#who never showed any care for another human being in his entire online career

[geekyglamour413]

oh i just saw the clips of george at the charity event. fuckin hell

[bouncingkadachi]

Blessed Rain

Summary: A Hunter’s weapon of choice says a lot about them. OR: Kyle upgrades his weaponry and gets caught red-handed in the act. Luckily (?) for him, only Tsukino seems to know exactly why he's having an emotional crisis over this.

Word count: 3,260

Note(s): set post-game

Also available on AO3!

Kyle’s had his new bow for a good couple of weeks before the feel of the limbs and the weight of the draw became comfortable enough for him to consider upgrading it. If he’s going to be injured, he reasons, he’d rather it be purely by way of monster and not because he pulls a muscle wrestling with a bow that hasn’t been properly broken in. His wallet despairs as he forks over the zenny, but this’ll hopefully let him take on some of the bigger hunts like the ones that Reverto goes on. It’ll all be worth the investment up front once he has his completely finished bow and restocked his coatings and finally drops the last of his coin on a couple new talismans.

He refuses to think about the implications of his reasoning with a literal coin, rolling it around and around his fingers as he pushes through the market throngs towards the smithy’s. Perhaps he ought to have a change of scenery—the fog-shrouded summits of Terga were said to be particularly beautiful at this time of year, and the heat in Lamure was becoming just shy of unbearable.

The final product that the blacksmith puts into his hands when he finally makes it to collect is nothing short of gorgeous. Blessed Rain is sleek where his old Rex bow was bulky, far lighter and certainly not as clunky. The upgrades on the riser gives the entire weapon a pleasant solidness in his hand, yet the delicately reinforced plating on the limbs doesn’t retract at all from its flexibility. The decorative grip protector gleams. Just looking at it makes Kyle excited to shoot.

“Bring her back if you’re finding that you need anything adjusted,” the smith tells him after Kyle’s diligently inspected every inch of the bow. “Kept the poundage the same for you, but added another inch to the draw length like you asked.”

“Thanks,” Kyle says. Eventually, he’d like to work up to the point where he can up the poundage again. Even just another five pounds would be good. He can do most of the hunts in his skill range alone now, but extra firepower would make him just that much more efficient, or that much of a better support for team hunts. 

The smith laughs when Kyle sheepishly admits this. “Well, I always like to help a Hunter improve, and you know where to find me,” he says cheerily, clapping Kyle enthusiastically on the shoulder. “Come by again anytime if you need a tune up or want to test out something new.” 

And with that, he waves Kyle away so that another Hunter can step up, holding a tired-looking sword and shield and looking equally exhausted. “Aye, rookie Hunter?” Kyle hears as he wanders off to find a more relaxed corner of the market in which to admire his new bow some more. “If you’ve got the materials I can repair and upgrade that for you.” The conversation peters out and melts into the general din of the marketplace as Kyle slips into the crowd, taking care to step out of the way of a Felyne carrying an absolutely massive basket groaning with produce. He watches the precarious load totter away, trying and failing to locate Tsukino in the brief respite the parted crowd affords him. They’d split earlier that morning and he hasn’t seen her since.

He still hasn’t managed to find even a whisker of Tsukino’s whereabouts by the time he settles into a decently quiet nook next to a stall selling all manner of spices. Pity, because the dappled light spilling through the colorful drapes of the marketplace catches so beautifully on the milky-white sheen of the bow, and he’d been looking forward to showing it to her. As a Hunter, Kyle will always care more about weapon practicality than aesthetics, but as a normal human being he certainly won’t turn down the opportunity to have both an aesthetically pleasing and perfectly functional weapon. He’s still grinning a little when he goes to strap the bow to his back, and it’s in the process of looking up that his gaze catches onto wide eyes staring plainly at him from across the street. 

He freezes, arm suspended awkwardly halfway to sheathing. His beautiful bow glints damningly in the bright Lamure sunlight as his unexpected friend wades through the throngs of people towards him, gesturing for him to stay put with a wave of her hand that really can’t be mistaken for anything other than a greeting.

“Hey,” he says cautiously and lamely when she finally reaches him. Belatedly, he remembers to lower his arm. He is momentarily thankful that she doesn’t try to reach up for his face in the Mahanan greeting, although his goodwill evaporates when she leans in to inspect his bow, body thrumming with unexplainable anticipation.

“Oh, that’s pretty,” she says finally. Kyle can’t help himself from preening just a little, shifting his grip so that she can get a better look. After all, what was the point of spending all that money and materials if there was no one to excitedly show the end product off to? Besides, it’s been a while since they last saw each other. Last he heard, she had been traveling, keen to finally see the world on her own terms and at her own pace.

“It’s fresh off an upgrade,” he answers smugly. “Easier to handle than the Rex.”

“Slightly less intimidating though,” she chimes in, and Kyle bristles, not liking where this conversation is going. And true to form, she goes in for the kill: “Mizutsune? I recognize the plating.”

Kyle can feel the flush crawling up to his ears. Logically, he knows that there’s nothing for him to be embarrassed about. It’s a mark of good smithing that one can tell at a glance which monster a weapon was inspired by, and a Mizutsune was both powerful and extremely iconic. This bow in particular had good stats and the ability to fire rapidly, which admittedly took him some time to get used to after focusing mostly on piercing shots. The paralysis coating that works so well on this bow has also already saved his skin on more than one occasion. There is little more a career Hunter can ask for out of his weapon. It’s not like he’d been heading out to Pomore Garden at any given opportunity and holding onto an increasing multitude of Mizutsune materials just because he wanted some physical reminder of what was probably the most pivotal moment of his life, something that never failed to put a very complicated and jumbled mess of emotions deep within his chest whenever he thought back to it.

He’s starting to feel very, very hot under his collar. The sun is terrible. He resolves that his next big hunt really needs to be somewhere outside of Lamure.

His friend, however, just looks more and more baffled as he launches into an unprompted defense of his newest purchase. Every time she opens her mouth, Kyle talks a little faster. Eventually, she doesn’t even bother trying to interject, which is arguably worse, because instead she just looks progressively more and more thoughtful. Kyle wished desperately for Tsukino to peel away from whatever hidey hole she was tucked in. Then, his train of thought screeches into a rude and abrupt halt.

“What,” he croaks. “What are you doing.”

One of her brows quirks up. “I sure hope your eyes are still working because that’d be a detriment to your job,” she says plainly. “What does it look like I’m doing? I promise it’s not a trick question.”

What she’s doing is holding Kyle’s hand—the one not clutching his new bow—the one that had apparently been waving about with increasing agitation as he jabbered on and on. What Kyle doesn’t understand is why. It’s not like he just did some impressive shot to give them the edge in a battle or anything else that was cool and hand-holding worthy. He’d just been yammering about bow mechanics, and maybe embarrassingly dipping into his talisman hopes and dreams. He stares a little helplessly at his trapped hand. Her kinship stone winks up at him.

“Look,” she says patiently, when it becomes very clear that Kyle is going to need a moment before he can get his brain back online. “There’s nothing wrong with a bow made from Mizutsune parts and I am the last person who will ever turn down pretty things. What I was going to say was that this is an interesting departure from your whole—” She pauses, as though looking for a specific word. “Well, your whole image as a very grown-up and serious and intimidating Hunter or whatever it was you were trying to convey with that scowl you used to like so much. And you weren’t letting me get a single word in.”

“You’re getting plenty of words in now,” Kyle scowls, just to be contrary. “And I’ve grown since then.”

“Someone’s in a mood today.” She smiles, crinkle-eyed, up at him. Kyle very seriously debates wrenching his hand out of her hold like he did the last time this happened and then pointedly doesn’t act on the impulse.

“Why’re you in Lulucion?” he asks instead with a truly remarkable level of self-restraint. “Thought you’d never want to come back again after what happened.”

She shrugs, the greatsword on her back heaving with the movement. “Guess I’ve grown too,” she says loftily, though she sobers quickly. “I was actually visiting my grandfather. He used to go back to Mahana around this time of year… he can’t do it anymore of course but I’ve got Ratha now, so I figured I could do it instead. And then I figured I’d stop by Rutoh before going home, to see Ena and Alwin and wheedle a few more stories out of them.”

She lets go of Kyle’s hand. He tries not to miss it. “Even Ratha can’t make the trip in one go, and Lulucion was closest, so we’re stopping to rest. I dropped by the Scrivener’s Lodge earlier because I was hoping Reverto could give me a few weapon pointers as I’ve saved up just about enough for an upgrade, but they told me that he was out on an urgent mission and wouldn’t be back for a while.”

“Oh,” Kyle says, a little stung that she hadn’t come specifically to see him first, out of all the Hunters in the city. He’s slightly mollified when she grins at him, though.

“And then I met Tsukino by the cannons. She said I could find you here, so here I am.”

“I don’t know anything about greatswords,” Kyle blurts out, and immediately wants to kick himself. She blinks at him, and then bursts into laughter.

“I was just going to ask the smith,” she wheezes when she’s got herself somewhat back under control. “Can’t I see a friend just to say hi to him anymore?” Kyle stares very intently down at some of the finer detailing on his bow.

“Where is my Palico anyway?” he finally settles on, falling into a tried and true grumble. “I haven’t seen her all day.”

She waves her hand vaguely in the air. “Navirou said something about getting donuts. I wasn’t really listening.”

But there was a donut stand right here in the marketplace, Kyle wanted to cry out. He should have seen Tsukino by now if they’d really been going to buy snacks! And how was it possible that he had missed Navirou in his entirety, between the Felyne’s penchant for wearing ridiculous little outfits and his inability to shut up?

“Why? You have a hunt you need to run off to?” 

“Yes,” Kyle says hotly. It’s a lie. He’d accepted a subquest that wouldn’t depart until later that evening for the sole purpose of testing out his new weapon in a relatively stress-free environment. Before that, he’d just planned on hitting up the shooting range in the training arena to break in the new string. His schedule was very, very free. Tsukino was perfectly aware of that.

His eyes widened. Tsukino had been with him on every excursion into the Gardens. She went where he did (usually), and it’s not like Kyle would ever begrudge her a visit home. But she’d been with him every step of every single Mizutsune job he’d ever taken—had watched him craft traps when he needed to capture and had kept watch for opportunists hoping to sneak up as he’d carved. She’d been the one who’d recommended the spinner for all the excess purplefur he was ending up with. At first, he’d simply thought that she’d wanted the thread to mend some of her own items, or to send back home to her brethren, but instead she’d tucked each skein of vibrant, silk-soft thread into the bottom of his pouch with gentle paws, cryptically talking about how strong a material it was, and how nice it looked when woven. Kyle has never touched a loom in his life, but now he’s looking at someone who he definitely knows has.

His stomach drops. Hadn’t Tsukino looked particularly smug ever since he’d lingered on the blueprints for Blessed Rain after getting a look at its stats and required materials?

“She got me,” he groans. His friend just looks at him bemusedly, though perhaps with a touch of wariness at his ferocious frown. Hastily, he tacks on: “It’s nothing. I, uh—I just remembered that I needed to tell Tsukino something. Important. Later, when I find her again.”

“Alright,” she says, though she doesn’t quite look like she believes him. “A quest’s a quest, though, so I won’t keep you here. The bow really is pretty though. I know I just said it doesn’t match your image and all but I really don’t think you can go wrong with something you like. You’ve got the skills for it, anyway.”

“Thanks,” he croaks, feeling a little overwhelmed. He manages two whole steps out of the nook before he pauses, worrying at his lower lip. “Actually,” he says sharply, spinning around on his heel and nearly causing his friend to startle right into a spice display. “How long are you staying for?”

“However long it’ll take to upgrade my sword, I guess,” she says after she collects herself, the words lilting into a question. “Three days or so, I guess?” She skirts nervously away from the glaring vendor, careful not to overbalance on her greatsword.

“Cool,” Kyle says with a nod, steeling himself. “Great, even. Look, how about this. Your last visit to Lulucion was terrible—” an understatement, “—so when I get back from my hunt I’ll show you some of the better sights Lulucion has to offer. There’s a hole in the wall that I think you’ll like. Dad used to take me after hunts—they grill really nice queen shrimp. And the parapets—you can climb them, and they’ve got all these little carvings in the stone that you can search for like a scavenger hunt.” He’s keenly aware that he’s rambling again, but she looks interested, so he barrels on. “I’ll come pick you up tomorrow just as soon as I can get a nap in. We can stay in the city or take Ratha out to the Barrens, down by the water. Just make a day of it.” He’s pretty certain that he looks at her with something akin to hope as she considers. It feels like a lifetime before she finally comes to a decision. 

“I want to take Ratha out in the evening,” she says finally. “I don’t want him to be cooped up too long here ever again.”

“Yeah,” Kyle breathes out, the word rushing out of him in a flood of relief. “Yeah, I can work around that.” She beams at him.

“I’ll look forward to it,” she says, sincere and looking more than a little surprised despite herself at the prospect of looking forward to doing anything in Lulucion. “I’m staying at the inn closest to the stables. Pretty sure I’m the only Rider there currently so they’ll know who I am.” Kyle nods, and lets himself get his hand squeezed again, though not without her hands first hovering in an instinctual bid for his cheeks before she remembers herself.

“Good luck on your hunt. If I see Tsukino I’ll let her know you’re looking for her.”

“She’ll show up in due time,” he mutters darkly. “I’ll let you know if Reverto gets back early or if he’s just been loafing around this entire time. For your next upgrade or whatever.” She laughs, bright, and then slips off into the crowd to wrestle her way into the smithy’s queue. Kyle is left staring in her wake before his gaze is drawn back down to his bow.

“This is all your fault,” he tells it. Predictably, it doesn’t answer. Also predictably, Tsukino takes that exact moment to drop down from seemingly nowhere. 

“I didn’t know we had another job lined up,” the Felyne says delicately, carefully brushing crumbs off of her coat. Kyle groans, sheathing his weapon.

“Don’t tease me,” he huffs. “I’m going to the shooting range. Are you coming?”

“Hmm,” says Tsukino. “I suppose I can spare the time.”

“Of course you can spare the time!” Kyle hisses, indignant. “You just spent the day eating donuts and eavesdropping!” He pointedly doesn’t look towards the smithy, where his friend was patiently browsing the display while another Hunter was getting their hammer looked at.

“One must always be prepared with the latest intel,” Tsukino says mildly. “I’m glad the upgrade went well.” 

“It’s got good stats,” Kyle protests weakly in what is quickly becoming a tired argument. “The rapid shots have been going very well. And I had a surplus of Mizutsune parts.”

 “Yes,” his hunting partner agrees readily enough. “Have you thought of what you’re going to do with the thread?”

“This conversation is finished,” Kyle says abruptly, making a very determined push towards the market’s exit. “Either come or don’t, so long as we meet at the gate for tonight’s hunt.”

Tsukino looks at him with exasperated fondness, which is frankly a little insulting, but readily falls into step next to him. Kyle wonders how many rounds he’s going to have to shoot in order to clear his head again and rid it of thoughts of Hazepetal Garden or Mizutsune or high-grade thread that he’ll never use himself. He’ll examine them again someday—because he’s not a coward—but that day is most certainly not today.

He does his rounds in the training arena and marvels at the way the string slides off his fingers with a satisfying twang, even though it’ll still be a good few days before it’s fully broken in to his liking. Tsukino’s saved him a donut, the cakey sweet sticky with honey and practically melting in his mouth. He’s got some free time even after stocking up for the evening hunt, so he takes a few minutes to browse the quest board, taking careful note of the jobs that were situated near the Harzgai Rocky Hill, or the ones from further afield in Alcala that’ll take him closer to Rutoh. And when he leaves the city, he pointedly doesn’t look up at the familiar shape circling in the dusky sky, even as he knows that they’ll surely see the last rays of the setting sun winking off of the plates of his bow like a beacon.

[haikyuuhimbosandhypebeasts]

Heliotrope

Here’s my submission for the Forget Me Not collab for Anisylum! Please note the TW as it is VERY heavy. This piece is entirely SFW though!

Ship: Tsukishima Kei x GN! Reader Genre: Angst, but some fluff in some places. Word Count: 2.2k  Trigger/Content Warnings: near death experience, hospitalization, COVID-19, vomit mention, amnesia after hospitalization, a suicide attempt is briefly mentioned, swearing because this is by me Sexy Sexy Masterlist: here!

Sand clung to skin and the harsher rays of light that usually cascaded and burnt you had died away into a fading tangerine glow. You perched comfortably on the sand, taking note of the undulating waves- they were like you in the sense that while you could crash down hard on the opposition, you would shy away in a fragile manner when faced with gentle treatment. Perhaps it was that you felt you weren’t worth such luxuries that you found it hard to make friends through your first few years of high school. Perhaps it was trying to push people away because you were afraid yet alarmingly aware of your mortality. Perhaps it was something else entirely, something you weren’t quite ready to come to terms with. What you did know was that you weren’t alone in the violent struggle through high school to make friends while you had your walls up. Next to you was someone you never thought you’d share your favorite place with; in any terms you found this boy appalling with his behavior. So appalling, you saw yourself in the way he closed himself off and cut those close with tongue lashings. You knew this only through another friend who took issue with him as you went to another school in an entire other prefecture. Words mauled their way out from your throat, breaking the silence between you and Tsukishima Kei. “I won’t ask you why you tried to do what you did today. But I will ask if there’s anyone you can talk to in your life.” You didn’t understand yourself. Why would you say that…? You don’t remember anything like this at all… His response was equally incoherent and odd. “Okay, but I’ll kill you if you go back on it.” When you opened your mouth to reply to him, the ground around you suddenly reared up like a defensive serpent. A pillar of beach sand forced its way from the ground into your throat, suffocating and trapping your lungs in permanent fullness. You could only gag and cry, unable to even see Tsukishima past the torrent of sand breaking into your body with the intent to kill you slowly…

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You woke up once more in that dull grey-blue and white room with the only sounds you could properly process being the beep of a heart monitor somewhere behind you. You had managed to halfway curl into somewhat resembling the fetal position, but something kept making you cough and gag as your throat was caught. You move your hand to whatever is catching and about to make you vomit- a tube. This tube, you followed, was in your nose good and solid, and you felt it deep enough in your sinuses you didn’t dare try to pull it out. Moving your hands felt foreign like you had forgotten how to process being human and natural motions like that. You testingly ran your right hand down the tube, taking care to not tug and cause discomfort. Your other hand came to rest on your face. It was slick from sweat, likely due to whatever the fuck you just had a dream about. At the corner of your lips was another tube and when you followed where it led it was taped to the side of your face. You lick your lips and manage to almost fall into a haze until you see movement for the first time in what feels like forever. To be fair, it is one of the most jarring appearances of a person you’ve seen in your whole life to what you can recall. A person in a full-body hazmat suit enters your room through a door you hadn’t even processed was there, then greets you as casually as they can through a plague-resistant suit. “Hey there.” You squint at them. Yeah, you have no fucking idea who this cosplayer in a hospital is, and while you should probably be polite, you feel like you got ran over not once but twice.  You try to speak to them, but you can’t. You don’t have the air for it, it’s like you have no control over your breathing. Clarity washes over you. You’re hospitalized. These are tubes because you were asleep and weren’t breathing or eating right. The realization must show on your face because your nurse speaks up again. “Don’t worry about me too much, we’re just gonna check your vitals and if you feel up to it, we can see how you do without the ventilators.” You try to manage out a “whoopee”, which unimpressively comes out as some form of odd wheeze, and your nurse begins by grabbing the blood pressure cuff covered in protective plastic while they wear a sympathetic expression.

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Once you were off the ventilator, the nurse informed you about what had happened. Apparently, an ambulance was called when you were unresponsive and nearly blue in the face, sitting in front of your refrigerator with the door open. You were diagnosed with a severe case of COVID-19, something you had feared would wipe you out entirely and turn you past tense since its spread in your country. This fear wasn’t entirely irrational, either- you were immunocompromised and have been since you were a child. You grew up with being careful around others and hearing of a highly contagious new strain was something that filled you with so much paranoia you seriously considered quitting your current career and instead adopting a hermit lifestyle while completing college at home. Of course, such a thought was squashed by the slowly impending thought of rent, bills, due dates for assignments, and your bitch of a manager who lets people get close to you without a mask on. It’s not a big deal, (y/n), she once said to you. You wanted to shoehorn some tubes down her throat just to survive, see how that felt. It didn’t help that human resources wouldn’t listen to your complaint. They brushed it off since you were just a lowly sandwich maker at a chain sub place. If you had enough scraped together for lawyers right about now, they’d be totally fucked, you thought to yourself. Even more jarring is that it seemed you lost a handful of memories while in the hospital. You could remember basic outlines of people in your head- your very tall and incredibly testy roommate, your younger sister who wore glasses and was much smaller than you, and… a foggy memory of a man with messy black bedhead who had an arm wrapped around your shoulder. It hurt to think too hard. The doctor soon came by to give you test results, to check your vitals again, and to look over your records. He was a bit terse, but you can’t make the best judgments of people when they’re in plastic suits. “We’ll need to get you cleaned up by tomorrow and you should be able to head home,” he’d said, looking over your chart. You didn’t necessarily feel too ecstatic about your trip to your apartment. You remembered your roommate and how finicky he was, and you dreaded for him to belittle you over your condition. You dreaded it enough to even feel a knot of anxiety form in your stomach, wrenched in between your ribs without the intent of ever coming out. “We’ve already contacted uh…” The doctor squints at the screen, “Tsukishima… to come to pick you up tomorrow at noon. We’ll have care instructions printed out. You still have to quarantine for about a week more since your immune system isn’t at its most prime currently.” You agreed, it probably wasn’t a good recovery idea to make a couple of sammies for the public while you were recovering from a virus that had you intubated. He seemed grateful that you were lucid and cooperative, at least.

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You, predictably, didn’t sleep well after being in a medically induced haze for several days. Even more predictably, you found yourself awake from anxieties of the future. Tomorrow was only a few hours away, and then you’d be home. Home… what did that look like for you? The fog in your head was thick initially. You do remember coming home from classes at a different time than Tsukishima, how when you entered he’d often be reading over homework. You remembered how sometimes he would be in the shower and the scent of cheap green apple soap filled the living room connected to it. You remembered… You remembered holding his thin frame in your arms on a bridge, pulling him back from oncoming traffic. You remember how you both collapsed and how the cold autumn air stung your lungs. You remember wide golden eyes staring back at you, as tears slowly filled them, then his normally impartial voice breaking as he hiccuped a sob, “Why? Why did you have to be in Sendai right now?” You felt tears stinging your eyes and a lump form in your throat. You found yourself in distress of your new emotions. Maybe… maybe you can sleep this horrible feeling off. Maybe this fog in your head where you need to know how deep your relationship ran will lift once you get genuine sleep.

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Finally, a knock on the door encouraged you to rouse from your sleeping state. And eloquently, you spoke your true feelings in your sleep-deprived state,  “No.” You hear the doorknob turn and the door open. There’s a lack of a greeting from your nurse nor a quick apology from your doctor for interrupting your sleep. Actually, if you’re gonna use logic, what nurse or doctor is gonna wake up their peacefully sleeping patient in recovery? Thought of it being your doctor or nurse practically evaporates once the intruder has a seat on your bed. They still haven’t spoken, so now you’re remembering what tricks of self-defense you learned online to give this person a proper ass-kicking for getting way too close. You crack your hazy eyes open to get a look at where they’re sitting and you stop dead in your thoughts as wary gold eyes peer down at you. Your eyes widen out of reflex and butterflies bloom from your stomach at seeing what you now remember is your roommate. “I knew you were awake,” He said, a wry smile on his face. His expression was betrayed by his concerned gaze, though, “Wow, you look like shit.” You don’t know entirely why past his comment feeling not as an insult, but almost as a compliment, but you smile a little, “I feel like it too.” His expression doesn’t change. He runs a large calloused hand through the tresses of your hair, though, as if to soothe you. The doctor walked in and apologized for interrupting the moment between the two of you, unsure if it was something serious. You told him it was nothing because that’s what it was to you.

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The car ride wasn’t filled with the snarky banter you had been expecting. Instead, there was plentiful comfortable silence as Tsukishima drove. You didn’t know whether to be grateful or not for the silence- you still felt quite feeble and needed way more bed rest before you could get ready to do anything for anyone. Despite the wholesome silence, you felt those round gold eyes focus on you occasionally. And even though it was comfortable, you felt a melancholy twinge in the atmosphere as he inspected you. “I know you’ll give me shit for this… but you look like you’ve lost weight. I uh…” He gripped the steering wheel harder. You glanced over at him. A shade of baby pink dusted itself across his cheekbones and nose as he focused on the road. “I’m worried about you.” Fuck, there go those butterflies again. Something in you pushed to help- to comfort- but the logical side of your brain brought you to a halt. You’d weighed it in your head a couple of times. You two act closer than just roommates, and it’s not entirely clear how or why you got up to this point… but you had a solid hunch you might be dating this guy. Maybe? You closed your eyes and rested your head on the car door as you thought. You remember how sand clung to your body and you could hear the roaring of the sea. How you watched Tsukishima focus on the waves to regulate his breathing. You vaguely remember your words breaking away from your throat and catching the salty sea air. “Why don’t we stay together?” His lanky body stiffened, then he looked at you with disbelief. “... you wouldn’t want that. I’m fucking annoying and mean.” Your eyes creased with familiarity at the line. “Yeah? So am I. We can butt heads until we balance each other out.” It looked like he wanted to cry, but his pride wouldn’t let him cry in front of you anymore today. “I won’t ask you why you tried to do what you did today. But I will ask if there’s anyone you can talk to in your life,” you reached a careful hand over to rub his back, “Kei, if there isn’t, let me be that person.” You felt how his breath shuddered. To save his pride, you looked to the ocean and watched its hypnotic movements. After a few deep, shaky inhales and exhales, he replied. “I don’t understand why you’re being nice to me. Why you didn’t let me die. I will probably come back to this point in my life several times and you’re trying to say you’ll put up with it?” There was some bite to his tone, he was trying so hard to put up walls when he had no will to do so at the moment. How long had he pushed others away from being close? If he was anything like you… it was since grade school. “Let me be your support for when you’re in pain,” You tried once more, “I’m stubborn as shit so I know I won’t give up on you.” “You’re not getting it, you fucking idiot. I’m always in pain, that’s just been life,” he snapped bitterly, glaring at you now.  “Then I guess I’ll be by your side forever.” You’d said it without thinking that day. It was like the ocean grew quieter with your words as if even Poseidon became interested in your proposition. You felt heat rise to your face at the implications of what you said. He stared at you with raised eyebrows and the slightest hint of a champagne pink hue on his face. He averted his eyes almost in a panic and watched the ocean again, suddenly very aware of his own expression. You carefully peered over at him again to see he’d only grown redder, now mirroring you. “You… don’t mean that,” He said as if it were a statement. “I do. You’re a good person inside, but you’re defensive and hurt. I’ve seen that from you in the past and I’ve learned more about you today. I want to be there for you as long as you’ll have me. Will you let me?”  He picked at the sand as if thinking it over for a moment. There was a brief pause as waves rolled over each other in front of both of you, the sound of their impact being the only thing to grace your ears. Finally, his cynical tone returned as he regained some form of his prior composure. “Okay, but I’ll kill you if you go back on it.”

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

“Hey. (Y/n), we’re home,” Tsukishima gently shook your shoulder to rouse you from your sleep. You opened your eyes slowly and groaned out a swear. Tsukishima felt a hesitant smile creep up his face as he opted to just try and maneuver you into your shared home himself. He remembered how waking up was hard for you. Once he opened the passenger door you nearly fell out onto the pavement, only saved by your seatbelt and the giant himself. Your face fell awkwardly into his hip, and you grumbled at the interruption to your sleep. “You sleep like the fucking dead, christ,” he mused out loud and sat you up so it was safe to unbuckle your seatbelt. He urged you to get up more- it wasn’t that you were heavy, he just really wasn’t in the place to lift you at the moment and didn’t even know how to go about it. Regardless, he held you up by a shoulder and crouched to make it easier for you both to walk to the apartment. In some part of your sleep, you began to speak, “Kei.” He kept his gaze trained forward at the front door and struggled to grab his keys from his pocket, “Yes?” “Are we married?” Kei dropped his keys, then shot you a look of concern, “... No…?” He had to hold himself back from saying not yet, unsure of what you were getting to. He reached down to grab his keys and he focused back on the door. “Why are you asking?” He unlocked the door and threw it open, getting you both inside finally. He set you on your couch and sat on the floor in front of you. You looked at him suspiciously, now roused from your sleep. The only thing on your mind was that dream- it had to be a memory! You refused to understand it as anything but that. You prodded, “On the beach, I told you I’d be by your side forever.” He seemed to weigh your thoughts heavily in his mind, “... did you forget about us?” You didn’t expect what felt like cold water to hit your back so hard and so suddenly at his suggestion. He didn’t seem hurt at the thought, instead, he found himself occupied with your reaction. His hand reached out to rub the side of your face as you looked at him with wide, guilty eyes. “Don’t worry about it. Your sister told me this kind of thing might happen…” His calloused thumb traced over your lip, and he offered a smile the best he could, “I’ll try to explain it.” Tsukishima explained that what you remembered happened about four years ago and you had been living together ever since. He motioned to photos on the walls of the two of you and people who you could just hardly remember. When you rested your index finger on an individual who was much scrawnier than most of the people there, sitting on the bench with you and watching you speak with admiration, Tsukki put his hand over yours. “That’s your sister. She took most of these pictures, but she usually sits next to you when you have a space available.” You nodded and closed your eyes. You began to remember summers you spent with her in childhood and her yelling at you to do your homework when you bothered her as you got older. You smiled a bit. Once your eyes opened again, your finger traveled to possibly the tallest person in the room. He was big, but you remembered something warm and comfortable about that man… “That’s Kuroo. You both went to the same high school and you were in his friend group.” You both went on like that for a while until you’d cleared everyone in that picture. Once you did, you sat down to think over the new cluster of names you’d picked up. “... when you promised you’d be here with me forever, did you remember what I promised to you?” Kei asked as he sat next to you. “No… I just remember what happened on the beach up until you threatened to kill me if I took back my promise.” “Oh, right. I was going through that phase,” He seemed displeased with the comment. You found it almost funny but refrained from laughing for his sake. He continued, in a quieter tone, “I promised that if something happened to you, that I would always be here for you, too. That I’d get you back into shape.” His larger hand gently entwined with yours, “... so if you remember that promise and you’ll have me, I’d love to marry you once you get your memories back. … If you want to. I-” You cut him off with a hug to his side, trembling a bit as your emotions got the better of you. You smiled up at him. “I can’t promise I’ll be better fast, and I still feel like several trucks ran through me at once… but I’m happy,” you managed out. You didn’t know what your face looked like right about now and you didn’t have the nerve to look up into Kei’s glasses to check your reflection. He wrapped his arms around you in return, pressing the side of his face against your head. “Please, don’t give me an answer yet. You’re not in the right mental state. I’ll wait for you until you’re ready.” You ran your hands up and down his back. You weren’t exactly afraid of remembering things, but you were quite anxious for what tomorrow might bring for both of you. Despite that, you felt safe recovering in his arms, and you were sure you’d feel that way for a long time.

Have a link to the sexy sexy masterlist down here as well. Unless you’re done reading, then have a good day. But if you’re not there’s some fire stuff in that bad boy.

[xhxhxhx]

Saw something in the further reading section of Michael Kulikowski’s Imperial Tragedy (Profile, 2019) today:

There are countless books on the fall of the western Roman empire, and more appear annually, with variable scholarly trappings but nearly all quite conventional. Still, ripping yarns and neo-Victorian analyses can be found in any bookshop. So, for those so inclined, can thinly disguised nativist tracts on how immigration (and ‘immigrant violence’) brought down the empire. To name names would be invidious.

I thought this was a dig at Peter Heather, Professor of Medieval History at King’s College London and author of The Fall of the Roman Empire (Oxford, 2005) and Empires and Barbarians (Oxford, 2009), so I looked it up and discovered that not only was I right, but Kulikowski has serious beef with the guy:

Peter Heather has been fiercely criticized by members of the so-called Toronto School of History. Michael Kulikowski, who belongs to this group, has accused Heather of neo-romanticism and of wishing "to revive a biological approach to ethnicity". Kulikowski claims that Heather "manifests a clear methodological affinity" to the 19th-century writer of the Goths Henry Bradley.

But Kulikowki’s beef is nothing next to the righteous fury of Guy Halsall, Professor of History at the University of York:

Guy Halsall has identified Peter Heather as the leader of a "counter-revisionist offensive against more subtle ways of thinking" about the Migration Period. Halsall accuses this group, which is strongly associated with University of Oxford, of "bizarre reasoning" and of purveying a "deeply irresponsible history". Halsall writes that Heather and the Oxford historians have been responsible for "an academic counter-revolution" of wide importance, and accuses them of deliberately contributing to the rise of "far-right extremists".

Halsall got so mad at Heather, first at the 2011 Leeds International Medieval Conference and then online, at his blog, that he threatened to leave academia entirely:

Well, it's more or less a year since I started doing this blogging lark 'seriously' (the inverted commas are obviously necessary).  And, as they say, what a roller-coaster of a year it's been.  I've shut down the blog twice, brought it back twice, come to the verge of formal complaints being sent to my university twice (once justifiably, once most certainly not), lost at least one friend, lost 99% of the respect I had for someone I had hitherto held in high esteem, quite possibly lost the chance of a job I wanted because of this blog, taken some pretty visceral abuse, and so on.  All good fun!

On the other hand I have learnt some lessons.  One is that even bastards have feelings.  Another is that if you have twenty-odd followers and maybe 100 hits a day, that (allowing for hits from people looking for something else, like Elizabeth Kostova's novel The Historian or ever-popular balding guitarist The Edge) does not mean that  only twenty or thirty people in the whole wide world read your blog.   Thus you need to be a bit more careful about what you say and how you say it.  I've also learnt that eminent historians don't always read what you write very carefully, and just how deeply-ingrained the elitist culture of the British historical profession is, as well as just how few principles are actually held by the overwhelming majority of the practitioners of said profession.  And this in response to something that I actually thought long and hard about how I wrote.

And as a result of all this I have realised that no good is going to come of me continuing to smack my head against the glass ceiling that those of us not from 'a particular socio-educational background' (you know the one) eventually run up against.  I have instead come to the decision, essentially, to give up on it and 'seek my fortune' elsewhere than in the confines of the academic career-path, as it is now constructed in the UK at any rate.*  I'm actually quite excited about this as I think it offers a lot of possibilities, creatively and ethically.  It's been a liberating decision.  Those of you who know that I set most store by the writings of those co-opted into the canon of the existentialists (almost none of whom ever called themselves by that name) will appreciate exactly why I am proud of this decision.

To some extent it makes up for the bad faith I showed in backing down and removing my post on why it matters to get angry about the lazy and irresponsible (indeed, yes, just downright knuckle-headed) way in which some historians in and/or produced by our most prestigious Thames Valley-based university write about politically and socially sensitive topics like migrations.

Halsall ultimately sanitized the 2011 IMC paper that started the war with Heather --  the neutered version is still up on his blog -- but the original was apparently quite something:

Perhaps unsurprisingly for those who’ve heard him speak or read him on the Internet, this was the one that really started the war. [Edit: and, indeed, some changes have been made to these paragraphs by request of one of those involved.] The consequences, if not of this actual speech, at least of its subsequent display on the Internet, have been various, unpleasant and generally regrettable, and I don’t want any of them myself.

Thankfully, the purged parts of the original were reproduced by some noble soul on the Civilization Fanatics forums before they were lost to the ages:

Thus we can have Ward-Perkins’ sneering parody of late antiquity studies and Peter Heather’s distortions of counter-arguments. In many people’s minds the choices before us are evidently, either, that nothing happened, or, that there was a huge catastrophe caused entirely by invading barbarians. Obviously this is not the case. Plenty of people other than me -- most famously, Walter Pohl -- have written about serious, dramatic change happening in the fifth century without blaming it on the barbarians and without denying that there were migrations in the fifth century. Yet this -- if I dare call it such -- third way seems nevertheless to be very much a minority position.

But I am not convinced that a simple lack of exposure to sensible alternatives really explains the continuing, fanatical devotion to the idea of the barbarian migrations, especially outside the academy.

I have recently said that:

“When a British historian places an argument that the Roman Empire fell because of the immigration of large numbers of barbarians next to arguments that the end of Rome was the end of civilisation and that we need to take care to preserve our own civilisation, when another British historian writes sentences saying “the connection between immigrant violence and the collapse of the western Empire could not be more direct” [a direct quote from Peter Heather’s Empires and Barbarians (Oxford, 2009)], and especially when the arguments of both involve considerable distortions of the evidence to fit their theories, one cannot help but wonder whether these authors are wicked, irresponsible or merely stupid.”

Obviously, these are not mutually exclusive alternatives.

Are these writers setting themselves up as ideologues of the xenophobic Right or have they simply not realised the uses to which such careless thinking and phrasing can be put? You can draw your own conclusions, although it is worth noting that Ward-Perkins has been happy enough to write on this subject for the neo-liberal magazine Standpoint, which regularly publishes pieces attacking multiculturalism. There comes a point when one has to admit that actually the most charitable explanation for all this really is that these writers are simply a bit dim.

Outside academic circles, it is certainly the case that the adhesion to the idea of barbarian invasion has a heavily right-wing political dimension. Apart from the barbarians’ role as metaphor, already discussed, it is worth, very briefly, thinking about the other reasons why people are so ready to pin the blame on the barbarians. Slavoj Zizek’s Lacanian analysis of antisemitism provides some valuable ways forward. Essentially, the barbarian, like the figure of the Jew, acts as a screen between the subject and a confrontation with the Real, which Zizek sees, slightly differently from Lacan, as the pre-symbolised; things that haven’t been or can’t or won’t be encompassed in a world view. Zizek showed that arguments that “the Jews aren’t like that” are almost never effective against anti-Semites because what real Jews (or actual immigrants, one might say) are like is not the point. Similarly, arguments about the empirical reality of the fifth-century cut little weight with those wedded to the idea of Barbarian Invasion. Just as the anti-Semite takes factual evidence as more proof of the existence of the international Zionist conspiracy, the right-wing devotee of the Barbarian Invasions sees factual counter-arguments as manifestations of the liberal, left-wing academy peddling its dangerous multicultural political correctness. I have read a great deal of this on internet discussion lists -- including a review of my own book, and one of James O’Donnell’s! Michael Kulikowski received a similarly-phrased review from a right-wing academic ancient historian.

The barbarian is the classic “subject presumed to”. The barbarian can change the world; he can bring down empires; he can create kingdoms. The barbarian dominates history. “He” is not like “us”, enmeshed in our laws, our little lives and petty responsibilities. The barbarians -- and you only need to read Peter Heather to see this -- are peoples with “coherent aims” (a quote), which they set out single-mindedly to achieve. No people in the whole of recorded human history have ever had single coherent sets of aims. Well -- none other than the barbarians anyway.

Halsall has never resiled from his belief that Heather was essentially a fascist, nor backed away from his commitment to resign from his post in righteous indignation -- maybe not in 2011, or 2019, but certainly by 2023 at the very latest:

My anger about all this is justly infamous but has been badly misrepresented.  I do think that some things are worth getting angry about, and the misuse of the Barbarian Migrations and the End of the Roman Empire to fuel xenophobia and racism, and the way some modern authors pander to this, is one such.  However, to look at the origins of this ire and animus, I invite you to compare my engagement with Peter Heather’s work in Barbarian Migrations, and its tone, with Heather’s engagement – if you can call it that – with my work, and its tone, in Empires and Barbarians.  I never expect to be agreed with; I do expect basic academic courtesy to be reciprocated.  If people see fit to treat me intellectually as a second-class citizen, the gloves will come off.  That may stem from my own biography as (unlike so many) a first-generation academic not educated at the 'right' schools and universities, but there we are.  I will be leaving the profession within the next four years (well done, guys) so I have nothing to lose by not apologising for that.

Kulikowski might have gotten in a good dig, but Halsall will always be a true master of the art of Being Mad Online.

[isrustandstardust]

1. What’s been the best day of your life so far and why?

Hard to decide, I had so many great days.

2. Describe your first kiss, who was it with, what was it like, where was it etc?

It was with my best friend at the time, in my parents garden. It was early morning after a night spent talking, her lips were really soft.

3. What’s your biggest regret? I know we all say we don’t regret things but obviously it’s how we learn, from our mistakes. So what’s something from your past you wished you could have changed?

I could have handled a break up better. I ended up hurting someone I cared for.

4. When was the last time you laughed so hard that tears fell from your face and what was it at?

With my husband, yesterday night. We were actually making fun of someone we know.

5. What is the craziest thing that you have ever done?

Moving in with a guy I barely knew in a city 400km away from all my family and friends.

6. What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to you?

Nothing comes to mind rn.

7. Do you have any scars and if so, how did you get them?

I have my arms covered in scars. All of them are from self harming.

8. Where would you like to be in 10 years?

In another house, maybe abroad.

9. What are your views on drugs and alcohol?

I’m for the free of choice. I’ve tried drugs only a few times and not drinking atm.

10. What are your views on religion?

Brainwashing shit.

11. Have you ever thought about ending your own life? If so, why?

Yes, more than once. I tried, twice, when I was 21 and going through a lot. The second time I almost succeeded and woke up in the hospital after being unconscious and intubated for a week.

12. Write 5 facts people might not know about you.

- I am bipolar, borderline and have a schizoafective disorder.

- I dream about Satan and the end of the world on daily basis.

- When I was little I used look for little animals to bury and exhume after a while to see how decomposition works.

- I’ve been into witchcraft and rituals since I was 16.

- I write backwards like Leonardo Da Vinci.

13. What’s your zodiac sign and do you think it fits your personality?

I’m a Scorpio and it fits perfectly.

14. Pinpoint a moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

When my storyboard teacher remembered me from my online test because it was a perfect score.

15. Discuss your first love.

We were young and trying too hard.

16. Put your ipod on shuffle and write 5 songs that pop up. Explain why each song is on there.

- Don’t mess with me - Brody Dalle. It’s from the soundtrack of a game I love.

- Distance - 4bidden. It relaxes me.

- As the rain comes down - 0K(ill)’s. Because I’m working on their new videoclip.

- 8-MQ 16.10.2001 - 0K(ill)’s. Because it’s inspired by an Italian female serial killer. The title is composed by her initials and date of death.

- Rock and Roll - Gary Glitter. It makes me want to misbehave.

17. Name somewhere you’d like to move or visit.

Iceland.

18. What’s your earliest memory?

My dad taking me to Collodi.

19. What are your views on mainstream music?

It’s heartless and all about making money.

20. What are your highs and lows of this past year?

High: starting officially my character designer career. Low: my mother in law and old dog passing away in less than a month.

21. What are your strongest beliefs?

I believe in being direct and honest. Do no harm but take no shit.

22. Who are you closest to in your family?

My dad maybe.

23. How important do you think education is?

It’s fundamental.

24. What’s one of your favorite shows?

My 600lbs life XD

25. How have you changed in the past 2 years?

I’m more secure of myself and my capabilities.

26. Name 5 people who are famous who you find attractive.

- Tom Hiddleston.

- Mads Mikkelsen.

- Hugh Dancy.

- Michael Fassbender.

- Matthew Good.

27. Name your favorite movie and what it’s about.

3 Iron, in the mood for love. Because they’re sad but huntingly beautiful.

Stoker because psycho killers turn me on.

The fountain because is eternal and heartbreaking.

28. Who is someone who fascinates you and why?

I am fascinated by fictional characters. Like Hannibal Lecter. Yeah, again psycho killers.

29. What kind of person attracts you?

Intelligent people.

30. What’s a problem that you have recently had or are currently having?

My body is giving up on me xD

31. Name something that you miss.

The lake.

32. Share 5 goals you want completed in the next 30 days.

- Doing at least 15 designs.

- Double up my workout time.

- Completing my very first song.

- Take that online course I’ve been postponing for lack of time.

- Get a hold of a camera and go shooting.

33. What’s been the highlight of your month and the lowest point?

Highlight: doing a shit ton of sales on my shop. Lowest point: I don’t recall one, it’s been a pretty good month so far.

34. What’s something that you’ve done in the past that you would never do again?

Being the side chick.

35. What is you’re biggest insecurity & why?

Not being good enough. It can be traced back to my mom being a terrible mother.

36. What were the last 3 songs you listened to and what did they mean to you?

- Natacha Atlas - GAFSA. Because it’s in the soundtrack of 3Iron.

- Morcheeba - Over and over again. I find I’d perfectly fitting.

- Portishead - Wandering star. Because it remembers me of someone from my past.

37. Do you have a toy that’s really special to you and if so what is it, how did you get it etc?

I had a plush of a rhino called Mr. Turkelton [Scrubs reference] that was so dear to me. It’s with my ex, we bought it together and he kept it. Still miss him tho.

38. Have you lost anyone close to you to death?

My mother in law. She was more of a mom to me than my own mother.

39. What is your purpose in life?

Being happy and create beautiful things.

40. When was the last time you cried and what was it over?

I do not remember, but I guess it was during my mil’s funeral.

41. If you got to spend an entire day with your favourite celebrity what would you guys do?

I would love to spend a day with the Mass Effect’s cast playing the game!

42. If you could only listen to one artist for the rest of your life, who would you choose and why?

Tool. Because I’m a masochist.

43. What are 3 traits that you like about yourself and what are three that you dislike about yourself? Personality wise.

Likes:

- Being open minded.

- Being stubborn.

- Being so will powered.

Dislikes:

- Being insecure.

- Being so unable to handle rage that I keep extremely calm until the moment I explode and get cruel and violent.

- Being unable to let go of things that enrage me.

44. Can you cook? If so what are your favorite dishes to make?

I’m pretty good at it. I love to make fresh pasta.

45. What was the last decision you regretted making?

Drinking that glass of milk, now my stomach hurts.

46. Who’s opinion of yourself do you value the most?

Mine. And then my husband’s. I don’t care of no one else’s opinion.

47. What’s the nastiest thing you’ve ever said to another human being and what drove you to say it?

I demolished a guy who was in love with me telling him exactly what I knew it would break him. I did it because he tried to act like I was his property and then got aggressive when I didn’t act accordingly.

48. What’s the nastiest thing anyone has ever said to YOU? Or something that’s hurt you above anything else and why?

Nasty things don’t get to me, I don’t listen to what people say, especially when it comes from someone I don’t care for or I despise. The things that hurt me the most was saying goodbye to someone I was not ready to let go.

49. You can ask your favourite celebrity 3 questions and she’s taken a magical truth pill so she will 100% answer honestly, what do you ask?

Maybe some technical stuff, Idk. I have no ‘favorite celebrity ‘ so...

50. What mark would you want to leave on this world after you are gone?

I don’t care about leaving a mark in a dying world tbh.

51. What makes you most angry?

Liars, incoherent people, delusional people, copycats.

52. Who do you think is a really underrated artist and what do you love about them?

There are a lot of really underrated artists out there trying their very best and being bashed by online algorithms. Support the artists you like!

53. What are the main qualities you look for when thinking about a significant other?

Intelligence, honesty and having moral values.

54. What’s the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you?

The first that comes to mind is waiting at home for me to return with a hot bath ready and a bed full of rose petals. It’s a cliche,Iknow. But I was young and in love.

55. What is one of your favorite memories?

I have so many, but thinking about the past makes me feel bittersweet.

56. What do you do when you really want to impress someone?

I just act normal, if they’re impressed, good. If not, it’s ok.

57. What are your 3 favourite animals and why?

- Snakes: They’re so fascinating.

- Crows: they’re extremely intelligent.

- Sharks: natural born predators.

58. What’s the nicest present you’ve ever received?

A trip to Paris and a trip to Disneyland.

59. People always go around saying ‘oh I’m their biggest fan’, but what does being a truly big fan of someone mean to you?

Idk, I just like people. I don’t obsess over them.

I obsess over things I like, but not over some individual I don’t know.

60. Have you ever wanted to change anything about your life? If so, what?

I want more money XD

61. What is something you feel like you are really good at?

Drawing. Hopefully making music, but it’s way to early to say.

62. What is something you feel like you can get better at?

Drawing, there’s always room for improving.

63. What is something you feel like you are really bad at?

Hiding when I despise someone. And bowling.

64. If you were given $3,000,000 to put towards 3 charities/foundations ($1 mil each obvs), what would you choose and why?

Wildlife protection, animal shelters, planet’s preservation.

65. What’s one thing someone has done for you that was really small but made a huge impact?

My roommates came back from Xmas holidays one day earlier to have dinner with me because I was alone. And another brought me Xmas dinner a few days before.

66. What do you do when you can’t sleep?

I work :/

67. What’s something that’s on your bucket list?

Make a nice home studio.

68. If you could change 3 things within your government, what would they be and why?

I would actually change the opponent party. They’re dreadful.

69. What’s your favourite holiday and why?

Xmas, because it feels like happiness.

70. What’s the kindest thing a stranger has ever done for you? Even if it’s TINY like holding a door open for you, something that you rememer even though they were a complete stranger.

A stranger helped me when my nose was bleeding like crazy and I was alone in a mall. He also bought me an orange juice.

71. Who’s your favorite cartoon character?

Motoko Kusanagi.

72. What’s the first song that comes to your mind while reading this and why?

Reptile - NIN. Don’t know why.

73. Put the 7 deadly sins in order of the one you commit the most to the least.

Wrath - Lust - Pride - Sloth - Greed - Gluttony - Envy.

74. What would you like to be the first dance song at your wedding?

I’m already married and we danced over Christian Woman by Type 0 Negative XD

75. Have you ever been told you look like a famous person, if so, who?

Someone told me I look like Butterfly from Death Proof and like Amy Lee from Evancescence.

I really don’t see it.

76. What’s one thing you can not live without?

Art. And music.

77. What is the most selfless thing you have ever done for someone?

Going away.

78. Do you hate someone.

No, I dislike a lot of people, I think the world would be better off if some of them would die, it I do not hate them.

79. What are 3 things that have happened in your life that you’ve never forgotten? Big or small, just things you know you won’t ever forget and still seem crystal clear now.

- Almost dying.

- Getting married.

- Signing for my very first house.

80. What comes first to you out of friendships and relationships, and why?

They’re equally important.

81. What’s your favourite children’s tv show/movie?

Muppets: a Christmas Carol.

82. What song makes you cry the most?

Together we will live forever - Clint Mansell.

83. What’s the funniest film you’ve ever seen?

Operation Petticoat.

84. What’s something crazy that you’ve always wanted to do?

Trying human flesh.

85. Has anything ever happened to you that you just can’t forgive?

A lot. Just, a lot.

86. What’s your biggest fear?

Being abandoned.

87. What is your favorite food?

Red meat, pistachio ice cream.

88. Least favorite food? Why?

Celery.

89. Have you ever felt ashamed about something? If so what was it & why?

Not that I recall of.

90. Do you keep a journal? If so what mostly goes in it? Random thoughts, feelings, stories?

I always keep a journal, I write in it pretty much everything, dreams, feelings, ideas, thoughts.

91. When was the last time you said something nice to someone & what made you do it?

This morning to my husband, because he deserves it.

92. How do you feel when someone says something mean/disrespectful towards your fave celeb?

Couldn’t care less? Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, even if it’s a shitty one.

93. What’s the saddest story/one that’s touched you the most that you’ve ever heard on the news?

Milena Quaglini’s.

94. If you were told you were going to have 3 daughters, what would you want to name them?

Violante, Lavinia and Artemisia.

95. Do you have a middle name and if so, what is it?

I have two. Valeria and Maria.

96. How did your name get chosen? What’s the story behind it?

My dad found it in a sci-fi book back when he was a teenager. It was the name of the first baby girl born on the moon.

97. What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for each of your faves e.g. waiting in line for hours, getting up early to see them on tv etc?

I watched a streaming reunion in the middle of the night on N7 day.

98. Are you a virgin?

No.

99. What are the stories behind your tattoos/piercings and if you don’t have any, would you like any?

I have wings because I’ve always been obsessed with winged figures and angels.

I have a lot of movies/books quotes because they all means something to me.

I have cherry petals because of Hagakure.

The snowflake is the reminder of a very important person.

The moth is for my self destructive tendencies.

The witch is a homage to me.

The strawberry is a silly Adventure Time reference.

The snake is a biblical reference to both Lilith and Satan.

The Santa Muerte and the black goat are both linked to my beliefs.

100. Do you want to say something to the world?

Stop being stupid, stop making stupid people famous, open a book.

[prettywordsyouleft]

To Love You (Destined Sequel)

Summary: Jinyoung never wanted to meet his soulmate. He was determined to avoid the pull of your connection with him, but what he wasn’t ready for was just how much you would affect his life.

Characters: Park Jinyoung x reader (with cameos from Jaebum and Jackson)

Genre: soulmate au / angst / romance

Warnings: a lot of angsty inner dialogue, cursing, hard family life

A/N: This is the sequel to Destined and if you haven’t read it, then I highly recommend it as some of the original content is omitted from here for Jinyoung’s internal dialogue instead. A lot of you who read Destined wanted to know why Jinyoung was the way he was, and naturally Jinyoung is complex in his feelings. I hope you can appreciate this fiction! (Yes, I am nervous about this sequel not meeting the expectations of Destined readers).

This ended up being a mini-series. The links are just below to the other stories.

Series Index: Destined // To Love You // Forever [M]

Word count: 9728

He never wanted a soulmate.

Which, given everyone had one waiting out there somewhere in the world, was a bit peculiar. But Park Jinyoung hoped to never meet his. He had seen first-hand the joy that came with loving someone so much that there was no one else in this world who could make you feel more alive. He watched as that love became their destruction too. There was nothing he or his parents could do to stop his sister, who was full of promise for a successful life, turn to lying, stealing and cheating for the man she was destined for. Instead of following the road to greatness, she was dragged into the shadows, into a world of filth, greed and destruction. All because her soul couldn’t give up the man she loved. Jinyoung despised how someone could forget everything they stood for all because of a puzzle piece inside them fitting perfectly with another. Even if that person was dangerously crooked.

He decided from the early age when his family was torn apart and filled with anguish that he wouldn’t succumb to some predetermined fate. He would have full control over his own future and live how he wanted to. He didn’t care if his soulmate was nothing like his sister’s; he had no interest in allowing someone else dictate how he lived. He had survived so far without one and he knew he would be able to continue to do so without needing anyone at his side.

By the time he was in high school, Jinyoung had calculated the best steps forward. He had chosen a career in medicine, knowing it was one of the most taxing and time-consuming professions to undertake. He had always dreamed of teaching a class full of children and seeing them grasp onto the early wonders of life until the darkness that overturned his family shattered that image. Jinyoung knew teaching would be dangerous, it would be too easy to live a life where he could go to work and teach the next generation before returning home each evening to the sweet embrace of marriage, children and a home. He needed something that wasn’t consistent and more demanding. And so becoming a doctor became his sole focus.

He hadn’t been the best at science but he pushed himself away from the literary arts and into the calculated and factual world of medicine. He crammed until exhaustion would barely carry him into another day, and until his head hurt from encompassing knowledge about the human body. Soon, he was invested in learning all about how humans worked and was fascinated by the wonder coming from within. It hadn’t been easy, but he graduated from high school with a scholarship for medical school. And there he endured countless hours more of sleep deprivation whilst steadying a continued thirst for further knowledge. Jinyoung soon was top of his class and he admitted he liked being there. It meant everyone looked up to him and was never able to get too close. He would help them if he had to but only ever at arm’s length. He knew scientifically how humans interacted with others, yet he soon fell out of touch with them emotionally.

Jinyoung couldn’t risk falling for the charms of anyone in case a soulmate came along and tried to destroy everything he had worked hard for.

He had only hoped to become a doctor but now that he was one, he wanted to be the best in his field. It didn’t take him long to become a favourite of his department, adored by new and senior staff alike. He was pleasant and efficient, and his knowledge outweighed even some of the residents that had been working at the hospital longer than he had.

There was still a part of him, perhaps because he was curious by nature, that wanted to understand the complexity of being someone’s soulmate. Whenever he had spare time in between shifts or on days off, he would study further into the subject. Jinyoung figured, the more knowledge he had on soulmates, the better prepared he’d be for if and when his own tried to make an appearance. He soaked up anything from official textbooks to case-studies and even watched videos online of soulmates meeting for the first time to get a better understanding. He knew everything in theory, from how it would feel physically to one’s body when they first crossed paths, to the sensations they would feel when apart for too long. What fascinated him further was the psychological change for each individual, and how someone they never knew existed soon became all they existed for. No matter how many accounts he read, he couldn’t fathom allowing someone else in this world to change how he felt. He refused to believe there was no way to control yourself and avoid your soulmate. He searched far and wide for documented proof of someone doing just that, and he never found anything.

Surely, he couldn’t be the only person on Earth who wanted nothing to do with his soulmate. He was certain others would want to remain individual as he did. And every time he got close, finding tales of someone proclaiming they would remain single and avoid the predetermined factor of another soul matching them, he would dig deeper and find them happily married with three kids. It frustrated Jinyoung entirely.

Jinyoung was determined that no soulmate would ever change how he was.

And then he met you.

“Doctor Park, will you be leading the interns’ examinations today?”

He glanced at the nurse and smiled politely. Another shunted her, chastising the way she was now grinning up at him, hopeful. “Of course, he will be! He hasn’t become the star of our department for no reason.”

“Will you need our assistance then?”

“I will,” he told her, smiling again. She bit at her lip in gaining his approval and set herself up at his side immediately. It used to bother him when they did this but over the past six months after finishing his residency and becoming an attending doctor of the department, Jinyoung had grown accustomed to the staff wanting to be a part of his rounds. He initially believed it was because he was competent and gave clear instructions in stressful situations. He was calm within surgeries and offered insight to struggling interns where suitable. But Jinyoung wasn’t blind either. He knew the lack of a ring on his finger played greatly into the attention he garnered from some staff. He found it easier to politely accept their attention at work and reject any offers that went further than being professional. He had gained the fitting nickname of Doctor Ice Prince because he was never prepared to let anyone in too far. Even when he found himself at his loneliest points in life, he would never turn to others within the hospital for more than comradeship.

“Well, here come the newest interns, fresh off the campus and right into your team, Doctor Park,” Misun, a senior nurse of the department mentioned from her desk nearby and he grinned. There were six new faces in total and he eyed them all as they approached him. He would need to encourage the two who were all but visibly shaking with nerves and educate the three who were exuding too much confidence. He smiled at the young man in amongst them all, neither scared nor confident and wondered if he would find a competent doctor within the intern to include in his surgical team.

Over the next hour, Jinyoung showed the students around the department and explained their role within his team from that day forth. He then took them on their first rounds of the ward they were in charge of, and was now explaining their next patient to examine and about her injuries.

“We will need to check her over for any new signs of improvements and order another-” He stopped then, blinking once as his mind clouded over. He then focused on his condition, wondering why his heart was now racing within his chest. He had never felt nervous on days like these before and it confused him for a moment. He shook it off a little and glanced at the tablet he held within his hand as if it would prompt him with the information he needed to continue. He drew a blank. “Sorry, where was I?”

“You were talking about Patient Oh, Doctor,” the nurse, who was still glued to his side, mentioned patiently and Jinyoung nodded immediately.

“Of course, Patient Oh was admitted after falling from a cliff face recently and was handed over to our team today now that she is out of intensive care. She has suffered some internal bleeding to her brain and will require an MRI scan to see how she’s doing.”

No one responded to him and he looked back at them, perplexed. Their own expressions showed a similar emotion and he tried to understand why there was a miscommunication. His brows furrowed together. “Is that understood?”

One of the interns raised her hand tentatively. “Don’t you mean a CT scan, Doctor?”

“Yes, that is what I said, wasn’t it?” He blinked several more times when he felt a sweat break out upon his skin. He was rarely sick and he inwardly cursed himself for falling prey to illness in the midst of something so important.

And then he stopped breathing altogether, hearing footsteps coming towards him.

Jinyoung suddenly knew what this all meant. And even after all the years of preparation, he couldn’t help but feel anxious with everything he was experiencing. He whipped around and attempted to walk in the opposite direction, his team following him in confusion for only a few steps. He glanced around himself and chided his immediate response to flee. He had deep down waited for this opportunity to face adversity and now that his soulmate was fast approaching, he knew he had to deal with it. The sooner he saw you, the quicker he could dismiss your place in his world and get on with his work.

He chuckled. “I think I must have eaten the wrong thing for breakfast this morning and lost my thought process there for a moment.”

Thankfully everyone chuckled in good humour at his admission and he sucked in a deep breath to steady himself. He knew you were going to round the corner any moment now and he wanted to look an image of composed and unaffected.

When Jinyoung saw you though, he was completely overwhelmed. He tried to keep his eyes off yours, allowing his gaze to only travel over your lower half as you stopped suddenly across the hallway. He didn’t want to look up although everything inside him convinced him otherwise, and in a final attempt to avoid looking at you, he reached for the patient’s chart the nurse held and tried to scan it intently.

You soon moved closer and he had to look at you, just once. It was strange to stare at you and find you captivating when had you not been his soulmate, he wouldn’t have looked at you more than once. It wasn’t that you weren’t beautiful, your sweet appearance drew him in instantly, but he had seen many people just like you before and it never fazed him. Right now, he couldn’t think of anything other than how much he wanted to talk to you. The urge annoyed him greatly and he took a deep breath, turning back to his team and pointed at the closest intern.

“What scan do we need to get done on Patient Oh?”

“A CT scan, Doctor.”

“Excellent, that will be what you are in charge of organising today,” he instructed and the man nodded once. It made Jinyoung feel slightly back in control and he started giving further instructions to the team, attempting to watch you out of the corner of his eye at the same time.

You seemed to be in awe by him and he felt irrationally proud of the reaction for a second. And then he realised what he was doing and squared off his shoulders, angling his body away from you in hopes you would depart so he could remove the clouded haze within his mind and return back to his work. It seemed you took the hint, dejectedly giving him a final look as you marched on by.

Jinyoung took a deep breath as he listened to your retreating steps, his heart lurching after you before being controlled again and he was able to focus back on the task at hand.

Jinyoung smiled to himself. He had won the first battle against the magnetic spell you held over him.

Jinyoung wasn’t naïve to believe the first encounter with you would be his last. He had read countless accounts of soulmates being filled with an incessant need to approach the other and he wasn’t immune to this. All night long after his shift, he had struggled to get you off his brain. With nothing to occupy his thoughts and sleep not invading him as he hoped it would, you were all he saw when he closed his eyes and the stream of questions he now had over who you were kept him awake for most of the night. He was used to exhaustion due to his job but when he arrived at the hospital the next day, he felt unnecessarily tired. It was a different kind of exhaustion and he wasn’t used to the feeling of being worn down by so many unanswered questions. He cursed being someone who sought answers for everything within his life.

Jinyoung had been reviewing patient files much later into the day in his office when he felt the hairs stick up on the back of his neck and the racing of his heart. He stopped, waiting to confirm the feeling with something more obvious but he knew you had to be back in the hospital. He pulled out a card he had prepared earlier in case he met with you again today and rushed out of his office, listening to your steps and following them until you came into sight. It made him rock back on his heels at seeing you again, and since you were much closer this time he immediately felt awkward.

He had no issues in talking with people from all walks of life yet with you he felt juvenile, like a teenager who had his first crush. Jinyoung closed his eyes to settle the notion; after all, you were technically his first chance at liking anyone.

“Hello,” he managed, trying not to get caught up in your gaze. Your eyes were already his favourite part to you and he purposely looked above you, attempting to treat this as a professional conversation. If he could instruct a team full of interns and nurses, he could easily talk with you, right?

“Uh, hello.”

From his investigations, he knew becoming familiar on a first name basis with your soulmate would evoke further desire from proclaiming their name into existence. He didn’t want that for either of you and instead addressed the real need he had in finding you. He wanted to take you out for a meal to tell you why he didn’t believe in soulmates and simmer down any hopes you had in this being the relationship’s beginning. A small part of him had thought now at the age of twenty-nine that he would have avoided you for good. He had hoped you hadn’t existed at all. It would have been far easier than it was standing across from you now and feeling many physical needs to get much closer than he already was to you.

He was so wrapped up in battling with these urges that when his name fell from your lips he froze entirely. His name echoed over in his mind with the way you had said it, and he felt all his airways suddenly cease to work properly. He looked at you like a deer in headlights and you yourself narrowed your focus on his reaction. It annoyed him, had you no idea what kind of weight you had just thrown on top of him? He felt crushed by the repetition of your sweet voice within his head and it took all of Jinyoung’s strength to break free from it.

His name wasn’t uncommon and he had heard it countless times. But he hoped to never hear it from you again, even if it made his heart thump against the restriction in his chest in a way that sung out for you to say it to him over and over.

He knew he had to escape you, especially when you seemed pleased to see signs of his struggle. You had to know what you had done then and it made him angry, spitting out a few words before hastily retreating back to his office. Once inside the enclosed space, he leaned against the door and sucked in some deep breaths to steady himself, shaking his head slowly at how affected he was.

Today the connection with you had won.

He had almost cancelled dinner with you several times. He knew it would be the most logical way to discuss your connection, but the longer he thought about it, Jinyoung grew more concerned. Just how much damage could such a meeting cause? He was still struggling with your voice on repeat in his brain and work had been harder than it should’ve been to concentrate on. If this was the affect you would have on him from just two brief moments in time, how would an entire meal serve him?

Jinyoung didn’t want to admit he was scared. His usual collected composure was impossible to keep in check with all the fantasies he had in the last twenty-four hours of you. During his teenage years, he had only one focus and dating had never crossed his mind. Was he making up for lost time with all these delicious images? They equally repulsed him though; he couldn’t understand why he was so worked up over you. Jinyoung was sick of it all and wished to go back to how things were before he met you, and that was the only thing that fuelled him on to meet you at the restaurant.

The maître d mentioned his guest was already waiting in the private room and he followed her down the hallway to the sliding door that kept you out of sight. Taking a steadying breath, Jinyoung thanked her and stepped inside. When he caught your gaze, he immediately felt like he was sinking again. It was hard to accept the immediate build of desire he felt for you and he sat down across from you awkwardly. He already wanted to escape this situation, and Jinyoung grew frustrated with his cowardly approach, taking another heavy breath to settle some of his nerves.

He thanked you for coming as simply as he could, avoiding your gaze and looking for something to occupy him. Jinyoung could tell you were offended by his lack of pleasantries and for some reason, he liked this, he felt like he could use that emotion as leverage in this otherwise difficult situation.

“Shall we choose something to eat?” he finally asked, knowing if he stalled he would lose his ability to even talk to you. It was strange, he had never wanted to talk to his soulmate but now he was here, he wanted to hear everything you had to say. Was it the way your voice had haunted him since yesterday? Did he have some kind of need to continue hearing even simple words fall from your luscious lips? Just looking at your mouth made him uncomfortable with the inner thoughts he was experiencing and he reached forward for a menu hastily, needing something to occupy his mind.

When you grabbed the other end though, it stunned him. Yesterday when he had passed you his card he hadn’t felt like this, maybe because he had been so desperate for the situation to be over and done with. Tonight, in this private setting and with you looking gorgeous in your navy dress however, he was affected by even the slight differences in your breathing. It made sense the object you held now felt alive between you and sent a jolt through his arm as if you had touched him yourself. He wanted to drop the menu and grab your hand instead. Blinking rapidly at this new desire, he let go of the connection you had and busied himself with reaching for the second menu.

A small gasp left you then and he swallowed heavily, thrusting the menu up in front of his face and started an internal pep-talk to pull himself together. He felt pathetic; all his proclamations over the years were now feeble in front of you. It was a lot harder to resist temptation than he ever thought it would be.

For a short moment, as he scanned the menu, he felt misplaced guilt for all the anger he had carried around for his sister and her actions years ago. If he felt like this over you, well, he could understand why his sister couldn’t turn away the criminal she loved from first sight. He knew your gaze was on him in that moment and when he looked up, he felt a pang of sadness. You couldn’t help the urge to want to know more about him either. He sighed; being someone’s soulmate was far too complicated.

“Have you found something?” he asked, looking away but softening his gaze all the same. You could enjoy a meal together; he owed you that at the very least. “Shall I order for the both of us?”

You nodded and he felt dejected, you still hadn’t spoken yet. Was this punishment for his attitude towards you so far? Jinyoung pressed the button on the table for service and ordered the meal, looking over at you hesitantly when you were alone again. Your eyes avoided Jinyoung’s now and he stared at you for some time, the ghost of a smile playing on his lips. He could tell you were someone he could easily fall in love with and for a moment, he allowed those notions to overwhelm him.

But Jinyoung didn’t want to fall in love with anyone and grew annoyed at getting swept up in the juvenile feelings again. He thought back to his sister and scowled. You looked perfectly fine, and so had the man she loved. He knew nothing about you and entertaining romantic notions was unacceptable. He was thankful for the arrival of your meal and began to eat, focusing on cutting each part of his food with precision.

And then you called out his name. “Jinyoung?”

The only response was the clatter of his fork from his hand as the intensity of your voice swelled his mind. He was drowning in the immense pleasure his name now gave him. It took too much energy to restrain his thoughts but he soon reached for his fork. Jinyoung gripped at the utensil and composed himself. “Yes?”

“I’d appreciate if we just got to the reason to this meeting. Dinner is very nice and all but with no conversation, it just makes us strangers.”

“Isn’t that what we are?” he replied instantly, groaning internally at how immature the statement was. He knew better than that, even if you had been strangers until two days ago. Your eyes were hard and he knew he couldn’t avoid it anymore. He had the desire to know your name, the one he had previously refused to speak into existence. You had said his name twice now and you hadn’t once felt what he had. It urged him to ask for it and you offered your name immediately. It was as beautiful as you were and he felt joy with hearing your name next to his in his mind. He uttered it without any regard, too lost in how giddy it made him feel to hear it.

But when he glanced at you, he could see visibly what he had felt himself. You looked lost, your hands gripping at your own utensils so hard that your knuckles were white. He smiled then, satisfied that you had at least suffered now as he had. Though he was genuine too, he liked that you knew how your name felt to him. He wondered if you were enjoying the sensation of your names intertwining together and he watched you struggle to surface from the emotions now overwhelming you. It then dawned on Jinyoung what he had done and how he hadn’t wanted this. He had gotten caught up in the moment again.

Placing down his utensils, you blinked out of your stupor and he sighed. “Shall I be blunt with you, Y/N?”

He hadn’t realised your name had fallen from his lips so easily until it had and he watched your eyes flicker with exasperation. “Of course, Jinyoung.”

He deserved that.

All the same, he took another breath before continuing. “I don’t believe in the whole soulmate expectancy on life. I know it exists, I know you exist. But I had been hoping that I wouldn’t ever meet you.”

Your processing of his statement hurt him more than he expected it to. There was instant anguish in your eyes and he wished he could take it back, to remove the despair you were openly showing. He was surprised by how much he had hurt you, and further, how much it bothered him that he had. You recovered, guarding your eyes so he couldn’t see your emotions as well anymore.

“If it makes you feel more at ease, I had hoped to become a minority.”

“You what?” he breathed, amazed that you could want the same as he. Why though, did it upset him to hear that? He had openly dismissed your connection and now that you were doing it back, he didn’t like it one bit. It confused him and you seemed to gain the upper hand in that moment. You told him that you believed in soulmates but you assumed there was some mistake. He wasn’t following you entirely and you grew more vindictive out of your pain.

“After all, you just so easily dismissed my existence. You hoped to never meet me? Well, I hoped to marry my best friend. We don’t get what we want though, Park Jinyoung. Life is destined before we get a choice. And in this lifetime I was ill-fated to be matched with you.”

“Ill-fated?!” he exclaimed, insulted that you could say such a thing. That was what his sister had faced. He was capable and successful; there was nothing that would make him a mistake in your life. And who was this best friend? He felt dizzy, annoyed and worked up over something that had he allowed clarity into, would be a perfect way to escape his destiny with you. But he wasn’t thinking straight and he felt the need to further explain himself, yet you gave him no way in, glaring at him as you accused him of making more excuses.

In that moment, he was highly attracted to you. Your frustrations had made you flushed from your anger and it made his heart beat out of rhythm. He smiled. “You’re feisty. It’s a change from the meek Y/N of before.”

“I’d appreciate if you didn’t say my name from here out, considering how we’re strangers,” you continued and he had to bite back his laughter at how adorable you were. Why was he like this? Just moments ago he was offended, and before that, upset by this situation. Jinyoung felt as if he was experiencing whiplash from all the emotions tugging him back and forth and needed to draw a decisive line, to control them again as he had his whole life. These new emotions were far too draining on his mental health. He nodded slowly, realising he only had now to establish any chance of avoiding your connection. You were already shut off behind a wall that he had helped start building, though he was certain he was capable enough of pulling it down if he wanted to reach out for you. And he did. He wanted to make you his forever.

But his pride was too outspoken and his normal childhood years that were robbed from him by this pride and incessant need to do the opposite of his sister was still there. He couldn’t ignore it and before he realised it, he had delivered the words he had wanted to from the beginning. He was dedicated to the hospital and his career, not to you.

You accepted his decision with ease, getting up and thrusting your hand out at him. It felt like a trap, he knew if he touched you that he’d regret it. Jinyoung knew as soon as he walked away from this evening he was going to regret it anyway and was compelled by your reckless offering. He grabbed your hand instantly, barely focusing on the last words you said to him with your forced smile.

“May we never meet again.”

You left then and he sat there, knowing no one was going to win from this outcome.

Jinyoung didn’t want to admit life without you was harder than he imagined it would be. At first, he threw all of his focus into his work, staying back late and picking up extra shifts to distract him from the ache within his chest. It worked as an immediate remedy but over time he was still struggling without you. Whoever it was that you were visiting the hospital for had obviously been discharged soon after your final meeting. Or you had chosen that it wasn’t vital to visit anymore. He soon gave up waiting to hear the unique sounds of your steps coming towards him.

After a year, Jinyoung hit an all time low. His family had finally heard from his sister and initially, it was a relief to know she was still alive and not in jail as they had feared for her. When he received a message that she was at the family home, he had left the hospital in a rush, driving all the way to the house to see her with his own eyes. It was as if he was looking at a stranger. Whilst she bore a similar resemblance to his mother, she was a ghost of the vibrant teenager she had been the last time he saw her. And attached to her leg was a tiny child that looked very much so like that man. He couldn’t control his anger and tried to make her leave since she had done such a good job of that years ago.

And she planned to do it again too.

“I don’t want him to live my life,” she begged, crying as she pried his toddler fingers away from her. “I need him to grow up some place safe.”

“You should have thought about that when you created him!” Jinyoung shot back even though he was defeated. Her eyes were desperate as she grasped onto his lower arm, his parents picking up her son and welcoming him in without further argument. They hadn’t been able to save her, but he knew they would do everything to make sure their grandson grew up safe. Jinyoung closed his eyes as he shook with his emotions.

“Don’t live like me Jinyoung, don’t do anything you’d regret,” she advised before she walked out of their lives again, leaving everyone grieving after her a second time.

He hated her for those words. They enticed him day and night, and he brooded over what they meant. Jinyoung had lived his life by the book. He had a successful career, his own home and car, he was set for life. How dare his sister insinuate he had something in life to regret? Jinyoung had been a model teenager and at age thirty he was now feeling rebellious. They said it came easy to those who were still without a soulmate, minorities often turned to things in their life they hadn’t experienced before since they had kept their slate clean for any potential soulmate. And even though Jinyoung had you, he didn’t have you now. He needed to test the advice his sister had given him, just how much could he regret in life?

A fellow doctor in his department, Jackson Wang, invited him out to celebrate his birthday and for the first time, Jinyoung actually agreed to go. He knew the man was a minority and the strip club was his first place to visit on his special day after work. Jinyoung found himself fascinated that there was a need for such a place, downing a couple of shots and letting the festivities excite him for some reason. Never had Jinyoung been in such a situation and he felt free from his usual structured life. Jackson noticed this and encouraged him out more often, and each time Jinyoung let the stress of his work life go when he was in the company of Jackson and his friends. Soon, he realised he had ignored making friends for too long and he was greedy for more experiences, wrapped up in the cheers of his new friends to do more with his life.

He was more than a doctor and he’d prove that.

But whenever they mentioned he should look for a minority woman of his own, Jinyoung was hesitant. He hadn’t told anyone he’d met you and technically he wasn’t a minority at all. Just the idea of being close to another woman made his skin crawl. He was used to the endless sensations in his hand from touching you almost two years ago now. He liked that feeling and he hated the idea of others tainting that. But too many drinks later he eventually found himself in the lap of a woman who looked just like you.

In his intoxicated state, he wondered if it was actually you. He squinted up, his glasses missing from his face now that the alcohol had overtaken him. He wasn’t a composed doctor here and needing his glasses seemed silly. All the same, he asked if she knew him and she giggled, placing a hand on his chest and trailing it down. She said she wanted to know more of him and Jinyoung was excited. Did you really want to know more about him too? He had wanted to give you all of him back then. But he had been a coward. Now though, Jinyoung wanted nothing more than to have all of you.

The woman accepted his embrace, giggling often and he smiled lazily against her. He had never heard you laugh and he wondered if it was really this high. His skin pulsated as his face was moved up to hers and he blinked a few times, realising it wasn’t you at all. You weren’t anything like the woman that held him now. He struggled against her with his weakened limbs, the alcohol making him clumsier than usual. And then she smiled warmly, telling him it would be alright. That she would make him feel better. Would she? Would she take away all the pain he felt? When her lips found his, he knew she wouldn’t, but he kissed her back bitterly.

Nothing but you would make him right again.

It was three years on from his rebellion yet Jinyoung still felt like there was something missing in his life. He had a couple of career advancements and had finally found a group of friends that suited who he was. He often helped his parents out with Jindae, his nephew, and he actually liked being an uncle. Jinyoung had new hobbies he did when he wasn’t at the hospital and he even joined a gym.

But none of them fulfilled him. He craved what he thought he never wanted. A family with you.

It wasn’t as if he wasn’t proactive in his search for you. He had tried to find you. But with not even a last name to go by, he had struggled. Jinyoung wondered if you had moved on, moved away from here and made it even harder for him to rediscover you. Perhaps it was much too late for him, he didn’t know. He continued with his soulmate studies, especially on nights where his hand tingled for hours on end. He would often smile down at that connection, hoping that it meant you were out there thinking of him. Even though he had been a jerk the last time you had seen him, he was hopeful for another chance.

“Are you paying attention, Park?” his friend Jaebum asked as the squash ball flew passed him and he blinked out of his thoughts, retrieving the ball to hit it again. They lobbied it back and forth against the wall when suddenly his hand started to ache. It happened now and then with the other sensations he got but it felt worse for some reason today. Jinyoung gripped at the racquet in attempts to ignore the pain but it was no use, it was forever present even when their indoor squash session was over.

“Are you thinking of her again?” his friend asked as they got changed out of their active clothes and Jinyoung looked over at Jaebum. The man looked concerned. “I’ve searched as much as I can through our systems at the station. Are you sure she wasn’t a ghost?”

Admittedly, Jinyoung would have preferred that. Then you would visit him and he would be able to do more than just talk to himself in his home when he was desperate to tell you things. It had been a way to deal with the ache in his chest, although he hadn’t gone as far as telling the police officer that much.

Jaebum sighed. “Do you want me to do another look for Y/N?”

“Maybe it’s for the best, she’s probably found some minority and-”

“That’s not what your heart wants though,” Jaebum cut in, slinging an arm around his shoulders. “You want to hear her again, to see her and tell her how sorry you were for back then. Don’t give up. It took me years to find Kat again but it was worth it. I’m not buying your defeatist attitude at all.”

“Another topic?” Jinyoung suggested and with a roll of his eyes, Jaebum grinned.

“Lunch?”

“Your shout?”

Jaebum jumped on him playfully. “It should be your shout Doctor; my poor Constable salary is looking a bit empty!”

“Fine, fine,” Jinyoung agreed, going over to his car to put away his equipment bag. And then he was overwhelmed with a sense of dread, gripping onto the back door longer than necessary.

“You okay?”

Jinyoung looked up at Jaebum, puzzled. “I think so. I just feel like something bad is going to happen.”

“Huh. Your ghost is now helping you with premonitions too?” Although it sounded like a joke, Jaebum was too serious for it to reach Jinyoung like one. They stared at each other for a moment and then Jinyoung sighed.

“Rain-check?”

Jaebum nodded. “Let me know if anything comes from this.”

Once in his car, Jinyoung drove around mindlessly. He didn’t know what he was meant to be doing but he felt like he was needed somewhere, that someone needed him. It was at a set of lights when he heard a scream inside his head. At first, he thought his brain was conjuring something just to have an answer for the state he was in. But the ache in his arm increased and urgency took over, Jinyoung swinging the car around in the opposite direction.

He drove to the hospital, running into the building and darted around frantically. He worked here and knew these halls off by heart and yet it seemed to take him too long to make it to the Emergency Department, heaving in a deep breath as he scanned the rows of beds. Why was he looking for you? He hoped that he wouldn’t find you here at the same time that he begged for you to appear in front of him too. When he rounded the corner, he knew you were there with how his body reacted and pushed forward; following the feeling within him until he ran into the cubicle you laid within.

His eyes caught yours briefly before he turned to the nurse questioning his appearance on his day off, demanding she gave him the information he needed. He was panicking. The idea that you were before him sent relief all throughout his system temporarily, but hospitals weren’t a place he’d wish any of his loved ones to end up. Were you badly hurt or sick? Jinyoung read the current prognosis was a broken leg and concussion. Without thinking, he went into work mode, ensuring everything that could be done was done. You needed his proficiency and he had been a doctor for too long to let you down in your treatment.

As he was ordering the nurse to get you booked in for a cast, your hand grabbed at his arm, and Jinyoung snapped his focus to yours. You looked so fragile, so little within the bed with your eyes wide like that. It hurt him more than he thought it would. Anyone else who came in with a broken leg wouldn’t have even bothered him. But it was you and he had failed to keep you safe.

Jinyoung didn’t deserve your need for him in that moment, and he slipped away from you, focusing on what he could do best for you.

It took him some time within his office to calm down. You were safe, and he had ensured you would be admitted after your cast was on. But he couldn’t shake this feeling of letting you down. What had happened to you? Could he have prevented it if he was in your world before today? He cursed his younger self for the umpteenth time before answering his phone. You had been admitted.

He decided he would visit you in your room. It wasn’t the right time to be apologising; it wouldn’t seem as sincere as he wanted it to be. With you on heavy medication and the stress of your injury, the last thing you needed was your soulmate confessing to all his sins.

Jinyoung opted to give you company instead.

You stared up at his arrival and he stood there, allowing you the moment to look at him. He did the same thing back, soaking in all the ways you had changed over the last five years. It was hard not to judge your appearance right now, considering you were the sick one. He knew you were lacking in nutrients from the blood test he had requested, and that was evident with the pallor of your skin. Had you fainted? Had something else happened? Jinyoung needed answers and approached you lying in the bed, asking how you felt.

You scoffed at his concern. “How would you feel with a broken leg and an aching body?”

He couldn’t help but smile. “I see you’re still sassy.”

“Only when it comes to you.”

He grew silent, knowing his appearance bothered you. But the longer he stayed; he could tell you were relaxing in his company. It gave him hope that you wanted him there. Questions plagued him and he tried to make sense of the situation. He asked you how it happened and you were instantly confused when he mentioned what he had experienced. For someone who had told him how badly you wanted to meet your soulmate, you seemed to have little information on how the connection actually worked.

Perhaps he had too much knowledge and most people were surprised when things like this happened. All the same, he felt overwhelmed with how connected he was to you after all this time. He confirmed you felt the tingling sensation in your hand, and he realised it was because of that you had been distracted and hurt yourself. He didn’t want to let it inflate him too much but knowing he had been on your mind today excited him as much as your immature response to him did.

Having you injured also hurt him. He looked at you lying in the bed in poor taste. “I never gave you permission to do this to me. Why would you hurt yourself like this?”

“I’m so sorry for the inconvenience.” Your tongue was venomous, but your eyes showed desperation. Even as you tried to tell him to leave, he played around with you, trying to evoke more emotion from you. He wanted to see if you really wanted him to go and your excuses were weak. He grinned. Jinyoung knew there was no true protest within you.

After establishing you were unable to sleep due to your concussion, he asked you to tell him about yourself. Jinyoung waited with bated breath, hoping you would tell him something, anything. Surprisingly, you didn’t struggle to tell him everything. In fact, the longer you talked, the happier you became. You laughed at memories you shared and you genuinely anticipated his own reactions too.

When you asked him about his own history, he was careful. He wanted to tell you everything, and in some ways he did. He mentioned he had a hard upbringing due to a tragedy in the family, and how he had trained to be a doctor. You were fascinated by his world much like he had been of yours, and one day he hoped to tell you all the things he omitted. Today wasn’t the day though, and when he noticed how tired you were, he knew it was time to let you sleep. Jinyoung wasn’t going to let you go so easily this time and he knew you couldn’t leave the hospital until he signed the discharge forms. Further, he had all your personal information now. Jinyoung felt equipped to leave you to rest, even though he knew it would be a struggle for him to be away from you.

You seemed to dread his departure as well. “Is this going to be a dream? When I wake up tomorrow, will you be gone again?”

“I thought you wanted me to leave?” he teased lightly, smiling at how vulnerable you appeared. You were reaching out to him with your eyes and he chuckled with how happy it made him. “I have work tomorrow, so I’ll definitely be here.”

“Yes, but I meant-”

“I know what you mean, Y/N,” he told you, unable to hold back from tousling your hair affectionately. Your reaction fuelled him on and Jinyoung stared at you for a moment before leaning down, brushing his lips over your forehead. “I’ll be here.”

And he knew he would be from here on out.

Bringing you home was a treat he had looked forward to since he has signed your discharge papers. He had taken the time off to drive you home and even though he knew where you lived, he had fun teasing you about checking the files openly when you tried to refuse his hospitality.

Once at your apartment, you seemed impatient to get away from him. He knew you didn’t want him to leave you, the nurses had told him throughout the day that you had mentioned him in conversation more than once. All the same, your anxious reaction caused the warmth in his heart to damper. He knew he had to push a little harder.

As you hobbled inside the apartment, you turned to farewell him but Jinyoung moved around you, using the crutches you were hobbling on to his advantage and took in the state of your home. He had expected you to be different from him. Even as a child you sounded carefree, and your home now as an adult showed signs of your priorities. It made him smile in delight, noticing all your charms within your belongings.

You were embarrassed though and he couldn’t help but tease you about it. You cried out in horror when he noticed your dishes and went to clear them, following him as quickly as you could on your crutches, and losing your balance on the unevenness of the ground. Before you could steady yourself, Jinyoung was there, holding you up and staring at you wide-eyed.

Every inch of him felt on fire as he held you to him. The sensations he was used to were dull in comparison to how he felt right now. And when you looked up at him it became impossible to breathe. Sinful thoughts filled his mind and urged him to take you, to show you just how much he felt for you since the first time he met you. He ached to see all of you, emotionally and physically, and he felt as if he was swimming up-current, being crushed against a rock as he tried to escape his feelings.

He let you go, not because he wanted to but before he did anything that you might feel was too rushed. “Be more careful.”

You were just as affected as he was, struggling to come to terms with every minute feeling you had just felt. He could tell when you distantly mentioned about changing for bed and headed to your room that you were battling against those emotions as much as he was. Jinyoung smiled as he cleaned up your kitchen for you, and looked around your home. It wasn’t going to be easy for you to do simple tasks with how everything was arranged, and he deciphered the most obvious routes from your bedroom and bathroom doors to your living area, moving your sofa along so it would take fewer steps to get to the kitchen. He still wasn’t satisfied you would be okay to be on your own and eyed the sofa with high interest, wondering how comfortable it would be to set up camp there.

Jinyoung’s eyes then flickered to the door that hid you from him and he sighed, thinking about your bed. It was strange with how accepting he was with all these emotions. Never had he expected to be someone who would race ahead in a relationship. But this wasn’t just any relationship. His soul was begging for yours as much as he rationally was falling for you. And when he thought over the past five years, he realised he had been ready for this moment for a lot longer than just the few days he had been back in your company for.

Approaching the door, he knocked on it once and asked if you were done. You called out in farewell and he frowned, not understanding how you could do so without seeing him again. Opening the door, he asked what you meant and then came to a standstill at your appearance. You had only a large bed shirt on and nothing else. Were you trying to kill him?! Jinyoung eyed your legs hungrily, feeling the simmering urges from before overwhelm him again.

“Do you ever knock?!”

“I did,” he pointed at the door he vaguely was aware he held, his eyes still glued to your thighs. “I knocked.”

“You don’t just enter the room when someone starts talking though!”

“You were telling me to leave, how was I meant to know it was because you were scantily dressed?!” Just admitting what he saw out-loud made him heave in a breath. He tried to be modest about his gaze, not that you were helping any. It was impossible and he stared shamelessly at you as you groaned.

“Go home.”

“No.”

You told him you were fine, but Jinyoung wasn’t. He moved across the room, forgetting all about being mindful of your hesitance. All he could think about was the time he wasted. The two years where he let his pride win and the three where he couldn’t find you. It was all such a waste and before he could stop himself, he started confessing to his mistakes. “Why was I stupid to let you go back then?”

He was much closer to you now and it was evident you were warming to the idea of the lust enshrouding the bedroom. Your feeble attempt to warn him was shut down by the way your body leaned into his, and he offered you a chance to refute his advances, to tell him that being with him was the last thing you wanted. You merely gazed into Jinyoung’s eyes, sinking into them further and blindly reached out for him. Your desires had won and Jinyoung wasted no time in taking you in his arms, enjoying the heat emanating from within.

“I was a fool for not doing this five years ago when I wanted to,” he told you and leaned down to taste you for the first time and Jinyoung’s mind came undone as soon as you kissed him back. The fire became unbearable and his hands roamed and gripped at you as he equally attempted to rein in the passion bursting from deep within him. You were opening up to him further though, your caresses and demands of your hot mouth enticing further danger of combusting from the heat that overtook you both. The first kiss moved into a second, and then was followed by a third and forth before you both finally separated for much needed air. You stared up at Jinyoung in wonder, and he felt your heart transfer to him then, openly allowing him to have it, to have you.

It made him smile and rest his forehead against yours after pecking your swollen lips again. “I’m cursing you for breaking your leg right now even though it’s the reason we’re together like this.”

“Why?” He gave you a knowing look and you caught onto his desires as you gripped at him more tightly. “Oh.”

“And it’s going to take about eight more weeks until your cast is off too,” he muttered with a pout. He liked the attention you gave him and played up for you, your smile growing at his antics. “Why are you making me wait so long to make you mine?”

“Aren’t I already?” you offered and Jinyoung felt another wave of pure elation overwhelm him, his lips finding yours and kissing you until you whined from the pain in your leg. Jinyoung cringed lightly and he helped you sit down, as a doctor, he should have known that leg needed elevation. As he crouched down in front of you though, he struggled with the thoughts of laying you down in your bed and placed his hands on your thighs instead, grappling at some decency to not just lay you down beside him all the same. You removed them hastily as you darted your gaze around, your face flushed with a similar need. It made him grin watching you attempt to settle down your own thirst.

“In about five weeks you should be okay.”

“I can’t believe we’re scheduling this,” you said with a laugh and Jinyoung shrugged, moving his hands back to your lap.

“Don’t want to wait?”

“Three days ago you didn’t care if I existed or not.” He stared at you for a moment and shook his head. Is that how you had truly thought all these years? As he had desperately searched for you and dreamed of holding you in his arms every night, you were living here in your cluttered apartment telling yourself that you didn’t need him because he wasn’t thinking of you? He wasn’t something that could fit into your overflowing bookshelf, something you had shoved back there to forget about him over the years.

“I cared from the first moment I saw you. I just wanted to be the best doctor I could be and let my pride rule out what my heart wanted. You made it easy for me to do that too.”

“And now?”

“Now I want to complete you and live our lives together,” he answered truthfully and you smiled giddily at him. He noticed how uncomfortable you were perched on the bed and smiled smugly as he continued. “I can be a pretty good doctor on the side. Doctor’s orders, it’s time for you to put your leg up and rest.”

“Is the Doctor going off-duty now too?” He couldn’t help but kiss you softly again once he had you comfortably in your bed.

“I should go home unless you need me to stay.” You wrestled over what to say and he chuckled. “I’ll go home. Five weeks will be even harder if I allow myself to sleep at your side tonight.”

There was an unspoken complaint from both of you at his statement, and the empty space beside you in the bed called out to him. He teased you a little longer and you continued to whine for him, making his heart beat faster at the way you openly showed a need to rely on him.

“I’ll see you tomorrow then. And every day after that too,” he promised after your final warning that he needed to leave before you both did something about the lust that was still brewing.

“Until when?”

He kissed you passionately, thinking over how much more there was to do with you. He had a lot to tell you, and even though there was your connection as soulmates, there was a lot to adapt to. He wanted you to move in with him, and he wanted to put a ring on your finger. Marriage was definitely something coming in the future after the endless hours of passion and catching up physically from the lost years. Then there was a chance to travel, to experience the world together. And more passion too. Jinyoung knew he’d never get enough of all of you and he’d only tasted just your lips. He looked you over after pulling away from your lips, trying to decipher just how much time all this would take. He smiled.

“Forever.”

________________

Next: Forever

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[chenoehi]

*I'm reposting this bc it's not in any of the tags anymore & I really hate tumblr 💆‍♀️💆‍♀️💆‍♀️

I had a thought about the namkook interaction at the festa dinner, the 'monitoring' comment.

I read and agreed with what @lovetheonlyyouthereis wrote about her theory and how it might have related to kookmin, but something just hit me. If anyone can help me out with specifics on one thing...

So, we all know that Jungkook decided to come to BigHit because of Namjoon and we've heard the story several times before, but for some reason I feel like we're hearing them bring it up more frequently. I wonder if anyone else thought it was curious that Jungkook mentioned it again on stage in Busan after he mentioned it at the festa dinner, which was taped months ago. Then there was Jungkook's answer to an interview question in London, calling Namjoon his first inspiration. There's just been a lot of reassurance coming from Jungkook recently that he values, respects, and loves Namjoon and it seems like it's almost coming out of nowhere because it's not like everyone didn't already know all of this. I'm not sure why but it almost looks like Jungkook is overcompensating, which could very well be because of some tension if the 'monitoring' had to do with kookmin as @lovetheonlyyouthereis discussed or if the monitoring had to do specifically with Jungkook himself.

That's the part I'm questioning; I don't doubt the KM part because as I said before I've already noticed that Namjoon has been more laid back when it comes to them lately, to the point that it has become very noticeable that he is not actively trying to 'break' KM up on stage or even be near them at times. He sometimes chooses not to speak and verbally divert attention when before he wouldn't have hesitated. It's a little odd and unpredictable but it really looks like he's operating on a 'live and let live' philosophy right now. Considering the fact that it was Jimin who had the 3-hour talk with him about the monitoring, considering that Jimin felt so strongly about this thing that was bothering Jungkook that he couldn't wait and he just had to talk to Namjoon about it knowing they had a *morning* schedule, meaning they had to be talking at who knows what time and you know they had to be zombies trying to go about their business, but whatever it was it was that important, considering all that I don't doubt it was something that was personal for Jimin too.

The part I'm thinking about now, or wondering about, is whether the monitoring/watching and the concern extended beyond KM and to Jungkook, as in Namjoon felt like he needed to monitor Jungkook for some reason. I say that for a few reasons, partially because there are things that go on behind the camera that we don't get to see obviously and we never will understand their entire personal lives or their thought processes, but we got a glimpse into Jungkook's at this festa dinner.

He called himself insignificant apart from the idol, BTS's JK, and that didn't surprise me to hear that he feels that way about himself to be honest but I can't say how sad it made me feel. He's made comments before about not really being anybody or having much of a personality, things to that extent, before joining BTS. He says he feels that they made him who he his, specifically, he said they 'filled him in', so without them he might feel lacking. On top of that he made the comments about school, about not studying. Jungkook has said before that he feels he stopped maturing at 15, and he feels he did not apply himself in school, but he also knows he's not the kind of person who traditional school is a good fit for. But he was 'raised' by a hyung who he idolized that was bookish who has an IQ of 148 who did study well who was a good student, and he is also potentially (for those who may not agree) in love with someone who is a math genius and who was class president and was a very good student, so he has all these examples of what he may feel like he should have been and wasn't and despite where he is now he can't see that none of that matters anymore. What does seem to matter to Jungkook is that he is a Jack of all Trades but a Master of None. His passion seems to be creating videos, but to become an expert at anything takes time, hardwork, and dedication, and he knows that. He has things he likes to do and he's good at everything, but I don't know if there is anything he has really mastered yet unless we count singing, but even with that I think he does still struggle sometimes with inflection of emotion.

So I know we all like to point out how perfect and golden he is but the reality is that Jungkook doesn't see himself that way. He felt like he had to apologize to us for not presenting his mixtape when he said he would because he felt he wasn't ready yet, that his skills weren't good enough. He felt whatever he did would be not up to his standards of perfection and a disappointment (there is more than one perfectionist who self critiques too harshly in bangtan, in the maknae line no less).

Back to the festa dinner and the monitoring comment:

I remembered something Namjoon said in "Burn the Stage," when Jungkook had his health issue in Chile. Namjoon said something to the extent, if I remember correctly, that he at one point was questioning if it was a physical problem or if the problem was 'mental' and he realized that it was obviously physical; please correct me if the interpretation is wrong (I don't have the gifs in front of me), but basically, what Namjoon did, period, was bring up the idea of it being the result of a mental problem when he said instead, this wasn't a mental problem this was physical. Because why would he say that unless Namjoon was questioning it to himself. BtS was one of the first things I watched when I started stanning BTS and I still thought that was a really weird thing to say. I'm not sure why he felt like he needed to make that distinction when talking about it. There were other things he said in BtS like Jungkook hides his exhaustion from the other members, so it seems that when things like Chile happen it reminds Namjoon that Jungkook is human and may not always be taking the best care of himself for whatever reasons.

We already knew all of that well, BtS let us into their world and gave us some insight, and Namjoon himself has often been the one to say things about Jungkook that gave us a glimpse of him.

So I thought about that moment which has always seemed out of place to me. The monitoring comment very much seemed to be coming from Jungkook with not really any input from the other members outside of Jimin, but if we consider that the monitoring comment had something to do with namkook as much as it did with kookmin then things like Chile and Namjoon's BtS comment seem more interesting, for lack of a better term.

But then I've been floating around on Quora, as I do sometimes when I'm bored, which is this online question and answer forum, and I saw this question about BTS asking some of their hardships or experiences they've endured and once you look at one answer you can see all of them if you want to. On several of the answers I saw the Chile incident mentioned for Jungkook, but some people said that it was not the only time he has passed out on stage or after a performance. Many people used the number 3 when referring to the number of times it has happened. I know one of those might be that award show performance this spring where he collapsed off stage after performing, but have there been other times when Jungkook has fainted or collapsed due to exhaustion or health prior to these 2019 award shows?

So, I don't doubt the monitoring/watching might have had something to do with KM too, partly because Namjoon has backed off KM a LOT and also because Jimin was the one who went and talked to him; I also love the timing of Jungkook's 'live how you want to live' message for festa and find that telling. But, I don't think that's the only explanation, not after thinking about and reconsidering some namkook specific interactions. Especially in light of what Jungkook said at the festa dinner which was in line with things he's said about himself before.

Basically what I'm thinking is that it's possible some things have gone on in his personal life, emotional, mental, physical health and well being that have caused Namjoon some concern and led to similar monitoring of Jungkook. I'm curious to see if anyone else agrees or if anyone thought that Namjoon's comment in BtS was out of place. Correct me if I'm wrong, but all of the members at one point or another have either spoken or alluded to their mental and emotional health, and sometimes they talk about each other. But I don't remember Jungkook ever saying anything about his mental health. He speaks about a lot of things now but I can't recall anything he's said about that if he's talked about it, and that's strange to me considering that even just recently he's said negative things about himself and also knowing that his hyungs talk about mental health so freely. I think because they talk about their mental health specifically it makes a contrast to the fact that he doesn't really talk about his.

This is particularly interesting to me considering that in the KM relationship Jungkook likes to praise Jimin and build him up, and he doesn't really let him talk badly about himself; the most recent example of the haircut is perfect, he told everyone that Jimin's haircut was cute at the Busan muster because he knew Jimin was self conscious about it. It all gives off the vibe that Jungkook can easily help others practice self love but might have a harder time when it comes to himself. That 'insignificant' comment really let's you know something right there. The fact that he considers some of the experiences he lost by choosing the idol life and career to have set him back and that he's actually comparing himself, however subconsciously, to a person he idolized and another person he cares for it just reinforces his insignificant comment because he's saying he doesn't value his own experience because it wasn't what he thinks it should have been.

Not to be dramatic, but I'm really thinking about this kid who entered a very brutal industry at the age of what, 12? 13? And his parents weren't with him. This was a kid who Jimin found crying in the kitchen because he missed his parents, who was so shy at first that he couldn't shower around them or take his clothes off, who broke down when Hoseok was going to leave the group, a kid who Yoongi said had a big heart but his hyungs couldn't see it then because we all know he had a hard time showing that side, who was so emotionally complicated that he couldn't handle too much affection in front of the camera, and who only cried for his hyungs and not for himself.

Right now, I'm kind of suspicious of what's bringing up all of the namkook content we keep getting; could it be because the conversation Jimin and Namjoon had about Jungkook's issues w/NJ's monitoring led to some tension? Is this just reassurance that NJ is still his first love the leader of his life?

This went off topic and got rambly at times. I've honestly just been watching for a while and wondering if anyone is picking up the same things I am. I know Jungkook is not the member the fandom likes to discuss the most when it comes to these things and I really think sometimes, is it just me, or is the fandom simply more focused elsewhere.

[migleefulmoments]

Le Sign, Abby

Anonymous asked: this is funny, C posted a photo of beard, D posted photos with the beard. Almost like they were sitting next to each other and saying “ok ok I will say this” (and it isn’t like EVERY Halloween Darren and Chris post their costumes for their fans)

 ajw720 answered:

The only difference, C controls his SM and the bearding, D does not, (that isn’t true but I know you need to believe it or your world comes tumbling down). but they knew the Halloween post was coming when C posted his belated b-day wishes (not that he acknowledged they were late).  

It really is, if you can remove the very human, tragic element, like a script for a really bad D Movie.  C posts “Happy Birthday, Babe!” a day after the man’s actual b-day and “D” praises his fake bride for MAKING TEN costumes (let me stop you right there, Darren was actually APPRECIATING Mia for putting together 10 costumes while he was too busy to help. He was praising her for thinking of and executing 10 costumes. He was honoring her for being as into Halloween as he is and playing along. He was praising her because he loves her. If he wanted to praise her for shopping he would have use the word shopping. Your reductive shopping tirades- which you turned it into a full day of nonsense intended to bully Mia- misses the point of his Tweet entirely. At the end of the day, he appreciates her. If your lover appreciates you AND is sensitive enough to care about your feelings they should write something about you on social media..if they aren’t, then it sucks to be you but shut up because the shopping straw man silly makes you look petty, obtuse, unappreciated, mean girls who are so jealous you can’t see straight.  Yes, a lot of their costumes this year were mass-produced and purchased this year-so what? Who cares? Is the bar of Halloween costumes that they are all couture? In the past they have used costume designers- they never made their own costumes entirely from scratch themselves. But that doesn’t mean that coordinating 10 costumes isn’t time consuming and clearly Darren didn’t care -he appreciated her.) Sure praise her if she actually designed them and sat with her sewing machine  No, she went online and ordered things (I doubt she even went to a store) (Why would that matter? You really have no idea what she did do you? You’re just grasping because you're so pissed that Darren mentioned Mia and now you are stuck erasing that history...AGAIN. Darren is always doing things with- and saying things about- his wife that prove time and time again that they are a couple and he loves her...it infuriates you because you have to erase it or "debunk” it. ) and 3 couple costumes were cheap frankly (Again, why would that matter but also at $50+ per costume, I wouldn't call that “cheap”?).  The only thought was how narcissistic she could be (What did she do? I didn’t see her social media...what did she say? Oh, right, you didn’t see her social media.  You're just pissed that Darren mentioned one nice word about her. Your the one who blew it up into Armageddon and gave her so much attention) in their execution (as @flowersintheattic254 pointed out even the Mario costume had  a reason, it was a reminder of Japan and the fake encagement by referring to the ad that paid for their trip there) (Huh? You're insane.  That’s suuuucccchhhhhh a stretch- but then you cannot stop thinking about that trip. I just don’t understand who the person you believe ccDarren is.  Is he such a coward that he lets Mia walk all over him and hurt him over and over? Why would he agree to be a dog hurt by CDV or make fun of the place they g to engaged if ccMia was ruining his life? Nobody is that much of a wuss ass twit.  The rest of us on planet sanity know that a the real reason they wore that costume was because Mario wins when he rescues Peach).

And seriously how are people not questioning that she spent the entirety of her month picking TEN costumes? (Because it isn’t our place to question that. I don’t get your beef? Is it because she isn’t stuck working 9-5 in a cubicle like you are? Is it because she both a successful business and a wealthy spouse so she has more freedom than you do?)  Who has time for this?  I know, i know, a person whose only role in life is to play fake plus one.(You come off as so jealous every time you bring this up-and god how many times can you bring it up? How other people live shouldn’t concern you. It just spins up your anxiety and you have no control over it. Couples make decisions about their roles and their work schedules and nobody else gets a say and nothing is “normal” or “abnormal”.) 

I am just so tired by D in particular being utterly dragged down by the useless dead weight by his side and his team’s sole ambition to promote her and make her sound like a decent person. (Here’s the harsh reality Abby- Darren posted his Halloween costumes and gave Mia a simple mentioned and you have written or reposted 23 posts about it just today. It has consumed your blog and your life. The ONLY person pushing and promoting Mia is YOU and your ilk. Mia is a decent person with lots and lots of friends-but even if she was the world’s worst person-even if she sat all day stalking and cyber-bulling strangers - you still have no say in who Darren marries and loves. That you don’t like her- or that you 

If they wanted to praise her, maybe they should have forced her to participate in the zero waste initiative instead of sitting drinking by the pool or have her volunteer to help young girls who have been kicked out of their homes, or have been raped.  (This entire paragraph is rich-talk about moving the goalposts- if he had put her in the video-which wasn't under his control since it wasn’t his project, he was just the host- you would have lost your shit over her being in the video raging about her lack of worth  she isn’t famous, she’s a slut, blah blah blah...like please please have enough self respect to recognize that you would have been livid if she was in the project). Or pick any cause and truly volunteer her time to promote it (you have NO idea what she does with her time or money because she doesn’t post it on social media. If she did, you would be raging that she was looking for attention- so please stop. What do YOU do to help the world?).  If she is not going to actually get a job and pursue a career (SHE OWNS A BUSINESS!!!!! Just like your boss... and you know she does. Your refusal to accept that is an ad hominom logical fallacy) please force her to do something that is actually of value and contribute something good to the world. But to praise her for picking TEN costumes? (Le sigh.)   

Praise that comes from a man who this year alone won three awards, is starring in a show he created and wrote the music for, has his first big movie premiere this week, is exec producer and star of a huge show on N/etflix, just announced his starring role with 2 A++ lists actors next spring on Broadway, celebrated the 5th anniversary of the festival he created, volunteered his time for the zero waste initiative, performed at several charity events, and was just yesterday name limited series actor of the decade.  Where is the praise for him from his “bride”? (Abby, come on, just because she doesn’t have public sm doesn’t mean she isn’t praising him in real life -or on her private sm-in fact, she has praised him on her social media that has been reblogged and you bitch about that. She was bragging about him speaking Tagalog at a dinner and your bitched and moaned that she didn’t know the language his mom speaks-forgive me for not believing you know more than she does). He at least deserves it. (Why does he deserve it? Because he’s famous and he’s a good actor? People are more than the value of their celebrity. You sure buy into the celebrity-obsessed culture don’t you? Pathetic. A husband thanking his wife for doing something for him is not something you can argue about-It is what it is. You have no say. There is no argument, no straw man, no gaslighting, and no erasing it). 

(here is where it gets intense)

How do they not see how ridiculous it is for someone with D’s accomplishments in 2019 alone praise a person for purchasing TEN costumes for Halloween? (SMH because one has nothing to do with other. Comparing them is another logical fallacy-your entire post is full of them. It’s like saying that if I am honored for my work saving kids’ lives, you can’t be honored for your work because your work in corporate immigration isn’t as important as mine is). And stans, how do you accept that this is right or normal. (I just don’t get why you continue to ask us WHY and then outright refuse to learn from what we say.  A life without learning is a wasted a life, Abby. To answer your question-because there is no “right" or “normal” when it comes to a stranger’s life. Darren’s life is Darren’s life and he can marry a Rhode’s Scholar or high school drop out with a low IQ. He can marry someone who never wanted to work or someone who wants to own the world. He can marry a humanitarian or Kim Kardashian.  It’s his choice..not yours...you have no say whatsoever.)  You really know nothing about him and have such little respect for him as a person if you continue to accept the character his idiotic team has created on his behalf.  It is so far from the person he is and that he generally holds himself out to be when given the opportunity. (oooh someone has been reading my blooogggggg. No, Abby, YOU have no clue who Darren is.  When I read Darren’s words or hear him in an interview, I take in what he says and I simply add that info into my internal “who is Darren” file. This is how we learn about the personality of anyone and everyone we know. We hear what they say about themselves and we take in how they act and what they care about, what they don’t care about, what they think is important, and what they do with their life at work and outside of work and we form a persona in our minds. You, on the other hand, have decided Darren is a very specific persona that you only see on rare occasions and looks far more like Blaine than he does like the real Darren.  So instead of listening and learning, you immediately set about to rewrite his words, change the meaning, and debase their value and intent because you have already formulated your version of Darren and it’s static. You won’t accept anything he does or says as “real” if it doesn’t meet that fantasy Darren. But this isn’t how it works in real life. We don’t label someone and then expect them to fit that model at all times or we get angry and scream “this isn’t normal”.  Everyone we know is growing and learning and changing al the time and we simply take in that information and store it away as part of their personality. You spend so much time being so angry about Darren’s life  because you haven’t actually seen much of your ccDarren since Glee ended. And you know that at some level because you just said “It is so far from the person he is and that he generally holds himself out to be when given the opportunity” That is the key here- the Darren you love is never around because that Darren ceased to exist when Blaine went away. The Real Darren is the one you see every single day- he’s a multifaceted guy-just like all of us- who can be prim and proper when he wants to but can be bawdy and crude and sexual. They are all Darren Criss). 

This isn’t about being a “gay fetishist” or “hating woman” this is about wanting for D to be fairly and accurately represented and no longer forced to participate in this stupid, life sucking game to promote a person that contributes absolutely nothing to the world.  (No, you're right, this isn’t about being a gay fetishist or misogynist- you are those as well- but this right here is about you not liking the person Darren Criss is in real life and demanding he adopt the persona of a character you fell in love with on Glee.    Darren was never Blaine. Yes, he can act like Blaine in an occasional Tweet or during an interview- usually on the red carpet when he doesn’t know the interviewer. But that doesn’t mean he is that person.  Think about it, you have never once seen the Darren you believe he is outside of Glee events, interviews, your favorite 3 Tweets (the Met Gala coat, the granddaughter of his Midway character and Bradley Cooper)  and the conversations you imagine he has with his family and Chris. It isn't reasonable to believe that the Darren you see every single day isn’t the real Darren. People are who they are, they aren’t who we want them to be- that goes for your favorite celebs, your parents, your best friends, your lovers, your coworkers and even your children (which is a very hard lesson for some parents). You’re suggesting that he is acting like someone else because you don’t like what you see. That isn’t  healthy, period. As for promoting a person who contributes nothing to this world- judging someone based entirely on other people’s social media mentions of her is frankly fucked up. It’s another logical fallacy to believe you know what Mia does for the world. She owns an entertainment venue and Darren is an entertainer. Just because Darren has more fame than she does, doesn’t make him more valuable. It’s really pathetic and sad that you see the world that way.)  If you want to have a strong female role model, there are so many, i’ve talked about a few in the past few days (thus far Nancy, Lea, and Phoebe)  and will continue to do so, but please stop worshiping a person whose sole reason you are speaking about her is her connection to D, even if you refuse to accept it is fake.  (Abby, Darren loves Mia. He married her, IDK what it takes for you to understand that you have no say in his life and bitching and moaning and demonizing Mia says nothing about Mia, but it does say everything about you. You're petty, cruel, a bully, and you are losing sight of reality- please get some help. As for role models- I had to ask because I couldn't’ imagine that Lea was Lea Michele-it’s funny how your opinion of her changed after you saw more of the real Lea on LM/DC tour. Maybe you should learn from that.  Nancy Pelosi-I mean yes but are you suggesting Darren marry Nancy? And Phoebe? Phoebe who? I don’t understand this argument at all. First of all it false presumes that everyone looks to Mia as a role model. None of us know her. The only people obsessing about others looking to Mia as a role model are you and the tinhats. I’m 50 years old, the only younger people I look to as role models are people who are doing something to change the world we are living in -fighting corruption, hate, and climate change. I don’t look to Lea, Darren or Mia as role models .  I enjoy them as entertainers and I think Mia is kick ass but it ends there.   We can all look to Nancy as a role model, but what the hell doe she have to do with Darren and Mia? My celebrity crush on Darren has nothing to do with looking for strong female role models nor does it have anything to do with who he is married to). 

[braveskyered]

Knights (Part 6)

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

A mission and then a family reunion. Fun!

...Right?

Part 6: Working So You Could Like This Rhythm

- - -

Occasionally, Arthur would join Elaine on her ghost investigations.

With his wedding ring being imbibed with various charms and protection spells, along with the moon pin he kept on his jacket, he didn't have to worry about ghosts or demons trying to possess him again, or at least not as easily. He would use his past knowledge from his time with the Mystery Skulls into either planning budgets or crafting machinery meant to capture ghosts, some of which made Elaine's missions much easier, to her delight.

They even came up with a reliable system that allowed them to work together.

“Hold up, Elaine,” Arthur spoke through the headset as he checked one of the three screens, “Can you... see a path nearby on your left?”

“Huh? No, I only see solid wall,” Elaine replied, “I'm moving my hand against the rock right now and WHOA it's an illusion?!”

While Elaine went on the actual investigations, Arthur would remain in their protected van using various equipment to help Elaine trek through the areas much more safely, from forests to caves to even haunted manors. It didn't always work, but most of the time it did, and it allowed the two to perform better than ever as a husband and wife team of paranormal investigators.

Case in point, while most illusions can always fool the human eye, it cannot fool a radar since it won't pick up anything that's not actually there. Elaine would wear a special vest that held the radar in question, which would then send signals to the van for Arthur to read as a map, and then use the data to help Elaine navigate. The radar can even detects ghosts that are invisible, which is pretty convenient.

“I'm picking up small energy readings,” Arthur said as he saw the tiny blips indicating it, “I'm seeing one, two... Ah, five of them? They're probably wisps, but do be careful. We're in uncharted territory at this point.”

“Got it. You're the best, my star!”

Arthur smiled at the loving nickname. Elaine has always been the romantic type, often showering him with affection whenever he entered his gloomy state at times. Sometimes she can be a bit overbearing, but letting her know that is always enough for her to tone it down when needed. He noticed long ago that she never called him “love,” instead using phrases such as “my knight” or “my star” as her way of showing affection. He once asked her why she would use those terms when they were engaged, and her answer was plain and simple.

- - - - - - -

“You always seem uncomfortable whenever I call you 'my love,'” Elaine answered, “You gave me your star pin, and you're like a knight to me. A knight is always there for his lady, no?”

- - - - - - -

They soon married after that, with the kind approval of Vivienne, who later provided them the rings, the wedding small and personal. When they did, Arthur asked Elaine if he could take her name instead of her taking his, because he wanted to move on. She accepted, and he became known to the world as Arthur Knights.

He hoped that the Mystery Skulls will have a harder time finding him that way. He knew at this point that he is running away, but this is all he can do.

While the memories from before the cave are still painful, Arthur is able to recall most of them, some of them fondly when it involved Vivi, Mystery, and even Lewis, without shedding as many tears. His nightmares about the hatred from his former friend turned wraith have faded away for the most part. He still gets them, along with nightmares from the cave where everything went wrong and the loss of his arm, to being dropped off a cliff and barely surviving, but he learned how to manage it. The protection from the moon pin certainly helped.

Years have passed, and Arthur never had anyone from his past show up at his front door. It wasn't enough for him to fully relax, but it is enough for him to walk outside with his family for normal every day activities. He still feared going through crowds alone, but so long as he has his family with him, he knew he will be fine.

One day he will tell Elaine everything, but until he can, he will bear the weight alone.

Taking a deep breath, Arthur focused his attention back on the screen. The readings were still there, and he noticed that the map data the radar is detecting is--!

“Elaine? You might want to stop where you are!”

“Arthur?”

“This cavern is a lot bigger than we were told it would be,” Arthur shuddered, “The radar here is picking up a lot of tunnels. What do you see around you now?”

“I'm seeing...” Elaine trailed off before replying, “Whoa... I'm seeing a lot of railroad tracks going in various directions, and there's a cart that looks really old. Maybe this was the mine from long ago that the mayor told us about? Ugh... It's so cold in here!”

“I can check. For now, though, I highly suggest you go back the way you came. If what we're after is in there, it can catch us unprepared.”

“Okay, I'll come back to you. I need to restock on some provisions, anyway. How's the snow out there?”

“Not too bad. Still falling, but slowly. I'll see you in a bit.”

“Okay. I love you, my star.”

“I love you, too.”

Knowing that Elaine is safe, Arthur went to another screen and started to search on the online web for information about their current location. The Knights were hired to investigate a cave that is said to make people disappear in Sharp, Kentucky. Elaine volunteered to take it as if it were any other investigation. Although Arthur felt some apprehension about it, Elaine told him that she'll be doing the actual investigating, while he acted as support, which is enough to calm him. It took about eight hours to get there with their van, although the delays due to toll roads and the occasional road construction proved to be annoying that may have added an extra half hour or so.

Because of their frequent trips across the country, it's not unheard of for their vehicles or other equipment to break down during the worst of times. Thus, one of the former matriarchs from decades ago went and founded Four of a Kind Queens with her three sisters, hence the name. It was due to her that the family is required to know the business to keep it going, so they can learn the necessary knowledge needed to repair their equipment in case they broke down while they were out on actual hunts, while at the same time allow an alternative source of funding to flow in by doing repair work for a living.

Originally, Four of a Kind Queens used to repair regular machines such as cotton gins or carriages back in the old days. Eventually, Vivienne herself added the “Auto Repair” and included cars among the list of things needed to be maintained, making her the first among the line of actual car mechanics. Arthur had to admit that whoever that former matriarch is, she definitely made good results with her foresight. Not all people considered paranormal investigations to be legitimate careers, so having a second job as a backup is pretty smart.

All Arthur knew about the shop's main founder is that her name is Niniane.

Arthur briefly wondered if the Niniane the family has now is the same one that founded the family business before dropping that absurd idea. She'd have to be at least two hundred years old, while the Niniane that is alive is a distant relative of Elaine's, and from the one time Arthur saw her, she still looked pretty spry for an old woman in her approximate fifties or sixties. Then again, Arthur only saw the current Niniane once at a distance during his private wedding ceremony with Elaine, so he wouldn't know for sure. According to Elaine, Niniane rarely reveals herself, but if Arthur can find a way to talk to her...

Right, his mind's drifting off topic again. Focus, Arthur!

He searched for any clues a little more thoroughly, and soon got a hit. According to an online article written last year, the cave he and Elaine are currently investigating used to be a mine from twenty years ago that was abundant with iron with occasional pockets of tin. However, due to a large cave in, many of the miners had lost their lives, and the place was then closed off due to the safety hazard.

It corroborated with the story their client had told them. The client mentioned that whatever is causing the disappearances could either be the ghosts of the miners that died there, accidents due to people bypassing the warning signs, or something else entirely. The two were asked to not only find out what is causing the disappearances, but also see if they can find the ones who went missing to give the families closure.

“Oh, crud...!”

His attention back on the intercom, he noticed that the tone of Elaine's voice didn't sound good.

“Arthur, lock the door! Quickly!”

Arthur immediately locked the rear door to the van, and not soon after Elaine phased through like a ghost through a wall, causing whatever was chasing her to slam against the van.

“What the--?!” he was cut off by a hand slapped over his mouth.

“Be quiet!” Elaine hissed before looking around cautiously.

The two didn't make a sound, but Arthur could hear the sounds of something growling, and his heart skipped a beat when he heard a screech of pain. Whatever it is, it's clearly not human. Soon, it was silent again.

“Yay for protection wards,” Elaine relaxed and turned to Arthur, “Hey, sorry I had to phase through like that. I know you typically don't like it when I do that, but I didn't want to risk your safety.”

His eye twitched, “N-No, I appreciate it, but what the hell was that thing?” He trust his arms towards the door to indicate it while looking at her.

“Well, uh, I'm pretty sure it's the cause of all those people going missing,” Elaine answered with a grimace, “If it is, then it's safe to say that all of them are dead. Or, well, to put it more accurately, they were probably eaten.”

His arms still up, Arthur gave Elaine a flat look, “What.”

“Ever heard of the wendigo?” Elaine asked just as flatly.

Well, there went any chances of this investigation going smoothly.

- - - - - - -

Two days later, the job was completed, the wendigo has been eliminated, and the families of all the people that were killed received closure. Elaine received the payment for the job, along with some reward money from finding the remains of all the victims. Once the remaining paperwork was handled, Elaine and Arthur went back home in Cantabile.

It was good timing, too, since the Knights family is having a family reunion at Niniane's residence located in the outskirts of Cantabile. The place is a somewhat small and modest manor with a large field, a perfect location for occasions such as picnics and barbecues with extended family members.

“And anyways that's the second time I almost died in Kentucky,” Arthur finished nonchalantly. To his surprise, he is slowly being inoculated to the various paranormal now.

He's not sure if that's a good thing or not.

“How did such a monster get all the way down there in the first place? I thought they were native in Canada, or at least in Great Lakes region? The Native Americans that speak the Algonquian tongue ought to keep track of them.”

“Well, Elaine did say that the States has been having a record low temperature on the cold seasons,” Arthur, currently sitting on a picnic table, shrugged after taking a bite out of his fish hoagie, “She thinks it just wanted to explore new territory and it just happened to get stuck in that cave once the weather warmed up enough.”

Currently, Arthur is talking to Miles, Morgan's husband, who decided to join him for lunch while Elaine and Morgan were chatting away about something else while helping Gwen and Percy with their food. The man is dressed in a gray formal suit with a black shirt and white tie, fitting his position as a lawyer. His brown hair is slicked back, which did nothing to hide the gray hairs forming on the sides.

Miles mulled over the thought, then shrugged again, “I hope she's right on that,” he shook his head and decided to change the subject, “So, Gwen and Percy. They're about... five now, right?”

Arthur grinned, “Yup, they turned five last October. They started primary school this year, too. A bit later than we would have liked, but that's what happens to those born after August.”

As the twins grew, Arthur started seeing their personalities shine and develop.

Gwen is a quiet girl, often hiding behind her parents or large objects when meeting new people. She can talk in simple sentences, often struggling to speak any words longer than two syllables, yet she still tries. She usually prefers to play with blocks over dolls or watch Arthur check on the van's engine. She loved the color gray, saying it reminded her of pencils, which did boggle Arthur and Elaine's minds for a while before setting it aside as child's logic. In short, Gwen a quiet girl that takes after her father in terms of personality. Her favorite possession is the toy tool kit that was gifted to her on her recent birthday. Arthur mused that she might be a great mechanic like him or her mother when she gets older.

Percy, on the other hand, is a somewhat active boy. He's the child that treats every new thing as an adventure to explore, wanting to learn his new surroundings with gusto. He would often pick up random things off the ground and collect them in a box, which can range anywhere from bottle caps to animal skulls and one time a live snake (Arthur nearly fainted at that one until Elaine told him that it wasn't poisonous after she released it back outside). He is also an occasional prankster, but the most he's done is basically move things around, or ripping off the labels off of food cans, the last of which later caused Arthur's new habit of writing down the contents of the cans on the lids.

Some time later, after Miles left, Arthur looked at the many people that make up Elaine's side of the family.

There is Elaine herself, now talking to her mother, Caelia. Arthur recalled that Caelia is Morgan's younger sister by three years, and probably the next matriarch once Vivienne vacates her position. The older woman has black hair that she keeps as a braided bun, is around the same height as Elaine. The older woman clearly knew how to take care of herself, as her thin frame can attest to.

Arthur felt that he seriously underestimated the actual size of the Knights family. He isn't sure of the exact number, but there had to be at least forty people, most of them being adults, and more than half of them were women. In fact, Arthur noticed that all the men that were even in this reunion were either husbands or boyfriends. There were children, but outside Gwen and Percy, Arthur only managed to count about eight of them when he saw the children in question at a table nearby.

He isn't sure what to think when he learned that out of all the parents, he and Elaine are the only ones to have a son. Then again, Percy's mere existence alone was definitely a shock to the Knights family.

According to Elaine, to Arthur's bemusement, all of the women in the Knights family for the past ten known generations only ever had daughters, which is the main reason why the family of monster hunters is ruled by a “queen,” so to speak. When it was discovered that Elaine would be having twins, it was genuinely thought that she would only be having twin girls, even by Elaine herself. Even though Arthur noted that the sex of the younger twin wasn't discovered during the ultrasound, no one in the family questioned it since they sincerely believed their theory.

Needless to say, Percy, with his birth, threw that logic out the window without even realizing it.

Because the family title of matriarch is only passed down from daughter to daughter, no one in the family is sure on what Percy's standing is. Eventually, after a few days of contemplating this, Vivienne decided to just play it by ear for now. The only major action she decreed is that Percy is not to be treated any differently from any other child, which essentially forbade the extended family from trying to use Percy as some sort of leverage.

While Elaine is still amazed that she managed to have a son, Arthur once joked to her that the same applied to his side of the family, in that his family only had sons. Well, Arthur isn't entirely sure that's accurate. After leaving his parents and their nasty divorce to live with Lance, he never bothered trying to know his family ancestry. It just never crossed his mind. In the end, to him, he's just happy to have a family.

“Dad?”

Arthur looked to his right and saw Gwen and Percy stand before him, the former looking frustrated and the latter looked a little down. Looking at the two, Arthur noted that the boy looked almost exactly like he did when he was his age, only in that the child has blue eyes and the white lock of hair. Percy's hair isn't as spiky as Arthur's yet, but that will probably change as he gets older. On Gwen's end, she still resembled Elaine in an uncanny fashion, except that she does not have a white lock of hair, while having Arthur's amber eye color.

“Can I, can I...” Percy, looking timid, looked up at his father, “C-Can I sit with you?”

Arthur smiled, “Of course,” he held out his arms in a welcoming gesture and allowed his son and daughter to climb up on the picnic table's chair. Once the two were comfortable, Arthur wrapped his arms around their shoulders. Gwen on his left, Percy on his right, as it always is, “What brings you two here?”

“They said that boys aren't allow-allowed over there,” Gwen grouched, which is rather unlike her, “Girl talk only. They said Daddy is-is not cool. We-We-We... We are Knights, too!”

Wait, how old are these kids? Was this from school? Wait, was this from their cousins? If Arthur remembered right, wasn't the oldest child in their generation at least thirteen? What the heck are they talking about? Or more importantly, who the heck taught Gwen and Percy to think like that???

He rose a rather disapproving brow at the table that held the eight girls, and noticed that some of the older children were actually staring at him before turning away to hide the fact. Arthur let out a breath of annoyance. Did those girls seriously think he will confront them about this? He decided to just talk to Elaine about it later tonight in hopes of preventing a future occurrence. Unlike him, she knows how to talk with her relatives.

Percy leaned against Arthur's right side, gripping at the latter's shirt, tears beginning to leak, “Dad is... cool. Dad is... Dad.”

At the same time, Gwen leaned against his left side, not saying a word, probably too annoyed to do so.

Arthur has his hands on each of their shoulders in an attempt to comfort them. He knew that he isn't the ideal father, but he still strives to do the best he can be. He isn't sure what to do, but eventually a thought came to him. Adjusting his arms somewhat, Arthur gently held his children closer to himself, and started to slowly hum the lullaby he used ever since they were newborns. He tried not to shed any tears or have his voice crack whenever he does this now. The twins are old enough to know what being sad means, and young children are known to easily sense a person's feelings. To Arthur, these two do not deserve to feel his suffering.

By keeping his anguish concealed, it also meant that even though he's struggled to move on, a part of him still didn't want to let the past go.

This time I might just disappear...

Whoa-o-o-oh

This time I might just dis-

Yet his heart would write in pain every time he hummed this song.

Oh mo mo mo mo

Oh mo mo mo mo (Oh yeah)

Oh mo mo mo mo oh

But if it meant that these two would be given comfort...

This time I might just disappear...

Whoa-o-o-oh

This time I might just dis-

Then the painful memories of him being left behind, nearly being killed, or being hated by the Mystery Skulls, made it worth it.

Oh mo mo mo mo

Oh mo mo mo mo (Oh yeah)

Oh mo mo mo mo oh

To his relief, Gwen and Percy gradually relaxed. Gwen no longer looked annoyed, while Percy no longer looked upset. They just leaned against their father, content.

“Thank you, Daddy.”

Arthur did shed a single tear, but he was able to play it off by yawning. Taking a moment to rub the tear away, Arthur continued to hold his two reasons of living. Along with Elaine, these two are his family. Even though he can't go back, he has this family to live for now. He will be forever grateful to the Knights, or more specifically to Vivienne and Elaine, for letting him have this.

But if there is one thing that's unnerving about being in this family as a whole...

“Isn't he...?”

“Yeah, he's Elaine's husband. This is actually my first time seeing him since their wedding.”

“So where do you think he came from?”

...would be the words he would hear the extended family speak occasionally. The women are definitely chatterboxes at times.

“Beats me. From what I hear, he doesn't like talking about his past that much.”

“Guys? We should be respecting his privacy. Who cares where he came from? If Mama Vivienne approved of him as Elaine's husband, then I've no reason to doubt him. Don't assume things.”

Well... at least someone among them is fine with him? Or maybe that woman just didn't care, he did a subtle glance and saw that it's Elaine's cousin, Eleanor. He's spoken to her before, but not as often as he does with her mother, Morgan. Eleanor travels a lot since her husband Nicholas has to move frequently due to his job, if Arthur remembered correctly.

“But as far as we know, he's a nobody!”

“Hey, watch your tone. So what if he is? He's still family. Besides, from what I've seen of him, he's been a pretty good husband and father so far. I mean, look, he's with his kids right now. If that doesn't prove he's a good person, I don't know what will. Again, Mama Vivienne approved of him, and even Nana Niniane has given us good word, so keep any distasteful thoughts to yourself.”

Still, Arthur made it a point to not interact with the extended family unless it's absolutely necessary. It's not that he doesn't like them, far from it, but it's primarily because he doesn't want to risk invoking their wrath. Unless what Elaine told him was wrong, almost all of the women except for Morgan are capable of changing their shape into monstrous forms to fight monsters when the situation calls for it.

“Seriously? Just because he managed to sire a son doesn't mean it makes him special.”

Well, that, and Arthur had actually seen them squabble in those forms a few times in the past. That one time where one woman turned into a Jorogumo while another became a Nure-onna and fought one another was a rather frightening experience. It took Elaine turning into a Gashadokuro and smacking them down to stop them, while loudly declaring that she is not sharing her husband, did she successfully get her distant cousins to actually stop fighting. That happened shortly after the twins were born.

“Oh my god, Melia, are you seriously trying to pick a fight? Look, we get it, you don't like him because he and Elaine have a son while you and Tad don't. I'm pretty sure you're not the only one who's envious. At least you have the grace to love your daughters.”

Arthur winced upon hearing that. Checking on the twins, he saw that the two were actually asleep. He hoped that the two weren't hearing what their relatives were saying. While he is sure that the few family members that do dislike him wouldn't be petty enough to want to hurt him under normal circumstances, but after having a wraith try to kill him for something he didn't do, he didn't want to risk it.

...He is well aware that he is still somewhat afraid of the Knights even after learning their family secret. He knew that Elaine and her immediate family wouldn't hurt him, but he isn't so sure with the extended relatives outside her grandmother and aunt.

He really didn't want to be here now. He wished that Elaine would finish talking with Morgan and return soon, so that they can all go home and get away from this reunion and not expose Gwen and Percy to the envy and--

“What...?”

Arthur saw from the corner of his eye in a distance that resembled something white with multiple tails sitting next to a large tree. When he turned to actually look, the sight didn't change.

Mystery is over there.

In his kitsune form.

Why isn't anyone in the family reacting to his presence when he is so close?!

He loosened his hold on Gwen and Percy and started to breath heavily, rather quickly at that. The sight of Mystery is...!

How did he find him?!

“Daddy? Daddy, are you okay?”

Arthur could barely register Gwen talking. His heart rate gradually increased, his hands were shaking. He gripped at his left wrist. He didn't notice Percy tugging at his sleeve.

“Dad? What's wrong?”

He saw Mystery stand, and the kitsune slowly opened its mouth, the yellow glint never leaving its face.

The last thing Arthur heard is his name being called out frantically.

* - * - * - * - *

Notes: I'm not freaking out.

Arthur doesn’t really interact with Elaine’s far extended family during the reunions, so he doesn’t know much about them.

The wendigo actually originates from a religious belief from folklore of the Algonquian language. The Native Americans that speak it are primarily in certain parts of Canada and probably around the Great Lakes region, too. While the beliefs vary between the communities, the wendigo is said to be an entity with a never ending hunger for human flesh. Although I have read somewhere that they're also said to be a symbol of the dangers of one's selfishness, and maybe something about how the people can't practice their own religion or something among those lines, I'm not a hundred percent sure. So while the exact facts of the wendigo are not 100% consistent between various sources, what is consistent about them is essentially this: winter, monster, famine, greed, and cannibalism.

On another note, there seems to be two types of wendigo, one where it looks like a vague definition of a human, or one would have the skull of a stag (which is said to be a modern depiction). In the case for this chapter, the former is used. The wendigo from the survival horror game Until Dawn can give you a general idea on what they look like.

Like with Tempo and Cantabile, Sharp is also a music term. Coincidentally, there really is a place called Sharpe, spelled with the letter E, in Kentucky. I just chose Kentucky primarily so I can use an incorrect Mystery Skulls quote.

As for Arthur's parents being divorced, it's from a post that Artsy from the Ghost Crew made. It's stated not to be canon since Artsy said it's a personal headcanon of hers, but it's the closet I could get. Regardless, it's pretty much accepted in the fandom that Arthur was better off with Lance.

...

...Do you think he still is?

Part 7: How Lucky...?

[cb-143]

Dating Day6

♥ Wonpil ♥

First Meeting

You decided to fly out to LA with a couple friends for your holidays

the flight was really long and tiring, and everything just seemed to get worse once you arrived

The airline had lost your luggage  & when you came to the hotel, you first got help at the front desk, asking where you could get some cheap clothes, tooth-brush, etc.

After buying anything you needed, you just wanted to shower and try to calm down somewhat, so back to the hotel you went

turns out your friends had used up all the fresh towels.. so, things were clearly going even better

you went back to the front desk to ask for towels

guess what? They didn't have any.

You were about to give up when a strange man approached you

He had heard your story ealier and felt incredibly bad for you

now he's met you again, and he took his own towels with him anyway, so as you two met in the hotel's lobby once more, he offered you his towels

he takes you to his room to hand you the towels, that's where you meet his friends

he tells you they're in a band together, but you don't stay there long enough to find out all that much

you just want to shower and then head off to bed

the next morning you and your friends  are having breakfast at the hotel

and you see him again.

He sits by the table next to you, and so you start talking again

you find out more this time, learning that his name's Wonpil, what kind of music he makes, that he's on tour,

but most importantly, you find out his phone number

Confession

After you met in the US, you didn't see each other all that much anymore

He lives in Korea, and you live in [your country name(if you're not Korean.. if you are.. just play along?? fshdkjhs)]

you did frequently skype though

Wonpil loves to call you, wants to talk to you all the time, whether it's through Skype/Discord, text Messages, or even snaps

He thinks about you a lot and can barely put his phone down when you're both awake and online at the same time

He would've prefered to confess to you in person, but somehow he never got the chance, so he confessed to you through skype – at least that way, he'd be able to see your face

You were both a little worried; long distance relationships and all..

but you could see how badly Wonpil wanted this

and you had fallen for him too – so of course you wanted to be with him just as bad

Dates

The distance and Time differences make everything a little difficult

Wonpil would love to take you on dates all the time, but you hardly ever find the time

But that only makes it more special when you two do get to meet up and go on dates

When you visit him in Korea, he will go sightseeing with you, show you everything from his culture

if he visits you, you'll do the same for him

No matter where you are, he loves to go on walks (along the beach) with you, whether its daytime or dark outside

he loves the freedom of walking around, having you actually by his side, and just talking away

it's very peaceful to him

but he will go all out then too~

will buy y'all food, surprise you with flowers or little gifts here and there (a new suitcase lmao)

also likes to stay inside with you, watch a movie, play a game, have you help him with his english, etc..

will cook for you/order food and cuddle with you

Spending Time Together

imma just continue that from before hsfdjs

yeah, you'll often stay inside to just chill, eat some food, talk about nonsense

He likes to appreciate the rare moments when you can be with him in person

loves to be affectionate too during those times (will describe more in the next section)

when you're both in your own countries, he loves to still talk to you

he'll also do that where he just calls you and you both do your own things in silence, no talking

sometimes he falls asleep, or both of you, but waking up with one another is always the highlight of your morning c':

loves to take you along to practice/other really cool 'celeb' moments you wouldn't get to see otherwise, just by face-timing or sth

loves to play the piano for you, sing for you

gets shy sometimes c:

VERY interested in how your day was/what's on your mind

he could just listen to you talk about anything the entire day, because he cares sooo much, and because he loves to hear your voice

Loves to get your opinion on things he buys/makes as well

basically y'all would be living together through your phones ♥

Romance

he will always be super affectionate with you when you finally get to be together

loves to have your fingers intertwined, no matter if you're just chilling and watching a movie, or if he's playing a game – and it'll make him fail – or things beyond that

sometimes it annoys him a bit, but Wonpil knows that he doesn't get to interact with you like this often, so he wants to touch you as much as possible

Lots of hugs

backhugs!!!

cuddling

when y'all are around the others, he will still have his arm around your waist/on your back

hold him, and he will start crying

anytime you're close like this, he will remember and think about that you'll have to leave eventually, that he won't get to be close to you like this, and hear your heart beat right under his ear

he will do a lot of little, romantic things for you, but he likes it if you treat him, if you hold and cuddle him

will either sass you or be your little babyboy c':

seriously though, just put your arm around him, backhug him, do all those things, and he will be yours

lowkey likes it when you tickle him

loves tickle fights with you

very conflicted between feeling embarrassed to serenade you and just serenading you as an act to show you his love

don't even ask him to do it, he'll be so smug, but also so touched

it rlly depends on your role in the relationship

if you take charge, he will tease you a little for it, but will try his best for you!!

if he's in charge, he will still tease you hsdkgdj but he'll be more shy/cute about it

gives you little presents

loves any little gifts you bring/buy him

no matter what it is

he'll keep it

he'll keep them all very close to him when he's that far away from you again

'I love You'

It's just like you that terrible things always happen twice

you're on your first ever holidays together (you meet up in another country somewhere)

and the airline loses your luggage??

deja vu, huh?

You're freaking out, meanwhile Wonpil talks to people @ the airport & the hotel about how they could get it back/if they have some items you'd urgently need.

He comes back to you even more cluelessly than before, and as he walks towards you, he notices how stressed you look, what a mess your hair is (a bad mess, not like the usual way it's always like)

your eyes look tired, and you can't even bring up a fake smile for him

and he just feels his heart being squeezed so tightly in his chest

not only because he feels bad for you, or because there's nothing he can do about this

but also because it's in that moment that he realises just how much he loves you

he's pondered about his true feelings for a while, but he's already asked you out over the internet, he at least wanted to confess to you in person

so he had to wait for the right moment

and he felt like this was it

He stopped in front of you

and you asked him how his discussion with the staff went, if he could arrange something, anything

and he just replies with "I love you, it's gonna be okay." and hugs you

and you start crying in his arms, right there, just glad that – even if you don't have your luggage – you have him

Introducing you to Day6/Family

He's always in front of his phone/computer since y'all started talking

the members didn't think that anything was up at first

but his parents noticed it immediately, the way he smiled whenever he talked to you

"So, who's this girl/guy you're talking to?" they'd just ask him

and he'd deny it at first, rolling his eyes even

parents always assume such things, don't they?

Of course, it was true this time, but he'd rather introduce you in person

his parents insist, though, and he ends up telling them all about you, how you met at the hotel, how defeated you had sounded talking to the people at the hotel

his parents are happy for him, despite it being a LDR

they're just as eager as he is to see and meet you in person

his members saw you already at the hotel, but again, didn't really think anything of it

it's when you're constantly talking to him, when they know that you're not just an ordinary friend

but it's of no use asking wonpil about this

they wait until he opens up about it (more like until you demand to talk to them as he calls you)

Going Public

You looked more into his band after you get back from that first ever trip where you meet

Discovering how big his fanbase is, you decide to wait with going public – you know what that could mean for his career, and you're really not up for receiving so much hate!

Wonpil asks you a few months into the relationship

neither of you brought it up before?

He is fine with waiting too

you don't go public until you propose to him

a picture will be published of you two kissing (the ring on full display!!) and a message written by him

A few fans react as you expected them to, but the normal, human part of the fandom is very happy for you two

you receive many congratulations

you also receive many comments and questions about when you will adopt some animals/when children will join your family c: ♥

[twiststreet]

Adam McKay and Adam Curtis talking about Vice (2018)...

On the last legs of recovering from that cold I got before Christmas-- that one took a while-- but I'd really wanted to see this so I decided to go cough on some moviegoers, like that one guy with the Superflu in The Stand.  I guess it’s unusual, wanting to see this-- I don’t know anyone who wanted to see this movie, even a little, which is weird to me because besides Anchorman 2, I really think all the Adam McKay movies have been pretty good to great. But biopics are a pretty stuffy genre, and it’s a biopic of an especially noxious human being so I kinda get it...  

I mean, the response hasn’t been entirely enthusiastic but then if you dig into it, it’s like here’s Fred Kaplan panning it at Slate, and here’s Fred Kaplan at Slate writing “How did I get Iraq Wrong?  I trusted Colin Powell!”  You know: how does that guy still have a job giving his opinions to a fucking child let alone grown ups, after getting that wrong???  The writing was on the wall about who those fucking maniacs were well before 2003; anyone who couldn’t see who they were was and continues to be a fucking moron-- I try not to care about the opinions of morons (except when they’re calling me names at which point I pretend like “maybe they have a point?” for a couple of hours, and then get bored and go back to doing stupid shit on the internet, because that’s how I’m all wired up).  

That being said, the movie’s kind of a mess.  It’s got a lot of stuff going on-- at the beginning I was like “oh this is a great movie” but there’s stretches once Cheney becomes Vice President that are frustrating, both film-ically (the pacing’s weird) and just ideologically because... I mean, if anything, the movie understates how fucking awful he was.  And how awful those people were.  

The most notable omission is the Project for the New American Century.  And it’s kind of an interesting dilemma which... the movie mocks the idea that these guys had any ideology.  Except the neocons had an ideology-- just an incredibly grotesque and shitty one.  And in ignoring that, you know, it kinda lets people off the hook, post-Trump liberal darlings like Bill Kristol and David Frum, that the fucking dumbest centrist liberals online are like “well, they’re on our side now” about, absolutely horrifying morally wretched people whose careers have been revitalized by short-term thinking Democrats.  But that said-- with these kinds of people, do they actually believe their ideology or is that something they pay someone to craft after the fact to justify the shit they were going to do anyways?  I think that’s more likely true, at which point the Project for the New American Century becomes at best a distraction for a movie narrative.  I think they decided what they were going to do and then decided why, because that’s who they were and that’s the nature of that kind of power. I don’t know... How do you write a movie about all those fucking psychopaths??? They did so much and they were so horrible...

That said, I think their underlying “only American lives” matter and approach to geopolitics as being about ensuring American dominance and all that, that doesn’t come through in the movie-- there was an interview on the Daily Show even of Lynne Chaney where she just flatly states that philosophy to Jon Stewart where I remember seeing Stewart completely flustered by it and just moving on.  (Or maybe he just got distracted thinking about how he was covering up Louis CK’s perversions, I don’t know.)  Or just... the level of the kleptocracy, and how much the rest of society feeds into that kleptocracy-- there’s a greater and more massive corruption that kind of exists everywhere that I don’t know any movie can really capture.  Everything’s for sale-- how do you make a movie about that?

If anything, the movie even kind of understates how much they cooked the books on the intelligence-- they don’t mention the Downing Street Memo, say.  Or they give Cheney this insane monologue at the very end trying to justify what he’s done, that ... they try to undercut with the title cards (and the entire rest of the movie!) but is still... I didn’t want to hear even that much from the guy!  And I know there are some ... There are some things that people feel like it implies where it could be clearer-- I saw a couple reviewers talking about how they thought the movie was saying Cheney wanted to go into Iraq because of focus groups, which I don’t think the movie was saying at all even a little, but ... 

There’s that story about Tom Cruise where he’s making the movie about the plot to assassinate Hitler, and McQuarrie goes “The audience knows Hitler doesn’t get killed” and Cruise just shakes his head after having done a million movies and says something like “You won’t believe how little an audience knows once they start watching a movie.”  And the scoring proved he was right! Though Vice does wild things structurally and I think it doesn’t lose the audience either (though I don’t know that it justifies those things)... Like, the movie tries to make points about climate change (one very dumb point about how “global warming” is a scarier word, which is stupid because climate change is the better descriptor) but you kind of have to just know that’s what it was talking about in those bits, and I’m not sure ... I just don’t think people really understand the scale of that emergency, or else the degree of mass panic would be much higher, so the movie kind of being allusive about it feels insufficient...

Like on an elemental storytelling level, it’s all over the map.  It does some stuff that plays great, and other stuff that ... is almost embarrassingly hokey.  (The foot-tapping cut-- yikes).  The performances are pretty fun-- Bale nails that weird creepy fucking half-grin Cheney does, and Steve Carrell is actually weirdly way better as a Donald Rumsfeld character than I’d have guessed. (He makes Rumsfeld too likable). But you’re never not like “hey it’s Steve Carrell star of the Office” or “look how fat Bale got” either so.  Amy Adams made Lynne Cheney hot to me which I’m very disturbed by.  And god bless it for the fucking number it does on that piece of shit Liz Cheney-- it really just murders her total lack of character, which is *glorious*.  It’s just hard to watch some of it because... 

It was a long 8 years. And to hear people now suggest that the current Administration is somehow worse than those fucking psychopaths... maybe I just don’t read the papers anymore, but I find that very strange even though the current bunch’s evil is so much more cartoonish in so many respects. McKay’s talked about this, that it’s the difference between like... a maniac running through a mall with an ax, versus a serial killer that quietly stalks people, murders them while wearing rubber gloves and then whispers off into the darkness.  Either way’s not great, but the former’s kinda preferable, in any kind of long-term view.  

Anyways, then Obama let everyone off the hook.  

There’s a scene of assholes parroting the Bush administration’s Iraq propaganda, and they show Hillary Clinton saying stupid shit about Iraq. I’m not sure if anyone else in the theater was laughing uncontrollably at that, because I couldn’t hear them over me, laughing uncontrollably, just that the movie made sure not to let her slide (or the more insufferable part of the audience feeling smug about how they hate the Repubs while still supporting a chunky mass of decrepit people).  Useless fucking people not only forgave her for that and spent day after day lecturing young people or people with functioning human memories for being unenthusiastic about her -- they’re about to do it again.  Debates start in June-- how long after that before you see some fucking moron on the internet going “Please, young people, I beg you-- now’s not the time to care about whether the Democratic party has any policies that will actually motivate people to go vote for it in an election!  I beg you!!!”? And then everyone will spread that around like that person was saying something profound instead of just being another believe-nothing engaging in routine left-punching, in order to make heroic the fact they’re rooting for some paper-thin opportunist to just put a kinder face to an oligarchy-on-a-suicide-run.  So... I don’t know... I don’t really read the papers anymore though so I’m not that smart about any of this stuff either...

Basically, there was a lot to react to on that one.  

[uk-news-talking-politics]

A government of Chris Graylings

By Ian Dunt

It's like a merry-go-round of ministerial defects. It's genuinely difficult to finishing reading the details of one government screw-up before they've done the next one.

During the Blair era, government figures were forced to resign if a row lasted a set number of days on the front pages. That now seems laughably old-fashioned. If you go into the kitchen to make a sandwich, there is a good chance that two Blair-era resignation-level offences will have been committed by the time you come back. Everything is much faster nowadays: Music, cars, political incompetence.

This week, Northern Ireland secretary Karen Bradley - who admitted when she took the job that she "didn’t understand things like when elections are fought people who are nationalists don't vote for unionist parties" - said that killings by soldiers during the Troubles were "not crimes".

On a basic moral level, it was obscene. Soldiers are not exempt from criminal behaviour by virtue of wearing a uniform. To claim otherwise is to give them carte blanche to behave in any way they like, no matter how murderous. To think they should be exempt is bad enough. But for a minister to actually say it sends a clear message to soldiers that powerful figures will work to protect them regardless of what they do.

On a political level, it was unforgivable. It inflamed tensions in Northern Ireland, in a week which already saw suspected terrorist activity from dissident Republican groups. It suggested the secretary of state was incapable of coming to impartial judgements on the delicate issues her department is supposed to preside over.

That's even more damning than it would otherwise be, given the Northern Irish Assembly is not functioning during a period in which a Unionist party is propping up the Westminster government. That type of scenario requires a very careful set of hands. Instead, we have a moron.

It also seemed to pre-empt the announcement next week by the Northern Ireland Public Prosecution Service into whether any members of the security services would be prosecuted for the events of Bloody Sunday. If there are no prosecutions. her comments will help create a sense of establishment cover-up outrage.

But even if you could dismiss all of that, it was profoundly unhelpful on a general strategic level. Britain is currently embroiled in Brexit negotiations which, you may or may not have noticed, are not going very well. The key issue relates to Ireland. The Republic has a veto on almost every aspect of this process. And this was what the Northern Irish secretary had to contribute. If she had sat down and tried to formulate the least useful combination of words for our current predicament she could not have been any more effective.

Not that those Brexit talks were going particularly well anyway. Geoffrey Cox - the boom-voiced attorney general tasked with securing changes to the backstop and then also simultaneously assessing their legal status - was in Brussels this week in a desperate bid to secure something before next week's vote. He insisted that the backstop breached the European Convention on Human Rights.

Diplomats looked on in astonishment. After all, the backstop was a British idea. It was the UK which had demanded an open border in Ireland as a red line, and then sought, for nearly a year, to expand it to the whole of the UK. And now it had turned around and claimed that its own policy was to breach human rights. It was so desperate and tawdry and self-interested that it did nothing to convince the Europeans to help him and quite a bit to discourage them from ever wanting to do so in future.

By the time he returned to the UK, Cox was Brian-Blesseding his way through a Commons statement when he cannily decided to start elaborating on why "'Cox's Codpiece' was in full working order". Much mirth and lots of chuckling news reports ensued. But he knew what he was doing. It was a dead codpiece strategy. Because away from the mock-hilarity was the stark failure of his negotiating tactic. All was in tatters. He had reportedly cancelled his trip to Brussels for the end of the week. Even plans for the prime minister to go on Sunday seem to have been shelved. The whole sorry spectacle of renegotiation is ending without anything to show for it.

And there was more. The ministerial failings simply would not stop. Work and pensions secretary Amber Rudd was forced to apologise for calling Labour’s Diane Abbott "coloured". Commons Leader Andrea Leadsom said worries about Islamophobia should be addressed to the Foreign Office. Liam Fox spent £1.9 million on an 'Exporting is Great' online campaign, which included £107,000 for a podcast no-one listened to.

Back in the day, any one of these events would have ended a ministerial career. But now, no-one one ever has to resign, because there is no authority in Downing Street. May cannot really prise anyone out of their job because they would just become another malcontent on the backbenches, on either the Brexit or Remain side.

But in reality the poison runs deeper than that. These errors do not lead to resignations because honour has stopped playing a functional role in the way Britain does politics. Even a terrible prime minister like David Cameron resigned, just a few years ago, when the referendum campaign he was in charge of failed. But May struggles on regardless, as if it were a sign of strength rather than political sociopathy.

She lost a majority in an election she chose to call. No resignation. Her government was found in contempt of parliament. No resignation. She was handed the most overwhelming defeat in British political history over a deal she used the full bandwidth of government to secure. No resignation.

The shame is gone. And that permeates all the way down the system, from the ceaseless lies told by MPs to the limitless cash ministers waste on pet projects. Organisations take on the character of those at the top. We have Theresa May, so shamelessness, ignorance and inadequacy have now tricked down to every part of the governing structure.

This is basically an entire administration made out of Chris Graylings. It's like that bit in Being John Malkovich where Malkovich himself goes down the tunnel and everyone is him and all they can say is his name. Except that it's Grayling, and he's in every government department, at every level, ignoring advice, making disastrous errors of judgement, acting with a grotesque combination of naivety and malice, and never facing any consequences for it, no matter how many ruined policy portfolios or wasted taxpayer banknotes or broken lives he leaves scattered in his wake.

That's where we are. That's what this week was like. And honestly? It was one of the better ones.

[redditnosleep]

Has Anyone Heard of The Left/Right Game?

by NeonTempo

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 | Part 9 | Part 10 (Final)

A few points before we start.

Firstly, I am not the protagonist of this story. I just went to university with her, and though she went on to become a professional writer, I most certainly did not. She'll be taking over from me further down but, until then, please forgive my slightly awkward delivery while I give you guys the necessary context.

Secondly, I don't know what you will make of the following events, and I'm sure many of you might consider it all some sort of hoax. I wasn't present for any of what transpired in Phoenix, Arizona but I can vouch for the person who wrote the following logs. She is not, and has never been, a fantasist.

Ok so I once knew a girl called Alice Sharma. She was an undergrad at Edinburgh Uni the same time I was. My educational poison was History, a degree which has greatly benefited my career as a bicycle repairman. Alice Sharma studied journalism, though perhaps "studied" isn't the word. It's not an exaggeration to say that she lived and breathed the subject. Editor-in-chief of the campus paper, recognisable voice of student radio. She was frustratingly tunnel visioned, and she was a journalist in her own right before anyone gave her a professional shot.

We met in student halls and became friends almost immediately. A meandering waster trying to stay off his parent's farm and an intrepid, ambitious reporter may not seem the most obvious pairing, but I learned not to question it. She was inspiring, and smart and she proofread all my essays. I’m not too sure what she saw in me.

We were eventually flatmates down in London where she chased her dream and I chased my tail. She got a few jobs here and there, but nothing befitting of her skills. After months of fruitless internships and rejections, Alice called a flat meeting, telling us that she was moving to America, accepting a position chasing stories for National Public Radio. The job had come out of the blue, the result of a hail mary application she thought had been dismissed out of hand. We threw her a bittersweet going away party and put the room up for rent.

That party was the last time I saw Alice Sharma. She dropped out of contact a few months after her departure. Complete radio silence. I assumed she was just busy so I carried on with my small but happy life, and waited for her to pop up on television with some important words below her name; Chief Correspondent, Senior Analyst… something like that.

The radio silence was broken last week, and, for reasons you’ll glean further down, I’m less happy about it than I would’ve thought.

Arriving home from work I found a lone email in my otherwise bare inbox. An email that would later be described as "suspicious" by my tech literate friends. Despite being born in the early 1990's I didn't own a computer until uni, and I've missed several important lessons in the world of cyberspace. Lessons like "Don't call it Cyberspace" of course and more importantly, "Don't open emails with no text, no subject and no sender's address."

I realise most of you would have deleted this anonymous, blank email immediately, my friends certainly would have, but beyond my basic ignorance about online safety, something further compelled me to open it. The only thing of substance in the entire message was a zipped folder, labeled:

Left.Right.AS

I don't have to explain what I was hoping those final initials stood for.

Opening the zipped folder I found myself staring at a stack of text files. Each one titled with a date, continuing sequentially from the very earliest file "07-02-2017". (To any Americans in the room this is the 7th of February).

I’ve since read the files a few times, and shown them to some friends. They don't know what to make of it either, but they certainly aren't as concerned as me. They think Alice is just in a creative writing phase and, if I didn't know her, I’d have to agree. But the thing is, I do know her. Alice Sharma only cares about the truth and if that's the case with these files, insane as it may sound, then it’s very possible my friend has documented her own disappearance.

The people who suggested this forum said you discuss strange occurrences etc. If you guys have come across anything to do with the below, or know any of the people involved, then please send any information my way.

Has anyone here heard of the Left/Right Game?

The Left/Right Game [DRAFT 1] 07/02/2017

They say great stories happen to those who can tell them. Robert J. Guthard is an exception to that rule. As I sit at his table, sip his coffee and listen to him recount the past 65 years it sounds like he's reading off a shopping list. Every event, his first job, his second wedding, his third divorce, none of them receive more than one or two sentences. Rob plows through the years, the curt, dispassionate curator of his own personal history. Yet the story itself is so fascinating, so rich with moments and so wildly meandering that it somehow stands on its own merits.

It's a great story, no matter how you tell it.

By the time Rob was 21, he'd gotten married, had a son, worked as a farmer, a mover, a boat engineer, and grown estranged from his spouse... Here's him talking about that.

ROB: Course my wife started to get dissatisfied, I was away a while.

AS: For work?

ROB:Vietnam.

AS: You were in Vietnam? How was that for you?

ROB: I ain't never been back since.

That was everything he had to say concerning his first divorce, and the entire Vietnam war.

Rob had four marriages after that, and even more professions. After the war he worked with a firm of private detectives, got shot at once by the mob, then he became a courier, which is how a poor boy from Alabama got to see the world.

ROB: I been to most of the continents with that job. I been to India. You from India?

AS: My mum and dad are from India yeah.

ROB: See I could tell.

He'd been arrested once in Singapore, after one of his packages had been found to be full of white powder. He spent three days locked up before someone got around to checking the substance. It was chalk.

A friend he made during his brief custody, Hiroji Sato, invited Rob to stay with him in Japan. Just getting over the breakup of his third marriage, Rob took the offer. He stayed in Japan for another 5 years.

ROB: The Japanese are good people. Good manners. But they got all these urban legends and ghost stories that Hiroji was crazy for, spent all his free time chasing them down. Like, you heard of Jorogumo?

AS: I don't think so"

ROB: Well she's this spider lady lives in the Joro Falls round Izu. Meant to be real pretty but real dangerous. Hiroji took us out there to get a picture of her.

AS: Did you ever meet Jorogumo?

ROB Nah she didn't show. None of them did. I didn't believe at all until we went to Aokigahara

Aokigahara, affectionately titled the Suicide Forest. The next stop on Rob's adventure. It's an area of woodland at the base of Mount Fuji, a notorious hotspot for young people looking to take their own lives. Hiroji, Rob's ghost obsessed jailmate turned best friend, took him to Aokigahara to chase "yurei" the ghosts of the forest.

AS: Did you find anything? In Aokigahara?

ROB: Well I ain't gonna ask you to believe me. But I was a PI. Professional cynic. Even I can't deny there was a spirit in those woods.

From that moment on, Rob's sentences start getting longer. A childlike excitement creeps into his voice. I get the distinct feeling we're moving beyond background, beyond Rob Guthard's old life, and towards his new one. The one he wants to talk about. The one that led him to contact the show.

ROB: It walked up to me through the trees. Looked like static you see on a TV screen but it had a human shape almost.

AS: Almost?

ROB: It was missing an arm. It reached out to me but I bolted outta that forest so fast. Hiroji never saw it, holds it against me to this day.

Hiroji had good reason to be annoyed. Rob says that Mr Sato had been going to the forest 2-3 times per year for three decades. To have a rookie come along and claim to have seen a yurei on his first trip? I'd be more than a little cranky.

But Rob didn't stay a rookie for long. In fact, it was in those woods that he discovered his current passion. The supernatural, or more accurately, the documentation and investigation of urban legends. Legends like Bloody Mary, the Jersey Devil, Sasquatch. Rob has looked into them all.

ROB: I figured if one was true then who knows how many others could be.

AS: How many have you proven so far?

ROB: Since Aokigahara? Ain't none of em had any proof to em. Except for one. That's why I called you guys up.

At this point, Rob can’t hope to repress his smile.

The Left/Right game appeared on a paranormal message board in June 2016. Only a few people frequently visited the forum and, of these regulars, only Rob took an interest in the post.

ROB: The whole thing had a level of detail you don't see in other stories.

AS: What details grabbed your interest?

ROB: Logs. High quality pictures. The guy documented everything, said he wasn't gonna play the game anymore. I think he wanted somebody to keep investigating.

AS: And you were that somebody.

ROB: That's right. I set about trying to verify his information right away.

AS: And how did it go?

ROB: Well... It didn't take long to realise the Left/Right Game is the real thing.

The rules of the Left/Right game are simple. Get in your car and take a drive. Take a left, then the next possible road on the right, then the next possible left. Repeat the process ad infinitum, until you wind up somewhere... new. The rules are easy to understand, but Rob says their not so easy to follow.

ROB: There ain't all that many roads where you can turn left and right and left and right and keep going. Most of the time you find yourself at a dead end or needing to turn in the wrong direction. Phoenix is built on a grid system so you can keep going left and right as long as you need to.

AS: Did you move to Phoenix for the Left/Right game?

ROB: That's right.

I try not to seem incredulous. Selling your house in another state, packing up and moving your whole life to Phoenix, Arizona just to play a game you saw on the internet? It seems like insanity. Rob smiles as he reads my expression. I can clearly read his expression too. "You'll see." It says. "Just wait."

I wouldn't have to wait long. Included within the 9 page submission Rob sent our show, was a long list of suggested items the chosen reporter should bring with them. Clothes for three days, a pocket knife, matches, bandages. There were also a set of qualifications the reporter should have. The ability to drive, basic vehicle maintenance and its human equivalent... first aid training. He didn't just want to talk about the Left/Right Game. He wanted to take one of us along.

Rob leaves a short while later to embark on a few errands, "Prepping the Run", as he calls it. He shows me to the guest room and we part ways, on good terms but very much aware of the other's poorly veiled opinions. He knew I saw him as a charming obsessive, chasing after a fairy tale. He saw me as a naive cynic, on the cusp of a new world. All I could think as I heard the front door close is that by tomorrow afternoon, one of us would be right.

More after this.

When I wake up the next morning, Rob is in my room, holding a tray which he'd knocked on the bottom of to rouse me. I don't manage to record the start of our conversation.

ROB: - I got bananas, strawberries, chocolate syrup. We got some more downstairs but I wanted you to wake up to something good. We won't be eatin' this stuff on the road."

Rob has made me waffles. He sets them down on the night stand and talks through the coming day as I eat. I'll admit it feels a little uncomfortable, waking up in a stranger's home to find said stranger already standing over me, but I quickly move past it. I tell myself that he’s an older man, accustomed to living alone in his own house, not usually having to think about boundaries. Anyway, he certainly knows his way around a waffle iron.

ROB: We hit the road at 9. I wanted to give you time to get ready before everyone shows up.

AS: There are other people coming?

ROB: We got a 5 car convoy on the road today. They'll be here in an hour.

This is the first I’ve heard of a convoy, and to be honest I’m surprised. The game is Rob's obsession, and I’m here at his request. The idea that anyone else would have an interest in today's drive is a little perplexing.

Half an hour later, sated, showered and dressed in the "functional clothing" Rob had so painstakingly outlined, I take my pack out to the porch. Rob’s already there, waiting for his associates to show up.

AS: I thought you'd be conducting a few more errands.

ROB: If you ain't prepared by the morning of, you ain't prepared.

AS: Hah ok I guess that's fair. Oh, Rob is the garage locked? The inside door won't budge and I wanted to mic up the car.

ROB: Yeah it's locked up I'll open it for ya.

AS: Thank you.

ROB: In fact it's about time I wheeled her out. Fair warning Ms Sharma, she's a thing of beauty.

To Rob Guthard, beauty took the form of a dark green Jeep Wrangler. Rob climbs in and lets it roll out of the garage, where it dominates every inch of driveway. The car is large; four doors with a roof enclosing the entire compartment. It’s also been modified extensively, yet another example of Rob's dedication to the game.

ROB: What're you thinking?

AS: I think you're two caterpillar treads short of driving a tank.

ROB: Hah yeah I fixed her up good. I put the winch in, heavy duty tires, the light rig on top is LED's. They'll make midnight look like noon but they don't use hardly any power.

AS: Aren't Jeeps open top usually?

ROB: Not all. This is the Unlimited. I like to have a covered car when I head on the road.

I climb in and stow my pack. Rob had removed the back seats to afford more storage space. The place is packed to the brim. Jerry cans of gasoline, barrels of water, rope, snacks and his own neatly packed set of clothes.

I wonder if the rest of our convoy would take the game so seriously.

ROB: We got Apollo coming up in 10 minutes. No one else has given me a time. I sent the schedule weeks ago, this always happens.

AS: His name's Apollo?

ROB: That's his call sign. Apollo Creed I think he said.

AS: Why are you using call signs?

ROB: Did I not tell you? Oh yeah we're gonna use call signs on the road, keep communication clear.

AS: What's your callsign?

ROB: Ferryman.

AS: ... What's my call sign?

ROB: I thought about it. I was thinking London, you're from London right?

AS: I'm from Bristol.

ROB: Bristol? That’s fine I guess.

It’s less than ten minutes before Apollo turns the corner. Rob jumps out of his chair and paces briskly over to the edge of his property, as his first guest pulls up and steps onto the sidewalk.

Apollo vaguely resembles his namesake, dark skinned, tall and noticeably well built, though it’s clear he couldn’t be less of a fighter. This Apollo Creed is all smiles and seems to have a penchant for laughing at his own jokes.

AS: How far have you come?

APOLLO: I've come out of Chicago. Took three days hard driving.

AS: And you know Rob from the forums?

APOLLO: Everybody knows Rob, Rob's the god! Ahaha

Rob walks over to Apollo's car, gesturing him over to talk shop. Rob’s clearly impressed with Apollo's choice of vehicle, a blue Range Rover packed to the ceiling with kit. I was more impressed with Rob himself. Somehow this 65 year old farmer's son had become respected in a vast online community. My dad is Rob’s age and he's just discovered copy and paste.

The rest don't take long to arrive. Two Minnesotan librarians, also around Rob's age, pull up in a grey Ford Focus. They’re brother and sister, and they've shared ghost hunting as a hobby their entire lives. I find it hard to suppress a smile when they meekly introduce themselves as Bonnie and Clyde.

CLYDE: We would have gotten here sooner we had to drop by to get some blankets. Pleasure to meet you ma'am.

AS: Pleasure to meet you too.

CLYDE: Would you be the journalist?

AS: That's right.

CLYDE: You used to write for the town paper didn't you?

He's talking to his sister there, she nods. Clyde is clearly the spokesperson for the pair, yet they both seem incredibly shy. Whether they admire the famous outlaws, or just the name, it's pretty clear they couldn't be more different from the real thing.

Next to show up are Lilith and Eve, English Lit students at New York University and proprietors of the YouTube channel Paranormicon. Unlike Bonnie and Clyde, Lilith and Eve have no issue holding a conversation. As soon as they learn who I am, and what I do for a living, they attempt to conscript me for an expedition to Roswell.

LILITH: We have a friend there, he's been seeing some-

EVE: -He's a seismologist

LILITH: Yeah and he's been recording readings over the years that show subterranean movement. Predictable movement.

EVE: We're going to see him in July, but we could work it around you if you're free.

AS: I'll have to check my schedule

EVE: OK cool let me give you my email...

They quickly hurry off to film an intro for their latest video, featuring a quick interview with Rob, who seems pretty welcoming of the attention.

The last two cars arrive within a few seconds of each other. A lithe, strong willed older lady who goes by Bluejay and a younger man going by the callsign “Ace”. Bluejay has arrived in a grey Ford Explorer. Ace, much to Rob's annoyance, has arrived in a Porsche.

ROB: Did you think that's gonna help on the road? I didn't write that-

ACE: It's my car. What am I meant to do,? It's my car.

ROB: You didn't read my itinerary, you got nothing packed in there.

ACE: I did read it sir OK? Calm down. I have a bag, I won't ask you for anything.

ROB: Well I know that's true.

Ace and Rob were off to a bad start. Ace takes a phone call, and despite my best efforts to get an interview with Bluejay, she doesn't seem interested in talking to a journalist.

With five cars, and seven travellers waiting for a green light, Rob hands out radios and charging packs, then launches into a quick safety briefing. Wear seatbelts. Stay in position. Communicate clearly and often. It’s at this moment I start to feel a little dismay. I like Rob, and clearly so does everyone else. He'd convinced all of them to drive across the country to join in with his game. I start to worry what will happen in the likely event that the whole thing isn’t real. Would Rob lose the respect of his peers? Would he accept failure when it comes? After seeing the effort he’s put into these runs, the next few hours have the potential to be wildly uncomfortable.

With a smile and a few encouraging words, Rob ends his briefing and beckons me over to the Wrangler. I clamber inside and make myself as comfortable as possible.

ROB: You ready for this Bristol?

AS: I'm ready.

ROB: Ok then let's hit the road.

The Wrangler pulls out of the driveway, and the convoy follows in order of arrival. Apollo, Bonnie & Clyde, Lilith & Eve, Bluejay and Ace keep a steady pace behind us as we come up to the first corner.

Rob slowly and deliberately turns left, checking on the others in his rear view mirror. He looks back to the road as Ace’s Porsche completes the first turn of the game. Shortly afterwards, Apollo checks in on the CB radio.

APOLLO: This is Apollo for Ferryman. How many to more go Rob? ahahaha

ROB: Hah as many as it takes.

I can tell Rob wanted the to reserve the radio for something other than Apollo's quips. But he seems to like Apollo enough to let it slide. I'm not sure Ace would have received the same treatment. We take the next right, then another left. Now safely assured that everyone's following correctly, Rob speaks my thoughts aloud.

ROB: You're wondering the same thing Apollo is.

AS: What do you mean?

ROB: You're wondering how many turns we're gonna take before we hit some wall or something. Before you find out this is all just a story.

AS: Does that disappoint you?

ROB: I'd be disappointed if you weren't thinking something like it. But now we're on the road I gotta say something and you gotta listen to it.

AS: OK...

ROB: We're coming up to a tunnel soon. Any time before we reach it you can get out, walk in any direction you like, and you won’t be in the game no more. Once we go through, you gotta retrace the route we took to get yourself back out that tunnel. That's when you’re home. And you gotta convince someone to take you back in a car coz I ain't ferrying you back 20 minutes in. You got till the tunnel to skip out on this, understand?

AS: I understand. Though I have to say I'm getting little nervous.

ROB: Ain't nothing wrong with a little nervous.

We've taken 23 turns by this point. Already I feel like we're traversing the city pretty effectively. Rob's heavily modified Wrangler solicits a few impressed glances from passersby, as well as several honks of respect from other Jeep drivers. Other than those few moments, everything seems completely indistinguishable from a regular morning drive. I even start to worry if there’ll be anything at all for this story. “Reporter Takes Drive With Interesting Man” isn’t exactly Pulitzer worthy.

Turn 33 leads us onto a short, unassuming street. A row of small businesses in a quiet Phoenician neighbourhood; liquor, second hand clothing, tools and, at the end of the street, a little shop selling antique mirrors. Ten or so people shuffle along the sidewalk, smiling, talking, planning their weekends. The only lone person is a young woman in a grey coat..

I briefly glimpse her at the end of the street, standing on our next corner, the back of her coat reflected in fifty old mirrors. Even from a distance I can see that she’s sullen, wide eyed and nervous. She shifts constantly on her feet, tugging at the button of her coat.

I look away to write some notes as we roll down the street. When I look up again, the woman is standing by my window, staring right at me. She’s smiling, a wide, unfaltering grin that seems almost offensive in its complete insincerity.

GREYWOMAN: Lambs at the gate. Hoping for something better than clover when all they find are things worse than slaughter.

AS: Rob what's happening?

ROB: Ignore her.

GREYWOMAN: He wanted to leave me so I cut him out. The lake was hungry it drank the wound clean.

AS: Miss, are you alright?

The smile vanishes, it snaps from her face and suddenly, the woman is furious.

GREYWOMAN: What do you think you're doing?! Have you gone mad?!

I reflexively press myself back in my chair as the woman, wild eyed and gaunt, slams her fists against my window, with every intent of breaking through.

GREYWOMAN: Would you dance down the lion’s tongue? It will shred you, you whore! It will shred you down to your sins! You fucking bastard!

Rob puts his foot down, and the Wrangler rolls defiantly away from the woman. As we turn the corner I watch her as she wretches, her every movement cradled in abject hysteria. She yells despairingly at the rest of the convoy, bursting into tears when the last car passes her by.

As she shrinks into the rear view mirror, I see her turn to a large mirror on the side of the shop, which the owner is in the process of polishing. I watch as she walks up to it, and with a convulsant scream, slams her head into the glass.

The mirror cracks around her forehead, the owner jumps back in shock, and as the woman pulls her head from the mirror's surface, the fractured spider’s web is dripping red. It all happens in a split second, and she quickly swerves from my view as we take the next left.

AS: Rob, what was that?

ROB: She's there sometimes.

AS: On that street?

ROB: On the 34th turn.

AS: Who is she?

ROB: I don't know. She's never acted out that much before though. Must be a special trip.

I find Rob's lack of concern a little unpleasant, and his implication that this woman's ravings were the symptom of an internet game leaves me more than a little perturbed. As I see it, there are a few explanations for what just happened, and none of them lead to a comforting conclusion.

If we had just encountered a bonafide crazy person, then one could argue that Rob is just seeing what he wants to see. Maybe he'd bought into the game’s story so much that every strange but explainable occurrence would be rationalised as the next step in his favourite paranormal narrative.

Alternatively, the woman could have been an actor, a more elaborate theory sure, but not unheard of. People have lied to the show before and Rob was receiving a tonne of publicity for this attempt from Lilith, Eve and I. I admit, Rob didn't seem like a liar, but good liars never do.

There is a third alternative however. An alternative which, if you put logic aside, explains the all troubling little details that I couldn't help but notice. Because as strange as the grey woman was, isn't it stranger that no one on the street would react? I couldn't recall a single glance in her direction by anybody on the sidewalk. Perhaps that theory falls apart when you consider the shock on the mirror seller's face but, when I think about it, he only reacted once the mirror shattered, and even then, I feel like his attention was on the mirror itself.

The radio crackles.

LILITH: Lillith to Bristol. Sara... Eve got that on camera! Do you have audio?

AS: I think it picked her up.

LILITH: My god that was so weird. Can you send us the file when we stop? Can you ask Ferryman when we're stopping?

AS: When's our stopping point?

ROB: For them, in about 30 minutes. For you? Well, you tell me.

Rob turns off a busy street just before a large intersection, onto a much quieter stretch of two lane road. Ahead of us the road slopes downward, leading into an underpass, which disappears into darkness.

We'd arrived at the tunnel.

AS: What is this supposed to pass under?

ROB: Ain't supposed to pass under anything, it's just there.

AS: And if we weren't playing the game?

ROB: Then it won't show. The question is, are you playing the game or not?

Rob turns to me. It’s the first time he’s taken his eyes off the road since we started. He pulls the car to a slow stop at the mouth of the tunnel.

ROB: You get out now you can go wherever you wanna go, but through there you'll need a car to get yourself home and, like I said, mine ain't turnin round for a long while. You understand?

It’s a dramatic statement, but unsettlingly, it doesn’t feel like he’s attempting to dramatise. It feels like I’m having something genuinely asked of me. Am I ready for what’s to come? Do I accept the risks involved? Do I consent to be taken down this road, and the next road, and the next? Am I prepared to see this game through, real or otherwise, to its end?

AS: What are you waiting for?

Rob smiles, and turns back to the road. He picks up the CB radio holds down the button on the side. The microphone crackles.

ROB: This is Ferryman to all cars. Anyone want to step out then pull to the side now. Otherwise, stay in formation and have some supplies at hand. We got a long ways to go.

Much like the game I’m so tentatively playing, my view of Robert J. Guthard seems to change direction frequently. I’d heard all about his life, but I’m sure that I know him. I like the guy, but I’m not certain that I trust him. And though I admire his dedication to the Left/Right Game, I’m not sure I’ll like where it might lead us. Yet as he takes us into the tunnel, his face vanishing and reappearing under the dim sodium lights, I can that tell he expects this trip to be a major step in his already impressive story, and this time, for better or for worse, I’m along for the ride.

[mustafa-el-fats]

in: Featured, Heading Out On Your Own, Money & Career, Networking, Professional Skills

Brett & Kate McKay • August 9, 2012 • Last updated: September 23, 2020

Managing Your Online Reputation

This article series is now available as a professionally formatted, distraction free paperback or ebook to read offline at your leisure.

All the basic life skills we’ve covered so far in this series have been things that your dad, and even your granddad, had to learn when he left home for the first time too.

But today’s young man faces a new challenge that Pops never encountered: managing his online reputation.

Despite the nascent nature of this skill, I truly believe it’s one of the most important things we’ll talk about in this series. As the line between the offline and online world gets increasingly blurry, your online reputation is your reputation. Before you meet your freshman roommate, before you pick up a date, before you shake the hand of a potential employer…you better believe they’ve already Googled you, already formed a first, first impression about you, your interests, and what kind of person you are. Thus, if you’re not careful and conscious about the content you create online, you can end up shooting yourself in the foot in all areas of your life.

Heading Out on Your Own…And Into a Fishbowl World

Leaving for college or another kind of adventure after high school has long been an exciting and heady time. It’s an age where you’re experimenting with ideas and values, testing new freedoms, meeting new people, and often changing your mind about who you are and what you want out of life. One week you feel one way, and the next you feel another. During this process you often make mistakes, and do bone-headed things that twenty years later will still make you wonder, “What was I thinking?”

Just a decade ago, only you, and a few of your closest friends, would have held the memory of those crazy and sometimes cringe-worthy moments. The only record of them could be found by digging up a private photo album or journal.

Today…it’s a whole new ball game.

Now, everything you do and say can potentially become part of your permanent and public record. Everybody’s got a smartphone and can snap a picture of you anywhere, anytime and post it online. And things that go up online about you and from you can remain there forever. Mistakes you made when you were just 19 can haunt you for the rest of your life. Being a young man used to mean you could entirely reinvent yourself by moving to a new place and making new friends, but now your online reputation will follow you wherever you go.

I don’t mean to sound all doom and gloom about it. But that’s the sobering reality of living in the Internet Age, and it doesn’t help to bury one’s head in the sand and try to whatever that reality away. It absolutely doesn’t mean that college can’t still be the fun, spontaneous experience it’s always been; it just means you need to take a conscious, proactive approach to taking responsibility for what parts of that experience end up online and in the public eye.

Why Is Proactively Managing Your Online Reputation So Important?

One of the greatest things about the internet is that it is a giant pot that people can both add to and take from. This puts the most enormous wealth of knowledge in human history right at our fingertips and provides an endless amount of inspiration that can be added onto and “remixed.”

The downside of the big internet pot, is that the moment you put something into the pot, you pretty much lose all control over it. Many viral embarrassments have started out as something someone just wanted to share with a few good friends. But those friends shared it with their friends, who shared it with their friends…on and on until it ended up on Tosh.O.

There are essentially no guaranteed take backs when it comes to what you put online. You can erase your Facebook status, blog post, comment, tweet, or video, but someone else may very well have already shared it, copied it, taken a screenshot of it, or downloaded the video and reposted it somewhere else. How websites looked on a certain date in time are captured and archived on sites like the WayBack Machine (take a look at AoM circa 2008!). Emails that you thought you deleted forever can still sometimes be retrieved, and just because you deleted an email doesn’t mean the person you sent it to didn’t archive it. If someone else wants to post something of yours, you may not be able to get them to take it down without suing.

All of which is to say, pretty every piece of digital content you create can potentially exist forever. And this digital record can be accessed by any of the 250 million internet users in the US, not to mention the 2 billion online all over the world.

What’s on that record can have a big impact on both your personal and professional life.

Your college’s admissions office may have Googled you when they looked over your application. As soon as your freshman roommate knew you’d be bunking with him, he Googled you. When you network with someone at a party and tell them about your great idea, they’ll Google you later. And 81% of singles say they Google or check the Facebook page of someone before meeting him or her for a date.

Even though only 7% of Americans think their online reputation influences hiring decisions, in reality, 75% of US companies have made an online screening a formal part of the hiring process, 85% of recruiters and HR professionals say that having a positive online reputation influences their hiring decisions, and 70% of recruiters say they have rejected candidates based on something they found about them online. And since those numbers come from a study done in 2009, they’re undoubtedly even higher now.

What kinds of online discoveries cause recruiters and HR personnel to push your resume to the trash? This chart shows the most common red flags employers look for:

As you can see, it’s not just content you create that employers are checking out, it’s stuff your friends and colleagues post too. Be careful who you associate with.

Some young folks may be tempted to respond by saying, “Well, if a company is going to reject me for posting pictures of my drunken revelry, I wouldn’t want to work for them anyway.” But that’s pretty short-sighted. I’d venture to say that these companies aren’t rejecting candidates so much because they like to drink or swear, but rather that their willingness to show off these behaviors publicly shows a lack of judgment and wisdom. Not at all an unreasonable assumption.

The information that new friends and potential employers can find about you online may not even be true. Some people will try to verify it, some will not. And what they see will often come without any context – maybe you were being funny, maybe it’s an inside joke, but they won’t know that, they’ll simply make immediate judgments about what they find. This is why when it comes to managing your online reputation, you must be both proactive and defensive — deleting anything inappropriate,  wisely choosing the digital content you create, and purposefully creating positive content about yourself.

Self-Reflect Before You Self-Reveal

“Young people in particular often self-reveal before they self-reflect. There is no eraser button today for youthful indiscretion.” –James Steyer

There are some practical ways to manage your online reputation, and we’ll get to them in a moment. But the first step in taking responsibility for your online presence is creating a mindset for how you want to approach your online life.

Matt Ivester, the author of lol..OMG! (despite the silly-sounding title, this is actually a great book, with solid advice from the guy who learned about online reputation management firsthand from his misadventures in founding Juicycampus.com), suggests three questions to ask yourself before you put something online:

1. Why are you doing this?

Why? This is the most important question of all, and one that unfortunately usually goes unasked and uncontemplated.

Today’s colleges are welcoming the first “digital natives:” they’ve never known a time when the internet wasn’t a huge part of their lives. And even for those who are old enough to have used encyclopedias for elementary-school research papers, interacting and participating online has become so ubiquitous that it’s hard to imagine that life was ever any other way. This is just how things are, and we do what everyone else is doing, so much so that we hardly ever ask why we are doing those things.  Once we do start asking why, the answers are surprisingly hard to come up with and articulate.

Why do you update your status or share a link on Facebook? Do you want to share news? Are you bored? Do you want to be thought clever? Are you trying to make someone else jealous? Do you want to see if people feel the same way as you? Why?

Why do you care how many likes or upvotes something you submit on Facebook or Reddit gets? Is it confirmation that you shared something with value? Why?

Why do you leave comments on blog posts? Do you want the author of the blog to know that you appreciated the article? Do you think you have the insight to add that might help another reader? Do you want the author to know how and why they are wrong? Why? What do you hope to accomplish? Do you think it will change their mind? Is it because the psychological angst you feel when you think someone is wrong needs to be discharged? Why?

Why do you participate in online forums? Does it provide a feeling of camaraderie? Do you like to hear others’ opinions? Why do you respond when you think those opinions are wrong? Why do you care what a stranger thinks about you? Why?

When you ponder the why behind creating any kind of online content, from a status update to a YouTube video, you may come up with a reason that you find satisfactory and worthwhile. Or you may find that your motivation is hard to make sense of and decide it’s not worth your time. Either way, by asking why, you’ll become what Ivester calls “a conscious creator of content.”

2. Is now the right time?

The internet creates a perfect storm for impulse control: at the same time that it actively solicits impulsive communication and make satisfying those impulses incredibly easy, it makes taking back the results of those impulses incredibly difficult; it’s easy to hit “send” or “submit,” and quite hard to un-send and un-submit something.

Facebook asks, “What’s on your mind?” while Twitter wants to know “What’s happening?” They owe their existence to people’s desire to share their thoughts, videos, and photographs – and they need to be constantly fed to survive and grow and make money. And blogs (including ours) want to engage readers and build community and so ask for comments. The internet is set up to encourage you to share whatever thought crosses your mind, and taking that thought from your cranium to the walls and screens of the digital world only takes a few clicks.

But just because you can share your thoughts on impulse doesn’t mean you should. Not only because you probably haven’t thought through the why behind wanting to share first, but because strong impulses are usually born from strong emotions: anger, depression, and grief, or from chemically-altered states (like being drunk). When you spout off and share personal feelings while emotional or trashed, you will likely come to regret it once those strong emotions fade or you sober up.

The best thing to do when you feel you’re dealing with an impulse to put something online that you might regret later, is just to sit on it. The internet creates a false sense of immediacy, giving you an overwhelming feeling that you have to respond now. But what you’ll find is that something that felt super urgent and mega important to say in the moment, will seem totally pointless when you wake up the next morning.

One method I use to thwart impulsive responses is to imagine myself living before the internet. If I feel a burning urge to tell the author of an article what a chucklehead he is, I think of reading a magazine in the 80s, and how I would have had no outlet to express my opinion about it besides writing up a letter to the editor or talking to my wife or close friends about it. Or if something annoys me and I want to rant about it on Facebook, I think of a time before Facebook when I would have had no choice but to keep my rant to myself. It makes me realize that just as sharing whatever crosses your mind wasn’t necessary then, it’s not necessary now. The fine-folks of the 80s, while they made some questionable fashion-choices, weren’t any less happy than we are now that we’re able to shout what we’re feeling and thinking to everyone 24/7.

3. How controversial do you want to be?

The younger generation  (including those my age) was raised with a lot of rhetoric about how special and unique they are, how important it is to be “authentic,” and that it’s good to be “transparent.” This can lead folks to throw caution to wind about what they share online because, “I’m just trying to be me! And if other people don’t like it, they can bite me!”

But just because you can now display your opinions and personality to a greater number of people than ever before, doesn’t mean you should, or that the more you share, the more authentic you are. Going back to my suggestion of thinking about life before the internet, people used to only be able to share their quirks with a close circle of family and friends, and they weren’t any less themselves than we are (actually they were probably more themselves since they didn’t get instant feedback on all of their quirks).

Examining the meaning of authenticity isn’t within the purview of this post (although it will be a future series), but suffice it to say for now that the ideal for many of the great men of the past was not transparency, but sprezzatura – only revealing themselves to others slowly as a relationship of trust developed. You may want to “be yourself” by trumpeting your religious, social, and political beliefs online every chance you get, but if those meme’s you keep flooding Facebook with is the only thing new acquaintances know about you, they may decide they don’t want to get to know you before they even do — they’ll miss the complexity of your character that would have shown through over time…that you’re both a liberal and a rabid gun owner, or a fervent Christian and a scientist, or a zealous vegetarian and a Marine.

The three questions above can go a long way to helping you judiciously choose what and what not to post online. A final question to consider is what the general public might think of the content if for some reason what you post went viral or you were suddenly thrust into national prominence. Would it embarrass your family? What impression would a stranger have of it? You and your friends might think it’s funny, but would others find it offensive? You never know who’s going to see your post, what’s going to be dug up on you later, and who might be looking at your phone.

How to Manage Your Online Reputation

Managing your online reputation involves both deleting content you don’t want out there and creating content you do. Follow the steps below that Ivester and others have suggested, and complete each step right after you read it. This is the kind of thing that’s easy to put off indefinitely. Do it now.

1. Google yourself.

Before you can know what actions to take to manage your online reputation, you need to know what’s already out there. To do this, first deactivate Google’s customized search – when you typically do a Google search, the results Google brings up are based on things like your location, what you’ve clicked on before, and things your friends like. But you want to see what would come up if someone else searched for you. Here’s how to take off the customized search feature.

If you have a common name like “Rob Smith,” then search for your name with a qualifier like, “Rob Smith St. Louis,” or “Rob Smith Tulane University.”

After you look at Google’s results for you, check out other search engines like Bing and Yahoo as well.

When you look at the results that come up for your name, try to imagine what conclusions someone might reach about you if they had no other context for that content, and knew nothing else about you.

2. Try to remove content that you don’t want showing up in search results anymore.

After you do a search for yourself, it’s time to try to delete things that showed up that you’d rather not have out there anymore. Maybe you signed up for an internet forum with your real name. Maybe you left a comment on a blog post under your real name. Maybe you wrote a review or a blog post that you now feel is too controversial. Some of these things you can delete yourself.

If you can’t delete something yourself, like a blog post comment on another person’s blog, then try to contact the owner of the site to see if they will remove it for you. They may or may not, but the nicer you are about it, the greater the chance of them helping you, so make your request as civil and appreciative as possible.

If you can’t find the contact information for the site owner, try the site WHOis. Website registrars are required to publish the contact information for the person who registered the domain. Oftentimes when you look up a site on WHOis, you’ll find that the owner has decided to keep their direct contact information private and have instead given a proxy email address. Either way, your email will end up in the same place.

Understand that even if you’re successful at removing the offending content from a site, it may take a few days or even weeks before it’s reflected in search engine results. Also, understand that the offending item really hasn’t “gone away.” There’s a chance that it has been archived on the WayBack Machine. Remember, what’s put on the internet stays on the internet forever.

Moving forward, be extremely judicious when using your real name online.

3. Proactively create a positive first impression online.

Your best bet in managing your online reputation is proactively creating positive content about yourself that pushes the bad stuff off of the first few pages of search engines. Set up accounts with large social networking sites that typically rank high on Google and other search engines. Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook, and Google+ profiles are often on the first page when you look up someone’s name. Set up accounts with them and post stuff that you’d be proud to have your name associated with.

The best thing you can do to ensure positive stuff associated with your name is at the top of search results is to start a blog and update it regularly. If you can, try to secure a domain name with your given name for your blog. What should you write about on your blog? You can publish your resume (redacting phone numbers and addresses, of course), write posts sharing insights in an expertise you might have, or use it to create a portfolio of your work if you’re a freelancer. Whatever it is, make sure it’s stuff you want associated with your name.

Cross-link your blog and all your social networking profiles together: put your link to Facebook and Twitter on your blog, a link to your LinkedIn profile and blog on your Facebook account, and so on.

Even if you don’t plan on using Twitter or Google+ or even putting anything on your blog, it doesn’t hurt to have your name registered with those accounts and domain. You don’t want some Joe Schmo mucking up your good name with a bunch of crazy online antics.

4. Adjust privacy settings on Facebook and clean up your Facebook Profile.

To ensure that potential employers or love interests only see the best of you when they look you up on Facebook, make the following adjustments:

First, take a look at how your profile page looks to the public. If you see any information visible that you don’t want strangers to see, make a note of it.

To change what’s visible on your profile page, click “About.”

Click “Edit” on the next page.  On each segment select “Friends” if you don’t want anybody who’s not your FB friend to see a particular piece of information. For networking reasons, I’ve left my job and school information visible to the public.

Visit the Facebook Privacy Settings page and adjust all your privacy settings so only your friends can see photos and status updates you make.

On the privacy settings page, update what your friends can share about you under “Timeline and Tagging.” Enable the ability to review and approve posts or photos that you are tagged in before they’re published on your Timeline. You can also disable Facebook’s tag suggestion when your friends upload photos that look like you. You don’t want your name tagged in an unflattering photo or post.

While you’re on the privacy settings page, limit who can see posts from the past. Even if you used to post everything publicly, this will retroactively make those posts private.

Review the photos that you’re tagged in and untag yourself from any unflattering photos. While you’re at it, you might ask your friend to remove the photo if it’s something you don’t want out there. Even if you’re not tagged in the pic, it could come back to haunt you.

Leave groups and unlike pages that may be seen as controversial…or just dumb. At least set the privacy settings on them so only your FB friends can see the pages you like.  how.

5. Be more conscious of what you share and whom you share it with on Facebook.

Ask the three questions we covered above before posting something on Facebook. That will save you a lot of grief.

Also, take into account if what you’re about to share is appropriate and relevant to ALL your Facebook friends. You don’t need to share your weekend plans with your old boss and former professors. In real life, you adjust what you talk about depending on your company — do the same on Facebook. Create lists on Facebook for close family/friends, acquaintances, professional colleagues, people that are the same religion as you, people you enjoy talking politics with, etc. Before posting something, ask yourself if this is something all your friends would be interested in or is better for a specific list of your friends. And even if you’re only posting for a list of close friends, still keep in mind what others would think if that status or photo got shared with people outside the list. It could happen.

6. Create strong passwords for your accounts.

If the recent story of tech writer Mat Honan’s online life being completely demolished by hackers doesn’t motivate you to strengthen your online security, then I don’t know what will. Create strong passwords for all your accounts and change them every six months. A strong password is at least 8 characters long and includes at least one special character (&!#) and both upper and lower case letters. Your passwords shouldn’t be the same for all your accounts. To manage all your passwords, use an app like LastPass.

To reduce the chance of getting hacked, enable two step authentication. Here’s how to do it on Google (if you use Gmail) and Facebook.

7. Use passwords on your laptop and mobile devices. 

An unattended laptop or mobile device provides a devilish opportunity for friends or random strangers to mess with your online life. I know several people who had to do a lot of scrambling to recover from an offensive tweet sent from an unattended iPhone by a mischievous friend. Avoid that. Enable password protection on all your mobile devices.

8. Set up a Google Alert for your name. 

Keep your finger on the pulse of what’s said about you on the web by setting up a Google Alert for yor name.  Just enter your name as a search query and Google Alert will email you a digest once a week (or daily if you want) of all the new content that’s hit the web with your name in it.

Conclusion

The internet is an amazing educational, social, and networking tool — you just need to use it wisely. Using it too little can be just as damaging to your personal and professional life as using it too much. Be a “conscious content creator” and use sound wisdom and judgement in deciding where you personally want to draw the line between your public and private life.

Any other tips on managing your online reputation? Share them with us in the comments (only after asking yourself why you’re commenting and making sure it’s the right time, of course)!

 

Related Articles

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Escape the Algorithm!

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How to Support and Follow the Art of Manliness

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[independentartistbuzz]

Good News, Good Music 4.0

We are so delighted we get to end this year on a HIGH NOTE thanks to all of the musicians who have contributed their GOOD NEWS via Cyber PR Music. We wish you a safe and happy new year and please keep your music and your good news flowing!  The best way to reach us is through Twitter @IndieBuzztweets

Please Follow the Spotify Playlist below to hear all of these amazing tracks.

Thanks to all of the artists who shared their music AND their good news.

Miriam Lieberman | “Legacy”

Received A Grant To Record Her New EP

My good news is that during lock down with gigs cancelled and no where to go but with a toddler and all, I got down to songwriting and grant writing. Now that we are emerging into a Covid normal (here in Australia), I am finishing off a new EP of the songs I wrote during this time, also funded (mostly) by a successful grant application to Create NSW. The new single from the EP launches on 26th February and the EP in March.

Steve Andrews | “Where Does All The Plastic Go?”

Raised Awareness For Ocean Pollution

My song “Where Does All The Plastic Go?” is getting included on playlists on Spotify, getting great reviews, and opening doors for me in unexpected places. This is wonderful because I'm thinking big and also came up with the idea for Ocean Aid Concerts to raise awareness of threats to the oceans.  I am leading the way with songs on the subject of plastic pollution and my song could be included in any concerts that happen.

I have recently been featured in Australia by Wyndham Harbour Rotary Club in their The Wave magazine. I am going to be a guest speaker for this Rotary Club in February. In March I will be featured in SWND magazine of Welsh Connections, talking about my song and Ocean Aid Concerts idea. 

J Desja | “Desire Now”

Released Two Albums In One Year

 My good news story is that 2020 was the year I released not one but two albums. I had never released an album before. The first album I released was in September with my band Below Canada. We each set up our own home studios in March, learned Logic Pro, and recorded 10 songs, trading tracks back and forth. My second album is a solo album, artist name J Desja, and I am nearly finished. I've released several songs from the album so far though. This album was born out of the inspiration I was feeling from making the first album. 

My last bit of good news is that I have finally decided that music is no longer a hobby for me; it is now my career, my joy and my passion. I can only hope that my music resonates with others and connects me to them.

Kim Edgar | “Witness”

Sharing The Love Via Virtual Hugs

I decided to release an album as a kind of "virtual hug" as it’s hard not to be able to touch people we care about; it’s often how we embody love, compassion and friendship. We currently demonstrate care for others by keeping our distance, despite the fact that now, more than ever, people may need, or want, to be held. So with this album, I have tried to create a musical hug. In the scheme of things, it’s a very small offering, but I’m grateful that music can still give us a sense of connection - and it’s what I have to give! People have responded really well to that so far.

Sami Chohfi | “Extraordinary World”

From Teacher To Band Member

With everything that has happened this year, Sami went from losing all of his students at the beginning of the year, to now having to turn away students and starting a new band, doing online live shows and releasing his solo album in September.

Echo Twelve | “I Can't Find You! (Locked Down by Echo Twelve) [Echo Twelve Remix]"

Pro-Bono Remix Leads to New Connection

A couple of months ago, a transgender, autistic indie artist name Matti Charlton, who was living rough on the streets of Toronto at the height of the pandemic, reached out to me via SoundBetter to request a remix of his 80s-synth-inspired I Can't Find You. Given his circumstances, I decided to do the remix pro-bono. While one could not call my remix "uplifting" by any means, Matti got a lot of joy out of having it done, and our collaboration and back-and-forth on SoundBetter seemed to give a sense of hope.

Diana Zinni | “Point of No Return”

Birthday Livestream Fundraiser for White Eagle Hall & Rockwood Music Hall

I did a birthday livestream in April and raised hundreds of dollars. I was able to donate it to White Eagle Hall and Rockwood Music Hall because I was blessed enough to remain employed. I’ve been more consistent with content in 2020 than any other year, releasing 3 singles and 2 music videos, which yielded views, streams, sales, reviews and interviews!

Afroshoujo | “Eggs & Pencils”

Grew Fanbase and Released A Teen-Angst Inspired EP

When the pandemic hit I was working on my first album but I had to change my whole course of action both professionally and emotionally! 

I hooked up with Michael Walker (whom I’m sure you’ve heard of) and started to learn about growing my fan base. It gave me so much confidence that I was able to write, produce and release a whole EP addressing my teenage angst and how it had affected me in adulthood. It was a very eye opening experience that I would have never had without quarantine and the appreciation of life and growth! 

Downupright | “Got That”

Launched New Project & Released 21 Singles

 I launched my new project, Downupright, in the beginning of 2020 and have released 21 singles this year as this new artist name. It's been the most prolific year of my entire life artistically, I have never released so much music in a single year. COVID kept me stuck at home with nothing else to do but compose, so I've been lighting it up with nearly biweekly releases. COVID is awful, but at least instead of lamenting the time I've spent stuck inside, I have been mastering my craft. There's a lot of singles to choose from, but here's the latest. They're all High Energy EDM, which is how I refer to my new style- extremely hyped, active, distracting, attention-grabbing music with lots of cuts and beats.

Anniee | “Starry Night”

Released First Single Inspired By Airplane Passenger Turned Best Friend

My first release is a song called ‘Starry Night.’ (Link below!) It is a throwback to 90’s house music with some jazz vibes thrown in. The lyrics seem pretty straight forward, but behind the simplicity is a greater message: Let’s share are troubles, let’s be there for one another, and then—have a good time!

The inspiration came from countless friends who showed up for me at a dark time in my life. One of these friends I met serendipitously on an airplane - we shared our stories, what we were going through - and now we are best friends. Even though the song is energetic and light, this kind of powerful human connection is the deeper message. Even in the pandemic I’m amazed how human beings find creative ways to connect. That’s what this seemingly straightforward dance track is all about!

Vivian Severn (on behalf of Gabriel Severn) | “Kick Start”

Won “2020 Bassist of the Year” At Age 16

My 16-year-old son, Gabriel, has had his heart set on studying music after high school, and works his ass off to be the best musician he can be. As it did to everyone, Covid 19 stole plans and damaged dreams. His resolve began to waver and the challenges of this year exhausted him. But 2 weeks ago, Gabriel was notified he’s won a 2021 National Young Arts Award, a prestigious award for high school students in the arts. The following day, he found out he’s one of five Finalists for Bass Player Magazine’s "2020 Bassist of the Year". These moments of recognition have reignited his motivation to continue sharing his music to the world, and he’s now working harder to finish and release his debut solo EP as well as his band’s debut album in 2021.

Dustin from ReEmerge | “Can’t Feel You”

Inspired A Fan To Ask For Help When They Need It

Recently a young lady who was pregnant with her third child was suffering from some serious mental health issues. She put off going to the doctor for sometime or talking to anyone about it. It seemed to be getting worse and worse and she just wanted to be able to be clear headed and able to provide and be a good mother to her kids. She finally reached a point where she made herself go to the doctor and get the right medication and it was life changing. I didn’t know about her until I saw she used one of our songs on TikTok. It was a very touching video and resonated with a lot of people. Including me.  She has almost 100,000 views from this video and growing. Her message was that it was okay to seek help and you don’t have to do it alone and our song apparently helped convey that message. That was very nice to see and hear that! Thank you for your time and the opportunity!

Leanna Primiani (ANASIA) | “Sounds Like Fear”

Surprise Premiere Broadcasted Live on CBS 

I had a big recording date at the Newman scoring stage on the Fox lot with my score Ivory Wave for String Quartet and Electronics (to be released in 2021) https://muse.ai/vd/BBYymyt, and I had the surprise premiere of my orchestral piece, 'Gaudete for Orchestra', that was broadcast Live on CBS on the East Coast! Two big surprises for me. I'm glad I pushed through and kept composing!

Stay tuned… There’s more Good News Coming!

[tova-onova]

war reporter //get killed before you speak

when you are torn and tortured, before losing your life, you have the most gracious and beautiful dreams

@Moths

*this is what today is made into entertainment as an industry - models starving to death, ballet dancers dying of anorexia because of the stress in their minds and the pain their bodies are too fragile to actually take for a long period of time without pauses for deep regeneration and rest.

(*NOTE: this post is designed to express frustrations, don’t take it literally. an though that is not debated, is false. i put stuff under deconstruction to find peace w/ them. don’t feel offended,if you can)

this pain has to be kept secret, intimate, personal. whispered, not shouted about on media. it is sickness depriving people of their intimate space of suffering or struggling and selling them out for money. to  point you either became desperate to try being gracious altogether and you give up on it, or you are left completely isolated and everyone else starts making fun of your personal efforts to reach glory and greatness through grace. i have no space to breathe - this hate reality is suffocating any human being who might mess up and fail, but is ready to continue trying and move on in order to become better at what they want to perfect about themselves in the first place, through art or craft.

INSTEAD YOU BECOME HUNTED and all the grudges othe rpeople have get clened with your intimacy and your capacity of dilligece to genius and grace. you are shamed for beign sog ood, ad it is expected of ou to be ahamed of your competency just because int he smae time some narcissist is feeling lonely and deprived because they are and never can be as good as you. there is no actual reson for hating other, or your colleagues - it is only jealousy and a very poor personal character. strng people cn accept defeat from rivals. ut psychopaths - can’t. they live in their own reality bubble and they are then only judge in it, and the only factor tobe judged - otehrs dont hold any real value to a arcissist, and it is like they don’t exist in the imagined erality fo a narc. many int he cerative industries have acted as full narc so far. and because of this all others that are different re on the verge of suffocating. ad eve if they wanted, they can’t express their desirs to help people learn in their day-to-day lives more about reativity, focus, strategic plnning, maing use of rt to have a healthier and peaceful life, while helping your community nd the evironmet to stay safe and great. the problems of the Earth are woven in fabric. not only social fabric, but al kinds of layers of the human activity that hs been permitted to occur so far. if we do a cleanup of the ocean of human consciousness and subconscious, while also we clean the physicla earth, we have to address big names, big brands, big industries, big practices and big amouts of abuse and narissism, that kill life on all levels - environment, personality, communit,industry, culture. and the ultimte value is ot harmony or beauty - it is money. and thus people who are aggressive ca steal moey while patient peopel who want to deeserve it die from exhaustion trying to earn eough to fund their projects.

but the public is anxious, as well as the agents and the providers of funding. why cn’t a critic wait, since a performer is the gold mine they are digging to make money out of? and how coem they take it all out on the perforemr for beig a human. the can’t create, the oly watch, the have a failed ambition to be the cretor, so they suffer in a pond of anger and negativity. they are dangerous becuse thy are afraid to invest in their love and desires so they become judgemental of others’ work, as they are judging themselves. they erate a false reality and media strts busing the split in their minds to burn rel people to ashes with negatibve hateful comments that ruin their careers if they get to hear them. the world of popular products of culture is sd because obody is feeling like an artist. the feel like a product. so they get offended by every criticism. they dont defend themselves and their genius, they defend  brand that they have been turned into for money. this is a very unstable livig style. and it never ends. it has to end because real people lose teir physical strength and they need pece from the nonstop drama of the popular stars who are alws hugr for money and fame, but never feel complete, liek a creator. a creator an keep silent. and can do meditatio by living life shining is part of all of it, it is not all of it.

this is unfair and all of humanity suffers because we ive in an ugly world becaus eof that narcissistic greed.

every beautiful piece has a history of cruelty, but the most cruel thing comes out from the artist who tries to overcome his or her human limitations by becoming even better and more gracious in their craft -

the cruelty comes from the critics who are jealous, from their influence in the media that makes the humanity of the artist seem as a weakness, but the drive of these critics is jealousy and not caring for their colleague - they wanted to be as good and they badly wanted to shine, but they are not as smart, or as tall, or as courageous and hard-working, so instead they resorted to being haters online ro in newspapers or at universities or in printed publications. they spread their poison on behalf of actual craftsmen and artists.

a person struggles when they face their limits and have self-criticism. but they take a break only to regain their power and then try again. today every failure of someone who is trying to demonstrate grace to the entire world, is made into a sensation and the person is balacened as a complete moron, total failure, garbage or unksilled as an artist, simply because he said ‘i need to take a break’. this pace of insanity is called a nuclear war reality. where do you hurry for? what is more important than giving time for a doung to rise and than be baked into a sourdough bread? what more important job do you have than wait and observe and do LIFE?? huh?

and why is the body of a young person expected to compensate for that???? why do you not sacrifice your body if you re in such a big strong hurry to blow yourself up in another hatred-ridden ‘islamic state’ attack on the private space of individuals from peaceful cultures who lead logical lives and are not narcissists who create deliberate chaos to steal attention to themselves, because they re worthless and they don’t do anything all day, but they want to be the actor of their show, because they have sold their soul to a culture that makes them think they are more than everyone else and they are god, but it becomes sad and terrifying and empty because they don;t have anything else but their fake ideas that cant feed them or provide them with warmth and shelter. so they steal nd they terrorize all of the rest - to tare their peace out of them, to torture their brains their guts everything - until everyone is as dead s the narcs are. and they call this massacre dead end game a ‘win’

.........

they are a poison all over internet and everywhere where there are humans who express themselves artistically and want to be able to express their humanity freely

to the point of losing all energy in battling the savage brutality of haters, instead of producing even more enchanting and spectacular art with their skills.

when it is not safe to have a different opinion, and your job and livelihood depends on you putting up with brutality just to make ends meet, how does anyone expect to not see young people who loo alienated and who hate their surroundings? people are irresponsible enough to not care about anything else int he world than their living room and their dinner, but when their grandchildren come and show them a radioactive piece of trash they found while swimming in the ocean, they call the child mentally sick or bad and defiant, and they tell the child it is a threat. Do you really thin that being killed by radioactive weapon is an unreal threat but your child warning you about someone’s plans to low you out of existence is one??? Stupid idiot

-THE REPORT IS INTERRUPTED BECAUSE YOU BECOME MURDERED. a.k.a. YOU GET KILLED-