#whopper button

[malcolmreeds]

happy 24th anniversary to don beveridge’s customerization seminar!

[mcflymemes]

PROMPTS FROM REDLETTERMEDIA *  assorted lines from their youtube videos, adjust as necessary

jimmy fallon? the only thing he should host is a parasite.

is he some kind of secret asshole?

well, that was a success.

i may have gone a bit too far in a few places.

i'm a top. clearly.

you can get stabbed with a medieval sword!

it would suck to have to replace me.

look at this fucking shit!

three terrible things happened to us.

that's probably because of your face.

if i had that shirt... i would be so ashamed.

there's a lot going wrong there.

i think it's pretty obvious that the one thing a guy wants is sex.

he said he wanted to make us suffer.

how can i make real friends?

i know. it's unfortunate, but this is the way it has to be.

it's a fucking circle!

they're doing their best.

push the whopper button.

don't show weakness!

i'm never going outside again.

that's the strangest thing anyone's ever said to me.

oh fuck, that was my tooth.

fuck my life.

it can never be undone.

how embarrassing.

we've had success on a level that's not been seen.

it's stylistically designed to be that way.

oh my god, i want to punch this movie.

how can i get naked real fast?

we don't know what the fuck this is.

you ever put your hand in a bucket of muck?

people watch movies on their fucking phones now.

it's cool to say you're a nerd, but it's still not cool to be a nerd.

oh my god, what's wrong with your face?

baby jesus is an asshole.

it's ironic, because i have no manners!

true evil never dies. it is only reborn.

i can finally find out what happened in my early childhood.

let's see what's going to kill us slowly.

the nunchucks are actually gun-chucks.

what did you think of benedict cabbagepatch?

oh yeah, i fucking love star wars.

everything's a knife.

i was just thinking about beating somebody's head in with the back end of a rifle.

where's my check?

this is not staged. i want to reiterate that.

i hope she falls down the stairs.

you ain't all that and a bag of potato chips.

i'm not surprised. it is very phallic.

take that, patriarchy!

what i'm saying is that you don't run to a toilet to fart.

that was funny... wasn't it?

was that gunshots?

are you ready to salvage this evening?

you get away from me! i'm tired of your shit!

what is the fuck?

it's like opening a wonka bar.

how many times have i said that before?

you know more about this model than i do.

that's pretty mean of you to say.

give us something. give us something!

it's like poetry. it rhymes.

he has a fucking medieval sword!

no one remembers what's on this shelf.

this shirt is fucking awesome and you can't handle it.

[warringwarrioridiot]

"They was asking for it"

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ASKING FOR?? A BIG FAT BASEBALL BAT TO THE BACK OF THE SKULL AT FULL SPEED MAX ISTG

Mfs like this need to take a long walk off of a short cliff cus if I EVER catch them I'm gonna commit some good old fashion homicide.

If you say things like "You should've enjoyed it" or "at least you got some" I'm tracking your IP and shoving ten cacti in your anal hole and/or vagina.

"game is game 🤪"

You need to shut your ketchup stain, Junkrat main, micro brain, aluminium chain, ankle sprain, CHOCOLATE RAIIIIN, with your runny nose dirty toes lick hobos cOwAbUnGa BrOs, Dude, I want you to look at your entire life. All your life choices. And tell me when you had an original idea in your brain. Your ass got kicked out and disowned and you started aggressively tapping the home button on your IPhone "Oh, help. Why is it not working?". YOUR ENTIRE EXISTENCE IS LIKE A NARUTO FILLER EPISODE, MY BOY! YOUR PRANKS ARE AS REPETITIVE AS THE AD "Whopper, Whopper, Whopper, Whopper" YOUR BRAIN IS JUST AS REAL AS THE LOVE YOUR PARENTS HAVE FOR YOU! YOUR GRANDMA GAVE BLING BLING BOY A LAP DANCE FOR PAY DAY. Wait hold on! *Punch punch punch* GIVE ME THE MONEY YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST ROBBED YOUR GRANDMA! I JUST HIT A LICK ON YOUR GRANDMA, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?! SHE POOR AS HELL NOW! YOU PUT A BALLOON ON YOUR HEAD AND THOUGHT IT WAS A DURAG! YOU LIKE RONALD MCDONALD FROM OHIO! "HEYA KID! YOU WANT A BIG MAC?!" WHEN YOU WALK DOWNSTAIRS YOUR WHOLE HOUSE STARTS RUMBLING! YOU BRING THE POWER OF EREN YEAGER AND 37 COLOSSAL TITANS DOWN YOUR STAIRCASE! AFTER YOU EAT DINNER YOU EAT THE PLATE AND THEN YOU EAT THE TABLE AS WELL! CHOMP CHOMP! YOU RENT OUT THE GAP BETWEEN YOU TEETH AS A PARKING SPACE FOR ANTS! YOU LOOK EMO ASF "CUT MY LIFE INTO PIECES! THIS IS MY LAST RESORT! SUFFOCATION! NO BREATHING!" LOOK AT YOUR NOSE YOU HAVE TWO MARIO PIPES COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD! YAHOO! LET'S A GO! THEY MADE A SEQUEL TO FINDING NEMO BASED OFF YOUR ASS CALLED "LOCATING CHROMOSOMES! IN THEATRES THIS JULY!" YOUR BEST FRIEND IS A RAT LIVING UNDER YOUR BED IN A PRINGLES CAN! YOU POSTED AN INSTAGRAM STORY ABOUT A JAMAICAN CRICKET GIVING YOU A LAP DANCE IN THE BACK OF TOYS R US! YOU TORTURED AN ANT BY TYING HIM TO YOUR BUTTHOLE AND FARTING ON HIM! I HAVE MORE ROASTS YOU KNOW! YOUR GRANDMA IS A DARK SOULS BOSS CALLED "THE WRINKLE!

EW NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO THERE IS NO WAY! THAT THIS... OLD ASS FART WRINKLE IS TALKING TO ME IN SUCH A DISRESPECTFUL MANNER. YOU KNOW IT'S ACTUALLY KINDA SAD YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO BE A GRANDPA NOW BUT INSTEAD OF ADVANCING YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHAIN YOU'VE INSTEAD SPENT YOUR DAYS ALONE IN YOUR ROOM READING HITLER MANIFESTOS AND COSPLAYING AS A FUCKIN' NEO NAZI. SO MANY YEARS AND SUCH LITTLE ADVANCEMENT. No seriously! Seriously I find it amusing THAT YOUR PENCIL PENIS DONKEY KONG BARREL BUILT LOOKIN' ASS WOULD ASSUME THAT I EVEN REMOTELY CARE ABOUT A SINGLE ONE. NO NO NO FUCK THAT. A SINGLE SYLLABLE OF THE VERBAL DIARRHEA GARGLE THAT'S COMING OUT OF THE DUSTY SARLAC PIT YOU CONSIDER TO BE YOUR FUCKING MOUTH! YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU MY FACE?? YOU WANNA SEE MY FUCKIN' FACE??? BITCH SHOW ME YOUR FUCKIN' HAIRLINE CAUSE I KNOW THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE SPEAKING TO ME RIGHT NOW DRESSED UP AS A GOD DAMN DIABOLICAL BOY SCOUT. NAH LOOK AT THEM TEETH. BOY YOUR TEETH IN CREATIVE MODE. HELL NAH BOY STOP PLAYING YOU TOO OLD FOR THIS SHIT. BRO THEY GOT FOSSIL RECORDS FOR EACH ONE OF YOUR FAT ROLLS. NAH STOP PLAYING WITH ME BOY I CAN'T TAKE YO ASS SERIOUSLY WHEN YOU DRESS UP LIKE A GODDAMN MEDIEVAL TERRORIST. BRO IS ABOUT TO SHOOT UP HIS OLD FOLKS HOME WITH A CROSSBOW AND A FUCKING TREBUCHET. YA YEET DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM DOM! SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP. WHAT THE FUCK? A HE AHHH EEEEE SHUT UP BITCH. YOU WANT ME TO TURN ON MY CAMERA? YO DICK BUILT LIKE A INVERTED BANANA. YO FOREHEAD CRACKED UP LIKE THE AFRICAN SAVANNAH. I CAUGHT YOU AND YO SISTER BUTT NAKED LAST NIGHT. SWEET HOME ALABAMA. FUCK YOU THINK THIS IS? WHAT IS YOU WEARING WITH YO GODDAMN HONEY WHERE IS MY SUPER SUIT? NAH BOY LOOK AT YO ROOM, YO HOUSE DIRTY AS HELL. YOU GOT FOUR SEWER RATS IN YO BATH TUB RIGHT NOW FLOATING ON TOP OF A PIZZA BOX SINGING. "YO HO THIEVES AND BEGGARS". LIKE SHIT, BOY I CAUGHT YOU HAVING AN EMOTIONAL CONVERSATION WITH YO TOE NAIL LAST NIGHT. WE COULD'VE BEEN SUPER STARS REMEMBER WHEN WE AS JACKING CARS. YOU AND YO TOE NAIL WAS GOING TO BE THE DYNAMIC DUO. BITCH YOU WAS GONNA BE IN AMERICA'S GOT TALENT SWINGING THAT SHIT AROUND LIKE A FUCKING BOOMERANG. SHUT YO STUPID ASS UP. BRUH I CAUGHT YOU JACK SPARROW RUNNING AROUND YOUR HOUSE WHILE YOUR DAD WAS TRYING TO BEAT YOU WITH A TOILET PLUNGER LAST NIGHT. COME HERE BOY! SHUT YO ASS UP. BITCH EVERYTIME YOU TAKE A SHIT THE GAME OF THRONES THEME SONG STARTS PLAMMERING IN YO HOUSE.BUM BUA BUM BUDUM BUM. SHUT YO UGLY ASS UP BRUH.

Are you getting mad?

Are you getting mad?

DAMN You getting mad now! Cuz yo Legal name is Ledenhouser Strogenberg. Nah don't be Smiling now boy You ain't slick Boy! I caught you in the locker room after gym class Frantically wiping yo armpits down With a kleenex While tryna smell good For the girls In the hallway. OI ZOINKS! I GOTTA- I GOTTA HURRY UP. SHUT YO ASS UP YOU LIKE A DIABETIC TOASTER STRUDEL. YOU UGLY AHH AS HELL. YOU GOT THEM BIG ASS HUMPTY DUMPTY PANTS ON BRUH. YOU USE A FRUIT ROLL UP AS A BELT TO HOLD UP YO BUNG DU BUNGLA. Shut yo ugly Ass up You got Mineral deposits In your Belly button. You dumb As hell You thought Google drive Was a brand new Taxi service. Bitch yo Grandma Threw a Rage spell On the kitchen floor And started Smacking you with A weiner schnitzel. Shut yo ass up You a Diabolical Special needs Student. Boy you was In the back of a Short bus Maniacally Planning How you was gonna Take over Your school.HMMMMM YEAHHHHHHHHHH It will be MINE! Shut yo Ass up, Boy I caught you Butt Naked Playing gorilla tag With a mouse in your Kitchen. Yo ass Be sliding around The counters Like a paraplegic Frozone. Gotta Catch 'em ALL! Shut yo ass up With yo "I got a feeling Ooooooooo!" Everytime yo Grandpa Tickles yo Butthole. Shut yo Stupid ass up You thought the One chip challenge Was sticking a Hot cheeto Up your buttcrack. Ok! Here we go Everybody! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Shut yo Dirty ass up Get yo ass on bruh.

It's actually so fucking sad these people still exist in 2024.

Istg misogynists and forced birth extremists and rapists are the most atrociously ugliest love-lacking idiots.

Image ref:

I rest my fucking case, your honor. Kill every single one of these people before I do it myself.

[bauman-jay]

25 years of Whopper Button

[wavy-gorl]

did not realize there was a community for this, but this is the internet i should've known

hi i was born with a cleft soft and hard palate, i didn't have a cleft lip or anything else (still tagging this because i wanna reach anyone who understands), my mom told me that i also have the thing where you have a really small chin combined with a cleft palate but i don't remember the name of the condition

i've like literally never been able to talk to anyone else who's had one and i mean my friends all know about it and i love them, but like they don't fully understand bc they haven't experienced it, you know how it is

but uh yeah i've always felt really weird labeling myself as like disabled or anything like that because i've always felt like my cleft palate wasn't enough but honestly my entire life has kinda revolved around it so i feel like i should

here's the part where i'm going to dump in a list all of my super specific experiences in hopes that someone will relate because i am so serious when i say that i've never talked to someone who relates before:

tw: idk medical stuff, ed mentioned (arfid specifically), mildly graphic i guess (just complaining about medical stuff i've had to deal with)

i've had 11 surgeries (feeding tube, adenoids removed, palate repairs, and ear tubes)

i have this sick as fuck second belly button and honestly sometimes i forget that most people only have one and i have to do a double take when i see other people's boring abdomens

i have a list of foods that i cannot eat because they taste like general anesthesia (including but not limited to: whoppers, onion rings, cranberry juice, blue candy hearts, and wintergreen life savers)

i was diagnosed with arfid recently, but i've had it my entire life because i had a feeding tube for the first year of my life and so i just cannot handle most food textures

i have really bad social skills and low self-esteem because i got bullied when i was younger because people couldn't understand me because my voice was really weird, this got better with surgeries but it didn't fix my lack of social skills

I HATED SPEECH THERAPY, like 14 years of it did not make s sounds easier to pronounce

i need hearing aids but i can't get them because i have holes in my ears and extreme drainage, but the holes are good because they allow my ears to drain but the fact that there's drainage is still bad and ahhhhhh

i'm 19 but i still have to go back and forth between the children's hospital and the regular one when it comes to palate stuff and it's honestly annoying sometimes (everyone's nice though so it's fine)

eating is awful because nose stuff i don't want to go into detail but iykyk (don't make me laugh while eating)

i don't have a uvula and when people find out, it's suddenly the most interesting fact they know about me and i don't get it

not even i know my full medical history it is so incredibly complex

i have a collection of my wristbands

the worst fucking thing in the world was the stupid nasal endoscopy, like early covid brain-poking tests were fucking nothing compared to that stupid camera going up my nose

mouth breathing

i have random vocal/breathing tics (i guess tic is the right term?) and they are annoying but yeah

every goddamn time i went to the orthodontist, he would always say every FUCKING TIME "don't let your mom tell you that you have a big mouth because i'm here to tell you otherwise" LIKE I GET IT

when i got my teeth pulled, the laughing gas didn't work because 1.) that shit's so weak and 2.) i had to breathe it in through my nose exclusively (mouth breathing point), but they didn't believe me and went along with the procedure anyway and after experiencing that, hell has nothing on me

my role model growing up was lentil bean, the cleft palate dog

the only piece of media i ever related to was Wonder, but even that one contributed to me feeling like i hadn't gone through enough to consider my cleft palate a big deal

i am a musician (singer and percussionist) but i can't breathe, hear, or speak properly and so i bet you can imagine how hellish that is

i had to quit dance when i was younger because i kept missing entire seasons because of my surgeries (since recovery was like 4 weeks sometimes) and i really wish that i didn't have to

ok yeah that's all i can think of please someone relate to me god please

[kageito-gotchi]

ALRIGHT!!! HERE'S A WHOPPER!

Ah gee thhaanks it's not like I have a FEED button that can actually feed me--

[absentcaryatid]

Jongho's Package

An ATEEZ fanfic by AbsentCaryatid

The gender neutral reader is not the only one in the neighborhood impressed with the size of Jongho's package.

1.7K words, Content note: gender neutral reader, fluffy developing romance, innuendo, food mention

~

It was frankly embarrassing how much you stared as Jongho came down the path to your house. Without meaning to, you could not tear your eyes away from the size of his package. Catching the curtain move at your neighbor's second-story window, it was clear she too had been looking. The suspicion was confirmed as you heard her mutter under her breath through the screened window, “What a whopper.”

She was not the only one to think so. Minutes earlier, as you waited by your own open window listening in anticipation of his arrival, neighborhood chatter had drifted to your ears once Jongho's truck had pulled up. One woman was overheard to admire, “Those tight shorts, the way they cling....”

Standing for the best view, you watched one lady elbow her nearest companion cautioning, “Don't gawk, but do you see the size of his package?”

Another neighbor noted his strong arms and how good he looked in the work uniform with a handsome face to match the toned body. Completing the outfit, he was the only delivery person to wear a tie with his button up shirt, but Jongho made it work.

On his rounds, he regularly heard their discussions as he would bend or squat while performing his duties. People were never as subtle as they thought admiring his flexing muscles, but Jongho didn’t mind. There was something of a showman in him who enjoyed putting on a performance, as long as that’s all it was.  

Easily hefting the gigantic box from the tailgate despite the dimensions, Jongho laughed in the way that always went straight to your heart as his eyes closed briefly from the effort. In his usual routine, he then began to sing as he made his way to your door.

Look at you, look at you, look at you Looking like a daydream On my mind, on my mind, on my mind, on my mind Monthly, weekly, nightly and daily If I'm falling, baby, don't blame me

Immediately you recognized this one as 'Blame Me' by Monsta X. Jongho had been singing a lot of their songs lately and they had become a favorite group of yours thanks to his impromptu performances. Hearing that beautiful voice come down the walk, you had raced downstairs to greet him and waited with the door open wide.

Jongho had built his company from the ground up, and it continually awed you he could still be found making deliveries even though he had a fleet of employees zipping around your city at all hours. When it was commented on, he always said it was important to show he was not above what he was asking others to do and you found that humble attitude attractive.

As Jongho arrived at your door, he interrupted the song to ask in wonder, “What did you order this time anyway? This is gigantic!” His voice carried from behind the package with only fingers, bare shins, and sensible but still dressy shoes visible. Apparently he found them at a dance store where looks combined with maximum comfort to stand up to the rigors of his job.

Once his burden was set down, you too had the chance to admire Jongho up-close, heart-melting smile included. Friends for years, he had known you since preschool. Your mom had often babysat for his family when his parents were away for sports competitions. While his younger brother was better known in the larger region due to his nationally ranked archery wins, Jongho did well enough locally as a small business owner recognized throughout your neighborhood.

You had always felt close, and had danced around each other for years but nothing had ever come of it, at least not yet. Often reserved, it was difficult to gauge his interest and you did not want to press. It was your senior year of high school together when you first realized how much you liked him, and your crush had only gotten stronger the older he became.

Today was definitely one of those days where it was a lot of work to keep from ogling your friend. Finally you shook yourself out of a love-struck stupor and remembered his question. “I ordered eighty lawn flamingos and did not think about how much space it would take up before I unboxed them,” you marveled. “Do you mind bringing it inside?” Always agreeable, he nodded and you thought to offer, “Need help with that?”

“Oh no I can handle it, I’ve had bigger. You should’ve seen what I gave your neighbor last week,” he admitted with a conspiratorial wink as he passed into the house.

The way your face heated at the innuendo was something you did not want to let on, so you quickly changed the subject. “Want to stay for lunch today?”

Jongho shrugged, “Gotta check with the boss.”

He did this every time and it never failed to make you laugh.  You really must have it bad for him.

“Okay, yeah, I decided I can have lunch with you. Best meals I have ever had, so of course I would not pass up the opportunity.” It would only be canned soup and a simple sandwich like usual, but Jongho always made it sound like gourmet food. You had yet to realize he was drawn far more by the company than the lunch itself.

When your time together was over, your mutual goodbyes at the door lingered far longer than you would have suspected for such a busy man with a schedule to keep. The awkwardness of neither side wishing for the informal date to be over was interrupted by your neighbor. With a voice that carried out the window, she declared she could not take it anymore. “How dense can you two be? He only sings on deliveries to you. Love songs!”  

You froze. Did Jongho really like you as much as you felt in return? You wanted to be mad at her interference, but could not be if she truly was helping you both along. Still, you were mortified. “I'm so sorry about my neighbor. You remember her grandson Jung Wooyoung in the grade above us? Now that he is partnered with his boyfriend Hongjoong she has taken to fixing everybody else up.”

Wooyoung's grandmother piped up again. “The whole neighborhood already thinks you’re sleeping together on these extra-long stops of his, but I know you two haven’t figured it out yet. Get on with it!”

Jongho chuckled nervously while your eyes went wide. “Sorry,” you said, “you know how old people can speak their mind even when they don’t know what they’re talking about.”

“Well,” Jongho fiddled with his hands, “I think in her case it’s genetic because Wooyoung turned out exactly the same.” Your shared laughter helped break the tense mood. Closing his eyes, he placed a hand over his heart and took in a calming breath. “She isn't wrong about me though. Your development is the only one I deliver to just so I have an excuse to see you. Our lunches together mean the world to me.”

Your jaw dropped. You really had been unaware the admiration was mutual. Honesty was the best policy at this point to make sure Jongho knew his feelings were reciprocated. As long as the situation of being clued in by Wooyoung's grandmother was so embarrassing, you figured it could not possibly get any worse. You were pretty sure of a good reaction to your news. “Most of what I order could be purchased in town, but I have loved seeing you so often that I buy mostly online just to have you come by.” Now it was your turn to be shy and your voice quieted to frustrate your busybody neighbor. “You need to know, I have had a crush on you since our senior year.”

Jongho looked relieved as he softly answered, “Me too.” In a confession that would have felt far too forward from anyone else, he also informed you, “I have it so bad for you, the few times you have had to sign for a package I’ve been daydreaming you are signing the marriage registry with me.”

With a hand to your mouth in shock, his frankness brought an admission of your own. “Meanwhile I like to imagine you’re my husband coming home from shopping with boxes of things to decorate our house together.”

The answering smile on Jongho's face let you know it was more than welcome news. Things moved swiftly from that point on. There were dinner dates and even a Monsta X concert. Your internet purchases slowed now that you had more typical reasons to see your boyfriend. In time, things became more serious leading to some dramatic changes in your lives.

It caught you by surprise when the doorbell rang. There stood Jongho with a package in hand, smiling away. Greeting him with a kiss you asked, “What are you even doing here? You live here now. There is no need to drop off something in the middle of the day.”

Jongho grinned, “I miss the visits we used to have over lunchtime.”

Laughing, you noted, “But I just saw you at breakfast today.”

“Tired of me already?”

“Of course not.” If you thought you had been besotted with Jongho before discovering years of unacknowledged mutual pining, it had been something else to learn how much more you could adore him now that you saw each other all the time. He knew it too and basked in your love. It was clear his question had only been teasing.

Absentmindedly stroking the head of one of the flamingos lining the walk, Jongho coyly disclosed, “Anyway, I’m not here for lunch.”

“You're not?”

“No. As long as I already had a reputation in the neighborhood for noontime quickies, I thought I might as well take advantage of the opportunity.”

Pulling him in by his tie, the door was quickly closed behind him and you spent a delightful afternoon with your partner.

~

Jongho Masterlist

General Masterlist

[grigori77]

2022 in TV - My Top 10 Shows

10.  THE UMBRELLA ACADEMY (season 3, Netflix)

The lovable and deeply weird adaptation of My Chemical Romance frontman Gerard Way’s epic mindfuck of a cult comic book from showrunner Steve Blackman (Bones, Fargo, Altered Carbon) has pulled off a particularly impressive feat, managing to drop THREE essentially perfect seasons of TV in a row without ANY signs of flagging in quality, pace or sheer sense of fun.  After the bonkers time-travel shenanigans of the first two seasons, things in the timeline have REALLY gone to pot, and now the gloriously dysfunctional Hargreaves siblings have got a truly diabolical enemy to deal with, namely the Sparrow Academy, a far superior group of superpowered oddballs that were trained by their adoptive father, Sir Reginald Hargreaves (Colm Feore), when he discovered what a “massive disappointment” his original collection of inexplicable orphans would become.  Worse still is the fact that one of them is a new, far more unpleasant version of their late brother Ben (After Yang’s Justin Min), who instantly takes a personal set against them … absolutely bonkers and enjoyably irreverent, this show remains as unrepentantly mad as ever, with the entire cast shining throughout, although once again Robert Sheehan effortless steals every scene as louchely nihilistic clairvoyant Klaus.  Extra kudos of course have to go to the show for allowing Elliot Page to transition as his character goes from Vanya to Viktor, although we should also thank Netflix for seeing the good sense in picking it up for one more season after this given that whopper of a cliffhanger …

9.  OUR FLAG MEANS DEATH  (HBO Max)

One of the year’s biggest surprise hits came in the form of this riotously unique surrealist sitcom series based on the true life tale of Stede Bonnet, the gloriously flighty 18th Century Barbadian aristocrat who left his plush life of privilege and luxury in order to pursue his personal dream of becoming The Gentleman Pirate.  Problem was, he’s THE WORST pirate there ever was, a genuine embarrassment to the profession, who mostly rose to fame after he was taken prisoner by and become the object of playful amusement of the feared terror of the High Seas himself, Edward Teach, better known as Blackbeard. The undeniable highlight of this show has to be enjoying the sparkling interplay between the two leads – Rhys Darby is, as always, an unbridled delight as Bonnet, the most unflappably effervescent hopeful idiot to have ever lived, while Taika Waititi’s clearly having the time of his life presenting the most feared pirate who ever lived as a disenchanted but ultimately gentle soul who’s long since grown tired of the ferocious façade he’s had to cultivate for himself over the years.  The rest of the cast are huge fun too (none more-so than Ewen Bremner as Bonnet’s entirely bizarre first mate Buttons), while the characters and sparkling scripts crafted by showrunner David Jenkins (People of Earth) and his writing team are a veritable masterclass in how to present a perfect show about LGBTQIA folk and their daily struggles through the prism of delightful absurdist comedy.

8.  THE MIDNIGHT CLUB (Netflix)

Mike Flanagan continues his assault of sheer small screen horror brilliance with this pitch perfect (sort of) anthology series based around the tales told by a group of teenagers thrown together in Seattle’s Brightcliffe Hospice for terminally ill adolescents in the mid-90s as they attempt to deal with impending death and all the horrific emotional baggage that comes with it.  Iman Benson (Uncle Buck, Black AF) shines incredibly brightly in an astounding youthful cast as Ilonka, the desperate dreamer who’s checked in with the intention of discovering the source behind a little known cure for her thyroid cancer which may exist somewhere in the hospice, while Nightmare On Elm Street’s Heather Langenkamp is wonderfully complex as Brightcliffe’s firm-but-fair chief resident doctor Georgina, and a winning selection of Flanagan regulars show up in a variety of roles (along with the resident cast) in a variety of intriguing roles in the titular group’s cathartic late night pastime of telling each other spooky tales.  These are the undeniable highlight on offer throughout the series, covering a fascinating range of genres from mysterious whodunnits and ghost stories to time-twisting sci-fi brain-melters that never fail to impress as Flanagan gets a chance to stretch his range a bit, but the overarching storyline is intensely compelling too as we come to really care about and root for these kids.  As we’ve come to expect from his work, this is spooky, creepy and insidiously unsettling, but once again there’s as much emotional intensity on offer here as bone-deep spine-chilling terror.  Unlike the rest of his TV work to date, however, this one was CLEARLY intended to be a proper ONGOING series … so of course Netflix has gone and cancelled it. At least we’ve got his adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe’s The Fall of the House of Usher to look forward to, and he’s DETERMINED to bring Stephen King’s legendary The Dark Tower to the screen in far better style than the criminally awful 2017 movie, so there’s still hope …

7.  CYBERPUNK: EDGERUNNERS (Netflix)

Another big surprise hit sneaking in under the radar this year was this unexpected anime gem from Kill la Kill creators Studio Trigger, based on the cult tabletop RPG which spawned the troubled yet deliriously popular video game.  Anyone who knows me, of course, knows this is RIGHT UP MY STREET, I’m a total sucker for anything cyberpunk, as well as anime in general, so this was a perfect combo for me, but even so I was generally surprised by just HOW UNBELIEVABLY GOOD this actually turned out to be. It’s pretty short too – with ten episodes each clocking at around the 25-minute mark it’s pretty easy to binge in a single sitting – but thoroughly sweet, each instalment propelling the impressively robust story forward at quite the pacy clip towards a suitably explosive climax, with plenty of blistering action and compellingly dark techno-shenanigans along the way.  The real reward here, however, is the characters, a crew of dysfunctional misfits brought together over the course of the series who perfectly encapsulate the brilliantly crafted universe’s dark and dangerous criminal underworld – the central love story between teenage dropout turned cybernetically-enhanced mercenary David and born-survivor elite hacker Lucy is compellingly intense and realistically written, but the best addition here has to be hyperactive pint-sized cyber-badass Rebecca, who’s an ultraviolent delight from start to finish.  The animation is some of the very best I’ve EVER seen in anime, and the design work throughout is never less than stellar, wisely taking its lead from the impressively inventive game but still happy to carve its own path.  The end result is one of the best animated shows I’ve come across in quite some time (it’s not on Arcane’s level, but comes damn close), so it’s a shame that, since it was apparently intended to be a standalone, we’re unlikely to see any more in the future …

6.  WARRIOR NUN (season 2, Netflix)

Debuting in the middle of the Pandemic turned out to be a stroke of truly great luck for Continuum creator Simon Barry’s unique but also intrinsically challenging adaptation of Ben Dunn’s gloriously bonkers comic book Warrior Nun Areala, which became an impressive runaway hit for Netflix and made a second season inevitable.  Gods knew it quickly earned a rabid following (myself among them) who were champing at the bit for more, but shooting restrictions meant we’d have to wait a little bit … but it’s finally arrived and it is REALLY GREAT, actually IMPROVING on the previous run as we follow unlikely Warrior Nun Ava Silva (a truly spellbinding turn from the thoroughly adorable Alba Baptista) and her gang of rogue holy helpers on their quest to take down the Big Bad false messiah threatening to turn the world into hell on earth, the fallen angel Adriel (William Miller).  Along the way they get into an endlessly inventive series of scrapes, fights and misadventures that are a gleefully subversive joy to watch, but once again the real charm here is the will-they-won’t-they back-and-forth dance that continues between Ava and Kristina Tonteri-Young’s precocious but also thoroughly awkward Sister Beatrice.  Plotwise, things are tied off in a fairly neat little bow by the end of this season – albeit through an emotionally devastating climax which you definitely need to keep the tissues handy for – but even so there’s enough room for more that it’s a criminal shame that Netflix have decided to pull the plug on this one too.

5.  PEACEMAKER (HBO Max)

Whatever you might think about Warner Bros./Discovery in general regarding its current treatment of the future of the DCEU (especially after the shocking fate that befell the heavily anticipated Batgirl movie), and about filmmaker James Gunn in particular now that he’s taken over as the head honcho on the franchise itself, you can’t deny that he did a phenomenal job with this deliciously non-PC spinoff from his awesome 2021 Suicide Squad soft-reboot.  Michael Cena’s Christopher Smith was one of the film’s biggest hits, so a series following his exploits as the titular antihero was a damn smart move, the former wrestler-turned-actor once again proving what a comedic genius he is as he flexes, gurns and drops hilarious inadvertent one-liners as one of THE WORST SUPERHEROES in the entire DC Universe.  That being said, the show’s frequently stolen out from under him by Unreal and Time After Time’s Freddie Stroma, who’s even more of a blissfully awkward joy as Smith’s best friend/unwitting nemesis Adrian Chase, aka Vigilante, a ridiculously talented combat nerd who desperately wants to be a badass dark avenger like his bestie, while there are similarly game turns from Jennifer Holland and Steve Agee (both reprising their roles from The Suicide Squad) as the downtrodden ARGUS agents charged with keeping Smith under control along with Danielle Brooks’ geeky new recruit, and there’s an irreverent and perfectly scummy turn from Robert Patrick as the Peacemaker’s white supremacist supervillain father August Smith, the infamous White Dragon.  A riot from start to finish, this show is packed with over-the-top, ultraviolent action, jet black humour and an endless series of razor sharp winks, nods and homages from one of the best geek-master filmmakers in the business.  Best of all, though, has to be that STONE COLD GENIUS title sequence, choreographed to perfection to the brilliantly awful earworm Do You Wanna Taste It from irreverent Norwegian glam metal band Wig Wam, which is guaranteed to have you crying you’ll be laughing so hard.  Personally, I can’t wait for more of this one.

4.  GUILLERMO DEL TORO’S CABINET OF CURIOSITIES (Netflix)

Anyone who’s been following me long enough to know what I like should know that Guillermo del Toro is one of my favourite filmmakers of all time, I simply ADORE his work, so an anthology show of dark and disturbing horror stories shot-right-through with his irresistible geeky stylistic DNA was a no-brainer for me. ESPECIALLY since he opens every episode with an adorable intro where he presents his philosophical thoughts on what we’re about to experience in the style of Rod Serling. XD  The stories on offer, meanwhile, are an eclectic bunch, ranging from short-sharp-shock creature features to broadly satirical body horror, but there’s an impressive line in cosmic terror on offer here too, with several entries wearing del Toro’s deep-seeded Lovecraft influence on their sleeves.  They’re also consistently impressive, without a single dud in the selection, although the undeniable highlights of the whole bunch, for me, have to be the adaptations of actual Lovecraft stories, Pickman’s Model and Dreams in the Witch House, which perfectly encapsulate the author’s restless sense of endless low-key dread and horrific anticipation, with the eldritch horrors unleashed brought to deeply disturbing life through a selection of impressively palpable physical effects that’s become one of del Toro’s greatest strengths.  The production values on offer here are second to none, as is the quality of the ensemble casts and the directors bringing each story to life, which includes the likes of Vincenzo Natali (Cube, Splice), Panos Cosmatos (Mandy), Ana Lily Amirpour (A Girl Walks Home At Night) and David Prior (The Empty Man) - each filmmaker does wonders for their individual stories, showing spectacular flair and skill throughout, but every single episode still has the titular master of weird cinema’s fingerprints all over it.  Which is exactly what you want from such a wondrous tribute to one of the best visual storytellers out there right now …

3.  THE LEGEND OF VOX MACHINA (Amazon Prime)

Netflix really seems to have dominated all on the small screen this year, but Amazon have still managed to make their presence felt with one of this past year’s BEST OFFERINGS, in the form of a gleefully irreverent animated adaptation of the first Campaign of wildly successful Dungeons & Dragons-based live-play table-top RPG webcast series Critical Role. Most of my followers should already be keenly aware that I am quietly OBSESSED with the ongoing games, so when they announced this I was almost delirious in my excitement, and this first season paid off all our mad expectation MAGNIFICENTLY.  Starting out as a Kickstarter by the Crit Role gang themselves with the intention simply to make an animated special, the resulting support was SO STRONG they were able to spring for a whole series, which was then picked up for genuine syndication by Amazon, and the rest, as they say, is history … best of all, though, is the fact that, because it’s their baby, the original cast IN THEIR ENTIRETY are involved in bringing it together, from the writing to the character performances, and since they’re a collection of highly talented voice-actors they’ve done a STUNNING job here … but then THEY DO know their characters right to the bone.  Animated with EXQUISITE attention to detail by Titmouse (Metalocalypse, Star Trek: Lower Decks, Animaniacs and Pantheon among others), packed with stunning action and dark thrills and shot-through from start to finish with an infectious sense of humour, not to mention a veritable DUMPTRUCK’s worth of epic feels, this is an absolute riot from start to finish.  I’m waiting with eager anticipation for the imminent arrival of the second season, and am sublimely happy Amazon have already commissioned a third …

2.  STRANGER THINGS 4 (Netflix)

After season 4 ended in such a crazy place, with Eleven (Millie Bobbie Brown) depowered and Hopper (David Harbour) assumed dead but actually VERY MUCH ALIVE in a Siberian gulag, we were left with a hell of a lot of crazy questions, but we never had any doubt The Duffer Brothers would deliver those answers and more in style. That being said, they really pulled out ALL THE STOPS with this season, not only upping the scale to delirious levels but also massively increasing the overall runtime, which even prompted Netflix to employ a somewhat frustrating tactic of splitting the season into TWO PARTS with an entire month of waiting in-between … but at least the end result was some of the year’s most engrossing and thoroughly AWESOME television. Certainly this one packed the small screen’s biggest amount of WOW, as we’re finally given the fascinating but also thoroughly horrifying origin story to both the Hawkins Lab psychic experimentation project AND the Upside Down itself … giving away more threatens MASSIVE spoilers, but once again every aspect of the show deserves LASHINGS of praise heaped upon it, from the spectacular effects work (particularly some truly stunning prosthetic make-up work bringing the series’ ultimate Big Bad to life) to the uniformly astounding cast, with the ever-reliable returning players (particularly Brown, Harbour, Winona Ryder, Gaten Matarazzo, Sadie Sink and Joe Keery) once again doing their fair share of the heavy-lifting while the newcomers (most notably Joseph Quinn, Jamie Campbell Bower and Tom Wlaschiha) each make strong impressions going forward.  By turns thrilling, terrifying, heartfelt, funny and inventive, but always pitch-perfect in its nostalgic charm, this show continues to be one of the very best pieces of top-notch small-screen entertainment around, and I cannot wait to see what’s to come in the final season …

1.  THE SANDMAN (Netflix)

If ANYTHING was gonna beat Stranger Things to the top spot, it could only have been Neil Gaiman’s VERY hands-on adaptation of his own thoroughly beloved revolutionary cult comic book series.  Seriously, Gaiman changed the game with this title, so he was THE ONLY ONE we, the hardcore faithful, could possibly trust to bring his masterwork to life on the small screen, and after his astonishing efforts with the Good Omens show we had the utmost faith that he had the chops to pull it off.  We were not wrong … working closely with fellow showrunners David Goyer (Blade, Batman Begins) and Allan Heinberg (Grey’s Anatomy, Scandal, Wonder Woman), Gaiman has produced a series that wisely stays faithful to the original source material, essentially splitting this first season into two arcs, with the first realising Book 1 of the comic, Preludes & Nocturnes, while the second focuses on Book 2, The Doll House.  Tom Sturridge (The Boat That Rocked) was PERFECT casting as Dream of the Endless, one of a unique family of near all-powerful cosmic beings charged with the control and caretaking of various aspects of the Universe itself – Dream, obviously, rules over the province of the Subconscious, while his sister, Death (Killing Eve’s Kirby Howell-Baptiste), is pretty self-explanatory, but not at all what you’d expect.  After imprisonment for almost a century, Dream is looking to put his house back in order, but this brings him into direct conflict with various entities, including, dangerous “sorcerer” John Dee (David Thewlis), the Devil themselves, Lucifer (Gwendoline Christie), and monstrous rogue nightmare The Corinthian (a chilling performance from Boyd Holbrook), while the foundations for a far darker, more wide-reaching conspiracy are being laid by hands much closer to his heart … this adaptation is nothing short of a MASTERPIECE, Gaiman and his helpers bringing his creation to life in the most magnificent of ways in one of the most spectacular chunks of television I’ve ever had the privilege to witness.  Spellbindingly beautiful, emotionally devastating, spine-chillingly horrifying and effortlessly entertaining in equal measure, every single element of this show was brought to bear with the utmost attention to detail, and the results are nothing short of perfection.  Netflix have wisely picked it up for a second season, but we can only hope they maintain their faith in the series long enough for Gaiman to bring the entire saga to life …

Honourable mentions:

The Boys (season 3, Amazon Prime); Andor (Disney+); House of the Dragon (HBO); 1899 (Netflix); Star Trek: Strange New Worlds (Paramount+); Obi Wan Kenobi (Disney+); Reacher (Amazon Prime); Interview With the Vampire (AMC); The Man Who Fell To Earth (Showtime); Gangs of London (season 2, Sky Atlantic)*

*What can I say?  There was A LOT of great TV this past year …

[torturemytummy]

Buckle up!

Last night: there’s TWO Whoppers, a medium fry, and two cans of soda in there.

Oh, and two days worth of not being able to release any of that gurgling bloat. We’ll get to that in a minute. It was my birthday last week so my gf and I were fucking like rabbits the entirety of the week while telling each other how well we ate and her poking, prodding, and pressing on my tummy. We ate absolutely nothing but greasy fried junk food, probably close to two gallons of ice cream, and cake and Sunday night I worked late and was so hungry I ate a whole chow mein combo from a local Chinese place that made my belly sick. Really sick. I could already tell before bed that I had both eaten WAY too much and that what I ate was NOT going to make my tummy happy. As we laid down to fuck and go to bed, the gas started to shift around, vibrating against the taught skin.

So Monday I woke up with an impossibly tight churning, gassy belly full of the half-formed liquid and gas that I had to run out of bed to let flood out of my spasmnig gut. It didn’t even feel good to let out and my tummy remained bloated, achy, and even pretty nauseous as my belly demanded 4 additional trips to the bathroom that within 45 minutes.

Here’s the fun part: in that last 15 minutes of the hour, we were leaving to go with my gf’s work friends to fish for the 4th. Private pond with no bathrooms. At all. And it’s visible from the road. So I had to take my anti-nausea medication, which also causes days-long constipation, usually a solid (hehe) three days of nothing moving in my belly except intense waves of amazing, loud gas cramps ripping through me. We left a little late because I was then in the bathroom a 6th time to try to get out as much as I could.

The meds kick in pretty immediately though, maybe 20 minutes, and I could already feel things calming down at least a little. I didn’t really have an appetite until we already left, so of course my only option on the way was a grease-soaked bacon egg and cheese croissant. If it weren’t for the meds, I think I would’ve needed to go home because almost instantly as I was done eating my tummy let out a long, strained gurgle from the new gas being produced and trapped. But the pond was pretty far out, so by the time we got there, I was pretty much already just carrying around cement in my gut, not even rumbling, just a heavy, full sensation and a slow but ever-growing bloat.

The heat did not help at all and we called it a quits by about two and stopped for lunch on the way back. My gf’s friends had a little hot dog and ice cream place and I was feeling absolutely masochistic so I ordered just a medium soft serve and, inevitably, the bloat began getting tighter and tighter. I was so thankful that I didn’t let out any giant, embarrassing rumbles. When we finally got home I dashed to the bathroom again and… yes, you guessed it: absolutely nothing. Nothing at all would move out of my belly. Just a pressure that was worst right at my belly button.

The pic above is from the next day. Once again I found myself at work, desperately wishing for relief and hoping all of the moving around would help shift some things. It did not. Even walking around stained the taught muscles and skin of my abdomen.

After work I went over to a friends house who I didn’t get to see yet for my birthday. She had just baked a bunch of biscotti and I hadn’t eaten anything all day other than a vending machine danish from work, so I took probably a few more pieces than I should have. I picked up my gf and she wanted Burger King, which is how I got to this photo right before another session of my gf gently running her fingers over my tummy then slamming her palm down when she coaxes out a gurgle.

FINALLY things have started moving again today… but I’ve gone straight back to the painful slop from Monday morning. Still crampy and a little bloated this morning so I initially decided to ease up on my poor tummy, which has basically been tortured daily for over a week at this point… that is until my gf wanted to make it worse again and got me another breakfast sandwich this morning (seriously God bless my gf) so, now on my day off, I’m in bed gently trying to soothe my abused belly enough to eat my next pile of junk, probably frozen pizza or noodles. Rubbing your own tummy just isn’t the same tho 😪

[eleanor-bradstreet]

Congrats on 500 followers! It's well-earned and MUCH deserved!

So I have a song I'd love to see an Insta-Plot for, whichever character and or pairing you'd like:

I'm sure this IN NO WAY will lead to something angsty ;) Go on, let us have it!

Hello my dear friend and thank you so much! 🥰💙

Hoooo boy you know what angsty buttons to push and you picked a whopper…

Firstly, I have to acknowledge that the Polin/Bton base are hoping Take Me To Church is used as the 'dicking down in the carriage' song for Polin, and I agree it's great for that 😜 But that's due to its punchy bass and title. The actual lyrics of the song are PURE angst, and that is the playground you set me loose in. Remember...you asked for this.

I think this would be an excellent song to score Benedict's spiral into hopelessness as he searches for Sophie. The setting is regency AOFAG with some twists.

Anthony hasn't worshiped in a church since his father died. He doesn't know what kind of benevolent god would allow something like that to happen. So aside from the necessities for weddings and the like, he avoids churches. But when Benedict begins his post-masquerade quest for his Lady in Silver, he's willing to try anything...anything that may help him, and he starts visiting their local church nearly every day to pray that he finds her.

Over the course of two years, Benedict's frustrations grow and hope wanes. Even though he no longer fancies himself an artist, he is hopelessly painting image after image of the Lady in Silver. He's visiting brothels not to sleep with anyone but just to look for women who have the same hair. He's drinking himself to death. The family is growing concerned. One night Madame Delacroix finds him being an absolute mess at a party and she takes pity on him and asks him what's wrong. He tells her all about the masquerade and she reveals to him that she knows the woman - it was her friend Sophie Beckett. She worked as a maid for the Cowpers but disappeared the night of the masquerade.

Benedict has a new surge of hope. He doesn't care that Sophie's a maid, he needs to see her again. The next day he marches over to the Cowpers and asks if they know where Sophie went. Araminta doesn't actually know, but because she is vindictive and doesn't want anyone poking around in their business (namely that she and Lord Cowper stole Sophie's dowry), she lies to him and says Sophie died. Benedict is demolished. He goes home and tells Anthony how his search came to an end. He won't accept any comfort, it's as if he's lost his soul. He says a bunch of mournful and cryptic things so Anthony is on high alert.

The next morning when Benedict goes to the empty church at his typical time to 'pray for Sophie's soul', Anthony secretly follows behind to make sure he's alright. In the church Benedict has a complete breakdown, railing against god for all his unanswered prayers. Then he takes out a knife and goes to slit his wrists. Anthony runs in and stops him and Benedict crumples, sobbing into his brother's shoulder. He can't live without love. If he can't find Sophie in this world, he wants to look for her in the next one.

Anthony reminds him that he doesn't live without love. He has the love of his family and that is just as sacred. He confides to Benedict that the love of their family was the only thing that pulled him through the loss of their father. This reaches Benedict and he agrees to try and move forward. They keep the whole incident secret from the rest of the family and Anthony never leaves his brother's side for the next several weeks until he is satisfied Benedict can safely go out in the world again. Benedict gets an invitation to Phillip Cavender's party out in the country and Anthony encourages him to go - get out of London, get some fresh air and have fun. Benedict agrees. And we all know what fateful meeting will happen there…

I realized after I thought of this that it has Romeo and Juliet/Twilight: New Moon vibes. It's a classic for a reason I suppose 🤷‍♀️ Thank you for inviting me to dip a toe into some serious angst! Hopefully this isn't too traumatizing 😬💙

[to2llynottoby]

If you don't push the damn whopper button I swear to god

[skyfcx]

whopper whopper whopper whopper junior double triple whopper flame grilled taste with perfect toppers

     Dude? Tails just hammers his fist into a big red unlabeled button in his workshop and the song starts playing from a wireless speaker. (Might I add, the wireless speaker is T-Pup in case you were curious about this crucial information.) This has happened so many times that he programmed a button specifically to play the whopper meme song. That idea alone is enough to send anyone with a brain cell remaining flying from their seat.

     But clearly the fox himself is down with it, too. he's spinning around in his office chair, he's. he's flinging himself from said office chair. He's on his feet jamming over to Sonic in time to the beat of the impromptu song. There wasn't a hint of hesitation, it's almost like the duo was had practiced beforehand and was performing a flashmob to a crowd of nobody but themselves.

     When in Aquatic Ruin Zone, man. The fox certainly couldn't think of a more apt answer if you asked him.

[foreverlustfulfusion]

m!a: here is a lil magic button. if you press it, the whoppers will undo, however, everything you ate will remain. blood, bodies, all, no reversal. this applies to huntress as well. you get to control fate here. she stops being a blob, but all those guards become a part of her. choose wisely! 🌸

… my hands can’t even reach to press that , and this was mostly a poor mix of magically growing clothes and candy buttons . .

But i mean im still hot like this sooooo oh god this is hard . .

[kelliealtogether]

Make a post recommending a fic you love from at least a year ago. Dust off the archives, dig through your AO3 history and share those old fics with newer fans who might not have seen them - and the fans who’ve been around forever and might want to revisit an old fave.

This week's rec is a slow burn whopper and, in my opinion, a Pynch classic. Light With A Sharpened Edge by poetic_leopard is 144k of delightful angst and drama. Adam is a sober companion, Ronan's trying to stay sober, and it is so, so good. It's one of the first fics I remember reading front to back, hiding under the blankets until I finished it at some point in the small hours of the morning. It's that good. You won't want to stop reading.

Give it a read. Hit the kudos button. Maybe leave a comment. Show the writer some love. 💕

[scum-belina]

noah on the fence but some of y’all have never pushed the whopper button and it shows...