#which all couldve been avoided if they just PUT DOWN THEIR PHONES……

[golohours]

i just don’t think it’s too much to ask that ccs learn that their every thought does not need to be public. that’s all.

[brelione]

The Countertop (Topper,Rafe,Kelce X Reader)

The Best Boys Masterlist

When Rafe got the text he was in the bathroom of the yacht,blood coming from his nose as he stuffed the small bag of white powder back into the pocket of his khakis.He heard the ding,looking over to check the notification.He felt his heart drop,regretting the line he just did. 

“Panic attack,(Y/N)’s house.”Was all the text said.Topper had sent it to the group chat with him,Kelce and Rafe.Rafe cursed,looking up in the mirror at his bloodshot,dilated eyes.He certainly couldnt help you,not when he was like this.He pinched his nose for a moment or two,letting it drip into the sink before he rinsed it down the drain,leaving the bathroom and putting his phone in his pocket.

He looked around at the groups of people,eventually finding Wheezie and gripping her shoulders. “I need you to cover for me.”He told her,completely serious.She frowned,looking over at Ward. “Where are you going?”She asked.He sighed,looking over the side of the huge boat to look at the Jet Ski that was tied by a thin rope. “(Y/N) needs help.”Was all he said,quickly thanking her before running down the flights of stairs to get to the lowest floor,gripping onto the railing and getting onto the jetski.

He tucked his phone into the pocket of his shirt,ripping the rope before gliding through the water as fast as possible,guessing on how to get to your house.He knew how to get to his house,at least.So thats where he ended up.He got onto his own dock,sprinting around the front of his house and getting into his truck,going way too far over the speed limit.

He pulled into your driveway,slamming on the brakes so he wouldnt crash into your garage.His door was opened before the truck was even parked,seeing Kelce’s car parked on the sidewalk.Rafe burst through your door,heart aching when he saw you sobbing,Kelce trying to talk to you while Topper rubbed your bare back. “What the hell happened?”He asked,not even understanding the situation.

You opened your mouth,trying to talk but only a sob came out,Topper pulling you back to him and tracing shapes along yout arm,whispering sweet nothings to you to try and help.He sent a glance towards Rafe,shaking his head.Rafe closed the door,sitting on the arm of the couch,slowly stealing you away from Topper and moving onto the couch,letting you squeeze him as tight as you needed too and he could feel your shallow breaths through his shirt.

Kelce was watching you,watching as the tears stopped falling,your eyes puffy and your bottom lip trembling.Rafe felt your grip on him becoming less tight,too weak to do squeeze him.He didnt move his arm away from you,knowing that if you were ready to let go you would push away from him. “What’s going on,princess?”He asked softly,careful to make sure his voice didnt come out harsh or shaky.

You gulped,licking you lips that tasted like salt and metal. “I hate my mom.”Was all you could say,your voice cracking.He nodded,kissing your forehead. “I know,baby.I know.”He answered,taking in a big breath.You huffed,pulling away from him,wiping your eyes with the back of your hands. “So how are you guys?”You asked,struggling not to cry again.

Kelce grinned slightly,squeezing your hand. “Im good,sweetheart.Do you want to talk about whats happening with your mom or do you want to be distracted by it?”He asked,tapping at your knuckles.You shrugged,feeling more sick than anything. “Okay,well why dont we go out to the pool so you can cool off then?”He suggested.You nodded,not fully away from Rafe yet.

Something was off with him.His hair looked like he had been pulling at it and he was more tense than usual,seeming like he was holding something back. “Um...you and Top have bathing suits upstairs.”You mumbled,your hand gripping the fabric of Rafe’s shirt.Topper nodded,tapping your ankle before he got up,Kelce giving you a small smile before going upstairs as well.You pulled away from Rafe,feeling your legs becoming tingly and your heart speed up,eyes watery. 

“Are you high right now?”You asked,a few tears sliding down your cheeks.He swallowed,looking away from you,eyes widening as he realised that he had just given himself away. “Rafe-you drove here high?”You asked,your voice high,eyes stinging.He nodded,not able to look back at you. 

“Jesus Christ-are you crazy?You couldve crashed or died or killed someone!I cant lose you-I cant fucking do it and mom is fucking gone and-and if I lose you what the fuck am I supposed to do?I dont understand why-I dont understand why you cant just-fuck.”You sniffled,trying to figure out what you were going to say.He looked up at you,feeling a lump in his throat. 

“You needed me here so I did what i had to do.”He answered,reaching for your hand only for you to pull away from him. “I hate you.”You mumbled,sniffing.His jaw dropped,a wave of nausea hitting him. “You cant mean that.”He whispered.Of course you didnt mean that.You could never hate Rafe even if you really wanted too. “You might fucking overdose or something.”You whispered,wanting nothing more than to cup his face and kiss him,tell him all your thoughts and twirl his fingers in your hair.

He shook his head,glancing over at the staircase every couple of seconds. “I wont,I wont.I dont do that much.”As the words came from his mouth he realised just how bad they sounded. “Bullshit.What happened in my bathroom then?That looked like a lot to me.”You took in a big breath,trying not to let yourself spiral again.

He just stared at you,hearing the other boys coming down the stairs. “We can talk about this later,okay?”He asked,leaning forward slightly.You nodded,looking over to see Topper and Kelce in their blue and grey bathing suits.Kelce stared at Rafe,silently telling him to go get changed.Rafe nodded,prying his eyes off of you and getting off the couch,heading upstairs.

Kelce sat down across from you where Rafe had previously been,his hands in his lap. “Do you need an ibuprofen or a hug?”He asked.You swallowed,leaning forward and resting your head against him,your arms around his bare shoulders. “THis sucks.”You mumbled,closing your eyes.He nodded,running his pointer finger along your spine. “I know,I know.Things will get better though.”He answered,his hands holding both sides of your head as he placed a kiss against your hairline.

You got up eventually,going upstairs to your room to grab a bathing suit,colliding your fist against the wood out of anger.Anger towards your mom,anger towards yourself,anger towards Rafe’s addiction.Rafe stood in the door way,confused as to what the loud bang he had heard was.You didnt notice him,throwing the clothes from your drawers all over the room,smacking the top of your dresser,your jaw clenching.

You brought your arm back to punch the wood again,only for someone to grab your arm,spin you around and push you against your dresser. “You have to calm down.”He whispered,holding tight on your wrists.You avoided eye contact,glancing down at his bare chest. “I am calm.”You replied,pushing him away as you went to find the one peice bathing suit that you had thrown across the floor.

He was just glad that you werent as bad now as you had been the last time he watched you get like this.You had started to punch yourself in the thighs and ankles until they were bruising.He had to pin your hands on top of your head and beg you to calm down.It had scared the living shit out of him.He probably couldve handled it better but Kelce wasnt there to talk to you which left just him to take care of things.

You finally found the black sim suit,not even caring at this point,tearing off your pants and kicking them into the corner.Rafe bit his lip,forcing himself to turn around.He heard the straps of the bathing suit smack against your shoulder,walking up next to him to grab a tshirt from your drawer and pull it on over the bathing suit,leaving your room and not bothering to clean up the mess that you had made.

He looked around your room,deciding he could just clean it up for you later.He followed behind you,noticing that the boys had already gone out to the pool. “Hey,lets talk.”He spoke,stopping you as you walked through the kitchen. “What?What do you want to talk about?”You asked,leaning against the kitchen counter.He sighed,his hands on the marble countertop o either side of you,staring down at you.

 “Whatever you want.I’ll answer whatever you want me to.”He replied.You nodded,thinking of everything you wanted to know.  “Whatever I want?”You asked.He nodded.“Have you….god,I dont know.Have you ever like….hurt someone when you were high?”You asked,knowing the answer when he started to bite the inside of his cheek. “Yeah,I have.I’d never hurt you though,if thats what your asking.”His hands tightened around the marble,watching as you bit your lip.

 “What about Top and Kelce?Have they ever done drugs?”You asked,nearly gasping when you saw him nod. “Did you make them do it?”You asked,dreading the answer. “I didnt force them to do it...Kelce only did it once and he only did one line.Top did three a couple months back.”Rafe answered,being as honest as he could with you. 

“When did it get this bad?You used to only do one line a week and now you’re doing like,a line a day.”You instinctively sat on the countertop,barely any space between you two.He cleared his throat,not knowing what to say because he didnt want to send you back into panic. “I know,im trying to get better.I’ve never done it in your house,like ever.You know that.”He reminded you,keeping his distance.

He figured that if he touched you at all you’d become insecure or angry,swat his hand away and probably begin to cry again. “Im not mad at you,you know that,right?”You asked,feeling your nose start to run again.You quickly pulled up your shirt,pinching your nose with the fabric.He nodded,tapping his short finger nials on the marble counter.The conversation went on for probably five minutes before the big question came,the one that you had been dreading.

 “Do you have any on you right now?”You asked,not even caring at this point.When the conversation began and you hadnt been shocked by any of his answers you probably wouldve been upset when he nodded.You werent upset,or shocked or even mad.Just numb. “I thought you were out on the boat,”You saw him frown,not understanding where you were going with this. “So how did you drive here?”You asked.He simply shrugged his shoulders,staring down at his feet.

 “I jumped off the side and got on the jet ski.”He answered,making you smile slightly. “You got onto the jetski and then drove over here?”You asked,your hand sliding down his arm and your fingers intertwining with his.He became less tense,his other hand no longer gripping the marble so hard that his fingertips were turning purple. “Yeah,I just peaced out.”He laughed quietly,his forehead resting onto your collarbone.You licked your lips,legs wrapping around his waist comfortably.

If only you knew the things that he felt within him when you did that. “Hey,”You mumbled,making him pick up his head a bit. “Do you….do you remember when you kissed me?”You asked,feeling him tense under you,his head moving off of your collarbone,staring down at you. 

“Yeah.”He answered.You nodded,hands ending up in your lap. “Did you tell Kelce?”You asked,not even understanding why you had asked that.Kelce had always been extremely important to you.He was the one person you could trust with your insecurities or ask him for coping mechanisms.Now you were starting to wonder if maybe you had a thing for Kelce.

Everyone was making you question your feelings and your sanity. “I mean,I kind of had too.You know how he is,he figures shit out by body language and he knows when something is going on.I dont even know,hes the only one that ever payed attention to Criminal Minds,im not even gonna lie to you.”he replied,biting his lip as he waited for your reaction,only to hear the sliding door open.

His head whipped around,seeing Kelce standing there with water dripping from him. “Are you guys okay?Its been like ten minutes since you’ve changed.”Kelce looked over at you,more specifically the position you were in with Rafe practically on top of you. 

“Yeah,yeah we’re fine.I was just talking about life.”You slowly got off the counter,flicking at Rafe’s thigh as you slid past him and walked by Kelce,going to sit in the shallow end of the pool.Kelce watched you,positive you couldnt hear as he entered the house,closing the sliding door and glaring at Rafe. “Did you say something to her?”He asked.

Rafe shook his head,attempting to walk past him only for Kelce to put a hand on his shoulder and hold him in place. “Why does she look more upset than she was ten minutes ago?”He asked,pushing further. “Because she found out that im high and got mad about it.We talked it out and now everything is fine,okay?”Rafe nodded a bit,sliding the door and walking out of the house,Kelce sighing.

Things were getting messy and he was always the one to hold things together.But now he wasnt even sure if he wanted to do that anymore.He stood in your house for a couple more minutes,finally putting a smile on his face and walking back out,seeing Topper kneeling in front of you and splashing water into your face.

You were squealing at the cold water,grabbing Topper by his wrists and pushing him back into the water,his hair becoming soaked and sticking to his forehead. “YOU BITCH!”Topper shouted,throwing you over his shoulder and running through the water and into the deep end,your legs wrapping around him tight so he’d go down with you.

Rafe grinned at your laughing,you rubbing your eyes and slicking your hair back out of your face.Kelce was tense,trying to soften up again but between Rafe’s smirk as he watched you,Topper holding you and the face that so much was happening was making him a bit mad.He stuck his feet in the pool,not paying attention to much except for the clouds that were moving at sloths pace.

He felt two warm hands wrap around his shins,trying to drag him into the water.He grinned,kicking his feet and forcing you to let go. “You’re no fun.”You pouted,elbows on his thighs as you stared up at your friend.He grinned,shrugging at he ringed the water from your hair. “You seem like you’re in a mood,whats up?”You asked,ignoring Rafe’s stare. “I dunno,kind of just stressed.”He answered,holding onto your hands as he moved his feet in circles underwater.

 “Did you eat today?”You deepened your voice,grinning as he flicked you on the head. “Shut up.”He smiled,licking his lips. “Do you want to have a movie night tonight?I kind of just want to forget about things,you know?”You asked,tapping your fingers on his chest.He nodded,agreeing. “What movie do you want to watch?”He asked,helping you out of the pool so you could sit next to him.

 “I dont know,maybe a horror movie.I feel like it’ll get my mind off of reality.”You replied,squinting as the sunlight hit your eyes,not aware of the silver car that had just pulled into your driveway,someone walking right into your house as you sat at the pool with your friends.

@sweetlittlegingy​    @nicolefarley603 @ilikealotofpeople-younotsomuch @newsies-yeet​ @butgilinsky @jjjmaybank @gracelovesbroadway  @one-stella @outerbongs  @copper-boom​  @httpstarkey​ @teenwaywardasgardian @drewswannabegirl​  @simonsbluee   @jiaraendgame  @khiaraaa-in-spacee​  @on-socks-off​ @spn-marvel-nerd​ @i-love-scott-mccall 

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[ivyuns]

love me in a year ✰❆♣♞

bang chan

genre: angst, fluff 

word count: 2.4k

warnings: kidnapping, restraints, y/n gets pregnant, grinding, drowning, weapons, a bit suggestive. if i missed anything lol oops

A/N: another shet show + from 365 dni (the ending isnt exactly like the movie btw)

for my gurlieeeee + happy birthday to @stanstraykidswoo​ <3

masterlist

mafialeader!bangchan x fem!reader

enjoying the summer breeze on the islands of hawaii, next to your friend made you feel relaxed. from all the work and stress you did, you finally earned yourself a vacation.

“babe!”

opening your eyes, you see your boyfriend (in a unhappy relationship) walks towards you. taking off your glasses and sitting up next to the pool, waiting what your boyfriend had to tell you. “i just got back from seeing the volcanoes babe! you shouldve seen it-” “we were supposed to go look at it together, dumbass” you cut your boyfriend off.

“w-wait y/n-” running away before he said anything, you got lost in a dark area. wasnt just sunny? seeing a group of guys look at you while trying to come closer. damn these outfits. your outfit consist of a short flowy, off the shoulder dress with heels. running with shaky legs, you looked around and saw everything get dark.

“are you lost babygirl?”

waking up in a soft bed, you look over and look at the unfamiliar room youre in. “where am i?” you whispered softly. walking towards a door to the hallway, the door wont budge open. shaking the door knob, it still wont burst open. giving up, you go lay back down on the bed.

closing your eyes to relax, you hear the door unlocking. quickly putting on your heels, you open the door and see nobody. following to which ever door took you, it seem endless. the endless numbers of stairs and doors you went though, you came across to a massive painting of a portrait of yourself hanging on the dinning room’s wall.

“oh my god”

continuing to follow where your legs take you, you were yanked away from seeking to your freedom. “are you lost babygirl?”. feeling someones presence behind you, you see a man. someone who you never seen.

“who are you and what do you want from me” you say and slowly back away from him. “chris is the name. you see, five years ago, i saw you on a beach. then suddenly i got shot and all i could think was you. these pass five years, ive been trying to find you and now” chris pauses his sentence and walks to a cup of ice, making you suck on it. “now i have you”

spitting the ice out, you got angry. “so what? you think kidnapping me is some kind of way to have me?” chris gets angry after your tone of your voice you gave him. he pushes you on a chair and chokes you lightly.

“i will give you 365 days to make you fall in love with me. and if that doesnt work, i will release you.” chris slowly lets go of your neck and continues talking. “i promise i will not touch you without your permission.”

chris gets interrupt by his phone. reaching his pocket, he sees his mafia friend who works with him calling him for help in the front. running to where to meet him at, you gave a few minutes before running on your feet again, trying to escape.

finally outside with a big open field in front of you, where you will be free. running, you stop midway as you see chris kill a man. witnessing what happened, you pass out due to pressure from everything.

-

the next morning, you wake up in the same room before but a whole different dress on you and a shirtless chris sitting in a chair in front of you. “let me out of here now” you shouted at him. “i need to get back to my family, my boyfriend!”. “you really think he still loves you? take a look at this” chris says and throws a small stack of pictures. pictures of him fucking another girl.

“a-are you serious?”

“yes im serious. oh and we’ll be leaving this place tomorrow. be ready” chris says and exits the room. “where are we going?” you quickly grab his wrist and stops. “to australia”

landing and going to the hotel. chris stops you and gives you the keycard to your room. “my room is next to yours if you need me”. nodding your head a yes, you enter your room and place your bags down and sighed. what is happening right now.

chris walks out of his room to see you look like a goddess. “y/n” chris calls out. turning around, chris grins with his dimples showing and grabbing your hand to head to the place you two are meeting with. chris opens the passenger door for you and makes his way to the drivers seat after youre in. while driving, he places his hands on your thigh, making you want more of him. avoiding his hand, you close your eyes.

arriving at your destination, it turns out to a bar. entering the bar, chris leads you to a room. seeing people, you hide behind chris bc youre antisocial as fuck

“y/n, this is aeyeong. ayeong meet-” “y/n. yes i know her name” aeyeong says, looking at you then back to chris, seducing him. “you know y/n, me and chris used to talk.” walking up to you. “and fucked each other” aeyeongs whispers into your ear. feeling chris wrap his hands around yours, you push him away and left the room.

“this happened a long time ago-” feeling tense, chris was about to turn and find you til aeyeong grabbed his wrist. “i thought you said we would last forever hm? took you long enough to find her. even of all our messages.” aeyeong grabs her phone and pulls up their naked bodies in photos. sexting.

“enough aeyeong.” chris grabs her phone and throws it onto the floor. running out of the room to look for you, leaving aeyeong to laugh.

-

“mr bang!”

chris turns around and sees his partner running to him. “y-y/n. shes with aeyeongs boss. i just got a call from him-” “shut the fuck up and tell me which room” “room 325.”

chris runs to room 325 and sees you grind on the boss. “y/n” chris growls. not paying attention to chris, you feel aeyeong’s boss grope your ass and suddenly putting a knife towards your neck.

suddenly feeling someone pull you away from the man and unable seeing things, chris and the rest of his members pulls out their weapon.

opening your eyes and see yourself on a yacht, you walk around and find chris. seeing chris talk shit about you to his other partner. “she just really had to run away-”

“im sorry chris” you spoke out. chris turns around and tells his partner to leave for a moment. “this is all your fault. youre the one who left the room and potentially tried to seduce him. do you not know what he couldve done?”

arguing on the boat and heading to the railings, you slip off and fall into the water. panicking, chris falls into the water and saves you. taking you out of the water and goes to lay you down on the bed and stands by your side.

a few minutes later, you wake up with water coming out of your mouth, coughing. chris turns around and goes to you with worried eyes. “y/n, i-im sorry. please dont leave me, i need you” chris softly says and strokes your hair with tears starting to fall down his cheeks.

lifting your weak hands up to caress his cheeks, you pushed him down and began kissing him roughly. regretting as soon as you saw the red in his eyes. “so now you want it?” chris growls and begins to attack you with kisses and hickies. feeling your clothes ripped away from you.

a few weeks later, youre back in korea. chris leaves you for the day, saying he has business to attend to and will call you later. but hours flew by and still didnt have any calls. sighing, you call your best friend, minyeong who yells at you though the speakers after the first ring.

“are you kidding me y/n? you cant just leave me behind at hawaii?!”

“i know i know, ill explain if you come over”

after she hears you say the sentence, she hangs up and runs to your place. opening the door for her, she starts speaking nonsense and you just laughing at her.

“y/n, this is serious. stop laughing and tell me what happened.”

sitting down next to her, you tell her everything. even when you love him back. minyeong at first didnt like what chris did to you and what his job it, but you beg her for you to have happiness atlas. with minyeong wanting you to be the happiest, you two go to the bar.

feeling someones eyes on you, you told minyeong you were going to the restrooms as she continues dancing. almost at the door, someone slams you onto the wall. “y/n, baby. i missed you so much. im sorry-” feeling tears streaming as you remember the past events and pictures. you forced him to let go of you and run back to your place.

he follows you back to your apartment without you noticing and as you take a seat with his loud voice scares you. “baby please” he goes closer to you and tries to kiss you until a voice rang.

“im pretty sure she wants you to leave”

he looks at chris then back to you then slaps you. “you fucking whore. youve been cheating on me when you left me didnt you” shaking your head a no and the tears uncontrollably falling as you try to shield yourself from another slap.

receiving nothing, you look up and see chris holding his wrist to prevent him from hitting you. “if theres someone else who was cheating is you. now leave you fucker” chris whispers in his ears and runs away.

chris looks down and sees your shaking figure. he goes next to you and wraps his arms around you so you can start feel calm. reaching to that point, chris picks you up and lays you on the bed.

slowly kissing you from your lips to your chest. chris begins undressing you til you stop him. unbuttoning his top, you see the semi open wound from his business. grazing your fingers over it as you hear chris slightly whimper.

“chris, im in love with you”

chris smiles widely. “im in love with you too”. you two continue the heavy make out which turns into a passionate sex for you both.

waking up with you on chris’ chest, you feel him showing a smile. he turns to the nightstand and grabs something small but worthy.

“y/n l/n, would you please marry me?”

nodding your head yes a bunch of times, you kiss chris on the lips.

-

heading back to hawaii, youre back into the palace where chris kept you in. waking up from your slumber, you go outside and talk to chris. chris sees you and tells his partner that he’ll be right back.

“hey hey babygirl, what happened? you alright?” chris leaves his seat to go to you as you start feeling shitty. “chris, i dont feel goo-” your eyes are shut closed and almost falls on the hard concrete til chris caught you.

“c-changbin! help!” chris yells out to whoever is out. your lips are slowly turning pale. changbin runs to chris with a blanket to cover your cold body and helps him carry you to the car. changbin speeds to the hospital with chris’ tears falling onto you, holding your hands and kissing the back of it. “please be okay, please please” chris whispers.

changbin parks at the emergency lot and chris grabs your body and puts you on the stretcher as the nurses sees you two. “please save her” the nurses all nodded their head and disappeared into the doors with a chris on the floor, sobbing his heart out, praying for you to be okay.

-

finally hours passed by and chris was left alone as he told changbin to go back to the palace. eyes all red and puffy with his legs shaking, full of anxiety. “mr bang?” the doctors call out chris. he stands up too quickly, making him almost loose his balance but the doctor helps him balance for a few seconds. thanking him, he follows the doctor to your room.

chris runs to your side as he sees your eyes open, with all type of wires attached to you. “y/n baby are you okay?”. nodding yes with a small smile, chris looks at the doctor.

“it looks like miss y/n was 1 month pregnant. and also looks like she wasnt taking care of herself either so mr bang, do y/n a favor and help not only her, but the baby”

you and chris nod your head, understanding as the doctor leaves you two. chris turns into his soft self. “i love you” he giggles. “i love you too chris”. scooting further away from him, you pat on the empty spot on the bed for him. chris smiles widely and goes to lay down next to you. you fall asleep from the warmth of your fiance as he hugs you. “and i love you too baby” he whispers and puts his free hand on your growing stomach. kissing your head and falling asleep next to the love of his life.

END <3

[insfiringyou]

dating someone like him so why did js not vocalize these until it became too much? if she brought up how she felt about this before she couldnt take it anymore, would it have made any much of a difference? bc its not like yg couldve done anything about it. they wouldve still broken up regardless? i know the breakup was necessary but could itve been avoided? imo i think it couldve been avoided had they communicated this before but maybe she'd just be miserable still - n e way it just made sad😭

Hi, thanks so much for reading our work and glad you are invested! :)

Honestly, we have always said, even when we were outlining the breakup, that it is a really hard one to vocalise because there was no single thing which led to her breaking up with him. He wasn't a bad boyfriend or person and yes she still loved him and could tolerate the inconveniences of being with someone famous, such as being long distance.

I think the truth behind her (very hard and heartbreaking - on both their parts) decision to break up with him was the realisation that he was going to give up everything to be with her. Over the months before the break up, he was becoming more and more reliant on their relationship to make him happy. He would have given up everything to be with her, since he himself was the one finding it hard to be apart from her so often and for so many periods of time. In the fics which run up to the break up, such as 'A Celebration to Forget', 'Stranded', and the phone sex fic, you see how desperate he is becoming and how he's starting to care less about the career he has worked so long and hard for. Jeong-sun, ultimately, didn't want him to have to make that choice between her and being famous as she could see how torn he was becoming (even though she never asked that of him). Also, neither of them really meant to fall so hard for each other. It's not like with some of the other couples where they made a conscious decision to get together (with the girls choosing to date someone famous and knowing what that involved). We don't think Jeong-sun really had any idea what she was getting herself into (other than knowing he was famous - as she's not someone who follows Idols or Korean celebrities much) and also she started dating him quite casually (even if things became intense and sexual very quickly). She never really thought she would fall for him and wasn't really looking or seeking out a boyfriend or relationship. Likewise, Yoongi wasn't looking for a girlfriend but found himself falling so hard for her. So the timing was really bad for them both. Yoongi and BTS at this point were becoming really really famous, especially abroad, and Jeong-sun didn't want him to give up all that at the height of his fame. She knew he would regret it, but also didn't want to be 'responsible' for that. In a way, her breaking up with him was her way of being kind and ensuring he didn't make a decision which would hurt him.

In contrast, when they get back together - he has already completed his service (and several of the members are currently serving) so he has no band commitments. He's at a point where BTS are starting to settle down (Jin is married, etc.) and so the timing feels right that he can focus on what is important to him (showing Jeong-sun the love he has always wanted to and being able to actually spent time with her) without also having to sacrifice his career.

Pre-breakup, he literally would have given up everything for her in a heartbeat, but things would have naturally ended (in a messier and worse way) with Jeong-sun if he had because that's a lot of pressure to put someone under. Jeong-sun, who thinks of herself as really mundane and normal, really wouldn't want to be on that kind of pedestal. So, she quite cleanly broke things off with him. Yes, she hurt him and was hurt herself, but things would have been worse if she'd have stayed with him and broke up later. Especially if she had accepted his proposal in 'Stranded' and they rushed into marriage etc.

I hope this makes sense. We really love discussing the reasoning behind certain decisions and how we interpret things, but also readers sometimes have their own interpretations of events and feelings which we love to hear!!!

[cherry-ber]

Too drunk to fuck pt.9

Previous | Part one

Whatever that text was supposed to mean, you didn't care. You purposely ignored and avoided Mark the whole week, and after a few ignored messages, he gave up, and seemed to understand what you were probably thinking, every day Jaemin walked you home -because then you'd spend more time together than if he drove, he said- after a day in school with your new friends, and every day promised to be better than the last one. Friday came sooner than expected, and you got up earlier to dress extra special, tonight's dinner with Jaemin and your parents, although excited, made you incredibly anxious. So many things could go wrong.

When the classes were over, Jaemin was waiting for you outside of your classroom, holding your hand and giving you a sweet kiss as soon as he saw you. He carried your bag as you walked to his car, before you were home for dinner, he figured it would be nice to have a real first date, not a risky late night trip or an awkward meeting with your parents. He'd never done that, dating had never been important for him, he was too busy, and too invested with his deals and his friends, no time for girls and feelings at all, but he did a great job at planning, though. He took you to a museum, fair enough, you had to go as an assignment from Art class, but when you asked him to be your museum date, he was absolutely into it, then he took you to an ice cream parlor, a cute one, with the prettiest walls and decorations, and the best ice cream you've ever had. He took you flower picking, and to a park with lots of dogs being walked, and finally back home, just in time for you to be earlier than your parents. He greeted them politely, and your father was happy to see him again. Jaemin looked as handsome as he always did, but putting on his good boy persona, he looked softer and nicer than he usually did. His hair was pushed back, and he was wearing a light, baby blue sweater, that matched your baby blue, princess dress, your mom wasted no time mentioning how cute it was that you wore matching outfits, although it was actually a big casualty you did.

They had many, too many, questions for him. How you two met, how long you'd been friends, what classes you had together, what did the rest of your friends do, what did he want to do for a leaving, what were his plans after school. Jaemin handled every single question and gave an answer to every question that astonished your parents.

Jaemin's phone received a bunch of calls, he never picked up, arguing that if it were truly important, no one would really call him, but when your parents stood up the table for a couple minutes, and he finally had time to check his phone, all the calls were Mark's, but he left no message, and your date assumed it was, probably, not important at all. Usually, at least some months ago, on Fridays they'd be going to the abandoned warehouse, get drunk and have a race, or maybe they'd be shoplifting, attending their clients and playing dumb when they got caught, and although Jaemin, and the rest of his friends, knew it was bad, a tiny particle in his mind is telling him that he should be doing that right know. There's a part of them that has accepted the path they started walking so long ago, and it's a shame that they did, since the could be doing so much better.

After the food, and the awkward, intrusive, questions were out of the table, Jaemin suggested you went to Jeno's place again, and because you had no interest in staying home, you agreed, asked your parents permission to be home, and reluctantly they said yes, although you knew they agreed basically because Jaemin is too convincing, and too likeable.

He drove with the windows down, which made the chilly air play with his hair, giving him this absolutely attractive, messy hairstyle, and then all you wanted to do was to make him stop and kiss him while you ran your fingers through his hair. The annoying ringtone of your phone got your mind back to where you were sitting, and looking at the notification bar, you notice how many texts from Mark you got all day long, last one being received in thus exact moment.

“Friday, 7:15 a.m, Mark ♡:

hey”

“can we meet today?”

“Friday, 8:30 a.m, Mark ♡:

are you free after this period?”

“Friday, 9:48 a.m, Mark♡:

are you okay?”

“Y/N”

“???”

“Friday, 2:45 p.m, Mark♡:

are you at home”

“did I do something wrong?”

“Friday, 4:04 p.m, Mark ♡:

I think you hate me?”

“wait”

“you're with jaemin right?”

“Friday, 6:36 p.m, Mark ♡:

So i saw jaemin driving”

“And i was about to get close”

“and then i see you on the passenger side”

“you couldve replied, yk”

“Friday, 7:19 p.m, Mark ♡:

Ans know im fucking drunkk”

“fuck yOu”

“actually no”

“Friday, 8:58 p.m, Mark ♡:

hu sorry im liken really rly drunk”

“im at jenooossssss'”

“ypu should comeb too”

By the time you finished reading, it was too late, Jaemin had already parked, and when the men inside noticed, all of them, except Mark, came out to greet him, and when they saw you, they couldn't look happier. They urged you inside, but before you could get to the living room with them, Jeno stopped you and Jaemin.

“So, look, Mark is... Kinda sensitive right now” he looks into his direction, Mark sitting on the floor, with his head head resting on Renjun's lap, he's laughing and smiling and rubbing his hands on the carpet “I don't know what he had, he's drunk but, I think he might be high too”

Jaemin makes an effort to keep his annoyance unseen, remembering that every time Mark drinks, it's a mistake, a mistake that he's gonna have to solve.

“Just” Jeno knows, Jeno can read Jaemin like a book, and although he agrees that they shouldn't be the ones caring after his oldest friend, he can't let him alone whenever he needs them “don't mind him, he's saying weird shit, he's harmless”

Jeno sits in the couch next to Renjun, trying to block Mark's view of you, but when you walk in, holding Jaemin's hand, he loses it. His laugh is insanely loud, and it's almost scary, making Jaemin squeeze your hand harder between his, and he grabs someone's drink and takes it in a single sip, you can tell it was strong, because of the face he's making. Suddenly, everyone in the room is uncomfortable, waiting for someone to make the next move.

After minutes of staring at the wall in front of him, Mark stands up, tumbling when he does, and walks closer to you, stopping when you are just a few centimeters away from him. Jaemin reacts immediately, pushing Mark away from you, and putting himself between you two. Mark giggles, he looks innocent, and when you're about to apologize to him, that sweet look disappears.

“Are you really gonna let her get between us?” he asks jaemin, arrogance in his tone, and absolutely spiteful when he looks at you.

“You're drunk, go home” all eyes are on them both, but no one really dares to interfere.

“Is that all you're going to say?” he walks closer to Jaemin, and although he wishes that Mark doesn't do anything else, he's ready for whatever he tries “is that it, huh? I give you a home when you need it, a job, money, my time” he grabs Jaemin by the collar of his shirt “I let you into my life” Renjun rushes to you, dragging you out of the room, meanwhile Jeno and Donghyuck try to get Mark and Jaemin away from each other.

Everything happened too fast, and you can't even complain when Renjun walks you upstairs to Jeno's room and locks the door. You can hear the screaming from downstairs and there's nothing you can do to help. Your mom couldn't have possibly chosen a worst time to call, lying, you tell her that as soon as the movie you're watching is over, Jaemin will drive you back home.

Jisung and Chenle are leaving, after Renjun insisted that they shouldn't be there, although they are worried, they know there's not much they can do, and promise to be ready if something else happens, they say you goodbye from the porch, and offer to walk you home, but you know you can't leave just yet.

Jeno was successful in calming Jaemin down, but Mark wasn't going to stop until he got what he wanted, Donghyuck and Renjun getting tired of dealing with him, but doing it anyway because the idea of what could come next was too scary. Jaemin unlocks the door, and brings you back down, with Jeno and himself protecting you from whatever Mark could try, going outside and into his car. Jeno apologizes to the both of you, and runs back inside.

Jaemin doesn't speak in the whole way back home, when he stops, he opens the door for you, walks you to the door, and says sorry when you open the door. You can only shake your head and give him a kind smile, hoping that he understands what you are trying to say. He drives away, but instead of going home, as you wished he did, he takes the way back to the mess, you watch him drive off, and you can only hope that things don't end up too bad.

“Saturday, 1:26 a.m, unknown number:

Don't panic, but Mark's in the hospital”

next♡

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

A.N: well that escalated quickly 😳

HeyyYYYyYy I'm finally bringing this back, after, well, i got notes from the whole series again. I hope you're having a good time guys, be healthy, be safe.

[selfcareparker]

LMAOO I WAS GONNA BRING UP FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLIDER BUT I WASNT SURE IF YOU WERE WATCHING IT HSKAJ (are you liking it? i know it’s only the first episode but ya know, another one tomorrow night- well tomorrow night for me, and did you like wandavision?? i loved it!!)

oh my goodness i’m watching lion king while writing this and i haven’t seen it in a while and i am..... emotional. but anyway, i love that streaming services think that imma pay for them while they charge $50 a month. like yes of course i have that kind of money and i am going to give it to you to watch tv 🙄 that $50 is budgeted to sims thank you. (ALSO SIMS!!! i’ll get to that in a minute) now see if i don’t google levidia right this minute LMAOO, not that i’m gonna use it.. just for the research...

AND HDKSHS SEND THAT CHAOS WALKING LINK LMAO i saw it for the third time with a different one of my friends and she wasn’t the best one to see it with? she literally was on her fucking phone and i was like ok whatever her loss not mine, and idk if you’ve read the books or if you’ve seen it by now, but by the end of the whole movie, after they’ve confirmed THE THING throughout the whole movie she asked the dumbest question and i’m like diD YOU NOT WATCH THE MOVIE, and i guess she didn’t. so. this sounds so vague but i don’t wanna spoil the movie for you just in case lol.

THE STORY LMAOO, so A DIFFERENT FRIEND LOL, like my oldest bff, we had a day together and we wanted to go see chaos walking. and i honest to God thought that no one would be seeing this movie. like NO ONE. every day, i checked the theater seating and no one was there right? plus i really wanted us to have the theater to ourselves. so we sit in the wrong seats, the row in front of us, STILL THINKING WE’RE ALONE. and then these 3 older people came in AND IM ABOUT TO SCREAM FHSJSH AND IM LIKE “are we in your seats?” and they we were like uh yeah, AND IT WAS SO BAD LMAOO , we’re moving and everything would’ve been FINE but my friend’s reclined seat was going down so slow and as it’s going shes LITERALLY SAYING ALOUD “awkward awkward awkward” so she thinks forget it, lemme just get up. HER BAG GETS CAUGHT ON HER CHAIR AND HER FRIES AND THEY SPILL ALONG WITH HER HONEY MUSTARD 😭😭 ALL OVER THE FLOOR! so i’m trying not to laugh lmao but those aren’t even our seats and we just made a mess, so naturally, i get on the floor and start cleaning it up with my napkins (this is going for too long) AND MY FRIEND IS STILL SAYING “awkward awkward awkward awkward” and i’m really abt to crack up bECAUSE LIKE SHUT UP HAHAHA and we’re cleaning it and shit and the oldest lady is gonna say “yeah you’re not gonna make an old lady get on the floor, are you?” AND I WANTED TO LAUGH AND SCREAM AT THE SAME TIME BC DID WE ASK YOU TO, NO, so then i had to get the manager and she helped us clean it, we got new fries and everything was fine, it’s just a crazy story bc LITERALLY WE COULDVE AVOIDED IT AND EVERYTHING BUT THESE ELDERLY PEOPLE HAD TO COME AND SEE THIS MOVIE😭😭 at least the gentlemen was nice.. he helped us clean. but then his wife was like “i aM nOt siTTiNg tHeRe” and at first i thought she was a teenager bc of her stink attitude but her husband was nice. and it’s not like we weren’t cleaning it up, we were!!! like i was so apologetic- anyway.

about sims! do you play console or pc? wait,, you already told me you play pc bc your computer was broken, i’m glad you can play now though :’)) litetally when i read in the tags that you’re playing sims !!!! and are you hyped for bunk beds? i have cc so i’ve had them for a bit, but they were glitchy... but i’m so excited we have them now! i should really play sims today...

GURL IM SO PROUD OF YOU 🥺🥲 i know you aren’t fluent in everything and you aren’t a linguistic genius LMAO but it’s still soooo amazing :’) here i am reading the captions while ur just going hahah, yea i tried duolingo but.... i didn’t stick to it HDJSH talking to you though makes me so interested because you know all these languages, not even studying them like that, but you have this foundation and ahh it’s just super cool. LOL YOU DONT SOUND LAME HAJA IM TELLING YOU ITS SO SO COOL, i’m loving this lesson btw oh my goodness- HSKAJS YOU THOUGHT I WOULD ALREADY KNOW THAT??? HDYSJHS MY ONLY ENGLISH SPEAKING ASS??? HAHAHAHHAH i find that word (Rindfleischetikettie- i’m not gonna write the whole thing i’m sorry) very interesting... like... wow. did you have to google that or did you just know lmao

OKAH THE WATER THING HDKDJDKS UR GONNA TERRIFY ME HAHAH OH MY LORD- first of all CROATIA 😍😍 but thinking about it like that, I WOULD FREAK OUT TOO HAHSGSG i never go that deep into the water, or if i do i have my dad with me lol and i kind of hold onto him bc ive seen/heard too many things about people being dragged into the sea. but i loveee the water (i wanted to be a mermaid soooo bad ohmigosh)

I DONT UNDERSTAND HOW ONE CANNOT LIKE MUSIC ITS AWFUL !! lmao yeah i haven’t even listened to harry’s his first album, everyone says they love it more. I WAS GONNA SAY IMMA LISTEN TO ONLY ANGEL BUT THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE IT HUHAHAH also i have never listened to anything by mgk (i actually had to google who he was IM SORRY😔) i’m tempted to listen tho lol PLEASE JUSTIN BIEBER- I PROMISE IM NOT LAUGHING AT U IVE JUSY NEVER HAD SOMEONE SAY THAT B4!! like i don’t know many people who’ve liked him bUT NOW IM GONNA LISTEN & the cardboard cutout- okay. 😭😭😭

oh my goodness to see the vamps live 🤧 TO SEE ANYONE LIVE PLEASE JJDGSHAHGD and little mix is so good oh my goodness- i actually haven’t been to that many concerts.. i was at my first one, elsie fest (it’s like a broadway thing really) in uhhh october of 2019, yea i took my mom for her birthday bc she loves darren criss and i’m obsessed with glee lmao OH MY GOODNESS YOUVE BEEN TO SO MANY!!! and those are such great artists 😩😩

LMAO UR FINE, hamilton is a musical that lin manuel miranda wrote and i think generally made? i’m obsessed, but basically it was on broadway and then recorded and put on disney+ ... idk i guess it counts a film bc it’s like a movie really cuz it was recorded but in what 2018 or 2016? i don’t remembers the date that is on disney+ but it’s strange how i got into it, a lot of my friends were obsessed and i was like uhh why? and while researching it and watching it, trying to figure out why people love it... i fell in love with it LMAO but the music is FANTASTIC and lin is incredible😭 but yes yes yes i loveeeee high school musical!! my dad actually took my cousins to see it on ice or something (i absolutely forget lmao) but i don’t know how people don’t know hsm. it upsets me.

OKAY IM DOWN TO THE BOTTOM HAHAHA (it takes me so long to respond, now i’m on lion king 2 WHICH IS SO GOOD PLEASE FHHSSHHSHSH) i could respond in chunks but i kind of enjoy responding like this? it feels a bit like a letter but if this whole thing is overwhelming i’ll cut it up lol

+ yes that was me about your fic and sleep and everything lol but it was so good😭 i don’t understand how you write peter so well like you have this ability to capture his.. everything? i’m crine. all the time. over your fics. & i cannot describe my happiness for youuuu :’) i’m so happy you’re writing again 🥺🥰 the thing about how you only want to write the long peter fic but you don’t know how to continue... i feel that so so so hard, i don’t think i told you but ughh i was so blah bc of that feeling of having pent up inspiration for only one fucking thing and not being able to write it. it’s so frustrating 😭

not to add more to this but i need to vent a bit? the situation is definitely different bc with your major it obviously requires for you to ya know, know english lol, but uhm bc i’m homeschooled ive been cheating on all my work SHSHDHSJ like i google the answers but i’m still learning! it’s just..... i find it so unnecessary, like going for an audition no one is gonna say to me “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” like tf??? there’s literally no point. i’m gonna be getting into voice lessons again soon and i’m already doing dance, AND i’ll be doing this summer camp program (more hamilton lol) and thinking about school is only making me stress more, like i haven’t been able to rehearse dance at all this week bc of it...... so

hahaha reading your tags, lonely anon would still be accurate HAHAHHAHA // another add: yea i love ur current theme, i’ve gotten used to “seeing you” like this, but anything will look super pretty :)) ALSO HOW IS IT STILL SNOWING THERE, i swear it’s getting warmer and warmer by the day here 😭🤧

these long ass posts, my gosh🥲 lonely lovely anon <3

Omg yes it does feel like a letter sldkdj and then the few days of waiting also make more sense okay i love this ❣️💕❤️💓❤️💞🧡💜💘(wtf)sksjhz

Dear lovely anon,

ALSKSJVKD yes i‘m liking falcon and winter soldier dlkdh i haven‘t watched the second episode yet but i‘ll watch it tomorrow! but i didn‘t watch wandavision........ eidislskks i was going to but idk i wasn‘t that interested in it and watching series is already too much of a commitment (what can i say i‘m a Sagittarius—🤧 (no i’m joking i actually know NOTHING about starsigns)) didjj that i couldn‘t force myself to watch it, ALSO i hate (idk if this is an unpopular opinion) when every episode is like a whole hour. i‘m rewatching an old series today (it‘s german so i won‘t even get into it) and the episodes are 25 mins each and i‘ve already watched 8 episodes today ridlndjdjd,,, and i feel like if the episodes were an hour each i wouldn‘t have gotten past episode 2 today like idk.... even if series had the same length in total, i prefer when the individual episodes are shorter idk why tho tbh (so yeah i already wasn‘t 100% convinced about watching wandavision so i just couldn’t make myself watch a bunch of 1hour episodes— i‘ve heard that it‘s good tho- but i‘m not much of a series person so. Dldkk (have we talked about this already??? sorry i don‘t remember what i said lol and i couldn‘t find my own post anymore so dkdjsh) (WAIT I JUST CHECKED THE WANDAVISION EPIOSRDES ARENT EVEN THAT LONG??? Okay wait i might watch it now - did you like it? let me know if i should watch it— why did i think they were 60minutes???)

okay another confession i‘ve never watched the lion king????? i mean i watched it when i was a child but i was too young to actually pay attention to any kind of plot i just liked the songs lol sldkdj i‘ve been meaning to watch it for years tho 🦁 (idk it just felt appropriate to put a lion emoji lmoaoo)

OH MY GOD THE CHAIS WALKING/CINEMA STORY AHSJSKKS😭😭😭😭 NOOOOO (very fitting that there was so much chaos when you were watching a film that has chaos in the title loool) and the “awkward awkward awkward“ SAME SKSKSLSKDJ, that‘s literally me 24/7 ahajshshhshshsh. Like i was so skdjdjdkdllsldksnsnsnsb while i read what you sent me djslslsjdjdbdn why are old ladies always so grumpy btw 🥲🥲🥲 at least the man was nice tho! and wait did i read that right... you have fries (which, to me, are called chips dusuusldk) at your cinemas?? (Movie theatres sorry sksjsh) we just have popcorn and nachos and drinks i want chips too when i‘m watching a film what😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺

Also i still haven’t watched it so thanks for not spoiling it!!! (idk when i’ll watch it i’m so bad with films and even worse with series💀💀💀- same with cherry. i literally forgot all about cherry, i was SO hyped when the trailer came out like i’ve never been so excited about a movie... and then it came out... and i still haven‘t watch it like what‘s wrong with me???? Dkdjdjdjdklsl i feel like i‘m not gonna watch it anytime soon tbh, but i wanna watch chaos walking i just have to find the time

Okay and @ your other friend who wasn‘t paying attention like why are you even watching the film then???? but ok (omg this sounds so mean i‘m sure she‘s very nice but in this situation just like❔❔❔)

SIMS ahhh, BUNK BEDS, ahhhh sdljdjdjdkdkdldksj i actually haven‘t played it since the update 🤧🤧 i made both of my sims (enisa (bestselling author already, thank you) and michael (aspiring doctor)) go to university and bro it takes so long 😭😭 and you can‘t do anything else if you want them to do well so literally the last three times i played sims i was just constantly clicking their homework and computerd to write their assignments (i play it in german so idk what its called on the sims) and do their presentations and do them all over again so that they get better or whatever for HOURS, but imma play again soon

also i‘m living my fanfiction life loool, so i made my two sims neighbours (on the same plot tho but i made two small separate houses lol, i still wanted to control both of them at the same time but i made sure they didn‘t interact before i wanted them to skdjdjdk). and first they both experimented and got some experience in the love department you know (all genders, cause i have to live my sexuality even in a pc game slskdjh— wait, i‘ve never lived my sexuality irl like i‘ve done NOTHING nothing with guys nothing with girls (🥲) but maybe that’s why i want to do it even more in the sims) and then they met at uni and realised like hey we‘re neighbours and now they‘re together (but michael accidentally had an alien baby with another woman (who was an alien which i was not aware of) cause i wasn‘t paying attention like i said woohoo not try for baby like michael why is your pull out game so weak tf LSHDDHDJDJSKKDKSKDKS okay but making out and flirting and doing all the fun stuff in the sims turns me on way more than it should PFAHAHHAHSH) so idk why i told you this but I’m creating that neighbour!au in the sims lmaoooo

i did not have to google Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsübertragungsaufgabengesetz (just did it again😌 sisjshhs) but i might have mixed up the words überwachung und übertragung or i might have even forgotten a word skskks but in the end it doesn‘t matter (by linkin park- ok i‘m so sorry it‘s 2 am and i have a headache from having waveformers in my hair all day but i still wanted to reply to this now so sorry if i‘m not making any sense right nowbahahshah)

i wanted to be a mermaid too dldjdksksj like h2O and all those series convinced me i could be one like. i remember i‘d always go in the deep pool and attempt to swim like them in all the series with that wave motion i must have looked so crazy with my goggles as well dkdjsksöksj (i was like twelve but still)

so mgk has two sides one is hip hop/rap which is like ~~~~ idk he has good and bad songs, but his latest album is like punk pop snd I LOVE IT SO SO SO SO SO MUCH, so if you like punk pop I’d recommend his album tickets to my downfall (i don‘t blame yoj if you don‘t like it tho like about a year ago i would have HATED that type of music dkdkdkkd)🥴

Okay talking about music, there‘s this german rapper and he is... not a good person. he‘s literally a criminal and extremely sexist but to me he‘s still hot???????? he‘s even cute at times even tho he has tattoos everywhere and is like 6‘5 and is super aggressive but i see him and i‘m like 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 my heart beats only for you💘💘💘💘and he released a new song today and i watched the video and i‘m wondering wtf is wrong with me 😃 (he did look particularly cute cause he was high so idk he wasn’t really aggressive in this one) 😭 so i thought i‘d share that LMAO IDK

(not saying tattoos aren‘t cute btw i LOVE tattoos imma get some soon, but you know he looks like someone your grandma would be afraid of (and in his case rightfully so💀)

okay wait i‘m getting so tired it‘s 2 am i think i‘ll have to do the rest tomorrow but i wanted to do it now😭🥺🥺 see you tomorrow

it is now 3:42 am and i couldn‘t sleep so here we go again

girl you can laugh at me for liking justin tho skskks i wanna laugh at myself idk, like i said i really really really liked him a few years go, basically my life was at least 50% justin and then he went on a break for a while and released an album last year which i hated 🥴 but this album is wow. (Still weird to me because it‘s literally the definition of pop and i don‘t ever listen to pop?) and it‘s so weird because i used to know so much about justin and had so many friends who loved him as well and now it‘s like I’m listening to someone new? Don‘t get me wrong i never KNEW justin and i never will and i‘m aware of that shahsh but yeah i used to be soooo used to him and it‘s like reconnecting with an old friend and you realise you don‘t know that friend anymore- like you don‘t know them anymore at all. I mean justin is weird nowadays 😂😂😂 so pls laugh at me tbh dskksjsjsh

awww it‘s so wholesome that you gave your mom tickets to the concert 🥺🥺🥺🥺 i gave my mum tickets for pink like 2 years ago and she loved it so much and i was like 🥰🥰🥰 (i went with her) AND OMG GLEE ok so unfortunately i barely remember glee, but i used to watch it too!!!! And it‘s actually on my list of series i wanna watch (again) so youre making me want to watch it even more (but like i said i‘m bad with series so 😩😩😩 who knows when i‘ll rewatch it)

When all this pandemic shit is over (let‘s be hopeful <3333) then you need to go to as many concerts as possible!!!!! i‘ve been to SO MANY and it‘s literally one of the things in my life i‘m the most grateful for, concerts are some of the best experiences i‘ve ever had in my life especially the ones that are in smaller concert halls where you can feeeel the vibe and everyone‘s energy (and that sounds awful thinking about it mid-pandemic 😐) anyway—

Okay omg you‘re absolutely making me want to watch hamilton right now like omg i WANT TO WATCH IT NOW but it‘s 4 am sodndkdldl

what you said about my peter fics🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺like omg i love these emojis they literally just describe how i felt when reading what you said so, yes, 🥰🥺 + thank you :) it really means a lot <3

and no omg i totally get the studying thing. like last year before i graduated .. was that last year? yes wtf omg okaykdjdj, so the last three months before i had my final exams we were just in a lockdown and we didn‘t even have online classes. We had nothing except one teacher who left our group chat (😭) because she was mad at us (?) and one maths teacher who did an online ““lesson““ once a week. he‘d ask: so does anyone have questions. us: . Him: okay, bye then. So. Yeah dndldldj. But we had one online test and it was in german and like i read the book wee were supposed to read? but the questions on the test were all unanswerable (is that a word?) and i had to google everything (got an A tho 🤪 but only because i googled everything so i was so scared that i wouldn‘t be able to get a good result on the final exam because what if i‘d gotten used to just googling everything and i couldn‘t do it by myself anymore? anyway it was all fine in the end but yeah at times i couldn‘t even study because i had so much anxiety about studying and yeah- like this whole annoying cycle. but you said you‘re still studying———- okay wait 👁👄👁 i forgot what i was going to say??????????????????????????????????????????????????? Like wtf. Is wrong with me? And i‘m reading what you wrote again and i just don‘t know what i was going to say? Like i get what you‘re saying obviously but i‘m like? Idk 4am brain ayeee, please vent more if you need to and elaborate further because right now i‘m???? Too dumb to respond to this right now wtf. I‘m so sorry lmao ddlkdjdjd what is even going on like i‘m sitting here open mouthed just like ? But btw the fact that you have Voice and dance lessons is like SO FUCKING COOL like oh my god that is sosososos cool wtf, i was thinking that when you first talked about it too

And “i want you to chanel the knowledge within yourself of the centripetal force of the circle that is the table on this stage” ODHDKSLDBDJDOFIDKDNDLDK

Yes i know about the weather dkdkdkjd but it‘s getting (a lot) warmer here too and where i live we kind of get a weird type of wind called föhn (which literally means hair dryer but idk if that‘d the reason why it‘s called that, i‘m too tired to think of whether it makes sense rn) and it gives me headachesssssss and the changing weather is also giving me headaches 😭😭😭😭 so this season right now is just headache season and i hate summer so i wish it would just snow again lmao (okay it‘s getting so late that it‘s early already snd i can hear this bird chirping so fucking loud wtf i‘m also getting a headache 🤧🤧🤧) but at least i can do my new theme soon (i hope it‘ll look good🥺 and omg thank you for what you said about my current theme- i always feel like i‘m so bad with aesthetics, i obviously like my theme but i feel like every single person on tumblr has a theme that is prettier than mine so it was very nice to hear you say that you love it👉🏼👈🏼 (i‘m so used to it by now that i actually hate it lmao so it‘s getting yeeted soon and i‘m making megan thee stallion my pfp 🤪 (if the graphics and shit works out skdjdjdj)

[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[roughlybarnes]

Blur - Avengers pt.1

Pairing: Platonic! Avengers x Reader

Warnings: ANGST! Alcohol, weed, self destructive behavior!! Depression (?)

Request: none

a/n: I WANTED TO TRY ANGst AND NO ONE IS REQUESTING IT SO (ALSO THIS IS LIKE WRITTEN FROM EXPERIENCE DONT COME FOR MY ASS PLS)

This is part 1!! Because I hit the text blocks limit grrrr.

It had been days you locked yourself in your room. You occasionally left to search the liquor cabinet or use the bathroom but that was it.

You had decided to stop taking your antidepressants, you didnt consult anyone, you knew what they'd say, it was a bad idea, you weren't ready.

Once the last of them left your system you felt absolutely worthless and hopeless. You hadn't felt really anything in the longest time, and it hit you like a ton of bricks.

You knew the right thing to do was to start taking them again. But you felt more alive, you weren't numb.

You picked up your old habits immediately. Smoking had always calmed you down, and the drinking just was a distraction.

Tonight you were going out. One of your old friends was visiting and you had no choice. You smoked before leaving.

On your way out, you attempted to avoid everyone. But unfortunately, you bumped into Tony and Peter.

"Y/n? Are you feeling okay?" Peter asked, clearly not realizing what you had done, he was innocent, naive. You wished you were the same.

"Im fine." You mumbled, going to walk past to the elevator.

"Hey! Where are you going?" Tony said in a frustrated tone.

"Some club." You shrugged, and with that, you left.

You walked into the crisp chilly autumn air, spotting your cab across the street.

Once you got to the club and saw your friend, you quickly made your way to her.

"Hey mama! Havent seen you in a while!" She greeted.

"It has been a long time hasnt it." You grimaced.

The two of you did shots and shots together, your mind getting foggy and you couldnt see straight.

A guy approached you, your friend had disappeared and as usual you just wanted to go home.

He was touchy and just too much. He kept asking for your number and flirting. He tried to dance with you but you made it clear to him you weren't up for it.

He was persistent, he dragged you to the dance floor and grabbed you and you felt vulnerable and scared. You tried to make it to the bathroom and with luck you got out of his grip and did it.

You grabbed your phone, who could you text? You thought of the avengers as family, they would be so disappointed. But you had no one else.

Which one of the group would be least likely to lecture you? You could already picture a lecture from Tony and Steve.

You decided to text Bucky. He might lecture you but he's also willing to help first.

'borky'

'Y/n'

'can youu cime pick me up, om in a situastion, im scsred'

'send address.'

You did as he told you.

'Outside. Do you need me to come in.'

You responded a simple no and gathered yourself, stumbling your way out of the club. You didnt see the guy thankfully.

Missing the door handle completely, you fell into the side of the car.

Bucky quickly got out and picked you up, opening the door and putting you inside and buckling you.

"I couldve done that." You slurred.

"Sure you couldve." He smiled and it fell the second he looked at you, he silently closed the door and walked back to his side.

After a 10 minute silent ride, you spoke up.

"I'm sorry Bucky." You whimpered.

"Its okay."

"Its not okay, I fucked up, you cant even look at me right now." Your eyes filled with tears.

"We can talk about it when youre sober, okay?"

"I dont want to."

"Talk about it?"

"Be sober."

You heard him sigh.

He didnt speak again until you got home.

"We're here."

You got yourself out of the car and practically ran inside to lock yourself in your room.

After an hour or two of not sleeping, you decided to just go smoke. It was five in the morning.

Assuming no one was awake, you grabbed a blunt from your room and went to the balcony.

You lit the blunt, taking hits until someone walked out.

Since it was your luck, it was Steve. You put it out in the ash tray.

"What are you doing awake?" You turned to him.

"I always train early in the morning."

"What about you?"

"Cant sleep." You mumbled. You knew what you looked like. You were wearing almost nothing, you hair was a mess and your makeup was still on. You hadnt eaten in days and hadnt slept in even more time.

"Are you okay y/n?"

You contemplated telling him. You stopped taking your medicine, the pills that made you want to live. What made life seem worth it to you. You knew you couldn't though. Telling someone was a bad move.

"I'm doing fine." You shrugged, turning to go back to your room, but he grabbed your shoulders.

He looked at your face, staring you in the eyes for a few seconds.

"Y/n..."

"All good." You struggled to smile but did it anyway.

He let go of you and you quickly raced to your room.

-

The next two days you successfully avoided everyone.

Your phone had several missed calls and texts from Wanda and Peter. Since you were one of the younger avengers, they were your closest friends.

All of the avengers knew you and your problems but you felt more comfortable around the two of them.

You decided to block out everyone, you felt like everyone would be better off without you anyway.

There was a knock at your door and you thought about opening it. You were high, as usual.

Another knock.

And another.

The door opened, even though you thought you locked it.

"Go away." You whined, and pulled your blanket over your head.

"Y/n!" Peters small little voice yelped.

Your room was quite frightening. Bottles of vodka and rum littered everywhere, clothes thrown in every spot, and weed on ever counter place.

"Mhm."

He walked over to your bed, ripping your blanket off you to realize you weren't wearing really anything besides underwear and socks.

"Have you been eating?"

"Nope." You popped the p.

Your head was more cloudy than ever. Your eyes were almost shut.

Peter quickly grabbed clothes to put on you and dressed you himself. He sat down on the bed next to you and tried to sit you up.

"Why not." He huffed.

"Because have you seen me. I dont deserve anything." You angrily said.

"Y/n. You need to eat."

"I dont need to do anything."

"Dont you need to eat with your pills?"

"If I was taking them, yeah."

"You went off them?"

"Duh."

He looked at you with sad eyes.

"Please eat, I'll go whever in the city to get whatever you want." He begged.

"No, Peter."

"Yes, y/n."

"I'll just go to the kitchen." You groaned, shifting and standing up.

Your knees gave out after your first step. You bit your lip and tried to stop the tears in your eyes, had you really let it get this far?

[internethorrorfan]

Commentarypasta: Slenderman vs. Eyeless Jack (originally posted on deviantart in 2017)

You know what's almost as creatively bankrupt as Jeff the Killer wannabe stories and Slender Mansion fics? Versus stories. Today's gem, hailing from the Spinpasta wiki, is one such story. Because why write original suspenseful horror stories or possibly put a new creative spin on an older idea or character when you can just take two unrelated creepypasta icons and have them lay a WWE smack down on each other, right? Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this story... Slenderman vs. Eyeless Jack by OptimusPrime27 There are legends of the Slender Man. Some say he's a kind nurturing father figure that lives in a big beautiful mansion full of other monsters and killers as one big happy loving family who do all sorts of cute family activities with each other when they're not going on mass murder sprees. Nobody over the age of 12 believes such things.

He is a dark spirit. He is truly evil. Wait, what you mean to tell me is that the murderous, child snatching eldritch abomination who forces people to become his slaves in order to commit horrific acts on his behalf is evil? You don't say? He stalks people and murders them. But now he is gone. He's been gone. People don't know why, but he just... disappeared. Everything changed after the Fire Nation attacked. One day, he just left. Never to be seen again. Except in terrible fanfiction written by pre teen girls. Only a few people still remember him. This sentence is so easily contestable that I won't even bother. I wouldn't even know he existed if it wasn't for that dark, dark night... and that video-game that made. That sort of helped... This joke might have been funny is the grammar wasn't messed up.

You see, Slender Man disappeared because less people feared him. This sounds awfully similar to Freddy's plot in Freddy vs. Jason. Instead of that dark, mysterious force he became that cool, popular guy. "Yo Slenderbro, pass me that brewski when you're done droppin' those phat beats!" Just that guy. People didn't care how terrifying he really was, they just liked him. What if people liked him because he was terrifying? I like Slenderman because he's creepy.  Creepy if done well at any rate. Video-games, toys, shirts, Hold the phone here, since when has there official Slenderman merch? he was everywhere. Less people feared him, and he became more of an internet icon than a despicable creature. So you can't be a despicable creature and internet icon at the same time? Someone better tell [insert well known internet personality who gets a lot of hate here)! More people knew him and they learned to stay away from him, how to avoid him, There's no official way to avoid Slenderman. and thus he didn't get their souls. Many people don't know this, but Slender Man needs souls. Many people don't know this because you completely made it up. They give him energy. He harvests them. He feeds of them. He lives. But now people don't fear him at all. He's just that guy.

That guy. He's just that guy who stalks people, kidnaps kids and drives people insane. Ya know, nothin' special.

But you see, Eyeless Jack is a different story. A story so bad its own writer personally asked for it to be deleted from the creepypasta wiki.

Eyeless Jack is a dark, undead spirit. Says who? A young boy brutally murdered, his eyes ripped out of their sockets. A vengeful spirit, Eyeless Jack's a ghost now? he spent the rest of his eternity getting his revenge. Which he accomplishes by eating random people's kidneys. Out to find the man who killed him. Until then, he could never truly be at peace. Less powerful and less famous, Jack was just a little kid compared to Slender Man. Which might have something to do with Slenderman being 6-10 feet tall. No match for this monster. Stories over! Goodnight everybody! Slender Man is basically the king of modern horror. I'm a huge Slender-verse fan and even I think that's bit of an overstatement. How can he be the king of modern horror anyway if supposedly no one takes him seriously or cares about him anymore? Creepy, mysterious. Slender Man has given existence to many wannabes and copy-cats like Jeff the Killer or Laughing Jack. Laughing Jack and Jeff the Killer have nothing at all to do with each other let alone Slenderman.

Slender Man saw potential in Eyeless Jack, and decided to use his superior power to manipulate the poor lost soul. This is literally just the plot of Freddy vs. Jason. One night, Jack was lurking through the forest, when Slender Man, now weak but still more powerful than Jack, appeared before him. Jack was shocked, but then the figure seemed to disappear into thin air. Jack turned around as Slender Man reappeared in front of him. Slender Man began to stalk the evil spirit as he ran through the forest. What sounded like static assaulted Jack's ears. He fell down and began to faint, everything else in the world fading away... Slender Man was now in control of Jack, and ready for the harvest. Now this is where I get involved. Me and my friends were having a sleep-over. It was a dark, rainy night. Lemme guess: You really wanted to write "it was a dark and stormy night" but you realized that was too cliché even for something called "Slenderman vs. Eyeless Jack" so you thought wording it differently would mask the unoriginality.  Newsflash: it didn't. We were watching a crappy, blood-filled generic horror film, yet we kept screeching. We didn't know what true horror was yet. It's certainly not this story, I'll tell you that much. Not yet. You could’ve removed those last two words entirely and just said you "didn’t know what true horror was. Yet". We heard the back door creek open, so me and my friend Anne went to go see. The suspense was killing us. Suspense from what? The door creaking open? Do you guys flip out every time there's a light breeze? The entire house was pitch black. Turn on the lights then. We stepped into the dark hallway and slowly stepped closer and closer to the door. We heard heavy breathing from behind the door. And...JUMPSCARE! We went to grab the door knob, and when we saw what was behind it, we shrieked in terror. It was just our friend Mark. You held the tension here for 1 sentence. He and his friends Brad and Chuck were here. The idiots tried to scare us. "They're gonna be dead soon is what I'm saying." Me and Mark are sort of more than friends, but not really dating. Just sort of... into each other or something. It's complicated. We watched the movie together, and the guys kept making fun of us when we got scared, but they themselves kept getting freaked out now and then. Suddenly, we heard glass breaking. Mark volunteered to go check it out because how we were such "chickens". His words, not mine. I'd say that last sentence was completely superfluous but this whole story is completely superfluous. He walked into the hallways, closing the door behind him. He saw broken glass on the floor. He knew somebody had broken in. He turned around to warn us, but saw a masked, hoody-wearing creature. I thought he was a spirit. Now he's a creature? The mask was blue, with deep, empty, black holes where the eyes were supposed to be. I asked myself this same question when reading the original Eyeless Jack but how can they tell he has no eyes when he's wearing a mask in the dark?

The creature grabbed Mark's throat, squeezing it tightly. Mark gasped for breath, but the grasp on Mark's throat increased in strength. Tighter, tighter, until Mark couldn't breathe. Mark closed his eyes and dropped down onto the ground as the creature finally let him go. The creature observed his corpse, as if marveling at his own work of demented art. Oh no, not Mark! He was such a well developed character that we knew so well!

It was half an hour later, and we were worrying. I went to go check on him and found his corpse. So all of you just stood there and waited for 30 minutes while a monster choked Mark to death instead of alerting the police? What truly wonderful people you guys are.  I nearly puked. There was no brutal damage or harm to it, but that's what scared me. In the movies it's always bloody and chopped up, nearly unrecognizable. But this was... was so real. Just a lifeless body there on the ground, nothing more to it. The police said he was strangled to death by... something. Poor Eyeless Jack always getting described as a "something". The finger prints on his neck Fingerprints is one word. Like, nobody writes "head aches" or "bed rooms" do they? were something odd. They tasted great! They scanned them and all, but the person they belonged to was murdered long ago. Jack Robins was a young boy who was brutally killed back in the 1970's. I sure am glad these cops committed every important detail of this decades old case to memory. His parents were on a date, and he was being babysat by a local teen trying to get some quick cash. You say that as if all teen babysitters aren't just looking for quick cash.

A strange man broke in while he was asleep and the sitter was busy on the phone. Being on the phone doesn't automatically cancel out all other sounds. I think she'd be able to hear someone breaking in. The man went through the house stealing everything he found useful. The sitter saw him and shrieked, only to be shot down by the robber. The robber found Jack and pulled out his carving knife. Jack saw him and shrieked. The robber, not wanting to get caught, shot him, and then cut his eyes out with the knife. Why? How could cutting out Jack's eyes possibly benefit him in any way? If he's trying to be sneaky then carrying someone's eyeballs around would be super easy to trace. There is literally absolutely no reason for this guy to cut out Jack's eyes other than "well he's gotta become Eyeless Jack somehow!"

I was shocked when I heard this. That poor kid. But what was the killer doing with his fingerprints? Was it a coincidence? You don't know what coincidences are, do you? Was the killer the same one who did this terrible, terrible thing all those years back, and the sicko kept Jack's hands with him? If the killer took Jack's hands the cops would've said that. How is that your first thought? Why would a robber cut off the hand of someone they murdered, keep it on their person and use it decades later to strangle some random person to death? I was scared. Me and my parents were staying in a hotel room since the murder, but I couldn't help but wonder if he was still in the house... Meanwhile, in the woods, Jack woke up. He saw that he was in Slender Man's body. I'm sorry, what? This is a body swapping story now? Why does "Slenderman vs. Eyeless Jack" need to be about body swapping? But more importantly, he actually saw. He discovered that Slender Man didn't just take over his body, he switched both of their souls into each other's bodies. I have so many questions. This story keeps calling Jack a spirit so how can he have even have a body/soul to swap? Since when did Slenderman have a soul? Didn't this story also say Slenderman ate souls?  How would swapping souls allow Eyeless Jack to see? How can EJ do all the things he does if he can't see? I have the sneaking suspicion that none of these questions will go answered. Jack, now able to see, used this to follow the Slender Man's foot prints to the house. The police were investigating the scene of the crime, and went into the basement. The entire house was totally dark. If the power went out it'd be nice of you to let us know that. The two police man walked slowly down the stairs, and entered the dark room. The basement was flooded up to the police men's ankles because of the rain. Our house was an old one and it was always in a really crappy condition. Get it remodeled it then.

They found the old light switch and flipped it, only to be attacked and killed by Slender Man in Jack's body. He took on the other cops as they ran down the stairs. Their bullets did nothing. The body may have been harmed, but it was just flesh and bones. Useless flesh and bones. If they're so useless why did Slenderman even do this whole body swapping thing in the first place? How does switching souls with Eyeless Jack benefit Slenderman in anyway?

As the battle in the basement was going on, Jack in Slender Man's body broke down the front door, searching for his impostor. He rushed down the stairs to confront Slender Man. Slender threw his knife into Jack's face, distracting him as he grabbed a metal pipe up from off the floor. He hit the already dazed Jack in the head, knocking him to the floor. Remember: Jack's in Slenderman's body. So according to this story Slenderman can be stabbed, dazed and knocked to the ground. Jack got up and pulled the knife out of his head, impaling Slender Man with it. Slender Man seemed to slow down for a bit, but no real harm was done. "Besides the gaping chest wound I mean." Slender Man tore the knife out and dropped it to the ground. It was useless. Slender Man hit Jack with an uppercut, grabbed him and threw him into the furnace, closing him in and turning it on. Jack struggled to break free, but Slender Man was holding him in with all his strength. Eyeless Jack's body is capable of picking up and throwing the body of Slenderman, who is a 6-10 foot monster with teleportation powers, tentacles, and psychic abilities. Ok then. Jack pushed against the furnace with all his might, and finally jumped out, tackling Slender Man over. He held Slender Man's face down under the water, trying to drown him, but Slender Man managed to push up and knock Eyeless Jak down. Wow, Slenderman knocked Eyeless Jack down so hard the c fell out of his name! Jack reached for a nearby tool bag and pulled out a drill, sticking it into Slender Man's face. He turned it on, and it began to cut into his face. Why is EJ trying to kill Slenderman when they've switched bodies? I assume the body swapping is the reason EJ is mad at Slenderman in the first place so why would he ruin his chances of ever getting his real body back? Guys, Eyeless Jack is drilling into his own face. Slender Man grabbed the drill and pulled it out, throwing it over onto the stair case. Getting shot, drowned and stabbed didn't kill him so cutting into his face with a drill probably wouldn't either. Shouldn't Eyeless Jack know the limitations of his own body? Slender picked up the carving knife, slashed Jack across the chest with it, and jumped up and cut a pipe above Jack's head. Tons of sewage poured down onto Jack, knocking him to the ground and covering him with the slop. Did the writer of this even know Slenderman's power set?

Slender Man left, leaving Jack to die. Slender Man grabbed a thing of matches on the kitchen counter, lit one, and threw it to the ground, burning down the building as he turned and ran out the back door. The entire house burnt up and collapsed in, crushing Jack completely and seemingly finishing him off. Slenderman is leaving his own body to burn to death. Slenderman of all beings should know fire doesn't hurt him! The police told me and my parents about what happened. The cops that were there were killed before any of this crap even happened. They didn't know anything about the two killers or what really went on, but they knew that the house burnt down. I was devastated, but I was hoping that... that THING... was killed in the fire. Can't be, the story's not over yet. Unfortunately. I thought it was all over. I wish it were all over so I could do something more productive with my time like watching paint dry. I told my parents I was ready to go back to school, but they hesitated to let me. We talked it through, and they decided I was okay.  What teenager wants to go to school?

The next day at school, my friends from the sleepover, Anne and Lauren, asked me what happened. I told them everything. Jack, how Mark died, the house burning down, etc.,etc. They were shocked. Everyone who overheard was shocked too. One kid approached us. He said that Jack never really died, and that he is still alive. Everybody that he was crazy, but he said that Jack's spirit still wanders the Earth, searching for the man who killed him. Who is this kid and how does he know any of this? The janitor saw all the commotion, and told the kid to go down to the principal's office. He turned to the rest of us and said to get to class. The principal told the kid that the legend of Eyeless Jack was just crazy talk.

Rumor spread that all these stories of monsters and ghosts and stuff was all actually real and the adults were keeping it from us, like some crazy conspiracy. This kind of conspiracy I hope. Now it was like a rebellion was on the horizon. How could these things really exist without anybody letting us know? It's our right to know these kinds of things! If they're trying to protect us it clearly isn't working because now Mark has been murdered! OK we get it author, you really like Freddy vs. Jason. Can you please quit rehashing plot elements from it?

I was angry. We were all angry. I'm angry because it feels like this story should be over by now. But we still had to carry on. The prom was coming soon, and I planned on asking Mark to go with me and maybe we could officially start dating, but then this whole crazy thing happened. Multiple people, including your own boyfriend,  have been brutally killed by supernatural forces and you're worrying about the damn prom? I went with Brad, Mark's friend, but I felt really guilty. Just because Mark was killed I went out with his best friend? It was messed up, I knew it. Yeah, taking your boyfriend's best friend to the prom the day after said boyfriend was murdered is pretty messed up.

Everything was fine at the prom, until... it happened. www.youtube.com/watch?v=0xe0Ba… Chuck and Anne sneaked away to make out or something dumb, and then he came. Obvious joke is obvious. They went over by the lockers and made sure nobody was looking, but then they heard footsteps. They thought they were caught, but it was much worse. That masked man that strangled Mark. It was here! It grabbed Chuck and held him up against the wall by his throat. Anne shrieked in terror as the creature stared into Chuck's eyes. Stared deep down into his soul. You'd think someone called "Eyeless Jack" would have a hard time staring at people. Then it took him and it threw him straight out the window. A car was driving by, and Chuck's body landed straight on the windshield, nearly shattering the glass. The principal and the gym teacher both came running to help us out, but they were no match. The masked man grabbed both of the two and hit their heads together, knocking them unconscious, and then he stuffed both of their bodies into a locker. He slammed the door, locking them inside, and then turned around to face Anne. He ripped a locker door off of the wall and hit her upside the head with it, knocking her down. Why is Slendy-in-Jack's body here in the first place? Doesn't he have better things to be doing than picking off stupid teenagers? She got up and ran, and the man... no, not a man... the DEMON rushed after her. Demon? Wasn't he a spirit earlier?

She ran into the gymnasium, where we all were, and told us to run. Too late. The creature bursted in and impaled her with a leg he tore off a desk. Ah yes desks: a common thing to find in gymnasiums. She dropped to the floor, and he tore the leg out of her corpse. We all ran out screaming, but some of us weren't as lucky. Me, Brad, Lauren, and the janitor all got out alive and took off in Brad's van. The janitor drove us away, and said that he knew about Eyeless Jack. What a totally non contrived coincidence that some random janitor at some non descript school knows all about Eyeless Jack, Slenderman and the conspiracy covering them up. He confessed to us, telling us that the kid from the hallway was right all along. He was privy to this information how exactly? They just didn't want kids knowing to try and keep them safe, but it clearly didn't work. As we were driving, a flaming man in a tuxedo ran out into the road,   Tuxedos and business suits aren't the same thing. and we accidentally hit him. The janitor thought it was a victim of Jack from the prom, He didn't notice that Slenderman was 6 feet tall and you know, lacking a face? so he rushed out to save him, but the faceless man got up and grabbed him, throwing him into the sky with all his might. We screamed in horror, and Brad leaped into the driver's seat, ramming over the man. So did the janitor come down or did he fly into outer space or something?

We drived off as it tried chasing us on feet, but we managed to escape. We were all scared, and none of us knew what was going on. I remembered the faceless tuxedo man, though. I could never forget him. It was the Slender Man. But he was real? Of course he's real! You've seen him attack people and you just ran him over with your car. UGH. We didn't know what was happening, You and me both. we just knew to get away as quick as possible. Meanwhile, Slender Man and Jack had a score to settle themselves. Jack (in Slender Man's body)arrived at the school to face his foe. A high school: truly the best place to stage the climatic showdown of your story.  The two saw each other, and nothing could stop them. Nothing else in the world mattered. It was just them, face to face again at last. Sure, Slender Man had won it the last two times, but now Jack knew better. Jack grabbed the knocked-over punch table, lifted it up over his head, and threw it right at Slender Man, knocking him over. It's damn confusing reading this and having to remember that EJ and Slenderman have switched bodies. Almost like it's pointless or something. Jack quickly ran over and started punching Slender Man repeatedly. Is EJ gonna use a single one of Slenderman's powers while inhabiting his body? Slender Man kicked Jack in the chest and knocked him over. Guess that answers my question. Slender Man started to kick Jack in the face over and over, even stomping on his head. Jack got up and overpowered Slender Man, picking him up and throwing him up on the stage. Jack ran over and jumped up, hitting Slender Man in the chest several times and damaging his decaying ribcage. Jack grabbed Slender Man by the throat and threw him down onto the ground. Jack grabbed one of the band's amps, lifted it up with all his strength, and dropped it down onto Slender Man. Jack picked up a bottle of water off the floor and poured onto his semi-crushed opponent, frying him completely. Eyeless Jack has apparently succeed in destroying his own body. Hooray?

Jack, victorious, left to find me and the others. We were at Brad's house, Can we please just stop with the constant POV and tense changes because this story is testing my patience as it is. and we went inside we saw his dad, dead, hanging from the ceiling by a rusty metal chain. NO! Not Brad's dad! He was almost as well developed a character as Mark! We were shocked, and Brad broke out crying. Me and Lauren let him have his moment, so we went in his room to discuss it. Lauren said that maybe somebody in the town was the one who killed him and that's why this is happening, but I knew it had to be something more. You think it might have something to do with those 2 monster guys running around? You know, the ones you killed your friend and that janitor right in front of you?

I mean, why was Slender Man there? Better question: why is this story still going? Brad walked in, still sad, and asked what was going on. Lauren told him her theory, but he didn't believe it either. Suddenly, a corpse was thrown straight through the window, crashing onto the foor. We all shrieked in terror as we saw the message. It was... written in blood on his chest! It said "If you yourself do not release than it will come to take a piece". "YOU ARE WRONG". He was spying on our conversation? How? Why? For what reason? Suddenly, Jack kicked the door down. Of course, he was in Slender Man's body so we couldn't tell it was Jack at first. How could you tell it was Jack after the fact? How do you know any of this crap involving Jack and Slenderman? He as holding the corpse of Brad's dad, and threw it right at Brad, knocking him to the ground. Brad screamed, and we all ran off, being chased by Jack. We got outside and into the van, but the tires were slashed. Suddenly, Jack ran out of the house and jumped up on the hood of the car, kicking the windshield. It shatter and broke open, and he reached in to get us. Brad kicked him in the face and we ran out, trying to escape on foot. Suddenly, a beaten up and bloodied Slender Man (in Jack's body) I think everybody knows they've switched bodies by now! ambushed us and stabbed Brad in the heart several times with his knife. We shrieked and ran off, when suddenly a car stopped right in front of us on the road. It was Brad's mom, home from shopping! How wonderfully contrived. She said she heard about what was happening and immediately left the store to get us! We drove off as the two monsters fought each other once again. Slender Man stabbed Jack in the face several times, but Jack was unharmed. Which Slenderman should know wouldn't work because it's his body. He grabbed Slender Man, lifting him up off the ground, and threw him into the streets. Jack charged at him, but Slendy kicked him in the stomach and then got up and punched his face several times. Jack overpowered Slendy and pushed him down to the ground, elbowing him in the face. The two struggled and pushed eachother around, until Slender Man managed to push Jack up and throw him off of him. Slender Man got up and ran off to find us, leaving behind Jack. Just finish him off already! There's no reason whatsoever to chase after these dumb kids!

We told Brad's mom what happened, from what happened to Mark, to Jack, to the house burning down, and what happened at the prom. She was depressed that her husband and her son were both murdered, and we were sad about all the murders too. "All these murders are a major bummer, man."

Suddenly, a truck rammed into the car and sent us off road into the forest. The truck chased us into the woods until we hit a tree and the car went tumbling down a path. We jumped out the first chance we got and watched in horror as the car rolled down the nearby docks and fell into the water. You're still alive...how, exactly? 

The truck came crashing after us, and Slender Man stepped out. He began to chase us, and we managed to get to an abandoned factory. We picked up a wooden plank and put in through the door handles, locking him out. If Slenderman was in his own body he could just teleport in the building. Hell, he could've teleport them outside the building if he had his old body. See what I mean about how switching bodies with Eyeless Jack doesn't benefit him in anyway? We went into another room so we wouldn't be able to hear the freak pounding on the door. We were terrified. There was no hope left. What could save us now? Hopefully nobody because all of you are such bland characters that I couldn't care less whether you lived or died.

Suddenly, Jack arrived. Slender Man turned around to face the creature, and was immediately kicked in the gut. He stumbled backwards and slammed into the door. Oh goody, another fight scene. Because we haven't had enough of those now, have we? He grabbed Jack by the throat and began to strangle him. He eventually just lifted Jack up by the throat and threw him down into the ground. He kicked Jack in the face several times, but Jack got back up. How do you kick a faceless man in the face? Jack grabbed Slender Man and threw him over into the distance. Slender Man saw a little canoe and picked up the ore, charging at Jack and impaling him through the ribs with it. Slenderman's body can apparently be impaled with a rock. Sure. Why not?

Jack pulled the ore out and hit Slender Man upside the head, knocking him down. Slender Man got up again, only to be smacked by the ore and sent flying. Slender Man landed on the docks, and Jack ran over at him. Meanwhile, we thought the coast was clear so we opened the door and looked outside, stupidly enough. We saw the two fighting on the docks and couldn't help but watch. Standing there and watching the two fight is obviously a better option than running away.

Jack hit Slender Man with an uppercut, knocking him over. Slender Man got back up and punched Jack in the face repeatedly, knocking him back a bit. Jack picked the ore back up and hit Slender Man in the face with it, knocking him down. Jack was serious now. This time...it's personal. He lifted the ore up above his head and pushed it down into Slender Man's chest. He kept stabbing him and stabbing him with it until Slender Man managed to get up and take the ore from him, throwing it into the water.

Lauren yelled out to us, pointing at a stick of dynamite she found. Oh there just happened to be a stick of dynamite lying around on these boat docks? Oh how convenient. What's next, is Brad's mom going to pull out a lighter she just so happened to have and use it to light the dynamite so they can kill Slenderman and Eyeless Jack? Brad's mom pulled out her lighter and lit it. I was joking! We threw it onto the dock as the two were fighting. This was it. Our last hope. Slender Man and Jack were brutally beating each other, and didn't notice the TNT. Suddenly, it finally went off, and it blew the two into the air. They went off into the sky, and crashed down into their watery graves. It was finally over! Oh thank God! Finally I can move on with my life! We were saved! We ran out to get back to town, but little did we know it wasn't over. Why not? Everything's been resolved. There's no reason to keep going.

Slender Man and Eyeless Jack awoke in a fiery pit, surrounded by a whole crowd of demons. They seemed to be chanting some weird spell, when a strange, creepy statue of Link from the Legend of Zelda series Oh come on! appeared before the two, and smiled deviously.

"Men..." he said, "What seems to be the problem?" You couldn't even have BEN say either of his catchphrases? Either "You shouldn't have done that." or "You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?" would have worked here. I sort of appreciate the shout out to one of the unused endings from Freddy vs. Jason but missed opportunity here, come on. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And that, my friends was "Slenderman vs. Eyeless Jack". I have but 1 question to ask: What the hell was the point of any of that? Slenderman eating souls, Eyeless Jack being a spirit, the town trying to cover them both up, Slenderman needing people to fear him in order to gain power and Eyeless Jack's whole backstory were all introduced and then forgotten about. None of the human characters were interesting and they barley impacted the plot at all. The body swapping was completely unnecessary and just made everything extra confusing for no reason and there were just way too many fight scenes. The whole thing just dragged. On the plus side the sentence structure was good and there were relatively few grammar mistakes. It's just that on top of all the other problems the whole premise was silly and it took itself way too seriously from the get go, which is my problem with most vs. fics to be honest.

[shytiff]

June Small Wins

1 - ecmocard meeting with ppl from aussie to learn to sort out data. Felt better after the meeting cause i didnt feel like doing anything before. Got two season deli box cake from dapur cokelat for nessa. Videocalled w her and ren.

2 - dr eva chatted and gave things to do. I also need to make intern log for dr retha. I just cant bring myself to start. Finally mustered the courage. Im not the type of person for wfh. At least in this house. Finished reading love or hate. I rly felt like shit at night.

3 - started reading positively yours. Had no will to do anything

4 - some more sending spss work for dr eva. weekdays with no “outside work” rly render me useless in functioning. a vegetable

5 - iluni webinar. Lost my attention during electrolyte and fluid stuff. tried to cook ribeye steak lmao (meat from @/fridaymeatshop). Its too chewy and leathery. But its not too welldone. And at least it tastes good. Went to depok by krl. its quite quick since krl arrived just after im at poris and duri. went ahead of silvi devi. satpam on the lobby wont open the access hhhh (i dont have one. i dunno why. mom said she cant find it although we supposedly have 2). but my mood improved once im upstairs. we prepped a bit of deco. conversed in the dark so not to make racheel suspicious. surprisee. had truffle belly chicken cheese for dinner. the cheese was not to cheesy, its more of a gentle taste. mushroom tastes better. we watched sweet and sour from my mobile data. surprisingly, its not that much of data. slept at like 12-1ish

6 - the electric token went out in the morning. we went for a walk in ui. the PLK man across of st ui forbade us from going in. ugh. but it was rly empty. so we went from barel. its empty on the library. there was a dog that walked along with us. talked a bit in front of the lake. went back. i got 2 moon chicken (the basic flavor and not the wings) and spicy jumeokbap. the jumeokbap was nothing like what i had in korea. like the seaweed’s taste doesnt come out that much, and its not that flavorful/savory. the one in korea its good even by itself. went back to jkt nebeng reza silvi with devi. originally planned to go to flavola, but my head kinda hurts, so i finished my moon chicken at the mushola and asked juan to pick me up. still feel healthy and normal after going and staying out, so i started reading a book abt handwriting analysis lmaoo. fell asleep. tried several attempts to figure out my bpjs number and turns out the best there is to respond is BPJS’ twitter. the problem was solved under 5 mins. 

7 - woke up, fell asleep again. Adita told me that i might be interviewed today for the ipd intern but theres no info. Did the registration stuff for my bpjs. Registered for npwp. Watched bts x na pd

8 - off to RSF. its audit day today. hiks to phonecall follow up work. i did not do anything inaco related, i just sat there and did dr dafsah’s excel. dr vera bought me pecel ayam hehe yay. went to como park to meet up with indah regen. tried ricotta pizza from pizza place (33k). the cheese is cheese but not that typical cheesy (?) coupled with mushroom. i had to add sauce to withstand the last bites (still kinda full). tried other’s as well, pesto and mushroom. pesto had the most taste. while waiting for doggo to arrive, we bought gelato (S: 35k). apparently their special flavor was ricotta lmao. tried green tea (bitter, which i like) and peanut butter + caramel, which makes you feel thirsty. watched the doggos from the sidelines. after maghrib we went to 1/15. ordered ice mocha (50k). the chocolate taste stood out more. not gonna order again lol. the staff initially recommended pandan flavor. took grab to gbk station to go home.

9 - rsf. second audit day. i hate it here lmao. im not even paid for my time here. excused myself to eat. turns out mbak Ai bought hokben. i almost forgot thanking her since i felt hungry with a bit of headache. talked a bit with dr retha regarding changes of assistant (since internship is soon). went back and immediately laid down in bed. mom bought pizza so thats what i ate for dinner. fell asleep (i can feel it. my face will get consequences)

10 - cant bring myself to do anything. i reread painter of the night lmao. seungho is a prick. inhun is also a prick (a greedy one). ate arirang bone marrow. put the egg-seasoning mixture to the pan since im not confident enough to just pour boiling water into the bowl. felt surprisingly full. went to sbux. green tea latte as usual. but turns out tumblr 50% promo only applies to sbux member. so i had to pay 40k for my green tea latte. at least i got to feel good from outside vibes. did some follow up for INACO patients. 

11 - went to rm rsf. Took lots of photos of RM. I was given rujak by the rm staff lmaoo so cute. Didnt do any entry afterwards lmao i just laid down

12 - breakfast is paldo jjajangmen and egg. It tasted like soy. Its good but not in a micin way. Its quite fulfilling. Had some of the beef slices by putting it in a buttered pan (is it pan fried? Grilled? Idk). Had banana and brownies together (makes it rly good). Did a bit of clires work. I drank sbux's caramel macchiato but yall my stomach cant handle it lmao. It hurts so much that i even got a headache. So i just laid down in bed

13 - had arirang again loll. Inserted the egg to the pan still, but quicker this time. Its too salty today. Maybe its not enough water. I was eating it while googling how to remove excess sodium. Ate the rest of beef slices (shared with bros ofc) and mixed some with moms fried rice. Ate banana brownies again. Felt soooo full. Did some clires work accompanied by sbux matcha

14 - i felt like shit this morning. Watched leahs vid. Listened to her podcast while having bfast. I walked from moms car to bougenville while still feeling like shit. It slowly gets better afterwards, thankfully. Did some clires and follow up. Went to gandy steak in dr retha's car (which had anesthesiology textbook inside). Tried aus sirloin steak. The bread tasted ok. The garlic bread also ok. The mashed potato was so so (the one in depok was more creamy and smooth). The steak was good, especially the fat part, the sauce so so. Honestly that depok steak had more value for money compared to this, i think. Nebeng dr rara and husband to busway station. Arrived in ar and i immediately showered, such wow 👏👏

15 - today is no rsf day aka self made wfh day. Moms getting vaccinated today. I just lazed. And read kanej fics

16 - off to rsf. Took care of rm stuff. Tried social affair's croffle since i was so curious (60k [10k tip]). The nutella and cinnamon sugar one. Its crunchy and a bit crumbly inside, but not as fragile as croissant. Its quite fulfilling too. But its basically flour batter variations. (thats what mom would say). randomly chatted racheel and we ended up taking a walk and a bit of jog citra 6 (with my sneakon regular shoes). My left tendon was screaming lol. Picked up by juan who surprisingly effortlessly found the address at night.

17 - mbak aan chatted me today to go to rscm. Met prof murdani at pesc and he gave me ppt assigment for 13:30 THAT DAY. Finished it unsatisfyingly (i wish i couldve done more). Lunch was free bebek bkb yay thankyou Prof c: (he even asked what did i ate) took care of legalisir stuff. Went home by tj. Drank matcha w vsoy and i somehow was not sleepy after maghrib. I also changed my desj layout. Maybe it kinda works to separate my spaces

18 - arrived at rscm at 8-ish. sent updated thibbun nabawi ppt. literature search. and then somehow its 14:30. went to SCI w ara wani rasyid. tried bandeng nyonya, oyster, salmon, cumi lada garam (its crazy good among all the good tasting food wtff), shrimp and pocai telor (veggie stuff). dessert was thailand cassava. spent about 190k. went back by TJ. had wudu at pulomas and prayed ashar on the bus lol. i passed out after playing w my phone lmaoo  

19 - spent almost the whole day just sleeping and eating. finally showered in the afternoon. had matcha vsoy latte after maghrib and with enough day sleeping, i did presentation outline. at like 1/2 am i initially planned to sleep but my eyes still have plenty of watts. so i read hold me tight. slept at like 4/5 am

20 - woke up at 9. off to om dokter’s house to ask for healthy letter. we talked almost the entire time im there lol. before u know it mom and dad’s done talking with grandma. om dokter shared some of his experiences in the past. and he said something about making your choice and living with it, and it will all have a meaning even if you might initially agonize about it. girl i was holding back tears. here he was talking about choices, something i never rly talk about at my house. im getting teary just typing this. he talked about it in a way that sounds simple, even though i agonized abt internship choices and sometimes avoid thinking about it. it rly rly was a new experience. i dont rly talk about “choices” with my parents. so hearing how to go through options in life from a person i can relate to regarding this med stuff is. i feel like i would have loved it if i can hear his wisdom earlier. i dont talk with him much if my parents are around bcs they will just meddle and say stuff that wreck my peace. they dont rly know what im going through but can be very opinionated. this peaceful one on one talk rly made me feel relieved and reassured. and i was today years old when i found out he initially wanted to be a psychiatrist. he would have been a great psychiatrist. i feel like we have some understanding thats left unsaid. like he knows how my parents are like. he would probably understand why i dont talk with him much at AR. after what feels super quick, we went back to AR. registered for STR. searched some literature for the topics that Prof is the moderator of. powered by matcha energy

21 - rscm as usual. the Prof did not come. lunch was bread i brought from home. waited for mom to pick me up at kfc so i bought pukis kfc. its like properly made pukis and not the street seller made ones. the chocolate one was good since the toppings generous. felt a bit feverish? like my body felt warm. fell asleep and then suddenly its 6 am in the morning. 

22 - Prof still did not came. had amart’s ayam penyet jamur for lunch. turns out juan bought ayam geprek gendut for dinner. night time is diarrhea time lmaooooo. did not feel sleepy at AR but i skipped shower again lmao,,,,,,,, and then suddenly its morning again

23 - jajan from sisterfield today. tried their carrot cake and kopi susu gula aren. the carrot cake has that carrot texture. its different. the icing was fresh cream cheese that made the cake taste good. the coffee made my stomach ache a bit. it has that subtle chocolatey taste. fell asleep again. third time’s the charm (of 1x/day face wash). woke up at 3 am planning to sleep but i ended up washing my face. turns out atikah was still awake due to AZ fever.

24 - this is the bestest sleep i had in this week (?) had a dream about going to bandung and the car falling to water. forgot my headset today. can finally meet prof Mur. talked abt inaco stuff w agassi. reread komugi meruem lmaoo. felll asleep. somehow had the misfortune of hearing dad’s hurtful words to mom. i want to fall asleep again but its difficuly. i went through stages of pent up anger, some sort of selfishness (i will go out from jakarta for internship), amazement to mom, and... (continue 2moro)

25 - lunch was dori rice from kanprim thanks to rasyid’s jastip. watched bts’ butter norebang lolll :(((. arrived at AR the fastest ive been. mom came to me right before maghrib and  summed some stuff dad said yesterday. she handled it in a trivial way. like she was unaffected. and that somehow helped me too. stuck around in the dining room for a while after maghrib. talked about internship w mom. i left some chance for dad to yap yap abt whatever related to internship (thankfully songs were full volume through my wireless headset) while im inhaling through my matcha latte. i wont write what he said bcs its lowkey super embarrassing. thank the gods for wireless speakers. 

26 - did not do anything productive today. Had arirang salted egg for bfast (wont repurchase). Had the meat cubes i bought online and its rly good. Ran with racil at citra 6. The tendon in my left feet hurt lol. Gmeet with ara et al to discuss internship review

27 - lazed. Wanted to start my day early but couldnt bring myself to. Binge watched twoset videos. Did clires stuff. 1 more RM to wait from IRMIK. No gastro intern work this weekend aaaa im starting to panic.

28 - juan came along otw to rscm. Talked about iship otw. brought tons of stuff to eat, including matcha latte, but i was unable to finish it lol. Discussed research budgeting w Prof. Didnt do anything in home. Starting to panic with my ppt progress.

29 - discussed budgeting revision. Prof thought abt little details i didnt even consider. Didnt do anything while at ar anjengggg

30 - prof did not come to dept today. Listemed to agassi rambling abt intern stuff. Immediately opened my laptop in ar. Watched two set. Played marapets lmaooo i finally managed to gather 3 au for shop pricer. But still didnot wash my face 👁️👄🤦‍♀️ maybe bcs i hate doing what people tells me to do (re: shower due to covid scare). Had a nightmare abt being in a car ride alone w dad and it was rly rly awkward

[drunkenough2write]

Sober at 8:58 am

Ive started to numb everything out, push everyone else thats left away. I havent talked to Kaylee in about two months, or the guys in a few days, ive been avoiding anish and Molly and you and i obviously havent talk in a while. I had a moment yesterday i was doing ...something... and i started thinking about you, i let that numb thing go for a minute and i just kept saying “i love you Michael” over and over and i dont know what im doing. i dont know if i want you because im bored with him or because youre the one im supposed to spend the rest of my life with. i dont know if you and i are good for eachother or if we just romanicize the fuck out of eachother to the point weve tricked our minds into believing that we belong together, i dont know if those late nights spent in your arms, or those car rides with our fingers intertwined and the windows down meant nothing or meant everything. ive spent endless hours closing my eyes just so that i can picture your face, i have a hundred pictures of you i cant convince myself to delete. Everything makes me think of you, music and movies and people on social media, i think about what youd do when im scream singing in my car, windows down and crazy hair and music i havent listened too since middleschool, i think about you standing behind me in the shower and laying next to me in bed, i think about you shooting me looks across the isles of grocery stores and gas stations, i think about you picking at your nails and the warts on your fingers while i drive and roll my eyes at you, i think about you when i get high, how you get so paranoid, how you get a look in your eye like youre all alone and the worlds a stimulation trying to break you down and invade your inner thoughts and you look at me and i wonder if you trust me and i just want to wrap you in my arms and kiss your face and let you know that i got you no matter what. I dream about you, your long hair and jaw line, lanky body and strong arms, i dream about you walking in and the rest of the world falling away, you being all that i see and all that i know and nothing else in the world mattering even the smallest bit. Im scared Bugs, im scared of losing you, im scared of losing me, im scared that he will come back and i will pick him and one day ill wake up from yet another Michael dream and think “what the fuck am i doing?” but be so deep into it that theres nothing i can do, and im scared ill pick him and one day he will stop picking me and im scared that i cant love anyone. I spent years being the girl a guy could love, i perfected it, manipulated every boy i met into becoming obsessed with me, tricking their minds to the point i was all they thought about and i never got caught, i played boy after boy perfecting my actions and it worked. Ramon was so invested i didnt even notice, all his friends knew about me, he told them he was falling in love with me and all i thought about at the time was how he had a weird sex face and it didnt feel serious, then there was London, the boy who flirted with me in highschool and told me i was going to marry him and then years later told me i was ugly in highschool, so i convinced him nobody could understand him like i did, i let him be a douche bag, and make every possible stupid mistake he could and told him that he was amazing regardless, i supported all of  his dreams even though i thought they were dumb and far far out of reach all while entertaining others. At the same time i was sleeping with two frat guys in different frats that hated eachother and i made them both believe they were the hottest guys id ever seen and the best lays any girl could have all the while one looked like hed never stepped outside and was not packin and the other had a nice body but a jew nose and lasted like 4 minutes everytime, and they both faded out eventually. Then i reconnected with Reese and unfortunately he had been in the game longer and saw past the face i put on, he reached into my heart and plucked at the parts he knew would give him a safe place and i fell for it. i became his escape from home and work, he would come over at 3 am after work and slip into my bed and play his music and we’d fall asleep and id wake in the morning and leave for class and come back to him leaving, There was one night i was convinced he had real feelings for me. he was hanging with preston and their friend ethan who had moved out of state and came to visit, Preston went to ASU and lived in dorms near mine. They went to a strip club and then got super drunk and went back to prestons room, Reese called me and let me know he was still coming over at about midnight and Preston stole his phone saying he wouldnt make it and i just laughed at them and said id be up for a while if he changed his mind, even though i was so tired i couldve slept for an unholy amount of hours. i got a few snapchats from his snap that preston took of reese’s head in the toilet and figured he wouldnt be coming over, but i stayed up for a little while and then i got a call at 5 am he slurred his words trying to tell me he was coming and that he was lost but escaped Prestons room, Preston and ethan eventually found him and got on the phone trying to figure out where i lived, i told them and came out to meet them, Sophmore year of highschool i had a class with both Reese and Preston but i dont think either of them knew i had existed at the time. when i walked out they all looked at me and Reese looked so sad, red eyes and tears on his cheeks, he almost tripped over his own feet into my arms, i hugged him and looked back at his friends, they told me to take care of him, i smiled and took him back to my room. i put his stuff in the closet and helped him change and he followed me into bed, his arms around me (something he never did) and he cried, told me i was all he cared about, said all these things and passed out and for the first time since meeting him i felt like he wanted me for me, but i was wrong, i was a safe spot, a hidden island where he could get away from the rest of the world and eventually he met someone else. then on new years i got a snapchat from kaylees younger sister asking if it would be okay if she gave my snap to her cousin ransom whom i had only met a few times, i said sure and his first snap said he was gonna make me his. i laughed, i liked when guys were forward, unfortunately that was one of the only things i liked about him, over the next month i played with him, careful not to break him entirely, he tried to get me to take his virginity and him being the mormon cousin to my childhood mormon best friend i knew i couldnt and then one day i got a snap from some guy i met on tinder, his name was Alex Decker, he hyped me up on snap all the time and i was on shrooms so i responded, asked why he was always nice to me he said “why not?” we talked a little and eventually i invited him over we hung with my friends, i got free tickets to a suns game and we all went and we took our first selfie and i didnt pull my tricks, because he wasnt like every other guy that walked my way and stuck their tongue down my throat after talking to me for 15 minutes we hung out probably 7 times before he kissed me, i had convinced myself he was gay or just not interested and let down my gaurd, we were watching Game of Thrones, the Episode where you learn about Horridor and the reason behind his name, and i started crying and he made a joke and i punched his arm out of sadness and he kissed me, it moved pretty fast after that, he asked me to be his girlfriend on Valentines day, 12:04 am - we decided to say it was the 13th instead, didnt want to be cheesy, he brought me roses the next day and we dated for a while, i pushed and pulled every day, pushed him away only to ask him to come back hours later, i was a bad girlfriend, a bad friend, and when i ended things i was more scared of losing his family then him. I went to California for spring break and he spent the night before i left and he found my stash on notebooks and read everything, went through my poetry books and found which ones i dedicated to other boys and other loves and he went crazy, he read every secret and every lie and he told me living in my head was the worst place to live and he sent me pictures of everything that made him mad and he spent 9 hours in my room going through everything and i was so angry i redownloaded tinder, figuring id end things when i got home and then came Remmington. When i got back to Arizona we threw a party at my house and a bunch of people came over, he had written me a letter and got so drunk he let Colden read it to the room, it was horrible, i got obnoxiously drunk and ended up blacking out and then passing out on the bathroom floor and Alex took care of me all night. i was going to therapy at the time and one day on the day before my therapy day i had a huge art project due and had to pull an all nighter after pulling one the night before and he told me he would stay over and help me and we would take shifts and he’d shade stuff while i slept and id do whatever else i needed to do and i said that that was fine, when it was my turn to sleep i fell fast asleep and woke up to him sitting next to me on the bed crying, confused i got up and hugged him and he started rambling about how he couldnt do it and just losing his shit, he wasnt making any sense so i got him water and made him lay down and once he fell asleep i got up and did the rest of my project until 10 am the next day i went to class and then alex gave me a ride to therapy and picked me up after, he took me to my favorite restaurant in arizona and then we went to the batting cages and a few days later i ended things and he still stuck around for a while, even while i was talking to remmington, then i found out about the STD stuff and remington made me feel like trash and got a bunch of his friends to bag on me too. after that i dropped everyone, i didnt care, i took londons virginity and i didnt care about anything else and Molly and i started hanging out more and more and then one day i drove past the gilbert temple and parked in front of a house across the street from the mormon church and a lanky boy in a white sweatshirt and a dad hat hopped in the car with molly and i and i was a total bitch to him until we stopped to eat and he said his dad worked on heavy equipment and molly got distracted and i thought this boy was 20 and he was 17 and my heart swooned. that was the day i met you. You surprised the hell out of me. everytime i talked to you all the games and tricks and all the bullshit id been using stopped existing and i had butterflies and lost words and a smile i couldnt get rid of. and boy was it a whirlwind. and the world started and ended and spiraled and now we are here. wheres here? i have no fucking idea. all i know is that i want someone to see me, see my crazy and my annoying and my insecurities and see everything good and bad and love me, and for the past year ive met 3 boys that do and in my luck ive found so much heartache and so much dissapointment. because M i dont deserve any of you and if i could cut myself in half and give all my love to each of you i would, but i cant. and what do i do when you wake up and realize i was only worth the chase? what happens when its finally us and im not everything you figured i would be? and life isnt everything you thought it would be with me? what then?

[jess-oh]

Reflection

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjrxJqnRxp0

I just spontaneously chose to watch this video called, “Noose.” At first, I was skeptical since the animation skills aren’t too great but the story... the story really hit me. It was about a boy who was planning on hanging himself but chose to save a dog instead, and once he did, he was on the verge of death but decided to use the rope that he was once going to use to take away his own life for the chance to live. And...that’s amazing. I’m just listening to the ending song on loop now. But I was thinking y’know, what if I found out that I have cancer? I don’t think I would be sad. I mean, there would be a part of me that is sad to leave so soon but I would be okay with it. Because it’s the truth that I’m living. And I have to accept that. And I would do everything I’ve ever wanted to do and die at peace. Because I know who God is in my life. I would keep going to class and pretend nothing is wrong. I would pretend that my hood was up because my hair was greasy. I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. In fact, I would hide it to keep people from feeling sorry for me and just continue life as usual. But secretly be completing my bucket list on the side. And it’s weird that I’m so at peace with death now because just a little bit earlier, I was thinking about being on the verge of suicide and in tears and Andrew calling me and I just say, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. But I can’t. I can’t do this anymore. It’s just too much. I am in so much pain and I just can’t do it anymore.” And I would go to the top floor and jump off. And I would fall down and plummet to my death until there’s nothing. But now I have a totally different mindset about death which is kind of amazing.

But onto today. I woke up in a pool of blood because I started my period this morning and honestly, it was pretty gross. Thank goodness Ashley let me into the restroom to stick a tampon I so desperately needed, into my body. And then I rushed out of my dorm bc it was already almost 8am and I had work at 8:15am. But I got to work on time and wrote in my timesheet. I got to hangout with Scott and Kimiko, finished filing and organizing the rest of the authorizations, and overall had a good shift. And I was kept busy so time just flew right by. I was pretty hungry though but it was okay. I got to print and went to class in a timely manner. Actually, sidenote, I had the chance to use Sharlene’s printer upstairs but I didn’t. I totally couldve but I didn’t. They were having a onesie party without me a I did feel a little left out but I also didn’t want to ruin their fun. And I was afraid of being awkward and feeling like an outcast. I thought it’d just be better for everyone if I didn’t go. But anyway, I printed and it was fine. Then, I spent the majority of class just talking to new classmates and fooling around while I waited for my critique. We ended up combining the last two groups together to save time. And I don’t know why it was so hard for me to stand up in front of my teacher and defend my research and design choices. I was so intimidated by her and I don’t want to be. It’s probably because I know that I have to please her in order to get a good grade but still. I was pretty disappointed in myself. But it was fine. Overall, she liked my design and research. I just have to tweak a few things. Then, I waited after class for Sara and we vented a bit about the teacher together before parting ways. I do want to keep being friends with her in the future but we do live pretty different lives. Oh, also, whilst fooling around, Andrew S. joined into the conversation when I was advertising my LinkedIn and asked about how I thought we may not be friends anymore in ten years. And I was a bit flustered but tried to explain myself in a joking manner. I am really glad to be friends with him. He’s so weird and talented and I know he’s going to accomplish some really amazing things one day. And I’m so excited to see it. Then I went home, ate a little too much pork belly and rice, watched a few episodes of “Friends,” transferred my notes into my notebook, and now I’m here. 

I can’t believe I actually remembered this all day but last night, I had a weird dream. I was going to tell Scott about it earlier but then we got busy. But in my dream, Andrew N. asked me if I ever thought about us dating and I was so happy that he was the first to brought it up and it wasn’t awkward at all. In fact, I was really happy to be having that conversation. And so I mentioned how I did think about it before but didn’t think it would ultimately work out. And how I’ve actually thought about it twice. Once at the beginning of the year and again during winter break when we started showing up to a bunch of events together.

It makes me kind of sad how much has changed in such a short span of time. I was still good friends with Marlena at the beginning of this year but now we rarely ever talk. I didn’t even know she still went to Columbia. 

I just imagined a scenario where I show up her door in need of a friend because I am in tears and in just so much pain. But I can’t imagine a scene as of right now where she is so willing to comfort me. It’s either she’s not home or just awkwardly looks at me because it’s been so long.

But I also imagined myself just bawling on the floor in my room because I finally broke and I can’t handle all of that overwhelming pain. And David calls me and I breathe heavily in and out in order to compose myself and answer the phone. And he needs help with his resume and asks if I’m okay bc I’m breathing so hard and I just say, “Oh. Yeah. Sorry, I was in the middle of crying when you called but it’s fine. What do you need?” And just immediately putting my own pain on the backburner. And I don’t know if that’s me willing to sacrifice my time for a friend or me just trying to avoid facing all those things again.

Nope! Nope nope nope nope nope nope! This music is making me sad instead of relaxed and I can feel myself getting depressed again so imma just stop this soundtrack now and move on! >:D I’m hoping to sleep early again today and get a full night’s rest before work tomorrow morning! And, I want to think of some more thumbnails and work on my research at work! :D