#writing has been difficult lately so i've been happy to see my progress on this thing again

[ardate]

Hey! Would love to hear some of the latest things you've developed about Greenport!

I'm pleased with myself so here's a sneak peek of the Encyclopedia I've been building on the Greenport Roleplay Server:

I actually started this project ages ago but I finally started working on it again a couple days ago and now almost all of the articles are written!! It's all giving details on the universe and how it works, explaining the different planes, the cities and their aesthetics, giving precise history for angels and demons...

The only articles I have left are some of the species at the bottom and then I'll be able to turn it visible for everyone there heheh :]

This is probably different than the kind of answer you expected but I'm happy with my progress on that thing so take it bGHJGBB

[butterflydm]

this is random but i just remembered that ages ago i saw an ask game for asking fic writers their 5 favorites/ones they're most proud of of their own fics, and i would love to know yours if you're up for it! it would be so interesting to hear a Butterfly Career Retrospective haha

feel free to be flexible on the number and discuss as many or as few fics as you feel like, and to count a whole series as a single entry (like voice, although if you have any particular favorite installments or interludes within that that you'd like to note i'd be curious to hear that too!)

This took a while but I finally got it done, @markantonys!

I have written a lot of fics, so this was a difficult challenge. I am somewhat helped out by the fact that old fics tend to fade out of my memory… but then if I reread a bit of them, I tend to remember why I wrote them and what I loved about them. I did not limit myself to five fics (I tried!) but these are roughly in reverse chronological order of when I posted them.

not in the stars, but in ourselves - trying to bob and weave and make something that feels narratively satisfying out of the mess that is Mat Cauthon's late series arc has become something of a hobby of mine! This is fic is one of several where I narratively examine parts of the canon that didn't work so well for me and try to rearrange them into something that feels like it rings true for the previous characterization and choices.

This fic in particular really made me see how the roadblocks that existed in each of the character's main plotlines was so much easier to solve if they had access to the other main characters (and I suspect that's part of why Jordan kept them so unnaturally separated during these arcs).

I also really enjoy the romance in this fic, and how the characters interact with prophecy in more unexpected ways, and how Rand and Mat help each other through their traumas, and how each of the members of the polycule bring their own perspective to the relationship.

the caffrey exception in White Collar fandom - this fic languished mostly unfinished on my harddrive for a long time before polyweek gave me an excuse to finish it up and post it! I wasn’t really in White Collar fandom, was the problem, and I always write and post more consistently when I have fellow fandom people to encourage me. I also was originally watching WC with my (now ex-)girlfriend and I stopped watching after we broke up, iirc, so I didn’t actually finish the show until years later. And by the time I was writing it, I didn’t feel like there was all that much visible fandom around. But it had a nice little response during polyshipweek, so I was really happy with how it all turned out. Makes me think that one day maybe I’ll finish up and post that RENT fanfic that’s been on my harddrive for eighteen million years.

negotiating with the truth in The Wheel of Time fandom - you can tell I got fancy with this fic because I gave the chapters titles, lol. This fic leans hard into Mat being an unreliable narrator and playing around with that, and it was a lot of fun to focus on and explore that part of him. I do love a lot of the fics I've written in WoT so trying to narrow it down more was tough (and I still only managed to narrow down to three!) but I really loved writing this one and exploring the differing ways that Mat and Rand were approaching this relationship of theirs and how they come to a compromise in the end. I think I really liked that they genuinely do have different wants and desires that need to be navigated.

voice interlude: feels like falling for the first time in The Wheel of Time fandom - this is, a little bit, subbing in for the Voice series as a whole, but I wanted to pick out a complete story and not something still in progress. I am pretty hopeful that Voice will get finished (there are three more main fics in the series, I think — one that mostly spoils through bk9: winter’s heart; one that mostly spoils through bk12: the gathering storm; and then one with whole-series spoilers) but I have some fairly long unfinished works in past fandoms, so eggs and hatching & etc.

What makes this fic in particular stand out to me is how I was able to really take this one moment in time in the series and expand on it so that I could deep-dive into Mat’s characterization and what he was thinking and feeling, and it’s such a revelatory moment for Mat. I enjoy showing characterization via writing about sex, and the interludes in the Voice series really allow me to do that.

my mouth (your lips) my hands (your hips) in The Magicians fandom - This fic where Margo and Eliot approach Quentin on this more equal ground (of them competing to see which of them can land him first) and it developing into a true polyam relationship… I really loved exploring how messy but ultimately loving it was. I also loved delving into Margo as an aromantic character in this fic, and how the great love of her life is her best friend.

A lot of my own fears and pains and worries made it into the three main characters in this one, though all in ways that make sense with their own base characterization, I think. There’s this one line that Eliot thinks - “he had always been better at self-preservation than bravery” and that is 100% canon Eliot but… yeah, it’s also me. One of the things I am working on in therapy is loosening the stranglehold of my self-preservation so that I can be a little braver when it comes to reaching out to other people.

If you like my poly fics in WoT fandom, you might also enjoy my marqueliot fics (but I wouldn’t recommend the show tbh. Or, well, I might rec it up until the episode “All That Hard Glossy Armor”. That’s a good one to end on. And it’s a Margo episode!).

searching for a sound (we hadn’t heard before) in The Magicians fandom - I wrote some serious fix-it fics in this fandom. But this fic was me taking the kind of ridiculous angle on a plotline that I think that the show might have actually pulled off, if it had been so inclined. This fic was also me balling up all my frustration at the poor writing choices and lobbing it at the show’s forehead. It was very cathartic to write. And I think it’s pretty funny too, so that’s a bonus.

(I’m Not Calling You A) Liar for Steven Universe fandom — I am cheating here and including a vid. This vid is… if I sliced up my heart (Hannibal style) and laid it out on a plate, it would look something like this vid. I actually started watching Steven Universe because I saw the “Stronger Together” clip with Garnet but soon after I started watching… holy shit, Pearl and her deep heartbreak over Rose just grabbed me by the throat and did not let me go. Watching her slowly process and begin to resolve her grief was a very healing experience when I was watching the show. There was something very much intensely yearning about Pearl at the start of SU, and how she was trying so hard to hide it (from Steven but from the other gems as well). But she can’t move on until she confronts and heals!

My favorite of the vids that I’ve made, I think, and the one I’m proudest of. There is maybe one single clip that I would change now if I went back to edit it again, but that’s it. I’m fully satisfied with the rest of it; and this is not the case with most of my vids. My Yuri! On Ice vid is probably the other one that comes closest to feeling like I wouldn’t change anything now.

Enyo’s Daughter in MCU fandom — so I am a bit of an odd one out in MCU fandom, because the ship that I liked the best, over any other… Tony and Natasha. Iron Man and Black Widow. It’s a complex and thorny ship, but I liked exploring it. Tony and Natasha both get to be messy and fucked up and exploring situations like that can be interesting. It was written pretty soon after the first Avengers movie came out, if I recall correctly. I never did finish the sequel to this fic, which I am kinda sad about.

Any fandom where canon is currently developing can be kinda tough for me to stay ahead of, in terms of writing any big fic series(es) — this is also why my big Star Wars WIP is destined never to be finished, tbh. I started writing it before a lot of the current canon even exists, and trying to go back and finish it would be difficult because the new shows & movies have changed so much and it can be hard to mentally reconcile what I knew back then vs what I know now when it comes to canon. Once the new MCU movies after Avengers came out, this fic was kinda doomed to never get the sequel finished, alas. And this is why WoT having a closed book canon has made writing fic for it easier, I think.

Melt into Time from American Idol RPF — time-travel fic! I’ve attempted it from time to time, but this one I actually finished. I don’t remember the actual process of writing this anymore, because my memory is for crap, as I mentioned at the start, but it is probably my favorite fic that I wrote in this fandom overall. It deals with second chances and a lot of yearning and people being emotionally messy (a theme for me, for sure).

Justice, Be Not Blind from Dexter — my one and only Dexter fic. What I remember most about writing this fic is that despite how short it is (less than 1k), I did so much research. Miguel Prado was hands-down my favorite character who ever appeared on Dexter and so I wanted to write a fic for him, but I wanted it to sound as true to his character voice as possible. I don’t even really remember the extent of the research that I did and it’s been so long that I couldn’t tell you anymore whether or not the character voice is accurate, but I remember how much I wanted to get this right and how much work I put into trying to get Miguel to feel genuine.

Travelers Without Map or Compass for Doctor Who fandom - cute romantic fluff, but I’m very fond of it. It captures a sort of vibe in the Doctor & Rose relationship that was very appealing to me, and I enjoyed exploring and expanding my thoughts on some of the rooms in the TARDIS.

Another Nameless Planet in the Star Wars (Prequel) fandom — I wrote longer fics in Star Wars fandom but honestly I think I captured Anakin best in this small fic that’s not really about anything in particular except Anakin wanting to be treated as an equal (by Obi-Wan specifically).

I have fics that I wrote before this point, but most of them I genuinely don’t remember writing to the point of going, “huh, oh, wow, I guess that was me, huh?” lol. But going back over my fics… man, it really is like having the deepest yearnings of your heart spread out in front of the world sometimes, isn’t it?

Thanks for sending me on this journey to the past! I hope you enjoyed it. <3

[skeletoninthemelonland]

hi there!! i've been a silent admirer of your beautiful art for a long time ( through dif platforms ), and when i finally gathered myself and entered Tumblr you had already left...so i was a bit worried that u wouldn't come back here. So, very-very happy to see you there again! ><

Srry if I'm wrong, but from other posts I saw that you're expecting a lot of stress due to start (?) of your college...and i just wanted to soothe you a lil bit. It really can be a difficult and even scary period of life for everyone, even if they all seems doing alright with the fact of these changes - remember that if you suddenly would feel like a failure for not getting the hold of this new stuff immediately. No you're not, never. Being scared, worried, stressed out from college is totally fine. You will get used to all the new things around you as the time passes, just give yourself that time, give yourself the needed care and attention. And, for everything, please, don't freak out from the deadlines. One anon from previous posts has said the amazing thing that greatly calms me down too (thanks bro!): it's okay if you're messing up, if you're messing up twice or more too, mistakes are what we're learning from, we're all gonna do them and this is good actually. And everyone has their own pace of digesting the new info - just give yourself some gentle care and don't stress yourself out even more by overthinking about how "awful" you are from doing a lot of work in the last minute. You'll learn. You ARE learning. Even the tiniest progress is way better than perfect nothing. I'm saying this as a third year student who's staying to almost 5AM today and this week are my exams 🗿 also don't forget to live your life too beyond all the study. You've got this, I believe in you, pal ;)

( srry for such a long text and maybe some mistakes too, eng isn't my native and it's really really bad late now so hope im at least understandable ahaha. I just wanted to comfort you a little for I sure know how this college stress feels. Hope you're having a good day/night, friend )

i really appreciate that you took time to write me this, and i thank you very much for your support. i get anxious very quickly at the smallest sign of stress, so much other classmates don't seem as bothered by these things as i am. so, with that being said, messages like this REALLY help me calm down, and reading about different experiences does bring some amount of comfort. thank you very much, and good luck with college, hope things go alright for you!

[tanuki-voice]

Okay, uh, update. I didn't mean to drop off the face of the earth, but I've just been going through a lot lately.

To make a long story short: I told y'all a while ago I transitioned, and for the most part it's been great! I'm a little over 8 months in, seeing good progress.

However, it's been a really draining process. Both emotionally and financially. I have to pay for all the blood work out of pocket because the one place I could get hormones didn't take my insurance, as well as all the fees for consultation and the meds themselves. Recently I finally got around to changing my name legally, that was also really expensive. I haven't had a job because I've mostly been in school (I'm working on my bachelor's), so it's just been a bit of a juggling act.

On top of that, I've been dealing with the fact that most of my family, and some of my friends, don't really accept me, they made it clear after I came out that they don't like me being trans. That's been a big emotional rollercoaster, and dear gods am I tired of someone telling me that they "love me and only want the best for me" then proceed to invalidate my existence in the same breath. That combined with the fact that my family has the money for my tuition and rent and stuff makes this a really difficult balancing act.

I've been really busy, partially working on classes, but mostly trying to deal with this whole conundrum I've put myself into in the process of trying to work towards my best self. I just wasn't in the greatest headspace to run the blog. (I got so stressed I lost like 20 pounds.) I still don't really think I am. It'll probably be a bit before I can find that happy medium again and get back to writing. For now, I really appreciate your folks' patience.

[harri-etvane]

Love the fanfic asks, so 🧩, 🪲, 🏜️, ❄️, 🔪, 🍬, 🍄, 🥤, 🛼 and 🕯️

🧩 ⇢ what will make you click away from a fanfiction immediately?

If its a pairing / trope I don't like or if the fic is just a huge wall o' text it puts me off.

🪲 ⇢ add 50 words to your current wip and share the paragraph here.

(this won't see the light of day cos it's so self indulgent lmao but here)

"Come here."

Volodymyr turns to Maksym, fiddling with the cuffs of his shirt.

"Your tie is crooked," his voice is soft, steady; reaching out without being given permission - adjusting the patterned silk tie gently.

"Feels... strange.." Vova's voice is rough, for once not from tiredness - it's nerves.

🏜️ ⇢ what’s your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

I am FERAL for any sort of feedback, genuinely. Even just a comment with emojis and I'll be happy! I adore comments where people pick out particular lines or themes though. I just.. love hearing what people liked tbh, how it made them feel, what it made them think of. (If you've read my stuff anon - I'd adore it if you told me what you enjoyed!)

❄️ ⇢ what’s your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

Oooo. Now that's a question. Dream plot at the moment is just something lovely and soft and gentle with Vova & Olena in the Carpathains. Preferably because that's what's happening IRL.

🔪 ⇢ what’s the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I've amassed a Pinterest board full of self-defence / Thai boxing diagrams lately.

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

Can't think of one off the top of my head atm!

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

I have a silly little head canon that probably at some point, Maks has carried Vova to bed when he's been terribly stubborn and / or fallen asleep at his desk.

🥤 ⇢ recommend an author or fanfic you love

I LOVE @is-this-working Compromised - currently in progress; an amazing 100k words of Maks/Vova goodness. Tackles lots of difficult things with grace, fantastic characterisation of everyone, all round amazing.

🛼 ⇢ describe your latest wip with five emojis

I've done my two main WIPs at the moment and I've nothing else really on the go as I've been feeling really uninspired lately; but have a couple of emojis for the next bit of Lost in the Light!

🟡🤟🏼👕☺️🌻

🕯️ ⇢ on a scale from 1 to 10, how much do you enjoy editing? why is that?��

Probably a 4? I don't like editing because it means I have to reread my work in a focused enough way that I'll probably end up hating it. There's been a lot of things that I've binned off because editing has made me second guess everything

[uroboros-if]

Update Post - Week 24, April 1, 2023

Not an April's fool joke! :)

Sorry I didn't update last time. Again, I only want to report back if I have something significant to say!

As I told you guys, I had 37 passages to complete as of my previous post. It seemed daunting to me that it could possibly mean weeks more worth of writing--I don't want to keep people waiting.

At the beginning, I'd mainly been writing whenever I felt like it -- and I felt like it a lot! I loved writing, so even if my schedule was inconsistent, it seemed to make up for it.

I still do love it, actually. It's only lately that the stress of work and relationships has caught up to me, and I'm finding it hard to be motivated to do pretty much anything, including writing.

I didn't want this to affect what I'm passionate about, however. So, a few days ago, I made a vow -- I'll write three passages minimum everyday.

Yesterday was difficult for me, but I've managed to write three passages everyday thus far, which I'm happy about. If I follow through on my promise today, then there'll be approximately 23 more passages left to finish. That means about 8-9 days of writing with my goal to "finish" the demo.

It'll undergo heavy edits and many additions before it's released. Doing it this way--that is, disciplining myself to sit down and write--makes the quality suffer slightly, but it's more important to get the words down and focus on editing when it's all there. That'll allow me to consider not just grammatical and line editing, but also plot development (pacing, conflict, etc).

If you notice that I'm speaking more numerically and tangibly as far as my progress these past few posts--that's because I'm aware simply saying, "I'm getting progress done, and it's close" every update post makes it difficult to envision anything getting done. I personally like to track hard numbers for myself, and it would be cool if you guys could also see progress being made, rather than simply taking my word for it! I know no one is owed it, but it's my wish to be transparent.

Thank you all for being patient again. I promise I don't do this at the expense of my health; even if it's sometimes difficult to get into it, ultimately, it makes me proud and happy to have written it. I am everyday thinking about it. ❤️

[galvanizedfriend]

23, 21 and 3!

23. Share the final version of a sentence or paragraph you struggled with. What about it was challenging? Are you happy with how it turned out?

Another really difficult one. I don't know, I struggle with so much. Everything I write takes forever to be edited because I tinker with everything. I guess recently I had a hard time with Elijah's first appearance in Pendulum. This is an example of (MANY) paragraphs that were re-written to exhaustion:

Klaus never felt threatened, that fight-or-flight instinct that grasped him so often, for so many reasons, never kicked in. Despite the infinite darkness in his eyes, there was something warm about the man. Elijah had the air of a care-taker, a protector, though one shrouded in mystery. He and Klaus would grow to be good friends, the closest thing to family Klaus had ever truly had, at least since abandoning whatever sentimental attachments he once held for his parents. But even then, Elijah would never cease to be a conundrum. He was always one step ahead, this endless well of wisdom who could somehow see the whole of existence in ways Klaus could never wrap his mind around, no matter how many lifetimes he lived. He would always be grounded in the here and now, while Elijah was… Everything, everywhere, all the time.

Whether or not the effort was worth it is debatable, I guess. 😂

21. Share your favorite piece of dialogue

I've already replied to this one, so I tried to think of a different scene. This might sound strange, but I really like the chapter in TW3 where Cami leaves (3x18, I think). It's a big shift compared to what happened on the show and I enjoyed writing it so much. Every scene Cami has with one of the characters has become a personal favorite of mine (Elijah, Klaus and Caroline), as well as some of the other ones (like Klaus and Caroline towards the end, where Caroline reflects on their relationship in light of Cami's departure). I feel like so much about that chapter was just pondering over where the story started and where they are now.

But Klaus and Cami's scene is definitely my favorite. I know, ironic lol But writing this story made me realize there was a world where I could've enjoyed Klaus and Cami, even romantically (at some point) if they'd been done right, rather than shoved together through awful writing and nonsensical events for the sake of pushing something that was so obviously not happening on screen (the chemistry!). They could've been cute together! And in a friendly situation, they really were. Klaus here does way more for Cami than he ever did on the show, and I loved writing the point where the two of them are finally like 'I think I'll miss you'.

Besides, if there's one thing I love writing is Klaus and Caroline's relationship through other characters' eyes lol It's my favorite thing. And this had Cami using the powers of her psychobabble (so annoying on the show) for good! Her analysis of Klaus here is spot on.

So anyway, under read more.

3. What’s something you learned about yourself as a writer?

That I can't shut up for the love of me. I don't know how to write short stories. I don't know how to keep a concise chapter. Somewhere along the way, I lost my capacity for 2k words chapters or fics and I don't know where it went. That's actually something that I have tried very hard to fix, but even when I manage to make progress, two months later I'm back in my bullshit. I personally love shorter stories, stories that manage to pack loads of information, and characterization and even world building into incredibly short and well-crafted sentences, and I can't even give you a short reply to this ask. I'm just a malfunctioning fic writer, man.

Thanks for your ask! ☺️

Klaus doesn't know what to say. An apology at this stage would serve her nothing. It's too late to regret anything, for both of them. And offering solace or moral support is not exactly his style. Which begs the question, "Why are you telling me all this?"

"Honestly? I don't even know. The idea had been swirling around in my head, but it wasn't fully formed until I put it out there. I had to tell someone so it would feel real. And it's easier to confess to you than... Well." She shrugs apologetically, takes another sip off her drink. "Remember when we first met? You were so damaged... Manipulative. Angry. People were just things that you used to get what you wanted."

"Such harsh appraisal," he scoffs. "Though, I admit, accurate. What makes you think I've changed?"

"I don't. But for a really long time, I thought you were just an asshole with too much power."

"Shower me with more impeccable compliments, why don't you? Whatever makes you happy."

Cami grins and plows on. "I don't think you've changed, necessarily, but... I came to realize that there was more to you than that."

"And what changed your mind?"

"Caroline," she replies without missing a beat. Klaus laughs. "I understood a lot about you when I met her. More importantly, I realized that if you could love her the way you do, it meant there was some humanity in you, after all. Even if it's your own twisted brand, it's there. Whatever you were to everyone else, you weren't to her, or to your daughter. You're good to them, Klaus. You go out of your way to protect them, make them happy. I've seen you show kindness, mercy, consideration - even to me. All because of her. Caroline makes you a better person. If nothing else, then out of some selfish desire to stay in her good graces. Maybe it's just transitory. By your standards, this is all very new. It could just run its course, and in ten years' time, you'll be back to being a heartless jerk."

“Your faith is touching."

"But I don't think that's what it is. I think she has inspired real goodness in you. The selfless kind. And I think it will stick because it makes you happy, too. At the end of the day, that's what we all aspire to. Even evil overlords. I realize you have demons that you might never be able to tame, but... You should always just do the best you can."

Klaus' lips curve into an honest smile. "Is that your professional assessment?"

"Hell, no. None of this comes from science. I'm just being mellow and nostalgic."

"Well... Barbed remarks aside... I would be genuinely flattered, if it didn't sound an awful lot like a goodbye."

“After everything... Being your therapist, your stenographer, even your roommate for a little while... It just felt right to say something before I leave. It feels like…” She stops, considering. “Closure. You were my door into this world, after all.”

"Whatever questionable intentions I may have had at the beginning, I really did enjoy our conversations, Camille. I will miss them. I do hope, wherever you land, you find more poor sods with impossible complexes to help you pass the time."

She laughs, refilling their glasses and clinking them together. "I don't think there's anyone out there who will ever come close to a Mikaelson, but I'll toast to that."

[asherisawkward]

Hey there. It's kinda random to share this info with you, and I don't know who else to really go to, but I decided that I want to quit writing (I realized that while taking a break). The activity doesn't really make me happy anymore, I'm not progressing, I don't really have any friends (and I can't see myself making any), and a story I worked really hard on bombed big time (all my stories recently have). I've been told by my one friend (I have a total of 2) that "oh people do care look how many likes and reblogs you get" (which really aren't many) and I went along with that thought for really long time now until I slowly realized that a majority of the people who like and reblog my content are from the tags itself and aren't following me (my main followers on my blog could care less as they don't even follow me for writing reasons and probably wish I would stop ruining their timeline with my shit). Maybe this is an ungrateful way to think, but if those people truly cared about me or my content or to see my work and watch me progress as a writer they would follow my blog, but they don't and we're not friends or mutuals, so they don't. After losing two of the most popular writers on Tumblr as friends I'm slowly realizing how much pain and sorrow the activity has truly brought me. All the crying I've done because of it. I kinda hate and resent it and wish I never did it in the first place. I would have those friends back if I didn't. Trust me, any popular writer in my position would do the same thing if the roles were reserved.

I’m sorry that things have been so rough for you lately. I’ve understand some of what it feels like to pour your heart and soul into something only for others to not appreciate its value or how much it meant to to you. It can be difficult for readers to understand just how personal creating stories or art or even memes are for the person behind the screen.

The lack of regard for such hard work can be extraordinarily frustrating and demoralizing. Resenting the people around you and your work is a natural result of what you’re experiencing.

I know it can suck to not get the recognition for your creations and posts from your blog, but the fact that people going through the tags like/reblog your posts is a good sign.

Hopefully, things will get better for you soon. I’m rooting for you, and you are always allowed to talk to me if it helps. Taking a break may be good and allow you to sort out through what’s difficult for you or relieve some stress.

Remember to drink water and try to sleep.

I’m rooting for you.

[raunchyandpaunchy]

3,4,12,15 for the ask thing!

3. What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

This is a difficult one, because I have a few works I'm proud of for different reasons! That said, there are a couple of works that I wrote this year that I'm especially happy with. Parallax Error, which was the horror one-shot I wrote for World of Horror, and Madder, the Yakuza one-shot I wrote for a zine I took part in. Belatedly, I'm realising both of these works are horror pieces (although the latter is probably more in the realms of character study) so that's pretty neat, I guess!

-

4. What work of yours has the most hits?

That would be The Edged Lexicon, which was my very first fanfic ever (I started late). It's why I started writing fic in the first place - I was feeling burnt out on my other creative outlets, burnt out in general, and was in the midst of another obsessive Skyrim playthrough. At some point between Brynjolf telling me for the nth time that he had no time for me, and Astrid kidnapping me in my sleep to look down at me from a wardrobe and tell me to go do a murder for her, I was like "WOW, I think there should be a guild in Skyrim where half these people have the kinkiest, nastiest sex". And, because I have never played the Bethany Esda classic with mods (the irony of playing the game vanilla and writing it anything but is not lost on me), I was like "WAIT. Maybe I should try writing that."

Anyway, that was roughly how The Edged Lexicon (and by extension, my OC Nadine) came to be. Almost four and a half years later, the fic remains unfinished - which I am bummed about, quite honestly, but life comes at you fast and long story short, how I wrote (and set about to write TEL) then is vastly different to how I do and would write it now, to the point that if I were to finish it, I'd essentially rewrite pretty much the entire thing.

-

12. How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

[takes a deep breath, opens Trello]

Okay, less than I thought, but still not an insignificant number. At current count, I have four one-shots that are in progress, as well as three multichapter works (one of which is Desideratum). That said, I do have several WIPs which I've completely retired, and a few more that I've indefinitely benched. Trying to not overcommit next year, but we'll see how that goes, lol.

-

15. What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

This is a nice continuation on the last question! So, like I previously mentioned, Desideratum (my other Skyrim longfic) is there, but there's also the 36 Sermons-based thing I've been working on (it's multichapter, but it's more a series of kink-centric pieces that stand alone than anything plot-based), as well as a World of Horror longfic that I've started that defies most of my previous work by having no porn and some semblance of plot. (That said, I'm holding off on posting this one until it's finished, or somewhere near to being finished.)

There's also, unsurprisingly, quite a few Yakuza one-shots there. (And, maybe more surprisingly, a one-shot for Papers, Please!)

-

Thanks for the ask (and for bein so patient) - you picked some good ones!

[fatiguing-thoughts]

(Paul Anon) I'm doing good, dear! Volunteering at the local library until they get a spot open so I can start working there. It's been really fun. And I get to hang out around books all day. I've been reading a lot and contemplating rereading the series just to see how it is, since I've not read it since high school and I pass it every day lmao I've been keeping track of my reading on Goodreads and it's nice to see the progress in my Read Library grow....even if my TBR Library continues to grow at an ever faster pace lmao my bookworm habits have resurfaced and it's been really nice!

Anything interesting going on now? How's work been?

I love to hear that! It warms my heart to see you enjoying your passion! I miss reading and writing!

Interesting, not so much. I feel like most of life lately has been me trying to figure everything out and whatnot. I have been trying to get back into art, but it's not working out without the motivation, honestly.

Lately, I just have been seeking to find a new passion, ideally I would like to resurface an old one, too. But, it's proving to be more difficult than I would like

Work is okay! I can't complain really, it's a pretty sweet gig. People are nice, so it's good in that sense.

I am so so so happy to hear from you!

[yuramec]

An old fanfiction named:Princess Tutu: The witch of Ametisland.

Lately I've been picking up on my love for the Princess Tutu series. This series is problamante one of my favorites of all life since it marked me forever. Its impact was so strong that it made me do something that many fans do when they want to see more of their favorite show: A fanfic.

Now, you must know that at that time my English was practically null so the first three episodes were only available in Spanish ... and I say "they were" because after a series of very difficult events in my life, I decided to erase them from everywhere. . that's right, there are no records of these old episodes anywhere U_U

However, I still remember the most essential details about this "sequel" so join me in reading this story full of drama, cringe, and cliches that my 16 year old brain once wrote.

And to make this whole experience even more cringy, it will be accompanied by some of my old art.

Warning, it's horrible and long :

A new story, a new adventure:

The story began a few months after the end of the series. Ahiru and Fakir lived in a calm way and without ever kind of problem, however, a huge golden dog (here the cringe begins) arrives with a message for Fakir. This dog is actually General Chien, who was able to shapeshift thanks to the court sorceress of the kingdom of Ametisland, where Mythos is now king.

Chien tells Fakir that Mythos needs Fakir's special abilities to help him with a threat that does not leave the kingdom alone. Fakir accepts but plans to leave without Ahiru, breaking the promise he made to never leave her (What were you thinking, 16-year-old Yura?) But of course our girl was not going to let this happen so it leaked into Fakir's suitcase.

When they arrive at the kingdom, Mythos (that's right, everyone calls him Mythos even though his real name is Sgifried) tells Fakir a bit about the problem his kingdom has. It turns out that there is an ancient threat that returned to the kingdom the day Mythos did too: the fearsome thorn witch.

The thorn witch turned anyone who crossed her into shadow creatures that attacked the other villagers. For this reason, they needed Fakir to return back to Princess Tutu. Obviously Fakir refuses and proposes to try another plan.

Meanwhile, out of nowhere, an old woman appears to Ahiru who gives her a necklace with a beautiful sapphire (you can imagine where all this was going, right?) Who, after a confrontation with a shadow creature, ends up transforming her into Princess Tutu again (With new costume included).

Ahiru, now being Princess tutu, could see inside the creature and did basically the same as in the original series: dance to free the person from its monstrous form. Every time she did so, a black thorn emerged from the affected person's chest and was purified in Tutu's hands. (That's right, I imagined this before Lady bug ahahahah JK)

As the story progresses, Ahiru will save many villagers although not many would be happy with this since the way in which the thorn entered their hearts, it was because generally, these people had selfish thoughts that the thorn witch took advantage of to use them.

Obviously, in this story there would be new characters, allies and villains, some more bad than others.

General Chien:

He was the kind and carefree type who would develop feelings for Ahiru. I never got to write it but I always imagined a scene where he and Fakir talk about Ahiru:

Chien:" I must know Fakir ... do you love Ahiru?"

Fakir: "jdksghfskjgh ??"

Chien: "Because I do ... and unless you hurry, I plan to ask for her hand in marriage."

This man was definitely not shy.

Lullyth: The witch of the court.

She was the classic annoying childish character who is actually ultra powerful but with a lot of self esteem issues. Her grandfather, the ancient court sorcerer, had recently been killed by a shadow creature and now she had to fill that position.

The truth ... this character had potential ... but in hindsight she was very annoying.

Lord Lared:

While Mythos was gone, he was the one taking care of the kingdom. He had made a promise to his father (a knight of the order of the kingdom) to wait for the prince to return as that had been the wish of King Arthur (father of Mythos).

He had had to deal with many problems taking care of the villagers and little by little he lost hope that the prince would return.

The day they were about to officially name him as the new King, Mythos appeared.

Lord Lared does not believe that Mythos has the ability to be King and he spent his time disapproving of all the decisions he made.

(This one is a very special kind of Ugly)

Snowbell:

Daughter of Lord Lared and companion of Rue. She was a cold and pretentious girl. She only fulfilled the role of her lady since she was her duty and not really because she liked Rue (Because RAVEN). She had a special hatred for Ahiru as they were so different.

At a certain point in the story she would be falsely accused of being the thorn witch and Princess tutu would rescue her and eventually they would be friends with her.

I think this character is the most useless of all X'D.

(Still liking her desing tho)

Charme:

A simple maid who would become a good friend of Ahiru. She was clumsy but very kind. Her great resemblance to Edel would make Ahiru very fond of her ... YEET

Villains:

Katten and Fox:

If I'm honest, I think these two were the most interesting since like Ahiru, they were animals transformed into human.

Katten had been a cat abandoned by his owners while Fox ... well a fox who had lost her family to hunters. They have big thorns in their hearts that they refuse to let go as they want revenge on the kingdom for everything they put them through. They helped the thorn witch to spread her thorns throughout the kingdom.

In the end, these two would return to their original ways living happily without the curse of the thorns.

The thorn witch:

She is an ancient being who ... for some reason, decided to start attacking the kingdom of Ametisland when Mythos returned (I don't really remember why) However, she saw herself as a kind of savior since when a thorn entered the heart of a person, he began to dream of his greatest desires.

The plop twist with this character was that she was always present, following and even pretending to be a clumsy servant of the kingdom to get to know her next victims better. That's right, the thorn witch was CHARME! (Dun, dun, DUNNNNNNN).

I never drew Charme as the thorn witch but im glad i never did to be honest.

The finalle:

At the end of the series, she imagined that Ahiru herself would end up with a great thorn inside her heart that would gradually grow without her noticing. At the climax of her story, Ahiru, within her dreams, would see herself in a dream where she and all her loved ones are well. She is dating Chien and everything seems to be in order, however she does not stop feeling that something is wrong because she is missing someone ... someone whom she really loves ... and that's when she remembers Fakir.

Throughout the fanfic, Ahiru and Fakir would realize how they feel for each other, however they would have to go through many situations to finally accept it. By this point Fakir would have already told her that he fell in love with her but Ahiru would still have doubts.

The dream would be the last proof Ahiru needed to finally accept that she felt the same for Fakir.

Using hers hers "Tutu powers" the thorns of her heart would transform into roses purifying herself and all shadow creatures.

Do you remember the old woman? She was supposed to be Charme's good sister but since she was already very old, she had put all of her magic into the sapphire that Ahiru had. (I know, it doesn't make sense, but I had it when I was 16 years old.) Charme would finally give up and go to sorcerer heaven (?) along with her sister, but not before granting Ahiru a wish and this ended up being granting her a permanent human form as an apology for everything she did to her. Charme also tried to grant this wish to Katten and Fox but they really were happy being animals.

Without the thorn witch, the kingdom would once again be a peaceful place for all.

Mythos and Rue are crowned king and queen, Lord Lared and Snowbell are no longer grumpy, Lullyth is more confident and Chien ... remains the same. As for Fakir and Ahiru, she ultimately corresponds to his feelings and together they would return to their world but not before kissing while everyone else secretly watched them.

In summary:

Clearly it is too cliché and actually somewhat silly, however I think it is a good exercise in .... storytelling? for myself at the same time that in some way, I feel that I can close with this stage of my life since I never finished this fanfic. take this as a super summarized fanfic ahahaha.

What's next?

Well now that I am in a mood for Princess Tutu, I would like to visit this fanfic again, of course with many changes both in the designof some characters as well as in various elements of the story.

I do not plan to write this new Fanfic, not at all since I do not have time, but I would bring you something in this same format (tumblr format if you will).

So without going any further, I have decided to rename this fanfic as:

Princess Tutu and the Thorn Witch

as it makes more sense like that.

I hope you enjoyed or had fun with this ridiculous story. I have more old drawings from this fanfic so ... let me know if you'd like to see them and laugh even more at how ugly they are.

Thank you very much and see you!

[kpopfanfictrash]

Shanna! I have so many things to tell you, I will make a list:

1. L2H chapter 7 is amazing. The way you write Jungkook is so nuanced. Also, I felt like I was there! And the character progression… it’s amazing. Thank you for posting. I was so excited for this chapter I check your blog multiple times a day. And it exceeded my expectations.

2. I’ve had some rough days the last month or two and your writing has been a little escape for me. I’ve re-read L2H multiple times, went back to re-read the Holi-date, and resurrected some older ones too like Mind in the Gutter. Thank you for giving me a little vacation from life!

3. Your post about jazz club Tae. You are one of the few people who write Taehyung well. He’s so difficult to write! Having another Tae-centered fic would be so exciting. You go where inspiration leads you but if it lead you to Tae that would be cherry on top exciting.

4. L2H has so many mysteries but one I don’t hear about much in the asks you post but I feel like is a secret thing maybe is whatever Jungkook is planning at work. He mentions wanting to do things differently at the fund raiser. Then he has his mysterious phone call at the reader’s apartment, then the dinner at Aleve seemed somehow related don’t know why, then a trip for “business and other things”. Or was he lying about that last one to the reader? I feel like Jungkookie is up to something. But I have no idea what it would be! *adjusts sleuth hat* or am I reading way to much into things?

Love your writing. Love your blog. You are so cool. Thank you for existing!

THIS ASK MADE ME SO HAPPY! THANK YOU SO MUCH, ANON! In order:

This makes me so happy TT I love slow burns and gradual character progression, so I'm very glad you see that in Jungkook

I am sorry the past month has been rough, but so glad my writing could provide some escape. I hope things are going better and that you have the best day/night!

I am so glad you feel I write Taehyung well!! I've actually had a few ideas for him lately (one inspired by that jazz club ig post aslkajskf), but one in PARTICULAR hit me this morning that I'm super psyched about... so hopefully I have time to write soon!!

OOOO YOU BRING UP AN EXCELLENT POINT! Very few people have brought this up. Jungkook was recently promoted and seems to be busy at work... but what's he doing? ANYWAYS. I guess we'll see! LOL

Thank you so much for this ask!! I hope you're doing well and that you are staying happy and healthy. Wishing you all the best, anon!

[worldstogetlostin]

Hi there! I'm so happy I found your blog. I'm always very in my head about my writing and seeing your reassurances has been really helpful for me.

I'd love to know more about what your writing process looks like? Do you etch out time to write in your schedule or just do it when the mood hits? How much planning do you have finished before you start writing?

I hope you have a terrific day and accomplish everything you dream of 💞💞

Hi!! Oh my goodness this is such a nice message thank you so much! I'm so glad something I've posted has helped you, that means the world to me <3

I'm gonna get real with you here because I feel like it's important for people to know they're not the only writer who struggles to get things done. It's something I need to remind myself of more often. (this got a little long haha, but I hope it still answers your questions sufficiently)

So in an ideal world, I have a strict schedule that I follow and I schedule in writing throughout the day (this may sound really strange to some, but I have autism and I believe some ADHD, so alarms and a strict schedule is so beneficial to me). But to be honest, I'm still trying to figure out the perfect schedule, so I'll have days like today where I've woken up late, didn't get a great night's sleep, and don't have any structure to my day. There is a huge possibility I won't be able to write today because that's just how my brain works. And that's okay! I'll just have to give myself more time tomorrow.

The same thing goes when planning. I like lots of different pages for lots of different things: the characters have a page each, the cities, the gods, the plot points. But sometimes that isn't possible because I'm a perfectionist, and so it creates a mental block in my mind that tells me I can't start writing until I've finished them all - and there's always something new to plot! So more often than not I just have to jump into the writing process and trust myself enough to know that when needed, I will make note of the important things.

So yeah, my schedule is a work in progress and I often have to fight my brain while planning, but I still manage to write things that make me happy, and I still get to interact with awesome people like you in the process!

There isn't a one-size-fits-all to writing, and often times the process is difficult and you can feel as though you're always doing things wrong. It's never going to feel perfect, I don't think. But the fact that people keep writing, and creating things in general, is so awesome.

Have a great day, and thank you so much for your kind words <3

[taeggukstime]

PT.3 ++ different but saying that tae would marry a woman just because he wants to have kids seems very illogical. I am not saying things won't be difficult for him but it is also not impossible. I know SK still has a long way to go just like many other asian countries including my own but there has been some progress and one should not disregard that. I have a korean lesbian friend and I have such discussions with her often so i am writing this keeping in mind some discussions i had with her,++

I'm so sorry!! For some reason the rest of your message never arrived in my inbox 😭 It worked with another anon that divided their ask but no idea what happened here :( I'll try to answer your point with the little context that made it through. I'm guessing you tackled different things...so if you wish to try again I'll skip to your ask (mentioning you're the one that had technical difficulties). 

Hi! Well, I see you're one of the many that got frustrated with one of my fears, I repeat: fears. I never said it would be impossible for Tae to hold onto his hope of being a father while having plans of staying in a long-term lgbtq relationship. In fact, I've been hearing Tae talk about this topic for YEARS and I still strongly believed that he was in a stable relationship with Jk. His dream of being a father wasn't a deal-breaker in my eyes, and it still isn't. I always thought that he was being positive and trusted that things were getting better little by little, that they'd be able to adopt or apply for surrogacy in the future and raise a happy child in Korea. I thought that if they deemed their environment to be too hostile and unwelcoming for their desired children by the time they were ready to have them they'd become activists that fought for equality, maybe even accept the idea of not having children. I don't mention the option of moving to another country because I don't think they'd resort to it. In theory they could move to another country where adoption/surrogacy is available, where they'd both be considered legal parents with full protection and where their highly scrutinised, non-traditional family wouldn't be so stigmatised, but I highly doubt Tae would ever leave his family behind as long as his parents live. He's so loyal to them and has promised to live his life with the notion that family is the only thing that's left in the end. He already feels bad about having been away from them for so long (same as other members) and takes every opportunity to stay in his parents' house. I think Jk wouldn't be too happy with the idea of moving either…

Anyways, as said, I don't think Tae's dreams of having children cancel out the possibility of TK being in a romantic relationship and planning to stay together. My conclusions of them having an unstable & unlabeled past were reached taking other things into account that had nothing to do with this topic. I only brought up this topic AFTER reaching certain conclusions (which, again, could be wrong). It was the other way around, this topic came to mind as only one of the possible reasons/factors that would explain the way in which I THINK things evolved between them. I'm sorry if it's offensive for many, but I think it's a big life decision that dramatically changes the way he used to envision his future (he really liked to mention his picture perfect future alongside his wife & 5 kids). It's completely possible he adjusted and substituted the wife in his visions with a husband/partner, I'm just saying it'd be understandable if it influenced his decisions and made him reticent to pursue a serious relationship with Jk in the past since it's a difficult and scary path. For example, if he didn't want children he could stay in the closet forever, or keep his relationship quite secretive, but not with kids in the equation. I personally think he wasn't ready to embrace this idea in, let's say, 2016. Plus, I believe he didn't even admit to himself that he was in love with Jk due to: Jk's late 2016 song recs about heartbreak with the 123 timestamp + Tae's statement of not being able to love others until he learned how to love himself (2018) + how they said Tae was learning how to embrace his feelings (2019) + Tae being so attached to CMBYN and it's speech that teaches one should accept the pain that comes along with loving others instead of shielding one's heart & not feeling anything at all (2019) + Tae writing "Sweet Night" that speaks about belatedly realising one had fallen in love after the opportunity had been missed (Dec of 2019) + Soop's reconnecting chat (2020 & probs planned to some extent to give an official explanation to Army's existing concerns regarding their interactions at that time), etc. You can totally block feelings that scare you and put your plans at risk, even subconsciously. The dream of having children goes beyond simply having children, it was about achieving this happy, fulfilled life. He wanted to be admired by his kids, to be a role model and guide them. Give them the happiest life he could. Do you see where I'm going at? 

It's true that Tae being so insistent with the topic gave me added fears since I believe TK's past hasn't been the smoothest and I'm still wondering if they finally took the step and started formally dating somewhere after mid 2020 (according to my beliefs, of course), but yes, I agree that Tae could potentially have children with a man and raise them together - the man being Jk or someone else. Maybe that's what he has in mind 🤷🏻‍♀️ Maybe nowadays he has the confidence to imagine himself raising his kids in a non-traditional household in Korea and being able to give them a good life and protect them from prejudice. After all, lgbtq Koreans can apply for international surrogacy without having to move countries, just do some paperwork, wait a couple years and pay approximately 200.000 $ per child, which they have.

~ Answered on January 21, 2022 ~

[skaylanphear]

how do you stay engaged with ML considering how shallow/one-dimmensional the characters are? like i've sort of come to accept that ML is never going to be a deep show and that's fine but i think it makes engaging with fandom frustrating bc i feel like there's not enough to latch onto. just wanted to know what your thoughts were on this.

I mean… that’s kind of the whole reason it’s so easy for me to stick around? I’m more put off by the fandom attitude than the show itself. From a critical standpoint, yeah, ML is pretty static, the characters are slow to develop despite being enjoyable to watch, and the plot moves at a snail’s pace. So for someone wholly invested in canon, I can see why it might get frustrating given the modern expectations of cartoons as of late. 

But, well, for me, it’s the exact opposite. I mean, I don’t mind when new elements are introduced into the canon, but generally, the fact that the show retains a status quo while still providing new episodes means that everything I’ve written and am still writing remains generally relevant, while the show retains the audience that then comes to view my work because new canon content means people stick around in the fandom. 

Like, as a critic, my views may be different, but as a creator, the way the show is being released works out pretty well. 

Besides, I never enjoyed ML because I was hoping for something more than what it promised to be. And while some people might not like ML’s structure, it’s sticking pretty well to the format it promised from the beginning. It’s an episodic, slice of life superhero drama. Like… that’s why I watch it, so even though it’s silly and moves slowly, I enjoy it. I watch ML because I think it’s cute and because I enjoy the character interactions. I was never expecting some kind of epic, adventure plot with deep characters and sweeping arcs. That’s like going into a slow-burn, coffee shop AU fic and then getting mad when it doesn’t deliver the epic fantasy arc it never promised to deliver. 

Maybe ML will develop into something more epic, but as it is, I’m content with what they’re putting out. Development does happen, albeit slowly, and I’m down for that. I enjoy each episode of ML for what it is, not because I’ve been swayed into believing that the serialized, fast-paced, epic cartoons such as Voltron or She-ra or whatever are superior. Watching ML reminds me of my days as a kid when I’d watch a new episode a week or every other day. Each episode of a cartoon was self-contained and for seasons you might play back and forth with one single idea. 

ML is released in this fashion all over the world, which is why it takes on this structure that binge-watching Netflix addicts consider bad. It’s like watching Sailor Moon and getting angry when half the season is silly monster of the day stuff, or being frustrated that each episode of Digimon is dedicated to one single character maybe overcoming a fraction of the emotional hurdles they’re set out to deal with for the next fifty episodes (with a cast of, like, eight characters, this takes a LONG TIME). Yeah, ML does have a slower pace–somewhat slower that some of my examples even–but I don’t find it to be unpleasant. I can watch a single episode when it’s released and be happy with it, because I’m not binge-watching it to the end. 

There’s a reason I don’t watch all of ML on Netflix even though it’s available. The show isn’t designed to be binge-watched. It isn’t designed to be the epic drama that everyone seems to want it to be. It isn’t designed to be viewed in the same attitude as things like Voltron. This is purposeful. 

Yes, I do think that if they’d changed the structure a bit, ML could have been a successful hybrid of both types of designs–like Avatar–and it would have been amazing. But I don’t necessarily begrudge the structure that the creators chose instead. 

ML isn’t an epic. It’s a show you watch on Saturday morning, laugh about, and then move on with your day, reflecting on the fun things that happened for a little while, before they fade enough that what little development happens in the next episode is still enjoyable. 

Maybe it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but the formula they’re using isn’t new or even frowned upon by the industry, despite what “tumblr” would lead you to believe. It’s structured like My Little Pony–you have slice of life, where you see tidbits of character development, and then something big happens at the finale before you go back to slice of life. 

It is a well-used formula and is enjoyed by a lot of people. And if you want something deeper, or more epic, you go to fandom creators, or in my case, create it yourself. Just because I wrote a fic that took ML and made it into an epic doesn’t mean I want that to happen in the canon. 

I enjoy the canon the way it is. It’s simple, it’s fun, I don’t have to think too much about it. The designs are refreshing and fun to look at. The character interactions are generally stellar. Yeah, it has it’s faults and weak moments (like Frozer), but I don’t consider that to be any huge deal. 

You may view it as shallow or one-dimensional, but I just consider it unfinished. And I think the characters have more depth than we give them credit for. It’s just that the structure makes it more difficult to pinpoint. Unlike in serialized shows, we don’t get these glaring moments of realization when a character learns something or progresses. We get small moments. Moments that I hope, in the end, will show all the development we didn’t see happening along the way. 

But in a show that is structured like ML, it’s hard to see that end until it’s there. And until we get to that point (or we don’t, if the show does turn out to be a total bust), I’m content to enjoy it for what it is. 

I enjoy the show, and I create the things I want to explore. Not because I wish the show would explore them (most of the time I hope the show doesn’t), but because its slow pace gives me the time to expand my own ideas. Which is almost all the fun in the first place, at least for me. 

[stillsolo]

for the first in a while, I'm gonna ... try to take it easy, today.  

I actually have a lot to do but I really need to chill the fuck out for a second and take a breather.  my OCD's made my life remarkably difficult lately and I've begun to disassociate in order to cope.  I know disassociation plays a key role in obsessive-compulsive disorders; I know my OCD's fairly severe and it's been getting worse as I get older, but I'm not...usually this bad.  Even when under stress.

for example, a batch of 200 commissioned banner icons suddenly turns into 400+, and I'm still not done because I can't stop keep remaking them.  

oh, this one's coloring is off. but these frames are split second to each other ... can't have that, gotta redo 'em. 

 wait, the pixels are...'weird' looking in the corner, here.  rejected.

this one could've been cropped way better.  how could I expect them to use this?

why is this one in the 'final version' folder when the border around it overlapped a part of the icon?

I need to redo these 73 because the shadow is too dark and blocky beneath the icon.  it’s supposed to be a fade.  it’s what they ordered and you’re not giving them what they asked for. 

someone's paying you for this shit get it TOGETHER

yesterday, my OCD got triggered about 3 times?  I have a couple of forms.  I had a breakdown in front of my mother after she came home and asked me if I ate and I know I must've made some kinda stupid face that gave it away because seconds after she'd asked, I realized I didn't know what the hell ate other than the toast she'd watched me eat before she left for work at 9am.  It was 11pm when she asked.  

I also had mini-breakdown while talking to my customer and it was terribly embarrassing.  I got a nosebleed to top it all off too lmao  ( i'm so sorry if you're reading this, john omfg you've been the best to me and I'm sorry because I'm sure all you'd wanted was icons to rp sdfkjsd )

but I just. 

All of my friends think OCD is just me having high ass standards or just being 'know-it-all'.  I've been called that all my life.  In fact, I've been called that by friends I thought would never say anything like that about me because I thought we were friends

We live in this new age of 'awkward is cute'.   It's hip to be square, cool to be uncool, and sexy to be nerdy and quirky.  and there isn’t any better way to declare your individuality and weirdness than branding yourself 'so OCD' about something.  

Ahaha.

I fucking loathe people who do this.

OCD isn't a quirk or a set of tendencies.  It's not fucking buzzf.eed list, not a little buzzf.eed quiz you can take and readily relate to the results; it's an incapacitating, isolating disease that makes you afraid of your own mind.

If my friends could see, just once, what it's like for me, when I'm caught in an obsessive-compulsive loop, maybe then they'd finally understand me when I say ''''it's bad''''.

Even Something as simple as drawing a line-art from a sketch turns into a complete and total nightmare.  8/10 times, I'll redraw the line-art like — hm, I don' dunno — about 7 fuckin' times in a row, then, delete all of it because IDK, it wasn't 'right'?  ( Who am i kidding; I do the same with sketches ヽ(・ω・)ﾉ  )

Oh, yeah, for sure.  Me and my ‘high fucking standards' did this.

NO.  No one in their right mind would do this.  They wouldn’t re-draw the same fucking drawing 7 times in a row and the same layer style over and over, not even changing things up to maybe get some progress.      Nobody.  Jfc.

And oh, god, that moment when you realize, it's been more than 8/9 hrs since you began and you haven't eaten or drank anything; you don't remember the last time you looked at your phone or what the hell happened to the time because last time you looked, it was 11am and now it’s 9:48pm.

Moreover, you made exactly zero progress on your project — because IDK — there’s no valid reason?  JUST COULDN'T STOP HA

I never thought I would talk about this, but uh, Y'all know how much I love han.  I want Han to be seen in the best light possible.  while SW has been one of the few things that have held a light in my life, he's helped me become a better person in more ways than I can articulate.  and no, I don't mean I suddenly started picking trash up off the highways.

I mean, by writing him in this amazing place filled with people I don’t have IRL who share my interests, I’ve met so many new people, friends, learned so many lessons, about characters and life and writing.  

When I began writing Han, here, I had just learned what present and past tense was in English.  I was winging my writing, trying really hard to understand.  English isn't my first language.  In Cantonese, my native language, there's no such thing as a past tense.  

By writing Han with you guys, I've taken huge steps in life, without even realizing it. 

So, everything I do for han, I want for it to be good.  

Not outstanding, and definitely not exemplary or nonpareil — just ... good. 

And icons — haha.  I love icons.  I love and hate making them.  similar to my writing, I work very hard on his icons.  ... but I need to learn where to draw the line.  

I once remade an icon 23 times before I was happy with it.  ( i had 23 versions left in my folder lmao ).  like these here?  10 versions of each, in the least. 

( the last one is kinda an exception... I think.  I made that one well over 25 times, for sure.  but I think it's because I'm not accustomed to Blaine's coloring yet. ) 

Wow, this really turned into a long post.  I don't really care, though.  My OCD is something that has always been completely ignored IRL.  Shit, it's ignored by even my online friends.  I can't even game online without one of them thinking I must get off on establishing my superiority and overall knowledge of '???’ game.  Haha.

'Show me your build?' :D 'Er...nah. I think I'll pass.' 'Why?  What's the matter?' 'You'll pick it apart.'

It's never considered 'advice' when it's from me.  It's me as a know-it-all, as someone who looks down on others for not having up-to-par stats. 

I'm sorry I did the math for you so you wouldn't have to.  This is simply advice you're free to toss aside, but it's not like it matters.  Even if I reassured that—you're already too annoyed to listen for any longer.

So, I’ll also apologize for how I can recall faction modifiers, body part modifiers, critical hit and stealth modifiers, as well as debuffs; how a certain amount of damage of one type turns into inflicted damage to a target while considering type modifiers and armor, and knowing the damage formulas needed to calculate the number of hit points required to kill an armored or unarmored target, with or without a finisher multiplier figured in — because I want you to do the very best with your weapon of choice, even though I can name 5 different weapons that utterly outclass it by tenfold. 

In reality, I never had much of choice.  Information like that doesn't stop looping in my mind, even at night, when all I want is to sleep.

Sometimes ... I wish I could be that one character on a comedy show who has a quirky disorder or ''OCD'' and everyone seems to love him for it because he's funny when he does it or he's generally helpful 

More often than not, my OCD just ruins everything.  I don't feel like I belong anywhere.

I need to take a breather.