#who told me multiple times that they thought i was somewhere on the autism spectrum

[bandedbulbussnarfblat]

I had a rough week last week. Tuesday my dog gets sick, so I look up her symptoms. And bc I'm a crazy person, my mind automatically latched onto the worst possibility. So I spent three hours crying hysterically and having panic attacks bc I was so scared she would die. Then Wednesday I had to take my dog to vet and was still super stressed out. Thursday and Friday I have to deal with medicaid and disability paperwork. Saturday I had a panic attack so bad that I couldn't stop it and had to text my brother to come help me (he lives with me. we're too poor to live without a roommate, and we've basically lived together our whole lives, so it was whatever). Sunday morning I have a panic attack and can't leave my house to play my weekly dnd game bc the thought of spending hours with other people away from home was...bad. Sunday night, I got completely (and irrationally) terrified of being alone. I was so afraid that I called my mom, and of course she offers to come over. And I'm freaking out so bad I let her, even though it was late and I know she has to get up early for work. (She only stayed until my brother got back around 10:30)

BUT, today is a new day. I managed to get my blood work done today, and talk on the phone to my case worker, and pick up a pair of contacts from my eye doctor to wear until my order comes in. And I didn't have a panic attack. I mean, I still had to have my dad take me, bc leaving home alone isn't something I can do right now. (Mentally or physically. My brother's car broke down, and since he's the one who has a job, he's been using mine. i stg it's like a fucking family curse; every time someone is already in a financial bind, their car will break down.)

So I have decided to take the next few days to just relax. My two besties that I've been friends with since middle school both have kids with autism and they said I'm probably going through autistic burn-out. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic and my doctor thinks I'm somewhere on the spectrum, though on the lower support side. I'm gonna play bg3, and unwind. And try to work on some fic. (bc I have the next chapter of 16 Days damn near finished, and it's the last chapter that ties up the current plot, then there's an epilogue that takes place later that played out like a movie in my head, so writing it will be a breeze.)

Side note, did y'all know that some school systems still use 'high/low functioning'. I've had to say to my coworkers that autistic people would prefer not to use those terms. But it isn't surprising; one of my cousin's kids was literally diagnosed with Asperger's. Which has fallen under the autism spectrum disorder since like, forever ago. And also there was a TA in the autism classroom I worked in once who literally told me that autism was caused by demonic possession. I'm so glad I left the school system. Bc I eventually was going to fucking explode with rage after the way my kids were treated. (My students, not my actual kids. I don't have or want any)

Working in EC has really shown me how little the school system actually cares about helping the disabled; they will cut corners and do shit that 'technically' meets a kid's IEP, but doesn't do a damn thing to help them. And if you say something like, 'i don't think that counts' your coworkers will not be happy. But to a certain degree you can't be too mad, bc there is literally not enough time or resources to meet every child's needs, bc they cram as many kids in one EC classroom as possible, hire the minimum amount of TAs required by law and expect one teacher to be able to magically meet all their needs. My last job had 3 kids in wheelchairs in those tiny ass mobile units schools started using, that literally did not have room to move around, unless the other students stood up to let them get by, and sometimes even move their desk. We had multiple kids with autism. One of them stimmed by screaming, another was triggered by loud noises.

This post kinda went off on a tangent. Anyway, heads up to any parents who have kids starting school, make sure you get a copy of your child's IEP. If you think they aren't being serviced, contact your local Board of Education, and tell them that you have a child with an IEP who isn't receiving adequate services. Then threaten to sue them if they don't start providing your kid their services. It does not matter if you can actually afford to sue them or not, an IEP is a legally binding document. You have the right to sue, and most of the time the threat alone is enough to kick their ass into gear.

[yaminerua]

Idk just rambling about my brain

Man I don’t think I have adhd but I do think my dad does because he fits SO MANY hallmarks of the inattentive subtype. He doesn’t want to bother getting a proper confirmation of that being the case but like the CPN who visits to assist my brother more or less said he agrees that adhd is very likely in him given everything he’s come to understand about my dad over the last several years of knowing him.

But he did also sort of just generally sit and point at all of us and say he thought we were all autistic on like the second time he ever met us so lol I don’t know

it does make me wonder though if there’s SOMETHING going on with me too. My brother is definitely autistic since he received that diagnosis back in school, and though it’s not confirmed, dad matches so many check marks for adhd that it is reasonably likely for him to have it but whenever I look up one or the other to try to see if I see myself in them I don’t feel as though I fully relate enough to one or the other to think I really have it.

Like yeah there are a handful of things I do relate strongly to but idk if they can just be written off as coming from a different source. There’s a lot of trauma and depression and anxiety in general swirling around in my head so it would be easy to put some of those things down to those instead.

so I generally just assume I don’t fit into autism or adhd. But it’s fairly present in the family so I can’t help but wonder.

Autism is definitely in the family on my dad’s side for sure. His cousin and all three of her children have it as well as her brother and I know one of his children has it too.

I found out a while back that my uncle had been told he was on the spectrum too and I wouldn’t be surprised if my other uncle was as well bc they’re both very similar in the same ways, though that’s just speculation. But there’s definitely multiple confirmed instances of it so idk. It makes me curious about whether there’s a chance I’m somewhere on the spectrum too bc as I mentioned before there are some things here and there which I relate strongly to but none of it is strong enough overall to be like oh yeah that sums me up you know? Like maybe some lesser traits but not so much the bigger ones.

I do think I have some kind of dyscalculia for almost certain though, given my well-documented struggles with maths, and other shit like reading clock faces. And the cousins I mentioned earlier all have confirmed dyscalculia. So that’s there. And apparently it can be present alongside adhd from what I read a while back. But again I don’t relate strongly enough to think I really have that.

Executive dysfunction is the biggest thing that does match up. God knows I’ve spent so much of my adult life trying to get myself to do what needs done to maintain the upkeep of even just my own bedroom and even with the best intentions of keeping it up I could never do it. I’d sit for months screaming internally at myself to fucking tidy up and ultimately the best thing that worked to make it happen was knowing I had friends coming up to stay and then I’d suddenly erupt into a hurricane of productive tidying, kicked into action by an immediately approaching deadline. and to an extent I relate to people’s descriptions of what rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like. but at the same time I wouldn’t say I had a particularly hard time in school wrt studying and working, or other things people generally look for. It was the being bullied that I struggled more with then.

anyway idk. There’s something about my brain that is definitely… idk… SOMETHING. It has real observable effects on my life and relationships and everything but I just dunno what exactly it is.

[bisexualamy]

i do this every 3-6 months where i consider that i may be autistic and then i just decide it's not worth it to investigate. instead i've just kinda settled on allowing myself to do stimming behaviors and routine setting and managing overstiumlation in a way that keeps me comfortable and not label myself as anything

[plurals-helping-plurals]

I'm so sorry this is so long but I've been venting about stuff to some people I trust, a lot of them being systems, and like everyone said that I sounded like one. I've been working on researching and trying to figure out if I am or not and I'm.. confused...

Most of my life, I feel like I don't know who I am. I use multiple names but, I don't know how to explain it besides each name feels like a different person. I feel like I'm a stranger in my own body a lot and there's times where I feel like I'm viewing my life through a camera len. My memory is the same way, but more like I'm viewing someone else's life. Sometimes I do something I call "autopilot" where I zone out super hard and come back to doing something or having done something I have no memory of. It doesn't happen often and I've always attributed it to my adhd but I've been told it might be something different... I also sometimes get thoughts that aren't mine. They sound like my voice, save for maybe one voice, but the thoughts are very much not mine. Similar things happen with my emotions, where They're Not Mine™.

I'm otherkin but.. it's hard to explain, a lot of my identities feels like they're seperate from me, unless I'm experiencing a kin shift. Like, when I'm not shifted, I'm me and the kintypes are them. Seperate. But when I'm experiencing a shift, we're one and the same.

I don't know what any of this means but The One Voice That's Not Mine™ has been adamantly opposing what others have been telling me and saying things like I'm making stuff up and seeing stuff where there is nothing and.. I can't really bring it up with my therapist? Because I already had to fight her about getting tested for autism the, like, five times I brought that up so I don't think she'll be too enthused about helping me with this....

I just don't know what to do and part of me is terrified that once I stop focusing on figuring this out, it'll all disappear, like how it feels with my bpd diagnosis. Especially since, if I am plural, there doesn't seem to be a big distinction between alters.

Do you have any advice or anything?

Keep in mind: We are not licensed professionals. From what you’re describing to us, it sounds as if you could be somewhere on the plural spectrum, but you will need to do some self-exploration to figure it out for certain or not. 

Dissociative symptoms are quite common among Autistic and ADHDavers, but it is not required for a diagnosis.  Autism and ADHD even have their own spot on the plural spectrum (autigenic / davegenic). There are also non-dissociative autigenic/davegenic systems as well. So, it will be your job to sort that out for yourself if you choose to explore this avenue of yourself. 

I would say that there is no harm in testing out the waters of your plurality by trying to engage more with the Others™

But don’t get too wrapped up in labels or diagnoses, as you go along on this journey of self-exploration. Do your research, and do your best to focus on just experiencing and being. 👌 - Mod Apocalypse

[lifeisbooksandcats]

Since posting on tumblr feels like just screaming into the void; where maybe someone might throw a glance your way to see if maybe you’re both screaming about the same thing, but at the end of the day, no one is really paying attention to you..and I feel like that’s what makes me feel like I can post this. Because it’s not something I can say out loud, not really, not yet. Except to my fiancée because it’s something we’ve talking about for a while. This is going to be long, I’m certain of it, and it’s going to be rambley because I’ve been trying to put my thoughts into words and those words into coherent...anythings...and it just isn’t going to be in any sort of order. I’m not expecting anyone to read it and I’m hoping the read more button actually works on mobile. If not, then I’m sorry, you’ll be scrolling for a while.

I don’t know how valid people feel self-diagnosis is, but I honestly feel like I fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. And that’s something I’ve thought about myself since my first year of college. Someone in a communications class I was taking did a presentation on autism, and throughout the entire thing all I could think was how much everything resonated with me. So that’s, since the fall semester of 2009, this has been something I’ve quietly thought about myself and wondered and honestly just been pretty sure of. That’s 12 years this fall, and I still can’t bring myself to say it?? And I think it’s a good bit because I’ve been asked so many times throughout my life if I’m autistic - by family members, by friends, by a college roommate, by people living on the same floor as me at college - and it’s ALWAYS been (or at least felt like to me) in some sort of negative way. And I don’t want to apologize for being myself, but fuck it’s just hard sometimes???

When I walk into a room, especially one I’m not familiar with, my first instinct is to look for the exits and figure out how I can get out of there if it gets too loud/too hectic/too EVERYTHING and I start to panic. And if I’m in a situation where I can’t leave, I have this little clear stone that I play with in my hand, just something to focus on to help keep me just a little bit calmer. When that doesn’t work, it’s like my mind just...goes. I don’t know how to explain it; physically I’m still there, but mentally...even if I wanted to pay attention to something, I literally could not. It happens the most when there’s too many sounds/voices/conversations happening at once, they all blend together, I can’t understand anything and after a second it feel like it’s all just muffled and I’m not there anymore, I feel so disconnected from my body, like there’s someone else controlling my brain and I’m just there watching. It happened at the zoo just recently, when we went into one of the restaurants for lunch. I was already panicked because of the number of people inside without masks on. From the second we walked in, everything from the number of people inside, to the volume, to the lights being too bright (but looking back, I feel like they were probably an appropriate brightness? It just felt too bright with everything else going on), to the lack of masks, everything was too much. My fiancée and I stood in line with one of our friends, waiting to order our food, and I stood there rocking slightly on my ankles and fidgeting with that little stone, just trying so desperately to calm my internal panic and to not “check out” mentally and to just appear “normal”. I stood there waiting for our food, rocking on my ankles, running my thumb along my fingertips, listening to the conversations all around me merging into one unintelligible mess and on the inside, full on panicking while hoping that from the outside, no one could tell. I got our food, set it on the table, and stepped into the bathroom to wash my hands, the quiet welcoming me like nothing else. I closed my eyes and just stood there, breathing, letting the warm water run over my hands like some kind of magic balm bringing me back down. I opened my eyes again, a woman with a toddler smiled at me like she knew - which made me worry again because it’s not something I want people to know because I don’t want to be different, I don’t want anyone to look at me differently. But at the same time, I do. I want to be able to stand up for myself and say “I literally physically cannot go into this loud, crowded restaurant because I’m autistic and it is so auditorily overwhelming in there.” And maybe that wasn’t even what her smile meant. Because I literally never know how people are feeling and I try to figure it out but honestly 90% of the time it’s just guesswork.

But it’s not just that. It’s not just the panic that sets in when it’s too crowded and the sounds are too much. It’s the fact that as a kid, I was never “just” a fan of something I liked. I either didn’t care, or it was an all-consuming obsession that basically became a personality trait. I was a fan of Aaron Carter, but god forbid anyone ask me a question about his music or anything — because whether or not you were interested (and unless you flat out told me you were uninterested, I literally could not tell), I was going to info-dump everything onto you. I could tell you what time he was born, how many minutes were between him and his twin sister, which concerts his sister Leslie sang at (because she also had a small music career), at what point in his career he actually started singing live instead of lip syncing most of the time...

And speaking of info-dumping. If I couldn’t info dump to someone, I would write it. As a child - second, third, fourth grade...- I wrote essays upon essays on things I was interested in just because I could. Just everything I knew on the topic, thrown out into words either handwritten as a younger kid or typed as I got older. When I was in about fifth or sixth grade, when Harry Potter was HUGE and all my friends were also into Harry Potter, I couldn’t tell everything I knew to my friends because they already knew a lot of it...and so as a kid, maybe a fifth grader, I wrote a six (maybe seven?) page essay - single spaced - with everything I knew about the series/the author/everything. Before the last book came out, I filled an entire spiral bound notebook with my theories for how the series would end and WHY I thought what I thought.

My first NOW That’s What I Call Music CD was Now 14. I was in 7th grade and I could tell you exactly what order the songs were in. That was something I did to calm myself down back then; listing the songs on that album over and over and over again, always in the right order.

From about 7th grade until high school graduation, I brought and ate the exact same thing for lunch every single day. I said it was because I liked it, but I really didn’t. I didn’t like the Oscar Mayer precooked bacon that I would put on my BLT. I didn’t like the texture, half the time I couldn’t bring myself to eat it and picked it off my sandwich. But the thought of changing it??? That wasn’t even something I would have considered because somehow in my mind, changing it was worse than eating it. Make that one make sense.

I love routines and schedules and things staying the same, and get annoyingly stressed out when things/my schedule changes. One little change or one little thing out of the ordinary and it’s like I forget how to function for the day. Everything seems off. And I hate it. Because I KNOW that it shouldn’t matter, but it does. Half days and two hour delays at school growing up?? Those stressed the FUCK out of me because the order of the day would be different. I loved school and loved learning, but those days I felt physically ill over the thought of going to school. Field trip days were okay though because I knew they were coming and I had plenty of time to mentally prepare myself. I remember as a child asking my teachers (on multiple occasions) for the itinerary for a field trip so I could memorize it and know exactly what to expect and when for the day.

There are times that my fiancée will turn on the tv for “background noise” while she watches videos on her phone, and I wish I could describe what I mean when I tell her that there’s “too many sounds”. Because between the tv, her phone, the hum of the refrigerator in the other room, the neighbors, cars driving by, the cats playing, the ceiling fan...I don’t know how else to describe it other than exactly that — too many sounds. And it gets to be too much. So I have to put headphones in and listen to music to drown it all out and refocus.

I’ve only just recently been able to put a word to what I now know is poor executive function. As much as I loved school, I could NOT do assignments until the day they were due. I could start on something days before it was due, but I couldn’t work on it. I couldn’t focus on it. I couldn’t get myself to work on it. But the morning it was due??? I could whip up a paper that I knew would earn an A just hours before needing to turn it in. I prided myself on that ability, but looking back it was most definitely poor executive function. If I couldn’t finish something that morning, which was a rare occurrence, I would lie - I’d look “everywhere” for my assignment and “panic” because I “couldn’t find it” and because I was a good student, I got away with it. Every. Single. Time. Even with the hard-ass teachers who no one could get away with things on. And magically by the end of the day, I would swing back by that teacher’s classroom to give them my assignment that I had finally “found”.

I remember sitting on the kitchen floor of our apartment as a kid and tracing my fingers along the lines on the floor where the tiles met. I remember the pattern was brown/white/brown/white, but there was one spot on the floor that made me so irrationally frustrated because two tiles were swapped; instead of the same pattern as the rest of the floor, this one spot was brown/white/white/brown/brown/white. I remember pointing it out and my mom asking me why I had even paid any attention to that. I didn’t know why, I just did. I remember her telling me that it was stupid to let it bother me and to just let it go, but I couldn’t. I stopped mentioning it, but right up until we moved out of that apartment, I couldn’t even look at that spot on the floor without getting frustrated by it. There’s more than that. But that was one of the first things I thought of.

I’ve been watching a lot of Yo Samdy Sam’s videos on YouTube, and especially her videos “Autism symptoms in GIRLS” and “Could YOU be autistic? (and not know)” and I just... I feel that. Everything she says, I feel that. I watch them just thinking “that’s me. That’s me.” the entire time. She mentions sucking on her hair as a kid, and I did that CONSTANTLY. My hair was forever in my mouth. And now that I’m an adult, I don’t suck on my hair, but my sweatshirt strings are always in my mouth. Obviously there’s more than that, but that was one that hit me hard because I didn’t realize that wasn’t just something everyone did as a kid. I didn’t realize not everyone couldn’t stand still and always had to be fidgeting or moving slightly, whether it was rocking on my ankles, running my thumb over my other fingers, crossing and uncrossing my toes inside my shoes. I didn’t realize not everyone had the same shitty executive functioning skills as me.

And it’s like... I’m so sure that’s me. I’m so sure that I am autistic. I know it. But it’s like...is getting a diagnosis at this point in my life going to change anything? I mean no, probably not, other than giving me that validation that I crave. I would feel valid when the world is too much/too big/too loud. I would have a reason for feeling the way I do and doing the things I do. So much of my life would make sense. But. I don’t know. I’m afraid I’ll try to get a diagnosis and have someone, some doctor or therapist or psychologist or someone tell me that I’m not. And then what? Then what is everything I’ve felt throughout my life? That’s what I’m afraid of, really. Because if I’m so sure of this and then some professional says “no that’s not it”, then what?

[ironbellies-blog]

Newt Scamander’s mannerisms and autistic behaviors. Okay, breathes out. Let me be honest this is going to end up feeling deeply personal to me. Two years ago when I was doing really badly emotionally I saw a therapist we talked about a lot of things and when I eventually revealed I was asexual she suggested to my mother that we test me for autism (specifically aspergers). At the time when I was really accepting that it was okay I was ace I vehemently refused to do it. Because it felt like she was trying to find a “problem” with me being asexual and I was... deeply uncomfortable with it. 

I’ve since realized that she was likely right and I should be tested... So this essay feels, in some way, a reflection of my own mannerisms that I see we share. I by no means can say I have a full understanding given I haven’t been fully tested, but like with all of my headcanons I’m keeping papers up and trying to do proper research. So this headcanon is as equally as a trepedition for me (personally) and something I want to carefully word with respect to everything else.

Let’s begin then.

I’ve stated it a fair few times how I feel in certain regards: Newt’s speech patterns, his awareness, behavior, and sexuality. This is going on a much more fuller spectrum that hopefully covers everything to understand in complete how I write him. This is something I have difficulty with putting into a singular sentence so expect several paragraphs on each matter. 

My Newt is on the autism spectrum, specifically, he has Asperger's syndrome. The first time I’d like to note is that at the time he was born and --worse-- in a wizarding community which lacks some areas autism wasn’t something that was studied and most children with the condition... Wouldn’t have led very great life. Like Theseus gestures to Newt they’re just “me” in a way that no one else is. This isn’t a bad thing, but it would have created an even greater feeling of otherness and people wouldn’t begin to understand it (hopefully I’ve said this in the right way).

Let’s begin with a CoG fact (minor spoiler): Newt and Leta seemed to become friends in their third year. At the time Newt was hung up in a corner of Hogwarts, surrounded by tanks filled with creatures, specifically caring for a wounded animal. He is not interested in Leta’s immediate appearance until she approaches and he’s able to connect Leta with the creature (a baby raven). This is increasingly furthered by his attempt at helping her by taking her somewhere else in their sixth year and discussing something he enjoyed.

There are a few things we see in young Newt: A detachment from social events (preferring the company of creatures, for hours at times). A focus on said creatures to note “intricate social patterns”. And a reliance on speaking metaphorically or relying on facts that only he would otherwise care about. He also remembers minor details about people he meets even without associating them when others might not (remembering Leta’s family crest is a raven). We also, of course, have an aversion to looking people in the eye-- but not an incapability of it.

These are the major details that we can gather from his younger self, so we’ll move on to some details from Fantastic Beasts (please note these details are not necessarily autistic traits, but what he shows): He walks with a specific gait to impersonate an animal. This is not necessarily a sign of autism, but peculiar movements are considered a sign (in this case, however, Newt takes in his “inward walking” intentionally for his line of work). He is awkward in intimate, joyful social settings.

 He can occasionally talk off topic and interjects when he realizes he knows what the other is talking about. He has difficulty expressing himself emotionally and chooses again to relate to what he knows or going around it. He has an aversion to touch-- He is not against it, but prefers to initiate it himself. He acts against “societal norms” and is unafraid to act with his senses. And the final mention I’ll go to is that Newt becomes intensely focused on the situation he’s in-- He still sees the bigger picture, but he gets tunnel vision.

Now that we got some of his ‘big” behaviors noted let’s go further in and dissect this information. We’ll start with two quotes: “Watching Newt walk, we see in him an unselfconscious Keatonesque quality, a sense of a different rhythm to those around him.” “Newt slows down and watches Mary Lou as he would observe a foreign species: no judgement, simply interest.” These are two quotes I look at when thinking about Newt and I’d like to add a line in from the recent movie where Theseus gestures to him and is like “be less yourself” and Newt calls him on it and seems very uninclined to do so. This is a trait I think is important: Newt is aware he is not like other people. It’s part of his awkwardness, he knows that he sees the world differently, embraces it and doesn’t let it hold him back. If he did he wouldn’t do things like a mating dance in front of people or licking the ground-- Newt knows others find him odd, annoying even, and simply accepts it for what it is because he isn’t going to change it.

More importantly, Newt is hyper-aware of his surroundings even in a setting filled with people. “Newt sensing the need to change...”, “Newt studies the characters in the room...” One of the things that personally make me frustrated is seeing people act like Newt is unaware of the people around him. He is constantly watching his environment, assessing it, and going by it.

 The difference is that he’s so busy looking at interactions around him that unless he’s intentionally focusing on the conversation at hand, unless it matters to him, he’s not aware of the conversation. He has to have an interest at the conversation at hand to be paying attention to it, otherwise his attention goes to the other details around him-- Both a tick and something he gained from his travels (remember, he spent time in the wilds-- he’d have to pay attention to everything to survive there). So Newt has too modes: Either extremely attentive to a singular person or attentive to everything else surrounding them and not a conversation at hand.

In the same, he is hyper-aware of what he’s interested in he’s also aware of his own thoughts. What I mean by this is, Newt understands who he is and why he does things. He knows he will always act when something is in need, knows that his own opinions aren’t going to be swayed, and knows what he means to say. Let me better put this to words: Newt is unselconsious of who he is and will not change it for anyone. So he speaks with brutal honesty and frankness that can be as disarming and hurtful as it is charming-- People are charmed by him because Newt wears his heart on his sleeve: emotionally, honestly, and physically. He’s not held back by the social structures others are.

And the reasons for this are multiple: It is a part of his autism, yes, but it’s also not the only reason. Newt’s seen many cultures studied the people he’s been around and learned about them. He is GENUINELY interested in all beings creatures and humans. This means that he’s visited all types of people-- tribes in Africa where gender roles are reversed, places where sexual identities are freer, and places where family dynamics are different.

 He’s learned and accepted all of them (this is why I’ve written that, for Newt, human nature isn’t new to him and he’s not disgusted by these acts-- he is disgusted by human violence, unwillingness to see others as beings, etc). Likewise when it comes to the creature this also is a thing: We see him act as these creatures would down to their mating dances. Like humans, he’d see some species have reversed roles on sex and gender identities are ultimately a human concept. Human-based societal and sexual concepts are not things that Newt looks at, though he’s aware they exist and matter they are not things he recognizes when confronted with them.

Connecting with this is another trait I’ve mentioned time and again-- largely in my defense of how I write Newt when it comes to physicality. Simple put: Newt is a man who is more comfortable with instinct and action. This is not to say that he is not aware of something or cannot use words. We see in FB Newt making the “first move” by brushing Tina’s hair back. He firmly tells her in the Death Chamber to trust him, making eye contact. In CoG he spends the entire time trying to find Tina and sort out what to say (and resulting in him going back to the aforementioned “relating to a topic he knows”/”metaphor” ways he did before). 

Newt is actually aware in all of those situations the necessity of the situation, the way he feels, everything but he also knows that there’s a certain expectation of him to “answer properly”. It’s why he has difficulty putting what he wants to say into words, why he goes to a tender movement. He knows what he means, knows what he wants to say, but has spent a longer time studying creatures and around them to learn their movements then he has human intricacies.

Because of this Newt is not touch repulsed but prefers to be the one to initiate it and would rather know it’s coming. Remember, Newt initiated the contact with Tina on both occasions (he told her to jump and that he’d catch her, he reached for her hair). It’s likely that with touch he is over-sensitive meaning that while he accepts it when he’s not expecting it he doesn’t know what to do and by the time he’s processed it he moves on (CoG screenplay says he accidentally brushes hands with Tina and they both jump).

When it comes to speaking, however, it’s not that it’s impossible for him. He can speak and short of interjections-- repeating the same word, “oh” “um-- he does get what he means across. He just is brutally honest and frank about it and doesn’t necessarily realize what he’s said is offensive to other people (and even if it is, he won’t take back what he feels). But he also relies on metaphors that others don’t use and are confused by because they make sense to him-- Usually about creatures. Newt doesn’t necessarily realize what he says is offensive because he’s. to him, just being honest and (often) times means nothing personal...

Except, Newt truly does actually find humans dangerous. He recognizes that most are capable of bad things and we’re not actually ever told why. Likely because humans hurt others out of pleasure and a misguided idea of “I don’t understand it, it can be dangerous, kill it”. It takes a lot for Newt to trust people and he’ll be quick to call them out on their shit-- He shows this with multiple characters in CoG. He’s unabashedly unafraid to say what he thinks and feels. At the same time, however, he’s distinctly aware of how other he is to people. His own family thinks him odd and out of place, rather or not they love him. So he finds it better to simply keep to himself, and he prefers it. Newt likes the company of his creatures, he likes the rhythm of his day-to-day life (we know he was extensive schedules listing day-to-day activities of when to feed certain creatures, of what days to do certain things, etc, etc). Newt has a sense of adventure and thrives in situations of the moment, but in his own space he does prefer having things in order and knowing that tasks are completed.

Newt holds a great deal of empathy for people and creatures who are mistreated. More so creatures, but he does see those that are abused, “the outsider” and wants to help them when it comes to human company. He’s not sure how to handle it, but Newt as a person is one who recognizes wrongs being done to others and innately wants to make things right. If he has the power to do something to help, Newt will do everything he can to help them.. And the interesting and most important thing is: Newt does not allow himself to be held down by human structure to do so.

This is a man who uses everything at his disposal to survive in dangerous terrain, “fighting them all over with my traveling kettle”. A man who acts animalistically in his day-to-day life and relies on their behaviors to “get things done”. He’s a man who’s awkward and brutally honest and has difficulty expressing himself in an “acceptable away”. But even more importantly than that is he doesn’t find his thoughts weird or odd or wrong: They are him and he embraces them and has decided if others can’t accept it than he’s none-the-worse for it.

[mariska]

hey everyone. sorry i’ve been gone for a while. life has been really difficult, more-so than usual and i’ve been struggling to do anything social including posting on most of my social media pages. im hopping on because i need a place to vent and i dont have therapy until next thursday but my moms went up to bed and im trying to fight off a panic attack so if ur bothered by vent posts or whatever i wont take any offense if you scroll past this, i dont really even need anyone to read it i just need a place to vent my thoughts out right now

so things have been really hard for me lately. im still fighting to try an get a diagnosis for being on the autism spectrum (and im trying to find as many reliable sources of information about ‘non-traditional’ autism symptoms as i can so if u happen to have anything saved like that i’d super appreciate it if u sent it my way) and i still havent gotten the full results of my neuro/psych eval yet, but my moms are going to have a private meeting with the woman who tested me on wednesday so im crossing my fingers that goes well. today we decided to go to the local renaissance faire as a family and i found an old dress that i bought at the same faire when i was 10 (that was way too big for me at the time but fits me now) to dress up in and did my makeup and took a shower and was all hopeful about that. it took about two and a half hours to get there because traffic was especially awful today so i was a little stir-crazy from being in the car for so long when we got there but managed to pull myself together. it started off really fun and i was enjoying myself, there were multiple places at the faire that did shows every few mins and i watched some dudes joust and watched another guy who was an expert with whips do cool tricks with that and then happened to stumble upon an acrobatics show, there was like one row of seats (like low to the ground wooden bench type seats) left empty around the area so we sat and watched them. when their show ended i went to leave and one of my moms said we needed to stay in that area because my other mom was getting food for them and a water for me and we would lose her if we left. so we turned around on the bench facing the opposite way of the stage so that we could see her if she walked up. i thought about getting up a few times but kept getting distracted because of my shit adhd brain and also someone asked me to take a pic of their family and i was like ‘ok!’ and did that and then sat back down. so anyways my other mom found us and i was like ‘alright lets get going’ and then they sat back down to eat their food and i was like ok. so we continued sitting the way we were sitting and then like 5 mins later i thought i heard someone talking about us behind me???? like ‘look at them, its the whole row. this never happens anywhere else only in massachusetts’ and i turn around and like two girls are staring directly at me who just walked on the stage i guess???? and i was like ‘oh! i’m sorry, i’m totally oblivious, i didn’t know a new show was starting’ and the one who was talking about me looked at me and was like ‘no its fine its just that its so funny how this only happens here and never when we do shows anywhere else. just think thats weird.’ and then turned away and didnt like....start doing the show they were going to do......just continued to try and drum up an extra audience (and also borrowed some persons apple cider from the audience and drank it? i mean they didnt seem to mind so whatever i guess but. uh?) and like their show hadnt actually even started yet so they were still going to set stuff up. and while they turned away and went to the other side of the stage to continue setting stuff up i scooted closer to one of my moms and told her that i was like kind of mortified and really embarrassed and felt like i did something bad and wrong even though i hadnt meant to and that i felt like i was going to cry. so she removed us from the situation and we walked around for a few minutes and i tried to let it go but i really felt (and still continue to feel to this very minute hours and hours later) like i did something bad and was unintentionally rude and my mom told me that she saw and heard them act like that with the other audience people too and that they had just been trying to joke around with the audience in order to drum up more participation for the show that was coming up and that it seemed like part of how they opened the show, with like, snarky humor or whatever? but then i freaked out more because i hadnt even considered it being a joke? and i still dont get if it was meant to be a joke or not? which is part of why i ended up getting so worked up......i really genuinely thought up until today that i had no problem telling when people are purposefully joking around even if its at my expense because i grew up with a lot of sarcasm (new england is like....Extremely sarcastic all the time) but like......i guess not.......if it was a joke i still dont understand it. anyways i completely was unable to keep it together while we were walking around and tl;dr: burst into tears, became extremely extra flustered and embarrassed that i had burst into tears in a very public environment, managed to wipe my eyes and pull it together enough so that i could properly exit the faire with my moms without anyone asking me why i was sad, then immediately burst into tears again after getting in our car and cried the entire way home.

i just feel so embarrassed and flustered still, as of the time im writing this at almost 10 pm. and i cant stop replaying the scene in my head. and i genuinely dont know if i did something wrong or not or if those girls were just joking and heckling the audience or whatever. i dont understand that concept. i feel a lot of shame. im still trying not to burst into tears at the thought of it. and it makes me feel like i shouldnt even bother trying to do nice things for myself outside of my house because it seems like every time i go somewhere other than the mall i end up misunderstanding a situation with something or someone and end up having a complete emotional breakdown about it for the rest of the day, if not the week. im so frustrated with myself and im so frustrated with the way my brain works and i wish i could just process social interaction the same way as everyone else because the rest of the world seems to think this is not a problem for me!!! for whatever reason! i cant stop thinking about today and every time i think ive forgotten about it the memory replays in my head and i feel my chest seize up and i get a sensation to burst into tears again. even now im scared to post this because im afraid that im just like......taking everything too seriously and i sound unjustified in my reaction which i mean....i guess is true....in a way......i dont know. did i do something bad???? i really feel like i did. and i have no way of resolving this problem if i did. i cant stop overthinking this

[frog-chemicals]

Sorry for this rant in advance but

I have this "friend" who claims to be pansexual but he's a huge dick about anyone non-cis. He's also gone on multiple "there are only two genders" type of rants to me. Like dude what the fuck. I'm 100% fine with people as long as they're a nice person and have some form of respect for others but he just throws all of that out the god damn window to disrespect everyone. I've been questioning my own shit for maybe a year or two-ish. Not too sure. What I am very much sure about is that this dickbag isn't helping. I am very self conscious about certain aspects of my body and he'll just joke about whatever like it's nothing. For example he has called me trans multiple times as a joke. Well maybe I do fucking feel that way you ass. You certainly don't make my problems any better. And he's not even quiet about it either. I don't need the entire class to fucking know about my problems. I've tried talking to him about these types of things but he'll just go on calling me cringy or a shitty feminist. I'm just trying to explain to you to god damn respect people. He also doesn't seem to God damn understand that I as a human being have feelings. Sure I act tough and I block people out to a certain degree but if someone who you've considered a friend for multiple years starts practically bullying you that'll fuck a person over. Another thing that's really affecting me is how aggressive he can get. Seriously make a shitty joke and he'll fucking hit you. He has threatened to hit me with random objects (water bottles, my own metal ruler, books, etc,) or straight up flat hand. He also tends to kick a lot thanks to which I have multiple bruises on my legs. During PE we kinda had a lesson to do whatever since it was the last lesson before vacation started and he decided to continually kick me in the back and against my legs whenever I sat down. I told him to stop because he was hurting me but he wouldn't stop. I mentioned it to the teacher but he didn't even react. It's not even fair in heights since he's around 6'5~ while I'm 5'0. He has also "jokingly" insulted me for how short I am which as you can guess I don't like at all. He insults me on a lot and finds it all a joke. For example I have this one big jacket/sweatshirt/zip up hoodie that I ALWAYS wear because of how comfortable it is and the fact it covers up certain areas of my body. He will call me gross and disgusting because of how often I wear it which to him equals to being unclean. I'm probably somewhere in the ace-spectrum of sexuality but of course "those kinds of people are gross" I asked him why he thought so but once again. No response. I've talked to people online about him before and they've always said "Just tell the school. They'll do something" my dad and I have tried so many times. Big surprise they didn't do anything. After multiple talks and my dad stepping to the headmaster they thought it might be a good plan to do something. You know what that was? Sit us down with the school counselor to talk out our problems. This of course didn't do anything. I can't go to another school either because this one has a lot smaller classes and kinda helps kids with "learning issues" (Dyslexia, ADHD, ADD, Weak forms of autism, those kinds of things) but most of the kids are just the biggest shitheads they scrapped up from the streets to have enough students. Oh. And he wanted to talk to me about stuff on this corner where he continues while I take a right and he just didn't seem to get why I'd rather go home than stand there with him in 26 degree weather. I did just continue on leaving him there but this isn't the first time he has tried holding me up there. He has also just grabbed me multiple times when I tried leaving on a normal basis even if I told him I wanted to go home. There's probably a lot more to be said on this asshole but I'll leave it to this. For now at least