#wtf do you mean all the happiness we experienced is just gone

[lusterlilit]

If I were Richard Papen I would revisit the country house every now and then, and just VIOLENTLY SOB

[humongousgothskeletonfarm]

TSC CHAPTER ELEVEN SPOILERS AHEAD

STARTING OFF THE CHAPTER STRONG AS FUCK DISASTER BISEXUAL JEAN MOREAU AWARENESS

picturing jean in a pair of raybans is good for my mental health

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“Missed a couple spots. Need a hand?”

jeremy u flirt

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do the trojans ever realise that jean is NOT IN FACT deaf and standing right in front of them when they are talking about him?

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oh ok so chapter 11 is in fact worse than chapter 10

if anyone reading this has ever believed that they deserved the abuse, trauma/suffering they’ve experienced, i’m here to tell u right now that nobody deserves that and it is not ever ur fault, no matter what others might say or try to convince u. whatever happened to u is unequivocally not ok. please seek help from a professional if u are worried about urself or others in ur life.

if u have ever felt uncomfortable or violated in certain situations just know that no matter how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the situation may seem (i use these terms loosely because i do not believing in ranking peoples traumas), ur feelings are 100% valid and u always always deserve to be respected and heard.

i hope u know that u are not alone and never will be.

sending lots of love to all of u

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wtff jenkins is a girl?? did we all know this or have i just read too many fanfics always thought jenkins was a guy?

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It was sacrilegious even in the privacy of his head, and Jean hunched his shoulders against a blow that never came.

fuck that’s a good line. traumatic as fuck and makes me wanna cry for all these boys have gone through but god as an ex-catholic raised queer person i can tell u this line struck hard even though i cant relate to the specifics of the scene

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Jean didn’t mind cooking, but he didn’t say that. This was the first time his room truly felt safe and right, and he was content to hold onto it for as long as he could. He closed his eyes again, but now his thoughts were snagged on Jeremy. At length he broke the silence to say, “Two beds would fit in here.”

jean moreau u are so loved

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“You are not them,” Jean said. “Kevin would not have sent me here if you were.”

THE PARALLELS IN THIS BOOK ARE FUCKING KILLING ME PLS NORA LET ME LIVE IN PEACE THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE

ANDREIL EXISTS IN EVERYTHING

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Just because he had to meet with this man didn’t mean he had to speak to him.

jean, u diss aaron earlier in the books but really ur just the same as him

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betsy dobson to the mother fuckibg rescue someone get this bitch a ‘worlds best therapist’ mug

and jean, dude do u know how fucking similar u and neil are, seriously like u guys should be besties like-

“It was not my choice,” he sent back in warning. “I do not need counseling.” He didn’t trust her at all, but there was no point spelling it out.

CHAPTER TWELVEE

dude wtf is it with me and napping while tryna finish this book, literally just accidentally fell asleep for 2.5 hrs when i could’ve been reading

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“Imagine getting changed so we can practice,” Jean said.

king is fed uppp

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“It’s not about size, anyway.” ​“Defensive,” Jean said, tugging his glove straps with his teeth. ​Jeremy straightened in indignation. “I don’t have anything to be defensive about.” Jean lost his grip and bit his lip, and Jeremy hurried on before either of them could think too much about that double entendre.

OKKKK JEREMY I SEE U

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“That’s not—I do care. I want you to play with us, and I want you to have fun again. I want to see what you can do on the court and what you bring to our defense line. I want us to finally win this year after coming so close and failing too many times. But it’s just a game, Jean. Your safety and happiness will always be more important than our season.”

GOOD GOD ITS WHAT U DESERVE JEAN

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“Every time you say that you take a year off my life. I’d really like to live to ninety, so please knock it off.”

now the trojans understand how the foxes feel when neil whips out his ‘im fine’ line,, also i’m never gonna stop saying that neil and jean should be besties it’s literally just a fact

“I do not believe you when you are drinking such filth,” Jean said, with a disapproving look toward her drink. Laila stared him down as she sucked a long gulp through the straw,

this book is so devastatingly depressing and explores some of the most horrible traumatic things that could happen to a person but it’s interspersed with some of the funniest scenes that it gives me whiplash

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“Pat and Ananya have wanted to fuck Cody’s brains out for almost a year now. I really thought Cody moving in with them this summer was going to finally get that ball moving, but apparently not. It’s getting kind of pitiful.” ​“Pat and Ananya have been engaged almost as long as Cody has known them,” Laila pointed out as she fit herself against Cat’s side. “You can’t blame Cody for being scared of where they might belong in something like that.”

NORA GIVING US THE POLYAMORY WE DESERVE AFTER CUTTING KANDREIL FROM THE OG BOOKS LETS GO QUEER REP

YK THAT RUNNING JOKE THAT USC IS THE QUEEREST TEAM AND NOBODY HAS AS MANY GAYS AS THEY DO??? IM SO FUCKIBG HAPPY NORA HAS BASICALLY MADE THAT CANNON

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CHAPTER 13333

jeremy is so hopelessly crushing on jean and that’s real of him

meanwhile jean:

Threat assessment, he told himself, and it was almost the truth.

sureee buddy

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They’d arrived holding hands and dressed in matching cream-and-teal outfits. Even their gold-rimmed sunglasses and teal sneakers were identical.

well that is definitely an outfit!

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“Speaking of happy endings, has Laila bought you a sex toy yet?”

EXCUSE ME

this whole scene was so fucking random but jean deserves great friendships

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ANOTHER TRANS TROJAN LETS FYCKING GOOOOOO CONGRATS ON UR TOP SURGERY XAVIER

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‘i’m sure the ravens wouldn’t have taken neil in if they’d known he was the son of a mob boss!!’

uhhhhh…

i don’t know how to tell u this buddy

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dude i just cannot stop think about the whole new world of fanfics we’re gonna get now that tsc has come out like the aftg universe is expanding and becoming more detailed it’s gonna be crazy

chapter 14!!!

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Jean eyed him. “For what purpose?” ​Jeremy looked to the ceiling for patience. “For fun.” ​Jean sighed as if Jeremy was the one being unreasonable.

oh jean we’ll get there eventually

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Jean was a starving dog on a short chain who’d learned years ago not to bite back.

OH MY FUCKING GOD GIVE ME PEACE

MY CHEST IS ACHING AT THIS METAPHOR

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SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP THE PARALLELS ARE DESTROYING ME I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE

“You are Jean Moreau. Your place is here with me, with us. I’m your captain. You’re my partner. We’re supposed to be doing this together, aren’t we? Stop leaving me behind. Look at me.”

-

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he hurt you, I’m sorry that you’re still afraid to talk about it, and I’m sorry that you think I’ll never understand. I’m sorry that he tricked you into thinking you deserved it. But I’m not sorry he’s gone. I can’t be.”

“Neither am I.”

TEAR MY HEART OUT AND STOMP ON IT NORA JESUS CHRIST

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everytime one of the trojans says ‘we’re here to listen whenever your ready to talk and open up to us’ and then they go and demand he tell them every secret he’s ever kept

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kevin and jeans relationship in this book is so fucking well written, it’s tearing me apart and giving me so much life

they have so much shared trauma and the relationship is so complex but they understand eachother so deeply

He is not used to having a voice, and he has never had power. I cannot promise he will ever talk to you.” ​“I will wait as long as it takes,”

“Be careful with it,” Kevin said. “Be careful with him.”

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“Night practices with Andrew and Neil,” Kevin said. ​“Obsessed,” Jeremy

exy fiend kevin day representation

also

“No, Jean is fine. As fine as he can be, anyway. Yes, I know.” (kevin when talking to someone ‘offscreen’) i just know he was talking to neil

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She crossed the room and leaned over, catching Jean’s head in her hands so she could plant a kiss to the top of his head.

this is the love jean deserves

chapter 15:

“Your fourth line has a smart mouth, Coach,” Jean said. “I was hoping he would bite his tongue off in the fall and save us both some grief in the long run.”

jean i love u

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Jean wished he had the common sense to shut up,

he’s so me

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“And keep Kevin’s name out of your ignorant mouth,”

THEYRE SO IMPORTANT TO ME UR HONOUR

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i keep forgetting that jean only learnt english after he moved into evermore and that kevin probably taught him but i love the subtle little reminders every now and then when he has to clarify a word, like when he has to ask what a ‘floozy’ is and:

due to egregious injuries.” ​Jean didn’t recognize that word, but since Lucas was already running his mouth, he didn’t get a chance to ask.

it’s such a good detail that just adds so much more depth to his character

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“Permission to break his face, Coach?” Jean asked. ​“Denied,” White said.

SCREAMING

THIS IS SO NEIL AND WYMACK CODED I LOVE IT

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JEAN MOREAU ON A MOTHERFUCKING MOTORCYCLE HOLY SHIT

catalina alvarez u wonderful human i love u

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jean realising how big the world is and the fact that he’s explored more of california than any other place he’s been before is making me tear up he never should’ve been kept trapped inside he deserves to see the world

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So long as she existed as fractured memories, she was safe and small and sheltered.

oh god don’t do this to me

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Jean gazed out at the endless horizon, feeling small and infinite from one moment to the next.

beautiful, just beautiful, absolutely immaculate

A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads.

A COOL EVENING BREEZE. RAINBOWS. OPEN ROADS

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SECOND LAST CHAPTER!!! LETS GOOO

“He is not going to hit you. Okay? We don’t do that here. You said you’d try to do better and that’s enough for us.”

starting off strong

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You’re one of my kids now.

don’t mind me i’m just sobbing

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no no no no no no no no no

holy shit no what the fucking fuck

don’t do this to jean rn oh my fucking god i’m sick to my stomach on the verge of fully crying right now

actually dreading reading on right now

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um ok yeah so i read it and to anyone who hasn’t finished the book yet beware there is a graphic violent scene followed by an intense panic attack in chapter 16 that’s is very difficult to read

i did cry and all i can say is thank fuck for lisinski’s timing

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Jeremy’s response was low but unhesitating: “I will not look away.” ​“I do not want you to look.” ​It frightened him how much it sounded like a lie,

-

only redeeming part of this chapter is that neil’s back but i’m still in so much shock over what’s just happened that i cant properly appreciate him

chapter 17 the finale:

feeling incredibly somber as i reach the end of the book

please god destroy anyone who has ever hurt jean moreau

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nora’s really filling in all the plot holes left from aftg - why did nobody question why neil’s hair was dyed after evermore ????? why did nobody question neil being at evernote in the first place???

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i’m laughing at neil’s map print-outs he’s so uncool, also i keep forgetting this is still meant to be 2007

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jean-yves moreau oh my fucking god

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“says who?” Stuart asked. “The dead kid?

stuart hatford u are so funny, is this where neil inherited is sarcasm from?

stuart hatford says fuck riko and so do i

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Neil shrugged. “Do you have anyone who can take on local work?”

NEIL JOSTEN U ARE MY HERO I LOVE U U BADASS MOTHER FUCKER

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Neil offered her a disarming smile that would never sit quite right on his face.

devouring these scraps about my boy

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YOOOO WTF NORA RLLY JUST WANTED TO GIVE JEAN THE WORST FUCKING DAY HE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE HUH?? JUST DROPPED THE FACT THAT HIS SISTER IS DEAD MY POOR BOY

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Neil filled in the finer details with an ease that would have been impressive to listen to any other day

- yes neil is incredibly smart, thank u jean for confirming to us

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The only thing left to ask for was something he barely understood: “I want to go home.”

oh the complicated nature of home and one’s sense of belonging that persists throughout these books will never fail to make me feel absolutely everything. nora knows exactly what i want in a book

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“I can see the kitchen. There should be a door out to where the dumpsters are. We can make it back to the garage from there.”

to be loved by neil josten is to be offered a way to evade the fbi together

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“Tedious,” Neil said. “I’m trying to eat.”

my hero

Neil waited until he was done before deciding he wanted to finish his drink. Neither agent was impressed with their absolute lack of urgency,

i love u neil josten pls give me ur autograph

Neil, being the person he was, pointed at the fire hydrant adjacent to its front bumper and said, “That’s illegal, just so you know.” ​“Shut up and get in the car.”

i wish neil josten was real

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He couldn’t fear a government who was so easily infiltrated and manipulated

FUCK THE GOVERNMENT

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Neil flipped his takeout box open and started eating. “I’m allowed to visit people.”

he’s everything to me 🥰

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“You’re one to accuse others of intolerable attitudes,” Browning said, and Neil only shrugged indifference.

and—for once—without any of your usual bullshit.”

- browning u love him just like the rest of us don’t lie rn

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ngl i’m never getting over the fact that jean and neil are the same age like this is crazy to me nora whyd u have to do this i cant cope

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“The more people I hold onto, the less of a threat I am, because I won’t want to endanger them by acting out.”

oh neil look how far uve come, i’m so proud

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“Lock your door tonight if it will help, but Grayson will never bother you again.”

THANK U LORD FOR THE BRILLIANT NEIL JOSTEN HES ANSWERED MY PRAYERS U BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL HUMAN IM SO THANKFUL FOR UR PRESENCE

all my favourite bamf! neil fics have him taking out a hit on someone for the benefit of the people he loves and i’m so glad that’s canon

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i’m going fucjing crazy i didnt think it was possible to love neil anymore than i already do

best friends ❤️

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jean tearing up and throwing away the notebooks and realising he trusts the trojans and the four of them going to eat one of cats new recipes after they waited up last midnight for him

A COOL EVENING BREEZE RAINBOWS OPEN ROADS AND FRIENDS

!!!!!

I CSNT BELIEVE ITS OVERRRRR I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS HOLY FUCK

[horizon-verizon]

I reread the whole dance of dragon sequence from the books and god the show writing makes me so fucking angry [again]!!! like uff in many parts it feels like the show writers wrote the blacks as an accessory for the development of greens throwing blacks so down in the imagine of public. and so i hate when show fans speak [mainly greens] as if all knowing when they cannot discern the hypocrisy and the flaws in writing of the show. show!alicent's moments make me so angry.

recently i saw someone on twitter say that blacks hold the books in higher regards so they went to read them only to get a 'history book' with only accounts from many forming their opinion on how the books are just books and not a good story. the replies were full of how GRRM was so bad at writing them as if they have half the wits if they cant comprehend the text, the accounts of who were the main people telling the story to get to form opinions closer to "truth". its not that hard, simple reading comprehension can tell you what we can take as almost truth. they think HOTD was meant to be the medium to show the truth T_T

with Daemon and Laena, i feel so that he truly did love her. I hate it when they just toss aside Laena. he fought for her hand. they had two children together both who he loved so dearly. even Laena's friendship with Rhaenyra is erased in the show [i feel like they just didnt want to show that Rhaenyra was capable to hold good relationships at all] coming back to Daemon:

Her grueling labor had drained all of Lady Laena’s strength, and grief weakened her still further, making her helpless before the onset of childbed fever. As her condition steadily worsened, despite the best efforts of Driftmark’s young maester, Prince Daemon flew to Dragonstone and brought back Princess Rhaenyra’s own maester, an older and more experienced man renowned for his skills as a healer. Sadly, Maester Gerardys came too late. After three days of delirium, Lady Laena passed from this mortal coil.

even if he lost his boy, Daemon doing this for Laena is just love. I love Laena with Daemon as i love Rhaenyra with him too. Its just plain sad such a good character was put aside in the show. and then after Laena, Baela and Rhaena are given to little regard in the show. [that baela-rhaenys clip which is going about. god they had to show Aegon getting off didnt they]

also with Rhea Royce's death... there is no way Daemon killed her. He was in stepstones when she died. its such a dumb thing in the show to. or okay in the books there is no way he could have gone on dragon to vale and back without anyone noticing a fucking dragon in the skies. people are so dumb.

i dont think Daemon or Rhaenyra or any other killed Laenor, other than Ser Qarl. I dont see how people see Rhaenyra ask for someone to do it.

Like in the books so and they are biased in my opinion, Rhaenyra is not shown to have good relationships much, and which are shown are rumoured with lovers and scandals like wtf. They all mean to undermine blacks so much.

sometimes i think what if Jace and Luke were trueborn and sometimes i feel strongly as if they are. i dont care if they are bastards or not, but sometimes i think. do you have any posts mainly on this?

this was written in mess of emotions, i may be wrong in come accounts and so i'll be happy to see what you think. Ive been in the book fandom for only few months, I love your posts. hope you are having a nice day <3

As for the Daemon killing Laenor, I changed my mind a little.

I think that if he were alone, he would have had him killed after Laena already died--was willing to.

So rather than it being a morality thing, it is a convenience matter that makes me consider how Daemon may or may not have killed Laenor. Including how he might have hidden his own movements and preparations to have this guy killed, which, yes, could just be him meeting with Qarl Correy in secret as he did in the show. But again, it depends on how dumb Corlys and Rhaenys are, or how willing they are to suspect Daemon and believe it.

He'd still have convinced Rhaenys very well that he had nothing to do with it, which I can't imagine was easy or worth it for him. Both Rhaenys and Corlys still have to support Rhaenyra after all, if the goal was to get closer to Rhaenyra and gather support/be support for her, as is the argument for the pro-Daemon killed Laenor thing.

As for how the show writers and Condal wrote the blacks to have less and the greens to have "more" by stealing their traits, ozymalek writes the best (and my own final agreement as to how this came about) HERE. Excerpt:

The Dance era in "Fire and Blood" is something that will fundamentally cause the feelings of cognitive dissonance. I think this is why people initially disliked this book when it first came out. It did not provide easy answers, it was written as a historical account, the in-universe historians were clearly biased. People, however, had trouble realizing who the historians are biased for and against.

Team Green would have you think that "F&B" is biased against the Greens, because their allegiance as maesters clearly being to Hightowers notwithstanding, they could not evade simple historical facts: that most of the kingdom supported Rhaenyra, that Greens were horrendously misogynistic and that her usurpation was clearly wrong. That's why, approaching it from the "choose your favorite war criminal" point of view, it was difficult for Greens to accept that their preferred side is so cartoonishly evil - obviously bias must have been involved, even though the only pro-Black narrator of F&B is Mushroom, the rest are Greens. The maester's anti-Targaryen bias, however, manages to sneak in and mess with the reader's balance, causing said cognitive dissonance.

It's hard to deal with it as a reader, let alone as a showrunner who's trying to adapt a story in which not everything is set in stone. They incorrectly assumed that, because they are constantly forced to question what is happening in the story, the bias is with the underlying idea that there was a correct side. As such, they assumed that all the inconsistencies result from maesters not choosing to view it that way. Ryan Condal repeatedly stated that he does not want watchers to pick sides, while George RR Martin embraces it and even encourages it (and I think that he himself has picked the Blacks). Such is our nature as human beings.

So they decided that they have to balance the scales. Because Greens are poorly developed, they added more characterization for them that contradicts their book personas (abused child bride meow meow Alicent who is clueless about the plans that in the books she herself set in motion, for example) while simultaneously taking the characterization AWAY from team Black members.

I still think that the writers are also more inclined to write Rhaenyra misogynistically for a male audience through the male gaze (xenonwitch's POST and ozymalek's POST and my own POST/its reblog by monoijikayu).

[theneverendingmixtapecontinued]

Daily Update 365 (Occupation Elation)

I [was] stranded somewhere between wanting you back and letting you go. A constant push and pull between my heart and my brain. ~ dreamyrainbowwriter

Sounds about RIGHT... 

I wrote so much yesterday, and there’s so much MORE to say... 

Thank yousht for NOT writing meesht back, in all sincerity... 

It means the world to meesht....

I’ve NEVER been happier to have an “empty” inbox in my entire life...

It’s just the RIGHT thing to do with something in that manner...

And I won’t hate yousht for the rest of my life, instead... 

Anyways, thought of MORE stuff to write about here....

I wrote it down in my notebook...

Like, can weesht talk about just how much I love my job?!?...

Today is my one year anniversary, to the date.... 

I just climbed the stairs today thinking I love my job, and for once in a long ass time, I felt FOREVER, ya know?!?...

It makes me feel GOOD, my boss compliments meesht a lot, she appreciates meesht, the other people are considerate, I feel important and like I matter, it’s at a library like yousht said (thank you!!!), I’m surrounded by the arts, I’m doing fun and creative stuff in Children’s, I run my own events, the building is nice, the hours are decent (thankfully), I have an easy commute... 

I love my job, and there’s even a connection to yousht, there...

And let meesht tell yousht, she expected it MORE than I did....

Honestly, her husband said the wrong town name(s) when he told meesht his wife works at a library... When I asked which one, he said the other 2 names that start with the same letter... NOT this one... 

I thought she worked some place else...

It took meesht ALL the way to the Holiday party in December to find out, since we got to chatting about other stuff, like the last time I went to a concert, which is how it came up in conversation... 

Then when I said my ex b/f is in a ska punk band, she’s like, “Watch me guess;” or something similar, indicating she already figured it was the same band...

And then she asked the name of it, and said, “My husband is the bass player...”

And I was fucking floored, so I corrected myself and said, yousht and I were in like a polyamory, and it’s just easier to call yousht my ex boyfriend, so don’t tell him I said that... And she was just like, “He has a BIG personality....” With like, NOT a positive tone to it, which is why I told yousht I love it...

She said she used to hang out with your band, but then Jose told her what to do, and she was like NOT having it, and I was thinking, Oh GOOD, I’m NOT the only one who doesn’t jive well with Jose.... 

I wanted to ask her MORE about yousht, or just mention that I met your attachment, but I just shut-up, since I didn’t want to seem STILL into yousht, which I am... All though, I could have at least mentioned that I taught yousht saxophone... Precisely NOW that I think of it.... 

{I’m so sorry I didn’t talk MORE about yousht, she could’ve at least indicated your happiness level, a missed opportunity... WTF?!?}

My mom says this connection means you’re NOT so far away from meesht, as in like just 2 Degrees of Seperation....

I think this connection means we’re meant to be together.... I mean, when I honestly didn’t expect it... And then SMACK, I’m hit over the head with it... I tried to tell myself it could mean something else.... But after ALL the online dating suckage I’ve experienced lately, it STILL goes straight to OH. MY. GOD.!!!!!

As much as I tried to down play it, it’s an incredibly big loud SIGN!!!!!

And it wasn’t even the “excuse” for my gift, but look at that, it was built RIGHT into it.... 

So I love my job, and if I finish my degree, I may even get a raise...

And if that can put meesht closer to full-time territory, yay!!!!!!!

I only have a few years left before my enrollment runs out, and my degree is gone, because they NO longer offer that major....

So I have to complete it sooner rather later, but it’s just A LOT of fucking work....

Anyways, I love yousht so much, and I’m NOT just saying it to emphasize my point....<@@@

#Destiny #TwinFlame #FEELINGS #BeTheChange #Grow #Vent #GarfieldSays

[hwascripts]

Masterlist

WC: Unknown

TW: Swearing, mentions of murder, a bit of angst, I think that’s it!

This is heavily unedited because it’s my Levi simp hours and I need Dad!Levi headcanons. Also your kid and Eren’s kid are gender neutral

Levi as a father 

-I honestly don’t picture Levi as someone who planned on having kids but rather someone who ends up having kids by complete accident. Living in the walls during a war is absolute hell and he doesn’t want his kids to suffer the same way he did growing up.

-Whether or not the kid is adopted or his biological kid- it doesn’t matter to him, he couldn’t give less of a shit about the parentage of his kid...if he raises the kid then you better believe it’s his kid.

If your kid is adopted then here’s how I picture you guys becoming their parents

- During one of your expeditions beyond the walls you find (what you think is) an abandoned cabin in the woods. When you point it out Levi just tells you to ignore it and focus on the task Erwin gave you, but you have this weird gut feeling that someone is in there. While Levi is distracted you go off to the cabin and peek inside and to your horror- there is a small child, no older than a few months crying in it’s deceased mothers arms. You run over and pry the crying baby from the mother’s hands and immediately start trying to hush it’s cries

-Levi notices the fact that you’ve left his side after a few minutes of silence and he pinches his nose in frustration- of course you went to check out the cabin he told you to ignore. He flies away from the tree he was perched on and makes his way to the cabin to look for you- upon reaching the cabin his eyes widen from pure shock. Where the hell did you get a crying baby from? he can’t help but be filled with sorrow when he notice’s the child’s dead parents on the ground behind you- bandits had probably murdered them.

-The two of you have a huge argument about what you should do with the orphan child and this results in the two of you not speaking for over a week. But as the week goes on, he realizes that him and that baby are more similar than he thinks. Levi never had a father- the closest father figure in his life being Kenny who abandoned him at a young age, and his dear mother Kuchel who died of sickness when he was just a boy. Both Levi and the child didn’t have parents in their lives, fate cruelly ripping that away from them. He see’s himself in that baby.

-After a week of silence Levi storms into your office only to catch you asleep with the baby on your chest, his heart softens just the slightest bit at the image. He sits next to you and gently shakes you awake- careful to not wake the sleeping baby. Before you can even say anything he quietly states:

-”we’re not abandoning the baby, we can raise them together”

-All the worry and stress you carried melted away after hearing his words.

If your kid was biologically his, this is how I picture it turning out:

-The day Hanji informed you that you were pregnant was quite possibly one of the worst days of your life (sorry to be angsty) how the hell could you have gotten pregnant? the amount of stress, physical strain on your body and sleepless nights is not ideal for fertility- so how the hell did this happen?

-How the hell would you even tell Levi? The topic of children has never once come up and you’re sure he would never want to raise a child in the walls while titans destroy and kill everyone in sight. Besides- the two of you already have enough on your plates as it is.

- You’d tell him straight out that you were pregnant during your nightly tea time before bed, just straight up dropping the news on him. It takes a few seconds for him to fully register what you just told him but once he finally understands he drops his teacup, the boiling hot tea staining his jacket. All he can do is sputter like a fish out of water and aggressively try to clean the stain.

- I’m going to be realistic here- the last thing he would do is jump for joy and kiss you. I hate to be angsty again but realistically he’d probably storm off and go for a walk around the town while he tries to take in the news. I see him unintentionally ignoring you for a few days while he tries to accept the fact that the two of you are bringing a child into this world.

-After about a week he’s finally calmed himself enough to talk to you about the situation and what the best thing for the two of you is. Again, he isn’t happy that you guys are bringing a kid into this- but who the hell would be? but he sure as hell won’t take that out on the kid, he thinks that’s the most pathetic thing you can do as a parent.

-”look, our situation is shitty but I’m not leaving you to raise the brat on your own”

How he is as a father

- I’m not going to lie to you, he is not the type to coddle his kid or show them a lot of affection. To be honest he doesn’t know a single thing about parenting, the only “parent” he had taught him violence and then left Levi to fend for himself- but he does know that most children don’t grow up around violence so he refuses to be even the slightest bit like his uncle Kenny.

- 100% calls his kid brat, ankle-biter, kid...you name it- but he doesn’t mean it in a derogatory way because deep down inside he still has a soft spot for the kid. 

-He rarely ever shows physical affection to the kid because he just doesn’t know how, he never knew the affectionate touch of another human until you came along. That’s not to say that he doesn’t love his kid- he would sacrifice his life without second thought to protect them.

-He doesn’t realize how distant and cold he can be to his kid until he overhears them crying to you about how “daddy doesn’t love me” and his heart just shatters into a million pieces because he DOES love them but for the life of him he just can’t find a way to show it.

-Levi ends up sitting down with the kid and having a conversation that was long overdue (for reference the kid is now 7 years old) and he admits that he loves them more than anything for the first time.

-Your kid just stares at him for a second and blinks because this is the VERY FIRST TIME they’re hearing their dad say I love you- Levi nearly has a heart attack when the kid launches themselves into his chest and starts sobbing.

-For the very first time in 7 years this kid is finally experiencing the love from their father (besides awkward headpats) and the feeling is just so foreign to both of them that even Levi sniffles a little bit

-Levi silently rocks them back and forth while he rubs their back, the child’s sobs turning into soft sniffles. But what Levi says next shocks all three of you.

“I’m sorry for being a terrible father. forgive me little one?”

-You don’t know what shocks you more- the fact he apologized or that he called your child “little one” instead of the usual “brat”. The kid looks at him while wiping their tears away.

“you’re not a bad daddy. I love you papa”

-To this day Levi swears he just had watery eyes because of the dust but you know damn well they were fat tears rolling down his face

-After this incident Levi swears to himself that he’ll be a more affectionate father, a father who tells his kid that he’s proud of them, a father who their kid can rely on.

-He’s tough on his kid and never lets them slack off, he scolds them whenever they make bad choices and sometimes your kid says he’s got a stick up his ass (you lightly scold them but the two of you always end up laughing because it’s true) but your husband deeply cares for your child and does it so they can grow into the best version of themselves.

-Did I mention that he absolutely flips the fuck out when your kid brings home Eren’s kid to introduce you to them? You have to sit on him to make sure that he doesn’t strangle the poor bastard. 

“If that son of a bitch is anything like his father then they’re going home in a bodybag!” “Levi you can’t threaten them just because they’re Eren’s kid!” “Like hell I can’t! nobody is good enough for our child”

-Your kid quickly learns that they can’t bring their significant other home while Levi is there- unless they have a death wish. The two of you team up to keep Levi distracted for a few hours while the couple chills in your living room

-Your kid swears like a sailor (just like their dad) and Levi swears on his life that he’s not the one that taught them that.

“What the hell do you mean? I didn’t do shit! I don’t fucking know where they picked that up from!” *cue you looking into the camera*

-He’s so damn proud when he see’s his kid graduate at the top of their class. He doesn’t scream at the top of his lungs when your kid walks across the stage but he pulls them to the side after and congratulates them with a small smile on his face

“Good job. I’m proud of you, damn brat”

-Gives them one of his rare Levi hugs and the kid nearly drops the diploma in shock because “wtf dad never hugs me”

-You have to pinch his side multiple times during your kid and Eren’s kids wedding because he won’t shut the hell up with snarky remarks

“Say no goddamnit!” *you pinch him* 

“Ow son of a bitch! what the fuck Y/n?”

 “Would you shut the hell up and be happy for our child on their wedding day?!” 

“I would if our child had taste and picked someone el- OW FUCK!” 

“Shut the fuck up already and behave, Levi!”

-He grumbles while the rest of the former cadets and captains laugh at his sour look

Silly headcanons

-God could you imagine Levi and your kid sitting at the dinner table, it’s almost midnight and they’re arguing over a homework question neither of them understand. This is the night both of you hear your kid swear

“What the hell is this shit? Improper fractions are made-up bullshit”

“If you don’t know then how the fuck am I suppose to know?”

-It’s so silent you can hear a pin drop

“Levi come here for a second”

“Shit...finish this while I’m gone, brat”

-Your kid laughs their ass off while you pull Levi’s ear and drag him to your shared room

‘Yeah keep fucking laughing at your dad, brat!”

“LEVI!”

-An absolute nightmare when it comes to cleaning oh my god both you and your kid wanna kill him sometimes

“This shit isn’t clean, you wipe it down six times and then place it at an angle”

“Levi it’s a fucking T.V. Remote”

-The war ended years ago now and he tells your kid about all the titans he killed and the ass he kicked

“And then I sliced that ugly bastard titan’s head clean off!”

“Levi for someone who’s a clean freak your stories sure are gross”

-The noise the toaster makes when it’s done scares the shit out of him. He’ll be in the middle of scolding your kid and then he jumps because the toaster is done and your kid just thinks it’s comedic gold

“I fucking told you not to do that shit but you went and did it anyways, do you know how irresponsi-FUCK! damn toaster- Hey stop laughing brat I’m not done yet!”

That’s all I’ve got for now- stay tuned

[superhero--imagines]

Part 1 Here! / Part 3 Here!/ Playlist Here!

A/N: Maybe one last part after this?

Ko-Fi l Etsy l Commission Info Here

* You’re sitting on a bench outside, listening to Shoko and Nanami talk about something

* The breeze caresses your face

* It’s so quiet

* You haven’t experienced silence like this in years

* And there’s only one reason why you’re suddenly experiencing it now

* Your eyes stray from the dancing branches that hover above you to the dancing white-haired boy across the courtyard

* He’s talking to Geto about something, laughing as he does

* His sky blue eyes meet yours for a second, before abruptly looking away

* Not the usual flirtatious wink and wave he would normally give you

* You don’t know why, but it’s like Gojo’s lost every ounce of interest he had in you

* It looks like that prank you pulled on him is what did it-

* Apparently Geto had to help get the glass down

* He hasn’t tried speaking to you once since then, and every time your eyes meet he looks away just like he did a second ago

* What a baby, so he can dish it out but he can’t take it when someone uses his own tactics against him huh?

* It’s for the best really, you don’t want anything to do with him

* Besides if that moron just wanted someone who wasn’t going to react or get mad, then he should just date a sex doll

* It’s for the best, really

* So why are you so upset right now

* The prickle of irritation burns in your chest even when you turn away from the two boys, joining in on Shoko and Nanami’s conversation

* On the other side, Geto lets out a low whistle

* “Never thought I would see the day a lady killer like you would get embarrassed because you made eye contact with your crush” Geto grins when Gojo flushes a light pink.

* Geto almost wants to laugh, what happened to the womanizing-god-complex freak who was here just a second ago?

* “Don’t say lady-killer, you know I like men too, I’m an equal opportunity lover” Gojo gloats while running his fingers through his hair

* Ah, it looks like he’s on his bullshit again

* “You better watch out Geto, if you’re too much of tsundere I might fall for you next” the words are emphasized with a wink, and Geto can’t help but laugh

* “Whatever dude, don’t come crying to me when they start to hate you because you’re being flakey”

* Gojo laughs it off

* But late that night, while he’s lying in bed watching the shadows flicker on his ceiling he can’t help but wonder-

* What if you really do end up hating him?

* It’s not that he doesn’t want to be around you anymore or anything-

* He just doesn’t know how to approach you anymore now that he knows he’s in love with you

* “I’ve probably been in love for a while” he mumbles

* He’s not really sure when it started.

* At first it was just for shits and giggles

* Something to keep him entertained, and you just happened to be the most entertaining thing around

* So when did it stop being ‘anyone’s fine’ and start being ‘it’s only fine if it’s you’?

* He sighs turning to face the wall, he doesn’t understand his own feelings

* Yeah he’s got all this money and power and influence-

* But right now he’s just a boy in love for the first time

* And he doesn’t know how to handle that

* “I just don’t want them to hate me” he mumbles, feeling his eyes close shut

* He’ll try to talk to you tomorrow

* Even if it’s just a simple ‘good morning’

* At least it’ll be something

* But to his annoyance, he’s told he has to go save his classmates from a curse

* And then everything with the star vessel happens

* And he doesn’t see you for a while and he thinks-

* “Well maybe this is fine, maybe it’s better this way. They’re probably happy now that I’m not around always annoying them”

* And just as he’s thinking maybe this is for the best, that if someone leaves your life it probably means they weren’t supposed to be apart of it anyway -

* When you come barreling into his life again

* “Oi, Baka prince, where did sensei say this kid's house was again?” You ask, eyebrows threading together as you fidget with your phone

* Yaga-sensei sent you to accompany Gojo on his ‘mission’ to retrieve Megumi Fushiguro

* It looks like the only people who can reign Gojo in are you and Geto

* Not that you mind the impromptu mission, and besides- you don’t think Gojo is someone who should be alone around kids

* Gojo actually flinches when you speak to him, you’d traveled in silence so far, standing side by side without exchanging a word on the train.

* You sigh, you know he isn’t interested in you but the least he can do is be somewhat pleasant

* Even that usual annoying demeanor of his would be fine

* You’re not sure why but that prickle of irritation burns in you again, seeping through in the nickname you gave him

* Gojo doesn’t meet your eyes, those clear blue pupils are averted slightly as a pink blush singes his face

* “I’m not sure, I’ve just been following the cursed energy” he admits with an uncharacteristically shy gaze

* Okay WTF

* Gojo would never let the opportunity to tell you how weak you are for being unable to “even feel this amount of cursed energy”

* Who is this freak and what has he done to the real Gojo Satoru

* “Are you sick or something?” You ask

* Your hand’s already moving to cover his forehead, and you feel like somethings off

* Your eyebrows thread together as your peer closer, noticing a small gap where your hand and his forehead

* Ah right, the infinity he has around him

* You never realized it before but you wonder, can he ever feel anything?

* It must be lonely

* Gojo’s looking down at you, swallowing a lump in his throat.

* The expression on your face looks so tender, and you’re so close he can smell your scent

* And he feels a sudden urge to cry, to bury his face in your shoulder and weep like a child

* He’s watching you open your mouth, you’re about to say something-

* When you both feel a large burst of cursed energy

* Your heads snap to the direction you sense it from only to see a small boy

* You recognize him as Megumi Fushiguro, your target for this so-called ‘mission’

* He’s younger than you expected, he can’t be older than 10

* You turn to Gojo, you’re going to need a plan, someone that young is awfully impressionable. You have to do this with some tact

* But when you turn to look he’s gone

* “Huh?”

* You can practically see the outline of his form where he was standing just a second ago, your neck creaking as you turn to where Megumi-Kun is standing

* “Your father sold you to the Zenin Clan”

* You might appear calm and collected on the outside, but I promise you your soul has ascended to the fourth dimension where you are just screaming into the void

* “Well does it make you mad? Does it-“ Gojo’s waggling his fingers like a god damn perv when you basically apparate to his side and bring your fist down on his head

* “Oi, Baka prince what the hell do you think you’re doing?!?”

* Gojo’s stumbles back, nursing the emotional wound you just gave him and you crouch down

* “Don’t listen to anything that moronic man just told you, he’s got no tact” you tell the boy

* He’s a cutie, like the male version of Snow White.

* Though his expression tells you he’s about had it with this reality

* “Yeah I can see that”

* “Well he might act like a moron, but he’s got a pretty decent heart”

* You spell out the situation to Megumi as tactfully as you can, opting to treat him like an adult.

* “These are your options as I see them, you can go to the Zenin clan, or, that Baka prince already stopped the sale in return for you promising to join our academy”

* You and Megumi get along pretty well, you’re kindred souls

* Besides you both seem to be able to see right through Gojo’s princely appearance

* “Why did you guys leave me behind?” Gojo shrieks, Megumi’s hand is in your own, both of your free hands holding ice cream cones

* Megumi immediately makes a face, it had been so quiet while he was gone too

* You can’t help but sympathize with the kid, you used to feel that way before you got to know Gojo too

* You were just showing Megumi around the campus, helping him get familiar, and you thought you should reward him a little with a treat for being such a good kid

* Besides you like him

* Of course Gojo wanted to tag along, teasing Megumi half of the time like a damn idiot and spending the other half of the time giving flirtatious winks to women who seemed interested in him.

* Gojo’s making a scene and Megumi looks like he’s a second from throwing a tantrum too

* You sigh, you don’t get paid enough for having to deal with these two children

* “Here” when Gojo looks up, bright blue eyes peering over his black glasses he sees a scoop full of his favorite ice cream balancing on top of a chocolate-dipped waffle cone

* “But what about you?” He asks and the questions catches you off guard, since when has Gojo cared about anyone but himself?

* “I don’t want any, I just thought it would be good to get in line while we waited.”

* You didn’t think you would actually get to the front of the line before he caught up though.

* “No! You waited in line that whole time, here we can take share, take the first bite”

* You’ve kept your cool in front of Gojo for years but something about the expectant expression he’s giving you - the tops of his cheeks bright pink- and those bright blue eyes looking at you while holding out the ice cream cone that makes you flustered

* You can feel your face grow warm, geez what’s gotten into him

* To make matters worse you’re having a hard time saying no to him right now

* Something about those crystal blue eyes has you almost mesmerized

* And then Megumi stands up on the bench and takes a giant bite from the cone

* Cue Gojo screaming and crying because, goddammit he was this close to an indirect kiss with you-

* “Why did you do that?” He shrieks, he’s crouched on the ground, face bright red in anger and anguish

* “I don’t know, the green tea ice cream looked good” Megumi shrugs, only for Gojo to start shrieking again

* Gojo and Megumi are about a second from a fistfight when they hear laughter

* The gentle twinkling gets louder and they both instinctively turn towards it

* You’re laughing so hard you’re clutching your stomach, tears forming at the corners of your eyes

* “Geez you guys are like something out of a cartoon.” You manage to say in between laughs

* Megumi’s eyes widen

* He’s seen you smile before, but he’s never seen you laugh like that

* Megumi wonders what he’s thinking right bow

* His eyes trail to Gojo

* Gojo looks at you like you just hung the moon

* Like he’s a child seeing fireworks for the first time

* Megumi will never forget the look on Gojo’s face for as long as he lives

* ‘So that’s what it looks like when you love someone’ Megumi thinks

* Gojo pats Megumi on the head

* “Thanks kid, because of you I got to see something nice”

* You guys grow a lot closer because of Megumi, becoming sort of surrogate older siblings to him and Tsumiki

* “Why did you bring a Kotatsu?” You and Megumi are standing in the doorway holding takeout and oranges

* “Winter time just doesn’t feel right without a Kotatsu, isn’t that right Tsumiki-Chan?”

* The young girl grins as she nods, snuggling deeper into the blanket

* You and Megumi give each other an incredulous look

* Leave it to a little rich boy like Gojo Satoru to buy a Kotatsu for a casual hang out just because it’s winter

* Still-

* You watch as Megumi and Tsumiki cuddle under the Kotatsu, peeling oranges

* The kids seem to be enjoying it

* Gojo pats the spot next to him

* “I saved you a spot (Y/N/N), I promise I won’t bite” but Gojo’s giving you that same teasing grin he always used to give you

* Looks like things are back to normal

* You sigh taking a seat beside him, stealing your resolve as you put up with his incessant teasing

* Everything is back to the way it was...so why do you still feel that prickle in your stomach every time he looks at you?

* And the following weeks that familiar sensation makes appearances several times, leaving you more confused each time

* It’s not until you’re walking in Shibuya, one of your hands holding Megumi’s and the other one holding a Taiyaki full of ice cream that you realize

* “Gojoooooo” the woman in front of you whines “you’re so mean, I can’t believe you didn’t call me, because I know you had a good time”

* The woman’s pouty expression turns wolffish in a second

* Ah, so that’s where he learned to smile like that

* You and Megumi are mostly just enjoying the show, eating your ice cream and watching as Satoru tries to placate this woman

* “I’ve just been taking some time to better myself-“

* You snort, yeah you’re sure he’s been bettering himself with his dozen other lovers

* Honestly serves him right for fooling around with so many people. You’re surprised he’s not habitually in the infirmary for a new STD

* “You see, I’m a father now”

* You sputter choking on your ice cream. Megumi pats your back

* That idiot prince has really gone and done it now-

* Having an illegitimate child,

* Yaga-Sensei is going to kill him

* Not to mention what his clan might do

* Gojo looks back at you with warm eyes

* And you feel that pricking feeling again

* “Megumi is my pride and joy”

* Huh?

* Oh

* OHHHHH

* So that’s his game.

* What a sleaze bag using someone else’s kid as an excuse to get out of an uncomfortable romantic encounter

* Megumi squeezes your hand and you look down

* The look on his face could kill a man

* “I’d never call a pervert like you my Father”

* So Megumi woke up and chose violence today-

* You figure Gojo will laugh and cover it up with some jokes like ‘kids these days no respect for their elders’ or something

* But when you look at Gojo he looks genuinely hurt, those vibrant blue eyes look watery, and that pretty mouth that’s always curled in a grin is curved into a soft frown.

* And before you know what you’re doing you say-

* “Megumi-Chan you shouldn’t be so mean to your Father, he let you have ice cream before dinner didn’t he?”

* .

* ...

* .....

* WHY DID YOU JUST SAY THAT

* Megumi and Gojo are both looking at you with vacant stares

* Megumi is still in shock that you took Gojo’s side in this

* But Gojo’s looking right at you, cheeks holding a rosy tinge

* And then something amazing happens

* Gojo smiles at you-

* Not that wolfish smile he’s been showing you for years as he teases you, or that princely smile he uses to get something he wants

* It’s a genuine smile

* And you can’t help but think he doesn’t look at all like the most powerful sorcerer, he just looks like a boy

* Ah, there’s that painful prickle again

* “I love my family so won’t see you anymore, go ahead and delete my contact information,” Gojo says with a grin

* He walks over to you in long strides, hoisting Megumi up and carrying him all while the woman shouts obscenities

* “Come on (Y/N/N), let’s go home,” he says, his hand moving to hold your own

* And all you can do is let him tug you forward

* Your gaze lingers on your intertwined hands, the heat that radiates from his palm even though there’s an infinity between you both

* Your eyes trail up to look at his broad back, the way he holds Megumi so easily even though he’s pulling on Gojo’s hair

* The prickle intensifies as you watch them

* ‘He would make a good Dad his spouse will be lucky’ you think

* And then it hits you

* Oh

* Oh no

* Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no

* You’re in love with Gojo Satoru

* The f*ckboy extraordinaire

* F*ck

* How did this even happen? You had been so careful, you were even apart of that down with Gojo Satoru club with Nanami and Geto

* Are they going to revoke your membership now?

* F*********ck

* “Hurry up and put me down you pervert!” Megumi shouts, a fistful of Gojo’s white hair in his hand

* “Ora Ora, you shouldn’t be mean to papa like that Megumi-Chan” Gojo teases, not even the slightest bit fazed

* Megumi’s only grabbing onto the infinity around his hair after all, so it probably doesn’t hurt

* “Here Megumi,” you abandon your ice cream without a thought, carefully lifting him out of Gojo’s hold and onto the ground

* Megumi doesn’t say anything, he only holds your hand in his

* “Hold Papa’s hand too Megumi-Chan otherwise I’ll feel lonely” Gojo teases, but you can tell he really does want Megumi to hold his hand

* “If it’ll get you to shut up” Megumi grumbles, but he reached up, taking Gojo’s hand in his

* The three of you probably look like a family, and this time the prickling feels warm, like a tickle across your stomach

* Like butterflies

* F********************ck

* “For F*cks sake, how am I going to get out of this one” you mumble to yourself

[alpacaparkaseok]

Okay right off the bat I’m starting at chapter 7 for a refresher so it might take me a hot second to actually submit this lol

Ahh okay starting now (but also the previous chapters are just as good if not better the more I read them 🤧…still weak against arsons, can confirm)

I’m so paranoid at this point I feel like every line I’m like highly suspect 🧐🧐🧐

Falling Star cafe??? 🕵🏽‍♀️

Lady in red 🕵🏽‍♀️

Someone watching the car 🕵🏽‍♀️ (perhaps Jin is continuing a newly formed habit…how could I know 🕵🏽‍♀️🕵🏽‍♀️🕵🏽‍♀️)

Oml homegirl is booooold bringing up the kiss so casual, I’m thoroughly impressed. Ahh a pouty Tae.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…wait. Hold the phone. Now hand the phone to me…what do you mean desperation drove her into his arms

(post note: agreed the boy is down BAD - the little wince I give every time he calls her jagiya)

And yet indeed (f’s in the chat for Taehyung you guys). The literal anxiety I’m experiencing with this conversation and the rain…you’re so freaking talented wtf. Also I know Tae was up there for me…but I’m now even more firmly shutting that door. I think the kiss needed to happen tho. They both clearly needed to know, the what if would never had gone away otherwise, like tying up loose ends.

Aaaand “Seokjin appears atop the stairs” so back to 🕵🏽‍♀️🕵🏽‍♀️🕵🏽‍♀️

All the smell descriptors make me 🕵🏽‍♀️ too I’m over here like vanilla??? 🕵🏽‍♀️🕵🏽‍♀️🕵🏽‍♀️ what does it mean??? I know they shouldn’t but again IM SO PARANOID NOW

Okay I’m getting major “I must not tell lies” vibes rn. He??? 🕵🏽‍♀️

Seokjin’s “what can I do”🥺 (clearly my loyalties have not been swayed…yet)

I feel like I held my breathe for that entire flashback section ahhh. Okay BUT I ALMOST SAID YADIEL EARLIER (bc I reread the previous chapters first) but if I’m being honestly for some reason my brain said Yadiel=she even tho upon further recollection he was used as Yadiel’s pronouns for sure like brain why you do that??? Also every softboi™ JK moment feels like a punch to the gut

The casual way he says I had to set some important buildings on fire I can’t. I went from 🥺 (bc of JK softboi™ shit) to 😂 so fast I think I have whiplash now. I love Jin (a continued thread)

OH SHIT 😳 I-

The knife…I got literal chills reading just now 🥶

Tl;dr IT MADE SO MUCH FREAKING SENSE (BUT IVE NEVER BEEN MORE ??? 🕵🏽‍♀️🕵🏽‍♀️🕵🏽‍♀️ 🧐🧐🧐 CONFUSED THAN I AM NOW) AND WE’RE NOT DOING OKAY AFTER THAT AT ALL

In conclusion:

We need answers dammit

ok breaking this down because YES

1. why am I not surprised that you actually went back to chapter 7 lol, the dedication is remarkable. but this is good, we needed the research on arsons. It would look like the phenomena is continuing aka we're all still super into Jin and his arson tendencies

2. I honestly thought about telling you which things you should and should not be suspicious of (you mentioned the café, the woman in red, etc.) but then I realized that that would be no fun and I should just let you continue to suffer. sooo happy suffering lol but you're a smart cookie, there's almost everything something to be suspicious of

3. She just needed to bring that kiss up, or else homeboy would have never brought it up I swear smh, props to her

4. for those of you wondering what line miq is talking about, it's this one regarding JK:

"You’ve always made it clear that there was nothing going one between you two, despite the few times you slipped up and the desperation from living on the streets drove you into his arms-"

My only response is this:

5. Ooh, so many mixed responses on Tae! It's interesting because back when I had you guys take the survey, he and Jimin were tied for the top. Interesting. Very interesting.

6. Vanilla. The scent of vanilla. You're right on this one, there's a reason why I threw that in there, once again your sleuthing skills amaze me. you learned well during your time with the pact lol

7. Agh, Seokjin. That man. I see that your loyalty still lies with him, but you're also on edge lol. you know me so well.

8. Dude, the flashback bit was honestly one of my favorite parts of this entire chapter. We'll be getting some bonus flashbacks very soon! And YES! Yadiel was mentioned in previous chapters, as her first kill. Yay so happy you noticed!

9. JK IS SOFTBOI™

10. wouldn't be Jin if he didn't set something on fire lol

11. yes. the knife. I absolutely loved that detail, in the sickest way possible lol

12. I literally cackled out loud at the last bit. YOU'LL GET YOUR ANSWERS IN DUE TIME OK.

[bossbex]

5x05 Reaction

WOW it’s been a while since I did an episode reaction post.  I’M EXCITED ABOUT THIS SHOW AGAIN!!!

The bughead walk home.  I liked this! I liked how it was awkward.  WHAT WAS IN THE VOICEMAIL??? Does Jughead even know what’s in the voicemail? 

Varchie walk home.  Cute! Friendly.  Was getting zero romantic, or even tense vibes.  He tells her that he hasn’t been in a relationship since her, which completely makes sense considering he’s been in the army since high school.  He didn’t say he hasn’t been with anyone, just that he hasn’t been in a relationship.  

Ok how old are the twins? Shouldn’t they be like 10? Alice is talking about them like they’re babies lmao “shhh, I just got them down”

Poor sad Jug.  I actually really like this turn for him... reminds me of S1 Jughead which was honestly the last time I really loved his character?? And obviously they are setting him up to be at his lowest so he can only go up from here (with a few bumps, probably) 

Kevin and Betty friendship YES!!! HOW is Betty only going through Charles’ stuff NOW, 7 years later after he was discovered to be a serial killer? I know it’s obviously just so she can play the Polly tape which is relevant to the plot of this episode and we shouldn’t be asking more questions but COME ON

Veronica and Hiram... this seems... repetitive... but I liked what happened with her character by the end of this episode. 

BOSS TONI I AM OBSESSED!!! And I love that they are all mad about his book, it’s great.  “You mean, the Vipers?” LMAO

AND MORE BOSS TONI!!! THEY’VE BEEN WASTING HER FOR 3 SEASONS SHE IS AMAZING

And Archie back to savior mode, we love to see it.  

Jugitha? Tabhead? I like their banter.  I’m into it.  I’m just really hoping that they don’t use another WOC as a plot device for Jughead to get back with Betty. If it happens, make it meaningful.  

MORE BOSS TONI!!! I love that Toni has never once strayed from her morals... no amount of money is going to make her screw over a bunch of students and work for Hiram lodge. 

“It used to be Kevin and I would sneak peaks through that window, hoping you were shirtless” BETTY YOU ARE SHAMELESS (also I absolutely LOVE a pilot reference) 

Wtf is Reggie doing.  Will he have a redemption arc? I really hope so! Like that he was blackmailed into working for Hiram and he is protecting his family in some way? Or something? Or maybe they have decided that he’s just “bad” now.  His hair is certainly bad...

Ok so Veronica is looking at getting a job as a... sports agent?? In LA?? Ok, Riverdale.  Sure.  And I guess she’s just done with Chad? Which ok, sure, that guy’s awful.  

SMITHERS LIVES!!!!!!!!!!

Lmao of course Monica Posh is back.  And this guy just casually has $30K cash laying around? Sounds legit.  

Ok I really thought the Betty gun scene was going to be Archie but turns out it’s Polly! Which I am happy to see!!! So it seems like Alice and Polly are bitter with Betty for “abandoning” them... which like, I don’t think that going to school and getting a job in a different state is “abandoning” your family.  But it does sound like Betty doesn’t call much and basically hasn’t been back to Riverdale since she left for college? Which is like... kinda shitty.  I wonder if that will be delved into a bit more.  Oh, who am I kidding, I know what show I’m watching.  

Toni at the Cooper house? Toni and Alice team up?? We love to see it!!!  

Ok Jughead lying about staying at the 5 seasons and actually staying in the bunker is just the saddest thing ever.  

Ok, I LOVE Tabitha?? “I think I’d remember a weird-ass name like that” LMAO. I Also love that she called the guy “pumpkin” in response to him calling her “sweetie” lol.  So good.  

Veggie comeback?? I miss them!!! But his hair... I can’t get past his hair. 

I actually love this plot point with Polly being involved with the Ghoulies and that being what gets Betty passionate about the raid (she had already offered help but now she’s IN)

The Betty and Archie arm touch? “You good?” I CAN’T

Can Kevin ever say a line without being interrupted? That’s just a running gag now lol.  I did enjoy the Succession reference though.  AND MORE BOSS TONI like seriously it’s so good.  

Ok I love how the plot point of Riverdale “going private” exists solely to allow all the main characters to become teachers there without having any teaching qualifications whatsoever LMAO.  Sure yes ok.  

I feel like Veronica should be asking her mom for help with Chad and not her dad? Wouldn’t she be more experienced in that side of things? Oh wait, we’re not supposed to ask questions about logic of storylines.  I do like the Hiram refused her help and brought up the scene “7 years ago” where she compared him to a dog, lol.  

Ok I feel like Betty is justified in questioning Polly about lying about where she’s working at the drugs (and since when has she ever done anything sensitively or discreetly?) and Polly is also justified in being defensive about it and thinking it’s none of Betty’s business since she hasn’t been around.  You know who’s business it IS, though? ALICE’S!!! Maybe Alice is overcompensating for sending Polly to SoQM years ago but she is all kinds of enabling her now.  

BARCHIEEEEEEEEEEEEE I could write a whole post on this.  Maybe I should? THE TENSION!! THE AKWARDNESS!!! “Cool” ---ARCHIE WAS SO NERVOUS WITH HER!!! THE SHOWER!!! OF COURSE BETTY CAN’T GO NEXT DOOR AND SHOWER AT HOME THAT WOULD BE TOO LOGICAL!!! THE LOOK THEY GIVE EACH OTHER THEY BOTH JUST FUCKING KNOW!!! THAT WAS SUCH A LONG AND EXPLICIT SEX SCENE FOR THE CW!!!!!! I KNEW IT WAS COMING FROM THE PROMO BUT I WAS STILL NOT READY!!!

Ok I’ve caught my breath... thoughts on this: 

This was LONG overdue.  I thought it was perfect.  They are adults, they both wanted each other, there was absolutely nothing in their way, and the show made sure that there was NO ambiguity about what they were doing.  They fucked in the shower, that’s it.  Some other notes - Betty twice in this episode talks about how Archie hasn’t changed - he is STILL the boy she has loved since she was a kid.

AND THEN THE CONVERSATION IMMEDIATELY AFTER!!! This show would normally not even have the characters address it.  We would have gone straight to the Pop’s scene with no discussion. “Something we’ve been wanting to do since high school but never got around to” I SCREAMED.  And their SMILES they are both so happy. I LOVED THIS!!! So we’re getting FWB barchie, great, I’m here for it.  You can see though, by both of their expressions, it’s more than that for both of them.  BETTY’S LIP BITE AT THE END GIRL IS IN LOOOOOVE

Jug’s speech at the retirement party was really good.  

Ok this Choni scene is just lovely.  They are both so soft I’M CRYING. “If our love ever meant anything to you, help us” SOB. 

Betty is the first one to agree to help Archie, noted.

Uh oh, Jughead is going to get in trouble again for writing about all his friends.  Or will he dig his way out of this? 

One last barchie moment TEXTING they are SICK

Jughead and Archie roomies!!! I love this!!! So much potential for tension and akwardness!! 

TL;DR - this episode was GREAT, barchie is HOT, and Toni is BOSS, this dynamic change up was NEEDED

[adashelbysgirlfriend]

A Taste for Something Younger  - Polly Grey Headcannon

Omg I love the Ada roommate headcanon! Could you do the same for Polly? Maybe with a woman a little older/same age as Ada (because we accept age gaps in this household) and her and Polly actually get together in the end? I'd die for that ( @vikingsxf​ )

this idea gave me a big gay hard on and honestly I'm so glad you had it; Polly doesn't get enough love. Ive gone for a younger (Ada age) reader because we definitely support a healthy age gap relationship and i just want to pretend its me who's with polly so. ALSO THIS IS A BIT SMUTTY JUST A LITTLE BIT BUT JUST A WARNING OKAY BABES 

you and Ada had been friends since she started at the library

you both had a lot in common and she would tell you about her crazy relatives which always kept you entertained

obviously you had no clue that the Ada Throne you knew was actually thee Ada Shelby 

when you finally do meet her brother in one of his unannounced visits to her flat its a massive shock that your besties family are the notorious Shelby's 

she brings you out to meet the other brothers and John and Arthur both take a liking to you

when Finn tells Polly about Adas new friend from the city who is breaking hearts all over Birmingham she doesn't really have much to think 

i mean it wouldn't be the first time the shelby boys lost their heads over a girl (especially dumb and dumber) and it probably won't be the last

but when she gets the pleasure of meeting you she can't help but understand why the lads lost their heads

you're stunning, not just physically 

you're mind is almost too wise for your years

“you've got an old soul” 

“thank you, Mrs Gray”

“its Miss, and call me Pol”

you're around a lot

you help in the office with the other women and come for drinks when Tommys in a good mood and feels like having the gang out

Polly’s sass making an impression

you're really intimidated by her because she's just this all knowing mature lady who is also really stunning 

she invites you and ada over to have a girly evening 

you literally don't want to go

anxious as hell

i feel like Polly is one of those people that gives off this no bullshit vibe, so you're scared to even chat to her just incase you say the wrong thing

dressing to impress by buying a new outfit and feeling like a fool for it

its the first thing Polly notices when she sees you 

“you look ravishing don't you”

literally blushing all over

stumbling on your words

Ada has no clue whats going on and is so confused

maybe even a little jealous? why are you swooning over her auntie so much 

Ada gets a surprise phone call and has to leave and you are wanting to leave with her but Polly all nah stay 

this is the (best) WORST CASE SCENARIO PEOPLE 

ALONE WITH POLLY 

in her HoUSE

getting drunk to hide the fear but then also getting loose lipped

chatting absolute beans with her and she can't stop laughing at you 

Because she loves that you're a bit scared of her but seeing a more bold side of you kinda turns her on

the drinking night becomes a weekly thing

you start to relax into Polly presence 

seeking comfort in your time in her home 

Ada doesn't even get an invite anymore

getting drunk together and her listening while you babble on about literally the most random topics ever

you get two whiskies in and start telling her all the facts you know about giraffes or the fall of the Berlin wall

and she just loves to sit and watch you 

insane tension 

a lot of staring 

touching but nothing that would cross the friendship line, flirting with it though 

her doing you makeup and telling you about the wild things she's done 

that almost so close you could kiss but without the kiss tension when she's in your face putting your lipstick on

she says you look good in red, which you don't believe but at this point she could tell you you looked good in a teletubbie costume and a bitch would be dressed head to toe as Lala

she sees you start to push your comfort zones and she loves it 

the new found confidence makes her horny as hell

Jealous Ada is more jealous when she sees you walking round in Polly’s shade of lipstick 

“she must really like you to let you borrow that” - but its LACED IN GAY ANGST BECAUSE WTF HOW DID HER AUNT STEAL YOU 

i feel like you make the first move 

which isn't something you or Polly expected

like you've both been drinking all night and for some reason you start doing vodka shots

and this is the good shit vodka were stalking russian standard pissed off your tits shit love

and you watch her neck those shots like she's getting paid by the hour

and you just 

walk stumble right on over there and fall into her lap 

grab that sexy face in both hands and give her the softest kiss she's ever had in her life

it feels like her first kiss ever

which is saying something because you betcha that womans had a lot of kisses

polly doesnt know how to respond she's SHOOK 

she doesn't even close her eyes she's like 

literally frozen in shock 

pulling straight back

whoops

suddenly all that drunk confidence is gone and you're hit with that crippling anxiety you get when you've done something wrong and been caught for it 

Polly grabbing a fist full of your hair and pulling you back down 

now she's KISSING YOU AND OH LORD 

passion 

she's not even clumsy when she's drunk like you are this woman is EXPERIENCED

lip biting oh my christ 

not that pussyass nibbling but actual biting 

and tongue 

and i mean after that loves theres no going back really is there

finding your confidence again or maybe just horniness and drifting your hand under her skirt

your newfound confidence surprises her but she refuses to let you know that because hello she's Polly fucking Gray 

“dont start something you can't finish, little dove”

“do you want me to stop?”

“i didn't say that”

this is the START OF SOMETHING NEW

leaving her panting and sweating, lipstick smudged and clinging to the arms of the chair

i mean once it happens once its a common occurrence loves

not that either of you are complaining 

not just sex but dates in her living room by the fire

walks together arm and arm 

nobody really thinks to much of seeing her and you together, either assuming you're just one of the boys girlfriends or that you're her niece or something 

and they couldn't be more wrong but their ignorance is bliss

she loves how young you make her feel

and you love how much she takes care of you

i feel like maybe she's a little nervous of baring all to you; physically and mentally

her body is slightly more mature than yours, things aren't as new and shiny as yours may be; i feel like she’d take some reassurance maybe before she knew that you wouldn't just leave her for someone your own age

not that Polly is one to doubt her self worth but she feels like maybe she's just a phase for you 

you wouldn't want her any other way though; you love her body and lets be real we all do too 

she takes even longer to be open about her memories and past

i feel like she slowly but surely reveals more and more about her private life until she can finally trust you with the complete story 

the rest of the shelbys know better than to question Polly on her personal choices; but they are happy to see the carefree woman they remember from when they were young 

even salty Ada can see the happiness you bring out in her, although she doesn't want to admit it to herself

Polly buys lingerie for you all the time 

being bratty and flashing your bra strap to her in public places 

or grabbing her hand and running it under your dress until she can feel the lace of your underwear when you're both out in the Garrison 

she has this “wait until i get you home” look that you'll do anything to provoke 

she teases you until you beg for her to let you finish as punishment 

“you see what you get for being naughty, y/n?”

she likes it when you ride her face, because although Polly is still in control she likes to put you in a position of power

and she likes to be able to see all of you when you're close to the edge

angry sex, because lets be real Polly can be a snappy little bitch and when you both get angry what better way is there to solve the issue than rough lesbian sex 

she loves your smile 

and your giggle

it makes her feel like a teenager all over again 

nobody really understands how you put up with such a intimidating, dominating woman everyday but they don't see cuddly Polly who likes to be little spoon 

she does her very best to keep you out of the family business and always will because you're one of the only people on earth Polly couldn't live without 

you often joke about how Polly would just move in after you but she knows that after you there would be nobody else for her

“without you my little doll, i couldn't be me” 

lots of lap sitting 

hair stroking  

the sweetest kisses; she tastes of cherry and whisky

she says you're like pink gin, sweet tasting and extremely intoxicating 

Polly had given up on love until she found you, and now she's got you best believe she will spend the rest of time she has on earth making sure she keeps you 

[boringlibrarianthoughts]

The Frickin Destiel Love Confession was a Frankenstein Edit

The love confession in Supernatural 15x18 will forever haunt me. I don’t know if I’ll ever experience anything like that on TV again. I experienced *so many* emotions I didn’t even know I could emote.

BUT SERIOUSLY THOUGH. This scene was edited to heck, which was pretty clear even on the first viewing. I had to go back and rewatch it to get a better feel for it.

Here’s what I think originally went down in this scene. The editing is super weird and kind of jarring. It doesn’t fit the emotion of the scene. I am pretty sure others have gone over how oddly this scene came out, so this probably has similarities to other posts.

I believe that Dean’s stoic/confused reaction throughout the course of Castiel’s confession was actually one scene likely near the beginning of what Cas had to say. These quick reaction cuts to Dean were from one early moment and spliced throughout the course of the speech. I don’t think he stood in place and reacted that way the entire time.

When the scene begins, Cas and Dean are standing some distance away from each other with a chair in between them. Dean takes a few steps closer so now they are a couple feet away from each other. Cas starts talking and then they don’t move the rest of the scene. When it ends, they are standing close enough for Cas to reach out and touch Dean.

 HOW WAS THAT GAP CLOSED?

 Furthermore, the emphasis on super close-ups where you can’t see the context of the scene has been a trick Spn editors have used before to obviously cut out Dean’s hand on Cas’ face during hugs, etc. (And again, I say this as someone who wasn’t what you would call a “Destiel” shipper for a long time, and even I saw that.)

First of all, I think it’s possible Cas said or did more to Dean that was cut out. The two reasons for this would be 1) time and 2) it was too “gay” for the network. Now, I don’t think it was time. This was the centerpiece of the episode, which was originally titled “The Truth” (obv about Cas and Dean’s feelings for each other). I think the network still wants enough ambiguity to say “Yeah, Cas said ‘I love you’ but it’s up to you to interpret how he meant it.” I think originally, there would have been no opportunity for ambiguity. Hence the title also being changed to “Despair.”

And that weird moment I’m sure we all noticed where Dean turns to look at The Empty and his eyes are super teary, but right before and right after they aren’t teary? Wtf? I think the end of this scene was Frankensteined together and what we see is very likely not in the exact order it was originally meant to be in.

While it’s most likely we’ll never know exactly what was said, I can make some guesses about actions. For example: Cas says “I love you” and Dean responds with “Don’t do this, Cas.”

I’m not convinced the line “Don’t do this, Cas” was actually in response to Cas saying “I love you.”

I think it’s possible that when Dean says “Why does this sound like a goodbye?” and Cas says “Because it is” – this might have been when Dean actually says “Don’t do this, Cas.” Again, there’s no certainty here, but this makes a little more sense as far as flow to me. I can manage either way, but this scene just feels weird.

Now, I think Dean reacted and it was totally cut. There’s a super quick clip from this scene from one of the trailers for the season. (Thanks be to the patient person who caught this.) In it, you can see the shot isn’t one of the super close-ups (which makes me think other parts of this scene looked like this and not so zoomed in), and Dean looks teary and appears to be moving closer to Cas. I think this scene was what happened after Dean turned and saw The Empty appear. Cas puts his right hand on Dean’s shoulder. It instantly cuts to Cas saying “Goodbye, Dean,” Dean looks confused and says “What?” and Cas tosses him aside (again, the push looks awkward).

I think that Dean is teary and turns around to see The Empty. He would be emotional because literally no one has ever loved him or valued him the way Cas just expressed, and Dean’s always felt he doesn’t deserve that anyway. So it makes sense he would be close to crying after hearing “I love you.” (Again, his expression doesn’t match the face Dean “appears” to be making immediately after Cas says “I love you.” He goes from stoic to crying in half a second? No. Something was cut or shifted out of order.) Anyway, Dean is emotional and turns to see The Empty. I think he turns back to Cas and moves closer (this would be the super brief moment seen in the promo). Castiel puts his hand on Dean’s shoulder.

I think a fake-out was next. I seriously, for reals think that what followed was a moment where Cas would move closer to Dean and it would appear they were going to kiss, but Cas stops it and pushes Dean aside to save him. This explains why Dean responds with “What?” after Cas says “Goodbye, Dean.” Why would Dean say “What?” at this moment? Like, did he forget within 0.67 seconds that The Empty is apparently right behind him and ready to devour Cas? No. That’s ridiculous. I think he was distracted by an almost-kiss, and so when Can interrupts and says goodbye, Dean is confused.

When exactly Billie actually breaks through the door is also up for speculation. Did she interrupt the possible kiss? Maybe. There’s no way to tell, really. But again, with how this whole scene appears to be bits and pieces hacked together, it could be anything.

Anyway, Cas uses both hands (you can see his left arm moving too when he pushes Dean down) to toss Dean aside. I suspect it’s hidden by the camera angle of what we do see and by careful editing, but that Cas had both his hands on Dean’s arms. I think he put his right hand on Dean, Dean looked emotional and/or encouraging, so Cas put his left hand on Dean as well, fake-out almost kiss, then Dean gets pushed down.

I think that it’s very possible Dean might have yelled or something as he was pushed out of the way. He doesn’t want Cas to die, so this would be very reasonable. Same with Cas being killed. I wouldn’t be even remotely surprised if there was some kind of vocal response to this from Dean.

Dean then looks in horror at… Billie? – being eaten by The Empty? It really doesn’t seem like he’s looking at Cas. Again, I think the reaction we see during the entirety of this scene is 98% to Billie being killed and not to Castiel dying. Dean doesn’t appear to be looking in the right direction to be looking at Cas. I think Billie might’ve broken into the room once Dean was already on the ground and is immediately killed, making her scene longer and Dean’s reaction that we actually see to that instead of to Castiel. Why would the reaction to Cas dying be cut and replaced with just his reaction to Billie spread through both Billie’s and Castiel’s deaths? Again, I think it might’ve appeared too “romantic” and was cut.

This explains why the cuts in this scene are quick and a little jarring. I think scenes had to be cut quickly to get one moment before something romantic was done. I also believe what we see is out of order and was edited to remove reciprocation from Dean. Now, I don’t think Dean says “I love you,” back. I don’t think there was any verbal reciprocation on his part. BUT I do think he might have moved in to kiss Castiel (or appeared receptive to Cas doing that to him) before being pushed aside. I think this is also why Cas looks so happy when he pushes Dean away and, again, looks overjoyed when he looks at Dean laying on the ground. I think Cas was so happy here because Dean reciprocated in his way and Cas got everything he could’ve possibly asked for before dying. If Dean had responded unhappily or even with only the stoic face that we see in the final cut, this may have put a damper on Cas’ happiness, meaning perhaps his deal couldn’t come to fruition. Dean responded, it was cut, and it was likely an almost-kiss.

And I still scream into my pillow over this help

[franeridart]

Anon said: Not an ask, but I frickin love your art style! 👌

Ah heck, thank you so much!!!! <3

Anon said: I refuse to use Emojis but You. Do. Not. Need. To. Apologize. For. Taking. Breaks! We are not entitled to you and you are not required to provide art for us! These are stressful times, and even outside of these times, taking breaks from social medias is completely acceptable.

Thank you for the kind feeling!!! But it’s fine, I’m not beating myself up over it or anything, just apologizing for my habit of going on breaks without letting anyone know beforehand haha

Anon said: your outfit ideas are amazing ! do you have a source of insperation?

Thank you!!! I do a lot of people watching, and that’s about it tbh! I do look at fashion photos and magazines and, like, clothes displays in stores? when I happen across them, but most of my inspo when it comes to outfits starts from me watching people and liking how they’re dressed - in that sense I like watching vlogs and stuff like that too, people these days are so stylish...

Anon said: I really love your lineart and coloring style!! Would you mind sharing your brush settings? Or some art tips? If you don't want too this okay too, keep up the good work !!

Since my brush settings are a reward for my $6+ patreons, I don’t really feel like it’d be fair to share them! But you can probably find some old version of them in my art tips tag :D as for art tips... for lineart the only thing I can really say is to not overthink it and just go with the flow, whatever feels comfortable for you will make for the most visually pleasing lineart too, in my experience! Coloring is something I’m constantly experimenting with as well, but there too my usual mindset is “the easier and faster the better” - generally, I just use flats and then add shadows on them with any color that goes from light blue to pink-ish purple on a layer set on multiply, anything that makes it look fancier than that is just me adding small details like sparkles or shines or anything of the like!

Anon said: GUESS. WHOS. GETTING. OLD!!! me. It’s me.

Everyone is! Constantly! It’s how the passing of times works, terribly enough

Anon said: hi!!! as someone who really admires you as an artist, has very little experience in art and would /really/ like to get better at it, i'd like to ask you: how did you get so good at it? (apart from constant practice, of course, i realize how important that is!) this is coming from someone who really has no idea where to start! what was your starting point, and are there any tips you can give a complete beginner like me?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm the thing is that drawing a lot really is all there is to it, but if I had to give one single serious tip for this it would be to find something you really really really really enjoy drawing and to just draw it - draw it badly if that’s the only way you know how to draw it, but make sure to always draw it while having fun, and slowly you’ll get better without even realizing you are. If you like a ship, draw that ship! If you like plants, draw plants! If you like animals, draw animals! It’s okay if you don’t know how to draw it, or if you feel like your skills aren’t good enough for what you mean to draw, because honestly I felt like that when I started too, and I still feel like that every time I pick up my pen, and I’m sure I’ll forever feel like that for as long as I’ll draw - my ideas will always be bigger than my skills, and maybe so will yours! So what’s it matter if you start drawing stuff beyond your skill level now or later? At least you’ll be having fun with it, and the only way to learn how to do something new is to go and do it, anyway

Anon said: hi! do you do commissions?

I don’t, sorry! Thank you for being interested, though!

Anon said: Hi there! So I'm rereading Quote Love Unquote (a classic for sure) and had the urge to go find the art you had made for it. And oops, like, two hours have gone by of me just scrolling through all of your older comics and art. I love it all SO MUCH. Your artstyle is just so damn enjoyable and all of your comics never fail to make me smile. I'm always looking forward to whatever you choose to make in the future regardless of fandom. Thank you for being awesome!!

God that’s such a nice thing to hear, thank you so much!!!!!! ( TT-TT)<3

Anon said: I made an ask before (u answered it dw) but u thought I was saying u missed my first one. U didnt! I was saying it made me so happy that u responded you’re an angel! Ily v much!!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh that’s good then!! that’s very very good!!!!!! ily too!!!! <3<3

Anon said: How can one's art be soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good?

Thank youuuuuuuu ;;;;;;;;;; I do!!! my best!! ( ;u;)9

Anon said: You like tododeku?

Yup!

Anon said: Zero grafity kisses are the opposite of the spiderman kiss

How so? :O

Anon said: Hi! This is seriously out of nowhere but I wanted to tell you I reread your Bokuto-Kuroo-Terushima tattoo au strip all the time because it's just so delightful and seriously cute. Polyfidelity is the kind of poly my partner and I practice and I don't see it played out too much, so to see a relationship like that with characters I love and an art style I adore fills me with such warm fuzzies. It's so so lovely. Have a great day!

I’m so damn glad to hear that!!!! In that sense that comic still means a lot to me, so I’m happy to hear it means something to you too!!

Anon said: Friendly reminder that I fucking love you.

I love you too anon!!!!!!!!!

Anon said: Ma lo sai che sei sempre più brava?

aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!! (TTATT) grazie mille!!!!!!!!!

Anon said: Hi um did you know that 🤰🏻🤱🏻 this lady had her kid?????? wtf i didnt know

I can’t even see the emojis from desktop lmao but good for her!!! 

Anon said: hot take: jirou, momo, kami, and shinsou in a poly relationship.

You know what anon, you’re incredibly valid and I respect you

Anon said: I just absolutely love your art! Whenever I see it, it makes my day! Your Kiribaku stuff gives me life! Keep making beautiful art, and stay safe during this time!

Gosh, thank you!! You stay safe too, anon!!!!

Anon said: HOW do you draw cloths

You keep in mind that gravity is a thing and let your hand do kind of whatever while hoping no one will notice you have no clue what you’re doing!! (...seriously tho I never studied these things I just do whatever feels like and hope for the best hahaha any experienced artist looking at my stuff is probably wondering what the heck it is that I’m trying to do...)

Anon said: Your style is so amazing and distinctive. Everytime I see it I’m like OH ITS THEMMMM and get super stoked

That’s so cool to hear!!!!!!! I genuinely have no clue what makes my art mine, but I like knowing people can recognize it anyway! It’s such a neat thing!!!

Anon said: Were you the person who did those "stopping an angry...." posts? Am I remembering this wrong? If that was you, where could I find those?

Are you talking about my bakuboys comic? If so then it’s in my bakuboys tag! :D

Anon said: Hey, you’ve seemed kind of tired and sad lately. I’m not going to ask you if you’re okay because you’re probably not, but I wanted to say I really do hope you feel better soon!

!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much ;;;; I’m doing my best!

[huaanonigiri]

guys I'll say this one and I don't take criticism, or anything bc I won't change my mind. But Wanda Maximoff is the most powerful being in the MCU that I know of. Let me expalin: like many other heroes in Marvel, she's got a lot, and seriously, A LOT of trauma that have characterized her and made her who she is,we know that right? so, my argument is: Wanda, even after all she's been through, after losing everything she held close to her heart was taken away from her, has managed not to only stay strong, but to show just how strong and how much she can do even at her worst. For example, after loosing Pietro, we can see how, when she had her breakdown while fighting, she kinda like, activated some type of power wave that destroyed all the robots around her (rrwatch that scene if you don't get what I mean). Then we have Inifnity war. My girl literally managed not only to stop/greatly slow Thanos from advancing while breaking a FUCKING INFINITY STONE while ALSO killing her love (and the last person that she held close to her heart), which caused her to literally have an emotional breakdown literally in the middle of all of this scene, and she managed to achieve that goal of sacrificing her love and break the Mind Stone before Thanos could get to it. and not to add that she had to Watch Visión die by both hers and Tganos' hands, since Tahnos sued the Time Stone to reverse time and all that (which FOEDNT INVALIDATE and all the fact that Wanda managed to successfully stop him and destroying the mind stone while having an emotional breakdown and experienced a traumatic event). Not only that, but, because of her emotional state, she managed to create her own fake/desired reality of a whole ass town (BEING FUCKING UNCONSCIOUS THAT SHE HERSELF DID IT, SHE HONESTLY DIDN'T KNOW WTF WAS GOING ON UNTILL LIKE, MID SEASON1). She also managed to fight an idk-how-old-but-surely-really-old witch that held a lot of knowledge about witchcraft (or well, the magic they possessed), more than heldef, who didn't even consider herself a witch, and come out victorious (and is currently learning from a surely-dangerous-that-contains-dark-spells spells book). what I mean to say is, Wanda, inher average, controlled emotional state, is very powerful itself, but when mixed with intense emotions she becomes a being so fesrfulling yet amazingly powerful.

Now, I'm sure many of you will come at me with soemthing about Thor or some other avenger. But let me argue with this: Wanda managed to unbalance Thor in AoU with her mind manipulation. Also, clearly has lost as much things as Wanda has, and I'm not trying to invalidate him, bc it's not about that, but he has something that she doesn't have: he has a new family, if I remember well after End Game he kinda joined (or went with) the Guardians of the Galaxy (but correct me if I'm wrong please). What I mean to say (regardless of who he ended up with), Thor was not left alone and found a place and people to be with. Meanwhile Wanda was all by herself: Steve: Dead. Natasha: Dead. Clint: unknown but surely being with his family and mourning Nat. Sam and Bucky (who were part of the CAP. Team so surely they must e bonded one way or another): not as close as the first three (I like to think she had a closer relationship with Nat and Clint, but still, even if that's not the case Clint had his own struggling and Idk why or how, but they separated paths, so that's that). She practically lost everyone who she held closest to her heart: Parents, Pietro, Vission, HER SONS! She was left to grief on her own with no one to reach to her, and while Thor has indeed lost the same things as her, he either already mourned them or (specifically in Loki's case) already knows how to deal with. But Wanda? no, she lost loved one after loved one. When she lost her parents, she only had her brother, and when she lost her brother she found love in Vision, died twice in a row (literally) in front of he, and after her fake/desired reality was broken because she unintentionally was hurting other and knew she had to stop, meanignt hat she didn't only had to let go of Vision, AGAIN, but also of her twin sons, of her PERFECT, HAPPY LIFE. Also, Thor is a God, so he obviously will be more powerful than mere humans, but that's the thing. For a simple human such as Wanda to be so fucking powerful, especially when her emotions are out of control (or even being aware of what she does), clesrly tells ME (and I enphasise in ME bc it's my opinion) that she is one of the lost powerful beings in the whole MCU (also, Thor missed killing Thanos the first time just bc he wanted to have some quick revenge talk, which was a mistake, and when he DID kill Thanos, it was never a real fight like in the end of Infinity War and End Game, so I wouldn't really count that. Meanwhile, I'm sure that Wanda wouldn't have hesitated even a bit, fuck revenge talk, decapitate the grape the moment the opportunity presents itself).

Also, if someone is going to mention Captain Marvel, my argument fort hat debate is that, as far as I know, CAP hasn't gone through the same thing as Wanda (unlike Thor), and her powers are always like, under control, because honestly, when you see when someone has true, strong power is when hey loose control of it (like when Wanda created her own fucking reality and mad eit what she wanted, which I really relate it with the Reality stone, but that's a talk for another day). What I mean to say is, Captain Marvel is strong, but when it comes to power, I honestly think Wanda has the upper hand 6and same with Thor, she's got the upper hand on both)

And this, people, is my analysis and explanation on why Wanda is the most powerful Avenger and character in the whole MCU (of what I've seen, since I havent like, watched or read ALL of what Marvel has). As I said, I take no criticism and I will not change my mind, also, this is MY PERSONAL OPINION, and I'm saying this bc I already see some ppl coming at me as I said the most insulting thing (everyone has opinions, and this is mine). So, all THAT being said, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk.

[little-things-count-the-most]

Yes, another Supernatural post, sorry

This is definitely some rough writing, but I just wanted to finally write about something that I think about a lot, when it comes to Supernatural. Specifically, why I liked the show so much (especially in my high school and teen years), and how that ties into my reaction to the finale.

From the very beginning, I was drawn in by the whole brotherhood thing. A huge part of the show is Dean and Sam’s relationship as brothers, right? I mean, it’s pretty much everything, other than hunting monsters, of course.

And that’s exactly what it feels like - everything. Your siblings are your first friends in life, and they’re always by your side. They’re the ones who can relate to you the most, especially when it comes to social, academic, or parental issues. (Don’t get me wrong, I’m also painfully aware of toxic sibling relationships, as well).

I grew up with three brothers. But... I lost one of them. So... watching Dean and Sam fight together, save people together, defeat the big, bad, scary monsters together... always made me feel better.

I could relate to their brotherly bond in such a raw, pure, and deep way. I acutely understand the grief they experience when someone dies. All those brotherly moments they have, whew boy, those always hit home.

Growing up... there weren’t a lot of shows that I could relate to, in exactly that way - I mean that specifically as a child who was experiencing grief (honestly sometimes I almost feel like it might even be a representation issue at times, but please don’t aggressively @ me lol I know there are far more important representation issues to focus on in this world).

If anybody actually reads this and is also a Supernatural fan, you might get this. You might know how a lot of fans see Spn as their comfort show. Spn is definitely a comfort show for me as well. We get to see characters experience trauma and grief, and we see them deal with it, make mistakes, learn from it, etc...

So naturally a significant part of the show that was very comforting, was seeing these characters, who have gone through so much, triumph over literal evil. Hey, look, they can still be successful and happy even though they went through trauma and grief! Well, not really, because the ending of the show was... well, that’s (mostly) for another post.

The point I’m struggling to get to is... I think... that the ending was so deeply disturbing as someone who feels familial bonds - and grief at loosing them -  down to their core, soul, guts, heart, etc.... 

The ending of the show was painful as someone who has lost a brother themself. There. I said it. TLDR, or whatever. (I feel like everything I’m saying is so obvious it’s dumb lol but I’m sure others can relate).

And the people working on the show have to know that a lot of fans feel this way. So then why the fuck did they give us an ending... like that? How could anybody see that ending as peaceful and hopeful? (I know it is in some ways ofc because God!Jack restores the population, but I know you all know exactly wtf I mean lol).

The ending is deeply unsatisfying in many, many ways (hello, Destiel? and all the loose ends / forgotten characters / OOC moments, etc...) but I wanted to take a moment to at least attempt to write a post about how the finale is also disappointing from a brotherhood and grief perspective, but specifically as someone who has lost loved ones before. Might re-do this post, as I am not happy with how I’m articulating myself rn but oh well lol

Anyway. Would love to hear what others have to say, if anybody sees this ~

[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anatomy 16x21 review

Wow just wow

We start with the most minor event of the episode.

___________________________________________

Deluca

Finally realized he needed help, I had kinda found myself on the 2 way fence with him because on one hand I knew that he was having problems mentally, but he was right and I've experienced people ignoring what I know and have to say because of my mental health, so I was livid that everyone was just ignoring him, but then I also could see where Bailey and the others were coming from. Deluca was acting quite irrationality and it's hard to listen to someone who seems so rash and aggressive as well as ignoring orders, allow allowing him to be around patients would have been a mistake, (that hospital has had enough bad press.) I'm glad he had his breakdown because now he can get the help he needs to function rationally, we can see that he's clearly an amazing surgeon and I could definitely see him going into the diagnostic aspect of things. That would be a great addition to Grey's If you asked me. He has a lot of potential to be a great surgeon and when he gets the help that he needs he can do even better because his coworkers will support him now.

___________________________________________

Teddy/Owen /Tom

😬🤦🏾‍♀️ (They actually managed to make me feel sorry for Owen.)

When Teddy first came to Grey's, I loved her she was one of my favorite characters despite the mess with Owen and Christina, she was sweet and peppy without being over the top with it and she was one of the most respectful women on Grey's but now just like Alex they just poofed away her character development. I guess I should be glad that Henry died because she would have probably cheated on him too. I couldn't believe that after sleeping with Tom she had the audacity to marry Owen that SAME NIGHT (WTF). How could she do something like that to anyone? That's low. At this point I'm thinking she should end up with neither and be alone because this is just a hot mess.

Never thought I'd ever say these words but poor Owen, this is the healthiest he has been in any relationship and I want to say he deserved it for what he did to Christina and then to his other girlfriend when he slept with Christina but then he just found out in the most brutal way, in front of all of his co workers who weren't buying the wedding gift thing at all, so now not only does everyone basically know that he was cheated on but he found it out at the same time as them.

Tom I feel sorry for but as the situation went further and further I started to feel a little less for him. He loves Teddy, yes but continuing to sleep with her when you know she's engaged and has a kid with them is down right awful. Then he went to confess his love for her and even after she turns him down he still sleeps with her. I was so proud of him when he had dumped her but now he's in the same position once again and also at the back end of the stick. Teddy is probably going to choose Owen just like she was going to in this episode.

They can stay in that circle but as long as Amelia is officially out of that mess at this point i couldn't be bothered.

___________________________________________

Amelia/Link

Speaking of my darling Amelia, she got her baby, a health little boy. I'm so happy for her, she even managed to have her baby without a hitch a rare treat in Grey's. When she walked off on her own after her water broke I'll admit I was a little scared. I love how they brought in Bailey although I would have preferred Link, I enjoyed the parallel they did between George helping Bailey and her helping Amelia. It gave me major nostalgia vibes that has now confirmed my urge to rewatch the series. Amelia trully was a trooper and was so adorable. The few moments we got to see with her and Link were adorable. They're going to be an adorable little family.

The baby currently has no name which is probably going to be revealed next season which gives them enough time to read all of the request that people have for the baby to be called Derek.I read someone saying the baby is going to be named after Bailey but I don't think so, Derek was her brother and besides Meredith already has a son named Bailey, three Baileys might be to much.

___________________________________________

Richard

Thank God he is alright, it turned out to be a hip replacement gone bad, (I knew the diagnosis would have been something I saw on House.) Deluca like everyone suspected was the one to solve the case. I'm glad it wasn't a wrong diagnosis and everything went well, but what I want to know is wouldn't he have been feeling pain in the hip prior to his episode because an infection gone that long should have been painful but Idk I'm not a doctor. He actually had very little screen time for being the major storyline of the episode, but this wasn't meant to be the season finale so I'm guessing they were going to focus more on the recovery.

Then there was him and Catherine, he put Catherine out which I guess was fair enough, his memories would have ended during the fight so he doesn't have any recollection on anything else. I'm glad that they're going to make her work for it a bit and more importantly that she's ACTUALLY learning her lesson. I do think they're going to end up together again. How?? Idk especially because I don't think money is going to be of much help seeing that that was a large part of the issues so she might actually have to work for it the normal way.

She's definitely getting there after all she was willing to step down from her organization to look after him and that right there is love.

___________________________________________

Meredith

Now I love Meredith, she's awesome. However, Her and Deluca...... am I happy that she was there for him? Yes, because no one else was on his side not even his sister, but at the end of the episode when he finally admitted something was wrong then would have been a good time to check him into the hospital. Taking him to her home isn't going to help. He needs an evaluation and possibly meds, especially now when he seemed to be accepting to the help. I just hope this isn't going to be another Alex and Rebecca moment again.

Dr Haynes asked her out, I don't know how I feel about it. I mean theh have cute conversations about their kids and past spouses. But besides that peek we got into his life at the convention, his only role in the show is to magically end up around her and I'm going to need more material on him before I can ship. Quite honestly I feel like Meredith is fine on her own right now TBH.

___________________________________________

Bailey

Finally listened to Deluca, I guess there were no chances to be taken with Richard, which is a very right way to go about it. And then she helped Amelia through her birth. It was sad to watch because not only was it a very similar birth to her own (besides husband on the surgery table as the patient) bringing up memories of her first birth. But she also had to deal with the fact that she would have been either just about due or already have delivered her baby girl around the same time but instead her baby is gone and she doesn't get to have that joy everytime they either mention or reference her miscarriage I die a little inside and when she brought up the pregnancy club😭😭😭😭 . She definitely was strong for staying through the birth.

(I still have my fingers crossed that they will adopt a baby or at least a younger kid, I've always wanted to see them raise a kid from young together. We only got peeks with Tuck and that's probably because his dad is still around.)

___________________________________________

Maggie

I was kind of disappointed with the lack of screen time she got with Richard, same with Bailey but anyway, what happened to her dream man? Where is he? I mean I know it would have take a while to settle things to take leave from his job,but no phone calls or any mention of him O hope the plot isn't just going to drop off.

___________________________________________

Jackson

Continuing the work of Mark Sloan, supporting his mother and possibly transitioning to Station 19.

___________________________________________

Notes and questions

What will Amelia's Baby be called?

How will Richard's recovery go and will he and Catherine reunite?

Is Meredith going to choose Deluca or Haynes? (Not gonna lie I'm tired of Mer a d love triangles.)

Who will Teddy pick? Tom or Owen? (I'm definitely over this love triangle as well.)

What happened to Maggie's new love interest? When is he coming back?

Is Jackson leaving for station 19?

Will Nico and Levi be in a relationship again?

What will happen with Jo and her new path in life?

Will Deluca get the help he needs and unlock his full surgeon potential?

[rosesloveletters]

🎫 here's a gush pass ^^ feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other selfshippers :D !!

I’ve been saving these for when I really needed to gush and that time is now upon us haha. I’m realizing now as I’m trying to type this that I am super bad at it; I’m going to use this one to talk about J, because I haven’t really opened up about him in a while. 

Also, please note that this is my own interpretation of my own relationship, so please be advised not to mention that in canon J is a ruthless, mass-murdering clown, because I know. I watched the movie :)

(this gif is GIANT but it gives me great pleasure watching him hop like that lmao)

By now, most of my followers and friends are well-aware that J is my main F/O and its been this way since last October (can’t believe one more month will be a year with him wtf?!) We’ve experienced so many changes and gone through so much together already; Pat edging his way into the middle of our relationship was one of the biggest, yet most positive changes we’ve had but I’ve got another one of these post opportunities saved for him ;) 

I think the thing I love the most about J is that he’s there and free of judgement any time I’m sick, suffering or totally and completely embarrassed over something. I won't bore or disgust anyone with the nasty details (mainly bc those are private moments and I’m not positing all my business online), but J takes charge in those moments and helps me through them. He doesn’t let my anxiety get out of hand and he doesn’t leave me to suffer in silence by myself. Sometimes all he needs to do is make his presence known and I’m able to cope just by feeling him there. I’m more aware of myself as a living, breathing soul because of him. Whenever something truly embarrassing happens to me, it’s nice feeling J there because with him there’s no judgement. He doesn’t care about a lot of things and doesn’t make a big deal out of them. Where some people might laugh or make me feel gross or inadequate, J doesn’t care. He doesn’t view certain scenarios the same way most people do. Being exposed to certain human emotions makes J rather calm because he doesn’t process them in the same way others do. J doesn’t actively take pleasure from other people’s misfortunes; he doesn’t think about it one way or the other. 

I can talk to J as bluntly as I need to and he doesn’t get upset or patronize me or give me any reason to believe my emotions aren’t valid. J is blunt himself and sometimes can be brutal in his delivery, but he doesn’t say words to hurt anyone, he just says what’s on his mind. Our relationship is open and honest because we can communicate on a wavelength that we both understand. We don’t have to speak “in code”, where we don’t really say what we mean and we have to imply what we want or need in underlying tones and phrases in the hopes that your partner understands you well enough to know what’s going on. No. J and I just...talk to each other. Not only are relationships build on trust, but also communication. It’s refreshing not having to read into what someone’s trying to tell you. J just says it. 

J lets me feel like the things I hold dear are worth their importance to me. He’s got a secret interest (and talent) for art so he likes to watch me draw or color, even if it ends up not being very good. He doesn’t make degrading comments about my interests or favorite shows, movies, books, etc. He doesn’t really bring these things up unless I mention them, but he listens. J is a good listener, even if he doesn’t act like he’s paying any attention. 

Some other things I hold as important about J:

He doesn’t make me feel bad for being a completely different person than him. 

He doesn’t force me into situations I am not okay with. J does like to push my limits and doesn’t care if I get a little uncomfy, but if its something he knows is beyond my limits he won’t go there. 

He’s very protective. I often have vivid nightmares (the most frequent scenario is a home invasion of some sort, followed by murder; not detailing this) and J puts my mind at ease from things like this. When I wake from something like this and I feel his presence, my fear melts away. 

He doesn’t exploit my weaknesses and use them against me. He could very easily do so, I mean...he’s the Joker. J gets bored with the usual reaction he gets from people and it shakes him up that I treat him like an actual person. He doesn’t like when people tell him he’s “crazy” and sometimes he’ll laugh about it while other times he just wants to be taken seriously. He wants to be listened to and communicated with. His ideas are so out there that most people who listen to him talk for more than five minutes decide they want nothing to do with him, but I just let him talk; His words are beyond the point of scaring me. 

He let me meet the man beneath the mask: Jack. The man he was before he became the Joker died long before I met him, but there’s still scraps beneath the surface. He’s human. He’s a person and he has thoughts and needs and ideas and goals. J and Jack go hand in hand and I won’t have one without the other. An outside eye couldn’t detect one for the other anymore but now that I know him, I can see him. Most of the time he gets pissed off if I call him Jack, so I usually only refer to him as J because he likes that. The other unfortunate situation we find ourselves in is that his name is Jack and my name is Rose and we both dislike the movie titanic lmao.

Most of my relationship with J is very private because I feel it needs to be this way. It means more to me that way and I feel I am able to connect with him more (and with myself) if I hold it close to my heart and not try to document every single tiny detail I can. I’ve done this in the past with other characters and they’ve lost their luster because I was too concerned with making it a show than with making it mean something to me. J means something to me and he is special in ways only I will know about, but I love him. I love that I feel so deeply for him and that I am able to be not who he wants me to be, but who I want to be and he is more than happy to stand back and watch. 

[yourpsychovengeance]

What I'm about to tell you is a true story. Please read until the end and share it to others to raise awareness.

⚠️ TW: R*PE, SU*C*DE ⚠️

⚠️ 18+ ⚠️

I was 5...

You're one of the people from church. You're a funny guy, I always enjoy your jokes and stories. One day you said you want to show me something good and I should follow you. I wish I haven't...

"Suck it, it's just a big lollipop."

"Yummy milk will come out, I promise."

"You wanna put it in here?... I'm afraid it won't fit."

"This is a secret for the both of us only, okay?"

The "milk" wasn't yummy at all and I've always wondered what would've happen to my fragile body if he really put it in. Now, it scares me...

You were never contented, you invited your friends one by one. They all did the same thing.

I regretted and wished I at least told my parents, but I didn't. I was a kid and I didn't know what's happening. He said it's just a game and it's normal. "It was done by many." And so I thought.

It goes on until...

I was 7...

You had the audacity to start your own family and moved to another town.

Even so, your friends remained. It got to the point where I became famous to the boys in our neighborhood without me knowing why. Sometimes, they call me "slut." And here I am with no idea what that means and why they call me that. It goes on until I was a teenager.

Every summer break, an uncle visits my grandma and stays for a week or until classes resume (he was a college student then). I play with him during summer break. It was fine until he found me asleep in my grandma's bed. My grandma was out to buy groceries and we are the only people in the house. All I remember is that I woke up with me lying on his stomach whil he's masturbating. I pretended to be asleep until he finished. At this point I don't know what to feel anymore. I felt empty...

Again, I never told my parents becuse I am a shy kid and I don't talk much about how I feel with anyone, even with my parents. The harrassment stopped when we moved to another town when I was 9.

I'm doing fine, I'm living how a child should be. Enjoying my time playing and studying. I was an honor student. Until I accidentally saw my uncle's lewd magazines when I was 11. I suddenly remembered everything done to me when I was younger. I got confused. I don't know what to feel. All I know is that is how I started learning to masturbate at such a young age. I remembered that I don't like doing it but I can't seem to stop. Sometimes I cry while doing it and I don't even know what to do with it. I'm not even feeling pleasure to it.

I live on with that ever confusing state with a young mind.

I was 12...

We now live with our grandma, back to the town we lived when I was young, because both my parents now work overseas. I don't know what happened to the boys who harrassed me when I was young and I don't care as long as they don't bother me anymore. Or so I thought...

My grandma has a brother and he's older than her. He even uses a cane to help him walk. One time he carassed my thigh while we were sitting. I was so shocked I don't know what to say or do. I've been taught that elderlies must be respected and obeyed or I'll get spanked. When he finally stopped, I immediately ran to the bathroom and cried...

I was 13...

This was the most haunting moment I've experienced. It still haunts my mind every now and then.

My grandma hired a maid. Our maid is young, she was only 17. We got close to each other and I treated her like my big sister. Like how sisters are, we both share our lovelife stories. It was fun, it's a typical teenage life, I even had my puppy love for the first time. He treats me well and he's a gentleman. Unfortunately, we broke up because his mom doesn't like me. Up to this day, I still don't know why she hated me.

Moving on... I liked our maid very much that I go with her even when she goes out during her day offs. One time on her day off, she went home because it's her sister's birthday. I was allowed to go with her and have a sleepover. I was happy. But today, I always wish I haven't gone there...

When we got to their house, they ordered alcohol. I'm not gonna lie, I drank too. It was my first time. In this drinking session, I met her family. That's when I met her brother, he's 24 and works as a driver. Their house is small, shabby and only made of woods and palm leaves. So when it's time to sleep, we all shared one room. They also don't have a bed so we just slept on the floor. I was so wasted that night. It was my first time drinking and I am in no good condition. As everyone was peacefully sleeping, her brother crept beside me and slowly pulled me to the corner. I don't feel good and was half-asleep but I saw him already half naked on top of me. I was about to talk but he covered my mouth with something. I don't know what he did to me but I felt really dizzy. I thought I might fall asleep of the dizziness so I banged my head. It was painful but I managed to slightly open my eyes. I'm still dizzy but I see him sucking my chest. I thought I'm making a lot of noise but nobody is waking up, neither can I talk. I am so confused at that moment. Why is nobody waking up? I was weak but I keep on struggling. But as I was struggling, he caught my hands and tied it behind me. He pulled my hair, shut my mouth with a cloth and banged my head on the pillow. From then on, all I felt was pain. He pulled down his pants and my pants, and he aggressively pushed his way in. It was horrible and painful...

I couldn't do anything. All I know is that I'm in pain and I want it to end. But when he finished, he showed me a cloth and said "Wow, look at all this blood."

I cried.

The morning after, I was silent. I feel so empty, my eyes is empty. I can still feel the pain. Our maid told me to pack up 'cause we're going home. As I was packing up, I heard voices from the window. I saw our maid's brother (the one who r*ped me) and the younger one. The younger one is pointing at his older brother saying "Wtf, she was just a child! That was too much, I can' t do this anymore. I'm so done with you!" As I heard that, I quickly returned to packing my bag. I thought to myself "I am so done with this family, I wanna go home." How could they? So someone was awake while I was suffering and he didn't even dare to stop his brother? DID HE JUST WATCH HIS BROTHER R*PE ME???

When we are about to leave, our maid's brother whispered to me, "Don't ever tell anyone about what happened last night or I'll kill your family."

We're finally back home and I don't know what to do. I was so afraid. I was young and gullible. I couldn't say anything to my parents or grandma 'cause I'm scared. But that night, I couldn't fall asleep. I decided to talk to our maid, that' s how much I trust her. But in the end, she scared me 'cause she boldly asked "Was it good? Did you enjoy it?"

I was speechless. They're all f*cking animals.

It weighed on me like a big boulder on both my shoulders. I kept saying it was just a horrible nightmare but the pain still lingers. Sometimes I slice my wrists or take unprescribed pills to end my suffering. But it just added to my pain.

On one of my worst nights, I contacted my puppy love and told him what has been happening. I know we broke up but we still managed to have secret connections that time because we still like each other. But guess what? He was disgusted by me and he never talked to me ever again since that night.

I lost all my confidante.

A few months later, my mom finally went home for a vacation leave. I cried to her. I just pretended I missed her so much that's why I'm so emotional but her maternal instict got to her. She asked me what really is wrong and that's when I broke down and told her everything. I even told her to keep it a secret 'cause I'm afraid they will really be killed by him.

Of course, she refused.

She contacted my father about it. My father was devastated. She then went to our maid and talked to her, I don't know what about or the details, but she was fired.

After they talked, they went to our maid's house. I don't know the details, all I know is that my mom is so angry and she is taking it to legal matters. She will file a case for what he did.

Sadly and regrettably, it didn't happen. The *ssh*le fled somewhere before he was taken by the authorities. Prior to my r*pe case, we didn't know that he was already wanted because of a m*rder case in another town. Up to this day, he is still missing and wanted.

I was 14...

Hisghschool.

When my puppy love never talked to me again, I lost all my confidence and self-love. I don't know how to respect my self anymore. I feel so dirty. I am a dirtbag, that's what I am. Because of that mindset, I ended up flirting around with boys. I've had many exes whom I let my heart be wasted on. I have never been single. If a boyfriend broke up with me, I find another to flirt with me. I lived my teenage life being a flirt, but I never let them touch me and sometimes that's one of the reasons why they broke up with me. I was trashed by others, they look down on me, but I felt nothing. I lost myself.

As I was fooling around, I met a graduating college student. He was one of our practice teacher. Before he became a practice teacher, we already know each other. We used to chat over the phone. We have a lot of similarities when it comes to interests and so we got close. Despite the age gap, I liked him. We hang out every now and then but he always keep me a secret. He never wants anybody to find us out. He wants to stay low from the crowd.

I know you're gonna say that after everything I've been through, I never learned my lesson. Yeah, I know. You can hate me but it's all in the past now and I've been better.

Going back to the story, I know it was a red flag keeping our relationship secret but I never mind it. I kept my mind clouded from thinking that I finally found someone I can get comfortable with. I am still such a gullible kid I wanna punch my past self.

Until he took me to a motel one time. He said we're just gonna hang out there because in that place, no one will see us. It is a huge red flag, I know what people do in a motel, but I went with him anyway. I really like him, you can say I was really blinded by this so-called love.

When we arrived, we just started watching tv. I feel awkward, of course, we're in a f*cking motel. It's the first time I felt nervous when he get closer to me. My intuition was right 'cause he started touching me. I am shivering inside, the nightmares from before is still lingering. But I distracted myself by thinking "This is for the best, this is your chance to fight your fear." (Yeah right,'for the best' my *ss.) but I still can't do it. I told him I can't and we should stop but he never listened. He started kissing me and kept touching me. I stood up and yelled "I said stop!" He became angry and that's the first time I saw him angry. He slapped me and threw me back to bed and told me "I know you want it too you dirty little slut. It's all your fault!" I was shocked. He's never like this before. I knew this was gonna happen. Regret came all over me and I started blaming myself all over again. "Yes, this is all my fault, I should just let it be. I am really just a dirtbag..." That's what I thought at that time. I felt empty all over again.

And since then, I became his s*x slave, I was afraid he'll become violent on me again if I refused. He even go for threesome sometimes. Worst, he lets me watch him have sex with other girls and tell me to masturbate on the corner. It hurts me a lot.

To this point, I began questioning myself why I always end up with these kind of guys but I also end up answering myself with "because you're a slut, a whore, a dirtbag, who wants to be with a girl who's already touched by many guys?"

I tried to commit su*c*de by cutting my wrists just to end my suffering but I ended up still living. I failed so many times that even in dying, I still failed.

I've been his s*x slave for how many years, I can't even remember. It all ended up when I finally stood up for myself and cut all communications with him. It's also an advantage when I moved out because he doesn't know where I live anymore.

He kept messaging me on social media but I always block him. I also changed my phone number. He finally stopped when I was a college student and knew better. I told him I caught STDs and I have proofs of him fooling around with minors. He was scared of STDs and his reputation being ruined. What's a f*cked up guy who always fools around but scared of STDs? Thankfully, he's a stupid f*ck who believed my lie. It's been years and he doesn't bother me anymore.

I told my story not to gain sympathy but to raise awareness and help encourage others who's experiencing the same to keep on fighting.

After everything I've experienced, I learned how to fight for myself in the end. I learned how to respond to these kind of people. I also didn't end up hating all men because I learned that there's still good men out there through my father. Besides, some girls are also capable to r*pe/s*xually assault.

This is what r*pe, s*xual harrassment/assault does to a person. We get scared, we get nightmares, we get confused, we blame ourselves. But remember, we are still capable to fight. You f*ck up the minds of the children you harrased/assaulted. It f*cks up their perspectives as a child. It's hard to fix. As I grow up, it was hard for me to regain my confidence and self-love. It was tiring and I even tried to commit su*c*de.

To all the people who experienced the same ('cause not only girls experience r*pe, don' t you ever forget that!), whether it be you're a girl or a boy or part of the lgbt, keep fighting for your life! Never give up. It was hard but I know we can get through it. I, myself, still have nightmares sometimes but I am now able to respond to it without breaking down. And most importantly, NEVER BE AFRAID TO SEEK HELP. If you need help, ask for it. There are still people who are kind-hearted. Therapy helps too! So please, don't keep it all to yourself. If you can't take it anymore, ask for help.

You can also message me if you need to. Spread love and not hate! Have a safe day.