#which is something Ive been trying to actively deconstruct

[olyve-oyle]

The closest thing I get to deconstructing my internalized homophobia is defending Green Day to my parents even though I also don't really like Green Day

[iceglade]

wuk lamat could only have ever been a trans catgirl btw

1.4k words (sorry), dawntrail level 100 spoilers:

thats like the whole point when the dawntrail final arc antagonists are examinations/deconstructions the traditional gender roles. btw.

consider where mamook is in the story. consider who gulool ja ja is to tural.

ive been workshopping an essay about how a few of dawntrail's themes are connected, i think theres an in depth conversation that can be had...

95-100 cannot be separated from the cultural context that came before it , regarding the spirituality of Living Memory, sure, but also regarding legacy and filling the legendary gulool ja ja's shoes™ with mamook being where it is as the lid on a jar that was being filled the entire time to complete a jar mini ecosystem before we crack it open 30 years later in heritage found to see whats grown inside.

dawntrail doesnt go into sexism but it does go into racism, it does go into the psyche of the people who IN REAL WORLD TERMS want rich white men to be the ruling class and the people who arent traditional men who still support that concept. its all connected

like the WHOLE FIRST HALF OF THE GAME WAS ABOUT THE SECOND HALF OF THE GAME AND VICE VERSA GO BACK AND REPLAY THE FIRST PART PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. you NEED to learn about your culture and your traditions and your history and you NEED to embrace change and growth and outsider perspectives DO NOT TOSS ONE OUT FOR THE OTHER. THEY NEED TO WORK TOGETHER TO FILL THE IDEAL, REAL OR NOT, THAT YOU ARE TRYING TO FUFILL.

MAMOOK LEFT AN IMPRESSION ON ME and the solution presented was learn about one another. understand one another. know their problems. offer and accept help from outside perspectives and grow. which while neither perfect nor fully realized is a lot more than ive ever seen a video game do ever lol. history of war, lack of sunlight, difficulty with getting food, self inflicted self perpetuating community trauma, shunning outsiders, clinging to a status quo so toxic that its actively killing both adults and children - all of these are deeply, undeniably connected.

so.

i grew up in the south.. y'all know how it is!! in some places its BAD down here!!

BUILDING FROM THAT,

IMAGINE YOU LEARNED ALL THOSE LESSONS.

heritage found says okay, we did that. we listened to each other, we learned. we improved. and we did not force this growth upon anyone who didnt want it. we DIDNT abandon our culture or tradition. and STILL our problems persist!! people still die and to keep them alive we have to remember them but it hurts. it still hurts to mourn them. we are still haunted by our past and the burdens we inherited

THIS PLOT IS SOOOO STEEPED IN REAL WORLD CULTURAL PHENOMENON. BTW. THE SENSITIVITY READERS ARE OWED A CUT OUT OF EVERY DOLLAR SQUENIX GETS OFF OF THIS FOR THE REST OF TIME. AAGHH

CAUSE THIS COULDVE BEEN SO BAAADDDD , AND INSTEAD, I LOVVEEEED IT

idk...!!!!! i love living memory as an escalation of the idea that if they're remembered they never really die, but it hurts to remember. (GO BACK AND HANG OUT WITH THE YOK HUY RIGHT NOWWW) this is something real world people live by. was talking abt this with some friends and one of them mentioned living memory's color scheme "being the same orange being associated with ofrendas" in the same conversation where we were just. absorbing how deeply horrifying uploading your loved ones' memory to the cloud os (the wording used was, "the excision of memories of the dead"). one youtube comment said its like playing records of the dead and imagining they're alive again. i am haunted by erenville and graha - "i dont wish they were here again, i just wish they never died"

living memory is "if they're remembered they never really die" twisted to its illogical extreme.

the weight of that spirituality is no mistake. and shutting it down because is SUCH an ethically devastating thing to have to do even on top of your friends' parents passing on and you thinking the place was idk pretty or something (cause it rlly was) what the fuck what the fuuck

theres so much in this expansion about learning about and respecting other cultures and offering aid when its hurting others and themselves

which like makes me nervous for the patch quests btw because we need to talk about, that, vs , this is how we honor our dead

we had to shut it down because it was an active threat and was going to go nuclear but that was how they honored their dead

but i do trust this story. so i look forward to it.

all this to say i think it would be a misstep to have us go "hey dont do the soul thing do this instead". just as much as it would have been a HUGE misstep to have us be the protagonist of this expansion instead of lamat'yi.

AND FOR THE RECORD WUK HAD TO BE THE PROTAGONIST OF DAWNTRAIL FOR THIS REASON. I STAND BY THAT.

fuuuck, flaws and all, i love this game.

i have more to say about sphene and zoraal ja hold on this is all relevant to the original premise trust me.

SO YEAH.

but yeah its no surprise that

1. sphene, a traditionally feminine uwu perfect angel princess queen of REASON

2. (erenville voice) Zoraal Ja, The Warmongerer, Mine Is The Power Mine Is The Path, I Must Surpass My Man-The-Textbooks-Teach-About Father burnt out gifted oldest child king of RESOLVE

are DIRECTLY IN OPPOSITION to

1. wuk lamat, catgirl naruto young and dumb shonen protagonist with a big heart and an open mind warrior princess vow of RESOLVE

2. and koana, emotionally reserved well-studied STEM club vp advanced placement poly catboy vow of REASON

there are people who do not fit the stereotype who are suffering trying to achieve it who want it to end, and then there are people who Double Down.

regarding everyone who lives in tuliyollal and the extremely diverse area of tural, it cannot be stressed enough how Gulool Ja Ja is the guy they write the textbooks about. he is the perfect adventurer who traveled the world and united the people. in the context of the story he is the man on the cover of the fantasy novel ripped shirt rippling abs two swords and all. imagine being his gifted full of potential son ON TOP OF how insane being an oldest child makes you PLUS The War thats why zoraal ja is like that.

i love love love sphene. sphene is using zoraal ja. shes based off of the ideal of the sweet beloved disney princess/queen. she was using his agency like a weapon and her lack of agency as a shield and when he turned against her own people , which he said very clearly that he would do, wuk tells her that she needs to actually help the people she loves and do what she can do, and she interprets that from there - it just so happens that "true to herself" puts her in direct opposition to the person who was encouraging her to be that way.

for the homestuck fans shes a muse and hes a lord IM BEGGING YOU DONT CLICK OUT PLEASE LET ME FINISH MY SENTA

WUK AND KOANA WILL NOT FILL THE SHOES OF THE IDEAL MAN LEADER IN THE EYES OF THOSE WHO WANT A MORE TRADITIONAL LEADER UNTIL THEY MARCH UPON THEIR CASTLE AND STRIKE THEM DOWN WITH THE SAME HATRED THAT THEY STRUCK THE PAST GENERATION DOWN, zoraal ja says, in no uncertain terms

and zoraal ja is wrong.

they repel the second attack on tuliyollal because they ask for help. wuk DOES get a good hit on zoraal ja in heritage found. and zoraal ja throws away the ultimatum he himself delivered by throwing away his army, kidnapping his son, overdosing on aether, and leaving the moment its clear that brute force is not going to take wuk lamat's community away from her.

and sphene cant use him as an excuse anymore.

sphene was programmed to do ANYTHING to accomplish an infinitely increasingly difficult goal. she who cursed me with this soft and powerless nature. my desire to protect my people transcends all others. is there no way to make peace with tuliyollal? if it were you, could you have found a better way? i cant bear to lose them - not again!

there will only ever be more dead, forever.

i rlly want to go into that but its a completely separate topic for another time i just.. love these characters. i love what theyve done with this place.

but no parts 1 and 2 are the same part. dont discard tradition, dont reject innovation. wuk lamat put it best

@ bakool ja ja

@ sphene

what do YOU want? beyond the stereotype your community wanted you to fill?

[nahalism]

I really struggle to move on and let go of old feelings and honestly the only thing I've found that actually really helps me is redirecting the source of the emotion. Like instead of continuing to be upset with a person, being upset that the situation happened— if that makes sense. It's easier to deconstruct it that way down the road when I'm actually ready to take something from it and leave the emotion behind

<333333

i hear you. honestly, i find myself in a place where im able to do that (i draw or write and am able to get out of the trapped, claustrophobic feeling that not getting over the past brings) but the moment i stop drawing or doing something to metabolise those feelings im a restless wreck. & so im left w the feeling that the things i struggle to accept/get over are things i have to actively address and face to get past, and that anything less is avoidance (which is something ive been very good at and no longer want to be good at). switching my focus is one thing, cause i can do that all the time, but channeling the emotion doesnt feel the same cause it seems to have no end? its not like having too much energy for the day then going for a run that tides you over till you have too much energy again the next day, so run again. its more like a hamster wheel. like feeling rage or sadness and just needing to run forever. and i dont wanna run forever. i also dont wanna watch the pain forever trying to decipher it in some kind of masochistic yet hopeful spiral.

so yeah rn im doing just as u say lol. i find some other outlet because when i look back on how i spend my days its better to 'run' than to b paralysed in the feeling & have nothing to show for how i spent a day in my life. at the same time, running is a response. and i want sovereignty, so there has to be some other way

[lov u for sending this. have a beautiful day]

[farty-city]

inside bo burnham review no one asked for

i enjoy other peoples commentary and i was writing down my first thoughts anyway so here it is

inside

first song/intro song

i like the phone screen on him, very reflective of how we have had phone screens on us

“roberts been a little depressed” osnskjdnfs

they were right “daddys made you some content so open wide” hjbfafn

intro

oh my god he looks awful

but like in a cute way

maybe

healing the world with comedy (second song)

the canned and queued laugher no exactly… is it a symbol or is it just funny.. who's to say. 

it think its a good first song, establishing he knows what he is doing is kind of useless 

“the indescribable power of your comedy”

he looks like marc maron rn

i like the synthed voice and synthesizer

the jesus allusion … yeah

“i'm a special kind of white guy”

this feels like he knows how he is perceived by fans.. Make happy was too much

his fucking dancing fksjdnfksj

i think he did a good job looking manic

the lasers lmao

Side 1

Bo made a huge gamble releasing this like,,, what if you just stumbled upon it and this was ur first introduction to him..

I bet its like when i comment dumb things on instagram comments and get that rush of hehehehe

NO NOT BO DEVELOPING BILLIE EILLISH VOWELS

Also this is exactly what he wanted like,, he just wanted to make his things and not deal with the crowds so..

To think i was like finding scraps of him performing at largo and stuff and now,, so much content

life imitates art

the way he's literally what he wrote hgbkdf

there is no authenticity with cameras

suicide ?

 facetime with my mom tonight

the blue light.. Yeah

o hblue like sad

i don't know how i feel about the electric music but i guess its no different than whatever else i listen to

this is sad wow

still catchy etc

side 2

i wonder if here will be any fart jokes

that is how the world works (songs)

the huge mess and then him in a sweater

this is reminiscent of that walmart muppets

he became tim minchin with a sock puppet

the “yes… yes sir” stoppp 

jkgdsnfijwkensfosnf

qbejfnjne

nerjgnoejns

bo making a political statement and a metaphor for activism and then making it weirdly kinky

brand consultant (bit)

man bun

i have to believe he filmed it with the beard because quarantine vibes and also bc he was tired of being seen as a child

white womans instagram (song)

i did not like that intro

BO AND GLASSES THANK GOD

the daisies wow just wow

underwear

“white womans instagram” or “bo burnham becomes a girlboss”

i like that he didn't lose his cadence like the way the rhymes are you can still tell its him

i don't get the mom part sorry

is it like how people are very superficial but also very personal on their instagrams

this part was legit sad

side 3

i wonder how he felt with cameras constantly on him

Although this is the point hes trying to make

lol seinfeld moment (bit)

unpaid intern (bit and song)

“barely people somehow legal” was so smooth woW

omg he was scatting

he was a man who would scat

oh my god what great news

the react clip omg

i cant believe he did that oh my god

observation/critisism and response to the “can anyone shut the fuck up” 

and as i realized what he was doing he was like “i have this need for everything i make to have a deeper meaning” oh my god

now the question is how long will this go on?

jeffrey bezos (song)

idk its catchy

and then theres him like sleeping and talking which kind of is part of the jeff bezos song

bug eyes salamanders hehe

sexting (song)

i do believe this is just a silly song 

the earrings tho omg

sounds like post malone hbkjdsnfskj

idk its still about like intimacy in quarantine and that stuff..

the knife (bit)

i know hes copying like other youtubers but like,,, what

stuck in a room (song)

the intro is very funny and relatable

classic bo i love it 

i will say this special has been more reflective but i suppose it has to be

“look whos inside again”

i like the end too, this is all a fabrication

this is the clip where hes staring at the projection of himself from his old youtube videos which is sort of more like an ending to the “stuck in my room” song

 sorry (song)

i love the 80’s style music and its like zumba

oh this is like an apology song

“father please forgive me for i did not realise what i did, or that id live to regret it” what a catchy line

i would say this is another more “classic” bo song where its self aware and funny

“my closet it chalk full of stuff that is vaguely shitty” 

camera falling

this deserves its own bullet because its silly

i'm turning 30 (bit and song)

i remember him talking about this on a podcast and like,, damn i didn't know this also happened LOL

i really like how he did the lighting 

“stupid fucking ugly boring children”

suicide talk (1)

this is interesting i like the use of the projection

this is something that could never have happened onstage

just like with the it being projected on him

i guess it could but it would have to be done differently and probably hed have to make it funnier to make it more engaging

intermission

i just checked this is about the halfway point.. Mh

i don't wanna know (song)

“i thought it’d be over by now”

i wish this was longer but i kind of like how its just a little snippet and then the cut

video game (bit)

“i guess i’ll cry again”

“is the dude big or is the room small” lol

hm depression

 feelin like shit (song)

ohh the lighting is fun again

this is the tone shift i suppose

the feels like supalonely and the new kind of music

atl

:(

panic attack 

everything all of the time (song)

feels like brandon rogers 

i enjoy this

this feels like “welcome to youtube” grew up

“a little bit of everything all of the time”

“apathys a tragedy and boredoms a crime”

ok olivia rodrigo

finishing the special (bit)

these feel like diary entries but as standup

interesting choice

jeffery bezos (2)

Why the seaweed suit

Where did he get that

the digital space (bit)

suit up, gather what is needed, and return to the surface

damn

pirate map anfdkjfnskjd

this was so stupid (affectonate)

that funny feeling (song)

the campfire vibes 

kenny loggins

i don't get it..

is it about childhood, is it about the present?

i think its talking about the end of content? 

“the end of culture”, to quote make happy

change and not liking it 

“we were overdue, but it will be over soon”

if the second half of the special is like a panic attack this song is like a momentary pause before it gets worse

“so ive been working on this special”/breakdown 

this was .. uncomfortable and genuine which i'm sure is why he kept it

all eyes on me (song/rant)

another sad thing to watch.. damn

me trying to tell if the audio was from make happy

i think he was trying to make it as if the audio was from make happy 

this feels.. familiar

and obviously that is the point

“come on in the waters fine”

the use of autotune during the talking part... yeah

sad that he was gonna make another special… and it would have been totally different than this

i’ve decided i like the homage to make happy

It feels like hes made peace with it

the montage of him waking up and the “i think i'm done”

and then of course the ending where he's watching it over to remind us that its all fabricated

possible ending song/ “i promise to never go outside again”

ngl he looks good in the shirt with the haircut hehe

which i feel like is what he wants up to notice

and then like not think after we saw all his breakdowns

“i want to hear you tell a joke when no ones laughing in the background”

i really like the medley

Final thoughts

I want a blooper reel, but this doesn't seem like the kind of special

I also wonder if the songs will be on like apple music, but again, doesn't seem like the kind of special

I'm happy for him, he got to be honest and open and show us the sort of panicky stuff

this self aware comedy is exactly the stuff that i think will be making a comeback in the next decade.  John better be pulling up with more deconstructed comedy. 

I hope this has given him peace

[alinaastarkov]

Motherhood - Arya, Daenerys, Brienne and Sansa

So this is in response to an ask I got and it ended up really long so I thought I would post separately. I’m not great at writing proper metas but this is my poor imitation of one at least, so here goes.

Motherhood and children are key parts of Arya, Brienne and Dany’s arcs. They all act as mothers to other characters in their stories and seem to have a natural maternal instinct that you normally don’t find in female characters who are gnc because men usually just can’t write strong women. Ususally female characters get the choice between children or having skills, but Brienne, Arya and Dany get both in their arcs. On the flip side, Sansa on the outside is a prime candidate for motherhood - she dreams of having children, is romantic, traditionally feminine, etc. But GRRM deconstructs these tropes by almost making her not very maternal at all.

Sansa outwardly conforms to patriarchal gender norms but she doesn’t take joy in or have the instincts of a mother. Her dreams were usually limited to marriage and not much beyond that. She’s growing out of her superficial desires, obviously, but she always thought about romance and being a lady, and having babies was a part of that because of the society she grows up in. She never wanted to actually care for children, she was just told that was an essential part of a “happy ending” and so she bought it. Her dreams about children were only ever about babies. She wants the fantasy, not the reality of raising kids. We can see with her behaviour with Sweetrobin - though it is improving - she really doesn’t have those motherly instincts and disdains the truths of having to care for someone younger.

It was more than Sansa could stand. "Robert, stop that." Instead he swung the doll again, and a foot of wall exploded. She grabbed for his hand but she caught the doll instead. There was a loud ripping sound as the thin cloth tore. Suddenly she had the doll's head, Robert had the legs and body, and the rag-and-sawdust stuffing was spilling in the snow. Lord Robert's mouth trembled. "You killlllllllled him," he wailed. Then he began to shake. It started with no more than a little shivering, but within a few short heartbeats he had collapsed across the castle, his limbs flailing about violently. White towers and snowy bridges shattered and fell on all sides. Sansa stood horrified, but Petyr Baelish seized her cousin's wrists and shouted for the maester. - Sansa VII, ASOS

Robert's lip quivered. "I was going to come sleep with you." I know you were. Sweetrobin had been accustomed to crawling in beside his mother, until she wed Lord Petyr. Since Lady Lysa's death he had taken to wandering the Eyrie in quest of other beds. The one he liked best was Sansa's . . . which was why she had asked Ser Lothor Brune to lock his door last night. She would not have minded if he only slept, but he was always trying to nuzzle at her breasts, and when he had his shaking spells he often wet the bed. - Sansa I, AFFC

Alayne understood all that well enough, but it meant that the burden of getting Sweetrobin safely down the mountain fell on her. "Give his lordship a cup of sweetmilk," she told the maester. "That will stop him from shaking on the journey down." "He had a cup not three days past," Colemon objected. "And wanted another last night, which you refused him." "It was too soon. My lady, you do not understand. As I've told the Lord Protector, a pinch of sweetsleep will prevent the shaking, but it does not leave the flesh, and in time . . ." "Time will not matter if his lordship has a shaking fit and falls off the mountain. If my father were here, I know he would tell you to keep Lord Robert calm at all costs." "I try, my lady, yet his fits grow ever more violent, and his blood is so thin I dare not leech him any more. Sweetsleep . . . you are certain he was not bleeding from the nose?" "He was sniffling," Alayne admitted, "but I saw no blood." "I must speak to the Lord Protector. This feast . . . is that wise, I wonder, after the strain of the descent?" [...] "Just give him a cup of the sweetmilk before we go, and another at the feast, and there should be no trouble." "Very well." They paused at the foot of the stairs. "But this must be the last. For half a year, or longer." "You had best take that up with the Lord Protector." She pushed through the door and crossed the yard. Colemon only wanted the best for his charge, Alayne knew, but what was best for Robert the boy and what was best for Lord Arryn were not always the same. Petyr had said as much, and it was true. Maester Colemon cares only for the boy, though. Father and I have larger concerns. - Alayne II, AFFC

In the last quote she says she has “larger concerns” than Robin’s health. All these characters are forced into motherly roles, even if they don’t like it at first, but Sansa is the only one of them who never actually feels that instinct to care for the child over other concerns. Not all people have motherly instincts so this is not a bad thing, it is simply a truth about her character. She does not have the connection to motherhood and children that others do.

Brienne, Arya and Dany on the other hand don’t conform to gender norms but they don’t disdain traditionally feminine women and all have super maternal instincts. Motherhood and children are an important part of all these characters’ arcs. With Dany, it’s blindingly obvious, and Brienne and Arya have this on a smaller scale, but they all care for and protect people like mothers. Sometimes this means being forceful to ensure they listen and are protected, but all mothers do the same.

The fire leapt from one house to another. Arya saw a tree consumed, the flames creeping across its branches until it stood against the night in robes of living orange. Everyone was awake now, manning the catwalks or struggling with the frightened animals below. She could hear Yoren shouting commands. Something bumped against her leg, and she glanced down to discover the crying girl clutching her. "Get away!" She wrenched her leg free. "What are you doing up here? Run and hide someplace, you stupid." She shoved the girl away. - Arya IV, ACOK

They found Gerren too, but he was hurt too bad to move. As they were running toward the barn, Arya spied the crying girl sitting in the middle of the chaos, surrounded by smoke and slaughter. She grabbed her by the hand and pulled her to her feet as the others raced ahead. The girl wouldn't walk, even when slapped. Arya dragged her with her right hand while she held Needle in the left. Ahead, the night was a sullen red. The barn's on fire, she thought. Flames were licking up its sides from where a torch had fallen on straw, and she could hear the screaming of the animals trapped within. Hot Pie stepped out of the barn. "Arry, come on! Lommy's gone, leave her if she won't come!" Stubbornly, Arya dragged all the harder, pulling the crying girl along. Hot Pie scuttled back inside, abandoning them . . . but Gendry came back, the fire shining so bright on his polished helm that the horns seemed to glow orange. He ran to them, and hoisted the crying girl up over his shoulder. "Run!" - Arya IV, ACOK

"Mostly just roofs," Arya admitted, "but some chimneys were smoking, and I heard a horse." The Weasel put her arms around her leg, clutching tight. Sometimes she did that now. [...] "If we see any leg potion, we'll bring it," Gendry said. "Arry, let's go, I want to get near before the sun is down. Hot Pie, you keep Weasel here, I don't want her following." [...] "You leave Weasel alone, she's just scared and hungry is all." Arya glanced back, but the girl was not following for once. Hot Pie must have grabbed her, like Gendry had told him. [...] Lommy and Hot Pie almost shit themselves when she stepped out of the trees behind them. "Quiet," she told them, putting an arm around Weasel when the little girl came running up. [...] "She ran off when she heard you coming," Lommy said. "You made a lot of noise." And Arya thought, Run, Weasel, run as far as you can, run and hide and never come back.  - Arya V, ACOK

She would make much better time on her own, Arya knew, but she could not leave them. They were her pack, her friends, the only living friends that remained to her, and if not for her they would still be safe at Harrenhal, Gendry sweating at his forge and Hot Pie in the kitchens. If the Mummers catch us, I'll tell them that I'm Ned Stark's daughter and sister to the King in the North. I'll command them to take me to my brother, and to do no harm to Hot Pie and Gendry. They might not believe her, though, and even if they did . . . Lord Bolton was her brother's bannerman, but he frightened her all the same. I won't let them take us, she vowed silently, reaching back over her shoulder to touch the hilt of the sword that Gendry had stolen for her. I won't. - Arya I, ASOS

Arya with Weasel is such a strong example of her motherly instincts. Even though Arya is only 9/10 herself, she takes it upon herself to care for others even when everyone else is telling her not too. Like every other mother, she forces Weasel to do what’s best for her, protecting her even if it makes Weasel upset for a while. At least she’s alive and safe. And she’s good at being motherly too. Eventually, Weasel is actively seeking out Arya as her protector, clinging to her leg, and Arya holds Weasel so casually and naturally, it’s pretty much automatic. And her attachment to her “pack” throughout is just an extension of this because she is always “at the head”, the leader, the protector, the mother.

"They will not hurt me," she told him. "They are my children, Jorah." She laughed, put her heels into her horse, and rode to them, the bells in her hair ringing sweet victory. She trotted, then cantered, then broke into a gallop, her braid streaming behind. The freed slaves parted before her. "Mother," they called from a hundred throats, a thousand, ten thousand. "Mother," they sang, their fingers brushing her legs as she flew by. "Mother, Mother, Mother!" - Daenerys IV, ASOS

Dany had left a trail of corpses behind her when she crossed the red waste. It was a sight she never meant to see again. "No," she said. "I will not march my people off to die." My children. "There must be some way into this city." - Daenerys V, ASOS

Safe. The word made Dany's eyes fill up with tears. "I want to keep you safe." Missandei was only a child. With her, she felt as if she could be a child too. "No one ever kept me safe when I was little. Well, Ser Willem did, but then he died, and Viserys … I want to protect you but … it is so hard. To be strong. I don't always know what I should do. I must know, though. I am all they have. I am the queen … the … the …" "… mother," whispered Missandei. "Mother to dragons." Dany shivered. "No. Mother to us all." Missandei hugged her tighter. "Your Grace should sleep. Dawn will be here soon, and court." "We'll both sleep, and dream of sweeter days. Close your eyes." When she did, Dany kissed her eyelids and made her giggle. - Daenerys II, ADWD

The motherhood part of Dany’s arc is pretty much undeniable. She is the mother to dragons, mother to all her people. She calls them her “children”, they call her “Mhysa” and their care is her primary concern. As seen in the last quote, she agonises over not protecting them well enough, she worries constantly that she is putting them in danger when all she wants to do is keep them safe. Missandei reminds her that she is their mother and she is protecting them as best she can, and like Arya and Brienne she acts motherly in a more personal sense here, making Missandei giggle. Without a doubt, Dany is the best protector her children could have asked for. Motherhood I’m sure will only become more prevalent in Dany’s story going forward.

So far he had been true to his word, and Brienne had been true to hers. Podrick had not complained. Every time he raised a new blister on his sword hand, he felt the need to show it to her proudly. He took good care of their horses too. He is still no squire, she reminded herself, but I am no knight, no matter how many times he calls me "ser." She would have sent him on his way, but he had nowhere to go. Besides, though Podrick said he did not know where Sansa Stark had gone, it might be that he knew more than he realized. Some chance remark, half-remembered, might hold the key to Brienne's quest. - Brienne III, AFFC

Brienne had been betrothed at seven, to a boy three years her senior, Lord Caron's younger son, a shy boy with a mole above his lip. They had only met the once, on the occasion of their betrothal. Two years later he was dead, carried off by the same chill that took Lord and Lady Caron and their daughters. Had he lived, they would have been wed within a year of her first flowering, and her whole life would have been different. She would not be here now, dressed in man's mail and carrying a sword, hunting for a dead woman's child. More like she'd be at Nightsong, swaddling a child of her own and nursing another. It was not a new thought for Brienne. It always made her feel a little sad, but a little relieved as well. - Brienne III, AFFC

One of the women was very old, one was heavy with child, and one was a girl as fresh and pretty as a flower in spring. When Meribald took them off to hear their sins, Ser Hyle chuckled, and said, "It would seem the gods walk with us . . . at least the Maiden, the Mother, and the Crone." Podrick looked so astonished that Brienne had to tell him no, they were only three marsh women. - Brienne V, AFFC

"Podrick has never harmed you. My father will ransom him. Tarth is called the sapphire isle. Send Podrick with my bones to Evenfall, and you'll have sapphires, silver, whatever you want." [...] Brienne felt the hemp constricting, digging into her skin, jerking her chin upward. Ser Hyle was cursing them eloquently, but not the boy. Podrick never lifted his eyes, not even when his feet were jerked up off the ground. If this is another dream, it is time for me to awaken. If this is real, it is time for me to die. All she could see was Podrick, the noose around his thin neck, his legs twitching. Her mouth opened. Pod was kicking, choking, dying. Brienne sucked the air in desperately, even as the rope was strangling her. Nothing had ever hurt so much. She screamed a word.  - Brienne VIII, AFFC

Brienne is similar to Arya in terms of motherly instincts. She maybe begrudges her responsibility to Pod at first, but she recognises that responsibility straight away and takes it on nevertheless, protecting him, teaching him, encouraging him. Pod meanwhile seems to love Brienne, taking pride in being her squire, wanting to be at her side at all times. In the end, honour, quite possibly the most important thing for Brienne, is sacrificed to save Pod’s life.

It’s another deconstruction of classic fairy tale characters. Motherhood is associated with protection, and so the gnc women in the series taking on protector roles of the more traditional sense (ruling, wielding a sword, knighthood, etc.) are also mothers at the same time, and the classic princess is what she would realistically be like - superficial and largely without those instincts. It’s another reason to think Arya/ Brienne/ Daenerys will end the series with children of their own.

[lemongogo]

In the chapter where shigaraki's abt to wake up and his family tries to stop him from accepting afo, is it like explained where do they come from? Like are they ghosts? Hallucinations? If it's the latest would it mean tomura is aware that his family would not want him to do that, or is it like thoughts from his own subconscious? Is he trying to reject his own doubts abt afo or his dead loved one's will?

i keep typing it out over and over in the hopes that my wording will be more concise but . HAFJKDS ive spent more time on this than i hoped 2 so hopefully. this is understandable SKSKF

but !! i think it’s a mix of both, honestly. i don’t know if bnha has ever established an afterlife outside of one for all, but i don’t think its out of the realm of possibility. the way that his dreamscape is constructed leads me to believe that the first half, at least, is more subconscious representation and memories at play. for instance, much of the imagery is representative of conversations he’s had with nao and hana from ch.235 , all of which are exaggerated by hk in the way they’re portrayed (nao and kortaro being these huge figures, hana and part of the house floating in chunks of decay, etc). and it’s cool bc it’s almost as if we’re seeing him finally process them for the first time since he’s unlocked them in mla. seeing his responses are really. AAA :”( sad

however, the last few interactions they show of tomura with his family pulling him back suggest that maybe they are some form of conscious afterlife?? i think at least hm. especially given the context of what was happening; how they were all sized relative to himself (unlike before) and consciously reflective of what was playing out in real time. idk something about shigaraki being clinically dead @ that point leads me to think that there was some active intervention involved. unless proper afterlife junk is only reserved to one for all , and its just applicable to nana. because the way that she looked at him once he made his decision was rly like. Seemed to be her actual self u know? and i guarantee that her connections between ofa and afo make her interactions w shig tangible

so yeah , it feels like an amalgamation of the two imo, with the first part being more shig’s memories and subconscious and the later being more like. ghosts in the sense that ur talking about (though it’s definitely open to interpretation 🤔)

as far as the meaning behind it , i personally think its a combination of resignation/fate played into all of afo's abuse and grooming whilst also being like . some internal .idk how 2 say but like. solemnity of lacking the familial support nd structure he needed when he was 5 yrs old nd reaching out for help. and the part that strikes me as interesting is that he didn’t rly show much rejection or reaction to when nao, hana, his grandparents, nana, etc. pulled him back but once kotaro appeared it was like. That was it you know. and i think seeing him again served as a reminder of what all for one and kotaro both instilled in him, which all turns back to that idea of him being resigned to his fate. in other words, being led to believe, for the past 15 yrs of his life, that what happened to him & his family that day was a result of him being “intrinsically evil” or like. "made to destroy”. which isnt True and anyone who read his origin Knows that , but he doesn’t know that. all he’s been taught to do is internalize his emotions and weaponize them in a way that has led to where he is now ,, including the acquisition of afo. its so messy 2 deconstruct but i get both of those vibes from what u mentioned. like a base rejection of his family’s will (though i’d argue he’s never had a chance to realize what they Are--fuck gran torino) through his affiliation to afo and afo’s teachings but also . some manifestation of his inner turmoil and callback to his childhood and inner desires.

AAH theres so much more i could say if this were like an open conversation but i hope thts not like. too confusing. i feel like my paragraphs r very much “yes but no but yes” ASJSKJ also here are some panels that i think r really important:

THIS AS FAR AS THE RESIGNATION GOES.. THE DONT REJECT WHO I AM ! DIES .. like he Literally believes this is who he Is and Was Meant to be , and that him following afo’s footsteps is inevitable. and required of him in a sense. like he feels that his affiliation with afo and afo’s quirk is who he is and htts. SO fucking sad wtf

AND ALSO LOOK AT . THE THING I WAS TALKING ABT KOTARO. LOOK AT HOW KOTARO IS EMERGING FROM AFO HIMSELF. i think subconsciously he’s aware of like the restrictions and the limitations of what all for one and kotaro have placed on him compared to his family (aka the ideas of being bad, destructive, etc) but . isnt that wild like. it was when he saw his dad , the one he associates w like. intentional decay nd like  . the switch in his life, that he rejects the rest .and interesting how its within all for one that kotaro comes from . and how shigaraki later says to hell with all for one’s intentions. GOD the msging is my favorite

and also nana . w how shes like. giving that final look as she’s decaying from the dreamscape. i believe w my full chest that’s the real nana . the one that midoriya is acquainted w bec of the ofa/afo bridge. AA I WANT MORE NANA & TOMURA INTERACTIONS PLSPLSPLS

i .combusts.implodes. dies. runs in2 traffic.want to talk about this chapter alone for the rest of my life i love it so os so much. i think its so revealing of his conflicts nd how they contribute to his character, both overall nd subliminally 

[witchvspatriarchy]

What “every white person is racist” means

Everytime I see a post of “you can’t be white and not be racist” or something along those lines, there’s always a white person jumping in saying “i’m white and i’m not racist, you saying that is racist” and here’s the thing:

YES. In the USA specifically you cannot be white and not be racist. Why? Because in USA history white people have opressed black people and they have built a system in which they are benefited from their status as white folk.

So you may not consider yourself racist, and maybe you’re not, in the sense that you’re not hateful, or pro-salvery or part of the KKK - but you benefit from the systematic racism in your country. If you don’t recognize your privilege and actively try to deconstruct that system that benefits you while giving black folks the shorthand you are being racist cause you’re enabling that systematic racism - and because if you’re aware that you benefit from it and you don’t want to tackle it and deconstruct it is because you don’t want to lose that privilege. So, yes, it is racist. That makes you racist.

Plus, segregation was “abolished” in 1954 - 66 years ago, your grandparents and your parents were alive and learned the segregation way, you probably have been subconciously taught racism while you grow. Maybe little comments here and there, maybe you’ve been taught to not trust a black person when they come to your home, or you have been taught to lock your car doors when you’re inside and a black person passes by. Keep in mind these arent taught in a verbal way, this are little reaction-habits that are learned subconciously. So yeah, you are most probaly racist in one way or another. The same way all men are sexist, one way or another.

My dad for example, he doesn’t consider himself sexist, and most people wouldn’t either, he isn’t violent, or actively treats women as a lesser kind BUT every time we talk about celebrities his only focus is on the physical attraction of the female celebrities, ive hear him say many times “she’s not pretty enough to play that role”, while his focus on the male ones are about talents and scores and awards and stuff. Those are sexist comments, that is a very sexist pov to look at celebs, so yes, he is sexist.

THIS is what people need to understand, being racist, sexist, lgbtqphobe doesnt always present itself in an ugly oppressive agressive “im better than you and you dont deserve human rights” kind of way, sometimes its subtler and unintentional, and that’s where its dangerous cause most of this people really think they arent like that and when it gets pointed out they get defensive. They take pride in something they think they are, but arent willing to listen and grow.

[aliceslantern]

Heartlines, a Kingdom Hearts fanfic, chapter 25-- Deconstruction/Reconstruction

Twelve years ago, Xemnas betrayed the royal court of Radiant Garden to his father, Xehanort. Prince Ienzo flees to another city and begins university in the aftermath, hoping the anonymity will protect him from eager eyes with ill intent. The darkness spilling across the country, as well as an individual from his past, cut short Ienzo's new beginning and bring new conflicts to light. Strained between the desires of his magic and his heart, Ienzo's choice will change him forever.

Modern Fantasy AU, Soulmates, Zemyx. Updates Fridays until it's done.

Chapter summary:  With Radiant Garden under control of the resistance, it's time to rebuild. Ienzo tries to repair the damage done to his family.

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

White sheets. Cool air. Color and light. He felt so heavy, and it took him a moment of grappling into consciousness to realize it was because he could barely move his legs.

“Ienzo? Love?”

Ienzo turned his head as much as he was able. He seemed to have motion in his upper body, but even that was difficult, like tugging on puppet strings. “Ev-even?” He swallowed.

“Would you like some water? I’ll get some. Don’t move.”

As if he could help it. Blurrily, he saw Even retreat to a corner of this room--the castle infirmary?--and pour water from a pitcher. He knew he should be grateful to still be sighted at all, after using so much magic. He squinted. Even handed him the cup; he could barely close his hand around it, but he managed it at last. Despite IV fluids, he was so thirsty .

“Are you in any pain? I can get you some medication if--”

“No. I’m not. But I can’t… it’s hard to move.”

“...I know.” Even smoothed some of the hair from Ienzo’s face. His own face was pale, pinched, a large bruise along his throat yellowing. “From the magic use. Breaking down a limiter of that strength… then triggering what you did… frankly, it’s a miracle you’re still alive.”

“Will I be like this… always?”

“I’m optimistic you’ll recover yet, but… there may be some lingering effects.”

“What’s happened? How long have I been out? Where’s Amalia? Where’s--?”

“One thing at a time, child. It’s imperative you remain calm.”

Ienzo tried to center himself, tried to take deep breaths. Even took his hand and rubbed it, gently.

“Amalia is safe and well. I suspect Ansem is enjoying having time with her. Once he received some blood replacement, Demyx was fine too. I’m sure he’ll be thrilled you’re awake. It was all rather… dramatic, how it went down. You’ve been unconscious close to three weeks.”

“Aeleus? ...Isa? What of… everything else? Xehanort’s forces? The son who called himself Ansem? He wasn’t in the throne room that day--”

Even’s eyes went blank, and he turned towards the window. “I’m afraid when I… felt your burst of magic--it was felt everywhere, Ienzo, I don’t think you understand--I assumed the worst and I--I did something reckless. He was our jailer, in my old labs, something he no doubt had great pleasure in. For the first time in my life… I acted on impulse.” He looked at his free hand, which was trembling. “I knew you were in trouble, and I--”

Ienzo had never heard Even sound so shaky. He choked down guilt. “You killed him.”

“...He was the gatekeeper.” He’d turned faintly green.

“Was that the first time you took a life?”

“It does not matter. It needed to happen either way.” He swallowed. “I made my way there, with ease. You killed every Heartless in the vicinity. Those that were human were knocked unconscious, or fled.”

“I… I did?”

“...Quite. The initial scouting indicates that… you may have slain every one in the city.”

“It was not conscious,” he admitted. “All I saw was that Demyx was bleeding out and the soulbinding reacted to all that--”

“--and the rush of emotions triggered magic. Of course it did.”

Ienzo lay back a little. “So without the three of them… and no Heartless…”

“The capital city’s under the control of the resistance.” But there was no happiness in his expression.

“Shouldn’t we be… glad? This is among the best case scenarios--”

“The sudden death of Xehanort and two of his sons has caused something like a power vacuum. The people don’t know how to react. There’s still darkness and various devotees of it spread throughout the country. Some states have turned over towards us, but others are… hesitant. Waiting to see might happen. And there are those who are outright fighting. Aeleus and Isa are among the front line, trying to see what can be done to restore order without worsening things. Meanwhile your father is trying to pursue international aid… and research better ways to defeat the darkness.”

“And of you?”

A pause. “I’ve been taking care of you.”

“I’m sure you’ll be relieved to go back to research, then.”

Even reached forward to smooth Ienzo’s hair. “To be truthful, it has been nice, to have this space to think. To consider.”

Ienzo understood. “...It’s alright if you’re upset, Even.”

“It is so silly , that I feel such guilt for killing one who’s killed thousands with his actions--but my feelings are not important.”

“I’m sure that’s not the case.” Ienzo struggled to sit up; Even adjusted the pillows under him. “So much for fighting back.”

“I think you’ve done enough. You must recover for what comes next.”

“Amalia. I need to see her.”

He hesitated.

“Please, Even.”

“...Quite.” He seemed to go a little deeper into himself. “Perhaps there will be one day when I’m not constantly in fear of your life.”

“I sincerely hope so.”

Ienzo watched him leave the room. He’d never seen Even so scattered before, so almost… unsure . Had something else happened he was not telling Ienzo, about the man calling himself Ansem? That bruise…

He hadn’t been conscious long, but he was already exhausted. He could still feel his legs, but moving was the problem. Perhaps he could get a wheelchair, and get around that way? He couldn’t seriously sit around and do nothing while all this fighting happened--

The door opened. In came Demyx, carrying their daughter. She’d gotten even bigger since Ienzo last saw her--another month he’d missed--and she was chewing on a teething ring. “Hey,” he said, softly. Like Even, his eyes were closed off.

“How do you feel?” Ienzo asked.

“Me? Oh, I’m fine. Ugly scar, but oh well, right? How are… you?” Amalia was staring at him, not with fear like before, but perhaps curiosity. Ienzo tried to reach out to her with his magic, but it was like swatting wet laundry; it didn’t come instantly to his call. So instead he reached out one trembling hand. She smiled and handed him the slimy teething ring. “Oh, sweetie, I’m sure daddy doesn’t want that.”

“Could I…” He wasn’t sure he was physically strong enough to hold her.

“Ah… sure.” Demyx pulled the chair closer to the bed and plopped her onto the mattress. “I’ve been… bringing her in here for a while every day. While daddy takes his long nap, right?”

She made a sound like “boo.”

“She talks.” Tears rose to his eyes.

“Well. Vocalizes.”

She clapped her hands together.

“And she can hold herself up.”

“She crawls, too. Ah--like that.” She had dragged herself almost across Ienzo’s lap. “I have a feeling she’ll be running before long.”

Amalia looked up at him and made a noise that could only be expressed as “?”

“Daddy,” Demyx said to her helpfully. “You remember now, yeah.”

“Baba.”

“Daddy. Good.” He smoothed the curls off her forehead.

Ienzo felt a rush of affection which was almost painful. “Look at you, big girl.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. She tugged at the sleeve of his robe. “Can you help me?” he asked Demyx.

“Sure.” He eased her into his lap. Amalia pressed her cheek against his chest. “See? Crisis averted.”

“I’m guessing the curls came from you.”

“The only time my hair was long enough to tell was when I was underwater, so.” He shrugged. Amalia gave him a toothless smile. “Look at you, happy girl.”

Ienzo noticed the difference in his voice when he spoke to the two of them. “Are you comfortable? Here?”

“Oh, yeah. Ansem set us up nice in your old room. If you don’t mind.”

“Why would I mind?”

Another shrug. “Oof, drool patrol.” He grabbed a tissue and dabbed at it. “She’s teething something wicked.”

“Maybe the next time you come you could bring me a book, so I could read to her.”

“She’d probably like that.”

Ienzo wrapped his arms loosely around her, and she let him. Feeling the warmth and weight of her--the subtle twitch of her limbs-- and hearing her little babbling eased this awful ache he’d had for so long. “I missed you,” he said to her. He kissed her head. “I missed you so much. I just… hope we can be a family now.”

“That would be nice,” he said softly. “Wouldn’t it?” The last part he repeated in a goofy voice, and Amalia laughed. “You think you’ll be okay?”

“Even’s optimistic. And I trust him.”

“He’s been up here almost constantly.”

“But the castle is… safe, for you two?”

“Oh, yeah. Magic users crawling out of the woodwork to help. I've still got some fight in me."

“I hope that soon I can be back on my feet, and start being a bigger part of her life.”

“One thing at a time.” Ienzo wondered if he was imagining the flatness in his eyes. “Isn’t that right, Li-li?”

---

It took Ienzo weeks to start feeling something resembling “normal.” For several nights the pain of his healing nerves kept him awake, but at least once it was through with he could limp around a little. He could play with Amalia a little more actively. Physical therapy made him somewhat stronger, and while he had to use a cane to walk more than a few steps, Even believed it would be gone before long.

Members of his family and the resistance ducked in and out. Ansem brought him books, briefed him on the situation as it developed. “Almost feels as though my skills to rule have grown rusty,” he admitted. “It is difficult to tell… which members of parliament left are lying, when they say they did not hold any allegiance towards Xehanort. I’m tempted to dissolve the whole thing and hold elections, but we simply can’t do so at the moment. Making sure our people are fed and safe and cared for is more important than politics at the moment. Thankfully the bordering nations have been kind enough to send along resources and medics.”

“I wish I could help,” Ienzo said. “Being here, waylaid and helpless --”

Ansem just patted his hand. “You jumpstarted a revolution, Ienzo,” he said.

“So I’m told, but I wonder if you all are exaggerating to salve my ego.”

The pat became more of a squeeze. “Control of Radiant Garden was crucial,” he said. “And you achieved that.”

“Only because Xehanort mortally wounded Demyx, and I reacted instinctively--were it not for that my whole plan would’ve collapsed--”

“Ienzo. Why are you being hard on yourself?”

He felt tears in his eyes. “These past six months… I’ve been sitting here in luxury playing silly mind games while my daughter grew up without me, while the rest of you suffered. ”

“You did the best you could with what you had--and you did pretty damn well. This guilt is pointless, Ienzo.”

“I… I know.”

“We are together now. We will rebuild. And I hope things will be better than they were before.”

He sniffled. “Is it over? Can it just be over?”

Ansem drew him into an embrace.

---

Spring began in earnest. Ienzo realized one morning as he woke in the infirmary that the lingering smell of darkness that had hung over Radiant Garden was gone, and a fresh rain brought in the sea air. He no longer needed the cane, but he tired easily, and his legs still ached tremendously. Once he was well enough, he insisted that he be more involved in the reconstruction, insofar as he could.

There was the reality of Xehanort’s youngest son’s experiments. Ienzo had purged the Heartless, but the poor people who had not been transformed were instead traumatized and in some cases catatonic. While there were doctors and psychologists willing to help them, it was hard to tell if they could be helped. Ansem organized national days of mourning for those who had been lost, and released the lists of names so families could have closure. The youngest son had kept meticulous records.

He asked community leaders to come forward with ideas as to help their nation move on. Darkness still existed; but now that people had hope, they were more willing to fight. That, and with the darkness easing, they were getting early signs that the planet could still heal. Ienzo swore he could feel its pulse, its life reaching up to his magic. He wished he did not feel so powerless.

“We don’t want things to go back to the way they were,” Ansem said in a broadcast. “Clearly, “normal” meant “suffering” for some. Darkness… only made that pain more obvious. If we wish to maintain the light, we must heal one another.”

Finally, Ienzo was well enough to go back to his rooms, and begin repairing his family… because it was going to take a lot of work. Amalia was more familiar with him, more comfortable, but still she always looked towards Demyx when she needed something.

And there was the matter of… Demyx.

At first Ienzo thought the distance between them was all paranoia on his part, but it became clear in the way Demyx spoke to him, especially when it came to their daughter. “You dressed her in that? She hates that one, it’s itchy against her scales.” “Sure. You can do that. I guess.” “Look, I know you’re trying, but strawberries give her gas .” “You let her nap too long. Now she’s not going to sleep through the night.” That, and the flatness in his eyes. It wasn’t openly unfriendly, but it lacked the warmth that they’d had before.

More straining than this, in some ways, was sharing a bed. Ienzo had honestly been looking forward to reconnecting on a physical level--he hoped it would help him sleep the deep way he had when they lived together--but that first night Demyx just rolled onto his side and fell asleep. He let it go a few nights, wondering if it were just a pain of readjustment, if he were just used to sleeping alone. Finally, he just got fed up and crawled over to spoon him, jerking him out of his sleep. “What are you--?”

“Trying to touch you?”

“Well could you please not?”

For a moment there was just silence.

Demyx exhaled heavily and ran his hand through his hair. “Look, I… I’m sorry for snapping. But I… I’m not comfortable .”

Ienzo swallowed and felt a lump in his throat. “Would you prefer I slept elsewhere?”

“No, it’s… it’s fine.”

Ienzo eased back to his side of the bed. He knew he would not be able to sleep. As it was, he was struggling not to cry.

The next day they behaved as normally as they could in front of their daughter, but when Ansem came and asked if he could spend some time with her, Ienzo agreed before Demyx could get a word in edgewise. “We need to talk,” Ienzo said.

Demyx wrinkled his nose. “Do we have to?”

“Yes. We do.” Ienzo was surprised to feel his temper flare, but he kept it in check. “Look, we’re… we’re parents, and we’re soulmates . A lot has happened, and you have a right to feel the way you do. But that can’t begin to heal if we keep ignoring it.”

He seemed to not know what to say.

“How do you feel, Demyx?” Ienzo asked.

He rubbed at his arm. “I feel like… I feel…” He swallowed. “Something’s just wrong ? With me?”

“You’re processing.”

“Not that. I don’t know. For a long time I just missed you so much it hurt, and I didn’t know how I was going to do any of it, be her dad, or…” He trailed off, a flush darkening his face. “And then I saw you again, and you were alive, and I was so happy and so relieved and I don’t know what happened since then. Something’s wrong.”

A suspicion slid into place, and Ienzo’s voice shook when he asked, “wrong how ?”

Tears flooded his eyes. “I don’t feel anything. When I look at you. You’re the father of my child. But it’s just… I feel like… I was meant to be her dad, but… I don’t know if I’m meant to be with you?” His voice quivered and broke. “I want to. I want to be in love with you again. But I…”

“I think I understand,” Ienzo said woodenly.

Demyx hesitated. He stared at Ienzo for a moment, and then he took a few steps forward and kissed him, hard.

And it was different.

Physically, it felt the same, the way they moved together. But it was just a nice kiss, without the heavy reassurance that yes , this is part of you, everything is safe, everything is okay.

In his mind’s eye, Ienzo saw Xehanort gouging him below the heart. “Oh,” he said softly.

“What’s wrong with me, Ienzo? Am I just depressed?”

“No,” he said. Numbly, he pulled away.

“...What?”

And then he started laughing.

“ What ?”

Once he began, he couldn’t stop, until tears were running down his face, and he couldn’t breathe, and somewhere the gasps of laughter became sobs, and he was curled in a ball on the floor. He felt Demyx’s hand on his back, warm but the touch was so wrong .

“Ienzo. What is it?”

He looked up. “Xehanort broke the soulbound.”

[vegannaise]

boys deserve love

i started realizing around 16 that i wasn’t cis. i flipflopped back and forth between different nonbinary identities, occasionally wondering (in private) if i was just simply a boy. i was already out as gay, and people already regarded me as a “tomboy”, so that helped alleviate some of my teenage discomfort.

I didn’t date a lot in highschool, partially because i was incredibly intimated by girls, partially because boys didnt pay too much romantic attention to me, and probably a little bit because i had 0 interest in sex all throughout my teenage years.

when i was 17 i had my first “serious” relationship. it was with a boy that coerced me into hooking up with him while i was nearly black out drunk (wow,, what a catch right???!!! thats a whole different story). as sad as this is, i finally felt like my existence was valid. i felt like i had finally achieved this unspoken goal of having someone love me in a romantic way, having someone find me desirable. i was happy for the first time in years.

of course, i was still trans and in the closet during all of this. one night, i was completely swallowed by my dysphoria. i was either on the floor or in front of the mirror crying because of how my body looked. i even ended up giving myself a stick n poke to avoid self harming. Mason (boy in question) was texting me throughout this, i think i had told him i wasn’t feeling good, but i didn’t want to tell him why. he eventually pressured me into telling him what was wrong, and i told him “i dont like my body. i want my body to be a different body. i want to have a BOYS body”.

for just a second, i pictured myself years in the future with a flat chest and stubble and a deep voice, my arms around Mason, who still loved me even though he was “straight” and i had transitioned.

sadly, this fantasy was violently ripped away as soon as i came back to reality. Mason had responded with clear discomfort, saying he wasn’t gay. i told him i knew he wasn’t gay, but wouldn’t he still love me for me??? i would still be the same person, so wouldn’t he still love me????? to which he prompty responded, firmly and bluntly, that if i were to transition and call myself a boy, he would break up with me.

this experience made me go back into the closet for 2 years.

fast forward to when i was 19, i was in a relationship with a transguy. since i grew up in a tiny homophobic town i was never able to date another trans person, and most likely put this person (lets call them...... Pickle) on a big ol’ pedestal because of that. Pickle had been out as trans for almost 5 years, and had been on T almost just as long. they were the first person to tell me that nonbinary people can be trans. they were the first person to actually make me feel seen and valid as not only a trans person, but as a boy.

i ended up coming out to them, in tears, as a transguy. i still felt really confused, i was a boy but didnt really feel connecting to masculinity. i wanted nothing more than to be a pretty boy but recoiled at seeing myself as a Man™. even though that relationship was incredibly toxic, Pickle supported me unconditionally through getting on hormones, they even bought me a new binder. they were the support i had desperately needed.

we had been dating for 8 months when i left town for a few days. something seemed off when i would text them, it felt like something was wrong, but they werent telling me what. Pickle was staying with me at the time, so i saw them as soon as i came back. they said they had something to tell me.

they told me that while i was out of town, they had had a major identity crisis, and realized that she was actually a butch lesbian. of course, i gave her a giant hug, i told her i loved her and that i was so happy she had figured this out about herself. thats when she started talking about us.

she told me that since she was a lesbian and i was a boy, we had to break up; as if this shouldve been obvious to me...... it wasn’t. as she sat there telling me things like “i still love you” and “and i wish things could be different” we both cried. a lot. i still couldnt wrap my head around what was happening. here she was, telling me she wishes things were different so we can be together, why couldnt we just be together as is??? if you want to be with someone, why does it matter if they’re a boy or a girl??? especially when you’ve already been together for 8 months??? it felt like it had a lot more to do with other peoples perceptions of us, it wasn’t because i was a boy, it was because she didnt think she’d be seen as a lesbian dating a genderqueer boy.

the next day i confronted her about this. i was so confused, i had given myself a headache and multiple panic attacks trying to figure out what the fuck i was feeling. she told me that she felt like we should break up anyway, that her realizing shes a lesbian was just “the final nail in the coffin”. i found myself even more hurt and confused than before. id told Pickle all about Mason, how i went back in the closet because i was scared of him leaving me. i told her about all the shame i had accumulated over the course of my relationship with Mason. despite her knowing all this, she still decided to scapegoat our own identities, rather than just own up to the fact that our relationship was falling apart already.

this experience made me question my entire identity, the identity i had JUST started feeling valid in. this experience made me eventually stop taking hormones. this experience made me feel more invaild and undesirable than ever before.

during this time, i started to also ID myself as a (nonbinary) lesbian. i had felt my attraction to men dwindle, and i was grappling with my attraction to women. but more than anything else, i convinced myself that being a boy = being hated. looking “like a boy” = being ugly and undesirable. not only did this feed into terf rhetoric, but its a result of being told my whole life that my worth is directly tied to my level of attractiveness, and that no one would find me attractive if i looked the way i wanted to.

it felt so much easier to stay how i was. all i wanted was to be seen as queer, and since people already read me as a lesbian, i might as well just settle for that, right? at least people would get it. at least people would see me.

i’m 22 now, and ive really only just started to deconstruct these things and unlearn my internalized transphobia and self hatred. about 6 months ago i started calling myself a boy and using he/him pronouns again, and for once i actually feel safe. for once i actually have a good support network. for once i actually feel seen. for once i actually feel loved.

to anyone who actually bothered to read this all the way through: healing is not linear and our identities sure as shit arent. if you’re in the closet right now, or if you’re questioning your gender/sexuality for the first or fifth or tenth time: i see you. i love you. you are so valid in your fear and confusion. the world still actively hates LGBT people, and that internalized fear is so real and deserves to be acknowledged, but please believe me when i say that there ARE people out there who hold the deepest love, appreciation, and camaraderie for you, even if you dont know them yet. your existence as an LGBT person in this world is inherently radical, please don’t ever forget that.

[irmacornelia]

30 Days of WITCHversary - 14-18

This week was hectic so Im dumping the last few days all at once.

Ahhh the shit-talking ones, I adore WITCH, but boy do I have some salt.

14- Something that irked you

I have to say the biggest thing is the fact that there simply wasn’t enough dragons, especially past the 2nd arc. Their power origin is dragons(until the late-series retcon nonsense), the motif is ‘you are something more than human now’, and then???? nothing? They forsook the ‘you are not fairies, you are not witches, you are something more ancient, strange, and lovely’ stuff and went sparkle fairy. Oof ouch the retcons.

Dragons all over the four dragons issue, dragons on the restaurant, Nerissa’s panel here? dragon.

This isnt something that the comic is guilty of only either, the show is guilty of it too, and they had no excuse, the comic was already out pretty far, and they wanted a show that appealed to boys, so why didn’t they go all in???

There were dragons on Taranee’s laptop when they talked about quintessence, there were dragons in the origins episode, there was dragons in the Phobos fight, in the one where Nerissa tries to take Earths Heart the first time, and there was the mention in the last episode, but did we see anymore dragons? Especially as their Zenith forms which I’ve complained about before was the PERFECT opportunity to tie in the motif? No.

There should have been way more dragon flavor.

Some dragon-shaped auras, the zenith deus ex transformation should have been dragons, Id have even taken totally western dragons, just,,, pls. More dragons emblazoned on coats and people referring to them as dragons. Maybe have part of Phobo’s goal be becoming a dragon. IDK just toss more in there!

And why did they strip the dragons out in the later arcs? My answer is Marketing. Things needed to be pink and sparkly or they are seen as encroaching on different demographis, and not sellable, as CEOs love the minmaxing. Dragons aren’t considered cute, for some reason, and so they had to go. That cash cow was primed to be power-milked until it died. And well. It did.

Im not saying that the shift in priorities from juicy dragon-flavored undertone creeping horror of being uninformed newly minted child soldiers against their will to sparkily faerie idols who do magic sometimes and smooch a lot of boys totally killed it but... Well... 

You know.

You can tell im salty about this, and have been salty about this for over a decade, can’t you.

15- Something that needs a quick fix

In the beginning issues, some of the wording implies the only worlds are Meridian, which is just basically hell, Kandrakar, which is basically heaven, and Earth, and no other worlds. Which is all well and dandy, except.... 2 arcs later that stops being the case.

Change that, because it goes off the rails from that view so fast its not even funny. The simplistic, ‘Meridian evil lizards, Kandrakar good glowing green immortal gods or whatever’ can stay, I guess, because its part of the deconstruction of the ‘evil’ world and ‘good’ world, with Earth as the purgatory thing that media does but just. Right from the start say ‘multiverse’ ‘many worlds’ ‘many dimensions’ one or any of those. It would be just the tiniest, but most wonderful continuity fix.

Just a couple word changes, no panels need to be changed at all.

Something that needs an overhaul

The retcons and plotholes in general. Ive spat quite a bit of salt about the retcons and plotholes already but. WITCH has an undeniable plothole and retcon problem. I love WITCH more than anything, but oh man. It has that one glaring, unfixable flaw.

There are regular adaption plotholes in the cartoon (Biggest one- Why did Yan Lin not give them lessons on how to fight, negotiate, what powers they have and can grow to have, the species that live on Earth and Meridian, a primer into the history of Kandrakar and the other worlds when she was ALIVE to give them?? They didn’t have them and didn’t know anything in the comic, because she DIED and Kandrakar wasn’t gonna go shit for WITCH! They were ALONE!) but oh no, im talking about the comic more than anything.

Everything contradicts itself just. So Much.

It would be fine if it were an american-style comic where each run is its own canon, but its trying to be serial and im dying squirtle.

Decide whether their wings are stylized feathers or butterfly wings or what (in ONE chapter book they changed the canon 3 times!!). 

Decide whether dragons are their powers or not, how their powers even work, what time of year and how old they are judging from the canonical minimum of days that have passed, how serious their job of defending the universe is. Pick a set of truths and stick with them!!!! Twists are ok and you can change the focus and tone over time but you cant just. Kick out established truths and replace them with shit that makes previous nonsense invalid. The overhaul needs to chose their truths BEFORE they start and then stick with it the whole way through!

And their truths they say and then never talk about why they came about need to be de-plotholed. Kandrakar has a noninterference policy? Why? What the fuck does that mean and how come they can send the guardians then? Kandrakar commands the dragons, yeah? Ok, why do they leave them alone all first arc. Matt was part of Kandrakar? Yeah, why didnt he train them into the dirt and not tell them anything whatsoever? Why did he base his relationship with Will on a den of lies that totally shit on his character before that arc????

What it needs to get this overhaul is just a total reboot that takes all these truths and plots, and makes them one cohesive thing.

Only problem. I dont want this fandom getting The V0ltr0n Treatment. I couldnt bear it, to have it get really popular and be filled with people who think its ok to threaten VAs and suicide bait and viciously bully people for daring to have redemption arcs in their fics. I don’t want this place to become a place of fear, I dont want to have the cozy atmosphere be transformed into a hectic high-traffic disk horse zone, even if it gets us an official Perfect WITCH Cartoon.

So no matter how much I want WITCH to have this flawless unfucking of the plotholes... I think I’ll be content with it the way it is.

17 - Something that needs to be revisited 

CHYKN

P… ple ase,,, give me flashback arc.

Previous guardians can give us padding arcs until the writers figure out how to plot the main stuff, previous guardians can give us worldbuilding, previous guardians can give us backstory for characters we have met, and can give us villains that feel connected to the current plot.

How neat would it be if we had an issue following Kadma and halinor setting up their magic Illuminati? 

How neat would it be if we had Luba and Yan Lin working together while Yan Lin was still active?

How neat would it be if we got a more in-depth Nerissa origins story, complete with what she plans to do after she stamps all over Kandrakar for the inhumane 40+ years of solitary confinement?

How wonderful, storywise, it would be to have villains and allies who knew past guardians, howevermany cycles back, to see and hear of guardians before, and how they failed, but this time, WITCH wont?

Day 18 - Something that needs more love from the fandom

Hi Yes Have You Heard The Good News Of The Four Dragons And Xin Jing?

Dragons,,,,, good. Please let us make more dragon content.

I am a biased dragon who wants more dragon things, yes. I am aware.

But oh, I cant be one of like 3 people writing dragon AUs. I mean, considering the fandom size, thats like a whole 3% but You Know.

‘What fan content do you want to see more of?’ Dragons. Always dragons no matter the fandom or appropriateness of giant flying lizards.

Everything is improved with dragons.

[frownyfacehuman]

emotion: apathy

I am writing this entry because I have precisely nothing to say. my brain feels like it is engulfed in a thick layer of fog, and if i could remove it from my head, and massage it thoroughly to make it anew, i would.  i have lost a sense of self and do not have any strong motivations at the moment other than to discover something i can deem my purpose. i wrote a paper about why it is detrimental to the self to identify strongly with anything, for it may lead to the perpetuation of realities that one is simply accustomed to rather than consciously choosing. yet, here I am, in the direct middle of a pool i have created for myself where the water is actually an endless ambiguity that i have personally fabricated by attempting to deconstruct my own identity. and it is kind of good and super meta, but also it is really empty-feeling. i thought and thought about self-concept for a long time and now i no longer identify with the person i see in the mirror, due to the fact that ive come to associate morality with selflessness, and to partake in vanity, to have inclinations and biases, to tend to one’s self-image, are all acts that i growingly resent myself for doing. it is like a mindset in which doing genuinely anything is theoretically embarrassing and vain, because unless it is a super simple human activity then it proabably doesn’t speak to the ~true essence~ of this human, who somehow found themself caught up in some really nuanced “identity” and “self”. but, you gotta do stuff so you do it anways and try to get enjoyment from it as much as possible. often you have fun. but you feel like an alien to your life sometimes. perhaps the fun is the self, because joy is true. this kind of outlook for me had been not all-bad, because it can lead to a feeling of being completely light, and appreciating things in their entirety; objective observation of life is more easily accessed when the body is seen as simply a tool rather than a full-fledged branded “self” with a name and everything. this outlook may sound kind of like dissociation and therefore be perceived negatively, yet i see nothing wrong with a refusal to agree and act in accordance with every narrative thrown at us about our own selves and who we are supposed to be that are fed to us by the universe; and this narrativizing is disproportionate and biased and weird, and it all depends on how we look, who we talk to, and where and when we are. so apathy can be a good thing or a bad thing, it is simply the absence of an inherent outlook that serves as a lens through which everything encountered is understood. it is disinterest driven by profound ambivalence towards everything. indifference is nothing if not true. i am numb but at least i am not delusionally subscribed to this bizarre world’s selection of truths we are given to choose from. so many identities are literally tropes. and you meet someone who is a perfect re-creation of a widespread trope, and you are like, firstly, astonished that they are not kidding all, and secondly, curious what this person could have been had they not allowed themself to become completely shaped by external influence and devoid of theirself beyond the fact of them being a product of their environment. there is nothing wrong with this other than it perhaps being shallow, yet in life there is no reward for being “deep”, and artists and philosophers are very often unhappy. the thing is though, there is no way to get rid of this apathy without kidding oneself, unless something extremely true finds you and pulls you out of yourself like a magician with a tablecloth. you cannot make yourself into a character and write yourself a life, rather you have to wait to somehow find yourself in a story without having even realized it as it happened. my main goal these days is to invite something to come and pull me out, swiftly, from my state of overthinking and ontological confusion. i want my story to grab me. i want to find something honest at the core of my being that would oppose apathy but be too deeply rooted to be so put-on. authenticity. it is a big deal. if i wanted to make myself into something i could, but i do not want to. i want something to make me into me, and i do not know what that something is yet, and i do not know what that “me” is yet. so i wait, in apathetic boredom, for life to bring forth my actively engaged most true self. tick fucking tock............. covid nineteen exacerbates this problem alot because it prevents me from going out into the world and experiencing all of it in order to truly know my self through observing my own reactions to my environment. there is hypothetically an alternate version of me who has been living in a covid free world all this time who has a very strong sense of self and the worst part about it is that i dont even know what she would be like. 

[getanattitude]

What Sports Can Teach Us About fire inside music

“The greater you dig into a bit of Ives, the more pleasure you get from it,” the pianist Jeremy Denk explained a short while ago, sitting down in a piano in the rehearsal Place for the Juilliard University. “It’s like resolving a puzzle.”

Then he enthusiastically deconstructed Ives’s “Concord” Sonata, untangling and detailing the themes and motifs embedded within the intricate textures of the interesting score.

Mr. Denk is about to launch a disc, “Jeremy Denk Performs Ives” (Assume Denk Media), that includes two piano sonatas, an esoteric choice of repertory for just a debut solo album. But then, there's nothing generic concerning this adventurous musician. His vivacious intellect is manifest the two in his actively playing and on his weblog, Think Denk, an outlet for astute musical observations and witty musings, no matter if a lament about inedible meatballs or maybe a spoof job interview with Sarah Palin.

Mr. Denk will reveal his far more mainstream credentials when he performs Liszt’s Piano Concerto No. 1 with Charles Dutoit as well as Philadelphia Orchestra commencing on Thursday in the Kimmel Heart in Philadelphia and on Oct. twelve at Carnegie Hall.

Mr. Denk argues that the Ives sonatas, composed early from the 20th century, are mistakenly categorized as avant-garde performs in lieu of “epic Passionate sonatas with Lisztian thematic transformations.” Towards the informal listener, the audio that Mr. Denk describes during the CD booklet as “amazing, creative, tender, edgy, wild, original, witty, haunting” can absolutely seem avant-garde. Ives, who manufactured his living in the coverage enterprise, integrated jazz, riffs on Beethoven and American hymns, marches and folks songs into his daringly experimental piano sonatas, full of polytonality, thematic layering and rhythmic complexity.

“It’s so splendidly in-your-facial area,” Mr. Denk stated, demonstrating a very maniacal passage within the “Concord” Sonata. “It’s also rather surprisingly ugly. There is something maddening about his sense of humor. Ives is consistently thumbing his nose at you in a way.”

But Mr. Denk implies that Ives’s tenderness, which he illuminates beautifully With this recording, is underappreciated. “Ives is commonly about items recalled,” he reported, “or Recollections or visions fetched out of some complicated spot.”

He performed the harmonically misty passages in the second movement of the “Concord,” exactly where Ives directs that a bit of Wooden be pressed around the upper keys to provide a cluster chord. “It doesn’t come to feel gimmicky in any way to me,” Mr. Denk explained. “It’s all blues in The underside. Ives understood how to use Those people very little clichéd bits of Americana in a method that quickly will get your gut. You are able to’t imagine how touching it's.”

Mr. Denk, 40, has actually been passionate about Ives since his undergraduate times at Oberlin in Ohio, the place he carried a double important in piano functionality and chemistry. “My entire double diploma experience was fairly of a constant freakout of 1 type of A further,” he reported.

He were a “genuinely nerdy high school college student” which has a restricted social lifestyle, he reported. “At any time given that I was a kid I planned to go to Oberlin and required the liberal arts. Definitely I actually get intense enjoyment out of drawing connections involving items and poems and literature and concepts.”

Mr. Denk described himself being a “exercise maniac,” but his horizons have extended significantly outside of the apply room given that Oberlin. Although nibbling an infinite bit of chocolate product pie at an Upper West Facet diner close to the condominium he has rented considering the fact that all over 1999, Mr. Denk referred to his web site, contacting it “an incredibly good outlet to release tensions of 1 variety or Yet another.” He explained it experienced drawn new listeners to his concert events. An avid reader of liberal political weblogs, Mr. Denk dreams of crafting a classical music version of Wonkette, he said, but that would be not easy to do with no offending individuals. And he tries to steer clear of offending persons, he extra, even though he did not too long ago article a rant about software notes.

Mr. Denk, who calls himself “an actual Francophile,” is tender-spoken but extreme, his conversation peppered with references to numerous “obsessions”: espresso, Ives, Bach, Proust, Baudelaire and Emerson.

He went off on “a Balzac mania” a several years in the past, he explained.

“That was a perilous time, and every thing in everyday life appeared drawn away from a Balzac novel,” he extra. “I lost about a few decades of my life to Proust. I’m absolutely sure it transformed all the things, such as my enjoying.

“In the future my manager was like, ‘Dude, It's important to target your job and receiving your things alongside one another.’ ” At that point, Mr. Denk said, “I had been bringing Proust to conferences.” He added: “I’m not sure I really had a job route. I used to be just carrying out my Bizarre detail, which possibly gave the look of a disastrous nonroute to a lot of the folks who had been seeing around me. I don't forget some exasperated meetings with my administration, Nonetheless they were quite affected individual and devoted, which I’m insanely grateful for.”

Mr. Denk grew up in Las Cruces, N.M., amongst two brothers, a son of tunes-loving nonmusician mom and dad. His father, who may have a doctorate in chemistry, has long been (at distinct occasions) a Roman Catholic monk plus a director of Laptop or computer science at New Mexico State University.

Mr. Denk stays hooked on the chili peppers of Las Cruces, he explained, seemingly only 50 % joking: “The pink along with the eco-friendly and The entire spirituality of chili peppers. It’s nonetheless a big Component of my lifetime. Once i go dwelling I drop by this genuine dive and obsess over their green meat burrito.”

When not on tour, Mr. Denk spends time along with his boyfriend, Patrick Posey, a saxophonist along with the director of orchestral routines and preparing at Juilliard, wherever Mr. Denk acquired his doctorate, researching with Herbert Stessin. Mr. Stessin recollects possessing been amazed by “the maturity and depth” of Mr. Denk’s playing and remembers him as “a unprecedented student who absorbed factors extremely rapidly.”

Mr. Denk stated he “was at school eternally” right until “at some time I chose to believe in my very own instincts.” Now he teaches double-diploma undergraduates in the Bard College Conservatory of Audio. The pianist Allegra Chapman, who studied with him, said he was “concerned with a great deal over the notes over the site, generally bringing up literary and historical references.”

“Now I try to approach songs within a additional holistic standpoint,” she included. “He may be very passionate. He accustomed to jump across the place and bounce about and wave his arms. It absolutely was actually exciting. He tried to get me to consider the new music having a sense of humor.”

This blend of passion, humor and intellect, so vivid in each Mr. Denk’s enjoying and his producing, is what distinguishes him, in accordance with the violinist Joshua Bell. The two have been frequent duo companions considering the fact that 2004, once they executed on the Spoleto Competition United states.

“You can get the intellectual musicians or people that use their coronary heart on their own sleeve with no great deal of musical believed,” Mr. Bell claimed, “but Jeremy manages to perform each, and that’s great. We've got loads of arguments in rehearsal, which happens to be the enjoyment component in addition. The very fact we don’t normally see eye to eye retains things refreshing and helps make me question anything I do.”

Mr. Bell, whose possibilities of repertory are usually far more standard than Individuals of his more adventurous colleague, said he wasn’t normally an Ives supporter: “Using a whole lot of modern music I’m a little wary. In spite of Ives, till I heard Jeremy. He just provides it alive. He has this kind of a great imagination, and absolutely nothing is finished randomly.”

Ives’s piano sonatas, Mr. Denk said, “are in a method like animals that don’t wish to be tamed.”

“Each individual effectiveness really should be so different,” he added, just one cause he was originally hesitant to history them. Like Bach, he stated, Ives leaves a whole lot into the performer’s creativeness.

A wonderful interpretation in the “Goldberg” Variations at Symphony Room in 2008 exposed Mr. Denk’s profound affinity with Bach. Mr. Denk will carry out the do the job and Textbooks 1 and a couple of of Ligeti’s Études at Zankel Corridor on Feb. 16.

To maintain the “Goldberg” Variants clean, Mr. Denk is incorporating new fingerings, he claimed, “to reactivate the connection involving my brain and my fingers After i’m taking part in it.”

“I think it’s a real magical put when you have the muscle memory,” he additional, “even so the Mind is forward in the fingers.”

Switching the fingerings is one way to steer clear of regime, he explained. “I get authentic satisfaction away from crafting in a extremely great fingering. It truly is like relearning the piece, and it would make you not choose any Take note without any consideration.”

The musical philosophy Mr. Denk relates to Bach, Ives and various repertory is maybe most effective summed up in that site publish on plan notes: “I’ve hardly ever been an enormous fan from the ‘Imagine how innovative this piece was when it absolutely was composed’ faculty of inspiration. For my revenue, it ought to be innovative now. (And it is.) No matter what else the composer might have intended, he or she didn’t want you to think, ‘Boy, that must are actually cool back again then.’ The most simple compositional intent, the absolute ur-intent, is you play it now, you ensure it is transpire now.”

[hotelbones]

Deconstructing New Games

There are a lot of misconceptions about The New Games Movement it seems. Everyone that talks or writes about the time knows that there is a history of the games being somehow formed to protest the Vietnam war and its military technologies, but really the specifics of the movement always seem to be changing with a new person’s story.

Here are some of the tellings of The New Games Movement:

From The New Games Book (1976)

“When Stewart investigated how and why people play together, he saw in games the potential for another such tool. ‘Changing games seemed to me to be a useful thing to do, a way to be, a set of meta-strategies to learn.’”

“I felt that American combat was being pushed as far away as the planet would allow, becoming abstract and remote. It suggested to me that there was something wrong with our conflict forms here.”

In 1966 the War Resisters League at San Francisco State College asked Stewart to stage a public event with them. Stewart created an activity that would let the players understand war and appreciate it by experiencing the source of it themselves. He called the event World War IV.

In 1966 pacifists and war protesters were opposed to warfare in any form and repressed their own feelings of anger. Stewart wanted to create a game that allowed them to express that aggression. Stewart created the game Slaughter to create an intense experience to release the aggression.

This is also where Stewart brought the Earthball from his experience in Army bootcamp training.

“There are two kinds of people in the world: those who want to push the Earth over the row of flags at that end of the field, and those who want to push it over the fence at the other end. Go to it.”

From these experiences Stewart conceived of “softwar”, the idea that people could design their conflicts to suit everyone’s needs. Stewart designed softwar as conflict which is regionalized, refereed, and cushioned. Which he made a point of making similar to sports.

George Leonard was interested in “creative play”: the experience of a player placed in an open environment and encouraged to use their imagination to devise new play forms.

George: “Sports represent a key joint in any society. How we play the game may be more important than we imagine, for it signifies nothing less than our way of being in the world.”

George and Stewart presented their new games and theories at the Esalen Sports Center in 1973

Around this time Pat Farrington joined the New Games movement and created the idea of the “soft touch” inspired by the “softwar”

“Games are not so much a way to compare our abilities as a way to celebrate them.” “I felt by reexamining the basic ideas of play, we could involve families, groups, and individuals in a joyous recreation experience that creates a sense of community and personal expression.”

The New Games tournament was to be held on two consecutive weekends on October 1973 in Gerbode Preserve. The New Games Tournament was the first public event held on the preserve.

The funds for the tournament came from POINT, a non-profit distributing the proceeds from The Whole Earth Catalog.

Anyone who challenged another to a weird event was encouraged.

What came from The New Games movement changed from something of a Vietnam protest into a therapeutic form of playing games that was deemed to therapeutically releasing the aggression from the players.

“The New Games is attempting to bring people into harmony with their environment once again.” As the preserve was left the way it was and people were free to explore the outdoor space.

While the thinking of New Games was not unique to the New Games Movement, it did begin to form as an event after the first New Games Tournament as Pat and Ray began to name themselves as New Games Staff

New Games started to be implemented in government parks as a way to modernize and bring more of the public out. The New Games staff also started going to low income areas to play such as Visitacion Valley in San francisco.

The first New Games Tournament was mostly white, middle aged, men. The second New Games Tournament was designed to bring people from many different backgrounds. The staff worked with various organizations to create more accessibility options such as free buses.

The second New Games Tournament left the New Games Foundation in a $25,000 deficit.

The third New Games tournament was inside of San Francisco and retracted the admission price. Now anyone could join and play without any restriction. From miscellaneous sources:

The New Games Movement wasn’t a collective of people, it was a line of thinking that came out of the 70s. A good example is looking at the Esalen Sports Center in 1973. This center had some people that are repeatedly referenced in relation to the New Games Movement, but it also had a lot of other people who were thinking about similar things such as Michael Murphy (Author of Golf in the Kingdom), football player David Meggyesy, sports coach Bob Kriegel and running coach Mike Spino. The program included a session of yoga-tennis, a demonstration of Murphy’s own version of Frisbee, tai chi and aikido workshops, a talk on the exploration of movement using hula hoops, and several of Stuart Brand’s games: Slaughter and boffing.  (Getting Loose: Lifestyle Consumption in the 1970’s by Sam Binkley)

 “The Esalen revolution paralleled efforts in the Bay Area to come up with recreational forms that were aimed at the recovery of intimacy through games focused on ritual violations of social distance that called on trust, play, and bodily touching , often players who were not familiar with each other. These games infused the countercultural sense of play with a therapeutic project of self-development and learning.” (Getting Loose: Lifestyle Consumption in the 1970’s by Sam Binkley)

“They’ve been called earth games, free games, and liberated games.” – NYT December 5

   “Some of them [the games] are brand new. Some of them have been played for hundreds of years. Many can be played competitively, with lots of opportunity for skill and strategy. Others have no object, really, besides getting people together and enjoying each other.”

“You can choose to compete because competition is fun, not because you’re concerned with who wins. If you’ve all played hard and enjoyed it, then you’ve all won. You can change the rules if you don’t like them. So long as you all agree on what’s fair, you can make the game into whatever you want it to be.” (Community valued over the game)

“New Games is for everyone who wants to play. You sex, age, or size doesn’t determine you ability to have fun. And if everyone keeps in mind that the people are the most important part of the game, then no one has to be afraid of being hurt.”

“All you need are a few of your friends and the desire to celebrate the day with play.“

Looking at some of the New Games:

Tweezli-Whop

In Tweezli-Whop two players pretty much just fill sacks and beat the heck out of each other (whopping) while balancing on a rail.  There is no winning condition with Tweezli-Whop, but maybe it’s easy to imagine a version of this game where people are trying to hit each other off of the rail. But, as with many New Games the rules are malleable and it suggests versions where there is no rail at all. It instead focuses on the whopping, and states that it is a terrific way to work out tensions. This is something that I am suspecting will show through many of the New Games, is ways for bodies to act out body movements and touch that are typically repressed from day to day.

Also its important to note that this game came from Wyoming, as many of the New Games came from a variety of different places. It’s interesting that the New Games took this game from Wyoming and made it one across the US that is now played in classrooms.

       Boffing

This is one that is mentioned most of the times Stewart Brand is mentioned in the New Games Movement. A boffer is a custom made object for Boffing. It looks kind of like a practice fencing tool, however it is custom for boffing. This activity also suggests that players have protective eye and ear guards as well. Then both people start to hit each other with the sword. I imagine this game becomes a bit more strategical as you play with each other; Dodging, parrying and more. After the rules have been described in the book, the original rules that were made for the game are given. This is so that the players understand that base of the game, but don’t feel pressed to follow the original, more strict rules.

In the original rules of Boffing, there are certain points of the body that give points to the players. This adds more built in strategy into the game.

Today, boffing has become the word associated with the physical weaponry battles of LARPing and soft-combat. This also seems to have created a culture of a lot of white dudes, interested in a sort of throw back to medieval historical appreciation. Here is a video that I think says a lot: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOyOk6dNuHY

        Schmerltz

Schmerltz is less of a game and more of an object. You take a sponge rubber softball, like one of the cheap ones you get with plastic baseball sets and put it inside of a tube sock. The game here is “Schmerltz Toss” which involves twirling the Schmerltz around underhand and then letting it go when it reaches a critical velocity. Then the person who it is being tossed to has to catch it by the tail. Unlike the normal game of catch, Schmerltz Toss asks the players to put a more intensive physical action into the throw, and with the irregular catching involving a sort of alligator snap it becomes more difficult.

There are two ways the Schmerltz continues to be used today. In camp extracurriculars, and as a continued legacy through Bernie De Koven. When schmerltz is searched on the internet, loads of summer camp websites come up, including missionary training camps as well. However, when finding websites where De Koven continues to keep the Schmerltz legacy going, he is referring to the object for games to continue being soft, instead of being possible hurtful.

Apparently, this was invented by a person named Peter Whitely who I can’t find anything about.

Stand-Off

This New Game does not require any equipment to be played and can be played anywhere. In this game two players stand on a surface the length of their arms and then put their hands together with the goal of pushing each other off. If someone moves their foot or changes their stance then the other player gets a point. If both people lose balance, then no one gets a point. The game is won when one player scores 2/3 points.

This game was said to be brought into form by a guy named Scott Beach and seems to be inspired by Aikido. The 70’s was a period where a lot of eastern culture was being appropriated into western life and thinking. Aikido was even written about by George Leonard who wrote one of the fundamental texts for The New Games Movement, “The Ultimate Athlete”.

           Flying Dutchman

Flying Dutchman is a game based on the ghost ship where two players hold hands and walk around a circle of other people holding hands. At one point, the pair will break through a pair of people. The broken pair will then join hands outside the circle, and the original pair will go inside. Then the two will race around the circle to reach the open spot as a replacement. Whoever is left outside has to break through and repeat again.

Flying Dutchman does what a lot of New Games do. It has the players using aggressive actions but with fun so that there is an understanding no one should be hurt. As players bust through the hands and run around they are getting out all of this pent up energy.

This one also shows up in a bunch of camping instructions. https://boyscouttrail.com/content/game/flying_dutchman-901.asp

     In all of this Bernie seems to fit in as someone theorizing and watching everything happening. Not as the origin of New Games, but simply the only person that kept the spirit and theory alive. In The New Games Book chapters are written that contain games, and the introduction discusses how the movement started, but Bernie has a section in the middle theorizing what he discovered from being a part of the movement.

In some ways, it feels like Bernie sees differently what other people saw in New Games. Where Brand saw a different alignment of thinking, Bernie seemed to believe that the games were pointlessly necessary. That none of it was for a purpose.

“Here we are together, to have fun. We’ve already dispersed with the sense of any other purpose. We have no need to prove anything in particular to anyone in general. We’re not looking to be therapized or taught or charged. We want to celebrate. We want to play.”

Bernie’s theory here, is that there is no goal in what everyone is doing. That everything is without meaning, for the sake of fun and without consequence. But really that feels short-sighted. These games were being played in order to allow the players to reframe their bodies and minds, and to understand parts of the world great. Some of those parts are just…other people. All of this comes through moving, thinking, and touching. Just because there is no commodity produced from play, doesn’t mean that it is pointless.

The other theory that Bernie writes here is about the play community, which he later takes into his book “The Well-Played Game”. This is the group of people that connect with each other through the reframing of the mind into the mindset of the game. This quote particularly recognizes this.

“When we find ourselves on one particular side, its not because we feel that one side is any better. We make separation so we can find a new union.”

   Something that is interesting to see in The New Games Book is instructions to help ease people into the mindset of new games. This is actually something I was a little worried about when designing my own games. How will people want to play them if they aren’t in the right emotional or thinking space?

These instructions give tips on the games from the book that aren’t too involved for the beginning, and how to interact with varying levels of people that may be interested in the games. For example, if someone is standing around watching, just invite them to play

This is cool, because this aligns with the thinking I have about making a game without rules. These new games are just descriptions of how one could play, and are not prescriptive.

 NEW New Games

 These were created by Robert Herbst as a way of creating utopias through the retro lens in order to reframe today.

 “means by which people could realize their own visions of living, shape their environment accordingly.”

 Interesting about New New Games, is that some of them are scores.

And just from having these scores on the same page as the New Games it becomes clear what a score does compared to a game. Scores points out parts of the world to its player directly, and then asks the player to act once they have considered what the score has informed them. Games create rules for the meaning to be completely derived from play, like an engine as Colleen puts it.

[journeysintowebcomics]

Homestuck Liveblog #170

UPDATE 170: Dave Gets His Epiphany

Last time Hussie had decided it was time to pour even more dialogue onto the readers, since last time it hadn’t been enough, hah! Ten different dialogue options – presented linearly, in a subversion of how this usually goes. So let’s continue with what may or may not be the last chance these characters have of talking to each other before the fights.

So I heard that hovering over the options one already cleared would show images, and that was right! There are images. It seems Dave and Dirk continue just...lying around awkwardly, and Vriska and her ghost are arguing while Meenah fantasizes about varied stuff. There’s more than can be done, although the very next option is Roxy being alone. She’s still trying to create the matriorb. Calliope is sitting right in front of her, in silent support role. Roxy channels the universe and Alternia’s complicated state of matters, and...

Well! Mission accomplished! That was easier than I thought it’d be, even with Calliope’s silent help. I suppose there wasn’t more time for delaying this any longer. Kanaya is going to be immensely happy the troll race will be resurrected now. This was a short detour, completely devoid of words but with a significant development – at least to complete quite some part of Roxy and Kanaya’s arcs and goals in this story.

Unfortunately for everyone involved, Roxy and Calliope leave right when the bizarre combination that is Jasprosesprite arrives to hassle Jane for a while longer. I’m crossing my fingers this’ll be quick and painless.

JASPROSESPRITE^2: Miss me Rose?  JASPROSESPRITE^2: Did you know I love you?? Weird thing for me to say and you to hear, probably!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: I inherited the adoration our cat had for you, which now strangely is directed with the exact same intensity at myself, because I'm you!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: Funnily enough this manifests itself in a particularly acute form of narcissism, which is something we were already sort of afflicted by, and so was our cat by the very nature of the sort of animal he was!  JASPROSESPRITE^2: The bottom line is I'm pretty twisted up inside in all the most beautiful ways and it's wonderful.  ROSE: It really isn't.

Haha, okay, that one was actually pretty funny. She’s not wrong, Rose, you do tend to have slight traces of narcissism in your personality. Guess that all the increased narcissism in this sprite is what makes it have absolutely no brain-mouth filter, what with having an inflated sense of the self and what one says. Being a cat can’t help that either.

Now that Jasperosesprite made the customary hassling towards Rose, she gets straight to business about the battle plan. She has to arrange with Jane how it’ll be done, after all. This is achieved by taking Jane away without even giving her a moment to prepare. There’s someone she needs to meet, somebody in Jane’s planet.

Ah, true, the denizen. The New Wonderkids’ session was rather lacking in information about the denizens, especially since this session was meant to do pretty much nothing. Given Hussie’s track record so far, I’m almost completely sure that Jane’s talk with the denizen will happen off-screen and the characters will talk about it once it’s done, so...no more option than waiting until this is done!

Damn it , I have been bamboozled! Well played, Hussie, you had me fooled, I admit it. This could be good, though, not everyday you meet a senior version of yourself that’s dressed as a clown and...is the mother of your father. This is time-travel-gone-wrong levels of weird.

Aw, come on, Hussie, I wanted to see this! But nope, just when Nannasprite got in front of Jane the section ended and went to the next. Oh well. I’m really hoping I’ll have the chance to see how this goes, but I’m not going to hold my breath over it. The scribbled images of what the rest of the options are doing show John and Terezi discussing how Rose could have a black romance status with, uh, a version of herself. Yeeeeeeah no, let’s not do that. Doesn’t seem healthy – just ask Karkat, it’d be a headache.

About Roxy and Calliope, they just arrived to what I think is Jade’s planet, and Calliope is told to stay with Jade. I had completely forgotten Jade is still asleep. It’s once again said that it’s nice to have Calliope around. And...that was it! I just summarized around six or so pages in this very short paragraph.

I think that goes way beyond the realm of kismesis behavior Rose...and out of the realm of sanity as well. Stay away from any copies of the Sassacre book, resist the temptation. Anyways, Dave and Dirk are still here. Going to try to talk again? They’re focusing more on the battle to come than on anything else. Hah! No progress on the heartfelt conversation front, apparently.

DAVE: hes got lord english powers tho

It could be a way to know how well a fight against Lord English would go, then. Sure, Union Jack is completely different, less bulky, has no time powers, and presumably has one single personality in that noggin of his instead of being a weird amalgamation, but it’d be a way to see if they are ready to fight against Lord English. Think of it as having training wheels on your bike.

Swords can’t help you solve problems with people, who’d have thought. Dirk and Jake are the closest example to how someone who has spent their formative years alone and without the presence of people around would behave: with no social skills at all. Jade got very lucky in that regard, she is very well-balanced for someone who grew on an island and only had a dog for company. Then again, her Dreamself must have been of help, the Prospitians must have helped her have some people skills.

DIRK: ...  DAVE: ...

Nothing has changed here.

It takes a few pages more before Dirk takes the plunge headfirst down the emotional cliff, with all the grace of a novice. It does get the conversation going, mostly about how this isn’t how he pictured the meeting going.

DIRK: Maybe you'll think it's weird that I idolized some version of you that I never knew. 

These two are much more similar than they each realize. Their upbringings aren’t that different, heck, I’d say that Lil’ Hal fulfilled the role Bro had, just with less sword attacks. Other than that it was pretty much the same, an isolated life with an aloof person/glasses in the vicinity. Come on, Dave, admit you idolized Bro. That’d be a great step towards turning the page in your life and bonding with Dirk, you can do it!

DAVE: ive got to say  DAVE: meeting you  DAVE: its not rockin my world here  DAVE: or upending any paradigms or whatever  DAVE: listening to you and looking at you  DAVE: it really really just  DAVE: reminds me of him

Close enough! I’m a bit downtrodden there was no exchange of words between Bro and Dave so I could have a reference on how similar this actual situation is to how they got along. I imagine Bro wasn’t that different from Dirk.

DIRK: Things, between you and me, from your perspective, um,  DIRK: Are we like, not cool?  DAVE: ..................

I’m not sure if it’s telling or not that there was no ‘yeah’ or similar quick response.

DAVE: i didnt fuckin like you that much ok? 

...

...

...okay, that isn’t how I thought it’d go. I suppose there’s a difference between idolizing and actually liking a person. Good for you for saying it aloud, Dave. It must have been very difficult to say to anybody, even more to a version of your brother.

After a sequence of images meant to show how little time passed between Dave going “I don’t want to talk about it” to “okay heres what im saying” he finally starts...and boy is it tough.

DAVE: i dunno why my friends got to have adults around who cared about them  DAVE: they complained bitterly about stuff so i guess i convinced myself they were all in the same boat as me  DAVE: but thats not how it was 

That’s pretty much how kids and teenagers are, they complain and don’t realize sometimes such complaints aren’t about things as bad as they could be. Leaving behind such behavior is part of growing up. Dave didn’t realize how badly he was being treated, though, he just saw no difference between his life and the lives of the rest of his friends – at first.

DAVE: so all thats left to do is look back and try to put the pieces together of my first 13 years  DAVE: and all i can think is what the fuck WAS that?!  DAVE: i dont come away with the impression i used to try convincing myself of, that he was like "mysterious" or "stern" or "aloof"  DAVE: the only feeling left is this insane impression that i was raised by somebody who fuckin HATED me 

...hated you? Hm...honestly? I don’t know. Bro’s way of raising Dave had a lot of things wrong, and I really don’t know how to interpret it. I’m interested on knowing how other people interpreted it. Would you mind telling me your thoughts, everyone? I really don’t know what to think about this.

Dirk actually sounds horrified about what he’s hearing. Perhaps he doesn’t like the thought of his equivalent doing this all?

DAVE: it took years to deconstruct it all and put it back together to understand how fuckin mad i should be  DAVE: and in particular how stone cold deeply uncared for i was my whole life  DAVE: like... being merely "monitored" by a violent robot 

Haha...you know what this brought to mind? What went through my head right when I read this part?

TT: Don't worry, that's normal.  TT: Upon activation he goes into Stalking Mode.  GT: Stalking mode??  TT: Yes. He will stalk you in the jungle and strike when your guard is down. 

It’s exactly that. Dave pretty much described the robot Dirk made and sent to Jake. It’s pretty much the same in terms of how Dave was raised! Wow, Hussie, did you do this on purpose? I think you did this on purpose! Dave may as well have been raised by the brobot thing, and just like Jake – who dreaded encountering it and once he had to fight it didn’t precisely have loads of fun – Dave now doesn’t want to fight. He wants to avoid this fighting thing, and hates that he has to be the one to grab the sword and slay the villain.

You seriously screwed up here, Bro.

Dave even brings up that maybe things would have been better if Lil’ Cal hadn’t been around. Maybe! The influence of Lord English can’t be an ingredient in a healthy household – even more since part of Lord English is once another version of Dirk. Hah! Life sucks for the Striders. It’s...it’s rather depressing, actually. I wonder if at the time they had to cram Caliborn into the puppet Dave realized what Lil’ Cal was. Even if he did, I doubt he’d have any kind of reaction when anyone was nearby, but at that moment I imagine many things clicked in Dave’s head.

Would Bro have been any different if that puppet of the damned hadn’t been around? Uh...I dunno. Maybe it really was a poisonous influence of some sort, influence Dirk was lucky not to have. It’s all up to interpretation, I’d say.

I think now that the epiphany is complete I can stop the update and continue next time. This, though, this is exactly what I was hoping the Striders would do, that at least one of them would unload this heavy emotional baggage, and it’s for the better! I’m glad it’s actually happening.

Next update: three updates

[chocolateheal]

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DRAWING FOR NUDES IN MIRROR DECONSTRUCTING ROY LICHTENSTEIN © 2000 DAVID BARSALOU – abstract expressionism definition for kids | abstract expressionism definition for kids

Photos Credit: Lyn Hiner

Lyn Hiner loves to allotment her adulation of art and her artistic spirit with the world. She spent some time acceptance art as a apprentice and would advice others ascertain their artistic aperture by alms classes in her comfortable Orange County art studio, area she provides the accoutrement to let others analyze their souls on canvas. Lyn suffered a austere aberration blow afterwards bedrock accession on the beach, but throughout her aching accretion she never absent afterimage of her acceptance or acceptance that alike in the darkest of times, there is consistently a light. Lyn creates abstruse expressionist works that reflect her claimed behavior and is blessed aback alive on her long-running series. Lyn tells JustLuxe about how her acceptance and adulation of adorableness and art has helped her through the darkest times. 

When did you activate alive as a able artist?

I’ve been a artistic best of my life, but fabricated it my career/profession about three years ago. Although I had been teaching art privately, it wasn’t until a alarming accident and my abounding accretion that I rediscovered my adulation for creating art.

How would you ascertain your work?

Stylistically, I’d say it avalanche aural abstruse expressionism. My ambition is to abstruse the aspect of my accountable or emotion, which is a absorption of my own claimed journey. What I appetite my artwork to arm-twist is “hope and adorableness can be begin in the anarchy and abashing of life.”

How do you feel your assignment has afflicted through the years?

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I had some abstruse training in the arts in aerial academy and again briefly at the Pratt Institute. Aback then, my assignment was acutely representational and appetite for photo-realism. But at the point aback I acquainted alleged to accomplish beheld arts my profession (many years later), the alteration from accurate representational assignment to expressive, alike to the point of abstraction, progressed rather quickly. 

Do you feel your assignment has a specific narrative?

Painting is a acutely claimed acquaintance that draws me afterpiece to my Creator. Aggravating to abstruse the aspect of what I see helps me absolutely acknowledge the adorableness of conception while additionally giving the eyewitness a altered acquaintance for themselves. Advertent simple adorableness in circuitous and aphotic settings can animate and affect hope. At atomic that’s what I’ve abstruse over the advance of my life. Experiencing adorableness in difficult times has brought me accord and achievement while additionally enabling me to allotment adorableness with others who may charge advance as well.

Which artists accept afflicted you the most?

Oh my! I don’t apperceive how to acknowledgment that, there accept been so abounding over the years! Georgia O’Keefe, Van Gogh, and Monet for beauty, blush and boldness. Rothko for his use of layers to accomplish a adapted effect. Women artists, who fought to accept a articulation in an industry that banned to accept for so long, and for those titans who abide to breach these built-in stereotypes that men are bigger at creating. I don’t anticipate they’re better, so abundant as they tend to accept added blowing again best women. Accepting been apparent to museums and galleries throughout the U.S. and Europe, I’ve been buried to a all-inclusive arrangement of genres. I brainstorm all accept afflicted me to some degree.

A few years ago, you had a appealing agonizing acquaintance afterwards acrimonious up what you anticipation was a bedrock on the beach. Can you acquaint me a bit about it?

Wasn’t that something? I was with my kids at the beach, adequate a low course coursing for rocks. I’ve done this aback I was a kid, and I able a adulation for advertent the capacity and adorableness of rocks, seaglass and baby shells in my accouchement as well. There were a few stand-outs, but the highlight was what I anticipation to be a baby allotment of amber (I would afterwards acquisition out it was white phosphorous). Wet and hungry, we ate our picnic, played some more, again went home a brace of hours later.

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Once home, I was discussing the black affairs with my bedmate aback I acquainted a afire affliction on the ancillary of my appropriate leg. It was as if a accumulative lens was afire a aperture into my thigh, which I knew logically fabricated no sense. What did accomplish faculty in that breach additional was a rather ample bug charge be bitter me, so afterwards attractive or cerebration abundant abroad I hit my leg with abundant force to annihilate it. I looked bottomward to appearance the asleep bug, but instead a afire blaze was cutting beeline out from my burden shorts, and anarchy ensued. What I anticipation was a allotment of amber angry out to be phosphorous. 

Ten canicule and two surgeries later, I was appear from the bake assemblage of the hospital, accepting primarily 3rd amount burns on my appropriate duke and thigh and a few spots area phosphoric acerbic dripped on my larboard leg as well. Over the abutting year, there would be four added accessory surgeries acclamation blister tissue, additional anatomic and concrete analysis to action the furnishings of the scars and achieve use of my appropriate basis finger. There is no way to call what ample patches of acutely austere bark feels like while its activity through the healing process. Due to the accident in our home, we were confused into a auberge for over two months while aliment were done. It was the actual analogue of about-face and chaos. But here’s the beauty: I was alive! My kids were unharmed! That phosphorous could accept afire at any time, but by God’s grace, it didn’t appear until we were home.

That year or so wasn’t easy, by any amplitude of the imagination! But in the bristles years aback that crazy event, I accept apparent a array of means God has acclimated this story. Not aloof personally, absorption the adulation and time with those angel to us, but additionally in the lives of others; a abstruse about-face in my dupe God and absolution go of the abhorrence and what-if’s. Prayerfully dispatch into the unknown. It’s been incredible, actually.

You had to accord with the concrete trauma, forth with actuality advance in the accent for article you would rather accept never happened.  How do you feel that impacted you as an artist, if absolutely it did?

The media absorption was unexpected, for sure! Hearing there were account vans anchored alfresco my home, and in advanced of the hospital was surreal! Actuality on Good Morning America one day afterwards my additional anaplasty is adamantine to explain…I’m no altered than anyone else. I adopt my claimed activity break private. But it was a awe-inspiring story, and we were accustomed astute board by the hospital administrators and accompany who were communications experts that we bare to “feed the beast, and it would go abroad so we could go aback to healing.” That was absolutely what happened. It helps to accept bodies about you who apperceive how to advance in a accident like that.

To be honest, the abstraction of actuality beneath analysis beneath the best of affairs is trying. But aback actuality fodder for bodies who didn’t apperceive me, artlessly because there was a adventure active about me and the bearings was awfully painful. However, I accept that was advancing me for my profession. The best important assignment in this is I don’t let added people’s assessment of my style/subject/etc. aftereffect my work. I do me…you do you.

Do you feel that acquaintance in any way afflicted your assignment or accountable matter?

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Absolutely! I accept activity contest accept a way of affecting your narrative, whether you’re acquainted of it, or not. This accident is no different. Once I formed through the alteration of not creating for a continued time, to creating what was familiar, to honing in on my claimed style/voice, I begin that the use of layers speaks to the seasons of activity we have. Aerial contrast, and use of aphotic backgrounds and active capacity was an estimation of aching circumstances, but that there’s consistently achievement – consistently ablaze in the darkness. Using palette knives helps to deconstruct the capacity that can (and generally do) get in the way of seeing the bigger picture. Regardless, those capacity are allotment of the broader perspective, so attractive at the artwork from a ambit gives you one view, aloof like affective afterpiece helps you to see all the capacity that go into the base of blush and beauty. This is a absorption of life’s journey, my journey, and it is my affidavit bidding in the series, “Beauty From Ashes.”

Do you accept any accepted shows or exhibits?

I do! I currently accept a scattering of pieces from my “Beauty From Ashes” alternation at Forest & Ocean Gallery in Laguna Beach, CA, with an Artisan Reception appointed for some time in July. I additionally accept a abandoned appearance at Anne’s Boutique Wines in Costa Mesa, CA, now through aboriginal August. This accident is like walking through my artistic journey, as there are pieces from the alpha of my career, to works that haven’t been appear yet, 26 works in all.

What are you currently alive on?

I abide to add to my expressionist botanical alternation “Beauty From Ashes,” which I still acquisition acutely satisfying, but I’m developing two new series, as well. I accept about 10 pieces in an abstruse alternation I am titling “Facades,” as able-bodied as an automotive alternation I’m aloof beginning, which is a story! I grew up with my ancestor antagonism Porsches, so my acknowledgment for this admirable apparatus began aboriginal and grew into a allure as a teenager. As it happened, and by God’s providence, I began alive for an auto antagonism advertisement and barter appearance through my 20’s, which annoyed my crawling to drive high-performance cars! It’s additionally area I met my husband, who shares my adulation for aerial achievement vehicles.

Fast advanced to beforehand this year: I created a painting for my husband’s altogether of one of his favorites, and acquaint it on amusing media, which anon garnered inquiries and requests for more, which I am added than blessed to do. It’s a abandonment from my primary work, but it’s so fun to create! We’ll see area it goes.

There are added account in my head; some abiding objectives, others are shelved indefinitely, but ultimately, I accept been alleged to this profession and I will do it to the best of my ability, and for as continued as I accept articulation to actualize and an admirers who will accept it. Alike then, I brainstorm I will still create, because that’s who I am and what I was created to do.

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