#yeah i know there are other reasons to use hormonal birth control but thats not what this is about

[non-plutonian-druid]

Sex repulsed asexual AFABs, birth control, and "what the fuck am i supposed to do about that anyway?"

This isnt going to be answering that question. because i dont have one, and also im not even a little qualified to answer it. I'm just going to be talking about a gaping hole in every single resource I've ever seen about reproductive health, and why it bothers me that the hole is there.

(I dont talk on my blog much, and when I do its not usually serious or TMI, but hi there! this is serious. and maybe TMI.)

So first of all, for those of you in the audience who are not sex repulsed asexual AFABs, I'm going to walk you through the experience of reading resources on birth control when you are one.

You read a pamphlet or an article or a blog post about the options that exist for birth control. This is already a privilege, because many AFAB people have little or no access to any information about their own reproductive health. The pamphlet or article or blog post talks about birth control pills, or getting an IUD, the arm implant, patches, and so on. You say, "Cool. Is this something I need to worry about at all?" The pamphlet or article or blog post does not answer because the pamphlet or article or blog post is written with the assumption that all of the people reading it will ever be in a situation where they would have sex willingly. Possibly in situations where they would have sex willingly, lots of times. And you never, ever will.

So you're kinda left to just.... guess?

Should you do some kind of birth control even though it costs money, and hormonal birth control changes your hormones (a minor change to your body, but still a change to your body), and might even involve surgery, when you're not even going to want to have sex, just because it's physically possible to get pregnant? That's probably safest, but it feels like a waste. Should you ignore it entirely because it's not going to apply to you of your own free will? Seems a little risky but why would you live your life wearing a bicycle helmet in case someone forces you to ride a bicycle? Is there some kind of in between?

I dunno. I don't have an answer. I don't think the medical community has one, because I don't think the medical community, as a force, realizes that there are people that exist who will never ever want to have sex. And thats like... a problem?

It's not even only sex repulsed asexual AFABs who this applies to. That's just the Most Emblematic demographic that I picked out, mostly because I am one. There are asexuals who aren't sex repulsed who would still never have sex, and there are people who aren't asexual who are still sex repulsed, or who for one reason or another don't ever want to have sex.

Individual medical practitioners would probably answer this question if you asked them, but WHAT would they answer, and would their answers really be based on what is best for people who are never going to have sex, or just what everyone else should do because "yeah they might change their mind", or whatever their own personal best judgement is?

Let me give you a hint: i am pretty sure that zero research has been done on the best way for sex repulsed asexual AFABs to engage with birth control that balances both practicality and risk of pregnancy, so it CANNOT be the first one. Research about what the first one even is doesn't exist.

So like what do we do!! There might be a very simple answer. But we don't know what it is!! Even over the course of writing this, I've swung wildly between "it's smartest to just bite the bullet" and "no why would you when sex isn't even something you do ever?"And the places I'm supposed to go to get reliable information can't help me because they don't know I exist.

And this brings me to the more emotional, less practical section of my essay-rant, because the thing that I've been dancing around this whole time, which you might have picked up on, is the fact that the only time birth control for us would ever be useful is in case of rape.

Any birth control that you give to someone who can get pregnant but would never ever have sex willingly is in case of rape. If its a pill, they're taking the pill every day and every day it's because someone might rape them. If they're getting something surgically implanted, they're having that surgery to prevent pregnancy if someone rapes them. And for no other reason.

Hey, making decisions about the internal pieces of your body literally only because someone might rape you... sucks! it sucks to be thinking about and it is the ONLY thing for us to be thinking about. Other people who take birth control... it would protect them in case of rape but at least usually for them its intended purpose is for sex they want.

Thinking about birth control when all you would use it for is rape blows lol

[a-franciscan-spirit]

Hey, I am sorry to bother you, but I saw you rebloged something about PCOS and how you rejected birth control as a treatment, I am currently trying to find a doctor that will give me something other than pills and had no success, can I ask a little more about your experience? Thank you, God bless you!

Im sorry this took me so long to answer, but I felt like I needed to give it the time for a proper response.  Under the cut cause it got long.

I do have PCOS, as diagnosed the OBGYN who put me on the pill. Ironically, my mother told me “shes Catholic too, and its ok if its for medical reasons.” I listened; after all, at nineteen, I had no knowledge of alternatives. What followed was a period I call “The Dark Times”. Birth Control “balances” your hormones; sure, my periods were finally manageable, but over time, it started to eat away at my mental state. I became indifferent to things I used to valued; I allowed the wrong people to influence me. I made a series of poor decisions that led me into an emotionally abusive relationship. Its not hard to imagine how that further spiraled into a life of sin. I wont go into the details here, because that’s not what this ask is about. (No, my parents still dont know about this a decade later and Id like to keep it that way.)

When it finally manifested as a serious depression, my OBGYN simply prescribed me antidepressants. I was willing to take them because “most people I know are depressed”. But my mom was wiser than I, and rejected them. Much later I learned that antidepressants have a family history of backfiring drastically. My mom instead said, “something with this is wrong”, and started to do her own research. My mother has the medical knowledge in the family, and I am grateful that she has the wherewithal to not take doctors advice at face value. And to actually comprehend the research into alternatives. Through that, I learned that with proper diet, maybe a few supplements, and exercise, it was possible to reduce the symptoms of PCOS. Around this time, I had become somewhat despondent and was desperate for any way out of an increasingly bad situation. I missed being myself. Not one to do things by halves, I left my relationship, all the friends I had made during that time, and stopped taking birth control. (Disclaimer: please do not discontinue anything you were prescribed without a doctors supervision.) Oh yeah, I also never went back to that doctor. Occasionally the pharmacy will still fill my old prescriptions for BC, oops. Within a couple weeks of it being out of my system, I was able to be myself again. Surprising how such a seemingly small thing can make such a big impact on your life. With my parents help and support, I made it on my own for a long time. No doctors. I often dont trust them anyway, so it wasnt hard to avoid them.

Part of this process involved a good bit of trial and error to learn what diet and supplements would work best for me. This is not something I would advise doing without solid medical knowledge, because supplements may sound safe, but it takes a lot to make sure they dont interact with each other. I tried a few alternative hormone supplements, and found that a majority of them also messed with my head--which is one of the ways I know it wasnt entirely my own screw ups that led to The Dark Times, but that BC played a part in it.

When I did return to vaguely normal doctor visits, I simply refused BC. I think I straight up told a pushy doctor one time that it messed up my mental health, and theyve thankfully never pushed it again. Its worth doing the research to find a doctor who does not prescribe to the “BC is the magic answer to everything” agenda, but I realize this is easier said than done. Ive had good luck with naturalist doctors. In fact, the last one I had gave me diet suggestions, an additional supplement to take, and suggested metformin for my genetically high cholesterol. While unfortunately I am unable to continue seeing her (her office moved and its too far away for me now), I still follow the outline she laid for me and Ive been very happy with it so far. I miss her, she was good.

The up side is this: all of that information is now in my medical record, so even if I go to a generic physician, I dont have to repeat information. They already know what is working for me, and have chosen not to mess with that. Which may not be a common practice, but Im grateful for it.

Anyway, thats my imperfect experience... and I hope its somewhat helped you, even if I dont have direct medical advice. Just “do your research and be your own advocate!” I wish I had more useful information to share with you.

I think there are other Catholic blogs here who also have experience with PCOS and may be better able to point you in the direction of medical information to assist you. I cant remember which blogs those are right now, but feel free to comment or something with extra information if you have it!

As a last note, please, do not consider this post as me advocating for disregarding a doctors advice... mental health and physical health are important and you should be very careful in altering either of them... If BC works for you, then great. I just want people to be aware that it may *not* always be great and that it can have effects one doesnt normally think about. So its important to know your body, and your medical information, so you can make the best decision for you.

[edge-of-bizarre]

do you have any advice for periods or how the girls would handle periods for httyd

hell yeah. also you can prob ask @e--wills since she is the professional and i only know so much

I can only give advice for my situation, which is very close to the situation from hell but i was gifted with a very high pain tolerance, as in, i broke my hand and didn’t notice and 3 weeks later, i got it checked cause there was a bump, and the bump was the bone sticking out. yum

I have a very heavy period. VERY HEAVY. for 7 days. Those people out there “3 days at most”, how???? Well, luckily my pain tolerance is high otherwise it would probably be pretty debilitating

So! for this, i have a lot of problems when it comes to sleeping. No matter what size pad, there is always that dreaded splotch on the bed sheets meaning i have to do laundry. I prefer these memory foam kind of pads, but everyone has their own things, so i take the biggest ones they have, they’re like super overnight, and i got my granny panties, and i take 2 and put them end to end, waist band to waist band, and it goes from  belly button, down and around almost to lower back. I turn a lot, meaning i have to get everywhere, where as if you know you sleep on your back and you’re going to stay there, just put it in one location, same for the front.

Honestly, it’s just cause i live with my parents that i don’t bite the bullet and just buy diapers, i assume they do the same thing.... but i shall keep my dignity... for now

I take 3 advil before bed because pain and i’m 220 pounds. PLEASE WHEN YOU TAKE ADVIL TAKE THE CORRECT AMOUNT, there’s a warning sign for a reason. Make sure you have something to eat.

Tampons! Tampons can be very scary. I personally don’t love them, but i also swam for 12 years and you don’t take off swim practice for a period. Adapting to the sudden task came quickly. Tampons come in a variety of sizes and when you’re just starting it can be frustrating cause new territory. Try to map it out, use extra small ones, and then work up once you get the positioning right. just relax... remind yourself to relax and don’t force.

Also... Literally over the half the population has a period, people are so secretive and embarrassed. I was embarrassed! when i was younger it mortified me, but like... it’s not that big a deal? guys are big stupid animals who are afraid of what they don’t understand, so if they wanna be babies, just throw a tampon at them and they will scatter. I went from so embarrassed to not caring. You don’t give a shit when you’ve been at it for so long. I was waving a pad around in my hand on the way to the bathroom in the mall today because someone decided to come a little early. Also! if you are ever caught without a pad or tampon, definitely look for a women with a purse. 9/10 times they will have them, especially if it’s a mom. Mom’s don’t fuck around they are busy and they aren’t gonna be without. Ask them. Ask them very nicely, and whatever woman will immediately understand your pain and probably has been in your shoes.

If your period is very very bad, look into birth control if you can. Birth control can help regulate, or even diminish your period. Anything hormonal will do so, you just have to find the right thing.

I got a message asking what an IUD is the other day, it is an intrauterine device (iud), meaning it is a device that is inserted into your uterus. They can be pulled out when needed, easy peasy. There are two types, copper and hormonal. It’s a T shape wrapped in copper and can last for up to 12 YEAR! that’s bananas. It is not hormonal, meaning it won’t affect your hormones. Sperm don’t like copper, so the copper one makes it so the sperm can’t get to the egg. the drawback, is it can make your periods heavier. Everyone is different, so it could be easy for someone, or not great for another. The hormonal means they use hormones to prevent pregnancy, so it thickens the mucus that lives on the cervix, so sperm get blocked and trapped (i guess think of it as like... sticky paper for flies?) and sometimes it stops the eggs from leaving your ovaries, so there is nothing for the sperm to fertilizes. the hormonal ones range from 3-6 years i believe? so pop that bad boy out and put another in in 6 years, thats nice. or if you decide it isn’t your thing or if you want kids, you can get it removed earlier!

IUD’s are 99% effective, they can be costly but often they are covered by insurance so yay! you have to have a obgyn or doctor/nurse put it in and take it out, and of course, it’s birth control, so everyone has their thing that works! You just gotta figure it out

[thathumanwiththecatears]

its the night after my birthday rn as im starting to type this, and i have no idea if i will actually finish this tonight and post it or not so just for reference to see how long it takes me to talk about this its currently 1:43 am on 2/5/18 and everything id under the cut because its very long.

so, i want to talk about literally everything going on in my head about gender, and im not gonna leave anything out, not even the stuff that i would normally be really afraid to talk about on here cause i just need to put everything down in words. 

I currently identify as a genderfluid person who leans more on the masculine side. and just for clarification i will say i also call myself trans, trans masc, nonbinary, and genderqueer. I discovered that i was genderfluid in 2015 and i have been happy with that label ever since, of course with the normal self questioning every genderfluid person goes through. 

for kind of a while but mostly recently, i have started wondering if i am possibly also intersex. for anyone who doesnt know what that means: its when you are born with ambiguous sex traits, so that can mean a lot of things like different hormones and genitals and stuff. so apparently, most people who are born intersex dont actually know, and neither do their parents, because if there is anything physically “out of the ordinary” you could say, they will just do a surgery to fix it first. 

now one thing that made me think this was the fact that i have a hormone imbalance. and i havent actually looked into anything that much to even know if that is a sign of it, but what i do know is i was told to take birth control to fix it and i can not stand how it makes me feel. It feels wrong, sometimes it almost feels like my body fights with it too and like i have more testosterone because of it trying to counteract it. again none of this is scientific, i literally dont know how this shit works and feel free to tell me i am an idiot. There are also 2 other reasons i think this but im actually rethinking the posting literally everything cause im too uncomfortable posting about those two so im gonna not talk about them, but feel free to make up your own idea if you so choose, you will probably be wrong.

things that i had before starting birth control were: hair on legs and under arms growing really fast, i smelled worse, i will say i had a stronger libido, i had long dark hairs that would grow from under my chin and neck (not extremely noticeable but they were there), some hair on my tummy, and a few hairs occasionally grew in between my tiddies, and i had a VERY messed up menstrual cycle like i very rarely had periods. there are more things but at this time i cant think of anymore. these things have all like not stopped but chilled i guess, and i almost hate it?? which is one of the things that is making me more interested in trying to go on T. 

There are many things i want from T but also so many things i am afraid of. i will mention the stuff im afraid of first cause i honestly feel like that is an easier list for me to talk about. so big big one, is my hair, i am terrified to lose my hair. so much of my self confidence comes from my hair its not even funny. i rely so much on my hair. people always question if im drawing myself when i draw characters because all of them have hair extremely similar to my own, but i just love this hair, i always have, and the fact that i actually get to have this hair on my head makes me incredibly happy. 

another thing im less concerned about but a bit is my voice. i know that that is like one of the main things trans guys usually want to change but i like my voice. i like how it sounds, and i like to sing. im afraid of what my voice will sound like after, im afraid i will hate it, and the thing is, that isnt reversible, if i go on T and my voice changes and i dont like it, i cant just stop T and have it go back. that is a permanent change, same with the hair. the things im most afraid of are the permanent things so im very afraid of it.

face shape changing is one thing im on the fence about, on one hand i think it would be nice, but also, i like my face shape, or at least the face shape i pretend to have in selfies, but I also use makeup to make it more masculine and i love how that looks and wish it could really look like that. Because of the fact that im genderfluid not a trans man makes it so much harder. 

things i think would be fantastic though, a big one for me is getting rid of periods, and i know that can be done by other things but it is deff a huge plus to this too, you see I got really used to not having them like ever, and now i have them every month, and i cant stand it. this is also gonna be really gross but whatever, i dont even like, do anything sometimes. i will just free bleed, if im home, if im wearing one of the pairs of pajama pants that i know always wash out all the blood then i just dont bother with anything, i have a short and not too heavy period so i dont even ever bleed completely through the pants either, so it just kinda works. its just so annoying and i hate that i have to deal with it now. 

another thing is weird to some but body hair growth, some people hate it but i kinda like it sometimes, and if i decide i dont i can just shave it off and everything is great. also beards, i love beards, and judging by my family and the fact that my face tries to grow hairs without T tells me i can deff grow one. and again if i decide i dont want it i can just shave it off. 

body fat migration, to make me have a less feminine body, and muscle growth, are both things that on my fat ass body i dont think would make too much of a difference quite honestly, but would i be pumped to look less feminine and be able to get more muscle if i actually worked out? HELL YEAH. and im just gonna slip this lil thing in here i like the idea of the uh,,, growth, that happens else where but just my body changing like that makes me happy, i know for a fact that i want to get my chest removed because its extremely annoying and gives me dysphoria, and quite honestly my tits are fucking ugly, i dont care how body positive i want to be and how i support any other person with large breasts, mine are so fucking ugly i have hated them since they grew in.

there are a ton of tiny things too that change that i want and like also just the fact of having those hormones in my body would make me feel normal. estrogen doesnt make me feel right. it makes me feel like something is wrong with me, and like i have taken away a part of myself. i dont know how to describe it, but that “hormone imbalance” felt more “right” to me than this. i feel like im messed up now. 

im just conflicted. I want to be happy, I want to feel okay in my body, but right now i dont, and i also dont know if being on T would fix it, or give me irreversible side effects that i can never fix and leave me feeling the same way. I honestly just feel like i would be better with my “imbalance” cause that was the most normal i have felt. but apparently thats not “healthy” 

literally like the main thing here is im not a trans man, and im not a cis woman, and yeah i lean more on masculine, but will i regret doing things to my body that actually make me physically closer to being male. i dont know, and there is no way to find out without really regretting it. but im just not happy how i currently am either, so it just makes it so hard. there is like no way for me to be happy like this, i just dont even want to have a human body, i would rather exist as just a formless entity that has no male or female traits. 

this post didnt even help me figure stuff out. im still just as confused. I just want to be able to live as a man but keep my voice and hair, if i could do that i think i would be 100% ready to go on T. and these are such petty things and i feel so bad about being caught up on them cause trans men talk about how they are afraid to lose their hair but say how its worth it to them. and i feel so bad that i dont know if it is worth it for me. like i dont deserve to transition if i dont think its worth it.

it has been an hour now. and i think im done now. but i might post about this again.

[seouliloquy]

I am a complete disastrous wreck

I have been so depressed and so anxious and so apathetic, hypersensitive, easily irritated and downright miserable all at the same time for weeks now

My school has failed at helping me find a tutor for algorithms and seemed to given up trying at all since i havent heard from the education and learning center for two weeks now, despite them making false promises to get in touch with me soon about a solution to my problem.

I have skipped more classes this semester than ever on the excuse that i was not to be bothered to leave my room and needed a mental health day - which ends up being an even more miserable say because i feel guilt and shame and get even more nothing done than if i had been busy in classes. Othertimes i would skip so i could study for a test or take some time to actually be productive or get errands done that desperately need to be done during the day time that i dont have time to do.

I even called off work around 3 times.

I go to soccer to put off reality even more. I tell myself its because i’m a dedicated member of the team, because i need to social interaction, because it’s exercise and good for my health...but after practices i’m hardly feeling any better. I was coerced into playing goalkeeper in the freezing snow at the last and biggest most important tournament (all the more reason for me to be goalkeeper instead of anyone else because no one else can do it decently but me and i’m obviously not good enough to trust on the field so id i hadnt played keeper i likely would have barelt played at all and either way i felt like i wasted my entire weekend. In goal i hardly do much moving. They never take time to help me warm up. It was snowing and i’m standing there with 4 layers on still freezing my ass off and my toes completely numb and against Yonsei, the most important game, the 3 times i had to move at all i fucked up and let a goal in, letting us lose AGAIN and i know everyone blames me. Yeah i’m the better choice to do it but compared to the other teams goalkeepers i’m complete shit.

Whats the point of playing and doing something i’m supposed to love if doing it constantly makes me feel guilty and inadequate. I’m not skilled enough, i’m not fast enough, i still can’t fucking cross the ball and i still cant fogure out how the others who can do things well are so good at what they do despite the fact that i have 10 years of experience over everyone else...

Really the only reason i’d been going to soccer was just to escape from everything and avoid my other stressors because its all too much. I didnt have to think about algorithms or syntax or paying the tuition and rent bills or being lonely and unloveable.

I tell myself i go to the gym so i can have me time, to work on improving myself. Work towards getting the body that i want so i can feel more confident in my own skin. Work towards being stronger and faster so i can be a better athlete. Have a healthy routine so i dont develop athritis yet and have some stability to hopefully prevent flare ups.

Again, its jist another way to procrastinate. And even then i procrastinate or neglect going to the gym sometimes too. I survive off the temporary adrenaline high from cardio that tricks me into believing i’m okay when i’m really not.

Then i leave and i realize i could have spent that time getting extra sleep i need because my sleep lately is so poor and i never wake up feeling rested. If i didnt want to sleep then i should have gotten up and completed that homework assignment early or caught up on some studying that i desperately need to do.

Now with final exams looming over my head only two weeks away and i’m out of passes to skip class and i cant afford to cut my work hours anymore i’m stuck witg super limited studying time and no room to give and no motivatiom or energy to study when i should.

When i do sit and study, i cant concentrate. Nothing is retained in my memory. I struggle to understand things or comprehend a single paragraph of text and i fall asleep at my desk constantly or purposely distract myself with other things.

I’m gonna make a plan.

I’m gonna balance my budget.

Do laundry.

Clean my side of the room.

Organize my sock drawer.

Count my spare change.

Do some basic low-budget meal prep and pretend i’m actually going to eat less calories and eat less bad foods and treat my body like the temple that it is and feed it only the good stuff! Lies, she said, as she forgets about the container of a single overpriced cucumber in the fridge that cost 2$ and eats .80 cent ramyun noodles instead.

I keep forgetting to take my medicine - including my birth control- which i take for its contraceptive effects (like i could actually believe i’d be having sex anytime soon but at least i’m safe if i get raped because thats what i’m supposed to do, right? Be prepared for the worst) but i also take it to regulate my periods but i’m under so much stress and keep missing my pills thay my period is fucked up and my hormones are out of whack too only exacerbating my depression amd anxiett tenfold.

I have a fear of abandonment but i avoid getting too close to people because i know they are just going to leave me anyways. No, not leave. Forger me, dump me, use and dispose of me after my purpose is served.

I want so desperately to be the alpha female. To actually have my shit together and not merely seem like i do all the time. I want control of my life. I want to have less intense feelings about everything. I want to be invincible, admired and awed. Respected.

But what do i do to get that?

I’m mediocre at everything.

I dont have any special hidden talent. No one says, “oh you should talk to Lilo about that, she’s really good at that thing!”

I am a shoddy student and a shoddy musician and a shoddy artist and a shoddy athlete and a a shoddy cook and a shoddy friend (cause if i were anyone’s first choice they’d call me first for once)

I have no money, no academic merit or special skill set.

I’m completelt useless.

And i’m not pretty. I could get away witg being all of the above things if i were at least just pretty and still have a chance with society- getting a decent job, getting opportunities, being loved by someone else who isnt family....

In my current circumstances, how on earth is ir even possible for me to just “be happy” and “find happiness from within”

Being grateful for what i’m able to do doesnt help me feel better. It doesnt put things in perspective. I makes me hate this world even more that there even has to be people more worse off than me out there. I cant handle the cruelness and unfairness and superificiality of this world and all the people in it.

My body knows i’m not okay. My digestion is weird. My sleep and dreams arw wwird. My skin breaks out and i got hives on my hands and sores in my mouth from stress. I cry almost every day and spend the day with a tension headache from fighting the tears so i can appear “normal” in public because i’m embarassed and when anyone looks at me i want to scream at them and say “what daduq are you looking at, punk?” But i dont becauasw thats dangeous.

I’m just so sick and tired of everything and i’m tired of pretending. I’m tired of explaining myself because i’m not like my “normal” self. Where actually my real self is constantly screamig from inside my head and inside my chest to be let out like a child victim of abuse.

[jujubieberbae]

SEX TAPE

Warnings: Smut, Swearing

Request: could you please do an imagine where justin and y/n went for jog on the mountains in cali and when they reached to the top in a private space justin fucked y/n against some tree or whatever but a pap saw them and recorded it while y/n and justin never knew. and when y/n and justin are done fucking they went home and saw it on the media of fucking etccc.. you do the rest 😊 LOLOL IK THIS IS A STUPID IDEA😂😂😂

Its unedited so excuse any mistakes. And sorry for the wait, but im back Bitches!

***

The padding and crunching of our feet atop the layers of gravel that littered the familiar trail, accompanied by the early morning birds singing a sweet melody was just as sweet as candy to a child. It was a sugar rush. 

But in compose to a sugar rush for a child, it was adrenaline rush for myself.

The sunlight seemed to dance during this early spring morning. To weave and frolic with tongues of fire between the blades of grass. This morning, the yellow light was calming. The suns rays diffused softly through the gray curtains of clouds with a shrouded light that never failed to illuminate. High up in the treetops, the leaves swayed, but on the ground, the grass was silent, limp and unmoving.

The hilltop approached fast, and with the last few steps completed, a large and triumphant breath was released through my dry and scratchy mouth, so desperate for a sip of water.

“That was a good run.” 

The voice was so sweet to my ears, but so sudden after the hour period of silent running. My eyes trailed towards the figure besides me with a smile, as I walked forward, snatching the bottle half full from his hands. 

“Yeah, for you.” I scoffed. “I was struggling half the time considering you hogged the water.”

Justin’s smirk was undeniably attractive, his sweaty physic only making the sight so much as a delicacy to look at.

“Thirsty much?” Justin commented sarcastically but the hint of lust was hard to miss.

“Only for you baby.” I replied with a wink before gulping down a large amount of the water bottle.

It was silent from then on out, the early morning breeze brushing past the both of us - whipping through the green blades and blossoming leaves around us.

Justin was the first to act upon our setting, stepping forward on top of the breezy mountain until the entire veiw of LA stood in front of him, me following close behind. 

A sigh of delight was forced from Justin, molding a cloud of smoke to appear, re-creating the once invisible air into a smoggy form. His eyes danced around the city with the glare of the sun reflecting against his orbs - leaving his eyes in a beautiful bright honey colour. 

He may not be beautiful to himself, but to me, he was just perfect. 

His once distracted eyes finally caught sight of mine, furrowing in at the eyebrows as his mouth morphed a form of questioning. “What?” He wandered. 

“Nothing.” I replied breathlessly, “Just reminding myself of all the reasons I fell in love with you.” 

“Oh yeah?” He smiled. “Well keep trying, you might be here a while.” 

The lack of self confidence in his tone had a frown settling across my face as I peered up the handsome boy in astonishment. “Well, It really isn’t that hard. All I had to do was stare at your eyes for a couple of seconds.” 

It was silent for only a second, before I stepped forward, my gaze fully meeting his as we turned to face each other. “You really are perfect to me. You know that?” 

“I’m not perfect, but I don’t find it hard to believe you find me perfect, cause I think your perfect aswell.” 

This had me smiling like an idiot as we both leaned forward, capturing each others lips in a smile set with love and passion, soon falling into one of love and need.

I don’t know if its just me, but recently, I’ve been needing Justin a lot more desperately then usual. It had to be something hormonal, but whatever it was, it was driving me crazy. 

The kiss came to an end, leaving my slightly chapped lips pleading for justin’s as the cold air rushed of the swelling aftermath of the kiss. A whimper so slight but noticeable involuntarily rumbling from my throat. I wanted him so bad, and all it took was a kiss. 

“I want you so bad.” It escaped as a whisper, appearing shaky and unstable, as if talking to loud would leave me trembling at the knees. 

His eyes widened at my tone, obviously slightly dumbfounded at my sudden change in mood.

“Woah. It’s like we haven’t had sex in months, you’re really desperate right now baby girl.” Justin commented, almost in worry.

His voice had me pooling in my panties. This was not natural - nor healthy. All the boy did was talk.

“I know.” I whimpered. “I think its my birth control pills. There making me hormonal. But baby - I need you.”

In this moment, I could of sworn a flash of some sort was seen, but after a quick glance around, nothing was seen, and I had just passed it up as a reflection from the many car mirrors to far for the eye to see.

Justin’s frown of worry fell into a smirk, his face lighting up with smug lust “Well, happy girls are the prettiest girls. And I’m gonna make you elated babygirl.” 

His words hadn’t even comprehended through my mind before my back had made contact with the nearest tree. His hands trailed throughout my entire body, ravaging the skin beneath my shirt slyly.

His hands left heat in its trail, even with the morning breeze. It was magic against me, magic that was too addicting to wait on. His lips began attacking the delicate skin by neck, nipping and sucking on the tender flesh by ear and down my collar bone. He knew all the places that had me weak in the knees, and once realising he effect he had on me, hoisted me into his arms, supporting my legs as I wrapped them around his waist.

One by one, our sweaty clothes had found there way to the floor, until we were both left in nothing but each others arms, grinding our hips against one another. 

My wetness had his dick hard and his hard had my pussy wet. It was a cycle influenced by one another. Never ending.

His teasing had me moaning under his gaze, eyes dark and pure with lust, as I imagined his now buzz cut once long, and how messy it would be right now from my fingers. I wish he hadn’t shaved it, but either way he was hot. Hot enough to have me begging on my knees after a simple kiss.

“Stop teasing and just fuck me already!” I hissed.

My hips grinded against his in hopes that he would notice how much I needed him. He hissed, and in a sudden second, he had tightened his grip on my thighs and pressed me harder against the tree. The bark scraped and scratched down my back, leaving me with a pleasurable pain. Was it weird I found this oddly sexy?

His nails dug in to the skin of my thigh, no doubt leaving marks for memories on either side of my legs as he leant forward to press his lips in the valley of my breasts, right atop my tattoo. His kisses trailed higher and higher until my lips were aligned with his own. 

My back arched a little towards him, leaving him with nothing but the contact of my skin and hardened nipples against him, the feeling leaving him groaning against me. Quickly, his eyes dashed around the area of the hiking trail, finding no one who found an interest at hiking this early in the morning before he attached his lips to my own, and slamming his unnaturally large dick inside me without warning. 

“We’re back from our hike!” Justin’s voice echoed throughout the marble flooring and crisp wall panels. The cluttering of keys being placed against the kitchen island bench, followed by the shuffling of shoes Justin and I had both removed from our feet as we entered the abnormally quiet house.

That’s when the noise began, the screeching and giggling of the two children I had come to love as my own emerging from the living room and towards the two of us. Jazzy made no hesitation to jump into Justin’s arms, as Jaxo stuck his hads out for me to pick him up, which I did graciously.

“Hey champ!” I smiled, tickling Jaxons stomach. 

Jaxon giggled, throwing his arms around my neck. “Hey Y/nic/N.”

It wasn’t until I glanced up that I spot Scooter sitting at the kitchen bench, his head in one hand and scrolling through a page on his macbook with the other. Pattie on the other hand stood in the kitchen, hand fumbling around with her lip as she slowly paced. Thats when I realised, 

Something was not right.

“Hey, are you alright?” I asked pattied, heading her way to run her back comfortingly.

Patties eyes flickered forward in recognition, as if just realising that I was here before a small smile played her lips, but not wide enough to reach her eyes. Sadly, the moment was short lived as her smile fell into one of sadness - or pity maybe? 

“Me? I’m fine. You? I think maybe you should sit down for a second.” 

“Huh?” 

“Both of you.” Scooter added, motioning towards the grand lounge.

Justin and I eyed each other suspiciously, both slowly making our way over towards the living room cautiously. Both Pattie and Scooter followed along, and once walking into the living room, found Jeremy seated on the single seater typing aggressively against his phone.

Carefully placing the two kids down, Justin I sat next to each other, eyeing the adult carefully as we waited an explanation. Scooter seemed scared, almost conflicted and choked up on what to say. Thats when I really knew this could not be good.

Scooter began, “Justin-…No….Y-Y/N…no. How do I say this? Well, guy’s-” 

“Look! The paps caught you guys having sex this morning!” Jeremy yelled out from the corner. I hadn’t even thought he was paying attention to anything happening around him until now.

“Jeremy!” Pattie hissed, glancing towards the children. 

“Wait…What?” Justin questioned, shock rippling through every word.

“Sorry Justin. But you were reckless and someone had caught you two. It’s all over TMZ.” Pattie sighed. 

Justin’s once calm gaze morphed into one of panic, his body leaving the couch aggresively yelling “FUCK!” Loud enough for the kids to jump back from there game of rock paper scissors beside me.

“Calm down sweetie.” Pattie begged. Her eyes showed a form of motherly worry, but also slight fear causing me to shoot up and jump to the rescue. 

My arms flew around Justins body in comfort, feeling his shoulders shake in rage. I noticed everyone else glance around the room, nodding amongst each other before all exiting, taking the kids along with them, leaving Justins and I with a few minutes of privacy. 

“Justin,” I whispered against his body. “I’m so sorry.” 

Guilt had flustered my body at this point, and Justin had seemed to notice that. his gaze jumping up to look at me with his eyebrows furrowed in slight worry on my behalf. 

“No babygirl don’t be. This isn’t your fault.”

“Yeah but If I hadn’t started it this wouldnt have happened.” My eyes had filled with tears at this point.  

Justin immediately pulled me towards him, my face crashing into his chest as he hugged my head towards him. “Hey, hey. Stop. This was just as much me as it was you. I should have been more careful but there’s nothing we can do now.”

“I just wish we could go back and fix things. God I hate how nosy people are!” 

“It’s okay baby girl. Hey look at me.” My eyes trailed to his, ones with hope and reassurance that everything would be alright in the end. “Listen to me, shit happens that’s just what comes with being apart of my life but we’ll get through this together. okay?” 

I stood staring at the beauty in front of me, amazed how he can make me feel so secure in a time of insecurity especially after finding out half the world has seen me naked at this point.”Okay.” I agreed. 

His arms pulled me tighter against his chest, voice soft.

“Good.” He responded. “And beside, I wouldn’t want to go back and change it even if we could. That Sex was bomb.” 

My hand met his chest, a small clap made at the impact. 

“Alright, sorry.” He chuckled. “But it’s still true.”

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[tumblunni]

MAN I tried messing around starting newgame plus on Digimon Cyber Sleuth, even though I’ve played more than enough already so I’m not really gonna play again so soon after finishing. And... WHAT THE HELL?? Seriously this is like a one game microcosm of how you don’t realise how much you’re being mistreated until you see how the other side lives. Specifically on the subject of weird minority stereotypes... The difference between the designs/animations/general presentation of the two gender options is REALLY BIZARRE?? I had no clue! Playing as the girl you just kinda think ‘yeah thats weird maybe’ but you dont realise the dude doesnt have the same problems. Like... she VERY MUCH suffers from the ‘miss male character’ trope. She’s the weird sort of ‘lol sexy genderswap deviantart fanfiction’ version of a female option. I thought I was just reading too much into it with how the girl is posed like a supporting character on the boxart and literally never appeared in any of the promotional material until the game came out... Its just so... ODD! Everything EVERYTHING about her is defined to be this overthetop stereotypical idea of ‘we have to let them know she’s the girl version’. She’s far more sexualized, she always does these ‘girly’ or ‘hot’ poses for LITERALLY EVERYTHING! Like, the dude’s animation is just running but she has to run with her arms wide out to the sides, skipping like a five year old and swaying her hips. And her standing pose also has the hands out, her toes inturned, her chest thrust forwards and this general sort of ‘tee hee hee’ thing?? It really REALLY started to bug me how her chest is ALWAYS thrust forwards, I started to get super anxious about ‘holy shit am I ever doing that when I walk and i dont know it? is this really how female bodies are supposed to work??’. Its like her resting pose is this thing and its extremely painful for her to fold her joints back into a normal mode. And she’s always always posing when the dude isnt posing AT ALL, even her selection screen image is her doing the ‘one leg bounces back while you kiss someone’ type pose, contorted into a wild accordion while he’s just looking at the camera. I jsut... didnt even realise what was bothering me so much about playing as this character, til i saw the total absence of it on the dude... SERIOUSLY! He doesnt have some overstereotypical super huge macho animation set, his design isnt made to yell ‘I’M MALE’, he isnt sexualized, he isnt the ‘one body type everyone in this gender has to have’. He’s a scrawny androgenous waif that could have worked equally well if you slapped the label female on that design, somehow to make him female they decided they had to scoop out holes in his waist and hips and shove them on his chest. While also adding a bazillion extra animations that make her walk around everywhere like that one damn gif of terrible ragdoll physics as some guy walks down a road. I did not understand that whole assassins creed controversy about ‘but women need more animations, it’d be too much work to add them’. NOW I UNDERSTAND. Why on EARTH do they think they need these animations?? Women dont have to do everything differently to men to prove theyre women, in real life literally nobody worries about accentuating stereotypical gender roles while doing COMPLETELY NORMAL THINGS. Women dont put huge effort into looking cute or sexy while they’re just frickin walking down the street or standing alone in the privacy of their own home. Its like these people know so little about women outside of hollywood femme fatale movies that they legit think that sort of walk cycle is biologically ingrained into one gender???? The fact nobody ever acts like macho bodybuilder walk cycles should be given to normal tiny teenagers in every situation makes it pretty clear the difference here... And seriously, what is even this universal THING that ‘male are default, you need to mark a character as different to show she’s female’? Which usually means making her more feminine than the real female actor playing her, like that even makes a damn lick of sense :P I mean seriously if we’re gonna talk actual biology, men are the ‘different’. A species cannot exist with only men, the only one sex species are all female. Or lack a sex, or contain both sets of genitals. Also there is at least one bird species that has two male genders as well as female. And male seahorses get pregnant, and male clownfish can physically transition into females as part of their natural life cycle. And all sorts of far more diverse things we humans can barely understand! And like... you can say ‘women are the different and men are the blank, because women have boobs and men don’t’. But you can also say that women are the default because men are the same thing with penises added. And seriously, boobs are just nipples that actually serve their intended purpose. Women have this extra function compared to men because MALE BREASTS ARE VESTIGAL! The organ still exists, it just sits there doing nothing and never changes at puberty. (Though even that is more fluid that you’d expect, there are ways to induce lactation even if you’re a cis man. i dont really know why anyone would want to do that, it wouldnt exactly work as well, but whatever.) Aaaaand OF COURSE this entire thing is a stupid argument anyway because it only talks about biology, which is not the same thing as gender. Not to mention that biological sex isn’t all cut and dry either, the human species has A LOT of different intersex conditions. You can even have people who don’t have significant enough outward symptoms to be recognised as intersex at birth, who go their whole life thinking they’re a cis male only to suddenly find out they had an undiagnosed hormone condition and are technically a trans man. There is most definately no magical biological guideline for how men and women act. Especially frickin stupid nonsense like overspecific cultural guidelines on what’s cute for a woman to do while running, geez. You really can;t just ‘tell’ that someone is ‘really a woman’ or ‘really a man’ cos of how they act, and thats why this stuff pisses me off even when the story isnt saying anything about trans people. I’m so used to seeing this overexaggerated japanese concept of feminine/masculine mannerisms being used on trans stereotypes, it bugs me even seeing it being done to cis women... gahh this has gone wildly offtopic and I’m just venting Everything Bad About Stereotypes rather than the specific thing about this specific game I need to logoff and go cheer myself up. OH BUT yeah this game also literally has a friggin ‘we can tell this man is really a woman because mannerisms’ scene :P which also dissappointed the hell out of me cos it seemed like a trans character and instead it was the cliche I Had Some Reason To Pretend To Be A Man thing... Also apparantly instead of acting like that male persona, the male persona was magical brainwashing virtual reality stuff. What a wasted opportunity! You could have told us a lot of stuff about her personality from comparing how she acted while under this other fake personality, and what it implies she hides from other people. Like ‘hey, maybe she actually can be confident as long as she’s wearing a mask!’ Nah, everything badass or tough or sassy she did was just mind control. And she’s not trans. And blehh being outed by ‘acting like a girl’... Its so weird cos the game actually does have one trans npc in a sidequest, and has trans themes with a few major digimon. In the sense that they were male in previous seasons and have designs considered ‘masculine’ but take female forms when disguising themselves as humans. (and the player-controlled versions of these digivolutions even have different masculine voices matching earlier seasons!) Gahhhh at least I can sit here hugging my ambiguously genderqueer alphamon headcanons and nobody can tell me those arent canon cos the question was never answered either way! I hate the cliche answer that ‘yes all alphamons are male cos they ‘look male’, this one was just a man disguised as a woman’, but still even if that was the intent, it means the character is trans coded! EITHER OPTION IS TRANS TIME protect me, alphamon protect me from super gender essentialist game how do you even EXIST in this game?? seriously even your human disguise was super fanservicey weird female stereotypes mannnnnn i guess I had a few problems with this game aside from the one stupid rape scene :P aaaaand the problem of the game clearly being written assuming nobody would play the female option, so characters still constantly call you ‘he’ and such the only good consolation being that the game accidentally becomes Hella Gay, though I would have preferred canon lesbians instead of this weirdness WHY CANT FEI AND YUUKO BE CANON IT GOT SO CLOSE TO BEING CANON THEN FEI DISSAPPEARED FROM THE PLOT FOREVER only reappearing as a postgame newgame plus bonus boss that makes it impossible to complete the damn Masters Cup damn you fei damn you awesome amazing hella gay fei whom i love you deserved to be in a better game you deserved to be the matt-esque rival, i will never forget that you started off teasing that role and then just vanished... HELL, CAN SHE BE THE PROTAGONIST OF A SEQUEL OR SOMETHING game entirely about her and yuuko’s amazing story of love! also alphamon wandering in just to yell ‘I AM CANONICALLY TRANSGENDER’, make everyone a cup of coffee, and leave aaaaa why did i spend so long rambling every single complaint about this game, games in general, gender stereotypes in gender, life in general... its weird how just realizing ONE THING about a stupid walk cycle animation made me realise my general nebulous feeling of uncomfortableness that I could never explain about this game :P I am really excited for digimon world next order being better than this!