#yes this is about people who immediately cry animal abuse on just about any video no matter how innocuous

[boy-above]

some people lose all critical thinking skills upon seeing an animal video

[throwawayforanaskcauseanxiety]

Some long thoughts on Angel Dust, "Poison" controversy and "Loser baby"

It's kind of incredible how divided people are on Hazbin. Two creators I follow for various animated media reviews have such different takes it's a bit surreal, but their arguments on SA and Angel Dust are wildly different, even though technically coming from the same place.

First things first, disliking a character, a ship, a song in the show or Hazbin hotel as a whole is fine. Yet, some arguments are better structured than others. There's a lot of discussion and some bizarre misinterpretations.

People who have been victims themselves have quite the different opinions on both "Poison" and Angel dust, and it's fine, as long as the topic is handled seriously and with respect. A lot of people loudly praise it and point out that "Poison" doesn't shy away from showing reality (coping via disassociating), while graphic, the abuse is shown in a 100% negative light, not pulling any punches (regardless of who was one of the storyboard artists). Others say it's gratuitous and uncomfortable. Regardless, Valentino IS an absolute bastard, the abuse is horrifying and its impact is immediately clear.

We can't have any kind of representation if we're too scared to be uncomfortable. Not everything has to be scrubbed clean and palatable, it can be nuanced. Hazbin hotel discusses some very adult topics in an adult way.

It's not "a weird choice for "Poison" to be a catchy pop song" or a mock music video, knowing most of what we were first shown as Angel's persona. Listen to the lyrics, he's literally having a breakdown. It's sugary catchy pop because Angel is trying very hard to disassociate. Just look at how "Angel Dust" acts throughout the series and how "Anthony" does, in most scenes he's scared, panicking or crying.

Secondly, "Loser baby" is very important to both Angel and Husk - it's Husk being both in your face honest, talking about himself, and playful (and self-deprecating). All bark and no bite, a taunt to drop the act cause Husk sees through it, worries about Angel and can relate. Angel doesn't have to pretend like everything's fine and he's this untouchable famous pornstar. I love how Husk is reaching out to Angel and then waiting for a response to take his hand, it's really all in the subtle details.

They're "both losers", however, Angel is not a loser for being assaulted and abused (Husk isn't a loser for being an alcoholic or a gambler), it's about identity. How others identify him, the mask he puts on, and how he should accept who he is on HIS OWN terms. Just as importantly, know that HE'S NOT ALONE.

The song is not comparing "their traumas, SA to a gambling addiction" (obv paraphrasing, still, what...?). Angel and Husk are in the same boat because they sold their souls to people who have disturbing amounts of power over them. They both have to dance to their whims, albeit in different ways, and come to terms with who they are in spite of it. Does Husk's silly song break away their chains? No. Does it help Angel find courage to stand up to Valentino and create some well-needed boundaries? I'd say yes.

Thirdly, twitter is a disease and media literacy is dead. In more ways than one, keeping in mind the countless debunked "accusations" and people getting harassed over valid criticisms (f.e., the pace, progress shown on screen and not or just not liking the show). Things are easily misinterpreted in worst possible ways, the mob mentality around it. Where people take the line "[Alastor] fled with his tail between his legs" and interpret it as "Alastor has a tail CONFIRMED". Goodnight sweet prince, rest in peace.

[sleepysloth99]

A/N: Heyo everyone uhh basically my mental state got me fucked up so why don't we make headcanons for numerous Sweet Home characters. 2 parts. Part 1 is a simple them comforting you during an anxiety attack and part 2 is them reacting to you telling them that you're a burnout gifted kid (yes OP needs some fucking help😂).

Characters: Hyuk, Netflix Wook, Hyun, Jisu, Yuri

I suppose content warning? Anxiety is mentioned after all.

Part 1: Them comforting you during an anxiety attack.

Hyuk:

•Guy is clueless as fuck lol.

•He'd try to make things better but he actually kinda made it worse.

•He feels terrible since he feels so useless in this situation. He's not exactly great with people.

•Eventually he gathers himself and gives you a blanket and makes tea.

•Puts on your favorite anime or show in general.

•He apologizes for being so crappy with all this.

•You have a favorite stuffed toy? He'll get it for you.

���Lots of cuddles. If you want he can play a video game and you can watch him.

•He's trying his best :)

•This is only the first time though.

•Around the third to fourth time this happens he'll actually know what he's doing.

•Ask what's wrong and won't panic. He'd be a lot more calm and would definitely be less hesitant to hold you.

•Again just bear with him.

Netflix Wook

•Thought Hyuk was bad? Wook's even worse.

•He doesn't know what to say so he just pats your shoulder.

•Lots of headpats.

•Right after you calm down he searches up about anxiety attacks and what to do if someone is having one.

•He'll also search up what to say to a partner during an anxiety attack.

•The only reason he kept his mouth shut the first time was because he was scared he'd upset you more.

•Want him to cuddle you and hush you? He'll do just that.

•Want him to hold him because you find holding things more comforting then being held? He's already laying down.

•Whatever makes you calm down he will do just that.

•He also buys snacks for you.

•Overall one of those "Quiet Supporter" types. He doesn't really say anything because mind you he isn't exactly great with his words so using gifts and physical affection he will try to calm you down.

•One muscular teddy bear lmao.

Jisu

•Unlike Hyuk and Wook, Jisu is a lot better at handling emotions for the most part.

•She'll immediately ask what's wrong and hold you.

•She'll just listen, and give her input when she feels the time is appropriate.

•She'll order out food and watch a show with you.

•Hell for you? She'd illegally stream a movie lmao.

•Lots of soft blankets.

•If you want, she can sing for you or play the guitar.

•She keeps her composure despite secretly being freaked out since she's never dealt with someone having an anxiety attack.

•She has a bat so if you wanna go out and smash shit up she'll come with you.

•Wanna scream all your worries? She already has her bass set up.

•She'd paint your nails if you want.

•She'll let you lay in her lap (Imagine laying in Jisu's lap☺️)

•Gives headpats.

•Gives scalp massages.

•Just like Wook, provides snacks.

•Would go all the way and buy a fucking pet for you.

Yuri

•See what's so special about Yuri is that she's worked as a caregiver for years, albeit with elders.

•So believe me she's seen a LOT.

•What I'm trying to say is out of everyone here, she's the best when treating you during an anxiety attack.

•She asks what's wrong.

•She never yells by any means.

•She kinda whispers but not really.

•Very calming, uses lots of lavender and chamomile based products.

•Already making some tea (or some drink you like).

•She'll run a shower for you.

•She uses aromatherapy based products in said shower.

•She would run a bath for you but that wastes water and she doesn't want you to sit in your own filth.

•Uses aromatherapy lotion on you.

•She will do some skincare for you.

•Spoils you with cuddles and snacks.

•Tries to ask further questions like "How long have you felt like this? Is there any other problems?"

•She won't push you though.

•Sleeping on her lap with fluffy blankets and forehead kisses. (Bro imagine sleeping on the goddess's lap???😳😳😳)

•Surprisingly very sweet.

Hyun

•Bro not gonna lie he really wouldn't know what to do.

•He's broken as is so if he says anything that comes off as insensitive he doesn't mean it, he's trying his best.

•Another Quiet Supporter.

•Will give you a hug.

•Will let you sleep on him.

•He might start crying too. He feels so powerless in such a situation. Seeing his significant other panicking and not knowing what to do or say.

•He'll try and ask what's wrong but being in a similar position, he knows how annoying it can be when someone asks what's wrong.

•He's distant but close at the same time if that makes any sense.

•He'll read a book to you if you want.

•He'll try and whisper sweet nothings but again this is pretty foreign for him

•He'll get take-out for you and put on some anime.

•He'll even watch an anime he really hates as long as it makes you feel better.

•By the next day he'll pretend nothing happened but just expect a stuffed animal packaged up at your door. Who sent it? I dunno. (Not him that's for sure nope nope totally not him.)

Them reacting to you saying you're a burnout gifted kid.

Hyuk

•He kinda relates.

•He will always be there to let you know you're doing great.

•He will always be there to support.

•When he sees your homework scores lowering and grades crashing he'll be there to help you somehow.

•He actually does your homework while you sleep. By the time you wake up you have no clue because he made copies of it but he actually used your account to submit the work. Man the shit he does for you.

•One of the school staff actually almost caught him saying "You're not acting like your usual self. You never get such good score in math."

•Thankfully he looked at how you talk online especially to teachers and managed to kinda copy how you talk online.

•He still thinks you should talk to someone about this. You know someone professional.

•Again though he'll always be there for you.

Wook

•He wouldn't know what to tell you.

•"Yeah... that does suck."

•He'll support you and try to get you mental help for it but... yeah.

•He can't really relate to the whole burnout thing so he's very distant here.

•Course that doesn't mean he won't try and help you.

•Again he wants you to get mental help especially since he isn't the best with words.

•Really he's clueless. He'll try his best but honestly even Wook thinks he's the worst person for this.

Jisu

•She also can't really relate since she was always just the band kid scraping by back in school.

•She's still very empathetic.

•She'll try her absolute best to help you with the long term damage that is gifted child burnout.

•She will make sure you don't go abusing substances. So no you cannot have any of her cigarettes. She will literally throw them all away.

•She'll write songs to motivate you.

•She'll make sure you never give up on something just because you didn't get it right the first time.

•Seriously this woman loves you, she'll do anything to motivate you and make you happy.

Yuri

•Now Yuri can semi-relate. Being trained to take care of the elderly did do a number on her so she knows burnout when she sees it.

•She will literally smack your hand if you try and overwork yourself.

•"Don't. I'll do it."

•She really wants to do everything for you because she hates seeing you all burnt out.

•She's stubborn as hell so it's gonna take a lot to convince her to let you actually do your work.

•Seriously somebody come get her she's starting to burnout herself.

Hyun

•Lmao Hyun can relate 100%

•He IS a burnout gifted kid.

•So yeah he is actually the worst person to go to for this issue since he's having the same problem.

•However! That doesn't make him all bad.

•You can be burnout gifted kids together!

•Whether it's cuddling while comparing your current selves to your past selves or playing video games together to feel a false sense of achievement, you guys are doing this together.

•Is it the best and most healthy way to deal with this problem? No!

•Is it still a pretty great thing to have your boyfriend by your side and sharing all of your pain every step of the way? Hell yeah!

•In all seriousness, you two try to support each other.

•Lean on each other when the burnout gets unbearable. He'll offer a shoulder to cry on and you'll reciprocate (at least I hope you do.)

•You both try to get mental help or at the very least join one of those support servers on Discord.

•You guys often lie in bed late at night talking about how you both feel like failures. To which Hyun says "We can be failures together." In an attempt to make you feel better.

•It actually... kinda helped.

°

°

°

And with that being said, today's headcanons are done! If you want you can drop some requests, although I don't do any NSFW requests. But yeah that's it. I'm pooped, bye!💝

[serendipitous-posts]

I see your Au’s where Klaus is the one with his powers suppressed and I raise you an Au where Ben’s power is the one suppressed

(May call this Cthulhu au? Sounds about right. I also somehow made Reginald worse??)

So, Reginald Hargeeves is a dick, but he’s also pragmatic, right? He doesn’t care for these kids, as long as they can live up to his expectations

He is absolutely determined for them all to reach their full potential, mental and physical safety be damned

So in this verse, he doesn’t give up on Vanya. He remains certain that he can control her and that she can control it

It takes a lot of time, but he’s persistent in his belief she can achieve greatness, which would be amazing virtue if he wasn’t such an abusive ass

The violin, he learns, helps a lot, helps hone her abilities and fine tune them to her advantage

The press love the little musician, with her big shiny eyes and careful nature and gentleness

You know who the press doesn’t like? Ben. Hates him actually. 

Or rather, they hate what is inside of him. They hate the Horror

(once, when ben was very young, he had tried to explain to three that he was the horror and the horror was him. like conjoined twins, but she had looked so disgusted that he had shut up)

Because it’s hard to spin a weird eldritch abomination that kills people into a positive light, and in the aftermath of every mission there’s always a group, growing louder and louder with each one, arguing that just because they were criminals doesn’t mean they should be murdered. That the Umbrella Academy were playing judge, jury and executioner when they shouldn’t, that they had no legal power and what were they doing?

An even smaller group, but potent in it’s ferocity, points out just how terrible it is, forcing a child to kill people

And normally Reginald would write it off, ignore it except-

Except he can’t ignore the way the Horror has been acting lately-hungry and aggressive and mad. But not towards the other kids, no. Towards him. He steps into the room and Ben’s skin starts crawling and twisting.

(if he didn’t know better, he would say it was trying to protect him)

And Hargreeves, as we see in season 2, is an experienced fighter, but he’s not going to kid himself. He knows he doesn’t stand a chance against the Horror. The only ones who might are his siblings

But, as he realises with horror, he doesn’t know if they would side with him against number 6.

Because Ben is the shy, quiet kind one. If he ordered them to kill them- Number One might do it, but the others? No, no way, he sees how they look at him sometimes, all quiet fuming hatred and anger and-

They’d probably try and kill him themselves

But they’re young, and easily manipulated so he starts - leaving suggestions really- makes them watch any videos of the Horror attacking, showing it’s rampage as Ben wilts before them all. Suggests 6 shouldn’t be near the cameras anymore because he’s too frightening. TV shows now have movies like Alien and documentaries about parasites that burrow under the skin

They see a hulk figurine in the store one day and he makes sure to tell One, loud enough for everyone to hear, that he’s not a hero, he’s a monster, because he can’t control his impulses

At the end of every mission, he finds a reason to critique the Horror and Ben and their brutalness, all the while sending them out to do so anyways

The Horror, perhaps sensing the amount of bullshit that is happening, grows worse, grows even more agitated over time

4 and 5 and 7 rally behind him, because 5 and 7 are his isolation buddies and 4 and him have been friends forever. But 1 and 2 and 3- they start to pull away, little by little

Because they believe that he’s going too far that their father may actually be right, at least on this, it is a little freaky, and it’s not just their father saying it, it’s everyone and they can’t all be lying

He makes them all sit in on Ben’s special training- killing a rabbit, and now Vanya starts to flinch whenever he comes into the room, stops inviting him to her recitals

(it’s not a coincidence that rabbits were her favourite animal)

Five stays loyal though, making a point of going with him to the libraries or talking to him about books he’s read. Ben’s- he’s paler now, even quieter, but he enjoys the company and the Horror always seems to settle down in his presence

Then Five disappears one day and never returns. 

Reginald is torn because on one hand- he’s one asset down and Five was always a very useful asset and very very clever but he always thought he was so clever, working around all of his rules

Vanya and Five were the closest and now she’s alone. And even though Vanya is one of the nicest people out there, she just lost her brother, and she needs someone to blame to lash out at and she remembers how Ben and Five would talk for hours about Five’s powers

She yells at him, screams at him that this is his fault, and Klaus tries to intervene but it doesn’t really work, because in this universe Vanya isn’t forgotten or ignored, she’s the most powerful and that comes with a certain amount of respect.

She’s more confident and sure of herself and she is sure that this is Ben’s fault

The Horror, sensing Ben’s stress, lashes out. It slams a tentacle down on the ground in front of her, causing her to scramble back, suddenly aware of the fact that she is in a room with someone who has a literal monster in his stomach

Diego walks in on Ben attacking their sister and immediately grabs his knife, stabbing into it and Ben howls, the tentacles sliding back under his skin

Diego is praised for his quick thinking, one of the few times his father ever compliments him and he holds it close to his chest

(she’ll realise her mistake much later of it not being Ben’s fault, but she doesn’t apologise, too scared of the Horror and what it could do to her)

(she full on avoids him now)

All that leaves in Klaus, but to be honest? He has his own issues to deal with. At first, he clings to Ben because he gets it, the absolute hatred you have to your powers

And Ben is so so so happy to have someone be there for him, someone who hates their abilities as much as he does. They comfort each other after their own personal lessons, talk about which powers they would like to have, how they would love to get rid of their powers entirely

And then Klaus does. Get rid of them. 

Well, kind of. Drugs as it turns out, cancels out his abilities. They learn this during a mission and he’s so happy. And Ben is so happy for him

Except . .  after a while, Klaus starts to pull away too, so caught up in the world of drugs and addiction and leaving him behind to deal with his own issues

He tries to confront him on it, but Ben was always the meekest of his siblings, and it doesn’t go well

“You’re just jealous” Klaus spits “you can’t turn off” he gestures towards Ben’s torso “that thing.”

All the while, the Horror is growing more and more agitated, squirming under his skin like an itch, stretching it and bruising it, awful and visible. His siblings, sickened by this display, start to avoid him, which just makes him agitated, which just makes the Horror agitated, which makes it more active, which makes his siblings avoid him more, rinse and repeat

(he can’t move, somedays, from the pain of it all, muscles stretched beyond their limit by the thing that should never be beneath a persons skin)

And then- and then, after a very bad mission, where his siblings had all looked away as he emerged bloody from another room, his father tells him he doesn’t have to do missions if he doesn’t want to

Holy hell. Holy fucking shit

This is- it’s- everything he has ever wanted since his first ever training exercise 

He says yes, of course

(The Horror hasn’t been this calm in years)

And he doesn’t have to go on missions anymore! He gets to stay home and read and be alone but in a good way and it is everything he has ever dreamed of and more

(in another room, their father announces that Ben is too dangerous to be allowed on missions anymore, and that he won’t be training with them anymore)

His siblings are torn between relief-that they won’t have to see another killing spree, and jealousy-because he doesn’t have to go on missions or have personal training

(none of them are relieved for ben, who always hated going on missions)

Klaus especially is jealous, and is snippy towards Ben for the remainder of the week, but he’s on cloud freakin’ nine, and he doesn’t really notice any of his sibling’s odd behaviour

But as time passes, Ben starts to feel more and more left out and excluded. The main reason why the siblings are so close is that they go on missions and train together, and Ben is no longer doing that.

He also notices that the others are . . . blaming him a lot. Even for things he didn’t do

“Why is there a hole in the wall?”

“Ben must have let the Horror out”

“You’re bringing an animal inside the house? Don’t let Ben see it”

It’s lonely, but the alternative is going back to training, and he would actually rather die. It’s just- he’s being selfish. The Horror is a monster (he is a monster) so it makes sense that others would think he was the one doing Bad Things

And Ben spent his entire life trying not to be a Bad Person, but everyone keeps saying that he is a Bad Person, and he isn’t sure what to do. Sometimes people recognise him on the streets, pull back, hide their kids, some the same age as him

(once Allison and Luther were with him when this happened, and they looked at the woman shielding her baby with something like-understanding? empathy? whatever it was, it made Ben’s stomach open, but not in a Horror way in a Bad Way)

He breaks down in tears, finds his mom in the middle of the night, feeling like a baby because he is fourteen years old and he shouldn’t be crying except this morning Diego had turned to Luther and asked “where’s the freak?” and Luther had grinned and said “Ben’s still in his room” and neither had realised he was standing behind them

(family scapegoat syndrome is a very serious thing.)

He goes to her, crying and wishing that it would just go away, that awful, awful monster in his body, why won’t it just die already?

Grace tries to comfort him, but Reginald knew this would one day happen, and put certain  . . things into her coding, things she can and can’t say.

She sits there and tells her son awful things about him and the thing that lives inside of him, a parasite, she is forced to call it, to call him

(and you may think Diego hates Reginald the most, but that title has, will and always shall belong to Grace)

“You’re disgusting” she tells her son and thinks of the man who made her

Ben wails, loud and strong, and the Horror responds to his horror, jumping to life and slamming into Grace and then Ben is screaming and he can hear his siblings footsteps, rapidly approaching, but he’s trying to get to his mom and-

He blacks out

He wakes back up in the infirmary, where Pogo is waiting for him. He explains how their mother is damaged, and will take a while to fix

He has to go about his day with Diego’s glare scorching his back. Breakfast is burnt porridge and milk.  The first chance he gets, Diego accosts him, knife missing by inches

“A-a-asshole!” He shouts, brandishing a knife “h-how could you?!”

“I didn’t mean to!” Ben squeaks, because he was always the shortest brother and his brother loves their mom and he hurt their mom and his brother is armed

“Diego stop” Vanya says, tugging on his arm “you’ll anger it”

Ben looks down to see his skin ripple and flushes, pressing himself even further against the wall

“You saw what happened with mom” Allison chimes in, glaring at Ben because their breakfast that morning was awful

“He’s not worth it” Luther says, and for once it seems they’re in agreement, because Diego turns and walks away, the others trailing behind him

Klaus stops, and gives him a sad look before scurrying after them, leaving Ben alone

Afterwards Ben is pulled into dad’s office and he’s handed pills. “To suppress your more . .  animalistic side” he said by way of explanation. 

Six blinks up at him. Suppress? As in . . get rid of? No more Horror

“It has come to my attention that you are far too dangerous to have running around unchecked” dad says when he asks, and Ben wilts

He takes the medication, and tries not to get his hopes up about it, but the Horror is gone

Instead of the usual aching chasm in his stomach there’s nothing. Just a sense of stability, of calm. He doesn’t feel like bursting into tears or crawling away in shame

(he doesn’t . .  he can’t feel much of anything really)

But he does feel excitement. His siblings are going to be so amazed- no more Horror!- and- and his dad can give Klaus some medication too, so he doesn’t have to use drugs anymore- or other drugs anymore!

His father pulls him aside and tells him that he must never tell anybody about this medication. His siblings have to keep thinking he can summon the Horror

Ben loves their father so much, wants to impress him, wants to make him proud. Except-Klaus. Klaus deserved to have this medication too, right? His- his powers were way worse than Ben’s

Reginald tells him, point-blank, that if he tells anyone about suppressing the Horror, he will take him off the medication

And that is-Ben feels kind of muffled right now, as if he’s under a weighted blanket but-

Terror is the only way to describe it, because he just found peace and now it is being threatened to have it ripped away

He lies about the Horror. The others continue to avoid him, but he also avoids them now, guilt over his lie causing him to cut himself off from Klaus, who cared for him, who deserves to have this as well, but Ben is just so selfish-

The second he hits eighteen, Ben leaves the house. He’s been on medication for 4-5 years now, and it shows. His emotions are basically gone.

He stays away from everyone until the funeral, when Five returns, telling him about the apocalypse, and he believes him, wholeheartedly believes him

He’s so frazzled by the announcement that he goes off his medication, forgotten in the moment of the literal apocalypse

(Reginald Hargreeves was a man trying to play god. He tried to lock away a beast too strong to be tamed)

(Someone should have taught him;when you cage a beast, the beast will get angry)

[my-makeshift-masquerade]

Ableism Stories With Becca (Part 1 of ?)

(Since my family doesn’t seem to want to admit I have trauma, and that what happened to me likely wasn’t fair, the only validation I get is essentially from the internet! It’s unhealthy, yes, but whenever I try to talk about these things, I always get told it was a time I made a bad choice. Here’s one of my stories of possible ableism directed at me as a child. If you relate or just wanna tell me this is ableism and I’m not crazy, feel free to reblog!)

I was in the 6th grade (12 years old), and I took a class that was structured around giving students free reading time. It was supposedly the greatest class ever and everyone loved the teacher (I am not going to say her real name, but I will call her something close to it: Mrs. Readling.) I had problems the moment I walked in. Any time she caught me looking away from my book (even though she put videos of the ocean on the projector which was super distracting), she would sternly remind me to keep reading. I was annoyed overall, but I did my best in the class.

Then one day, I forgot to grab a coat-hanger for a project. I was the only one who forgot, and she asked each of us if we had it as we were lined up outside. I was about to cry when I apologized to her about forgetting. Mrs. Readling warned us that if we didn’t have the hanger, we would be punished. When I went back into the tiny portable and sat down in my cramped seat in the corner farthest from the one and only door (that will be important later), she said something like this:

“Class, Becca forgot her coat hanger. We are all going to laugh at her so she doesn’t do it again.”

At first, I was in shock any teacher would use humiliation as a punishment, but then I realized the worst part. I was surrounded by my fellow students, and most of them were known to be very violent. The area where I grew up was a suburb but almost all the kids there acted like they were from a “rough” part of town. When I walked home, many of the boys from my classes would smack my butt or otherwise sexually harass me. I was even run over with a bike once. Because this didn’t happen on school property, these people were never disciplined and I never felt safe. I would jaywalk just to get home faster and hide.

I felt something sharp poke my wrist, and found the people at the table grabbed our scissors from the supply bins and started trying to stab me with them. I looked to Mrs. Readling, thinking that this humiliation had clearly gone on forever already and she was probably going to tell them to settle down any moment now. She did no such thing. She just watched...like she was waiting for me to crack and do something I’d regret....

I have ASD OCD and anxiety, so I was panicking and struggling to make words come out of my mouth properly. The worst part was that the room crowded with bookshelves and students had no clear route to the exit. I literally couldn’t run away. I stammered multiple times asking them to stop, but what angsty teenagers would listen to my pathetic begging? Of course they kept going. I was becoming more and more scared, the laughter began to echo in my head. Then I felt the prick of the scissors again, and I had enough.

I turned to that boy beside me and said the only thing I could think of to get him to stop, “If I had something sharp too, I bet you wouldn’t be doing that!” I said that with the intention of making the students back up or move away, hence giving me a route to sweet escape. I never wanted to harm anything or anyone. All I wanted to do was book it to the bathroom and cry my eyes out for the rest of the day.

Mrs. Readling immediately butted in, “Oh Becca that is a threat! Go to the dean’s office immediately!”

I tried to tell her these people were trying to stab me with scissors, but she just half heartedly said “sorry” and said I had to be reported to the police. Kids after the incident started calling me a future shooter. I was crying and terrified as I told the other adults what happened. I even begged them not to arrest me because I wanted to stay with my family. They remained surprisingly neutral and offered me no comfort. They searched my belongings for weapons, and found nothing, obviously.

My mom was even upset with me and emphasized how this event would be on my record FOREVER. She was likely worried that if I made violent threats like that ever again my disability would cause me to be institutionalized without my consent. She blamed my affinity for anime at the time, particularly Naruto. (That series was responsible for my perseverance through all the bullying/emotional abuse I endured from my peers.) She saw a kunai on the poster in my bedroom, and somehow linked that to me implying I had something sharp.

I ended up getting in school detention, nobody else was there, like I had been shoved in the copy room and they called it detention. I just sat there crying, filling out the “What I did wrong” worksheet and mentally shaming myself for daring to protect myself. That was what I did wrong. In the past, I was often blamed for my own harassment and bullying problems by teachers. If I ever tried to defend myself and not take the harsh treatment, that was like being a bully to them. Eventually the proctor asked what happened, and I told him. He looked at me and just said, “You shouldn’t be here, kid. I can’t let you out, but I want you to know you aren’t to blame for this.”

Anyway, that’s my story I guess. I’ve been having some rough times and it is normal for me to have flashbacks of these sorts of events when I am in a real tough spot. My parents want to avoid me obsessing over the situation, which I am prone to doing sometimes, so they never really let me get my feelings out all the way. I still want to ask them if I was really in the wrong here, part of me still believes that I was.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #383

“the big bully try to stick his finger in my chest  /  try to tell me, tell me he’s the best  /  i don’t really give a good goddamn ‘cuz i got my lunchbox & i’m armed real well”

Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Well yeah. Most of my friends are online, and while I've seen pictures of most at least once or twice, some I still haven't. The last time you threw up, what caused it? It was a side effect of a mood stabilizer I started. Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? I'm sure there's something, idk. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? Yes. Have you ever had a stalker? No. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? It makes me self-conscious way more than anything. I start to obsess over whether or not the person things poorly or weirdly of me for liking what I like. I just feel judged for liking it, but that's my problem. Do you like it when people give you nicknames? I do, actually. It feels kinda affectionate to me. Do you often find yourself checking out people’s butts? Haha I'm not gonna say it's never happened, but it's not something I make a habit out of for sure. What fandoms are you in? MEERKAT MANOR IS BACK BAYBEEEE, Markiplier, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, Spyro, Wings of Fire, and lots more, honestly. I'm into a lot of stuff, and I don't love in moderation, haha. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? Yeah, like Supernatural, Good Mythical Morning, or Warriors, but it wasn't out of "I don't like it anymore" or anything, I just drifted away. Anything the fans in your fandoms do that pisses you off? World of Warcraft if particular has one of the most toxic fucking fanbases. There are so many goddamn elitists and people who whine about "boohoo WoW is dying" and "omg this game has been trash since Wrath" and yada yada yada and it's annoying as hell. They always find some shit to complain about. Then Silent Hill... ugh. I think people just hop onto the "the series sux after 1-4" bandwagon to fit in with a certain crowd, but that's not the main thing that annoys me; rather, it's the fact the former main admin of the SH wiki made a fucking joke out of us there. He was clearly having personal issues and made a HUGE and utterly ridiculous deal of Silent Hill 4 having heavy symbolism to the main character being obsessed with the bullshit idea of him being circumcised, and it led to a maaaassive thread of us members trying to talk some damn sense into him as he abused his power. He was finally banned by the Wikia staff, but not in time for some gaming websites to publish "news" stories about it because it was just that ludicrous. Now, YEARS later, we still get trolls coming onto the site to try and revive the drama by inserting absolute rubbish into pages or making new ones. Nowadays I'm the main administrator there, and it's fucking embarrassing sometimes. I'm supposed to keep the wiki under control and respected, you know? Ugh, I'll stop. I could rant for a very long time about this. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffly. Do you write down your own recipes, or just commit them to memory? I don’t cook. What color do you want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, lilac, and a light creamsicle orange. I REALLY want to dye it SOMETHING. :( How do you like your chicken? Of course breaded (like nuggets, tenders) is my favorite, but I also enjoy is broiled and seasoned well. There's other ways, but because I don't cook, I, uh... don't know how a lot are made lmao. Do you enjoy cheese fries? UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH YES. Do you eat refried beans? I absolutely hate beans, so no. What is a food you enjoy, but don’t have very often? A whole lot because a lot of it is from restaurants and we don't eat out all that much. As well, my diet is very narrow just because of how picky I am. Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Why? I mean, what are we comparing them for? I think Audrey is fucking gorgeous, though. Marilyn is also beautiful. Favorite fictional world? Uh, I dunno. Do you use lint rollers often? No. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want to. Has your power ever gone out for more than a day? I think so. Other than a dislike button, what’s something you wish Facebook had? Hm, I dunno. What time do your parents normally get home from work? Mom can't work right now, but I think Dad gets off around 5PM. Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yep. Do you think it’s better to look for love or let it find you? Both can work, but I definitely prefer to let it find me. I feel that *in general* that usually has better results. Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? No. I'm a very committed person romantically. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? No. Have you ever had a rash from poison ivy? I don't believe so, no. Do you have any chairs in your bedroom? No. Did you watch Elmo as a child? Some, yeah. Do you know anyone who doesn’t eat meat? I don't think so, off the top of my head. When you throw up, do you cry? No, but I'm a whiner and will also shake from fear because I have such a phobia of vomiting. Doing it totally turns me into a baby. Who was the last person to carry you? I couldn't tell you the last person to full-on carry me, but back when I tore a ligament in my foot, my mom kinda had me lifted when she would help me walk. Is it easy for you to accept loss? Absolutely not. I handle it very, very poorly. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had a rolling back pack? Yes. Who knows you better than anyone else? My mom, probably. Would you ever want to go to Brazil? Sure, if the opportunity came up. Are there any medical conditions that run in your family? A lot, mostly heart problems. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica imo. Who is the biggest jerk you've ever met? She was somehow my former best friend. Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never been in that situation, thankfully. What's a charity you would never donate to? I'm really not familiar enough with charities and their practices to know which ones are sketch or not. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you have any exes you'd consider dating again? Yes. What were some of your favorite classes you took in high school? Art and German. Mythology was fun, too. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Yeah, I have a cousin that's a lawyer. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, outta curiosity. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like, two days. Part of the reason I left Girt was because I liked Sara. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? Chicken noodle soup. What's a movie series where the sequel was better than the original? Ha, for some reason Inspector Gadget came to mind. I guess from mentioning my childhood. I was FUCKING OBSESSED with that movie as a kid. The first one's fine, but I love the second one. Does your car have heated seats? Mom's doesn't. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing strange, really. Describe your hometown. What’s it like there? Small and dangerous. Lots of run-down areas. A gang nearly broke into our house once, if that helps you get the picture. What was the last video game you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 forever ago. What did you learn from your last failed relationship? It really just taught me that you need to take care of your own mental health before you can effectively handle another's properly and strike a healthy balance. What country does your favorite band hail from? Britain. What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done? Finish decorating my room. -_- Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Good Mythical Morning, I suppose. I used to be OB-SESSED. I still adore Rhett and Link as people, they are fucking wonderful human beings and excellent entertainers, I just drifted away from their content. I don't really know why. Do you sleep with the TV or the radio on? No. What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)? Menstrual cycles, I'd say. It affects your mood so much, and as someone who's bipolar, it can be very confusing. I like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. What movie has the best special effects? /shrug How many work hours per week is too much for you? I wouldn't know, I've never really worked long enough to figure this out. Can you remember your first day of school? I think I have the faintest memory of it. I know I was very scared to leave my mom (I had absolutely awful separation anxiety from her) and I MIGHT have cried, but I don't really recall with certainty. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No thanks. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Most, no, because the level of cringe is LITERALLY unbearable for me. Do you have a safe? Mom does somewhere. What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? The breakup. That night was just fucking terrifying. I was so certain my life was over, like the situation was so, so impossible in my head. What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) My memory's faint, but I just remember I had a nightmare where a LOT of my bones were totally snapped in half. When was the last time you saw a relative? Excluding my immediate family, I last saw my now-departed grandmother and my uncle a while back at a hotel as they were passing through. Have you ever been in a TV audience? No. Are you in any way close to reaching a personal goal? Not really... Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Do you like making collages? Not really. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? No. What would you love to learn to do? Digital art, like drawing on a tablet. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Lemurs. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot, 100%. Are you more shy in real life or on the internet? I am WAY more shy irl.

[bnha-mcu-requests]

Request #5

Okay so I have a story idea that I cant find so if youd like to could you maybe write it? The idea is bakugou and kirishima get together and all the others in the dorm think that its probably a toxic relationship based on how bakugous personality is, so they confront one of the two, and bakugou is rlly hurt by it aaaand that's all I got

 I love this request and I am so sorry it so long to respond to it but here it is!

The room was dark. Not an oppressive or frightening dark, but one that promises comfort, warmth and a good nights rest. 

Perhaps Kirishima was being biased but with Bakugou nestled under his chin, strong arms thrown haphazardly over his chest, he would say he was entitled to his bliss. It had been awkward at first, Bakugou angrily confessing his feelings during a training session before attempting to run away under the guise of storming off. Kirishima had acted on instinct pulling him back into an admittedly sloppy and inexperienced kiss but, he wouldn’t have had it any other way.

The rest of 1-A had yet to find out and both were content with this, neither really understanding the need to make a massive deal about burgeoning relationships. Besides, they were happy together and that’s all that really mattered. Privately, Bakugou worried about the responses they would receive, his less than pleasant demeanor was not exactly the poster for a healthy relationship. But whenever he voiced these insecurities with Kirishima, he was pulled into a tight hug where whispered responses and assurances of love tickled his ears.

Truly, they were made for each other, and while both knew it, neither broached the subject, embarrassed by the sappy confession.

Kirishima was snapped out of his musings by a groan and movement as Bakugou pulled himself away from the bed to stretch, arms reaching towards the ceiling, and, weak to the wiles of the blond, he didn’t deny himself a glance at the toned abs that peaked out from the bottom of his loose tank top.

Crimson met vermillion and an uncharacteristically soft smile graced Bakugou’s face as he admired his bedmate. 

“How long was I out Ei?” he asked, gravelly voice sending shiver up Kirishima’s spine. 

“About three hours. The others are back from shopping now and it shouldn’t be too long until dinner is ready”

The blond’s nose scrunched up in distaste as he remembered who exactly was on cooking duty that night.

“Fucking half and half better not have made cold soba again I swear to god I’ll explode the bowl” small sparks popped in his hands emphasizing the disgust and Kirishima could only watch on fondly as his boyfriend - his boyfriend holy shit he was dating Katsuki - grumbled while moving around the room looking for his hoodie that the redhead new for a fact was strewn over his desk chair. 

Kirishima let out a loud groan as he swung himself out of bed, sighing in relief at the loud pops that emerged from his spine, ignoring the concerned look Bakugou threw his way, before ambling over to his explosive partner and wrapping long arms around his torso. The boys were of a similar height however, Kirishima’s muscly form made him seem bigger than Bakugou who’s form was more like that of a swimmer’s. He nestled his nose into Bakugou’s nape breathing in the slightly sweet scent of nitroglycerin that followed the blond around. He felt his face vibrate as other chuckled and pulled away.

“C’mon Kat I just wanna hu-” he was cut off by soft lips pressed to his in a chaste but meaningful kiss.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dinner was a rather uneventful occasion, ignoring the yelling at the discovery that they were, once again, having cold soba and the students of 1-A settled down into the common room for Saturday night games. 

Everyone got involved in the game night, even Bakugou and Iida who under normal circumstances would have retreated to bed at 8 and 9 respectively. It was a good bonding time, or so Mina had declared when she first announced the idea. That was almost a year ago now and at this point, everyone had just accepted it as part of the routine. Sometimes they would play cards, charades, video games, monopoly and other board games, but on occasions when the class was high energy, they would beg Aizawa to let them use the training grounds for a massive game of tag or manhunt.  Tonight it was Hagakure’s turn to pick a game and like the teenage girl she was, she chose truth or dare.

Immediately people went around the room giving boundaries as they all knew there were some subjects that shouldn’t be disturbed in such an open environment as game night. Todoroki refused to talk about his scars, Shoji refused to take off his mask and Kouda would never be forced to talk if he didn’t want to.

Other than those boundaries it was pretty much a free for all, anything goes, nothing is off limits and as the night went on, the dares and truths got more and more personal or humiliating. Eventually, Kaminari worked up the nerve to ask Bakugou a question.

“Truth or Dare?” the boy asked, nervous sparks dancing across his cheeks causing Sero to move away slightly to avoid getting shocked.

“Truth” Bakugou grunted from his position on the sofa, arm thrown casually over the back of the chair so he could discretely stroke the back of Kirishima’s head.

“Um- are... are you and ....”

“For fucks sake Pikachu just ask the question” Bakugou snapped, startling a squeak from the other boy.

“Are-” “ARE YOU AND KIRI IN A RELATIONHIP?!” burst in Mina who had grown tired of waiting. The room went silent and all eyes shot to the two boys sat on the sofa, warily trying to assess the threat levels from the explosive blond.

“Yes” a collective cloud of confusion shrouded the room, some relieved that the boy hadn’t exploded while those who were braver began to ponder the nature of such a relationship.

Sensing the change in the atmosphere and feeling uncomfortable, Bakugou stood up, excusing himself to the bathroom. It was only seconds later that Midoriya got up to follow him but when Kirishima also made to stand up, he was stopped by a hand gripping his elbow.

He looked down into the doe eyes of Uraraka. She looked worried.

“Are you okay Kirishima? Bakugou isn’t forcing you to say that is he?” Shock stunned the redhead silent, he couldn’t believe what he had just heard. He sat down, surprise stealing the strength from his limbs.

“What?” he breathed out, voice barely louder than an whisper.

“Well, Bakugou is quite a violent individual, I can’t imagine that he would be the nicest of partners” Momo voiced from where she was sat in front of Jirou who was braiding her hair. Despite the eloquent flow of her speech, she looked distinctly uncomfortable, throwing subtle glances towards a stoic Todoroki - something that Kiri noted to look into later.

“He’s not hitting you....is he?” Uraraka once again asked, usually bubbly voice heavy with concern. 

Before he could respond, he heard the door to the common room open and Midoriya and Bakugou walked back in, Midoriya wearing a small smile and Bakugou appearing much more relaxed than he had when he left.

That was shattered when Iida sped towards him, hand slicing up and down much too close for comfort as he demanded to know if Bakugou had been hitting Kirishima.

“That is abuse Bakugou! I cannot believe you would allow yourself to stoop to that level! It is very unheroic” - Todoroki flinched - “You should be ashamed of treating someone you should love in this manner!”

Shocked, confused and a little hurt Bakugou stepped back, eyes darting around the room before he made contact with Kirishima.

“Ei-” he began before he was cut off by an angry Mina stepping in the way, blocking his view.

The blond turned his head towards Deku who looked just as confused as he felt and was trying to calm the still yelling Iida down. Under the weight of hateful glares and crushing betrayal, Bakugou was paralyzed - ‘Is this how Deku felt?’ flickered into mind before being chased away. 

Unable to do anything, unable to breathe, to talk, to defend himself, Bakugou turned and walked out of the room, deaf to the demands that he come back and blind to the worried look and approach of his boyfriend who was held back by Sero and Ojiro. 

He continued to walk, numb and silent until he found himself in his room. He locked the door and turned off the light.

This dark was cold and oppressive reminding him of the harsh accusations he had just heard. It wrapped around him in a suffocating mimicry of a hug, cruel words whispering telling him that they weren’t wrong, he was terrible. He did horrible things and he didn’t deserve Eiji- Kirishima.

Sinking to his knees at the foot of his bed, Bakugou Katsuki began to cry, his hiccupping sobs swallowed by the night, going unheard by the angry masses downstairs. He couldn’t hear the defences that Midoriya and Kirishima put in place, he couldn’t see the guilt in his accusers’ eyes when they realised what they had done, and he didn’t feel the warm arms that picked him up from where he had curled into a ball and that laid him into the bed. But through shuddering sobs, he could smell the cologne he bought Kirishima for his last birthday and he allowed himself to relax into the warmth of his boyfriend's chest, finally falling into a fitful sleep.

 There we have it. I know that toxic relationships can cover a wide range of aspects however, given the way Bakugou’s personality is portrayed in the manga and the anime, I believe this is the form that would most fit should the relationship be a toxic one.

My exams are finally over so I have more time to write requests and a post containing the rules for the requests (since I realised I didn’t cover those) will be coming out shortly. In the meantime, send me your requests, they really help to get the creative juices flowing!

[shadowburner76]

DO THEM QUESTIONS TOO BBY, A L L. O F. T H E M. /ineedtoknowmoarabtsenpaihuehuehqodbaosk/ ( ˘▽˘)teheh--

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?Not really.2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?Four tbh. I don't really like the dark too much?? It isn't 100% afraid of the dark, more of what's within it and watching me, you know?3. The person you would never want to meet?Donald Trump. I'd probably end up beating the shit out of him.4. What is your favorite word?Fuck5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?A weeping willow! I rlly love them and they're so pretty 6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?"Oh god"7. What shirt are you wearing?My 'Gaming Peridot' shirt! Hella comfy 8. What do you label yourself as?A Raging Bisexual9. Bright room or dark room?Dark bc nap time10. What were you doing at midnight last night?Tryin to help a fren out11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?Like,, five? I was livin on a farm w/ goats and a cow who thought he was a goat. I also rlly like my age now bc my birbs, cats and pupper12. Who told you they loved you last?My dad. It was kinda awkward 13. Your worst enemy?My mom's boyfriend. He's a dick.14. What is your current desktop picture?I think my last desktop picture on my sisters computer was Zenyetta from OW15. Do you like someone?Possibly 16. The last song you listened to?Wait For It from Hamilton 17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?Probably myself 18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?My mom and my mom's boyfriend 19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?Probably Ohmwrecker?? I'd force him to play video games with me20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)My thighs,, thicc af 21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?I'd be taller, have a lil bit of muscle and if wank it22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?Falling asleep in the most uncomfortable places 23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?Basements. Don't like em,, never will. I used to be rlly fuckin afraid of mirrors too?? I'd scream and start crying whenever I saw one24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.Steak and cheese, pepper, onion, spinach and ranch 25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?Bird clipping, some snack, lighter fluid and so on26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?F r a n c e27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?Captain Morgan 28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? Weed is legal and you can't do shit about it29. What is your favorite expletive?Fuck30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?Probably my Eevee??31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?Abuse.32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!Japan, France or Greece33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?My cat. Junebug34. What was your last dream about?Tbh I don't know?? I think it was one where I had a twin sister and bad things happened and it ended up with my head bashed into a water fountain and my eye missing.35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?Are you a good person to animals?36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?Yup. All throughout my life. Got sick a lot as a kid and later in life a ton of shit happened and wowow a lot of hospital visits 37. Have you ever built a snowman?Every year38. What is the color of your socks?I don't have any on, but I love my funky socks. They have wild designs and I like to mismatch them39. What type of music do you like?Anything and everything40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?Sunsets41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?Peanut butter and banana 42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)Cincinnati Bengals for American football, but I don't rlly know any soccer teams qrivnb never found interest in the sport43. Do you have any scars?Yup. One on my chin, my knees and elbows, forearm, stomach, forearm and abdomen area44. What do you want to be when you graduate?Zookeeper45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?Weight46. Are you reliable?I mean, kinda?? Like I am at times, but then other times I suck complete ass47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?Have you completed your life goals?48. Do you hold grudges?Yes. I hold them very easily and for years at a time49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?An owl and a wolf 50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?I accidentally sent a friend a weird picture of my face and I screamed for them to delete their messages and to not look then I sent a crying picture with "hnnng" across the bottom.51. Are you a good liar?Yes52. How long could you go without talking?Like,, three days to never replying ever 53. What has been you worst haircut/style?I cut my hair to ears length and I justSweet child why,, multiple people called me young man too54. Have you ever baked your own cake?Yes55. Can you do any accents other than your own?Yea I pick up on accents vvv easilyI was talking to my sister and slipped into what people would call a "Boston accent" and my sister was like "dude wtf you went all Boston on us,, u doin okay?"56. What do you like on your toast?Butter and jelly 57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?A mask for my oc?58. What would be you dream car?Jeep59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.I sing and sit instead of standing60. Do you believe in aliens?Yes 61. Do you often read your horoscope?Nah62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?J or W63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?Why can't it be both???64. What do you think about babies?Please don't put them in my arms,, I don't wanna drop em65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.Penis

[maladaptivereverie]

Madd Asks!

This was created by @maddcastle so go check them out!

1. Do you use a repetitive motion to stimulate daydreams (rocking, pacing, etc.)? What is it/are they? Can you daydream without repetitive movement?

I typically pace or rock in a chair. I can daydream without doing this but most times I can’t control myself and have to pace or rock.

2. Do your daydreams get violent? How do you feel about them? How do you respond to them?

My daydreams tend to get violent very often. When it first happens, I don’t really notice however I will snap out of it and feel pretty uncomfortable. Unfortunately, I typically can’t stop it and am left to the mercy of my violent daydreams

3. When are your daydreams the happiest?

My daydreams tend to be very happy immediately after I come home from school or being with other large groups of people. It seems that the more time I have to daydream, the less happy they become

4. Do you daydream in first person perspective? Do you have a parame/avatar?

While I do have a parame, I don’t daydream in first person.

5. Do you have (a) linear daydream(s)? How long has it/have they been running?

I have a semi-linear daydreams. I’ve been daydreaming about the same group of paras for about six years now. The best way to describe what I mean is to give an example: I have my main group of paras who are just trying to make something of their life. Sometimes I’ll think of something interesting but I don’t know if it will fit in that universe so I jump to another. Then I take whatever happens in that universe that I liked and put it back in the original one.I’m not sure if that made any sense but yeah...

6. How did you discover you had madd? How do you feel about it?

I just so happened to come across a blog that talked about it and when I read more about it, I had never been so relieved in my life. It made me so happy to see that there were other people who understood how I was feeling. Up until that point, I had felt so much like an outcast and so strange about the fact that I spent hours of my day pacing and daydreaming about made up people. SO I guess in short I was excited.

7. How do you feel about your characters/paras? Have you ever fallen in love with them?

I love them. All of them, even the most terrible ones. They just hold a really special place in my heart. And yes, I have fallen in love with the,, one in particular now.

8. Do you know any other MD’ers personally?

No. None that have told me anyway.

9. How did you feel about it before you knew what maladaptive daydreaming was? Did you think it was something everybody does or that you were unique?

I thought I was so strange for spending all day creating these ‘movies’ of sorts in my head. I knew that I had a problem, though. I just didn’t think anyone else had this problem.

10. What most influences your daydreams? Realtime events? Books? Movies?

Literally anything. Any type of media I consume causes me to daydream. I don’t think one stands out.

11. If you have a parame, please describe them. Are they much like you? How do you feel about them?

My parame is me but cooler, less socially awkward, and actually has talent that they use. I wish I was them and it probably wouldn’t be hard to change myself, however, I just daydream about it instead.

12. Do you have favorite paras? Why are they your favorites?

Two of my paras, Kimber and Nic, are my favorites. Nic is one of the first paras I made. He’s the one I daydream about when I wanna laugh or feel better (or put all my trauma onto). Kimber is the one I’m probably strangely in love with. She’s the one I turn to when I’m stressed or feeling lonely. They’re my favorites because I can daydream about them easily and use them as emotional crutches.

11. How old are the majority of your paras?

They tend to age with me, so right now between 16-20.

12. If you could give your paras any advice, what would you tell them?

Don’t keep secrets that could hurt people.

13. Do your paras appear in a style other than realistic? For example, like anime or in the style of a video game?

It’s sort of a style like Avatar the Last Airbender. I think that’s the best I could describe it. Anime inspired with bits of realism

14. Do you have OCs?

I consider my OCs to be different than my paras so yes. My OCs are characters I can actually make a story out of.

15. Are any of your paras adopted from existing fiction? From real life?

Not adopted but adapted. Most were based on characters from other media. Mostly anime and books like Pokemon and Percy Jackson

16. Where do you get names for your paras?

Sometimes it’s just the first thing I think of but behind the name is where I get a lot of my names from.

17. Do your paras have tragic backstories? Will you share a few?

Yes but it depends on the universe. One example I can give you is Leandra. In this particular universe she witnessed her baby brother’s death which she felt she had caused because of her inattentiveness. Since that they she’s been hesitant to become close to people and aggressively protective of her surviving brother.

18. Are any of your paras deceased? How did they die? How did you feel?

Again, depends on the universe. Most times I’m too affected by it to make it permanent though.. Usually they die by accidents

19. Are your paras human? Mortal?

They are all humans

20. Have any of your paras ever completely disappeared/vanished from the daydream world? Is there a story behind it or was it an unconscious occurrence? Do you think they might return? Do you want them to?

Yes and it’s always an unconscious decision. I would like for them to return and I’ve tried to force it but it’s no use.

21. Have your characters commit crime? Have they been to jail? Are they legally innocent? Are they socially innocent?

Not usually though I have a separate universe just for this. They’ve done illegal things but it’s like under-aged drinking and stuff. And they haven’t gotten caught so...

22. Do your paras often find themselves in dangerous situations? How/why? Do they go looking for trouble? Does trouble look for them?

Yup because they’re all my dumb, irresponsible children. They don’t think and they get involved and stuff they weren’t prepared for.

23. What do you associate with your paras? Colors? Smells? Words?

Colors. It’s incredibly hard for me to associate with a para if they don’t have a color associated with them.

24. Has a para ever broken your heart? Have you ever broken theirs (through a parame)?

Not romantically or anything. Just watching them do incredibly dumb stuff breaks my heart though.

25. Has a para ever made you physically cry?

Yes because I’m an emotional wreck.

26. Do you act out your daydreams? Do you speak to/through your paras out loud?

Yes, most of the time actually. I even try to imitate they’re accents which ends badly. And on more than a few occasions I’ve injured myself through acting because I’m clumsy.

27. Have you ever been caught daydreaming?

Yes, but they didn’t know that. I just play it off rather than explaining.

28. What do you most dislike about being a maladaptive daydreamer? Are there things you like about it?

I hate not being able to control when I daydream. I hate that no matter how tired I am, if I haven’t daydreamed, I physically can’t rest. I do like the fact that I can provide myself with entertainment and even curb my loneliness if only for a few hours.

29. Briefly describe a daydream.

A good example of my daydreams would be a group of paras sitting around at someone’s house or in school joking with each other, which will morph into something violent and/or sexual, which will in turn shift into them getting involved into some sort of gang war (for lack of a better way to describe it). and then back to the group.

30. Do you daydream to music? Is music a necessity to daydream? Do you wear headphones? How loud do you keep the volume?

Yes but it’s not a necessity. Sometimes if I have music I can’t daydream but that’s not often. I keep my headphones incredibly loud. Maybe about two or three notches below max.

31. Do you have models/faceclaims for your paras?

Yes. I spent an entire week on Pinterest looking for faceclaims.

32. Does daydreaming energize or exhaust you?

Depends on the subject matter. Happy daydreams will energize me but darker ones tire me (doesn’t stop me from daydreaming though).

33. Do you think there is a pattern/correlation between your daydreams and how you daydream them? For example, are your daydreams more violent when you’re lying down?

I have more sexual daydreams lying in bed (not purposefully). At school I have daydreams about them being there with my parame (not me myself).

34. Do you have distinct daydream triggers? Do your daydreams come and go as they please?

No. Anything can cause me to daydream. Even sitting here writing this I’ve had to stop to daydream a few times. 

35. Does your mood affect the amount of time you spend daydreaming? Or their intensity?

When I’m in a bad mood I daydream more and often more intensely,

36. Have you ever had daydream block? How did you feel? How did you break it?

No. I’ve never had it.

37. Have you ever had abusive paras? If it is not too sensitive to share, will you tell us about your experience with them?

Yes, but often I try to stop daydreaming about them. They pop up occasionally, which is very distressing, but I do everything in my power to stop daydreaming about them because they typically target my main group of paras.

38. Do your paras directly affect you in thisverse? Do you only interact with them in fictional scenarios or do you find yourself reaching for them in realtime, too? For example, do you converse with them mentally when facing a difficult situation?

I talk to them in boring or stressful situations. Or sometimes I use them to give myself advice or talk myself through a situation.

39. Do you only daydream fantasy? Do you dream about thisverse?

I combine both. For example, I have my paras react to real life events.

40. Do you do research for your daydreams? How much? How often? How deep?

Yes, all the time. Anytime I think of something I don’t know much about, I research. I go pretty deep too. Sometimes I spend more time researching for a daydream than actually daydreaming about it.

41. What was your first maladaptive daydreaming experience? Do you remember it? How did you feel about it?

I can’t really remember though it may have been imagining a child who accidentally murdered someone at a park.

42. When did you know what you did was different?

When I started high school and realized I didn’t really know how to interact with new people. Everyone I had gone to middle school with, I’d known before I developed MaDD, so I couldn’t really tell. In high school, however, I was the new kid who didn’t know anyone so I began to rely even more heavily on my paras.

43. Do you ever daydream through the perspectives of paras of the opposite sex? How is it?

I couldn’t tell you a difference if I noticed one.

44. Do you experience any confusion between fantasy and reality? Does daydreaming leave you in a haze or in a dazed state?

Yes, but it has to do with my thoughts. I have trouble distinguishing between me and my parame’s thoughts. If I’m shaken from a daydream I’ll be very dazed but stopping organically I’m fine.

45. If you have a parame, do you experience any dysphoria because of them?

No, I look very similar to my paame

46. Do you ever rewind your daydreams and re-daydream old material?

I think 90% of my daydreams are just me repeating the same ‘story-lines.’

47. Do you remember your daydreams in detail?

No. I only remember how it made me feel or what changed, Not usually exactly what happened.

48. Do you edit your daydreams? To what extent? How often/how much does your brain block you from controlling things?

I try but I’m pretty much at the mercy of my mind. I can’t really change much that doesn’t want tot change, no matter how much I want it to.

49. Do you get excited when you see or hear a para’s name in thisverse? When you see someone who looks like them? When you see something you associate with them?

Not really. If anything it makes me sad and come to terms with the fact that my paras aren’t real.

50. How might you describe maladaptive daydreaming to someone who does not experience it?

I’d say that for me it’s excessive, immersive  daydreaming that is often times uncontrollable.

Well, thanks for reading if you made it this far. I don’t really know anyone so, please feel free to do this as well.

[shadyb00ts]

My Top 12 Favorite Pop Albums of 2017

Man, 2017 was a great year for pop music especially. This year was also when I started actually using Spotify, subscription and all, for the first time, so the new music I discovered just kept on piling up and I was so here for it. I decided I’d compile a top 12 list of my favorite albums, since it’s the end of the year, why not. And yeah I know the “normal” format is top 10, but bitch I have 12 favorites, whaddaya want. And even these I had to really narrow down. If you follow me on Twitter at all though, you probably know exactly what my number one album is. It’s an album that’ll probably be on many people’s number one spots, but I think I’ll do this list descending. This is also only the music that I’ve discovered personally, so if a big pop album/EP from this year wasn’t mentioned, means I either didn’t really like em that much or I have yet to discover them.

#12. BETTY WHO - THE VALLEY

Spotify | iTunes

I actually first heard of Betty Who through Troye Sivan’s song “Heaven” which she featured in. She strikes me as Australia’s equivalent of Carly Rae Jepsen because her songs are all just the completely infectious, bubblegum pop sound that I find irresistible. Some of my favorites from this album are “Mama Say”, “You Can Cry Tomorrow” and “Human Touch”. This is a great album to put on when you’re getting ready with your friends or just wanna jump around and be crazy. If you’ve never heard of her and you’re a pop music freak like me, this album is right up your alley cause it’s chock-full of bops. I’d also recommend checking out her debut album, Take Me When You Go, which has more of the Carly Rae-esque 80s-y feel to it than this one.

#11. TOVE LO - BLUE LIPS (LADY WOOD PHASE II)

Spotify | iTunes

Oh, Tove. What else can I say? If you love pop music then you know exactly why this album made the list and it probably made yours too. She is just the ultimate master of making unapologetically sexual bops. She’s always been very sex positive and seriously, the production on her songs is always spot on as fuck. I’d say “shivering gold” is one of the songs that I keep coming back to the most, as well as “stranger” and the addictive lead single “disco tits”, but this entire album is filled with solid and sultry pop songs that you can pop your pussy to any time. Tove is just always so unabashedly nasty and honest, I always love that about her.

#10. ANNA OF THE NORTH - LOVERS

Spotify | iTunes

One of the indie artists I discovered on Spotify which I’m immensely grateful for. Her music is right up my alley; modern yet very much rooted in dreamy, 80s-inspired synthpop. I pretty much like every single song across the board, but some of my favorites are “Money” which is a really cute song about warning a guy about dating a gold digger, and then “Feels” and the title track “Lovers “ which both just make me drift off into a dreamlike state every time and zone out, and I find most of the songs on this album have the same effect on me. “Dreamy” really is the perfect adjective to describe it. I strongly suggest checking her out if what I’ve described is your thing.

#9. BILLIE EILISH - DONT SMILE AT ME

Spotify | iTunes

I know this is technically an EP since it’s under 10 songs, however I couldn’t possibly skip out of putting it on my list. Billie Eilish is one of the biggest breakout artists of this year I think. I saw a tweet recently from someone who said and I quote, “Whatever ‘it’ is, Billie Eilish has it.” I agree 1000%. She’s got star quality all over her. Looks, talent, all of it. The thing I love about her songs is that her attitude is always present in every one of them. Like in “my boy”, when she’d go “WHAT” or “Alright, dude, go trip over a knife” in between the breaks, and in “COPYCAT” where she does this long, drawn out apology only to top it off with a “sike”. “party favor” is also a very interesting song since it starts off with an answering machine message and it gradually fades into the actual song, and I thought that was such a cool effect; her personality just shines through in her music and that’s what makes her such a star. I have a feeling Billie is going to take 2018 by storm.

#8. DUA LIPA - DUA LIPA

Spotify | iTunes

Yet another new artist who is just oozing with star quality. I had a bit of a slow-to-grow thing with Dua though, for whatever reason. I held off from actually listening to her debut album because I wasn’t really feeling the singles she’d released prior to it. I recognized that she had an incredible voice, but for some reason I just wasn’t warmed up to her enough yet. Enter “Scared to Be Lonely”, her duet with Martin Garrix, which I think is one of the best EDM songs ever made. When I heard that song, I was like okay let me just sit down and listen to this bitch’s album and see what she’s all about. And I was pleasantly surprised. I was surprised at how diverse this album was especially cause she explored a lot of different sounds for almost every song. “New Rules” will always be my favorite, because obviously. That followed by “Genesis” and “Begging” are just a few of the stand-outs for me. Just like Billie, I have a feeling 2018 will also be a big year for Miss Dua.

#7. MUNA - ABOUT U

Spotify | iTunes

God, I am so happy I found this group. I first discovered them through their song “Winterbreak” which I thought was so beautiful and melancholic, I had to dig up more of their songs. Even just thinking about this album gives me a feeling of joy because I just fucking love their music so much. It’s not even something I can explain, you just have to hear it really. The stand outs for me are, well shit, there’s a lot actually. As well as “Winterbreak” I also really love “So Special”, “Loudspeaker”, “I Know A Place” (which I think of as a queer anthem tbh and it is such an empowering, joyful song) and “Crying on the Bathroom Floor” (which has a pretty morbid subject matter but is I think one of the best songs on the album). Please please check them out and support them if you like what they’re giving. I can’t wait to see what they do next cause I am all aboard the MUNA train for sure.

#6. LANA DEL REY - LUST FOR LIFE

Spotify | iTunes

I thought for sure LFL would make it onto my top 5 but it just scraped it. I think when I first listened to the album I was a little too quick to say that it was Lana’s best album to date. I think I was just so wrapped up in the fact that she was back that the excitement and how much I stan for her had me caught up in the moment. I mean let’s be real, even though I do love all her albums, I think most people are in agreement that Born to Die will always be her best. I did really enjoy this album however, especially Lana’s new happier outlook and the fact that she’s a little more political with her lyrics. Even just looking at the album cover, you can tell that she’s in a much better place in her life My favorite song from the album is without a doubt “13 Beaches”, it’s just so stunning and so quintessentially her. Overall I was just happy to hear that she didn’t stray too far from her sound for this album; she’s still unmistakably Lana.

#5. KESHA - RAINBOW

Spotify | iTunes

The long-awaited comeback that at one point I honestly thought would never come. I remember the #FreeKesha movement and how horribly Kesha was treated in the entire case against that monster Dr. Luke. It made me sick how he literally owned her soul at one point, and I’m glad that now despite the fact that she isn’t fully free of his influence, she was at least able to work without him and produced this magical little album. When the video for “Praying” first dropped, I was in tears. In legit tears, because it was the perfect comeback. Her vocals in that song gave me chills, and even though those of us who are massive fans of her have always been aware of her vocal ability, I feel like Kesha always has to constantly prove to the world that she can sing all because for the longest time she was known as “the autotune girl”. While Animal and Warrior were really good albums in their own right and I have a lot of nostalgic affection towards them, I feel like Rainbow was the album she always WANTED to make, just like Joanne was for Gaga. It gave her a chance to truly showcase her talent, which people often forgot or didn’t even know she had. But the thing I love most about this album is that it comes from a place of triumph. I am so proud of my girl. I hope one day she’ll be free of her disgusting abuser and can truly be happy.

#4. ALLIE X - COLLXTION II

Spotify | iTunes

I hesitate to use the word “perfect” a lot of the time, but Jesus Christ I can’t describe Allie in any other way. Even when I first discovered her via her 2015 EP CollXtion I, I immediately described her music as “pop perfection”. Because that’s literally what she does. She takes everything that sounds good about current pop music and makes it her own. She is such a hit maker and it boggles my mind how underrated she is. I think her song “Sanctuary” from her first EP I would even go as far to say as one of the best pop songs I’ve ever heard in my life. IN MY LIFE. In this particular album, every song is a certified bop. “Casanova” is for sure my number one song from it because that production is so flawless it’s criminal. If you’ve never heard of her and are listening to her songs for the first time, make sure to hide your wigs because I’m telling you; they’ll all disintegrate by the time you’ve gone through her discography. Allie X is the real deal, and she deserves WAY more fame and success than she’s getting.

#3. SZA - CTRL

Spotify | iTunes

Okay, yes, I know that technically this is an R&B album, but it would’ve been criminal for me not to put SZA on the list. She joins Billie and Dua as some of the biggest breakthrough artists of the year. I don’t really know why I fell in love with SZA and this album so much, because it’s normally not the kind of music I go for or am interested in. But for some reason I got lost in her gorgeous voice and the insanely crisp production of the songs that I was just hooked the house down boots. Initially my favorite song was “Prom” because it was probably the most pop-sounding song out of the bunch, but it wasn’t long before I grew to love the entire album as a whole, which I didn’t expect to happen since it’s so out of my comfort zone. SZA has this honest way of writing that really cuts deep at times, for example in “Drew Barrymore” when she says: “I get so lonely, I forget what I’m worth / We get so lonely, we pretend that this works” that shit hit hard. It’s REAL. “20 Something” is another one of those songs that anyone in their twenties could probably relate to due its pure honesty. Ctrl was seriously the surprise hit of the year, and I can’t wait to see what SZA does next. I low-key hope her next two albums will be called Alt and Delete.

#2. LIGHTS - SKIN&EARTH

Spotify | iTunes

I have kind of a special connection with Lights. I first discovered her through her song “Savior” back in like, 2010-ish. I was in eighth grade at the time and it was a very tumultuous period in my life. I was in an Islamic school, I had zero friends and I was still coming to terms with the fact that I didn’t fit in with anyone and I never would. I was in a deep depression, and her debut album The Listening helped me through a lot of that period of time. While most people coped with depression through listening to music that mirrored those feelings, I dealt with it by listening to songs that were happy and upbeat. Lights’ songs at the time were adorable and cheerful, sort of akin to if Owl City had a female vocalist. Ever since then, whenever she would release an album, it always helped me out of slumps, and I became really devoted to her. I was obsessed with her follow up albums Siberia and Little Machines, and now Skin&Earth falls into that category. I adore this album, and it’s one of those albums that I have to listen to from start to finish all the time because I just love it so much as a whole. At this point I know she could never disappoint me, and she’s one of the girls I always look to for catchy pop sounds with beautiful lyrics. I love her dearly, and I implore you to go through her catalog if you’ve just now discovered her. She is a true pop gem.

Before we get to the #1 (which I’m sure is pretty obvious at this point), some honorable mentions, most of which are EPs. I’ve attached each of them with their respective Spotify links in case you wanna have a listen to any of em. In no particular order:

Astrid S - Party’s Over (EP)

Monogem - 100% (EP)

Khalid - American Teen (this one almost made the list)

Superfruit - Future Friends (this one too)

PVRIS - All We Know of Heaven, All We Need of Hell

Terror Jr. - Bop City 2: TerroRising

Terror Jr. - Bop 3: The Girl Who Cried Purple (EP)

Sigrid - Don’t Kill My Vibe (EP)

Daniella Mason - Daniella Mason (EP)

Echosmith - Inside a Dream (EP)

Phoebe Ryan - James (EP)

Charli XCX - Number 1 Angel

Fickle Friends - Glue (EP)

FRND - In Your Dreams (EP)

Paramore - After Laughter (another one that just scraped the list)

Transviolet - Kaleidoscopes (EP)

Zara Larsson - So Good

Lola Marsh - Remember Roses

Thomas Azier - Rouge

Halsey - hopeless fountain kingdom

Ralph - Ralph (EP)

Sabrina Claudio - About Time

Demi Lovato - Tell Me You Love Me

Vera Blue - Perennial

Brother Sundance - Honey (EP)

Fifth Harmony - Fifth Harmony

MØ - When I Was Young (EP)

Stalgia - NOMAD

EMBRZ - Progress (EP)

Aly & AJ - Ten Years (EP)

LP - Lost on You

Mothica - Heavy Heart (EP)

SAKIMA - Ricky (EP)

Ella Vos - Words I Never Said

I highly suggest checking these artists out. Just because they didn’t make the list, doesn’t mean they’re less good; my favorites just sorta overpowered them. Anyways, now that that’s outta the way, onto my not at all surprising number one pick.

#1. LORDE - MELODRAMA

Spotify | iTunes

I told you this was Melodrama. How could I not crown this masterpiece of an album number one? Ever since I first listened to it, I was adamant in saying that it would be THE album of the year and I’ve stuck to that. I strongly believe that it should win the Grammy, and deservedly so, because Lorde really outdid herself with this. I mean, holy fuck. When I first heard Pure Heroine I knew she was a talented writer and that was a great album, but I had no idea she was THIS talented. Melodrama really captured the depth of her ability and also how much she’s grown as both an artist and a person. Pure Heroine was all about teen life and coming of age, it was a very cohesive and uniform album and also a very influential album musically speaking, since Pure Heroine along with LDR’s Born to Die has such a heavy effect on the pop music of today. Melodrama still has some of that Pure Heroine charm but it’s unmistakably more adult, darker and grittier, and maintains the cohesive theme of the rise and fall of a relationship. I don’t know how Ella’s mind works but she writes like a dream. All of these songs are masterfully written, and her and Jack Antonoff make an amazing team. One of the songs in particular, “Supercut”, gives me a very euphoric feeling in a way that it makes me want to dance around while laughing and crying at the same time. It is very reminiscent of my feelings toward Gaga’s song “Gypsy” from ARTPOP. “Liability” is a standout in regards to songwriting also, because a lot of artists like to promote their work as “personal”, but this song and really this entire album is pretty much Ella baring her soul, and that’s as personal as “personal” can get. I’m just really in awe of her talent, and Melodrama deserves to top every “album of the year” list out there. It’s an incredible piece of artistry and I think decades from now it is going to be remembered as a classic.

[fataziraphale]

Okay, but Ryouta and Impostor for the ask meme

YESSSSSSSSSS

(note for a wayward reader: I know I interact with a lot of DR kin communities on here but Im answering these solely as me writing about fictional characters and they way they’re portrayed in canon with some distance between me and them ok)

ryotageneral opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them * | actual love of my life * (maybe somewhere in between this one and the next one? love them.5? what a good character. I am such a fan. a very relatable man)hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang* (def not my type. I’m sure he would objectively look nice though if he wasn’t, you know, literally dying? like he’d be very handsome with such luxury beauty products as Ever Eating Or Sleeping In His Life)hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffhe’s a hard worker and wants to help people, so definitely some hufflepuff tendencies in there, and there’s a LOT of slytherin in him: using the hope video, agreeing to junko’s sketchy ass offer so he can succeed in his ambition. but ultimately, the way he decides to help people is with his brain and his creativity. he doesn’t love people so much as an abstract idea of wanting to help people, and the most important thing to him isn’t them, but his anime. that’s ravenclaw.best quality: from a “I like this character trait when I see it in a character in a show I’m watching” perspective, he has SO MANY of the same mental issues as I do and I find it SO CATHARTIC TO SEE PORTRAYED and useful for coping like. obsession with saving others to the detriment of his own wellbeing, check. doing weird, manipulative things to try to save others even if it’s not really moral, check. intense guilt for something that wasn’t his fault, check. being really fucked up and traumatized after someone told him he should feel guilty for this thing, check. being stressed out and exhausted due to the amount of work he puts on himself, check. we are very similar. I appreciate it a lot. I love characters that are like me, because I’m ultimately obsessed with myself (as is ryota a lil bit). I also love that he’s shy and anxious and awkward but a lil bit of a dick anyway. like you think he doesn’t associate with people because of anxiety, but he honestly just doesn’t like people. it makes me smile. I really love ryota mitarai????worst quality: I have a hard time understanding how he could feel safe with Junko after she destroyed his DVDs. like, I get why he would be like “being sealed away in this sketchy ass place away from all people or sunlight? PERFECT” but… why would he just accept the offer of someone who destroyed his property, things that HE LOVED AND CARED ABOUT, in front of him? he seemed really scared of her, and then just… wasn’t? idk.ship them with: IMPOSTER!!! I also enjoy scenarios where people write imposter/ryota/ibuki stuff. I know some people include mikan in that, but I have a little trouble believing ryota would be totally okay with mikan after what she did to him? like even though she’s not brainwashed anymore, I’d imagine being around her would be kind of triggering for him, like it would take a lot of time for him to feel safe around her again… I also think I saw a fic once that was Ryota/Seiko where they were sharing stories of being emotionally abused and trying to cope together and that was nice.brotp them with: imposter and ibuki in scenarios where it isn’t romantic.needs to stay away from: I’m very uncomfortable when people ship him with Junko. I’ve also seen some Ryota/Naegi, and I don’t think that would be very healthy tbh… Ryota idolizes him so much that I don’t think it could be anything but a really unbalanced relationship, and as kind as he is, I’m not sure Naegi is ready to care for someone with mental issues as intense as Ryota’s.misc. thoughts: im love him? his character arc is definitely my favorite thing about DR3. I just feel like he’s very realistically written and relatable and likable and charming and ,,, I love that Imposter was given a friend I love that his healing is tied up with the idea that “fats and sugars” are good things I love introverted villains I just,,, love

impostergeneral opinion: fall in a hole and die | don’t like them | eh | they’re fine I guess | like them! | love them | actual love of my life (like yeah hes me but before I had this whole internet mod twogami persona for YEARS I was like…. my ideal boyfriend. perfect. the hottest man I have ever seen. I saw a man so beautiful I started crying)hotness level: get away from me | meh | neutral | theoretically hot but not my type | pretty hot | gorgeous! | 10/10 would bang(for reference, im ace and very sex repulsed when it comes to the idea of fucking men. but. yes.)hogwarts house: gryffindor | slytherin | ravenclaw | hufflepuffI appreciate when people sort him into Ravenclaw, and I see where they’re coming from – he’s the type of person who thinks before acting and likes things to be methodically planned. He fights bad situations with logic and organization. But when it comes down to it, Imposter is motivated by doing the right thing. He wants to save his classmates from death. He wants to save Ryota. It doesn’t matter that he has no personal ties to these people when he’s doing it; there is no doubt in his mind that saving them is the right thing to do. He has no trouble jumping rashly into a situation if he’s sure it’s the right thing, either; he pushes Nagito out of the way without a second thought. He’s such a heroic person,,,best quality: I know this stupid and shallow but I literally cannot get over the fact that he is canonically a feedee… I will never be over it. The fact that when Akane suggests there might be something wrong with his weight he is HORRIFIED by the prospect of weight loss and announces, “Do you know how much money I spent sculpting my physique?” like he canonically got this fat on purpose, he loves food with all of his soul, he believes “fats and sugars are the only thing you can believe in”… and then he’s still an incredibly interesting, complex character with a storyline that has nothing to do with that??? I can’t believe it???? I’ve never seen such good fat representation in my life, let alone a feedee being represented, I just ?????????????? the best thing ever???????worst quality: honestly I don’t,,, dislike anything about him rip. I do think the writers maybe shouldn’t have showed us his true appearance, at least not in such an anticlimactic moment? especially bc he never used that look again, like… if they were going to do it, I would think he would be himself on the boat, but he was just Togami again? it didn’t serve that much of a purpose in the story imo. if they were gonna do it, it should have been more intimate and emotional.ship them with: ryota and ibuki !!! either poly or seperately, I’m not fussed. imposter/hajime is also adorable, like I used to be really really into that ship even though I’m not so much anymorebrotp them with: same as above hahaneeds to stay away from: idk??? like imposter isn’t a very social person, but I don’t really think his relationship with any character is super unhealthy or anything. I just want him to be around people who give him love and support,,, the only thing I do note is that back in the day there was some discourse about the translation of some line Ibuki has in SDR2, about whether she’s saying he would make a good boyfriend or that he would make a good boyfriend despite his weight? I don’t see Ibuki as the kind of person who would prefer him slim, but he needs to stay away from anyone who thinks that way, period.misc. thoughts: the greatest best most beautiful character in the world,, also, me. but like… I love that he too has this obsession with saving people that manifests really differently, but is ultimately very similar to Ryota’s? I love that they have parallel arcs that intersect? I love that they support each other? I love that ultimately HE’S THE ONE WHO SAVES THE DAY in DR3? I love the twist of him being an imposter? I love the way he acts as Togami? I love the way he acts as himself? I love the way he’s so food positive always, I love the fact that he thinks everyone else is too thin and never struggles with his own weight, I just… wish he’d gotten more screentime in DR2 because the fact that they killed him immediately 1. made very sad 2. is frustrating bc of wasted potential 3. is kind of fatphobic bc they… killed their two fat characters in one fell swoop right away and then went on to write NO fat characters in dr3 or ndrv3 but… what can u do. im still love him

[help-who-am-i]

Survey Steal

Do you have any friends who are on and off with bfs / gfs all the time? Yes! I can’t keep up. Nothing against it at all, I don’t think anyone should be shamed for it, but I just hope she doesn’t expect me to show much of an interest in her love life. She knows I’ve never been very interested in love since forever, anyways. It’s cool

When was the last time you almost cried out of exhaustion? I don’t tend to cry out of exhaustion, I cry when I feel angry or sad and have no other way of expressing it

What`s a TV show you hate missing? Heartland

Do you think it`s funny how people always say their pet is the best ever? Nah, we all say it and we should all mean it because every animal is the best ever tbh. Animals rock

When did you last brush your teeth? Yesterday morning

What was the last website [besides this one] that you visited? YouTube. I was watching a WIRED interview with Daniel Radcliffe

Do you have a friend who you think you`ll be best friends with forever? Sadly not. I did once, and I miss the ghost of who she used to be so much. Pretty sure we were soulmates

Does it annoy you when you accidentally delete things? It freaks me out more than anything, but I’m pretty crafty when desperate and know that computer engineers are super smart so they wouldn’t just let things get completely and utterly deleted, right? Is it even possible, really? I mean, I managed to retrieve photos and videos I accidentally deleted from a camera... that’s something which I didn’t think was possible

What`s a movie / book / TV show / band / whatever you highly recommend? Movie: The Intouchables (French movie). Book: Gideon the Cutpurse. TV show: The Blacklist. Band: Years & Years. Webtoon: Room of Swords.

When did you last use a dictionary / thesaurus? I used google to find the clinical term for ear wax just yesterday, if that counts?FYI: it’s cerumen.

Are you anticipating or dreading anything? Yes, I’m stuck in a rut at the moment. I’m living at home with my parents and have no proper full-time job. Your typical university graduate. I’m anticipating a response regarding a recent interview

If someone could randomly give you something right now, what would you like? Full coverage of tuition fees for vet school? 

What`s the most annoying thing in the world? Having to rely on unreliable people

When did you last use one of those water slides you put on hills? Never

What are you sitting on right now? Sofa

What skills would you like to learn / develop? Veterinary, web development, athletic, writing, art, scuba diving, aquatic, wildlife and bird husbandry, car mechanics, piano, guitar, video editing, music production

What is something other people say you`re good at but you think you`re not? Communicating with people

What does your bedside lamp look like? Brushed chrome touch lamp with light pink shade - T&W. Can you tell I work as an inventory typist? 

What did you last take a photograph of? A sketch I drew of what was supposed to be Olly from Years & Years but then somehow mostly became Sam Smith? I don’t even know how that happened, I guess my imagination took over

When was the last time you got really frustrated with technology? Yesterday when the report didn’t upload correctly yet again and I needed to correct misspellings the web base had created

What was the last funny thing someone said to you? Well, mum was laughing at some pictures on the internet (probably from Facebook) - the last one she laughed at was of “santa fucking a reindeer”. I didn’t even want to ask... but to put it into better context, I think they were doodles from children and what was probably meant to be an innocent picture drawn by a child was probably easily misinterpreted by our adult dirty minds

Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? Mum and nan

What was the last thing you bought? Flights to the Philippines!

Do you want to move to somewhere else? If so, where? Yes and no? Not for a long while, but I would really like to experience living somewhere else at least once in my life. Preferably Canada or Australia

What time is it where you are? 01:42 What`s your favourite picture of yourself as a child? The one where I’m unintentionally sticking my middle finger up

Do you like your neighbours? Sure, they’re nice

Does your room need cleaning? God yes, I lost an earring under the bed a few days ago and was horrified to see just how much dust has gathered under there. Literally a carpet’s worth. DIGUSTANG

Do you have a good relationship with your family? I’m very grateful and lucky to say that yes, I do have an incredibly good relationship with my (immediate) family. I’m a bit of a black sheep in our wider family though, was awkward and avoidant as an older child and teenager. Still trying to redeem myself to family members I want to have good relations with

What is something people are surprised to hear about you? I don’t know

Do you make judgments about people straight after meeting them? The harsh truth is yes, unfortunately. First impressions are important. Not see all end all, but definitely influence whether or not I particularly want to interact or engage with that person again

What time counts as a lie-in for you? Haha... ha... I don’t even have a stable sleeping pattern

Do you hate any particular groups of people? Abusers - people who treat other beings like dirt, they disgust me. I feel sorry for them because clearly something’s gone wrong in their upbringing or genetic constitution, but I also hate them for doing such horrific things to those who by no means deserve it 

Do you fall up or down stairs usually? Up - much prefer falling up stairs. Falling down gives a proper mini heart attack

Do you constantly break things? [By mistake or otherwise] No

What was the last bug you saw? Ahh, I love insects! Bugs are pretty cool, but I especially love beetles (Coleoptera). Probably a stink bug?

Are there any smells which make you feel nauseous? Bile, blood, dead flesh

What is the scariest thing you`ve ever gone through? Oh god, I daren’t answer this because I consider too many things scary

Do you have anything unusual in your bag? Surgical mask and cap

Can you never think of anything to put for survey tags? No, I can

Are there any people you know in real life that you only talk to online? Yes :( I miss her like crazy, but I also hold a grudge

Do you think people who don`t care about education are dumb? Not dumb, but perhaps don’t understand how valuable and influential it is for change. We would not be anywhere near where we are as a species (the good and the bad) if we had not invested so much in education. We owe a lot to the originals, the inventors, those who were brave enough to stand out as the first to discover and teach

What`s your favourite key on a keyboard? @

Do you always finish what you start? No, I’m so terrible at finishing stories. I’m also a sloppy artist, I tend to like the unfinished looks so I usually focus on the face and hair but leave anything from the neck down in an unfinished/ lineart and shaded state. I rarely bother to add colour

Who`s your favourite character from The Simpsons? Or do you hate that show? Marge

Have you ever had any friends who always tried to steal your things? No

When was the last time you had a complete live revamp? Say what? As opposed to... a dead revamp? What’s that? Sorry, I’m a bit behind with the times

What is something you will never understand? ^ That. Lmao

When did you last laugh hysterically? About 20 mins ago when my dog got up off the sofa to walk behind it but got his Elizabethan collar stuck between the blinds and just created chaos while trying to turn around at 1am... way to keep quiet for those trying to sleep upstairs, doggo. Gotta love him

[sending-the-message]

Silent Witness by Pippinacious

Cassandra’s case came to me in a discreet, padded envelope delivered right to my door. I'd been expecting it for days after I got a call from Detective Smitty requesting my transcription services. A brief note had been included, telling me that Smitty, a ten year old girl, and her court appointed caregiver were present, that it was a child abuse case, and that they needed a copy of my transcription by the end of the week.

Nothing really out of the ordinary when it came to my police files. I'd been freelancing for the local PD and state agencies for so long that they didn't feel it necessary to give me any more guidance or instruction than that.

I plugged in the USB stick containing the interview’s audio recording and opened up my software. It was a little over forty five minutes, fairly short, but unsurprising when a kid was involved, and I positioned my hands over my keyboard and my foot over the pedal that allowed me to start, pause, and rewind the software. I allowed myself a moment, just one, to brace for whatever I was about to hear. Child abuse cases, especially when told directly by the victims, were always the hardest.

It started out the same all the others, with the detective introducing himself, the case number, the date and time, and those present. Smitty had a rock-steady, precise way of speaking that I greatly appreciated while I typed up his words. He asked the caregiver, Matilda Sanchez, to recite her agency’s case number and to state her full name and position for the record. After she had done so, his attention turned to the little girl.

“Can you say your name nice and loud, sweetheart?” He asked. I was always impressed with how quickly he could switch between cop and fatherly figure.

The response that followed was mumbled and intelligible and Smitty asked her to repeat it.

“Cassandra Vitorski,” she said. Her voice was tiny and afraid and I imagined her to look very much like she sounded; nervous and tense and small.

“Did Ms. Matilda tell you why you're here? Ok, you're nodding, that's good, but can you say your answer out loud?”

“Yes,” Cassandra answered just loud enough for the recording to pick up.

It was just about the last thing she said during the entire interview.

Detective Smitty asked her about her daddy and mommy, about her home life, about the bruises that the teachers had noticed, but every one was followed by a long silence. After the first twenty minutes or so, I just started to relax my hands and give my fingers a break during those stretches, but I still listened carefully in case she decided to say anything.

Throughout the recording, I had noticed and tried to ignore an incessant little background hum in those silences, assuming it was just the microphone picking up a fan or something. As the interview went on, however, I was finding it harder to brush it off. It wasn't that it was becoming louder, it was something else, something that it took me a few rewinds to realize.

“Can you tell us about the black eye you had last week? How'd you get that?” Smitty asked for the fifth time.

I cranked up the volume during Cassandra’s silence and pressed my headset down firmly over my ears, straining to listen. That background noise continued, but turned up so high, I could finally begin to make it out.

It wasn't a hum I was hearing. It was someone breathing.

It could have been Cassandra, I guessed, but there was a subtle guttural quality that didn't seem to match up with the rabbit-like voice I'd heard before. This type of breathing didn't sound scared; it sounded riled.

Matilda, then, I told myself, or even Smitty! No doubt they'd be getting frustrated with the lack of answers. But it continued even when either of them were speaking.

“Tell.”

It was just a single word, whispered quickly between breaths and then lost beneath Smitty’s voice, but I jumped when I heard it.

I paused the recording and gave myself a good shake. I was being ridiculous. That wasn't breathing, and if it was, it had to belong to one of the three people in the room. Hell, little Cassandra had bad asthma and always sounded like a chain smoker for all I knew. And “Tell”? I seriously doubted I'd heard that at all. It was just my subconscious urging the poor child to open up.

I rewound the recording a bit, just after the “Tell” would have been, stomped on the play button on my foot pedal, and started typing again. I only had about fifteen minutes left to transcribe and then I could forget about it.

Detective Smitty was as patient as ever, asking his questions and giving Cassandra some time to answer even when it was clear she wouldn't. Matilda tried to help to coax the little girl to talk every so often, but it never worked. All the while, that sound continued in the background, unacknowledged by anyone in the room.

“Is there anything you want to tell us about your parents, Cassandra?” Smitty asked about forty minutes in.

“Tell.”

That word again, whispered and low. And then the sound that I was so sure wasn't breathing became a deep throated growl that almost made me knock my headset off.

“We want to help you,” Matilda said gently over the snarling.

“Bad girl,” a man’s voice shouted suddenly into my ears. “Why are you so stupid?”

“You little bitch!” It was a woman now, screeching angrily.

The voices rose in a whirlwind, back and forth, screaming obscenities and insults so loudly that the interview was almost drowned out completely. Still, the detective carried on with his questions like nothing out of the ordinary was happening.

And then Cassandra started to cry.

“No, no, no!” She shouted.

Immediately, the voices and the growling and the breathing stopped, until the only thing on the recording was the sounds of the detective and the caregiver trying to comfort the little girl. The interview came to a very quick end.

I took my headset off and tossed it on to my keyboard, trying to shake off the chill that had worked its way up my body like a constricting snake. I tried to reason away everything that I'd heard, the microphone could have picked up a fight from another room, the growling was, somehow, from a nearby K9 unit, the breathing really was just one of the three people present, but they all fell flat.

I called the station and asked for Smitty.

“Did you listen to the recording before you sent it?” I asked as casually as I could.

“Our clerk did, he signed off on it, why?”

“He said it was fine?”

“S’far as I know. Everything ok, Elle?”

“Yeah. There was just some...background noise. Hey, do you think I could check out the video of the interview? I want to match up some audio I wasn't sure on.”

“When do you want to come by?”

“Is now ok?”

“I'll let the guys know to expect you.”

I wasn't sure what I was looking for even as I was sitting down in the cramped audiovisual office at the precinct. A confirmation that I wasn't going crazy, perhaps. The video did little to calm that concern. It featured exactly zero weird breathing or inexplicable voices. In it, Cassandra sat at a table between Smitty and Matilda while they questioned her. Her attention, though, was on the small stuffed monkey in her lap.

She was petting it with increasing agitation, her eyes cast downwards and fixed on the monkey. As the interview wore on, I noticed she kept putting a hand over the monkey’s mouth and shaking her head slightly, subtle movements that seemed in line with the rest of her fidgety behavior. The word “Tell” echoed in the back of my mind as I watched her pinch its mouth between her thumb and forefinger.

“That's just confirmation bias or something,” I said aloud in my car on my way home. “I thought I heard stuff on the recording, so I was looking for weird stuff in the video. It was just a kid playing with her stuffed animal. That was it. I'm letting these cases get to me, I just need a fucking vacation.”

I wasn't about to start believing in talking stuffed monkeys and I definitely wasn't going to tell anyone about it.

When I got home, I saved my transcription to the USB stick and immediately mailed it back to Smitty. It was supposed to be the last I heard of Cassandra and her case.

And then I received the request to act as court reporter for the trial of Mr. and Mrs. Stan Vitorski. I would have refused, I wanted to, but freelance work is a fickle mistress and turning down a job when you had availability was unwise at best. My need for a steady income outweighed my desire to avoid a child’s toy.

Cassandra and her monkey were present for the trial, sitting just behind the prosecutors’ table in the gallery. She was waxy and pale and miserable. I did my best to not look at her while I set up my equipment, a little steno machine and earphones that were fed by the microphones placed around the courtroom.

The trial got underway and I was so focused on my work that any trepidation I'd had melted away. The prosecutors, never able to get Cassandra to tell her side, presented a case built entirely on physical evidence. They had photos and medical reports and testimonials from those close to the family. The Vitorskis were painted as short tempered and cold towards their daughters, witnesses said they'd seem Stan drag his daughter roughly around the yard, that they'd frequently heard yelling and that Cassandra always seemed to have fresh bruises that she tried to cover up.

One neighbor even said they'd heard Camila, Cassandra’s mom, threaten to kill her.

It seemed like an easy case right up until the defense team took over. The Vitorskis were a wealthy couple and they'd spared no expense in hiring some of the slimiest attorneys I'd ever seen. They were tenacious bulldogs, tearing apart witnesses and attacking credibility. Cassandra wasn't a victim; she was a strong willed child who refused to listen and was constantly getting into trouble. She loved nothing more than pushing her parents’ buttons and would go so far as to hurt herself to garner outside sympathy.

My skin actually started to crawl when her dad to the stand in his own defense and dabbed dramatically at the corner of his eye with a tissue. Just looking at him, I doubted he even knew how to cry.

“She's my little girl, of course I love her,” his voice filled my earphones and my fingers stopped working for a second. I knew that voice, I recognized it! It was the man’s voice I'd heard shouting over the recording.

“Liar.”

I knew that voice too, whispered and quiet as it was. No one else seemed to have heard it. No one except for the little girl in the front row, who was shaking her head and looking down at the stuffed monkey in her lap.

He continued on about Cassandra’s misdeeds that led to them having to discipline her, and after each new excuse, I'd hear it again.

“Liar.”

Unlike on the recording, where it had sounded urgent and agitated, the voice now sounded angry, and it was only getting louder.

“Liar!”

I tried to keep up with Mr. Vitorski, I tried not to let that inexplicable growl distract me, but it was getting harder every moment. Mr. Vitorski would speak, and it would scream, “Liar!”, but nobody other than me or Cassandra reacted, nobody heard it!

“I don't know why she does these things to herself,” Mr. Vitorski was saying, but be was drowned out until my earphones crackled with sharp feedback.

“Liar Liar LIAR!”

I gasped despite myself and tore them off. The court had gone quiet around me and it felt as if every pair of eyes were on me. The judge was looking down from the bench, one brow raised, and I smiled weakly in apology.

“Sorry, your honor,” I said, “technical difficulties.”

In the brief recess that followed, I saw Cassandra slip out of the courtroom with Matilda. She'd left the monkey sitting in her place.

I left one of my ears uncovered when the trial resumed. Mr. Vitorski finished up his testimony rather quickly and it was obvious that serious doubt had been sewn in the jury, putting Cassandra’s case at risk of being thrown out.

The whole time that accusing, vicious voice was silent. Maybe it hadn't been the monkey at all, I thought while the defense prepared for their next witness, maybe it had been Cassandra herself. Both options seemed equally ludicrous and I wondered how could I be sitting in a courtroom, thinking about such fanciful nonsense.

Children and stuffed animals didn't project phantom voices. I was a rational, logical adult; I knew better than that.

Then why was I hearing the word “Die” being whispered, over and over, into the ear covered by my earphone?

The defense attorney had stopped talking mid sentence.

“Die, die, die,” the voice continued to whisper, low and steady.

The defense attorney turned and walked back to the table where the Vitorskis and the rest of the defense team were seated. The judge asked what he was doing.

“Just a moment, your honor,” the attorney said.

“Die, die, die,” the voice in my earphone didn't rise in volume, didn't sound gleeful or angry. It only sounded determined.

The defense attorney plucked a pen from the breast pocket of his suit jacket. He uncapped the tip and let the cap fall to the floor.

“Die, die, die!”

Before anyone realized what he was doing, the attorney had leapt upon Mr. Vitorski, knocking both of them to the floor. His arm rose and fell, plunging the pen into his client’s throat over and over again until his hand was dripping red. Security were charging across the room, trying to get to him, Mrs. Vitorski was screaming and flailing, every one was out of their seats and running for the door.

“Die, die, die!”

The second defense attorney seated beside Mrs. Vitorski took her by the arm and she turned to him. She was still screaming when he drove his own pen into her eye.

Chaos had broken out all around me. The judge was trying and failing to restore some semblance of order while the bailiffs pinned the two, very confused looking attorneys to the ground. Blood was pooling beneath them.

The Vitorskis were silent now, both very still except for the occasional twitch of a limb.

Through it all, my gaze was drawn back to the little stuffed monkey sitting alone and upright in a chair and I would swear that his black button eyes were fixed on me.

“Safe now,” the voice whispered through my earphone.

I doubt I'll hear such a note of satisfaction ever again.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #382

“’cuz if i stand up, i’ll break my bones, and everybody loves to see a fall unfold”

Ever had a friend online for a long time without seeing a photo of them? Well yeah. Most of my friends are online, and while I've seen pictures of most at least once or twice, some I still haven't. The last time you threw up, what caused it? It was a side effect of a mood stabilizer I started. Any foods from other countries you would like to try but haven’t yet? I'm sure there's something, idk. Do you think the world would be more peaceful without any religion? Yes. Have you ever had a stalker? No. Does it hurt your feelings when people talk shit about things you love? It makes me self-conscious way more than anything. I start to obsess over whether or not the person things poorly or weirdly of me for liking what I like. I just feel judged for liking it, but that's my problem. Do you like it when people give you nicknames? I do, actually. It feels kinda affectionate to me. Do you often find yourself checking out people’s butts? Haha I'm not gonna say it's never happened, but it's not something I make a habit out of for sure. What fandoms are you in? MEERKAT MANOR IS BACK BAYBEEEE, Markiplier, Silent Hill, Shadow of the Colossus, World of Warcraft, Spyro, Wings of Fire, and lots more, honestly. I'm into a lot of stuff, and I don't love in moderation, haha. Are there any fandoms you used to be in, but left? Yeah, like Supernatural, Good Mythical Morning, or Warriors, but it wasn't out of "I don't like it anymore" or anything, I just drifted away. Anything the fans in your fandoms do that pisses you off? World of Warcraft if particular has one of the most toxic fucking fanbases. There are so many goddamn elitists and people who whine about "boohoo WoW is dying" and "omg this game has been trash since Wrath" and yada yada yada and it's annoying as hell. They always find some shit to complain about. Then Silent Hill... ugh. I think people just hop onto the "the series sux after 1-4" bandwagon to fit in with a certain crowd, but that's not the main thing that annoys me; rather, it's the fact the former main admin of the SH wiki made a fucking joke out of us there. He was clearly having personal issues and made a HUGE and utterly ridiculous deal of Silent Hill 4 having heavy symbolism to the main character being obsessed with the bullshit idea of him being circumcised, and it led to a maaaassive thread of us members trying to talk some damn sense into him as he abused his power. He was finally banned by the Wikia staff, but not in time for some gaming websites to publish "news" stories about it because it was just that ludicrous. Now, YEARS later, we still get trolls coming onto the site to try and revive the drama by inserting absolute rubbish into pages or making new ones. Nowadays I'm the main administrator there, and it's fucking embarrassing sometimes. I'm supposed to keep the wiki under control and respected, you know? Ugh, I'll stop. I could rant for a very long time about this. Do you prefer ruffly or regular potato chips? Ruffly. Do you write down your own recipes, or just commit them to memory? I don’t cook. What color do you want to dye your hair? My top three are pastel pink, lilac, and a light creamsicle orange. I REALLY want to dye it SOMETHING. :( How do you like your chicken? Of course breaded (like nuggets, tenders) is my favorite, but I also enjoy is broiled and seasoned well. There's other ways, but because I don't cook, I, uh... don't know how a lot are made lmao. Do you enjoy cheese fries? UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH YES. Do you eat refried beans? I absolutely hate beans, so no. What is a food you enjoy, but don’t have very often? A whole lot because a lot of it is from restaurants and we don't eat out all that much. As well, my diet is very narrow just because of how picky I am. Marilyn Monroe or Audrey Hepburn? Why? I mean, what are we comparing them for? I think Audrey is fucking gorgeous, though. Marilyn is also beautiful. Favorite fictional world? Uh, I dunno. Do you use lint rollers often? No. Do you carry pepper spray? No, but I want to. Has your power ever gone out for more than a day? I think so. Other than a dislike button, what’s something you wish Facebook had? Hm, I dunno. What time do your parents normally get home from work? Mom can't work right now, but I think Dad gets off around 5PM. Are you afraid to ask people out on dates? Yep. Do you think it’s better to look for love or let it find you? Both can work, but I definitely prefer to let it find me. I feel that *in general* that usually has better results. Have you ever found yourself worrying about commitment? No. I'm a very committed person romantically. Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? No. Have you ever had a rash from poison ivy? I don't believe so, no. Do you have any chairs in your bedroom? No. Did you watch Elmo as a child? Some, yeah. Do you know anyone who doesn’t eat meat? I don't think so, off the top of my head. When you throw up, do you cry? No, but I'm a whiner and will also shake from fear because I have such a phobia of vomiting. Doing it totally turns me into a baby. Who was the last person to carry you? I couldn't tell you the last person to full-on carry me, but back when I tore a ligament in my foot, my mom kinda had me lifted when she would help me walk. Is it easy for you to accept loss? Absolutely not. I handle it very, very poorly. Have you done anything sneaky lately? No. Have you ever had a rolling back pack? Yes. Who knows you better than anyone else? My mom, probably. Would you ever want to go to Brazil? Sure, if the opportunity came up. Are there any medical conditions that run in your family? A lot, mostly heart problems. What band has the best guitar solos? Metallica imo. Who is the biggest jerk you've ever met? She was somehow my former best friend. Have you ever swerved off the road to avoid hitting an animal? I've never been in that situation, thankfully. What's a charity you would never donate to? I'm really not familiar enough with charities and their practices to know which ones are sketch or not. Have you ever grown your own herbs? No. Do you have any exes you'd consider dating again? Yes. What were some of your favorite classes you took in high school? Art and German. Mythology was fun, too. Do you know anyone with a profession in law? Yeah, I have a cousin that's a lawyer. Have you ever Googled yourself? Yeah, outta curiosity. What's the shortest amount of time you've had between relationships? Like, two days. Part of the reason I left Girt was because I liked Sara. As a child, what comfort foods did your parents make for you when you were sick with a cold or flu? Chicken noodle soup. What's a movie series where the sequel was better than the original? Ha, for some reason Inspector Gadget came to mind. I guess from mentioning my childhood. I was FUCKING OBSESSED with that movie as a kid. The first one's fine, but I love the second one. Does your car have heated seats? Mom's doesn't. What is the strangest pizza topping you've ever eaten? Nothing strange, really. Describe your hometown. What’s it like there? Small and dangerous. Lots of run-down areas. A gang nearly broke into our house once, if that helps you get the picture. What was the last video game you beat? I replayed Silent Hill 2 forever ago. What did you learn from your last failed relationship? It really just taught me that you need to take care of your own mental health before you can effectively handle another's properly and strike a healthy balance. What country does your favorite band hail from? Britain. What’s something on your to-do list that never actually gets done? Finish decorating my room. -_- Have you ever been really passionate about something but then lost interest? If so, what was it? Good Mythical Morning, I suppose. I used to be OB-SESSED. I still adore Rhett and Link as people, they are fucking wonderful human beings and excellent entertainers, I just drifted away from their content. I don't really know why. Do you sleep with the TV or the radio on? No. What’s the worst thing about being male/female (whichever you are)? Menstrual cycles, I'd say. It affects your mood so much, and as someone who's bipolar, it can be very confusing. I like to know why I'm feeling a certain way. What movie has the best special effects? /shrug How many work hours per week is too much for you? I wouldn't know, I've never really worked long enough to figure this out. Can you remember your first day of school? I think I have the faintest memory of it. I know I was very scared to leave my mom (I had absolutely awful separation anxiety from her) and I MIGHT have cried, but I don't really recall with certainty. Have you ever entered a modelling competition? Would you? No thanks. Did you keep any drawings/stories from when you were younger? Most, no, because the level of cringe is LITERALLY unbearable for me. Do you have a safe? Mom does somewhere. What’s the scariest thing to happen to you so far? The breakup. That night was just fucking terrifying. I was so certain my life was over, like the situation was so, so impossible in my head. What was your last dream about? (or your daydream if you don’t remember) My memory's faint, but I just remember I had a nightmare where a LOT of my bones were totally snapped in half. When was the last time you saw a relative? Excluding my immediate family, I last saw my now-departed grandmother and my uncle a while back at a hotel as they were passing through. Have you ever been in a TV audience? No. Are you in any way close to reaching a personal goal? Not really... Do you prefer crosswords or word searches? Word searches. Do you like making collages? Not really. Do you remember any inside jokes from childhood? No. What would you love to learn to do? Digital art, like drawing on a tablet. Do you prefer monkeys or lemurs? Lemurs. Do you watch movies based on the actors or the movie plot? The plot, 100%. Are you more shy in real life or on the internet? I am WAY more shy irl.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #154

“the wind is screaming, it’s screaming your name; it sounds like fear.”

What is your opinion on sex without emotional commitment?  nononononoNONONONO. Last time you puked from drinking?  Never. What books, if any, have made you cry?  Johnny Got His Gun, Old Yeller, The Outsiders (I think; I know the movie did), The Notebook, uhhh others, I'm sure. Does it get annoying when somebody says they’ll call you, but doesn’t?  It depends on the person, but honestly, almost never.  I hate talking on the phone. What is your favorite simple ice-cream flavor?  Usually vanilla, but sometimes I'm all about chocolate, especially if I can't put chocolate syrup on it. When was the last time you slept on the floor?  Jeez, probably when me and Jason did at my house.  I've slept on an inflatable mattress since, but I'm guessing you mean literally on the floor with blankets and such. If you could eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?  I dunno.  I doubt it really, but don't potatoes have all the nutrients you actually need to survive?  If so, then probably that, but otherwise, uh.  I dunno, I'd get tired of things or die 'cuz I'm not getting what I need. I could say shakes, but I consider those drinks. Have you ever given someone oral sex?  Yeah, fucking hated it.  I'm bi, yes, but visually, penises are disgusting to me.  I don't want it in my mouth.  I only ever really did it to make him happy.  I'm open to trying it with a girl, but who knows if I'd like it. What's your favorite lyric from the last song you listened to?  "Hey, hey, NRA, how many kids did you kill today?" ("Shelter In Place" by Otep) Are you friends with someone that has a baby?  My best friend does. How many different towns/cities have you lived in?  Three. Have you ever had a kinky dream about a celebrity?  No. How many pets do you have? Would you like any more?  Six, and I kinda want another snake to breed with Venus when she's big enough.  I want to keep at least one of the babies to help with Sara's snake breeding passion. Is there a song you can’t stop listening to atm?  Oh yeesh, yeah.  I've fallen in love with Powerwolf recently and thus play a number of their songs repeatedly. How many bedrooms does your home have?  Two. How many times do you use a bath towel before washing it?  Once.  Annoys the hell out of Mom but like, I feel like there may be leftover germs I'm getting off + maybe dead skin 'cuz my skin in dry as fuck??? What time do you usually eat dinner?  This can vary from 6:00 to like almost 9:00.  I can't cook and Mom works late, so.  I'll make my own microwavable things if I can't wait for her to make something. Do you know any narcissists?  Jason????? Dillon????? dat u???????? Have you ever been falsely accused of something serious?  I don't believe so? In which were you happiest: elementary, middle, or high school?  Elementary. What was your favorite thing to do as a little kid?  Video games. You can bring back one dead pet to life. Which one?  Cali, for Mom.  She misses her so much. Rock, paper, or scissors?  I think I usually do scissors. Who was the last person to ask you out? Girt. What are your favorite pajamas you have? My purple, black, and white Jack Skellington ones ahhh What’s your least favorite ice-cream flavor?  Strawberry is disgusting. Do you prefer it when it gets darker earlier?  NOOOOO.  This is totally inverted from how it used to be, but I'm more likely to feel down when it's dark. Are there a lot of cookbooks in your house, or just a few? Or maybe none at all?  Mom has tons she never uses. Who are your godparents?  I don't think I have any. Can you touch​ your nose with your tongue?​​  No. What brand is your toothpaste?  Crest. Are you currently broken out?  No. What was the last hotel you stayed at? I dunno. Do you have a favorite NASCAR driver?  No. Eyeliner. Yes or no?  If I wear makeup, that's the bare minimum. What’s the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make?  Let Jason go or continue to let what we had ruin my life. Where is the last beach you went to?  Myrtle Beach, NC. Have you ever been rock climbing?  Nah, not interested. Have you ever played Gamecube?  No. What has been the biggest event for you to overcome?  Recovery.  It changed me for the better so much. Do you have a favorite pet?  No one can beat Teddy.  I doubt any pet ever will. When someone drops something do you immediately go and pick it up for them?  If I’m close, unless they're already reaching for it, yes. Could you call your best friend right now and tell them your biggest secret, and trust them to keep it?  HAHAHAHA NO tbh.  I love her, but she tells people everything. Have you ever played Wii Fit?  Yup.  Everyday one summer, lost 40 pounds, got in great shape. Have you ever touched a caterpillar?  Yeah, loved picking up the ordinary ones as a kid. Is there a YouTube channel whose videos you always watch?  I will watch literally any video Mark makes. How often do you feel lonely?  This is like.  Almost a daily struggle. Do you struggle with depression?  I'm diagnosed with it, but it's well-controlled now! While in a relationship, do you ever think about its possible end?  I worry about it BADLY.  Even in my current one where I feel completely secure, I have some spans of "what if" anxiety. What is the worst treatment you’ve had to put up with from someone else?  Ummmm.  I dunno. What’s the longest you’ve gone without eating?  24 hours, probs. Do you like watching music videos?  No.  I just care about the music. Which, if any, drug have you ever abused?  None. Do you know your mail (wo)man?  No. Honestly, are you often high-maintenance/hard to please?  No. Are there any flags flying outside at your home?  No. Will you vote in the next presidential election?  If the remaining candidates don't fucking suck, yes. Tell me about someone that you know dislikes you. What do you think is about you they don’t like?  The one person I know doesn't is my best friend's mom, but I can't tell you exactly why.  There's no telling what Colleen told her after our fight, but.  Colleen has told me her mom thinks I could "hurt" her son somehow.  I was fucking livid.  I adore that boy and would do anything to protect him.  Oh yeah, know she mentioned I was a bad influence, too.  But hey, the hate is mutual, I've never been able to stand her. Tell me about something you’re afraid of. Why does it frighten you?  Getting heartbroken again.  Last time tore me the fuck apart, I seriously don't know if I could do it again.  Worst pain I have ever experienced. Is there someone you could hang out with all the time, without ever getting bored of them?  Sara <3 Have you ever liked someone else when you already had a boyfriend/girlfriend? What happened?  Yup, first high school crush Sebastian.  And nothing really happened; he was taken (though I'm pretty sure he had at least mild feelings for me too), though it was at a complicated point.  Then I met Jason. What mountain ranges have you seen?  The Appalachians. Where would you most like to go in your state, etc that you haven’t been?  THERE'S AN ABANDONED WIZARD OF OZ-THEMED PARK IN THE WEST AND I WANNA VISIT. Have you ever seen or touched an iceberg?  No. Where was the most remote location you’ve ever been to? I dunno. What is your most unhealthy habit? Not exercising? Has your house ever been damaged in a storm? A tree fell on our old house during a hurricane.  It didn't cause severe damage or anything, though. What’s the least amount you’ve weighed since reaching your full height? ~118.  Hilarious. Do you think it’s cruel to keep an animal in a cage while you’re away?  Depends on the size of the cage and how long they're staying in there. Are you scared of reptiles?  Not at all. Does death scare you?  Not that much. Do you use a comb or brush?  Comb now that my hair's short. When you were younger, did you ever do that exclamation point that looked like an upside down triangle and had a really big dot?  No. What kind of relationship do you have with the last person you kissed?  She's my girlfriend. Are there things in your life that you’ll never be able to get over?  If I could get over my breakup, I can get over anything. Have you ever turned to smoking or drinking to solve a problem?  New Years of 2017 I actually did try to get drunk for that purpose. Would you mind dating someone significantly shorter than you?  No. What’s on your bedside table? Yeesh, a lot.  A fan, a basket with all my meds in it, sketchbook, notebook, my folder full of things from Holly Hill as well as my therapy homework folder.  There's other miscellaneous stuff too. How much money would it take to get you to give up the Internet for one year?  This is pathetic, but probably like... no amount.  My life sadly revolves around it, just about. What are some things on your holiday wishlist?  Always tattoo money lmao.  But I'd really love a drawing tablet, but a decent quality one.  Can't have both. Who accompanied you to your first concert?  Jason, Mom, and Nicole. What’s the temperature outside?  Phone says 79.  Gonna get to 90, though. Have you ever been in detention?  Yes, too many tardies getting to school. Do you wear black to look skinnier?  Not for that reason, but it's a plus lol. Do you have scars on your wrists?  You can barely see them, but they're there. How about anywhere else?  Yeah, quite a few. Do you post things on Facebook that are personal?  No. Has the last person you kissed ever taken their shirt off in front of you?  Just to change it. Would you ever get in the passenger seat of a car with someone who’s been drinking?  Fuck that. What is a topic you definitely don’t want to talk about with anyone?  How I'm 99% sure I lost my virginity. What is the craziest hairstyle and color you’ve had?  Style, probably what I had before this where I had short hair on most of my left side and it faded to long.  Color, purple. What was your first gaming console?  Original PlayStation. Which fictional villain is your favorite?  Um obviously Darkiplier???????? What’s the last thing you’ve made with your hands?  Hm.  Dunno. Which hair color would you never want to have?  Yellow. Who’s the last person you talked to about sex?  Sara. What is the wallpaper on your phone?  My lock screen is a heavy reminder that I am still straight as fuck for Mark, home screen is my favorite pic of me and Sara. What was the last thing you wrote down?  Stuff at the tattoo/piercing parlor to get my tongue done. What is your least favorite color?  Puke green or olive. What’s the most boring sport to watch?  Golf.  Sara, don't tell your dad I said that.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #473

“please don’t make any sudden moves  /  you don’t know the half of the abuse”

Who are the 3 people you love the most? My mom, Sara, and Girt. Last person you slept in the same bed with? Sara. When is the last time you took a picture of yourself? It's been quite a long time. When was your first kiss? March of 2012. Have you recently been sick? No. Don't jinx it, especially these days. What song are you listening to? A slowed down version of "Heathens" by twenty one pilots. I REALLY like it. Do you drink soda often? Every day. :x Would you ever move somewhere like Hawaii? NOOOOOOO. I would NEVER survive living in the tropics. Have you ever had to call 911? Why? Twice for my mom. Once we thought she was having a heart attack, and the second time she had such bad abdominal pain that she was almost entirely immobilized. It was that day we found out about the cancer. Do you get out a lot? God no. Name 3 things you really like about yourself (not physical). I have a lot of empathy, I love and care a lot about animals, and I care a lot about what other people feel and always wanna make people feel better. Name 3 things you hate about yourself (not physical). My anxiety is #1, then there's how lazy I can be, and how I jump to conclusions. Would you ever consider having an abortion? If I was raped, it was ectopic (that barely even counts as one, though...), or it greatly endangered my life, yes. In which state/country were you born? North Carolina, U.S.A. Have you ever had to be put on medicine for a mental disorder? Yeah, quite a lot... I've gone through probably around three dozen different psych meds since middle school. White chocolate or milk chocolate? Milk. I can eat white chocolate in small doses, but it's generally too sweet for me. Have you ever been to an amusement park out of state? Yeah, Disney World in Florida. Would you consider yourself a crafty person? No. I'm much better at putting stuff on paper than creating stuff with my hands. What would you say is your favorite color of all time? Baby pink! Have you ever been responsible for someone’s death? Y E E S H no. Do you ever spend the night with your significant other? Not yet. We're still iffy about sleeping in the same spot though because of my sleep apnea nightmares. My new mask seems to be working great, though; I haven't had a nightmare in like a week (and keep in mind they're usually every single night), I'm just WAY too scared to lash out at him in my sleep. I need a longer period of proof it's functioning well. Do you know a lot about serial killers? No. Have the police ever been looking for you? Yes, actually. One time when my sisters, a friend, and I were at the beach, we went walking by the shore at night, after we thought we told our parents we were going. Apparently, we didn't, or they didn't hear us, because my mom was an absolute collapsing wreck and called the police to search for us. We got back to the hotel so confused, and I'll never forget how Mom was crying. Where do you get most of your accessories from? I wanna say Hot Topic? Do you cuss more than anyone else you know? Yes, actually. Have there ever been any serial killers around your hometown? Idk. Did your parents live in a different country before you were born? No. What’s something you’ve experienced that very few others have? I'd say going to a psych hospital five or six times isn't exactly common. I am so fucking glad those days are over. Do you know anyone who’s related to a current or former world leader? Not to my knowledge, no. Do you do your own taxes, or do you hire a professional? I don't have taxes. Do you have a home security system? No, but damn do I want one. What’s something you don’t think people take seriously enough? Our environmental crises, like global warming, deforestation, fossil fuels... basically just anything that involves us murdering the environment. People just don't fucking care because it's not "personal" enough, I guess. Or a fast-acting downfall. It's slow, insidious, and because of that, people think it's no biggie because it won't affect them in their lifetime and shit like that. Have you ever gotten sick from someone else’s cooking? Yes. My stomach is very, very sensitive to food it hasn't had before, especially if it's a complex recipe with lots of ingredients. What was the last kind of cheese you ate? American, on a turkey sandwich I made the other day. Have you ever abused any substance? Just Pepto Bismol. When I was in middle school, I was absolutely convinced every single day that I was going to throw up (no, I didn't actually feel sick every day; it was anxiety and just concocted in my head), so I would go to the bathroom at some point every day in school to take a pill. The habit only stopped when we ran out one day and Mom didn't get a new bottle immediately. I had to face the school day without it and, obviously, was just fine. What was the last fun thing you did? Caught up on some Tarantula Collective videos, probs. Have you ever dated someone who had a child from a previous relationship? No. Is there any drama currently going on with your family? Nah. What was the last fruit or vegetable you chopped/sliced up? An apple. When you take a nap, do you nap in bed or on the couch? In my bed. Have you ever been called a whore? No. Pretty far from one. What kind of phone do you have? It's a Tracfone. I'm ready to get a new, better one. Do you like hot chocolate? Love itttt. Do you know anyone with an STD? Yes. Are you afraid of deep water? Not as much as most people, it seems. Do you get dizzy easily? I naturally have alarmingly low blood pressure, only made worse by medication, so trust me, I sure as hell do. Have you ever been thrown up on? LKAJSDLKFJAKLWJEKLWJERLK NO Have you ever thrown up on someone? Maybe as a baby? How many times have you thrown up from being so drunk? Zero. Does the sound of fireworks scare you? No, not if I know it's coming. Otherwise I'll probably jump a bit, fearing it being a gunshot. What’s your favorite firework? I don't know how to identify fireworks, ha ha. But generally just the really big, colorful ones. Have you ever been beat up? No. Have you ever seen a jellyfish? Only in aquariums. Do you cry when you get angry? Yes. I cry to cope with a ton of emotions. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Plan on it. What do you think people really think about you? That I'm an awkward, reclusive, leeching lowlife without goals I'll actually chase. God, that's painful to think about, what people see from the outside. What’s your favorite part about Thanksgiving? Nothing. I don't like Thanksgiving. I have to spend it every single year with horribly conservative, bigoted fucks. I hate Thanksgiving food, too. How many best friends do you have? One. What kind of car is your favorite? I don't know. Sleek, elegant ones. Do you prefer pens or pencils? Pencils. When did you go to sleep last night? Not 'til like... around 4 in the morning. Do you know anyone who’s had a stillbirth? I'm sure I do. I know MANY people who have had miscarriages. Are there any redheads in your family? I don't believe so, no. Which YouTuber do you feel like you relate to the most? Ummm maybe Morgan Adams, except I'm not funny lmao. What theme do you want for your wedding? Gothic. What theme would you choose for a baby’s nursery? Purely hypothetically, I'd probably choose pastel colors and baby animals for a daughter, and then little cute dinosaurs for a boy. Does your first crush know that he/she was your first crush? No. Do you know your first crush’s middle name? No. Who do you wish you could go on another date with? I'm happy only going on dates with my current boyfriend. Which family member did you get your height from? My mom. We're pretty much the same. Do you feel stupid regularly? ALWAYS. What style of wedding dress do you want? Most likely a ball gown one with a sweetheart top. Definitely subject to change, though; I honestly just love wedding dresses and would want to actually see how I look in varying styles, except mermaid. Mermaid gowns look AWFUL on 99% of people imo. Who was the last friend of yours to have a baby, and what’s the baby’s name? My high school band friend Marcus, his wife had their first baby just the other day. I'm blanking on her name right now. Who is the cutest baby you’ve seen on social media recently? Bindi Irwin's daughter Grace is like illegally cute. What is your opinion on Arby’s? I hate that shit. What is your favorite doughnut? Just an original glazed from Krispy Kreme fuckin does it for me man. But I just love donuts in general. Do you have a hot tub? If so, where is it located? We poor, hunny. What is your favorite party game? I don't really have one, given I don't exactly go to parties. Do you or your parents rake your yard? It doesn't need to be raked. My dad used to occasionally when my parents were still together. Have you won anything recently? No. How often do you make Excel tables? What for? Never. What was the last baby animal you saw in the wild? Umm I want to say I saw a young squirrel dash out of the road semi-recently? Do you like drag queens? If so, got any favourites? Drag queens are, well, fucking queens. I love them. Trixie Mattel is high on the list. How about drag kings? You know... somehow it never struck me that this term existed???? I'm dumb. But anyway, I think it's still awesome. I don't know any (I think?) though. Would it bother you, if your partner had cut contact with their parents? If he had good reason to, it wouldn't bother me. His father is no longer living, but I could not even imagine him cutting contact with his mother since he helps the woman so much and cares a shitload for her. As someone who relates to what I know of her and what she's gone through, I'd definitely be concerned if he cut ties with her. It'd almost feel like an insult to me, too, if that makes sense? Like I'd be scared I was next. Have you ever wondered whether you were adopted? As a kid, yes. I sometimes thought my mom didn't love me as much as my sisters, so I had an episode where I wondered. Have you ever grown a berry bush? No.