#which probably means I opened my notes app after watching and was already actively forgetting everything I had watched

[autopsytableromance]

Found my list of movies I’ve watched this year bc I moved phones so I’m trying to update it and I’m really glad I did (although I wish I had done it sooner so I don’t have to try to remember or like. Find references to every movie I watched between march and September) bc I don’t remember watching a lot of these movies.

[artificialqueens]

Level Up, Chapter Ten (Branjie) - Holtzmanns

read on ao3 | word count: 4722

“It’s a great thing. Hey, can I be your momager? Kris Jenner style? Build a Mateo empire and all that?” Alexis’ face lights up, and Vanessa has to resist the urge to roll her eyes. Her sister never changes.

“You’re not even my mom. Besides, if you were a Kardashian, you’d be Khloe at best.”

Alexis pouts. “That’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

AN: So…it’s been another month…oops. Sorry everyone! Real life is busy busy, but I’ve had time here and there to work on this fic so while it’s slow going, it’s still trucking along. Thank you guys so much for all the love you’ve given this fic so far, I appreciate it so much. Let me know what you think of this chapter as well! As usual, writ is amazing for betaing <3

Beep beep beep-

“Fuck.” Vanessa grumbles underneath her breath as she hits snooze on her alarm clock for the fifth time in a row, but looking at the 7:15 that flashes on the display, she can’t ignore her wake up time for much longer.

She’s back at work today, a shoot up in midtown. First day back after the tournament.

Not that Vanessa wants to think about it.

The evening after her last match had been a blur, the events mixing together and forming a grey cloud hovering above her brain. Maybe it’s good, though, because the last thing Vanessa wants to do is relive the way her opponent broke down the structures of her boxing skills as if doing so brick by brick.  Now, she feels no better than a beginner walking into their very first class. Hell, maybe Vanessa never had been.

Brooke must be so disappointed with her, now that yesterday’s events have had a chance to settle and allow for some reflection on their surfaces. She hadn’t wanted to show it much last night, being more concerned around whether Vanessa was okay. But now, the fact that her coaching skills are being wasted on Vanessa is probably sinking in, considering Vanessa wasn’t able to stand up to a little bit of a challenge in the ring.

The fact that Vanessa has the day off from training today feels like a blessing. She can push away the events of yesterday and hide them behind a wall in her brain, one strong enough to conceal all the humiliation and disappointment running through her veins, the types that feel like they will never clear out of her system again. She doesn’t have to peek behind the wall until tomorrow, until she’s back in the gym for another morning practice to relive how terribly she’d burned under pressure.

Vanessa reaches out towards her bedside table, fumbling around until she snags her phone by the popsocket in between her fingers just as it’s about to drop. The battery that flashes on the screen is low, nineteen percent, something that makes her frown. She’d definitely plugged it in last night when she’d gotten home, in between sulking on the couch and watching reruns of Malcolm in the Middle to try and wipe her brain. By the time she’d climbed under her covers and unplugged her phone, it had been fully charged.

The dropping battery, now at seventeen percent, is a far cry from being the most alarming thing on her screen. Not with notifications upon notifications on her lock screen from both Twitter and Instagram and, wait - one that says that Bad Bunny of all people has just followed her?

What?

Maybe Vanessa’s still in dreamland, one where she’s become a famous boxer or a rapper with connections in high places. Maybe her alarm clock is about to go off one more time to properly wake her up, because nothing about her screen makes any sense at all.

But then Vanessa’s phone starts to buzz and it’s Monet who’s trying to Facetime her, and she swipes and is about to grumble how it’s early in the morning, damnit-

“Finally! The legend herself is awake!”

“What are you on about?” Vanessa holds back a yawn as she pushes the blankets away from her legs, swings them over the side of her bed.

“You’re a meme, bitch!”

“Huh?” Vanessa’s brows push together as she heads to the bathroom to brush her teeth, phone held in one hand. “Was that Monique’s voice?”

“Not relevant.” Monet waves her hand, when a figure in the background shoots a smile to the camera. “What’s more relevant is the fact that your dumbass has gone viral. You’re trending on Twitter.”

“I’m what now? What the hell would I go viral for? I don’t do anything.” Vanessa mumbles, the toothbrush still in her mouth. “Except lose matches.”

“That’s sort of what you’re viral for.” Monique pops into the frame, a gleeful smile on her face. “Well, more like your little performance after you lost.”

Wait, what?

“What do you mean, performance? I don’t remember doing anything.”

Vanessa tries to ignore the way her heart is beating faster and faster as she spits out her toothpaste, trying to rack what’s left in her brain after actively pushing down the events of last night, because shit, did she do something stupid like have a tantrum? Throw a fit? She can’t even remember after trying to forget it all and the night feels like a blur to her, and fuck, if she’s gone and done something stupid…shit.

She’s real screwed now.

“Wait. You don’t remember?” Monet’s mouth drops open almost in sync with Monique’s and Jesus Christ, this would be funny if Vanessa wasn’t currently filled with a sense of impending doom. “You serious?”

“What did I do?” Maybe Vanessa’s voice gets a little bit squeaky but it’s a miracle that it even comes out at all, from the way that she’s about to implode on the inside.

Monet fiddles with her screen on the other end as a link pops up in Vanessa’s notifications. “Better you watch it yourself.”

Jesus Christ.

The link takes Vanessa to Twitter and fuck, it’s a video of her and her opponent after the match has ended, one that’s surprisingly good quality - probably all the professional cameras that were filming the final matches for some obscure sports network. On screen, Vanessa’s drenched in sweat and looking a little woozy but somehow her braids are still intact, and it’s nice to see that at least her opponent is looking equally as knackered. Though the referee raises the hand of her opponent to indicate the win and watching the events back, it does sting a little bit. They’re still in the ring as the tournament’s master of ceremonies makes his way over, a bedazzled microphone in his hand that sparkles under the bright overhead lights.

“That was quite the match, ladies! I gotta hand it to both of you because that was entertaining boxing. Let’s talk to you first, Vanessa, after that loss. What’s going through your head?”

Vanessa watches as her on screen self leans in towards the mic, a little bit unsteady on her feet. “Coulda done better. On that note…Miss Vanjie out.”

On screen, she sways a little bit, her eyes rolling back and-

Wait. She’d gone and fainted yesterday during the interview?

The camera pans to the floor for a second before focusing on the interviewer again, who looks only slightly alarmed as a medical crew surrounds Vanessa. “Well. That’s one way to make a statement.”

“What the hell?” Vanessa mumbles to herself, because…that’s what she’s viral for? Fainting?

What?

She goes back to the Facetime app where the call with Monique and Monet is still open, twin expectant expressions on their faces. “What’s so exciting about fainting? That’s embarrassing as hell.”

Monique looks delighted by the question. “You see, it’s memeable.”

“Very memeable.” Monet finishes, and Vanessa wants to bonk both of their heads together, really.

Text after text pops up from Monique on the top of the screen, all Twitter links and oh god, Vanessa’s almost afraid to see what they hold.  

But she has to know.

She clicks the first, the caption making her pause.

Interviewer: so why would we hire you?

Me :

There’s a cropped version of the video right underneath, and Vanessa’s not sure why she presses play, really, to hear herself say ‘ Miss Vanjie out’ and faint again.

Doesn’t get any less embarrassing than the first time she’d watched it. She clicks on another that Monique’s sent to her.

My mom: are you gay?

Me:

Vanessa can’t help but giggle because, well, the video does fit. She can’t deny that. She goes through the rest, and the way the captions get better and better is a little infuriating.

Me seeing a person from high school in public:

Me when my mom asks if I took the chicken out of the freezer two hours ago like I was supposed to:

When your professor calls on you in class as you’re about to enter REM sleep:

Good lord. Vanessa really is a meme.

She lets out a groan as she goes back to Facetime, Monique and Monet’s twin cackles an unfortunate soundtrack. “I’m really a meme. I’m a whole ass meme.”

Monet looks almost proud. “Yeah you are. ‘Miss Vanjie’ is trending on Twitter.”

“Okay, but what am I gonna do?” Vanessa almost doesn’t even notice the way that she starts pacing in front of her closet, in line with the way that her thoughts are beginning to race because fuck, this is going to be embarrassing.

Hell, it’s already embarrassing. She’s a meme, in a viral video and she’s trending on Twitter of all things for fainting at an opportune time and her mom’s probably seen it and her coworkers and the entire fucking world, for that matter. Jeez.

What does Brooke even think about all of this?

“You can’t faint your way out of this one, Vanj.” Monique snickers, growing into a full laugh when Vanessa groans, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“Just a little too soon for that.”

Monet is oblivious to her internal turmoil, though, her face close to the camera on screen. “You have like, a hundred thousand followers on Instagram now. Pretty damn cool if you ask me.”

“I do? What?” Vanessa goes to the app, which opens for a split second before crashing. Damn. “Who the hell is following me?”

She tries to open it a second time and her notifications page refreshes every few seconds, with likes and comments pouring in on her recent posts. Most of them say ‘Miss Vanjie out ’, a fact that Vanessa does her very best to ignore. But hey, at least Monet is right. She does have a shit ton of followers now.

Woah.

“They want to follow the meme, the myth, the legend, that’s why. I bet you can get sponsorships and shit.” Monet’s looking excited, sharing a gleeful smile with Monique. “Damn. I shoulda fainted on television.”

“I didn’t faint on purpose.” Vanessa groans, flopping back onto her bed and trying to ignore the way her heart is pounding out of her chest. “It just sorta happened.”

It did. Not that Vanessa can remember it in the least, because the evening still feels like a blur in her brain, one that she had tried to bury in the initial embarrassment of losing the match but now, she’s not sure if she can.

It’s going to be a little bit harder to push the events of yesterday behind a wall when the whole world now knows about it. She’s going to need some Men in Black style memory wiping to even think about living in blissful ignorance now.

“Brooke said it was ‘cause you had low blood sugar. She was damn relieved it wasn’t from a concussion.”

Shit. Vanessa didn’t even think of Brooke’s reaction to her fainting, after seeing her dad go through what he did all those years ago-

“I should call her.” Vanessa rushes out, biting her lip. “Talk to you later?”

Monique waves. “See you, meme legend.”  

Vanessa rolls her eyes as she hangs up, trying to wipe her clammy hands on her pants before calling Brooke. She answers on the first ring, her eyebrows creased and a worried look on her face.

“Thank god you’re okay. You feel okay?”

“I’m a meme.”

Brooke’s anxious expression melts away, her eyes beginning to crinkle as she holds back a laugh. “That you are. How did you even manage that?”

“I dunno! I forget most of it!” Vanessa runs a hand through her hair, because hell, that’s a question she wishes she had the answer to. “Did that actually happen?”

“You bet it did. Next time, I’m giving you an extra protein bar before your third match of the day. Your energy was just drained.”

“Speaking of the match…” Vanessa trails off, busying her eyes with her closet to pull out some clothes because what is she supposed to even say, really? “I’m sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for?” The confusion on Brooke’s face is genuine when Vanessa looks back at the screen, her eyebrows creasing together and it’s almost worse, really, to have to actually explain. Pick it apart.

“For losing. For not really taking in the coaching that you were trying to give me between rounds. For being overconfident during the match, I don’t know.” Vanessa lets out a breath. “I just…I feel like I let you down.”

The words really begin to settle in as they leave Vanessa’s lips, crystalizing in the air. This tournament had been the first one of hers that Brooke came to, and she just had to go and lose the last match in a blisteringly pathetic way. Does Brooke regret coaching her? Having her name attached to someone like Vanessa?

Vanessa lets out a breath as the thoughts build upon one another, filling up more and more space in her abdomen, but Brooke shakes her head. “You think I’m disappointed because you lost a match? Unless you’re the Hulk and have something to tell me, it’s impossible to win every single fight that you enter. You’re not invincible, and guess what? Boxing is hard. Really hard. Even making it to the finals on your first try is something that you should be proud of.”

“Yeah?” Vanessa doesn’t mean for her voice to come out so shaky, she really doesn’t.

Brooke for her part smiles, though it doesn’t do much to calm the beating of Vanessa’s heart in her chest. “I, for one, am proud of you. Not only for the matches that you won, but for that last one. Even when it was tough, you kept pushing until the very end. You gave it everything you had.”

Vanessa makes a face. “Quite literally.”

“Had a feeling you were going to make a splash somehow. Didn’t think it would be by becoming a meme.” Brooke keeps a straight face for approximately three seconds before bursting into laughter, and Vanessa groans, flopping back onto her bed.

She’s never, ever, going to live this down. Ever.

“At least it’s a funny meme. Could’ve been worse.” Vanessa sighs.

She supposes she’s lucky it wasn’t as humiliating as it could have been. Though as she’s trying to think about it, Vanessa’s not sure how to make it even more embarrassing. A nip slip? A crowd reaction shot?

“Speaking of which, the gym is getting tweets from news outlets trying to write about it. They want a first hand scoop.” Brooke snorts.

Vanessa raises an eyebrow. “Seriously? Are you kidding? What sort of wack news outlets want to write about a meme?”

“Think of places that start with ‘b’ and rhyme with ‘uzzfeed’.”

“Ah.” Vanessa nods, because that makes more sense. She pauses, looking at the way Brooke’s face is smiling and kind, when she doesn’t necessarily feel like she deserves it. But maybe, Brooke’s just that nice. “Also…thanks. For what you said.”

“I am proud. Real proud.” Brooke’s smile is soft, reaching her eyes, and it makes Vanessa want to reach into the screen, give her a hug. “As far as students go, I got lucky.”

“Even though I turned into a meme?”

“Especially because you turned into a meme. Don’t let the fame get into your head, though. We have practice again bright and early tomorrow.” Brooke clicks her tongue as she winks, and it’s nice, because for a minute, everything just feels normal.

“Looking forward to it.”

Vanessa hangs up the call and maybe she’s feeling a little bit better after talking to Brooke, her heart not quite threatening to break her chest open anymore. Sure, the threads of disbelief are still hanging over her head in webs because this doesn’t feel real, not really, all the notifications on her phone and the way that Monet and Monique had gleefully told her the news, giddiness mixed in with a little bit of jealousy. Vanessa’s not at the point of wanting it, not just yet. She’s not sure if she’s going to get there, just not the way that her friends would.

But hey, maybe it’ll be fun. And she has no other choice but to roll with it, does she?

“What the fuck?”

Alexis’ exclamation of surprise echoes from her bedroom and it’s enough to make Vanessa amble over, see what she’s up to.  “What?”

“How the hell did you get verified on Instagram? Totally not jealous or anything, nope.” Alexis huffs and Vanessa scrambles onto Alexis’ mattress beside her, peering over at her screen.

And there it is. A fancy blue check beside Vanessa’s 245k followers, which, when she refreshes her page, grows to 250k. Holy shit.

“But that means at least two hundred and fifty thousand people have seen that stupid video. Lord almighty.” Vanessa groans, walking over to Alexis’ bed so that she can hide her face in the blankets, as if it will hide her from everything else, too.

Two hundred and fifty thousand people now know what Vanessa looks like, and know about the idiotic things that she tends to say under pressured situations. That many people have decided to follow her on Instagram, which up until now has really only featured makeup looks and silly pictures with her friends.

Alexis pats her shoulder, looking a little too calm for Vanessa’s taste. “Technically the video on Twitter has millions of views, so I’d say the number is a bit higher.”

Vanessa’s stomach turns. “That doesn’t make me feel better.”

“Who said I was trying to do that?” Alexis waves a hand. “Listen, mom and I are the ones you should be thanking. We made you go take boxing classes, right? Now you can be an influencer.”

“You say that as if it’s a good thing.” Vanessa makes a face. A nice gift from them, truly. All Vanessa’s wanted in life. To be a meme of all things, a fucking meme.

One that Bad Bunny follows.

“It’s a great thing. Hey, can I be your momager? Kris Jenner style? Build a Mateo empire and all that?” Alexis’ face lights up and Vanessa has to resist the urge to roll her eyes. Her sister never changes.

“You’re not even my mom. Besides, if you were a Kardashian, you’d be Khloe at best.”

Alexis pouts. “That’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Whatever Khloe, this Kim has to head out to work.” Vanessa stretches, lifting herself off the bed to grab her bag as she hears Alexis huff from her position on the mattress.

“Who says you get to be Kim?”

The thing about owning a business is that there is always work to be done.

There are bills to pay. Parents to call. Equipment to order. It never ends, not when Brooke is the sole one responsible for making sure everything gets done the way that it should.

Not that Brooke minds it too much. She likes being at the gym, even if she’s getting work done - the place is always comfortably busy, with classes taking place, athletes training on their own, parents cheering on their kids. The hum of activity in the gym is easy to tune out and becomes white noise that is comforting, a reminder of what she’s used to. The gym is a second home at this point, the banners on the wall and the constant stream of the classes as familiar to her as breathing.

It’s a home that she likes to be in.

So that’s why Brooke is there at 8 p.m. on a weeknight, despite the fact that today is Vanessa’s day off before training starts again tomorrow. She still has things to do in her office, always does and sometimes, it feels better than just sitting at home.

“Three kids fell over dramatically and yelled ‘Miss Vanjie out’ as I walked into the gym just now. Their instructor did not look amused.” Vanessa’s head peeks past the doorway and Brooke ignores the way her chest feels a little bit lighter from hearing her voice, seeing her face. Confirming the fact that she’s still in one piece.

“What are you doing here? It’s your day off.”

Vanessa shrugs, leaning against the doorframe. “I got bored. What are you doing here? Do you live here? Serious question, is there a bunk tucked away somewhere in this office?”

“As convenient as that would be, I haven’t fully lost it yet, so no.” Brooke snorts.

Vanessa plops herself down on the edge of her desk, her matching lilac sweatshirt and sweatpants dwarfing her frame while making her look cozy. “I was going stir crazy after work.”

“Hmm?”

“At home.” Vanessa shrugs, her legs swinging a little as they dangle. “Don’t wanna do any chores, can’t talk to Alexis ‘cause she won’t shut up about the fact that I’m a whole ass meme. Can’t go on social media ‘cause it keeps crashing. Also, some reporters found my number and won’t stop calling me. That’s weird, right? Where’d they find that?”

Vanessa bites her lip as she fiddles with her hands on her lap, and the sight makes Brooke’s chest tighten. Sure, Vanessa is smiles and bravado personified, someone with an uncanny ability to charm the pants off of anyone who interacts with her, but her current situation is…exposing. It’s as if she’s put on display under a lens for the whole world to see and react to and share their thoughts on, and worst of all, it’s not in Vanessa’s control, or anyone’s control for that matter.

And despite Vanessa’s charisma and extroverted personality, Brooke understands how it can be unsettling. She’s been there, after all.

If only Brooke had a way to protect her. She’s her coach, isn’t she? Shouldn’t she know what to do? Except no rulebooks that Brooke has thumbed through have ever come with instructions on what to do when an athlete becomes an internet sensation. Especially when most of the time, athletes are trying to make it big on purpose.

Brooke lifts herself up, ambling around the desk to sit down beside Vanessa. There’s a vulnerability in Vanessa’s eyes that’s not often visible when others are around, like her teammates. No, it’s an expressiveness that Vanessa has allowed Brooke to begin to witness over time - the softer sides of her, the ones that are less polished and ready for an audience, and Brooke doesn’t want to ever take it for granted.

She holds out her hand and Vanessa intertwines their fingers without a second thought, their hands fitting together like pieces of a puzzle despite their difference in size. Vanessa’s palm is warm and there’s no way that Brooke can actually feel her pulse through their grip but from the way that Vanessa’s looking up at her, she wonders if their heartbeats are in sync.

Brooke looks at Vanessa, really looks at her. She’s someone that Brooke has trained for a while now, someone who is trying to convince her to marathon Bad Girls Club, someone who Brooke considers a friend - Vanessa’s her friend, right? Is that what they are? Vanessa texts her memes while she’s at work and makes Brooke laugh more than she ever thought she could during training sessions and that’s what friends are supposed to do, aren’t they? At least, Brooke thinks so. Sure, Vanessa is her athlete and someone that Brooke trains and there’s a certain level of professionalism that goes into a coaching scenario but…it’s different. This is different.

Vanessa is more than just her athlete. She’s someone that Brooke cares about, someone who deserves everything and Brooke just wishes that she could give it to her, make her happy because her smile is the cutest thing and always lights up a room. So it makes sense, then, the way that Brooke’s heart tugs, seeing Vanessa like this, her shoulders slightly slumped and her leg bouncing from anxious energy.

“I wish I could control it, y’know? I feel like it’s a beast that’s definitely outta my skill set ‘cause last I checked, ‘Miss Vanjie’ was still trending on Twitter. How is a dumb meme spreading so fast?” Vanessa pulls out her phone, her eyebrows scrunching together when the screen is already lit up with notifications. “Christ on a bike.”

If only there was a way that Brooke could shield Vanessa from all of this - no, not shield her, but rather help her wield the spotlight that’s been cast on her. Somehow give her a chance to sit in the driver’s seat with control over what her new audience can see. Brooke wracks her brain, trying to think back to her professional boxing days and how she’d managed her career. Well, not that she’d done the managing, Detox had done that for her-

Oh.

“I don’t know if control would be the right word, but managing, maybe? I know someone who might be able to help with that.” Brooke ventures, because hey, it’s been years since she’s talked to Detox, much less been a client of hers but maybe she’ll have some suggestions.

Maybe she’ll even take Vanessa on as a client of her own.

Vanessa raises an eyebrow. “Who? The lord himself so that he can control all of social media?”

“What? No,” Brooke snorts, “though I like that suggestion. I was thinking more in the direction of my old manager.”

Hell, Brooke doesn’t even know if Detox is still in sports management anymore because it’s been years, after all. Though Brooke supposes it’s never a bad idea to at least look into her - having someone that she already knows and trusts is better than a random sleazeball who could be trying to fleece Vanessa for a fat check.

Brooke’s definitely not going to let Vanessa be taken advantage of, that’s for sure.

Vanessa looks unconvinced. “A manager? Slow down, ‘cause I’m not even a pro yet. I’m apparently the most amateur boxer to box this side of the equator, from that tournament. Wouldn’t a whole ass manager be a little fast?”

“First of all, continue that negative self talk, and that’ll translate to more reps during tomorrow’s morning workout.” Brooke gives Vanessa a look and her sheepish smile is enough to make her own expression soften almost immediately.

“Aye aye, captain.”

“Second,” Brooke continues, “you may not be a pro boxer just yet, but you seem to have splashed into the mainstream in a more memorable way than any pro boxer will ever be able to achieve. You have a platform now, and that’s not something that’s easy to get.”

“A platform built on a meme.” Vanessa mumbles, and Brooke nudges her shoulder.

“It’s your platform. Your microphone. Sure, it’s not exactly what you expected, but what big break ever is? It’s your turn to figure out what you want to do with it.”

Vanessa bites her lip. “You make it sound easy.”

“Sure as hell won’t be easy. Fame never really is, honestly. But I’ll be here with you to navigate through it and figure it out. If you’ll have me. Help you discover what kind of stage you want to have.” It’s presumptuous, Brooke knows, because she’s only Vanessa’s coach after all and it’s not like they’ve been working together for years and years, and maybe Vanessa doesn’t even care that much.

But then Vanessa’s throwing her arms around Brooke’s neck, and Brooke’s face is pressed against the soft cotton of her hoodie and it’s funny, really, how well Vanessa fits in her embrace, from the way she almost curls up against her. “You better be. You’re my coach, which means we’re automatically ride or dies, right? Isn’t that how it goes?”

“Is that how you want it to go?”

“Is that how you want it to go?“ Vanessa pulls back and the sudden uncertainty in her eyes makes Brooke want to reach out and smooth over her furrowed brow.

But she doesn’t. Instead, she pulls Vanessa back into a hug. “It’s definitely how I want it to go.”

“Good.” Vanessa’s voice is muffled as she shuffles closer in their hug. “Now call up your friend Detroit or whatever her name is, ‘cause we need her advice.”

“Detox?”

“Close enough.”

Find me at @plastiquetiaras ! Let me know your thoughts if you feel like it

[dragonsateyourtoast]

Special thanks to @skylarklanding for a donation to the Emergency Release Fund!

By the way, head on over to that blog to get a taste of some of Skylark’s art; similar to what I’m doing, you can show a donation and receive a custom art as thank-you!

Original post of mine

Prompt, courtesy of @writing-prompt-s: “It is impossible to erase a curse, but it is possible to trade it with someone else. You’ve been wandering for years, searching for someone willing to trade curses with you, but never suspected it would happen like this.” 

-

Not many people are unlucky enough to get hit with a real curse. A true curse, a curse that writes itself into your bones and blood, not some surface-level scuff on your soul. Those happen all the time; little things like a higher likelihood to stub your toe, or a few extra minutes of searching when you’ve lost your keys.

To be cursed with a true curse is different. It’s something that you feel in your lungs when it hits you, which screams like static in your mind when it activates. It lies dormant like a disease, letting you forget it exists occasionally, until the time comes for it to rear its ugly head and it spits venom into your life once again.

You can’t get rid of a real curse. The little ones? You can polish them away, or pay a witch to get rid of them, or whatever. But the real ones... those are powered by something greater than just a little bit of malice. Those ones aren’t just throwaway statements of “I hope you always forget about your tea” or little sigils drawn on paper and burned to ash. These ones are borne of blood.

I used to sing at a church. I’ve long since abandoned the church, after they told me I was evil for a good number of things, including my curse. I didn’t even think it was that bad, at first.

When I speak, things come to me. Animals, mostly. Sometimes it’s plants. Insects and spiders and stuff are the biggest problem. Birds are the next worst. No matter what I do, if I utter a single syllable, I am swarmed in an instant with everything alive around me except other people. I laughed on a lakeshore once - the fish died when we were trying to shove them back into the water. I sighed too loudly once, on a wet night; I’d never seen so many worms.

There are online boards for people who want to swap curses. I know you can do it - curses don’t like to be destroyed, but they love to hop around. They’re kind of sentient; they like to see new things. Sometimes, if you don’t give them what they want, they’ll evolve, force you to carry them harder. Mine is pretty dormant; I never speak, but it doesn’t cause problems. It can feel my misery.

I’m not going to get into what got me cursed in the first place. It was an accident, and it wasn’t even my fault, and I’m marked forever in more ways than one.

July, 2014. I sat in my room, reading a book. I don’t remember what it was. One of my friends messaged me, asking about a movie that was coming out, and while I was checking movie times I saw someone had pinged me in the curse boards.

Curious, I visited. I’ve had this curse for twelve years, mind you, and never been able to find anyone willing to switch me. It’s just too inconvenient.

But, there in the board, was a message in a five year old thread I’d made. It read:

“Hi! I saw your notice. I’m a wildlife biologist in Arkansas. I’m cursed too, and I think that you would be the perfect person to switch curses with, if you’re willing. It seems like you’re an active member of the forums, but it’s been a while; do you still have the same curse you did before? I’d really like to swap you for it, if that’s still possible.”

What? I stared at it, uncomprehending, until I finally messaged her directly through the site. “Thanks for your interest,” I told her. “What curse do you have, so I can know what I might be getting into?”

“Nothing too terrible,” she wrote back. “When I speak, whatever I say comes out in a different language. I never know which language it’s going to be, either, and if I stop speaking or take a breath, well, it switches. It’s really a nuisance if I’m trying to communicate with people! Yours seems to be that you can’t make any sound at all; being able to laugh or speak without consequences would be an improvement for you, right?”

“It would,” I wrote back. “And it would mean you have a lot less freedom in what you can say. Why do you want my curse?”

“I can’t explain it,” she said, “I guess I’ll have to tell you if it works.”

We agreed to meet up about six hours from where I lived, at the halfway point between our houses. I wasn’t working at the time - it’s difficult to hold a job when you can’t speak or your building suddenly reveals how many rats are in it - so I gathered what I needed and left the next morning.

Six hours. I had six hours while driving to wonder why she would choose to make her life worse, by preventing herself from even laughing. I couldn’t fathom why. Did she want every living thing to swarm her at all times? I say swarm - I mean it. Just because the curse brought the animals to me didn’t make them friendly. I’d been bitten, stung, pecked, and scratched more times than I could count.

Whatever. It probably wasn’t my place to ask. I hadn’t asked her how she had gotten cursed, she hadn’t asked me, and I wasn’t going to ask her what she wanted it for if she wasn’t willing to tell me.

I pulled into the designated place - a restaurant on a tiny little highway exit in the middle of nowhere. I stood next to my car and waited.

About fifteen minutes after I’d arrived, a car pulled into the parking lot a few spaces away from mine and shut off. A woman got out - probably about thirty, with dark brown hair and brown skin, warm green eyes shining out from her face. She glanced over, saw me, and her face lit up. “Zdravo!” she called, and I knew it was her - that wasn’t a language I recognized. I nodded in response.

She pulled out her phone as she came over, and opened up a notes app. I opened mine too, watching, and she wrote down. “Songbird, right?”

“That’s me,” I wrote back, showing my screen to her. “Got everything we need?”

“Yeah, I visited a witch before I left home; that’s what I did with the rest of yesterday.” She set down a bag that had been slung over her shoulder and pulled out a shiny green box. She opened it, pulling out a length of white silk, and held out a hand. I held out mine, and she grasped my forearm; I took hold of hers.

Together, we wound the white silk around our hands and arms, binding us together, and tied it on the bottom, which is a lot harder than you’d expect. Then she looked me in the eye, still brimming with excitement. “Bist du so weit?” she asked, and then sighed and rolled her eyes. “Är du färdig?”

That still didn’t make sense, but I got the sense she was asking me if I was ready. I nodded sharply.

She began to speak. I didn’t understand it, of course. The language must’ve changed at least four times as she was trying to talk, and I couldn’t get a word of it, though I kind of understood some of what sounded like maybe French. I did catch her name, though: Maria Coombs. She finished, and looked up to me, expectantly.

My turn. This was going to be rough. I opened my mouth, swallowing; I really, really didn’t talk often. “My name’s Sage Lawson. I willingly take on to myself the burden this stranger bears, so that they might carry mine in turn.”

Above, I saw a flock of starlings divert swiftly in its path; a fly bounced off my face. “I give to this person the magic that has plagued me. I take upon myself the magic that has plagued her. Together, we give to each other.”

Nothing seemed to happen, but the starlings fluttered into a nearby tree and began to squawk at each other, ignoring me. I looked warily up at them.

“Is that it, then?” Maria said, and gasped, her eyes going wide. She clamped a hand over her mouth. The birds overhead hopped downwards into the branches surrounding us, eyes black and wary.

I hastily unbound our hands. I was still too nervous to talk. Maria picked up her phone. “Say something!” she tapped out, and showed it to me, grinning.

I rubbed my hands together. “Antoka,” I said, still feeling my voice rasp in my throat, and paused. I’d meant to say “sure,” but my mouth had just... said something else. The feeling was uncomfortable, to say the least. “... أعتقد أنه نجح.”

Maria clapped her hands together. She was beaming, brighter than I’d ever seen anybody smile. I ran my hand over my mouth, shaking my head. I could speak... though I wouldn’t make any sense. Whatever. I could work with this. I could work with this!

“Thank you,” Maria typed back, still beaming. “Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means to me.”

I didn’t, really, but she was so happy, I couldn’t help but smile and even give a little breath of a laugh. That was more than I could’ve done before.

I handed Maria the silk back. She took it, replacing it in the box, and put it back in her bag. Already, she was humming.

You could hum, I remembered. You just couldn’t open your mouth and speak, or laugh, or sigh too loudly. Humming was the only thing that had saved me from despair after I’d been cursed.

“Maria,” I called, as she walked back over to her car with a bounce in her step, and she turned, eyebrows raised.

“Hmm?” she said, without opening her mouth.

“Ευχαριστούμε,” I said, with a smile.

Maria may not have known the language, but she understood a thank you when she heard one. She beamed at me, waved, and got back into her car.

Three months later, I got a message from Maria, the wildlife biologist living in Arkansas. It was an email that she’d sent after getting my email address from my account on the curse forums, where I’d been busy figuring out how to work with my new curse.

“Thanks,” it read, “for all the help. You have no idea what this means to me.”

Attached were two pictures. One was of her on a canoe, floating through some kind of forested swampy area, and the other was a photograph - in full color and perfect clarity - of an ivory-billed woodpecker.

[lovemesomesurveys]

-What was the last song that you sang out loud? I’ve had Dance Again by Selena Gomez stuck in my head.

-If someone has bad breath, do you tell him or her? No :X I’m the worst about that stuff cause people will tell you they would want you to tell them, but I just feel so awkward about it and like how do you even bring something like that up? I mean, I have done the thing where I get some gum and offer them some haha, but I don’t tell them their breath smells.

-With which friend are you most likely to share a secret? I share my secrets with ya’ll and Twitter, ha.

-Do you have an item that comforts you when you are sad/scared? No. Well, unless count my phone cause I can use the YouTube app and listen to ASMR, which is calming for me.

-When are you likely to hide your emotions? I do that majority of the time. Well, try to. I downplay them a lot. I’m not as good at it anymore as I used to be. These past few years my emotions started taking over and getting the best of me. When I’m in a mood, I shut down and just get quiet and standoffish. If you talk to me, I’m short and you can just see all over my face.

-Which is scarier: Dying of thirst or of starvation? Both would be horrible.

-Who was the last person to take your breath away? I haven’t felt that way from a person in a very long time.

-When you turn on the TV, what channel do you flip to? My go-to channels to check first are always E! and MTV. If nothing of interest is on, then I just scroll through the guide. It also depends on the time of day.

-Have you ever tried to help someone quit smoking? No.

-What was the last comment someone made on your music taste? I don’t recall.

-Where do you go/what do you do when you need to calm down? My bed. I’ll typically listen to an ASMR video and probably find a survey to ramble about it in and/or tweet about it. Okay let’s be real, before I do any of that I probably have a good cry first.

-What was the last mess you cleaned up? Uhh I mean, I threw away my paper plate and napkins I used yesterday after I finished eating.

- [TW] Have you ever had to talk anyone out of suicide? Yes.

-When you think of tomorrow, what feelings come to mind? Nothing.

-Who, in your opinion, has an amazing voice? Demi Lovato first came to mind. She sang the hats and helmets off of everyone during her Super Bowl performance of the National Anthem.

-Would you ever camp out on a beach, under the stars? No.

-What is the last thing you complained about? Not feeling well and about how achey I am.

-What was the last curse-word you said? Probably “shit.”

-When you fake sick to get out of school, what do you say or do to convince your parents that you are sick? I’m 30 years old and no longer in school, but when I was younger I didn’t really have to do that because I felt sick often enough.

-How did you recover from your last bout of tears? I cried them all out and then just did my usual activities (Tumblr, surveys, YouTube, watched TV).

-Do you still talk to your very first best friend? No.

-When was the last time something went terribly wrong? Blah.

-How do you console someone when he or she is upset? I’m soooo awkward when it comes to that. I just let them vent if they need to, but I struggle with what to say and do.

-Have you ever seen either one of your parents cry? I’ve seen both and it’s the worst thing ever to me. I hate seeing one of my parents cry.

-Choose one: Trip to outerspace, or trip underneath the oceans? Oh jeez, you just listed a couple of my biggest fears.

-How often do you feel overwhelmed? Often.

-How do you deal with everyday life? I...don’t. :/

-Do you have any secret obsessions or guilty pleasures? Nah. I’m not ashamed of any of the things I like.

-Aside from on this survey, what was the last thing you wrote about? Whatever I last tweeted. I forget.

-Who in your family do you act like the most? I have a lot of my dad’s personality traits. He’s moody, irritable, and easily stressed and overwhelmed. Sound familiar?

-What is the most romantically sweet thing someone has done for you? Ty did a lot of things. The thing that always stands out is one year during Christmas he drove to my house one night because had a present for me and it consisted of little things that I mentioned briefly that I liked and it was just really sweet cause it showed he was actually listening and paying attention. The fact he remembered and then went out and bought those things for me was just really, really sweet. He was so excited to give it to me. He didn’t want me to open them right then, he wanted me to wait until Christmas and send him a video of me opening them so he could see my reaction.

-When you go out to the mall, do people stare? When I go anywhere in public people stare.

-Have you ever been confronted by a mall cop for your behavior? No, but I did have one tell me to take my hood off haha. I just came in and it was raining and he came up to me like, “you need to take off your hood.” Like okay jeez.

-What just tears at your heartstrings? Hearing about a child dying or being abused. Animal abuse, too. Breaks my heart.

-Is there a show you swear that you will never watch? I don’t feel that strongly, but there’s a lot of shows I have no interest in watching.

-What was the last topic that you ranted about? I don’t remember.

-Is there someone that makes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Sometimes. I’ve been told people feel that way around me as well.

-Were you ever afraid of one of your past teachers? No.

-Have you ever been in a physical fight on school grounds? No. Or ever.

-Have you written anything in a bathroom stall? What, if anything? Nope.

-Is your school like the drama capital of the country? I wasn’t involved in any of that when I was in school. I heard some stuff, but I wasn’t all invested in it like a lot of people.

-A homeless man asks you for 50 cents; how do you respond? If I have it, sure. I don’t usually have any change or cash on me, though.

-When was the last time you visited a thrift store? I don’t go to any.

-Can you handle constructive criticism? I can’t say I wouldn’t feel some type of way about it, ha. I’m just a sensitive bitch. Guess it would depend on what it was about, though. Like if someone was like, “hey, red doesn’t really look great with your skin tone and it clashes with your hair, you shouldn’t wear that” I wouldn’t care. I’d still wear it if I wanted.

Who is the most sensitive person that you know? Meeeee.

-Have you ever had a tooth (or teeth) pulled? Yes.

-You can have one famous person’s wardrobe; who do you choose, and why? I guess someone who was very casual like me and likes to wear graphic tees and leggings. I’d like to have their collection, ha.

-When was the last time you wrote someone a note? I have no idea.

-Do you tell your parents before you go somewhere, or just leave? My family and I are 4 adults living together and we all tell each other when we’re leaving and where we’re going. It’s just our thing. If something were to happen, we’d at least have an idea of where the other was headed. And it’s just common courtesy to us to say goodbye.

-What was the last thing you tried to get out of doing? I’d like to get out of my doctor appointment this afternoon. I’m still recouping.

-On average, how many surveys do you fill out in one day? It varies. Usually a few. Some days more than others.

-How many hours a day do you spend on Bzoink? I don’t use Bzoink.

-Which season do you dread the most? Summer D: It seems to go on forever and it just gets SO hot and miserable here.

-Do you ever brag about your achievements? I’ve never been one to brag. Not that I have anything to brag about, but it’s not a cute look.

-When was the last time that you watched the sun come up? Last week. We were at the airport before the sun was up and it was coming up after we just got on the plane.

-What did you do last Halloween? Watched scary movies and got takeout.

-Last Thanksgiving? Had a nice, big, delicious feast with my family.

-Last Christmas - if you celebrate? Christmas morning we got up early like we always do to open presents and then messed around with our stuff before pretty much resting the rest of the day. Oh, and we had our Christmas dinner that we usually do Christmas Eve, but my mom had to work until midnight that night.

-How did you celebrate the arrival of the new year? My mom and I watched the New Year’s festivities and counted down while the ball dropped. My dad fell asleep at like 9, so he was already out for the night and my brother was out with friends.

-Is there a foreign culture you’d like to learn more about? It’s interesting to learn about different cultures.

-Have you ever (purposely or accidentally) played with someone’s heart? I don’t think so. I’ve had it done to me a lot, though.

-Has anyone ever played with yours? Yes.

-Have you ever seen a famous painting and thought “I could have done that?” I admit that I’ve seen ones that were just like splatters and thought that. :X

-Fire drills: Did you ever wish they were real … just once? Yeah as a kid cause all that came to mind was we’d get to go home and not that it would mean there was an actual fire haha.

-What is the scariest thing about attending your school? I’m done with school.

-Are you a good judge of other people’s intentions? I think so.

What was the last thing that you felt strongly about? My faith.

-Shopping: best with friends, parents, bf/gf, or alone? Alone at home online, ha.

-What is one insecurity you have about your body? Everything.

-What is one part of your body that you are proud of? I like my hair currently only cause I recently got it colored and trimmed (finally).

-When was the last time someone told you to turn your music down? The night before we left for our trip. I was up late packing and my mom came in to ask me to turn my music down, ha. I didn’t end up sleeping at all that night. We left for the airport at 430. I didn’t sleep at all on the ride there or on our flight. I didn’t sleep until that night at the hotel. I honestly have NO idea how I did it.

-When you don’t know how to spell a word, do you look it up? Yeah, I just Google it real quick.

-Are you one to spend a lot of time in the bathroom? No.

-Have you seen the movie Super Size Me? Yeah, we had to in class. We watched it my sophomore year in my history class for some reason haha.

-Do you still eat at McDonald’s, regardless of that film? I was turned off to it for a little bit afterwards, but it didn’t last long. haha. I mean yeah, don’t eat it 3 times a day obviously.

-Do you ever consider the challenges other races go through? Yes.

-When was the last time you doubted your abilities? All the time. What abilities?

-At your favorite restaurant, what do you order? I always order chicken tenders and fries at any restaurant, ha.

-What was the last thing you wished for? I don’t wish for things.

-How many times a day, on average, do you look at the time? A lot.

[eirinisnote]

Here's what I learned in every lesson of the course "Learn Like A Pro: Science -Base Tools To Become Better At Anything". This course is being instructed by these professionals: Barb Oakley and Olav Schewe.

Lesson 1: LEARNING MEANS LINKING

Learning means building a strong neural link so that it will remain in your long-term memory. Let us imagine that neuron having an arm called, axon. Legs are called dendrites. And toes called spines. Every time that we will learn something, these neural links will connect; axon to spines -until you're able to build very long neural links. As time goes by, these links will soon let go of each other the reason why we forgot what we studied. One of the best ways for it to be stronger and will most likely remain in your long-term memory is by doing retrieval practice. This is where you will perform or do something you just learned. For example, you have an exam for tomorrow. What you need to do is to study the material and then, challenge yourself afterward. If you are studying math, then try to solve that particular problem until you're able to perfect them. After that, try another problem and another and another. How about when you're studying the definition of terms? All you have to do is to search for definitions or informations about those terms. And! My very tip is not to memorize those terms, but instead, try to analyze them by heart. Then after that, challenge yourself by making flashcards and try to answer them on your own.

LESSON 2: HOW TO OVERCOME PROCRASTINATION

It is undeniable that we easily got distracted in this time of online learning. Those things hinder us to become more productive and finish what we planned to do. Distractions lead to Procrastination. You planned to do something for today but then you got distracted because you received a message from your best friend then you started talking until you notice that your plan of studying was ruined. And you just decided to chill and relax since your plan is already ruined. One of your thoughts might be, "I will study later instead". "It can wait". Or... "the due for this activity is still next week. I still have time blah blah blah..".

If you think that way, pal, then I tell you, you should change your mindset. So here's the solution mentioned in this course.

Since you procrastinated because of distractions. Then, let us know the root of this. First of all, avoid multitasking. Stop yourself from checking your phone from time to time. As much as possible, keep your phone away from your workplace or study place. But if you are studying or working using your phone, then I suggest you turn off your app notifications so that you won't be easily tempted to open that app whenever you're being notified. Also, I recommend you to download this app called, "Freedom". It is available on Google Play Store for Android and Apple store for IOS. (Disclaimer: This whole blog is not sponsored.)

The second way to avoid procrastinating is to do a Pomodoro Technique. In this, you will take a 5-minute break in every 25 minutes you study or even longer. That 5-minute break is important after a long period of studying to avoid your brain getting overwhelmed. If your brain is overwhelmed with all the information it just processed, it won't build strong links that will make it remain in your memory. Also, remember that do not use that 5-minute breaks to open your phone because it will result in you being distracted again and you will lose your momentum on your study. Instead, use those breaks to chill and simply rest your eyes and mind or stand up, drink water and look outside your window. Just simply relax.

LESSON 3: HOW TO OVERCOME BEING STUCK

There are two methods of learning: Focus and Diffused mode. In focus mode, this is where you're paying attention to what you're doing. You will start searching and studying about that specific subject. But in Diffused Mode, you let your mind wander and rest after a long period of working your ass of studying. You might have a short walk or a brunch. Just simply have a peace of mind. With that, whenever your mind is in diffused mode, set of ideas will come into your mind. That is why resting your mind is really an important part of studying. Here's the best example for that. You study a math subject because you have an upcoming exam for tomorrow. But then, the problems you're trying to solve are sooo difficult. For you not to get stuck in those problems, the first thing you should do is to do a quick scan of your paper and look for the most difficult problem. Then, try to solve it. If you feel like being stuck because you don't know already what you're doing, try to skip that item. Then, try to answer those problems that you think are easier than the previous one. When you do that, your brain now get the pattern of how to answer those problems. You now have idea! After answering the easiest ones, try to answer the problem that you were trying to solve earlier - the difficult one. You may notice that you can already answer it smoothly because your brain acquired the pattern you have to follow in order to answer that.

Another example is base on my experience. There was a sudden event in our college department and we are all divided into teams. We are given a task wherein each team will compete and whoever got the highest score will be the overall champion of that event. Our team had a sudden meeting when we heard about the announcement of the event that will already be held next week.

Before I fall asleep, a bunch of ideas was bombarded in my head. And of course, I noted those ideas because I cannot let those slip. The next day, I told one of our leaders about it. I was glad that he approved my suggestions! What made me happy the most is that we won awards in that competition!

What I want to imply here is that at the time that I got those ideas, my brain was in diffused mode. This only proves that diffusing or resting your mind in some moment is also a part of learning. It's not just a simple rest because your brain is still working while you're chilling.

LESSON 4: HOW TO MAXIMIZE YOUR WORKING

For us to maximize the activities done, we should always consider our working memory and always keep in mind its capability. What I want to say here is that, don't overwork or multitask if you think that that activity is hard enough to handle another one. For example, you are listening to your professor discuss calculus. You find that subject so difficult so while your professor is teaching in front, you are taking notes. Which is I will tell you, a wrong move! Your working memory will only work in you taking notes, so instead of absorbing the ideas your professor is teaching, you won't get any idea about it because your memory is focused on making your eyes focus and hand move to take notes. My suggestion is that: DO NOT TAKE NOTES WHILE LISTENING! Keep your notebook away if you think that the subject is difficult enough so you really have to pay attention. Listen attentively and if you're still confused, don't hesitate to ask your professor. Then after class, that's the time you will take notes. Try to recall what you have learned in that lesson. In that way, you can retrieve it and it is most likely to remain in your long-term memory. Or if you think you forgot something, try to borrow some notes from your classmates. That is the case when you are in face-to-face learning or a live meeting. But in our case right now, wherein you will just watch videos of your lecture, then it's okay to pause it when there is something to take note of. But I will still suggest finishing that video, then take notes afterward. 📝

LESSON 5: DIGGING DEEPER INTO STRENGTHENING

I learned here that if you are studying for an upcoming exam, like let's say, next week or the other week, you should plot a schedule for your study time. What for? For our brain not to get overwhelmed. If you study all your study materials in just one day, it will be just put to waste because your brain won't process it. The best thing to do here is to plot a schedule, like, 2 or 3 hours a day. Our brain needs to get enough rest. Our brain is just like a phone. It will overheat if you use it non-stop and it will just result in greater damage. Also, do not forget to exercise. Exercising produces BDNF. It stands for Brain-derived neuro factor. It is like a fertilizer in our brain which helps our brain absorb more information.

Another way for effective studying is that, try to associate what you've learned with things that are already familiar to you or try to look at it in the bigger picture. For example, you are studying history, and then try to associate or connect that to things that you already know. In that way, you will be able to build a deeper understanding of what you're studying. Or if you think that's not applicable to you, then try this another method. Use a metaphor. This is where you will let your imagination win. Like, for example, you are studying science and it is mentioned there that mitochondria is the power house of the cell. You can imagine that as a battery that contains electrons, right? Those are just some of the methods you can do to strengthen your understanding about a certain subject.

LESSON 6: HOW TO MEMORIZE MORE EASILY

There are many ways you probably do already for memorizing your study material. But let me enumerate these effective ways of memorizing. The first one is through retrieval practice. If you notice, I mentioned it a lot already. It is because this is the best method of learning. I know you already heard the phrase "practice makes perfect". That's true. A very powerful way of learning is through practice. The second is that, through acronym or using a sentence form from keywords. This is the thing that I always do way back in high school when there is an upcoming departmental exam. And I can say that it's effective but since I didn't learn it from my heart, I forgot it eventually (After the exam hehe). Don't do that tho. I feel like I was a bad example when I was in high school. Yes, I was studying hard, but I didn't learn it by heart. I was studying or much better to say that I was just memorizing those terms to pass. Which is wrong, right? Because who are studying to learn, not just to pass. So, yeah. Let's move on to the third method which is making mental images. Just use your imagination when doing this so that you will easily memorize it. For example, in the text that you are reading, they are describing how the nervous system works. Use your imagination to build a mental image of that. This is just like the metaphor mentioned in the previous lesson. The last method is that through building a mental palace. Think of a place that is so familiar to you then try to imagine the things that are mentioned in your study material in that place. Like let's say, there is helium mentioned in your lesson. Let's represent a balloon for that. Then imagine that that balloon is in that place.

LESSON 7: INTRODUCTION TO DECLARATIVE AND PROCEDURAL SYSTEM

In this lesson, i learned that there are two systems working in our brain: Declarative and Procedural System. Declarative system uses the hippocampus in our brain. In this system, you are studying a particular subject, like, you are memorizing the formulas in your mathematic subject and /or studying terms in your science subject. Declarative system is fast to learn, but slow to use. On the other hand, Procedural System is a complicated case and uses basal ganglia in our brain. This is where you build your physical skills, like, riding a bike, learning to drive, swimming, and any other activities that require actions. This is also where you build a habit . Procedural System is slow to learn but fast to use. Best example for this is a mastery of a language. Let's say, you are studying a translation or meaning of every word in other language. But when you try to a native speaker, it is so hard to build a sentence! That is why, practice is needed. When you trained yourself speaking in that particular language, then, you will most likely be fluent in that language! Easy as 1, 2, 3? Not.

LESSON 8: HOW TO GAIN INTUITION AND THINK FAST

[To be continued, LOL]

[fucklawschool]

Habitica ideas for students

I’ve been using Habitica for a while now and I love it. The reason I love it so much is that I can use it to track pretty much everything, even apart from the normal productivity stuff, if I’m a little creative. 

As for setting all of this up, I highly recommend doing that on desktop. The mobile app is great for on the go but I wouldn’t recommend it for putting an entire new system in place (maybe that’s just me, though).

So here are some maybe a little more unconventional ideas for Habitica usage: 

HABITS

My habits are mostly positive with few exceptions because it’s much easier to reward yourself for doing something than to punish yourself for not doing something, in my opinion. Plus, I feel like it works out, too, because after all, you do usually want to feed your pets or buy equipment or buy quests.

Water tracker: Drinking water is important, yo. The way I go about this is I have a positive habit called “1l of water” and I just hit the + for every liter I drink. I’ve set it to reset daily so I can see at how many liters I roughly am at for the day. If you struggle with drinking water more, you can also just put “drink a glass of water” and set the difficulty to hard instead of easy, as I have it set because at this point I’m pretty used to drinking a shit ton of water, I just like to keep an overview in case I’m busy and forget. That’s the beauty of Habitica vs other apps, you can modify it to your needs! 

Meet friends: This one I have set to reset every week so that I can see at a glance whether I’m having a social life. Having “high density” fun (as Thomas Frank frequently puts it) is crucial to my mental health, yet I tend to do it too little especially when I’m stressed and instead sit there on my phone wondering where the hours went and feeling generally very blah. I only have this as a positive habit because I don’t want to and need to force myself to do something with friends every single day (what’s up fellow introverts), but I’m aiming for at least once a week of my own accord, so not counting when I see them in a uni context or at fixed activities. I have this set on hard to motivate myself to actually do it, too, since I have to leave the house to fulfill it.

Color: As you may have noticed (X, X) coloring is a bit of a hobby of mine so the habit isn’t really necessary right now while I’m still technically on break and have more time to do it, but I like to keep it in there anyway. I usually color while listening to podcasts because that goes hand in hand, and many podcasts I listen to are also somewhat educational (hmu with your favorites, I’d love to discover some new ones!) while still expanding my horizons beyond what I learn at uni. This one I have set to medium, because while it is a hobby that I like to do, there’s definitely some resistance because you have to be very focused and can’t really do other stuff except listen to podcasts simultaneously. Coloring is very therapeutic to me, and I’m not an artsy person, so maybe give it a shot! You can also replace coloring with any artistic habit, obviously.

Read or listen to podcast instead of watching TV: I love doing both of these things yet they start to get infinitely harder when you’re at uni and running around town trying to stay alive during the semester. Reading especially is very beneficial to my mental health and I love doing it, but it’s just so much harder to pick up a book than to hit play on Netflix. I should probably split these two habits up now that I think about it, because I do tend to read much less than I listen to podcasts. Either way, the difficulty setting here is hard with a daily reset although it doesn’t really matter that much as both daily and weekly resets are equally suited for the purpose in my opinion. 

One book per week: Ah yes, my reading goal. I am terrible at reading slowly and steadily during the year which leads me to binge read on vacation. Now, while I love doing that and I don’t perceive it as a stressful, I would prefer to also read during the year. This habit is set to hard with a weekly reset, and it is both a positive and a negative (which means I probably have to hit the - today, siiiiigh). 

Work out: During the school year, I weirdly don’t struggle with working out a lot because I see it as a study break and I’m one of those people who actually looks forward to working out and hitting some goals. This one also has a weekly reset, hard difficulty and is both a positive and a negative habit, however, I only hit the - when I was supposed to work out and didn’t. This is partly the reason why I don’t want my workout as a daily, I don’t like having fixed days because sometimes you gotta move your schedule around a bit and I simply aim to work out 4-5 times a week. I’m looking into starting an exercise class for swimming next semester, though, so if I do join that one, I will absolutely make it a daily. 

Meal not eaten at desk: Kind of a weird one. I started developing this terrible habit of constantly doing everything at my desk last year, especially eating. Now, if you don’t have a ton of space and roommates, it makes sense for your desk to be basically where you spend your entire day, but I want my desk to be as much of a work only, no play space as it can be, even with limited space, and eating at it is a very bad idea to keep that mental separation in place. Also, I want to be focus on what I’m eating as much as possible and not do five things simultaneously. So, in order to motivate myself to eat my food at the dining room table, I’ve made this a simply positive habit with a medium difficulty and a daily reset as I usually eat three meals a day.

Cook: If you follow me, you probably already know I’m a big proponent of home-cooked meals. But cooking is time consuming, exhausting and hard sometimes when all you want after a long day at uni is some sushi. I aim to cook at a proper meal at least two or three times a week and try to avoid takeout as much as possible. To motivate me, I have this as a positive habit, at a hard difficulty and a weekly reset. 

Go to bed before midnight: I struggle with this. A lot. However, I do need my sleep - when I don’t sleep at least seven hours, I’m unfocused, cranky and tired. Plus, it’s really bad for athletic recovery. Getting to bed before midnight at least ensures I’ll be getting seven hours (since I try to get up at 7:00), ideally I’d get eight or nine, but I’m trying to stay realistic here. I have this as a positive habit with a weekly reset and at a hard difficulty. I don’t see the point in making it a daily because I know I won’t do it (I could, however, maybe make “get to bed before 1:00 a daily, to get brownie points for getting to bed even earlier than I needed to, I might yet do that).

EDIT: It’s been brought to my attention by the lovely @gold-n-mind​ that mobile doesn’t show the counter, something I didn’t really think of because I only use Habitica of my phone when I can’t avoid it but mostly use it on desktop. You can still set up everything how I mention it, but you will have to check the count on desktop, as of right now there doesn’t seem to be another way for mobile users. For potential mobile only users, this is what I’m referring to:

DAILIES

These, just like the habits, will be very personal. My dailies tend to change a lot because when I’m back home at my parent’s I don’t really need cleaning dailies for example. But here are some ideas nevertheless:

Get up within 15 minutes of waking up: I suck at this. I tend to waste away time in my bed, staying on my phone for 30 minutes before I even think about getting up. But a quick jumpstart to my day is extremely beneficial for my productivity, so I’m trying to work on it. This is due every day since lounging about in bed makes me tired and cranky and consumes time I could be using to eat breakfast while watching youtube.

Morning skincare/evening skincare: Pretty self-explanatory. Due every day.

Open window: Due every day. I try to always open my window before I start studying, as I don’t really leave it open over night and fresh air is obviously very helpful for da brain. Also, the cold air tends to help me wake up. 

Make bed: I never used to do this. But then I read “Unfuck your habitat” and I saw the merit in starting your day on a positive, structured note while making your room seem more tidy. Also, these easy dailies give me something to check off before getting started on my harder to dos, which is a concept known as momentum. Due every day.

Do a 20/10 of cleaning somewhere: Another lesson from UFYH. It means you do 20 minutes of tidying somewhere, then take a 10 minute break. I have found I rarely really need more than 20 minutes, and you can easily integrate one 20/10 somewhere in your daily schedule. It’s not fun, but constantly chipping away at messes means you don’t have to do huge binge-cleans. Due every day, but usually not needed every day.

Take out trash if needed: Tasks like these (this one is exemplary because I have a lot of these when I’m in my apartment during the semester) are great because they get you check if you have to do something every day and if they’re due, you do them right away since you’re already there checking! If they’re not due, you can easily check something off your dailies without actually doing work. Of course, the difficulty setting on these is usually trivial, but taking out the trash is a very trivial task, you just tend to put if off forever. Other ideas for this are put on laundry, check the mail, etc.

Week review/weekly planning: This is due every Sunday. I suck at following through and do need to get better at it, but actually looking at your week in advance and knowing what’s gonna happen when as well as getting into the mindset for Monday does help. 

Study dailies: These will vary wildly depending on what kind of study system and schedule you have! I have a general study daily with a checklist that says “x pages” and “flashcards”. I also now have a separate flashcard daily with a checklist for every set of flashcards I’m trying to get done. Like I said, it will vary - for some of you having a daily with a certain goal of pomodoros may work (I don’t really utilize the pomodoro method a lot, though), some of you just need a push so “study for 30 minutes” may be enough to set you on a productive course. I change up my study dailies most frequently of all of them because they change a lot depending on what subject I’m focusing on, but most of the time I’ll only have them due during the week, sometimes also on Saturdays. 

Go to class: I don’t really struggle with this because I literally cannot skip more often than once or they fail me, but why not reward yourself for leaving your comfy flat and braving the real world? These are also easy to set up because classes generally take place on a weekly basis, just set them as due on the weekday when the class is, and if you don’t struggle with going to class like me, you can always set the difficulty to trivial.

TO DOS

I won’t really go in depth on the to dos, because I feel like they’re pretty self-explanatory. I will explain a couple, but apart from that it’s pretty personal and whatever you have going on, just throw it on there. 

Grocery list: This is the only more “unconventional” use I have for to dos. I like to make one to do that says “grocery shop” and then put everything I need as a separate sub-point. This works really well and I like to do it this way mainly so I don’t have my shit spread out over five list apps. The only drawback is that you can’t share that list with friends (unless you shell out €€ and get a group plan), so if you have a joint shopping list with a roommate, you might not be able to use this.

University readings: I like to make huge tasks of my required reading with tons of sub-points so that the reward is proportional to the pain (lol). The drawback to this method is that you don’t get the instant gratification of being able to check off a task at the end of the day, but I use dailies to work like this so my to dos are kind of a more long-term overview of where I want to be by what date. You can be as detailed with this as you want, but I just kind of use the big chapter headings. You could also divide it by pages, though. Whatever floats your boat.

[recentanimenews]

Virtual Crunchyroll Expo TIPS: How to Make the Most of the Weekend

  Crunchyroll recently revealed the full show schedule for Virtual Crunchyroll Expo 2020, which will light up the Internet with a packed lineup over the September 4-6 weekend. Definitely check it out and plan accordingly if you haven’t already! With so much going on over the course of just a few days—some of which is scheduled concurrently—you might be wondering how you’ll be able to experience it all without some serious screen management. 

  Thankfully, we have no shortage of experts involved in the event itself to turn to for some much-needed insider tips. If you find yourself torn between two panels, or trying to figure out when you could possibly fit in a solid hour of chill time at Yuzu’s Cat Café, consider this your strategy guide! 

    Getting the Most Out of V-CRX

  Throughout Virtual Crunchyroll Expo, everything from fan panels to special industry guests, and even concerts, will be available across four different stages: Crunchyroll Stage, Hime Stage, Yuzu Stage, and Sudachi Stage. And that’s just the Theater District! What are you, made of eyeballs? No worries, because V-CRX On Demand is here to save the day. Learn more about V-CRX On Demand and other insider tips to get the most out of the weekend, straight from the pros. 

  Mary Franklin, Head of Events

  At first glance, it might seem daunting that Virtual Crunchyroll Expo has four concurrent livestreams. To help you avoid missing amazing contente we created V-CRX On Demand. Once the show starts, fans can enter V-CRX On Demand through a portal in the Theater District. We’ll open the show with some content already pre-loaded there, then throughout the weekend content will be added after it has played in the streams. Almost all the weekend’s content will be available in V-CRX On Demand. Insider’s Tip: V-CRX On Demand runs 24 hours per day, from 10:00 am Pacific Friday, September 4 until 10:00 am Pacific Monday, September 7.

  While our headline guests and great programming deserve a lot of attention, don’t forget that Virtual Crunchyroll Expo has four districts to explore. One that’s worth extra time is the New Crunchy City Anime Arts District, with a curated selection of anime artists from a number of countries, many of whom ship anywhere. The Super Arcade District features exclusive galleries created just for V-CRX, plus free show giveaways, cosplay backgrounds, and a real live (virtual) kitten adoption café, Yuzu’s Cat Café.

  Adam Sheehan, Director of Events

  With so much programming, I recommend everyone look over the schedule in advance to determine what panels to watch as they premiere, as well as any conflicting panels to note for watching when it is added to V-CRX On Demand later that day. Oh, and don't miss watching Crunchyroll-Hime's Cosplay Cup live on Saturday night! Outside of that, I would encourage everyone to explore around the Virtual Crunchyroll Expo site to see everything there is to offer over the weekend. I'm betting they will find a surprise or two by doing this.

  Stacy Burt, Senior Marketing Manager

  Plan ahead! With so much to see right out of the gate on September 4, you'll want to make sure you're ready to fully enjoy the weekend. This means registering ahead of time and activating your badge before the convention starts (this will allow you to take part in activities like the Onyx Equinox scavenger hunt), planning your streaming schedule (and making room for breaks — I recommend some time in one of our Quiet Rooms for a moment of anime zen), and making a list of artists and exhibitors you want to check back on for show specials.

  Lauren Stevens, Events Manager

  The biggest key is probably planning ahead and checking out the website now. Just like your first time at a new convention, it’s helpful to get the lay of the land, and figure out where the panels, exhibitors, and artists are located. The schedule is packed and instead of long lines waiting for food, I can plan my con menu early, so I don’t miss a beat. Super Arcade is like the home to all extras, and who doesn’t love more stuff at an anime con? I can’t wait to see it all live.

  Ricky Resurreccion, Crunchyroll Expo Events Director

  The amount of V-CRX content and features can be overwhelming. Like being in a theme park for the first time, the best first step is to plan ahead. Once you have familiarized yourself with the schedule, have made plans for which activities and the panels you want to attend, be a power V-CRX attendee by accessing certain items directly. We have provided multiple areas in the site where fans can access direct links to specific activities: Use any of the four buttons of our STAGES to access a panel directly.  Want to watch panels you missed? We have provided two direct access points to the V-CRX On Demand area on the homepage and the site navigation bar. Need to check the schedule? Easy! We have a button in the middle of the homepage or a section in the nav bar for that.   

  Here's another cool tip—Make the companion app work for you. Once the app is released before the show, mark your favorite panel or the artists and exhibitors you wish to check out to your "FAVORITES." This will make it easier to revisit or re-access them!

    Enjoying the Unexpected

  All the planning in the world can’t keep you from missing out on something you didn’t even know you wanted in the first place. Virtual Crunchyroll Expo is a 24-hour experience—and on top of the Theater District there’s the Anime Arts District, Central Shopping District, and Super Arcade to visit—so there’s bound to be something that flies under the radar over the weekend. With that in mind, we turned to our insiders for some advice on catching those hidden gems you might have otherwise missed. 

  Mary Franklin, Head of Events

  There’s so much programming it’s easy to miss hidden gems. One of my personal favorites is a panel from Okitsugu Kado, who practices and teaches the traditional, ancient Japanese art of Mukimono, carving vegetables into decorative characters, dishes, and décor for the dining table. You’ll find Oki-san’s panel on the Yuzu Stage Friday, and then in the V-CRX On Demand section of the show after that.

  Another exclusive V-CRX feature that I’m eager to spend more time with on the show weekend is the V-CRX Gallery Tour Featuring MAPPA. With artwork from series like ZOMBIE LAND SAGA and The God of High School, as well as audio commentary from creators, this will be worth a much closer study than I’ve been able to give it so far!

  Adam Sheehan, Director of Events

  As I mentioned with encouraging exploring around the V-CRX website, there is a lot to enjoy.  I know fans are missing all that free schwag they would get at the Crunchyroll booth and other booths at cons so I would say they should be sure to check out the Virtual Schwag area in the Super Arcade district on the site to help alleviate the need for free stuff!

  Stacy Burt, Senior Marketing Manager

  For any K-pop fans out there, you won't want to miss the panel "K-pop and Anime: When Two Worlds Collide” on Friday, September 4 at 6:00pm PT on the Crunchyroll Stage. I can't give too much away, but there will be a few familiar faces making special appearances. 

For fellow artist alley patreons, the Anime Arts District is a must. Artists from around the world have been setting up their virtual booths (many you can check out now) and will be unveiling show specials during V-CRX. Remember to give artists you shop some love on social! 

  Lauren Stevens, Events Manager

  There’s definitely a lot going on at V-CRX, so it is a good thing it is three days! I’d make sure to check out the Super Arcade between panels. Between the galleries, Quiet Rooms, and Yuzu’s Cat Café, there’s a lot more stuff than just the ‘standard show floor.’ I’ve also been eagerly waiting to try out the Onyx Equinox Scavenger Hunt. Get the V-CRX app ready once it’s live before the show, then find all those codes!

  Ricky Resurreccion, Crunchyroll Expo Events Director

  While the main action happens on the main V-CRX website, play around with some of the cool functionalities of our V-CRX app (coming soon!). Aside from the Onyx Equinox Scavenger Hunt, another awesome app feature is the Crunchy Cam. It's essentially a selfie feature where users choose V-CRX stickers to apply on their photo. I like to keep memorabilia from cons I attend and this is a neat little feature that also serves as a nice souvenir from your V-CRX weekend.

  Locking in the Fun

  Beyond these tips, the only major thing to keep in mind is that you need to register! Doing so is totally free, so sign up on the official Virtual Crunchyroll Expo 2020 website today and start planning your jam-packed September 4-6 weekend. 

  By: news+feed@crunchyroll.com

[xdawndragonx]

Reincarnation Chapter 2 - Memories.

And she read the comments with pride.

With a click, the pop-up menu opened, showing the two comments that Gabi had been afraid of seeing. Her tongue began to push upward, touching the roof of her mouth to create pressure. 

And blue eyes widened with pleasant surprise.

The comments that she was so afraid of seeing were actually from people that supported her as a creator. Two people.

“Woah, dude. That’s kinda low of you don’t you think? I mean, judging a person because they were in a certain fandom is a bit cruel. It doesn’t have anything to do with the stuff she’s creating right now. You don’t have to hate this person’s work because you disagree with their choice of fandom.” - RinKagamine

“I’d like to add to RinKagamine’s comment. If you don’t like the creator that has put effort into this piece of work, you should really just ignore it. If you persist in trying to spread this hate speech it not only has no point but no gain as well. HyperBlossomNr1 is a real person and you better start treating them like one. You probably wouldn’t like it if someone pointed out a fandom you were once in that is considered ‘cringy’. I know that the creator is a very kind person, and that’s probably why they haven’t deleted this comment yet.” - Captain Salty

Gabi had to hide a squeal that was almost squeaked out of her voice box. People liked her! There were people out there that would back her up. She blinked and rubbed her shiny oculars quickly before looking back at where to comments resided.

Nope, it wasn’t fake.

What’s more, is that it was him. “Captain Salty”. He helped her out again. Just thinking about that made a strange sensation coil around in her stomach and a flush of warmth peak slightly in her skin.

Gabi shook it off. It was distracting her.

“Huh- It turns out I was worried for nothing. Hehe...” The blue-eyed girl mumbled to herself, meekly smiling as she closed her eyes. She took a moment to just stay in that position, forgetting about the world around herself. It was nice, taking a break from thinking.

“Wait... Now that I think about it, didn’t I change my Channel name to “Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki? Hnnn... The idiot must still be using that name out of habit on Youtube...” She muttered, puffing up her right cheek as she did so.

When she opened her eyes again, Gabi’s gaze coincidently flew to the electronic clock that the computer presented on its bright screen. 

Her mood was shattered by what was displayed.

“OhcrapohcrapOHCRAP-” She hissed, her voice on the verge of the state of yelling you get when you’re freaked out. “That’s the time already?! Nonono, I’M GONNA FAIL AT THIS RATE.”

Warmed hands forcefully shut the computer that provided her with happiness and Gabi clambered over to her discarded notes and textbook.

At least she was a little bit happier than before.

Salty was quietly re-reading the messages that he and Gabi had sent to each other over Skype. The pixeled screen returned his reflection. It made him happier every time he read them, he didn’t know why though. Why did the comments just have a sort of magnetic pull to them? 

That was irrelevant right now. 

He gently shook his head and read them again, and that was when he began to notice a pattern about them. 

It seemed like Gabi was troubled by something, but he couldn’t put his finger on what.

It was the late-ish afternoon for Salty and that meant it was pretty late for Gabi herself. Nearing midnight or so.

Stretching out his body (stiff from being in one position for so long), Austin got up from leaning on his shabby, dorm-room bed and began to walk over to the door. Maybe today he might have a walk around outside? It was a crisp, autumn day today and the sun was just about peaking through trees outside, nearing it set on the horizon.

Might as well considering he hadn’t had a walk for a long time.

Room-temperatured hands grasped a winter’s overcoat of medium thickness and fastened the piece of clothing onto his chest before helping his heels into a pair of shoes that rested quietly near the door.

Creeeeek.

The door opened; a breath of a breeze whistled from the force of the action and briefly ruffled Austin’s tuffs of hair. He considered his hair to be strange, mainly because of its ability to seemingly transform from blond, to streaks of said tint, light brown and brown. It just depended on the sun, type of day and lighting. The blue-eyed boy paid not too much attention to it nevertheless. He began to walk as he thought.

From being lost in thought to inhaling sharp air, Salty suddenly spiked in his attention to what was happening around him.  

People? Not too many to his surprise, most likely because of the fact not many would go out just for the sake of going out at this time of day. The sun was a good natural warmer and allowed Austin to freely walk about without feeling like he was placed in a gigantic freezer.

What caught his cerulean eyes the most, however, were the beautiful tints and splashes of colour that had happened to the trees surrounding the paved path he walked on.

Red. Brown. Gold. Yellow. Orange.

He couldn’t help but notice they were the colours of fire. 

A village. Cheers, happy cheers.

“Encore! Encore! We’ll play out this occasion ‘til the end of today!”

“Sir... You sly fool~”

“Now now Lil’ missy, you’re not gon’ go cheeky today, are you? It’s our annual sacrificial day to the *”£$£%^$ of fire! We’ll feast on many delights today!”

“I know sir~,” A feminine giggle, “we’ll pass around the beer and merry our way with the boys!”

A resounding cheer of appreciative noises with a chorus of “Yes!”s, “We will!”s and “Aye!”s, all of high volume echoed in the small village. The light was frenzied and spread everywhere by torches fueled by tinder and fire. Bright smiles, the padded footing of scampering animals, children laughing. The smell of burning.

“More bread everyone?”

“Aye, sir!”

“More Salt?”

“คץ%£$%”

“Yes, yes. Thank you dear hu&^%$”

Cobolt eyes snapped open from panic and Salty’s breathing became ridged and hitched.

He looked around himself in confusion and he realised he was sitting down on an outdoor bench, close to the flaming trees that he personally appreciated. Austin tilted his head to point at the sky. 

Flowing teal was now tinted with amber. Occasionally, a faint cloud would hover in the sky. A sign that he’d better make his way back soon.

Slowly easing himself to get up, Salty began to think again. This “vision” that kept on repeating, kept on reoccurring, why did it happen?

Step, step.

Was it perhaps his ideas just running wild? He did know that they had only started recently. Maybe reminiscent pieces of past incompleted dreams? It would always start in the same place and end in, again, the same place. Always starting flashing images of a village and ending with a muffled, blurry female voice being thankful of something.

Step, step.

But why did he remember them so vividly if they were only silly fantasies? Maybe there was a chance they weren’t. It just didn’t seem like something he’d have the imagination to picture the images.

Step. Creek.

The door opened and Austin soon found himself back at the dorm. The door was welcoming, a flick of familiarity for him to help him remember he was where he was.

Climb. Climb.

He walked up the stairs to his designated floor. 

At least his mind was a little bit more active now.

An elegant girl strolled through an American high school's corridors, with spectacles that framed her face. She walked quietly and with no intention of talking as she passed. It was after school hours after all, and she was only still at the institution of learning, only because of club activities and revision catch up.

She sighed. How boring.

She slipped her hand into her inner pocket and pulled out her most treasured electronic item.

Her phone.

In doing so, she felt herself smile a little. Even in the midst of madness and frustration her little magic device could just calm her down like a spell. She flicked the screen on and plugged in her invigorating, precious earphones. 

Thank god that there was free wi-fi for the students in the school.

Once the earphones were properly secured, she tapped on the “YouTube” application via touchscreen.

As the vivid and bright white and red of the app began to appear, she searched for a bench to sit down on. To thoroughly enjoy the music that she knew was going to brace her ears.

With several tapping, swiping and scrolling noises the girl landed on a channel she admired and recently found.

Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki, formally known as HyperBlossomNr1.

She tapped on a video named “ Hold Release Rakshasa and Carcasses - Kaai Yuki” and closed her eyes and began to listen.

That’s right, she was a hidden Vocaloid fan. And she lived partly on the stuff.

It was funny looking back at some of Gabi′s old works before looking at the creator’s new works because of how much progress they made from when they were new. It inspired her. 

She admired the creator so much that she would most definitely defend them, even if it cost her dignity. 

Going over to her subscriptions page, the bespectacled girl reloaded the page with a dragged-out down motion with her finger and watched the circling circle go round and round.

School wi-fi was slow. Huh.

Then, a new video popped up in her feed, made by that creator she admired so much. One plainly named “Quick Announcement” and she internally squealed. Of course, she tapped on it eagerly.

As the video was loading, she took the time to read the description of the video and she felt her jaw slowly loosen and fall. Right there, it read, 

“ For those of you who can't be bothered to watch the video, here's the quick version: 

1) The video will take a while, so don't rush me. That makes me less motivated to work; 

2) I'll try to make polls every week or two weeks so you guys could help me decide which cover to do next; 

3) There'll be a live stream this Saturday where I'll be doing a live Q&A as well as tuning. Thanks for supporting me, everyone~!”

She squeaked in delight, not caring that the video was beginning to play after being loaded, and began to scroll down to the comments section below, beginning to type her enthusiasm for what was coming with quick hands. It was like she had forgotten that she was still at school.

With soft taps and one last long press, she sent her response and watched her channel name finally appear. 

“καgαmίηε rίη” 

Feeling satisfied with what had just transpired, “καgαmίηε rίη“ took a lean backward and looked upward to see the roof and upper wall of her school. A wall that just so happened to hang a clock. Such a convenient place...

As coloured, conscious eyes looked at the clock, she let out a very audible screech.

“NONONONOI’MLATE-”

And with that, the girl ran off, worriedly pacing and on the verge of running home.

“hey, you here?” - Captain Salty

“yeah, I’m here and currently screeching” - Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“screeching? why?” - Captain Salty

“I did somthing dumb” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“*something” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“pfft, y’know you can edit messages on skype, right?” - Captain Salty

“wHAT? HOW?” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“you using mobile or computer?” - Captain Salty

“computer. mobile probably sucks.” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“oh- so all you have to do is right-click the message and a pop-up menu should come up with an “edit” option with a pencil sign next to it.” - Captain Salty

“ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“If you click it, the words you typed should be displayed on the writing bar thingie, and all you have to do is overwrite your mistake and enter it again.” - Captain Salty

“OHHHHHHHH THANK YOU-” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“pfft, no problem sweetheart.”

“I am not a sweetheart.���

“yeah right.”

“shut up. I’m going back to screeching after this.” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“wait actually i never got to ask this but why are you screeching?” - Captain Salty

“I told you already, I did something stupid.”

“I wasn’t talking about thhhaaaatttt.”

“fine. I’ll tell you. I’m doing a livestream later on Saturday and i’m mentally screeching because how of dumb i was to think of doing hat and URRGGGH” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“hey, calm down, I’m sure the stream will be just fine. You're controlling it after all.”

“YEAHBUTWHATIFTHEYHATEMYVOICEORIFIMESSUPLIVEORIFIDON’TSTARTONTHERIGHTTIMEIPROMISEDEVERYONE?!” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“Gabi calm down. It will be fine, I promise. And if it isn’t i’ll eat a book” - Captain Salty

“I know you’ll enjoy it in the end.” - Captain Salty

“Hnn.... thanks...”

“d’awww, anything for you gabi.”

“sHUSH YOU PIECE OF FRREAKING SALT” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“fine sweetheart~″

“yoU FRICKEN, oh crap i think i left the stove on sheit” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“Aww, you have to leave so soon?” - Captain Salty

“yes.” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

“oh. see you later then-” - Captain Salty

“pft, see you later.”

“oh wait! I wanted to ask you something-”

“Oh cool, shoot ahead but quickly because I think I smell something burning.” -  Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

At this moment, Austin pondered on whether to tell Gabi about the extreme visions he had been experiencing. It might lighten the burden it was having on his mind. But in doing so... He might transfer his own weight to her, Gabi, and he definitely didn’t want that. It was one of the last things he wanted to happen to her. So, he begrudgingly wrote;

“Nevermind- you need to check on that stove asap seriously, i’ll talk to you later- yeah?” - Captain Salty

“oh- okay! see you later Salty” - Gabi-Chan-Akatsuki

And even though Salty knew that Gabi had probably ditched her phone by now and had probably gone and checked-out her scorching stove, he still felt obliged to write;

“See you later Princess-” 

Continued in Chapter 3.

(I’m evil I know ;w;)

@gabi4chan-akatsuki here you gooooooo~

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[cosmosogler]

i am having PROBLEMS!!!

this morning i did ok, but as the day went on i have been getting more and more restless and agitated. i seem to have endeared myself to some of the staff but i really, really don’t feel prepared for this test. i know only two of us have studied for it but... suzanne told me that about half of the students pass the test on the first try. i joked about getting “a zero or something embarrassing like that” to the staff member that came and visited with us studying in the office and he laughed, but it wasn’t really a joke... 

i left a little late but i did ride the bus to the department. i got there at 10 and made myself comfortable in the lounge for a little bit before suzanne and her little brother alex showed up. alex is super into recycling and waste management. i friended him on facebook and he types like a maniac though. he’s my age but he’s not a major so he just hung out for a little bit while suzanne filled out some notes for his doctor for him i guess.

snoopy has started headbutting me in the hair whenever i bend over to pick stuff up. maybe she can tell how stressed i am and wants to reassure me. i don’t know. i’m glad she feels more comfortable around me at least. she let me brush her chest a little bit today. she didn’t eat as much though. 

i also got my meds refilled. that wasn’t too hard except getting to the health center through the construction was hellish. i studied with suzanne and jennica and ioannis and soham and taylor for most of the day. i didn’t see keegan. i am listing all the physics grads i know here so i can try to start remembering everyone. 

it was exhausting. i liked the lunch i packed and ate most of it... but i guess the difficulty of the material on top of the long hours on top of the stress draining my energy just wiped me out and i felt braindead by 4:30 so i went home. the bus took a half hour to get to the station which was obnoxious, and the bus schedule app doesn’t say which stops go in which direction or which routes go to which stops. just which routes arrive at any particular stop. so i had to memorize the four day routes that go past my apartment complex and the three night routes. that was tiring too.

when i got home i unpacked and got settled in and then made myself a big mac and cheese dinner with some fruit and green machine juice. i also hard boiled some eggs for breakfast- never done that before! it didn’t turn out the best, but i think i might know what to do instead next time. so i will try again tomorrow. i didn’t get sick from the velveeta goop cheese so i’m hoping that means i can handle milk products in general in the future. 

but i was so scatterbrained after dinner that i didn’t get any more studying done. i just couldn’t. i barely remember what i did all evening. i want to sleep for a million years and never take the test. 

it’s hard to take a 12-hour test BEFORE classes start and expect to get anything more than 10%. i was hoping i could work on my test anxiety a little bit beforehand i guess. or get some kind of pep talk? but all the encouragement and “oh i didn’t either”s i’ve gotten from the people around me haven’t helped at all. 

i found out today that i also got a scholarship for 3,000 dollars a year for three years. now that i know the school invested in me (which was apparently kind of risky if i go by what i saw of the graduate adviser yesterday) and then put in extra resources ON TOP of that i feel like i’m going to let everyone down before the semester even begins. 

if i don’t do well on this test... that will be a really bad sign for the future, and it will also mean that i have a ton of work to do if i want to catch up and then, worse, keep up. 

man. i haven’t even considered that i might do *well* on the test. it wasn’t worth the resources to consider. the chances are basically “not going to happen” anyway. i can’t do well on tests. i don’t do well on tests. short tests, long tests, marathon tests. quizzes. the only thing i contribute to group projects is a lot of questions that i have to rely on my teammate to answer, and then i can’t answer any of their questions.

i want so badly to do well. i keep telling myself that. but thinking about it, it seems so likely that i’m going to worry everyone right out of the gate that it feels like i don’t even want to do well any more. and that’s really bothersome. i don’t like that. i want to want to succeed. 

i want to talk to someone about how i’m feeling, but my old friends aren’t really available and my new friends i haven’t put enough time into to really trust them at all yet. and i think if i sat them down and told them how seriously, non-jokingly horrible i feel about the test coming up in 11 hours then i’ll really intimidate them. 

when i interact with these new guys i feel like i’m watching myself say words at them. i can understand the words they say back fine, and i am trying to get to know them. but every time i open my big dumb loud mouth and talk about my goddang feelings i feel like i’m hogging the spotlight. like maybe if i cram in just one more snappy comment they’ll like me more. but the whole time i’m also sitting there in the back of my mind thinking, is this really happening? is it me saying those words? why am i saying them? what will these other people get out of it? 

i wish i had more time, but i know that if i had more time i would spend it all doing nothing anyway. 

i don’t understand why the negative self talk comes back in full force so quickly every time i go a few days without seeing a therapist. am i just not working hard enough? 

maybe i’ve forgotten how to practice. practice anything. i sit and look at stuff and i think and think about it but i don’t do any of the things i think about doing. and i’m an active learner. i know this. i know that if i go out and do stuff a lot i’ll get better at the stuff i do. but i’m so tired, and i just want to die, and if i do nothing for long enough maybe no one will miss me when i do die.

i guess that’s the root of it, huh. being invested in my life is hard, and unpleasant, and i know the world will go on without me. there’s no actual requirement, and if there was, i probably still wouldn’t do it even then. all those connections got chopped off over the years. all the tethers to real life vs the life in my head where i am still enthusiastic about stuff but i never participate in any of it outside of my imagination. at this point i may as well just literally be a brain in a jar with a nonstop receipt style printout of nonsense words. 

i keep recognizing the problem in new ways but i still haven’t done anything about it. or maybe i do things about it and then stop and forget about it until i rediscover the problem, and hope that using this NEW metaphor will finally get me moving!!! if all the pieces fall into place, then the effort just happens, right? if i can move the information around enough then new things will happen, right? i don’t have to do anything for things to happen, right???

no willpower at all. i used to be so stubborn. now i’m just stubbornly nothing.

it’s... hard, to exert my will in life. it’s hard because i know that saying “no” doesn’t actually mean anything. people won’t stop if THEY don’t want to, because what they want is more important to them than what i want and there’s no way i can actually stop them from doing what i told them not to do. crying, making a fuss, fighting back, calling for help, none of it actually does anything. people won’t help if they don’t want to help. you just sit there in the dark screaming forever and no one comes because there is no one TO come.

i hate that that also applies to me.

i screamed a lot in my nightmares as a kid but i’m a silent sleeper i guess. people don’t wake me up from nightmares. i don’t really call for help even in my dreams any more.

how do you not kill yourself after living like that? after learning that about the world? your own parents don’t stop hurting you because they don’t feel like stopping? your best “friend” won’t stop hurting you because he doesn’t feel like it? your friends won’t help you or even believe you even when it happens right in front of them because they don’t feel like it?

i guess the only reason i haven’t killed myself at this point is because that would require actually doing something. there’s a certain unreality to the idea, like “i can’t actually do that, it wouldn’t happen that way” when i think about it, the same feeling i get when i think about anything. graduating. HAVING LITERALLY GRADUATED ALREADY, WITH A DEGREE. working a real job. meeting people and caring about them. making meals, which i do every day despite being surprised at finding myself in the kitchen every time. 

sleeping.

hmm. this might be more urgent than i thought it was. maybe i should call the counseling center during my lunch break tomorrow (between the two sections of test) and see if i can get a quick appointment. not sure when i’d go in this week because of the test, but i only have three hours of class a day this semester. next week could be fine.

making phone calls is weird too but i guess at this point i’m completely uninvested in what’s happening so it’s easier than it used to be. 

ok. pep talk. even if i do get a 0 on the test, i am already enrolled. it would be weird to kick me out, even if i will get a lot of worried looks. if i put in the work, and use my resources, and put myself in a position to succeed, all i gotta do is work hard to succeed. so all i gotta do here, besides *actually practice my field,* is learn how to be invested again. i’ve been invested before. maybe it’s like learning to walk again. 

in my experience, doing more things than i have energy for, but not so many things that i get burnt out, actually gives me more energy. kind of like working out. if i push myself (but not break myself), and keep myself healthy, then maybe i can learn how to throw myself at a problem in a way that will actually solve it.

is that an ok pep talk? i wanted to try to end on a positive note. finding bad thoughts and replacing them with more realistic ideas is how you train your brain to think in a less self-destructive way. and it’s easier to sleep when i’m pumped up than it is when i want to cry.