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wardenparker · 2 years

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Surprising Reunions, part 1

Joel Miller x Dieter Bravo x female reader Co-written with @absurdthirst

Rating: E for Explicit! 18+ Word Count: 19.1k Warnings: So so so much cursing, homophobia, hate speech (against gay characters), mentions of domestic abuse (parent/child) and alcoholism, references to drug use, extremely overt flirting, underage sexual activity (MM), oral sex (m receiving), angst, extremely brief mention of suicidal ideation, Summary: Joel and Ellie stumble across an occupied hotel in their journey west, and Joel is astonished to find that the inhabitants are his ex-boyfriend Dieter Bravo and his wife. Notes: About a month ago a lovely anon dropped into my askbox with the surprise idea of a Joel x Dieter pairing and Keri and I just about lost our minds over it. What was born in our minds as a smutty little one shot has become a two-part field day of feelings and tension. And I gotta say? I love these two guys together.

The world as it was twenty years ago is broken. Irrevocably so. However, in many ways, it’s a lot smaller than it was back then. When people scattered and the only way you found out about them was if someone else had known them. Travel was dangerous, friendships now vital for survival and yet, Joel found himself both traveling and forming a bond with a mouthy, moody teenager that liked stupid jokes that he would secretly grin over and shake his head at how much she reminded him of him. And Sarah, but mostly him for the simple fact that she had the same resilient fortitude that he had admired when he was friends with the one openly bisexual kid in Austin, Texas in the early nineties.

"Hey Joel." Ellie sidles up next to the older man as they walk, her steps invigorated with the physical need to tell the joke she's just dug out of the depths of the book she keeps squirreled away in her backpack. She's been saving it for a good time and Joel looks particularly grumpy today. Although that's really just the way his face is. "Joel." She hops in front of him and starts walking backwards with a grin splitting her face open. "Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?"

Joel rolls his eyes and lets out a long-suffering sigh. Even though he knows the answer to the joke, he gives her a look of confusion that would rival the best Bowie High School drama club, of which he had been very familiar with. “Why?” He huffs at her.

The way she snickers and giggles so much that she can barely get out the punchline is half the joy of the whole moment, until Ellie finally bursts out with: "Because the pee is silent!" And doubles over cackling with glee as they continue down the road.

“Jesus Christ.” Joel readjusts his pack on his back and turns his head to hide his own grin. “Your jokes are horrible.” He grumbles at her when he finally looks back at the laughing teenager.

"Then why are you laughing?" She shoots back, long since having learned what it means when Joel hides his face from her after she delivers a particularly groan-worthy punchline. "Ya old softie. Laughing at bad jokes."

“You’re an idiot.” Joel rolls his eyes again for good measure and is once again reminded of when he was accused of being a softie by someone else. Why he was on Joel’s mind, he couldn’t say. Maybe he was getting sentimental in his old age.

"You like it." There isn't an ounce of doubt in her voice, like she knows damn well that he would have gotten rid of her long ago if Joel didn't have some kind of attachment to her. It's probably true. Promise or otherwise, there are plenty of times he could have left her behind, but he hadn't. They walk a little longer before Ellie opens her mouth again, this time with a frown on her face. "It's gonna start getting dark soon," she observes, looking up into the sky. Normally this is the point at which Joel starts looking for someplace to make camp. "There was a sign for a hotel back there. Like a half mile ago, I think?"

“Yeah.” Joel frowns and nods up ahead. “Should be about half a mile up the road.” The crumbling, overgrown road isn’t a major highway, but it had been void of people and infected so he counted that as a blessing. “Looks to be a fancy place like you wanted to see.”

"Cool." Ellie swings her arms and takes a few steps faster than the last. "Maybe the beds won't all be disgusting. I'd kill to sleep on a mattress tonight instead of the ground."

Joel snorts. “Who the hell are you tellin’? My back is killing me.” There’s not a day that goes by that something doesn’t ache, but he just pushes through. Still, it’ll be good to get a good night's sleep.

“Old man.” Ellie snorts, although each time she says it it’s slightly fonder than the last. Like she’s finally accepting the fact that the old curmudgeon isn’t that bad.

“Fifty-six years old.” He grumbles, shaking his head again. Maybe the hotel would have some canned goods they could pilfer. Nothing like a giant can of green beans or corn to fill the kid’s stomach.

“Old old man.” Ellie corrects herself with a smirk. “Ancient-as-fuck old man.” The hotel that appears on the horizon as they walk is about a hundred years old from the look of it. Art Deco outsides far from the glory they once exuded and probably housing nothing but dilapidated shadows of a world long gone. Still, it’s standing. And it doesn’t have any holes missing from the look of it, so that’s better than a lot of places they’d been up until now. “Coooool!” Ellie crows, getting a good look at the sign as they walk. Once upon a time, the light-up marquee would have announced The Promenade loudly and proudly. Now it’s rusty, but at least it’s still standing.

“You know the drill, kid.” Joel cautions her as they draw closer. “We scope out the interior, look for food and then we’ll get set up with a place to sleep.” The wariness in the pit of his stomach is common every time they do this, but it makes him more cautious as he squints to survey the surroundings.

“I know.” She nods, having agreed long ago that what Joel said was law. Even if she pokes and prods at him sometimes, she’s learned that setting up camp isn’t a good time for teasing.

“Good.” He smirks slightly. “Maybe we can order room service.” He jokes, noticing a glint of metal on the top floor and he stares hard at it for a moment before he realizes it’s a piece of aluminum from the air conditioning units on the roof.

“Oh, sure.” That makes Ellie snort and roll her eyes. “A bacon cheeseburger and all the fries I can eat and an ice cream sundae.” Things she had really only read about in books or saw on signs as they traveled. What she would give for one of the roadside McDonald’s they found to actually be operational.

“Extra bacon.” Joel agrees, nodding. “With ketchup and hot sauce on the fries.” Too bad the kid couldn’t have actually had something like that. She would love it.

“Goddamn I want to try French fries.” Ellie grumbles, only to have Joel put out his hand to silence her a second later. He must have seen something inside. The large glass panels in the tops of the doors give you a decent view of the lobby from outside.

“Take your gun out.” Joel orders, pulling his own revolver out so he holds it in his hand as the pace slows. Approaching the doors quietly and listening as he looks through the dirty glass.

Ellie gulps, complying silently and falling in line behind Joel. He doesn’t like her to even touch the gun she carries unless absolutely necessary, so the time for teasing is definitely over. Inside the windows they can make out two figures. They’re not heavily armed from what Joel and Ellie can see, and they don’t seem to be aware of their fast-approaching visitors. Are they— dancing? “The hell?” Ellie breathes out, almost laughing when she realizes yes – that is just a couple of weirdo adults dancing inside that abandoned hotel lobby.

“Fucking hell.” Joel narrows his eyes and searches for any signs of it being an ambush. He’s seen weirder ploys to catch people off guard. “Don’t fucking speak.” He warns as he decides if it’s better to go inside or find somewhere else. Except there’s nowhere else for miles. The decision is made by the dark clouds off to the west and he sighs. “Okay?” He turns and looks at Ellie seriously.

Ellie nods, making the motion of zipping her lips shut and throwing away the key. The last thing she wants is to get shot. She’s not immune to that.

Joel sighs before he grabs the patinated handle of the heavy front door and yanks it open. “Quit moving, turn around.” He orders, quickly stepping through the door and leveling the gun at the man and woman in the lobby.

“Jesus fuck!” Dieter doesn’t mean to be so startled – it happens easily these days – but he does feel like an ass for dropping you when someone bursts through the front door of the hotel that hasn’t seen any other occupants in seven years. “Don’t shoot!”

“Fuck—fuck!” You scramble to your feet, grabbing a pistol of your own off the nearby check in counter. “Who the fuck are you? What do you want?” The words are a demand as you put yourself between this newcomer and the man you’ve lived with for twenty-five years. Not a stitch of armor on you but it doesn’t matter. You’d take the bullet if it came to that.

“Are you alone?” Joel demands gruffly, his eyes darting between the two of you before he narrows his eyes and leans in. “D-Dieter!?” he spits out. “Is that you?”

The man behind you sticks his wary head out, always suspicious of anyone who recognizes him, especially twenty years after the world more or less ended. “Fucking—Joel?!” He chokes out, nearly shouting in your ear and pulling on your arm. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay. He’s—he’s okay. Holy shit man.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, that is you.” Joel doesn’t know who the fuck you are, but he knows anyone with Dieter isn’t a threat to him. Holstering his gun, he shocks Ellie by rushing forward and grabbing Dieter to pull him into a bone crushing hug. He was probably the last person he had expected to find on the road to Wyoming but he’s glad to see him.

It’s debatable who is more confused - you or the teenager that has been trailing behind this Joel - and you and she find yourselves pointing your guns at each other for a moment while the two men embrace before you click the safety back into place. If this is the Joel that you’ve heard about, you’re safe. If it’s someone else, Dieter will explain. At least the kid has the decency to pull the door shut behind her after she lowers her own gun.

******

“Stupid faggot.” The words are accompanied by another punch to the stomach and gangly Dieter Black doubles over with a grunt of pain. The group of kids surrounding them weren't exactly coy in their dislike of anyone different from them and Dieter had become their latest target. Mike Robinson laughs and pushes Dieter back against the lockers, smug and leaning into his personal space as he gasps for breath. “What’re you gonna do, bitch boy?” He taunts. “Cry? Piss yourself?” He draws his fist back again, ready to break the queer’s nose when suddenly someone shoves through the crowd.

“Fucking asshole!” Joel wasn’t as stocky as Robinson, but that was because he ate less McDonald’s and was on the baseball team. Fury twists his features, and he doesn’t hesitate to use all 5 '11” of his frame to shove the other boy away from Dieter. “Why don’t you fight me?” He challenges, bowing up slightly and using his broad frame to look bigger. “I’m not your size, but I’ll wipe the floor with your ass, pussy.” He spits.

“Gotta teach the fucking faggot a lesson!” Robinson barks, though his fist does lower slightly after scrabbling to his feet. Miller has a reputation for ending fights even if he wasn’t the one who started them.

Dieter slumps when Joel’s bulk comes into view, knowing that - for now at least - he’s safe. Miller has never said much beyond fending off the bullies, but Dieter is grateful. Offering to help the baseball star pass English out of gratitude for saving him from a few ass whippings.

“Gonna have to go through me, fat ass.” Joel scoffs, sending him a smirk that tells the kid he would like nothing more. Coach Johnson couldn’t risk Joel not playing in Friday’s game considering he had the highest batting average on the team and was currently on a hitting streak. Not this close to the championship. So this little incident would be swept under the rug. “What’s the matter? Pissed off that he wouldn’t kiss your shit smelling mouth?”

“As if I would ever fuckin—” Robinson sputters, looking to his goons for back up but they’re no help. They don’t want to get their asses kicked by Joel Miller anymore than he does. “Filthy fucking queer!” He spits, pounding his fist into the locker beside Dieter’s head so hard one of his knuckles makes a dent. It’s worth the pain for the way the little worm squirms and flinches. “C’mon boys,” he orders his cronies. “You’re lucky I’m feeling fuckin’ nice today, Black!”

Joel clenches his fists as he watches the bullies turn around and stride off like they are being benevolent. He doesn’t say anything, although he wants to. Only when they turn the corner does he glance over at Dieter. “You alright, man?” He asks gruffly, bending down to pick up the backpack that had been knocked out of his hands.

“Yeah.” Dieter sniffles, hiding his face from the other boy. It doesn’t help his case at all that the one person who keeps saving his ass is the one he’s always fantasizing about. “Yeah,” he mutters again and reaches for his backpack. “You don’t have to keep doing that, ya know.”

Joel looks over at Dieter and notices the fading remnants of a black eye and his jaw clenches slightly. “Yeah I do.” He lets go of the backpack and steps back.

“They’re gonna start thinking you’re my friend.” He protests, knowing that that wouldn’t be good for the athlete’s reputation. To be known friends with a drama geek loser who routinely gets beat up wouldn’t be good. Even Joel Miller couldn’t survive that for too long.

“Fuck ‘em.” Joel shrugs and rolls his eyes. “I can kick all their asses and if they keep fucking around, I will.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks around, the halls now deserted. “You headed to science or theatre?”

Dieter stares blankly, wondering how Joel knows his schedule, before he re-composes his face and stammers out “Th-theatre.” He shuffles his bag higher in his shoulder and glances down the empty hallway. “You?” He pretends not to know. That he doesn’t have his impossible crush’s schedule memorized. This is Joel’s free period, which means he’ll probably be going down to the gym.

“Free period.” Joel offers. “Plannin’ on going for a run out in the woods past the baseball fields.” He turns towards the theatre hall and starts walking. He gets three steps before he realizes that Dieter isn’t coming and turns back to look at him. “You comin’?”

“It’s the other way.” Dieter feels like an idiot, pointing his thumb in the direction of the locker room and the front entrance of the school where he would have to go out to go for a run. Theater classes are in the auditorium, which is the exact opposite direction. “You’re—you— you’re going the wrong way.” He stammers out, eyes down on the floor.

“Walkin’ you to class.” Joel tells him, like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “So you don’t have to worry about those assholes.”

"Oh." He feels like a moron, and it probably shows on his face, but Dieter rushes to get in step with Joel. His pathetic little crush might be miles out of reach, but he's not stupid enough to turn down the opportunity to spend just two more minutes in Joel's shadow. "I—um...thanks."

“No problem.” Joel isn’t great with words and comes off sarcastic half the time and angry the other half, but he gives a huff that could be interpreted as a small sound of embarrassment. “They’re wrong.” He says after a minute and a hundred feet down the hall. “About you.”

Dieter's eyes flash up to Joel's face, and though both boys are the same height, Joel is built broader and stronger than Dieter is. He feels downright gangly next to the athlete. "No." He mutters, shaking his head. "They're not. That...that's the problem."

“What? Because you're gay?” Joel huffs, shaking his head. “That’s not true because I saw you making out with Tabitha Nuñez last month.”

"Except..." It makes his stomach twist, never having said any of this out loud to another person. He's read the words, or heard them said, but owning them himself is an entirely new experience. "I kind of am. I mean...you can like both, ya know? It's possible. So they're kind of...half right."

“So?” Joel’s stomach twists and he shrugs again. “Doesn’t mean they get to beat the shit out of you.” He growls, pissed off that they had been pounding on Dieter when it’s obvious that he doesn’t fight back. “He give you that black eye?”

"No." Bowing his head again to keep the eyesore out of sight, Dieter shuffles awkwardly along beside Joel. "That was my dad." The discovery of his magazine stash had been a rude awakening in the Black house. He's honestly just lucky that he didn't get kicked out before he left for school this morning.

“Fucker.” Joel hisses, shaking his head and he reaches out and slaps Dieter on the shoulder. Not too hard, so he doesn’t think he’s treating him like everyone else. “So come stay at my house tonight.” He offers. “Parents are away…again.”

Stopping dead in his tracks, Dieter feels slack and tense all at once, like he's going to shake apart out of confusion and...happiness? Is that what this feeling is? "Why are you being so nice to me?" He demands, his slight drawl making him sound more aggravated than curious. He just doesn't fucking understand it.

“Why shouldn’t I be?” Joel frowns, thoroughly confused at the anger in Dieter’s tone. “Would you rather I was an asshole to you?” Maybe he resented him helping, the idea makes Joel’s heart drop, but he doesn’t show it.

"I just don't see what's in it for you." Dieter had offered to help Joel pass English - the only class they had together - but Joel had never said yes or no. He had just huffed something noncommittal and headed for class when the bell rang. He's used to people wanting things from him - even if all they wanted him for was to be a punching bag. "I—I mean you're...you're literally one of the most popular kids in school and you don't have to spare me a second fucking look but you're always so fucking nice to me and I never see you be nice to anyone else. I don't get it."

Joel turns his head and just stares at Dieter, wondering if the other boy was just fucking with him or if he had really not understood. He guesses it’s not as obvious. “Really?” He asks, rolling his eyes. He glances at the bathroom signs and then around the deserted hallway before he grabs Dieter’s shoulder to shove him into the boy’s side.

Well that answers that, Dieter thinks as Joel pulls him into the cramped bathroom. He just wanted a target alone. It's shattering, the way Dieter can feel his own tender heart breaking as he braces to be beaten up by the one person he thought was on his side. It's better to just get it over with, he tells himself.

Joel is sweating bullets and he glances around the bathroom to make sure that there is no one around. Furtively glancing either way once more as he keeps Dieter up against the cream-colored tile before he lets him go. Swallowing harshly before he leans in, hoping he doesn’t lose his nerve before quickly pressing his lips to the other boy’s before leaning back just as fast. “There, happy?” He demands nervously, wiping his sweaty palms on his jeans and looking anywhere but Dieter in case he had just fucked up.

"You—" One hand flies to his lips immediately, like he can't trust his own senses to tell him what just happened, and he knows that he's staring because he can barely breathe. "But you were dating Alison Harcourt all last year!"

“Yeah.” Joel nods and shoves his hands in his pockets. “I was. But what you said— you know, about both….” He shrugs defensively. “Whatever…you shouldn’t get the shit kicked out of you for it.” It’s a fucking risk and he’s almost about to throw up, thinking that he had read Dieter wrong. Just because he was…queer…didn’t mean he liked every boy. Joel knows that very well. Maybe he didn’t like him.

"I didn't know." Dieter murmurs, making sure he keeps his voice down so that no one passing in the hallway would know that there were people in this bathroom. The very last thing they need right now is to be discovered. He steps toward Joel cautiously, like he's approaching his mom's easily spooked dog, and touches his shoulder to make the older boy look up at him. "I won't tell anybody," he promises solemnly. "This is just between us."

Joel stares at Dieter for another minute before he nods. “O-okay.” He rasps out. “So—are you gonna come sleep over? Or no?” He had meant the offer. His parents were rarely home, to the point where he had practically raised his younger brother Tommy. If Dieter was getting hit at home, he could come crash with them.

"Yeah." Dieter bobbles his head awkwardly. His fingers grazed Joel's arm for just a second too long and now they're tingling. Maybe he's imagining it - he has a damn good imagination after all - but Joel feels warm to him. Warm and enticing. "Yeah. I'm gonna come sleep over."

“Okay.” Joel’s head also goes up and down. “Practice was canceled today, so we can leave after school.” He looks around again. “Come on. Mr. Mackie bitches when you’re late, right?”

"Yeah." He can't remember if he told Joel that or if it's just something that he knew, but Dieter grins, blushing a little that Joel has remembered little things like that. That Joel kissed him. Even if he could tell people, they would never believe him. "Mostly because they can't start without me," he boasts gently, puffing up his chest. "I'm the star for this show."

“I know.” Joel smirks at the pride in Dieter’s voice. “You’re gonna be a big movie star one day. I know it.”

******

"You're alive." Dieter finds himself getting misty-eyed with his arms around his former lover. It doesn't matter that it's been more than twenty years since he actually saw Joel face-to-face. "You're fucking alive." He pulls back to look Joel in the face, seeing those decades reflected back at him. "It's been a long fucking time."

“Me?” Joel shakes his head and pulls him in for another hug. “How the fuck did you survive this shit?” Joel had kept up with Dieter’s career, and celebrated his successes with quiet pride. Sarah had rolled her eyes at him and his willingness to own all of Dieter Bravo’s movies, never telling her that he had known him when he was Dieter Black.

"That's what happens when you do as many ‘shrooms as I did in college." Dieter puffs up with a laugh. "The fungi accepted me as one of their own and passed right on by. No more room in the ol' headspace for more to grow." He knows it sounds ridiculous, but it's a more fun theory than your explanation - which is that he was on a no-carb diet at the time of the outbreak to lose weight for a role.

“Hold on— you hug people?” Ellie is holding up her hand and shaking her head like she’s witnessed some sort of miracle. Joel rolls his eyes as he pulls back from Dieter, taking in all the changes that had occurred over the last thirty years, twenty really, since he had watched his movies.

“So doing all those drugs saved your life, huh?” His eyes slide over to where you are standing, still confused and he points his chin towards you. “Who’s your guard dog?” He hadn’t missed the way Dieter had ducked behind you and figured he was still needing protection more than protecting anyone. He had filled out over the years, but Dieter had always been as non-confrontational as he could possibly be.

“Oh!” Entranced by seeing Joel again, Dieter had apparently forgotten there was anyone else in the room but now he waves for you to come over to him as he introduces you. “Baby, this is Joel.” He tells you excitedly. “Joel from Austin.”

“Wait…this is Joel?” The name clicks into place with how happy Dieter is to see this man and the slight disbelief in his eyes. He looks almost nostalgic, which is unusual for a man who has admittedly burned a whole lot of memories away with drug use. “Well damn,” you murmur, mostly to yourself. Moving back to the check-in desk a few feet away, you pick up a device with the hand that isn’t holding a gun and hold it up so he can see that it’s a scanner. “Just a formality,” you insist, since you know Dieter won’t let you send these people away. Joel Miller was his first love.

“Baby…” Dieter gives you a pout, asking you to put the scanner and gun down, before he looks back at Joel. “They told me not to marry my personal assistant but she takes such good fucking care of me.”

Huffing in amusement, Joel shakes his head. "You were never one to be told what to do." He drawls, remembering how obstinate Dieter could be, even if it was to his detriment. Him and Tommy accounted for half his gray hairs even back then. He tilts his neck to the side so you can press the scanner there and it clicks green but when you move towards Ellie, he grabs your arm. "Not the girl." He knows she won't pass.

That’s not a compromise you want to make, but Dieter brushes past it with absolute trust - something that is very rare for him. It took a year of working for him for him to actually trust you, for fuck’s sake. “Fine,” you eye the teen suspiciously. If push comes to shove, you can take out one brand-new clicker. You’ve done it plenty of times before now.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Dieter wants to know. He’s waving everybody further into the belly of the hotel while you go to relock the front doors, because he had apparently not checked them well enough this morning.

"Me?" Joel scoffs, looking around the crumbling hotel and feeling completely out of place. "Headin' to Wyoming." He shoots Dieter a small shrug. "Tommy's there. Need to find him and drop her off." He nods towards Ellie. "This is a long ass way from L.A." He offers, wondering how the hell Dieter has lasted twenty years in an apocalyptic world. From what Joel had seen, he had become a very pampered actor, although it's good that you seem to care about him.

“We were shooting here.” He has no filter around Joel, the absolute truth spilling from his lips as easy as breathing. “Outbreak day, I mean. They were starting to evacuate some people but…” Dieter shrugs lamely, having made his peace with it years ago. “The studio locked us down here, told us to stay out for our own safety. And then when those FEDRA fuckers came through, we hid with a couple of other people. Fuck those assholes.”

"Here?" Joel looks around and admits that it would be a good place to hole up if you needed to. "How the fuck have you survived twenty years in a hotel?"

“It turns out the staff wasn’t so big on fresh food.” When you return to the group you move right to Dieter’s side. “Obviously we’ve had to hunt, but everybody in this area just tucked tail and went where FEDRA told them to, so we’ve had a lot of abandoned resources to survive on.” It's dwindled, obviously, and it’s next to nothing now, but you’re not about to tell them that.

Joel nods, understanding now and even with it being the two of you, over the years the supplies would have been worn down. He glances towards the doors and sighs. "Well, will you let us stay tonight?" He asks, not sure if you two are willing to share your safe space. It's obviously free of infected. "We'll move on in the morning."

Dieter opens his mouth to say of course! But you put a hand on his arm before he can do more than form the first word. ��Your kid’s okay?” He wouldn’t let you scan her so you have to assume that something is wrong.

"She's fine." Joel spits out defensively, shuffling slightly so he can be a human shield between you and the girl. No wonder Dieter survived; you weren't as trusting as his former boyfriend. You were smarter than that.

“If he says she’s okay, then she’s okay.” Your husband looks up at you with his best puppy dog eyes and you sigh inwardly. That expression is how he keeps you wrapped around his finger and he knows it. That, and the third fucking leg he somehow manages to hide in the lounge pants he wears every single day.

“Okay.” You nod your head, squeezing Dieter’s shoulder before you look back to the new arrivals. “Stay the night. There’s plenty of places to sleep. We’ve kept the fourth floor for living space.”

"Have you had many people come through here?" Joel asks, glancing around again. He wonders who else is here or has been here. Despite knowing Dieter, he wonders if it's just the two of you.

“There were some groups moving through a few years ago.” Dieter waves at the sofa across from where he’s standing and flops back on a chaise lounge like an exhausted Roman emperor, pulling you down beside him. “The people who stayed behind with us either left or died. A couple got infected.” He shudders at that. It had been as traumatic as anything he could remember, to see his friends turn to literal monsters. “But mostly it’s just been us, the gramophone, and a hell of a lot of books.”

"Never thought I would see you settle down." Joel admits, smirking slightly at the position that Dieter has thrown himself into. At least the affection between the two of you seems genuine. "It only took the fucking end of the world."

Ellie has been staring at Dieter and her face lights up. "I know you! You're an actor! You were in that movie...what the hell is the name of it?" She snaps her fingers, biting her lip as she tries to figure out what it was. "It's one of the few we had in the FEDRA school." She looks over at Joel. "How the fuck do you know him?"

Dieter grimaces at the idea that FEDRA is using his movies as propaganda, but he looks at Joel curiously. Why the hell was his kid in a FEDRA school? “Your dad and I grew up together,” he explains, not knowing how much she might know about the man Joel used to be. “Way back when.”

"I'm not her dad." Joel says at the same time Ellie goes, "He's not my dad."

The two of them look at each other and then Ellie's eyes widen. "Wait! You knew Joel when he was young. Has he always been an asshole?" She demands, grinning at Joel before she looks at Dieter expectantly.

“Kind of.” Dieter laughs, enjoying the scowl on his ex-boyfriend’s face. “He’s always had resting asshole face. Never started fights but always ended them, ya know? Nobody fucked with Joel back then.” Except him - but that was a fully different meaning of the word.

Joel's brow lifts, watching you try to keep your expression neutral because it's obvious you know the complete nature of his and Dieter's relationship back in high school. That the two of them had been together and explored sexually before Dieter had left for college and never come back. It's interesting that Dee ended up with a woman, like he had. Despite all the rumors of fucking anyone who would let him, Dieter still managed to bag gorgeous women and it seems that the Outbreak hadn't changed that.

“So you guys are headed to Wyoming?” Even with Dieter curled around you like a man-shaped blanket, you somehow manage to maintain your composure in the face of his ex.

Joel nods, his fingers twitching when he sees Dieter’s hands start to drift from the socially acceptable areas of a partner’s body in front of guests. “Yeah.” He clears his throat, suddenly thinking about the times that he and Dieter would fantasize together.

Dieter smirks, obviously doing it on purpose to see if he can get a rise out of Joel decades later, and lets his hand span the inside of your thigh with glee. "To find Tommy?" He prompts.

His eyes are on the way that Dieter is gripping your thigh, blanking out for a moment before he comes to. "Huh? Oh...yeah." Joel grunts out, trying to ignore the way that his cock twitches. "To find Tommy." He nods, trying not to let Dieter get to him. It wasn't like he had forgotten everything they had done together and talked about doing together.

"I'm surprised you let him out of your sight." The smirk on the younger man's face grows and he drops a kiss on your shoulder. You're just letting the conversation roll along, seemingly unbothered by Dieter's roaming hands. Presumably, you're very used to it. "Tommy was in my class." He explains to you. "Joel was very protective back then."

"He— he's my brother." Lucky for Joel, Ellie has lost interest in the catching up happening between him and Dieter and has started exploring the hotel. "Of course I was protective." He doesn't mention that he had protected Dieter just as vehemently.

"Mmhmm." Your hand catches Dieter's before it can go as far as cupping your cunt right in front of his ex, but you just shake your head. Unbothered and maybe vaguely amused is how your expression reads. "Dee hasn't had an audience in a while," you explain vaguely, throwing your husband an indulgent smile. "Clearly he's glad to see you."

Joel shuffles slightly and clears his throat, unsure of what his ex might have shared with you about that time. "I don't know about that." He grunts. "Been a long time."

"Joel." Dieter aims that deadly pout at the older man now, just the same way he had learned to aim it at you. "She knoooooows. You think I didn't tell me wife about the first cock I ever sucked?"

Joel’s eyes widen and he quickly twists his head around and makes sure that Ellie hadn't decided to be nosy. Not that he gave a fuck about people knowing that side of him, but she would be annoying as fuck with all the questions. When he sees that she's messing behind the front counter, pretending she's checking people into rooms, he looks back at the two of you. "So did you get married before the Outbreak or...?" He tries not to think about how good Dieter had gotten at sucking his cock since it's been a long fucking time from the last blow job he's gotten until now.

"You're making the poor guy nervous, babe." He did that sometimes, usually unintentionally, but it had been a long time since anyone else had even been physically near you to make nervous. Turning your head, you press a kiss to Dieter's cheek and ruffle his hair affectionately. "I'll go find the kid something to eat and get her settled? Give you boys some time to catch up."

"Mm, you're the fuckin' best." Dieter hums, giving your ass a squeeze before you walk off in the direction of the front desk to get the teenager's attention. "I, uh—" He had forgotten what Joel asked, but the thought snaps back quickly once he's done staring at your ass. "Yeah, we...we got married like...a couple of months before the Outbreak. We just did a little thing in our backyard in Malibu." He shrugs, though his smile is a little lopsided remembering the soft, white sundress you'd worn that day and how gorgeous you looked under all the twinkle lights strung through every tree that night. "Didn't want fuckin paps everywhere, ya know?"

"You always did kind of like nature." The smug comment falls off his tongue before he can stop it. Something very different from a backyard in Malibu.

******

Dieter grunts as he pushes Joel against the broad tree-trunk, one hand on the older boy's chest to hold him in place as they exchange a ferocious kiss. It's been a week since they got any time alone together and they're ravenous for contact at this point. His other hand is everywhere - touching, grasping, groping, unsettled and needy and frazzled with want.

"Dee, fuck." Joel's groan doesn't go far in the thick copse of trees, deep inside and past the old abandoned barn that had been reclaimed by nature. "You always get so fuck-ing eager when I defend you." His own fingers sink into Dieter's hair and twists around the curls, pulling as he drags the other's boy's lips back to his. Groaning again when he cups his cock through the thin basketball shorts he had been wearing when he had slipped out of the gym to meet Dieter in the woods.

"It's sexy." The explanation is honest, at least, and Dieter grins again when he feels Joel's dick twitch and harden a little more in his palm. "My big, scary protector," he croons. He's not even exaggerating.

"Start-starting to think you— you taunt them." Joel knows Dieter doesn't, but it's cute to see the pout flash across his boyfriend's face. "Shit." He hisses when Dieter's exceptionally nimble fingers slide up his shorts to wrap around his cock. "Keep it up." He growls in warning. It's been a fucking week since he's fucked Dieter since his parents actually decided to come home, although they are leaving again this afternoon. He's got a major case of blue balls and his fucking boyfriend is teasing him.

"I've been up." Dieter retorts, taking Joel's hand and pressing it against the front of his jeans. Over the course of their extremely secret relationship, he's had to get very creative with how to hide his hard-ons so he doesn't sport noticeable wood whenever Joel is around.

"Shit." He hisses, squeezing Dieter's cock and groaning when the other boy starts to massage his cock. "Come over tonight." He begs quietly. "I want—I want to fuck you." Tommy is aware of the relationship, but he doesn't give a damn and he doesn't say a word about it. Everyone else in town just thought that Joel protected Dieter because they were friends.

"Your parents leaving?" Mouthing at Joel's neck, Dieter is careful to never leave a mark behind but always uses enough pressure to make his boyfriend squirm. Stroking his cock at the same time - like he's doing now - is usually a recipe for breaking Joel's composure pretty quickly.

"Yeah." Joel's parents think that Joel has just adopted another kid to look after but even if they weren't leaving, he would want Dieter to come over. "You—if they didn't, we could be quiet." It would have to be Dieter that was quiet because he got loud when he was getting fucked. "Shit baby."

"I bet I could get you to scream now." Dieter's eyes flash mischievously. He nips at the sensitive skin of Joel's throat and gives his cock one more stroke before dropping to his knees in the patch of grass around the tree Joel is pressed against. "Don't have to be quiet in the woods."

"Oh fuck." Joel's eyes widen and he glances around just because of how exposed they are. "Baby, you don't—" He doesn't want to say yes because he doesn't want Dieter to feel like he owes him for saving him from another beating but he doesn't stop him when he reaches for the elastic band of his shorts and starts to pull them down. "Are you really going to suck my dick in the woods?" He asks breathlessly.

The wolfish grin on Dieter's face is the only answer he gives, right before diving in and taking Joel's fully hard cock in his mouth. He winks up at him from his knees before readjusting his hand around the base of Joel's shaft, making sure that he doesn't leave a single inch of that gorgeous dick untouched before he starts to bob back and forth like he had taught himself from untold hours of porn.

"Shiiiiiiiit." Joel doesn't even feel it when he bangs his head back against the tree. The wet heat of Dieter's mouth is fucking amazing and his eyes squish shut. "Oh fuck." One hand is curled into a fist and the other reaches down and tangles into Dieter's hair again. "So fucking good. Suck dick like a fucking vacuum."

A pleased, almost preening sound bubbles out of Dieter, basking in Joel's praise, and vibrates around his cock as he works the length over and over again. The hand in his hair only spurs him on, gauging how much pleasure Joel is getting from how tight he's tugging his hair. Dieter is an observant little shit if nothing else, and he had zeroed in on Joel's tells quickly as their physical relationship grew. This time will be fast and furious, judging from the way Joel's fingers are digging into his scalp.

It's almost natural how quickly his hips start to rock forward, looking down and watching his dick disappear into Dieter's mouth. Watching his lips stretch out around him. "Fuck, I'm gonna cum, Dee." He warns him. "Swallow it." He pants out. "Every fucking drop." There have been plenty of times where they had spit out cum, but he wants him to swallow him down today. Wanting him to taste his essence for the rest of the day.

He'll take the order gladly, moving the hand that's gripping Joel's hip to his balls to add to the pleasure and bring him over the edge. Joel Miller is a fucking gorgeous sight when he cums and Dieter keeps his eyes glued to his face so he doesn't miss a second of it.

It only takes a quick squeeze of his balls and the feeling of Dieter's throat closing around the head of his cock and Joel groans out his name. Throbbing on his boyfriend's tongue as ropes of cum spill down his throat in an intense rush that seems to get better every fucking time.

Dieter has instructions and he follows them to the letter, swallowing down every last drop including the ones he has to lick off the corners of his mouth before they escape and dribble down his chin. Joel looks absolutely wrecked and it makes him proud to know that he did that. He is the reason that the hottest, brooding-est athlete in school is panting in pleasure. It's his name that Joel Miller says when he cums. "Feel better, baby?"

"Stand the fuck up." Joel growls, grabbing Dieter's arm and dragging him up off the floor of the woods. Kissing him desperately despite the lingering remnant of his own spend on his boyfriend's tongue. He doesn't care. Shuffling to turn him around and push him up against the same tree he had just cum in front of, Joel breaks the kiss to take Dieter's place on his knees.

The needy whimper that spills out of Dieter's mouth when Joel drops to his knees echoes in the trees and he braces himself as best he can against the one at his back. "Y-you don't...ha-have to," he shudders watching Joel tug open the buttons on his jeans. "Fuck baby."

Joel huffs, rolling his eyes up at Dieter as he yanks the boy's pants down and smirks when he doesn't find any underwear. "You think I'm going to leave you hanging?" He demands, reaching out and wrapping his hand around Dieter's throbbing cock. Leaning in and taking him into his mouth with the same eagerness that he had been sucked off.

"Know you w—wouldn't." Dieter gasps out, shuddering as Joel's hot mouth closes around his length. If he believed in God ever, he'd be thanking Him incessantly for making Joel Miller bisexual. He groans deep in his chest and twines his fingers through Joel's short hair. "Fuuuck."

Humming around the cock in his mouth, Joel starts to jerk the base quickly. Also having learned exactly what does it for Dieter, and he hollows his cheeks around him. It will be fast and dirty; it always is when Joel blows him. It's like he still hasn't gotten used to the fact that the boy he has such a crush on would suck his dick.

"Shit, shit, shit!" One hand grasps the tree trunk behind him to steady himself but Dieter's other hand cards through Joel's hair. He doesn't like it as rough as Dieter does so he's careful not to pull too hard. "You're so fucking good at that, fuck."

Joel looks up at him, bobbing his head frantically as he swallows around him. Wanting him to fall apart and cum for him. He's gorgeous when he cums, shakily panting Joel's name as he does.

It never takes Dieter long when they're like this. The danger of potential discovery is almost as much of a turn on as the person on his knees, and Dieter's stamina can never stand up against Joel's determination to make him practically implode with desire. Mere minutes is all it takes before Dieter is gasping out his name in choked breaths. "Joel, f—fuuuck Joel, I'm gonna cum, baby, fuck, fuck, Joel!"

The first time Dieter had cum in Joel's mouth, he had nearly gagged. Sputtering from the force of the spurts hitting his tonsils, but now he's swallowing him down just like he had told Dieter to. Holding onto his hips and pulling him closer as his boyfriend bucks into his mouth and shouts his name.

Dieter crumples against the tree, eyes wide to watch Joel in awe, and pants for breath as the last rope of his cum hits his boyfriend's tongue with force. He's watched enough porn to know that he cums hard, but Joel doesn't complain about it. Sometimes he teases, but it's never mean. "H-holy shit," he huffs out, fingers instantly soothing through Joel's hair because he knows he pulled way too hard when he came.

Joel hums, swallowing the last drops before he surges to his feet and kisses him one last time. "We— we need to get back." He pants quietly. "You comin' over tonight?"

"Yeah." One more kiss, because Dieter can't help himself, and he shifts his jeans back up his legs to button them carefully. "I'll come over as soon as I can." Both boys know that that means as soon as Dad is drunk but neither of them say it. There's no use in holding the black cloud over time they get to spend together.

"Yeah." Joel nods, frowning slightly and shaking his head. "Just pack up for the weekend," he suggests.

"Okay." Dieter murmurs, nodding slightly. He grasps on for one more kiss before fixing a bit of Joel's hair that he tugged out of place. "Go. They're gonna notice you're gone if you stay longer."

Joel pulls his shorts up and nods. "I'll see you later, okay?" He swallows and tosses Dieter a grin before he turns and starts to make his way out of the woods to go work out for gym class.

******

"Can't believe you're actually fuckin' here." Dieter mutters, shaking his head at Joel. "I mean I'm not surprised you were stubborn enough to survive, but...fuck, ya know?" He huffs at how inarticulate he is for a man who used to make his living at spoken words. "Tell me about shit. You, Tommy, your life, whatever. What was..." he searches his spotty memory, barely coming up with kernels of information. "Amber, right?" The last time the two men had seen each other in any meaningful way was when Joel's wife was pregnant. But considering he has a kid with him that isn't his and is too young to be that kid anyway, Dieter isn't exactly sure what happened.

Joel's eyes slide away from Dieter's, not because he had been ashamed of his relationship with Amber. Both men had moved on from their relationship. "Yeah." He huffs quietly. "She— she left, a few months after Sarah, our daughter, was born." He tells Dieter, looking down at his watch like he always does when he thinks of her.

“Shit…” The word drags out awkwardly as Dieter rubs at the back of his neck and tries not to cringe. “I’m sorry, man. That’s bullshit. You guys seemed so happy…”

"Well..." Joel shrugs. "She wasn't happy being a mother after all, I guess." He hadn't thought about Amber in years, but it still hurts that she had abandoned him with a three-month-old baby. It had been a learning curve to be a single parent. Only his time raising his brother had helped.

“I’m sorry.” Dieter says again, slipping off the chaise he was sitting on to come sit next to Joel. He’s rarely seen a version of this man that was hurting, so it’s not something he really knows how to process. He just knows that Joel used to like having him close, so he gravitates that way. “I didn’t mean to— I mean…you know,” he mumbles incoherently.

“You didn’t know.” Joel knows he would never willingly cause him any pain. Not even when he had moved on.

Dieter bites his lip, not wanting to ask about Joel’s daughter since he had already asked one dumb question already. “So Tommy’s in Wyoming?” He settles on, hoping it isn’t a sore subject as well. He wants to sit and catch up with Joel, he’s just shit at small talk.

“Yeah.” He rolls his eyes and sighs. “Dumbass joined the Fireflies.” He huffs. “So he went out west and I had stayed in Boston.” He knows that Dieter wants to ask so he swallows. “Sarah…my daughter.” His voice is low enough that only Dieter can hear. “She died on Outbreak day.”

“Jesus.” Instinctively, Dieter reaches out and covers Joel’s hand with his, squeezing gently. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Well, you remember when my birthday is, right?” He asks, turning his hand and not letting the other man’s hand go. Nearly thirty years later, the touch of him still soothes.

“Oh shit.” It clicks in his mind instantly and he clutches Joel’s hand that much tighter. “She…Jesus Christ,” he huffs. “I woulda thrown myself off a goddamn bridge. I don’t know how you’re still standing.”

“It wasn’t for lack of trying the first few years.” Joel admits. “I sort of shut down.” Tommy was the only reason he had stuck around.

“Don’t blame you.” The sigh that Dieter blows out is audible and he points a thumb over his shoulder. “She’s pulled me back from the edge so many times I think she might’ve gone a little crazy herself.” His eyes cut back to Joel, though, and to their hands. “Kinda like you, back then.”

“You’re worth it.” Joel chuckles, remembering how Dieter had always kind of needed an emotional support person. It’s how he thrived.

Dieter’s habitual lopsided, lazy smile returns to his face slowly and he eyes Joel curiously. “Stay more than a night.” He asks, wondering what else has been going on in Joel’s life these past endless years. Dieter is a sentimental bastard, always has been, and nostalgic when he feels like it. “We don’t have much left, but…you don’t need to run off.”

“I—” Joel swallows and looks around. “You can’t stay here. Not without food. Even as safe as it is.”

“Something always turns up.” It’s sweet that Joel still worries, the instinct to protect Dieter apparently not having waned. “There’s a lake nearby. We fish a lot, and get some birds that way.” Like he said - it’s not a lot. But it’s enough for two.

It isn’t Joel’s place to try to make decisions for you and Dieter, but he makes his own decision to not take anything from the two of you. He won't accept any supplies if offered. He nods and looks around again. “It’s a nice place to have to spend the end of the world.” He flashes a grin. “Too bad the hot water doesn’t work.”

“You get used to filling up the industrial sink with heated water if you want a hot bath.” Dieter shrugs. His pampered lifestyle didn’t translate to the apocalypse, obviously.

“Better than freezing your ass off in a river.” Joel acknowledges, smirking at the howling Dieter would make, being cold. He had never liked cold water.

“Stay a little.” Dieter asks again, the insistence in his voice nearly a whine. “Just a little.” He huffs at himself, looking down at Joel’s hand in his. “A couple of days?”

“Your wife may not like that.” Joel prompts him gently. Just because he has a history with Dieter doesn’t mean he doesn’t know what he’s done before settling down. He won’t make poor decisions for his former lover. “You might want to ask her.”

“What makes you think I would marry a square?” It makes him laugh, more than he expected, and Dieter rolls his eyes affectionately at Joel. “If she says yes, you stay.”

“Okay.” He agrees with a small nod. “If she agrees, I’ll stay.”

******

“You two been on the road for long?” You’ve covered the basics with this kid - Ellie - and basically only managed to find out that she’s a 14-year-old bag of snarky comments, but it’s oddly reassuring that teenagers haven’t changed just because the world ended. In the big industrial kitchen there’s some water for her to drink, and she took up the offer understandably eagerly.

Ellie shrugs slightly. “Couple of months.” She tells you after she gulps down the last swallow of water. “We’ve walked a lot of miles.” She tells you. “His boots are wearing out.”

“How about yours?” You pour her another glass, knowing that you can get more from the lake. “They must be getting pretty worn, too? Clothes, too.”

“It happens.” She hasn’t wanted to complain but it’s getting harder. Especially when she’s run through all the tampons and the last time she had just stuffed her panties with an old shirt.

“There’s stuff here.” Nudging the refilled glass back across the table to her, you offer the kid as kind a smile as you can muster. “Everybody that was staying here, they left stuff behind. So there’s lots to pick from.”

“That would be cool.” She nods and takes the glass back again. “I like some of the stuff they wore back then.”

“Yeah?” That makes you almost laugh and tilt your head at her. “What stuff? I might know what room to send you to, to find it.”

“I don’t know how to describe it.” Ellie rolls her eyes. “Not like we have fashion week at FEDRA schools.” She looks around to make sure Joel isn’t close by. “You don’t have period shit, do you?” She asks furtively.

“Some.” You nod, trying to remember the exact inventory of pads you have in the closet upstairs. The nearest convenience stores, pharmacies, and even grocery store loot had all been piled into this hotel when there was just a small group of survivors, but thankfully there had only been two menstruating people in that group. “Do you need it now?” If she did, she probably needed clean clothes desperately, and wouldn’t hate a bath. You could heat some water for her to ease the pain.

“I ended yesterday.” Ellie rolls her eyes. It’s hard trying to hide that from Joel and especially hard when traveling out in the wilderness. The conversation about animals smelling her menstrual blood had been one filled with stuttered speech on Joel’s part and mortification on Ellie’s.

“I’ll pack some up for you.” What little you have left can be shared. She’s out in the wild and might not come across more…but you’re at least in a place where you can wash your rags each month. “I can’t imagine he’s remembering to check for supplies like that when you get a chance to rummage through places.”

“I’m normally on the lookout for that kind of thing.” Ellie snorts, imagining Joel buying tampons before the outbreak. He would be so fucking uncomfortable with it. Just like he was anytime she started complaining about cramps.

“I’ll scrounge up what I can for you.” Being a teenager out in the wilderness can’t be easy - even with access to tampons or pads. “I wish I had some pain killers or something to send you out with, but not getting FEDRA out here means our supplies dried up quickly.”

“Doesn’t hurt too bad.” Ellie shrugs. “Not like getting stabbed. That hurts like a motherfucker.”

“Yeah.” The abruptness of the observation makes you laugh, and you almost miss seeing Dieter amble toward through the kitchen doorway. “Yeah. Getting stabbed fucking sucks.”

“Who’s getting stabbed?” Dieter asks, brows raised and a goofy grin on his face as he makes his way to your side.

"It's a uterus thing." You assure him, happy as always to have your husband attach himself to your side. "I'm going to pack up some supplies for Ellie and get her new clothes, all that kind of stuff. There's enough to share upstairs."

“They are going to stay a couple of days.” Dieter announces, grinning at you like he’s won the lottery. “As long as you’re okay with it. Joel insisted.” He rolls his eyes as if it was never a question.

"Yeah. That's okay with me." It's not like you hadn't expected it, once you realized who Joel was to Dieter. While he's not exactly nostalgic for the entire way the world used to be, he's always talked about this particular ex with fondness. And while maybe it would have been weird twenty years ago, the world has changed. The fact is, you have resources and a roof, and they could use the help. "I'll go down and check the traps and do some fishing? Or we could all go, depending on how badly Joel and Ellie need to rest."

“I want to go!” Ellie immediately volunteers, always eager to see and do new things. There’s something going on with Joel and she figures she needs to give him some space to decide. These people have to be alright if Joel’s considering staying for a few days.

"That's the most excited I've ever seen a teenager get about fishing," you laugh, nodding to Ellie. "Alright, at the very least I'll take Ellie down to the lake and we can rustle up some dinner." What you have stored is best fleshed out with a catch of the day, and that's just fine.

“Cool.” Ellie grins, practically bouncing on her toes as Joel strides into the kitchen.

“What’s cool?”

"As long as it's okay with you, I thought I would take Ellie down to the lake to do some fishing." He seems the protective sort, something you knew to be true from Dieter's stories but is very obvious upon meeting him. "Just down to the lake. Very safe. If you wanted to look out the south windows of the hotel or sit on the back porch, you could see us easily enough."

Joel frowns and looks between the hopeful face of Ellie and the two other adults. He sees the trust that Dieter places in you and his shoulders relax slightly. “You keep your gun on you, you hear me?” He tells Ellie seriously. “Keep your eyes open too and don’t fall in the goddamn water.” He looks over at you. “She can’t swim.”

"Understood." You nod, understanding that he takes whatever guardianship he has of this girl very seriously. "If it will make you feel better, we can all go? There's enough reels. This place has a little boathouse filled up with equipment and kayaks from letting guests go out on the lake way back when."

“Shit.” Dieter chuckles. “When was the last time you went fishing, Joel?” He asks, smirking. There had been plenty of times when they were teens, but they funnily enough never caught anything.

Joel huffs and rolls his eyes. “Fine. We can all go.” He grumbles. “Wish there was beer though.” He jokes dryly.

Dieter opens his mouth excitedly only to have you point a finger at him knowingly. "You are not letting your friend touch that bathtub shit we made. It's bad enough we drink it. Joel doesn't need to be going blind from homemade moonshine."

“Moonshine.” Joel looks between the two of you and his eyes widen slightly. “I’m willing to risk it.”

"We're living in an art deco hotel, baby," Dieter reminds you, waggling his eyebrows at Joel's enthusiastic response. "If we didn't make bathtub booze it would be a sin against dramatic irony." All you can do is shake your head at them to keep from showing your amusement, otherwise Dieter will know he's won all too easily. "I'm pretty sure it has as much to do with irony as an Alanis Morrissette song, but...fine. You're both big boys. You can make your own decisions."

Joel waves his hand in front of your face. “You aren’t blind yet.” He reasons. “Has to be kinda decent.” He scoffs. “Remember that shit we used to drink? That was bad.”

"It's not far off," Dieter snorts, amusement lacing the creases in his face which are usually reserved for care or worry. "Still, I don't recommend we drink on the water." It's too out in the open, and drowning is a real concern, although you have no intention of letting the kid drink any. "We'll have some tonight?"

“Sounds good.” Joel can understand and appreciate the caution. He looks over at Ellie and nods at her. “Ready to go fishing, kiddo?”

"Hell yeah." Ellie pops up from the stool she was sitting on, excited to try something completely new.

"This way." You nod to the opposite direction that everyone came in, ready to take them through the backdoor of the kitchen and out into the remaining afternoon light. It's actually pretty out here if you ignore the highway off in the distance, and that's not hard to do with twenty years of overgrowth and a grove of trees that cropped up around the back of the hotel property. It's chilly out but not too cold yet and you're reasonably optimistic that you can catch something to eat tonight. Tomorrow you'll stay out here for longer, catching whatever you can and stocking up for a few days of visitors.

“How do you keep warm in the hotel?” Joel asks, frowning slightly. “Are there fireplaces in the rooms?”

"Some of them." When you get outside, you turn around and point to the top of the hotel. From the back, several small chimneys are visible that are hidden by the architecture and signage of the front. "That's why we turned the fourth floor into our living space. Those are the suites that have working fireplaces. The other rooms had them filled in or they weren't there at all. It seems like they were an incentive to get a suite instead of a regular room."

“Makes sense.” Joel nods and has to admit that it seems like you have a very nice set up. Too bad you didn’t have any long-term setups like a garden or animals. “I like the fact you have a lake to fish in and gather water.”

"If we knew anything about raising animals it would be better than fishing and setting traps for rabbits or squirrels." You stifle a laugh when Dieter makes a face about squirrel meat and let him take the lead when it comes to the tour.

"Garden is that way," he says, pointing to the eastern side of the building. "Traps are around the tree line. There's a river that comes through the woods to feed the lake, and there's mushrooms for foraging." He flashes Joel a cackling grin. "I know, not something most people want to eat these days. but like I said. They made me one of their own."

Joel huffs out a chuckle and shakes his head. Only Dieter could make a joke like that work. “I get it.” He rolls his eyes and looks over at where Ellie is staring at him like he’s grown a second head.

"Don't worry about it," you advise, nudging Ellie a little and smiling at your husband's ridiculous joke. "The point is, we do okay for food. It's not exactly a farm or anything, but there are a lot worse places we could have gotten stuck."

“All you need is a pen for animals.” Joel murmurs, looking out over the water and the low hanging sun. “It seems like very few infected come through here?”

"Sometimes wanderers come through. Ones that get separated from the hive. Or travelers passing through the area." Dieter grins again, but he shrugs this time. "You'd be surprised how many people still get star struck when they recognize me. Usually better than a gun for getting people to back off."

“I still can’t believe you know Dieter Fucking Bravo!” Ellie crows, shaking her head in amazement. “Like— how?”

"I have to ask," you look over at Ellie on your other side and tilt your head curiously. "How do you even know who he is? You were born after the Outbreak."

“FEDRA school I was at had his movies.” She shrugs like it was simple. “We were allowed to watch them sometimes. Apparently the dean was a big fan or some shit.”

"So you've seen more of my movies than I have." Dieter observes, unhooking the sunglasses from the front of his worn t-shirt and sliding them on his face with pride. "Never watch your own shit, kid. Not that they make movies anymore. But like...in life."

“Is it true you’ve done porn?” Ellie asks, tilting her head at Dieter. “There’s a rumor that the dean would give anything to have a sex movie of you.”

“Ellie!” Joel hisses, mortified at the question and the manners of his charge.

"Nah." The question barely phases Dieter and he brushes it away like she had asked him if he preferred hamburgers or hotdogs. He does get a kick out of Joel's shock, though, considering he was the first other person whoever made him cum. "Not that got leaked anyway," he jokes to Ellie, looking at her from over his sunglasses. "Only people seeing my junk are gonna be the ones I choose specifically." Granted that list is extremely long, but he had still made the decision each time.

“Obviously a wise policy.” Ellie intones seriously, glancing at Joel. “How do you know each other?” She demands, finding it completely cool that she’s met someone she saw on the shitty projector at school. It’s surreal and intriguing how the biggest asshole she knows seems to be on friendly terms with him.

"We went to school together." Dieter knocks into Joel's shoulder by accident as he tries to walk backward to face Ellie and play tour guide and grin at the sun all at once. "Middle and high school. Worst years of my fuckin' life if not for this asshole." His grin turns to Joel full force, and he hears you stifle a giggle, knowing he doesn't mean asshole in the least.

“Did he get all gruff and puff up at you?” Ellie squares her shoulder and holds her arms out to make herself appear broader as she gives an exaggerated ‘Joel’ expression. “You’re a pain in my goddamn ass, you know that?” She huffs out gruffly, mimicking Joel. “Stop talking. Go to sleep.” She cackles at her own impression and shoots Joel a grin, knowing he won’t do anything but roll his eyes and huff under his breath.

"Sort of." The lopsided expression on Dieter's face is soft when he turns his head to look at Joel. "More like...You're a pain in my goddamn ass. Don't be such an idiot. Help me finish my homework." His imitation of Joel is more like an imitation of Ellie's imitation, making it all the more ridiculous and worth laughing about.

“You were being an idiot.” Joel insists, rolling his eyes even though he can’t quite stop the grin that slips through his serious facade. “And you were better at the English shit. You had to help me so we could do other things.”

"Other things?" Ellie waggles her eyebrows the way she had seen Dieter do, thinking it was hilarious even the first time he did it. "Joel, were you bad?" The question is nothing short of gleeful, like she's relishing every second of insight into his former life.

Joel rolls his eyes and scoffs. “Yeah.” He tells her. “We were totally bad.” They had actually been pretty good kids now that he was looking back, but at the time, it was about sex and keeping Dieter from getting his ass beaten.

"Did you like...beat people up and stuff?" Since Ellie's only frame of reference for pre-Outbreak high school is books and movies, she goes straight to what she knows from those. "Sneak out behind the building to smoke cigarettes?" She gasps excitedly. "Did you smoke pot?!"

“I only beat up people who fucked with Dieter, or my brother.” Joel admits. “And of course we smoked pot.” He huffs, pointing at Dieter. “You don’t think this asshole didn’t do drugs in high school?”

Dieter's delighted chuckle makes Ellie crow and she playfully punches Joel in the arm as the group makes their way around to the front of the boat house. "I knew you used to be cool. Oh man – oh man, Dieter, I need stories. Seriously!"

“Who says I’m not cool now?” Joel demands gruffly, fully aware that Ellie thinks he’s lame. Even Sarah would think he’s lame if she were alive.

"Dude." Ellie's gaze could cut glass when she looks over at him. "I've spent every day for months with you. I know cool. You're not cool."

“You know cool, huh?” Joel snorts and rolls his eyes. “Just because I’m trying to keep your ass alive, I’m not cool.”

"'Fraid I have to argue with that." Dieter's lazy smile is pointed at Joel again. "But Joel Miller was very fucking cool. Guess I must have stolen it all away over time." Sucked it out through his cock is the undertone of the comment, but he doubts the kid gets that.

Joel chuckles, not missing the hot glance that Dieter is sending him. “Your wife.” He reminds the actor quietly.

"Knows all about it," you laugh, dismissing it and hustling Ellie past the two men into the boat house to get her a life jacket and a reel.

Joel slows down, trying to figure out if you are talking about the past or the very obvious hints Dieter seems to be dropping. Or maybe he’s just reading too much into it.

"Joel!" When you toss his name over your shoulder from inside the boathouse you can't exactly see where he's gone to. "You gonna join us?"

“Yeah— uh, coming!” Joel jogs slightly to catch up, wondering where the hell Dieter had found a woman like you.

It doesn't take too long to get suited up, and the four of you pull the lone rowboat out of the boathouse to bring down to the lakeside. It's a little too heavy for just you and Dieter to manage so you haven't used it in years, but you've kept it clean just in case. For the four of you it's perfect, and gives you plenty of space to collect any fish you catch.

Joel chuckles, obviously sensing he’s being put to work and he takes the oars after he helps you drag it into the water. “Don’t flip the boat.” He warns Ellie as the three of you climb into it. “Or you’ll sleep in wet clothes.”

“She wouldn’t make me.” Ellie points a thumb in your direction. “Turns out your friends are the cool ones, I guess.”

“Smart ass.” Joel grunts before he starts to row out onto the lake once everyone is situated in the boat.

It takes a little while for Ellie to get the hang of fishing, but it’s a generally quiet activity with a lot of long waiting periods involved, so conversation turns over again and again while the four of you sit together. Ellie tells you and Dieter about her school and Boston, Joel grunts his agreement or disagreement, Dieter tells a story that he realizes halfway through probably wasn’t appropriate, and you finish up with a censored version of the rest of the events. It’s a good system, honestly, and the four of you find yourselves laughing in between catching a few medium-to-smaller sized fish. It doesn’t matter what they are, you’ll eat them no matter what, but at least they all look clear-eyed and healthy when you pull them up into the boat.

“The sun’s about gone.” Joel observes, handing his pole to Ellie and picking up the oars. “Ready to go back?” This is your area and you will know if it’s safe or not to be out past sundown.

“Yeah, I think we have more than enough for tonight.” There’s more than one fish per person, which is great, and if you don’t eat it all tonight you’ll salt some of it to preserve for a night in the future. Sometimes you swear the spirits of pioneer women are out here whispering secrets in your ears because you certainly didn’t fucking know how to preserve fish before the world ended.

“Great! I’m fucking starving!” Ellie chortles, making Joel puff.

“Ellie! Watch your goddamn language.” He pants out as he rows back to shore.

Dieter snorts, knowing full well how much Joel swears himself, and nudges his friend. “When did you get so prim?” He teases.

“She’s a kid.” He points out, knowing that his own language was bad at that age but he hadn’t cursed around adults.

“Mmhmm.” Dieter laughs the way only Dieter can - slightly delirious and fully amused. “Whatever you say, Joely.”

The only reason Joel doesn’t shoot Dieter a finger is because his hands are busy. “Kiss my ass, Black.” Dieter’s real last name comes off his tongue naturally.

“Whooooooooooa!” Ellie inhales like she’s swallowing a tornado, eyes wide, and then doubles over in cackling laughter. “I fucking love it here.” She declares when she gasps for air again.

Joel chuckles at her, aware that she’s not had a whole lot of fun lately and deserves to enjoy it. If it weren’t for the need to find Tommy, he would consider staying here. “Easy, you’ll fart if you laugh so hard.” He drolls.

Ellie snorts at that and Dieter chuckles, squeezing your knee as you shake your head and laugh beside him. “I’ll heat some extra water so you guys can take baths,” you promise them, figuring that a little relaxation would do them both good. “Dieter can grab fresh clothes for Joel and I’ll find some for Ellie.”

“We can help.” Joel offers. “I don’t want to create extra work for you.” He can’t imagine Dieter is incredibly helpful on the best of days with it just being the two of you.

“It’s been a while since we had guests.” You shrug, but nod in acceptance of the offer. “Actually, it’s been so long that I can’t even remember the last time I thought of anyone as a guest.”

“It’s so cool to live in a hotel like this.” Ellie huffs. “This is better than your sheep farm fantasy, Joel.”

“Sheep farm fantasy?” Dieter almost chokes. “What the hell is she talking about?”

“Jesus,” Joel rolls his eyes. “Nothing like that. I just said that if I could do anything after this trip, I would have a little ranch with sheep or something.”

“Anything?” Another guffaw falls from Dieter’s lips and he throws his head back in amusement. “Anything in the world and you choose sheep rancher? What happened to Joel Miller, Badass Rockstar?” In their adolescent dreams of fame and fortune, Joel always dreamt of being a singer. He would hum Dieter to sleep on his worst nights and they would sneak into the rock shows that Austin had to offer on the best nights.

“Holy shit, Joel.” Ellie looks both surprised and impressed. “You sing?”

Joel shrugs but Dieter isn’t done telling his secrets. “He sings and plays both guitar and piano.” His former lover boasts. “He loves music.”

“Suddenly I regret not being able to tune the baby grand in the ballroom.” When the rowboat softly bumps the shore, you gather up the bucket full of fish at your feet. “Don’t worry, Joel,” you offer him an olive branch even though you’re curious. “We won’t make you put on a floor show.”

Joel snorts. “It’s been a long time since I’ve had a piano in front of me.” He admits, although he wouldn’t mind having a guitar to play.

"It sounds like a dying cat no matter which key you hit." Dieter giggles, knowing full well that it is like the sound of nails on a chalkboard to your ears. He tinkers with it to annoy you sometimes.

“You couldn’t play to save your life.” Joel huffs at Dieter, remembering the times he had tried to teach him how to play. “Don’t tell me you tortured your wife with your horrible playing?”

"Mayyyyyybe." His former lover grins unapologetically. "I'm shit with music and always have been."

"Which makes it all the more hilarious that the movie he was filming here had him playing a musician." You had found it endlessly hilarious when they were courting Dieter for the role, knowing full well that they would have to dub his vocals.

“Jesus Christ.” Joel winces. “I’m glad that one didn’t make it out. I would have such a hard time sitting through that one.”

"Oh, it wasn't actually going to be me singing." Grabbing the bucket from your hand and putting out his arm to help you out of the boat, Dieter sighs dramatically at Joel's teasing. "They had some American Idol runner up locked into a contract to sing for me. Be glad for that guy that he didn't have to listen to me garbling along when he did the dubbing."

“Poor bastard.” Joel chuckles and sends Dieter an indulgent grin. “I’ve listened to you singing too many nights when you were staying over.”

"Awwe, you guys did sleepovers?" Ellie pops out of the boat with little help, flashing Joel a shit-eating grin. "Did you guys like...stay up all night gossiping and painting your nails?" She just can't imagine a fun, young Joel being a normal teenager. It baffles her mind, so obviously she has to joke about it.

“Oh totally.” Joel imitates a valley girl voice. “We did facials and all that.” He knows Dieter will giggle at the double entendre built into that joke. Grinning at Ellie as her eyes widen.

"Joel was infamous for his facials." Dieter almost doubles over, barely able to get the words out for laughing. "Coverage. Good, good coverage."

“Jesus Christ.” Joel can’t help but crack up as well, reaching out and slapping Dieter’s back as he joins him in the hysterical laughter.

"I don't get it." Ellie looks to you for clarification but you just shake your head and nod for her to follow you back up to the hotel.

"Don't worry about it, El," you tell her, stifling your own laughter much better than the men had. "It's a guy thing."

It takes a few minutes for them to calm down, both of them grinning when they stop laughing. “Fuck it’s good to see you.” Joel tells Dieter breathlessly.

"You too, baby." The last word is quiet. Soft and sweet, and more than a little nostalgic when Dieter smiles much more shyly at Joel.

Joel doesn’t give a shit if Ellie sees, but he still checks to make sure that you and the girl have gone inside and when he sees the coast is clear, he grabs Dieter’s shirt and pulls him close. Pressing his lips to Dieter’s for the first kiss in nearly thirty years.

It would have been a surprise if Dieter didn't still remember how to push every single one of Joel's buttons, so instead it's sloppy and enthusiastic. Dieter grins against Joel's lips, feeling victorious and carefree, which is no mean feat in a world so laden with worries. He happily holds on for however long Joel allows, humming to himself and gripping his former lover's hips in both hands to keep him close.

It’s been so goddamn long since Joel has felt this sense of wonder. Clinging to it just like he clings to Dieter as he starts to deepen the kiss. He knows he’s married but from what he can tell, you don’t mind.

Feeling things rush back to him - nostalgia and the tinted memories of adolescence make everything feel more exciting and more romantic by nature - Dieter moans softly when Joel leans into the moment and lets the older man lick into his mouth as easily as breathing. It doesn't matter how long the moment goes on for, he knows that you will understand. Mostly because there is a very important fact that Dieter hasn't mentioned yet to Joel.

It’s only when Joel has to come up for air that he pulls away from Dieter. Nearly confused as to where he is as he comes back to reality. “Shit.” He groans softly. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

"Don't be stupid." Dieter chides, sounding remarkably like his younger self for a moment. "She won't care. I mean...she might care that she didn't get to watch, but that's it."

“Still like to show off, huh?” Dieter has always been a little bit of a showy shit, and it’s nice to know that some things haven’t changed.

"I went to Hollywood." The dramatic exasperation in his voice is just for show, making Dieter giggle in response. "Plus, she likes to watch. And be watched. We're pretty evenly matched, to be honest."

“That’s—that’s good.” There hadn’t been a huge dramatic break up. No harsh words or bitter feelings. Hell, no one had known Dieter and Joel were together. But there’s always been a slight regret in not knowing what happened to his old lover. Wondering sometimes what had happened to the first romantic love he had ever had. So it’s good to find out that he’s been happy. Joel gives Dieter a smile and nods. “Really good.”

"No pouting," he chides, shaking his head to make his maniac curls fly in every direction. The last thing Dieter wants is a bummed-out Joel. He's never liked Joel upset. Even thinking about it sucked. "When I said you should stay, I meant you should have fun."

“I don’t…understand.” Joel’s brow wrinkles in confusion, frowning as he stares at his former lover.

"Baby..." Dieter smirks, smacking a kiss on Joel's cheek. "You made the prenup." To him, it is the ultimate compliment. That he had kept Joel in his heart and mind for decades. "You're my freebie."

“Your…freebie….” Again, confusion clouds his face for a moment before he finally clinks. “Oh…oh… really?” He blinks and looks around as if the hotel would provide an answer. “A hall pass, for me?”

“Why would I waste it on a guy that wouldn’t live up to you?” Dieter shrugs like it’s the most logical thing in the world. “You don’t have to. If you have somebody or would feel weird about it. But considering you just kissed me?” He grins devilishly. “She let me share her freebie, so I’m sure she’d like to share you, too.”

“Jesus, Dee.” Joel can’t even deny that the idea is one that makes his cock twitch in his jeans. “We used to talk about that.” Two bisexual boys fucking obviously talked about the girls they liked and how they would like to share one. “Was her freebie a guy or girl?” He asks curiously.

“Girl.” And Dieter still gets a hell of a thrill thinking about it, through the haze of a twenty-year-old memory. “Fuck if I can remember her name now. My memory’s gone to shit. Some bendy as fuck Broadway actress that I ended up actually doing a film with. She was ecstatic.”

“So you’ve only fucked one other person other than your wife in twenty years?” He’s doubtful, but who knows.

“Nah.” That sounds ridiculous even to Dieter, though he does love that Joel is so skeptical. He always knew him best of anyone. “The others were special circumstances. Like the one woman who was traveling through and stayed with us for about a month. She decided she’d rather stay warm and we were kinda bored with each other at the time. Or the guy who got separated from his group and ended up here for a week or two about…six years ago? Seven years ago? I dunno. He just wanted to fuck a movie star and pretend things were the way they used to be. He only wanted her to watch. But you?” He raises both eyebrows clear above his sunglasses. “You still hold the record for prettiest cock I’ve ever fucked. And…” There is a flash – just a flash – where the mask slips and Dieter shrugs. “You’re you.”

“I’m…me…” Joel puts his hands on his hips and looks around for a second as he thinks. He wants to, badly. “I want to hear it from her.” He decides. “And I want to—to have you both.” He steps closer and bites his lip. “You— there hasn’t been another man since you, Dee.” He confesses softly.

Dieter isn’t one to hesitate when something he wants is within reach, and right now Joel is two inches away, so he grabs right onto the front of his shirt and tugs him in, pressing his lips hard against Joel’s. “Sentimental bastard,” he teases. “And I know she’ll say yes. Caught her checking out your ass in the boathouse.”

“Shut the fuck up.” Few would ever mistake the growl as nothing but angry, but Dieter just grins at him, knowing that he’s embarrassed. For as popular as Joel had been in school, he hadn’t been assertive when it came to relationships until he was in them.

The leering grin on Dieter’s face is so fucking pleased that he lets out a manic little giggle. “Oh yeah,” he looks very pleased with himself - or perhaps with you. “Silver Fox works for you.”

Joel rolls his eyes but he can feel his cock harden. “So what have you imagined?” He asks quietly. “Since I’m your pass?”

“It would be easier to tell you what I haven’t imagined.” The lack of a creative mind was never Dieter’s problem, and with the promise of bringing fantasy to reality tantalizingly close he feels that giddiness of a kid about to get a mountain of presents for his birthday. “Depends on whether you just want to fuck me, or if you want to fuck my wife, too.” His eyebrows waggle again in that signature suggestive way. “Good thing you’re staying for a few days.”

“If the offer is there…” Joel wouldn’t turn down a chance to touch either one of you, especially if it was a shared experience and want.

“Good.” That’s all Dieter needs to hear, and he reaches out and strokes his thumb over Joel’s hip to turn him toward the hotel. “We’re going to have a very fun conversation after dinner.”

“Any conversation with you is always interesting.” Joel huffs, remembering the off the wall comments that would come out of his mouth.

“There you two are.” When Dieter and Joel stroll into the kitchen they look simultaneously more relaxed and excitable, and you make a mental note to ask Dieter what happened outside after Ellie is out of earshot. Right now she’s sitting five feet away peeling vegetables. “Beginning to think you ran off on us.”

“Nahhhhh.” Dieter winks at you. “You know I would never leave you.” He comes over to stand behind you and kisses the back of your neck. “I was showing Joel the star you claim is a satellite.”

“There’s a satellite out there?” Ellie’s seemingly perpetual state of excitement spikes again.

"Hundreds of them." Joel nods. "Driftin' around up there, unused anymore." He doubts any country has retained enough of a presence to use their satellites, but who knows considering communications were cut almost from the start. You only know what FEDRA wanted you to, and that wasn't much.

“Cooooool.” It’s cooler than peeling potatoes, anyway, and that’s what she’s doing right now.

“It makes the world a little more fun to think something ordinary like a star might be something extraordinary like a still working satellite or a UFO,” you shrug your shoulders but not enough to deter Dieter from showering you in those little bits of affection he loves to give. “It’s my make believe.”

"The aliens are avoiding this planet like the plague." Joel snorts, moving over to where the fish are sitting in the sink and pulls out his knife to clean them.

“As they fucking should.” Dieter agrees without an ounce of irony.

“Dee?” Nudging your husband slightly, you can’t help but sigh a little. He’s too fucking affectionate for his own good. It’s part of how you fell for him. “Will you bring in some firewood for the stove, baby?” The old gas lines did nothing now, but through some crafty tinkering, the ovens and stones in the big hotel kitchen had been converted into wood burning operations.

"Sure." Dieter bobbles his head and looks around the kitchen with a grin. "It's like a family dinner." He observes before he darts out the door to get the wood from the pile.

“Something that most of us haven’t had in a very long time.” It hits your own nostalgia in a very different way than seeing Joel hits for Dieter, but still gives you some nice feelings of warm and fuzzy along with him.

Joel grunts, not commenting on that as he slices the fish open to clean them out. "So tell me how you met Dieter?" He asks, glancing over at you before looking back down at his work.

“I was his personal assistant. His manager pulled me out of a stack of a hundred resumes of people clawing to get to work in Hollywood.” That much of what Dieter had said earlier was true. “It was crazy hard work, but I built my life around him. It kind of snuck up on me that I’d fallen in love with him in the process.”

“It’s good though. Dieter’s always been…easy to care about when you peel through the layers of bullshit.” Joel knows exactly the trauma that had forged the actor's egocentric ways and he doesn’t blame him. Never did.

“He’s genuine. Which people don’t expect.” It’s nice to be able to talk to someone who knows the real Dieter from years ago. The unvarnished, unmasked version of him that is adoring and loyal and full of life. Hollywood had made him jaded and paranoid. Well, the drugs didn’t help that last part. “He’ll always tell you the truth to your face, and it can come across badly if you’re expecting him to schmooze and be a fake nice guy like a lot of other actors.”

“No, I can’t imagine that would go over well.” Joel snorts, although he was pretty much the same way. “It seems like you complement each other very well.”

“I soften his rough edges and he makes me more bold.” The two of you have developed a whole world all your own at this point, as you’re sure a lot of people around the world have. You can’t be the only ones who are isolated like this. “I'm glad to finally meet you, though. He’s always spoken very fondly of you.”

“I can’t imagine why.” Joel snorts, shaking his head in amusement over what Dieter had probably told you. There were times Dieter had no filter, especially when he was around people he trusted.

“You believed in him.” It’s not like you’re going to tell Joel in front of the kid that Dieter had told you explicit details of their sex life. You’re honest, not tactless. “And you supported him. I know you were young, but having that support when you’re that age is vital.”

“What did he need support over?” Ellie scoffs, still peeling her potatoes and glancing over at you with a curious look. “There’s something you’re not saying.”

“It wasn’t easy for him, being out of the closet in Texas back then.” It’s not something Dieter has ever hidden, so you know he won’t mind if you tell Ellie. You’re just careful to tiptoe around Joel’s role in the whole thing. “He was a target for every kind of awful person. But Joel protected him.”

“What, where you guys like secretly dating or something?” You couldn’t mean gay because obviously you wouldn’t be married to Dieter if he was. So you must mean bisexual. She eyes Joel as he stands at the sink.

Joel considers lying to her for a second, maybe two. Simply because she would be an annoying shit about asking questions. But the only regret he had about being with Dieter was that he hadn’t been open with it. Had kept it quiet. He doesn’t even look over his shoulder when he answers. “What of it?”

“You dick!” Ellie’s jaw drops and she practically rockets out of her seat to lean across the counter that she’s been sitting at. “You never told me that!” There’s no malice in it, not really, but a fair amount of surprise as she processes this puzzle piece of information.

Joel chuckles and turns to stare at her. “The fuck you expect, kid? Introduce myself and tell you how I swing?” He had damn near choked when she had found Bill’s dirty magazine. He glances over at you. “It’s not a secret, just not…common knowledge, ya know?”

“Yeah, I know.” The words are so much more solemn than you or Joel expect, and the expression in Ellie’s eyes is so much darker when she looks between you. “It just…it would’ve been easier…to be myself.” She murmurs, suddenly looking away from both of you. “If I had known, ya known? Then I wouldn’t have been all weird about the magazine or whatever. Cause fuck knows I don’t want to look at that shit.” It seems like the longest time that she pauses, gulping down fear, before she looks up again. “I’m fucking gay, Joel. We could’ve like…be honest with each other a lot earlier.”

“Shit kiddo.” Joel puts the fish down and wipes his hands on a towel as he turns and settles his hip on the sink, giving her his full attention. “You could have always been yourself around me.” He tells her gruffly. “Don’t judge cargo.” He sends her a small smirk, remembering the conversation in the truck later on that day. Although his feelings for the girl had changed since then. “I understand though. Dieter got his ass beat for liking boys and girls and I fucking hated it. Kicked their asses every fucking time I could. You can’t help who you love.”

“You wouldn’t have been the first asshole to drop a kid on the side of the road somewhere for being queer.” She contends, even though the water in her eyes has softened her expression measurably.

“All the shit I’ve done…” Joel shakes his head. “Never would have done that.” He promises, reaching out to ruffle her hair before he remembers they are still fishy and stops himself. “Any other questions?”

“Are you mad that I threw that dirty magazine out the window before you got to look at it?” Ellie asks, mischievous mood restored and eyebrows waggling.

Joel frowns at her. “Asshole,” he huffs, reaching out with his fishy hand on purpose this time to make Ellie shriek and duck away. “No, they weren’t my type.” He grunts. “Dieter is.”

“Dieter is what?” As if on cue, the man re-emerges in the doorway with a bucket full of split wood and looks around curiously at the mention of his name.

“Of course he comes when he hears his name.” Joel snorts, smirking at the man in question. “My type.” He clarifies, nodding towards Ellie. “She asked if we dated in high school.”

“I wondered if she would figure it out. Smart kid.” The grin that Dieter shoots her is almost proud. “Yeah. He, uh…he was my first relationship.”

“And you were…okay…with being a secret?” There’s no judgment in her tone, just raw curiosity. Being able to talk about this feels amazing, especially with adults and not the assholes she had gone to school with. She gets it, kids are dicks no matter when it is.

“We fought about it sometimes.” It’s a lot for Dieter to admit, especially to the kid, but he likes her. He likes her and she’s a straight shooter. Sassy like he wishes he had been brave enough to be at her age. “But it wasn’t about shame. It was about survival.”

"That's one of my regrets." Joel admits, looking down at his hands and sighing slightly. "That I wasn't more assertive. But we thought I would be kicked off the team and then I couldn't protect Dieter like I had been. But I should have just not given a fuck."

“You would have ended up disowned, too.” Dieter points out, shaking his head as he loads firewood into the stove. When Ellie makes a noise of confusion, he shrugs. “My old man didn’t want a fa—a queer kid — staining the family name. The second I graduated high school I was on my own.”

"At least you could stay with us over the summer until college started." It had been the last summer that Joel and Dieter had together. He had taken his scholarship to USC and he hadn't come back for a long time. Until Joel had been with Amber. "And your old man was nothing but a drunk asshole. Fuck him."

“My point is that if you had come out, we both would have been out on our asses.” He rolls his eyes at Joel as though it were obvious. “And you would have hated LA. So don’t say you would’ve just come with me and been okay.”

Joel feels the guilt of the other secret that he had kept. "Yeah, I know...." He swallows and shrugs his shoulders. "I wouldn't have had - uh, her and I can't imagine that." He hadn't ever told Ellie about Sarah and he would prefer not to.

“It’s okay.” Dieter shakes his head and stands up. Brushing his hands off is just a motion to take up space before he drags the bin of wood a few feet away. “We don’t need to get into it. Just…” he sighs and looks to Ellie. “Nobody here is straight, kid. So don’t worry about it.”

"Amber knew." Joel blurts out, unsure of why he is getting into it more when Dieter just gave him an out. "I told her...before we saw you, that last time." He takes a breath. "She didn't take it well."

“Jesus.” Dieter’s face draws long, staring at Joel when his head whips around. “She—she acted like she had barely ever heard of me.” It had actually fucked him up pretty badly for a little while. Thinking that he had meant so little to Joel that he hadn't even told his wife that they were friends? It had wrecked him.

"No." Joel shakes his head. "She— she couldn't handle the fact that I had been with you – that I was bisexual. It was 'immoral' according to her." He scowls. "After...six months after I saw you last, she just packed up and was ready to leave by the time I got home from work. Told me she couldn't be with me anymore...and left us."

“Holy shit.” For a second it’s not quite clear who’s spoken, but you reach out slowly to put your hand on Ellie’s shoulder. “C’mon,” you murmur quietly, nodding toward the door. Joel and Dieter clearly need some privacy.

“I didn’t – I’m sorry that I—” He doesn’t know what he’s sorry for. He doesn’t regret his relationship with Dieter. He loved him, despite never saying the words out loud. “I would have never been with her to begin with if I had known she was like that.” You and the girl are out of the room. “She left me to raise Sarah on my own.”

“What are you sorry for?” Dieter sputters, immediately moving to Joel like a magnet. His instinct is to hold him. To offer comfort. But he’s not sure if it’s wanted. “The fucking fact of me ruined your marriage…I’m sorry.”

“Fuck her.” Joel hisses, shaking his head. “She couldn’t accept me for who I was, accept the first person I loved. I— no, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“What did you just say?” Jaw slackened and eyes wide, Dieter stares. Those were not the words he expected to hear out of Joel’s mouth.

“What?” Joel frowns. “Fuck her? You know I don’t put up with small minded bigots. No matter who they are.”

“No, not that.” Dieter flails out of pure confusion. “You just — you said you loved me.”

“Of fucking course I loved you.” Joel growls, looking at Dieter in surprise. “You knew how I felt…didn’t you?”

“I…” He had thought so. Hoped so. But never knew absolutely or for sure. Over the years he had alternately convinced himself that Joel had felt the same or that he had completely exaggerated the way his first boyfriend felt about him. It all depended on how he was feeling about his other relationships at the time. “I was never sure.” He admits finally, feeling his shoulders sag under the weight of actually hearing the words. “You never said.”

This time it’s Joel that moves, reaching out and grabbing Dieter by the back of the neck and hauling him close to kiss him. Similar to the same way he had first kissed him in the boy’s bathroom so many years ago. Except this time, he doesn’t pull away almost immediately. Instead, he groans against his lips.

There’s something so volatile in the moment that Dieter doesn’t move at first. He’s frozen with the fear that if he so much as thinks the wrong thought that it will all disappear. It’s amazing that the spark between them doesn’t seem to have faded - or at least the attraction is very obviously still there. But that the emotion remains? That much feels like a miracle. Or maybe, like he debated so much years ago, maybe the love he still feels is entirely one sided.

Joel pulls away and shuffles slightly, aware that there was no response from Dieter despite the kiss they had shared earlier. “You never forget your first love.” He adds awkwardly. “At least I don’t.”

“I forget a lot of shit.” Dieter half-chuckles at himself, huffing a little as he presses into Joel’s space again. “But not the important things. And never you.”

“I—I should have said it.” Joel admits quietly. “Shoulda told you.” All of his regret centers around Dieter and Sarah but he could try to set things right with one of them.

“Better late than never.” Having Joel back within his grasp for even just a little while means more to Dieter than he could possibly express, and he pulls the man close now to rest his forehead against Joel’s shoulder with a sigh. “Still means more than you know.”

Joel nods, wrapping his arm around Dieter for a moment before he pulls back. “It’s good to see you.” He huffs.

“You do have a soft spot.” Dieter laughs, leaning into the warmth of Joel’s arms. “Dredging up all this old shit and letting the kid know who you were? And you still missed me.” He won’t claim that it doesn’t make him happy, or feed that part of him that still struggles with self doubt even though it’s been twenty years since the public eye stopped caring about celebrities for very good reason. The only person’s opinion he’s ever held as high as Joel’s is yours.

“Yeah, shut up.” He grumbles, even though he shoots Dieter a grin. “Get the damn fire started so we can eat sometime in the next few days.”

“You misssed me.” Dieter singsongs, smacking a kiss on Joel’s cheek before pulling away. It’s better that the moment breaks now. That he doesn’t keep pushing. That he doesn’t force Joel to push him away. Because that would hurt far, far worse than years of wondering had.

“Surprised you survived.” Joel admits, slightly choked up about finding out that his fears had been unfounded. Happy that the bright star of his childhood still shone.

Dieter shakes his head and laughs, knowing that Joel has every reason to be surprised. “Wouldn’t have without her.” He can admit to that easily. You have been keeping him afloat since the day you met. “She’s…honestly, the only person I ever loved as much as you.”

“I’m glad you found her.” Of that Joel can be completely sure of. Dieter always had a startling lack of self-preservation when it came to life skills. “Of course you would live in a hotel at the end of the world.” He had always dreamed of living in a hotel and traveling the world when they were younger.

“She thought that…that if we went to a QZ, that FEDRA would make me a figurehead.” It wasn’t too far off, really. It had happened to other people in the public eye and there was no reason they couldn’t have done it to Dieter as well. “Fuck the government in the first place, but trying to make me a pawn? We were better off here.”

“Yeah, here is better.” He won’t disagree with that, FEDRAs ironclad fist had chaffed even though Joel had done what he wanted for the most part. “It’s good you stayed here.”

“It’s getting harder.” The stove is stubborn but he gets it lit and stands back again. “Fewer fish, less rain, bad crop seasons. The earth is healing but at the same time it’s not.” He snorts. “I feel like I’m prepping for a production of The Crucible.”

Joel chuckles, but he knows that resources are getting harder to find. “I’m going to Wyoming. It’s where I last heard from Tommy.” He offers.

“Yeah.” Dieter’s head bobs in response. “And to drop off the girl, right?” As if Joel could let her go on her own. Dieter knows him better than that.

“Yeah— she’s important to the Fireflies. They have some lab and can make a cure.” Joel doesn’t know anything about the science, but it would be nice for the fucking world to be able to be rebuilt.

“Well…I hope it all goes well.” It will be a good thing for the world, if it works. But Dieter’s life won’t really change that much. Isolation has kept the two of you reasonably safe even if it is difficult.

“Have you ever thought of what you’ll do when supplies get low?” Joel asks quietly, wondering if you’ve come up with some plan.

“We always assumed there would be a day when we would have to move on.” Dieter isn’t completely useless in the kitchen and he picks up peeling the last potato that Ellie had left on the cutting board. “At this point I was starting to wonder if things would hold out until one of us was too old or sick to travel, but it’s not looking that way.”

“The road is dangerous.” Joel admits, going back to cleaning the fish. “And there is safety in numbers.” He hedges on offering them a place, feeling you might not be ready to leave the sanctuary of your home. “More eyes to watch for danger.”

“Or more people to be loud and attract attention.” Dieter shrugs, knowing he isn’t exactly the world’s most subtle or graceful human being. “People like you and her…you’re survivors. Hell, I bet even the kid could kick my ass if push came to shove.” When he shrugs again he’s looking down, mouth shut and lip bitten as if that’s the key to keeping it that way. To keeping in the thought that hurts too much to say.

“Doesn’t mean you’re weak.” Joel reasons. “Never have been. You’ve always been stronger than me.”

“Not up here.” Tapping his head for effect makes Dieter shrug again. A helpless motion if ever there was one. “Clever is what keeps people alive these days. Clever and quick. Like you, and her, and the kid.”

One of Dieter’s faults was that never truly believed he was good enough. All of his formative years being treated like shit and then worse when his father discovered his sexuality had done a number on his self-esteem. “You’re clever enough to align yourself with people who care about you. Who will do anything to ensure you survive.” He offers instead of arguing a point Dieter wouldn’t believe. “And I bet you’d do anything to protect your wife.”

“I’d die for her.” There is no question of hesitation in that for him. Just like there is no question that he would still die for Joel.

“It takes bravery, cleverness to understand that, even more so to mean it.” Joel tells him. “Stop selling yourself short, Black.”

“If you ever write an inspirational monologue, I’ll be sure to read it over the radio for you.” He huffs, unwilling to take the compliment. “But you’ll have to find a radio first. We don’t have one. Fuckin’ things fry your brain.”

Joel chuckles and rolls his eyes. “Better than the fungus.” He banters, finishing up the fish and washing his hands in a small bowl of water. “Do you have salt?”

“Cupboard behind you.” Some things were still in abundance, thankfully. The hotel had had recent food delivery when the Outbreak hit, and whole pallets of spices had been stocked in the kitchen.

Joel hums as he looks through the spices available. “Mind if I use a few of these?” He asks, looking over his shoulder. When Dieter shakes his head, Joel picks out a few that he’s sure will make the fish taste incredible and brings them over to the table. “You remember the shit we used to cook?” He chuckles, shaking his head.

“Calling it cooking is generous. I’m surprised Tommy survived some of the shit we made.” When Joel’s parents would be gone and Dieter would stay over, there was often no cash for pizza or fast food, but a fridge full of ingredients that required cooking. Cooking that they had not been very good at.

“At least it means that we can stomach the shit we have to eat now.” Joel laughs. “Although heartburn is a bitch now.”

“Right?” It’s a son of a bitch and Dieter groans. “Not like we’re eating pizza or lasagna or anything like that, though. I hate to think it could be worse.”

“Not without antacids.” Joel huffs. “We’re getting fuckin’ old.” He wouldn’t ever say it like that around the kid, but he’s feeling his age. “I’m 56 fuckin’ years old.”

“It stopped mattering twenty years ago.” The peeled potatoes need to be diced and Dieter hunts down a knife to keep working. “The fact that we’re still alive is either a miracle or a punishment.”

“Probably a little of both.” Joel carefully seasons the fish and sighs. “Although I can’t believe that you are fucking sober 20 years.”

“It’s not like I’m not trying.” Dieter scoffs. “You do remember the words bathtub moonshine, don’t you?”

“I meant drugs.” Joel snorts. “Ironic since I was a supplier in the QZ.”

“Other people still have drugs?!” The look on Dieter’s face is absolutely scandalized, like it’s his birthday and someone just told him he could never have presents ever again. “It’s been twenty years! Are you telling me the drug trade survived and I’ve been out here using my imagination like a chump?”

“Traded Hydros for ration cards with the FEDRA guards.” Joel can’t help but smirk at the horror on his former lover’s face. It was very cute. Every time he got a supply in, he had thought about Dieter.

“Real stuff?” He asks and crumples onto a stool when Joel nods yes. “What a waste. I would’ve given you ration cards and a blow job.”

Fuck. Joel’s eyes widen slightly and his cock twitches in his jeans. He doubts Dieter had lost any talent in that smart mouth of his, although he knows he’s rusty in the dick sucking department. “Shit.” He groans. “You would have gotten them for free.”

That just makes his former lover smirk and throw him a wink across the counter. “And you still would’ve gotten your dick sucked.”

“Who’s to say I didn’t get my dick sucked anyway?” Joel teases. Dieter hasn’t been celibate; he’s been married so it’s not like he hasn’t gotten his fair share of sex.

“I’m sure you have.” After all, he had been honest when he said the silver fox look worked for Joel. He was always handsome, and clearly aging didn’t hurt his looks at all. “It would be a damn shame if you didn’t. I’m just saying I would have been the one doing it.”

“You could never resist.” He couldn’t remember how many times he woke up with his dick in Dieter’s mouth when he spent the night. Not that he minded.

Dieter shrugs unapologetically. “It’s a good dick.”

______ Master Tags: @pixiedurango @chattychell @winter-fox-queen @lady-himbo @artsymaddie @princess76179 @paintballkid711 @missminkylove @pedrosbrat @ew-erin @sarahjkl82-blog @sharkbait77 @justanotherblonde23 @lv7867 @recklesswit @mylittlesenaar @f0rever15elf @gallowsjoker @steeevienicks @athalien @sherala007 @skvatnavle @thatpinkshirt @jaime1110 @girlimjusttryingtoreadfanfics @goodgriefitsawildworld @greeneyedblondie44 @katheriner1999 @littlemousedroid @harriedandharassed @churchill356 @ajathegreats-blog @hardc0rehaylz @beardsanddetectives @kirsteng42 @ladykatakuri @adancedivasmom @madiebear @tanzthompson @emilianamason @bigsdinger @xocalliexo @pedr0swh0r3 @avaleineandafryingpan @charlyrmv @avidreader73 @iceclaw101

My Masterlist!

#Pedro Pascal #Pedro Pascal character fanfiction #Pedro Pascal fanfic #Joel Miller #Dieter Bravo #Joel Miller x Dieter Bravo #Joel Miller x Dieter Bravo x reader #Joel Miller x reader #Joel Miller x you #Joel Miller x female reader #Dieter Bravo x reader #Dieter Bravo x you #Dieter Bravo x female reader #The Last of Us #The Last of Us HBO #tlou #tlou hbo #The Bubble #crossover fic

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wraenata · 1 year

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You seem to put a lot of energy into being considerate of others. I'm thankful for it but like, how? I hope you're taking care of yourself.

Hi anon! Thank you very much, I really appreciate this.

I really like being considerate of others, in fact it makes me happy. When I see someone having a down day, I just want them to know that someone saw, and wants things to get better for them. Because that's how I really feel. I love all of you in my phone and I want you to be ok. And I like leaving nice tags for people on their art, because I know how much joy that can bring.

But, ugh, yeah. I'm not going to lie, it takes a lot of energy.

I think I'll put the rest under the cut...

Ever since the months started getting warmer this year I've been having more trouble keeping up with my dash (I'm someone who needs to scroll through the whole thing). Before the wedding I was in and covid about a month ago, I was able to just barely keep up with my dash and also scrolling the rise tag. Because I didn't want to miss anything! I also was able to scroll through ao3 to see what new fics were posted and bookmark ones I wanted to read! I...haven't been able to do that anymore...and I hate it.

I'm so far behind on reading fanfics that I absolutely enjoy because I just don't have the energy for reading anything longer than 1k at a time right now. And I can't start any new ones until I catch up on the old ones. There are so many writing posts I came across on my dash that are stuck in draft jail until I have time and energy to read them. And quite a few art posts that I came across when I just didn't have time.

I try hard to keep up with my dash at work but I only have so much (extremely generous) time to do that. I'm often speed running tags when I don't have a lot of time or energy. And sometimes I can't express just how much I love your art because of that low time or energy. And I hate putting posts in drafts cause it piles up and gives me anxiety. And when I come home its just, dash, all night.

I am eternally grateful for @/teainthesnow, she keeps all the tmnt tagged posts coming onto my dash so I can still see them (if you see this tea I am so appreciative of all the work you do for the fandom, you are an amazing person and I love you/platonic).

I've already unfollowed a few blogs, and I agonized over it, for like weeks, before doing it. But it hasn't been enough. If you noticed I unfollowed you in the past 2 months, please know that it was nothing personal and I hated that I had to do it. I miss seeing your posts and how your day is going. We are mutuals in my heart forever.

In fact I wish I could follow so many more blogs but I have had to stop myself for a while now. And it really fucking sucks. I've tried filtering a bunch of tags to make it easier too but it's not enough.

The fact of the matter is, I need to unfollow more blogs. And I hate to do it. I know I need to do it. I've known for a while now. I don't have the energy to keep up with it anymore, not after getting covid. I'm just so tired. All the time.

If you see that I unfollow you at some point, again, I love you and we are mutuals in my heart forever. All of my followers are my mutuals. My askbox and messages are always open. You can always tag me in posts (and oh my I'm just remembering all the of tag games I haven't had time to do) I just can't keep up with this anymore. I want to get back to reading fanfic and making the mountains of fanart I want to do for people.

I just, I love you all. But I'm so so tired. I really hope if anything comes out of this long ramble, its that I love you all. The rise fandom has given me so much and I want to return that love.

I'm sorry for the late response anon, and I'm sorry for turning your lovely ask into a bit of a vent. I've tried to put this off for as long as I could, but I just can't do it anymore.

I love you all though <3

#wren askbox #wren screams at 4 am #vent post #sorta #thank you anon for your care I really appreciated it <3

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fitpacs · 4 months

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I'm sorry if this is too negative, if you don't want to answer you don't have too. This is 🐝 anon who started watching Fit's qsmp streams from the beginning with Ramón, because I didn't get into the qsmp until the fall. I got up until Fit and Ramón showed Tazercraft and Richas the elevator Ramón was building. I'm not able to continue to watch because after every admin leaving and coming out with their stories it all felt very pointless.

Knowing all of the lore didn't matter. That there wasn't a set plan for the eggs at all. I don't understand why the eggs just couldn't hatch instead of what we got in the end. It all feels incredibly empty, I cried a lot yesterday and I felt stupid for doing so, I'm 33 years old but seeing the emotions of all the fans here and the players got me as well.

It's very similar to a very good show suddenly being cancelled midseason, no resolutions to any of the storylines, no happy endings. I know the players and admins have very good reason to quit the qsmp, but a selfish part of me had hoped for at least a more sweet than bitter ending.

I know Fit and Pac will play other games together again soon, that's somewhat of a comfort. Maybe Tio Pablo and Tio Fabio can get married and give us a happy ending.

Thanks for being a sunshine,

-🐝

of course i’ll answer you, bee anon, i value you and our seldom conversations!

i really really feel for you with this, i know how excited you were to catch up with all the lore, and quite honestly my heart aches for you with it.

i think we’re all - more than likely the admins too - kind of selfish for wanting a ‘better’ ending; the admins were busy working on their own intricate lore and it all got scrapped through no fault of their own and it’s so fucking sad

it’s EXACTLY like a show getting cancelled mid-season, that’s such a good way of putting it! sadly that’s pretty much all our cubitos are now… characters that we had to say goodbye to before we or they were ready

it feels so fucking empty now - and regardless of age, i think everyone is feeling it, whether it be the fans that distanced themselves a while ago when things started coming out about behind the scenes, or those of us that are feeling it now, incredibly raw - we all adored this server and regardless of age we’re allowed to feel it!

it feels so raw for me personally, i was still holding out even the littlest wisp of hope and now it’s fully extinguished it hurts dude, it hurts so much

the one light in all of this is knowing that the admins will move onto bigger and better things (i’m trying to get into shelter smp) and i’ve discovered many more streamers i wouldn’t have found otherwise, but it doesn’t take away my right to feel sad about the ending of something that could have thrived and prospered for so much longer if only the people pulling the strings cared as much as we and the admins/players did

sorry, bee anon, i rambled for ages to you but im sad and have lots of thoughts, emotions and opinions and they’re starting to trickle out :(

even though the server is ending - yeah i said it - my askbox will always be open and i hope our community can stay as close knit as it has been these last few months x

#so sorry bee anon #usually it’s pommunist that gets these sad rambles from me

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vacantgodling · 1 year

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I have a burning question for you. One we all need answers to (only if you want to feel free to let this ask rot in your askbox for eternity you have my permission.)

is donut wip alive

KAT!!! i’m happy to see ya :’)

technically speaking donut wip & the entirety of the liminal space series as a whole are still alive! (i’m not a huge fan of killing off my wips i usually just shelve them indefinitely until i circle back to the idea) — couple of reasons it’s shelved rn tho

1. paramour brainrot >>>>>>>> like seriously this wip has made me insane idk what magical combination of tropes and ideas i managed to spark like 2 years ago but i have never been this abnormal about a wip ever i think lol. so a lot of my wips have been sidelined in favor of my Child.

2. i got Super Stuck. not just regular stuck where you get writers block for a bit then move on no, i mean Super Stuck as in i was stuck on donut wip chapter 15 i think for like a year and a half before i finally said “i cannot force myself to write more in this draft i have to take a break” so i stepped back from it and the series in general to figure out what was going on with me and my brain. and i think really what it came down to is at that time it wasn’t fun for me to write? it felt very much like a chore—despite all of its horror it seemed “safer” to write. it was the thing people were expecting out of me and i felt like i was writing more to fulfill expectations than to actually write this story because i enjoy it. AND I DO ENJOY IT!! that’s the crazy thing. i really like this story and the nuance i allowed to grow into it when it literally started as me being “fuck it write a horror novel just to finish something and don’t care about the characters” but i care about them so much now etc etc.

but because i don’t do well when i feel forced it just sucked the joy out of it for me. paramour in comparison, has never felt forced. it’s always exciting and stimulating to my brain because it is a wip that is so very Me all over it. and i wanted donut wip to have that same feel but i gotta give it more time. maybe i’ll try doing the outline to writing method that i’ve been doing and working for paramour so i can avoid getting stuck again.

however, i did actually rewrite donut wip’s chapter 1 proper back in may of this year—i wanted to see if i could come back to it and make myself write it Forreal and i could! i did! and i’m really happy with it! which is exciting! and as a treat you (and anyone else who reads this full nonsense ramble or remembers donut wip from eons ago) can read that revamped first chapter—first official piece of donut wip writing i’ve ever really posted. just cuz like tbh it means a lot to me that you care about that story weh ;3; and remember—

so without any more waffling: here is chapter one, uncensored from spoilers so u get drawn into the mystery 👀

Chapter One

I groaned when my guitar string snapped again for the third time today, the discordant twang echoing in my large dorm, up to the rafters. I heard Andres laugh from Tiffany’s bed.

“Oh yeah, making faces at it will help.”

“Fuck off.” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Toss me…” I waggled my pointer finger towards a stack of boxes between Tiffany’s bed and my desk. Opened and dangerously leaning was a box of replacement guitar strings, near empty and I’d only bought them a few months ago. “… Those.” Andres didn’t move though. I groaned again.

“Andre!” I snapped my finger and my voice at him. “Strings!”

“I’m not a dog. Besides, you’ve been at this for three hours. When are you finally gonna give up for the day and spend some time with your bestie?” He put emphasis on the word, but the trill of his voice was playful. “Hmm. I have been buggin‘ on this part a bit.” I pretended to think, tapping my thumb against my cheek. He seemed hopeful. I caved and laughed aloud. “Later!” I giggled at his groan. “I wanna make sure this melody’s flowin’ right before I break. Then we can play Spyro or whatever else ya wanna do.” Seeing as he couldn’t be bothered to give me my strings, I got up myself and toed my way through the mess that was steadily building up on the floor between the beds. I snatched up the box before Andres could knock it over with his outstretched foot.

“Oh, you watch it mister.”

“Sooooory.” He dragged out, but his grin told me he wasn’t sorry. I flipped him off, then flopped back down on my bed, quickly setting to work on restringing. More of them had begun snapping lately as I composed, but I chalked it up to stress. Finals wore me down this semester, more than they had in our first year, but it was bittersweet that they were over now. This year went by so fast, it’s like I blinked and it was December again. Beside me on the bed my bright yellow phone buzzed.

“Who’s that?” Andres asked. I flipped it open to look at the message.

from: vivi

Are you sure you want to stay for winter break?

from: vivi

Dad wanted me to ask again.

I tossed my phone back on the bed.

“Just my sister!” I said cheerfully. “Doing dad’s errands again. I told him I didn’t want to deal with him and Miss Borsche.” I wrinkled my nose. “He’s been buggin’ her to get me to come with them since I told him no.”

“Come with them… where?”

“Oh usually dad goes on some sorta cruise or vacation for the holidays. But, he never invites Vi. So I never go.”

“Why doesn’t he invite her?” The question was posed nonchalantly, and I looked over at Andres, who was looking down at his smartphone.

I’d venture to say that we’d become near best friends now after the past year and a half of knowing each other, yet there was still a lot we didn’t know about each other. I knew he had siblings, but not their names, and he knew about Juvia, but not anything more than that. I knew his family wasn’t rich but they worked extra to push him through school. He knew that mine was, but I had loans out the ass. We played guessing games every now and again—to get to know each other. But whenever there was some real-life line we went to cross in our blossoming friendship, he was always open and I always hesitated. It’s just how it were.

“She…” I tilted my head back and forth a bit. “It’s a bit complicated, I reckon.”

“Then take your time telling me. I’m not rushing you.” Our eyes caught, and he gave me a tiny smile that I couldn’t not return back. But things fell quiet after that, and I turned back to my strings.

Winter break was here, and the freedom that came with it curled around our slowly emptying building like the fresh blanket of snow that dusted our sleepy little college town. On the telly earlier, there were talks about a blizzard rolling in sometime between today and tomorrow. The snow for now was peaceful, and inviting. It crowned even my windowsill when I woke up this morning, and even if I wasn’t with Juvia in person, the holiday buzz still felt strong in the air.

A rap on the door drew me out of my thoughts.

”It’s open!” I called. The handle clicked then pushed open a crack, just enough for someone to poke their head in.

“Kelley.” Andres acknowledged the second I breathed out “Joaquin!” Our R.A regarded us with a lazy smile, and my eyes traced the curve of his handsome mouth. A flush of heat shivered through my body, and I darted my eyes away when they met mine.

“How are you two holding up here? Your folks coming soon?”

“Negativo.” Andres leaned back on Tiffany’s pillow, stretching one leg out into the air. I heard something pop and I made a face. “They’re back home and I don’t have enough money for a plane ticket there. So I’m staying.” Joaquin nodded easily, then he turned to me again. “Julissa?”

“Just Juls is okay!” I said quickly. I coughed. “Um, no, I’m also staying. If that’s alright?”

“No rules against it.” Joaquin flashed me a smile. “I was checking to see who’s still going to be here so I can send a final count to the director.”

“Is it just gonna be us?” Andres asked.

“No, there’s,” Joaquin paused to pop open the door a little further, and leaned against the wall. He counted on his fingers. “The three of us. Then, Daisy Kennedy, on the third floor. René Edwards, down the hall and….” He looked up at the ceiling, trying to remember. “Ah, Saul…Carson, I believe. Top floor.”

“Didn’t know you had someone named Saul on your floor.” I said, looking over to Andres. He snorted. “Me either. Aside from my roommates, I only really talk to you Juls.”

“You’re such a loner.” I teased, as though I was any better. Andres chucked Tiffany’s pillow at me.

“Hey!”

“Actually Kelley?” Andres started. I threw the pillow back and nailed him in the torso, making him choke on his next words. Joaquin’s quiet huff of a laugh distracted me for two seconds—enough for me to let my guard down. Andres jumped from Tiffany’s bed to mine and grabbed me in a headlock.

“Andre!” I shrieked, but he was merciless. His freehand dug into my side and began to tickle at my sides. It wasn’t long before I was howling with laughter, trying to desperately shove him off me. Amused, Joaquin waited patiently with his arms folded loosely over his chest.

Andres finally relented and let me go and I kicked his shin for good measure. “God, I can’t breathe.” I wheezed. Andres laughed jovially, then turned back to Joaquin. “I was going to ask if we had to stay in our dorms while we were here?”

“Well,” He looked between Andres and I, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t think you need my permission, you’re both adults.” I felt heat swarm my dark cheeks and next to me Andres sputtered. “It’s nothing like that!” He snapped. “I just mean, I got a leak in my room and Juls offered to let me crash here. I just don’t know if the break protocol is different than during the school year.”

“A leak?” Joaquin frowned, reaching for his phone. It was similar to Andres’s, clear and sleek. He tapped a few buttons. “From the roof?”

“Yeah. I woke up this morning to snow dripping down my face.” Andres shrugged. “I don’t know how long the leak has been there, it’s been pretty dry this year. But I don’t want to deal with it, it’s literally right above my bed.”

“Like I said, you don’t really need my permission to stay wherever you’d like. But thanks for telling me, I just scheduled a maintenance request.” Joaquin tucked his phone back into his tight jeans. “Should be a few days but it should be fixed.”

“If it wasn’t snowing, I’d get up there and do it myself.” I hit Andres with my hand lightly. “That’s dangerous.”

“Wouldn’t want you falling off.” Joaquin hummed. “Now that I would be held responsible for.”

“Are you staying too, Joaquin?” I asked. Andres elbowed me. “He just said that. Earth to Juls, get your mind out of the gutter.”

“It wasn’t there in the— Oh, I hate you!” Andres and I began squabbling again and from the door Joaquin laughed. “I’ll leave you all to it!”

“Thanks for coming by!” I called after him as he moved from the doorway. Before I turned fully back to Andres, from the corner of my eye, I saw… something follow after Joaquin. I couldn’t get a good enough look at it, but what I did see looked like a cream colored tail.

#s: donut wip #ren writing #spoilers ig #thank u for asking again sorry this is a RAMBLE but i hope if u read the chapter it’s worth it

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shadowsong26fic · 9 months

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Open Question Night!

Because I'm hanging around and I feel like it's been a while since I've done one of these, so why not. Also to sort of. Change the mood after my last post, lol.

For those of you who haven't been here before, I do this every so often. My askbox is always open, but these are nights where I'm keeping an active eye on things.

Any fandom or project I've talked about here or posted on AO3 is fair game. I do accept prompts, but cannot promise I'll fill them in a timely manner (I think I have a few still sitting, waiting to be filled, from. A couple years ago...plus I have ten days to finish up the Year of the OTP and I'm like. Six months behind lol XD)

...anyway. Yeah, that's how this works! My current primary fandoms are BSG, SW, and Les Mis, but again anything I've written or posted about here or on AO3 is fair game, as is my original work.

What's on your mind?

#open question night

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offonaherosjourney · 1 year

Note

Hey a while ago you had a glitch where your posts wont showing up in tags, you couldnt open messages, and your reblogs didnt show. right? how did you get out of it.

I don't know if this will be your case but my problem was because I saw a post saying people messaged their new followers who had big bot energy in case they were actual people and simply new to tumblr. So I thought that hey before blocking suspicious new followers o sight I could message them first. And I messaged a dozen blogs in a short span of time. And when I tried to message number thirteen I couldn't and I found out my chat window had vanished and all the other stuff you mention. So I contacted support. And waited. And waited. And waited. And the more I waited for an answer the more I freaked out about the softblock, because a couple months earlier a bunch of transphobes reported a post of mine and made it vanished from the tags so I contacted support and got an answer in less than 24h (the post has since gone missing again and it's a tag with no traffic so it's not like it got buried). By the time a week had gone by and I still didn't have an answer I was convinced that the softblock was stopping my support request getting through (it wasn't, support was just very busy). So yeah, idk what caused your situation but use the support form and just assume you might stay softblocked like that for about two weeks. If you have sideblogs you should still be able to use their message tabs and make posts with them. Oh, and even if it looks like you can send asks with your mainblog... don't, they never make it to the receiver's askbox while you are softblocked, but they will pop up randomly a couple weeks later. Which is why I hope you used a different email to send this ask, and that it isn't showing up several weeks late in my askbox

#nym's posts #nym's asks

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hertzwritings · 2 years

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Play pretend

A/N: Exam season is ON, my loves, and despite my love for writing and my WIPS, I need to focus on those darn exams. So, instead, you’re getting a week of one-shots, because I need my creative outlet.

You can buy me a coffee here, and I’ll write you a personalized drabble (500-1000 words), one-shot (1500-5000 words) or a multichapter fic (5500-??? Words) with what you’ve always wanted. Want Henry to be homeless and a starving artist? Sure thing, babes. Want a BDSM relationship with Steve Rogers? Anytime. Fluffy love with August Walter? Yup. 40’s professor Bucky? YES.

I love y’all so much and thank you for your OUTPOUR of support. I can’t tell you how much it means to me. Remember, feedback feeds the soul (mine, in particular), and my requests – and askbox – are always open – there’s no limits, because I am me and I have none.

MASTERLIST

ASK ME ANYTHING/REQUESTS

Pairing: Henry Cavill x female reader (Best friends to lovers)

Contains: Fluff, slight angst, please-pretend-to-be-my-boyfriend-to-make-my-ex-jealous-trope, smut (18+ MINORS DNI), fingering, p in v, oral (f and m recieving), unprotected sex, slight cum-play, cream-pie, praise-kink, slight voyerism, slight exhibitionism, language

W.C.: 4.378

Play pretend

Fuck. Fucking fuck, fuck, fuck. You pace your room, trying to decide if you should just call and tell Abby you’d gotten sick, maybe fell and broke your leg, or if you should admit defeat and show up – there was nothing you’d want less than show up, single and still seething over your breakup, at a party where your damn ex was. Apparently, it had been a last-minute decision on his part, and Abby had been really sorry about it – she had invited him to her end-of-summer bash months ago, when you were still dating, and now he wanted to come.

With his new girlfriend. Who just so happened to be the same girl, he had cheated on you with. Classic.

You sighed and sat down on your bed, calling Henry; he usually made you feel eons better, so perhaps he had some sort of gold nugget for you and your current spiral of feelings. He picks up after three rings, his voice making you feel calm instantly.

“Hey, love. What’s up?” “Can you kill me? Just… Like for a day?” “Err… I think that might prove to be slightly problematic. Death is, as you probably know, pretty final.” You grunt and fall backwards on your bed. “Zach is coming to the damn party.” “Ouch.” You hummed. “Ouch indeed. He’s bringing his new fling. Girlfriend, whatever.” “Double ouch.” You narrowed your eyes and heard the sounds in the background. “Hang on, are you gaming through my panic?” He chuckled. “No, not at all. I would never.” The sounds stilled. “You just paused.” “I did not.” You laughed. “Fine, you left the lobby, then.” He was quiet for a heartbeat and then spoke again. “Maybe. Anyway, what are you going to do?” You sighed. “I don’t know. Break a leg to have an excuse to not show up?” “Abby’ll kill you. She’s been planning this for months, love.” “Yeah, yeah, I know… I just… Ugh.” You rolled to your stomach. “I just don’t want to show up single as a pringle.” “I never understood that term. Pringles are by definition not single. They’re literally spooning in the can.” “Okay, well, you know what I mean, you jerk.” You laughed. “I just want to feel… I don’t know. I’m over him, it isn’t that, but…” “You want to get the upper hand, right?” You nodded and remembered he couldn’t see you. “Yeah.” “Hm.” He was quiet for a while, clearly thinking over your options. “Do you still have that dress from the red carpet last year?” “Y-yeah, but that’s like… Too much.” “Not with me, it isn’t’.” You coughed and shot straight up. “What?” “Can you be ready in an hour?” You glanced at the clock and your reflection in the mirror – it might take some work, but you could get yourself ready in an hour or less. “I guess so.” “Good. I’m coming with you. Let’s make him jealous as hell.” “Wait, Henry, I can’t ask you…” “You’re not asking, I’m offering. Honestly, do you remember how jealous he got when you went with me to the premiere? And how much he hated the rumors after?” You did. It tore a right rift through your relationship, but you refused to budge – you had helped Henry and you wanted to go, even though Zach was losing his mind all night, texting you seven times a minute. “Yes…” “Good. Let’s make those fears real.” Your stomach flipflopped. “Huh?” “I’ll pretend to be your boyfriend for the night. Come on, it’s been forever since we’ve done something stupid, and I have several suits that would lend themselves perfectly for a gala.” You drew a deep breath. He wasn’t wrong. You knew Abby would be over the moon to see Henry again, you’d have a date for the night, and you’d be sipping champagne with Henry for a night. “Fine.” “I’ll be there in an hour.”

You sprang into action as soon as he hung up, shuffling through your closet to find the red silk dress that you had worn to the premiere; it still fit you perfectly and you even had the black pumps you wore the same night. Now, to your face.

--------

“Are you sure you’re cool with this? We can still turn around.” You said as the car pulled around a corner, leading to the mansion, Abby had rented for the day and night. “Oh, we’re not turning around. I hate that guy, if I get a chance to make him mad, I’ll take it.” “You don’t hate people, Henry.” You grinned and felt his fingers weave between yours, giving you a reassuring squeeze. “I don’t. But he’s not people, he’s an arse.” Your brows flew up. “What? It’s true! I even told you when you started dating!” he said with a huff. “Yeah, yeah, don’t give me the whole I told you so speech. You have dated idiots too.” “Let’s agree that we both suck at finding partners.” He said with a smirk and a wink.

The driver cleared his throat. “Sir, we’re here.” “Ah, thank you, Samuel. Ready? We gotta play the part.” He nudges you with his broad shoulder. “Sure thing. Let’s get this show on the road.”

As soon as you step outside, you’re hit with warm air and the gentle flow of music and light chatter. Henry wraps his arm around your waist and he’s practically lifting you to the garden, where lights shower the grass, people and cream-colored tablecloths in a golden hue. You spot Abby first, and she squeals when she sees you, and then squeals louder when she sees Henry. “Holy shit, you’re here!?” She pulls him in for a hug and sends you wide eyes. He chuckles. “Couldn’t leave my best girl to fend for herself. “Ooooh. Because of Zach?” “Yup. Let’s keep that between yourselves, please. We have a part to play.” You say with a grin and become vaguely aware of the chatter and eyes of people, looking to you and Henry. You didn’t realize until too late, that many probably would take pictures. With him and you in them. Which will definitely end up on a gossip site by morning. “Don’t worry about it, love.” He whispers, his lips catching the shell of your ear. You tremble a little. “Sure?” he nods. “Let’s go find asshat and his girl.” You notice the small gasps as people around you realize who’s next to you but pay them no mind – it wouldn’t be the first time you feel and hear the whispers and eyes on you. Occupational hazard, you supposed.

The trek through the garden and several pavilions was long, but you did manage to say hi to a few other friends, you hadn’t seen in a while; Grim was wearing the most dapper suit, you had ever seen, a midnight blue color littered with small, golden swirls and patterns; it looked amazing on him. “Dude. Look at you!” He twirled once, his purple hair flying out from his face. “Don’t even start with me. Look at you!” He pointed to the dress. “How the hell did you get yourself that?” You laughed. “Curtesy of the ever-amazing Henry, of course.” His eyes flicked up to meet Henry’s eyes and nodded once, said hey, man, before he gulped and looked back. “Shit. You’re Geralt.” “And Superman, but I rarely brag.” He held a hand out to Grim, who shook it with trembling hands. “I… Am a huge fan.” He whispered. “What the hell are you doing here with Y/N?” Right. Grim didn’t really know about your friendship. “Oh, she didn’t tell you?” Henry cocked an eyebrow at you, and you shrugged in a didn’t get a chance to kind of way. He wrapped his arm around your waist again and kissed the top of your head. “We’re, er, well…” “Henry’s my boyfriend.” You blurted out and you wished you had a camera to capture Grim’s expression – it was priceless. “Holy… Fucking… Shit.” He breathed. “Oh, dude, when Zach sees this, he’s going to blow a few fuses.” You just laughed and followed Henry, when he led you on, waving at Grim, who instantly turned to his friend and began whispering in hushed, frantic tones.

You spotted him from miles away. He was wearing a gaudy powder blue suit, that didn’t fit right over his shoulders, and you couldn’t help but grin at Henry – he looked like a damn model, the grey suit fitting perfectly over his broad shoulders and he held himself in a way, that few men could boast to do. Zach’s eyes fell on you, widening as he took your appearance in, before narrowing at the man next to you. You grabbed a champagne flute from a passing waiter and tipped the glass to him. He stalked to you as you drank, while Henry bent down to whisper in your ear. “I hope you can act your pretty, little butt off.” You choked on your champagne.

“Y/N. Didn’t think to see you here.” Zach smiled tightly at you, his fingers digging into the side of his girlfriend’s hips – she was staring unabashedly at Henry. “It is my friend’s party, so…” You smiled sweetly. “Henry.” Zach pretty much spat the name out like it caused him great pain to say. “Zachariah.” Henry looked disinterested and tightened his grip on your waist, thumb drawing lazy circles over your dress. “Fancy meeting you here.” “Well, I wouldn’t let my girl come alone, would I?” He smiled at Zach, who seemed to shrink a little under Henry’s eyes. “This is Sophia.” He nodded to the girl, who batted her eyelids at Henry in what you assumed she thought was a coquettish way. It wasn’t. “Hello. I must say, I’m a huge fan of yours.” She extended her hand to Henry, who just looked at it with a raised brow. “Must say, I’m not a huge fan of yours.” He smiled. You snickered into his chest. “Henry.” “What?” he sounded amused. “I’m just being honest, my love.” He kissed your hair again. “So… You two are a thing now?” Zach asked, sneering. “Yeah. God, it was what, two weeks after we split up, right, babe?” You ask him innocently. “Yeah. Officially.” He grinned back at you. You could almost feel Zach’s anger radiating off his body, and Sophia shifted uncomfortably on her feet. “You cheated?” He asked tensely. You cocked your head to the side and narrowed your eyes at him. “I don’t think you’re one to talk about cheating, are you?” You looked at Sophia, who at least had the damn curtesy to look slightly shameful. “Anyway, it’s been nice seeing you. Bye, Zach, Sophie.” You ignored her trying to correct you and walked away with Henry.

You were both laughing loudly as you waited for the car to come and pick you up, having seen Zach glare daggers at you both throughout the night – it had honestly been fun as hell, and you were thankful that Henry came with you. Abby had just shot you a knowing look – not that you were privy to what that was about – when you bid your goodbyes and walked to the end of the garden, sitting down in damp grass.

“God, did you see his face? I’m sure he’ll be seething into the next century.” Henry laughed and wrapped his arm around your shoulder. You nodded and snorted. “The man still think he had a claim, I guess. Not anymore.” You grinned back at Henry. “You know what we should do?” He asked, pulling you closer and grabbed your clutch, pulling your phone out. “We should take a picture of us. Kissing. Just to really get him going.” “I, uh…. What?” You asked, a lump in your throat. “Oh, come on! It’ll be great, he’ll finally get it. He definitely hasn’t by now, it would seem.” He glanced at your phone, where several texts from Zach lit up. You managed to read baby a few times. “Ugh.” You rolled your eyes. “You know what, fine.” He grinned and held out your phone in front of him. “Has anyone ever told you that you have weirdly long arms?” You asked, scooting closer to him and wrapping your arm around his waist. Your dress is getting wet from the grass, and the slight chill of it makes goosebumps rise on your bare thighs. “No, but I have been told they’re way too big to be normal.” He said with a grin. “Come on, plant one on me.” You turn and kiss his cheek. “Aw, come on. We have to do that again.” He said exasperated. “What’s wrong with it?” You asked, dumbfounded. “On the cheek? What am I, your grandfather?” He scoffs. “Come on, give me a real kiss. Promise, I won’t make it weird.”

No, he might not, but you just might. Kissing him, here, in the darkness without anyone around, made your heartrate spike and despite being just fine with being friends with him for so long, your suppressed feelings slowly inch themselves closer to the surface at the very thought of kissing him. “Seriously, he won’t believe that.” He finds the picture and you have to agree; it looks to friendly and jovial to be anything more. “Alright, fine, but just…” You gesture wildly with your hands. “I got you.” He angles the phone a little and holds it out, looking at your reflections in the camera with furrowed brows. “Is this a good angle? I don’t want chubby cheeks.” “Like you’d ever get chubby cheeks. You’re chiseled by gods.” You murmur. “Heard that.” He grinned. “Come on, let’s just… We’ll count down.” He looks at you and you exhale deeply. “One… Two… Three.” On three, his lips found yours and you were a goner.

His lips were demanding but soft, gliding with ease across yours. Maybe it was the years of friendship, maybe he just had a special affinity with kissing, but he just knew how you liked it. His lips were perfect against yours, and you sighed into the kiss; he didn’t waste a golden opportunity, and slid his tongue inside of your mouth, letting your tongues tangle with each other. It was definitely longer than what was needed for a picture, but you really didn’t care. Your hands found the nape of his neck and pulled him closer, urgency coloring the kiss. He pulled away with a groan, his chest heaving, and the phone long forgotten in his hand. His eyes were on yours.

“You… That…” He breathed deeply. “That was insane. You felt that, right?” You didn’t have the capacity to talk right now, so you just nodded. “But just in case… We should try again, just to make sure that was insane, really.” “For science, of course.” You said in a voice, that was way breathier than you were used to. “Yeah, science.” He said quickly, slotting his lips over yours again and practically devoured you. You whined against his lips, the lust and desperation definitely leaking from you, but he just groaned, his teeth finding your lip and tugging it gently. His tongue was downright sinful against yours. He pulled away, but rested his forehead against yours, finding your eyes. You were both breathing heavily now, your hands tangled in his hair.

Something snapped inside of the both of you at the same time, and you scrambled to get on his lap, straddling him and pressed your lips against his again. He groaned against you, and you – to your joy – felt something twitch against your thigh. “You’re hard.” You mumbled against his lips, letting your own travel from his to his jawline. “Damn right, it’s fucking hard. Shit, Y/N…” His fingers were holding your waist with bruising force, but you needed more. You rolled your hips again. “I bet you’re wet as hell for me, aren’t you, love? So fucking wet, even without me touching you…” He gasped as you sucked on his neck. You hummed as his grip tightened. “Fuck this, come on.” He stood, lifting you off his lap with ease and grabbed your hand, almost running to a small pavilion on the far end of the garden, leading away from people. You struggled to keep up, your heels digging into the soft grass, and you huffed, stopped and pulled them off. The cold, wet grass felt somewhat calming on you as it hit the soles of your feet. “Come on.” He pulled you under the softly lit pavilion, his lips on yours in an instant again. His hands were desperately bunching your dress up over your hips, and you mewled, when the tip of his finger hit your soaking underwear. He grinned deviously against your lips. “All that already? Darling, I’d think you’ve wanted me for far longer than just…” You shut him up with a kiss. “Shut up and fuck me.” He complied easily, tugging his jacket off and throwing it behind him, before he began unbuttoning his pants, lips still dancing on yours. You were busy trying to get your underwear off without breaking the kiss, but he didn’t care – he pulled away and got on his damn knees, his teeth dragging against your bare skin, until he found the waistband and tugged it down with his teeth, sending you a sinful glance. You grabbed the railing behind you with tense fingers; you had never seen a more erotic sight than Henry on his knees, dragging your soaked underwear down your legs with his fucking teeth. He hummed as your naked folds came to view and he cocked an eyebrow as a question to you. You didn’t answer with words but jumped a little and rested your ass on the – thankfully thick – railing, spreading your legs for him. “Fucking hell, love, look at you…” His mouth slotted over your dripping folds, and you were already seeing stars. His tongue was deviously good at what it did, and when he sucked on your clit, you almost lost your balance. “Henry…” You whined his name, desperate for the release that was building as a tight ache in your entire body. He hummed against you, his hands snaking up to hold your thighs in place, and by proxy, you, before he began relentlessly eating you out. “Come on, darling, don’t hold those pretty, little noises back for me…” he mumbled against your dripping pussy, and the feeling of his stubble scratching against your thighs became your undoing, when it paired with his tongue and lips.

You came with a loud scream of pleasure, the orgasm washing over you – your nipples pebbled, and you grasped his hair, pulling him closer to your core as you rode your orgasm out on his face. He grinned against you, and you moaned loudly. “Good girl… Fuck, you taste fucking amazing, love.” He kissed his way to your face, and you tasted yourself on his tongue. You jumped down and got on your knees in front of him, deftly undoing his pants fully and pushed them down to his ankles.

“Shit…” he groaned when you wrapped your hand around his – honestly, damn beautiful length – and gave it a soft stroke, your eyes locking on his. “Y/N, you… Shit…” he lost his train of thought when you wrapped your lips around the tip, licking a stripe along the slit and collecting the precum on your tongue. You moaned at the taste and rolled your eyes back; fuck, you could get used to this.

You slowly inched down on him, taking as much as you could before you gagged, and he hit the back of your throat. His hands found a home in your hair, grabbing it tightly. “Good girl… Look at you, being so good for me on your knees. You can take more, baby…” he grinned deviously and pushed your head slowly, but surely, down to make you take even more of him. Tears welled in your eyes, and you gagged around him, while spit pooled from your open mouth; it was so fucking hot, your legs trembled. The sounds he made, gave you serious whiplash, trying to keep out and savor every single one. “Fuck, I’ve wanted this for so long… Playing pretend… Shit, Y/N…” He groaned as you swallowed even more of him, your head bopping up and down on his length, depraved sounds filling the air. “was so fucking easy, because I’ve wanted you for so long…” You moved your head with his guidance, swallowing as much you could of him – he was rolling his hips, meeting your face as he thrust against you – you felt him twitch and you sped up. “Shit, fuck, stop… baby, stop, I don’t want to… Y/N…” He moaned, and with willpower you could never possess, he withdrew from your warm mouth, a string of spit connecting you. “Fuck, you are amazing.” He said in awe. You grinned at him, and he grabbed your shoulder, pulling you to your feet. His eyes were wild and dark, and you wanted to be fucking ruined by him, right here, right now. He sat down on a bench next to him, pulling you to his lap; your dress bunched even higher on your hips now, his fingers tightly holding you, and his lips split into a devilish smile. “Let me film us, love… He needs to see what he’s missing out on.” He kissed your neck, drawing small whimpers from you and you rolled your hips, your folds spreading against his hard length. He growled and moved your hips, letting you glide against him in a faster motion. “Let him see what he’s missing, and never getting back, baby…” “Henry…” “You’re mine, darling… Mine…” His lips found yours in a heated kiss and you moaned against his lips. “Yes, fucking… Do whatever you want, just… Fill me, please…” you whined with shaking legs. He grinned and pulled your phone out, placing it in the slots between the boards of the bench, starting a video. “Hey, asshole…” he mumbled, his fingers finding your dripping hole. You whimpered when he began moving them, curling up to hit every single spot, you needed him to. “You’re so wet for me, love… Can’t wait to be inside of you… Fuck…” He rolled his hips as he fucked you with his fingers, his hard cock pressing against your clit. You moaned his name. “Feeling you cum on my cock, filling you up…” “Just fuck me, Henry!” you snarled, desperate for him to fill you with his cock. He chuckled darkly.

“As you wish, baby.” You whined when his fingers left you, but moments later, your head lolled back and he had you hold you up with his large hands on your back, as he entered you swiftly – he was big, stretching you deliciously. He groaned as you clenched down on him, and his resolve broke in the second, your fingers tugged his hair.

He growled and his head found the crook of your neck, his breath fanning over your collarbone and he began fucking up into you; you were meeting his thrusts, the wet sounds of you filling the warm night air. You were pulsing around him, his cock dragging against your walls and his head hitting your g-spot over and over. “Your pussy is dripping for me, love… You’re taking me so well, look at you…” He grinned against your skin. “My cock splitting you completely, my good girl taking me so well…” His praise made you moan even louder, and you bit your lip to hold it back. “Don’t hold back, baby, let everyone know… Fuck… How well you’re being fucked…” He growled and angled his hips a little more, hitting you deeper than you thought possible. “Let everyone hear those pretty, little sounds you make for me…” You moaned loudly. “I don’t care… Oh, god… Who hears you, baby, I need everyone to know who you belong to…” Your orgasm hit you out of nowhere, his voice toppling you over the edge; you came hard around him, your pussy clenching down on his hard length, and he sped up, letting you feel every inch of him as you came undone around him. He fucked you with reckless abandon, trying to reach his own high. “Tell me. Tell me who you belong to, baby…” He moved his head from your neck and looked at you, his hand wrapping around your throat as he fucked you deeply. “H-henry… Fuck, I belong… T-to you…” Your voice was broken now, and he groaned as your walls fluttered again. “You want to cum again, love? Soak my cock, huh?” He hissed. “Cum with me, love, fuck…” you let go when he tightened his grip on your neck tightened and he threw any caution to the wind, fucking you as hard as he could, his own orgasm hitting seconds after yours.

He filled you with hot ropes of cum, warming you inside out, and you both moaned loudly, gripping each other as tightly as you could, as you came down from your highs. He peppered kisses along your neck and rubbed soothing circles on bare thighs. You kissed him lazily and he smiled against your lips, his fingers fumbling for the phone. You watched him turn the video off.

“I’m not sharing that with anyone.” He mumbled. “That belongs to me and you, love.” You chuckled and kissed him again, slowly getting off him. He hissed and you moaned as he slipped out from you. “Don’t even bother with your underwear.” He said happily, as he closed his pants and kissed your neck. “Why?” you asked, following his fingers as he grabbed your panties and pocketed them. He wrapped his arm around you and as you walked down to the waiting car (when did it even come?) you felt his spend slowly coat your thighs. It made you whine a little. “Oh, darling…” He opened the door for you and kissed you before flashing you a deadly smile. “Don’t think for one second, I’m done with you.” He got in himself, and his large hand came to rest on your thigh, his long fingers drawing circles in his own spend on your thighs. “Samuel, can you take us to my house, please?”

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TAGLIST: @acaceta @a-skov @angelmather1 @cooldreamlandsandwich @doubletriplepowerbomb @est1887 @enchantedbytomandhenry @fionnthebandersnacc @herroyalbubbliness @keiva1000 @kebabgirl67 @luclittlepond @mis-lil-red @multifanficdom @one-sweet-gubler @pandaxnienke @perfunctory-username69 @sleutherclaw @sofiebstar @summersong69 @spookyboogyuniverse @stardusted26 @thereisa8ella @timetraveller4 @thatonechickhere @themanfromu @thelastpyle @tragicphoenix13 @yourlocalhoney @wheretheriversrunintothesea

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huntingingoodwill · 3 years

Text

accessory to matrimony - part iv

part i, ii, iii

masterlist

fill out this form to be in my taglist :)

a/n: thank u sm for the support for this it blows my mind how nice you've all been about it ily :) sorry i took so long on this one i was just working on my other fics for a little! (check em out wink wonk) idw to make this note too long but i have to mention this will probably be the last chapter at least for a little while. this fic was initially supposed to go to a darker place but now i'm not sure if you'd all want that lmao? i just need some time to think about how to continue, or if i should continue. i'd love to hear your thoughts and the askbox is wide open and gaping like a wound! ew. but send asks. i hope you guys like this one a little fluffy a little cheesy a little lovey dovey yeah? please consider interacting if you liked it and tysm for reading ily!!!

Like all rooms in Arrow House, the dining room was cavernous, and you could hear the echo of your fork clinking against your plate as you knocked your food around, watching a sprout roll off the edge toward the empty chair across you. Alone at dinner, again.

It had been two weeks since you moved in. Your chests of belongings were fully unpacked after Tommy had gotten a couple of unfortunate Peaky boys to lug them up to your shared bedroom. You had become comfortable living with each other.

You kept yourself busy, rifling through the books in his library (you soon realised Tommy wasn’t illiterate, but he did have miserably poor taste in literature) and writing to Eddie, not only to keep in touch, but also helping to operate the family business from your new home.

You and Tommy had grown closer, slowly, living together. Like on your wedding night, you slept in the same bed, and you had gotten used to the comforting weight of his arm around your waist, the warmth of his chest under your hand, his heart beating beneath your palm.

You liked living with him, looking forward to the conversations you had. Every small smile he gave you made your stomach flip. But though you were gradually getting to know each other, there was no doubt he was distant. He often came home late, and a bit ruffled up, or kept himself huddled behind his desk, staring at his papers so long you were sure anyone else’s brain would’ve started leaking out of their ears. You wondered how he was fuelled to work so much. Maybe if you opened him up you’d find a little man shovelling coal into a steam engine inside his stomach. Because he certainly wasn’t getting that energy from a regular diet.

He joined you at meals sporadically, mostly to smoke and pick at his food as he looked at you. His presence was a concession, one that you enjoyed, but you did wish he’d actually feed himself.

Your appetite had dwindled a reasonable amount, too, hunger replaced by a sort of vague longing and emptiness you couldn’t place. What was wrong with you?

“Mrs Shelby, Mr Shelby is asking to see you in his study.” You peered at the housemaid. She still looked at you suspiciously sometimes, her first impression of you and Ed messing around outside Arrow House never fading. You wondered how you could use that to your advantage. Hide in closets and scare her by jumping out of them as she walked past? No, you wouldn’t be that cruel. Might be semi-entertaining, though.

You thanked her and stood, trying to ignore the wave of excitement that washed over you. You picked up Tommy’s dish, fixing him a plate of food before hurrying to his office.

You knocked on the door.

“Come in.”

You had been in his study a few times since the wedding to deal with matters of the merger, but it still felt strange. Just a couple of months ago you had met him here for the first time, and now you shared a bed and a last name.

“We must stop meeting like this, Mr Shelby.” You teased. “I brought you dinner.”

He glanced at you quickly, a flicker of a grateful smile playing on his face before returning to it’s serious expression.

“Thanks, Mrs Shelby. Now, I’ve a ledger from our partners in Camden-”

You exhaled sharply, annoyed. “Tommy, I understand the importance of our work, but I also understand how bad it’ll look when they find my husband starved to death in his office only a couple weeks after I’ve married him.” He looked at you through his glasses, cocking an eyebrow. “Let me handle the account and take a break.”

“Later, (Y/N) -”

“Thomas, I’m-”

Two quick knocks rang out, causing the two of you to stop your bickering, your heads snapping toward the sound.

Arthur and John’s smiling faces peeked out from the crack in the door.

“We interrupting?” John smirked as he leant against the doorframe.

“Yes. Fuck off.” Tommy snapped, an air of annoyance radiating off him. Say what you wanted about Tommy, at least he was direct.

“You,” Arthur strolled into the room, pointing at Tommy. “Can stay here pissing yourself over the Camden account. But we won’t let you take our sister-in-law hostage.” Arthur joked, clapping his hands over your shoulders and pulling you out of your chair. “What do you say, (Y/N)?”

“We’ve brought the goods, too.” John grinned, revealing the bottles of liquor he was holding, enough to kill a small mountain lion, a legion of chickens, or to seriously inebriate a party of four.

You looked at Tommy. No harm having a quick drink with John and Arthur. His irritated glare annoyed you, the food growing colder by the second. Stubborn bastard.

“Sure.” You smiled, linking your arms with the two of them. “Mr Shelby, you may join us if you like. Your choice.” You marched out the study toward the den with your brothers-in-law in tow.

Tommy sighed, exasperated. Fuck it. He threw off his glasses, trailing after the three of you reluctantly.

“Welcome to the party.” Arthur laughed, giving him a smack on the back as Tommy begrudgingly slouched in the far corner of the room, grunting in response.

“You play cards, (Y/N)?” John asked, shuffling a deck.

“I’ll warn you, I cheat.”

“Me too. Let’s play!”

The hours ticked by and spirits were high as the four of you downed glass after glass. Even Tommy wore a gentle smile, watching you and his brothers play, the game and your conversation getting rowdier by the second, roaring with laughter at every joke.

Going out drinking with Eddie and your business partners had trained you to drink any man under the table. But John was a formidable opponent, and after Arthur stumbled out the house with John on his back, his head lolling around and slurring some now unintelligible song, you allowed yourself to let go of the cool composure you held in front of them, slumping down into the chair.

Tommy’s face swam into your line of vision, looking down at your flushed cheeks. “Had a bit too much fun?”

You furrowed your eyebrows.

“A perfectly adequate amount of fun.” You slurred, swatting your hand around clumsily, colliding with his thigh.

You heard him hum in response, then felt his arms snake around your waist. You squeaked as he threw you over his shoulder. You felt as though the breath had been knocked out of you as your ribs hit his broad shoulder, and you laughed as he carried you up to the bedroom.

He sat you down on the bed, turning you to have your back face him. His knuckle grazed your cheek. “You’re burning up.” He grumbled. He pushed your hair aside, fumbling with the clasp of your necklace, his fingers brushing against the nape of your neck. “You eat anything before all that drinking?”

He pulled the necklace off, the pearls sliding off your skin as you leaned back into his chest, resting your head on his shoulder as you looked up at him, playfully tracing a finger down the underside of his jaw. “I haven’t eaten, yes. We finally have something in common, Mr Tomathy! I’m on this diet, you see, it just zaps your appetite away!” You giggled, wagging your finger at him.

“Are you, now?” He raised his eyebrow, watching you lift your skirt, fumbling with your garter as you tried and failed to get your stockings off.

“Could you-” you looked at him pleadingly. You propped yourself up on your arms as he sat on the ground in front of you. “And yes... I am. Less of a diet, more of an appetite suppressant, you see. I’m in love!” You sang, throwing a hand up for dramatic effect. “Oh, but he doesn’t love me back.” You cackled, pressing the back of your hand to your forehead. “Isn’t it tragic?” You laughed.

Tommy felt the vise of jealousy tighten around his heart.

“And the worst part is,” you muttered, leaning forward to look at him as he knelt before you. He placed his hand on your chest, gently pushing you back onto the bed. His fingers ran across your thighs as he undid your garter, sliding the stockings down your legs. “I have to live with him!” You exclaimed. His lips twitched as his envy dissipated, pulling your skirt back down.

“Replacing me already? Who’s the lucky bastard?” He asked, watching you whine as you slapped your hand against your back in a violent attempt to unbutton your dress before you pulled on his arm, asking for his help again.

“What’s his name..? Oh, you know, that... Peaky Blinder devil.” You giggled.

He flicked his arm, the stockings whipping across the room and landing in a heap, discarded in the far corner of your bedroom as he moved to help you.

“Which one? The handsome one?” He asked.

“Mhm.”

“That’ll be Tommy, then.” He spoke, making quick work of the buttons on your dress as his knuckles sweeped down your spine.

“But he doesn’t love me.” You sighed, your smile turning a bit melancholy. “Didn’t expect him to. But... would’ve been nice.”

He paused, letting the silence hang between the two of you. The mattress rose as he walked across the room to your closet, pulling out your nightgown.

“Y’know, I happen to know Tommy.” He mumbled, pulling the gown over your head.

“Really?” A smile broke out over your face. Tommy laid you down, pushing a pillow under your head, gently sweeping aside the stray hairs sticking to your face.

“I share a bed with his wife.”

“Scandalous.” You muttered, feeling the lure of sleep as he threw the duvet over your shoulders. He smoothed down the blanket, pressing his hand into the mattress by your hip to brace himself as he leaned over you.

“It is. But I know that Tommy boy well enough. Don’t see how he could resist loving you.”

“You sure?” You whispered, his face inches from yours.

“Trust me.” He spoke. He pressed a kiss to your hot forehead, and you felt yourself grow redder. “Get some sleep.” He pat your knee, putting out the light as he walked out the room.

Your stomach growled with an embarrassing ferocity as you sat up to squint at the clock. Four in the morning. You had sobered up a little after a few hours of rest, and you felt thankful the pounding headache you knew would greet you soon hadn’t arrived yet.

Your growing hunger propelled you toward the kitchen and you sat before the ice box, pulling the door open. You felt your thighs press against the cool tile floor through your thin nightgown, and you held your cheek to the large block of ice, sighing in relief. Your eyes scanned the shelves, twinkling in excitement as you saw what you were looking for sitting atop a gleaming cake stand. Cake.

Your mouth watered as you placed the stand on the ground, dipping a finger into the frosting of the cake that sat on it, humming in delight as you tasted it’s creamy sweetness. You had baked it earlier that day, but hadn’t had the stomach to eat it until now. You reached up toward the counter, feeling around for cutlery before cutting a slice, sliding it onto a plate. You stood, knocking the icebox door closed with your hip.

Your bare feet padded against the floor as you ate, ambling back to your room. You stopped in your tracks as you saw the glow of light from Tommy’s study cast itself across the carpet.

You held the fork between your lips, pushing the door open and peeking in.

Tommy looked up. “You should be in bed.”

“That’s my line.”

You sauntered into the room, shoving aside the massive piles of paper on his desk. You pushed yourself up onto the table, crossing your legs as you took another bite, smiling down at him.

He leaned back in his chair, pulling off his glasses and rubbing his tired eyes. He tilted his head to look up at you as he crossed his arms, a hint of amusement in his eyes contradicting his placid face. His hair was ruffled, his shirt unbuttoned. He looked a mess, you thought endearingly.

“It’s hard for me to get any work done with you sitting on my desk.” He mumbled.

“I like the view.” You said, squinting down at him.

He stared at the cake heaped on your plate, a hunger in his eyes. You grinned, scooping up a forkful and waving it enticingly in front of his face, teasing him. He opened his mouth, biting down on the fork almost viciously as he caught it in its path. You laughed as you managed to yank it from his mouth. You reached forward to wipe a smidge of frosting off the corner of his now smiling lips, sucking the cream off your thumb.

The golden light of the rising sun streamed through the windows, and you paused the swinging of your legs as they hung off the edge of his desk, placing your feet on his thigh.

“We better get you to bed, (Y/N).” He spoke, wrapping a hand around your calf.

“Not before I get you a slice of cake.” You said. He opened his mouth to protest, but his stomach beat him to it, growling loudly. You giggled as he sighed in defeat, holding out his hand to help you as you slid off the table, walking toward the door.

You heard him clear his throat behind you. “...Mrs Shelby?”

You turned, leaning against the wall as you gazed at him. “Yes, Mr Shelby?”

“I love you.” He grumbled, almost imperceptibly.

You smiled.

“I love you too, Tommy.”

#tommy shelby #cillian murphy #cillian murphy imagine #cillian murphy imagines #cillian murphy x reader #peaky blinders #peaky blinders fic #peaky blinders imagine #tommy shelby fic #tommy shelby imagine #tommy shelby imagines #peaky blinders imagines #peaky blinders x reader #accessory to matrimony series

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dapandapod · 3 years

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Dearest Pandolfius,

I have heard that you write excellent stories, so I have come to your askbox to humbly beg for some Lambden content. I'm thinking a Modern AU in which Aiden is a ballet dancer, but in one of his performances he stumbles on stage. Do whatever you want with that hehe.

Love, Jolfius

I am so sorry Jolfius my love, this took way too long to publish. It has been sitting in my drafts for ages because I couldn't think out a crude thing for Lambert to say. But here it is at last <3 (Oh yeah, and let's see if anyone catches my zelda reference ehehe)

Thank you @kuripon for beta reading and @all-hail-the-witcher for helping me do dancing somewhat correct, and @damatris for letting me borrow drunk sheep on a tightrope <3 You are the very best

Warnings: Mentions of serious injuries and recovery. Lambert shows he cares by getting angry, and poor dancing knowledge.

On Ao3 here

Lambert sits in the audience, his knee jumping. It is opening night and the company has been practicing for months. And practicing harder than probably most was his love, Aiden.

He doesn’t have a big part, staying towards the back of the corps sections. Nothing that can be too much. They are really lucky they decided to keep him, but Tissaia always had a good eye towards Aiden.

The curtains open, the orchestra starts, the ballerina on stage breaks her pose and starts her pirouettes and twirls, her complicated leaps and turns, ever graceful.

A man approaches her and together they dance to the trembling violins. It is beautiful, it is painful, it is aching and full of emotion. Two years ago, Aiden had been in an accident. A piece of scenery came undone, the moon literally falling down on stage. Luckily, Aiden was the only one who got hurt.

Nothing lucky about it, in Lambert's opinion.

The worst part of the injury had been the head trauma. He spent two weeks in a coma, and when he woke up, they discovered that he had lost sight in one eye and was suffering terrible migraines. His right knee had also taken a bad hit, and nothing pained Lambert’s heart more than watching Aiden get the news of his injuries.

Lambert had spent many months with him in the hospital, in physical therapy, cuddled together in their pitch black bedroom when the outside became too much.

But nothing, absolutely nothing could keep Aiden from his dreams.

The first time Lambert drove Aiden to the studio, they both were nervous. Tissaia said Aiden would always be welcome back, but they all knew they couldn’t afford a dancer that couldn’t dance.

“You could always become a teacher?” Lambert offered after a long silence, Aiden staring out the side window. “If you are half as good as that twat Vilgefortz, you would run him out of business. He looks worse than a drunk sheep on a tightrope.”

Aiden didn’t reply.

Somehow, Aiden had made it through a gentle training program. He was not the first dancer with injuries, and he wouldn’t be the last. His knee kept up surprisingly well, but his depth perception was fucked up now, so there had been some wobbly landings.

But how Aiden shined.

And here they are, after a long journey. Tissaia finally agreed to let Aiden be a corps dancer, to stand on stage again. Lambert follows the story with mild interest. It is an adaptation of a Polish fairytale about a sorceress, and a man bewitched to be her destiny. Despite being each other's halves, they fight like the sea fights the shore.

It is a lot more complicated than that, but Lambert is not here for them. He sits with rapt attention, and after almost 45 minutes, Aiden steps out on stage.

It is hard to see him, hidden in the third row of dancers on the left side, but Lambert only has eyes for him. They fought about this. Hard and loud and angry.

Lambert thinks Aiden is an idiot for still trying, for not taking a step back, for risking everything all over again. The doctor had said one bad landing and Aiden might not even be able to walk again, yet alone dance.

But as the light shines on his hair, slicked back in a tight bun, his eyes rimmed with kohl, Lambert can see why Aiden fought him. The way he carries himself out here, how in control he is of his own body. He is beautiful. Alive. Happy.

He might never get a lead role, might never dance with the prima ballerina. But being out here is enough. Aiden lives and breathes for his dancing.

And just as Lambert relaxes, Aiden stumbles and winces. It is small, just a light misstep, but Lambert saw the wince, the clench of his jaw.

Fuck.

As soon as the first intermission begins, Lambert goes backstage. Many of the dancers greet him, but he doesn’t have time. Aiden sits with his leg held high, muscles taped and tense. Worry and

anger well up in Lambert, and soon it spills over.

“I fucking told you this was a bad idea!” he spits, and Aiden jerks in surprise, turning to look at him.

“I’m fine, Lambs.”

“No, you are fucking not! I told you and you never listen!”

“Lambert.”

His tone is sharp, and Lambert draws in an angry breath. Holds it.

“Do you trust me?” Aiden asks him, taking his hand and squeezing it.

The anger drains out of him, but the worry remains.

“With my life,” he says quietly. “Just not with your legs.”

Aiden smirks, just on this side of dirty. The things they have done with those legs makes it hard to dispute just how much he trusts them, and Aiden knows it.

“Shut it,” Lambert mutters, and Aiden laughs, deep and happy.

Somewhere behind them, the stage manager yells the five minute warning, and Aiden pulls Lambert down into a kiss.

“I’m fine, Lambchops,” Aiden says against his lips and then he leans back. ”It was just a stumble. It happens, it hurts, but I’m alright. I have a half hour break before the next dance, and Triss will never let me out there if she decides I can’t. It’s fine.”

Lambert grumbles, but finds himself defeated.

He does trust Aiden, and he trusts Triss to keep Aiden down to earth. Aiden pulls him in for another slow, warm kiss, soothing the last remnants of anger and worry away.

“When we get home tonight, I got a surprise for you,” Aiden whispers, dragging his lips gently across Lambert's cheek. Fuck, how he loves this man.

Aiden doesn’t stumble again. His dance is flawless, and Lambert can’t breathe. When they get home, they are both exhausted. Lambert helps him with his night time routine of stretching and massaging.

He is beautiful, aching and full of emotion when he lowers himself down to one knee in front of Lambert. He is alive, happy and full of hope when he lifts a red velvet box and offers the ring inside to Lambert.

Once again, Lambert can’t breathe.

#lambden #modern au #ballet dancer au #the witcher #lambert x aiden #hurt/comfort #mention of serious injuries #supportive lambert #angry lambert #he is a caring boy just in shouty ways #soft surprise at the end #no im not trying to trick you to read it what are you talking about #dapanda writes #laiden

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hanii-rose · 4 years

Text

•Because I can't send anon ask in askbox, can I submit it on here instead? So I have this thought:

Garou and the s/o were childhood friends but separated after Garou began to train himself in Bang's dojo. Now after Garou was defeated he comes to visit s/o's house for temporary hiding and also to rekindle their relationship.

Expect both of them getting closer after that. It mostly fluff sfw but you can throw some hot nsfw stuff for the thirst 🔥🔥

But can I request that the s/o is gender neutral, please? It's kinda sad that I rarely find a writing for gender neutral or male s/o, so I will be very grateful if you write the s/o as a gender neutral.

Thanks so much and have a nice day! ❤•

Yay another request ☺️ I tried to write reader as gender neutral, I'm not that great at it, but hopefully it's good enough to post haha

____________________________________

Reunited

Garou x GN! Reader

It had been a few weeks since Garou had inexplicably showed up at your front door, bruised and weakened. When you first saw him, you instantly recognized his signature hairdo and blazing gold orbs.

It was that kid from school! You occasionally played with him in your younger years, and the two of you had become particularly close, talking, pulling pranks and acting out other childish activities. But as you grew older, you focused more on your books and slowly started seeing less of him, ultimately drifting apart in highschool. You never saw him again, until two weeks ago that is.

After he came hobbling through your doorstep, you let him in, fed him and even bathed him. He took care of his own injuries and he's been staying with you ever since. You assumed he remembered you due to the fact that he called you by your name multiple times without you telling him. When you asked him why he showed up here and now, he explained his situation. His hero-hunting, the Monster Association, Bang's dojo and his pathetic defeat at the hands of a bald guy in a yellow jumpsuit. He told you he needed sanctuary for two or three months, at least until the search for him died down.

You understood his reasoning, albeit feeling a bit sad that he didn't come to you mainly to see you. Truth be told, you had developed quite a crush on the silver haired Adonis, even back then. But in the past, you were much too busy with your studies and his sudden disappearance left your desires unfulfilled. But now he was back, taller, stronger and much much more handsome. It reignited a little spark in your core and you constantly began to crave his touch and attention, often picturing him in the most lewd scenarios you could think of. You touched yourself so many times that you lost count. You tried not to most of the time, in hopes that he wouldn't notice your arousal. Little did you know that Garou was going through something similar.

Presently, you had just returned home from work with a bag of store bought food. You hung your coat and scarf on the coat hanger and neatly discarded your black office shoes on the wooden shoe rack. You walked all the way to the kitchen, placed the bag of food down and rushed to the living room in hopes of finding your wolfish guest.

You walked in on him, shirtless, crouching on the floor and fiddling with something. His back displayed all of the hard work he had put into building himself these few years. Littered with bumps and crevices that most people could only dream of in their lifetime.

You, unbeknownst to him, gently pressed a finger down onto the back of his neck and slid downwards, following his spine to the middle of his gorgeous back. He visibly tensed and turned his head, staring deep into your curious eyes.

"You're back..." he stated, turning around and getting back to work.

"Yeah, had a long day today. What have you been up to?"

He shook his head softly and muttered, "Fixed yer damn side table. The wobbly piece of shit almost fell over when I walked by it."

You chuckled at his words while patting his defined shoulder and replied, "Well you're pretty nifty, aren't you? Maybe I'll keep you around longer, huh?"

He smirked and stood up straight, taut muscles glistened with sweat and biceps flexed as he scratched the back of his head.

"Yeah, you'd like that wouldn't ya? A personal slave to do all of yer work for ya?"

You replied with an obnoxious 'MHMMM' and exited the living room, walking yourself to the kitchen.

Opening the fridge door, you grabbed the large 2 litre bottle of coke and two large sets of glasses and decorated them atop a tray.

Holding the tray and kicking the fridge door shut with your foot, you treaded back to the living area and set the tray down on top of your now fixed table.

"Sit down, I'll fix you a drink."

Garou complied, sitting himself comfortably on top of your black couch, the leather making scratching noises as he shifted around for the perfect spot.

"Thanks for the table. I've been trying to fix it for ages."

He nodded and grinned, "No big deal. It's the least I could do."

You sat down next to him on his right, leaned forward and poured the chilled coke into the two cups. Closing the cap, you handed him a glass and sipped on your own coke. You relaxed back into the couch, your shoulder brushing his ever so slightly as you unwinded. Work was getting frustrating, even for a desk job, not to mention your desires for the wolfish man would not relent, leading to many restless nights.

"This feels way too good." you lazily stated, stretching back and leisurely taking small sips from the cup.

"Yeah..." Garou agreed softly, his cup already empty.

You noticed the lack of substance in his hand and offered a refill.

"Hold your cup right. I'm gonna give you some more..."

You grabbed the large plastic bottle from the table and twisted the cap open, pouring carefully, a good enough amount of the sweet liquid.

Unbeknownst to you, Garou had outstretched his arm behind you, resting it at the headrest of the couch. His right knee brushed up against yours gently as he scooted closer to you, inhaling your intoxicating scent. Somehow, your smell was so much more stronger when you came home from work. He noticed it once, after you had accidentally bumped into him. And that unique smell drove him absolutely wild.

You turned back after filling his cup and placed the half empty bottle down. You again leaned back getting even more comfortable, somewhat leaning against him. From this position, he could trace your body through the white flimsy fabric of your office shirt.

It was turning him on more than anything.

He chugged his cup until it was completely empty, savouring every last drop of the fizzy drink. He placed his cup down and his now empty hand found purchase upon your clothed knee. His right arm still behind you, wrapped itself around your shoulder, trapping you.

"So tell me about work." he suggested, rubbing your tired shoulder.

"Oh my gosh, you have no clue how annoying some of my desk mates are!" you began.

"They constantly take things from my desk without asking and they are so unorganized, like at least learn to number your reports when you give em' to me, ya'know?"

He hummed and sighed with whatever you said, but honestly, he didn't give a crap about your asshole co-workers. Just let him stare at your stunning legs for a while longer. He could feel his cock twitching in his trousers, your lips trembled as you angrily ranted about your fellow employees. Those same lips he wanted to ravish with his own.

"-And then I said, I'm not going to your fuckin' baby shower and..." you suddenly quieted down.

Why was he staring at you like that?

"Umm Garou, you okay buddy...?"

He ignored your question again. He was so close, you could feel his breath on your cheek! You tried scooting away, but you were held in place by his left hand on your knee, gripping with force and his right arm wrapped around your shoulder.

You placed your palm on top of his hand and he snapped out of his trance, face red and pouting.

"... Is something wrong?"

He vigorously shook his head and scratched his cheek, the blush still faintly prominent under his chiseled cheekbones.

"Are you sure?" you asked, thoroughly concerned. You placed your open palm on his back and rubbed languidly, relenting your weight on top of his. Before you could get up from your position next to him, he yanked you downwards and you plopped down onto the couch, your back hitting the foam armrest.

"Yer so fuckin' sexy, ya'know that?" he asked, sounding somewhat angry.

"Huh?"

"I said, yer so fuckin' sexy. Such a fuckin' turn on!"

Before you could protest, he swiped his hand down your middle, swiftly popping off all of the buttons on your shirt and exposing your chest and stomach. You tried to push him off but to no avail.

"Garou! What are you doing?" you inquired, feeling absolutely embarrassed. Your cheeks dusted with red and you swallowed hard.

"Fuck... What the fuck am I doing?"

He sighed exasperatedly and got off of you. Standing up, he started walking towards the guest room, no doubt to put on his shirt and leave. But before he could turn the corner, you grasped his hand tight.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm leaving. I shouldn't be around you anymore. I can't fucking control myself..." he replied, sweat dripping from his temple.

"What do you mean?"

You strutted closer to him, placing two hands on his bare chest.

"I like you, a lot. And I wanna fuck you all the time."

You were surprised, pleasantly. You giggled at his confession and leaned closer, almost falling on his hard chest.

Rubbing your hand down his stomach and over his delicious abs, you wiggled in his sight.

"I don't mind..." you spoke, tone awfully sly.

Your expression gave away your intentions and Garou found himself grasping your hips, bringing them closer towards his.

"Oh really?" he asked, equally mischievous.

You made a lusty 'mhmm' noise, confirming his suspicions.

Wrapping your arms around his neck, you leaned closer to his smirking face, and whispered, "I want to fuck you all the time too..."

"Fuck, yer such a tease!"

Giggling, you brought your mouth upto his and waited for him to place his on yours.

When your silent request was met, you closed your eyes and revelled in the passion.

He feverishly gripped your waist, slid his hand downwards, giving your ass a quick squeeze.

Breaking the kiss, he kept his face near yours, taking in your form.

"I've wanted to do that for so long..."

"Me too." you replied.

"So you wanna fuck me all the time too huh?" he asked.

"Yeah, you're the only one who can take my mind off of my demented office."

"Well then, should we get started?"

You nodded, lustfully looking into his eyes.

Sitting down had become an issue for you these days. As the days progressed, so did your monster boyfriends hormones. But you two got by. You had to buy a new shirt though, and everyone at your office could tell you'd been fucked out of your mind. But nothing bothered you anymore, not even your moronic deskmates.

It seemed life had gotten better for the two of you, except for the severe back pain you had after Garou finished his dubious acts. Other than that you were fairly content with what you had right now.

#garou headcanons #garou x reader #garou #garouonepunchman #opm garou #garou the hero hunter #gender neutral reader #gender neutral s/o #no smut #please let me know if i need to tag anything else #submission

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billiejs · 4 years

Text

A Christmas Carol (or a Phantom story of Christmas

Julie and the Phantom Drabble, 1k, Julie/Luke, general fluffiness involved

“You’re not serious about this.” Luke stares Julie in the eyes, disbelief heavy in every word.

Julie holds out three scripts and an ancient candleholder with a hopeful smile. Luke already knows he’s going to crumble.

“Please?” She says, making a show of batting her eyelashes. “I know it’s a little…”

“Insensitive?” Luke arches an eyebrow.

“Viciously ironic?” Reggie adds.

“Downright offensive?” Alex supplies, looking at the scripts in Julie’s hands as if they’d personally insulted his drumming skills.

“Guys, come on!” Julie stomps her feet, losing her pleading expression in favor of the trademark scowl she exhibits whenever she thinks they’re being unnecessarily difficult. Luke is half intrigued, half terrified by that scowl. “It’s for Carlos! You love Carlos, right?”

She looks straight at Reggie, whose determination predictably begins to falter within the second.

Low blow, Julie. Low blow.

“Of course we do!” Reggie’s voice is an octave too high. “He’s like he’s our little brother too, you know that…”

“And you know how excited he was about playing the lead in the Christmas play…”

“Yeah Jules,” Luke sighs, “We helped him rehearse, remember?”

Alex smacks him in the chest with one of the scripts and ouch, being human again hurts. Then again, Luke has just dug their own grave.

“Exactly!” Julie’s eyes ignite with conviction and Luke has just given her the silver lining she was looking for. “You already know the lines! And he will be thrilled to know that you are the ones who will fill in for the kids who got chickenpox…”

Reggie is already flipping through the script, reading through the highlighted lines with a focused look. Alex looks ready to commit murder. Luke is just busy imagining how happy he would make Julie if he supported her little brother in his school play.

“You realize the irony of asking us, three people who have come back from the realm of the phantoms no more than six months ago, to fill in for the roles of the three ghosts in A Christmas Carol?” Alex says. He gestures heavily at the three of them as he speaks, and Luke has to bite back a smile.

“There’s a song, too.” Julie, in turn, is doing nothing to hide her own amusement. “The kids wrote it. It’s called ‘Trust the ghosts (cause they know best)’.”

“Okay I’m doing it!” Reggie raises both his hands in surrender, “These kids are legit. Which one am I? The Ghost of the Christmas Present? Sweet!”

“Trust the ghosts cause they know best, put aside your interests, it’s Christmas Day, that’s what they say: put all greediness away.” Luke sing-songs along with what he supposes is a rip off of a classic Christmas song. “This puts all of Sunset Curve’s and Julie and the Phantoms’ lyrics to shame.”

Julie’s grin is infectious as she punches him lightly on the shoulder.

“Come on. I think Carlos helped with that.”

“Of course, the Molina talent shines right through.”

This time Luke catches Julie’s fist in his hand and tugs her forward. She’s blushing heavily, but doesn’t step back.

“So, does this mean you’ll do it, Ghost of the Christmas Past?” She breaths on his lips, and Luke gives his answer in the form of a kiss. Julie cups his cheek in her tiny pianist hand and he knows that there is no end of the Earth he wouldn’t walk to, if it means making her happy.

“I cannot believe this!”

Alex indignant screech kind of ruins the moment, but it’s nothing they haven’t dealt with before. Julie briefly touches her forehead on Luke’s with a laugh, before looking back to Alex.

“I can tell Willie to come and give you a kiss too,” she says. “I pitched him this idea yesterday and he loved it, he told me to let him know if I needed backup to convince you.”

Alex’s eyes bulge out, but for once he’s speechless.

“Betrayal,” he finally hisses. “This Ghost of the Christmas Yet to Come will have his own musical number with a song about the importance of having real, loyal friends.”

“That’s kinda what the Ghost of the Christmas Yet to Come is all about, actually.” Reggie intervenes, nose buried in his script. “Making sure you have people who will actually cry at your funeral instead of exploiting the access to your room during the reception to steal your collection of Star Wars VHS.”

Julie, Luke and Alex exchange a silent look that spells INTERVENTION in blazing red letters, but they put it aside for the time being. Luke wraps his arms around Julie and flips the script open, putting his chin on her shoulder to read through it.

“Ebenezer Scrooge! I am the ghost of the Christmas Past and I have visited you tonight to show you the wrong of your ways…” he proclaims in a cavernous voice, making Julie giggle. “What? You don’t like my ghost voice?”

He can only see the profile of Julie’s face but he knows she’s giving him side eyes.

“I have met you as a ghost, and I know what your ghost voice sounds like,” she says matter-of-factly. “Spoiler: it’s not this pale imitation of Batman you’re trying to do.”

“Hey, I was bringing perspective to the character!” Luke laughs. “You’re never happy with me.”

Julie turns in his arms and the script falls from his hands as he instinctively places them on her hips.

Julie is smiling at him like he’s just hung the moon in the sky for her, Reggie and Alex are discussing how to harmonize a song written by fifth-graders in the background and Rey Molina is going to film their performance at Carlos’s school like he’s shooting the live at Broadway Hamilton opening night.

“I am always happy with you, Luke.” Julie says, “So happy that most days it doesn’t even feel real.”

And she touches his shoulders and his arms a little nervously, almost hesitant, as if he could slip away from her grasp at any moment. Luke holds her tightly.

Life is good.

_____________________________________ Thanks for reading! Feel free to drop a prompt in my askbox if you’d like more stuff like this <3

#julie and the phantoms #jatp #jatp fic #juke #juke fic #jukebox #jatp fanfic #jatp minific #my fics

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cafedanslanuit · 4 years

Note

Number 33, obey me, Mammon x MC? (I LOVE THAT SONG SO MUCH AAAAA)

omg, that song was my jam back in 2009 and I listened to it again the other day and I was like “this has to be to my eveeeeent!” <3 thank you for requesting! <3

also, this is the last request from my 500 followers event! thank you so much for sending your requests and helping me celebrate this milestone. i’m really happy i had your support. requests will be still closed for a while until i finish the normal requests i still have on my askbox.

again, thank you so much!!

series: 500 followers event

pairing: Mammon x bisexual!MC [Obey Me!]

song: Lips of an angel - Hinder

My girl’s in the next room, sometimes I wish she was you. I guess we never really moved on. It’s really good to hear your voice saying my name, it sounds so sweet. Coming from the lips of an angel, hearing your voice it makes me weak. And I never want to say goodbye, but God, you make it hard to be faithful with the lips of an angel.

MC didn’t want to discuss how much money she had spent on ouija boards the last six months. Ever since she had returned from Devildom, she had been constantly trying to find a way to communicate with a certain demon and failing miserably. She had ordered different types of ouijas online, but none of them seemed to work. It wasn’t until she went to an antique store that she was told how she could get a real summoning board and how could she try and contact an actual demon. The store owner repeatedly told her it was almost impossible to summon one of the major demons, to which she only nodded. She didn’t want to tell him about her pacts.

Even after buying those boards, she still couldn’t get to talk to any of the demon. MC started getting discouraged. A big part of her told her she should move on and live her life. She had to accept it was once in a lifetime opportunity and she wouldn’t get to see any of those brothers again. So, she began dating a girl she met at a bookstore, where she had been looking for even more information about summoning. She quickly hid those books when the other girl started talking to her, not wanting to discuss why exactly she was researching about that particular topic. A couple of months later, now an established couple, that girl would stay at MC’s place on the weekends, indulging themselves in simple pleasures as having breakfast together and maybe watching a movie or two.

MC thought she had finally managed to put an end to her constant need of talking to him again; but all her hopes crashed after she hastily woke up at three in the morning covered in sweat. She had dreamt about him again. And not only that, it hadn’t been just a dream but a reenactment of the last time she’d seen that demon. She had seen again his flushed cheeks when she kissed him, assuring him she would find a way so they could see each other once more. Quickly, MC tossed her sheets aside, doing her best not to wake up her sleeping girlfriend. She went to the living room and put her hand under the sofa cushions, blindly searching for what she’d hidden there one month ago, when she had finally accepted defeat after the last attempt of contacting him didn’t work.

Carefully, she put the last board she bought on the floor and then went looking for some candles on her kitchen drawers. Once everything was ready, she sat on the floor and took a deep breath.

“Please, please, it has to work…” she whispered, and she closed her eyes to focus. She began moving her hand against the board, trying to concentrate the best she could. She even recited some of the words the owner of that old store had taught him. She repeated them until she lost count. It had to work. There had to be a reason she had dreamt about him, about their last kiss. Suddenly, she felt a sharp pang on her chest. Somehow, instead of hurting it felt like a burning sensation. Had she…?

“Mammon?” she whispered.

“I knew this would work!” Mammon said, his voice ringing on MC’s ears as if she was wearing headphones. She gasped, her hand shooting up to cover her mouth.

“Wh--”

“Don’t open your eyes!” he quickly warned her. MC shut them even tighter. “I may have stole some books from Satan, read them and here ya’ are. Never should have doubted my abilities!”

“I miss you so much” MC blurted. “I miss my life there, I miss your brothers, it should have been easier to come back to my life here but… it wasn’t, I’m… I’m constantly thinking about--”

“Just wait a little longer, fine? Don’t put ya’ pretty head through the wall” Mammon said, interrupting her. She could almost hear his grin.

“I can’t stop thinking about you” she confessed, her hands rubbing against her thighs. “I… Uhm-- I dreamt about that kiss tonight. So I tried contacting you again. I have been trying for so long…” she whimpered, feeling how tears were streaming down her face.

“Y-you dreamt about that?”

“Is that bad?” she chuckled, wiping her tears with the back of her hand.

“No! Not at all. It’s great you got to dream about The Great Mammon! Bet it was the best dream you’ve had, MC” he joked. MC smiled, remembering how adorable she found Mammon’s ability to try and hide his feeling for her. She put a strand of her hair behind her ear. Mammon’s laughter came to an end and after a momment of silence, she heard him sigh loudly. “We’re working on… getting you back. Could ya’ wait a little longer?”

“You had been trying to contact me before?” MC asked.

“Mhmm. So far I had only seen you when you walked around town, thanks to this device a witch gave me”

“You saw me?”

“Yeah! Going to very strange places, looking for ouija boards” Mammon laughed. “And getting swindled. It was nice to see you, though. You go quite a lot to that frozen yogurt place, huh?” MC laughed and nodded. “Sometimes I saw you with ya’ girl” he added, his voice doubtful.

“Yeah” MC replied with a small voice.

Both of them stayed in silence for a long time. She hadn’t expected to explain what she’d had gone through those last months. Best case scenario, she would find a way to go back and never mention her life on Earth again. She wondered how Mammon had felt after seeing her going on dates with the girl that was sleeping at her room in that exact moment.

“I tried to move on” MC confessed in a small voice, biting her lower lip. But… when I woke up tonight, after that dream I--- fuck, I wished you were there instead” she sighed. “I’m sorry”

“Don’t be. Just hang in there, ok? I’ll find a way to see ya’ pretty face again, MC” Mammon said, his voice sounding sincere. She smiled.

“I can’t believe I missed you saying my name that much” MC breathed out, the smile never leaving her face.

“O-of course! So-- Yes! Uh, this thing has a time limit so-- Just wait a little longer, fine? You promise you’ll wait?” She pictured Mammon’s blushing cheeks as he stuttered and nodded her head vigorously. “Good! Then go back to sleep, MC. Sweet dreams”

“Mammon,--”

The same burning sensation on her chest rose again and she couldn’t hear his voice anymore. She waited a few more moments, but she couldn’t hear his voice again. Cautiously, MC opened her eyes and saw the candles that she had lit up were extinguished. She let out a heavy sigh. In complete silence, she put the board under the sofa cushion again and threw again the candles. After everything was back to it place, she let herself fall on the sofa and closed her eyes, the biggest smile she had felt in months creeping on her face.

Just a little longer. She just needed to wait a little longer.

#obey me #obey me mammon #om mammon #swd mammon #mammon x mc #mammon #om mammon x mc #swd mammon x mc #obey me imagines #obey me scenarios #500 event

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himbo-buckley · 4 years

Text

Sex, Intimacy and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics) - Part 5

Hej alla,

hur cool att du är här! Vad kul!

(Kay, that’s it, all the Swedish I remember from two semesters of not really studying, so it’s probably also wrong, uups?)

(Still passed though.)

You guys! We made it! And please, do not imagine this read to you in a happy voice. I am sobbing. I already miss it!

(Also, if you do imagine how I might sound please consider due to several unforseeable circumstances of student exchanges in my youth I have a very weird mixture of British and American English, which basically translates to sounding like either of those doing a bad impression of the other accent - or you know, Australian.)

I’m really having a hard time finishing this meta because I loved doing it so much and I loved talking to all of ya’ll so much. This is a sad moment. (HEY, what if ya’ll came and visited my askbox and I get to discuss random stuff with you!)

Just a fair warning now, somewhere hidden in the middle: this thing is fucking long! We are talking longer than Season 2, so be warned!

Anyways, in case someone is new:

part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4

And some general info:

This meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics

I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.

I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!

On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something

This Meta has FIVE parts. Season 1 and 2 make up one part each, while Season 3, due to something pesky called feelings and the fact that I can’t shut up, has been split in three parts: Part 3 aka Season 3A, which spans 3.01 - 3.10, Part 4 which spans 3.11 - 3.17 and this part which is officially only one episode - but still manages to be just as long. Yay! (Sorry.)

And now for the last time for now: part 5 (also called „You’re a godless, half-witted himbo, Evan Buckley, and I wish I loved you less so I could talk about it more“)

Episode 3.18:

My oh my, this episode.

I loved it but I also … didn’t.

It was way too much and at times felt a little rushed and the pacing was just weird.

I mean I loved the party but did we really need 5 min of it? Did we really need Josh’s storyline and Michael’s so randomly in the middle of the episode? Could we have gotten a longer apology scene? Why the weird phone call?

Let’s talks about all of that! (It’s why you clicked read more, right?)

Ya’ll, I gotta be honest, I am from Europe and I regularly go to places via train and while it’s better than a bus, I can’t see anyone falling in love with that! I am just gonna assume Abby did not go by train in Germany. Or Austria. Or Italy. Listen, I like trains just fine but man, do they not look like what we see here!

But also, as someone who has watched Community, the train lady saying „This isn’t Subway“ in an Episode where the human embodiment of Subway acts is very very funny to me.

I feel like I don’t have to point out how significant the cut from Abby saying „They stopped waiting for me a long time ago“ to Buck and Eddie discussing Chris is. Everyone has talked about it by now. But yes, it registered, as did the fact that Abby is dating a single father - while Buck is apparently basically dating a single father. But, you know, that probably means nothing! *chugs a whole bottle of wine*

The co-parenting was very cute and honestly I feel for Christopher and Carla and the firefam is Buddie does happen because they will try to out-protect each other and it will be glorious and also Chris might never get to leave the nest ever. That poor boy.

Sidenote: We as a fandom have not talked enough about Eddie’s reaction to Bobby yodelling and I think that’s very tragic of us. Because his reaction is the best, all: „Is he - should I - no, you know what, fuck it, Eddie, ignore this, that’s too much, you can not unpack all of this, just move on. Brush it off!“

Just watch his face ya’ll, it’s great! (He will be talking to Frank about this, I know it.)

Sidenote: Also Eddie in 3.15 / 3.15. / 3.17 / 3.18 > any other Eddie, and no, I do not take criticism. That boy has always been fine but the military hair cut or what ever is doing things to me as do his happy eyes and the smiles - my god, the smiles!

It does seem significant though the way the show focused so heavily on Buck’s reaction and - as it had been the case since „Eddie Begins“ - we basically don’t see Eddie without Buck and that’s weird. That feels pointed and important, the fact that after realising, who his family is, Eddie basically never leaves Buck’s side if they are at work.

Also the way Chimney and Bobby look at each other in between, yeah, again, making fun of Christopher’s dads! Like, even if you don’t read this as Buddie, you cannot not read this scene as somewhat confirming the „Buck is Christopher’s other parent“-thing. And I know I answered an ask on Tuesday(?) where I said he wasn’t really but yeah, he is getting there. The whole season spent a lot of time focusing on Buck’s relationship with Christopher and even if it isn’t about Buddie, I still think it will cause trouble in Season 4 if Eddie begins dating again, specifically Chris’ teacher.

I also need to talk about Eddie and control, because like I said in part 4 Eddie needs to learn to let go of Christopher a little which is what we see here happening, specifically through the lens of making Buck even more overprotective than Eddie to really cement the fact in all our minds that Eddie is trying to let his son have some freedom. I am so proud of him, you guys! He just signed up for the worst two weeks of his life, he will be dying on the inside out of concern and Buck will pester him every two seconds about whether or not Chris is fine. This is why these three haven’t been to Disneyland, ya’ll! Eddie wouldn’t be able to handle it without murdering either Buck or himself. I’m sorry.

And speaking of how the episode is cut:

One thing I love about 911 is the way it always makes me consider new character pairings and connections I myself would have never thought of, in the context of this episode: Athena, Josh - and Eddie.

And look, the Athena and Josh thing is daunting enough but you can probably still catch my train of thought, because both are recent victims of assault and the episode shows them dealing with trauma and confronting their attacker, even though in Athena’s case it was just theoretical. But now you’re probably wondering, okay, why Eddie?

Well, for starters, what the episode made me realise, whether on purpose on not through cutting from scene to scene is how many similarities there are between Eddie and Athena, both of them always trying to be in control, both of them more prone to violence / more okay with violence than the others, both soft underneath, both with a tendency to let anger take over, both considered to be extremely capable, both with an intense need for control, both straight talker.

And now I will obviously not pretend that letting your child go to sleep away camp for two weeks is similar too confronting your assailant who beat you up, but still: facing fears and letting go of control vs. finding different ways to regain control is the theme for these three in the episode (or this Season in Eddie’s case) and I like it.

I really like what they did with Athena in general in this episode, because, while I don’t think we will see her as a civilian in Season 4, I am confident they will address her trauma and PTSD - especially if they only do a short time jump of say three months and not jump all the way to January / February which is when it might air if we’re lucky.

And I do think the comparison between her and Josh is very nicely done as both characters did the whole brushing it off / moving forward / I am not fazed by any of it thing, as we as viewers clearly saw what utter bullshit this was.

Which of course connects nicely to Mr. „Brush it off and move on“ who has spent a whole season learning to not just move on but to talk about it. A lesson he might have learned? At least that’s what the episode made me think, from the way he came to Buck / the firefam to talk about Christopher and camp to the way he so clearly tried to get Buck to open up about Abby. Jup, that is some motherforking growth right there!

I also wanna say hi to Brooke Shields and say I hope we see her again, cause her character seemed interesting!

And I do appreciate Athena herself addressing the fact that she messed up a little by not calling for back-up right away. This is not meant in a victim blaming way, I just think Athena is very used to handling everything on her own and not asking for help and it is interesting to see how that changes, now that it has backfired on her once.

And now we are getting into the Abby of it all and if anyone reading this is anti Buddie or severely pro Abby this is the moment to either leave or scroll down some more, because ya’ll I won’t really hold back!

(I think.)

I wanna begin by saying, uhm, Abigail, honey? Can you not read what is written on Eddie’s and everyone else’s helmets? Yes, he is from the 118, it literally says so on like every article of clothing he is wearing, omg!

(Writers, do better, that made an already unlikeable character seem downright stupid.)

Now it is very interesting, that the first person we see Abby interact with directly from the main cast (I’m counting the phone call with Maddie as indirectly) is Eddie who doesn’t know who Abby is but who is close enough to Buck to know the second he sees her who she is. The episode spends just as much time focusing on his reaction to Abby as 3.15 did on Buck’s reaction and tbh that feels … fairly non platonic. Of course we can always go back to „Stuck“ and remember what Hen said about Tatiana but still. That was one scene, here we have several scenes highlighting Eddie’s reaction to Abby and just, what do you want me to do with this, Tim?

I mean, the meeting scene literally goes like this:

Eddie *talking to Abby* > cut to Buck, coming closer > Buck: „Abby?“ > cut to both Abby and *Eddie* > Abby: „Buck?“ while the camera is still on her and Eddie > cut to just Eddie’s face having a realisation > cut to Buck

That is some very extreme focus if we’re being honest.

Also her panic reminds everyone of Buck in 3.15, right? The way she is screaming, disregarding her own safety, all desperate to get to her fiancé. Yeah.

I like how Eddie lets them talk and then steps in when he realises Buck is too shocked and only then rushes off, nearly touching Buck. Too be honest I didn’t realise his hand didn’t make contact until I saw some gifs of the scene.

Also the way Oliver plays this scene? The whole scene is so painful and I love it a lot, his whole delivery is so very painful, from the way he says „We’ll find him.“ to the „Um, what’s his name?“ to the „No. Oh. Don’t worry about it.“ because you can actually see him go through all the emotions from devastation to being so very pissed off and then locking that shit down!

Listen, I know it was teased that Buck had to grapple between being a professional and his personal feelings and I think this episode is him being a professional, because this is Buck and Buck cares so for Buck being a professional means risking his life for some guy on the train, regardless of his promise and who he is engaged to.

Sidenote: This episode really brought home why Eddie is a firefighter and not a paramedic, because his bedside manner is shit. „This is gonna hurt a little“. Way to downplay, dude!

Also, while I do love the idea of Buck getting to be Captain one day, I think this episode shows why he won’t be. Because even when he is being professional and having great ideas Buck still cares too much and is unable to make the hard decisions. Compare it to Eddie, who, yes, does say „If we have to choose“, but also is willing to make the choice. Because sometimes you have to. (And now I’m crying a little and oh my, this is why I do not work in any job that has me make such decisions because I could not imagine living with myself if I did.)

I do think however Buck did good, from the way he talked to Sam being his usual self and all.

I’m also such a fan of smart Buck and him standing up for himself with Bobby because he doesn’t get to do this often enough and because it is important for him as a character to learn to trust his own judgement and not depend so much on Bobby’s approval. So yay, my baby is growing up!

(Also, obviously Bobby’s worry was also about Buck and not just Athena, we’ve had half a season of Bobby doing the most to „protect“ Buck, mostly against his will, so I really like that Buck got to do the rescue his way in the end, because it shows growth on both sides.)

Now, Eddie and his dramatic reaction in this scene, first of all:

I wanna take a moment to remember the fact that Edmundo Diaz, my main man, my love, my absolute ray of grey sunshine, apparently lacks any kind of self-awareness - or he would stop acting all high and mighty around Buck because the second Buck is out of view he like, drops any pre-tense of having critical thinking skills or something akin to self-preservation and does the next thing that enters his bird brain no matter the consequences. So a moment of silence for Hen, Chimney and Bobby and all they had to go through in the 6/7 months between Buck getting crushed by a ladder truck and coming back to work, because Buck? They can at least make fun of. Or tell him: yo, bro, you being stupid!

You can’t do that with Eddie - because when Eddie does stupid he gone nearly die but like in a heroic way where he still ends up saving himself and you have to be impressed. Urgh, the nerve!

So, you know what, how about, Mr. Edmundo Diaz, you do not judge Buck for wanting to save people and risk his own life UNTIL WE HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU CUTTING THAT MOTHERFORKING ROPE? Got me? Thanks. (I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed, dude.)

(But then again EVERY MOTHERFORKING CHARACTER ON THIS DAMN SHOW SUFFERS FROM CRAZY STUPID DISEASE and no, I do not take any criticism.)

Also I loved Eddie’s dialog and how clearly the whole thing about the promise slipped out if the way his hands closed are anything to go by (or was he imagining punching some sense either into himself or Buck because in both cases: Call Frank, Eddie!). Anyway the way he just left, like, „I can not deal with ya’ll’s stupidity, I am leaving!“ has me shook! That is the top tear entertainment I expect from my favourite show and I love them for it!

I do love how both Buck and Eddie are in protector mode in this episode, Buck with Sam and Abby and Eddie with Buck, especially because if we’re being honest, which we are (this is a safe space ya’ll), Eddie is the one being far more unprofessional! For his standards, of course.

But this is the closest Eddie has come to showing some form of violence since 3a viewed chronologically (because 3.15 happened mostly in the past) yet Buck is just being is usual too caring self. It’s telling and it’s interesting and I’m just gonna say one thing:

„No one is good when it’s personal.“ - because for Buck with Sam it isn’t really personal (though that won’t hit him until later) but for Eddie it kinda is because he is worried about Buck. (And now I did spell it out! But, oh well, I did say we were gonna do some Buddie right around here!)

Sidenote: what exactly was the meaning / reason of that phone call between Abby and her stepdaughter? We already knew Sam had children and from the was she was looking outside they could have had her just see Buck and step out of the tent to watch the rescue, so why do it this way I ask? Why this incredibly unnecessary phone call that felt so very awkward?

Also I am not gonna talk about that scene right now, because I get mad every single time!

So I will just leave a link to what I’ve said about this scene so far here *and* give you the notes I took on this scene:

ALWAYS READY TO DIE

godless heathen of a man he makes me so angry i hate him i hate this show I wanna leave

EVAN BUCKLEY LOOKS GOD IN THE EYES AND SAYS NAH BRO NOT TODAY

(It’s not like his suicidal tendencies are relevant to this meta anyways because like I said a few paragraphs ago: The whole firefam has them! )

Also, for the first time ever: here is a picture I took while watching the show because what are these two extras doing? Why are they touching like that? Who are they and will we see them again? Does my brain get easily distracted by completely unrelated things?

Anyways, the way Buck answers Sam „She’s down there waiting for you.“ when he asks for Abby and his „Good to meet you Sam.“ really brings home how none of his behaviour was about Abby and all about Buck being Buck. (And now I am angry at him again, urgh, THE NERVE! Selfless fucking himbo!)

I really liked that Sam knew who Buck was and that they got to have this little interaction where he probably reevaluated the whole night because that boy just risked his life for him, the guy marrying his ex-girlfriend, and has spent the whole night being so very nice to him and talking to him. Not gonna lie, Buck is a good guy through and through and Sam probably feels like shit now.

Also Eddie coming to stand in front of Buck - I know some people think it was out of protectiveness, which got me thinking:

Tbh at first I was convinced it was a camera angle thing? Because if Eddie stood behind Buck we wouldn’t really see him. Then I thought, so why choose this angle to film it? Obviously the set had to be built a certain way so was there no other way to do it? Also why was it even important, that we saw Eddie arrive like that, couldn’t they have just changed the angle after Abby was gone to get Eddie in the frame? Why was it important that we knew that Eddie was there and 1) was putting himself physically between Abby and Buck meaning 2) that when Abby leaves with her single father, Buck is left with his single father? Why does an episode that is supposed to give Buck closure focus so much on the reactions of his non romantic partner?

(Because tbh, even if they needed to find ways to use Ryan Guzman in this Episode without adding too many scenes, they could have done it with less focus on Abby. I say this as a Buddie shipper who does recognise how important the connection Buck and Eddie have as friends is: storyline wise Bobby would have made more sense in most of these scenes and Eddie could have been used in a different way.)

I’ll leave this scene with the very nice visual of Buck running back to the traincrash and Eddie following him. These two. Like magnets.

And a quick topic change, because I do wanna talk about Michael and Doctor Hale as well in this meta, one because I found them very cute and two because I’ve now talked to a few people about Ana and Eddie and while we by now know she will probably be in Season 4, I feel like we need to compare Michael and Doctor Hale vs Eddie and Ana. Because there is such a difference in the way these love interests where introduced.

Now, of course we need to realise that Eddie and Michael are fairly different characters and Michael has way less relationship related baggage than Eddie has which is why he goes after what he wants way faster (also, carpe diem, he just found out he won’t die). Also of course, there is no moral component to address in Michael dating some doctor vs. Eddie dating his son’s teacher, but still:

Michael and Dr. Hale had one scene together and it wasn’t even overly flirty and yet, we knew where it was heading, we felt the chemistry and everyone ended the episode saying: I ship it, more of that - which they did give us, just *one* episode later. They had some awkward moments, yet the show never left a single doubt in your mind where this is heading.

Now look at Eddie and Ana:

Sidenote: I do wanna say be kind to the character and no hate, especially not to the actress! Yes, she needs to be flashed out more; no, what we saw so far does not make me ship them; no, I do not mind if they dated a little.

First of all we learned more about Doctor Hale in the two short scenes than we did about Ana in four scenes. That seems deliberate.

Second, while we do realise Eddie thinks Ana is attractive from the get go she repeatedly shuts him down by pointedly saying „Mr. Diaz“.

Third, every scene between them - and I mean every single scene - is connected to Buck in some way:

In „Fools“ we cut from Buck saying he likes being single to Eddie doing parent-teacher conference and yes, meeting some other teachers first but also Ana, showing us that while Buck is fine with being single - Eddie might not be. Also, Carla’s „blue eyes“ line which is a little clown-y, so take it with a grain of salt that it could connect us to Buck

Then of course her next scene is Eddie getting in her face about Christopher being hurt. Later in the episode we see Buck reference this on a call, meaning either Carla or Eddie told Buck about it (I am leaning a little toward Carla making fun of Eddie in front of Buck and Eddie then having to come clean about all of it, because I cannot wrap my head about the idea of Eddie telling Buck about having a crush, I’m sorry.)

Her next scene is Eddie coming to apologise to her and she gives her speech about limitations - which we can of course connect to Buck and Eddie talking about Christopher and his limitations before that and then afterwards going skateboarding with them. (It does feel a little deliberate.)

And then of course we have „Eddie Begins“ and you guys, they could have very very easily have either Carla or Buck make a joke about Mrs. Flores and Eddie’s crush in the firehouse scene, but they didn’t! And then we do get to see her at the end where she has one whole line and Eddie barely looks at her and you know what happens? They have a child ask the same question Buck asked at the beginning, making us think of Buck. Like, it would have been enough to establish Eddie doesn’t feel like a hero if the question was asked only once - twice in the span of 45 minutes constitutes a callback, meaning we are supposed to think of the other scene and that means thinking about the other person that asked, which was Buck

And yes, once Season 4 premieres and we get Eddie and Ana in this epic romance because Tim Minear wants to be the next Rick Berman, I will go back to this meta and beat my own ass. Or something.

(Listen, her returning in Season 4 does not mean endgame or the end of Buddie, it just means Eddie might get a love interest. Tbh I actually think it could get us closer to Buddie and you know what, I’m just gonna link all my Ana Flores posts here here and here now so you can read all the other stuff I, alongside some other people, said on this topic, if you’re interested because none of this has a point right now.)

Now, let’s get into the meat of things and talk about *that* scene:

Was it a good apology? No.

Did Buck deserve better? Fuck yes.

Did he get closure? Yes.

Is the way that scene was done actually perfect? I mean, ya’ll, yes? A little?

Listen, this scene was always about closure and that’s what Buck got here and that’s what Buck needed.

Buck, who in Season 1 had described Abby as the perfect woman, needed it to go down like this so he could realise she wasn’t and he could finally let her go. And that’s what it was about!

Obviously looking at Abby’s character this episode does not make her look good, like not at all and I’d be very surprised if we ever saw her again. But looking at it from Buck’s point of view it was exactly what he needed. (Not what he deserved, but yeah, if this show was about what Buck deserved it would be a whole lot different and Buddie would be canon by now.)

One thing I really loved about the scene was the way it was filmed, with LA in front of us, Abby and Buck with their backs to the camera and us only ever seeing them in profile, because it was a private moment and this sort of made you feel like you were intruding. Like you were listening in on a conversation and I liked that a lot.

Also I think her speech about losing herself through helping people is very interesting because it contrasts her to Buck. Buck found himself in helping others and lost himself when he was no longer allowed to do that and I think that is what she means when she says she would have lost herself with him again. Because Buck is selfless and he is so selfless he inspires others to be the same, except Abby isn’t but being with Buck she would need to be and that is a problem.

Look, if you’ve followed this blog at all or maybe just read part one of the meta you have probably guessed by now that I don’t like Abby. I found her character boring. I thought she overstepped all the time. I got so mad at her for the way she treated Buck in Season 1!

Because in 1.06 she *actually* complains about him being too thoughtful and scared of messing up while calling him a *toy boy*. The truth is, after 1.05 and their first meeting, Abby no longer takes him seriously. She hardly ever takes his feelings into consideration. The relationship, from Valentines Day onward becomes all about what she wants and what she needs and our Buck is the selfless idiot who gives her his all.

I mean, she never even talked to Buck about wanting to leave, just presented him with her decision and then lived her life and never thought about him again.

And like, I think she is wrong if she thinks she’d have lost herself with him again, because Buck was what showed her that she lost herself in the first place. He helped her on the path of self-aquaintance (I guess? I’m lacking the word here), but she is right if she means the relationship wouldn’t have worked.

Because one of them would have lost themselves, though I do think it would have been Buck and not Abby. After all, Buck was the one who gave everything up from the get go and yes, Abby helped trigger him finding himself alongside Bobby and the job and she did help him stay on that path in the beginning - but in the end it was never about her at all. It was about him and him alone and the amazing person he had always been.

And I think that is what Buck realises in the scene. Despite Abby ghosting him, he still looked at her through rose coloured glasses and with fondness, but here, he realises, oh, Abby isn’t perfect. Abby isn’t like the woman I made her out to be. Abby never really cared about me. And as much as that probably hurt, this is what Buck needed to let go of her!

He needed to see that Abby wasn’t the perfect woman so he could let her go - and find himself the perfect person, someone who reciprocates and doesn’t just take. (Am I crying?)

(And look, I am not saying he already found someone like that, someone who proved in this episode how much they care about Buck and his feelings and making sure he comes home every night to his family - I’m saying he found someone who is working on being that person!)

Let’s talk about Eddie and Abby for a second, again, okay?

(Bro, how did I just get to that topic? So random! *laughs in Buddie*)

When I watched the episode my second time to take notes, I wrote one that said ‚Abby and Eddie parallels / lawsuit‘ - and I gotta be honest I barely remember what I meant. But I did still produce some thoughts (just not sure if that was where I was going with the note, so if anyone has some other ideas, please share):

You know how Abby talks about losing herself when she is with Buck? Well, I know someone who lost themselves just this season because he wasn’t with Buck! (Jup, we’re back with the lawsuit, ya’ll really thought I wouldn’t bring this up? You guys! More than 20000 words and you still don’t know me!)

It’s a very nice parallel to have Abby talking about losing herself with Buck when we saw Eddie losing himself without Buck. Because while I think Eddie himself is a selfless person just like Buck, similar to how Buck needed Abby in Season 1 as a catalyst of change so to speak, Buck was the catalyst of change for Eddie.

I talked a lot in the other parts about Eddie having problems with voicing his needs and feelings - and now please once again look at his relationship with Buck. Because here he has been doing this, not from the get go of course, Eddie didn’t take one look at Buck and his whole life was turned upside down (that was Buck looking at Eddie), but I think Buck steamrolling through Eddie’s life helped Eddie find himself. Buck, from the get go, is a calm centre for Eddie, an anchor, even after he reconnects with Shannon. Buck is who he turns to in a crisis, who he trusts with his son, with having his back.

And I think in both cases - Abby and Buck as well as Eddie and Buck - the relationship is brought to the next level through Buck’s selflessness and willingness to help. But while Abby just takes it and doesn’t really see it as the gift it is and never fully lets Buck in, Eddie does the opposite. Eddie, whether knowing or unknowing, makes himself exactly what Buck needs: someone who puts trust in him, who treats him like an equal, who opens his home and his family to him. And he also tries (and this is a big thing considering who we’re talking about right now) to be there for Buck, to be his anchor just like Buck is his - which obviously works with mixed results, because one person, no matter how hard they try can never fix the problems of someone else alone. Believe me. I’ve tried.

And wow, did that get deep and fast! Damn ya’ll and I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in like 5 days. This show really gives me all the feels!

Now, to keep me and maybe ya’ll from crying I’m gonna change the subject and talk about something else, also known as the rest of the episode:

To go back to the start of the episode, Buddie really had some extreme couple / family vibes going on, especially with Christopher in the mix. It’s telling that they included a scene of Buck and Christopher specifically and it was to remind us once again that these two have a strong bond. I won’t go all: Buddie confirmed, this is were we are heading, ya’ll! Because as you must have realised by now I am fairly cautious when it comes to this and am always fighting to keep my own clownery at bay, but I do have to say so far nothing in this show and Season 3B specifically has read as a red flag for me, disapproving the possibility or making me feel queerbaited. Now, maybe I am just very off in my intuition and they will change gear in Season 4, but well, right now I have some hope! I also loved the scene of Christopher going to camp and the card which reminded me of 3.01 and also, Eddie looks so good here! And he came so far, letting his son go to camp and all!

Of course I would have loved to see Buck there as well, but one, that would have been a Buddie confirmed and we’re not quite there yet and I’m glad cause right now they aren’t fully ready (in show terms, fanfiction is something different), and two this proves what I said about Buck and Christopher being connected and him having parental / fatherly feelings toward the boy but like, not being his actual father yet! Buck loves Chris and Chris loves Buck and obviously he is part of the Diaz family - but he also isn’t.

(Also: I went to something like camp when I was 11 and you think both my parents brought me? Nah, son, they didn’t. My dad brought me while my mom made breakfast.)

Now, some sidenotes to round it all off:

Karen is a gift and I really hope we see more of her because omg, I wanna be her friend, I wanna be her wife, I wanna learn about life from her! She is awesome and I will never fully forgive Hen for cheating on her, like girly, Eva isn’t even close to Karen on any level?

And speaking of Hen, I love the subplot of Chim coming to terms with her potentially leaving and deciding to help her because he was who she really needed on her side - not anyone else. I’d write a meta on their relationship but tbh it’s so consistent and unproblematic, I really don’t know what to write except: goals about 10000 times. Which isn’t that different to me finding new ways to write THE CONNECTION, if we’re being honest but oh well! Now it’s too late to stop that!

I loved Athena getting spooked by Bobby showing up behind her when she was getting a drink - talk about this show finally addressing the trauma these characters go through! And it only took, oh well, about 35 episodes. Let’s hope that is the energy they bring into Season 4.

Now the apology scene with Bobby, I do hate how Buck is once again the one apologising and especially since it’s with Bobby but I do think it was a nice scene and a great callback to 3.01. Also this episode showed a lot of growth in Bobby and Buck’s relationship. Because after 3a was all about Bobby projecting onto Buck and making decisions for him based on what he thought was the right thing, this episode not only had Buck standing up to Bobby in a healthy and adult way (no lawsuit this time!) but also Bobby giving in and letting Buck make the decision even if he disagreed. That is some motherforking growth right here and Babe, I hope you are not to disappointed with me, but if they keep Bobby like this I might actually begin to see his appeal to people (still need him to suffer the consequences of his actions, though).

But to end on a great note:

Buck is doing okay and - most importantly - MADNEY BABY!!! You guys, we knew it was coming from the promos and all but I cried! I cried so hard! I am so happy for them! These two soft characters and their amazing, open, caring, trusting, adult relationship deserves all the luck in their fictional universe!

Whew, you guys! We’ve done it! And it’s longer than Season 2 (I’m sorry, are ya’ll surprised? This episode was a lot!)

I feel like I should write some form of conclusion to this whole meta and yet my words elude me. Here are the few I have for you though:

This meta began with the idea that neither Buck nor Eddie really knew how to be emotionally intimate with a person and instead used sex as a substitute. This is no longer true for either character.

Buck has learned through his relationship with Abby, that he can be both physically and emotionally intimate with a person and he has proven how this is still true in his reaction to Taylor and his relationship with Ali, what little we saw of it. Furthermore Season 3B specifically showed that Buck, while still afraid to open up to people, is trying. I do think Season 4 is heading toward some kind of romance for him and while I am praying to several deities I do not believe in and the universe itself that it is Eddie, I am not sure. I hope so. But never the less, my shipping aside, Buck has grown tremendously in the course of 3 Seasons and I am so impressed both with his character and the way the show has so realistically done it. I love him. Even more than Buddie I hope we get to see him truly happy in Season 4, happy and settled and learning what life actually holds for him because that kid could rule the world if he wanted to. Now, Eddie: It’s funny, when I began this meta I felt more connected to Buck, I didn’t really see myself in Eddie, I barely had a grasp on his character at times. Now? Now he is my favourite, I love his greyness, his goodness despite his faults, the way he always struggles with himself to do better, to be better because it doesn’t come naturally to him, because it has been taught to him to do the opposite. And that is so impressive. I love the growth we saw in him, the evolution, the fight to be a better man than his own role-models and I love especially how all of this was motivated by and for his son. He truly loves him more than life itself and I am so impressed with 911 subverting something that feels like a very female storyline by giving it to a man.

But of course Eddie isn’t done yet and Eddie still struggles with intimacy and opening up but he is getting there. Through Frank and Buck and for Christopher he is fighting and he is getting there and I love that for him and about him! He deserves to be happy in Season 4 just like Buck, but mostly he deserves to be at peace with himself!

And I already talked at length about Ana and their potential and linked what I thought didn’t fit in here, so I will not bore you by repeating myself and just say: wait. Wait and see. Maybe the show will surprise us. Maybe it won’t. Maybe corona will kill us all before we have a chance to see Season 4. Maybe we are in the Matrix and the blue pill is a metaphor for being trans. Life is strange!

Also on a more personal note I wanna say thank you to everyone who has read and liked and reblogged and commented. I love all of you. Your support and trust in what I am saying has meant a lot and will mean just as much in the future and I do hope I get to do this again in like a year once they return!

(Also, not to sound needy but another reminder to please reblog and comment? Because I *am* actually writing this because I really wanna talk about the show and my feelings and your thoughts and you know, that can only happen if ya’ll do some reblogging)

(Or come to my ask if you are more comfortable being even more anonymous, I don’t judge - I NEVER ask question any other way!)

In diesem Sinne: hamma wieder was gelernt, recht herzlichen Dank für Ihre Aufmerksamkeit und auf Wiedersehen!

Also, of course, the tagging:

@chimbuckleys @angelcamael @greyhello @the-family-we-choose-118 @ipleiade @sevensoulmates

#buddie #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie meta #buck meta #eddie meta #911 meta #911 #911 fox #meta #textpost #mine #season 3 #my meta

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