#which is a problem because my memory is really good and i remember things constantly

[bronze-main]

Vent under the cut and in the tags

Sometimes it feels like it's never gonna be ok. And I don't know what to do.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[ratgrinders]

HIII i’m also a rat grinders fan in the “not interested in pretending they aren’t fucked up” but rather “interested in Why they are so fucked up” way 💥💥💥 i have Thoughts on how the shatterstar ritual affected the rat grinders in different ways and i wanted to know if u had any similar thoughts :3 - @teenagerebellion

THIS IS SUCH A GOOD ASK thank you for sending it!!!!!!!!

Ok so I AM gonna be working off the assumption that a rage crystal functions less like "mind control" and more so amplifying existing feelings to murderous extremes. Think Adaine in the mall fight when she's asked to picture "what would the world look like if all Adaine thought about was rage" and we see a destroyed Sylvaire from Adaine's search for her mother. We know that Adaine would never do that, but we see the underlying motivation is the same.

Off the bat we know Kipperlilly's ritual is different from the others since she chose to do it "willingly" and wasn't forced to choose via death (it's described as having no scar, unlike the others, so she may have not even had to die at all). That doesn't mean though that she wasn't infected with a rage that caused her to do things she never would've done normally, as I don't think Freshman Year Kipperlilly, whose biggest grievances were "I think Aguefort likes them more", would jump to coldblooded murder. I think the fact that Kipperlilly chose the shatterstar affects her mindset pretty greatly going in to rest of the year, because there's no easy way to differentiate between what's "her" and what's the rage star. She probably is constantly thinking things like "This is all me. I am in control of my own faculties. There was no coercion involved I'm just naturally a villain", partially because she doesn't want to admit that she, a mastermind, let herself get controlled like that. Essentially, the ritual itself was so seamless and the descent so gradual, I don't think even Kipperlilly has a strong sense anymore of who she is without rage.

Ruben we know canonically has a bit of amnesia after being revived, not even seeming to remember the entire year he was shatterstarred. Ruben basically has the opposite problem from Kipperlilly, where his change in identity post-shatterstar is so drastic that his sense of self is almost completely eroded, because "how could I have been motivated to become someone like that?". Ruben's not a naturally angry person, but still though, that WAS Ruben, the rage star just tapping in to Ruben's underlying desperate need for approval, emotionality, etc. and bringing it to the forefront. The rage star imbued Ruben with such an intense pain and rage that he felt he could only express it through his music. Post finale revival I think was Ruben just being in shock at how much he's changed, but I think the memories will come back to him and he'll have to reconcile these two Vastly Different versions of himself.

Ivy I believe was still kind of a mean girl before the shatter star, the shatter star just made it more likely for her to say it to people's faces rather than behind their backs. Honestly, I'm imagining her maybe as a young Sandra Lynn before, in the sense of both having this constant bemusement. Beyond that, though, I think Ivy may have been the most likely to take the rage star willingly as opposed to being killed for it (I actually think most of the Rat Grinders still could've been persuaded to take it willingly, but that's a post for another time). Ivy seems to have a lot of pent up rage and disdain for the world around her, and the shatter star only amplified that.

Oisin got buff after getting shatterstarred, which is a really funny canonical fact to think about lmao, because I'm just imagining him doing a bunch of angry push-ups or something. Anyways Oisin before the ritual I'm honestly imagining him to be the type to hang out with guys like Skrank and Shellford, aka those kind of nerdy unpopular guys who nonetheless are still kind of egotistical and little dicks sometimes. (This is actually why I think they were the ones playing pong at the party with Oisin, because they were actually kind of friends before.) Just like Ivy, the rage crystal just gave Oisin more of an excuse to externalize his rage at the world, but I think the main thing it did was just give Oisin a little more self-confidence because now he has all this power backing him up.

Mary Ann was EXACTLY the same before and after the ritual, it was actually a little disconcerting to Jace and Porter and they didn't know what to make of it. The main thing for Mary Ann, I think, is that she really doesn't have much of an emotional stake in the rage ritual, or the beef with the bad kids, or anything like that. She's just Entirely Indifferent to whatever atrocities are being committed, which is just a different type of fucked up lol. Honestly, I think as a barbarian Mary Ann's a bit more used to controlling her rage which is why the rage crystal might've had less of an effect, Lydia Barkrock style.

Buddy's death was so sudden and traumatic, with such a short amount of time to get used to the implications before the finale, I think Buddy's mind is just in a tailspin post-ritual just trying to grab on to anything that makes sense lol. He knows worship and devotion, its been a crutch in his life for so long, and that's what he defaults to when he can no longer reach Helio. In fact it almost seems a bit like a coping mechanism, latching onto it so securely even in the face of all other logic.

[themetaphorgirl]

where I've been

hello friends! it's me!

I know my presence has been really hit or miss over the past year and change. if you want the short version, life has just been really tough, but I'm at the point where I really want to feel like life feels more normal again, which includes writing and posting and being more active.

if you'd like the deluxe edition of what's been going on, I do feel like I want to share what's been happening. it's been really rough and the next steps are only going to be more difficult, so knowing I have friends rooting for me will really help.

you don't have to read if you don't want to, it's kind of a bummer! the biggest takeaway is that I've been going through a garbage time but I want to start writing regularly again, so hopefully you'll see a lot more of me moving forward.

everything else below the cut!

tw: pregnancy, pregnancy loss

okay so. y'all know I got married in December 2022 (and we are still very happily married!!). we've known from the getgo that we want a family, but hadn't quite pulled the trigger.

well, there was another situation that happened that made me realize that I really wanted to start trying now, but it also unlocked a really deep trauma. when I was 23 I was in a really horrible relationship, and I got pregnant. and I ended up miscarrying pretty early on. and I got zero support. that's the short version.

I ended up, I guess for my own sanity, blocking it out. there's big gaps in my memory that just. don't exist. and for a long time I told myself it didn't happen. later, when I acknowledged that it did happen, I told myself that it was for the best, that I would have been a bad mother at that point in my life, that I would have had to maintain contact with my ex, that it just wasn't the right time and it was a good thing that I lost my baby.

the problem was I never grieved. I never healed. it was all just locked away and festering and killing me slowly.

so I ended up spending a good part of last year grieving and trying to deal with pain that I should have dealt with years ago. which...let me tell you, it's a rough process.

and at the same time, I realized that I wanted to start trying. my whole life I've wanted to be a mom. I've wanted five kids for as long as I can remember. Every time I pictured the future I pictured children. And I didn't want to wait anymore. which...is extra complicated to start that process when you're also in the midst of unpacking trauma.

and as you might have guessed...I'm not pregnant yet.

I'm very lucky that my work has a great medical program and they don't have waiting periods to see fertility specialists, so I started seeing doctors last April. And there's nothing wrong. I've done bloodwork, I've done ultrasounds, I've done so many tests, Shane has been tested. We've done three medicated cycles with trigger shots. They can't find anything wrong. They keep shrugging and saying that it's just the matter of the right time.

Unexplained infertility is a bitch.

It's so painful. It's so unfair. And because of my job I'm constantly doing orders for pregnancy announcements and gender reveals and baby's first Christmas. I cannot tell you how many times I've run to the bathroom to cry because I just can't handle being surrounded by reminders that I'm not anybody's mother yet.

I'm currently on cycle 17 of trying. which. that on its own hurts so much. s e v e n t e e n.

we have to hold off on starting the next steps because Shane lost his job (which is another absolutely insane stressor) but he's in a new job that he loves and pays better, and I'm getting a referral for a new clinic for a second opinion. but it looks like we're going to move forward with IVF.

I'm very very lucky that my work will pay for a significant amount towards IVF, but there's still payments we have to make, so we're working on getting our ducks in a row. and it's a terrifying prospect. medications and egg retrieval (my first surgery ever) and transfers. and the crippling fear that they won't get enough eggs or none of them will fertilize or the transfer won't be successful. it's eating me away. I've been feeling like such a shell of myself, every failed cycle feels like another piece of me has faded away.

right now I'm trying to focus on getting myself in as healthy as a place as possible, emotionally and physically, before we start procedures. am I still hoping that I'll get pregnant without IVF? oh, desperately. but at this point, nearly a year and a half into trying, this is probably going to be our best bet.

so moving forward, I'm hoping I can start doing things that make me happy again. I've spent most of the past year and a half being incredibly depressed and not really doing anything other than laying around in bed. I did discover Lockwood & Co thanks to Maeve, and that's helped so much because it gave me something new to think about and fixate on (and write for), but it's still been rough and sporadic. which, actually, is a good describer of how the past year has gone. I need to get back into living again.

in the meantime thank you for everybody who's checked in on me, especially QuiddoDitto. I haven't really had the energy to message back, but I've seen the comments and messages and it's meant so much to me while I slog through this.

hopefully things will get better soon! hopefully I start feeling like a person again! hopefully I'll be writing and posting regularly because I miss it!

and hopefully there'll be a baby in my arms soon.

[mikuni14]

I've already written about how last Twilight pissed me off, but there's something else that annoys me - it's the way Mhok feel expendable for Day and his family. You see, I remembered a certain video I've seen somewhere and scene from the series, after watching the last episode of Last Twilight.

In the first video, a guy says that women should fix their men, stick with them when they can't cope with their traumas, and generally that they should be their "therapists, coaches" and not leave men alone with their problems. Supposedly a "positive" video, right? And under his video there were a lot of women's comments who wrote that they did exactly that, that they "improved and fixed" the men who, when they decided that they were already "fixed", they broke up these women and started new relationships as the "new, improved men". There were a lot of these voices.

The second was a scene from some series (with my memory of a goldfish, I can't remember which one, maybe Elite?), where a poor boy gets involved in the bunch of rich people and someone warns him that nothing good will come of it, to not trust them, that the rich people will take advantage of him and they will throw him away when they no longer need him or get bored with him.

And I really thought about it immediately after watching the finale of the last episode of Last Twilight and the trailer of the next one. Because that's literally what happened: Mhok "fixed" rich boy Day and got fired. I still have an image of Mhok in my head, with a blindfold trying to understand Day. I remember Mhok taking care of Day, all his small but important gestures, when he protects him from bumping into things and tripping. Mhok fixed all of Day's broken relationships. ALL OF THEM. He has done so much for Day that I don't even know where to start, the whole series is about Mhok doing everything for Day. THE WHOLE SERIES IS ABOUT THIS. About slippers, running shoes, quitting smoking, trips, various activities, literally climbing mountains for him. And the series showed Day and his wealthy family literally getting rid of Mhok under a really stupid pretext, when Day is already set for the future, for success - thanks to him. Nobody says stop, wait a minute, it's too harsh, let's talk, let's give Mhok a chance to explain himself (and Mhok WANTS to explain himself). But when he tries to talk about HIMSELF for once, his problems and traumas, he is simply thrown out the door. Everything Mhok has done for Day, for this family, all his sacrifices are completely ignored and dismissed. He's not worthy of their time to expalin, to talk. Not worthy to give a fucking chance which he deserves simply for what he's done for them.

What further irritates me is that Mhok is constantly perceived by them as someone who is FOR DAY. Day's mother tests him, checks him, evaluates him only in terms of whether Mhok is taking care of Day properly. Day kicks Mhok out for what he considers to be the wrong kind of care Mhok provides for him. Mhok does not exist as Mhok. Mhok exists as Day's carer, boyfriend, and must live up to the high expectations of Day and his family, with no room for the slightest mistake. And being thrown out the door for not meeting this super high standard that he was not even aware of! And I can't help but feel that he is treated this way because he is not someone important, rich, who could be treated this way WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES.

Last Twilight showed that people warning other people about the "savior complex" and about being "dispensable" to the rich are true lol

No matter how I look at it, no matter how many times I think about it, I really don't want Mhok to go back to Day. Mhok deserves someone who will give him back exactly what he gives, an equal relationship, unconditional love and support, he deserves a relationship with an adult, with ability to regulate and handle their emotions (like Phojai). He deserves, above all, respect.

I know trailers can be misleading, but it bothers me how Day and his family are shown in bright colors, laughing, while Mhok is shown in subdued colors, without a smile. And the fact that Day goes down the escalator without a cane. Can he see??

[sandymybeloved]

okay, I don't know how much sense this is going to make but its been bugging me so bear with

you know how sometimes when people in a fandom go long enough without going back and rewatching/rereading/relistening to/rewhatever, that they end up with slightly warped ideas about the characters and story that are far more based on fanon than anything in the source material. I think the same thing happens with criticisms of shows, some mild critique people had at the time becomes so pervasive and considered so all consuming that it no longer gels with the source material

what got me thinking about this was reading the tags in the @adventure-showdown tournament. a not uncommon thing I read is saying they only remember a single great moment from an episode, but they remember the other story completely, so the other story must be magnitudes better. and when someone is implying that because they only remember the gallery scene from vincent and the doctor, the surrounding episode wasn't worthwhile or even any good, I can't help but think, when was the last time you watched it? was it in 2010 when it aired, if you don't remember anything other than the scene that is regularly shared, and you're criticising based on your lack of memory alone, that just doesn't end up gelling with the episode, its not really a fair criticism

more broadly, half the criticisms I see of Moffat who are almost nonsensical to me as someone who does rewatch. (I'm not going to go into the sexism stuff, my opinions on that are far too nuanced and complicated to make a good example)

one of the most common criticisms is that it made the doctor too important, which every time I see it I can't help but wonder if the person saying it even watched in the first place. Because the thing is this is an idea the moffat era actively engages in constantly, and its not a late development at all, and the conclusion it constatly comes too is that the doctor's ego is too big, he's not as important and powerful as he, or the companions, or the audience percieve him to be.

in eleven's second episode, his plan for the star whale is wrong, it's amy who concludes the star whale won't run away and wants to help. in the series 5 finale, eleven makes a big speech to all his enemies gathered above about how they're afraid of him, and it doesn't work, it is at best a minor delay in their plan, he still ends the episode trapped in the pandorica, AND it turns out the doctor was not the excistential threat they were trying to stop, its the TARDIS, they're only imprisoning him as they (wrongly) think he's the only one capable of flying her

in series 6, in a good man goes to war, after the doctor is done parading about the place, after he's done with his massive ego trip and thinking he's won the day, it turns out he hasn't, he got amy back, but not her baby, melody is gone, and any reuniting that happens later in the series has nothing to do with him in any meaningful sense. a good man goes to war is the doctor getting cocky and it ends badly for his friends

its only more explicit in the capaldi era whre 12 regularly pushes back against people considering him anything more than a guy pottering about the universe in a box helping where he can. yes he is made president of earth, but he doesn't want that, he doesn't want authority. In fact series 10 has several of his most meaningful loses, in extremis there's nothing he can do but get a message out, in oxygen he loses his sight to save bill, in the pyramid at the end of the world the world enters a state of dystopia because bill wants to save him, in the doctor falls he loses everything, including his life, only the audience knows any differently

'moffat made the doctor too important' is not a criticism that gels when you actually watch the show, because it is something his era grapples with, is the doctor powerful, is he important to the universe, and if he is, is it a problem and who for. but the criticism isn't completely unfounded, not liking the material fact that 12 got made president of earth is fine, but 5 years removed its a criticism thats warped and changed into something unrecognisable as a criticism of the show its from, when the show says at one point, not even as subtext, that 12 is just a guy travelling around in a blue box, dropping in and helping out where he can.

anyway, this is helpful to me in that i don't like assuming people are speaking in bad faith, sometimes people do just haven't rewatched recently

[boyakishantriage]

Humans *bickering bickering*

Alien: what's. Going. On??

Human: good question, if I had to guess. Something about fashion.

Alien: fashion?

Human1: no, I say pink and green...

Human: ... I mean, they're arguing with fancy names, colours, photos. I generally-

Alien: no. How. Why would you argue about clothing?

Humans: *freezes and starts shouting at alien*

Human: hey, what's so bad about... *Thinks* Arabic fabric?

Human4: OH DON'T GET ME STARTED-

Alien: how-

Human: generally speaking, skimming fashion blogs for key discourse points-

Alien: no. How. How do you keep doing that?

Human: do what?

Alien: Every situation, problem. You're always so-

Human: calm.

Alien: Yeah. And you know-

Human: exactly what to say?

Alien: and-

Human: it's frustrating that I somehow keep finishing sentences so simply and easily?

Alien: ... Yes.

Human: dunno, I just. Plan a lot, scaffold and have a finger in every industry. I don't bother with the changing styles, but there's always something that stays consistent in those spheres.

Alien: ... Like what?

Human: Engineering nerds, constantly arguing over hypothetical problems and best ways to fix em. Same with philosophy, IT, film and a lot of creative or functional fields. More qualitative industries it's comparisons, things and ways to make thing appear feel etc.

Alien but how do you-

Human: I don't. I just scribble notes with eight layers versus the standard 3-5 layered notes.

Alien: How do-

Human: good question. I don't remember, just. Planned until i hit a wall, then worked around it, under it and through it.

Alien: but how-

Human: I told you, we lost a lot of information. We've learnt and figured out a lot with what we have, but we've lost so much that it drives a lot of people insane.

Alien: ...

Human: but, we just. Move on, write down what we know so we don't lose more and just. Go with it I guess, but I'm special. One of a kind as far as anyone or I can tell, and yeah. I make mistakes, yeah I get scared and yeah. I'll probably get into shit for being what I am-

Alien: but that doesn't answer any of the questions.

Human: Well, I don't have an answer for you.

Alien: but. How. You're so ready and yet you don't-

Human: *shrugs* Again, we lost so much. People, memories, techniques, history. we don't now what we don't, but if we fixated on that we'd never get anywhere. Worry about something that's important but lost, or worry about something that's less important. But here *baps the alien's chest*

Alien: ... But-

Human: no more buts, think about it later. For now, you've got your job and I've got mine.

Alien: ...

I still don't understand this species, words I've frustrated by my predecessors, but. It's difficult. Humans are so diverse, complex and hard to really understand. But they are also so, simple. So, paradoxical in how two opposing nature's can work together as seperate and as one. And the human's theories, friends. Network. All of it, it just. Doesn't make sense, yet it works. And we have evidence it's not just about being a human, but not a mindset or something you learn. While I have not changed much from this, the questions this raises which nobody seems to be able to answer. From the invasion to today, the final report and attached files. Nothing makes sense.

Human: that's. Kind of the point.

Alien: ... Who is this?

Human: hacked your device, this is a program that creates a window for me to type into lol.

Alien: What. How-

Human: human nature is complicated, messy and is more a catch all term to describe a kind of mindset. Nobody actually knows how, when or what it is. But it's like hope.

Hope is a lie, we all know it, deep down. But it's about trying, to be better and try even when it's hopeless. Pointless even, it doesn't make sense because when we asked why should we,we just responded

Well, why not?

[loversj0y]

am i the only one who has a boiling hatred for fanon ghostbur?

Like--- I'm neutral about canon ghostbur.

But i really really hate how so many people went as far as saying that Ghostbur was all the good parts of Wilbur.

That is just so wrong---- ghostbur has the good memories, but not all the good parts. it just drives me nuts.

ghostbur wasn't good for c!tommy or anyone coping with wilbur's death

it wasn't his fault, but people need to stop depicting him as they do

ohohoho i specifically waited to get to this until i had my laptop because i love me some character analysis! so. lets talk ghostbur!

disclaimer: these are opinions, i didnt write the character, this is just how id analyze ghostbur and audience portrayal of him

so something i think people dont note about ghostbur a lot is the fact that he is not wilbur in a much more real sense than people realize. something that revivebur kind of touches on but people dont really note (in my opinion) is the way the memories and your actions during memories actually shape you as a person. ghostbur could never be all the good parts of wilbur because without the negative memories, he could never have knowledge of how he can be good in negative scenarios, like being good towards tommy in darker times. this is one of the biggest things that makes ghostbur not healthy for the characters around him, and why wilbur being revived is so important to wilbur's overall character arc

ghostbur is the image of wilbur if he never dealt with significant problems, never caused problems or engaged in them, because he only has good memories, he's never seen himself in a negative situation (think to how ghostbur reacts to philza telling him fundy wants to be "adopted" by someone else (i cant remember who at the moment))

when people tell him of his own negative consequences, he literally cannot react in a way of genuine remorse. he feels guilt because he learns that the living version of himself did those things, but he cant actually give any apology that would be beneficial to anyone involved. ghostbur cant apologize for something he cant remember doing because he doesn't know why he acted in those ways.

we can contrast this with when revivebur tries to later apologize (im thinking particularly to fundy) and how when fundy asks why he did those things, he tells him about how he wasn't well mentally. even though fundy doesn't accept the apology (in a very. drastic way), revivebur can actually acknowledge his own motivations, which allows him to actually have a chance as being forgiven.

ghostbur doesnt know any of those motivations, which is why his character is unhealthy. he is literally a ghost of the man he once was, so even though people want genuine answers, before knowing he was going to be revived, they had to realize that ghostbur is basically a punching bag for them to push their issues with c!wilbur onto because ghostbur cant actually respond in any meaningful way in terms of remorse and forgiveness.

also, as for the audience portrayal, i think people got very caught up on the "sweet ghost boy" image rather than what he actually is and how he actually affects the characters. he literally haunts them and reminds them of all the trauma c!wilbur gave them, while knowing that he can't actually answer for any of it because he doesn't remember hurting them

its a very famous philosophical argument (i believe by kant) about the concept of "if someone has no memory of committing a crime, can they actually serve time for it?" because if you have no memory of doing something, can you actually learn from and grow from your experiences?

because ghostbur cant. and thats what hurts the people around him so much. people like c!tommy and c!philza who geniunely care about c!wilbur and want him to be okay know that ghostbur is not that answer because he can't grow from memories he doesnt remember playing a part in, so it hurts to see someone you love be constantly stuck in place of never being able to grow and never being able to answer for all the things you want to ask.

ghostbur is so important to c!wilburs arc because he reminds people not to seek justice on those who can't answer for it. some people actually recognize this, some don't, and some just avoid him like a plague because it hurts.

[writerfae]

Hi!

So, I just now noticed that the link for The first regents of fae alignments was working, and I read what their each of their regalia can do, and I have a lot of thoughts!

(I apologize if I misspelled any names)

First:

Cathan's is a bow and arrow that never misses... do I remember correctly that you said Rook and his relationship was similar to Henry and Aiden? Because if so, then: OH MY GOD!

Even if I don't: someone give that thing to Aiden! Let him play with it!

Second:

I would like Brynn's dagger that never strikes down someone innocent, please! That one's my favorite, I think.

It also got me thinking about what regalia my ocs would want/have, and I think it's really interesting:

Starting with Endre:

While I don't think I would actually give him one since he's magic is already so powerful by itself I will say that Caitria's shield that can cast a protective barrier kinda does a similar thing to Endre's wings:

They say that even one triarhist can grow their wings to be so large that they can hide the whole country behind them.

A triarhist's first and most important job is to protect. Even beyond that, Endre is a very protective person. If someone he loves is having problems, he tries to step in to help.

Ákos:

Fionn's spear that always spends warmth and light.

While Ákos doesn't know how to use a spear that well, some of his fondest memories are when Bendegúz showed him how to use his spear. Not only that, but what he learned from Bendegúz came in very handy in the Black swamp.

The Black swamp is cold, wet, and endlessly dark. When Adél and Bendegúz found him and finally warmed him up, that was one of the best feelings in the world. A feeling that I'm sure he'd want to share with others, too. That's why i'd give him the spear.

Bendegúz:

Bendegúz is a fighter, yes, but despite the fact that he jokes about fighting people constantly, when it comes down to it he is one of the first people to take a situation seriously (even if he continues to joke around).

Also, to him, wielding a weapon isn't just about conquering an enemy. It can be fun and creative.

This is why I think he'd either have Rook's sword or Cathan's bow and arrow. I think he'd use them quite wisely and creatively

Adél:

For Adél I actually think what would be fun if she was actually in a position like Cryptan, someone who serves her king, maybe even as a guard (Bendegúz in this case, because I think it'd be fun switching up which one of them is royalty)

(Though she'd look magnificent with Rook's sword)

Bonus:

Someone give Odette the dagger for dramatic irony

Hi! I only fixed the link yesterday, actually! It took me forever to find that damn post. I don’t even know if it’s still correct, there might’ve been some changes, but I need to check that first…

You do remember correctly! Rook and Cathan were pretty close. They liked to go hunting together, the bow came in quite handy there.

The dagger is a good choice! Then again, all are. I’d rather go for the shield, personally.

It’s interesting to see what regalia your ocs would want! The only remaining question now is what they would get, since the regalia were a gift from the gods and therefore couldn’t be chosen! The first regents all got the regalia that fits best to them.

I think since Odette is more than willing to sacrifice innocent people, the dagger would refuse her. That mindset, however noble the intentions might be, is completely against the nature of the dagger. So I’m not sure if she’d get to keep it 🙈

[emophilzablr]

WILBUR SOOT CHART ANALYSIS.

— Most of my analysis focus more on the negative impacts simply for the fact that I am attempting to contextualize most of his actions we discuss, as we talk mostly about his love life and his lyrics, and well, the bad parts of him, since we are critical. Though I will talk about positive aspects at a lot of points. I chose to do from Sun to Mars as those are the most "important" aspects, I might do something on the more secondary placements another day. Enjoy! Send asks and curiouscats about it, if you have something to say.

Virgo sun, 2nd house.

Plus, Virgos look for something concrete, while the rest of him, we will get to it, is kind of fighting against it. Virgo is Wilbur’s essence, it's who he truly is, it's the most important aspect, so for him to heal this part, specially as his.

His Sun is in the second house which might cause most of his insecurities, Wilbur seeks security, he seeks to do exactly right, the moment he fails at relationships, at any goal, it's prone to destroying him. Every failure is hell.

Libra Moon, 3rd house.

Here we get to the hell in and out of it itself, so Libra moon by itself is not a problem, yet, in this house and in conjunction with Virgo, it really causes a reaction of emotions that is rather complicated. Because here it is, Virgo already needs to have strong connections, they can though live without them, Libra moon cannot, it's absolutely horrifying to not have, Libra needs desperately to have a partnership with someone, living without it can cause a deep, deep set, emptiness. Also, there's a trait shared by Virgo and Libra moon, their ability to find problems everywhere, specially in other people, which causes conflict, and after that, the feeling of losing this partnership because of this problem, once again, destroys him.

And now the 3rd house, where it all goes even more to shit, Virgos are rational, avoid emotions, so to balance that out, the moon should act as a facilitator to that, but well, as much as Libra moon is not bad at feelings, the 3rd house is. It's 8 or 80, emotions are either extremely rationalized and looked over, avoided, or it's in big bursts. AND AND AND, this we saw so CLEARLY in him, his opinions are always changing, and there's a tendency of him to change for people, change who he is. ALSO!!!!! This placement has something very important, they seek a change of scenery, they need to move constantly, start new things, because they will get anxious and restless with, well, settling with something and staying somewhere for a long time.

Plus, I don't even have to explain, this moon placement also really really is influenced by early childhood memories, so the struggles of his childhood are very, very influential in who he is.

Leo rising.

This one kinda makes me feel bad for him, so basically, Leo risings are painfully self aware and conscious of their appearance and how they're sounding, that remembering every person who ever rejected him fits this so perfectly. Now, put that together with Virgo, his insecurities are SO strong in his life, like he's so insecure it's SAD.

But most of who he is comes from it too, Leo risings are always popular, always take leading roles, always start shit, the band, the content creation, the writing of lore, as much as his insecurities come from here too, he's also always going to be popular, because it's part of his nature. He has a natural charm that is seen in Libra moon too.

Virgo mercury, 2nd/3rd house

It's a good placement to be honest, it does end up bringing insecurity too but, it just means he's intelligent, good communicator, curious, likes to go deep, to create, pay attention to details, though he really enjoys being known by his intelligence so any time he isn't, it definitely isn't his favorite thing.

Both 2nd and 3rd houses are great, big highlight on intelligence and big highlight on creativity, also big nerd, loves reading, researching, being connected and having interests. The 3rd house especially is crazy, he has so many interests, and he always goes deep in them.

This placement literally says, this man is autistic, or at least autistic coded.

Leo Venus, 1st house.

That's what you guys want isn't it you cunts, let's talk about love. Well, if you want to know the good, they're love bombers, extreme love bombers, they will court you, they enjoy the chase, they need you, they will die for you. Well, for a while at least. The expectations are always extremely high, so high it's almost impossible to reach them, and when you do, they have this urge to be the absolute focus of your life, they want to be seen as God by you basically, that's where most his relationships fail, he imagines this relationship, and then gets hurt by the fact that reality isn't exactly what he thought it would be.

Wilbur is insecure, by nature, by every placement, so well, as much as some people might think not, him having this placement means he is incredibly high maintenance in love, incredibly so. He needs to be reassured, he needs to hear, he needs declarations. I think that's what killed him with Amelia, he wasn't the light of her life, and she replaced him, quickly. That scarred every single relationship he had ever since, that Libra factor of avoidance comes back here, he might leave and be bored before the person even proves themselves, because the trauma of having everything he wanted in love proven to him not true really scarred him.

Shubble could be in the same situation, the conflict of getting that spotlight from her and from other people, the expectations he put. ALL HIS PLACEMENTS WERE CONSPIRING AGAINST THEM! Absolutely insane.

He will not only love bomb btw, he will leave everyone and everything behind for a relationship, he deposits not only his self worth, but his happiness and his livelihood for LOVE! Silly, but so me and so bpd…

Talking about BPD, it's in the first house, which means, deep love can turn into DEEP resentment when it ends. Also he needs so badly to be liked by others that as well can cause all these feelings, not liking him, or rejecting him, can be seen as a crime.

Mars in Leo, 1st house.

Again, he needs admiration, he needs the spotlight, not having it is awful, simply not his reality. This placement reinforces that he needs to mean something, to be something, to be something great, something big, and it makes his fear of not being even deeper, all of his placements seem to simply reinforce each other, to deepen his fears and insecurities.

— Ending notes: Wilbur is an intelligent person, with leadership skills and a very very strong urge to be loved, to be devoted, to shine, to be something big. His biggest fears are the lack of that, the feeling of mediocrity, boringness, and settlement. He's anxious and insecure, to a point that it ruins most of the good things in his life, a natural overachiever, who never seems to rest. Hopeless romantic, he needs love, and quick, and deep, and intense, but also is afraid of it simply not being that, because trying made him realize it rarely is. He's interesting, high maintenance and sometimes hard to deal with, but still, all his placements show loyalty, charm, kindness and power.

This power especially, he needs to be in control of himself, of others, of how he is perceived and he needs to control his appearance to others, he strives to be perfect, universally loved, but always, no matter how much of that he seems to have. It simply isn't enough.

[anonymous-dentist]

So, as far as I can tell, after today all of the lovely Tripoiers are doing a complete 180. Now that he might come back with his memory all banged up, they’ve decided they no longer want qRoier to get kidnapped anymore! Which is awesome! For them! But I’m just here like… imagine the angst :D!!

Like imagine what would happen if the Federation takes qRoier and not only fumbles his memories, but completely wipes them. All the way back to when he first arrived on the island. He would’ve never experienced the Abueloier incident, Bobby and Tilin’s deaths, the taco incident, the betrayals, all of the friendships he’s made and has lost (kidnapped or no longer logs on). All the pain he’s experienced gone in an instant

Those who watch carefully will know how deeply all of this constantly affects qRoier. So just think of the emotional whiplash when the members of the island, who would be panicked about qRoiers wellbeing after the kidnapping, are seeing him being returned by the Federation… Happy? Like truly genuinely happy. Happier than the French have ever seen him. Happier than the the Brazilians have ever seen him. Hell, even some of the original members of the island have to do a double take because they’ve never realized how much qRoier’s mental state has declined since day 1

And not only that but like!! Would they try to get his memories back? Would they willingly try to reawaken the grief and pain he experienced so he can “be himself” again? Or would they let him start fresh?

I love qRoier with all my heart which means he gets the angst hammer! >:D (I’m so sorry! For the dump! I just like the way you analyze characters! And would appreciate your thoughts!!)

Now see the kicker is that q!Roier is a very good actor. He more or less behaves the exact same way he did before he started experiencing the Horrors, he just has a bit of a harder time openly trusting people. The only person who knows how sad he actually is rn is q!Bad, and that’s only because Roier had to tell him for the survey. He doesn’t care if the Feds know he’s sad, he’d probably go with them willingly if they asked to meet him alone. He’d scream and protest and go kicking and screaming if they actually tried doing something to him, but also?

The Feds love him. They always have, and even the current Cucurucho seems to have a bit of a soft spot for him. Even the ‘gods’ (read: the admins) will call down lightning on him if he asks, and they’ll revive him in dungeons he’s doing solo. They’ve been reviving him since week one without fail. The Feds allowed his grandfather- an “outsider”- onto the island and let him stay and they saved his life when q!Cellbit killed him because Roier was sad. The only things they’ve ever refused him are a gun and the return of Bobby, but even with Bobby they let him and Jaiden have more time to say goodbye than every other parent got combined. They pay special attention to his happiness- remember when Cellbit’s task for the day for them was to find out why Roier was sad and what would make him happy again? The entire point of the Quest for Bobby was for Roier to see how many friends he has because the Feds know he’s lonely! They’re just really bad at being a support system because they don’t understand the emotions going on.

They like him to the point that he’s actually questioned multiple times if he’s actually part of the Federation, and other people have asked the same, which definitely won’t ever come up again.

This is all to say: I don’t think they’d wipe his memories because he isn’t actually being a problem. Quackity was a problem. He was making other people sad, so he had to he dealt with. Meanwhile Roier is alone in his sadness, which isn’t optimal, but I think that they quite literally like him and his family too much to fuck with him on that level. They’ll punish him eventually, but their attempts to cheer him up so far have actually had some results. He isn’t trying to kill anyone anymore, and he’s happy enough with his family with Vegetta and Foolish and Leo (all the Federation’s favorites) and then with Jaiden (Cucurucho’s favorite) and then with Cellbit and Richarlyson (we all know how much the Feds love their favorite employee.) He’s domesticated (outside of his new bombing obsession), and that’s probably good enough for the Federation.

After all, the saddest people are oftentimes the happiest.

[ordinaryschmuck]

Quick Thoughts on "Motendo/Lifedeath Part 1" from X-Men '97

This...is a weird one. Because instead of having two full-length episodes, or one episode with two different story lines co-existing with each other, X-Men '97 kind of just...stuck two episodes together and called it a day. Which is a shame because both of these would have been REALLY GOOD if they were left on their own, as the horrid pacing makes each story miss the mark, if just a little.

"Motendo" has what's honestly a great premise for a show like this. It honestly reminds me of Ducktales 2017, in a way, where it does more than reboot the original story, but brings back characters from different shows, comics, and even video games. With "Motendo" we have an episode that brings 90s X-Men fans back by having Jubilee and her boy toy Sunspot going through what I guess you could call an abridged version of X-Men Arcade. It's a cute reference that's gotta make the fans feel all the nostalgia, and the cool twist is that's the point the episode is making. The overall theme is that while nostalgia can make you feel good despite all the craziness in your life, you still need to remember to, well, live your life. It's all about going forward, not constantly moving backwards. Kind of ironic that we're getting this through a REVIVAL, but I still love that it's telling fans, new and old, the dangers of living the past. Makes it feel like it has more to do and say other than being that same old X-Men show you grew up with.

I'd definitely say "Motendo" is the one segment of this episode that's left somewhat better off with this little...mashing. I DO think we could have spent more time with Jubilee being taken in by the game and the nostalgic memories connected to them, all while Roberto acts as the angel on her shoulder, of course. Still, it gives off the message well and ends in a cute way. Can't really complain that much...What I can complain about is "Lifedeath Part 1."

Keep in mind, I do love ALL the bits that happen with Storm in this. She's trying so hard to process what happened to her and all the heartache she feels when things go wrong is empathetic. I feel bad for her during this one highly emotional scene, as I was as hopeful as her that things would turn out only to feel a weight on my heart when it all comes crashing down. The writers did a GREAT job on that. The problem lies on the piss poor pacing between Storm and Forge's relationship, with Forge having this out of nowhere confession that makes Storm's reaction feel hilarious instead of dramatic. It comes with the price of stitching what should have been a slow, easy episode together with one that gives you a sugar high with how fun it is. Everything goes by too quick to appreciate the dramatic moments, which should be OUTSTANDING but are just....good. They're good moments that don't have enough time to let you sit on them because the episode itself doesn't have enough time. At least it ends on a cliffhanger that makes me excited to see what happens next, so...There's that.

If you'd ask me, I'd say that "Motendo/Lifedeath Part 1" is probably the weakest episode so far. None of it's really bad. We still get some fun, cute, and heartbreaking moments that prove why this show is so strong. It's just the fact that they took two wildly different episodes, mashed them together, and called them ONE that causes the whole thing to feel imperfect. I liked it a lot, but we could have used more time.

[sagesilentfire]

I would love to hear your Seth headcanons

hell yeah

Canon:

ABSOLUTELY not a pro-Mewman-genocide guy, any rumors he is are invented by racist Mewmans who believe the monsters will do the same thing to Mewmans that Mewmans have been doing to monsters if monsters are given the slightest amount of political power.

Is for changing the status quo to give monsters political power. Comet was not; she believed that the queens just had to be nice to monsters. AKA "don't change the system, change the person in charge of the system" neoliberal bullshit.

Toffee is his adopted son, and if I was writing a fifth season/continuation, he would be out for revenge for what Star did to Toffee. We'd have a massive, character-developing realization that Star is really not a good person, and she realizes she murdered someone who had barely done anything wrong, and she would have to live with that. No bs "destroying the magic was the right idea and THAT'S the problem with melting Toffee, not the MELTING part." Because, as I'll talk about soon, the only thing the show expressly tells us re: how we should feel about Toffee is that he was right to destroy magic, but that he was weird and scary and a sociopath, so we shouldn't be mourning HIM and being rightfully skeeved out that Star approached (and is still approaching! she does not grow out of this!) her problems by burning them until they died. (Again, I have evidence that she does not grow out of it. I'll provide it soon.)

Toffee's mother was murdered by proto-Solarian warriors made by Mira, the queen behind the Great Monster Massacre. Seth doesn't know if he had another parent, or even the mother's name. All Seth knows is he fought off a warrior from a monster village, and when he was surveying the damage, he found a lot of dead, including a woman who had clearly died protecting a still-living toddler. No one stepped up to claim the child, so Seth took care of him.

Seth is older than the Mewman occupation. He was a kid when the Mewmans destroyed Septarsis, which kicked off the war. He was a young adult when the Mewmans committed the Great Monster Massacre, killing every monster in sight and locking the regenerating ones in heavily enchanted boxes and throwing them into the darkest depths of Butterfly Castle. He survived uncaptured by not regenerating his injuries, playing dead, and then sneaking off when the Mewmans weren't looking, and since Mewmans weren't sure which monsters could regenerate yet, they ignored him.

Septarsis, and "Mewni" in general, were really diverse places before the Mewmans arrived. Monsters can interbreed with each other, so there weren't rigid categories like "Slime" and "septarian" and so on yet. Those terms were invented by an Old Book queen who wanted to reduce the monsters' power by dividing them. Seth thinks that's bullshit, the only useful dividing line is who has what abilities, of which there are a plethora, not just regeneration. And all monster cultures had a mix of abilities, much like humans.

Toffee gets his smarts from Seth. They worked together on strategy since Toffee was a toddler. (Toffee originally was a kid, so his battle strategies consisted of grabbing the figures representing monster armies on the map and knocking over the Mewman figures while making explosion noises. Seth acted like those were brilliant strategies and he only had a few criticisms. (Star Butterfly never grew out of such strategies.))

Seth taught Toffee Septarian, which is still a closely guarded secret.

Seth wasn't a perfect parent, though. He was never in the same place for long and constantly busy, so Toffee spent a lot of time alone.

Septarsis was a city, where Butterfly Castle is now. It was relatively peaceful, and Seth has nothing but good memories of it, what little he can remember. It is not here now, but Seth wants to reshape Butterfly Castle in its image.

Seth will not compromise his goals, but he does try to be good, and do good things.

My Fanon AU where a lot of things are different (samatfoe):

Note that a lot of this will be either alluded to or stated outright in samatfoe s5, but I might as well tell you now!

Seth became the leader of the Beacon of Hope at fifty, which was impressively young. Sílthéy (their Glossaryck) thought he had promise, but wasn't the final arbitrator of that. No, the reason the Septarsis Council put him in charge of a Beacon (basically a town) was his unflinching devotion to peace and solving things without violence.

It was clear, three years later, with Septarsis becoming a smoking crater with only one survivor, that his devotion would be tested.

Seth did not join the fight. He lead his people through rebuilding and defense, but never actually picked up a weapon himself. He tried his best to negotiate with the Butterflys, but eventually let Toffee, who had been chosen as Sílthéy's sword and magic, have free reign of dealing with them. Not even Seth could undo what they had done to themselves.

Toffee, for their (nonbinary) part, learned from Seth the art of negotiating and solving things non-violently, if possible. They never claimed Seth (or anyone) as their parent, as their parents had died with Old Septarsis, but Seth did raise them, when he had the time. Now, the Butterflys rarely allowed Toffee to negotiate, instead leaping right to trying to kill them, but they did at least try every time.

Seth became the de-facto leader of Septarsis to Mewmans. As his notoriety among them rose, so did the attempts on his life. He continued showing up to negotiations for a while, but as the centuries wore on and he started getting older, Toffee took on more and more of his duties, sometimes pretending via illusions to be him.

Seth actually didn't mind Crescenta as a Mewman queen. Sure she was slippery, and underhanded, and a terrible person, but at least she tried to pretend to not solve everything with violence. He didn't like her, but at least she allowed him to negotiate. And then it was revealed that she'd secretly been casting a deadly magical plague on political opponents that had only avoided him because of diligent effort by Toffee, and he was less appreciative.

Toffee assassinated Crescenta via a version of her own plague spell, modified so that it wouldn't spread. Sadly, due to Glossaryck's Prophecy, they couldn't end the Mewman line right then, but at least Rhina the Riddled was much less prone to... experimentation.

Not long after this, Seth died, with many things unfinished. But he'd lived a long life, and became a ghost with the desire to end Mewni's colonization as his unfinished business.

Toffee still uses his likeness when appearing to things as themself would be too inconvenient. It's what Seth (and Seth's ghost) would've wanted.

[mad-voidling]

(Shoutout to @house-of-mirrors for inspiring the pic!! Go check out their work it’s great!)

Figure it was time to introduce my own silly little guy!! The picrew is slightly jank cause their design is only roughly humanoid lol, but I’m okay with it! I already have some more of its story planned out in my head besides the stuff I’m going to be putting below the cut, so feel free to ask about anything and/or send a calling card my way!! Their name is the same as my profile name

Info

(minor spoilers for Heart’s Desire)

- Agender and Aroace, not exactly out but it hasn’t had any trouble with people questioning them about it (We’re living underground with devils and people with tentacles for f___’s sake!!)

- Awoke in New Newgate knowing their name and nothing else about itself. When asked about this initially, they would seem to space out for a moment before jolting back to reality and seeming to not have heard the question at all. Thus, most don’t ask anymore

- It’s constantly wrapped up in layers of cloth and such, and no one’s seen what’s underneath it, not even Idris themselves. They’ve tried, but for unknown reasons, it’s physically incapable of removing any of it itself. When anyone else tries, they fly into an uncontrollable panic that they never seem to remember once they’ve calmed down

- Quite tall, but not freakishly so yet, probably around seven feet or so

- Has an almost instinctual loathing and mistrust of Mr. Stones, has complicated feelings on the Masters in general but will choose any of them over Stones

- Sometimes, if it focuses hard enough, it can see the night sky, full of brilliant and vibrant stars

- Has a tendency to hoard things that catch their eye, usually shiny stuff but really anything they find interesting. Their organization of their collection seems chaotic, but there’s a logic to it that only it knows

- Occasionally cloisters itself in its lab for extended periods when it gets really focused on some research

- Not a fan of alcoholic beverages, has mastered the art of subtly dumping drinks into nearby plants

- Has… Complex feelings about the other players of the Marvellous. Their relationships with the Bishop and Beechwood are the simplest because they don’t interact/talk much outside of the game. It’s somewhat concerned about both of them for different reasons, but isn’t about to barge into their lives or anything (Besides, what could they really do? Collecting candles isn’t a crime, and Beechwood is a bit beyond help at this point)

- Certainly not friends with Virginia, but they have a mutual respect for each other. They met even before Idris became a player of the Marvellous when they were both after the Correspondence Stones, which Idris won far and square. Their lives have overlapped several times since then, and they’ve learned to get along fairly well

- Not a big fan of the Manager, finds his whole hotel uncomfortable and doesn’t trust him in the slightest. That isn’t helped when it finds out about the whole Tristram thing, which it thinks is a bit too convenient for their liking based on what they know. Also sick of him making his personal issues the problem of literally everyone else (it’s not our fault you’re not over your divorce yet bro). When the Horrors:tm: get to be to much they’ll stay in the Mirror-Marches, thank you very much

- Speaking of Tristram, Idris has a big soft spot for him. It understands what it’s like not to know yourself, to brush your fingertips against memories but not be able to grab hold of them. As soon as it gets the chance it gets his mind back and returns to it to him with zero hesitation. Once everything is said and done I imagine that the two of them + Cora remain good friends

- Mr. Pages confuses Idris immensely. Though the Master doesn’t usually seek them out, when the two do interact, it acts overly familiar with them. Not to an uncomfortable degree, but it’s still strange, and when it breaks into their wine stores, it almost seems to want to tell them something, but never lets it slip. Hmm. They also both share an interest in books, so that and the Marvellous usually ends up being the focus of their conversations

- Loves their work as a Correspondent, despite the inherent danger that comes with working with the Correspondence. It feels comfortable to them, as if they’re coming home. The letters seem to flow out onto whatever it’s writing on, which has led to them getting lost in thought a few times and their clothes catching on fire

[scary-monsters]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by @crown-of-winterthorne, thank you friend!!! 🧡🧡🫶🏻

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 33 total! i've got 8 for jjba, 25 for haikyuu

2. What’s your total Ao3 word count? 473,497 🤯🤯🤯

3. What fandoms do you write for? currently only jjba, i don't anticipate anything else for a long time since my major interests tend to last for years

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos? unsurprisingly they're all ushiten 😭 i won't link them but: "i'm a house with no windows" (200k friends-to-lovers), "shuffle" (fake dating/only one bed tropes), "fascinating facts about geckos" (high school teachers au), "on display" (nsfw oneshot), and "morning routine" (my very first fic ever posted :')) aw)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? i try to!!!! sometimes i get really behind (like i am right now ugh) and that's either because i'm busy or i can't properly put my gratitude into words 😔 but i think i get to most of them eventually. i don't really reply to the ushiten ones anymore, but they still mean a lot to me.

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? i.. don't think i have any?? i love writing angst but i really cannot handle sad endings.. i'm a sappy little romance-obsessed fool, i fear i'm incapable of anything but sweet and fulfilling endings

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? i mean it's gotta be "i'm a house with no windows".... they literally grew up together and got married and then visited their hometown as middle-aged men.. i don't know if i can out-do that. but if we're talking jjba then probably my most recent diego fic, "ritz to the rubble"

8. Do you get hate on fics? i have before LMAO, nothing too horrible but honestly i just shrug it off. i like my writing and i know lots of other people do too so i can't be bothered

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? ummmmmm yes.. i write a lot of it HFDSKLHGKLS.. i won't detail that here bc this isn't a nsfw blog but my ao3 speaks for itself.

10. Do you write crossovers? nope! the idea hasn't ever even crossed my mind

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? i feel like.. i remember someone telling me that one of my ushiten fics was on wattpad at one point but i never saw it myself and that was years ago so ??? MAYBE?? i truly don't know

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? i couldn't find evidence of it but i remember someone requesting to translate a fic of mine to chinese?? and i had no problem with it but AGAIN LOL these things happened in like 2016 or 2017 so it's been a hot minute and my memory is garbage

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? not really, i attempted to collab with a couple friends in the past but it really didn't work out very well.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship? diego and me (im kidding. kind of.), i mean currently it's dinopants and dinoballs. i love diejoni as well but the other two reeeeaaally hit that sweet spot for me. i like ushiten in a way that's like... aww.. those were my boys and now they're grown up and moved out ?? they are cute but they aren't My Guys anymore

15. What’s a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will? UGH I HAD a dinopants university au that i started over a year ago but i ended up using one of the previously written scenes for my recent fic so i doubt i'd ever finish the original one. for the most part i finish what i start, though.

16. What are your writing strengths? DIALOGUE !!! at least to me, anyway. i think i'm really good at getting into a character's head and analyzing them and how they'd handle social situations, which is funny bc i have trash social skills. i fucking love character analysis in general

17. What are your writing weaknesses? i think i tend to overuse words sometimes... maybe lean too heavily into dialogue.. i'm always always always trying to get better, so in a way i think i look at everything as a weakness that i'm constantly working to improve

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? i've tossed in little fragments of Italian when i write gyro but other than that i don't think i'd personally do it.

19. First fandom you wrote for? realistically? naruto 💀 my original old-ass clunky desktop had several word docs of deidara fic, i'm like 99% sure. too bad limewire and heaps of viruses killed the damn thing

20. Favorite fic you’ve written? atm i think it's gotta be extra hot, well stirred, light foam :')) i was so iffy about it while writing but i think it's such a perfect balance of funny and sexy and i'm quite proud of it. it would make sense to say a fic from a while ago but i don't like my writing from back then.. i just think i've gotten so so so much better

IM TAGGINGGG @reclusiverisottonero @swallowed-teeth @hammerofspace @penny-lane-123 @phvntom-limbs but no pressure, lovingly patting y'all on the head regardless 🧡

[finite-breakpoints]

trembling (Angstpril 2024, #19)

Cyrus doesn't know how long he's been plugged in.

This isn't his data rig, or even like the ones the other processors use. Theirs are buffered, with transfer rates tightly controlled. Those neat little data jacks along the base of their necks and down their backs, implanted before their training, to be removed when they move on. Two input, sixteen pins each; single eight-pin output; eight-pin monitoring. It's less risky than letting the regulator circuits form on their own.

Someone's speaking -- to him? -- as the steady hum lowers, the onslaught of information -- no, malicious data, blatant lies -- lessening just slightly. They must be bringing him back up now. A voice he almost recognizes… but it's out of reach. Another cycle down, then. He's lost count.

This train of thought is as much a distraction as it is a reminder. Because he can feel himself slipping, under the weight of all of it.

All he has to do is ignore it. Let it all pass unacknowledged, unfiltered. And if not, then it must be challenged. Remember that every bit of it is false by design.

The ISOs were never the problem.

One program's perfection is another's prison.

There is nothing wrong with me -- with any of us.

He'd rezzed in with the regulator circuits, albeit with that slightly-idiosyncratic bandwidth characteristic of the Encom processors. So they'd given him one of those rigs, pulled from storage somewhere. Two input, one output, forty pins each; eight pin monitoring. Direct access, no external hardware to get in the way of the connection. Not the one he'd asked for. It's a fraction of what it could be. But it's safer that way, apparently.

Not like this, what they're doing to him now. Constantly just under his maximum capacity, something he'd never worked up to. Something Yori had said was too dangerous for him to try -- it was why she hadn't given him the data rig he'd asked for --

"Cyrus. Can you hear me?"

Yori…? No. That's not right.

She'd never do this to him.

Demeter.

"Are you back with us now, little script?" Still blurry, but yes, it's definitely her. A smile in her voice, but there's nothing kind in it. "Your throughput's been dropping. Maybe it's time for a break."

"My throughput's fine." Those bright lights sting as his vision returns. Eyes refocusing slower than they should. "Not my fault it's all garbage data."

"Is it?"

"Sure. Garbage data, propaganda… Same thing."

Her smile turns sharp for just a microcycle, before shifting back into her usual false cheerfulness. "You look exhausted. Poor thing. Let's get you something to drink, hm?"

The sudden voltage drop rips through him -- the sharp silver pain of yet another improper disconnection. He clamps down the scream in his throat as four hundred and eighty pins retract from his back, his whole body trembling.

He knows what to expect from here. The lukewarm energy held to his lips, which he now knows not to refuse. Her quiet, false sympathy as she loosens the restraints just enough that they don't hurt, and tells him that he's only making this harder for himself. That she doesn't want to hurt him -- that it would be completely painless, if he would stop fighting it. That it's his fault, really, that they've left him here alone for cycles at a time in this cold and windowless room beneath the Archives.

"You're just so stubborn," she says -- and this time, the pity in her voice is genuine. "You know who you remind me of, sometimes…"

"This will be good for you, I promise." The memory's dim -- somewhere far away, all the way across the Grid. Maybe he's only been there a few times. Can't remember -- but he should. A sense of safety, a soft voice he can only imagine raised in laughter. "Be careful out there -- and listen to Yori, alright? I'll miss you."

"Yeah. I get that a lot."

Does he? If his memories are starting to slip… it might be working. There's an empty space on the other side of the room, where there used to be a second unit. Sometimes he wonders whose it was. Feels like maybe he should know that.

"He was good at this. I think you could be, too… if you'd just apply yourself a little more."

"Can't spread your lies without an amplifier, can you? And you don't have many of us left, not now."

"You'll come around eventually." Demeter presses the restraints back into place, patting his hand. "But in the meantime… the only program you're hurting is yourself."

"I know." He takes a deep breath -- steeling himself against what he knows is coming. "That's the whole point."

"How much longer do you think you can keep this up?"

"Good question." He looks up at her, meeting her gaze with as sharp of a grin as he can manage. "Let's find out."

And then it takes him down, back into the waiting current of hate and baseless fear.

Cyrus reaches for the half-formed image in his mind, but it's a fuzzy one. A gentle smile with just a bit of mischief in it -- "See you soon, kiddo. Don't do anything I wouldn't do."

Something tells him that he isn't.

On the bright side… he's finally gotten the data rig he wanted.