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certifiedjaeger · 3 years ago

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Dangerously Sweet: Chapter 1

Sugar Daddy/Werewolf!Eren Jaeger x Female Reader

Chapter Summary: You love your secret “arrangement” with Eren Jaeger, younger son of the powerful Jaeger family and one of Paradis’ most prominent and elusive figures. However, the secrets and lies all become a little too much for you when you are once again abandoned this month on a full moon…

Word Count: 4K

Warnings: Angst, horror elements... this is kind of just an intro chapter, the real smut *ahem* I mean... fun starts next chapter 😈

● Series Masterlist ●

You were fed up. Fed up with the lies, the secrecy, the abandonment… You were fed up with all of it.

You’ve known Eren for what has nearly been almost a year now, the both of you coming into each other’s lives under special circumstances. The arrangement between you two was an interesting one, to say the least, and definitely one that most wouldn’t agree with. He wasn’t your boyfriend, or husband, or partner; he wasn’t even a friend that you occasionally had sex with. No, he was something else entirely.

You see, he loved to spoil you with just about anything and everything your little heart could ever desire. Spending hundreds of thousands of dollars of his family’s riches on you, charming you with the most extravagant of gifts, and then… well… simply put, after all of that, he loved to fuck your brains out. You never had thought that you would actually end up being somebody’s sugar baby. You had always sort of looked down on people who did this kind of thing… and yet, here you were with The Eren Jaeger as your sugar daddy– as well as a very changed mindset to go along with your new lifestyle.

You now understood just how very special the bond you two had was and that most people just simply didn’t understand this type of dynamic. The ignorance that most people held–just like the ignorance you had once harbored prior to meeting him–was always a source of irritation for the both of you. Which is why you quickly became used to the secrecy surrounding your arrangement. It was your special relationship, just for the two of you. Nobody else needed to know. And as much as you were used to all of the secrets, you now couldn’t bear the thought of him keeping anything from you– Which, he clearly was.

You see, Eren Jaeger was special to you. Not only was he your sugar daddy and the object of your desires, but he was also Paradis’ most eligible bachelor and the charming younger son of the Jaeger family that resided here. He was well-known, from here to Marley to all other parts of the world; his family had made a name for themselves decades ago and it was one of strength and power. From politics to running a multi-industry company, they seemed to be able to succeed in whatever they put their minds to. Their name was an intimidating one and no one ever thought twice about crossing them for that very reason. However, as intimidating as the Jaeger family tree and its various branches were, some leniency seemed to be granted to the second son of Grisha Jaeger. At 29 years old, Eren Jaeger was handed the responsibility of a small number of lucrative endeavors for the family company and was the man on everyone’s minds these days. With his older brother bearing a bit more of the responsibilities of the family name, Eren had fallen quite well into the charming bachelor role. But, make no mistake– Above all else, he was a secretive man. A man who liked to keep to himself and not indulge too much in the limelight. Which… was frustrating, to say the least, for the tabloids who had to write articles about the mysterious Jaeger son. You had heard just about every rumor possible: “Eren Jaeger Steps Out with Another Lady Within Days of Romancing French model”; “Son of Grisha Jaeger Leaves Paradis’ Annual Charity Gala with Senator’s Daughter”; “Eren Jaeger Jets Off to Ibiza and Gets Involved with Twenty Women on a Yacht”. That last one was especially hilarious and creative, you had thought. But they were all a bit laughable, to be honest, considering that these “articles” never actually had any real, concrete proof and would simply accuse him of whatever nonsense seemed to fit the ‘player’ stereotype that had been placed upon him. He was charming, and he was well sought-after, but he was not a player. You know this, because, well… as mentioned previously, he was special to you.

A part of you didn’t want to admit just how much he meant to you, knowing what the two of you had agreed to and knowing that it would never end up being more than what it currently was. But, what could you say? After all this time, the man had grown on you, and it was that very reason that you often found yourself thinking about a life spent with your green-eyed king.

No sugar daddy has ever been so sweet; you feel this deep in your bones… He takes care of you and treats you as though you’re a princess, born of real, authentic royal blood. He’s gentle and kind, but can also be rough and dominant when he deems it necessary in the late hours of the night. And, it should also be noted that he is a very giving man… Which is, actually, putting it lightly. Extravagant dinners, trips all over the world, and many shopping trips– the latter of those three being a particular source of happiness and amusement to him, as he’s able to sit back and relax while watching his girl try on anything his money could buy. Which, simply put, is everything. Random gifts always seem to find their way to your place, as well. Flowers sometimes take up every available counter space, jewelry–specially made for you from top-notch designers–will suddenly appear in your apartment, and lingerie–some costing thousands of dollars–find their rightful place in your closet, always in a box with a red bow on top and always to be quickly discarded on the floor of Eren’s penthouse apartment.

Not to mention, your place is actually an entirely new apartment that he had bought for you. It’s immensely bigger than your last one and comes with more amenities than you could ever possibly need. You had told him that there was no need to do something like that, but he had insisted– Not taking no for an answer, especially after seeing the modest apartment that you had been living in prior to knowing him. He had simply said that he wanted you to be in a safer area and that he wanted to make sure that “nothing happened to his princess”. Those very words which had you rolling your eyes as you tried desperately to hide the smile on your face; those words–his sweet words–that you held close to your heart, yes, even in moments such as these, where you were once again reminded of the secrets that he kept from you.

~~~

Old memories of the two of you played in your mind as you find yourself hastily making your way toward your car. Eren wasn’t at his apartment and his assistant said that he wasn’t at the office either, which only seems to make the uneasiness you feel in your chest worse.

That morning you had woken up to a knock on your door, which actually wasn’t an entirely odd circumstance considering all of the gifts that you received from Eren. Knocks on your door meant either one of two things: Either Eren wanted to see you before he headed into the office for the day, or, somebody was delivering something from none other than Mr. Jaeger himself. Today, it had been the latter, and you had let the delivery man in and watched him set down some roses and a box on the counter, before then promptly leaving. You remember smiling to yourself, as a fluttery feeling filled your chest at how beautiful the floral arrangement was, before then picking up the note that had accompanied your gifts and reading it excitedly.

“Dinner tonight? I’ll be at your place at 8pm… and I’d especially like it if you wore this for me. Love, E”

Inside the box was a lovely dress that he was certain you would look beautiful in; made of fine silk and covered in a dark shade of red, a beautiful deep ruby hue, his favorite color on you. You had then noticed the plunging neckline, that you knew would show just a little too much cleavage, and you had let out a small laugh at his cheeky ways. But if Mr. Jaeger wanted to see his girl donning an exquisite dress–sure to show too much skin and ready for him to rip off during your after-dinner festivities–well, then… That’s exactly what Mr. Jaeger was going to see. Afterall, how could you ever deny him of such sweet and simple pleasures?

All day you had been excited to see him. Excited to see the look on his face as he finally takes in your dress-clad appearance, but even more excited to finally be in his warm, intoxicating presence once again. Which is why your heart had nearly stopped when you received a text from him midday. He usually insists on calling you–preferring to hear your voice rather than read your words on a screen–which is why you had already known that something wasn’t right when you had read his name on your phone around noon.

[Eren]: Have to cancel tonight. Can’t see you. Stay home and don’t come to my place.

You remember feeling more hurt than you cared to admit by the harsh tone of his words and had replied rather quickly, asking him if everything was okay. Your mind had wandered to horrible thoughts that maybe… maybe, he was upset at you. That you must have done something to upset him and that’s why he was so curt in saying that he didn’t want to see you. You remember hoping more than anything, though, that that wasn’t the case.

~~~

All day you waited by your phone, but he never replied. He never gave you so much as a little text to hint at what was going on in his mind or why he had canceled on you, and it made you feel sick to think of all the reasons that he could possibly be ignoring you.

This wasn’t a rare occurrence, however. He did this seemingly every couple of weeks or so, but you had only caught on to the pattern a couple of months ago when your feelings for him began to shift into something more deep–something more serious–than what they should have been, considering the casual nature of your relationship. However, you couldn’t help the sharp ache in your heart that accompanied every monthly rejection. Most of the time he seemed to love your company and appeared as though he wanted nothing more than to be near you and to spoil you. But then suddenly, he would become distant. The man you knew would completely change and you’d be left to feel just like any other unimportant pawn in his life.

He does this almost like clockwork; every month or so and always for at least a couple of days at a time. He pushes you away–which unfortunately hurts more and more each time–only to come back to you several days later as if nothing had ever happened at all. You didn’t know what to think of this strange, hurtful pattern or why he felt the need to do this. Your mind had thought of just about everything– Maybe he was a married man and had a family… No, he was too well-known, you’d definitely know if he were married. Or, maybe he had a secret girlfriend… No, considering you two weren’t an item, he wouldn’t need to hide something like that from you. Or maybe… maybe he would simply just get tired of you and would need a break– one that was far, far away from you. That last possible explanation hurt you much more than you cared to admit…

But whatever his reason for ignoring you is, you can’t be bothered to be sad about it now. Because this time, you are angry. An emotion you didn’t find yourself having often, but alas, here you are, racing down the highway and silently cursing the man for doing this to you yet again.

~~~

He isn’t at his apartment and he isn’t at the office, so you know that there is only one other place you can check before you run out of ideas. You turn off of the highway and onto the familiar rough road on the edge of the city; right where civilization gives way to a wall of towering, old trees. The sun had set about two hours ago and darkness had quickly blanketed the surrounding forest, making you feel almost unwelcome in this new terrain. You had always found this place to be creepy at night, never really enjoying the isolation and silence that was characteristic of being at the center of a wide, vast forest. It always gave you a feeling as though a voice were whispering… you do not belong here. The chilling wind and the rustling of leaves–with branches creaking nearby from not-so-distant animals–letting you know that, maybe you didn’t belong. Maybe you could only ever truly belong if you, too, were a wild beast, born and bred in the heart of the woods. So, yes, you do find this place creepy at night, but you try to push that thought from your mind as you continue down the dirt road.

Eren didn’t find this place creepy at all, however. He loved his house out here and would often come out because it was secluded and quiet; allowing him–if even just for a moment–to get away from everything when it all got to be a little too much. You, on the other hand, and as mentioned previously, found it to be just a little too removed from everything and didn’t particularly enjoy the forest’s eerie nature.

Eren had always made you feel safe when you two were out here, though. He was always so quick to comfort you and tell you that you were safe in his arms, even before you had a chance to voice your frightened thoughts; it was almost strange, you thought, how he had always seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to your discomfort. But now, as you pull up to the front of the modern house, park your car, and reluctantly step outside–without Eren there to provide with such comfort–you feel a shiver run down your spine as you take in the quiet, still air of your surroundings.

The full moon casts an odd glow on the thick forest that encompasses Eren’s house and the smell of pine fills your senses, almost making you forget for a second why you had been so adamant about coming out here in the first place. The hushed stillness in the air suddenly makes you feel jittery, and even though you’re still angry with him, you desperately wish Eren were here with you to soothe your nerves.

As you turn from the edge of the forest to–quickly–make your way inside of the house, you hear the rustling of leaves behind you, making you stop dead in your tracks. You stand glued to the spot as though you were paralyzed; too scared to even breathe, let alone think about turning around to face whatever had just made that crackling noise. But something in you tells you to turn around. To turn around and take a look. Was it the inquisitive nature that resides in every human? Or was it the forest playing tricks on you again? That familiar feeling, that whispery voice, once again telling you that you don’t belong– telling you that you should turn around to see just how very much you don’t belong.

Your breathing, once quiet and nonexistent, now grows frantic. Your eyes stare wide with fear at the front door, only fifty or so feet away. If you make a break for it now, maybe you’d be okay. Maybe you’d find Eren inside and you’d get the answers you had come here for. And maybe, just maybe… everything would end up being alright. But you don’t– your feet stay exactly where they are, as you hear that little voice in the back of your mind once again telling you to turn around. You feel your heart pounding in your chest so rapidly, you feel that it may actually beat right out of your chest, as you reluctantly swallow your fears and will yourself to turn around.

The first thing you notice are the piercing jewel-toned eyes, so intense and radiant in their emerald color that they almost seem to glow against the dark outline of the trees. The second thing you notice, as the animal inches closer to you, is that you’ve somehow stumbled into a nightmare and are now looking straight into the eyes of a massive wolf. The sheer size of it nearly makes you topple over as you feel your breathing once again stop. Its fur is the same dark color of the tree trunks that lay behind it and the tips of its ears–now alert–fade into a strange luminescent gold. If it weren’t for the luminous quality of the green and gold on the giant beast, you may not have even noticed it at all.

Besides the previous crackling of leaves that had alerted you to its presence, it was now dead silent– noiseless and stealthy as its eyes unnervingly zero in on you. Your chest fills with an intense primal fear, one that could only be described as your body’s way of telling you: You are in danger. If the beast wasn’t going to do it, you were sure that the fear you felt in your heart would surely be the cause of your untimely death.

Are wolves normally this big? That question rings in your mind as you begin to grow frantic, hands shaking and teeth quietly chattering. Everything that you have ever read regarding what one should do when encountering a wild animal seems to vanish from your memory as you stare straight into the feral eyes of this wild beast. Only one thought seems to remain: Run.

And so you do. Without thinking and with as much strength as you can muster, you turn on your heels and run as fast as you can to the sanctuary that lay behind you. You hear your heart beating frantically in your chest while thick paws move against the dirt; the beast now moving from its position to chase after its new target. But all you can focus on is one thing– getting to safety.

You tightly grasp the keys in your shaky hand, ready to open the front door to your safe haven, when you find that it’s somehow already open. You don’t question it, though, and instantly burst through. Hurrying in, you try to shut the door close, but the massive animal pushes its way in and you let out a terrified scream. Quickly and without even thinking, you throw the bookcase next to the door on top of the wolf, hoping to trap it–or hell, to even just slow it down–until you can get to a room and lock yourself inside. You hear a small yelp as the wooden bookcase falls on top of its body, only to then hear the sound of rustling books come a moment later as you make your escape, letting you know that, unfortunately, the wolf has also escaped.

You’re halfway up the stairs by now, though, and all you can think is: Keep moving. A small growl suddenly fills the air, and it is one that oddly sounds frustrated and almost… human? But you don’t give it a second thought as you quickly make your way to the master bedroom at the end of the hall and shut the door with whatever strength your body still has. With shaky hands, you lock it instantly before slowly backing away.

It’s only at this moment that you become aware of the fact that tears are running down your face, staining your warm cheeks with a cool sensation. You wonder just exactly when you had started crying during this whole ordeal, as you also become aware of how violently your body was shaking from the threat right outside the door. It was as though your body had put everything–every feeling, every reaction–on hold while face-to-face with your death, only to now resume everything all at once. You hold your hand over your mouth, hoping to quiet any noises that you’re sure you’re making, but it’s no use as you still hear your quiet sobs through the tight grasp. Another sound, however, instantly disrupts your crying, while simultaneously also destroying your false sense of security.

You hear the beast from down the hall begin to slowly make its way closer to you; the soft pads of its paws thumping against the wood floor. You feel your body freeze again, only being able to stare at the door with wide eyes as the noise of your impending death comes closer, closer, closer– But then suddenly, you hear the beast stumble.

Did you hear that right? Yes, you swear you heard it fall. But you aren’t able to question your hearing ability as suddenly, there’s some type of commotion out in the hall– although you aren’t able to make out what’s happening being stuck on the other side of the door. More yelping and a loud, strangled howl can be heard– It sounds as though the wolf is frantically fighting with itself. You grab your chest–feeling that your heart is surely about to fall out of it–as more vicious, bestial noises fill the air, before then suddenly, the noises stop and the beast drops to the floor. With wide eyes, all you can manage to do is stare, not daring to make a noise in the house that had just become deadly silent.

For the next several minutes, you stay glued to the spot wondering what you should do. A part of you wonders if maybe this was all just a bad dream, that maybe you would wake up any minute now to the welcoming sound of a knock on your front door, letting you know that one of Eren’s gifts was there to put a pretty, little smile on your face. But another part of you knows that that is bullshit. As badly as you want to wake up from this nightmare, you know you can’t– You know this is real and that something is outside, waiting for you. Or, at least… it had been. Was it dead? Your mind considers if you should move from your spot and open the door to take a peek outside, but that thought quickly leaves your mind as you suddenly hear it get back up. Only this time, you don’t hear the heavy thumping of paws against wood or the vicious growl of a wolf… No, instead you hear the groan of a human man emanate from the hallway.

You try to find a weapon in the room as you hear what sounds to be footsteps coming from down the hall, only to then hear them stop right as they reach the door. You hear whatever it is outside suddenly grab the key on top of the door frame and begin to fiddle with the lock, causing more tears to cascade down your cheeks as you grow more and more paralyzed by the second. You accept that this is how you are going to die. By some wolf, or some intruder… By whatever this thing outside is– You have no idea what lies behind that door, you just know that this is surely your end.

The door slowly creaks open and your mouth drops slightly out of shock, your wide eyes now staring right at the one person you had come here for– Eren. He’s fully naked with cuts and bruises littering his body; his hair disheveled and eyes more radiant than you had ever seen them. You notice that they’re the same intense green that the wolf’s had been. And all you can do is stare back in disbelief, choking out a single sob.

“Princess… I can explain.”

⋆✦⋆

→ Chapter 2

A/N: This is an old idea I had for a different character I wrote about a hundred years ago - But I'm now editing and altering it to be suitable for Eren! I’m changing a ton of stuff (and adding a ton, too! For instance, I added 2.2K words alone to this intro chapter), so it can now be way better than before <3 I’m really happy with how it’s coming along, so I hope you guys like it, too!! <3 I also never got to finish this story last time and was always upset about it, so I’m happy that I’m going to be able to finish it with my favorite boy <3 Anyways.....next chapter will be a little more fun.... if you know what I mean *wink wink*

Taglist: @princess-jaeger

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veliseraptor · 4 years ago

Note

Do you have opinions on chengyao or chengsu(Jiang Cheng and Qin Su, although you could also go for Su She if you have an opinion there)?

I have opinions on almost everything! That isn't true, there are a lot of things I don't actually have an opinion on, but I do have a lot of them.

So on this subject, the continuing adventures in Possible Jiang Cheng Ships (I guess):

Jiang Cheng/Jin Guangyao

This is one of those things where I'm so here for the concept, haven't read any fic, and have a hard time articulating exactly what I want from it. I mean, I am kind of obsessed with the coparenting energy - legitimately love that little exchange where Jin Guangyao is like "don't be too harsh to a-Ling, he's been so upset he barely ate anything" and Jiang Cheng is like "yeah sure I bet you didn't" because it's very permissive parent/strict parent but it's clear that (a) these are familiar roles that they've played before and (b) they're both comfortable with it - like, I don't get the impression that Jiang Cheng is actually upset with Jin Guangyao for arguing leniency, as it were.

(Not that I think that Jin Guangyao is always "permissive" - I think there's a combination of (a) it's a role he's good at playing (the mediator, smoothing over a conflict), and (b) it's a move he can make that'll let Jiang Cheng let Jin Ling off the hook where it doesn't just mean Jiang Cheng backing down on his own. But this is not an ask about their respective parenting styles, exactly.)

It's just...I have definite feelings, I think, about the way that Jiang Cheng actually does seem to trust Jin Guangyao with Jin Ling's welfare, at least as much as he trusts anyone who's not in his own sect. Like, Jiang Cheng is paranoid and overprotective and worries a lot, but I think he believes that Jin Guangyao will keep Jin Ling safe, right up until he's confronted with a very immediate reason to think otherwise - and for Jiang Cheng that goes a long way.

I think Jiang Cheng will let a lot of things slide if someone is good to his nephew. He has his priorities.

Anyway. I don't even know that I want them to, like, hook up or whatever. I think I just want their relationship during the time skip - how the way they relate to each other evolves over time, facilitated by their mutual connection to Jin Ling.

Although my brain is also looking at this pairing and going "humiliation kink" so I'm not quite sure what to do with that. (It isn't Jin Guangyao with the humiliation kink.)

I have these thoughts and I am compelled to share them.

Jiang Cheng/Qin Su

I'm gonna level with you - I don't quite get this one. I mean, I see that significant glance/nod/small smile as much as anyone, but I just don't quite...jive with it as a pairing? I think partly that may be because I associate it with people being nasty about Jin Guangyao, which is a pretty hard nope for me.

However, I will note that I'm deeply intrigued by the concept of Jiang Cheng/Qin Su/Jin Guangyao and now I'm wondering how much of that there is out there. I feel like there's a lot of possible configurations of that triad that I could work with, potentially.

Though I do feel like probably part of the problem is that I don't have a great sense of Qin Su's character, I don't think - I have a vague sense and definite positive feelings, but I don't feel like I have a firm handle on her general personality and motivations in a concrete way that might give me a better hold on a ship for her that's not in canon/involves relatively little character interaction (because it involves doing more work speculating on dynamics, which requires, at least for me, having more of a sense for a character).

So I guess this is all a long-winded way of saying "not necessarily opposed but I'd have to be convinced and I'm not at this point, also don't be rude to Jin Guangyao about it because that makes me sad. :("

#chengyao #chengsu #jiang cheng #jin guangyao #qin su #and i mean this is of course impacted by #the complicated relationship i think jgy has with sexuality #and jiang cheng being ace in my head #so like!#anonymous #conversating #aggressively headcanons #the sad queer cultivators show

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cosmicjoke · 4 years ago

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No Regrets: Chapter by Chapter Analysis:

1. Preface to my analysis

Okay, so, since I’ve reached the end of every published volume of SnK so far, and have to wait until October to read the last volume, I thought I’d re-read “No Regrets” and delve into some analyzation of this story, chapter by chapter.

One thing I want to start out by saying, before I get into the details, is that I think “No Regrets” is a vital demonstration of how Levi has always cared about people, and always fought for them.

One misrepresentation I sometimes see regarding Levi’s and Erwin’s relationship is when people claim that Erwin was the one to teach Levi to fight for something bigger than himself, or to fight for others. The thing is, “No Regrets” clearly demonstrates that Levi already had a strong foundation of caring for others, and fighting for others, before Erwin himself ever had any major influence over him, and I plan on getting into all the examples of that within the story and breaking them down.

First, though, there’s an important quote from Isayama from the joint interview he did with the artist for “No Regrets”, Hikaru Sugura, in which he says about Levi, in response to the question of how he pictured Levi’s internal feelings of going from a “thug” to a “soldier”, “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities. Underground, where it was all he could do to stay alive, he had to live for that, but then he started to form relationships and began to feel that he could do things for others. And that’s why he first went above ground...”

This is a hugely important quote from Isayama, because he flat out says that, even before Levi came to the surface, he’d already formed bonds with people, and already began to feel like there was something bigger than himself that he could fight for, that he could “do for others”. Isayama also says here that Underground, “It was all he could do to stay alive”, which signifies with great clarity the struggle someone would have, even someone with Levi’s great strength, of surviving and making it from one day to the next in a place like the Underground. So, for Levi, it must have already been a terrible burden, simply trying to take care of himself, and live for himself. But then he meets Furlan and Isabel, and he becomes friends with them, and despite the doubtless added burden to his own existence of having two other people relying so heavily on him for their own survival, he takes that burden onto himself, and does so with willingness and responsibility. Isayama says that “It’s that he found a place to make the most of what he could do, or rather, his own special abilities.”. Erwin didn’t instill in Levi a sense of responsibility for others, or the idea of fighting for someone other than himself. Levi already had that, had already DONE that. What Erwin did for Levi was show him the path towards maximizing the impact he could have, showing him how he could use his abilities to help the MOST number of people, not just a few people. Erwin showed Levi that he could have a significant impact on the world, that he could fight for actual, positive change for all people. Another important part of that quote from Isayama is when he says “And that’s why he first went above ground...”, because it tells us what Levi’s initial drive and intention for going to the surface was, and that was to help give Isabel and Furlan a better life. He trusted in Furlan’s plans, and went along with them, because it was what Furlan and Isabel had both expressed to Levi that they wanted to do and to have. Even here, Levi is fighting for the dreams of others.

I’ve recently read the visual novel of “No Regrets”, and while it had some good parts, it also very much underdeveloped and even at times outright misinterpreted Levi’s character in some really key ways, casting him as someone so hell bent on getting revenge on Erwin, that he is blinded to the safety of Isabel and Furlan, pressing on with his plans to kill Erwin at their expense. The worst part about this, I thought, was how it reduced the pivotal moment in which Levi chooses to go after Erwin and leave Furlan and Isabel behind to an impulsive, snap decision, in which Levi puts no thought or real consideration into it. He doesn’t struggle at all in choosing how he does, doesn’t agonize over what he thinks is the right choice, because in that moment, there isn’t even the consideration of another option, he isn’t even making a choice, really, just reacting, which entirely defeats the purpose of Levi’s character motif throughout the main series, which is that he can never know for sure what decision is the right one until after he chooses, but that he has to try and make one he feels is right, and that no matter what, he can’t allow himself to dwell on it with regret afterwards. This gets corrected in the manga big time, as do several other instances of Levi’s characterization, and I’m going to go over it in more detail when I get to that final chapter. But the choice Levi makes in the manga is much, much more nuanced, considered, and multifaceted. Here, he had laid out in his head two, distinct options, and he weighs and balances them against one another in a high pressure situation, before deciding on the one he thinks is best. He doesn’t just leave his friends, thinking only of Erwin and revenge. He’s thinking of ALL of them, and of every factor leading up to that point, and that struggle for Levi is what ends up having the affect of ultimately forming his later philosophy of never allowing himself certainty in anything, but also allowing himself leniency in whatever he chooses, knowing that he can’t be so hard on himself for the outcome, whatever it may be, that he isn’t able to move on from it, or use it to keep pushing forward and learn, so that he can do better next time. It’s important that Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” is actually presented as one made with his full consciousness, one that was a fully thought out one on his part, which is why I really disliked the way it was portrayed in the visual novel, and why I’m glad they corrected it in the manga, which is the canonically accepted version of the story either way. Because it’s a vital moment in Levi’s character development, with him learning that even when he tries his best to choose right, even when he considers every factor and every, conceivable outcome, even when he does what he thinks, in the moment, is best, it won’t always turn out that way, it won’t always turn out good, or favorably. He won’t always win. He won’t always be able to save everyone. It’s a huge moment of character growth for Levi, who makes a well thought out and considered decision, and it still results in his two, best friends getting killed. It teaches Levi that he can never have full control of any situation, no matter how hard he tries, and that, in turn, gives Levi a kind of freedom in simple acceptance. It lifts a burden from his shoulders, even as he experiences enormous grief and loss.

Anyway, I’m going to be reading the first chapter of “No Regrets” later tonight, and will give my more detailed observations in a separate post. Thanks for reading, as always guys!

2. Chapter 1: The Wings of Freedom

Okay, so here we go! Chapter 1 of “No Regrets”!

There’s a few things I want to point out about this chapter, because both visually and textually, we get a lot of information about the Underground and Levi, and his relationship with Isabel and Furlan. So I’ll just go through it.

The first thing that really caught my attention for this chapter was the opening page, which is a retrospective shot of Levi after he’s joined the SC, thinking about how he can’t ever know what the results of his choices are going to be. He says here “I trusted in my own strength... I trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned my faith...” And this quote from Levi is really important in later understanding why he makes the choice he does, at the end. He says he trusted in the decisions of comrades who had earned his faith, and that tells us that Levi believes in Furlan and Isabel, that he believes in their strength and their capability, that he believes in them enough to let them choose for themselves and trust in their judgement. We’ll obviously delve more into this as it becomes more relevant to the story. But moving on...

The next thing to catch my attention is the panels of the Underground we see. These are probably the best shots of this place we get in the whole series, as it really depicts a place that is totally run down and dilapidated, with buildings falling apart and crumbling in disrepair, filth ridden streets with literal sewage water coming out of drain pipes, and a actual cave cover overhead, complete with stalactites, blocking out all sunlight except for few and far between pockets which break through holes in the rock ceiling. The most telling panels though are the ones which depict the violence and poverty of the place. We see a panel of a homeless man passed out on the street, painfully thin looking, and under him, two men in a fight, one beating the other violently. And the next panel shows us a little girl, sitting barefoot on the ground between two men who have just blown each other’s brains out with guns. Truly, this is a violent, dark, poverty-stricken place that breeds crime and depravation. The pages before this say that BECAUSE of the splendor of the Capital city above the Underground, this place exists, and that’s accurate. Because of the excesses and decadence of the rich and well off above these people rejected by society, that means fewer resources for the less fortunate. It’s truly tragic.

Alright, now I just want to move on to some small, but telling moments here while Levi and the others are being chased by Erwin and his crew.

When Isabel is bragging about how the MP’s never learn, referring to how they’ll never be able to catch their gang, she asks Levi if what she said was cool. Levi tells her “Don’t be stupid.” This might seem like Levi just blowing her off, but the way I read it, it seems more to me like Levi is warning her not to be cocky, not to be over confident, because that’s the kind of thing that can get you killed, or caught. Big Bro indeed! We also see how mindful Levi is here as a leader, when he tells them they can’t afford to lead the soldiers following them straight to their hideout, and clearly they have a plan in place for just this sort of thing.

More importantly, Levi is fast to realize these aren’t ordinary soldiers after them, which shows his great instincts, but what’s really interesting is his internal thoughts here. His logic is telling him regular MP’s wouldn’t work this hard to catch them, and that their skill with the ODM means they must be SC. But Levi doesn’t really believe it which, given what we later find out about the deal with Lobov, and Lobov warning them of Erwin’s plans, tells us that Levi never really believed the SC would come after them. He’s clearly surprised here.

Further, after informing Isabel and Furlan and confirming his suspicions, he tells Furlan that he’s got no intention of getting mixed up with “these guys”. This tells us Levi never wanted to go through with Furlan’s plans, never wanted to join the SC, never wanted anything to do with any of it. There’s further evidenced in this very chapter, which I’ll get to in a moment. But it tells us a lot about the dubious feelings Levi had from the start, and how he probably would have simply been happiest to stay in the Underground with his friends, even though it was a hard life.

Alright, so, this next part is a big deal, and it’s an overlooked detail which speaks volumes about the kind of person Levi is. I didn’t even notice this the first time I read it, so I want to talk about it. Levi separates from Isabel and Furlan, and takes Erwin and Mike on a wild chase through the back alley’s and narrow passages of the slums. He really tries to give them the run around here, until he flips over a door, into another area. What’s really important here is Levi’s dialog. He says first “... Lost ‘em, huh?” And then he says, “That got a little crazy... I hope... none of them crashed.” This is kind of amazing. Levi is showing actual concern for the two soldiers who’d just attempted to catch him and his friends, who were doggedly pursuing them with obviously bad intentions of some kind. And Levi, after having to resort to some serious ODM skills to shake them, says he hopes that none of them crashed. He doesn’t want Erwin or Mike to get hurt, he just wants to get away from them. Considering he doesn’t know either of them at this point, they’re just nameless, faceless military dogs trying to mess things up for him, that shows remarkable character.

Of course, things go downhill from there, when Mike crashes through the door and tackles him. All bets are off then, because Levi’s life is now in danger, and when that happens, he’ll resort to physical force. Still, he only throws Mike off of him and once again attempts to get away, only for it to be Erwin who swoops down and cuts Levi’s cables. This was actually really dangerous. Given Levi’s momentum and position, he crashes hard into a nearby wall before falling to the ground. So we already see some of that ruthlessness from Erwin here. Of course, that spurs Levi into violence himself. I have no doubt that when Levi lunges for Erwin and knocks his blade away, bringing his knife to his neck, he truly intended to kill him in that moment. Levi’s compassion for these soldiers can only go so far, considering the desperation of his own circumstances. If Mike hadn’t been there to stop it, I think Levi probably would have ripped Erwin’s jugular right out, and that would have been that, lol. And then, it’s important to note too WHY Levi stops. Not because Mike was able to physically restrain him, but because he tells Levi to look around himself, directing his attention to the fact that Furlan and Isabel have been caught. That immediately stays Levi’s hand, and once again, we’re shown how Levi puts the wellbeing of his friends above himself. He could have ditched Furlan and Isabel right then and there and escaped on his own. Instead, he allows himself to be restrained and cuffed. He refuses to abandon them.

Now the next scene is hugely important to a lot of stuff.

Erwin’s got Levi and his friends down on their knees, in the sewage, questioning them about their ODM skills, and the three of them stay silent, obviously defiant. We really get a good look at Erwin’s abilities as a manipulator here.

He’s pulling the whole good cop/bad cop routine on Levi, when he tells him “I’d like to avoid any rough treatment if I can” before looking to Mike in a clear signal for Mike to pretty damn violently tear Levi’s head back by his hair before smashing his face into the sewage on the ground. And this really IS sewage. It’s not mud. If you look at the panels, we see this brown muck coming out of drain pips attached to the surrounding buildings. This water is probably, literally, dirty with feces, and Erwin has Mike put Levi’s face in this and hold it there. Now let’s remember something important about Levi. He’s a clean freak. He obviously cares deeply about keeping both himself and his environment clean. Erwin couldn’t know this about him at the time, but nobody of course would be happy about having their face shoved into literal shit. But for Levi, I can only imagine this had to be tantamount to a kind of torture. Erwin keeps questioning him, looking down at him without any kind of emotion, and Levi remains stubbornly silent, despite how awful this must truly be for him. We get a close up of Levi’s eye in one of the panels, paralleled with Erwin’s own, and Levi’s expression really strikes me as one of awful humiliation. He goes from looking up at Erwin in rage, to looking away, staring straight ahead, while Erwin keeps looking down at him.

Still, Levi says nothing, and it’s Isabel who finally cracks, telling Erwin that they didn’t learn to use ODM from anyone, with Furlan further explaining that they taught themselves as a means of survival. He remarks that “anyone who doesn’t know what sewage tastes like couldn’t understand!”. Clearly, both of them are really upset to see this being done to Levi, and I have to imagine it’s at least in part because they know how awful an experience this has to be for him, given that they know how much he desires to stay clean. Their shocked expressions when Mike first pushes Levi’s face into the sewage says as much too.

But still, Levi remains silent as Erwin then demands to know Levi’s name. What Mike does to Levi in the next panel is even worse. He pushes his face into the sewage and holds him there until Levi literally starts to choke in it, for long enough that, when he finally does pull him up, Levi is gasping for breath. I really don’t see people talk enough about this scene, but, well...

It’s a torture scene. Erwin is ordering Mike to torture Levi here. It may not be the most extreme form of torture, it isn’t the type of physical violence we typically think of when we think of torture, but that’s what it is. It’s causing Levi both physical and mental degradation, as well as physical distress.

Even with this though, Levi’s still silent and refuses to answer Erwin at all.

It’s only when Erwin literally threatens the lives of Furlan and Isabel that he finally talks. This is such an important detail. Levi was willing to take what to him must have been truly horrific treatment, but as soon as Erwin gives the signal to the other two Scouts who have hold of his friends, we see Levi’s expression shift from defiant rage to wide eyed fear as they put their blades to Furlan’s and Isabel’s throats.

Finally Levi talks, calling Erwin a “bastard”, to which Erwin simply asks him again what his name is, and after a slight hesitation, Levi finally gives it.

I think this entire scene is vital in understanding WHY Levi was so violently pissed at Erwin, to the point of wanting to kill him.

I think it’s a combination of both the humiliation and torture he puts Levi through here, and, worse still, the fact that he threatens Isabel and Furlan’s lives. Levi already feels looked down upon by Erwin here, he already feels humiliated and embarrassed and as though he’s being treated like he’s worthless, because Erwin IS treating him like that here. All while Erwin stands there, expressionless, making statements like he doesn’t want to have to use any rough treatment, etc... while at the same time ordering Mike to do just that. Already, Erwin is sending Levi the message that he’s a liar and a manipulator who thinks nothing of putting another human being’s face in shit. And then, to top that off, he shows Levi that he’s willing to hurt, maybe even kill, his two friends to get what he wants.

Is it any wonder Levi hated Erwin as much as he did at the beginning? After a lifetime in the Underground where, from the time of his birth, he had to deal with him and those he cares about being treated like worthless trash. It would be a miracle if Levi DIDN’T want to kill Erwin at this point. To have to then submit to him willingly, after all of that, must have been beyond humiliating for him.

Erwin continues to be manipulative here too, when after Levi gives his name, Erwin’s attitude suddenly shifts, and he smiles at Levi and gets down on one knee with him, in the filth, his entire demeanor seeming to shift into an abruptly friendly one as he offers his deal to Levi. Again, that whole good cop/bad cop thing. At the same time, he continues to threaten Levi by telling him if he refuses his offer, he’ll hand them all over to the MP’s and that, given their crimes, they shouldn’t expect to be treated with any kind of decency. What’s kind of funny about this statement from Erwin is that up until now, Erwin and Mike have done anything but treat Levi decently.

Okay, one more important point to make about this chapter, and it goes back to what I said earlier about Levi not wanting anything to do with the SC, and how that tells us Levi really didn’t want to go through with Furlan’s plans.

After Erwin makes his offer, we see Levi look over at Furlan, who’s giving him an intent look, and in the next panel, we see an almost surprised, or astonished look on Levi’s face, like he can’t believe Furlan is asking him to do this, before he grits his teeth in obvious frustration, and then accepts Erwin’s offer to join the SC. What this tells us is that Levi only takes Erwin’s offer because Furlan wanted him to. Because this was all part of Furlan’s plan, to go through with Lobov’s commission, to get caught by the SC, etc... It’s clear Levi never wanted this, and he’s upset at having to do it. But the fact he agrees after looking over at Furlan and seeing him implore Levi with his eyes tells us, once again, that Levi is willing to sacrifice his own desires for the desires of others. That being his two friends.

For them, he’ll join the Survey Corps, even as every one of his instincts is probably screaming at him that this is a bad idea.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for the first chapter of “No Regrets”. There’s a lot more to unpack in this manga than I think people realize. I hope whoever took the time to read my long ass post found it at least a little worth while. I’ll be moving on to chapter two next!

3. Chapter 2: One Arrow

Alright, so onto chapter 2 of “No Regrets”.

I want to talk a little about these opening panels, when Levi, Furlan and Isabel are being driven to HQ by carriage. They seem unimportant, but I think they’re actually really important in understanding Levi’s psychology going into this new situation they’re all in.

We see the interior of the carriage, with Levi and the other two, along with an escort from the SC. Furlan and Isabel are both looking out the window of the carriage, and in particular, Isabel seems incredibly excited and in awe of the passing view. She’s stood up, with her face pressed to the window. And in the next panel, we see her looking at a little girl with her mother, dressed nicely and holding a doll. This really encapsulates everything Isabel herself has probably never had. A reliable mother to take care of her, fancy clothes and toys to play with. Essentially, an actual childhood. We see Isabel’s face in the window, and her mouth is open in wonder, her eyes wide. Like she can’t believe what she’s seeing. It emphasizes the depravation and lack of privilege she’s endured all her life. Meanwhile, by contrast, Levi sits there with his head bowed down, ignoring the passing scenery, looking deeply unhappy, even depressed. When he does look up though, he sees Isabel looking out the window, and on the close up shot of him, he’s got an almost thoughtful expression, if still extremely dour. No doubt, Levi is feeling uneasy and uncertain about the situation they’ve all gotten themselves into here, but I’m also sure that he’s unable to ignore the bubbling over excitement of Isabel, her obvious joy in being, at last, on the surface. I’ll get more into this later in the post, when we see Levi really considering his friends and their dreams, and how it influences and dictates his own decisions.

But first lets talk a little about Erwin and his role in all of this.

Now at the time this series came out, Erwin’s actual, motivating reasons for doing what he does weren’t yet known, so it’s interesting to read into his actions in this story with that context. I have no doubt that Erwin really DOES care about humanity, and wants to fight for it, and its salvation. But as we come to learn from the main series, he places his own dream of proving his father right about the existence of human’s beyond the walls above what’s best for humanity, and it puts his actions in this story into an interesting, if harsher light.

No doubt, Erwin is a master manipulator. He plays both sides expertly against the middle in this story, and I’ll get more into it by the end, when his actual plan is revealed to Levi. But what I don’t see often discussed is how, exactly, Erwin got all the parts moving in the direction he wanted, to obtain a specific outcome, and how he pretty ruthlessly uses so many people as pawns to do so. It’s obvious from the context of what we later learn in the story that Erwin first spread a rumor about having evidence against Lovof stealing funds in order to force him into tipping his hand by trying to make a preemptive move. What I see people miss all the time, or at least, fail to discuss, is how Erwin also, at the same time, made it public knowledge within the Capital, that he would be going after a group of thugs in the Underground who had shown exceptional skill using ODM gear, and that he would be making contact with them as soon as possible to try and enlist them into military service, and how Erwin made these plans public specifically to encourage Lobov into seeking out Levi and his friends for the exact purpose of both implicating Lobov in a crime, and gaining Levi’s and his friends strength for the SC. One, by hiring a group of criminals to steal from Erwin and attempt to assassinate him, so he could use that as leverage in case he wasn’t able to obtain proof of Lobov’s further criminal activities, thus having two means of getting rid of one of the SC’s biggest threats, and at the same time, also manage to score for the SC the exceptional skill of Levi and his friends through forced enlistment. He even says to Zackely at one point “I intend to make use of anyone who has even the smallest potential during this expedition.”. Erwin manipulated and had control of this entire scenario from the start, and from behind these scenes moved all of these people exactly how he wanted to, to achieve his goals. That’s pretty impressive, but also pretty scary. Well, I’ll talk more about all of that when we get to it later on.

Back to Levi and his friends though.

We see them arrive at the SC HQ, and a really important conversation happens between Levi and Furlan.

Furlan seems like he’s almost bitten off more than he can chew here, beginning to express his concern to Levi about what joining the SC actually means, before Levi cuts him off, telling him he’s got no intention of enlisting, and that he only agreed to come along so that he could get closer to Erwin and then kill him. I think Levi genuinely felt murderous towards Erwin at this point, and really means what he says here, at least about killing him. Though given the end of chapter 1, with the significant look shared between Levi and Furlan, and Levi’s begrudging acceptance of Erwin’s offer, it’s obvious that Levi also agreed to come because that’s what Furlan wanted him to do, to give them the opportunity they needed. Levi’s just feeling incredibly emotional here, I think, with the way Erwin treated all of them hot on his mind. Furlan tries to implore Levi to forget about killing Erwin, that it isn’t necessary anymore because of his own plan, and the almost certainty that Lobov and his people won’t ever try to make contact with them again. He tells Levi, if he just listens to him and follows his plan, “I know it’ll work. Trust me, Levi.” Furlan asking him to trust him pulls a meaningful look from Levi, seeming to break through Levi’s angry insistence on killing Erwin. This is where the manga improved on Levi’s characterization and motivation by leaps and bounds over the visual novel, because in the next few panels, we see Levi walking away, with Furlan calling after him, concerned, but we get to see Levi’s inner thoughts, and he’s remembering specifically Furlan insisting to him that “one day, we’ll get outta this trash heap and live up above.” We see Levi thinking about Furlan’s hopes and dreams in these panels, and he has a saddened, and guilt-ridden look on his face, like he feels bad about having dismissed Furlan’s plans back there in favor of his own plans for revenge. We didn’t get any of this in the visual novel, instead the text there making Levi look like he refused to consider anyones position but his own in this whole situation. But here, Levi is clearly concerned with and considering Furlan’s desires.

We go into a flashback then, with Furlan explaining to Levi his plans, telling him that “nothing’s gone according to plan... But with you here we’ll really be able to raise hell.” Furlan’s trying to explain to Levi that since he now has Levi’s strength to rely on, they can actually get something done once they get into the Survey Corps. It almost seems like Furlan’s been planning on trying something like this, or at least, had some sort of loose plan about getting to the surface, even before he met Levi. It’s obviously something he’s been dreaming about for a long time.

Then Isabel comes back, and she’s been roughed up and assaulted, and we learn from Furlan asking her if she went to see those “low-life scumbags again?” that this has obviously happened to her before, that she’s been associating with some bad people and it’s gotten her hurt. She denies it and lies about having just tripped, but clearly neither Levi or Furlan are buying that. Levi asks Isabel what happened to her hair, and Isabel reacts badly, running away and hiding in her room. We get a close up of Levi holding a knife in his hands, foreshadowing his own intentions. Later that night, Furlan hears Isabel crying in her room, and her chanting to herself over and over that she’s going to “kill you”, presumably meaning the men that hurt her earlier. Furlan stands there lamenting that he thinks both Levi and Isabel are going “mad”, and that all they can think about is dragging everyone else down to where they are. He’s obviously terrified that he’s going to lose both his friends to the savagery and ruthlessness of the Underground, that both of them are going to end up becoming lost to their own anger and pain. He starts to say “That’s why I...” before Levi suddenly comes back in, holding a bloody knife, clearly having returned from exacting revenge on the men who hurt Isabel. Furlan asks Levi “Did you kill them...?”, and Levi doesn’t answer, but we see a completely resigned, even sad look on his face. This of course is the world Levi comes from. It’s the world he was raised in. A world of kill or be killed. Levi must have figured, if he didn’t go out and kill those men that had hurt Isabel now, then someday, they would end up going too far with her, and kill her instead. But Furlan clearly doesn’t understand, and doesn’t relate to that kind of mindset, despite coming from the Underground too. Of course, Furlan wasn’t raised by Kenny the Ripper either. This is how Levi was taught to deal with his problems, and Furlan can only see him spiraling into an abyss from which he fears Levi won’t return.

We cut back to the present then, and Levi is sitting up on the roof of the SC HQ, again remembering Furlan’s words about “This is our chance. Trust me.”. Getting to the surface and finding better lives for themselves is Furlan’s dream. The fact that Levi keeps remembering it, keeps remembering Furlan insisting and pushing the idea of the possibility of living on the surface, shows that this is probably something he would talk about all the time with Levi, trying to get him to agree to it, to believe in it. Once again, Levi is contemplating the hopes and dreams of his friends. We get another close up of him holding a knife, and it represents, I think, his struggle between his desire for revenge against Erwin, and his desire to help Furlan realize what, to Levi, is probably an unrealistic goal.

We then get Furlan and Isabel joining Levi, commenting on how beautiful the night sky is, and asking Levi how he could keep it to himself. Levi snips testily at Furlan that him and Isabel are so loud, that he’d be too irritated to get any killing done, and then Furlan looking clearly unsettled by the remark. But it’s obvious, given the context of the previous panels of Levi’s thinking about Furlan’s dream, that Levi is just being peevish and saying things out of frustration and confusion. He doesn’t really mean what he says here. He’s taking his frustration out on Furlan by saying what he knows will upset him the most. What this also tells us is that Levi is very much aware of how bothered Furlan is by Levi’s willingness to kill. He isn’t at all oblivious to it, and given his resigned, saddened expression after coming back from killing the men who assaulted Isabel, I would say Levi even understands Furlan’s dismay. That’s a glimpse at Levi’s famous compassion.

The next panels show the three of them bonding, sitting together and admiring the night sky. Isabel asks Levi if the stars are as pretty as where he used to live. I’m just going to chalk the mistake in continuity here up to this manga coming out before, I believe, Levi’s backstory of being born in a brothel in the Underground was established by Isayama. Regardless of this mistake, this is an important moment between the three of them. You can see the awe and wonder they all feel, looking up and seeing the sky fully for what has to be the first time in all their lives. Remember, all three of them have lived literally underground their entire lives, with little to no sunlight, stagnant, stale air, hideously unclean living conditions, etc... It must be overwhelming to them , just to see nature in all its splendor like that. It’s after sharing this moment together that Levi tells Furlan that he’s decided he won’t kill Erwin for now. He looks at him and says “I’m going to trust you.”. And Furlan smiles at him, clearly happy and relieved. This scene is really important, because we’re seeing Levi choose Furlan’s dream over his own desire for revenge. We see Levi place Furlan’s desires over his own, which is totally in line with how Levi is in the main AoT storyline. He decides his revenge can wait, that it’s not as important as helping Furlan achieve his goals. What’s particularly remarkable about this, I think, is that it doesn’t appear that Levi ever dreamed of going to the surface himself, and likely that he never even considered it a possibility. So just like Levi fights, later on, for a world without fear and violence, for humanity’s salvation, even as all his life experiences tell him it likely isn’t possible, we see the Levi doing the same here, deciding to fight for his friend’s dream, even as to him, it seems unrealistic. It’s obviously a pivotal moment too, when Levi tells him he’s going to trust him, because this ties in hugely with the theme which applies so much to Levi throughout the whole series, of never knowing if it’s better to rely on himself solely, to trust himself, or to trust and rely on his friends and their capabilities. Levi chooses, here, to trust in his friends, and that will obviously have it’s own ramifications down the line. Again, this is an area in which the manga improves radically over the visual novel, which had no instances whatsoever of Levi struggling with the question of the choices we make, which is absurd, since it’s one of the driving factors behind who Levi is, and how he ultimately came to see the world as he does. It was precisely this struggle between choices, between trying to choose correctly, giving so much thought and effort to our choices, and still sometimes coming out wrong, that shaped Levi into being able to accept his lack of control and instead of regretting it, using it to keep fighting.

4. Chapter 3: ... Of Revolution

Okay, so on to chapter 3 of “No Regrets”!

I’ve got a few observations, so I’ll just delve in.

First thing, and once again, I found this a huge improvement over the visual novel, but we get more insight here into the reason Erwin was so intent on recruiting Levi. During the scene in which he’s arguing with the other squad leaders about letting a group of “criminals” into their organization, Erwin pushes back against the other scouts deriding Levi and his friends. I really loved Erwin’s line here, where he says “You’re right. These people had no training. They did not earn wings from us. They grew their own, out of necessity.” This shows us that Erwin has a grasp and an appreciation for the hardship Levi and his friends faced while growing up, while most of the other SC leaders and even regular recruits can only look down on them and see them as gutter trash. This shows Erwin’s own scope of vision, his ability to look past a person’s upbringing and background and not make judgments about them based on that. More telling still is his comment about how “those wings will play a part in revolutionizing this organization.”. He wanted Levi’s skills in particular because he knew having someone like Levi around, with exceptional ability, would shift the way they all fight Titans. He was, as always, looking for ways to increase the effectiveness of the SC, and was willing to do whatever he could, and through any means necessary, to ensure it.

The next thing that caught my attention is the glare Levi and Erwin share during the trio’s introduction to the rest of the soldiers. Erwin’s right in front of Levi, standing there, reminding him of his anger and humiliation no doubt, and I think that leads directly into and impacts the next scene, when Flagon shows them their sleeping arrangements. Levi’s already no doubt irritated by having to see Erwin again, and then Flagon makes his frankly deeply disparaging remark about Levi and his friends having spent their whole lives living in a trash heap, implying that they’re filthy gutter trash, and so surely are incapable of keeping themselves and their environment clean. Levi, understandably, reacts badly to this, and gets in Flagon’s face, asking him what he just said, before Furlan intervenes. When you consider the way Erwin already made Levi feel so humiliated and Levi’s subsequent anger at it, then having to see Erwin again not long before this scene, and hearing Flagon just callously make an accusation like that must have only infuriated Levi more. I think, once again, the manga is doing an infinitely better job of portraying the tension, then, that’s starting to form between Levi and Furlan. Furlan scolds Levi after Flagon leaves, almost talking down to him when he says “Didn’t I tell you not to cause trouble?!”. Almost like he’s talking to some misbehaving little kid. Levi’s expression in the following panel says a lot, I think. Levi looks almost chastised, like he knows he’s upset Furlan, before he tries to explain himself, asking Furlan “Didn’t you hear how he talked about us? Like shit calling shit dirty.”. It’s really interesting what this says about the power dynamic in their relationship. Levi is ostensibly the leader of their group, but Furlan’s acting, in a lot of ways, like he’s the one in charge and he expects Levi to fall in line. Clearly, he’s not afraid of scolding Levi, or challenging him. All of Furlan’s insistence that they lay low and not do anything to draw attention to themselves must only be chaffing though at Levi’s already heated feelings about the kind of treatment they’re receiving, how they’re being talked down to, etc... It must be galling to him, to see Furlan not seeming to care that they’re all being so deeply disrespected. But he still continues to defer to Furlan, and agree to go along with his plan for now, though he makes his displeasure known by calling it a pain in the ass.

But seeing Erwin, and then being treated the way they were by Flagon, seems to have rekindled Levi’s desire to take his revenge, and he reminds Furlan that he’ll continue to go along with his plan, but that he’s still going to kill Erwin. Once again, we see Levi being pulled in two different directions. He’s giving priority to Furlan’s plans and wishes, but he’s still thinking about getting Erwin back. He’s annoyed that they weren’t assigned to Erwin’s squad, probably because it means it’s going to limit their contact, giving him less opportunities to kill him. Another line that I think signifies Lev’s annoyance at Furlan and how, well, dismissive he is of Levi’s own feelings, is after he tells them they have to clean the area around their beds before leaving for training, and in response to Isabel’s protests, he says “You wouldn’t want me to cause trouble, would you?”. He’s throwing Furlan’s words back in his face here, and it seems clear to me that Levi is frustrated and doesn’t appreciate the way Furlan’s been talking to him, or how little consideration for his own wishes he’s shown. There’s a lot of tension there.

Another really important scene is the one in the training yard, so I’ll got through it here.

Particularly when Isabel is talking to the Scout helping her with horse riding, and they get to talking about life in the Underground, and then Levi. What Isabel says, and the visual of the panel here, is particularly powerful. She says “It got so I thought I was gonna die. But life’s a little better since Levi saved me from that.”. And we see in the panel Levi lifting Isabels’ head up, obviously checking if she’s alive. There’s all these people, collapsed around her, and the fact that Levi is checking to see if she’s alive is interesting, because it makes me think this is something Levi would regularly do. That he would check to see if anyone was alive when he came across people collapsed in the streets. It’s probably not unusual to come across dead bodies in the Underground, and for someone like Levi, who’s lived there all his life, he’s no doubt seen plenty. The fact he checks Isabel shows a lack of callousness towards the sight, which is incredible, to not become uncaring or apathetic towards suffering, even when you’re surrounded by it your whole life. It’s a highly unusual quality to have, but of course, it makes perfect sense for Levi, who’s so full of compassion.

Nevertheless, it would have been simpler for him to just keep moving and ignore her, but instead he stopped, and when he discovered she was still alive, he took her in and gave her food and shelter and a home. She would have died otherwise. Levi had no obligation towards her, he had no, really good reason to do something so selfless, and yet, he did. And this truly is remarkable, especially when you consider the kind of cut throat world Levi grew up in, the kind of ruthless people he’d encountered, and even lived with, like Kenny, all his life.

Then there’s Furlan’s discussion with another soldier, and his story about Levi. The most interesting thing Furlan says here is how, after his own friends turned on him, he’s followed Levi ever since. And then he says “Though it might be problematic making him any kind of leader!”. It’s interesting what this reveals to us about Levi. People want to follow him because he’s so strong, but Levi himself has no desire for power, or control over others. People willingly attach themselves to him, because they think Levi can protect them, but Levi isn’t any kind of natural leader. So we know Levi was more or less forced into the role of leader by way of others seeking him out and assigning him that role. What’s interesting about this is how it, once again, reveals the kind of person Levi is. He could easily have rejected all of these people and abandoned them. One thing we know is that Levi didn’t need any help surviving on his own in the Underground. But instead Levi allows them to stay with him and willingly offers his help and protection, and though it’s probably more of a pain and a nuisance to him than anything else. It shows that Levi’s never been able to turn away from those seeking his help.

Which leads nicely into the next scene.

I’ve talked about this scene before, and how disappointed I was that they didn’t include it in the OVA. This also wasn’t included in the visual novel, which is, once more, just another way in which the manga is superior.

Flagon is once again criticizing Levi for holding his blades “wrong”, telling him he’s going to end up getting killed outside the walls. And then the training exercise begins, and we see one of the other soldiers trying to compete with Levi, and growing increasingly incensed and annoyed at Levi’s prowess. He thinks “These vagrants with no knowledge as soldiers...” and then “I trained half to death, and these criminals think they’re better?!”. What’s interesting is to see that while this soldier is fuming internally over Levi’s perceived slight of him, glaring at him angrily, Levi clearly hasn’t even taken notice of him. This isn’t a competition to Levi at all. He’s just there to do the exercises. He’s staring straight ahead, blank faced as always.

Now what happens next is once more hugely revealing as to Levi’s character. The infuriated soldier decides he’s not going to accept that Levi’s better than him, and so he intentionally pushes off of a tree and cuts Levi off mid-flight. What struck me about this is how incredibly dangerous it was. Levi’s going, presumably, full speed, through this obstacle course, and this dude, out of petty jealousy, cuts him off by flying right in front of and past him, forcing Levi to pull back and change direction. A stunt like this could have easily resulted in serious injury for Levi, or even death, if he weren’t as gifted as he is. To top it off, this soldier then brags about it, calling out to Levi “Don’t get left behind!”. Of course, his arrogance leads to immediate disaster, as the soldier that went through the course before lost one of their blades in the dummy Titan, and this dude’s flying towards it at top speed, with no way to stop himself or change direction in time. He’s about to be impaled by a blade. Considering the danger he’s just placed Levi in, then, it truly is a testament to Levi’s goodness, that he launches off the tree he’s stopped on, racing ahead and slicing the stray blade free before the other soldier can make contact, resulting in him harmlessly crashing into the pad, instead of dying. This really shows how Levi’s first instinct is always to help others. Even when others have just not only treated him badly, but even endangered his life. He doesn’t owe this soldier anything, and by all rights should be extremely pissed at him for his petty display before. But instead Levi just automatically reacts to his life being threatened by saving the man. He doesn’t even scold him afterward or express anger, just flies off and continues the course.

What makes this whole thing kind of sad is both the soldier’s and Flagon’s reaction to this. The soldier is still angry and upset over Levi’s superior ability, wondering how he can be so fast, not even sparring a thought of appreciation for him just saving his life. And then Flagon grudgingly admits to Levi’s fighting prowess, but continues to doubt him and his ability to stay disciplined. Even after saving one of his own men’s lives, he still continues to look down on Levi. That’s pretty messed up. Levi glares back at him after, as if to say “Who’s the one who’s going to get people killed out there?”. Levi saved a soldiers life, while Flagon could only sit and watch. It’s interesting too how this, tragically, foreshadows what’s to come though, with Levi not being able to save the people he cares the most about. But we’ll get into that when we get there.

Also, just gotta mention also the way Levi reacts to Isabel’s getting upset after he bonks her in the head and calls her stupid. He looks surprised when she starts crying, and it’s clear he didn’t mean to actually hurt her feelings, and it’s just really sweet, the way he rubs her head after. He obviously felt bad.

5. Chapter 4: Proof

Alright, just a few things to say about chapter 4 of “No Regrets”.

One thing that I love that was in the manga that, once again, wasn’t in the visual novel, was Levi’s reaction as they ride out from Shinganshina, as well as Furlan’s and Isabel’s. This kind of internal exploration of these characters who had never been to the surface, who had spent their whole lives in darkness, getting to see the sky for the first time, was something that was entirely absent from the visual novel, and it’s one of its biggest weaknesses. But here, we see Levi looking up at the stone structure of the wall gate, and for a moment, he imagines the ceiling of the Underground, before they emerge out into the open and the full view of the sky appears for the first time. Levi squints up at the glaring sun, and we see an expression of genuine awe and amazement on his face, as well as Furlan and Isabel. This is the first time any of them have experienced anything like this, and the overwhelming beauty of it for them is wonderfully visualized here. The way Levi goes from seeing the claustrophobia and imprisonment of the Underground, and how that opens up into a clear, blue, ending sky, really symbolizes him experiencing for the first time in his life a kind of freedom he’s never before had. And there’s something incredibly moving, but also incredibly tragic about that.

Now another point I want to address, where the manga and anime both differ from the visual novel, in a really vital way, is how here, we see Furlan lamenting that they’ve left the walls, saying “This is terrible. I never meant to leave the walls. If we’d followed the plan, we would have grabbed them and snuck away by now!”. This shows that they’ve been looking for the documents in vain for several months now, and still have yet to find them. Furlan’s plan had obviously originally been to find them and then get out of dodge, but because they weren’t able, they ended up having to wait around longer, until the time came for the expedition. Now how this is presented in the visual novel really struck me as horrifically out of character for Levi. In the novel, it’s explained that the reason they haven’t left is because Levi kept insisting that he had to kill Erwin, refusing to leave until he could do so, and if not for that, Furlan would have forgotten about the documents and simply had them all desert the SC, back to the Underground. Levi intentionally ignoring the safety of his friends for revenge on Erwin really goes against everything we know about him from canon, and was a pretty glaring detail, so I’m glad they nixed that here. There’s no mention of Levi forcing them to stay because of his need for revenge, but rather an implication that none of them were willing to leave until they got the documents. They took this a step further in the OVA even, with that one scene in which Levi argues with Furlan and Isabel, insisting that if it comes to them having to leave the walls, he’s going to go alone, and he wants them to stay behind. This really is an important distinction to make in Levi’s characterization. We know he always places the safety of his comrades above all else, if he can, and tries his best to keep them alive. And the whole reason he agreed to Furlan’s plan in the first place was because he wanted to help Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream of living up above come true. He would never purposefully endanger their lives, or so thoughtlessly dismiss their safety. This is something which gets further corrected later in the story, too, when Levi makes his fateful choice, and I’ll get more into it there as well. One detail though is how Levi tells Furlan not to worry, that he’ll “do something about the Titans.”. Levi clearly believes in his own strength, and believes it will be enough to protect his friends at this point, which goes back to the theme of him struggling to know which is better to rely on, oneself, or ones comrades. Here, he’s relying on himself to protect them. He asks Furlan “Don’t you trust me?”. He’s reminding Furlan that he’s never let him down before, and he promises he won’t now either.

We see Furlan later finding that full trust again, when Levi engages with the abnormal titan, and sees his fearlessness, giving him his own strength to fight. It speaks volumes about the kind of camaraderie shared between all three of them, that they’re able to work so smoothly and effectively together the first time any of them have ever fought a Titan, and how deeply Furlan and Isabel trust Levi to get them through any dangerous situation, as they willingly follow him into battle.

6. Chapter 5: Hearts

Alright, onto chapter 5 of “No Regrets” and then I’ll do the last three chapters tomorrow.

The first thing I took note of was how after everyone gets to the castle ruins, Levi reminds Furlan and Isabel that they’re still outside the walls, and that anything could happen, so they should “stay sharp.”. Once again we see Levi being concerned with the safety of his friends, remind them not to put their guards down. This leads into the next scene, where Furlan remarks that he never thought they’d be able to stop a titan so easily, and reaffirms his faith in Levi’s strength by saying as long as Levi’s with them, they’ll survive somehow. Levi responds to this with some self-doubt, which is really interesting and will tie into some other observations I’ve made about this chapter, later on. He says if there’s more than one of those abnormal titans, he’s not so sure they’ll be alright. Clearly, he’s concerned for the wellbeing of his friends while they’re on the outside like this. He doesn’t feel totally confident.

He then asks Furlan if he’s sure Erwin’s brought the documents with him outside the Walls, which tells us that they’ve obviously had previous discussions about this, that it was a group decision between them, of the necessity of leaving the walls in order to get close enough to Erwin to get the papers. Furlan says he made sure, talking about how he searched Erwin’s office top to bottom, observing that he found a bunch of unrelated documents, and in particular, a locked drawer which he found suspicious. Now what I find interesting here is Furlan’s internal thoughts, because I think he realized Erwin’s intentions already, but he dismissed his suspicions based on them seeming unlikely to him. But in his memory, he thinks, when he sees the locked drawer, that it’s almost like it was made to be searched, and upon opening it, he finds plenty of secret looking documents, but not the ones they need. He then wonders if Erwin is trying to tell him that they’re not there. What’s so interesting about this is just how deep is shows Erwin’s manipulation of this situation actually goes, and how many steps ahead he actually is. We saw in chapter 3 how Erwin was standing at his office window, observing Furlan, which tells us that he was always aware that Furlan was going to try and find the documents, which in turn lead to Erwin arranging his office to nudge Furlan in the right direction, of thinking the documents aren’t anywhere at HQ. Furlan picks up on this possibility, that Erwin is in fact manipulating them, wondering to himself if Erwin WANTS him to think he has the papers on him, giving him the “run around”, but he dismisses the thought out of hand a moment later. What this tells me is just how in control Erwin is here, and it made me think that it’s possible Erwin influenced Furlan’s thinking in this direction, to assuming Erwin had the papers with him, as a means of keeping him, Levi and Isabel there in the military longer, delaying their escape, so that he could intentionally force them outside the walls on an expedition, so he could see what they were actually capable of. At the end of chapter 4, after seeing Levi take down that abnormal titan, he observes to himself, “So your wings are the real thing, after all, Levi.”. This is just speculation on my part, but given what a masterful manipulator Erwin really is, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was his plan the whole time, knowing Levi and his friends wouldn’t and couldn’t leave until they had the documents.

Alright, next observation. It’s kind of funny how, after laying out his plan to search Erwin’s bags with Isabel, and asking Levi to guard the passageway Erwin went down with Shadis, and to stop him if he started to come back before they were finished, Levi’s first assumption is that he should start a fight with Erwin, lol.

More interesting is when Furlan says to Levi “Don’t kill him, even by accident. After all, if we lose an officer outside the walls, we’ll be in trouble, too.”. Because it tells us that they weren’t ever planning on killing Erwin outside of the walls when they went out on expedition. The goal was to try and find the documents, and hoping going beyond the walls would yield an opportunity to do so. This is another, vital change from the visual novel. In that, Levi is still obsessing over killing Erwin, over any consideration for the original plan, ranting even that he’s going to make Erwin get down on his knees and beg for his life before killing him, and that just struck me as wildly out of character for him. They wisely took out that entire piece of dialog here, and instead we lead into a scene of Levi guarding the passageway, and remembering the whole reason for why he agreed to come to the surface in the first place. We go into a flashback of Lovof’s messenger making contact with Levi and the others, propositioning them with Lovof’s commission. What’s really important in this scene is Levi’s initial reaction to the proposal. He’s immediately skeptical and disbelieving, and doesn’t want anything to do with it. He tells the messenger so, and tells him “Go back up there and I’ll pretend I didn’t hear anything.”. Levi shows great instincts here, sensing the danger present for him and his friends, and outright rejects any association. It’s Furlan, then, who steps in and shows interest in the deal, calling the messenger back. Levi’s clearly confused, but yields to Furlan’s look, and Furlan proceeds to tell the messenger that they’ll have to think about it, but that they’re interested. Levi’s clearly not happy about this, and once the messenger leaves, he begins to protest, but Furlan cuts him off and starts to lay out his plan to tail the messenger to find out who his employer is. Isabel expresses disbelief that Furlan actually means to go through with this plan, and Furlan again brings up the dream of making it out of the Underground, talking about how rare a chance it is, to actually live in the Capital, obviously trying to entice both Levi and Isabel with the notion. Levi points out that even if they get the documents, it’ll just lead to them being Lovof’s next targets, and Furlan responds with his plan to blackmail Lovof instead. Levi’s still dubious on this idea, asking Furlan if he really thinks “those pigs will care about a threat from the Underground?”, and Furlan responds that it’s worth a shot. He then implores Levi and Isabel again, saying “Come on, you two, don’t you want to make it up there?”, and we cut back to Levi in the present, contemplating Furlan’s words. Again, we see Levi thinking long and hard on Furlan’s dreams here, over any thoughts he has of Erwin or revenge. He’s prioritizing Furlan’s wishes over his own still, thoughts occupied by what his friend wants.

Now, this leads into a really interesting and meaningful encounter with Erwin.

Well, the first thing I notice in the exchange is when Erwin calls Levi’s friends his “subordinates”, and Levi responds with “They’re not my subordinates…”. This tells us so much about how he views himself in relation to Furlan and Isabel. He doesn’t see himself as their leader. He doesn’t want to control them. He just sees himself as their friend, and protector.

Now the conversation between Levi and Erwin gets really interesting when Erwin starts talking about having seen Levi take down the abnormal titan from earlier, and he observes that with a natural like Levi around, the others must feel safer. Levi looks at Erwin with wide eyes, before responding to him that the reason he was able to figure out how to fight that titan before was because he watched how it moved as it ate another soldier. I think Levi’s feelings of guilt here are pretty obvious. He feels bad for having watched another soldier die, and using his observations while watching to figure out how to kill the titan. It’s like he’s arguing with Erwin here, telling him the others shouldn’t feel safer with him around, that they shouldn’t rely on him. Levi is showing doubt in himself here, again, just like earlier when he pushed back again Furlan’s claims that as long as he’s with them, they’ll be safe. Interestingly, it’s Erwin who essentially tells Levi here that he shouldn’t feel guilty, that the SC is built on those types of sacrifices, and that as long as they’re fighting to take back the world for humanity, none of the soldiers there would feel regret for dedicating themselves to such a cause. I think this is actually the start of the turning point in how Levi views Erwin. He looks at him here with an almost astonished expression, like he’s seeing Erwin in a sudden, new light. Like he’s starting to doubt his own, initial impressions of him, and wonder if maybe he wasn’t totally right. But before he can think on it further, Isabel shows up and calls him away.

Levi then learns that Furlan and Isabel weren’t able to find the documents, essentially confirming that if they’re anywhere, they have to be on Erwin’s person, which leads to the inevitability of having to kill him if they want to get their hands on the papers. Levi’s find with this, because it’s what he wants to do anyway, even as Furlan shows continued apprehension.

And then we get the scene with Hange.

It’s pretty funny that Levi was about to gut Hange, for real, when he thought she had overheard their conversation. It tells us how far he’s willing to go though to protect his friends.

Still, this whole scene is actually pretty moving, in its way. Because Hange is really the first person to express genuine gratitude towards Levi and his friends, and treat them as genuine equals, to which we see Isabel in particular respond after seemingly being unimpressed. Even Levi seems stunned, muttering out “thanks”, like he doesn’t know what else to say as Hange heaps praise on them. It’s also funny how Furlan has to remind Levi to “be nice.”. Poor Levi just doesn’t know how to socialize.

But the important part of this scene is when Hange points out how everyone there is wanting to know how Levi was able to take down a titan so easily, drawing their attention, and Levi’s in particular, to the other soldiers watching them. Hange affirms what Erwin had said to Levi earlier, about how his presence there made the others feel safer, when she says “You’ve given them hope that humans don’t have to lose to the titans if we fight correctly.”. And we see here, I think, the first seeds being planted in Levi’s mind that he might be able to do more, that he might be able to actually help these people. He’s been told as much twice in quick succession. I think this is where Levi starts to get the idea for the first time that he might have found somewhere where he belongs. We’ll get more into this next chapter, when I talk about his conversation with Isabel. But for now, after Hange asks him again if he has any advice, he tells them he just has his own way of doing things, and he can’t teach it to anybody. When she tries to insist, he blows her off and looks away.

Furlan asks Levi, after Hange leaves, what the big deal is in just showing them some simple trick, and Levi says he doesn’t want to be responsible for the loves of anyone other than you two. This is really important, because it again tells us a lot about Levi’s psychology here. He doesn’t want to teach these people how to fight because he doesn’t want to be responsible for them getting hurt or killed. Just as he expressed discomfort earlier with what Erwin said, and his own sense of guilt over how he figured out how to fight the titan, Levi really seems to me like he’s afraid here of failing to protect others, and actually harbors deep doubts about his own ability to do so. So even as we know people tend to flock around Levi and follow him in the belief he can protect them, Levi himself is afraid that he isn’t strong enough to help them the way they want him to. It’s indicative of someone who’s experienced deep loss in their life, which we know Levi has at this point. Someone who’s afraid of making attachments because he doesn’t want to have to experience the pain of that loss ever again. And it shows a painful insecurity in Levi. He wants to help people, but he doesn’t want to end up failing them, or doing something which could lead to them getting hurt or killed. He doesn’t want to be responsible for their lives, because he’s afraid he can’t be.

Furlan tells him not to be so dramatic, and Levi doesn’t say anything in return, but we see a resigned, saddened look on his face, like he knows Furlan wouldn’t understand if he tried to explain how he feels.

Then we get Isabel’s comment about not understanding trying to take back the world for humanity, but her starting to realize the Scouts genuinely believe in what they’re doing. We see Levi’s silence again in response, but this one is more contemplative. He himself is starting to realize the same as Isabel. That these people really believe in what they’re saying. And again we go back to the first seeds of a sense of belonging starting to develop in Levi, even before his big moment with Erwin at the end. He’s starting to sense that maybe he’s found a place where he belongs, where he can actually use his abilities in a way that could make an actual difference in the world. It’s subconscious at this point, but Levi is starting to get that sense I think.

7. Chapter 6: Living Creatures

Okay, onto chapter 6 of “No Regrets”!

So the first thing I want to jump into here is, once again, something which the manga vastly improved on over the visual novel, and that was the scene following the flashback to Levi and his friends learning about the long-distance scouting formation before the expedition, and then Flagon’s instructions to them in the present. I don’t think this scene was even included in the visual novel, but it’s indispensable in understanding Levi’s mindset going into the fateful final act.

Isabel gets carried away by Flagon’s speech, and ends up saluting, expressing genuine enthusiasm for the SC’s cause, before realizing what she’s done and turning around, seeing Levi and Furlan looking back at her in silence. Furlan looks unimpressed, while Levi wears his usual stoic expression. You can’t tell one way or the other what he’s thinking, which is why the next scene is so hugely important, because we get a look into his inner thoughts.

I saw another person say not long ago that in this scene, Isabel expresses a desire to join the SC, and Levi blows her off and ignores her, only thinking about his revenge on Erwin, and to that person, I would like to ask ‘What scene were you reading?’, because that’s pretty much the opposite of what happens here. This scene reveals so much about Levi’s own, inner conflict, and how he’s beginning HIMSELF to understand and even sympathize with the cause of the SC, and the soldiers who have dedicated themselves to it. Let’s dissect it here a bit.

The scene takes place at night, before they ride out again, and Levi is sitting up with Furlan and Isabel, and he’s thinking quietly to himself. The first thing he’s recalling in his contemplation here is Sairam’s words, asking Levi if he knows how many elite soldiers have been eaten by Titans. This plainly shows Levi’s growing concern for Furlan and Isabel. The longer they spend outside the walls, the higher the risk of something going wrong, and that’s a worry that’s heavy on Levi’s mind here.

He then remembers, in quick succession, all these various interactions and the words of different people throughout his short time up here on the surface. He recalls Sairam hurling insults at him and his friends, calling them punks, and then Hange’s opposite words of encouragement and appreciation, telling them they’ve given everyone hope. He recalls Furlan’s words, telling Levi that with him there, they’ll really be able to raise hell, and then Isabel’s words, pointing out that the SC soldiers really believe their cause is worth dying for. Finally, Levi recalls Flagon’s degrading words, about how Levi and his friends have spent their whole lives in a trash heap, implying they’ll never amount to anything more than garbage, and last, he recalls Erwin’s words, how he’d seen the desire to kill in Levi during their first encounter.

All of this is hugely important to understanding Levi’s psychology, I think, and understanding his feelings of conflict and confusion, and how it ultimately plays into him making the choice he does. For Sairam’s and Flagon’s words, it’s the assumption people have made about Levi all his life, that he’s nothing but a worthless criminal who can’t do anything good for anyone, and Levi’s struggle to overcome that perception that people have of him. In contrast to that, Hange’s words are sending Levi the opposite message, that he isn’t just a worthless criminal, but someone who can actually contribute something positive and important to other people’s lives. He’s someone who can inspire hope. Something Levi’s always secretly wished he could do. And then there’s Furlan’s words, serving as a confirmation to Hange’s, in which he expresses his reliance on Levi to help make his own dreams come true, and Levi seeing himself in that role, of taking care of these two people whom he loves. And there’s Isabel’s words, a clear admiration and astonishment at the realization that these soldiers really believe in a cause bigger than themselves.

We see all of Levi’s greater hopes, his desire and wish to help other people, coming into conflict here with the way he’s been treated all his life by others, as a worthless, good for nothing criminal, and how that treatment has forced him to become the very thing they accuse him of being, someone ready and willing to kill, someone ready to commit crimes, etc… It’s Levi’s pride and anger battling with his deeper desire to protect and help others. The thing his life and his environment has FORCED him to become, against his truer nature. This is such a vital, important scene, and once again, the manga succeeds in explaining and revealing Levi’s complexity as a character, whereas the visual novel just flat out butchered it.

Now getting back to Levi’s interaction with Isabel in this scene, and the woeful misinterpretation I saw another person make one time.

Furlan is talking about how, given the complexity of the formation, they won’t be able to break ranks without being spotted, and he suggests they should just wait until they’re back behind the walls before trying to steal the documents again. Levi points out that if all three of them leave, then yeah, they’ll likely be spotted, and gives no further opinion. Already, Levi is thinking that maybe he could go after Erwin and the documents alone, thinking of taking the entire burden of the operation on himself, carrying the hopes and dreams of all of them on his shoulders alone, (which is why he later calls himself conceited and proud, having relied on his own strength entirely, instead of his friends too, ending in failure, which in turn goes back to the very beginning, with Levi’s statement about never knowing what the better option is, to rely on oneself, or on their comrades). But anyway, he doesn’t protest or try to counter Furlan when he says they should just focus on getting back alive. Isabel expresses agreement, and then says she knows the documents are important, but she also doesn’t want to get in the way of the SC and what they’re trying to do. Now here’s where the conversation gets really important in, once more, understanding Levi’s psychology.

He and Furlan look over at her, and while Levi stays silent, Furlan gets annoyed, chastising Isabel for seeming to suddenly care about the other soldiers, accusing her of only caring because Hange’s cookies were good. Furlan clearly doesn’t understand Isabel’s sentiments here, he doesn’t get why she suddenly seems concerned. He’s still focused on their own goals, and that’s all that matters to him. But Isabel begins to explain that it’s just that she’s starting to understand why the SC goes out beyond the walls, and likens it to how they felt living in the Underground, wanting to escape to the world above. She’s saying she understands that sense of being trapped, of being imprisoned, and the longing for freedom. And then she talks about seeing lots of her friends dying underground, while dreaming of making it “up there.”, and how seeing that made her feel like she HAD to get up there. It’s like Isabel is saying here that her dream to make it to the surface was strengthened by the dreams of others who never got to realize it for themselves, and that she wanted to make it to the surface, more than anything, as a way of giving the dreams of those who had died without realizing them, meaning. By making it to the surface FOR THEM. She starts to try and explain what she means, saying ‘It’s…” before Levi suddenly speaks for the first time since her monologue, saying “It’s like leaving the walls behind to kill the Titans…”

This is such a huge moment. Because contrary to what I saw this one person claim once, Levi is acknowledging Isabel’s feelings, and expressing empathy with them. He’s telling Isabel here that he understands what she means, because he feels it too. This desire to fight for freedom as a way to give meaning to the suffering of those who couldn’t escape their imprisonment. Levi, rather than ignoring or blowing Isabel off here, is relating to her. Her feelings are his own. Isabel smiles dreamily and says “Yeah.” Because Levi put her thoughts into words. She then keeps talking to Levi, starting to ramble about what she wants to do when they get to live in the Capital, how fun she thinks it would be to steal from all the “rich pigs” and use their money to buy useless junk, before she falls asleep.

Furlan then kind of bursts this bubble of reverie that Isabel and Levi have fallen into, and what he says here is, again, so important. He says “I’ve got to revise our plan. We’ll need to steal the documents before you and she start seriously talking about dedicating your hearts, or whatever.” Furlan’s perceived how Levi’s own feelings are beginning to match up with Isabel’s, how he’s starting to feel drawn to and sympathetic towards the SC’s cause, and he’s worried, because that’s not what they’re supposed to be there for. They’re supposed to be there to steal the documents so they can get a chance to live in the Capital. This is Furlan’s dream, ultimately, and he doesn’t want to lose sight of it to some unrealistic ideal. What’s so interesting here is the contrast between Levi and Furlan. While Levi is so quiet and reserved and hard to read, he’s actually showing himself to be more of the dreamer of the two, while Furlan is much more practical and less prone to fanciful, ideal notions like helping people beyond their own means.

We get one last shot of Levi gazing at Isable, thoughtfully. He’s still thinking about her words.

Alright, then comes the next big scene, with all of them outside again, to try Erwin’s new formation. We see, again, Levi’s gradually shifting opinion of Erwin already, when he remarks that Erwin’s idea is “brilliant”, once he sees how it works, expressing genuine admiration for it and Erwin’s mind. Levi still hates Erwin, and want to kill him, but we already see this desire in him starting to crack and come apart, replaced by an almost astonished curiosity instead. Like he isn’t sure what Erwin is, but he’s impressed, in spite of himself.

Then the storm comes and everything starts to fall apart.

Another, massive and vital change here in the manga from the visual novel is Levi’s reaction to the sudden storm. In the visual novel, Levi’s first and only response to it is that he can use it as cover to go after and kill Erwin, sparing no thought to the safety of his friends, or the other people in his squad. It was another instance in which I thought Levi’s characterization in the novel was just horribly butchered, and so once again, I was so glad to see them correct it here. Levi’s first response, after he, Furlan and Isabel start to lose contact with Flagon and the others, is to scream at his friends to not get separated. He's only worried about them in this moment, and wants to make sure they don’t lose contact with each other. He isn’t thinking at all about leaving them here yet. Just this small addition completely changes Levi’s motivations and priorities, leading into the fateful choice, and it’s immeasurably better characterization for him then what was presented in the visual novel. I’ll get more into it with the next chapter. So until then, thanks again for reading.

8. Chapter 7: Those Three

Okay, onto chapter 7 of “No Regrets”, and there’s really no need for me to say that this is by far the most heartbreaking chapter. I think, perhaps, the most tragic part of it all is that Levi made the choice that he did because he was actually trying to protect everyone. Now I’m going to break his choice down and get into the details of that, so let’s just dive right in.

First off, I want to talk a little about, once more, the pivotal contrasts between the way Levi’s choice is presented here in the manga, and how it was presented in the visual novel, and why, like everything the manga’s done so far, it’s an immeasurable improvement in the manga.

Basically, the way Levi’s choice in the visual novel plays out doesn’t in any way relate to his later philosophy which serves as the driving force behind Levi’s character in the main SnK series, while the way his choice plays out in the manga relates to it completely.

In the visual novel, it isn’t even really a choice at all. There isn’t any consideration or struggle for Levi to choose one way or the other. Levi acts purely on impulse, and as I stated in my analysis for chapter 6, he reacts to the sudden storm by wanting to use it as cover so he can go and kill Erwin. That’s it. That’s his sole motivation for leaving his friends behind. He puts no thought into it, he doesn’t consider the ramifications, he doesn’t seemingly care about anything at all except killing Erwin, and to hell with the consequences. Again, this is so wildly out of character for Levi, that I could hardly believe it while I was reading it. To make matters worse, when Furlan tries arguing with him and tries to convince him to stay, the writing directly contradicts its earlier statement that Levi didn’t consider Furlan and Isabel to be his subordinates by having him snap back at Furlan that he’s (meaning Levi) the one who decides, almost rubbing his higher rank in their social interactions in Furlan’s face, before just riding off without another thought. It’s just awful characterization. And, as I said, completely severs any relation of Levi’s actions here to the philosophy he later develops and adheres to so strongly in the main series, indeed, the philosophy that he lives by and which governs his actions, the philosophy that serves as his character motif. It turns it into a decision made purely through emotion, a purely selfish and thoughtless act taken, and indeed, the only lesson Levi would be able to take from that sort of impulsive decision making would be that he should put more thought into his actions in the future, because if he does that, then this sort of thing won’t happen again.

But that’s not the lesson Levi learns, and that’s not the foundation of his philosophy.

Levi’s entire philosophy revolves around him understanding and accepting that he can never know the outcome of any given choice he makes until after the fact, no matter how much effort and thought he puts into trying to make the right one, and finding a kind of freedom in relinquishing that control. It is absolutely vital, then, in order for Levi’s choice in “No Regrets” to mean anything, and for it to in any way relate to the philosophy which governs him later, for it to have been a well thought out and deeply considered choice, and that’s exactly what it’s presented as in the manga.

Now I want to break his choice down here panel by panel to get into why.

First of all, the first key difference between the manga and visual novel, is here in the manga, Furlan is the one who first points out that the situation for them is bad, because in this weather, it’s likely Erwin will get eaten by a Titan, and if that happens, they won’t be able to get the papers they’ve been after this whole time. Levi isn’t shown even THINKING about any of that up to this point. He’s only shown concern for Furlan and Isabel, wanting to make sure they stay together, and sticking himself by their sides. Furlan goes on to say here that in order to take the papers, they’re going to have to head to the center of the formation. Furlan’s the one who brings the entire subject of Erwin and the documents up here, not Levi, and this is a huge and important difference.

They hear Flagon fire the sound grenade, and realize he and Sairam aren’t far off. Furlan says they might be able to join them somehow, but then he hesitates, and says “but… Levi.”

Furlan is looking to Levi here and asking him to make a decision for their group. Do they go off together and try to get to Erwin before he gets eaten by a Titan and they lose their final opportunity to get the documents they need, or do they go and join Flagon. Furlan puts the responsibility onto Levi’s shoulders here.

Now here’s where things get really complex, and we see how truly nuanced, considered, and thought out Levi’s choice really was, and ultimately, then, why it turning out to be the wrong choice is so deeply tragic.

Furlan and Isabel both are looking at Levi, waiting for him to choose, and we get to see Levi’s internal thoughts.

The first thing he thinks in this situation is to weigh the worth of the lives of his squad and his friends against his own, and this is so exactly like Levi, and once more shows infinitely better characterization of him than what was done in the visual novel. Levi thinks here “If the three of us go, the team we leave behind will be shorthanded.” This is literally Levi showing private concern for the lives of Flagon and Sairam, knowing that if he takes Isabel and Furlan with him, those two’s chances of survival out in this weather diminish drastically. He then thinks “If I go alone, there’s no guarantee I’ll be able to find them again.” He’s considering his own chances of survival here, if he strikes out on his own. He knows that if he does, his own chances of getting killed increase. So here we see Levi struggling with whether to prioritize the lives of his squad, or himself. Ultimately, he decides to prioritize the lives of his squad. And I’ll get more into that in a moment.

But Levi continues to struggle. He tells himself “Which is it? Pick one.”, as the storm worsens around him. He’s agonizing over it. And then he closes his eyes, and he thinks of Isabel, remembers her saluting Flagon from the night before, and the understanding for the SC’s cause that she expressed, and how he himself understood it, and her sympathy, even her empathy with how they felt, saying she didn’t want to get in their way, meaning she didn’t want to compromise their mission. Levi himself has been developing an attachment to these soldiers, and an admiration and understanding of their dedication, seeing how like his own desire to fight for and protect the lives of others it is. To leave Flagon and Sairam to their fate and unprotected, then, would be both a betrayal to Isabel’s feelings and wishes, and his own. Levi doesn’t want to be the cause of Flagon’s and Saiyam’s deaths by taking Isabel and Furlan with him and leaving them by themselves. Also, in remembering the way Isabel saluted Flagon and her enthusiasm for the SC’s dedication, Levi must also have realized, if he took Isabel with him to steal from and kill Erwin, it would destroy any future chance she might have of ever joining the SC again, if that was something she wanted. To take her with him would implicate her in his crimes and rob her of that possible future.

Levi then thinks of Furlan and Isabel in the Underground, looking at him, and Furlan explaining to him his plans, his hopes and dreams of using this new found opportunity to make it to the world above and make for themselves better lives. He’s remembering Furlan, and Furlan’s reliance on him to make that dream come true. Remember how Furlan told Levi “With you here, we’ll really be able to raise hell.”. His plan always hinged on having Levi’s strength and ability in order to succeed. Levi knows, then, if he chooses to not go after Erwin then and there, and get the documents from him, Furlan’s dreams will be dashed, and Levi will have failed to help make them come true. And Levi has gone along with Furlan’s plans up to this point, against his own, better judgment, specifically because he wanted to help realize Furlan’s dream, to make it a reality. To abandon it now, after all of that, must have seemed unacceptable to Levi.

And then Levi remembers Erwin, standing over him in the Underground, superior and smug, callous and uncaring for how he’s disrupted and threatened the lives of Levi and his friends. He remembers his anger at Erwin, his feeling of humiliation and rage.

And it’s this memory, finally, after all the others, after considering the lives of Flagon and Sairam, after considering Isabel’s wishes, and Furlan’s dream, that tips the scale for Levi in deciding that he has to go alone after Erwin. It’s the weight of all those factors, the fear of letting Flagon and Sairam die, the fear of letting Furlan and Isabel down, on top of Levi’s own pain and anger, that decides it for him. If he doesn’t go after Erwin alone, if he takes Furlan and Isabel with him, Flagon and Sairam will probably die, and both Furlan and Isabel will be implicated in the crime of theft and murder. If he stays with Isabel and Furlan to join up with Flagon and Sairam, then Furlan’s and Isabel’s dreams likely go out the window.

This is no snap decision on Levi’s part. It’s a deeply considered, thought out and in many ways selfless choice he makes. And, again, that’s really what makes it so horribly tragic. Levi was really TRYING to do the right thing here, was genuinely acting in a way he thought was for the best, for all parties involved. He gave just as much, really MORE consideration to Furlan and Isabel and Flagon and Sairam than he did to himself. It was the combined weight of the interests of all the other people involved that pushes Levi towards the choice he makes, and his desire for vengeance on Erwin is just the final straw which tips the scale in that direction, not the one and only deciding factor. It is, from all angles of consideration, the best choice to make.

So Levi tells them he’s going alone, and tells Furlan and Isabel to join up with Flagon. He says he’ll get the documents, that’s the FIRST thing he’s going to do. Not kill Erwin. It’s the documents Levi is prioritizing here. And since he’s going after Erwin to get the documents anyway, he’ll also, he says, be the one to kill him. In Levi’s view, he’s being presented with a chance here to succeed in all their goals. In Levi’s view, this must be a win/win situation if he can find Erwin and do what needs to be done.

Furlan starts to protest, before Isabel cuts him off and says she’s going with Levi too, and Levi asks her, if she comes with him, who does she think is more likely to die, just him, or Flagon and Sairam. He’s reminding her here of her desire to not get in the way of the SC soldiers, of her sympathy and empathy towards them, and is imploring her to realize that going with him will leave Flagon and Sairam vulnerable. He’s telling Isabel that he can take care of himself, more than those two can. He says, specifically, If the four of you stay together, it’ll raise their chances of survival.”. He knows it’s dangerous to strike out on his own in this kind of weather, but he knows it increases his squad’s chances of survival if he does. Levi makes the decision here to place the lives of Flagon and Sairam over his own, and to support Isabel’s own feelings in the process.

And then Furlan begins to protest again, telling Levi to keep his cool and think, trying to explain that if he just waits a little while, the fog might clear up. He’s clearly afraid that if Levi goes out there on his own, he’ll get killed.

Levi asks Furlan then if he’s saying the Titans will wait until then, reminding Furlan that each moment they fail to act and go after Erwin, is another moment in which Erwin could get eaten, and risks Furlan’s dream being destroyed.

Furlan continues to protest, trying to impress on Levi how dangerous it is, to act alone, and Levi shouts back that he heard Furlan already, before insisting that he can do this by himself. And then he screams at Furlan “Trust me!!”. He’s putting the same request on Furlan that Furlan before put on Levi, asking for his trust, asking for his belief. Furlan may be ready to give up on his dream for the sake of Levi’s safety, but Levi isn’t ready to give up on Furlan’s dream for the same.

They glare at each other, and then Furlan asks “Is that an order, Levi?”, and Levi’s reaction to that question speaks volumes.

He looks shocked at it, his expression one of clear surprise and confusion.

He then asks “An order…?” like he doesn’t understand why Furlan would even ask something like that, before saying “Why does it have to come to that? I’m just… The two of you…”

This is in such sharp contrast to the way they had Levi acting in the visual novel and is, once more, infinitely superior.

It shows so plainly that Levi doesn’t want to be considered Furlan’s and Isabel’s leader, he doesn’t want to be treated as their leader. He only wants to be their friend, and for them to see him as their friend, and as someone they can depend and rely upon to always care about them and their dreams, as someone who will always fight for them and their dreams. He says “The two of you…” before trailing off, like he doesn’t know how to express any of that. But that’s what Levi is trying to say, he just doesn’t know how, as usual. He’s bad at expressing himself. He’s trying to tell Furlan that he’s going after Erwin because he’s trying to still make their dreams come true, he’s trying to support them and protect them and ensure that this entire situation they’ve gotten themselves into isn’t in vain. Levi’s expression as he looks back at Furlan here is heartbreakingly earnest. He looks open and vulnerable, as if imploring Furlan to understand.

And Furlan looks back, and finally realizes what Levi is trying to tell him. And when he realizes it, he smiles, and laughs. Because he realizes Levi is doing this for him, and for Isabel, and for Flagon and Sairam, even. He realizes Levi truly means well here, and has made the choice he has after deep thought and consideration. That this isn’t an impulsive or hotheaded choice, that he IS thinking clearly. Levi is confused by his reaction, and Furlan keeps laughing along with Isabel, before telling Levi “Fine. I’ll trust you.”, giving Levi the same regard Levi before showed him before, in agreeing to follow Furlan’s plan. Furlan chooses to trust in Levi’s decision making, chooses to trust in Levi’s own plan now. And then he tells Levi not to die, and Isabel tells him to make sure he comes back. They’re scared for him, but they’re choosing to trust him.

We get a significant panel then, as Furlan and Isabel fall back from him, and Levi looks back at them, as if still uncertain in his choice, despite all the thought he put into it. He’s still filled with self-doubt, even as Furlan had just moments before expressed belief in him. Like he thinks there’s something he must be missing, even though he’s sure he thought out every possible scenario and reason for choosing as he did.

What’s important too, in understanding Levi’s choice, is that it never once occurs to him that Furlan and Isabel could die. He thinks Flagon and Sairam potentially will, if they all leave them behind, and he thinks he himself might, if he strikes out on his own. But he never thinks it a possibility that Furlan and Isabel could. He chooses then, in that moment, to also trust in the strength of his friends. He shows absolute belief in Furlan’s and Isabel’s strength, to the point that he believes Flagon and Sairam need them, more than he does. It isn’t even a thought Levi can entertain, that him choosing to leave will put Isabel and Furlan’s lives in danger. With all the consideration he does, all the thought he puts into making the right choice, it simply isn’t conceivable to him, that his friends could die. If he had thought that a possibility, if such a scenario had occurred to him, he never would have left. He genuinely believed, if all four of them stuck together, they would be alright, even if he himself wasn’t.

A few others points of note in this chapter.

When Isabel and Furlan meet up with Flagon and Sairam again, and Sairam asks if Levi is dead, Isabel reacts violently, screaming “Of course he isn’t!! Levi will come back. Bet on it!”. This emphasizes, in a truly heartbreaking way, Isabel’s own faith in Levi, and her need to believe he’ll be alright. She insists that Levi will come back, and this builds off of Isabel’s continued refrain throughout the story of how Levi is “the strongest”, both below and above. Levi is Isabel’s hero, and she clings to his perceived strength in this moment, needing to believe in it to comfort herself over his safety.

This runs parallel then to Levi coming upon the butchered squad from the first rank, and his horrified realization that there are at least four Titans that did this, and that they’re heading back the way Levi came from, meaning right for Isabel and Furlan and Flagon and Sairam. He immediately turns around and tries in a frantic dash to make it back in time, thinking desperately to himself that there’s too many Titans, and they’ll be overwhelmed. And then he comes upon the sight of Sairam being eaten, and he cries out for Furlan and Isabel.

Truly the most heartbreaking part about this entire scene is how Levi tries so desperately to make it to his friends in time, but how he just simply isn’t near enough too, and can only watch, then, as they die. For Levi, who’s entire identity revolves around wanting to help others, to protect others, his own helplessness in this situation must be truly horrific for him. And especially, his own helplessness in watching the two people that mean the most in the world to him get eaten alive.

Another truly heartbreaking moment here is how Isabel decides, in Levi’s absence, that she’s going to take on his role as protector, and save everyone. How Isabel’s admiration and hero worship of Levi is, indirectly, what gets her killed here. She wants to be just like him, and in trying to be like him, she ends up dying. All of this happens in front of Levi. He has to watch Isabel die while trying to do the thing he’s made himself responsible for, which is protecting the lives of others. And the way she starts to call out for him, right before the Titan’s jaws close around her, is truly gut wrenching. Levi’s expression here is one of such utter horror and shock too, before it turns to sudden, murderous rage, and he tries once more to close the distance and make it in time, only to have to watch both Flagon, and then Furlan both get eaten too.

Levi thinks to himself, as Furlan’s being lifted to the Titan’s mouth “I’m going to end up letting everyone die.” Before screaming out Furlan’s name. Levi is already blaming himself, already feeling the abject weight of his failure. This is the moment when he realizes his choice was the wrong one.

Furlan, in one of the saddest moments of all, finally sees Levi and, as if to say ‘it’s okay. This isn’t your fault’, waves to him in acknowledgment.

Maybe most cruel of all is how Levi, even in the face of his overwhelming fear and horror and self-hatred, clings desperately to hope, still trying with everything he has to make it in time to save at least one of his friends. He thinks to himself “Come on, make it in time!!”, and only to make it more tragic still, he almost DOES make it in time, just barely a moment too late as he slices off the hand of the Titan that had been holding Furlan. Levi misses saving Furlan’s life by mere moments. It’s truly the definition of tragic, and beyond traumatizing.

9. Chapter 8: Choices

Alright, and now I’ve reached the final chapter of “No Regrets”, so let’s just dive right in!

There really is so much more to unpack from this story than I think people realize.

Firstly, just a few, truly devastating observations I want to talk about.

The first one being how, even after Furlan gets swallowed by the Titan, Levi still believes he can save him. The fact that he cuts the Titan open from the chest down to his sternum, and free’s Furlan’s arm, and the panels which show Levi reaching out for his hand and ripping him from the Titan’s stomach is just… so heartbreaking. The way too that he gently carry’s him back to the ground and lays him out, only to discover that his entire lower half is gone, and he’s dead, just the level of trauma you know this must be causing Levi is immense, and beyond tragic. This is one of only two, true friends in his life, and he’s so desperate to have been able to save him, that he clings on to the possibility to the bitter end, until he’s forced to face the bleak reality. Levi’s devastation is really brilliantly depicted in how he wobbles, as if his knees are weak, when he stands back up.

And then of course comes Levi’s rage, and how he takes it out on the Titans, expressing his grief and pain in the only way he knows how, through violence.

But maybe the most heartbreaking moment here comes once he’s through killing every Titan there, and he starts to stumble away, and his foot comes into contact with Isabel’s severed head. This is, once more, another area in which the manga improved hugely over the visual novel.

Levi’s reaction here is just… the most heartbreaking thing ever. The way he stares when he realizes he’s looking at Isabel’s head, and then falls to his knees, his overwhelming grief here is just so beautifully depicted in these panels, as he reaches out a hand to cover her eyes, and then slides them closed, in an attempt to give her some sort of dignity in death. The way he can’t even look at her, just doubled over in his grief, just killed me to see. It’s so unspeakably sad, and conveys to us readers the true depth of Levi’s despair, I think.

And then we move on from this horrific grief, to the climactic moment of the story, when Levi and Erwin again come together, and we see Levi’s overwhelming rage. Again, this entire scene was a massive improvement over the visual novel. Well, for starters, in the visual novel, they had Levi cut Erwin’s horse down to bring him to the ground, and again, that’s just so out of character. Luckily, they fixed that here too, with Levi simply leaping up and dragging Erwin off his horse.

These panels really are amazing too is showing Levi’s intense rage, as he warns Mike to back the hell off, and brings his blade to Erwin’s neck.

What’s really interesting here is what Levi says.

After the struggle of the choice he made, before Furlan and Isabel were killed, after giving so much consideration and choosing based largely on their own dreams and wishes, Levi tells Erwin here “I’m going to kill you, you bastard. That’s why I’m here.”. And Erwin responds, after studying Levi a moment, “So they… all died? I see.”. Erwin gleans here, both from Levi’s words and expression, that his friends have died, and what he says indicates that he knows the only reason Levi hasn’t tried to kill him before now is because Furlan’s and Isabel’s own well being and their own dreams were the only thing holding Levi back. Levi made no attempt on Erwin’s life before because he was placing Furlan’s and Isabel’s wishes above his own, but now that they’re gone, there’s nothing to keep Levi from acting out his revenge.

This is also where we get Erwin’s full reveal of just how in control of this entire situation he’s been this whole time, and how he manipulated every player and outcome to his desires.

This really isn’t something I see get discussed a whole lot when talking about Levi’s relationship with Erwin, and how it started out. But, unquestionably, Erwin used Levi and his friends against their consent, to achieve his own ends. He set the whole thing up, from first spreading rumors about having some sort of evidence against Lovof’s embezzlement, to then spreading the information that he was looking to recruit Levi and his friends from the Underground, thereby giving Lovof the very idea of going to them to obtain his own proof of the evidence’s existence, while simultaneously leading Erwin to the definitive proof he sought by following the messenger Lovof sent and intercepting him. At the same time, giving Erwin a means of throwing Lovof off by using Levi, Furlan and Isabel for cover. It really is incredibly impressive, but also heartbreaking, the way Erwin used Levi and his friends to his own ends, but of course, perfectly in character for Erwin too, willing to do whatever it takes to achieve his goals. It begs certain questions though about the equality between Erwin and Levi, at least at the start of their relationship. Erwin clearly had the control and power in this situation, and though clearly he never meant for Furlan and Isabel to die, still, his decision to rope Levi and them into his plans to catch Lovof and also to gain their strength and skill for the SC, did lead indirectly to their deaths. Surely, if Erwin had never meddled in their lives, and used them as tools, they would have all still been alive in the Underground.

But of course, this leads into a really interesting clash, then, between Levi and Erwin, and where we see Erwin win Levi over to his cause. This is, as is becoming a redundant theme of my analysis here, a giant improvement over the visual novel. There, it makes it seems as if Levi decides to follow Erwin only because Erwin has something Levi lacks, and until he can figure out what that something is, he won’t be able to “defeat him”, implying that Levi is still somehow obsessed with beating Erwin in some way. Like he isn’t joining Erwin to fight for his dream of a better world, but because he wants to figure out what Erwin has that he doesn’t, so he can become superior, or whatever. But here, in the manga, Levi’s reasons for deciding to follow Erwin are much more complex, and tied in with his own personal drive of wanting to help and save others, and into his relationship with Furlan and Isabel.

Levi tells him “It wasn’t worth throwing away their lives! They were nothing but pawns in your worthless game. Well, you lose.”, right before he means to take Erwin’s head off.

What’s interesting here is Erwin’s response. He doesn’t try to deny to Levi that he used Furlan and Isabel and Levi himself as pawns. He doesn’t argue, or try to defend himself on that front. What he takes issue with is Levi calling the reasons for it a “worthless game”.

Erwin’s entire speech to Levi here really builds off of the feelings Levi had already started to develop, about feeling like he had maybe found a place to belong, where he could maximize the good he could do. This wasn’t yet a fully formed idea in Levi’s head, up to this point, but the seeds of it had started to form.

Erwin asks Levi who’s responsible for killing his friends. He asks if it was him, if it was Levi, and then he asks if he really thought that if they had come together to attack Erwin, that they would have made it out alive.

This is what Levi is beating himself up over, of course. The belief that he made the wrong decision, in leaving Furlan and Isabel behind, thinking to himself if they hadn’t split up, they would still be alive. He blames himself for how he came to that decision, and starts to say as much to Erwin here, saying it was his conceit and his pride that was to blame, no doubt thinking of how it was his memory of Erwin and the humiliation he caused Levi that was the final tipping point which decided him in favor of going after Erwin himself, and also how he simply convinced himself that he would be able to shoulder all of the responsibility himself in such a dire situation, remembering how he told Furlan “I can do it by myself!” so insistently, asking him to trust him, to trust essentially in Levi’s strength. To Levi, in this moment, his own strength must have seemed worthless suddenly, his belief in it leading to nothing but abject failure. But then Erwin cuts him off and says, emphatically that, no, it was the Titans who killed them, before beginning to talk about how little they know about the Titans, and how if they continue to remain ignorant like that, they’ll never win against them. He tells Levi to look around himself, and points out how, for as far as the eye can see, there are no walls, and then suggests that, in all that open space, there might be something they can find to free humanity from its despair and imprisonment. And then he reminds Levi that there are people who want to stop this from this from happening, only concerned with their own profits and losses, content to stay where danger can’t reach them. He shows sympathy, saying it’s understandable why they feel that way, because they’ve been blinded by the walls for a hundred years, and can’t see past their own survival.

And then he asks Levi if his eyes have remained clouded too. He’s asking Levi here if he only knows how to live for himself, and if he’ll kill him and return to the Underground to continue to do so, after losing the two people he cared most about in this world.

But of course, Levi’s already learned how to live for people other than himself. That was his whole reason for coming to the Surface in the first place. In support and dedication to the hopes and dreams of his friends. Levi’s eyes HAVEN’T been clouded, he’s already discovered and embraced what it means to give your life for others, already able to see past his own benefit.

Erwin reminds Levi of that here, and tells him they won’t give up on going outside the walls, before asking Levi to fight with the Survey Corps, telling him “Humanity needs your skill!!”. He reminds Levi, even after the loss of the two people whom he had been living for up to that point, that he can continue to live for others still, that he can still fight for the hopes and dreams of others, and that he doesn’t have to return to the life of isolation and loneliness and futility that he once lived, that he doesn’t have to return to simply surviving, or fighting only to survive. He’s reminding Levi that his life can mean more than that, just like he realized when he became friends with Isabel and Furlan. That his life can have purpose, and that, if he lends his strength to the SC, he can do more even than help a few people. He can, in fact, help all of humanity.

The following panels show Levi coming to this realization. He remembers Furlan and Isabel at his sides as they rode out into the open for the first time, into the first, true sense of freedom they had ever known, and their shared awe and wonder at the sight. And Levi is realizing here, just as he had fought for his friends dreams of freedom, and of a better, more hopeful life, he can continue to fight for the same, only for everybody, for all people. He can make the most of his abilities, and help the most people, by staying in the SC and fighting at Erwin’s side, fighting for Erwin’s vision of something beyond the walls, of a kind of salvation for humanity.

What Erwin gives Levi here, really, the thing Erwin gives Levi that he before lacked, is a sense of hope. A belief in his own ability to make a meaningful, positive impact on the lives of others. It’s like Erwin’s own belief in that hope for humanity’s salvation is so strong, that Levi finds himself able to believe in it too, and he decides then and there that, for the sake of that hope, for the sake of the vision of something better, Levi will stay by Erwin’s side. Because it’s what Levi’s always wanted to do, to fight for the hopes and dreams of others, to fight to make the lives of other people better, and Erwin has shown him the way to do so. He shows Levi that Furlan and Isabel didn’t die for a “worthless game”, but for the sake of all human kind, and that’s why Levi is able to let go of his anger towards Erwin and follow him. And that really feeds into Levi’s need, later on, for every soldier’s death to carry meaning. If he can believe Furlan and Isabel died for a truly important reason, he can accept it and cope with his grief. Like Isabel expressed herself before, these people genuinely believe their cause is worth dying for, and Erwin reminds Levi of this again.

So he forgets his anger and pain, and chooses instead to follow Erwin, and dedicate himself to the cause of humanity’s salvation.

The final panels of the manga are incredibly moving, with Levi slowing down behind Erwin and Mike, and glancing back one last time to where he lost his two, best friends, before looking away and riding on, as the sun shines through the clouds. Like one, final acknowledgment of their lives together, and the sacrifice they made, before committing himself fully to his new life ahead.

10. Prologue

Just a small note on the prologue. It opens up with Furlan and Isabel and Levi sitting beneath the only, real source of sunlight in the Underground, watching the birds in the sky. Isabel wonders where they’re going, and Furlan answers “Far away... They can fly even beyond the walls. To Places we couldn’t go eve with those machines.” Isabel smiles, and says “Got that right! Just you wait! I’ll go with you someday.”, while Levi looks up into the sky, silent. This is only further proof of how Furlan and Isabel both expressed their dream of someday making it on the surface, of achieving freedom from the prison of the Underground, and how Levi would sit and listen to them say things like this. We see shots of just how grim and harsh the Underground really is here, with people lying passed out and sick in the streets, the pervasive, overwhelming darkness, and just overall depressing atmosphere. It’s the kind of place that, clearly, robs people of their will to live. Of any kind of hope. It’s important to note that Levi himself never expresses any such dream, or desire. He never voices that he wants to make it to the surface. This is Furlan’s and Isabel’s dream, their hope, and Levi hears it from them seemingly often. Probably, because of how hard his life has been, Levi’s never even considered it a real possibility, and so never even entertained the idea of it becoming real. But for Furlan and Isabel, he was willing to try. He went to the surface for them, to try and make their dream a reality.

#shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #No Regrets #acwnr #a choice with no regrets #Levi Ackerman #Furlan Church #Isabel Magnolia #Erwin Smith #snk analysis #meta #thoughts

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finalfantasyandnerdiness · 4 years ago

Text

Want

Prompt from the discord server by @imlilyyfromff13: “I want to kiss you.”

Fandom: FFXIII (post!LR) Pairing: Hope/Light

A short one-shot about Lightning confronting Hope about becoming a self-destructive workaholic again.

For the eighth time in about the same number of minutes, Hope’s phone buzzed. He picked it up from the kitchen table, glanced at it, frowned, and then put it down again. Lightning sighed. Serah pursed her lips in annoyance. Sazh muttered something about kids and their addiction to anything with a touch screen. Fang and Vanille exchanged a look that probably carried a full conversation only they could understand. Snow kept shoveling pie into his mouth as if he hadn’t even noticed.

Months ago, right after they’d all arrived in the new world, Serah had declared that Sunday nights were family dinner nights. She’d decided that once a week, they would all gather at her and Snow’s house—and somehow, she’d managed to make it a mandatory thing. Some excuses were acceptable, like Noel and Yeul being abroad, but that was about as far as Serah’s leniency went. Sunday nights were family dinner nights. Period.

Lightning had always been a loner at heart, but even she found joy in these little gatherings. Everyone was so busy living their own lives nowadays that if they hadn’t all feared being hunted down by a passive-aggressive Serah, they probably wouldn’t have been able stay in touch like this—a thought of that scared Lightning more than she would ever admit. She finally had a family again, and she wanted to keep it. Even if it meant having weekly dinners in a kitchen that definitely wasn’t big enough for the entire gang.

The room wasn’t quite as crowded now as when Noel and Yeul was in town, but the seating arrangement was still far from comfortable. Lightning had to dodge Snow’s elbow every time the big buffoon reached for something, and her thigh was pressed flush against Hope.

It was fascinating, really, how the warmth of Hope’s leg could somehow be more distracting than the risk of getting elbowed in the face.

Hope’s phone buzzed.

“Could you please turn that off?” Serah asked. “The world won’t end just because you’re unavailable for an hour.”

“You’re giving the world way too much credit,” Hope muttered. He ran his fingers through his silver hair, a deep wrinkle forming between his eyebrows. The ever-growing concern in Lightning’s chest nagged at her. Hope’s eyes were surrounded by dark circles, and every time she saw him he seemed to have lost another pound or two.

When Hope had said that he wanted to work as a researcher again, she’d been happy for him. Of course he’d want to figure out how the science of the new world worked, and of course he’d want to help people find ways to make their new lives work in this unfamiliar environment. What she hadn’t realized was just how much everyone would come to rely on him. Everyone seemed to want a piece of his intellect and his lifetimes of experience. He was being torn apart right before her eyes, and there was nothing she could do about it. Every time she brought it up, he just brushed it off. They’d been partners once, but now, he wouldn’t let her in. He’d shut her out.

“Hope…” She glanced up at him. “The world isn’t your responsibility anymore, you know? Just because everyone wants your help doesn’t mean you have to be there for them constantly. You have to think about what you want, too.”

“I can’t have what I want.” There was a strange combination of heat and sorrow in his eyes when he met her gaze. “I don’t deserve it.”

Lightning fell silent as she tried to get her emotions under control. She sometimes wondered if Hope had any idea how frustratingly attractive he was, with his chiseled jawline, full lips, and ocean-green eyes that still gleamed with an understanding of the universe that no other human on the planet possessed.

She also sometimes wondered if he knew how he made her brain malfunction by simply looking at her.

It wasn’t his appearance that made her feel the way she did. Seeing him as an adult had only made the final puzzle piece of her conflicting emotions fall into place. And now, when she’d finally realized what their bond truly meant to her, he was shutting her out.

Hope’s phone buzzed.

Serah gave him a glare that could have slayed a behemoth. “That’s it, Hope, you’re turning—”

“It’s okay.” Hope gave the screen a final glance before standing up. “I’ve got to go. Thanks for the dinner, Serah. It was perfect, as always.”

“Hope…” Serah paused. After countless dinners ending the exact same way, they all knew that there was nothing they could do to make him stay.

Lightning watched him leave the kitchen, his narrow frame slimmer than ever, and just… reacted. This time it was her elbow that nearly connected with Snow’s face when she rushed after Hope. She caught up with him in the hallway as he was putting on his coat.

“Enough.” She placed herself between him and the door.

“What?”

“I said enough.”

They stared at each other. Hope’s face went from confusion to annoyance to melancholy in a matter of seconds.

“I really have to go, Light,” he said, giving her a humorless smile. “We can talk later.”

“There will never be a ‘later’, and you know it.” Lightning leaned back against the door, effectively blocking his only escape route. “We’re still partners, right? Or did that change when we arrived here?”

Hope blinked. “Of course we are. Nothing will ever change that.”

“Then, as your partner, I’m putting my foot down.” Lightning raised her chin and crossed her arms. “I’m not going to stand by and watch you tear yourself apart to keep the world afloat. Not again.” She swallowed hard. “Never again.”

“Light…” Hope slowly approached her until their bodies were only inches apart. Lightning’s heart began to race. She refused to look away, though. She was taking a stand, and she was not going to let her emotions get in the way of that.

“If you’re going to say you’re fine, then save it. I know you’re not. Have you looked at yourself lately? Can’t you see what this is doing to you?” A hint of desperation somehow found its way into her voice. “You’re putting the needs of others over your own, and I… I feel like I’m losing you again.”

“I’m sorry, Light. I never meant to… I’m sorry.” Hope looked down. “It’s just that everything’s a mess, and considering the part I played in all of this, I feel like it’s my responsibility to fix it.”

“It’s not. That responsibility lies on humanity as a whole now. You and I… We may have contributed to the destruction of the old world, but we also helped creating this.” Lightning nodded toward the kitchen, where their little mess of a family chatted and laughed together. “A new world. A blank page. We create our own fates now. I know it’s hard—trust me, I know it is—but we deserve a new start too. It’s time for all of us to start living the lives we want to live, and that includes you.” She gently stroked a wayward strand of hair from his forehead. “What do you want, Hope?”

“What I want?” He looked up at her, letting out a bitter sound that wasn’t quite a snort but not quite a laugh either. A shiver ran down her spine. He had that look in his eyes again, hot and sad and hungry. “I don’t think you want to know.”

“Try me.”

He hesitated. “There is one thing I want. More than anything.” He cupped her cheek in his hand, his gaze lowering until it landed on her lips. Another moment of hesitation passed.

“I want to kiss you.”

Lightning’s eyes widened. Her cheeks burned. Her heart pounded hard enough to drown out her thoughts—which thankfully wasn’t that much of a problem. In this situation, she didn’t need to think.

“Then kiss me.”

Hope’s lips crashed into hers. She wrapped her arms around his neck, pressing her body against his as her back slammed into the door. Her head spun, and all her repressed emotions sprung into life. This was what she’d been craving ever since she first saw him in the new world. This was how things were supposed to be. This was right.

Their kiss deepened. The rest of the world seemed to disappear. All she could focus on was him—his smell, his warmth, his hands in her hair, and his impossibly soft lips.

When he finally pulled back, an astonished smile played on his lips. Soon, he would most likely rush out the door as usual to once again fix whatever it was that someone had screwed up, but this time he’d at least gotten something he wanted for himself—something she’d been more than happy to give it to him. She wasn’t delusional enough to believe that a kiss would change his self-destructive behavior, but maybe, just maybe, it was a start.

“What about you?” he murmured, slightly out of breath. “What do you want, in this hypothetical utopia of yours?”

She smiled. That was probably the easiest question he could have possibly asked her.

“You.”

#hoperai #hopurai #ffxiii #mywritings #this one got very much out of hand

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cdyssey · 4 years ago

Text

Need

Summary: After Nick arrives at the beach house, Frankie escapes to her studio to process her emotions. Post 7x04.

A/N: I've had such Grace and Frankie brain rot these past few days that I figured I should put it to good use and write another fic. It was really fascinating to try Frankie's POV. Lily Tomlin imbues her with a lot of subtle pathos that I totally wish the show would explicitly explore more.

AO3 Link

—

Frankie excuses herself to the studio for dinner, so she can process her very big, astonishingly inappropriate, and entirely overwhelming emotions without resorting to calling Nick a “wavy-haired, Pierce Brosnan wannabe douche canoe.”

As delightful (and totally true) of a turn a phrase that it is, even she knows that saying it aloud would be trespassing a boundary that she’s sworn herself never to cross: Grace is married.

Unhappily married, maybe.

Complicatedly married at the very least.

But until the day that they mutually say “I do” to divorce papers, there isn’t enough room for three people in the Skolka marriage, however much that Grace—bless her increasingly unthawing heart—tries to ensure otherwise.

So Frankie lets the newly reunited couple have their dinner alone under the guise of a generosity that she doesn’t exactly feel, and she takes leftover pasta into her studio to moodily pick around the bowl until her fettuccine looks less like fettuccine and more like unevenly perforated confetti.

(Woo fucking hoo.)

After a few minutes of this aggressively unconstructive practice, she places her nearly full bowl on a nearby work table and stretches out across her paint-stained couch, staring at the ceiling and resisting the reactionary urge to light a joint. Mary J might help her feel better for the present moment, but tomorrow morning, she’d still wake up and feel invaded in her own home.

Paradoxically, she’d also feel alone, goddammit.

She pulls her shawl more tightly around her shoulders against an invisible and piercing chill.

Frankie hates feeling lonely.

She spiraled when Grace lived in the penthouse. She nearly self-destructed to fill the gaping void that her roommate, her friend, her practical and beloved soulmate left behind. There was a period where she didn’t wash her clothes and ate a lot of admittedly non-vegan takeout. There were nights when she’d lay awake in her awfully huge bed, staring at the empty space where Sol used to sleep, and have the familiar waking nightmare of spending her final years in forced solitude. She was happy with Jack, and then Jacob—sweet Jacob—came around too, and she did something she still feels fucking ashamed about: she hurt both of them, and she lied when she said that she had just wanted to have some fun.

She knows herself.

Intimately.

She‘d been scared of being alone again, so she tried to hold on to two people who were helping her to stave the awful feeling away. Those men wanted her, and Frankie used them. They wanted her, and she pathologically loves to feel wanted because she sometimes and irrationally fears that she might not be needed.

To be fair to her irrational fears, all the people she’s ever needed and felt needed by have hurt her before.

Sol cheated on her for twenty years.

Her own sons stuck her in a nursing home.

Grace just fucking left her.

She eloped in Vegas like a blushing twenty-one year old bride and just disappeared.

She says it was a mistake; she sat across Frankie in a sunlit restaurant and candidly told her that she didn’t like the person she had become when she married Nick.

And to be completely fair to her, Grace has been adamant about not wanting to leave again—so perhaps she never will—but if her husband is here to stay, it's also a distinct possibility that she’ll never have to make the choice to physically leave to… well… leave.

She can perpetually honeymoon with Nick and still call Frankie home.

It could be a happy ending for Grace… and a fresh new hell for Frankie, who'd just started to feel secure again.

God knows she wants her best friend to be happy, but the big man in the sky must also surely understand that she had hoped that she alone could be enough for Grace, that this unconventional life spent together in the beach house—so crazy, so weird, and so inextricably entangled—would be their shared happily ever after.

But even as she thinks it, the vestiges of her clearly misplaced optimism begin to evade her, dregs now at the bottom of an already drained cup.

She and Grace aren't married.

It’s always been an objective fact.

Tonight, it feels more like an unpleasant reality.

When the door leading into her studio suddenly flies open, Frankie barely has enough time to swipe the back of her hand across her eyes before she sits up to find none other than the lady of the hour.

Her collared shirt popped up stiffly around her neck, a martini glass surgically glued to her right hand, Grace looks quintessentially herself as she walks in, even down to the minutiae of her trademark I'm-angry-at-the-world-and-everyone-in-it expression—brow furrowed and eyes Medusa cold. After all but slamming the door, she stalks over within a few clicks of her practical but unmistakably high heels.

“Well, hello to you, too, Sunshine,” Frankie greets wryly, hoping to hell and back that her face isn’t as red as it feels.

It’s a tall order, though.

Alas, she was gifted (or equally cursed) with an exceptionally expressive face.

“Frankie, this is nonsense,” Grace says bluntly, using her martini glass like a pointer and leveling it straight at her head. “Come back to the house—your house—and have dinner with us.”

It’s the authoritarian nature of the demand that rifles Frankie.

Frankly, it pisses her off.

She’s always been a rebel contrarian.

“And by us, you mean you and your house arrested husband, right?” She returns evenly. She betrays herself by raising a single and devastatingly skeptical brow. “The man with whom you should be having a very emotionally honest conversation with right now about the parameters of your jacked up relationship?”

Grace shifts her weight from heel to heel and glances away a little too quickly for the gesture to be entirely natural. Frankie had blatantly stricken a pulsing nerve, and the guilt of doing so immediately swallows her.

She shouldn’t be so hard on her friend.

(She doesn’t know why it’s permissible to be equally hard on herself.)

“Well, I tried to have that conversation, thank you very much, but then I ended up wanting to claw Nick’s eyes out.” The obvious follow up question must shine in Frankie’s face because sighing infinitesimally through her nostrils, Grace adds, “His attorney argued that my advanced age and apparent capability to croak at any moment were reasons enough to grant Nick leniency. They let him out so he could take care of me—whatever the hell that means.”

Her no-nonsense voice never falters as she delivers the brutal words, but her eyes undermine her, seething with emotion, simply roiling. They tell a story of horror and disgust and searing, absolute betrayal; they’re heavy all over with sadness and the indelicate trappings of all her raw and mercilessly exposed fears.

Frankie understands immediately.

Nick used one of Grace’s deepest insecurities as a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Being eighty-two years old.

But perhaps more accurately, feeling like it.

“Oh, honey,” Frankie melts. She can do nothing else but melt, to be suddenly overcome with fierce, protective, and terrifying love for the woman in front of her. “That fucking bastard.”

Grace immediately laughs, the sound hoarse and watery and a little unhinged all at the exact same time.

“Tell me about it,” she half-smiles and takes the swearing as a rightful invitation to join Frankie on the couch. With a gentle clink, she sets her half-emptied martini glass on the table next to Frankie’s completely full pasta bowl. “I said the exact same thing.”

When she chooses to sit close enough that their shoulders are brushing, Frankie intuitively knows that this is petty defiance against Nick for daring to intrude upon them and the world they've so carefully created together.

She temples Grace’s nearest hand with her own in an attempt to silently communicate that this right here—whatever this is between them—is love.

“So, please”—Grace squeezes her hand back—“please don’t be angry with me… I… I didn’t want this. You know I didn’t want this. I don’t want him to even be here.”

Frankie stares openly at her best friend.

Wide-eyed and hopeful against her self-loathing, self-centered will, she searches her broken face like it's revelatory.

It's stunningly rare that Grace Hanson ever articulates her wants so clearly. Forty years of an emotionally repressive marriage did their number and toll on her. She pedestalized rigid decorum over every conscious desire.

She played by the rules even if they hurt her.

And drank herself to oblivion on many a night to forget the very fact that she was hurt.

To deny herself the honesty she’d somehow convinced herself that she didn’t deserve.

“… you know this is your husband we’re talking about here, right?” It’s a rhetorical question. Frankie's pretty sure that they both fucking know that it’s insane that this conversation—that this entire situation as a whole—is happening.

“I know,” Grace replies firmly. “Believe me, I'm well aware. But you’re… you’re my partner, Frankie, and if I can’t be upfront with you, then I don’t know who else I can turn to.”

The very word partner sends shivers down her spine, and the shivers collect like butterflies in her already churning belly.

It’s just a word, she tells herself.

She scolds.

Grace doesn’t mean anything by it.

It's a label, and Grace doesn't do labels anymore.

“I... I wasn’t mad at you, Grace,” she finally admits. It's easier to do than questioning the extent to which her roommate would give up the world for her, but all the same, her voice is frighteningly weak, a pale imitation of everything Frankie usually projects herself to be: confident, cheerful, unshakeable, unshaken. Suddenly, it hits her that it’s been a very long time since she’s been so openly vulnerable, too. “I'm not even really all that mad at your jailbird husband either. I was just scared, and when I get scared, I skitter like a nervous little bug."

She shuts down.

She spirals.

She tries to put a smile on her face for the people who love her all the same.

And then she lies awake at night, drowning in the sheets of an empty bed.

Thinking about how she should probably tell someone that everything hurts.

But she’s Frankie, and she doesn’t do that.

Grace perpetually convinces herself that she doesn’t deserve honesty; Frankie has come to fear that no one wants her own.

“Were you scared of me?” Grace asks quietly, her grip so tight now that it almost stings.

“Frankie…” She presses when a few heartbeats of silence stagger by, limping painfully on all fours, pronouncing so many unspoken and profound hurts.

“Of losing you, Grace,” she confesses, the words defeated and scraped raw. She forcefully tugs her hand away from Grace's just to temple her own hands together on her lap, to lick her sundry and shining wounds in a private corner. “I was scared of losing you, of being alone again in this big, empty house… and I don’t like being alone.”

She can’t bear to look at Grace as she says it, staring at the paint-flecked floor without ever really seeing it, her eyes burning.

She wishes they’d stop burning but feels the precise moment when they begin to leak anyway.

It’s all so embarrassing.

And childish.

Frankie is an eighty-year old woman, and she shouldn’t be upset over her best friend having a goddamn life.

She should be happy for her, fucking ecstatic.

And yet, she's—

But before she can complete the miserable thought, her body becomes aware of another sensation entirely—warm arms enveloping her from the side and inexorably pulling her in, turning the space that once existed between two bodies—between them—intangible, negligible.

Grace.

Shock turns into realization, and realization transforms into aching, sweeping relief.

It can only be Grace.

Grace’s soft lips pressed to her cheek.

Grace’s fingertips curling into the fabric of her dress.

Grace’s nose against her neck as she slides her sharp chin across her shoulder.

“I’m not leaving you, Frances Bergstein,” she declares. “Whatever happens between me and Nick, in the end, it’s going to be just you and me in this house that is our damn home. I swear that to you. I’d tell you every day just to prove it to you.”

Oh, these words.

These beautiful, tender, and long-needed-to-hear words.

They’re just words, she could tell herself again.

She could lie.

She could convince herself if she had to.

She could conveniently forget that Grace Hanson uses language carefully, that she employs every sentence with scalpel-like precision.

Or... more complicatedly still... Frankie could believe her.

Frankie could blindly accept these words for what they are, as manifest confirmation that she is loved by another—prioritized and cared for and needed.

She could be Grace’s partner and let that incredible word be electrically charged with so many complex and ridiculous and extraordinary ideas, none of which are traditional, and all of which feel true.

She could believe in her even if belief is not simple, even if belief is a product, first and foremost, of trust.

And Grace has certainly lost her trust before, but goddammit, she's earned it so many times, too.

“Oh, God,” Frankie laughs in such a way that it’s stupidly clear that she’s crying as Grace rubs slow circles into her back with her thumb. “This is all messed up. You’re the one with a house arrested, tax evading husband. I should be the one comforting you.”

“The house arrested, tax evading husband doesn’t particularly faze me,” Grace chuckles, her voice low. “Seeing you hurting and upset does. My priorities are remarkably straight.”

“I’m not sure you know the meaning of that word,” she smiles weakly as they slowly and clumsily begin to extricate themselves from their tangled embrace.

It’s hard to find themselves again.

To be apart.

“But I do,” Grace protests, emphatic and indignant and maybe even a few shades righteously pissed. “You’re the person I wanna share this crazy life with at the end of the day and every day. Why is that so hard to believe?”

“Because every day is an incredibly long time to be with me,” Frankie offers meekly, giving her one more perfect and easily acceptable copout, a neatly packaged excuse.

She can be too much.

She knows this.

“It’s just the right amount of time to be with you,” Grace murmurs, reaching up to brush an errant tear away from Frankie’s cheek, her thumb lingering, her quivering palm. “You’re kind enough to love me, and I’m lucky enough to be loved by you... so let me return the favor, Frankie. Let me be here for you."

And to Grace’s credit in this fleeting moment, she continues to hold Frankie.

It's a promise to never let her go.

#grace and frankie #grace hanson #frankie bergstein #grace x frankie #grace and frankie spoilers #reginianwrites #s: grace and frankie

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orangegreet · 4 years ago

Text

The Shadow of Blyth Fell | Chapter Nine

Photo by Fabien TWB on Unsplash

The morning after posting her urgent letter to Lord Kirigan, Alina emerged from her rooms and it was as though she entered a different house.

Throughout the west wing and the main halls, new paintings and tapestries were hung. The Kirigan family crest was repeated several times over and a few grand gilded mirrors bounced light around the rooms making them look new and strange.

New portraits hung on display featuring faces Alina had never seen before. Most, she assumed, were ancestors of the Kirigan line based on the placards beneath each portrait.

Curiously, not a single one depicted the late Lord Kirigan—a man whom she was very interested in studying.

Alina inquired about it passively to Marie who simply shrugged, “I think it is painful for the lord to look at him now he is dead and all.”

Above the mantle in the parlor was a woman who looked completely unfamiliar to her—the late Lady Kirigan. Clearly the first late Lady Kirigan given the date on the placard beneath it.

She was fair and young and completely beautiful in a way that was different from her son. Alina resolved that he must take after his father.

The sight of the portraits did little to ease the brick in her gut. This change to the walls of the big house felt ominous and foreboding.

Dressing the estate in formality and grandeur could only mean the Lord of Blyth Fell found a contender for his hand.

Perhaps it was due to shyness or just a resistance against change itself, but Alina did not want to see the end of easy time at the manor. The last few days had been burdensome but before that she and her fellow servants had been on relatively equal footing.

With no guests to impress and the relaxed standards of Lord Kirigan, people felt free to be themselves. The nakedness of the walls and the untouched rooms were part of that motif. Now, everything would change.

The advent of a wedding ensured the future was sure to be filled with parties and dinners and guests. Once the future mistress saw the manor in this state of grandeur, there would be no going back.

*************

In the days that passed, Alina helped Genya and Marie prepare the rooms. Genya had accepted her excuses of illness without question and they fell back into their easy way quickly.

The children, however, had been quite concerned with her apparent illness. A fact which raked at Alina’s guilty conscious.

George and Lillian were wholly innocent. They had not kept secrets or lied to her. Just innocent children swept up into the sins of adults.

Alina paid off her guilt with a relaxing of her rules for a few days following.

Shortened lessons, sporadic trips to the kitchens for tea cakes and leniency when they whined about their studies.

Selfishly, she wanted to enjoy this time with them before any shift occurred. At night, Alina eyed the portraits in the halls and felt as though she was clinging to the last vestiges of a dying age.

More than ever, Alina was plagued with strange dreams. Dark images and deep chants which were as indecipherable as they were consuming.

At one time, it was impossible for Alina to recall even the slightest detail from her dreams after her morning tea.

These days, the vivid images and harsh sounding words echoed in her brain well into the afternoons. Pestering her, pressing at her memories and confusing her.

The one reprieve was that Lillian no longer seemed to have nightmares so once Alina resigned herself to bed in the evenings, the only thing poised to interrupt her sleep was whatever lay in wait in her own head.

Lord Kirigan had not answered her last letter.

The vulnerability of putting her request into light and immortalizing it on the page, only to be passed over without any reaction—without even a rejection—curdled all feeling her stomach.

It was humiliating.

Before bed as Alina prayed to Alatyr and earnestly tried to block out the dark thoughts plaguing her dreams, she worked on digging out and discarding the pieces of herself that still longed for her absent employer.

What did she need to hear from him anyway? What did she expect him to say?

She did not expect him to have disclosed the unfortunate history of his family for her on the first meeting perhaps.

Though… fter the strange encounter with the dark creature in the woods, Alina felt sure something should have been communicated.

It was clear now that rumor or no, George was not the first victim of this attack, just the first to survive it. Of that, she was certain.

*************

It had been a little over a week since her letter to him. A little over a week and nothing returned.

Settling into bed was becoming more difficult. Alina was sleep deprived as it was and now full of shame for the way she had reached out to him.

It had been wholly inappropriate. A governess addressing her employer with such informality and blatant want.

When she reentered her dreams, the same ones which consumed her night after night, Alina found them more vivid than ever before.

Dark shadows, the splashing of water like small waves breaking over rocks and chanting. Always chanting.

It was the chanting that woke her. Only, when she opened her eyes, it did not stop. The dream was over and yet the words lingered on the air around her.

They were persistent and something tugged at her chest. Alina went to the window, unlatching it and letting the cold air wash down her body.

The voice was calling out in the night.

The black silhouette of the woods were eerie in their stillness and yet the voice radiated from their depths.

It was in a daze that Alina threw on her dressing robe and her overcoat. Her boots left mostly loose and her small lit candle in hand, she left the warmth of her room.

From the safety of the kitchen door, she stared at the woods. The gruff voice and foreign words tripped over the wet grass and once more the tugging in her chest urged at her to…move?

She could not be sure of it’s direction, only it’s persistence.

Though she almost skipped past the garden door, Alina paused, pulling against the magnetic tug. The need to disappear among her plants for a moment overcame her.

As she gathered a bouquet of sage, coriander, mint and mallow, a little warmth was restored to her chest. The little red ribbon was untied from her hair and wrapped several times around the bundle of herbs.

Her fist clutched at the protective collection, squeezing them as she left her little garden sanctuary behind.

Alina chased the voice into the woods, at times quite lost and turned around. She held her arms and rubbed them for warmth as she walked.

It felt as if she awoke in the forest. Though she could recount every step she had taken between her room and here, she still could not wake from her daze.

On the wind a new voice came. Light and soothing and the words were unintelligible, it called her deeper into the woods, pulling her away from the harsh chanting of before.

“Babulya?” The question slipped into the wind and disappeared. Had she said it aloud at all? She followed, deeper into the woods than she had ever before ventured.

Only when she stumbled upon a stream, did the kind voice subside with a gentle sigh.

The water was carved deep into the earth, flowing fast over rocks and closed in by muddy earth a few yards below the ground where she stood.

Alina looked down the little embankment at the water. The slope down to the water was not so great on this side but across the stream, the embankment rose high up above her head.

Something in her memory shuffled forward and Alina was suddenly sure this must be where Misha fell as a boy. Or at least close to it.

She felt a pull again. A friendly urging. Something was guiding her alongside the path of the water.

The trees grew close together the deeper she went and not even moonlight peaked through. A tree root caught the toe of her boot and she fell to the ground.

The gentle pull stopped abruptly and in it’s absence, she heard it again—

That dark voice overlapping and overpowering the soothing one she had heard before. The words were harsh and unintelligible as if they were being shouted into the wind.

More out of fear than anything else, Alina began walking again, her pace brisk and her mind fogging.

She shivered and shook and though she tried, Alina could not remember her own words.

The prayers to Alatyr which had been with her for years, spoken as often as her own name and now they were like wisps in her head. Impossible to grasp.

Her hands clutched for the bouquet of protection and she found it was gone. Dropped somewhere on the forest floor.

She lifted her empty hands for inspection.

Light seeped from them like the steam off a teacup. In her daze she blinked at the mystery.

The light escaped her and was swallowed by the night in an instance. With it, Alina felt herself losing coherence.

What was this dream? Had she ever woken up in her bed? Surely, she was still in it, dreaming. Waiting to wake up.

Her limbs grew heavy. She slouched. The chanting was so loud but Alina could hardly lift her arms to cover her ears.

Light was still curling up from her palms, in any case, so they were of little use to her right now.

The darkness thickened around her and the wind grew stronger and when she felt her knees begin to crumble from the crippling cold, she was falling toward the ground.

Perhaps this would wake her up.

A set of large hands wrapped around her upper arms and pulled her to her feet.

“Christ alive, Alina!” The gruff voice of Lord Kirigan filled her ears and everything stopped.

The harsh words which had filled her head receded at once. In it’s absence, thought and memory came flooding back.

He turned her to face him, his hands rubbing her arms.

“What in God’s name brought you out here?” Kirigan looked around them, squinting into the night.

His eyes widened in alarm at his surroundings and he repeated the question, “What brought you out here?”

She shivered, quietly looking up at him.

Kirigan cursed and removed his dark traveling cloak from around his shoulders, throwing it over her.

“You’re here.” Alina whispered finally.

Her breath fogged the air between them. Concern marred his brow as he looked down at her quivering form.

A moment’s hesitation and then his warm hands cupped her wind-chapped cheeks.

“Of course I am. This my home.”

Alina’s eyes fell shut in a slow blink, soaking in the warmth of him.

“Can you walk? We need to get back toward the house. These woods are not safe.”

Alina nodded even as his hand found hers under the cloak. She almost stopped him—warning him about the light escaping through her skin but it had stopped.

Her hands were quite normal once more. With the exception that one was firmly clasped in his.

Kirigan guided her along a path she had not seen on her way in, one that was clear cut and direct.

As they walked she attempted to collect herself, even as surprise and desire and shame warmed her insides equally.

“H-how did you know where to find me?”

He was quiet for a moment.

“You weren’t in your room when I returned.”

Ahead of her, he came to a stop to pull brambles aside and gently pushed her through. Once they passed, he found her hand again.

“I checked in the parlor,” he added, a confession pulled from his mouth against his will. “And then the kitchens…I found your candlestick in the garden and then…”

He did not finish. Perhaps he had followed the strange voices as well.

But no.

Truthfully, Alina knew exactly how he found her, even in the dark woods. Kirigan found her as she would have found him.

Something about him pulled at something in her, urging them to lock together. To tether one to the other without escape.

This was evident because the tugging in her chest, that one she thought was guiding her into the woods, was now content.

It pulsed in his vicinity. Pleasure, satisfaction. Alina lay a hand over her chest to push the invisible tug back inside.

As they neared the edge of the woods, the lanterns from the big house came into view. She could see the glow of the gas lamps beside the kitchen door.

The reality of it all came back to her.

In that home, she was a servant to the master of the house. In that house, he was her employer and her duties were to teach the children and get payment in return.

Alina dropped his hand and stopped short of the tree line.

Lord Kirigan turned back, “What is it? Are you hurt?”

“No…no. Nothing like that, it’s just—”

With the arrival of reality, the events of the past weeks crashed over her once more.

The secrets, the dark creature, the marks on George, the marks on the dead Lady Kirigan—the sheer weight of the death and tragedy wrought on Blyth Fell and it’s residents overcame her. The anxiety and sadness she felt at the changes to the manor house, the preparations for a mistress, flooded through her.

She opened her mouth to speak and, to her great shame, a gasping sob escaped.

And then he was wrapping her in his arms.

He alone was warm and safe and he lay his cheek over the top of her head while she cried. His hand curled around her head and Alina allowed him to press her against his body.

“What happened, Alina?” Kirigan asked after her shaking had subsided somewhat.

His tone was filled with trepidation and she wondered as she brushed her cheek over the wool of his waistcoat whether he actually wanted to know. Whether he was frightened to hear it.

But he had asked and she certainly had questions.

“That day,” Alina started, conveniently unable to look at him from her position. Her breath was hot against the fabric of his chest and he pulled her closer.

“When George was bitten—”

Kirigan stiffened.

“After I-I sucked the poison from his wound. You said something that I did not understand then. You said, ‘you knew exactly what to do and perhaps if I had known’…you did not finish your thought.”

The force of his sharp inhale, his heart racing beneath her ear and then silence.

“Had you seen it before? That creature?”

“Yes.” He breathed.

They stood huddled together for a few long moments until finally Alina felt the strength to peel away.

Lord Kirigan had a cagey look about him. His eyes darted around her face and when he could not bear her gaze, he averted them to the surrounding trees.

Alina waited for him to speak. He simply stared at the ground.

She sighed. “I don’t mean to dig up the past. Especially not when it is painful—”

“Then what do you mean by it.” He asked, sharp enough that she flinched.

Alina reached a tentative hand to his face, stroking over his jaw.

“I am trying to understand. I know—I have known that tragedy and death hang like a pall over the house. That though you are young,” her thumb grazed his cheek and he turned into her palm, “you have seen far too many sad days. You have experienced too much loss.”

She swallowed, her voice breaking a little as she continued, “I do know what that is like…I, too, have lost…I have raged against the injustice of it myself.”

Tears wetted her fingers from his cheeks and she knew they were mirrored on her face.

“I do not want to open up your wounds but…I do wish to help heal them. I cannot do that if I do not understand the depth of them.”

He flinched under her palm and they both were silent once more.

“I didn’t ask for this, Alina.”

“No one asks for tragedy, my lord.”

He squeezed his eyes shut. “I hate it when you address me that way.”

Kirigan pinched the bridge of his nose in consternation, “And I am not speaking of the tragedy that has plagued me for the entirety of my cursed existence…”

He looked at her, lost for words. Above them the wind pulled at the tree limbs until they creaked.

When he did not continue, Alina sighed.

She lowered her head, voice quiet in the evening air, “It is the only way I may address you. It is proper,” she said, answering his complaint.

With a newfound desperation, his eyes roamed her features, “If I asked you, you would call me by my name, would you not?”

Alina swallowed and stepped back. Already he was moving on from her questions. From the history she was trying to understand. Kirigan had not lied to her but neither would he answer her.

She was uneasy and lonely and being in his arms only made her feel more alone. Once they reentered the house, he would be done holding her—perhaps he would not hold her ever again.

Alina tore herself from him, turning away. “You should return inside. It would not do to be found together in the woods under cover of night and without a chaperon, my lord.”

“Alina—“ his hand weighed warm on her shoulder.

With renewed wretchedness deep in her stomach, she longed to feel both his hands sweep across her back and down her arms. Desired their heavy weight to slide over her waist and encompass her body fully. She ached to be pulled into him.

The thing inside of her was clawing to meet him. She shivered and squeezed more tears from her eyes.

“Don’t. You have made your intentions clear which is all that I could ask. You make it worse now.”

Kirigan’s hand gripped her, pulling her around to face him again, ““You asked me to come back and I returned—”

In his hands, he cradled her face once more. Warmth and calm and desire filled her.

His pleading expression made her heart lurch. Evidence of the want they felt shared between them.

“Yes and why is that?” She asked, pain and hurt seeping into her tone, “Why leave at all when you have another heart to win over?”

He looked at her, utterly bewildered, “I—you wrote and asked for me. Your letter sounded…it was unlike you. It worried me.”

Alina could not hold his penetrating stare.

“I regret it very much…writing to you. I should not have posted the letter at all.” Another shuddering breath, “I-I believe I was feeling quite ill, you know. I had not eaten for a couple of days. I-It was an act born of delirium.”

Kirigan’s hands slipped from her cheeks.

“I see.” The coldness in his tone pinched her heart.

“Well. It so happens Misha wrote the day before. He told me your head was turned by idle gossip in the village.”

Alina scowled at him, frustrated at the way he attempted to rewrite his own narrative. “And that is why you have returned with such haste? To confirm them or deny them?”

He sneered. “I do not know what was said and I certainly would not confirm their ugly misshapen truths blindly.”

“But what if everything they told me is true and you deny it anyway?” She challenged.

“Why? What did they tell you, Alina?” He urged, gripping her by the arms.

Alina blinked at him. Not long ago his face and his presence was all she wanted in the world to have but now he was here, she was not sure what his motives were and it was hard to look at him.

When she still had not answered, when doubt and distrust clouded her continence, he loosened his grip on her arms.

His hands slid up to the bare skin of her neck and he sighed.

“I… I should not have implied differently. I did not rush here on Misha’s account.” His thumbs stroked over the soft skin of her neck.

“I came on your request. I am here right now because I wish—rather wrongly—to soothe your fears and your troubles and to assure you I am doing everything in my power to protect you from harm while you are at Blyth Fell.”

He smirked, “Although if I have learned anything from that encounter in the woods, I can reasonably wonder if perhaps it is you who has come to Blyth fell to save us all.”

Even as he said it, Alina felt the jest in his voice. The disbelief. The black humor which told her that he did not consider himself worth saving.

“It comes to the same then.” She breathed. “You wish wrongly. I am not yours to soothe. I am a governess to your children and I should not have written. It was out of line—I ask your pardon, sir.” Alina stepped out of his reach as she said it.

“Alina—”

“Nothing has changed, my lord,” she said firmly. “I am here to teach the children until you see fit to send them to boarding school. It is but three years and…and until then i-it will be best if we do not meet like this…I think.”

The alarm that broke over his face surprised her. Had he not thought this through? Did he not understand the way of things?

With all the anger of a man grasping at straws, he spoke again, “George may go to school as is proper for him to do but what of Lillian? You would abandon her?”

He leveled the words harshly and Alina knew the intent of their sting clearly.

He did not just ask if she would leave Lillian. He asked if she would leave them all.

If she would leave him.

Alina swallowed again, her throat was constricted and it hurt to speak—hurt to do anything in the moment. Warmth had left her and the sadness was frigid.

“Lillian is bright and accomplished and promises only to grow in her accomplishments. I would be a poor teacher to try to hold her as my charge forever when we both know there are finishing schools in the city where she could flourish properly into a young woman. Somewhere befitting someone of her station.”

Kirigan continued to glare at her and it made her angry all over again. Why should she carry the burden of his ire when it was he who rejected her?

Tears fell down her cheeks and Alina swiped at them furiously as she continued, “I w-would not be so selfish as to keep her longer than I am allowed. Not when I have nothing more to offer her.”

This statement rang between them. Kirigan raised his chin in defiance at the accusation.

The weight of it’s meaning landed hard between them and he looked at her with hatred for it.

His jaw clenched and he turned his head from her. “Very well. Three years then. I shall endeavor to make them as…painless as possible for you.”

They did not speak as they entered the kitchen. Nor as they ascended the stairs.

Lord Kirigan walked her to her door without comment. He waited as she relit her candle. He waited as she unlatched his traveling cloak from her shoulders.

He waited as she held the heavy, dark cloth out to him. The dark fathomless eyes bore into hers and it felt distinctly like a goodbye. A shutting away of something.

“I am…relieved you are home, my lord.” Alina whispered.

Kirigan gave her a short bow and closed the door behind him. Her chest ached with a breath-stealing throb.

*************

In his study, Kirigan’s hand closed over the bundle in his pocket.

The little bouquet of herbs wound tightly by Alina’s red ribbon. Plucked from the earth in the woods. The smallest measure of comfort he would allow himself for what was next.

In a few days time, his party would descend upon Blyth Fell. The very thing he had dreaded since that night years ago when he became the Lord of Blyth Fell.

Entertaining, guests, parties. It was the very thing that could unravel their lives.

The time had come to move forward, however. They could not live in secret and seclusion forever. Alina’s encounter in the village was proof of the work of idle tongues.

In the absence of normality, gossip would always swing to sensationalism.

If Lillian and George were to carry on properly in society after this, it was up to him as their father to play his part in society. Set the example and reclaim the Kirigan name for good society.

And yet, as he fell asleep in his armchair by the fire, the little bouquet clutched in his hands, he could not shake the aching in his chest. The persistent longing to hear Alina call him by his true name.

Just once. That would be enough. Then he could let her go.

#darklina server #aleksander morozova #alina starkov #alina x aleksander #darklina #darklina fanfic #darklina fic #grishaverse #the grisha trilogy #eventual hea #Victorian AU #shadow and bone fic #shadow & bone #shadow and bone

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jamestrmtx · 4 years ago

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Fairytale Complex - [Undertale | Sans x Reader]

[Gender Neutral, Frisk's Parent Reader | Slow Burn]

Chapter Eight | Dating Start! (Part 1 of 3)

[First] | [Previous] | [Next]

It's only when you're halfway into touring through Toriel's old home that you start to question how safe your decisions are.

Even if Frisk returned home safe and sound, that still doesn't brush off your concerns over them covering stuff up for the monsters' sake, and that still doesn't negate the bizarre factor that you're completely alone with someone capable of magic -- teleportation and telekinesis, more specifically -- adding to all that the poor state of your health and how it's still far from achieving its full recovery.

"And this's where they stayed before they left the Ruins," Sans says, opening a door leading into a children's bedroom, most of the space occupied by a bed, a wardrobe, and boxes of all sorts. Evidence of there being no one to habit or look after the room for what has to be a whole month now since the Barrier broke shows through thin layers of dust and dirt on most surfaces as well as cobwebs already strewn about the corners of the room. "You, uh, should probably wear this." He offers you a piece of cloth -- a bandana, to be more precise. You eye him over as you wonder where he could've possibly gotten it from and obtain an answer when he takes out another from his jacket’s front pockets. "It's for the dust," the monster explains, chuckling. "Even if it ain't that bad, I don't want you gettin' sick again so soon." When you give in with a smile, he adds, "...Thought I was tryna drug you or somethin'?"

You nod. "Yeah."

"Well, at least you're honest 'bout it."

You bite your smile back when he winks and look away after, still against befriending him too much with your current, limited knowledge of him. Then, you wear the bandana over your nose and mouth, though only after checking it hasn't been tampered with; finally, you tie a firm knot and approach his side, kneeling down next to a large, wooden chest when he does the same. He wipes some dust off the surface, opens it, and reveals a set of Frisk's clothes along with a few other stray belongings of theirs. Most of these are mundane and overall replaceable items, although invaluable in terms of fond memories -- these you'd taken notice of their absence in your household whenever you cleaned Frisk's bedroom during the time they were gone. There's plenty of stuff inside, from an old and worn, plush keychain once carrying their own set of house keys to the comb they used for their hair whenever they wanted to leave it below their neck. These are enough for you to start thinking about the past again and its unavoidable whirlwind of 'what-ifs', delaying whatever progress you were thinking of making in relation to moving on. "Tori stored everythin' they left behind when they went off to Snowdin, so if you wanna take any of that stuff with you, it's-"

You figure your eyes reveal you're about to give into crying when he stops talking, so you sniffle and look away again, failing to stop yourself from tearing up more when he asks, "You doing okay?"

His leveled tone and the silence that follows after his question reveal his sincerity, though you don't dare to look at him now that you're near crying up a storm. Thinking about how different life would've been had Frisk chosen to stay here at the Underground with only Toriel by their side far from alleviates the situation and -- rather -- summons a tidal wave right into your tear ducts, finally evoking the waterways you'd long since been holding back. "I- I'm okay." Your stuffy nose and stuttered reply demonstrate the complete opposite, something he appears to catch onto as well, judging by how he tries to get another look at you, only for you to shield yourself from his gaze again. "I just need a minute... But thank you, really."

When you've managed to wipe your face clean from tears, you catch a glimpse of him as you look back to see what he's doing. There's a noticeable trace of remorse present in his irises, an expression he gives background to when he turns to you and says, "Sorry about that -- It was tactless of me to show you somethin' like this so soon. And what I said didn't really top it off well, huh?"

His words are enough of a reason for you to face him with watery eyes once more. "N- No," you say, words murmured as you manage a small smile. "You don't have to apologize. That wasn't rude or anything. This is your job -- This is what you're meant to show me, and I was the one who... who started imagining things in the first place." Images of Frisk's life had they chosen to stay with Toriel continue to flash into your mind, but you manage to push most of them aside to focus on what's more important now. "It's just, I… I can't help thinking about how it would've been had… Frisk stayed here with you all." With that being let out of your chest, you take a deep breath and stand up, dusting off your clothes when you're done. "But now's not the time for me to bringing all this stuff up." You smile at him and add, "We have an agreement and a deadline. It wouldn't be fair for me to hold you back like this." You take a step back when he stands up, closes the chest, and turns to your side, somewhat wary of proximity now. "And you already did more than enough for me back at the hospital."

Leaving the room is your top priority now that you feel yourself growing too wary of everything, from the tiniest noise the empty house makes to the smallest change you can catch in the monster's face. Your walking pace is quick though restrained for the sake of politeness and discretion as you make way to the door; nonetheless, you have all your plans switched and delayed the second he places his hand over yours when you attempt to turn the handle around. Flinching is the first reaction he gets out of you, along with an instinct to push him away as far as you possibly can; still, you get a hold of yourself and only swat his hand away, a blatant signal for him to back away. Being aware of how helpful he's been the past month delivers guilt into your mind almost immediately, though you can't help feeling cornered by his presence the more you think and overthink about the situation, had he chosen to do his job as a sentry the proper way -- had he chosen to show no lenience or remorse. Whether had most monsters shown Frisk mercy for the sole sake of them being a child or for Frisk offering that mercy back to the monsters in the first place leaves you questioning over what would've happened had a more grown and morally grey person fallen here instead.

Toriel would've most likely not seen you as someone to care after.

And, based on what little you knew about the monster before you and how his magic worked, he wouldn't be so kind, either.

"What… What if I'd fallen, instead?"

You face him in the irises when you say that, and though every fiber of your being wants to apologize for nearly shoving him off of you, there's that one persistent part in your brain insisting you do things this way.

"I'm an adult, aren't I? Did you all just show compassion because Frisk's a child?"

"Some of the souls Asgore took were still children, so it's not because of that."

Your body turns cold and your eyes stay fixed on his face. How he dared to be so bold and maintain a sober expression throughout leaves you more and more worried over who you're taking a tour with.

"Why would you say it like that?"

"'Cause I won't get anywhere sugarcoatin' the truth. Frisk made us see things differently, and that helped create a change in how we did things around here. So if you'd done the same thing, it wouldn't have mattered whether you were a kid or not."

"...And how can I believe you?"

"'Fraid only time will tell, pal."

Well-aware you're not ready to continue with the tour yet, you press your back against the door, brace yourself with a hitched breath, and take a good look at every possible change you can catch in the monster's irises. Though you weren't that good at reading facial expressions and lying was even harder to figure out the less you knew the person, his gaze doesn't falter from yours and his choice of words along with his neutral tone are good enough to make you believe him for now -- at least, sufficient for you to keep the tour going and not doubt over the reason why he'd helped you get to a hospital, doing almost everything himself for reasons unknown beyond a paper keeping you bound to being protected by him. "I'm sorry for pushing you like that," you say, gaze faltering. "I didn't mean to act that way, and I'm... I'm sorry if I hurt you." You look back to him and see he's returned to his normal self; his serious expression's no longer present, but rather, his worryingly casual self makes its comeback -- the one you saw most often on him regardless of how tense or dire a situation became.

"Are you hurt anywhere?" you ask, taking a step closer, fueled by worry and a lingering, parental instinct.

"Only my feelings -- But just a lil' bit, though." he replies, grinning. "And here I was, thinkin' we made it past acquaintances to friends."

"Listen, I-"

"Don't sweat it, pal. I'm only jokin' with you."

"Still, I owe you a lot. And it's awful of me to be treating you like this. Are you… Are you okay with continuing with the tour today? I understand if you don't want to anymore."

"We can keep going." He winks. "You said it was my job, wasn't it? I won't back away now, unless you needa rest or somethin'."

With no further words exchanged between you, he helps settle Frisk's belongings into your backpack and you both leave the room after you're done.

The walk on the way to your next destination's quiet, up until he's about to push open the door leading to what you assume's none other than Snowdin.

"That being said…" He looks at you then. "Do ya wanna rest and eat somethin' now? It's been a few hours since we met at the bus stop. And I'm pretty sure there's a shopkeeper lady still sellin' stuff around here."

"Really? Even though everyone's left?" you ask, following him along when he opens the door. It gives in with an abrupt, ear-piercing creak, and a frigid gust of wind quickly makes its way into the home; the harshness of the cold can be felt even through the jacket you're wearing, though you don't want to show further weakness. Keeping the bandana on seems useful for more reasons now, though you take it off your face and wrap it around your neck for more warmth.

"Believe it or not, the whole law 'bout this place bein' dangerous gets bent easily whenever people wanna act as tourists on an island. The shopkeeper had no luck finding a job up there, so she saw that chance down 'ere and took it. It's a bit of a sacrifice for her to keep living down 'ere while her family just keeps moving on, but she says it's one worth taking." He stops to look at you, as if having an epiphany. "But that's just life in a nutshell, ain't it? You're pretty much doing somethin' similar by getting to know us 'stead of just hating us right from the start, aren’t ya? Almost everythin' worth doing ain't easy, so we gotta give each other credit where it's due."

• • •

His POV

The human returns from the shop fifteen minutes later with a tray of cinnamon bunnies and two hot chocolates, both they seem to have trouble carrying when their glasses fog up with the steam rising from both desserts. Sans snickers at the sight, though he still approaches them and helps them carry the two cups back to his spot at the front doorway of Grillby's old place, still warm with the owner's leftover flame magic. Then, he sits back down with them there and observes as they take a pastry with a napkin and offer it out to him.

"Go ahead," he says. "I've had 'em before, so I'd like to know what you think of 'em first."

(Y/N) nods and brings the pastry to their mouth, taking almost half of it away in one bite. Sans tries not to stare for too long, though he finds that a challenge when their face lights up and their stance straightens, both of these already revealing what they think about the cinnamon bunny. "It tastes great," they say, taking a break from eating to look at the three other pastries still left out on the tray. "And they're cute-looking, too. No wonder this place is so popular!" They finish their first pastry and, with a new napkin, offer one out to him. "Now you have some," they add, smiling at him. "Working on an empty stomach isn't good for you."

"A dead man talkin' about a hanged one, huh?" he taunts, grinning at them. "When's the last time you sat down to eat like this -- without any rush?"

They roll their eyes, albeit playfully. "...When I had lunch with Papyrus a few weeks ago? And, uh... When Toriel and Brenda brought me food at the hospital, maybe?"

"See what I mean?"

"Oh, shut up." They let out a laugh. The cinnamon bunny in their hand almost falls as a result of their outburst, but they manage to save it in a way that lands back on the tray, though still squishing up the shape of what once used to be a round bunny. "Look what you made me do!"

He looks down at the tray to see the situation's even more catastrophic than simply the pastry getting squished up by the fall. One of the bunny ears isn't there anymore and instead remains equally squished by the napkin they've yet to let go of. "It's not that bad," he says, snickering. "Missing ear aside, it's well... still recognizable."

Seeing an opportunity for him to try something, the skeleton moves a bit closer to their side, leans into the napkin in their hold, and bites on the missing ear, backing away after he has a secure hold of it. As expected -- and in sharp comparison to the incident at Toriel's old home -- they aren't on-edge presently and don't flinch away when being in closer contact with him.

He gulps the bit of pastry down and spares a quick look at their face when he's done, only to see them frozen in the very same spot they were left in before. "Uh... You okay?"

"Did you really just try that with me?" they question back, facing him with wide eyes.

Their previous stillness makes more sense now, yet right as he's about to apologize and believe that he's screwed up twice in one day, the human bursts out a laugh, sets the napkin down, and smacks his back, a playful act despite how hard they do it. "Nice one." They chuckle. "Really wouldn't have expected something so bold from you, but anyway..." They look at him with calm eyes -- as if he hadn't just crossed that many boundaries with them with one simple, yet highly invasive action. "That reminds me... How's that self-discovery stuff going for you? Have you... opened up to your brother about this yet?"

He's grateful they wait until a few passerby walk away before they ask that question, so he answers quickly with, "I'm still workin' on it, but I do feel more comfortable now."

They smile and all the (assumedly) fake shock from before fades when they say, "That's great!" Just as he thinks things can't get more flustering today, the human takes a new napkin and uses it to wipe something off his cheekbone. "You had some cinnamon on your face, by the way."

"Thanks," he says, facing away and taking in a sharp breath.

Hundreds upon thousands of questions begin surfacing into his mind, from something as simple as "What am I feeling right now?" and "Why do I even feel this way to begin with?" to "How did (Y/N) not freak the hell out when having me take such a risky move with that cinnamon bunny?"

Based on how they reacted when being put on the spot back at Toriel's old home, they clearly weren't ready for him to reveal whatever forlorn emotions he was beginning to feel recently.

And based on his own actions in response to those feelings, he clearly wasn't, either.

[First] | [Previous] | [Next]

• • •

This was meant to be this Monday's update, but I've been having some health-related issues the past week, and I'm still currently under recovery (which is... honestly nothing new for the readers of the old version of this fanfic -- I’m slowly getting used to my crappy immune system, lol).

In short, expect an update on the usual Saturday schedule, and another extra update on Sunday to make up for both Monday and Wednesday's missed updates (it's midnight on a Thursday right now, so I, uh... still ended up missing Wednesday's one -- oof).

With that being said, take care, and stay safe out there, everyone!

• • •

Tag List (Comment or message me if you want to be added to [or removed from] it!)

@the-simp-express

@nektotersh

@disastrous-l0vebug

@therealchickenjoe

@mintyflakes025

@pandaquick

#sans x reader #undertale x reader #lgbt #lgbt themes #gender neutral reader #male reader #female reader #mother reader #father reader #parent reader #chubby reader #long fic #romcom #adventure #mystery #platonic relationships #slow burn

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sugar-petals · 5 years ago

Note

Can you tell us how to please a soft sub and hard sub? Like what could a guy enjoy?

it’s 95% individual, i’d ask + negotiate before ideas for play. i can suggest scenes but still, it might not be his limits. to remember is what differenciates the two: hard subs enjoy pain + power, soft subs don’t.

you can likely please the latter if you’re a gentle femdom aficionado. still depends on what kind of GFD you like, but you can grow into the role you agree on, shift. it’s a bit easier: fewer prerequisites. ofc there’s etiquette + talent, but you can please by tuning into the role pretty well.

the former: not as flexible. there are set qualities. understand this as a ‘needed with good reason’ profile rather than gatekeeping. sadism is the requirement. no 50-50 zone, you feeling that you are a natural is key. your sub won’t be happy if you merely try it. it’s usually clear to a domme anyways, you either lick your fingers for s/m or not.

↳ as for specific kinks. what i can give you is a list of things to AVOID for each.💡it’s a roundabout way to see what he prefers and each sub’s a different case but it’s a compass.

✏︎ soft subs — don’ts

hair-pulling -> choose fondles and pats instead wherever he likes it the most.

name-calling -> praise is usually preferred

yelling -> whispering/soft-spoken, this is an asmr zone ☁️

hard spanking -> lighter squeezes

no squishy props -> use pillows, blankets, plushies if he wants. but, in any case, you’ll need pillows. can’t have enough of those.

tears -> only as a spontaneous release [during aftercare], most soft subs aren’t into dacryphilia

chaos -> soft subs love consistency.

too much genitalia focus -> don’t forget the smooches and forehead kisses, and massages possibly. if he likes that, tend to seemingly neglegible body parts even, like ears and toes. boop the nose.

toy overwhelm -> back to basics, never forget he loves your hands. idea: choose pastels for color if you do get toys. dramatic black/red/metal is for the hardcore femdom department and suits the mood better. you likely have that preference already if you strictly soft dom.

breath play -> stick to neck kisses. mouth gags, same thing, he probably isn’t comfortable with it.

leaving marks -> 50-50, again, ask what kind you can and cannot leave. if he likes it, do 20% marks, 80% affection.

pragmatic, planned aftercare -> make it extensive + adapt easily. seems counterintuitive since hard subs take a lot more, but let me tell you soft subs think aftercare is literal catnip. if you’re a big brain domme, you transfer some aftercare favorites to the main act. also, about pragmatism: unlike with hard subs (see list below: #21), come up with a more fine-tuned safeword/limit system. these are play scenes where you can go into many different directions so that’s why.

straightforward -> it’s no problem if you’re the indirect or shy type as a domme, it’s about careful questions toward him here. many soft subs approach their dommes well with wishes. ironically, hard subs are the other way around, they might anticipate more unless they’re very extroverted. the biggest hard subs were the quiet kiddos at school 😉 soft subs can be bubbly and reveal their demands rather easily.

deprioritize your orgasm -> make him tend to you in a lazy, slow demeanour. spoil each other.

all over the place -> stick to bedroom bed, bathtub and couch unless otherwise requested. the point is to have a safe and comfortable spot.

breaking him -> never push, always guide. again, consistency, no highs and lows.

suppressing critique -> he wants to know where to improve, show him exactly how to do things the right way and work with mistakes. not humiliating, more like teaching.

dungeon -> keep it above ground.

hands-on ownership -> show him he belongs to you in other ways. spoil him, that’s the best way.

high heels -> too impractical for 80% of GFD activities. fetish gear generally doesn’t work here. just mentioning, it’s probably already clear to everyone. and, purely soft dommes don’t gravitate towards dominatrix fashion in the first place.

passive -> unlike with hard subs, you likely do a lot of the work. soft dommes are busier than people expect.

atmosphere? -> switch on the fairy lights, candles, make it dim. make it as romantic as possible.

power imbalance -> air to breathe for any hard sub, but soft subs prefer flatter hierarchies. mind you, your position is still one of guidance.

✏︎ hard subs — don’ts

tender voice > grit and growl in their ear aye

questions > proportion-wise, give more commands instead.

no tools -> introduce some devices according to your couple taste.

lenience -> tame that provocateur 😄 you define where his place is. show him, physically. under your foot, kneeling, bowing? find that perfect position for the two of you.

only caressing > choke and slap him, but ask/announce right beforehand.

unbridled aggression -> misguided way of dominance unless it’s primal play. i know it’s more negatively connotated but deliberate brutality is the word, you exact it while keeping rather cool. unless... he fancies you as the angry mistress, or passionate, punishing. but then again, no aggression. just brutality. the difference is huge. the more sadistic the play, the more contained your action. not all understated, just very directed and according to how you spoke about it, and according to the feedback in front of you. you get perfect awareness, not dizzy tunnel vision and fluctuating feelings. i say brutality because it indicates a person knows what they’re doing. aggression and anger means you bottle your judgement. the brain switches off there, it gets too erratic. also, aggression is less severe and a means to an end while brutality is for its own sake and goes heavy which is what hard subs enjoy: since they’re masochists. aggressive and violent dommes are just assholes, brutal hard dommes... are good dommes. 😛

free reign clothes -> tell him what type of outfit makes him domme candy. experiment plenty. don’t worry, most hard subs enjoy being told what to wear. and even if they don’t, suggesting it won’t piss them off. also, you can get strict and exacting as fuck with this. hard subs want your possessiveness in creative ways.

plain undressed -> chances are CFNM could be a hot idea sometimes, or fetish wear which is often appreciated in all things hardcore. then again, dressing up is no must, but definitely try all-black outfits, suits etc, whatever makes you radiate authority and the upper hand. remember, hierarchy. your superiority is what he enjoys during sex, he actually gets confused if you don’t show it in your particular way. if it’s not clothes, it’s the voice, anyway. the voice lives in his head rent free.

no control -> full body attention, grope him the way he likes. also, the nape of his neck is where your hand belongs. guiding his head is just...mmh ❤️

monotony -> hard subs like a rollercoaster. roleplay = perfect opportunity.

static plans -> important: hard subs learn fast. since pain-pleasure is involved their sensations are more intense so feedback is usually unequivocal. mind you, soft subs can sort their preferences well but for them it takes exposure to variety.

what’s a nipple? -> pinching and more is most likely welcome. ask and test.

spoiling -> spoiling no. rewards, yes. he works for it. what does he work towards? pleasing you completely. in your body and commands.

shy domme -> when it comes down to it, you need to be resolute and eloquent. if you struggle with it, e.g. start with being stoic. pick your favorite pokerface and have a signature smirk lmao! and definitely do in-depth talks. yes, about his desires. unlike soft subs, some guys take more time to open up here.

dry -> lube. keep it wet, especially his tear ducts anyway.

unsure experiments/not knowing the outcome -> seriously tackle and prepare skills. yes, whip your pillow first. you can ‘try’ things with soft subs, but you ‘do’ things with hard subs. why? less room for errors. you please him by being precise. don’t let it intimidate you, simply take it as a responsibility he respects you greatly for.

heels -> hard subs might like that. plus, you’ll often simply stand. he does lots of the work. hard dommes can be more laid-back than you’d expect. remember, you kick his ass and give orders. he’s a pretty active party. exception: he’s tied up.

hesitation -> hard dommes have to be quick. especially since we edge a lot. also, never hesitate to praise.

forgetting skin -> stimulate large areas as much as you can.

unarmed -> chances are he likes knife play, ask about it.

too much caution and pampering -> an insult to his esteem. i’m not kidding. he feels in his element when you don’t hold back anxiously. trust his strength 😊 it’s a perk of femdom in the first place, you may be working on more muscles and often more space on the body, most maledoms don’t have that luxury. the same goes for safewording, keep it simple and applicable for the heat/reflex of the moment. it’s counterproductive to be overcautious since it makes it too complex.

the usual spot -> if he’s down: play everywhere, consider every room together. a cold and hard surface does something for a hard sub. as does rug burn if he likes that. make him do all kinds of things 100% naked on a carpet while you watch, it’s so humiliating. i did it, the result was my sub discovering even higher levels of sluttiness.

suppression -> ask him to let it out vocally when he’s shy or not experienced. you’ll both love what follows. most hard subs are screamers. i hope you don’t have neighbors.

soft illumination -> use artificial light. not just to make your patient - doctor roleplay perfect, but because a hard domme needs to see what she’s doing for safety reasons already. use your (soy wax!) candles to ruin his back instead.

serious -> hardcore femdom is at its best when it’s peppered with little giggles. bring a feather just in case.

PS: these can even apply if they enjoy doing both, you have to match your tone according to the mood and plan then.

#anon #ask #cub mail 🐆#d/s talk #long post #d/s ed #d/s etiquette

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dovechim · 6 years ago

Text

twist n’ dunk (m)

➾ werewolf jimin x reader

➾ 3.6k

➾ part of a series of drabbles for the dark side of the moon

➾ warnings: plenty of lactation, slight food play, oral (f), time skip, unprotected sex, lactation incorporated into intercourse, good old impregnation kink

➾ a/n: finally, this is my answer to how many pups they had :) that aside, im posting this to celebrate our golden boy’s birthday. happy birthday jimin, thank you for being a light in my life 🔆

“Why did you even invite them over if you were going to be so huffy about it?” You watch as your husband paces back and forth, nostrils flared and fists clenched in an attempt to control himself from mauling the two other male wolves currently sitting beside you on the couch.

Correction, sitting is far too vague of a description. More specifically, Jeongguk has his cheek on your rounded belly as his eyes remained focused on the television screen in front of him. Taehyung has one hand protectively on the other side of your belly as he tries his best to manage his game controller with the other. Meanwhile you are trashing both boys at Mario Kart.

Somehow you feel it’s because the normally competitive Jeongguk is far too distracted by the warmth of your belly to get upset about losing, and Taehyung is good naturedly letting you win. The only person who’s not having any fun whatsoever is Park Jimin.

Actually, the only reason why Jeongguk and Taehyung are here right now is because you made him invite them over, reason being that you need to spend some time with someone other than Jimin for a while. As much as you love your husband, sometimes pregnancy gets tiring and you just want an afternoon to have a break from him and his incessant worrying about his pups and just play mindless games.

So really, as jealous and fuming mad as Park Jimin is right now, your needs come first and he can’t object. He mutters that he needs the three of you out of his sight before he stalks to the kitchen and closes the door to try and make himself forget that you’re currently in close proximity of two very horny, very single male wolves.

Jeongguk’s nose twitches a little just as the round ends. He’s careful not to place too much pressure on you as he shifts his head to glance up at your breasts just above him. “Something smells sweet… are you lactating?”

At the mention of it, you look down and notice a wet patch on your shirt. Towards the late stage of your pregnancy, you began to leak every now and then, but it wouldn’t be very substantial. Just a few drops, but irritating enough to cause you to have to change your shirt.

“Oh pause, I need to get a new shirt,” you sigh as you put the controller down even though there’s no such thing as pausing in Mario Kart. Nevertheless, the two boys on the couch beside you drop their controllers obediently as well, not even taking advantage of this opportunity to win their first match.

“Jeongguk-ah, have you ever tried breast milk?” Taehyung says curiously as he glances at the wet patches on your chest. With their ultra-sensitive noses, you’re sure that they could probably smell the milk as well. It’ll only be a matter of time before Jimin realises what’s going on.

“Of course I haven’t,” the youngest looks as if he’s in a trance, he can’t stop himself from staring at your breasts. “When would I get the chance to? No one we know is pregnant except ______.”

You’re about to push both of them off just so you can get changed, but the fascination on their faces make you pause. Would it really be so bad if you sated their curiosity? After all, it’s not like either of them would get the opportunity to do so any time soon if not from you. It’s completely harmless.

And obviously you wouldn’t let them drink from the source; Jimin would throw a fit.

You reach under your loose shirt to pinch one nipple, feeling your finger wet with liquid before drawing it back out. Holding it in front of Jeongguk first, you glance nervously at the kitchen door.

“Just a little bit. Don’t tell Jimin.” You offer your finger to him, and the delighted youngest licks it gratefully, closing his eyes as he tries to get every single drop.

“It’s sweet, sweeter than normal milk,” his eyes open wide. “It’s thin but sweet.”

“Let me try please,” Taehyung begs from your other side, and you sigh, reaching back under your shirt to milk out a few more drops from your other nipple for him to taste. Likewise, he licks your finger gratefully.

“It’s like almond milk!” Taehyung exclaims as he glances longingly at your breasts, as if he wants more.

“Alright, that’s enough to sate your curiosity right?” You grumble as you start to push the both of them off. But then, you feel your breasts leak a little more onto your shirt, causing the wet patch to grow substantially. Usually you just let your breasts produce whatever they have and then change your shirt. But pinching and milking them this time must have stimulated a larger flow than normal.

You can feel both wolves’ rapt attention on your chest.

“Just a bit more, you’re leaking so much,” Jeongguk says with a small whine in his voice. “It’s such a shame to waste it.”

“What? I can’t let you do that, you know Jimin would rip your balls off if I let you do that,” you try to talk some sense into the youngest wolf, but all he can see is the wet patch on your chest.

Taehyung sighs and gives you his best puppy dog eyes. “He’s right. It’s all going to waste…”

Suddenly Jeongguk sits up with bright eyes. “I have an idea! Wait here please!”

His begging is so earnest that you sigh, watching him spring off from his seat and run into the kitchen. You hear Jimin’s voice as Jeongguk rummages for something in the kitchen, and then he’s back a second later with… a packet of oreos.

All you can do is stare at the youngest wolf in confusion as he rips the packet open, takes out an oreo and positions it in front of your chest.

“Noona, please. Just squirt some on my oreo.”

“What?”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I didn’t think of that, I love milk and oreos,” Taehyung gasps as he reaches for a oreo and holds it in front of your other breast. “I’ll take this side, so you can do us both at the same time!”

“I’m not aiming my tits at an oreo!” You exclaim in indignation. “I’m not a cow!”

“What are you doing?” Jimin appears from the kitchen, eyeing the three of you suspiciously as if he expected something else to be happening. But upon seeing this very strange sight of Jeongguk and Taehyung holding two oreos in front of your chest, the alpha wolf is visibly confused.

“We’re out of milk in the house, and we wanted some oreos,” Jeongguk says innocently. “Noona offered to help us out.”

Jimin’s gaze hardens as he turns to you. “You did?”

Your jaw drops at how easily Jeongguk just threw you under the bus just to stay in his alpha’s good books. But you’re thankful that when Jimin’s alpha side is angered, his more rational brain is hindered so he’s still trying to figure out the meaning of “help us out”. It takes him a while to arrive at the right conclusion.

“How would you even do that? You don’t mean…” his eyes finally drop to the front of your soaked shirt, and then he realises. “Are you… are you lactating?”

His eyes seem to grow a few shades darker as he takes in this new piece of knowledge. The two younger wolves visibly cower before Jimin.

“It-it was just so sweet and I thought it’d go well with oreos…” Jeongguk’s small voice pleads for leniency, but Taehyung elbows him hard in the ribs to shut up and stop making things worse.

“You tasted her already?” Jimin questions, his eyes shifting to Jeongguk and a low growl starting up in his chest.

“N-not straight from me obviously,” you laugh nervously as Jimin’s expression grows darker and darker. “I just collected some on my finger and…”

“Get out. Both of you.” Jimin’s tone brooks no arguments, and neither do the two wolves protest.

They nearly trip over each other in their haste to get to the door, and meanwhile you peel your sticky and wet shirt away from you in discomfort. Under his watchful gaze, you don’t dare to say a single word as you wait for your alpha to punish you as he deems fit.

“You let them taste you before me?” His tone of disbelief only adds to the undercurrent of fear that shoots down your spine. You should have realised this was a bad idea right from the beginning when Jimin was shooting you jealous looks.

“You never let me taste you before,” his anger dwindles down into a pitiful whine, and your heart softens.

“I’m sorry baby- I just…” You struggle to find the words that would appease both the human and alpha side of him.

But Jimin has long ago decided what he wants, and he kneels down in between your legs. “Since they tasted something of mine, I want to have something they’ll never have a chance to taste.”

His hands are on your thighs, gently spreading them apart as he pulls down your shorts and underwear in one swift motion. The scent of you immediately makes him salivate, though you’re not quite that wet yet. He starts by kissing your inner thighs, and the way he looks up at you over your rounded belly, eyes filled with hunger and need, is enough to make your breasts ache for his touch too.

You can feel your nipples leak a little more liquid, and you whine to draw his attention to them. You desperately want to feel his hands on your breasts, let him clean you up with his tongue.

“Nowyou want me?” Jimin watches as you desperately cup your own breasts as if to offer them to him. “Why should I get sloppy seconds? Why not get Jeongguk and Taehyung to suck on those for you?”

“No! Only want you,” you gasp as you pull your shirt up to expose your leaking nipples to him. The sight of you, round and full with his pups and leaking milk profusely, desperately whining his name is exactly the ego boost Jimin needs.

Without you realising, your thighs are now slick with arousal. Jimin pretends to ignore the agony you’re in and licks at your inner thighs instead, making his way toward your clit as he feasts on your pussy the way he likes it- messy, noisy till your arousal coats his chin. He spares you no mercy as he laves your clit with flat licks, two fingers gently spreading your lips and penetrating you shallowly.

You’re so close to your orgasm that you can feel it, but it’s not enough. You need to feel his mouth on your nipples, sucking the milk meant for his pups.

Thighs twitching and cheeks flushed, you reach down to grasp one of his hands desperately, needing to feel your alpha’s touch on you. Your breaths are coming in sobs in your chest; you feel like an absolute wreck. Breast leaking milk down over your rounded belly, thighs shaking and pussy clenching around nothing.

“Jimin, please!” You cry out, squeezing his hand hard, and that makes up pause in licking your clit and glance up with questioning look on his face.

“Please what?” He prompts, continuing to rub your clit. You know you won’t be able to cum like this, not unless you feel his mouth on your breasts.

“Suck me. Want you to taste the milk meant for your pups,” you admit in a small voice, utterly ashamed for having reached such levels of desperation.

Finally satisfied, Jimin smirks in victory as he rises to his feet, bending over so that his mouth reaches your breasts but keeping two fingers buried inside your cunt. His palm is snug against your clit as he keeps it still, and when he takes one nipple into his mouth, your walls clench around him in response. A few light suckles from him is all it takes to trigger your orgasm, and Jimin only moves his hand very minimally to help you ride it out.

“Dirty girl. All it took was a few sucks and you came all over my fingers,” Jimin is still licking his lips as he squeezes your other nipple, watching droplets of milk dribble out. “You’ll feed our pups so well.”

***

“Oh fuck,” you exhale as you rummage around your bag for the one essential item you can’t do without these days. “Fuck fuck fuck.”

“What happened?” Jimin turns to you in alarm. “The pups are ok. We left them at my parent’s house for the weekend, remember?”

You turn and glare at him in annoyance. Does he think you’re an idiot? “It’s not about the pups.”

“Then what?”

“I forgot my breast pump, I must have left it there,” you sigh as you check your bag again to make sure it’s really not there. “I only have one, and it’s such a long drive back…”

“I’ll just ask them to bring it over in the morning,” Jimin says as he opens the door to let the both of you in. “It’s too late now for them to drive here…”

“I know, but Jimin…” your voice trails off in a whine, and your alpha turns to look at you with concern etched all over his face. You tell yourself that he can’t possibly understand what it’s like, and it’s natural that he would be this clueless. “I’m so full, I need to pump now. I can’t wait till tomorrow.”

“Oh.” He registers your situation, and his eyes begin to dart around in a panic. “Oh my god. I um… I don’t know anyone else who might have a breast pump. Do we have a spare at home? Should I run out and get one? But all the stores are already closed and-“

By now the tightness in your breasts almost makes it feel as if they’re going to burst if you don’t pump right this second. Maybe it’s because they’re half wolf, but breastfeeding four of Jimin’s brats has ensured that your supply is higher than the normal human female. Your breasts are constantly full and leaking, and you rely on your trusty pump at least four times a day.

Your bra feels unbearably tight, so you reach to undo it, and the material is already soaked with milk. Jimin’s eyes zero in on your nipples against your shirt immediately like the horndog he is, and you can almost see him start to salivate.

Letting him taste your milk while the pups weren’t out yet was one thing, but now that his four little bastards demand every single drop you can produce, you don’t have enough to spare to fulfil his fantasies. Besides, once Jimin gets a taste of your milk, he tends to become insatiable. But now, seeing as the pups are safely at your parent’s house with enough milk to last them the weekend…

“Get over here,” you demand as you sit down on the bed, taking off your top in one smooth motion. Your breasts are heavy and warm, and dying for some relief from the pressure. Jimin looks as if it’s his lucky day as he makes a beeline for the spot beside you, his hands cupping your breasts and massaging them.

You direct his mouth onto your left nipple, already imagining the sweet relief as his lips close around them. He sucks earnestly, and as milk floods his mouth, you sigh in pleasure, the soothing rhythm of feeding along with the feeling of his wet tongue swirling around your nipple is all you’ve been waiting for.

Jimin has your full breast in his hand as he sucks greedily from you, once his mouth is full from the first few sucks, he glances up at you as if asking what you want him to do with the milk. He knows you usually store your extra milk for the pups, but…

You make eye contact with him, lips still wrapped around your nipple and cheeks rounded with your milk. Then you take pleasure in telling him something you’ve always wanted to say.

“Swallow it all.” You say, and Jimin obeys, and inwardly you do a dance of victory. How the tables have turned. All those times you gave him blowjobs and he put his thumb on your chin and asked you to swallow. Granted, you still think he got the better deal seeing as your milk tastes way better than his cum.

After a while, Jimin starts to develop a slight cramp in his neck, so he makes you lie down so he can position himself comfortably on his side, propped up by his arm as he continues to work at your breast. This act of feeding from you, the mother of his pups, has him feeling strangely vulnerable. Even though he’s no stranger to incorporating lactation into your bedroom play, something about today is different.

In fact, all these thoughts in his mind is making him hard, and involuntarily he grinds himself against your thigh.

You glance down to see the outline of his cock against his grey sweatpants, and with one arm wrapped around the back of his neck to keep him securely suckling on your breast, you reach down with the other to push down his pants and close your hand around his cock.

He mumbles a soft ‘fuck’ against your breast as you start to jerk him off, focusing your attention on his swollen head. The whole act is sinful- you feeding him milk meant for his pups while you jerk him off- but you can’t say it’s the most depraved thing you’ve ever done with Park Jimin.

Jimin detaches his lips once the flow of milk slows to a stop, and switches to the other breast. Your hand on his cock is getting him to his end far too quickly; it’s been ages since he last blew his load. The both of you have been so busy with all the pups that it was hard to get in some alone time.

“Can I ride you?” Your request comes out of nowhere, and it’s only then that Jimin notices that you’ve been rubbing your thighs together for quite some time.

“Fuck, get on my cock now,” he sits up and helps you push your skirt up, tearing your panties as you stroke his cock a few more times just to tease. “Slowly, we haven’t done this in a while.”

His warning makes you inch yourself cautiously onto his cock, feeling the stretch and burn. It’s the first time you’re feeling him inside you in a while, but your body remembers it and adjusts as you sink to his base. Jimin throws his head back and groans, hands tight around your waist as he clenches his thigh muscles in an effort not to cum.

“So fucking tight, even after you gave birth to all my pups,” he regains his composure to see how well your pussy takes his cock. “Should I keep you pregnant constantly? Hmmm? I think a round belly and tits leaking with milk is a good look on you.”

Your walls clench hard around him at the thought of it as you start to ride his cock slowly. The mention of milk has you pushing your other breast towards him, and Jimin gladly takes it into his mouth and starts to suckle once more. His hands help you to bounce gently on his cock as he continues to feed from your leaking breasts.

The harsh sucks from him are sending you closer and closer to your orgasm, but you can’t cum until he drains your breast. So Jimin works even harder to get every drop from you as he fucks into your cunt, wanting and needing you to cum first before he can seek his own pleasure.

He brings one hand up to pinch your nipple, causing a stream of milk to squirt onto his tongue as he gladly laps it all up. He continues the pressure on your breast as he milks you. “Look at you, riding my cock while I suck on your breasts. Look how fucking dirty you are. I bet you love it hmm? Love being the mother of my pups. Be a good girl and cum on my cock now so I can fill you up with even more babies.”

Jimin keeps sucking at your nipple as he reaches down to rub your clit, and that’s all it takes for you to come undone around him, his name on your lips as you walls squeeze tight around him. The warmth of your pussy contracting around him pushes Jimin over the edge as well as he spills his cum inside you. You collapse onto his chest as Jimin wraps his arms around you, still thrusting in and out to prolong his orgasm and motivated by habit to fuck his cum as deep as it can go inside you.

“How am I gonna feed your brats without thinking about just now?” You whine against his shoulder even as you feel his cock slowly slip out of you, and his thick cum starts to leak out.

“How am I gonna watch you feed them without wanting to fuck you?” Jimin muses back, his cock twitching at the thought. “You just look so fucking hot like that. They’re so lucky they get to suck on your breasts every day.”

He says this last sentence with a slight pout as he strokes through your hair.

But the feeling of his cum on your thigh makes you realise that you could easily get pregnant again this soon. “Shit, we didn’t use a condom! I’m not ready for more yet!!!”

“I’m so lucky to have you. You gave me such beautiful pups,” Jimin sighs happily, feeling as thought he is the luckiest man alive and oblivious to your annoyance as he grins like an idiot to himself. “I can’t wait for us to have more.”

#bts #ksmutclub #btsmaknaenet #bts smut #bts jimin smut #bts jimin

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sharp-teeth-and-archived · 5 years ago

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𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐓𝐒 .

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟏 : 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐎𝐔𝐓𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 . NAME: Andrew Milton. EYE COLOUR: A very dark shade of brown hues that look charcoal-like in low light. HAIR STYLE / COLOUR: A “high and tight haircut” with the sides completely shaven. Other than that he has black hair. HEIGHT: 6′1. CLOTHING STYLE: Milton grew up in a household that tended to dress more formal, always wanting to look presentable in someway and form. He tries his best to look presentable, only including red and black to his wardrobe to symbolize the agency. Almost always he dresses formal and pays a pretty penny to have his clothes tailored and high-class, he never slacks in his clothing choice. BEST PHYSICAL FEATURE: Some might be attracted to his slim figure. I would say his clothing suits him??

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟐 : 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐈𝐃𝐄 . FEARS: Going to hell, nosophobia, being buried alive. GUILTY PLEASURE: Reading (mystery novels most of the time, but historical or other informational literature is fine), learning about others secrets (or just general gossip), proving someone wrong/being right, curling up with a cup of coffee or tea, spending his money. BIGGEST PET PEEVE: Being ignored or his orders not being taken seriously, people drinking out of the milk carton than putting it in a glass, people with bad manners, people who use devil advocate constantly against his plans, a room/air filled with smoke from cigarettes, someone not finishing their drink. AMBITIONS FOR THE FUTURE: Maintaing his high status in the agency, living a comfortable and luxurious life, having Dutch see justice, ridding the new world of criminals.

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟑 : 𝐓𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒 . FIRST THOUGHTS WAKING UP: Most of the time it’s just the thought that he has to get up and get ready for the day. Milton keeps a pretty structural schedule in his day, but it’s not excessive to where there can’t be any leniency. So, he tends to follow that schedule and keep it in mind. Almost always after that initial thought he thinks of what he’s going to eat and acts on it. He runs through a list in his head mostly. WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT MOST: His job honestly. He thinks about the case he’s on, what else is needed for it, the direction of it and any added clues or changes in his plan. Milton isn’t a work alcoholic and knows when to take breaks, but he’s determined to see his job finished and carry out effectively (whether that be quick or with tactical planning, whatever gets it done and makes his investor happy). WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT BEFORE BED: It depends on the location. If he’s in a hotel someplace or at home, he makes sure his watch, glass of water, wallet, badge, and revolver is on the bedside table next to him (or his revolver is under his pillow). When camping, while that doesn’t happen often he has had a few instance where he made camp. He makes sure his tent is secure, the fire is lit, his items are nearby. No matter where he is, he makes sure there’s bullets in his gun. WHAT THEY THINK THEIR BEST QUALITY IS: His morals. he prides himself on being a “good citizen” and a “respectable human being.” He has a lot he prides himself on, but he really favors his morals and his standing whenever placed against a criminal.

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟒 : 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓’𝐒 𝐁𝐄𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑 ? SINGLE OR GROUP DATES: Single. TO BE LOVED OR RESPECTED: Either really. Not loved in a romantic sense, but he appreciates it when someone holds him in high regard, loves his work ethic, that his family and friends love him, that sort of love. But I would say more respected, since he really wants that before anything else and he feels like he deserves it. BEAUTY OR BRAINS: Brains. Beauty is nice and definitely catches Milton’s eye, but brains is what keeps him around a person. He would be annoyed if he felt like someone never intrigued him at all. A personality is what draws Milton even closer and solidifes a friendship or any other dynamic. DOGS OR CATS: Milton isn’t a large fan of animals overall, he doesn’t have any of his own. I would say he would prefer a dog over a cat, mostly because a dog would be easier for him to handle. He would hate being scratched and being at a cat’s wishes rather than a dog that tends to do whatever their owner wants.

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟓 : 𝐃𝐎 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘 … LIE: Yes, even though he wouldn’t like to admit it. Milton tends (or tries) to be honest and straightforward, but if something is in his favor by lying, then he’ll take that route. He would mostly lie to criminals than a random stranger on a street or someone that doesn’t commit any crimes. Milton may use a white lie when talking to anyone though if it’s beneficial in a situation. BELIEVE IN THEMSELVES: Yes, greatly. Pride could be one of his downfalls. Milton is very sure of himself and can be arrogant.. BELIEVE IN LOVE: Soulmates? no. But a true partnership and a shared love between two people? Yes. WANT SOMEONE: It’s not a proprietary by any means, but he welcomes it. Not in a romantic way, more in a friends with benefits scenario with a deep emotional connection. He likes having friends around him and enjoys that part of his life.

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟔 : 𝐇𝐀𝐕𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐄𝐘 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑 … BEEN ON STAGE: No. DONE DRUGS: In a lot of products in the 19th century modern day drugs were used, but Milton has not voluntarily smoked weed, snorted cocaine, or anything of that nature. He doesn’t smoke tobacco either.. CHANGED WHO THEY WERE TO FIT IN: Sort of. Milton would still argue its himself and he will voice his opinions no matter the company, but when he’s around investors int he agency (like Cornwall), he will change and up a few features of his personality to get in their good graces.

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟕 : 𝐅𝐀𝐕𝐎𝐔𝐑𝐈𝐓𝐄𝐒 . FAVOURITE COLOUR: Darker colors: Blacks, grays, reds. FAVOURITE ANIMAL: Nia Quail. FAVOURITE BOOK: N/A. FAVOURITE GAME: N/A.

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟖 : 𝐀𝐆𝐄 . DAY THEIR NEXT BIRTHDAY WILL BE: Thursday, December 24th. HOW OLD WILL THEY BE: Milton is almost two centuries away and would be dead by now, but in terms of adding Milton to my muse list: I guess 42?

𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐄𝐑 𝟎𝟎𝟗 : 𝐅𝐈𝐍𝐈𝐒𝐇 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐍𝐂𝐄 . I LOVE: to the core. I FEEL: Wooden floor, desk table, parchment. I HIDE : My misdeeds. I MISS: My father. I WISH: for justice & civilization.

#( 𝑰 𝒆𝒏𝒋𝒐𝒚 𝒔𝒐𝒄𝒊𝒆𝒕𝒚 𝒇𝒍𝒂𝒘𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒍𝒍 ; headcanon (( Milton ))#drug mention tw

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ohwereusingourmadeupnames · 5 years ago

Note

starker "My feelings for you mean more to me than your age."

do the thing - send in all the prompts.

I love all of these, so I appreciate the ask, my nonnie friend. I liked writing this one - insecure Tony is a favorite of mine.

word count: ~2k

They met at a bar.

Tony spent a lot of time after that first night thinking about the ethereal way Peter looked in the low light. The younger man was of an age that could easily range from the late end of his teens to the mid part of his twenties – Tony couldn’t tell, so he kept his distance. Being a man of certain proclivities, it was pertinent that he didn’t engage with men he couldn’t tell with. The last thing he needed in his life was trouble with the law.

Five minutes later, it didn’t seem to matter – the younger man approached him and the confident way he sat down at Tony’s table was too hard to resist.

“I saw you looking at me while I was looking at you. I’m Peter,” the brunette stated, his voice smooth, not a single trace of nerves or hesitancy within it. A straight shock to the dick if Tony ever experienced one.

“I guess I’m not as sneaky as I thought. Nice to know you, Pete – I’m Tony,” he finally replied, his eyes having sufficiently raked over the younger man before finding himself able to actually get any words out of his mouth. It’d been such a long time since someone this attractive decided to walk up to him instead of the other way around. Reveling in it, Tony ordered them both a drink and settled down to see what would come from this spitfire of a human.

Finding out he was freshly 21 (literally, he was there celebrating his birthday,) was a bit of a shock. That put more than twenty years of time between them. Even still, Tony couldn’t deny how many sparks flared as the night past – Peter was smart and seemed to know exactly what he wanted in life. Which, at the end of the night, ended up being Tony.

Fumbling into his apartment was such a rush, Peter’s hands were everywhere, his lips eagerly caressing Tony’s. He got the door shut and shoved the younger man against it. Peter’s eyes flared, his swollen bottom lip being bitten between his teeth – Tony’s eyes drawn to it, the redness of it exotic. “Fuck, daddy,” Peter muttered, brown eyes holding Tony’s when he looked up suddenly. There was purpose behind the words, the younger man nothing if not calculated all evening.

It did something to him, hearing Peter refer to him like that – he wasn’t secretive about his preference, younger men were something Tony couldn’t resist. Yet, he didn’t often find himself wanting to be that stereotypical ‘daddy’. He had the look and attitude, there wasn’t any denying that. It just never sat right, not until right that moment, anyway. Smirking in answer, Tony leaned forward, his lips pressing right to the shell of Peter’s ear. “That’s right, baby – daddy’s going to make you feel real good.”

And he did – many times over throughout the rest of the night. It amazed him how quickly Peter could bounce back after falling apart with what looked to be an intense orgasm. Tony worshipped his body with his tongue and teeth for a long time – his fingertips tripping over Peter’s length in the lightest of tease the first time he experienced the deliciousness of Peter reaching that metaphysical nirvana.

Tony spent the rest of the night chasing that arched neck and tightly clenched eyes – the way Peter’s lower jaw slackened and dropped in a silent scream etched itself into his brain with each time he got to see it. When he joined the younger man in the wash of heat boiling over, Tony bit down on Peter’s neck – his lover babbling ‘oh, daddy’ over and over again.

For the first couple of minutes the next morning, Tony lay completely still. A part of him assumed Peter would be gone by the time he woke up. Running his own tech company afforded him a little leniency in the mornings, so slept in like usual and was shocked to see the younger man when he first blinked his eyes open. Peter went against the tide in all ways, Tony supposed it made sense that he would with this, too.

Peter woke up not long after Tony and pressed a kiss to his lips. “Morning,” he mumbled, a yawn cutting the last syllable off a little. “Want to wake up in the shower together?” The words were contrasted by the younger man snuggling a bit further into Tony’s hold. The breath of his sigh tickled the hair on Tony’s neck, the stimulus making him slam his eyes shut – he couldn’t bear to jerk away, Peter’s heat against him felt too good.

“I could use a shower,” Tony answered after a few minutes, his arms wrapped tightly around Peter’s body, fingertips tracing over whatever skin he could reach. “I can think of a few ways to wake you up, too.” He let the hand on Peter’s hip drift until his fingers were brushing over a quickly gaining interest morning erection.

They didn’t resurface for a long time. Tony was thorough in his exploration and very adamant about making sure Peter was completely awake and ready to face the day ahead of him. Smelling himself on the other when he said goodbye to Peter at the door made him smile – one that would keep him company for the rest of the day.

Little by little, Peter started to make his way into Tony’s life. They were very similar in a lot of aspects. Peter spent most of his time outside of studying at NYU screwing around in the campus labs working on advanced experiments and creating things that would be easy to patent when he got them just right. He loved to learn and enjoyed classic rock and old movies - all the best things.

Tony felt himself liking Peter the longer they spent together.

Things were great when it was just the two of them. It was easy for Tony to get lost in Peter and forget about the glaringly large age gap that existed. In all the time he spent pursuing people half his age, he never actually found himself in a relationship with one. In actuality, Tony couldn’t recall the last time he’d been an actual boyfriend to someone else. And the last time he was, he probably wasn’t a very good one.

Treating Peter right was the only thing that really mattered to Tony now that he understood what it was like to care for another human more than himself. Sometimes, it seemed like them being together wasn’t treating the younger man very well. Despite a lot of their similarities, there were still a lot of differences – a lot of which stemmed from the vast differences in life experiences between them.

Every now and again, Peter insisted that Tony come with him to spend time with his friends. It wasn’t that he didn’t like them – MJ, Ned, and Harley were all good people that shared a similar sense of humor and interest base. Each of them was smart in their own right and not afraid to call bull shit when they saw it. The very first night Peter brought him around, MJ shook his hand and smirked at him. “He is a total daddy, Pete.”

It was always fun – but Tony left each time with a weird taste in his mouth. There were several references it took him a long time to puzzle out and the commonalities in terms of interests were not nearly as deep as they were with Peter alone. It made him feel that feeling that said he might be holding Peter back from experiences with people his own age.

Tony was inherently selfish, though – so he kept his thoughts to himself and enjoyed all the time he could with Peter by his side. The younger man practically lived with him most of the week and spent every second he could with Tony in the lab, or on the couch, or in their shared bed. It never ceased to amaze him; just how much Peter seemed to like him. That should have been enough – the simplicity of Peter’s feelings and how glaringly obvious the boy went out of his way to make them.

The weird insecurity reared his ugly head when Tony went to pick Peter up after his Friday afternoon class. Tony’s hands were already tingling with the anticipation of getting to touch Peter within the next few minutes. Sometimes he felt like an addict – like there wasn’t ever going to be enough time to take in and devote to worshipping the flawless skin.

His face was pulled into a smile until he saw Peter on the curb talking to a very handsome Harry Osborne – Tony recognized the kid from the many dinner parties he’d been forced to endure over the years. Gritting his teeth, Tony told himself to stay calm and pull up gently to the curb.

Peter looked up instantly, a soft smile on his face when he noticed Tony behind the wheel. He didn’t even turn back to say anything to the other guy – but Tony was too preoccupied to actually notice that. His boyfriend leaned across and pressed his lips to Tony’s cheek as he slide into the car, his touch almost enough to pull the older man back from the weirdness of his thoughts.

Not to miss an opportunity, Tony turned his head and gave Peter a real kiss, the warmth between them too delicious – the exquisite high of it something that would ultimately lead to Tony’s downfall. Clinging to it for a second longer, Tony pulled back and went about putting the car into drive. He seamlessly pulled away from the curb before he could let himself get lost in the sensual caress of Peter’s lips.

“Everything okay, Tony?” Peter asked, the silence in the car an abnormal thing for them. Tony usually started in right away with an explanation of his work or questions about Peter’s day. There weren’t many times when silence lingered between them – in fact, he couldn’t actually think of any. For the most part, things were really good. Which is why the little monster on his shoulder whispering sweetly insecure thoughts didn’t make any sense.

Placing a hand on Peter’s thigh, Tony gave it a squeeze, an attempt of a smile slipping across his lips. “You’re happy, right? I mean – you’re not letting yourself get tied down to an old guy just for the fun of it, right?” Tony was for once glad that his mind was occupied with something other than Peter, the mercy of moving his hands through the process of driving the only thing saving him from melting into a pool of embarrassment in his seat.

Peter laid his hand over top Tony’s on his thigh, soft fingers tangling with his own. “I love you, old man. I am very happy, and Harry Osbourne is just a friend. My feelings for you mean more to me than your age. I promise you, Tony – I’m in this because I want to be.” He stopped then, bringing Tony’s hand to his lips to nip at the knuckles there.

“Not just because you’re a sexy daddy, even though that’s a total plus.”

#starker #ironspider #ask prompts #age difference #au prompts #bobbie writes #fics #fic things #anonymous #nonnie #goindownshipping

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bb-8irl · 5 years ago

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I can’t believe I’m doing this again. The number of times I try to write out my feelings towards TROS, I always feel like I haven’t worded it properly, or haven’t said what I’ve needed to say. Or that I still have much to say when I’m done. But after seeing this movie three times, with having a week between the second and third I think I’ve got this. Also, I’m naturally optimistic, so this will probably come off more positive than negative, but I have a lot to say so I literally how no clue how this is going to go.

Heads up this is hella long, do bare with me. And I’m sorry I couldn’t figure out how to do the read more thing.

First, what Star Wars means to me.

To some people, it’s just movies, and yes it is. But they are some of my favorites, even though they are imperfect, I fall in love with the idea of a galaxy far far away. They take me to a world that I can escape to. They have given me characters that I adore, many of which I see parts of myself in, while others inspire me. As a kid I never really saw myself as a princess, I loved princess movies but I never felt like I fit in with them. No, I felt like a Jedi, I felt like this was a world I belonged to. I love the movies, the tv shows, comics, and books. Why do I think this is important to share, mainly for perspective and where I come from when I say what I say about TROS. You don’t have to be a life long fan to have an opinion on this, but this is just from a certain point of view. I’m a Reylo, and I’m going to have strong opinions as a SW fan and as a Reylo. Some opinions that you may agree or disagree with. I’m not here to argue. And I’m not here to say someone cannot feel differently towards any of this.

Where to start?

Well point blank, as an overall Star Wars movie what did I think? I don’t hate it, I don’t think it’s perfect and I think there are MANY problems with it and I really don’t wanna give JJ or Chris any credit for anything good that did come from this movie. But I can’t say that it was a horrible movie, I’d being lying if I said I wasn’t entertained. But it wasn’t great, and really missed the target.

So the writing…

Let me say first that I’m not a writer, or at least not professionally, I write for my own enjoyment in my free time. But in terms of the story we were given, it was…well again I didn’t hate it. But especially after thinking about it, and I know I can’t change anything, but I just wish it didn’t feel like the entire story revolves around Palpatine. Now I like the idea of Palpatine coming back, it does make sense since this mother fucker has been stirring the damn pot and has always had his hand in things. And as much as I actually love the opening sequence, I think it would have been more interesting to see in the in at least first act to see how everything for the resistance and first is going before Palpatine makes himself known. But if were gonna just talk about the literal writing, it was fine, especially Carrie’s scenes I think they did well writing them to try and make it fit. Star Wars in general for writing I give some lenience, just cause the writing has never been perfect, it’ll have its moments but not perfect. So yeah that’s where I stand with that.

Now breaking it down. What did I think? What I liked and didn’t like. What I would have done different.

The title scroll…again it just felt very Palpatine centric when I feel like it could have been a little less of him in the start.

Kylo fighting on Mustafar…HOT it’s fucking HOT because he’s HOT and it’s fucking HOT on Mustafar. Now it was after the fact of the first and second time I saw the movie that I found out he was on Mustafar, which makes sense plot wise if you know all the details of why he’s on Mustafar…and maybe I just didn’t identify they planet well and it’s just me who didn’t notice it was Mustafar. (JK it wasn’t just me, I told my roommate and she was pissed that they didn’t give us any helpful clues.) But I feel like that was something that maybe could have used a bit better of an explanation.

Kylo literally not having the time of day to deal with Palpatine. BIG MOOD BRO. And like that’s

He’s done being a puppet, he’s not playing around. And I’m proud of my boy for that. Also just the fact that he’s protective boyfriend literally not having it, there’s literally nothing he can be offered that can sway him from Rey.

It was interesting to kinda get a look at how how connected they are. (Hello force soulmates.) I did like seeing how their their memories really do intertwine into one. But I don’t really give JJ or Chris any of the force bond credit. That’s probably the one good thing they took from what Rian left them with and didn’t have to do a 180 on it. But again the force bond was Rian’s creation, they on expanded on it.

Now I like how Poe and Rey butt heads, it’s honestly how I expected that to go. Meanwhile Finn is in the middle of it, trying to keep his little sister and boyfriend from breaking into a full on MMA fight. Overall the trio was cute, I wouldn’t really change much about it honestly. Though they really gave us barely any Rose action which was sincerely disappointing.

Though it was a small interaction, Kylo and Hux was funny. I truly love how much they hate each other, comedic gold.

Pasana party looks like hoot and half. But they really had her look at a group of kids, and have a conversation about how Rey doesn’t have a last name, and played the whole oh she will get something like this by the end…bruh…it’s fine I’ll discuss that more later.

Rey and Bens first force Skype in TROS. He really said, “Palpatine wants you dead.” As a conversation starter, what a Solo. Anyways their conversation was angsty AF, and I expected nothing less than that. I love when he asks her why she didn’t take his hand she asks back, “You could have killed me. Why didn’t you?” And what I love from that is how she, at least from my perspective, answered his question with that question. Because the answer would be because I care/love you too much to ever hurt you. And I’ll bring this up later, but it kinda foreshadows what Rey tells him later.

He ripped that necklace off. And maybe I should have been offended…but that was…

FINN WAS NOT GOING TO TELL REY HE LOVES HER. I just really needed to say that. Also I know I caught on quicker than most but honestly the minute Finn says “It’s Ren.” My thought process was and I quote. “Mother fucker do you have something you would like to share with the class?” I kinda caught onto the early on that he is force sensitive.

And I’ll cover that topic now real quick. I love Finn, and I honestly am so happy for him. Them making him force sensitive doesn’t bother me, again happy for him. From a writing standpoint though I feel like JJ did that for when people try to say “oh you ruined about how it doesn’t matter where you come from, the force doesn’t care about bloodline.” This is where he points his finger and goes “see, look, we don’t know his bloodline.” And you know I hope that there are better intentions in that, but I wouldn’t be surprised if at least some of the intention was for JJ to try and cover his ass. Regardless I like Finn being force sensitive. But I feel like they were too subtle about to be introducing something like that so late in the game. It kinda just left a lot of people confused.

Also, Poe is a jealous boyfriend…nuff said.

And it was cute how BB-8 kinda had a learning lesson from Rey when she says, “you would have done the same.” When referring to force healing. And then BB-8 kinda uses that concept for D-O when he charges him.

Continuing on to the flip over the tie fighter was epic, shout out to Katie McDonnell who preformed that specific stunt. (I know she’s not the only stunt double, I’m just a fan of Katie, but major props to the whole stunt team.)

Oh and Kylo on Pasana is also…

Also the Chewie fake out I saw coming which kinda ruined anything emotional JJ was trying to pull on me.

Ok now to Kimji stuff.

Zorii is a cool character. I can buy the history the two had. You get a good feel for past chemistry but I like that she actually doesn’t wanna kiss him. Like I will kiss almost anyone (not Jabba the hut) in Star Wars (ok there’s a fair amount I wouldn’t) but Poe is on that list of whom I would kiss. So props to her for being all been there done that. And Babu Frik is precious.

Force Skype number 2. Firstly I‘m happy to hear the words “I never lied to you.” Come out of Kylos mouth. I’ve just always found that very important thing about him is how honest he is to Rey. He’s not a liar, he’s not deceptive, it’s not really in his character to do so, and specially to Rey I don’t think he would ever consider lying to her.

Ok…

The Rey Palpatine situation. I don’t love it but I also don’t hate it…but I don’t like it for sure. I can accept it as canon, but it leaves me with more questions…before I say what I would have done let me just first say this. I have questions on who the fuck did Palpatine fuck. This also just has me questioning the timeline and everything, especially watching it all again. I just started asking where everything falls into the timeline, was he part of raising his son, like there’s a lot of missing pieces, and it kinda just makes me ask why it was it was so important to make her a Palpatine. But like sure if I turn my brain off…ok…Rey is a Palpatine…sure, whatever makes the fanboys shut up on trying to make her a blood related Skywalker. And honestly JJ you don’t get credit for making Anti fanboys shut up. But at least they look EXTRA dumb now when they still try and make her related to Ben.

But ok, now lets really address this. It really was not that necessary to make her Palpatine and sure, yeah it happened. But I really liked the direction Rian was going with in TLJ, that it doesn’t matter who you, that anyone can be force sensitive, that it doesn’t matter where you come from, or who your parentage is, it’s just the matter of the force. What I wish they had went with was this idea that Rey was kinda born for the darkness and Ben for the light, just something very basic. And because they are kinda fighting for the opposite of which the were “created” for it causes a weird shift in the force. It would have fit will with what Rian had already written, explain why Rey is so strong with the force, being Bens equal, and quite literally it would barely change anything that was already there. Literally just changing any lines that involve Rey being Palpatine’s granddaughter. Related or not Palpatine could have known of Rey and was trying to seek here out, her parents wanted to protect leaving her on Jakku, telling Plutt they were selling her for drinking money to make sure there was nothing suspicious going on. Everything happens ala TFA and TLJ, Ben finds out where Rey is suppose to belong in the force, he tells her, she hates it because it’s everything she doesn’t want to be. We get it the ending and Palpatine does the whole kill me and because what you were created to be, Empress of the galaxy and harness all the sith. BOOM. You didn’t have to fuck with her parentage, you didn’t have to try to find loopholes in what Rian gave you. Cause all the shit I just wrote out, I’d believe, I’d that believe more than the whole Palpatine thing.

Hux was the spy…well I knew he was gonna be up to some bullshit but I didn’t expect that. And while I think that was an interesting twist I kinda was hoping with Hux something a little different. Kinda the same concept of “I need Kylo Ren to loose.” I feel like again if we started a bit before the whole Palpatine shit happens, it would have been interesting to see Hux trying to undermine Kylo. I was hoping to have seen Hux die, but I feel like his part was kinda thrown away. Again, there could have been great potential with him trying to “dethrone” Kylo. I never thought Hux as dumb and so it just felt like we missed out on him trying to take the power.

I love Jannah, I think she was a great character for Finn to relate to. But I’m just saying we had a good set up for a Stormtrooper rebellion…just saying that was some missed potential.

The Rey versus Dark!Rey stuff was cool, and I expected it to be something short, but just saying it would have been cool to have seen a bit more of that. AND would have been cool if it were a vision Ben had seen though.

“You can’t go back to her now. Like I can’t.” Oh my sweet baby boy. The crazy thing is too though is that he probably could have gone back, which is something he realizes when Leia reaches out to him not long after. But you know he wants to go back and truly feels helpless and can’t.

Also he crushed the Wayfinder with one hand…

The water fight was pretty epic. I was happy to see specifically in this fight and the final fight later on that they were fighting in a very similar way to the prequel Jedi. Like that shit is epic.

Ok and that moment when he stops himself from striking Rey, knowing that no matter how upset he might be at her, and how upset she is with him he never wants to hurt her.

Also I predicted that Leia’s death would be the starter for Bens redemption, and again I really felt for my baby boy. Also I definitely verbally screamed “No!” When Rey impaled him with his lightsaber.

Rey force healing Ben is a tender moment.

Now I know some people don’t like this, but I understand why Rey says, “I did want to take your hand. Ben’s hand.” And I get it. When we go back to when she asks him why he didn’t kill her it’s that same kinda answer he would give. She cares/loves him to much to see him destroyed. She knows that her following him to the dark side would turn him into something he’s not, and turn her into something she’s not. I know a lot of people find this as her not being able to accept him as Kylo, and I think she accepts him for all that he is, but doesn’t want him to loose who he really is. Because as Kylo has lived a tortured destructive life, and she wants him happy. She already knows the side he doesn’t let anyone but her see, and I think she knows that he would loose that. And then from her perspective for herself, Rey has never wanted power, or the want to rule. When he offered her his hand, and offered her basically everything he could, she never wanted any of that, you see that with Palpatine she’s never wanted to rule. Her saying she wanted Bens hand, it’s her telling him she doesn’t need anything but him for her to be with him and love him. And he’s never had that. With Luke he was the prize student, with Snoke he had to live up to this expectation of being Vader and being told he was never good enough. And Rey is there telling him that Ben is enough. It’s the equivalent of Ben saying, “you’re nothing. You come from nothing. But not to me.” He didn’t care where she came from, he loved her just for her, as she loves him for him.

(Wow that was a lot…but I at least think I finally got that out.)

Moving on.

I was so glad that they basically addressed the Han/Ben scene from TFA. For me it was always easy to see Bens struggle in that moment, I’ve always been empathetic with him cause I think of just about everything he had to do this was the most painful and regretful thing he’s ever done. And having to relive was so heartbreaking, but it important for him and important for the audience as a whole. This whole scene, as painful as it is, is healing. With Rey starting with healing him and his scar to him having to have that memory/conversation with his Father.

And yes I was absolutely broken by “Dad.” “I know”. I was so wrapped up in my emotions it took me the third time to realize that was their I love you.

So Rey going back to Ahch-to, and having her conversation with Luke. And like…again the whole Rey Palpatine thing, again fine it’s canon…this is fine. But this would have been so much less explanation…like I really feel like they made it harder for themselves by making her a Palpatine. But…fine it’s in canon.

Also Leia is a Jedi! Which was already hinted to with Leia training Rey. And Leia is continuously one of my favorite characters…but I never pinned her down to actually go through full on Jedi training. I can believe that she got byLuke but ok no she went all the way. And it’s not out of character for her to just hide something from the family, though this does almost butt heads against canon in terms of Han never even knew she trained…so JJ you kinda made another plot hole…you tried to cover it up, Jedi Leia is a cool concept, and the fact we needed two lightsabers cause someone decided to throw his into the ocean I see why you did it…but bro…she didn’t need be a Jedi to train Rey.

And ok the “some things are stronger than blood.” Which is a great message for her, which I’m just saying could have been used regardless of her parentage. But I digress.

Ok so the Exegol stuff.

Just kinda standard dialogue between Rey and Palps. Again if I could change it, it would really just be her not being his grandfather. The more I think about it the more unnecessary it becomes.

I know some people wanna question how Ben even got to Exegol, that’s honestly a plot hole I don’t mind waiting for the novelization to explain, doesn’t bother me, just thought I’d address it.

And seeing Ben Solo running in with nothing but a blaster in his hand, no plan, just his wife on his mind.

ALSO “ow!” Is the one Ben Solo line we got and it may be the one line…but says so much about Ben Solo.

And man the look that Rey and Ben give each other through the bond, that was the look of love and trust. And when she passes over the lightsaber and Ben freaking goes.

And then he takes on the Knights of Ren…

Oh I should address the Dyad situation. Honestly I’m all for anything that confirms that they are literal soulmates in the force. I mean we all kinda called this happening, now there is a literal name for this.

I will say I loved getting to hear from the Jedi, that was a touching moment, yeah it would have been cool to have actually seen them in force ghost form but that’s me being nit picky. Also would I have loved to have seen it be both Rey and Ben defeat Palpatine, they both have been fucked with by Palpatine. But it doesn’t bother me to see Rey defeat him. It again was just kinda a missed opportunity.

Now watching Ben pull himself from that pit and use every last bit of energy he has to get to Rey, scooping her into his arms, looking around helplessly, and hugging her close. Everyone could literally see the inner monologue he was having and my heart was BREAKING. JJ you don’t they any credit for that, Adam is just wonderful and amazing, and is the only one who deserves credit for that.

He gave her his life. HE FUCKING GAVE HER HIS LIFE!

(Heads up I’m just gonna first talk about from here on till I reach the end before I start talking about changes or things I would have done different…not to mention the thing that really has me upset.)

Now I see the full circle in terms of “finishing what Vader started”, that the whole big reason for Anakin's fall to the dark side was because he wanted to save the person he loved more than anything. So ok I see what you did there JJ, but by no means did that mean that he had to die…but I’m getting ahead of myself.

And can we talk about how Rey looks at him, I really don’t think she realizes what he’s actually done, but she just looks at him with love and adoration oh my fucking heart.

THEY KISS FOLKS REYLO CONFIRMED. They have canonized Reylo…painful as fuck after that so yeah.

And then it happens. Now ok…I have many feelings. But let’s just go with the fact that what’s happened…happened. Fact of the matter is he gave his life to Rey. Now it’s hella romantic, and I do think that if they had tried to kill him any other way I would be fuming (well I kinda am still). But yeah had it been any other way I would have rioted.

And then we get to the ending…celebration is cute. RIP Snap Wexley btw. Then we get to Tatooine. Now it took me a the THIRD time of seeing that movie to actually maybe understand what they were getting at. First two times I was like “really, this is how we end it?” And I’m still saying that, but I understand why she bury’s the lightsabers, it is a sense of closure for the Skywalkers. I’m just gonna assume Tatooine is not a permanent situation…that’s what I would hope at least. And I’m not too mad about her taking the name Skywalker, I guess since she just has to be a Palpatine, I wouldn’t wanna keep the Palpatine name either. And so as far as I know her and Ben are fucking married so let her take on the family name.

Was that ending what I would consider satisfying though? No, not really. Her lightsaber is cool and I’m glad she has one, but not still not satisfied.

Why am I not satisfied you might ask.

Here’s why.

Now if this is me excepting the fact of the matter that Ben is dead. I mainly have a problem with the fact that the ending is almost too vague and gives the audience little to no explanation. Sure I can be left to my assumptions and I’ll get to those, but the majority of the audiences initial interpretation of that ending is, Rey is now going to be just as she started, alone on a desert planet…like bro wtf. This could have been explained so much better, especially the fact that we specifically see Luke and Leia as force ghost. Look I’m gonna assume since I see no ghost Ben is either still with/part of Rey…or because there’s a chance of him coming back. But you could have explained it so much better, and I’m gonna read the novelization with hopes that there is a better explanation. The ending as a whole just felt incomplete, maybe because it was a lack of explanation or maybe something else. But this was suppose to be the end of 9 movies, you can explain yourself a bit more.

Now lemme talk about Bens death. While I would never accept him dying any other way, his death is what I would consider to be unnecessary. And I’m repeating what I said before, but I agree he finished what Vader started, saving the one they love from death, but that doesn’t mean he had to die. Like there’s literally in terms of the plot was no reason for him to die, it doesn’t further anything. Yes Rey is alive, but this is Star Wars all you have to say is “because the force wills it” and that’s all the explanation you would need. Oh Rey and Ben both get to live because the force wills it, because they are Dyad in the force, because they are the balance in the force. Live together, die together. They literally did not say anything about the consequences of force healing, so you literally have freedom to do whatever want. It would not have been impossible for Ben to of had a future, maybe not go to the resistance, but his life, his actual life was just beginning. Since he was in his mother’s womb he was being manipulated by Snoke, his life is turned upside down when his uncle was going to kill him, he runs to the one person he trusts in the galaxy who just so happens to turn out to be his abuser. He gets to be Ben solo for 15 minutes, has literally less than a minute of pure happiness…AND THEN KILL HIM. What’s the point?!?! JJ you literally retconed yourself with the whole die together thing and then kill ONE of them…how do you fuck yourself that badly. IT WAS LITERALLY IN THE SAME SEQUENCE.

And what’s the point of Rey looking at a group of children, probably wondering what it would be like to have a family to then leave her alone like that!

“I always hated that in movies, when you go along and one of the main characters gets killed. It’s a fairytale. You want everybody to live happily ever after and nothing bad happens.” - George fucking Lucas

And yes of course some people will die, it’s a war after all. But when he talks about this journey with a character, it’s not only cliche and over done, it’s just not necessary. Especially when it’s Star Wars a space fairytale where it should end with “and they all lived happily ever after.”

And let me give you perspective from those around me who never shipped Reylo. Firstly a friend who I saw it with my second time around who we’ve talked before about how she’s had in summary said “well I like Kylo more than I like Hux or Snoke.” And her leaving that theatre left her saying “I never realized how much I love Ben Solo.” And then was crushed by the fact that they decided to kill him. Another instance in my step sister who I encouraged to watch Star Wars, though she had no interest, she watched all the movies to humor me. And she knows I ship Reylo, and knows Ben is one of my favorite characters. We saw the movie last night and she, who has no attachment to him at all literally texted me about him dying and said “THAT WAS DEPRESSING” followed it by “I liked it. Like it wasn’t bad. But why did he die. That was totally unnecessary.” And we talked about the ending and how she did perceive Rey as being lonely on Tatooine. And I don’t wanna generalize what the general audiences perception is…but for a lot of people who don’t look too deeply into things, or theorize what things could mean, that’s what they are more than likely going to think.

Anyways, if I had my hands in on this Ben would not be dead. They would kiss, profess each others love. Ben would tell her to go to her friends and to meet him later. Rey would go and celebrate and then tell them she needs to go. She flies the falcon and meets up with Ben, ideally on Naboo. They take the lightsabers Padme’s mausoleum and leave the lightsabers there. Both Ben and Rey rebuild their lightsabers. Bens lightsaber would be white because let’s just say he somehow gets his crystal back and heals it, and Rey’s yellow. It ends with them in the field where Anakin and Padme once were and watch the sunset.

Hm…I don’t know about you but that sounds pretty fucking satisfying.

Now I could get into the fact that I do believe there are deleted scenes, there are different endings and they really thought that was the most satisfying one. And personally I would like to see them, so DFL if you see this, bring it on, you owe us this. That and if you were to give me comics or a novelization of Ben Solo bring brought back to life via world between worlds or whatsoever I will would like that and appreciate it. It’s not like it’s the first time you killed a character and then said “ha you thought they were dead but they’re not.” I just really think Ben deserves more time than what he was given. But I’m not gonna go crazy about how the ending was fucked around with or the alternative ones, I know it’s out there, and a lot of other people have already made post on it.

The movie as a whole is just kinda one big missed opportunity. Not all of it was bad, it had some moments, some things that I even really enjoyed. I appreciated them building onto the force bonds, but I give that credit for Rian cause those wouldn’t have happened without him. And it also just bothers me that JJ really just tried to take the long way around and stretch things around to make it fit with what Rian wrote. When in reality you had a great set up. You have some kind of insight into Rey, that she is drawn to the dark. Ben is supreme leader now what could that mean, and what could Hux possibly be up to. We could have seen some of the rebuilding of the resistance. The idea that maybe it is time for the Jedi order to end, that Ben is right that it’s time to let old things die, the Jedi and sith. And they just messed with it to no end to kinda make sense but, took the most complicated and exhausting route to get to where they did.

My roommate and I literally sat for about an hour discussing what we would have done and realized we had a more cohesive story that lines up with where Rian left off. Like…they really used all their brain cells on how to make Rey being a Palpatine work when that didn’t have to be a thing, they focused all their energy on making Palpatine be part of the whole movie which was not necessary, for the whole plot.

So this isn’t left on an negative, everyone performance wise was amazing. All this above is not a reflection on any of the actors. Daisy showed some incredible growth as an actress and in Rey. Adam was amazing as always and is truly a genius when it comes to understanding his character. Oscar and John were on point, and as far as I know Finn and Poe end up settling down together and stormpilot is canon in my eyes. All my love to The ENTIRE cast.

I know this was a lot, if you actually read all of this I really appreciate it. A lot of this I needed to just get off my chest. I’ll probably have more things to say later on, maybe my mind will change after thinking about something. But for now this is it. Thanks for reading this, hope it all makes sense. I hate to ever say negative things, I like to be positive and optimistic but it’s better to not suppress any of these feeling either.

May the force be with all of you. Always.

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