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thefirsttree · 3 years

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A personal update + my next game

OK, time to do this. I’ve been meaning to do a big DAVID WEHLE™ update for a while now and explain why I haven’t released a new game yet, but you know how life gets in the way. Especially when life is a quarantine hellscape, you have three beautiful, amazing, exhausting kids to raise, a spouse’s job you support, a viral YouTube channel that turns your brain to mush, a thousand emails waiting in your inbox since your game is free on the Epic Games Store (with an impressive number of redemptions too! … meaning lots of emails and customer support issues), etc., etc. What also contributes to my lack of updates is because… I just don’t really like posting online. Fascinating correlation, I know!

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be a venting/ranting blog post (well, maybe a bit), because my life is seriously AMAZING and INSANELY BLESSED and LUCKY. I can’t believe how many dreams keep coming true, so much so that I feel I don’t deserve it and I really pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes… but I did want to at least be honest, because I owe that to myself.

Wow, where do I even begin? Well, how about we start with the reason I’m even a full-time indie game dev now: The First Tree. This small hobby project I worked on at night morphed into this gargantuan beast (or fox) that took over my life the past 5 years. Which is great! I’m living the dream! And yet, I really didn’t expect it to do as well as it did. At its core, my game is a slow-paced, sad walking simulator (ahem, I prefer the term “exploration game,” but you know what I mean) that somehow seemed to launch at the right time to the right audience. It resonated deeply with some of you, and for that I’m eternally grateful. I still get emails almost daily how my game changed their lives in some formative way. I’m beyond honored.

However, with that spotlight came criticism and demands from the ever-present, insatiable internet. I would randomly be surfing the gamedev subreddit trying to decompress, and I would see a comment by some rando saying how much I didn’t deserve my success, and how it was all one huge lucky fluke. And I believed them!

And to add to it, some devs considered me an indie marketing “guru”, which I was uncomfortable with. I worked hard to market my game every week, and after my GDC talk, people assumed marketing was my passion; the reason I got up every morning. Just to clarify… NO, I don’t like marketing, and I hate being the center of attention. I don’t like asking people for money and wishlists. But I did what was necessary because I was passionate about telling stories, and I wanted to give my story a fighting chance to be seen on the crowded pages of Steam.

So now, you’re probably wondering “well then David, why did you make fancy YouTube videos showing off your success? Not very modest if you ask me.” This honestly could be a long blog post all on its own, because my experience of putting myself in the spotlight and becoming a “content creator” is… complicated. It was an unusual step for me, especially since I never even showed my face online (as a game developer) until my GDC talk.

First off, I always wanted to teach and start a YouTube channel. I love video editing, especially since I’ve been doing it longer than making games! It’s a huge passion of mine. And teaching people who didn’t know they could make and finish games was a huge motivator (and it’s been so rewarding already). But the second reason is, I was scared. I was self-employed, and I was riding the success of a “huge lucky fluke” that would probably not happen again. I wanted to make sure I could provide for my amazing family, and give them food and health insurance and security in these tumultuous times. I was turning my lifelong passions and hobbies into a business, and it wasn’t as simple of a mental transition as I thought.

So, I went all in on YouTube and the accompanying online course called Game Dev Unlocked. I spent years editing the scripts and videos, and polishing them to a shine. At first, no one watched my videos, no one was buying… and in the blink of an eye, the YouTube algorithm picked up my main autobiographical video (“How Making Indie Games Changed My Life”), and I started getting 5,000 subscribers a day. Right now, I’m at 150,000 subs, which is still hard for me to believe. I always had a dream of earning 100k subs on YouTube, so I was pretty happy with the whole thing. Sales were OK, but mostly people didn’t want to buy the course. Then the emails came in…

Something you should know about me: I am a textbook “people pleaser,” and if someone asks for my help, I take it very seriously. If someone is mad at me, even if I didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all I can think about, and it ruins my day. So, taking an onslaught of people begging for help and multiplying that by an impossible amount of people for my brain to truly comprehend thanks to the internet… and let’s just say it wasn’t a healthy mix.

I received thousands of emails from people who were begging me for some kind of reassurance that everything would be OK. That their dreams would come true too. And I wanted to help every single one of them. I went from a nobody working on a game for fun to becoming a spokesperson for the indie game dream. I couldn’t even get a shake from the Chick-Fil-A drive-thru without someone recognizing me and asking for game dev advice. And it didn’t stop there… I would get emails from suicidal kids asking for help, teenagers from Afghanistan asking me to get them out of their country, and on one occasion I received an email from a hopeful game developer in a war-torn country who had just experienced a bomb blowing up their neighboring village. His friends were dead, and he was hoping he could finish a game before he died too, and he needed my help. How do you say no to something like that? Didn’t I owe it to everyone because I was lucky with my hit game and I needed to “pay it forward”? (Something people constantly reminded me of)

And then to top it off, after you’ve given everything you’ve got to other people in need… you get hate mail in your inbox. You spend the whole day serving your children and strangers on the internet, then when the kids are finally asleep, you hit the bed to relax and take a look at your phone to decompress, and you randomly come across an angry gamer in your Twitter mentions telling you your game they got for free sucks, and that you took away a potentially great game from them and that your apology isn’t good enough.

Long story short, I went to a mental therapist for the first time in my life. I was broken trying to care for two toddlers and a new baby in a pandemic (which is very, very hard), taking care of my course students who gave me their hard-earned money and demanded results, and the countless people begging for help on the internet. I was this introverted, internet-lurker trying to take on the weight of the world. I was so tired and hurt that no one cared about me and my needs… only what I could do for them.

Quitting my day job and making this hobby my full-time job has stirred up… mixed emotions. This statement may disturb some of you, but I was definitely 100% happier when I had a full-time job and I was working on my game at night. I missed working with the amazing team at The VOID, working on Star Wars… back when the success of my game was this abstract thing I could only daydream about. Mostly, I was making my game for me with no outside expectations to pay the bills or satisfy the ever-demanding internet, and that brought me a lot of joy.

It’s not all doom and gloom though! I’m actually very happy now and in the best shape I’ve been since the pandemic started. I’ve had to confront my weaknesses and personality quirks, but I’m a better person for it (and I’m sure these issues would’ve come out eventually). I hired an awesome community manager for Game Dev Unlocked who is helping SO MUCH with the emails, I can’t even tell you the mental burden it alleviates. I even leased a co-working office to help separate work from my home, and that’s been a huge help too. I’ve decided to work with my old friends from The VOID on a cool, new VR experience. It will take me away from my projects a bit, but I’m ecstatic to work with a great team again (and not manage anything, whew).

These are all things I would’ve never guessed I needed, because I thought I knew myself pretty well… turns out I didn’t.

The reality is: running a business is HARD. Running it solo is even harder. You have to remember, I was burnt out on The First Tree well into the Steam release in 2017, but I kept working on it for 4 more years due to my fears of failing again and not earning enough money for my family.

So, I was wrestling with the age-old concept of commercialism and art. There was this dichotomy of doing whatever I wanted and being true to my vision (what most people assume the indie dev dream is like), and doing only what customers wanted to buy. This is something that has killed me with YouTube… in one specific instance, I was super excited to make the exact video I wanted to make. I loved every part of its creation, and I thought it had a message that would inspire everyone. I lovingly edited it over several weeks, posted it, and excitedly waited for the stats… and it was by far my worst performing video.

This is not a new problem. Even the Sistine Chapel by Michelangelo was a commission forced upon him by the very violent Pope Julius II. My wife and I regularly talk about the fine balance between artistic integrity and commercialism, a problem she is very familiar with as an artist who constantly needs to balance what she wants to make with what the customer wants to hang up in their home.

For The First Tree, I was lucky. It was pretty much what I wanted to make (I had to compromise a lot of things of course), and it turned out millions of people wanted it too. Recently, I thought the safe business decision would be to do it all over again, so I started work on a spiritual successor to The First Tree (an idea that I may revisit one day since I do love the story idea). But that isn’t happening anytime soon. Trust me when I say I am now currently burnt out on animal exploration games.

So that realization left me with a question: what do I do next?

I’ve decided I need to make a game that I want to make, for me. It will be a bit different and I’m almost certain most fans of The First Tree will not love it… but it’s an idea that gets me super excited. It’s an idea that could help me fall in love with game development again.

A few more details: this game will be story-driven, first-person, and will use the Unreal Engine. That means development is gonna be slow going, because I have to learn a whole new tool. The “smart business” decision would be to make something quickly in Unity which I’m already familiar with… but I want to do this for me, and UE5 looks like a lot of fun. I’m also shooting for an early-ish release date so I avoid burn out and I keep the game short: I want to release it in Fall 2022, but knowing game development, it will probably take longer.

With the help of my therapist, I’ve also concluded that I’ve been too accessible on the internet and that my self-worth isn’t determined by the amount of people I try to help online. Of course, I love helping people and seeing them succeed, but I need to step back and focus on my family and myself. I will delete my social media apps on my phone (I will still post big updates occasionally) and stop responding to most emails, tweets, DMs, etc. It’s not that I’m ungrateful… in fact, if I don’t say thank you or at least acknowledge the incredibly nice people who share a sweet message about my game or want to tell me how I inspire them (still hard for me to believe, lol), I feel a ton of guilt… but I need to let that go. Please know I’m extremely grateful to all the fans who follow my work, so even if I don’t thank you directly, I truly mean it: thank you.

I will still post and stream occasionally on YouTube when I want to (and I still do live Q&A’s for my GDU students). The online course sales will help support my family as I work on a potentially risky game idea (and my new job will help alleviate the risk too). I’m gonna try one more marketing experiment and sell a mini-course soon (and add an Unreal section), and after that I’m done working on it. A gigantic thank you to the people who bought my course and are part of the amazing community, it has helped me and my family tremendously, and it’s inspiring seeing the games you make!

I’m a bit worried about the whole thing since this new game idea could flop, which could definitely affect my family. But a sappy, high-school yearbook quote is coming to mind… I think it applies here: “A ship in harbor is safe—but that is not what ships are built for.”

Thanks for reading,

David

#gamedev #indie games #the first tree

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hunxi-guilai · 4 years

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I want to ask you on your thoughts of NHS. most ppl see him as good and fanfic write him as still good friends with WWX, and I can’t understand? He manipulated an innocent boy to kill himself when he could have helped him, and also for JGY to die by LXC when it was unnecessary. He did it for revenge and love, but that does not make it right. If you had asked WWX if he was ok to come back by sacrifice he would have said no, and even LWJ would not have agreed as well if he knew first I believe

okay, okay, so I was thinking about this ask for the past few days when it suddenly hit me yesterday like a bolt from the blue (yesterday was a good day for CQL thoughts apparently, because not twenty minutes later the universe smashed me in the face with a Ninefox Gambit!CQL AU), but like,

Nie Huaisang is actually like, a pretty decent embodiment of the idealized Daoist ruler???

no wait, hear me out -- if the best Daoist ruler is the one who employs the correct people for the correct jobs, then sits back and faces south and lets all under heaven fall into order around him, that is exactly what Nie Huaisang does

Sure, he’s decent at gathering intelligence and doing the legwork to uncover literal decades of Jin Guangyao’s conspiracy (we gotta give him some credit for ferreting out the few surviving witnesses of Jin Guangyao’s various crimes and convincing them to come forward, idk about you but I just read Ronan Farrow’s Catch and Kill and it’s hard to get witnesses to trust you that much), but he knows that he’s not equipped with the optimal skillset to uncover/recover the mystery of the scattered corpse parts, so he immediately pivots and goes about getting the right people for the job -- aka wangxian.

And in Guanyin Temple, he isn’t in a particularly good place to kill a weakened Jin Guangyao himself, but Lan Xichen is, so Nie Huaisang employs an unwitting Lan Xichen and his hands to do his dirty work for him.

Like, whew, talk about “聖人不仁，以百姓為芻狗” the sagely man is not benevolent; he treats the common folk as straw dogs (chapter 5 of the 《道德经》Daodejing ). Nie Huaisang manipulates some of our most beloved characters with a cold capability that is just as chilling as it is cunning.

okay but I’m pretty sure anon wants me to make a moral judgment on Nie Huaisang instead of geeking out over academic/philosophical implications of Nie Huaisang as a character, so here goes

Full disclosure, Nie Huaisang makes me pretty ambivalent, because on one hand, I love the way his character subverts a lot of expectations in that one of the weakest characters by in-universe cultivation standards turns out to be one of the most capable and influential. What a phenomenally brilliant idea for questioning the expectations and values set out by the worldbuilding of CQL. Also, I’m a sucker for the Chessmaster character archetype, what can I say...

but on the other hand, I don’t think Nie Huaisang’s character was done particularly well. He “directs” a lot of the events from behind the scenes, sure, but parts of his plan hinge on, uh, luring the juniors to Yi City by killing a lot of cats? Strategically getting himself kidnapped by Su She?? In the novel/audiodrama, planting the killer arm that starts off the scavenger hunt for Nie Mingjue’s body (idk about you but I’m made very uneasy by the irreverent treatment of Nie Mingjue’s body in the audiodrama?)??? In CQL, he may or may not plant the unrestful spirit of Baxia in Mo Manor in hopes that Wei Wuxian, immediately post-resurrection, is not only curious but also in a physical condition that allows him to pursue the investgation???? Which means he also somehow influences Mo Xuanyu to perform a highly experimental demonic ritual????? Idk about you, but there’s just a lot of stuff here that feels very chancy and undefined, and that’s not even taking into account all the things that Nie Huaisang didn’t anticipate, like the confrontation on Koi Tower (in which one of his employed detectives nearly dies from 1. being exposed as the Yiling Patriarch and the ensuing witch-hunt, and 2. getting stabbed by Jin Ling, which, to be fair, I’m not sure there was much Nie Huaisang could have done about it, but there is very easily a timeline where wangxian doesn’t expose Jin Guangyao because they never make it out of Koi Tower?) or the second siege of the Burial Mounds (it’s almost like Nie Huaisang suffers from the same character flaw as Baru Cormorant, i.e. during his own machinations, he forgets to account for the fact that his enemy can also take countermeasures), where a solid 60% of the cultivation world almost died, and boy that would’ve thrown a wrench in his plans doncha think.

Yeah idk, I really want to buy Nie Huaisang as the ultimate chessmaster of the narrative but I, personally, was unconvinced by how the story went about laying the foundation for it and then revealing it. It’s very possible that I feel this way because I’ve only watched CQL once (I’d probably catch more hints of this on a rewatch, I think), but I just wasn’t sold on it. Doesn’t prevent me from enjoying people’s headcanons and fics about hypercompetent/cunning/stealthy Nie Huaisang, though!

(now is probably a good time to mention that I have not watched Fatal Journey, so plz forgive corresponding gaps in knowledge)

Great, okay, now let’s talk about Mo Xuanyu. Before I want to run around laying judgment on Nie Huaisang, I have a lot more questions about Mo Xuanyu as a character. All we learn about him is that he’s gay, unhinged, a bastard son of Jin Guangshan, and a mediocre cultivator with an incredibly abusive family. Crucially, none of the things we learn come from Mo Xuanyu himself, and in this world of easily manipulated reputations and unreliable narrators, there’s no way of knowing how much of what we get about Mo Xuanyu is true. (I have so many questions about the allegations of insanity -- how much of that was a high-strung temperament? Lingering trauma? Jin Guangyao’s retaliatory smear campaign? We don’t know).

So whether or not Nie Huaisang manipulated an unstable Mo Xuanyu into becoming a willing sacrifice for Wei Wuxian, or Mo Xuanyu was an equally competent schemer willing to give up his body and his life for their shared cause, or Mo Xuanyu was the original chessmaster who brought Nie Huaisang in on the game when it became clear that Mo Xuanyu wouldn’t live to see the end, is left totally ambiguous. Again, I have a lot of unresolved questions about who Mo Xuanyu was, but I’m hesitant to lay all the blame at Nie Huaisang’s feet.

As for the lack of consent w/r/t Nie Huaisang’s conduct towards Lan Xichen and Wei Wuxian... Well, Nie Huaisang manipulating Lan Xichen is a pretty rough time for everyone involved. I’ve seen lots of analyses about the poetic justice of it (which gets into a lot of discussion about Lan Xichen’s culpability in Nie Mingjue’s death), but I personally don’t believe that the emotional cost is worth the end result (then again, we all know that I’m incredibly biased towards Lan Xichen). And in the case of Wei Wuxian, lack of consent is a major theme in this text, whether we’re talking CQL or MDZS. The most outstanding example is the golden core transfer -- sure, we cry rivers of tears for the sacrifice Wei Wuxian made, but an important thing to point out is that Jiang Cheng never consented to this operation. Wei Wuxian never asked, never gave him an opportunity to turn down this sacrifice -- Jiang Cheng never gets the chance to see who he could’ve become without a golden core, whether or not he could have made a life and a name for himself by playing outside the rules of the cultivation world. Likewise, Wei Wuxian doesn’t get a choice when he’s brought back -- no one consulted him on whether he wanted to come back, no one asked if he would accept the living cost.

I’m not trying to absolve Nie Huaisang’s character, here, just point out that more of our cast is suspect to the same gray morality when it comes to consent and sacrifice. And again, as in the case of the confrontation between Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian in the Jiang ancestral hall (a discussion you can find here in posts 1, 2, and 3), I’m uninterested in laying down judgment on a character. To me, there’s not much point (or interest) in discussing what a character should have done and how that makes them a good or bad person, but rather take a look at how characters go about dealing with the consequences of their actions.

#ask and ye shall receive #Nie Huaisang #I sense that this might become a contentious post and I am uninterested in getting in an argument about whether or not my opinion is wrong #so if you're planning on sending follow-up asks about this post #I might not respond #just a heads up my dudes #I feel like this post is veering in the same direction that the linked Jiang Cheng-Wei Wuxian posts did #and I cannot overstate how much I do not want to get into a back-and-forth like that again #but hey! I'd still choose Nie Huaisang as my desert island buddy!

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uwumessenger · 4 years

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Could you do the RFA and ofc V and Saeran in an ATLA universe? I love your stuff!

omg yes ofcofc ! sorry some are kinda short lol ;-; but i hope u enjoy B) i’m rewatching atla for the fourth time this quarantine wHEW

btw i feel like mc would be the avatar here...like imagine taking down rika and saving yoosung and shit lmao omg. if you reply/reblog with ur own headcanons for yourself or an oc that would be awesome sauce id love to see it although i highly doubt anyone would do that LOLOLOL IDK BUT IT’S AN OPTION

also SPOILERS for rika’s back story. if the name mika doesnt ring a bell, it’ll be a major spoiler!!!

btw i added rika as well. i was scratching my head @ how to make the plot similar while also staying as cannon as possible but i dont think that’d really work here? so sorry if the relationships are kinda confusing LMAO so saeran is not seven’s brother in this universe. mostly bc the sibling relationship between azula and zuko seemed more fitting for rika and saeran, not saeyoung and saeran, so saeran is rika’s broski here. rika and v had no romantic relationship here, too. lastly, mika is rika’s dad in this au, so she’s genderbent. will be referred to as mikah !

Yoosung

i cant imagine him living anywhere other than ba sing se

hes a pretty good earthbender but he doesnt participate in any underground fight clubs or anything

and he would definitely work in a tea shop

but he eventually joins the dai li UH OH

MC plz save this kid

Zen

um WATER TRIBE

but he cant bend </3

he definitely performs at a water tribe theater and carries every single show

helps MC find a waterbending teacher

hes kinda like sokka and is one of the reasons why MC’s team avatar can function well

honestly zen kinda reminds me of the cabbage guy too so when hes older he’d probably have a business but it’d constantly get destroyed HAHAHA

Jaehee

airbender type beat

jaehee is a MASTER and she trains avatar MC

kinda like avatar yangchen tbh

she is apart of the white lotus !! and an absolute boss at pai sho and teaches MC how to play as well

peaceful queen

would secretly watch zen’s plays on ember island before he joined team avatar and is super excited when he joins them

Jumin

jumin is a firebender

he’d be like piandao except he can bend as well. he’s the person that trains MC in firebending

invented wine in this timeline

and dont worry, elizabeth the third still exists here!! he enjoys tea with only her

part of the white lotus gang gang gang

secret fun fact: when MC was on a rest day, jumin asked zen if he wanted to train as a swordsman. zen agrees and jumin became zen’s master B)

Saeyoung/707

earthbender!!!

hes like toph; the most powerful and skilled earthbender out there

likes to make inventions in his downtime as well

and helps zen with strategizing for attack plans and whatnot

he joins team avatar and trains MC

was never really into tea and preferred inventing weird sugary drinks throughout team avatar’s journey

pop up note: the spoilers for rika’s backstory will be in rika’s hc (but is first mentioned in saeran’s) which is coming up!! scroll past or click off now if u dont want to read da spoilerz

v is lit rally just uncle iroh but younger

he does his best to get saeran back on the right path no matter what

he’d be a grand lotus in the white lotus

plays pai sho w/ jaehee every now and then

gives MC a lot of advice when they need it most. over a cup of tea ofc

yoosung’s therapist after ys leaves the dai li

also saeran’s full time therapist

and he always cares for saeran...but thinks rika is beyond repair and not worth trying to help

Saeran

literally zuko

BUT he cant firebend....considered weak and is easily manipulated by rika

eventually gets banished from the fire kingdom for embarrassing his family once so

also went into a coma after doing one (1) good thing

cant make good tea even if his life depended on it

is good by the end of the story and works with zen at his business as well as trains with jumin

wont admit it but he sees v as a father figure especially since mikah was such a shitty one lol

Rika

ok look i LOVE female villains but i do not like rika for some reason

rika is azula on crack

whoever her mom was, is long gone lol like ursa

fire lord mikah convinces rika that the fire nation is so organized and well structured that they deserve to take over the entire world but dies before their first attack

this is a nod to mika being the real brains behind mint eye and passing away before she could see it get carried out

rika believes that mikah died bc she is much more powerful than him and the universe would rather have her be the one to take over all the nations

by the end of everything no one knows what happens to rika. there’s an intense battle between her and the avatar but rika’s end is all dependent on what the MC decides.

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homespork-review · 4 years

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HOMESPORK ACT 5 ACT 1: Mobius Double Plusungood, Part 3

TW: """funny""" sexual and physical assault of a child by another child, extreme bullying, extreme ableism, a very brief discussion of shipping characters outside their canon sexuality.

CHEL: We get some implications of the part of troll culture we ended on last time when a slightly baffled-looking Nepeta, watching through the viewport, updates her SHIPPING WALL. Instead of hearts, some of the hypothetical pairings she’s painted are marked with diamonds. What this means will be explained shortly.

I can’t help but feel it’s slightly creepy to hypothetically matchmake your own friends, but I’m pretty sure the other trolls know at least that the shipping wall exists if not exactly which ships they’re in, and they do live in a society in which it’s stated later that mating is mandatory, so it would indeed be helpful to have at least emergency-doable matchmaking done well in advance and they might appreciate the help.

I’d like to take a moment to note a ship at the bottom row, left of centre; GA/Tavros. Hussie, on his Formspring, later said that GA was “obviously” a lesbian, or anyway was only interested in women, which doesn’t have a specific term for it in troll culture. It’s actually hard to tell going by what’s shown in canon, because she only displays specific interest in girls except for in a complicated case we’ll discuss later, but trolls are supposed to be bi-normative, plus it’s not like the male selection here is particularly inspiring, so, yeah, the evidence we actually see isn't conclusively "obvious". The fandom, knowing this, systematically harass anyone who even muses vaguely about the possibility of shipping her with a boy, even if they don't know about that Word of God. This is why I’m wondering whether the trolls knew about the shipping wall, because if they did, we can presume GA didn’t care. For the record, I’m sex-repulsed ace and have in fact written about.my own imaginary persona fucking (admittedly fucking an opposite sex clone of herself, it was a complicated injoke) and my reaction to someone else writing it would depend on context and reason, so I can imagine her reacting similarly, but not everyone would. A similar thing with a canonically gay male character explicitly on-screen not caring about hypothetical shipping of himself with girls comes up much later; he’s not a troll, but his upbringing was troll-influenced (long story).

BRIGHT: Harassing people over the ships they make content for always baffles me. It’s not like fanart/fanfic for a ship which contradicts canon has any effect on the canon, and playing around with character dynamics (often in a pornographic manner) is a major part of fanfic.

CHEL: On top of all this, gender and sexuality are really shaky concepts to even try to apply to a species which reproduces hermaphroditically. On this side of the fourth wall it’s obviously because Hussie is a not-very-reflective cisgender heterosexual man, and didn’t think about it any further than “girls wear skirts, right?” Plenty of people fanwank up possibilities for how it could happen on the other side. I think we may have to make a “What The Fuck Is Alternian Biology And Sociology” post or two separate from the sporking at the very end.

Discourse discussion over! Next page, we see some of the relevant terminology used in troll culture, though we still don’t get any explanation of what any of the words actually mean, which is a tad annoying for new readers. The context is a discussion between Karkat and Vriska about getting her into the game.

BRIGHT: Specifically, Karkat wants Vriska to get Tavros into the game, leading to this exchange…

CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN HATE HIM, IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. CG: IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD PITY HIM. CG: ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PARALYZED HIM. AG: I know. I don't really understand it. AG: It's just a really special kind of h8! It never goes away and it doesn't make a lot of sense. CG: THIS IS KIND OF A WEIRD TIME TO BE CONFIDING IN ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS OF BLACK ROMANCE BUT OK. AG: Oh god, what? CG: I MEAN IF YOU'RE REALLY IMPLYING TAVROS IS YOUR KISMESIS I THINK YOU'RE BRAYING UP THE WRONG FROND NUB. CG: BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO HATE EACH OTHER EQUALLY, I MEAN LIKE TRUE HATE. CG: MAYBE YOUR FEELINGS COME SOMEWHAT CLOSE TO FITTING THE BILL BUT I DON'T THINK HE CAN HATE ANYONE, IT'S WEIRD, HE'S KIND OF BROKEN IN THE HEAD.

Finally, our long-awaited introduction to troll romance!

And the introduction is an effective one. We now know that there’s something called ‘black romance’, that it concerns hate, and that one’s black-romantic partner is a ‘kismesis’. The conversation also flows naturally and fits the characters having it, rather than being an awkward as-you-know infodump, although brace yourselves, there’s one of those coming up. Thirteen is about right for kids starting to have romantic feelings and being confused about it, not wanting to talk about it is pretty normal, and Karkat lecturing people at a good opportunity is absolutely in character.

Karkat goes on to lecture Vriska about the emotions involved in different sorts of romantic relationships, and wow, it really says a lot about troll culture…

CG: OK, MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HAD THEIR LOBE STEM CAUTERIZED ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING THE TWO PRIMARY EMOTIONS, HATE AND PITY. CG: PITY IS OF COURSE JUST THE TONED DOWN VERSION OF THE CENTRAL EMOTION, HATE. CG: AND ALL THE NUANCES OF PITY MANIFEST AS VARIOUS OTHER KINDS OF FEELINGS LIKE WHATEVER CHEMICAL REACTIONS TRIGGER MATING FONDNESS OR THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT ARE BEHIND MOIRALLEGIANCE.

CHEL: It’s never really clear if this is just Karkat’s idea of it or if this is how trolls actually work biologically. Trolls do use the word “love” later on, so I always interpreted it as “pity” being a euphemistic term because “love” in such a warlike and oppressive culture could be exploited as a weakness. Fandom has played it with their love actually being based on a weird form of sympathy/seeing the other as needing protection, which is also plausible.

FAILURE ARTIST: I have played with the pity thing before but in retrospect Karkat is the only one who seems to see it that way. Maybe this is all his fake deep teenager view of romance.

BRIGHT: Vriska makes a performance of how bored she is, but Karkat’s on a roll.

CG: A WELL BALANCED PERSON IS IS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DISTRIBUTION BETWEEN HATE AND THE VARIOUS PITY HUMORS. CG: HAVING A GOOD BALANCE KEEPS ALL THE EMOTIONS SHARPER, SEE I THINK THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. AG: Oh???????? AG: I hope you know I already wore out some good note-taking pens today. All the pens. AG: All of them. CG: SEE, MY HATE IS LIKE A FINELY TUNED INSTRUMENT BECAUSE I'M AWARE OF THESE PRINCIPLES. CG: I COULD HATE A HOLE IN PARADOX SPACE ITSELF, STRAIGHT THROUGH TO A NEW REALITY FRESH FOR THE HATING. AG: Hahahahahahahaha, you don't even know how much I'm laughing at this. CG: BUT SEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY ON THE HATE SIDE, OR AT LEAST YOU PRETEND TO BE WHICH IS MAYBE WORSE. AG: You aren't reading anything I say are you? You just want to talk and talk and talk. CG: AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HATING UP EVERYONE HARD WHEN YOU'RE REALLY JUST BURNING OUT THAT ENTIRE EMOTIONAL HEMISPHERE. CG: IT'S LIKE LUKEWARM HATE. PRETENDER'S HATE, WITH NO COUNTERPOINT AT ALL. CG: AS SUCH THERE'S NO REAL SUBSTANCE TO YOUR HATE, IT'S LIKE A CARDBOARD MOVIE PROP. CG: WHICH IS WHY YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, KIND OF LIKE TAVROS'S BUT ON THE OPPOSITE HEMISPHERE I GUESS. CG: OR MAYBE YOUR BROKEN BRAIN LED TO THE IMBALANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE, I DON'T KNOW. CG: WHATEVER THE CASE IS, YOU'RE KIND OF EMOTIONALLY SCREWED, SORRY TO SAY. CG: YOUR HATE'S TOO DULL FOR A PROPER KISMESIS, IN MY OPINION. CG: AND I DON'T SEE ANYONE CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL HONESTLY, UNLESS THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WOULD ACTUALLY BOTHER PITYING YOU. CG: AND LANDING A MATESPRIT? HAHAHAHA! CG: SERIOUSLY, LIKE THAT WOULD EVEN INTEREST YOU. CG: BASICALLY ANY FEATURE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL PROFILE THAT USUALLY MAKES SOMEONE VIABLE IN THE REDROM DEPARTMENT MUST BE TOTALLY FRIED. CG: YOUR BLACKROM POTENTIAL'S PROBABLY TOAST TOO.

Whew.

So now we have ‘kismesis’, ‘moirail’, and ‘matesprit’ as terms for romantic partners, as well as the concepts of black romance, red romance, and ‘moirallegiance’ as the relationship one has with a moirail. Troll romance is not going to get any less confusing for a while.

If Karkat’s grasp of psychology strikes you as amateurish, there’s a reason for that: He gets all his knowledge from romance movies.

AG: Hey asshole, stop watching movies for girls.

I think that’s another strike against the ‘girls are the dangerous ones on Alternia’ argument. Romance movies, per this exchange, are both female-coded and seen as inferior -- Karkat defends his viewing choices by saying they’re INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY, but Vriska isn’t buying it.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 42 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 33

CHEL: I’m not sure an interest in the workings of romance should be a socially gendered thing in a society where, as it turns out, you have to have an acceptable romantic partner by a certain time or die. You’d think most kids would be trying as hard as they could to learn and put into practice everything they could about it, and you’d also think there’d be better information for them than romcoms.

BRIGHT: Has the mate-or-die part come up yet? I’m not sure when Hussie thought of it.

CHEL: I don’t know if he’d thought of it yet, but it does come up very soon.

BRIGHT: Karkat then moves on to the original reason he contacted Vriska -- he needs her and her mind powers in the game, because he’s just run into a double agent called Jack.

Over on the next panel, Karkat is still talking to Vriska, but he’s glancing back over his shoulder at Jack Noir. His hand is covered in blood, which keeps cycling through a range of colours. The blood, it transpires, is because Jack stabbed him. Karkat is amazingly calm about this.

CG: HE'S COOL, IT'S FINE I DON'T REALLY MIND THE STABBING, IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING. CG: WELL OK I'M PRETTY SURE HE MEANT TO STAB ME. CG: BUT I KIND OF THINK THAT'S LIKE CG: THE WAY HE GREETS PEOPLE? AG: This game is so stupid. CG: IN ANY CASE I THINK HE'S PROBABLY ALL STABBED OUT.

This would be ridiculously chill even from someone who isn’t extremely cagey about his blood colour -- and it’s not that Karkat suddenly doesn’t care any more, because as soon as Vriska says she’ll ask Terezi or Jack what colour he’s bleeding, he tells her that he’s out of Terezi’s range, Jack is sworn to secrecy, and Sollux (who’s incommunicado) is the only one who knows how to make Trollian’s viewport feature work. (Given we saw how easy it is to use earlier, I’m surprised Vriska doesn’t try to figure it out herself.)

Over on the next panel, the viewer is now Jack, a few minutes prior to this conversation. Contrary to Karkat’s protestations, Jack stabs him because He's got a pretty sharp tongue and can't seem to keep it sheathed. He is curious when Karkat cares less about the wound and more about Jack seeing his blood colour, which is apparently some freakish mutation. Jack looks at his knife…

CHEL: While it’s not a realistic depiction of the colour, recall that this is the shade of red used in-comic to depict human blood. This reveal probably isn’t a surprise to anyone by now, if you’ve encountered fanart, and honestly it wasn’t a huge mindblowing revelation on my first read before I knew, but I do think it’s a clever little “aha, THAT’S why!” moment. Skilfully done.

It seems he's the only one of his kind with this mutant candy-red blood. An outcast. He thinks he was put on this planet covered in an ocean of his own blood to be taunted. Punished for something. Saddest story you ever heard. Got to do something to shut him up.

BRIGHT: Awww. That’s kind of sweet.

This little interchange gave rise to the ‘Stabdads’ fandom phenomenon, where Spades Slick is envisaged as Karkat’s father-figure. In Homestuck canon, it’s dubious how much affection Slick has for Karkat. He seems more irritated by him than anything else, but that’s about on par for how he treats the rest of the Midnight Crew. On the other hand, it clearly makes a massive impact on Karkat. We’ve seen how important blood colour is on Alternia and how insecure he is about his own; his sudden rush of fellow-feeling towards Jack is understandable, even if it does make him way too forgiving about having been stabbed.

CHEL: Karkat and Jack shake hands, and proceed to be in cahoots. Cahoooooooots. Doodling on the defaced parking ticket from earlier, they draft OPERATION REGISURP.

Your whole team executes the plan along the course of its journey, employing espionage, mind control tactics, political sabotage, vicious interrogations and cold blooded assassinations. Everyone does their part and you begin to learn the true meaning of teamwork, as well as this troll disease called friendship.

Yeah, it actually happening is skipped over with one paragraph, but that’s probably a good thing with all the complexity already going on, and we do hear more details about it. First, we’re reminded of the existence and functions of the Queens’ Rings, the magic rings the queens of Derse and Prospit have which give them traits and powers from whatever the players put in their sprites. The trolls have put their lusii in their sprites, except for Aradia, whose lusus died long ago, so she got in the sprite herself. The Queen could put up with getting bits and pieces from eleven hideous monsters (well, ten hideous monsters and one adowable little fairybull thing oh my gosh it’s cuuuute) tacked onto her, but what she absolutely won’t stand for is the other thing Aradia put in her sprite…

She could not stand bearing the visage of the most loathsome creature known to existence. So vile is its appearance, so contemptible its purpose, all depictions of the creature let alone members of its population are permanently banned from any jurisdiction in the reach of her agents. Those of its kind go by many names, and so does the reviled patron god they herald - THE GREAT DETESTATION, KING PONDSQUATTER, SPEAKER OF THE VAST JOKE, or most commonly, BILIOUS SLICK.

Recall that AR thought of the hieroglyphs in the Frog Temple as “illegal pictography”. We’ll find out later why the Black Queen has such a revulsion for frogs, it’s important. But the important part right now is that she took the ring off. At the time of planning it’s in the ROYAL VAULT.

We briefly see a moment in the future of the Black Queen wrapped in rags, just like the human sessions’ White Queen, wandering the desert as the BANISHED QUASIROYAL, and the caption notes the plan was a success.

However, Doc Scratch appears in the desert in front of her, and it’s noted she was given a new purpose. This, it seems, is the origin of Snowman.

FAILURE ARTIST: I would like if there was some canon Homestuck material expanding on this REGISURP plot.

BRIGHT: Same! It sounds really interesting. One example of Homestuck’s idiosyncratic pacing, I suppose -- we spend pages and pages on trivial alchimeter nonsense, but skip over something more meaty.

CHEL: The Red Team work on that, while the Blue Team battle their own session… or so they think. Yeah, I’m sure you’ve all already figured it out, but the trolls hadn’t just yet. They note that their prototypes are affecting the opposite team’s underlings, and the readers are shown Alternia’s two Frog Temples, one near Aradia’s home and the other near Kanaya’s, each with six pillars outside (one seems to have five, but the sixth is hidden behind the building). Superimposed on each other, the pillars make a full ring of twelve.

The truth was it had always been the same session all along. That your teams were not competing, but cooperating toward a common goal. In the more drawn out form of this adventure's narrative, figuring this out would have been a huge deal. We would have been completely blown away by this stunning revelation. Wow. Same session all along. Really? Huh.

This is what Aradia’s been so mysterious about. She knew. We’re provided with a handy diagram, in case we haven’t been able to keep up.

After watching the phrases MOBIUS DOUBLE and REACH AROUND toggle for a few minutes while in a sort of stupor, you finally snap out of it.

(I just noticed, the Blue Team are the Derse dreamers and the Red Team are the Prospit dreamers. Neat!)

The reader’s attention is drawn instead to the Aquarius and Pisces symbols in the top left, belonging to characters we haven’t met yet, and the narration promises we’ll learn about them soon. Drawing attention again to GA’s Virgo symbol, the narration muses about her.

It will probably be quite some time before you get to be her. It could very well be pages and pages and pages.

Naturally, we jump right back to her.

GA’s intro is long, so we’ll take it piece by piece.

Your name is KANAYA MARYAM.

The Sanskrit name for Virgo is “Kanya”, and it’s also the name of a town in Japan. “Maryam” is the Arabic version of “Mary”, as in Jesus’ mother. It may also be a reference to Marya Zaleska, the title character of the movie “Dracula’s Daughter”.

You are one of the few of your kind who can withstand the BLISTERING ALTERNIAN SUN, and perhaps the only who enjoys the feel of its rays. As such, you are one of the few of your kind who has taken a shining to LANDSCAPING. You have cultivated a lush oasis around your hive, and in particular, you have honed your craft through the art of TOPIARY, sculpting your trees to match the PUFFY ORACLES from your dreams. You have embraced the tool of this trade, which conveniently is the weapon of choice for those who would hunt the HEINOUS BROODS OF THE UNDEAD which crawl from the sand at sunrise to feast on the light and the living.

Couple things established here; trolls are not only nocturnal but actively harmed by their planet’s sun, and undead beings other than ghosts exist. Said traditional weapon for hunting them is a chainsaw, which we can see lying against her bookshelf, a reference to the Evil Dead movies.

It would be convenient if you actually hunted them, but it is of course far too dangerous, every bit as suicidal as attempting to poach the terrible MUSCLEBEASTS who roam at night. So you indulge in your bright fascination with the grim through literature. Just before the sun goes down and you join your flora in rest, you immerse yourself in tales of RAINBOW DRINKERS and SHADOW DROPPERS and FORBIDDEN PASSION.

Rainbow drinkers are, as discussed later on, troll vampires. I don’t think shadow droppers are ever expanded on, but they might be zombies or werebeasts. Troll goths, apparently, are the reverse of human goths, dressing in bright colours and staying up in the daytime, which makes sense for a species who can only safely go out at night.

You are one of the few of your kind with JADE GREEN BLOOD. As such you are one of the few who could be selected and raised by a VIRGIN MOTHER GRUB, an event so rare as to elude documented precedent. She would defend you from desert threats, and though her life would be short, in time you would assure her of progeny.

Recall that the Mother Grub is required for troll reproduction.

You are a SEAMSTRESS or a RAGRIPPER or a TREETRIMMER or a LUMBERJACK, whichever you care to be, and your unique hive is equipped with a great supply of advanced technology to accommodate your interests. The technology and indeed the hive itself were all recovered from the ruins nearby when you were very young. The seed of your hive was deployed on the volcanic rocks beneath the sand with the assistance of your lusus and her remarkable burrowing skills, and you have lived there happily together since. You know the ruins and the hive and everything here that is not sand and rock originated from the world of your dreams. You also know that one day you will visit this world while you are awake. That day is today.

Like Jade, Kanaya has been awake on Prospit for years, and the technology in question is Skaian in origin, so that’s how she knows what’s going on with the game.

Kanaya is prompted to equip her chainsaw, which promptly turns into a lipstick in a Problem Sleuth reference. Like Jade, she has a Wardrobifier, set to randomise, which suddenly turns her black shirt and red skirt into a red leaf-print dress. She takes out the lipstick.

You can choose between your trademark jade or black. Even though a troll's lips are naturally black. But they can always be blacker, and a lady with a true sense of style knows this.

She goes with green, her dress turns into a blue kimono, and she’s messaged by someone with a fuschia Pisces symbol. This person, named cuttlefishCuller, turns out to be rather excitable, greeting her in all caps and following it up with Glub glub glub glub glub!

BRIGHT: This conversation is pretty sweet, with some friendly joking about CC’s quirk (they stick hyphens in front of their capital Es) and mention of their Collapsing And Expanding Bladder Based Aquatic Vascular System. There’s another mention of moirails, with CC saying they’ll have to join the game late to keep an eye on theirs.

It also turns out both CC and Kanaya are having some premonitions of what’s to come! Kanaya is seeing visions in the clouds of Skaia, the same way Jade does, but CC hears whispers from a mysterious ‘she’ who needs her voice keeping down. It’s implied to be CC’s lusus, as both Kanaya and CC are aware their lusii are going to die soon.

Kanaya hopes to be with her lusus as she dies, but looks out of the window to find the Virgin Mother Grub has already passed away, apparently of natural causes.

CHEL: The Mother Grub was seen briefly before; it’s a moth-like creature with a huge fat body the size of a bus, with wings too small to ever lift it, horns the same shape as Kanaya’s, and a skull-like head with big lips. The skull on Terezi’s Doomsday Scale was, we can tell now, a Mother Grub, except quite a lot bigger - presumably a breeding Grub.

BRIGHT: Kanaya changes back into her original outfit, and goes down to live up to her end of the bargain… which entails slicing a hole in her lusus with her chainsaw and pulling out a round object covered in spikes the colour of trolls’ horns, called a Matriorb. Kanaya stores it in her sylladex; she’s using a CHASTITY MODUS, which locks each card away, and the key will serendipitously be discovered when it’s time for the card to be unlocked. These modii are getting more and more esoteric.

Kanaya proceeds to have a conversation with her own moirail, Vriska, which we already read earlier.

You then proceed to have the rest of this conversation we already read, bugging and fussing and meddling through the special and magical union one can only describe as being in moirallegiance with another. At least, you guess that's how you would describe it. Maybe. Troll romance sure is confusing!

Yes, yes it is. (Spoiler: It’s not that confusing once it’s explained.)

Kanaya doesn’t have long to dwell on the conversation, as she’s contacted by caligulasAquarium, someone with a violet Aquarius symbol who she doesn’t seem to think highly of. It rapidly becomes apparent why.

CA: kan make her talk to me do somethin GA: Who CA: your no good connivvin fuckin backstabbin girl crush thats wwho

CHEL: Trolls are supposed to come bi/pan as standard, so why does he need to specify “girl crush”? I wonder if Hussie hadn’t decided that yet when he wrote this part, but I’m not sure.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 34

CA’s gender hasn’t been revealed, but let’s not kid ourselves, we know from how he’s talking that he’s a dude. Nice Girls certainly exist but they don’t tend to get portrayed as so whiny in fiction, plus CC comes off as very girly, and that leaves us with six boy and six girl trolls. Balance and opposites and counterparts are a running theme throughout Homestuck. Not that there can’t be nonbinary characters, as some show up in Hiveswap; just that there would most likely have to be an even number of them, split evenly between the groups of players. Fine by me as a nonbinary person with a thing for balance and even numbers of my own.

Also, note that we’ve seen this guy, or at least his hand and foot, before. This is the litter-hater in the bowling shoes.

GA: Overstating Our Relationship Wont Make Me Feel Very Cooperative GA: Its Paler Red Than That Ok CA: pshhhhhh that is a fuckin laugh and you knoww it evveryone does CA: so help me out tell her to talk to me i think she blocked me you got to GA: Why Do I Got To GA: I Dont Got To And Every Time You Take My Help For Granted I Feel Like I Got To A Little Less CA: wwhatEVVER you are so the vvillage twwo wwheel devvice wwhen it comes to auspisticing CA: you cant let a grudge go by you wwont stick your busy stem betwwixt so get wwith the program fussyfangs

BRIGHT: Oh hey, another troll romance term! ‘Auspisticing’ is the last of the lot, don’t worry.

CA: wwho givves a shit wwhy she blocked me or about my fuckin manners come on youvve got a wway wwith her CA: i figure if youre going to auspisticize any twwo brinesuckers wwho sneer at each other a funny wway you might as wwell make it official and be ours right GA: Your Black Solicitation Just Seems Really Indecent

Funny words aside, Hussie does a good job at laying down context for what auspisticism is here; we now know that it involves mediating between two parties who dislike each other and that it’s a form of black romance. Meshing worldbuilding naturally into the dialogue is something Homestuck does really well at times.

Anyway, CA is trying to get in contact with Vriska because he asked her to make something for him and now she’s blowing him off.

GA: What Is It CA: kan stupid wwhat do you think its a fuckin gizmo to bloww up the wworld or somethin CA: ok wwell not that obvviously CA: but somethin thatll kill all land dwwellers wwhat else wwould i be after GA: Can You Just For A Moment Entertain The Thoughts Of One Untouched By Megalomaniacal Derangement And Tell Me Why Id Want To Assist You With That CA: wwell CA: im not goin to vvery wwell kill you am i that wwould be fuckin unconscionable CA: wwhat kind of friend wwould i be

While CA is obviously a douche, there’s something funny about how over-the-top he is about it and how utterly oblivious he is to the idea that Kanaya might have a problem with a device that would kill all landdwellers, although the humour is inversely proportionate to how likely he is to pull it off.

CHEL: Maybe I’m strange, but I think he’s adorable. I get the impression of a small kid trying to puff himself up to adult size.

BRIGHT: There’s also more romance talk, and this next bit is one I find interesting:

CA: you could either play along as our auspistice and do a little mediating like you wwere fuckin hatched to CA: or wwatch she and me devvolvve into fuckin full fledged kismesisses the kind like you dont get once in ten thousand swweeps CA: you knoww thats wwhat it wwould be there wwould be rainboww rivvers runnin through star systems and all nebulizin like liquid firewworks CA: it wwill be beautiful and heartbreaking all at once CA: you should read up on your history instead of poring through that godawwfull sunny rubbish

I’m going to take a step back from Homestuck itself for a moment and talk about kismessitude as it’s portrayed in fandom. People tend to envision it in a variety of ways -- some see it as a BDSM relationship, some as a way of pushing a rival to be better, some as just straight-up hate-sex -- but most depictions show it as something that only affects the two people involved.

Here, though? CA’s talking about kismessitude as something that’s potentially really damn dangerous, to other people besides those involved, and cites history as a backup -- implying it can really be that dangerous, and it’s not just a teenager’s flight of fancy. (Although, that said, CA is clearly using this to try and get Kanaya in a relationship with him, so how sincere he is is questionable.)

CHEL: Later on we do see a little bit of one of the historical cases he might have been citing. We’ll discuss it more then. Also, I do like him saying “sunny” instead of “gloomy”. Makes sense!

Kanaya tells CA none of this matters, and he sneers about the “purity of the bloodline”. That’s an… uncomfortable turn of phrase, especially since he’s speaking to someone not covered by the “purity” standard, but since it applies to aliens and it’s in a society where that’s hammered into its inhabitants it’s not a Problematykks issue. Kanaya tells him it still won’t matter because their race will be wiped out entirely, and his reaction is remarkably understated:

CA: huh CA: wwell ok HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 11

CA says he knows Kanaya doesn’t lie except to herself, surprisingly perceptive for one so puffed-up otherwise. CA might be smarter than he’s letting on? He asks if her clouds told her that; that was the reader’s assumption too, but she says no, she has a different source. Uh-oh. We know what the last source of information was, and it cost Vriska an arm and an eye-sevenfold. CA’s own clouds “hide nothin but misfortune and monstrosities”, so we can guess she’s Prospit and he’s Derse. He goes back to nagging her to tell Vriska to talk to him, and when she continues to refuse he poutily steps off.

CA: you dont wwant to be our auspistice cause you dont wwant to get locked into that sort of relation wwith her i can respect that

Kanaya denies this, and CA says everyone knows, including Karkat.

GA: Its Unbelievable GA: Her Patience CA: wwhat CA: wwhoa wwait wwho GA: Never Mind CA: ok wwait did she talk to you today CA: wwhat did she say CA: or glub or wwhatevver

They’re talking about CC, if it wasn’t clear. Kanaya, in a callback to John’s comment to Terezi, facetiously tells him that she talked about Longing To Touch You Indiscretely and That Shes Basically In The Scarlet Throes For You. CA, flustered, picks up that she’s teasing him, and she tells him the truth, that CC’s just concerned as a moirail.

CA: if youre not savvvvy about howw you define yourself to people CA: you can just splash into the moirail zone before you knoww wwhich wways upwward

I’m going to comment on this attitude in a bit more detail when we get a clearer explanation of what moirallegiance actually is. CA leaves her with some arc words.

CA: being a kid and growwing up CA: its hard and nobody understands

Kanaya heads back to her room, planning to emphatically not meddle but help her friends, and consults her source; it’s fortunately not a Doc Scratch-related one at all. It is, in fact, Rose’s long-forgotten GameFAQ, saved on a server floating in the Furthest Ring, to which Prospit’s clouds directed her. I have to show you the panel for a moment though…

I’m sure there was a way we could see the screen without having it facing away from Kanaya who’s supposed to be reading it.

You can only assume this took place a long time ago. This race is likely ancient, preceding yours by millions of sweeps. Maybe billions! You like to try to imagine the adventures of these players. Were they successful in repopulating their race? Did they manage to protect their matriorb and hatch a new mother grub? Could they hold it together, or were they torn apart by the complex social dynamics, the matespritships and moirallegiences and auspisticisms and kismesissitudes that will surely plague your group along the way? You have little doubt they succeeded with flying colors.

Oh dear, dramatic irony. Kanaya fantasises about a troll version of Rose, thinking she must have been the leader of this supposedly long-ago group.

And yet they appear to have been the only of their kind to have risen to the challenge in a session stacked heavily against them.

Huh. So is this just because Kanaya can’t find more information, or are the four kids in fact the only humans who successfully got into the game? Picking four specifically white-coded kids to be the last of the human race due to supposedly their own competence is… not a good choice. And why the hell couldn’t other people succeed? This strikes me as more of the whole theme of “nobody matters except the people we’re focusing on”. A good lampshading of video game tropes, but in a literary story, that’s the opposite message to everything I’ve ever read, and it’s a creepy one.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 43 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 12 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 35

BRIGHT: I thiiiiiiiink it’s at least implied later on that there are other sessions going, it’s just that each session is a closed loop of players so we don’t see the others...although if that’s the case, does that mean Earth’s getting hit with meteors from multiple Skaias?

CHEL: That over with for the moment, we cut to Tavros’ house as you take your place as the PAGE OF BREATH in the LAND OF SAND AND ZEPHYR. Vriska, his server player, gets down to the business of building up his house towards the Gate…

… entirely out of staircases.

AT: i THINK THIS, iS, AT: pROBABLY MEANT TO ANTAGONIZE ME,

Okay, this probably makes me a bad person, but I’m crying with laughter at his expression and that line.

It’s more disability slapstick, but here the point of the joke comes off as being more that Vriska is a jerk and Tavros’ reaction is really understated than any reasonable person being supposed to assume Tavros is wrong for not being able to climb stairs. Emphasis on “comes off as”, unfortunately. I’m still gonna give a Problematykks point, and further experience with Hussie’s attitude to disability has soured the joke somewhat, even in just the next couple of pages.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 44

BRIGHT: Vriska tries to get Tavros to crawl up the stairs, first by telling him that he promised not to be boring anymore and then by saying that she’s trying to help him get stronger. She caps off the rant by demanding that he apologise.

AT: oKAY, AT: tHANKS, i GUESS, AT: bUT, AT: sORRY FOR WHAT, AG: For 8eing crippled, you ass! AT: yOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE, AT: fOR BEING PARALYZED, AG: Yes. AG: Say you're sorry. AT: i DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, oR bORING, AT: bUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS, gIVEN, AT: uH, tHE CIRCUMSTANCES, AG: 8ullshit! AG: It's something called 8asic decency and civility you fudge8looded 8oor. AG: Now get down on your useless wo88ly knees and apologize. AT: nO, i DON'T WANT TO, AG: >::::O

Vriska, what the fuck.

Tavros is really great here. He’s obviously not comfortable fighting with Vriska, and repeatedly tries to redirect her into building him ramps instead of engaging. But, at the same time, he holds his ground and doesn’t let her push him around, and won’t let go of solid hard reality in the face of Vriska trying to emotionally manipulate him.

FAILURE ARTIST: And yet people still call him a wimp.

BRIGHT: Vriska retaliates, because of course she does, by grabbing his wheelchair with her cursor and shaking it about. If Hussie left it at that, everything would be unobjectionable, at least in terms of narrative voice. Instead, well…

Now she's done it. She has awoken the mighty inner fury that is... RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

CHEL: It just occurred to me to mention that the name Rufio comes from a character in the movie Hook, the leader of the Lost Boys after Peter Pan left, played by Dante Basco. Tavros’ mental image of him is a reference to that character.

FAILURE ARTIST: Dante Basco did read Homestuck, with hilarious results as we will see.

But unfortunately, Rufio is not real. He's imaginary. A fake. Like a made up friend, the way fairies are. You continue to be sad and alone.

BRIGHT: Eurgh.

Let me be clear: Tavros having no further recourse to deal with Vriska’s abuse beyond his visualised self-esteem is a problem for the character, but it’s not necessarily a narrative problem per se. Escapism is a thing. You could get a decent character arc out of Tavros learning better ways to deal with harassment he can’t escape. It is a narrative problem when the narrator mocks it and makes him out to be pathetic for even trying it.

CHEL: I’d consider this to be just Tavros’ own thought process, but, sadly, this kind of narrative sneering at him carries on throughout Tavros’ presence in the comic and the fandom seems to buy into it. Tavros gets a lot of hate for reasons which mostly boil down to him being a male abuse victim; there’s a feeling that he should “try harder” to fight back, despite him being physically disabled and a member of a caste out of sight beneath her on the social ladder and legally permitted to be killed by her on a whim. Might that count as a point for WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM, for Huss and the fandom not taking the social dynamics into account for why Tavros can’t defend himself?

BRIGHT: I don’t know if it’s fair to count against the fandom when we’re reviewing Homestuck proper, but we can definitely count against Hussie!

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 36

CHEL: It’s also notable that the common fandom interpretation of Tavros is as Hispanic-coded, at least partly due to his Spanish username, and of Vriska as white-coded. That’s probably not helping.

Since Hussie appears to expect us to agree with Vriska that this is funny, I’m adding another to these as well.

ALL THE LUCK: 2 CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 45 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 3

BRIGHT: What’s weird about this whole mess is that Hussie doesn’t — yet — try to say that Tavros should be trying to get stronger; his disability is fully acknowledged. I feel like this kind of mockery is usually accompanied by the attitude that disabled people should just get over their disability, but Hussie’s clear that Tavros can’t. Which means he should do...what, exactly?

CHEL: Not have let Vriska disable him in the first place, presumably. Never mind that, you know, she has mind control powers so he didn’t really have a choice in that either. That is, however, an argument Vriska fans actually make. Apparently some of them actually blame him for not flying when she threw him off the cliff, which… well, unpowered flight is a thing that can happen in the comic but he certainly couldn’t do it then.

BRIGHT: ...Apparently I retain the capacity for surprise at how awful people can be. The fuck?

Back in the comic, Tavros fortunately does have one other means of recourse. Back in her hive, Vriska is suddenly prodded in the back with a flying toilet, courtesy of Kanaya.

GA: Just Presenting A Floating Reminder That Tavros Will Need Plenty Of Inclined Surfaces For His Ascent AG: That's silly. I made so many ramps, you wouldn't even 8elieve it. AG: I specifically decided I wanted to 8uild something ugly and 8oring. It is now the land of ramps and yawns. GA: Hes Reported Otherwise AG: That lousy snitch! May8e I should take his computer away so he can't go crying to fussyfangs anymore. GA: Maybe I Should Upend This Load Gaper Over Your Head AG: No, don't! GA: Im Still Learning The Interface GA: It Could Happen Accidentally At Any Moment AG: I'm only trying to help him. ::::( GA: Think Of Another Way To Help

CHEL: Did I mention Kanaya is my zodiac troll? I can only long to reach her heights of awesome. Of course the ability to levitate toilets would kinda help.

BRIGHT: Vriska heads down to her treasure vault and retrieves a pair of ROCKET SHOES. The captchalogue code for these is ‘PSHOOOES’, which amuses me greatly. Vriska sends the code to Tavros, who combines it with the code for his wheelchair to create a flying wheelchair. Now that is a good use of alchemising!

CHEL: Awww!

Tavros flies up to the Gate, and we cut back to him later on, leading an entourage of communed-with imps and ogres to move obstacles and help him solve puzzles. Using his skills well, I see! In another set of ruins the imps load jigsaw pieces of rock into a frog-shaped alcove,

Things, however, don’t continue to go so well, because Hussie hates this poor kid. I do not mean that facetiously. Statements he’s made elsewhere imply he has a hell of a lot of contempt for several of the characters he created, which I don’t understand at all. We’ll go into this after Act 7, but I get the sensation that the characters are merely tools to show off the complexity and meta references, which are the parts he really cares about.

BRIGHT: It’s not unknown for authors to dislike characters they wrote; the great Terry Pratchett reputedly hated his character Rincewind. The key difference is that in Pratchett’s case, the audience couldn’t tell. Hussie, on the other hand, tends to make his disdain pretty obvious, to the detriment of the story.

CHEL: That’s a point. Conan Doyle grew to hate Sherlock Holmes, too. He didn’t, however, set up situations solely to shit on Holmes in his books.

BRIGHT: I think that’s the key. I’ll forgive a multitude of failings as long as the author seems to be treating the characters fairly. That doesn’t mean that good things have to happen to them — plenty of bad things can happen and I’ll enjoy it — it just means that the author has to...respect how the character feels and would behave, I guess.

Of course, respect is Hussie’s antithesis, so.

Also, nothing so far has shown Vriska to be anything other than a (granted, entertaining) bully. I wasn’t around while Homestuck was updating, so I’m not sure when her fandom took off, but it has to be later than this, surely?

CHEL: I don’t know. I wasn’t around till about mid-Act 6.

What was I on about? Oh yes. Tavros is interrupted by Vriska again, who bitches him out for doing things the boring way and seeking the boring lore.

AG: The minds of your consorts are very soft and impressiona8le. AG: As easily manipul8ed as all those imps you've 8een 8ossing around. AG: I have picked apart their tiny little lizard 8rains and seen through all the smoke and mirrors of their riddles. AG: I have gotten to the truth they are guarding. The great 8ig mystery 8ehind this planet. And you know what it is, Tavros? AT: nO, AG: It's 8ullshit! AG: Meaningless, 8oring, fanciful 8ullshit wrapped in flowery poems to keep you guessing. AG: It all leads to one thing anyway, and that's what we should put our attention on. AG: Real gamers cut to the chase. They power through all the nonsense and go for the gold. AG: They cheat, Tavros. AG: It is time you learned to start cheating.

Interesting theory. Tavros thinks befriending his monsters instead of killing them is cheating, and Vriska grudgingly agrees but is annoyed he isn’t killing anything. She claims to have designed a better and more challenging quest for him; he asks after her own quest, and she says she has time because Kanaya’s busy.

AG: Which is just as well 8ecause I was starting to get nannied HARD. WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 37

Strange word choice for a species raised by animals, but okay. Vriska sends Tavros a map to the next Gate, and he sets off in his little rocket chair. Little does he know.

You proceed through what seems to be your second gate, into the LAND OF MAPS AND TREASURE. The THIEF OF LIGHT lies in wait.

In a callback to our last meeting of Breath and Light players, Tavros crashes through Vriska’s wall and is left hanging upside-down in the rocket chair from the large cobwebs across the room, while Vriska sleeps on a pile of broken eight-balls. Doesn’t look comfortable, but trolls rest in worse places later. Vriska wakes, and Tavros falls head-first onto the floor.

Here is where it gets incredibly uncomfortable, and we have to show it in detail to assign points properly and so that there’s no ambiguity about what’s happening, so if you have any sexual assault, ableism, underage, mind control, or victim-blaming triggers you may want to skip this part. No clothing is removed but it’s very unpleasant to read and the attitude toward it is worse. Seriously, this is Taklamakan Zoo levels of bad.

(This heading below’s not part of the comic, I just put it there so you can skip. The sequence ends with the piece of fanart of Kanaya looking at the sideways screen.)

~*THE ASSAULT STARTS HERE*~

Vriska sits up. She’s wearing a very short strappy white Tinkerbell dress with her sign on it, and what look like over-the-knee socks, a commonly fetishised style of clothing. I remind you these characters are supposed to be thirteen years old. The dress is also the same as the one worn by the fairy in the artwork on Tavros’ desktop background. I don’t know if Vriska had seen that or not.

FAILURE ARTIST:

To be fair she’s just in an actually-more-modest version of what Peter Pan’s sidekick/love interest wears and the socks come off as more dorky than sexy.

Oh my! It appears Pupa Pan himself has flown through your window while you were asleep. How exciting! Surely he is here to take you away on the adventure of a lifetime. He is more dreamy and heroic than you ever imagined. But what's this?? It seems the legendary Boy-Skylark has misplaced his shadow. He is looking EVERYWHERE for it, to no avail. He is having a devil of a time, what with being paralyzed from the waist down and all. He clearly needs your help.

CHEL: Vriska is prompted to Help Pupa find shadow, and approaches Tavros with a nasty-looking grin on her face, while he lies on the floor, gritting his teeth in noticeable pain.

Pupa! You truly are a silly goose. Your shadow has been trapped underneath your useless torso the whole time! Honestly, where else would it be you stupid sack of shit?

Charming. Vriska proceeds to kick him in the head, or at least nudge him with her foot, while he lies unresponsive.

Of course, the secret to reuniting with your shadow is to get up and walk around. And play and dance and frolic! Your shadow will surely join in your gaiety. But it appears Pupa has lost the use of his legs. There will be no frolicking in this young man's future. ::::( Unless...

Everyone knows that just a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST along with a happy thought will allow any boy to get up and walk again. Everyone knows this because it is in the classic tale, PUPA PAN. Young Pupa flies through the window of a fairy girl's respiteblock, falls on the floor, and has trouble getting up like an enormous pansy. The fairy girl then helps him walk again, and in return, he teaches her to fly, even though she probably already knows how to fly. Because she's a fairy. They fly out of her window together, and have magical adventures for many sweeps thereafter. To be honest, you hardly know a damn thing about Pupa Pan. But you do not care.

Pupa remains as pathetic and useless as ever.

FAILURE ARTIST: The story just keeps mocking Tavros for being disabled.

CHEL: Not to mention for being interested in fairies. Because how dare a boy have a gender-nonstandard interest, or a young teenager enjoy whimsical escapism from an increasingly horrible and guaranteed-to-be-short life.

WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 39

I might be projecting because the fandom has made me loathe her, but it honestly comes off like Vriska dressed up like this in the first place less to seduce Tavros and more to make sure she thoroughly ruined his favourite thing to hurt him further, especially if the narration is supposed to be things she’s actually saying to him.

The stardust did nothing! Probably because it is just glittery powder with no magical properties whatsoever and is basically bullshit. Because in case it wasn't clear, magic isn't real, and neither are miracles. OR It could just be that Pupa has failed to have a happy thought! Your duty is clear. You will have to MAKE him have happy thoughts. Vriska: Make Pupa have happy thoughts.

He certainly doesn’t seem to be having happy thoughts now. Notice his expression, what we can see of it, looks terrified, he’s trembling, and let’s recall that he’s paralysed from the waist down. Even if he wasn’t, she’s of a far, far higher caste than him, legally permitted to do whatever she wants to him, including killing him if he tries to resist. It’s kind of gone back and forth on, but higher bloods are a few times stated to be a lot stronger than lower bloods, and if they work like humans, they’re in puberty right now, a time at which human girls tend to get taller and stronger sooner than boys. Again, it’s gone back and forth on, but a common interpretation is that female trolls are stronger than male trolls in general and/or have the social power advantage. Let’s also remember that, even if none of those factors apply, Vriska has mind control powers. There is no point here at which Tavros has the advantage, nothing he can use as leverage on her. She can do whatever the hell she wants, and she does.

BRIGHT: We’ve also been explicitly shown that Vriska has little to no respect for anyone else’s autonomy if she finds it inconvenient, and that Tavros is her favourite punching bag, and that his ability to stand up for himself when she gets going is extremely limited.

CHEL: Despite the odds stacked against him, Tavros struggles against the kiss forced on him, and when Vriska pushes him back, doesn’t respond with anything but a look of horror, though she appears to expect him to, as a flickering heart-spade with a question mark over it appears between them. I’m not sure whether that’s supposed to be the thought process of him or her or both.

Vriska hurls him onto the floor with some force...

… and activates her mind control, causing little hearts to light up in Tavros’ eyes.

BRIGHT: Vriska has used her mind-control powers on Tavros before, and when it happened she walked him off a cliff. There is basically no way that her doing it again isn’t going to be a traumatic experience for him, above and beyond the inherent horror of losing control over one’s body.

I’m inclined to think that forcibly altering his emotions is worse, though. Being paralysed was bad enough, but Tavros knows what happened and he knows how he feels about it. Making him fall in love with her is just…on one level, it’s a horrible assault on his autonomy as a person, and on another level, it’s tailor-made to make him doubt himself and believe the encounter was something he wanted.

FAILURE ARTIST: I hadn’t thought that he might now consider the encounter as consensual, which would explain his later reaction.

CHEL: Tavros paws at her legs, making kissy faces, and she looks vaguely concerned. Note the background still depicts wavy blue rays coming off her, showing her power is still active.

Looking defeated, she drops the control and dumps him on the floor again.

I’m not sure what she’s supposed to be thinking in this last panel. Is she feeling guilty? Is she disappointed that he didn’t like her under his own power? Has she just decided he’s too useless to be worth the effort? Any could be true.

BRIGHT: I read that as disappointment that even when he ‘liked’ her, he didn’t act the way she wanted. (And the way Tavros acted is kind of disturbing. ‘Mindlessly pawing at someone’ is not what I’d expect from him if he was legitimately attracted to someone.)

FAILURE ARTIST: The common interpretation these days was she was realizing she wasn’t into boys which okay that’s good for her but she should feel more bad about molesting him.

CHEL: That also makes no sense, because she shows interest in multiple boys later.

I’m also not entirely sure if Vriska had the intention of actually raping Tavros here (in the standard way, I mean, as one could argue that mind control is a form of rape), or just making out with him. The fact that she dressed up in vaguely fetishy clothing isn’t making it look good, though. Yes, she’s very young, but traumatised kids in particular have been known to lash out sexually like that. It’s a way of reasserting personal power, and I imagine it would be more prevalent in a society with no sapient adult supervision. While there are mitigating circumstances involved in their social situation and Vriska not really having ever had a chance to learn better, that doesn’t make this not a horrible thing to do, or not traumatising for Tavros.

BRIGHT: The clothing could potentially be down to Vriska wanting to look ‘adult’ without fully understanding why it looks adult. That does come up sometimes with teens — they want to experiment with clothing because that’s how adults dress, not because they want to look sexy, or they might dress a certain way for dates because that’s the social model they have for How Dates Work.

And if I read it like that, this basically looks like Vriska having the date equivalent of a dolls’ tea party. Which says volumes about how she views Tavros’s autonomy.

CHEL: Good point. Though honestly it would say volumes about same either way!

BRIGHT: I said earlier that Vriska is better than Equius at recognising when other people’s desires conflict with hers, and she is, but that doesn’t mean she respects those differences. She just recognises that they’re there, and overrides them. This is a prime example of Vriska viewing Tavros as something between a chew-toy and a prop. First she kicks him around and terrifies him, then she expects him to be able to get over those emotions at the drop of a hat and respond to her advances — and, moreover, she wants him to respond in a certain way, which Tavros has zero way of knowing. This is the first time she’s shown that sort of interest in him, unless her earlier behaviour was the Alternian equivalent of pigtail-pulling.

...I think maybe that was in fact Alternian pigtail-pulling. Or at least Vriska’s version of pigtail-pulling.

CHEL: That’ll actually make more sense, once we explain what the spade symbol means.

Okay, how many counts does this cover?

ALL THE LUCK: 12 ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 31 CALL CPA PLEASE: 26 CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 55 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 13

It also occurred to me during this sequence to think again about how Karkat contemptuously swears at and hangs up the phone on the injured Tavros. This, at first glance, seems to be very much at odds with the “cranky but caring” impression we’re supposed to have of Karkat… but it fits precisely with Hussie’s opinion of Tavros and how pathetic he is for allowing a much more powerful person to permanently disable him. I know at the moment it looks like I’m not separating the character from the author, but it’ll become clear as we go that that is what he thinks.

IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 14

Why didn’t we start a FUCK YOU, HUSSIE count?

BRIGHT: It would have ended up longer than all the other counts combined.

CHEL: The actual assault is over now, but there’s one more picture of it. The ramifications must continue to be discussed, so tread cautiously. The actual act is over now, though.

Said ramifications come pretty quickly. Kanaya, having dealt with getting herself into the game and prototyped her own lususprite, decides to check on Vriska.

Ideally she has not gotten herself into too much trouble. And ideally the dramatic irony has not gotten so thick you could draw a dotted line on it with a tube of lipstick and cut it in half with a chainsaw.

Of course, she sees the exact moment Vriska kisses Tavros.

(Fanart source has now been deleted, sadly.)

~*THE ASSAULT ENDS HERE*~

Humorous art aside over, let’s watch Kanaya’s reaction in more detail. She angrily looks at a copy of the Tinkerbell dress, which she presumably sent the alchemiter code for rather than the actual item to Vriska, hence why she still has it.

So THAT'S why she had you make this dress for her??? And you just went along with it like a sucker. Argh, you are such an IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Like Karkat, Kanaya is presented as the caring one, the protective one. The “mom friend” of the group. And yet, she looks at this, in which Tavros is clearly frightened and struggling, and her reaction is to be mad that Vriska didn’t want to wear the dress for a date with her. I’m not sure whether this says more about Hussie’s opinion of Tavros or the social system of Alternia or both, but it certainly says a lot.

CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 56 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 13 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 15

BRIGHT: Kanaya has had to corral Vriska on Tavros’s behalf already! Possibly more than once! She has all the information to realise that this is abusive, even leaving aside Tavros’s reaction! Sure, teens can be self-centred, but even so this is egregious.

CHEL: Kanaya’s Grubsprite comforts her and she throws the dress out the window.

Being a kid and growing up. It's hard and nobody understands.

Yes, I’m sure Tavros thinks so too.

Charles: "I know Sir can be prickly, but you have to understand he had a very terrible childhood."

Klaus: "I understand. I'm having a very terrible childhood right now."

-A Series of Unfortunate Events

#homestuck #homestuck review #homestuck meta #homestuck reread #let's read homestuck #Homespork

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heartau · 5 years

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Oooh you went to Neocity right? I’d love to hear descriptions of the boys in the words of a writer 🥰

omg this sounds fun !!! ok before i start this i just wanna say this is from what i personally saw when i saw them live. i was relatively close to the stage, enough to make eye contact and to be waved at, so i’ll do my best!!

taeyong: seeing him in real life was a little surreal because he looks exactly how he does in pictures and videos which is already jarring because he’s already really beautiful through those. he has really big, expressive eyes and the warmest smile; every time he would look at the audience he’d have this small smile that looked like pride. it was really really heartwarming to see. he has such a calming, relaxed and cute aura durings ments but once he started to perform... whew! his head also really big, honestly a lot of their heads were really big in real life which is adorable idjdjddk, but yeah!! i made eye contact with him a number of times and you would think his gaze would be intimidating but it really really wasnt! the only word i can describe the feeling i got from him is motherly :(

johnny: first and foremost, i do not believe that he’s 6’1... that man is gigantic. his proportions are so good, his leg to chest ratio is so... [chef’s kiss]. what you see of him in videos is truly what he is in real life, he’s so goofy and funny and lively and he always encouraged other members to do their thing as well. he’s honestly so hilarious too which makes me sad because it makes me feel like we’d get along really well if i knew him personally ... man i just wanna be his bff. but yeah he’s really tall, like towering over the other members tall; even taller than jungwoo, who was surprisingly tall as well. maybe it’s just me because i’m really short. he also has a small face in real life, but at the same time his features are so expressive that you dont even realize it haha. but yeah he’s just a happy, talented, gentle giant.

jungwoo: if i could describe jungwoo in one word it would be cherub-like. he literally has the softest features ever and he moves so gracefully, he literally glowed on stage and it was kinda shocking really. he was also really tall omg, like i was expecting it anyways since i knew that he’s around 6ft, but like... he’s REALLY tall. he has the SOFTEST, most honey-like voice but he speaks with so much confidence, it’s so so so cute and made me so happy. he also has really fluffy hair, like even from my seat i could see how soft and light his hair was; every movement he made that night just made his hair whip around really easily, like even if it was bleached you really couldn’t tell because his hair didn’t look fried at all. all in all jungwoo was truly angel-like and very graceful.

taeil: oh man taeil is beautiful on screen and through pictures already but in person he glows 100x more. he has really, really pretty skin that made him shine under the spotlight and his jawline is REALLY sharp omg. he’s also really short (which i was expecting... probably still taller than me though) and has a big head hehe. he’s also one of the members that had a really calming, nurturing energy, during the ments he would literally have heart eyes full of pride when he’d look at the audience, it was really really heartwarming. a GOOD butt. also his vocals are so, so, sooo good and very stable - there was one point (i think it was back 2 u(?) i can’t remember anything from that night other than my videos) where he used his headvoice for the highnote and not falsetto and it floored me - i’m a classically trained vocalist so you bet i freaked out in the audience. but yeah, taeil is just really calming and nurturing and REALLY funny too :(

yuta: yuta honestly shocked me because although i knew that he’s baby from interviews and other clips, i was still somehow intimidated by him, but when i saw them live he really stomped on my intimidation. he literally has the most fresh, most positive, most genuinely kind energy i’ve literally ever felt :( he had the biggest smile throughout the night, every time i’d look at him he’d just be grinning from ear to ear. “healing smile” doesn’t even come close to describing how GOOD his smile is in real life. he’s also short, something i really wasn’t expecting, like a good 2nd or 3rd shortest - really really REALLY funny too and a REALLY good dancer, i got some of his freestyle dance on camera and every time i watch it, i’m floored bc he hits every beat on the spot. i made eye contact with him at one point and i remember feeling just so happy and at peace, like... he’s not intimidating at all... he’s just a happy boy :(

mark: ohh mark... i see mark as a childhood friend so when he came out on stage i literally felt tears spring in my eyes. i live in vancouver and saw them in vancouver so i feel like that kinda intensified it a bit more as well. he is SOOOOOO undeniably funny its crazy, throughout the night i’d just be laughing at things he’d say (that were intended to be humourous ofc). his head also really big omg it was kinda jarring, and taller than i expected. his stage presence is so good, everytime they’d perform my eyes would sometimes land on him, literally SO good. honestly, when i walked into that venue i was expecting him to cry which i feared for because when someone cries, then i cry, but he didn’t!! although after the concert ended, when they were saying their goodbyes, they left mark alone to say his own goodbyes and when he was doing so, his voice kinda cracked before he did this bow and his eyes were a little glossy and i got SO SCARED because i didn’t wanna cry rkdndkdndk but yeah :( im proud of mark and you can tell that he holds pride in what he does as well!

donghyuck: MAN... donghyuck literally has the most beautiful skin i’ve ever seen. i know i’ve said this before but he glows, like he literally glows, fullsun is an appropriate nickname for him. he emitted nothing else but cute, happy, mischeviohs energy during ments but once he started performing his vibe changed so drastically it was crazy - especially during wake up and baby don’t like it. there was one part during baby don’t like it when he pressed his forehead against taeil’s and when i tell you how much i lost it because i wasn’t expecting it... oh man. i also see donghyuck as a best friend; i was born a week before he was and our natal charts are exactly the same save for our moons, so seeing him rip it up on stage was so so soo good it made me so proud :( i made eye contact with him somewhere during summer 127?? I WAS SO HAPPY AFTER like it was refreshing omg i sound so silly but im telling the truth iddndkjd he’s also shockingly tall as well, around mark’s height, maybe even taller, and REALLY long legs. like a good 90% of his body was made of leg didjdjdjd but yeah donghyuck is just... he’s really the sun and he was meant to perform.

doyoung: i will start this off by saying; i left that venue as a doyoungzen. doyoung... whew... he also shocked me because through videos and pictures i was NEVER intimidated by him at all, i honestly genuinely always just saw him as cute baby but man oh man. you know when you just KNOW that someone’s rich by the way they hold themselves? that’s doyoung... he’s really regal-like and holds himself really gracefully, like a strict prince type. he intimidated me SO much that night (in the best way possible... sexy intimidation... dont worry) like his energy was just so... intense. i made eye contact with him a number of times and when i tell you how SMALL i felt just from meeting his eyes... my goodness. he has really broad shoulders and a tiny waist, also really tall, small-ish head. his features are REALLY sharp like it’s crazy, i really have no other way to explain it. he also has really pretty hands, nimble-looking fingers. he was really adorable during ments and at one point kept hopping which was so CUTE but even then... man. his energy is just really intense. i ended up making him one of my ults after i left the venue.

jaehyun: deep inhale... so. jaehyun. honestly its kinda silly because i can remember so many details from the other members but i feel like once it comes to jaehyun i’m at a loss of words because of how in SHOCK i was to see him up close bc as you all know he’s my ultimate bias, it was my three years with him a few weeks ago. but gosh... jaehyun... i really can’t see the whole “cold prince” image they give him bc he’s so chill and relaxed? ok wow a few memories are coming to mind now; he has a really big head, which i was expecting because i’ve seen people talk about how big his head is but yeah it’s big but it’s CUTE he’s just a little bobblehead :( i made so much eye contact with him that night too and god like. i got some of those moments on camera and you can see through the videos how i’d just FREEZE every time we jefkenfkd he’s just... really chill, really relaxed, let the other members do their thing, but at the same time really silly and had this aura of confidence which was really nice. a lil shorter than i expected omg but his skin was reeallllyyyy nice and he’s very pale irl omg. he waved at me and my friend at the end of the show and i also got it on video and like... every time i watch it its just so surreal cuz like ... 😭 LIKE WHAT NOW how am i supposed to live the rest of my life now knowing i reached my peak at neocity like .... bruh

all in all these boys are just so talented and have the best stage presence ever, and they’re super SUPER interactive with the fans. beingin the crowd during touch and replay was just so... nice :( it was truly one of the happiest moments in my life and i hope that they come back soon !!! i also hope that the next time i see them, winwin is part of 127 again as well :( and lastly, i also hope that whoever is reading this sees them in the future as well bc u deserve it!!!

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ellsey · 4 years

Text

Agents of Shield Rewatch 5x18 All Roads Lead...

Oh yeah, this all seems good and normal

Poor Talbot’s brain is still on the fritz

“Awww you two are adorable. I ship it, I really do.”

ONE OF US, ONE OF US

Ruby would have been better off writing some Fitzsimmons fic rather than trying to become the Destroyer of Worlds though

She’s right though their embracing was adorable

I feel like Ruby is mimicking what she’s seeing from Fitzsimmons, trying to replicate love. But she’s never actually known love so she can’t.

Elena, you’re doing amazing sweetie

But also, like why didn’t they think to try and calibrate her arms for her super speed??

Phil wants to talk about his feeeeeeeeelings

May does not

We’ve gone from high Deke to annoyingly overconfident Deke hahaha

Well Creel is not having a good time

“Well let’s hope it never happens” Ummm Phil are you talking about going to space or Deke being born??

It could go either way

Poor Deke does not know how to deal with this crush on Daisy because in the Lighthouse he never had the luxury of even having feelings like this

He’s very immature in some things, which is why I kind of don’t mind this crush thing. It’s good for him to learn about feelings and how to deal with them when other people don’t return them.

Although from season 6 it’s looking like he hasn’t learned too much.

Which I’ll complain about another day

“It’s lemons then” DEKE NO HAAAAAHAHA

But also Phil and Mack should have told him no on the lemons

Give Deke a break 2k20

Get that aggression out May

:( Poor Fitz

Haha it seems like Deke and Mack both realize that Phil and May are having personal issues

“Shut up lemons” Haaaaaaaahahahaa omg Mack

So Talbot’s mission was Robin?

Huh

Daisy wants to make Ruby a Shield agent?? Ummmm...ok

I know I like to make-out before I’m about to become a super villain

This does not seem like a fun time

On the upside she has a super cool party trick now

I meant the floating not the imploding your kind of boyfriend’s head in

Jemma and Fitz are having a really rough day man

Meanwhile let’s hear it for Dove Cameron doing an amazing job at having a complete breakdown

Oh dear

Elena does not seem to agree with Daisy’s leadership choices

Whew well I’m glad that Phil and Mack managed Talbot but eeekkkk

Well it’s nice that they’re having a mother-daughter moment I guess

I know Ruby was a kid and had been manipulated and abused but I’m not convinced Elena made the wrong choice

I just don’t think Daisy’s plan would have worked

Well that happened

RIP Ruby though

You deserved better than what you were made to be

But also you killed a lot of people sooo...

And now Hale wants revenge by alien

I don’t know what I expected

So a lot actually happened in this episode, but I got distracted by lemons. As such this episode gets a 50000/10 on the Good Lemon Boy scale because legit. It was hilarious. Daisy gets a 50/10 on the Leadership is Hard scale because it is, and I don’t envy her having to make any of the choices she’s been having to make. And Elena gets my Brave But Controversial Award because she made a tough call that I don’t totally disagree with.

In honor of the lovely Dove Cameron, our song for this episode is “Born Ready” from “Marvel Rising” as performed by...Dove Cameron! She’s a talented lady.

youtube

#aosrewatch #aosrewatchs5 #ruby hale #daisy johnson #leo fiz #jemma simmons #fitzsimmons #phil coulson #melinda may #elena rodriguez #alphonso mackenzie #agent piper #deke shaw #general hale #werner von strucker #glenn talbot

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donghun-s · 4 years

Note

hey, Mel, i've gotta quick question, if that's alright: if I wanted to get into ateez (well, More into ateez, i guess dnsofsdf), where should i start? i know they aren't really your focus group rn, but you seem to know your stuff abt them! - 🌙

i’m gonna preface this by saying that i was at my peak of being an active, invested atiny predebut through around treasure ep3 is kinda where i started drifting off (altho i got a short spike in interest back during treasure ep fin bc that album slaps ok) bc like u said, they’re not my big group that im super heavily focused on rn, but i keep up well enough!

this got very long so the rest is under the cut

so the only like non-music oriented stuff that i’m familiar with is their series on kq’s channel where they trained in america when they were still a predebut group called kq fellaz its a worthwhile watch imo its absolutely still some of my favorite ateez content, its how i found them and fell in love with them (a member named junyoung who is an 01 liner gets added on later in the series but then he ended up not debuting with them anyway for some reason.....which is unfortunate bc when i first watched this series he was my bias.......heartbreak)

ANYWAY EVERYTHING ELSE ON THIS LIST IS GONNA BE MUSIC-RELATED

their pre-debut performance videos are just iconic too especially their growl performance video whew

their pirate king zombie version performance is incredible, which is very fitting bc its october rn

THEY DID A DANCE PRACTICE WHERE THEY ALL WORE SHIRTS WITH ONE OF JONGHO’S SELCAS ON IT AND ITS SO FUNNY WATHCING THEM CLOWN THEIR MAKNAE FOR THREE MINUTES AND THIRTY-ONE SECONDS

they also did a christmas dance practice of pirate king too

this is my favorite pirate king livestage mingi looks so good too akdjsfgs

if u cant tell i adored pirate king era so much but now we’re finally moving on

this my favorite say my name livestage (say my name is also my favorite ateez title track!)

here’s a compilation of lil videos they did of them doing the ‘pushing the shopping cart’ dance move with various objects bc they’re absolute comedians

their relay dance for say my name was kind of iconic

if u havent watched all the mvs then treasure and hala hala full performance mv and hala hala performance video are definitely my favorites (here’s a fun game: try to figure out who is who with the fucking masks and hats on! tip: hongjoong has the mullet)

idk if you’ve heard their entire discography or not but here are the b-sides that i absolutely LOVE: twilight (!!), desire (!!), promise (!!), dancing like butterfly wings, mist (!!), win, precious, and better (this one isnt an official link bc for some reason the only official audio on yt is only available to premium members?? its also on spotify tho)

tysm for allowing me to revisit fond atiny memories 💖💖 hope u enjoy the multitude of s t u f f that i have recommended ❤❤❤

#answered #anonymous #mel talks #ateez

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tigerintokyo · 4 years

Text

IDOLiSH7 Part 1, Ch 4.3 side story

Side Story: A Man Very Much Still Involved

(other parts in the directory)

Translation under the break.

Audience: Kyaaaaaa! TRIGGER!!

Audience: Tenn-kuuuun!

Tenn: Everyone! Thanks for tonight!

Tenn: Ah.... ............ .....Riku is in the audience....

Riku: ............

Tenn: Next up is our new song.....

Riku: Tenn-nii!

Tenn: ..…….

Riku: Tenn-nii, are you happy?

Riku: Are you happy going off on your own and leaving us behind?

Tenn: ...........We have another song for you. Our new song.....

Riku: Don't act like you can't hear me!

Tenn: SECRET NIGHT!

Riku: Tenn-nii! Tenn-nii! Haa....... H-haaa, u....ugh.....

Tenn: Riku......

Audience: Kyaaaaaaaa....! Tenn-kuuuun!

Riku: Hee......ugh......

Tenn: Riku......! ........Somebody, help him! He's having an attack! Somebody help him get out of here!

Audience: Kyaaaaaaaa....! Tenn-kuuuun.....!

Tenn: Help Riku! Don't push him!

Audience: Kyaaaaaaaa....!

Tenn: Somebody....!

Tenn: ........ugh

Tenn: .........what..... ..........a bad dream.......

Tenn: .........where am I? I wanted to get some rest and fell asleep. ......It's cold.....

Tenn: ........I have to go. I have to find a taxi to the venue.

Tenn: The fans are waiting for me.

Ryunosuke: What should we do about this song?

Gaku: It would flow better if you sing Tenn's part in this one, Ryuu.

Ryunosuke: OK. We have to change a lot more than I thought. I have to make sure I remember the lyrics......

Gaku: I'll cover you. Besides, it's not going to be perfect with just the two of us anyway. TRIGGER needs all three members.

Gaku: He would probably complain hearing this, but if someone is missing, it should feel like there's a hole that can't be filled.

Ryunosuke: Haha....... Gaku, this is what I like about you. I think he would appreciate that.

Gaku: I'm glad you like it. But, I'm not sure what he would think about us.....

Ryunosuke: He would appreciate it. Oh, also, did you see the t-shirts this time?

Gaku: Oh, the ones with our faces on them?

Ryunosuke: How about wearing the one with Tenn's face on it for one of the parts? Maybe it would feel like all three of us are dancing together.

Gaku: That's not a bad idea! That cold-blooded kid would be moved while he's lying in the hospital.

Ryunosuke: Right?

Kaoru: Please stop.

Gaku: ......Manager? Why?

Kaoru: TRIGGER's brand is more luxurious than that. A messy, sweaty performance doesn't fit the brand. It'll ruin your image.

Gaku: Tsk...... Ryuu was just making a suggestion.

Kaoru: If you're worried about Tenn, then just send him a RabbiChat. Right now. Come on.

Gaku: I'm not worried about him.

Ryunosuke: Hey, let's all wear the t-shirt with Tenn on it and send him a get well message!

Gaku: I'm not sure about that.....

Ryunosuke: Why?

Gaku: He's going to make fun of us about it for the rest of our lives.

Kaoru: It's fine if you send it in private. But, I gained a little weight recently. I hope I still look OK in a t-shirt.

Ryunosuke: You always look beautiful though, Anesagi-san.

Kaoru: Oh my, thank you. Ryuu, you're a good man.

Kaoru: Gaku isn't as thoughtful though. He's more like his father, cold to any woman who isn't the apple of his eye.

Gaku: .....I'm not like him... Wow, so pretty, so beautiful.

Kaoru: W-what an annoying child.

Kaoru: Fufu. I'm just kidding. Gaku and Ryuu and Tenn are all my stars. I'm proud of all of you. I'm leaving Tenn's parts in your hands, today.

Ryunosuke: Will do!

Gaku: Tsk........ Got it.

Kaoru: Even so, will the fans be alright today? I heard they closed off a lot of streets today. I hope everyone can make it on time.....

Ryunosuke: It would be good if they all can make it here safely. I've been looking forward to seeing the fans tonight.

Gaku: That's right....

Gaku: There was an alert and an evacuation because of hazardous materials.

Gaku: I want to help them forget their worries by having a night with us. We'll have to do our best to make sure they have fun tonight!

Ryunosuke: Yeah!

Tamaki: I have to move now? To where? But if the bomb is moved around, it'll go off, right?

Female detective: Yes. We'll have to move carefully. Just a little so you're a little more shielded off....

Tamaki: This is so scary.....

Female detective: It'll be okay. Like a tightrope walk. It'll be your circus debut.

Tamaki: Haha...... I want to do the ball walk.

Yamato: Why are they moving Tama? Isn't it more dangerous if they move him around too much?

Nagi: It's because he could be sniped. If I were a terrorist, that's what I would try to do. If you shoot him and he falls down, the sensor would be triggered.

Yamato: Then why are you still here?

Nagi: I'm hoping the terrorists will get confused again and think I'm holding the bag with the bomb in it. Yamato, you should go with Tamaki.

Yamato: You're making yourself the bait..... If that's what you're trying to do, I'm staying with you.

Nagi: Why?

Yamato: Because I want to read the manga you're carrying. I need to protect the manga from getting damaged.

Nagi: Yamato, you're not very good at this. Now is the time to be giving me a passionate, heartfelt message .

Yamato: Isn't there a good line you could give me?

Nagi: ………...! Yamato, duck!

(Sound of a gun shot)

Yamato: Ahh....!

Yamato: What was that?! Did they shoot at us?! How did you know it was coming?!

Nagi: There was a laser mark. I know which direction it came from. I'm going after them.

Yamato: Wait! How the hell do you know all this?!

Nagi: I read too much manga!

Yamato: Yeah, I know that!

Suspicious guy with stubble: That guy is running this way.... Shit, he was a decoy.

Suspicious guy with stubble: We're surrounded by cops..... .......We have to get out of here! Where is the bomb?!

(Thud)

Yamato: Ugh........

Suspicious guy with stubble: ......! A bystander running away..... ……….

Yamato: Wait! Please don't kill me....!

Suspicious guy with stubble: Don't yell! .......Should I take him as a hostage.....? ..........hands up! Hands behind your head!

Yamato: Don't kill me! Please, I won't tell anyone.....! ....Please, let me live....

Suspicious guy with stubble: Stay on your feet! Come this way! ........?!

Yamato: ...........Cool down as much as you want!

Suspicious guy with stubble: Agh......!? Tear gas?! My eyes.....!

Yamato: Nagi!

Nagi: HEY!

Suspicious guy with stubble: ...............!

(Pow!)

Suspicious guy with stubble: .........ugh....ahhh.....!

Narration: Meanwhile....

Mitsuki: We bought so many concert goods!

Sogo: We sure did!

Mitsuki: When you wait in line too long, you end up wanting to buy even more!

Sogo: I'll have to make one of those shrines you were telling me about. I'm really excited for the concert now!

Mitsuki: Right?!

Mitsuki & Sogo: ♪~ Ikou~ Wake me up~♪

Suspicious guy with stubble: ..........m-my gun......!

Nagi: Yamato, hold onto the gun! Be careful of the trigger!

Yamato: ........Nagi, behind you....!

Suspicious guy with stubble: Damn you.....!

Nagi: Dear God, please forgive me for the act of blasphemy I am about to commit.

Suspicious guy with stubble: What the hell are you saying..... ......!?

Nagi: 27 Volume Manga Attack to the Face.....!

Suspicious guy with stubble: Gah......!

Yamato: Manga works well as a weapon!

Nagi: Good boys and girls don't try this at home!

Suspicious guy with stubble: ......ugh......ugh.....! ......these fucking brats.....!

Suspicious guy with stubble: I'll kill you.....!

Yamato: Hey, Nagi.....! He's got a knife on him!

Nagi: .......OH....... My brand new manga....... I'm sorry you got hurt.....

Yamato: You can be sad about it later!

Suspicious guy with stubble: Aaaaaahhhh......!

Narration: Meanwhile....

Tenn: .........Ugh....Taxi......

Tenn: .....They're not stopping for me..... They usually always stop here..... ........t-taxi......

Tenn: ............ Maybe I'm too weak to be noticed........

Tenn: Hey....... haa...... I need to have a good performance.... for the fans....

Tenn: ………….

Tenn: TAXI~! Excuse me. I need a lift.

(Gets in)

Taxi driver: Hello! Where are you headed?

Yamato: Nagi, watch out!

Suspicious guy with stubble: Die......!

Nagi: .......... The only person who can attack me from behind is a woman waking up with me.

Suspicious guy with stubble: ........How could you see me?! I was behind you?!

Nagi: I don't like persistent men. Let's get this over with.

Nagi: Farewell.

Suspicious guy with stubble: Fuck.....!

Narration: Meanwhile....

Tamaki: Wow...... I'm surrounded by riot shields. Like I'm some kind of monster....

Female detective: They're here to protect you. You said you were hungry, right? How about some yogurt?

Tamaki: Thanks.

Female detective: Here, say ah.

Tamaki: Ahh.

Female detective:Thank you for trusting us. You guys are something else. I think I want to be your fan now.

Female detective: I'm looking forward to seeing you guys a year from now.

Nagi: Whew....... He finally stopped moving.

Yamato: Ah..... We managed somehow....

Nagi: Yamato, nice acting. I didn't get to see it, but your voice alone was a true performance.

Yamato: Well, I'm good at bluffing.

Nagi: Oh...?

Yamato: Where did you learn how to fight?

Nagi: I practiced fighting because of Kokona.

Yamato: Really.....?

Junior detective: Are you guys okay?!

Yamato: Oh, Mr. Detective. Can you take this old guy for us?

Junior detective: ......! This man..... He's the mastermind behind a terrorist group! A major target!

Junior detective: We've been catching his men around here. Also, the bomb squad arrived to help your friend.

Yamato: That's great.

Nagi: We can head over to the concert with Tamaki! How long will it take to disarm the bomb?

Junior detective: Maybe one or two hours!

Yamato & Nagi: What?!

Junior detective: After that, we'll have to debrief him. It'll be OK! We'll also buy you guys katsudon! [1]

Yamato: .......Hey, hey. Right after you finish disarming Tama's bomb, we have to take off..... Otherwise we won't make it to TRIGGER's concert.

Nagi: .......That's right. We absolutely cannot be late today.

Iori: There's already a lot of people here.

Riku:………….

Iori: Nanase-san?

Riku: Ah......... Yeah. It's a lot of people.

Iori: You've been pretty quiet since we left. Also, you look a little pale.

Riku: It's nothing! I'm fine.....

Iori: ………….

Iori: .........I'm not sure what kind of dream you had last night. As I said, there's no way I could know what it was.

Iori: But, this isn't a dream. This is reality. I have the same dream as you, Nanase-san. That dream is IDOLiSH7.

Iori: I don't know what's going on with you, but how about cheering up a little? Nanase-san.......

Riku: What? Did you say something? Sorry, I'm a little out of it....

Iori: .......Could you at least listen when someone is talking to you.....?

Tsumugi: Riku-san, Iori-san, sorry if I kept you waiting!

Iori: Manager.

Mitsuki: Iori! Riku! We're over here!

Sogo: Thanks for waiting!

Riku: Mitsuki, Sogo-san!

Tsumugi: It's almost time for the doors to open! When we have everyone, let's all go in together!

Mitsuki: OK!

Tsumugi: I'm so excited! For TRIGGER!

Next episode

T/N:

katsudon = deep-fried pork cutlet on rice with egg

Please do not use my translations without my permission.

#i7 #IDOLiSH7 #ainana #my translation

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jumphq · 5 years

Text

A Hand to the Devil? A Gift to the Masses?

I’m thinking that this might be my last post here on Tumblr. I’m not antiTumblr, necessarily…it was a necessity in 2015 to get up and going as quickly as possible. But it has always felt clunky and now that we have other options: our official page, Medium, Patreon…it’s time to consolidate, I think. I feel like this blog has kind of been out in the wilderness a little and maybe it’s time to give it a better home.

Speaking of Patreon, our page launched last Thursday, and while I was very much looking forward to it, I can’t lie: I lost a number of nights of sleep over it. Why?

It’s the oldest way for artists to exist: through the patronage of people that want to support the artists in making new art. This practice allowed tons of artists do what they did for centuries, and happily. But this practice hasn’t really been a part of the modern world until “crowdfunding” became legal. Even then, it is one thing to ask people to help you pay for one thing. It’s another to ask for people to give part of their monthly income to you, not knowing about the thing, but hoping that a thing happens. So, anxiety.

It is thrilling and feels icky at the same time, to ask for people to be your patrons. On the one hand, why shouldn’t you ask? I want to create things, as an artist. I want to create things for a living, as an artist. Why would those two statements need to be separate thoughts?

I was actually taught that they were separate thoughts. If you are a son of two artists, you learn that money isn’t something that is easy to come by. You go to art school, you are encouraged to wear the “starving artist” badge on your sleeve proudly. Artists are special. They are different. Artists are poor.

Again, why? I don’t know. If you’ve never tried to make a living being a full-time artist, you might don’t know this. It’s hard. When I make money as a web developer, it sometimes makes me angry. Why do I make so much more money building a website for a marketing firm, or an app for a company that sells stocks? These jobs aren’t nearly as difficult or interesting to me as writing a song or acting in a play, but they are far more highly valued by society.

I like writing code. I like getting paid to do so. But I don’t like it as much as being on stage. I can (more easily) support my family writing code, and live a comfortable life, but if that’s all I do, I feel unfulfilled. I could build websites by day and act in plays at night, but that is sort of a drag for me because then I’m in two full-time day jobs and am always sort of strung out and exhausted and can’t give my best to any work I do.

This is just me, by the way. I’m just speaking about my experience as an artist. My fellow developers are very fulfilled being full-time coders. Tons of actors here in Chicago love to have day jobs for money and then put on their “Artist Caps” at night. They have the drive and energy to do that. I am not knocking their choices. I’m just a better person, a better artist, when I am single-tasking: getting paid to do one, fulfilling, creative job.

Jump, Little Children never got “famous”. We were successful for a rock band in that we could hit the road and have between 50 and 5000 people come see us when we played, depending on the location. In some cities we were almost a household name and in others very few people had heard of us. We weren’t as business-savvy and easy to swallow as Guster and we weren’t a sexy two-person band like Shovels and Rope. We just didn’t catch on enough, and there is no big clear reason why. We cannot really blame bad management and record label issues. The truth is that tons of amazing bands don’t catch on, don’t make it to Conan, but love writing and playing and do it for as long as they can financially and emotionally stay afloat. It doesn’t matter “why”. We gave it our all, made some good decisions and some bad ones, and were proud that it was our full-time job for as long as it was.

Of course, by “full-time job” standards, we were way below the poverty level our entire career. It’s expensive to run a business, and Jump was our sexy business, which meant that if there was anyone that was going to get a pay cut when times were tough, it wouldn’t be our manager, tour manager, lawyer, or sound guy. Just us. You keep going in the hopes that you’ll eventually be the ones making the most money; that didn’t happen for us and I have no regrets.

It was amazing to finally get paid a living wage when the band was done in 2005. The first time I made a weekly paycheck I couldn’t believe it. Making $30k a year for the first time was like being fabulously wealthy…and this was in my very late 30s. Being comfortable was intoxicating for a while, but not being a creative person for a living kind of left me with a empty feeling in my chest. My journal entries pre-2015 had a theme: ask after ask for the Universe to bring me something that would both be a fulfilling career and support my family at the same time.

Yet when the Universe brought the Jump reunion in 2015 to me, I was the last person in the band that said “yes”. I assumed that the chapter was closed and I was fine with it. The five of us weren’t that close at the time and I had forgotten what it was like to play music with people that knew you as well as Jay, Johnny, Ward and Evan knew me. I knew that saying “yes” was going to open up a lot of baggage that had been packed away, would be a ton of extra work for me personally, was going to be scary and emotional and possibly a big fucking failure.

It has been some of those things, too. But as you’ve gathered from this blog, it has also been incredible–a great creative lump of plaster putty to fill in my unfulfilled chest hole (gross!). Worth the being away from home, worth the pay cuts again, worth the anxieties and fears and insecurities. Lots and lots of sleepless nights. Worth it.

I’m luckier than the members of the band that don’t live on Facebook and Instagram, I’m luckier than those that don’t stay in the lobbies of rock clubs after every show until the venue kicks us all out. I’m luckier, because I can see the direct impact our saying “yes” to JLC in 2015 made on your lives and therefore on my life. You’re very honest about it, and I don’t take it lightly. The music has gotten you through bad times and good and happy moments and sad. The community has not just been a place to put your love of a rock band, but also a place to put your own dreams and hopes and needs. Every band might be required to say “we couldn’t do it without our fans” but I know more than anyone how true that statement is for Jump. I’m lucky.

So, Patreon.

Man, it is hard. I get it. For those of you that are a little taken aback at our choice to try this out in order to keep our creative little rock and roll world afloat, I feel you. Everyone is asking for your money these days. How can people that don’t have 9 to 5 jobs ask you to help pay for their lifestyle? Especially if you like your 9 to 5 job? I do not have an answer, because it feels a little icky and uncomfortable to me, too.

Cards on table: Jump, Little Children has two options in 2019. We can’t afford to do what we did last year and not get paid for the intense amount of work it takes to be a mostly-full-time band: writing, recording, touring, posting, streaming, marketing. We either try this Patreon thing out, or something like it, to see if it will help us be able to spend more time writing music and creating things, or we spend less time on the band and do more lucrative things to keep food on tables. Realistically, we will still have to do other things anyway, but anything helps. The days (and chances) of a big record label swooping in and paying us to write and record songs are over, and even when our big record label did swoop in, we didn’t get a pay raise anyway.

Friday morning I woke up with an idea to record some Irish music with my friend Amanda Kapousouz in time for St. Pat’s. And I felt a freedom to have that thought that I didn’t have before. Sure, I might have done the recording anyway, but knowing that I could at some point make a creative work like that happen and get paid for it was inspiring. I’ve just spent three hours writing this letter to you. Connecting with you has always been my job and always will be, whether I get paid for it or not, but it does take time, time that I could spend coding, I suppose. I’d rather write these love letters to you.

Patronage isn’t about putting a price on your love. We are putting a price on the pride we take in our work, the time we take to agonize over details, the care we put into everything from a melody, to a sentence, a pixel, a shade of hair dye. It’s not your responsibility to feed us. It’s our responsibility to find the means to feed ourselves. We would like to do that by writing songs and producing new content, and we are attempting to find new and creative ways to do so.

It could be a winning solution for everyone. If this works out for us, the goal is to keep writing music and performing. With something like Patreon, we could possibly have a new album next year. Without it, we might have a new album in 2022. That’s not a huge difference. Either way, it’s OK, right?

Support us on Patreon if you can, but if you cannot: please don’t. Please please don’t. If you like this idea and want to support us, but can’t afford to, let us know how we might help you make that work. Is it to change the tier prices? To put more stuff in the lower tiers? What would make it worth it? We need to have all the data at hand.

And if you can’t, please accept that we are still going to be around and not play games with your hearts? We’ll post to the same social media and do the same silly LIVE chats and tour and hopefully write new music. We are here, we love you just as much, so you can let other people pay while you reap the benefits, OK?

Whew. I feel better getting this off my chest…thank you. I’m gonna go record some flute, now, for fun…and profit?

We love you,

Matt “Overshare” Bivins

#patreon #last post?#crowdfunding #creative holes in chests

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winryofresembool · 6 years

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EdWin one-shot: A Food Fight (of sorts)

Summary: Ed and Winry are preparing to move in together a bit before their wedding, but of course things don’t go like planned. (could be canon ‘verse or whatever universe you want!)

A/N: my part of the fic-art trade with @mavistuffz! I was planning to finish this way earlier but sometimes life and writer’s block happens :/ Either way, I really hope you’ll enjoy this! It’s probably not quite what you had in mind, but hey, it’s EdWin, so that’s the main thing, right? :’) Let me know what you think!

Words: 2900+ (hey, at least it’s p long?)

Genre: fluff

Warnings: swearing and some sexual implications, I guess (nothing bad tho)

Ed and Winry had only one month left till their wedding, and that meant a lot needed to be done before the big day. The quests had been invited, dresses and suits bought, the venue and the theme colors chosen (to Ed’s surprise, Winry had even allowed a little bit of black in the decorations because it had been his wish), but that didn’t mean they were anywhere near done.

Perhaps one of the biggest tasks they needed to do before the wedding was moving into their own house. It had been decided they’d move to Rush Valley after returning their honeymoon, which meant their new home needed to be organized before the wedding. That only added pressure for the bride and groom who had been stressed even before the moving.

They had found a nice small place near Garfiel’s, something Winry was happy about despite her teacher’s playful accusations that one day she’d open her own automail shop and steal all his customers. While Winry was dreaming about opening her own shop at some point, she had a secret she had only told Ed so far, a secret that would affect her professional career quite a bit. That’s why she was perfectly happy to work with Garfiel until she was financially stable to start her own business. Ed would still continue doing his research, and he had also received an interesting offer from General Mustang. He had suggested Ed become an alchemy teacher in a nearby university that had been opened recently. The young man had been a bit reluctant, reminding Roy he couldn’t even perform alchemy anymore, but afterwards he had told Winry he might consider it. That way he could spread important information that could help them avoid the misuse of alchemy in the future.

The couple finished carrying the last pieces of furniture (Winry only carrying light clothes boxes because of her condition) and decided to take a breather before starting to organize the smaller objects into their shelves. They had decided to start with the kitchenware because they were planning to spend the night in their new home and cook something for their helpers, Al, Garfiel and Paninya.

“Whew, I thought we’d never get it finished,” Ed swept sweat from his forehead and took a couple of steps back to see the final results of his work.

“Can you believe it? Our first home together,” Winry marveled as she watched the view from the kitchen.

Ed walked right behind her and wrapped his arms around her belly. “Well, technically we have been living together for quite a while now…”

“You know what I mean,” Winry remarked. “This isn’t my granny’s place, this is yours, mine and the baby’s.”

When Winry said the last word, Ed’s hand automatically sought the still non-existent bump and rubbed it lightly through her shirt.

“Do you think she will be angry?” Ed asked worriedly.

“About the baby? She’ll probably say something like ‘you damn kids start way too early these days’ and then congratulate us. I’m pretty sure she and my grandfather weren’t married yet when they had my father…”

“The old hag is something else,” Ed snorted. “Remember what Dominic told us about her?”

“Hey, this is my granny we are talking about! Please have some respect, she let you live under her roof!” Winry reminded him and slapped his hands away from her belly.

“And while there, I also got her granddaughter pregnant,” Ed laughed and earned an elbow on his ribcage.

“Ouch!”

“Sometimes I don’t know what I see in you.” Winry shook her head and turned to stare at her fiancé judgingly.

“That’s too bad because I do recall you promising to give 85 per cent of your life to me.” Ed smirked at her smugly, and she stuck her tongue out at him.

“I might still change my mind about that, Mr. Elric.”

“Nah, you wouldn’t, future Mrs. Elric.”

“Oh, about the name…” Winry seemed to taste the word with her tongue, “how would you feel if I changed my last name to Rockbell-Elric instead?”

“That sounds good to me.” Ed nodded. “I know you are proud to be a Rockbell.”

“I am. But I’m also glad you have your mother’s last name because Rockbell-Hohenheim would be a monster to say.”

“I won’t disagree with you on that. Anyway, should we start organizing the kitchen?” Ed asked. “The others might come any minute now…”

“Sure thing. I’ll carry the dry foods here, you can set them where they belong.”

The work progressed rather peacefully, until…

“What?” Winry yelled suddenly. “The chocolate doesn’t need to be in the ice box! Why would you put it in there anyway? I was planning to eat it soon because the Truth knows I’m in need of something with a lot of sugar and fat right now.”

“Oh, here we go with the cravings…” Ed mumbled under his breath, but unfortunately for him, Winry heard him.

“Excuse you, mister, I would like to see you carry a child for 9 months and see how much chocolate you want to eat!”

“Relax, Winry, I didn’t mean… I was just going to put it in there because it’s hot outside and you really don’t want it to melt, do you?”

“Fine, then… just don’t make that mistake again!”

“I won’t!” Ed promised quickly, knowing it was dangerous to fight with Winry right now.

The couple continued to fill the shelves and closets, but it wasn’t calm for long.

“Did you… did you buy blue cheese even though you know how much I hate it?” Ed nearly screamed when he opened the ice box again. “It’s even grosser than the milk it’s been made of! It has fucking mold on it!”

“Oh, I’m sorry. I try to remember that the next time we go do some grocery shopping. The same way you hopefully remember to not buy pickles! Even the smell of those things makes me throw up, Edward!”

“You never told me that!” he claimed. “Of course I wouldn’t have bought them if I had known!”

It was a half-truth; now that he thought of it, Winry might have mentioned something about pickles earlier, but he hadn’t remembered. If he had, there was no way he would have bought them.

“I most certainly did!” Winry argued. “Do you remember when I got sick the other day after seeing your sandwich? It was because it had pickles on it. And I remember clearly saying: ‘don’t ever eat those again near me’! You just never listen!”

“I do listen! It’s just, when you go ‘don’t do this, don’t do that’ all day, every day, some things are just easy to forget!”

“You know what, Edward? Fuck you. I really really don’t know why I’m gonna have a wedding with you in a month.” “Winry! I’m sor…”

Ed didn’t get to finish his apology before Winry marched out of the room, slamming the door angrily behind her.

“Oh, great,” Ed growled to himself. “I screwed it up again. Just when we were supposed to move in here too…”

Ed didn’t get to fume alone for a long while, because Al and Paninya chose that moment to return from their break.

“Why do you look so murderous? Not that you don’t always look a little bit scary, but isn’t this supposed to be a happy day?” Al asked, raising his eyebrow questioningly.

“If there was a moment when I wished I’d be able to hit myself, that would be now,” Ed stated, making the other two glance at each other with confusion.

“OK?” Al tried to get his brother to elaborate a bit.

“I got her mad again,” Ed said after a while. “And in the worst possible moment too. I know she’s been particularly sensitive lately, yet I couldn’t stop in time…”

“What do you mean when you say she’s been particularly sensitive lately? Is there any specific reason for that?” Paninya had become good at reading other people’s emotions and she could sense Ed was hiding something from her. He turned away from the other two, running his hand through his hair in frustration.

“I… uh… you guys weren’t supposed to know yet… she wanted to tell you herself. Oh man, she’s really gonna kill me when she finds out…”

“Brother? Could you please talk like a normal human being? I don’t understand a word you said.”

“I shouldn’t tell you!” he tried one more time, even though he knew he had already lost this battle.

“Wait a second…” Paninya had a moment of realization. “You said she’s been sensitive lately… she’s been spending a lot of time in the toilet, and… you guys didn’t tell us what you are going to do with that spare room… She’s pregnant, isn’t she?”

“I… Fine… Yes, she is.” Ed stuttered, seeing it was too late to deny it anymore.

“Way to go, guys!” Pan exclaimed and smacked Ed on his shoulder in a friendly manner. “Although, I admit I didn’t think you’d have it in you. Usually you blush when she’s simply in the same room with you. I gotta talk to her as soon as possible! But you, mister,” she pointed at Ed, “You need to talk to her first. I remember hearing something about a stupid argument earlier, and I won’t let you get away with it that easily. Go make it right. That’s what she’d tell me if I was in your situation.”

“I guess you’re right,” Ed sighed. “Why does it have to be so damn hard, though? Hey, Al?” Al hadn’t gotten a chance to say anything yet, he was just standing there, looking dumbfounded.

“You’re having… a baby? I’m… gonna become an uncle?”

“Yes,” Ed said carefully, scared of an explosion even though he should have known Al would never react like that.

“That’s… that’s so amazing, brother! I’m so happy for you!” the younger brother suddenly exclaimed and rushed to hug Ed.

“Take it easy, Al,” he tried to calm him down, although he was secretly very happy and relieved about his reaction. “I can’t breathe!”

When Al finally let go of him, he got an idea.

“Hey, before I go to talk to her… There’s something we could do.”

Ed dragged Al to a grocery store, and when they got to one of Ed’s favorite sections, he asked:

“Which flavor do you think she’d like? Nuts? Salt? Berries? Just regular?”

“Shouldn’t you be the one to know that?” Al asked back. “You’re the one who’s gonna get married to her.”

“Shut up, Al. Oh, look! There are even skeleton shaped ones! These are so cool!”

“Edward,” Al said with a warning tone, “remember that you are buying them for her, not for you. She would not like that.”

“Fine. What would you suggest then?”

“I say you should try to make them special. Something she can’t buy from this store. Hey,” he pointed at one shelf, “there are molds there! Look at this, don’t you think she’d like this?”

After buying the products for preparing the special gift, Ed and Al told Paninya to go and distract Winry while they’d be working in the kitchen. She was still sulking upstairs, and the boys didn’t want her to come down before they were finished with their work. Paninya agreed after hearing the brothers’ plan and climbed the stairs to the bedroom, stopping to knock the door.

“Who is it? Ed, if it’s you, I swear to Truth I’m in no mood to…”

“No, it’s me, Pan.” The dark-haired young woman said calmly.

“I guess come in then,” Winry replied. Paninya wondered if she had heard a bit of disappointment in her voice.

“I heard what happened,” she said. “You know, I don’t usually defend your idiot of a boyfriend, but he really is sorry.”

“If you came here to talk for him…”

“No, I came here because you’re my friend and of course I’m worried about you.”

“OK.” Winry calmed down and sat down on the bed, folding her arms on her lap.

“Uh, please don’t get mad,” Pan said after trying to decide how to tell her the news, “but… he accidentally revealed your secret. Or rather, I guessed it when he said some weird things.”

“Oh great. That idiot. I really didn’t want you to find out that way,” Winry sighed, understanding Paninya must have talked about her pregnancy. “I was supposed to tell you soon…”

“It doesn’t matter, Winry! I’m happy for you, I really am! It’s just, you guys seem to get into a fight over smallest things, and what if… what if it gets out of control and one of you says something you can’t fix?”

“Trust me, that thought has crossed my mind a few times. But don’t worry, at the end of the day, we still love each other. He may be an idiot, but… he’s still my idiot. And besides,” Winry blushed fiercely, “afterwards, making up is always fun.”

“That’s too much information, Win!”

“OK, OK, sorry. But it’s not just the sex, he’s always super sweet and thoughtful after a fight. Sometimes he cooks something good, and once he even let me use his favorite leather jacket… You know how he loves that thing.”

“Wow. Sounds like you have him totally wrapped around your finger.”

“Even though I hate to admit it at the moment, he does that same to me,” Winry’s face got even redder. “There’s a reason why I’m marrying him, after all. But what is taking him this long?” She suddenly got worried. “Usually he comes to find me a lot faster…”

“He’s… busy doing something.” Paninya said carefully, not wanting to reveal the secret Ed was preparing.

“OK. He’d better do it fast, though,” Winry complained. “I’m getting really hungry here.”

“You have already forgiven him, though, haven’t you?”

“When you are fighting with him as much as I am, you kinda have to learn to do it fast.” Winry smiled.

“You seem to enjoy the fighting, am I right?”

“I guess you are. I wouldn’t be able to be with someone who never challenges me.”

“Aww. Then you are definitely marrying the right person.”

“Hey! Only I have the right to insult him!” Winry exclaimed, pretending to be angry, but soon burst into laughter.

The girls changed the subject and started talking about baby related things, like the baby’s sex and name suggestions. At some point Al peeked into the bedroom and told Paninya Ed and he were ready.

“Where are you taking me?” Winry tried to pry when Al came in and tied a scarf around her head, so she couldn’t see what was happening around her.

“It’s a surprise. That’s why there’s a blindfold,” Al said and spun Winry around a couple of times so she wouldn’t be able to figure out their direction too easily.

“I don’t like surprises,” Winry tried to protest but followed Al when he dragged her forward.

“Are we there yet?” she asked impatiently when her future brother-in-law seemed to take her in and out of a lot of rooms.

“Soon, Winry, soon.”

They stepped into a room that had been empty before the fight because the couple had agreed that they still had plenty of time to organize it. When Al took the scarf off from Winry’s face, she didn’t recognize the space at first. There was a chest of drawers for the baby’s clothes Pinako had given for the couple (not knowing they’d be using it for this purpose, however), a shelf for toys and other things (a surprisingly cute dragon plush already sitting there), a table for changing the diapers, and…

“A crib?” Winry asked aloud when she saw the object she didn’t remember seeing earlier. “When did you have time to get this?”

“Just a little while ago… You know, Al helped a bit…” Ed said, referring to his alchemy. “But I added some things of my own in there. And I would have added more but Al didn’t let me.” Al rolled his eyes at his brother, knowing he had wanted to make the crib black and add some spikes and gargoyles here and there. He’d have to hide Ed’s drawing from Winry…

Winry pulled the blanket on the crib away and saw a huge bowl in there. And the bowl was full of…

“Chocolate wrenches!”

“If you want to throw me with them… go ahead.”

“No way!” Winry said and took one chocolate wrench into her hand excitedly. “I’m going to eat this right away!”

As she munched happily, Ed said: “I’m sorry about earlier. I know this moving in and the wedding and now the baby too have been stressing you… I shouldn’t be the one to add you even more stress. And I promise to listen to you more often now. By the way, I threw all the pickles away too.”

“That’s good. I shouldn’t have nagged you about the chocolate either. And you don’t have to eat the blue cheese if you don’t want to.”

“You know I don’t,” Ed snorted and went to hug his soon-to-be-wife.

“We’re a pair of idiots, aren’t we?” Winry murmured when she snuggled her head against his shoulder.

“I guess we are. Hey, we’re not skipping our favorite part of making up, though?” he whispered, trying to make sure Al and Paninya weren’t hearing.

“You give me some real food first, and we’ll see what happens after that,” Winry said with amusement, intertwining their fingers.

“It’s a deal.”

A/N: In case you missed it, I drew a picture of Ed’s version of the crib. Check it out!

#edwin #edward elric #winry rockbell #my fics #fullmetal alchemist #mavistuffz

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