#why i have to fuck up every single friendship or relationship ive ever had

[unicornsaures]

yapping about the outsiders x amrev

Okay so first off, not replacing any characters, obviously. Im thinking the aides are their own seperate little group that just hang around one another. Not an actual gang like the shepard gang but more how the main characters run; just a group thats independent, but willing to stick up for one another. Ive decided that if i ever do something with this god forsaken AU its genuinely just gonna be mostly seperate from the main plot because none of the aides themselves would be socs and so the plot wouldnt even be relevant until the very end.(I have been thinking of making Lafayette a soc or something. Just for the fuck of it to test some limits to hamilton, laurens, and laf's friendship with the whole bob thing ehe!)

But for the sake of this AU, theyre all aged into their 20s except for Washington. Its just easier than having 60 year olds street fighting.

Right, so characters! I havent thought much on other aides BUT i have thought VERY heavily on Laurens and Hamilton, obviously. So, starting with Laurens. Hes literally the same. Hes just as impulsive as he is during his time period if not worse. Hes given more opportunities to fight and he takes every. single. one. I would say hes similar to Dally but really he isnt. He'll get in a fistfight every week or so but nothing serious enough he ends up in jail. His relationship with HL is kind if rocky, too. They moved from SC to fucking oklahoma and John is not too happy about the move, for one, and his father isnt happy that Laurens turned into a 'hood.' Mainly, he just wont sleep at his own house. He'll crash at Meade's place or maybe Hamilton's run down, abandoned little house if he has to. HL isnt abusive or anything he just doesnt like living with so many siblings while his father goes on and on about how hes a bad influence. Not helping that he has a new bruise or cut every time he vists but i digress, John is basically a 'watered down' dally.

Righttt, Hamilton! Yeah, born in NYC, mom died, got too expensive, so he moved to good ol Oklahoma without his dad. I may just say he works at DX with Soda and whatnot because while the aides arent needed for the plot, i want them to feel a lil somethin somethin when everything goes down in the book and having a relation to both Soda and Steve would at least make Hamilton feel a bit bad and maybe even convince him to fight in the rumble at the end. Laurens and him arent really officially dating either. Theyre technically exclusive, but they never really talked about it and kind of just say theyre there to keep each other in check. Neither of them really want to confront any of their emotions towards anything so they settle for hamilton lovingly scolding laurens every time he gets in a fight and sharing 'no homo' kisses. Yeah and he lives in this run down house that he doesnt pay for and he has to drop by Meade's place whenever cops come searching for anyone living in there because i need him to be a little bit pathetic.

The rest of the aides are primarily undecided, if im being honest. Meade's parents are still alive from what I know and the other aides either stay at their own house or crash at Meade's, but Laurens is usually taking up the couch on most nights as does Hamilton. Most of the other aides arent big fighters really, theyre just trying to make it through college/day to day jobs. Washington kind of watches over all of them, like an unofficial father to their lil gang. They just hang around him and he frequently scolds them all for misbehaving. Hes like darry but older i guess. (Hes like, in his late 40's in this AU.)

Oh, and kinloch is there because i said so! If anything, he gives me major soc vibes and i primarily think he is why Laurens has such a knack for starting fights with socs for no reason. They were some weird ass situationship and they had an unofficial breakup that Laurens is still extremely salty over. Francis totally went for his neck during the rumble btw and they hate each other and laurens still tries to start fights with him whenever he sees him.

Though, Lafayette is also pretty undecided. I want him to be a greaser but at the same time i think him being a soc would test the limits of him and laurens' friendship while also he and hamilton's friendship. Laurens because obviously, francis. Hamilton because he saw how the socs affected soda, steve, etc and he feels bad for them, but also Lafayette would be dead set that Johnny is a murderer because he needs to stick up for the socs to stay loyal.

Now lets talk about the rumble! I think only some of the aides would get involved, really. Hamilton would because he saw how johnny affected steve and soda, Laurens because he just wants to fight, and the two dragged along Tilghman and Harrison because theyre strong enough to do some genuine damage. The rest of them just dont want to be involved in all of that and think its easier to just not get hurt.(Meade tags along but stands off to the side just to make sure no one gets seriously injured. He has change ready for a pay phone in case he needs to call up washington.)

Now, what i think would be interesting is their reaction to Dally's death. Im saying Laurens wouldve heard his name, as would all of the greasers, really. So their entire gang would know his name, but im mainly thinking about Laurens for this one because id like to think that he kind of looked up to him in some fucked up way? Not really looked up to, but more so respected. I feel like with Ham telling him about how Soda and Steve reacted and how they act at the DX afterwards would really fuck with him too and id like to think hed drop by the curtis house or some shit to say that he thought dally was a cool guy or something.

Yeah, anyway this is all pretty rough in terms of what the fuck im yapping about i just spat out every word that came to mind.

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

I guess its the Summer Solstice so here we are again! 6/21/23

Wow I knew I neglected my last pot but here we are back even later than the last one! Like i say everytime it is wild to see how much has changed in my life the past couple of years. Ups down and everything in between I come back to this spot everytime and see the growth I’ve made. All by myself. All for myself. I cant always see it but moments where I read back on the past I am brought right back to those moments and never lose sight of how I felt in the past. 

I keep seeing on TikTok that today is a Summer Solstice meaning it is a great opportunity for manifestations so lets try this out why not! I guess I’ll start by giving a quick synopsyis of my life from the past 10 months or however long (wow sorry I abandoned this for that long!!!!)

Lets start with Work. I am still at the same OI job and feel like I have grown sooo much. I cant say im perfect at my job, but I know I have made a shit load of progress that i’m very proud of. I shifted off of working with my mngr which has made the biggest impact on my happiness at the job. I was going from having weekly panic attacks to not even having to review a single email anymore. I am really proud of myself for treading through the mud and getting to the point where I am at now. Now for the manifestation segment. I am going to get a promotion soon. This SUMMER! I FEEL IT. I am such a hard worker and really have gained the experience to move up in the company. I am confident it will happen in the next couple months. I cant wait to come back here and tell you all about it. It will be my first real promotion at a job which is something that I’ve really wanted to achieve since I havent gotten to this point at any of my previous jobs. You got this Case. 

Now for relationships. Tricky subject and yep you guessed it D is still around. I have tested a coupe other relationships with E and A and C... but somehow D makes it through the motions of every single season. I do want to touch on E for a sec. I have grown to build an amazing relationship with him, but I havent seen him for a few weeks and I feel like the relationship is starting to fade. Im sick of getting 100% and then a week later not even 1%. I am fully aware it has nothing to do with me and more so his own struggles, but I do need to realize at the end of the day that its ok to want more from someone and he cant give me what I need as much as hes shown me how I can be treated in a healthy way. He’s the boy Ive always dreamt of how someone can treat/care for you, but this story just isnt ours at this point in time. Who knows what the future holds. Now D. Oh boy. As we all know its been a fucking roller coaster. I have felt the highest of highs w him and the lowest of lows. I do hold love for him (but not so sure ive ever been in love... idk what that even is lmao). We’ve gotten to a point where I feel like I have been holding my power for quite some time now. I don’t have the same anxieties as I had for him in the past and i don’t prioritize him over others. We’ve tried not speaking (jan 2023) for a couple weeks and ultimately he just came back and I allowed it. I cant cut him out of it killed me. It’s so fucking hard. I am working on figuring out his place in my life and how we can carry on without hurt, but I feel like I am slowy falling back in the trap/cycle. We had a really nice day together the other weekend and I felt those anxious attachment feelings creeping in... I need to remember the things that have happened and try to prepare for the worst, but is it crazy to say that what if we are meant for each other? The other day I was able to imagine being in a relationship with him and it shocked me how I felt so good the whole day. Idk prob the worst thought ever but.. idk.. why are we magents to each other? Lastly I wanna touch on friendships and new york life. My friends here are still the same (but Karina now lives in Miami) and I love them so much, but I’ve been feeling myself longing for my relationships in LA. There are many weekends where my friends here are out of town and I feel left alone many times. In LA I would have the comfort of my family when friends arent around, but theyre 100s of miles away from me. I really miss them so fucking much it hurts. I think the longer I am away the more and more I realize how special my family is. I especially feel bad being away from my mom. She asks me nearly everytime we talk when I’ll come back and little does she know I’ve been toying with the idea of returning once my lease is up. If not that I think I have 1 year left in me. It still shocks me to say it and feel confident in that, but I really miss my family. Thats truly the only thing pulling me back bc I love this city and who I have become here so damn much. Im not putting too much pressure on the decision as I still have 10 months on my lease, but it is in the back of my mind. I feel like I’ll lead myself to the right choice soon though. So much would change though. I told D the other day about the idea and he said he would be so sad which kinda surprised me. It would be the end for us if I did move back which im not sure is a good or bad thing. Sometimes I tell myself the love of my life is not here and I wont meet them till I move back lol. Im not sure where the future is gonna bring me, but im confident in myself to do what is right for me. Leaving my friends here would also be horrible, but at the end of the day if they are the friendships I believe them to be, we will still be as close as ever and planes exist!! I guess thats kinda it for now. But this is still the start to an amazing summer with so much fun in store I can feel it!!! I have a trip to the shore coming up next weekend and then im going back home for my bday end of july - aug. Later in the summer I am going to portugal with my family!!! and something BIIGGGG is gonna happen in the fam :o Cant write it in words here till it happens. Until then, I love you. Im proud of you. and life is always working out in my favor. <3  Love,

C

[rosemarythym3]

a year ago i was grieving so deeply to where it felt like you had never loved me at all. and now today i see that you did love me, like so fucking much, and i just wonder why we let it all go. did you want me to fight for us? to open up and say no, i want this, i want you, and it’s absolutely worth it to me to stay and keep going? or did you genuinely want things to be over? i know you loved me and i guess i just don’t understand what it is that hurt you the most and what you think about our relationship ending. i didn’t hate you. i didn’t dislike you. certain things you would do would bother me but i dealt with them and lived with them because i loved you. and really it was all such small things. it wasn’t a big deal. i just want to know how you think i feel about you and how you feel about me, and i know i’ll never get to know, but sometimes i wish i could just so i could lay these thoughts to rest. i don’t think there’s a way of talking out the problem but i would love to at least just have a conversation and know how you really felt then and how you really feel now. i can’t help but feel like some of it has to do with the notion that i walked away, but that’s literally because you told me we weren’t together and that you had someone ready to take over the lease. like. am i tripping??? am i making up this narrative that you wanted me to stay so i can feel better about myself ??? did you actually fucking despise me ??? i don’t know. this rarely comes over me anymore but when it does come up i sit in it for days, just stewing about what could’ve been and what if xyz had happened and what if things were different and and and. i can never undo what happened but i know you’re out there and so close and i hate that. i hate that i still have dreams with you in them where i just feel a sense of love and familiarity by knowing that your presence is there with me i’m the dream and then i wake up and you’re not there and i’m reminded that you never fucking will be ever again. i so wish i could do things over and make things right and be better. i wish i wasn’t so hurt that i didn’t see the value of a friendship between you and i. i hate that a friendship between you and i probably wouldn’t have even been healthy. i hate that your friends and family probably wouldn’t have supported a friendship between you and me after knowing what ive done and how i’ve made you feel. the shit i did in our relationship like not managing my anger and not respecting boundaries and just straight up acting childish and not wanting to change for the better and pushing myself to be uncomfortable and communicate with you and reflect on my feelings was all not okay and i’m sorry. so fucking sorry and that’s the number one thing that comes up for me out of all of this every single time.

[spencersawkward]

*concussions and confessions//spencer reid*

summary: a near-death experience encourages Spencer to admit his feelings for his best friend, even at the risk of ruining their relationship.

pairing: Fem!Reader/Spencer

content warnings: oh boy there’s a lot. i’ll start with the nonsexual ones-- choking (again, not sexual), blunt force, violence, some angst. ok time for the fun ones-- unprotected penetrative sex, masturbation, sex dream, oral (male receiving), slight dirty talk, creampie. lmk if there are more that i missed! 

word count: 5.4k

A/N: hi omg so i actually combined two requests for this bc i loved the concepts and i didn't wanna do one and not the other. i hope i do both of these justice hehe thanks for sending them! also sorry if the unsub scene sucks-- i don’t usually write that way, so i tried my best. 

request(s): omg if you need ideas for baby spence can you do a one shot where he's the girls best friend (she's not in the bau) and they are in love but neither of them admit it and he is really hurt in a case or almost dies or something traumatic and only when he gets back they confess their love... and then have sex 😏 ive been thinking about this concept alot 😌

can’t stop thinking about baby spencer (like s2-s4) & his girl best friend losing their virginity to each other... can you write a one shot on this please?

masterlist

"when are you coming back?" you ask over the line. you're lying on your bed, legs in the air while you talk to your best friend. it's been a long day for you, but a longer day for him. it's always a longer day for him. 

"you know that I don't know the answer to that question." Spencer's voice is soft as he attempts to keep quiet. he's two hours ahead and, despite the fact that you're both night owls, the person he's rooming with tonight isn't. 

"I know, but there's this Korean film festival that starts tomorrow and I was hoping you would be here to translate for me." you examine your nails while you talk. Spencer lets out a disappointed sigh. 

it's only been a few days since he left, but it's been a week since you last saw him and it feels like a long time. whenever he's not at work, you two are joined at the hip. ever since you first met a few years back at a poetry convention in DC, it feels like he's the only person who understands you. which is weird, because you couldn't be more different as individuals. 

"you should bring one of your other friends." 

"bold of you to assume I have other friends." you joke. Spencer chuckles to himself and your heart flutters. you love his laugh more than anything in the world. 

"I thought that was just me." he says. 

"oh, it is just you," you reply flatly. "I was trying to make you feel better."

you can practically feel Spencer smiling through the phone. although you tease him pretty frequently, he's sometimes able to get in his own shots. it's what makes your friendship interesting.

"hey," you add before he can say anything more. "how's the case going?" 

Spence starts to detail the whole thing, and you listen intently, the timbre and smoothness of his voice comforting you as you slip beneath the covers of your bed. you like the way he enunciates his words, his strange manner of speaking, because it lulls you to sleep. 

you know he's talking about horrible things, but something about the sound comforts you deeply. when he's not around, you're wishing you had it bottled up. 

he lays out their profile as it stands, and you fall silent. it's getting pretty late and you have to be up early for work tomorrow, so it would be a good idea to get some real rest. plus, Spencer needs to sleep, too-- even though he probably won't. 

you remember times when he'd call you at three in the morning, his mind whirring as he played chess against himself and asked if you wanted to hang out so he could teach you how. you hate chess, but of course you said yes; you'd been head over heels with him since your first conversation.

eventually, you feel yourself start to drift off. you don't even really know what he's saying; all of it blends together until you're laying there, one cheek pressed to the pillow and the receiver against the other. 

"Y/N?" he says your name abruptly and your eyes, which have been slowly drawing shut this whole time, fly open. 

"yeah?" 

"go to bed."

"what? no, I'll wait until you're done." you shift. 

"I could hear your breathing change." 

"then why didn't you just hang up?" you giggle. he goes silent for a moment and you wonder if he cut out, but then he responds. 

"I wanted to say goodnight." 

it's like a cage of butterflies is unleashed in your stomach. you wrinkle your nose as you get nervous. god, you miss him. things would be so much better if he was back. not like he'd be in your bed even if he was, though.  

"then say goodnight." you prod. he lets out an awkward little sound. 

"now I can't because you made it weird." 

"how did I make it weird?" 

"I don't know, you just did." he's so clumsy, your face heats up. you want to keep talking like this until morning.

"goodnight, Spence," the words sound reluctant, but you try to cover it up by teasing him further. "see, was that so bad?" 

"oh my god, Y/N--" he tries to sound exasperated. 

"no goodnight back?" you raise an eyebrow even though he can't see you right now.  

a lengthy silence again. "goodnight."

"that's what I thought." before he can protest, you end the call, settle into the covers. moonlight beams on the walls of your apartment, and you start to think about your best friend. about all the nights spent curled up on his couch with two bowls of popcorn, his ramblings about how much he loves his job and him asking about yours. 

he's a great listener. every time you talk, he nods along like he's hanging off every word. it's nice to feel heard that way, to have someone care. and he's fun to hang out with, too. you've met his team before and they all talk about how hard it is to get him to go out, but they don't see the same side of him that you do. 

Spencer is nerdy and cute and kind and sensitive. he makes you feel special. he's everything that you've ever wanted in a person. but it's not like it would matter, anyway. he hasn't really shown interest in any girls-- much less you. even if he did, you're scared of ruining the friendship. 

the fallout of not having him around at all... it would destroy you. and something, even if it's torturous, is better than nothing. 

which is why, as you sit there and remember being around him, your fingertips creep below the comforter. a familiar routine, they move over your stomach, until they reach the waistband of your panties. for a moment, you hesitate. it's wrong. he's your best friend. but he doesn't need to know that this is how you handle the ache he puts between your legs. 

as your index finger slides down your slit, you feel the wetness already forming. Spencer's hands, his mouth. the thought of his lips pressed to yours while he fucks you, holding your body like it's delicate. 

you don't know exactly how it would feel because you've never had sex, but you want to find out with him. he's never done it, either. you don't care; all you need is to have him inside of you, to see how he looks when he's on the edge. 

your mind wanders to the image of him parting your legs and rolling his eyes into the back of his head. the sensation of him filling you up. falling apart. 

you slide a finger inside, gasping at the way your walls tighten and your imagination runs wild. that tongue, lapping and making you squirm, your fingers twisted in his soft hair. he's so sweet; his attentiveness would make your legs shake. you want to look into his eyes while he does it. 

you add a second finger, curl them and brush over the most sensitive part. the pressure of his hips grinding into yours. your body curves up at the way you start to finger yourself, the other hand stimulating your clit. it's almost overwhelming, the way his name tumbles from your lips over and over. 

you've never wanted someone so badly in your life; he belongs in your bloodstream. the sounds he would make in your ear before finally cumming and collapsing on top of you, spent. you want to tire him out and then do it all over again. 

you're greedy on the edge, indulging in every single image of him you can conjure up, every dirty thing you'd say. finally, you feel yourself fall, the orgasm intense as you bite back groans of pleasure and work through the high. it's amazing. 

you sit there, panting, feeling your heart beat in your chest. some things can't leave your head, they're so sinful. and the worst part is that you don't regret it in the slightest. 

...

Spencer can feel his pulse practically leaping against his throat as he makes his way through the empty warehouse. he should have waited for backup; he knows he should have, but it's too late now to go back and change things. 

he clutches his gun, pointing it in front of him while his eyes flicker wildly across the space. he's moving between enormous aisles stuffed with crates, not knowing who else is around. they said the unsub brought his newest victim here-- Spencer came first because was closest to the site-- but he hears nothing aside from the uneven rhythm of his own breath. 

every step is careful. he's thinking about how close the rest of the team must be. based on their distance from the station, they should arrive within six minutes-- but that doesn't account for the time it takes to put on their bulletproof vests, to get to their cars. 

truthfully, he doesn't know if he's going to have to do this on his own. and that scares him the most. 

there's no point in worrying. he swallows the lump in his throat and presses his back to one of the crates. there's a scraping noise a ways off that causes him to freeze. because of the echoes of the warehouse, the origin is indiscernible. he doesn't breathe, eyes darting between each of the openings into the aisle. 

after a minute of pure silence, he peels himself away and turns to head back out. 

and that's when the sound of wood cracking against bone startles him; he hears it before he feels it, but it's obvious when he crumples to the floor. like knife points pressing into his brain at all angles, the shooting agony in his skull. 

he starts to clutch at his head, only to be yanked off the ground by a meaty hand and thrown against the side of a crate. 

"fucking feds." the guy is enormous. gargantuan. he keeps his arm across Reid's throat, pressing down enough to restrict his airway. but Spencer can't even concentrate on the guy's face further than its rough outlines. his vision is going in and out, fuzzy at the edges from the blow to his head. 

he definitely has a concussion. 

"I..." he trails off. the huge FBI logo on his vest is a dead giveaway. 

"all alone?" the unsub has breath like rotten fish, spits each word into his face. "I won't even need my gun." 

Spencer's head lolls to the side and he catches sight of his own weapon lying helplessly a few feet away. there's no way he could get to it in time, even if he got out of this guy's chokehold. 

he tries to think of a way to talk himself out of this; after all, their profile said he'd be more susceptible to negotiation, but that's kind of hard to do with someone's forearm slammed against your trachea. he presses harder and Spencer sees stars. his glasses hang almost off the bridge of his nose, centimeters from falling to the floor. 

he starts to realize that he's going to die, defenseless and alone, in a warehouse. at the hands of a man who kills women because his Viagra doesn't work. but this doesn't incite the kind of panic Spencer always predicted he'd feel. the lack of oxygen in his brain causes him to go delirious. 

he misses home. his mom and his old house, even though things were hard. he misses Y/N, his team members. he wishes his team was here; he should have waited for them. he should have told Y/N how he feels. now she's never going to know. 

Reid is so out of it, he doesn't even notice the pressure being relieved from his throat until he collapses on the ground. the unsub falls, too, his cheek smashed by the force of the abandoned wooden plank. 

it's hard to tell what's happening until Reid lifts his head to see Morgan standing above him, preparing to handcuff the criminal.

"kid," Spencer never thought he'd be so glad to hear his voice. "what happened?"

...

you practically crash into Spencer's apartment the next evening, flinging your body through the front door with your spare key. 

"Spence?" you call out from the entryway. everything still looks the same, but when his colleague, Penelope, called you today to tell you that Reid had gotten a concussion after a run-in with an unsub, you rushed here as soon as you could. 

"in here." he calls from his bedroom. you don't hesitate, your feet carrying you there. you've been anxious all day; he didn't call last night or even text like usual. you were on the verge of panicking when Penelope called. 

of course, you knew that was the risk with Spencer. he knew the risk, too. his life would always be in the balance when it came to the cases, but he'd gone through so many at this point, you weren't thinking about it. if you did, you wouldn't be able to focus on anything else. 

when you walk in, the first thing you see is Spencer laying in bed in his silk pjs. there's a stack of unread books on his bedside table. his glasses sit on top. he's just laying there with his eyes closed. 

"oh my god." you mutter, dropping your bag on the floor and walking over. he opens his eyes with a slight smile. there's a purple bruise forming across his throat, light but definitely there.  

"hi." 

"what the fuck happened?" you ask the question you've been wondering the whole way here. 

"he hit me with a plank." Spencer explains, the phrase coming out like he's still confused about it. "I'm fine, just a mild concussion and a bruise because he choked me." 

you take a second to assess if he actually means that he's okay, or if he's trying not to worry you. he stares at your expression for a second. 

"Y/N, I'm really fine." 

"you don't look fine." you gesture to the fact that he's laying in bed. 

"my body is sore, but nothing's wrong with me. I just can't look at screens or read." this last part makes him much more melancholy, it seems. you reach down and ruffle his hair playfully. 

"sounds like a nightmare." 

"it is." he cracks up. 

"I'm glad you're okay." you sigh. your heart rate has slowed to a reasonable pace now that you know he's fine. Spencer gives a ghost of a smile, and when he pats the empty spot on the bed beside him, you kick off your shoes and climb over his body to sit down. "so... did you guys get him?" 

"the unsub?" he turns his head to look at you. something is in his eyes that you can't read. "yeah, he's in custody. we saved the girl he abducted, too." 

"well, aren't you a hero?" you grin, pinching his arm. 

"ow!" he flinches. "don't hurt the patient."

"oh, so now you're injured?" you giggle softly. his smile fades a bit, gaze trailing from your face to your legs. it isn't lustful or anything, more like he's taking in your existence. it still makes your heart flutter. 

"I wasn't really a hero, anyway," he sighs. "I got knocked down before I even found her." 

"oof." you wince. 

"yeah, it's sort of embarrassing. I went in by myself and--"

"you went by yourself?" you clarify, turning to face him. of course he did. 

"yeah." he avoids your gaze. 

"Spencer, I work in a stationery shop and I know you're supposed to wait for backup." you deadpan. he snorts, staring straight ahead at the wall. his hair is flat in the back from where he's been resting it against the headboard. 

"he would have hurt her if I had waited." he explains. your heart softens a bit at this. you know Spencer has a problem with saving people; sometimes he doesn't think things through. but you know that it's only because he cares. 

you smile gently, appreciating what a beautiful person he is. you don't understand how other people don't see him how you do. your hand reaches for his suddenly, and you find yourself snuggling into his shoulder. 

Spencer doesn't usually like touch, but he welcomes this, dropping his own head to rest on top of yours while you both stare at the wall. his silence feels heavy, more than it usually does, and you wonder what he's thinking. 

"I'm really glad you're okay, Spencer." your tone is low, like it's a secret. 

"you already said that." 

"shut up." 

"you care about me." he sing-songs with a smile, and you know he means it in a friendly way, but you don't care. it brings warmth to your cheeks. 

"whatever. you care about me, too." 

he lets out a slight chuckle. "when I started to black out, I thought of you." 

your heart leaps, even though the reason is pretty dark. "oh, yeah?"

"mhmm." he hums. 

"nobody's ever told me that they thought of me in their last moments of life before." you tease. there are so many things you'd like to say, but know you can't. he smells like himself and coffee beans, his skin warm beneath the silk of his pajamas. 

"I'd hope not."

"anything in particular?" you wonder aloud. 

"what?" you feel him tense beneath you, and that's how you know there's something he's not telling you. 

"were you thinking about anything in particular?" 

"someone's full of themselves." he jokes. you smack his arm.  

"humor me." more than anything, you want to hear his thoughts. you know you're reaching, but you don't care. 

"just..." he pauses, the next words coming out almost too quietly to hear. "things I never got to say to you." 

"like?" now you're intrigued. 

"no way." he laughs and you groan, turning and realizing that you've both sunk deeper onto the bed and are now practically lying down. 

"c'mon," you prod. you've flipped onto your side while you watch him, his eyes directed at the ceiling. "what if you'd actually died?" 

Spencer gives you a look, and you wish you could snap a picture of his face. the gentle features, the warmth in his eyes. he stares at you differently than before, and it makes your stomach flip again. "I, um." 

you start to trace your index absently down his forearm, where his sleeve has incidentally gotten rolled up. his skin is soft. you know that this isn't a friendly thing to do, but something inside you craves his touch right now. you almost lost him; you can't imagine how horrible that would be. 

"I wanted to say that I--" he gulps, muscles in his shoulder tight beneath your cheek. "well, I care about you, and I... I really love you." 

it's not the first time he's said it, obviously in a platonic sense. what affects you is that he's acting like it's a big deal. 

"I love you too, Spence." you smile softly. his chest rises and falls faster, his face tensed. 

"no, I mean--" he turns onto his side, using the action to distract from his own nervousness. he holds your gaze and you forget how to breathe as he speaks. every syllable is serious, but you note his fingers fidgeting at his side. "I'm in love with you." 

it's like all the air in the room has been sucked out. you swallow, unsure of how to react at first. you don't believe what you're hearing, simply because it doesn't make sense. you've been friends for a while, now, but Spencer has never made a move to ask you out or acted like he wanted anything more. 

your heart swells. 

"you're in love with me?" the words even feel surreal on your tongue. he takes it as rejection.

"I shouldn't have said that, I'm sorry." Spencer rubs his eyes with the heels of his hands, his expression turning to a cringe. he's about to sit up to hide the red in his cheeks, but you pull him back down by the shoulder. 

"not so fast, crazy boy." the corners of your mouth are turning up into a grin. you can't help it; every nerve in your body is alive. Spencer loves you. he feels the same way. 

when he sinks back down onto the mattress and sighs, preparing to say something that rescinds the statement to erase any awkwardness, you grab his face and turn it to yours. you don't kiss him, only force him to look. 

"I'm in love with you, too." 

his eyebrows fly up in surprise. "r-really?"

"yes." you nod. 

he takes a second to process this. you see about five different expressions pass over his face, each one reminding you of how earnest he is. and it's absolutely adorable. 

"well, that's good, isn't it?" he clarifies. you pretend to think on it. 

"I'd say so, yeah." 

he smiles. a genuine, rare one that makes your veins feel as if they're full of glitter. you're on Cloud 9. 

"can I kiss you?" you ask him quietly. he seems surprised at this, too, like he never thought you'd want that, but then nods eagerly. 

you close the gap between you on the bed, holding his jaw in one hand while the other rests on his forearm. your lips meet softly at first. he's cautious, scared of pushing you away. he hasn't kissed many people before. but he's good at it, letting you take the lead. 

there's no way to adequately describe kissing Spencer. every bone in your body turns to mush, immediately craving more contact. you slide your tongue across his full bottom lip, and he lets you in. his affection is the most loved you've ever felt. because sure, you haven't had sex, but you've kissed people before. 

never like this. 

one of his hands goes up to wrap around your forearm tenderly before he shifts to lie on his side. you wrap around each other, turning the kiss into a full-body embrace as you breathe in. you want more. your leg swings over his torso so you can pull yourself closer, and he groans into your mouth when your pelvis presses against his. 

the kiss gets more heated, his hands carefully but hungrily traveling down the curve of your waist. you flip so that you're straddling him without breaking any contact. 

you don't really think about the way your hips begin to rock against his, your pussy involuntarily working for friction. there are so many happy chemicals in your brain right now, you giggle against his mouth when his body bucks up into yours. he groans. 

"Y/N..." he breathes softly. his hands move from your waist to your thighs, afraid to dig his fingertips in. 

"what?" you sigh, licking over his bottom lip again. he moans at the way you keep grinding on his erection. 

"I wanna--" his eyelashes flutter when he gasps. "I wanna touch you." 

"do it." your palm is resting tenderly against his cheek. he responds by finally holding you down, sliding his body up a bit to grind against your center. you whine. "touch whatever you want, Spencer." 

his cock twitches in his pants and you push the hem of his shirt up while he uses one hand to massage your tits. the voracious, curious nature of his attention makes you sigh, touching his stomach. he feels perfect beneath you. 

soon you're grabbing at each other without any regard for grace. he's so horny, he's pawing at whatever he can while you do the same to him. the kissing gives way to straight panting while you look at each other. 

"can I suck your dick?" you whisper. Spencer's eyes widen. you've never seen him nod so fast. 

you press your mouth to his one more time before inching down his body, sucking on his clavicle, then his stomach. careful to avoid the purple marks on his neck. he watches you intently, memorizing the details of this moment for later. when you reach the waistband of his pants, you peek up. he strains against the material. 

your mouth drops open and you draw your tongue over the clothed bulge, maintaining eye contact. Spencer throws his head back. his voice is high. "oh my god, oh my god." 

you smirk, licking it again. he clenches his jaw. "I'm gonna c-cum if you don't--" he tries for words, but he's mewling and moving against your mouth. you pull at his pants, hooking your fingers in his boxers and bringing them down, too. 

Spencer bucks into the air when his cock hits his stomach. it's big, precum leaking helplessly out of the tip while he whines. you want him now. 

"wow." you smile. he stares at you, tensing his stomach as you wrap your hand around his length. he's trying to keep quiet, but as soon as you spit on it and start to pump him, his head falls back into the pillow. 

you draw your tongue up the underside, paying special attention to the veins, reveling in his reactions. he looks like he's ascending to heaven when you start to suck on the first couple inches.  

"o-oh, fuck..." he keeps moving his hips off the bed for more, so you sink down further onto him, hollowing your cheeks and moaning. "Y/N..." 

you groan in response, feeling yourself get wetter with every sound he makes. you can't believe this is happening, the way he threads his fingers loosely through your hair in an attempt to touch more of you.

he tries to keep his eyes open while you suck, but they squint with pleasure. he's a mess for you, shuddering gently when you take nearly all of him into your mouth. 

before he can cum, you pull your mouth off of him with a satisfying pop. Spencer moans. 

"was that okay?" you ask carefully. this is the extent of your sexual experience, and you want to do more with him, but you aren't sure how he feels. your best friend stares back at you like you've turned his world upside down. 

"y-yeah," he replies. his face is flushed. "definitely okay."

he's throbbing, occasionally twitching against his stomach as he waits for more stimulation. you eye him carefully. 

"what do you feel comfortable doing?" your voice is smooth. "we can stop now, if you'd like." 

"I--" he chokes on the word. "I don't wanna stop." 

"do you want to have sex?" you ask. Spencer bites his lip, whines. 

"mhmm." 

"I wanna do that, too," you breathe out, straightening up and pulling your shirt over your head, unclasping your bra, before getting to work on your shorts. you know you're practically dripping. he's been more vocal, but you feel like you're going to implode from the desire. "but I need to tell you something." 

"what?" he tugs your arm, coaxing you back to him and touching you greedily. you giggle as you kick your shorts and panties off somewhere in the room. both of you move like awkward teenagers. 

"I'm a virgin." you say. 

Spencer frowns. "really?" 

"yeah," you lick your lips. "so you need to be careful." 

"o-of course." he blushes, getting nervous again. "you know I'm a virgin too, right?"

"I know." you smile. he returns it sweetly, and the commotion of your bodies slows for a moment. you're so happy, you could cry. 

"what?" he breaks the comfortable silence. 

"I'm excited," you shrug. he's got his hands on your waist, rubbing his fingertips over your skin. then you remember something. "wait, are you allowed to have sex with your... injury?" 

"it's fine." he reaches up and kisses your throat with an urgency. 

"did the doctor say that?" your eyes roll while he sucks on your neck. he groans and pulls down on your waist so that your stomach presses against his cock. he ruts. 

"second opinion from me." he pants. you tap his cheek playfully, move up his body until your core brushes him. he whimpers when you reach between your bodies and grip his length in your hands. 

"you ready?" your voice is low. Spencer squeezes your thighs, eyes moving between your tits and your face. 

"yes." he sighs. you position it, slicking him in your pussy while he wraps an arm around your waist and moans for more. your chests are pressed together, looking into each other's eyes while you slide him into you. 

you have to go slow, the intrusion causing your jaw to drop. you don't breathe. he's got his eyes rolled into the back of his head.  

"Spencer." you whimper, dropping your head onto his chest when he's fully inside of you. his fingers rub patiently over your back. 

"are you okay?" his voice is laced with a moan, trying to resist thrusting. 

"yeah, just a second." you wiggle a little bit to test the boundaries. it hurts, but it also feels good. your clit is begging for more pressure, so you start to roll your hips. Reid moans loudly. 

"Y/N..." he whimpers. "don't stop." 

"you want more?" the need in his voice makes you hornier, and you increase the pace, despite the slight pain. you're so wet, he slides in and out without much effort. 

"so-- much more." he's gasping, hands on your thighs as he watches your naked body writhe on top of him. he's never been more aroused in his life, spurred on by your scent and form and the tightness that keeps clenching around his cock.

he understands why people love sex so much, now. he wants it every day, wants to fuck you in every position and pleasure you. the sounds you release in his ear, whines and praises, he would do anything for more. walk to the ends of the earth to feel you cum on his cock. 

his hand finds your ass, squeezes it. 

"this feel good, Spence? fucking your best friend?" you talk dirty and he twitches. you're always so sweet, the words coming out of your mouth for him are going to send the genius into a tailspin. 

"mhmm," he holds you down so that he can thrust up. speaking at all is a struggle with the way he's feeling. "perfect." 

you start to say something else, but he hits a certain angle and you let out a quiet yelp, hips jumping at the pleasure. "I'm gonna cum." 

Spencer gets a rush of relief because it's taking everything in him right now not to absolutely lose it inside your pussy. he's hanging on by a thread. "me, too." 

you use your position on top to stimulate yourself. both of you chase your orgasms roughly, the rhythm you created degenerating into clawing excitement. 

"cum inside me, Spencer." you beg him. it sounds like you would do anything to feel it, that sensation that you've never experience but have always imagined. and Spencer, his own head foggy with ecstasy, nods and opens his mouth to let out a loud groan. 

"Y/N, fuck fuck fuck-- I'm--" he shoots his load inside of you, rutting wildly and letting his head drop onto the pillow while he pants. you can feel it. strange, lovely jolts of his seed spreading. your hands, which have been resting on his shoulders, tighten and you reach your climax. you flutter around him, both of you still moving to ease the intensity of the high. 

it's remarkable. you're crying out, having the most mind-blowing orgasm of your life. you never thought your first time would be like this. but you're glad it is, muscles tightening and releasing with the mixture of emotions. 

you collapse fully, him still inside. 

neither of you speaks. his heartbeat thuds against your ear, and you hold onto him like letting go would be the end of the world. you can't believe you could have lost him. you don't want to think about it. 

"sorry I came so fast." Spencer apologizes breathlessly. you can feel his cum dripping down your entrance when he slides out. 

"I don't care." you mumble. both of you stay there for a while, his heartbeat changing to a pace that reminds you of genuine excitement. like a hummingbird. 

"we can try again, sometime." he offers. you lift your head to rest your chin on his chest. his skin is flushed, pupils dilated, hair messy. such a pretty boy. 

"we should try multiple times." 

he gives you a cheerful smile, and everything starts to fall into place. you took each other's virginity. "Y/N?" 

he likes to say your name, and you love to hear it. "yes?" 

"are we dating?" the bluntness of the question makes you giggle. you don't hesitate. 

"yeah." 

“good.”

taglist (lmk if you wanna be added/removed!): @reidsconverse @voidsfilm @xoxomgg​ 

[actualbird]

My fav headcanon is that I think MC stole Luke’s first girlfriend not on purpose and it was kind of his fault. He tries to go on a date with a girl to get over her/deal and spends the entire date telling her the other girl how great MC was that she felt the need to go up to MC the next day and ask her our herself just to see the hype (the hype was real)

ANON, THIS IS THE FUNNIEST HEADCANON IVE EVER READ. i hope you dont mind that i, er, expanded on it. i simply love it so MUCH

wc: 1.3k i cant stop myself from LONG RAMBLING

pls like....16 year old luke who doesnt yet full understand just how DEEP his feelings are for mc. hes like "aaaggghh, this is a bothersome crush!! i dont want it to change mc and i's friendship!!! i need to put a stop to this immediately :((("

and his method of going about this is going on a date with another girl who has been expressing interest in him (he did not KNOW she was expressing interest in him, mc had to watch the girl bashfully flirt at luke and luke was CLUELESS like :D and mc is like "oh my god" and once the girl leaves mc is like "YOURE SUCH A BLOCKHEAD" and luke is like "???? STOP HITTING ME??" and mc has to explain that that girl was asking him out on a date)

this girl, she likes him and she seemed really sweet. and hey, luke's guidance counselor has been ragging on luke for months to make some non-mc friends (he has not a single one, mc is THE BEST, he's her BEST FRIEND, why does he need other friends who ARENT HER???) because his HUGE dependency on her is a bit UHHHHHH.

so, after mc goes and shoos him to give that girl some CLARITY, luke runs after the girl and hes super apologetic. hes like "hi, hey, hello, so im like, really stupid. i didnt realize you were asking me out on a date but now ive realized and it sounds really nice, actually? i'd like to go on a date with you and see if im interested and youre interested in dating? ONLY IF U WANT THO, NO PRESSURE."

the world comes to a standstill because for the first time in the history of ever that luke pearce

fucking noticed reality past his best friend

and the girl says yes and so they go on a date!!! luke is a gentleman, he picks the girl up at her house on saturday, he doesnt have his motorbike yet tho (are 16 year olds allowed to get a learning permit for a motorbike? i fucking hope not, that sounds like a nightmare) so they walk to a nice cafe and then hit up an arcade and then end the day just chilling by the riverside. the girl had a wonderful time, she really did, luke is one of the nicest guys shes ever had the pleasure of meeting but...

yep

like you said

luke spent the whole day

talking about how fuckin GREAT MC IS

and he just has 0 fucking awareness as to why hes doing this. the girl can see that hes doing it not out of malice or some shitty way to make her jealous, luke genuinely is just talking about mc every second because she makes him happy and he wants to share that happiness with others.

so the end convo is like

luke: i had a great time today, thank you again for asking me out. do you...wanna go on another date? :D

girl: this was amazing, luke, but i think it's best if we dont go for another date actually. and that we dont get into a relationship. i'd still love to be your friend though!

luke: oh! oh. huh. i'd love to be your friend too!

girl: yay :D

luke: yay :D......i feel weirdly relieved about not being your boyfriend though, is that weird?......OH GOD, NO OFFENSE THOUGH, YOURE WONDERFUL

girl: ksjfbgkdsjgk none taken, it's fine, omg, but. luke. maybe you should examine your feelings?

luke: my feelings?

girl: for your best friend.

luke: for my best friend?

girl: you may be in love with her

luke: I MAY BE IN LOVE WITH HER????

girl: ......are all boys this stupid?

luke: i hope so, i cant be alone in this, but oh fuck, youre right, im---

luke puts his face into his hands, mumbling apologies and emotional screaming and embarrassed noises and the girl just laughs fondly and pats him on the back. she may not have gotten a boyfriend on this date, but shes gotten a pretty cool (if dumb as rocks, despite being the school's genius) friend. and shes happy she was able to help (?)

but because luke pearce is luke pearce, he obviously wants to make it up to her. and shes like kjsfbgjdkg U DONT HAVE TO, UR SWEET THO, SO GO FOR IT, I GUESS.

so luke goes on a mission to go find this girl an ACTUAL boyfriend or girlfriend. he starts accosting classmates and INTERROGATING THEM hes like "are you interested in her? oh you are? well are you GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER???" and he proceeds to quiz the person on their qualities

the girl is just watching from the sidelines trying to stifle her laughter. is being friends with luke pearce like having an attack dog at the ready?

mc, walking over to stand next to her: being friends with luke pearce is like having an attack dog at the ready

girl: oh my gosh, you read my mind!!! hes really like this?

mc: yep! ever since we were kids! he also told me about what happened on your date. are you okay?

girl: i am, actually. thanks for asking :'). this is better for the both luke and i

mc: thats good...i am curious though, what made you guys realize that you two shouldnt date?

girl, realizing that luke didnt tell mc that the reason was because LUKE IS IN LOVE WITH MC: ah, well. let's just say we fit better as friends

mc: that makes sense. do you wanna come over to our house tonight? youre luke's friend now which means youre my friend now too, hehe!

girl: sure :D

and so the girl, mc, and luke go home together. they have an adorably wholesome time studying together and talking and laughing and mc's parents are internally like "oh thank god, our co-dependent orphan boy and daughter have finally found a friend who isnt each other"

and as theyre hanging out on that night, the girl gets to truly see all those beautiful things that luke had told her, about mc. how mc's smile lights up the room, how her kindness feels like the warmth of a blanket, how her fiery spirit ignites such an overwhelming awe.

luke goes out to get the girls some snacks.

when he comes back, the girl and mc are making out.

everybody screams

and luke is like. WELL. he did have some goals for this whole thing. 1) make a friend, 2) make sure this friend is happy, and 3) put a stop to his "crush" on mc

1) he did make a friend!!! i like to hc that once luke is done with the 8 year disappearance stint, he reconnects with that girl and they start hanging out again because lord, luke needs more women friends. being around men all the time is going to make him stupider. do u think luke spending time with marius is going to make either of them grow braincells? of course not. the braincell decline is monumental.

2) he did get that friend to be happy! score!!! he kindaaaaa had a hand in her getting with mc and because she got with mc, she definitely is happy at that time! her and mc only dated for a few months tho, they both came to the conclusion that they werent ready for a romantic relationship, they both wanted to focus on school, but they still keep in touch up to this day!!!

3) and well. his crush DID end. it stopped being a crush. and became the UNBEARABLE AND IMPOSSIBLE TO HIDE LOVE we see in canon now

so luke was able to check all of that off of his list!! but also he nerfed himself so bad. he basically just like

did this

(later, during canon time, the girl brings up something thats been bothering her for a while.

girl: hey, luke?

luke: yeah?

girl: sorry for kissing your best friend who youre in love with, in high school

luke: JBSJDFKSDJ, NO NEED TO APOLOGIZE. you guys made each other happy and that made me happy!

girl: oh whew, okay. thanks for being cool about it! because i wouldnt have taken it back, HAHA. mc is....a really good kisser

luke, embarrassedly enraptured now: she. she is?

girl: shes fucking incredible

luke: //turns to scream into a nearby pillow)

[formula-what]

Brocedes time line for a very patient anon

Lewis quotes in orange, Nico quotes in pink, everyone else is blue.

okay first some background knowledge:

Nico is rich as fuck. only child, born in Germany, brought up in Monaco. son of world champion Keke Rosberg

Lewis was born on a council estate in Stevenage and his dad had to work multiple jobs for him to start karting

Honestly I think the difference in their backgrounds is one of the things that pushed them together, they were both isolated from the rest of the kids, but I’m keeping this purely facts rather than speculation.

2000

They’re both 15 years old and are karting teammates for MBB (Mercedes Benz McLaren) in Formula A

Robert Kubica: “there was always competition. But they didn’t fight. It was friendly competition. There was always laughing afterwards.” // “they would even have races to eat pizza”

They often shared hotel rooms at the races which was a “scene of many wrestling matches between them”

Dino Chiesa (their karting boss) – “many times I was called by reception about some problem in the room. It might be noise, or they might have broken something. They would never sleep so they were always tired the next morning”

“they both liked ice cream so much, particularly vanilla. During the night they wanted to eat ice cream always, so I had to go out everywhere to find some and keep them happy”

Lewis would often persuade Nico to buy him sweets

They would have competitions over LITERALLY EVERYTHING

Lewis: “we always had great competition whether on the racetrack or computer games or playing football”

“probably the first bit of competition we had was when Nico used to ride a unicycle everywhere so I thought, ‘I’ve got to learn how to ride this unicycle. Ive got to be better than him.’ I spent all my time outside the go-kart learning to ride this unicycle”

Apparently it only took Lewis 2 hours to teach himself how to do it

In maybe 2013 ish (when they were still friends) Lewis reflected with– “I have never laughed so much than when we were racing together. Nico was kicking everyone’s butt at that time. We had so great races together and built a great relationship”

“we were just arriving and enjoying go-karts and eating pizzas every weekend, fighting all the time and just having fun, whereas now it’s all business.”

many times they would talk about what they would do when they got to f1, made plans hoping to be teammates and become world champions together.

“Nico would say ‘when I’m in formula one’ and for me it was always ‘if I ever get to formula one’. Because obviously Nico’s dad was a formula 1 driver- he knew he was going to make it.”

F1

Nico joined f1 in 2006 with williams, Lewis 2007 with McLaren. And man I WISH I knew what went down with this two when Lewis nearly one his rookie season (missing out by one point to mr fernando alonso) and then WON THE CHAMPIONSHIP in his SECOND SEASON (again by one point thank you mr alonso)

2008 Australia

Nicos gets his first podium, and ofc Lewis is there (he won it) and they are jumping around in the cool down room. Just, two kids who are literally living the one thing they have spent their whole lives dreaming about together. Lewis won the championship that year and oh wow I can only imagine their celebrations together.

2013

They’re teammates in Mercedes!!!

Nico: “every other day there are moments or things that pop up and I can smirk and thing, ‘that’s exactly the same as it was 15 years ago’”

2013 Malaysian Grand Prix gets an honourable mention. This is the race with red bulls good old multi 21 but merc also had their own team orders, stopping nico from fighting for his first merc podium, but Lewis disagreed with it so it didn’t really spark that much tension between them- more the team.

2014

the start of the turbo-hybrid era so y’all know this was good in terms of performance.

2014 Bahrain Grand Prix

They were both fighting for the win and had a collision which prompted a “mock fight” in parc ferme after the race (which I really hope there’s a video of).

Turns out, Nico won because he had used engine modes banned by Mercedes to get a power advantage in the closing laps. which kinda pissed Lewis off

2014 Spanish Grand Prix

Lewis’ fourth win in a row and took lead in the championship. They were fighting till literally the last second and Lewis crossed the line 0.6 seconds ahead of Nico, who says he could have passed him with one more lap.

Lewis defended using the same banned engine modes that Nico had used in Bahrain. Yeah.

2014 Monaco Grand Prix

This is IT. This is peak petty bitch. This is the one people still cry about.

It’s the end of Q3, both of them are out on a lap, Nico ahead of lewis. Nico’s already on provisional pole but Lewis is pretty close.

And then,, Nico just,, parks his car?? He says he made a mistake but the guy doesn’t even crash he straight up just,, rolls to a stop into a slip road. So the yellow flags come out forcing Lewis to abort a lap that was in the makings of pole.

The stewards say it was a-okay but Lewis was convinced it was intentional (and let’s be honest, yeah it probably was) and he even claimed that merc’s data proved it. (low key surprised he didn’t just tweet out the telemetry but I guess he got a stern telling off from mclaren last time)

But *this* is when Lewis tells the world that they aren’t friends anymore. An iconic interview.

Nico then wins the race too, ending Lewis’s four win streak and putting Nico in the lead of the championship.

2014 Hungarian Grand Prix

Lewis has an engine failure in quali meaning he starts from the pit lane, but he does good to make his way up the pack but THEN there’s a safety car which puts him ahead of Nico but on a different strategy.

Nico asks if Lewis can let him past as he needs to pit again before the end of the race, which will give him the place back anyways. Lewis straight up refuses, he’s on a role here. He started from last, and Nico started from pole, why should he slow down to let his title rival through.

Mercedes strongly suggest that his blocking fucked up Nicos race but Niki Lauda is on Lewis’ side so he doesn’t get punished (We stan a supportive father figure) even though he did blatantly refuse to be a team player.

And guys, this is the last race before the summer break so you know Nico was left seething for four weeks.

2014 Belgian Grand Prix

Second lap, Nico attempts a clumsy move and there’s contact, giving Hamilton a puncture and knocking him out of the race.

There’s a lot of controversy but basically it turns out he crashed with him intentionally, not backing out of the corner to “prove a point”. Nico ended up finishing second but was punished by the team, forced to apologise, and even booed on the podium.

2014 Abu Dhabi

For some reason it ran for double points?? The first time in History??? But idk???

Lewis had a perfect start and went on to win it and take the title, Nico had a problem and was told to retire the car but he kept going anyway and finished 14th. Nico went into the cool down room to congratulate Lewis on the championship win, which. cute.

Lewis claimed his second championship. Which not only was huge because of the inter team rivalry, but also because of the large gap between his first win. This guy had lost out on winning the championship in his ROOKIE season by ONE POINT, and then WON it in his SECOND season, and then there was like a FIVE YEAR gap before he won it again.

2015

Damnnn this car was fiiiinneeeeeee.

They do more laps in testing than any other car AND do it on a single power unit. And then. Australia. They take a one-two THIRTY FOUR seconds ahead of the third place Ferrari.

2015 Chinese Grand Prix

Nico is second in a one-two but claims that Lewis kept backing him up into Seb, trying to compromise his race (and help out his boyfriend).

Lewis gave zero shits: "It's not my job to look after Nico's race, it's my job to manage the car and bring the car home as healthy and as fast as possible. That's what I did."

2015 U.S. Grand Prix

If Lewis wins here he could also claim the title with three races to spare (you have to remember back then the title fight often went up to the last race so this was pretty cool)

Lewis very aggressively forced Rosberg wide at Turn 1 to claim the lead, and then there was some sexy fighting between the Mercs and Redbull all race. Nico led in the closing stages but made a mistake, running deep into a corner and letting Lewis past with only a handful of laps to go.

Nico finished P2 and had not only lost the race but the championship title. Nico was fuming, saying Lewis’ move at the start was “one step too far”.

This is the infamous cap throw in the cool down room. Lewis throws Nico his P2 hat, Nico straight up yeets it back at him. I tear up just thinking about it. They grow up so fast.

2016

Nico had came so close to winning and I guess this was just, the last straw. All or nothing. This year he literally gave it everything he had. Lewis and him stopped speaking, Nico gave up literally the rest of his life and even stopped sleeping in the same bed as his wife and taking care of his kids, instead spending every moment trying to get into Lewis’ head. Honestly, I think he might be the only one that could beat Lewis. Just because he knew him *so well*. He literally threw away like 16 years of friendship. But also it’s like, he had to be world champion. He *had to*. His dad was champion and his whole life he’s been preparing to win it too. Tough luck that he raced in the same era as Mr. Best Driver The Sport Has Ever Seen.

Nico won the last few races of 2015, and the first four races of 2016. Lewis had a couple car problems and Nico had a good lead on him in the championship.

2016 Spanish Grand Prix

Gentlemen. A short view back to the past. Nico had made a switch error on the formation lap causing the car to go into the wrong engine mode. So he was running a lot slower than Lewis, who was fighting to claim back the lead.

Nico closed the door to keep him back, and Lewis lost control on the grass, and spins into Nico and taking them both out of the race in the first lap. This is probably one of the most iconic crashes. I’m pretty sure there’s a clip of this somewhere in black and white with the titanic music over the top.

Niki Lauda blamed this one on Lewis (I guess even a supportive dad has to be critical sometimes) "Lewis is too aggressive. It is stupid, we could've won this race".

2016 Austrian Grand Prix

Nico had been struggling with a brake issue all race but was still on the way to win it. But in the last lap Lewis had caught him up and gone in for the overtake.

Typical Nico not taking any shit, refusing to be the guy that backs out and they collide. Lewis took the win and a damaged Nico dropped to fourth. From first. In the last lap.

Both of them blamed each other and tired dad team boss Toto Wolff threatened team orders in future races.

The stewards blamed Nico for the incident, issuing him two penalty points for failing to allow "racing room" and causing a collision.

2016 Abu Dhabi

In the final laps of the race, Lewis ignored team-orders from his race engineer and the technical director.

He deliberately slowed and backed Nico into the pack hoping they overtake him, and there would be enough of a points difference to win the title.

Nico finished second and won the title by five points.

And then,,, Nico announced a surprise retirement during the FIA prize giving ceremony.

Lewis’ response:

"This is the first time he's won in 18 years, hence why it was not a surprise that he decided to stop.” (We stan a petty king)

“But he's also got a family to focus on and probably wants to have more children. Formula One takes up so much of your time."

“In terms of missing the rivalry, of course because we started karting when we were 13 and we would always talk about being champions. When I joined this team, Nico was there, which was something we spoke about when we were kids. So it's going to be very, very strange, and, for sure, it will be sad to not have him in the team next year."

And now they are kind of on speaking terms but not really, they are both pretty private but I think they are at the ‘awkward small talk when we run into each other at the supermarket’ stage of the break up.

[wizkiddx]

your song blurb

hello!! sorry ive been so inactive and I have got a number of req that I am trying to work through - I am sorry, please be as patient as you can with me. general life shit and all hasn't been ideal. I am aware I reaaallly need to update my master list and will get round to it when I can I promise ;)

also have lots of asks abt the t + z situation but all I have to say is im so very happy for them and hope people respect their privacy ;)

harryhollandxreader // friends --> lovers blurb

summary: harry never sings in front of you, until you need it

//////////////////////////

There were some things that Harry, even after being friends for years, kept close to his chest. The one that you always tried to catch him out on was his singing. For some unknown reason, he was super self conscious of it. Every time he was nonchalantly humming along to himself, all it took was for you to make a single sound, and he’d immediately lock his mouth shut. From those fleeting moments, you had thought he didn’t even sound half bad, hence where your frustrations drew.

Because whilst you, who sounded like a cat being tortured, would scream your lungs out - Harry, who wasn’t even that bad, refused to make a fool out of himself.

It was exactly what had happened this evening when you had let yourself into Tom’s house otherwise unannounced. It’d been years since you’d been given a spare key by Harry - when they were both away, you often ‘house-sat’ for Tom; plus, you spent most evenings there too because that was where your best mate was.

Tom had messaged on the group chat to say he would be out for the evening, and Haz was around his girlfriends tonight, meaning on arrival, you’d known it’d just be you and Harry. So once you heard the quiet tune of a song, that you couldn’t quite place yet, safe to say you were on stealth mode. Sliding your shoes off and wincing as the floorboards creaked a little, you slowly crept through the house to find your frizzy-haired friend.

Sure enough, as you made your way through the kitchen, you found him stood over the hob, stirring round a wooden spoon of a saucepan - presumably filled with pasta he’d promised to have ready for you. Pouting as you leaned on the doorframe and crossed your arms, marvelling at him. He was dressed just in grey joggers and his favourite pink hoodie, arms rolled up to his elbow as the poor boy slaved away at the stove.

You stayed silent, to what you now recognised as billy joel, only unable to stifle a giggle when he reached a particularly high note. Like a rabbit caught in headlights, he jumped around and yelled, eyes fiery and pointed at you.

“OH fuck off Y/n!!”

“Billy Joel, an old school choice.” You smirked, now walking into the room to greet him properly.

“How long have you been stalking on me?”

“It’s not stalking if the stalkee gave me the key.”

“I don’t think that’s admissible in court.” He deadpanned back, pouting for a couple more seconds before finally shooting you a wide grin. The boy held his arms out, welcoming you into a proper greeting hug. Happily reciprocating, you inhaled deeply with your face pressed into the crook of his shoulder.

“How was work?” He murmured, already guessing the answer correctly.

“Shit. Exhausting. Hell, you want any more adjectives?” Harry just snorted back as you leaned away from his warmth.

“Nah rule of three is quite enough. Did you never pay attention in GCSE english?”

“Fuck off you can’t even spell GCSE.”

That was always how your friendship had been; it had always been a piss-taking battle. You simply were one of the boys - or at least that’s what you thought. Said boys though (meaning Sam, Tom, Harrison, Tuwaine and even Paddy) disagreed. You didn’t know, or didn’t believe, that Harry did NOT treat you like one of the boys. He cared about you differently, too. Tom thought it didn’t stop there, that Harry did in fact love you.

And yes, you might’ve admitted to Harrison on one very, very drunken night that you had occasionally thought of Harry as something more than your sarky friend. He had been since sworn to silence, though Haz had in fact, told Tom - who only replied with an ‘i told you so’.

Even though everyone else saw your relationship as complicated, to you and Harry it was just simple. You were just the best of friends.

And that’s how the evening went. The two of you were just messing around as usual; after eating the tomatoey pasta creation Harry had tried, you both made a right mess of the washing up - water ending up coating the floor and maybe one of the walls too (Tom would never know). And just like usual, it ended with you sprawled out on one sofa, Harry mirroring you on the adjacent one.

It was love island season, which meant every night at 9 pm there was only one place on earth either of you would be. On your respective sofas, watching the most trashy tv in the world.

Tonight though, no matter how excited you were for the next instalment of who-likes-who, your day of work caught up with you. Not that you noticed, but you’d pretty much passed out as soon as the opening scenes started. There were only two minutes of silence before Harry registered something was up - typically, he was trying to make you shut up so he could actually hear the TV. To investigate, he jumped off the sofa and leaned over the couch, the sight making him pout.

He knew work had been super stressful recently; and he also knew that your insomnia had been coming back with a vengeance. So instead of treating you like ‘one of the boys’ and throwing things until you woke up - Harry used a different approach. He draped the blanket that hung off the side of the sofa over you, biting back a slight smile as you huffed in appreciation for the soft quilt. Then Harry left you alone, knowing you could do with every little bit of rest you could get.

That was all good until it reached the third set of adverts when Harry heard you huff and move about on the sofa. And then again and again. Then again with what sounded like a bit of whimper too.

Brows furrowed, he paused the TV and slowly got up, rounding the sofa to see you somewhat matching his expression. Your face was contorted in one of distress, and you kept thrashing your head from side to side of the pillow. It didn’t take a genius to work out; this was your nightmares rearing their ugly heads.

Harry just wanted to stop this for you. Although the two of you were never particularly ‘mushy’ or vulnerable with each other - he knew just how much you were suffering recently. So without much thought into it, Harry knelt down to sit on the floor, side leaning up against the sofa as he looked towards you. Trying to hush you, he ran his hand over your forehead and over the top of your hair, though it seemed to take little effect. And then, again entirely without hesitation, Harry started to softly sing.

It’s a little bit funny

This feeling inside

I’m not one of those who can easily hide

Why Elton John was the first that came to mind was a mystery to Harry - except maybe that the lyrics ran true a little.

And you can tell everybody

This is your song

It may be quite simple, but now that it’s done

I hope you don’t mind

I hope you don’t mind

That I put down in the words

How wonderful life is while you’re in the world

You’d always loved old 70s music, you were the one that had properly got you into all that stuff - the beatles, billy joel, elton, even a bit of springsteen. He owed half his music taste to your Spotify playlists, even if he’d never admit it to your face.

So excuse me forgetting

But these things I do

You see I’ve forgotten, if they’re green or they’re blue

Anyway the thing is, what I really mean

Yours are the sweetest eyes I’ve ever seen

With a final huff, you finally settled down, Harry swore he could see all the discomfort literally melting away from your face. It took a minute but your breath evened out, mumbling something incomprehensible as you curled up toward him on the edge of the sofa.

This wasn't the first time he’d sang to you in your sleep - and he sort of hoped it wouldn't be the last either.

feedback is really appreciated <3

harry taglist : @euphorichxlland @lovehollandy12 @pandaxnienke @msmimimerton @crossyourpeter @hallecarey1

[writingsfromhome]

Nuclear Family III

Part 3: Family Meals

A/N: This one gets a little bit more complicated for Y/N, feelings are definitely involved. Thank you everyone for reading/liking/reblogging/commenting!!! <3

Part I / Part II / Part III / Part IV / Part V

---------------------

The next day goes by without incident. Harry takes Charlie to the park as I stay home and catch up on missed work. Around 3 in the afternoon, with the sun shining brightly, I leave the flat with an itch in my leg. I'd spent too long indoors. I text Harry saying that I was stepping out.

"Y/N?" Someone calls as I'm about to leave the building. I spot a familiar face and shout out in excitement.

"Marc! I forgot you lived in the same building oh my god!"

"I knew you were in London but I wondered why you never callled...you're living with Harry?" He asks tentatively.

"Yeah," I laugh awkwardly. "Mixup with the air bnb my first day, so we're all here. It's great though, a little hectic but great. Charlie loves it."

"I bet she does," he grins. I forgot he was so handsome. The thing with Marc and I was, we were friends but ever since he came down to LA last year we sort of redefined our friendship to include a few perks. But it worked with us, we only saw each other once in a blue moon. And we were chronically single-me being too busy with being a mother and Marc too busy because directing a magazine meant no time for relationships. So because we got along so well, and we enjoyed the time we spent. We decided to live a little and do something risky. It paid off.

"You should come over some time! Charlie would love to see you too, she still talks about the day we went to Disneyland." Marc crashed at my place last year and Charlie took to him immediately. Maybe because he had the same accent her dad had.

"Maybe I will...and maybe you and I could catch up too sometime if you're free..."

"I'm free now, Marc," I laugh at his attempt to sound discrete. Staying at Harry's, it might get complicated if I invite Marc over. At least until after Charlie's birthday. There were too many things going on until then.

Marc joins me for a bite and by the time I get home Harry and Charlie are home and playing with a new toy she'd gotten. I watch fondly and feel a sense of relief. Charlie loved her time here and that was all I needed to see. A big concern staying with Harry was confusing Charlie where we stood but we were all good so far.

The next couple days go smoothly too. Harry goes out some evenings with his girlfriend and spends most of the days with Charlie, unless he's working. Charlie and I see a play and visit some old friends and we settle into London quicker than expected.

"Are you busy tomorrow evening?" Harry asks that morning.

"I was just going to make dinner at home, big day on Sunday." I take my reading glasses off to focus on Harry.

"My family was thinking of coming tomorrow."

The statement lands with a thud on my chest.

"Oh. Well...I'm sure Charlie will be glad to meet them!"

"You've got to be there. Please Y/N? They're staying for Charlie's birthday on Sunday."

"I..." I glance at Charlie who's curled on the sofa with her stuffed animal. I'd have to see them either way now that I was living here. "Alright. I'll be there."

"Perfect," Harry reaches out to squeeze my hand and I have to remind myself not to jerk it away.

Yes-the last few days have been well. Logistically. But emotionally, I was just as confused and angry at feeling that way. Harry went on dates with his girlfriend but during breakfasts we shared, his gaze would linger. His hand would brush mine, as he showed me something funny on his phone. Or when Charlie forced us to sit with her and play with her stuffed toys, he would make up silly scenes that forced us to be closer. The vibes between us felt tense sometimes and other times it felt like I could lean over and kiss him and the three years apart would disappear.

"I'll let them know." Harry continues about settling the date. "It works perfectly because Gemma was suggesting tomorrow too, and Miranda's free too."

"Miranda?" I ask. Had I heard correctly?

"Yeah. She's got to fly out Sunday for a shoot next week so I won't be seeing her all week. Tomorrow works."

"Miranda's coming to the family dinner?" I ask again, my voice sounding hollow to me. Was Harry an absolute idiot?

"Yeah! My whole family knows her-she's been around for my mum's birthday and Christmas."

Harry really was an idiot. He didn't notice my tone of voice or how ridiculous that was.

"I'm quite tired," I close my laptop screen. "We'll talk later?"

"Yeah." Harry pauses, picking up on my abrupt excuse. "I'll-yeah..."

I don't let him finish. I head to my room and toss my laptop onto the bed, combing my hand through my hair and sighing. I had to stop getting worked up about Harry and Miranda. They were a gorgeous couple and there was no way Harry still wanted me. He was only this nice to me because of the daughter we shared-there were no other feelings involved. I think about inviting Marc, but decide it's too petty. This was about Charlie and maybe I really should just get serious about finding other living accommodations.

***

Charlie sits in front of the TV as I get ready for dinner. The nerves in my stomach are more knotted than a pair of headphones in a handbag. I smooth down my green blouse and look down at my slacks. Maybe I should wear a dress; I looked like I was going to a meeting.

"You look nice," Harry's voice comes from the open doorway.

"I don't look like I'm going to give my first big corporate presentation?" I ask. He shakes his head but I watch his eyes skim over the outfit. He bites his lip to keep from laughing. "Ugh! I knew it. I have to change!"

"No you don't," Harry says, catching my arm on the way out. "You look great in anything."

I roll my eyes, "I know I look great in anything, but I'm having a dinner and I need to find something more appropriate!"

Harry chuckles but follows me back to my room where I toss through the closet. "It's just my family, they don't care what you look like."

"It's not that simple,” I rant, untying the knot around my neck. Why did I even bring this top? “I can’t just throw anything on and call it a night! I have to feel good in it too!”

He steps into the room and tracks my frantic movements from closet to dresser to suitcase. He stops me on my second round to the closet and takes the blouse out of my hands to hold them. "I think you’ll look great in anything, pick something and get on. Just tell your nerves to fuck off.”

“Harry!” I scold, I didn’t want Charlie hearing or she wouldn’t stop saying it.

“Sorry,” he says sheepishly, a small smile on his face displaying his dimples.

Noticing it, I’m suddenly aware of how we’re standing together. His hands still hold mine, and when I look into his eyes, they’re watching me. This. This is what I meant. Everything was fine living together, but Harry’s gaze, every time I caught it, it would be on me. And it was a heavy gaze. He always seemed like he was deep in thought yet noticing every little detail about me, conflicted, but thoughtful. It usually made me feel self-conscious.

“What’s going on in that head of yours?” I give it a shot.

“What?”

“You got so serious,” I try again. “What are you thinking about.”

“You want to know?” Harry seems surprised, which surprises me. Why wouldn’t I want to know what he was thinking about? I nod, and he lets go of my hands. “I was just thinking about you giving a presentation in that outfit, I would-ouch!”

Harry rubs his shoulder where I’d pushed him. I cross my arms, “That’s what you get for making fun-”

“I wasn’t making fun!” Harry swears. “I was trying to say, what I wouldn’t give to sit in on that presentation.”

Heat rushes to my face, I look away from Harry back to my closet. This was too much. "Okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. I'll just...wear...this." I pull out a simple black dress with a pretty neckline and hold it out in front of me, as if it would stop Harry from walking over to me again. When I think he’ll stop, he continues so I take a few steps back until my back hits the closet door.

“Good choice,” he says but his eyes leave a heated trail from my untied blouse up to my lips and then my eyes that are wide in panic.

He’s incredibly close, and I’m freaking out so I nervously tell him I should get dressed. When he doesn’t back away, I lift the dress up in the little space between us. “Harry, I need to change. Are you going to watch me or give me some privacy?”

That seems to snap him out of whatever headspace he was in. He quickly backs up and the pink blush creeps into his cheeks. “I’ll be outside with Charlie.”

A part of me wished he stayed.

***

I join Charlie in front of the TV as we wait for dinner. When his family came in, it wasn't awkward at all. They greeted me like I was still part of their family, and catching up was effortless. They fawned over Charlie and she adored it. It helped Gemma brought her boyfriend (bf), I wasn't the only non-Styles here.

"Is everything alright?" I ask as my eyes scan the room and find Harry typing furiously at his phone.

"Uh yeah," he responds. "Just Miranda. Had something planned later tonight and she didn't realise dinner would be this late."

"Well your family is coming from outside of London," I say, already regretting asking in the first place.

"Yeah," Harry mumbles, still typing. I was clearly not needed there so I join Harry's mom who's trying to arrange the bouquet Gemma brought. We talk as we work, setting up the table even though Harry was throwing this. His mom waves his help away when he finally realises and he easily goes back to Charlie who's showing off all her stuffed animals.

The mood shifts when Miranda appears with her bottle of wine and a suitcase. I try to ignore the sting I feel when he pulls her into an embrace and takes the bottle from her, I try not to compare myself to her. To the way Harry acts with her, and with me in private. I try not to think about what it meant, and try to focus on the dinner instead.

Harry's family remains just as nice, but the problem is it goes from having a family dinner for Charlie's sake to hosting a dinner. It's only when everyone is busy with their glass of wine that Gemma leans into me and says, "I told the idiot not to invite his girlfriend to a family thing but he said there was nothing wrong with that."

"He told me pretty last minute," I respond.

"Don't get me wrong-she's lovely, but it just makes something like this awkward."

"I'm alright," I lie through my teeth.

"Sure," Gemma winks at me before her attention is pulled away by her bf. At least there was one Styles that understood me without me having to say.

•••

"I'm starting school in September," Charlie informs the table halfway through dinner.

"You're growing up so fast," Harry's mum smiles at Charlie.

"That's a big step," Miranda comments and as much as I hated to admit it-she wasn't so bad with Charlie. She made a solid effort and Charlie responded well to her. She was her boyfriend's daughter though, and she usually avoided speaking to me unless Harry was involve, but I was okay with that. 

"Then I'll be five next year!" Charlie continues. I explain to the table how obsessed she was with turning five.

"Because that's when she gets to drink coffee right darling?" Harry nudges Charlie and she grins.

"Coffee!" She shouts and we all laugh but as she soaks in the attention she begins shouting it louder.

"Charlotte," I warn. She glances at me and then looks back at her plate.

"She's just excited we're all here," Gemma comments. "Isn't that right Ms. Y/L/N?"

Charlie beams at being called by her last name, like a teacher would.

"Has she not taken on your last name?" Miranda suddenly asks Harry and it goes silent at the table except for Charlie's humming.

"Uh no," Harry scratches his neck. The rest of the dinner table busies themselves in their food.

"She's always lived with me," I clarify, trying to sweep away the sudden awkwardness. The awkwardness comes from how Harry and I broke up because he didn't know what to do with himself when he realised he was having a baby. There was no way he was ever raising her alone. Not at first anyway, that was when I insisted she keep my last name. "So it makes sense."

Miranda glances between us but bf breaks the silence. "Gemma wants our kids to have her last name, I said hyphenating it wouldn't be too bad."

"It gets too confusing," Gemma says. "Styles is a nice, simple, last name."

"Always in Style," Harry exclaims at the same time I say something similar. We laugh which confuses Charlie enough to tug on my sleeve. She asks for more mashed potatoes and I give them to her. Soon after, Harry's mum brings out the dessert she brought and we all enjoy it with more wine. As the night nears, Gemma and her bf stay behind with Miranda. When Charlie begins cuddling into me on the couch, I put her to sleep, but she whines when I leave so I tell the group I was calling it a night and wash up while Charlie stands with me as I wash my face. She was being unusually clingy but I figure all the attention and new interactions were exciting but also exhausting for her. She just wanted her mum and that warms my heart.

"Did you want anything before you put her to bed?" Harry pops his head in as I'm tucking Charlie's toys around her.

"I'm alright," I smile. "Tonight was nice. Thanks for putting it all together."

"Thanks for staying," Harry moves into the room and kisses the top of our kid's head. I remember the other night when he did the same to me. "It was really nice with you, Charlotte, my family-it meant a lot."

"For her too," I look to our daughter who is finally settling into sleep knowing I had stayed and changed for her. "Although I'm paying the consequence being forced to sleep at 10pm."

Harry chuckles. "Best get your beauty sleep then."

"Yeah," I peel back the covers and wait for Harry to leave but he pauses with his hand on the doorknob and turns back to me.

"Tonight reminded me of old times," Harry says and I can tell he's lost in time as he smiles at the floor. "I haven't felt this happy in a while." His statement makes me sad, and when he looks up at me his expression is tinged with regret. But he forces a smile and nods. "See you tomorrow."

"Harry," I don't know what it was that makes me stop him. Maybe the way he looked at me with the unbearable sadness, or the fourth glass of wine I drank, or feeling the same immeasurable amount of happiness he did tonight. But I walk towards him and wrap my arms around his neck. I indulge myself and bury my nose in his neck and almost cry at the familiarity; the way his hands were always cold as they wrapped around me too, but warmed as they squeezed me to him. His fresh laundry smell mixed with the sandalwood perfume he favoured. Or his body and the way he engulfed me into his chest, like I could carve a home out of it and stay there again.

He sighs as he pulls me tighter, "Y/N-"

"Mom?" A tired voice asks behind me and I rip myself away from Harry to look at Charlotte. She's propped herself on her elbow and is looking between me and her dad.

Shit. Why did I do that? Why did I just make things complicated? Harry's girlfriend was right outside! Our daughter was in this room! I couldn't afford to confuse her or myself. Jesus.

"I'm coming to bed!" I walk towards her to soothe her and I hear Harry slip out of the room.

"She's having a hard time falling asleep," I hear Harry lie from the living room and my heart sinks further in my chest. If he was lying over a shared conversation, a shared hug, then something was wrong and I would have to make it extra clear tomorrow that we were nothing more than polite. Especially as it was Charlie's fourth birthday tomorrow. It had to be perfect.

•••

A small finger pokes my cheeks, "Mommy?" I had no idea what time it was but my head rings with a hangover. I hadn't drank this much in a while. I realise I wasn't having auditory hallucinations when Charlie's voice comes again. "Mom?"

"Charlie what time-" I try to crack an eye open and the clock says 6am. I groan and pull Charlie towards me, eyes still closed. "Why are you up so early birthday girl?"

"Mommy?" When Charlie doesn't respond to the mention of her birthday I know something might be wrong. I force my eyes open, Charlie stares up at me with sad baby doll eyes. My mom alarm starts ringing.

"What's the matter?" I ask, noticing the door was open. She must have woken up earlier.

She shakes her head and buries her head into my chest. I clutch her to me, unsure why she was upset. I'll ask her later, right now, I try to cheer her up.

"My baby is such a big girl now. Hey, what's the matter?"

"Does daddd love us?" She asks innocently. I'm startled by her question, so out of the blue.

"Of course he does. He loves you more than anything in the world. And I love you too. Although I would also love a bit more sleep." I tease her. She wraps her arms around my neck. "Happy birthday, Charlie. I love you."

"I love you too," she surprises me by getting under her covers; once Charlie was up, she never fell back asleep. Maybe this was a birthday miracle, but I snuggle into the warmth. Charlie's behaviour still niggles away at the back of my mind but I eventually drift off to sleep and just pray the rest of her birthday would be happier.

[wellhalesbells]

✨✨ TOP FIVES FOR 2020 ✨✨

2020 was, i think we can all agree, a massively chaotic year but i have never consumed as much media before in my life, so i thought others might benefit from my slothery uh, connoisseur.... ship?  yes, that.  below are the books, comics, shows, and movies that got me through!

B O O K S .

the starless sea, by erin morgenstern - i loooove this book because it loves me back.  it says: ‘oh, you’re a reader, well i have just the thing for you.’  it luxuriates in language and story and riddles and fairy tales and it feels like an entire library in a single tome.

they never learn, by layne fargo - oh fuuuuuck, this was satisfying.  i thought it might feel a little exploitative as it is very aware of the zeitgeist and likely would not exist without the #metoo movement but it never ever did.  this was a fucking ROMP, period.  reading about a woman getting away with murdering skeezy guy after rapey guy after shitty human just made me happier and happier.

moonflower murders, by anthony horowitz - this is the second in the susan ryeland series (and the first was hardcore good fun too) and really feels very classic mystery with the artful twist of catering to the literary community.  mainly because: susan isn’t a detective, she’s an editor and she gets drafted in this time because the clue to what happened to a missing woman is in a book she edited, if she can find it.  both of the books in this series have such an excellent coming together moment that is rare af to find.

the invisible life of addie larue, by v.e. schwab - the writing in this is just so good.  it has that feel to me where i just want to drop the book and open up my own page and let my fingers fly.  it’s that inspiring kind of writing that reminds you of all the things language can do.

crown of feathers/heart of flames, by nicki pau preto - aaahhh, this series is SO FREAKING GOOD!  why is there not more of a fandom for it, why???? it is so many of my favorite tropes all resting perfectly together to the point where you almost forget they’re tropes because they just so naturally evolved there.  ugh, it’s just.... it’s so heart-bursty good.

.... number 5, part 2?  raybearer, by jordan ifueko - this was just so original and i was invested af.  like, what a brilliant idea though and an even better execution??  i loved every character and am so looking forward to the next in the series so i can get to know them even better!!

honorable mentions (sh*t i still liked a whole heckuva lot): you/hidden bodies, by caroline kepnes // writers & lovers, by lily king // i’ll be gone in the dark, by michelle mcnamara // the faceless old woman who secretly lives in your home, by joseph fink & jeffrey cranor // girl, serpent, thorn, by melissa bashardoust // a little life, by hanya yanagihara // the guinevere deception, by kiersten white // obsidio (and the entire illuminae series), by amie kaufman & jay kristoff // the bone houses, by emily lloyd-jones // house of salt and sorrows, by erin a. craig // we hunt the flame, by hafsah faizal // savage legion, by matt wallace // blacktop wasteland, by s.a. cosby // crier’s war, by nina varela // the empress of salt and fortune/when the tiger came down the mountain, by nghi vo // upright women wanted, by sarah gailey // the monster of elendhaven, by jennifer giesbrecht // a deadly education, by naomi novik // you let me in, by camilla bruce // when you ask me where i’m going, by jasmin kaur // the lights go out in lychford/last stand in lychford (and the entire lychford series), by paul cornell // the devil and the dark water, by stuart turton // serpent & dove, by shelby mahurin // one by one, by ruth ware // ruthless gods (this was SUCH an upshot from the first book - it’s worth sticking with if you’re on the fence), by emily a. duncan // cemetery boys, by aiden thomas // the inheritance games, by jennifer lynn barnes // the fortunate ones (2021 release), by ed tarkington

C O M I C S .

cosmoknights, by hannah templer - the art was gorgeous, the gayness was glorious, and just.... hot HOOOOOOOOT lady knights in space?!  a princess winning her own hand?  find something not to love in there, i dare you.

don’t go without me, by rosemary valero-o’connell - wow. wow wow wow wow wow.  the writing was stunning, so lyrical and atmospheric and deep, and rosemary has to be one of my favorite artists but even that managed to come as a beautiful surprise because it was just so freaking bold.

through the woods, by emily carroll - i loooove emily carroll, the convergence of spine-tingling horror and art that feeds into it, that is both visually and aesthetically pleasing, is hard to beat!  p.s. i also read beneath the dead oak tree from her this year and it was also a BANGER.

the impending blindness of billie scott, by zoe thorogood - zoe is someone that i just want to follow.  she’s just starting and i want to be there for every single step.  i love her art style and her ability to tell a story with it.

above the clouds, by melissa pagluica - this was so unique, and such a baller concept, as nearly half the entire book is conveyed only through the art and yet you’re never once lost, never once confused as to what any character is thinking or feeling.  it’s a story within a story and only one of those gets words though they both are chock full of emotion!

um.... number 5, part 2? crowded, by christopher sebela - everything about this series is fun af.  crowd-funded assassination and a hirable bodyguard who’s rated like an uber driver???  and the chemistry between the two mains is so great and gay!!

honorable mentions: monster and the beast, by renji // long exposure, by kam ‘mars’ heyward // fence, by c.s. pacat // invisible kingdom, by g. willow wilson // ms. marvel, by g. willow wilson // heathen, by natasha alterici // not drunk enough, by tess stone // giant days, by john allison // die, by kieron gillen // be prepared, by vera brosgol // ascender (sequel to descender, which is also great), by jeff lemire // the unbeatable squirrel girl, by ryan north // bang! bang! boom!, by melanie schoen // gideon falls, by jeff lemire // life of melody, by mari costa // cry wolf girl, by ariel slamet ries // the tea dragon society, by katie o’neill // ptsd, by guillaume singelin // heartstopper, by alice oseman // solutions and other problems, by allie brosh // finding home, by hari conner // the magic fish, by trung le nguyen // something is killing the children, by james tynion iv // the weight of them, by noelle stevenson // spill zone, by scott westerfeld // skyward, by joe henderson // miles morales, by saladin ahmed

F I L M S.

parasite, dir. bong joon ho - oh it was satisfying, oh it was suspenseful, oh i had to watch some of it through my fingers but i loooooooved it.  such a good story and so well made.

knives out, dir. rian johnson - okay, everything about this movie was amazing.  every single character was fun as hell and i could’ve watched an entire movie about each of them.  what a great fucking mystery!

blindspotting, dir. carlos lopez estrada -  this made my heart hurt so damn much.  what glorious writing, acting, and story!

portrait of a lady on fire, dir. celine sciamma - gooooorgeous cinematography, amazing chemistry, and such a soft, atmospheric film.

the farewell, dir. lulu wang - i cried and my heart felt so full and i love it so so much.

um.... number 5, part 2? someone great, dir. jennifer kaytin robinson - no part of me expected to love a netflix movie this much but it’s a love story that doesn’t get told that often??  the end of a relationship and the true love of friendship and i love these girls and i love jenny and nate’s broken relationship.

honorable mentions: eighth grade, dir. bo burnham // booksmart, dir. olivia wilde // midsommar, dir. ari aster // the curse of la llorona, dir. michael chaves // the secret life of pets 2, dirs. chris renaud & jonathan del val // jojo rabbit, dir. taika waititi // the invisible man, dir. leigh whannell // the favourite, dir. yorgos lanthimos // can you ever forgive me?, dir. marielle heller // troop zero, dirs. bert & bertie // ready or not, dirs. matt bettinelli-olpin & tyler gillett // brave, dirs. mark andrews & brenda chapman & steve purcell // the half of it, dir. alice wu // palm springs, dir. max barbakow // doctor sleep, dir. mike flanaghan // uncut gems, dirs. benny sadfie & josh sadfie // birds of prey, dir. cathy van // bloodshot, dir. dave wilson // the old guard, dir. gina prince-bythewood // enola holmes, dir. harry bradbeer // hocus pocus, dir. kenny ortega // always be my maybe, dir. nahnatchka khan // finding dory, dirs. andrew stanton & angus maclane // die hard, dir. john mctiernan

S H O W S .

black sails (2014) - this show, this shooooooooow.  i cannot, it just makes me want to cry with how good it is.  the characters, the EMOTIONS, the story, the plaaaaaan.  like, the creators clearly had a plan for every single step of this show and it was a gOOD, GOOD PLAN.

the untamed (2019) - truly, cheesy good fun with one of the best gay romances ever.  i love these characters and their relationships to each other and the way it glories in its own ridiculousness.

the righteous gemstones (2019) - one of the things that bothered me about my next choice (the ratio of female to male nudity) was so much more realistic in this one (i mean, we’ve all gotten five thousand dick pics and i know like three people?  so the fact that there is so rarely male nudity in shows when there are tits everywhere..... no, how does that even make a tiny bit of sense?).  this show was such great, wonderful, awful fun.  they’re not great people and the show is under no delusion about that and it’s GLORIOUS!

the witcher (2019) - this was just hella fun, i loved the characters and the fantasy elements.  i’m excited for the next season, it’s just entertaining swashbuckling through and through!

fargo (2014) - all of this was really very enjoyable with the through line being somebody fucks shit up and gets involved in something they really shouldn’t be involved in that’s going to swallow them whole.  season one and season three were my stand-out favorites but they were all so violent, clever, and vicious!

um.... number 5, part 2? central park (2020) - um..... so many of the hamilton actors in a muscial cartoon drawn and written by the bob’s burgers team? WHAT ABOUT THAT DOESN’T SOUND AMAZING?!  it was such a joy to hear daveed diggs and leslie odom jr.’s voices again!!

honorable mentions: schitt’s creek // the mandalorian // mr. robot // broadchurch // mindhunter // jack ryan // the good place // the end of the f***ing world // big little lies // elite // kidding // servant // letterkenny // curb your enthusiasm // i am not okay with this // ozark // buzzfeed unsolved: true crime/supernatural // you // runaways // dear white people // dickinson // brooklyn nine-nine // will & grace // 9-1-1 // dead to me // solar opposites // never have i ever // killing eve // what we do in the shadows // grace and frankie // avenue 5 // roswell, new mexico // the bold type // evil // tuca & bertie // impulse // the umbrella academy // watchmen // infinity train // corporate // search party // on becoming a god in central florida // a.p. bio // criminal: uk // the morning show // mythic quest // last week tonight // prodigal son // the great

[blissfulsun]

could you pleasee do 70&76 with Jeff from the angst prompts? 💞

hello my darling!! I’m sorry this took a couple of days, but its lowkey my favourite thing Ive ever written???🥺 Hope u like it just as much, ily💓 I changed both the slightest to fit into the idea I had I hope u don’t mind!!

word count: 1,713

Pretty little fears // Jeff Wittek

Jeff Wittek was a name you knew all too well. Except it used to bring visions of playgrounds and games of hide & seek, later swapped in for nights of sneaking out and stolen liquor from your father's hidden cabinet. Now, the man standing across the living room resembled more of a stranger.

Yet you somehow noticed him, eyes still instantly drawn to his taller figure in any room, this one particularly overcrowded. Your attention shifts when the friends you came with suggest a move to the garden.

He's listening to Toddy's story, or rather trying to make sense of the drunken rambling when a familiar head of hair passes in the corner of his eyes. It can't be, he tries to convince himself, searching past surrouding faces netherless, hopeful of the outcome but you're already gone.

You keep missing each other like that most of the night, you intentionally and Jeff still unsure if longing for you has finally materialised into him imagining you there in person.

The two of you collide when David stumbles across your group of girlfriends and invites you guys to 'rate his hot and less hot friends for a video'. You have no reason to say no, unaware of his connection to your hometown friend, never one to care much about social media and its content.

You make eye contact the moment you pass the threshold into the kitchen where the vs is gathered, Jeff first to speak despite the initial shock. 'y/n/n?' Others quiten down around you, eager to understand the connection between the two of you.

‘Long time Wittek' he's slightly confused and hurt by the careless tone of your greeting, his own mind going a hundred miles an hour at simply having you in such close proximity again.

You're silently seething, body simultaneously hot with rage and cold with faked indifference. You remain that way as he closes the distance between you, stiff in his arms when Jeff pulls you into a tight embrace.

The two of you remain like that for a while, your body melting into his form without permission. When he pulls away eventually, it's only far enough to look down at your face and ask 'wanna head outside? We have some catchin' up to do'. You sigh and nod, all too knowing that he wouldn't really let you have the choice.

Jeff couldn't let you go now that you seemingly fell back into his life, his hands guiding you as if you were to get lost in the house you've been in for the better portion of the night, you let him have at least that.

As soon as the two of you are outside and in a less crowded area you step away, distancing yourself from him in spite of the puppy eyes he directs at you. 'Well?..' You ask, hands wrapping around your waist in an effort to appear stand offish, the effort noted but futile.

Jeff just thinks you look adorable trying to stay mad at him, the attempts always failing in the past: from the time he tripped and accidently fell into your pride and joy of a sandcastle at four to the days when he began to fall into the wrong crowd, showing up at your window past midnight, asking to stay the night in a broken voice you could never say no to.

That's what your relationship with Jeff was, you gave and gave and he took. It wasn't always the case, early formative years of your friendship spent in mutual affection. He would push, punch and kick the bullies and in return you would offer him half of your snacks.

Then it transitioned to fighting just about anyone, and for any reason, not just for you. Still, you would bandage up the cuts and bruises, gentle kisses healing his scars better than any ointment.

You were a team, is what both of you would say whenever questions arose, jealous girlfriends & boyfriends alike or your parents increasingly protective in light of his misbehaviours. Even his own mother, who really just wanted the best for him and you, unsure at one point if you could pull him back and if it was fair to put such pressure on a 17 year old girl. You couldn't, evidently.

Jeff continued to hang out with a crowd you refused to be around and then you left for college. He was upset at first, his fear of abandonment and simply missing you translating into weeks of radio silence until he showed up at your dorm, the two of you falling back into the friendship no one else could understand.

It was fine like that for a while and then he left for Miami, promising to stay safe and in touch, though less often than either of you would like. His seventh arrest was the final blow, you mostly unaware to the extent of his illegal activities and the number of times Jeff found himself behind bars. That last time was the worst, not only because he was sentenced to at least a couple of months but because his own mother finally informed you.

'Jeff? Seriously...' your anger snaps him out of reminiscing. You look far less eager to take a trip down memory lane, but if he's already taken up your time you might as well get some answers, you decide. 'Why?' you grit your teeth, continuing 'why did you abandon me?' It's a loaded question and you're terrified of it's outcome.

‘Darlin' Jeff tries, his hand reaching for your own but you stand your ground despite his softened expression. 'No. Enlighten me. How do you spend every day with someone, write and call for months and just...just lie until you had no choice but admit you were fuckin' dealing drugs Jeffrey.' You want to shout, holding back for the sake of not gathering yourself an audience.

Meanwhile he visibly flinches at the accusing tone of yours. After a couple of calming breaths you look up at his face and begin to feel small again, back to the little girl barely reaching his shoulders & always gripping at the sleeve of his jumper.

'That's not even the worst part...' your words are softer now, Jeff can't decide if that and the tears gathering in your eyes are worse than the angry dialogue. 'The worst part is that you never responded...to any of my letters. I drove hundred of miles as a broke ass student only to find out I was already written off your visitors list' you pause, looking up to the sky to gather yourself and prevent the waterworks begging to start.

He just watches you both in awe and undeniable pain, heart split between letting you go as to not relive the pain and bringing you into his arms, body aching for the familiar comfort no one else has ever been successful in replacing, not really. 'After everything we've been through?' The last question comes out broken.

'I'm sorry...' he scrambles to reword when he catches sight of the perplexed anger adorning your face. 'I...you were goin' places alright? You were always going to be someone great darlin'. I just slowed that down and then...the final arrest happened. And I...you didn't need to see me like that, behind bars. I would rather do it alone a million more times than to put you through that.'

Jeff can only hope his explanation comes across half as elegantly. It doesn't, he realises at your sudden outburst, 'That wasn't your choice to make! Fuck you.' The response draws some unwanted attention to the pair of you, his friends standing in a corner nearby and trying to work out your significance.

'Angel please...' Jeff decides to try an old method of calming you down, hand wrapping around the back of your neck under the cascading hair you let down for the night. Your mind is still focused on the erupting anger, but your body, it surrenders to the familiar hold, shoulders unwittingly losing tension and expression softening while he stares in your eyes.

'You weren't alone.' The softness with which you deliver your next response shocks you both. The thought continues at sight of his confusion, 'You didn't have to do it alone. We were a team, from the time we were barely four...' Jeff nods at that truth. 'I know...' he's not sure whether to continue, unsure if this was the right place or time but already in too deep with a single look into your glassy eyes.

‘I know but I loved you-' 'wha' your attempt at interruption and shocked expression is ignored. '-and I know you loved me too angel. That's why...I could never do that to you' The confession hangs in the air, but at least it's finally out there, Jeff thinks. Years of repressed emotions and regret spilling over in favour of gentle relief inside your childhood best friend.

You clear your throat, 'right..' the eye contact is broken as you force your body away from his hold. He's confused, heart dropping into his stomach in disappointment as you stiffly walk around him and back inside without another word.

Jeff takes the leap and catches up to you outside, short of breath from the chase. '-wait!! That's...that's it? ' he has to ask. You whip around to face him for the second time tonight.

‘Yes! That's fuckin' it you asshole. You single handedly ripped my heart out and disappeared from my life like it was the easiest thing in the world! Of course I have always loved you, you..you selfish arrogant little pri-' the rant was left unfinished, a soft pair of lips shutting you up.

Jeff had to kiss you. It's been all he's thought about since you stepped into the random kitchen a couple minutes ago, the need so intense and eerily reminscent of his teenage years and early adulthood, always left unfulfilled for your own sake.

This time...he's tired of denying himself the pleasure, years older and maybe wiser, unwilling to ever let you go again. 'm still mad at you..' you mumble when he finally has to pull away for some air. The laugh that escapes him both infuriates and enamores you further, 'I know darlin...but I love you too.'

[ecologistsarealwaysfine]

Starbucks is not the progressive company everyone thinks it is but when I worked there it was the single queerest place I have ever worked, and it gave me a safe place to discuss being bisexual without it being weird. I didn’t feel the need to justify my bisexuality especially given that I’m in a long term relationship with a man. I just was able to talk about it with other queer coworkers in a low pressure way where we were just sharing about life.

Ive never had a way to be sure about my sexuality because I grew up fundie lite and extremely repressed, & didn’t have my first kiss till I was 24 and my first boyfriend at 25. By the time I felt safe enough to really reflect on my experiences and feelings, I had already met my absolute saint of a boyfriend.

But like, being bisexual for me isn’t just about sexual experience. It’s how I make sense of my evolving feelings on friendship, how I’ve fucked up a lot of friendships because they were actually crushes, and how I’m better at it now because I can tell the difference between a woman I’m attracted to and a woman I have a friend crush on. It’s about other things too but that’s a big point of clarity that realizing I’m bi has brought me. I’m not actually bad at friendship, it’s just that I tend to make friendships one at a time, and in my late teens and early 20s I had a bad habit of trying to be close friends with women I had a crush on and then wondering why it was so crushing when I wasn’t getting something I wanted out of the friendship. I just assumed people didn’t like me enough to be my friend. But I don’t have crushes on every woman & it’s better to be friends with ones I just have platonic interest in. Lol.

[nothesc]

Week 7 Part IV. A Damira fic.

Here’s the last part that takes place on Saturday.

Part I here Part II here  Part III here

You can also read it on ao3

-----

SATURDAY 22:05

“Yes, I’m telling you, we were giving the gifts to the kids and one of them said ‘yeah the gifts are great but where’s the money?’” Amira tells Nora, Viri and Eva remembering what happened earlier today at the association.

“I mean, can we blame him? They’re not stupid” Eva says laughing

“They’re like little hurricanes but we love them” Dounia comments.

“I think it’s so cool what you guys do at the association” Viri says with admiration

Amira looks at Dounia, Elena and Noor and smiles, she’s very proud of the work they do at Labass.

“Amira” Nora says suddenly, pointing at something behind Amira.

She turns around and is shocked to see Kasim and Lucas entering the rooftop. Kasim never answered to her text and Amira was sure that they wouldn’t show up. She looks at Dounia to see if she knows something but she shakes her head and shrugs.

“Well, we’ll leave you alone” Nora says taking the rest of the girls with her and leaving Amira alone with Lucas and Kasim.

“Hi, I thought you wouldn’t come” Amira admits shyly

“So did I, not gonna lie” Lucas comments “But Kasim insisted and I couldn’t say no”

Amira nods and dares to look at Kasim. A wave of shame and guilt hits her.

“Kasim, I’m sorry, I’m really sorry for real. I…don’t know what to say”

“Well, that’s what the text was for, right? To apologize and explain yourself. And Amira, I’m not going to lie to you, I hated you so much when I found out you were the one that sent Dounia home but…the truth is I was shitty to you. I shouldn’t have used you or lied, I screwed up your friendship with Dounia and you didn’t deserve that, I’m sorry.

Amira nods and smiles awkwardly, knowing that Kasim forgives her calms her down but that doesn’t mean she’ll ever be proud of what she did.

“Thank you for coming” Amira looks from Kasim to Lucas and adds “both of you”

Lucas smiles and nods. Things will take a while to go back to the way it was between them but it’s a start.

Cris is late, very late, but this time is not because she wasn’t ready on time. The truth is she’s been ready for half an hour now but Joana and her are still in her room waiting for something that doesn’t seem is going to happen. Cris sighs and stands up to go, she had hope that her brother would come to Amira’s too, but he’s still in the living room with his laptop and it doesn’t look like that’s going to change.

“Come on, let’s go, we’re late” she tells Joana

The girls leave Cris’ room and go to the front door walking by the living room. Cris decides to give it one last try and stops by the sofa where Dani is.

“Hey Dani, we’re leaving for Amira’s now”

“Okay.” Dani answers, not looking up from his laptop.

Cris doesn’t move, she stands there looking at her brother waiting for a reaction. Dani can feel Cris’ stare and sighing he looks up.

“What do you want?”

“You’re really not coming?”

“Amira doesn’t want me there”

“Has she told you that?” Cris asks being fully aware of the answer for that question.

“She didn’t have to” Dani says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

Cris shakes her head and turns around to leave but, being Cris, she can’t hold back the words from spilling and turns back to her brother to tell him one last thing.

“What are you waiting for? I know you haven’t given up, Dani, I’ve seen the documents in your room” Cris sees how Dani opens his mouth to say something but quickly stops him “Don’t ever bother getting mad because I was in your room, that’s not the point. The point here is that I know you want to be with Amira, I know you haven’t given up yet and I don’t understand what’s stopping you from talking to her. Wake up Dani, before it’s too late”

Not waiting for an answer Cris, with Joana behind her, turns and leaves, this time without looking back.

“Oh my god Amira I’m going to come for dinner to your house every day. Seriously, can your parents adopt me or something?” Dilan says after trying every single dish Amira’s mom has cooked. Him, Hugo and Jorge have been eating nonstop since they arrived. Alejandro is a little bit more shy but that hasn’t stopped him either from trying almost everything.

“Hey, hey, hey, chill dude, if they adopt someone it’s going to be me, I got here first” Cris says approaching the group.

Amira turns around and sees Cris and Joana arriving together. They both greet the girls, the boys and the Labass. Finally they approach Amira. Joana and Amira greet with a fist bump like they always do. Cris on the other hand doesn’t waste a second before she jumps Amira to give her a hug.

“Giiiiiiiiirl, you’re so pretty, oh my god that gold scarf, you look like a goddess.” Cris says kissing Amira’s face everywhere.

Amira laughs and pushes her off herself gently.

“Yeah, yeah, but you’re late” Amira teases her, she’s used to Cris being late by now.

“I’m sorry, but it wasn’t my fault, we were ready but we were waiting for…” Cris stops trying to look for a good explanation that isn’t the truth. She looks at Joana for help.

“We were waiting for…” Joana tries with no success.

“Anyway, we were waiting, that’s it.”

“You have to try this, it’s amazing” Viri says approaching Joana, Cris and Amira and giving the first two girls a plate. Eva, Nora, Dounia, Elena and Noor come with her.

“Hmmm my goodness, this is incredible” Joana says after trying it.

“Amira’s mom is the best cook ever” Cris confirms. Suddenly she notices two people in the other side of the roof and frowns “Lucas and Kasim are here?”

“Yes, we talked and…well it looks like everything is good” Amira explains.

“Ahhh isn’t it nice? Celebrating Eid with all the people you love by your side?” Viri says with one of her brand smiles.

Amira looks around and smiles, it’s true that she feels lucky to see her friends and family together. But, she’d be lying if she said that her happiness is full.

“Well…all the people…not all the people are here, right?” Cris says, she doesn’t mean to put salt on the wound but she’s been quiet for the whole week and it’s about time she does something.

“Cris…” Nora warns her.

“I’m sorry Ami but…it hurts me seeing you both like this” Cris tells Amira whose smile has faded already.

“But Cris, you said it yourself, we were going to overwhelm each other, we were going to fuck up. Well, we did, you were right.” Amira doesn’t understand why Cris is talking about Dani right now, she’s already having a hard time with him not being here when she’s been telling him about Eid for weeks.

“But I wasn’t right, fuck it. I wasn’t right. I was…going through a hard time and I took it all out on you. I was afraid you would hurt each other because fuck, Ami, I love you both very much. I was trying to protect you so you wouldn’t suffer. But you’re still suffering anyway.” Cris makes a pause trying to put her thoughts in order “When you were together you were happy, my brother was always in a good mood, and it was because of you, Ami. And you were the same. And now? Now you’re both so sad all the time. Can you really tell me with full honesty that you’re better now than before?”

The rest of the girls stay quiet, waiting for Amria to say something.

“But it’s a very complicated relationship, Cris”

“Of course it’s fucking complicated, all relationships are. If I had run away at the sight of the first problem with Joana we wouldn’t be together now, and I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now.” Cris looks at her girlfriend and takes her hand smiling, then she looks again at Amira “and we will have more problems, because life is a bitch, but we will face it together, because that’s what you do when you love someone”

Amira doesn’t know what to say, a part of her wants to run to Dani and tell him she wants to be with him but the other part is afraid, afraid of suffering even more than now.

“Look, Amira, I don’t want to pressure you to do something you don’t want to but…I think you do want to be with my brother, and I know he wants to be with you. I don’t know…I think you should try to work on their issue together”

Amira looks at Cris, and Joana, and Nora, and Viri, and Eva, and Noor and Elena. All of them smile at her. Finally she looks at Dounia and, like the rest of the girls, she nods and smiles.

“I…I have to go” Amira says and without thinking about it twice she turns around and leaves.

When she passes by her mother she tries to stop her.

“Amira, where are you going?”

“To fight for what it’s worth it” Amira answers while she runs.

She can’t see it because she’s already left but her mother can’t erase the proud smile from her face.

Dani looks in the mirror one last time, he looks weird but it’s a good weird, he actually likes the way he looks in what he’s wearing. Not wanting to waste anymore time he takes the keys and goes to the door and opens it. He freezes when he sees Amira in the other side of the door, ready to knock on it. Dani can’t stop staring at her, he’s not sure if it’s because he’s surprised to see her after a week of because she looks gorgeous with her gold hijab. Dani sees how Amira looks him up and down smiling and biting her lip. Dani can feel himself blushing, maybe it wasn’t a good idea to dress up like this after all.

“What…what are you doing here?” Dani finally asks.

“Well…I came to invite you to my Eid celebration but…I see you’re already ready for it.” Amira says, referring to the black Panjabi that Dani is wearing. She notices some details on his chest and gently touches them with her fingers. Then she realizes what she’s doing and takes a step back “I’m sorry, I’m sorry it’s just…it’s…golden”

“Yeah I…I bought a couple of weeks ago, when you told me you were wearing a gold hijab for Eid…I don’t know I thought I could surprise you wearing something that matches it. I know it’s silly but…”

“No” Amira interrupts him “It’s not silly. I love it and…you look great”

“And you look beautiful” Dani can’t help saying.

Now Amira is the one that can feel the heat on her cheeks and tries to avoid Dani’s eyes.

“Do you want to come in and…talk?” Dani asks hesitantly.

Amira nods and Dani takes a step to the side so she can enter and go to the living room. He follows her after closing the door.

“Ami I…” Dani starts saying but then he realizes he’s missing something. “Wait a minute”

Not waiting for an answer from Amira, Dani goes to his room and takes the documents he has on his desk. When he returns to the living room he gives them to Amira who takes them and looks at them confused.

“Articles about Islam, passages from the Quran…Dani what’s this?”

“I’ve done some research…to learn and understand everything better…to understand you better. It’s the first thing I should’ve done when we started dating, I’m sorry”

“I didn’t explain anything to you either” Amira admits.

“Teaching me is not your responsibility”

“But it would’ve been easier for you”

“Ami I…” Dani tries to find the right words to express what he’s feeling. “I want to be with you, with everything that comes with it. I know is hard and I know that I have a lot to learn but, I want to try, for real. I know that you think I’m missing out on this to be with you, or that you’re going to overwhelm me or I don’t know, but that’s not true Ami, it really isn’t. I don’t want to be with any other girl, I want to be with you because no one can give me what you give me. And I don’t care if I can’t kiss you because everything else is worth it. Being with you is not an effort, it’s a gift. And I don’t know Ami, I love you” Amira widens her eyes at Dani’s last two words, it’s the first time he’s said it. Dani notices Amira’s reaction but he doesn’t take it back, he decides to say it again “I love you, Ami”

“But, do you know what you’re getting yourself into?”

“Yes, I do now” Dani says pointing at the documents Amira still has in her hands “and I will continue learning. But I need you to trust me, stop thinking that I’ll get bored and leave. I still have a lot to learn and understand but I promise I will. I need you to trust me”

Amira doesn’t say anything at first, she’s trying to process everything. She’s still afraid, that’s for sure, but the part of her that wants to take a leap of faith and be with him is bigger than fear. She’s tired of denying herself happiness to stay in a safer place. She knows it’s going to be hard and that they’ll have to face a lot of things but, like Cris said, together it’ll be easier.

“I trust you” Amira says honestly. Then, even though her legs are shaking not only by admitting it to Dani but also to herself, she adds “And I love you too”

Cris sees them coming and leaves the conversation she was having with Hugo to approach Amira and Dani.

“So?” She asks them once she’s standing in front of them.

Dani and Amira look at each other and smile, then they look at Cris.

“Cris, I’m dating your brother” Amira says

“And I’m dating your best friend” Dani says.

Cris looks at them for a moment and her lips slowly curve up into a smile that gets bigger and bigger.

“Yasssssss!” Cris almost yells, jumping up and down and hugging them both. Once she lets them go she looks at Amira “We’re sisters in law girl, can you believe it?” not giving her time to answer she looks at her brother “And you, don’t you even think she’s going to love you more than she loves me because Amiris is the realest thing ever”

Dani and Amira laugh and shake their heads. They really like Cris’ reaction better this time.

“Anyway, I’m going to look for something to drink, do you guys want anything?” Dani says still laughing

“Yes, I’ll go with you” Amira replies.

After pouring themselves some juice Dani and Amira stand by the table talking, though they’re soon joined by Amira’s parents.

“Dani, how are you? You haven’t been to the house in a while, we haven’t seen you since you declared your love for Amira last time you were home”

Dani, who was taking a sip from his drink, almost chokes at the words.

“Baba!” Amira yells in shock, looking from her dad to her mom who can only smile.

“What? Was it a secret?” Amira’s dad asks confused.

Amira and Dani look at each other and they burst out laughing. Soon they’re joined by Amira’s mother while her father looks at them confused.

Later, Amira takes a walk around the rooftop and looks at the people there. ‘Now’ she thinks ‘all the people that I love are here now’. And she feels like the luckiest girl in the world.

[sargentr]

my fave drarry fics of all time, part one

so, after discovering i’ve officially been reading drarry fanfic for 4 years now, i decided to show my (quite big) list of favorite drarry fics. there are 46 in total, but i’ve listed 10 down below. the first three are my absolute favorites but the rest are equally as good

most of my notes are fresh from when i wrote them post-reading. i’ve changed some, seeming less like a crazy unstable bitch, but fuck these were all emotional as fuck. enjoy

ps: i dont really know how to tag people i dont follow. i cant try and tag the authors later. soz!!

pps: most of these i read when i was really into a bottom!draco phase, so most of them contain that, some are switch tho (as it should be, yikes past me)

1. Everything That Happen is From Now On / ~43K 

After surviving a brutal assault, Draco tries to navigate the tumultuous waters of his mind, and embrace a bit of love and trust in his life. After all, the smallest steps forward can begin to heal the most fractured of souls

okay so before i get in to how beautiful this story is, i wanna say that it does touch on rape quite explicitly. i cried like an idiot reading the entire thing, because draco’s pain is navigated in the most beautiful and realistic way. it touches on a subject very risky for me, very personal, and i still can’t think of a better drarry story. draco’s very draco about it all, and harry is very harry about it all. it’s just perfect, and messy, and tender, and sad. i’ve reread it more than any other fic, and it doesn’t disappoint. 

2. Pocket Full of Starlight / ~46K

When Scorpius Malfoy and Jamie Potter meet at Quidditch camp, they take an instant dislike to each other. Then they discover their lives are more connected than they could possibly imagine.

ah yes. the magic of kid fics. the TASTE

parent trap au. i read this one recently, like 3 months back, and absolutely fell in love with everything about it, partially because the parent trap is legit one of my top 10 favorite movies of all time. its just. the essence, the IDEA, is soooo mf beautiful. i cant get enough of reading when harry or draco finally meet the other twin, or how they cant stop loving each other even after 11 years. my heart clenched throughout the whole thing. 

3. Temptations on the Warfront / ~180K

Draco Malfoy is forced into hiding with the Golden Trio and dragged into their search for horcruxes. What ensues is a journey of redemption, unexpected friendships and an unwanted, turbulent romance with Harry Potter. Warnings for swearing, sexual content, and dark themes. 

this was the first drarry fic ive ever read, and before this mf i HATEDDD this pairing. so you can imagine how much it took to convince me otherwise, bc i was 100% scorbus before this.

to be fair, horcrux hunting with draco involved is, possibly, my favorite trope ever. its unique. theres tension, both sexual and life threatening. in some ways it romanticizes the war, but fuck it it aint a real war. 

slowest of burns. amazing. life changing. long as hell. nothing else to be said except read it right now i demand it.

4. Clouding the Senses / ~58K

As everyone returns to Hogwarts for a final eighth year, some people are coping better with the aftermath of the war than others. After encountering a very drunk Draco Malfoy one night, Harry realises that maybe those that lost loved ones aren’t the only ones trying to escape the war. Blaise Zabini seems to think Harry can help Malfoy, that the Slytherin might actually listen to him. Harry is not so sure. Dependence is a tricky thing, and one addiction can quickly shift to another.

everyone that reads drarry loves 8th year fics, but this ones just kinda different from all those normal (yet entertaining) ones. draco’s an alcoholic in this, and one night harry tries to help him and whoops, one thing leads to the other and they start having casual sex. its really, really amazing how both draco and harry navigate the addiction, i really cant say it has any flaws. 

i know the author got a lot of hate on their fics and thats why they took them down, but they’re truly one of the best drarry authors out there. i’ve reread this a couple of times, and the tenderness, the love and confusion is all very on character. a+

5. Restraint / ~153K

Someone casts the Imperius curse on Draco Malfoy, and whatever the instructions may be, Harry finds himself an unwilling target. The encounter leaves him torn between pleasure and revulsion. As they fight in the aftermath, a tense game begins. Harry fights to convince Malfoy, and himself, that he was not affected by that initial encounter, or any of those following it.

Faced with a series of escalating encounters, Harry must come to terms with desiring things he never thought he could, things he wishes he didn’t respond to. They each use signs of arousal as weapons against each other in a mad struggle to finally shame the other into backing down for good. 

But it’s only after the game is over that Harry starts to understand.

this is by the same author of clouding the senses, and i read this just this week. at first, it’s shocking, because it plays around with consent in a very unsettling way. when communication comes in, and its starts getting healthier, you can really understand where the author found the idea of playing with consent. it is, in my opinion, 100% characteristic of how they would behave post-war, with that grief and confusion. it’s also dom/sub in some parts, and that’s mf hot. 

it also has my favorite tropes in it, but it’s a spoiler to say which one. i’ll probably mention the trope in the list along with a bunch others, but when u finish reading you’ll know which one ;)

6. Humbug / ~30K

Draco has been taking his casual relationship with Harry for granted. Visits from four key ghosts the night before Christmas just might shake up his priorities in life.

(felt like it was valid to just paste what i wrote in my notes app after reading this)

(FUCKKKKKK HOW TO EVEN START?!!!?? just a fucking bonus, draco is THE best bottom o ever exist i love my bottom son so much. this story isnt only amazing it’s excruciatingly painful to read, harry and draco have been sleeping together but harry is completely in love with him. draco doesnt see how much harry cares for him or how much hes hurting harry by treating their fling like its just that, a FLING. with that, draco is haunted by three ghosts. one of the past, the present and the future, AND THEY SET THAT IDIOT STRAIGHTTTT 1800000/10. the gays DO KEEP MF WINNING!!!

7. in your arms, rests my world / ~24K

Harry presses his mouth to Malfoy's forehead; he wants to tell him that he’ll never leave, that he wouldn’t dream of it.

“You make me feel safe, Potter” Malfoy whispers. “You keep me safe.”

the friends with benefits trope doesnt ever disappoint, top 5 tropes fr, especially if its also 8th year. harry and draco get into their little thing, but of course nothing ever is simple between them. by the preview, you can clearly see how much draco likes harry (also another 10/10 trope, the ‘i’ve been in love with harry potter since i was 11′ one). my only tiny issue with this is that harry fucks it up just a tad, but it of course adds up to the drama of it all, which i absolutely love.

noting it also touches on non-con/rape and, and all in all, is extremely angsty. one i was tense from beginning to end. but i am gonna say it ends amazingly and v happily.

8. Playing the Hero / ~29K

Nobody kissed me like Harry did. He kissed like he flew; he kissed like he duelled - with his whole being, not caring about anything else. I had never felt as vulnerable as I did when he kissed me, seizing all and any control I had over myself. But when Harry kissed me, I felt free...

so the thing about angst is that it ignites that mf feeling side u that even tho it hurts you cannot get enough of. this fic was EVERYTHINGGG. it made cry and laugh and smile. also another trope i absolutely adore is them breaking up and not being 100% ok with that, bc ding ding!! YALL STILL LOVE EACH OTHER!! 

i cant describe how i felt, honestly. i would just paste my notes (i wont bc spoilers) but it looks like i went thru sum shit. deadass

9. fine i’ll hold my breath / till i forget it’s complicated  / ~ 15K with the two parts

Harry and Draco become friends with benefits, and Harry thinks it's more complicated than it actually is.

u know, fluff is a drug. i dont know if its beucase 90% of drarry fics are about angsty get-togethers, but i had butterflies in my stomach when i read this. its adorable. draco is so clearly in love, he jusT SMILES A LOT I CANTTT. 

its cute. i love it to death. have some fluff before starting your day.

10. Un Noël très parisien / ~14K

When Draco crossed paths with Auror Potter at a political function in Paris, he was not expecting their former animosity to change into something rather more intriguing. But he could be certain their casual flirtation would not last more than the night, couldn't he?

look. i know i named a lot of my favorite tropes here, but i cant end this without mentioning how much single dad draco affects me. i love scorpius and how much he changes draco in every fic he appears. i love parent draco and i shant be silent about it (especially when scorpius is legit just a year old in this. i died)

as it states, harry and draco have a one night stand but draco thinks thats it, that it was all he was ever gonna have. he’s wrong of course, and the path it takes, with both scorpius and harry there, just melted my mf heart.

well kids that’s all i have for now. imma work on a part two with 10 other fics i really love!1

[tellmesomethinggg]

****

linking this here bc it was technically a journal? i just don’t want it on my notes anymore and if i ever (likely not to) want to re-read for whatever reason. please note that i knew people would read this so things are censored and are the basic version. also there was a switch at one point from **** to chris because i didn’t want things to be read

(for later when i got time lmao)

Matt is a piece of shit that just wants to fuck -Chloe

well fuck

here goes nothing

the plan: don’t get drunk bc i got shit to do early next morning and ill tell him tomorrow when i do get drunk. spoiler alert that didn’t work

Gaby (coles gf) came too btw

so i had a smirnoff ice and said no more than two shots after so id be buzzed but not fully drunk (i ended up having three and was very much drunk)

me jon and gaby we’re talking about guys and i mentioned something about liking a guy or some shit and gaby looks at matt and then me and confirms it with me. then she tells me that apparently when she met me and a few other friends at the beach last quarter, that she predicted the two of us would end up together and told cole this. im like wtf how and she claims she’s psychic lol

later, Matt and i are on the sack and he looks at me and goes do you like me and im thinking well fuck so i say yes and he’s like well shit sorry but (and then i forgot exactly what he said) something along the lines of it’s not mutual or it’s not the right timing (i forgot okay) and then he gets up after a bit to go to the bathroom (I’m pretty sure cole went out too) and then me gaby and Jon have a chisme session and they think that he does like me but whatever

so the guys come back and at this point i really need to pee again so matt offers to take me and we start talking and he’s all, oh im sorry if i led you on and shit and im like it’s alright ill get over it, it just might be a bit awkward for me for a bit. but then on our way back from the bathroom he asks me , do you wanna at least kiss your crush at least one time and im like uhh yeah so he kisses me and then we start talking but i forgot about what and im kinda dizzy so he says, oh let’s sit on the couches for a bit before we go back, so we do and somehow we kiss again and then start making out

and at this point im like bitch there’s no way you don’t like me like why would you do that if you didn’t

so we finally go back and it’s been some time so the rest of em are obviously curious

matt goes with cole to the bathroom again and the three of us have a chisme session otra vez and they’re like yeah he fucking likes you he’s prob just scared bc of his last relationship

cole comes back in and basically backs up their side based on his convo he just had with matt

and so it’s decided that we’ll both sleep on the sack, Jon sleeps on his bed and the other two together in coles bed

he comes back and we all “go to sleep” but I push for him to hold me like he usually does whenever we sleep together and around like 2,3 am we both start making out again and just like uhhhh

also we’re both very much drunk but of course i tend to remember things whenever ive gotten drunk, however, he did not and so now we gotta talk and figure shit out and go from there

also im not telling Emilou or Hanna yet until we figure things out so

yeah

fuck

alrighty, so after last night, ive decided to do absolutely nothing about it and decided to just let things play out the way things do. i don’t wanna say something and ruin our friendship that we have bc i trust him a lot and like hanging out with him, so, i guess the end of this note for now, unless the situation changes anytime soon

Can Tim see what I write on this?     -Chloe

Yes -Janet

Hi Tim!

-Chloe

Tim pls respond.

-Chloe

Hi Chloe! Sorry I have been busy at home LOL

He responded I’m so happy!

-Chloe

FYI im just going to add things at the top of the note so that its easiwr to see stuff when i add it bc then otherwise youd have to scroll a ton

and I’m dating shit so i know when I wrote stuff and my memory and yeahhh

FEB 15 1 pm

chillin in alp so lets get this chisme

alrighty so last night i stayed the night in pratts but it wasnt just me so calmate, it was me and jon bc long story short i was too lazy/dizzy to get up and jons roommate had her bf over. basically we both shared the bed, not a lot of physical contact but whateva

brb

anyways, there was also one point where he was watching a movie from his childhood and idk what tf it was but he was shocked that i havent seen those movies, so apparently now im gonna watch them so i told him for payback we gotta watch disney movies lmao

oh also! i fucking got back to my room and took a shower to get ready for class, and when hanna gets back from class shes all like oh you slept in HiS rOoM huh and i was like uhhh yeah and told her the truth like i was too lazy and dizzy to get up and then she didnt really say anything but uhhhh yikes

and then i mentioned this to emilou later when we were walking to class and shes like yeah idk why she did that that was weird and i was thinking like thank God she doesnt think the same as hanna bc shes also slept in his room on the bean bag a few times

FEB 14 2pm

heyyy its valentines day and guess whos still single and workinggg

so uhhh last night, around 1, both me and pratt finished our shit (hw and studying) and im wide awake so im like hey, brooklyn 99? (because i got him into the show and i love rewatching the show bc its sooo good) and hes down so we start watching in his room. were both on his bed but were sitting (for the tie being) and eventually i decide to lay down and use one of his pillows but its the flat pillow so i attempt to steal his other one, which he protests and we lowkey wrestle over it and eventually i fail ugh and i fall over in frustration and land my head on his knee and then just quit and stay there, but get this, he just deals with it and lays on top of me, like his head is on my side. granted we both also have pillows so like his pillow is in between me and him and same for me but like ughhh

and eventually i fall asleep for like an episode (?) and wake up right before 3 am, and then decide hey sleep sounds important bc i have an 8 am and so does he, so i sit up but im too lazy to get up right away so i sit and go through twitter and shit so chris just lays down with his head on my leg and i set my arm down on his chest and he falls asleep for a few minutes and then i finish going through my social media and every part of me doesnt wanna move, but im also in a position that would be uncomfortable to fall asleep in so i wake him up and then go back to my room

oh and the other thing i forgot was that for a good couple hours we were texting and joking around and yeahhh

i feel like im reading a lot into what happens but at the same time, like i doubt id be this comfortable doing shit with guys like this and idk about him, but like sometimes i wonder you know?

also, saturday night, as far as i know, its just me and him going to the basketball game bc idk who else is going (eye emoji insert here bc im on my computer lmao) so we'll see what happens

FEB 10 11am

okay soooo last night,

the plan was to get buzzed, just me and matt and watch Brooklyn 9-9 but then Anthony and emilou joined us so never mind. after a bit, Anthony leaves so he can answer a phone call and pratt offers me shot #1 and not emilou (she’s laying on the bean bag, I’m on his roommates bed chillin behind her so she can’t see what’s up)

we take two and im slightly buzzed but i think “hey lets see how much we can take before she notices” and he’s down so uhhh let’s get this

later we have to include Anthony and he’s down to see how much we can take and he just lets us continue, i get to 4 shots and he finishes the bottle so i can’t have a 5th

brb im gonna go eat with him

okay im back now...

anyways were both pretty out of it, emilou still hasnt noticed and anthony finds this all funny i assume and so do i , and eventually she finds out and then the two of them leave i guess around 2 am and the two of us are both on the bean bag and were both tired and drunk and drunk me like petting his hair and apparently holding his hand and well yeah i kinda hate drunk me bc if that wasnt obvious enough lmao :/

continuin, we basically end up cuddled together most of the night until we both kind of sober up hella early in the morning and kind of separate a bit

and so in the morning guess who brought it uppp and i at least have an excuse that i was drunk and not thinking and just kinda doing whatever drunk me wanted to do (but omggg his hair is so fucking nice to play with omg) anyways imma just die real quick bc idk what happens now

also since no one else was in the room literally no one else knows about this and i think were keeping it that way bc lets be honest if anyone found out about that i think id be screwed for secret keeping and then well yeah

FEB 8 1AM

i remembered:

sunday 2-3

i forgot this happened but before I ended up in chris’s room i was chillin upstairs watching tv and then he came out on the phone with some one and long story short he said something on the phone to his friend along the lines of “you’re gonna have me in your life for a long time” and when he was saying that i was looking at him bc soy chismosa and i was curious and he winked at me and I died

Monday 2-4

so the other thing that happened was I had lunch/dinner with him before my writing class and no recuerdo que decimos, but uhhhh yeah

i like hanging out with him

also, just got back from his room and am more convinced that he may not like me but actually just sees me as a friend but at the same time maybe he does but IDK

i hate feelings and it’d be so much easier if i didn’t have them sometimes lmaooo

FEB 7 5-7 PM

so im currently in the room rn so im gonna try to make this as chronological as possible

saturday 2-2

alrighty so mind you this is the day ive volunteered with ship and have spent the whole day there, (i dont remember why i thought this was relevant :/)

so saturday night, i go to work in his room around 8 (?) so i can work on my essay and finish my shit bc he has a bean bag thats hella comfy to work on

andd so later on, jocelyn comes in to watch anime with him and then after i finish we all decide to watch gabriel iglesias and ended up squishing together on the bean bag with me in the middle of the two of them

and so were all chillin there, laughing whatever and at one point chris fucking pratt puts his head on my shoulder for a little bit and i dIeDddd

and eventually i fall asleep when we start watching emperors new groove and mind you im fucking next to chris pratt like uhhhh my GOD

so i wake up once the movies over and then go to the bathroom and come back and by then he has taken over the whole bean bag and im sad that i cant just get back and go back to sleep so i go back to my room

(hanna doesnt know what time i get back i think and im pretty sure it was around4 am) (emilous also not here bc she went home for the weekend)

sunday 2-3

so i decide hey i was productive yesterday and decide to return to his room to work on shit and try to get as much done before work in theevening

i finish around 1/2? and then i tell him im bored and i wanna do something before work but idk what so he says lets go to the rec room and its just the two of us and its chillin and he puts me on his story playing pool lmao

and then i go to work :(

but then THEN later after work i go for a run and end up back in his room and theres a couple other people there and so were all chilling (mind you this is around midnight)

and somehow i end up falling asleep on the bean bag next to this girl jon from my hall and (this is a secret in a secret) but i hear her get up at one point and then chris pratt then joins me and during the night im tossing and turning and leaning on him a bit (ughhhh i died a shit ton)

monday 2-4

so in the morning around 720 or so i wake up pay dumb and am like oh whend you get here and he explains and then hes like yeah i dont really know the girl who slept in my bed (one of jons friends) and i figured since im more comfortable with you id just move here (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! fuck me upppp) [please note that when i say fuck me up i dont mean that type of fuck]

alrighty thats what i remember that i havent told you, and then the other bit from the screen record was tuesday and now its thursday and here i am in guess whos room again

possibly staying the night lmao

but jons also here so its not like im staying the night staying the night

[kiyaar]

Endgame: I cried 4x; would cry again

(also on dreamwidth if you’d rather there: https://kiyaar.dreamwidth.org/16242.html) I will preface this by saying: I watched Endgame 4 times. I cried at all showings. I still rate it 9/10 for me. This is not useful critical analysis, it is mostly a feelings dump. I am bad at writing meta and that's why I write fic instead. Whatever. Spoilers abound below the cut.

(You know what, I might be okay at writing meta, but I'm better at writing fic and I dislike getting into fights with strange children on the internet, so I don't do it often.)


THINGS I LOVED AND AM NOT OVER:

Tony in that crimson shirt looking into the void of space and knowing he's about to die inside one of his recurring nightmares and having to come to terms with that.

I really love Tony and Nebula's relationship and I feel like I could write a 30k fic about that month they had together on the ship.

ALL THE SWEARING. horseshit. you gotta be shitting me. shit. SHIT.

TONY AND MORGAN. Are you fucking kidding me. I had a fucking heart attack as soon as she put up her baby repulsor wearing Pepper's helmet and then it just. Never Let Up. SO TENDER. EMOTIONALLY COMPROMISED. (I absolutely did not expect that from this movie but I am delighted by its inclusion.) How the fuck am I supposed to function now that I know how Tony is with his kid in MCU?

Tony, in That Scene, emaciated and in his wheelchair and high and ripping his IV out and his whole speech: "....no trust. Liar." Wow. Wow was that content that was developed for me personally. RIPPING HIS METAPHORICAL (broken) heart out and putting it in Steve's hand and then collapsing. I don't even fucking know what to say, I've watched it like 20 times on camrip at this point.

All these tiny nods to past MCU were really satisfying. I don't care what people say. This movie was for the fans. It was for me.

That brainstorming session when they're just lying around on the table.

Nat's look is Good in this movie. That's all.

I feel there's a high probability Nat and Steve are fucking during that five year jump, but in a sad "neither of us can have who we want" way and also a "we have a deep friendship so we can be deeply intimate with each other and it's not weird" way. I have a strong urge to write porn about it.

Tony's whole "I know how to do this but I should forget I know" dilemma. Really hit me where I live. The Tony I got in this movie rivals only IM1 and CACW Tony for the most 616 Tony I've ever seen in MCU.

I just really love Tony walking around in that house in the woods in crewneck sweatshirts, doing dishes, pouring iced coffee for his old Avengers pals, trying to forget about that life and fucking FAILING, trying to savor his embarrassment of life wealth because HE FUCKING SURVIVED and how is he supposed to know what to do with that? There's a reason he didn't stay at the compound and it's not Pepper. It's because the minute the Avengers come to him he can't stay away any longer. God, I love Tony Stark.

I don't care how shitty the time travel logic was in this movie, I loved it. As soon as they were like "we're gonna time travel" I was slightly disappointed that they weren't gonna do multiverse instead, but WITHOUT FAIL, I will always find a good time travel story (in that it's EMOTIONALLY SATISFYING) arousing. Whatever.

America's ass. Are you kidding. That actually happened, onscreen. I still mostly don't ship Steve and Tony in MCU because they don't have that deep shared history and they don't make jokes with each other and they don't finish each other's sentences - wait.

This is the first movie that did not include a single "Stark" or "Rogers" in a "I don't know you that well" or "I'm distancing myself from you" kinda way and while that is a crime I frothed at the mouth every time they called each other Steve and Tony in this movie. Jesus.

TONY GIVING HIS PAST SELF A CARDIAC SITUATION. REALLY. REALLY!? THANK YOU MCU

I lost it. LOST IT. When Steve walked into that elevator.

similarly: Tony and Steve finishing each other's thoughts in that alley while completely ignoring scott lang. Okay. AND THEN:

THE 70s. Are you kidding me? This movie was like "this was crafted with your id in mind" and it kept DOING IT and going to places I was not expecting! I went in with zero expectations! And then CAPTAIN STEVE ROGERS IN THAT UNIFORM. WITH THOSE AVIATORS.

Bruce did the gauntlet! I was not expecting this. It was a successful diversion, because I lost my shit 20 minutes later.

I lost my goddamn mind when Steve picked up Mjolnir. I know it happens in Fear Itself so I wasn't really expecting it, at all, but once it happened I was sobbing and I did not stop until the credits rolled.

I lost my goddamn mind AGAIN when Sam came through the portal and all of the portals opened and all of the heroes stepped through and it was just gonna be Steve against the world and he would have done it!!! He would have. He fucking USED HIS SHIELD AS A SPLINT but he didn't have to do it alone! I'm crying again! Fuck!

Avengers Assemble. It only took you 11 fucking years, MCU. COol. COOL

That end sequence was not real. It was all computers. And I did not fucking care, because it was the most comic book fucking thing I've ever seen in a movie and I felt so powerful and like everything was so okay for just a few minutes and I was so proud. And I was just sitting there in my seat, riveted, feeling like: my heroes. There they are. Beautiful.

THOR'S GLOW UP IN THIS MOVIE. JESUS GOD. His finest look yet. Fucking fight me. Hemsworth has never looked more like an actual Norse God.

STEVE'S SCALE MAIL. WHAT AM I EVEN SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT ANY OF IT.

CAROL!!!!! CAROL'S HAIR!!!! CAROL'S NEW SUIT!! CAROL IS SO POWERFUL! SHE IS POSSIBLY OP! DON'T YOU DARE NERF HER @MARVEL!!!

Tony really didn't know until right that minute when he made the decision to fucking wrestle those stones away. He doesn't realize what's gonna happen even when he asks Strange if this is the version where they get it right.

I don't even know what to say about Tony. It's everything I ever wanted. I mean, look at my icon. I just didn't breathe for like a solid minute while he held his hand up and looked at Thanos and fucking Did That.

I am fine with his death because it sort of puts this universe to bed for me in the sense that there will be (presumably) no new Tony content I think I do my best work after the fact because I can't worry about being Jossed and I do best when I find the cracks in preexisting canon, anyway.

Tony Stark. What a fucking legend. What a fucking hero.

STARTED FUCKING CRYING AGAIN WHEN SAM GETS THE SHIELD. WOW. HOLY SHIT.

I just feel very lucky to have been alive when this franchise was happening. I know it's not over, but I feel like it's mostly over for me. My faves are dead and old.

THINGS I WAS NOPE ON:

gay Joe Russo. really. it's been 22 goddamn movies and that's the bone you throw? eat my entire ass.

they really shot themselves in the foot using Ramin Djwadi for Iron Man 1 and then Alan Silvestri for the rest of the Avengers proper movies. imagine what that could have been with like. A legitimate score. (though I did DEARLY LOVE the inclusion of the tony thru the wormhole theme when Tony wrestles with Thanos for the last time.)

I still don't care about Peter Parker. I just don't. shrug emoji. I wish Steve had gotten his proximity spot in Tony's death scene.

Why are we doing the Ronin thing in this movie? it doesn't make sense. there is nothing in the MCU to support this at this point. I am tired. Clint's haircut is dumb. My haircut is similar but better.

The running 'thor-is-fat' jokes. I am fucking tired. And EVERY TIME, I went to a theater where people laughed at every instance of that fucking joke. I have been Thor. I am Thor right now. As someone pointed out on twitter, all of Tony's ribs did not elicit laughs and were there for a similar purpose: to denote trauma and Doneness. You cannot slap someone out of a panic attack. Just. One time, get trauma right. It's not that fucking hard.

CGI Mark Ruffalo. I really like Mark Ruffalo and I get that they needed a quick resolution to the "the Hulk won't perform" issue and they sure got it, but that shit isn't gonna hold up well.

unpopular probably: that shot with all the women grouping up. a.) implausible, b.) I hate being pandered to and that was fucking pandering

Steve. Not my Steve! Possibly a pod person. See the Entire Section Below.

Nat's death. Are you kidding. See the Entire Section Below.

"our time travel is better than back to the future because We Said So." Read a fucking book and see SECTION BELOW

STEVE
 Okay, so. I had a problem with Steve in this movie that had nothing to do with Evans' acting and everything to do with the mess that was CACW and his lack of a character arc. It's like...they gave up, and had him revert to 'lie down on the floor and give up.'

And I would normally be okay with that? I mean, I've written that fic. But there was so much of him MISSING, here. How does he feel about those five years? WHO the FUCK told this man he was qualified to be leading any sort of group therapy? Where is my man who will fight anything, living or dead? Where are his anger management issues, the Single Defining Character Trait that survives all multiverses? Fuck Clint's anger management issues, give me Steve being patently suicidal out in the world that's now been taken from him twice or show me Steve ruining something. Because he may have been Done With The Gig at the end of CACW but we all know: Steve is never done with the gig. He cannot walk away. It is not in his code. And I just didn't see any of that in this movie. 


He was SO MUCH of a pod person for me that I developed a very elaborate theory that he is actually an altered version of Steve from an earlier timeline to make myself feel better about it. I have 13 pages of notes about it.


Which brings me to the ending. I knew they were pushing The Past hard as there are like 13 mentions of peggy whether visual or verbal callbacks throughout the movie - but they really fucking did that and I DON'T BUY IT. 
I DO buy Steve being selfish. That I do. But I don't buy him fucking up her life. I think it's conceivable he could have decided he'd done enough, and then he stopped by to have a dance, and then he left, and then he got married to some rando and lived out his life in relative obscurity. Maybe he'd be okay with that. (I have a fix for this, too: upon returning the soul stone, Steve must sacrifice something dear to him. He sacrifices THE JOB. The HEROING. He has no other choice but to put it all down.) I read his expression at the end as guarded and sad, it did not read as a Happy End for him for me. And I guess I'm okay with that, but the logic behind it all doesn't make any fucking sense (there's no way he should have been able to return to 2023 as he was unless he was Secretly Married/In Hiding the whole time and there were 2 steves in the timeline). But I know Chris Evans just wants to make shitty romcoms and snuggle his dog, and I get that. 


Also why is no one talking about how that shield was completely fucking different? Where the hell did he get that? 



tl;dr: I have always said Steve was robbed of a third installment in his franchise and it stalled his character development. I was WAY on board with how they did him in TWS but after that I lose him. I don't know who he is. I don't know what he wants. I don't know what his soul craves. I guess that's what the fic machine is for. 



NAT


NAT did not get the ending she deserved, nor did she get the one I wanted for her. I am, once again, baffled by the way Marvel privileges those characters with families and "real" markers of maturity, even if they've undergone a laughable amount of character development over the course of the franchise. (Clint. I'm talking about Clint. The Clint who threw a tantrum and decided he was just gonna. Murder a bunch of brown people because he was having his grief or whatever.) 


Nat has come so far. She is one of the few characters I consistently root for in MCU. There are not many. Of the original 6, I am always watching for what happens to Tony, Steve, and Nat, in that order. She has been a spy, an ally, a friend, a fighter, an unpaid donor of emotional labor for all these fucking men, and although there is still no way I will ever see ScarJo as a believable Russian spy, I am very very fond of her character in the MCU. I love her relationships with Steve and Tony. 



And she was FUCKING SHAFTED. 



Other people have written about how her team-up with hawkeye makes her the object to be sacrificed, especially given that SHE JUMPED. He did not throw her over the edge. I'd like to raise questions about their relationship - Clintasha is real, I guess, but they sure ignored that for 7 years just to shoehorn it in at the end when they needed it. I liked their fight. I found it believable that they would fight right up til the end about that. But I'm not happy with the choice. I wanted it to be Clint. Her arc was heading towards SELF-IMPOSED ABSOLUTION. 


I just want to ask these fucking men. These men who write these fucking movies. Do you have any idea how rare it is to even see someone approaching that on screen? I just feel so cheated.

And then they have her jump. Because Clint needs to hug his fucking children. Whatever. 


THE TIME TRAVEL:


I am very tired and this post is so long already, so I think the time travel might get its own post. Me and my 13 pages of notes deserve their proper day in the sun.



I do have this to say: it is SUPREMELY lazy to make this movie and not make your own internal logic AIRTIGHT. You have one job if you make a time travel movie! It is to become an expert on your own time travel.