#wont do it bc im still trying
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Isn't it funny how my parents pushed me to go through college and university my entire life bc they didn't want me to end up like my brothers with no degree and no career. And yet here we are with those two having careers of their dreams with no degrees meanwhile I have one and a license from trudging through school and I still have no career. Isn't life funny. Isn't that cool. Where's that Steve Harvey clip yknow the one, yessirree...
#tfw talking#how is that fair#seriously how is that fair#I know they live in the one of the most privileged states in the country (california)#but still#thinking about ending it all every day#wont do it bc im still trying#but fuck does it hurt#yeah yeah I know I shouldnt be comparing#but its the fucking truth
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yeehaw, baby!
#if u know me u knew this was inevitable#kon el#conner kent#tim drake#timkon#im gonna ramble after the boring tags ok#dc comics#fanart#western au#superboy#OK !!!! ITS TIME#so kon. obvs is a cowboy here#definitely a bit of a magnet for trouble but not an outlaw#still not the sort of person the son of the drake family's supposed to be talking to but yk kon's gonna try anyway#on tims end it pretty much follows the same events as the comics bc if it aint broke dont fix it#<- in terms of the whole sneaking out at night to do his own secret detective work thing at least#i have a whole silly story for the rest of it but im not gonna get into it all here lmao#but yeah i love cowboys and actual cowboy history vv much so this probably wont be the last u see of this au ദ്ദി ˉ꒳ˉ )✧#for now this post's rlly just for goofing around with design ideas#my art
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#dnd#curse of strahd#rahadin#dnd rahadin#dnd art#artists on tumblr#dnd character#dungeons and dragons#drow elf#dnd drow#i am goncharoving my way out here guys#wanting to do art featuring our rahadin but we dont know anything about him so im filling out the gaps vaguely#peeking just a little into his wiki page with half my eye so i can confirm One Thing#i am fighting the hardest battle over here trying to not spoil anything from how the original lore went down#i learned my lesson not to search for anything bc the guys on reddit wont bother hiding imortant details from the title#i am still laughing..when i was like collecting and writing names together i stumbled upon the name vasili which i did not remember where#that came up so i went okay imma just search it and a piano dropped on me immediately#i am still torn between: this detail fucks im glad i know vs it would have been bonkers if i experienced the piano drop during session#plus the amount im on the cos tag this info is everywhere so there is no way around it anyway
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i feel like im not making any sense but does anyone else feel like there are stories that let u run with them and ones that spell everything out for you
#im reading that post that says artists are directors of audience reaction and not its dictator:#'you cannot guarantee that everyone viewing your work will react as you are trying t make them react. a good artist knows that this is what#allows work to breath. by definition you cannot have art where the viewer brings nothing to the table ... this is why you have to let go of#the urge to plainly state in text exactly how you think the work should be interpreted ... its better to be misinterpreted sometimes than#to talk down to your audience. you wont even gain any control that way; people will still develop their opinions no matter what you do#im thinking abt this again cuz i was thinking maybe the thing that lets adventure time work so well the way it does is cuz it doesnt#take itself too seriously that it gives the audience enough room to fuck with subtext and then fuck with them back yknow. i think it was#mentioned somewhere that they werent even planning to run with the postapocalyptic elements that are hinted in the show but changed their#mind after the one off with the frozen businessmen and dominoed into marcy and simons backstory. on the other side there are stories that#explain too much to let the story speak for itself and i think it ends up having to do more with the crew trying to lead ppl in a certain#direction than expand on what they have and i see a lot of this with miraculous. like when interviews and tweets are used as word of god in#arguments and it becomes a little stifling to play around with it knowing the creator can just interject. u can say its the crews effort to#engage with its audience but it feels more like micromanaging. and none of this is to say there ISNT room for stories that spell things out#theyre just suited for different things. if sesame street tried abstract approaches to themes and nuance itd be counterproductive#a lot of things fly over my head so i need help picking things apart to get it- but it doesnt have to be from the story itself. ive picked#picked up or built on my own interpretations listening to other ppl share their thoughts which creates conversation around the same thing#sometimes stories will spell things out for you without being so obvious abt it that it feels like its woven into the text. my fav example#for this might be ATLA using younger characters as its main cast but instead of feeling like its dumbed down for kids to understand why war#is bad its framed from a childs point of view so younger audiences can pick up on it by relating to the characters. maybe an 8 year old#wont get how geopolitics works but at least they get 'hey the world is a little more complicated than everyone vs. fire nation'. same for#steven universe bc its like theyre trying to describe and put feelings into words that kids might not have so they have smth to start with#especially with the metaphors around relationships bc even if it looks unfamiliar as a kid now maybe the hope is for it to be smth you can#look back to. thats why it feels like these shows grew up with me.. instead of saving difficult topics for 'when im ready for it'#as if its preparing me for high school it gave me smth to turn in my hands and revisit again and again as i grow. stories that never#treated u as dumb all along. just someone who could learn and come back to it as many times as u need to. i loved SU for the longest time#but i felt guilty for enjoying it hearing the way ppl bash it. bc i was a kid and thought other ppl understood it better than me and made#feel bad for leaning into the message of paying forward kindness and not questioning why steven didnt punish the diamonds or hold them#accountable. but im rewatching it now and going oh. i still love this show and what it was trying to teach me#yapping#diary
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#if u know me u knew this was inevitable#kon el#conner kent#tim drake#timkon#im gonna ramble after the boring tags ok#dc comics#fanart#western au#superboy#OK !!!! ITS TIME#so kon. obvs is a cowboy here#definitely a bit of a magnet for trouble but not an outlaw#still not the sort of person the son of the drake family's supposed to be talking to but yk kon's gonna try anyway#on tims end it pretty much follows the same events as the comics bc if it aint broke dont fix it#<- in terms of the whole sneaking out at night to do his own secret detective work thing at least#i have a whole silly story for the rest of it but im not gonna get into it all here lmao#but yeah i love cowboys and actual cowboy history vv much so this probably wont be the last u see of this au ദ്ദി ˉ꒳ˉ )✧#for now this post's rlly just for goofing around with design ideas#my art
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sorry no art in a hot second... ive been really burnt out for a long time now and its been miserable, ive been looking for a normie job for ages so that i can make art something i do for myself again and i havent had much luck but.
i have good news now.
#YIPPEEEEEE#cant wait to see how this effects my relationship with my art#freelancing is hard. im excited to be creative for myself again#prince talks#ideally id want to work in the cartoon industry but its looking rough right now and im already having a hard enough time#but its never too late to try to achieve your dreams#so im just putting it on the backburner for now#have to take care of myself instead of being so worried about 'wasting my life' or whatever because its just making me miserable#LIFE HAS VALUE NO MATTER WHAT DAMMIT#oh btw i will still be taking comms i just wont be making it like.#my only source of income#bc that SUCKED.#i love doing comms. dont love how unstable it is
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"He hurts you because he loves you" classic excuse for abuse, not an interesting angle to go at a story with, boring, annoying, makes me hate anyone who says this shit. "He loves you but he still hurt you" beautiful, amazing, empowering. Love is not a pure, good, flawless emotion, actions matter more than intent, and caring for someone doesn't mean you can't or won't hurt them, and in my opinion, it makes hurting them worse.
#my dc posting#dc#batman#bruce wayne#not directly dc but i was def thinking abt this mf when writing it#like im sorry but narratives abt someone acknowledging their parent was rough/hard on them growing up bc they cared or whatever do Nothing#for me#i have NEVER ONCE seen the concept of ''tough love'' used in any context outside of trying to justify abuse.#like fuck off w the robins going ''bruce is hard on you cus he wants you to do your best'' or whatever I ACTUALLY HATE ITTT#''but he loves her'' ah yes. the most classic fucking excuse for abuse and mistreatment.#i don't care if there is love!!! i dont care if actions come from a place of care and love if the actions are fucking horrific!!!!!#like in my opinion hurting someone you love is worse than hurting someone you hate#i dont care about your intentions if you caused real harm#uegh this is a topic i feel very strongly about bc the bullshit narrative of a character#forgiving someone for hurting them bc they learn they love/care is so prevalent and has never been done in a way#that doesnt make me seethe w fucking rage!!!#gaa >:(#anyway. narratives about acknowleding they loved you and cared for you and wanted the best for you#AND STILL HURT YOU are so good to me#you can hurt someone you love. loving someone doesnt mean you wont hurt them. and love is not an excuse to hurt others.#seems like such basic 101 understanding of the world but apparently not 😒
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guys i got home really late and . kinda drunk . so my friend convinced me to call in sick tomorrow (i've never done it not even when i was actually sick) so i texted my manager, the one who's on shift tomorrow and i'm hoping for the best........... wish me luck?
#i'm gonna set my alarm at like 8 . just in case .#bc i was supposed to do the open tomorrow#thats the only reason why im calling in sick#any other shift i would've done without much issue#but theres no way im going in at 9am when its almost 3am rn and im still trying to sober up#just so i can go to sleep#this one manager is lovely and we get along well so im hoping she'll be fine with it#she probably knows its bc of the hangover and not bc im actually sick but#im not the first one whos called in sick bc of a hangover and i wont be the last#my other manager went out with us tonight and she also got super drunk and im her favourite so im hoping she'll back me up#WE'LL SEE#i just wanna rest properly tomorrow and SLEEP and maybe write too..#is that so much to ask for..
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^_^
#i cant fucking wait to get this over with for good#it kills me to have to look in the mirror and see someone else and know ill never see myself because i cant be myself alone.#i hate that i have to scream and write stupid silly shit to get even a modicum of attention and have even that just be a like on a screen.#im not me anymore ive devolved into nothing and i have no one to help me become real again. sorry i csnt do it alone bc isolation isnt-#-conducive to healing esp for this long#no one will care but thats fine. ive known this for a while#i just want to get it over with and never feel this bullshit again. at least ill feel like me for a second before i die. its whatever.#i can try to play pretend until it comes but it wont work. bc its all pretend#god i cant fucking take another day of this detached horror of existence#i fucking *despise* having my only reactions in a whilebe some hug emoji by a stranger on a serious post. im fucking pathetic. that's why i#gone#gone gone gone. gone.#and i still have to wait for release to be mine. idk how long i can.
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"yes im so fine"
*researches whether i can get my hands on ipecac*
#tw ed#obligatory MASSIVE do not do this#straight up poison that can kill you from one (1) time#used to be used to induce vomiting#directly the cause of death of karen carpenter and countless others#i wont i swear i wont#but i still researched it bc i was curious#tbh there are easier ways of poisoing oneself than semi illegal drugs#also if yall remember the post about a poison i own: i did more reseach and while that amount would probably kill me w no medical#intervention; it would take just under three times as much to be absolutely certain of hitting the toxic dose (calculated quantity per kg#of the top end of a given range. so it could kill me but if i was gonna go out that way id want about three times as much to be sure.)#honestly surprised ive never heard of any deaths from it. the most likely way to survive would be to throw it up i think#(or present to hospital and take charcoal or smth)#honestly though. my research says loss of consciousness and required intubation within half an hour in case studies#hence if you werent in reach of medical attention youd probably collapse an die#and i am very deliberately NOT mentioning what it is bc of how toxic it is#ive thought of combining it and another method to be absolutely sure but eh#honestly if it DIDNT work it sounds straight up embarrassing to admit to people tho thats one of the things stopping me#but literally a dose in a child requiring intubation and kid ended up in a coma recovered w no ill effects.#thats the dream yk. try and succeed and youre free; try and fail and you see no ill effects.#but yeah i wouldnt try w only the amount i have.#so im safe#....rereading the above. okay i might be a little mentally ill lol#but i am safe and absolutely nobody call the cops on me.#im fine.#tw suicide#puddleglum hours#nobody worry abt me ok. im fine.#just thinking silly lil thoughts like usual :)#EDIT: just occurred to me that using this poison could make it not look like a suicide
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what they dont tell you about being incredibly introspective is that you'll think you're done making realizations and then you'll just make more realizations always all the time forever
#dude. guess who just found out the reason he's incapable of imagining himself in a good relationship#is bc he's never witnessed any growing up.#my parents dont have a relationship i would want#only one of my siblings is married and her husband sucks. other has never dated while ive been alive (im much younger)#+ my other sibling had. a strange relationship i wont mention details of but this was also like 5 yrs ago and he hasnt dated since#i have very few close friends and none of them dated as we grew up either#or even with some its like. i wldnt want your relationship lol...#the only Good relationships i see are online from ppl i follow. and then i cant trust em bc we only see the Good Parts#so like. do they even exist... i dont think so....#if i wasnt starved for physical touch id consider throwing in the towel permanently#but idk maybe ill buy one of those pillows with the arms that wrap around you#and a few more **** and try and cope with it in kenland or al's farm forever#talkys#im still 100% serious about ppl who have good relationships being lucky bc i feel like#the chances of finding someone you mesh with and are attracted to and can communicate with. are so slim.#i can barely ever find someone meeting one of many requirements. i can barely make friends. etc
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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the current state of the arg
sorry guys the art isnt arting D:
(btw if youre confused on why i drew turnip like that i was referencing the picrew he did ages ago bc idk it looked fun to draw anddd i dont like taking reference off real life images)
#i felt like just a lillll bit of a creep relistening to voice messages over and over to find a good quote but. yk what. it was worth it#i totally didnt take reference from the really cool face i used in that animation because im still really proud of it#idk if emi or TD have a sona but if they do im not aware of it and i didnt feel like asking so i just drew both of them as blank characters#im too stressed to scheme lol#maybe#just maybe#i need to stop drinking tea because the caffiene makes me anxious#...#naaaaahhhh#i dont really know what to do with myself atm because i dont want to work on the animation unless turnon is ok out of pure spite#this morning i was absolutely radiating stress#i have a friend who shows up so we can walk together to school and she could tell smth was off lol#i literally could not hide it at all even if i wanted too#i kept pulling my hat over my face thats the main way you can tell that im stressed#not that it really matters that you know that bc none of you are ever gonna witness that but. fun fact abt me ig#ugh#if turnon dies i am gonna cry so hard <333#and i wont finish the animation <333333333#(at this point just trying anything to get turnon back)#im gonna make a word doc#i make word docs when im stressed /hj#quick question turnip : is there a way to get turnon out of the situation he is in or is he just gonna die and theres nothing we can do#about it /gen#because i have a sneaky suspicion that we cant actually do anything about this#i swear to god#LETS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE!!#A DEFRAG MIGHT COME OUT TMR!!#its been 21 days and a defrag takes on average 20-25 days#ough#turnip and addon im gonna find where you live and i will burn your respective houses down
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#if u know me u knew this was inevitable#kon el#conner kent#tim drake#timkon#im gonna ramble after the boring tags ok#dc comics#fanart#western au#superboy#OK !!!! ITS TIME#so kon. obvs is a cowboy here#definitely a bit of a magnet for trouble but not an outlaw#still not the sort of person the son of the drake family's supposed to be talking to but yk kon's gonna try anyway#on tims end it pretty much follows the same events as the comics bc if it aint broke dont fix it#<- in terms of the whole sneaking out at night to do his own secret detective work thing at least#i have a whole silly story for the rest of it but im not gonna get into it all here lmao#but yeah i love cowboys and actual cowboy history vv much so this probably wont be the last u see of this au ദ്ദി ˉ꒳ˉ )✧#for now this post's rlly just for goofing around with design ideas#my art
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feel like morgan/lucina is kinda underrated like i get why. but also like… duuude… take it from lucinas perspective: the kid of the fell god that betrayed your father turns against you despite years and years of friendship and most definitely knowing eachother since birth (do you honestly think chrom and robin wouldnt set their kids up on play dates immediately? really??) and despite how much you love them you know they’re beyond saving and you have to leave them behind to succumb to grima when you go back in time to save the world, accepting that youll never see them again! oh shit buts whats this… they show up in the past anyways? having forgotten all the time you spent together, the trouble they caused, everything you meant to them? but its them, its morgan and for the first time in years youre able to see them again happy, carefree, and in complete control! should you feel sad? scared? overjoyed? i dont know! but slap some yuri on that and you got a crazy ass little sideplot all im saying!!!
#ann plays awakening#i just think lucina and morgan have a lot of potential!!#childhood friends to mutual crush to ‘oh shit youre evil i gotta go’ to ‘wym you forgot me?!’ to trying to repair the past#to HOPEFULLY AT SOME POINT lovers. do you see what im talking about??#also i think the implication that our morgan is from a different timeline from lucina could be interesting too#like eventually she’ll have to accept that she DID leave her morgan behind and wont ever see them again#seeing our morgan is a relief to know that somewhere out there they were saved. but hers wasnt. isnt that fucked up#anyways so. guess who im pairing lucina with this time hreheheheah#i wasnt going to at first but then i was just suddenly struck with the idea of them and im j. wow.#also great bc they make up 2/3 second gen units i wont be able to galeforce onto immediately#so. support grind AND skill grind at the same time. yeehoo#i still cant believe they didnt let lucina and f!morgan support tho. like are you joking… CHROM AND ROBINS KIDS?!?!??#insanity.
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on that subject, obsessed with today when i was like "hey guys, can you two stop playing the jumping game for now because it's giving caden a headache" and my 6 yr old cousin is like "you mean 'me'. it's giving 'me' a headache, because your caden". it's like yeah man ur right. my bad . and then they stopped jumping. it was awesome
#the thing is like. the jumping hurt my headright away#but i let them do it for a while before they told them to stop. and then they did#and i think thats part of it too. for somw things you have to wait and let kids have whay they want for a while before swooping in and#asking for them to stop#so they dont feel super controlled#and like. as an autistic person I HAVE TO DO THAT ANYWAY USUALLY#there's so many adult people out there who i have to put up witj their noises because i KNOW if i ask for them to stop theyll get mad#or even on a lesser extent. like as an autistic person w my sorta issues. you have to a let a lot of things go that are genuenly painful#and stressful. bc if u ask people to do things too much they often get upset. even if theyre overall nice#same with kids#but with kids you get to ask them to stop way more and you get to ask earlier than you would with most adults#like. ill be trying to put up with somethinf and struggling and get to the ppont where im visibly shaking and stuttering and on the verge#of tears#and the mere request of 'could you turn the tv ofd#still gets whole ass adults telling me im entitled and bossy#meanwhile child will hear 'thats making me feel bad' and theyll hear that and theyll think about it#and often times theyll stop#and even when they dont they dont insult you!#and people still say little kids are annoying????#when i tell a little kid 'could you turn the sound off on the video game or take it to another room the sounds its making are upsetting me#they LISTEN.#adults have a strong tendency to#use the ironicallt imature logic of ' i like this thing. so it dosent matter if it is upsetting you. i like it so i want to have it. even#though we are in a shared space together. i wont change what im doing because i want to do the thing i like. and thats more important than#not upsetting you. because doing the thing i like makes ME feel good.'#like. litterallt this mindset is easily more promient in adults than small children 100% . on god#and its just about the most childish thing ever.#its understandable. but its immature#and with something this simple its silly people cant let that go. its not complex at all. its stop making noise it is hurting me. easy
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