#will def be a lot less active this semester

[seatokki]

photo booth 📸

[infatuatedheloise]

ok forgive me for my less active posting, finals are next week and dead week is absolutely killing me this semester 😭

anyway! I said I'd talk about this later and then never said anything lol so here I am

on my close friends insta story, I talked about past experiences with older men trying to go after me and mentioned a classmate I had last semester who was 48 and just generally kinda weird

I went to abelard's office the next day basically to say thank you for dealing with my anxiety the other day about my outfit and I said "I know I probably crossed a couple lines.." and he shook his head and said it was fine, then said "it was incredible...you say things that--you can be so quiet, but then you say things about things that might be weird and I don't think I could do that" which he's told me something similar before but it was interesting to hear it again

anyway, then he was like, "I'll ask something that is maybe inappropriate" (I was like😲😲😲 🤨🤨🤨 what is he gonna ask??) he lowered his voice and asked "who is this guy that-" (asking about the classmate I had mentioned)

I explained that he def didn't know him, and then I explained the whole story/my experiences with this guy (don't really wanna retell that here rn) and abelard was grimacing and cringing at all the stuff that this guy did. I finished talking and he said "at least it's good fodder for a story" and when I didn't really react he said "is that inappropriate to say?" I said no it was fine to joke about it lol

Since we were on the topic, I told him about my experiences with a coworker I once had and again abelard was totally disgusted by the stuff this guy did/said.

Then he said, "Well, I'm glad you never had any experiences with our colleague" I asked who he meant and when he told me I said "oh..hm, yeah" which obviously made him curious so I explained that this other professor had given me weird vibes, I caught him staring at my chest a lot, and he once said something to me about my face/appearance when I didn't wear a mask to class, so nothing serious but I just had a feeling. I said, "it's really good to know that [he has a history of being gross with students] though"

I also told him a joke that I like to make after these experiences with the coworker and classmate: "my ability to pull middle aged men is insane" and he laughed so hard at that like threw back his head laughing hahaha, then I told him the joke like "i thought 39 [coworker's age] was bad, god said try 48 [clasmate's age]" which he also thought was funny.

he said "But we're in the clear now?" I said "yeah, no middle aged men trying to go after me" then he said, "yeah, any 50 year olds-" and stopped himself to ask, "Is that ok to say?" because not only was he joking about me being harassed by older men, but also joking about the progressing age gaps LOL I thought it was so funny

Also I was a little embarrassed during this whole convo because 1. I have a crush on him 2. he is an older, middle aged man and here I was talking about older, middle aged men harassing me 😭😭😭 he thought it was fine though and didn't mind talking about it

[wttcsms]

i just wanted to ask your advice about life and grad school and trying to not think about the prestige of certain schools since i feel like you'd just provide a lot of insight on it, and sometimes i feel lost in my life even though i'm pretty young still haha! but sometimes i'm nervous on the fact that i may not get into a good college but idk if that makes sense ^^

hi!!! i personally really enjoy talking abt my academic (+professional) career & i am so honored that you would come to me for any type of advice omg!!! i will say that being young comes with a lot of bouts of insecurity; when i went to my original university, i admittedly didn't have much school spirit or even pride for it. i chose it because i got a full ride academic scholarship to attend, and once you're in college, you realize just how EXPENSIVE the Real World actually is, and so, even though my first university didn't necessarily come with a lot of "prestige" (even kids back home didn't wanna go there LOL), it was a very smart decision for me to attend there because i graduated with my bachelor's, high honors, with no debt!!

i also used to be obsessed with the prestige of schools, and as i look into phd programs, i suddenly am transported back to when i was younger + worried about how a school name would look on my final transcript or resume. the truth is, prestige doesn't guarantee you much.

i will say that certain universities and colleges can help you network, but it doesn't really matter if those relationships are shallow, right? we (and profs you have) aren't going to be so inclined to help you out with 100% enthusiasm if they don't really know you too well, right? so for me, even though the first university i attended was honestly kind of crappy, i decided to make the best of it! professors are humans too, and it's hard for them (esp during freshman & sophomore classes) to connect with students, and most students aren't going to want to put forth the effort to have a relationship with them. i made it an effort to introduce myself to a select few profs, i would attend office hours, i would make a point to engage during lectures, etc. i basically stood out from my peers, and in the long run, that has helped greatly, esp when it came time for me to turn in letters of recommendation for grad school. my "deeper" relationships that i spent a semester (or several semesters; the college was small and i had the same profs for several classes lol) cultivating paid off bc i had spectacular, personalized letters of rec that probably would have been harder for me to obtain had i attended a "prestigious" school where im certain a bunch more students would be vying for the prof's attention OR the professor would be too busy with their own workload and research to really be attentive to me.

while at the "crappy" university i attended for undergrad, i managed to secure two internships, one w/ jp morgan. lots of interns never heard of my school, and believe it or not, with the ivy league students i interacted with, they either knew the same amount or even less of what was going on than i did. they go to great colleges, fantastic schools, have been attending private feeder schools that would land them at these prestigious schools i'm sure you're looking at, and the fact of the matter is, it's not like everyone who attends there is a genius. when i was younger, i thought that the school you attend is directly associated with how smart you are, but that is def not the case. never, ever, ever question your intelligence if the school you want doesn't accept you. it's so corny, but rejection really IS redirection.

what i really want you to realize is that a good college is purely dependent upon YOU, as a student. form genuine connections with your profs (these relationships might come in handy; not just for grad school, but i've had several profs actually come to me with internship AND post-grad job opportunities with their friends' companies), be active and engaged on campus (join a club, do community service; if you do join a club, though, it is best to have a leadership role within it), consider asking a close prof if you can be a teaching assistant, approach your classmates confidently and be friendly to them, work hard!!! undergrad is fantastic for figuring out or getting an idea of what you want to do in the future!!! i was 16 when i started college full-time & i just picked a major (accounting) where i thought i could get a job with it LOL. nearly 5 years + one degree later, i figured out that working in industry wasn't for me & that i much prefer academia haha!!! try out a little bit of everything; i'm starting my fourth internship pretty soon, and honestly, you don't know what you don't like until you actually try it out.

i hope you have the greatest college experience of your life! when we're young, the silly stuff doesn't seem so silly (re: the prestige of the school you attend), but it's ok! because no one expects us to have perspective when we're young lol. just know that no matter where you go, make an effort to make the best of it :)

edit: some success stories!!! my undergrad aka what i considered to be a tier below community college (nothing wrong with cc either!!!); many of my classmates have went on to attend "prestigious" colleges for their own phd programs :) one of my close friends completed her undergrad in biology and is attending a private college for a phd; one of the colleges i'm looking at!!! my other friend works full-time at goldman sachs, which is proof that you don't need a columbia degree in finance to get in LOL. so, finding good opportunities is possible no matter where you end up attending <3

[oofchris]

⌠ MADISON BAILEY, 19, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, CHRISTINA ' CHRIS ' ANDERSON! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in MACGYVER SURVIVAL SKILLS & NAVIGATION + PROTECTION & ENFORCEMENT; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of ( speckles of dried paint on fingers, cruising round on a longboard, joints tucked behind ears wrapped in colourful papers ). when it’s the ( sagittarius )’s birthday on 12/27/2001, they always request their PHO from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ mochi, 24, she/her, gmt ⍀

@gallagherintro​

hi uwu, here is a new baby who is not very baby but still a lil baby

 . . . it got quite long so tldr; she’s a stubborn art hoe from california who’s dad died so she’s come to gallagher bc her mom is a professor in the p+e major <3 

parallels

wyldstyle  — the lego movie: 85%

mulan — mulan: 84%

nymphadora tonks — harry potter: 83%

princess fiona — shrek: 83%

robin buckley — stranger things: 82%

here is a full list

HISTORY

potential triggers — car accident, parental death, divorce

so she’s grown up on on the west coast p much ??? her whole life. her mom worked as a bodyguard for sum famous peeps, dad was doctor but occasionally also a medic in the field — they didn’t always see eye to eye and divorced when chris was around nine. it was mostly to do with chris’ future like whether she’d go to spy prep school and follow in their footsteps and her dad didn’t want that for her so they disagreed, and she lived with him instead, living a more or less normal life. her mom then moved away when the opportunity to become a professor at gallagher presented itself, so they’ve really not been close at all since then

lived fairly comfortably, either way her dad had money and her mom sent support too. her father definitely earns less from no longer being in the spy world but he vowed to leave that behind when he divorced his wife and other than a few people from his past popping up unannounced, he kept that vow. they moved around a couple times in order to keep chris safe, and especially when someone did find them ( even if it was friendly ) but mostly grew up in california, and a lot of it is to do with the fact chris loves it there so much

but chris knows about the spy world, what her mom does and the type of school she works at, but it never interested her enough to try and reach out or fight her dad on it as she enjoyed her life 

she remembers her mom as someone stubborn, argumentative, volatile which is the opposite of her dad who was patient, loving and endearing — so it’s a no brainer for her, she loves her dad a lot and he gave up a lot for her while her mom gave chris up for that world, her job, etc aka nada

BUT her dad died in a car accident recently that she was also in but was only a bit beaten up at most ( has some cuts / new scars, learn more below ) leaving her mother to swiftly pick her up and enrol her into gallagher, more to keep an eye on her than anything. 

her mom chose her majors and some of her classes for her, which chris is mad about, but mainly bc looking at what ones were offered she’d def pick macgyver anyway, and her mom argued p+e was a step into the physical and combat side of thing without being too heavy on it ( tho it’s the major she teaches so she’s biased and chris just thinks she wants to be closer ) but tbh ? chris just doesn’t want her mom to be right whatsoever or have the satisfaction of thinking she knows her daughter in anyway at all but she knows if she went undecided she’d probably pick those up again in her second year so she’s just ‘ going with it ‘ begrudgingly as if she has no choice

PERSONALITY

extremely stubborn, which she gets from her mom, would rather ruin her life than go back on something or admit she was wrong, if she apologises for something she'll find a way to do it where she's not actually ever saying the words ' im sorry ' or ' i was wrong ' and would rather start another argument than do that — but obviously she loves other people apologising to her

she is generally nice ??? i just think she can be irritated easy ?????? like a bit of a hot head tho she'd argue she's chill, she is mostly chill but likes to debate, be right, and can be very my way or the high way at times — i’ll figure her out more as i play her bc i can’t tell if she’s mean or not but i don’t think so, just a bit tougher than she needs to be 

in my head she’s like a seb/luc hybrid so . . . take that as you will 

doesn’t dislike gallagher ( mostly ) but thinks all the legacies — even tho she technically is one, she doesn’t identify as one — are entitled spoiled brats and should get their heads out of their ass, doesn't like that being a legacy is even a thing though a lot of it definitely comes from her bitter resentment towards her mom and how she'd have rather leave her and her dad than leave the spy life hbsjhbsjhb also i think bc of her mom she has level 5 clearance which . . . she’s not complaining about but definitely complaining that clearance levels are even a thing, she’s gonna contradict herself a lot, i feel it

MISC

i THINK she’s only arrived, like, at the start of spring semester tbh, she wasn’t here for fall so she is new new

halfway through her first year at stanford studying art alongside film and media as a minor before her mom brought her to gallagher — which she's kind of not happy about like she understands her dad didn't want it for her, she also wanted to just stay in california but the only family she has now is on her mom's side.

she's still enrolled at stanford, though dropped her minor, and is studying online for her major as she's made it clear to her mom she doesn't want to be a spy so she pulled a few strings with the stanford admission board to allow her studying to continue ( idek if this is allowed i'm just pretending her mom is powerful enough to do it ) — it was a big reason chris agreed to come to gallagher, not that she had much of a choice, bc she wants her ‘ normal ‘ life and her ‘ normal ‘ degree regardless of being at a spy school

only her mom calls her christina and she actually hates it so pls dont unless you are trying to get on her bad side — also she probs avoids her mom like the plague so don’t bring that up either

often covered in little cuts and bruises from her skating but she’s got two fresh / soon to be scars on the left side of her face on the top of her cheek bone and on her jaw from a shards of glass when she was in the car accident — she is the type to pick her scabs until they bleed again, too, so i picture her with loads of little scars especially on her hands, elbows and knees

she did learn self defense from her dad growing up and she has studied jiujitsu and akido since she was around thirteen, she also boxes but it's more casual like for stress and stuff rather than something she takes overly seriously

she likes surfing, diving, enjoys the kind of world that exists underwater where it's just peaceful and calm so she will be around the lake a lot / at the pool if you need to find her

she’s 5’3 and never wears heels

pansexual and while it might change i wanna say she's not overly sexual, like wouldn't have hookups for no reason ?? but potentially some one night stands or drunken mistakes or whatever. doesn't look down on sluts but i think she doesn't have the most confidence in that area, or in self esteem in general, so she'll ??? only really have a frequent thing if she feels Hella comfortable

the type to have crushes tho, but not act on them at all bc again self esteem issues 

bit of a tomboy, skater, stoner — though she wouldn't identify as one — really loves movies and can be a proper filmophile, probably has more film soundtracks on her spotify unwrapped than she does actual artists and don't get her started on Women— in film bc she won't stop 

very active, sporty, probs trying to parkour around campus

enjoys painting, sketching, simply creating things — often is filming, riding a longboard, working on some kind of little project she'll take too seriously but won't show people until it's perfect

is a little pretentious at times ??? doesn't necessarily mean to be but if it's a debate on a topic she's passionate about ( such as art, film, etc ) then she will try to ensure you know just how knowledgeable she is on it, she's not afraid to flex but she wouldn't outwardly flex for no reason if that makes sense 

she also . . . feels p dumb at gallagher tbh, a lot of her strengths lie in her creativity and art and now she’s very ??? wtf am i doing ?? but she will continue to act like she knows !

can speak english, french, german and spanish all pretty fluently, italian well enough to get by, knows a bit of japanese bc she’s . . . a weeb sometimes but also bc of her martial arts

CONNECTIONS

FAMILY / CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ( SPY ) — so this would more than likely be before her parents divorce, but she’s not against keeping in contact a little if she liked you, it could have also been a family who reached out to her dad afterwards because while he’d move away / hide his location promptly after, he would still help them if they needed it ( 1 / ? )

FAMILY / CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ( NON SPY ) — same thing, but would have probably been after the divorce, just normal families that her and her dad knew, neighbours, work colleagues, school friends, would more than likely have also needed to be west coast sorta area but if your muse was there briefly, they could have kept in contact once they’d left ( 0 / ? )

LEGACIES — she potentially . . . won’t like you if you’re a legacy and you are egotistical / assholey even a tiny bit, bc that basically proves her argument that they’re ALL like that jshbjsbjs but i wud like her to have legacies that she . . . hates that she likes as well, i think she’ll realise p quickly most are fine lmao

ART HOES — whether they’re into painting as well and they do it together or they let her paint them !

SMOKE / SKATE BUDS — one or the other, both, whatever !! 

A HOOK UP THAT’S EITHER ALREADY HAPPENED OR GOING TO — in my head she’s a bit ??? w sex tbh so maybe plot this out a bit more but can be a ?? positive relationship or a negative one idm

CRUSHES !!!!!!!!! — she’s not even been at the school long but im certain she probs has some already

i’m not good w wanted connections so pls just hmu if u have ideas and as usual like dis for plots / jus message me, i’ll be on discord !! if you don’t have/use discord just message me first on tumblr bc otherwise i wont realise jhbsjhbjhbsj

[malepresentingleg]

Tagged by: @being-gay-on-ice (thanks again!)

Name(s): Shir

Fandom(s):

Currently writing for: technically none..? since i haven’t written anything but hw assignments in a few months now

Not actively writing for but may revisit: def haikyuu!!, still have some semi active wips there. Young Justice is a way less likely fandom for me to revisit, but maybe TBS

Have written for but definitely done with:  hp, pjo, merlin, artemis fowl,the fosters, andi mack, and most likely any DC stuff.

Upcoming: maybe atla? been meaning to try writing a bit there

Where you post: ao3 exclusively currently. used to post on tumblr too, and before that on ff.net and my blog when i wasn’t writing in english

Most popular oneshot (by kudos):  How to Kiss Your Tall Boyfriend When He's Stupid a Kagehina fluffy funny fic with almost 400 kudos

Most popular multi-chapter (by kudos):  Fix Me Up Never which is actually my only (english) published multichapter fic, also a Kagehina, fake relationship mutual pining fluffy fic with a little over 500 kudos

Favorite story you’ve written so far: I’ve been writing for over a decade so like, is  How to Kiss Your Tall Boyfriend When He's Stupid my fave bc it’s recent and i don’t really remember ones from the past? also it’s probably a bit better than stories i’ve written at 14. I also really like the YJ birdflash ones  Practice and  Charms and Wonders

Fic you were nervous to post: literally every single one. maybe super old ones from when i was 14-16 and had no self awareness and a lot of confidence i wasn’t nervous about but basically every time i’m worried everyone’s gonna hate the fic

How do you chose your titles: god i HATE coming up with titles. they always don’t feel right, except the few times i start with a title and go from there

Do you outline?: usually, yes. also usually, not to the end, so i have a vague idea of how to start, occasionally i also have an ending in mind but there’s a big part in the middle that i have no idea what’s gonna happen in. but i do tend to outline at least a few scenes in advance before actually writing them, even if i don’t do the whole fic beforehand

Complete: i mean, on ao3 i have 21 fics i probably have a couple i was too embarrassed to transfer from ff.net plus i have a couple of dozens in hebrew but i don’t have an organized list in order to count them..

In-progress: about 23456093 fics.

I have folders upon folders full of files with notes and ideas and beginnings, sometimes middle scenes etc for fics i most likely will never write

Coming soon/not yet started:

Gonna Happen:

basically hq!! stuff i’ve been planning for a while before the semester started and i stopped writing for fun

another silly established relationship kagehina styled like how to kiss your tall bf when he’s stupid

a long kagehina series of fics about their journey both in the relationship and in their lives that i have tons of ideas for but not enough

Maybe Gonna Happen:

an atla fic? i actually don’t really have an idea for it

Soft Maybe Gonna Happen (when I get the time):

kagehina post time skip marriage proposal based on a cute fanart

god i SO want to write a magic realism kagehina fic but i don’t have any idea that i like so ooof that’s a no for now but maybe i will!

Prompts?: yes please i always seek inspiration but also don’t be offended if i don’t write it i have super specific things i’m willing to write plus i’m a master procrastinator and might not write something that i want to either

Upcoming work you’re most excited about:ahhhhh? 

Tagging: agAIN @celtychane @shelbychild @artemisia--hq @foxwatchesanime

[blackcoffeeandblankpagess]

Do you have any tips for studying for college finals? So stressed rn and just feeling absolutely exhausted (even with copious amounts of caffeine ahh) (also i hope your body gets stronger/heals and just so you know you're super inspirational to me so thank you for sharing your story!)

Okay first of all thank you so much for that second part 💜

Secondly- I feel you so hard rn, usually I’m super on top of my shit when it comes to exams but I’ve gotten the WORST sleep the past 2 nights and started my exams today so I’m right there with ya

In general though-

My number one tip (counter to what I just said 🙄) is to prioritize sleep. I’ve never ever pulled an all nighter or even close to one for the purposes of my academics and I’ve always been fine. In my experience, if I don’t get enough sleep it doesn’t matter how well I know the material- my brain is going to be foggy, my critical thinking isn’t going to be there, and I’m going to mess up on things that I know just because my attention isn’t fully there. Of course, you need to find the right balance for you, I’m not saying to forego all studying to get a ton of sleep, but know where the line is between the two

Pay attention throughout the entire semester and do the work yourself, it’s probably too late at this point for this piece of advice but hey future reference. I’ve honestly been kicking myself today for not following through on this better. If I pay attention in class and actually take time on my assignments I find that when it comes time for the exams I already have a pretty strong grasp on the material and just need to brush up on it a little- that being said it deffffinitely becomes harder to stick to this as the semester gets underway and life gets busy but that’s the tradeoff, you might save time during the average week but you’re going to have to make it up when it comes to studying for the final

make yourself a study guide and write things down by hand! even if you feel comfortable with the material just rewriting it and forcing yourself to engage with it again will drill it in just a little bit extra. I also like to go over my notes for classes that I have a tooooooon of notes for and make myself a study sheet highlighting the concepts that I need to study extra- that way instead of flipping through 92034324 pages of notes I have the more difficult topics condensed to a page or two

Spread it out over multiple days. I know that my attention span is generally shot after a few hours so I’ve never been one to majorly cram the night before- if you study a little bit for a few days out not only do you have to study for shorter periods of time at once, but it’s also less stressful AND you’re probably going to retain it better

this point is probs controversial but if possible I try to only focus on one class at a time during finals. For example I have a presentation tomorrow and then an exam tues/thurs so I’m not worrying about next week’s exams until after the presentation and I won’t really drill down on thursday’s exam until after the one on tuesday. This does mean that there is a litttle more cramming but I just prefer to really hone in on one thing at a time

Do something active- it might sound counterintuitive but I find that sometimes sacrificing some studying time to go move for an hour means that I can focus a lot better and I’m more alert afterwards. This morning I was awake at 6 and had such a shitty night of sleep. Half of me felt like I should try to sleep an extra 3 hours until 9 but I also knew I was wound up and might just spend that time anxious that I couldn’t sleep. So I chose to go to the gym over sleeping even though there was potential for that to leave me even more tired. Luckily, when I got home I was much more awake and actually felt more prepared to study (def paying for that now though lol)

Prioritize the classes that actually matter/you have the potential to get a good grade in at this point. By the time finals roll around you probably know you’re general standing in each class. Personally, if I’m going to spend a long time studying I want to do it for a class that I have a high likelihood of getting an A in, if I’m going to need a 100 to boost my grade it’s not worth the energy. Also! If the class is totally irrelevant to your major (*cough* my buddhism class *cough*) I would worry less about the grade than one that might actually relate to what you want to do

Realize that at the end of the day a grade is just a number, yeah it matters to some extent but it has always been my opinion that your experience/connections/etc matters far more in the grand scheme of things than your GPA and put your mental health first

Good luck friend, we’re gonna grind through this last bit together 💪🏼

[authenticallyvoid]

Sometimes I think abt the whole “ugw” thing. Idk I feel like that’s SO hard to conceptualize and contextualize? esp Bc I kno I feel differently abt my body even if it’s at the same weight on dif days, or even dif hrs. I don’t know how to put a solid number as an answer to this control issue lmao. I looked up some stuff abt BMI. @ 107.7 I hit official “underweight” (but also if that’s the very ceiling of the label, like it really doesn’t mean anything to me, I feel like I had to be pretty underweight to actually consider myself underweight. Which is dumb but??) anyway. I think entering the 16 range of BMI is supposed to be like. Bad obviously. But I would be at a flat 17 if I was 100. Which would definitely be a goal. The number 100 just sounds? Both achievable and an achievement. I can’t even super imagine what my body would look like at that point. I kno that my stomach/ribs is the most noticeable thing when u lose weight but I rly have seen a slow slow difference in my thighs/calves. A little in my arms too. Thinking of my 108 body and subtracting another 8 lbs. oof. Plus if I did want to enter the 90s like. Oof. Idk. It’s something exciting but also scary Bc like. Obviously there’s physical Heath concerns w malnutrition and weakness. But I could handle it lmao. Plus by that point ppl would DEF notice. I think now it’s been subtle but also I kno that my mom is kinda on the look out for me losing any weight. But otherwise I kno it’s something I obsess over but I doubt it’s something other ppl really see. Also like. Knowing that I’m really doing this. Since November I’ve like. Been actively and fairly successfully operating my ed. Over the winter break it was super difficult but being back in school puts me back in that frame of mind. I’m fairly able to stick to restricting. I surround myself w the right foods to do that. Idk I rly could see myself @ 100 by?.,.. at the most the end of the semester, but tbh w minor and infrequent breaks/binge cycles? Like March? Spring break? Idk I honestly am capable of losing weight rly fast so if I went hard and restricted heavy for idk like? 2-3 weeks I could get down p low I think. But also I kno I have obligations and appearances to keep up lmao school takes brain and brain needs food :/// annoying lmao. Plus I kno my friends would b super concerned if I dropped it that fast + avoided eating w them. I’m hoping if it’s over time it will b more subtle and not attract their attention hugely. Or just relying on the fact that I think it would take a lot for them to confront me abt it Bc I’m uh. P touchy lmao. And they kno that. And they know I’m self aware , so it’s not like I need some shocking intervention. Idk I’m just glad I don’t talk abt it in finsta any more, both Bc I’m not hurting them but also Bc.,.. they don’t have to kno . Like they kno it’s bad but they don’t kno specifics so like. The less they kno the better I guess. Anyway.

Haven’t eaten anything yet, just coffee and water. Getting dinner w friends but trying to keep it to veggies ish and Mayb vegan protein if that have it (I’m low key into tofu? Idk)

Probably gonna get tea or smth tonight w friends too, trying not to opt for hot choc Bc I don’t want the dairy cal

Obvi will report back lmao + weigh myself in the morn!

[kyunsies]

Hi mädch!!! I'm sending this after you said goodnight haha, but I'm glad you got to sleep early today :) you deserve a good night's rest!!!

I will definitely send you pictures of our plants soon so be on the look out for that 👀👀

About being a musician, I do have a degree in music and I studied for four and a half difficult terrible years to get it 🥲 but it was good, truthfully. It was difficult simply because college is hard. Listening to musical elements in mx or Mozart or soundtracks or t swift or literally any song isn't any harder or easier than another. Just different! Different layerings, sections, sounds, timbres, etc. It's very satisfying to be able to pick out sounds and point them out to my sister and maybe explain them a little bit! And I'll check out those shinee react video suggestions, I already know don't call me, so it'll be fun to watch that one!

I think it's really interesting that I've heard mx refer to All About Luv as a "US album" rather than an "English album". It might not mean anything, but more countries than just the US speak English, y'know? So it feels.. intentional? Anyway I will spare you from the extensive (and I mean super extensive) length of thoughts I'm having about their English songs vs Korean and just say a little bit skdjsh

From a musical stand point, Secrets (English song on a Korean album) is objectively just as or more simple than Middle of the Night (English song on the English album) or Sorry I'm Not Sorry (Korean song on a Korean album). Middle of the Night has lovely vocal harmonies and is very active rhythmically and has a lot of different textures. Secrets is just three chords, with a simple melody (a wonderful lovely simple melody), and a decent amount of clear layers with an acoustic feel with drums/guitar/bass/synths/sax/backing vocal ad libs, all of which are pretty active voices. Whereas Sorry I'm Not Sorry is so smooth and has such a chill vibe, with significantly less layers than Secrets (though just as clear) - it's just guitar and vocals at the beginning, and then some very simple drums and bass layer in, and a little bit of keys too (with some sweeet vocal harmonies in the second half that will melt my heart every time!!), but it's all very gentle. And then BEASTMODE (to stay on Fatal Love) has a much heavier feel (ALSO with some sweet harmonies in the opening "ohs" which are so so strong, and won't melt hearts in the same way the harmonies in Sorry I'm Not Sorry do), as well as stylistically different sections with a lot of different musical elements! Sorry I'm Not Sorry is just like.. one style the whole time, which they do beautifully!!! So like, there's already so much variety within albums, and within their entire discography! It makes being a monbebe so... rewarding and satisfying. Like, it feels like there's something here for everyone.

If you got through all that you deserve an award, it's a lot hsksjslsk I could go on and on and on about music, but I'll stop here for now haha. I'm considering doing a series of posts on my blog where I talk about music, but I'm a little nervous to go through with it 😅😅 my sister thinks it'd be awesome, but I'm not super confident to put myself out there like that hehe... we'll see...

Anyway long message!!!!!!!!!! I feel like I haven't told you lately, but talking to you is so so so nice 💖💖 I don't feel any pressure to say things or not say things, I can just.. chat freely! I feel so warm and loved when I read your replies 🥰🥰🥰 thank you for being such a wonderful sweet lovely amazing nice friendly superstar of a person 💖💖💖💖 dkbtho

HI PLS APOLOGIZE I TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS LKFDSJ but i'm finally getting to it, thank u for being patent with me <3 i've been getting good sleep ever since finishing those exams and getting back a good grade on that massive assignment yesterday so THANK U for checking in :)

about your education !!!! it just seems so hard ;____; like obviously when u are in a specific field for so long, the terminology makes sense bc you use it all the time (like how now one really knows what i'm talking about when i use medical terms lol) so i guess just from and outside perspective it looks hard !!! plus we were taught how to learn the basics of music reading in high school bc i was in choir for 1 semester and i was sooooo bad at it, it never really clicked for me ;_____; but i really look up to you for dedicating your livelihood for something you love !!! you seem to be very knowledgeable <3

and i know what you mean about them referring to all of their english stuff to 'US' stuff and i can understand how frustrating that might be bc there are many countries that speak english as well, not just the US ,,,,,,,,, to me it might just be bc their whole "english team" is from the US and everyone who works on their stuff is from the US, also i think the record label is from the US ? so maybe they're just so used to referring it that way bc those are the ppl they work with ya know? but i totally understand how isolating that must feel for a lot of other ppl, i can't really talk that much on it since i'm from the US myself lol but i totally get it and i think it's very valid if it irks some ppl !!!!

and ldskfjslkdjf i loved reading all of this <3 and i really agree with everything you say !!! and i'm glad u are able to pick apart the different styles for each song, for example i also think secrets is one of the more "simpler" songs on the album (not as simple as BEBE) but like, it works for me bc the sax has a nice improv at the end, and the song is pretty synth-y(?) which are elements that i like to a song lol ; you should really dig into mx's older discography tho!!!!! and although i love love love mx's new music (i think fatal love is one of their best albums) there is something that can be said about the timelessness of mx's older discography too <3 i know i've said this to you before, but one of my fav mx songs of all time is blue moon (composed by joo hehe) and like, ,,,,,,,,, i just still cannot believe that was on a DEBUT album ?????? the way it's layered and just the lofi vibes sound so sophisticated and honestly ahead of its time, and i'm not sure how much you've dove into mx already, but i would love to hear your thoughts on their previous music too <3 !!!!!!!

also you should def make that series on ur blog!!!!! i think it'll be nice for u to reflect on but also be a resource for ppl too <3 i think it's a great idea !!!!!! also , thank u so much for taking the time out of YOUR busy day to talk to me <3 it's been so lovely just chatting and im SUPER glad u feel comfortable enough to come here and spend some time with me bc it really means a lot <3 thank you !!!! and i hope u have had a great day today okay?? take care <3

[youcantclipmywings]

updateeeeee

tw substance abuse, self harm, and eating disorder discussion

Tbh fuck this shelter in place. I live in a state where we’re basically in almost complete lockdown except for necessary medical appointments, prescriptions, and groceries. I’m now doing all of my classes through Zoom which basically means I’m not learning shit and I have no fucking motivation to try and honestly my school is lowkey encouraging it. They’re gonna let us choose between keeping our letter grades at the end of the semester or changing it to pass/fail which def has pros and cons but it also makes me feel waaaaaay less motivated to put effort in. As long as I get a D- or above I get a passing grade and none of my classes are ones that will matter for grad school applications. 

I’ve been stuck at my mom’s house and she definitely has COVID-19 but the healthcare system refuses to test her (FUCK TRUMP) so we’ve been having to completely isolate from each other. Luckily they’ve been treating her symptoms and she seems to slowly be getting better (she developed bronchitis). Also, my dad got pneumonia so he prob had it too but I haven’t been able to see him because of my exposure to my mom. But my 14 day isolation ends this Sunday and I still haven’t showed any symptoms so I think I’m prob good. Anyways, that means I’ve been having to sleep downstairs, in the bed I slept in right after my surgery. So basically, I’ve been stuck inside with nowhere to go, sleeping in the same bed that I had been for 6 months previously, and there’s no end in sight. Of course I’m fucking triggered. I got 2.5 months of reprieve and being able to function like a fairly “normal” person and now I’m back to what feels like my post-surgery recovery was. And I’ve been coping horribly. I’ve had urges to cut for the first time in quite awhile. I’ve been drinking almost every night. I haven’t had access to weed but if I did I’d been smoking everyday, multiple times a day. 

It’s unfortunate that I’ve completely fallen apart substance wise because I had actually started doing better. I’d been drinking on the weekends bc college parties but I wasn’t day drinking or drinking on weekdays/weeknights which felt reasonable to me. I finally told my therapist that I’d basically been high everyday since November 2018 and we made a plan for me to try and stay sober a week (this was just over a month ago I think?) and I lasted the whole week and only smoked twice the next week (I only see my therapist twice a month so that felt huge to me). And then the next session, I was finally able to mention that I was feeling a little concerned about how intensely I was focusing on my weight loss and how I felt like I was taking unhealthy measures in order to get what I want. I couldn’t explain the extent but I was finally able to mention it which felt pretty big as I’ve been hiding it since October 2019. And then my session this past Wednesday I talked to her about how I’ve been drinking a lot and she was like “yeah, that’s completely understandable given your situation. of course you’d be super triggered right now.” and then we tried to figure out some ways for me to channel my upset energy so I don’t feel as overwhelmed and upset. 

Anyways, I had a few days sober and then drank yesterday and attempted to smoke today but the pen is completely out so... I def need to go through with the plan my therapist and I made to help calm down that triggered energy. I also need to find some sort of activity or thing I’m passionate about/interested in to do because sitting around watching Law and Order SVU and YouTube videos criticizing Trisha Paytas and Tana Mongeau (or however you spell their names) because while that’s entertaining, it isn’t productive. Also fuck Trisha and Tana they’re horrible disgusting people who don’t deserve any of the attention they get. 

I’m gonna try to commit to working through this shit and being more mindful and grounded. Meditating, going on short walks, waking up around the same time everyday on the weekdays, limiting my screen time, learning new skills, etc. I think that’ll distract me more than what I’m currently doing.