#you cant get more flaming queer than that

[s0fter-sin]

idk what it is about x-men ‘97 but something about the animation style reminds me of archer. like the style is highly detailed but doesn’t match the skeleton underneath? like the model is moving less than the animation suggests

[fatmaclover]

got straight up sick thinking about mac and joyce coming out to the rest of their family. cw for any homophobia or transphobia mentioned

you can imagine mac desperately sitting his mom down, trying so hard to get her attention for just a moment, just a second, to tell her about something really important to him. you can imagine him getting progressively more and more stressed the more his mom just wont listen.

his extended family would definitely be easier on account of them all being flaming homosexual men but theyd all for sure do the "i was waiting for when youd finally realize!" spiel and that would actually make mac end it right there i think. theres a certain type of anxiety in telling people who think youre already queer that you are in fact queer. you could be queer in the wrong way to them, they could be disappointed by your identity, they can get too into helping you figure yourself out, and i cant imagine how insecure constant "egg" jokes would make me about my identity. all this to say i think mac coming out to his queer family would be harder on him than trying to come out to his mom

and then. joyce. god bonnie makes me wanna do awful things to the point where i can see joyce just never telling her and she never asks questions. maam your "son" named "charlie" has noticeable breasts are you really gonna see no evil it?

its hard to figure out what bonnies actual reaction to joyce being trans would be. i think theres like. 3 ways it could go. 1) bonnie blames herself for whatever reason. for joyce being trans period, for joyce not figuring it out sooner, for not being able to help, just generally feeling guilt iver the fact that her daughter is a woman. 2) she tries to pretend its fine surface level but theres clearly a different way she sees joyce now. theres a lot more tension there than before. its never acknowledged or brought up. they both hope if they just ignore it it wont boil over into something they have to deal with. 3) is the worst option. theres always the classic "but i gave you so much" but i think thatd be a more internalized thing for bonnie. not something she actively expresses to joyce, because shes supposed to be a good mother. but i dont doubt those feelings would be there. for some reason a lot of parents let repressed resentment towards their children bubble up inside them

realistically though i dont think joyce WOULD tell her mom. it feels like a show bit or sketch for joyce to have to explain to mac that he has to deadname and misgender her when they go to her moms house and mac to be totally lost for most of it.

if anything she would only come out to her mom for convenience so she doesnt have to make sure mac wont gender her properly accidentally and start a whole thing. but thatd still be such a hassle

[nerdnonymous-plus-ttrpgs]

ACOFAF EP6 LIVE REACTION

I have been adulting all week (and its been TORTURE) but I AM HERE, I AM QUEER, AND IM READY FOR SOME OF THAT SWEET SWEEEET REGENCY DRAMA

OMG BINX NEW INTRO

MADE THE HEARTBREAKING CHOICE TO PURSUE DUTY OVER HIS HEART??

HAND TOUCH

OH MY GOD WE DOING RUMORS

OSCAR TARGETING GRABALBA HOLY SHT

SHINNNYYYY

LETS GO BIRD FACTS

RUE IN LOVE WITH GRABALBA RUMOR??

"HOW ARE YOU EVER GONNA??" MY QUESTION EXACTLY

BRENNAN BUILDING EVEN MORE TENSION ALREADY

CAN I JUST SAY, BRENNAN IS LOOKING HANDSOOOOME IN THIS EPISODE 🤭👀

WE GET EPISTOLARY TOO 😭

BARONESS ALVEN??

SQUAK HOLY SHT

HUMBLE SERVANT'ED

BECAUSE HE IS LOWBORN?????

SIR, WE USE GOODREADS/STORYGRAPH NOT LETTERBOXD

THE CONTRAST BETWEEN HOB'S MANNER OF SPEAKING VERSUS BINX THO HAHAHA

ILY LADY FEATHERFOWL

THE GREEN HUNTER BY AIRRY PERRY PFFT

GRANDPA IS HERE??

HOLY FUCK

COMING AT THE CLIMAX BYE

GOD THIS IS SUCH A FUN EPISODE

SHOPPING AROUND????

SHE'S FUCKING MARRIED????

THE WHOLE TABLE FUCKING EXPLODED

SHE HAS A CHILD?????

RUE'S REACTION TO BINX SAYING THAT THEY HAVS A MEETING WITH HOB IM DEAD

TWIN FLAME???

CORE 4 INVESTIGATION TEAM LETS GO!

SWEATY

HOTTER, FIERER THAN JUST A FLAME????

GOD I LOVE THIS CONVERSATION

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE BRENNAN'S REACTION TO ALL OF THIS PLS

HOTTEST OUTFIT LETS GO

ANDHERAAAAAA

BEARD JWHWKWHEJE

AWWW HOB

OMG RUE BACKSTORY

RUE AND HOB MEETING *FAINTS*

OH THEY LOOK HOT

CAUGHT HIS BREATH???

HOB'S SURFACE THOUGHTS 🥺

RUE AND HOB ARE SO CUTE

HOB'S BEAUTIFUL EYES???? 😭

YOU DON'T BELONG ANYWHERE? BITCH, YOU BELONG WITH CAPTAIN HOB ARE YOU KIDDING ME

AGAIN, CORE FOUR!

FUCK I JUST SAID THAT AND HOB'S SURFACE THOUGHTS ARE JUSTIFYING WHAT I JUST SAID! LIKE FUCK, YOU GUYS ARE EACH OTHER'S HOMES 🥺💗 YOU BELONG IN EACH OTHER'S ARMS

THE K STANDS FOR KNICKOLAS 😭🤭 WHAT DOES THE P STANDS FOR THEN???

"I LOVE HIM" HEEELPPPP

AGAIN, THEY'RE ALL SO BEAUTIFUL IN THE PREVIEW

AND OH, BRENNAN IS TRULY MAKING AN EFFORT WE LOVE TO SEE IT

HAND??? BOSOM???

THROBBING???

GOD, CANT WAIT FOR THE ADVENTURING PARTY TOMORROW AAAA SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED LIKE WTF

[hualian-blessing]

why mcyttwt does not think some (if not most) of the time when it comes to mcc

if i post this in twitter, i’d surely get hated upon but someones gotta have to say this one day. also this does not target to mcytblr!!! this rant is more of towards mcyttwt!!!

remember how mcyt was so chill before all of this shit? how we would watch our favorite minecraters when the community was so small? or how mcc was an event that both ccs and fans can have some fun and entertainment once per month? and that was only last year too. now look at the new generation of mcyt fans and see why some of the old fans dont really associate the new ones.

as a fan of the old gen mcytbers like DanTDM, SkyDoesMinecraft, Aphmau and CaptainSparklez. heck im a fan of pewds’ minecraft series before dream or tommy or ranboo or the new gen of mcyt ccs blew up (a year before them if im correct), and we dont see drama or bad shit all the time when it comes to their content.

now compare that to the new gen where every single fucking day, a bored fan or anti would post shit drama in twitter where some of the people from twitter moved to tumblr just to not get a headache from the batshit craziness mcyttwt brought forth. and it just snapped more when the mccp21 rolled in.

heres some of my takes about the mccp21 issue:

1) “there’s a lack of representation of lgbtq+ in the teams!!!”

heres something to tell yall about that. scott doesnt have a fucking choice. scott smajor has told time and time again, WEEKS before the announcement of teams, that there are certain requirements and limitations to mccp21 thus there will be difficulty in choosing whos entering or whos not. limitations and requirements such as it will be streamed on youtube or how streamers with twitch contracts aren’t allowed to stream or (god bless scott’s good heart) scott not allowing some of the lgbtq+ streamers in joining the special event due to wanting them to have a chance to stream and experience their first mcc (so to those who said that ranboo should have been in mccp21, shut up ‘cuz scott wanted genderman to have fun streaming his first mcc but cant due to ranboo being a well-known twitch streamer). to those who complained that ant and velvet should be in the mcc, stop being selfish and do some actual research on why scott didn’t include them. a simple question to those two’s fans would answer that they can’t make it due to them camping for a week which within those days is the mccp21. they’re having time to themselves, not wasting it on a minecraft championship. 

take in the consideration that, oh i dont know, not a lot of lgbtq+ ccs applied to the event? its not a free invite championship (in fact, mcc has always been like that), it’s an applied with the sufficient and correct requirements kind of event. the artist who created the icons from the previous mcc for the teams said that scott let in some of the new ccs in last minutes due to lack of applicants not meeting the requirements thus not having custom artworks for the teams if they want to announce the teams in time.

2.) “there’s no lesbians or trans in the teams >:(((”

sadly enough, there’s not much of the players from the lgbtq+ community but to say there’s no trans people in mccp21 is utterly false. by definition, trans mean  denoting or relating to a person whose sense of personal identity and gender does not correspond with their birth sex. other genders such as non-binary, genderfluid, androgyne, bigender, gender expansive all fall under trans. you define yourself with the gender you personally chose and comfy with from you birth gender. so saying there’s no trans in the teams when there are players from the event like eret or sqaishey who are nb and genderfluid respectively are there to also represent not only the sexuality but also the gender identity of others??? like c’mon, please make sense mcyttwt. 

also, while its sad to not see lesbians, please know that lgbtq+ doesn’t strictly be defined by lesbians. ffs, lgbtq+ literally means Lesbians Gays Bisexuals Transgenders and Questioning (or Queer but im not too sure about that one) which means that there are still other representatives for the community in the event.

3) “technoblade is in the event?!!! WHAT THE FUCK, HES A HOMOPHOBE/LESBIPHOBE-”

utter clowns, toxic twitter users are. do you really think that scott smajor, an openly gay man, would let a supposed “homophobe/lesbiphobe” in an event that focuses in supporting the lgbtq+ community? do you hear yourself? do you even do research where the joke he made was when he was the same age as me and it was based on a historical article back in WW2? or how he passionately supports the community especially the lesbians because a lesbian couple complimented him to which kickstart his confidence? the man willingly went to this mcc event despite being flamed a lot in twitter because he (and everyone) knows that his chat, his fans and supporters, are literal millionaires. if you saw a stream from foolish where he auctioned canonical characters for funs, a techno fan donated thousand of dollars to get technoblade, and that’s only one fan, now imagine a hundreds of thousands of them.

like it or not, technoblade has always been open about his support to the community, especially that majority of his fanbase are from the same community that mcyttwt allegedly swore that technoblade hates.

4) “since this mccp21 is pointless because theres no dteam, quackity, punz or (insert cc name), let’s have a watch party of the previous mccs to spite mccp21!!!” “let’s hope (insert cc name) stream on the 26th so mccp21 doesnt have the same amount of viewership like before!!!” “where are (insert cc name)??? gosh, this mcc is so boring without them!!!”

shut up shut up shut up shut up shut the actual fuck up. are you really seriously hearing yourself? are you willing and proudly boycotting a once in a year special event that is seriously needed by the lgbtq+ community? are you that cruel and selfish to sacrifice a project that helped tons of people just for your sick entertainment and desires? are you that evil to stop others from enjoying and donating to the trevor project? are you that inconsiderate of other ccs that aren’t part of dsmp and calling them boring? and for what? because your favorite cishet streamer isn’t there? oh booofuckinghoo! you’re so fucking petty to even post about this kind of tweets in public.

(edit: did yall honestly thought that without your favorite streamers that the mcc is not worth watching because they aren't there? well let me tell you, im a ranboo fan. ive watched him when he first entered the dsmp and watched him spinning in his unicorn chair for 5 minutes. the boo community waited for so many months for genderman to join mcc yet we didn't even do that kind of disgusting action and behavior every time he isn't in mcc. 8 months. that's how long ive watched him. ive waited 8 months for him to be in the event yet i still watch other povs like tommy's, puffy's, wilbur's, and etc., because it's fun and entertaining to watch them despite the beloved not participating in the games.

if you're that spoiled to not even watch mcc because (insert cc whose not part of mccp21 name here) isn't part of the roster then you most likely have a one dimensional humor because there will always be someone more funny and entertaining than them. i like dsmp don't get me wrong, but i found parrot's school smp funnier than dsmp yet you don't see me insulting both series, do you? learn to keep yourself if you're calling ccs as boring or dull or not entertaining enough due to not having the same big platform as the dsmp members.)

you don’t deserve to call yourself a fan if you’re doing this kinds of actions. in fact, people like you should be kicked out from the mcyt community because your kind of people are the reason why we look so bad from the outside. your toxic and self-entitled to these content creators are the reason why famous ccs like sbi, purpled, tubbo and almost ranboo left twitter/implied strict rules to their subtwts. you drove out an entire friend group that tons of fans found comfort in from the platform and you still have the audacity to this kind of shit? honestly, just leave before you give me a headache.

what im sayin’ is that mcyttwt is one of the worst, if not THE worst, subtwts out of the other subtwts in twitter. having no actual research or evidences or spreading false information is common in twitter where you would have to take what they said with a micro size grain of salt. mcyttwt already ruined the fun and spirit of mcc during its comeback in mcc14 due to the glitch and beta testing shit (ey i still stand for the ranboo beta testing but i know that will be worthless since theres hints of him joining soon in mcc15). if you’re still in mcyttwt, i suggest to get out of there while you still can. we’ll never know if there’s a bigger shitstorm than this in the mcyttwt that may happen in the future.

edit! hi bella again, ive been told by a polite and cool user that not all people from mcyttwt are toxic and/or cruel. im going to clear something up here. ive written this during the heat of the announcement of mccp21 teams. so there's a lot of complains and/or entitled people in the app (you can even see it in my previous post too if you want evidences!) that gave off mostly negative vibes towards the event.

ive seen the cool ones who actually took the consideration for scott's side and the criticism of the lack of representation of other communities within the lgbtq+ umbrella (ive even share some parts of it above so im also a bit upset to the lack of numbers in the community). and some of them are correct about recruiting lgbtq+ creators in youtube but! like i said, it's an applied event and not invitational one, so its up to that content creator if they want to join or not. the amount of cishet in the roster are just those who want to support the cause and/or backups/stand-ins in case scott and noxcrew can't find enough ccs in time!

just wanna clear this up because mcyttwt these days are covered by really cringe fans (ive noticed a pattern of them mostly new ones but there are still awesome new fans (like my irl friend who just joined this year) within the community) that covered the good ones where they enjoy, have fun and share some neat ideas and thoughts to the community within the platform!

when i said to get out of the mcyttwt while you still can, i meant to get out of there to avoid drama (that is really small contrast those who really need to address the issue) and take a break from it. it's still your choice if you want to be surround by it or not or if you want to come back to the app. all im saying is to buckle up for the shitstorm cuz this is not the last time that the twitter side of mcyt will cause negativity to the community.

[coraliviaith]

Jane the Virgin- Chapter Eighty-Four

The eighty-fourth episode of Jane the Virgin focuses on the ongoing plot thread of Jane’s presumed-dead husband Michael (now “Jason”) returning, as well as side plots revolving around Rogelio’s television pilot, and a parenting dispute between Jane and Petra. Jason has decided to try and win back his “wife,” despite her previous rejections. He eventually persuades her into a fishing date in exchange for signing their divorce papers. Meanwhile, Jane’s father Rogelio discovers that his co-star, River Fields, is being paid more than him and grows upset, creating tension on the set of The Passions of Steve and Brenda. Jane and Petra argue over how to get their children to stop fighting, when the real root of the problem is revealed to be Petra’s insecurities in Jane not confiding in her.

One of the most interesting points in the episode appears in the conflict between Rogelio and River. When it is first revealed to Rogelio that his co-star is receiving twice the pay that he is, he grows childishly angry and disruptive on set, eventually leading to an intervention from his wife, Xiomara. Xo admits she finds it emboldening that a woman in Hollywood is “winning the fight for gender parity”—receiving such pay for doing the same work as men, and River echoes this sentiment when Rogelio confronts her, remaining firm that she is the “bigger name” and has worked very hard to get to this point in her career. Not everything is about Rogelio. But Rogelio later confides in Xiomara that he has done research that reveals pay parity also affects people of color. This is a rather serious moment for his character, as though he is often portrayed as a stereotypically dramatic and flamboyant Latinx man, here he speaks quite soberly. He makes the point that the telenovela is his passion project and his culture—he has been trying to bring it to American audiences for years, but as a Latino he feels that he and his work are undervalued by the White Hollywood mainstream. This brings to light the interesting point that while River is a woman working in a historically sexist industry (of which the show rightly critiques), she has the privilege of being a white American. Rogelio on the other hand, was initially a Mexican television actor and does not have this race advantage to aid him in his dream of being a crossover star. The commentary on racial issues in America is furthered in the next scene, where Jane is seen silently reacting to a web article about immigration titled “Trump tells ICE, ‘Deport the Illegals.’ Massive Family Reunification Failure—with a look of utter disbelief painted across her face. Suffice to say, with family being one of the most important things to Jane and with her being descended from Venezuelan immigrants, it makes sense that she would not be a fan of how the Trump administration was handling border control.

It is later seen that River was informed of Rogelio’s viewpoint and she apologizes, vowing to help him as they fight for pay parity together. In the end, Rogelio discovers River only told him this to achieve “woke points” and further her own public image, by featuring on covers of Latinx magazines as a declared ally to Latinx people. It is an interesting commentary on white savior behavior and performative activism, as Rogelio does not seem offended by this (in fact he looks rather impressed by her play), but seeing as he has consistently been portrayed as a man that takes career very seriously, it makes sense that a high profile actress doing a bit of self-serving would not surprise him.

Throughout the show, the strong bonds between the three Villanueva women (Jane, her mother, and grandmother) are portrayed as the heart of the story. Whether from Xiomara, who takes pride in her sexuality, or Abuela who remains firm, yet not unrelenting in her deep-rooted Catholic beliefs of saving oneself for marriage, they represent how there is not just one right way to be a woman and the only one in charge of how you want to present yourself and live your life—is you. In this episode in particular, there is another strong relationship between women on display, in the form of Jane and Petra. Petra has been a major supporting character since the first episode, and though her behavior as ally or antagonist has fluctuated over the course of the seasons, she has solidly found her way into Jane’s inner circle. Though apparently not as solidly as she had hoped, as in this episode she grows upset, believing Jane does not like or trust her enough to discuss sensitive issues. Jane assures her that this is not the case and likens them to sisters—something she never had growing up— and Petra awkwardly agrees. Fans in the past have been quick to see potential romantic undertones to Petra’s relationship with Jane, and connected her backstory of isolation, a controlling parent, and desperate need to be accepted and loved to themes found in traditionally queer narratives. Thus the previous season’s reveal that Petra is bisexual was not all that hard to believe. The show gave her a female love interest in the form of Jane Ramos (better known as “JR”-- her first name partially an homage to the connection fans found between Petra and protagonist Jane), but they have since broken up. In her heart-to-heart with Main Jane, Petra confesses that she still loves JR and wishes to talk to her again. Though there is something to be said about the show’s treatment of sapphic characters in the past (as with the villainization of Luisa and Rose…), in this instance the relationship is portrayed in a positive and casual light, as Jane happily suggests that Petra “accidentally” butt-dial her old flame to strike up a conversation. There is no judgment from any of Petra’s friends and family surrounding her choice of lover and they seem to support and encourage her.

Another moment that seems worth mentioning is the brief incident where Petra’s daughter, Anna, is fighting with her brother, Mateo. He hits his sister and she very vehemently declares, “Do not touch my body!” Petra immediately praises her for this, making it clear that she taught the child to “defend herself” (which is important in terms of Petra’s character, as she suffered multiple abusive relationships in the past). It is nice to see a portrayal of boundaries and consent in everyday life being taught at a young age. In this day and age it is imperative that more people understand that it is okay to say no and to reject physical touch if they are uncomfortable, and equally important to respect others who say no. Perhaps it is a lesson that Jason could use as well. This is in the same episode where he continues to pursue Jane, who is already in a loving relationship and has turned him down multiple times. Jane eventually agrees, partly to get the divorce papers, but also because she feels obligated to help the man she once loved. Petra advises her that she does not owe him anything—Jason is a perfect stranger to her now—and all Jane should do is what she feels is right, in order to protect herself and her family. So many times women are expected to push their feelings aside for the sake of being caretakers or support systems to a man, so seeing Jane put her foot down and send Jason away at the end of the episode feels a special kind of empowering.

- Admin Faith

Works Cited:

“Chapter Eighty-Four.” Jane the Virgin, written by Valentina L. Garza and Deidre Shaw, directed by Brad Silberling, CBS and Warner Brothers, 2019.

Swartz, Anna. “The showrunner of ‘Jane the Virgin’ on women’s sexuality, words you can’t say and Petra’s coming out.” Mic, www.mic.com/articles/188051/the-showrunner-of-jane-the-virgin-on-womens-sexuality-words-you-cant-say-and-petras-coming-out. Accessed 18 November 2020.

[doctorjohcoy]

totally rejecting the inc**t theory for the twins in fall of house of usher but in doing so its made me lean into the goddamn 'twin flames who share one soul with the house' theory, which id like to amend by saying i like the following ideas

borderline incomprehensible talk about this story I have never read below the cut brah

the house represents their joint soul, as well as their sickly lives

their soul is one but their lives and conditions are not

 the house of usher was stressed with only a few usher family members in it, but seriously began to crack under the weight of the last two, even more as theyre both dying of illness. 

 or perhaps it perceives them as one family member and the confusion of madeleine dying and roderick making shit worse definitely broke it

I read the wiki in search of answers and as I am unable to form my own conclusions I must build off of other peoples analyses

 the wiki mentions self fulfilling prophecy in regards to Roderick, (which I still struggle to understand because its not cause and effect) which just fucks it all up

cause that means its neither Maddie nor Roderick or the house doing, uh, all that, but all three of them at once, which I struggle to comprehend

why the fuck did Freddie get there in time for everything to go to hell

 this is all contingent on the idea that they have a single soul. I have no fucking clue what to think if they dont.

fucking I dont know, self fulfilling prophecy bullshit, Roderick is unfortunately extremely powerful and the power he doesn't realize he has gos seriously haywire as his mental health declines

so if he thinks the house is out to get him and the world is threatening to swallow him whole and his sister is still alive and talking to him and wants to drag his soul to hades for burying her alive (even though Freddie cant hear any such thing), then it is happening

theres a possibility that he suspects that either this is contingent on his mental state or more likely that hes just going mad like we magicless bastards do in real life, and either way he needs help but doesn't trust anyone to snap him out of it

no idea what Freddie would do if his friend was just plain hallucinating and depressed and manic and all that instead of all this curse bullshit

theres also the idea that madeleine orchestrated his descent into madness and forced him to build his life around her and eventually pulled them both into hades, but I fucking hate that idea 

whether she really dragged him and the house down or not, and no matter how many people depict her as cold or evil or uncaring, I just dont think shes evil

cold and happy to be alone in that house and doesn't care if theyre sick maybe, but shes got her own mental and physical health to be dealing with, and weirdly enough she doesn't seem as stressed or panicked about it as her brother

at first I thought Rodericks biggest fear was losing his mind and succumbing to illness, but uh apparently its losing his favorite person and only relative and lifelong obsession and being left alone in the world as the last of the ushers

which brings me to another thought, people stating how weird it is that they seem so close

I haven't read the book but like have you met twins

fuck poe for being an in**stuous weirdo, but I dont think its twinc*st

now twin codependency? I can get behind that. its not a good thing, but it makes more sense to me

‘oh now the quoiro/qoisexual is gonna preach to us about romance and sexuality’ I sure am buddy, I dont think its like that

I got nothing to else to say other than I watched the animated short again because im a queer quoiromantic and i thrive off of the ache to rescue your friends from themselves and the world

good ending, Freddie drags these two away from that house and it works and they all live far away safely and happily wherever Freddie lives the end 

I might draw them later cause goD I love those designs

also like I said before im really into the bird idea now

ive never read this book.

[supergeorgealovecraft-blog]

The Dream

Last night I had the dream again. It always starts and ends the same way.  With a cool damp feeling at the base of the neck.  As if it would start refracting of my bones and flood down towards my toes; as my whole body would vibrate quicker and quicker until it felt like I would combust.  It always ends with me staring lifelessly at the off-brand alarm clock perched near the side of the cheap wooden end table; which I had bought last summer at the annual town sale.  Tick; tock it would sound as if to rebound into the depths of my being and ridicule me for being awake at this hour.  I’d often dream about how that conversation would go.  

Oh dear, oh dear what do we have here? the clock rings in a shrill like voice.  it seems to me that you sir have lost the time, you know you only have a limited amount of that left? 

I stare with a look in my eyes as if to say “I'll sleep when I’m dead”.

The clock stares back with its hands crossed and says, well, in the end, we all get what we deserve, remember that.

I open my eyes trying to remember what I was staring, my vision seemed faded at the edges as if I had just woken from a long slumber, then after a few brief seconds, I couldn't even remember what I was thinking about before.  I looked back at the clock (why did I use the use the word “back” I thought) it was only a quarter past two.  JESUS I proclaimed softly under my breath, as I gently cupped my face in my hands and slowly dragged them towards my throat as if to scream out in pain.  Its only been five minutes...I lay back and stare up at the ceiling while trying to count the individual marks left by the painter all those years ago.  Each stroke covering that moldy wood hiding under the grimy eggshell white paint. I can see him now, perched high up on some rickety scaffolding.  Leaning too far over the rails making it look like he was going to topple to his death on the pain-soaked wooden floors and leave a mark that the maid would grumble and mutter as she tried to clean up the mess like she always does. 

I lean on my side so I can get a better glimpse of the clock, just in time to see only another five minutes had passed.

I roll on my back and close my eyes, quietly muttering to myself if only, if only I could just get some rest I'm ever so tired and stiff. I don't know why I mutter when I'm alone it's not as if someone will hear me I pondered

A few seconds later I could feel it pouring from the back of my head. Like a brisk cold breeze in January near Geneva.  How I used to long for a night like that when I was younger; I thought before letting it take over my body while watching the darkness grow around the room like a fog during an Indian spring.  

It started the same way, like always.  I feel as if I'm walking down a long tunnel I can hear the hard soles of my boots slapping off the rough cobblestone floor, in the far off distance I can see a light, small and fleeting but somehow lighting the dark expanse that engulfs me with every step,  after what seemed an eternity in the desolate tunnel from which I hiked I came to the staircase, with the torch burning at the top, I snuggle close in order to feel the warmth from its flame attempting to cutt through the wicked wisps of wind, trying in vain to warm my body, I grasped the wooden hint of the torch and finally turned to the walls of my prison, at first glace I thought were moving as if they were made of tiny insects, after a few more minutes of peering I could tell that they were roots from a tree (most likely an white oak) why did i think that I asked myself?  I ran my hand along one of the bigger roots and felt a hum through it as if it were trying to tell me it was alive and growing, I pulled back sharply with a queer look on  my face; I thought it might be best to continue ahead and leave this quizzical matter alone, after all some questions are best left unanswered.  

As I strolled down the stairway step by step, feeling off-balanced by the uneven cobblestones, I could see a brighter light than the torch I held in my hand, I stopped for a second to listen, after a few mere seconds I could hear a sound gently wafting through the air as if a person somewhere was ringing a church bell.  But not like any church bell I’ve ever heard before, it sounded morbid and full of hate as if it had once been hung above a funeral home to alarm the dead that they had incoming visitors. As I reached my way down the stairs the light got brighter and brighter then as I passed the last turn I was blinded by the light of what I imagine earth would look like if it was burning.  A merciless mixture of reds and deep blues and white.  like a moth to a flame I drew closer and with each step, I felt as if my skin would burst and morph into a reflection of the pyre that laid lite with daemonic possession before me.  I reached out to grasp the flame and feel the warmth; I could feel the cold dead wind pressing up against me making me want to embrace the fire, to let it consumes me, to burn the darkest reaches of my memories, to cleanse myself of what the world has shown me, the evils of man, beauty in death, and the guilt of the innocent for they only watch as this world burns and withers and are the worst of this plane...I finally turn around after being lost in the inticing embers of the fire.  I can feel the flames licking my back as I stare up at the ceiling.  I close my eyes and think, now ill finally get some sleep I fall back, only to feel the flames rush over me, embracing me while cleansing every fiber of my brief and meaningless existence, A smile breaks across my face as I feel my skin start to blister and pop, at least I’ll finally get some sleep.  The last thing I heard was laughter and that dreadful bell ringing.  

I open my eyes....I cant move my hands my body shrieks.....the bell where is it coming from, I wonder as it rings in the distance.    I feel my long knotted hair hang in cold wet clumps while raindrops fall effortlessly off the ends of dark tea stained strands, I stare painfully down to the ground to see what looks like firewood stacked precariously on top of one another and below that, I could barely see anything; brownish black mud and water dominated the landscape while hurricane gust of rain flying through the air blocked most of my surroundings.  I could still manage to hear the faint whisperings of that bell... I look up and see three men shrouded in blood red robes approaching slowly from the east, the one in the middle holding a brilliantly lit torch casting shadows to dance across their faces.  The one on the left points to me with long scale like fingers as if his skin has become so old its starting to fossilize... The bell it's getting louder... the one on the right screams out in a guttural language I cant comprehend and the one with the torch approaches me as if he was waltzing down a stage and with each step, I see why they wear their hoods cast over their faces.  His eyes would cast a glow of a deep enthralling purple that makes it looks as if hell and Lucifer could ascend from their depths beneath his eye teeth glinted up like a shark waiting to pick off its next victim with a smile and a jump to his step he drew closer and closer, when he was upon me I could see his nose and skin was like that of a crocodile; glinting menacingly in the torchlight.  While smiling with his shark teeth he bowed close to my ear and whispered we all get what we deserve in the end don't you see.  and lets the torch fall into the wood that was so precariously placed before.  I saw it fall in slow motion watching it bounce of log after log until igniting into brilliant color, the flames leaped up and consumed my breath; the first moments were the worst.  Searing pain obscured my vision while trying to lash out, my body fails through the air beating my head and back against the pole of which im intwined to, before reaching out with my entire being and screaming towards the heavens Ovos Nordo Seclurm Hic and with my last breath I cursed the beasts who stood before me, as l cursed they laughed as if they were saying we know what you are,  you deserve to be with us. The bell stopped ringing. 

I open my eyes...I feel around and finally grasp my phone.  Its 4 am again I look for my clock, but it must have been knocked off the table again.  I sit on the edge of my bed holding my head in my hands breathing heavily. How long can i keep doing this I ask myself,  at least I made it through one more night I cried gently to myself.  But will I make it through the day? and if I get through the day I have to go through the night again?  Thinking like this always hurt my head I thought while reaching for my pills.  On second thought I don't need them today... they’re probably just psychosomatic...i walked begrudgingly to the washroom.  As the sink filled slowly up I stared into the mirror, I don't remember eve quite so many gray hairs or having my eyes looking sunken they look as if they were craters and my iris's were the impact crater in the middle... I looked up to the fogging mirror in time to see a flash of red and watch as blood trickled down my cheek from the corner of my eye.  I reached for my razor blade... while watching in red, my last clear thought; maybe its time for a shave? 

I closed my eyes. 

[glitteryhottubavenue]

I’m starting this a little later

I hope I can get through the next month. I think I can I think I can. I need to go out and record some more sounds of the city on my zoom. I should do that tomorrow. 

This play is really challenging for a number of reasons. 

1 being that I do not know the system very well and so will have to learn that

2 I am challenged to play 2 instruments and do the design, which I love rising to the challenge of so lets see if this can happen. 

3 Its a famous play of something that is close to my heart.

I bought a soprano trombone today. It is so cute and I cant wait to begin learning how to play the darn thing.

Still learning how to type with my right hand which is amazing to me that it isn’t as dexterous as the other hand and I wonder how long it will take before the two can type at the same pace. 

I will practice and play desire by u2 on this soprano trombone.

It was a weird day for a number of reasons One being that I got a phone call that really put me in my place regarding some work stuff but it’s also family stuff, like chosen family stuff that I am having a hard time growing with apparently. There is this weird circle that I seem to have created with two of the people involved in this event and I am so perplexed as to why I have these feelings of being threatened and or just unsettled in what I thought was my own environment. I got super attached to somenone and it eats at me from time to time because it is still there. I feel all torn up about it and wonder exactly what is to be done and they in turn like someone else. or so they tell me. Ive always assumed that their feelings for another person was the same feelings I have for them. The fact that it takes my breath away just thinking about this person is really perplexing and I cannot rationalize it when I think of the bigger picture and what I want in my life and how and when and who and what I want to do with all of that. I’m really at a loss and they are so willing and happy to take up with other people and I just want to be special to them. But instead I have reckoned that I am once again second fiddle. Hmm I have heard that before haven’t I. When I used to play sports. That was a weird time in my life because I didn’t quite know how to make it in college and then turned to theatre. I always thought that was what fate had in mind for me but from time to time feel a little upset that I never made it to the olympics. Anyway I have a career I’m building and if I made it to the top at this point then I only have down to go after that. Though Ive always wanted to plateau at the top. That would be fun. Mostly though my major concern is money and while I’m womanifesting money (500,000! its coming I can feel it.) I am on a budget and yet like to shop at whole foods so you can see my first world dilemma.

I walked around weho today and was astounded at the amount of a-fucking rad shops and b-rad looking people. Where have I been living? under a rock apparently. 

I just want this show to be good. I think I am very greatful for the time I get to be there working on it. Much earlier than most sound designers and I get to play in the space so we’ll see how we can make that shit work.

I can make that shit work. ANd play the fucking soprano trombone. I almost forgot the name of it. I went to a dispensary (Finally a recreational marijuana law passed in the state of california in 2017 the year of our lorde) and they had a “pop up shop” for the show Disjointed and were selling strains based off of show on netflix. But I can’t believe that it is still illegal and all for a chance to crack down on people of color. You know, that’s fucked up. And they’re still doing it today and not letting the incarcerated pot dealers out of prison even though it’s becoming legal in most states. PEOPLE ARE IN JAIL BECAUSE OF POT AND IT’S LEGAL NOW. thats fucked up. 

I’d like to write a something about this case of injustice. It would be great if I wrote a musical. Why do I have reservations about writing a musical. Ive never done it before is I guess the main reason and what if it isnt good is my next reason but my reason for doing it is because a-you like music and b-you like musicals. Start writing you fool.

There are several different options I have to go with. 

A Sleater Kinney Musical

A Riot GRRL Musical

A musical about a lesbian couple somehow 

a musical about transmen

a musical about a festival

a musical about a queer love triangle

a musical about 2 lady pirate lovers

a musical about beyonce

a musical about a tom robbins novel (book?)a

a musical about the state of america

a musical about taking your vitamins

a musical about the theatre tech

a musical about what its like to work in an aquarium

a musical about what it’s like to work in a food truck

a musical about eating your vegetables 

a musical about the experiences of tomboys

a musical about an anime show

a musical 

hmm that’s all I have for now

a musical about hippos

I mean I guess I could literally write down anything and see what sticks

a musical about hats

a musical about bats

a musical about rats

a musical about shoes

a musical about columbia

a musical about the rain in the wintertime

then I start wrinkling up my nose and want to stop

why do I keep having a rift with c what is this distance, what is she treating me like and what is their relationship with j why does it irk me. why do I get so sad when I hear about these people. I miss them? Why do I want to be in j’s arms so much they have a life and its very well established and I just fantasize and fantasize and need to get it out, purge myself of this arraignment because it cannot be healthy for either one of us. I mean unless we kept it light but I keep obsessing and not learning my lesson and keep putting my fingers into the fire. It’s s a button I can’t stop pressing and I dont know why. I also get sad when I don’t get attention but know I don’t really warrant it. Like for real yet I feel like I need it or want it or deserve it yet I am not owed a goddamn thing by anyone and would rather concentrate on work than move on I guess. 

I think it’s a connection that will prove to be something in time but not now. I am just so drawn to it. motherfucking flame. Why though, can’t I just like someone my own age and style. I would need to meet such a person in real life and since I don’t have a life but the rehearsal room right now it will be interesting to see what happens next. At least I have pretty people to look at in the rehearsal room. I can knock this one out of the park. I know it!