect location to stop and do a grocery shop. Upon mooring we got chatting with a lovely local man, Sid. Polite and very knowledgeable about the river Thames, we chatted with Sid for some considerable time. There’s a significant number of unlicensed boats moored permanently beside Tesco. These boat dwellers are known locally as ‘river gypsies’ and by all means a nuisance. They have little or no consideration for other river users, or indeed for the River Thames itself. We witnessed one man nonchalantly throw litter overboard. I decided it was probably best not to leave the boat unattended. Mummy and the girls went to Tesco and I walked Rosie within sight of the boat. Back on board, and after feeding the swans that had gathered by our Crusader; our Le Boat River Thames cruise continued.

Sid and the ladies chat on the River Thames

Unwanted and abandoned boats on the River Thames

A RURAL JUNGLE

Cruising along the River Thames is a great way to be nosey and see how the ‘other half’ live! The houses that line the banks are absolutely stunning. Many of the homes have huge beautiful weeping willow trees in their garden and perfectly manicured lawns. We came across a few gardens with life size sculptures of giraffes, rhinos, lions and other weird and wonderful sculptures. On the River Thames cruise with Le Boat we passed through Sonning and spotted a house with lots (and lots) of security cameras. After stopping before Sonning Lock to fill up with water, we chatted with the lock keepers Tim (volunteer) and Nick (River Agency); who informed us the house once belonged to Uri Geller, bender of spoons! Next stop, Shiplake Lock then Henley-on-Thames.

No need to weep over this willow

A home with a view

Beautiful home on the River Thames

DÉJÀ VU DOUBLE TAKE

Arriving at Shiplake Lock we had a real Déjà Vu moment as we approached the waiting lock keeper. It took us a moment or two to realise that the lock keeper was Nick from the previous lock! Turns out that many of the lock keepers man two locks at the same time and spend their day travelling back and forth between them. Again we bid farewell and continued to Henley-on-Thames where we moored alongside a play park. Lily-Belle and Matilda had the chance to burn off energy, and Rosie got a good walk. Henley-on-Thames is famed for having many famous landmarks; one of which is the grade 1 listed five-arched Henley Bridge that was built in 1711. Note to self…don’t crash into the bridge! And of course, Henley-on-Thames is world renowned for the Henley Royal Regatta…rowing, strawberries, champagne and more rowing!

Tim and Nick looking after Shiplake Lock on the River Thames

The famous Henley Bridge on the River Thames

Rowers on the River Thames

TIME WAITS FOR NO MAN OR BOAT

Our stay in Henley-on-Thames was short, and with good reason. Beside the mooring point in Henley-on-Thames there was a play park and bandstand. The bandstand had attracted rowdy teenagers who were shouting and playing load music. Assuming that the noise would probably get worse as the night progressed I decided to move our Le Boat Crusader further down the River Thames. Lynne phoned a quieter private mooring at Harleyford Marina and spoke with a friendly chap named Tim. After pleading our need for WiFi and peace, we were kindly invited to moor overnight in the guest mooring. An hour and 30 minutes away, plus Hambledon and Hurley Locks to navigate; we wasted no time in leaving Henley-on-Thames. Harleyford Marina also happens to be the home of the world famous Steamboat Alaska; the UK’s oldest working passenger steamer.

Steamship Alaska, built in 1883, moored at Harleyford Marina on the River Thames

MOORING FROM DUSK TIL DAWN

Dusk was upon us when we arrived at Harleyford Marina and the offices were closed. The Marina was lit beautifully and silently secluded. Mooring at Harleyford Marina cost £30 per night which is a tad more expensive than the public moorings (£10) dotted along the River Thames. The on-site facilities, such as showers, laundry room, WiFi etc are excellent and well worth the mooring fee in our opinion. Mummy used her laptop to catch up on some work, Lily-Belle, Matilda and I played Pictureka (gave me a blinding headache) and Rosie slept. I think we all slept rather soundly at Harleyford Marina that night! We were thoroughly enjoying our River Thames Cruise with Le Boat.

Harleyford Marina on the River Thames

HARLEYFORD MARINA, HOME FROM HOME

Morning arrived at Harleyford Marina and we introduced ourselves to the General Manager, Mark Pearce. Mark had lots of information for us to ensure our journey along the River Thames was pleasant and enjoyable. Having already had our breakfast on board the Crusader, we were a tad disappointed to hear that the adjoining golf club served a very hearty Full English. Next time, next time for sure! The Crusader has three en-suite bathrooms, but as you can probably imagine, being on a boat; they are small. Personally I like a lot of space when showering. Before using the shower block at Harleyford Marina we popped a load into the washing machine in the laundry room. There was also a tumble dryer, an iron and an ironing board….whatever those are (only joking). All clean and refreshed we set sail for Windsor on a cold, wet rainy day.

Cookham Lock on a rainy day on the River Thames

COFFEE AND A COSY CABIN

The sky was dark and gloomy. Definitely not a day for sitting on the upper deck on our River Thames cruise with Le Boat. Thankfully the Crusader can also be steered from inside the cabin. Coffee in hand, I stood behind Lily-Belle and watched her navigate the straight stretch of River Thames that lay in front of us. Matilda had a turn but got bored very quickly. On the bank a crocodile lay poised ready to ambush! To keep themselves occupied, Lily-Belle and Matilda tried their hand at pointillism on a piece of kitchen roll. Pointilism, if you’ve never heard of it; is a technique in which small dots of colour are applied in patterns to form an image. Paul Signac and Georges Seurat developed this technique in 1886. Pointillism colouring kept the girls occupied for hours. Isn’t it amazing what children will do without the internet…and relatively squabble free!

What’s the point of pointillism?

Attention to detail is key to successful colouring

See you later, in a while

ROW, ROW, ROW YOUR BOAT

Today would be our longest cruising time on the Crusader with 6 locks and 14 miles to cover to reach Windsor. And on a cold, wet and windy day; it was a pleasure to see lock keepers attending most of the locks today. Even though the weather was miserable, that didn’t stop hardy rowers from venturing out onto the choppy River Thames. I felt cold just watching them as they passed by port side wearing lycra with arms and legs exposed to the elements…brrrrr! As for us, we made a very conscious decision to stay on the boat inside a warm cabin. After what felt like a lifetime on the Crusader we could see the majestic Windsor Castle on the horizon. Rain had finally stopped and the sky was clear and blue!

Rivers and Royals…Windsor it is.

FOOTBALL IS ALWAYS A PRIORITY

Arriving in Windsor I had just one thing on my mind…the Liverpool vs Porto FC game. Having checked online and found a pub with live streaming; I was a happy man. On arrival I confirmed the game would be streaming and we ordered food. Imagine how annoyed I was when the TV was switched over from the Liverpool game to the Man City vs Spurs game, livid! The food was presented beautifully but sadly, presentation was the best part of the meal; bland and tasteless. In the end we returned to the Crusader and I watched my beloved Liverpool FC play using Sky Go on my iphone. The girls sat on the upper deck and fed the swans as Rosie looked on. Swan food was purchased from a local shop at 60p per bag and we bought 20 bags! River Thames swans must be the best fed swans in the world!

Windsor swans…the best fed swans in the word

Rosie watching the swans on the River Thames

BREAKFAST THE PARISIAN WAY

The morning haze was lifting and the forecast given was for a hot day, probably our best chance for sightseeing around Windsor. For breakfast we ventured to dog-friendly Café Rouge; a beautiful retro cafe with a distinctively Parisian feel to it. Our server was also the General manager, Bertrand, who was a ‘homme charmant’ with a warm friendly manner, welcoming and very polite. Breakfast was superb and Rosie lay under the table anticipating a bacon or sausage titbit or two. The full English (or should that be full French) didn’t disappoint and was served with a less than traditional Cognac. Mummy and the girls were offered ‘champers’ but politely declined. The magnificent Windsor Castle was less than 300 metres away, and a little farther was The Long Walk in Windsor Great Park.

Café Rouge Windsor; fantastically french

Full English with a cognac, don’t mind if I do

Pancakes, bacon, maple syrup and bananas, what a way to start to the day

A VERY ROYAL WELCOME TO WINDSOR

Windsor Castle is a royal residence in the heart of Windsor, in the county of Berkshire. The castle has a long standing association with the British royal family and is world renowned for its splendid architecture. The original castle was built in the 11th century after the Norman invasion of England by William the Conqueror. A notable historical occasion is the great fire in 1992 in which the building was damaged extensively. Thankfully, a huge restoration project restored the castle to its former glory. I could tell you all of the historical points and facts about Windsor, but in all honesty; Wikipedia has this covered. The girls were more interested in visiting Windsor Castle than I was, they love ‘all things royal’!

Windsor Castle; majestic and proud

Windsor Castle; a home fit for Royalty

THE LONG WALKIES

Having Rosie with us we weren’t allowed into Windsor Castle grounds and had to settle for the park and The Long Walk. I left the ‘Long Walk’ to Mummy and the girls. Deer can often be spotted roaming freely through the park, but sadly not on this occasion. Rosie was allowed off her leash to stretch her legs and run around the park with Lily-Belle and Matilda. The gardens are beautiful, and from Snowy Hill, the views of Windsor Castle are glorious and unobstructed above the tree line. It’s thirsty work taking photos. Beside the entrance to Windsor Park is The Two Brewers, the perfect compact pub to stop for a glass of bubbly and juice for the little ladies. Very welcome and a chance to sit, relax and enjoy the glorious sunshine.

Magnificent Windsor Castle in the heart of Windsor

Taking a stroll in the gardens of Windsor Great Park

Champagne and sunshine. at the Two Brewers Windsor

O2 CUSTOMER SERVICE AT ITS VERY BEST

Mid holiday Mummy’s phone decided it didn’t want to cooperate any longer, dead…RIP Samsung Galaxy! Needing a phone for photos, Mummy popped into the O2 shop in Windsor. After a lengthy chat about paying bills, deals, phone options, WiFi and dongles; Mummy chose a brand new Huawei Pro P30, mainly for the superior camera. Extremely thankful to Ruari (Assistant) and Gerry (General Manager) we dropped in a box of Krispy Kreme donuts. Perfect accompaniment to enjoy with an afternoon cuppa. Ruari transferred Mummy’s contacts from her old phone to her shiny new phone. The service we received at the O2 shop in Windsor was second to none! Lily-Belle and Matilda took the opportunity to write postcards for sending home. The girls LOVE sending postcards to their schools when we’re away travelling.

Only one thing beats eating a Krispy Kreme donut…eating two Krispy Kreme donuts!

Sending postcards home with love

MAMMA MIMI, HERE I GO AGAIN

Armed with her Huawei P30 Pro Mummy couldn’t wait to start taking photos! Having spent so long in the O2 shop evening was upon us. With recommendations from the guys at O2, we crossed the street to dine at Kokoro; a Japanese diner-takeaway. Outside, we spied a lady out walking with her dog, Bella. Just to say, we needed ‘dog poop bags, Mimi had dog poop bags! A chance meeting with a delightfully charming young lady; Omayma (aka Mimi). Mimi is half Egyptian – half Italian and was in Windsor visiting her ماما (mamma). We spent an hour or so chatting with Mimi about dogs, health, travel, culture and could happily have spent many more hours in her company. Incidentally, Mimi also happens to live in our favourite country, Italy. I’m fairly certain our paths will cross again in the future. When we travel we always meet lovely people…blessed!

Matilda, bonding with and feeding Bella in WIndsor

SUSHI SIT IN

Kokoro, which translates as ‘heart and soul’ is located on Peascod Street in Windsor. With options of sit-in, takeaway or restaurant we opted to take the weight off our feet and sit-in. Matilda wanted noodles and only noodles! No matter how much we tried to persuade her to sample other Asian delights, she was having none of it! Lily-Belle was more adventurous and chose a sushi selection compete with hot wasabi! I had dumplings, sushi, miso soup and chicken in chilli sauce, Mummy scoffed fried chicken and rice with curry sauce. As a side we shared crispy spring rolls. Food was excellent as was the service.

Sushi selection from Kokoro in Windsor

JUST PLANE CRAZY

Walking back to our Crusader cruiser we stopped on Windsor Town Bridge to admire the stunning sunset. Windsor Town Bridge is an iconic iron and granite arch bridge that spans over the River Thames between the towns of Windsor and Eton. Planes fly overhead passing at an alarming rate of one every 48 seconds and you can see a steady line of planes heading for Heathrow Airport. Swans and ducks fly by our heads, always seeming to head toward a collision yet managing to turn before impact. The River Thames in Windsor is a bustling tourist hot spot and the river is alive with boat activity. On the boat, Matilda turned her hand to entertaining us with a little impromptu rapping. Honestly, we’ve never laughed as much in our lives! Bellyache and tears flowing down our cheeks. Hilarious!

A beautiful fiery orange sunset on the River Thames

A view of Windsor from the bank of The River Thames

BOATS AND BUZZARDS

After a peaceful overnight stay in Windsor, which cost £10 to moor per night; the time to make our way back upstream had come. A long walk for Rosie, swan feeding for the girls and cruising along, Windsor Castle soon disappeared from view. The River Thames is a beautiful place to relax, take in the scenic landscape and simply while away the hours doing nothing on a Le Boat cruiser. For the next few hours we sat on the top deck and watched peregrine falcons, red kites, buzzards, goshawks and other birds soar effortlessly in the sky. One thing to note about the River Thames is its abundant wildlife, if this tells us just one thing it’s that the River Thames has a thriving ecosystem. Our first boating holiday and we were thoroughly enjoying every moment on the Crusader.

Red Kite above the River Thames

Grey heron on the bank of the River Thames

Red Kite flying high above the River Thames

A BOUNTIFUL BOWL OF SAUSAGES

Located in Cookham is a riverside pub called The Bounty. With easy mooring, al fresco dining and a children’s play area, we dropped by for a spot of lunch, oh, almost forgot, The Bounty is also very dog friendly. The Bounty is only open during the summer months. Profits from sales are put into the running of an orphanage in Africa, which is owned by the pub proprietors. The Bounty is a great ale house full of character where everyone is made to feel very welcome by the friendly staff. And in all honesty, top notch food at a reasonable price, and we even bought sausage bites for Rosie at £2 per bowl! Lily-Belle and Matilda thoroughly enjoyed playing in the small play area. Ice creams purchased we embarked our boat.

Daily doggie specials for your pampered pooch

The Bounty…proud to be British

Awww, c’mon…lthey must ve cool enough to eat by now

SILENCE IS ALWAYS GOLDEN, SOMETIMES IT’S SHATTERED

A little upstream from The Bounty is the beautiful and well kept Marlow Lock. On the approach the peace was shattered by loud screaming and shouting. Very loud screaming and shouting! A school tour from Belgium. On the riverbank a teacher was screaming at the school children for what appeared to be no apparent reason! Our plan to stop at Marlow was thwarted as we drew closer to the mooring point and heard the same screaming and shouting. Moored on the bank was 6 boats all with Belgian teachers and children…no space for us, we moved on! Light was fading and journey time to Henley-on-Thames was around 2 hours, not including lock time! This part of the journey was going to be tight! Would we make it before dark?

Beautiful Marlow on the River Thames

Marlow to London to Oxford…wear good walking shoes

TAKEAWAY ON THE THAMES

Sailing into Henley-on-Thames the sunset was spectacular, and as quick as the sun began to set; it was soon pitch black. Mooring using the Henley Rowing Club boat house lights was simple enough though. No sooner had we moored, a small boat pulled starboard. I honestly thought we were going to be moved on, but thankfully not. The boat had stopped to collect our mooring fee of £10 for the night. And r-e-l-a-x…a glass of vino for Mummy and I, and juice for the girls. Indian takeaway ordered from Café le Raj which was just 5 minutes from our mooring point. Lovely Indian food and very reasonably priced considering we were in Henley-on-Thames. Board games and more rapping from Matilda ended our night early, we were all exhausted and in need of a good night’s sleep.

Sailing into the sunset aboard Le Boat Crusader in Henley-on-Thames

STRAWBERRIES AND CREAM, YES PLEASE

Morning time arrived all too quickly. We had moored our Le Boat Crusader beside where they were setting up for the famous Henley Regatta which takes place in July. After breakfast on board, a gentle stroll into Henley town to pick up pressies. Mummy called into a supermarket for strawberries and champagne, well…we are in Henley-on-Thames, it’d be rude not too! Brunch on the top deck of our Crusader and we set sail to try and get as close to Benson as possible. The sun was out but sadly the temperature failed to get above 12°C. Feeling the cold Lily-Belle and Matilda stayed in the cabin for most of the day; only surfacing to feed swans and ducks. I steered the boat and watched the many rowers pass by on the River Thames. Once again, we moored in Goring.

Sign on Henley Bridge on the River Thames

Champagne and strawberries on board the Le Boat Crusader in Henley-on-Thames

HELPFUL TIP FOR A FISH AND CHIP

Mark from Harleyford Marina advised us to get fish and chips from a local pub in Goring, John Barleycorn; on our return trip. In all honesty we are spoilt in Northern Ireland for fish and chips. Just a few short miles away from our home is Joe 90’s; an award winning chippy. The best fish supper you’ll ever taste! Still, we gave John Barleycorn our custom and of course, took a cheeky drink at the bar! Back at the boat we enjoyed our John Barleycorn crispy fish with tartar sauce, chips and mushy peas. Ok, the food was pretty good, but as I said…Northern Ireland…Joe 90’s…spoilt rotten. I needn’t say anymore! After our evening meal, we began the laborious task of packing ready for our arrival at Le Boat Benson the following morning. And we also had to clean the boat and scrub the decks!

John Barleycorn pub in Goring on the River Thaames

BYE BYE LE BOAT BENSON

Goring Lock to Benson Lock, excluding lock time; is around 1 hour 30 minutes cruising at 7-8 km/h. Bearing in mind we were also travelling against the flow of the River Thames. In Goring we packed, cleaned and had the boat ship-shape ready to hand it back to Le Boat. On our final morning we set a course for Le Boat Benson. Our boat pulled up in Benson at 09:30 and that was it, our cruising adventure was over. Slavek and Lucy met us dockside and we gave them each a small token of our appreciation, a full bodied Red Wine for Slavek (to drink with his kebabs, Slavek likes kebabs) and Flowers and Prosecco for Lucy. Our evening ferry with Stena Line was at 20:15 so we found a small cosy café in Benson, Country Kitchen; to eat brunch and contemplate our day.

Time to say goodbye to Le Boat Benson

Now, here’s how we learned our bow from our stern, and our port from our starboard:

Bow – when you bow your head, you bow forward, therefore the bow is the front,

Stern – steering minus a letter or three, boats steer from the back (rudder), therefore the stern is the back,

Port – has 4 letters so does the word LEFT, and port (the drink) is red, which is the colour of the light on the left side of the boat, therefore port side is the left,

Starboard – had nothing for this one, so take our word for it, starboard is the right.

WOULD WE GO BACK?

Before you could batten down the hatches, we’d be rockin’ the boat! We had so much fun cruising the River Thames on a Le Boat Crusader. The scenery is spectacular and the abundant wildlife held us captive for the whole journey. As first-time cruisers we can honestly say we had a blast. River cruising is not as relaxing as we thought it would be and in fact, at times, it was pretty hard. Enjoyable nonetheless. If you haven’t tried river cruising before, you should. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised at how much fun river cruising is!

With a very special THANK YOU to (in no particular order):

Le Boat – for your exceptional generosity,

Rachel Gifford (Le Boat Marketing Manager UK and Ireland) – for organising our Le Boat holiday and for your great communications throughout,

Lucy and Slavek (Le Boat Benson) – for your very warm welcome, guidance and banter,

Jillian Frew (Duffy Rafferty Communications Account Executive) – for organising our Stena Line Superfast X return ferry crossing with Rosie (woof),

Sid – for taking the time out of your busy day to chat with us and share your local knowledge,

Bertrand (Cafe Rouge) – for making us feel very welcome and for a hearty breakfast with Cognac,

Ruari and Gerry (O2 Windsor) – for your patience and for getting Mummy sorted with her new phone,

Mimi – for giving us a poop bag, and for sharing your personal story, t’was a real pleasure to meet you,

Tim and Mark (Harleyford Marina) – for allowing our late arrival, and for the helpful hints and tips for our Thames River cruise,

River Agency and Lock Keepers – Tim, Nick, Andy and the lock keepers whose names we forgot to take (sorry) – for the fantastic work you do in keeping the River Thames running smoothly.

We are extremely grateful and feel blessed to have met each and every one of you. Looking forward to returning to the River Thames in the future, until then…taisteal sábháilte!

LILY-BELLE SAYS (10)

The boat was much bigger than I thought it would be and I enjoyed taking a turn to steer. I’ve never seen so many swans in one place (Windsor) so it was good throwing food pellets and attracting them to the boat. I didn’t like the boat at night because it was really cold. Great holiday and I hope we do another cruise in the future!

MATILDA SAYS (4)

I just loved taking Rosie on holiday with us. And it was really cool that Rosie could go into the café’s and eat doggy biscuits. The playground was lots of fun and I liked seeing giraffes in the gardens.

Travel Itinerary

Le Boat: visit Le Boat online for boat hire pricing (damage waiver and fuel deposits are required) Route: Benson to Windsor return Date(s) of visit: 6th – 13th April 2019 Mooring costs: £10 public moorings and £30 Harleyford Marina River Thames guide: full edition pdf

If you would like to:

Work With Us | Obtain Further Information | Receive Our Media Pack Please GET IN TOUCH

PIN IT

Information, currency and prices are correct at the time of publishing. Views, opinions and experiences are that of The Callaghan Posse and are correct at the time of publication. Photos, unless credited, are taken by The Callaghan Posse for use and distribution by Around The World In 18 Years. Images and content may not be used or copied (private or commercial) without obtaining prior permission.

[Disclaimer: Stena Superfast X return crossing was gifted by Stena Line and Crusader boat was gifted by Le Boat. Gifted items were provided in return for social media and blog coverage]

SOCIAL MEDIA

Don’t miss out on our future BLOG posts, Sign Up To Our FREE Newsletter or connect with us on:

SHARING IS CARING

If you enjoyed reading our BLOG post, please feel free to share it using the SOCIAL MEDIA ICONS below.

RIVER THAMES CRUISE WITH LE BOAT Stretching 346 km (215 miles) the River Thames is the UK's second longest river, River Severn is the first.

#Benson #Le Boat #Stena Line #Thames River Cruise #Windsor Castle

0 notes

redherringquotes · 6 years

Text

John Malham, The Harleian Miscellany, 1809

Page 290: Give me good words, I beseech thee, though thou gives me nothing else, and thy words shall stand for thy deeds, which I will take as well in worth, as if they were the deeds and evidences of all the land thou hast. Here I bring you a red herring, if you will find drink to it, there’s an end, no other detriments will I put you to. Let the kan of strong ale your constable, with the toast his brown bill, and sugar and nutmegs his watchmen, stand in a readiness to entertain me every time I come by your lodging. In Russia there are no present but of meat or drink; I present you with meat, and you, in honorable courtesy to requite me, can do no less than present me with the best morning’s draught of merry-go-down in your quarters; and so I kiss the shadow of your feets shadow, amiable dons, expecting your sacred poems of the Hermit’s tale, that will restore the golden age amongst us, and so, upon my soul’s knees, I take my leave. Yours, for a whole Last of Red Herring. Th. Nashe. …… To his Readers, he cares not what they be. Nashe’s Lenten Stuff! And why Nashe’s Lenten Stuff? Some scabbed called Esquire replies: Because I had money let me at Yarmouth; and I pay them again in praise of their own town and the red-herring. And, if it were so, Goodman Pig-Wigged, were not that honest dealing? Pay thou all thy debts so, if thou canst for thy life. But thou art a ninny-hammer, that is not it; therefore, Nickenoky, I call it Nashe’s Lenten Stuff, as well for that it was most of my study the last lent as that we use so to term any fish that takes salt, of which the red-herring is one of the aptest. O! but, saith another John Dringle, there is a book of the Red-Herring’s Tail, printed four terms since, that made this stale. Let it be a tail of gaberdine, if it will, I am nothing entailed thereunto; I scorn it, I scorn it, that my works should turn tail to any man. Head, body, tail, and all of a red-herring you shall have of me, if that will please you; or, if that will not please you, stay till Easter term, and then, with the answer to the Trim Tram, I will make you laugh your hearts out. Take me at my word, for I am the man that will do it. This is a light frisking of my wit, like the praise of injustice, the fever quartan, Busiris, or Phalaris, wherein I follow the trace of the famousest scholars of all ages, whom a wantonising humor once in their lifetime hath possessed to play with straws, and turn molehills into mountains. Page 306: The application of this whole catalogue of waste authors is no more but this, Quot capita tot setentiae, so many heads, so many whirligigs; and, if all these have terlery-gincked it so frivolously, of, they know not what, I may, cum gratis & privilege, pronounce it, that a red-herring is wholesome in a frosty morning, and rake up some few scattered syllables together, in the polishing; excursions and circumquaques, but totaliter appositum. That English merchandise is most precious, which no country can be without; if you ask Suffolk, Essex, Kent, Sussex, or Lemster, or Cotswold, what merchandise that should be, they will answer you, it is the very same, which Polydore Virgil calls, vere aureum vellus, the true golden fleece of our wool and English cloth, and nought else: other ingraining upland cormorants will grunt out, it is grana paradisi, our grain or corn that is most sought after. The Westerners and Northerners, that it is lead, tin, and iron. Butter and cheese, butter and cheese, saith the farmer; but from every one of these I dissent, and will stoutly abide by it, that, to troll in cash throughout all nations of Christendom, there is no fellow to the red herring. The French, Spanish, and Italian, have wool enough of their own, whereof they make cloth to serve their turn, though it be somewhat courser than ours. For corn, none of the east parts but what surpasseth us; of lead and tin is the most scarcity in foreign dominions, and plenty with us, though they are not utterly barren of them. As for iron, about Isenborough, and other places of Germany, they have quadruple the store that we have. As touching butter and cheese, the Hollanders cry, by your leave we must go before you; and the Transalpiners, with their lordly Parmesan (so named of the city of Parma, in Italy, where it is first clout-crushed and made) shoulder in for the upper-hand as hotly; when as, of our appropriate glory of the red-herring, no region, betwixt the poles aortic and antartick, may , can, or will rebate from us one scruple. Page 326: As good a toy to mock an ape was it of him, that showed a country fellow the Red Sea, where all the red herrings were made (as some places in the sea, where the sun is most transpiercing, and beats with his rays fervenjest, will look as red as blood) and the jest of a scholar in Cambridge, that standing angling on the town bridge there, as the country people on the market day passed by, secretly baited his hook with a red herring, with a bell about the neck; and so conveying it into the water that no man perceived it, all on the sudden, when he had a competent throng gathered about him, up he twitched it again, and laid it openly before them; whereat the gaping rural fools, driven into no less admiration than the common people about London, some few years since, were at the babbling of Moor-ditch, swore by their Christendoms, that, as many days and years as they had lived, they never saw such a miracle of red-herring taken in fresh water before. That greedy sea-gull ignorance, is apt to devour anything: For a new Messias they are ready to expect of the Bedlam haymaker’s wife by London Bridge; he that proclaims himself Elias, and saith he is inspired with mutton and porridge; And, with them, it is current, that Don Sebastian, King of Portugal, slain twenty years since with Stukeley at the battle of Alcazar, is raised from the dead, like Lazarus, and alive to be seen at Venice. Page 330: My readers, peradventure, may see more into it than I can; for, in comparison of them, in whatsoever I set forth, I am (Bernardus non vidit omnia) as blind as blind Bayard, and have the eyes of a beetle; nothing from them is obscure, they being quicker sighted than the sun, to espy in his beams the motes that are not, and able to transform the lightest murmuring gnat to an elephant. Carp, or descant they, as their spleen moves them, my spleen moves me not to defile my hands with them, but to fall a crash more to the red-herring. Page 331: How many are there in the world, that childishly deprave alchemy, and cannot spell the first letter of it! In the black book of which ignorant band of scorners, it may be, I am scored up with the highest: If I am, I must intreat them to wipe me out, for the red-herring hath lately been my ghostly father to convert me to their faith; the probatum est of whose transfiguration ex luna in solem, from his dusky tin hue into a perfect golden blandishment, only by the foggy smoke of the grossest kind of fire that is, illumines my speculative soul, what much more, not sophisticate, or superficial effects, but absolute, essential alterations of metals there may be made by an artificial, repurified flame, and divers other helps of nature added besides. Page 332: The rebel Jack Cade was the first, that devised to put red herrings in cases, and from him they have their name. Now, as we call it, the swinging of herrings, when he caded them; so in a halter was he swung, and trussed up as hard and round as any cade of herrings he trusted up in his time, and perhaps of his being so swung and trussed up, having first found out the trick to cade herring, they would so much honor him in his death, as not only to call it swinging, but cading of herring also. If the text will bear this, we will force it to bear more, but it shall be but the weight of a straw, or the weight of Jack Straw more, who with the same Groeca fide, I married not you in the former, was the first that put the red herring in straw, over head and ears like beggars, and the fishermen upon that Jack-strawed him ever after; and some, for he was so beggarly a knave that challenged to be a gentleman, and had no wit nor wealth but what he got by the warm wrapping up herring, raised this proverb of him, ‘Gentleman Jack Herring that puts his breeches on his head, for want of wearing.’ Other disgraceful proverbs of the herring there are, as, ‘Never a barrel better herring; Neither flesh nor fish, nor good red herring,’ which those, that have bitten with ill bargains of either sort, have dribbed forth in revenge, and yet not have them from Yarmouth; many coast towns, besides it, enterprising to cure, salt, and pickle up herrings, but mar them; because they want the right feat, how to salt and season them. Page 332: So I could pluck a crow with poet Martial, for calling it putre halec, the scauld rotten herring; but he meant that of the fat reasty Scottish herrings, which will endure no salt, and in one month (bestow what cost on them you will) wax rams, if they be kept; whereas our imbarrelled white herrings, flourishing with the stately brand of Yarmouth upon them, scilicet, the three half lions, and the three half fishes, with the crown over their head, last in long voyages, better than the red herring, and not only are famous at Roan, Paris, Dieppe, and Caen (whereof the first, which is Roan, serviette all the high countries of France with it, and Dieppe, which is the last save one, victuals all Picardy with it) but here at home is made account of like a marquis, and received at court right solemnly; I care not much if I rehearse to you the manner, and that is thus: Page 333: No more can I do for you than I have done, were you my God-children every one: God make you his children, and keep you from the Dunkirkers, and then, I doubt not but, when you are driven into harbor by foul weather, the cans shall walk to the health of Nashe’s Lenten Stuff, and the praise of the red herring; and even those, that attend upon the pitch kettle, will be drunk to my good fortunes and recommendums. One boon you must not refuse me in (if you be boni socii and sweet Olivers) that you let not your rusty swords sleep in their scabbards, but lash them out in my quarrel as hotly, as if you were to cut cables, or hew the main-mast overboard, when you hear me mangled and torn in men’s mouths about this playing with a shuttlecock, or tossing empty bladders in the air. Page 334: Alas! poor hunger-starved muse, we shall have some spawn of a goose-quill, or over worn pander, quirking and girding. Was it so hard driven that it had nothing to feed upon but a red herring? Another drudge of the pudding house (all whose lawful means to live by throughout the whole year will scarce purchase him a red herring) says I might as well have writ of a dog’s turd, in his teeth sir-reverence. But, let none of these scum of the suburbs be too vinegar tart with me; for, if they be, I’ll take mine oath upon a red herring and eat it, to prove that their fathers, their grandfathers, and their great-grandfathers, or any other of their kin, were scullions dishwasher, and dirty draft and swill set against a red herring. The puissant red herring, the golden Hesperides red herring, the Maeonian red herring, the red herring of Red Herrings Hall, every pregnant peculiar of whose resplendent laud and honor, to delineate and adumbrate to the ample life, were a work that would drink dry four-score and eighteen Castilian fountains of eloquence, consume another Athens of fecundity, and abate the haughtiest poetical fury betwixt this and the burning zone and the tropic of Cancer. My conceit is cast into a sweating sickness, with ascending those few steps of his renown; into what a hot broiling Saint Laurence’s feel would it relapse then, should I spend the whole bag of my wind in climbing up to the lofty mountain crest of his trophies? But no more wind will I spend on it but this: Saint Denis for France, Saint James for Spain, Saint Patrick for Ireland, Saint George for England, and the red herring for Yarmouth.

0 notes