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xcziel · 3 years

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get to know me

tagged by @vishcount (thank you!!) and i'll follow her format bc making two posts seems a little much - i'm not that interesting!!

(hilariously, this post shows up as blocked for me bc of the tag 'joker' which? tumblr?????)

Part I

name: i'm an internet old, so i never use my real name online, mainly because it's spelled in a very unique way (thanks mom & dad) - i mean like, if you googled it you could find my home address in a few seconds kind of unique - but also, though i do enjoy the spelling, i actually don't like it very much when it's said out loud? (is it weird that my name written down is 'me', but my name aloud has never felt like 'me'?) always wanted a nickname but never acquired one :/

at any rate, i've had the username xcziel forever and i go by that 😊 (pronounced ex-SEE-zee-el, similar to etc. or ex-SET-er-ah! thanks @xia-xueyi for pointing out that it can be confusing to guess!)

rest behind a cut because it got long!

pronouns: she/her

star sign: i don't ... really *do* astrology? but technically saggitarius

height: 5'4" (162.5cm for the intl folks)

time: 5:43pm but these thing take me forever to type out so ... ???

birthday: playing the 'internet old' card again .. but it floats around american Thanksgiving depending on the year

nationality: american

fave bands/groups/solo artists: lumping these together because i just .. don't really do music much anymore. if you had asked me this back in my 20s i'm sure i would have had all kinds of opinions and things to share, but these days i actually mostly prefer to listen music from when i was a kid. part of it is also that as an old, i prefer to buy my music, even digitally, and i don't really use spotify - which does so much to enable diverse music exploration i admit! but i mostly have earplugs in all the time and music does not work for me as background noise, so...

so i guess my answer would be 70s disco and classic rock and 80s new wave artists? i've never liked any artist's entire discography and prefer greatest hits-type compilations, but i guess duran duran and def leppard and depeche mode would be considered formative? i love new order but specifically late 80s new order, NOT joy division. the only concert t-shirt i've ever worn was the cult? i loved sonic temple but i can't listen to most of it anymore though i still adore love removal machine. i think maybe if you get old enough, for some of us there's TOO MUCH good music and we can't pare it down anymore

song stuck in your head: jamiroquai's canned heat

last movie you watched: re: the above, i re-watched center stage, the 2000 one with zoe saldana and the mandy moore soundtrack, bc it's a happy comfort movie and i just got a digital version

last show you binged: i can't really "binge" very often bc after a couple of hours i need a break, so i guess i'd say the tgcf donghua on netflix since it was short enough to get through all in one go

when you created your blog: in 2012 i stopped lurking so i could post about the avengers movie

the last thing you googled: 5'4" in cm? lol before that it was chinese wrapped street food

other blogs: everything is here! i discovered i compartmentalize about as well as i tag reliably (😓) but i do have several automated ao3feed-tag style sideblogs. and i did, very briefly, have a *winces* hockey sideblog too

why i chose my url: ooh i know i've done this before, sorry if it's repetitive, basically it was the username i picked back when my family first got aol: short, unique combo of letters - 14-year-old me really thought about it! and then it wouldn't let me use anything other than my name. thirty-some-odd years later, trying to come up with a livejournal username that wasn't already taken and getting fed up, i plugged it in and went: good enough!

how many people are you following: like 760-something last i checked? although many, many, many of them are deactivated

how many followers do you have: idk i don't like looking at that stuff, but way fewer than i am following

average hours of sleep: it varies too much day by day, my sleep schedule is too wonky, i have no idea what the average would be

lucky numbers: 7? cliché i know, and again not really buying into it, but somewhere in my hindbrain i like it that my first, middle, and last names all have seven letters

instruments: none. i like singing

what i'm currently wearing: giant black t-shirt and baggy black drawstring shorts, standard sitting around the house gear

dream job: don't have one. if i did it would give me something to be working towards *sigh* this is how you end up in retail for decades, kids! but also, to quote a random post i saw in true tumblr fashion "i simply do not dream of labor"

dream trip: covered this one before but: back to the uk and some railway daytrips, or a really fancy northern cruise, atlantic/pacific either one

fave food: uhhh, don't really have a favorite but i'm almost always in the mood for pizza

top three fictional universe you'd like to live in: none really, if i had to still be me..maybe some kind of actually utopian future? but the pandemic has confirmed for me that i do NOT like living in interesting times, so most fictional story universes are RIGHT out. my favorites to read about like discworld or diana wynne jones' worlds would be way to chaotic for my comfort. possibly diane duane's young wizards universe would be safe enough to be okay?

Part II

last song: watching center stage made me think of my dance playlist so sunrise by simply red

last movielast stream: i don't watch streams or youtube often, so it was the same as you, vish! liu chang's birthday stream was SO enjoyable i screenrecorded the entire thing just so i could play it back (and maybe gif sometime if i ever get the drive to actually do it)

currently reading: well i just finished the translated quan qiu gao kao or global university entrance exam novel, which was sparked purely from catching a single rec post here on tumblr and basically just *falling* into this 166 chapter epic that is *amazing* and not coming up for air until i got to the end, which is typical novel-reading behavior for me (yes i was the kid who read through lunch period and got hassled by people who kept pestering me with "what're you reading" questions and yes i realize probably a lot of you on tumblr were too) plus, the new murderbot novel is out tomorrow!!!!! so that'll be where i end up next!

currently watching: the entire dmbj verse (that i can get my hands on) but ... sporadically and stopping at random different parts because the thing is ... this type of show is not really the kind i enjoy so much? so since it's more for "research" and learning character arcs (and let's be honest: shots of liu sang), etc. it's easy to get distracted by other stuff. i'm also watching the sleuth of the ming dynasty, mr queen, bromance, the expanse, re-watching farscape and stargate sg-1, just finished the falcon and the winter soldier, and then anytime something new and short gets introduced it jumps the queue. there are just. so. many. things. to. watch! (now i have to look into anti-fraud league too!? you all are cruel ...)

what is antipoetry to you: i ... don't really think much about poetry? i know what i prefer is usually the more basic rhymed kind like lewis carroll, emily dickinson, poe, coleridge, etc. so i suppose i don't have much use for classifying non-rhyming verse? i can appreciate stuff like rupi kaur which i guess would qualify? or that william carlos williams plums poem? but it doesn't really stick with me the way lyric-like verse does

currently craving: i never know what exactly this is meant to be in reference to ... hmmm, i would love a new high-concept, high production-quality movie like say, pacific rim, to be released, just for that massive, excited energy that comes with something new that hasn't already got tons of disappointing or conflicting history behind it - that would be so fun!!

other than that, right now, i mostly kinda want some fried fish? but that will have to wait until i go to get my second vaccine shot on wednesday since it's on the way there. i'd also like my internal body parts to settle down and fly right but it's been more than a month and they don't seem inclined :(((( maybe once i'm fully vaxxed i'll think about consulting somebody about it

tagging @foxofninetales @xia-xueyi @momosandlemonsoda @memorydragon @thewindsofsong @elvencantation @mylastbraincql @hesayshesgotboyfriend @aurawolfgirl2000 @smaragdine-galaxy and anyone who wants to! but never feel obligated and if you don't get around to it for like half a year that's totally fine, i am still interested!!!

#xcedit #is my only like 'me' tag #tag game #long post #i wanna do one of these with more unusual questions but not like those themed ones ...#tell me if the cut doesn't work i'm still not used to having them on mobile!

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ddixons-angel · 4 years

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Safe

Requested by Anonymous

Gosh, I am SO SO SORRY that this took so long for me to post! Writer’s block hit me hard when the quarantine started and I couldn’t come up with anything that I felt was worth while... I hope this is up to par! I’ll be trying to work on the other requests too! Hopefully they don’t take that long?? Please let me know what you think of this!

Prompts: 24. “You can’t just come and go whenever you feel like it, that’s not how this works!” 25. “You wanna know the biggest difference between you and me? I actually care what happens to you!

Mid-Season 6, Pre-Negan, Alexandria

Reader feels suffocated surrounded by the walls of Alexandria and decides to leave for a few days making a worried and pissed off Daryl chase after her.

Trapped. That’s all you felt when you were in the walls of Alexandria. Trapped and suffocated. It was supposed to be a safe zone for you and your family but from what happened just a few weeks ago, you couldn’t see it as a safe place anymore. Not if people didn’t bother to change. The walls had collapsed and let in a huge herd of walkers. Luckily, your family was safe, but that was because they knew what they were doing. They knew how to survive. The others that were in Alexandria at the start though? They didn’t know anything, and even when they lost people, even after they saw the dangers of the outside wander into their home, they were still able to be ignorant and pretend life was still fine as long as they repaired the walls. It was bullshit.

And so, with that mindset you left Alexandria. You knew that you weren’t going to be gone for good, you just needed a couple of days outside otherwise you’d go crazy. The last thing anyone needed was for you to lash out. You left a note on the pillow of your bed for whoever to find so no one would actually worry too much. Of course, you knew that there was one person who would still freak out after finding out you were gone and would rush out to find you. Luckily, Daryl was on a run with Aaron so you had a few days before you would have to come back to prevent him from losing his mind.

Now, here you were in the middle of the woods surrounded by trees, nature, and foliage. You set up your camp and have been outside the walls for two days now and you were loving it. You finally felt free and yourself again. Although you knew that you would have to return to the place you forced yourself to call home so that the others wouldn’t worry. You were starting to regret not writing that you would be back in a few weeks rather than just a few days.

Rustling and snapping of branches caught your attention as your ears perk up, alert and aware that you weren’t alone anymore. You turn to look behind you with your hand unbuckling the holster of your gun that was equipped to your belt. Anything could be out in the woods, if you were lucky it was an animal or just a stray walker. If you weren’t so lucky, it could be a herd of walkers or a person with ill intentions. You stay completely still, eagerly and intently listening to try and figure out whatever was lurking around your temporary campsite. You didn’t hear any snarling or growling, which meant it wasn’t a walker. That could either be really good or really bad, and you weren’t going to let your guard down. You quickly pull out your gun from its holster and hold it up as you step out to see what was lurking in the woods. You let out a breath when you come face to face with Daryl wielding his crossbow, his icy blue eyes glaring at you.

“Thought hunters were supposed to be quiet,” you remark as you lower your gun and put it back in its holster.

“Thought ya were supposed to be inside them walls,” Daryl retorts, lowering his crossbow but still glaring at you; judging by the tone of his voice, yep, he was pissed.

You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at his words. He knew how much you hated being inside those walls, how suffocating they were for both of you. You knew that he knew that too, yet here he was, scolding you for being outside.

“I can handle myself,” you say before turning around and returning back to your campsite.

You hear shuffling behind you but you didn’t bother looking back, you knew that Daryl would be following closely behind you. Instead, you sit back in your spot before you heard his footsteps.

“So, ya jus’ packed up and ran away, ‘s that it?” Daryl says after a few moments of silence, he took a good look at the camp and figured it out rather quickly.

“What makes you say that I ran away?” you ask; stubbornness was always your strong point.

“Sure as hell don’t seem like ya on no run,” he says, taking a seat on the ground beside you, “also saw yer note ya left...”

You glance at him with a confused frown, that means he went back to Alexandria before he found you, “weren’t you on a five day run or something?”

“Came back early, Aaron wanted to.” Daryl answers simply, his expression told you clearly that he had something on his mind, “I wanted to...”

This confused you even more, “but you like it out here more, why would you want to come back so quick?”

“‘Cause I like bein’ with ya more!” Daryl snaps as he looks at you, you stay silent, not knowing what to say to that and Daryl takes your silence as a sign to keep yelling at you, “I didn’ wanna come back when Aaron said it first but then I thought o’ ya ‘n’ tha’s when I realized how much I missed ya.”

You stare at him, completely dumbfounded at his confession. You and Daryl always had something unspoken, you both cared deeply for each other and you would certainly die for the man. Daryl was never someone who poured his heart out in words. The fact that he was sitting with you, straightforwardly telling you that he wanted to come back to a place that suffocated him just because he missed you brought back the butterflies in your stomach that you tried so hard to suppress.

“But when I got back... ya weren’t there! All I got was some stupid note sayin’ that ya left!” he says, frustrated, angry, and hurt.

“Daryl, I-” he doesn’t let you speak.

“Ya can’t jus’ come and go whenever ya feel like it, that ain’t how this works!” he seethes, standing up and looking down at you.

You sigh and get up as well, your eyes not leaving his, “can I explain myself?”

You wait for Daryl to give you permission to keep talking and you take his silence as that, “it’s suffocating behind those walls, you know that better than anyone, that’s why you go on those runs with Aaron. I feel the same, Daryl, I feel trapped and suffocated and it doesn’t help that I have Deanna’s kid bothering me every chance he gets.”

“It’s safer for ya to be behind those walls, ya know that.” he stands his ground.

“If I stayed in there for another day I would have lost my mind!” it was your turn to snap.

“I’d rather have ya lose yer mind than be hurt or dead! I know you’re pissed that I get to be out here and ya gotta be locked up inside that place, but ya wanna know why? ‘Cause ya ‘n’ me are different! And ya wanna know the biggest difference between ya and me? I actually care what happens to ya! What the hell am I supposed to do if somethin’ happens to ya out here?!” Daryl shouts, heaving heavily.

Quickly, you take a few steps towards Daryl and wrap your arms around him. You hold him tightly as you feel him freeze under your touch. Slowly but surely, he eases into your embrace, wrapping his arms around you, letting you feel safe and protected.

“I’m sorry I worried you, I didn’t know you cared that much about me.” you say softly.

“Well, I do...” he sighs, “I know ya don’ like being trapped in Alexandria, but I just want ya safe.”

“I know...” you say, then a thought occurs to you and you pull away from the hug to look up at Daryl, “what if I came out here with you?”

He furrows his brows together at your suggestion, “whaddya mean?”

“Talk Deanna into letting me go on runs with you and Aaron, that way you can keep your eye on me and I can keep you safe.” you say with a cheeky grin.

Daryl rolls his eyes and scoffs with a smirk, “ya wanna keep me safe?”

“Yeah, to be fair, that’s what i’ve been doing since the farm.” you say, your grin not faltering.

“Ya sure it ain’t the other way around?” he eyes you playfully.

“I’m very sure,” you giggle as he ruffles your hair and sits by the burnt wood you would light as a fire, you watch him as he assembles sticks of wood with burnt ones, “what are you doing?”

“Gonna be dark soon, we need some kinda light.” he says, not looking at you.

“Aren’t we going back to Alexandria?” you ask.

He glances up at you then back at the unlit campfire, “Nah, didn’ really wanna be back yet, I got all I need right here.”

Your heart flutters at his words and you knew he knew the effect his words had on you as his lips curled into a smirk. You aren’t able to help your smile as you sit down beside him. You and Daryl both knew that you would have to go back to Alexandria soon, but at this moment, you didn’t want to think about that. Anywhere with Daryl was the safest place on Earth, it didn’t matter that you didn’t have walls surrounding you. He would keep you safe, and you would definitely do the same for him.

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I hope everyone stays safe and healthy, please don’t panic, we will get through this!

And as always, I would really appreciate any comments left for me! I’ll be replying to any comments in a new post because this is a sideblog!

Taglist (please let me know if you’d list to be added/removed!):

#Daryl Dixon #Daryl Dixon Fanfic #Daryl Dixon Fanfiction #Daryl Dixon Imagine #Daryl Dixon X Reader #Daryl Dixon/Reader #TWD #TWD Fanfic #TWD Fanfiction #TWD Imagine #The Walking Dead #The Walking Dead Fanfic #The Walking Dead Fanfiction #The Walking Dead Imagine #Daryl Dixon & Reader

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confusedhost-archive · 4 years

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She-Ra tumblr au

I made this with @maycombhoney at some point and was thinking about it earlier today.

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Adora: Has a popular sideblog named She-Ra about her boxing and fighting abilities but very few people follow her main account. Her sideblog is simple, with a lot of self defense tips and stuff, and sometimes people see reblogs of stuff that are supposed to go to her main account show up. They’re pretty boring, so they usually don’t check out the main account

Glimmer: Lots of sparkly moodboards and stuff with a really pretty aesthetic, and that’s all you see when you follow, but once you’re following, your dash starts having a bunch of vent posts about her mom and there’s a lot of discourse. Glimmer gets mad at posts easily. There’s also a lot of anon hate to her. It’s kinda depressing. If she ever posts art, she often has to take it down because no matter how often she says not to, people repost it, and she can’t let her mom connect the dots.

Bow: He talks a lot about bows. Shows off a lot of his arrow creations and how-to's on making them at home. They’re too complicated to actually work though. Most of his followers find him through Adora’s side blog She-Ra, where he’s often tagged. It’s usually because she posts selfies of their adventures and he’s in them. Glimmer is too, but she’s well known on her own.

Double Trouble: Their username is from some small fandom no one has ever heard of, their profile pic is from some abandoned cartoon from a year ago, their header is a gif scene from at least three different shows that were shot in the same place, and their line underneath is a quote from an old musical from the 90′s. The blog is about none of those and has a bunch of posts from a show no one can find. They often get asks about what show it is, to which they give a name, and when they’re asked for a link, it never seems to work. People have given up. At some point, someone noticed that you can actually figure out what’s going on in the show if you look at the gif sets and put them together in order of episode (which is labeled at the bottom). See the thing is, Double Trouble is using the mystery and confusion of this blog to advertise the show they wrote, directed and acted out. No one knows how it’s possible, but the people who know what happened are both under oath to not tell anyone and also extremely confused as to how Double Trouble managed it. Including me. I don’t know how it was managed, but I do have a theory that I’m about to send to @sheblah. This does mean that she’s required to post my thing the moment she sees it. Edit: She didn’t so I have to take matters into my own hands. Here’s the post I made with it

Catra: Catra’s posts have been a lot of discourse posts, with her being wrong. You can see in the tags that she knows exactly what she’s doing and that she’s making the wrong posts to be a jerk. She and Adora used to be mutuals (no one knows how, there’s no way their blogs should have ever crossed) but Adora saw one of her discourse posts and blocked her for around a month. After that, Catra stopped trying to reconnect. Now! Catra is less of a jerk on her tumblr and posts a bunch of cute photos of her therapy animal, Melog (no one knows what species Melog is but whatever-) and reblogs a lot of stuff about therapy and anger management. One day she put up a post about how she was getting therapy, and people spammed her with congratulations. She told them that she was crying and thanked them all deeply. Sometimes people still bring up how horrible she was and she has to put out a post saying how she recognizes this and she apologizes for everything she did. She nearly never answers the hate asks. She’s getting better.

Perfuma: She has a cottagecore aesthetic account, it’s really pretty. She once made a cactus hating post and it blew up. She gets anons making fun of her for it to this day. Very annoying. Most people follow her for the discourse she participates in. It can be quiet for weeks, months even, and then she’ll find some idiot saying something dumb and will fight for, days sometimes, to set them right. It used to be Catra that she would fight with a lot. They ended up becoming enemy mutuals, following each other in order to mess up the other’s discourse post. This also meant that Perfuma was the first to see and cause change in Catra’s way of thinking and actions. Perfuma always reminds herself of the fact that she helped someone change for the better once. She’s proud.

Frosta: Is not legally allowed to be on tumblr. It’s a problem. But at the same time she just? Doesn’t seem to follow anyone at all? Sometimes people will send asks about a post that went viral, and she never seems to know anything about it. She hasn’t been affected by tumblr at all, and seems to post something, answer questions, and then log off to make her next thing. It’s... kind of strange, actually. Everyone knows she’s underage, but has no proof, so they can’t tell her to get off tumblr or anything. And if anyone asks how old she is, she gives a random number (A few favorites are “69,” “420,” “I stopped counting after the first hundred years,” “It’s a bit of a pardox actually, because in total I’m around 80, but I’ll be born in three years so... I’m -3 apparently,” “Old enough to beat you in a drinking contest,” “I’m a god, and have no beginning nor end,” and the best of them all, a video of someone being thrown into the air by a pillar of ice with the caption, “Begone thot.”) Frosta picks and chooses her battles when it comes to answering asks. No hate is ever seen on her blog and no one is sure whether it’s because she never gets it, or because she never answers it. She doesn’t get it.

Entrapta: A lot of cool videos and vlogs and experiments. After about three months of being on tumblr, someone said they had an experiment she might like, and asked if they could send an ask about it and have her try it out. After that, she made it her pinned post to say, “Taking experiment requests! Have something you want me to try out?” She’s always tinkering now, and she loves it! Someone once asked her to explain one of her videos more simply, and she did! But it was too simple, and the person who asked thought she was making fun of them. A helpful follower of Entrapta’s made a better explanation in a reblog and was seen as better, so Entrapta now lets her followers explain how they see is best! She’ll reblog it onto the main account so everyone can see. If they need help, she can always take back the reigns!

Mermista: No one is quite sure what her blog is about. There’s a lot of posts about this really obscure murder mystery book series. The ones made by the blog itself are videos of arson and mild theft. The videos are horrible quality, and no one knows what’s going on until at the very end of this three minute long vid, the camera stills, zooms in, and shows a boat on fire. It’s not on the news. Sometimes you’ll see a reblogged post that seems eerily relevant to the posts before and after. The mood the entire way through is basically just this meme

She once made a uquiz that told you what crime you committed. It is... scarily accurate. The questions had nothing to do with the answer at all. You are horrified. There was once an audio that was basically just running for three minutes with sirens in the background (the post has gone viral and people are beginning to wonder if the sirens are actually mermaid type sirens. It’s becoming more and more likely every time it’s addressed). The audio was a voice reveal. It was one word, and it just made everyone who heard it pause for a moment and sit in complete confusion and mild fear before scrolling further, because they live in the lie that perhaps if they go further, they’ll understand what’s going on. It was just, “Fire,” in the most astonished voice, and then the crackling of a flame. The blog never seems to end. After hours of scrolling, you finally reach the end, and there is and never has been context for a single thing the blog has done. You are slowly filled with dread and anticipation for the next post as you hit the follow button.

#fire tw #siren tw #She ra #shera #she ra reboot #mermista #perfuma #frosta #adora #entrapta #glimmer #bow #catra #double trouble

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renjunsmom · 4 years

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What is love? | l. jeno

Ghost! Jeno x Human! reader

a/n: im back!! well i dont know if i’ll continue writing on this blog but this has been sitting in my drafts for forever so i figured i would just finish it and post it. i’ll be writing on my new hq writing sideblog @happytsukki !! hope you enjoy, its kinda messy oops.

some say “new year, new me” but unfortunately for you it also meant a new house

moving was just as bad as you think

the trouble of unpacking and packing,,,,the worst part was having to adjust to the entirely new environment

so it was pretty lonely

well, until you met the ghost that lived in your new house

i know what you’re thinking

it was horrifying at first

one day you were simply trying to put away extra plates on the top shelf in the kitchen

feeling accomplished you began unpacking something else

you placed the heavy box onto the counter not even realizing you shook the stack of plates directly above you

a plate was imminently gonna fall on you

luckily for you the boy living in your house caught it as it grazed your hair

looking up you see the plate and turn to your savior

SCREAAAAAAAAMMMMMM

you didn’t know if you were most shocked about how attractive the guy’s face was or the fact that this was a stanger in your home

you quickly grabbed the nearest thing to protect you

a spatula

“back off, or i-i’m gonna flip your ass outta here” you threatened

instead of retreating back in fear the odd boy began laughing

he held his stomach as tears began falling from his eyes

“you’re threatening me with a, a spatula???”

you gave him a death stare

“okay okay fine. i’m lee jeno, your roommate i guess you could say.”

hOL UP

“roommate?? who is you???”

jeno put out his hand and gave you a bright smile

“my bad, let me be more specific: i’m a ghost and i can’t leave this house”

this sounded like a load of bs to you,,,so you pushed his hand out of the way and examined him

“a ghost?”

his skin did seem to be unusually fair and under his cute eyes were so heavy bags

“believe it or not, i, lee jeno am a ghost but don’t worry. i know how to pass on peacefully, but i’ll need your help.”

the next few months made you feel like sherlock holmes

you agreed to help jeno pass on by helping him find out what happened to his parents

living in the same house with him was extremely difficult

he was always popping up in random places, giving you the biggest jumpscares

when your parents came home from long business trips it wasn’t easy hiding him

but jeno became your best friend and gave some damn good love advice

you had a crush on na jaemin, the boy next door

he was basically perfect package 📦

sadly you could never muster up the courage to converse with him

but jeno insisted

first he threw a rock from your window to his

then he left your window open which seemed like an open invitation to talk

next thing you knew you were laughing and talking with THE na jaemin

it was a dream come true

for you

while the stars in your eyes shined brighter and your smile grew bigger everyday

jeno stood at the side admiring how beautiful you were

how he wished that he met you in his lifetime

he wondered if ghosts could have feelings, if they even had hearts

because if he did, his beat uncontrollably for you

“what is love?”

he asked you out of the blue one night

you thought long and hard:

“well love comes in many different forms, but love is caring for someone unconditionally sometimes without reason. its their image constantly creeping into your brain and just the sound of their voice giving you heart palpitations. most of all its the ability to accept their flaws and imperfections.”

jeno was mesmerized by your words

but the thought saddened him

“i wish i fell in love before i, you know, died” he confessed

you looked into his sullen eyes, feeling the deep pain he suffered from

oh how you wished you knew what to tell him. what are you supposed to tell a ghost? you wished you could tell him that he would eventually find someone, someone who could give him the world, like he deserved. but fate proved to be cruel and deep down you knew the circumstances were different.

you wrapped your arms around him in a hug, giving off the warmth and love he’d been longing for

“but i happened to fall in love in my afterlife” he whispered

you didn’t hear, already drawing back from the warm embrace by that time.

exhaustion fell over your body and you let out a yawn. “i’m sleepy now jeno. goodnight and sweet dreams.”

He nodded and walked towards the door but before leaving he looked at you, laying there so peacefully. how your mouth hung slightly ajar and the way you snored ever so lightly caused his lips to curl up.

“goodnight, my love.”

the next morning you quickly grabbed breakfast and darted for the door. last week you promised jeno you would look into his death more.

but something stopped you. at your doorstep stood a couple in their late 40s. their faces soaked with tears and eyes swollen red. in the man’s hand was a picture frame.

“oh, i’m sorry, we didn’t realize someone was home right now. we’ll leave immediately.” he spoke between his sobs.

the woman next to him wailed, clutching her heart and holding a baseball. “w-we happened to pass by and we just wanted to reminisce by our old home. you see, our son died a year ago from a hit and run; he loved this home more than anything, except maybe baseball.” she managed to stifle out a dry laugh at the last part.

but your world stopped. suddenly you felt the presence of jeno by your side. his mouth hung agape and his eyes widened at the sight of the couple. “mom? dad?” he managed to whisper amidst his shock.

tears spilled down his eyes, but unlike his parents, his voice had no despair or pain. he simply laughed, “thank you. thank you for visiting me today.” He took a step forward and tried to wrap his arms around his parents, but they immediately fell through and dissipated.

While the scene unraveled you could do nothing but stare at jeno and his parents. you wanted to yell: He’s right here in front of you! He didn’t go anywhere!

but you knew that only you could see him and instead you flung your arms around the strangers. sobbing along with them. “i’m sorry for you loss. I’m sure he was a great person.”

they felt so moved by your sudden sympathy and asked you if they could leave his picture here. you happily accepted, knowing that his spirit would soon be able to pass.

when they left you looked over at jeno, his eyes already boring into you with a grin planted on his face.

“hey, don’t look at me like that, i’m a mess” you whined, covering your face from his view.

“y/n. thank you.” was all he said. he inched forward and engulfed you in a hug, tighter than the other ones since he knew this would be his last.

“you’re so dramatic jeno.” you said into his shoulder. “i didn’t even do anything. i’m a pretty useless detective because they basically just came to me.”

He tucked a strand of hair behind your ear and gently took your fingertips into his, “that may be so, but because of you i got to feel what love was. i thought i would leave this world without ever feeling my heart race or finding someone’s hands fit perfectly into mine.”

“i love you y/n. and though we didn’t meet in this life, i hope we can meet in the next one. i’m depending on it.” he declared, wiping away the single tear that fell from the corner of your eye. He leaned forward, holding his forehead to yours and and took in all the emotions.

He kissed the tip of your nose and you couldn’t help but giggle, “I should be thanking you jeno. you taught me love, and i wish i saw it earlier. you are love. now, you better not break your promise, we have to meet in the next life.”

He pulled back and smiled in endearment, “of course y/n. but don’t be a lonely cat lady, okay? be with jaemin, i can tell he’s a good guy and i want the best for you. goodbye my love.”

Then he disappeared without a trace. the only remembrance you had of him was the picture his parents gave you. written on the back was a surprise little note that read I’ll marry you in the next life, i promise. love, lee jeno.

127 notes · View notes

gaynoctgar · 4 years

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Prompto’s Brotherhood Arc is Fatphobic 2, Electric Boogaloo: Haley’s Back and She is Pissed

This essay is going to be an even deeper dive into the fatphobia that permeates Prompto’s character arc, and is going to handle the issue with more grace and nuance than I did the first time. This is also going to explore the effects the arc had on me as a player, and on other players who share my experiences. It is going to be very organized, long, and methodical (word count: ~5300). It’s a bit of a doozy, but it is something I feel it is very important. I have been wanting to elaborate on my previous Prompto essay for a long time, and for reasons I will detail below, I feel that I am ready to do this now.

Consider this a sequel to my earlier essay, and I will be referencing it throughout.

Stand back everyone; Haley’s about to get mean and personal.

Under the cut for safety and length, please avoid if the subject is triggering to you! Take care of yourselves!

Thank you all so, so much for hearing what I have to say.

TW: fatphobia, eating disorders (both in terms of Prompto and of the author)

Intro

All right everyone, buckle in. Last time I think I was a little bit too nice about this. Last time I think I let a little too much go. But I’m a full three years older now and I’ve seen a few more things. And now I think it’s time that I really just let loose and criticize the fuck out of Square for something they have consistently done wrong, and that is the way they have handled issues with weight in regards to one Prompto Argentum.

Many of you may know that Prompto is one of my favorite characters in anything ever. This very sideblog, in fact, used to be named for him (old url was promptoisbi). It’s because of this that I hate that he’s so consistently shit on by the narrative, but right now we are talking about the out-of-universe insidiousness of the fatphobia that completely permeates this story.

The first essay is right here but the TL;DR version of that is essentially “the way that Prompto’s weight loss in Brotherhood is portrayed as a moral and positive good and in fact necessary for him to be a protagonist is immensely fatphobic. Because the game refuses to problematize this, I am going to, and I’m going to contextualize that with my own experiences to help explain why this is so fucked.” At that time, I was recovering from long-term anorexia, and I think that permeated a lot of what I wrote. I don’t regret this, and I still think the essay is pretty solid. But I’m not a woman who won’t admit her own limitations, and one of mine at the time was that a lot of my fatphobia was internalized. Now that I am healing, now that I have talked to other people with experiences that mirror my own (notably @chubbyargentum), I think I am in a better place to articulate what upsets me.

The rest of the essay will be divided into six parts, themed as follows:

A redux of my central criticism in the first essay, that the narrative treats Prompto’s weight loss as a positive, moral good. In fact, it’s necessary for him to be seen as a protagonist.

Detailing that Prompto’s weight loss was directly motivated by another character, and this other character does not apologize to Prompto at all for his previous behavior. We are in fact supposed to believe that him saying what he said was a good thing.

Evidence that Prompto still legitimately has an eating disorder from his trauma. This goes unexamined by the story, and in fact seems to be actively encouraged by other characters, notably Ignis and Noct. This isn’t to bash the characters, but the way they are written.

Points 1 and 3 combined produce a genuinely triggering experience for players like me; this is where I detail some of my own history with weight and eating problems.

Anticipating pushback, I propose two alternative scenarios that avoid the problems outlined in parts 1-4: one where Prompto doesn’t lose weight, and one where he does but it’s handled a lot more sensitively.

A personal look at what (and who) actually motivated me to do a Part 2 to my essay.

Followed by a TL;DR conclusion if you want to jump right to the heart of things. I know this is a long essay, and I don’t apologize, but I do want to make it accessible to those who might have a harder time reading something so long.

Time to knock down these points, one by one:

Part 1: Equating Weight Loss to Morality

Prompto’s episode in Brotherhood, “Dogged Runner,” serves as our introduction both to Prompto as a character, and pulls double-duty to show us how he becomes involved in the life of a prince. Gladio and Ignis’ episodes did not have to do this double work because they are in Noct’s life by occupation, but Prompto, being a commoner, needs this introduction. Unfortunately, this episode is not twice as long to handle the double workload it gave itself, and the plot clearly suffers for it. For those who don’t remember, Prompto seems to be a child who more or less raises himself--a shy boy who is in the same grade as Noctis. He is quite obviously overweight, and the episode in fact chooses to focus the bulk of its attention on that rather than how he met Noctis (this will be explored in Part 2, below). This is what I take issue with.

Due to....an encounter, we’ll call it, with his royal classmate, Prompto becomes motivated to “improve himself to become someone worthy of a prince,” as described in Episode Prompto. Right off the bat, this description is implying that in order to be worthy of Noctis’ companionship--even independently of Noctis’ own actions, which will be problematized in the next section--he must be different than the way he is.

This...doesn’t make sense. We already saw that Prompto was a kind and generous soul, if rather shy. He took in “Tiny” of his own accord; he fixed her up and fed her and made sure she was healthy, solely out of the goodness of his heart. What else could this literal child need to “improve” about himself to make friends with Noctis? Well...the episode focuses on this in a way I would almost argue is objectifying. We see in excruciating detail how this literal child (I feel the need to mention again that Prompto is 12 years old and doesn’t seem to have consistent parents) approaches the world with a black-and-white mentality….that is, he seems to focus exclusively on eating salads and running an excessive amount (we’ll get to this more in Part 3). Further objectification occurs when we are shown repeatedly that a minor is taking “progress shots” of himself in his underwear.

A bit of a tangent, but the way that last one is drawn...y’all did remember Prompto was 14/15 at that time, right? Extra H points for Square, right there.

So yeah, once all of this happens, Prompto is finally deemed by the narrative to be acceptable enough to enter the life of a prince. Basically, if you’re fat, get a goddamn eating disorder and you can be a protagonist!

And I’m actually gonna take a second right now to address the more common, and generous, interpretation/criticism I am anticipating. I know what SE was trying to do here. They were trying to show us that Prompto’s “self-esteem” was the problem. That he needed to gain more confidence, and losing the weight didn’t actually solve that problem. I know this is the intent because the hotel scene exists. But...answer me this. Why is losing weight treated as an analogue for Prompto’s internal character growth? Why is losing weight an analogue for literally anything? If the issue was Prompto’s insecurity and shyness, there are a dozen other ways to show that. I can think of one right now: maybe have Noctis try to make friends and Prompto runs away because he gets nervous and tongue-tied and that’s the source of their lingering awkwardness. There you go, much better episode.

Part 2: Noctis is a dick

And I say this as a Noct stan. Y’all know I love him. With all my heart, I do. But...I don’t think he starts the game as a good person, in this respect at least. I do think he becomes one. And I think that his growth and maturation over the course of the game is absolutely a treat to watch.

I’m gonna immediately qualify this by saying I do not think Noct is a dick on purpose. Noctis is, in fact, unfailingly kind in most situations and this is one of his greater strengths. I just think he is just as much a victim of internalized fatphobia as Prompto is, despite not having the experience of being fat. I think two things contribute to this: biases that went unchecked by any of his caretakers, and genuine social difficulty brought about by his upbringing.

But now it’s time to get to….the incident. The reason these two know each other. After Prompto takes care of Pryna, she runs to deliver her letter to Noctis and eventually returns to Luna, as was her original mission. Luna, noticing Prompto’s name on a bandana tied around Pryna’s leg, tasks Gentiana to help her find this kind soul so she can thank him. Luna does, and Prompto receives a letter that soon becomes his prized possession. The princess operated on the assumption that Prompto and Noctis were friends, seeing as Prompto encountered Pryna, and asked that he remain “ever at [Noctis’] side.” Prompto takes these words to heart, and resolves to introduce himself to his royal classmate.

Here’s where the problems begin. We know that Prompto is shy because we have seen him before. He kinda kept to himself, away from the other kids, content to take his pictures. To Square’s credit, I was really expecting Prompto to be a target of bullying because of his weight and he wasn’t….yet. This actually makes his interaction with Noctis a lot worse, however. We all know what happens next: Prompto does try to introduce himself to the loner prince (who, by his own admission later, was also kinda shy), and he happens to trip. Noct goes to help him out because he’s kind at heart, and a confused Prompto thinks that Noctis means that he wants to see the camera. Noct is baffled and says something along the lines of “I meant you, dummy!” and goes to help Prompto up.

Honestly, end the scene here. They become friends because Noct is unexpectedly kind to someone he didn’t even know, and that sticks with Prompto, and they’re childhood best friends. Right? RIGHT?

If Square had had a modicum of decency, yes, this would have been how the scene closed. But then Noct had to open his fucking mouth. When trying to help Prompto up, he remarks that the poor boy is “heavy,” something that quickly and immediately impacts Prompto. Noct, also being 12, seems none the wiser and jovially heads off to meet Ignis. But Prompto? Prompto is….affected by this. He decides then and there that he has to not be heavy anymore if he wants to be Noct’s friend.

“But Haley!” I can hear y’all saying, “Isn’t it Prompto’s fault for internalizing a harmless comment in such a way? Why are you so angry at Noct because Prompto took it too seriously?” Or alternatively “Noctis was also a child, he didn’t mean it!!”

Well, it’s all about how the narrative treats the situation. I mentioned this before in Part 1, but the reason I’m mad at both Noctis and Square is because the narrative treats him as though he is in the right at all times. If the issue really was with Prompto as a character, then we wouldn’t have been shown his journey in such excruciating detail. We wouldn’t have been subjected to the downright harmful avenues he goes down in pursuit of this goal (see Part 3 for elaboration). We would have just seen Prompto trying to work on becoming more outgoing--maybe talking to his neighbors more often, for example.

One small scene in particular gets me here: we do see Noct return to the place where they met and he seems to be baffled by the fact that Prompto will not talk to him. We in fact know this to be the case because in the hotel scene, Noct explicitly says Prompto “should have said something sooner” in terms of starting their friendship. Now, this pisses me off for two reasons:

That this wasn’t addressed in Brotherhood itself. We see that Noct kinda wants to approach Prom again but doesn’t seem to know how. If we are assuming he messed up on accident, this would have been a great time for Ignis to tell him so, maybe motivate Noct to apologize.

That Prompto doesn’t immediately call Noct out for this line, or say something along the lines of “Well you kinda straight up insulted me when we first met.”

So, because neither of these scenarios is the case, I have to assume that Square wants us to think that Noct was correct to insult Prompto, and that him losing the weight is a good thing, in a narrative sense.

Finally, it’s straight up out-of-character for Noct to be this way. Not the misspeaking part, that is perfectly in-character. It’s the fact that this bias of his goes unchecked by Ignis or Gladio, and he is never made to apologize for hurting another person’s feelings. Part of growing up is realizing that sometimes your actions can hurt other people, even if you don’t intend for them to. The fact that the intent wasn’t there doesn’t mean the hurt wasn’t real. Since Square is so convinced that Noct needed to “mature” in this story...I am immensely disappointed that the opportunity wasn’t taken here for him to learn. And even more disappointed because I am pretty sure this is intentional. Every single one of Square’s fat characters is used as a side character or comic relief. In order for Prompto to be a protagonist, he had to lose weight, and to have Noctis--the central protagonist--be the character to directly motivate that is a slap in the face.

Part 3: Don’t Recover, Buddy!/ It’s actually good that you have “obesophobia”

So I know I put the trigger warning at the top of this, but I’m doing it again, because now I’m gonna talk about eating disorders. So this is your last chance to back out if that stuff is legitimately triggering, which I understand.

I’m gonna say it right now: Prompto has anorexia

[several people are typing…. .jpg]

I don’t think this is subtle, and I do think this is intentional, so let me break it down. Prompto exhibits a lot of the symptoms, and yes I am speaking from personal experience. He’s exhibited all of these from the moment Noct made that comment when they were kids, and, notably, only from that point on (hence why I wrote Part 2 the way that I did):

Prompto has an obsession with fixing meals. He’ll be the one that helps Ignis the most often. In Prompto’s case, this is a sign that he loves preparing the food, not so much partaking: classic hiding of symptoms. There is also the fact that most of the salads are his favorite meals, which yes, is a deliberate callback, but I don’t think it’s a good one.

Prompto runs a genuinely stupid amount. I think that exercise is well and good--I’m something of an exercise buff myself--but it’s the way that Prompto does it, to the point of exhaustion, that is a problem.

Despite being borderline underweight, Prompto legitimately still seems to think that he is still fat. This is supported by his reactions to multiple dialogues, which I’ll get to in a second, and the “obesophobia” thing on his character profile which….yeah I shouldn’t even have to explain that one. Prompto is legitimately afraid that he will gain weight--specifically, that he will be fat again.

The fact that according to that same profile, Prompto’s photography habit started when he took progress photos of himself!! So he’s also got some legit body dysmorphia going on.

These are the ones that are most obvious to me, anyway.

“Now okay, Haley,” y’all are furiously typing, “so what that Prompto has anorexia? That’s a relatable character flaw!”

Well….one, no it isn’t. A disorder of any kind is not a character flaw. I’d be willing to let that slide if the following were not also true: other characters seem to reinforce these behaviors of Prompto’s, and I am looking directly at Ignis and Noct. Let’s start with Ignis. I’m sure we have all gotten the random dialogue of

Prompto: All right, let’s hit up the Crow’s Nest! Ignis, for no fucking reason: If you wish to put on weight? Certainly. Prompto, defeated: Yeah, I know…

Every time I get this dialogue I want to yell and also want the option to kick Ignis out of the party. Also the fact that no one steps up on Prompto’s behalf (notably, you know, his goddamn best friend!!) is a bit of an Issue too. Another one involves Ignis, but I have only gotten it once, so I can’t remember it exactly, but Ignis says something to the effect that he can make “whatever [Prompto] wants” for dinner and Prompto says “Yeah, it’s the wanting that’s the problem.” That’s...that’s horrifying and y’all should be concerned for your friend.

To turn my attention back to Noct, objectively the most important person to Prompto, we need go no further than “Why is your face so fat?” in selfies.

This one legitimately made me mad. Prompto panics and retaliates with “What?? I’m not fat!!” (notably, he said “I” and not “my face,” which is a bit of a slip), and Noctis is supposed to be his best friend. I was somewhat okay with Noct being passive in the earlier incidents, because maybe he wanted to spare Prompto the group drama that would ensue, but Noct directly engaging in it actively pissed me off. I also want to say this isn’t me bashing on the characters in the slightest, I am simply calling attention to the way they are written. Because they are not called out by anyone else, because this behavior is treated as acceptable, I have to assume the narrative wants me to agree with them.

The only conclusion I can gather from this is that not only are the bros aware of Prompto’s disorder, but they actively encourage it. Which would only further Prompto’s assumption that they only will love and accept him if he looks a certain way. No wonder the poor kid was so freaked out about his barcode!

Part 4: This shit is triggering to players

The subtitle for this section should be “Haley talks about how deeply “Dogged Runner” affected her in a PTSD kind of way” because that’s what I’m going to be doing. Second trigger warning for eating disorders and weight talk, because that’s what this is gonna be. This also is not going to be nice. I have strong language for Square:

Here’s where I come clean about why this issue matters so fucking much to me, and why I am now freely and openly saying “fuck you” to Square every chance I get. When I first saw Brotherhood, I was at a stage in my life where I was not coping well with my body image. I had my first brush with anorexia in high school, but it was coming back because I was in a new place, and I felt like that was the only thing in my life that I could control. So I had been eating less and falling back into the habit, except...this time I had my support system. So I thought. I went into the anime wanting to learn more about the characters I had come to love, and I walked out of it thoroughly triggered and horrified that Square would stoop to such shoddy, lazy, and harmful storytelling.

I had...a moment, here. I won’t detail the breakdown too much but I was genuinely not okay. To see behaviors that I had ferociously clawed my way out of, and was violently resisting once more, portrayed not only as not unhealthy, but as desirable for people like me...it genuinely felt personal. And, I imagine I wasn’t the only player who felt that way. In fact, because I have talked to other people like me, I know this is the case.

Let me take you on a trip, for a moment. Humor me. Imagine you’re in your early 20s, and you’ve put a lot of ugly, horrible coping methods behind you. Imagine your best friend in the entire world, @nonbinary-recipehs, recommends this game they are playing, and you play it together and start to consume its media. Imagine the horror and dread that settles on the both of you watching this episode, which rings so similarly to the times you passed out from lack of food, from over-exercising, from over-straining yourself to be this idealized version of thinness. Imagine seeing that the outcome of this episode isn’t Prompto getting the support he needs from his friends, but that the narrative legitimizes his suffering. In fact, this brutal suffering and rapid loss of weight was necessary to justify this character’s relevance to the narrative! Imagine how that must make you feel. Maybe those coping methods that were so horrible actually weren’t. It worked for Prompto, maybe it’ll work for you!!

Perhaps that little thought experiment will help you understand what this whole situation can feel like to players like me, to people who have struggled with internalized fatphobia and with eating disorders, who have been called heavy, who have been made to feel as though their worth is in their thinness. Fuck you, Square. Fuck you for not having an ounce of consideration for how this might possibly look. Fuck you for not considering people like me as complete people. Fuck you for making me watch a character I love suffer, not to tragedy, but to an illness that could have been avoided if anyone had shown him even an ounce of respect or care or decency or decorum--

…

I did warn y’all I was angry, this time.

Part 5: Two Alternative Scenarios that would Avoid All This

“So Haley,” you’re saying, somehow having read past the rant in the previous section, “if Square did it so horribly, how would you have done it?”

That, my dear reader, is an excellent question. In fact, I’ve got two solutions, which I will explain and elaborate upon below:

The first is rather simple: Prompto doesn’t actually lose the weight and becomes a canonical fat character. Absolutely nothing else would change about the story or Prompto’s character except for the following:

Noctis would become curious as to why this new friend of his was avoiding him. He then has the opportunity to open up to Ignis or Gladio and reflect on what he said, and realize that he actually hurt Prompto’s feelings. This motivates him to apologize, and the two become Actual Childhood Friends.

Prompto just Has This Body Type Now and nobody says dick about it, that’s just the Way He Looks

You could explore internalized fatphobia I suppose but I don’t actually trust Square to do this sensitively. You know who I do trust? Liam ( @chubbyargentum ), who writes the Nighttime Sunshine AU and fic.

All of the previously mentioned fatphobic comments are completely removed because all the bros love and support him.

Prompto isn’t the comic relief because of his size, he just happens to be both. Yes, there is a difference, and no, I am not going to derail the essay by explaining that.

Prompto would still absolutely kick ass, take names, shoot people, love chocobos...all the shit he does in canon. But now, you have a character who didn’t have to be completely humiliated to get to this point. Now you just...have a guy who happens to be friends with the prince, because he is kind and caring.

But okay, let’s take another approach. Let’s say Prompto does still lose weight. How, then, do we accomplish this without being fatphobic or debasing Prompto’s character like canon did?

That leads me to solution 2: Prompto does lose weight, but it’s incidental. Let me explain what I mean here:

Let’s have a situation in which the apology does still happen as I outlined in the first solution. Childhood friends is a thing.

As such, Prompto becomes...increasingly curious at all the cool training Noct does.

Noct is….embarrassed about this, I think. Because Prompto doesn’t like Understand What It All Means...and they’re still pretty young. Noct doesn’t want him to understand.

But Prompto? He wants to be able to Do Cool Shit, especially if it means defending his best bro who also happens to be the prince. And he doesn’t want Noct to do any of this alone. He asks to train with Noct, no special treatment (except for like the fact that he legit can’t do magic).

Gladio...allows this, begrudgingly. Then, permanently, when he notices Noct tries harder as a result of showing off.

Prompto starts to learn how to take care of himself from Gladio, and from Ignis, who has...gathered that Prompto doesn’t exactly have parents, and becomes invested in helping him learn how to cook healthy meals for himself. Who knows? Maybe the healthy eating will rub off on Noct!

The result is that, over time, Prompto does lose some weight...and starts to bulk up as Puberty Happens. However. This is all incidental. Prompto never set out to lose weight because he hated himself or felt unworthy, like in canon. He set out to become strong and train with his best bro. This is absolutely critical.

With this solution, Prompto does lose weight, but doesn’t become the borderline underweight young man with an eating disorder we all know and love. Instead, he’s been brought up around healthier traditions, which makes him immensely more suited for the role of Crownsguard when that time comes. In fact, he might have entered it at age 18 just like Gladio and Ignis did, despite Noct’s protests. Another thing I like about this solution is that it shows how Prompto is friends with Ignis and Gladio; how those relationships developed independently of Noctis, and why these four really are the family unit the game wants me to think they are.

And with these two solutions, I believe I have laid out some much stronger backstories for our beloved boy that avoid all of the...unfortunate implications of his canon backstory. I only wish that Square had thought about their implications just a little bit more, and done Prompto some true justice.

Part 6: What motivated this essay, and the power of shared experience

This isn’t really a proper conclusion, that’ll be in TL;DR, but I would be remiss to not include what actually motivated me to write this massive essay, and also share it with all of you. The sharing part, I think, is super critical. When you inhabit marginalized identities, and in this case I specifically mean having a fat body, it can be...difficult to share and discuss your experiences. Harder, still, to be public about them, and to criticize media that perpetuates these harmful ideas. But here I am, doing that. Here’s why that is.

About a month ago, I met @chubbyargentum, who is called Liam. I was cruising through the promptis tag, as you do, and found his Nighttime Sunshine AU, and his blog is filled with excellent art for it as well. The premise of this AU, on its face, is very simple: it’s a story where Prompto and Noctis did not actually become friends in high school, and two very important things are different: Prompto is still fat, and Noctis is a closeted trans man. While I can’t speak to the trans experience, I can indeed speak to the experience of inhabiting a fat body. And this AU….spoke to me. I don’t want to spoil too much but there is a rather emotional scene that just...confronts everything I wanted Square to confront about this that they never did. He approaches the topic with so much sensitivity and nuance, something that is so rarely seen in fandom.

I’ve talked with Liam every day since, and my brain has consistently been enlarged. A lot of things I let slide before...felt so egregious to me that I had to say them. I’ve been confronting my own internalized prejudices towards certain kinds of bodies all the time, and I am learning every day. He’s become a very dear friend of mine, and I care deeply about him.

This also came at I guess you could say the “first climax” of my journey with weight loss, which I had never had success with despite the trauma I described in Part 4. I’ve lost...a significant amount of weight since March, and I think the reason I’ve had so much success is 1) the support of my friends (notably @nonbinary-recipehs, @pocket-prompto, and @chubbyargentum), and 2) not feeling like I hated myself anymore. I approached it as a journey to become more strong, not less fat. As I outlined in Part 4...Prompto’s Brotherhood episode and character backstory were and are legitimately triggering to me, and, I imagine, to many others. Liam had the confidence to put the content in the world that he wished to see, and this essay is helping me do the same.

Having other people who share your marginalized experiences and validate them...well, I’m sure many of you know. It’s a feeling like no other. And I’ve never really had this feeling explicitly about the experience of being fat until now. Now, I understand that my anger is in fact, righteous. And I am not afraid to say so. The power of shared experience motivated this essay and, in fact, everything that I do on this blog. I have come away from this AU with the bravery to say aloud what I have always known to be true.

So thank you, Liam. Thank you, big brain group. And thank you, readers, for listening to an experience that may or may not mirror your own, and for opening up your heart enough to hear the roughly 5000 words before this point. Thank you for making the effort to understand, and the effort to learn and grow.

TL;DR

I did promise to provide an easily digestible version of the…(checks word count) ~5000 words before this point, so here we go. The central thesis of this essay is something like “the way Prompto’s weight loss arc was portrayed in Brotherhood is horrendously fatphobic for a number of reasons.” I then broke it down into six major pieces: the first four being the fact that weight loss is treated as moral by the narrative, the uncharacteristically dickish actions of Noctis, the fact that Prompto’s disorder is encouraged by other characters, and the out-of-universe triggering effects the story has. In the fifth piece, I outlined two alternative scenarios: one where Prompto doesn’t lose weight at all and remains fat, and one where he does lose weight but healthily so and fleshes out his character. In the final piece, I explained the motivation behind writing this essay, namely interacting with other fat fans like @chubbyargentum. I explained all of these points in great detail, being careful to stress that my issue with this isn’t any of the individual characters, but the bias that motivates the writing.

So...what now? Well, I’m not really sure. But this was something I really had to put into the world. I think it is important and necessary to speak up and criticize media that harms you. And you know what? Final Fantasy XV is still my favorite game. It is because I love it so much that I was motivated to write this, and by sharing it, I hope to contribute to a greater discussion about fatphobia in gaming, and in life.

#final fantasy xv #ffxv #tw fatphobia #tw eating disorders #prompto argentum #please be respectful with this one #i feel like this is an unpopular opinion #but it is incredibly necessary that i say this #because it is something i believe #and because I don't want square to continue to get away with it #thank you for read #haley.exe #haley writes ffxv #haley has opinions #i'm preparing for so much hate

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nikibogwater · 3 years

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Hi, I'm that same anon who asked for advice on platonic relationships. If it's not too much trouble could you also give some advice on how to write male povs 'cause I'm currently struggling with that, as riddiculous as it sounds lol

Oh, hello my sweet Non! I hope your writing has been going well. And no, that's not ridiculous at all, actually. Whether a person is male or female can have an impact on what they might experience and feel, so it's pretty natural to feel a little less confident when writing for one or the other (I wouldn't expect a dude to feel completely 100% confident in describing how period cramps feel, for example lol).

That being said, for me, writing for males isn't actually that different from writing for females, technically speaking. While there are some pretty distinct biological differences between the two, in my experience, there aren't really any hard and fast rules for how a male character would think/react to things as opposed to a female. A character's point of view is always built on three things: personality, beliefs, and experiences--in other words, the same things that have helped shape your point of view. That's true regardless of a character's gender. So with that in mind, I really only have a couple of points to share.

Rule number one is Don't Be Scared. I know that sounds kinda stupid, but it really is important that you relax, and don't spend a bunch of time second-guessing or overthinking things. As long as you know your male character's personality and write him accordingly, I don't think you'll have to worry too much about "getting it wrong." It might help to have a bulletpoint list of his character traits handy until you get comfortable writing for him. That way if you find yourself feeling unsure about how he might react to a certain situation, you can easily refresh yourself on the major forces driving his personality/goals. If you're writing fanfiction, you can often find these ready-made for you on a character's wiki page, but if you need to make one yourself, here's how I usually structure mine (using my OC Lin from the @thecasperanfamily sideblog as an example):

Name: Merlin "Lin" Samuel Casperan Abilities: Magic, hand-to-hand, parkour Likes: Bright colors, loud music, being the center of attention, skateboarding, and drawing Dislikes: Jabs about his height, being underestimated, sitting still, academia, and elitism Personality: Rambunctious, sarcastic, kind-hearted, loyal, and a bit arrogant Additional Notes: What he lacks in common sense, he makes up for in courage. A bit of a silver tongue, good at weaseling out of certain situations, but willing to own up to his mistakes and make reparation if he's hurt someone. Good at singing, but doesn't want anyone to hear it.

While certain character traits might be considered either more masculine or feminine, there's no hard rule for what a male character can or cannot be, in terms of personality. You can have a guy who is gentle and nurturing (traits often thought of as traditionally feminine) just the same as you can have a girl who's macho and aggressive (traits that are often thought of as traditionally masculine). Unless you are writing for a character who is meant to be hyper-masculine, I don't think you have to worry too much about all that. Most people in real life end up having traits from both pools anyways.

If all else fails, talk to a dude. Spending time around guys will inevitably help you feel more comfortable and confident in writing for them. If you don't have anyone you feel comfortable talking to, you can spend some time analyzing your favorite male characters from media, paying close attention to how they react to what's going on around them. Again, the three things to watch for are Personality, Beliefs, and Experiences. As long as you have a good grasp on those three, you're going to do just fine.

Thanks so much for the ask, Non! I wish you all the best in your writing endeavors. You're gonna be great!✨

#niki answers #writing

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honeydots · 4 years

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200. “He loves you, you know? He’s just afraid of admitting it.” ~~ This has some Vibes and I kinda like them so? I'd like 2 humbly request your take on this w/ shukita or akeshu if it's ok to ask for!! -- dorky-arsene (a sideblog)

“He loves you, you know? He’s just afraid of admitting it”

Hello no I didn’t forget about these I am just slower than a little baby turtle!!!!! Anyway

Summary: Goro’s new job leads him to discover that dealing with both a crush and an idiot while flipping burgers is, unarguably, the worst turn his life could’ve taken.

cw: sexual themes (+p5r spoilers)

(ao3 link)

“Hello! Would you like to try our Big Bang Special Combo Shot-Straight-Through Promotional Meal for ‘Thy Father of Corruption 2: The Daughter of Rejection’ for ¥850?”

Goro wanted to quit.

You need this job. You need this job. He’d repeat to himself each time a customer decided they were feeling peckish. You will have no money if you quit and then you will have no home and then you will drop out of college and then you will die.

He’d left the police department after graduating. With his past plans of an 18-year life expectancy having slipped down the drain, he hardly had a reason to stay. High school had been an uphill battle with cases of murder and robbery breathing down his neck, and he’d hesitated to even make an attempt at trying to juggle his priorities in university. Dropping the detective gig meant dropping the media attention, too, which gave him breathing room he certainly knew he needed, but never really had.

The problem was, after three years of fading out of fame and living off his savings, he realized this wouldn’t stretch as far as he’d predicted. He hadn’t accounted nearly enough for the expenses that came with the unwelcome enforcement of trying to live as a proper human being. His bank account was growing meager. If he wanted to keep living (which was arguable) in the way that he was (which he did) he’d need an income. Almost anything would do, as long as it would bend and break to his schedule.

And, all things considered, he technically had connections here. And ever since… that, the pay had actually increased to a respectable amount. The management had rehired, retrained, and improved. It was fast food, but it was livable. Nothing shameful about being livable.

And god fucking dammit he had already done three interviews with no hires and he needed food other than half-cooked ramen noodles and bread slices.

“Can I get you anything else, sir?”

That didn’t mean he didn’t loathe every minute.

It was bad enough that he had a job at Big Bang Burger. And, bad enough that he’d been desperate to get it. It was bad enough that he had to bring in his homework like some anguished used-to-be honors student now getting barely passing marks. And christ, it was bad enough each time a customer would walk in, a hamburger-shaped icepick would slam itself into his frontal lobe, forever ingraining the memory of his premeditated brain murder of the former CEO of this very restaurant.

All of that, and he couldn’t stress this more, was bad enough. It was entirely shitty all around. Completely awful, and damming, and humbling, though he hated to admit it. He’d like to say it couldn’t get any worse. That this was the end of the line, get off the train before it turns around, don’t get stuck in the never ending cycle of beef patties and sesame seed buns.

But, god, of all the coworkers.

“Ya know,” said Sakamoto, leaning down on the front counter after their customer had left, “I dunno if clenching your teeth like you’ve got peanut butter stuck in there counts as ‘service with a smile.’”

Sakamoto Ryuji. The boy who had the opposite of a filter, and more like a megaphone spewing recordings of every profanity in the Japanese language. He, who had walked in on Goro’s second day and loudly declared, ‘I thought I smelled something, what’s this a-hole doing here?’ Really, who else could he tolerate spending eight-hour shifts with; greasy stoves, piss poor customers, and the ruthless scent of lysol on tile included?

Ah, right. Anyone else.

Goro pressed his lips together. “Hm. Well you know, I was almost certain that elbows on the counter was a fireable offense.”

Sakamoto snatched himself up in a second, elbows up high. He hung there and looked around the empty restaurant.

He pouted. “Not cool, dude. That’s only when there’s customers.”

Goro raised his eyebrows. He was really just going to stand there? He looked like an idiot, or a chicken. A hybrid that, if anyone could pull off, would be him. He was making a great show of it, too.

Sakamoto narrowed his eyes. “Unless you’re a snitch.”

Goro spoke in his most syrupy sweet voice. “Are you implying then, that your job is in my hands? An entertaining thought, Sakamoto.” If it were only that simple to really get him fired. Unfortunately, their manager seemed to love his enthusiasm. Every moment he spent enthusiastically mopping floors and singing into the handle was a moment Goro could’ve been writing soliloquies of his growing and newfound hatred for Carly Rae Jepsen.

Sakamoto folded his arms in a huff. “That’s what I’m talkin’ about, man! Look at that fake-ass smile.” He shook his head. “And I get customer service blows and stuff, but you use it for everything. Lighten up dude! Take a break.”

Sakamoto said things with such confidence, such surety. It made his teeth grind.

“I’d prefer to keep my job,” Goro said, and gave him the sweet smile Sakamoto was arguing against. “Though, if you’d like to pay my rent for me, you’re more than welcome.”

He acted like he hadn’t even heard him.“Maybe it’s ‘cause you’re so gloomy all the time, your face just doesn’t know how to work it. Look it, check me out.” Sakamoto pointed his thumb at himself and flashed a toothy smile. “Just like that! All natural, bro. It’s easy. Come on, you really try it this time.”

Goro very clearly did not. He stared with his most obsolete and ‘stop-trying-to-have-a-conversation-with-me’ look he could muster. He’d communicate it telepathically, if given the chance.

“That doesn’t look like trying to me,” Sakamoto said expectantly.

Couldn’t they just sit in silence and wait for their fabrication of getting-along time when the next inevitable customer came in? “Perhaps, and please let me know if this is too complicated, I simply have no intention of trying, because I don’t believe there’s anything to fix.”

“Nah, that’s not it,” replied Sakamoto, as if he was being thoughtful.

Another reason why he was completely obnoxious was because the longer they knew each other, the less that Goro’s flawless stone faced looks worked. Sakamoto kept spewing hot air. He’d gained some kind of tolerance, and it was tedious to work around.

Sakamoto leaned back down, previous elbow warnings forgotten. “I bet you’re the kinda guy who’s super ticklish, so you act all boring so no one suspects it.”

“I’m not,” Goro snapped.

“Quick reply there, buddy.”

Goro didn’t answer to that. He didn’t owe it to him. This was pointless; why did Sakamoto find such pleasure in talking about pointless things?

He slouched further down. “So it’s silent treatment now. You’re checking all the boxes over here.” He waved his finger through the air. “Check, n’ check, n’, check.”

Goro was getting a headache. “I don’t want to talk about this.”

“Betcha you’re super ticklish. And like, one of those cry-laughers.”

“Sakamoto, did you hear what I just said.”

He stretched up from his position on the counter. “Like if I poke you in the side, I bet it would make ya jump.”

“Do not.” He could just try it. Goro would bend his finger back so far it’d break. He wondered if that would be a viable option to get him to stop talking sometime.

“Didn’t say I was gonna.” He rested his arms behind his neck. “You’re just proving my point more, though.”

Sakamoto was annoyingly stubborn at times. Once he found a niche with Goro, he’d hack his way in and grab on like a tick. Bother him like it was his last chance he’d ever get, as if they didn’t work shifts together four times a week. He was bound to get lyme disease at this rate.

Goro felt like a very frustrated pair of tweezers.“Can we talk about anything else, please?”

Sakamoto went quiet. He was just looking at him now. Goro tensed up. Was he really going to try and poke him? He meant it, he’d break his hand.

“Ya know, there is something I wanna talk to you about,” he said.

Goro did not like the sound of that. “Oh really.” He tried to sound like he was just told he was about to be given a lecture on the intricacies and details of lentil soup. Which, perhaps could be more interesting than whatever topic Sakamoto was about to pull out of his ass.

Sakamoto sniffed. “Yup. It’s about Akira.”

Oh, he really didn’t like where this was going. “Sakamoto, I—”

“When’re ya gonna like, confess.”

Goro visibly winced. Dammit. He knew he’d bring this up one day. He was absolutely infuriated Sakamoto knew about that, and he hadn’t even told him. He’d been making guesses and Goro had been just tired enough during his shift to let a hint of a sigh out, and Sakamoto had taken that to new heights. Another example of conversations being had that Goro would’ve just about died to get out of.

Sakamoto was still staring at him. Didn’t he have anything better to do? Goro knew they didn’t at this good for nothing job, but what was so hard about just acting like you’re busy. You’re pretending then, at least, and that’s something.

“Well, dude?” asked Sakamoto.

Any conversation is better than that one.

Mother of fuck.

“I…” Goro started, adjusting a piece of his hair, “I suppose I am a little ticklish.”

Sakamoto’s face lit up. “Dude, for real? Called it,” he said triumphantly. Had Goro not known him as well as he did, he’d think the divergence in conversation was a trick to get him to admit he was a bit… touchy. But he did know him, and he wasn’t one for games like that.

“Most people are, it shouldn’t be a surprise. It’s skin sensitivity, nothing more.”

Sakamoto shrugged. “Still funny you admitted to it.”

Sure. Very hilarious. Yet another fact Sakamoto now knows about him that he’d really have rather not shared under any circumstance.

“Satisfied, now?” Goro asked, but it wasn’t really a question. He didn’t plan on expanding, this was embarrassing enough as it was.

“Nope,” he replied, “cause that’s great and all, but I really gotta know the game plan.” He leaned in close to Goro, and he in turn leaned farther away.

“There’s no ‘game plan,’ Sakamoto. Please don’t get so close to me.”

“Yeah, yeah, sorry.” He moved back, obviously not finished. “Come on, though, you gotta have something.” And back down on the counter he slouched.

‘Something,’ he’d said. Yes, and that something was to keep his mouth shut and go about his life keeping each and every one of those mortifying feelings to himself. It was humiliating enough that Sakamoto knew. Telling Akira? He didn’t even want to imagine it. He’d rather face Okumura-san herself and ask her to buy one of their Shot-Straight-Through combo meals.

“There’s nothing. And I don’t plan there to be anything. And, it’s not really much of your business, is it?” Goro could feel himself growing irritated.

Sakamoto melted further into the counter. “I just don’t get why you’re not gonna ask him out if you like him. You might as well, man, it’ll be fine.”

What simple ways of thinking. Do this, get that in return. Black and white, and right and wrong. Spill your fleeting moment of vulnerability and try not to think about the extensive hole of commitment you’re burying yourself in. One turn of phrase, one word, one misplaced breath to Akira would forever rupture the sorry excuse of acquaintanceship they’d been flip flopping through for the past three years. Akira was a blank slate and simultaneously the person he knew best. He knew him, but didn’t really, and he could never tell what he was thinking. Suddenly he was gambling again, and this time it came entirely unwelcome. Risks you face before death and risks that you’ll keep living through no matter the outcome tasted different. One was tangy and sweet and thrilling, the other was bitter shit. Not to mention that Akira was too kind to him for his own good. He couldn’t even tell what was a lie.

But, Sakamoto didn’t need to know all that. “You say that like there’s nothing to consider. As if I’ve never even given this thought. You do not belong in my head, Sakamoto. And I do not need to give you, an obvious outsider on the entire dilemma, any sort of justification for why I’m going to continue to abstain on something as trivial as a confession.”

Sakamoto huffed at him. “What if I said that I gua-ran-tee he’s not gonna say no to you.”

Goro was already sick of this. What, had Sakamoto expected his heart to skip? His pulse to rise? That just the very thought of mutual feelings would send him into some flustered mess? Please. He told the tingling feeling going up through his legs and down his arms and up the back of his neck to shut the fuck up.

He couldn’t stay quiet for long. Sakamoto could and would get ideas. “Then why doesn’t he just tell me that himself? Why are you playing wingman for him?”

“Cause he’s not gonna say anything cause he’s got to be worried that he’s gonna freak you and your crazy attachment issues out!”

Of course, there it was. The blind bet. Sakamoto’s one-way thinking at it again, and Goro would not have it. “I’m not going to start playing some game with him about the complexities of whatever idea of consent he has in his head. I don’t need his sympathy, and I am certainly not looking for it. I don’t have time for something messy and half-assed. I don’t want that, and surely he doesn’t, either. If he feels any way about me, he’d ought to tell me, because then maybe we’d find some kind of leeway. But I will not let him sit there and wait for me to make the first move, like a key element in his plan. This is not some teenage romance, and I am not a caricature of his love life. He can wait patiently all he’d like, but I’m perfectly content as I am now.”

Sakamoto seemed a little stunned.

“Man, he’s just…” He trailed off. They sat in silence.

So ways still existed to get Sakamoto to stop rambling on. He was sure he’d regret saying this later, for a multitude of reasons. He didn’t hate Sakamoto, even saying dislike felt strong, but he always talked about things that Goro had no interest nor inclination to discuss. Maybe silence was for the best between them, for now.

“He loves you, you know? He’s just afraid of admitting it. That’s all it is, dude,” said Sakamoto.

Goro inhaled. So he wasn’t done, then. “Love… is an entirely different conversation.”

“Okay, fine, you want me to say he ‘like-likes’ you like some fifth grader? Cause he does.”

Goro didn’t reply. He’d made his point.

“He isn’t playing one of your weirdo mind games,” Sakamoto continued. “I think you’re thinking too hard about this. He’s just a guy. He just wants to make sure you’re all comfortable and shit. Cause it’s not like we don’t all know the bullshit that was goin’ on for you.”

“I am not looking for his pity.” A fine thing to say while working at a Big Bang Burger in a bright yellow shirt and starred apron. It didn’t matter. He didn’t wear this with pride, per say, but he wouldn’t ask someone to feel sorry for him.

He didn’t exactly want to be seen, either. Especially not Akira, but of course he’d make habits of visiting. That was just like him, and it was just like his pity, too.

Sakamoto looked frustrated. “He ain’t pitying you, man! He’s tryin’ to respect you! He knows you got things to go through on your own and he’s trying to give you space and everything.”

Goro clicked his tongue. “If you know that’s his tactic, why are you trying to pressure me into this?”

“Cause I don’t care, dude!” Sakamoto said, and then stopped himself, and promptly looked very guilty. “Well, okay. I do care. Like, I do. But sometimes…” He looked like he was trying to pick his words out carefully. He had an idea, just no way to form it.

He settled. “Sometimes, you just gotta get laid, man.”

At this point, Goro found himself shocked that he wasn’t banging his own head against the counter.

“Excuse me?”

“You’re twenty one years old! Dude, I know you haven’t gotten any,” Sakamoto argued. “Your gay ass with emotional problems? Get outta here.”

“This is not—”

Sakamoto put his hands up nonshalontly. “And like, yeah, no judgey stuff, take your time if you gotta. But have you considered it? Tell me. I betcha you haven’t.”

Goro opened his mouth, expecting to reply with an incredibly well thought out ‘fuck off,’ but the automatic doors slid open, and suddenly Goro was all smiles and greetings, so what came out instead was, “Hello! Welcome to Big Bang Burger! Would you—ah.”

Sakamoto snorted loudly, and Goro wanted to kick him so bad.

And actually, what was stopping him? Sakamoto had earned this, and it’s not like this customer would care.

Because, who else could’ve been just about summoned by the trouble than Kurusu Akira himself; strolling in so casually through the doors, like he hadn’t just become the most unpleasant topic of conversation Goro had ever had with Sakamoto. Speak of the devil was an understatement, or perhaps he was the devil himself.

“What the eff, man!”

“Hey you two,” said Akira, hands in his pockets and clearly bagless. He didn’t even register Goro’s kick, like that was just some normal occurrence. Somehow, that made him angrier.

“Yo,” said Sakamoto, recovering annoyingly quickly. Goro wondered if he should’ve considered breaking his finger.

Sakamoto reached out to Akira for a fist bump. “You don’t have the cat with ya?”

Akira bumped him back. “Nope. Just me today.”

“Sweet,” Sakamoto replied, a smile growing wide. Goro hated the look. It was the hungriest and most dastardly shit-eating grin he’d ever seen him dare to make. So, knowing Sakamoto and his terrible poker face, he had thought up some idiotic ploy.

“What’s up with you?” Akira asked, and thank god it wasn’t directed at Goro. Sakamoto’s obviousness did not go unnoticed.

“Oh nothin’, nothin’,” said Sakamoto, entirely conspicuously, “I gotta go, though, grind never stops. Super secret stuff in the back.”

Goro glared at him. So now he would pretend to be busy?

“Burger secrets,” Akira said, and Ryuji gave him a finger gun in reply. He walked off without a word, but apparently felt the inclination to jerk his head back at Goro, as if he didn’t know what he was doing.

He sighed. No amount of alone time would ever compel Goro to confess at a Big Bang Burger, of all places. At least Akira tended to be a little more bearable in conversation. He hoped he’d be an in and out customer. “Can I get you anything?”

Akira looked at him for a moment. “You look flustered.”

Goro felt himself twitch. He wasn’t flustered, like some preteen who can’t hear the word genital without bursting into laughter. If anything, Sakamoto had caught him off guard with his stupidity. He obviously was not one to be so affected by such a topic. He was an adult, and a professional. He would again not think about the fact he was wearing an orange visor right now.

“I’m positive that isn’t a menu item,” he replied, keeping his pleasant smile plastered on, keeping any stray annoyance from showing.

Akira examined him closer. “Do you have a fever or something? You look red.”

Goro drummed his fingers against the counter impatiently. What was he supposed to say? Sorry, Akira, Sakamoto just decided to kindly push the image of you railing me as a form of twisted therapy into the forefront of my consciousness. Would you like any drinks?

“I’m fine. I’m not the type to go to work sick,” he decided on instead.

“Really?” He didn’t seem convinced.

Goro folded his arms. “While living in a society where health is determined by the trust of the majority, I have no plans to spread my germs to an unsuspecting businessman, in that I expect the same from him.”

Akira considered that for a moment. “So you’re embarrassed, then.”

Goro’s expression turned sour. He was not in the mood for a debate. “Everyone seems to be presuming things today, have I missed a memo?”

Akira didn’t miss a beat. “Ryuji said something?”

Goro dragged his fingernails into his palm. He was hardly being that obvious, he wasn’t a bumbling idiot who couldn’t keep a straight face. Akira was just acutely good at reading people, (namely, reading him) and it drove Goro up the wall. It was unfair, for one thing, since Akira continued to maintain blank expressions in the face of clowns and hookers, keeping his inner thoughts kept behind lock and key. And, as of more recently, he was the one person Goro really desperately wanted to hide every wandering emotion from possible. Just his luck, fall for the bastard who analyzes people as a side job for his savior-complex living.

This was making him more frustrated. “Would you just order?”

Akira looked at the menu, but Goro knew it was bullshit. He ordered the same thing every time— a shake and a burger, no tomatoes. He certainly already knew what he wanted, but was just causing trouble in the meantime. What an annoyance. Goro punched it in, and made no moves to go and cook. If Sakamoto was going to have his “business” in the back, then he could stay there and do his job.

“Sit over there, we’ll bring it to you when it’s done,” he said, and Akira silently obliged. He gave a small smile before he turned, leaving Goro completely alone with his thoughts as he sat at his table and scrolled through his phone.

He couldn’t believe the timing of Sakamoto’s distasteful comment to Akira’s unseasonable entrance. Things always seemed to fall into place with Goro, just not the right places. The right place, but a little down, and to the left, the left, he said. He wished Sakamoto would mind his own business, let him quietly pine until his untimely death; which kept getting put off, might he add.

Sakamoto emerged from the back end of the restaurant. He was holding the bag of presumably Akira’s food, and his shake. He waved them enthusiastically.

“Go on, dude,” he smirked.

Goro was blunt. “No.” He’d pissed him off enough today. He wasn’t going to walk over there and serve the food. Sakamoto’s little idea of love, romance and marriage in a burger joint would have to wait. Ideally, it would get itself stuck in wet concrete, and drown way down under where no one could see it and where the light of day would never reach.

Sakamoto seemed to catch his drift. “Jeez, fine. Huffy, huffy.”

He walked over to Akira with a spring in his step, and they started chatting idly. Goro couldn’t hear. In all honesty, he was trying to tune them out. His headache was growing worse. Pounding in his head, every light too bright and repetitive music blurring together his thoughts. And of course there was the elephant in the room, who was whispering to him Sakamoto’s crude suggestions, and the irritating notion that maybe he was right, just a little bit.

He needed to get himself together. He was acting like some horny teenager. Get fucked, you raunchy elephant.

Sakamoto left to let him eat, and made a show of going back to the other end of the restaurant, all while wiggling his eyebrows at Goro. In turn, Goro made a show of rolling his eyes and planting himself facing away from Akira. It made Sakamoto laugh, for whatever reason, and Goro just ignored him.

He watched the door idly and tried to relax. He’d been clenching his teeth, and his jaw ached. He tried to focus to get his headache to fade into obscurity. He couldn’t find much to concentrate on, was his issue. Other than the obvious, which he would ignore without remorse. He wanted to go home. No lights too bright there, no sloppily cleaned windows, and especially no crush (the word left a bad taste in his mouth. Boy who has left him emotionally compromised after giving him no reason to deny he had worth in the world and keeps him up at night thinking about the way he really tried to will him back into existence when he could, god, have anything else in the world, and he wanted him. Was that a better option?) sitting out of view, chewing quietly and doing absolutely nothing to draw so much attention to himself. At home he could drown it all out in a cold bath, and let himself think of nothing but his numbing toes and pruning fingers.

“Hey, catch,” Akira said, suddenly there and startling Goro out of his bathlike daydream. He tossed something onto the counter. Goro did not catch it.

It was a napkin, all folded up in a careful way. It didn’t hold the shape well, but the intention was pretty clear. “Um. A crane?”

“Yup. Present for you.” he started, rubbing his neck, and he had the nerve to look bashful. “I got bored.”

Goro hadn’t noticed him making it. Which, alright, did make sense, he was purposefully keeping his neck away from that entire half of the restaurant. “Sorry we aren’t quite the height of entertainment here.” Goro lightly touched its head. He didn’t know Akira knew how to make these. “Well, thank you, I guess.”

Akira pushed his glasses further up his nose. “You’re welcome to name him.”

“I think that I won’t.”

“That can be pretty trendy, too,” he replied. “I’ve gotta go. Class. Tell Ryuji I say bye.”

“Bye, dude!” Sakamoto shouted from the back. There was that tiresome enthusiasm again.

It made Akira smile.“Nevermind, then. See you.”

Goro just barely lifted his hand by the wrist to wave. “Bye.”

Akira turned, gave him a small trill of his fingers, and left. Sakamoto did not return to his exit, and Goro savored the moment. It was just him and the crane, now.

It was pretty shoddy. Unfolding, and barely standing up on its own. Cheap paper napkins were not the ideal material for origami, it seemed. He watched it slowly fall apart, wings losing shape and the head relaxing into its neck. Akira had hardly stayed long, so that meant he was probably pretty good at this sort of thing. He wouldn’t have guessed.

…He thought about how it might look on proper paper. The creases sharp and crisp, the ends pointed and still. What would Akira’s hands look like while they worked? He could hear the sounds of the folding, and the wedging, clean paper being bent and rippled. Delicate fingers, working through, meticulously checking every last inch. Sometimes a pinch, just where it’s needed. And then finished, folded tight, wrapped together in itself. Very quick work, with the touch of a hand.

“The heck is that?” Sakamoto said, getting an actual jump out of Goro.

“What?” he gasped, and took a second to collect his thoughts. At work. Sakamoto came back. In a Big Bang Burger. Headache present. Good fucking god. “It’s just…” He pressed his fingers into the side of his temple “It’s a paper crane. Akira made it.”

Sakamoto let that sink in.“You tellin me you were just sitting here staring at the thing Akira made you?”

“I wasn’t,” Goro replied, trying desperately to catch his breath as casually as possible.

“Uh, you literally were.” Sakamoto got uncomfortably close to him again. Goro physically moved away, because now was not the time.

It didn’t deter Sakamoto whatsoever. He put his hands on his hips and gave an annoying grin. “Bro, you gotta tell him… You’ve obviously got it preeetty bad.”

Goro was fed up with this. This conversation needed to end, or he thought he might explode. “I don’t ‘have it bad,’ Sakamoto, stop bringing this up.”

Sakamoto smirked at him. “You so do though, is the thing.”

“I don’t. Leave me alone.”

He shrugged his shoulders, and kept his mouth shut. He was acting so haughty, like he’d won the argument. Which, he hadn’t, for the record.

That stupid crane. All it’d done was make things worse. And what was it even doing? Sitting here crumbling away into uselessly folded paper. A cheap napkin made of other recycled cheap napkins. Clean and crisp paper was a long sought after dream, a fantasy and nothing more.

You know, this was just it, really. This is what he meant. Akira would try and fold him up and he’d inevitably fall back down. He didn’t know just what fantastic method he’d try, but it wouldn’t matter— he was made of what he was made of, and nothing would hold him up. Trying was pointless, risking for naught, it would be better for everyone if he stayed just how he was and didn’t overstay his use.

He would not fit into Akira’s plans or his pities. He couldn’t.

“…Bruh. What does that even mean.”

Ah? “What?“ No. He had not said that out loud. Sakamoto did not just hear all that nonsense.

Sakamoto was giving him a funny look. “You’re not a napkin, man.”

God, shit. Shit shit shit. “I— I know that, this is just—“ The unpleasant feeling of blood rushing to his face was just as intolerable as it was unpreventable.

“For real? Cause you sure sounded like you were calling yourself a napkin.”

Absolutely unbelievable. How unruly was he that he’d just spouted all that like it was nothing? He couldn’t believe he had to explain himself now, but letting him get ideas was undeniably worse. “It’s supposed to be… symbolic, Sakamoto.”

He could practically see the gears turning in his head. That wasn’t something difficult to understand, you dunce. Every second of this humiliating scene felt like a knife turning in his back.

“Why does your brain work in such effed up ways. You gotta work on that,” Sakamoto said, not letting up his judgemental look.

He crossed his arms, trying to make his mortification appear like annoyance. “Don’t you start with me. As if you ever have something useful to say. At least I’m— I’m thinking, here.”

That riled him up a bit. “I’m thinkin’! I almost flunked literature so maybe I’m not so good at this analysis stuff, but you know what? Hear me out.” Goro did not want to hear him out. He continued despite that. “I get it, you got your problems. But I really don’t think you callin’ yourself some shitty crane is fair, you know? Like, you’re a whole guy.”

He did not appreciate how genuine Sakamoto was acting. It was odd, and it felt awkward coming from him. He didn’t want to feel guilty for being rude to him earlier, either. Just another topic to bother him to sleep.

Sakamoto went on. “Gahhh, it feels weird sayin’ this but like, you’re not a napkin, okay! And Akira doesn’t think so either. You’re more… complicated. Napkins don’t pay taxes or anything.”

Ah, alright. So it was mostly bullshit. He could ease the guilt away in one fell swoop.

Goro’s disinterest seemed to show itself well to Sakamoto. “Just, okay. Lemme get my thoughts here. You gotta like… be your own first step. I didn’t get my own shit sorted out until I actually tried to. And I’m not sayin it’s easy to do. But Imma tell you right now your first step is gonna be to stop thinking you’re a napkin or a bucket or a plate of green beans or whatever else you come up with. And I mean it, man.”

Goro knew he had things to say to that. He had thought out replies and phrases that Sakamoto would need more headspace to begin to understand. But none of them came to him. So he decided to stay threateningly quiet.

It was well received. “Okay okay, you’re gettin’ mad, I can tell. I’m gonna take my break,” Sakamoto relented, and turned on his heel. “I ain’t really trying to tell ya what to do but give it a thinking about, alright? ‘Least for Akira’s sake,” he said over his shoulder, and left Goro almost more alone than before.

It wasn’t even Akira’s sake Goro was worried about. Not in the way Sakamoto seemed to think. And he didn’t need to be told he wasn’t some inanimate object, he wasn’t that out of mind.

Any sort of sensible argument would have to come to him after the fact, apparently. To tell him this wouldn’t be a “first step,” more like a hundredth. How many paces did crawling out of the hole he’d buried himself in count for? How many miles had he gone by now, barefoot and bleeding all the way.

Such a stupid conversation. Needless, too, since for whatever reason his filter decided to leave him to fend for himself. Just another addition to this embarrassing excuse of a shift today.

The paper crane sat still on the counter, though it hardly resembled one anymore. He almost felt bad. He had his typical pit in his stomach, but nothing exactly to pinpoint it on. Was he wallowing in that much self-loathing?

Perhaps.

Goro adamantly refused to have any more dramatic revelations at his part time job, so any introspections would have to come later.

He put the crumpled crane in his pocket. It was certainly not going to be a crane once he took it out again, but he didn’t really know what else to do with it. Throwing it away felt wrong, to him. Though he wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do with it when he got home.

Akira hadn’t given this to him in hopes of causing some mental anguish. Or at least, he assumed so. Sakamoto had said he didn’t play mind games, but if not those, what was he doing? It felt better to know it was a game, in that way there was something about Akira’s mystery of a consciousness he could pry through.

Was he reading into things? For sure. Reading too deeply into anything had been a talent of his for as long as he could remember. It had saved his life before, many times and in the most difficult of times.

This crane wasn’t life threatening, but it felt like it was. Not in the thrilling way, but in the shitty way.

His shift was over soon. Which reminded him, Sakamoto had surely already taken his break. He was a dip, but Goro preferred his own thoughts to any conversation they’d had today. And that was saying something, since getting out of his own head was a much needed relief that he’d take almost any chance he got.

He was overthinking, and there was nothing he could do about it. He would continue to overthink until someone stole his brain and dunked it in acid. Where was the enjoyment otherwise? It was all he knew how to do.

And even he didn’t overthink this— if Akira had given this to him in earnest and in playfulness, and if Sakamoto hadn’t been overtly pulling his leg through their shifts today. There wasn’t even anything remarkable about it. If there was a chance that maybe things were just okay, and getting better, and he wasn’t a living metaphor for a tissue. Oh just, say he invited him out for coffee, and Akira surprised him with a new little creation, less spur of the moment and made something almost sweet. He’d never drop his pride so low as to ask for a lesson, but if he did, maybe he could learn to make something, too. And maybe he wouldn’t hate every moment of it, and maybe he’d like getting so close, and maybe he’d appreciate the mistakes as much as the praises.

…Hm.

That was just a fantasy, of course. And surely, nothing was all that great about it. Anything could go wrong in any number of ways, his own interventions just one category.

Maybe it was the headache, or the dragging on shift, or the terrible lights, or the distant humming of his coworker, but Goro must’ve been caught off guard today. Because otherwise, why else would he have thought, not long and not convincingly, but still a thought as present as can be, that maybe, despite everything.

It could be nice. Just for a little bit. Maybe that didn’t sound quite so bad.

Not so bad at all.

#it is shuake btw!#thank u for requesting this sorry i took ages #i hope you’ll enjoy it...... and sorry if youve been avoiding spoilers!!!#i know the games out but i also know not everyone has seen all the Content #but i will leave it at that #also its 6k cause i just dont know how to stop talking #my fics #my p5 fics #ask #dorky-arsene

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mysterioh · 5 years

Text

The Ignorant Beauty and The Beast of New York - Chapter 2

PAIRING: MOB!STEVE ROGERS X READER

Synopsis: Y/N is an exhausted bio major. Steve is danger with a capital DANGER. She thinks he’s a sarcastic prick with an impressive knowledge in art history. He thinks she’s cute even if she’s only running on one brain cell. All he wants is a single date, but she’s adamant upon denying.

Masterlist

Death of a College Student

“Excuse me?” you questioned incredulously and a bit freaked out.

Steve gave you a charming yet crooked smile, taking note of your features with great detail. Your brows were knitted in confusion and mouth ajar in disgust. Your form leaning towards him in a primal state of attack with your hand tightly wrapped around your bag. Ready to swing if he decided to call you sweetheart one more time.

He found it rather endearing. Attractive would be the best word. Very attractive. Steve knew he was a bit unhinged, probably had something to do with his line of work , and that he did just meet you like two minutes ago but damn did he like you.

The way you held yourself. Firm and bold in front of a man you had to look up at to get a good look in the eyes. Your curt responses and brash attitude. He liked it all very much. Bonus points for having a cute face. Extra credit for possibly being a fellow Brooklynite.

"Sorry," he chuckled, "I didn't mean it in that way. I say stupid stuff sometimes."

“Then maybe you shouldn’t talk at all,” you snapped, quickly turning on your heel to walk away.

“Come on, now. If I didn’t talk, you would’ve been stuck in front of the painting for hours,” he pointed out, following behind you like a lost puppy. You grunted at his reply. He was right, but that didn’t give him the right to call you sweetheart. “I helped you and don’t you think I deserve some compensation for my contribution?”

You stop and turn to him. “Right of course,” you said, starting to rummage through your bag. Steve smiles, already thinking of what kind of coffee he’d like to get. You take his hand a put something in it. He looks down to find a dirty penny in his hand. “A penny for your thoughts,” you smiled then turned to leave.

Steve laughs heartily. Extra extra credit for a horrible yet good sense of humor. He wasn’t ready to quit just yet and quickly approached you, walking by your side. You huffed then turned to him.

“What am I gonna have to do for you to leave me alone?” you spat.

“Ahh, so you are from Brooklyn,” he pointed at you.

You groaned and he almost awwed. “Listen, asshat, I will not hesitate to break that pretty nose of yours,” you threatened.

“You think my nose is pretty? That’s kinda weird, but I’ll take the compliment,” Steve smiled teasingly. “I think you’re pretty cute overall,” he stated.

You jump back a little when he drops that on you. Receiving compliments was scarce, especially ones about your looks from gorgeous men. A light blush slowly creeps onto your cheeks and for the first time that morning, you didn’t know how to respond.

“Alright how about I help ya?” Steve offered.

“Help me?”

“Yeah, you’re doing some project, right?” You nodded. “And you probably have no idea what to write.” Another nod. “Then I’ll help ya. I’ll be the Rosalind Franklin to your Weston and Crack.”

“It’s Watson and Crick,” you corrected.

“Uh-uh, no science talk,” he wagged his finger. “We don’t do that around here. This is holy ground and we only speak in the language of the arts.”

You roll your eyes at him, but don’t say anything to deny his offer. He was right. You were probably going to fail this project if he didn’t help you. So why not just take it? If he made a move, you could just kick him in the balls and make a run for it.

You sighed. “Fine, I’ll let you help me.”

Steve beams when you accept and you couldn’t help but smile just a little. “Great let’s go.” He motions you to follow.

“Woah, woah, woah,” you stopped him. “You don’t even know what I’m supposed to be doing.”

“Right,” he chuckled awkwardly. “Mind explaining?”

“So I have to look at three works of art in this place and write how I feel about it,” you informed. “My professor gave us a list of things that are the most famous. I already have two. So I guess we can just go to the next one on the list?”

“Sure,” he shrugs.

“Right, so next on the list is-uh…,” you glance over the paper in your hand. “The Death of Socrates.”

“Ah, a classic,” Steve says, walking down the hall.

“You know your way around here?” you asked, with your map in hand.

“Yeah,” he said.

“Do you work here or something?”

Steve shakes his head with a chuckle. “No, just a humble lover of the arts.”

Left at the end of the corridor and right at the next then walking straight down the hall brought you to the painting of the great philosopher Socrates.

“Oh, I’ve seen this before,” you pointed at it. “We talked about this in class.”

“Yeah? What did you talk about?”

“Dunno wasn’t listening,” you shrugged.

Steve turns slightly towards you with an incredulous look.

“Please don’t yell at me again,” you told him.

“I won’t, but you’re making it so hard not to,” he replied, turning his body back to the painting. “Now tell me, what period is this from?” You had to have at least caught that.

“Renaissance,” you took a jab. When all else fails it had to be the Renaissance.

“Wrong.” he deadpanned. “It’s Neoclassical.” As if you knew what that meant. “You’re hopeless,” he said. “You sure you’re not failing this class?”

“For your information, I have a high B,” you retorted, hands on your hips.

“Okay,” he said doubtfully. “Neoclassical refers to a period after the Baroque. It’s simpler in terms of its style while the one prior to this was extravagant in its technique. The best thing about this painting is that it’s the perfect statement of Neoclassical technique. The stark simplicity of their statues and the focus on Ancient Greek and Roman anatomy... ”

The guy goes on for what felt like hours and it all just goes through one ear and out the other. You quickly write down some important notes about the technique. Something to do with a focal point and the direction the natural eye would move. Blah blah blah.

“Are you even listening to me?”

“Yeah, I’m listening,” you replied, scribbling down words onto a notebook. He takes the book from your hands. “Hey!”

“You’ll learn better if you listen with all your attention. Bet you when you get home, you’re not gonna understand any of this.” He said, shaking the notebook in his hand. You yanked the notebook from his hand but listened.

“So as I was saying,” he continued, making you huff and cross your arms. “Notice how muted the colors are towards the outside of the painting and how it becomes more vibrant in the center. And why do you think that is?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged, “Cause he’s in the middle?”

“Exactly,” he grins. “And why is that so important?”

The look in your eyes is blank and said: you’re asking too much of me . Steve sighs then pointed at the painting with emphasis. “Don’t you see it?”

“I wouldn’t be asking you for help if I did,” you snapped.

“Socrates is the subject-matter. This entire painting is about his death.”

“No shit, Sherlock.”

He ignores your sassy remark and continues. “Look at everyone else. They’re distraught. Broken-hearted that their beloved teacher is being forced to poison himself just because his beliefs differ from the rest of Athens,” he explained. “But look at Socrates. He stands tall. He’s not afraid of dying. Cause he knows he’s dying for what he thinks is right. He takes it as an honor. When everyone else around him is falling, he’s still strong in the face of death.”

“Man, you’re really good at this.”

Steve hunches over with a sigh. “You haven’t listened to a word I just said, did you?”

“I did!” you assured, turning back to the painting. “I think it brings about the question. How far are you willing to go for what you believe in? Even if it brought you to death, would you still stick to it?”

Steve laughs with a shake of the head. Your brows furrow in confusion.

“Was I wrong?” you inquired.

“No,” he chuckled. “It’s just I wasn’t expecting so much from you. You caught me off guard there.”

“Jerk,” you murmured, writing a few words into your notebook for memory. You clicked the top of your pen with a satisfied smile. It was finally time to go home.

“So about that coffee?” Steve recalled with a wickedly handsome grin.

You groan internally, forgetting he was right there. Now it was time for an escape.

“Oh my god! Look!” you exclaimed, pointing behind him. He turns to look and finds nothing.

“I don’t see anything,” he shakes his head. He turns towards you or where you were supposed to be. All he found was a figure of dust and you halfway across the room. He could’ve caught up to you, but this time he decided to let you go. He chuckles to himself. She’s cute. She’s really cute.

TAGLIST

@scuzmunkie @achishisha @rootcrop

A/N: Hi! If you want to be tagged pls ask or msg me. This is a sideblog so I can’t reply :( but if you do it’s fine! I just won’t reply!

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers imagine #mob!steve #steve rogers #mafia!steve #mafia steve rogers x reader

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writethehousedown · 4 years

Text

And The Livin's Easy, Chapter Seven (Multi) - Zyan

a/n: I DID IT! kinda at the last moment, but here she is. we’ve reached yet another end. thanks for reading fellas! sideblog for crying about the ending with me is @chachkisalpaca - a million thanks to frey for beta-ing this.

Summer of 2021, a year later.

Vanessa launches herself into Crystal’s arms when she sees her step foot onto the beach.

“You came!” She screeches so loud it hurts her ears. But she doesn’t complain, she’s missed Vanessa a whole lot. Crystal just hugs her tighter, lifting her up.

“Of course I came! I missed you, bitch,” she exclaims, settling her on the ground again. Vanessa takes her hand and guides her where she and Kameron are settled. “I gotta say though, if you made me stop on my way back home after losing to Shea Couleé in Hawaii, just to see you lose tomorrow, I’m done being friends with you,” Crystal deadpans, and Vanessa briefly lets go of her hand to playfully smack her.

Hawaii hadn’t been half as bad this year compared to the last one, considering she ended up in the fifth place, so the second place was an upgrade, and she did spend a great time while she was there — though Vanessa didn’t join her, preferring instead to stay in California in order to practice for an upcoming competition she was sure she would excel in thanks to most surfers being in Hawaii, but she still had April and Jaida to hang out with.

Things with Jaida were cooler now; they had managed to become actual friends and whatever awkwardness from the past was resolved. She still was her usual self, though this time around she seemed goofier and way more laid back. Crystal wonders if it has to do with that contact in her phone —“Babe” with three purple hearts— and the fact she’s also making a stop in California before returning to Milwaukee.

“Shush, you know I’ll win,” Vanessa says with a cocky grin, and her confidence makes her think that she’ll indeed destroy the competition.

They make small talk as they navigate their way back to Vanessa and Kameron’s blanket; Crystal asks how life is going since they moved in together on their one year anniversary, and Vanessa looks oh so radiant as she tells her how every morning and night is better than the last one, and that family reunions with Brooke aren’t as awkward as they could be thanks to them getting their shit together and talking things out.

Crystal asks if Plastique and Brooke are still a thing, and Vanessa shrugs, says she hasn’t talked with Brooke since the summer’s started, but last thing she knew was that they were visiting Plastique’s family in Vietnam over the summer and that the tickets were already paid for. Or that’s what Yvie told her, anyway, when she made a quick stop in California before heading to Hawaii to see her girlfriend.

Kameron is as strong as ever and almost crushes Crystal in a hug that leaves her breathless.

“Always a pleasure to see you, Kam,” she says, and Kameron laughs wholeheartedly upon seeing her expression.

“How are you, Crys? Where’s your surfboard? I thought I could get some cool photos of you and ‘Ness,” Kameron inquires, reaching for her professional camera carefully tucked in her backpack.

“Ah, I left it at my hotel room. I was having lunch when Vanj told me y’all were here already, and the restaurant was a few streets down, so.” She shrugs, taking the hair tie on her wristband to try and collect her short hair in a low ponytail.

“Aw, d’you have money to rent one? I wanted to beat you like Shea Couleé beat you in Hawaii, so I can have a taste of how it’ll feel to win tomorrow,” Vanessa teases her, placing her head on Kameron’s shoulder. Crystal rolls her eyes, both due to Vanessa’s cockiness and how disgustingly cute they are.

“You talk a big game, but I’m sure that I can beat you harder than Shea Coulee beat me!” Crystal retorts, earning a loud laugh from Kameron and Vanessa. She laughs too, and proceeds to tell Vanessa she has enough to rent a surfboard for maybe an hour. Vanessa claps excitedly, grabbing her hand and guiding her to the rental shack, before giving Kameron a quick kiss, promising to be back in a second.

Crystal rolls her eyes again. She can’t stand affection right now, not when she told her latest girl she was leaving yesterday and she stood her up at the airport, not even bothering to send her a goodbye text.

It’s disappointing, because she thought maybe this girl was like Gigi and she cared the tiniest bit about her.

But Gigi is unique. There probably won’t be anyone like her ever again, and Crystal is at peace with that for some odd reason.

They tried to stay in contact once they left Honolulu, but life is hectic, and it was becoming quite hard to juggle college, her job, and texting a girl half a country away on the regular. The last time they talked was on Crystal’s birthday, a simple “Happy birthday, babe!” with a heart and a globe emoji attached to it. Crystal liked the message and replied with a polite ‘thank you’, and that was it.

She tries to remember where in California Gigi said she was from. Maybe, if there’s the tiniest bit of coincidence that she lives near, they can have a movie-like reunion and revive those three weeks together, but she doesn’t get her hopes up.

Maybe Gigi doesn’t hate beaches that much after all.

Well, she can’t say that right now, not when she’s the only one without a girlfriend to spend summer with — Brita is going out with a girl from her class, after she spent all year long complaining about her and her shit attitude, Jan has a long distance girlfriend whom she talks with every day and swears is coming to see her before summer ends, and Jackie and Nicky are so sweet together it’s disgusting.

She feels left out, somehow. Probably because all they talk about in recent times is their partners and love lives, and Gigi hasn’t had a proper date since April, when they set her up with a senior called Pearl and their date went awful. She’s pretty sure Pearl is now dating someone else, though.

“Geeg, do you wanna come with me to get a smoothie?” Brita asks, sounding only a little bit impatient. Gigi cocks a sly brow when she notices it’s the second time in the hour she’s going for a smoothie.

“Brita, for the last time, Aiden is working and you shouldn’t be spending all your money on smoothies. The chemical bathrooms are a mess,” Jackie scolds her, briefly stopping running her fingers through Nicky’s hair, who’s lying across Jackie’s lap.

Brita folds her arms, saying, that ‘for the last time, it has nothing to do with the fact Aiden works there’, when suddenly Jan shoots up and runs off, leaving all the girls surprised.

They call for her and try to follow her as well as they can, when they spot her running into a woman’s arms, and the woman lifts her from the ground, spinning her around. They kiss while Jan is in the air, and Gigi can’t help but to roll her eyes.

Great, another pair of lovebirds she has to put up with.

Jan meets them back at their spot after kissing her girlfriend for what felt like a lifetime and introduces her as Jaida. Gigi vaguely remembers her from somewhere else.

“We met last year in Hawaii, and went out while Jay was there! We’ve been texting a lot since then, and remember that I went to Milwaukee for winter break?” Jan explains excitedly, snuggling closer to Jaida with each word she speaks. Gigi tries not to roll her eyes when Jan tells them, for maybe the hundredth time, how Jaida asked her to be her girlfriend when she visited her over winter break. Jan kisses Jaida’s cheek once she’s done talking, and Jaida just smiles brightly.

“I couldn’t pass the opportunity! You had me hooked since the moment I met you, and since this was my senior year, y’know, I thought we could make it work once I graduated,” Jaida says, bringing Jan closer by her waist and kissing her forehead.

“What were you studying?” Nicky inquires.

“I’m a communications major, and as of now I’m trying to get a job around here, so I can finally move out of my little town. And, ‘sides Jan, the beach here is always a plus. It’s a surfer’s dream,” Jaida explains, chuckling softly, and soon she’s bombarded with questions about her sport.

The fact she’s a surfer makes Gigi think of Crystal. She could’ve also had a surfer girlfriend if she tried hard enough to make it work, but she guessed that just wasn’t meant to be like Jaida and Jan.

She thinks of asking Jaida about Crystal, but decides against it. She still has Crystal’s Instagram and follows her page religiously. All she has to do is send her a text, but she doesn’t have the courage to do so after so much time having passed.

“Hey, girls? I’m gonna get ice cream, I’ll be back in a moment,” Gigi announces, grabbing her phone and shoving a couple of dollars into her phone case. She’s running away from the lovey-dovey couples more than anything, though she could also use some ice cream to help her cope.

She walks aimlessly around the beach, trying to remember where she saw the ice cream stand, avoiding children that are running around with water guns in their hands and screeching like banshees. Some beach balls are thrown her way, and she kicks them back with ease, dismissing the people that scream ‘I’m sorry’ towards her.

Gigi has learned to appreciate the unique chaos of the beach, even if she still gets annoyed at little things like the long queues to buy ice cream, and the disgusting chemical bathrooms. In the end, these are little details in the grand scheme of things.

Crystal taught her that.

It’s stupid how often she thinks about Crystal. When she starts forgetting the sound of her voice, she replays the audio messages she sent her. And sometimes, if she concentrates hard enough, she can feel the ghost of a kiss burning on her neck.

Perhaps she should download Tinder again and get a grip.

Gigi finally finds the ice cream stand she was looking for and buys the biggest cone there is, with scoops of vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate. She likes to keep it classy.

She’s slowly making her way back as she licks the Ice cream, wondering if her friends would believe her if she said she has a headache and is going home. Gigi really has no will whatsoever to sit through an entire evening of her friends rubbing their relationships in her face, while she’s painfully—

“Gigi?”

Gigi freezes mid-movement, looking for that voice she’s heard one too many times through audio messages. She finds the owner of said voice standing a few feet away, with her hair, that was once long and ebony, cut above her shoulders, dyed in a deep green that looks almost black, wearing a stupid yellow Hawaiian shirt over a red bikini, holding a surfboard under her arm.

She blinks repeatedly before realizing it’s not her mind playing a trick on her. It really is Crystal who’s approaching her.

“Crystal,” she manages to say, staring at her. Crystal’s smile is still the same, and her plump lips are as kissable as ever. She has a new piercing in her belly button; Gigi thinks it suits her. “It’s— I didn’t— You’re in California,” Gigi blurts out, and Crystal smirks.

“I am, yeah. I arrived this morning,” she says, a blush creeping onto her cheeks, but Gigi decides to think it’s a sunburn. “I was gonna, uh, I was gonna practice with Vanessa for a bit. She’s got a competition tomorrow, here,” Crystal comments awkwardly, making Gigi wonder where has the cheeky Crystal she knew gone.

“Are you participating too?” She asks, licking her melting ice cream.

Crystal shakes her head no, much to Gigi’s surprise.

“Oh, no, I’m sitting this one out. I didn’t have the time to sign up for this one; I was in Honolulu for another competition, like every year. I came in second. I did get a consolation prize and some money, though,” Crystal explains, going from excited to disappointed, and excited again in the span of a few seconds. Gigi giggles; she’s missed Crystal’s enthusiasm.

“How long are you staying?” Gigi asks, with a tinge of hopefulness in her tone. Crystal smiles softly, tapping on the surfboard.

“Like, three days,” she replies, biting her lower lip. Gigi’s heart sinks for a moment, but she continues. “You think that’s enough time to catch up before I’m back to Missouri?” Crystal asks, sounding way too sheepish.

A smile spreads on Gigi’s face, immediately thinking of all the things they can do together while she’s in the city, and a squeal of happiness escapes her mouth before she realizes.

“Oh my God, yes! I mean, it’s not as much time as I would want, but we could make it work,” Gigi assures her, and Crystal nods, giving her a toothy smile.

“We can make it work,” she repeats. Gigi nods dumbly, licking her ice cream again when she feels her hand get sticky with the melted cream. Crystal stifles a laugh. “I have to catch up with Vanjie, but, uh, do you wanna go for a swim together when I’m done?” Crystal asks, as if she didn’t know Gigi would say yes.

Gigi nods, and Crystal is already turning around to go to her friend, when Gigi tugs on her arm. She turns around, careful as not to smack any kid with her surfboard, and before she can say anything, Gigi steals a kiss from her.

“I’ve missed you,” she breathes out against her lips, and she can feel Crystal smiling before kissing her back.

“Summer’s way funnier with you,” she mumbles in response, forgetting about Vanessa, who’s waiting for her. The only thing she can think of right now is Gigi and how much she’s missed her lips.

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bambismom · 4 years

Text

Tag Game: Get To Know The Mun

Answer the questions below and tag 11 people you want to know better. @4gottenname tagged me! I see you all the time in my notes and we are mutuals but I dont know you and I'd like to! Thank you for tagging me <3

1. What do you prefer to be called name wise?

Bambi and Jay are both great!

2. When is your birthday?

July 2nd! I'm a cancer and I'm proud if it!

3. Where do you live? (You dont have to give the city, you can give the state if your USA or the country if you are overseas)

Bright and sunny San Jose, CA

4. Three things you are doing right now?

Picking acrylic off my fingers from painting all day, seriously and honestly considering becoming a person who pushes around a cart of ice cream as a side job, and being very excited for my best friends birthday tomorrow!

5. Four Fandoms that have your peak interest right now?

Four is a lot! I'm not really in any active fandoms with a name right now, just kind of things I'm enjoying on my own time during the lockdown. I'm rewatching a lot of old cartoons that meant a lot to me as a kid. Like Ren and Stimpy, Chalkzone, Johnny Bravo, Cow and Chicken, and Spongebob. XD.

Oh! I guess I'm p invested in animal crossing right now! Pls go follow my sideblog @loveallvillagers ! It's a villager positivity blog because I'm tired of seeing ppl hating on their villagers! It will update twice a week with new villagers. And other positive AC posts will get reblogged there occasionally :3 thank you for considering

6. How has this pandemic been treating you?

Other than my company and bank screwing me over with some drama about my paycheck that I'm still trying to resolve, it's actually going pretty well! I've been getting a lot of art done. And now that most of my friends are done with their classes it's not so lonely anymore because I've been on voice chat in discord like constantly

7. A song you can't stop listening to right now?

Sugar Neighbors by Dane Terry! Ooooh my god please go listen its beautiful, so is all his other music. We love queer artists in this house <3

8. Reccomend a movie

If you like musicals and love yourself, Chicago is *very good*

If you dont like musicals and love yourself, Birds of Prey slaps

If you like musicals but hate yourself, Cats (2019) sucks ass and is extremely fun to watch but it hurts the whole time you're watching it

If you hate both musicals and yourself, my son @bigoloofers has made me watch Flushed Away more times than I could have wished for

9. How old are you?

21 baybeee (20 not 21 but that's what I tell my liquor store ;3c )

10. School, University, Occupation, Other?

I'm too dumb for higher education but I'm currently designing and building frames for artwork for a living!

11. Do you prefer heat or cold?

The hotter the better! I cant stand cold weather and I would be in a pool for my whole life if I could

12. Name one fact about you that others may find unusual.

Uuuhhhhhhh..... even though I really need glasses, I can spot a black cat half a mile away in the middle of the night from a moving car. It's like spidey sense but not useful at all. @akibunni can attest to this.

13. Are you shy?

Nope!!

14. Do you have preferred pronouns?

They/She please my loves <3

15. Biggest pet peeve?

When people are mean to their animal crossing villagers. Fuck that. Also when people try to help me when I didnt ask to be helped or even when they asked and I said no. I like to do things for myself.

16. What is your fave 'dere' type?

Mmmmmm, not to sound basic but the gore and horror aspect of yandere is 😍😍😍 but I dont like to glorify it so I just kinda keep it to myself

17. Rate your life 1-10, 1 being really crappy and 10 being best it could ever be.

Ooo. Uhm.. 8! I think I have a right to say I was dealt a really shitty hand. But despite all that, I'm doing better for myself than I ever hoped I could be when I was at my lowest. I'm happy, I'm mostly healthy, I like my job, and I have wonderful friends! The only thing I want is my own apartment with a guest bedroom and a craft room 😍

18. What is your main blog?

This one right here!

19. List your side blogs and what they are used for.

Oh boy I have like 15 active sideblogs I'll just do a few!

@geowebcare is where I put fun transparent images and old web graphics, mostly for me to use on another site but I think it's worth a follow if thats your style

@loveallvillagers of course, which I explained earlier in this wall of text

@bambismomcooks is where I dump a bunch of recipes that look yummy

@accurate-jackson-facts is..... kind of dead as fuck but I keep meaning to go back to updating it regularly. It's a blog where I make up completely true facts about Andrew Jackson because he was a total wad.

20. Is there anything you think people need to know before becoming friends with you?

I don't bite! I really dont bite! My PMs are always open and you dont even need a reason to talk to me! I'll basically respond at any hour of the day too XD I dont sleep

I am tagging: @bigoloofers @kazgv @akibunni @narcolepticpansy @itissadbutitsmy-life @thequietestlilbucket @tenta--prince @alyxthearrogantambassador @theoreticalstrawberries (that's right I see you all the damn time and I love you) @kasane-ruby (you too) and @cyber-mudcrab love ya Miles

#jay is literate #jay gets tagged #???#yeah thats a good tag

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queenofthegalaxxy · 4 years

Note

☆☆☆

MEME: Send me a ☆☆☆ and I will tell you…

Thanks for sending one!

How I rate your blog:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |

How I rate your URL:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |

How I rate your blog theme:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |

How you play your muse:

(That latter thing there means as mutual/friend/interactionpartner right? At least it’s how I understand it - also ‘wow’ feels like an odd thing for rating kinda)

Thoughts/opinion on the mun:

We met all the way back when I just only started to try out RPing (on my Starfire)! I think you were just starting off too, and I’m just really glad we happened to do so at a similar point in time! Who knows if we’d have found one another similarly well otherwise!

And then we interacted. In various threads, with all the good stuff - and I enjoyed all of it. I’m pretty sure I said this somewhere before, but, I honestly doubt I’d still be going if you hadn’t been one of my partners from the beginning on out. It always feels like there are only very few TT RPers, or at least that are also mutuals with me, and you are no doubt the one that stayed with me the longest AND did the most stuff with me too. I’m so very thankful for all of it!

Eventually I made a Blackfire sideblog, too, and we interacted on there too (though I can’t remember if that happened pretty much right away or only later-on, but anyway). We didn’t do as much here as on Star, but I still had fun with what we did so far!

How much I ship our muses:

(I kinda never really much thought about them even meeting? Which makes it a little difficult to rate if I ship them or not? I mean I think all we did [so far] was - in a kinda AU where Terra stayed evil and succeeded in killing off most of the team, where I’m not sure if Blackfire is interested in staying longer than that one meeting would take what with Star gone and all? Sure, their little team-up was enjoyable and all, but idk if there really developed anything of a bond other than cooperating for the moment? - and the one that we had going where I think Blackfire intended to, like, sell Terra off? Which I actually can’t recall if it also was in a evil!Terra thing or not, but, same thing probably stands with that I don’t think there really developed anything so it’s difficult to say anything And idk I haven’t really thought through how a meeting in other circumstances, as in where they wouldn’t be wanting bad for the other, with them would go? I’m definitely open to developing something though, if you ever want to! Sorry that I can’t say something ‘better’ here!)

How attractive my muse finds yours:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |

(Not meant in a bad way that the rating is so ‘low’, Terra looks alright and all but Blackfire doesn’t really see anything ‘special’ about it?)

Platonic attraction:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |

(Assuming some kind of main-verse here, Blackfire wouldn’t really be interested in Terra given she is/was/kindamightonedayagainbe a hero or at the very least friends with the Titans. Bonus points for having faced and fought them and done so well with it, though, assuming Blackfire actually knows of all that)

Sexual attraction:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 |

(Uh god I can’t judge this sorry, I would say none at all but Blackfire always holds it possible to have ‘fun’ with people so who knows, not me)

A situation or starter sentence for our muses:

….

A scene I would want to write with you:

Or: I have always wanted to write…

(I italicized what I could see happen, not necessarily what we should do. As for what I always wanted to write, I’d probably default to my unused verses here again, which I’ll just skip for now, so I can’t really say more here either I guess)

If we would write, my mood is:

(Don’t ask me to choose genres I never can -- I guess ‘any genre’ is a good option then though)

#★ Come back when you have something useful to say! ★ | Answered #★ Boring! A human talking. ★ | OOC #god this feels so lame an answer; i'm sorry!#nvertoolate

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honeyfreckled · 5 years

Note

we have talked a few times and im sorry for this but you are the most accepting and easiest person to talk to honestly i dont have many people in my life i can tell anything real to. but the thing is ive been thinging about relapsing a lot more since i broke up with my boyfriend and i work with him so it makes work depressing and impossible to get through a day without crying sorry this is anon but i am scared ily dont hate me i am not trying to stress you out

ok wow first lemme just say: I DO NOT HATE U. EVER.

and don’t be srry i don’t have a lotta ppl irl i can tell my shit to so i get it. pls know u can always ALWAYS ALWAYS come to me, and u dont gotta be scared to come off anon. i get it and it’s ok if u prefer it that way- but pls know i dont keep it on alot bc i get hate and then i turn it off bc i gotta look out for myself and dont post all the hate bc i dont wanna bring yall down or give them the satisfaction of knowing i have given it a read and response. so u can message me or make a sideblog or idk im just saying this so if it’s off later u dont blame yrself or feel scared to come off anon. ok sorelapse is a real thing and it’s fucked and hard and addiction is fucked up and a real life struggle and we dont treat addicts w the real tenderness, respect, kindness, and acceptance they deserve. but u DO deserve it. and there are hotlines, apps, churches, groups, chatrooms/boards, and sites that are more versed in what are the appropriate things to say to u- i say this bc while i’ve been thru it w loved ones i have not myself struggled w addiction w substances. my addictions were to self harm and victimhood so those are the things i searched for help on. but if it’s alright i’d like to give u some tips or things i used and have heard work for addicts of substances

places like i said like churches, groups, chatrooms, sites, apps, hotlines the apps and hotlines are good if u cant travel or want to talk to ppl who wont share their story bc maybe u cant hear it like its not the kinda help ur looking for. hotlines are sometimes tricky bc some of those folks are not educated they are volunteers so judgment leaks thru and in that case u ask to be redirected and report that volunteer so hopefully they dont repeat that kinda mess to other vulnerable folks looking for help

make a list of things, anything. list of foods u like to order, list of things that make u clench yr teeth, what were yr fave gifts you’ve ever got, style icons of urs, hobbies u tried that annoyed u, movies u can always watch, places on yr skin u hate being touched, any list of anything it doesnt have to be the usual thing of “what to live for” bc when yr depressed those kinds of things arent easy to think of. but if u get a list going of like “best things ive ever touched” “sounds that make me laugh” “trends that were stupid af” “popular things that i didnt like n couldnt figure out why they were popular” “weirdest ppl ive met” well those things might get u on a roll of good memories or laughing or seeing that theres more to yr life than what has been occupying yr thoughts

dancing. dance in yr room in the dark. clear some space. put on some headphones. lock yr door. do it in the shower. just dance. i had to start w closing my eyes and picking songs that i was taken by emotionally. songs that made me jump and slamdance tbh and then it’s just gotten more and more something im not as ashamed w. i spent a date night w james just dancing and then we ya know ya know bc the dancing got so wild. now i make playlists of songs that set moods for diff kinds of dancing

watch shows w ppl who arent doing better than u. they dont live in fancy places, they dont do much w their lives, they dont dress better than u, they struggle, they arent eating good food u dont have access to. iasip. freaks and geeks. letterkenny. undeclared. jake and amir. tpb. the state. youtube. tiktok/vine comps. lots of these kinds of vibes on youtube

podcasts. improv comedy podcasts tbh saved my life. comedy bang! bang! has best of’s those are good ones to start w. improv4humans bc matt besser has great guests of some of the best improvisers out there and he has musical guests and they’ll play a song and the improvisers will use it as inspo for a scene

make things. moodboards. pinterest. playlists. fill a shopping cart and tell yrself “i’ll get it when i win the lotto and move away from anyone who knows me so i can be the me i wanna be w/out judgement” make tea. make a meal if u can. make yr bed. clean one thing. clean the sink. hang some clothes or go thru yr drawers and clean them out. throwing things out feels hard at first but then it’s nice bc u feel less bogged down

find something to throw yr obsession at for a bit. something that wont hurt u as bad, being obsessed in general isnt good. everything in moderation irl. too much of something is bad just as much as too less of it can be bad. but yr looking for something lower risk here and if u gotta be obsessed w a celeb or a song or a food that’s ok. yr focusing the energy on something that isnt a substance so be proud of it

give yrself a break. give yrself some credit. everyday isnt gonna be on the “best of your name here’s days” but sometimes u just live to live bc that’s what u do. u wait it out and get thru it and wait for the sun to come back out. and if u cant get outta bed. or if you hate yr job and wanna scream- that’s normal it’s more normal than always being happy ppl just dont like talking abt bc society kinda trains us to hide our fucked upness idk why but thats how it is. they dont wanna tell us to do preventative care until we’re in the pits

all in all- it comes down to (at least for me) not planning w an endgoal in mind. it’s not over til it’s over and rlly we dont know. it’s all fluctuating and not meant to be a finish line we cross and then suddenly we’re done and we dont suffer anymore and the feeling of shit is gone or the risk of relapse is gone and the depression is cleared away never to be seen again. it’s not realistic. bc it isnt real. on the real- risk is always there and the downs and ups mix and run together and depression is not curable (this isnt something to be miserable over tho) depression isnt curable, yeah ok, but it is manageable. it can be quieted down from time to time and if u keep up w yr healthy routines and coping mechanisms- depression will still find its way to u bc the real world is not something u can manage. death in the family, loss of money or job, car breaking down, sickness outta nowhere, depression grows wild when these very real life stressors come into our lives. but all that too eventually gets easier and easier at least from a “ok i have some distance now” standpoint. and then as those days get more and more btwn it u can then be like “oh wow, ive made it thru X amount of days! ive put up w it this long! whats one more day, whats one more week, hell might as well see how much prouder i can feel once ive got a year under my belt!” plus u will be more capable of handling the bullshit if u know u can still find some safe places in yr coping skills or friends or resources.

ok so this is prob a mess but bottomline know this:

I love you and i will be here the best i can should u ever wanna come spill or if u need me to just send u pics of my dog or boring pics of knickknacks or selfies or memes or links or anything just tell me what u need and i will try my best to show u my love. i hope u can see that u reaching out is just already a HUGE major step in the right direction, give yrself credit! thats amazing! yr already doing it pumpkin look at u! it’s hard ik. but i also know if u are capable of saying u have this problem going on, u are capable of getting thru this. u are a light in the world. u offer goodness and u offer yrself and that’s enough. even if yr fucked up right now- u are contributing to the world by simply being u. there is literally NO ONE ELSE WHO IS YOU. so u are unique by definition. i hope u get something from this post and if not i hope it strikes an idea or thing u can do that will help. i hope u know im here and i hope u see this.

i am sending u all my light and love and good vibes and i can’t wait to see or hear from u again. u are never bothering me, a burden, or stressing me out. tbh it stresses me more that u might be struggling and not telling me or anyone. i dont ever want u to suffer in silence bc u feel guilt or scared or anything. u deserve to have a place to voice yr shit. im here to listen if u do wanna tell me anymore.

everyone else-if this helped or if u can think of anything that might help anon or anyone else- feel free to reblog and get some good NONJUDGMENTAL advice or tips and tricks going, but please please please remember to not come off as judgey or flood it with your drama. keep ur drama out of this post so anon or anyone else doesn’t get triggered by it.

and dont ignore my rule and do it anyway and then say some shit like “ik u said not to but i think this will help lol sorry” like we need this post to stay on this vibe that i set in motion and not a struggle contest or dick measuring or all sad personal reminiscing. go make yr own post for that this is NOT the space.

#Anonymous #sorry if this is a mess but i got a lot of feelings abt the shitty advice that's out there for addicts and i dont know shit except my ideas #and all i can do is pass it along but pls still remember there are plenty more things that could work so if these dont strike a chord lmk #and i can try to think of more and reach out to my friends who are addicts and see what works for them #i love you i love you and i love you and i like you

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