#i just. like i wish i hadnt had to live in so much pain | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ppnuggie · 2 years

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Hello, I do hope you'll have a great day! I really like your writing style, it feels fresh and nice! Can I request a oneshot with G1 Astrotrain and his future s/o? S/o has been in love with him for a long time. Being higher and plumper than a usual human, they're afraid Astrotrain may not like them. S/o thinks so much on both why they should and shouldn't confess, that one day they just overwhelm and cry inside the bot. Sorry, I love some hurt/comfort! If that's too specific, you can change it!

　　　　　　ASTROTRAIN x gn human reader

　　　　『　astrotrain ,, gender neutral human reader 』

　　-> messy relationship stuffs w/ astrotrain

　　— fluff ,, sfw ,, comfort ,, angst

　　— i didnt make it to where they feel he wont like them for their body type ,, as i try to make my fics as inclusive as possible :D but to where they feel astrotrain wont like them for being human ,, bc he’s a decepticon and theyre more known and prune to hate humans ,, but tysm for requesting ! 🥹 need some astrotrain content in life 🤲 this is quite long so just a fyi !! <33

butterflies always fluttered in your stomach any time he spoke ,, voice unique and different from what you heard before. the mech before you had kept talking about something you werent all that sure ,, too mesmerized by his ruby optics to even think about what he was saying. it was definitely about humans ,, and nothing too good at that.

oh how your heart had wished for him ,, nights wasted pondering about what your relationship with him could look like. yet ,, your heart squeezed tightly every time he belittled your species ,, how he went into detail of how much he despised their existence. it hurt ,, knowing the one you desired so much would never accept you.

it almost brought you to tears ,, focus turning from those deceiving optics and towards his speech and words. he kept on talking about wishing megatron would hurry with destroying the human race. how they dont do anything and definitely dont deserve their lives nor their planet. it wasnt until skywarp had came up to him did he stop his painful speech. you didnt bother to pay attention to skywarp’s message ,, too caught up with trying to blink away tears.

“ really ? fine ,, (y/n) come with me .” the mech grumbled as he glared at skywarp’s form in the distance of the hallway. your head perked up at your name ,, jumping to your feet as you quickly followed astrotrain down the opposite sude of the hall. “ where are we going ,, astro ?” you asked using the nickname you gave him ,, curious to know about the sudden location change.

“ megatron wants me to collect something from the constructicons ,, nothing too special ,,” he huffed and crossed his arms. he muttered something under his breathe ,, catching the words ‘stupid’ and ‘useless’ and ‘megatron’ and ‘hate’ from his mumbled speech. you shrugged your shoulders and kept to yourself ,, thoughts retracing to what they were before.

there was a lot of complications. you loved astrotrain ,, so very much you did. yet ,, it wouldnt ever work out between you two. as much as you could fantasize and wish and pray and hope ,, nothing good would come from confessing. there was never a good time ,, the mech seemingly to always be in a horrible mood lately.

as astrotrain transformed you quickly made your way into his alt mode and buckled up ,, blocking out the noise from around you. it wasnt long till you got lost in your mind once again. pondering over the pros and cons and the fake scenarios of you confessing. so much could happen if you were to reveal your true feelings.

curse it all. it certainly wasnt fair. you always wished to be cybertronian ,, hoping that then you would be able to be with your loved one. but you couldnt ,, he wouldnt bare being with a human ,, let alone you. there was so much wrong ,, but as much as you searched for a good outcome you'd never get it. your little scenarios only ending with you dead or heartbroken. you hadnt noticed a tear slip by and roll down your cheek ,, planting itself on one of astrotrain's chairs.

" hey ,, did you spill something on me ?" the mech grumbled ,, already in a bad mood previously. your eyes widened as your hand smudged the tear drop away ,, quickly denying him. " no no ! i didnt !" you dried the wet spot in a rush to prove his accusation wrong. " then what was it that had touched me ?" he huffed ,, flying in a straight line through the clouds. he kept his focus on the direction he was going ,, not really bothering to pay attention inside him.

" nothing ,, it was nothing ,," you reassured ,, voice breaking just the slightest bit as you said that. curses ran through your mind ,, degrading yourself in your own thoughts. " hey ,, are you alright ?" the mech asked ,, suspicion obvious in his voice. " your voice sounded a little strange just now . you better not be sick !" he added on.

" no ! i'm not sick !" you waved your hands in the air ,, your voice caught in your throat as it cracked up a bit more then before. " i'm perfectly fine ,, i promise ." there was a few moments of silence before he huffed again. " i dont believe you ,, im pulling to the side right now and you better tell me whats wrong with you ."

and so he did. just as he had said ,, he changed course from flying in a straight line to readying himself to land. once he made contact with the ground the seatbelt around you unbuckled and the door opened. a sigh fell from your lips ,, complying with the stubborn decepticon and making your way out of his alt mode. he transformed ,, quickly grasping you in his hand gently and holding you up to his face plates.

" now ,, what's wrong ? youve been quite silent since when i first picked you up earlier ." he interrogated you ,, not giving you the moment to answer. " did something happen ? did someone say something ? tell me who it was and ill have a word with them ." he grumbled at the thought of someone even being the slightest bit of rude to you. sure ,, the decepticons werent fond of humans but most the cons enjoyed having you around.

" its nothing ,, i promise astrotrain ,, its not that important ." you kept avoiding his questions ,, not wanting to confess what you were actually thinking about. you were too worried that your scenarios would become reality. the mech pondered a bit ,, thinking over your words and reaction ,, before starting to piece together things.

“ was it ,,” he started out ,, optics looking away for a secokd before returning to your own eyes. “ was it something i did ?” astrotrain couldnt think of anything he might’ve done wrong to upset you. sure ,, he often complained about your species but he never meant any of it towards you. he couldnt bring himself to think badly of you.

the thought of even doing something to cause you emotional pain only bruised his spark. you’d been one of the few who actually saw him for more then another random decepticon ,, as more then a space shuttle or storage unit like the other decepticons had. you actually took the time to talk and listen ,, spend time with him. it felt nice ,, having someone wanting to take their own time and spend it with him.

your breathe hitched in your throat ,, tears brimming your eyes for the third time. “ no ,, it wasn’t anything you’ve done .” you casted your head downwards ,, avoiding his glance towards you. “ then what is it ?” his head tilted to the side in confusion.

“ please tell me ,,” he frowned ,, optics softening upon your form. “ i just want to know ,, (y/n) ,, please tell me whats wrong .” his speech became a bit slower ,, voice lowering as he tried to pry at your invasive thoughts. you ,, on the other hand ,, were sure he would reject you immediately the moment you did tell him. that he’d throw you and leave you here in the middle of nowhere. yet ,, with how soft his voice was ,, you felt you had a small chance. a tiny sliver of hope. that maybe ,, just maybe ,, he’d see you no different or bring you harm.

“ fine ! but ,, just promise me that you wont be upset ,,” your eyes stared into his optics ,, seeking trust and hope in them. he nodded ,, not speaking a word. “ okay ,, well ,,” you didnt know how to word it ,, casting your glance aside once more. “ i kind of like you ,, astrotrain ,, like a lot .” you bit your lip ,, waiting to see if he’d say or do anything ,, yet nothing happened.

“ and i can understand if you dont feel the same ,,” your tears were ready to burst by now ,, the agony awaiting you and your heart pounding heavily. it felt torturous ,, he didnt even say anything or react just yet ,, only urging you to continue. “ and i know that i may be human ,, that you dont like humans ,, but i want you to that i love you. i love you so very much ,, and it hurts to know that you wouldnt feel the same .” a few tears had already slipped down your cheeks ,, voice cracking as you continued.

“ so ,, you can do whatever you want . kill me or leave me out here or something ,, but id rather you know that i cherish you more than anything in this universe . i cherish and love you more than i love my own life . i love you astrotrain ,, i love you a lot .” you finished ,, tears streaming down your face as you refused to look at him. only imagining he’d be looking at you with disgust ,, trying to think of a way to rid of you the quickest.

instead a soft pat to your head was what you had received ,, and his voice speaking up. “ is that true ?” he asked ,, watching as you lifted your head. he could see the pain in your eyes ,, the sorrow they held. a small nod was all you gave him ,, not bothering to do anymore then just that. his mouth dropped just a bit ,, before turning into a soft smile.

“ dry your eyes ,, little one ,, i wont be harming you nor abandoning you here . you wont have to worry about that ,,” he brought you closer to his faceplate. he gave you a soft kiss ontop of your head ,, optics full and heavy with adoration. “ there is no need for all this . im happy to hear you feel the same as i do ,,” he gazed down at you.

you were left flabbergasted ,, the small sliver of hope had sought to be true. your hands smudged against your eyes ,, drying yourself as you returned the smile to the mech. “ you feel that same ?”

“ i have for a couple of your earth months . just because you happen to be human never changed my feelings for you ,,” he replied as he set you down on a platform. he quickly mass displaced himself and brought his arms around you ,, pulling you into a tight hug. “ i never would’ve thought id get to see the day where you’d be in my arms ,, and yet primus grants me such a gift .” he whispered ,, frame warm as you kept your arms tight around him.

the panic you felt earlier replaced itself with relief ,, happy to know that those scenarios never became reality. the mech pulled away for a moment ,, optics taking in your features before grasping ahold of your face with his servos. he gently brought the two of you together ,, planting a kiss upon your lips.

#transformers x reader #x reader #x gender neutral reader #🌄.g1 #g1 x reader #transformers generation one #transformers g1 #x gn reader #astrotrain x reader #transformers astrotrain #g1 astrotrain #🌄.astrotrain

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thenwethrowitonthefire · 1 month

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Hello, it's been a while. I hope you've had easy days. somewhere in between winter and spring I lost the threads of time but I did not forgot I had said I would tell you about angst in my pants, in fact I thought of it often. on what words are too much and what words to leave, in the end it turned into this scattered note from different days expecting it makes sense, only a little hopefully, as words always carry blank spaces with itself.

First have to admit my takes on songs is attached to the instant moments of what makes me to think of or feel rather than what may the true meaning be which ends up my understanding of songs be far away of what artist may want to say mostly. listening to angst in my pants had me thinking of mental condition of mine, now like you I am unfamiliar with English, for such long time only enjoyed the song away from the meaning till once i was sitting around untying tangled threads mode swings, burdened from this is how always was and will be, how it changed me into what no longer can be recognized excluded from mental disorder.

Still it been days where I wished it goes away, to not be present in every part of me, depressives days where I wished with help of this outfit or attitude and fighting spirit no one notice how bad it is and pitty me or react cause is a phase, it goes away. that how this mental disorder works. and there are times in day when there is no pressure of work or people, i think of I wish I could just stay home with someone nice. just nice cause I dont need they feel my pain, I hope for no one feel this pain or understand it, I cant understand it even I live with it, so nice would be fine. even I'm not sure how it would work out.

I hope it doesn't show It'll go away It's just a passin' phase It'll go away

But when you're all alone And nothing bites You'll wish you stayed at home With someone nice

You can't be that, you doing good, I'm sure it's just in your head! You cant have this, my brother has it! I know how it is. but you are smart, you cant be dealing with that? (I say no more)

You can be smart as hell Know how to add Know how to figure things

Answer so no one knows What you just said But when you're all alone You and your head

I thought I will get used to it, that I can learn it like a code know when this or that happens with this thing which button to push, as if there is a solid pattern which If I can learn, I could fix it. but it wasn't, mostly. after years of rounding in sad-happy loop still i forgot it never truly goes away. it is always there, alone or not, with massage on my devices or nice person on home is still there. in me, everywhere.

"It'll go away" Give it a hundred years It won't go away

I've got angst in my pants

was it so far away, wasnt it?

tell me of the song that recently got you if you like to. I hadnt much listened to music lately except some tracks of The Smiths (The boy with the throne in his side)

First of all: 💕 so much love to you, my friend.

The first time I read what you wrote it hit me so hard. I was only a few paragraphs in at that point and already deeply felt what you meant. By the time I finished reading I had to stare at a wall for half an hour. So I laid in bed and did just that. All of what you wrote about is definitely very much there in the song and it's such a valid interpretation. (Leave it to Ron to write songs that you can interpret both literally and on the surface level, and on a deeply emotional level.) I hope the song gives you strength and a bit of comfort whenever you hear it. I personally really like how the best songs have a power to make someone feel less alone.

It took me quite some time to reply because I wanted to make sure what I wrote was adequate and also it just took some time for me to process (but in a really good way). Thank you, truly, sharing all of this and enriching my view of the song. It's a relatable thing too to have to search for the words in how to express what something means to you and what words to add and what to leave out. Sometimes using less words and leaving gaps where things are implied says more than spelling it all out, but spelling it all out is impossible too. But you worded what you wanted to express really well :)

As to a song that recently got me, I was hit hard by Pulling Rabbits Out Of A Hat. You can love and appreciate a song for years but it can take the right situation for it to hit like a brick. It's a song in which someone is doing truly miraculous things, but all they get is "polite applause". "Entertaining, that's the word I get from you. Entertaining, and then you bid a fond adieu. Well, adieu." It's Sparks, so again many valid interpretations: you can take it as literal as being about a love interest who's mind you can't change, or more generally about how you just can't make people like you no matter how much you want it and how hard you work for it, or about the rawness of the feeling of not being properly seen, valued and appreciated. There is nothing worse than polite applause, there's nothing worse than receiving lukewarm. "Raise the Titanic and then - I see you turning away". What an utterly tragic song. I love it so much.

There's two different versions of this song that were released on albums, but I recently watched a live performance that especially hit me. I'll share it in a separate post because I tried to add it here and tumblr ate my post and deleted what I had written... Not risking that again. The point is, Russell delivers the lines with so much anger and spite. I love when he really leans into the emotion of a song, when it all becomes about hitting the right feeling. And the audience is fully in on it. It doesn't matter that the audience can't hit the notes, singing along as hard as they can when appropriate. There won't be ever a polite applause from Sparks fans.

I'll wrap this up in my next post, if tumblr agrees to upload it this time.

#thanks again for your ask and all that you've shared. truly.#I'm wishing you all the good things and I'm rooting for you and for an eventual someone nice at home.#angst in my pants #ask #anon #Sparks #Pulling Rabbits Out Of A Hat #it took me a long time to write all this and i want to thank you for your patience and for the time you took to write all you wrote <3

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woeistayler · 1 year

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loss

I lost my dog today. Or more so she lost me, like i am losing myself in this whiskey at the moment. It gives me shiver with how strong i poured it. Hulu plays in the background as i try to multitask and pull myself together somehow. I made the choice to put her down and i still wonder if it was the right decision... I used to be such a writer on my old account. I'm upset someone stole my name i used to go by- and then just let go of tumblr in general... I wish i hadnt. I wish i could revisit the old me. I had my dog for 14 years, but she had lived a long 16 years, which is a long time for a dog. But the house is so wuiet without her clicky clackies, and i find myself looking to let her out for a late night bathroom break. I zoned out so much today that by 4:30pm i realized the time and ran to work. I was 5 minutes late and my manager was forgiving- given the circumstances of how my day went. Piper went so easily, she fought the sedation but ultimately fell asleep in my arms. She was such a good girl, but recently got aggressive towards me. Pain, She was in pain. She didn't deserve that. She deserved peace and warmth and calmness. I'm tipsy. I dont want to go to bed just to share it with my kid and husband to be. I miss my highschool bedroom, where Piper always laid at my feet. She was such a fireball and i find myself questioning if this morning really happened. Did it? Is this the whiskey's fault. Is this my new safe haven to tell people how i actually feel? I'm not sure. Probably. I lost my dog today. She saw my Highschool graduation, college graduation, my first apartment, my second apartment, she was given a sister, saw both my babies born, and then we bought a house. I got engaged to a man that treats me how a man should. He held me today as i sobbed over you. The loss of a friend who has seen it all. or saw it all. Piper saw every single important moment in my life. Everyone swore she would live forever. But she was too weak, and angry from the pain. She didnt deserve any of it. I love you girl. My backbone, the one that saved me through my depression at 13. If you stayed this long then you deserve to know that my mother let me adopt piper the day after she learned that i was selfharming, They saw my arms at school when i had to turn in a form for softball practice. A physical form. What a mistake. Or was it, because i got piper. but i remember my mother yelling at me in the car when she picked me up. Telling me that she was mad at me when she was the issue in the first place. i told her i felt alone and that she worked too much... her idea to fix that was a dog. which is wrong. but im so grateful for her. for piper. I started going on walks. Got out of the house more. I laughed at her puppy antics and shared snacks with her through out the years. Seeing her struggling was the worse thing i have ever seen. I miss her. I regret not being there more for her over the last few years. my kids took alot of my time. I dont know. I dont know what i am saying. The whiskey makes my head spin. I just miss my baby.

#loss #dog loss #grief #new account

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scrapperjoe · 1 year

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Doesn't making keichos character disabled defeat the original purpose of him?

Yeah this ones a tricky one that's been on my mind. Huge spoilers for talks of abuse and ableism. Keep in mind this likely will not be the best written since its before work and stuff.

Yeah its no doubt that keichos introduction shows him to be verbally abusive towards okuyasu, and holding ableist beliefs at that, which is... Hm, not the best choice for making a disabled character, especially if you consider okuyasu autistic like i do. So why make him disabled?

The original theme of the au was to heal from trauma and abuse, a theme very much in my own life. Id also forgotten "wait cant josuke just heal him" before id put medical research into this so, yeah. Anyways... I thought, "hey, if he wasnt dead, him and okuyasu could willingly work on their relationship together!" Emphasis on willingly. Because keicho has minimal use of his legs and such, in the early days of his recovery he'd have to rely on okuyasu to help take care of him. (By the time keichos finally discharged okuyasus near graduation, don't worry.) The time apart with keicho in the hospital allowed them to rework their relationship in a less heated setting, and having to rely on okuyasu more, someone he once looked down upon, really shifted the dynamic and you can see things are working out more healthily between them while the both of them also seek counselling and had jotaro act as a middle man in the early days of the au. Even when okuyasu becomes a parent, keichos past abuse is NOT swept under the rug because okuyasu has several boundaries set in place such as keicho not being allowed to punish or yell at the kids no matter how fatherly he mat feel towards them. He is still just the uncle, and okuyasu doesn't want them to go through what he did.

And now for what this post is actually supposed to be about! As i mentioned, the aus core theme was different at the very beginning, but does try to tackle many complex themes because i can. And you guessed it, ableism is a hot topic! Ill admit it, i hadnt originally thought of it cause my autism brain thought, "wow, nijimura bros alive!" But as ive done research ive really been cracking down on how to handle this. Ive put in much medical research and what its like to live with what disabilities and conditions he has such as being an amputee, nerve connection issues, chronic pain (i actually live with chronic migraines myself), brain damage, organ transplants, etc...

Making keicho disabled and having josuke heal him was NOT to punish him for his abuse. Not in any way. If anything, it more so puts him in a state where he quite literally cannot run away from his issues and has to actually face them with CHOICE. The spwf faced the nijimuras with whether or not they wanted to stay together or split apart because of their complcated relationship, and they both chose to stay. Anyways... With keichos character who was depicted with low-key ableist veiws, hes undoubtedly going to deal with internalized ableism up the wazu. Im not going to go into way too much detail with that because if you're disabled you know what it's like. But there's a LOT of him trying to overcome it with the years. When they were finally home together for the first time in years keicho finally got to see okuyasus survivors guilt for himself and that was one big hurdle. Keichos self hatred at that time was adding to it and once he saw just how badly it was affecting okuyasu without realizing it, boy that had to freaking change. But every hurdle after that wasn't a hurdle, it was more like climbing steps of a stair.

As we all know, recovery is no straight line. A lot of times people will wish theyll be their former selves, but a lot of times that's an unreasonable desire. Keicho has a hard freaking time accepting that. He keeps pushing himself, wishing his recovery was faster, in turn actually pushing himself back. Over time keicho has to learn his limits which is a very bitter battle. You make advancements but then you go back a bit. With josuke and okuyasu doing so much for the family keicho often feels less than, and like he should be doing more. He pushes himself to do all the chores in the house even if it means puking from his migraines or wearing his stumps to the point the friction in his prosthetics start to bleed. Because we all know keichos as stubborn as a mule. The family is very adamant about getting him to rest, and i know i joke about them having to tape him down to the couch, but this feeling is a very real part of us who live with internalized ableism. Our society is so rooted in production and everything, that it can just be so hard to accept that our brains and bodies are simply incapable of doing certain things... What's more is that with keichos fluctuating condition its hard for him to keep a job. But even when he feels like crap, the family reassures him. Cause when your body won't let you do much more than bring up laundry without being in immense pain, or can hardly let you read for fun because of brain fog, it can be hard.

And because i worked it for josuke only to partially heal keicho because keicho told him specifically not to heal him, keicho obviously has disfiguring burn scars. And with his prosthetics and mobility aids, it goes without saying that he gets nasty looks and people staring at him. Those whispers around him when he goes into public. Those that lead him to often cover up even during summer time, that have the kids have to stand up for themselves and their own family at school because they get picked on because they have a VERY non traditional family. Those stares and comments can make him feel sub human, doctors constantly offering facial reconstruction surgery, and the way people can treat others is just... Appalling. Its taken keicho YEARS to feel comfortable in his own skin. From not getting that jarring feeling every time he looks in the mirror, not having to shower with a shirt on, not wanting to peel his skin off, etc... It was a bitter battle of self love. A bitter battle that sometimes he loses. But when that little hyakuko would play with his missing finger, boy did he feel less like a monster and more like the human that he is... Not to mention body positive josuke always being there to help him out. Since crazy diamond cant heal himself, josuke has lots of scars and stitches on his body from old stand battles and the sutch, and even if his scars arent disfiguring like keichos, they at least make him feel less alone, and okuyasu just being happy he's alive is always something that makes him feel better.

Overall, the au is centered around the theme of overcoming trauma and abuse much like my other works. In this case keicho is overcoming his old self and the abuse hed once done. And as time goes on, he does grow and evolve, becoming at least a somewhat better person and more understanding of others. Himself? Come on, its keicho. But no matter the hardships, when he sees how okuyasu has grown up and the happy family hes been able to have, and let alone keicho be part of it, its made all the hardships worth it. Disabled people are not a tragedy. Stop treating us like it.

#jjba #jojos bizarre adventure #diamond is unbreakable #jojo no kimyou na bouken #jojo part 4 #josuke higashitaka #jjbaau #nijimurarecovery!#keicho nijimura #okuyasu nijimura

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n0ct0urn1quet · 2 years

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unbelievably in love with my gf rn but i have decided NOT to ramble in the tags and am instead rambling in the post but only bc i have lots to say ant it literally would not fit in the tags . ANYWAYS KJDFKLJDFKLGH @vergildotcom

i just :] she is so prety,,,,so shaped,,,,,,unbelievably shaped (positive),,,,,,everything abt her physcially is just !!!!!! lovely!!!!!!!!!!!! she is so round and chubby and very much pillow shaped (which is epic bc honestly? the pillows i have rn are flat and i wake up with a sore neck every morning. however if i just use my gf as a pillow i wake up with NO sore neck and NO back pain or anything . literally she is a much more comfier pillow than my Two Actual Pillows DJKSJKG)..... shes so . bfhnjg :)

and she is just !!!!!!!!!11 so kind.......so sweet.............ealierer we were talking n i was all yearny n she was like "bro whats that" n im like "w,,,,,,whats what,,,," n shes like "whats that on ur face" n imall confused ?? so im like "idk bro,,,,,,,,,,,," n then shes like !!!!!!!!!!!! "*mwah*!!! its me!!!!!" n im like :O :O :O :O :O !!!!!!!! its u!!!!!!!!!!1 on my face giving me a kis!!!!!!!!! waow!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <:]

idk im just thinking so hard abt her rn she makes me . verey haby. n not to get kinda sentimental ig but i rly need to reliaze that. like. i dont Need to worry about a lot of things. i dont need to worry about taking a picture of myself n thinking that i look bad in the picture or i dont need to worry about how my brain works or anything like that bc. she'll lov me regardless. i could send a picture of myself who just woke up and i could have my hair be all crazy and wacky and all over the place and she would be like "u look prebby :)". i could have an Episode n get all anxious ovr something dumb n she would b there to help n even if there wasnt something she could rly Do to help she would at least . Be There. n thas all that matters to me

idk i just <:] i just lov her a lot yk,,,,,shes just. the nicest person iv ever met. im very very lucky to have met her and sometimes it baffles me that we met completely on Accident. i remember a while ago her n i talking n she told me she found my tumblr blog completely on accident bc she meant to click on someone elses blog but ended up clicking on mine n its just. it is baffling to think that if she hadnt accidentally clicked on my tumblr blog 4 years ago we might not have even. like. met each other at all.

thats another thing i think about! sometimes i think about. my Life. before i met her and before i rly joined tumblr. back when i was living with my dad n mom in a not very safe household. n sometimes i wish i could go back n prevent them from splitting up or think about how my dad couldve gotten better if he had just gotten therapy for his issues but. the thing is. if all of that happened and he did get help where would i be. i dont think i would have ever joined tumblr because my dad didnt rly want me on any social media at all so i dont think i would have even met maria. so sometimes in a weird twisted way im Glad all of that bad stuff happpened bc. if im being honest, if it never happened i wouldnt have moved in with my sister, she would have never shown me tumblr, i would have never made an account and i would have never met maria. n idk thats juts wacky to think about. yeah those events left me with severe trauma n a shit ton of other mental issues but it led me to the girl who kinda saved my life in a way so for that ig im just thankful that all of it happened. i mean yeah i got a fucked up brain now but heehee i have a gf and she makes me happy and i loveve her :]

and idk just !!!!!!!!!!! knowing that in a few years or less we could be moving in with each other,,,,,,,groughg it makes me happy. so happy. and its just so weird to think about bc we've been together for 4 years and in like the first year or two we were togteher we kinda didnt rly vc a whole lot n we couldnt rly video chat so all we rly had was jus talking thru tumblr/discord and we both desperately wanted to see each other but we jus. couldnt. n we wanted to try n raise like $300 or something to come see each other but its kinda funny bc like all we were worried about is seeing each other. we didnt think about like if i would stay with her in her house (she was living in a . very very very very small place at the time) or like if my mom would be coming with me or if the ppl she lived with even like Knew About Me so its kinda funny how we just wanted to meet in person without. actually thinking about it n planning it all out SKJDKJJKG but then we actually did kinda get somewhere this year where like. it was maybe most likely going to happen. i was gonna come visit her and my mom was gonna come n my gf n i were just gonna . visit for a few weeks. unfortuantely that didnt end up happening because someone moved in with us and now we're nearly broke and just straight up cannot afford it but. we're still working on it

but as i was saying its just wild how in the first year or two that wer were together we were so . desperate n upset that we couldnt see each other much. n it was definitely a lil bit rough. n we just kept saying that each day that passes means we're getting closer to seeing each other and like. here we are, 4 years later, with a very slim chance that it might still happen. i mean we still have the rest of july and like early august to plan something out. its a bit late and its very very expensive rn for me and my mom to travel but if we're lucky things might work out. my sister might move out within the nxet month or so, mom might get a raise, she might be able to afford to travel, stuff like that. its a small percentage but its not 0. and plus even if we dont visit we can still vc and video chat when we want to, and plus no matter what happens im STILL going to go live with her n im STILL for sure 100% going to meet her Eventually. lke its for sure gonna happen n its gonna b very epic :]

sorey this is. a lot !!!!!!1 sorey pepper if this is too long or anytihng ik ur used to reading just small gayposts but like i said earlier i am ni a very rambly mood n i want nothing mor than to just make u happy n put a lil smile on ur face befor u go to bed. u make me rly rly happy n ur just very very important to me. i love u so very much hunny,, seep well ,,,, i lob u :] :]

#my lobely beloby..... my scrimblo bimblo !!!!!! my grimbly snibly!!!!!!#luv u :]

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writingtomynanny · 1 year

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Good evening nanny, its been quite a while since i came here to speak to you last. Im usually sitting at your grave, i visit you quite often which you know. You already know all im about to say, but unfortunately beautiful, me and cody have broken up. Its not what i wanted at all, but you always told me to put my mental health first and i just had too. My heart is broken, still till this day and were in January now. My heart is broken. I know its for the best and i know i need too, im healing myself and im working on myself, but it just hurts nanny. I always wanted it to be us. But too be honest, us wasnt really us without you. You made up so much of our bond and helped us. Losing you we just lost ourselves also. But you know nanny, i never wish him any ill or pain. I wish him nothing but the best, the healing he needs and all the love in the world that he deserves. He will forever have the biggest space in my heart, but we just cant be together. I know you understand, i know you know its for the best regardless of the pain im feeling, cant speak for him. I miss the life we all had together, the good times. The bad times were bad, but the good times were so good. I miss you so much, i think of you every single day. I got in a really dark place for a while there nan, I was crying every night, i was taking a few too many valium, crying on the floor while begging for you to be here. I went to bed quite out of it a few times, the days were hard but the nights were even harder. I would cry for hours, one time i reached out and called a work friend and just cried to her. I was a few valium deep and also took an antihistamine, i wasnt myself. I havent been taking valium since, i felt like i couldnt have a night without them for a bit there. Ive been holding in my tears lately also. I broke down every night and now i hold off as much as i can, I balled reading the last few posts to you though. Something you also know, my nana died also. She lived a good life, i got to see her the day before she passed. she looked so peaceful. Im buying a new car this week nanny! I have worked hard the last 5 months and now im going to buy a 20k car outright with money left over. I am working so hard and working on myself, i wish i could show you and drive you around in it, but i know youre watching over me and cheering for me in the clouds. I should be studying right now but i cant focus, i just needed to talk to you. Ive had a few dreams about you, the other night i heard you screaming and i ran so fast to you, knowing you werent here anymore but i still ran to you, my heart hurt. I also had bad dreams about cody, it hurts my heart thinking about him moving on but i also know he deserves love. I hope with whatever hes doing, hes happy. i was messaging his old facebook at the start to feel like it was still normal and that we hadnt broken up. But then i just couldnt anymore. I have to catch myself thinking about him and stop. It doesnt work because hes on my mind 24/7 I have him blocked on eveything because i cant see him, or risk seeing his name anywhere. He unblocked me on facebook and tiktok, i dont know why as he never reached out but i had to make the decision to block him as i was obssessing over the idea of him reaching out and he never did. So i had too. I dont even know what i want, i just know for now and the forseeable future its just me. I aint entertaining anything, im just doing me and i dont want anything anyway. I am woman enough to know im too hurt, im not healed and i need to sort out my trauma/trauma bonding and bad coping mechanisms before even thinking about talking or entertaining anything. Im just not the same nanny, Its me time! Im going to wrap this up anyway beautiful. Sorry it was full of random shit about me and cody. Its good to come back too and see how i felt at one point in time though, Ill see you soon beautiful, you know i always pop down to your grave, sometimes multiple times a week./

I love you nanny, YNWA

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r0mantic-h0micide · 2 years

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i was writing more posts but they all were about my abuser and then i would start to dissociate and stare. then the thought of what i was saying would leave my brain and i couldnt finish what i was trying to say. so maybe its best that i just dont talk about it. theres no point in talking about it anyway, is there? i mean really, if you think about it, theres no point. whats done is done. nothing can change what happened to me. sometimes i wish it hadnt left me as broken as i am, but ive accepted things as they are for the most part.

sometimes i just wish people knew. i think it would make everything so much more clear. if people knew what happened between myself and my abuser, i think theyd understand more about me. but maybe its what happened between myself and zachariah that would help people understand better. my abuser was mostly physically abusive. for the most part, i suppose there isnt much to tell there.

but zachariah was different. it was deeper. he took my nothingness and turned it to pain and anger. he pulled me out of myself, all the way to the surface, just to suffocate me even more. and whats worse is that he had me begging for it. suddenly, one day, he turned the emptiness into burning rage and thats all i could feel for a long time. still, there are pieces of my memory that my brain has hidden away, but i remember the rage, even if its a vague and shadowy picture.

there arent enough words to even begin to explain how he made me feel. it was the high of my life. he made me feel special, like i was the only one he had ever cared about, even though i knew he wasnt capable of caring for anyone. even though i knew, if he wanted, i would be dead. but that was it, wasnt it? he chose not to. he chose to keep me around when he was so clear that when he was done with me, he would throw me away. to me, he was higher than god. an untouchable being that i was lucky to even be speaking to.

i never tell anyone anything about zachariah because then theyd know. theyd know that i am fucked up beyond repair. the things that he groomed me to find attractive are dangerous. i hate being looked at like im crazy. i didnt ask to be this way. i dont know anything different and i never had a chance to. sometimes, some of the things that i think to myself, make me sick to my stomach.

and its a burden that i bear alone because no one would understand and even if they did, its not like that would make it any better. i know its bad. i know my internal monologue is grotesque. im the one fighting it everyday. and sometimes i just wish that people knew that im trying so hard to change. and i wish they knew that i had to change. and i wish they knew why.

but every time i explain even just a little bit of how i felt about zachariah, how i still feel about zachariah, i have to see horror painted across that person's face. to me, its all ive known. to me, it was normal. there are still things that im learning arent normal that i thought were completely normal.

i wish things could have turned out differently. im pretty accepting of what has happened to me in my past. there isnt anything that i can do now. and honestly with the way i grew up, i didnt have much of a chance of turning out normal anyway. but i wish i could look at that little 11 year old girl and tell her that everything is okay and that she doesnt need to turn to strangers on the internet for validation. i wish i could tell her to do things differently.

its not something i spend my time beating myself up for. whats done is done. living life in regret isnt something i want for myself, its also just not who i am. but i'd like to think theres another world out there with another version of me where that little 11 year old was outside playing with friends instead of inside wishing she was dead because no one loved her. instead of turning to the internet for something that even resembled attention. and then she grew up with a normal high school experience and was nice and made friends. its comforting to think that, even if i have to go through all this pain, she doesn't.

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dog-teeth · 3 years

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Hiii please don't answer if this question is too much but I was wondering what your experience as a trans person existing is like? Rn I'm cis passing and low-key making me miserable but the anxiety of how I would b treated in the world is so so so scary so I guess is it hard? Are you treated any different? Especially the non-binary thing bc that's me too <3

haiii as always i write fucken essays so its below the cut lol

well first of all i can only speak to my own experience, which is obvs influenced by the other parts of my life like my location/class/race/sexuality/personality/etc, it difficult/impossible to distill what "being trans" is like without factoring in everything else.

but anyways, i'm extremely lucky to have had the security to come out and be open about my transness since i'm surrounded by really excellent people. when i came out i was 14 and didn't know any other trans people, and it sucked, but i feel like even in just the past 6ish years there's a LOT more visibility for trans people than there was back then, and obvs i was young and had a lot less personal autonomy at the time. but my friends were all really cool about it and my parents were chill as well, and i went to a good high school where my teachers were respectful (i got misgendered by other students but once they were aware of me being trans they usually stopped) so i honestly didn't face that much external difficulty because of my gender.

the period between coming out and medically transitioning was rough a lot of the time tho, just because of the frustration of trying to be seen a certain way and the world never seeing you that way, at times it felt futile to even try and for a long time i really wished i wasn't trans, because being trans had never brought me any joy, so i didn't have pride in it the way i could with my sexuality, as it had only ever caused me pain (whereas my queer sexuality had lead me to love, sex, community, etc). but those were internally-driven feelings, not anything specific in how i was treated except for generally living in a world that didn't see me as myself, but that's also true when ur not out. it took a lot of fighting to be seen, and learning how to make myself happy.

since coming out, though, its been really really amazing. meeting & connecting with other trans people, dating other trans people, helping other people figure out their gender identities by being myself around them, making art about being trans, etc, is very rewarding, and obvs u can do that without being "out" too.

emotionally its very fulfilling, like jesus christ medically transitioning once i was an adult was so fucking awesome. i hadnt realized how much not being visible as my gender to other people was holding me back and distressing me until it stopped. even though i had socially transitioned earlier and been respected by people around me, it wasnt until i went on hrt and had top surgery that i felt really really good about existing as a trans person, when i could exist at any time in any space in any clothes and be seen how i wanted to be seen, and felt like my body was as it should be.

i don't really get treated differently tbh, most people don't readily assume ppl are trans so upon meeting me people just think im a queer guy, and i only bring up being trans when i want to & feel ok doing so. being nonbinary some people are bad about using my pronouns but i honestly dont care much. every once in a while i have to explain gender stuff to people but again i dont mind. its def more annoying than if i was a binary trans person but meh.

there's some annoying/anxiety-inducing stuff like dealing with extended family, doctors appointments, legal documents, and situations where i feel like i have to try to be Stealth, but those are rare compared to my everyday life where i'm genuinely just vibing.

i completely respect trans people who don't want to be out for whatever reason, but personally i've found it to be very rewarding and i can only imagine how miserable i'd be if i couldn't be open about my gender.

tldr; it's hard while you're figuring yourself out, but if the people around you are generally good, it's extremely awesome to be able to be yourself and transition!

#i was jsut thinking the other day about how crazy it is that i was just like i want to be a boy . and then i did it #cant think too hard abt how it felt to be younger and just wishing i could be an androgynous cool boy but knowing i was stuck in my body #but now i Did That its crazy i never thought it would be possible #ez answers #gender stuff

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lunar-lair · 2 years

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Ooo I’m always a sucker for soul eater au’s, even if they aren’t that common. tell us more abt Ingo’s no good v bad day?

VERRRRY EVIL LAUGHTER OHOHO..YOU WISH TO HEAR OF IT?! then i will gladly inform you omg <3 glad youre enjoying this madness lmao (throws formal writing at the floor and it shatters. this ones go crazy go stupid super-specific stuff im going feral. also its 3 am and i do what i want)

technically its. ingos no good very bad day(s) bc it happens TWICE bc ingo is Silly and has Trauma from Bullies!!!!

tldr: elesa scrapes emmet against ingo The Wrong Way, ingo gets Fucked Up, he doesnt tell her, she does it AGAIN before he heals properly, emmet says FUCK this and tells her, she cries a lot abt it, ingo feels bad but is glad it wont be happening again, and then later on ingo n emmet teach elesa how to do it The Right Way

too long read it anyways: beneath this read more!! This Is Gonna Get Long (by the way, warning up ahead! ingos side literally gets Shredded so a minor gore warning? its described vaguely but theres some creepy skin stuff)

later ill be copy pasting a Written Out section from my doc that i couldnt do justice to again but for now ill pull from my brain instead

the beginning of all of this happens when the trio are surrounded by madmen that are too powerful for them to subdue. theyre out of options, and emmet and ingo start thinkin'

back when they lived in aniville (did i mention they still come from aniville? and still like trains? anyways ive mentioned it now), they were often accosted by bullies. they were twins who were Autistic, in a Tiny Town, and then inevitably, known to be weapons as well. this brought them a Lot of negative attention (a lot of which ingo tried to keep emmet safe from). when they were surrounded, theyd scrape a rock against the other (or emmet against a rock more like, in his case) and like. yknow OW thats an AWFUL fucking sound Goodbye

at the time, they thought it would be simple for elesa to figure out. that she could scrape the two of them together, and do it right, and not hurt them.

they were 14, and they forgot elesa didnt know emmets blade like it was her own, or ingos blade like it was her own.

(she didnt even have a blade.)

so they tell her about it, and tell her to scrape emmet against ingo.

but shes panicking, and the easiest way to scrape emmet against ingo is back to side.

emmets back is sharp.

the noise is very, very loud. loud enough for them to escape. louder than it should be, emmet thinks.

his back hurts.

when he tries to reach out to ingos soul, he gets nothing.

nothing but a hiss of pain.

oh.

when emmet transforms but simply asks for ingo, and emmet says ingos simply tired when elesa asks, she doesnt think much of it. (only 14, new to this, doesnt know that staying in weapon form takes more energy than getting out of it.)

when ingo doesnt show for a while, and emmet says ingos just tired, elesa tries not to think much of it.

emmet is seething.

on the way home, he told ingo to tell her.

he hadnt transformed back. emmet couldnt carry him otherwise.

ingo refused. refused despite the roughness of his blade, refused despite the chips taken out of his metal.

two days later, when ingo had finally woken up again, emmet pleaded with him, asked him why he didnt want to tell her.

because she might get rid of us, he said simply. and his voice was quiet, and it wasnt right. because it saved us. because it was necessary.

over and over. every excuse.

he didnt want to give her any reason to throw them away.

they were already twin weapons, already a bit too mad.

he had taken the brunt of all the bullying, over the years, for emmets sake, but it had taken its toll.

he believed in emmets worth, wholeheartedly. he believed they were strong together.

he thought, just a little, that he was the weak link.

months later, once ingo had almost healed, once elesa had forgotten about the moment entirely, they were sent with drayden as their leader along with some other teams their age to group-tackle a mission to subdue a good lot of madmen, as a learning experience.

they got separated from their group. elesa grew desperate.

she stood behind her cover, and straightened up, and held ingo a little flatter.

emmet shouted, tried to stop her-

she scraped emmet against ingo, and the sound resonated back in her soul.

is that pain?

ingo cried out, and emmet shouted, and elesa was silently terrified as she ran.

what did she just do?

and now. presenting,,the section ive copy-pasted from my doc bc im not rewriting this its already decent

(uhhh. ok including some stuff mentioned above bc its good writingtm and if im copy pasting you all should see it. and maybe doctored to be better idk well see this post is hella more freeform than the others)

of course, elesa did not mean to hurt them.

of course, she still made the mistake of scraping them incorrectly.

of course, ingo is afraid to make her feel bad for it.

and of course, emmet does not give a single shit. (well, he gives enough to not mention it the first time, because ingo is hurt, and hes a little too worried to be angry at anyone.)

(besides, having your back scraped against anything doesnt feel the best either…especially when it means your blade is being dulled.)

what this all results in is emmets back being sore,

and ingos side being ripped to shreds.

it turns out raw, like a layer of skin or two has been ripped away, and a few spots where there are full chunks taken out of his side.

this reflects in a rougher surface on his blade, and few shreds of metal being torn out.

the roughness heals with time, as does the rawness on his side.

the chunks heal with time, as well, though scars are left behind.

the chunks taken out of the blade never go away. (because ingo never forgets. because ingo is admittedly terrified of the thought. because ingo hates that his brother hurt him, that elesa hurt him, that he couldnt tell her at first for fear of being blown off, or hated.

because the scars stay.)

so in the end, they dont mention it.

and in the end, a good 4 months later, once ingos wounds have healed (for the most part) and theyre in a similar situation, elesa goes to do the same thing.

emmet tries to stop her. ingo grits his teeth.

ingo cries out in pain, this time, and emmet cries out in turn, and elesa is alarmed, but still moves to get out of the area before enemies they cant handle find out they can handle them.

the moment theyve made their way to a far away forest, where the madmen (who barely have a mind of their own) surely cant find them, emmet is transforming back, and carefully snatching ingo out of her hands.

he carefully avoids the blade, instead working at her fingers to make her drop it so he can hold the hilt instead.

she stares blankly as emmet holds ingo close to himself, baring the edge elesa scraped emmet against. after a moment, his gaze turns a little darker, and he hides ingo beneath his coat.

Elesa opens and closes her mouth a few times. She's hurt him, she doesn't know how, but…"Is…is Ingo al-"

"No!" Emmet interrupts, voice louder than she'd ever heard it, frown baring teeth and gaze hard as stone. His voice was still monotone, but only almost. Anger leaked in, somehow, in a way she'd never heard.

She steps back, just a little.

"I…did I do something…?" She asks, voice weak, faltering under Emmet's stony gaze.

Emmet stares back, and she hears, faintly, Ingo pleading for Emmet not to yell at her, that she didn't mean to.

"You should not even be talking," he says quietly, and Ingo stops.

"...Emmet?" Elesa says again.

He takes a shaky breath in, and looks her in the eyes.

"What do you think happens when you scrape the sharp part of a blade against the blunt part of another?"

Her eyes widen.

Ingo…he'd screamed, earlier, hadn't he? And Emmet had yelled, too-

"I…" There's nothing she can really say. She reaches forward, just a little, and takes her hand back when Emmet steps backwards in response. "I…I'm so sorry…" She finally said, voice soft, eyes filled with tears. "I had no idea…"

Emmet paused.

Elesa finally started crying, drawing back, looking away.

She hated to cry in front of others. She'd told them that much, by now.

And much, much more.

She could be trusted, he thought.

Ingo muttered the same, still hurting, but conscious nonetheless.

"Can I…" Elesa started, pausing to sniffle. "Can I at least see what I've done?"

Emmet carefully pulled Ingo out from beneath his coat, holding out Ingo's injured side.

She sobbed.

Chunks of metal, taken out. A rougher surface, visible even to the untrained eye.

"Did this happen…"

Emmet nodded, frown softer now, but still a little angry. "Ingo forced me not to tell you." He paused. "I…I am not truly mad."

And she turned up to him, and blinked.

"It is not truly your fault. You did not know. I…I am mad you did not notice him hurting. And I am mad Ingo did not let me tell you." He pulled Ingo closer to him again. "Just please, do not do it again."

She nodded, over and over, falling to the ground.

Emmet kneeled to the ground with her.

Ingo muttered that he would be alright between them, voice quiet.

After a long while, Elesa crying and apologizing, Ingo asking her not to, Emmet simply sitting there, she looked up at Emmet.

"Are you alright?"

He smiled, but it was small. "My back is a little sore. Ingo is hurt far more."

She looked down to where Ingo had been set on the grass, injured edge face up. "Why is he still…?"

"He would be much harder to carry," Emmet said simply. "And he cannot walk. We learned that the hard way last time."

She turned away, and said quietly, "I can't believe I did that to you two twice. Without even noticing."

'It is alright,' Ingo spoke, quieter than he ever had been or ever would be. 'I am the one who chose not to tell you.'

"...can I hold him?" Elesa asked, knowing Emmet would care far more than Ingo would.

Emmet nodded, and Elesa carefully held him by the hilt, a hand supporting his uninjured side.

"I am so sorry," she said softly, yet again.

'You have promised not to do it again,' Ingo said softly, reaching out to her soul just a little, 'and that is enough for me.'

She laughed, a little broken. "I doubt it's enough for Emmet."

She looked up to him.

He looked away.

"I…I am still very angry."

"I used you to hurt him," she said simply. "I would be, too."

And he looked back.

"But you did not mean to. And Ingo kept it from you. And he is alright."

He set a hand on Elesa's, the one holding Ingo's hilt.

"I am still very angry," he said again, and his voice was still monotone, and his eyebrows were still furrowed, but his eyes were soft, and his frown was more worried than anything else. "But not expressly at you. You are forgiven. As long as you do not do it again."

She nodded, and kept nodding, and laughed, relieved. "Ok. Ok."

Soon enough, the team they'd been separated from (and who had heard the noise, scraping and loud but wrong, the weapons of them hearing the scream from another soul like theirs) found them, and soon enough, Elesa was forced forward to explain, having already given Ingo to Emmet to keep safe.

Emmet walked forward, showing the damage, as well as the remains of the last time showing through.

Their honorary uncle, teacher of the school, and demanded leader of the mission (he wasn't letting his boys go out there on their own if there were others going, too), Drayden, gave a gasp. "Are the wounds from that time also…?"

Elesa nodded, head tilted down, eyes hidden behind her hat.

Her hiccups were still audible.

"Elesa did not know," Emmet defended.

They all turned to him, including Elesa.

"I wanted to tell her, of course. But Ingo thought she'd think us weak."

'It saved us,' Ingo added, voice weak. 'If it was necessary…'

"You would do anything if it was necessary," Emmet snapped.

Ingo quieted.

"...sorry," Emmet muttered.

'I know.'

"I didn't know," Elesa said. "But I should've noticed he was hurt regardless."

Emmet and Drayden gave a laugh.

When she turned, the latter gave another chuckle. "That boy could hide a broken arm if he wanted to."

Her eyes widened when Emmet laughed again.

"He has."

Drayden spluttered a little at that one; everyone got a good laugh, at the least.

"She has promised not to do it again," Emmet added. "It is water under the bridge."

She gave a weak laugh. "Then why'd you make me explain?"

"Because you did it," Emmet said, smile a little cold, eyes closed. "And I am still a little angry at you and Ingo."

After a moment, Drayden held a hand out. "May I hold him?"

Emmet relinquished Ingo easily to the man.

Drayden held him just as carefully, one hand on the hilt and one under the unharmed side.

The other kids (this was supposed to be rather easy, but they all ended up retreating and leaving it to stronger teams) started whispering around them.

One said something like 'what a weak weapon'.

Elesa and Emmet turned to stare coldly.

Drayden frowned, disappointed.

She shied away.

Another muttered 'won't staying like that hurt him?' and Emmet flinched.

Drayden gave a sigh. "Ana has a point." A weapon himself, one who wielded himself without a meister, knew this well.

Emmet's hand flew to his mouth. "I…it's so easy for us these days, I almost forgot…"

Elesa turned to Drayden. "Is staying in his weapon form hurting him?"

Drayden hummed, worried and deep in his chest. "It's expending a lot of energy and focus…and probably isn't the best for his wound."

'...it will bleed if I transform…' Ingo said. His voice was shaky.

Emmet made a pained noise in the back of his throat.

"I'll be here to carry you," Drayden said, voice gentle, but sure.

After a long moment, Ingo transformed.

And once the light faded, he laid in Drayden's arms, already unconscious.

Emmet walked forward, and picked up Ingo's hand, dangling over the side of Drayden's hold. "He wasn't allowing himself to pass out so he wouldn't transform."

Drayden nodded.

Everyone went quiet. Elesa walked forward and put a reassuring hand on Emmet's shoulder.

Drayden finally turned, Emmet and Elesa turning with him. "We should get back to the school. He can be treated there."

Emmet never let go of Ingo's hand, and Elesa never let go of Emmet's shoulder.

Drayden made sure his hold was firm, that he carefully avoided touching Ingo's right side (luckily the one that was facing away from Drayden, since he was holding Ingo's uninjured side in the first place).

The school nurse was able to learn what had happened this time, Elesa accompanying Emmet and Ingo as well.

She got a bit of a chewing out-'be careful with the blades of your weapons, even when it comes to each other'-but it was more about being careful than being truly bad to her weapons.

Emmet kept insisting she didn't know.

Drayden affirmed it, having come with.

The nurse dropped it rather quickly, but still made sure Elesa knew to be careful.

Once she was gone, and it was just Drayden, Elesa, and Emmet, Elesa stared, with hollow eyes, at Ingo's unconscious form.

And she asked again, "How didn't I notice?"

Emmet gave a quiet laugh. "We are verrrry good at lying when we need to."

Ingo hadn't woken up by the time they left. (Emmet stayed, the nurse having given up trying to drive either of them away at this rate.)

After a 30 minute wait the next day, though, Ingo opened his eyes.

Elesa apologized, over and over and over, and Ingo simply smiled, tiny but real.

"It's not your fault," he said, again and again. "I kept it from you. You are an excellent meister. I could never blame you."

Years later, after a few too many run ins with situations where it would save them a lot of trouble, and with the knowledge that it could be done right, Ingo convinced Emmet to have them teach Elesa how to do it right.

Luckily, Drayden had gifted them replicas of their weapon form for their most recent birthday, on the grounds of 'never forgetting who they were'.

(The chips in Ingo's sword were built in, perfect replicas that they were.

He laughed when he first saw it.

They were like prizes now, reminders of Elesa's care for them, reminders that he still had his own mind, even as a weapon.

He had always taken the brunt of bullying for Emmet.

He had always wondered about his worth just a little more.

After all of that, he could be just a little more sure of it, instead.)

They were a perfect way to show her how it was done.

Once they'd figured it out themselves, they booked an open Saturday for all three, and set out to Elesa's apartment to invite her to the training ground in DWMA.

Their first lesson: side against side.

This was the hardest.

Emmet's side is rather small, and unless you know his blade very very well, it's hard to remember where it is without looking for quite a while.

Inevitably, though, she could do that.

The second lesson, and pleaded for by Emmet: for the love of Arceus, lower your pressure.

Part of what made both incidents so damaging was the sheer pressure Elesa used when pressing down.

This was the easiest part to get down.

The third, and final, lesson: be sure, but not hasty. If you stutter, it doesn't make the right noise. If you're too fast, though, you risk damaging the blades in the process.

After a few weeks, Elesa training in her own time, she asked to try again.

When they paused in return, she promised to be gentle at first, promised she knew what she was doing now.

They agreed.

She did it gently, at first, for the first 50 rounds.

On the 51st, she did it the way she had been.

An awful noise rang through the clearing.

Both weapons cheered, Ingo giving a loud 'Bravo!!'

Neither had been harmed.

After some more training, and once they weren't afraid of it, Emmet and Ingo got talking, once they'd gotten home.

The next time the three trained together, they asked Elesa to try again, saying they wanted to try something.

She simply shrugged and held her hands out for them as they transformed.

When she scraped Emmet against Ingo, the awful noise echoed throughout the clearing in a way it hadn't before, bouncing roughly off of her soul.

They apologized for that, admitting they didn't mean for it to affect her, as well; she just shook her head, saying she was used to the sound by now, asking them how they'd done it.

They transformed back, explaining the process of bouncing the sound between each other and out into other souls in the area.

She was very impressed.

Drayden was cheering them on for it within the hour, having been called over to see by his excited nephews (and honorary niece).

you have made it to the realm of non copy pasted stuff! i added the part where they train her how to do it right instead of writing that part again bc its 3 am and it was already good

okok. more fun non copy-paste stuff (that i discarded and had to rewrite UGHHHHH)

once ingo has healed and been sent home, and once drayden has the time, he comes over to visit.

He asks Emmet to leave the two of them alone (just for a small while, he promises, when the boy hesitates-caring as ever, the both of them, same as they've always been), and sits down on the twins' couch, ignoring the creak when he sits down (but revelling in the snort Ingo makes as he does).

And, after a moment, he asks Ingo to look at him, turning as he does.

Grey eyes stare up into his, focusing intently.

"If your meister dismisses you when you tell them they have harmed you," he begins, slow and methodic, words to live by being spoken, words to respect, "they should not be your meister. And if your fellow weapon dismisses you when you tell them you are harmed, they should not be your fellow weapon."

Grey eyes stare up back at him, glassy.

He pauses for a long moment.

These are words to let sink in, words to remember.

They are a lesson he learned the hard way, words he should've lived by.

There is more than one reason he now wields himself, this among the many.

They are words he taught himself, words he teaches many, whenever he has the chance.

Ingo nods, firm and sure, after a moment.

He recognizes that, that they are words to live by.

He figures he won't need them, with people like Emmet and Elesa around.

But they will stay safe in his heart regardless.

n e ways. its 3:50 am PASKSKD and i had to rewrite it so srry if it looks fucky ^^' however that's it for our midnight-4 am soul eater au post bonanza!! gn everybody lmao

#AUGGGHHH JTS 4 AM..THIS TOOK SO LONG #thank you for asking abt ingos no good very bad days tho anon the drayden part was fun to write #and even the copy pasted stuff is just fun to show off!!#also srry if the twins characterization feels Off theyre supposed to be 14 but like. shrugs idk i did my darndest #regardless. ITS 4 AM!!! i hope everyone likes this but i am GOING TO SLEEP!! gn lmao #pokemon #submas #soul eater au #trash talks

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sawtual · 2 years

Note

Watched Saw 1-3 & thought of smth.. I genuinely believe that Amanda was better of dying in her trap. I don't think that she ever deserved to be there but what John did to her was far worse a fate than death. I genuinely believe that Amanda thinks this too and it's one of the reasons why she rigged her traps in 3 to always kill. I think she believes she shouldve died and that surviving from a saw trap doesn't fix you and is just worse than dying. Maybe thats like what the lore is am I'm just realizing that now but eh.. Just some food for thought ig

HSJDJFNG ok most times when ppl say my fave character should die i would disagree but no like youre right unfortunately. if the only 2 options were for amanda to be groomed by john or die, i think at least towards the end of saw 3 even amanda wishes she had just died back then...

i do think one thing thats very interesting is amandas extreme will to survive yk? she did what barely anyone could; i havent looked at the exact numbers but very few people actually do survive jigsaws games. the fact shes always been so desperate to cling to life is definitely something i think john admired + something he wanted to use for his advantage. also like... thinking about this, her will to live, it makes you think abt her decision to shoot lynn at the end of saw 3. i can think abt it from a few angles but my main ones are "she did believe john + knew they would all die, but couldnt bring herself to risk john knowing what happened. she was acting on a suicidal urge and had essentially given up" vs "she didnt believe john, and the reason she shoots lynn is because shes too terrified of john learning the truth. she'd rather betray him again than possibly face the full wrath of john". honestly i pingpong between these, going back n forth. it really is something im curious about and think about a lot! i do genuinely think she was terrified of john though, and believed if he found out amanda was complicit in gideons death, whatever he did to her would be so much worse than dying.

(side note , im PRETTY sure john knew of amandas involvement in gideons death? at first when i wrote this i was 100 percent sure and now i actually talked myself out of it a bit x_x i was thinking she was picked to play because john knew of her involvement but actually.. i feel like john would have mentioned it in the tape? but idk.. and maybe the trap ripping her mouth open could have had something to do with like.. irony about her asking her ex bf to get the drugs? IDK. these are thoughts fresh off the dome)

ALSO WHAT YOU SAY ABT HER RIGGING..!! is one of my top theories!! i genuinely do think she believed she had been reborn at first, and feverishly devoted herself to john, but i think it only became clearer and clearer to her how fucked up and unfair jigsaws games are. she clearly believed adams involvement was unfair, she was ridden with guilt over it and i think killing him to save him was a main catalyst in her losing herself + her will to live. then you have the gas house, she saw nothing but violence and suffering in there and clearly got a first person POV that no one was getting better, people were only suffering or hurting others. like she saw how close xavier got to winning!? if daniel hadnt killed him he might have actually won! at least in her eyes he didnt grow from this. he was cruel and violent and chose to hurt others when it was never needed. man didnt even do his own trap. 😭 + eric matthews whole shit?? he didnt change. or grow. he was violent and cruel as well. and of course her own personal hatred + fear messed with her in regards to him, hes the reason shes even here yk..?? as fair as amanda knows, jigsaw ONLY targetted her because she was am addict. and she can solely blame eric matthews for that happening. the was she collapses in pain after the fight. i just think amanda was really letting it sink in, just how badly her life was turning out 😓

but yeah basically i think her making her traps unwinnable because she didnt believe anyone actually changes from them (+knowing it can make you worse) is a super compelling theory and i honestly agree. i could honestly see it as an act of mercy on her part. ntm all her traps (iirc) killed their victims instantly, whereas john would leave people to just die of thirst in dark rooms 😐. honestly all amandas traps were pretty kind in that regard 😭

.....also also i DO think amamda had the potential to be rehabilitated even during saw 3 when she was at her most detatched and unhealthy, i know she could have been saved if there was any effort put into it on someones part, but i seriously do not believe that the police department + courts would show her any mercy for being a jigsaw accomplice. like. at all @_@. and i think serving more jail time instead of getting actual mental health aid, would only serve to make her that much more hateful and withdrawn and violent :( its extremely sad imo. amandas story is so compelling to me because at pretty much every turn, if she had just been shown more kindness, is someone had just stepped in sooner, maybe things wouldnt have ended up the way they did :( but no one really cared about her, save for the small kindness that adam showed her in the hallway.. and that was too late 😥

#*wakes up* *recieves saw ask* *goes fucking insane*#text heavy #anon #saw #amanda young #AUAUAUGH AMANDA MOMENTS SHE MAKES ME CRAZED. INSANE EVEN #also in regards to u wondering if what u said is canon lore: saw canon lore is so wishy washy + we never get anything super concrete -#in regards to amandas motives? like theres the implication hoffman had a lot more to do with her 'rigging' in the later movies #even to the point of him possibly framing her abt it 😐 (we see him tinkering with the angel trap)#ntm we dont know if amanda truly believes what shes saying in the 'fix me motherfucker' scene #or if shes just lashing out in fear and anger.#i think it's both honestly.. i think shes had strong doubts abt jigsaws whole belief #plus her crying out that shes just a pawn #i think she said that because shes scared its true #she maybe even partially believes it.. but mainly think she was voicing her own fears in hopes that they could be disproven #LIKE CLEARLY SHE WAS BEING MANIPULATED AND GROOMED... but i think she was desperately clinging onto the hope that john would -#accept her and love her despite anything she had done #and when i say love i mean paternally @_@. i think she saw a violent man and went 'yay new dad' ! and got so fucking traumatized #asks #LONG POST #im sorry i havent thought much abt saw the past week and this bursted the freaking dam

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sailorhyunjinz · 3 years

Note

What do you think first kiss with skz be like?

aAWH SOME FLUFF T-T OK BUT KEEP IN MIND- fluff is not my strongest pursuit hence why im not a fluff writer hahsah but HEY ITS CUTE!! and anon,,, im so sorry this took such time IM SO SO SORRY AAAAAAAAH-

also this makes me wanna know my anons first kiss story, AAAH SPILL THEM

warnings; none?? fluff,,, wow,, rare to say that LMAO- also gn!reader and also suggestiveee??

Bangchan

~gentleman~

will only kiss you if you are REALLY ready for it and if the two of you are dating

doesnt want to rush you into things (even if its just a kiss) because he doesnt know how comfortable you are and such

basically a sweetheart

i imagine its like a cute little date

night where you guys are stargazing, lying on a blanket on a grassy hill with his arm as a pillow for your head

“chan, look! its a shooting star! make a wish” you giggle to which he smiles, looking at your pretty features that are lit up by the moonlight

“hmm,,, dear star, i wish that y/n would kiss me” he says, laughing directly after but soon being interupted as you attach your plushy lips against his

its probably the most romantic event in your life

him smiling into the kiss as your tongues danced around softly

when you pulled away you laughed, saying; “wishes do really come true, huh?”

poor baby is blushing, his ears red but thankfully for him its too dark for you to see

Minho

the “evil roommate that secretly has feelings for you”

“lee minho i swear im gonna rip your hair off if you touch my plants again”

minho got out of his room, looking at you standing in the living room and rearranging the plants on the windowsill

“they are all scattered, it’s ugly” he says rudely

“dont call my children ugly” you spit back at him

there was always a weird tension between you and minho. you were glad to have found a roommate that made a good friend eventhough he was a pain in the ass sometimes

minho liked you,,, and therefore he did everything the opposite of what he felt. if he wanted to compliment you on your outfit he would instead say that you looked “overdressed” or “too much” but you always rolled your eyes towards his snarky comments

you pecked your plants, giving them the love they needed and minho just stood frozen in the doorway, without thinking he spoke

“how come you never do that to me?”

silence

you sneered, placing down the plant you held and streched out your arms

“c’mere if you dare” you said jokingly, not expecting the boy you always thought was so devilish to run into your arms, lips touching and your eyes widening at the unexpected action

the two of you held each other, breathing shaky as wet tongues collided, the sun beaming upon your figures

“m-minho,,, it was a joke!” you laughed, slapping his arm playfully as you pulled away

“but to me it wasn’t” he remarked cockily, licking the inside of his cheek

Changbin

very much giving me like “we dont like each other but we have to work with each other”

like you two are co-workers, working in a boring office and you were assigned to put together this one report and,,, lets say Changbin wasnt your favorite in the office

there was nothing wrong with him,,, its just his vibe that was off putting but sigh,,, work is work

you started compiling information, sitting in a seperate room and drawing graphs on the whiteboard, projecting some other type of research onto the board

“do you think we will need to stay late?” he asks, ruffling his hair in frustration

you sigh and nod, this wasnt going to get done anytime soon.

dawn set on horizon and the others workers packed up their belonging one by one and left until there was only you and changbin left in the now quiet office

you sat next to him, yawning as you typed something as you felt him looking at you

you looked back with a questionable expression, confused when he uttered his words

“do you hate me, y/n?”

“i mean,,, you are a dick sometimes but i dont hate you, at least you do your work”

he shrugged his shoulders, loosening his necktie as he leaned back into the office chair

“a dick, huh? maybe i try to push you away so you wont catch the same feelings i have for you”

you snapped your head towards him. you couldnt lie, he was attractive and at this point you were desperate

“kiss me then” you said simply causing the boy to immediately cup your cheeks, latching onto your lips as if he’d waited for this moment for forever

more tongue, wants you to feel him ;))

lets just say,,, he made it up to you

Hyunjin

i get this like,,, youthful vibe,,, like the two of you were childhood friends

and,,, eventually you catch feelings for him which you hate because,,, you dont want to ruin this friendship

every time somebody mistook you for a couple the both of you would make retching noises, mocking each other

“you think my standards are that low?” hyunjin says pointing at you to which you raise your fist

“hwang hyunjin, you’re dead meat”

but,,, he was only in denial, it was his childhood friend afterall

probably happened at one of those night where your mom was working late and you invited hyunjin to keep you company, him bringing kkami as well.

“dont fucking burn the pizza, hyunjin” you say, petting kkami until the little rascal ran away from your lap

“if you helped it wouldnt be burned” he replies as he comes out with two plates with the pizza burned on the edges

“but if they taste bad you can always taste my lips” he jokes and you look at him with a disgusted facial expression before laughing

“i bet they taste even worse then your mess of a pizza, i would like to see you try to even get me to peck you” you scoff and hyunjin rolls his eyes, sitting next to you on the sofa

“try it then” he taunts but is taken aback when you actually kiss him, your nose accidentally brushing against his as you purse your lips, hyunjin timidly using his tongue to test the waters

he wanted it so bad and he finally got it >:(( he could swear that he heard fireworks going off in his brain

a moment of silence appeared until hyunjin cockily uttered:

“so,,, did they taste better?”

Jisung

the “i met you at a party and made out with you drunk”

he stared at you the entire night, catching glances while you looked away and the music blared in the nightclub that was packed with people.

you ordered a drink at the bar, tapping your fingers on the oak surface where you rested your arms, suddenly somebody bumped into you

turning around you saw jisung and you sighed, thinking his behaviour was starting to get annoying

“oh its you again” you said loud for him to hear as he sat down next to you, having a annoying smirk plastered on his lips

“looks like you are having fun, let me guess,,, you’re trying to get over your ex” jisung says, leaning his elbow against the bar and you glared at him because it was true

you scoffed, avoiding his question and instead sipping on the sour drink you had in your hands, trying to forget everything

he was attractive which only pissed you off even more, as if you hadnt had enough pretentious assholes in your life

the glass slammed against the table as you put it down harshly, gazing into the boys dark brown eyes

“alright, deal. make me forget then since you think you know everything about me” you stated to which jisung raised his eyebrow

the palm of his hand was firmly placed on the bar as he leaned in to kiss you, feeling the bitter liquour hitting his tastebuds as your tongues crashed against each other

it felt,,, freeing. you swung your arms around his neck, wanting him closer to your body

by the way he was kissing you, you could tell that he was there for the same reason as you. a sloppy and heated kiss to fill your thoughts with something other than your ex

safe to say that the kiss progressed ;))))

Felix

aaah cutie boyfriend that is just too shy to even give you a kiss like 3 months into the relationship (OK DONT ATTACK ME NOW, TAKE YOUR TIME, NO RUSH YOU GUYS)

he is shy with pretty much everything, it was only recently he could hold your hand without his heart jumping out of his chest.

it was a simple date night! takeout and games at his place

you layed your head in his lap as you watched him finish up the game that you had given up on a long time ago

he shifted awkwardly in his seat, not used to being so close to such a pretty person before

“ah- fuck! i lost again,,,” he says in defeat, his head rolling backwards before a frustrated sigh escaped his lips

“you did well felix! look how far you got!” you say, pointing towards the score on the screen but not getting his attention.

you sat up, looking at him for a moment as his eyelashes lightly draped over his closed eyes, cheeks speckled with freckles

you couldnt help yourself, he looked so angelic despite being defeated and so you leaned in, lacing your fingers with his and softly placing your lips against his

he opened his eyes in panic before being swallowed by the fluffy feeling of having your lips to himself, he giggled before stroking your cheek as he tilted his head, almost setting a rhythm to the sweet kiss

felix started laughing shyly, cheeks tinged with red as he hid his face with a pillow

“but you won my kiss!” you said through a smile causing felix to blush even more

Seungmin

its like,,, maybe,,, your third or fourth date??

this one is more chill than the previous ones that were at like some fancy restaurang because hello dandy puppy boy wants class

but this one was like a stroll down the night streets and eating ice cream in the middle of the summer

both of you were casually dressed, holding hands as butterflies bubbled in your stomach from the contact

his hand is all warm and it engulfs yours >:(

you look at all the pretty sights of the night, eventually climbing up to some like high point and looking down at all the lights that blinked

after a good 1 1/2 hours of walking your legs were starting to ache and so you both sat down on the swings of a desolate playground, swinging gently with your legs dangling

“i dont understand how you’re able to,,, even be friends with me,,, or whatever we are,,”

seungmin hummed, looking up into the night sky

“i promise y/n, i will be your,,, friend but,,,”

you looked at him as he said “but”, imagining the worst

“i dont wanna be friends, i wanna be more than a friend to you”

his eyes twinkled as he stood up and stood infront of you, grabbing your hand

you slowly looked up at him, his figure standing in the way of the moon as the two of you shared a long gaze, his eyes as sweet as honey, dripping with pure adoration

you pulled him closer by the hand and slowly he inched to your lips, the distance between you minimizing as his face tilted to the right, a delicate and sugary kiss landing on your tastebuds from the ice cream from earlier.

your heart skipped a beat, the slightest sound of lips smacking

“i think i love you y/n” he whispered close to your lips after pulling away.

Jeongin

like,,, uni buddies!

both being med students meant late study night, usually in school

there’s papers and diagrams laid out all over the tables and floors along with a bunch of energy drink cans, some scribbles on the whiteboard

the two of you were friends and met in uni and everyone had always nagged at you for not going after him since he was everything someone ever wanted

you always said that you were friends and that you couldnt imagine being in a relationship with jeongin

but studying with him alone into the deep night felt different, many times you couldnt concentrate when he looked so cute sitting right beside you

being close friends, there was nothing weird about hugging or leaning against each other and so you leaned against his shoulder and yawned as the cozy boy was rewriting some notes.

“one hour left y/n and then- then we can go hoooome!”

you giggled as you looked at him and he diverted his attention from his papers to you, his lips only mere inches from yours

you didnt know what the fuck you were doing and neither did jeongin, it was late and the both of you were tired from studying for finals

and so your lips drew closer until they clashed, feeling a tension that you’ve never felt with him before

he’s definitely a shy,,, kisser?? not too much tongue since he doesnt know how LMAO so its like soft >:((

didnt know what to do when he pulled away, looking around the room or covering his blushing face with his hands but when you hug him he hugs you back

maybe even coming to terms that he does have feeling for you,,, and so do you~

#stray kids fluff #skz fluff #stray kids headcanons #skz headcanons

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artreider · 3 years

Text

Let's try to get this final live blog on my station 19 rewatch done. I'm currently laid up on my couch in mild pain but unable to do anything else.

I don't really like flashback episodes but i want one for the premiere since we are jumping so far ahead. I hate that this episode starts with a fight. But damn knowing what the fight is over, i love how loyal andy is to maya in this episode. Something ive wanted for her and the team. Qnd also jaina looks gorgeous.

The fire scene yay another fire on the fire show lmao. Feel like we missed some last year which im sure was covid related.

The marina scene ugh chefs kiss. I love how happy and giddy they are. I do wish we couldve gotten to see some of their month apart communication and their quarantining apart those two weeks when carina got back. I wrote a little something related to that and i may share before the premiere of season 5.

The quiet moment between carina saying her morning was better than those 6 weeks and then asking about mayas folks was a beautiful and real moment and i love it. So brief it could be overlooked but great choice for team.

The little bit of danielle and stefania that was them and adlibbed in this episode was so great also.

I love that rhey addressed how everyone was able to attend maskless and how safe the wedding was keeping the real world element in. Also vic love you and your chicken dance comment makes me sad that we didnt get it.

Vics parents trying to talk to her about theo is so cute.

Poor lawyer she'd be good for dean.

I understand some people dont come out until late in life but that is hard to hear that you havent loved the person youve been with for decades like you do this new person. That would hurt me so much to hear, like i couldve been with someone who is my great love if youd told me sooner. I love/hate this storyline for travis family.

Ugh if this fire had gone on any longer those poor kids and elderly couple.

Haha andy you should wait until someone answers the door for you when visiting almost newlyweds or people who've been seperated for 6 weeks lmao.

Also maya's excuse and none wet (shower) sex hair i love it.

Ugh sullivan trying to defend himself makes me so upset.

Bailey giving ben hell about second and third opinions is funny, like i figure shed be all for it.

Inara and marcus leaving jack is sad. I hope we still get to see marsha in season 5. Also if they do pair jack and jo itd be a bit ironic. I mean jo too had an abusive ex like inara.

Also jack and his marsha have similar eyes, itd be something if it came out she really was his mom.

I dont understand how maya hadnt settled on what to wear she's queen of the clipboard lmao. Just goes to show how some things throw us off course. Also i totally get her saying her outfit choice will define her forever. I judge my look in my wedding photos all the time and feel like other people do as well.

Why do i feel like this exchange between maya and carina was mostly adlibbed? It just feels so fun.

This poor family and ugh i couldnt imagine having to make the tough calls of firefighters/fire captains.

Love that all the fire crew helped put the wedding on.

I understand travis emotion here.

How'd this conversation about maya's folks get started with andy???

I love that maya and andy's friendship is restored. Also famous last words maya, dont speak the bad juju into existence.

Dean you shouldve spoken up there.

Why the chief there? I live in a city and the chief aint showing up for a house call that needs a few units. At least not until fire is out of they for some reason cant get it out.

Lmao maya freaking out about wearing the same thing as carina. Andy therapizing maya is funny.

That poor boy.

The dad comments to ben are beautiful. Also love that so many of the team know how dean feels about vic.

So why is travis getting dressed separately than the rest of his team. I mean i know its because he doesnt know about Dean's feelings and pushes vic to give theo a chance as well as allow theo and travis to talk but come on. He wouldnt get ready separately.

Also what was the point of theo going to that room if not to get ready. Sorry just annoying.

I wish carina had had someone mention andrew to her. Whether ben, bailey, maya or even any of the fire team who worked on the call with him during the crossover awhile back. Her grief during this day of happiness should've been acknowledged, even with just a remembrance table for him amd other family she lost to covid.

I do love this beautiful moment with vic though saying this isnt all just for maya.

Oh my how i love the maya confronting her father. She is the brave i want to be. Also what she says to her mom, yes chefs kiss. However when her mom shows up at the wedding, really the woman couldnt grab a nice shirt or dress to wear on her way out or on her way to the wedding.

I also love the look of pride on maya's moms face both at the house and the wedding.

Im sad we probably wont get any moments of her living with marina due to the time jump.

Ugh the choice that cost maya her promotion but ahouldnt have.

Also with all maya's options for clothes, couldnt they had dressed her mama in something borrowed from maya. Lol im sorry it bothers me so.

Vic's song for the intro is beautiful. Barrett has a beautiful voice.

Maya is so happy her mom is there and i love it. Also in my head at least one person videoing is doing it for the greys family who couldnt make it to the wedding for carina.

I also love maya singing along with vic to carina.

Queen of the clipboard forgetting to write her vows is special and funny. I love carina talking her down from a panic attack. Also her simple vow is beautiful and how carina who probably did write her vows saying we're good instead of reading them after seeing maya's mom in attendance and the look shared is everything.

I truly believe that was the moment she 100% knew maya had changed from end of season 3, was definitely all the way in. She knew what it meant for maya's mom to be there.

Love the dance montage and improved marina kiss.

Another healing theo and travis talk.

Sullivan just cant let it go and ugh trying to justify it. I just cant, still not over it. Even if he isnt captain in season 5 it still isnt right.

Sullivan you cant say you have the teams back then saying you can control them and throwing maya under the bus. Those are contradictory.

This jack and andy conversation is interesting.

This marina conversation is funny but sad when you know the end of the episode.

Its so funny that so few people know about Miller's feelings at this point.

It'll be interesting to see the travis, vic and theo in season 5.

Ben and bailey are so cute.

Wish we couldve had conversations at the wedding with maya and her mom or carina and maya's mom or the 3 of them.

Inara is so wise. I hate this for all 4 of them.

Gotta love the ole grab em and pull em back to kiss them and let them know how you really feel tremmett moment.

Too late dean, they tried to tell you.

I love marina dancing in the background ugh sullivan and the surrera rehashing.

Time for the horrible news ugh.

Everyone just looking at marina and knowing is horrible.

Great season, great episode and im looking forward to whats next.

Thank you to everyone thats been following my rewatch blogging, and for all the kind comments. I appreciate it so much, made the summer so fun.

#station 19 #marina #maya bishop #carina deluca #maya and carina #maya x carina #andy herrera #robert sullivan #dean miller #ben warren #jack gibson #inara #victoria hughes #travis montgomery #maya and carina station 19 #carina x maya #miranda bailey #theo ruiz #emmett dixon

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