#which just made very clear they have probably never experienced said type of relationship lmao

[kalu-chan]

Being on Tumblr is just like. Going into a fandom tag. Reading like 3 posts. Vowing to not go into that tag again.

Going back into it the next day.

[preemshots]

johnny + the nomads lore

alright, i know this is a screenshots blog but i'm going to go ahead and start dropping some juicy lore tidbits as i dig them up. part of what i'm doing outside of just photo diarying is shard hunting, and BOY is there a lot the game likes to hide in those little shards for idiots like me who like to read so we can write unnecessarily accurate fanfiction! 

full disclosure, i know jack shit about the TTRPG/cyberpunk 2020 rulebook except what i read in the wikis. 

so here’s my lore roundup so far of everything i know about johnny joining the nomads

we know johnny likes to narrate v’s quest objectives. here’s the first mention where he says it himself: 

during the voodoo boys quest "transmission" there's a shard in the maglev tunnels beside the ice bath, presumably from brigitte's research into johnny in the first place:

okay, so the timeline is this: johnny joins the nomads after trying and failing to rescue alt. johnny hides out in the badlands for some years. then he and rogue come back to night city and nuke arasaka tower help alt escape the arasaka subnet by uploading liberator to their network once and for all.

this ultimately makes sense. in alt’s flashback, we meet santiago, who is a nomad/connected to nomads, joins rogue and johnny when they're trying to get alt back, and eventually becomes the leader of the aldecaldos. 

part of santiago’s TTRPG lore is that he, johnny, and rogue have to lay low in the badlands with nomads after they storm arasaka headquarters (i am aware the game takes many liberties with the original lore so who knows the full accuracy of anything from the original rulebooks)

ENDING spoilers: in the rogue+johnny storming AHQ ending, it's revealed that rogue has a son while they're prepping for the job. if you eavesdrop on her calling him while you're at the afterlife, you hear her tell her son to (paraphrasing here) "pull over and look at the stars", which immediately made my brain go to: nomad, badlands, santiago = dad? maybe. (santiago also canonically has a son according to the TTRPG lore)

this immediately reminded me of another interesting shard that i believe you can find in multiple locations around night city: “"what REALLY happened in arasaka tower?“

i love this dang shard. at first i thought it was just a cute conspiracy with some juicy gossip (and i love how 99% of the shards that mention johnny in this game are reminding us that he's not a real rebel, he's a poser) but it brings some interesting shit together

one: it tells us where johnny got his hands on the nukes! he and the nomads jumped a militech convoy and jacked some bombs! 

which is never directly explained, even as saburo arasaka is interrogating him shortly before using soulkiller. very nice of johnny to protect his homies like that. 

...or maybe he didn’t. saburo emphasizes that the dead don’t lie like the living do, and we don’t know what exactly arasaka did to johnny’s construct in mikoshi. 

it also explains why the obvious media narrative is that militech nuked arasaka, a nice neat political bow to the end of the fourth corpo wars, which is an entire section of the TTRPG lore that makes my eyes cross when i read it. 

it also makes the star/nomads ending extremely interesting, because i originally believed it was the ending where V’s journey deviates the most from rewalking johnny’s path... which also has weird implications if the johnny’s nomad era is being kept from v. 

(this also leads into my belief that the star ending/the devil ending are narratively two sides of the same coin, but that’s a WHOLE ANOTHER POST for another day.)

TWO, just straight up the fact that they turned the raid where they actually obtained the nukes into an action flick BD that pretty much ANYONE could watch. who the hell was doing that?? 

well, who else other than the guy who johnny (optionally) punched the shit out of for filming alt's death: thompson, media guy, and according to rogue, “bad luck”. because you know, recording your crimes is straight up evidence that can be used against you.

during the alt flashback we meet thompson, and just after that in cyberspace before meeting alt, johnny tells v that he has no idea what happened to him and that they never worked together again. 

oh, johnny, you lying bastard man

this is blatantly untrue, and if V even had two braincells and better memory than a goldfish they'd know this--in the first flashback sequence where johnny and rogue nuke arasaka tower, thompson is on the comms as they ride the AV towards AHQ, questioning their plans and use of violence. 

which leaves me with some questions, like where the fuck is thompson, why does johnny keep lying about this, why doesn't johnny say almost anything about how you interact with the aldecaldo clan nonstop throughout the game when he himself may have been a member of the family for some time?? is he continuing to protect the nomad clan that saved his ass? we know that a lot of his flashbacks are unreliable at best, that johnny changes shit up as desired when presenting V with his memories.

in 2077, you can also find that there’s a remake of “badlands raid” in the shard “new release braindances” that is pretty much everywhere. that shard doesn’t add much, but does mention something along the lines of “many people don’t know the ending of the original” which probably means johnny punched thompson out for filming again, or something. 

my running theories: rogue ditched santiago and the aldecaldos with johnny and thompson to nuke arasaka tower, and when johnny died she was stuck looking for (heavily implied by johnny here:) corpo sellout ways to survive.

adam smasher obviously has something to do with this since johnny/rogue's vendetta against the guy isn't entirely clear beyond the smokescreen of "he killed johnny and he sucks". i have done 0 research into this though i'm tired of typing okay

i obviously cannot be certain i have found everything related to this in the game as i’m not even done with this playthrough where i’m trying to pay attention, but i hope this is fun for someone else to dig into. 

enjoy, fellow silverhand freaks

EDIT: additional findings

ALRIGHT I HAVE DONE MORE DIGGING AND I AM BACK WITH MORE NOMAD/JOHNNY FINDINGS. these ones are kind of a bummer but VERY interesting.

there’s a shard called “excerpts from a history of the nomads by bb pires” that goes into detail about how nomads came to be

there’s an interesting quote in it: It's hard to imagine a group less inclined to wandering than farmers, but in fact they were the ones who sparked the age of nomads. Natural catastrophes, crops ravaged by bioplagues, armed conflicts and martial law allowing corporations to speculate and privatize land - all this forced them into a life on the road.

when you ask johnny why he wants to take down arasaka, he begins by referencing this himself!!

it’s a little awkward to imagine a nomad V doesn’t also know what he’s referencing, but hey, V is the fool because we are as players and that’s only one life path... so sure.

johnny also has unique dialogue during this scene about a nomad origin V, telling them that he’s been trying to understand how V thinks, and came to the conclusion that “their family was a crutch” and essentially made them stupid because they always had a safety net (lmao johnny calling v privileged basically)

BUT this also may reference why johnny would find it confusing as hell that V doesn’t immediately share the views he does when nomads, in terms of values, seem to be more aligned with johnny than V is. but once again V is the fool for a reason and this is all my own speculation so YOU KNOW.

MORE IMPORTANTLY, at the end of chippin’ in, when you ask johnny what he meant by letting down his friends... santiago is named directly

i thought this was interesting since the only glimpse of their relationship that we get is seeing johnny meeting santiago via the alt flashback for the first time.

so now it’s obvious that while johnny and rogue were with the nomads their friendship developed, and johnny went on to disappoint santiago in some way by being his normal dickhead self

but HOW? how did he disappoint santiago? is santiago even still alive?? did smasher kill santiago and is this why rogue mentions during chippin’ in that she wants smasher to “settle a score” moreso than avenge johnny??

the only additional hints i have are from this shard, which you can find at the aldecaldos camp: “nomads at ground zero”

i’m just gonna transcribe here and bold for emphasis:

It was no secret that Night Corp offered generous pay and, in some cases, free cyberware and biomonitor upgrades to anyone willing to help clean up the crater of radioactive rubble at AHQ ground zero. Some firsthand accounts recall the incessant ticking of Geiger counters, like the loud buzz of cicadas in summer. In retrospect, we can only guess how many "crater cleaners" lost their lives to radiation sickness shortly thereafter. Both the city government and Night Corp have claimed casualties were kept to a minimum, while providing no official statistics to substantiate the claim. That being said, they have never been under pressure to release such figures. After all, most rescue, engineering, and rubble cleanup teams were not local Night Citizens, but nomads. Surprised you didn't know? Don't be. It is a fact many history courses tend to overlook. The city employed hundreds of nomad mercenaries, primarily from clans in Aldecaldo nation. These nomads were hungry for gainful work and the city needed experts who were not only experienced but brave enough to knowingly put their lives on the line - all so Arasaka could one day erect another tower in its place. But history is not without its sense of irony. These nomads, who so deliberately live outside our so-called "system," came to its very rescue. Not for the first time. And not for the last.

a main theme we find in this game is the idea that the system of corps and exploitation cannot be stopped by grandiose rebellious gestures--no amount of samurai songs, assassinating mayors, or even planting nukes in towers will change things. yet johnny, his friends and mercs at atlantis in the 2020s, including rogue, chose to rebel any way they could, thinking it better than not. johnny criticizes her lack of rebellious spirit CONSTANTLY in 2077.

but ultimately, johnny, trapped in mikoshi, didn’t get to see the outcome of what detonating the AHQ nukes did to night city’s fragile ecosystem. rogue, however, did--and likely watched their former allies, the aldecaldos, be forced to take dangerous work at AHQ’s ground zero (from lack of other opportunities as detailed in this shard), then die from radiation sickness throughout the following decades, all as a result of what she and johnny did to try and fight the system. and she also watched all the former mercenaries of atlantis be hunted down by arasaka.

so rogue sees firsthand what the cost of rebellion is and johnny doesn’t. and nomads, considered the most free of any of the factions we encounter in the game, are the cost.

[tobiosmilktea]

(3)—and so they’ve never really had convo’s unless they get invited to hang out w/ their mutual friends. so maybe it makes them think if they’ve done anything wrong to her, but in reality it’s just her way of coping when she starts to genuinely like someone? so if she avoids them, she thinks it will get rid of her crush on them? it’s your choice if it’s the reader or the guy that’ll confess! ☺️ anyways, god bless and i hope you have a good day xx

on avoiding your crush with oikawa, kuroo, akaashi, and terushima

a/n: ngl this one is kinda long that’s why it took a while to post, but i like spoiling you guys so enjoy :))

— o. tooru

you were never really the type to confess your feelings to someone as not doing anything about your feelings and forgetting them is much easier that having to suffer the consequences of rejection or heartbreak

this was especially prevalent when the boy you’re literally head over heels for is in fact none other than the golden boy of seijoh himself, oikawa tooru

homeboy has a literal entourage of girls following around all the time

they literally give him sweet little gifts like baked goods and cute little knickknacks, not to mention a lot of them are super pretty and attractive

like how the hell could you compete with that many girls ??

not to mention you had always come to believe that oikawa was into more outspoken and lively girls granted his own personality

that dynamic of you being the quiet one in the relationship with him being the loud one was something you thought oikawa wasn’t looking for,, it honestly made you want to give up your feelings for him completely

mind you, you literally CANNOT escape this man

not only was he talked about a lot among your classmates, but by some form of sheer luck and faith, you two were both in the same friend group

you honestly had no idea how the hell you were part of it in the first place, but during first year you just magically became part of this friend group composed of oikawa, iwaizumi, mattsukawa, and a couple of other girls from your year

anyone that attended seijoh with half a brain cell would know that the friend group you were in was definitely the popular crowd

you couldn’t help but feel some sort of impostor syndrome as you weren’t exactly the most popular, if anything people only knew you as the quiet girl in oikawa’s group

that definitely didn’t mean that anyone in your circle was rude to you in any way

everyone in your friend group would literally die for you as you’re genuinely the sweetest person they have ever met

like if they hear anyone talk shit about you, they’re immediately #protecty/n2020 !!

yet despite being in the same circle of friends, you and oikawa rarely talk. hell, you guys are barely considered acquaintances let alone friends

you liked to stick around the girls of the group more as the only guy you actually talked to in your circle was iwaizumi and that was it

this obviously led oikawa to believe that he had done something to you that made you avoid him at all costs

the thing is, he always had this problem with since the start of your first year together, but recently it had been affecting him more than he had thought considering he would’ve been used to it by now in his third year

perhaps it was the way he would watch you giggle at something matsukawa whispered in your ear, or the fact that you literally had a secret handshake with iwaizumi, or often shared some of the snacks you bought with your girl friend but did absolutely nothing with him

it irked him to his very core that the one he had always was the most found with in his group of friends was someone who avoided him at all costs

he would spend his breaks during practice to exasperatedly vent to iwaizumi about how adorable your laugh was and how envious he was that he couldn’t make you laugh

or how whenever you would sometimes greet iwaizumi with a hug but completely pass by him would literally make him chase after you

“Y/N!! where’s my hug??” 

yeah he’s that type of guy, but in a good way tho lmao

and in the midst of oikawa telling his best friend how much he just wanted to be your friend made iwaizumi roll his eyes

“the way you talk about (y/n) makes it sound like you like her,” he would mutter nonchalantly as he sipped at his water bottle

iwaizumi would flicker his gaze towards oikawa to see the capillaries in his cheeks literally burst, tinting his cheeks all pink 

he had to stop himself from snorting out a laugh as iwa may or may not have known about your crush on seijoh’s golden boy himself

the way he had find out was pretty simple considering you and iwa were walking side by side near the back of the group as they were walking towards somewhere to eat

the girls and mattsun in the front were too busy teasing oikawa, that they weren’t really paying attention to you and iwa lagging behind

“you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to, but why do you avoid him?” iwaizumi asked gently. as he was the only guy in the group that you trusted, he didn’t want to ruin it by forcing an answer out of you knowing how you were

immediately, your cheeks heated you lowered your voice down into a mere whisper. “promise me you won’t tell anyone,” iwa nodded before bringing his ear down so you could whisper in his ear. “i really like oikawa and...” you paused, almost hesitating and you don’t exactly know why

but fortunately, iwa was super patient with you like he’s literally a homie

“and?”

“i’ve liked him since our first year and i figured avoiding him would make me lose feelings. but the thing is, it’s been three years and i still like that idiot.” you sighed, and yet for once you didn’t expect the worst as you knew you could trust iwa with valuable information like that

he nods, pinching his pointer finger and his thumb together before pretending to lock his lips. “you’re secret safe with me, (y/n).”

so here iwa was now, attempting to provoke something in oikawa 

it was then the coach had blown the whistle, signalling that break time was over and they had to get back on court for their last practice game

oikawa cleared his throat as they stood up, flickering a look towards his best friend as he suddenly remembered the times he felt envious of him. “what if i do like (y/n)?”

iwaizumi feigned a smirk on his lips, “then confess to her before i do.” (he wasn’t actually going to lol)

and lemme tell you sumn, even though this was just a practice game, oikawa played as if his life depended on it

as if having you depended on it

and per usual, oikawa’s team won in the end and every day after volleyball practice, you and the rest of the girls would walk in and wait for the rest of the boys to get ready so you can all get food

there you were in all your glory, you hair blew gently behind you due to the air conditioned gym. you were waiting patiently and you definitely didn’t mind waiting as the boys had to clean up after themselves, but you swore you had never seen oikawa clean up faster in his life

once the vb team finished and your circle of friends were on your way out of school, oikawa purposely lagged behind the group as he stood next to you to your surprise

he was usually leading the group, but for once he was at the end with you. giving you a smile, to which you quickly avoided, oikawa quickly rested his hand around you

“hey (y/n)?” he says as you try your best to hide the sudden onset of heat rising to your cheeks

“hm?” you hummed, attempting to not give much of a reaction. maybe then he would leave you alone and your feelings for him would finally disappear

oikawa brought his lips to your ear, “do you know how long i’ve liked you?”

and immediately you froze, forcing oikawa to stop walking too and making the gap between you and the rest of the group to widen. you shake the thought out of your head, he’s probably playing around, you thought before continuing down the road

“shut it, oikawa.” you pulled yourself out of his grasp only to be pulled back in by him

“i’m serious, (y/n). i’ve liked you for a while now and it’s been absolute torture seeing you be closer to iwa and mattsun rather than me.” muttered oikawa, almost feeling embarrassed himself despite experiencing many confessions himself

perhaps maybe this time he was the one confessing and not the other way around

— k. tetsurou

where do i even start with this man

there was something always so compelling about kuroo, that you really couldn’t resist his good looks and to how kind he treated you

granted, you were the manager for nekoma’s volleyball team so maybe it was a given, but there is no denying the fact that you were irrevocably head over heels for the captain

your feelings for him initially formed in the middle of your first year at nekoma and the volleyball team’s manager was already in their last yer and preparing to leave so they needed a replacement

at first you said no, but kuroo, who was also a first year and in the same class as you literally begged for you to join. he mentioned how fun it would be, especially with him around

from the way your heart bounded in place within the confines of your ribs, to the way your cheeks often heated up whenever you were around him, even kenma (who you didn’t even meet until your second year) had already seen through you

fortunately, kenma was always the kind to mind his own business and stay in his lane. in fact, he had actually been a big help in you vying for kuroo’s attention but you both eventually got tired of how daft the captain had been

instead, you aimed to just avoid kuroo as much as possible for the time being, perhaps your feelings for him from the past three years would finally disappear and you can finally move on with your life

but it was safe to say you were not anticipating how hard it was going to be

not only were the nekoma’s volleyball manager and had to interact with the captain, you and kenma were also close friends. and when it comes to being friends with kenma, kuroo is more or less with him as well which made it inevitably more difficult

momma didn’t raise no bitch tho, so you powered through and avoided kuroo as best as you could and only talked to him if it involved school or volleyball

this was technically the worst form of silent treatment where it wasn’t full on ignoring (which honestly isn’t that bad cause you tended to forget about the person anyway) but this kind of silent treatment where you are constantly reminded of it because you had to talk once in a while was literally killing kuroo slowly

he was always a social person and usually respected and didn’t mind those who wanted to distance themselves from him, but once it came from you, it was literally game over

he believed that you were the second closest person to him besides kenma (and excluding the rest of the vb team) and the fact that you don’t even like making eye contact with him makes him feel dejected

especially when your actions really came abrupt as one day you were laughing and hanging out with him to giving him the cold shoulder and only talking to kenma

kuroo genuinely thought he had done something to you 

eventually, after volleyball practice where everyone had to clean up, he would deliberately slowed down and waited until you and him were the last ones in the gymnasium

“(y/n),” he called out to you as you finished putting all the stray balls into it’s respective basket

your eyes widened into saucers as your pulse suddenly increased, turning around to face the tall captain, you had to force a mellow look upon your face

he held the net in his hands, “could you help me with this?”

you didn’t even mutter a response as you only nodded. you hated how you had to act so cold to him, but it was what you had to do in order to leave your feelings for him behind

your train of thought went like this: it was only a couple months before your third year ended anyway, might as well forget about him

walking past the captain, you bent down and grabbed the other end of the net and you two began folding it in quietly

kuroo was going to spark a conversation, but he surprisingly found that silence blanketing you two to be comforting. he couldn’t take his eyes off of you each and every time the net had gotten shorter and shorter

eventually you two met in the middle, your eyes were directly looking at his broad chest you had hesitantly flickering a glance up at him

“stop ignoring me,” kuroo said in almost a harsh whisper

your cheeks flared red as you looked away shyly, pulling the net along with you and out of his hands. “i’m not ignoring you.”

“yes, you are.” he presses, “we were fine before, but now you don’t even talk to me anymore... did i do something wrong?”

you couldn’t help but notice that slight hurt in his serious tone that made you look back to him. your eyebrows furrow as suddenly your throat felt incredibly dry

“you didn’t do anything wrong,” you answered while kuroo approached you closer

“then what is it?” he scoffs dejectedly, placing his hands on his hips as he searched your expression for any answer. it was then his eyes widened larger than ever as he felt the rhythm of his heart quicken, “holy shit,” he sighed, “did you find out?”

confusion melted over your visage as you looked up at him, “find out what?”

“lev and yaku probably told you didn’t they?”

you were still not following, “told me what?”

“that i like you!” he exclaimed, his sudden confess echoing throughout the empty gym as everything went silent. the only sound surrounding you two was the air conditioning circulating around you two as you were completely frozen in place

you mouth ran slightly agape and undeniably speechless at the mere fact that that just happened. you certainly weren’t expecting it as your cheeks heated up for the umpteenth time, you swore they were never going to be given a break anytime soon.

meanwhile, whilst you were in a state of utter shock, the worst was spiraling inside kuroo psyche. with how long the silence fell upon you two, he couldn’t help but to feel that you were just thinking of a nice way to reject him

“look (y/n), i--” he was immediately cut off by you throwing a light punch to his chest, your eyes had fallen to the floor to hide the burning red sensation tinting your ears and cheeks

“i like you too, idiot.” you mutter, almost feeling a shiver down your spine as kuroo held your hand that was on his chest. “why do you think i was avoiding you for so long?”

— a. keiji

as i’ve mentioned in previous headcanons, homeboy is BLUNT

and he would definitely call you out on your shit with avoiding him and all

despite being on the quieter side, he does like conversing with other people with his amiable witticisms and classical one-liners whenever he would pop into a conversation

usually people (specifically ones he’s not entirely close to) would get annoyed by this, which is why he’s quiet in the first place. but when he first met you, you played off of his words. for once, akaashi was surprised by this and was immediately compelled by you

meanwhile, you were good friends with bokuto, which was the only reason why you had gotten to know the setter in the first place. you were well aware that he was bo’s best friend and was genuinely surprised how nuanced the pair was

eventually, you had come to take a liking for the boy as he was always quiet and a bit mysterious, yet whenever he talked it would always make you laugh or melt a smirk on your face

you were a year older and in the same year as bokuto, so to you it always seemed a bit weird to date someone younger than you. you always pined yourself as someone who would rather date older guys or someone around your age, but this was definitely an exception

however, you definitely didn’t like the idea of perhaps confessing to akaashi and then leaving in a couple months for college. it honestly seemed like a waste of time to get into a relationship especially in this time of the school year, so had decided to do something you had always done:

avoid your feelings until they disappear into oblivion

it would make things easier on both of your parts anyway, you were in your last year of high school and on your way to college while akaashi had the possibility of taking over the captain spot next year and had to focus on his final year

besides, despite knowing him for a good two years, you could never tell whether or not he liked you (even as a friend)

so here you were, acting suspiciously cold and avoiding your underclassman who, for once, is vying for you attention and you aren’t even noticing

whenever you were around bokuto, akaashi would purposely try to be in the conversation more and maybe even try to stand closer to you than before. he would often ignore the slight aching jealousy in his gut whenever you and bokuto messed around during lunch

honestly, homie doesn’t even know he has feelings for you and just simply thinks he did something wrong that you don’t want to interact with him anymore

he eventually went to bokuto about it, “does (y/n) hate me?”

and perhaps his best friend had to feign laughing right in akaashi’s face at this, “why would you think that?”

“well, she’s avoiding me and i don’t like it.”

one of bokuto’s eyebrows lift as he gave akaashi a look, “why don’t you ask her yourself?”

the setter sighs, “but she’s an upper--”

“since when were you scared of third years?” the alabaster haired boy chuckles, “c’mon akaashi, you’re a big boy now. deal with that yourself.”

the second year grumbles as he pushing himself off his chair, “fine.” he mutters as he made his way out of bo’s classroom and towards the courtyard where you sometimes hung out during lunch

he immediately spotted your figure talking among other third year girls, eyes never leaving you as he made his way over.

“excuse me, can i borrow (y/n) for a minute?” he asked, his height looming over you and the others as they gave you a look.

a sigh left your lips as you excused yourself and went with akaashi. you didn’t bother speaking to him as you simply just followed him into an empty hallway

“do you know how rude it is to ignore people, senpai?” he starts, provocation lacing his words as you gave him a look. he was well aware of the fact that you lowkey didn’t like being called senpai, so he was definitely saying just to get you riled up

“eh,” you shrug, trying to act nonchalant as possible. “it depends on who and why you’re ignoring them.”

“why are you ignoring me then?” he interrogates you.

and you weren’t entirely sure if it was his height towering over you or the way his words were leaving your mouth that made your heart skip a beat, you had almost forgot his was your kouhai

“because.”

akaashi peered his eyes at how sus you were being, “because??”

you sigh, ripping your eyes away from him as you thought to yourself briefly. you definitely couldn’t continue looking at him as each beat that passes you felt the rhythm of your heart quicken. was he really affecting you this much?

you considered this: you were in the your last and final year with the possibility of not seeing akaashi ever again once you graduate. despite it being a bit bittersweet, telling him your feelings would possibly lift some weight off your shoulders and you didn’t have to worry about it anymore

looking back at him, you swallowed your pride. fuck it

“because i have feelings for you and i’m trying to forget them,” you confess quickly as your arms braided over each other, watching as akaashi’s expression morphed into surprise and almost a mere confusion

“y-you like me?” he asks for a confirmation to which to nod and watch his cheeks and his ears burst into shades of pink and red blush

perhaps you found yourself blushing too with how adorable he was as he cleared his throat to regain his composure

“why were you trying to forget them?” there was a hint of hesitance in his voice as he asked, almost to afraid to know the reason.

bittersweetness suddenly coursed through your veins as you sigh, “i’m going to graduate in a few months, akaashi... i’m going to go away for college while you’re still going to be here and i’m not sure if we’re actually going to see each other again.”

“we can if we tried,” he mutters quietly as there was still an inch of hope within him. “we can still make it work.”

“you think so?”

“i know so.”

— t. yuuji

you had now idea how the hell you had come to like someone like terushima yuuji

not only was he incredibly loud and a bit childish in nature, he was an absolute fuckboy

it should’ve been a big enough turn off, but perhaps you somehow liked how he would remember the little things whenever he would annoy the shit out of you everyday

like how you always got melon buns for lunch, he would always buy you one before you even had the chance. or how he knew your favorite subject was math, despite you never mentioning to him. or how he knew that there was always a kick in your step whenever you were in a good mood.

despite his persistent nature is more likely to come off as arrogant and annoying, sometimes his assertiveness comes to be beneficial at times

like that one time you were walking home during the night and a pair of creepy older dudes kept asking you for your number, terushima (who was also going home after volleyball practice) had come to help you

his persistence in making sure the guys left you alone had worked and perhaps the way he wrapped his arm around you protectively had your heart pumping faster than you anticipated

that was when you had finally come to the conclusion that you had feelings for some fuckboy name terushima yuuji, who literally annoyed you to your core

knowing damn well that terushima wasn’t going anywhere, you figured that if you avoided him enough, that your feelings for him would eventually go away

you supposed it was because of his usual nature, constantly flirting around with other girls before eventually getting bored of them. it then rang into your head, wondering when terushima would eventually get bored of you

perhaps there was an aching his your heart when you thought about it, but in your brain you wished for him to forget about you. if anything, it would’ve made loosing your feelings for the blond boy to go away easier

your avoidance and lack of interaction with terushima definitely did not unnoticed by him. if anything, it made him want to talk to you more

he would literally shower you with melon buns and snacks during lunch, to which you would politely decline and walk away from him. he would greet you everyday in the mornings, to which you would simply flicker him a look before brushing past him

for once, terushima felt challenged when it came it you and only fueled his yearning to get back to that stage of comfortably throwing his arm over your shoulder

it even got to the point of you ignoring him enough that you started talking to another guy in your class, with how comfortable you are with the new dude as you were playfully handsy and giggled loudly at his jokes

perhaps he felt a bit jealous that someone else was making you act like. terushima wanted that to be him

it was like a wave of emotions had tumbled over him as he saw you and the boy walking with a group of others in front of him. he swiftly caught up and pulled you away from the group fast enough that they didn’t notice

“terushima?” you said breathlessly

“i like you, (y/n).” he went straight to the point. there was no reason to beat around the bush any longer as you and him were finally alone together and he didn’t know whether he would have this chance ever again, “i like you a lot, so stop ignoring me.”

“y-you like me?” you repeat, you eyebrows suddenly furrowing. “is this a joke?”

homie couldn’t help but notice the slight worry lacing your voice, as if he wasn’t serious and just playing you. he was well away of his reputation and certainly did not want it to get in the way of you and him. 

“i’m serious.” he reassures, “there’s a reason why you’re the only one i haven’t gotten bored of.”

[atozfic]

Love when people reveal themselves as being so obviously online and insulated in leftist/progressive circles that they seem to forget that the rest of the world is not nearly as accepting or supportive of not conforming of gender roles as these spaces are. Like when did you say the reason anyone likes femsub or the reason it's popular at all is because they're young or don't know anything about sex? To me it's pretty clear you were talking about it as a larger trend and why it's so much popular than everything else overall. And to be completely frank, what is the reason femsub is so much popular than anything else OVERALL (not why any individual person likes it or it has any kind of appeal), if not gender roles? Are women just naturally more submissive than men (not saying you think this)? Because I have seen people say this, yes even so-called "feminist" men and women, that my preferences are unnatural because men evolved to be sexually dominant and women evolved to be sexually submissive, and that I'll never be in a happy or satisfying relationship unless I make myself more submissive and change my preferences because men just naturally don't like dominant women. I'm pretty sure you would not like if I took those hurtful and negative experiences and said any woman is submissive is that way is because they're misogynists who just think it's all women's nature to be submissive. And I'm pretty sure of this cause of the way that you freaked out when you even THOUGHT somebody might be implying that when they weren't. So why the fuck is it okay for you to say dom women are the way that we are because we think we're "enlightened" or more strong or better than everyone else and only like what we like because we want to be ~not like other girls~ for attention because of your negative experiences? And I like how they only talk about submissive or vanilla women getting shamed, so true bestie, dom type women, sexually or otherwise, never get shamed for their preferences. Nope, never ever. It's not like people always joke about women "wearing the pants" in the relationship and how it means she doesn't respect her partner. It's not like assertive or aggressive women are called a "bitch" but when men act that way it's sexy. It's not like religion teaches women they have to submit to men or no man will ever love them or they'll never be happy. It's not like people say that women that want to be dominant are "acting like men" or "want to be men" and therefore are unattractive, as if dominance is inherently masculine thing. It's not like a lot of men genuinely believe that all/most women want to be dominated in bed and so they don't even have to ask, they just do things to you and try to dominate you without your permission or consent or without ever having talked about that kind of thing before. Nope, we must have it sooo easy because we've got grrrrllll powerrr on our side, all women love us cause they think we're such cool independent and empowered women, and all men love us cause they think we're just so cool and not like the other girls. Like honestly, I don't assume to know what they experience of submissive women is like or that they must have it so easy because they're preferences are in line with gender roles, because I'm not one and i know they don't always have it easy because I've heard of women in the irl bdsm community being treated badly by shitty men who think it's okay to abuse them or do whatever they want to them because they're sub identified (or sometimes just because they're women). So why is it okay for you to assume what are experience is like?

I'm not involved in any real life bdsm community because corona and I'm anti-social bitch but I do like to lurk on online communities for fun (something I should probably stop doing cause it's not good for my mento health luv lmao). This whole thing reminds me of these weird ass screeds I sometimes come across by straight male doms on reddit where they go on and on trying to reconcile their desires with feminist politics either because a) they're genuinely a misogynistic piece of shit and people call them out on it or b) they're genuinely progressive/humanist men who have some difficulty reconciling their desire to be dominant with feminism for whatever reason. And so they do this weird thing where they project these worries and insecurities outwards, and manufacture a situation where anyone who criticises gender roles at all is against them personally, and it would be so much easier if they were just a female dom instead, everyone would apparently have no problem at all with them then, cause grrrrllll powerrr.

I don't like to engage in armchair psychology but the follow-up ask from that anon made it pretty clear to me that they have some insecurities around reconciling their preference for submission with feminism because of some negative and hurtful experiences, and so they deal with it by projecting it onto anyone that suggests that gender roles might be why SOME people gravitate more towards it and why it's so much more popular than everything else. I'm sorry that those people said those things to you anon, they're wrong, but a) most of those people tend to be against all bdsm in general, not just femsub and b) you need to work out those insecurities by yourself. You can't lash out at anyone who tries to talk about the relationship between societal norms and preferences at all, it's not helpful or productive.

Also how do they know those people unfollowed you for that reason? Is that an assumption or a verifiable fact? I'm not necessarily saying they didn't either, I'm not a mind reader, but like, some people are just sexist and think women are naturally submissive, sexually or otherwise. I've met them before.

to quote my therapist: that was alot to unpack.

i'm gonna give a longer reply under the cut but i just want to state here i'm not posting this ask to offend or hurt, or even "one-up", the original anon who sent that ask regarding sub!females. i have no issue with them and, again, think they're in every right to send their original ask. i'm posting it because i do think this anon made some very interesting points and brought up alot of worthy of being discussed topics.

let me also put a disclaimer here that i am not a genius nor someone very well-versed in gender politics, i'm simply a twat on the internet with a negative mindset.

"Love when people reveal themselves as being so obviously online and insulated in leftist/progressive circles that they seem to forget that the rest of the world is not nearly as accepting or supportive of not conforming of gender roles as these spaces are."

this. omfg, t h i s. i see this so much, especially in my younger cousins/relatives who are just now beginning to develop their own political opinions. let's take the conversation away from dom/sub for one second and just focus on gender in society. one of the clearest examples of gender affecting the way someone is treated/viewed is something i've experienced first-hand: i was misdiagnosed four times before i was correctly given my diagnosis for ASD, because most of the studies regarding it center around boys and, therefore, most women go undiagnosed. in fact, for years it was believed only men could have it which is why there has been such a surgence in the past few years of adult women being diagnosed with autism. i remember hitting high school, experiencing academic burn-out (thanks to everything moving too fast + my classmates catching up to me intellectually) and having my teachers treat me like i was an imbecile, or i was lazy, rather than just someone with neurodivergence. (this isn't me implying tjat men with ASD have it easy or that society accepts them anymore than women, it's only easier for them to get diagnosed.)

"it's not like people always joke about women wearing the pants."

this applies to both the shaming of dom women and sub men. the amount of men who get treated like they're "losing their manhood" for letting a women(or anyone else) dom them is ridiculous.

honestly, I think at the end of the day (and to close up this whole issue-that's-not-really-an-issue), we're unfortunately always going to live in a world where people have opinions against either side of the dom/sub spectrum, or the whole bdsm community in general. the best thing we can do is try lessen the internal conflict, especially between dom and sub women. we gotta stop treating each other like the enemy when all we really are is people with a differing preference. at the end of the day, what someone chooses to do in their bedroom is no one else's business (unless it harms anyone) and we need to take away the importance we seem to put on it. we're on a floating rock in space, who cares if becky likes to peg her boyfriend on a sunday morning or if stacy likes to be tied up on a thursday evening?

also, anon, i like the way you worded this whole ask. despite it being long, it was easy to read and you made some great points. sorry my reply isn't more exciting, i just in general agree with most of what you've said.

[spidercakes]

It continues!

Edit: my stupid ass forgot the tag list posting so here it is (though some of you still found it lmao): @prettieststarker @readysetstarker @lover-starker @starkerprince @starker-flame @i-am-irondaddy @blush-reincarnated @c6h12o6-work @von–gelmini @caseysroses @darkobsidianquill​

Part One | Part Two

Its been a long time since Tony has done this but sometimes things just feel a little more out of control and this is an easy way to get some of that back ethically. Plus he enjoys it, maybe more than he should. Its not like he’s never considered why he likes the control so much, if that means he’s controlling, and then by extension just like Howard but he’s long ago come to the conclusion that that’s not it. He doesn’t want to control someone per se, what he wants is control over a situation. The fact that other people are involved it more a symptom of how he chose to go about gaining that level of control. And he’s always taken care to not take that away from whoever he’s with because, as Pepper pointed out, he’s not much like Howard if you look further than skin deep.

Still, he hadn’t initially planned to just throw himself back into one of these things, mostly he was catching up with Sam and feeling things out but then he saw Peter. Sam’s not stupid, he knows his type, so he said he’d work something out. And Peter, fuck he’s perfect. A little inexperienced for his taste, and a little on the young side, but Tony is willing to look past that on account of he knows he’s not going to get anything better. He’d done this enough times to be able to pick up on small signs of compatibility and Peter might be inexperienced, but Tony happens to know he’s got more of a submissive side than he knows. Makes sense, for his age, that he hasn’t figured that out quite yet. At his age he’s probably still experimenting with things.

Normally experience is something he prefers but in this case he made an exception. The way Peter responded proved him right enough that he’s not entirely worried about it beyond Peter finding his voice. But the way he’d responded to Tony, handing over his other wrist without him having to ask, lifting his head a little so Tony could put the blindfold on, the way his uncomfortable squirming immediately stopped when Tony had settled a hand on his knee. Yeah, Tony knows Peter will be more than compatible with what he’s looking for.

As it is he’s disappointed that he’s going to have to wait until later to see Peter again but they both have things to do. Maybe this is one of those situations where patience pays off. Tony doubts it on account of he’d be just as excited if not more if Peter showed up now, but he’ll take what he can get. There’s also the slight disappointment of stretching things out a bit, giving Peter time to adjust to something new rather than jumping right into it but its necessary. Tony wants to give him time to gain a level of trust in him before he starts taking away his senses and leaving him to rely more on Tony than not. If he were more experienced it wouldn’t be much of a problem, but he’s not so Tony needs to start fresh.

Not ideal, considering his usual impatience, but he knows that it’ll be well worth it to wait for Peter to catch up.

*

 Peter bites his lip, unsure what to expect aside from what Tony told him in the beginning. He does have to admit that having his own key is pretty cool, mostly because Tony’s penthouse is nice as hell. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing,” he hisses at Liz over the phone.

She sighs, “didn’t you say he like… gave you an outline of what to expect?” she asks.

He rolls his eyes, “if I gave you an outline of child birth do you think it’d prepare you?” he asks.

Liz snorts, “Peter, that’s such a guy thing to say. This is in no way comparable to child birth. But your point is taken. We should throw a party there, seems like a swanky place,” she says like Peter doesn’t desperately need this job.

“Liz, I have hospital bills to pay,” he points out.

“I’m kidding Peter, mostly. But if he’s a dick we can totally trash the place, you know MJ would do it in a heartbeat.” True, and Peter loves her for it but Tony has been more than polite so far and he’s talked to some of the other people Sam employs. Turns out he’s a real stickler for not being a douchebag and he takes his employee concerns very seriously so he’s gained a bit of trust that this won’t turn into a massive shit show.

“I actually think he’s pretty nice,” Peter says, looking over the directions to the room Tony told him his stuff was in. For an apartment this place is a fucking maze.

“Yeah, he hires prostitutes, how nice can he be?” Liz says, distain in her voice.

Peter frowns, “you know I’m the prostitute, right?”

“Obviously, Peter.”

“Yeah, well acting like only losers and assholes pick up prostitutes doesn’t exactly make the job less stigmatizing. Maybe he doesn’t have time for a relationship, or doesn’t want one, you don’t know.” He does know that Tony doesn’t want a relationship with him, which is fine because he doesn’t want one with Tony either. Aside from you know, a good relationship with the guy who is also his boss, technically. God, this is messy.

The good news is that he finds the room finally and breathes out a sigh of relief as he steps inside and goes on the hunt for his outfit. Thankfully Tony has laid it out on the bed for him so he doesn’t need to go far.

“Okay, but do like… normal guys go to prostitutes?” she asks and Peter frowns.

“Yeah, probably. Why is it that sex for money somehow makes the sex dirtier or whatever? Its not like being in a relationship is free and you’re totally financially independent of them unless you make good money. Even platonic relationships don’t escape that, remember the time we all talked Ned out of moving across the country to live with his girlfriend because we’ve be fucked for rent? Anyway, I just think that paying someone to have sex with you is hardly demeaning or whatever.”

He picks up the white teddy and frowns at it for a moment, unsure how that’ll look on him. The pink frilly booty shorts are cute, though, even if they’re not something he’d pick out for himself. He shrugs and tosses Liz on the bed so he can change.

“Yeah but like. Can guys who go to prostitutes even get relationships?” Liz asks and Peter snorts.

“The sheer amount of politicians that go to prostitutes say yeah, they get into relationships just fine. Like, what is the correlation people draw between prostitution and not being able to get sex for free? Is it really less degrading to pick someone up at a bar when you’ve only known them for a half an hour? At least I get paid for my trouble now, my last Tinder date was shit in bed and I paid for dinner.” That was like, forever ago but still. He’d consider what he’s doing now considerably less degrading than that. Tony buys nice lingerie and, to Peter’s surprise, it actually looks pretty nice on him.

He fully expects Liz to have some kind of response for that but she remains silent for a moment. “I guess you make a point there. Did you figure out where you were supposed to go?” she asks.

“Yeah. Also, turns out I look cute lingerie,” he says.

The squeal of surprise is unexpected but more pleasant than their last discussion so he’ll take it. “Send me a picture!” she says and he frowns. “In like. A not sexual way,” she clarifies.

“Is that like… normal for girls? Do you guys just send each other pictures of yourselves in lingerie?” Because that seems like a dream world to him, throw some guys in there and he’s in bisexual heaven.

“Sometimes. Guys don’t do that?” she asks.

Peter squints as he opens the camera app. “Liz, in what world do guys where lingerie?” he asks.

“This one if you’re to be believed,” she points out.

Right, good point. “You know what I mean. No, guys don’t just send each other random pictures in sexy clothing. I sent the picture and if you make fun of me I’ll move and screw you all for rent,” he tells her.

She remains silent for a moment before she makes a small, approving noise. “That actually does look good on you,” she says. “What the fuck.”

“What the fuck what?” he asks, checking himself out in the mirror. He… didn’t expect to actually like this but he doesn’t mind.

“That style of lingerie looks like total shit on me and I’m mad it looks good on you,” she says. Peter grins because jealousy is a good emotion to have in this case. And if Liz thinks he looks good Tony definitely will.

“Die mad about it,” he tells Liz, who snorts and starts laughing.

“Don’t let the lace give you too much confidence,” she tells him despite the fact that he’s not wearing any lace. Its more of a sheer gossamer material that shines a little and compliments his skin nicely. He thought the white on his pale as shit skin would make him look like a fucking ghost but instead he looks etherial. Huh, so maybe this is why women like lingerie so much.

He chats back and forth with Liz for a few more minutes but she has to do homework and frankly so does he so they hang up to go do that. And Peter means to do homework, really, but the closet beckons and he has to hang up the clothes he changed out of anyway so he goes over to check it out.

His opinions on Tony’s taste mostly improve minus the yellow… thing that’s probably the most hideous shade of yellow Peter has ever seen. But the rest? Its clear that Tony has a thing for red and black, which makes his current outfit kind of a strange choice and that makes him curious but he does like most of the rest of the stuff in the closet. There’s a few things that are… well, strappy enough that he’s confused how to put them on, and a couple things that don’t look that great, but otherwise Tony clearly has talent in aesthetics.

“I didn’t think you’d take to the lingerie,” someone says and Peter lets out an accidental scream and tosses the garment thats in his hand. He turns to find Tony in the doorway looking amused.

“Oh my god, give a guy a warning!” he says, hand pressed to his heart.

Tony doesn’t look any less amused, eyes bright as he looks Peter over. “That looks nice on you,” he says, gesturing vaguely at him.

Peter looks down at himself and grins, “it does, doesn’t it? I was worried I’d come out looking like fucking Casper but thankfully that was not the case,” he says.

Tony snorts and starts laughing, “god, its been forever since someone has referenced that around me. I’m kind of surprised you even know what Casper is,” he says.

Peter doesn’t mean to say it but it slips out anyway. “Okay, boomer,” he says out of pure instinct and thankfully Tony bursts out laughing.

“One, I’m not that old. Two, you always this sassy or is this new?”

“Um. Depends, usually its a comfort thing. Sorry I called you a boomer,” he says.

“Its fine. The youths know how to make a good meme, I’ll give you guys that,” Tony says, smiling still.

“Well, the economy is shit so all we’ve got is depression humor and memes so we gotta make it good,” he says, considering his choices for a half a second before figuring fuck it. He could stay here all day or he could figure out what the rest of the night will be like and go over to Tony, see how he reacts. As it turns out he mostly looks like he wants to devour Peter but he keeps his hands to himself even if his thoughts are pretty obvious on his face. Peter wraps his arms around Tony’s neck, a silent way of giving him permission to touch him, and leans into him. “So we’re watching a movie, right? What am I supposed to expect?”

Tony looks pretty ready to abandon the movie idea but he doesn’t. “Your choice,” he says and Peter grins.

“Star Wars?” he asks excitedly.

“Baby, which Star Wars movie? And if you list any of the prequels I’ll fire you,” he jokes.

Peter wrinkles his nose, “A New Hope, obviously. Ew, why would I subject us to Jar Jar?”

Tony snickers, wrapping his arms around Peter’s waist. “Thank god. I met someone who liked Jar Jar Binks once and I’ve never been the same.”

*

He’s been staring at the skirt for like fifteen minutes and no one is home. Everyone else has classes or work in MJ’s case so really, there’s no harm if he steals Liz’s skirt from the floor of her room. No one will ever know and he’s never even had thoughts like that before and- well, okay, that’s not exactly true. He’s always liked the aesthetic of skirts, its just that he never really considered them on him before. But the way Tony reacted when he saw Peter in that lingerie, the way he kept looking at him all night…

He didn’t expect to like that feeling so much and skirts are pretty, he’s always liked them…

Fuck it, if he hates it he can put it back and its not like Liz would ever know so he sneaks in, snatches it from the ground, and sneaks back out. They’re probably the same size so this should be fine. Once in his room and slips it on and sure enough, it fits perfectly though it sits different on him than Liz. Probably on account of she has hips and he doesn’t, not really. But it does sit nicely over his butt so there’s that.

He grins, snatching his phone out of his abandoned pant pockets and moving his mirror in front of his bed so he can try and take a decent picture. It takes some finagling and a little work but he finally manages to get a good angle and-

“Oh shit,” he says, desperately snapping pictures as his free hand slips and he falls headfirst off the bed. He sighs, picking himself back up and smoothing out Liz’s skirt before examining the pictures.

He smiles, saving the good ones and deleting the rest before he sends them off to Tony. His favorite is the one with his back arched, the skirt sitting just too high to be appropriate, exposing a little cheek underneath. If he ignores his messy bed in the background its pretty much the perfect picture given the proportions of it. Tony’s response is pretty much immediate.

Wear that tomorrow.

[mashtonasfuck]

I was at work when Ash posted this, and came out of work to see the notif and then proceeded to sit in my car sobbing for 20 minutes. This man, and this band are my lifeline. I’ve never told y’all my story about how I found 5 Seconds of Summer, but now seems like a good time. I’ll put it under the cut so it doesn’t clog up your dash.

I found Luke around the 14th of March 2011. I was 14. He’d posted his cover of ‘Fireflies’ by Ron Pope a few days before, and there was just something about it that I couldn’t get out of my head. At the time I didn’t think much of it (this was pre-youtube account) and I kept checking back every now and then to see if he posted anything else. In April of that same year, Mike and Cal uploaded a video introducing them as a three piece under the name of ‘5 Seconds of Summer’ - they did a few more covers, most of the time with only two of them lmao, and I kept checking back to see what they were posting. Ash joined them in December 2011 and they became a four piece.

When they uploaded the video for ‘Teenage Dirtbag’, I knew that I wanted to keep watching their content as there was just something I still couldn’t shake. The energy with the four of them had shifted somehow from just being the three of them, and it kept me interested.

They toured a lil bit of Aus in 2012, and I spent my days on Youtube watching shitty videos of them playing songs they’d written themselves rather than covers. They then revealed that they were releasing an EP later in the year. They dropped ‘Unplugged’ in June 2012 in Aus and NZ and I remember being super sad that I couldn’t buy it in the UK yet. It was released WW in December 2012, and you bet your ass I bought an iTunes voucher so I could buy it (remember iTunes vouchers?? Those were the days, RIP iTunes). They moved to London at the end of that year. I remember seeing a video someone uploaded of them doing an impromptu session playing in a park in London and being so sad that I wasn’t there to see them. They did some small intimate shows in the UK while they were over here, but I never got to go to any of them.

In early 2013 they started touring with 1D, but again I never got to see them. I LIVED for the shitty videos people were posting on Youtube of their performances, and I was desperate to see this band I’d become so obsessed with following.

On the 24th of February 2014, they uploaded the video for ‘She Looks So Perfect’ on Youtube. It was at this point that my friends at school became aware of them and started following them, despite me telling them for years that this band were awesome (teenagers, am I right?). On the 27th of June 2014, they released ‘5 Seconds Of Summer’ out into the world. I was 17 years old.

At 17, I was struggling with A LOT. My grandad was very ill, my friends turned out to not be my friends, and it’s probably one of the loneliest periods I’ve ever had in my life. I’d experienced what I thought was heartbreak, and their self-titled album was everything I needed at that time in my life. I finally saw them on the 5th of June 2015. I got to spend two hours in a room with my four favourite people in the whole world. I have a video of them playing ‘Everything I Didn’t Say’, and all you can hear is me sobbing in the background lmao.

Walking out of that venue, I knew my life would never be the same.

I was pretty active on social media at this point, as were the boys, and seeing the stupid things they got up to on Keek and Twitter genuinely made my days so much brighter.

As we all know, ‘Sounds Good Feels Good’ was released on the 23rd of October 2015. I was 18, my parents had just split up, my grandad had died and I felt like the whole world was out to get me. I fell into a period of intense depression and did some things I’m not proud of, and I honestly didn’t see a way out. Then SGFG came along. That is the album that quite literally saved my life. Listening to the four people I admired most in the whole world singing lyrics about things I was going through, being the same age as me, was totally overwhelming. I don’t remember my first listen through of that album - what I do remember is the way that it changed my whole world view.

They understood exactly how I felt, down to the last detail. To this day I have to leave Broken Home and Invisible off of playlists because they jolt me back to a time in my life that I don’t ever want to experience again. That whole album was my saving grace for a long time. I’m eternally grateful to them for releasing it when they did, as I’m gonna be straight up and say that I might not have been sat here typing this today.

I went to their show for the SLFL tour on the 8th of April 2016. I spent most of that night crying my eyes out and getting weird looks from the people around me, but I didn’t care. This was my band, and they were playing the songs that literally saved me. The SGFG era was emotionally draining for me for a long time, and it took me a while to be able to listen to most of the album again as it just felt so raw.

When they took time off to rejuvenate themselves before album three, I was worried. For the last 6 years this band had been what kept me waking up each morning. The lack of content was freaking me out and I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. My mental health was on its way down again and I found myself going back to old patterns.

At this point, I’d been in a relationship for almost three years, was engaged, and was living with my then SO. I thought everything was perfect, I had the life that I wanted with a man that I thought I’d be with forever.

In February 2018 they released ‘Want You Back’, and I loved it, but didn’t have the connection with it like I did with SGFG. I missed out on tickets for the 5SOS III Tour (and may have cried about it, but it’s fine), but bought tickets for the Meet You There Tour before they even released the album. This was my band, of course I was going to see them.

When ‘Youngblood’ dropped, I had a day off from work. I set my stereo system up, and lay on my living room floor with the speakers around me in a circle. I wanted to feel the new album, not just listen to it (weird, I know). Want You Back and Youngblood were fine, but then we hit Lie To Me.

‘I know that you don’t, but if I ask you if you love me, won’t you lie, lie, lie, lie, lie to me?’

I genuinely felt all of the breath I had in my lungs, vacate. I’m gonna be straight and say that I hadn’t been happy in my relationship for a while despite what I said above - my partner was emotionally abusive, and the warning signs were clear, I just didn’t want to see them. That one line haunted me every time Luke sang it, but I let it play through and moved through the rest of the album. When it finished, I let it play through again. I let those lyrics flow through me, and by the time it got round to Lie To Me again, I was sobbing. Once again, these boys knew exactly what I needed to hear, at the exact time in my life that I needed to hear it. It took me seeing them again in November of last year to make a change in my life.

If you’ve been around for a little while, you’ll know that I’ve shared my Meet You There Tour story before, but if you haven’t read it, you can find it here. I stood at the back of the O2 Academy in Birmingham, a year ago tomorrow (1st of Nov) and cried. Listening to my boys sing those songs in person absolutely broke me, and made me realise that I wasn’t happy in my relationship. I left that show heartbroken, and overwhelmed, and honestly exhausted, but I drove back home and spent the next two months trying to fix the relationship I was so unhappy in.

I thought I’d made progress, but after Christmas of last year, everything fell back into old patterns and enough was enough. Watching my ex-partner walk out of the front door was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. I’d taken the plunge, but I was broken. I moved back in with my mum in January of this year, which has been incredibly stressful (that’s another story lmao), but the one thing that has kept me going is these four boys.

Ashton is always the one that I feel the most connected with - I don’t know if it’s because he’s the oldest and people usually think I’m a lot older than I am, but his life philosophy and his attitude towards the things which make him a better person, inspire me every day. Whenever I’m having a shitty day, he always seems to put out a Tweet which says exactly what I need to hear. His love for us keeps me going every day, and I strive to be even half the person that he is. He does so much for us, and I thank God every single day he biked halfway across Sydney to attend that first band practice as a four-piece.

Their music makes me feel a lot less lonely, in a world that hasn’t always been the kindest to me. Because of them, I’ve met some of the coolest people on the planet through this godforsaken website, and the existence of these people in my life makes me excited to wake up each day.

This Tweet from Ash tonight reminded me exactly why I stayed with this band way back in 2011. Their passion for their art inspires me every single day and I am constantly in awe of the way they continue to push themselves and their performance.

I am not the same person I was at the start of the year. ‘Youngblood’ has helped me reinvent myself into the person I’ve always wanted to be. I’m so much stronger than I ever thought possible, and I’ve only realised that because of four dorks from Sydney that told me it’s okay to be whoever you want to be.

I will forever be grateful for their music, their passion, and their presence on this Earth. I’ve never stuck with any artist as long as I’ve stuck with this band, and I would not change that for the world.

Thank you 5SOS, for always being there for me, even if no one else was. I love you guys.

[deveharrington]

[5 new theories] + Ok anons, I will heed your advice and take a break. Thanks for all the responses, good and bad. I also apologize for my last theory. Consider some new theories in light of new info?

Before I fully relax, and I am typing this from the HMS DavidDuchovnyFrustration’s jacuzzi, let’s do some more mental gymnastics! 

I always want to adjust my perspective in light of new info. So, following the release of the beach photos from August 19, I have some new thoughts. 

Would it sound crazy for me to say that these pictures are actually making me doubt my own previous theories? Ok well everything I say probably comes across as crazy. 

My imagination just outruns me, I love being proven wrong. I think I need it lmao.

So here are my most recent theories in response to the beach photos. 🐶 ⛱️

(Also, I will not post the actual photos because I simply refuse to and because I am a big baby)

💣 [THEORY 42] It means nothing. 

I propose that, right now, he is in a state of (and a potentially dangerous level of?) apathy and neutrality. This neutral state of being is a bad combination with his already very laid-back nature. 

He is going nowhere, and this could lead to frustration. And if David cannot face his feelings or be honest with himself, he may just seek “thrills” or instant gratification (a.k.a. this “relationship”) to balance the frustration. Thus, a vicious cycle is born.

Also, the stress of his career being stagnant right now might  be causing him to seek comfort through instant gratification. He does not seem to be attempting to build things up for himself. I see no progress. 

What if, in this, “relationship”, he literally does not give a shit?

*** OR, he had already been apathetic BEFORE the relationship, and the inception of the relationship was a product of that!!! ***

As in, SOMETHING may have happened to make David revert to “I don’t give a shit” mode. HMMM.

Onto the theory, David’s “laissez-faire” attitude has always been a prominent topic of interest to me, and most likely for the sole fact that I myself am the complete opposite. But live and let live. I guess i’ve always paid attention to it and now see it as related to this situation.

David has always been laid-back in the past. I think that is his true nature. But in the past he was also balanced by having a career, purpose, and engagement in life. Right now I see no career, nor purpose, nor engagement (and when I say “engagement”, I mean the action, not the term in the marriage sense).

It’s all “laissez-faire”, or, in his own words, “it can mean anything”. He may even be saying one thing to Monique but feeling another (more on this later). 

I am really going to go ahead and quote Cowboy Bebop here, lmao: 

If you love someone, you love yourself. 

If you hate someone, you hate yourself.

I said, “I don’t feel anything towards anyone.”

Bull said, “That is the greatest misfortune on this earth.”

Ok, let’s try to be fair and not too dramatic right away. I’m not saying David has no feelings, for sure he has feelings for his family or loved ones. But could the apathy be the reason why he seems distant from them right now? Or perhaps them distancing themselves from him is CAUSING the apathy? Again, just propositions and not facts. 

For David, the reality of the situation could be that he has convinced himself he has some semblance of “feelings” for Monique, however, of course I attribute these “feelings” to delusions or excuses for the obscene nature of the relationship. 

In which case, it could be argued that, if David is telling himself he does have “feelings” for Monique, it could be a rationalization that he is so desperately wanting to force himself to believe in order to avoid the truth. The truth being that he himself was not strong enough to fight against this situation. He succumbed and maybe asks himself why. I hope he is asking himself why. 

Now back to the neutrality stance. 

💣 [THEORY 43] WHERE/WHAT IS HIS CAREER?

These are also things I have questioned:

- Him taking the cancellation of his movie in stride. Maybe I am just overlooking the complexities of the movie making process and downplaying how hard it is to actually get a movie made. But David has all the time, means and reason to do so. I just don’t see David as the kind of guy to accept obstacles, especially when it concerns his passion projects. So, is there something more to this? 

- David seems to not be aware that his own fans have not received their CD’s. Again, I don’t have all the facts. But what is this? And again, David has all the time and reason to pay attention to his music career but he doesn't? 

- Also, is he working on an album (or anything?) for the future? Maybe he actually is? lmao, I have no idea? What i’m saying is, where is the progress? Where is the drive? 

It is like he is just wandering around, an aimless, organic vagabond. 

But I really love to listen to David talk about his music. I see his music as a genuine artistic expression coming from him. As an artist and art lover myself, I feel one the best things about art is that is reveals who you truly are.

I think I may make a separate post about this to elaborate, what I’m saying basically is that I feel what he says about his music and music making process are genuine feelings coming from him. It is not just what he says but the way he says these things, it reveals a lot about him, and the reveal is positive. I see a genuine vulnerability. Otherwise, sometimes his statements can come across as loaded with unspoken messages or intentions.

So here are some quotes from David himself on his music making process. I use them because I see them as genuine expressions coming from him. They are not recent, I just am showing them to illustrate the foundations of his laid-back attitude.

- “Why not?” - As an explanation of why he became a musician. Could he also have just said, “why not?” not his “relationship” with Monique? And, when the times comes for him to want to break up (and it WILL happen, right God? RIGHT?), will he also hopefully say, “why not?” ?

- “I don’t like having things explained to me.” - Like social media? hehehe. Like Monique’s social media posts? hehehe. Like how Brad Davidson is scamming your fans? hehehe. 

- “I didn’t want it to feel like work at all.”

- * “It can mean anything for anyone” - What if David is being so liberal that he is giving both Monique and HIMSELF the freedom to have their own reasons for their relationship? And if this were the case, then it is not much of a “RELATIONship”, now is it? 

I said in the first thesis that he deliberately keeps his beliefs vague so that he doesn’t have to take full responsibility for his choices, reasons and actions. As in, if he keeps his intentions open enough, he can displace blame onto others if things go wrong. 

For example, he may dole out some high-minded poo poo on the age gap along these lines: “age is arbitrary and has no meaning. The spirit is what connects” etc. Implying that somehow, SOCIETY and their ~ lack of enlightenment ~ would be what’s really to blame for their animosity towards an age gap relationship. This is all just for the illusion of openness. An illusion to disguise the lack of desire to take responsibility. 

If David wants to say that what he does can mean anything to anyone, then I want say this relationship means nothing to everyone.

This theory could easily be challenged by the notion that, if David were really in this neutral state, then he may try to assuage himself by seeking thrills. So, could the age gap component of the relationship be seen as a potential thrill for him? (UGH, sorry). And I guess I can’t ignore the physical component of the relationship, which not only appeals to his ego but must of course remind him of his younger, more reckless self (I am really sorry). To me, it connects, but others may see it differently. 

💣 [THEORY 44] *** I propose a single massive difference between Gillovny and Davinique. And to be fair to David, this is not fully in his control:

Gillian could not bring herself to trust David completely (due to his reputation and her own insecurities), but Monique trusts him completely.

And maybe Monique trusted him completely from the start? Maybe it is as simple as she may not be fully informed of his reputation? Is she just really enamoured? Or is she simply not old or experienced enough to see a person as a complex being with flaws. Maybe David is lying to her about his flaws. He lies to himself about his flaws 😇.

(Thank you to a user, who wishes for their identity to remain private, that proposed this amazing theory to me. I love getting ideas like this that I would never have come up with myself.)

Could it all be as simple as a personality difference between Gillian and Monique? I always saw one conflict between Gillian and David being her excessive worrying/insecurity clashing with his excessive laidbackness/cockiness. 

So, if Monique is more in line with David’s attitude, then he may feel relieved that this conflict that was so prominent between him and Gillian is taken care of. 

But that is not really my focus with this theory. 

This theory at least clears a lot of smoke for me. Part of the pain of this situation was, for me, imagining David hurting Gillian very badly (when she was already potentially very insecure about their relationship) over some nonsense “relationship” with Monique, but what if it really, truly, and literally, Monique means nothing to David. However, this would imply that David was the one to betray Gillian first by getting involved with Monique and I actually do not believe this was the case. 

On that subject, the next theory will explain:

💣 [THEORY 45] Who, between David and Gillian, performed the fatal action that was Gillovny’s undoing? 

Could the final blow actually have been enacted by Gillian? and... intentionally??

I know the common theory is that this is all David’s fault. But what if Gillian dumped David or pushed him away prematurely out of her own suspicions and misconceptions that stemmed from her insecurity of being involved with him?

💣 [THEORY 46] Davinique in the wild?

Could David’s “relationship” actually have most of it’s meaning in Monique’s head, and not David’s? (contrary to what I proposed in the first thesis.)

I propose this because, looking at the beach pictures, David is not paying attention to Monique. 

I know they are just pictures, a single fraction of a single second in time. And I am probably just seeing what I want to see. 

But I was not expecting that level of non-acknowledgment between them? Did they know they were being photographed? (Personally, I don’t think they knew because neither of them, especially Monique, is looking into the camera. Nobody from the group seems to notice the camera either). So, if they were not aware they were being photographed, do we finally have evidence of Davinique in the wild?

I just really want to believe this for now. I was expecting to be hurt by the pics but noticing these small subtleties actually made me feel better. 

[Some random thoughts on the beach pictures]

- This is an objective observation: good for Monique for being in shape, but the fact that she has a masculine body frame (square torso) that is also quite built up is not helping me deny my theory that David is enjoying having sex with himself. (i’M SORRY!!!)

- I just couldn’t contain myself at seeing an image I see very commonly at my local lake: a group is separated in two, with the adults on supervision in the back, fully clothed, wearing hats, sitting in lawn chairs and talking amongst themselves. Meanwhile the kids are sprawled out, enjoying the sun, and playing with the dog. ooooh boy David what is this shit lmfao. 

Thank you, anyone who reads this! 

[elizbethweir]

if you could change ten things about the writing of the originals what would you change?

Oh man,that’s difficult. I’m actually not sure I’m good at this. Iknow lots of people think they could write the show better than the writers do and they might be right,but I’m not sure I’d be able to. (Yousee, instead of writing badly, I just don’t write at all. That helps.) I know what I like and what I don’t, but being able to spot problems is not the same as fixing them, and having better ideas. Writing well is hard. I don’t know how people do it.

Anyway, I dohave lots of vague awful ideas. I’m not sure these are THE ten things I’d change, because I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot of important things. These are just 10 random things I thoughtof first.

1)      I wouldn’t introduce a new villainor threat each season. I wouldn’t constantly have them run around on the vergeof death. Characters shouldn’t always be reactionary, fleeing away from onethreat or the other; they should be pro-active too. Their goals should gobeyond just surviving. It’s not always about who you’re fighting against, but also about what you arefighting for. In s1, this was kindastill the case, with Klaus and Elijah actively engaging in plans to turn NOLAinto their home again, rather than constantly being in mortal danger. In s2 thethreat of a villain worked really well, so I would’ve kept that one. But in theother seasons I would’ve put the focus on the family and the city, thedifferent factions and all the conflicts and alliances between them. I’ve saidbefore that my favourite plots are character-driven. I like internal conflictwhere there isn’t necessarily a right or wrong side. So this means getting ridof villains like The Hollow, and focusing more on the familial relationships,the alliances, the different conflicting visions for the city (which couldstill be dangerous in many ways). It should’ve been all about making NOLA thehome they would’ve gladly raised their daughter in. And if an actual villain/deaththreat does pop up, it’s probably amore effectual one because you haven’t been oversaturated.

2)      Sort of related to that: I wouldn’t constantlyintroduce new secondary characters only to get rid of them again. A couple ofconsistent familiar faces among the werewolves/vampires/witches, even whenthey’re just in the background and don’t have a major role within the plot, areunderrated. It adds to the entire atmosphere and sense of reality of the show. TOreally only seems to create secondary characters so that later they can bekilled off again or something, but it’s not really that impactful if you hardlyknow the character, and it’s difficult to construct better secondaryrelationships if the characters keep getting replaced. By sticking with somesecondary characters for a longer period of time, it’s possible to give them alittle more depth and development. It makes them more interesting (secondarycharacters are often forgettable on TO, and that’s a shame). Josh is about theonly example of a familiar face. He’s stuck around. Even when he wasn’trelevant for the plot and sometimes didn’t appear in a lot of episodes, he stillserved as a reminder: there are more vampires than just Marcel. Sure, he usuallydidn’t add much to the plot, but if the politics of the factions had been abigger part of the show instead of the constant death threats (like I wastalking about in point 1), then these secondary characters would’ve automatically been more relevant. The show should’ve utilised the characters they already had, rather than inventing new ones all the time.(And again: if the plot were character-driven, the characters would automatically have had a role inside of it)

3)      More flashbacks. Of the Originals,but also of NOLA, and the different factions, and the Trinity. Give us somemore historical perspective. The Originals are 1000 years old, they’ve seen andexperienced a lot in their time, so it makes sense that everything that happensto them in modern times looks similar to a certain part of their lives before;after all, history rhymes. Flashbacks of NOLA in the past also makes us betterunderstand the dynamics within the city, in line with the earlier points, andcould help to expand the mythology of the supernatural beings.

4)      When Father Kieran died, I wantedCamille to take over his job as the representative of the human faction. Sheshould’ve been the bridge between the humans and the supernatural world. Tryingto make sure no humans get caught up in the mess of the supernaturals,advocating peace, balancing her obligations towards the humans with herintimacy to Klaus… it would be good. I also would’ve scrapped her turninginto a vampire and turning off her emotions etc. If she had to die, I would’vedone it in 3x10; I would’ve let her decide not to go through with thetransition. Butif I had full reign, I actually don’t think I would’ve killed her at all. Irather liked the perspective she brought to the show; she just needed betterwriting and a better purpose, and being a champion for the humans could’ve beenit.

5)      I wouldn’t have put Hayley andElijah in a romantic relationship. I have a very complicated opinion about themas a ship. There are things I like about them, though those were mostly ins1-2. I liked that they were basically these polar opposites in almost everyway imaginable,  who still had anunderstanding despite of that, and who became more and more similar as timewent on (mostly due to changes and developments on Hayley’s part). I might talkabout that some more later, because this is not really the place. But all ofthose things could still be part of their relationship if it was platonic and Idon’t think they have the type of chemistry to pull a romantic relationship off.They became very drawn-out in s3, and they kind of stopped making sensealtogether in s4. I think I would still have Hayley have a crush on Elijah atfirst in s1, since he was kind to her and protected her, but I would let thatfade away once she got closer to Jackson.  

6)      Elijah’s arc in s4 and s5. I thinkit was a good idea to have Elijah unravel in s4 just when Klaus got it moretogether, but the way in which they did it was very half-assed and the reasonfor it was not very clear. Elijah in an existential crisis because he thinksKlaus doesn’t need his help anymore is good, but that doesn’t explain whyElijah felt that way. I’ve tried to think of a reason, but so far I haven’treally come up with a satisfying one. I also would not have framed Elijah’scharacter as if he’s always been extremely violent, and this is just his realcharacter surfacing. I mean, he isviolent, but not more so than the rest, so that angle is just really odd to me.(I already wrote something about Elijah’s arc after s4 here,which I still mostly agree with – it’s kinda long though.) And the lack ofHope/Elijah scenes would only have made sense if we saw Elijah make a consciousdecision to avoid a relationship with Hope. I think maybe it would’ve been niceif it was similar to how he avoided a relationship with Marcel due to Klaus’ jealousiesand insecurities, but I’m not sure I like that yet. Idk, nothing I think of fors4 Elijah satisfies me, so I’m still unsure exactly of how I’d change it. Itdefinitely needed a lot more subtlety and a lot more screentime than it got though,that much I do know.

As for Elijah losing his memories in s5… The concept of the Red Dooris that Elijah hides things behind it that make him feel guilty, so that he canforget about them and doesn’t have to feel guilty about it. However, some of Elijah’s feelings of guilt have never been placed behind the RedDoor… like those towards Klaus. What if,  instead of making Elijah forget all of hissiblings entirely, they would just have made him forget all of the things thatmake him so blindedly devoted to his brother? All of the things that madeElijah feel guilty towards Klaus, especially Mikael’s abuse, placed behind theRed Door and therefore out of Elijah’s conscious memory. I’m really curious ofwhat Klelijah’s relationship would look like then. Tbh I’m not even suremyself, but I think it would still lead to a fracture of their relationship,because Elijah now remembers a lifetime of doing everything for Klaus withoutquite remembering or understanding why he’d ever go so far for his brother. This could still lead him to decide to live his life away from Klaus, to create his own life elsewhere. Klaus would still feel abandoned. But he’d stillbe Elijah; he’d still love his family, and recognise their faces. I think it’dbe interesting without being as infuriating as the memory loss storyline was now. It’d be more subtle.

7)      This is completely self-indulgent,but if I could choose without restrictions… I’d make all of the incestexplicit lmao. Same goes for their sexualities.

8)      I wouldn’t have got rid of theTrinity so quickly. This is also self-indulgent, because I know it wasfrustrating that they weren’t killed off because it should’ve been so easy forthe Mikaelsons to do it, but I just liked them as characters so much, and therewas so much history and potential to explore. I’d still need a plausible reasonfor how this would work, but I haven’t figured that out yet. Ah well, details.

9)      Hayley’s death. She should’ve lived. 

10)   More family moments. This is clichéand obvious so I put it last, but I couldn’t think of anything that I was moredesperate to have than that. Always more family moments.