#when the movie was done i craved the same thing but trans and gay so i'm gonna read the most ardently book

[derelictdumbass]

what 2 do when sick: watch pride and prejudice with ur sibling for the first time

[tehcoop]

I am an old. I'm an old, old fandom lurker wandering from one fandom to the other for the past (oh God) two decades. I've read in everything from Gundam Wing in my (not that) delinquent high school years to Due South to Stargate Atlantis, Harry Potter, Star Wars, yadda yadda yadda, on and on up to The Witcher, most recently. 

And then The Old Guard.

Guys... Guys.

This movie smacked me in the face and shook me to my core. It was everything I've never known I wanted in an action movie because it just never occurred to me that it might exist. Two female leads! One of them is black! Eighty. Five. Percent female representation behind the scenes. 85%! Amazing character beats. Everyone has their own arc and motivations. No stereotyping. It's just beautiful.

And then there's Joe and Nicky. 

I have never related so hard to characters or to a relationship in my life. I love my badass immortal husbands so much. It's ridiculous. I could gush for hours. I'm nothing like them, of course. I identify as a mostly straight, mostly cis, so white I reflect sunlight (though I hope I'm at least an ally to BIPOC) woman. There's nothing particularly badass about me. But I still relate like hell to these characters. 

I love to laugh like Joe, and completely understand his protective instincts. And then there's Nicky. I relate to him more than any character I can think of currently. I'm introverted and can be kind of intense, but I'm also patient, kind, and nurturing. And if anyone does anything to hurt my family, especially my kids, I can rip you apart with just my words. (Seriously, I think my mother in law is afraid of me now after she got a talking to when I called her out for being shitty to my spouse. Our relationship is Much Better now). 

Most importantly, I am deeply in love with my wonderful spouse who happens to be a trans woman. 

And guys, I'm angry.

Remember, I'm an old. I've been searching for scraps hinting at any kind of queer love story in all kinds of media for decades. And I'm angry because I shouldn't have had to. 

I shouldn't have to read into a maybe not on purpose significant glance. I shouldn't have gotten excited when two characters grabbed each other in anger because clearly they're so in love. I shouldn't have been delighted when an actor bit his lip to hint at a love story in film, or that a writer said that a character was gay years after the books were written. I made myself believe that those little bits of subtext were enough and somehow better than getting it outright because then we can tell our own stories, right guys? I preferred reading fan fiction because I could think of the hot guys I wanted to pair up in the way I wanted. I even stopped watching a lot of gay movies because they were always so sad and full of strife, and I just couldn't relate to them. I just wanted my fluffy romantic comedies. Fan fiction was literally the only place that I could see any kind of healthy queer relationship.

Which is how I got to be almost forty and still identifying as mostly straight even though I'm in a queer as hell relationship. In each of these canon stories, the character's sexuality was part of the conflict, and I was never particularly conflicted about mine. I just liked who I liked and craved a healthy, stable relationship. Or when I did see characters like Klaus in Umbrella Academy (who I love) who is comfortable with their sexuality, he's also so fantastically ridiculous that I can only laugh or cringe at him. I enjoyed many of these stories, but still related more to the Jane Austen heroines I saw in straight stories even while I preferred to chill by reading about say... John and Rodney accidentally making a baby or something.

And then Joe and Nicky come along. And they're beautiful. They're a goddamn interracial, interfaith, committed, happy, unkillable gay couple. In canon. They are the most married. They're 900 plus years of married. Their sexuality and relationship are incredibly important to who they are and to the story without being the conflict of the story. Or without being a walking stereotype of one thing or other. Instead, you have two men casually stating their love for each other, blatantly declaring it, cuddling, and kissing all while they each have their own stories, skills, and motivations. 

I have literally never seen that before. Except at home, in my own house, where my spouse and I get to be our own people, but then support each other, tease each other, and cuddle at the end of the day. It was beautiful to see something that reflected the kind of love I always wanted and now get to have. In canon, on screen. Seeing Joe and Nicky's love makes me so deliriously happy that I'm incredibly angry I've never seen anything like that on screen before. Just imagine what it would have been like seeing that kiss in a crowded theater.

So why am I writing this? Because this movie is important. It's so goddamn important. I'm so happy it exists. And I want you all to know the actual weight of all the years of going without characters like this. What it means to say that I'm furious that I've never seen this before after decades of searching. How ridiculous it is that I still identify as mostly straight possibly because I've never really seen nuanced, flawed, real queer characters before. Instead, I've imagined and created evidence of gay relationships from nothing while ignoring the awful canon hetero relationships my favorite shows have forced on us. All while still unironically sighing over Mr Darcy and Clueless. I'm tired, y'all.

I want to see all the stories with all the people in various configurations. Romances, action, sci fi, fantasy, everything. The Old Guard did it. And they did it well. I'm done with the queer baiting. I don't think I can look at many of the fandoms I have loved throughout the years the same way again. I'm incredibly grateful to Gina Prince-Bythewood, Greg Rucka, Marwan Kanzari, Luca Marinelli, and the rest of the cast and crew for bringing me these already beloved characters. It's so refreshing to finally get what I've really wanted all these years. Representation absolutely fucking matters. 

And now? I'm gonna go back to being a lurker. I'll read all the Old Guard fanfiction I can. I'll watch all the movies, read all the comics because I want more stories like this, dammit. I'll probably go back to giggling over and overanalyzing little character moments in all kinds of fandoms again. Mostly, I'll just go back to quietly taking care of my little family. And I might post something again in another couple of decades when my kids are off to college. And God, do I hope it doesn't take another couple decades to get more characters like this. I hope that my kids get all kinds of stories I never did growing up so that they can figure out who they are and who they relate to before they're almost forty frigging years old. It's about goddamn time.

Thank you for listening to my TED talk.

[fucker-anon]

Bloody Painter Headcanons

am i gonna write about helen even tho no one cares? fUCK YEA @creepy-bi-day hope you enjoy. Im still not a writer sorry :/. also my personal hcs, its okay to disagree. Also dark themes again. 

Bloody Painter

Backstory:

was born on Oct 1st, 1980, fully name Helen Otis

mother is white, father is Japanese

is an only child. Helen’s parents had a very difficult time in getting pregnant like yeeeaaars (10 ish) and they also really wanted a girl. Like in their head, they would be getting a girl. and when they did get pregnant the ultra scan did show a girl. so they were in shock when a boy popped out. 

they no likely. Since helen’s mom was a teacher, they decided to raise the boy as a girl and simply homeschool them until they had to go to college, once there they could simply transition into a girl. This is how they thought trans people were so they thought they’ll do the same to get a girl (This was obliviously wrong)

so they tried to do that but mother couldn’t get the needed forms and paperwork to homeschool Helen so they had to go to school. so their parents decided the best thing to do was to make them as manly as possible in 6 months. so everything pink and girl (lots of which were comfort items like plushies, and art things) were thrown out in front of poor 6 year old Helen who didn’t understand what was happening. Helen couldn’t do art, couldn’t wear certain clothes, couldn’t say certain things. punishments weren’t physical but there was a lot of yelling.

around the 3 month before school started, their parents decided that maybe Helen should meet their grandparents (parents kept giving excuses why they couldn’t visit). everything was going swell until the grandparents on the father’s side asked why name their BOY a GIRL name. before the parents could say anything, helen said “cause im a girl?” ... yaaaa queerphobic grandparents and little helen didn’t get along. plus helen was white passing so asian grandparents blamed their mom.

parents cut contact with the grandparents, and yelled at helen a lot. (poor bby) this mental abuse continued over 3 months and caused helen to stop talking and start repressing a lot of his feeling which his parents encouraged cause “”bOYs donT hAve fEeLinGs””

in school, the parents told the teacher that there was a mix up when filling out his name and that they should call him Otis. Of course one teacher messed up and called him Helen, and then they got a lot of comments form their peers, but they learned not to say that they were a girl at this point. 

helen was lightly bullied for his name, and when they tried to tell a teacher they were told to “man up :))” 

and so more repressing feelings

it wasn’t until middle school where someone (a kid who they later learned was named tom), stole and planted a watch of another girl into helen’s bag. This meant helen’s bullying got a lot worse. Before it was a comment here or there, now it was physical and a lot often. this is also when he began to develop symptoms of anxiety and depression.

he slowly became friends with Tom, who was also bullied a lot. But one day Tom took Helen to the roof where Tom confessed into planting the watch. Helen was very upset, and the two started to argue when Tom slipped off the edge, Helen tried to hold on to Tom, but Tom let go of his hand. Tom dead.

there was an investigation done, and Helen wasn’t in trouble as some students and teachers said how they saw him hold onto Tom. The school was given a speech about how bullying was bad, and tried to get things back to normal. Helen’s bully did die down, tho lots of ppl tried to spread rumors about how he pushed Tom. 

his parents were more upset over how this would look and not about Helen’s mental health. Helen never told them about the bulling. 

When high school started, the bullies acted as if nothing happened. and on Halloween, Helen snapped and killed 5 of the main bullies. He was caught and sent to a mental hospital. 

so you think that finally, Helen can get the help they need right :)). ahhah no....

so the hospital did diagnose Helen with depression and a mild case of anxiety, but basically put them on pills. the actually therapist had a very hard time getting Helen to open up. this is because the on their first session helen started with his gender identity, and the therapist told him “look you are biologically a boy, so you must be a boy :))” and when they said that sometimes he felt more comfortable when they were more fem, they was told that was wrong. 

so helen shut up like a clam cause they did not feel safe with this guy

at least they learned how to somewhat manage their depression and anxiety :)

once helen turned 18 he was released, and Helen decided to be an artist and not kill. but he saw another one of his bullies and said fuck it.

slender saw and was like “i like this child. imma adopt them”

and Helen joined the mansion

Personality:

look Helen was mocked and betrayed by basically every person in their life, they don’t trust ppl

they are nice, but they don’t new people

if you’re nice they’ll be nice, if you’re mean they’ll be mean, simple

cold hearted, look if you are neutral to them and get run over by car they wont do anything. the world was shit to them, they’re shit back.

quiet. like Helen could be inches away and you still won’t hear them

buttttt if you get close (good luck) you see a passionate, kinda nerdy, very kinda touch starved, sarcastic person who just lived a shitty life. 

Fun Facts:

k mans has a 6 inch dick, 7 when hard, but is thick, and stretches you out-

*cough* moving on-

bi sexual. Helen has a very hard time acknowledging romantic feelings but is down to date the girls, gays and theys. again good luck getting there but it may happen.

gender fluid Helen has come a long way and their gender identity has ranged from girl, boy, both, none and yes. They’ve settled on gender-neutral pronouns but doesn’t hate being called she/her or he/him usually. On a bad day, they can’t say the same. 

Called them painter. The only ppl who can called them by their birth names are ppl who are close to them. On fem days, they like Helen. On masc days, they like Otis. Sometimes they don’t care, sometimes they just wanna be called painter. If you’re not sure and you actually care just ask, he’ll say what day it is. usually they dress accordingly, but still if you’re not sure ask, they’ll prefer it.

Speaking of clothes, the fit??? is on point???? like imagine dark academia with more blues, blacks and tans. Helen looks like the protagonist of a boarding school au.

they will wear skirt and dresses and corsets, and do they’re (slightly basic) hair and makeup.

some creeps (jeff) tried to make fun of helen for this. And when you look at Helen you dont think that they’re much of a fight. Helen’s lean and kinda thin (kid doesn’t eat a lot), but Helen did karate for year cause their dad wanted their “perfectly normal son” to do something manly and kinda close to their culture. Helen learned how to fight with a very good guard and how to be very fast but not so much strong. Wasn’t until he got out of the mental hospital did he learn about pressure points, specially those that dont need a lot pressure :) you see where this is going. 

Basically Helen is that one movie character who touches a spot on someone's neck and they pass out. (this is the best i can describe it, they dont do this exactly but similar things) 

also very talented at art and arty things. like annoyingly good. he’ll try wood craving and make amazing things after only learning about it an hour ago. Current draws online and does online commissions to pay for his coffee

actually likes hunting, not with gun but with like bows an arrows. they dont hunt often cause they like animals

has to finish whatever they’re working on. please force this baby into bed

has a coffee addiction

likes classical music and lofi. 

dont talk about the whole painting with blood thing, they were 14, it was cringey, they know

hair is like chin length ish, its black with waves, so if they wanna be masc they can tie it up and when its fem, they can let it down and straighten it 

forgets to eat, feed them

k this is long. As you can see I can also write a whole essay about Helen. I will write about Helen’s and Johnny friendship, along with the other creeps later. but im tired. 

[kenbunshokus]

this is a (super late) update to this fic rec post! i was planning to just keep editing and updating that post, but it’s been so old it no longer appears on tumblr search system and all, so here we are. be ready for some old school zosans in the mix

all complete

absolute favorites will be noted with a ♡

list will be updated as i find more

story count: 30 fics

last update: jan 5th 2020

CANON-VERSE

Goings On by clarify  ♡

Zoro and Sanji understand each other, and sometimes have a very similar sense of humor. Even though they're worlds ahead of most, sometimes they can't help but to act their age.

easily one of my favorites. zoro and sanji are completely in character, being themselves and comfortable in each other’s spaces. for anyone who thinks zoro and sanji can’t get along in canon, this fic can easily prove them wrong.

Part Timer by 8ball ♡♡

Sanji really, really doesn't want to give Zoro a job at his restaurant. Zoro doesn't really even want to work there in the first place, but, well, there’s this thing with Sanji, and this thing with feelings and the whole thing is pretty damn stupid all together.

Zeff just wants grandkids. He’s too old for this bullshit anyways.

a wonderful, heart-wrenching, roller coaster ride of a post-series fic. this fic is not just a mere fic — it’s a zosan magnum opus with guest appearances by so many other characters, lots of crew hijinks and a must-read for everyone who craves for a happy ending for these good boys.

Say It Again by 8ball

Zoro tells Sanji how he feels. And then again. And again. 

since we’re talking about 8ball i just want you to know i’d rec everything they’ve ever written, but special mention to say it again — a classic miscommunication trope fic done well where the miscommunication stems from fundamental misunderstanding of each other’s principles and views instead of just some plot-convenient coincidences. and soft zoro. god, he is soft.

The Wedding Night by cuethe-pulse (lj)

Zoro had never expected any of this.

major character death warning. don’t let the first few scenes fool you. note the warning; the last few lines were like a punch in the gut for me, except, you know, the good kind of punch. also, a quick rec of a drabble by the same author to soothe the pain after this one.

Roronoa Zoro: World’s Greatest Bug Killer by insaneidiot ♡

Sometimes, Zoro's life really sucks. He should've known better than to make fun of Sanji's bug phobia, though...

zoro’s internal monologue is hilarious  — until today, this author is still my go-to expert on zoro’s voice, especially his more sarcastic side.

Quitting’s Easy by insaneidiot

Sanji decides to quit smoking. This is not quite so easy as he thinks it will be. Also, his crewmates (excluding Robin and Nami, of course!) are assholes.

fun, fun strawhat hijinks and oblivious sanji. the crew dynamics and especially sanji’s voice are pitch perfect. there’s a hint of luffy/nami that you can easily scroll past if it’s not your thing.

I can’t stop thinking that i can’t stop thinking by hieiandshino ♡

In which Brook changes tactics and Zoro is not amused. Everyone else is, though.

holy shit is this fic hilarious. i love comedy fics that manage to slip in thoughtful observations and character study in between the hijinks, and this fic pulls that off with flying colors. 

The Walls See All by threesipsmore

Reiju hides a snail cam in her brother's room.

fun short fic from reiju’s pov. there’s never enough zosan set in whole cake island arc and this fic delivers.

Stormbird by Judin ♡

The Straw Hats' first landing in the New World is on Arashi Island, where it looks like they'll be spending a fun week attending the local festival and making new friends. Until they spot a strange pirate ship in the harbour, and Sanji starts behaving oddly. The Straw Hats become entangled with the mysterious Gently Pirates, a crew that harbour many secrets, and whose captain is a man out of Sanji's past who has the power to tear the Straw Hat crew apart. 

it cannot be overstated how wonderful this fic is, and how it could’ve fit into the canon just nicely, like a better-written one piece movie, except with zosan. not only are sanji and zoro in character, every strawhat gets a spotlight and has pitch-perfect voices. brook is especially lovely in this fic.

Unintended Consequence by itsmylifekay

A group of marines charge, Zoro slices through them, and in that instant Sanji feels his own eyes grow wide. Because there, on the arm now outstretched towards him, steel glinting in hand, is the stupid bracelet he’d given Zoro. The bastard is actually wearing it.

there’s a reason this is the most kudo-ed zosan fic on ao3 right now — it’s so soft without being ooc, and there’s a quiet undercurrent of affection laid throughout the fic that will warm you up from the insides.

Somewhere Between Sorrow and Bliss by srididdledeedee

Sanji has never cared for winter.

He can see himself, is the thing. There are bits and pieces that poke through, but it’s not all him. It’s like staring in a fractured mirror. He knows, intellectually, that the person staring back at him is himself, but his face is splintered and his shape is distorted and his body is wrong.

a fantastic character study on trans!sanji and how he comes to terms with his identity with the help of his crewmates. supportive strawhats are always a lovely addition to a zosan fic

Give In To Love by libbylune

Zoro knows better than to think about it too much, but between the rowdy festivals and ancient unexplained temples on this island, it's hard to forget about wanting Sanji.

i love how this fic puts as much focus on the boys after the confession as it does before the confession. a good case fic with its own unique island adventure and i’m always a sucker for soft!zoro

Laundry by libbylune

Dealing with Sanji makes Zoro develop a lot of opinions about clothes.

there’s absolutely nothing hotter than bi!sanji who’s completely comfortable with his gender identity and sexuality. also gay disaster zoro fumbling his words whenever sanji is around is 1) accurate 2) hilarious.

Language of Swords by HaveMyWeedCookies ♡

It took them for a while but finally, Zoro asked if Sanji wanted to hold his sword.

i love fics that explore zoro’s relationship with his craft and his swords, and adding zosan into the mix is something i didn’t know i needed. an interesting outsiders pov zosan in the pov of zoro’s swords.

Ghost of a Chance by sabershadowkat

“I know, for sure, that I didn’t expect to miss everyone so much, including you.” Sanji cut a glance at Zoro and rephrased correctly, “Especially you.”

this fic handles tropes that are usually associated with character death fics, but manages to end it with a happy ending. zoro’s devotion here is heart-wrenching.

Idiot Romance by sabershadowkat

"This has to be a joke," Sanji muttered, poking at the colored petals. Zoro couldn't have just given him flowers.

a classic  — this is literally the first zosan fic i’ve ever read — and a lovely one at that. sanji is oblivious and zoro attempts romance, not that zoro ever needed to.

festival night by thisislegit

“ANOTHER FEAT BY THE WORLD’S STRONGEST MAN, JORIRI.” The woman turned to Mr. Mohawk and with faux sympathy said, “Oh! Sorry, sir. Maybe next time. We can’t always beat the best, but we can do our best and that’s what matters. Do we have any other takers? ANY OTHER TAKERS READY FOR THE STRONG MAN CHALLENGE? HOW ABOUT YOU SIR? MADAM? YOU OVER THERE? ARE YOU INTERESTED?”

“What kind of shit name is Joriri,” said Zoro and Sanji in unison.

i’m an absolute sucker for fics that have zoro and sanji simply hanging out and enjoying each other’s company, comfortable in a way they couldn’t with their other crewmates, and this fic exemplifies that. just them being little shits and having fun with one another.

No Victory in Hesitation & the Past Has Its Lessons by EudaimonErisornae & vageege

Zoro has a lot of things he wants to say to Sanji, but he just needs one more day. || Zoro tries to fix a mistake he made in the past.

major character death warning. i died a little bit inside after reading this tbh. there are some devil fruits-explained time travel hijinks, but mostly it’s this looming, grim inevitability of death that’s written so pervasively throughout the fic that really got me.

Imperatives by dollcewrites

Zoro is confident in saying that Sanji is a man who doesn’t do what he’s told. Which is why, when a command accidentally slips from Zoro’s lips during foreplay, he is expecting to hear the cook’s scoff as he continues to do what he pleases.

i don’t tend to do pwp, but this isn’t just one — it’s a completely in-character piece about their relationship and dynamics.

when you say by bluewalk ♡

It's a long time in coming. Usopp can promise, but.

this fic is as much sanuso as it is zosan, and usopp here is — still very much usopp, but also a very beautiful take on his character as someone who spent a lot of time behind sanji’s back, and realizes that when he watches sanji’s back, he gets to see zoro’s, too.

a complete guide to falling in love by ThousandSunny

Sanji was trained in the Bridal Arts; this does not go unnoticed by the rest of his crew.

while the main ship is still zosan, the fic also focuses a lot on zoro and sanji’s relationship with the rest of the crew, and it’s one of those fics that really makes you realize how much of a family the strawhats is. a lovely read all around.

destructivity is a poison that run through our veins by wasteofmind

Zoro thinks that, someday, they are going to kill each other.

a dysfunctional take of their relationship. it’s fascinating in the same way a car crash is fascinating  — there’s an undercurrent of something violent, something visceral. this is one of the fics that inspired me to write migratory animals.

ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

Ocean’s Child by 8ball  ♡

Here's the truth: Zoro couldn't swim. He fell in the water and sank like a stone because there had never been anyone to teach him how to move his arms. He forgot that if he screamed for help the water would get in his mouth, and he even opening his eyes hurt.

Here’s the other truth, the one that stays a secret: a mermaid saved him.

a fascinating retelling of the one piece canon with mermaid!sanji. it feels a lot like a love letter to the seas, and it’s mesmerizing how sanji’s mermaid backstory is seamlessly weaved into the one piece canon.

with you by Cirro

How to find your life partner in three easy steps: 1. Punch them in the face 2. Insult their cognitive abilities 3. Embarrass them so much they agree to marry you

a wholesome two-part modern au series. my personal favorite is the second part, where sanji brings zoro home to meet zeff — complete with the two of them teasing sanji in their own ways.

The Proper Reaction (or What To Do When Your Son Brings His Boyfriend Home by three_days_late

Holidays at the Baratie were always hectic, but it's nothing Zeff can't handle. Sanji's new boyfriend, on the other hand...

on the topic of meet-the-family: the only thing more fun than zoro meeting zeff is zoro meeting zeff and the entirety of baratie staff. also includes one of my favorite line about bi!sanji: “sanji loves nice girls and bad boys”.

Exclusive by cuethe-pulse

Zoro loves Sanji, Sanji loves Zoro. Zoro wants to be exclusive, so Sanji should, too. Right?

this is a circus/bakery au. yes, you read that right, and yes, it works. i went into this fic with a lot of doubts and came out very satisfied with how fleshed out everyone in this au is, and i’m forever in awe with how the author can set up an entirely separate, vivid universe with so few words.

Delivery by styx_in_the_mud

Sanji is stuck delivering pizzas when Patty is out of commission for a while. Zoro likes to order pizza after training. Both of them are sort of idiots, but Zoro can be smooth as fuck if he puts his mind to it.

a fun, in-character au with good ol’ banter and cute get-together.

The End of It All by xpiester333xx

Humans have been forced underground due to the effects of a chemical weapon that has made surface life impossible. Sanji lives in one of these underground colonies and though he dreams of bigger things his life has been mundane; spent following strict rules and obeying higher commands. Or it was, until a stranger shows up and changes everything.

the author labelled it as sci-fi au, but I personally think it’s more dystopian-like? either way, while this fic is on the long side, it manages to keep everyone in character until the very end, which is something that can’t be said for a lot of fics.

well, there we go! feel free to drop me an ask if you want to rec me fics or ask for a more specific/themed rec list; i’ll also update this post regularly !!

i also have an ao3 donutsandcoffee if you want to see my take on these dorks o/

[readersguidetotheuniverse]

TOP 10 PRIDE EDITION

June is LGBT pride month internationally, a very needed celebration to remind everyone that LGBTIQ+ people exist, their feelings are identity are valids and they deserve the same rights and recognition as anyone else. Today is the day chosen in many countries to celebrate the Pride and, also, today marks the 50th anniversary of the very first Pride parade in New York City, after the Stonewall riots in 1969. A very special day in an already very special month. So we thought, what better way to honor this beautiful celebration than to share some of the best LGBT young adult novels of recent years?

I don’t consider myself LGBT, but I do love reading LGBT stories. I personally believe it’s important to read stories of/by people from different backgrounds and going through different struggles than our own. It’s important to educate ourselves, especially considering how f*cked up the world is and how slowly we advance in terms of human rights. Reading these stories may help you understand the way other people see the world and how the world sees them. And we could do with a little more empathy and kindness these days, to be honest.

So far, I have mostly read stories with gay/bisexual male characters, so I will focus on that for this post, but I will continue educating myself reading stories with trans characters, lesbian characters, non-binary characters, etc…

Here’s my TOP 10 gay YA novels:

#10: Autoboyography, by Christina Lauren

Christina Lauren are great just in general so a book of theirs is always a great choice. About this one, I just loved it. Very well written, one of those books you just want to keep reading and when you get to the end you wish you would’ve gone a bit slower so it wouldn’t be over so soon. I love that the main character is bisexual, cause these books mostly include gay men but very rarely bisexual men and they deserve representation too!

#9: Captive Prince, by C.S. Pacat

This series is not for everyone, let me warn you now. It does touch some very delicate, controversial issues (rape, slavery, abuse…) but I promise you, it is way better than it sounds and I’m sure it’s better than you imagine. It’s dark and intense and passionate but tender at times, especially around the third book. You’ll have to wait for romance but it’ll be worth your while. If you give it a chance, keeping an open mind, it may surprise you.

#8: Two Boys Kissing, by David Levithan

Today it’s very easy to find amazing LGBT YA books but a few years back it was way harder, simply because there was no market or opportunities for them. This one I consider a classic among these great new LGBT novels for teens or young adults. A good story that really gives visibility and history of LGBT people the importance that they deserve. I also recommend checking out other David Levithan books, he’s got many great novels!

#7: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda, by Becky Albertalli

You probably heard about this one already, considering how well its movie did: Love, Simon. So well that they’ve done a TV show inspired by it, too! This is absolutely one of the must reads on coming out and finding your place in the world. Simon and Blue are cute as can be and the rest of the characters are also great, some even got their own book! You’ll love all of them and will root for Simon and Blue from minute 1. The movie is also really good and funny!

#6: Heartstopper, by Alice Oseman

This comic series (or graphic novels, however you wanna call it) is the cutest I’ve ever seen, I swear to god. It will warm your heart and will have you smiling through the whole thing and you’ll just wish for more. The characters are so relatable, their story is just adorable and the drawings are so lovely. Even if you are not into graphic novels, this one is almost a must. There are three volumes out, volumes 3 and 4 are expected for 2021 and 2022, and I’m already desperate for them.

#5: Red, White & Royal Blue, by Casey McQuiston

This is the most recent one of the bunch. A really good, fresh, modern story that defies classic values and the status quo and just makes you happy. This book has been so well received, has won many awards, and I’m so happy about it, because it’s rare to see LGBT books being recognized as romance novels and not in their own separated category. And it’s time to recognize that romance is romance no matter who you are and appreciate good stories. She’s got a new book coming next year and I just can’t wait to have it.

#4: They Both Die at the End, by Adam Silvera

This is not your typical LGBT story. Well, I don’t think this is typical in any sense, and that’s the appeal of it. In case the title is not enough for you, I can assure you this story is very original and well written. This is not a love story per se, this is a story about life, and love’s a part of it. The characters are so cute and realistic. You’ll wish page after page that the title got it wrong. If you like it, I also recommend checking out other Adam Silvera books like History Is All You Left Me and More Happy Than Not. They’re unconventional and great, too!

#3: Carry On, by Rainbow Rowell

This is basically Harry Potter if Harry Potter was gay. Kind of bordering gay Harry Potter fanfiction. And it’s magnificent. The magic and fantasy of the Harry Potter world with the inclusion that modern world craves and lovable characters you won’t get enough of. A bit of enemies to lovers as well, which I just love. If you like fantasy, this is definitely for you. I promise you, you’ll love it. It has a sequel I’m dying to read and there are more on the way!

#2: HIM, by Elle Kennedy and Sarina Bowen

This is possibly the most mature book on this list and one of my absolute favorite books ever. For starters, I love their writing style. Also they give us both characters’ point of view so we get a full picture of the story, which is great. We can see two young adults figuring themselves out, what they feel, who they are, in a sports world where LGBT people are not usually welcome. And it’s just fantastic. The sequels are also really good.

#1: Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

This, right here, is one of the best books I have ever read. Period. Nothing I can say will suffice. The story is so human, the characters are so real and go through so much and you feel every little bit of it. So relatable, adorable, painful sometimes, but mostly just pure emotion. The only thing I missed in this book is more pages, I just want more and more. I just couldn’t stop reading so it was over too soon! But no worries, there’s a sequel in the making!

Happy Pride! Whoever you are and whoever you love, happy reading!

[r0de0s]

wraith hcs time babey!

first off! her name is rene watanabe--white wraith doesnt vibe w me, especially since she has a kunai as her heirloom. i just wanna get that out of the way

when wraith finds out who she used to be (through the recording in the voidwalker event), she doesn’t see herself as rene. in her mind, wraith and rene are two different people

because of this, there’s a disconnect with her past self, her current self, and her body. she knows in a literal sense that Yes, This Is Her Body but at the same time... it doesn’t feel like it’s hers.

when wraith looks into the mirror she doesn’t fully know who or what she is. and she feels a little guilt because it’s like she stole this body from rene--she took everything from her, whether or not it was rene’s choice to do the experiments because she knows she didn’t sign up to have her life be erased and replaced by a hollow shell of herself

there are scars on her body that she recognizes and knows where they came from, but the rest are a complete mystery to her. it’s her body, but she doesn’t understand it because it was rene’s first

she doesn’t like to be called rene. in her mind, they’re different people and she doesn’t want to think about it more than she already does

wraith covers up as much of her skin as possible.

she hates skirts or dresses; she wears long-sleeves and coats and pants, even when it’s extremely hot. she wears gloves, too.

it takes a lot for her to pull back the layers. you have to be really close to her, and even then she’s still hiding parts of her--like with the gloves. sometimes it’s a sensory thing but other times, she just can’t take them off

(she also wears turtleneck sweaters! i just think it’s cute)

wraith craves physical contact, but is also repulsed by it

for her to be okay with someone touching her, she truly has to trust them and know them and feel perfectly safe with them. and that takes a lot of time

from her time in the facility, she’s gotten used to one way of living (isolation, not depending on anybody, most physical contact being controlling and/or aggressive). she’s scared to live a different way, one that’s safe and loving and where she can feel okay

after wraith finds out that she started the project wraith experiment, she definitely feels guilt. she doesn’t know or remember if there are any others who are being experimented on. she has no clue if she’s done this anyone else. and i truly think that if there are other experiments going on, she would do her damnedest to stop it

wraith doesn’t want vengeance or revenge, but she’s going to do everything she can to stop the experiments (if there are experiments that are going on)

she’d probably sacrifice herself for it if she had to because the thought of letting these kinds of experiments continue--the same kind that ruined her life--is absolutely mortifying to her

it’s out of a mix of horrible guilt and genuinely wanting to save people, but she’s still going to do all she can.

im just rambling abt the concept but . wraith cares about other people and if they have to go through everything she’s been through, she will want to bring it to an end. no matter what it may cost her--even if it’s her own Life

wraith values those she loves and cares for higher than herself

in her mind, wraith isn’t much of anything. she’s of little value and importance, so everyone else that she genuinely loves and cares about comes first

it’s a bit of a hazard--she’ll take risks for people she wouldn’t normally take. it comes at the cost of her own health, inside and out of the games

wraith does the same things rene did, without being fully aware of it

rene loved physics and really getting to know about it, so wraith takes interest in it--even remembering small and vague details about it despite not really remembering anything about it

wraith curiously knows how to play piano, because rene played piano since she was very young so it’s a part of weird muscle memory

the voices. are the worst

the voices are constantly there; the volume ranges from minor buzzing to loud warnings, like in the games

when the voices are just barely a whisper, they’re constantly talking because of the endless amount of possibilities.

when she’s doing something, it’s easier to not hear those voices because they’re just quiet enough for whatever wraith is busy with to shut them out

but when it’s late at night and she can’t sleep, she can hear all of them. it used to be really horrible, where there wasn’t a moment of peace but she’s gotten so used to it that it’s become routine

wraith has had to deal with long periods (normally lasting from weeks to months) of feeling. absolutely nothing

pain still hurts, yet she feels so disconnected. she deals with depression and anxiety (alongside ptsd)

wraith rarely ever sleeps, so she just takes a lot of naps whenever she can

she also sleeps w her kunai under her pillow. to feel safe

my version of wraith is modeled/based off of meiko kaji! she just has the vibes, especially from movies like female prisoner scorpion

the games are doing a Number on wraith’s mental health, but it’s not something she will willingly admit or talk about (unless she Really, Really trusts someone enough to talk abt it)

wraith wears her hair down a lot outside of the games; she has to pull it up so it wont get in her face, but otherwise she doesnt wanna deal w it lol .. im a little gay. i can have this as a treat

wraith is a trans bi woman. i shant elaborate

and thats it for now . i have a lot of feelings abt miss wraith 😔

[gayasinstupidpodcast]

What’s up gamers!!! Our fourth episode plowed through the chaos of thanksgiving holidays and is Here w/ some Facts and Opinions about creating shit and being LGBT and how being LGBT influences creating shit. HEADS UP we recorded this while I had a cold so my voice is probably a little off, but ik Isaac put SO much work into the editing so it would be ready on time and we have recorded statements from some amazing artists (transcriptions under the cut below!) & this is honestly one of my favorite episodes we’ve done so far, so give her a listen if you’re gay or enjoy fun things!

BIG thank you once again to everyone who participated in this month’s episode!! Your contributions are so valued and so beautiful!!

You can find us on the Itunes Podcast App/Webpage at Gay As In Stupid Podcast! You can also find our episodes uploaded to Youtube and Soundcloud!

You can also follow us on twitter at gayasinstupid!

Further Reading on LGBT Artists

Montage of a Queering Deferred: Memory, Ownership, and Archival Silencing in the Rhetorical Biography of Langston Hughes

The Political Provocations of Keith Haring 

Pop art politics: Activism of Keith Haring 

E M Forster’s Gay Fiction

Alok Vaid-Menon Tells Us What It’s Like To Be Femme In Public

Shea Diamond Speaks Her Truth

Aaron’s 2018 November Recs!

Alok Alok Vaid-Menon is one of my favorite poet/activist/performance artists out there! Their writing and stage presence is gorgeous and witty in a way that’s SO clever and still feels like you’re in a room trading jokes you don’t need to explain with your closest trans friends. The way they balance their art creates a real, deeply touching experience that feels very essential to our world.

Miles (2016) Miles is set in 1999 and is a coming of age story about a gay teenager trying to get a volleyball scholarship for college in Chicago. It’s not revolutionary and it’s not over the top dramatic, but it’s funny and honest and it makes me feel nice. Definitely the movie to watch when you’ve just been through something emotionally taxing and need a light crying session and some mediocre pastries.

Isaac’s 2018 November Recs!

The Adventure Zone I know half of you already kin the Mcelroys while the other half either don’t know or don’t care, but the Adventure Zone is one of my most favorite things in the world. It’s a DND podcast (yes, all episodes are transcribed, and they have a graphic novel for the first arc of Balance with a second one on the way!) by three brothers plus their dad, and not only does it have the most amazing story and is ungodly funny, but TONS of gays (Griffin went ape with those Lesbian NPCS)! And just because they can! Same with trans characters. It’s a story where they just exist, and that’s really important to me because in a lot of media LGBT have to almost prove why they deserve to take up space. And it’s not just something that goes on in their first campaign, Amnesty also has those sweet sweet gay! I could talk about this podcast for hours, so if you needed that final push to give it a listen, THIS IS IT!

Stardew Valley You get to farm and be gay. And if THAT hasn’t sold you on this charming video game, then maybe the super cute graphics, beautiful soundtrack and a handful of interesting characters will! TBH I spend so much time playing this game it’s concerning. It’s just such a fun way to relax, and I just really REALLY like video games were I can chose to be gay. Like. God Tier. YOU CAN HAVE CROPS AND CHICKENS AND BE GAY C’MON YALL!!

The Amazing Quotes And Artists Featured!

Meg | instagram | esty

“My identity as a bisexual woman influences my art in many ways. As a woman, i create art about the issues that effect me, such as abortion and gender equality, in order to resonate with the people that matter most to me. As a bisexual individual, my subjects often appear from a gaze that falls outside of the stereotypical eye. My figure drawings and portraits all come from a place of admiration, and don’t fall into the stereotype of the male gaze or womanly care- they are the space inbetween, equally sexualized and normalized. I feel lucky to be a bi gal in the art world because it is a place that is my own to create in. There are so many queer artists that i look up to such as Mapplethorpe and Warhol, and many female artists i can cite as influence (Jenny Holzer, Kiki Smith, and Louise Bourgeois to name a few). My identity gives me a whole new world of content to draw from and allows my work to resonate with a wider audience, and I really think that any artists goal is to reach and touch as many people as possible.“  

Cameron | twitter | instagram 

“I don’t think that it influences the form really, but it definitely influences the subject matter! (Much as I hate to admit it, my identity influences the majority of choices I make in life.) I write a lot of poems about lgbtq related things and religion, as well as other stuff too. I was raised catholic, so realizing that I was “different” at more than one point in my teen years was scary AF. Being a member of the lgbtq+ community and also trying to still feel like I belong, or wanting to, in a religious community is hard, the two things are usually at a crossroads in my life so writing about them makes it easier for me to get through. My hope is that someday someone reads what I wrote and finds some peace in their own life/experience.” 

Vince | art instagram

“Well, being transgender I feel like I’m constantly aware of the lack of representation of my community, and I feel like it might be because of that I tend to experiment with showing all sorts of different type of people in my work. Because there’s so much diversity in the world, why not showcase that?”

Fox | art instagram  

“Oof…I’m gay so my characters always be gay. Gotta Fill the void in media w my own bullshit so I don’t have to rely on straight showrunners who will inevitably discard the character since they themselves seem to have no personal attachment and treat lgbt characters as disposable extras. Bc if I don’t at least attempt to create representation in the field I’m going into then I can’t rlly complain about the lack of it right? If I don’t try and change it I can’t complain about the lack of change so being an lgbt artist is lowkey Big Pressure to be revolutionary in your work but sometime…..I just wanna draw funkey animeal and that’s aight too”

Jen | twitter | instagram

“As a female bisexual poet, I worry often that my poetry and art will be too niche to be appreciated. I’ve spent years editing my poetry down to its barest bones in hopes that someone will relate to it. Changing pronouns back and forth because I worry that if I do talk about a woman, the poem will be stripped of its context and suddenly be about my queerness when in reality it never was. When I write about love and people I have dated and have crushed on, I want the poem to exist outside of the gender of who I love. I fear my authorial death will result in a complete misinterpretation of what I mean. When I write, it truly does not matter to me if I am writing about a woman or a man. If I feel what I write and I can make someone else feel it too does it matter that I also love women? I write what matters to me overall, regardless of gender, I try to make my poetry as true as possible. Sometimes, when I catch myself over editing I try to take myself back to the moment, to the person, what I loved about him or her. “

Lain | art instagram

“My LGBT Identity has significantly impacted almost all of my art, especially my work over the last two years. Ever since I have allowed myself to accept that I am trans and began my transition (6 months on T!), the impact that my Roman Catholic upbringing has had on my bisexual trans identity has bled into my artwork. Because of the way I was raised, accepting and allowing myself to be authentic has been an upward struggle. And what better way to process and document struggle than art?  

Much of my recent work has had a focus on the trans body, particularly the “sanctity” of self-actualization and the god-like power that comes with accepting and creating yourself in the unique and exceptional way that LGBT people must in order to live authentically. Two of my pieces on this topic were actually recently exhibited at UWM in the Trans-lucent exhibition, and will remain there until December 15th (I think). I got sick and tired of never seeing trans representation, so now I am creating that space that I crave in my own work.”

Kobe | instagram | soundcloud

“My art from is very influenced by my LGBT identity. It is very influenced by my LGBT black Identity. I think that whenever an artist makes their art (in my case writing music, singing, dancing) they should incorporate as much of themselves as possible. I think my LGBT identity definitely adds a sense of representation as well. I want people like me to listen to my music to know they aren’t alone. So it influences my work a lot. “

Nat | art instagram

“I think the fact that I am part of the LGBT+ community influences my art directly. Even though I don’t draw as often as I wish, I believe both my drawings and college projects (I am a 3d art/animation student), and my creativity in general is inspired by my personal experiences as a gay woman and common things experienced by the community. I try as often as I can to bring representation of some kind in the things I do, mainly personal projects. I also feel that it influences me on my motivation to keep creating; whenever I listen to, see drawings, watch movies or see whatever form of artistic expression from LGBT+ artists it gives me the energy to keep going, to keep creating.”

[miyajiie]

On growing up and being gay

okay so hear me out. I know it’s super long. Sorry.

I have someone new in my life and talking with her made me realise a couple things about being a gay woman in her twenties.  I am the first woman she’s been with aaaaand what we’ve gone through while growing up makes that we don’t share the same cultural references.

I can talk for hours about Le bleu est une couleur chaude and how Fried green tomatoes touched me when I was still a kid and then how it made me feel  when I saw and read it again in my twenties. I know the Wondrous life of Caleb Gallo and know about that Quebec’s webserie that portrays women loving women. I know about Tara and Willow and I watched Lost and Delirious over and over again. And she doesn’t know any of it. She didn’t have a favourite L word character. She doesn’t know about Jenny Schecter and how nobody liked her. I was 16 and giving STIs to my computer just so I could watch the Chinese botanist’s daughters and she didn’t crave representation while growing up.

I came to the realization that being aware of my sexual orientation made my growing up experience so different from hers. But it isn’t the point.

It made me realise how being gay made me into the person I am today.

Being gay made me want to learn as much as I could about people ‘’like me’’. There was close to no representation in medias and I wanted to know who, what, why and how it could be. I didn’t know where to start and I had so many questions, little to no information about it and I was craving for knowledge.

I was 13 and secretly typing: girls loving girls on google. I was 14 and kissing my best friend after she gave me a massage and I still was a too young when I pushed her away, telling her I wasn’t ‘that way’, because I was already bullied enough at school. I was 15 and telling my childhood friend that I liked a girl. I was 16 and I had made my coming out to the group of friends that I finally managed to make in my last year of highschool, I came out to my parents, I got a girlfriend.

I was 16 and there was that article in a really bad newspaper that talked about if there was a homosexual gene or if it was maybe hormones during pregnancy that had something to do with it. I was reading wlw fiction on the internet, printing it so I could read it in my room. I was active on forums and still looking for all kinds, any kind of representation on the internet. I went to college (yes in some part of Canada, college starts at 16) and discovered that scientific articles existed. When I graduated, my final paper in Social Sciences was an extensive comparison of gay history between France and Québec.

I was 17, 18, 19, 20 and I was angry. My sexual orientation: in your face and rubbing it. I had dealt with homophobia and misogyny and it was a huge part of my identity, even though I wasn’t evolving inside the community. 

I was eighteen and I loved talking about sexuality. But not my sexual experiences. I wanted to talk why boys felt like it was okay to touch me when I was out dancing. I wanted to talk about the fetishization of lesbians. I wanted to know what the problem with men and anal sex was, where that fear came from. I was helping out, listening to younger kids who were trying to come to terms with their sexuality.

I grew up. I moved to Montreal. I discovered feminism. I discovered that racism wasn’t what I thought it was and that I had to work on myself to unlearn things I has learned while growing up, that there was so much more to gender than I thought there was. I got interested in art. I read. I read and read so much about anatomy, sexology, gender roles, feminism, art, politics and so many more. I took classes. Went to conferences. I was finally getting some answers, but I wanted more. I consumed novels, shows and movies that portrayed LBTQI2A+ people. I discovered with disgust what was done to my trans sisters and started to realise that it’s good to let others talk too. 

I was 22 and stumbled across a new word. Polyamory. 

I was a work in progress. I was asking myself questions, but not too much because change was scaring the hell out of me.

But I did my research. As usual. I read. Scientific articles first (what can I say, university broke me, can’t help it) and then web pages, glossaries, asked myself seriously if it could be for me (spoiler: it was).

I’m now on the other side of my twenties. I can draw you a pretty beautiful clitoris in no time. I can educate a group about consent and have ideas about integrating this concept in an activity for kids. I can explain to a couple why it is SO important to give aftercare after a scene. I am comfortable with the body I have, and after battling eating disorders for a long time this is an accomplishment. I tell people that their smile made my day and I am there for my people in hard times. I keep educating people about sexuality.

And it hasn’t been about ‘’being gay’’ for a long time. I don’t even label myself anymore. It’s not about being gay but growing up gay made me take interest in so many fields and THIS… made me into the person I am today.

What I value, what I believe, what I fight for, who I fight for… It all started with me crushing on Idgie and wanting to be as bad ass as her and secretly typing ‘girls loving girls’ on google at night.

And I might not have the same cultural references as my new partner, but her experience is as valid as my own and I can’t wait to hear more about it.

[theautumnarchive]

I wanted to write a post commemorating the official one month mark of my hrt, but I don't think I have the energy to muster faux excitement today.

The therapy is going fine. Rather uneventful so far. My reaction to the last shot was a little better than it has been to every other one since the initial shot. Still itches. Still red. Just tolerable.

I am excited about the hrt, honestly, but right now I'm in the middle of a low point brought on by my own inability to keep my mouth shut. I have substantial issues with emotional, physical, or romantic attachments to people, and I thought that perhaps I had found.. Not a solution, but a lifeline, I think... But sometimes it's better not to reach for those lifelines.

It has come to my attention that any time I try to take a leap of faith for myself, at least in this regard, that I end up worse off. When I moved to Florida, I was in the middle of a divorce and I thought that would be the last relationship I'd ever be in. He was a decent person, but we were completely incompatible and his unwillingness or perhaps inability to acknowledge my emotional and physical needs and limitations left me pretty damaged. The four years I spent with him in Louisiana left me so touch-starved and heartbroken that I used to cry myself to sleep because he always pulled away from me when I reached for his hand at night.

He was respectful when I told him I'd realized I was ace. It was nice, because we'd only had one conversation about asexuality before and it went about as bad as it could go without physical violence. It was nice, but it was the last bit of physical interaction we had. I think my coming out cost me whatever bit of attraction he had left for me. Its fine, though. We agreed to part ways and I thought, well, that was the end of that. I have a hard time figuring out how to communicate and connect with other people beyond friendship. I'm not even particularly good at that, but I get lucky, I think. Proximity does the bulk of the work. I just figured that that rollercoaster of a marriage would be my last exercise in romance.

But I was wrong. I wish I had been right. Florida has been a bittersweet experience for me in really every meaningful way. I got caught off guard by a boy who I connected with on so many points that I had never shared with one person. He was friendly and interesting and brilliant and I should've been grateful to just have shared a timeline with a shooting star like that. I was, really. I had no intention of going anywhere beyond friends with him. Powers beyond myself intervened, however, and I was pleasantly surprised to find myself experiencing that sappy shit you always read about in books and see in movies. I haven't been so high on a heartstring since I was fourteen. But I miscalculated. I wasn't ready. I said my marriage screwed me up and I meant it. I was so anxious that I'd screw it up and lose that happiness that I made it a self-fulfilling prophecy. I needed him too much. I wasn't even.. I don't even think he liked me, to be honest. I think he wanted to. I think he tried. And I wasn't honest. I thought if I told him about being ace, if I told him that my chromosomes messed up and my body is wrong, that he'd realize it wasn't worth all that red tape. Maybe I was right, but it doesn't matter, because I lost anyway.

That was a hit with a harder contact than I expected. I was wrecked over some guy who I had barely known a season. I thought maybe I loved him - how sad is that? I'm so mixed up and bandaged that I think I might love somebody because they make me feel like I matter. And the truth is that he really didn't. When I was in his presence, everything was firecrackers, but then I wouldn't hear from him for days or he'd take a bad emotional day out on me when I made conversation at work. But I can't feel properly. It takes so much out of me to feel any emotional at all - anger, happiness, excitement, fear, love - that those high moments were everything. And when the person who finally made me feel again was gone, I broke.

It was embarrassing and pitiful and disappointing. Someone helped, though. I assumed that losing him would mean losing his friends that I'd met, as well. But one of them stayed. And he was helpful and patient and listened.

Maybe it was my fault for not putting barriers up right away. I don't know. I like to blame the fact that I'm quoiromantic and say that I could've been fine being friends if I'd never been given an alternative, but that's probably not true. It's probably more like a total disbelief that anyone is ever actually interested in me, and especially one who already knows all of the baggage I come with. He was the first person I came out to as trans. He was one of the few people I've met who shared my ace status and didn't need further clarification or ask if that meant I'd been sexually assaulted.

I guess I took that for granted, too. And this one was the relationship equivalent of a nuclear bomb. What a disaster. I made so many mistakes. I should've been more patient. I should've learned from the last 10 years of being a complete failure and pulled my own reigns back. But I didn't. And I wasn't there for him the way he always had been for me. I lost him, too.

We're all friends now. Or, we're supposed to be. I think I'm always going to be a sort of supporting character, especially because I was introduced because I was dating someone. You're never going to be an equal after that. And I don't know what it is that I'm trying to say here, really, except that I just keep messing up. I vascillate between still being a little head over for one or both of them and being fine without anything other than their friendship. It's really frustrating not being able to understand what you actually feel for other people. It leads to a lot of bad calls.

I am in the state I am currently because of another in a long string of bad calls. I wanted to try and see if someone knowing me, the real me, who I am supposed to be, and accepting that would make me less distraught about sexual intimacy. I asked the one person in the entire world who I trust enough with that charge if they thought it was worth testing the hypothesis. But I shouldn't have. Do you know what's sad? Out of this entire post of self-pity and disappointment? The saddest thing to me is that a major contributing factor in my confidence that I could try out this theory with this person was a single night that we spent spooning in the same bed. Honestly, it wasn't the best sleep I've ever had or the moment I realized I loved him or anything cheesy like that. I just felt safe. I felt like all the bullshit up until that point was okay because I had ended up there. I know that experience was strange and new and stressful for him, but I needed it and he cared about me and I was happy and safe. I just thought that trying to get past my traumatic sexual past by taking it slow and honest and positive with someone who is willing to go through a lot of shit for me would work out in the end. He made me feel safe in a time and place where I never have that luxury. I just want to feel normal. I want to have one fucking box unchecked on the list of qualifiers that supersedes my personality and worth. It is hard to be ace and hard to be trans and hard to be gay and hard to have arthritis and fibromyalgia and anxiety and depression and nerve damage and it's really fucking hard to be all of those things at once. I just.. I just wanted to feel normal.

But I should've kept that to myself. I never keep my mouth shut and I told myself it was going to come off idiotic and make him think I was trying to subvert his decision to not entertain relationships anymore. That wasn't what I wanted. I won't lie and act like I don't wish I had done a lot of things differently and that I had gotten it right the first time, but the feeling isn't mutual and I respect that. This was a separate thought entirely. But it doesn't matter. For a lot of reasons, or just one big reason, it didn't work out. It's fine. I'm fine. But I should've kept my mouth shut. I was embarrassed when I thought of it the first time, embarrassed when I proposed it, and I'm embarrassed now. I feel stupid because I got my hopes up. Because I keep thinking that telling people what I actually think is a good idea. Because I never learn. Because I dragged someone else into my mess and made a stressful situation when I didn't have to, like I always do. And at the end of it all, I'm still just as bad off as I was. Perhaps worse, actually, because there's a chance I'll have to watch the two people I can't let go fall into each other eventually. And the fact that that hurts me makes me feel worse because, shit, I should be happy for them. That's what a friend would do. But I'm selfish in my loneliness and neediness and I say things like, "what if we all dated," because I'm poly and I genuinely think it's a good idea and we would all be good for each other and keep each other afloat and mentally stable and because monogamy puts too much pressure on people like me who crave intimacy but need a lot of personal space, when I should've just kept my mouth shut. Again.

So, yes, it's the 24th today and it's my first month on T over with. I hope that next month ends with a lesson more thoroughly learned. Sorry, mom.

[theratprince]

processing some more stuff about IDing as gray-aro/ace, putting it under a line because it’s probs gonna be long

like i’d kind of thought about IDing as demisexual for a looong time and it didn’t feel quite right because sometimes i do experience sexual attraction based solely on physical appearance. but also i didn’t want to be grey-ace because i dated someone who was grey-ace and i remember wanting to have sex a lot but they didn’t and so that didn’t feel quite right. but also maybe i just had a lot of messed-up feelings about sex and relationships because i’d become so dependent on those things for validation. and even i have been craving a romantic relationship up until a few months ago, and looking back i think it was still tied into a kind of false dependency on romantic relationships. sexuality is certainly fluid, so for whatever reason i was an intensely, obsessively sexual and romantic being, and for a long time now i absolutely haven’t been. and certainly many trans people don’t have a full understanding of their orientation until they are at a point where they feel comfortable enough to know themselves.

so for a lil while i was like “i’ll just rescind labels entirely” and even rn i kind of fluctuate between IDing as male or agender. i’m male about 80% of the time and agender about 20% of the time, and they definitely feel like distinctively different states. but the grey-aro feelings are more consistent, in spite of the fact that it is a fairly inconsistent orientation?

but it’s like. i’ve had these feelings for so long -- that i do want a romantic/sexual relationship but i don’t feel like i’m looking/waiting for the right one in the way that a lot of people seem to be doing. i don’t like dating. i don’t like making the effort to persuade someone to find me attractive, as i so rarely experience attraction in the first place. literally i have been saying “i’m gay but i rarely am interested in other men” for an entire year. and for awhile i really tried but i have zero motivation or interest, and it makes me really uncomfortable when men do form attraction to me. and i mean? maybe it’s because they’re not my type but?? at what point do you realize that you just don’t really have a type?

like.. okay, for awhile now i’ve been really fixated on tall red-haired guys. and i think i do typically like more effeminate men, and no i don’t really have to decide on a “type” which i always will go for lol. but also i’m pretty sure i didn’t start fixating on tall redhead guys until i started a general hux rp blog and took the time to analyze every aspect of this character and get into his head -- basically, to form an intense empathic connection even if it is fictional. and i sure af didn’t give a shit about kylo ren until i had to write about hux falling in love with him so lol

i can only name about a handful of people that i am legitimately attracted to, and i don’t really know any of them. and all the crushes i’ve had this year? just guys that i’ve known or awhile that i’ve wanted to be friends with. i cried over one of them once but tbh i’d set up a lot of unrealistic expectation that i didn’t legitimately want from this person. the vast majority of the time, i don’t “develop” feelings for someone unless i convince myself that they are capable of developing feelings for me first.

anyway, i’m not trying to prove to myself that i am grey-aro/ace. i’m just relieved that this finally feels like a fitting label for feelings that i’ve been having for well over a year now. it means that there are other people who are much in the same boat, and have felt disillusioned with a culture that glorifies dating frequently and regularly with multiple people even. like... polyamory is totally valid but i just feel so utterly disconnected from it and it’s no longer due to my bad experiences with it (like i realized today that i have no anger for my ex adam m. anymore? i used to literally want to empty a gun in his face, but now that just seems... really unnecessary? at most, i hope he gets some kind of counseling. but i’m not angry anymore, and that pain is just.. gone?).

so anyway i’m glad i’m not broken or crazy. i thought maybe my apathy stemmed primarily from a lack of suitors but... idk there are a handful of people who have been interested, and i haven’t cared because they’re not Domhnall Gleeson or Hozier or Cillian Murphy. *shrug emoji*

and like?? lately i’ve been thinking about how i have a crush on this new guy at work. and like, yeah, for much of 2017 i’ve been intensely wanting a relationship, but tbh it was just when i was looking at pictures of actors that i liked lmao. i have been obsessive about certain kinds of attention, but i think ultimately uninterested and certainly unwilling to make any effort. but still it’s like i see my friends dating and having sex and talking about it and i’m like “i guess i need to do this” which is my own damn fault. and then nothing would come of it and then i’d feel frustrated, like something was inherently wrong with me. and then i’d daydream and hope and tbh i did dozens of tarot readings trying to figure out where and when i’d meet My Guy and what he’d be like. and recently i had a couple readings done that said i’d meet him at work so when we hired this new driver and he was my age and *nice to me* i was like “here it is, here it comes, i’m about to get Attention”

like when i dispatch and he calls, i feel all fluttery and warm and it does seem different than the other crushes i’ve had this year -- but more importantly, i haven’t met him yet and i’m going off of voice alone which gives me all kinds of opportunities to fill in the blanks with my imagination, and put the guy on a pedestal without having even met him. i’m supposed to meet him this thursday because we’re having a driver appreciation that i’m not even 100% sure he’s going to. i’ve been mildly stressin’ because i’m all “what if he doesn’t like me” and “what if he’s straight/taken” and “what if he’s actually horrible” and “what if he wears velcro-strap sandals and buzzes his hair like every other shitlord in this town” but then it occurred to me that none of that matters?? like, we’re drawn to this business perhaps because we have similar personalities and i enjoy talking to him when i get the chance, so we’d probably be good friends.

also lmao like ... a lot of the things i’ve been thinking i want in a relationship is actually just stuff that i want out of a friendship. like spending time together and talking about mutual interests and watching weird movies and going cool places like camping and museums and cycling together?? plus i want crazy kinky sex but i’m not even really sure that i actually want that. i’m pretty sure i do. I DUNNO WHICH IS WHY IM GREY I GUESS

and it’s like having this epiphany enabled me to also realize: i don’t have a crush on that new guy. also this explains why i keep trying to date my friends -- i confuse intense care for romantic feelings (and maybe i’m just a naturally really affectionate, loving person??). also: i don’t know how to deal with it when people do get attracted to me so i just run away.

so i guess this has just been in the back of my mind for a long time now. and while yeah i am an intensely sexual and romantic person, i extremely rarely experience that attraction for anyone, and i’m tired of feeling like something is wrong with me because our society, frankly, makes it a compulsion. and now i can put a name to those feelings. and?? i’m proud of it? i’m fucking grey-aro/ace and i’m proud <3

btw the gray-aro flag looks like slytherin. just saying

anyway i need to sleep