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olderthannetfic · 3 years

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Ah, I do see your points, anon. I'm not going to post all your asks publicly because if you really feel that unsafe, it's probably best not to have a bigass chunk of your text for people to analyze and try to guess your identity from. I think one of the best points you made is about how close to home it hits when the non-fave is not only your fave but is similar to you in some way like demographic. You're not wrong for having those emotions. I do wonder if they make it hard to see how some other people feel similarly embattled on other axes.

TBH, I think one of the big problems here is that the large aggregate patterns you're talking about are racist, but most individual fics and fans are not really the problem. It's hard to know how to talk about this or who to tell to "fix" it when we're looking at free, hobbyist art.

A lot of people's tastes are certainly formed by shitty society, but once they're formed, they don't change fast if at all. Asking someone to rewrite their libido is a big ask, yet tumblr does it all the time as though it's as simple as snapping your fingers.

This leaves me with the sense that a lot of tumblr is... like... the political lesbians of porn fic or something: desire is not real, only choosing based on logic and politics. Or maybe people are so asexual that they just don't understand the lizard brain's "YES!" at some porn things and complete indifference to others?

I don't think it's great if great swaths of people feel like bottom!Nicky is super hot and top!Nicky fundamentally isn't, but I also don't think they can necessarily just turn it off like flipping a switch.

(If someone reading this doesn't like their current tastes and wants to attempt to alter them, I do think it's possible. What you should do is line up a large slate of media that prominently features characters of the ethnicity or whatever that you don't find hot/interesting. These should be leads whose emotional development drives the plot and is supposed to be central to the audience's enjoyment of the media. Watch/read/etc. this media all the time. All. The. Time. Try out many pieces because you won't like every character or every show, and we're looking for genuine enjoyment, not the fandom equivalent of a pity fuck. Spend enough time on this, and your unconscious sense of who's hot and interesting will eventually shift somewhat. This is a project you should expect to take a few years.)

But I digress.

The one tweet thing is a very toxic pattern. If TOG fandom is doing that, guys, please try to be more conscious of holding the actors of color to a higher standard (or the women or whomever). I know this often comes from a place of paying more attention to our own and wanting to set a good standard, but the effect is that minorities can't fuck up ever while white dudes get infinite passes.

Okay, on to the fic thing... Gotta say, my instant reaction to that description is "Ooh!"--as it would be for the same scenario with the characters reversed. (Ships who start out trying to kill each other are my favorite! x1000 if they're resurrecting style immortals and they literally do.) I can see how it would feel like slamming into a brick wall if you aren't kinky in just the right way and you didn't know it was coming though.

Part of why I react so strongly to a lot of discourse that runs along these lines is that I am a naturally extremely kinky person. It's not so much about what I do (which as a deeply lazy person in a long distance relationship is essentially nothing), but it's absolutely how I'm wired.

And I can tell you that my quotidian experience in fandom is sharing something I don't even realize is a big deal only to have someone I like, respect, and trust react in horror and tell me that it's triggering and awful and should not be allowed in fandom spaces because it makes "people" unsafe. It's such an instant, kneejerk reaction they don't even realize I was sharing it because it spoke to the very core of me. Lesson learned, friend. Lesson learned.

That sounds a bit off topic, I know, but bear with me: The point of that anecdote is that it's pretty common for me to get people trying to raise my awareness of things I have already thought deeply about while denying my essential humanity and not even realizing. As a kinky person who likes to make my fave the top (and generally a conflicted sadist), this constant request to explain and justify is exhausting.

I doubt most of the top!Joe fans have this precise problem simply because people who make their fave the top are much less common in fandom than people who make their fave the bottom, but I see a similar pattern with fans who are just fundamentally wired for rape fantasies (one of the most common fantasies that exists) vs. fans who just don't get rape fantasies at all. Or substitute your BDSM/kinky/messed up fantasy trope of choice. Covertly radical feminist attitudes towards kink and power are on the rise in fandom, and as a naturally kinky person, boy do I notice it!

I know that it feels like crucial activism to share these insights about why the ratio of top!Joe is hurtful, and the pain you feel is real. But it's also the case that it's a big ask to want people to listen. (Not me. Obviously, I routinely choose to engage with discourse. I mean overall.) The reason for that is that you're only seeing a fraction of what they do or who they are, and you don't know how many previous people they've listened to how many previous times. It's a very different situation from someone whose job is making some major TV series or movie or something. That person does, in my opinion, owe you some amount of listening.

Now, I'm not saying no top Joe fan was ever a jerk. I'll bet they were. There's a tendency to be rude and to publicly air your schadenfreude when you feel like everyone has been yelling at you. What I am saying is that a lot of the problem here boils down to conflicting needs, and that means there isn't a good solution. It's a situation where people are genuinely hurt, but I don't necessarily agree that other people have harmed them.

I like that you did an actual count of the explicit fics, btw. It's good to look at the real numbers. I see too little of that in these situations. My off the cuff reaction is that 2/3 to 1/3 is not a bad ratio at all compared to many fandoms, but yeah, it definitely shows a strong trend, and that can be painful. (I have a fandom where I think there's maybe like 1 bottom so-and-so fic in the entire zine era fandom. One. It's pretty extreme.)

I guess my thinking here overall is: What is the practical solution? What are we hoping to gain? What is reasonable to ask of people?

And it can't be "Well, if they would just listen..." That's just a sneaky way of saying "If you haven't done it my way, it's because you haven't listened to me yet."

So the question I would ask of people is this:

What does a non-racist fic where Joe tops look like?

What does a non-racist sex pollen, dubcon, or even noncon fic where Joe tops look like?

And if you say the latter is impossible... well... sadists exist everywhere in the world. So do doms. So do people who prefer to top in a purely physical sense. People with rape fantasies where they're the rapist exist (people who are not actually rapists, I mean). None of this is restricted to any one group. We can't categorically say fic like that about Joe is coming from a place of racism without denying the fundamental humanity of kinky MENA people who'd want to make Joe like themselves or like their ideal partner. (Yes, I agree this won't be the majority of fic writers writing top!Joe, but this is a place to start for figuring out what the better version would look like.)

IDK, maybe you're that kinkster yourself, but your asks gave me the vibe that you don't really get the drive towards those darker kinds of fics and what might be motivating it besides stereotypes and shittiness.

If we can answer these kinds of questions, we can better critique the way people write what they write without telling them all of their taste is bad and they should just stop writing. Even if we think the latter is true, it isn't going to get us anywhere. Figuring out how to make Joe more multidimensional in the fic they already want to write or finding very specific wording that should be avoided might actually work.

Beyond that, the actions I think are productive would be running prompt fests, exchanges, or other events for bottom!Joe or for top!Joe where he's the main character and the fics are required to be from his POV. Themed collections and recs lists are great. (I've seen a bit of this going around in TOG fandom in the past, and that's an excellent approach! Keep it up!) Positive actions tend to work better here. Make more of what you want. Promote what you want to see.

I don't mean this in some fluffy magical thinking way: you aren't going to change that ratio radically just by the power of positivity. But I've seen this kind of thing play out in many, many fandoms, and going after the people who write what you don't like, even in a well-intentioned effort to educate and even in a polite, kind way doesn't do much. A few people feel guilty. A few feel defensive. A lot ignore you. The overall fic doesn't change. It's not a good use of your limited time and energy.

I'm off to look up that fic to see what I think of it in practice, but I'm going to post this before tumblr manages to eat it.

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whumpshaped · 2 years

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Hi friend!! Sorry for disappearing a bit, I’ve really missed you! With finals and all, I’ve hardly had any spare time to check tumblr. I thought I’d tell you about the whumpy dream I just had, though!

Weirdly enough it started out about a penny museum, because dreams, right? But as things evolved, there was this society in my dream that may have been aliens or something? I think they were human though. They were just big on manners and on everyone acting like them :). And so there was this group of chaotic little shits (TM) who were sorta like a superhero group. And they would just break into the society’s place and publicly do things that go against The Rules(TM) just because it’s fun. Sometimes they would break things too. Anyways, one of the people in the silly little rebel group got captured and whumped!!! So we will call them whumpee!!!

Whumpee was the youngest in the group and I think had something to prove, so they went against the plan in order to show off. Except it screwed him over because he ended up getting caught! Anyways, society people came into whatever room they kept him in (it was an actual room with a bed) and he had to be restrained because of course they couldn’t trust him. And they would ask whumpee to say certain phrases or act politely, and of course whumpee was like “no, fuck you” and tried to scream at them and fight them and stuff. So they gave him the weird dream equivalent of a shock collar! I’m just gonna refer to it as a shock collar because I don’t want to explain the dream equivalent.

So anyways, whumpee wakes up, with a shock collar, and promptly freaks out. He’s like “what the fuck did you do to me????” And tries to tug off the collar and stuff. One of the people training him asked him to do a Simple Task nicely, and whumpee was like “what the fuck??? No, fuck you!” and then got electrocuted! So whumpee of course regretted this because it was The Most Pain They Have Felt Ever. And whumper asks him to apologize for his behavior and whumpee does, but isn’t happy about it- but all he can think of is not having to feel the shock collar again. Anyways, flash forward to a different scene, whumpee failed to escape. So whumper turns on the shock collar and tells them to try to emotionally regulate, and then to say “I’m sorry, I was wrong” which is really hard to do but whumpee almost does it!!! So whumper accepts that. Because hey, whumpee is actually trying to be good now! Anyways flash forward, whumpee is actually mostly trained! They are trying their best to be good, but they accidentally ate some food that was Specifically Designated To Never Be Eaten because they thought it was just another snack. When whumpee realizes, he goes to the trainer that’s still occasionally watching over him and tell them he made a mistake really sadly. And whumper is matter of factly like “yeah, you did. We’ll have to punish you for your mistake, but I’ll go easier on you because you told me about it instead of hiding it from me” and then uhh my dream ended I think??? I had to wake up for school. ~🐸

OMGGGGGGGGG AMAZING DREAM. i hope exams went well :D lemme share my whumpy dream in exchange for urs.

tw murder, blood, vampires and broken bones

mine took place in a haunted mansion kinda thing, and there were a group of us trying to make it out alive before sundown. but the place was like a whole maze and it was rly dark. but we knew that if we didnt make it out in time, we would have no chance of running, because the vampires would come.

and then in another scene, i was the vampire (or at least saw things from their perspective), and i killed someone. blood was pooling everywhere. i ran away from the body and acted like i was also A Victim so that the group wouldnt suspect that i was the vampire amongst them, and they believed me.

now the reason i killed that person was tactical: by killing them, i secured my own immortality somehow, but only if i could survive until sundown. which meant i either had to kill the entire rest of the group too or somehow get them to leave me alone if they found out i was a vampire.

so i did smth super bold. i outed myself as the vampire close to sundown. everyone got scared and they wanted to jump me but i was like ok. listen. i could take on All of u. However. i would not survive being taken on by [some powerful vampire hunter who was already on their way to save the group and wouldve been very mad if they found me standing over their corpses]. so my deal is. i'll let u go! i only needed to kill that one person to secure my immortality.

the group hesitantly agreed and i led them outside. but then The Powerful Person showed up. and i was like HOLY SHIT NO ITS ALMOST SUNDOWN I CANT LOSE NOW. so i ran and ran but he was catching up and in my last effort to escape i jumped out a second storey window. guy jumped after me. they somehow landed on their feet without any injuries but i literally broke both my legs and was trying to crawl away from them but i was so slow.

they were already raising their sword when i woke up...

#glad to see u around again :D #asks #angel in training anon #broken bones #nonhuman whump #shock collar #conditioning #blood #murder

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your-brilliant-lady-m · 3 years

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South Korean music industry at a glance: an outsider perspective

I watched one particular AMV last week. The song used for the video was “I’m afraid” by Korean rock band DAY6. I was pleasantly surprised as someone who values lyrics in song first and foremost. The music itself was great. I’ll listen to their songs again. It’s a nice fit for my music taste. Naturally, YouTube’s algorithm decided that I’m a fan of everything Korean after 1 video and started spamming my recommendations with k-pop songs, documentaries and everything in-between.

I watched a couple of videos, listened to some songs and discovered fascinating patterns. So, I went down to the comment section. And it was rather interesting experience, should I say? The concept of entertainment industry in South Korea simply begged to be explored more after this. I dug deeper and visited Tumblr k-pop tags and briefly glanced upon Instagram and Twitter. And, oh...

I am a big picture person and I enjoy both studying and creating systems. This one was particularly fun to explore. I discovered a lot of new things for myself. Perhaps, you can discover something new for yourself too or take a step back and look at this from a new angle.

Disclaimer: it’s impossible not to offend someone on Tumblr, so keep that in mind. That being said, I do NOT intend to insult of offend anyone. It’s just a little research done for fun, because I love research with a purpose. This post is NOT A HATE post. No hate intended for fans, artists or other people involved. It’s meant to be a discussion, nothing more and nothing less. If it sounds like hate, it’s just my sarcastic sense of humour.

Content Warning: I mention suicide, death, depression, rape in a couple of sentences. There’s nothing major or graphic, but it’s there.

In this long post I decided to share with you my opinion, a so-called outsider perspective, on the world of music entertainment industry in South Korea and people involved in it on different levels. I use the word “outsider” mainly because, that’s exactly what I am in this case, as someone who is in no way involved in k-pop community. I can’t name you a single band or their members. I don’t know any solo artist and can’t neither sing nor name you any song.

And to be completely honest, I don’t think I will set my foot into k-pop fan-circles ever again after everything I saw.

Think of this as “In this essay I will...” meme, except there’s an actual essay.

As far as I know, in South Korea “k-pop” refers to all music produced in SK, including solo artists, various bands, singers-songwriters. It doesn’t even have to be pop music. Koreans include in this definition all genres of music. However, around the world “k-pop” means primarily music made by idol groups and bands marketed for children, teenagers and younger people. In this post I use the latter definition, because that’s how most people understand “k-pop” in other countries. Therefore, my statements, opinions and conclusions here would concern only idol music.

The music industry in South Korea is heavily influenced by culture and traditions of the country, just like all things are. And there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, different backgrounds are what makes people so interesting and unique. However, when combined with consumer mindset, desire to generate profit at any cost and fast-paced nature of modern life these neutral cultural elements could produce something concerning, and it can lead to disastrous consequences.

1. Idol

These people are called artists, musicians, singers, bands, groups, performers. In South Korea and in Japan, however, people call them Idols or Stars. I’ve also seen Muses, Princes and Queens. Interesting, isn’t it? The terminology used to describe these musicians in South Korea is one of the key elements in this whole entertainment system. You’ll see why.

But who or what is an idol exactly? Let’s take a basic definition from Wikipedia.

“In the practice of religion, a cult image or devotional image is a human-made object that is venerated or worshipped for the deity, person, spirit or daemon ... that it embodies or represents. In several traditions, including the ancient religions of Egypt, Greece and Rome, and modern Hinduism, cult images in a temple may undergo a daily routine of being washed, dressed, and having food left for them. Processions outside the temple on special feast days are often a feature. Religious images cover a wider range of all types of images made with a religious purpose, subject, or connection. In many contexts "cult image" specifically means the most important image in a temple, kept in an inner space, as opposed to what may be many other images decorating the temple.

The term idol is often synonymous with worship cult image. In cultures where idolatry is not viewed negatively, the word idol is not generally seen as pejorative, such as in Indian English.”

Cambridge Dictionary defines idol as follows:

And here’s the definition from Oxford Dictionary:

This is a centrepiece of this tapestry. Surely, you have noticed by now what these definitions have in common.

Idol = a cult image of a god, a deity

By calling these musicians “idols” industry makes society and audience treat them in certain way, namely as gods. What characteristics do gods possess? They are beautiful, talented, funny, confident and graceful, blessed by eternal youth of immortality. Gods have no flaws, they do not bleed, they are above human concerns. They are an embodiment of perfection. They are stars, you could not reach.

But real people are not like that. They can be sad and angry, insecure. People don’t have perfectly symmetrical faces. They can’t dance in sync without preparation. They can’t sing like angels at any given moment throughout the day.

What happens when idols accidentally reveal their humanity? What happens when people see, that they make mistakes and do stupid things, that they need to train hard to appear graceful on stage?

I will tell you. And it’s not pretty. But, first, let’s look at other elements of this system.

2. Y/N and Self-insert fantasy

Aside from the music, K-pop sells the self-insert fantasy to the audience. It’s carefully arranged to appear real, where the cracks are masked and every word is scripted. The reality is so vivid that one doesn’t even have to use imagination all that much, because all scenarios and decorations already exist. Countless interviews for TV and magazines, fan meetings, talk shows, reality shows made sure people are privy to all juicy details of personal lives and opinions of musicians. And also one word - merchandise. Some of that merch made me question my life choices. Some of it is, ah, creepy or has weird vibes. All of this provides plenty of material for people to work with. Fans can effortlessly imagine themselves beside their idols or even in their place.

In a highly competitive society, where people throw themselves into studying and work since young age, forming deep and lasting connections with others is very hard, sometimes impossible. As a result, people long to have a group of close friends with similar interests, a loving partner who would cherish them endlessly. People want to be rewarded for their backbreaking efforts to succeed by the carefree life of fame and music, everlasting friendships and love. And in a way you can’t really blame them for his.

Does this dream life sound familiar? We are looking at K-pop bands here. It doesn’t really matter if their members don’t always get along or that they can live in debt, that fame is fickle and adoring fans can tear your self-confidence to shreds. Audience wants the glamour of fantasy and the industry is more than happy to cater to these desires.

Perhaps, knowing that even for idols this fantasy is sometimes unattainable makes the whole set up feel just a little cruel.

3. Fans, stans and fandom culture

We’ve already established earlier that idols are gods in the eyes of people and listed traits they must possess. So, what else do gods need to exist? Worshippers. Because a cult is worth nothing without its followers. Gods need a group of people to worship them and spread their beliefs. The role of worshippers is performed by a fans in this case.

Apparently, there is a running joke that girl groups need to win a general public popularity and boy bands need a big passionate fandom. It seems to be true according to my observations.

In k-pop fandom people use the word “stan” to state that they like or support particular group. Now, I am sure everyone here knows that in other fandoms, dedicated to movies, shows, books and games there’s an important distinction between being a “fan” and a “stan”. What is it?

A fan is someone who likes a ship or character, creates and/or consumes fandom content, supports certain ideas, discusses things they enjoyed and disliked, criticises canon. Stans, however, are a different breed. They engage in all typical fandom activities, but their support and enjoyment becomes obsession. Stans believe their favourite characters and ships are immune to criticism, that they are superior no matter what others say. Stans start shipping wars, send anon hate, death threats over fictional characters and hurt real people. Stans are considered toxic fans. And majority of normal civilised people don’t like them and try their best to let stans hang out in their echo chamber by themselves.

In other fandoms and communities, to be a fan means to love, support and enjoy something, while to stan means to obsess over and hyperfixate on these same things. Words “I stan” rarely mean “I support” for most people, and if they do mean that, it’s only used in a joking manner (”We stan procrastination legend!”, “I stan our miscommunication kings”).

Everywhere else “stan” has only negative connotations, except in k-pop. But what has changed? What’s the difference? Why do international fans scoff at “shipper stans” and then turn around calling themselves “stans of X k-pop group” at the same time? Does it make you wonder?

And this is another core theme of k-pop, in my opinion. In fandom where stan = obsession = support, you can see interesting patterns.

Fandom loves their flawless gods. But watching them from afar is not enough for some people, because unlike deities in different religions, these gods live among us. People are very much aware of that. Industry has created a cult and laid the groundwork for worshippers to express their adoration in every way including personal contact. And who wouldn’t want to meet their god? Who wouldn’t want to know more about them or tell them how much you love them? In talk shows and fan meetings there is only so much one can do after all.

People desire to know more, to have more so much that their obsession transforms into concerning stalker tendencies. These crazy individuals follow idols, stalk them on social media, in hotels, research flight numbers, bribe security. Musicians were attacked and poisoned. I strongly suspect there were cases of rape that no one knows about. There is even a special term for these fans - “sasaeng”.

Is there a definition for stalkers of actors or musicians in western world? No, I’m pretty sure there isn’t. They are just called “invasive/obsessive fans” or “stalkers”.

Also, there are sasaeng memes. Yeah, you heard that right. I enjoy some classy dark humour as much as the next person, but there is a fine line between normal and questionable.

Back to the topic of stalkers. Do you realise how disturbing that is? Such behaviour is so common that there is a term for it. You create a fandom-cult, encourage people to worship k-pop idols as gods and then act surprised when members of said cult become fanatics and their adoration becomes obsession.

And it’s so easy to step on this slippery road. The system makes it ridiculously easy. Lines begin to blur. How much is too much? Where do you draw the line?

While sasaeng fans engage in extreme real-life obsession, people online aren’t that far off, to be honest. I’ve seen it all: imagines, headcanons, fanfiction, real-person shipping, reactions. Real person shipping is a controversial topic. Some people support it, others don’t. I suppose I’m among those who don’t get it. I’m not exactly against it, but I find it strange. Mainly because it’s based on assumptions made by fans about personalities and behaviour of real people.

Assumptions. Dear me! K-pop fandom has this thing with video compilations. I’ve never seen this phenomenon being so widespread in any other community or fandom. Basically people edit together a collection of short clips from talk-shows, interviews, Instagram stories, some YouTube videos, etc and then proceed to analyse every gesture, word, facial expression of idols and provide both audio and on-screen commentary. These videos and many other forms of similar analysis allow people to imagine what kind of personalities idols have, what kind of life do they live. It’s the source material for fanfiction, imagines and headcanons.

But it’s not real. It’ll never be real. It’s an illusion, an image, a stage persona. They fall in love with a face and made up personality. And I think that when people create this content they can forget this. Fans can develop certain emotional dependence and unhealthy attitudes in the long run. In some YouTube comments even supportive and encouraging words sound whiny and obsessive. And semantics of being a “stan” of certain group or individual doesn’t help.

4. Industry, companies and liars

At last we arrive at the most important aspect of music entertainment industry - its creators.

Have you seen “The Road to El Dorado”? It’s one of my all time favourites. It has iconic characters, adult jokes that I didn’t get as a child and iconic soundtrack. I’ll quote “It’s Tough To Be A God” a lot here.

In South Korea music industry is a factory, the production line to be exact. This kind of set up affects everything in the grand scheme of things. Companies and agencies play the role of training centres and record labels. And there are so many of them that a whole new scamming system developed based around fake idol agencies. It implies that there are people who fall for offers of these agencies and continue to do so. I suspect that victims must pay a fortune upfront before they realise their mistake. Are there any kind of legal protection against such scams? How can people verify the authenticity? Because a well masked scam can exist for a long time before someone discovers it and calls them out on their nonsense.

As far as I understand legal companies work like this. After high school, which is often focused on performing arts (and private schools can get away with using talents of students for personal gain, which is totally not surprising), young people can audition for an agency and become an idol in training or idol-trainee. And passing audition is hard. But good recommendations can help, connections too.

During training you don’t get paid. Only a few companies pay aspiring musicians. People can spend years in training and don’t debut. But rent, necessities, clothing and food (not that you need much of it, but more on that later) cost a lot. Where do you get the money to live then? Support from parents, one or two part time jobs at most and bank loans. Surprise! We found an unexpected (just kidding, it’s very obvious) party, who reaps benefits from the system.

You need skill to be an idol. Natural talent helps too. The more skills you have, the cheaper and faster your training is. To level up your game you attend classes every month offered by your agency, which are not cheap (dance classes range from 400$ to 1000$ per month, sometimes more). There are four main categories in evaluation process: vocals, rapping, dancing and visuals. Idols are multitaskers, to have a chance on stage one must be perfect at everything. And people are ready to invest thousands of dollars into their kids training so that they could have a chance in entertainment industry. South Korea thrives on revenue k-pop industry generates every day.

Let’s pause here for a second and think about what kind of people come to these agencies. The answer is easy. People who have a dream, a desire, a real goal. You don’t wake up one day and decide to become a k-pop idol. Sometimes people get invited by agencies (after prior acting, modelling career or any other form of exposure). These people are usually very young. Some start straight after high school, some after university, but 25 years old is considered a late start. Compare that to western musicians who start singing at any age and still become famous.

But why this age limit? Because idols are eternally young. So that in public eye musicians are remembered as 20 year old gods. People would listen to their music and imagine a young attractive face. Career in k-pop is short, it lasts 5-7 years, rarely longer than that. It’s even less than modelling or acting can offer. And professional sportsmen retire in their late 30′s. Some play longer, but usually, that’s it.

If you live in Los Angeles and say that you want to be an actor or performer, no one would bat an eye. It’s like saying that you want to be an engineer or accountant. Similarly, in South Korea becoming an k-pop musician is a real career. Because part of the self insert fantasy that the industry sells is the idea that anyone can be an idol. It’s easy after all. Anyone can pass auditions and become a trainee. A trainee with no guarantee of debut. But one should never underestimate the power of idol-dream. After all, idea is the most resilient parasite.

“My friends started training in kindergarten. They have wanted to become idols since young”

“A lot of young kids get interested in Korean music”

A 6-year old child sees the performance of k-pop group for the first time on TV. Let’s say it’s a girl. She is enraptured and decides that she will be like that too someday. She grows up, while being part of the fandom, just like all idols are in one way or another and whose fan-obsession transforms into desire to succeed. Her parents spend time and money to find her tutors, to fund dancing and singing classes. Perhaps in high school this girl decides to fix the shape of her eyes and make nose straighter. She trains hard and passes the auditions in her dream agency. And during training this girl faces the reality of behind the scenes life in music industry.

“Why are you crying? I’m not even pushing you”

“How many times have I told you? The rest are doing it perfectly”

“She is dancing like an elementary school student“

“I watched your performance as a spectator who bought a ticket to your concert. I want a refund“

“You make my ears hurt. I don’t want to listen at all”

“Listening to you was tiring”

“I’ll kick you out instead. You won’t debut”

“I thought I was going to die. That’s how determined I was”

While I do understand that keeping a high quality standards in media industry is important, there are more productive and healthy ways to motivate someone to improve and be more passionate, you know? Constantly insulting people with sadistic glee and putting them down at every opportunity or calling them ugly to their face doesn’t do much.

Do you think that children know about this? Do they know about soulless teachers and belittling managers? Do they know about friends who are really your competition, so you shouldn’t get attached? Do they know about living in debt? Do they know any of this? No, I don’t think they do.

Children dream about the stage, about the sea of lights and crowds who chant your names. They want adoring fans and photoshoots. They want to appear on TV and magazine covers. Teenagers want the thrill of performance, they want to share their music and dancing with others.

“I don’t know how many times I cried alone”

The truth is cruel. But they won’t give up easily even if it means sleeping 4-5 hours and consuming no more than 500 calories per day. Because giving up means that your whole life was a lie. One can’t afford not to be good enough. Giving up means admitting that all efforts and money your family invested into your dream were in vain. It means losing face before your family and friends - a fate worse than death. Imagine living this idol dream and building your whole future around it and then being told that you’ll never debut because of the circumstances outside of your control or something minor, like face shape or 1 kg of weight that your body refuses to lose. It can break you. Especially if you are like 18 or something.

5. “And who am I to bridle if I'm forced to be an idol If they say that I'm a God, that's what I am”

“I don’t think there’s anything a tough as being a trainee in Korea”

Once you are a trainee at the agency your personal life does not belong to you anymore. You can’t go out without permission of the agency. You phone is taken away. Your diet and weight are monitored. Bad habits are not allowed (no smoking, drinking or drugs). Oh! I think I found the good thing in the system! Unfortunately, it won’t last. Trainees can’t date or meet with family without permission of agency. Dating is very taboo. Even established idols can’t openly date.

Why is that? Because gods can’t belong to anyone. Their lives are property of the fandom. Because openly dating idols destroy the self-insert fantasy. There was a former idol girl who dated another musician. She was called a whore by her fans, her loving and adoring stans. You might know who I am talking about. Would you call an American actor or singer a prostitute for dating someone?

Trainees sign the contract. And how can a young person straight out of school or university know much about what makes a good contract in entertainment industry or what makes a good contract in general? Even if you do understand the terms fully you would still sign it because if you have come so far, you can’t let your dream slip this easily. There isn’t a choice. Not really. If you want to debut, you will agree to anything.

What about life after debut? You have to pay off your loans. And company takes 60-70% of your group’s earnings. Artists themselves get 30-40% and split it between themselves. K-pop groups have from 5 to 10 members or more than that. Each person gets less than 6%. Idols are not filthy rich. They are not. These earnings are practically nothing compared to the work you have put into this.

Idols are musicians, who often don’t even write their own songs, music or create choreography. But if public doesn’t like the song and musical number the company created, they blame idols for the failure. Such an amazing logic we see right here. But people say that sharing music is the best part of idol life. But whose music?

Models on catwalk are not there to demonstrate their physical beauty, they are blank canvas for works of clothing designers. Same with k-pop musicians. They act like puppets in a way, whose faces and voices are used to show audience someone’s music and songs. Some groups do write their own music and lyrics and it’s nice to know that. But those, who don’t are rather unfortunate. It’s a nice tool of psychological control and pressure for an agency. They can hold it over group and use the following rhetoric: “We gave you everything! Why can’t you follow the simple instructions” or “Where would you be without us? It’s not even your music!”

I called k-pop industry a factory. That’s true. Dozens of people become trainees every year. These talented young people are fully prepared to do anything to achieve their goal. They are ready to practice until they collapse, starve themselves and pour themselves into every song. Companies know that. Tell me why would they value their idols as individuals, as people, as human beings if they always have a replacement? Why bother with mental health of their artists if next year they could have a fresh set of people, who are younger and prettier? Why try to improve relationships inside groups if you could fire any member and replace them within a month or two?

In western countries famous bands have different stories. Some were friends since high school, who played in bars and during festivals and then they were noticed by some representative of label company, who offered them a contract. Some groups were formed by like-minded people who bonded and decided to share their music with the world. There are many stories, but ultimately the have one thing in common. Bands in the West often form themselves. These people had time to bond, connect, discover each other, solve some disagreements and learn to work around their differences.

K-pop groups are formed by their agencies. They are their property in a way. Company selects the best and puts together these total strangers, appoints the leader with marketable face and personality and then expects them to work together like a well-oiled machine. No one has time to bond during training, because other people are you competition, not friends. And then you must learn to work as a team and be best friends on camera for the audience to support the self-insert fantasy. It’s no wonder that k-pop groups don’t get along sometimes. And every member knows that they are replaceable. It doesn’t help in forming connections. Groups can’t just terminate contract and go to work with another agency. I heard it happens sometimes, but it’s not a done thing. Unlike in other countries where bands just sign the deal with a different label and release their music under their name if they don’t like the old conditions.

“It's tough to be a God But if you get the people's nod Count your blessings, keep them sweet, that's our advice Be a symbol of perfection Be a legend, be a cult Take their praise, take a collection As the multitudes exalt Don a supernatural habit We'd be crazy not to grab it So sign up two new Gods for paradise”

But is it really a paradise?

Idols are expected to act cute, to match personalities created for them by fans or media. They have to act according to the concept of their group. They have to be a symbol of perfection: skinny, single and with a face perfected by surgery. They are allowed to mess up, but only in a cute way. They can break down and cry, but only if it’s “aesthetic”.

Weight issues are a separate topic. Sometimes I wonder whether managers in companies understand how weight loss or human body in general works. To be honest, I think that scales in agencies are rigged. And only managers know that. I know it can be done from personal experience. Some beach resorts tweak their scales and make them show 4-6 kg less than actual weight, so people wouldn’t get upset if they gain some. There is no way a girl as tall as I am (173 cm) could weigh like 47-50 kg and be able to perform complex choreography on stage and sing without being out of breath, visit the gym on a regular basis and generally function as a normal human without fainting every other day.

“I developed a lot of eating disorders”

“I think I consumed about 300 calories today“

“Someone, please, trim the fat off her arms”

If you grow up thinking of idols as gods and then, when you become one of them you think that you must act as one too. But being an easily replaceable god is a heavy burden. The industry, companies and audience want you to be perfect, to always be on your best behaviour. And the thought of not being good enough or divine enough terrifies you, because stans have no mercy (black ocean concept is the most stupid thing ever by the way). This kind of pressure can destroy even the most resilient. And it does.

Almost everyone knows that situation with mental health in South Korea is not the best to put it lightly. In many ways it’s a cultural thing. But in k-pop mental health issues are treated with even less care. Gods are not supposed to be depressed or suicidal. They are not supposed to have fears or insecurities, can’t be upset or angry. They try hard to be this deity, this image. So, even when they realise they need professional help or even a friend to talk to, they either won’t seek said help or reach out only to be met with silence. Some agencies disapprove or forbid therapy altogether.

Sometimes fandom becomes self-aware.

“Don’t forget that idols are people too!”

“Your favourite idols are running out of breath just to keep you entertained“

“They are humans, who have feelings!”

Oh, but here’s the thing, my friend. The industry doesn’t want you to think of them as people. Companies and media repeatedly reinforce the idea that they are not people, they are your idols. And strangely enough, the audience supports this idea. People continue to call them idols, developing worshiping tendencies in the process, imitate them, scrutinise their flaws and triumphs. Because, you know, only “real and ordinary humans” can have flaws, not “idols”.

So people who say “they are human too” and people who say “wow, this concert was amazing, but vocals in the beginning were so off-key, I simply can’t” are one and the same.

This thought process would have been funny if it wasn’t so disappointing. But that’s just my observation.

And here’s another thing about sexualisation. I said before how appearances are everything, marketable face and body could drastically improve your chances to succeed. Companies know about this too and concepts and aesthetics of groups are designed accordingly. Girls are dressed in skimpy outfits, their dances are unnecessary suggestive, they wear heavy make up and try to have “mature” vibes. Boys don’t avoid such objectification either: suits, tight pants and dress shirts along with make up and hairstyle to give audience a promise of the things to come. Grown adults are not supposed to lust after 15-17 year olds. You can’t just create a sexy stage persona for teenagers. Do you remember my earlier words about creepy merch? Yeah. All of it neatly plays into the self-insert fantasy and encourages obsessive behaviour.

This happens in western countries too. In some way that’s understandable. Beautiful and sexy image with a hint of innocence attracts more people and sells, because it caters to one of the base human instincts. But some things make your skin crawl.

Sponsorships are another topic. Some k-pop bands seek out sponsors to provide financial aid and cover expenses, when earnings are not enough. Sometimes these sponsorships are fine, perfectly civil. But sometimes it’s a prostitution. Girl groups receive money and provide sexual favours to their patrons. It’s a way for the group to gain financial support and even find new opportunities in the industry. Companies can encourage such deals. Let that sink in for a moment.

6. “Any advice to those who want to become a k-pop idol?”

A lot of former idols and trainees have similar responses to this question.

“I don’t want to discourage anyone, but think twice”

“You only see the glamorous side, but don’t see all the hard work that goes into it”

“It’s not what you think”

“They think ‘Since I am good looking and can sing and dance really well, maybe I should become an idol?’, but there is much more to it“

“They think it’s something that is easy and will keep their family set for life financially”

And this implies that most people don’t know what kind of lifestyle k-pop stars truly have, despite the amount of information available online about “behind the scenes” proceedings.

7. Moving on

I am a practical person and every decision I make is subjected to scrutiny. And after seeing everything I can't help but wonder whether idols believe it's truly worth it. What keeps the industry alive is the idol-dream, the wilful ignorance of its reality and youthful idealism, the beautiful naïve belief that it'll get better, even if it never does in the end.

Sure no one would ever admit it out loud, because it's one of those things you never say on camera, no matter how sincere you have to be. It's the matter of professionalism after all, and idols have it spades. And also, because admitting this would equal admitting that you spent your best years doing something you both loved and hated, admitting that this was a mistake.

When you grow up in a society where appearances matter the most, where saving face and being polite is more important than staying true to yourself, where individuality is tolerated only to a certain point, it takes a lot of courage to admit that you need a break. I greatly respect those who decided that idol lifestyle is not for them and moved on.

8. Conclusion

To sum up, I hope you enjoyed my small research and this perspective, since you have read it all the way to the end.

You have noticed that entertainment industry is an intricate system and its every component makes sure nothing changes. Companies have power over idols and audience, fandom has power over idols and their careers, and musicians themselves have fame and their music, but not always the promised fortune or happiness.

It’s important to understand the big picture to draw your own conclusions and encourage positive and heathy attitudes in fandoms. Being open minded and allowing people to make mistakes and live their lives the way they want to is a part of being a decent person. People don’t owe anything to others. Art is about sharing your thoughts and feelings, promoting ideas and spreading beauty. It’s not always about money. And I think that this is what k-pop lacks as an industry. It turned dreams and human need for self-expression into business. Here everything is turned into a product. Everything idols touch can be sold, sometimes literally. Industry created problems, which can’t be solved anymore, because doing so would topple the system. And I find it tragic. Trapped in an endless chase after perfection creators of k-pop forgot that beauty lies in the eye of the beholder.

If you take a look at comment sections and posts on different platforms, what will you see? What kind of things resonate with audience? What makes people laugh and cry? When people start to appreciate the substance?

“Everyone needs to hear this song in their darkest moments”

“Thank you for your music!”

“They always deliver! These guys can’t make a bad song!”

“It inspired me to write again!”

“Their songs brought me and my sister together once again”

“This is what happens when you let groups write their own music - they make incredible things”

“They really are legends of k-pop! I love that they are not afraid to show their inner strength”

“Stay strong! You rock!”

I believe that the answer is quite simple: when it’s real, sincere. It’s all about the message you choose to send to your audience, because only superficial things cause obsession. When you say that the sparkly façade is all that matters, then that’s the only thing people will ever care about. Your audience will never give a damn about the meaning behind dancing, music or lyrics, if you tell them that performance is more important. No one would praise WHAT k-pop idols sing, instead they would prefer wasting breath to criticize HOW they sing or look or move.

I dare the k-pop industry to prove people that it’s not just about looks or perfection, or laser shows, or being a branding machine. Prove to your fans that k-pop artists are also passionate people with big dreams and talent, who love every moment of their job, who live and inspire, who are human just like us and whose humanity is real!

Do it, you cowards!

And now, I’m finished. I can hear the raging crowd of k-pop fandom in the distance, which means it’s time to hide. See you some other time!

#k-pop #korean music #k-rock #k-pop idol #k-pop meta #k-pop discussion #k-pop fandom criticism

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theoi-crow · 5 years

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how to talk with the gods?

Hi,

Talking to the gods is easy!

Just think of the god you want to communicate with to get their attention. Think anything towards them and that’s it, you have spoken to a god. (Some people prefer speaking out loud so they can be in better control of what they are saying to that god. I do this on specific days when my ADHD is particularly bad.)

Getting a reply is a little trickier:

Before I list all the ways I communicate with the gods, I just want to be clear on the fact that it took me years to recognize signs, symbols and energy of the gods who were talking to me. It took me a lot of energy work, practice and trust.

There is a video by the amazing @thepastelpriestess that talks about god communication and the tumblr problem of expecting an immediate clear sign from the gods (LINK)

From a personal point of view, the gods are not clear. It takes me a combination of the methods listed below to piece together the full message. Gods aren’t loud or obvious. Their messages will sometimes look like a beautiful day or a tastier meal. Here is a great post by @stygiantarot that encompasses this (LINK)

When I was starting off, I was NOT able to hear, see or feel the gods for years. Ares was the ancient spartan soldier I had befriended as a little kid but I thought I had made him up. I don’t count this because as soon as I started questioning the existence of Santa Claus, I began to lose communication with Ares as well. I lost all contact with him after learning he was the god of war and refused to be with him when I was first learning about Wicca a little after turning 12 (I no longer do Wicca and work with Ares again after apologizing because he is more than just a dumb bad reputation (LINK).

Still, my connection with the gods has never been the same and is still not as clear as when I was little. A lot of witches wonder why they were more in tune when they were children versus now originally posted by @left-hand-path-notes (LINK).

Its normal to not be able to feel the gods at first, you are learning to sense them and their preferred methods of communication!

This is going to take time, maybe even years but don’t get discouraged: You wouldn’t be upset with yourself for not knowing EVERY single thing about a person you just met right?

The gods are the same, you are getting to know them.

The number one thing people want is direct communication and direct answers with the gods. They focus so much on this that they will accidently ignore every other method the gods might be using to communicate with them.

There are Sooooo many ways the gods reply.

I combine all of these methods to get an overall feel of what the god is telling me.

-Sudden thought: Physically hearing a god is SO RARE! (I have yet to experience this for myself). You could suddenly get a mental thought that may or may not sound like your own inner voice, but the message falls in line with what you need.

Many people don’t like this method because they don’t trust their mind. They think their brain is playing tricks on them. This gets trickier when the person is a perfectionist, suffers from anxiety, depression or anything else that makes them question their thoughts. This is when faith comes into play because the truth is, there is no sure way to know if it’s a god or not, you just have to trust it is.

Example:

Me *thinks*: Apollo, I’m bored.

Immediate thought reply: Practice drawing. (Note: sometimes it’s not as instant and may pop out of nowhere as you go about your day)

WARNING!!!: If the thoughts are emotionally abusive, it is NOT a god! The Gods are immortal and know your time here is VERY limited by comparison. They would never waste your time by pointlessly tormenting you. They have been around for thousands of years and have seen much much worst. The messages they give might be strict but they are always constructive and loving. If the perceived negative comment does not leave you with room for growth (for example “You are still learning” VS “You are so stupid”) that is not a god talking, it is a pre-recorded trauma from your past messing with your head.

-Mental Images/Inspired Action: Sometimes gods don’t use words and rely on images instead or the desire to take physical action. The gods use this method a lot for me more because I am more of a visual and action oriented person. Our interaction may look a little something like this:

Example: Me: Apollo, I’m bored. *Gets a mental image of myself drawing or gets sudden urge to draw.*

-Signs: Signs are the reason I always recommend people research and take in anything and everything that has to do with that god. Their favorite color, their favorite gods (the ones they bond with the most) their mythical children, their legends, etc. Don’t rely solely on the shallow knowledge everyone knows about that god because they may be sending you things that are more specific than their basic information.

The gods will also use regular signs that pull you in. Signs you may have never really payed attention to but suddenly jump out at you.

Example: This happened to me earlier this year. I was thinking about a project I had promised the gods that is near and dear to my heart. This project was time consuming and while the gods are excited, at the time, I worried I would never finish it. I considered dropping it completely until a sign stopped me in my tracks. It read: “If not you, who?” Here is the sign (LINK) I felt like that sign had been placed there specifically for me even though I had passed by it every day without paying too much attention to it.

-Coincidences/Synchronicity: Sometimes its a string of “coincidences.” A word every person you keep bumping into is saying or something you didn’t notice before and now see everywhere. Things that create a domino effect, etc.

Example: When I first started talking to my significant other, a butterfly would pass by them EVERY time they were on the phone with me. These weren’t always real butterflies, sometimes they were pictures on the wall, tattoos or a word that would pop out of nowhere, but they caught my S.O’s attention every time we were on the phone together. They would tell me about the butterflies without realizing I had a psychic reading telling me to “follow the butterflies” to find my soulmate.

-Other people: Some of the ways the gods will talk to me is through other people. I will suddenly feel the urge to call my spouse and they’ll be like “you should draw.” Sometimes I bump into a stranger who repeats things my gods have previously said. There have been Tumblr users on here who have made me cry without realizing how much I needed to read the beautiful messages/posts they had sent me or posted on their blog. Messages that sound or feel how the gods sound/feel to me. Or a show whose character gives an inspiring speech I needed to hear. The divine is everywhere.

-Feelings/Tastes/Smells: Sometimes it’s a nagging feeling, a sudden craving or a sensation. Getting a sense of what they are telling you or feeling like you are being hugged. I will feel tingles randomly happen combined with a mental image of the god. I have a specific perfume on Aphrodite’s altar that I will smell when I am out in public while wearing a completely different perfume. Sometimes the taste of honey randomly appears on my palate and know a god is trying to get my attention.

-Tarot/Pendulum, etc: These methods are the most popular because they take the frustration out of guessing.The methods above require faith and trust but tarot, pendulums, etc. cut to the chase and give information that is easier to understand. These methods also help you get used to identifying the energy of the god you are contacting. I highly recommend them for people who are just starting a new relationship with a god. You can buy a deck for under $10-11 (LINK) (Note: some of them have gotten cheeper and some have gotten more expensive since @hellboundwitch made this post.) or you can make your own deck from scratch (even by just cutting 78 pieces of paper and labeling them).

I hope this helps!

May your god communications be clear and concise.

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officialmaleclibrary · 7 years

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This month we’re showcasing an author in the fandom who has written popular works such as Quite magical and A promise of forever. Pat is on ao3 as WendigoBaby and on tumblr as @maghnvsbane, and we’d like to thank her once again for taking part in the OML author showcase!

1. When did you start writing fics? Tell us a little of your journey as a fic writer.

I believe I was 13 when I wrote my first ever piece of fiction (a really bad story about a lady assassin able to turn into a panther, don’t even ask) and it snowballed from there. For two or three years I used to do fics for this French cartoon called Code Lyoko, before moving to original stuff - it was a great exercise for keeping personalities and plot consistent, while also dabbling in character design. Then forth came Shadowhunters and I fell so hard for this show, that I’ve been stuck writing for it almost exclusively since the end of season one, with a small phase dedicated to The Raven Cycle.

2. What fic of yours are you most proud of and why?

My Simple blessings piece holds a special place in my heart, as I’ve poured a lot of emotion into it; the relief related to being able to love and be loved in return, the joy of domesticity and the intrinsic beauty of the world (or maybe I just love waxing poetic). The other one I’m proud of from a more practical standpoint is fire & gasoline; describing fighting is always a bit of a challenge, because you have to imagine all of the movements and stitch them all together into something that flows and reads comfortably, allowing the reader to imagine it all in their head. With that fic I feel like managed that quite decently and I'm proud of it.

3. Who is your favorite character to write and why? Which character do you find the most challenging to write?

My favourite is definitely Alec, since I relate to him in many aspects, both life and personality-wise: we’re both perfectionists, a little closed off and wary of newcomers, but tender and with a lot of love to give beneath a hard shell. Also we both love Magnus Bane, so there’s that. On the other hand, I feel like Simon is the most challenging one and it may be a strange answer, but his kindness and his specific kind of rambling, pop culture-related humour is hard to capture for someone more quiet like me.

4. What is the hardest part about being a fic author? The easiest?

Starting the fic and then bringing it to the finish line, definitely - the longer I work on a piece, the more doubts I get whether the idea is even worth the effort. Probably because the more I read over the same sentences, the more predictable they get and start to feel like boring writing, even when it’s only in my own head. I also get distracted fairly frequently by new concepts, which ends with me surrounded by half-finished fics that gather dust on my desktop. The easiest? Getting an idea - inspiration comes from anywhere and with time I start to hoard these little thoughts that one day may be born into full blown pieces - sometimes all it takes is half a sentence heard in a grocery store two aisles over.

5. What inspires you? Where do you find your muse?

Anywhere and everywhere, but most often from songs and aesthetic pictures I come across on tumblr. Other than that, it's movies, tv shows, video games, real-life conversations or even random things I dreamed about (although those tend to get a little strange and I don’t think should be turned into fanfiction).

6. How do you power through writer’s block?

I cry. No, to be honest, I just try to keep going. I write the most awful, kitschy sentences imagined and yell (complain and whine, more like) about them to my friends until it gets easier and my creativity flows again. If that doesn’t work, then I let myself take a day off, go outside, do something with my family or friends, or just start something new because pushing too hard for will just make everything worse. Consuming new media also helps - going to the cinema, reading poetry or books, listening to music you'd never think you'd enjoy, anything to widen the horizon of your imagination and get yourself out of your comfort zone.

7. Do you have a favorite fic from another author?

Oh gosh, so many! Some Kind of Wonderful by magnusragnor/@magnusragnor (the best lifeguard au i’ve read ever, well-paced and characterized, I fell in love immediately and it’s one of the first fics that comes to my mind when someone asks for recommendations), and my heart is set on you, plus all of the single parent aus by @lightwoodlesbians /ohprongs (Charley has one of the most incredible styles with great natural humour and in-character writing; she is also one of the only people who can make me like children in fics), hold on to me (cause i’m a little unsteady) by ceciwrites/@daddariossmile (this just stuck with me, the soft way they interact, the whole concept of skating the way it’s used here, 10/10) and Appassionato by Chonideno (this moved me on a deeper level, the love of music included in this, passion written into every word, the original take on the concept of a first meeting, I love it all).

8. What’s something you’re looking forward to in season three of Shadowhunters?

As for Magnus and Alec, I’d love to see them have more conversations about the differences between them without death in the form of Valentine looming over their heads, as well as more casual intimacy and domesticity (hand holding, hello kisses, more hugs, a training scene, I’ll take anything). We’ve got a taste of Battle Couple, which I hope is just an introduction to more great scenes with them as a team. In general, I’m looking forward to Luke’s conflict with nosy Ollie (plus his hot date with Maryse) and more backstory on our favorite Downworlders - Simon and how he’ll get out of the Seelie Queen’s grasp, Maia’s and Bat’s growing connection. I miss this show already, I want to know everything!

9. Can you give us a sneak peek to what you’re writing next? Or at least any hints to what’s to come?

I tend to jump between ideas quite a lot and I like keeping them under wraps, so no sneak peeks from me! But as I’m looking at my to-write list, I can tell you to expect more domesticity, more canon fics with a sprinkle of aus and/or meet-cutes. The one I’m working on right now involves immortal husbands, pretty countrysides and a title inspired by one specific French song, maybe you can even guess which one it is?

10. Do you have advice for anyone who might be interested in writing fan fiction?

First - don't be afraid to start and second - keep going even if you don't feel like it. Writing good fan fiction takes a lot of trial and error as well as practice. My first fics were all around awkwardly written and as I continued with different ideas, I did get better. When it comes to finding the right balance for characters, it's good to read well-characterized fic from other writers plus meta posts as those tend to give an explained look into the character's personality. And if you're not sure about something, don't hesitate to ask others, just don't give up.

11. Does having English as a second language challenge you as a writer?

In some ways, yes. Although since I’ve been using English for about sixteen years of my life, it’s become almost like an extension of my thoughts. That doesn’t mean I don’t get things wrong, because I do, mostly in the department of grammar (all those pesky rules). Some words or expressions don’t translate well (or even don’t exist) in both languages, so as someone bilingual I have to maneuver my way around those obstacles either by looking through a thesaurus or a dictionary (I always have those two open when I write). Yet, beside grammatical nuances, strange expressions that make no sense when translated from Polish, and confusing words, the worst thing about being bilingual is forgetting the word I want to use in both languages at once. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy!

#author showcase #malec fic #malec #shadowhunters #maghnvsbane

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/4559-2/

Dropping Judgment

What you seek is what you are. When you experience any sort of seeking/lacking feeling, we invite you to pause and to turn your awareness, your focus, to Home. Home is All. Home is abundance. When you rest in that abundance, you are at Home. The seeking feeling, or any feeling of lack, is your invitation Home. Nothing phenomenal, nothing happening during your day, is more important than answering this invitation when you receive it.

What you seek is what everyone else is, too. This means that not a single one can interfere in the return of your awareness to Home, to inner peace. They are your invitation. When judgments–positive or negative–about single others or groups of others arise, they are blocking the very simple, ever-present awareness, available to you at all times, that the “others” are always your equals in presence and joy. You are their equals. Judgment would sort what you seem to see into positive and negative, superior and inferior. Joy simply guides you without judgment.

We encourage you to look right through the facets of the story to allow what you are to shine into it. When you are looking directly at the facets of the story as if they had reality and then judging them, empowering them, you are missing the true power that all share. The true power that all share–what can shine right into the story–is harmony. When you allow what you are to shine right into the story, you allow what all others are to shine into the story. As this realization dawns on you, it can feel like a passivity, like a sitting back. There are many seasons in your return to full awareness of what you are. This is just one of them and does not require your judgment. Allow it to be as it is, and you will allow all things to be as they are.

When you judge the seemingly separate aspects of the story you are experiencing, you block what you are from shining through it. You are the only one who can block the abundance of What Is. You’re the only one who can block happiness in your experience. No seeming other can do this against your will. This ability you have to block–to live in fantasyland–will eventually be seen as useless and will be dropped easily and naturally.

When you think you must bring into being a specific story aspect, you give reality to the story instead of allowing what you are to guide it. You can tell when you are overvaluing story aspects by the feeling of tension. This feeling of tension is never, ever caused by another, although an analysis of the story would point you straight to that conclusion. Whenever any tension arises, you are overvaluing and judging an aspect of the story you are living. Ask for help. Ask to see truly, and you won’t get stuck in a blame that takes your power away. If you blame, you are granting power to something that doesn’t exist. Instead of blame, we suggest that you remember this: Being is Loving And Mild Eternally

When you are in blame, it appears that your focus is on judging others, but in reality, you are placing your focus on them to avoid the pain of facing how you judge yourself. Remembering the truth of your shared being brings you out of the harshness, into the softness that allows you to see the situation with love and gratitude. What you are is ease. This means that everyone is that same ease. If you are not seeing it, you can invite it. You can invite it by laying down your arms, which are judgments. Judgments are decisions about nothingness. They are attempts to give nothingness reality. Since you cannot make nothing Real, no matter how hard you try, judgments will never bring happiness. Judgments block happiness. Drop the judgments, and there is nothing but ease left. When you abide in ease, inspiration shows you the way.

We thank you for listening. We thank you for your willingness to see what all share, always. We invite you to remember what is shared, so you can drop what looks separate.

FCGCT Commentary: We are moving from the mind, to the Heart… not the balancing of the two. The brain acts as a conduit while the heart processes. The mind conflicts with the Heart, and is the cause for imbalance, pain, fear, suffering and more. The mind… the ego, blocks the Heart, as it Edges God Out. Let go of the mind, and solely flow from the Heart, connected to the Unified Heart in Unity Consciousness. Let go of wants and needs and move toward a paradigm grateful receiving. We are moving into a paradigm of passion for co-creation in love everywhere present. Desires are EGO traits, true passion is expanding love into creation with pure intent and creation of New Earth energy. Passion must be in aligned intention of new earth = heart. Change must be embraced, accepted, and allowed, as LOVE is the only frequency that will move forward. Change is positive and with it comes expansion. Allow change and embrace the energies pouring out from Mother of all Creation.

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byjillianmaria · 7 years

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WIP Tag

I was tagged by @kira-desomma :) I don’t think I’ve done this one before. And if I have ...? Well, I’m always here to talk about my WIPs, lol. There’s three of them rn!

Songbird

Status: Writing the second draft

Inspiration: The song Dark Woods Circus (and a fanfic I wrote on said song).

Count: The fanfic topped out at around ~47k. The first draft was around ~52k. And the second draft is currently at ~25k, but my target is ~70k.

Genre: Thriller/Suspense. Has some horror elements. Young Adult.

Blurb: Elizabeth Brighton couldn't have known.

When she accepted the flier and an invitation to a mysterious show from the dazzling woman who offered it to her, she didn't know what it would be about or even how much it would cost. She certainly didn't know that it would wind up being a front for an immortal, sadistic witch known only as The Mistress with a penchant for kidnapping unsuspecting women. And she certainly couldn't know that she had been selected as the witch's next victim. Now locked in a birdcage, cursed to grow feathers that slowly suck the life out of her, and forced to sing for an unknowing audience every night, it looks like Elizabeth is helpless and hopeless, doomed to die before she ever gets a chance to turn 18.

But maybe things aren't so hopeless after all. There are things Elizabeth can't explain, things that the Mistress either doesn't know or doesn't care about. Things like the enigmatic words of the fortune teller. The kind but meek contortionist. Thoughts that seem to come from someone else. The strange dreams of another woman's life, of being in love with a beautiful woman named Alice. Will any of these things shed light on the Mistress's plot? And more importantly, will knowing make any difference?

Tag: project: songbird

Background: I probably never would have started on this project if it weren’t for a friend loving the fanfic version of it so fiercely, I thought that it might just be worth fleshing out into a novel.

Reversed Star

Status: Getting ready to publish in October

Inspiration: Saga was a big motivator for us in the early days! But we draw a little inspiration from everywhere. Some of the plot elements (specifically Evangeline’s kidnapping) were actually drawn from an old, unfinished Nano project of mine!

Count: Getting the word count for the scripts isn’t exactly easy ...

Genre: Scifi! And I guess you could classify the age range as New Adult?

Blurb: Everything in the galaxy begins somewhere.

For Evangeline and Icaruss, the story begins on their 21st birthday. That’s when Evangeline Dumont, heiress and only child of famed scientist Roman Dumont, is kidnapped. And that’s when Icaruss, a poor alien/human hybrid, starts having dreams from her point of view. Convinced that he’s the only one who can rescue her, he convinces his twin sister Thara to make him a spaceship. Accompanied by family friend Greta and Fitzy, his robot, he takes off on an epic adventure across the galaxy. But Evangeline, who has no idea he exists, isn’t waiting to be saved. Instead, she’s doing her best to learn more about the mysterious radicals who are holding her hostage, and how to best escape them.

This story follows both Evangeline and Icaruss as their stories bring them closer together. And closer to an intergalactic war that neither of them could have predicted …

(Yikes!! I need to update this blurb.)

Tag: It has a whole separate blog!! (Which you should follow. It posts rad art.)

Background: Kelli and I have been friends since we were 15, and talking about making a comic together for about that long. However, Reversed Star is the first one that looks like it has a chance of actually, well, happening. And a lot of that is because of the lovely people who show support and interest in it, so, thank you!! We started working on it shortly after graduating college, and it has been a great way for us to continue to stretch our creative muscles as we go into our respective careers.

The Fair Folk

Status: To be worked on seriously after

Inspiration: Tumblr posts about faeries. It also has a little True Blood in there (even though — full disclosure — I’ve only watched a couple episodes), with the whole “alternate-universe-where-people-know-vampires-exist” thing, except replace “vampires” with “faeries, merfolk, werewolves, ghosts, etc.” And vampires actually are extinct XD

Count: Uhh, just a couple thousand words and a metric fuckton of world building.

Genre: Fantasy! With some Adventure elements. It’s New Adult.

Blurb: Massachusetts isn’t exactly known for being welcoming to supernatural beings.

When a young woman in Wylant, Massachusetts named Rose Armont goes missing, however, the Supernatural Bureau of Investigations thinks that the case is in their jurisdiction — or, at least, that’s what resident Katrina Chase finds out from the faerie sent to investigate. And when she sees the mysterious creature that might have taken Rose, she becomes wrapped up in the investigation — and becomes closer to Oren, the faerie sent to work the case, and his world.

As the investigation grows to involve Oren’s sister Meri and Katrina’s werewolf roommate, Renee, it quickly becomes clear that the case is about far more than just Rose or even just Wylant. But how? Why are the girls involved? And what does the witch who lives on the outskirts of Wylant, the one that everyone but Katrina dismisses … What does she know?

Tag: project: the fair folk

Background: The Fair Folk is a super fun project because it has a lot of world-building involved. It also has a pretty neat cast of characters who actually get to go out and do something in lots of settings, which makes me look at it enviously from the mountain of pages of Songbird, where Elizabeth is confined to one area lol.

#tag game

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sunshinemiranda · 7 years

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King of the Lost Boys - Anthony Ramos x Reader (Chapter 3)

Summary: There are some new encounters with the other members of the Lost Boys, as well as an introduction to the local villainous gang. Noses are broken.

Warnings: Quite a bit of swearing, blood and bruising mention.

Words: 7,176 (can you tell that i’ve just stopped trying)

A/N: It’s really late where I am but I’m so excited for this?? What the heck. Anyway, just a little reminder that @alexanderhamllton and I have made matching aesthetics and playlists for the Lost Boys...coming soon to a tumblr near you...anyway, enjoy. Tags: @daveedsbra @myself-and-the-madman @clamilton @robotic-space @attackonmikaelson @pearltheartist @itsjaynebird

askbox | masterlist

The Pirates were a venomous crew of reptilian proportions, who didn’t play by the rules. They were of the privileged class, people who didn’t bother to think about their repercussions or the damage caused. Boredom is their motivation. Lives where everything is given to you, where money is not an issue, are lives that are awfully mundane. With a craving for possibility and the fire of resources at their fingertips, the Pirates seem to think themselves wonderfully immortal. They are the good ones gone wrong, a budding flower bitten at the stem by a poison with no antidote. In their blind want for something of substance, they chose to take as a method of getting what they want, but do not need. The local gas station cowers after a history of hold-ups. The department stores have lists of clients who are not allowed in; the Pirates are at the top.

They terrorize, gracelessly and unregretfully. Their constant search for distraction ended when they were met with a sort of resistance: the Lost Boys. There is an animosity between the two groups, older than the public can even remember. The Pirates all wear letterman’s jackets, not unlike the leather that graces the shoulders of Lost Boys. The back is illustrated with two symbols: a ship cutting through the waves, and a jolly roger flag. It is altogether a childish drawing, but it is somehow realized as something new and ultimately frightening on the backs of delinquents.

Jasmine Cephas Jones, known oddly as Smee is a cold, regal woman with a glint in her eyes that makes steel knives appear dull. She is second in command, but heaven help you if she ever decides to come after you. Do not reduce her to a second best of any sort. Dark hair, black as obsidian, is always tucked into a neat braid that curves over her shoulder. Jasmine is the subject of endless legend. It is said that she is the one pulling the strings behind the corrupt group, and her aloofness has done nothing to put those rumours to rest. Of all the whispers about her, the speculations that she carries a knife constantly, the fear that she has a history of arrest and delinquency, the one thing about Jasmine that cannot be argued as untrue, is the story of her manipulating touch. To tell that, however, we must address the leader first.

Hook, or James Oleander, is head of The Pirates. His notorious nickname stems from the silver hook that dangles from a chain around his neck. It seems to be important to him, but no one is privy to the real meaning. James is perpetually the antagonist to Pan and all that he stands for. The two are oddly designed to be the other’s specific problem; one cannot exist while the other survives. All Hook is built up to be depends on Pan. Pan defines Hook with his very existence. James cannot ever forget his obsession and perpetual concern with establishing himself over the Lost Boys. Golden hair constantly combed to perfection, James even appears as the visual opposite of Pan. One is dark, kissed by the night, with curled ringlets and constellations made of freckles. The other is gleaming, almost painfully, with thin, straight hair and a pale, ghost-like build. It is difficult to judge James based on fact. The entire town perpetuates rumours and speculations, but it is safe to say that the only person who knows Hook past every layer of his dark deeds is Pan.

And thus, we have the villains to our story. We have already established our Lost Boys. That gang of unlikely heroes and contradictorily beautiful villains must clash, at some point, because that’s how the story goes, right? And then a happy ending. It’s just a matter of time.

Tink had started sitting with you at lunch. It wasn’t exactly clear why, but ever since your short conversation at the outskirts of the deserted drive-in, she had sidled in next to Nat, without food, and stayed there all lunch period without an explanation.

“So, is she like, our friend now?” Nat mumbled around a mouthful of cafeteria fries.

It was the start of lunch, and Pippa hadn’t arrived yet. You pushed at your sandwich, a little put off already. School food wasn’t ideal. It was barely food.

“I don’t know.” You sighed, resting your chin in your hand.

“Man, I hope so. She’s badass. She’d probably beat Pan up for the shit he pulled with you.”

The mention of his name made a bad taste find it’s way into your mouth and you visibly grimaced, pushing your sandwich to the side in official abandonment. Before you could reply with something scathing about the boy, the scent of cigarettes and daisies entered the vicinity and Tink slid in next to you, scooping up your sandwich as she sat down and taking a bite, all in one smooth action.

“Not probably. I would.” Pippa grinned, glancing at you with a nonchalant shrug.

You shot her a smile, unbothered by your newfound lack of a sandwich. Tink didn’t bring lunches. It was possible she didn’t eat until the end of the school day, and this was good for her.

“You and me both, girl.” Nat huffed, making a show of cracking her knuckles.

“Pan’s different,” Pippa shrugged, mouth full of sandwich. “It was his way of showing that he cared for (Y/N).”

“He doesn’t care about me,” you stated, voice hardened. “Even if he did, that’s a real shitty way to show it. I’m done with that. I refuse to keep embarrassing myself.”

A silent look passed between Nat and Tink. A moment passed, then they both stood up, delivering the most enthusiastic standing ovation you’d ever seen. A half-smile on your face, you reached to grab both their sleeves and tugged them back into their seats.

“Bravo,” Nat laughed. “It’s about goddamn time.”

“I agree.” Tink’s eyes were twinkling, and despite your attempt to remain standoffish, you laughed anyway.

“I just wish there was somewhere I could get away from it all.” You hummed, reaching over to steal a fry from Nat. “I need some peace and quiet to finish some homework, think things over, just get distracted.”

Tink raised an eyebrow, tilting her head. “You already have somewhere.”

“And where would that be?”

“Neverland.”

Rolling your eyes, you sighed out a scoff. “Are you kidding me? That’s like his freaking home. Why would I go there to avoid him?”

“Oh, get over it. Pan barely ever actually comes to Neverland. He’s always off being all broody and lonely. Neverland is the home of the Lost Boys. Pan isn’t part of us. It’s a great place to go to when you need to clear your head, I swear.”

Biting your lip, you sat back to weigh the options. Avoiding Pan and all that he touched could only last so long; the boy’s touch was everywhere, practically palpable. If there was any chance that you could slip into Neverland and just have ten minutes to decompress without his presence, you had to take it.

“Okay. Fine. I’ll meet you in the parking lot at the bell. Nat, you wanna come?”

She shook her head, throwing the rest of her fries in her mouth. “Nah, I got work to do. Pippa, you promise me that (Y/N) comes back less pouty and depressed, okay?”

Tink smiled. “Promise.”

Neverland was just how you had remembered it. It was perpetually at rest, and yet poised for action. It was a place settled on an “in between”, something that existed in vivid colour and yet disappeared when you grasped too hard. The sky was clear as Tink and you trekked down the bushy path toward the drive-in, and within the space of five minutes, the tension that had stuck to your ribcage for days seemed to dissipate.

Pippa led the way towards the projection room, and the moment she opened it, a head of long dark hair pulled into a badly made bun caught your eye. So it seemed you weren’t alone.

“For the last time,” Slightly sighed, not even bothering to look up from the notebook he was furiously filling with words. “I’m not going to test drive your car, Curly, it doesn’t have brakes.”

“Where’s the fun in that, Lin?” Pippa grinned, and at the sound of his name, he looked up, eyes a bit wide.

“Oh, hi Tink.” He caught a glimpse of you behind her, and raised an eyebrow. “And…company.”

“This is (Y/N).” Tink gestured at you lazily before flopping onto the couch with a contented sigh.

“I remember,” Lin murmured, eyes assessing you with a certain guarded look. “You’re Pan’s (Y/N), right?”

“If there’s anything I’m not, it’s that. He doesn’t own me.” You snapped, hands curling into fists.

He visibly cringed, nodding as he looked down at his messy notes. “Right. Sorry, that wasn’t what I meant.” He stood, reaching out to offer you his hand. “I don’t think we’ve been introduced, at least properly. I’m Slightly.”

Warily, you shook his hand. “The same Slightly who blocked my exit from last time?”

He chuckled nervously, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Yeah. Sorry, I just…sorry.”

“He has Spontaneous Asshole Syndrome.” Tink quipped from the couch, grinning. “Not unlike our dear, dear Pan himself.”

Slightly rolled his eyes, turning around so he could flip her off with a good-natured grin. “I just…I try to be cool around people I respect. It can make for some bad choices, but any friend of Tink’s is a friend of mine.”

“It’s fine,” you chuckled, tapping at Tink’s legs so you could get some room to sit down on the couch.

“What brings you to our humble drive-in?” He smiled, pushing his notebook away and propping his legs up on the wooden chair adjacent to his own seat.

“Just…trying to find a place to think clearly.” You murmured, letting out a long breath.

“Neverland’s the perfect place for that. I’m always the most productive in this projection room.”

“Really? And what are you working on?”

“I write.”

“Write what?”

“A bit of everything,” he smiled, looking down as he flipped through pages and pages of words. “Poetry, couple songs…they make me feel at ease.”

“That’s really cool.” You smiled, a flow of conversation making you feel as if Neverland was soon becoming a place to belong too. A warmth opened in your chest.

“Yeah, yeah, anyway,” Tink started, reaching over to give Lin’s leg a poke. “Where are the rest of the boys?”

“Curly’s at the mechanic shop on shift, Tootles is studying, as always, the Twins are…no one ever knows where they are, and I think Nibs is on a date?”

“God, another poor female submitted to an entire meal with Nibs. True torture.” Tink groaned.

With a grin, you stood, looking down briefly to zip up your jacket against the fall cold outside. “I should go. Thanks for bringing me, Pippa. And thanks for not being a spontaneous asshole, Slightly.”

Tink sent you a thumbs up, and Lin grinned. “Come back anytime. It’ll be a better opportunity for me to redeem myself.”

“I just might.” You smiled, and by the time you left, all remnants of misery that had been circulating in your veins had all but disappeared.

The next time you went to Neverland, you had the privilege to meet Tootles. It crossed your mind that most of what you knew about the Lost Boys was found in whispers from the grapevine. Other than Tink and Pan, you had no connection or interaction with the rest of the group.

Binder in hand and homework on your mind, you pushed through the screen door and encountered Oak, sitting at the table in a mess of papers and binders. It was infinite. Three separate textbooks lay open on the table, marked excessively with post-it notes. A handful of different pens, highlighters and markers were distributed haphazardly around the table, and Oak already had two tucked behind one ear and a third perched between his teeth. He looked up with wide, vulnerable eyes.

“Oh, shit, sorry, I didn’t meant to…I’ll-I’ll go, sorry.” You backpedaled as quickly as possible, but before you could hurry away, he called out.

“Wait,” he mumbled around the pen, reaching up to take it from his mouth. “It’s fine, you can stay.”

Breathing out, you nodded and, albeit nervously, sat down across from him at the table and spread out your own work. Hastily, he reached out and bulldozed you some room, sweeping away his papers.

“What brings you to Neverland, (Y/N)?” He said.

“You know my name?” Your eyes widened at his liberal mention.

“Well, you’re Pippa’s friend, aren’t you? And, of course, Pan has mentioned you.” His voice grew careful and a warm feeling of gratitude at his respectful way to know boundaries washed over you.

“Right. Yes. I was just looking for a quiet place to do my homework.” You let out a nervous laugh, drumming your pencil against the blank paper in front of you.

“This place is perfect for that.” He leaned forward, face open and serious, with just a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. “What are you working on?”

“Biology essay about vaccinations. You?”

“AP Law is kicking my ass. I’ve got a lot of work to do.” He shrugged, gesturing to the textbooks in front of them.

“AP Law?” You repeated incredulously. “Damn, I’ve heard that class is hell on earth.”

“Oh, it is.” He smiled for the first time, and it was a very calming, fitting look. “However, it’s obligatory for my future career.”

“And what would that be?”

“A degree in law and criminology at Florida State University.”

His confidence and comfortable way with vulnerability astounded you, and you found yourself leaning in to listen to him speak. Oak’s voice had a heavy, logical side that seemed to quell all fears that had ever existed in any part of your brain. It was a therapeutic sound.

“You’ll get it.” You murmured, sending him a quick smile as you opened your textbook to get to work. “I know you will.”

“Thank you, (Y/N).” His voice was all courtesy and manners, but out of the corner of your eye, you saw another small smile find a place on his face as he returned to his work.

Up until this point, the only contact you had had with Nibs was an unpleasant encounter that lasted all of two seconds under low blue lights as he was tugged away from kissing your best friend. The added comment you had made about him disgusting you didn’t make for a smooth segue into any interaction.

After a busy day of exams, you had slipped away from the stream of people and drove down the highway to find the turn off to a pathway you had become quite acquainted with. The air was purer in Neverland, it seemed, as if it had been imbued with a sort of magic.

At the sight of Daveed lounging on the couch watching the Twins blow smoke rings, you almost balked, but a tenacious feeling of entitlement to be in this space too rose up and you stalked through the doorway and plunked down in one of the wooden chairs, refusing to look at him.

“Well, well! It’s-“ Daveed was grinning, already moving to sit up when the Twins interrupted.

“(Y/N).” They said it in perfect unison.

“Guys, I was going to say that. We don’t have to go full-out Disney villain plus corrupt sidekicks.” Nibs rolled his eyes and turned back to you, eyes shining. “What brings a lovely girl like you to our humble shack?”

“Well, first of all, I had hoped I would be able to avoid you. And secondly, nothing in particular.” You replied, setting your shoulders back as you picked, disinterestedly, at your cracking nail polish.

“I can’t believe you still hate me.” He sighed, a visible pout coming to his face. “All I did was talk up your friend, Pan is the one you should be mad a-“

“Daveed.” Leslie spoke up, his voice soft and commanding. “Don’t be tasteless.”

“Don’t be an asshole is really what he means.” Jordan shrugs, sitting down next to you.

Nibs rolled his eyes, and lay back down on the couch, reverting back to his moody posture in a second. Jordan tapped the ashes off his cigarette and sent you a half smile.

“Don’t mind him. It’s nice to have another girl in here besides Tink. She’s great and everything, but half the time-“

“I feel like she might kick my ass any minute.” Leslie finished for his brother, grinning as he took the seat across from yours.

You laughed, relaxing a bit as the atmosphere warmed. “It’s fine. Pippa is a firecracker, I agree. It’s hard not to love her, though.”

“Oh, absolutely.” They both chimed, giving an approving nod.

“Can you guys please stop the talking at the same time? You have been told repeatedly that it’s pretty fucking creepy.” Daveed snapped from his end of the room.

Rolling his eyes, Jordan stood. “Oh, suck it up, crybaby. We’re leaving anyway.”

“Nice to meet you again, (Y/N).” Leslie smiled, pulling his leather jacket on, cigarette still perched at his lips. “I hope Daveed doesn’t put you off Neverland. Come back whenever you like.”

With that, they swept out the door, closing it with a satisfying click, and yet, ultimately, leaving you alone with your least favourite of the group. Silence ruled the room, the kind that made you want to fidget and fill the space with un-necessary babble.

“Look, Nibs, it’s-“

“I’m sorry.”

You stopped short at that and turned to him, eyes wide with disbelief. His arm was thrown over his face, hiding his expression, but the sincerity in those two words had struck a chord in you that was still ringing loudly.

“What did you say?” You whispered, unconvinced that you had heard him correctly.

“I said I’m sorry.” He sighed, moving so he could sit up and occupying his gaze by looking down to light a cigarette. “I shouldn’t have tried to use Pan against you, it was a dick move.”

A pause flowed, and after a moment, you smiled, something you never thought you’d do in his presence. “It’s okay.”

“I’m also sorry for…you know, making out with your friend, and all that. Though I don’t regret it, she’s so ho-“

“Daveed, you’re ruining the moment.”

“Okay, sorry.” He chuckled, then paused, tilting his head as he looked at you, letting a breath of smoke out.

“What?” You challenged, raising an eyebrow.

“Nothing. It’s just…that’s the first time you called me by my real name.” He grinned and stood, reaching for his leather jacket. “Looks like you’re getting real comfortable with the Lost Boys, (Y/N).”

“Is that a bad thing?” You questioned, a little miffed by the statement.

“Not at all,” he smiled, half way out the door. “I think you’d fit in quite nicely.”

His words echoed in your head for a week.

Curly is not a social kind of person. He spends time with cars because those are easy; the parts fit together, there are instruction manuals, nothing is unexpected. With social encounters, none of these things exist. He leans on Slightly for that exact reason. Lin thrives on being around other people. Chris does not.

You poked your head into the projection room after a busy day at work, feet aching and searching for some respite. Slightly caught sight of you immediately, but there was someone else sitting at the table, turned away from you.

“(Y/N)! Come in, this place is always open.” He beckoned you forward, smiling.

“Hey, sorry to intrude, I didn’t know you guys would be here.” You offered a smile of your own, moving to sit on the couch.

“Oh, it’s fine. Have you met Chris? I don’t know, probably.” Lin shrugged, moving to return to his notebook scribblings.

“Hi,” you reached out and offered your hand for Chris to shake but he only stared at you, moving to offer you nothing but a nod of recognition.

“Anyway, Slightly, so we’ve got this Shelby 427 Cobra engine in the shop, right? And we’re going to see if we can rebuild-“

Refusing to be ignored, you cut in mercilessly against his words. “The Cobra, or the Cobra Super Snake?”

He froze and turned to you, frowning as he took a thoughtful drag of his cigarette. “Just a Cobra. Made in-“

“1966, yeah, I know.”

He paused momentarily, and you registered the delighted look on Slightly’s face out of the corner of your eye. “Didn’t know you liked cars.”

“I don’t, but I have an aunt who does. She taught me everything I know.” Letting out a breath, you stood. “I should leave you guys to it, this is your space after all. See you.”

Just before you could reach for the doorknob, Chris called your name. He had stood from his chair and he approached, hand outstretched. “I think I owe you a handshake.”

A half smile appeared on your face and you reached out, shaking his hand, a triumphant pride blooming in your chest. “Nice to meet you, Curly.”

“See you around, (Y/N).” He gave you a nod, which was more physicality than Chris ever exhibited around the general public over a week.

You left feeling, more than ever, like you belonged.

It wasn’t until a week later that you witnessed the Lost Boys as a group. The sun was just setting as you walked underneath the steel sign, a plethora of colours blooming from behind the wall of pines. Oranges and pinks calmed the stress from that day and you found yourself, once again, at ease in Neverland.

Tink, Tootles and Slightly were already in the projection room when you entered. There was intensity in their conversation that suggested paramount importance, but the moment they saw you, all words stopped.

“Hi, (Y/N),” Slightly managed a smile but it wavered.

“Hey,” you moved forward, a little warily. “What’s going on, guys?”

“Oh nothing, it’s-“

“Lin.” Oak’s voice stopped him with a word. “It’s fine, we can tell her.”

“Tell me what?” Your brow furrowed in confusion.

“(Y/N), I’ve told you of my plan to go to FSU and study law.” Oak started, beckoning you with an open hand as he sat down at the table. You took a seat adjacent to his.

“Yeah.”

“Well…I was planning on finding my way there through a scholarship that would pay for everything I could ever need; textbooks, food, housing.”

“Yeah, sounds great.”

“It does. But I didn’t get it.”

The entire room tensed at that, gauging your reaction in looks, silent prayers; it was a hundred different feelings mixed into a single mess. You let out a long breath, hands squeezing into tight fists.

“Oak, I am so sorry.” You reached out and placed your hand on his, looking up with pleading eyes. “You were born for that. I can’t fucking believe this.”

“That makes two of us, girl,” Tink huffed, a breath of smoke drifting from her lips. “It’s bullshit.”

Oak’s lips tilted into a small smile. It was a pleasing sight to see, he’d been curled over in stress for too long. “Thank you both, but this is just how it has to be. It was a long shot already, I can’t-“

“No.” You interrupted him, standing abruptly from the couch. “I can’t accept that, Oak. You deserve this more than any one of their students. We’re getting you to that goddamn university, okay?”

“I want him there more than anyone, honest to God,” Slightly added, hands raised in explanation. “But how?”

You bit your lip, mind working into a flurry of ideas and possibilities. “We’ll make money.”

“Off what?” Tink quipped. “I don’t know how many of you guys would be into pole-dancing as a side job.”

“We’ll use Neverland.” You murmured, eyes widening as a concrete idea started to take place in your mind. “This place is a drive-in, right?”

“A deserted drive-in, yeah.” Slightly said.

“It doesn’t have to be. Let’s revive it. We’ll show movies, sell concession. You guys know how to bake; there are old movies everywhere. This projection room has some useful equipment.”

“This could actually work,” Oak mumbled disbelievingly, standing as he glanced around the room. “This could actually work. I have some money saved up. I can apply for grants. This can work, you guys, holy shit.”

The screen door rattled and lo and behold, the golden feeling of triumph settling into your heart was suddenly stamped out in a second as Pan made his way, casual as anything, into the room, followed by Curly, Nibs and the Twins.

“Yo, guys, what are you all serious abou-“ He choked on his words the moment he realized you were in the vicinity. His vulnerable look of disbelief didn’t last long; it quickly converted to distaste. “What is she doing here?”

An anger washed over you, the blood roaring in your ears as you opened your mouth to just rip him apart but you were too slow; Tink got there first.

“Oh, get the fuck over it, Pan. (Y/N) knows where Neverland is, something that was, I may remind you, an idea you had. Suck it up, she comes here now.” She said this all from her lazy position on the couch and accompanied it with a scathing roll of her eyes.

A fast grin spread across your face and you mouthed a quiet thank you at her from your end of the room. She winked.

“Yeah, (Y/N)’s cool.” Slightly smiled, giving you a nudge with his elbow. “You guys wanna hear our plan to get Tootles to college, or what?”

“Always,” Nibs grinned, following the Twins to the table to find seats.

Before Oak could outline the new plan, a clatter of the door announced that Pan had disappeared just as fast as he had arrived. You stared at the door, teeth on edge as the spark of anger smoldered in your veins, but turned away and addressed the group.

“First line of thought: Neverland is making a comeback. Second line of thought: Casablanca is our first option.”

Neverland needed some intense cleaning up. It was the product of an entire weekend, and every one had their own part. At least, everyone but Pan. He hadn’t appeared yet, and, according to the Lost Boys, avoided Neverland as much as possible now that he knew you were there. It seemed you weren’t the only one wanting a place to get away.

“If I have to pick up one more pile of pinecones, I’m shoving them all down Nibs’ throat.” Tink groaned, flopping onto the couch during a break you had called.

“Kinky,” Slightly snickered, taking a swig from a cold bottle of water from the tiny fridge.

Nibs stuck out his tongue, all childish, as the rest of the group laughed. The sound died down as the screen door creaked open and a familiar head of curls peeked through, shyer than before.

“Pan.” Oak spoke up, after a moment of silence. “Nice to see you.”

“I…I thought I’d help.” He attempted a smile, glancing around the room.

“Thank you.” Oak smiled, reaching over to pull him into a one-armed hug of sorts. “Let’s get on this.”

As Nibs, Curly and the Twins cleared the yard of unwanted weeds and car parts, you had been assigned to sweep all remaining dust out of the projection room and check out the equipment. By some divine intervention, set out to ruin every good thing in your life, Pan had been assigned the same task. The silence was so loud it almost deafened you.

“(Y/N), I-“

“Don’t, Pan. Just don’t.” You breathed out, shaking your head as you concentrated on mopping the creaky wooden boards.

He paused at that, looking down at his hands that had just been sweeping dust off the shelves. “I want to talk.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. Just leave it. I get it, you’re Pan. It wasn’t ever supposed to work out.”

A breath pulled from his chest and he paused before speaking. “You used to call me Anthony.”

You stopped at that, the mop handle stilling in your hands as you sighed. “Yeah. I used to do a lot of things.”

He didn’t say anything else.

The day was bleeding into star-perforated night as you finished up. The group of nine was gathered in a group, some turning in a slow, awed circle as they took a look at a new, reborn Neverland in all its revived glory.

“We did it.” Oak breathed, a huge grin filled with pride gleaming on his face.

“Yeah. We did.” You laughed. “Our date is set for next Saturday night. There are some posters up already, we just need to get on filling our concession menu. Let’s get on that. Oh, and Nibs?”

“What?” He turned, raising an eyebrow.

“Weed brownies don’t count.” You grinned, propping your hands on your hips.

“Well, fuck! There goes my only idea.” He returned the grin.

“Thanks for helping out, (Y/N).” Oak smiled.

“Oh, of course. Good luck on Saturday.” You stepped backwards, starting to get some headway on the path back to the highway.

“Wait, are you not coming?” Slightly frowned, and you could see Pan turn to face you at his words.

“Well, I…I wasn’t sure if it would be…like, weird? I don’t really-“

“(Y/N), Neverland is your place too.” Oak offered you a grin.

“Yeah,” Curly mumbled.

“You’re as much of a Lost Boy as we are.” Tink nodded.

Her statement made an immortal feeling of delight rise up in your chest, and all of a sudden you were grinning harder than you ever had in your life.

“Holy shit. I love you guys.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Nibs chuckled. “Get out of here.”

Casablanca seemed a million years away, and even in your excitement to see Humphrey Boggart delivering those iconic lines, Pan’s attempts to smooth things over stayed with you just as long. It seemed you were never far enough from that boy to ever forget about him.

Casablanca went well. So did The Maltese Falcon. It wasn’t until you decided to show Rebel With a Cause that things truly, completely went to shit. It could have been the influence of an insurgent James Dean in the role of a rebellious teen, but Neverland became the backdrop for a split lip, a couple bruised knuckles and a bloody nose.

The idea had been going better than ever. People’s newfound love for anything vintage fit in well with the drive-in location and crowds of people were arriving every night to find an excuse to make out with someone in the back of a truck, or just to bring a couple friends to witness Mary Astor as an iconic femme fatale. Rebel With a Cause was just entering it’s opening sequence when the purr of motorcycles caught your ear and Oak stood up abruptly, searching to find Pan’s gaze and keep it.

He only uttered one word. “Pirates.”

Immediately, Anthony sprang from his seat, Nibs, Curly, and Tink following him without hesitation.

“Pirates? What the hell does that mean?” You turned to Jordan and Leslie for an explanation.

They paused for a moment, sharing a look before turning to address you. “You better come and see.” Jordan beckoned you out the door of the projection room.

It was dark out and the hushed murmur of teenagers cuddled into blankets and entwined with their dates dissipated easily in between the pines. Everything seemed to be at peace. Through the dark, you could make out Pan’s form as he led the way to the pathway. Several figures were approaching to meet them. The Twins at your side, you warily made your way to join the group. Oak sent you a silent, but comforting look. The air tingled with crackling electricity; everyone was on edge.

As you approached, Pan caught a glance of you out of the corner of his eye and instantly stepped just an edge closer in front of you, not completely obstructing your vision but making it a clear, protective stance.

A boy approached, shaking his blonde, windswept hair back into a neat style. He had a sly grin that was more unsettling than clever. There was a glint in his blue eyes that made your heart churn uncomfortably. He was dangerous. That much was clear.

“Pan!” The boy laughed, and the sound sent a chilling shiver down your spine. It was so hollow. “Good to see you again, buddy.”

“Hook.” Anthony replied, but there was not even an attempt at civility in his voice. “What are you doing here?”

“Well, I heard that you were planning on sending your dear old Poverty King here, off to college! Jasmine mentioned the fundraiser, blah, blah, long story short, I came to visit!” His grin only grew and he propped his hands on his hips.

The female who had been hovering at his shoulder came forward, and her beauty astounded you. She had dark hair braided together, and it settled nicely against her shoulder. Her eyes, however, were void of any emotion. She was just as cold as this Hook character, if not more.

“You didn’t even invite us,” she pouted, leaning her head against Hook’s shoulder.

Slightly stepped forward, rolling his eyes. “We had no reason to, you were unwanted, Smee. God, I can’t actually say your name without laughing. Where the fuck do you get something like-“

“What Slightly means to say,” Oak cut in, shooting him a glance. “Is that what we’re doing is up to us. We’d appreciate it if this ended right here and now.”

Hook pouted, stepping forward. “That’s not nice, my dear, broke, friend. No need to be unsociable now.”

Pan made his way forward from the group, abandoning his protective stance in front of you. The leaders of both groups met in the middle. “James, my patience is running out. I can only say “please” so many times before it evolves into a simple, “fuck you”.”

Hook narrowed his eyes, assessing his options. “Yeah? Well I don’t play nice.” As he took note of your presence, his gaze transferred almost immediately, away from Anthony. “Oh, and who do we have here?”

He moved forward, coming dangerously close as his eyes raked, unashamedly, up and down your body. The distance between you was closing, and fast, until Tink appeared at your side.

“Don’t even fucking think about it.” She murmured. Her voice was soft but it trembled with fury. You felt a swell of gratitude for her.

“Hey, I’m just acquainting myself with this…lovely thing.” He smiled, an act that looked unnatural on his gaunt face. Just as his hand brushed against your cheek, a blurred movement came out of nowhere, and suddenly James was on the ground. You stumbled backward, heart tumbling in your chest.

“You do not fucking touch her, ever again.” Anthony stepped forward, leaning over James’ crumpled body. “Hear me? Not ever, you fucking-“ He was halfway through a kick when Hook hurled himself forward and landed a punch that made you cringe. As Anthony wound up to punch him again, you hurried towards him, reaching a hand out to grasp his shoulder and stabilize him.

“Anthony,” you breathed, turning to face him, eyes imploring with every ounce of energy you had. His nose was bleeding, bad. “Please, don’t. He’s not worth it.”

James’ voice made you turn. “Listen, babe, I know you’re trying to help and everything, but maybe just let the men settle this, yeah?”

Jaw clenching, you turned to him with a sweet smile. “Oh, anything for you. Just one thing.” You opened your palm and jabbed up, the heel of your hand crushing his nose up with a satisfying sound. He tumbled backward, only stopping when Jasmine hurried to help him up.

A pause echoed in the space. Every eye in the place was turned to you. Then, Tink spoke.

“(Y/N), that was fucking awesome, holy shit!” She let out a disbelieving laugh.

In your moment of glory, you forgot the presence of the Pirates, and it wasn’t until the sound of Curly punching someone made you realize the situation, that you actually turned to see what was happening.

There was movement everywhere. Curly had managed to grab one of Hook’s men and they were in a merciless grapple. Every time the Pirate seemed to get the advantage, Slightly was there to even out the odds with a vicious uppercut. Pan seemed to be right in the centre of it, strands of hair floating about his angelic face, blood bright red in the darkness, every one of his movements the epitome of beautiful. You dimly registered that Jordan was shaking you, imploring you to get the attention of the group. Oak was busy trying to shake off another one of Hook’s men, who Tink had swarmed to annihilate. Everything was happening at once.

“Stop,” you mumbled, but your voice disappeared in the endless sounds. “Stop, you guys…stop!”

The sharpness of your voice made an impact, and the sound echoed all the way down the path. The fighting slowed to a stop and you stepped forward, heading right into the middle of the fray to address Hook and Pan.

“This ends now. Hook, this is our home. You do not have the right to enter and do as you please. Get the fuck out right now, before I break your nose again, I swear to God.” Your voice was strong and level.

James’ jaw clenched in frustration, but he pushed away from Pan and beckoned the rest of his men with an open palm. Within the space of three minutes, they were halfway back down the path, heading back to their motorcycles.

All of the Lost Boys seemed to release a breath, all at the same time. You took a look around, assessing. Curly had a split lip. Anthony’s nose was still bleeding. Slightly’s knuckles were black and blue. And you had never seen anything more beautiful.

A slow but bright smile came to your face. “I hope that’s the last time we ever see them again.”

All tension seemed to bleed from the group in an instant. It started with Slightly’s laughter, then the Twins, then Oak, and pretty soon, everyone was laughing. It felt cathartic, like this was what people meant by high school being the best years of your life. It was the people that made it so good.

“We should probably get back to James Dean,” Oak grinned.

“Yeah,” Leslie agreed, chuckling. “Let’s go.”

You stayed back, checking on members of the group who had gotten injured, but you were met mostly with triumphant smiles. The Lost Boys were, after all, adrenaline seekers of sorts, and this was a perfect fix.

Though you had tried to avoid Anthony for as long as possible, you fell into step beside him, glancing at him from the corner of your eye.

“Are you okay?”

“M’fine.” He was looking down, words muffled.

“No. Anthony, you’re not. Hey, wait up. Look at me.” You reached a hand out to stop his steps and turned him to face you.

The blood hadn’t quite stopped, and it looked quite bad. You huffed, a little miffed at his stubbornness, and reached into your pocket to receive a cloth from the projection room. As you pressed it to his nose, an attempt to stop the bleeding, you noticed a grin on his face.

“What are you smiling about?” You raised a cryptic eyebrow.

“You called me Anthony again.” He chuckled a bit, trying hard not to jostle you with the movement.

His words made you stop, and you bit down on your chapped lips, deep in thought.

“Yeah.”

“(Y/N).”

“Mhm?”

“I’m sorry.” He sighed the words out.

His words meant much more than the surface suggested. It was an apology for everything: the fight, the lies, and the heartbreak. In an instant, you recognized the soft side of the boy you were very quickly coming to care for.

“It’s okay.” You attempted a smile, and it was smile, but still there.

He stared down at you, a sort of awe opening in his expression as you smiled up at him. Reaching up, he cradled your jaw with hands still sore from throwing punches, a thumb brushing against your cheek. You leaned into his touch, eyes closing briefly as two conflicting sides of thought warred viciously in your mind.

All indulgence had to end at some point. Quickly, you pulled away, taking a deep breath.

“We should catch up with the others.”

Surprisingly, the rest of the night went along without a hitch. After the movie ended, the rest of the group stayed for an extra hour, spending the time joking around and, slowly but surely, cleaning up the projection room and the lot. At this point, night had fallen completely, but the golden light spilling from the three thrift store lamps in the shack seemed just right. Pan had left early, mumbling something about being busy. No one had believed it, but then again, no one had questioned it.

“I am exhausted,” you breathed out, collapsing back onto the couch.

“Breaking someone’s nose’ll do that,” Nibs grinned.

Tink let out a laugh, cigarette ember glowing in the dusky light. “I still can’t believe you did that.”

You cringed. “It was bad, wasn’t it.”

“Badass, yeah,” Slightly added, sending you a thumbs up from the side of the room.

Laughing, you heaved yourself off the couch and headed toward the door. “Badass or not, I gotta get some sleep. I’ll see you guys later.”

“Wait a minute, (Y/N),” Oak called out, turned to fish in his backpack for something. “We have a present for you, since this was all your idea.”

You stopped, eyes widening. “Oak, it was nothing, really, I-“

“We insist.” Slightly grinned.

As Oak stood, you recognized the colour and texture of the fabric in his hands, even from the opposite side of the room. It was a leather jacket, just like all of theirs, but it was more than that. It was a symbol. Oak tossed it to you with a grin.

“Your initiation is complete. You deserve that.” He crossed his arms, cracking his knuckles absent-mindedly.

“I…thank you.” You murmured, running your fingertips over the jacket.

“Don’t thank us,” Tink turned to you with a twinkle in your eyes. “It was Pan’s idea.”

It seemed that that boy was always taking you by surprise. With a delighted laugh, you smiled. “I’ll wear it with pride. For now, though, I really do have to go.”

Curly was the one who spoke up. It was such a rare occurrence that everyone turned to witness his words.

“Welcome to the Lost Boys, (Y/N).”

You sent him a smile from the doorway. “It’s an honour.”

#anthony ramos x reader #anthony ramos imagine #hamilcast imagine #peter pan au #king of the lost boys #kotlb

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kendrixtermina · 7 years

Text

Cold Hearted Girl Blues

The “Cold Hearted Girl Blues” Anthology, & associated story ideas.

Just to be safe, TRIGGER WARNING for Disturbing Content and unhealthy attitudes that are in no way representative of reality.

Depiction =/= endorsement.

(Final order may vary)

Part A: Avoidant Attachment Style

Indifferent Girl Playlist - “The expression ‘I don’t feel so well’ makes no gramatical sense. It should be ‘I don’t feel so good’, unless you mean to imply that your ability to feel is hampered.”

Cold Hearted Girl Blues - “One Day she won’t love you either.”

Barren Heart - “The hypocricy of writing about things you know nothing about.”

There Was Nothing In Gauf’s Room - “It’s not her fault, either. What you get is what you see. ”

Failure to Manifest - “Sometimes, this situation has her feeling like she doesn’t exist.”

Cold Hearted Girl Gothic - “Just this single, isolated Conciousness.”

LEERE IST EIN PRIVILEG - “#Introvert Pride.”

Dweeb Life - “Ah, the obscure Joys of bein a shut-in”

Heroin Chick - “Involving no actual heroin.”

You're in a laundry room - “There has been a bit of a failure to connect with this world.”

Biology / inertia - “Even her happiest relationship didn’t go over without being compared to a robot at least once. Balancing extreme introversion with a live-in boyfriend.”

Diffusion - “She has no idea what she looks like. It always surprisesher what people say about her.”

Cold Blooded - “It’s a style of communication, apparently.”

Crazy Headphones Girl - “What could he possibly see in her?”

Cold Hearted Girl Erotica - “Her Kink is compartementalization, but she also dabbles in questionanble sex on drugs threesomes with a hooker.”

Cold Hearted Girl Tumblr - “Preempting the Discourse(TM). I was done with the 2010s when they were a new thing.”

Cold Hearted Girl Musings - “She tries to avoid the common pitfalls, at least in theory.”

Cold Hearted Girl Adventures - “She realizes that she’s the sort of person who breaks people’s heart; She’s like this asshole boyfriend from all these lovesongs.”

Cold Hearted Girl's Lament - “She’s usually the one who has to take it upon herself to be be the rational one and tell you ‘No’.”

Cold Hearted Girl Challenges - “Even the Best of her relationships involved her being compared to a robot at least once.”

Life is Gross - “Including the bits of it that are commonly accepted to be loveable and cute.”

Indifference II: Emotionally unavailable morally ambiguous chick - “There are character flaws, ppl. Being an asshole is generally a bad thing.”

Cyborgery I (the becomming) - “Even when she’s right with you,she’s so far away”

The Minimalist's Wet Dream - “She leads her life with a bare minimum of human contact.”

Alphabet Girl - “It would be one thing if you were competing with the universe, but it’s really her ingrown, self-absorbed world you’re playing second fiddle to.”

Peel - “You thought you could find a normal person underneath, didn’t you?”

Part B: Maladaptive Daydreaming

Endzeitromantik - “No one wants to admit these days that they ever liked NuMetal but she sees no reason to do the same.”

Unapologetic - “She’s not romanticising what she thinks you think she’s romanticising. Or so she thinks.”

Luciferosis - “She’s in love with the Devil and is planning to leave in order to be with him. Of course, she will be missed, but of course, she doesn’t care about it. She’s the sort of asshole who’d fall in love with the Devil.”

Opheliac - “There are multiple ways to be in love with the void. The most relevant ones are not featured in this piece.”

Lone Diggin' - “Going to restaurants on her own.”

The Girl In The Tower - “To preserve something valuable in safe, protected garden... that is not what you did.”

Bizarro Self - “She’s put some thought into this, actually.”

Dreamer Things - “That’s what she calls them, anyway. ‘Dreamer’ may be an euphemism here.”

Make Me Wanna Die - “She just wants to be special, probably because she has no idea what real suffering is. Words mean things, you know?”

Favorite Love Songs - “Though her real life is barren and deprived, she has a rich inner life. Well, then again, how ‘rich’ can an ‘inner life’ be that only ruminates tiny indirect tidbits of information?”

There Is A Little Harley Quinn In All Of Us - “Unpacking the Whole Badboy Complex. It’s not what you think it is.”

Strange Little Girl - “You really should be going.”

Abstract Dreams - “She doesn’t think they mean anything but she’s willing to indulge the thoughts.”

Joy, Joy, Joy, the Melancholia Rolercoaster. - “She likes to think she has feelings.”

Immortelle - “Involving no Actual Immortals.”

I Feel Personally Victimized By Those 19th Century Romanticists - “Even I am not sure what she’s trying to rove here.”

My Fantasy - “Her kink is apparently freezing to death.”

Cyborgery II - “She envies people whose calloused hands show their dedication to their passion.”

Reality Death - “Silly Rabbit, of course the world keeps turning when you’re not there to observe it anymore.”

Dandelion - “The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all. But sometimes it’s better to be the Dandelion, which can take root anywhere and everywhere.”

Plunge - “If there’s some A grade deaster going on, she obviously won’t miss out on watching.”

Fairytale Ending - “My favorites were Sleeping Beauty and ‘The Salt Princess’. Go on and psychoanalyze me.”

Recontextualizing - “She has different words for it now.”

Peeping Tommie - “It’s at it’s purest where it belongs the least. Or perhaps she just grew the fuck up.”

Paper Flowers - “She’d like to think they mean something.”

Part C: Exercises in Counterdependency

The Butthurt Electra Playlist - “She’s got enough self-awareness to call it that, but not enough to realize it was a bad idea.”

She Will Have her Revenge - “She’ll come back as Fire/ To Burn All the Liars/ Leave a Blanket of Ash on the Ground.”

Hate Poems - “Or: Giving yourself Headaches over people who aren’t worth it”

Pavlov redux - “If you can’t understand like a human, you have to be beaten like a dog” - “Actually, Daddy Dearest, you’re not supposed to beat dogs, either.”

Im Real Good At Hating - “Honestly! I’ve got to have some talent somewhere. ”

Fuck You Specifically- “Her Lips: Fuck You. Her Hair: Fuck You. Her Clothes: Fuck You. Her crippling self-motivation issues: Fuck You.”

My whole existence for your amusement - “And that is why I’m here with you.”

Sick & Tired - “Yes I know what you think of me, you never shut up.”

Been A Son - “Why does she spend so much time searching for some kind of reason for what you did? Even if there was, it wouldn’t justify your actions.”

Make a list - “It’s supposed to be a therapeutic excercise.”

choice - “It’s the Morton’s Fork of emotions.”

gross girl - “FAART. FAART. She picks her note and eats it. ”

BratFactory - “She outright heard her mother say that she has no value to that man except as a mother to make children.”

AntiStar - “Back in the day, I became obsessed with the thought of a lightless Luminary, an existence that is the very opposite of light.”

Adaptation - “It’s amazing how much a human can twist themselves into a pretzel. It was a matter of survival at the time, you see.”

Emotional Abuse Checklist - “BINGO!”

Remember That We Suffered - “You have no idea what pain is.”

Cyborgery III: We can Rebuild Her - “Perhaps these vagrant years were simply the means to piece herself back together.”

Idetifikation mit dem Aggressor - “Apparently she looks just like him.”

Es Kocht Die Eifersucht - “A parent is supposed to protect a child from the bad experiences of their youth, not inflict some creepy reenactment of them upon you.”

Curmudgeon (Long Way Home) - “She’s that thing you go to when you want to have a cheap laugh.”

Visibility - “Your Father Loves you! why can’t you see that?”

Touchy - “You bet she is.”

Light - “She thinks she used to be Light once, but she can’t be sure.”

If I Die, I can be replaced - “I will leave you all behind, move to spain and adopt some children who actually deserve my time and money. Perhaps they will finally appreciate me, unlike you ungrateful wretches.”

My One Mistake Was That I Couldn't Let You Down - “Turns out she wasn’t quite Cold Hearted enough.”

PART D: USELESS, USELESS, USELESS CHILD

Fuckyeahmedicalgrossness - “In my humble opinion, the human brain is way too squishy.”

Something in The Way - “You can always find something.”

Unbirth - “Barely Functioning Lump of Human Flesh. Except no, that’s unfair to the people with real problems. I suppose ‘asshole’ will do.”

Donald Duck Volcano - “I’m not gonna sugarcoat her this time.”

My Wretched Soul Desires Violence - “It’s not pretty, but it’s true. It shouldn’t be but it is.”

Verbal Disclaimer - “I’m not claiming I’m perfect either.”

Useless Child - “How was she supposed to learn if you never let her do anything?”

Madwoman in the Attic - “And they always knew she would be the family spinster.”

Unfair Existence - “At the risk of sounding like a millionaire campaigning for a tax on poverty.”

The Mutant - “Way to make that 9 year old feel like a freak of nature... in the end it’s probably a kind of arrogance.”

Green Grunge - “It’s her jam, except not really. She sure can’t claim to be an expert.”

In Defense Of That Legendary Divorce - “The whole concept of ‘stay for the children’ is utter bullsh*t”

My Fantasy II - “I’m gonna kill all yo fuckers. That’s what quiet people who keep to themselves are supposed to do, right?”

Cyborgery IV – Plastic Death - “My Fetish: All the weak parts of the real me, cut away and dumped in a bucket of medical waste.”

Schreckschraube - “It occurs to her that she’s terribly gross to them.”

Nemo, or as my father lovingly calls me, "Chiquilla de Mierda" - “It’s Spanish for ‘Shit Brat’.”

Hasmereir - “Some of the cruelty is lost in translation, but it basically means ‘Make-Me-Laugh-Thing.’”

You Stink - “Bullies aren’t known for being very creative people.”

Sweet Sweet Reality - “She’s not completely out of touch with it.”

Is there More To Lose Than Gain - “Apparently yes, but she’s not sure how to get it anyways.”

Alraune - “Always with the legends and the soulless children. I think she has a type.”

Confession - “I plead guilty. Mostly to existing.”

Way Too Old For This And F****ing Bored Of It - “Even she is sick of all her emo bullsh*t.”

EPILOGUE: WHATS THE USE OF FEELING BLUE? - The next step, apparently, is crying.

#chgb #writing #baby tries to art #trigger warning

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riseofthebelieversrp-blog · 7 years

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Hello, Storytellers~

Summer's in full swing! (Which is great, but up here it's kinda chilly. What gives?!) It's sunny, it's warm, it's beach season and we couldn't be happier! Summer is the season of high energy and high muse - which means lots of plotting, lots of writing! But don't forget to go outside for the occasional ten seconds of fresh air. <3

Welcome to our blog’s first newsletter! From hereon in, we’ll be submitting it every month on the first. Keep an eye out!

THE WELCOME WAGON

We're welcoming a total six new candidates this month! Say hello if you see them in the cbox! March, as brought by Shade! She's looking at the Obsidian King~ Cam, who has expressed interest in Dorothy! Gen, looking at the Merry Men of Robin Hood! Leopard, who totally slipped in under the radar - if you see this one, nab them and say hi! Rosary, a friend of Nico's! Shelby, who found us through an ad on tumblr! Last minute Zira, an old friend of Carma's, who's dragging York along with her!

IN THE WORKS

We're looking at fae, Egyptians and fairytales this month! Be sure and take a look at these apps, and stay tuned to see them complete~

March's Rauvelore ap Ievos

Gengar's Iollas Dacan

Hakuna's Osiris

Shelby's Maddie Hathaway

Nico's Alice Liddell

Though there's not yet an app, Rosary has a character named Lucy Seeker in the works! Wonder what she's all about!

ENTERING THE STAGE

We had a whole slew of characters joining us in May, including a grand total three canines, a feline, a few immortals and a Night Mare.

Ocean's Cafe Noir

Skel's Averin Lucida

Bass Invader's Pestilence

Spotteh's Gregorio Pantaleon

Momo's Pippa McBride

Micken's Ranger

Reed's Cerberus

Moulder's Pretty Boy

Lloydy's Asheton Hollins

Lulu's Jack Dawson

WANTED CHARACTERS

Of all the Big Five, a couple are still in need of filling! Those are North, the Guardian of Wonder, and Sandman, the Guardian of Dreams. Further, we'd like to take a moment to remind people of the Wanted Ads out there~ If you're musing on a character idea, take a look at the Wanted Ads out there to see if there are any roles your idea can fill! Don't hesitate to poke people and see if they're willing to be flexible on what they've got!

SITE UPDATES

It's Summer Skin time! As before, you have the option to choose between a DAY skin and a NIGHT skin. Go to your User Control Panel, and on the left-hand side, look for skin preferences! You should see SUMMER DAY and SUMMER NIGHT available. Special thanks go to Ionahi of tumblr, who we commissioned for the artwork in both skins! Tumblr Features: Starting this month we are opening up a new thread for Wanted Ad features! Those of you who would like a wanted ad featured on our tumblr page, post in that thread with the requested information! A single member can request a specific wanted ad once a month. That same member can request different wanted ads once every week. Guides: The community has done it again, giving us two new guides to pore over! First we have Shade's Guide to the Fae, formatted in a google doc, and second, Momo gave us the Land of Sweets from the Nutcracker. NPC Character Gudielines: Staff is going to be slightly revising the role that NPC characters are able to take! This shouldn't affect anyone currently, it will simply help to give a more distinctive boundary between "full character" and "NPC character", as we don't currently have much to distinguish them.

THE STORY SO FAR

The Starlit Masquerade is underway! So far most of the guests have arrived in some fashion; some have partnered off for a dance, while the rest are simply chatting it up in....what we can only hope is civil discussion. But soon, they will be joined by their most gracious host, with words on the Guardians! I wonder what all will be said - and how might that information be used by less savoury sorts? Could the Anti-Guardians be gleaning information from their enemies, even now?

SPOTLIGHTS

Momo's Poesy: If you've heard anything about the power struggle in New York's gang community, this girl's at the center of it. The gang scene has been severely shaken up ever since Poesy decided to dig her claws into it; she's clever, she's crazy, and she's on her way to the top. Moulder's Volker: This is a man who's lived a long life haunted by his family's curse. Male members of the family are possessed, through each generation, by a demon of sorts known as Oor, who turns the host into a sociopathic cannibal. With a son of his own, he's looking for a way to free himself of the curse before it passes on to his child.

GOSSIP INSIDER

Know the tricky thing about masks and code names? All the good gossip is speculation until everything is revealed! That said, the gossip rags are soaking up spilled tea everywhere! Let's wring 'em out and see what we can find out~ A masked lady in blue and silver was asked to dance by a dashing man in green - are those robes? Who wears robes in this day and age? And who taught this man to dance? He's crushed the lady's delicate toes! Wow, did you see the gown on that woman with the horned mask? The one with the emeralds and gold? Whew, she looks like she belongs in the Palace, that's for sure! But it also looks like she'd found her place with Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome over there~ Now there's an energetic duo on the dance floor! She's clad in gold and he in white, but if you squint a bit... I think - maybe - one of them is glowing? Perhaps it's just a trick of the many lights... Yeah, that's it. Couldn't possibly be...? Could it? Overheard in the Amber Room: two ladies discussing how overwhelming the party is! They're not wrong; the party is being held in one of the grandest locales in Russia, is being hosted by a being that hasn't been seen in several years, and no one knows who anyone is! It's the very definition of the word, but fear not, ladies - everything will be okay. Just enjoy the party~ Overprotective Chaperone Alert!! Hyperion has found himself in the company of two unchaperoned young women and is, apparently, very upset about this! So much so, in fact, that when one of the dates finally appeared, he was very curt with him. There's still one date missing and he seems to be silently fuming about this. WHAT KIND OF STRANGE DOG IS THAT?! It's not like any dog we've ever seen, folks, and I'm willing to bet that it's not a real dog! Honestly, we're still wondering how it even got in and to whom it belongs, but the guy in red seems to know it... Speaking of the guy in red... RABASTAN! That's his name! Yeah, he was overheard saying some rather rude things to a lady - granted, her words weren't terribly ladylike - but that was seriously uncalled for! And it just goes to show that words hurt - but fear not, Rasalas! A fellow lady is there to show solidarity and to give advice and comfort. Just let Gemma take care of you, it'll be okay~ Looks like the champagne wasn't enough for some! Arcturus set out to steal some wine and succeeded! Now, with stronger drinks in hands, he and several others in the Cameron Gallery are discussing the other guests in broader terms. People come to the balconies for fresh air and a reprieve, but they tend to leave in pairs - according to one set of loose lips. Several couples have been spotted, but the one that intrigues me the most is the man in the cape and his dazzling lady in blue. She seems tense... wonder why... HOLY MASQUERADE, BATMAN! Gotham City's Dark Knight has been spotted talking to a pirate lass, a pretty lady in yellow, and a gentleman who... ALMOST... got a date! In any case, I hope Batman has an eye on the two gentlemen in the corner; they are lowkey competing with him for the title of 'Most Likely to Brood at a Fancy Party'. And, thus the curtains close on the Starlit Masquerade Gossip Corner~ We shall now resume with our regular programming. There would appear to be an unattended child running around in Burgess with a bag way too big for him. Fortunately, a nice ol' dad is here to help him out. Hey, who said that you have to be a Guardian to have fun? Ginger's throwing her own shindig, and she's got all the really cool people there. Booze and soft drinks around! Seriously, who let Douglas take anyone for a tour around the Moon Clipper? At least Thoth seems to be serious about it... Avast, it's a meeting of pirate folk! Or...well, a former pirate and a cabin boy....girl. Wonder what the Jolly Roger wants with Asheton? Oh jeez, Jamie's gotten himself into the clutches of a rising power in the gang world. And who's there to save the day but one of Ryder's own gang members? Yeah, it's a bit of a hairy mess. Let's hope our belief-less boy comes out okay! Who's that sniffing around the fae world? Why, it's a handsome skeleton~ He's caught the eye of an equally curious hot mom. No, a real hot mom, as in she's on actual fire. It seems our favourite light sprite doesn't understand that wraiths don't like bright glowing girls. She just wants to make a friend, Sab, have a heart! Maidie's in a mess! A mess whose name is Hydra. Whatever dastardly plans does the snake man have for her?! Will she make it out alive?! Ever wonder what training a ditzy light sprite might look like? Well, Deit's about to find out... Tars needs to seriously stop getting caught unawares. It's happened with the wrong person now...wonder if Taer plans to tattle? The friendly mom routine is winding to a close~ Kary is about to learn the true nature of the Beldam. And it's a real shame, too; they were getting along so well. Oor seems to believe he can strike a bargain with the Nightmare King. Could he have anything in his favour, or is it a lost cause? Snow is beginning to uncover the mysteries that lie beneath Roman's mask....just how much will he share? Apparently mouth to mouth isn't an expression of romance in these two cultures; Emil and Sabellius have instead become a strange pair of friends. Or that's the idea, anyway. It's a bird! It's a plane! ...Actually a bird isn't far off, but Daniel's being a superhero again and Kay's left to wonder....huh? Stand aside Emil, there's a new dad for Maidie in town, and his name is Niulang! Well there's no lions or tigers or bears, but there sure is a wolf, and Frollo hates wolves. What's that? She's also a woman? Oh, now he hates her more. Burn the witch, am I right? It seems like the Aquarians are about to get themselves into a bit of a pickle...there's danger on the horizon, and only one of them seems to be aware. Ever wondered why the Guardians think how they do? Pandora's asked the Guardian Expert, Pitch, to explain! Wait.... Hold on, hold on! There's a gunfight by the lake, between two Guardians. Both of you, calm down! You're on the same side! What's this? Childhood friends?! West is about to learn a shocking truth about her sweet friend Pippa. The Lady of the Lake stands before the ruins that brought about the existence of the Stromkarlen. Is there any dark magic here to be revealed? Damn, what a view! Douglas sure knows how to treat a lady to a nice spectacle. I guess there are some perks to living on the moon, eh? An evil scientist and an evil potionmaster have finally met! Only one seems to be even remotely pleased about it.

#rotb #rotg #rise of the guardians #jcink rp #jcink premium #rotg rp #newsletter #forum rp #wanted characters #admin:Carma

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lovehaswonangelnumbers · 5 years

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New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/angel-messages-a-light-and-flowering-joy/

Angel Messages ~ A Light And Flowering Joy

FCGCT Commentary: We are moving from the mind, to the Heart… not the balancing of the two. The brain acts as a conduit while the heart processes. The mind conflicts with the Heart, and is the cause for imbalance, pain, fear, suffering and more. The mind… the ego, blocks the Heart, as it Edges God Out. Let go of the mind, and solely flow from the Heart, connected to the Unified Heart in Unity Consciousness.Thoughts turn to feelings, and beliefs to to knowing. Hearts connect to other Hearts in unity.Let go of wants and needs and move toward a paradigm grateful receiving.We are moving into a paradigm of passion for co-creation in love everywhere present.Wants, needs, and desires are EGO traits, true passion is expanding love into creation with pure intent and creation of New Earth energy.Passion must be in aligned intention of new earth = heart.Change must be embraced, accepted, and allowed, as LOVE is the only frequency that will move forward.Change is positive and with it comes expansion.Allow change and embrace the energies pouring out from Mother of all Creation.

Angel Messages ~ A Light And Flowering Joy

Love’s Beginning

You don’t have anything to achieve in the world, apart from what you end up doing. Traditionally, you would call this laziness. But what is left without the rush-rush and the push-push? If everything is perfectly, divinely in place right now, what happens when you set down the rush-rush and push-push? When you allow that which manipulates through emotion to subside, what arises? That which is perfectly timed and needs no push, through you. It is simplicity itself.

When separate you doesn’t have anything left to achieve, the door is open for the whole of you to work in the world through you. There is no resistance here, no interference. There is delight to see what unfolds. There is willingness to show up as inspired. There is willingness to show up as anything at all, past all requirements of ego, past all resistance.

The world was originally a playground where a separate self could succeed. But in order to have the experience of relative success, other selves have to fail in order to highlight a separate one as successful. When ego is transcended, and by this we mean the type of resistance that puts you into conflict with one another (not to be confused with the beautiful differentiation of each one of you–keep that!), you fall into mutual thriving, success for all, joy for all. You fall into yourSelf, and when you fall into yourSelf, you fall in Love. That’s why it feels so right.

During your day, notice where you attach value to how the world is showing up. What type of value are you attaching to the world or an aspect of it? Does any of it feel stressful? Feel how is feels–the reverberations, the vibrations, the ripples. Feel how it feels so thoroughly that you emerge into the stillness beyond all that. In this space, the world just is. It has no particular value beyond the joy you already are and always have been, but it is the stage upon which this physicality is played out. Now it is played out in peace because you invited it in by transcending back-and-forth values. It is really easy to do. You just sit still until all the back-and-forth stops. You breathe. You move when inspired.

Making peace your reference point, your base, doesn’t mean inactivity. On the contrary, it can mean great activity that comes without resistance. It can mean periods of deep rest that come without judgment. It means everything happening in the right time, in the right way, with your knowing this is so. When you know for yourself, you can know it for others. How you see others is very powerful and can affect and assist them in very specific ways. So yes, you will be active. But you will also come to value the power of the mind-to-mind connection that looks like no activity at all.

Everything you do starts to bring you joy, so it doesn’t much matter what you are doing. Therefore it doesn’t become a big deal if you do something that looks very, very great or very, very small. Sweeping the street and cleaning the toilet are equal to speaking to thousands. You know that everyone always is speaking to thousands and billions right now, mind-to-mind, and the joy you are able to share with others right now is more valuable than any speech. When speech comes, it can come through you more easily without the interference of ego.

This realization that it doesn’t matter what you do frees you up to do the things that matter because you are not held back by concept. A light and flowering joy carpets the land. This is the image we want to leave you with. As many of you have this realization that you can simply show up as what you always have been, this light and flowering joy is spreading and being shared. It is unstoppable because is is the only thing that is true, and we share the glory of this with you.

~~~~~~~~~

Share Our Messages with Love and Gratitude

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Commentary from The First Contact Ground Crew 5dSpiritual Healing Team:

Feel Blocked, Drained, Fatigued, Restless, Nausea, Achy, Ready to Give Up? We Can Help! We are preparing everyone for a Full Planetary Ascension, and provide you with the tools and techniques to assist you Home Into The Light. The First Contact Ground Crew Team, Will Help to Get You Ready For Ascension which is Underway. New Spiritual Sessions have now been created for an Entire Family, including the Crystal Children; Group Family Healing & Therapy. We have just began these and they are incredible. Highly recommend for any families struggling together in these times of intense changes. Email: [email protected] for more information or to schedule an emergency spiritual session. We can Assist You into Awakening into 5d Reality, where your experience is one of Constant Joy, Wholeness of Being, Whole Health, Balanced, Happy and Abundant. Lets DO THIS! Schedule Your Session Below by following the Link! Visit: http://www.lovehaswon.org/awaken-to-5d/

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