#winter depression be hitting me a little earlier and a little harder than usual

[petvles]

...

[jawritter]

Broken Me...

Ch. 9

Summery: The Dallas Convention couldn't have come at a worse time for Jensen. His world fell apart earlier that morning, but was expected to just act like everything was normal. You and a friend were at the convention for her birthday. Life hasn't been that great for you either, but a forced meeting on stage changes two worlds. Will you be able to put this broken man back together again...

Series Warings: Cheating, shitty marriage, Danneel is a bitch, I unfortunately have to put that as a warning because some people tend to get turnt up about it if you don’t... Smut, Crying, Suiside Attempt, brief discription of suicide attempt and recovery, depression, hints of self loathing, language. I think that’s it... Suicide Trigger warnings will be placed over each chapter!

Chapter Warnings: Sick!Jensen, vomiting, Jared being a little bit of an asshole.. Language.

Word Count: 1650

A/N: BINGE READ TIME!! As always all mistakes are mine! Please do not copy my work! Feedback is gold!! Hope you all enjoy this one!!

Want More? Check out my masterlist!!

****MASTERLIST****

Jensen's POV:

It had been three months since Jensen had met Y/n at the Dallas convention.. 

During those three months he’d spent the majority of your time working for two weeks filming in Vancouver, then flying home for a weekend to see you. 

He hated being alone in Vancouver. While he was in Vancouver the two of you skyped every night before bed, and every day on his lunch break, even if it was midnight.. He’d fallen hard, harder than he ever thought he’d fall for anyone again, and fast.. 

Separation just came with the territory as far as his job was concerned, and he knew that, but that didn’t make it any less tough to be away from you… He’d been thinking about  asking you to move to Vancouver permanently with him while he was filming…

Danneel had given him back his house in Austin, although he hadn't been there yet. So the two of you could both stay there when filming was over. It was just a matter of getting up the nerve to ask you.

The alarm clock was going off loudly next to the bed in what felt like only minutes after he’d fallen asleep.. Rolling over he slapped at it blindly. Not wanting to leave his warm bed. The hours he worked while filming are brutal, and this morning he felt it worse than others. 

Yesterday he did nothing but 9 hours worth of fight scenes all day long. This morning when he stood out of bed his whole body ached like he’d been run over by a mack truck. Before making his way to the shower he clicked the coffee pot on, and grabbed his phone sending you a text message like he does every morning..

Good morning beautiful😘

Turning on the hot water Jensen stepped inside the shower, hoping that the hot water would beat away some of the soreness in his muscles, but only about five minutes in he started to get a light chill deposit, the warmer than normal temperature of the water... 

'Stupid Vancouver winter.' He mumbled to himself, getting out of the shower and quickly getting dressed to head to the studio.. All he really had to do was shower and brush his teeth, the girls in hair and makeup would do the rest for him.. Grabbing his coffee in a thermos he ran downstairs and made his way to the parking lot where Jared and Clif were waiting for him.

By the time he’d made it from the front door of his apartment building, to Cliff’s SUV he was shaking so hard he could hardly hold on to his coffee. 

"Hey man you okay. You look Casper white." Jared said, looking at Jensen like he might drop dead any second, Clif turned around in the driver’s seat, getting a good look at him as well..

"I don't know man. I feel like a truck hit me, and I can't stop shaking." No sooner had he gotten the words from his mouth a wave of nausea hit him. 

Ripping the door open Jensen fell out of the car onto his knees in the parking lot, and vomited violently. Jared and Cliff were by his side in an instant. He stayed on his knees for a moment after the heaving finally stopped. Struggling to stop the dry heaving his stomach was doing.

Jared placed his head to Jensen’s forehead before Jensen could swat it away..

"He's burning up. Maybe we should call an ambulance." Jensen heard Jared tell Cliff, but he couldn't respond, still trying to get the violent shaking under control. A few moments later an ambulance pulls up and the EMTs load him onto the stretcher, and into the ambulance.

This was just perfect…

Just when he thought his luck couldn’t get any worse, the universe obviously felt like it was time to challenge that theory..

........................................

Your POV:

The alarm went off obnoxiously on your night stand, rolling over you, silencing it and grabbing your phone, squinting at the bright screen in the dark room as if you were staring into the depths of the sun..

Per the usual a goodmorning text from Jensen was waiting for you. You couldn't stop the smile that spread across your face as you opened your text app to reply back. 

You had only been seeing each other for three months, but it had been the best three months of your life so far. Jensen was far from perfect, and just like yourself had his share of problems and issues, but that did nothing to stop the way your heart would leap in your chest every time he walked through the door.

You could spend days with him, and never get tired of him, and you didn’t see yourself ever getting tired of him… He was your person, and that much you were sure about if you were sure of nothing else...

Before you could type the first letter in your text box the phone started ringing in your hand. It was a number you didn't recognize...

You normally don't answer calls from numbers you don't know. It's usually just some telling your car warranty that you've never had is about to expire. This number had the same area code as Jensen's. For some reason that made your stomach drop. So you decided it was better to answer it..

"Hello?" You said, still not functioning at full brain capacity. Being the not so morning person you are..

"Y/n? This is Jared. I need you to fly to Vancouver. Jensen was taken to the hospital this morning. We're not sure yet, but we think it might be just a flu. Either way, he needs someone to stay with him while he recovers. He really doesn't have anyone else in his contacts I could call." 

You sat there for a moment completely numb... 

All sleepiness gone... 

How the hell were you gonna afford a plane ticket to Vancouver?

"Jared.........I don't know if I have enough money for the plane ticket...." You start to tell him, embarrassed about your finances, but he cut you off.

"Don't worry about that. It's already been taken care of. I'll text you the information when I get off the phone with you. You need to be at the airport in an hour. Cliff will pick you up once you're here." 

With that he hung up the phone. Right after the text with your airline ticket information came through.

You sprang into action. Not even grabbing a cup of coffee. You throw your bag together as quickly as possible. Chunk some clothes on you, and literally run to your car. You wanted more than anything to get to Vancouver to see that Jensen was okay. Jared NEVER called. So that means it wasn't a good  situation.

A little over a short four and a half hours later you were sitting in the back of a very nice black SUV driven by Cliff. 

Jensen had just been released from the hospital. It was influenza type A. He still didn't need to be left alone. The fever was down when they got back to his apartment, but Cliff said it was already starting to climb again by the time he left to come get you from the airport.. 

All you wanted was to see him. It had been almost three weeks of pure torture since you'd seen him last, and the phone call this morning made you all the more anxious to see him...

Walking into the apartment you find Jared leaned against the bar with his phone in his hand. 

"He's in that back room there. We didn't tell him you were coming. Figured it could just be a surprise." His voice was as cold as his stair as he walked towards the door.. 

"Jared, why do you hate me?" You blurted out without thinking, stopping him in his tracks. He turned around facing you. His face was unreadable. 

"I don't hate, but I also don't trust you. Don't take that too personally. It's just you two jumped into a serious relationship with each other the literal day after he told Danneel he wanted a divorce. He didn't even give himself time to really recover." He said, glaring at you.

"I would never do anything to hurt him." You said flatly, feeling a little hurt that he would even suggest that you might hurt him... 

"Then prove it." He said, turning around and heading for the door. 

You knew he felt that way, what he said was no shock... 

Still it stung... 

You brushed it off, and headed toward the room Jared had pointed to, right now Jared’s opinion of you didn’t really matter, what mattered was making sure Jensen was okay, that’s why you were here in the first place.. 

Opening the door you find Jensen laying on his back, seemingly asleep. Sweat formed on his forehead. He looked pale. His hair was a mess.

You let your bag slide down to the floor, and walked over to the bed. Slipping in next to him you wrap your arms around him. He was hot. They weren't lying about the fever. He looked up confused for a moment until he caught up with what he was seeing.

"Y/n what are you doing here babe? I'll get you sick." He said, voice low and hoarse. Wrapping his arms around you, and pulling you closer to him. 

"Jared called and said you were sick. Did you really think I was gonna leave you all the way in Vancouver alone where I couldn't pamper and spoil you? I've already had the flu. So I'm pretty sure I'm fine." You tell him. Settling the covers around the two of you as he made himself more comfortable against you.

"I don't deserve you." He mumbled, falling back into his fever induced sleep.. 

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tag list: @screechingartisancashbailiff​ @thecreatiivecorner​ @aflamboyanceofgays @deanwanddamons​​ @imabitch4jensen​​ @rvgrsbrns​​ @bi-danvers0​​ @onethirstyunicorn​​ @i-love-superhero​​ @akshi8278​ @alanegaming @magssteenkamp​ @lemondropirwin​ @squirrelnotsam​ @hobby27​ @spnbaby-67​ @mrsjenniferwinchester​ @defenderrosetyler​ 

binge tag: @sarahbaker2010​

[peachyteabuck]

fashión (bucky barnes x reader)

Summary: At one of your best friend’s drag shows, Bucky catches your eye. Maybe it’s the alcohol, maybe it’s the dance pop blaring through the bar’s speakers, but for some reason you’re feeling a little more daring than usual.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Words: 2,536

Trigger Warnings: Blowjobs, shitty flirting, people are drunk and do sex things

Notes/Other: This was done for @propertyofpoeandbucky ‘s mystery writing challenge!! My prompt was “You’re my best friend. How could I put anyone before you?” and has been bolded within the fic! Also, I feel like this is the total opposite of what I’ve written recent but when I got this prompt I knew this wip was perfect for it. 

ask box / masterlist / commission info / ko-fi

Dating has always been hard for you. Friends and family have always tried to set you up on dates - as has Tindr - but nothing seemed to stick. No one ever seemed to do the trick.

“C’mon, babe…” your friend coos to you. You’re in a dressing room at some fast-fashion establishment, the wide and tall mirror forcing you to stare back at yourself. The too-bright lights burn your eyes, the top radio hits from last year only depress you, and the smell of weed and regret radiating from your skin is making you want a sandwich. “Listen, I know you don’t want to do this-”

Your sigh cuts her off. “Then why are you making me?”

She steps over to you, readjusting the floral jacket before speaking. As you look in the mirror you realize actually kind of…like it. Which is weird. “Because I know better than you, you’re a shut-in, and every moment you’re not being ravished by a muscular hot dude physically kills me.”

God, her brazen personality always catches you off guard. That’s probably why she’s the performer and you just sit alone in the basement of your shared home - sewing and eating and writing all day.

In the end, you don’t buy the jacket. Lucy ends up taking you to her favorite thrift shop and you pick up a deep blue faux-fur coat and some velvet heels in the same shade. Boujie? Maybe. But it’s something you feel confident in, so you don’t grumble too much when you see the total.

You both get to the club early so she can get ready, focus on turning her face into the inside of an elementary schooler’s pencil case – one young enough to understand that there’s never such thing as too much stationary (or too much color) but young enough to constantly be losing caps. As she steps into the threshold of the famous bar, Lucy’s met with jeers from janitors and bartenders and sound techs alike – all people ecstatic to see their favorite person like a dog left alone during a long work day. As she greets them with the same overjoyed smiles, you slip past the jolly merriment to the dressing room in the back of the building – her outfit bag and make up suitcase in your hands, her shoes and wig in your hefty backpack. Despite the outfit you’d picked out earlier you’re donning the same outfit you’d been wearing since the techie days of middle school – black jeans, black t-shirt one size too big, and all black sneakers. All the better to blend in.

Three hours later Lucy has officially turned into Boudoir Z, her drag persona and the username for her long-abandoned Neopets account. The club is packed with people, almost as tight as her dress is with her pads, and some old Kesha song thumps the floor to its beat.

“Are you ready?” you ask, double checking her hands for any loose nails.

She grins as wide as she does right before every show, eyes bright and sparkling like a child on Christmas. “Hell yeah.”

As her intro song starts you scurry away to find your way to the bar, hoping to grab something strong before the show really starts. You don’t really like attending your friend’s (or anyone’s) drag shows, they’re loud and crowded and normally that’s your definition of Hell. Sometimes, though, you can muster up the energy. For whatever reason, today seems to be one of those days. Or nights.

Whatever. Time is an illusion.

The first few beats of the song are long, edited for artificial pauses to build excitement in the crowd. You know the version of Lady Gaga’s Applause well, so it throws your entire brain through a loop when someone pumps into you when you try and grab your rum and coke.

“Sorry,” the guy hisses, immediately moving to make sure he didn’t spill any of his wine cooler on you. You’re about to brush him off, thinking he’s just another guy trying to cop a feel while the main attraction distracts from any protective butches within eye shot. But when you notice he’s carefully avoiding your chest – and pulling away when he notices the lack of dampness on your sternum – you allow yourself to give him a half glance at the brick wall of a man in front of you.

God, you’re so ashamed you noticed that. You’re also ashamed to notice his thick thighs, massive arms, silver hand with black lining, his perfectly mused brown-black hair, and beautiful scruff.

“H-hi,” you stutter, deep exhale one close to dramatic women in movies when they think they’ve seen God. Good luck ladies, I’ve already found him – he’s in the shadiest gay bar in NYC. you think as he shyly smiles at you with cheeks you want to shove between your thighs and lips you want attached to your-

“I’m so sorry,” he tells you, checking again to make sure he didn’t turn your shirt into a bar tap. “I got distracted by-“

You sigh. Of course, he was looking at Lucy. “It’s fine, really, I promise.”

In a brief pause between songs, you two lock eyes. Grey-green ones meet your own and fuck, he’s so dreamy.

“I’m,” he seems hesitant to introduce himself. “Bucky. Name’s Bucky.”

You murmur your own name while looking him up and down again. Black combat boots perfectly shined, black jeans tight enough to rival your own, and black hoodie thick enough for winter in Upstate Main.

“Aren’t you hot?” you blurt, alcohol loosening your brain’s tight grip on your thoughts.

The man, Bucky, shrugs. “I run pretty cold.”

Another few moments of silence dialogue between you two - and judging by his set jaw and the hungry look in his eyes he’s thinking the same thing you are.

But, if you’re anything besides an introverted stylist, seamstress, and occasional therapist for the person up on the stage…it’s a tease.

You lean towards Bucky’s ear, music starting up again. “Wanna come join me close to the stage?”

He smiles, picking his drink back up. “Sure thing.”

Lucy, as always, is dressed to impress. Or scare small children.

Either way one perceives her, she’s killing it.

The large, sheer nightgown’s puffed sleeves make the look even more dramatic. The black contrasts extremely nicely with her large platinum blonde hair, and combined with her large, maroon lips and thick, pointed eyeliner - it’s a nice reminder that drag is both an art and something weird as hell. Watching your best friend to what they love and truly one of the best experiences of your life.

The pair of you are off stage left, Lucy on the other side grinding on some speakers. As some Nicki Minaj song plays, you can feel Bucky bounce to the beat behind you. He’s got a surprising amount of rhythm, and as your hips sync his body presses closer and closer to your own. It doesn’t take long, maybe half a chorus for it to turn into full-on grinding, your ass pressed into his crotch so hard you’re worried he’s going to be bruised when he wakes up tomorrow.

Bucky doesn’t seem to mind, though, nipping at the outer shell of your ear with his lips pressed into the tender skin.

“You do this kind of thing often?” he asks, already deep voice now at a low growl.

You shake your head, moving to take another sip of your drink before answering. “Not really, but Lucy is my best friend so sometimes I get dragged,” you snort a little at your unintentional pun. “To shows and stuff.”

Bucky snickers a little. “That’s totally not what I was asking about, but you also don’t seem like the person who’d be friends with Boudoir Z.”

Your cheeks immediately heat hotter than the Equator as you attempt to backpedal. After a few seconds of stammering, though, the liquid courage surging through your veins comes to a head. “Can I suck your dick?”

You turn to face the man behind you, who seems just as surprised at your inquiry as you are. Still, with his eyebrows raised to his hairlines and his eyes wide, he agrees. “Fuck yeah, lead the way.”

The bathrooms here are surprisingly clean, even if the lock of the door doesn’t quite work. But, judging by the second Pink song of the night, you’ve got awhile before the masses become unoccupied and their bladders realize how much alcohol they’ve consumed.

He shoves you against the tiled wall, lips plush and a stark contrast to his scratchy beard. You want it between your thighs, you sigh into his mouth and a wave of heat rolls through your center. But that’ll have to wait for another time.

Locating his zipper as you kiss him is hard, but not impossible, and soon you’re able to free his cock from its painful confines. Bucky gasps at the rush of cold air, a sound that turns into a deep moan when you wrap an eager hand around him. Maybe some other time, some other night when you’re not fueled purely by endorphins, caffeine, and several glasses of bottom-shelf alcohol, you’d do some foreplay, maybe some dirty talk.

Now, though, your mouth waters at the sign of his hard length, and before Bucky can even get a good grip on your hair you’re spitting on him before taking him as far as your throat permits. He moans deep and guttural, jaw going slack and head leaning against the wall. One of his hands feels cool on your head and it’s nearly sobering, how the freezing material feels against the fire dancing across your skin. You’d question the (seemingly) nonhuman appendage, but the progressive soaking of your underwear and his cursing brings your focus to a pinpoint.

Every single one of his “oh fuck”s and “oh baby that feels so good”s drive you to take him harder, faster, and all too soon Bucky’s getting the message and fucking into your throat. Spit falls from your jaw to between your knees, some slick reminder of how gross this is. That only pushes you, though, to wrap a hand around his base with the other massaging his balls.

“Fuck I’m gonna come,” he moans, eyes rolling to the back of his head as both hands wrap around him. “Gonna fucking come down your throat, fuck.”

Fuck yes he is, you think, shoving him back down your throat one last time before the grip on your scalp gets impossibly tight and his thrusts suddenly still and his lets out the deepest, most erotic noise you’ve ever heard in your entire fucking life. The salty taste of him rolls down your tongue and down your throat, his whole body tense as he shoots his load into your mouth.

The second he releases your hair you fall back against the sink, air you’re gulping tainted with the taste of Bucky’s cum. He seems stunned, a little out of it, but still offers to reciprocate. It’s then you realize that Patti LaBelle is playing, and if you’re remembering the song correctly, you’ve got thirty seconds to be backstage and ready to help your best friend get de-dragged.

“Fuck, I gotta go,” you hiss, splashing cold water on your face and trying to calm your ragged breaths. Just before you can open the bathroom door, though, Bucky stops you.

“Wait, just,” he huffs, digging in his pockets for something. Quickly he produces a phone, and he hands it you with the “new contact screen” on it. “Please, give me your number.”

It’s obvious he’s the stronger of both of you, so you slam your fingers on the cracked screen to string together your phone number. It seems the man’s satisfied, because he releases the ajar door from your grip and lets you flee backstage. Lucy comes off just in time for you to meet her, ready with make up wipes and chapstick. Instead of taking both from you, though, she brushes past you to grab at a bottle of water – a surefire sign she’s not done.

You begin to protest, knowing she’s too drunk to lip sync to choral music, let alone her traditional encore playlist. But she waves you off.

“I’m just going to meet some people at the bar take some pics,” Lucy downs the entire 32 ounces of water in record time, barely getting any lipstick on the mouth of the thing. “Don’t worry, just…I don’t know,” she rolls her eyes at her own inability to speak. “Go kill a Westboro Baptist Church member or something, alright? Just…” she hiccups and starts to lean to the right, but adjusts herself before you can do anything. You steady her with a hand on her shoulder, and she lowers her face to yours and juts her lower lip out to pout. “Just wait up for me, okay. I don’t think I can find my way home alone.”

Before you can respond she pushes past you and into the screaming crowd, her shouts and shrieks almost as loud. A quick scan of the dimly-lit bar reveals no Bucky, and without his number you’re stuck putting her reveals back together and unused the unused supplies.

At the end of the night you meet Lucy back where you left her – only this time in black leggings and a purple NARAL shirt shirt three-sizes too big. As she wipes away at the thick cosmetic mask with a dirty make up wipe, your eyes meet hers in the mirror.

“I saw you with some guy tonight,” a smirk paints her lips as heat paints your cheeks. “Did anything happen?”

You bite at your bottom lip, hoping she won’t press further. Luckily, she remains covert, just giving you a once over before speaking again.

“Are you gonna run off with him and abandon me to do all my drag shit by myself?” She asks. Lucy’s tone is playful, but you can tell there’s a hint of seriousness to it.

You shake your head, tucking a bit of hair behind your ear and tucking your hands into your jean pockets. “C’mon, you know I’d never do that. You’re my best friend. How could I put anyone before you?”

Lucy turns around and smiles, perfectly white teeth especially pearly surrounded by the smudged deep purple lipstick and thick, black eyeshadow, a misplaced lash, and what looks to be a twenty-dollar bill stuck behind her ear due to excess wig glue. “Good, because there’s no way I could do Boudoir Z without you.”

Silence settles over both of you as she wipes off the rest of her make up (and pulls out the cash stuck in her hair and to her neck). The only sounds are her throwing loose powders and eye shadow into her make up suitcase and, soon, your phone vibrating in your back pocket. On the screen flashes a text from an unknown number, Bucky you think, and then another right after.

wanna see you again

when are you free

You smile at the screen, giddy like a middle schooler being asked out by her crush. “Hey, Luce…” you wait until she’s facing you to continue. “When’s your next show?”

[bizarrewritings-blog]

3 Words - Stucky

Steve Rogers x Bucky Barnes

Summary: It only took 3 words to turn Bucky's world around. Normally, almost nothing could caught him off guard, but in that moment, his jaw nearly hit the ground.

Word count: 2,733

Warning: Slightly implied smut

A/N: This plays partly before, partly after Infinity War but we're gonna imagine everything went well, they won the fight and everyone is alive and friends again. Basically, let's pretend life isn't as fucked up as it is rn. Also, in this Steve and Bucky didn't had contact during Bucky's stay in Wakanda.

For already a while, Bucky's constant state had been simply Confusion. Nothing new, some would say, but it was. At least to him.

He always loved Steve. More like a brother, a best friend, but he loved him. But something has changed since he got unfreezed in Wakanda, being met with T'challa and Shuri rather than his best friend. He felt disappointed almost.

The time he spend in his little cabin in Wakanda wasn't the best as well. Of course, he loved the kids and his goats. And the peace he was finally able to enjoy, apart from the farm work. But he wasn't happy. Steve wasn't there with him and he missed him more than anything. Bucky couldn't go to anyone when those nightmares came back and he couldn't talk to anyone about the fears that still lingered inside of him. He had to suppress all that.

When T'challa brought him his new arm, he knew the peace was over. But Steve was coming. He would be able to see him again. And after all this was over, he would be able to be with him again. He felt his heart swell whenever he thought of it, a small smile creeping it's way onto his face. He couldn't wait. So he did everything to not look like a greasy, depressed man. He took a much needed shower, put on his new arm and suit before making his way over to where Steve and the others would arrive.

When Bucky saw the jet landing he could almost feel his heart exploding with excitement, the smile on his face permanent as he shifted nervously. He watched from afar as T'challa led the group towards him. Then he spotted Steve for the first time in years, and he felt his throat get dry. His hair was slightly longer, styled back, and he had grown a pretty impressive beard, his old uniform worn out. He looked so amazing, Bucky felt himself starting to sweat. He never had that kind of reaction from just seeing someone, but he did now.

As the group neared he tried redeemed himself, taking a deep breath as to calm himself, even though his heart was racing harder than it ever did before. He could hear T'challas voice the closer they got. "You have my kings guard, the border tribe," They were so close, but still haven't seen Bucky. He slowly crept out of his hiding spot. "the Dora Milaje, and-" "A semi-stable 100 year old men" He grinned, instantly walking towards Steve. The Blond smiled brightly at him before pulling him in for a hug. It didn't last long, but it was enough time for Bucky to take in Steves sweet scent. He wished they could stay like this forever. He had missed him so damn much.

"How've you been, Buck?" Steve asked with a smile after pulling away. God that smile. "Ehh, not bad, for the end of the world." Bucky joked, a small grin on his face.

After that they all prepared for the war that was about to happen. Bucky clearly wasn't ready, he was tired of fighting. All he wanted to do was to stay somewhere safe with Steve, just the two of them, like it used to be back in the 40's. But he realized he wouldn't get his wish granted as a couple of spaceships brought a mass of giant, angry aliens to Wakanda.

The fight was hard and exhausting and left all everyone physically and mentally scared, but after what felt like eternity they finally won.

*2 month later*

Most of the Avengers came back to live on the Avengers compound, including Bucky, and it was the happiest he's been in years. He finally got to spend time with Steve again. He obviously didn't have him all to himself, but he would have to accept that.

By now, Bucky had realised that the feeling he got around Steve wasn't like friendship. He had changed, just like his view on Steve. Bucky could feel his heart pick up whenever the Blond smiled at him and when Steve fell asleep next to him after Bucky joined him after another nightmare, he could burst out in tears of happiness.

What held him back from saying anything is Steve's past. To Bucky, it appeared like he was straight. He never told him anything about any attraction towards men, and hell he watched him making out with Sharon a couple years back. On the other hand, Bucky hasn't told Steve about his sudden bisexuality as well. He himself wasn't even sure if he was bi. All he wanted was Steve. But he kept silent, pushing his feelings down in fear of rejection. At least until that day, which turned his whole point of view around.

It was one of those cozy evenings where they all would sit in the lounge, maybe watching a movie, joking around and just being happy about how peaceful it finally was. Bucky would take his standard place on one of the couches, next to Steve. Their arms would brush against each other from time to time, and even the small contact made Bucky shiver. He wouldn't even listen to the ongoing conversation, his mind focused on his phone in his hands and Steve's slight touches. But when the conversation shifted to that exact man, he lifted his gaze to listen. "Come on Steve, when was the last time you had fun, mh?" Natasha, who was sitting on Steves other side, grinned. "I don't have time for relationships. Someone's gotta save the world, y'know." Steve answered, shrugging. "But come on, maybe just a little fun from time to time, nothing serious. It would do you good, you're too tense all the time." Tony joined the conversation, grinning as well. Bucky tensed in his spot as Steve chuckled beside him. He didn't want to think about his best friend/crush sleeping with a random girl. "I hate to admit, but Stark is right." Natasha went on. "What about that barista in the coffee shop this morning? He totally gave you bedroom eyes." Buckys eyes widened. He?

The rest of the team seemed just as surprised. "But Steve isn't gay?" Sam spoke from his spot on the bean bag. Steve turned to him, brows furrowed. "You didn't know?" Buckys breath quickened. There was no way he was- "I'm actually bi." Buckys jaw slacked as he started at Steve in disbelief, just like everyone else. "What?" he heard himself say, a little too loud as now everyone turned to him. He felt himself blush, slowly closing his mouth again. "Why didn't you tell me." He was actually kind of hurt Steve didn't tell him. But then Steve softly smiled at him and he forgot basically everything. "I just didn't know why it would be relevant. I just told Natasha because she was with me when I once didn't turn down a guy who flirted with me." He shrugged. Bucky just sat there staring as his hands, not knowing how to react.

"I'm bi as well." He suddenly blurted, his mouth speaking faster than his mind could think. His cheeks turned a dark shade of red when he realized what he said, his mind spinning as he thought how weird that must have sounded. His gaze lifted to Steve who was just grinning at him. "So you wanna call me out for not telling you when you didn't tell me yourself?" Bucky chuckled nervously at the irony. "Great. Now we have two bi super soldiers." Rhodey joked. "Anyone else want to out themselves? Or are two enough for today?" The room went silent. "Noone? Good, these two are acting awkward enough." Rhodey continued, pointing at Bucky and Steve. Both men laughed slightly at that.

When Bucky was making himself a sandwich in the kitchen a little later, Steve entered as well. "Hey Buck." He smiled brightly, making Bucky smile as well. "I wanted to say I'm sorry i didn't tell you about - y'know." He continued, scratching the back of his neck nervously. Bucky nodded, understanding. "I'm sorry as well. I should've told you earlier." He said, taking a bite of his sandwich. Steve smiled at him again with this goddamn smile that made his heart jump. "No more secrets from now on, alright?" Steve suggested, making Bucky gulp down his bite, the phrase 'I love you' running through his head instantly, wanting to be spoken out aloud. But he kept quiet, told Steve "Of course." instead. Steve nodded at that, padding him on the shoulder before leaving the kitchen. Bucky left out a heavy sigh, his mind dizzy. God he wanted to tell him so badly. But just because Steve was into men didn't mean that he was into him as well. He wanted to slap himself for his feelings, he hasn't fallen for someone in so long and now it had to be Steve? He knew his brain was messed up, but not that messed up.

The following night, Bucky once again woke up in the middle of the night with his chest heaving, his forehead glistening with sweat. A relieved sigh left his lips as he realized where he was, his dream not being reality. He could punch himself that after all these years, he still had nightmares about his times as the Winter Soldier.

He slowly slid out of bed, making his way to Steve's room, as usual. But this time it was different. Since he now knew Steve was bi as well, the chances that he might feel the same as he did were now higher. He took a deep breath as he stood infront of Steves room before lifting his hand, softly knocking again the door. He listened closely to the sound of ruffling sheets inside before a grumpy "Yeah?" made him open the door. He felt a little bad as he stepped inside, seeing a tiredSteve rubbing his eyes. He clearly had woken him up. Still, he didn't miss the way his heart jumped at how adorable Steve looked. All sleepy and soft, shirtless with his blanket pulled up to his broad chest.

"I-I'm sorry if i woke you up. I can leave again." Bucky mumbled, nervously picking on a loose threat of his sweatpants. "Shut up and come here." Steve chuckled, making Bucky smile. He closed the door behind him, walking over to the empty side of Steves bed and getting under the covers. He layed on his back, about 2 feet away from Steve as he stared against the ceiling. "Wanna talk about it?" Steve asked, laying on his side as his head rested on his elbow, looking down at Bucky. Bucky could feel his heart racing. "It's almost the same I've been having the last couple weeks. Nothing new." Steve nodded before dropping down beside Bucky, now laying much closer to him. Bucky could feel the heat radiating off the Blonds body and it made him want to cuddle into his side.

"Hey Buck?" Steve ripped him out of his thoughts as he stared at the ceiling as well. "Yeah?" "How did you know you were bi?" Bucky swallowed thickly. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Steve was looking at him again. He clearly couldn't concentrate under his intense gaze. "I-I don't really know. Why?" Steve lifted his gaze back to the ceiling. "I dunno. Just curious." Bucky furrowed his brows in confusion. "How did you know?" "I fell for a guy, duh." Steve answered amused. Bucky felt his face heat up. "Of course." He simply replied. A calming silence filled the room after that. Bucky could still feel the heat from Steves body while he listened to his steady breathing. This was normally the point where they would either cuddle or just fall asleep next to each other. Bucky wanted nothing more than to be as close as possible to Steve, so he went for option one.

"Steve?" He asked quietly, getting a "Mhm?" as a response. "Can we cuddle?" He hated how desperate he sounded, but he smiled lightly as Steve chuckled. "Of course." Bucky immediately turned to Steve wanting to scoot closer but Steve suddenly stopped him. "I probably should put something on before this." Buckys brows furrowed. "What do you mean?" "It's a warm night. Didn't expect company." Steve answered honestly, shrugging his shoulders. It took Bucky a moment to understand, his face turning red as soon as he got what Steve meant. "Y-You're naked?" He asked, making sure he understood him correctly. Steve chuckled, amused by how flustered Bucky was, before nodding. Bucky just stared at him in disbelief. He had been laying in a bed with his butt naked crush. Steve still faced him as well, his lips curling into a sly smirk. "You want me to put something on or not?" He asked, biting his lip. Bucky fought the ought to stare at his mouth. Instead he kept his eyes on Steves as his throat went dry, his whole body feeling on fire. He wanted to say no, wanted to feel every inch of Steves skin. But he would never be able to fall asleep when Steve would be just laying beside him, completely naked.

So he swallowed thickly before croaking out a "Yeah." Steve nodded, smiling before standing up. Buckys eyes went wide as he now had full vision of Steves butt as he walked to his wardrobe to put on a pair of boxers. Buckys breath got caught in his throat as he watched the other man bent down slowly. Then it hit him. Steve was putting on a show for him. Noone takes so long to put on one piece of clothing.

"You little shit." Bucky almost growled, making Steve bite his lip again. "What was that?" The Blond asked as he turned around to get back on the bed. "You're doing this shit on purpose." Steve drpped back down beside Bucky, tilting his head to one side innocently while he grinned. "And what if I'm doing it on purpose?" He leaned forward slowly, smiling as Buckys breathing became more erratic. "For what reason?" Bucky questioned, now shamelessly staring at Steves lips which were slowly inching closer. They were already so close, he could feel Steves breath against his face as he chuckled. "Because i like you, dumbass." Buckys eyes widened, flying back to Steves to see if he was lying. "Are you serious?" Steve chuckled again. "Of course. Now stop talking and kiss me." Bucky didn't need anything else as he leaned forward, crashing his lips against Steves. He groaned into the kiss as they lips moved together, the taste of Steve even sweeter than he imagined it.

Bucky moved his hands to Steves waist to pull him closer, while one of Steves hands made it's way into Buckys hair, tugging gently. Bucky moaned softly at that, Steve taking this opportunity to slip his tongue into his mouth. Both their tongues danced together perfectly as small noises of pleasure left Steves mouth. Buckys grip on Steves waist tightened as the only way to keep him grounded. He could feel his mind spinning, the warmth he felt in his belly spreading over his whole body. Of course he had kissed multiple people already, but this was a whole new level. With Steve it felt so good, just RIGHT. Like they were made for kissing each other and noone else.

After a couple minutes Steve pulled away, gasping for air while grinning at Bucky. "Shit, if i knew you could kiss like that i would've made out with you earlier." He chuckled, making Bucky smile. "We definitely should have done this earlier. We're both surprisingly good at it." Bucky agreed, earning a laugh from Steve. "Guess I'm going to take this as an 'I like you too'?" Steve questioned, his eyes meeting Buckys. Bucky slowly lifted his right hand to lay it on Steves cheek, slowly stroking the stubble as he smiled softly at him. "I like you too." He could see the way Steves eyes lit up, a wide grin on his lips. Both leaned in to kiss again, this time more slowly and lovingly than the last one as butterflies interrupted in both their stomachs. And as Bucky felt Steve smile into the kiss, he knew he was deeply in love with his best friend.

[tempinksailblog]

pale breathes his potentially last words, his face as cold and impassive as ever. the revolver, which glimmers in the moon's light, cast through a golden filter to birth an artificial sunshine, clicks like a final bell toll. his grip is steady. "This is hell’s territory, and I am beholden to no gods." ///kingdom au but i challenge u to use pale!!! >:3c [represent or use the dialogue doesn't need to use the extra input inhfhdhdhdgd]

Intruders of Secrets

It’s been almost a week since Ink’s game assassination prank, which was an attempt to scare Template into anger and it clearly worked. He would talk to Ink less and smile almost not at all. Slowly his eyes drooped as the cold winter hit the area, and he seemed half starved after a time. His bones looked brittle, as if he could fall apart and dust at any moment.

Yet, even so, he could still somewhat hold his own for a few minutes while they sparred. He never gave a plea for more food either, not even by looks. The days became very depressing after that point compared to the earlier times. Ink’s “plaything” slowly started to be morning to mess with, so he stopped trying. If Template wanted to eat at the table with the lonely king, he let him, so at least he stopped looking or sounding so starved eventually. Template was better than inviting over nobles to fill the space. They nagged Ink and offered brides to marry, Ink only guessing they wanted power more than anything. As much as Ink didn’t care for much and he didn’t plan to fall in love at least, he didn’t want a nagging, stuck up daughter of a noble. Even if he did end up marrying one, and a noble forced it just for power or riches, an assassin wouldn’t be able to take him down. That was something he felt sure of. Maybe too much so.

· · ·

A figure dug his knife into a castle maid’s back, keeping the weapon there until he hid the body somewhere safe for it to properly bleed out. He didn’t want to leave any traces yet, not until he was at his final destination of the king’s room, then he’ll start the war.

By his observations it was after dinner, and the king moved to his room to be alone. Not even his “pet” would be there. This should be an easy mission.

Once he was at the door, he slowly opened it to not alert the king. He didn’t know if his target was sleeping or just in his room, so he tried to play it safe. Yet, he found Ink on the balcony expanding off the king’s room, looking out into the night.

“I see you’ve finally arrive.” The king unexpectedly spoke, making his assassin taken aback. “Pale, was it?” The assassin didn’t respond, as creepily correct as it was. Pale just started as Ink turns his head to look at the person that planned to kill him. He waited for Pale to respond, but chuckled lightly when he didn’t. “What? Shy to face someone with more power than you?”

Pale just closed the door before breaking into a sprint at the king. Ink let Pale force him to the edge of the balcony, giving a wide grin when the blade stained in his servant’s blood pressed against his neck.

“I’m surprised you haven’t asked how I know so much.” Ink almost laughed, now not expecting a response from his blank attacker, so he continued. “You’re not very good at hiding, you know I can tell when you were stalking me daily since a month ago, you stolen citizen. Error is really bad at training you apparently. Was he like God to you when he killed your parents years ago because you seem like the perfect killer?” Ink sounded mocking, but seemed to be stalling too.

Pale breathes his potentially last words, his face as cold and impassive as ever. His grip is steady on his blade. “This is hell’s territory, and I am beholden to no gods.” Ink’s smile grew more as he heard that and felt the knife press a bit harder. The king reacted quickly by grabbing Pale’s wrist, noticing the hesitation within the little assassin and taking advantage of it. He twists Pale’s wrist and him around and pins him onto the floor, taking the blade from the other’s hand.

“Least you’ll die smart.”

· · ·

Template sighed as he finished cleaning the dining table. Usually servers came to clean it up, but they didn’t show up this time so he just did it for them. Where could they be? They know what happens if they miss a bit of the rountine.

Template just made his way to Ink’s room, not feeling up to questioning it too much today. Yet, when he opened the door to the room, he had a rush of a feeling similar to when Ink faked his death. Ink had a blade up to what looked only like a preteen’s neck, even if Ink didn’t look much taller. Ink wasn’t tall to start with.

“What are you doing, Ink?!” Was he trying to paint himself as a killer now, Template wonders, by killing a kid? Ink at least looked up and loosened his grip on the preteen, but keeped him pinned. Pale also looked up and over, since the blade wasn’t so hard against his neck any more, and made Template able to recognize him.

“Defending myself, what else?” Ink made the snarky reply, his voice sounding cold. As much as Template didn’t really like Pale or his morals, trying to teach him better before Template had reached the castle, but he was at least still a learning kid either way. Only twelve last he heard.

“Kids make mistakes and can follow the wrong path without wanting to! Just let him go, it’s not worth it.” Template mumbles, shaking his head a bit as he tries to make a pleading argument. Ink had listened, but didn’t seem to care as he goes for Pale’s neck again and makes Template panic. “He didn’t choose to do this! He grew up in the same system as I did!” He yells to add on.

Ink slowly looked up, taking in the words. “Error’s system?” Template nodded quickly, covering his mouth. Ink thought for another moment, glancing down at Pale below him, before tossing the knife across the room to land flatly on the floor. That explained the fire in Template’s eyelights that seemed to burn, and how he was the way he was. Ink just got up from the floor, letting Pale go.

“Error said once that he would at one point send his best assassins to come kill you…” Template mumbles out, a bit muffled by his hand. “I just didn’t know this soon or him…” Template gestures at Pale. “Yet now it makes sense with my absence and… His lack of care…”

Ink nodded his head slowly, thinking of something. “I guess this rebel group’s project is bigger than I thought.” The king looked at Pale, who was just sitting up with a dead expression. He knew what would happen if he failed, succeeded, or died. In two may the castle get more defensive than before, and in one it falls apart. “So if he wants to send gifts our way, then we’ll take them or kill them.”

Template was a bit frightened, but didn’t say anything until he looked at Pale. “Then what do we do with him?” Ink grows an evil grin and looks at the preteen.

“He can choose. Be loyal to us or Error. Which is it, kid?” Ink’s smile had a hint of bad intentions if Pale chose bad. Yet, the kid just shrugged.

“I guess with you guys is fine.” Pale didn’t really expect the outcome, but it worked for him either way. Ink’s grin didn’t go away, though.

“Perfect! I’m sure you’ll be useful! For now, I know just who to give you to!” Ink seemed too excited. “Follow me!” The king starts to head off. Pale didn’t question it and got up to follow, while Template stayed behind to calm himself. He can ask anything later.

· · ·

A figure moved from the hall corner that had been previously cleared of people. “I see how it is.” They mumbled as they watched Pale leave the room with the king. “I guess we’re going with our second plan.” Then, they walked away as if they were never there in the first place.

· · ·

Ink knocked on a door, waiting for an answer. Pale stood in wait nearby, not having spoke since he made his choice. The door soon opened though for the two, and a tall skeleton stepped out.

“Yes, Ink?” The skeleton didn’t seem fully pleased to see his king.

“Hello, Time! Got you another kid!” Ink states, gesturing to Pale. “Teach him and stuff for me, okay?” Time squinted at him.

“I get the educating, though surprising someone looks right off the streets, but what was that first part supposed to mean?” Time grumbled, two teens popping up behind him as if they had heard Ink. One was dressed in mostly yellow and one was mostly in purple.

“You already have four kids, one more shouldn’t be so bad, right?” Ink had a wide, yet bad meaning grin. Time seem mostly annoyed at Ink, though. “Even if one’s pretty moody.” The purple kid pouted quickly at that.

“That’s not how it works. That’s like comparing a warrior of years of training to fifty new ones and taking them on for training.” Time responds, letting out an annoyed sigh. “But fine, I’ll take him under my care anyways. If it makes you happy at least.”

“Good! I’m sure he’ll be fin to deal with.” Ink’s smile grew and then he spinner around to walk off. “Oh, and…” He stopped suddenly. “People may come for his life or just to use him again. Watch out for that, will you?” With that, Ink was walking away. Time could tell he was at least serious for that last bit.

“I see.” He mumbles, looking over at Pale. “Well welcome to the group, I guess. It may feel a bit over the top at first.” He explains, before starting to walk back into the room. That’s when the yellow teen stepped from behind, while the purple one followed Time back in.

“So what’s your name?” Yhe bright teen asked, beaming a smile. Pale was a bit surprised, not use to the friendly interaction type, but just slowly gave a smile.

“Pale. You?”

“Dream! It’s nice to meet you, Pale!”

~ ~ ~

Aaaa a. A a a I finished it! It took a day to type it all up so oof, but I tried a page a day or so to get it done. Kinda my writing goal to get through everything. Finally out of school so I can finally post this too woo! My back hurts so I’m gonna take a break then do some homework

but thank you for the challenge, using my little to no words type of guy until you get him excited excited. :D he was fun to add in, and I used your prompt thingy anyways, just adjusted a bit

~Mod Taco

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 28/11/2020

Huh... I expected a busier week this week but I probably got what was ahead of me just a bit earlier this week instead of anything that feels contemporary or currently relevant. I mean, yes, we do have three top 10 debuts but that’s as far as our stories go in terms of the big singles and albums I expected to have some kind of less muted impact on the chart. The big issue here is that I didn’t consider how much of a chaotic mess 2020 has been, so people really want to get straight to the festivities, if you catch my drift. Hence, with four weeks until Christmas, and a Christmas that for a lot of people will be a lot different thanks to you-know-what, we have a lot more of the holiday stuff crashing in earlier and harder than I or anyone expected. It’s still November, guys, calm down. Anyway, Ariana Grande’s “positions” spends a fifth week at #1 and welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

As always, here’s a brief rundown of what’s going on. Most of this rundown for the UK Top 75 will be holiday music, so I might as well run through the returning entries and climbers first. We have “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis at #72, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #69, “I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday” by WIzzard at #61, “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea at #55, “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” by Brenda Lee at #52, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John at #49, “Underneath the Tree” by Kelly Clarkson at #46, “HOLIDAY” by Lil Nas X up to #42 off of the debut, the horribly racist and despicably awful “Do they Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid at #38, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #35, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens at #33 and then some big gains for the Christmas songs that were already here, like “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring the late Kirsty MacColl at #26 having the biggest rise of the week (there’s always controversy surrounding that song each year so it tends to surge high – also it’s an incredible song), “Last Christmas” by WHAM! at #20 and “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey already up to #14. That doesn’t mean there weren’t other gains and returning entries of course, in fact, we have some big ones, those being “Plugged in Freestyle” by Fumez the Engineer and A92 inexplicably making its way up to #39 because Irish drill is always good for the holidays I suppose. Speaking of drill, “Whoopty” by CJ is at #12 and “Loading” by Central Cee is at #34. “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd also enjoyed continued gains up to #24. Thanks to BTS releasing their umpteenth album Be, the lead single “Dynamite” is back at #37 – more on them later. Oddly, thanks to the PlayStation 5 of all things, “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee returns to #30. I mean, okay, sure, it could be a worse song at that spot. Naturally, however, we have some big fallers and drop-outs because of this, so I’ll list them off starting with the fallers. Nothing survives Christmas music, and especially with UK chart rules, streaming cuts and a BTS album, everyone suffers, but especially hip-hop and R&B. In no particular categories, here’s our mish-mash of fallers: “Lemonade” by Internet Money featuring Don Toliver, Gunna and NAV at #22, “Giants” by Dermot Kennedy at #28, “What You Know Bout Love” by Pop Smoke at #29, “i miss u” by Jax Jones and Au/Ra at #31, “UFO” by D-Block Europe featuring Aitch at #32. “Holy” by Justin Bieber and Chance the Rapper at #40, “WAP” by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion at #41, “Princess Cuts” by Headie One featuring Young T & Bugsey at #43, “Looking for Me” by Paul Woodford, Diplo and Kareen Lomax at #45, “Lasting Lover” by Sigala and James Arthur at #47, “Come Over” by Rudimental featuring Anne-Marie and Tion Wayne at #50, “Ain’t it Different” by Headie One featuring AJ Tracey and Stormzy at #51, “Holiday” by Little Mix at #53 (Wrong type of holiday), “Chingy (It’s Whatever)” by Digga D at #54, “Come Over” by Jorja Smith featuring Popcaan at #56, “Tick Tock” by Clean Bandit featuring Mabel and 24kGoldn at #57, “SO DONE” by The Kid LAROI at #58, “One Too Many” by Keith Urban and P!nk at #59, Jason Derulo’s “Take You Dancing” and “Savage Love (Laxed – Siren Beat)” with Jawsh 685 at #60 and #62 respectively, “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles at #64, “Mood Swings” by the late Pop Smoke featuring Lil Tjay at #67, “Deluded” by Tion Wayne and MIST at #68, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi at #70, “Lighter” by Nathan Dawe and KSI at #71, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals at #73, “Papi Chulo” by Octavian and Skepta at #74, and “Confetti” by Little Mix at #75. Honestly, I can’t find much to complain about here, other than maybe “Lemonade” or “Princess Cuts”, but a lot of these were either some of the biggest hits of the year or just songs hurt prematurely by the festive season. Oh, and there’s also drop-outs from the UK Top 75 ranging in degrees of importance. Here’s just the notable ones: “Straight Murder (Giggs & David)” by Giggs featuring Dave, “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” by BBC Children in Need off the top 10 debut last week and some over major hits from the Autumn-Winter season in 2020, like “Put Your Records On” by Ritt Momney, “Daisy” by Ashnikko, “For the Night” by the late Pop Smoke featuring Lil Baby and DaBaby, “Laugh Now Cry Later” by Drake featuring Lil Durk and three genuinely massive #1 hits and songs that will represent 2020 on a wider historical scale: “ROCKSTAR” by DaBaby featuring Roddy Ricch after 31 weeks, “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi after 52 weeks and finally, “Dance Monkey” by Tones and I after 67 weeks. Okay, so “ROCKSTAR” is the only good song there but I’ll talk about these tracks in my end-of-year lists, if those happen. Now we’ve gotten through all of that, let’s discuss our new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#66 – “Blue & Grey” – BTS

Produced by Ji Soo Park, Levi, V and Hiss Noise

No, I haven’t listened to that new BTS record, even if it’s just six new songs, “Dynamite” and a skit. I don’t mind BTS or K-pop as a whole but I do like my pop music with a bit of personality that I find a lot of these idol groups kind of lack. That doesn’t mean they can’t have infectious and good songs, however, and that also doesn’t mean that they can’t display actual emotion because this song is directly about anxiety, depression and especially artist burn-out, which is a topic of all bands BTS should know well. Reading the English-translated lyrics, despite a clear language barrier, some of these lyrics are pretty poetic and I do like the use of colour imagery. Some of the lyrics seem odd, probably because if I were a Korean speaker I’d pick it up more naturally, but SUGA’s first verse is pretty concise and effective, using this metaphor of a blue question mark over his head, and J-Hope gets into some unexpected biblical territory and goes on this admittedly emo-pop trajectory that I kind of vibe with. The song itself is actually less sonically interesting than I expected, being a mostly melancholic acoustic guitar-based ballad that sure, has some pretty nice acoustic pick-ups, but doesn’t really lay an interesting enough foundation in the verses for them to flow over, especially with the awkward 808 bass and strings that are honestly a lot prettier than any of the instruments further to the front of mix. The boys sound mostly fine, and the chorus is really nicely sung, but J-Hope’s aggressive delivery and charismatic inflections, as well as some clever mixing, make his verse the clear stand-out here, at least in my opinion. For what it is, this is a damn good attempt at tackling these subjects to a young audience and I respect it, even if its meaning gets lost in imagery and could be a bit skewed thanks to how the song’s written. Otherwise, yeah, this is nice.

#65 – “Move On” – Lil Tjay

Produced by Avery on the Beat

You know, it’s odd that we have such scattered new arrivals this week and they all seem to be concentrated in little bubbles at opposite extremes of the chart. These first three are damn near consecutive and in the top 10... Well, you’ll see. For now, we have Lil Tjay of all people debuting on the chart with what seems to be the biggest single from that upcoming second record. I’m not a big fan of the guy, in fact I think he kind of ruined Polo G’s “Pop Out”, but the lead single, “Losses” was pretty okay, and I haven’t looked far enough into his work to really make a judgement. Also, despite being a typical New York Auto-Tune crooner kind of on the same level as A Boogie wit da Hoodie, he has a connection with the drill side of New York, and has collaborations with people like Fivio Foreign and the late Pop Smoke. This doesn’t really show any of that, however, rather going for a break-up track where Tjay feels like he’s going against his deeper instinct to move on from his ex-partner, even if he admits the relationship was toxic. It doesn’t help Tjay’s narrative that the song is borderline unlistenable, though. He decides to sing the ad-libs and some parts of the chorus in this tedious and nasal cadence even worse than his usual whiny voice, which is mixed way too high and he’s still somehow completely unintelligible under the layers of ugly Auto-Tune and reverb on the echoed background vocals. Also, this beat is based on a cheap acoustic guitar loop with a stiff trap skitter planted on top and bass mastering so terrible Lil Baby would be jealous of it. By the time the beat brings in some interesting electric guitar riffs, it’s fading out, and it is absolutely a sensory overload in the verses. I don’t mind the content here at all, but yeah, this sounds awful in almost every regard. Also, since this is our only “rap” song here, where’s Megan Thee Stallion’s album on the chart? Not even “Body”? Huh, I guess that’s why you shouldn’t release in the holiday season.

#63 – “This Christmas” – Jess Glynne

Produced by ???

Jess Glynne produced a cover of the Donny Hathaway classic and uploaded it as an exclusive to Amazon Music for no reason other than potentially driving up sales for that Christmas #1. It worked with Ellie Goulding’s “River” last year (which wasn’t even a Christmas song, just a Joni Mitchell cover), so let’s hope she doesn’t succeed this time. It is on YouTube, so I won’t protest that much, but honestly, why would you want to hear Jess Glynne’s cover over the Hathaway classic, with his smooth, buttery voice, soaring strings and lest we forget the pianos, bongos and that gorgeous horn section that make the relaxed single an absolute classic and one of the best options for Christmas pop, especially in the more R&B sector. With her recognisable but generic smoky-indie-girl voice, plastic-ass production on the horns, strings and especially the digital production, Jess Glynne’s cover isn’t modernised or revived, it just feels gentrified. It tries to go for a guitar solo but it’s in the back of the mix and lasts for like five seconds so what’s even the point? Lil Tjay’s song may have been terrible but this offends me more on a personal level for whatever reason, probably because I am opposed to how commercialised and cultural Christmas is nowadays, which makes the best, more grounded and down-to-Earth Christmas songs the best written and those with the most longevity... at least I think so. This won’t last, though, it’s “I Love Sausage Rolls”-tier Christmas track, and I hope it fades away soon enough.

#48 – “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” – Justin Bieber

Produced by honestly, who cares?

Merry Christmas, happy holidays, and (censored)ing end me. At least Jess Glynne can convincingly sell a Christmas track with her smoky, warm and powerful voice, and, you know, at least the woman can SING! Justin Bieber making a Christmas song is completely expected after his born-again-Christian ass got married and settled down with his new family, and this is pretty obvious in his songs. I mean, “Holy” is practically already a Christmas song, and even with that, it takes a more interesting Christian angle and is mostly about marriage and relationships. Bieber has made Christmas music before, yes, but as a Disney-like child star just to sell records for his big conglomerate... and wow, how Bieber hasn’t changed, since THIS is a soulless cover of the Brenda Lee classic exclusive to Amazon bloody Music. It’s not even on YouTube in full so what’s the point of listening to this all? What is the use of this? It’s not going to charity, it’s less widely-available than the original and as far as we know, it’s not connected to a wider Bieber Christmas release. When Katy Perry pulled this schtick last year, at least she had an original song – and a good one at that – to back it up. If you’re going to sell your soul to the industry devil to attempt to get a sappy Christmas song out to the public so your name creeps back into the household, at least be upfront about it, and not hiding behind your Amazon Music subscriptions. The worst part is how this is actually charting higher than Brenda Lee’s rendition. Bieber, you soulless industry puppet, put your Goddamned song on Spotify or Apple, or just don’t make it at all. You already have a Christmas standard in the form of “Mistletoe”, and that one actually kind of bumps in the sleigh, so why are you doing this? God, I’m praying for an actually good song on this chart any moment now.

#10 – “Life Goes On” – BTS

Produced by Pdogg

You could describe BTS in a lot of ways, but “alternative hip hop” isn’t what I would have expected. Thanks for that, Rolling Stone India. Anyway, this is the big album-release single from the record, and it’s about you-know-what, but more specifically finding comfort, safety and happiness during chaotic world events. They made a speech at the 75th United Nations General Assembly, because of course they did, and this was their main message: “Life goes on, let’s live on”. Honestly, it’s not a bad message and something that people do need to hear right now, even if it is more of a blanket statement than anything too specific or meaningful, and, you know what, that will definitely help this song’s longevity. I mean, that vaccine’s on its way... right? Either way, this song is pretty good. I do like that chipmunk vocal sample playing against the slick acoustic strumming – I understand this sound is all over the album – and both the falsettos from members like Jungkook and RM’s deep rap cadences work pretty well over a beat that, whilst lacking the punch you’d want for a song like this, does a good job at expressing that wish to find serenity and be calm when... you know, 2020 is happening. SUGA’s verse is short, pointless and kind of just there to get all the boys on one track, especially since he’s not really flowing that well here. It reminds me kind of how they want all of the Backstreet Boys to get on the big single to appeal to each and every fan, even if the clear stand-outs of personality will have the most success. For BTS though, I don’t see that, and I think they pretty clearly work best together when they compile all of their ideas into a mellow albeit pretty motivational track like this. I absolutely love those harmonies from Jimin and V in the outro, and whilst I don’t see this sticking around on the charts, I’ll stick around in my playlist, which is more than I can usually say for whenever the Korean lads pop up on the chart. This is our first of three consecutive top 10 entries this week though, so let’s keep going.

#9 – “Monster” – Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber

Produced by Frank Dukes, Kaan Gunesberk and Matthew Tavares

Oh... he’s back. Well, okay, Shawn Mendes sounds pretty nice over this trip-hop-adjacent steady drum beat and the really pretty, cloudy guitars, as well as some of the harmonies they end up having and the distorted guitar by the end and... man, I know “Wonder” flopped but I don’t see this sticking around either. It’s just a nothingness track and while I do like the more specific content about the uncertainties of fame and the music industry, even from the Biebs, Sure, this is pleasant but it’s clearly just radio filler and since radio doesn’t factor into the UK’s charts, I see this as a pretty profound refusal of wanting an actual hit from both Shawn and whoever that guy is next to him on the cover art. I was wondering on how to actually write this segment since I really have nothing to say about this song at all other than that. I was thinking of ignoring Bieber’s presence but that would actually give me less to talk about, so... “Monster” by Kanye West is one of his most hard-hitting tracks and definitely one of his best brag-rap bangers, with an iconic verse from Nicki Minaj and admittedly middling input from JAY-Z and Rick Ross, all stuck together by the minimal, tribal percussion that lets everyone go off and be a bit more unorthodox, as well as Bon Iver’s eerie voice caressing this beat in the intro and outro. Let’s get even newer for a song from this year, like King Princess’ beautiful piano ballad “Monster” that does a damn great job at representing the characters it was made for, those being Marceline and Princess Bubblegum from Adventure Time. I’ve yet to watch Distant Lands because I want to re-watch at least the essential episodes from the original series before, but I am excited to see these characters again and in a different light. 21 Savage’s “monster” featuring Childish Gambino is a pretty damn good trap track, with an unexpected rap verse from Gambino, Paramore making a song called “Monster” for the Transformers soundtrack is the most late-2000s thing that has ever occurred – in 2011, no less, uh, I like the “Monster Mash”. I think there’s an Eminem song in there somewhere, I don’t know. Look, you get the point, I hope that’s enough stalling. Let’s get to that final song.

#8 – “Prisoner” – Miley Cyrus featuring Dua Lipa

Produced by the Monsters & Strangerz and watt

So, Miley Cyrus was a Disney teen pop star and has since been trying to carve out her musical identity to varying degrees of success, but most transitions to styles have been largely unsuccessful in terms of creating a long-term sound. You have the dance-pop, club and hip-hop-adjacent party tracks on Bangerz, the psychedelic “avant-garde” era of Miley Cyrus and Her Dead Petz, the soft country-pop ballads on Younger Now, the ugly alternative R&B-trap-RuPaul-featuring garbage on She is Coming and finally her new, new wave sound, which can be seen in his most polished form on Plastic Hearts and its two singles, “Midnight Sky” and “Prisoner”. Miley is getting a whole bunch of sounds from a lot of different genres and styles going around in the late 1970s and early 1980s, such as the hard rock, pop rock and even punk rock styles all gaining a lot of popularity at the time, and has fused them with disco and modern production to make what is basically a Blondie album if they still had their stuff together in 2020. She has got legends on this album though, like Joan Jett, Billy Idol and even Stevie Nicks of Fleetwood Mac, and honestly I really like how she’s making a female-fronted rock album that is written and performed really well and honestly should probably be her style going forward if she wants to stick with the longevity. I mean, look at “Midnight Sky”, it’s literally still at #7 staring in the face of its successor, “Prisoner”. Much like Lipa’s own “Physical”, this track interpolates Olivia Newton-John’s classic of the same name (that kind of sucks in retrospect), and does a better job than “Physical”, where Dua Lipa has much more of a presence over the drum machines and that minimal bassline that runs through the chorus really well alongside the strings and swells of guitar. This is dance-able, sure, but it’s more of a showcase of Lipa’s swagger and Cyrus’ raspy tone that really works on this album. That pre-chorus is great, especially the second time where Lipa goes solo for that last line. Honestly, my only complaint is the bridge / outro, which feels pretty under-cooked, and that there should be more inter-play between the characters on display here. Other than that, yeah, this kicks ass, and I’m just grateful this song is here and as high as it is, especially on a week like this.

Conclusion

Now, is it completely fair to give Worst of the Week to a song I can only legally listen to 15 seconds of? Yes. Absolutely. It’s going to Justin Bieber’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” on pure cynicism alone. Dishonourable Mention goes to Lil Tjay for “Move On” being an earache, with the Honourable Mention going to “Life Goes On” by BTS for just being solid all around. It’s pretty obvious where Best of the Week lies, though, so yes, it is going to “Prisoner” by Miley Cyrus featuring Dua Lipa, and it really wasn’t even close. Here’s our top 10 for this week:

Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank if you want to give me more undeserved clout and I’ll see you next week.

[5919]

Algo Más(Something More)

Have you ever reached a certain point in life only to still want more? That is my current situation. I have prayed and worked my fingers to the bone so I wouldn’t turn out like my mother. She wasted her life on garbage -drugs and alcohol- not giving a damn about me. I fell to the bottom of her list of responsibilities after my father died. Growing up in south central Los Angeles without a father and living with an absentee mother taught me a lot. My so called “family” is spread out across the country so I never had anywhere to run to. I didn’t have close friends or relatives who I could seek shelter from until I could figure some things out for myself.

When my father died, I didn’t have anyone taking care of me. My mother wasn’t fit to feed me, clothe me, or teach me about my body, puberty, etc., that I should’ve learned at a young age. From the age of sixteen up until now I have cared for and provided for myself. Working my way through school and staying up late for so many nights eventually paid off. Seems like I have it all figured it out right? Well, that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Remember when I said I had no one to care for me all of those years? Eight months ago, I stopped being able to say that, thanks to one man. Naz crashed into my life like what the first plane did to one of the Twin Towers on 9/11. At the time when we first met he changed my life for the better without even knowing it. Everyday that he and I have spent together until a few weeks ago, I thought I had everything I wanted. I was so wrong. My career was thriving, my health at its apex, and my happiness was unlike ever before.

What changed? Me and the way I felt about Naz. I feel loved by him, cared for, wanted, and I’m still happy but I need more. I want something much more. Lately, I have been dreaming of this alternate version of my life. It’s a sure fire utopia that my imagination has created that has me craving this fantasy like a fiend waiting for a fix. Naz has yet to see any changes to my character and I’m hoping it stays this way. I care for him dearly but I’m still not satisfied.

Leaning into my fist I pressed my nose to the cold glass window, daydreaming again. The snow covering the streets, cars, and rooftops weren’t enough to keep my mind in the present. For someone who loves winter, the concept of cold weather, and physically playing in the snow, my mind is elsewhere. My brain cells feel like they’re jumbled together as I focused on my darkest fantasies. Inside of this parallel universe I’ve designed in my head, there is this mystery man whom I have fallen deeply for. I call him my caballero blanco which means “white knight”. My caballero blanco is a sweet and peculiar soul who completely sweeps me off my feet and transforms my life for the better. He turns my lonely nights into hours of passion and my long days into joyous memories in which I’ll cherish forever.

Movement on the opposite end of the sectional caught my attention, breaking me out my trance. “Hey..” he called out to me. “Are you ignoring me, again?” he questioned, slapping me on my thigh. I looked to my right to find him stretched out, hand on my exposed skin, trying to capture my attention.

Without uttering a word I stood up and made an advance out of the living room and toward the front door. Ten seconds or so passed until I felt his hands weighing me down, gripping my hips firmly. “What!” I snapped, spinning around in a circle, backing away so he could no longer touch me. In the moments of us staring at one another, my mind traveled back in time to my father warning me about falling in love. I followed his advice adamantly until I met Naz and that’s when my life changed completely. He showed me what it meant to have someone in my corner and root for my success. The concept of having a support system was foreign to me so naturally I fell for this man a little harder because he introduced me to something new.

“What’s going on with you?” he asked, furrowing his brows and staring at me intently. “You’ve been acting strange for weeks now. You didn’t think I noticed?” he said, stepping closer to me, invading my personal space. I couldn’t look him in the eyes. I didn’t have the strength.

“I am talking to you!” he hollered, using his fist to pick up my chin in a rough manner. This side of Naz no one else gets to see. He’s mastered the art of controlling his alter egos around different groups of people. How do I tell the one man that’s given me so much that I don’t love him anymore? Naz is a good man. Aside from his long criminal record, he’s a good person. He treats me well, feeds me, clothes me, shelters me, finances what I can’t afford, and stands by every decision I make regarding my life. “I don’t feel the same way anymore. My feelings have changed.” I murmured. The level of anxiety growing inside of me has me looking down at our feet again. The look in his eyes that I took note of minutes ago has only amplified by now I’m sure of it.

“You don’t love me anymore do you?” he quizzed. His question hit the nail on the head. Exhaling sharply I looked up to meet his gaze feeling myself drift into another dimension. His hazel eyes seemed to darken, his nostrils were flared outward, and that vein in his neck was protruding through his light brown skin. “What did I do?” he whispered. I was so fixated on the fire in his eyes that I didn’t notice his change in posture. Now he was sporting a slumped set of shoulders, saddened eyes, and wrinkles in his forehead. The turn around with his mood and composure flipped on the guilty switch inside of my brain. Tears accumulated in my own eyes as images of my caballero blanco began to flood my brain. This situation I put myself into has me torn between finishing this conversation with Naz and zoning out. 

Not having the words to say I made a break for the door, sprinting outside as fast as I could getting far away from that house. My thoughts and judgement are clouded thanks to my fantasy colliding with my reality. The temperature outside didn’t phase me as I kept running down the street in just a pair of thin sneakers. Drivers around me were slamming on their breaks back to back providing me with a clear path to continue my escape. I can’t think straight! What changed with Naz for him ask me if he’s to blame for the way I feel about him now? Why did he have to look so sad and broken? The real question is, why did I have to break his heart?

----

It’s been four days since my talk with Naz and because of that, we haven’t spoken. We live in the same house and sleep in the same bed. We have a similar routine but there’s silence between us even with how often we bump into one another. Looking up from my book I saw Naz dressed in all black, carrying a backpack and a duffel in tow. “I’m leaving.” he spoke up, stopping in the doorway. Setting my book down I stood up from the loveseat, mincing across the room in his direction. “Where will you go?” I asked curiously. Over the last few days during our streak of silence I’ve begun to feel remorse for the harsh words I said Monday night. Seeing Naz walk around depressed and without an ounce of motivation hurt me to my core.

“I’ll figure it out on my way. Have a good life ok? I hope you find what you’re looking for.” he sighed deeply, taking one final look at me and walking out of the door. My heart felt heavier than usual seeing him walk away from me and out of my life for good. The minute I heard the door close I realized I had lost everything. For years I put in one hundred and ten percent into my career believing that success was the ultimate goal. I was so wrong. Being loved and having a soul mate to go through hard times with and teach you life lessons is what’s important. This is what happens when you aren’t grateful for what you’ve got. You end up alone and feeling empty on the inside. Being with Nazareth has taught me more than I could ever learn on my own. He opened my eyes to a new way of thinking and I didn’t even show my appreciation.

----

Sinking lower into the bathtub I gulped down the last few drops of my wine, feeling a tear roll down my cheek. Setting the glass down I glanced at the clock on the wall. It’s time. Naz never returned from earlier, ensuring me that what we built is really over. When reality sunk in that I was back to being on my own, I lost my mind. Every piece of glass in the house is now shattered, pillows are torn apart, furniture is turned over, and candles melted down the bases. I was a wreck earlier but now I’m numb. There’s nothing left for me. I have no family, I have no friends, and I have no Nazareth. I realized too late that I had obtained everything that I ever wanted. I craved the feeling of love and acceptance for years whilst raising myself. He gave that to me effortlessly and I spit in his face. Leaning over to grab the bullets I loaded the gun to full capacity. When I felt the cold metal pressed up against my temple, I panicked. A bullet to the head would be too messy. This is taking too long. Procrastination won’t put me out of my misery. Without anymore distractions I gripped the sides of the tub, bracing myself for impact. I’ve learned all I could on this Earth. It’s time I join my father once and for all.

---This is an original narrative written by me. Don’t take credit for what’s mine--

Brianna