#whoever did this remodel should be jailed

[alternis]

adulthood is spending every day calling the previous homeowners absolute idiots for the horrors they inflicted upon your bathroom

[scoopsgf]

1 + 96

It’s raining when it happens.

Raining just like when it had happened to Ben.

Only this time they’re inside, and it’s the thunder that counts: rolling across the swelling black sky after a crack of white-hot lightning, so loud it dulls the sound of the bullet going in.

But Peter hears her fall. He scrambles off of his bed and bursts into the kitchen to find May on the floor, in a steadily-growing pool of blood, surrounded by shards of glass from the shattered window she’d been shot through.

He stops breathing. He stops thinking.

Peter swings to the hospital because it’s the fastest way there. He knows how long it takes for ambulances to travel in this city; he’s well aware of the odds of her surviving a five minute wait time. Using his biocables cuts that neatly in half.

He bursts through the sliding glass doors of the emergency room and calls for help. It comes quickly. Suddenly there is a sea of blue-scrubbed doctors taking May from his arms, transferring her to a gurney, getting an oxygen mask on her face, wheeling her away. “Were you shot? Are you hurt?”

Peter blinks. It takes a minute to register that the nurse is asking about him.

“What?”

He comes back into focus. “Are you hurt?” the nurse asks again.

“Huh? Oh, no, it’s not—it’s not my blood.”

His voice is strangely flat. The nurse grabs a chart. “Do you know her name? Where did you find her?”

Peter blinks. Does he know her name? What kind of a question is that? Of course he… of course he knows his own aunt’s name…?

“Do you need to sit down?”

“Her name is May Parker,” Peter blurts. “Just—call this number,” he takes the chart from her and scrawls down seven digits he’s memorised by heart and hands it back. “They’ll come and they’ll take care of her. I have to go.”

The nurse’s brow furrows. “Sir, you’ll have to give a statement to the police—”

He rips out of her grip and runs out the way he came in.

—

It takes three rings, but then the phone is picked up.

“I need your help.”

—

He meets her in the back alley behind his building. “Hey,” he greets, and in return he gets a punch to the chest.

Peter chokes and rubs his ribs. “God, I don’t get paid enough for this shit.”

Nat’s features contort with pity. “Sorry, but in my defence you shouldn’t have snuck up on me.”

“I thought you were supposed to be some world-renowned spy.”

“And I thought you were supposed to be a friendly neighborhood Spider-Man,” she retorts, “but here we are.”

Peter’s face darkens. It’s stopped storming and the rain has dulled to a lazy drizzle. The ends of her hair are damp and curling and her breath steams. He steps around her and scans the building opposite his own. “Up there,” he says, jerking his chin toward a window on the fourth floor—which is directly opposite the one above his kitchen sink.

Nat follows his line of sight. “You sure you wanna do this?”

“What else am I supposed to do?”

“Oh, I don’t know, be with your aunt?”

Peter’s fists curl. “I’m not just gonna stand there like an asshole while she—” his throat stings with bile; he swallows. “I want to do something. I need to do something.”

Nat raises her hands placatingly. “Whatever you say, little spider.”

—

They sneak into the apartment building. It’s nondescript, pretty much exactly the same as his own except it clearly hasn’t been remodelled since the seventies so the carpet looks like something out of The Shining, but the layout is an exact match.

Nat picks the lock on apartment 4D and they slowly creep inside.

It’s completely empty. Like, no furniture, no bed, nothing. Peter’s stomach turns as the sweep the place only to come up empty handed, until—

“Bullet casings,” he announces, crouching by the window to pick them up.

Nat’s at his side in an instant. She takes one and inspects it. “FMJ,” she says with a frown. “Jesus, whoever did this really wanted to make sure she’d stay down.”

At the look on his face, she sighs. “Sorry.”

“Oh, sure.”

Nat leans out the window and scans the alley below. There’s nothing but a dumpster and a cardboard box full of kittens that Peter’s secretly been feeding for about a week.

“What do you think?”

“I think,” she says, “we need to speak to the landlord.”

—

The landlord is a little old guy named Skipper who tells them repeatedly that he can’t give out private information.

Then Nat gets him in a chokehold and he starts talking.

“He’s this creepy dude,” Skipper wheezes, rubbing his blotchy throat. “Reggie Farbank. Lanky hair, beady eyes, tall. Comes and goes all the damn time but he never stays long. Just checks his mailbox and leaves.”

Peter and Nat exchange a glance. He returns his gaze to Skipper. “Do you have a copy of his mail key?”

—

Reggie’s PO Box is empty except for one note, folded in half with Peter’s last name on it.

Nat scowls as she reads it over his shoulder. “Son of a bitch,” she growls.

—

Tony sits by May’s bed, pinching his brow as he listens to the steady, rhythmic beat of her monitors. It’s been about twenty minutes since she was moved from the OR to the ICU; the bullet had been through and through, but it had fractured her collarbone and shattered her shoulder blade—not to mention the damn thing was half an inch from puncturing her lung.

She hasn’t woken up yet. The doctors had mentioned it would be a while.

“Where’s Peter?” He’d asked them when he’d arrived, only to be met with bewildered looks.

Only one of the nurses had asked, “Might’ve been the kid who brought her here. He looked pretty shaken up. Gave us her name and your number and then ran off.”

Tony had sworn something nasty in Italian and pressed for more information only to receive none. They were all clueless. The storm had taken out their power and they’re running on backup generators, so there’s no security footage to run through. Peter’s trackers are off—but they were turned off manually, which means he had to be alive to do that.

He’s not dead but he’s not here and Tony doesn’t know what the fuck to do.

The smell of rosemary herald’s Pepper’s entrance into the little room. She runs her hand through Tony’s hair. “Anything?”

“Nadda.”

“You’ve tried calling—?”

“I’ve tried everything,” Tony says, a little harshly, and then sighs. “I’m sorry. I—I sent Happy down to check the apartment and… and to clean it up.”

Pepper looks a little sick. She hands him her coffee. He takes a long drink.

“Pete’s phone is off.”

“Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know. I’m—I don’t know.”

He’s clueless. Helpless. It doesn’t make any damn sense. Why would Peter run? There’s no way he was involved in this, so what could he possibly be doing?

“Do you want to go and look for him? I can wait with May.”

Tony shakes his head. “I’m not leaving her. He wanted me here so I’m staying. Why else would he have had them call us?”

“Tony—”

“I’m staying,” he says. “Besides, I already called in Rhodey. He and Happy are combing the streets as we speak, but odds are he’ll show up here and I’m not gonna be gone when he does.”

He’ll need me.

—

Peter and Nat make no sound as they slowly creep through the storage facility.

He’s holding a gun.

Guns are not his thing, but he hasn’t really given himself the chance to think about it. Nat had put it in his hands and if the time comes when she tells him to shoot, he knows he probably will. He’s angry enough to, bitter enough. He can’t stop wondering how long Farbank was watching them for; he’s been feeling off for days, spine tingling as he walks through the house, the hair on the back of his neck rising when May opens the window to let fresh air in.

He should have known.

He should have seen something like this coming.

“Any idea who he is?” Nat had asked on the drive over.

“No,” Peter had replied, checking the magazine on the glock.

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to find out ourselves, then.”

Only the address had been written on the note they’d found, but Peter doesn’t need the unit number. He just follows that feeling—it’s like a game of hot or cold, but instead it’s his stomach twisting and his skin prickling.

It’s like someone is stabbing needles into the ends of his fingers when they finally find the right unit. Peter takes one side and Nat takes the other. Their eyes meet across the distance.

He nods.

She shoots the lock.

—

“She’s crashing—code blue—”

“Someone get me the defibrillator!”

—

“I knew you’d come.”

Peter and Nat stand at the mouth of the unit with their guns raised. Peter’s bones feel like lead and his mouth tastes like metal.

There are pictures of him all over the walls: some blurry, some clear as day, all taken from the vantage point of Farbank’s apartment. He feels like vomiting but doesn’t. Instead he says, “So exactly what the fuck is this supposed to be?”

Farbank looks crazed. His hair is greasy like it hasn’t been washed in days and his eyes are bloodshot, pupils blown. He’s clearly high off his rocker. “You are the bane of my existence,” he says wildly. “You destroyed my family, so I destroyed what’s left of yours!”

Peter glances at Nat, who looks just as confused as him. “Enlighten me.”

“My brother,” Farbank snaps. “My big brother, Matt. I bet you don’t even remember him, do you? It was six months ago! He was—he was all I had left—we only had each other and you tore us apart!”

Farbank sweeps one of his many monitors off his desk with his outburst. In response, Nat cocks her gun and steps a little closer to the wall to give herself a wider range.

“So what, Parker here got your brother arrested so you decided to commit murder? Get yourself locked up too?”

“At least then I would be with him,” Farbank growls. There are tears on his cheeks. “Do you have any idea what they do to people in jail?!”

“I do, as a matter of fact,” she says coolly. “So what’d he get put away for?”

Farbank looks down, mouth twisting. “Armed robbery,” he whispers.

“Oh?” Nat tilts her head. “Sounds pretty justified to me.”

“We had no money!”

“But you had other options, I’m sure,” Nat says. “Robbery is just easier. Put the gun down.”

Peter had forgotten Farbank was even holding one. He starts sobbing, but then like a switch being flicked his monologue starts back up again. “It doesn’t matter! You can kill me and it won’t matter! The whole world is gonna find out your identity, Peter Parker! I have hours of footage, frames upon frames of proof! Did you really think you could just sneak out of your apartment every night and no one would notice?”

Nat squints at Peter. “Good question.”

Peter scowls. “Suck it, Nat.”

“Whatever,” she looks back at Farbank and then, in one swift move, she lowers her weapon. “Relax, I’m not gonna kill you.”

Farbank blinks. “What?”

“Yeah,” Peter adds, “what?”

Nat shrugs. She advances toward Farbank with her hands raised. “Everything is gonna be okay, I promise. If you just hand me the gun—”

Farbank lashes out, but Nat is quicker and she sees it coming: she disarms him in one swift move and plants a Widow Bite on his neck that has him convulsing on the floor and frothing from the mouth.

“Ew,” Peter says.

Nat hums. She’s already focused on hacking into the computers. Peter zip ties Farbank’s wrists and hears her snort. “God, talk about amateur hour.”

Peter isn’t listening. He stares down at the man who shot and possibly killed his aunt. “He deserves worse than this.”

“I know,” Nat replies easily, “but I don’t want you to be the one who administers his justice. That shouldn’t be your weight to bear.”

“Some people would say it’s my right.”

“Not me.” She types a few lines of code into the system and then says, “Wiped.”

Peter watches her promptly turn away and start ripping his pictures off the wall. Frustrated, he gets between her and them. “Nat,” he says, “what he did—”

“Hey,” she puts her hand on his arm, “you’re angry right now. You want to hurt him and I get it. But you won’t. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday you’re gonna come to your senses and remember that it wouldn’t do you or May any good. In fact it would only hurt her more, so let me handle it, okay?”

He sighs and closes his eyes for a second. The next thing he knows, Nat’s arms are around him. He’s only got a couple of inches on her, so her chin rests neatly on his shoulder.

“It never gets any easier,” she mutters, “but I’m gonna make sure you’re safe from here on out, I promise.”

And Peter doesn’t really know what to say to that, but it doesn’t matter anyway because he can’t speak. If he does, he’s gonna start crying, so he just holds her back and tries to even out his breathing.

“Okay,” he whispers eventually. “Thank you, Nattie.”

—

It’s four in the morning when his kid finally shows up at the hospital.

He’s not dead and surprisingly enough he’s not alone. Nat is trailing behind him, looking grim and exhausted.

But Peter… Peter looks so much worse.

And Tony’s not about to make it any better.

He stands unsteadily. Pepper reaches out to support him but he waves her off. “Kid—”

“Is she okay? Is she in surgery or…”

And then he gets it. It’s the way it always happens in the movies, a cresting realisation, a dawning horror. Peter just goes still. “Tony,” he whispers, “don’t tell me… please don’t tell me…”

Tony reaches out. “Pete, I’m so sorry. She held on for as long as she could but she suffered a stroke—”

Peter collapses into a chair. His eyes are wide, full of unshed tears. His hand covers his mouth.

Nat looks stricken. “Fuck,” she hisses, sinking down into the chair next to Peter’s.

Tony perches on the coffee table in front of his kid and reaches out to hold his free hand. “Pete?”

“I just… I just need a minute.”

Tony nods. He’ll wait.

As long as it takes, he’ll be here.

[angrylizardjacket]

el mañana

Summary: Lola visits Vince in prison, but it turns out she’s been coping with drugs and denial and it’s wrecked more havoc on her psyche than anyone had realised.

A/N: Drug use, shitty coping methods, just a whole heap of angst I guess. Im sorry that all I can think of is sad stuff for Lola.

[run to paradise]

----

"Where 'r we going?" Lola had been zoning out for most of the car ride, letting LA pass by in a blur while the music playing through the radio was more like white noise.

"To see Vince, like you asked," Tommy's tone is tight, and his grip on the steering wheel is almost white knuckles. Lola can't bring herself to look at his expression, too worried about what she'll see there.

"'nd where's Nik?" She tried straightening up a little, but it was uncomfortable, made her head swim in an unpleasant way.

"Probably still at your place; he didn't want to come," they both knew that wasn't true; Lola has shot up just before leaving, but Nikki had taken a dose earlier and was already getting hit hard by the time Tommy had arrived, drawn to their house by Lola's frantic phone call about how she needed to see Vince. Tommy's uncharacteristically quiet.

"Are you mad at me?" Lola asked, the words slipping lazily from her lips like she's anticipating a 'yes', like she's already got a snide remark ready to go.

"'course not, I just don't wanna be here long. I've got a date with Heather tonight so I can't get fucked up with you guys, and I don't wanna be in a weird-Vince head space, you know?" He gives her the first real smile of the drive, and Lola's heart melts a little at the sight, "I could never be mad at you, Lols."

"I love you, Tommy," she tells him with an intoxicated sincerity, and Tommy's smile dies a little; for the sake of his burgeoning relationship with Heather, he knows he can't indulge Lola like he wants to. He focuses on the road, Lola sighs gently, expression falling. "Vince's house is like a three minute drive from mine; where are we going?" She finally speaks up.

"What do you mean?" Tommy frowns, "we're- dude we're visiting Vince in jail like you asked-"

"I said I wanted to visit him, and I couldn't drive and-" sometimes there was a painful innocence about Lola that Tommy's own childish nature would never be able to replicate, and he hears it in her voice now, "I just- I miss him, and I checked the calendar and," there's panic rising steadily in her voice, "we - us and Razzle - we were going to go to this bar that one of Razzle's band mates likes and we were meant to organise a day to go ages ago-"

The car screeches to a halt as Tommy pulls over.

"Stop fucking around, Lola, it's not funny."

"And they hadn't called so I called you to ask you for a lift there-"

"Are you being fucking forreal right now?" Tommy asked quietly, his throat suddenly dry as sandpaper.

"Why is Vince in jail?" She sounds so damn helpless. Her fingers are flexing in and out of fists, unsure of what to do, what she even could do. She's never been good at reaching out, metaphorical or not, but it's never been so painfully obvious before.

"You're not kidding? You really don't remember?" Tommy's frown deepens as he looks to her, though his tone had softened. His hands are still in a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel.

"I don't-" Lola exhaled slowly, pausing, "Tommy I don't remember the past month." She admitted, and it's so quiet. "And I know why, obviously I know why, but I don't... I don't know why why." She's trembling and he doesn't know what to do or where to look; he's seen Lola when she's fragile but it's been so long.

"Razzle's dead."

Finally he looked at her, really looked at her; her face had gone blank.

"Oh." She swallowed hard. "I don't remember that." Nose twitching, she sniffles, brushing the tears from her eyes before they even threatened to spill. "Can we go see Vince?"

Once the car starts again, she's rummaging around her pockets. Tommy watches in his peripheries as she pulls a wrinkled bag of pills from her pocket. She dry swallows the lot.

At the prison, the first thing Lola notes is how tired Vince looks. She cards her fingers through his hair, and his expression is soft, a little forlorn.

"I didn't think you'd come visit," he admits, before pausing. It's gentle when he holds Lola's cheek with one hand, his thumb brushing her cheek bone, "are you high?" His voice is a murmur, and neither is sure if it's hurt of disappointment bleeding through. Lola's nose twitches a little and she can't help but sniffle.

"Baby, don't cry," he murmured, and Lola nodded adamantly, rubbing at her eyes with her sleeve.

"How are you?" She tries, and she watches his mouth move but her mind can’t process his answer. She’s got so many questions, but is barely in the right frame of mind to have them answered. So she lets him talk.

Her smile grows distant as the drugs start to hit her, and she couldn’t concentrate even if she wanted to. The conversation from the car has already faded from her faulty short-term memory, and she doesn’t know where she is. All she recognizes is Vince. But she’s so used to just being places and not knowing how she got there, at this point, so she goes along with it, nodding every time there’s a lull in the blonde’s words. It doesn’t take Vince long to realise this, and he just looks so tired.

“Why are you here, Lola?” 

“Huh?” It’s only when she hears her name that she struggles back into the present.

“Why are you here?” Vince asks, his thumb rubbing over her knuckles where he’s holding her hand.

“I wanted to see you,” Lola smiles a little, looking around as if she’s not sure where she is, “we were meant to go to that club - what did Sami call it? I can’t remember...” She trailed off, her smile a little confused. 

“Lola,” Vince says very seriously, and he keeps saying her name until she finally looks him in the eyes, “Lola, you need help.”

“I’m fine, Vinny,” she tells him earnestly, giving his hand a squeeze, as if trying to reassure him. It’s clear she believes that, she doesn’t have the energy to lie. “When are you coming home?” She asks, and Vince actually winces a little at that.

“Soon.” Vince says with a weak smile, “did Tommy drive you?” He asks, and Lola nods. Vince waves over a guard.

“Hey man, can you escort Miss Gone back to Tommy Lee? And just... can you please give him a message from me?” He asks, and Lola frowns a little, but isn’t capable of paying enough attention to care. The guard seems skeptical but nods slowly.

“Is she high?” The guard asks, frowning at Lola, who smiles blithely back.

“Prescription pain medication, it takes it out of her,” Vince lies easily, giving Lola’s hand a gentle squeeze, “can you tell Tommy that she needs help? She’s been through a lot recently and I don’t think she’s dealing with it well.” The guard sighs and nods, and Lola stands when asked, though she hesitates. 

“Vinny?” She asks softly, and he looks at her, his expression heavy. She’s careful not to hug him, they’re very strict about that here, but she takes his hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles, “I miss you.” She laughs a little airily, “all my boys have scattered, but you’re always gonna be my boys.” And with that she lets herself be lead out.

Tommy’s quiet for the entire drive home after hearing Vince’s message from the guard, dropping off Lola without a word. He seems... perturbed.

“Where’ve you been?” Nikki asks from where he’s flopped back on their bed when Lola gets in.

“Vince’s place as gotten super depressing,” Lola sighed, crawling onto the bed, straddling Nikki and pressing a kiss to his bare chest.  Nikki is very, very quiet. His hands rest on Lola’s thighs, “it’s so gray, whoever remodeled for him should be shot.”

“You want some smack?” Nikki asked, and Lola sighs like the thought of it alone is enough to bring her peace. She nods. Nikki pushes up the hem of her skirt with one hand, and reaches over to the syringes on the bedside table with the other.

[classic-rock-roller]

1. Bonham is joining your family for dinner one night and right from the start, your sister is giving her shit for being fat. She’s letting it slide until meal time comes. Bonham asks, “Could you please pass the potatoes? They’re delicious.” Your sister just looks at her and says, “Ethically I don’t think I should.” This is upsetting to Bonham. How do you respond? What does Bonham say? What do your parents say?

Me: Corinne...shut up and stop being rude before Bons punches you in the face. 

Bons: I wouldn’t punch her in the face. 

My mom: Corinne that was rude and uncalled for. You need to apologize. 

My dad sits there very uncomfortable. 

2. A production company approaches your band and pitches their idea to you. They want to make a movie set in the 1800s, but the actors will all be musicians. Their ideal casting is as follows

Gentleman Character: Kevin

Sensitive Man: Tom

Overly Theatrical Funeral Home Director: Erik

Cross Dressing Teen: Sean

Super Rich Dude who is actually a Horny Scumbag: Randy

Perfect Southern Belle: Bonham

Linus: Flamboyant character that you can’t tell if they’re a dude or not

Undecided: You, Rudy, Carlos, Frankie, Crue.

Each person’s character is the exact opposite of their personality in real life. It will be a true testament to any acting abilities you all have. Which roles do the undecided players get? Who all accepts the offer? How does the film turn out with those who accepted?

I end up being the barmaid in charge of the bar and the other barmaids, Rudy is the outlaw, Carlos is the mayor of the town, Frankie is the deputy, Mick is the Sheriff, and the rest of the Crüe boys are miners. We all do which the director loves because then he doesn’t have to find anyone else. It doesn’t turn out too bad. Although some are better at acting that others. 

3. Bonham has just learned to play the bass and wants to play it for your band sometimes. “You can’t have 2 basses in a band though, it’s not the same as other instruments.” Linus comments. You all agree, since it’s a fair point, but wonder how to proceed. Finally, the idea comes to you all that she and Erik could do dueling basses. Every show while the rest of the group takes intermission, they’ll duel it out on basses (like Lars Ulrich and James Hetfield would do with the drums). How do you and the rest of your band like the idea? How do the crowds like it? What do you all say?

I love this idea because I’ve always loved the dueling guitars concept except that we never found someone to meet Linus’ standards. 

Linus and Sean think its great because it means they get to take a break once in a while. 

The crowds go wild over it. They find it amazing and it makes Erik and Bons bond more as friends. They’ll plan while licks to play off each other. And we become known as the band who duels basses every night. 

4. Kevin is leaving on a plane to visit some family during the spring just after you got with Tom. You’ve known Bonham has had feelings for him for ages but she’s a chickenshit and hasn’t done anything about it. You’re all seeing him off at the airport. The flight attendant is getting ready to call up the boarding groups. Kevin stands up and wishes you all goodbye, but then, very suddenly and in a moment of 80s-esque theatrics, Bonham goes up to him and says, a little too loudly, “It’s dangerous to go alone, take this!” and kisses him passionately. How does he respond? What do you and Tom say? What do you think of her terrible theatrics?

Kevin slowly opens his eyes, “...whoa.” 

I squeal because I’ve been hoping Bons would do that for weeks and Tom goes, “Jesus Christ.” I pull her into a hug and go, “It took you long enough. I was waiting for you to kiss him. I’ve known you had a thing for him for weeks. You’re not good at hiding it.” 

5. Bonham has been in a bit of a depressive rut lately, and she’s been saying that she wishes she could feel something. You blow it off, as does everyone else; she’s been overly dramatic before, it’ll pass. One day, you and her Tom and Kevin are driving around in a vintage 1964 Ford Galaxie. She clicks the car’s cigarette lighter when Kevin asks her to, and when it’s ready, she pulls out the knob thing (idk what it’s called. sue me.), but instead of handing it to Kevin she looks at it for a moment, contemplating, until you see her stick it deliberately on her thigh. She’s screaming in pain, and eventually you pull over (you’re driving) and ask her, “What the hell?” Through her tears she says, “I just wanted to feel something.” What do you all say to that? How bad is her burn? What do you do next?

I pull over within two seconds of her screaming. I pull it out of her hand and glare at her, “Don’t ever do that again, ok? You worry me. Let me see.” It’s a second almost third-degree burn and I drive her to the hospital. When it’s bandaged I go, “Please be more careful, please. You worry me. I don’t want you hurting yourself.”  

6. You and Bonham and Sean and Kevin and Tom are in the studio one day working on the soundtrack to your band’s biopic. Everyone except Sean is in the room looking over some promotional photos, and Sean soon comes in with a peanut butter sandwich. At one point you ask what he thinks, and he just says, “You guys ready for some awesome ASMR?” before making smacking sounds with the peanut butter in his mouth. How do you all respond?

Me: ahh! Sean! Knock it the fuck off that makes my spine crawl. 

Erik: Stop chewing with your mouth open, it’s disgusting. 

Linus (rolling his eyes and huffing): Idiot. 

Tom: Man, stop it, that’s gross. 

Bons is ignoring him and continuing to look over the promotional photos.  

7. You come home one day to find Tom and Kevin and Bonham sitting out on the front porch. Tom’s in a chair with his phone, and Bonham and Kevin are on the step facing each other with water in their mouths. As you walk up, Tom reads a stupid joke from his phone, and Kevin and Bonham struggle not to laugh. Soon enough, they both fail to keep a straight face. Bonham’s water just kind of drops out of her mouth, but Kevin’s spews out all over Bonham. Tom says, “Point for Bonham. Reset.” “what are you doing?” you ask. “This is the spit take challenge. They both get a mouthful of water, I tell a dumb joke, and whoever spews farther loses. It’s pretty funny cause Kevin’s really bad at it.” Tom explains. How do you respond? Do you let them keep going? Who wins in the long run?

“Well...that’s a game.” 

I let them keep going and Bons wins in the long run because she doesn’t spew everywhere. 

8. Bonham was just released from jail, but she still won’t tell you why. You and her are hanging out with Kevin and Tom one day when Kevin grabs her around the waist and kisses her neck and says, “You’re mine.” She doesn’t even look him in the eye and says, “I’m on probation right now so I belong to the state of Colorado.” How do you, Tom, and Kevin respond? What do you think she did?

Kevin pouts, “You’re no fun.”

Me: What did you do?”

Tom: Yeah, what did you do that you got probation. 

I think she got into a fight and punched out a guy and I’m right. The news is all over this because of how famous our band is. 

9. You and Tom and Kevin are waiting for Bonham to get off work so you can all go out. She gets home and promptly collapses on the couch, her head in Kevin’s lap, and groans. “What’s your deal?” Tom asks. “I just moved 3500 pounds of tile almost singlehandedly, I am not in the mood for your shit today.” She groans again. How do you and Kevin respond? How does Tom react? How does the evening go?

Me: Ok, well, Tom and I’ll go home. You seem like you need rest. 

Bons (Struggling to get up): No, I can go out. 

Kevin: Are you sure, honey? We can stay in so you can relax?

She groans as she tries to get up. 

Tom: That’s it! I’m ordering takeout. We’ll watch a movie here. 

We get Chinese takeout and eat it while watching a comedy. It’s a pretty good night. 

10. Your band (+ Kevin and Tom) are helping out a local high school with their spring musical since Bonham wrote it and it features songs from all of your bands. On the first day when you get there, you’re admiring the set when the theatre director says to one of the students, “Nicole, will you show these fine folks around? I’ve got to take roll.” A student comes up to you and says, “Hi, I’m Nicole, I’m playing the lead in this–whoa, you have some massive tits.” She’s staring at Bonham, and she said it really loud, so now the whole auditorium full of teenagers are staring. How does Bonham react? What do you and your band and Kevin and Tom say? How does sitting in on rehearsal go?

Bonham blushes a bit but ignores the comment. 

Kevin: You bet she does! 

Which makes Bons blush more. 

Tom: Kevin! There are teenagers present. Shut up. 

I roll my eyes. 

Linus(to the student): That was very rude of you. You should apologize. 

Sean is in the bathroom 

Erik: Jesus, Linus. It was an accident, relax. 

The student apologizes profusely. Us sitting in doesn’t go too bad.

11. Bonham and some guy friends of hers are helping to remodel yours and Tom’s new house. They’re offloading tile from the truck when she picks up a box and drops it on her hand, and you hear a crunching sound. She moves the box to where it goes, takes off her glove (she’s turned away so you can’t see what her hand looks like), and you see her hands start to shake. She puts it back on and they keep offloading, but at one point one of her friends stops her and says, “Are you in pain?” “No,” she says back and grabs another box. Her friend takes the box from her, puts it down, and then grabs her arm before she can pick up another one. “Bull. Shit. I can see it on your face. What did you do?” “I dropped a box of tile on my hand.” “How bad is it?” Her friend asks and takes off her glove just as you and Tom walk up to see what’s up. The glove hits the ground and the friend gasps. “I could have kept going if you didn’t insist on seeing my hand.” Bonham says. What does her hand look like? What does the friend say? How do you and Tom react? What do you all do next?

It looks really bad most likely broken. 

Friend: Jesus. 

I push my way in holding baby Chrissy, “Let me see. Christ Bons, I’m taking you to the hospital.” I hand Chrissy to Tom and take Bons to the car while Tom gets the kids in the back seat. 

Bons: I don’t have to go. 

Tom: Bullshit, You’re in pain we can see it and it looks like you broke your hand. 

Cassie: Is auntie Bons gonna be ok?

Me: She will be once we get her to the doctor. 

_____________________

1) Your singer brings you, Kevin, and Randy around to meet her friends and while introducing them, her friend Ash comes up to Kevin. Your singer introduces them and Ash goes, “You look like the love child of Gene Wilder and Will Ferrell.” How do you, Randy, your singer, and Kevin respond?

2) You, Kevin, Randy, and your singer are sitting on the couch. Your singer gets up to get a soda and Kevin goes, “Yo, get me a soda.” Randy asks, “Can you get me a soda, please?” Your singer comes back out with two and hands one to Randy, “Randy, you know you’re adorable and a sweetheart?” How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

3) You and Kevin come back to you and your singer’s apartment to find her sitting on the couch. You ask her how her day went and she responds, “I have realized I am a very boring person. I spent the last eight hours watching a documentary series on the nineties.” How do you and Kevin respond?

4) You and your singer are waiting for her sister to get dressed before going black Friday shopping. She comes out in cropped jeans and a tucked in black t-shirt, and vans. Your singer gives one look at her and goes, “You look like Jackie Kennedy.” How do you and your singer’s sister respond?

5) You and your singer are sitting at the kitchen table working on homework. Randy and Kevin come back to your apartment from practice and your singer says to Kevin, “I know what’s wrong with you.” “What?” “Your adolescent egocentrism never left. That’s why you’re so annoying.” How do you, Kevin, and Randy respond?

6) You and Kevin are with Tom, your singer, Cassie, Sam, and Chrissy in Disney World. As you’re walking you hear Kevin mumble, “Absolutely not, absolutely not.” Under his breath and you turn around to see Tigger pull Kevin into a hug. How does he respond and what do you, your singer, Tom, Cassie, and Sam say?

7) You, your singer, Kevin, and Tom are on a road trip. One night, your singer is driving and it’s very dark. You’re in the middle of the woods. All of a sudden the car starts to make crazy noises and you ask what’s wrong when your singer pulls over. Your singer goes, “I think we’ve got a flat tire.” She screams to the back, “KEVIN! TOM! GET UP.” They both jump and she goes, “We have a flat tire you guys are gonna have to help me.” How do Tom and Kevin respond and how does changing the tire go?

8) You, Tommy, Nikki, and your singer are sitting doing work in your singer’s room when all of a sudden you hear rap music being blasted from next door. Your singer sighs before going over to her record player and playing a record really loud. It soon results in a music war where both sides keep turning it up. How do you, Tommy, and Nikki respond and does your neighbor come over to tell you to shut up?

9) You’re at dinner with your singer, Tommy, Nikki, and Kevin. Your singer gets up after dinner and goes, “I’ll see you guys in 48 hours. I’m going to lock myself in the library to write my paper.” You know she probably won’t eat or sleep during these 48 hours. How do you, Tommy, Nikki, and Kevin respond? Does she end up barricading himself in the library?

10) You, your singer, Tom, and Kevin are out on a double date. It’s going well and in the middle of dinner, Tom proposes to your singer. How does your singer react and what do you and Kevin say? Does your singer say yes?

11) You come back from class to find your singer hitting the ceiling with a brook. “What are you doing?” “Oh Tommy upstairs is having sex WAY too loudly and he woke me up from a nap so...” She goes back to banging the ceiling. Soon you hear a knock on the door and open it to find Tommy, “Hey man, can you tell your roommate to knock it off? It’s ruining the mood for Pamela and me.” Your singer pops her head in the doorway. How does she respond and what do you and Tommy say?

12) For your biopic, you decide to cover Girls Girls Girls. Crüe comes to watch the music video and when they do they all stop in their tracks. You and your singer are dressed how you were when you were in their music video for Girls the only difference is your playing bass with Erik which makes the bass extra heavy. You knock the song out of the park and afterwards, your singer goes to Crüe and Tom, “So what did you think?” Tommy screams, “You two look so fucking hot. Why did you ever stop dressing like that?” Vince screams, “Yeah! The things I want to do to you two...” Your singer screams, “Vince keep your erection in your pants.” How do you, your band, Tom, and Crüe respond?

@osbournebemydaddy your turn Bons :)

[whoscraigmurray]

Here’s something fun to take the attention off of me and the minor shitstorm I’ve created. It’s supposed to be for RPers but whatever.

1) Are you really ready for 111 questions? Yes

2) Where are you taking this test at? My couch 3) Was your last real relationship a mistake? I don’t want to call it a mistake because it’s what I needed at the time. But he did stalk and threaten me after we broke up, so it’s complicated. 4) Who did you last say “I love you” to? The followers on a blog I archived today. 5) Do you regret it? Nah, they’re chill 6) Have you ever been depressed? Always have been, always will be. 7) Are you a boy or girl? No. 8) Do you have a job? Yes, but I don’t get paid for it. 9) What is your relationship status? Sad 10) How do you want to die? In my sleep, please. I’m so afraid of death. 11) What did you last eat? Nutella straight out of the jar because #6. 12) Played any sports? I used to play soccer and baseball. Also used to do dance and marching band, but those aren’t always considered sports. 13) Do you bite your nails,? I can’t because I wear Invisalign. 14) When was your last physical fight? Never 15) Do you have an attitude? Depends on my mood 16) Do you like someone? No 17) What is your real name? Miranda or Kai (I go by both) 18) What is the background of your computer screen? Sort of a galaxy thing 19) Are you gonna get high later? Never 20) Do you hate anyone at the moment? Not specifically. But I mean, I guess there are some people I always hate. 21) Do you miss someone? Yup. 22) Twirl or cut your spaghetti? Twirl. 23) Do you tan a lot? I usually burn, but I have a pretty sweet t-shirt tan this summer. 24) Have any pets? No 25) How exactly are you feeling?! Incredibly depressed but excited for tonight’s episode 26) Ever eaten food in a car while someone or yourself is driving? Yes 27) Ever made out in the bathroom? No. Ew, bathrooms are gross. 28) Would you take any of your exes back? Eh? Probably not? 29) Are you afraid of spiders? No 30) Would you go back in time if you were given the chance? Sure, but not like back to high school or anything like that 31) Do you regret anything from your past? I regret all of my past. 32) What are your plans for this weekend? Getting ready for work next week 😑 33) Do you want to have kids? Yes! 34) Did you ever kiss someone whose name starts with an M? Yup 35) Do you type fast? Eh 36) Do you have piercings? No 37) Want any more? Any more what? 38) Can you spell well? Yes. My parents are both editors. It’s in my blood. 39) Do you miss anyone from your past? Yeah 40) What are you craving right now? seeing Joe on tv again 41) Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeah, a lot in middle school 42) Have you ever been to jail? I’ve brought kids there to teach them to stay out of trouble. So clearly, no, I’m not the jail type. 43) Have you ever been on a horse? Yeah, and it scared the shit out of me. 44) Kissed someone in a pick up truck? Yes 45) Have you ever broken someone’s heart? ..Yeah but like...I feel really bad about it. 46) Have you ever been cheated on? No 47) Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Not in front of me, but yes 48) What time is it currently? 6:44 PM at the time I’m writing this question 49) Would you live with someone without marrying them? Sure 50) What should you be doing? Laundry 51) What’s irritating you right now? Most things 52) Have you ever liked someone so much that it hurts? Is there any other way to like someone? 53) Does somebody love you? My parents? 54) What is your favorite color? Black 55) Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle? Yeah 57) Do you have trust issues? My issue is too much trust 58) You are over halfway done with this. Are you sure you want to continue? Why not 59) Do you have any siblings? No 60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Extremely! 61) Do you live with anyone? My parents because I’m a college student with no money. 62) Do you believe your most recent ex thinks about you? Way too much. 63) Who was the last person you cried in front of? I think my best friend a few weeks ago  64) Do you give out second chances too easily? Depends on the situation 65) Is it easier to forgive or forget? Forgive 66) Is this year the best year of your life? Probably the worst 67) What was your childhood nickname? Must I share my embarrassing childhood? 68) Have you ever walked outside completely naked? No 69) What is your motto in life? “Stay afraid, but do it anyway.” - Carrie Fisher 70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason? I try to 71) What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? Read Star Wars fanfiction 72) Do you have a best friend? I have 2 - one from school and one from high school 73) What is bothering you? Humans and depression 74) Have you ever been out of your country? Yeah 75) Do you play the Wii? Occasionally *churns the butter* 76) Are you listening to music right now? Just in my head 77) Do you like Chinese food? Yeah, but only from the right places 78) Do you know your fathers b- day? Yes 79) Are you afraid of the dark? I guess so 80) Is cheating ever okay? That’s a complicated answer. 81) Are you mean? Not on purpose 82) Can you keep white shoes clean? I can’t keep black shoes clean 83) What was the last song you listened to? Same Drugs by Chance The Rapper 84) Do you believe in true love? Yes 85) What are you currently wearing? All black clothes 86) What do you wear to bed? Gym shorts/pajama pants and a baggy t-shirt 87) What is the weather like right now? Raining 88) Do you like the outside? No 89) Are you currently bored? Yes 90) Do you wanna get married? Desperately 91) Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you baby? I guess so? I prefer babe because it sounds less... like a child. 92) Are you hungry? No but I want to eat 93) Have you ever made out for more than a half hour straight? Unfortunately 94) What makes you happy? IJ, Star Wars, working with kids, music, theater 95) Would you change your name? I changed it to Kai 👌 96) Ever been to Alaska? No 98) Do you watch the news? Nightly 99) What’ s your zodiac sign? Aries 100) Do you like Subway? It’s okay. I once ate there every night for like a month though because my kitchen was getting remodeled, so bad memories. 101) Would it be hard to kiss the last person you kissed? He’d probably kill me first. That’s not even a joke. 102) Your best friend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Happened. I said nothing and moved on, and we’re still best friends. 103) Do you talk like your friends? I talk like whoever I’m around 104) What do you plan to do with the rest of your day? Eat, shower, and watch IJ 105) Have you ever seen someone you knew & purposely avoided them? Lots of times. 106) Do you have a friend of the opposite sex who you can act your complete self around? Yeah, a few 107) who was the last person of the opposite sex you talked to? One of the volunteers at work 108) Does it matter if your boyfriend/girlfriend smokes? I wouldn’t prefer it 109) Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? My best friend 110) Favorite lyrics right now? “How does it feel? Well, it feels like I’m on fire.” - Pierce the Veil